#executive dysfunctioning REAL hard and hate how i literally know this is going to happen. every single year

[emmaspolaroid]

hi beloveds sorry I’ve been quiet/unresponsive i have entered the sad girl summer days again but ily and I’ll talk to you soon

[lovecolibri]

Longtime 911 fandom lurker here. I love your takes and agree with, like, 99% of them but especially the ones regarding the issues since You Know Who took over as showrunner. Sorry for the loooong message incoming but my head has been spinning over something and am curious what you think!

I'll admit that I lost most of my hope that we'd ever see canon Buddie because of things that You Know Who said in interviews, as well as how Buck and Eddie were so distant in 6A. Well, recent episodes, a few BTS snippets and some interviews have me somewhat hopeful again. And let me tell you, Andrew Meyers, who I always perceived as an original Buddie supporter, writing the finale?? For the first time all season, I now think that *something* could happen.

I've seen many caution that we shouldn't expect to see anything happen with Buddie anytime soon, mainly because there has been no real build-up to "explain" the changing feelings but also because other characters have potentially big stories brewing. And I get that, I do. But then I think about how Bobby and Athena quite literally came out of nowhere and zoomed to marriage rather quickly (and this is not dissing them, I l-o-v-e them, but it's how it happened). Similarly, Maddie and Chim's relationship went through the ringer, but we've missed so much of it (for example, break-up off-screen and then they were back together very quickly without us seeing any counseling etc.) Then, of course, Hen and Karen went SIX seasons without proper backstory.

What I'm trying to say is that 9-1-1 has never really been consistent as far as showing deep, sold relationship development. This isn't to say that they can't write good relationships; they definitely can! And in the case of Buddie, you can view things through the years as metaphors and foreshadowing and hints and so forth. But, I think that certain people expect the show to spoonfeed the audience about Buddie, or do some in depth sexuality exploration storyline, and I'm kind of doubtful. To counter the, "Well, they HAVE to explain to the GA how these STRAIGHT men are no longer STRAIGHT!" I could see them waving it away with a, "The actors have such great chemistry, and just like in real life, sometimes you fall in love with a person you don't expect to." And while I adore many things about the show, when they have to juggle schedules, we know that some (*cough*Buck*cough*) end up getting more airtime then others. I do kind of worry that many fans will be disappointed and complain about getting canon Buddie if it unfolds quickly, even though that's really par for the course.

Of course, I could be totally wrong in thinking that anything is going to happen, hahaha, but what are YOUR thoughts? Is it possible that they kind of roll out Buddie in a...not casual but not super obvious big way that many seem to expect? Knowing that the actors' contracts expire after next season and that the show won't go on forever, I could honestly kind of see them just going with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you are a longtime lurker I hope you are aware that I'm truly terrible and answering asks! 😬😬😬 It's the executive dysfunction! 🙃 I'm sorry it took so long to get to this. It WILL happen again.

Thanks for coming here and sending this long ask and sharing your thoughts! I think Madney is one of the best buildups they've done on the show and I didn't think it moved TOO fast because right when they started is when Doug came back in the later part of s2 and they took a step back at that point. Of course I've had issues with their story since JLH left on maternity leave and they decided to cut Chim out of the show rather than show things from his POV and being loved and supported by the firefam and he and Buck working things out because they were brothers before Maddie ever came around. Plus, after Boston it has felt like 90% of their stuff happens off screen and I hate that! I want to see the deep and hard conversations! But KR struggles (by her own admission) with arc planning, and coming up with plots, and episode pacing and it REALLY shows in the difference with how Madney used to be to how they are handled now. Yes they have less time with JLH but that just means every second you have her should COUNT and yet instead of having her there for important things like being the one on the call when Chim gets abducted to hit those emotional beats she's just...not.

As for Budde, honestly, I could live with a 3rd party confession this season though I'm a little leery of that for several reasons.

The season break gives them time to backtrack when all the homophobes inevitably come crawling out of the woodwork

I am holding out hope that over the season break the show will choose to bring someone new on or Tim will come back because I don't trust KR to tell their story (or anyone's stories honestly) and i want to see things happen on screen. I have my issues with Tim too, but he always had a really good ebb and flow to the episodes and arcs and things didn't drag out but also weren't started and wrapped up in a single episode never to come up or affect anything ever again. (Honestly I think that issue on LS is more about the show having to cater to RL and working everything around what they have to do for Owen)

A lot of the fun of seeing these relationships on TV is the build up! The pining! And I think Buck and Eddie and their love story deserve that, plus it could easily involve lots of fun stuff from the firefam! We could get one of them letting it slip in front of Chim and him struggling with the secret, and the other telling Hen and them ending up as the spiderman pointing meme when they figure out what the other knows. We could get confirmation of the betting pool the 118 has on Buddie, we could get Ravi being SOOO confused because he thought they had been together before and were separated. Like, there is so much FUN they could have with it along with all the Buddie scenes themselves and I think they deserve the time to explore all that.

As for a sexuality awakening/crises storyline I don't think we will really get one, even though it would be nice to see and easily something that they could work in since we know Eddie is in therapy. I personally could live with it just coming up in a conversation between Eddie and Buck or even someone in the firefam. I would LOVE a scene with Eddie and Hen about it actually but I would also accept Bobby in a father/son talk or even Ramon if they want to show him putting in the work to support his son when it's not as easy as offering parenting advice about Chris. If they wanted to do it more lighthearted I could also see it being a scene with Chim and that kicking off the "Chim has a secret to keep and it's killing him but he's gonna do his best to keep it" thing. If we were actually SUPER lucky we could get the 3rd party confession being with Maddie and Eddie, but the time to do that would have been 6x11 but the show couldn't be bothered because they were too busy wedging the Buckley parents into everything and cutting Eddie out of the episode as much as possible 🙃

I think every relationship OG has had has been a little differently told because each of the couples and stories are different and I like that! Bobby and Athena are adults who know what they want and go after it because they both know time can run out when you least expect it. Bobby especially saying she made him feel like he was finally on solid ground was not just adorable but a great peek into how solid their relationship was from the jump. Maddie was skittish and needed time to be by herself and figure herself out but she also needed to see what it was like to have a best friend and fall in love with them because Doug was NEVER her friend. And honestly after seeing Chim and Tatiana, he needed to spend time just being friends with her too and I love how their story unfolded. Hen and Karen start out already married with a kid so we got to see them navigating current struggles together which has been great, but I love that we got a flashback and got to see the start of their relationship even though it wasn't necessarily NEEDED, it was WANTED and one episode was able to show us so much. So I think Buddie also deserve to have something that fits their relationship and as much as I would LOVE a big dramatic scene, I think after some pining and build up with the firefam getting to have some fun shenanigans, that they will fall into this like they do everything together-easy as breathing.

[evenstarfalls]

Rereading Vicious because i can't control myself and i love this book so so much part 2

"He didn't often let himself indulge, but he couldn't deny that there was something simple and satisfying about using his hands" WHAT THE FUCK MAN

Poor Beth 💔

Victor's stick figures haha 10/10 ominous declaration

Eli is such a hypocrite

I feel like someone could do a really good analysis of how what happened in the flashbacks shaped them as villains. Not me but someone

them being in the some hotel is so funny until it isn't

as awful as Serena is her power sounds terrible to have like idk psychologically. it would be nice for about 30 minutes then it would make me miserable and drive me mad

I wanna hear about Eli killing someone with a bear trap

aww Victor's trying so hard not to care about them. most dysfunctional found family

VICTOR AND ELI TALKING ON THE PHONE IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL THEIR RELATIONSHIP THE TENSION THE HATE THE PINING THE OBSESSION <3 <3 <3

Mitch is a much better dad than Victor. I mean they're both trying I think but Victor is so shit at it you can barely tell

oh so I know this is the villains series but sometimes I wonder if Victor technically qualifies. I mean he definitely does in Vengeful and he's got an evil attitude but he doesn't do much evil in Vicious. Like he's almost an antihero; he does bad things in persuit of revenge. In his case revenge means destroying his serial killer ex, which is a "good" thing to do, but it's really mostly about the hatred and revenge so I kinda don't think he deserves her points for that

I think Victor went through a phase at some point in his life where he talked in a fake british accent to try to sound fancy.

Victor literally radiating an aura of "go away don't bother me" is such goals I want to be able to do that

Vicious AU where Victor and Eli don't just miss each other outside the hotel and they have a verbal battle in the hotel lobby while eating takeout

Dominic...poor boy

Victor is so dramatic like what

VIC SEEING ELI IN THE BAR I CAN'T GJSKGJKJA

"It was only the second execution she'd ever been to" bitch why do you have to say it like thatttt

Sydney was so excited to have matching phones with Victor and Mitch? Poor little girl I want to hug her

Specifically, safe had become Victor.

Specifically, safe had become Victor.

Specifically, safe had become Victor.

Good riddance Serena

I CAN BARELY EVEN READ VICTOR AND ELI REUNITED AT LAST

Sydney is a good pet owner

Victor is having so much fun

Eli being religious is terrifying and horrible and ugly and brings back such bad memories but Dominic being religious I'm just like good for you babe <3

LISTEN IK WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BUT I'M STILL SO SAD IS A WORLD WITHOUT VICTOR EVEN A WORLD AT ALL

listen just imagining the scene where the cops come in and arrest Eli is so real and dark and haunting. Eli insisting he's a hero. Blood everywhere, Victor's body. The monster, exposed before god and man. Eli panicked, yelling for them to burn the body. It's overwhelming

Victor missed Sydney's birthday 💔

Eli love why the fuck wouldn't you burn the evidence. How have you even survived this long. so smart but so dumb

HE LIVES VICTOR(<3) LIVES HE'S BACK HE'S HERE TO GIRLBOSS ANOTHER DAY

One more thought: I'm not obsessed with Eli but I'm obsessed with Victor and Victor's obsessed with Eli so i'm a little bit obsessed with Eli transitive property or whatever

god it's late oops. do i regret it no. i love this book so much. i loaned vengeful to my sister cause i'm trying to make her read it but i think i'm gonna reclaim it

[percontaion-points]

Raven King chapter 7

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions.

Chapter 7

He hadn't said anything last night, maybe too tired to demand an explanation for last night's fiasco...

Look, I don't like any of these characters. But I'm also not going to sit here and let David drag Neil through the mud simply because Riko thinks that threatening to murder people is a personality trait.

"Tell me why someone who came here early to get away from his parents and who flinched away from me the first time he thought I was going to strike him goes so far out of his way to offend someone like Riko Moriyama. I would have thought you'd have better survival instincts."

He's not wrong. Considering that Neil keeps wanking off about how he has to keep his head down and survive, he sure is going out of his way to do the exact opposite. Signing to a college sportsball team, going out of his way to be around not only Kevin, but also Riko.

Neil is so fucking stupid, and I can't deal.

"You're a real piece of work, you know that?" Wymack asked, coming to rejoin him at the table. "Your parents must be something else."

Coach David: I'm going to have a team of nothing but children who are troubled. They deserve second chances.

The children: *act out because they've never had a positive influence in their lives, and don't know any better*

Coach David: *surprised pikachu face*

"I didn't know," Neil repeated. "Until Coach told me about the Moriyamas this May I knew nothing about Riko's family. After that I thought maybe that's why we met so long ago. I thought Riko's father and mine were discussing territories and borders. But last night Riko said my father belongs to the Moriyamas. What did he mean by that? Why did he say he bought me?"

"Don't lie to me," Kevin said. "We are in enough trouble as it is."

"My mother didn't tell me why we were running," Neil said. "I never asked her why she finally had enough. I was just glad to get away. We never talked about anything real after that. It was always about the weather or our current language or the local culture—the next time she had anything meaningful to say to me was when she was dying. Even then she didn't talk about my father. Not once did she mention the Moriyamas. If she had, I wouldn't be here right now, would I? So tell me the truth."

I get that Neil was a literal child when all of that happened. But after drilling into Neil's head about needing to be on the run, of needing to keep his head down... AND SHE COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHY HE NEEDED TO DO THAT?!

Like Neil isn't smart, but I'm honestly blaming a lot of that about his mother failing to teach him fucking anything.

"You were a gift, another player for the master to train. You had two days to win him over: an initial scrimmage with us to show off your potential and a second scrimmage to prove you could adapt to and implement his instructions and criticisms. If afterward he decided you weren't worth his time you would be executed by your own father."

Neil swallowed hard. "How did I do?"

"Your mother wouldn't risk failure," Kevin said. "You never made it to the second practice. She disappeared with you overnight."

The heat in Neil's stomach could have been nausea or rage, but he didn't know who he was angry at. His mother had hated his fascination with Exy his entire life. She'd told him over and over he'd never touch a racquet again but she never told him why. He couldn't understand why she had never explained the totality of what they were running from.

ONE FIVE MINUTE CONVERSATION, AND THIS ENTIRE SHITTY SITUATION COULD HAVE BEEN 100% AVOIDED.

COMMUNICATION IS FOR FUCKING SQUARES.

By 'the girls' she meant her stage sisters. Dan, aka Hennessey, had gotten a fake ID back in high school so she could work as a stripper in a nearby city.

Casually mentions child sex workers like it's not a big deal.

"Listen up. There's obsession and there's dysfunction. You can't make Exy your end-all be-all. This won't last forever, okay? You'll shine bright, then you'll retire, and then what? You gonna spend the rest of your life at home alone with all your trophies?"

Somebody had to fucking say it.

Neil thought of his mother's heavy fists on his skin and her fingers knotting in his hair. She'd told him time and time again girls were dangerous.

So his mother beat him until he didn't like girls, but couldn't be bothered to do the same thing about liking exy?

He dragged his attention back to the task at hand and vowed never to listen to Nicky again.

Chapter 7 summary: Neil wakes up on David's couch. He thinks about sneaking out to avoid the confrontation he knows is coming, but decides to get it over with. He tries the old “he started it” route, but David doesn't buy it. When Neil brings up how everybody is of the opinion that Seth was killed, David calls him out on his bullshit. That Seth was a junkie, and Andrew should keep his BS conspiracies to himself.

They go to the stadium, where Neil has his conversation with Kevin. Says that he gambled on Kevin not remembering since Kevin showed no sign of acknowledgment when Kevin went with David to recruit Neil. But he goes on and says that he didn't know about how his father “belonged” to the Moriyamas, and didn't know why he and his mother went on the run. Kevin explains to Neil about how nepotism topples empires, and the head of the Moriyama family wanted for Neil to earn his keep. Wanted Neil to become another little Kevin and Riko. But Neil's mom freaked out over the thought of them murdering a literal child and took off before the guy could decide if Neil would be worth living or not. As I keep saying, it sounds like all of Neil's current shit falls back on his mother's inability to inform him of important stuff.

