#excuse my emotional outbursts I’m just feeling a lot

[triptychgardener]

Hello sorry if this is a bother but I am asking in good faith where is the reading for transmasc nepeta. I’m asking this cuz of your last ask (the June one) and I see aradia Dirk and Jane. Thoes all I have seen post and analysis about. But I have not really seen anything about nepeta.

Okay so first thing you gotta understand is that gender in Homestuck, for lack of a better way to say it, can be understood in how characters reflect and relate to each other. That being said to understand Nepeta's gender, we gotta understand the gender of at the very least one other person.

Dave.

And more specifically.

Davepeta, Homestuck's very own first(ish) trans character.

Davepeta is noted to be a sort of platonic ideal of existence for both Dave and Nepeta. Somehow, through a strange series of cosmic coincidences, these two end up making an odd sort of parallel. Both having a strange relationship to a man who loves him some goddamn horses. The whole Akwete Purrmusk thing. I mean, Dave canonically engaged in semi-nonironic furry roleplay with Nepeta offscreen, and given what we know about what becoming a furry in Homestuck means, it's not a leap to describe this as their ideal form.

But, although we don't see a lot of Nepeta's character arc, we do see a lot of Dave's. He struggles his whole life under an incredibly oppressive masculine force (both of Bro and, indirectly, Lord English), and once the game is over ends up deconstructing and largely rejecting that.

So when Davesprite, who's also probably been thinking about this for even longer, bereft of purpose or identity, finds a kindred soul in a spunky catgirl... well the rest is Davepeta.

And similarly, there are points in the story where Nepeta acts kind of uncomfortable with how others see her as exclusively something to be protected. The whole "Dear, sweet, precious Nepeta" grates on her early on, as Equius uses it as an excuse to control her actions. The whole of moiraillegience as it is originally explained (i.e. one party helps to calm down an especially brutal and violent person from outbursts of anger, and in turn that person will protect the more docile, even-tempered soul from external harm) even kind of FEELS like the way heterosexual relationships are portrayed in a lot of conservative spaces, where women are nuturers and caretakers while men are protectors. And Nepeta is supposed to, in this situation, be the person who helps Equius manage his emotions, which she feels some consternation at!

Now, over the course of Hivebent, their relationship appears to evolve and get a bit more balanced, but it still carries these overtones of "I will protect you, and you will handle my outbursts." Notably, when Equius goes to seek the Highb100d, and leaves Nepeta behind.

And of course not after roleplaying as each other.

Which. I mean come on.

But notably, Nepeta doesn't just stay put! She doesn't really want to be protected all the time! And when push comes to shove, she leaps out to defend, or at the very least avenge, her best friend.

And then, we don't really see Nepeta for a while!

Until we get to the end of the comic.

During their whole "date", Nepeta seems a little uncomfortable with Jasprose's affections. She may be a bit flattered, but Jasprose also fully admits later that she was frankly looking for any girl she could fall in love with after the tragic death of her girlfriend and possible more tragic untimely resurrection.

But then the pivotal handshake happens, and we get to see who is perhaps the most happy being in all of Homestuck.

Then we get into some of the only actual discussion of gender in Homestuck. We don't get much besides that, for both of their lives, Dave and Nepeta both felt something was missing. Something felt wrong that they couldn't quite place that made them both miserable. I don't think it's a massive stretch to say this could be gender dysphoria.

And when they combine, they feel the fullness of the gendered experience they were missing, melded together like a two-piece puzzle.

Now while the abovementioned "strong identities as a boy and a girl" might throw you off, I would point to what Victoria Lacroix said about this passage: note the lack of the word "respectively." I rest my case.

Now full disclosure, my personal headcanon for Nepeta is genderfluid transmasc. The whole affinity for roleplaying lends itself to a more shifting identity and I just think Nepeta, given more time, would love exploring the little nooks and crannies of gender.

This isn't going into the more complicated shit with Gender when it comes to Equius and Dirk and all that other stuff. Here's a quick summary so you can see exactly how my brain is broken.

Anyways, thanks for the question! I hope I answered my thoughts on the topic adequately! If other people have more to say about this, please feel free to add on!

[blackbullet99]

Why (as a Kataang shipper and in general) I don’t like Zutara shippers.

(I promise it’s NOT a Pro-Zutara post and it’s NOT an Anti-Kataang post).

LONG POST INCOMING, but if you have the time, please read. 😁

I’ve been thinking. I don’t hate Zutara.

No, I’m not being held hostage, and I know this kinda goes against my rather vitriolic and brutal response to Zutara shippers, but the ship itself is fine and I’m sure 95% of the shippers are decent people.

I really love Zuko and Katara’s friendship, it’s one of the most interesting unique dynamics of the show. It’s annoying when people say, they’re toxic, or they’re barely friends, or it’s a colonizer ship. Zuko and Katara weren’t toxic by the end of the show, they have a great relationship at the end, they were absolutely close friends, ready to lay down their lives for each other. Zuko WAS a colonizer, but he learned this line of thinking was wrong and actively sought to make the world a better place and save The Earth Kingdom.

That being said, Kataang is definitely indisputably the superior “ship”. We see the two start of a close friends from the get-go, they both have a lot of admiration and respect for one another, they grow to love each other dearly despite their flaws, they support each other constantly. And it’s abundantly clear that not only does Aang love Katara, but Katara loves Aang, some may it’s one-sided, but that’s objectively false, it’s painfully obvious they mean the world to each other, we see their bond get stronger, but they have a strong friendship and bond first and foremost and their romantic feelings comfortably exist within.

When I say Zutara shippers are annoying, entitled, toxic idiots, I’m specifically referring to the very vocal minority of people that seem to dominate ZK shipping discussions on Tumblr.

People like…

the-badger-mole who villainizes Aang and hates a fictional 12 year old to a ridiculous degree. Not to mention has so many objectively wrong takes.

longing-for-rain who villainizes Aang, downplaying his trauma, and is unempathetic to his emotions, but will excuses all of Zuko’s anger and outbursts cuz “muh enemies to lovers”.

eponastory who straight up downplays the very serious effects of genocide and the trauma it causes.

sokkastyles who actually thinks an imperialist play reflects the real Katara, (and yes they think the Zutara means “Zutara should’ve been canon, waah”).

zutarawasrobbed who straight up compared Aang to Ozai.

burst-of-iridescent who invalidates Katara trauma from bloodbending cuz she did it in front of Zuko once, but the evil Aang must’ve forced Katara to stop. 🙄

linnoya-writes who straight up infantizes Aang and adulifies Katara, and then that’s the audacity to put their garbage in the Kataang tag.

miss-sweetea-pie who makes mindless assumptions about people who like Aang, as though people ignore Aang’s faults and he never learns because he’s cute. Which is not only untrue, but completely ignores the fact people ignore and romanticize Zuko’s faults because to them he’s hot.

araeph who not only lies about interviewing Aaron Ehasz, but also says borderline racist stuff like this just to pathetically validate their non-canon ship (this is apparently what Sokka would gain from Zutara becoming a couple).

This idiot who acts like Aang forced Katara to comfort him and Katara apparently never treated Aang as an equal. Not to mention weirdly villainizing Zuko and Mai, because Mai didn’t coddle Zuko (like they claim Katara did to Aang) and Zuko became Fire Lord?

This hateful idiot, who is a straight up genocide denier.

And this racist weirdo who straight up writes slave fanfics about Katara being owned by Zuko. Ew.

