#fastidious-and-a-mess

[operationslipperypuppet]

riz for character bingo <3

love him

[collabwithmyself]

if it means anything, i really live your ‘serious doodles.’ i really admire and appreciate all the careful thought you put into your characters and things like thematic motifs or visual symbolism in their designs. i think your stories are really engaging and compelling and i love reading/seeing all ur posts and putting together all of The Lore. so. yeah <3

BUH. THANK YOU MAN IT MEANS A LOT

[fromjannah]

🎧🎧🎧 !!! 👀 <3

drunk walk home by mitski, when memories snow by mitski, and working for the knife mitski... I Have Made A Grave Error this is my i have to go to work playlist

[jeannedarcgerard]

blorbo bingo: castiel, of course

MY BESTEST FRIEND

i feel like i want to say he eats out of the garbage also but he doesn’t really eat. he’s a bitch though and i love him so much

[kenobion]

Andrew Garfield on The Jonathan Ross Show

[dykeredhood]

“Boxing Day, yknow, when you put together a box of gifts to give all your servants & domestic staff” always gets met with a blank stare when I bring it up to people in my office

[ourceliumnetwork]

the list of traumas i need to unpack still and my coping mechanisms (or, more frequently, lack-thereof) keeps getting longer and i'm not sure i like that. I think i like less how much i already know they're hangups before they become a problem i have to actively work on, too.

[iamnotlookingidonotseeit]

the urge to organize only comes when one is fantastically harrowingly melodramatically overtired

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

i wish you’d write a threesome with aemond, reader, and someone else of your choosing! 🖤

Here you are, my love, a tidbit for you...

"If he tries to take you, you must not resist."

The statement catches her off guard as she lies next to her husband in his bed, keeping to his unburned side, knowing it will cause him the least discomfort.

When Aegon had first taken to his sickbed, a mess of melted flesh and broken bones, she had wept, not knowing if he would ever be whole again. For six long months she had kept vigil by his bedside, watching anxiously as Maester Orwyle had worked fastidiously to make him well. He slept nine hours out of every ten, and when he was lucid he simply moaned in pain and begged for his next draught of poppy milk.

It is only in recent weeks that he is well enough to rise from his bed with assistance, though he cannot walk far. He can now hold a conversation without gasping for breath, addled by pain. Even his voracity has returned, to a degree. He is under strict instructions to not attempt to lay with his wife, however, it has not prevented him from commanding her to lay beside him on the bed as he brings her to peak on his fingers.

"Who?" She asks softly, brow furrowing in concern, as she softly strokes his forehead. A subtle way to check that his words are not feverish ramblings.

"Aemond," he replies simply. "He covets my crown, at the cost of my life. I expect he will want all that goes with it, my Queen included."

She swallows thickly. She had long suspected foul play had been behind Aemond's sudden rise to the position of Prince Regent, however, it is the first she has heard it spoken aloud. However, in the midst of war she is certain that laying claim to her will be the last thing on his mind.

"I'm sure your brother has more pressing matters to attend to, my love," she reassures him.

"I mean it," he says, voice strained and fraught with emotion. "Give him what he wants. I will gladly share you if it spares your life."

It not two weeks later that she sits straddling Aegon's face, a knee either side of his head on the pillow as he laps greedily at her sticky core, the throbbing sensation making it almost impossible to keep her hips still as she grips the headboard with such force it turns her knuckles white.

She is tentative in how she positions herself, careful in her movements, not wishing to hurt him. If it were up to her, they would not be doing this at all in the first place, however, he had been insistent in his demands.

"If I do not get a taste of your cunt soon, I fear I shall go mad. Have mercy on a cripple."

She had giggled at his brashness and finally relented, and is glad she had. The art of pleasure is something that even more than half a year spent infirm could not make Aegon forget.

The doors to the bed chamber burst open, robbing her of the sweet oblivion she had teetered upon the edge of and making her startle. She gasps as Aemond announces his presence, sweeping into the room as he throws the doors closed behind him.

