#fear of disappointing others

[mins0o]

Half-ass Paper Review #006 - [Perfectionism]

Neumeister, Kristie L. Speirs. "Factors influencing the development of perfectionism in gifted college students." Gifted child quarterly 48.4 (2004): 259-274.

Through my journey of counseling, I've noticed my life and value were heavily influenced by my perfectionistic tendency. This paper has a collection of reflections/summaries of previous studies, as well as inspiring contribution. It is a good read if you are looking for a comprehensive summary of the study of perfectionism.

Keywords

I think it is better to explain some keywords before summarizing the paper.

Perfectionist types

-Socially prescribed perfectionism Perfectionists who care about others' expectations on them too much.

-Self-oriented perfectionism Perfectionists who have to achieve until they are satisfied.

-Other-oriented perfectionism Perfectionists that demand others to perform to the perfectionists' desires.

Parenting Types

-Authoritarian parenting Authoritarian parents punish undesirable behaviors and has little room for negotiation. This style emphasizes rules and obedience.

-Authoritative parenting Authoritative parents also push goals and enforce rules, but use nonpunitive measures for correction. They try to communicate with the children and try to incorporate children's opinions. They are more warm and supportive.

Perfectionist intensity

-Neurotic perfectionist Neurotic perfectionists criticize themselves too much until they never feel comfortable until they have performed until satisfactory. They are constantly dissatisfied with their achievements.

-Normal perfectionist (on the contrary of the neurotic type) Normal perfectionists also pursue high standards, but can settle with sub-optimal achievements if that makes more sense.

My thoughts

This was a surprisingly informative and comprehensive read. The interviews helped me reflect on how I was raised and helped me find link to some of my anxiety issues with some episodes of my childhood. Before the read, I had a weak understanding of perfectionism and couldn't link my anxiety of "not improving" or "playing games". I avoided expressing myself as a perfectionist because I felt I was telling them that I am "perfect". Now that I understand better what perfectionism is and how it came to me, I am more comfortable to face my perfectionism, sometimes even accepting the "imperfection" peacefully, although the peace doesn't last long.

In terms of categorizing myself into the types, I think I am decent amount of each. My mom was mostly authoritarian, but in some aspects I could feel that she cared about us. But most of the time, she was stringent on her demands. Now I am scared of disappointing others. A lot of daily stuffs and project/team based expectations on me, but also life size ones too. When I was younger, my mom would scold me for not being interested in studying, although I was almost always top 2 in class. Then my aunts will tell my mom, while I could hear, "Let him be, I believe that he will become great later". And that expectation still haunts me. Some might say KAIST and Samsung Electronics are achievements worth settling. But I don't find anything "great" about them alone. I feel like I have to one-up my game, all the time. And I think that is a mix of both types. The journey started with external expectation, but the update of the expectation is estimated by self standards.

Participants

Among 290 gifted, research selected perfectionists strong in a single type. That is, perfectionists who scored similarly as a socially prescribed and self-oriented was not included in the study. Among 22 socially prescribed- and 42 self-oriented- -only perfectionists, 5 and 6 of them were chosen for in-depth interview.

Findings

These are the commonality they share within each types(the other-oriented were excluded).

Both

-Parental perfectionsim

-Early academic success

Socially prescribed perfectionists

-Authoritarian parenting

-Perceived stringent expectations from others

-Fear of disappointing others

-Self-worth tied to achievements

Self-oriented perfectionists

-Authoritative parenting

-High self-standards

One thing note worthy is although "early academic success" influenced both types significantly, it seemed to have affected differently between the two. Socially prescribed perfectionists felt that their success has made the others expect more from them, and self-oriented perfectionists' success has made them adverse to getting less than their current status. The paper provides parts of the interview which I find quite inspiring and interesting. As a perfectionist who also had a authoritarian/authoritative parent (my mother was a mixture of both), a lot of the interviewees descriptions were easy to sympathize with.

Implications

Gifted children can be exposed to more challenging tasks for more diverse experience in terms of success and failure.

+ they can be introduced to how to handle failure. This will help them have a healthier relationship with their achievements.