It’s these types of people who suck. They’re the most delusional entitled moronic idiots who are fake A:TLA fans with no media-literacy who only care about a middle school ship, so they pathetically mischaracterize Aang, Katara, Zuko and Mai, and whine about Bryke not giving into their desires like the little bitches they are. Screw these guys.

That being said the ship itself isn’t bad, it’s just the vocal minority who ruin it for me. I love Zuko and Katara’s friendship, and I wish the great characters in this great series would stop being mischaracterized.

To anyone who reads this, have a nice day.

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Part two thoughts on an ani x bpd reader? Like, when things get that bad, does either of them wake the fuck up and realize things need to change? Remorse or guilt? The reader leaving? Ani leaving or falling into a self loathing hole, doing bad stuff again and again whether to himself or reader) and not taking care of himself?

It’s interesting to read some of your takes on BPD relationships, because I obviously have no idea what that’s like, but you do. You can make it seem very addicting, but also very terrifying and unhealthy, depending on which way the pendulum swings (I hope you take that as a compliment. Tone is hard through text. Lol. 😅).

I personally do not believe abuse is justified in any situation, whether you have a disorder or not. There’s lots of ways to deal with feelings without taking it out on someone else. On the other hand, I know some BPD’s have described feeling horrified with themselves after an episode like that, and so I’ve never really known just how much ‘control’ someone has in that moment. Either way, I still believe it’s the person’s responsibility to find a way to deal with it. Nobody deserves to be miserable around them just because they can’t handle something.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a rant. Apologies. Lol. My main request was for a part two of Ani x BPD reader! ❤️🫶✨

Not offended at all bby.

I think after I’m done with stalker!ani I’ll write a fic on this. Just cause so many people have asked about it.

100% BPD X BPD would be a terrible pairing. Coming from me as a bpd gal.

Now, personally, I’ve never physically abused anyone during an episode. But I HAVE done lots of property damage and I also broke my hand when I used a concrete wall as a punching bag. I split a wooden bat at the tip from whacking a fence once.

When it gets that bad, I don’t really remember what I said or did. I just feel really jittery, almost like an extreme caffeine high you know? (Imagine old cartoon character drinking coffee and their whole body vibrates, eyeballs and all)

But if it doesn’t get to that point, which it rarely does now that I’m medicated correctly and have a good support system, I IMMEDIATELY feel regret. Like horrible sorrow. Bpd means big feelings and when I feel regret, which isn’t often, it feels like I’m grieving a death that I’m to blame for.

For the smaller, more snappy or short outbursts:

My mouth works faster than the logical part of my brain that tells me not to say something mean.

Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of saying something awful and then I just have to finish it because the damage is done and I may as well spit it out. Then I’ll lock myself in the bathroom for an hour until I’ve hyped myself up enough to apologize, then I’ll go back to the bathroom until the big feelings from my apology die down. I’ll be quiet, basically selectively mute for the rest of the day and be super irritable.

It’s exhausting. But it’s even more exhausting to have to continually remind myself not to spew the first thing that pops into my head or not to chuck the bag of shredded cheese at the wall because I can’t get the ziploc to open.

It’s so stupid that something so small as getting my hairbrush stuck on a knot in my hair could set me off into a teeth gritting, foot stomp and shriek. Like wtf? That’s embarrassing. But it happens before I can even think about what I’m doing.

The best way I can describe it is: I’m a bratty toddler when it comes to emotional regulation.

But you’re so right tho, your illness doesn’t give you an excuse to be an ass. It just proves the person doesn’t want to put in the work to get better if they use it as a justifying reason.

BPD might cause my reactions, but I’m in charge of my actual actions. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to recognize that though. I’m an adult now, I’m medicated, I’ve spent my fair share of days in the loony bin. Looking back at my teenage self? It’s horrific and sad. For me and everyone around me back then.

[sebbypowell]

WinterWidow's Family

Summary: Katie got into an argument with the man who took her in after what Hydra did to her. Bucky and Natasha find out what's really going on with Katie at school so they will pay a visit to the principal at the school.

Words: 5k

Warnings: Swearing, arguing, and bullying on social media

Part 2

"It wasn't my fucking fault! They came after me first!" Katie argued.

“That’s not the point, Katie!” Bucky retorted, his fingers running through his hair. “You got into a fight. Again! For the 5th time this month!”

Natasha sat quietly, watching the two of them argue like they were a married couple.

“They were making fun of me again!” Katie argued back “It’s not my fault they don’t know when to shut their mouths!”

“So you FIGHT them?!” Bucky questioned, “Do you not realize you can get into a lot of trouble for fighting? They could press charges, call your school, god you could get expelled!”

“OH LIKE I CARE! IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE I’M GOING TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL!” Katie retorted with a scoff, leaning against the wall stubbornly.

“Katie!” Bucky yelled again, his patience growing thin. “Don’t give that BULLSHIT excuse! Of course you’re going to finish high school!”

“Oh yeah? Then how am I supposed to finish high school when I’m going to get put in jail for fighting?” Katie retorted back, crossing her arms over her chest “Oh wait! You both wouldn’t care if I got put in jail.”

Bucky was at his limit. He started to walk up to the girl, but Natasha placed a hand on his chest to hold him back. He paused for a moment before looking over at her.

“James, go cool down.” Natasha told him softly, “I’ll handle this.”

Bucky let out a low huff, his eyes locked on the teen for a moment longer before walking off to their room. As he did, Natasha turned her full attention toward the teen who continued to lean against the wall stubbornly.

"Do you really think we wouldn't care if you went to jail?" Natasha questioned, tilting her head at the girl slightly.

Katie looked up slightly, a stubborn look still on her face “Of course you wouldn’t, I’m just a stranger that’s been placed into your lives and all I do is cause trouble all the time.”

Natasha’s heart sank when she heard those words. She never knew Katie felt like this. To her, Katie was more than a stranger that was placed into their lives. But rather, she was family.

"Katie…" Natasha started, a sad look in her eyes, "You're not a stranger to us. You're family. You're our kid, and that’s never going to change.”

Katie looked away from the woman, looking down at her hands instead. "If I'm really your kid, then why do I still feel like a stranger in this house?" Katie asked quietly, her tone shaky.

Natasha was heartbroken more and more with every word that left the teen’s mouth. She never wanted Katie to feel like a stranger in their home, and now she’s finding out that the girl does from their constant bickering.

"Katie.. you are not a stranger in this home. You've never been." Natasha started “You-"

Just then, Bucky emerged from the hallway, stopping when he saw the two.

Bucky, who had now cooled down after a few minutes, realized the conversation between the two was getting pretty deep and emotional.

"Bad time?" He questioned awkwardly, a sheepish look on his face.

Natasha shot a look at him, a look that could almost say "shut up for a moment", and she continued her conversation with Katie.

"You have always belonged here. In this house and with us." Natasha said firmly, looking back at Katie whose gaze was still on the floor.

Katie was trying to blink away the tears that began to well in her eyes, but when Natasha continued, they began to fall.

"We wouldn't have adopted you if we saw you as a stranger. We love you, you are our kid."

When Bucky heard those last few words, he suddenly felt guilty about his previous outburst earlier.

Natasha slowly and carefully approached Katie who was now crying silently. She gently wrapped her arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug.

"You are our daughter, our kid, our family." Natasha whispered.

The next day

It was early in the morning. The sun had just started to rise, the sky being painted a beautiful shade of pink as sunlight slowly began to shine through the windows in Katie room. Though, it didn’t wake her up.

Natasha knocked on her door gently “Hey Katie, wake up. You’re gonna be late for school.”

