#excuse my emotional outbursts I’m just feeling a lot

[troperrific]

/ekuoto chapter 74 spoilers/

IT’S HEREEEEE!! AT LAAAAAST!

FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE FAILMARRIAGE

Ahem.

Pardon my outburst.

Actual chapter commentary below.

Although the main event of this chapter was the beginning of Belphegor’s darkness flashback of his marriage, there are a few things I’d like to note beforehand:

Belphegor and Imuri continue to play tug-of-war with Priest in the middle. And just like the factions of the Church and the Witches, they both claim to know what’s best for Priest, each considering themselves to be the key to Priest’s happiness.

The callbacks to previous arcs via Imuri’s drawings are cool, but they ring a bit hollow, due to various reasons. Still, I don’t care about that, because it essentially gave us these panels:

“Loli version”… maybe it’s a good thing that Leah didn’t come with Imuri after all, who knows what we would hear then lol

I must admit, I found this way funnier than I probably should’ve. “Loli version” lmao, this walking garbage of a man!!

Funnier still is that this comment has double the effect to Imuri because that’s essentially her mom he’s talking about… poor Imuri lol.

Also, I quite like that Bel’s summonings (?) have been getting steadily scarier. The angry bear with edgy mallets was cute and silly, but this time we got a cute but slightly creepy clown with scissors.

We are getting there! Maybe. I trust you Bel, may your flashbacks bring forth your inner horror film abilities!

Belphegor is such an edgelord. I love that the author manages to take issues such as depression seriously, but they can also poke fun at this sort of… exaggerated, teenage-like mindset of “you don’t understand meeee!”

Also, don’t mock the power of love, jerk! Don’t you know the sort of manga you’re in??

Ironically, by declaring that there’s such a thing as “true suffering”, ergo establishing a hierarchy for pain, and assuming that Imuri does not meet his arbitrary criteria of “true pain and darkness” he’s being dismissive himself, as careless and callous as he accuses her to be.

But on the other hand…

Imuri has actually shown herself to be rather callous and dismissive about other people’s suffering. Constantly. There are a few examples throughout the manga.

Some are more obvious. For example, when she both trivialized and sexualized Leah’s emotional vulnerability and pain back in Part 2, caring more about her own jealousy than Leah’s feelings.

Or, more subtly, how she has consistently prioritized her own feelings and pride as Gehenna’s Femme Fatale over Priest’s laundry list of traumas. Feeling more irritated and humiliated that she “lost” to Asmodeus as Aria, and that this messed things up for her quest to romance him, rather than that Priest had gotten hurt again. Or even in this arc!

This isn’t to say that Imuri doesn’t care about Priest at all. She does, and a lot. But she can be just as insensitive as the Demon Lords, when it comes to minding other people’s feelings.

Despite this, Imuri has a lot of good points herself. Truly, just about everyone that has lived has probably thought “ah, fuck this shitty world”, and that’s simply no excuse to give anyone the means to do it. Even if she’s a bit callous in her wording (and about Priest’s feelings).

I loved her comment to Belphegor that it essentially “takes two to tango”, very true. However… Is this the first instance that the Virgin Mary was actually referenced in the story? Because I’m still wondering about Priest’s mom…

ALSO:

I called it!

Of course the reason women are “evil” is that they give birth to beings he considers to exist only to suffer. Of course he solely blames them, considering his immaturity!

What I didn’t expect, though, was for him to have been a father! Just… the context, that he and his wife gave birth to a nephilim, which Belphegor should’ve known better… makes this so, so much worse, thank you Aruma-sensei, I love it already.

Speaking of which… SPEAKING OF WHICH…!!

HI ONESTA!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!!

We’re finally getting ekuoto’s adaptation of Belfagor arcidiavolo!!

I do like and find it interesting that Belphegor went to prove that no such thing as a happy marriage existed apparently for Satan’s sake. I guess him and the other Demon Lords were getting a little too creeped out by his habit of going to Cocytus to talk to his frozen wife…

It’s quite telling, about Belphegor’s childishness, that he believes that just by “proving” to Satan that his marriage is doomed, he can get the poor snake man to stop feeling like he does for his wife.

But for all the bullshit that Belphegor spiels about marriage…

He sure changed his mind quickly!!

I like how, despite his mention of her big boobs, the paneling and framing don’t really drag the reader’s focus to them, unlike with how he sees Imuri. Here, all of Onesta is displayed equally (with sparkles!!), with perhaps a bit more attention to her face.

And I love how… judging by Onesta’s expression and her getting flustered before Belphegor even said anything, it seems she got as instantly smitten as he did.

I mean, I know all the Demon Lords are supposed to be incredibly good-looking in-universe, likely because they’re former angels and/or blessed by God, rather divine beings themselves, but…

Belphegor still retained his messy hair, eye bags and gloomy and clumsy disposition.

And yet, it apparently still was love at first for Onesta too!

It tracks though. Sarah considered the extra eyes scattered along Asmodeus’ arm to be beautiful; as a child, Leah seemed charmed and endeared by Beelzebub’s weirdness; and Tachibana is loyal to Mammon to the bone despite seeing his man child tendencies up close.

My dear girlies with innately horrible taste… I love them very much…

Curiously, this version of Onesta seems nothing like the one described in the novella (which I was very much expecting, given its rather misogynistic tone), who was a vain, arrogant, demanding and cruel woman, but that is what makes me fear for what’s coming even more…

You see, way back, when Part 5 had just started, I theorized that we would see some sort of mental illness portrayed through Onesta, as this seems to be a central theme in Sloth.

What I didn’t consider, however, was the possibility of Belphegor and Onesta having a child. A bit silly, now that I think about it, considering Belphegor’s obsession with childhood.

This, combined with the brief flashback we got from Golem, where he noted that his mother is always crying…

I think, there’s a non-zero possibility we’ll be getting some kind of depiction of postpartum depression through Onesta, or any other sort of mental illness related to childbirth.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. It would certainly explain if she were suddenly to change her current personality to one closer to the novella’s…

Also, now I’m convinced that these two:

Might just be one and the same!

Seems like Belphegor’s been projecting his family issues onto Priest pretty hard, huh?

Next chapter is gonna be hell…

[triptychgardener]

Hello sorry if this is a bother but I am asking in good faith where is the reading for transmasc nepeta. I’m asking this cuz of your last ask (the June one) and I see aradia Dirk and Jane. Thoes all I have seen post and analysis about. But I have not really seen anything about nepeta.

Okay so first thing you gotta understand is that gender in Homestuck, for lack of a better way to say it, can be understood in how characters reflect and relate to each other. That being said to understand Nepeta's gender, we gotta understand the gender of at the very least one other person.

Dave.

And more specifically.

Davepeta, Homestuck's very own first(ish) trans character.

Davepeta is noted to be a sort of platonic ideal of existence for both Dave and Nepeta. Somehow, through a strange series of cosmic coincidences, these two end up making an odd sort of parallel. Both having a strange relationship to a man who loves him some goddamn horses. The whole Akwete Purrmusk thing. I mean, Dave canonically engaged in semi-nonironic furry roleplay with Nepeta offscreen, and given what we know about what becoming a furry in Homestuck means, it's not a leap to describe this as their ideal form.

But, although we don't see a lot of Nepeta's character arc, we do see a lot of Dave's. He struggles his whole life under an incredibly oppressive masculine force (both of Bro and, indirectly, Lord English), and once the game is over ends up deconstructing and largely rejecting that.

So when Davesprite, who's also probably been thinking about this for even longer, bereft of purpose or identity, finds a kindred soul in a spunky catgirl... well the rest is Davepeta.

And similarly, there are points in the story where Nepeta acts kind of uncomfortable with how others see her as exclusively something to be protected. The whole "Dear, sweet, precious Nepeta" grates on her early on, as Equius uses it as an excuse to control her actions. The whole of moiraillegience as it is originally explained (i.e. one party helps to calm down an especially brutal and violent person from outbursts of anger, and in turn that person will protect the more docile, even-tempered soul from external harm) even kind of FEELS like the way heterosexual relationships are portrayed in a lot of conservative spaces, where women are nuturers and caretakers while men are protectors. And Nepeta is supposed to, in this situation, be the person who helps Equius manage his emotions, which she feels some consternation at!

Now, over the course of Hivebent, their relationship appears to evolve and get a bit more balanced, but it still carries these overtones of "I will protect you, and you will handle my outbursts." Notably, when Equius goes to seek the Highb100d, and leaves Nepeta behind.

And of course not after roleplaying as each other.

Which. I mean come on.

But notably, Nepeta doesn't just stay put! She doesn't really want to be protected all the time! And when push comes to shove, she leaps out to defend, or at the very least avenge, her best friend.

And then, we don't really see Nepeta for a while!

Until we get to the end of the comic.

During their whole "date", Nepeta seems a little uncomfortable with Jasprose's affections. She may be a bit flattered, but Jasprose also fully admits later that she was frankly looking for any girl she could fall in love with after the tragic death of her girlfriend and possible more tragic untimely resurrection.

But then the pivotal handshake happens, and we get to see who is perhaps the most happy being in all of Homestuck.

Then we get into some of the only actual discussion of gender in Homestuck. We don't get much besides that, for both of their lives, Dave and Nepeta both felt something was missing. Something felt wrong that they couldn't quite place that made them both miserable. I don't think it's a massive stretch to say this could be gender dysphoria.

And when they combine, they feel the fullness of the gendered experience they were missing, melded together like a two-piece puzzle.

Now while the abovementioned "strong identities as a boy and a girl" might throw you off, I would point to what Victoria Lacroix said about this passage: note the lack of the word "respectively." I rest my case.

Now full disclosure, my personal headcanon for Nepeta is genderfluid transmasc. The whole affinity for roleplaying lends itself to a more shifting identity and I just think Nepeta, given more time, would love exploring the little nooks and crannies of gender.

This isn't going into the more complicated shit with Gender when it comes to Equius and Dirk and all that other stuff. Here's a quick summary so you can see exactly how my brain is broken.

Anyways, thanks for the question! I hope I answered my thoughts on the topic adequately! If other people have more to say about this, please feel free to add on!

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Part two thoughts on an ani x bpd reader? Like, when things get that bad, does either of them wake the fuck up and realize things need to change? Remorse or guilt? The reader leaving? Ani leaving or falling into a self loathing hole, doing bad stuff again and again whether to himself or reader) and not taking care of himself?

It’s interesting to read some of your takes on BPD relationships, because I obviously have no idea what that’s like, but you do. You can make it seem very addicting, but also very terrifying and unhealthy, depending on which way the pendulum swings (I hope you take that as a compliment. Tone is hard through text. Lol. 😅).

I personally do not believe abuse is justified in any situation, whether you have a disorder or not. There’s lots of ways to deal with feelings without taking it out on someone else. On the other hand, I know some BPD’s have described feeling horrified with themselves after an episode like that, and so I’ve never really known just how much ‘control’ someone has in that moment. Either way, I still believe it’s the person’s responsibility to find a way to deal with it. Nobody deserves to be miserable around them just because they can’t handle something.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a rant. Apologies. Lol. My main request was for a part two of Ani x BPD reader! ❤️🫶✨

Not offended at all bby.