Kevin tells Neil to run off and continue hiding. To survive. Neil says that he's tired of being on the run constantly. Says that Andrew seems to think that the foxes constant publicity will keep the Moriyama family from murdering him. Kevin says that Neil knows too much, and that even a TV appearance won't stop them. Tells him to go. Neil refuses, and insists he's going to stay. Kevin promises to keep up their nightly practices. They briefly talk about why it is that Andrew is so obsessed with Neil, without moving the plot along.

Some time passes, and Neil tries to bury himself in practice but ignores the news. Then, because this book is hurting for plot, we get a random conversation with Dan about casual sexism and sex work. The book tries and fails to breathe life into the other background characters. There's this really unholy passage about Nicky and Neil talking about Andrew necking on a cheerleader and it's upsetting Andrew. NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

Nicky then starts to talk about how the twin's mother gave both of them up, one ended with his aunt, and the other in foster care. But none of this is new info to the readers, so... move on already. He also mentions that their aunt died, and thinks that Andrew murdered her. Neil believes this. He also off-handedly mentions about how Andrew saved him from being beaten by some homophobic assholes, but got court-ordered drug therapy as thanks.

He then spends a long time talking about Christianity and homosexuality. And it's a heavy topic for sure, but I'm not sure if this is the right book for this. Especially since this is immediately bookended with Nicky telling Neil that playing sports isn't a personality.

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[initiumseries]

CAOS Part 3 - review

Uh, okay, so I think by now, we all know this show is terrible. Netflix gives showrunners a lot of creative freedom, and I think, for better writers, you could get some really interesting content, but they just seem to keep giving these assholes who wrote the travesty called Riverdale, so many opportunities to make more shitty television, and I feel like they really deserve to be limited in their ability to create/write if not stopped completely and thrown into a well with Julie Plec.  Anyway, I’ll try to break this down as best as I can into different piles of shit and this will contain spoilers:

Characters

Prudence and Ambrose

So, to be really honest, I watch this show exclusively for Prudence and Ambrose. Because, well, look at them: 

I wish they had more chemistry because they are super hot together, and I still ship it. A young Black couple? On TV? In this sea of shitty interracial relationships? I’ll take it. Anyway, of course, the progression of their relationship is ridiculous and frustrating. Ambrose decides at the last minute, not to kill Father Blackwood because he has a weird time egg thing that they don’t really understand, also he has the twins under some weird mind control for no clear reason, so they stay their hands. It doesn’t make sense, but it becomes clear, Father Blackwood has an insane amount of plot armour and ultimately would have to serve as a vessel for Satan. Father Blackwood uses the manipulated mind of the other weird sister to sic her on the coven, and she ends up killing Dorkus, whom Prudence finds. She then blames Ambrose for not allowing her to kill FB, and they break up. Now...this would kinda make sense, if not for the fact that they trapped one of the pagan witches and forced her to change everyone back, but no one bothered to do anything about the mentally ill witch who you all strapped up for a reason? Lol ok. Seems like an oversight on your part Prudence, but...okay. Clearly manufactured breakups are exhausting, especially since [young] Black couples with no serious relationship dysfunction are now an endangered species. It’s also frustrating because we barely got to see them....*be* together, especially after they returned home. 

Nick & Sabrina

So, I know from the beginning, we were supposed to believe that Nick and Sabrina had that kind of, Bad Guy, seduces the girl Good Girl, luring her into the dark side, hot, intense, passionate relationship. But their lack of chemistry and really shitty acting just made them really dry (which I get into here). I don’t believe them, and I definitely don’t believe that Sabrina would, once again, break a shit ton of rules to get Nick back. I just don’t buy that they had that kind of an intense, desperately in love, kind relationship, because they do not look all that comfortable around each other, much less in love. 

I personally find Sabrina utterly unlikeable as a main character, largely because who IS she? She has no personality, she just does whatever the plot needs her to do in the moment, and the actress makes Sabrina appear smug and unremorseful while she fucks up everyone’s lives. There is a lot of exposition of everyone telling us she’s this power hungry, manipulative character, but we never see that. She just does stuff and everyone is all “Sabrina how could you?!” and there are never, ever any consequences. I would have liked to see her push so hard to get Nick back and the struggle being, sure she wants him back, but mostly she’s doing it because she can. But that’s not what happens. 

So Nick ends up in this weird drug addiction, alcohol, sex demon spiral because he has parts of Satan still in him and it all just falls so flat and lame, because this show is SO bad at pacing, and these actors suck, so nothing is believable. The idea of him scrubbing his club foot, having nightmares, suffering PTSD, is fine, the execution was trash. Nick sees Caliban and Sabrina have one interaction and he’s like WELL, GUESS I GOTTA CHEAT. And just ends up in some S&M situation with sex demons and heavily self medicating, but none of this has any weight, and we don’t really see him...spiralling. He just immediately resorts to these things and it has no real impact on anyone or even him really, and that’s it. 

Harvey and Roz

Uh, they’re probably the most confusing match here, because there is no lead up to their relationship, there’s not suggestion, there’s no pacing. Just BOOM, we’re into each other now. BOOM, Roz is the only sexually active person in her friend group (lol of course the Black girl is sexually active. Gotta maintain white innocence at all costs), so she’s just ready to jump Harvey’s bones any second now. So of course, the show punishes her by having the pagans turn her to stone. And as if that’s not bad enough...

Which I talk about here and here, because honestly I’m just sick of this show’s antiblackness.  Theo & that other guy

So I was watching this unfold like, yeeaahh, they’re gonna make the trans guy get with the enemy aren’t they? And yes, they did. Cool, they didn’t kill him off, but I’m still perplexed at how Theo isn’t even a little upset that this guy was basically sent to infiltrate his friend group and sat by while his people harmed Theo’s friends, and also...used him? Like...we just...are gonna...gloss over that because he changed his mind? Lol ok. Sure.

Mambo Marie and suddenly Zelda?

I...I mean her name is Mambo Marie. I love the idea of Black witches finding Black spirituality and magicks through Vodun and a Hatian Priestess. But they quickly undo that, by ensuring that Mambo Marie only teaches Prudence in the presence of these white witches. And we see her...doing...an African drum circle (eye roll), only to be interrupted by the High Priestess of White Feminism, Zelda Spellman. It quickly devolves into thinly veiled racism where Zelda doesn’t trust Marie because she’s Catholic (says the woman who worships Satan, has an anti Pope and prays to Lilith with the same prayer for Mary mother of Jesus? LOL. Not even unpacking the fact that Vodun is an African spirituality having 0 roots in catholicism WHITE WRITERS). Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Marie and Zelda are a thing for no reason? After the way Zelda treated her? Why did Marie even stay? This isn’t her problem. This is a white witch problem. Okay. That’s too much to unpack. 

Plot

So, my biggest problem with almost all Netflix English programming is that they are so obsessed with aesthetics, and don’t pay enough attention to actual character chemistry, plot, story flow, details, pacing etc. Like...things that actually make stories interesting to watch. So they slap all these people together and throw them into aesthetically pleasing backgrounds, shake it up with so much exposition that nothing actually happens, and are like BEHOLD A STORY. And CAOS is *especially* guilty for this.

First of all those musical breaks were annoying as fuck. Musicals serve 2 story functions: advancing the plot or telling a story. These musical numbers did neither and were honestly ridiculously gratuitous, highly annoying and totally pointless.

What time of year is this? Why are we having pep rallies and how the fuck and when did Sabrina and Roz join the cheeleading squad, and why?

for the aesthetics and not for any real plot reason. It just seems stupid because now I don’t know how much time has passed between Nick going to hell and this, because you’re all handling it like it’s been a few weeks and is still relatively fresh, but suddenly, Theo, Harvey and Roz are in a garage band? You’re a cheerleader? For what? Since when? Why? These choices introduce more questions than they answer and serve no narrative purpose. So much wasted time on shit that doesn’t matter. 

Sabrina is supposed to be fighting Caliban (who is literally the only person she has chemistry with on this show and they killed him bc ofc they did), for her seat on the throne, and yet the trials only seem to come up when it’s convenient, and also seem to be directly related to her dealings with her coven, which is also convenient.  I’m so confused about Satan. His powers come from being a celestial being, and so, because his coven mistreats him he’s like...lol okay, well fuck you guys and goes through all these convoluted small motions to greatly inconvenience them and withdraws his powers? This is so petty and pathetic. Also, what’s the point? He could just wipe them out and start over, instead of skulking around inside FB then suddenly decides to track down Lilith. Again, convoluted. This plot is all over the place. Why does Satan need Sabrina to be Queen of Hell in the first place? He seems perfectly healthy. Why can’t he just rule it? Like...that makes no sense. What is he gonna do? Retire? WHAT is going ON?

How did Sabrina come back in time to herself stuck in stone? Is that trip to Pontius Pilate (lol) supposed to have created a loophole for her to save herself and everyone? This is giving me hardcore Twilight Breaking Dawn vibes, where, the show finally, FINALLY gets interesting, there’s real stakes, shit is actually happening instead of everyone talking about things happening (Hilda ending up killing her fiance was literally the only time I felt something watching this show because it was genuinely sad, and well acted, and Hilda coming through with that doll at the end was pretty disturbing, I’ll give them that), and ofc, Sabrina goes back in time and undoes it all. Lol. Okay. God forbid there be real consequences to anything on this show.

Final thoughts

Once again, the white feminism runs high on this show. They treat this Black Vodun Priestess Marie, like garbage, allude to her “foreign” magic, but Marie is sitting here like “we’re not men, we’re women, let’s work together.” This is why I hate white writers writing for Black characters. Black characters should have Black motivations, and a Black Vodun Priestess, should know that white women and Black women do not have aligned motivations just because they share a gender. Once they started with the bullshit right from her arrival, she should have handed Prudence her card and peaced tf out. Instead she tolerates the isolation, ostracization and thinly veiled racism...and decides to stay, and help. WHY? Marie has gained nothing by sticking around helping these ungrateful ass witches. I honestly would have preferred Prudence asking her to stay to learn more about Vodun, and them building a mentor/mentee type of relationship, especially since Prudence was the one who invited her and stepped to Zelda to defend her. I want(ed) to see that relationship go somewhere. The deliberate denial of healthy Black female friendships on tv is frustrating.

 These witches finally finding their power in their ancestors and I donno, some female creator or whatever, reminds me of white women “finding” wicca and praying to “Gaia”, (reminds me of BTVS s4 when Willow joins the wicca group) which is basically what happened but lol okay whatever. I guess they aren’t satanic witches anymore. Lol, I love how Harvey and Roz and Theo are teenagers, human teenagers, who have lead largely normal teenage lives up until this point, but see their loved ones tortured, deformed or murdered in hell, with basically no residual issues, and are all like, YES, let’s roll up on these adults with shotguns and swords and kill the FUCK outta these people!! That absolutely sounds normal! Like...what? Lol. God this is just so bad.

Also, I’m so confused by this aesthetic choice for Sabrina as Queen of Hell. Like what the fuck. Why is she dressed like a Victorian era queen, with shoulder and a broken rib bodice? What?!

This show is truly awful, this season made no more sense than the last two and now that Prudence and Ambrose aren’t together, I might be done watching. 

-20/10

[dreamercail]

nanowrimo musings 2.0

so like five years ago I did a little nanowrimo retrospective where I talked a little bit about each story I wrote and what I thought about it. I’ve been thinking of doing another one while also avoiding other responsibilities so join me on this walk down memory lane:

PUTTING UNDER CUT CUZ IT’S A LOT OF WORDS WHOOPS

Silicon (2009) - Oh geez, I hate to even count this one, but it was my first ever nano attempt so I gotta. A story about Theresa Lee, a girl who unknowingly is an android (closer to a cyborg?), and the team running the experiment. I don’t even think I made it to 10,000 words. Features: first attempts at an intergenerational friendship and an interesting framing device. I don’t think I’ve opened the file in at least 10 years. This is probably for the better.

Relapse of Vernadora (2010) - my first NaNo win! Originally started off steampunk inspired but I have no idea what the final product was (there were airships?? and that was really it). A story about a half dozen Chosen Ones™️ who represent ~elemental abilities~ and they have to...save the country they’re in?? Because it happens every couple hundred years?? I don’t really know. Featuring: a fun first half of interconnecting stories and dialogue that sounds like bad anime fan fiction. Overall a yikes from me but I still love Chira Chronum as a character and will until I die.

Colossal (2011) - I will always label this one as the most read amongst people I know. It’s a pretty simple story about a group of teenagers who can see giants and have to go on a road trip to stop the guy who’s bringing them back from the dead. Featuring: a literal ripped from tv tropes 5 man band set up and entirely okay if not weak narration. In the end it’s hard for me to go back to and read because I’ve gotten a lot better but I’m still proud of it. Also the five main teens have such a special place in my heart and I’ll probably never be fully done with them. Also I think my only nano with a sequel?? (that took me like six years to write lmao)

Extinction Could be a Lot Worse (2012) - 300 years after global cataclysm, and humans have become a minority, giving rise to insect- and fish-humanoid hybrids known as Entosaps and Aquacrans. Arata is a kid with a guitar looking for one of the last major human settlements on earth. Featuring: half baked concepts, heavy handed and misguided messages about racism, and one actually decent speech at the end. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh I’ve never felt great about this one. It didn’t take me long after writing it to realize my messaging was super mixed and not as woke as I thought. Also like a few super problematic parts that make me cringe hard. Not the worst thing ever but not one I go back to.

How to be an Urban Legend (2013) - oh thank god the streak of straight protagonists has been broken. A really fun deuteragonist set up! Aliya is a party girl in need of a job. Morse is a down on her luck, awkward girl with a penchant for local urban legends. Each encounter Mackenzie Fylan, an urban legend known as a parsinct, a person who goes through overwhelming tragedy and emerges with supernatural abilities, and chaotic teleporter. Through a series of events the two girls uncover some peculiar goings ons in the basement of their office building. Featuring: a plot where like not a ton happens and a fun chapter naming convention. In the grand scheme of things an entirely okay story. Not a story with a ton of stakes but it marked a turning point in my writing as far as description writing and narration go. Aliya and Morse are an unstable couple, but I think I take a little too much joy in their dysfunction.