When there wasn’t a response from Katie, Natasha slowly poked her head in the doorway. She noticed the girl’s form was still lying in bed, the blankets wrapped around her.

“Katie..?” She gently called out once again “It’s time to wake up dear.”

Natasha walked into the room hesitantly, her eyes falling onto the girls phone on her bed. She picked it up carefully, taking a glance at the screen and seeing it was on Instagram and her eyes widened.

"Bucky!!" she yelled.

Bucky came out from his and Natasha's room, a look of worry on his face. "What? What happened??"

"I need you to look at this." Natasha replied sternly, walking over to him with her phone.

She showed him the phone screen, the Instagram app opened and showing multiple comments. None of them were very pleasant at all.

Bucky looked down at the screen, reading over each comment. His eyes darkened the more he read. Whoever was bullying his kid, was in big trouble.

"Is Katie still asleep?" He questioned, his gaze shifting to the girl who was still peacefully sleeping in her bed.

"Yeah, I tried to get her up but she won't budge." Natsha answered, her eyes still on Katie. "I think after yesterday, she really doesn't want to go to school. Ima call Yelena over to watch her so we could go to the school and deal with this."

Bucky nodded silently, his eyes still on the girl. He knew that yesterday was a lot for her and now adding the comments she's been receiving and the fact that she was now refusing to go to school, it was not good.

"Alright.. we should be quick though. She needs us."

"I know.." Nat responded quietly before dialing Yelena's number on her own phone. She placed a comforting hand on Bucky's shoulder before placing the phone up to her ear.

Yelena picked up quickly, a loud screech coming from the other side of the phone.

“Natasha! Oh my god, you will not believe this one time when I-”

“Yelena.”

“Oh. Right.”

Yelena could tell from the tone of Natasha’s voice that the situation was serious, and she immediately dropped her excited tone. “What's wrong?”

“We need you come here and watch Katie..” Natasha replied, her eyes still on Bucky.

Yelena was silent for a moment before speaking. “Did something happen? Is Katie ok?”

There was a moment of silence from Natasha as she let out a quiet sigh. “Physically she’s fine.. mentally though..” Natasha started quietly, “she’s not doing well. We’re gonna go to the school cause she’s being bullied. And after yesterday.. yeah.”

Yelena went silent again, absorbing the words Natasha said. "Someone's messing with my own niece?"

"Unfortunately," Natasha responded, a sad look in her eyes. "We're going to go to the school and deal with it, I just need you to watch her because I don't want her to be alone."

"Of course. I'll be there in a few." Yelena replied before hanging up the phone.

Bucky took deep breath as he ran a hand through his hair anxiously. He hated seeing Katie upset and unhappy, and the thought that she was being bullied on top of their argument from last night filled him with a type of anger he couldn’t describe. He knew they need to deal with it fast.

"Nat.. " Bucky started quietly, looking over at Natasha who still had a worried look on her face, “if I'm too rough with the people who've been bullying Katie.. just stop me."

Natasha gave Bucky a nod, her eyes locked with his. "Of course, but be careful with your strength James."

“I will.” Bucky replied with a firm nod.

Suddenly, a knock was heard from the front door followed by a voice. “Natasha! Bucky! I’m here!”

Natasha immediately went to the front door to let Yelena in, a small look of relief on her face as she did.

Yelena stepped into the apartment, a look of worry and anger on her face as well. She immediately noticed how the atmosphere changed when she entered.

“Where’s Katie?” She asked quietly, shutting the door behind her.

"In her room." Bucky stated, his voice sounding tight as he spoke. "She's still asleep. We're about to go deal with this whole thing.”

Yelena nodded firmly. “Good.. whoever’s been messing with my niece needs to get their ass kicked.”

“They’ll get much more than an ass kicking.” Bucky said lowly, crossing his arms over his chest and his jaw clenching.

Yelena looked over at Bucky, her eyes slightly wide at his tone. She hasn’t been there to see the whole thing but judging by how Bucky was acting, it was bad.

Natasha seemed to noticed the look Yelena was giving Bucky and looked over at him as well. “James..” she started “Calm down.”

Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

“Sorry..” he mumbled as he opened his eyes again “It’s just.. the things I read on her phone, Nat, it was awful. And I’m going to make sure whoever did it gets every damn ounce of payback.”

Natasha gave him a nod, a sad look in her eyes. “I know, but I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

Yelena then stepped in, crossing her arms over her chest. “Nat’s right. You going absolutely ham on the poor souls might seem a little over kill.”

Bucky looked over at Yelena, a glare in his eyes “Oh I don’t think it’s over kill. I think it’s what they deserve.”

Natasha gave him a sharp look, her eyes slightly narrowed. “James.. we don’t know everything that's going on. We do this in a smart and calm manner.”

Bucky let out a quiet huff of frustration before biting his tongue. He knew Natasha was right. This needed to be done as smoothly and as calmly as possible. Otherwise it wouldn’t get any better.

“Fine. I’ll.. I’ll calm down. I won’t do anything stupid.” He replied.

“Good.” Natasha responded firmly, giving the man a nod.

Natasha turned her attention back to Yelena, her expression growing serious again. “We won’t be long at the school. Katie might be up by the time we’re back.”

Yelena nodded in understanding, her features growing a bit stern. “Alright. Go deal with this.”

. . .

Bucky and Natasha made their way inside the school with a determined and stern expression. The school building itself was fairly big. There were a few students walking around, mostly heading to class.

Bucky looked around the hallway, his eyes scanning the place. He was trying to figure out where the principal’s office was.

Natasha, who was currently walking beside him, noticed this and placed a hand on his shoulder, catching his attention. “Office is that way.” She pointed down one hallway.

Bucky nodded silently, his eyes still glancing around. “Got it.”

They started to make their way towards the office. Students who passed by them either just simply minded their own business and kept walking, or they glanced at the two and gave the couple a look of both fear and awe.

Bucky and Natasha didn’t pay them any mind. They had a mission.

Soon they arrived at the large office doors. Bucky put a hand on one of the door’s handle and opened it without knocking, walking in followed by Natasha.

When they entered, the secretary sitting by the front desk immediately looked up, her eyes growing wide as she saw the two.

“C-can I help you?” she stuttered out, clearly intimidated by their presence as she sat up a bit straighter in her chair.

“Yes, we’d like to see the principal please.” Natasha responded in a firm yet polite tone, her eyes scanning the woman in front of her.

The secretary was silent for a moment, visibly gulping before nodding quickly and pointing to the door on the other side of the small waiting area.

“P-principal is through there. Second door to the left.” she said quietly.

Bucky and Natasha both nodded, giving the woman a silent thank-you before walking towards the door and opening it.

They walked inside the principal’s office, closing the door behind them. The principal, a middle-aged man whose nameplate on his desk read “Mr. Johnson”, looked up at them with mild surprise.

“Hello, how can I help-“ he started to say before he cut himself off, clearly recognizing the two who just walked into his office.

His eyes widened a bit in surprise and a hint of slight fear. “Mr. and Mrs. Barnes. My, this a surprise. What brings you two here?”

Both Bucky and Natasha kept their expressions serious as they stood in front of the man’s desk. It was quiet for a moment, the atmosphere in the office growing tense before Bucky spoke up.

“We’re here because we need to discuss something about our daughter.”

Mr. Johnson’s eyes widened a bit further, clearly not expecting the two avengers to be having any problems. He quickly composed himself before sitting up a bit in his seat.