I think after I’m done with stalker!ani I’ll write a fic on this. Just cause so many people have asked about it.

100% BPD X BPD would be a terrible pairing. Coming from me as a bpd gal.

Now, personally, I’ve never physically abused anyone during an episode. But I HAVE done lots of property damage and I also broke my hand when I used a concrete wall as a punching bag. I split a wooden bat at the tip from whacking a fence once.

When it gets that bad, I don’t really remember what I said or did. I just feel really jittery, almost like an extreme caffeine high you know? (Imagine old cartoon character drinking coffee and their whole body vibrates, eyeballs and all)

But if it doesn’t get to that point, which it rarely does now that I’m medicated correctly and have a good support system, I IMMEDIATELY feel regret. Like horrible sorrow. Bpd means big feelings and when I feel regret, which isn’t often, it feels like I’m grieving a death that I’m to blame for.

For the smaller, more snappy or short outbursts:

My mouth works faster than the logical part of my brain that tells me not to say something mean.

Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of saying something awful and then I just have to finish it because the damage is done and I may as well spit it out. Then I’ll lock myself in the bathroom for an hour until I’ve hyped myself up enough to apologize, then I’ll go back to the bathroom until the big feelings from my apology die down. I’ll be quiet, basically selectively mute for the rest of the day and be super irritable.

It’s exhausting. But it’s even more exhausting to have to continually remind myself not to spew the first thing that pops into my head or not to chuck the bag of shredded cheese at the wall because I can’t get the ziploc to open.

It’s so stupid that something so small as getting my hairbrush stuck on a knot in my hair could set me off into a teeth gritting, foot stomp and shriek. Like wtf? That’s embarrassing. But it happens before I can even think about what I’m doing.

The best way I can describe it is: I’m a bratty toddler when it comes to emotional regulation.

But you’re so right tho, your illness doesn’t give you an excuse to be an ass. It just proves the person doesn’t want to put in the work to get better if they use it as a justifying reason.

BPD might cause my reactions, but I’m in charge of my actual actions. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to recognize that though. I’m an adult now, I’m medicated, I’ve spent my fair share of days in the loony bin. Looking back at my teenage self? It’s horrific and sad. For me and everyone around me back then.

[blackbullet99]

Why (as a Kataang shipper and in general) I don’t like Zutara shippers.

(I promise it’s NOT a Pro-Zutara post and it’s NOT an Anti-Kataang post).

LONG POST INCOMING, but if you have the time, please read. 😁

I’ve been thinking. I don’t hate Zutara.

No, I’m not being held hostage, and I know this kinda goes against my rather vitriolic and brutal response to Zutara shippers, but the ship itself is fine and I’m sure 95% of the shippers are decent people.

I really love Zuko and Katara’s friendship, it’s one of the most interesting unique dynamics of the show. It’s annoying when people say, they’re toxic, or they’re barely friends, or it’s a colonizer ship. Zuko and Katara weren’t toxic by the end of the show, they have a great relationship at the end, they were absolutely close friends, ready to lay down their lives for each other. Zuko WAS a colonizer, but he learned this line of thinking was wrong and actively sought to make the world a better place and save The Earth Kingdom.

That being said, Kataang is definitely indisputably the superior “ship”. We see the two start of a close friends from the get-go, they both have a lot of admiration and respect for one another, they grow to love each other dearly despite their flaws, they support each other constantly. And it’s abundantly clear that not only does Aang love Katara, but Katara loves Aang, some may it’s one-sided, but that’s objectively false, it’s painfully obvious they mean the world to each other, we see their bond get stronger, but they have a strong friendship and bond first and foremost and their romantic feelings comfortably exist within.

When I say Zutara shippers are annoying, entitled, toxic idiots, I’m specifically referring to the very vocal minority of people that seem to dominate ZK shipping discussions on Tumblr.

People like…

the-badger-mole who villainizes Aang and hates a fictional 12 year old to a ridiculous degree. Not to mention has so many objectively wrong takes.

longing-for-rain who villainizes Aang, downplaying his trauma, and is unempathetic to his emotions, but will excuses all of Zuko’s anger and outbursts cuz “muh enemies to lovers”.

eponastory who straight up downplays the very serious effects of genocide and the trauma it causes.

sokkastyles who actually thinks an imperialist play reflects the real Katara, (and yes they think the Zutara means “Zutara should’ve been canon, waah”).

zutarawasrobbed who straight up compared Aang to Ozai.

burst-of-iridescent who invalidates Katara trauma from bloodbending cuz she did it in front of Zuko once, but the evil Aang must’ve forced Katara to stop. 🙄

linnoya-writes who straight up infantizes Aang and adulifies Katara, and then that’s the audacity to put their garbage in the Kataang tag.

miss-sweetea-pie who makes mindless assumptions about people who like Aang, as though people ignore Aang’s faults and he never learns because he’s cute. Which is not only untrue, but completely ignores the fact people ignore and romanticize Zuko’s faults because to them he’s hot.

araeph who not only lies about interviewing Aaron Ehasz, but also says borderline racist stuff like this just to pathetically validate their non-canon ship (this is apparently what Sokka would gain from Zutara becoming a couple).

This idiot who acts like Aang forced Katara to comfort him and Katara apparently never treated Aang as an equal. Not to mention weirdly villainizing Zuko and Mai, because Mai didn’t coddle Zuko (like they claim Katara did to Aang) and Zuko became Fire Lord?

This hateful idiot, who is a straight up genocide denier.

And this racist weirdo who straight up writes slave fanfics about Katara being owned by Zuko. Ew.

It’s these types of people who suck. They’re the most delusional entitled moronic idiots who are fake A:TLA fans with no media-literacy who only care about a middle school ship, so they pathetically mischaracterize Aang, Katara, Zuko and Mai, and whine about Bryke not giving into their desires like the little bitches they are. Screw these guys.

That being said the ship itself isn’t bad, it’s just the vocal minority who ruin it for me. I love Zuko and Katara’s friendship, and I wish the great characters in this great series would stop being mischaracterized.

To anyone who reads this, have a nice day.

[illyrian-dreamer]

Changing Shadows (Part 4)

Azriel x Reader

Part 3

Rhys and Cassian return home from their mission, but the celebration is cut short when you find out Az has betrayed your trust. Hurtful words are said as you lash out.

Lots of angst with your brother Rhys and Az, of course followed with some fluff.

Image by koike9023

Warnings: Mentions of trauma

Word count: 1,640

Part 4:

∇

Rhys and Cassian returned five days later, tensions in the Illyrian camps proving more difficult than anticipated.

Azriel and you were able to continue mostly-appropriate interactions, the occasional tease or growl-provoking comment had become your new normal. Something you were certain would stop in the face of the rest of your family.

With the rest of the females away, an Illyrian dinner was planned to welcome back the boys. You gathered around the dinner table, Cassian using his steak bones as a sword, retelling how he threatened some Illyrian bastard.

You laughed at his story, and rolled your eyes at his dramatics. You could feel Rhys’s gaze on you throughout the evening.

“And how are you feeling, little sis?” Rhys had asked as Cassian wrapped up his show.

“Much better,” you replied, nonchalantly chewing your food. “All thanks to a magical house and a Shadowsinger who might have considered a career as a healer.”

They all laughed, Az playfully raising his hands in gratitude.

“It seems my orders of house rest might have been sensible?” Rhys teased, so you raised your wine glass to him with an exaggerated smirk. He laughed again before clasping his hands on the table.

“And you’re feeling...,” Rhys paused, it was unlike him to be stuck on words. “...rested enough?”

You stopped chewing your food, and put down your cutlery. You knew immediately.

“You told him,” you accused Azriel, your face pained with the memory of your violent nightmare a few nights earlier.

His gaze matched yours, equally pained. “I had to.”

“Y/N...,” Rhys began.

You ignored your brother. You were furious Rhys knew what happened, but more hurt that Azriel told him after you asked him not to. Your face said it all, a mix of hurt and shattered trust.

“Mother knows that’s my cue,” Cassian murmured before making a break from the room.

Azriel interjected, like he was struggling between two truths. “I was worried about you, Y/N...,” he trailed off. “I’m sworn to protect you at all costs.”

What the hell did that mean?

“I asked one thing of you, Azriel,” you said sadly, tears of frustration threatening to come out.

“As your High Lord and your brother, I wouldn’t have forgiven him if he didn’t tell me Y/N,” Rhys stated plainly.

You shook your head, not wanting to hear it. “It’s no ones business but mine,” you said defensively, tears welling.

“That’s simply not true,” Rhys said calmly. He reached a hand across the table for you, an olive branch. “Why don’t we talk about this in private?”

This is exactly what you were avoiding. The coddling, the condescending care that reminded you that you’re nothing more than Rhys’s fragile younger sister who breaks at the first touch.

So you struck where you knew it would hurt.

“I could not be clearer that I don’t want to talk about it. Just because you didn’t show up in time on that hideous night, does not mean you can undo what was done. Deal with your own guilt.”

Shit. Shit shit shit.

Rhys looked like he had been slapped across the face. Azriel bowed his head in pain, as if he blamed himself for the whole thing.

You breathed heavily, looking down at your shaking hands as if you couldn’t believe your own outburst.

“Rhys, I’m so-”

A rumble of power was felt throughout the house as Rhys raised his palm to stop you talking, his usual cool demeanour stiffened with suppressed emotion. “It’s alright,” he gritted.

It was so not alright. Guilt twinged inside you at the hurt in his eyes as he excused himself to his office to do some work. You watched him stalk out, and before you could turn to Azriel to apologise to him, he was gone too. 

You sat back in your chair, hating yourself.

——

You waited a few hours for your own anger to cool before grabbing a notebook and quill.

Knock knock, you wrote, willing it to Rhys’s office.

No response.

You didn’t want play games, you knew you needed to apologise to your brother properly. But this was the only way you could think to reach him since he had blocked off his office in a 20-feet radius.

If you could please open the wards on your office? I would really love to apologise to your face instead of writing it in notes.

Open, Rhys sent back. Brrr.

He was waiting for you, sitting in his chair with one leg folded over the other. His face pained as much as it was at dinner.

I did that, you thought with an ache in your stomach. After everything he’s done for you.

You slowly walked over to the desk, Rhys’s violet eyes more black as they trailed you. Pausing in front of him, you took a deep breath. 

“I am so, so sorry big brother. It was a cruel and unfair thing to say, and not one part of me believes it.”

He sighed. “I know,” he said with a small, painful smile. “But I can’t help but feel there’s some truth in what you said.”

You reached for his hands and shook your head vigorously. “No, no there’s not,” you said firmly. Tears threatened your eyes again, and you couldn’t stop them. “Please tell me that you know I don’t blame you for that night.”

“If Azriel hadn’t found you in time, Y/N...,” Rhys trailed off, a frown burrowing into his once-again violet eyes.

