#executive dysfunction or just my lazy ass ? who really knows

[beverage-cowboy]

Beautiful twins named missing and upcoming assignments want me to do them but alas

[ravings-of-a-mad-scientist]

I think there is something of a story that could be made out of tech no longer being supported by the tech is life supporting

You know what? YES! There is a story to be made out of tech no longer being supported even though it's life supporting! My fuckin emails!

I used to use Windows' default mail app, which sucked. It couldn't work with custom email addresses and was generally janky, but you know what? It was my janky default mail app, because I was too lazy to change it to a better one. Just like with every other default app included with Windows 10 (which I still use even though they came out with a Windows 11 (even though they said they'd never do that (fuckin tryhards)))

But then Windows was all like

"mail app will no longer be supported, please switch to Outlook, bleh".

And that's when my alarm bells started ringing. I knew shit was going down hill. First they took Flash, and now they're after my fuckin MAIL?!? Is nothing sacred???

And what's worse, they had the gall to make *me* do something, and accept change, when I'd much rather be embracing stagnancy. What? Are we too good for the bare minimum all of a sudden?

But, I also knew the deadline was like six months away, so I didn't do shit and forgot about it. Because I have a heavy prescription for A.D.D., a mental disorder which makes it difficult to not put things off until the last minute since I can't think in scales longer than about six days. I am heavily dependant on my calendar app to tell me when to do stuff.

But then it happened. Six entire months had passed, and I finally had to change to Outlook. That made my afternoon a SLIGHTLY more stressful and busy than it'd have normally been, the bastards

But, you know what? There's no point getting angry over that. I think I might have just been too complacent with my old shitty default mail app all that time, and was too lazy and had too many dysfunctioning executives to look for better options. I might never have known what other mail apps could be like until someone gave me that little push. There really is a lesson to be learned here. 😔

And you know what that lesson is?

DON'T EVER FUKIN TRUST WINDOWS! BECAUSE OUTLOOK IS WAY SHITTER AND JANKIER THAN MAIL APP! WHY DID THEY MAKE ME SWITCH TO IT???

It takes forever to open, it also fucked the calendar app because apparently those can't be separate windows anymore so I had to spend like 20 minutes fixing it, then it fucked my wife, and just today it refused to open at all because it FALSELY believed it was already open.

I ended up having to restart my entire ass computer, WITH A FORCED WINDOWS UPDATE, giving me plenty of time to write this post. Haven't slept in 42 hours btw (unrelated). Then Outlook decided to log me out, so I had to find my password to sign back in. Meanwhile, I couldn't do any work because the only thing I needed to do was see my goddamned emails! So I finally get in, and I discovered that apparently that Windows update was updating Outlook, because I had to tell them that NO, I DON'T WANT MY DATA HARVESTED.

All this and for what? Fashionable looking UI design? Compatibility with email handles that don't end with @gmail.com?

What do I look like, some kinda jackass who owns multiple alternate email addresses with custom domains? Custom domains that I've been using an entirely separate web based email service to check since the old mail app wouldn't let me open them, but I was just too lazy to switch over to completely for my primary work and school gmails? Do I look like someone who bought themadscientist@ravingsofamadscientist.com thinking that somehow a *mailing list* would make me INTERNET FAMOUS?

Because yes, I am and I did do that. But you know what? I STILL do all that because I haven't gotten around to putting those emails into Outlook!

YOUR FORCED EMAIL SERVICE MIGRATION ACHIEVED NOTHING! SUCK IT BILL GATES!

[vashsuggestions]

Hi Vash! I hope you're doing well. I'm not sure how to phrase this request properly, but I'll just provide context to give you somewhat of an idea:

My mother is flying overseas to visit my father for a month. As the only daughter of the family, almost all the responsibilities of maintaining the house falls on my shoulders. This includes the cleaning, cooking for five, feeding the chickens, taking care of the garden, taking care of my bedridden grandmother ALONG WITH dealing with my first semester at uni.

DO KEEP IN MIND (and i can't stress this enough) that my mother isn't neglecting me or overworking me on purpose or anything like that. A lot of this shit happened after my father got her visa and booked the flight for her. Plus my brother and I really, really wanted her to take a vacation. (She always carries the housework alone)

Initially I didn't have that much on my plate and my aunts were also coming over to lighten the load, but something came up on their end and they can't come.

ON TOP OF THAT (ik, jesus..) my paranoid ass REFUSES to let my mother go to another city and stay at an airport for HOURS alone when it is her first time. So yes, i'm willing to take an 6 hour ride to the airport, stay there until 3 am and take a six hour ride back home on the same day as my classes... (yay). My mother's flight is this week.

I am 17. My brother and I are, simply put, spoiled brats that have never been left unsupervised for over a week. And my two uncles who stay at my place (tho I love them very much) are LAZY AS SHIT. I also have executive dysfunction, chronic migraines and alot of memory issues. (There's some underlying mental health issue there i can't tell)

So in short, i'm fucked. Really fucked. And ik this is a very odd request to give advice on, so some words of support from my comfort character would mean the entire world for me.

Am I whining about this and stressing out for no reason? Most probably. So, you're not obligated to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable in any way cuz this is essentially a vent post.

This franchise is all I've been thinking about for the past 5 months, and I'm glad you decided to open asks. A few minutes of your time to make a post every day means a lot to many people.

Congrats on reaching a 100 followers! Love and Peace! <3<3<3<3

Wow, friend! Sounds like you have A LOT of work ahead of you! I'm sure it's not easy carrying all of that on your own, especially while you're also trying to do things for yourself.

I'm glad you're doing your best to help your family out, and that you're trying to take care of your mother. YOU ARE NOT WHINING! This is a lot for anyone to figure out and do! Feel how you need to feel about it, but remember that all of this stress will eventually pass and you'll be able to relax a bit more soon!

If you're able too, try to reach out to some friends that might be able to help while your mother is away! It makes the time pass quicker and may help you feel less stressed. I know it can be HARD to reach out for help sometimes, ESPECIALLY if you may feel like you don't deserve it, but I want to promise you that YOU DO DESERVE IT! Maybe you could also reach out to your professors as well, if you need help keeping up with coursework!

If you aren't able to find any extra help, well, that's okay too! Just remember that things will eventually turn out okay! Keep a schedule if you think that might help with chores, and take some time for yourself when you can. It will be okay, and this stress will only be for a short while. I know it's a lot, but you're doing great already.

LOVE and PEACE!

[butterflyseraph]

Oh my god, Pretty Boy Reo!!! I actually wanna cosplay him someday hehe

"The good thing is that between you two is that there are never any misunderstandings, at least not for Iong; you express yourselves when something's wrong, which immediately defuses potential problems."

It's interesting because depending on the person, I can be extremely open about my more vulnerable feelings or just mask them completely. I feel like Reo would be someone who I'm able to open up to a little easier. He's just so charismatic to me, but in a soothing way.

"Reo would never make you feel like you're too much; on the contrary, he'd be the first to spot you in the crowd, grab your arm, and include you in the group. I don't think there's ever any ambiguity between you two; it's smooth, and no one could question your friendship."

Hilariously, one of thing I noticed as I was reading through the matchup was how I actually relate to Nagi in a lot of aspects. My love for gaming aside, I can be very "lazy" due to my executive dysfunction. I remember in the movie, Nagi told Reo that Reo never made him feel like he was a hassle. Other than my big shipper ass going crazy over that line, it just really struck a chord with me as someone who suffers from executive dysfunction and experiences a lot of guilt as a result.

...should I get a cactus and name it Choki-

"If he starts playing, it's not only to be with you but to understand the mechanics of those games. Maybe it'll inspire him on the field, like giving him a sharper understanding of his opponents' mindset. Immersive games often lead to introspection and analysis- making choices, challenging one's ethics, etc."

Oh my god Reo would love tactical RPGs. REO I'M DRAGGING YOU INTO MY FIRE EMBLEM BRAINROT.

"You see, I think Reo is one of the characters in the whole manga with whom you quickly feel comfortable; he has a very close, very human vibe. Very relatable. So, I have no doubt you'd feel at ease with him quickly, to the point where you'd let him approach you even from behind for a surprise hug."

A surprise hug from Reo sounds so sweet. I still remember that iconic scene of him hugging Nagi as he played Nagi's game, and one of my many thoughts was "I want to recreate that with a future romantic partner" lmaoooo

"And it would make him so happy to receive your affection too. I can't imagine him not sharing affectionate gestures with his significant other, no way."

The most guaranteed way to get me to come out of my shell when it comes to physical affection is to initiate it and then sit and wait. Eventually, I'll probably be giving just as many surprise back hugs as he does, haha!