Scribed. (2014) - Most famous for not being finished, rip. In a world where writers are assigned particular individuals to “scribe” their lives, Ariel Hess accidentally discovers he’s being written about by the inexperienced scribe, Maiara Snow. It would’ve been a fun kind of breakdown and commentary on the stories we consume and the protagonists we choose to write about but it never quite made it off the ground (partially due to life being a lot that year). Featuring: really not much but some fun with style/formatting.

The Incredibly Consequential Life of Charlie Zappala (2016) - After having to skip 2015, this was a fun one to write. Also, chaotic cuz I dallied the first half of the month then ended up writing like 22k in 6 days. Charlie is a disillusioned 20-something who always thought they were made for something greater until real life came and beat them with a stick. That is, until an interdimensional elf herald pops out of their refrigerator and claims they’re the Chosen One. From there Charlie has to balance the world of their dreams with the world they know and figure out which is really meant for them. Featuring: first nonbinary protagonist and a whole lot of swearing. Charlie as a character is such an outlet for a lot of processing of what it means to be an adult in this day and age. I love them a lot. Of course, in the manic way the story was written the pacing is wonk and needs some work before it’s the best it can be. Also the only nanowrimo (save the unfinished ones) that never got a proper edit.

a.u. (2017) - HEY DID I MENTION THIS ONE WON AN AWARD. I’m sure I have. To go from no one reading my stories to now thousands of folks having checked this one out is A Lot but also probably one of the coolest things to ever happen to me. Damian is a fresh out of college fuck boy, Alexander is a hipster barista. They meet in a coffee shop, we all know what happens then, right? If by that you meant that a mysterious earthquake comes every morning to the coffee shop and leaves the two with the only memories of it happening, then yes, we all know what happens. A story meant to be an exploration of fan fiction tropes and AUs, but also with an underlying message of what it means to find yourself when the world around you is constantly changing (#kidswhomovedalotproblems). Very admittedly nervous that I was gonna come across as fetishizing mlm relationships just by nature exploring the typical “””””BL plot””””” so that’s probably what’s stopped me from out right asking people I know to read it haha. Featuring: boys kissing and some actually damn good analogies that I have yet to replicate. Did I mention it won an award? And currently has 30k reads?? Anyway read it online. No shame.

Road to Arcadia (2018) - Boy does this one have my whole heart. Set in a very nearby future (about 30 years) in a world where we did jack shit about climate change (so like current trajectory), Kai Gilling sets off to the desert to look for something better. On the way he encounters a pair of siblings and a woman who says she has a map to Arcadia, an urban legend rumored to be the only city thriving during these hellish times. Cue: desert road trip story. I’d been wanting to write a desert road trip story for ages and the route the characters follow is nearly identical to one my dad and I took on a road trip the preceding summer, so it all came together. Featuring: a main cast where none of the characters are cis/het and Jeep Wranglers. The letters Kai writes back home have some of my favorite writing and some raw emotion and thoughts from me. It’s not perfect in its execution and it doesn’t have the playfulness that a.u. has, but it’s really special to me. Also available online! (not as many reads tho working on that one)

EXCAVATOR: Tales from the Twelve Vessels (2019) - Probably my first real big step into hardcore sci-fi and another deuteragonist tale. In the future, out in the deep recesses of space, flies the jaundian coalition, a group of twelve spaceships housing orphaned races from across the universe, most notably the sapiens (ya humans) and the nkrey (kinda like a mix between grey aliens and high elves). The story follows Meera, a wide-eyed Idealist looking to work planetside and Sauk, a convicted criminal who would like to do not that. Shenanigans ensue. It’s definitely out of my comfort zone to write something in a world so unfamiliar and it was hard to do a nanowrimo story when half the time needed was for world building. Also still not fully finished to this day. I got the 50k but still have a lot left to write in terms of plot. Featuring: ALIENS and sassy teammates. One that I probably won’t know how to feel about until at least another year or so.

Thanks so much for reading!! And oh man I’m only scraping the surface of a lot of this. If you ever wanna know one thing I could talk forever about it’s my stories and characters.

[charamanders]

Did a slice and a half and I finally felt like a real fucking person again. Y'know until the pervasive guilt and self-loathing hit. I really do hate myself for what I did, because I've set back my recovery yet again. Still, I managed to run all these errands I'd been putting off and get legitimate work done, after I had the first bag and some caffeine in my system.

My gf was pleasantly surprised to see me puttering around the kitchen, making fejioada and listening to janelle monae, when she got in from work. I guess she expected me to still be in bed, either crying or binging netflix shows.

I got laundry done, went to home depot to both get some of the stuff I need for home repairs and priced a new stove, and paid the bills i needed to pay for the month of feb. I really don't want to tell her about what I resorted to in order to accomplish that shit, though.

I know how she can get, and I really don't want her to use my slip up as an excuse or a reason to relapse, especially since she hasn't used in almost a month, at least to my knowledge. I don't want my fuck up to become hers. I feel like I've screwed up her life enough without that.

I didn't even wanna use today as much as I wanted to be fucking functional for once. Without something other than acetaminophen for pain relief, I spend my time fucking bedridden from headaches, joint pain, anxiety, qnd executive dysfunction.

I know only some of that is from poorly managed lupus (damn do I need to see my rheumatologist), and most of it is from withdrawal. So if I stick it out, the withdrawal aspect, at least, will go away or drop off considerably.

But it's so hard doing that, letting my body & mind adjust, and spending several weeks with serious mood swings, anxiety, and sensory overload to the point where all I can do is sit and bed, shake, and have PTSD flashbacks to being raped in my own house.

That said, I also can't afford to spend a few weeks in detox, when I really need to keep going to work, and supervise house renovations. The faster I can get a security system installed here, the faster I can stop looking over my shoulder, being on high alert constantly, and wanting to use to modulate my emotions.

I'd consider outpatient detox, but the only thing they seem to want to give me in outpatient in terms of MAT is naltrexone. Naltrexone does nothing for the chronic pain and anxiety that drove me to start heavily abusing opiates in the first place, and I can't even use safe(r) substances like kratom for pain relief, because the naltrexone blocks its effects. Also if I take naltrexone less than 10 days after my last use of opioids or kratom, I go into precipitated withdrawal. Precipitated withdrawal is literally the worst thing I've been through in my entire life, which is saying a lot. I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy, that's how bad it is.

Ideally, I would get prescribed something like suboxone that doesn't leave me completely up a creek with no paddle, but I'm terrified of asking my psychiatrist about it, for fear that he'll tell me to go inpatient if I'm doing that poorly. He already hates prescribing me benzodiazepines, and I've been prescribed those since 2009, which means tapering off too fast could either send me into the DTs or kill me.

Ugh.

After today, I'm gonna try to stop using again, and try to stick to kratom and imodium to manage things. I've done it successfully before. I know I can do it. I don't want to be in constant physical and emotional pain, but I also don't want severe opi addiction to become my whole life again. I don't want to cause my gf to relapse with me, and I don't want to spend all my $ trying to cop and/or commuting to my connect.

Yeah, I only spent $10 on those 2 bags today, but I know how fast $10 can become $40 and even $100+ as I develop a tolerance for this garbage.

I think I'll go to an NA meeting tomorrow. I hate that higher power bullshit these 12 step programs push, 'cause after everything that's happened to me (the sexual assaults, the chronic pain, etc), I'm more mad at god than anything else, assuming the fucker even exists. But I need to be around people who understand and can empathize with what I'm going through. If nothing else, meetings are at least good for that.

I gotta get back on the right track.

I want to get back on the right track.

I know I can do it, I just have to commit to it again. If I can get through the first three days, it'll get a lot easier.

I got this. I got this.

[3w-writer-with-wings]

1, 5, 6, 10, 17, 19, 22, 23, and 34 for the yugioh meme?

1)  Favourite Yu-Gi-Oh! series

This is like asking me which out of my six children should survive while the other five die XD. I love all the series since they all have both pros and cons, and they all have interesting characters and stories, but I guess ARC V will always have a special place in my heart since it got me back in Yugioh fandom (I stopped after 5Ds for a while several years ago). VRAINS is currently my favourite series plotwise since it continues to surprise me and keeps me hyped every single week.

5)  Favourite opening/ending

For the opening, it’s a tie between second and fifth ARC V opening. “Burn” has an incredibly upbeat melody that makes me smile every time I listen to it. “Light of Hope” on the other hand tells a story of how there is despair but smiles will be there to make it go away. I’m rather torn between choosing either of them since they are both really nice endings. As for ending - “Close to You”, 4th ending from 5Ds. I first started watching 5Ds in English dub but once I caught up with it, I was too curious what is going to happen next so I started watching Japanese dub from that point on and that was probably the smartest decision ever. I got to see “Close to You” not only as the first Yugioh Japanese ending but the very first anime ending ever. I loved every single moment of it, of all the characters just chilling around the city, then meeting up, watching the sunrise and then riding D-Wheels with their dragons! It is an ending that is beyond perfect and really emphasises the bonds and friendship between all Signers. 

6)  Favourite character

If you had asked me this question before Takeru showed up, I would’ve probably blurted out the names of several characters and say how I love them all, but Takeru is a special case. You see, he is a character that I loved before he even officially appeared XD. I’m following the news, cast lists and summaries, so when Takeru showed up for the first time in an anime magazine (like a month before his official anime appearance), I fell in love with everything about him. Both his human self and avatar had all the right colours and designs that fit his personality well, his backstory was intriguing, I was already looking forward to seeing another Lost Child and out of all possible voices, he got to be voiced by one and only Kaji Yuuki (who is among my Top 3 anime voice actors!). Then he showed up in the new opening and ending and him being friendly and cosy with Yusaku was just plain adorable! I had no idea what his role was going to be but from that point it was clear - Yusaku is getting a new friend! And was his entrance perfect - lightning, fire tornado and then him! 10/10 Burner of Souls! Not only was he righteously hyped up, but he also continues to be amazing and I have a feeling his character will get even more development!    

10)  Favourite Duel Monster

It’s hard to pick a single monster, but I love every single card in Johan’s deck aka. Crystal/Gem Beast archetype. The designs are simple but so well executed and out of all of them, it’s hard to pick just one. I love their story, the legend and just the fact how much they all care about Johan, trying to reach out to him when Yubel possessed him. A big plus is also the fact how much personality they all have and they are always there to help up Johan.

17)  Have you ever cried over YGO and why?

You should’ve rather ask me when I didn’t lol. But yeah in every spinoff there was a moment that I actually cried. In original series there were two moments, when Yugi duelled Atem in the fourth season, letting him defeat him and then fading away in his arms and the Ceremonial duel when Yugi stumbled on his knees and cried, I cried with him cuz I also didn’t want Atem to go. Then in GX, it was basically whenever Judai would show vulnerability, cuz really, I hated his guts and his goofy overpowered persona. But then when he lost Johan, when he was afraid of Yubel, when he succumbed to the power of Supreme King and the entire season 4 when he was battling with depression - to see someone so cheerful becoming a mere shell of himself was so darn sad. 5Ds started darker but nothing could prepare me for two scenes, Yusei nearly dying, being afraid to duel and then watching his friend die in his arms and then losing another friend for real (Bruno! :’( ). Zexal made me cry a weird mixture of happy and sad tears whenever Yuma and Astral did something. When Astral sacrificed himself for Yuma I don’t know when I cried more - when Yuma watched Astral die or Yuma suffering from major depression for the next few episodes. But that scene when he got reunited with Astral was that more powerful because of it and their relationship is truly the purest of them all. ARC V, spinoff all about smiles was probably one of the saddest series, not just because of many sad moments throughout the whole thing aka. Yuto dying in Yuya’s arms for real, Yugo losing Rin, Yuya losing Yuzu, the fate of other Bracelet Girls and Yu-Boys and the overall ending, but also how inconclusive the ending felt. I kinda get the point was to show the realism of war, how not everyone can get a happy ending but it could still be executed better. Then there’s VRAINS…. *sighs* where do I even start with this….

VRAINS truly took the plotline seriously and doesn’t seem like it’s going to back down. It is like the writing staff put together a medley of the saddest moments in Yu-Gi-Oh! and were like, “Let’s make it sadder!”. From the fact that mere six-year-old children were tortured so badly, that Ryoken was so messed up by his father, that all Lost Children are still suffering in one way or another, that SOL practically killed a living being and all the drama that it’s going on between Yusaku and Kusanagi right now. Last week’s episode had me nearly tear up and for tomorrow I will most definitely cry. It’s just so painful to see someone so desperate to save their own family, to attack someone they were all set to protect just a few episodes ago… And VRAINS isn’t even over yet. I thought nothing could top Earth’s death scene, but from the looks of it, tomorrow will be getting a dose of the most painful feels.

19)  Least favourite series

It’s a tie between GX and the first series if I had to choose one. GX has a rather monotone first half when there is some stuff going on, but it’s really episodic and easily forgotten. While there were some interesting episodes, the rest was just one giant filler that tried to deliver too much nostalgia from the first series instead of developing on its own. And speaking of the first series - I know the card game wasn’t as developed at the time so tons of duels made absolutely no sense. Then it was only Yugi, Kaiba and Joey having the development and extremely long duels that were starting to feel off and annoying to watch. But overall - I know that was the very first series and the spinoff, so it was obvious it wouldn’t be perfect. What I truly love about Yu-Gi-Oh! is that it’s a franchise that continues to grow with every single spin-off, even if they’re becoming less relevant they are still getting stronger storywise.

22)  Least favourite character

This little brat is a perfect representation of how to create the most annoying character. Everything about him screams “annoying, useless and awful”. It would be completely fine if he was an episodic villain, but noooo for some reason writing staff was like, “hey let’s make this dude into Yuma’s friend”. I get it, Yuma can make friends easily, but for the love of God, why him?! Yuma has enough friends already, why bring this brat into his group? Tokunosuke has literally no purpose to be here but to cause trouble or be a plot device to bring Yuma trouble. Okay, I was fine with that one time that he got Yuma into trouble and Yuma still forgave him, but why the hell did they have a need to repeat that three more times? I feel the same way about Kotori - she has no basic purpose but to be moral support or act as a damsel in distress.ZEXAL had way too many characters and out of them all, they picked the most useless ones for major roles. 

23)  NOTP

Canon datastormshipping. I think I made it clear why I dislike it in two posts already, but I guess I could sum it up for the third time. In canon verse they are two unstable people who bring out the worst of each other. They rarely interact, their ideologies are vastly different and they are in a way obsessed with each other in a very unhealthy way. If the two of them dated it would most likely result in a very toxic relationship which would only worsen up their already broken mental states. Again, I greatly dislike this ship in canon verse (in anime up to episode 92) and my opinion could change by the end of VRAINS. I still like the fanfics and fanarts that depict “what if” scenarios where their relationship could work (I’m actually writing one at the moment and I have plans to write one where I focus on their relationship in detail), but canon shipping just feels off and dysfunctional.