“But he did. And what happened is no ones fault but those bastards who tried to clip me.”

Rhys nodded. That you could agree on.

He straightened. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect your privacy. I know I often cross the line between High Lord and your brother. Its hard for me to not see you as the young girl you once were, you were so fragile and little when you came to Velaris,” he smiled in memory, raising from his seat.

You hugged your brother tightly as he wrapped his arms around your back. “I just don’t want to disappoint you Rhys,” you admitted. “You have so much faith in me, I want to be strong for you, it’s the least you deserve in a sister.”

Rhys pulled back from the hug, a deep frown on his face as he studied you. “Is that what you think, that you’re not strong?”

You couldn’t meet his eyes. It was true, you weren’t strong, not nearly as much as he, despite all that he sacrificed.

He tucked your head under his chin. “Oh Y/N. If only I could show you just how strong you are.”

“But I-”

“You think nightmares make you weak? Everyone in this family has experienced what you’re going through, being tortured by their own past.”

You didn’t say anything, just listened to his words as he stroked your hair.

“Your trauma does not make you weak. It simply exists in response to what happened to you. Ignoring it does not make you strong, and you don’t have to overcome it to be worthy.”

That... made a lot of sense.

"And I will always be there to help you through it. Even if I have to force my way in,” he chuckled and you laughed with him.

“I love you,” you murmured into his hug.

‘I love you too Y/N,’ he said back, kissing the top of your head.

You would sleep well that night. Now time to find the Shadowsinger.

——

In his true nature, Azriel was brooding on the terrace. You could see the arches of his wings, black against the stars as he leaned against the railing.

His shadows greeted you before he did.

“Az,” you said gently, leaning your back against the railing next to him. Your arms were folded in defence, you needed to apologise but you were still hurt they he betrayed your trust, and did so without telling you.

Azriel’s lips were pressed into a thin line as he looked out at Velaris.

“I’m sorry.” You both apologised at the same time.

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, and he dropped his head in a low chuckle. Gods, his laugh alone shook your knees.

“I’m sorry I came between you and Rhys,” you started. “I would never want to jeopardise the trust you two have.”

He nodded in acknowledgement, but frowned, unable to meet your eyes.

“I should have been honest with you that I told him about your nightmare,” he said quietly.

“Yes,” you agreed simply. You took a deep breath as you unwound your arms across your chest, turning to lean on your elbows just as he did.

His scent enveloped you at this proximity. While neither of you spoke for a moment, the air around you was still, your wings almost touching.

You cocked your head slightly. “What did you mean tonight when you said you were sworn to protect me at all costs?”

While usually the calm and collected male, you noticed his breathing synch. A cool breeze blew over you both, sending goosebumps up your bare arms.

He noticed you shiver, and a protective wing extended around you, shielding you from the cold.

You kept your gaze on him.

He sighed, looking down.

“I will always do what is best for you, Y/N,” he said. “Rhys was checking in during your recovery, I felt it was my duty to report on your physical well-being, as well as your mental.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

He grimaced, uncomfortable with answering the question head on. Your insides burned, as if a rope tugged within you, waiting for his answer.

“I will always protect you,” he whispered. Yes.

“You’re family,” he followed up.

And the rope was gone. You couldn’t understand why it felt like you had fallen face first in the mud.

--------

Part 5 >>

AN: Making up for this cold ending with plenty of heat (and a jealous Az) in the next chapter! ;) If you’d like to join the tag list, drop a comment :)

[bluejaybytes]

I’m curious why you found Inside Out 2 insulting? I recognize that everyone is different, but as someone with an anxiety disorder I personally found it pretty relatable

Throughout my teenage years, when my anxiety was at its most debilitating and my coping skills were basically nonexistent, I was repeatedly met with the idea that "every teen is a bit anxious". This, to an extent, is true, being a teenager IS scary and you're probably going to have some level of anxiety. However, I had an active anxiety disorder. I was prone to frequent panic attacks, skipping school because I couldn't even fathom the idea of going to class out of just sheer intense dread and fear, and all around just having an extremely bad time. I went into the movie with an already decently negative expectation because of that, I didn't like how anxiety was shown to show up ONLY when Riley became a teenager, BUT I was willing to set aside my own distaste of it for the sake of like, I do get why they went the direction of adding new emotions as characters, as much as I disagree with that.

However I found it wildly insulting because I feel the level of intense anxiety Riley is shown to have breaches what I'd consider a "normal" level of anxiety and instead feels more like an anxiety disorder, which, again, it angers me to be once again met with the idea that you only get anxious once you're a teenager, or when signs of much higher levels of anxiety than just normal nervousness are brushed aside with that excuse.

Barring that issue, though that is the biggest in my opinion, basically at every corner I was annoyed by something. This movie felt like it could've been incredibly relatable to me, I was a horrendously anxious teen (Still am anxious just not a teen and also I'm better at coping now) in competitive highschool sports (Yes marching band IS a sport I DO die on this hill), but like... it just continually let me down. The coach is genuinely an asshole, doing things like not showing what the expectations are and then proceeding to single out who she knows are the newcomers as breaking rules that had not been properly established, failing to recognize Riley clearly struggling mentally, and honestly, the biggest sin, fucking letting her in the sport at all. Riley's outburst at the other players should've gotten her taken out of the running entirely, I refuse to believe otherwise.

Which, this is kind of all over the place because I'm not really writing this as a full proper breakdown and more just "Jay angrily rambles to an anon with no direction", but hey, SUPER don't like that Riley's over-practicing isn't really called out at all as being harmful. The ROOT of it is, we know she's only doing that because anxiety is driving her to do that, but like... she performs really well. She's met by the older student (I forget her name, God) with positivity for this, and I'm personally just kind of uncomfortable with how her overworking herself is viewed as just like... neutral. And it's only the fact it's stemming from anxiety that's bad.

There's a lot more (I found the pacing bad, I think, ESPECIALLY given that this is a childrens movie, Riley should've been given EXPLICIT help from the people around her barring just "her friends say they're still friends", I think things like anxiety driving her to look at the notebook yet NOT considering the janitor walking by is just... stupid, and in my experience, not at all how anxiety manifests, ect, ect), but ultimately this is not like, a serious breakdown, more just me listing off the top of my head the things that really fucking annoyed me. Also, Ennui was a stupid character. I mean all of the new emotions were fucking stupid because they're all VERY derivative of OTHER emotions if you've made the commitment that the entire range of human emotion be boiled down to just joy/sadness/anger/fear/disgust, but whatever.

I thought the video game guy was funny though. I'm a sucker for those kinds of jokes. I like that his hair routinely was clipping through his outfit

[nowandthane]

7 snippets, 7 people

thank you @vakariansvixenand @stormikins for tagging me!! <3<3<3

no pressure tagging @xoshepard @poetikat @sweetmage (feel free to not read this it's all mass effect jsdhfg) @illusivesoul @westernlarch @sillyliterature @mxanigel @menacingmetal @grim-starling

These are all gonna be from Sarani's longfic because I'm not writing anything else atm. Mostly rough and unedited too so beware xD

cw for suicidal ideation in the last two

She turned to look at him, shocked at the outburst. His eyes were wet with tears that stubbornly refused to fall. He glared back at her, as if challenging her to defy him. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought that she really should. This was insubordination. But she felt so relieved that someone else was making the decisions that she just relented, turning to look back out into space in silence.

“How could I have left him behind?” she whispered, long minutes later. Her face was wet. Joker was quiet for long enough that she stopped expecting an answer — what could he have said, anyway? But he did answer.

“You were doing your job, Commander. I… I’m sorry.” And he really did sound sorry for her.

“This job fucking sucks.”

-

Finch sneered. “I can find a dozen Reds who’ll swear they saw you kill aliens for fun. Who’s going to believe you then?”

His grey eyes caught hers, and held them steadily. The world slowed down as she seriously considered whether he really did know. Even without proof, anyone who had known her then could put two and two together and figure out what she did — no one else could have done it. But no one ever cared before.

Now it was something they could use against her. And they were threatening to.

Was that was he was doing? His words saying one thing, but meaning another?

I know you killed her, but I won’t say it in front of them. As long as you do what I say, no one else will ever know.

Was that what was behind his words?

The image of her, of Nazia, crying and begging Shepard for forgiveness intruded on her mind. Her screams echoed in Shepard’s ears, her blood sticky on Shepard’s hands.

-

“Do you compare yourself to your old Captain a lot?” Garrus asked.

“Not really. Not anymore.” Shepard shook off the thoughts rattling in her head. “I know I have a screwed up moral compass. That’s just a result of my ‘upbringing’. But I don’t let that turn me into monster. I don’t want to cross any more lines, but I keep stumbling over them anyway.”

Garrus looked at her, his thoughts and emotions inscrutable. She was getting better with reading turians, but he seemed closed off to her at this moment. Silence became heavy in the air, and she did nothing to break it.

“I wonder…” Garrus finally mused, “if I killed Saren, would I be struggling with it now as you are about Finch? I don’t know what the answer to that is, and that — that kind of scares me. Am I a monster, Shepard?”

“No, Garrus.” She smiled at him a little sadly. “You’re not a monster.”

“Yet,” he said. “Don’t you ever think that it takes a monster to stop a monster?”

“Sometimes,” she answered. “Mostly, it feels like an excuse.”

Garrus nodded. “Why did you get so angry when he called you by your name?”

-

“How about a new name?”

“What’s wrong with Shepard?”

“No, not that. Don’t you want to change Jane?”

“What’s wrong with Jane?” She frowned.

“Well clearly the orphanage just named you that because they couldn’t be fucked to actually care about you. Don’t you want a name more fitting for who you are?”

“I don’t want any connection to the people who threw me away like I was trash,” she said curtly.

“It’s not about your parents,” Nazia insisted. “They suck, but you have a whole culture that you come from.”

“I know nothing about it.”

“So? Don’t you want to reclaim it?”

“Well, you clearly want me to.”

“Just think about it. It can be like… like a new start for you!”

Considering it. Maybe it is better, to have a new name, one untainted by the dirtiness of her beginning. And if Nazia was the one renaming her, so much the better. She was the one who made Shepard feel like a human. And if this was important to Zi, then it was important to her.

-

“You think you know me so well?” she asked, sneering. She regretted it almost immediately when the animation that had taken hold of Garrus abruptly left him. He had seemed more alive for a brief moment there, much more like the angrily passionate man who had argued with his superior at the Presidium, or the one in Dr. Michel’s clinic, ready to take on a group of thugs alone.

As his commanding officer, it didn’t feel good to have made one of her own people feel so small. But even outside of that, she felt bad because she did think he was a good person, just misguided. And this conversation they’d just had was their first real one. They had been getting to know each other.

He was turning to leave when she said, “Wait. I’m sorry.”

He turned back to her, expectant, but now that the apology had come out of her mouth, she floundered for what else to say.

“I was trying to compliment you,” Garrus pointed out, breaking the awkward silence. “Didn’t think you’d take it so badly.”