"Actually. he kind of reminds me of a knight sometimes, you know? The one who opens and holds the door for you, the one who tells everyone on the escalator to move to the right so you can go faster. The one who always orders your dish without the sides you don't like. Those kinds of small, discreet attentions that are incredibly satisfying to experience daily."

I am genuinely gushing over the thought of Reo as a knight lmaoooo. The more I think about it, the more I feel like acts of service impact me more than I'd like to admit. I mean, I become a bumbling mess if a friend does anything for me: imagine a romantic partner 😅

"I see him as someone materialistic, so all the gifts you give him, he keeps them carefully at home and doesn't throw anything away, even if they seem completely ordinary or insignificant. As long as it's from you, he'll keep it until his death (which makes me think his inheritance might be complicated)"

Lmao, my mind shifted from knight Reo to dragon-guarding-his-hoard Reo. The fact that both are very fitting images of him makes this even funnier to me.

"Two little sunshines <3"

🌞🌞🌞 Yeah!!! 🌞🌞🌞

Bonus:

"I first thought of Niko (the "attracted to the realistic, grounded types" you know) but I figured he would be too quiet and solitary for your need to be with others. Lack of communication, as always."

Ooh, Niko! Yeah, I get what you mean. I feel like we'd make pretty decent friends tho!

Anywayyyy, thank you again for doing this with me! Sorry my response took so long, but thank you so much for your patience!!!

BLUE LOCK MATCHUP EXCHANGE — @butterflyseraph

Your match is...

— Mikage Reo

✦ It wasn't easy; I thought of several characters, but each time I was like, "hmm no."

✦ I figured it had to be someone who wouldn’t make you feel like you were too much.

✦ … So, not someone introverted.

✦ Or someone who doesn’t communicate enough.

✦ We all know where relationships go when one person doesn't communicate enough…

✦ *cough cough*

✦ I think you and Reo make a very balanced duo. He’s naturally sociable, loves approaching people and showing interest in them (not necessarily for personal gain; that’s just how he is).

✦ That made me think of how you tend to appear very open with others at first.

✦ It’s something that can unsettle shy people, but with him, it would only be appealing.

✦ Anyway, if it hadn’t been you, he would have come to you sooner or later.

✦ I can totally see you two as the duo that always has a bunch of friends orbiting around them. You’re the headliners, the queen bee duo of the university.

✦ The good thing is that between you two, there are never any misunderstandings, at least not for long; you express yourselves when something’s wrong, which immediately defuses potential problems.

✦ The trope of best buddies, obviously.

✦ Reo would never make you feel like you’re too much; on the contrary, he’d be the first to spot you in the crowd, grab your arm, and include you in the group. I don’t think there’s ever any ambiguity between you two; it’s smooth, and no one could question your friendship.

✦ He loves your contrasting personality—the fact that you appear quite cute on the outside but enjoy less conventional and niche things. I think he’s interested in those things too because he wants to understand them—and, by extension, understand you.

✦ Whatever you like or do, it piques his interest, and in a sincere way. No hidden motives. To me, Reo is truly someone loyal and reliable in friendship. He doesn’t try to play games—except during a match, but that’s part of the sport.

✦ I like to imagine you playing a soccer video game while he’s actually playing soccer.

✦ That’s probably not the kind of game you play, though; I see you more with games like The Wolf Among Us, Genshin Impact, The Binding of Isaac, or Outer Wilds. But you know, I think those games could interest him in a way too. They’re successful games, and he’d be curious about why. After all, Reo is still a business-minded person.

✦ And if he starts playing, it’s not only to be with you but to understand the mechanics of those games. Maybe it’ll inspire him on the field, like giving him a sharper understanding of his opponents’ mindset. Immersive games often lead to introspection and analysis—making choices, challenging one’s ethics, etc.

✦ In short, things we regularly see at Blue Lock, let’s be honest.

✦ "Physical Affection (giving and receiving, although I do need to be properly acclimated to a person: it's basically my ultimate form of affection)" You see, I think Reo is one of the characters in the whole manga with whom you quickly feel comfortable; he has a very close, very human vibe. Very relatable. So, I have no doubt you’d feel at ease with him quickly, to the point where you’d let him approach you even from behind for a surprise hug.

✦ And it would make him so happy to receive your affection too. I can’t imagine him not sharing affectionate gestures with his significant other, no way.

✦ Actually, he kind of reminds me of a knight sometimes, you know? The one who opens and holds the door for you, the one who tells everyone on the escalator to move to the right so you can go faster. The one who always orders your dish without the sides you don’t like. Those kinds of small, discreet attentions that are incredibly satisfying to experience daily.

✦ I see him as someone materialistic, so all the gifts you give him, he keeps them carefully at home and doesn’t throw anything away, even if they seem completely ordinary or insignificant. As long as it’s from you, he’ll keep it until his death.

✦ (Which makes me think his inheritance might be complicated)

✦ Two little sunshines <3

A word about your match: I first thought of Niko (the "attracted to the realistic, grounded types" you know) but I figured he would be too quiet and solitary for your need to be with others. Lack of communication, as always.

© TIGREBLVNC 2024 | INTERESTED IN A MATCHUP EXCHANGE? CHECK THIS.

[threecrowsinatrenchcoat]

Paint My Spirit Gold

Dukeceit Week Day 2: Green/Yellow

Fans of the YouTubers "Deceit" and Remus "The Duke" Sanders start to suspect that maybe, just maybe, the two of them are more than simple internet pals.

AO3 Link: [here]

Word Count: 2187

Warnings: n/a

@dukeceitweek <3

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a watercolor-style painting of a snake. The snake appears to be made of melting chocolate, and there is a large bite taken out of its tail. Cherries and jam are leaking out of the snake at the bite wound. The snake's expression of horror is overly-exaggerated to the point of comedy. The caption reads: "liked your snake boi, @SerpenThyme. thanks for the inspo." /end ID]

- 

A notification ding cut Janus off mid-sentence. 

“Wow, someone left their cell phone on, so professional,” he said, giving the camera a dramatic eye roll. That someone was him, of course, because he was the only one in the apartment- just him and the running livestream- but that was no excuse not to be a drama queen about it. He finished wiping flour off his hands and grabbed his phone to silence it; but the notification made him pause. He flicked his eyes up toward the camera and gave a slight smirk.

“My goodness, I’m famous,” he drawled. “The Duke himself has graced little old me with some fan art.”

Most of the comments in the chat wanted him to show it, so Janus opened up Twitter to see the full post he’d been tagged in. It was a watercolor painting of the coiled-snake chocolate sculpture- lovingly named Jake by his viewers- he’d made for his YouTube video last week; it was wearing an expression of such comedic horror that Janus had to stifle a laugh. He flicked his phone screen toward the close-up camera on his counter so his viewers could see.

“How kind of you, Remus,” he said. “All of you should go scold him for what he’s done to poor Jake here.”

Most of his viewers would know he was joking- after all, they were the ones to nickname him Deceit when he provided neither a real or fake name for his online persona. They knew full well what he was like by now.

The oven timer dinged. Janus silenced his phone and set it aside.

“And our first batch of cookies is done. You know, why don’t we show the Duke some appreciation?”

-

[ID: An Instagram post by user @SerpenThyme. The photo is an artistically-framed shot of a stack of sugar cookies with green, yellow, and pink icing. Propped up against the stack is another cookie, with an intricate icing-drawing of an octopus. The photo appears to have been color corrected to have high contrast, low saturation, and a dark vignette at the edges. The Instagram user @OctoDukie is tagged. No caption. /end ID]

- 

“You know, I have often been accused of actually being a little old lady, what with my fondness for knitted jumpers, rocking chairs, and incredibly fucked up murder mystery books. Today I am doing nothing to dispel this accusation, by making soup.”

The studio was dark and empty aside from Remus' workspace. Everyone else had left long ago, even his own brother, which meant that it was officially ass-o'clock in the morning (or, as most people called it, somewhere between 1 and 2 a.m.) But Remus was stuck in hyperfocus, honed in on putting the last touches on a commission that he'd been putting off for weeks. It's not that it was a tough painting- once he'd gotten started, it was actually a very creatively satisfying piece- but man, executive dysfunction could go suck a dick

“French onion soup, specifically. Because while I do like to pretend I am a classy bitch, I am also, regrettably, a lazy bitch with a distaste for anything that takes longer than one bottle of wine to make.”

Remus hated working in silence. It was stifling, almost suffocating. His brain needed noise like his lungs needed air. So when the studio had grown still and silent, Remus had flipped open his laptop and queued up some YouTube videos. 

“So we have here three pounds of onions that we need to slice up, pole to pole. You’re going to cry no matter what, so if you have any memories you’ve been repressing since middle school, now is an excellent time to dredge those up.” 

And if it happened to be 90% SerpenThyme videos, well. Sue him. 