34)  If you met Kazuki Takahashi, what would you say to him?

First of all, I would thank him for coming up with those amazing characters and plotlines. I still love the original manga and season 0 the most since it had so much creativity with different games, but I can see it keep getting included more with new summoning methods and unique stories. Then I would most likely present him my idea for the 7th series and its protagonist. From the start of the series, there wasn’t much about card game production or who designs them. We got some info on how Pegasus discovered Millenium Items and the tablet with Egyptian Gods and in GX it showed Hayato working as a card game designer. I would love to see a protagonist who loves games just like Yugi and wishes to create more, so he strives to become the best card game designer. He is not that keen on playing the game since he prefers to make the cards more, but when he creates a particular card(kinda like how Takato created Guilmon in Digimon Tamers) he is pulled into an adventure where he must find other cards that contain powerful Duel Monsters spirits and he has to lock them back into their cards. I would also love to have a protagonist that can talk with spirits again since while Judai had adorable interactions with Winged Kuriboh and Neo Spacians, it was still largely brushed aside and not that much explored. So yeah please make the next protagonist into a card game designer, it will be unique and open to so many interesting plotlines and potentials. 

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[head-and-heart]

The 100 Highlights - “Damocles: Part 2″ (5x13)

Hey guysssssss. 

I’m back to cover my final highlight recap for Season 5. After this, I’ll be going more in-depth on analysis/criticism of the overall season so enjoy this lighthearted blundering while you can. :)

To read other posts in this series, you can click here. 

Tree is really out here (as always) doing his best work. The score during the opening sequence this episode was *kisses fingers*

I have to say that I did enjoy Bellamy protecting Madi in various ways throughout the finale. He promised Clarke that he would, and it feels like he’s living up to that promise. First by stepping in front of her to protect her from Octavia, and then later when he told her “we’ll be right beside you”, ensuring that he would have her back the entire time. And that he would be there to advise her whenever she needs his help.

“Now we win.” Lousy shot. Ha. Sorry, but that was hot.

“You’ll never know your daughter.” Good. Fucking. Riddance.

“We’ve been here before, Madi. We were the criminals. The 100.” I get weak for any reference to the original hundred what can i say i’m a starving woman

“You can execute them because they’re the enemy, or you can break the cycle. You can be better than them. You can be better than us.”

I do like the theme of Season 5 being about breaking the cycle. Let’s hope that the writers really do mean that when they say it.

I also enjoy the return of motivational speeches Bellamy. Madi may have been the figurehead throughout this episode, but it was really Bellamy leading the way. He may have changed, but he’s still the heart. He still inspires people, and I’m glad that he got to the be the one to have this moment where he changed the tide of the war. It felt like a nice wrap up of his journey over the course of “Book One”.

“We’ll wait as long as we can.” “Deja vu.” MONTY IS THE ONLY REAL ONE HERE. My first thought when Raven said that line was “oh ffs not this again”. 

I did enjoy the parallel of Monty saving Murphy’s life like Murphy did in 4x13. 

“First we save their lives. Then we let them prove they deserve it.” “The commanders told you that?” “No. Bellamy.” aksqinsks first lemme laugh at Clarke’s skepticism about the flame telling Madi to spare them because that bitch KNOWS that they would never be so noble lmao. Second lemme appreciate my crumbs.

I mean ... I guess we finally know how the radio calls were addressed???

Clarke’s hopeful little smile when Bellamy sat down next to her on the ship was really cute. She looks so guilty and nervous. Eliza raised millions for the Blarkes in this episode.

“THAT’S BRILLIANT!” Me, every single time Bellamy Blake speaks. Thank you for the enthusiasm, Clarkey G.

Bellamy and Clarke are so, so, so awkward in this scene between them but it kind of feels like ... the start of something? Like, they both have made huge mistakes and still found it in them to forgive each other despite it. And now they know how much the other cares for them. I have to hope that it means they’re going to move forward. For real, this time. How they’re supposed to.

“You’re not mad at me for leaving you in Polis?” “The commander told me not to be.” Anyway, Bellamy’s jokes still suck and Clarke still laughs at them so ... some things never change?

“I’ll meet you on the bridge.” That was a weighted fucking look, my dudes. I liked that Bellamy thought to include Clarke. It felt like an apology, in a way. 

Also, WAS THAT THE S5 BELLARKE THEME I HEARD IN THAT SCENE. Cause if so, it’s fucking beautiful.

THAT LOOK BETWEEN THE BLAKES. BOB AND MARIE HAVE SO MUCH CHEMISTRY.

“Cheer up. I wasn’t invited either.” I LOVE A WOMAN

“Your mistake was liking it. Power. It’s the kiss of death. It’s okay. I liked it, too.” Ivana and Marie are both such compelling actresses and HEY LOOK THEY GOT CHEMISTRY. I honestly really enjoyed this short scene between the two of them. They were enemies and yet - no hard feelings. Because the war wasn’t personal to them. We didn’t get many scenes between Charmaine and Octavia this season (or obvious reasons) but I’m intrigued to see if we’ll get more in Season 6 because they work really naturally together. And they seem to understand something about each other (or, at least, Charmaine understands something about Octavia). 

Bellamy and Clarke leading the meeting on the ship ... it felt like old times. I really loved that everyone looked to them for guidance in that scene, despite everything that happened throughout the rest of the season. Gives me hope that we might (finally !) get that co-leading dynamic back in Season 6, especially since they were the two that will be informing the others of Monty and Harper’s discovery. 

Bellamy, in particular, gave me serious Chancellor vibes in that episode. He really stepped into his leadership boots this season, especially near the end there. 

Dear god, please get rid of that goddamn flame as a viable form of leadership. If anyone from Eligius starts following it next season I’m calling B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. Let Bellamy and Clarke lead, dammit! 

Also ... Zeke looked to Bellamy for permission to speak. Not the Commander. So jot that down, honey’s.

“And Bob’s your uncle.” “I thought you hated that phrase.” “It’s growing on me.” STOP this was cute (and now i’m cryingggggg cause that was Monty and Raven’s last interaction ever)

Clarke taking the bindi off of Madi. 10/10 great scene, let’s burn it now.

Marie in that tank top ... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm where’s the nearest bucket of holy water

“Kind of like closing the door in the floor.” “Kind of like that.” I liked this callback. Octavia is soft with Bellamy in this scene in a way we haven’t really seen all season. It’s ... oddly nice? Coming from someone who has never cared for Octavia.

“You’re my sister, and a part of me will always love you.” “Does the other part of you still wish I was dead?” “The other part wishes a part of you was. Yeah.”

OKAY. I really liked this scene for a couple of reasons. The first being that I think it clarifies the line from 5x12 where Bellamy tells O that he wishes she was dead A LOT. It basically confirms that Bellamy was referring to the part of Octavia that is blodreina, which doesn’t feel as out of character (whereas Bellamy wishing for his sister’s death did). 

I also really like that, even though Octavia tells Bellamy that she loves him and he tells her that he loves her, too, he doesn’t forgive her. Bellamy and Octavia feel like they are finally on the road to establishing healthy boundaries and burying their dysfunctional relationship in place of building something new. I’ve always wanted this to be textual on the show and I never anticipated that we might actually get it. What they did with the Blakes this season is probably one of my favourite things to come out of the season.

And, as always, Marie and Bob are stunning together. This is a large part of the reason that I’m actually okay with Octavia surviving this season, because they work so damn well together.

I feel like Tree doesn’t get enough credit for his work so I have to mention, again, how beautiful the score was during that scene. He elevates the show so much with his music. In the scene where Clarke and Bellamy woke up, alone, it had such an eery feel to it. I really liked it.

Ngl, my FAVOURITE moment in this entire episode was Bellamy and Clarke’s soft-ass fucking smiles when Bellamy’s pod opened. Like, Clarke’s face when she was watching Bellamy wake up? A BITCH IS IN LOVE. And Bellamy was so soft too ughhhhhhhh Platonic Excellence

“Hey.” “Hey.” HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

LISTEN. BELLAMY BLAKE DESERVES TO WAKE UP TO CLARKE LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE MORNING FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE OKAY? OKAY I’M GLAD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

...

I’m a Big Fan. They’re so fucking cute. That was so domestic. How do I move on?

“Why is it just us?” I literally stood up and yelled “BECAUSE IT’S FATE DUMBASS”

“That’s the way mom and dad wanted it.” I stan my new Bellarke warrior 

“Can I just say that - wow - I mean, I can’t tell you how good it is to finally meet you. Weird, but good. Great, actually.” WHY IS THIS LITERALLY ME WHEN I MET BOB AND ELIZA 

ALSO JORDAN IDOLIZING BELLAMY AND CLARKE? RELATABLE. THIS WOULD 100% BE ME IF I GOT TO MEET THEM

“Who are you?” WHY THE FUCK AM I LAUGHING. Bellamy is so intense and he’s got his deep voice and he’s wearing his intimidation face and him and Clarke are both looking at Jordan like “what the actual fuck is going on” and then there’s Shannon Kook with his adorable fucking smile and his adorable fucking voice and he’s literally a bundle of sunshine and these two people are just glaring at him. BELLAMY, CLARKE, SWEETIES, PLAY NICE THAT IS YOUR GODSON YOU ARE TALKING TO

“My name. Right. I didn’t tell you my name. Sorry. I haven’t met anyone before, so clearly I suck at it.” Reason #2 for Jordan being the most relatable character ever. I, too, am the most horridly awkward human in the world. Step aside, Clarkey G, I think I’ve found my TRUE self-insert on this show.

Monty and Harper are just the loveliest couple on this show. I never anticipated how much I would love them when they hooked up in Season 3. Wow. It was really nice to get all of those shots of them in peacetime, just loving each other, on the ship - especially after how little screentime they got throughout the rest of the season. Also, I swear that Shannon has a mixture between Monty and Harper’s smiles. What is this sorcery?

“Smart like his father.” “Kind like his mum.” CAN YOU HEAR ME CRYING ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE ON EARTH 

(Also ... sounds like my new damn favourite character.)

“Hey Bellamy ... hey Clarke.” WTF MY EYES ARE SWEATING

“Wait ... take care of our boy.” Listen, Jordan. Madi failed me. I’m counting on YOU to parent trap them. Okay? Okay.

But seriously, the fact that Monty and Harper trusted Bellamy and Clarke to take care of their kid, that they wanted it to be them ... is A Lot. I’m excited to see how that goes in Season 6. 

When Jordan opened the window and the new planet appeared and the music started swelling I got fucking shivers. Holy hell. It was so beautiful. TREE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME 

“Can you see it? Is it beautiful? It is in my dreams. I hope we do better there. I hope Jasper was wrong and we aren’t the problem. I hope your lives there will be as happy as mine has been. Be the good guys. May we meet again.”

GUYS THOSE WORDS FROM MONTY ARE FUCKING EVERYTHING

LIKE, THESE ARE THE EMOTIONAL BEATS THAT THE REST OF SEASON 5 HAS BEEN MISSING

This is honestly the first real time where I’ve had hope that they might actually break the cycle. That they might build something new. Its the end of an era, but it feels like the start of something new. I genuinely cannot predict what is going to happen on that planet. Which is a new feeling. And I like it.

And of fucking course it would be Monty and Jasper (and Harper) who are responsible for breaking that cycle. Of course. This is the best thing they could have done with Jasper’s memory, is sending Monty on this mission to do better for the rest of humanity. And this is the best send-off I ever could have asked for for any character. Monty and Harper have been with us since the beginning. It just feels right that they should get this ending, that they should be the ones who usher in the next generation of The 100. Like. Wow. I’m speechless.

Also, that Bellarke side hug was er nice. That’s the most domestic they have ever looked. Idc. Bellamy staring at the Earth alone on the Ark in 4x13 and 5x01 vs him staring at the new planet with Clarke at his side is the ONLY parallel I claim.

The final shot of them through the window with the planet reflected around them was STUNNING. Honest to god the most beautiful shot I think this show has ever done. 

“End Book One” on Bellamy and Clarke, together, staring at the new world and the new hope they will deliver to their people. Maybe that’s what the first five seasons were really about. Bringing them to this place, where they are staring at the future - side by side, as a unit, ready to face whatever comes next.

Fuck. 

I have to say that I enjoyed the second half of that episode way more than the first half. I feel like it had a lot of emotional beats that I really wanted to see throughout the season (that we just weren’t getting) and it also teed up a lot for the next season. I’m so intrigued by what they’re going to find down on that planet, and I’m excited for the writers to really break the cycle and build something new - hopefully something that involves more character moments. 

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to continue with this series in Season 6, but stay tuned! I hope you enjoyed reading all of my recaps throughout this season. It’s been a ride ahaha. See ya on the other side, folks. 

[rnoonpie]

i’m born and raised southern california and YEP we sure as fuck had a 6th grade camp, and i’m gonna tell you a long, boring, and pointless story about that under the cut

So to preface, I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 3, which should give you an idea of just how bad I was, if you’ve ever met a neurotypical three-year-old. It also doesn’t really need saying that academia was ALWAYS a rough ride for me; I had combination hyperactivity AND inattentive type, so getting me through school was like herding cats. By 2002, when I reached the 6th grade, even though I’d been medicated for years and even saw an ADHD specialist pediatrician on the regular to help me manage and function, I struggled immensely. 

I had executive dysfunction, a selective attention span, misophonia, an overabundance of energy, and racing thoughts. My grades were failing, largely due to incomplete or outright missing homework, and it was quite a real possibility that I would have to repeat 6th grade. 

My mom was forced to give me an ultimatum: if I didn't get my grades up by sixth grade camp the next semester, I didn't get to go. Naturally, this was a fucking devastating prospect. I wanted to go more than anything! My older brother had gone two years before me and had had an amazing time, and I loved camping and nature. I would also be free of the stresses and confines of the classroom for a whole glorious week.

Failure wasn’t an option. It was a fucking ordeal for me; most nights I had to have my mom standing over me at the kitchen table like the Homework Police to literally make sure I was doing my homework, because otherwise I just wouldn’t do it. There were many close calls, but through blood, sweat, and tears, I got my grades up. My mom kept close contact with my teachers, making sure I was remembering to turn in the homework that she had so painstakingly gotten me to do, and confirmed that my grades were up. I was in the clear.

And then. 

AND THEN. 

THE DAY BEFORE THE TRIP, I FUCKING CAME DOWN WITH BRONCHITIS. 