-

“Do you still want to die?” Shepard asked.

“Do you?” Thane returned.

She had to turn away. “Sometimes.”

Leaning against the viewing window, she turned her gaze on the drive core below — pulsing, powerful, dangerous. Peripherally, she noticed Thane standing and coming to her on silent feet, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

“I don’t.” His presence behind her felt like a weight she couldn’t shake off. “I agreed with you, once. That perhaps those of us who have died should stay dead.”

“You never really died,” she said.

“In all the ways that matter, I did.” He touched her shoulder, so softly that she barely felt it, except that there was no atom of her existence that could ever be unaware of him. “Will you not look at me, siha?”

-

The dream begins as it always does: with the fall. Falling through the nothingness of space, the alarms in her armour chiming as she gasped desperately for oxygen. There is a breach somewhere. Probably around her torso, where pain and warmth radiated.

She flailed helplessly, heat and hurt building. But it never did reach an unbearable point. They faded away as she fell, and with them went the burdens she carried. Her legs stopped kicking and her arms stopped reaching. She fell looking at the vastness of space, that blanket of mystery she had watched so often when she was stuck on Earth, so determined to get away.

And she did. The choices she was presented with had been unacceptable to her, and so she had found another way. She became more — made herself more. She had explored the galaxy, helped people, saved lives… She’d made a difference.

For better, not worse.

When she lost consciousness, it was without pain. Without worries. Peace was not something she had ever been familiar with, but she learned what it meant, right there at the end.

If only it really was the end.

[starsinkpop]

ATEEZ Jeong Yunho Tarot Reading - Future Spouse

Disclaimer: I do tarot readings for fun, so please read them with a grain of salt. Don’t take my words too seriously and just keep an open mind. Tarot is a divination tool that can’t predict the future, as every single individual has their own will and makes their own decisions. Tarot should be seen as a guidance and a good friend that just has your best interest and gives you advice when needed. I’m not putting anyone in my readings on a pedestal nor am I trying to harm anyone. One last side note, I’m not a native speaker, so please excuse any wrong spellings or poor grammar.

Date of Reading: October 10th 2023

Decks: Ethereal Visions Tarot, Wild Mystic Oracle, Dreamscape Oracle, Romance Angel Oracle, Love Oracle, island time wellness love Oracle, Angel Answers Oracle Cards

Six of Cups, XXII The Well, Eight of Wands, XVI The Tower, Eight of Cups, Six of Wands

his fs could be someone he knows from the past, maybe they’ve been friends in kindergarten or early school days

could also be just someone he had a connection with in a past life

definitely someone who has a pure, almost innocent side to them

very playful and carefree aura most of the time

they bring a lot of joy into Yunho’s life

pretty artistic, could even be famous for their art

they maybe work as an architect or have some type of obsession with buildings

definitely well known and well respected in their working field but also amongst friends and family because they’re extremely ambitious

success always finds a way to his fs

they’re a very nurturing personality who love to take care of others as well

a natural leader

hard to say if they’re introverted or extroverted - maybe somewhere in between

it’s someone who constantly seeks new knowledge in a way

because their brain needs permanent stimulation to be happy and satisfied

great communicators

but will know when to keep quiet

I also feel like this is someone you can sit together with in silence without it being weird

they are very well balanced, can be chaotic when they want to but also very collected and calm when needed

probably avoid conflict

they maybe reject Yunho a few times before properly dating him

but not necessarily because they don’t like him or anything, it’s more like they want to enjoy the single life first and really want to focus themself and on having fun

they respect boundaries and will always make sure that their loved have boundaries and don’t just get run over by others

they’re very emotional and empathic

but they sometimes have emotional outbursts, this mainly happens when they’re very stressed

they’re generous with their love and time

it’s someone with a genuine heart

they love changes since they could get easily bored

will constantly reconstruct their life until they’re fully satisfied (which is never tbh)

they have no problem leaving behind what doesn’t serve them anymore

they love to workout and are very active

could maybe be into extreme stuff like bungee jumping or something like that

at times they’re easily confused

daydreamers, they need to let their mind drift away from reality sometimes

they have a hard time settling down in one place

loves to travel

they don’t like to ask others for help, a very independent individual

could have dark hair and there’s something about shoulders, like they have very pretty shoulders

have a confident aura, which is attracting many people

I see a lot of passion in this connection, but they’re generally someone very passionate

they’re very sensual

Yunho and his fs actually have an insane chemistry

lots of romantic feelings in this connection and they most likely will have kids together (probably two)

they’re tall but smaller than him and maybe on the slimmer side

Love,

~Nicky 🫧

Masterlist

[dear-wormwoods]

Okay, I have 2 questions for you: 1) What do you think about people who say that if Cartman became abusive with Heidi it was Kyle just because he openly suggests that he would use Troll Trace to reveal Cartman's bigoted past and send the information to Heidi and because he only helped Heidi because he was in love ( honestly it's just make my blood boil) and 2) What do you think about Kitty Monk's video " Are Cartman and Kyle the same person? "

Ps. I'm happy that I'm not the only one who adore Kyle and thinks Rabbi Cartman was and awful person.

I’ll be honest anon, I kept putting off answering this because I wanted to actually watch the video you mentioned so I could properly give you thoughts on it but I truly do not have the time or energy to watch it. I’m assuming the whole video is about making Kyle’s actions out to be more terrible while downplaying Cartman’s so as to put them on ‘even ground’ and I’m simply not here for that kind of content. If I’m wrong, please let me know!

To answer the question the title poses: no, they are not the same person. At all.

Kyle has a conscience, which sets him apart from Cartman for obvious reasons. He feels bad when he does something wrong. He worries about how his actions affect other people. He even worries about and feels bad for Cartman, despite being the one person who really should get a free pass to not give a shit about him. He’s a dick in the same way a lot of kids are dicks, and that really isn’t comparable to Cartman’s behavior and total lack of remorse.

I imagine people who follow the ‘same person’ line of thinking would say things like “well Kyle laughed at Cartman getting HIV so Cartman was just teaching him a lesson, just like how Kyle tried teaching Cartman a lesson by making him ginger” or “Kyle blew up Toronto so he’s probably killed more people than Cartman ever did with Cthulhu.”

To those points I would say - Cartman’s reaction to Kyle laughing was disproportionate and to suggest otherwise or downplay the seriousness of intentionally giving someone HIV as ‘payback’ is ridiculous. Kyle was laughing at the irony of the person who constantly jokes about him getting AIDS being the one to end up getting it, and he clearly knew he was wrong to laugh about it which was why he excused himself so he wouldn’t do it in front of Cartman. It was a gut reaction that he knew was socially unacceptable. Cartman was completely out of line in his response by doing something which, as far as he knew at the time, would cause permanent damage to Kyle. The difference between that and the ginger thing is twofold: Kyle wasn’t really reacting to Cartman’s bigotry on behalf of himself, he was trying to come to the defense of actual Ginger kids who were now being bullied by other kids because of what Cartman was saying. He wanted to show Cartman what it was like to be on the other side of things for once. Kyle wasn’t motivated by selfishness or revenge. The other difference is that dying Cartman’s hair etc wasn’t permanent. He did not forever alter Cartman’s body or intentionally make him sick, he and the other kids made surface level, temporary changes. This is not equivalent to giving someone HIV - obviously.

The other thing… well, I’ll preface this by saying I don’t think that the Canada thing was handled well by the show. It did not really deal with the aftermath and how it weighed on Kyle’s conscience other than the two second scene where Ike tells him to stop being a victim. But I also understand that it’s difficult to like, reconcile that kind of devastation for a character who is so overcome by guilt that he wants to die over toilet papering someone’s house. Here’s the thing though, Kyle isn’t directly responsible for what happened. He feels responsible and it makes sense why he does, because it was his own emotional outburst that ultimately ‘swayed’ Garrison, but I truly don’t think he meant for that to happen. He was speaking from a place of hurt and trauma, after not feeling heard by his friends and supposedly safe adults, and finally, the wrong person listened to him. Garrison already had a vendetta against Canadians - he was itching to do something drastic. Ultimately it’s HIS fault. Compare this to Cartman using Cthulhu to knowingly and intentionally destroy San Francisco, who knows how many synagogues, etc… it’s not the same. Cartman knows what he’s doing, and he doesn’t care about how it impacts others. Kyle cares about the natural consequences of his actions, even the indirect ones.

I’m not sure if those points were even in the video but those are what came to my head. Ultimately, Kyle’s conscience will never allow him to be ‘the same person’ as Cartman. Suggesting that they’re on the same level is, I think, fundamentally misunderstanding both the characters and their relationship with each other.

As for Heidi, I’ve never heard anyone say it’s Kyle’s fault Cartman became abusive, but I’m not surprised it’s been said. Some people will just say anything to villainize Kyle and make Cartman more sympathetic. It sounds like something Cartman himself would say, or any other abuser - “oh, I only hurt you because of x y and z”. It’s removing accountability from Cartman, which is… insane to me. Maybe Kyle’s threat put pressure on Cartman, but it didn’t CAUSE him to become abusive. He was always going to become abusive. It’s just who he is. That’s like saying Butters caused Cartman to become abusive by laughing at Heidi’s jokes. Or saying it’s Heidi’s fault for expecting Cartman to put effort into their relationship and talk to her more. It’s gross. Cartman is responsible for his OWN jealousy and paranoia and whatever else contributed to the way his relationship with Heidi played out. Saying otherwise goes against one of the messages of the whole season - Cartman deflecting and placing blame on everyone else and victimizing himself was an abuse tactic in itself. Heidi saw herself going down that same road and chose to break the cycle and take responsibility for herself. People need to hold Cartman responsible for his own decisions, words, and actions.

When it comes to Kyle’s relationship to Heidi, I don’t even think he liked her let alone loved her. I think he helped her because he felt bad for her, could see that Cartman was abusing her, and knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of Cartman’s abuse. He didn’t even think he liked her at all until the girls told him he did, and it was easier for him to go along with that than to grapple with the complicated dynamic he has with Cartman. I do not think Kyle’s intention to help Heidi was selfish at all. It wasn’t about taking away Cartman’s girlfriend and making her like him instead. It was about helping someone he could tell was suffering.

Sorry this took so long to respond to! I’d be interested to know what points that video made but I’ll probably never watch it.

[canonizzyhours]

I binged the first season maybe a week after it was done airing and I looked up fan discussions right after that. As far as I remember a lot of it was pretty chill, people gushing about the show, thinking Izzy was a fun antagonist to dislike, and anxiously waiting for a renewal. I did notice that saying you loved Izzy was somewhat of an unpopular opinion but if there was backlash about it I wasn’t aware of it. I loved to hate him, we needed a guy like him on this show. Then I just moved on with my life to obsess over other hyperfixations until the trailer for season 2 came out.