She desperately tries to scramble away from Aegon, to make herself look presentable, but he holds firm to her thighs, keeping her precisely where she is.

Her skin burns hot with humiliation as Aemond slowly advances towards the bedside, clearly unbothered by the spectacle he has walked in on. He looms over the bed side, looking down at her as she gazes back up, eyes wide and fearful.

"It appears to me," he tells her softly, "that my brother has not made available to me all of the resources necessary for me to rule the Kingdom in his stead."

Her eyes drop to where his fingers now work open the lacings of his trousers, her heart thudding at the sight, mind racing with the possibilities of what he means to do.

"I require the services of the Queen," he continues, "and I expect her to be forthcoming."

Her throat runs dry as he frees himself, the tip of his erection already glistening with arousal.

Aemond reaches out, his fingers sinking into her hair as he cups the back of her head, pulling her forward, the head of him pressing against her lips.

"Is that understood?"

She hesitates, and feels Aegon give her thighs an encouraging squeeze.

"If he tries to take you, you must not resist." The words echo in her mind, and she parts her lips, allowing him to push forward into her mouth.

The taste of him upon her tongue is sharp and unfamiliar, though not unpleasant. And as she feels her husband's tongue begin to lap at her folds once more, while his brother thrusts slowly into her throat, she decides that in war they must all make sacrifices, and that if her body is to be forfeit then she will gladly yield.

[nabi-unveiled]

Flipping the Characters in Futtara Doshaburi

This show is a vibe, and I'm vibing with it. I'm loving everything about these two lonely people desperately seeking intimacy. Watching episode four in the car while the rain poured around me only added to the vibe. That said, being in the car means I can't do my normal screenshot process so semi-relevant gifs it is.

We start with Hagiwara descending into the depths. I mentioned after episode 3 that he still had a more positive outlook on his circumstances. But he's now on his way into the hole where he won't be able to gloss over his unhappiness. Sei is already in the hole. He has been there for a while, he knows he's there, and he's somewhat resigned himself to it.

This change in Hagiwara's attitude is reflected in our aesthetics too. While Hagiwara's home had bright and warm elements last episode, the door to his house is cold and dark after their dinner. It's no longer welcoming. The restaurant is where the warm colors resided.

However, the truly interesting thing to me about this show is in how much this show has flipped the character expectations.

It's flipped the idea of "good guys" and "bad guys" - particularly in a drama that's definitely leading towards cheating. It's pretty standard fair in a cheating drama for the partners to be painted as not caring or evil. But as Hiragawa and Sei make clear in their exchange after the meal, nobody really is in the wrong (yet). It's really unfair to all of them. I actually think Sei's partner has the shortest end of this stick thus far, but that's a different discussion.

The partners of our leads are caring. They cook for our leads. They clean up for our leads. They are kind. But they offer companionship, not sex. This makes them "cruel". It's cruel to be kind.

Our leads actually have only shown minimal considerations towards their partner. Sei sprayed perfume and Hiragawa goes to his girlfriend's social events, but they aren't the ones doing the major acts of service. The have mainly shown care to each other, not their partners. And they mainly want sex (and intimacy, but...the dialogue keeps saying sex) from their partners. In most other shows, our leads would be the "bad guy". The boyfriend who is obsessed with sex and has you do all of the work. But this show is clearly demonstrating that while romance may be in the little things, the little things cannot fill the empty hole. And it's okay to want that hole to be filled.

The characterization of our main leads has flipped as well. The initial setup in episode one depicted Hagiwara as a bit of a bumbling oaf. He sent an email to the wrong address. He forgot to pick up his ID card. Sei, on the other hand, was initially portrayed as the fastidious one handling a business need and admonishing Hagiwara for wearing an id tag that wasn't company issued.

But we have learned that those were false impressions. Hagiwara is good at his job. It's made clear that he's good at planning the company outings. He's good at sales. He's the responsible one gathering and returning the umbrellas. He's the "picky" one at the grill making sure the grilling is done correctly. Sei is the one who stands in the rain and acts a mess. We now know he likely reacted to the id tag because of his complex feelings about who designed it, not because he actually cared about the rules. It's an interesting switch up.