I had a fever, I was hacking my lungs out, my throat was on fire, I had chills... it was a BAD TIME. My mother absolutely knew that she could not send me to camp like this. In the Spring 2003 school semester in which this took place, it was like February or March or something; in any case, it wasn’t yet actually Spring. It was miserably cold, and rainy to boot, and there were plenty of viruses running round the school circuits like wild beasts. I’d just happened to develop one of the nastier ones, and she couldn't send me and risk infecting other kids with it. 

But my whole WORLD fell apart, my dude. I was fucking destroyed; I had worked so fucking hard only to get sick, like some cruel cosmic joke from god himself, but I wasn’t laughing. I remember waking up that morning feeling like shit and bursting into tears, already knowing my fate. I cried so much, even though I already had no voice.

My mother felt horrible. She knew how hard I’d worked. She’d wanted me to get better so I could have good grades, advance to the next year, and most of all, go to Sixth Grade Camp just like my brother had, where all my friends were going. She hated to see me so broken and miserable after I’d made such an honest effort.

Against her better judgment, she let me go. 

I imagine she loaded me up with cough medicine and antibiotics beforehand, because I was still feeling under the weather when we got on the bus from the school that morning, but well enough to walk and move around and carry a backpack. My mom still told my homeroom teacher I wasn’t feeling well, asked her to keep an eye on me.

Sixth Grade Camp was supposed to be four or five days -- it was meant to take up the whole week. I, in my poor health, only managed to stay one night. 

I honestly don’t remember much. I know I wasn’t the only kid who showed up sick, and plenty of us got dreadfully ill during the trip. I think I remember hearing that about a third of us ended up having to go home, so I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t the only one who missed out. I remember going on one nature hike and being pretty achey the whole time, but I was in good spirits and enjoyed myself anyway. We had “beef stroganoff” for dinner, which in hindsight was just egg noodles and Hamburger Helper, but after hiking in the mountains all day, coughing my lungs out in the bitter cold, it was the most delicious thing I’d ever eaten in my young life, and made a lasting impression on me.

By the time evening fell, my poor, sick little 11-year-old body couldn’t take any more, and my fever returned with a vengeance. I went to bed early while my classmates made s’mores and did nighttime activities. My homeroom teacher watched over me in the cabin that night (Thank you, Mrs. Keever, I’ll never forget that) and the next day, my mom came driving all the way out to wherever our camp was to come pick me up. 

I think I remember crying in the minivan at some point on the way home. We’d tried, we really had. I also think my mom was feeling like complete shit about it all -- that she shouldn’t have let me come, because it would have come to this either way, and that I’d become sick after wanting this so badly. Damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. At least I’d gotten a taste of my victory.

When I came back to school the next week, my classmates gave me a t-shirt from the camp that had been signed by all the counselors, wishing me to get well soon. It was probably one of the most touching gifts I’d ever gotten, and over time and excess wear, the Sharpie signatures faded away, and the Outdoor School logo peeled off. It meant a lot to me, and it was one of the only keepsakes I had of that short-lived trip. (They’d also given me a water bottle and a keychain, but the shirt was what did me in)

I warned you that this was a long, boring, and pointless story, but I felt like telling it anyway. There’s not really a moral to it, and maybe the only entertainment value comes from the cruel irony of working my ass off only to get teabagged by bronchitis in the end. Maybe there is a lesson or two in there somewhere -- you can’t always get what you want, I’d still worked my ass off and earned my trip even if I hadn’t gotten sick, and I had that accomplishment to be proud of. Life is chaos. Kids are kind. My homeroom teacher was a lovely woman. My mom tried her best to balance making me happy and keeping my best interests in mind.

It’s been 17 years since then, and it feels like a lifetime ago. Ya live and learn!

If you're American will you reblog this with where you grew up and wether or not they had sixth grade camp. I grew up in southern California and every class in sixth grade would take a field trip and go to a camp for a week and this is absolutely bewildering my wife cause she's never heard of sixth grade camp

[typologycentral]

[Fi] Bloody Fi purge! Your inferior cousin needs some dominant and auxiliary guidance.

To preface: I love you XNFPs and unbeknownst to me, always have. For one, it's been edifying and validating to see some of my all-time favorite humans (writers, musicians, actors, thinkers, etc...) being typed as XNFP. Even before learning about typology and gaining a deeper understanding of Jungian cognitive functions, I was actively working on (what I now know to be) Fi development because a lack of it had reaped much unnecessary hardship onto my life. Therefore, I think that conscientious journey led me to people that embodied their Fi with vigor and authenticity and helped me get in touch with my own, for which I am eternally grateful. And now on to the issue at hand (this is a long read but I'm trying to give relatively detailed information that might help you to help me): For a little under a decade, since high school, I've had an on and off, pseudo-platonic, quasi-romantic, eternal soulmate, occasional f-buddy relationship with this ebullient, effervescent, deeply insightful, dreamy eyed, pixie warrior priestess (INFP) that, in my relatively short life, has always stood a mile apart from the "Gone Girl/Cersei Lannister/Elle Driver/Cookie Lyon/Harley Quinn/Akasha, Queen of the Damned" fare I've usually attracted [strike]...and been equally attracted to[/strike]. Our first interaction was a classroom debate turned bloodstained duel to the death over the ethics of eating animals (I swear on the atom, this is not a utilization of an NFP stereotype lol). Something clicked (energy + angst + lust + social isolation + troubled pasts), and from there, this happened > I'd never before intimately known someone who had the chasm of incongruously layered emotionality she possessed--ostensibly she experienced feelings in a plethora of shades from eggshell, hunter green, and cobalt blue to neon yellow and not only that, could verbalize them as such. Meanwhile, I only had ready access to basic black, white, red (all degrees of rage), grey, and at my best, a metallic gold. Though wholly confounding, maddening and taxing to me, I had never felt more woke and unchained and set free. It was intoxicating to experience a wider array, a more diverse palette of feelings. I obviously never reached her depths, patterns and colors, but even experiencing a trifle more than I was previously accustomed to felt like a massive, tectonic plate moving, internal shift. She saw me shed an actual, solitary tear once under extreme duress but in better times, just by staring into my eyes and smiling on a whim she could easily make me mist up with soul purifying relief, which was a gargantuan, almost incomprehensible feat for lesser mortals and I truly honestly never before felt so connected to someone on a level that was nigh impossible to articulate in a rational way. And particularly when she was sad and grieving (probably because of me), which often left me feeling inadequate because I was too emotionally dumb and powerless to effectively help--which, in and of itself, beset me with very real, very potent, personal "trigger" landmines. Especially back then, I neither spoke of nor experienced emotions with great affect. I understood them cognitively and intellectually, but to actually engage them with my "heart" felt like a blind man wading neck-deep in cement. My take on our biggest, most immediate problem aside from all the other reasons this union was likely to fail? We just spoke completely different cognitive "languages (Ni vs Si? Dom Fi vs Inferior Fi? Dom Te vs. Inferior Te?)" that always created endless communication gaffs, roadblocks and nuclear disasters. For example: Pixie: "Did I see you at Starbucks earlier today with Cersei f%#king Lannister when you were supposed to be at a study group?" Me: "That was the study group." Pixie: *heart imploding with the force of a billion suns* "Why didn't you tell me that?" Me: *blistering dispassion with a hint of exasperated bemusement* "Look, our past relationship is just that, in the past. You have nothing to feel insecure about. It was harmless, only work. You know I love you." Pixie: "That's not what I asked you! Stop lying and trying to hide and sugarcoat things! You know I hate that brother f%#king bitch! Why didn't you tell me you were going to see her? Me: *voice box shredding like the Hulk's Capri pants* "Because that was fucking irrelevant. She was put in a group with me! Her strategy to double-cross Dany and Jon will fall to shit, for Christ sakes. Are you happy now? You always focus on the wrong thing!" She always wanted to know the exact details behind what actually happened in a very direct, matter of fact way (perhaps to refine the many possibilities she generated for why I would withhold supposedly important information from her), whereas I always instinctively and immediately went to why I did something or the "why" concerning the underlying problem, because the "why," the deeper meaning (should and theoretically, in my mind) supersedes anything else, and especially when problem solving and coming up with a viable solution imo. Ultimately, it just didn't work. Idiotically yet idealistically, we wouldn't let that stop us. We broke up and got back together a few times before deciding that we were better off as this nebulous, ill defined glob of corrupted love and unresolved daddy/mommy abandonment issues that maybe one day might actually not fall apart at the seams just as it's getting good again. The whole idea and its subsequent execution was dysfunctional, unhealthy, ridiculous and plain ol stupid, but I gather this was us trying to be intense, brooding and deep. Dunno exactly. We'd go on to see other people and sometimes, in between relationships, link up again. Usually we couldn't reach a year and a half before we wound up back in the other's arms/bed. Moving on. She experienced a tragedy (by her standards) about 3 years ago while I was literally on the opposite side of the planet and whereas I would've normally come flying to her aid with an S on my chest, I made the conscious choice not to. Already enduring my ascent to power (lol) being stifled because of my brokedown Fi usage as it pertains to my burgeoning career, I resented yet another unwieldy force (Pixie) possessing that type of influence over me as well; I defiantly chose self-interest above anyone or anything else (like I'm instinctively wont to do, right or wrong, good or bad). She kept trying to reach me to the point of flooding all of our communication channels with emotional spam (from childish antics to vile, unforgivable diatribes). After a while, I felt bad, decided to reach out to her but was ignored for 2.5 years straight. That had never happened before--it broke our unspoken rule, which devastated me more than I realized. I grieved (rather poorly by over-utilizing Se), but eventually tucked it away, moved on and focused on work. I figured we were never meant to be anyway but that I would still love her (from afar) and wish her the best regardless. Lo and behold, she called me last night out of nowhere, drunkenly seeping concentrated pain, spewing regret, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, hatred and then love for me. She says, through tears, that she's still in love with me and wants to know if there's any chance for an "us." I felt terrible and thoroughly confused. I tried to listen and be supportive (my Te is completely inept at properly addressing/handling others' intense feelings)--I just don't naturally "speak" emotions in an unforced, compassionate, empathetic, organic manner. I'm better than I used to be but I was blindsided, taken aback and don't think I did much good. Honestly, I don't need or want this in my life right now; I'm so engrossed in my work and achieving my goals and going by what she was saying over the phone, she's still stuck in past patterns of dysfunction. I don't want that anymore. But I truly do care for her and want her to be well and happy--just not with me and not right now, at least. I hate that she is suffering but I don't know what, if anything, I should/could do to remedy this. And now, finally, here are my questions to you smart, capable, helpful people*/**: 1. When you are expressing your feelings (whether "good" or "bad"), what is the best way to respond to this that will make you feel heard, understood and validated? 2. When overcome with negative feelings that seem too powerful and unrelenting, how do you self-soothe (using safe + legal methods)? 3. Is there anyway I can speak my truth and tell her honestly where I'm at and what I want at this point in my life without further hurting her? Should I do it regardless or is it better to wait for when she's more stable? 4. Tangent, now that I have you > How do you know what you value? (Is that a stupid question? lol) I think I know what I value ("money-power-respect," knowledge, meaning/substance, fairness, justice, individuality) but it can be hard to finesse on the spot (when asked) and not come off as crude and unrefined. Do you spend a lot of time going over in your mind what is meaningful and significant to you, or do you just know somehow? (like how I seemingly "know" and intuit stuff via introverted intuition) To those who made it all the way to the end, thank you. I would really really really really appreciate some help. I have very few people in my life I trust to give me strong emotions related advice and none of them are XNFPs. Their emotions are just as trash and poorly developed as mine are. lol *Obviously, there are a multitude of ways that people respond to these things that exclude type but I'm looking for any and all variations, particularly from XNFPs and anyone else who can provide insight. **And I will shamelessly bump this thread until I obtain the breadth of insight I seek. :shrug: https://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93755&goto=newpost&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

[toyfrog]

A Rotting Fish Always Starts At The Head. Blacklist Breakdown...

There’s no easier way to say it. When an audience is forced [or conditioned] to sympathize with a failed protagonist, and your audience says “F-You”, and your ratings reflect it, admit your mistake because your show is pretty much done. This episode had four writers on it. not one, four, and the cookie cutter execution speaks for itself.

This is my last breakdown of this show. I cannot stomach plot driven storytelling. Its all about fitting square pegs into round holes. The answer is simple, but when too many chefs argue over a simple recipe on how to prepare Fish n Chips, your food critic drops their napkin and dines across the street.

The Rotting Fish starts at the head.

The Show Runner.

This is all on the show runner. Writers Room do as he asks. and apparently the has been no longer has energy or inspiration to write but plot. Reminds me of another show runner that I used to but heads with. My friend still works on his show and is in fact, “the cleaner”. He mops up every plot driven story, tweaks it in order to save face just for emmy submission.

But audience and the writers know, after the story is retconned over and over, they stop caring. Its just a job, a paycheck if you will to get food o the table. Show runner loses the respect of the writers and the cast once they're forced to stifle creativity. In this case, its Plot driven Liz vs. S1 Liz. Its Eisendrath’s Liz vs Bokenkamp’s Liz. Its Lukas Reiter’s Keen 2 Vs his Keenler. and when you have story placement like this:

Tom/Liz discussing Redemption spin off...

Red drop in scene with Harold making Liz the victim and her shooting the attorney general was Red’s fault? You're deliberately pushing two agendas. Blacklist audience loves Red. Its what the show markets. They market the unwavering task force. But they don’t give Red or the task force a voice: just a plot line and its painfully obvious to anyone who’s taken masterclass in screenwriting, script format, editing, directing, that this show has no identity anymore. When that happens, you have no reason to watch. Perhaps thats Eisendrath’s goal? IF it is, then Id consider Season 4 the last of the Blacklist. I don’t think they'll get a full Season 5 and it may not return till January of Next year. Its just that dismal. The BTS drama has now officially spilled into the show.

Not. Good.

Liz: [The most useless protagonist after forcing her to be married to an irredeemable character, and regressing her to a one dimensional self serving teen with a baby. This writing is so childish. Serves no purpose at all except to create phony sympathy for two characters who did this to themselves.]

