#fear of water and a technique I did to wake up for school in time and also being therapist friend for a bunch of other timezones

[long-death-dazai]

[The crowds one is a new one to dazai, since Dazai very much enjoys crowds, since they're easy to hide and disappear in. He can't help but wonder if this was something his own Chuuya didn't like either and this version of Dazai was just more perceptive than him. He begrudgingly thanks his other self for having written this notebook once again. He had already noticed the makeup thing though, wiping the blood off his face yesterday. His fairy should never have to look like that. But hiding felt even worse. He continues on]

[Chuuya hums a bit, still mostly focused on trying to breath. He nods though, absently agreeing. He tilted his head a bit, seeming to be silently wondering if dazai had gotten it all or not, before sighing a bit. His grip around Dazais wrist is iron strong, if a bit loose.]

[@long-death-dazai contining the other one here!]

[violettelueur]

— ITADORI YUJI + GOJO SATORU + RYOMEN SUKUNA + NANAMI KENTO || THEIR S/O TURNING INTO BABIES/TODDLERS

↳ featuring : itadori yuji + gojo satoru + ryomen sukuna + nanami kento from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : grammar issues

↳ form : headcanons

↳ published : 03 april

↳ pronouns : non specified in headcanon

↳ request : Hi! May I request a headcanon just like the previous one you did with the s/o turning into a child but with Gojo, Itadori, Sukuna and Nanami? Thank you, I'm always looking forward to your works and love them very much!!!

↳ barista’s notes : i am so sad that i didn’t enjoy jujutsu kaisen friday...it feels really weird to not watch an episode ʕ ㅇ ᴥ ㅇʔ but update on my life, on genshin impact i am on AR 39 since i finished my assession thingy and i am plannning to spend a lot on money on small business and skincare because it’s my two week holiday (if i do not become stingy because i am with money - call me MeiMei) and i can’t shop physically because of COVID....other than that, i hope you enjoy your cup of classic black coffee and come back soon ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ

Itadori would be most surprised out of everyone when he finds out that you have turned into a child. For example, he would wake up and would instantly fall off his bed once he finds a toddler in his presence.

The first person he will go to is Fushiguro because ‘best friends for life I say’ and to be honest, you will probably cry/become nervous the second you see him because he has an annoyed look on his face leading you to hide under the blanket.

Itadori will panic and pull you into his arms with the blanket over because you are just scared of his friend and Fushiguro will be confused since you were friends with him after all.

You will have the brightest smile when you are with Itadori and you love it when he would raise you up in the air because it seems like you are flying.

When Itadori runs, you will giggle so much because it’s like being in a race car because of how fast he goes and the first years will wonder why you are not scared one bit.

I feel like you are comfortable with other people carrying you like even Gojo can, but when you want to go to Itadori...they better pass you on to him.

You and Itadori will always high-five each other just to make you happy because you would always raise your hand to him.

What Itadori finds really adorable is when you pick up a basketball because it looks really big compared to your toddler size and it is extra adorable when you try to throw it into the hoop with a little jump to copy him...like it just doesn’t reach.

This is when he would carry you up in the air and allow you to place the ball into the hoop because he really loves it when you cheer brightly.

When you run around, expect either Itadori to run slower because it seems like you are having so much fun or him to scoop you up into his arms because he is just really fast.

If Sukuna appears on his cheek, you would either slap it because you think it’s weird or just stare because it’s something you don’t see every day.

Itadori will have to force himself to watch cartoons with you because that is the only thing you would watch rather than you regular anime/movie nights that you would have with him.

After the whole cursed technique has been reversed, you would have no recollection of what just happened for the past 24 hours leading Itadori to explain - but I feel like he is the type to rather giggle in the middle of his explanation leading you to ask Fushiguro and Kugsaki in the end.

When you have turned into a toddler, Gojo will have no clue on what to do or say - even though he technically raised Fushiguro, doesn’t mean he has parental skills...he knows how to financially support someone.

In the beginning, he would be looking at you with such endearment because of how adorable you look and will absolutely take thousands of photos of you.

However, it seemed like you somehow retained your personality because the second he takes the 1000th photo, you would smack the phone out of his hands, surprising him completely.

You seem to be quite a calm child since you don’t really refuse to let him carry you, you just let him while he parades you around the school to show you off.

You will call him ‘Mr’ - don’t know why...maybe to tease him.

Gojo is the type to spin you around and twirl you like a princess because you are and forever will be to him - he sort of begins to notice your quite a quiet child.

The first years would be really shocked at your new appearance, especially Fushiguro since you did raise him...now it’s kind of his turn…

Nanami will try to take you away from Gojo because he’s worried that his colleague will do something really stupid to the point where you are injured in the process - but your man is adamant that he won’t hurt you.

Gojo will treat you to many sweets and that will cause a little shine of excitement to shine in your eyes because it’s a kid’s dream, right?

He really likes to feed you because it seems fun to him - I can imagine him saying ‘here comes the train’ and you would just grab the fork and guide it to your mouth.

When Gojo finally lifts up his blindfold, you would be surprised by them because they are so shiny - like you would stare at them for quite a bit that causes Gojo to freeze because you were dead frozen.

But when you show the brightest smile and place your hand on his cheeks, he relaxes before letting you do what you want to do. 

Say “Pwetty eyes” and Gojo will blush on the spot because you would always compliment his eyes when you were in your original form.

When the time has passed the 24-hour mark and you are back to normal, Gojo will instantly tell you what happened before you even ask - like “you were so adorable as a baby~ where are your baby photos?” while scrolling the pictures through his phone to show you.

He will 100% have baby fever after...

When Sukuna discovers you in your miniature form as a child, he will laugh at you for a good hour or more because he thinks how funny it is that you let a curse affect you like this.

However, what Sukuna finds really weird is that you’re not really afraid of him but rather interested because you would move closer to him to get a good look.

You will 100% tug on his kimono to get his attention and at first, it does annoy him completely because you are messing up with clothing but after a while, he finds it really assuming that you want his attention.

If you are in his domain, he will let you roam around in the water but he will find it really irritating that you are making loud noises since he is used to the quiet.

If you trip or fall down on your face, expect the King of Curses to laugh at you because he laughs at everyone’s misery - but he will be shocked that you haven’t cried at all.

He is the type of person that would say kids have no fear whatsoever - that is because of you.

Unlike the others, Sukuna will carry you by the collar of your shirt or just the back of your shirt and leave you hanging for some time - but it’s fun for you since you're just chilling and swinging.

Just because you are his significant other, doesn’t mean the word ‘brat’ won’t leave his mouth when he addresses you - the second you become a child, is the moment where you are a brat to him, but a brat that he loves.

After a while, when you start walking around in his domain after relaxing for some time, Sukuna would follow you slowly from behind because it just wants to see you waddle…

When you sit with him on his little skull seat, you will either play with his hands because his nails are just really long and you find that interesting or you would trace his marks because who the hell has marks on their face?

Sukuna would once again comment how children have no fears but wouldn’t stop you from touching the markings that he has on his face because he finds your expression of awe quite funny.

When you go back to your original form and remember nothing, Sukuna wouldn’t really tell you what happened but will just give you a smirk before saying “so what are you going to repay me with since you annoyed me so much as a little brat?” - huh?

When Nanami finds you in your little toddler state after being hit with a curse technique, he will literally have a whole staring contest with you for a few minutes.

You would probably stare at him for quite some time as well before either your eyes begin to tear up because he looks really scary or your arms would raise up, conveying to him that you want to be picked up.

You would call him ‘Nanamin’ just like how Itadori does and when Itadori finds out, he can’t help but find it really cute that you have picked up his habit.

For a child, you are quite interactive since when Nanami comes back to inform the school, you would wave to greet everyone that walks past and Gojo will find it really amusing - Nanami wouldn’t show it, but he thinks it’s endearing of you.

Gojo will definitely laugh at you for sometime before reaching out to hold you, only for you to wrap your arms around Nanami’s neck really tightly.

You would definitely fiddle with his glasses and try to put them on your face because it seems fun and you always wanted to try them on - now you have an excuse.

Nanami will make sure that you are well taken care of. He will make sure that you have eaten, hydrated with water, be in safe hands if he needs to go somewhere and he will help you clean up if you need help.

Let's just say he is the most responsible out of the four people in this headcanon right now because he is Nanami Kento.

If you somehow manage to get close to his weapon, he will quickly take it away from your reach because he is worried that you might hurt yourself.

Nanami has made one rule to himself and that is to never leave you in the care of Gojo Satoru because he has no idea what he would do with you - I don’t think he would take you to Ino as well because...it’s Ino (In conclusion, he will leave you to Shoko).

When Ino first sees you, he thinks Nanami is joking with him until he notices how much the child looks like you, only to shout your name in complete surprise causing you to giggle because it’s a funny sight.

If you snuggle your head in the crook of his neck, Nanami can’t help but smile slightly because it reminds him now you would do that as an adult when he came home from work and he can’t help but find it adorable that you kept that habit.

When you go back to your adult form after the 24 hours are up, Nanami will tell you what happened if you want to know and will probably warn you about the blackmail material Gojo has gained in the process.

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

[romiantic]

𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐨𝐲𝐚

reading: black!fem!reader

genre: fluff

warning: language and mild violence

request: OKAY BUT HEAR ME OUT- NAOYA GETS A BLACK S/O AND SHE FED UP WITH HIS SHIT AND JUST BEAT HIS ASS- I just wanna see this nigga get put in his place I want to bash his skull and send him to the black market cutely ☺️

a/n: YEAHHH RAM HIS ASS UP!!!! please I wanna beat this nigga ass so badly. I feel bad that maki and mai are related to this weirdo

Having this nigga child? One of the worst decisions you ever made

Like...out of everybody in the Zenin clan, him??

Personally, I believe this man would be a shitty baby father but a somewhat okay father (remember I said okay)

The only issue is that he would give his sons better treatment than his daughters and we all know it

Not nsfw but this man would constantly knock you up UNTIL you come out with a boy

You end with twin boys? Even better for him

BUT now you’re in a house filled with kids and you had to become a stay-at-home mom cause his ass don’t feel the need to take care of his kids except to train his sons to become one of the greatest jujutsu sorcerers

“Ma? MA!” Your first eldest daughter called out in front of you. You were currently passed out from yet again another night of your newborns crying in your ears. You mumbled and cursed out the white-haired man next to you, who was lightly hitting you and telling you to go shut them up.

You tried to open your eyes and pay attention to who was yelling but yet again, you fell back asleep. Your daughter sighed and shook you, “Momma! Momma, wake up I’m late for school!” You quickly opened your eyes as you heard those words fly out her mouth.

You shot up and looked at your daughter with such a surprised and worried look, “You’re lying, what time is it?!”

She took out her phone and showed you the time, 9:05 AM. You got up from the bed and paced around the room, cursing yourself and wondering where you went wrong. How did you oversleep that much? Usually you’re on time for school but this recurrence isn’t doing so well. You continued questioning until a question popped into your head. You turned to your daughter and raised a brow, “Hol’ on, does your dad know your late?”

She shook her head, ‘yes’, to answer your question.

“And why didn’t he fucking take you his damn self?” You snarled and started gritting your teeth, flying out small curses against the man. Your daughter half-raised her arms and answered, “He said he had to do early morning training with the boys.”

“Training? Training...training instead of education? This little bitch nigga put training over school?! Oh, imma beat his ass for real.” You thought to yourself.

“So instead of worrying about school, that his sons might up dumb as hell, or his daughter might get punished for all these tardies, he puts it off for fucking training?!” Your voice grew louder and louder as you balled up your fist so tight you felt veins popping and migraine starting to come.

But you took a breather and released your pent-up anger. Instead, you asked, “Where’s your father?”

Your daughter quickly answered, from the fear of your anger, “Outside right now, don’t know what he’s doing though.” She stepped back and shifted to the side as you stormed out of your shared bedroom. You continued on to curse the white-haired man as you walked all around the massive house and found him with your sons currently sitting down on the grass. He was showing them another cursed technique that he’ll think they can learn well.

To your advantage, it was good that he was sitting down, with his back turned and not facing you. Thankfully enough, your sons didn’t notice you either.

You quickly ran to him and kicked him in the head. Everyone was shocked by your sudden action and jumped back. You continued on to constantly kick him till he was ultimately down. It doesn’t matter if Naoya is a strong jujutsu sorcerer but he’s definitely not Satoru Gojo so you should be fine.

Once he was laid on the ground trying to protect himself from your kicks, you grabbed his frosted hair and used all your strength to drag the man to more open space. You let go of his hair with one hand and started punching his face with the other; including your foot kicking his back. Putting all your rage and anger into your punches, creating a blue flame surrounding it and your cursed technique activated. Through the heat of your first creating damage, you forgot that you can activate your curse technique through rage. An odd yet somewhat rare thing that happens since you’re not really into cursed techniques.

Your punches and kicks got harsh as your eyes start changing colors as well, from your usual normal color to deep, royal blue, matching up the emitted flames. You continued to cause damage to Naoya, not knowing he was spewing blood until your children pulled you back.

Your eldest son held you against the wall and tried to shake you off your rage. “Momma! Mom, calm down!”

“No cause this bitch ass nigga think imma sit here and take his jujutsu bullshit! Nigga fuck you, fuck yo family, fuck the Zenins, and fuck jujutsu! And I put that on my damn momma myself! ‘Cause of his stank, misogynistic ass, I gotta explain why my daughter has been tardy for the past two weeks. You know what? NO! He gonna explain his damn self.”

You snatched your body away from your son and stormed away, cursing Naoya as you went away to tend to your newborns.

“Is she done? What the fuck is your mom’s problem?” You heard Naoya asked your children.

You did nothing but throw the nearest slide at the back of his head, “You’re the fucking problem nigga!” Walking away to tend to the newborns, which he barely takes care of himself.

hope you liked these bestie 🥳 @noir-ethereal

was this lowkey anti naoya? eh kinda

bye babes, drink your water, stay hydrated, and remember that you are the baddest bitch on the planet 🥰 no matter what ANYONE says

𝐄𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝟔:𝟏𝟏 💗

© 𝟤𝟢𝟤𝟣 𝗄𝗈𝗂𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗀𝗎𝗋𝗈. 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗏𝖾𝖽

[sunnysviolin]

Not Again

Alrighty @iknowicanbutwhy this is for you and this is for the fanart that literally will not l e a v e me alone  I have to satisfy my urge to share this AU with you guys. It’s going under a read more, but this is definitely another long one. Have I started like four different AU’s this week. Yes. I’m starting another. Don’t blame me. Blame this image.  This part is probably going to be pretty short tbh...I say that before I have started writing (HAHAHAH I LIED)

TW: Suicide attempt TW: Depression TW: Suicidal Ideation

When you feel that feeling in you to push forward, Don’t Stop. The drop in your gut that you get when need to save someone isn’t a learned skill, it’s plain humanity. Never ignore that feeling Hero. When you do, people die.

One of Hero’s favorite professors at college is an army veteran. She was a combat medic who did two tours before being injured in the line of duty. She’s a hard woman with gray steel eyes, a cane that she slams against the table in the lecture hall, and no room for screwing around. 