There's also some interesting flips in that Hagiwara is a gregarious guy who talks a lot (he's in sales after all). He not only goes to social events on the regular, he plans them. But he never says what he actually wants. That characterization is more common, but it's still an interesting dichotomy. He is tumblr - only saying his deepest thoughts when writing to a stranger.

Meanwhile, Sei says exactly what he wants. The man is crude and rude, but he's also open with his thoughts. Many taciturn, loner characters are blunt, but few are as open as Sei. He just lays it all out on the table. I wish I could catch the linguistics of Japanese to know if he's actually using rude speech patterns as well, but that's outside of my skillset.

Being a prickly porcupine, Sei is used to people being put off by him. He said earlier that he wasn't nice. And he's not. But we still LIKE him and we still FEEL for him. And that's incredibly difficult to pull off in a show that clocks episodes in at under 25 minutes.

Sei fully expected that Higawara would back off and only give him courtesy greetings once he found out his identity. His friend from college did just that this episode. A few courtesy greetings followed by "Oh you don't have LINE. Guess we won't talk then. Bye." Fujisawa is the only one that seems to have put up with his personality. But Higawara, as bad as he is at expressing his own thoughts, feels comfortable with Sei. He keeps reaching out. He reached out through e-mail. He reached out with an umbrella. He reached out with an invite to treat Sei for helping. He reached out with a dinner invite. And unlike his partner, Sei responds.

For Sei, whose desire to talk keeps getting shut down by his partner, this invitation explicitly to talk is a lifeline. He always responds, taking any hint of Hiragawa reaching out to initiate an entire, probably way-too-honest conversation. After all, the hole is deep.

By the end of the episode, Hagiwara has fully descended into the underground thanks to our pregnant friend spilling the tea. In a bright environment with a lot of light no less (enlightenment I dare say?). He's reaches out to his partner in a final attempt and gets shut down. So he reaches out to Sei. And, Sei does what he always does. He responds. He welcomes someone joining him in the underground. At the end of the day, they both crave the intimacy this connection is providing. But as the storm glass predicts....rain is coming.

How did they fit that much meaty stuff in a 25 minute episode?!

[queenoftheimps]

Something I've only just now noticed about Armand in the show: despite the fact that we know this guy is a vampire and we know he eats people, we have never once actually seen him fully drain anybody or get covered in any blood. He bites Daniel, but doesn't kill him or even get any blood on himself in the process. Even when he eats Malik, he comes back clean as a whistle, with only the sunglasses as evidence he killed anybody.

Which is in stark contrast to every other vampire on the show.

Now, granted, this does make a lot of sense for Armand as a character, him being kind of fastidious and neat.

But what I suspect is gonna happen: whenever we do see Armand fully in action, it's gonna be a fucking mess. Especially if it's because he's biting someone because he's trying to turn them after refusing to create a fledgling for so long. (*cough cough Daniel cough*)

[fromjannah]

i want to get into poetry. help?

my dear i'm going to be real with you -- i may not be the best person to ask if you want to Seriously get into poetry because nearly Everything i read is contemporary (i know i need to branch out. i know.). that being said, a great method is to just go down an absolute rabbit hole after discovering a poem you like.

there are a lot of ways to read poetry. while it's good to pay attention to craft and all that comes with it, you don't need to be an expert in literary techniques to appreciate poetry -- plenty of good poems can speak to you otherwise! as you read more poetry, you'll gain more skills. the only way to begin is by beginning, etc. the only thing i can say is really sit with poems! don't rush through them. in short works, every word counts and will make your reading experience better.

i think hanif abdurraqib is a fantastic starting point for people who aren't super into poetry, especially if they find it flowery or difficult to understand. hanif is super grounded and real while still writing beautifully. some of my favorite poems of his are "and what good will your vanity be when the rapture comes", "poems on an email exchange", "when i say that loving me is kind of like being a chicago bulls fan", "dudes, we did not go through the hassle of getting these fake ids for this jukebox to not have any springsteen", among many many others.