“Now the first rule of caramelizing onions: fast and sloppy is always better than slow and thorough… at least, that’s what every man I’ve ever slept with tells me.”

Remus choked and glanced over to his laptop screen just in time to catch Deceit's trademark smirk directed at the audience just for a moment. It was the deadpan delivery that always got him. Remus could barely hold onto a joke long enough to get through it without cackling mid-punchline, but this fucker could say the funniest shit like an off-hand comment. 

He wiped his hands off on his jeans (what use were clothes if you couldn't use them as paint rags?) and pulled his laptop across the table.  He typed out a quick comment, citing the timestamp of the joke, and after it was posted, he shut his laptop. 

'Cause ass-o'clock was short for "get-your-ass-home-or-I’ll-kick-it" o'clock. 

-

[ID: A screenshot of a YouTube comments section. The first comment is by user TheDuke, and reads: "10:42 wow, rude." The second comment is a reply by user SerpenThyme, and simply reads ";)" /end ID]

-

Janus plopped down on the couch with a slight groan. He didn’t need to stream today, but he really hated missing days. Besides… he was fine. Really. 

He adjusted the camera until he was happy with the framing, and then checked the settings on his streaming software. Satisfied, he started the stream, and watched as his usual viewers rolled in. 

“What do you mean I’m not in my kitchen?” Janus drawled, addressing the chat. He glanced around with an expression of faux-shock on his face. “My goodness, when did that happen?”

He chuckled, and then gestured to his surroundings. “Yes, we are in my living room today. If you must know, my closest and most trusted friend tried to murder me today- yes, Virgil, it was attempted murder and nothing less- and I survived with nary a scratch… and a broken foot, but that is beside the point. Anyway, I’m not allowed to stand for long periods of time, and I may or may not be somewhat inebriated by pain pills and couldn’t stand even if I wanted to. So we are cooking from my couch today.”

Janus paused for a few moments to read the chat messages as they popped up. A few get well soon’s, a few theories about the “attempted murder,” Virgil- who moderated his chat for him- vehemently denying the “attempted murder” but otherwise refusing to clarify the event, and a large volume of wtf why are you streaming today, take care of yourself comments, which made him smile. But one particular comment caught his eye, almost lost amid the torrent of an active chat: wait this kinda looks like the Duke’s living room?

“Oh, VampSuga,” he said, addressing that commenter in particular with a slight smirk. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, since I can’t reach my oven from here, I thought some no-bake cookies were in order. For these you will need-”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Discord conversation. The text reads:

“VampSuga: Ok ok hear me out. Dukeceit. 

Starstruck96: who?

IneffableSnek: lmao

FeralBeauYasha: lol

VampSuga: Deceit and Remus Sanders! They’re totally dating. I will die on this hill. 

FeralBeauYasha: Isn’t the duke w/ PatPat?

IneffableSnek: no thats his brothers bf

FeralBeauYasha: ohh

VampSuga: Did anyone see Deceit’s stream today? I swear that’s the Duke’s livingroom. 

StarStruck96: idk that seems like a stretch

IneffableSnek: no wait i kno what u mean

IneffableSnek: im watching the duke’s old videos and that one where he shows off all his old weapons he’s in a living room kinda like deceit’s 

FeralBeauYasha: They were acting all cute on twitter too

VampSuga: DUKECEIT”  /end ID]

-

"Hey guys, been a while since you've seen my face and not just whatever my hands are busy with, when it's within YouTube's terms and conditions I mean. They used to be way more lenient…" Remus trailed off for a moment, then shook his head sharply and plastered on a grin. 

"Anyway! In June me and a few other creators did a fundraiser for the Trevor Project, and y'all smashed the goal, so I let you decide what video I'd make this month." He paused, and gestured to the mountain of clothes piled behind him on the bed. "And you had so many juicy ideas to choose from, but you decided to dress me up like a Barbie instead."

Remus paused to scroll through his phone for a few moments. "Ah, ok, here we go. Twitter user YoonIsMyCat- oh, BTS, nice- sent in this first outfit. Uh… future Remus, put up the post here somewhere." He gestured vaguely to his right. "Y'all went with either a fuckton more clothes or a fuckton less clothes, which I respect. Apparently this outfit is called…” He squinted at his phone. “Amish chic? I take it back, no respect at all.”

Remus cycled through the outfits his viewers sent in, which ranged from the aforementioned “Amish chic” to “2008 rave attire” to “ok now you guys are just fucking with me” (which consisted of one of those big puffy snow coats, lime green in color; booty shorts with the shrug text emoji across the ass; fuzzy pink boots; and a yellow cowboy hat to top off the whole thing. It was awful. Remus loved it.) The mountain of clothes on the bed gradually became a mess of clothes spread across the floor instead, until there was just one outfit left. 

“Ok so Twitter user VampSuga sent me this outfit that I’m gonna call ‘sexy librarian.’ I couldn’t find this exact sweater online, but-” he paused for dramatic effect, before brandishing a sweater toward the camera like a bullfighter. “My boyfriend had something that was close enough.”

Remus hopped up from the bed and switched off the camera so he could change.

“They’re going to lose their minds,” a voice drawled from the doorway. Remus threw his shirt at him.

“Shoo, I’m getting naked.”

-

[ID: A Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a selfie of YouTuber Remus “The Duke” Sanders, a Hispanic man with his hair dyed green and styled into a spiked mohawk. He is wearing a yellow knitted cardigan over a black button-up shirt. He is grinning widely at the camera. The caption reads: “my viewers pick my outfits! now live on youtube. go see what i look like as a sexy librarian!” /end ID]

-

DukeceitStan

first and only dukeceit shipper ig

DukeceitStan

wow there’s so many of you now! Hi!!

DukeceitStan

i want this to be canon so bad omg

DukeceitStan

i mean just look

[image]

how 

[image]

cute

[image]

[ID: A series of three gifs featuring Youtubers SerpenThyme, aka Deceit, and TheDuke, aka Remus Sanders. Deceit is a black man with long, dreadlocked hair, and vitiligo patches along the left side of his face. Remus is a Hispanic man with green-dyed hair styled into a mohawk, many ear and facial piercings, and tattoos covering both arms. Each gif is edited so that the highlights are tinged yellow when Deceit is seen, and tinged green when Remus is seen.

The first gif depicts a close-up shot of Deceit’s hands as he carefully decorates a cookie with green and yellow icing. The cookie art he is working on appears to be a half-finished octopus. The gif then fades into a mid-shot of Remus, with his back to the camera, facing a canvas. The canvas is blank, and Remus appears to be laying out paints on a table to his left. 

The second gif depicts Deceit seated at his couch, facing the camera. He has many ingredients spread across his coffee table (including oats, cocoa powder, and butter) and appears to be in the process of laying out several more. The gif fades to show Remus seated at a similar couch with a similar coffee table in front of him. The camera is angled slightly downward to better show the myriad of knives spread out across the table. Remus is gesturing wildly with a morning star held in his hand. 

The third gif depicts Deceit in his kitchen. He is pulling on a bright, yellow knitted cardigan, and smirking toward the camera. The gif fades to show Remus in his bedroom, seated on his bed. He is holding up a similar-looking cardigan toward the camera and grinning. /end ID]

- 

“Remus, it’s almost two in the morning. Come to bed.”

“I’m coming, sorry. Twitter distracted me.”

“Mm. I can’t believe the bird app is more distracting than I am.”

“You should try harder.”

“Come to bed and maybe I will.”

“Ok, ok, I’m coming. Hang on though, is it cool if I post this?”

“Sure. They figured it out anyway.”

“Sweet. Ok, Jannie, I’m coming.”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It reads: “Dukeceit is canon.” /end ID] 

[artsy-hobbitses]

pt. 2/2) so they thought my lazy ass was just faking it. convinced me of it too for a good while. probably an overshare, but my point is, this is why it’s so important that people understand, any version of ad(h)d isn’t just inability to sit still. it gets uglier than that. some stims hurt. a lot of associated symptoms aren’t treatable, so we live with them our whole lives. rejection sensitivity is more than just anxiety. executive dysfunction makes us look and feel like helpless bratty children. it gets bad, and trust me, we know just how inconvenient we can be. but the people that see (not look past, but see) all that struggle and still keep us around, do anything more than tolerate us? people like optimus willingly offering the chance to still at least attempt a functional life? i genuinely cannot think of anything right now that means more, to me at least. tldr; that was a really long winded way of saying “hey, you did a thing and did it right and that’s really important to me”, but hey. what kind of nrodiverse fandom gremlin would i be if i wasn’t skilled in info dumps and text walls??anywhomst, tysm for helping Hanley exist❤️💛🧡

Sgdggdhfhf thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! It honestly really helps!