She teaches his general requirements History course. He had been told by about a dozen people he would not pass her class. No one does. Hero had been determined to prove them wrong. It was his first semester at a school he was going to on nearly a full ride for academics

She offers her office hours to all of the students on the first day. Every other student who heard the same horror stories avoids them like the plague. Hero goes in day one. 

He comes in with an excuse of not understanding the material for next week’s lecture. She sees through that very quickly, and he admits he wanted to know about her time as an army medic. It is one of the paths he’s been considering. 

Being away from home has opened his eyes to how much he cannot stand being home. How all he is doing in faraway is surviving. Hero wants to live again. Even if that means getting put in the position to kill himself. 

She looks at him, watches him squirm in front of her desk, and she pulls out two mugs from a desk drawer. She stands and turns, pouring Hero and herself two steaming mugs of boiling water from the electric kettle behind her. She puts one mug in front of him, and a tin box filled with different teas. The spicy exotic scent tickles his nose. He chooses a tea bag, and his professor tells him to sit. 

She tells him point blank not to join the army. Not to get sucked into their scheme. 

He’s the type of boy they would snap up in a second. A boy like the girl she was when she first joined up. Whatever he’s running from won’t disappear just because he sells his soul. It will just make it harder to deal with. Something in that statement is both insulting and sobering. 

His professor is aware she’s massively overstepping, but she lives by a code. A code she will one day teach Hero.

They stay in her office and talk for far too long, and not at all about history. He comes back the next week and the next week. 

She falls into an easy step with this boy. His earnest goodness brings her hope. Her kind but firm mentorship helps Hero to open up. 

He tells her about Mari in March. His professor is no longer his professor in classes, but she will always be his professor. She sits with him on the too stiff couch she recently put in her office, and listens and waits as he finally reveals what he’s been holding onto. 

It has been four years. Four years of birthdays without her. Four years of learning to live. Hero still feels like he’s on lesson one. 

It’s this dreary too cold afternoon that his professor shares her own regret. A friend who had been abroad with her. Her friend had thrown herself off of a bridge two years after they got home. She left no note. 

Mari hadn’t left any signals. His professor’s friend hadn’t either. Not really. All that his professor had was a deep unsettled feeling in her gut, a pull. She knew something was wrong, but she had ignored it. In that final day, she had ignored her intuition. It had been the same feeling she felt when she saw Hero’s desperation the first day in her office hours all those months ago. On that day in March, she gives Hero a piece of advice that will change the course of his life. 

When you feel that feeling in you to push forward, don’t stop. The drop in your gut that you get when need to save someone isn’t a learned skill, it’s plain humanity. Never ignore that feeling Hero. When you do, people die.

He commits every word to memory. He says it to himself while walking home. He writes it down as soon as he gets back to his dorm. 

Three months later, he’s home from college, and he sees Sunny for the first time in four years.

Sunny is pale. Sunny is weak. Sunny is drowning in the lake, and the pull is in his stomach for the first time in his life. 

Hero doesn’t ignore it. He saves both Sunny and Basil, using the CPR techniques that his professor forced into his head. Sunny looks up at him with a confused expression, still silent and scared. 

They go on another whirlwind adventure. The three of them, and then the four of them. They’re off to save Basil, and Hero feels like he’s sixteen years old again. He keeps glancing to his right, expecting to see a bright girl with long dark hair and a laugh like bells. He keeps forgetting Mari is dead

But the feeling doesn’t go away. The dread and fear that something is wrong. 

That feeling is why he steps out of Basil’s hospital room just as Basil wakes up, walking down the hallway just in time to catch a glimpse of a hospital gown turning the corner ahead. 

That feeling is why he follows after that hospital gown, ignoring the sound of Kel and Aubrey calling after him. 

That feeling is why he climbs the stairs to the roof. It’s the same feeling again, the same gut drop feeling he got seeing Basil and Sunny in the lake. The same awful feeling that has existed in his stomach for the last two days. The same horrifying feeling he searched for when Mari killed herself

But it isn’t the feeling, but his professor’s words that get him to act when he sees Sunny swaying on the edge of the roof. 

To run from the doorway

To catch Sunny in his arms

To fall with him

He doesn’t think as he goes over the edge. Doesn’t stop to wonder how much it’s going to hurt when he dies. All he can think is 

Not Again. Never Again.

[amtwst-tls]

Scary outfit Jade Personal Story Translation Part 2

Jade Scary Outfit Part 2

Would you please teach me?

Where the 2nd years all talk about the Halloween traditions back at their places.

Classroom

Jade: Would you mind teaching me about the many different ways you all celebrate Halloween?

Riddle: ...Halloween, huh.

Riddle: In my hometown, typically young children would gather in the plaza and hold a 'Fun Party.'

Jamil: Why do you sound so detached?

Riddle: That's because I've only ever attended it once. So I can't speak much about it.

Riddle: The one thing that left an impression on me was the 'Apple Bobbing.'

Floyd: Goldfish-chan, what's that...Apple....whatchamacallit? That sure sounds real tasty~

Riddle: It's a traditional game that is played in the Rose Kingdom.

Riddle: You fill a large tub with water, and some apples will be tossed in, floating on the surface, which you have to try and catch with your mouth. Of course, you can't use your hands for this.

Jade: That... certainly sounds like a game to be played on the surface.

Azul: Indeed, the moment one lets go of the apple under the sea, it would immediately try to rise to the surface.

Jade: I suppose chasing after the apple could be a game in itself.

Floyd: That actually sounds real interestin'~

Silver: However... is it even possible to catch an apple with one's mouth?

Riddle: They normally use smaller apples rather than the regular ones... but even then it can be difficult.

Jade: Children with bigger physique would have the better advantage in trying to capture the apple in their mouth.

Riddle: Certainly, one would need good jaw strength to match the size of their mouth as well.

Ruggie: In this school, Jade and Floyd definitely have the advantage here.

Ruggie: They're dang huge. With sharp teeth to boot.

Jade: Fufufu, I wonder about that. I would be too shy to open my mouth so wide with people staring at me...

Jade: And I just may not be able to catch the apple in time while bumbling around...

Floyd: I mean, how do ya even decide on who wins in this kinda game?

Riddle: According to our rules, I think the one who manages to catch an apple the quickest would be considered the winner.

Riddle: There are regions in the Land of Pyroxene that play this game as well.

Riddle: Cater said that in his hometown, the winner was decided by who got the most number of apples.

Riddle: I was never able to grasp the technique, and would end up drenched from head to toe...

Riddle: Thinking back on it now though, I suppose the result was never the important part.

Riddle: Having fun, laughing at each other as we all struggle to catch that apple... I think such joys are important.

Jade: Certainly, to be able to see Riddle-san desperately chasing after an apple with his mouth wide open would be quite amus-

Jade: -I mean, would be worth seeing, yes.

Riddle: Just what were you trying to imply...

Kalim: I get what you were trying to say Riddle! It's not about winning or losing, it's all about whether you had fun or not!

Riddle: Yes... that's right.

Kalim: It's kinda different from the Rose Kingdom, the Halloween over at our Land of Hot Sands is real fun too!

Jade: Oh? Does the Land of Hot Sands have it's own peculiar recreational activity as well?

Kalim: Nope! When you say Halloween in the Land of Hot Sands, we mean 'Feast'!

Kalim: That's because in our homeland, to spend time together as we enjoy a splendid feast is what we consider to be the most fun!

Kalim: That's why, when Halloween comes around, the tables are almost overflowing with all kinds of delicacies!

Jamil: We do this so the ghosts that come back can also eat to their heart's content.

Jamil: Sweet, salty spicy... from small appetizers to large platters, we prepare a wide variety of dishes.

Jamil: When Halloween is close, the kitchens are always on full overdrive from the meal prepping alone.

Jade: Someday I would love to feast my eyes on such a sumptuous dining table myself... Are there any staple dishes for the tradition?

Kalim: The star of the Halloween Feast... it's definitely gotta be that dish.

Kalim: What was it again? That dish we bake with vegetables and sauce...

Jamil: Who knows?

Kalim: Ah, your face tells me you know it. C'mon, it's that one! The one with potatoes, eggplants and tomatoes!!

Jade: Is it something like... a lasagna that had the pasta replaced with vegetables instead?

Kalim: Ahh that's actually pretty close to it. It's super delicious when freshly baked.

Azul: I see, it certainly sounds like a dish that would be popular with people who prefer a healthy diet.

Jade: Jamil-san, would you mind telling us the name of the dish?

Jamil: Ha... It's a local specialty called 'Moussaka.'

Kalim: Yeah that! That's the one!

Kalim: When we were younger, even if there was no banquet or feast going on, I'd still ask Jamil to cook it for me time to time!

Jamil: It was quite the mess back then... my parents, and even the other servants would always scold me, telling me that children shouldn't handle fire by themselves.

Kalim: Eh!? That happened??

Jamil: We were still in elementary school after all.

Jamil: It's not like I was already great at cooking from that age... It would've been a big problem if I accidentally set a fire.

Jamil: I can now understand why my parents and the people around me used to get angry whenever I tried.

Kalim: Oof... I'm really sorry about that.

Kalim: But the moussaka you cooked back then was also super delicious! I can still remember the taste...

Kalim: Talking about it got me hankering for it again. Jamil, you gotta make it for me soon!

Azul: I would like to request it as well. It may be a good addition to the Mostro Lounge menu....

Jamil: No.

Kalim: Aww, don't say that Jamil~

Jamil: Moussaka is a very time-consuming dish that needs a lot of ingredients to make, it even needs two kinds of sauces to be prepared for it

Jamil: I don't believe such a dish is a good fit for a cafe.

Jade: From the sounds of it, it seems to be a dish that requires an oven to bake it.

Jade: The oven back at the Lounge isn't quite big... it would be quite difficult to bake enough of it.

Azul: I'm sure there are a number of ways to increase the turnover rate if you cook it all in one big platter.

Ruggie: Octanivelle's the same as ever.

Jade: Fufu... I suppose we can have a nice, long discussion about this once I have tried Jamil's cooking myself.

Jamil: Wait, I never said that I would make it- ...sigh...

Silver: *snore*

Jamil: See, you've bored Silver to sleep while you were hyped up about making profits.

Jade: Oh my, this won't do. My apologies for derailing the conversation.

Jade: Excuse me for a moment, Silver-san, Would you please wake up?

Silver: ...ha! I apologize. You want to know the traditions of Halloween at the Valley of Thorns, was it.

Jade: Yes, if you would please.

Silver: Halloween... all I can remember is my fath- I mean, Lilia-senpai going all out on dressing up for the occasion.

Riddle: As I recall, both of you are from the same province.

Jade: I see, so even the people from the Valley of Thorns would have costumes... It seems to be a standard custom no matter where you are from on the surface.

Silver: Do merfolk not have costumes?

Jade: We do not have a habit of wearing clothes in the first place.

Jade: But it is precisely because of that fact that I find wearing the many different kind of clothes from the surface quite interesting. Silver: As a matter of fact, it is quite difficult to say that dressing up was a fun memory... I shudder even now when I recall it.

Floyd: Ehh~ Wasn't pancake devilfish-chan even smaller back then?

Silver: Oh, there is not much of a change in terms of appearance, however...

Silver: It was the one and only Halloween that I had seen Lilia-senpai in such a fearsome visage....

Jade: My, that does sound very curious indeed, since he prides himself on being quite cute, and it's hard to disagree.

Silver: Lilia-senpai's threatening demeanor when dressed up like that...

Silver: Sebek who had witnessed the horror with me was also trembling in fear...

Silver: The two of us were so afraid to fall asleep that we promised to stay up all night together.

Jade: Oh my, if I were to be exposed to such horror, I would surely let out a loud scream myself...

Floyd: Ehh~ What the heck, I wanna see that too~ We've been together since the day we were born and I haven't got 'ta see that even once!

Ruggie: So~? Did you both end up greetin' the dawn with tears?

Silver: No, I ended up falling asleep at some point.

Riddle: As I thought...

Silver: Apparently, Sebek had to hold off on going to the toilet the whole night, so the next morning he was angry at me and called me a traitor.

Ruggie: Wow~ Even Sebek had such a cute side to him huh.

Jamil: Well then Ruggie, how is Halloween over at your place?

Ruggie: Me? I don't think our Halloween over at the slums would make much of a reference for ya.

Jade: Now now, I find any and every aspect of culture on the surface to be interesting, so please do enlighten me.

Ruggie: Well, I don't mind tellin' ya, but don't go gettin' all weirded out after hearin' it...

Ruggie: "Trick or Treat" is where ya get pranked if ye don't hand out the candy yeah?

Ruggie: But back at my place, it ain't anythin' as cute as that.

Ruggie: If candy isn't handed over, you'd be marked until ye do... it's a 24 hour candy collectin' endurance event! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wow that was long, really long, I almost died but I did it for y’all ;-; Note: Jamil and Kalim actually call the dish “Munazzara” but I believe that is another term for ‘Moussaka’ in jpn, I changed it so it’s easier to place. Part 1 Part 3

[hobbitsnapes]

the elf in the café chapter 8

A corpse husband story

(I do not own this photo, nor do I know where it originated from. All credit goes to the artist.)

Summary: Never in his life, did he think going to a cafe and meeting a Harry Potter nerd could change his life. (I’m shit at summaries

A/N: H/N means his name, being that we don’t know what his actual name is currently

The day just felt, off. The best way to describe it.

He couldn’t remember the last time they hadn’t spoken for a day, especially since the night they shared just 3 nights prior. Both having been on the phone with one another unless she was at school, even then his heart would jump when his phone would ping from a text, even if it was just a small heart.

He didn’t wake up to notifications from her texting, no calls, nothing. Maybe she slept in? He thought, trying not to let it affect his morning, sadly to no avail.

Around 10 in the morning he sent her a text, just a simple good morning, having only gotten up an hour prior.

Checking his phone 30 minutes later to see the text was delivered, but no response. Maybe she was just sleeping in and didn’t hear his text. That’s what he tried telling himself as he got ready for his stream later in the night. Hoping to hear from her sometime before that.

2 hours past, again, nothing from her. Nerves starting itching at him, before he shot them down. Over the last few months, she helpt to teach him coping techniques to call himself, to think rationally rather than emotionally. She probably was in a rush for classes and forgot her phone, having done that when they first started talking. He still remembers the frantic phone call from her, apologizing profusely for forgetting her phone at home. Yeah, that’s what it is, he’ll laugh at himself later when all his worries are squashed when she gets home at 4. All worries leaving him.

Hours ticked by, his worries creeping back when the clock struck 4, no response. He thought of sending a text or even trying to call, but worries crept up his throat every time he thought about it.

An hour had past and his anxiety was growing increasingly worse, this being the longest he hadn’t heard from her.

He sent a quick text, asking if she was home or forgot her phone. Simple, just checking in to see if everything’s alright. She’ll get back to him soon.

Anxiety scratched at him when another hour went by with nothing. With only an hour until his stream, he was getting worse by the minute.

She still had no idea about his other life, but he would always call her before one of his streams to calm himself for the nerve wracking time. But with the stakes of the stream, and not hearing from her, he was growing mad.