“Very well, what seems to be the problem?” he questioned, his expression growing a bit serious.

Natasha clenched her jaw slightly as she tried to keep her temper under control.

“I think you already know the problem, sir.” she spoke, her tone growing a bit sharp.

Mr. Johnson’s expression turned to one of mild confusion. “I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking abou-“ he started to speak before Bucky cut him off.

“Cut the bullshit. We know those bastard students and teachers have been bullying our kid.” Bucky said firmly, his voice low and cold.

Mr. Johnson was completely silent for a few moments, clearly caught off guard with Bucky's words and tone.

He tried to start up a response, “…I.. I’m sure you’re mistaken-”

“Do we look like we’re mistaken?” Natasha cut him off, her expression now stern.

Mr. Johnson quickly shut up, looking between the two, both were basically glaring right at him. He could see that there was no room to lie or argue this matter.

Bucky took another step forward, his hands clenching into fists at his side, “You’re seriously gonna sit there and act like you haven’t noticed the students and staff treating our daughter like she’s just some charity case, mocking her name, picking on her, insulting her-“

Natasha placed another hand on his shoulder as a silent gesture to try to keep him calm.

Mr. Johnson was watching Bucky's expression, his words, and his body language. He was clearly not pleased with what he was hearing.

“Alright.. look, Mr. Barnes, Mrs. Barnes, I promise I’ll look into this matter. I-”

Natasha interrupted him with a sigh, her patience running a bit thin. “With all due respect sir, we would like this to be dealt with now. Not a week or two weeks from now.”

Mr. Johnson quickly snapped his mouth shut after hearing Natasha's words, swallowing the lump in his throat silently.

He was quiet for a moment, thinking over what to do. He obviously didn’t want to deal with the two powerful Avengers in front of him.

“Well-“ he started, “-there really isn’t much I can do. There’s a protocol-“

Bucky scoffed and gave the man a cold look, “Screw the protocol.”

Mr. Johnson shut his mouth and didn’t speak for a few moments, Bucky’s words clearly intimidating him further.

He then spoke up in a quiet voice, “I promise I’ll get this matter solved as soon as I can-“

Natasha let out a loud scoff, her patience running thin. “We don’t want it ‘solved as soon as you can.’ We want it solved, period. Today.”

Mr. johnson could tell there was no arguing against the two. He held eye contact with them for a few moments longer before slumping his shoulders and letting out a defeated sigh.

“Very well, I’ll have a meeting with the problematic students’ parents as well as the teachers who have been.. mistreating your daughter. And I’ll handle the whole situation from there.”

Bucky and Natasha were quiet, their expressions still stern as they kept eye contact with the man. They needed to make sure he wasn’t bullshiting, that he wouldn’t just lie about what he just said.

Mr. Johnson began to feel uncomfortable under their gaze and broke eye contact, looking down at his desk.

“May I ask…” he started quietly, pausing for a moment, “What exactly is the full extent of this ‘mistreatment’?”

Bucky gritted his teeth a bit in anger before speaking in a low tone, “Well, she’s been getting called nasty names and insults. They’ve been making her feel bad and outcasted. They’ve been mocking her physical features and just her in general.”

Natasha glanced over at Bucky before looking back at the man, “Not to mention the teachers who’ve been calling her ‘a charity case’.”

"Well, she is from the baddest group in the world. Hydra." Mr. Johnson said.

Bucky’s eyes instantly went cold at the man’s words. Suddenly, his hands clenched into tight fists at his side, his shoulders and back going tense.

“What did you say?” he asked lowly.

Mr. Johnson was immediately caught off guard with the man’s shift in expression and tone. He tensed a bit, a bit of nervousness filling him.

“Well, your daughter is from Hydra-“ he started.

Bucky cut him off with a deep glare before he could finish, “I heard what you said.” he started, taking a step forward and leaning forward a bit to look down at the man, “But I’m going to repeat my question. What. Did. You. Say?”

Mr. Johnson tensed up further, a look of slight fear in his eyes as he replied, “S-she’s from the organization Hydra..”

Bucky’s entire body went rigid, his jaw clenching tight. It took a lot for him to keep himself composed.

Natasha noticed this and quickly placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him, despite her own expression growing cold and stoic.

“She’s not ‘from Hydra’.” Bucky said firmly, his eyes narrowing at the principal. “She’s a victim of Hydra, so don’t you dare try to associate her with those bastards.”

Mr. Johnson was silent for a few moments, looking back and forth between the two. He was clearly caught off guard with Bucky’s harsh tone and words.

He quickly collected himself and tried to speak, “Yes.. o-of course, I didn’t mean it that way..”

Natasha narrowed her eyes further. The principal’s choice of words clearly didn’t help the situation and only made Bucky’s anger worse.

Bucky’s glare hardened at the man’s response, his face turning a bit red.

“If it weren’t illegal I’d knock your damn teeth out.” he said lowly, taking another step forward.

Natasha clenched her jaw. She could tell that Bucky was getting close to snapping. She placed both hands on his shoulder, trying to calm him.

“Buck..” she said lowly, keeping her voice calm but firm, “Calm down, please.”

Bucky’s expression stayed the same, his hands clenching to the point where his knuckles turned white.

“I am calm.” he snapped lowly, his eyes staying trained on the principal.

Natasha knew he was just lying, but for now she decided to let the situation play out.

“It appears to me you’re not.” Mr. Johnson said quietly, a hint of sarcasm laced in his voice.

That made Bucky’s eyes flash, his expression growing darker. He wanted nothing more than to lunge over the desk and grab that man by his collar.

Natasha gritted her teeth a bit, silently frustrated with how much the situation was escalating.

“Listen here, I will say this again, and you better listen carefully.” Bucky said firmly, taking another step forward, towering over the man.

Mr. Johnson was a bit taken back, looking up at Bucky's deadly expression and cold glare.

“She wasn’t raised by HYDRA, she was a hostage of HYDRA.” Bucky continued, “And if you so much as make another comment like that again, I swear to god -“

Mr. Johnson was speechless, fear filling him. He could see that Bucky was serious. His glare and cold dark eyes made it obvious.

Natasha was watching the scene in front of her. Her heart was starting to pound in her chest. Her expression was still stern, but her chest was tightening with anxiety from seeing Bucky practically seconds away from snapping.

Mr. Johnson grabbed his phone and called security.

Both Bucky and Natasha heard movement out in the hallway. It was security coming.

Natasha quickly put a hand on Bucky’s arm, pulling him back a bit and standing right beside him. “That’s enough Bucky.” she warned lowly, even though she was on the edge herself.

Bucky’s expression was still angry, but he knew that she was right. He stepped back from the desk, his fists still clenched tight.

The security guard came in, looking between the principal and the couple.

Mr. Johnson was holding himself together somewhat, but he was still clearly shaken.

He gave the guard a small nod, silently telling him what he needed to do.

The guard then turned to Bucky and Natasha, “I’m going to have to ask you two to leave.” he said firmly, gesturing to the door.

Mr. Johnson stood up. "I'm sorry, but your daughter deserves it. If you don't like it then she doesn't come here."

Bucky’s eyes instantly became cold when the man spoke.

Natasha clenched her jaw, her expression not showing it but she was seething on the inside.

"Excuse me?" she questioned, her voice growing cold.

Bucky’s body was tense and rigid. It took everything in him not to jump over the desk and beat the principal to a pulp.

Mr. Johnson looked at Natasha, his expression turning to confidence. He was probably getting a kick out of this.