I want to do right by this boy and people who share the same affliction and I’m so relieved he’s on the right track. He’s definitely prone to bouncing off the walls, especially after a successful mission! The processing disorder is what I was hoping to show more of down the line, with him trying his hardest to distance himself from things he automatically sees himself failing (because no one bothered to understand why he’s the way he is, and it’s always been “You’re shit at this, stop it and go do something you’re actually useful at” from his old bosses no matter how hard he struggles with it) and him trying to figure out what parts of his behaviour constitutes as executive dysfunction/his friends helping him to deal with it.

I hope the best for you always in your endeavours and hyperfixations friend! And thank you again!

[sapphosvioletts]

Awww, you and your friend sound like you really get along that’s so sweet!!

And OMG yes, having irl friends can just be so exhausting sometimes - like the more you have, the harder it can get to stay social and provide all that support that comes along with friendship and you can get so burnt out sometimes

But I think my favourite line from the episode was Mobius saying “He could be lying, the long con, of course that just makes him more likely to be a Loki”

I just lost it after that because he’s right!! Cause if he’s been lying that whole time about being a Loki, that just raises the chances of him actually being a Loki cause who else would lie about something like that 😂

And of course I remembered!! I was really interested in hearing about it so I wasn’t going to forget!! Now if we were talking about remembering something I don’t find interesting or don’t like, then chances are I would’ve forgotten as my memory is crap sometimes 😅

But I’m glad to hear that everything went well!! Well, everything aside from you falling on your ass - that sounds like it can hurt with those kinda floors

And thank you!! It’s nice to hear that!! I do find it hard to do stuff sometimes and I’m not sure why - like I can have excess energy and easily be able to do something, yet when it actually comes to do it it seems so hard to be able to like, get together the will to start. Cause once I’ve started it’s always easy and flies by, just starting itself though Is always hard and I’m not sure why. I always just tell people it’s me being lazy, but it’s not usually the case - I just don’t know how to explain it to them without them think I’m coming up with excuses

Idk, either way though thank you for the kind words - it means a lot!!

- 🦋

yeah i love her! and yesss like with my friends, even though i love hanging out with them it gets me so burnt out!!!

and oh my god yes!! because it's it's just an endless loop when you keep thinking about it lmaooo

awhhh shsjsksk you're so sweet 🥺 and yeah sometimes but i've fallen so many times it's not too bad lmao

and it could be because if executive dysfunction!! it's basically a difference in cognitive, emotional, and behavioral difficulties in the brain that a lot of ND people have. getting started on tasks is part of it, it can be really difficult, even simple tasks. because for neurotypicals some tasks just come so easily to them, but with executive dysfunction it is a lot more difficult. like every night my executive dysfunction really shows when i need to get in the shower, even though i love showers. but there's so many steps that NTs don't even have to think about, but to us is exhausting because there are just so many tiny steps to doing something so simple. like you have to get up, grab a towel, my phone (for music lmao), then go to the bathroom, turn on the shower, put the towel up, and so on and so on and to NTs that's so simple, but for us those tiny steps are much more noticeable

i hope that made any sense lol but just know you aren't lazy, it could just be executive dysfunction!

[flipchild]

2, 10, 13, 24, 28, 30, 33, 36, 39, 40, 46 for the asks. oh thats a lot

what is your problem <3 you're lucky I am avoiding work

2: Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it?

both; black coffee; black tea, usually chai or Bigelow lemon lift; my favorite tea is lapsang souchong

and I like a cappy chino wrt espresso

10: How tall are you?

5' 10" (177.8 cm)

13: Fears?

Snakes! I am fine looking at them but my adrenaline response goes OFF whenever I see one out hiking.

I used to be afraid of heights but I climbed rocks and bridges to get over that and now I like to climb and shut off my fear of heights.

Getting stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out, or not caring to get out. I can see myself as a bitter alcoholic in some futures (not that that is such an awful thing to be-- I just do not want that for me because it would be an awful thing for me that I would have trouble placing myself outside of it bc eventually i would desire to do so (however distant and vague.) Relapsing in general, I have an inability to self-regulate THC use if obtaining weed is an available choice. If I don't view it as an inability, I WILL justify using (with or without my noticing of doing so.)

24: When was the last time you cried? Why?

I've been on SSRIs since high school, which I think is actually the last time? I would really like to cry sometime soon, I could use it.

I was in theatre and cried over doing last shows with my friends. I only rly cried when ppl were leaving my life (breakups, last times, etc). I have a trait inherited from my mother (and just from like, society) that I rly hate being seen crying so it's always behind closed doors.

28: How are you, really?

uhhh. I'm alright. Today hasn't been particularly eventful, but I think I've established a baseline where I can't lay-about. I have a lot of trouble relaxing, which is why I smoked in the first place (if you want to pathologize, and yeah it is resultant from "ADHD" and deleterious in the environment I live in, you could call it vigilance.)

Ready to move out: I am nervous for the upcoming semester since I'm more set up for success than I've ever been. I've had trouble academically due to executive dysfunction and lacking time-management skills, and so a lot of my summer has been working on growth and healing etc. oh and making up late work. I got a YEAR extension on two final essays which is incredibly dangerous for someone with the conditions I have. but I'm almost done with the first class (at least 60% of the work!)

Growing, being myself, becoming myself... doing so in my home environment is exhausting. Realizing I have a codependent relationship with both my parents, and trying 2 set the boundary where even tho I know how to fix their communication issues, it is not and should not be my job to be my mother's sole confidant and communication-teacher.

30: What are you looking forward to in the near future?

I have an apartment I'm living in with two of my friends and I think it will b rly good for me. We are all fairly recovery-minded and two ppl with executive dysfunction living together helps both out immensely. Excited 2b back in city, not excited 2 lift unwieldy furniture.

Going back 2 school, going back 2 my job at the climbing wall (i have hardly climbed all summer!!!), I have a friend who I think I have a crush on, I just need 2 ask her out for realsies. we went on a date before summer and I don't want to lead her on / leave her in limbo. but she's sweet and smart and works harder than I ever could and I do genuinely think we enjoy and lift up each other.

33: Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed

I could never ever ever sleep with my door open. at home my door is allllllways closed if i'm not in my room. Partially an addict thing but I've always done so. I scrap for every scrap of privacy I get here.

36: Do you like your middle name?

Yeah! Not to doxx myself, but it's Sinclair-- I initially thought to change my name to Claire as a shortening, but that would simply make my name Claire Sinclair and while that is funny it's not as funny as my initials being ASS (which they are.)

39: Do you stay up late?

usually and since forever. In highschool it was BC that was the time I could be lazy/do what I wanted/pace around to music. In college it is because I didn't make enough of my day so I had to bail out my shipwreck fueled by french press and crisis.

40: Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy?

Yes!!! I love to swim in saltwater. I am not a strong swimmer so I am afraid to go far out. I like it sunny BC its usually the most light exposure I get all summer so my freckles come in ^_^

46: What do you need when you’re sad?

a hug, a cup of hot drink, some time alone with the promise that I'll have someone to talk to when I'm ready,

IDK. I have not had anyone close 2 me who I feel comfortable sharing that I'm sad with in far too long... Like ostensibly my parents COULD provide that but they're too busy hounding me over productivity. maybe remy or elle or laney could do that for me. or Dusty or Jos. actually those last 2 strike me as the best equipped 2 help me thru great sadness... not that I particularly experience anything more than regret or malaise too often...

thanks for sending me 200000 questions, anon. I love you. I hate you

[minnnieminmin]

30 days of autism acceptance but i only choose the prompts i want to:

April 3rd: How do you feel about dating/romantic relationships? Have you dated in the past/are you currently in a relationship/do you eventually want one? Do you feel that your experience of autism/stereotypes around autism and relationships impacts this? 

-have never dated and don’t have any desire to. 

April 4th: Are there any topics regarding autism that you feel don’t get discussed enough?

-oof, a lot. the fact that allistics/NT’s still talk over us/treat us like children, advocate for the wrong autism charities because they couldn’t be assed to google an actual good one. the fact everyone thinks we’re either useless members of society or that we all have some super special talented that ‘’makes up’’ for our autism. i have lots more but i’ll keep it short.

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

-i’m actually very good at sarcasm. mostly because of NT’s who think i’m dumb so i retort with very sarcastic answers just to shove it in their faces. no i don’t take everything literally either

April 10th: How important is representation to you? Is the representation that is out there generally good or bad? What is your favorite piece of representation? What you like to see more of in autism representation? What would you like to see less of?

-it’s important but it’s not at the very top of my list tbh.

April 11th: What are your thoughts/feelings about masking (a term for when autistic people hide their autistic traits)? Do you mask? 