He finally sat at his filming chair, back stiff, hands relentlessly twitching, jaw set and tight chest. He hadn’t felt this nervous since the first time he played with his friends, even then it was worse now because of the increasing worries about her. He figured that he would cut the stream shorter than usual, all of his friends deciding to do it earlier than normal, and call her. He figured he’d try for a few hours, take his mind off of everything and just enjoy time with his fans and friends.

He tried desperately to forget, to Immerse himself in the game but to no avail. Everyone, including the views picked up on his ever so rising anxiety. Many of his friends, namely Rae and Sykkuno, asking him if he’s alright. He hated lying to them, but he hadn’t even told anyone about her. Wanting to keep what they had to themselves, for as long as possible. He knew the complete horrific catastrophe would ensue if he came out with it, making his anxiety even worse than it already was. He hadn’t even asked her out yet, neither worrying about it too heavily. They were practically dating at this point, especially after the other night.

He couldn’t stay focused even if he tried, mind still only thinking of her and what could be wrong. He scratched any and all thought of something as small as her phone being lost or dead, her being out, or sleeping. He knew something was wrong but he didn’t know what to do. No, he did, he knew what he could do, but his fears kept him from doing so.

His mind screamed at him to end the stream, and to do what both his mind and heart are telling him. But he kept fighting, wanting to give her more time to respond. But as the hours ticked by, so did his hold.

He could hardly focus on his tasks, nearly always giving himself away to either be killed or as the impostor. He hardly even spoke in the chat, small short word sentences and hardly any comantarry coming from him the whole night.

He checked his phone again, his heart sinking in his stomach. It was nearing 10 at night, and still, nothing. It was so late, but after checking everything and seeing nothing, he made his mind up. “Hey Uh guys, I think I’m gonna call it a night, haven’t felt great today.” It wasn’t a total lie, but he did keep out what was truly bothering him. A strew of goodbyes and nights was heard, including from his chat before he ended it, getting up from his chair.

He sent her another text, ‘hey is everything alright? I’m really worried somethings wrong.’

He got himself ready, setting his phone down as he got his things ready to head out. He was gonna try calling her right before he leaves, maybe she’ll finally answer and everything was just blown out of proportion and things will be fine.

His heart sank when again, no response. He quickly clicked on the call, the longer the ringing went the worse he felt.

His heart sank but skipped at hearing her voicemail, her sweet voice calming him before he remembered. “Hey, I’m getting really worried if you’re alright. I’m sorry if you’re not feeling well, but I’m coming over to see if you’re alright.” He hung up the phone, taking in a deep breath before heading out his door, his heart hammering in his chest.

The car ride was long, torturous even. He hadn’t been here since the night he brought her home, even then, he didn’t go inside.

His heart hammered in his chest when her home came into view, wanting nothing but to turn back around. But he knew something was wrong when he saw her car in the driveway, no lights on that he could see from the home.

He felt as if he was gonna vomit, sitting outside in his care for some minutes.

His hands gripped at the steering wheel, causing pain from he force. He felt crazy, like a complete stalker. Why did he do this? Why didn’t he just leave it be and stay home? Why didn’t he just go to bed, or try to, and just wait.

After what felt like an hour, but really only being 15 minutes, he checked his phone. Again, nothing. But her car was right beside his, knowing that nobody would take it. He made his mind up, climbing out of the car, his heart hammering.

He got to her door, standing in front of it like it was coated with electricity. Reaching for his phone again, he called her again. Maybe this time, she’ll finally answer.

Again, voicemail. “Hey I’m outside, I’m sorry I’m doing this but, I’m worried sick there’s something wrong.” He mumbled, before hanging up and putting it in his sweatshirt pocket.

He bent down, going under her doormat for the spare key. He remembered her mentioning it once, that she always had a spare just in case. Even though her house key was on her car keys. He always found it funny, now beyond thankful.

He opened the door, the instant sound of pure silence cutting though everything but his beating heart. “Hello? Hun? You there?” He yelled out, but again, nothing.

He reached for his phone again, quickly calling her. His heart sunk to his stomach, vomit nearly escaping when he hears the ringing coming from the floor above. The ringing cutting through the thick silence like a serrated knife. Oh god, what if something happened. What if, he can’t even think of it without tears welling in his eyes, his worst fear coming to what he thinks is reality.

He went up the stairs, passing through the kitchen and living room. He didn’t have time to look at anything, anxiety ripping his body apart from the inside the closer he heard the ringing.

His heart sank again when he reached the top of the steps, a long hallway greeting him. His feet plant to the ground, nearly giving out. The silence nearly deafening. That is, until he hears it. The small noise that makes him rip his feet from the floor and down the hallway. A whimper. A small cry, something. Something that makes his heart pick up, something that makes the fear of her being, gone, wash away like water. It was hope, that she was alive.

A gasp leaves hun when he opens the door, the sight in front of him both washing away his fears, but crippling him in pain at the shock.

There he found her, in a room he never thought he’d find her in.

There she sat huddled up, sobs shaking her as she sat against, a crib. It was a nursery. Toys lay on the ground, a toy car race floor mat covering the floor. A rocking chair painted a soft blue sat in the corner, next to it, boxes of toys lay. The walls were a medium lavender, covered by drawings of either cars, or teddy bears. But there’re she was, clutching a teddy bear to her chest, her body shaking as she looked up to him. Tears pricked his eyes as he fell to the floor, wrapping his arms around her. He had no idea what was going on, only the heart shattering sounds and feel of her sobbing in his chest, giving any indication.

“I-I’m so sorry.” She sobbed, his heart tearing itself in half at the broken, horse sound of her voice. Tears pricked at his eyes, squeezing them tightly as to not let them fall. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for sweetheart. But please, what’s going on?” He asks, pulling her head from his shoulder.

New sobs wracked her body, her head falling, hitting his chest. “There’s, something I’ve been hiding from you H/N” his heart sank again, eyes welling up with tears. “I-I was in college early, and, I met a man. He was always in the front of the class, with dark brown curly hair and thick rimmed glasses. His name, was james. He was a true, loving, honest man. We quickly fell in love, and when I was 19, and halfway through our bachelors, we got married. Everything was, perfect. So perfect. After leaving my family in New England, and not speaking to them and living on my own, I, found someone I loved. And that love doubled when I, found out I was pregnant. We were so happy, especially when we found out it was a boy. A boy, a baby boy. We decided on the name, Damian. God he was perfect, his fathers hair, my eyes, but everything else a perfect blend of hun and I. Both in personality and looks. Things were, perfect.”

Sobs wracked her body as she tried speaking, his hands coming to her shoulders to steady her. “It was our 4 year anniversary, and james had promised to take time from work to spend with Damian and I. What I didn’t know, was he had gotten an order of my favorite flowers. White lotuses. I had them for our wedding, and he had gone out of his way to get some shipped here. He, told me he had to run into town to get something, the flowers being the reason. I was having a migraine, and he told me he’ll bring Damian with him so I could rest. What he didn’t know was, I was having them because, I was pregnant again. I was planning on telling him that night, I had just found out a week prior.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks that he quickly whipped away.

“He, gave me a kiss goodbye and a promise to be back, I watched from our bed, him having Damian wave bye to me, before they left.”

Her heart shatters at the memory, tears spilling from her eyes as she tries to steady her breath.

“There was, there was a man driving who had taken a combination of meth, and cocaine. He was driving on the same road as them and, and-“ sobs wracked her body as his heart broke, the realization hitting him like a thousand bricks. Tears streamed from his eyes as he finally understood, wrapping his arms around her shaking body. “They were both crushed! CRUSHED! They couldn’t even identify the bodies until they looked up the owners and found us. They couldn’t find Damian's body because the car was so crushed, completely engulfing his tiny body. They, they called me that night to tell me. It was the worst night of my life. I, I lost the baby from the pain.” She screamed and sobbed, her body shaking violently in his arms. “That day, was exactly a year ago today.” His body broke down in sobs with her, his heart breaking worse than any pain he’s ever felt as he held her trembling body. Never, could he imagine the pain she felt everyday, especially today. “If it wasn’t for me feeling sick, I would’ve been in the car with them, and I wouldn’t have to live with the guilt and pain EVERY FUCKING DAY!” He quickly pulled her face into his hands, hands shaking as her sobs wrecked her. “Hey don’t say that, I know, I know how badly you wish you were in that car, in that crash, but none of it’s your fault. You’re meant to live on, to live for them. God I, this is gonna sound so selfish but, I can’t imagine life without you.” “Why?” She sobs, tears streaming from her eyes. “Because I, I love you.” He sobbed.

“You, you shouldn’t love me H/N.” She sobbed. “Why?” “Because look at me! I’m a widowed mother who’s lost both her husband and son! HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME WHEN IM, IM THIS!” She screamed, tears still falling from her eyes. “Because I do. I started loving you when you first asked to sit beside me at the cafe, from the first smile you gave me with your kind eyes. I started loving you when I heard your laugh when you made that horrible dobby joke. I started loving you when your eyes fell on me when I looked at you like you were mad. I started loving you when you said goodby that day, promising to see me the next day. I started loving you when my heart jumped in my chest when you walked in. I started loving you when you hugged me tight under that cherry blossom tree. I started loving you each time you touched me, everytime I heard your sweet voice. Your smile would light up my world, make me want to see it again. I’d even make a fool out of myself just to hear your laugh and call me an idiot. I was falling in love with you with every single moment I spent beside or with you. And I knew I loved you when I kissed you, I knew I was deeply in love that night. It, it wasn’t even sex, it was love. I felt every bit of love between us that night, it was a feeling I can only describe as, making love with the person you love so deeply that they hold your heart, and you’re not afraid. I, love you so much. Even now, knowing how much pain you hold. Because you’re not alone. You saved me.”

He admitted, tears falling from his eyes. He felt the weight of everything he had held for months pour out in every word he spoke, no fear, pain, anxiety could make him stop telling her how he’s felt all this time. His words barely scratched the surface of how he truly felt, it was more than being in love, it was feeling his soul connect with hers as everything around him had a glow, a soft haze as his heart belonged to her.

“I, I love you too H/N. So much. I’ve felt guilty, so much pain and guilt. I feel like I’m betraying my love to James and Damian, but I know they would want me happy. And with you, I feel it. I haven’t felt happy since that day, until I met you. God I, I can’t even describe how you make me feel in words. But now knowing you feel the same, I, I can’t even describe it.” Tears fell from both their eyes as they rest their heads together, smiles painted on their faces. Their hearts beating in unison

“I love you.” “I love you.” They mumble, lips finally connecting. Their lips danced as they feel the same wave of warmth they felt as their first, only now feeling a deep connection that they hadn’t felt before. The realization that both loved one another filling every small and large crack in them as they were consumed in love. “Please, be mine.” He whispers, lips hovering over hers. “Always.” She says, before connecting their lips again. Their hearts pouring out their chest as it soars.

“Are you upset that, I kept that from you?” She asks, her heart picking up as anxiety creeps up her chest. “No, because, I’ve been keeping something from you as well. But first, I want you to come back, with me, so I can show you.” Her eyes widen as she pulls her head from his, making him laugh. “It’s nothing scary I promise, I’m not a secret killer or anything. It’s just, better to show you and explain it then.”

She sits in his filming room as he explains everything, not a word leaving her as he shows her, everything. Ever bit of the life he’s hid so well from everyone in his personal life. Pouring out everything of his life that he can to her.

Nerves wreck him the entire time that he shows her everything, everything he’s made to his fans. But not once was he afraid, afraid that she would run. Her eyes still held love in them as she listened to him, a soft smile on her face a few times that he would show her something. A proud look in her eyes as he explained everything, as she did that same night.

“So, that’s, that’s my life.” He said, a laugh leaving him. “You still love me?” He asks, worry creeping in his chest. A soft smile forms on her face before she pulls him in, kissing his lips as she places both hands on the sides of his neck, his arms wrapping around her. “Yes, I’m still in love with you. I love every single part of you, and your life. I want to be with you, through everything. And I mean it.” Smiles paint their faces before they lean in, lips connecting as they fall against the couch, hearts soaring.

They pant as he falls against her chest, bodies sweaty as they lay there as the aftershocks still making them shake. Her legs still wrapped around him and they lay there, neither moving as they enjoy the still lingering sense of euphoria, bodies still connected as they hold one another.

He picks his head up from her chest, leaning in and kissing her lips. Their hearts beat against one another as their lips move, small moans escaping as they kiss. “Please, stay.” He mumbled. “What?” Shr asks. “I can’t keep letting my heart break everytime I see you walk out. I want you here, with me, please. I’ve lived here alone this entire time, and it’s only felt like home when you’re here. And I’ve realized, it’s not that you’re making it a home, it’s that anywhere feels like home with you in it.” Tears slip past their cheeks, his falling down onto her as he hovers over her. “And anywhere feels like home with you.” She says, leaning up, connecting their lips again. “I love you.” He mumbled into her lips, his heart soaring as she repeats the words back.

[angstyaches]

okay but i’m in love with the concept of bamf! Charlie and vulnerable! Shayne could i have some of that please?? 🍄

WHoa, look who finally got back to posting fics. I edited it SO MUCH, so there are probably inconsistencies, but I literally cannot look at it anymore.

Takes place a few days after Frost/Bite.

CW: nausea, panic, supernatural elements, possession, body sharing, slight possessiveness (maybe? could be interpreted like that?)

_

Shayne gulped and tried to breathe, tried to situate himself properly in his surroundings. He hadn’t imagined he would reunite with Charlie in a place like this; an abandoned section of railway ten minutes outside of the town, where Elliott said Nancy often came out to practice enchantments and where Ryan sometimes took the boys to practice combat and hunting techniques. In a way, it was like the Aldridge’s backyard, despite being nowhere near the townhouse itself.

He hadn’t imagined reuniting with Charlie much at all, really, since the idea alone was enough to make his lungs feel like they were collapsing. And now that the time had come, his stomach was twisting, and his body was trembling and cold, and there was no room left in him for anything else.

“You doing okay, buddy?” Felix asked.

Shayne groaned and kicked the toe of his boot against the metal railing at the edge of the train track. Flakes of rust dropped away into the frost. 

“You’re excited to see your friend, right?”

“Excited?” Shayne looked up, searching Felix’s face for any hint of sarcasm. “Should I be excited?”

“Sure? Maybe?” Felix glanced at Elliott, whose face made it clear that he didn’t intend to get involved. Felix’s own face made it clear that he regretted opening his mouth at all. “You want to see Charlie, right?”

“Yeah.” Shayne swallowed and shifted his feet in the icy grass. “I just – I feel sick, more than anything else.”

“Well, what did you devour a demon for, when you knew you were gonna be seeing Charlie soon?” Elliott snapped, losing hold of his stoic silence. “Is there a brain in that head of yours, or is it just vapours?”

Shayne gulped and tried not to visualise the entity’s soul that was currently being squeezed into the other dimension by his insides. He spent most of his waking hours trying not to visualise this, but anxiety and panic made it harder to distract himself. He’d hunted that demon in preparation for this specific day, but now, the pain – coupled with the apprehension – was rendering him unbearably nauseous, and he was starting to wonder if it had even been worth the effort.

