#fanart in general would make my year ngl

[echoarts03]

The Breaking Point (Gotham Villain OC)

I would've had this done sooner, but I just went 4 days without my ADHD meds, and when I don't have my meds, I can't focus for SHIT.

But I got my meds yesterday, and today I managed to finish this up while watching "Venom" and "Venom, let there be Carnage." So, I can finally post this!

I wanted to give out a bit more of Hess' lore. There's a lot of stuff that the backstory I wrote on Amino that I didn't provide, such as HOW and WHY she lost her shit - aka, the breaking point. I also wanted to change up Harper's scars a bit since they looked less like chemical burns before and more like scratches.

So yeah, I had to change that up to fit her story better. I'm not good at illustrating wounds, and this is the best you get from me.

Don't steal my art or repost it on other platforms, please.

[ambrosialdesire]

OMG i would like to request yandere bertolt x paradis reader.you can pick whatever part of the timeline you want, maybe he managed to survive to take her to marly, or maybe she just tried to escape on marly or paradis, or maybe he just kidnapped her I don't really care

Thank you

desiderate

18+ DARK CONTENT BELOW, MINORS AND BLANK BLOGS DNI

pairing: s4 bertolt x fem!reader word count: 9.5k warnings + tags: general yandere and obsessive themes, unhealthy relationships, some explicit sexual content, s4 bertolt au, implied non-con, violence, kidnapping mention, stalking, forced kissing (kinda dubcon), slight groping, kinda masochistic bertolt, cigarette usage/smoking, blood kink, knife kink, slight voyeurism, male masturbation mention, panty jerking off mention (?), slight body mutilation, scarification implications, all characters are 18+ synopsis: they've brought you here on this foreign land, a land that was once believed to be completely overrun with monsters. you've been living pretty easy with this new life of yours but it's hard to forget about what he's done to your old home. this singular man, capable of complete destruction despite his nervous demeanor. there may be humans here but the true monster still remained, watching your every move until he was ready to strike. a/n: IM NGL IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO REQUEST BERTOLT LMFAO i made bro a creep cause i feel like between bertie and reiner, bertie definitely has the tendency to be lurking and stalking behind corners and constantly following you and finding to opportunity to snatch your underwear to jerk off into LOL the reference that i used for s4 bertolt is this fanart that was used in a tiktok edit but i have no idea who made the art and it's making me scream bc it's definitely how i imagine what he looks like (but with thicker chin stubble) and i want to give the right creds (if you look up s4 bertolt/bertholdt fanart on google and see a tiktok image of him smoking, that's what i'm talking about but i want to give actual creds to the artist) also mb on the smoking scenes idk how it feels to smoke but i do sorta know the distinct smell of it this is also in no way connected to the cacoëthes series just to let yall know hehe i hope you enjoy this anon! thank sm for your request!! and sorry for the wait LOL note: please keep in mind of the tags above and do not proceed if triggering or uncomfortable, especially if you are a minor!! do not read my or any other writers' dark content if you are underaged. this is a fictional work and does not reflect irl morals, do not believe this is how a real romance works or functions.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.───

"Call off your damn hound Reiner, I'm getting sick of his shit."

Pushing past the blond as you entered his home, you made your way to his dining table. You huffed as you sat down, leaning back against the chair as your boot-covered legs kicked up on the wooden table. Reiner rolled his eyes, pushing them back down to the ground with a heavy thud. He crossed his arms, leaning on the wall adjacent from where you sat.

"A hello first would suffice. What's Bertolt getting himself into again?"

"My business!" Exasperated, you threw your hands over your face. "He keeps fucking following me and it's starting to freak me out. You guys know I'm not suspicious anymore, there's no way for me to be able to contact Paradis Island at all."

Saying your old home's name had started to feel foreign on your tongue unfortunately. It's been over four years since you've been whisked away by these two assholes and living here has been nothing but a thorn on your side. You worked under the Warrior Unit, mostly a simple soldier for both Bertolt and Reiner to boss around for basic things. It's nothing different from your time as a scout but it's frustrating working for them instead of with them.

You don't know why they took you away with them instead of breaking out their other accomplice, Annie, but after a handful of screaming, punching, kicking, and biting from you, they managed to drag you off to the boat. You stayed there for an estimated week or so with random strangers coming and going, poking and prodding at you as if you were one of Hange's experiments on Eren and randomly caught Titans.

The two of them finally came back one random night unconscious, battered and beaten to the point where their Titan healing powers couldn't even help them fast enough. You needed them alive — how else were you going to manage escaping this unknown place of theirs — so you helped tend to their wounds, staying at their sides until they were finally awake.

Once they were conscious enough, you punched Reiner square on the nose, spinning around to smash your knuckles right into Bertolt's cheek. Your hand was throbbing in pain but the burning fury you felt was stronger. By the time they woke up, the boat already was leaving the docks, and now you were most likely already miles away from home.

"You fucking assholes."

Blood was dripping down his nose, while a cut just barely formed on the bruised skin of the other. It was in vain however. Steam was steadily coming out of the two of them, meaning that the healing was back in working condition.

"FUCK! I didn't even say anything yet!" Reiner scowled as he placed his hands around his nose, snapping it back in place with a nauseating crack.

Bertolt laid there quietly however, lanky fingers brushing against the welt on his face but he was unable to meet your stare. Tears started streaming down your face, your body crumpling to the floor. You were completely hurt, you trusted these two like they were family, especially Bertolt. Was he really who you thought he was? How could they do this to you? To everyone back in Paradis?

"Why? Why me?"

The two of them fell even more silent, Reiner looking up at the ceiling while Bertolt closed his eyes shut as if he was the one that was currently going through it.

"Well say something goddamnit! Why am I here?" You were beyond angry, voice crackling from how loud you were screaming at them. "Tell me!"

Bertolt finally opened his eyes, pale green staring into yours. You couldn't see him. There was only the Colossal Titan looking down at you as if you were nothing but an insignificant speck on the wall. He opened his mouth, uttering remorselessly one phrase that made you even more resentful of their entire beings.

"I'm sorry."

Now you were here after long months of being processed and interviewed over and over by many Marleyan higher-ups, eventually and finally gaining their trust. You knew they still didn't like you but who really gives a shit, they left you alive and that's all you could be grateful for.

Since you directly worked underneath the two Titan shifters, they were able to get you housing and some basic supplies for you to be able to function properly in their society, as well as a good amount of pocket money to buy whatever you needed. You didn't go out of the house for a month though, still horribly and rightfully angry at them. You were also afraid of the idea that you'd get mobbed immediately once you stepped out and killed on sight by the locals.

Bertolt was the one that finally knocked on your door, tired and baggy eyes focused on the peephole. Part of you wanted to keep the door closed and ignore his presence, but he might report you or something stupidly petty. When you opened it up, the faint waft of bitter tobacco invaded your senses, nose wrinkling at the unfamiliar smell.

As you looked up at him, he felt and looked even more like a stranger than a past friend. It's only been a month but it looked like he had gotten broader at the shoulders and taller. He was wearing a beige uniform, a white undershirt and black tie peeking out of the chest of the long, belted trench coat. His black hair was partially pushed back with gel, slightly being more grown out from the last time you saw him. The way he held himself now in Marley was completely different from Paradis, an eerie calmness surrounding his person. He used to hunch into himself when he was a trainee and a soldier, but now his back was rigid and straight, arms hidden neatly behind his back. The posture reminded you of the utmost dedicated soldiers in the Scout Regiment.

"You haven't been going to work." He softly spoke, his head slightly tilting to the side.

"So?"

"Failure to comply means termination. Termination means you'll get kicked out of Marley. Getting kicked out of Marley means death." Alright, straight to the point. Even the way he was speaking sounded different, as if he had suddenly gained a newfound confidence that was only present here in his homeland.

"You guys really thought I was able to function properly in a new continent where everything is different in a few months? Not to mention, I'm still pissed off at the two of you but fine. I'll come in tomorrow. Goodbye." You proceeded to close the door on him but he stopped it with his boot. Groaning under your breath, you tried pushing at the door so he could back off, but it was to no avail.

His hand grabbed the side of the door and heaved it open with little struggle, letting himself in as you toppled back into the ground from the force.

"You haven't been going out at all. When's the last time you bought groceries?" You flinched, avoiding his judging gaze. How did he know?

"Last month." You muttered as you got up from the ground, brushing yourself off.

Bertolt sighed, glancing off to the side. "Okay. I'll wait here for 15 minutes. Go get dressed and get your money, I'll help you navigate the markets."

You didn't want to but food was definitely running low, and you don't know how long the canned meat in your pantry was going to last in your anger-riddled protest. You made your way upstairs, rummaging through the closet and grabbing the cleanest clothes you were able to find and put on within the time limit he gave. Making your way back down, you found him in the exact same spot, his eyes glancing around the living room.

"Alright. Let's go and we're going to make it quick. I don't think I can stomach standing next to you for this long." You bitterly grumbled, moodily pulling the door open. Bertolt followed after, closing the door for you and taking the lead. What sucked even more was how quickly you had to dash after him, his steps being too large for you to have a steady pace next to him. Maybe him being a near giant compared to a normal person — you noticed as the two of you walked through crowds of people — was thanks to the Titan DNA.

Each passerby gave you a look as you walked on through but never spared a second glance, which was good. You knew that you were an unfamiliar being, a foreigner that was never supposed to be here in the first place. The farmer's market was still open, vegetables and fruits neatly lined up in each stall. He did most of the talking, being able to haggle easier due to his status and the blaring armband that wrapped around his upper arm. You didn't like having to be publicly labeled, it felt like you were merely a product rather than a person.

You were focusing on a stall with jars of honey and jams when some person suddenly shoved you aside with their shoulder, body suddenly losing its balance due to the amount of groceries you were holding on one arm. You prepared for the impact of the cobbled ground but never felt it, instead feeling a firm hand snug in-between your curve of your side and another on your shoulder.

"Careful now." You opened your eyes, meeting his in shock once he steadied you back on your feet. Bertolt's face soon turned to a bright red, his hands quickly leaving you, and his gaze glancing away. Perhaps there really is still some semblance of the man you knew in your homeland.

"Th-thanks..." Adjusting the bag stiffly back up your arms, you proceeded forwards without him, leaving him behind at the stall. It became a usual thing eventually, he'd come over every two weeks to make sure you were fine and the two of you would go out buying your necessities for an hour or two. It didn't erase the fact that you still hated them, but at least he was helping you get comfortable in this strange new world.

You finally started going to work as promised, wearing an awkward and stuffy white uniform that made even the tangling straps of the cadet uniform pale in comparison. According to the paper that came with the uniform, you were to report to Reiner and Bertolt in one of the headquarters' rooms. However, the details were so vague that you were completely lost in the beginning, roaming the hallways without a clue where you were heading.

"Soldier. Face me."

You stiffened, turning around and straightening up. The tall man was vaguely familiar, a full blond beard lining his face and round spectacles hiding his eyes. His right hand raised up as if he was saying hello and you quickly returned the gesture, somewhat remembering that it was their version of a salute.

"Name and ranking?"

"Y/N L/N, er... I'm not sure of my ranking sir. I just know I'm assigned to work for the Vice Captain and one of the Warriors?" You shuffled your feet awkwardly and he nodded, gesturing his hand for you to follow him. He started scratching his ear as he walked, as if he was in thought. To you, he really felt familiar but you couldn't quite place where the feeling belonged.

"Ah yes," His eyes glanced at you, the blue color peeking out from behind the glasses. "Now I remember. You're Reiner and Bertolt's human souvenir from the devil island, aren't you?"