-i mask a lot. mostly because i’m scared of being seen as ‘’overly autistic’’ because of, ya you know, ableism.

April 12th: Is there anything you find hard to do because of being autistic? Is there anything that you find easy?

-hard: talking to strangers, change. easy: talking/having deep conversations, reading facial expressions/body language, using sarcasm

April 14th: What do you like about being autistic?

-having special interests/hyperfixations (NT’s will never understand lmao), being a lot more genuine, honest and nicer than the average NT.

April 15th: Do you work? If so, what is that like for you? Are you open about being autistic at work? Alternatively, how open are you about being autistic? Do you tell a lot of people? Or just a select few? How do people normally react when you tell them? If you don’t tell people, then why? 

-i don’t work and i’m embarrassed by it. 

April 16th: What did it feel like when you interacted with other autistic people for the first time? What does the autistic community mean to you? How important is it? 

-it’s great to have a place where you’re understood and you can vent about our struggles. the community really helped me accept myself in a lot of ways. shout out to y’all 

April 17th: How do you feel about terms like “special needs”?

-not a fan but if other ND’s like it then that’s fine 

April 18th: Talk about identity. Is being autistic an important part of your identity? What does being autistic mean to you? Which do you prefer: identity first or person first language and why? 

-i used to use person with autism but then i recently changed over to autistic person. i think of it in two ways. that A) it’s only a small piece of the whole pie that is me/my personality. and B) even saying that it still does color everything that i do. every choice i made is because i’m autistic. i literally can’t help that

 April 19th: Do you enjoy music, or do you find it overstimulating? If you do like music, what kind of music do you prefer?

-people who listen to music all the time honestly confuse me. i only actively listen to music when i really want to/crave it. sometimes i’ll fixation on the same song/same band for a week or more. i do get overwhelmed if i listen to music for too long though

April 20th: What are some things that allistic people do that you find confusing?

-everything lol.  

April 21st: Do you stim? If so, what are your favourite ways of stimming? What does stimming feel like for you? 

-hand flaps, cracking knuckles (i know it’s bad yeah yeah), vocal stims (just high pitched noises) bite the inside of my mouth, probably other minor ones that i’m forgetting

April 22nd: What are some things allistic people can do to better support/accommodate autistic people?

-just not be ableist pricks and talk over us all the time. abolish autismspeaks and other sites similar to it. not solely focus on autistic children but teenagers and especially adults too. stop having both very low or very high expectations of us, stop treating autistic adults like children, stop making us think that we’re a burden, stop using us to make yourselves look better.

April 25th: Do you experience executive dysfunction? If so, how often? What is it like for you? What do you wish neurotypicals understood about it?

-yes!!! i use the spoon theory thing. it’s very annoying to have tbh, especially when you want to do things that you actually enjoy but can’t do. NT’s need to understand that’s not being lazy it’s being mentally and physically unable to do certain things. 

April 27th: What is your favourite form of media? For example, do you enjoy books? What format do you prefer for books (physical, e-book, audiobook)? Did you love reading as a kid but find it challenging as you got older? How about movies, tv, or video games? Do you have a favourite series? 

-youtube, tv shows and movies are my favorite medium. 

April 28th: If you could give advice to someone who just found out that they are autistic, what advice would you give? 

-i’d give them a friendly slap on the back and say ‘’good luck pal’’ lol. honestly though even i don’t know what to do i’m still trying to figure it out

April 30th: What would you like your overall message for autism acceptance month to be? 

-just that we’re cool people and NT’s need to shut the fuck up and sit down and listen tbh

[adhdstudybitch]

Practical Tips for ADHD College Students

I know a few posts like this already exist, but I wanted to add my own experiences to the mix in case it would be helpful to someone else. Some of these will look familiar, some not so much.

Disclaimers: 1) What works for me may not work for you, take everything with a grain of salt and experiment, 2) These are what I’m using for a 4-year school but I imagine it would be applicable for any college? I wish I’d known to do some of these things when I was at CC, 3) I won’t pretend that I am an ADHD success story, not yet. I’m still finding my way, learning to cope, learning to thrive. It’s a process.

NOTE: This post is kinda long; if it’s too long I recommend just reading the bolded/italicized headings and only reading the ones that pique your interest :)

Sensory Issues:

Wear comfortable clothing: Screw the mentality that you always have to look your best in college. At the end of the day, feeling hot but ridiculously uncomfortable will trigger sensory issues (especially if you’re someone who is sensitive to certain materials/styles of clothing) and it will impact concentration and can cause a lot of distress. Are you comfortable in those sweatpants, pajama bottoms, baggy shirts? Cool, wear them. 

Stim toys: Love yourself, buy (or make!) stim toys and bring them to school. Can’t speak for CC because I didn’t use stim toys when I went, but at my 4-year school everyone is too busy drowning in deadlines to notice you squishing thinking putty or using a fidget cube under the table. 

Try different stim toys: I used to get caught up on trying to make the more popular stim toys work for me when they didn’t, so I had to experiment a bit to see what worked. It’s not always as simple as cubes, spinners, squishy toys, etc. If you have issues with texture you’ll want to really experiment, especially with things like putty, squishibles, etc. to see what is comfortable and what isn’t. But there’s a big ol’ market out there!

Headphones/Earplugs: The single most helpful sensory detail for me was always bringing my headphones to campus. I get easily overstimulated in uncontrolled situations with lots of different sounds. I make sure my volume is enough to block the noise out, but the songs I choose in these instances are usually familiar, so they don’t provide too much new stimulation when I can’t handle it. I also keep earplugs in my backpack for exams.

Studying/School Related:

If possible, leave your house: This has been one of the hardest changes I’ve had to make because I’m an introvert and genuinely prefer being home. But I’m starting to learn that my ass will not do work 9/10 times when I’m home. Too much to do, too many other things to get done, lots of fun distractions, and cats! So many cats! Unfortunately cats won’t take my exams. I’ve found that the library is okay, but for me small cafes worked much better. Armed with my headphones, some coffee, and an atmosphere that caters to silently getting work done, I’m able to focus longer, and to focus on what I really need to.

Note-taker: Admittedly I’m talking out of my ass on this one, because I haven’t yet done this. But that’s exactly why I want to stress getting a note-taker. My college life would be infinitely better if I’d done this when the semester started; instead, my notes have gaps where I couldn’t concentrate, or couldn’t process what was being discussed, etc. 

Other accommodations: Accommodations for ADHD differ depending on the college, but some of the common ones are: note-takers, silent exam spaces, assignment extensions, and use of tech such as recorders, speech-to-text software... If you’re like I was and are worried that you’re asking too much asking for accommodations, remember two important things: 1) Accommodations exist to level the playing field, not to give us an edge, and 2) YOU PAY FOR THIS SERVICES. That huge, overwhelming tuition bill with all those “extra fees”? You’re paying for these services already, might as well take advantage of them!

Talk to your professors: This part is truly terrifying for me, but I’ve started opening up this semester to my professors and it has made a difference. The professor for my hardest class actually has a son with adhd so she understood and was even able to provide me with some resources that would help. At the very least, it made my professors aware of my struggles and aware that I wasn’t just being lazy, which calmed my RSD a bit.

Organization: Staying organized is important for any college student, but especially for those with adhd. We lose things a lot, and if things aren’t in obvious, constant places it becomes so much easier to lose or forget where we put things. That being said, your ‘organized’ will probably not be other peoples ‘organized’. For example, I use my Ipsy bags for organization. One holds any writing utensils, flashcards, and post-its, another holds anything medical-related, etc. It seems a bit cluttered and disorganized to other people but it works for me. So try keeping things in the same spot if possible, but remember that finding what organizational structures work for you might take time and effort. If your school has success coaching, I highly recommend it for this purpose! Which brings me to the next point.

Success Coaching: Most colleges offer some kind of program like this, though names may differ. Success Coaching is designed for students of any academic level in order to help them get and stay on track. My college offers study skills, schedule planning, test prep, time management, help navigating campus resources, and a whole host of others. And the people doing the coaching are usually grad students who’ve been through the process. They’re typically trained in working with students with adhd, because that tends to be a significant portion of their students. They’re also just really nice to talk to. Almost like a therapist, but not quite.

Really forgetful? The best thing you can do is change your environment, not try to change yourself. You probably won’t be able to stop your brain from forgetting your notebook at home, but you can get a five subject and keep it in your backpack at all times. Same with folders. Keep losing pens/pencils? Just get a fuckton and shove them in a pouch in your backpack in the beginning of the semester. I’m not kidding when I say I have at least 20 pens and pencils in mine, not including the glitter pens and highlighters. 

Planners: Many people have said that it will take time to find just the right planner for you, and they’re correct. The planner I use right now is 8x11 with wide boxes. Some prefer smaller planners, others will use planner apps or just the calendar in their phone. You’ll have to mess around a bit to see what works for you, but you do have options!