“I don’t know what to say to him, after – after everything that’s happened.”

Elliott hummed pointedly. “I’d start by apologising for that shit you said outside his house, when you didn’t know he was listening.”

“I don’t think anything you’re saying is helpful, Elli,” Felix grimaced.

“I also tried to eat him.”

Felix cleared his throat. “I’m sorry; what?”

“Mmhmm, twice.” Shayne paced back and forth in front of the two of them, slowing when the frantic movement made his stomach cramp. “Once as Charlie Two, and once as just Charlie.”

“Hey, that…” Felix chuckled. “I’m sure that sounds worse than it –”

“I tried to chew off his hand.”

“O-kay,” Felix sang, drawing out the O as he mashed his gloved palms together.

“Either way, I think he just pulled up,” Elliott pointed out, nodding towards the slope in the hill. Next to the Aldridge’s car was Trevor Waters’ green Fiat.

And in the end, everything happened too fast.

Shayne wished he could remember the moment he saw Charlie get out of his car and come towards him. If his heart skipped a beat upon being scooped into an embrace, he couldn’t recall. All he knew was that suddenly he had a face full of Charlie’s jacket, and a head full of the smell of him, and a hollow clawing in his stomach that he couldn’t quite put a name to. 

At least he was sure it wasn’t hunger this time.

After what could have been moments or hours, Charlie pulled back to look at Shayne’s face. He hadn’t gelled his hair up, so it was hanging like a clump of soft yellow feathers across his forehead.

His eyes, though, were darkened by something, and that initial haziness fell away as quickly as snow sliding from a tree branch. Shayne swallowed and lowered his gaze to the collar of Charlie’s denim jacket, to the coating of artificial fur inside his hood.

“Something’s wrong,” Charlie breathed. “Isn’t it? Look at me.”

Shayne flinched at the feeling of a hand on his cheek. The jolt of fear was followed by hot, scalding anger; all he’d done for months was long for Charlie to be close to him, and now that he was, his body was doing nothing but betraying him. He shut his eyes, feeling close to tears, but he didn’t know if they would be tears of relief or fear or frustration.

“Shayne, please.”

His gaze flicked up for just a second, before he glanced away again. The temperature of Charlie’s hand seemed to drop, and his hold tightened.

“I’m – Charlie, I’m fine –”

“Shayne.”

Gulping against the second swell of fear in as many moments, Shayne felt his face guided again by Charlie’s grasp. Charlie’s eyes moved back and forth between his; what Shayne saw in them was not the softness he’d come to recognise, but an abject kind of fear.

Like Charlie was staring down something from one of his own night terrors.

“You devoured a demon?”

It was barely a question.

Shayne swore that a deep shadow – a shadow with its own face and its own voice and its own touch – slithered across Charlie’s face, settling in the iris of his left eye, spreading like an oil spill in the dazzling blue.

Charlie’s fingers began to slip the longer Shayne didn’t reply, didn’t deny what he’d been accused of. He practically flung Shayne’s face out of his grip.

“You – you’re still devouring demons? You’ve been…”

Shayne felt his lips start to tremble; all he wanted in the world was for Charlie to stop, to just please stop looking at me like I’m a monster –

“You came here to – I mean, I thought you came here to get away from all that.”

“I-I did, I –”

“You took yourself out of school, away from Mulberry, away from… everything.” Charlie laid a hand on his own chest at this; the back of his hand was pocked with the shadows of darkened veins, of something else coming through. “I thought it was so you wouldn’t have to do this anymore?”

The nausea Shayne had been fighting so hard to keep under control suddenly had a dark, burning grip. The look on Charlie’s face was enough for Shayne to be sure that his stomach was going to turn. He was used to being the object of someone else’s disgust, but he’d never prepared himself for this, for Charlie to –

“Charlie…” As he said the name, Shayne saw that shadowy chasm in Charlie’s left eye deepen. The fear finally churned Shayne’s stomach and made his hair bristle. “C-CT,” he stammered.

“Was it you two?” Charlie demanded, turning on Elliott and Felix. “Was it you two, or your foster parents? Motherfucking bloodsuckers, who did this? Fucking answer me!”

Stop, Shayne needed to say. He needed to tell Charlie that this was all on him, he’d made the decision himself, that the Aldridges weren’t to blame. But the words caught in his throat, the dread felt like a weight in his stomach, and the tormenting thoughts came in like a wave.

Doesn’t he know? This is what I am.

This is what I’m for.

This is all I’ll ever –

It wasn’t until a trembling started, in the ground and in his bones, that Shayne snapped himself out of it and realised what was happening. The tracks groaned under the pressure suddenly being shot through the wood and metal, as though an invisible train was suddenly hurtling towards them.

“Charlie,” Felix was saying softly, proceeding with his palms outstretched in front of Elliott, whose fists were tightly drawn by his sides. “Listen, we – we care about Shayne just as much as –”

“Quiet,” came a steady cry that seemed to penetrate the logic of regular sound and reverberate through the air. “You bastards only see him as a tool, don’t you? Just like the Devines.”

“N-no,” Felix blurted out, never taking his widening eyes off of Charlie. “That’s not – that’s not true at all…”

The ground beneath Charlie’s feet swirled with sickeningly black darkness. The fingers of his left hand curled outward like chipped, grey branches, clutching at the air as though they were directly gripping something.

A sharp crack made Shayne jump, made his knees tremble, and he realised a plank of wood built into the train tracks had splintered and buckled upwards. Felix seemed to notice it too, and he took another step back, drawing Elliott with him. Shayne’s breath quivered as he sidestepped another plank as it warped and snapped, until he finally knocked the heel of his boot on the rusted iron rail and sent himself stumbling. 

He almost caught himself, but then his legs finally sagged and he let himself sink to the ground, clutching the railing with one hand and his stomach with the other.

This isn’t happening. This isn’t your body. This isn’t –

“I took him to the forest so he could devour a demon.”

Shayne’s eyes widened as he heard Elliott speak up. He looked up to see that Charlie’s attention had snapped around to focus on the taller of the Aldridges. Felix’s body sagged slightly, and he lightly clutched at Elliott’s arm.

“Speak,” Charlie and CT snapped, and a wisp of their deep grey fog rose in front of Elliott’s face.

“I took him out to the forest the day before yesterday,” Elliott went on. His face deepened into a frown as his neck and shoulders rolled lightly, mirroring the twist of CT’s curved fingers. His eyes met Shayne’s briefly. “So he could hunt. I also took blood from him.”

Shayne physically flinched on the ground; he couldn’t think of a single reason to reveal that to Charlie, especially at this particular moment. He hugged his stomach, saliva building in his mouth as cold sweat coated his skin.

“You took his blood?” Charlie’s voice trembled with anger and surprise. “You really have no idea how afraid you should be of me, bloodsucker. You have no idea how far I will go to keep him safe from abominations like you.”

“I needed to,” Elliott grunted, his voice heightening. “To… to get us back home. The snow had gotten us lost and I was so weak, and he was – he was in pain and he was freezing, and I could barely keep my head up. I was so dizzy, and he was so –”

Elliott was spilling out the explanation with seemingly little-to-no control, for someone who usually liked to get right to the point.

“He… he needed my help, and I needed his,” Elliott choked out weakly.

Shayne realised it must have been Charlie forcing the truth out of him. Usually, even using his telekinesis around other people made Charlie nervous. And yet, this…

This.

This was his Charlie.

“Ch-Charlie, stop,” Shayne whimpered. His heart clenched and his stomach flipped over again as that gaze was turned on him, CT’s eye burning like black coals leaking smoke, and Charlie’s eye weeping furious tears.

Both, he realised, were prepared to kill for him.

“Elliott, he – he didn’t… I asked him to take me out there,” Shayne whimpered, barely resisting the urge to curl in on himself. “It was m-my decision, and it was – it was probably a stupid one, but that’s the truth.”

His heart pounded as Charlie considered him. Shayne was practically cowering on the ground, but he had the feeling Charlie was taller than he usually was. CT’s demonic fingers were still twitching and curling by his side, causing the pressure in the ground to come through the metal railing and into Shayne’s spine.

“I don’t believe you,” Charlie said. “I can’t believe you.”

Cold fear coursed through Shayne’s gut. “It’s the truth,” he whispered again.

“Why – why would you?” Charlie’s voice almost back at the same level as it always was. Slowly, the black flames began to lick a little higher around his legs, the sunken form of CT’s skull seeping through to the left side of his face.

“I-I –”

Charlie dropped to a crouch and clutched the opposite railing with his branch-like fingers. The metal creaked and the wood began to warp again, closing in around Shayne’s legs like weathered, splintering snakes.

“How could you?”

“I –”

“You left me behind,” Charlie growled, “so you wouldn’t have to do that, unless you LEFT ME BEHIND FOR NOTHING –”

“No.” Shayne found himself shrinking back, arms wrapped around his waist, trembling with the fear of what was inside him; of what he was to the creature standing in front of him. “The last – last time we were alone together, I – I almost hurt you.”

Shayne felt like the rest of the world was being warped as Charlie leaned forward, pressing down on the tracks with both hands now. 

“You devoured a demon before seeing me,” Charlie said, “so you wouldn’t be tempted. So you wouldn’t hurt me?”

The irony was not lost on Shayne as he attempted to hold himself together, feeling like his entire body could shatter under the intensity of that gaze.

The darkness spiked up through Charlie’s face, dragging his hair back with it. “Shayne, when you hurt yourself, you hurt me. That’s how this works.”

“How...” Shayne’s teeth chattered, his breath hitched. “How what works?”

The tracks stopped groaning, and the shadows sank back from Charlie’s eye sockets.

“When you love someone, asshole.”

Shayne’s chest ached as though he’d just been punched, no room left in his lungs for air. His stomach twisted into a knot that only eased up slightly when he felt the first tears start to roll down his face.

“I… I-I love… I love you, too.”

Charlie blinked, the chasm of CT’s control retreating again as his hair fell softly over his forehead. “Shayne…”

“I’m – I’m sorry, Charlie,” Shayne whimpered. “All I wanted to do was keep you safe and this was the only thing I could think of – I’m sorry that this is all I am, this is all I’m ever going to be good for, and it’s the only thing I can do…”

Shayne was shivering as he curled in on his own body. He was so focused on trying to breathe deeply enough for his lungs to stop aching, that he didn’t realise he’d sunk forward, pressing his forehead against the wooden tracks that no longer vibrated with demonic energy. Over the sound of the sobs that were catching in his throat, he heard words being exchanged.

“Shayne, I’m – oh my god, shit. Um, hey, it’s okay…”

“This - this is - this is all I can do,” Shayne choked out between hitched breaths, no longer sure if he was telling Charlie, or himself.

“It’s alright, man, it’s not just you,” Elliott muttered. “He’s been a fucking wreck the last few days.”

“You, um, need a hand, getting him to your car?” Felix asked.

“No, I’ve got him.” Charlie’s voice soft and careful. A hand - soft, warm, human - rested on the back of Shayne’s head, fingers combing through his hair. “Just give us a minute.”

“I’m sorry,” Shayne whispered through clenched teeth, shivering as Charlie’s touch sent warm shivers over his skin. He nudged his head against the hand, eventually following it upwards so that he was looking Charlie in the eye again. He was dizzy and even more nauseous than before, but he forced himself to focus as Charlie brushed a thumb against his cheek.

“Hi,” Charlie whispered.

“Hey.” Shayne directed his breathless, trembling energy into a half-smile, which made Charlie’s blue eyes light up.

“Miss me?” Charlie let out a self-conscious chuckle as he asked the question, but it hit Shayne in the gut. 

He winced and leaned his cheek into Charlie’s hand again. “Every fucking day.”

[leam1983]

On Grief

This is a long one. You're under no obligation to push further if you don't want to. It's a personal post, so I'll more than understand if this isn't to your tastes. The normally-scheduled pedantry, commentary and memes will resume shortly.

One of my relatives was diagnosed with ALS. What started as an odd case of palsy in her left set of vocal cords that could've been far more benign was just confirmed by her referred physician. It's Lou Gherig's, and with her age and current condition, her prognosis is of three to five years, tops. Sure, Stephen Hawking blew his own prognosis out of the water, but a combination of notoriety and luck enabled him to eke out as much existence as medical tech could've possibly allowed.

We knew things were suspect when my aunt, a marathoner with a monthly sub to Runner's World, stopped running. Her food intake dropped like a stone, and she soon took to increasingly simple painting and drawing styles. At first we thought it was just her wanting to explore simpler rendering techniques, but then...

Then we noticed the twitching. How awkwardly her pens and brushes were set in her hands. She was in great shape and didn't mind living in the ass-end of Sutton, basically in the open country and with a path leading up to her front door that was all in rough cobblestones. She broke a hip against them, last year.

Her speech started to slur, lately. Her last bike trip also landed her in the ER. She doesn't bike anymore. She doesn't run, and being a gourmand by nature, feels obligated to restrain herself, for fear of gaining weight. She's aggressively vegan. Not towards others, but towards herself. No meat, no eggs, nothing. Most of us ovo-lactos and omnivores in the family know her constant snacking meant her seventy-plus body is desperate for energy.

From the look of things, it feels like the diagnosis broke through her bullshit reasoning for being vegan. She wasn't vegan for the sake of limiting her carbon footprint or making more responsible choices at the grocery store, but because she, as a lifelong anorexic, thought she was ugly and needed to lose weight. That's been a constant with her. Age catches up and skin sags? She mistakes it for a love handle, cuts out virtually all sources of protein and carbs safe for tofu, seitan and bean-based preps. Of course, like a lot of anorexics, she'd have bulemic episodes. I used to sleep over at her last bachelor pad, as a teen, and I remember her pantry was loaded up for bear with Danish cookie tins, Nutella jars and whipped cream. I remember she invited me over specifically when she intended to cheat. Then it was back to yoga, pot-smoking, meditation and shopping runs - and she probably kept her purging for when I was gone.

So yeah. I'm betting Belgian Asshole (see one of my previous posts) convinced her to break her vows and went looking for a "slice of authentic Tikka Masala", to quote his email. The entire family is made up of ethnic food diehards, so we spam-flooded his inbox with recommendations. Looks like she'll be eating meat again, soon. Her own email mentioned concerns of strength and stamina, so I get it.

Otherwise? We're gobsmacked. Imagine spending an entire weekday both at work and off work, aggressively goofing off because you're trying as hard as you can not to think of your favourite aunt's mention of assisted suicide as an option.

Three to five years. Maybe one, or two good Christmases. After that, her condition should probably have started to deteriorate quickly.

I'm not close with a ton of my own family. I love them all, but it's more a sense of polite respect than anything involving solid bonds. The only two folks I know I'll be devastated for when they'll die are her, and my youngest cousin on the other side of the family.

I'm mostly okay now. No doubts, no crisis of unbelief, no anger, no rage... But then I'll see her in a more diminished state, one of those days. How am I going to take to it?

Part of me keeps a tally of the deaths in the family. First, it was my uncle on my mother's side. Ruptured abdominal artery, with a leak small enough to pool into the gut's cavity for months. Decay settled in, guy got anesthetized for an intervention...