Coming back to the fandom was weird to say the least, like stepping in another dimension. Suddenly not loving Izzy and not thinking he was the best was not only an unpopular opinion but you’d get shit for it? I was lurking, sometimes commenting, on reddit during season 2 and it always felt like it was a minefield when you wanted to comment even a little negatively on Izzy’s arc during season 2, and that you almost had to preface that you didn’t excuse Ed’s actions just so you could share an opinion on Izzy and hope not get downvoted to hell and be accused of supporting domestic abuse. It’s wild to me. I felt everything else could be talked about, but Izzy was such a sore subject if your review of him was not glowing praise for some reason?

I’d say the majority of people had nuanced views but some Izzy fans were so loud that they made the place… not a safe space ship. To me it was at least, I felt unsafe to say what I really thought because I participate in fandom for nuanced and civil discussions, not to get into a fight over Izzy of all people. I want peace not a migraine. It was like walking on eggshells not wanting to upset the Izzy fans over there, and it got progressively worse throughout the season. It was exhausting to have to be mindful of their emotional states all of the time. I can be sympathetic to a degree but I’m not here to manage the emotional outbursts of people I don’t even know the face of. I loved season 2 but a lot of them sucked the joy from it for a while with their rants over Izzy’s death. I still lurk over there once in a while and it’s gotten better in the months following the finale despite the occasional Izzy is not really dead posts, but man, I feel burnt out.

Tumblr isn’t much better but at least I’ve curated my feed well enough to not see much of it and it’s a relief honestly.

Thank you for letting me rant a little! (Merry Christmas for those whole celebrate!)

#164.

[jerzwriter]

Consequences

Book:                   Open Heart

Pairing:                Tobias Carrick x F!MC (Casey MacTavish)

Featuring:           Ethan Ramsey, Vivian Carrick, Jordan Carrick, and introducing Eva Mendoza

Rating:                 Teen

Category:            Light Angst

Summary:           Ethan is being a wonderful friend but fails to make a good impression on a new doctor. A displeased Vivian confronts her youngest son.  Casey makes a new friend, and Jordan wants to make amends, but is Tobias ready?

Words:                 3500 (sorry! But there was a lot to cover)

A/N:                     A little drabble that takes place just a week after their wedding.

   @choices-november2022 - Day 15 - Conversations       

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS.

Wedding & Baby Stories Masterlist Tobias & Casey Complete Masterlist My Full Masterlist

This is a follow-up to Best Men and a lead-up to Tobias & Casey’s wedding fic. You can read it as a stand-alone, but knowing the story in Best Men gives it more color.

It was the morning after, and Ethan was concerned about his friends. He invited Casey and Tobias to join him for breakfast in the cafeteria under the guise of discussing wedding items he was working on with Sienna, but he really wanted to see how they were after Tobias’s encounter with Jordan the night before.

Casey seemed fine, but as a diagnostician, he knew overcompensation when he saw it. Tobias was not himself, but Ethan was happy to see their conversation perked him up a little before Tobias was paged and needed to excuse himself.

Casey watched her fiance until he was no longer in the room, letting out a soft sigh once he was gone. Lost in thought, she was startled when Ethan spoke again.

“How is he doing?”

“He’s all right, but not great,” Casey shrugged, “It was… a lot.”

“It was. I’m surprised Jordan still has teeth.”

“Well, that wouldn’t have made anything better. Would it?”

“I guess not. How are you doing?”

“You mean other than being an unscrupulous golddigger tricking poor Tobias into marriage?”

Ethan chuckled ruefully. “Well, that should leave you exhausted in and of itself. But it can’t be fun to know someone spoke of you that way.”

“It’s not, and it hurts because it came from someone who means so much to Tobias. But I keep reminding myself that Jordan doesn’t know me. We’ve met three times, and I know I never did anything deserving of his tirade. That little outburst says much more about him than it does me.”

“That’s a very mature approach.”

“It’s the best I can do. What matters to me is Tobias. This should be a happy time for him, for both of us, and if I let my emotions get the best of me, it will only worsen it.”

“But you’re entitled to your feelings.” 

“I know. I’m just keeping them in check. It sucks that he won’t be at the wedding. With Tobias’s dad gone, he really wanted his mother and brother there.”

“Yes! Vivian. Is she aware yet?”

“Tobias didn’t mention if he told her, and I didn’t want to push.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say he didn’t. After all, we would have had mass casualties in the ER due to the explosion.”

“You make a good point,” Casey laughed. “She won’t be pleased. But on an up note, that’s one less handsome single man at the wedding. Your chances have been upped, Ramsey.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said sarcastically. “That was weighing on my mind!”

“It should be! Since you’re not bringing a guest.”

“I don’t need to bring a guest. I know almost everyone attending; it’s not necessary.”

“Ethan….”

“Casey, don’t play matchmaker. We know it doesn’t work.”

“What? I tried and failed once! If I gave up on everything that quickly, do you think I’d be sitting here at Edenbrook?”

“Mmm, but that was bettering yourself,” he said, beginning to stand, “not meddling in my life. Now, look at the time. What a shame, we have to go to our meeting.”

“Fine, but we’re not done with this conversation, buster.”

“Oh yes,” he assured. “We are.”

~~~~~ 

Across town, Jordan sat in his hotel room, staring at the phone ringing on the dresser. There was no need to look at the name flashing across the screen; he knew who was calling. Dragging his hands down the front of his face with a grimace, he considered letting it go to voicemail. But he knew how tenacious his mother was; there was no avoidance. He put the phone to his ear. 

“I’ve been expecting you.”

“Oh, have you?” Vivian snapped. “That’s good to know because it tells me you haven’t taken leave all your senses, just most of them!”

“Mom, before you start….”

“Oh no, young man. You have forfeited any right to call the shots. And we are not doing this by phone. I’m in your hotel lobby, and I strongly suggest you give me your room number. If not, I will make a scene worthy of a Tony award!”

“Wait.. what hotel are you in? I never told you where I was staying.”

“You know I have my sources. Now, will you give me a room number, or do I have to go and ruin our family's name?”

After a brief pause and a heavy sigh, Jordan mumbled, “604.”

Moments later, Jordan braced himself when he heard the first knock at his door. Vivian barreled in, barely glancing at her youngest son. Still, the second she did was enough for him to see the fury burning in her eyes. He instinctively rubbed his cheek, shocked that he had yet to feel the sting of her hand across his face. Certain it would be forthcoming, he locked the door and turned to face her wrath.

“Ma, I know what….”

“You don’t know a damn thing!” she interrupted. “If what your brother told me is true, then the only thing stopping me from slapping you into next year is if you tell me you suffered a psychotic break. Outside of that, young man, nothing will spare you. So tell me, have you suffered a psychotic break?”

“I haven’t.”

Without a word, Vivian marched across the room, and with a flick of her wrist, a loud slapping noise reverberated off the walls. There it was.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Your brother invites you to his home to share the most important news of his life, and what do you do?”

“Ma, I… know I overreacted….”

“Overreacted? The flinch you just made over that baby slap you got was overreacting. What you did last night was just cruel.”

“Mom… there are things you don’t know….”

“Really,” Vivian scoffed. Sitting in an antique chair, she placed her hands neatly atop her crossed legs. “Then you better clear your calendar because you’re going to tell me all I need to know. Are you going to tell me you have some sort of proof of the allegations you made?”

“No. But….”

“There are no buts!”

“Yes!” He insisted, “there are. I didn’t handle things well, but why are you, Kerry, and everyone so wrapped up in this… has one of you even stopped to consider I could be right?”

“Do you take me for a fool? If Casey were some gold-digging trollop, I would have sensed that a hundred miles away.”

“Would you?” he asked with raised eyes.

“Yes, I would.”

“Mom, do you remember Madison?”

“Who the hell is Madison?”

“The girl I brought to your garden party last spring.”

“Oh, yes. I remember her. Now there was your definition of a gold digger.”

“Well, gee, Mom! It might have been nice if you had told me that!”

“Why? Most of the women you’ve been with have been gold diggers, and you didn’t seem to care since you never had plans of settling down with any of them. But I fail to see how this is relevant to our conversation now.”

“Because,” he said, throwing his hands up in frustration. “I never told anyone because I wanted to be sure, but things became serious between us. I was planning to bring her home for the holidays and tell you then. I was crazy about her, Mom. I was even considering proposing.”

“You, what?”

“Don’t worry. Only one of your eternal bachelor sons is being taken off the market. We’re not together anymore.”

“I have a feeling there is more to this story.”

“There is.” Jordan let out a deep sigh, then sat on the edge of the bed, facing his mother. “Last week, I went to surprise her at work, flowers in hand and everything… I was about to go into her studio when I heard her talking about me with a co-worker. I decided to listen in. Like some idiot, I’m grinning, waiting to hear her gushing over how crazy she is about me…because I was that crazy about her.”

“And?”

“She seemed to be for a moment, then her friend asked if I had a brother, and Madison said he does. Then she said she should hook them up so neither of them would have to work again. I left, hoping it was a joke, giving her the benefit of the doubt. So I started digging and found out she’s been with her ex the entire time we were together. He knew but didn’t care. The plan was to stay with me just long enough that she could make out well in a divorce, then the two of them ride off into the sunset. They even said if we had a kid, it would be a lifelong meal ticket.”

Seeing the pain on her son’s face, she moved to sit next to him on the bed, gently placing a hand on his knee.

“Jordan…”

“It was the first time I ever cared about someone, Ma. And I was taken for a fool. So when Tobias told me he was getting married… it felt so out of the blue. Then he says they're expecting a child, and that’s where my mind went.”

“Son, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, but I assure you Casey isn’t Madison. She loves Tobias with all her heart, and he loves her back. This baby isn’t a trap; it’s a child conceived in love. One they both want very much.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“I am. I’ve spent ample time with them, and I know they have the real thing.”

“So I just made a giant ass out of myself.”

“Yes, an enormous one. You said some vile things about a lovely woman just weeks away from being my daughter-in-law. A woman who is carrying your brother’s child! She is already family in my eyes, and she would have been in your father's too. You know how important family was to him, and he would not have taken kindly to this.”

“I understand that you like her. I did too. But… wouldn’t you feel more comfortable if… I don’t know… if it were someone like Kerry. Someone that is in the same circles as us. Just to be sure….”

“Stop right there. You seem to forget that when I wed your father, I was not of his class. Are you saying I was beneath him? Exploiting him for his wealth?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, it sure sounds like you were saying that. If someone isn’t fortunate enough to be born into the upper echelon, they’re to be considered suspect? My family and my background are your legacy, too, son, every bit as much as the Carrick name is, and don’t you forget it! I didn’t raise you to be a snob!”

Knowing she was right, Jordan hung his head.  “I know, Ma.”

“Now you need to make amends.  You owe your brother and his future wife an apology.”

“I was pretty awful.  I wouldn’t even take the call if I were in his shoes.”

“And he may not.  But there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to call.  I suggest you do so.”

“I will.  I promise.”

“Good, son,” she said, taking his hand.  “Now, why don’t you tell me all about what happened with Madison.”