Is that what they called you? And how dare he call your home a devil island! A bubble of anger was rising within you, but you didn't want to take it out on the older man that was helping you find your way. He had to be a higher-up based on his demeanor and you'd rather not get in more trouble.

"...Yes sir, I am."

"You were supposed to be here a month ago." You cringed internally but nodded slowly.

"It's my fault sir. I've only been here for a few months and everything is too... new. I hope my absence didn't affect anything." The man simply hummed, stopping at a door with the words 'WARRIORS UNIT' neatly carved into the wood. You pulled the door for him, letting him saunter in before you entered.

"I found your little pet, you two." His hand pressed against the small of your back, pushing you forwards towards a table where the two of them sat. They looked completely exhausted and were partially bandaged up, quietly sparing a glance at you with a short wave.

You settled yourself in-between them, about to thank the man for helping you but he was already stepping away, going outside to light up a cigarette.

"Don't mind Zeke, he's just... eccentric like that. Hope he didn't offend you." Reiner pushed a pile of papers towards you to sort once you turned back to them, saying something about piling them from who sent them; the important files being from the commander and the Marleyan superiors and the unimportant files being from other soldiers. It slowly dawned on you that you became some sort of assistant to them, a glorified secretary for their war schemes.

"It's nothing too difficult, you're lucky to get this kind of work compared to us and the other Eldian soldiers." Bertolt slightly smiled, continuing to read a paper in his hands and you sighed quietly, beginning to sort. Part of you was grateful you didn't have to face war anymore, but the other part didn't want to be treated differently. Maybe the Marleyans thought that you'd defect once you were on the field or kill as many as you can with a weapon in your hands, going out in a blaze of glory. You never held a gun before though and it was most likely that everyone in this military could shoot you down before you could aim it at one person.

An hour or two passed by and you finished up the sorting, neatly tapping them together. It really wasn't a difficult task at all, were they going to make you do something else for today? You quietly waited for any orders, the two focused on their own thing until Reiner suddenly got up.

"I'll go get lunch for us. Y/N, you can relax for now, there's nothing else we need from you today. Good work." He ruffled the top of your head playfully, just like he did before after a training session in the corps. The blond soon left the room, leaving only Bertolt and you alone.

The two of you sat in silence, your hands fiddling with the seams of your uniform. Was sorting the only thing you're going to be doing during your time here? You'd quit within the month if that was the case but if not, maybe in due time you'll save enough money to open up your own shop. You've always wanted to sell clothing back in Paradis, just like your mother and father.

"You look good in the uniform." Bertolt finally mumbled out, the sound of a paper flipping over barely making it audible. You slightly flushed at the comment, diverting your attention to the closest wall in sight.

"Really? I feel like a wet cotton ball, it's so uncomfortable. The scouts uniform is way better." You grumbled, tugging at the cloth around your legs.

He slightly laughed at that, shaking his head. "No way. The scouts uniform was too tight, not to mention the straps were always so difficult to put on."

"Maybe it's cause you're a literal giant compared to everyone there. I just know they had to customize a whole other set for your ass." He snorted and started laughing, dropping the paper in his hand. You couldn't help but let out a few chuckles as well, crossing your arms together. The two of you bantered for a little bit longer and just for a second, it felt like you were right back home in the training corps canteen.

Everything fuzzed out in your hearing and you soon found yourself comparing home to here. The smells were different, not quite fresh as the countryside air and had a more smoky tone with every breath you took. The sights were different, more machinery was seen rather than grassy fields and trees. The people were different, there was no one recognizable to chat with besides your kidnappers. Everything here had entirely evolved and you were being forced to adapt to it. The realization made you feel a drop in your stomach, tears beginning to form in the corners of your eyes.

"Bertolt."

"Hm?"

"I want to go back home." Your voice was meek, heavy droplets falling down and staining the white fabric beneath you. His body stiffened and he got up from his chair, almost slamming it into the table when he pushed it in.

"This is your home." He responded coldly, a singe of irritation trailing off his words as he left the room, slamming the heavy door shut. You started to sob quietly, tightly holding onto the sides of your sleeved arms.

No it wasn't, and Bertolt knew it too.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

Your work schedule was simple: Monday to Wednesday from 9:30 am to 6 pm, you served the Warrior Unit. Every other day, you could do whatever you wanted and that was that. The pay was pretty good for a livable wage, but nothing special. No task you were given from Reiner or Zeke was too difficult either, it was usually just sending out letters to their superiors or sorting anything they wanted you to sort. To be honest, it felt like they were just tolerating you since the Marley government didn't want to deal with you anymore. It sucked but it's better than being belly-up in the ocean.

You haven't tried to make amends with Bertolt after that day because one, it was his fault so why would you apologize anyways and two, he hasn't been around that often in the office space. Reiner explained to you that there will be days, sometimes weeks or months where some or none of them will be here. Apparently when they came back with the failure to retrieve the Founding Titan, the loss of Annie and her Titan, and the inability to capture Eren's special Titan, some nations came together and declared war on Marley.

"Hopefully it won't be so often that we're going to be gone for long. Wouldn't want to have you sit at home and do nothing." Reiner teased with a slight nudge against your arm before downing his glass of liquor.

"I do nothing even when working. Maybe I'll pick up some new hobbies when you guys are gone, like knitting or cross-stitching."

Maybe you can give the creations to your neighbors since you were just doing it for fun. One of them is an expectant mother and since you had moved in, she had been nothing but kind to you. It would be nice to give something to her in return.

"Alright grandma." You elbowed his side hard, rolling your eyes. He grunted and started rubbing the affected area, grumbling under his breath about your temper.

"Where's Bertolt? Aren't you guys inseparable?" He suddenly cleared his throat, adjusting himself in his seat. Back in the training corps and the short time in the Survey Corps, you've rarely seen the two separated. Wherever Reiner went, Bertolt followed suit.

"Probably caught up in something. He'll be here soon, he never cancels without notice." He waved his hand dismissively and you thought none the wiser, tracing your finger around the rim of your glass before taking a swig.

"Already missing him?" You suddenly choked on the liquor, throat burning at the sensation. No way. No way in hell, you'd ever miss him. He could get swallowed up by another Pure Titan and you wouldn't even bat an eye. You'd laugh instead, basking in the blood that would gush out of his torn corpse.

Before you could even say anything back, a soft voice popped into the conversation. "Missing who?"

The two of you turned and there stood Marley's behemoth, still dressed to the nines in his uniform. Reiner greeted him happily, ignoring the question completely, turning towards the bartender and ordering another scotch for his friend. Bertolt settled right next to you, taking the glass in his hand and drinking up the entire thing in one go, some liquid spilling out of the corner of his lips. He quickly wiped it up with his thumb, his tongue peeking out and licking the remnants away. His cold green eyes glanced down at you suddenly, catching you staring at him.

A flush of heat went through your skin, quickly looking away to stare into your partially-full glass. The drinks kept on coming, the haze of alcohol filling everyone's systems. You were the least intoxicated, slowly taking in the new attitudes and information from your drunk companions. It wasn't much but they became more chatty, opening up about their lives before Paradis.

"I joined because of my mother." Reiner moved his glass towards the bartender, his head leaned up against his arm as he watched the brown liquid fill up his cup.

"Oh yeah?" He nodded, taking a sip from the newly refilled glass before speaking once more.

"She had high hopes that our family would've been whole again. Me, her, and my father. He's, uh—" He cleared his throat, turning his attention towards you. A faint dust of pink rested on his cheeks, a cheeky smile growing. "He's a Marley-blooded man, so y'know... I'm not really supposed to..."

"Exist." You muttered as you finished his sentence and he let out a soft laugh, nodding lightly before downing his drink again.

"Harsh, but more or less, you could say that's it. Compared to me though," The black-haired man closed his eyes, huffing softly. "Bertolt here is more tragic."

Curious but puzzled, you turned your attention towards him, his hand running through his gelled locks and he mumbled something under his breath before taking a shot. You did wonder a bit about how this man turned out to be the worst attacker on Paradis Island's humanity, it felt sickening thinking about a sweet little boy being trained into a horrid monster.

"You know I hate talking about it Reiner." The blond snorted, turning on his chair and leaning back on the bar's counter.

"C'mon. Let her in on your situation, after all—" He stood up, walking over to him and placing his hand over his shoulder, leaning in close to his ear that you almost barely caught what he said.

"You owe her that much."

Reiner made his way to the bathroom, leaving the two of you alone once more together. The thought of trying to decipher what he meant flew past your inebriated mind and so you sat in silence, instead thinking that you might as well make your way home now. It was probably already past midnight, and you were sure that you were waking up late with a massive headache. As you finalized your decision, turning in your stool and towards the door without a goodbye, the thump of glass hitting wood snapped you out of it.

"I was raised only by my dad." Bertolt started and you slowly turned back towards the counter, your full attention on him.

"Don't know what happened to my mom, he never really told me and I was never curious enough to ask. It was just the two of us for as long as I knew but even as a kid that could barely read, I knew that he wasn't... okay." His fists clenched together and you could hear the cracks of his joints from how tightly he was gripping.

"When you're born an Eldian and live in the farthest parts of the internment camps, medicine is hard to get by and treatment is even more difficult to obtain. The minute I became eligible to join, I took the opportunity." You don't know what compelled you in the moment, but you placed a hand on one of his fists. He started relaxing once he realized that you were touching him, still stiff as he reminisced further.

"Did they give him the meds?" Bertolt nodded, taking in a shallow breath.

"A few days right after I inherited the Colossal, they started giving him everything they promised and he was getting better day by day. It wasn't until I left for our mission in Paradis that his condition evolved into something worse." You swallowed nervously, slipping your fingers into his and holding his massive hand gently. His head turned towards you, his eyes soft as he looked into your gaze.

You've never seen or heard him be so vulnerable before, guilt forming in the pit of your stomach. For him, he was fighting a one-sided war against your home, all because he wanted to take care of his dad. Yet in return, he caused the displacement of so many from their families, ripping them apart with a few kicks into the walls.

"When Zeke came on Paradis and we finally met up, I asked him about my dad and he told me that despite all the medicine and treatment that he's been getting, he wasn't getting any better. I had to see him again, no matter if I had failed the original mission or not. I couldn't die on that island without being able to see him again and I just barely made it. Sometimes the way we escaped made me wonder how I even made it out of there. It was only for a few months that I got to spend with him once we came back, but he passed away in his sleep last month."

His hand tightened around yours, though not enough to break it. No wonder he started to look more disheveled and exhausted recently, his whole reason for getting where he is was now gone. You pitied him but that didn't excuse the murders of thousands he did in your homeland. At the same time, it didn't mean that you should bring that major fact up, not when he was currently grieving.

"I'm sorry Bertolt."

"It's alright, you don't have to pity me. I have more to be sorry about towards you and the others. I'll never be able to properly make it up, nothing I'll ever do will be enough to wash away the blood on my hands."

The two of you sat there in silence, a warm hand around one cold hand. You really should leave now, before Reiner comes back and you'll be stuck drinking even more than you wanted to. You attempted to finally slide off the wooden seat, but he clenched your hand gently and tugged you towards him instead. Your eyes fluttered in both confusion and tiredness as you stood in front of his sitting frame. Blinking once, his face appeared right in front of yours. His free hand slid behind and rested against the nape of your neck, feeling thin but calloused fingertips tenderly brush against the skin as he pulled you even closer.

Okay... this was getting a little too weird for your liking. Beginning to open your mouth to verbalize your annoyance and trying to move back, he then took the opportunity to press his lips against yours.