“You heard me. If you don’t want your daughter having to deal with some comments and ‘mistreatment’ as you put it, maybe she shouldn’t come here.” he said, a tone of mockery in his voice.

Bucky let out a low scoff, his jaw clenching tight. He really did not like the man in front of him.

Natasha’s expression grew stern and cold at his words. Her heart was pounding in her chest from anger. She didn’t exactly have the best control over herself when she was angry.

“Are you threatening us?” 

Mr. Johnson leaned forward, a small smirk forming on his face.

“Threaten? No, I’m just giving you a choice.” he started, his voice sarcastic. “Let your daughter continue to be ridiculed and tormented by other students and staff, or don’t bring her here at all.”

By this point, that statement made Bucky practically see red. His fists were clenched so hard his knuckles were white.

Natasha’s hands clenched into tight fists, her nails digging into her skin. She was about to snap herself, but her priority right now was keeping Bucky together.

“Bucky..” she said lowly, trying to get his attention.

However he didn’t hear her. Instead he let out a scoff, his expression growing darker.

“You’re out of your goddamn mind.” he said lowly.

The guards both grabbed Bucky by his arms and grabbed Natasha by her wrists. They forcefully pulled the two out of the room.

Natasha’s face was still stern and cold, but she didn’t offer any protest as she was dragged out.

Bucky, however, was furious. He struggled against the guards pulling him out of the office, his eyes filled with anger.

The guards continued pulling them out, practically having to drag Bucky since he was fighting against the hold they had on him.

“Get your goddamn hands off of me, you assholes.” Bucky growled, still struggling to get out of their grips.

The guards paid no mind to Bucky’s words, continuing to pull him and Natasha towards the front doors, their grips on the two tight.

Natasha was relatively calm, but only because she was focusing on making sure Bucky didn’t snap and attack the guards.

Bucky was fuming at this point. These men were forcefully dragging him and his wife out of a building like they were common criminals.

He continued to struggle against the guards, trying to break free from their grasps without going too far as to attack them. "Nat, they have the serum in them."

Natasha clenched her jaw, her expression turning a bit frustrated. "Don't." she warned lowly, shooting him a firm glare.

She was frustrated too, especially with the fact that she was being escorted out of the building by force, but the last thing they needed was for Bucky to fight the guards. The situation would easily escalate, and he’d most likely get arrested.

. . .

They were both silent during the car ride home. The only exception for Bucky’s low grumbles and muttered curses.

Once home, Bucky parked in the driveway before shutting the jeep off, sitting in the driver's seat in complete silence and clenching the wheel tight.

Natasha was quiet too, her expression stoic but her mind was running at a million miles an hour. Their daughter’s principal was a complete ass bag.

The entire situation was just so stressful. It had all escalated so quickly and neither of them saw it coming.

Natasha then turned to look over at Bucky. He looked pissed.

Bucky was seething. His knuckles were white from how hard he was clenching the steering wheel.

He was struggling to contain his anger. All he could think about was that goddamn principal and how he just told them to either send their daughter to a school where she’d be ridiculed and ostracized, or not at all.

Natasha was about to speak, but Bucky beat her to it.

"I am this close to snapping Nat.” he said lowly, looking at her. “I want to beat that man senseless. That damn principal is lucky I didn’t rip his throat out when I was in that room." Bucky then got out of the jeep.

Natasha’s mouth snapped shut at Bucky’s words. Her expression was a bit surprised.

She followed his lead and climbed out of the jeep, walking up to him as he slammed the door.

"I know you’re pissed, I am too… just.." she started, her voice firm but soft at the same time, "do not do anything stupid."

Bucky’s face stayed stoic, his hands clenching to fists.

"I’m not making any promises.” he said lowly, before walking towards the front door.

Natasha was silently frustrated at his words, but she kept her cool, following behind him and entering the house.

Once they were inside, Bucky shut the door behind them and walked over to Katie's bedroom.

Natasha’s expression was still stern and frustrated, but she followed Bucky silently, standing behind him as he approached their daughter’s bedroom door.

Bucky saw Yelena sitting at Katie's desk.

Yelena looked up from her laptop just as Bucky and Nat walked in. She noted the frustrated expressions on their faces instantly, immediately knowing something was up.

"Is everything okay?" she question, her expression slightly concerned as she shut the laptop closed and turned her chair towards them.

Bucky’s expression stayed blank, his expression cold.

Natasha’s was the same, although she did offer a small tired sigh before she spoke.

"Katie’s principal was an absolute ass today.." she muttered, crossing her arms. "Looks like she's still sleeping."

Yelena's brows furrowed slightly at her words. "What happened?" she asked, rising from her seat and walking over to them.

Bucky was still stoic, his expression showing no hint of emotion.

Natasha sighed, "he basically threatened that we either keep sending Katie to school where she’ll get ridiculed and treated like a black sheep for the rest of the year or don’t send her in at all."

Yelena's expression was one of disbelief at what she had just been told.

"Are you serious?" she questioned, a slight hint of anger in her voice.

Natasha nodded, her expression growing dark.

Bucky just stayed silent, his knuckles clenched tight and white.

Katie shifted in her bed a bit, slowly opening her eyes.

She looked over to the three and instantly knew that they were all upset.

"Mom, dad? ..Aunt Yelena?" she questioned tiredly.

Natasha’s expression softened when she spoke, some of the anger fading just from hearing her voice.

"Hey baby.." she sighed, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. "We're gonna take you out of school. For good."

Katie’s eyes widened in response, her body instantly becoming alert.

"What..? Why?.." she said, sitting herself up and looking at the three of them.

Bucky walked over to her bed and sat on the other side, a stern expression on his face.

"Because the principal is a dumbass and decided to threaten us." he started, his voice stern but gentle, "he pretty much told us to either send you back to that school and allow the other kids to bully and torment you for the rest of the year… or to not send you at all.”

"What.." Katie muttered, her expression a bit shocked. Her heart started pounding in her chest as she was given the two options.

Natasha’s jaw clenched. She didn’t like either of the choices.

Yelena was still standing beside the bed, a slight look of disbelief on her face. "What a prick…" She muttered.

Bucky’s eyes darkened. Anger still bubbled within him.

Natasha sighed in frustration before speaking, “I’m sorry baby..” she started, giving her daughter an apologetic look. “But we aren’t dealing with another year of those kids tormenting you.”

“B-but.. what am I supposed to do then..?” Katie questioned, her eyes filled with worry.

Bucky and Natasha exchanged worried and silent glances between each other. Neither of them knew how to answer the question.

[illyrian-dreamer]

Changing Shadows (Part 4)

Azriel x Reader

Part 3

Rhys and Cassian return home from their mission, but the celebration is cut short when you find out Az has betrayed your trust. Hurtful words are said as you lash out.

Lots of angst with your brother Rhys and Az, of course followed with some fluff.

Image by koike9023

Warnings: Mentions of trauma

Word count: 1,640

Part 4:

∇

Rhys and Cassian returned five days later, tensions in the Illyrian camps proving more difficult than anticipated.

Azriel and you were able to continue mostly-appropriate interactions, the occasional tease or growl-provoking comment had become your new normal. Something you were certain would stop in the face of the rest of your family.

With the rest of the females away, an Illyrian dinner was planned to welcome back the boys. You gathered around the dinner table, Cassian using his steak bones as a sword, retelling how he threatened some Illyrian bastard.

You laughed at his story, and rolled your eyes at his dramatics. You could feel Rhys’s gaze on you throughout the evening.