Liz: When you were a little baby, you lived in a warehouse. And we had bodyguards. Say hi, Baz. And inside the warehouse was... a fake apartment! [Writers using the baby for a filler scene that has no meaning except to make Keen 2 acceptable sympathetic? Sorry, I don’t.] Oh, look! It's your [Fake] daddy in your fake living room. Hey, here's Daddy wondering how much damage we've done to our sweet little girl. [Yes writers TELL US HOW TOM FEELS. Number one rule in story telling is SHOW not tell but they cannot do that because that takes time and imagination and CHARACTER writing and the show is in plot format like when Tom killed the harbormaster. Like I'm supposed to have sympathy for a man who murders innocent people because its all for Liz. Liz is a villain now thanks to Tom. a selfish villain Give this baby up for adoption and be done with it.] Well, it'll make for an intriguing college essay. [If they truly cared about their child, they would've given her up. they don’t they use that baby to create sympathy. Yes writers YOU DID THIS.]

 Tom: Yeah. So, I know we're moving out, but just a quick gut check here. [Its called reminding the audience this is the main storyline, we are wrapping it up the disastrous arc that was only written to steal the keenler baby and push Eggold and the spinoff. The longer this dialogue continues, the more audience turns against them.] Kirk is gone. But according to Reddington, he's, what, dead? Not dead? [this conversation serves zero purpose. filler and an excuse to give Eggold a lead story. it doesn’t work.]

 Liz: He's definitely not in jail. I don't know. 

 Tom: With Reddington, I don't assume anything. He kept you from getting answers about who your father is.[Bad Reddington! Bad!! He’s the evil one. Audience goes...Are you Effing kidding me? After all he's done for her. Filler dialogue for Redemption. I’ll just say it. These people don’t know how to write a spin off. They know what NOT to do. Plot written for 12 months. I give up seriously.]

 Liz: You're the one that told me that's in my past. [You told me how to think. You told me how to feel. You told me what I should do. Liz cannot think for herself because she is in PLOT MODE.]

 Tom: I know, and it is. But I don't know. [Tom going against Liz. Ah how nice. Notice who’s the LEAD OF THE SHOW NOW? Its not Liz and hasn’t been since 311. Do as I say not as I do. Tom can dictate, no one else can. There must be one or two writers that literally behave like this in real life because I don’t think they realize how dysfunctional this all is. And WTF a RED HEADED BABY? CRUEL.] Maybe now that I'm a dad, [why don’t they ever say “father?” I mean my son says “now that I’m a father. Odd choice of words.] I'd... be lying if I said I didn't wonder who my father is. [See? ]

 Liz: That's totally understandable. And another day, I might feel differently, [So Liz is still wishy washy. Go Tom, leave us so you can meet your father. Then come back to us because we need you to screw up the show. I can lay bets when editors are reading this crap…they are scratching their eyeballs there hasn’t been genuine dialogue in 12 months. This is pure fan fiction of the worst kind. Let that sink in.]  but this is our present and our future. That's all that matters. [Yup. Manipulate with a baby. That means no reason for 80% of the audience to watch this show.]

 Yeah. That and getting her into a good college. 

Yeah. Let's start by finding her a place to live. She needs to be able to open up her living room windows and see the sun. [She not WE. Plot point.] Hmm. [ Sighs ] We all do. [We all do Liz? It is difficult having sympathy for a character who doesn’t give a shit about anyone. Just….is.]

And here’s the rewrite.

Cooper:  We spent months hunting for Alexander Kirk at your instance. [No Eisendrath’s insistence to make Tom this wondrous lead. All it did was lower the ratings. I see no change there.] The man is responsible for the deaths of FBI agents, the abduction of Elizabeth and her daughter. –[Notice what is missing here? Cooper’s Navabi’s Ressler’s Aram’s and Red’s rage against Liz. Liz once again is scott free thanks to Plot audience’s feelings not expressed on screen. When audience cannot relate, they shut it off.]

 Red: You're upset.

 Cooper: You're damn right I'm upset. You let him go. And worse, it's clear to me now that was your intent all along. You played us. [Like Harold hasn’t figured this out after 4 years? When is this FBI task force going to get wise and not be the Dummy? Oh gee, that was last year they had that opportunity and Eisendrath trashed it.]

Red: Harold, my objective was to keep Elizabeth and her child safe. I've done that. We've done that. [Yes Liz never thanked ANYONE. No real remorse. ] Alexander Kirk is gone, and he won't be back.[ Gee, they never should’ve created him last season in the first place and derail the real arc.] It's time to move on. [THIS IS THE LINE I HATE THE MOST IN PLOT DRIVEN FORMAT> AUDIENCE MOVE ON ITS OVER BULLSHYT! Bradley Bell’s {ah yes the spats, the arguments and he still has a friend of mine cleaning up his [plot driven, jump the shark, writing characters into corner messes on the Bold and the Beautiful] favorite go to line to give his audience amnesia. What you saw, did not happen….move on…SMDH The formula alienates a viewing audience like a fart in the wind.]

Red: [Here comes the plot driven story. You know this because its Like Kings of the Highway. Has no bearing on the main stories. If it did, Red would be involved in Samar’s plight. He isn’t. If it were Liz and Red would have scenes. They don’t. This entire episode is filler and uses the task force as a B story to redirect wait for it PLOT! ] Last night, a seafood processing plant in Maryland was attacked by armed commandos. Local authorities suspect rogue employees were secretly using the facility to package and distribute narcotics. But you know better. 

Cooper: Now that you mention it, I do. Seven supposed employees were killed in the attack. Photos were circulated to law enforcement trying to connect them to the drug trade. How did you get this? [Who cares how he got it, it has nada to do with him.]

Red: You're not looking at a seafood processing plant employee, nor a drug dealer. That is Hassan Arkani.

Cooper: The terrorist? From Algeria? You're telling me one of the most wanted terrorists on the planet was conducting a secret operation out of the back room of a Maryland fish factory? [SHOW DON’T TELL. It’s not hard.]

Red: You see? No time to dwell on the past. [Bullshyt. If I were Spader, I’d not show up to work until they fixed this garbage. No Inspiration, writers block for 12 months. Pathetic.] If my people hear anything, I'll contact Agent Keen.

 [Why? What’s the point? She should be reaching out to HIM after all this. this is so plot driven. Bokenkamp wants to take it to S1 Day one except Keen 2 now have a kid and just forget all those people tom killed or all the people Liz and Tom used...youre supposed to care about the long suffering duo. Audience goes...1.0]

Cooper: Agent Keen. Did you forget her agent status was revoked? [This is Young and the Restless Soap Opera repetitive style dialogue. This is seriously, not good. They even have the “another day” wait till they say, “oh the other day?” Unreal. PLOT PLOT PLOT. Harold and everyone called Liz Agent in Esteban. Lousy Lousy execution.]

Red: I did not forget that, or the plea agreement I worked out with Laurel Hitchin that kept her out of jail after she shot your Attorney General. 

[Oh yes, this episiode is a TOTAL REWRITE. I wasn’t sure at first but it is. This is what you state redirecting story, remind the audience of what they saw. If this were truly part of the episode, you would’ve seen flashbacks of Red and Liz signing her plea deal. This is pure drop into the dialogue to change direction]

Cooper: You don't want to dwell on the past, then dwell on this-- the loss of her badge was a stain on Elizabeth's name and reputation, which you are ultimately responsible for. 

{STOP RIGHT THERE! So Eisendrath now wants the audience to blame Red for Liz losing her license? Liz shot the attorney general! Like Navabi said, “No one told her to pull that trigger! No one told her to kidnap tom in the hull of a ship, lie to Reven wright harboring a fugitive, or cover up a murder of an innocent man. Oh no this RETCON not only makes me LOATHE her character and all the characters defending her. Now I can’t stand Cooper! Its NOT how you write story.]

Cooper: Your presence in her life has turned it into what it is today. [No. Liz did that by herself!]  You've brought her nothing but pain, grief, and regret, [Wheres the regret and grief? We haven’t seen it. None of it.] which you seem utterly oblivious to, [Actually it’s the writers room that is utterly oblivious to the feelings of their faithful audience. Your lead heroine doesn’t care who she uses, who she hurts, but its Red’s fault? Yeah this won’t get anyone to watch your show.] and surprisingly powerless to rectify. [Who wants to fire Harold for such a horrible speech? Writers Room want you to think he's the best boss.]

Red: Good talk, Harold. [ Door opens ] [DROP IN SCENE. Cooper to redirect. No. Sorry. This is not a good storyline.]

Hassan Arkani. Algerian born. He was a munitions expert linked to the New Martyrs Brigade. The NMB is deadly enough to rank number six on the Group Threat Index. Based in Libya, they have loyal supporters in countries throughout the region. I have documentation of attacks in 17 different countries. Yeah, but none on US soil. So what was Arkani doing in Maryland? And whatever it was, he's not doing it anymore. 

[NEWSFLASH THIS STORYLINE IS JUST FILLER HAS NO BEARING ON THE SHOW SO IM GONNA GUT MOST OF IT]

So is Reddington saying the New Martyrs were building some kind of mass casualty weapon to use here?

Cooper: It's possible. We don't know what they were building or who took it or where it is now. I've notified Homeland, the CIA, and NSA. Ressler, Navabi, get to that factory. Keen, let the locals know we're taking over. [Tell not show story format is killing the show. No follow up. No visual. No experience. That is NOT storytelling.]

Samar: Uh, wait, where's Aram? Hey. Cooper told me. 

[PLOT We did not see Cooper tell her anything. This show is a hot mess! Go back to season one, read the transcripts and see if you can find any of these little plots dropped in? Yeah you won't!.This is a rewrite so is the Elise my girlfriend is a mole.Its an addendum to redirect the original arc and they use Bokenkamp’s and Eisendrath’s story plot to show you. ]You have nothing to worry about. [No he doesn’t but still in all this is a total rewrite. Unbelievable.]

Aram: Really? I'm being questioned in connection to a Justice Department investigation into whether my girlfriend committed espionage. [YES WE ARE TOLD. WE WERE NOT TREATED TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE THRUSHES BECAUSE THE ARC IS GUTTED. Who was the Mole Elise referred to? Ah yes you don’t get to see who that was because its been rewritten. For now.]

You didn't know.

Aram: So I'm either a traitor or a moron. [This is what Panabaker mouthed to Ressler over the damn phone in Cuba. So word for word Aram says it? Redirecting the arc. Originally they had Ressler, which means two things. This “mole” crap is just a plot device to delay a bigger story in the back nine, or it was scrapped from Eisendrath’s hitlist altogether. Ressler was your traitor. The writers are either protecting or killing Ressler this season I’m not sure anymore. I’d say hes up in the air like I stated in September. Your third lead male to have no lead story for 12 months because Eggold took Diego’s lead status. Not good But about that 1.0 teetering on a 0.9…great story placement. That Tom/Red/Liz arc is just bringing the masses in, right Sony?]

Samar: A moron. Definitely. [Samar was not even implicated nor did they foreshadow in the first episode that she was doing this. This is all plot. No wonder the cast is acting like zombies. Samar is the patsy to a fallen story arc.] Ah, you always know just what to say. Aram, you're a trusting person who assumes the best in people. Be yourself and they will see that. Everyone does.

Woman over radio: What is your ETA, please? Agent Ressler?

[Like I said. Go back to 0318 when Tom goes, “What’s our ETA?” The show runner gave Tom Ressler’s dialogue. Tom is not a fed. And here it’s much like the same only this time, Samar is getting the shaft.] This is Andrew Wyatt, the factory manager. Thank you, Detective.

Mr. Wyatt, thanks for your cooperation.

[Like in Drexel. Like in Quon Zhang, Ressler has dialogue in just the sub plot. That means any actor can take over this role. He’s the lead male hero, yet has no characterization beyond plot since the Director. And until a true 180 flip happens, you’ll see this for the rest of the season.]

Yeah, of course. Whatever I can do to help. You've seen the images of the people who died last night? Yeah, like I told them, two of the guys, they've worked here for about a year. The other guys I've never seen. And this man, have you seen him before? No idea. Hey, if it wasn't drugs, what do you think they were doing? We're going to need to see the footage from these cameras. I wish. The cops had me check first thing. Looks like they turned off the whole system right around 9:00. You need to see this. Excuse us. Thank you. You got something? Nothing good. Whoever ran this place had it wiped down before they ran. Between that and the fire, they wasn't much left. We found shavings from some kind of titanium alloy, and this. It's definitely an integrated circuit timing chip, but I haven't seen one quite like this before. Timing chip, that's used in-- Everything from traffic lights to railway switches—To bombs. [ Indistinct conversations ]

What's up with Aram? [I cannot recall who said what I lost patience with Cooper. Its pointless even Liz had no scenes with Aram. Doesn’t she care? Nope! I mean this is what a rush job looks like count the holes. Yeah I went there. I don’t care. This script is the equivalent of turning in your unfinished homework assignment, and praying you don’t get an F. the subplot is fine. It’s the main plot that is horrible. ]

I don't know, but he said it was urgent.

Is this about the deposition?

Uh, no, actually, this is about a different nightmare scenario. I've been running diagnostics on the timer chip you recovered from Arkani's factory, and it is far more impressive than anything we've seen from the NMB or any extremist group for that matter. In fact, it is as good as anything the United States can make because... we did make it. Good Lord. More specifically, the defense contractor Blackthorn Kincaid made it. Well, they make everything from our own ICBMs to Israel's Iron Dome. So how'd Arkani get it? Our national security threat just became a national security leak.

Cooper: Get to Blackthorn. Tell them we expect full cooperation. Aram, let's move. The deposition starts at 2:00. [Oh yes Gratuitous rewrite Liz scene. ] Panabaker's gonna be at the deposition. I'm gonna push her to get you reinstated as an agent.

[This is what we call OUT OF THE BLUE STORYTELLING.]

Liz: That would be... amazing. But do you think that's even possible? [This is probably the worst reaction to a life changing moment I’ve ever seen. Megan is officially phoning it in.]

Cooper: [This dialogue just sickened me.] After all you've been through and all you've done,

[Never mind the task force. After they did for her. After all they’d done. She is the antagonist to Red and the task force now. ]

Cooper: I think it's crazy they haven't done it already. {Yeah this scene told me enough and I pretty much lost interest. This is all plot driven garbage so the show can redirect after wasting a year on a failed story. Like ISHTAR and Howard the DUCK!.]

I resent any implication that we would be less than forthcoming. Your classified technology was found in a facility being run by a known terrorist. Now someone in your position might be inclined to close ranks. Well, that won't happen. Everyone here has dedicated his or her life to protecting the American people. Tell us about the timing chip. It was manufactured within the last four months as part of a surface-to-air missile teleguidance system. Can you tell us who manufactured it? Specifically which employees? Well, a chip like that would travel across several of our divisions. We're talking 60, maybe 80 people. We're gonna need to see a list. Of course, but maybe we could suggest a more targeted approach. James Maddox. At one time, he was one of our best programmers. Was? He had a drinking problem along with anger issues. We tried to help, but, uh, in the end, we-- we had to part ways. [You got this line in the script regarding a potential sub plot character as a drunk and Red setting up an alcoholic. That’s a mistake. It means two stories were not written together and remain separate. ] Given what we perceived to be financial problems, he might be a person of interest. He had access to the chip? Yes. I knew Jim. I find it hard to believe that he would betray his country. 