my favorite poet of all time is kaveh akbar, who is actually the poet that formally got me really into poetry. he is beautifully lyrical without being over the top and i cannot recommend his collection pilgrim bell enough. that being said, "stop me if you've heard this one before" is the poem of his that was my gateway drug. other poems i love very much include "forfeiting my mystique", "the palace", "against dying", "heritage", "i wouldn't even know what to do with a third chance", and i'm going to stop here before i go crazy. if you're into poetry readings, he did this lecture/panel/thing a few years ago -- he has a really hypnotizing, gorgeous style of reading poetry that i love.

other contemporary poets who i love include cameron awkward-rich, franny choi, solmaz sharif, ada limón, natalie diaz, summer farah, ocean vuong, and dante émile (who is here on tumblr!). this is a very very short list shaped by my personal preferences -- if you send me a dm with the vibes you like, i can probably get a more specific list of actual poems. to sound a little cultured, a slightly older poet who i love very much is frank o'hara, which, you know, basic choice, but he's special to me.

in short: find a poem you like, and follow the rabbit! there are so many poems just online. a secondhand bookshop is also a great place to start building a physical collection, if you want to get into that (you totally should, eventually, once you find poets you like -- sometimes you have the worst day at work and you just need to lay in bed with your favorite poems in hand).

[mischiefwife]

BG3 characters having a 'these edibles aint shit' moment:

Halsin is lying on his back in the garden and has been for like an hour straight saying nothing, he probably cultivated the weed and its like super strong through druid powers

Wyll spends the entire high fastidiously cleaning the entire camp, and sweeps the dirt under Halsin several times just to be thorough

Shadowheart is in a corner playing an entire Evanesence album and pausing it to explain how good it is and how good the lyrics are (she will move on to other similar music too)

Gale is somewhere by himself casting the simplest cantrips over and over and just being Amazed at the Amazing Properties of the Weave and how it contains Untold Power while he summons like one tiny candle sized flame

Lae'zel has the owlbear cub in her lap by like hour two and is holding up his claws saying stuff like 'murderous. fearsome. beast' and the cub is just going hoot

Karlach keeps forgetting she's put a hot pocket in the microwave and so ends up with like 7 and is trying to hard to relieve the munchies but she can't stop laughing

Astarion keeps panicking about his hair being messed up and going to find a mirror and then saying fuck everytime he realizes he has no reflection Aylin is convinced she can sober up through rigorous exercise and so is doing sets of one hundred unbroken air squats with Isobel on her back

Volo was vociferously booed for dropping the lasagna and they sent him out to pick up pizza but he doesn't get back til like 5am

Minthara is probably the most normal and is just like hanging out reading a book and from time to time looking up judgingly at everyone else who is losing their shit

Jaheira has made rice krispy treats

Minsc is having a very very troubling and extremely intense existential debate with Boo and is on the verge of tears and wants to give everyone a hug Withers what are you doing over there bone man

[undeadoracle]

Would love to hear your thoughts on Emmrich being autistic if you don’t mind sharing? I hadn’t really considered it myself but I’m curious

Sure! to be fair, emmrich being older means he’s had a lot of time to grow into himself, develop confidence, and cultivate his personality traits in ways that work for him in his environment. But here’s a few things that stuck out to me as rather neurodivergent of him:

-he’s typically very tidy and organized. we see that he keeps inventory of what he brings to the lighthouse, and does not like things messy, even though he as a LOT of stuff; Sylvia Feketekuty herself described him as “fastidious.” he gets upset about assan coming into his space, getting into things and making messes, he doesn’t want taash to use his bone tools, says he’s glad he doesn’t share an office with neve because she leaves paperwork everywhere, etc.

-deliberately precise use of language that he considers a point of pride. He tells rook, “I always choose my words carefully,” and we see that to be true in the way he speaks to others, as well. Autistic folks often use language very meticulously because they want to be specific, and to avoid being misunderstood.