You could taste the alcohol that the three of you had been previously been consuming intertwine with the tobacco's bitterness of the cigarettes he used, a vagueness of something sweet brushing up against your tongue as he tried to coax you into returning the action. His stubble was rough against your skin the more he moved, digging deeper as he pressed further into your mouth.

You had half the mind to bite that damn muscle of his, but the warmth of both the alcohol and him was stupefying, hypnotizing. It felt like you were melting against him, a warmth pooling in your stomach and in-between your thighs. Slowly, you convinced yourself to return the kiss, gravitating into his embrace. It was stupid of you to do considering you hate the guy but hey, who doesn't do stupid shit every now and then? Fuck, you even started wrapping your arms around his neck and shoulders.

There wasn't much people in the bar anyways, either too drunk off their minds to care or simply ignoring the disgusting couple intertwining themselves in the public space. The bartender was off chatting with another patron, most likely used to the sight of a couple making their passion uncomfortably known to others. It's the Colossal Titan user, who on Marley dared tried to say something about it?

The hand that once was holding yours, grabbed at the crook of your back to draw you even more impossibly near him, then sliding down towards the curve of your ass. To your utmost surprise, he clutched and squeezed at the flesh firmly, feeling you up with this sudden confidence that you would never thought of him having before.

"Annie."

Sobriety hit you like a cold bucket of water splashing onto you once you heard her name slip through his swollen lips, taking no time to immediately shove the man right off of you. He just told you his story, that his dad had just died last month, and here he was, kissing and groping you and then suddenly calling out Annie's name. You were breathing hard, eyes wide as saucers as you stared down at him in shock.

"What the fuck? What the fuck!?"

Bertolt's hand reached out to you, as if he was trying to make you lift him back up. You've never felt so nauseated to hear those very words come out of his lips as a valid apology, like it was no big deal.

"I love you."

You ran.

You ran out of the bar, into the blackened sea of night, never once looking back. If you did, you were afraid of what you might see in his eyes or if he was chasing after you. With tears lingering in the corners of your eyes, one single thought remained.

Out of everyone in the squadron, why did it have to be him?

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

For a month and a half the day after what happened, you never saw Bertolt in the office or around the internment zone.

It was probably the first time him and Reiner were ever separated for this long, the blond telling you that it was his own decision to be sent off into the battlefield alone. You wondered if he told him what he did to you after he came back from the bathroom, or excused why he was on the floor and why you were gone. Reiner never said anything about the incident, so it soon faded in the back of your mind into obscurity.

He wasn't your first kiss anyways, some now-dead nobody trainee back in the day was, and the two of you were drunk, stupid shit happens. Part of you also somewhat knew about Bertolt's fondness for the Female Titan user, originally not knowing about how close they were previously, but damn it. For a heated moment to be ruined like that left a sour taste in your mouth, and you couldn't help but hate him even more for it.

"He's back."

"Who?" Reiner's fist came down on the top of your head playfully, catching your attention from the paperwork.

"Y'know who. Better talk to him now before he passes out from exhaustion from the looks of it. Also, because I know you miss him~" He teased and you swatted his fist off of you, watching him as he walked off towards the main room laughing, leaving you with a pit in your stomach. You really didn't want to talk to him, even if a month had passed on by, but legally, he was your superior. Professionalism before personal feelings unfortunately.

You finally got up, walking slowly to the destination before taking in a deep breath and entering the medical unit. Bertolt was near an open window, a lit cigarette lazily nestled in-between his fingers as he stared out of it. He was the only person there and you swore that every time you saw him, he started to look more unrecognizable from his previous cadet days. His hair wasn't slicked back anymore, falling at the front of his eyes; in fact, you thought it might've grown out a little more from the last time you saw him. The Titan marks were still prominent on his face, like he had just transformed not long ago.

Wiping your clammy hands on your puffy uniform, you approached him, pulling up a chair nearby the bed and sitting down stiffly.

"Welcome back sir."

His head turned towards you and you swore that you felt the room grow colder as he gazed into you through the black strands of his messy hair. Maybe you were the only one that noticed, but his eyes were dead, hollow but still held some sharpness in those pale green irises. This was no longer the Bertolt you knew, this was a numbed man that got mentally thrown and torn apart in the arms of the constant war, the constant transforming, and the constant murder of many.

"Hit me."

"E-excuse me?" He must’ve gotten faster because you didn't realize how quickly he grabbed you until he pushed the palm against his healing skin. It was burning to the touch, as if you were right next to a blazing bonfire. Instinctively, you started to try and wiggle out of his grip but he held steady.

"Hit. Me." Bertolt's grip grew stronger around your wrist, fear creeping in through every cell in your body as you watched the surrounding skin pale from how hard he was holding. "That's an order."

You swallowed but nodded quickly in agreement, just so he can let go of you before any bones shatter. He immediately released you straight away, the action as fast as he previously took ahold of you and took a hit of the nearly burnt out stick. You had to hype yourself up for it, thinking back on every rotten memory you’ve had with him, balling up your fist and striking him as hard as possible where he originally placed your hand. The force made his head swing the other way, the cigarette butt dropping on the ground as your knuckles throbbed in agony. It was like directly punching a stony wall, not like the previous time you punched him on the boat to Marley.

You let go of the breath you didn’t even know you were holding, straightening back up as you held onto your wounded hand. "And how do you feel, Bertolt?"

Bertolt’s body didn’t move, but his hand began to slowly trailing up to the injury, pressing his fingers against the forming bruise. You flinched as he pushed his hair back to where you could finally see his eyes, exhaling the smoke that he previously took in through his nostrils. He glanced over in your direction and let out a soft chuckle, although you noticed that it didn't quite reach those dull eyes of his. There was one thought that lingered in your mind as you stared back into his gaze, that he must've gone crazy fighting in the frontlines.

"Good hit, make me bleed next time." ...What? "Though, I'm surprised that you decided to visit after... what we did the last time we saw each other."

Recovering quickly from trying to process what he just said at first, you cleared your throat, crossing your arms. "The Vice Captain requested me to visit his right hand man, who am I to refuse his wishes?"

He simply hummed in response, reaching for another cigarette in his pocket and his lighter. Placing the unlit stick at the side of his mouth, his eyes caught yours once more, a slight smirk forming. "When'd you start talking like the soldiers? You forget the years we've spent together already since I've been gone, or did you finally get in trouble for treating us like equals?"

You scoffed, pulling your lips in a thin line. "You're the one that gave me an order earlier, and I've had a recent revelation that I had to start acting like a subordinate rather your friend or buddy or whatever the fuck we are, so yeah, I guess it's the latter."

"Ahh, better watch your language then or I'll have to report you for profanity against a superior." Bertolt was of course joking, the mocking tone intertwining with his words. As you felt your eyebrow twitch in annoyance, the sound of lighter clicked and ignited, your eyes watching him pull the flame near.

"Y'know..." He started as he took in a drag, leaning his head back towards the ceiling and soon exhaling the smoke out slowly. "I've been thinking about you the entire time I was gone."

A heaviness plopped itself back on your shoulders, and you wanted nothing more but to excuse yourself out of his premises. You were about to say something to leave him alone, but he kept on talking, droning on and on about how he was counting down the days when he could finally see your face again. Bertolt mentioned that you were the only reason he kept on fighting, why he kept on killing so his commanders could see that he was doing such a swell job as their loyal Titan holder and let him leave early. What a horrible ideology, most of those people could've been innocents.

"And another thing, I kept thinking back on the kiss we shared that month ago." All the color drained from your face, turning and taking a step back to try and run, but felt his hand grasp onto the fabric right against your back. His voice had the same disdainfulness as before, a demandingness that you didn't even know he had in himself to project.

"Don't leave and turn back around. That is an order."

You grit your teeth, finally turning back around once he let go of your uniform and find him standing, his tall stature hovering over you. Nervousness crawled up your spine, flinching once you felt his cold fingers reach over to caress your jaw, tilting your head up to look at him. His eyes scanned your face, inspecting your features quietly before taking another drag of his cigarette. He then neared your face and press his lips against yours.

Recoiling at the abrupt kiss, you tried to push him away but the grip on your face was painfully tight, almost akin to the hold on your wrist earlier. You could do nothing but endure this assault, a slight whimper slipping out as the soreness of your face grew.

Bertolt's tongue brushed against your lips, trying to coax you into opening them. You might as well obey, just to get this over with and the fact that you were running out of oxygen at an alarming rate. Once you did, he pushed the smoke in your mouth as he deepened the kiss, the burn in your lungs and in your throat getting worse. In a panic, you bit down as hard as possible to free yourself, the taste of iron combining with the bitter nicotine. You quickly doubled over and started coughing, watching in tears as vague smoke came out of your mouth with every heave and breath.

"Ah." You peered up at Bertolt from within your teary vision, the tips of his fingers on his lips and pressing against the wound you inflicted. It was deep from what you're able to see, but already started to heal itself. Yet, that's not what at all made you run out the room in distress, almost vomiting into the bushes once you stepped foot out of the building.

You watched in mortified horror as he smeared the crimson around his lips and chin, a seemingly euphoric and satisfied expression reflecting on those pale green eyes of his. He looked down at your frozen form, crouching down and reaching over to your face with his bloodied fingers. A small whimper slipped out as he smeared the substance on your mouth, a hungry grin forming.

"Isn't this a beautiful sight? My blood on your lips, I wonder if I can make you bleed for me soon." It felt like he wasn't supposed to say it aloud, but maybe he wanted you to hear, to have a taste of what his true self was like. That thought alone made you run out, leaving him on the ground once again.

This time, you had to make sure you'd never see the sick fuck ever again.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

And this brings you back to the beginning, in Reiner's home completely agitated and frightened for your life.

The past few months, Bertolt resumed his normal duties along Reiner and you; although you limited your interactions with one another, you can’t help but notice that he was following you everywhere. Not just at work, but the times where you were on your breaks, going out to eat, shopping for groceries or clothes, even in your own home; you saw him. You barely caught him sometimes, he'd disappear in a blink once you tried to get in a second glance to confirm who you saw.

He lingered behind corners, staring at you with such a frightening glimmer in those dull eyes of his. He was usually expressionless as he stared into your very soul, not a single crooked smile or the usual slight upwards curve of his eyes. Nothing, absolutely nothing. And the strangest part was that he never said a word, just... stared. Sometimes he just stood there right in the public's view, crowds of people passing besides him without a single glance towards the weirdo in their way.

There was nothing you could do about it, he wasn't technically bothering anyone and due to the internment zone being rather small, they already knew that he was associated with you. How unfair it was. You wished you could live like them, ignorant and dismissive of the monster that stood right next to them.

Him being right outside of your window was your final straw, the lamplight just barely highlighting his features as he stood in your backyard. You screamed and backed up into your dining room table once you realized that he was right against your window, pressing his hand against the glass as his breath began to fog it up. His eyes were crazed, the first time you ever saw anything in them after weeks of ignoring him. You flung the drapes over the window — as if it could do anything to protect you — before running upstairs and hiding in your closet for the rest of the night.

If he was able to sneak up on you, to be that close without you noticing… what else has he done?

"He's being a fucking creep, Reiner. If it's not him trying to figure out that I'm some kind of double-crosser, it's him being some kind of perverted stalker." He snorted at your remark and you could tell that he was not entirely convinced. You took in a shaky breath, finally putting down your foot.