“And how are you feeling, little sis?” Rhys had asked as Cassian wrapped up his show.

“Much better,” you replied, nonchalantly chewing your food. “All thanks to a magical house and a Shadowsinger who might have considered a career as a healer.”

They all laughed, Az playfully raising his hands in gratitude.

“It seems my orders of house rest might have been sensible?” Rhys teased, so you raised your wine glass to him with an exaggerated smirk. He laughed again before clasping his hands on the table.

“And you’re feeling...,” Rhys paused, it was unlike him to be stuck on words. “...rested enough?”

You stopped chewing your food, and put down your cutlery. You knew immediately.

“You told him,” you accused Azriel, your face pained with the memory of your violent nightmare a few nights earlier.

His gaze matched yours, equally pained. “I had to.”

“Y/N...,” Rhys began.

You ignored your brother. You were furious Rhys knew what happened, but more hurt that Azriel told him after you asked him not to. Your face said it all, a mix of hurt and shattered trust.

“Mother knows that’s my cue,” Cassian murmured before making a break from the room.

Azriel interjected, like he was struggling between two truths. “I was worried about you, Y/N...,” he trailed off. “I’m sworn to protect you at all costs.”

What the hell did that mean?

“I asked one thing of you, Azriel,” you said sadly, tears of frustration threatening to come out.

“As your High Lord and your brother, I wouldn’t have forgiven him if he didn’t tell me Y/N,” Rhys stated plainly.

You shook your head, not wanting to hear it. “It’s no ones business but mine,” you said defensively, tears welling.

“That’s simply not true,” Rhys said calmly. He reached a hand across the table for you, an olive branch. “Why don’t we talk about this in private?”

This is exactly what you were avoiding. The coddling, the condescending care that reminded you that you’re nothing more than Rhys’s fragile younger sister who breaks at the first touch.

So you struck where you knew it would hurt.

“I could not be clearer that I don’t want to talk about it. Just because you didn’t show up in time on that hideous night, does not mean you can undo what was done. Deal with your own guilt.”

Shit. Shit shit shit.

Rhys looked like he had been slapped across the face. Azriel bowed his head in pain, as if he blamed himself for the whole thing.

You breathed heavily, looking down at your shaking hands as if you couldn’t believe your own outburst.

“Rhys, I’m so-”

A rumble of power was felt throughout the house as Rhys raised his palm to stop you talking, his usual cool demeanour stiffened with suppressed emotion. “It’s alright,” he gritted.

It was so not alright. Guilt twinged inside you at the hurt in his eyes as he excused himself to his office to do some work. You watched him stalk out, and before you could turn to Azriel to apologise to him, he was gone too. 

You sat back in your chair, hating yourself.

——

You waited a few hours for your own anger to cool before grabbing a notebook and quill.

Knock knock, you wrote, willing it to Rhys’s office.

No response.

You didn’t want play games, you knew you needed to apologise to your brother properly. But this was the only way you could think to reach him since he had blocked off his office in a 20-feet radius.

If you could please open the wards on your office? I would really love to apologise to your face instead of writing it in notes.

Open, Rhys sent back. Brrr.

He was waiting for you, sitting in his chair with one leg folded over the other. His face pained as much as it was at dinner.

I did that, you thought with an ache in your stomach. After everything he’s done for you.

You slowly walked over to the desk, Rhys’s violet eyes more black as they trailed you. Pausing in front of him, you took a deep breath. 

“I am so, so sorry big brother. It was a cruel and unfair thing to say, and not one part of me believes it.”

He sighed. “I know,” he said with a small, painful smile. “But I can’t help but feel there’s some truth in what you said.”

You reached for his hands and shook your head vigorously. “No, no there’s not,” you said firmly. Tears threatened your eyes again, and you couldn’t stop them. “Please tell me that you know I don’t blame you for that night.”

“If Azriel hadn’t found you in time, Y/N...,” Rhys trailed off, a frown burrowing into his once-again violet eyes.

“But he did. And what happened is no ones fault but those bastards who tried to clip me.”

Rhys nodded. That you could agree on.

He straightened. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect your privacy. I know I often cross the line between High Lord and your brother. Its hard for me to not see you as the young girl you once were, you were so fragile and little when you came to Velaris,” he smiled in memory, raising from his seat.

You hugged your brother tightly as he wrapped his arms around your back. “I just don’t want to disappoint you Rhys,” you admitted. “You have so much faith in me, I want to be strong for you, it’s the least you deserve in a sister.”

Rhys pulled back from the hug, a deep frown on his face as he studied you. “Is that what you think, that you’re not strong?”

You couldn’t meet his eyes. It was true, you weren’t strong, not nearly as much as he, despite all that he sacrificed.

He tucked your head under his chin. “Oh Y/N. If only I could show you just how strong you are.”

“But I-”

“You think nightmares make you weak? Everyone in this family has experienced what you’re going through, being tortured by their own past.”

You didn’t say anything, just listened to his words as he stroked your hair.

“Your trauma does not make you weak. It simply exists in response to what happened to you. Ignoring it does not make you strong, and you don’t have to overcome it to be worthy.”

That... made a lot of sense.

"And I will always be there to help you through it. Even if I have to force my way in,” he chuckled and you laughed with him.

“I love you,” you murmured into his hug.

‘I love you too Y/N,’ he said back, kissing the top of your head.

You would sleep well that night. Now time to find the Shadowsinger.

——

In his true nature, Azriel was brooding on the terrace. You could see the arches of his wings, black against the stars as he leaned against the railing.

His shadows greeted you before he did.

“Az,” you said gently, leaning your back against the railing next to him. Your arms were folded in defence, you needed to apologise but you were still hurt they he betrayed your trust, and did so without telling you.

Azriel’s lips were pressed into a thin line as he looked out at Velaris.

“I’m sorry.” You both apologised at the same time.

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, and he dropped his head in a low chuckle. Gods, his laugh alone shook your knees.

“I’m sorry I came between you and Rhys,” you started. “I would never want to jeopardise the trust you two have.”

He nodded in acknowledgement, but frowned, unable to meet your eyes.

“I should have been honest with you that I told him about your nightmare,” he said quietly.

“Yes,” you agreed simply. You took a deep breath as you unwound your arms across your chest, turning to lean on your elbows just as he did.

His scent enveloped you at this proximity. While neither of you spoke for a moment, the air around you was still, your wings almost touching.

You cocked your head slightly. “What did you mean tonight when you said you were sworn to protect me at all costs?”

While usually the calm and collected male, you noticed his breathing synch. A cool breeze blew over you both, sending goosebumps up your bare arms.

He noticed you shiver, and a protective wing extended around you, shielding you from the cold.

You kept your gaze on him.

He sighed, looking down.

“I will always do what is best for you, Y/N,” he said. “Rhys was checking in during your recovery, I felt it was my duty to report on your physical well-being, as well as your mental.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

He grimaced, uncomfortable with answering the question head on. Your insides burned, as if a rope tugged within you, waiting for his answer.

“I will always protect you,” he whispered. Yes.

“You’re family,” he followed up.

And the rope was gone. You couldn’t understand why it felt like you had fallen face first in the mud.