-he sometimes (perhaps even often) gets distracted at inappropriate times by things that are relevant to his interests and has to be guided back on track by rook/other members of the party.

- he’s is an extremely polite & courteous person, of course, but that’s not the same as being socially intuitive. In fact, autistic people often gravitate to being extremely polite because social conventions are rules that can be followed in order to ensure a Correct Social Interaction; they don’t require interpreting nuanced cues or reading between the lines. Emmrich often does not immediately pick up on the other companions teasing/poking fun at him; it takes a few exchanges back and forth for him to catch on, if he does at all. It’s not because he’s dumb or naive, he obviously isn’t, he just is inclined to take people at face value in a way that’s common for folks on the spectrum. See also: him getting tricked by the guy selling fake charms in tevinter. Even when he gets revenge for that, it’s less about being embarrassed on his own behalf and more a righteous indignation that someone would lie about something like that, it’s dangerous don’t you know!

- in the same vein, he’s totally bewildered and caught off guard by the flirting (at first), and wants to confirm it’s intentional and serious on rook’s part by communicating very clearly about it. Which is a good and mature thing, of course, but it’s also him clarifying that he’s interpreting rook’s overtures correctly.

- he simply cannot stop himself from constantly infodumping about necromancy and botany, his most dearly held interests. He will happily spend all day with these subjects, then talk about them some more, then read about them some more before bed. He never seems to get tired of absorbing more of them or talking about them. Most people, no matter how passionate about their work, don’t have that level of commitment in their off time. Even the fact that he wants to become a lich, which very few members of the mourn watch are willing to do, is indicative of how deeply he’s entrenched his life in necromancy. And when talking with someone who doesn’t care about either of those things, or actively dislikes them, he tends to flounder and cut the conversation short.

- furthermore, he doesn’t really know how to set people at ease with necromancy; he thinks if he just talks more and more about what he finds beautiful and valuable about it, eventually people will “get it,” even if they’re clearly uncomfortable. See especially: his conflicts with taash, some of his conversations with lucanis, etc. you could chalk this up to cultural differences, but I think most people in his position would approach the subject with a little more discretion when dealing with foreigners who definitely have different perspectives on the subject.

- he and bellara (who is deliberately neurodivergent coded) get along very harmoniously. he has no trouble keeping up with her, and they’re very much able to tap into each other’s wavelengths. Conversely, taash (also neurodivergent coded) has all the opposite traits: very unemotive, struggles to articulate themself aloud, special interests he doesn’t care about, etc., and they get on each others’ nerves without even trying. He can’t figure taash out because he can’t read between the lines of their behavior, but when it's finally made clear to him that taash is afraid of his necromancy he immediately switches gears, because he’s no longer trying to guess what he's done to offend them.

- being empathetic towards nonhuman creatures is a very common experience for autistic folks, and he’s deeply empathetic towards spirits, moreso even than other members of the mourn watch. He says they were his companions growing up, despite having other humans around that he could’ve turned to for comfort and companionship after his parents’ deaths, and he displays a degree of understanding and compassion for them that is really only on par with like, solas, as far as other characters of the franchise go.

- Sylvia also described him as “a man of large emotions,” which is a big mood, pardon the pun, for neurodivergent folk.

- obviously being homesick in and of itself isn’t unique to autism, nor is not being well traveled, but he clearly misses his personal routines; he’s thinking about how he misses his old norms and schedule when rook asks him about homesickness, and later when rook talks with him about his youth he says the repetitive rituals of the mourn watch were exactly what he needed to heal from the loss of his parents. Spending their entire life in the mourn watch could feel confining or limiting to many people, but emmrich gets away for the first time in a long time and immediately misses it. You could also link this desire to have consistency to his conflict with harding about camping; the idea of getting to see fereldan is exciting to him in theory, but having to change his regular routine (leaving behind his books, dressing gown, shaving kit etc.) upsets him. It’s not about being spoiled—he grew up poor, after all—it’s about having to give up his regular habits.