Neurotic perfectionists are more likely to have authoritarian parent(s).

Parents may need to be guided how their authoritarian behavior will affect their kids' mental well being, and how authoritative parenting can lead to rather healthier mindset.

[fastlane-freedom]

Learning to Say No: A Path to Empowerment and Well-being

In the busy world we live in, learning to say “no” is an important skill that can greatly improve our lives. It might seem like a small word, but it holds a lot of power. Saying no is not just about refusing things; it’s about setting boundaries and taking care of ourselves. In this blog, we will explore why saying no is crucial, the challenges people face when they try to say it, and practical…

[freefromchurch]

When Good People Feel Guilty

Perhaps the most heartbreaking stories a person hears is when someone’ s love, giving, or service is misused, taken for granted, or met with disdain or even worse.  The command to love our enemies sits along with the commands to love God, ourselves and our neighbors.  As with most generalizations, figuring out what that looks like when applied can be murky.  What do we want for others?  The…

[moranjpg]

frankenstein - or, the modern prometheus, mary shelley

[currymanganese]

If we ever get Sydcarmy endgame I want to see them crack jokes with each other more, especially during a sex scene if we ever get one, and to see them make each other giggle and fall to pieces and shit. I want them to start sitting next to each other at family, holding hands after the meal or patting/rubbing each other's knees below the table. I want them to throw an arm over each other's shoulders as they brainstorm menu ideas. I want, before they get together, and after they've signed documents to give Sydney an official stake in the restaurant and she shakes the Berzattos' hands, I want Carmy's handshake with her to linger on a little too long and leave him awkward and red as a beet. I want Natalie, Richie, Tina, Ebra, Marcus, Sweeps, Manny, the new staff, Uncle Jimmy, Donna, Sydney's Dad, POTUS, the Vatican, Oprah, and the internet to clock the soft and loving looks that they furtively shoot each other. I want them to have full blown arguments where they don't hold anything back and see them compromise and kiss and make up. I want them to meet each other's families. I want-

*GUNSHOT SOUNDS- CAR SPEEDING OFF*

[sanjarka]

i'm gonna start being mean. if you have enough understanding for katniss's depression then how are you calling katniss's mom selfish for her response to her husband's death. you do understand what catatonic depression is right? you understand that she didn't purposely abandon her children?

[tragedy-for-sale]

Finished Reading Padawan

These are just some little facts/snippets throughout the book I really liked, really along the lines of temple life.

Spoilers for Padawan below!

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Obi-Wan tugs on his padawan braid when he is anxious

Bolla Ropal (the Jedi that was killed guarding the holocron in TCW) was Obi-Wan's childhood frienemy. The two played pranks on each other.

Obi-Wan paces outside Qui-Gon's chamber doors as he's trying to figure out what to say what he needs to.

Obi-Wan feels most at peace, most calm, when he is practicing lightsaber forms and says he could do it all day and never bore of it.

Jedi specialize in certain fields, such as communication with animals, and if such a conflict arises based in that Jedi's field, they are sent to help

Jedi who are ready to take have a padawan meditate and the force guides them to who they're meant to train, leading to shared interests.

The temple has several dining halls. There is a padawan meal hall and therefore one for the other ranks. They offer such a variety of food Obi-Wan said one could always find something new to try. And I could've made this up but I'm also pretty sure they said the dining hall for padawans was almost always open, so one was always be able to get a meal.

Some Jedi Masters put a table and chairs in their rooms so they can share a meal with their padawan in their personal space

Qui-Gon doesn't even have an extra chair in his room.

Ships can be requested/reserved down in the hangar. A padawan is allowed to do this without approval from their master (Obi-Wan is told by Qui-Gon to do do but is not directly confronted when he does it alone).

Talking and communicating with animals is actually one of the harder skills to learn and master as a Jedi, so many opt not to. Meaning Ezra's ability to communicate with animals as well as he does is not something all Jedi could do, especially for his age

Nautolans, can live outside of water (we do know this) but since they are an aquatic species, there is a constant strain on their gills and results in them being in pain if out of water for too long.