"Then I would like to request that I leave the Warriors unit and work somewhere else. I don't care where and if I have to move, all I want is to never see Bertolt ever again." Reiner's expression suddenly hardened and he pushed himself off the wall, leaning on the table opposite of you. You've never seen him quite as serious until now, unease filling your stomach.

"You do realize that we cannot protect you once you leave the unit, right? The only reason you're alive still is because of us, Y/N. Anywhere else in the other units, the generals and commanders will watch you like hawks for any mistake you make, minor or not. They would use any excuse to have your head." His hand rested on your shoulder and squeezed it firmly, checking his surroundings before leaning close into your ear.

"Look. I know about Bertolt's strange behavior, trust me, I've already noticed he's been off ever since he came back from that recent excursion. I don't know if I can convince him to stop doing this to you, but I mean it when I say that you're better off staying in our unit." He then leaned back and lightly smiled for more reassurance; a part of you felt that it was the scout in him that was talking and that made you feel a little better.

"We're all you got in this world and your best chance for living. C'mon, just give him one more shot." This wouldn't be happening in the first place if you left me back in Paradis, you thought bitterly but hesitantly nodded your head.

"Okay, fine. But you better get it in his head that I don’t want him stalking me anymore or I’ll report him to General Magath and leave the unit, no matter what the consequences are." You got up and headed towards the exit, turning your head to see him slowly push in your seat. He noticed that you didn't leave yet and lifted his hand up, almost waving goodbye.

"No promises," Reiner held up his pinky, slightly wiggling it. "But I'll do my best."

You scoffed, but smiled regardless.

"Then whatever happens, it'll be on you."

The next day continued on as usual, something normal for once as both Reiner and Bertolt weren't in today. You thought that they must've gotten deployed to another war since you hadn't seen any of the other Warriors either, but you continued work as usual for your shift. Even if you weren't required to, you might as well lighten the load for you the next time around.

By the time you were done with half of the stack, you finally called it quits, seeing that the sun had began to slowly set behind the towering buildings right outside of the windows. Clocking out, you slung your satchel over your shoulder and pushed past the doors, quietly walking back to your home. Now that you started to think further during your trek, it's strange that you didn't get any notification from Reiner about their sudden leave. He'd always gave you some kind of heads-up even if you didn't ask, either through a note or in person.

Was this something so serious that not even you can know about? That would make more sense, you're technically just an underling to them, you didn't need to know more confidential information from the Marleyans as a Paradisian; not like you wanted it or had any use for it anyways. The orange glow of the sun began to fade, the sky slowly turning darker by the minute as lamplights started to flicker on right on cue.

You were so close to home that you started to pick up the pace, a feeling of anticipation running through you. It's not like you felt scared, no. This was the first time in days that you finally felt like you didn't have to look over your shoulder, the first time in months where you didn't feel like you were being watched.

In a matter of minutes, you finally reached the front door of your home. You rummaged through your bag for the keys, taking your time as you pushed through the unfortunately crowded mess. There was no need to rush anymore, not until they come back, and hopefully Reiner was able to talk Bertolt out of his abhorrent, unprofessional behavior. Letting out a happy hum as you finally found what you were looking for, you pushed in the key and turned it open, only to be greeted with a gut feeling that caused goosebumps to immediately form on your skin.

Something was wrong. Despite everything being in their right and respective places, there was something... off. Standing still at the entrance way, you scanned the environment slowly, a lump forming in your throat as they darted to-and-fro nervously. The windows were locked, you knew they were, and none of the drapes seemed to be moved or altered from their original places. There was only one entrance and to get to the backyard, you would have to take the side fence door at the outside of the resident. You almost were tempted to back out of your own house, the one place where you've considered as the safest haven from the outside. This feeling, it had to just be that you were unused to being finally left alone... right?

You finally took a step inwards, the wood creaking underneath your boot. Mentally, it felt like excruciatingly long hours had just passed by for you to get another step, internally praying that your mind won't play tricks on you from the various sounds that were occurring in the considerably old home. There's nothing or no one here, you're just being a paranoid baby.

Exhaling slowly, you finally shut and locked the front door behind you. Repeating the phrase over and over gave you confidence to continue forwards, determination in your eyes. You'd be damned if Bertolt thinks he could scare you out of your own home, you'd rather go to prison than try to stay at his home for temporary shelter.

You lost your appetite to prepare a simple dinner, now knowing that you'd prefer not to try cooking something when you've just arrived in fear for your life. However, you carefully made your way towards the kitchen, grabbing a knife out of the wooden block. The sound of the metal sliding out of its sheath may have been the loudest thing you've been currently hearing. You gripped onto the handle tightly, turning towards the stairs.

You knew you weren't alone here, the house may settle now and then, but this felt different. This was different. No matter what your brain was telling you, your gut was telling you otherwise.

Crrreeeaaakkkk...

You froze, feeling suddenly out of breath as you stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. The sound came from your room, there was no doubt about it. A memory of Bertolt trying to secretly make breakfast for you flashed into view, the sounds of pans clashing below waking you up. You should've questioned how he gotten in the house in the first place during the earlier stages of this thing of his, but you were far too hungry and tired to even notice until now.

In meticulous steps, you made your way to the staircase, trying to make sure you didn't step on the wrong board and alert the intruder of your presence. Hell, he might've already known since you unlocked the door. The hallway never felt longer than it was before as you approached the room, the moonlight shining down on you and the weapon held in your dominant hand. There was more creaking the more you came towards the door, your heart pounding in your chest in the rhythm of a thousand Abnormals sprinting towards their next delectable meal.

The door was slightly ajar, alarms ringing in your head. You never have left the doors in your room open in your life, especially when sleeping and even when you left the premises. Someone is in there and you know who it is. Taking in a deep breath, you leaned in gradually towards the crack in the door, trying to control the trembling in your hands as you peeked through.

The stench of blood first hit your nose, then the sight within nearly made you scream in horror. Bertolt was in your room, sitting on the middle edge of your bed, all bloodied from head-to-toe what you were able to tell from the street's lamps dully illuminating the surrounding room. Though that was stomach-churning in itself, the action he was performing on your bed made everything even more heinously depraved.

The bastard was fucking his fist with your panties wrapped around his cock, his pelvis erratically jutting into the tight hold he put around it. His lips were slightly parted, almost barely audible groans slipping out with every stroke. Even worse, you could hear just the cusp of your name with it, your own face growing warm.

You had to report this to General Magath, now. Burn your bed and used underwear once you got the chance to second on the list. Reiner failed, maybe even never went up to him, and now you had to take the drastic way out of this. He finally took things way too far; if not your underwear, it might’ve been you.

You took a step backwards, immediately paling as the floorboard behind you squeaked loudly under the weight. The movement from within your room paused abruptly, anxiety and dread crawling up your veins with every passing moment. The sound of the bed springs being relieved of any weight on them immediately alerted you that you needed to start running or hide until he leaves. It was too late, the door opening with a grinding, crackling noise.

"Welcome home, Y/N."

Bertolt lunged at you, instincts kicking in as you swung the knife, aiming for his throat. You knew it wouldn’t kill him, you’ve seen Mikasa do it years ago and he healed without any trace of the injury left, but it would give you enough time to get to Magath’s residence. At least, that’s what you tried to do, but he moved last minute, the blade only digging into the side of his face towards his mouth.

He was stunned by it at first, a nauseating feeling permeating within your stomach as you watched the skin and muscle separate as he opened his mouth, blood streaming down his jawline in thick streams. Then he started chuckling, pressing his hand against the wound roughly and almost pulling it apart. This was no time to stay shocked however. You took this final opportunity to run, carefully trying not to cut yourself as you made your way down the stairs.

"Y/N!!!" Oh god, oh god, oh god. You reached the entrance, turning the lock and pulling it open, the cold air of the night blasting in your face. Freedom was right there in your grasp — just right there — before a thickly drenched hand from behind grabbed ahold of you from the mouth and pulled you back inside.

You couldn’t scream as his bloodied palm held firmly down onto your mouth, tears streaming down your face as he lodged himself right between your legs. He was crazed, his pupils dilated with excitement as he stared down at your quivering form. You could the hardness straining against your uniform pants, a sob stuck in your throat. The inflicted wound on his face was obviously starting to heal, steam coming off of it.

"Good try, too bad you aren’t strong enough to even try to finish the job." He took the knife out of your hold, his blood still staining the edges. Bertolt neared it towards your throat, your body fighting back as it approached closer and closer.

"Hey, you’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep moving like that." He scolded, as if he wasn’t the one with the weapon, the cold blade right against your jugular. You froze on cue, taking in sharp breaths with your nose to try and not to panic even more.

"You weren’t meant to see me uh—" His face flushed pink, scratching his uninjured cheek with his pointer bashfully. This bitch was acting like he didn’t just break in your home, committed a perverse act on your bed, and about cut your throat open. Bertolt slightly adjusted himself, rubbing his still-hard cock against you. "But it was pretty exciting, how long were you watching? Did you get excited?"

You wanted to shake your head, only flinching as you felt him unbuckle the belt, nimble fingers unbuttoning and zipping down your pants. You had no choice but to feel him slip his dirtied hand into your underwear, his fingertips pressing against your hole. A proud smile grew on his face, a vast contrast to your horrified expression as the two of you made the same realization. You’re wet.

Bertolt pulled the knife away from your neck, short relief coming out of you in waves, but he didn’t drop it or throw it aside. No. He used it to tear your uniform shirt open, a muffled yelp escaping you as the cool air made contact with your bare skin.

"We’re going to have some fun together, okay?" You felt like throwing up in his hand, hoping that you’d asphyxiate from it. Your heart stopped as you realized that he was nearing the tip of the blade on your lower stomach, right below your belly button.

"Right after I carve my name into you."

[genrihgayne]

I’m not entirely sure if I’m allowed to ask a second question, Fine if I can’t but I was curious on how you deal with a process of hating your own art if you went through. I currently am going through this process, every idea that comes to mind I can’t turn to sketch and when I do I pretty much rub it out almost instantly. I’ve gotten help by another artist but I feel as if process is either declining or just not working because after trying to apply what they said, I feel like the art is just horrible. I understand it does take time but I don’t know if I can get out of the hole I’m stuck in. thank you and enjoy the rest of your day mate

Hello Melon! Ofc you can ask the second question. You can ask as much as you want to!

This is an interesting question ngl. I know the feeling of hating what is you currently drawing. It's like pushing this boulder up the hill, trying and trying to make this one piece of art look good but at the end this boulder just pushes you down and down.

I don't push it. Idk how useful I'm gonna be or what but if I face the drawing I fell like I hate - I'm not drawing it (commissions are exception. Those I finish whenever I like it or no)

I scrap the sketch completely and not forcing myself if this drawing feels like a chore. That way I don't have drawings that I hate to begin with.

If I have an idea that I'd like to draw but I just can't I will try different angle, different composition until I can. Until it feels right. Until I like it and feel like I will enjoy the process. But never force the thing through and through.

I would say that there isn't a drawing that I currently have that I hate. Do I cringe looking back at my drawings from prev years? Ofc yes. But I cringe because I actually improved and can see what was wrong. I don't like it because RIGHT NOW I'm actually better.

Not a really good mindset but I enjoy positive feedback (feedback in general). I like seeing big numbers on my posts and that what makes me going. That's why I'm a fan-artist in the first place! I rarely draw for myself but I enjoy creating fanart for fandoms that I'm in. There is another side to this coin and If I won't get any attention on my art I will wither away mentally and I understand it. That's why it's not good to depend on numbers and notes on your posts. And that's why It's not a good mindset. But those numbers get me going and as long as I create - I'll progress. Whatever gets you going. I guess.