They didn't even bother sewing him back up.

Second one was my other paternal aunt's new husband. First one was great, but left the country in the seventies to go live in Stockholm with his medical assistant. Second one was a geologist and physicist at the same campus she taught as. French guy, the son of innkeepers four generations down. It showed, too. Our Christmas tables haven't been the same since he left us his recipie books, all his corny jokes on provincial eating habits, and his obstinate focus on turning every 25th of December into a Roman orgy probably befitting of the old Saturnalia traditions. I mean, when's the last time you've had an eight-course meal, outside of Thanksgiving?

Tumors in his mesenteric artery lined the blood vessel's inner walls, deposited virtually everywhere in his body. He was diagnosed in June and dead by August. He'd always been the lanky type, bone-thin even if he hoovered food like he'd never have enough. He looked even thinner in his hospital bed.

Then, my maternal grandpa bit it. Decades of casual alcoholism, cirrhosis more or less jumping on him around his seventy-sixth year. He looked a bit like John Keston, the actor who played Gehn in CyanWorlds' Riven. Same hairline, same hawkish nose, same eyes - just more Cajun and less New England-esque. I don't know if it was youth or stupidity or - anything, really, but I dropped by to see him, just two days before he died. I didn't realize he was tallying my life, asking me if I had everything in order, if things were planned.

Now, I understand.

Next one on the chopping block is Aunt Doris, still on Mom's side. She of the serial mooching, she of the concept of not needing much to get by if you were the cute one of the family. She was pretty enough in her prime, sure - if by pretty you meant "cigarette-butt blonde with a discount Farah Fawcett blow-up and an unfinished High School degree". First husband was an abusive ass who gave her an uncommonly sensitive son, second one figured she'd stick to the minimum-wage circuit while he tore out rotator cuffs or busted his C7 while on his outboard like clockwork. By the end, she roped my grandmother into living with her, spent her days sloppy-drunk and died on her ratty couch while falling asleep and choking on her own vomit.

Before them all, the youngest of my uncles died at age two. Cancer. Never knew which one, was told it didn't matter. You didn't survive much of anything cancerous, back in the late fifties.

Ping-pong this back to three years ago, and my oldest paternal uncle dies. Paul, who smoked like a chimney for most of his life and successfully stopped after discovering Champix. He got to live five great years as the high-IQ oddball he'd always been, smoke-free. Paul was the weird bird in the family, the type to remember a really engrossing story at two in the morning and making a note to call you up first thing in the morning to share it. He always had a project of some sort to work on, like a simulated investors' tank for young entrepreneurs looking to learn the ropes, or a Byzantine arrangement of coaxials allowing four of his lakeside neighbours to pirate his cable sub. He'd invite us over for dinner, gather all the ingredients we'd need for whatever it was he wanted to treat us to - and then he'd let us cook it - just sitting by the sidelines, chatting away.

He was also a bit of a narcoleptic, and looked a bit like William Howard Taft if you'd worked him out of these old sack suits and into modern shirts and suspenders. He fell asleep practically everywhere, with his more wakeful environments being his workshop and his property's dock. He took me out fishing, once, and knew what the entire family expected.

"Oars're here, Gremlin, fish're that way. Wake me up when you've got a bite."

At this point, it wasn't even a point of concern; it was just an Uncle Paul Thing, the exact thing you'd have expected out of this kind, eccentric blob of a man whose idea of fishing involved pushing his hat over his eyes and basically all but ensuring that his roaring snores would scare prey away. He'd been a supposedly high-IQ type, terminally bored with almost everything, only really getting agitated and interested back when I asked him for help for my Junior High Computer class's Javascript calculator. Once the syntax hit something familiar and he realized that JS has some similarities with FORTRAN, he was on a roll, acting like someone had snuck a Red Bull in his coffee.

Well, fibrosis caught up with him. His last hours were spent directing us on how to cook what would've been his last meal. I think he really just wanted to know we were alright, that we still could exchange laughs around the kitchen counter. He clocked out the way he always did, except he had an oxygen tube running under his nose. His head bobbed down, he snored loudly for a few minutes, then turned increasingly quiet...

And that was it.

And now there's Isabelle. The marathoner, my partner-in-crime when it comes to professing to have a healthy diet while occasionally cheating in glorious, weekend-defining means, my gateway to cannabis and also the first person who took my cringy self-insert fanfic fodder and went No, that's worth it! Push it, develop that universe of yours!

I wouldn't be almost two-thirds of the way through my first decent manuscript, if not for her, and I wouldn't be shopping for publishers with the same energy you'd reserve for weekend-grade Facebook putzing-about. I owe her part of my self-acceptance, and part of my discovery of what defines my routine to this day. Isabelle was my first meditation coach.

And in three to five years, she might be gone.

I just thought grief might be... noisier, is all. Louder. Right now, it's just germane to confusion, and it's sitting there. There's a pinch of fear in it, too. My parents are in their mid-sixties. How long do I have left with them?!

And the family and I just covered that up with jokes and, well, cooking. I've been told I'd make a half-decent therapist but - navigating your own emotions is hard work...

I don't know. I guess I needed to put this down somewhere.

[yume-tsuki]

Shaman King Elemental: Hakuro To celebrate the new Anime I decidet to show you my characters. The fact that this year is also the year my story takes place  and the anime gets a new version makes it so awesome x3 Today I present you Hakuro,the elemental warrior of earth. (if there are missspelled words....I’m to bored to look through it today.)

Hakuro is a high headed  young boy. But even when he loves to pick a fight he  is raised at a nobel household. Hakuro’s past was the total opposite, he grew up in middle east by his mother who feld in love with a man from England, he was half Japan and half English that’s why he got that name. Unloved by her family she raised her boy with all the love she still had left. Hakuro always smiled and was a joyfull young boy who loved to run around and play tricks. Not noticing the less of food they had. One day he went to hills near his home looking for plants to eat and small creatures when  he noticed a rock with a pitch black small cage. Curious he wanted to know what’s inside and tried to get in but stock. Then Soltier appeared talking a foreign language.  Full of fear Haku tried to get in the cage when an evil deep voice calling him. Haku noticed the stinky breath who feld hot like magma. The voice wonders if he is afraid but Haku said no. After the soltier disappeared Haku went out of the cage seeing a lot of brass broken on the ground. The voice, appeared as a giant dinosaurian like creature with a red body. Named Bahamut. He said that this was Hakuro’s power and he would stay with him for a while and in the end he would eat him. Hakuro giggles but not for long. At home a man stands infront of his mother yelling at her, it was his father who wanted to take him with her giving him a better live. Bahamut Like all of my Elemental Spirits Bahamut is based on a Pokemon Groudon.  I drew them when I was around 12 and doesn’t wanted to change them. Bahamut was once a small Thorny devil, now with the ability of using the earth for it’s will he became a giant monster with red hard skin and big teeth. Even when he looks intimidating Bahamut is very friendly and loves children but he would never say that out lout. Like all the spirits is the conection to their shamans very deep. Later Bahamut safes Hakuro and the others from the power of the evil…more on the bottom. Present After Hakuro got the mission to look for the stone he went back to his home town for the first time since his father took him away. He is still able to understand the language. Even when he was homesick as hell the first thing he did was looking for the stone. Also Hakuro was the first one who met  one of the enemies group. A young girl and a small boy, they tricked him and brought him into a self made cave.  He woke up by them arguing with each other and when they fought Hakuro they weren’T able to fight with each other well, in the end they destroyed their own hideout by flooding the tunnels. Hakuro safed them and also found the stone. He went to the house of his mother seeing she had another daughter and a boy. When his mother saw him then, she was very weak, she couldn’t believe. Hakuro then hoped that everything would be maybe normal again with their parents. His mother got another man but he died. The most of the story Hakuro takes small roles he is a strong and powerful fighter but the most important moment is in the end of the story. When Rika came back after her betrayal he was one of the first who believed she told the truth, Hakuro felt her heart beating. When he fused with Spirit of Earth a man with red hair brown skin, scars and muscles appears infront of him (he is totally looking like Houzukumaru when I think about it now...) Josun, his name, tells Hakuro the true power of the Elemental Warriors. The thing what will make them to the choosen one.

The power not only to control the earth around them, also the fact they could control the whole planet destroying them in a moment it was also the power to control the different elements inside their bodies. Josun explains him a special technique to seal Tabris and the spirit from moving. He also tells him what everyone can control: Earth is as strong as bones; Electricity is fast as nerves; Water continues nutritious like veins;   Fire is the heat of the muscles;  Wind is the breath and Mind is the knowledge;  but they are 3 others, the soul part of the water who gives us personality, the wish who let us live and the heart who let us exist. When they want to fight and win they had to find the heart elemental warrior… Hakuro tells this to his friends later and they search for the last Warrior. Then in the final fight, he was the first one who got to feel the true power of the dark spirit. The power  of Unbeknownst He wakes up in a perfect world without spirits, he has a normal day at school praying to Tabris the savior, but soon he feels controlled and then on a school trip he heares the voice of his spirit. Bahamut told him he totally got lost and wasn’t able to see him anymore, Hakuro apologies and says he missed him. Then he tells the others of Tabris plan to control the human letting them pray only for him, letting them loosing the ability to see spirits and use their power for help. Together with the others they use the special technique again this time they made it…. In the Epilog   He is the first one Jao finds in the great spirits desert, after becoming the earth itself. Later when they come back to the real world he meet his siblings and his mother who is now with his father again. Strength 7/10 Elemental use/power 10/10 Stamina 6/10 Technique 10/10 Intelligence 5/10 Speed 5/10 Spirit Control 10/10 Healing Ability 3/10 Comunication/Team power 7/10 Even when he is a big mouth he also has a big heart and takes good care of his friends and family. He is able to feel if someone is laying or saying the truth by feeling the vibration through the bones. He could heal bones but he never tried because he never thought about it. He is able to use all kind of earth, swamp, sand, stone,...but not only to destroy it he also can fix it again. He shows that when he destroyed a stone at Yoh’s house letting it slowly rebuild. The girl he saved from drowning has a crush on him and later went to their group  (I totally forgot this) He hasn’t a favorite food because at least to have food is more important. He is very smart at school and ones will help his father at his company.

[gumnut-logic]

Tiptoe

This ramble was supposed to be Fandomversary Fic #6 for @purfectpurple who asked vor Virgil & Tiptoe, but I’m not convinced it is good enough since my brain is just not up to writing at the moment. But it is what it is, I hope you gain some amusement out of it anyway ::hugs::

-o-o-o-

It started when he was a baby.

Virgil was a sensitive child and long before he learned to control himself and manage his sensory input, his moods were fragile. It wasn’t that his family was terrified of him.

It was more they were terrified of waking him.

Fortunately, despite his sensitivities, Virgil was a good sleeper and once he was asleep, he usually stayed that way.

The challenge was at either end of the soporific voyage - getting to sleep and waking up.

As a child, the first part was fairly easy. There were moments where he nodded off in the car and his father had to carry him in, times where he crashed in front of the TV, falling asleep on the couch. He was an active boy and wore himself out on a regular basis.

Waking up in the morning? Not so easy. Before the miraculous discovery of coffee as an adult - his father forbade it when he was young for very good reasons - getting out of bed in the mornings was a saga.

His youngest brothers ended up absolutely terrified of waking him. Gordon called him beary-scary and Alan just plain didn’t go anywhere near him until he had had breakfast.

But even before his youngest brothers were born, Virgil was difficult. His mother tried everything from whale song to gentle piano music, from alarms to raising her voice.

Nothing worked.

Virgil would either become intolerable and snarly or just not wake up at all.

John used Virgil for his year five science project. He may have risked life and limb by experimenting with the different techniques involved in waking his older brother, and when his father found out, there were some serious words, but one piece of crucial information was discovered.

There was one family member who could wake Virgil without the drama.

His big brother Scott.

John was unable to determine exactly what their eldest did, but every time he was left alone with a sleeping Virgil, they would eventually both emerge from his room, Virgil calm and fully awake.

John interrogated both of them on specifics, but neither were talking. In fact, Virgil reverted to snarly at the mere hint of a question on the subject and John did rather value his life – he needed it to become an astronaut.

So, Scott was wrangled into Virgil waking duty every morning before school and for the first time, the second eldest made it to school on time and without growling at a family member.

Now, Virgil at heart was a gentle child, so all this anger and snarling was odd. There was discussion of taking him to a child psychologist to see if he needed help, but Virgil claimed he just wanted to sleep in.

Scott claimed there was nothing wrong with Virgil…and, in that not so innocent way of a child too smart for his own good, insinuated that there was more likely something wrong with the rest of them than Virgil.

Their father wondered if he should take both of his eldest to a child psychologist.

But Virgil’s sleeping habits became the least of their worries when the family lost their beloved wife and mother.

Jeff disappeared into work and each of his boys just managed the best they could.

Scott and Virgil continued to be close through the remainder of their formative years and waking Virgil in the mornings was only an issue when Scott was absent.

Which occurred rather abruptly when the eldest left for the Air Force.

But by this time Virgil was old enough to guzzle coffee and that quickly became his younger brothers’ go to for grizzly bear management.

Once International Rescue was formed and they all moved to the Island, Scott was reinstated as official Virgil rouser.

The eldest was unable to be around all the time, and to be fair, he wasn’t really needed. Virgil was an adult and could manage himself. Scott just made sure that the Island was always…always… fully stocked with coffee.

But all the coffee in the world could not handle the impact of losing their father.

For awhile there, all five brothers lost it in some way.

Scott became obsessive and driven.

John was the hunter, scouring the skies, space, everything.

Gordon became the achiever. He felt the need to push himself to be the best at everything he did. From the Olympics to WASP to surviving the crippling hydrofoil crash, Gordon did it all to prove himself to the father he had lost. As if he felt he hadn’t done enough while his father had been safe and sound.

Alan was eleven. Alan lost his daddy and they all cried with him.

But Virgil lost something he never quite recovered in the years that followed, even after their father’s return. Virgil lost the ability to sleep.

Sure, he slept some, but every night was disturbed, every night was late, every morning was just hard.

But he was an adult and his family was falling apart around him. International Rescue needed rescuing. His big brother, his idol, his best friend, was falling apart. A little insomnia seemed nothing in comparison.

So, he managed.

But the bear returned.

There was coffee. Buckets of it. He hated snarling at those he loved. It was like he was possessed by an insomniac demon.

And he couldn’t afford to sleep through a rescue alarm. He nailed strategies into his brain, desperate to get it to behave. He took on his insomnia as he did any challenge and kept it quiet not to worry his brothers.

He managed to get through a year of hell. He couldn’t hide all of it and he soon became aware of his family tiptoeing around him. Occasionally he would fall asleep on the lounge or out by the pool.

Gordon nearly got his kahunas handed to him the day he got it into his head that it might be funny to dump a bucket of water on a sleeping Virgil.

The incident was never spoken of again.

Virgil was beary-scary.

But for that first year, he got away with it.

It wore him down. The bear became the norm, not the odd incident. Scott had to corner him and reprimand his gentle brother for snarling at an idiot rescuee.