[Original story. This doesn’t pertain to Samar because she did not betray her country, She is NOT A TRAITOR. WHO Told secrets to the CUBANS that US kept one of their traitors a mercenary? You see? Dialogue doesn’t lie only show runners. This is why this episode is anti climatic. The Red getting Liz pardon filled in the gaping hole.] Well, we'll get on that right away. In the meantime, we're gonna need to see that list. Patch: Just make some calls. Yeah. [ Dialing ] [ Dog barking ] All right, I'm gonna check the pier.

RED: {I literally skipped the above. Sorry its filler.] Wendy, dear, your ears must be burning. Dembe and I were just talking about you. [No introduction from Red plot she calls him. No lead in just cut to:]

Yeah? You figure out how I'm-a get my 13-year-old to soccer at the same time as Liam's piano lesson?

How are the boys?

Another day in paradise. Leo took up the baritone, the Supernovas won the regional championship, and Lionel started dating some college freshman with a nipple ring.

 Almost enough to make a woman hope Larry gets early parole.[Filler.]

 Mnh, not on your life, sugar. Let him rot. The boys are happy, I'm happy.

 To what do I owe the pleasure, my love?

 I got word that you're looking for the 411 on the New Martyrs Brigade.

 You got something?

 A little chatter. You know I'm always tracking the buzz on who's moving what and where. I hear the NMB's America bound. [Show is testing out a new asset for Red besides Glenn, Dembe, Brimley, and now Kaplan is gone. They have not finished writing her story arc. Back nine. Pathetic huh?]

Red: How many?

Wendy: I'm hearing six. Coming in scattershot.

Red: Their papers will be flawless. Who's running it? Al-Hambri?

 Wendy: Ha! You wish. They sent Farook.

Welcome back to the United States. You have a nice day now.

 Thank you, my love. You're like a human divining rod. You always know just where to look and just what to look for. Oh, and for what it's worth, I dropped a little extra something in the mail this month. Thought it might help with the orthodontist bills.

You wanna help? Come and fold some laundry. [ Dog retches ] I gotta go. Lazy Bones just barfed in the kitchen.

 [ Phone beeps ] James Maddox-- born August 1970. I don't know. What do you think? Does this look like the face of a traitor to you? Anybody's capable of anything. You know that. 

Yeah, well, there's a special level in hell for people who provided arms to terrorists. [Samar did that? No. One guess who Eisendrath had originally lined up to do such a thing.]  Heads up. James Maddox? Move! [ Tires screech ] FBI. FBI? [ Handcuffs click ]

Yeah. Yeah, I understand.

Uh, that was Agent Keen. [Oh really? Did you see her? Now Aram can say she's Agent Keen yet Harold balked at it? Plot driven garbage again both stories like in 323 DO NOT BLEND. Filler dialogue. Rewrite.] 

Mr. Reddington says NMB leadership sent six operatives to reclaim that bomb or, um, uh, whatever it is they lost at that factory. [ Door opens ] [Of course it does. SMDH.]

 It's time.

 Does Reddington have a name?

 Oh, yeah, one. Farook Al-Thani.

Agent Mojtabi, walk us through this again. Tell us exactly how you met Elise Nickerson. 

[YES WRITERS TELL US NOT SHOW. She just showed up NAked in Aram’s apartment to squash the traitor story. then they realized, oops, we wrote further into that. Let’s redirect it. Uh oh. Writers room war. Sabotage to the “character with a moral heart so that “he owes” Tom. Yeah hell no.]

 Aram: Okay, I was at the gym, and she had been waiting for a friend and asked to borrow my phone. [Pointless dialogue. None of this advances story. None of this advances Aram’s character. Its plot.] Uh, she said hers was lost. And then, you know, one thing led to another and...

And the next thing you knew, she was using your personal laptop to access classified data. Well, when you put it like that-- You expect us to believe you knew nothing about this?

 Aram: Yes, because I didn't. I love this country. I take my job very, very seriously. If I'm guilty of anything, it's-- it-- I have bad taste in women. A sort of blindness to-- Shauna Boyd was a kleptomaniac. Julia Hernandez was legally married. April Roderhorst had a little bit of a secret p0rn addiction. Um, that's a funny story, actually.

This is a deposition, not a memoir. [Eisendrath thinks this is amusing???]

 Let's keep the focus on how your computer was used to breach national security.

Yes, ma'am. [ Chair scraping ]

As-salamu alaykum. Farook. We didn't know our location was exposed. I had no idea an attack was coming. Yes. That's the problem. Look, I'm handling it. I'll find them. I... I have security camera footage from the attack. I convinced the police there wasn't any. Look, I know they sent you to warn me. Just... tell them, warning received. They didn't send me to warn you. They sent me to replace you. [ Gunshot ] [ Shell casing clatters ] It's Farook.

We need to talk.

Mmm. He's here.

I'm not here. [ Laughs ]

This meeting never took place. [now this we keep hearing in the original arc. Oh yes TWEAKING. What did Ressler say to Tom when he gave him the stupid Russian lead? “For what? This never happened. Before that Ressler touted, “I could go to jail...” and the Keens went....”Yeah um pops bubble gum so you think like you could hep us anyway Ressler? we need people to support us and even though in truth, you wouldn't trust me for lying and betraying everyone, your mine and tom’s lapdog now. ] 

And you will never be in the same room with the President-elect. [ Utensil clatters ] [Never say never in a storyline it means the exact opposite. the way we avoid the Never say never charge is using the word NOT. Blacklist however violated that rule last season.]

Red: You really should try Ginny's Cheeseburger Chowder. The ground chuck and spices, the melted cheese. I highly recommend it for the inaugural balls. [Proof the fish line is all they could muster to keep Red tied to the sub plot. They literally are using Spader.]

If you think you can maintain your immunity agreement by blackmailing the President-elect for allegedly taking illegal campaign contributions from Alexander Kirk, you're not as smart as everyone says you are. [Maintain your immunity agreement. A man without a country. Red will be going bye bye. unless they rewrite it the next day.]

Marlin, your boss made a campaign promise to me, and I intend to make sure he keeps it. [ Taps tabletop ] Tell Robert I'll be in touch. [ Typing ]

 How was the deposition?

 Terrifying.

 I'm sure you were great. [ Scoffs ]

 Aram: In your eyes. In theirs, I look a lot like this guy. Yusuf Tillisi? 

Mr. Reddington said [No Mr. Reddington did not we didn’t see it therefore it doesn’t exist and isn’t crucial to main plot.] six NMB members were dispatched to the US in the last 24 hours. He gave us one name, [BUT WE DON”T SEE RED SPEAKING DO WE?] but not the other five. Do you have any idea how many people fly into the country every day? So I had to customize an algorithm to search for-- Five needles in a huge haystack. 

What makes you think Tillisi is one?

Well, he's the right age. He works for a Middle Eastern trade organization that I'm not sure actually exists. He lives in Lebanon, but flew into Libya last month, and I am not seeing a return ticket out. Thing is, he flew into JFK almost 72 hours ago, so that doesn't fit Mr. Reddington's intel. He's probably legit, but it's probably worth tracking him down, verifying his reason for being in the country. Let me do it. Based on the places he flew, I have channels that might be a bit more comprehensive. You're going to be cleared. And when you are, we will celebrate. [Foreshadowing. However, There’s nothing in the dialogue to support eventually. Once again the writers prefer no happiness just plot driven gloom and doom.]

Our people know the penalty for disloyalty. I don't think you gave it to them. I think you sold it to them. Look, tell me the truth now, and maybe I can still help you. Too late. [Plot driven dialogue.] [ Sighs ] Mr. Maddox, we just executed a search warrant at your apartment and found a bank passbook hidden in a bathroom vent traceable to an account in Madrid. That's a lie. Oh. And we also found a burner phone taped underneath your kitchen table, one with a string of international calls-- to Libya. Okay, what the hell's going on? I'm being framed. I swear, none of that is mine. [ Door closes ] [Drop in] What are you doing here? I heard the FBI-- That is under control. I need your assistance. No. No, no, no, forget it. I knew it was a mistake letting you talk me into configuring that chip. A $200,000 mistake. Look, like it or not, we are in this together. If I go down, we both go down. What do you need me to do? This is the, uh, surveillance footage from last night's attack. I want you to run the facial tomography software on the attackers. If they had masks, it's gonna take a minute. Can you just do it? [ Door opens, closes ]

[Of course. how did I know this. DROP IN]

 Forget it, Keen. I know that look. Don't tell me you believe him. [There was zero partnership in the interrogation room. ]

Liz: Something's off. It's just a read, but his denial seems genuine. I might take that bet. [Now this would’ve been good CHARACTER filler. Ressler bets Liz but did they do it? No. Zero human emotion displayed in the war room and no follow up. Because plot driven has no bearing to the back nine. Wasted opportunity.] Blackthorn called. Another programmer came forward. Says he saw Maddox handling that timer chip a month ago, just before it dropped out of inventory. What about an eyewitness, Keen? Does that change your mind?

Take Navabi and get a statement. Where is Agent Navabi? ♪ [ Keypad beeps ] Ezra. We've got a problem. One of my colleagues at the Bureau flagged Ezra. What does he know? Nothing yet. I volunteered to verify that he's in the country for a legitimate reason. Defending our homeland from extremist savages? Doesn't get more legitimate than that. [Yes according to the Blacklist Samar and Mossad are our greatest Enemy. See how STUPID this rewrite is? They can't even promote their show honestly.] Mossad carried out a black op on American soil. If the FBI finds out about it, it will be an international incident. [But its not TREASON. We are not at war with Israel. This does not fit the original story at all. Samar is defending Israel I don’t know of ONE American in office that goes against Israel. Do you? Horrible. They did it again. Originally Ressler’s storyline this time they give it to Samar. First Aram then Samar. Unbelievable. So Eisendrath STILL has no storyline for Ressler except that he could go to jail, and Tom owes him.]

Where's the system? It's here. Safe. For now. Reddington says [Again DID YOU SEE IT?] the NMB sent Farook with a team to get it back. You need to take the system and go. You all need to leave the country. What about you? I will do what I can to keep the Bureau's attention elsewhere. Besides, I don't think Alma would appreciate me tagging along. Alma? Yesterday's news. You're-- you're right. Better get moving. Be safe. [ Door opens, closes ] You did it? Wasn't easy. Most of the footage was too remote. But I did find an image that was close enough to scan. Our program creates a computed tomography map, which I had to convert into a 3-D image. [ Typing ] Based on the data, we got a 96% match. My God. Do you know her? She's FBI. [ Typing ] According to our profile, she's Mossad.[Yeah not ISIS. This is so stupid.] Mr. Deavers. Tell me you found our system. Not yet. But don't worry, Farook. I know just where to look. You can't do this. I wasn't driving recklessly, and my navigation system will prove that I wasn't speeding. What's your name, anyway? Hey, are you listening to me? You're about to make a very big mistake. Pick up the phone and call my-- [ Car door closes ] [ Huffs ] [ Car door opens ] [ Groans ] Oh, boy. [ Clears throat ] Isn't this a sticky wicket?

You son of a bitch. 

As I mentioned, Senator Diaz made a campaign promise that I intend to hold him to. 

You what, uh, bribe them? [establishing character. As if audience never saw season one.]

I've been known to make the occasional charitable contribution. In exchange, my back is scratched by the good men in blue. Yours, not so much. You blew a .12. I what? Blood alcohol content. Next time, call a cab. 

[ Laughs ] Are you out of your mind? I've been sober for 12 years. 

Which is what makes your relapse that much more tragic. 

The President can't have a dipsomaniac serving as legal counsel. Happily, there is a way to avoid the drunk tank. 

The inauguration is in two weeks. How the hell do you expect me to get you a private meeting? I have no idea. Let's hope you're smarter than everyone says you are, Marlin. Marlin-- that's not a very common name. I knew a Marlin when I was young. Marlin Trout. One boy, two fish names. Funny. Set the meeting, Marlin. [ Door thuds ] [Drop in Scene.]

[ANOTHER DROP IN SCENE] I got your text. What's up? 

We're rolling out. Gotta take a witness statement. Someone from Blackthorn? A programmer who claims he saw Maddox with the timer chip. A month ago, but for some reason didn't bother coming forward until after the company had already served up Maddox on a silver platter. 

I'm telling you, something's off about this. There's only one way to find out. Will you give me a second?

Cooper: I spoke with Panabaker about your reinstatement. [Did you see that scene? Exactly. ] She said there's nothing she can do.[LIAR. Seriously I LOATHE PLOT FORMAT.]  

Liz: No remorse or act of contrition. I specifically tweeted Bokenkamp this last night. He's got to know his heroine is bordering the point of no return here.] 

Nothing she can do now or ever? Sir, what'd she say? [They are Telling not showing.]

She said the Attorney General would need to okay your reinstatement. Since you pled guilty to killing his predecessor, that's... not going to happen. I'm so sorry. [But Liz takes no responsibility. No remorse. Just pouting poor me, I am the victim I am the one who pays no one else. I am so sick of this.]  Yeah, so am I. 

Hey, I ran down Yusuf Tillisi. The trade company he works for, it's real. The CEO put me in touch with him directly. He's here for a few meetings then flies out at the end of the week. I'm sorry, but he checks out. Mr. Cooper got word from Main Justice. I am officially... not a person of interest.[BUT YOU NEVER SEE COOPER GIVE HIM THE NEWS. PLOT DROP IN SCENE] 

Samar: That's great news. 

Um... Yeah, right? Um... Hey, I've never been so relieved to be told I am not interesting. Uh, I thought we could, um, could maybe celebrate over... dinner. 

Samar: It's a date. You pick. And make it somewhere amazing. [ Knock on door ] DROP IN!

Mr. Atwell? FBI. Agent Ressler, this is Agent Navabi.

That was fast. [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHEN WRITERS HATE REWRITING DROP IN SCENES.] We understand you have information regarding a James Maddox and a theft at Blackthorn Kincaid. Uh, yes, please come in. I'd prefer the neighbors didn't know anything about this. Is everything okay, Mr. Atwell?

Agent Ressler.