There won't be any art tips bc if you see your art as shit (it does not have to actually be shit, artists happen to see it that way tho) no matter how much pretty lightning, coloring and background you do - you will see shit no matter what. That's why I "wipe the shit from my canvas" and start without it.

[megidoreyn]

Heyyy it's about the art questions

I would like to know your answer in 18 (the purpose) and 22 (artspiration).

I would also ask 3 but I'd completely understand if you prefer not to answer

The rest are already answered

Hope you have a great month. ;D

Hey there! Thanks for the questions!

⭐️3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand

→ It was a real trip down memory lane to look back on some of these, but here's a sample of some old things from 2021-early 2022! (Prior to posting on social media in Aug 2022) Back then, I didn't have any real incentive to improve my art outside of drawing quick sketches like the pictures above. I had issues being cleanly (due to lack of motivation), committing to learning character details, and more LOL. →Fun fact, I drew on a very tiny 11 inch screen 4GB RAM laptop with horrible color calibration for about 3 years until finally getting something better in early 2022 too LOL. It might be noticeable in some of the above pictures with the color choices being a little too light or too saturated, LOL.

→As also seen at the bottom of this post, It might come as a surprise that I also draw fanart for my favorite assorted fandoms outside of megaten too, LOL. I just never post it in public since they're meant as warm-up doodles!

To be honest, 2020 thru late 2022 was a very low point in my life. I had given up on all creative endeavors at the time due to: My career, being diagnosed with a bodily issue of which the effects I still deal with even today, and other personal issues.

It truly wasn't until late 2022 (when I started posting online) that I truly felt confident picking up my tablet pen again and view art in a more positive light…!

NGL I had written out my entire life story here but ended up deleting it--it would have made this post terribly long regardless LOL💦 Perhaps it'll be a story for another time, though!!🙏 And it absolutely has to do with why the Samurai husbands mean lot to me!

⭐️18. What is your purpose for drawing?

→ That's a good question! For me, (especially due to my visual agnosia) it'd have to be the ability to draw whatever comes to mind with skill and precision. To not hold back and draw whatever comes into your mind's eye without fear or hesitation from others (or your own critical inner voice)… And to be able to properly convey the meaningful themes of your work as clearly as they come into your mind... That, to me, is true freedom.

➡️As for BL content: Despite not posting much of it in public (yet), my purpose in drawing BL (or OTP content in general) is to transmit feelings of love + warmth in my art! To depict tenderness, warmth, and love with affectionate, natural-looking body language to make it as believable + realistic as possible...That's always been my goal! →The world is a scary place out there. Though, if my OTP content can make someone feel a slight glimmer of peace, tranquility, or even hope to keep moving forward...then I'll be incredibly happy!🙏💕 It's always my intention to convey nothing but sweet wholesome vibes and warmth with my pictures, and I truly hope that feeling comes across too. ➡️I'll be super candid and say I actually really enjoy angst and raunchy content as much as everyone else! But drawing wholesome + sweet characters in love just comes much sooo much easier and naturally as breathing to me, LOL. Just because I don't post angst or raunchy things, doesn't mean I dislike it! ☝️

⭐️22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

→ I tend to gravitate towards professional artists with thick painting (厚塗り) coloring styles, dynamic illustrations, and artists that have a strong grasp of anatomy, character design and storytelling! It's hard to pick just one, so here's a brief selection of ones that come up at the top of my head right now!

Thanks again for the questions! Have a wonderful January and rest of your 2024 as well!✨🌟

[antebellumite]

Top 5 favorite people to draw?

thank you so much for asking! in order, daniel webster, robert hayne, john c calhoun, thomas benton, and henry clay

Daniel Webster: I will be honest, when I draw Daniel Webster, I give him the most nonhistorical hair out of everyone that I draw ( though in general, the hair of all of the peeps that I draw are very generous to their hairlines to begin with lmao ). I love giving our guy the most bushiest eyebrows in existence, super large anime eyes, a strong nose, and tanner skin than the rest of his colleagues. it's even better because doing all that is still historically accurate! #danielwebster #byronicism. Stocky build, short, you know the drill. Gold and blue and black color scheme.

Robert Hayne: Just in general, his features are fun to make out. His hair is distinctly boyish and playful ( and ginger ) whenever I draw it, and I always make sure to give him round eyes, softer, rounder, features, yellowish-based pink-toned skin, and a button nose, thereby making him the second must defined design in my head after webster ( and questionably after calhoun ). Also, technically, me drawing him in a cute childish way would also be strangely accuraet to his historical portrait, which is great, considering that I consistently make Henry Clay like 30 yrs younger whenever I draw him. Color scheme is mainly yellow to me, and he looks like your average twink, moving on.

John C. Calhoun: The wild nosferatu hair! I know we love to shit on that hairstyle, but tbh, tuberculocur satanic corpse Calhoun is actually the second most pleasing Calhoun to look at right after Early Days Young Calhoun. Calhoun with long hair, cheekbones, a square jaw, a sharp nose, and eyebrows with that additional flair on it [if you check my fanart of jcc you will notice that I never draw him without the little hook on his eyebrow ] just gives perfect demonic vibes, yk? It functions as an aweinspiring all-powerful mask to distract the viewer from his horrible pathetic weak non-influential clinging-to-whatever-scrap-of-power-and-signficance faux-manipulative personality inside [ best represented during JCC's middle years when he had spiky hair ] that represents Calhoun's true self. The issue with drawing JCC with this hairstyle all the time though is that it makes it very weird when he's alongside Webster and Clay. Webs looks like he's in his 20s, Clay's in his thirties, and Calhoun is here looking like his 70 yr old deathbed self. I actually draw him significantly more muscular than he probably was during this time of his life ngl. At least, his shoulderspan is larger. He also has a very specific clothing design I use [ black cape, gold waistcoat, white cravat and innershirt ]. Color scheme white grey gold and black.

Thomas Hart Benton: APH Russia hair. Bulky male form. I'm so sorry. I didn't base him off his offficial portrait at all. I actually get most confused about Benton's hair, btw. Is it blond? Ginger? Brown? Anyways, round face, VERY pink skin, and a strong nose are my defining features for him. Color scheme I haven't actually figured out yet, but he seems to be a gold and green fellow, just like....

Henry Clay Ah, Henry Clay. Long face, but I can't seem to find it in myself to make him actually ugly. I also can't seem to bring myself to push his hairline back. And this will be the third time I've mentioned Hetalia in this post but I whenever I draw his long blond hair verison of him ( which I always do ) I am constantly picturing APH Poland. I am sorry. Anyways, long, lanky, legs, thin lips with a wide mouth, long horizontal eyes, significant eye wrinkles in that spot, a long nose, and a green and gold color scheme for me, with a red cravat, unless it's black and gold and red.

thank you so much for asking!!

[kg-clark-inthedark]

🍓🥤❄️ and 🪲 but only if you want to

🍓⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

So (as is many young girls’ right of passage it seems) around 10 y/o I became obsessed with the Warrior Cats series. I had all these wonderful cat OCs running around in my head but no outlet for them because the friend I usually role played with hadn’t read the series. However, I shared a room with my older brother back then and he wrote a TON of fiction as a young teen. He read his stories out loud to me on nights when we couldn’t sleep. He was 13 so it was mostly just indulgent, self-insert one-shots. Not fanfic technically, but definitely the same vibes (and little me was riveted lmao). I was inspired by his writing to try putting the stories I had in my head about my warrior cat OCs on paper. And voila, a little fanfic writer was born! (Now I’m also reminded of years later when I stumbled upon my little sister’s self-insert one direction fanfic and I was soooo fucking proud, like ahh the family business continues 🥹)

🥤⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

Nobody’s surprised by this but it’s gonna have to be @uncontrol-freak’s Abyssal. First fic that inspired me enough to make fanart about it. Just has a very particular atmosphere, and it’s a unique corvosider au that I’m enjoying as of late. (And sometimes they let me preview upcoming chapters and ohhhh jeez it gets so so good I am barking 👹)

❄️⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

Oh, hmmm. This one is kind of stumping ngl. I feel like I enjoy writers specifically for the themes and plots they come up with, so to assign one to someone else would be difficult. Not sure I have an answer for this one, I’m sorry. In general though I like character-centric plots, where a lot of the story’s motion takes place in shifts in dynamic or changes for the characters themselves.

🪲⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

Alastor speaks dispassionately, as if he were still merely discussing the weather. The defensive panic underneath is almost imperceptible, but it shows through the set of his jaw and his animal-like tension, as though he could spring at me at a moment's notice. He lays his fingers out flat when he notices me watching them dig anxiously into his thigh, but between the pale, splayed appendages his trousers remain wrinkled where they were pulled into his grip.

(It’s 77 words my bad, but once I hit 50 I had to finish the paragraph as intended. Corvo and Alastor are having a talk 😶)

[jacky-rubou]

😬🎨

😬 Which of your fics would you be most horrified for friends, family, or coworkers to stumble upon?

my dark fics, probably. you know the ones. maybe even the second forduary fic i did this year, where I did the blasphemy of making ford drink alcohol lol. i was nervous writing that one on the computer with everybody around haha.

🎨 How do you feel about fan art of your stories?

GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!! I would kill for you if you made art of any of my stories ('you' as a general term, but it would be cool if you did art of my fics too haha). But seriously, it makes my entire week to receive fanart. it's the holy grail of praise! not like i don't appreciate anything less than that, I live for any kind of praise ngl, but you know... it's the pinnacle. I keep thinking about how that artist loved my fic so much they spent their own time making art of it. it means so much and it does wonders for my motivation if it's for my wips but also general motivation too!

anyway, thanks for the ask! i liked answering it!

[artist-assassin]

ok i need to know more about ellaria STAT. and your thoughts on rosy + the rosymance !!

RRRRR OK OK but ive only played the public demo so far i havent paid for the patreon/closed demo yet, so i have very little information about the Rosymance in general. info dump and stats below

Ellaria is the humorous / cheerful kinda Button, about 5'5", and she calls her brother Nick-Nack in the game but I imagine she will call him any random number of names off the top of her head (based off of when I played Fallout 4 and I would often call Nick any random nickname like Nicki Minaj, Nickle Pickle, Nickolodeon, Nickaroni and Cheese, etc lol). She has some insecurities because she compares herself to her brother a lot, but she tries to tough it out and beat up her bad thoughts bc she's an unstoppable optimist!!! Stubborn to a fault she refuses to back down once she sets her mind to something. Is a very nice person but gets very socially awkward in large groups, and sometimes lashes out when she gets frustrated by how fragile people treat her (the first thing that made her like Instructor Kim was that he didnt beat around the bush abt her zero but didnt treat her like a kid either!! shes like damn finally some respect around here)

Loves Nick so much (i got like a 160% relationship with him in the open demo lol) looks up to him like her personal hero + mentor. Loves her dad even though it's a little bit strained, has not seen or spoken to her mother in 4 or 5 years after The Incident(tm). but she misses her mom a lot she, she's half scared of her mom hurting her and half scared she will hurt her mom.

I chose the pre-prepared name Ella when I first started playing bc I didn't know what the game was about so I wasn't prepared to like.. make an OC for it until I decided I liked it enough lol. But I compromised by just naming her Ellaria and Ella is her nickname. Here are her stats by whatever chapter is the last one in the open demo (8 i think?)

I LOVE AMBROSE KIM... i played as bisexual in my first go as Ella so i had no idea the genders for some charas changed until I checked the Ambrose Kim tag on tumblr lol. but im way more into rosy as a man than as a woman... Mr Kim u can instruct me any day,..