And then came the day he fell asleep in his chute.

It shouldn’t have been possible, but it was rescue number five and he hadn’t slept for nearly forty-eight hours. The moment he lay down, he found himself relaxing as the machinery did what it needed to do its rhythmic way. Looking back, he realised he must have drifted off shortly before the machinery added his baldric.

It was John who woke him, yelling in his ear from orbit.

Waking up to find himself dangling from a harness hanging above his ‘bird, Brains’ neuroticism with safety the only thing keeping him from a fall that would have killed him.

Virgil managed to climb down into his ‘bird, but John’s words were acidic, the Commander’s even more so, and Scott returned to the Island to kick Virgil off Thunderbird Two and take her without him.

Virgil was ordered to bed.

Where he stared at the ceiling and fretted until his brother returned.

There followed the psychologist and the sleep doctors. Virgil tried his best. He couldn’t let his family down.

Virgil’s sleep became respected even more. If he fell asleep anywhere, the whole family would respect it, tiptoeing if necessary, but usually vacating to other parts of the house to let their big bear sleep.

But now it wasn’t out of fear, but more out of understanding.

Sleep was precious and Virgil needed every morsel he could gather.

Coffee was still deployed every morning. Hell, Scott was deployed some mornings. The eldest still held that secret close to his chest and Virgil refused to speak about it, but if it made Virgil’s life easier, the whole family was just happy their bear of a brother was happy.

His sleep issues improved, but they never quite went away. There were theories as to why Virgil was having trouble, but nothing conclusive. He just kept soldiering on.

And if he fell asleep anywhere, anywhere, he remained that way as long as his family could manage.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

I’m worried about heart damage from previous anorexia based on some symptoms I’ve had for years now but can’t quite explain well. I only recovered because I noticed that my heart was beating less and less. Forty pounds later and it might have been too late, anyway. But again, I don’t know how to phrase any of this to my doctor in a concise way. I feel lost and kind of scared.

Anon, I totally understand how you're feeling. Before I give you my advice, I'm going to share my own experience, but if you prefer to skip that (totally fine!), I've added a large heading before my advice.

My Experience

I already had a heart condition (reflex anoxic seizures [RAS]) before my anorexia started, but at my worst, it got...scary.

The chest pain was constant. At night, the pain of heart palpitations--all those irregular flips and pauses and stutters--would keep me up for hours, and I'd pray with every ounce of faith I had to wake up alive in the morning. My heart felt like a fragile, fluttery thing, weak and untrustworthy. But I tried to ignore it, tried to blame it all on my RAS.

Of course, when I entered recovery, my heart issues improved very quickly, as did my breathing problems (it used to be that I constantly struggled to get a full breath and always felt like there was a steel vice constricting my lungs, or like I was trying to breathe underwater)--because my RAS was never the cause. Starving was.

What's interesting is, my heart issues started before I became severely underweight. I had had them for the entire 3-4 years before I entered recovery. It's TERRIFYING how quickly anorexia gave me health issues.

Now that I have spent a year in recovery/quasi-recovery, with relapses here and there, I still worry about my heart. If I go for a short jog in the evening, I will lie in bed hours later and have heart palpitations. If I go too long without eating, my heart will start to feel fluttery and weak again. I have low blood pressure and feel like I'm going to black out if I stand up, or sit up, or straighten out my posture.

And I will be 100% honest with you, Anon: I haven't told the doctor about it. I go to my yearly checkups, but I haven't mentioned my concerns, because I am so scared of finding out that my fear is justified.

I absolutely understand how scary it can be, Anon. I am so sorry you are going through this.

My Advice

My best advice is to make a plan for what you will tell the doctor. First, what do you think they might need to know? I have some ideas:

The symptoms that concern you now

Symptoms you had in the past

Why you think you are having problems

Now let's break it down further. Let's look at the first category: the symptoms that concern you now.

What are these symptoms? (e.g. chest pain; irregular pulse; dizziness; paleness; cold, blue, swollen, or numb extremities; shortness of breath; fatigue)

Can you describe them in detail? (e.g. pain--is it stabbing, burning, aching, squeezing? Irregular pulse--does your heart beat too fast, beat too slow, pound, flutter, skip beats?)

Where in your body do they occur? (e.g. your heart; your whole chest; the left side of your chest; your extremities)

When/how often do they occur? (e.g. every day; at least twice a week; when you lay down)

When did they start? (e.g. X years ago; when your eating disorder started; when you reached X weight)

Have you noticed any triggers that make them worse? (e.g. exercise; skipping meals; caffeine)

Have you noticed anything that helps? (e.g. relaxation techniques; drinking water; eating)

The next category is symptoms you had in the past.

What were these symptoms? Can you describe them in detail? Where in your body did they occur? When/how often did they occur? What made them better/worse? When did they start?

When did they stop? (e.g. X years ago; when you started recovery; when you reached X weight)

Did you make any changes before they stopped? (e.g. increased caloric intake; gained weight; changed exercise habits; was hospitalized; started taking vitamins; changed contents of diet)

Do they ever come back? (e.g. every couple months; only after intense exercise; never)

And finally, why you think you are having problems.

What do you believe caused these symptoms? (e.g. anorexia, restriction; e.g. anorexia, binge-purge; bulimia)

How long did this last? (e.g. X years; most of high school)

What potentially harmful behaviors have you engaged in? (e.g. extreme weight loss; being underweight; undereating; fasting; laxative abuse; excessive caffeine; overexercise; purging)

Can you describe these behaviors in detail? (e.g. X-lb weight loss in X months/years; weighing X lbs; ~X daily calories; ~X hours/days of fasting daily/weekly; ~X hours of cardio daily; ~X times purging daily)

How often and for how long did you engage in these behaviors? (e.g. every day; on and off for a few months at a time; at least twice per week)

When did you stop engaging in these behaviors? (e.g. X months ago; tapered off starting X years ago; after hospitalization in 20XX)

Do you ever engage in these behaviors now? (e.g. every few months; after noticing weight gain; never)

What have you been diagnosed with? (e.g. anorexia nervosa, binge-purge subtype; reflex anoxic seizures; hypotension; iron deficiency; nothing but should have been)

What medications and supplements are you taking? (e.g. Prozac; blood thinners; multivitamins; ibuprofen when needed)

What is your family medical history? (e.g. hypotension runs in the family; father had heart attack at age XX; grandmother died of stroke; most female relatives struggle with disordered eating)

Okay, now that we have a list of some things the doctor might want to know, it's time to make notes. Get a piece of paper, a notebook, a Google Doc, or whatever, and start writing down the answers to these questions. If you can think of any more questions or relevant information the doctor might be interested in, great! Write all of that down too.

If you want, you can bring these notes to your appointment to help you remember the info, or even to show the doctor. If you don't bring your notes, you'll still be prepared for the questions the doctor might ask you.

Now it's time to schedule an appointment. I'd recommend going to your primary care physician first; if they recommend seeing a specialist, then it may be time to book an appointment with a cardiologist.

When you make your appointment, just give the basics of your symptoms. For example, "Hi, I'm _______. I'd like to schedule an appointment with Dr. _______. I've been having heart palpitations and chest pain and I just want to see what's going on."

And now comes the hard part: talking to the doctor. Start with the most important information first (when I listed the questions in blue text, I tried to put the most important ones first in each category), and expand on it when asked.

If at all possible, I would strongly recommend telling the doctor about your history with anorexia in as much detail as they ask for (I'd also recommend asking the nurse not to tell you your weight!). However, I know it might be hard to talk about your eating disorder. Just give as much information as you can, even if it means having to say something vague like "I lost a lot of weight a few years back."

The important thing to remember is that your doctor will not judge you for your history with anorexia. Doctors have seen everything; all they care about is treating their patients as best they can. It's scary to think that something could be wrong, but it's better you discover any problems and start looking at treatment options now, rather than later.

You can do this, Anon! I'm proud of you for wanting to talk to your doctor. You make me want to seek help for my own heart problems. I believe in you, and I wish you the best of luck! ❤️

-Mod Lia

[justsmilestuffhappens]

@siriuslyjamie where feet may fall ( and fear surrounds me ) smartbuckley on AO3

This right now though. OMG.

Oh no. Buck doesn't have a kid to say bye to. Or so he and others thinks. We know!

Modeling! Modeling?

You tell him Eddie. You tell him!

He misses hearing you voice at night! Omg!

I miss you too buck fuck!

I've officially left my body

The fake smile buck plasters on is real when it comes to Christopher

I'm deceased y'all

Eddie grounding buck as he's thinking of the Bombing no!

Don't do anything stupid while I'm not watching your back okay?

Eddie I always care Diaz fuck!

They're back from Austin and oh no the parents are coming. Fuck!

Buck's triggered by explosives this is both ironic and deeply sad. No.

Shit he just revealed that he's seeing a therapist on accident

Buck called them but they never answer him any time. Fuck. I'm crying. You deserve better man.

Yeah Buck you've grown so much since you joined the 118 and left home buddy you did good!

I fell asleep I was so tired lol.

The parents are here. They're judging. Ugh. I hate it here.

The parents thinking buck freeloaders off of Chimney because he's comfortable there when he's practically family and now he's gonna be regardless of what they say or do I'm crying

Excuse you Buckley's telling Maddie off for leaving Doug then invalidating buck's trauma when you weren't ever around to see it his he nearly died and lived through an event filled with both pain and death surrounding him

Oh no fuck he just admitted he's in love with Eddie while talking about the Tsunami and Christopher OMG

They just found buck on the side of the road and they reveal he's adopted while arguing with him no that's why they're detached of him

Buck's running, it's his turn now, only he's, he needs time to think, to process, Oh, Maddie knew he was adopted but not that they didn't even want him ouch why

Gdi no buck staring in the mirror and thinking his birth mother didn't want him since he was just left to be found by the Buckley's buddy it may hurt but you are a wonderful guy my man and that's without the Buckleys help you did so much after you left home bud but Maddie loves you okay gdi

No one's ever wanted him everybody always leaves ouch but looks whose here now you've still got the station and the 118 and Eddie and Chris cough because they're both together with the others and an individual group

Punching the mirror no buck oh God he's stress baking Bobby would be startled and proud you've picking up his coping habits man

And Eddie's now just there watching buck at the punching bag looking fine as hell and here for him but not knowing God Chimney didn't tell him yet

Buck's crying in the locker room Eddie's sitting next to him and they never even wanted buck ouch

Eddie's hugging him now fuck I'm soft let this boy find peace it's okay buck Eddie's here for you man

Eddie kissing buck's head I'm dead

You tell him Eddie we're here for you I'm here for you buck hell yeah use your words bud good for you

Buck is trapped in the warehouse and falls into water triggering memories of his past holy shit

Modeling buck's modeling sounds about right totally possible

His arms in a cast fucking hell poor guy can't catch a break but you're alive buck and that's good you can heal and hopefully it's not too bad

What the fuck he's thinking about high school Oh no his parents didn't answer and what he's a teenager in the hospital alone!

Buck sending photos to Maddie of his travels like the post cards tho

Wtf someone tried to murder him or caused an accident and hurt buck because they were jealous of his parents owning company how ironic since they barely care

Oh buck 1.0 starts in South America while bartender huh

Buck's lover is an older man omg

No he was a married man and Buck didn't know he didn't mean to the guy cheated on his wife!

Buck's gonna be a seal now

Oh the old college house with buck's room mates from s1 he's starting his fire academy training

Buck feels guilty for taking up space in the hospital even though he's legit hurt my guy please stop and yes Eddie's here for you he's your best friend and he loves you

Did Eddie lie saying they're married please tell me he did that old trope alive and kicking yes!

Buck wakes and wants to confront his parents one last time before they leave OMG they're still here

Eddie freaked out at the thought of losing buck just the same as Buck did when he was buried

Oh fuck the Buckleys are alone in Chimney's place and Buck's gonna confront them alone with Eddie outside waiting I can't you can do this buddy get your closure man

You deserve so much buck like you deserve to be happy to man

Buck distancing himself by calling them by their first names

Yes buck use what you learned in therapy bro your techniques

He's not your Evan he's Buck! Say it right Phil and Marge !

Buck standing up to them

They put all that responsibility on Maddie who was barely 9 or 10

Buck tried pleasing them but it never worked they don't love him

I Have My Own Family! YES! 118

Buck left his toxic parents for one last time and didn't look back Bye!

Buck doesn't detach from Maddie by calling her his sister, he really loves her with all his heart she isn't like their horrible parents

Maddie kept everything is that really surprising though yes!

All his letters and photos like that postcard from before I'm crying

Everything Buck sent was an escape for Maddie from Doug the dog she wanted to be with he little brother and now they're together here with chimney and everyone

Buck is a Buckley whether they like it or not he's Maddie's brother!

“Look through the photos Buck. Remember who you are, and who you’ve grown to be. I’m so proud of you, alright?” Maddie whispers, kissing his forehead when Buck nods, a small smile on his face before he walks Maddie through the door. - Put this on my tombstone. I'm blown away now.

The good parts and the bad parts of your past all add up to being who you are you experienced it and grew from it your life things changed and so did you for the better you're wonderful buddy

Buck's heart was locked away to protect it but someone hurting him again but they got in and they love him he's theirs and they're his

I'm trying to not cry right now

Buck's got a home to go to you say would it be a place where he's not really a guest at maybe hmm ?

OMG they were dating pre pandemic and Eddie asked him to move in with him with them fuck but Buck couldn't say yes yet he still had stuff to work through

Buck's walls were no match to Eddie and Chris slowly coming in and alerting his world for the better guys I'm losing it here

“I love you, Eddie. I’ve loved you for so damn long and I’m tired of letting fear and insecurities stop me from going further in my life.” - I'm still screaming at this shit fuck

Eddie waited buck's ready now

He's ready to go public and to move in and for what's to come

Buck knows who he is and that he chooses the Diaz boys Yes!

[shijiujun]

[ENG] History3: Make Our Days Count - IF Alternative Ending

“That Day, You are Still Here”

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”

---

Pages: 250-260 (sorry my bad at counting it’s 10 not 15 pages)

Word Count: ~3580 words 

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes! Doing this in a rush so there may be some errors, will read through again when I get back from work!!

Full chapter below the cut

Xiang Hao Ting opens his eyes, and for a moment he does not even know where he is, who he is; his face feels a little cold, just like the feeling of touching water and having a cool breeze blow over it after.  Turning his face to the side, Yu Xi Gu’s sleeping face comes into his line of vision. It’s easier to look at Xi Gu’s face now, which has become fuller since their days in high school. The only things that haven’t changed are his long eyelashes and his white as porcelain skin colour - even though he’s running outside more frequently now, Xi Gu’s skin has not darkened.

His breaths are deep and long, and this is the breathing technique most suitable for being on a mountain. Hao Ting and Xi Gu watched each other’s breathing pattern and rhythm closely before this to practice breathing in this manner. People who did not know what they were doing exactly may have thought they were practicing Lamaze Breathing instead.*

Ah, breathing. Hao Ting slowly remembers that where he and Xi Gu are right now is Paiyun Lodge.