[daytaker]

The Gang's Tumblr Pages

Inspired by this and my own reaction to it.

Lucifer

Perfectly curated, perfectly formatted, and whenever there's a major change to the tumblr format, he simply leaves the website altogether in a huff of peacock feathers.

Lots of HD photography of nature getting reblogged.

Has an extremely complicated and specific list of tags he uses for every single post.

He only reblogs text posts that are sufficiently visually appealing. Very few meet his high standards.

You could look through his entire blog and not learn one single thing about him except that he's a perfectionist to the point of neurosis.

He has a lot of professional art blogs following him.

Mammon

Oversharing oversharing oversharing!!!!

He regularly gets himself in trouble by shouting about the shit he's done into the void of the internet.

Tried to have a tagging system but forgets about 7/10 times.

Reblogs himself all the time to say "AND ANOTHER THING!!!"

He hates looking at the actual blog pages. The text is always so tiny and some of them start playing music and changing his mouse into a weird shape? No thank you.

He has very few followers and he doesn't really care. Who goes on tumblr for the social element? Weirdos, that's who.

He's insanely easy to troll with anonymous asks. Everyone has done it. Even Lucifer, though he wouldn't admit it.

Some of his best asks:

"did u just post that you're okay with the idea of ponies and unicorns breeding. like no shade on that conceptually but why."

"If you reblog another 'reblog this for good luck' post, I will personally break down your door and steal your skin."

"ur ugly" "yeah-huh" "ugly" "no i won't 'come off anon and fight u' whhy don't you come ON anon and fight me?" "'i don't know how' sounds like something a chicken would say"

Leviathan

He just makes a blog like one of us. Fandom stuff.

Except he's multifandom to the extreme. It's impossible to keep track of his interests because he always has so many simultaneously.

He has the most followers of the brothers just because he gets so deep into so many fandoms that they come rolling in.

He has blocked all of his brothers except for the twins. They're okay.

His blog is a chaotic mess but there is order within the madness. He has a masterpost of tags that explains everything if you care to look at it. (I don't recommend it.)

Satan

It feels stupid to even put this in writing but...cat pics. Endless cat pics. That's like 90% of his blog.

The other 10% is a mixture of book recommendations and analysis, Lucifer shade, and a comprehensive, ever-expanding list of shit Lucifer has done to make Satan angry. It's a very long list. It's organized by theme.

"Lucifer inflicts unjust punishments." "Lucifer makes unnecessary snide remarks." "Lucifer simping for Diavolo and MC (pathetic)."

His blog itself is very minimalist and clean.

He's another fastidious tagger. He tags the cat pics by color, breed, age, number of cats, setting...

Asmodeus

He's not very into tumblr. It's like Devilgram but more complicated and less popular.

Sometimes he'll post or reblog 'aesthetic' things. Moodboards and the like.

In general though, he doesn't really 'get' tumblr.

People don't post selfies very often. Weird.

Beelzebub

Food blog.

Just food.

Reblogging hot dogs.

Reblogging nachos.

Reblogging ice cream.

Nothing else. Ever.

Belphegor

"This minimalist Tumblr has no posts."

No posts.

Default profile picture.

Sometimes he'll like something.

Usually he just looks at it.

Diavolo

There is no order. Only chaos.

He hardly ever uses it, then he'll come online and reblog a million things that have nothing to do with each other. Then he'll go silent again.

He has no tagging system.

He has no custom theme.

He is very friendly to all anonymous askers though.

Barbatos

Barbatos would never have a tumblr. Don't be ridiculous.

Solomon

He only posts very rarely. He prefers to lurk.

When he does post, it's something weird as fuck, like reblogging statistics about owl pellet contents.

He likes to keep people on their toes.

Simeon

Reblogging inspirational quotes, pictures of nature, and general positivity.

That is, once he figures out how the website works.

That takes a really long time.

What is a queue? What are tags? Why is it called a "reblog"? How does he track activity? How does he navigate the homepage? Why does it post things in such a strange order? What is a "Blaze"? What is a draft? Custom URL? Custom Theme? Sideblogs? Mass Post Editor?