--------

Part 5 >>

AN: Making up for this cold ending with plenty of heat (and a jealous Az) in the next chapter! ;) If you’d like to join the tag list, drop a comment :)

[bluejaybytes]

I’m curious why you found Inside Out 2 insulting? I recognize that everyone is different, but as someone with an anxiety disorder I personally found it pretty relatable

Throughout my teenage years, when my anxiety was at its most debilitating and my coping skills were basically nonexistent, I was repeatedly met with the idea that "every teen is a bit anxious". This, to an extent, is true, being a teenager IS scary and you're probably going to have some level of anxiety. However, I had an active anxiety disorder. I was prone to frequent panic attacks, skipping school because I couldn't even fathom the idea of going to class out of just sheer intense dread and fear, and all around just having an extremely bad time. I went into the movie with an already decently negative expectation because of that, I didn't like how anxiety was shown to show up ONLY when Riley became a teenager, BUT I was willing to set aside my own distaste of it for the sake of like, I do get why they went the direction of adding new emotions as characters, as much as I disagree with that.

However I found it wildly insulting because I feel the level of intense anxiety Riley is shown to have breaches what I'd consider a "normal" level of anxiety and instead feels more like an anxiety disorder, which, again, it angers me to be once again met with the idea that you only get anxious once you're a teenager, or when signs of much higher levels of anxiety than just normal nervousness are brushed aside with that excuse.

Barring that issue, though that is the biggest in my opinion, basically at every corner I was annoyed by something. This movie felt like it could've been incredibly relatable to me, I was a horrendously anxious teen (Still am anxious just not a teen and also I'm better at coping now) in competitive highschool sports (Yes marching band IS a sport I DO die on this hill), but like... it just continually let me down. The coach is genuinely an asshole, doing things like not showing what the expectations are and then proceeding to single out who she knows are the newcomers as breaking rules that had not been properly established, failing to recognize Riley clearly struggling mentally, and honestly, the biggest sin, fucking letting her in the sport at all. Riley's outburst at the other players should've gotten her taken out of the running entirely, I refuse to believe otherwise.

Which, this is kind of all over the place because I'm not really writing this as a full proper breakdown and more just "Jay angrily rambles to an anon with no direction", but hey, SUPER don't like that Riley's over-practicing isn't really called out at all as being harmful. The ROOT of it is, we know she's only doing that because anxiety is driving her to do that, but like... she performs really well. She's met by the older student (I forget her name, God) with positivity for this, and I'm personally just kind of uncomfortable with how her overworking herself is viewed as just like... neutral. And it's only the fact it's stemming from anxiety that's bad.

There's a lot more (I found the pacing bad, I think, ESPECIALLY given that this is a childrens movie, Riley should've been given EXPLICIT help from the people around her barring just "her friends say they're still friends", I think things like anxiety driving her to look at the notebook yet NOT considering the janitor walking by is just... stupid, and in my experience, not at all how anxiety manifests, ect, ect), but ultimately this is not like, a serious breakdown, more just me listing off the top of my head the things that really fucking annoyed me. Also, Ennui was a stupid character. I mean all of the new emotions were fucking stupid because they're all VERY derivative of OTHER emotions if you've made the commitment that the entire range of human emotion be boiled down to just joy/sadness/anger/fear/disgust, but whatever.

I thought the video game guy was funny though. I'm a sucker for those kinds of jokes. I like that his hair routinely was clipping through his outfit

[nowandthane]

7 snippets, 7 people

thank you @vakariansvixenand @stormikins for tagging me!! <3<3<3

no pressure tagging @xoshepard @poetikat @sweetmage (feel free to not read this it's all mass effect jsdhfg) @illusivesoul @westernlarch @sillyliterature @mxanigel @menacingmetal @grim-starling

These are all gonna be from Sarani's longfic because I'm not writing anything else atm. Mostly rough and unedited too so beware xD

cw for suicidal ideation in the last two

She turned to look at him, shocked at the outburst. His eyes were wet with tears that stubbornly refused to fall. He glared back at her, as if challenging her to defy him. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought that she really should. This was insubordination. But she felt so relieved that someone else was making the decisions that she just relented, turning to look back out into space in silence.

“How could I have left him behind?” she whispered, long minutes later. Her face was wet. Joker was quiet for long enough that she stopped expecting an answer — what could he have said, anyway? But he did answer.

“You were doing your job, Commander. I… I’m sorry.” And he really did sound sorry for her.

“This job fucking sucks.”

-

Finch sneered. “I can find a dozen Reds who’ll swear they saw you kill aliens for fun. Who’s going to believe you then?”

His grey eyes caught hers, and held them steadily. The world slowed down as she seriously considered whether he really did know. Even without proof, anyone who had known her then could put two and two together and figure out what she did — no one else could have done it. But no one ever cared before.

Now it was something they could use against her. And they were threatening to.

Was that was he was doing? His words saying one thing, but meaning another?

I know you killed her, but I won’t say it in front of them. As long as you do what I say, no one else will ever know.

Was that what was behind his words?

The image of her, of Nazia, crying and begging Shepard for forgiveness intruded on her mind. Her screams echoed in Shepard’s ears, her blood sticky on Shepard’s hands.

-

“Do you compare yourself to your old Captain a lot?” Garrus asked.

“Not really. Not anymore.” Shepard shook off the thoughts rattling in her head. “I know I have a screwed up moral compass. That’s just a result of my ‘upbringing’. But I don’t let that turn me into monster. I don’t want to cross any more lines, but I keep stumbling over them anyway.”

Garrus looked at her, his thoughts and emotions inscrutable. She was getting better with reading turians, but he seemed closed off to her at this moment. Silence became heavy in the air, and she did nothing to break it.

“I wonder…” Garrus finally mused, “if I killed Saren, would I be struggling with it now as you are about Finch? I don’t know what the answer to that is, and that — that kind of scares me. Am I a monster, Shepard?”

“No, Garrus.” She smiled at him a little sadly. “You’re not a monster.”

“Yet,” he said. “Don’t you ever think that it takes a monster to stop a monster?”

“Sometimes,” she answered. “Mostly, it feels like an excuse.”

Garrus nodded. “Why did you get so angry when he called you by your name?”

-

“How about a new name?”

“What’s wrong with Shepard?”

“No, not that. Don’t you want to change Jane?”

“What’s wrong with Jane?” She frowned.

“Well clearly the orphanage just named you that because they couldn’t be fucked to actually care about you. Don’t you want a name more fitting for who you are?”

“I don’t want any connection to the people who threw me away like I was trash,” she said curtly.

“It’s not about your parents,” Nazia insisted. “They suck, but you have a whole culture that you come from.”

“I know nothing about it.”

“So? Don’t you want to reclaim it?”

“Well, you clearly want me to.”

“Just think about it. It can be like… like a new start for you!”

Considering it. Maybe it is better, to have a new name, one untainted by the dirtiness of her beginning. And if Nazia was the one renaming her, so much the better. She was the one who made Shepard feel like a human. And if this was important to Zi, then it was important to her.

-

“You think you know me so well?” she asked, sneering. She regretted it almost immediately when the animation that had taken hold of Garrus abruptly left him. He had seemed more alive for a brief moment there, much more like the angrily passionate man who had argued with his superior at the Presidium, or the one in Dr. Michel’s clinic, ready to take on a group of thugs alone.

As his commanding officer, it didn’t feel good to have made one of her own people feel so small. But even outside of that, she felt bad because she did think he was a good person, just misguided. And this conversation they’d just had was their first real one. They had been getting to know each other.

He was turning to leave when she said, “Wait. I’m sorry.”

He turned back to her, expectant, but now that the apology had come out of her mouth, she floundered for what else to say.

“I was trying to compliment you,” Garrus pointed out, breaking the awkward silence. “Didn’t think you’d take it so badly.”

-

“Do you still want to die?” Shepard asked.