~~~~~

Back at Edenbrook, Casey was in the team’s office, eager to wrap up her day in the team’s office, when she heard the voice of someone she needed to speak with outside. Springing to her feet, she rushed to the door as the voice faded down the hall.

“Dr. Mendoza!” She yelled down the hallway. “Dr. Mendoza!”

A statuesque woman with brown hair pinned into a loose bun turned around, smiling broadly when she saw it was Casey.  “Dr. MacTavish, how are you?”

“I’m good,” Casey said, catching her breath as she caught up to her.  “You look relieved.” 

“I am. Let’s just say not all of the doctors at Edenbrook have been as… polite… as you.” 

“Uh, oh. You’ve only been here a week, and people are giving you grief already? You need to give me a list of names so I can reprimand them!” 

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m pretty tough,” she winked. “I can take them on.” 

“Of that, I have no doubt. But I stopped you because Dr. Chong said I should consult with you about that patient we discussed. Her case is still a mystery, but I still think an auto-immune issue is the culprit. Since she’s had infertility issues too….” 

“I finally had a chance to look over her charts, and I agree with you. Most of her infertility testing was done at Brigham, but I think we should start from scratch. I feel like they missed something.” 

“I agree! If you have a few moments, the DT office is empty.  We can go brainstorm, and I’ll even give you coffee from the good coffee machine.” 

“The good machine?” Dr. Mendoza asked. 

“It’s a long story.” 

Twenty minutes later, the two women had a plan of action, and Casey vowed to help her fast friend get quality coffee whenever she needed it.  

“This has to be the best-kept secret in the hospital,” Dr. Mendoza laughed. “I’m honored you let me in on it.” 

“I’ve got a good feeling about you, Dr. Mendoza.” 

“Oh, please. If we’re going to be friends, it’s Eva.” 

“Then Eva it is….” 

“Baby, are you almost ready? I’m going to get the car….” Tobias looked up from his chart, startled to see someone else in the office. “Oh… I’m sorry…” his face fell slightly as he nodded curtly. “Mendoza.” 

“Carrick,” Eva repeated in the same manner. 

“You two have met?” Casey asked. “Wait! He wasn’t one of the doctors giving you trouble. Was he?” 

“At Edenbrook? No. But I’ve had my run-ins with Dr. Carrick in the past.” 

“Really?” 

“What can I say, dear. Eva was one of the few people who wasn’t susceptible to my charms.” 

“Oh, for the love of God,” Casey groaned. “Tell me this isn’t another woman you tried to put the moves on before me.”   

Eva broke into a fit of laughter. “Oh, I wish he had. I would have loved the opportunity to reject him.” 

“Too bad you never got it,” Tobias smirked. 

“OK, are one of you going to tell me how you know each other?” 

“Boston University,” Eva offered. “He taught two of my med school courses, and he didn’t like that I challenged him.” 

“Challenged me? You were an impossible pain-in-the-ass who held the class up needlessly to think of things from a hundred angles when only ten were necessary.” 

“You’re just pissed that sometimes I proved you wrong!” 

“But most of the time, I proved you wrong.  Casey, can you tell her that when….” 

“Oh, no!” Casey laughed. “I am not getting in the middle of an ancient grudge match between this brilliant woman who is my newly minted friend and my beloved fiance.” 

“Fiance?” Eva blurted. “He’s responsible for that massive rock on your finger.” 

“What can I say?” Tobias grinned, “I have impeccable taste.” 

“If you proposed to Casey, then yes. You definitely do,” turning to Casey, she continued, “You, on the other hand….” 

“OK. Let’s be nice to my future husband,” Casey scolded playfully. 

“Sorry,” she said jokingly. “There is no way I’m going to be nice to Carrick.” 

“In that case, I may have to rethink my opinion of you,” Ethan grumbled as he entered the room. 

Eva rolled her eyes, “Oh, you too. This is my lucky day!” 

“OK, he’s definitely of the doctors giving you a hard time?” 

“Bingo!” Eva chimed. 

“Casey,” Ethan complained. “As your best man, I resent that you were so fast to assume it was me.” 

“Ethan, please. I love you, but my initial assessment of you was that you were an asshole.” 

“She’s an excellent judge of character,” Tobias injected as Ethan shot him a dirty look. 

“Did I ask you’re opinion?” 

“Ethan,” Casey said, bringing the attention back to the point. “You need to be nice. Eva will be working with us on Mrs. Sosa’s case, and she’s officially my new friend.” 

“You have enough friends, MacTavish. Must you add more?” 

“You can never have enough friends,” Casey grinned. 

“As much as I hate to break this little party up,” Tobias interrupted, “our shifts ended an hour ago, and we….” “I know,”  Casey agreed.  “We have wedding stuff to do.” 

“Well, if you’re leaving, so am I. I’m not going to be alone with Dr. Grumpy Pants, no matter how good of a coffee machine he has.” 

Ethan looked at Casey with an incredulous look on his face. “You told her about my coffee machine?!” 

“Oh, look at the time, gotta run….” Casey grinned as she and Tobias rushed to the elevator. 

Once alone inside, Casey gave him a quick hug. “What’s going on? We don’t have wedding stuff tonight.” 

“You’re perceptive,” he smiled. “Thanks for getting us out of there. I got a call from Jordan, and he wants to speak.” 

“Oh, so are you going to?" 

“I don’t know.”

“I suppose you should hear what he has to say.” 

“After what he said about you last night? I really don’t give a damn about what he has to say.” 

“I understand that,” she said, taking his hand, “this has to be your choice. But I’ll support you regardless of what you decide.” 

“I appreciate that, but right now, all I want to do is get my pregnant fiance home to rest.” 

“I’m fine, Tobias, I can….” 

“Uh, uh, uh. Do you want me to bring Ethan into this?” 