 We were set up. There was no witness. It was an ambush. [IT WAS A REWRITE.] They were inside the house. The NMB took Samar. [Samar plans this raid but Ressler never gets the opportunity to lash out? Yeah this is a bad rewrite and id expect more drop in scenes up until redemption airs. This show officially blows.]

The NMB?

Look, they wanted to kill me and abduct her. That makes no sense. Why would the NMB single out Agent Navabi? They're in a black SUV, no rear plate, shattered rear window. All right, sending an alert to local law enforcement now, rolling all backup units to your location.

Liz: [Her gratuitous scene for the arc to give her some fake contact with Daddy.] Reddington, we need your help. Samar's been abducted. The NMB just took her. Slow down. I'm putting you on a speaker. [ Beep ] [Meaning no scenes with James. Pure rewrite.]

We're sending you everything, all the search results for possible NMB members coming into the country, all the flights and profiles we've ruled out. Maybe we missed something. Have you identified anyone other than Farook?

No. My program's vetted tens of thousands of possible candidates but only one real suspect so far, and Agent Navabi cleared him.

Who?

His name is Yusuf Tillisi. His photo was part of the file we just sent you. But Samar spoke to him-- said it was nothing.

Yusuf Tillisi isn't a terrorist. He also isn't Yusuf Tillisi. His real name is Ezra Mandell, an operative for the Mossad. Samar knows him. She's worked with him. [BUT SAMAR IS A TRAITOR RIGHT? SMDH]

Why would she lie about that?

To protect her fellow countrymen. To prevent you from linking the Mossad to the attack on Arkani's operation.

A Mossad strike team was operating here? Without permission? [THIS IS NOT A TRAITOR this is a BAD SCRIPT! This show cannot make up their minds.]

At least we know why the NMB took her. The question is where and how long they'll keep her alive.

 Tell me where the system is.

 Save yourself an immense amount of pain.

 I'm good.

 I can't remember a time when I wasn't fighting Israel. As a boy in Gaza, I threw rocks at soldiers. As I grew, so did the weapons. The rocks became guns, the guns became rockets. For me, life is war. And that war changed with the creation of the Iron Dome, the most advanced missile defense system in history. Over 1,200 of our rockets were intercepted. [So Mossad is America’s Greatest enemy? Nice work Blacklist. You step in it every chance you get. Unfair to rookie writers having to clean up your garbage because you cannot decide on story direction.]

The NMB realized that the best way to defeat a superior technology is to turn an engineering designer. James Maddox. Mr. Maddox was just convenient. The NMB's money bought them someone much higher up the food chain. I promised them a teleguidance system capable of getting past the Iron Dome. After six months of work, I do not intend to start over. So... where is it? Don't make me ask again. We're all set. There's a Hawker 900 on the tarmac at BWI. Take the system. Use one of those SKB cases. Put this in the car. [ Door thuds open ] [SO MANY DROP IN SCENES RIGHT?]

FBI! Hands in the air now! Levi Shur. You don't call, you don't write.

How'd you find us? [PLOT PLOT PLOT]

Mossad opened this safe house with the Bureau's assistance. I know because our agencies share intel. At least I thought they did. [He knows because its in the script. Audience never experiences any of this so there’s a build up. NO SUSPENSE] The NMB has Samar. We know you hit Arkani's factories, and so do they. How? I don't know, but she was taken by Farook Al-Thani almost an hour ago.

She-- She lied to us. Tried to protect you when she found out Mossad was behind the raid.

I don't know what you're talking about. No?

 No. Samar didn't find out about the raid. Samar planned the raid. [ Grunts ] [And no fall out. Only with Cooper. WHOLE THING IN ONE SETTING. NO Fall out with Ressler [You're a fine Agent Navabi.] 

 Enough. We need to escalate this. [ Laughs ] What the hell is so funny?

She won't talk. We're both the same. Both true believers willing to die for what we love. Farook, we may have something. There's an entry for someone only under the letter "L." The number's on the list we have for possible Mossad operatives. Call it. Now hang on, if it's the Mossad, they might be able to trace the call back. There's no strategic reason to contact them. Unless they are willing to trade their agent for our system.

That wasn't the plan. She's seen my face. She can't be traded for anything, understand? She's never leaving this room.

You are not my concern.

 We had a deal. I'm not signing off on this. Then it seems you are the one never leaving this room. [ Gunshot, shell casing clatters ] [ Body thuds ] What about the CIA? Homeland? Nobody in your government has intel as to where they may have taken her? What about Mossad? You guys know Arkani's building a bomb, but you don't know whether he's got a safe house nearby? No. [ Sighs ] And it's not a bomb. It's a missile guidance system designed to defeat the Iron Dome. In the wrong hands, it could jeopardize the lives of thousands. 

Then I'll feel better when it's in my hands. Get it. Fine. Take it. All I care about is finding Samar.  She's an operative, Levi. She knew the risks. I'm not letting her die. You said it yourself-- the wrong step now could jeopardize the lives of thousands of innocent civilians. Hey, neither of you is gonna do anything. This is an FBI matter now. Are we clear? I'm still going to that park. [ Cellphone ringing ] Get him back here. Now. [ Beep ] Cooper: Agent Ressler, no word on Agent Navabi. You have the system? Yeah, we have it right here. But look-- Levi! 

I've got him. Do I stop him? It's our careers if this goes wrong, but... No, let him make the drop. Just make damn sure that system doesn't get out of the park. This goes nowhere until Samar is brought here. [ Computer beeping ] It's been authenticated. Where is she? [ Tires squeal ] That's her. That's her! Uh, South Drive. All units move in. Stop that van! Ressler, move your team in now. Hands! Hands where I can see 'em. [ Drone whirring ] Bring it down! [ Whirring continues ] I'm not the one controlling it. [ Gunfire ] Cover him! [ Gunfire ] [ Sirens wailing ] Aram, I lost visual. What do you got? Nothing. It just-- it disappeared. Well, whoever was controlling it had line of sight to this park. Cooper: Somebody saw it. We're monitoring for reports or complaints. Oh, oh, I got one. I got one. Reports of someone flying a drone from the roof of the Mazelon Hostel. All right, the address-- I got it. Call in security! Aram. I gather we have a picture of Farook. I might have him leaving the hostel on 92nd. On the ground! On the ground! Move.[AND THAT IS DIEGO’s BIG SCENE SINCE EPISODE 401. AND PPL DONT THINK EISENDRATH ISN”T TRYING TO WRITE RESSLER INTO A CORNER?] We're ready for you this time, Jonathan. Been working on my Paso Doble. [ Chuckles ] Fred Astaire, look out! Bobby's lost six pounds. Ah, now, two million people may watch the inauguration, but the dance floor's all Miriam cares about. And my girl and I are gonna tear it up. Uh, sir, sir. Huh? Huh? [ Laughs ] What's wrong with him? Sir, there's a... situation. I'm so sorry. I would've told you about it earlier, but-- 

There you are. Dance lessons. What fun! What the hell is he doing here? Oh, my God. You're-- Just hoping the jackals and mongers will give you the time and space you need to settle in before they start feasting at your doorstep. What the hell are you doing here? Robert, I know your dance card is full, but we have an appointment that I must insist you keep. The mustache is an interesting choice, sort of a Grover Cleveland look, I suppose. Marlin, call security. No, just... give us a moment. You and I are even. Not quite. The hell we're not. I halted my presidential campaign and launched a Senate hearing into Alexander Kirk's links to terrorism. [WHY DIDN’T RED JUST BLACKMAIL THE CURRENT PRESIDENT? USUALLY ITS THE OUTGOING PREZ WHO PARDONS NOT THE INCOMING. BUT THIS IS PLOT PLOT PLOT.] And in exchange, you received a generous donation and an appreciable bump in the polls, and now look what's happened. Robert, the man you're replacing as the leader of the free world has a legacy he'll want you to help burnish by keeping certain people and policies in place. He'll want favors. To get them, this is one of the things he'll have to do for you. [SO THIS FAR FETCHED MONSTROSITY IS FOR RED TO HAVE DIAZ BLACKMAIL THE CURRENT PRESIDENT. NOT RED. YEAH. OK.] This is over. You and I are done. Then perhaps I should speak to Miriam. I'm sure she's dying to know what kind of business you and I have been conducting. It's up to you, Robert. Would you prefer to be in the White House or the doghouse? [WEAK ARGUMENT. THEYRE EMASCULATING RED.] Robert? [ Early Winters' "Vanishing Act" playing ] [ Radio chatter ] You put our country at risk to get me back. I don't know whether to hit you or hug you. [ Chuckles ] Well, you know what Ezra said about Alma-- I broke off our engagement. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Be happy. ♪ and insatiable ♪ ♪ video game ♪ Cooper: 

COOPER [WITH THE REDIRECT. A PLOT DRIVEN MESS TO FIT THE NEXT EPISODE. KEEN AS AN AGENT WITHOUT ANY BUILD UP EXCEPT NAVABI NOW THE ONE NOBODY TRUSTS? I HATE THIS SHOW.] You obstructed our investigation, put lives at risk, lied to us. 

Yes, to protect my country. 

Your country? While you're on this task force, the country you're protecting is the United States. 

And today, I protected both. Almost died in the process. ♪ where do you go to... ♪ 

You need to think about where your allegiance lies. 

No, I don't. 

Fine. You're clear about that. Let me be clear about this-- You can't lie to me. You can't operate without my authority, ever. I feel I've earned your trust and respect. Now go home, get some rest, and think about whether you agree with that. If you do, I'll see you in the morning. If not, I won't. 

[IN TRUTH SHE’D BE FIRED. SHES NOT A TRAITOR. SHES NOT THE MORON. SHES NOT REALLY A MOLE. THIS IS AN ANTICLIMATIC REWRITE LIKE 322 AND 323. AND EPISODE 0405-06 ♪] 

He's right. You should, uh, get some rest. Dinner can wait. 

You sure?

 Totally. 

Thank you for the rain check. 

Actually, uh... I don't, uh, want a rain check. I mean... I do. Obviously, I do, but... I don't. [THIS SCENE HAS NO PURPOSE. NONE. THE DIALOGUE ISNT NECESSARY. A BETTER BUILD UP WOULDVE BEEN ARAM JUST FREEZING HER OUT, AND THE THAW TAKES SHAPE. THIS IS LIKE PULLING TEETH.]

You know how I told you that deposition was terrifying? Yeah, 

it was worse than terrifying. It was... embarrassing. There I was on the record, testifying to what horrible taste I have in women, my, uh, habit of falling for people who aren't what they appear to be, what I make them out to be. What happened with Elise was kind of soul crushing. [SHE WAS IN TWO EPISODES. ARE U EFFING KIDDING ME] To find out that the person that you love... ♪ say we were abducted... ♪ ...the person that you can see yourself marrying and having a family with and-- and growing old with, to find out that... 

Is a spy. Someone whose allegiances you can't trust. [YOU CANT TRUST ISRAEL? THIS SHOW IS JUST...SMDH] 

I can't be with a person like that. [SO PUT HER WITH LEVI THEN. BECAUSE IF ARAM CAN FORGIVE LIZ AFTER LYING TO HIM AND FAKING HER DEATH BUT HE CANT TRUST SAMAR WHO IS DEFENDING ISRAEL AND THE IRON DOME, THEN HEY! ARAM IS NOT WORTH IT. PLOT DRIVEN FORMAT ALWAYS FUCKS UP CHARACTERS FOR THE WORST. ITS AMATEUR AND INSULTING.]  vanishing act ♪ 

TOM: I thought Panabaker told Cooper you'd never be reinstated.[ Rewrite was set up so Tom coul pontificate on his dad to set up his redemption arc on blacklist,[not even dick wolf does this.] Liz could get her pardon, SAMAR takes the fall in EISENDRATH’S SCRAPPED ARC TO REDIRECT THE TRAITOR STORYLINE.] 

She did, why? Woman: ...precedent for commuting sentences in the final hours of an administration. But the full presidential pardon of Elizabeth Keen for the murder of Attorney General Tom Connolly is certainly the most surprising in recent memory... 

LIZ: [This dialogue is NOT necessary. none of it. the best scene if this were written by a writer who cared? it would go off with Liz’ reaction. not a hug fro Tom. Liz soul searching or looking back at her FBI cases, something to show she's longed for this. Like Knauf did in Gregory Devry. Liz moving into her new apartment. Liz looking at her FBI pic She wasn’t thinking about Tom. She was focused on herself. This? Does none of that. Its just a storyline plopped in OUT OF THE BLUE that was planned to get them out of ratings hell.] 

Did she just say... You've been pardoned. Oh, my God. Liz, you've been pardoned. [ Gasps ] [ Laughs ] [ Gasps ]...continue to speculate on what was behind the President's controversial decision to pardon Elizabeth Keen. The White House issued a statement that the President will not be commenting.

Hey. 

Hey.

 Look, I was thinking about what you told me. Well, like I said, I hope you're happy about it. 

There's someone else. I've been waiting a long time for this, for us, for you. But... I am in love with someone else. ♪ and if we can stop a restless night ♪ I

Liz: [THANK YOU FOR TELLING US LIZ! WE DIDN’T KNOW. COULDN’T TELL BY YOUR STUPID REACTION IN THE FAKE APARTMENT OR THE LACK OF EMOTION OR REMORSE OR REGRET. MILES AWAY FROM WHERE THIS HEROINE USED TO BE. SHE GETS A SECOND CHANCE AND STILL DOESN’T APPRECIATE IT.] it was Reddington. He got the President of the United States to pardon me. How does he do that? 

[Horrible dialogue. THIS IS WHAT YOU WRITE:

Liz: I never thought this would happen. How did you...” [And by the way this is still a drop in scene even though you don’t see Liz going through the door or leaving. one dimensional sets to rewrite story. done in soaps all the damn time.]

COOPER: “It was Reddington.”

Liz: [Tears appears brave.] “I can’t describe how I feel except. Im so angry with my self.Truth is, I don’t deserve it. I’ve hurt so many people I love. Even Reddington.”

Cooper: “You’ve been given a second chance. One most people never get in a lifetime. Use it wisely. [ Drawer opens ] I'm just glad I can finally say... it's good to have you back, Agent Keen. ♪

Then you hold on her face and split screen with Red’s. but they don’t a shyt about this story. If they did, they'd write decent filler, and stop the egos. Four writers on ONE script and this is the result. Editing is bad. Dialogue choice is bad. Concept of the procedural is good but main plot does not match rest of theme, and that is a no no. “we’ll fix it later...” Meanwhile 12 months later....since The Director....]

  Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdr

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time