Like I said tho I don't know a lot about the Rosy romance because I only played the open demo, and I know the author says his romance takes the longest to flower because of the whole teacher/student aspect so he's actively trying to NOT fall for button.. well too bad bitch I'm gonna be so respectable and hot he's gonna have no choice.

anyway im gonna get the patreon this week (friday probably) so i can update u on how i feel soon jhgjhlks i also love all of the characters ngl. i would romance all of them in separate playthroughs.

and u didnt ask but ill mention Kali also, my 2nd Wiseman. shes NUTS. i made her to be the exact opposite of my first humorous, cheerful, ready-to-take-on-the-world girl Ella - so Kali is grim and not nice at all and technically still ready to take on the world but more in a "the whole world is my enemy" kind of way instead of the "i wont let anything stop me" ella way. She's VERY resentful about her zero and is one bad look from a ment away from strangling someone

sorry for the long ramble jhagdwj youre the first person who is talking to me about this game that has become my newest obsession (and u were the one who got me into it so UR responsible for this mess) and im happy to share it w someone :3c

pls feel free to tag me in any mind blind stuff u post, whether fanart or oc art or just rambles n stuff i dont care ill love it all. thank u

[thecoolerliauditore]

hello tumblr mutual megabuild idk why i wrote all this but i hope this data is interesting 👍

despite um. how i am now. i actually used to be very very anti-mcyt. not in the way of actively saying that i hated its fans or creators but i avoided anything to do with it at all costs on every platform and kind of rolled my eyes when i realised a piece of fanart i otherwise liked was for mcyt.

dsmp in particular i actually still refuse to really interact with.

i think in my case it was a combination of things. While I didn't really interact with people at all, I had friends who did and I'm not exaggerating when I say a good 3/4 of them had some sort of bad encounter with dsmp fans circa 2018. whether it was comparing their OCs to dsmp characters for having similar but overall generic features (curly brown hair, smiley masks, pink hair, etc.) or coming onto their streams/videos just to assert that their CC was better, we were all kind of aware that the fandom was mostly made up of young teens who didn't quite have internet manners figured out yet and it didn't really scream "hey, this thing is neat and you should get into it" no matter how cool sad-ist's animatics were.

that and, you're gonna have to bare with me since I'm getting a little bit broad here, I believe my generation specifically were drilled with parasocial marketing for most of our lives and all of us were simultaneously very sick of it and couldn't help but participate. think early 2000s boy bands into early internet celebs like pewdiepie and markiplier into the popularity boom of things like kpop and vtubers and then finally mcyt. (i would argue professional sports also counts into this but there's a whole other discussion to be had there i think)

if you were a fan of any one of them, you'd probably made fun of one of the others at some point in time, despite knowing fully well you weren't any better. at my most delusional i might've reasoned that My Thing was better because xyz but i think deep down we all knew.

mcyt was especially offensive for me because

1. while studios and production companies get flak for overprotecting its talents, they are also safety nets in case things (inevitably) go wrong with the human factor involved. which people like the dsmp creators (who were very much my only knowledge of mcyt at the time barring watching captainsparklez when i was 10) lack. and

2. the dsmp creators were extremely young, unlike early youtube names like pewds and matpat and so on. im ngl im still incredibly uncomfortable thinking about these school-aged kids getting the amount of fandom they did and people saying all sorts of different things about both them in-story and as people at a time as fucked up as highschool is. Idk but I know highschool me would've been permanently fucked in the head for life facing the judgment of thousands of ppl on the internet for dumb teenage shit. i was a very messed up kid who redirected a lot of my anger at random things and i would've definitely doubled down and became a worse person out of spite if i was (rightfully) called out instead of given the time to realise how unreasonable i was in privacy.

(mind you: i am also of the same mind when it comes to child actors and refuse to engage with things like s tranger things out of the same principle. at least those kids have a studio and adults behind them but yeah I might just be more sensitive about this than the average person)

im not smart enough to offer a solution to the issue because im not sure i can say there even is one but as a whole fifteen year olds becoming famous for their minecraft series is still a scary concept to me and it all culminated in me being very squicked by MCYT as a whole. none of it made a particularly positive impression on me.

i hope this all makes sense? ✌️

*Taking this to encompass all forms of MCYT, from modern streamed SMPs such as Dream SMP and QSMP, to popular YouTube series like Hermitcraft, to old-school series like Yogscast, Aphmau, and Stampy, and single-player series such as Mumbo Jumbo's redstone videos. For the purposes of this poll, any uploaded video format that is primarily focused on content set within the game Minecraft counts as MCYT.

When I say negatively, you can take this in any way, but I am specifically thinking of people who will look down in or be wary of people who say they are into MCYT, or have "MCYT fans DNI" or similar listed on their profile. If you are not interested in MCYT but have no negative connotations with the medium you are free to not answer.

Since I am a MCYT blog the results may appear skewed at first- I don't want to be the "reblog for bigger sample size" guy but if you have reach outwith MCYT spheres please consider it!

[vrtlzmbie]

Based on this post I found

1. Song of the year?

Cosmic by Red Velvet or XYMPHONY by Xdinary Heroes

2. Album of the year?

LIVE and FALL, ofc

3. Favorite Musical Artist/Group you started listeing to this year?

Kiss of Life (I fucking LOVE Bye My Neverland)

4. Movie of the Year?

...Wicked

5. TV Show of the year?

Agatha All Along (I did however, start watching Young Justice and it's so fucking good)

6. Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

"Princes All" (S3E1) From Young Justice. I'm a Brion fangirl 🤷‍♀️

7. Favorite Actor of the year?

I'm a massive Austin Butler fan girl, but Katheryn Hann literally took the cake this year. Ily mother 💜

8. Game of the year?

I literally have only had access to Roblox while at college. So either that or Block Blast lol

9. Best month for you this year?

Probably July. Most drama free NGL

10. Something that made you cry this year?

I moved like.. 4-5 hours away from home 😔

11. Something you want to do again next year?

I didn't do it this year, it was the year before, but I'd really like to go to another concert. I've only done 1 so far but I loved it do much. (Here's to hoping Xdinary Heroes comes to Texas 🙏)

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year.

Met 2 girls in my building and one is in a similar major to me

13. How was your birthday this year?

It was actually really calm. My mom bought me the Trouble Shooting album!!

14. Favorite book you read this year?

I started "A Song to Drown Rivers" by Ann Liang. I haven't able to finish it because of my workload/finals, so hopefully I can get it done either this month or in January

15. What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

Lol hiding in my dorm. I've become so badly detached from forming relationships with people, I really gotta force myself to be more social

16. Skipping this and 17 because trying to upload pictures on mobile is hell)

17. ^^

18. A memorable meal this year?

I tried the spaghetti from the main dining Hall.... definitely a memory....

19. What’re you excited about for next year?

I was finally able to get the classes I want in my schedule, so hopefully I get my license this break so I can actually attend some of them

20. What’s something you learned this year?

That I'm way more anti social than I thought

21. What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

I MOVED!!! NEW ROOM!!! (That I'm forced to share 😔)

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

Olive Garden 🤤🤤 JK!!! I got to horseback riding during Spring Break w/ My sister and her other Bridesmaids

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

Good fucking luck!! Also do NOT value yourself based of the "friends" you've had for past 4 years. The second you graduate, they WILL dip on you, and not even bother to reach out to make sure you actually have the information to attend the massive award show where you're actively nominated for an award it. Your tech teacher will totally reach out though!! Shout out to him!

24. Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

I don't even remember it, or if I ever made one in the first place :P

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one.

No 😔 just fanart/writing blurbs of pre-existing characters in media

[causticsunshine]

Heyy whatcha been getting into lately? Alternatively, what have you been enjoying being a hater of lately?

okay first hello i love how this question is phrased hajdks very on brand for me and two uhhh oh boy a lot of stuff tbh!

so to preface. over the years i’ve had many phases where i get out of some irl person based media (usually 1d or some random tv show) and back into animated series, then the inverse happens, the cycle repeats, etc.? so i’m currently back into animated stuff as well as fully leaning into kpop everywhere instead of what i was doing before, where i was trying to limit my posting in general or limiting it to twitter under the guise of trying to seem slightly Normal™️ but now i’m fully leaning into whatever makes me happy and inspired and if that makes me annoying so be it

anyway—in terms of animated shows i’ve been watching one piece for almost a year now as for some reason i couldn’t get into it when i was younger and then was deterred by the series length, but i’m really enjoying it! i’m about to start the long ring long island arc if that means anything to anyone lol. i’ve also been watching and loooving dungeon meshi, and i’m currently reading it as well! i tried reading it a few years ago and stopped a few chapters in (idr why) but now i’m hooked and am struggling to pace myself…. i might try and do some fanart soon 👀

with kpop mmmm i’ve actually been a casual fan since like 2010 (listened to some 2008-2009 but it was mostly early shinee and random kpop compilations on youtube lmao) but have gotten in and out of it several times? now though i’ve been pretty Involved consistently since 2019/2020, although the groups i follow the closest are ateez, oneus and nct (127)!

i saw oneus in seattle last month after missing them twice and had such a good time (i still haven’t finished sorting my pictures though and haven’t posted like. any oops) and i am tryyyying (like. praying on my hands and knees lighting candles talking to the moon levels level trying) to get my hands on VIP1 tickets for ateez in tacoma and tickets go live next week so wish me luck as i will definitely need it with how pricey it’s likely to be… but also i will proudly commit heinous deplorable acts for ateez barricade sooo either way i’m determined to get my way? aka: i want and need my own y/n moment ahfksksn

also to clarify i’m not a shipper or whatever when it comes to kpop! i may enjoy the odd fic or will cringe read things with my friends but it’s nothing like HL for me; it’s a very different dynamic overall and i don’t get those kinda vibes in a serious way from any groups i follow? although with ateez… i can kinda see why they attract some of those kinds of fans i’m ngl

and on the side, i’ve actually been working on original content again! the one group of ocs i tend to pick up and put down has been temporarily sidelined for a pair i dumped a few years back but am currently reworking and actually have a story for now! idk if i’ll do anything proper with said story as comics are exhausting so rn i’m mostly word-vomming into docs and trying to nail down my character designs. when i’ve got things worth sharing though i do plan to share here as well, if anyone would be interested 👉👈

alternately when it comes to my haterism… i still greatly dislike and am exhausted with miss swiftie for numerous reasons and my god my art twitter is swathed in h*zbin h*tel content?? like actually plagued?? otherwise though there are just things i wish i saw less because i’m simply just not interested right now (aka 1d stuff) or in general and don’t want to start disliking those things because i’m seeing them too much

ok def rambled more than i meant to oopsie doopsie but yeah uhh that’s kinda it! anon i hope you are well and enjoying yourself in whatever you are doing rn 💕 and feel free to share if you feel so inclined to!

[renatapatata]

UNUS ANNUS GOODBYE LIVESTREAM HIGHLIGHTS;

(From someone that watched it completely despite completely ruining their sleep schedule as a result,, worth it tho ✌)

They rented and set up an Unus Annus themed room and had a laptop between them to directly check out videos on, as well as a timer on a screen to remind us of their impending doom.

Amy (bless her soul) was the true moderator who from a?? Tech spot above them would speak into her mike like God and direct them to looking at out of context screenshots, memes and fanart from over the past year.

They scrolled through the channel from beginning to end and had the time to watch a dozen of them - particularly like a video from each 'era' ish of the channel, like the first ones or Camp Unus Annus as well as fan/their favorites.