He dreamt of that scene again. His entire body is drenched in cold sweat, and the sleeping bag he is in is now abnormally warm and stuffy because of that. Shifting his gaze towards the outside, he sees that a ray of sunlight has already entered the room. Hao Ting thinks that they still have an hour before they have to get ready for breakfast, and he can use the time to wipe himself dry. 

He does not expect Xi Gu to open his eyes the moment he moves.

“Is it time?” Xi Gu asks and keeps his voice low, because it’s not just the both of them in this room.

There are other hiking friends with them, and loud noises can easily disturb the rest.

“Not yet,” Hao Ting replies, then points at his wet hair.

“So wet…” Xi Gu might as well get up, and with light movements he finds the dried towel sitting on top of the backpack next to their bedrolls so he can help Hao Ting dry his hair.

Under the dim light, he sees that Hao Ting looks both a little sick and upset, and idly asks if Hao Ting had a nightmare. Xi Gu does not expect Hao Ting’s body to shudder hard at that, both his brows furrowed tight.

“You had a bad dream?”

Xi Gu’s heart aches for the man. After all, before they slept the night before, Hao Ting did seem a little unsteady and anxious, so he’s not surprised that Hao Ting had a bad dream.

“I dreamt of… the day you met with the accident, and your entire body was covered in blood…”

The accident happened such a long time ago, but thinking about it still makes Hao Ting afraid, because the details in his dream were exceptionally clear, and the fear and terror he felt from that day is written deep in his bones.

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…**

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”***

Hao Ting embraces Xi Gu so tight, with the strength of someone trying to absorb Xi Gu into his body. Xi Gu is the person whose hand Hao Ting has held in his all this time, and Xi Gu is his prized treasure. Not even talking about losing him, if Xi Gu hurts himself usually by knocking into or hitting things, Hao Ting’s heart will ache for half a day at least.

“We promised that we’ll be together! You’re not allowed to break our promise!”

Suddenly, Hao Ting feels the person in his arms jolt, and the hand on his back is lightly shaking as well. When he realizes what a dumb thing he’s doing right now, it’s too late.

How could he pass his anxiety and fears to Xi Gu? Hao Ting treasures him so much, and usually, if he has any frustrations or things he’s unhappy about, he would keep it inside and swallow it.

“It must be because I wasn’t feeling well yesterday before I slept!” Hao Ting blinks as he speaks, even though his tone is a little more high-pitched than usual.

“Shhhh!” Xi Gu quickly presses his hand over Hao Ting’s mouth, because it wouldn’t do to wake the rest of their hiking party up. “Talk softly. All is good, I’m here, I won’t leave you all aline.”

Hao Ting blinks with his two huge eyes, and with muffled noises of assent, he nods in agreement. However, the fear and anxiety in his eyes do not vanish completely. Just like the fog outside, Hao Ting finds his emotions hard to dissipate in the moment.

~~~~~~

The both of them leave Paiyun Lodge after breakfast with their friends. Today is the second day in their hiking plan, and they plan to head straight for the mountain’s peak before going back to the lodge, retracing their steps. Then, they will leave the mountain tomorrow.

Hao Ting began to hike and climb after attending university, and Xi Gu, on the other hand, has not exercised in a long time and is extremely skinny and weak in physique. Not to mention that car accident which left him resting for a long, long while after, so no matter how much Xi Gu likes being   close to the forests and nature, there are undeniably some physical limitations for him.

However, a long journey begins with a small step, so after much preparation and consideration, they decided to choose a three day and two night hiking schedule that is low on difficulty as their first step to conquering more mountains in the future.

On the way up to the mountain’s peak, their legs are steady as they climb because the backpacks they chose are able to efficiently hold the weight of all the items they need without putting the stress of the weight on their legs. At first, Xi Gu said that they should pick the cheapest bag, the cheaper the better, but Hao Ting refused. He’d done his homework, and the backpack and hiking shoes are the most important items to spend money on.

“You have to carry the backpack the whole day, and shoes carry your entire weight!”

With this, Xi Gu gave into Hao Ting, but Hao Ting also knew that Xi Gu doesn’t have much savings he can tap into for this, so he secretly paid for the items for Xi Gu. When he was exposed for it, he still dared to laugh and grin, and directly said that this was the duty of a husband! Xi Gu didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that.

The both of them are the least experienced among the group, so they are placed at the very back of the group with the more experienced leader keeping up the pace behind them. This is so that if anyone leaves the team or feels uncomfortable at any time, he can react quickly and lend them a hand.

Along the way, everyone’s pace is not fast. After all, this is not the kind of two day and one night hike which requires them to hurry down the mountain, and so there is the occasional chatter and laughter among them. However, Hao Ting is a little more quiet, and only when Xi Gu turns around to look at him does Hao Ting smile.

He is still thinking about the dream from yesterday. He knows what the cause of this dream is, and while the scene at that particular road where the accident occured didn’t leave him with any regrets, his memories of that day are clear, and it has permanently left a shadow of fear in his heart.

“Are you still okay?” asks the leader in concern when he sees Hao Ting starting to stray away from the main group.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, I’m good, I’m just thinking about some things…” Hao Ting replies.

“You have to stay focused, if you lose your footing and injure yourself you’ll have to go back to the lodge and rest.”

The leader pats at his shoulder and brings him back, closer on the inside.

There are two routes in total to Yu Shan main peak - Dong Bu’s ‘Ba Tong Guan’ route which is more difficult, where even experienced climbers usually stay off this path, and instead they use the route on the West, the ‘Tataka’ route. It has a complete, properly marked out route and the necessary facilities and is beginner-friendly. All they have to do at this time is to hold onto the route’s chains and watch their own footsteps, and they will be able to see the gorgeous view of the mountains as they make their climb upwards. The fog is gradually vanishing as the sun inches upwards, and the air is especially fresh.

Hao Ting quietly hastens his footsteps to follow Xi Gu. Seeing that his forehead is filled with sweat, Hao Ting takes off the towel at his waist and helps him to wipe that away.

“Thank you,” Xi Gu remembers the breathing technique and is making his way upwards steadily one step after the other, but he did not miss the conversation between the leader and Hao Ting earlier, so in between his breaths he manages, “You’re still thinking about that dream?”

“Hnn? No! I was just thinking, when we finally hit the peak, how beautiful that view will be!” he lies quickly.

“The scenery will be beautiful and it’ll make you forget that dream,” Xi Gu smiles.

He is no longer that adolescent, innocent young man anymore, and it’s not as if he’s been with Hao Ting for only a day or two, so Xi Gu is familiar with all of Hao Ting’s moods. He knows that at this point, he cannot argue with Hao Ting. Following Hao Ting’s lead and what he says is the right way to understand him. Furthermore, just arguing with him on whether Hao Ting is concerned about that or not has no meaning.

Xi Gu returns the towel to him and continues the climb, and this time he doesn’t forget to hold onto Hao Ting for a few steps before releasing him. Holding hands while climbing is considered a pretty dangerous thing, but the warmth from Xi Gu’s hold lingers in Hao Ting’s palm, and successfully pushes the fear and anxiety to the back of Hao Ting’s mind. It will not disappear entirely, but he can exist together with it instead.

~~~~~

The moment they reach the peak, Hao Ting is blown away by the view before his eyes.

It is a whole stretch of blue and there is not a single cloud in the sky. Forests are abound at a glance and under the glorious rays of the sun, it seems as if a layer of gold dust was scattered across the forest. The sight is blinding. Yet, even with the sun, they do not feel hot and just wipe at their sweat with towels, unafraid of catching a cold with the breeze.

The leader gets everyone to put their bags in a particular area, and if they want to take photos they can use this time to do it. If they’re hungry, they should eat some bread and chocolate right now. When the time is up, everyone will line up again and make their descent to Paiyun Lodge.

After everyone takes moment to catch their breath, they begin to head towards the peak’s sign to take a photo momento, and the older members of the group say they want to take more photos to boast of their climb to their friends, so the atmosphere is particularly warm.

Hao Ting does not join them in their fun, and instead brings Xi Gu slowly to the side, a distance away from everyone else. He really wants to take photos too, but more than that he wants to be glued to Xi Gu. After all, the only reason why he found an interest in the mountains and skies is because Xi Gu likes it.

“It’s a bit of a pity that we can’t come up here at night,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Xi Gu, surprisingly, is not concerned about that much.

After all, this is not their final goal, but their beginning.

“When we go back to the lodge, we can tell them, that we’ve made the first step and we are getting closer and closer to them!”

Their goal then was to climb the Himalayas, to stand at the point that is closest to the stars to tell Xi Gu’s parents that everything is good with him.

“Hnn! They’ll definitely be very happy.”

“You think so?” Xi Gu’s smile is exceptionally sweet, and with a brief peek to the people gathered at the sign taking photos, chatting and admiring the view, and making sure that no one is looking at them, Xi Gu then dares to give Hao Ting’s cheek a kiss, “Thank you.”

“Instead of saying thank you, you might as well kiss me a few more times!” Hao Ting teases him, raising his eyebrow,.

“We’re outside right now!”

Xi Gu definitely will not kiss him right here. The both of them exchange glances and laugh, and while there are no kisses, Xi Gu replaces that by secretly digging his finger into Hao Ting’s palm. A silent promise is more beautiful than any declarations at this point.