Obi-Wan thinks Kit Fisto is really strong, he notes Fisto does not seem to be affected by this.

Obi-Wan notes some of his padawan friends have dabbled in physical relationships. But he sees it has an obstacle not as a temptation, feeling that, kissing for example, was a betrayal of himself and the Jedi. He wonders if he'd ever get to a point where it does not feel like that.

┉┉┉◤▲◥┉┉┉

Honestly this book was a really cute read and the planet it takes place on was very captivating. I really liked how Kirsten White writes Qui-Gon too and her references that any prequel fan would love catching.

[twist-shout-and-shells]

They're gonna do the Inquisitor as dirty in Veilguard as they did Hawke in Inquisition, huh?

[lulu2992]

So Greg Bryk regularly goes live on Instagram to chat with his followers and answer a few questions, and almost every time, someone asks if he’d like to play Joseph Seed again if he had the chance, to which he used to always reply that, yes, he absolutely would. However, in early 2022, he didn’t seem so sure anymore and said it would depend on the script (the question was specifically about a potential Far Cry 5 movie) and the writer(s). Then, a few months later, he implied he didn’t feel like playing the Father ever again because he thought the character’s story was “finished” and that Ubisoft should focus on creating new things instead…

Well, on October 14, 2023, he once again went live on Instagram and, when people mentioned Far Cry 5 in the chat, he revealed that he had reached out to Dan Hay and Drew Holmes, two of the game’s three main writers he’s become friends with, and that they had visited him “on set” (I’m not sure what he was shooting) the day before. In the past, he had already explained several times that he had loved working with them and thought the story they wrote (along with “JS”, Jean-Sébastien Décant, the game’s third main writer) was fantastic. This time, he added that Far Cry 5 was really “special” to him because the writers “cared a lot” about creating something great with amazing characters, and that he thought the whole Seed family was really well-written.

A few minutes later, when he was asked which character he would like to play again if he could, he said it was hard for him to choose because he loves them all, but he eventually picked Jeremy Danvers (Bitten) and Cobbs Pond (Frontier).

Then, surprisingly, he also mentioned Joseph.

I don’t know why he changed his mind again or if the fact he contacted Dan Hay (who doesn’t work for Ubisoft anymore) and Drew Holmes (who recently became the new IP Director for Far Cry) means anything, and I’m not sure I want more Far Cry 5 content to be released anyway (for continuity reasons), but I guess the Seed family’s return, as equally exciting and truly terrifying as this eventuality sounds to me, isn’t completely out of the question anymore in Greg Bryk’s mind!

[a-hollow-forest]

controversial opinion but maybe they aren't a bad friend just because they don't live up to neurotypical standards of friendship and sure maybe they aren't giving you what you have come to Just Expect out of a relationship but you never even considered asking what would make them feel valued in the first place because what makes you feel valued is the 'norm' and the only 'acceptable' way to be friends so why would you even bother to check before just deciding they're a shit person who deserves to be alone

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

At The Feet Of The Sun

book 2 in a slow paced high fantasy duology*

the right hand of the emperor (who is off searching for an heir) struggles with what to do after passing on his responsibilities and also discovering various pieces of information that are mindblowing to him, personally,

after adventure is thrust upon him, he travels to find His Radiancy and they go on some otherworldly adventures while growing closer and figuring out the nature of their friendship

(*there’s extra novellas & i think another book coming? duology adjacent, currently,)

[lunar-years]

i've written some smut that may or may appear in the final chapter and may or may not be terrible and may or may not be deleted in cringey embarrassment as soon as I reread it 😄 try new things tuesday or whatever

[animalsandskyyy]

does anyone else in theory love vulnerability and honest conversations and know that that’s the best way to solve problems and maintain healthy relationships…. but in actuality it legitimately makes you feel ill and shut down because of the *fear of being known and judged*

[n3ongold3n]

Although he has yet to beat me. 😌

[mechieonu]

FROM THE START self-love and acceptance has been one of the major themes of the series and if ANYONE could benefit from that tigress is RIGHT THERE