“Nope. Let me just get home and get off my feet!” 

~~~~~

 Several hours later, Casey was asleep in their bedroom while Tobias worked in his office down the hall.  He played his voice messages on speaker mode as he checked his e-mails. 

“… Hi, it’s Ethan.  I just wanted to let you know Sienna, and I finalized the plans for the joint bachelor/bachelorette party. Call me when you have a chance to discuss….” 

He deleted and listened to the next. 

“… Hey, bro.  It’s me again.  Look, I get that you probably don’t want to talk to me, and I understand why.  But if you could give me just five minutes, I’d like to….” 

He hit delete before hearing the whole message and resumed his work.  Still, he couldn’t stay focused, no matter how hard he tried.  His phone rang again, and Jordan’s picture flashed on the screen.  He muted the ringer, then, warring with himself, he picked up the phone. 

“You have exactly five minutes starting right now,” Tobias scowled. 

“Hey, T. Thanks for answering….” 

“The clock is ticking.” 

“Look, I’d love to see you so we could do this in person….” 

“Not happening.” 

“OK, so I’ll do it here.  I owe you an apology.” 

“You owe me nothing.  You owe my pregnant fiancee, the woman I love more than anything in this world, an apology.” 

“And I’d… I’d be happy to give it to her if….” 

“Well, you’re not.  Not now.  She’s in her first trimester, and it’s my job to make her life as stress-free as possible.  You’re going nowhere near her.” 

“I understand.  But then, can I meet with you? I want to explain….” 

“I don’t want to hear an explanation, Jordan.  It sounds too much like an excuse, and there is no excuse for you disparaging Casey and mocking us for expecting a child together.  There is no excuse for that, and I’m under no obligation to forgive you.” 

“I… I understand, but… can we just talk? There are things you don’t know that….” 

“Not now.  I can’t.  I’m furious, and I’m not ready to make nice.  You’re on my schedule now, and I’ll call you when and if I’m ready to hear what you have to say.” 

“OK, that’s fair.  It’s just that your wedding is just weeks away, and….” 

“Yes, it is.  And this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of our lives, and I’m ensuring it will be by keeping you away.  Am I clear?” 

“Crystal.” 

“Good.  Now don’t call me. The next move is mine.” 

He hung up the phone, then removed his glasses to rub his eyes. Standing up to walk across the moonlit room, a framed photo caught his eye.  A much younger Tobias playing on the beach with his father.  He took the frame in his hand and smiled.  He waited too long to repair the damage with his dad, and he learned the hard way that time waits for no one.  But his dad never insulted the woman he loved.  His dad never mocked the biggest blessing that ever happened to him.  

Tobias put the photo back in its spot and continued to the window.  Staring out into the night sky, he considered began thinking of what his father would want him to do.  But he wasn’t ready.  

“Tobias?” Casey called from down the hall.  He knew the tone in her voice, she was probably having a nightmare, and he rushed to be with her. 

“Coming, baby.” 

He knew what mattered: Casey and their child.  Everything else would have to wait.

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @choices-november2022

[nomoreusername]

Sunshine and Rain (Part 3)

Pairing:Sonya x female reader

Summary:While just trying to vent to an object Aris pulls your emotions to the surface.

Was I doing the only thing I was a master at and avoiding my problems (Sonya)? Yes. Yes I was. I refuse to confront this right now or ever. I’ll just run from my issues. I always was good at that.

So I stayed several feet away, just out of sight. Hidden by the shore, I was just below her, every now and then turning and watching her figure before looking back at the waves.

Keeping my feet in the water, I watched as a seashell washed up. Picking it up, I figured it was safe to rant to. After all, I highly doubt a shell will spread my secrets.

“Hey shell. I’m Y/N, and I have severe problems connecting with people. As of such, I won't talk to this wonderful girl about my feelings for her, even though she's the only person capable of helping sort them out. All I know is ever since she kissed me, even if it was on the cheek, my mind had been filled with only her. I have no idea how to fix this problem but am currently making sure we don't cross paths, which seems like a terrible idea. I also make terrible decisions though so it’s fine. Decisions like falling for a girl who doesn't want me,”I ranted.

“Hey-”

“I wasn't talking to a sea shell,”I immediately lied, throwing it in the sea. Turning around, I saw Aris standing there with an unreadable expression.

“I didn't think that you were,”He shrugged, taking a spot by me before I could do anything. Staring at the sunset, lost in our own thoughts, I tried to pretend he wasn't there as my mind was still traveling back to her.

“How have you been, rainy?”He spoke up.

“Excuse me?”I snapped, glaring at him.

“I just asked how you are, rainy.”

“Where the hell do you get off?”I asked in disbelief.

“What are you talking about?”He questioned, playing dumb.

“Nobody is allowed to call me rainy but Sonya. Do you understand? That is my special name from her, and you will not use it again,”I demanded.

“It's just a nickname,”He complained.

“It's not just a nickname. It's my nickname that Sonya gave to me, and it is not to come out of anyone's mouth. Have I made myself clear?”I asked slowly.

“So it's special because it's from her?”He clarified.

“Exactly.”

“So in that case, Sonya is special to you,”He stated, making me sort of regret my outburst as I glared at the sand like it used mind control on me. “I probably shouldn't be telling you, but you're special to her too.”

“I am?”I asked, hiding the unwanted hope in my voice.

“Yeah. She talks about you to me all the time. She goes on and on like you're the only topic to exist.”

“Are you being serious?”

“I have no reason to lie. It's almost concerning, but most of all, it's pure, like she's talking about the stars or the ocean.”

“That's, wow,”I whispered, looking at him again.

“Do you love her?”He asked.

“What?”

“Do you love her?”He repeated. As I instinctively went to say no my throat dried up. Unable to find any words, I slowly nodded my head as the realization hit me harder than anything ever had before. “I thought so,”He shrugged.

“I love someone. I love Sonya,”I managed to say.

“You should tell her,”He suggested.

“I don't know how,”I admitted. “I don't know how to say those words to anyone.”

“Well, I think you can do it. And who knows? She probably feels the same way. After all, she did kiss you,”He pointed out, going to stand.

“How do you know about that?”I asked quickly.

“I told you. She talks about you, a lot. So say something so she'll talk to you instead. As much as I love hanging out with her, if I hear your name one more time I’m gonna go deaf,”He shrugged, giving me a small smile before walking away, leaving me to figure out just how much truth, if any, there was to his words.

But he was right. He had no reason to lie so maybe just this once I could trust someone and tell Sonya how I feel.

[reidoulaa]

Everything will be okay

Pairing: dad!reid x daughter!reader

Summary: After Emily died Y/N had a hard time dealing with it. Her behavior had changed so Spencer decided to talk to her to find out why. He never imagined the conversation that followed.

Characters: Spencer Reid, Y/N Reid, mentions of the team, a little JJ, mentions of Emily Prentiss

Warnings: angst, some swearing and fighting,

Author’s note: I wrote this like 3 years ago and I decided to post it because why not:)I have taken I think two phrases from another fanfiction but I really can’t find it. also english isn’t my first language<3

Word count: 1,5K

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“She never made it off the table” JJ said. These seven words were enough to break the team. Morgan had to be strong and hugged Garcia who was crying. Rossi and Seaver couldn’t believe it. Hotch was sad from the decision he had to make which would affect the whole team but it was the right thing to do. JJ was tearing up and Reid tried to walk away.

“Spence…” JJ said.

“I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye” he said.

“Come here” And then JJ hugged Spencer who cried in her arms.

Lastly, was Y/N who was trying to process the information. Y/N and Emily were close, really close. Emily was like a mother to Y/N as her mother had died many years ago. She was also her best friend and Y/N trusted her with her life.

Y/N wanted to cry but she wanted her personal space to be vulnerable so she excused herself and went to the bathroom. As soon as she closed the door behind her all the emotions came to the surface. Anger about Doyle, guilt because she wasn’t able to help her, not that she could do anything as she was only 15 years old but still, and lastly pain. Pain was an emotion she had felt many times, when her mother died and every time Spencer was hurt. She fell to the floor with her back at the wall.

She was crying for almost 20 minutes which exhausted her and she didn’t notice that JJ had come in. JJ had to touch her shoulder to draw her attention.

“Shh…come here” JJ said and Y/N obliged. As she hugged her, Y/N started crying even harder to the point she couldn’t catch her breath. JJ was trying to calm her down but didn’t succeed it.

“Please Y/N, breath…you’re hyperventilating right now” JJ panicked.

“I…I can’t, I can’t…” Y/N was ready to pass out so JJ texted Spencer to come and help her.

As soon as Spencer read the text, he went immediately to the bathroom. When he opened the door the scene broke his heart even more. He saw a scared JJ holding a crying Y/N. He ran to JJ and took his daughter and held her in his chest.

“Can you get out please? We’ll be out in a sec” Spencer asked JJ who nodded and got out.

“Please listen to my breathing and feel my heartbeat Y/N. I’m here…Shh…” Y/N tried to match her breathing with his and she tried to focus to his heartbeat.

After 10 minutes her loud sobs became silent tears and her breathing had returned back to normal. That’s when they went back to the waiting room and found the others. Nobody spoke as they didn’t know what to say or how they are going to deal with this. They all returned home and Y/N went straight to her bedroom. She started crying again as soon as her head fell on the pillow. She cried until she fell asleep.

-7 months time skip-

Spencer was really concerned about Y/N as she was acting weird lately. She had some outbursts at school and at home. So he decided to tell her to come to the BAU and talk about it.

And there they were, sitting in the break room waiting for the other to talk. “Are you going to explain why are you acting weird lately?”, Spencer said. Y/N stayed quiet and didn’t make eye contact. Spencer was trying to make her open up but he was failing miserably.

“I know I have been working a lot the last couple of weeks but I don’t think that’s the only reason, right?”. Y/N just crossed her hands and looked at him. “ Please talk to me”, Spencer begged his daughter.

Y/N tried to speak calmly but didn’t succeed it. “I’m literally an open book and you are a fucking profiler and genius so try to figure out what the fuck is wrong”. She was on the verge of tears.

“What are you trying to say? And mind your language!”

“Think why I’m acting weird. What may have happened?”

“I don’t know. Something at school?”, Spencer tried to think as hard as he could.

“Not even close. If you don’t understand it that means you don’t know what the fuck I’m going through”. Y/N finally let some tears fall.

“Come on, drop the attitude and just tell me. You are never like this. You were always sweet and caring”

“Oh really? Do I? And for your information, people change and turn heartless when they once cared too much so yes, I fucking changed!”

After that, they both stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. Spencer was thinking ways to approach her. He was a genius when it came to history, crimes or statistics but he had no idea what to do. On the other hand, Y/N wasn’t trusting her voice anymore so she stayed quiet, taking deep breaths.

“Okay…I know I have been distant lately but since Emily died…”

“I know and that’s the problem, dad. You aren’t the only one who’s grieving Emily’s death. Em and I were close too. She was like my sister and my best friend. Some things I’ve told Emily, I haven’t told them to my best friends from school because I don’t trust them as much as I trusted her. I lost a friend too. The only difference between you and me is that you have the team and I have to deal with it alone and as you can see I’ve failed terribly at doing so”. Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence.

Spencer couldn’t believe it. He was so into his own grief that he didn’t see that his daughter was struggling and that had a huge effect in her life. Sure the team was devastated but at least they had one another. Y/N was alone and she didn’t say a word.

“Do you want to discuss it? I’m worried about your mental health.”

Y/N decided that it was time to open up and explain what have happened the last 7 months. “When Emily died I was really sad, I think you remember that day…I still am. I can’t focus on something more than twenty minutes without thinking about her. Sometimes at school I had to ask to go to the bathroom because I wanted to cry but soon they stopped letting me go because they said I was going too much so I was staying in class tearing up , saying it was an allergy.”

Y/N stopped to take a deep breath to hold back the more tears that were threating to fall and continue. “Finally, I can’t sleep at night. For the past 7 months I have breakdowns almost every night and I cry myself to sleep. Some of the times I…I almost fainted because I was hyperventilating so bad.” Y/N let all her feelings out and started crying.

Spencer had been speechless and couldn’t understand how he missed the signs. He came closer to Y/N and hugged her. She let herself into her dad’s hug that provided her a sense of comfort.

“I’m sorry for being such a bad dad lately. I’m so so sorry, baby…” Spencer had tears in his eyes as well.

“It…it’s okay. I know that you had your own problems. I…I just miss her so fucking much dad…”

“I know babe…I know. I miss her too.”

That was the last thing Y/N said before having another breakdown in front of her dad but she didn’t care. She knew he was the one person he could probably help her through it.

After almost fifteen minutes Spencer managed to calm her down and they decided to go home. When they got out of the room the whole team was gathered and looked at them worried as they all cared for Y/N as their own child. Spencer made a signal to be quiet and they headed home.

It wasn’t too late but they both were tired, especially Y/N so she went straight to bed. Spencer went to kiss her for good night.

“Tomorrow I’ll stay home and we’ll talk about it, okay?” Y/N nodded. “Everything will be fine. Goodnight, baby, i love you so much.” Spencer said and got out of the room closing the door behind him.

“Goodnight, dad. I love you too” Y/N said before falling asleep.

Spencer smiled and went to his room thinking of ways to make the most important person in his life feel better.

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“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” -John Lennon

Part 2 with Emily’s return?

[yellowhollyhock]

The different family cultures of each iteration of turtles, using the example of how conflict is navigated