So immersed the both of them are in their world that it is only when the leader announces their descent that Hao Ting and Xi Gu rush to the sign and ask a few of their group members to take a few photos for them. The older members of the team, seeing them like this, start to laugh loudly and say that these two children are just too adorable.

~~~~~

In the evening, the members of team do not sleep early as they are still sharing their excitement about reaching Yu Shan’s peak, and they even plan to continue on some other climbs together. Laughter echoes through the room, and influenced by the merry atmosphere, he too laughs.

“Happy?” Hao Ting asks, his hands holding onto a hot cup of cocoa.

“I’m really happy! I can be together with you, and I can come and see dad and mom, so I’m really happy!” Xi Gu beams, his smile so radiant. “Oh right, are you still feeling not so well? Is there a buzzing in your ear, dizziness or do you feel like throwing up?”

“Nope!”

Hao Ting knows that Xi Gu wants to ask about his dream and not his physical well-being right now, but strangely enough, since hitting peak and returning to the lodge until now, he has not thought about the dream again. Instead, his mind is set on which other climbs they can do next. While Yang Ming Shan isn’t actually difficult, but the both of them can go to the onsen with that trip, which is quite attractive.

“That’s good. If you’ve got nothing to do don’t dream of those things. You and I are going to live until we are a hundred, and we’re also going to climb all the mountains in Taiwan, then set our sights on those overseas, and conquer the world’s highest peak.”

Their ambitions sound entirely not realistic, but they are also faced with a future teeming with possibilities and opportunities, so they do not worry about whether it is realistic or not. They only fear not making the first step, and now that they have reached Yu Shan’s peak, then that is their first step.

Hao Ting laughs awkwardly, and says, “I won’t dream of it anymore.”

He lifts his head up to look at a sky full of stars, and even if they cannot see the Rosette Nebula, the entire star system is connected.

“Papa Yu, Mama Yu, I know you can hear me,” Hao Ting reaches for Xi Gu’s shoulder and brings him into his embrace, and with his other hand he secretly takes out a small box from his pocket.

He has prepared for this moment for a very long time, and he knows that giving it to him here is most meaningful.

Xi Gu lifts his face up to look at him, and does not realise that his middle finger is being held by Hao Ting.

“We worked very hard today, and we managed to climb up Yu Shan. Sadly, we were unable to do the climb at night, otherwise I’ll be able to tell you guys directly.”

The man in his arms uses the back of his head to lightly knock against Hao Ting’s chest, the moment especially sweet.

“In the future we will also continue to climb other mountains, and we will definitely climb up the Himalayas, and at the point where we are closest to the stars, I will ask you both to entrust your son to me. Before that, I have to ask the both of you to be a little more patient. I promise, I will treasure your son and be very good to him.”

“What are you saying, so serious…” Xi Gu laughs at him.

“Xi Gu.”

At the call of his name, a solid, round object is secured at the bottom of his middle finger. When Xi Gu finally reacts and raises his hand, he sees that it is a silver ring. No other embellishment or decoration, only a single diamond set in the middle of the band. It is sparkling, and more blinding than any of the stars in the sky at the moment.

“This ring, is an engagement ring,” and Hao Ting seriously places another ring into his palm, “Inside I engraved both our names, and I feel that on a special day like today, we need to commemorate it properly.”

He stresses that this ring isn’t very expensive, and is perfect to symbolize the start of their journey together, because he is also afraid that Xi Gu would be troubled that Hao Ting spent too much money on this.

“When we finally climb the Himalayas, then it’ll become a wedding ring. When that time comes, you’re not allowed to say no, and you can only say ‘I do’.”

“Xiang Hao Ting…” Xi Gu is surprised to the point of speechlessness, and he is clutching onto the ring so tight that it is leaving a mark behind.

He doesn’t know whether to scold Hao Ting for spending money like this, or should he say that Hao Ting is truly too meticulous, that he would prepare such a surprise, shocking him to the point of tears.

“Who does it like this!” Xi Gu ends up scolding, his voice a little hoarse.

“I do!” Hao Ting says with no shame.

After, he urges Xi Gu to help him put on his ring, and warmed up from the heat of the hot chocolate, can clearly feel the engraved words on the inside of the ring against their skin.

As he softly calls ‘Xi Gu’, Hao Ting kisses along Xi Gu’s face until he reaches his lips. The scent of the sweet and thick hot cocoa becomes stronger, along with their quickening breaths with every kiss. In the end, it is Xi Gu who remembers that they are still outside and situated in the midst of a mountain, so they should both avoid doing anything that would cause their breathing rhythms to falter. Only then do they return from the edge of losing control from their hot kisses.

“When it’s time for the wedding ring, it’ll be my turn,” Xi Gu says in satisfaction.

He hides himself in Hao Ting’s embrace, and uses his coat to cover his own body, leaving only his head outside, looking just like a little animal afraid of the cold.

“Sure, we can choose the style we want together. Sun Bo recommended a store to me, and I picked these there…”

The both of them continue to chat, and the stars before them sparkle, as if giving their blessings to Hao Ting and Xi Gu who have decided to walk down the rest of their lives together, hand in hand.

*******

Notes:

*Lamaze Breathing - The breathing technique that women in labour use XD

**Stebeee’s note - Once again, I kind of hate you show writers, because to watch it in ep 20 was one thing and then having to read about this deep-seated fear of Hao Ting through the years as he deals with this? Wow. Thanks but no thanks.

***Stebeee’s note again - We worry, Xi Gu, because we saw it happen *sobs loudly in a corner*

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee. 

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants. 

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself. 

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow. 

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy. 

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.” 

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it. 

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me. 

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body. 

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped. 

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons. 

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds. 

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically. 

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks. 

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy. 

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work. 

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year. 

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right. 

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor. 

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone. 

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted. 

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think. 

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains. 

This months Goals start today! 

GOAL 1 -  Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December. 

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself. 

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now! 

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

[missytearex]

It’s been a really weird month, but I read some great fics! Go check these out and remember to leave kudos/comments if you do. Under 10k fic are under the cut.

💎 adjudication by @bottomlinsons --- [fic post]

larry | 75k | mature

Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years.

But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

💎 The Second Hand Unwinds by @kingsofeverything​ --- [fic post]

larry | 51k | explicit

Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep.

💎 future full of yesterdays by fliptomybside

narry | 44k | mature

Niall studies astrophysics, Harry studies Niall.

💎 The Space Between by @lads-laddylads --- [fic post]

larry | 39k | explicit

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

💎 Every Lonely Place by @ham-palpert --- [fic post]

larry | 38k | explicit

Facing the fact that he’s been prioritizing his career over his relationship, Harry proposes to his longtime boyfriend Louis on a whim. But when yet another work emergency takes precedence over their plans, Louis decides he’s had enough. Harry goes to bed drunk and alone, and when he wakes, he finds himself in an entirely different world. Over and over again, Harry visits a lifetime he’s once lived, across time and dimensions. And wherever there’s a Harry Styles, there’s a Louis Tomlinson.

💎 with no way out and a long way down by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed --- [fic post]

larry | 31k | teen and up

Prince Harry is ten when he receives his soulmark.

💎 I Want To Be With You Everywhere by @haztobegood --- [fic post]

larry | 30k | explicit

A Seed from the Cherished Tree A Cloud from the Mighty Summit A Flower from the Perpetual Volcano A Pearl from the Perceptive Lake A Love across the Faery Realms

Fae Proposals were a rare and ancient ritual. The presentation of the four Tokens to one’s mate would initiate a lifelong, inter-realm bond between their souls. But the Tokens could only be gathered if the lover could overcome the elements of all four Faery Realm Trials.

The Trials were dangerous, deadly even. But for Harry, Louis would risk it all.

💎 And Then, You by @all-these-larrythings --- [fic post]

larry | 26k | mature

The last place Harry wants to spend part of her summer is in the middle of nowhere prepping for some stupid, age-old tradition she never asked to be part of. Debutante balls are so ridiculous that Harry would give anything to get out of hers. That is, until she meets Louis, and suddenly, she's wishing to never leave.

💎 Only You by @bitter-leaf --- [fic post]

larry, shiall, ziam | 19k | teen and up

Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's the future. Tonight's the party.

School's out and Harry was one last chance to tell Louis how he feels.

💎 if my heart was a compass, you'd be north by @wallstagram --- [fic post]

larry | 11k | mature

Louis is a famous travel vlogger, and Harry is a famous vlogging food critic. They travel the world with their best friends and fall more in love with every continent they step foot on. When Louis' love declaration threatens Harry's dreams of giving Louis the perfect proposal, craziness ensues.

filling the prompt: harry uses videos or pictures from each country they go to to propose to louis

💎 And if you want me too by goseaward

stylinshaw | 8k | explicit

When Louis had asked if he could stay, Harry hadn't mentioned Nick would be here. By the time he did say something, Louis felt like it would be admitting defeat to stay away. He can make nice with Harry's boyfriend. All the rest of it is just--water under the bridge.

💎 5+x=7, solve for x by @paperandkink --- [fic post]

ot5 | 7k | mature

Dads. They’re going to be dads. Niall is going to be a dad.

Oh god, he thinks. I’m absolutely going to fuck this up.

💎 Your secret's safe with me by @lightwoodsmagic --- [fic post]

larry | 7k | mature

when Louis' favourite singer comes back and announces he's performing again, him and the rest of his group chat decide to go. When Haz, the man Louis' fallen in love with without meeting him, says that he can't, Louis tries his best to convince him with a drunken phone call, hearing his voice for the first time. It's not until he's at Royal Variety that he swears he can hear it again.

💎 I Try To Picture Me Without You But I Can't by @estrella30 --- [fic post]

ot5 | 6k | teen and up

They stand together, the five of them curled into each other in a way that Liam’s not sure whose hand he’s holding, or whose breath he can feel on his cheek. He tips his head down and kisses Harry’s hair, leans into Zayn’s lips when he feels them on the back of his neck and grins when Niall rocks up on his toes to kiss Louis square on the mouth.

OR - how the OT5 became the OT5 from finish to start

💎 touching me, touching you by @disgruntledkittenface --- [fic post]

larry | 6k | explicit

“It’s nice to meet you, Harry,” Louis says, lightly bumping his shoulder against Harry’s. “I’d offer to shake your hand, but I don’t know where it’s been, do I?”

A loud squawk of laughter, almost a honk, escapes Harry, and he claps a hand over his mouth. He chances a glance at Louis, who looks more delighted than judgmental, his curved brows raised and a wide smile on his face. And his offer is tempting even though the news recommends social distancing right now. Harry’s been going through a bit of a dry spell, and he’s getting tired of his own hand. Even though they’ve just met, he’s got a good feeling about Louis. He can’t explain it, he just likes this guy.

But does he like him enough to risk catching coronavirus?

💎 a heavy leaf to turn by @niallspringsteen --- [fic post]

narry | 5k | general audiences

it only takes them ten years to get it right.

💎 Roaming The Greenwood by @writsgrimmyblog --- [fic post]

gryles | 5k | mature

Nick’s plans for a quiet night in the country take an unexpected turn when he meets hotel gardener and topiary enthusiast, Harry Styles.

💎 Fuck It, I Love You by @illbefineline --- [fic post]

zarry | 5k | teen and up

Meeting his boyfriend's parents turns out a bit differently than Harry expected. He had no idea prior to the evening that they live in a manor house, among other things. And just like that, Harry feels like his life has turned into a shitty The Prince & Me sequel.

💎 I'm Falling Again by @jaerie --- [fic post]

larry | 3k | mature

Harry sat on the edge of the bed, looked down at the screen of his phone and pressed call once again. The bright smiling faces of Louis’ contact photo stared up at him, his own cheek pressed up against Louis’, the tips of their noses burned a rosy red from the hot Jamaican sun. Just like the last three times, his call went straight to voicemail, driving home the fact of just how badly he’d fucked up.

💎 Relaxation Techniques by @star55 --- [fic post]

lirry | 2k | general audiences

Liam likes to box to relax when her life as a budding pop-star gets to be too much.

💎 Swerve the Handshake by @lululawrence --- [fic post]

tomlinshaw | 2k | not rated

There's a pandemic afoot and social distancing is being recommended for everyone, but what is to be done to still greet people with respect whilst avoiding the handshake?

Scott and Chris have ideas, and Grimmy becomes attached to a particular suggestion.

💎 social distance psychic by @jaerie

larry | 2k | not rated

Louis is a psychic who has taken his little shop virtual, most of his appointments now done by phone. He's been very busy, so many people calling in with fears about the unknown, about themselves, about loved ones. He likes that at least he's able to ease people's fears, calm people down, give them hope for their future. It's the one thing he feels like he can do in such uncertain and stressful times. That is until one teary appointment has Louis struggling to deliver the bad news. At least the question isn't related to the virus and maybe he can end the call with some sense of hope anyway.

💎 Lost and Found by Laziam

ziam | 1k | general audiences

A day at the office turns out more interesting than Liam could have imagined.

[goldengypsy7]

Late Nights and Cold Coffee

No intended copyright on the image (just found on Google Images)

Just a fluffy one-shot with Jubal working extra late on a case and his girlfriend trying to stay up until he gets home. Dash of angst-Jubal for good measure.

As another ad for the "innovation in home cooking" appears on the TV, I glance at my phone again for the fifth time in the last hour. 10:04 blinks at me and the No New Notifications words mock me. The light from the TV seems brighter than it did a minute ago and I squeeze my eyes shut for a minute against the glare and the urge to keep them closed tugs at me. Opening them again to glare at the very happy women on screen who was apparently loving the cooking device that would "change my life forever". Snorting at her fakeness, I go in search of the sure thing that would keep me awake - caffeine.

 I lean against the counter watching the kettle boil. I could just go to bed, the little voice in my head reasoned. There was really no need to stay up and wait for him to get home. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep - the bed would be too big without him hogging three quarters of it, too cold without his arms curled around me and far too quiet without his heartbeat in my ear. Even as I nod to myself that that was definitely the reason, I was staying up the smaller voice in my head whispered that he might not come home at all, that the idea of going to sleep and waking up to him not being here was just too horrible to contemplate. Squashing that voice hard, I shake my head and pour the hot water over the coffee granules, reminding myself that he was good at his job.  

Hugging the steaming mug to my chest, I wander back into the living room, dropping my phone back onto the coffee table, I settle backwards against the corner of the sofa, feet curled underneath me, as the cop show I had been watching restarts again. The case is solved, the murderer is in custody and the credits role on the TV a short while later and just as I go to turn the TV off, the next episode starts. Glancing again at my phone and the lack of messages, I sigh and settle back to watch the next one and somehow the episode after that too. By the first ad break of my fourth episode however, my memory kicks in and I remember this episode – it was the uncle who was the killer I nod to myself. Untucking my legs to lean forward and grab the remote off of the table, and as the TV screen goes black, I hiss in pain. My legs protest at the movement off of the couch and as I stand up the loud crack from my back shows my body’s hatred of being curled up in one position for so long. Rolling my shoulders, I stretch my legs out in front of me on the sofa hoping to ease the aching in the joints and just watch the sky go from dark blue to black outside of the window. With that transition, bright lights fill the outlines of the buildings across the street illuminating the view out of the window.  I turn my attention to the road below and my eyes start to grow heavy as I watch the stream of car lights flickering along the streets outside, winding their way downtown. The swoosh of cars and the occasional horn of a taxi are the only sounds that fill the apartment for a while, lulling me.

 I muffle a yawn and, grabbing my coffee off of the table, I swig the stone-cold liquid.  I wince at the rancid taste of cold coffee and dumping the cup back on the table again, I pick up my book to try and distract myself from the sleep that was invading my mind.  It takes another hour for me to get the realisation that the words just aren't going in. I have no idea how the heroine has suddenly got from Chicago to Moscow and I conclude that I should probably re-read the last chapter and a half to find out and stop kidding myself that I am paying attention. With a sigh I dump the book downwards onto my chest and rub my hands across my eyes. As I open them again, I cushion my head on my left arm against the side of the sofa and watch through half-closed eyes as one by one the lights in the buildings opposite start to turn off until the buildings are plunged into black shapes in the night. I turn my attention to the red light on the skyline watching it blink on and off, on and off. I try to force my eyes back open but the red light has a hypnotic effect and sleep claims its most unwilling victim.

 Unsurprisingly at 2am, the subway car is empty. In fact, except for a few teenagers scantily dressed in car one and what looks to be maintenance workers in fluorescent jackets in car two, Jubal is alone on the train. Co-ordinating three different and very unhelpful agencies, 25 FBI agents and 2 teams out in the field through a bomb threat on downtown New York is his job and a job he enjoyed very even if it had taken the better part of 18 hours to finish – but hey just another day at the office. The late-night subway train journeys home had become a staple part of his job over the years. The click click of the car going over the tracks is soothing, the station announcements were familiar and the silence of the car settled his brain down more than any other stress-relief techniques he had tried over the years. He no longer needed to listen for the announcement of his station, getting off instinctively on his stop. At the top of the steps up to the street, he paused to pull his coat further around him as icy wind flicked at the ends of his scarf.

 The walk home is short and untroubling. New York it seems is the city that was asleep tonight – no taxi horns or sirens break the night air, the hum of cars on the streets are quiet, even his breath silent puffs of fog on the air. He pulls off his gloves and stuffs them in his pockets as he takes the stairs in his building two at a time. His front door looms into view in front of him and suddenly the thought makes him pause. So unused to having someone to come home to after the divorce, without the art of not waking the kids or in later years Sam, he was out of practice at sneaking into his apartment in the dawn hours.

 Jubal eases the front door open wincing at the squeak of the hinges. He pauses for a minute when the click of the lock echoes around the hallway loudly, listening for any kind of movement in the apartment. Nothing stirs and his coat and scarf shrugged off and hung on the back of the door. He toes off his shoes, leaving them where they are in the hallway, as he tiptoes down the hallway to the bedroom door. Pushing the door open he is confronted with an empty bed - the pillows are still plump; sheets are flat and unrumpled. He moves further forward, blinking like she will appear in the bed when he opens his eyes again – a trick of sleep deprivation. The bedroom is empty, in fact there is no sign she has been in here at all. The apartment is quiet, too quiet and fear grips his stomach. Irrationality overtakes his brain and he moves further forwards into the room quickly, yanking open the wardrobe to find… their clothes - her dresses and jeans intertwined with his shirts and trousers. He blows a breath out; he mentally berates himself at his insecurity as he shuts the wardrobe door and goes out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living room are both clouded in darkness, confusion furrows his brow as he moves forward into the living room and that’s when he sees it – a coffee cup on the table.

 Rounding the sofa, he sees her.  She’s laying on the sofa, a book open on her chest and her chest rising and falling gently. Her head is on her arm, her neck at a funny angle that’s gonna hurt like hell tomorrow – well he supposes later today now when she wakes. Her face is calm, strands of hair fall around her face and as he watches she murmurs in her sleep, shifting on the sofa. He moves forward then, crouching down in front of the couch and smooths a hand across her cheek. Her eyes flicker open at the contact and connect with his. Jubal braces - for the glare, for the hissed barbed words. After all its 2:30am, Sam would have been livid with him for being this late, no matter what the emergency at work had been. There would have been unbearable heavy tension as she ignored him and then, when the kids had gone to school or day-care, there would have been the screaming argument that he would never be able to win – the argument that his family should be more important. Yet his answer never seemed to satisfy – his job wasn’t 9-5, he couldn’t just turn his computer off at 5pm and have done.

 He waited, but there is just silence, she blinks at him, unseeing for a minute or so and then her eyes focus on his face properly. Again, he tenses and holds his breath… in vain. A smile lights up her face, warmth shines out of her eyes and her hand comes up to cup his cheek. He lets out a breath and presses a kiss on her forehead as he helps her sit upright, putting the book on the table,

 “Why aren’t you in bed?”

 His voice is loud in the apartment, raspy from all the shouting around the JOC that he had done that day. She moves, poking his arm until he moves it upwards and he smiles as she shuffles into his side,

 “I was waiting for you.”

 Her sentence ended in a big yawn as she laid her head on his shoulder. His arm settled on her side, pulling her against him gently, feeling her warmth seeping through his shirt.

 “You didn’t have to”

 He counters quickly – not wanting her to feel like she had to stay up for him. After all, this was one night of many that were going to be late and she also had to work in the morning.

 “I know. I couldn’t sleep without you”

 Her voice had gone quieter, almost to a whisper and she ducks her head at the last sentence hiding her face in his side. Warmth spreads through his chest at her confession and he moves her head upwards out of hiding to press a soft chaste kiss on her lips. He feels her squirm slightly next to him as his beard scratches at her skin. He pulls back to look at her. Her eyes are already sliding back closed again and she is leaning a lot of her weight against his body. Shaking her shoulder slightly he says,

 “Come on – lets go to bed huh”

 “Well Mr Valentine, I’m not that kind of girl!”

 She teases gently, laughing at him as she stands, grabbing her phone off of the table.  Jubal wraps an arm around her shoulders as they head for the bedroom and blissful bed.