Printables: Oh man I love printables so much, but a lot of the time I find that they’re more trouble maintaining than my adhd can handle. You can find a ton on tumblr, free to download and print, and some very beautiful packs for sale on etsy. Right now I use a monthly budget printable and one for studying terms/definitions. Sometimes the adhd mind needs something pretty and different to cling to, so I try to switch things up every so often.

Color-coding: This absolutely will not work for everyone (I’ve seen people say color-coding notes gets the hung up on the coding and not the notes, and I can definitely see that happening). For me, I use color-coding in my planner. Each class gets its own color. This keeps me from seeing a page covered in the same color of ink or pencil and mentally blocking it out. Gelly roll has the most amazing glitter pens!

Test prep: Will vary depending on the person and how they learn best, but for me I’ve found that no one method will work on its own. I have class notes, typed notes, hand-written flashcards, flashcards on quizlet. I won’t pretend that it’s easy; it’s fuck-all time consuming and sometimes I don’t have energy for it, but depending on the class I usually need a combination of at least two different methods to work. This is definitely something success coaching can work with you to figure out!

General Life Advice (that will impact college):

Get on a sleep schedule: I don’t even care what your particular schedule is (because it’ll vary person to person) but just get on one. Much easier said than done, because our brains never want to shut up at night, but lack of a consistent sleep schedule will mess with your concentration, focus, hypersensitivity, etc. 

I’ll just do this later...: is the adhd monster talking. What even is later? Does it exist? Sometimes I have to tell myself “nope, we’re doing this right now!” Doesn’t always work, but I try my hardest to do things in the moment if executive dysfunction isn’t at my door.

Develop a support system: This can be difficult because sometimes making and maintaining friendships with adhd can be hard, and sometimes family members aren’t very receptive or supportive. But a strong support system can make all the difference in the world! If your current friends don’t understand the extent of what you’re dealing with, send some resources their way and you might be surprised how fast they get in your corner. But sometimes people without adhd just don’t get it. If your college has a meet-up for students with adhd like mine does, this is a great place to meet like-minded students who understand what you’re going through and can provide support and advice! 

I’m going to stop this here because it’s already too long, but I hope this is helpful to someone and I’d love it if you could add your own tips as well! 

[evans-heaven]

My (spoiler free) Knives Out Review 🔪🔪🔪

No one asked for this but I’m doing it anyway cause I have way too much time on my hands lol. Please don’t take me seriously on this, I’m no professional film critic, just someone who loved this movie with every fiber of her being and wants to share why. This is all in good fun so kindly keep that in mind :) I’ll be giving my honest review of the movie itself and my opinion on some of the performances- which will remain completely unbiased.

Just kidding! Y’all know how I feel about Chris lol, he’s my fave so lbr, he was my favorite part of the film and no one comes close to him :)

That being said, let’s jump into this semi unbiased (also unedited cause I’m lazy) review!!

The actors:

Daniel Craig

I’m not too familiar with his past work outside of the Bond films so I went in pretty blind in terms of what to expect from him. Ngl, it took a lot outta me to get past that Foghorn Leghorn ass accent lol, but Benny definitely grew on me. Just the way he carried himself had me so enthralled in his character, and I commend Daniel for that. His performance was one of the stand outs. A favorite character of mine, hands down.

Ana De Armas

Honestly, its damn near impossible to leave the cinema without being blown away by this girl. I didn’t know much of her before this film, but I know for sure its gonna carry her places. Marta was brought to life by her in one of the most beautiful, yet heartbreaking ways. She played the role of a devoted, kind hearted nurse perfectly, and I can absolutely see why she’s receiving so much praise. 

Christopher Plummer

I’ll start off by saying, his chemistry with Ana was unmatched. And, to be honest, it had to be, for the depth of the relationship between Harlan and Marta to really be felt. *That* scene (those who have seen the film will know) had my heart pounding in my chest, the way it was executed by him was brilliant and nerve wracking and I’d be damned if I didn’t say it almost gave me a panic attack. I literally felt what Marta was feeling-Christopher’s performance was THAT real and THAT captivating. 

Toni Collette

Had. Me. Dying. She’s another actor who I think deserves way more praise. Joni’s energy during the entire film is just laughable, even if its just a small snippet of her doing yoga, or one of her (quotable af) one liners.

Jamie Lee Curtis

I’m pretty familiar with Jamie so I knew she would deliver-and she did, and I loved her character. I think she deserves way more praise than she’s getting tbh. Linda was a whole ass mood throughout the entire film. She cut no bullshit and didn’t take any from anyone. It was pretty clear she was hanging by a thread amidst all the drama. And with that dysfunctional ass family, who could blame her lmfao.

Chris Evans (aka the absolute light and love of my life)

Give him the Golden Globe the SAG Award the Critics Choice Award the BAFTA and the Academy Award or so help me God I will burn every single one of them to the fucking ground for not giving him what he deserves right fucking now. He stole every single scene he was in, regardless of whether or not he just sat there with a (sexy af) smirk on his face. Didn’t matter if he was having an asshole moment, or if he had to be subtle, sly and soft spoken, Chris delivered flawlessly. I’m so damn proud of him for this performance more than any other. Why? Because after years of playing ‘Merica’s sweetheart, he switched it up and turned the tables on Hollywood and the general public proving he’s more than Steve or Cap, and he has the range and ability to be someone the total opposite. Again, flawlessly. Ransom kept us on our toes and we know damn well he can keep us on our knees too lmfao. Chris’ chemistry is palpable with everyone he interacts with and that just drew me to him even more (yes, it was possible lol). Whether you love to hate him or hate to love him, Hugh Ransom Drysdale just became an icon, because he was played by another icon himself who deserves every last bit of love and praise he is getting for this film.

But we have to be honest for a second here, the REAL star and scene stealer of this movie was that damn white sweater. Don’t get me wrong, the blue one was cute too, but the white one, man.... 😭

Overall film

The plot, the performances, the shock factor, the writing, the PERFORMANCES, goddamn, Rian Johnson created a whole masterpiece, and the cast truly made this film one worth the praise its receiving. Every last detail, you can tell, was well thought out and planted perfectly. It places the audience right in the middle of the case. All while being a fun, entertaining flick, its also one that keeps you at the edge of your seat, and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I’d watch with caution, cause you may or may not be leaving with a severe case of whip lash from all the twists and turns the plot takes. But, we love them anyway. Its a 96% on Rotten Tomatoes well earned for everyone involved.

My rating: 10/10, 5 stars,100%. Best I’ve seen this year in film. And you bet your ass I’m going to put myself through that rollercoaster of emotions all over again😜

Again, keep in mind this is all in good fun so please don’t be in my notes trying to criticize or police me lol

[chaotic-adhd-babe]

Heyo Lovely followers/ anyone reading this

Ive recently realized that I havent really told you guys much about myself (or anything at all- I havent even done an intro post) so here ya go if anyone wants to know

About me

I'm maddy! (She/ her/ hers)

Im in my early 20s

I have ADHD PI, diagnosed when I was 17.

I am chaotic all the way on the character alignment chart, But also my life is just chaotic.

I made this blog specifically to:

Connect with other ADHDers and find community through that

Learn about my ADHD as I recover and get my life sorted out from the hellish hot disaster-mess it was before, One day at a time

I'm applying to nursing school right now (ADHD in nursing school= God Help me😬)

Currently my adhd ass is unmedicated (pray for me) but hopefully I will be on meds before nursing school, and in the meantime Im reading You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! (great book so far- I highly reccommend it to other ADHDers esp those newly diagnosed-its here) and Im collecting positive adaptive coping mechanisms and strategies like a damn packrat.

Here are some fun facts about my life:

I want to be a nurse

I need to go to nursing school to be a nurse

I'm scared shitless of going to nursing school more than anything else, except for maybe like losing my mom or something like that

Im trying to get accepted to nursing school anyways so I can be a nurse but doing that is... uuugh shitty and frustrating and it really Executives all of my Dysfunctions

Also lately I've been struggling with some god-awful anxiety, although I have no known disorders connected to this. I'm a beginner in dealing with anxiety (I see now that Ive had it for years But honestly this is the 1st time Ive identified it as that or started trying to manage it) and I'm seeing that there's a big learning curve with it. Even though it scares the hell out of me, Im not giving up!