In 1987 when one of them is upset they will first have some type of small verbal outburst and then close themselves in their room. Then Master Splinter will say something like, “I believe this was very serious to him. You may have hurt his feelings.” Which is a very soft reprimand and also pretty redundant because this is a script they’re all familiar with. The offended turtle made an angry defensive statement and then shut the door. They all know this song and dance. But Master Splinter’s prompt is part of it because they all like routine (look at every single character with their “as Michelangelo would say, Cowabunga,” sometimes with Michelangelo standing right there, they love each other’s voices they love echoing each other they love predictability and familiarity). It’s like when I prompt my third graders to say sorry or excuse me or thank you; they know it’s coming, and when I’m not listening they do it on their own, but if they know I’m there they like to wait for prompt because it’s been established as a routine to help them learn social norms and it’s comforting to remember they can still have help (just have to be careful not to give too much help and end up making them feel judged and nagged) (am I saying that this happens with Splinter? Well I’m not not saying it). Anyway this is fitting and heartwarming because the 87 turtles mutated from toddlers into teens. They never got to be third graders and their family culture has developed in a way that allows them their dignity while also giving them as much structure and guidance and forgiving safety net as possible.

In 2012 when feelings get hurt it’s all very out in the open. Donnie insults Mikey’s intelligence? Mikey tackles him from behind. Leo is annoyed with Raph? Open criticism none secret. Donnie doesn’t like Leo pressuring him? He’s gonna scream about it might even throw something. And in the flip side, there’s Raph lifting Leo into a hug to show his gratitude for being accepted. There’s Donnie beaming at Mikey when he beats the electrocution game telling him how awesome he is. They’re very open with their feelings, like extremely so very open. Visiting their house would be just sensory overload. Like we all had those cousins right? There’s always peanut butter on the wall and screaming in the other room and the toilet seat is left up. It’s warm and comfortable but also really chaotic and almost disturbing. That’s the 2012 turtles. And this also makes a lot of sense considering they were the most completely isolated for fifteen years.

The 2003 turtles are very sensitive. Idk how else to phrase it. They’re very in tune with each other, and just like with the 2012 turtles this means they’re there for each other, and also that they hurt each other. But quite unlike 2012, they’re very… not reserved exactly. Not formal, either. There’s a lot of warmth but it’s very quiet. If 03 visited 12 (especially Donnie because I think that’s the starkest difference) they’d be shocked. It would feel rude to them. They definitely get angry but they’re very gentle with each other. They can hear the emotions loud and clear, but to someone who isn’t familiar with them the way they are with each other it can look like they aren’t communicating at all. They act the most their age when they’re only with each other, and much more grownup when outsiders are around (seeing them relax around April and Casey gets to me every time). This tracks because Master Splinter has never been human and started out with no idea how mutation would work. He needed them to grow up fast, superficially if necessary, because he didn’t know how long he’d be able to take care of them. And once that’s done you can’t just undo it.

With Rise when someone’s mad there’s a lot of yelling and name-calling. Donnie uses dum-dum, Raph and Leo both use jerk. Mikey purposely bottles it all up so he can be Dr Delicate Touch, which is terrifying honestly. If the name-calling cuts too deep or an issue is more serious to one guy than the other guys, they’re all about big elaborate gestures. Lots of big gestures for expressing positive emotions, too. When Donnie’s robot hurts his brothers feelings they reprogram him to bully his creator (they obviously didn’t mean for it to be as dangerous as it was but even so their plan was quite. Excessive). When they accidentally flush Piebald they end up dealing with an entire revenge plot from her and Master Splinter himself. They have a big old snowball fight over which Jupiter Jim movie they like best. Whether they’re expressing hurt or just saying I love you, it’s all about ✨ pizazz ✨. Which. You know. They were raised by Lou Jitsu who is all about pizazz, but not only that, they had to use big gestures to get his attention.

It’s interesting to think about how these differences would affect how they are with each other. 1987’s rituals would throw off most of the other turtles, I think the rise boys would love it though. 2003 turtles are positively chaotic but in a multiversal group they’d never get blamed for stuff because they seem polite.

[klcthebookworm]

WIP Wednesday

Meryl continued to investigate while everyone else went to sleep. The investigation is going poorly.

Meryl growled under her breath at the lack of answers. She continued turning pages. Three weeks of more samples tested, more pushing for Hybrid Four to do something that never happened, and the last entry in the folder said the military representative was coming to conduct their own tests. And that was it.

That was it! No note from Nana explaining why she did what she had done and what she knew. She had still had her mental facilities when she put this package together for Meryl. She could have written a confession. Or at least the location of the laboratory of Meryl’s nightmares.

Meryl flipped through the beginning pages again. She was right, no location written down anywhere. She growled again. Leaving out this information was unacceptable! Where could she go to find out what the hell she even was?

Vash rolled out of the sofa and onto his feet. “I know what that sound means.” Before Meryl could feel guilty about waking him up because Milly had slept through louder outbursts from her, he was at the table and switching off the lamp. “And as adorable as it is, none of us really need you yelling at us.”

Wait, adorable? Why was he calling her adorable? What did he mean by that? She couldn’t articulate her questions and while she was speechless, Vash scooped her out of the chair.

He laid her on her right side facing the sofa back, lay his long body behind her back, settled the bedroll blanket over them both, and draped his left arm over it and her waist. “So sex?” he asked.

That broke through the numbness that had froze her tongue. “Excuse you!” She whispered furiously, not wanting to wake anyone in the bedroom but he had to know that was not how to ask her for it.

He sighed hard enough to ruffle the hair on top of her head. “I don’t know what to do,” he said in a low, contrite voice she had never heard from him before. “I want to help you and I don’t know what to do. You are exhausted and getting sick over this and you know you need to rest to figure out what is frustrating you, but you’re stuck in the getting frustrated part. You have to know you need to rest. So if sex will help you forget enough to relax and sleep, I’m offering. Badly, obviously. I didn’t think I could do it worse than the last time. But I’m willing to help you. If you’d rather drink it away, I will get dressed and go find some open saloon in this city to buy you a bottle of whiskey.”

That made her heart plummet and she grabbed his gloved left hand to stop him from leaving. “Don’t go! They’ll catch you or something bad will happen—” She clamped her mouth shut to keep the spike of fear inside her. But she couldn’t loosen her fingers.

“Then I won’t go,” he said gently. “But you know just how hard I am to catch.”

She took a ragged breath trying to regain control of her free-wheeling emotions. “You must think I’m a stupid, emotional woman.” She was too exhausted to polish off the bitterness of always being judged lacking.

“Never stupid,” he said firmly. “I have lost count of the stupid I have dealt with, and you and Milly have never been in that category. And emotions are just psychological states and are fine as long as you don’t hurt anyone with them. You’d have to exert a lot more force on that hand in order to hurt it.”

She looked at her hand wrapped around his left hand, his replacement hand. “You’re still wearing your glove?”

He chuckled. “That’s not psychological. I don’t have a hate for it. Got it attached to the stump too fast to really miss the arm I was born with. Hair gets caught in the knuckle joints. Hopefully the next upgrade fixes that and I’ll be able to keep the gloves off occasionally.”

“I’m not trying to hurt your hand.” She shifted her fingers and pressed his hand onto her stomach. “How much can you feel with this?”

“A lot compared to some models available. My right is more sensitive.” He didn’t move it against her stomach. “Do you want the whiskey?”

The thought of losing control in the middle of all this uncertainty was a twang of wrong notes on her nerves. “Don’t go. You don’t have to go find whiskey.”

“I do want to help, Meryl. I’m sorry I don’t know how.”

“Jumping to sex rather sounds like you want to help yourself.”

“Not without your consent. And giving you a good time is not the worst thing to do on the planet.”

She snorted. “You propose it when we never have a bed available.”

“Huh. So I do. Sorry about that. Though the sofa is better than sand.”

He was serious about the offer, but there was another problem with the timing. “Just how soon did you want to have the sex talk with Chuck?”

“Not this soon,” he said fervently.

[confessionblog]

hello! i’ve been searching for a place like this to get this one thing off my chest. it really means so much to have a safe space like this. thank you for being here for people❤️

i’m actually quite paranoid about sending this, even if it’s anonymous. you may not want to reply publicly, if it’s as bad as i feel it is.

trigger warning for physical abuse and autistic trauma and meltdowns.

when we were younger, me and my brother shared a room, so we spent a lot of time together and were really close. i loved him loads (still do, even though we’ve drifted apart) but just like any average little brother, he had a habit of trying to annoy or disturb me, which didn’t pair well with me being a short-tempered, super sensitive and emotional (undiagnosed) autistic child. it led to me having uncontrollable bursts of anger.

i did eventually learn to manage my anger, regulate my emotions and cope in healthier ways, but to this day i’m haunted by how my rage would push me as far as h*tt*ng him, and sometimes ch*k*ng him. it was always for very brief, and i think i remember asking him about it years after it happened and him not remembering it, but i can’t imagine how scary and traumatising of an experience it must have been for him in the moment. so many years have passed but i still find myself thinking and feeling so guilty about it. the memories are just so vivid and ingrained in my brain, i can’t bring myself to describe them, they make me sick to my stomach. i’m so ashamed, i’ve never told anyone about this, and it feels like i’m hiding this huge terrible secret and just pretending to be a good person. because what kind of person does that? it’s such a fucked up thing to do, especially to someone you love. i know i was just a child (7-9) so i can’t treat it as though a sane, sober adult did it, but i still regret and hate myself for my actions. even back then, i hated myself for it. it was like a blind rage and the second it passed i would start crying, ridden with guilt, hugging him close, apologising profusely. how could i have done such a horrible thing? what’s wrong with me? i’m the world’s worst sibling, i deserve to be punished etc, etc. i literally remember thinking those things, and crying myself to sleep over it months and years down the line.

now that i’m older, i mourn that i wasn’t given the support i clearly needed for my behaviour back then. like, it’s not okay for a child that young to be so emotionally unstable and have such violent outbursts, right? i don’t blame or resent my parents, they didn’t always find out about these instances after all (when they did, they would just tell me not to take my anger out on my brother, and him not to purposely annoy me) but because they were so preoccupied with accomodating his undiagnosed but suspected autism, they failed to notice or accommodate mine (it presented differently in me, and in general i was a well-behaved and unproblematic child, and learned to mask early on. i bring this up not as an excuse, just to clarify and contextualise some things, because my brother would often overstimulate me on purpose e.g. by continuously poking/touching me, repeating noises after telling him i didn’t like them, and that’s what would set me off)

the memories flood back every few years, and sometimes i even feel bad for having stopped thinking about them, like i should be revisiting and mentally bullying myself over them every day, all the time, as a punishment or some kind of repentance? or that i don’t deserve to feel bad because i was the perpetrator not the victim.

it’s been so long but i don’t know if i’ll ever have the courage to address it with anyone in real life, especially my brother, who is a teenager now, going through a phase of shutting everybody out, and who i’m no longer close enough with to discuss such a heavy subject. maybe in the future, when it’s better for both of us? it horrifies me to imagine that he might still remember it, but it would probably be good for closure and healing any resentment in our relationship.

most of all though, i think i’m afraid that i’ll be seen as monstrous/evil or psychotic. is that melodramatic? i feel like even now that i’m an adult, i’ll somehow be persecuted for my actions, which is completely irrational, i know. i just still feel as though my reactions were inexcusable, and that i’m irredeemable as a person because of them. it still eats at me every time i’m reminded of it. but i was also just a kid, and that gives me so many conflicted emotions? we spent almost all of our time together, and he’d never listen when i verbally told him to stop several times, which is why i resorted to physical retaliation. but that doesn’t mean he deserved to be treated that way. should i have known better? were my parents not doing enough or was i the problem?

i don’t even know where i could’ve learned the behaviour from. maybe violent movies? my parents weren’t as strict with what i watched as they probably should’ve been because i was such a ‘mature’ child and, seemingly, didn’t mimic what i saw in television, so i got ‘free passes’. also, my parents didn’t physically abuse us, so it’s not a cycle or normalisation of violence or anything. they’d spanked us occasionally for discipline, but nothing serious. hitting/fighting between siblings wasn’t considered unusual, at least during younger years, amongst my family and such. but i ‘grew out’ of my reactive anger fairly quick, and i’d never lay a hand on a person now, especially not anybody i love. i don’t even raise my voice when people anger me now.

this is the first time i’ve ever acknowledged this outside of my own head. i might end up regretting choosing to dump it online, i feel like i’ll either get backlash and hate that’ll make me feel worse or armchair diagnoses that i’m a psychopath or something. but it’s easier this way and the best i can do in my circumstances (can’t afford a therapist at the moment) and honestly just cathartic to finally express all these thoughts and feelings that have been accumulating in me over the years. i’m by no means UNremorseful of what i did, but i don’t actually think i’m an awful human being, you know? i feel that way sometimes, but i know i’m not. a lot of this is my honest feelings and not meant to be taken as, like, i don’t know, performative self-loathing/remorse? i guess i can’t really prove that or control people’s opinions of me, but i can’t help wanting to be sincerely understood, especially over worst case scenarios like having my plain old venting and honesty interpreted as, like, some fucked up multilayer reverse psychology type manipulation tactics.

i would be incredibly grateful for advice, but even if this ends up being ignored, i’m just glad i was able to tell someone. perhaps this situation is not as serious as i feel it is and i’m blowing it out of proportion, or it is, but either way it’s been genuinely severely upsetting to me, and i hope to find a way to talk to someone about it and break it all down someday. for now i’m just here.

anyway.

tldr; i had unresolved anger issues as a kid stemming from my autism and my brother would often be the recipient of my violent outbursts/meltdowns. i’m still ridden with guilt and anxiety about it to this day, and feel like a bad person.

I was also an angry kid, and I think about it a lot too.