All the editors got shout outs + were probably tasked to make a compilation video of the edits they were individually tasked to do and ended up making just absolute masterpiece tributes 😳

They watched videos such as Mark and Ethan Attempt an Escape Room, DIY Chiropractor, DIY Geriatric Simulator and so on...

Mark had never seen one of their last videos, Ethan Kidnaps Mark, which was the pre 'The Truth of Unus Annus' video and was basically Ethan's version of the Mark's Outside Escape Room from Camp Unus Annus.

DJ Burt Blackarach sent them a cake + bottle of champagne and ☠ y'know Ethan doesn't play with baked goods due to his peanut allergy and Mark cant drink alcohol but they appreciated the sentiment (we all did c'mon it was super sweet)

Mark got the bug watch for Amy that he'd accidentally donated in that early on video with Sean about Donating Toys to Charity!!

They almost killed a video that they found mediocre (but that is actually one of my faves ngl) aka How Much Caffeine Can Kill a Man but at the Last Second they realized that they probs shouldn't get rid of a video beforehand fnfnfn with the reasoning being that it could be someone's birthday video and that it deserved to live till the bitter end (that being of like. 5 extra hours)

There was lots of general shenanigans and ramblings/bits from time to time, with Mark and Ethan being pretty content and ready to say goodbye to the channel.

Oh yeah and then like at 2 hours and a half before it ended Ethan got a live tattoo done of the counted down to 0 timer as Mark failed to be normal around the tattoo artist and 'hAd' to mention the Pee Sauna and Pee Soda to her-

On the subject of tattoos they went through some amazing tattoos that fans had gotten and sent pictures of

Hashtags on Twitter were being flooded, with things such as #Unusannusisoverparty, #WeWereHere, #MarksNewHat - which, yeah Amy got him a top hat and I don't think I've ever seen such pure joy on his face than in that moment.

+++ Amy was wearing an epic suit which was their main aesthetic of half white half black...

Mark reiterates how proud he is of Ethan, of Amy... of the whole team!!! I got emo it was starting to get too real

AND THEN MARK HAD SURPRISE CUSTOM UNUS ANNUS POCKET WATCHES FOR AMY AND ETHAN,,,

So then ya they started getting a bit more speechless/emotional near this bitter end, and at an hour ish left I want to say was when they hit 1 million likes on the stream - and they kept pushing to hit that milestone since if they reached it they would reveal what was inside the coffin...

Plottwist!!! The coffin was empty but they decided to test it out and take turns in it (the material inside was apparently very soft).

So then Ethan gets in the coffin which commences a string of eulogies between em which got me way too emotional and was like a part of the stream that was just Being Brutally Honest With Each Other 2.0.

Mark basically talking about how proud he is of Ethan + how he's excited for his future endeavors and knows that despite the goofy exterior he shows he has such potential and then Eef gets out of the coffin crying which then proceeded to make chat (and me) cry fukcC

Mark gets in the coffin and Ethan talks about how hardworking and no bullshit a person Mark is and how he's learned so much from him and how Mark has never given up on him and his constant presence and support has changed him-

Mark gets out of the coffin crying, they hug it out and ya everyone's crying emotions r healthy gang and damn did we go through a rollercoaster of them...

So I'm weepy and dont necessarily remember exactly what was next, but Amy also got in the coffin which prompted Mark to just go off and give her the most well deserved praise ever since she was the one behind so many of their most creative/cursed ideas and was ghaaa Mark obviously could have talked about her for forever it was super sweet and shes just so deserving of all of that 🥺🥺🥺 gosh we really have her to thank for all the hard work that was put in and resulted in such an amazing payoff...

The last video they watched was The Barrel Song by the way with Schmoyoho, which was weirdly??? Really fitting since it was about saying goodbye and destroying something that you'd become fond of.

Evan then ominously says in response to being offered to get in the cry coffin with like. 5 minutes left on the timer that he totally went in it earlier which was him just politely saying No💖

Oops also forgot to mention but in the last hour they slowly deleted/privated the Instagram, Tumblr, Reddit and Twitter accounts.

And for the ultimate end which wow really came too fast once the numbers dwindled down to 10 minutes left Amy sat in frame in between Mark and Ethan as they clicked the delete channel button and the stream went dead.

[thotslayerdio]

i'm doing some of these. i ramble, though, so under a cut.

2: NGL, probably through the memes. it was about four years ago, in 2019? don't count me on that, though, i have the memory of a dust bunny. anyways my F/O is from JJBA and i love the franchise. it's my special interest ><

5: since he's a vampire, he can't cook for shit -- but i can. i can make the best grilled cheese... and normal foods, too. i promise. 👍

the second number 4: probably. he's a vampire, so i think he'd have, like, corpse body temperature, and would always be seeking warmth (like a lizard). i'd be super awkward about it for a while LMAO but i'd find comfort in it eventually.

due to the cut, some of the numbers are weird, so +4 to the ones below this if they're not making sense with the prompt.

8: i suppose so. it's only for lore reasons, and they're not really my enemy. it's like, "the enemy of my friend is my enemy, too".

9: probably the corpse body temperature thing. not sure what the fandom feels about it -- i don't interact w/it much, outside of reblogging fanart/etc.

13: literally... so many... but they're pretty nasty, and i'd rather not contribute to the horrible public image he can have XDD

17: my S/I is a stand user (by birth) and had to leave america due to troubles with the law (<- murdered someone). i can't give away the whole plot, though! i suck at writing in words and i mean to make more art/comics about it eventually.

18: JJBA is known for the variations, particularly different color palettes. i love the red version a lot, and the black one is pretty neat. he's also got like a dozen voice actors, which is to be expected when yr F/O is from a franchise as huge/old/popular as JJBA. i'm particularly fond of the HFTF and OVA voice acting. the audio drama version is good, too. the anime one ranks last for me, but i still like it. (there might be more variations? IDK, it's hard to tell, since there's so much content...)

19: maybe not my favorite, but i like the swiss cheese tank top in part 6. overall, he's very fashionable. has too many outfits and i like all of them.

24: actually, yeah! i'm not sure how serious i am about this? (<- has difficulty understanding and describing emotions) but TL;DR we are married. no ceremony or anything because i don't have friends lol. i'm SUPPOSED to be getting my ring today, but i don't think that's gonna happen. post office is a dumbass, yk. i got it imported from japan, it's official merch and everything GGRGRGRGR

27: no, i hate kids 💀 he's not a pet person, really, and neither am i TBH. he's got a handful of illegitimate children, but they're irrelevant to the plot (due to the time and location it's set in).

31: vampire 😈😈😈

32: his relatability. sounds weird, since he's a villain and general asshole, but we have similar experiences. i don't think i'd be able to be attracted to him if i didn't relate to him as strongly as i do.

33: angst, hurt/comfort. evil-looking who's secretly nice x nice-looking who's secretly evil.

34: i have to pick one?! he's literally the most meme-d character of the franchise, maybe the most meme-d character in all of anime... i don't want to pick the most often quoted one (it's lame and overused), so i pick "I REJECT MY HUMANITY! JOJO!!!" (<- i've not said his name this entire post. can you guess who it is?) (probably. if not from the info, then from my PFP.)

35/36: me

42: yes. yes. biting is affectionate.

45: me, or my S/I? me IRL, i was immediately like "this is my favorite character", and kept that attitude forever. my S/I barely tolerated him at first. i think he'd think (S/I) would be useful in obtaining goals/etc, but accidentally-on-purpose started genuinely liking them/me.

46: march 28. that's when IRL i said, "yeah. this is my F/O now." i haven't worked that into the plot in-universe yet.

47: i'd feed him to a spider. (he'd probably do the same LMAOO)

56: vanilla ice is envy.png. i don't think anyone else would know. maybe enya, but i don't think she'd care much.

58: RAH 1/6 figure. as a doll collector anime enthusiast, this is a must-have item. not just for me, a doll collector huge fan of the character, but for literally any fan of the series. there's also a resin statue that i really like, but it's second priority. (i own most of the other merch i want XDD)

59: soggy kitten.

62: depends. if he'd come to my world, a lot of things would have to change. notably, my living situation. i'd rather go to his world for the ease of it. (but things would still have to change, ie make me canon-compliant. AKA a stand user.)

64/65: my S/I is pretty much just me IRL, but taller. the difficult part was the stand... (<- like a superpower thing, for non-JJBA people.) not sure how to describe it. it's like a suit (like iron man?). i named it after a queen song (so it'd be canon-compliant).

66: i have a (mostly) canon-compliant version and a non-canon version. canon-compliant is priority, but sometimes you just wanna be coworkers with dio (<- meme reference but that's literally what it is)

67: run away

72: probably obvious, but yellow. (yellow hair, yellow outfit, yellow stand...) and cats. he could be a catboy if he tried.

74: whatever that old summer VHS style is like. yk, with grainy photographs and hazy sunsets? if that makes sense.

75: me. i've decided if a zombie apocalypse happens, i'll voluntarially die. i don't want to be a zombie. IDK what he would do. probably use the zombies to his advantage (lead them to people he doesn't like etc)

76: rule the world 😈😈😈😈 not me, though. i have no goals beyond get rich and die young.

77: he's canonically bi.

78: a caracal. they're yellow and angry. graceful in a different way.

79: cold, both emotionally and physically (<- corpse body temperature).

80: there's nothing to gush about, it'd just be venting and trauma-dumping LMAO.

anyways, if OP happened to read all of this, thank you for reading, and thank you for making this >< i never know where to start when it comes to interaction/posting in general, and this helped a lot.

80+ selfship questions to answer, whether in a post* or a reblog! feel free to pick the ones you want to answer or just answer for all – this is not an ask game :3

a few of these are romantic, but ofc, there are ones you can answer for your platonics!

* if you do it as a post i’d loveeeee if you tagged me so i could see your answers!

what’s something you do to feel closer to them? fanfics, listen to songs, etc.

how did you get introduced to your f/o and/or their media? do you like their source?

what’s one or two things you especially like about your f/o? can be a headcanon!

what’s one or two things your f/os love about you? ( self positivity time babey )

how do you express your love to them? how do they express their love to you?

a gift you’d like to give them if you could, and something they’d give to you!

what do you celebrate together? like halloween, christmas time, easter, etc.

do you sleep together? is it peaceful or filled with snoring? do you both stay up? tell us more! ( how you sleep, when you sleep, do you wake up at the same time? )

what’s one thing you can’t do well that the other can, vice versa ( e.g cooking, playing video games, so on and so forth )

do you have similar tastes in fashion? aesthetic? food? tell us about their taste!

how do they tend to comfort you? how do you tend to comfort them?

if you have a rival or nemesis f/o, why? are there any lore reasons or is it just because?

what are some uncommon headcanons you have for them?

what is your favorite fan theory/headcanon about them?

if you live together, how’s domestic life like for you both?

do you have any scent hcs for them? ( sweet, something like coffee, etc )

is there anything commonly misunderstood about your f/o?

one thing you don’t have in common, and one thing you do

how do you resolve conflicts? how do you both typically react when faced with conflict or whilst dealing with an argument?

have you met their friends/family? how did that go? do they even keep in contact with their friends/family?

tell us as much (or as little) as you'd like about any of your self ship lore/bg! the timeline!

if they have variations (timelines, skills, voiced languages, etc) which one is your favorite?

your favorite outfit/costume of theirs! if they don’t have any official skins or anything, show us something you think they’d look good in!

who confessed first and how did it go?

did anyone know about your f/o’s feelings before they confessed? how did they find out?

if you have multiple f/os, do they fit into any “type?” ( e.g coincidentally they’re all smartasses, blonde, villains, etc. lol )

do you have any favorite scenarios you like to imagine your f/os in? ( domestic fluff, angsty, etc. )

have you ever thought about ( platonic or not ) marriage? would you consider it a good idea? why or why not?