When I was diagnosed and for a like a full 4 years afterward, I didnt know shit about ADHD. I got diagnosed and legit just decided to push that out of my mind for 4 years, I think because I wasnt ready yet to deal with all the shit that came with accepting that I'd been living with this damn disordered brain for my whole life without ever knowing about it. But recently Ive decided to start educating myself about ADHD. Since that time I have learned so damn much its amazing,

And now Im hyperfixating on it (Im not even sorry Lol), so if you have a question please ask! You're always welcome to drop asks here But I'm not a mental health professional and I have no psych degrees- I'm just a struggling, very frustrated, discouraged but still trying like hell everyday, simple ADHD bitch hoping for some better days ahead.

I am 1000% sure there are countless ppl on here who know way more about ADHD/ neurodivergence in general than I do, but I'll do my best. Now Im kinda thinking that my interest in ADHD might actually stick around for good too so that'd be cool

Im one of those ADHDers who's also introverted as hell and I consider my alone time to be on the same level as food and water. (at least regarding mental health)

Also I post about mental health and neurodivergence.

I realize that my ADHD has caused so, so many problems. My ADHD has completely wrecked havoc and caused all hell to break loose in all areas of my life. It's also made me feel miserable, and left me feeling like I am always, always constantly floundering and struggling to find stable ground. To be honest I am so so fucking frustrated and discouraged and ashamed and angry and insecure about the state my life is in right now, sometimes I dont know how I'm gonna get through the day without breaking down. I am so so damn sick and tired of living like this everyday.

But I want to get better more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I dont want to live like this anymore. No one should have to live like that. I'm still trying like holy hell everyday, and goddamnit Im gonna figure this shit out if it kills me. Watch me die trying if you'd like!

Im looking for interaction with other ADHDers and I made this blog so I could find community with people who have brains like mine and who struggle with things similar to what I struggle with, so really you are more than welcome to reach out to me.

Thank you for reading this post/ stopping by/ following me :) I hope you have a good day/night! Please try to go easy on yourself if you can.

[tubaterry]

adhd time management practice

Hey so how do you keep track of the shit that you need to do in the next few days?  Luck?  Zoning out and stressing that you’re falling further behind? A series of task management tools designed for neurotypicals that only add “paperwork” to the overhead of getting your shit done?  (You know the ones - 800 customization options, complex scheduling and rulesystems, complete disconnect from any other computer systems you log into at work, 22 step process to get from “I need to do a thing” to “The computer will make me acknowledge that the thing was planned”)

if you’re ADHD like me and especially if like me you have issues with time blindness or won’t ever finish any-fucking-thing without a deadline attached, check this shit out. Ages ago when I was helpdesk our scheduling system worked kinda like this and I’ve been missing it bad since then.

Check out this fuckin’ drag and drop( task -> calendar ) app: TrevorAI

Make a new task, typing only as much as you need to remember what it was you needed to do.  “Take out the trash”, or “Call Dr. P about the wrist thing”, whatever.  Hashtag it if you really want organization.

Take that new task, and drag it onto your calendar. Repeat until you’ve got like... a day and a half to two days of work scheduled out.*

As the day goes on, either set aside the task for later (by creating a new task to be scheduled later), or finish the job and move other tasks to accommodate.

When you finish, resize the task on your calendar so it matches how much time you actually spent.

Later on: look back and see how many tasks you checked off.

* this is meant for short-term day-to-day. Scheduling out too far makes it harder to adjust and adds stress

Tips

These are small tasks: if it’s gonna be more than an hour, two tops - it’s a project.  Tasks are a single action or repeated action.  Projects you keep separate but pre-plan by breaking them into smaller tasks in a text file/email/whatever document storage you’re using.  When you run low on tasks, pull the next few in from your in-progress projects.  

Example: catching up on yardwork would be a project. A task might be ‘pull weeds in back rock garden’, or ‘mow back yard’.

Example 2: Update car registration might be “print registration form and fill out”, “get registration forms, fees, IDs in backpack”, “drop off at DMV”

When setting it up, i recommend setting the reminder time to “at time of event” so your upcoming task doesn’t intrude into your current task’s space.

If you prioritize at all, make prioritizing into its own task. In the moment, it has to be “I have time to schedule, I will drop the first item on the list onto my calendar.” Honestly you might get solid results just by going “top of the list goes to the next available calendar slot that will fit it”. No decision here, just pattern.

What do you get out of it?

A low friction task management system. Type like 4 words, drag to calendar.  You can schedule an entire day in 5 minutes and adjusting on the fly doesn’t feel like a task in and of itself.

Well, microdeadlines are fucking phenomenal for minimizing my executive dysfunction.  They’re also hilariously low-key.  Like, what better way to confront deadline anxiety by having a few no-consequence ones each week? Like, what happens if any random task gets completed half an hour later than you planned? Honestly: you planned it for once so it probably got done faster than usual

Which, another great point: The looking-back especially shows you how much you got done in a given day.  And after a while it’s probably significantly more than you think.  Especially if you’re ADHD and got the usual “lazy\spacey\unreliable” bullshit from people who should have been better at loving you.

Why does it work?

I’m not a sciency type so this is me pulling an idea out of my ass and subsequently yeeting it the fuck into the wind: It meshes well with my ADHD brain. it plays to our strengths.

I’m drawn heavily towards patterns, especially habits.  This gives “plan your day” a distinct pattern

The low effort required, combined with the rote pattern makes it feel more like part of the tasks you’re doing rather than its own task, it doesn’t trip off my executive dysfunction activation threshold. (You know: too much to do, must shut down. can’t do anything now)

Same with the weird memory recall issues I have. (I’m done with this thing, it no longer exists) If you don’t finish something in the time you have, you create a new task (remember, you need to credit yourself for the work you’ve done so far) to complete the first. And that can happen before you move on and the context drops.

Like “zero-based budgeting” it intrinsically acknowledges that the reality is more important than the plan.. It also establishes a pattern that makes it easier to habituate your own version of healthy responses to disruptions of plans in low-impact, low-stress ways.

Speaking of: also great low-key practice for decision-making, time estimating, all that jazz.(especially since the deliberately minimal prioritization system makes it as easy as “what is the next timeslot available?”)

Looking back at a full week is some hella satisfying dopamine rush especially since you probably spent a total of half an hour that week managing your schedule.  (and probably even less once you get used to it)

idk, I just think tools like this fit the patterns that work well for us ADHD folk better than a lot of more typical time management apps/systems.

Again, important note: I’m full of shit, but I do hope I’m right.

anyway, check out this schedule snippet from today.  Even looking at it I don’t feel like I did this much. And this computer isn’t synced up to my work email so it’s missing a couple meetings!  (Side note: “What’d you do yesterday?” “well...”)

If you use Gmail or the Mac outlook, your calendar here can be fully integrated the rest of your calendar, showing up as a separate calendar category.

Idk just like the other day I got mad at myself for having stared at a wall or otherwise entirely lost YET ANOTHER WORK DAY, forcing myself to play catch up.  I got fed up and poked around and as far as I can tell, nobody else is doing this RIGHT (at least RIGHT... for my needs).

Give it a shot.

[anonymoustoddler]

I got stoned and found out some things and started writing a facebook post. And then... it turned into whatever the hell this is:

I went to NYU from 2005-2009.

Ilana Glazer.. apparently went to NYU from 2005-2009.

We graduated at the same time.

ALSO, I thought Rachel Bloom was older but NO, she was there too. And everyone seems to know her except for me.

She didn’t even go to Tisch, or study acting or writing or.. any of it. Rachel did. But all three of us sat in Yankee Stadium at the same time and listened to Hillary Clinton give our graduation speech. We had all the same opportunities and general access, the same potential for experience, exposure, connections, and a career.

And now they are there.

And my BFA’d ass is... right here.

It’s just really strange to think about that. Maybe if I had somehow done things quite differently, I’d be there instead.

Probably not, to be honest. I know I’ve never had whatever that thing is that makes certain people magnetic. I’ve never been the one to stand out in adulthood. I think, in fact, that many people find me rather dull compared to the shine of others in this field. But maybe... maybe if I’d really worked for it, for real. Maybe if I could have put everything into the work instead of most of it into all the wrong places with just a shaving of energy and effort and commitment left over.

But also. Something happened to me, back then. When I left Northview and Grand Rapids and Michigan to head for New York, I believed in my talent. I believed in myself in that way, if not much else. I knew I could do it, and do it well.

A lot of people seem to come into themselves in college. Find themselves, find their people, their passions and strengths, their future. But I think I had the opposite experience altogether. From my very first day in New York, I felt Weird. Different. Loser. Less than. Behind. Misunderstood. Shamed. Overlooked. Ignored. Doubtful. Anxious. Depressed. Afraid. Embarrassed. Hidden. Invisible.