Someone please help him.

Solomon probably does that.

Luke

Baking.

He uses tumblr for recipes and images of baked goods.

But tumblr isn't even the best place to go for that, so he isn't on very often.

He sometimes likes Simeon's posts, just as a show of support since he knows how hard Simeon works to post anything anywhere.

[604to647]

Holidays in the 604

Hope everyone has been having a good holidays so far, however that looks for you or best suits your sensibilities 🥹🥰🫂🎄🎄

I started to write write some HCs for what the holidays might look like for the couples in a few of my series (Safest with You, The Rockford Portfolio, etc.) but for reasons below the cut, haven't had much energy or motivation to write (no need to read, it's a bit of a downer and kind of rambly!) - I'm hoping that I can find a little bit of both in the next few days and maybe get some thoughts down to still post.

For those same reasons, I haven't been on here much, to my detriment if I'm being honest - this place is a source of escapism for me and not being able to come on here for more than a few minutes a day has felt a bit offputting. I feel like I've missed a lot of amazing holiday stories that would have likely boosted my spirits a bit - I'll try to go back and find them but if you have or read any that you wish to recommend/share, please do let me know!

Similarly, thank you to everyone for your tags/mentions/asks - I want to get to them and maybe still participate in a few tag games if it's not too late when I muster up some energy. Thank you for thinking of me!! I truly wish that you all continue to have a lovely holiday season and look forward to ringing in the new year! You're all such a welcomed presence in my life and I'm grateful to each and every one of you for being here! Hope to see you soon 🥹 KISS KISS 😘😘

Ok, now as to why Emily has a bit of the holiday blues this year:

I didn't grow up with a lot of hard set Christmas traditions, celebrations around the end of the year didn't go much beyond the commercial and the holiday season was mainly appreciated for being time off (from school, work), a time to rest and relax. There was cheer and joy, but as the kids say these days, it wasn't that deep. I've since married into a family that puts A LOT of pressure on Christmas - with an emphasis on physical togetherness and adhering to traditions/customs, that (to me anyways) can feel at times more performative than enjoyable; I totally understand the comfort in doing things the way they've always been done, but a lot of times it feels like people are just checking things off a list rather than genuinely enjoying (for example) baking the Christmas cookies, you know what I mean? Couple that with my priorities for my kiddos' Christmas, the way we spend Christmas now can feel a lot like a season of obligation. Depending on what the particular plan is for that year, it can also be incredibly hard, draining, and not all that jolly for me.

This was one of those years.

I hosted the big Christmas dinner at my house and also had those from out of town staying with us for a week. I'm a Virgo who thinks of her home as her sanctuary, am a bit fastidious about her things, and sees value in being forthright. It's a lot for me to have people taking over my house, making messes, and pushing/crossing boundaries that I've tried to set due to previous visits, all while maintaining a certain level of holiday cheer and slapping on a facade of "it's fine" when I definitely don't feel that way. I'll admit I wasn't always successful this past week.

Mr. 604 is very supportive and knows his family can be a lot, but at the end of the day a) he's just a man 😂 (and not a miracle worker) and b) they are his family and he himself has had to "grin and bear" a great many things over the course of his life, so he has more practice at it but doesn't necessarily have any advice to impart on how to better cope with the chaos.

It makes me feel like a curmudgeon for not being able to suck it up more and pretend for the sake of the kids, or even to help maintain this performance of "family togetherness" that seems to be the whole point of whatever the heck everyone was doing. So this holiday season has thus far been exhausting, filled with guilt, and left me feeling a bit empty.

I am okay and recovering now, it will just take a few days I think. If you read this far - thank you! I just needed to rant a little bit - I don't feel much like myself these days and that in itself can be depressing, especially at a time when I'm supposed to be experiencing the opposite. Here's to some rest, some quiet, some peace in the last few days of 2024 for myself, Mr. 604, and anyone else who needs it! 🤞🏻🥰