^ if you're planning to get married, then tell us all about your wedding! the honeymoon! the planning!

if you live together, how does your home look like? who decided on the decor?

do you, or plan to, have f/o kids? ( pets and plants count! ) bonus: if you have pets, do they show any favoritism?

what was it like when they first said ‘i love you’? how did you reply? where was it?

if you could make one thing 100% canon about them, what would it be?

how do you kill time with them when bored?

your favorite thing about your f/o, appearance wise

your favorite thing about your f/o, non-appearance wise

what’s your dynamic like? any tropes you fit?

the most iconic/memed on/quoted line or event associated with your f/o

who’s more likely to be the sappy, cheesy romantic in the relationship?

who gets flustered the easiest?

if you were in an emergency or stressful situation, which one of you’s the best at staying level headed keeping the other calm? who is the one absolutely freaking out?

what nicknames do you call each other?

with phones or modern au : what would your contact names be?

with phones or modern au : how do they use their phone? do they have a billion screenshots in their gallery? whats their wallpaper?

favorite memory involving them ( whether in your lore as a scenario, a scene from their media, or another physical experience like when you received merch etc )

are they physically affectionate? if so, how do they express it? vice versa!

any funny or awkward moments you've experienced with them?

who’s more likely to get into, or start fights? whether with each other or with others.

what were your first impressions of each other?

do you have an anniversary date? how was it decided & how do you (plan to) celebrate it?

.... would you still love them if they turned into a worm

how did their personality or lifestyle change after befriending/getting with you?

something you know about them, that many others don’t?

how do they reassure or affirm their love for you?

what’s your funniest or most embarrassing memory together?

what’s their sense of humor like? how easy is it to make them laugh?

what inside jokes do you share?

if necessary, how do you wake them up? how do they wake you up?

any daily routines or habits you two follow?

what do others in source say about your relationship? do you keep it a secret?

if you have more than one f/o from the same media, which one were you drawn to first? any lore connection like did they introduce you to the others? did one make you fall for the other?

dream piece of merchandise or f/o-related experience you’d like to have

how are they like when vulnerable?

describe your f/o in 6 words or less

describe your f/o using only emojis

would you rather go to their world, or have them come to yours?

do you care about ship lore? feel free to tell us about it if you’d like!

if you have a s/i, how’d you go about creating their design? what went into their lore? how do the others in the source feel about your s/i?

does your s/i hold similarities to you, is completely like you or completely different from you? do you even have a s/i?

thoughts on AUs/canon divergent things? do you prefer to stick as closely to canon as possible or no?

quick! your f/o’s just spawned in front of you, now what do you do?!

do they have any superstitions they believe in?

would you or your f/o ever get matching things? ( keychains, tattoos, shirts, etc ) do they find it cringy or cute?

who’s more the scaredy cat out of you two?

what kind of things is your f/o into? games, music, decor, whatever!

the most random thing you associate with your f/o (foods, shapes, even textures! anything that’s not an obvious)

anything your f/o absolutely hates, but you absolutely love?

any aesthetic or -core you associate with your f/o, whether it be due to their design or personality?

who's more likely to die first in a zombie apocalypse lol

do your f/os have any long term wishes or goals? what about your s/i?

your favorite f/o fun fact or bit of lore

which animal represents your f/o the best?

does your f/o run hot or cold?

free space to gush about whatever you want ♡

[daz4i]

B, K, M, N, P? <3

thank you!!!! ^_^🖤🖤🖤

send some letters?

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

my friend yuuri got me interested in yusuke/ann as a qp relationship 👀 they got some really cute takes and fics abt their dynamic it's so nice!!!!

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

kageyama tobio my beloved..... askljfldhg maybe it's bc i just told a friend abt him so he's fresh in my mind but. he really does have such a beautiful development and it's so touching to see him not only be loved and appreciated and growing from his past, but keeping these connections for years and seeing how he learned to work in a team...... my baby. so proud of him 🖤

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

yu narukami. hands down. he's my bestie actually we meet up every third saturday for some tea and catching up

ok this is where i started rambling so n and p under the cut!

N - Name three things you wish you saw more of in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

reading comprehension. amen

aslkjfdgh fr tho:

i wish people were more open minded when it comes to nuance and duality and depth. like i talked with a friend today abt how ppl just refuse to read goro in a nuanced way and take him and everything he says at face value and obviously he comes off as unlikable that way aksfjg but like you also just took away everything that makes his character interesting?? so obviously you can't enjoy him that way??? anyway. i have some rage abt that

polyshipping 👏👏👏👏👏 true abt every fandom tbh. i want more trios quartets and whole ass groups being in romantic relationships. i'd say p5's fandom is generally better at that than others but it's still lacking with anything that isn't like, some basic trios or just polythieves and it's a bit disappointing. so lemme tell you abt my ship of akira/goro/haru/yusuke-

more honesty and genuine creation. like don’t get me wrong there’s plenty of it, but there’s also so much cynicism, like with how meme drawings become more popular than actual serious fanart, or how on certain social medias posting genuine creations, opinions, or pure enjoyment just comes off as cringey and something to make fun of

honestly these are true abt any fandom not just persona akjsdhg but! yeah

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

i honestly really wanna see some superhero aus for persona ngl. like i read a fic like that abt p4 + p5 but they still sorta fought against shadows and such and! no! i want super villains!!!

i think when it comes to powers it’s just. basic mutants shit really. if anyone’s interested i might think up specific powers for everyone but like that’s not the focus rn so!

since i brought up both p4 and p5 i’ll just. go ahead and make one for both. not at the same time tho bc i kinda want it to mirror the games, in a sense

so p5’s obvious. the actual villains from the game, their shadows can even be their villainsonas and their goals as villains are related to that, they just work through different methods that are more sci fi than realistic, and they get beat by the team (who are still vigilantes ofc) in real life

for p4 tho! i think instead of a murder mystery it’s like, a mystery of someone kidnapping people and creating clones for them to sort of replace them? and that’s what their shadows are! and yu starts as a hero (with maybe teddie as a sidekick) to first save yosuke and then he adds people to the team as they save them. when a person beats their clone they get a superpower through that, something abt radiation or w/e, this is how the clones were created and having the same person twice creates a cosmic imbalance and this is how the universe corrects it idk.

i think it would ultimately bc namatame who created these clones, like he got some divine message about society being impure and having to replace the people in it with new ones to save them

no idea how adachi and mitsuo will be involved yet (if you’re reading this you’re welcome to chime in with your own ideas!!!) but i do know dojima is the cop in charge of the investigation and he gets so frustrated with this team of vigilantes who do his job for him because they’re possibly putting humanity in danger by messing with forces none of them understand yet and all those basic superhero tropes aksjfkhgd

[scariusaquarius]

https://www.instagram.com/p/CYj-s0fP85O/?utm_medium=share_sheet

Not going to lie, I saw the reblog, about how you should start writing and you would gradually improve.

That’s a true fact. But it’s also about you reading and following people who have gone through the same struggles they went through.

For example, writer’s block, self conscious, and just the lack of motivation. These things affect how you write.

I’m going to be honest, I remember back when I was a 9th grader, I used to suck horribly at writing papers. When I tell you horribly, I mean my teacher used to criticize me harshly. But now that I look at my current writing, in my first year of college, my god. I am glad that I pushed myself to write better. Hell looking at my senior year in high school, my writing has improved slightly. And I remember I used to criticize myself with people around me.

Am I going to write tho? No, I’m a little self conscious about that. But I love to proofread and give feedback. I love giving positive feedback!

But I hope anyone who’s getting into writing, then do it!

Thank you for listening to my Ted talk.

Also Lyn, YOUR WRITING IS BEAUTIFUL

I’m sorry but my head and heart goes 💗💗💗brrrr brr💗💗💗

I can’t imagine the amount of research, planning, and drafting, that all the finished product goes through.

I agree with all of this! Not only do you learn and improve by practicing, but reading and following others people's works is an incredible way to learn as well. I learned more from my writing friends than I did in college (i went for a creative writing degree to put it into perspective. Went for one year, but still)

I never actually started writing stories until I was around 11. I started by writing inukag fics on Fanfiction.net lmao and I was TERRIBLE. Like, not to demean myself or anything, but I definitely wasn't a natural at writing. I was very lucky to have an older writer encourage me and keep in touch with my works as I continued to write and progress.

When i migrated to tumblr and started writing Captain America reader insert works, I was introduced to a whole new community of people who were very kind and generous enough to give me tips, proofread, and encourage me to write. Tbh, Cho (whom isnt on tumblr anymore unfortunately) was probably my biggest hypeman and I was lucky to have them by my side all the way from 2011 until about 2018-2020, when they left tumblr.

Writing is never going to be easy no matter how much skill or years of experience you may have, but when you have other writer's and people that are willing to stand by you and teach/guide you, it makes it a fun and rewarding journey in the least.

Also ngl buddy but I wing everything I write. I never plan, draft, or have a solid idea of what I want to write. I just write as I go tbh because I've never been able to stick to a real plan, especially for longer works (like East of Eden, Blood Pact, or En'Ca Minne), but i appreciate that you think of it that way!! It makes me happy to know that people enjoy my writing honestly because I used to be scared to share it (i still get that way when writing for a new character. Leon is the most nerve-racking character to write for ngl)

Tbh you never stop growing and improving as a writer, and it's so rewarding when you have people who read your work and tell you about how much they enjoyed it, what specific thing they liked, make fanart, etc. I swear, you learn from your supporters JUST AS MUCH as you learn from reading other writing/from other writers. I stay as humble as I can because honestly, I wouldn't be where I am had I not had the support that I've had since starting.

For any newbies who might want to post or are having a rough start: join writing communities. Reach out to other writers. Join discords, group chats, pages specifically for/of writers. Ask questions!!! Research writing mechanics, tips, research, write down any ideas/plot bunnies that come to you. Istg the hard work pays off, and if you need help with your work being seen, never be afraid to ask for help! I love supporting other writers and trying to keep up with them/reblogging their works because of how rewarding it is to see these writers get happy about support.

For any seasoned writers: support the newbies. As a "big" writer, you have way more influence over new writers than you think. I wouldn't have gotten to where I am had I not had extremely supportive "big time" writers that helped support me just as I supported them. It really does go a long way. Not only that, but why not? Why not support newbies and support them and watch them improve and grow? Wouldn't it be just as rewarding? Almost like teaching your own siblings/kids.

I never did understand how writers could let their follower count dictate their life and get arrogant about their own writing becauzse tbh there is never a cap on growth and improvement. Not only that, but i cant understand writers who get mad af about other writers asking for a bit of support. If you're intimidated by other writers or are "afraid they'll be better" perhaps take a step back and humble yourself and remember when YOU first started.

You didn't get "big" from doing absolutely nothing. Be humble. Support each other. Writing should never be, and has never been, a competition. We're all just idiots who like to write once in a while.

[the-darklings]

coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective. 

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part. 

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that. 

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing. 

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager. 

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now. 

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash. 

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But. 

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts. 

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed. 

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm. 

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received. 

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy. 

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely. 

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem. 

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself. 

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too. 

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.  

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020. 

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call. 

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind. 

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.  

So I didn’t.  

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest. 

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back. 

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either. 

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that. 

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited. 

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly. 

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you. 

Love,

- Kat.