It was a slow motion dissent into the earlier stages of where I am now. But nobody noticed. No one saw an eating disorder or depression or tremendous anxiety. No one saw severe mood instability, executive dysfunction, a strained and codependent and complicated two person family relationship. No one saw the things going on and attributed them to “She’s not ok.” It was always, “She’s immature. She’s selfish and lazy. She doesn’t WANT to grow up, so she’s keeping herself in states of dependency so she never has to try.” “She just doesn’t want any of it badly enough. If she did, she’d be doing the work to get it.”

I wonder, sometimes. If I hadn’t been sick and scared and alone, with only so much understanding at the time of what was happening to me and no understanding of what I was preparing to become; if I had real and proper help from any doctor or professor or from my mom - because I did not understand the severity of my need for help back then, and I thought my family doctor, a PA who actually really fucked up my life multiple times with her loose prescription pad and severe lack of knowledge of what she was doing, had me covered - what might I have accomplished instead of spending most of my free time in bed, balancing a part time job but barely able to take on anything else. 30 hours a week in retail plus commuting was literally everything I had in me WHEN I WAS AT MY BEST IN LIFE. When I was the closest I ever got to being a rack rate size, when I was still able to prioritize limited money spending, still eating both regularly and healthfully (as much so as I’ve ever been), still exercising simply by getting around, sleeping ok enough for the most part and generally on a more normalized schedule. I mean — I got up at 6 to be at work at 8 OFTEN. It was excruciating sometimes, but other times it was fun to get up and get ready for work. I had routines. I loved getting off the train at my SoHo stop and, depending on which line I took and how much time I had, getting my coffee at Starbucks or at Aroma, so overpriced but an entirely different experience and worth the convenience and sometimes a pastry to go along.

I’ve gotten quite entirely away from myself, but.. I was doing the best I’ve ever done or maybe will ever do. And I still could not work to pay my bills and also take voice and tap and jazz and scene study and exclusive workshops and networking events and open calls and appointment auditions and keeping up with theater and film and the business and and and.

I went to a handful of auditions in 2013 and 2014 - My Only Almost Good Years. Things were actually pretty horrible for the majority of them but it was also mostly the closest I ever got to Good in the beginning.

Regardless, I subscribed to Actors Access and I got the only real headshots I ever had taken and I submitted and submitted and submitted (not nearly as regularly or often as I should have, because I was still too scared then. I still gave a shit.) and I very occasionally got an audition. I submitted for a commercial call Under 18 girls skin care. I got called in. When the CD saw me, she told me they were only considering minors, but she wanted to keep my headshot and info anyway. I never heard from her again.

I got a call for a short film once (or was it a web series? Who knows) and even got a callback. But no part.

I did one show in those two years. Technically I guess one could argue two if you count the weird little Christmas play I did for no money right after I moved at the end of 2012, but. Aside from that... one casting. One.

In New Jersey. No pay - travel stipend included.

I was 24 years old playing a 12 year old in an aged down musical version of Three Sisters set in 1970s New Jersey. “We have to get back to Mosc- New York City!” But with generic numbers telling most of what little story there was.

And then I took an acting class, I fell and injured myself, my body wasn’t ever the same after that, and by the time my shoulder was as normal as it would ever be again, my brain was really starting to crack. I was depressed and anxious. I hated living in Brooklyn, I hated having no friends after so briefly being close with Jenn. I hated my roommate, the only man I had ever lived with before George. And no wonder. He was one of the worst people I’ve ever met, I think. The worst kind of fucked up Entitled Vaguely Wealthy White Male. He enjoyed making me upset, making me feel unsafe. He listened to me express my issues with things he did and instead of even pretending to care about living harmoniously, he laughed in my face and used every chance he could get to fuck with me for the kick of it. He was rude and weird and cold and cruel and cocky and prideful and hateful and gross and mean. He was selfish and thoughtless and manipulative. I knew he felt wrong from the moment I met him. I knew. But our third roommate was chill and relaxed and flexible, she seemed to get along with both of us enough so I thought she could and would act as a buffer if it ever came to that. I knew but I loved the apartment, and he found it and I didn’t have any friends to grab it out from under him with. I knew he was a bad guy and someone I might well have real trouble with and discomfort around, but Jenn had gone silent and enemy for reasons and in ways I will never, ever understand. One day she was my friend, and the next she was putting locks on her doors and saying I should really move out of HER apartment as soon as possible. She stopped speaking to me. She passive aggressively left disgusting messes all over the apartment. She locked the living room television in her bedroom and told some version of events in which I was the bad guy somehow to friends who we both went to school with, people I knew and liked. They in turn randomly met my coworkers and proceeded to say horrible things about me, and the only reason I even know is because one of them told me about it in the break room the next time I worked.

I knew Nick was a terrible risk in multiple ways. But I had to get out of the apartment because at the time I didn’t think it could be worse than living with Jenn, and Dan was a third who I thought would be in my corner, and the apartment was so much nicer than most of the places I had lived. I thought I could make it work. I thought that move was going to save me.

By the time my headshots were taken, I was beginning to lose feeling in my legs. I was struggling to keep treading water and starting to drown. I never got the free retouching because I never chose my final shots. I never chose because I barely submitted for auditions. I was doing on partial leave from work and doing as much physical therapy as I could afford to copays for, I was taking percocet for months and months because the pain wouldn’t go away. Something’s Wrong, I said. The Scans Look Normal, Try Taking Ibuprofen. I was home and hiding in bed more and more often. I extended my work leave and gave shifts away as much as I could. I went to therapy and a middle aged white woman with long beaded necklaces and a New Age Buddhism vibe in a shoebox office on the Upper East Side was getting tired of me and my lack of progress and consistent last minute cancellation of appointments. I went back to work and had panic attacks that kept me sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour, so many shifts spent partially alone sitting in a little room in the basement back of house, steam pumps taking up much of the space and nothing else there aside from a single office chair and a little grey table. I spent my entire hour lunch chain smoking on a stoop down the street. I smoked cigarette after cigarette, compulsively and even when I did NOT want any more. I talked more loudly and often about how bad things were, about my disorder and anxiety and depression and people liked me less and I was alone at work more. New people came on and old people left and new cliques formed and I had no friends. Work was torture and home was terrifying. I got through the summer by getting stoned on the roof so I wouldn’t have to be in the apartment in case he was home. But then one day my door knob broke and I was so terrified he would go into my room and take or break or mess with my things and the fear and panic were so real and so severe that I missed my best friend’s baby shower because I couldn’t find a locksmith on a Sunday and I couldn’t leave my room until I fixed my door knob. She was angry with me for a long time after that. We never saw each other before I moved back to Michigan. I don’t even know when we last saw each other anymore.

I could keep telling this story for hours, days. Tell every piece as I remember it straight on through 2014 and into 2015 and cancer and treatment and 2016 and George and more cancer and the worst possible conditions for a new relationship and relapse and the beginning of my current inability to function because everything was depression and exhaustion and loneliness. And on and on through five more moves and break up and emergency surgery and being thrown into the drivers seat and struggling with my mom’s health changes and selling my home and leaving everything I had for something new that was just more versions of bad. The scariest loneliest months of my life. And then the even scarier even lonelier ones after she died.

But just... just think of all that. And what if most of it had never happened?? If I’d gotten proper help a decade ago, who would I be now? Where?

Maybe I’d be there. With them.

Instead of here, alone, with nothing but memories of other times when I was also sad and life felt pointless.

I wonder what it would have been like to be there instead. I wish I knew.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[impetusofadream]

I am acutely aware it is my own damn fault for still living at home when I am grown ass adult (I am poor and rent is stupid high in this town.)

But I cannot articulate how much it hurts every time one or both of my parents says some cutting remark about how I'm "lazy" or "disgusting" or a "hoarder". Esp when they think I cant hear them.

I am so sorry that you got stuck with a depressed, anxiety riddled, potentially ADHD child like me: who between not having the energy, not being able to remember and the executive dysfunction can't manage to clean her living space to your exacting type A standards on the regular.

I didn't ask to be this way. If I had ANY say in the matter I don't know what would make you think that I would choose to be this way. Its fucking awful. Nobody WANTS to be the kind of person who sometimes can't manage to take a fucking shower for several weeks at a time.

I'm just not that person who's going to be neat and organized 24/7. Definitely not where I am right now, probably not ever, even with professional help. (A little bit cause I hate that 'our house must look like NO ONE lives here' aesthetic.) And I am getting professional help. But considering I've likely been some level of depressed the majority of my life, , there's a lot to unpack.

All this to say that somedays, I really do wish that my parents would just TRY to understand what it's like being stuck inside my head with all the... noise for lack of a better word. That thier support didn't comes with all the strings that are normally attached. That for once I felt like me, broken and badly patched back together thing that I am, was enough for them. That I didn't have to be "fixed" first to be worthy of making an effort for.

But the truth is I'm never going to be enough. I will always be found wanting in one way or another. And one day I might be able to convince my heart to believe that too.