“Do you?” Thane returned.

She had to turn away. “Sometimes.”

Leaning against the viewing window, she turned her gaze on the drive core below — pulsing, powerful, dangerous. Peripherally, she noticed Thane standing and coming to her on silent feet, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

“I don’t.” His presence behind her felt like a weight she couldn’t shake off. “I agreed with you, once. That perhaps those of us who have died should stay dead.”

“You never really died,” she said.

“In all the ways that matter, I did.” He touched her shoulder, so softly that she barely felt it, except that there was no atom of her existence that could ever be unaware of him. “Will you not look at me, siha?”

-

The dream begins as it always does: with the fall. Falling through the nothingness of space, the alarms in her armour chiming as she gasped desperately for oxygen. There is a breach somewhere. Probably around her torso, where pain and warmth radiated.

She flailed helplessly, heat and hurt building. But it never did reach an unbearable point. They faded away as she fell, and with them went the burdens she carried. Her legs stopped kicking and her arms stopped reaching. She fell looking at the vastness of space, that blanket of mystery she had watched so often when she was stuck on Earth, so determined to get away.

And she did. The choices she was presented with had been unacceptable to her, and so she had found another way. She became more — made herself more. She had explored the galaxy, helped people, saved lives… She’d made a difference.

For better, not worse.

When she lost consciousness, it was without pain. Without worries. Peace was not something she had ever been familiar with, but she learned what it meant, right there at the end.

If only it really was the end.

[starsinkpop]

ATEEZ Jeong Yunho Tarot Reading - Future Spouse

Disclaimer: I do tarot readings for fun, so please read them with a grain of salt. Don’t take my words too seriously and just keep an open mind. Tarot is a divination tool that can’t predict the future, as every single individual has their own will and makes their own decisions. Tarot should be seen as a guidance and a good friend that just has your best interest and gives you advice when needed. I’m not putting anyone in my readings on a pedestal nor am I trying to harm anyone. One last side note, I’m not a native speaker, so please excuse any wrong spellings or poor grammar.

Date of Reading: October 10th 2023

Decks: Ethereal Visions Tarot, Wild Mystic Oracle, Dreamscape Oracle, Romance Angel Oracle, Love Oracle, island time wellness love Oracle, Angel Answers Oracle Cards

Six of Cups, XXII The Well, Eight of Wands, XVI The Tower, Eight of Cups, Six of Wands

his fs could be someone he knows from the past, maybe they’ve been friends in kindergarten or early school days

could also be just someone he had a connection with in a past life

definitely someone who has a pure, almost innocent side to them

very playful and carefree aura most of the time

they bring a lot of joy into Yunho’s life

pretty artistic, could even be famous for their art

they maybe work as an architect or have some type of obsession with buildings

definitely well known and well respected in their working field but also amongst friends and family because they’re extremely ambitious

success always finds a way to his fs

they’re a very nurturing personality who love to take care of others as well

a natural leader

hard to say if they’re introverted or extroverted - maybe somewhere in between

it’s someone who constantly seeks new knowledge in a way

because their brain needs permanent stimulation to be happy and satisfied

great communicators

but will know when to keep quiet

I also feel like this is someone you can sit together with in silence without it being weird

they are very well balanced, can be chaotic when they want to but also very collected and calm when needed

probably avoid conflict

they maybe reject Yunho a few times before properly dating him

but not necessarily because they don’t like him or anything, it’s more like they want to enjoy the single life first and really want to focus themself and on having fun

they respect boundaries and will always make sure that their loved have boundaries and don’t just get run over by others

they’re very emotional and empathic

but they sometimes have emotional outbursts, this mainly happens when they’re very stressed

they’re generous with their love and time

it’s someone with a genuine heart

they love changes since they could get easily bored

will constantly reconstruct their life until they’re fully satisfied (which is never tbh)

they have no problem leaving behind what doesn’t serve them anymore

they love to workout and are very active

could maybe be into extreme stuff like bungee jumping or something like that

at times they’re easily confused

daydreamers, they need to let their mind drift away from reality sometimes

they have a hard time settling down in one place

loves to travel

they don’t like to ask others for help, a very independent individual

could have dark hair and there’s something about shoulders, like they have very pretty shoulders

have a confident aura, which is attracting many people

I see a lot of passion in this connection, but they’re generally someone very passionate

they’re very sensual

Yunho and his fs actually have an insane chemistry

lots of romantic feelings in this connection and they most likely will have kids together (probably two)

they’re tall but smaller than him and maybe on the slimmer side

Love,

~Nicky 🫧

Masterlist

[dear-wormwoods]

Okay, I have 2 questions for you: 1) What do you think about people who say that if Cartman became abusive with Heidi it was Kyle just because he openly suggests that he would use Troll Trace to reveal Cartman's bigoted past and send the information to Heidi and because he only helped Heidi because he was in love ( honestly it's just make my blood boil) and 2) What do you think about Kitty Monk's video " Are Cartman and Kyle the same person? "

Ps. I'm happy that I'm not the only one who adore Kyle and thinks Rabbi Cartman was and awful person.

I’ll be honest anon, I kept putting off answering this because I wanted to actually watch the video you mentioned so I could properly give you thoughts on it but I truly do not have the time or energy to watch it. I’m assuming the whole video is about making Kyle’s actions out to be more terrible while downplaying Cartman’s so as to put them on ‘even ground’ and I’m simply not here for that kind of content. If I’m wrong, please let me know!

To answer the question the title poses: no, they are not the same person. At all.

Kyle has a conscience, which sets him apart from Cartman for obvious reasons. He feels bad when he does something wrong. He worries about how his actions affect other people. He even worries about and feels bad for Cartman, despite being the one person who really should get a free pass to not give a shit about him. He’s a dick in the same way a lot of kids are dicks, and that really isn’t comparable to Cartman’s behavior and total lack of remorse.

I imagine people who follow the ‘same person’ line of thinking would say things like “well Kyle laughed at Cartman getting HIV so Cartman was just teaching him a lesson, just like how Kyle tried teaching Cartman a lesson by making him ginger” or “Kyle blew up Toronto so he’s probably killed more people than Cartman ever did with Cthulhu.”

To those points I would say - Cartman’s reaction to Kyle laughing was disproportionate and to suggest otherwise or downplay the seriousness of intentionally giving someone HIV as ‘payback’ is ridiculous. Kyle was laughing at the irony of the person who constantly jokes about him getting AIDS being the one to end up getting it, and he clearly knew he was wrong to laugh about it which was why he excused himself so he wouldn’t do it in front of Cartman. It was a gut reaction that he knew was socially unacceptable. Cartman was completely out of line in his response by doing something which, as far as he knew at the time, would cause permanent damage to Kyle. The difference between that and the ginger thing is twofold: Kyle wasn’t really reacting to Cartman’s bigotry on behalf of himself, he was trying to come to the defense of actual Ginger kids who were now being bullied by other kids because of what Cartman was saying. He wanted to show Cartman what it was like to be on the other side of things for once. Kyle wasn’t motivated by selfishness or revenge. The other difference is that dying Cartman’s hair etc wasn’t permanent. He did not forever alter Cartman’s body or intentionally make him sick, he and the other kids made surface level, temporary changes. This is not equivalent to giving someone HIV - obviously.

The other thing… well, I’ll preface this by saying I don’t think that the Canada thing was handled well by the show. It did not really deal with the aftermath and how it weighed on Kyle’s conscience other than the two second scene where Ike tells him to stop being a victim. But I also understand that it’s difficult to like, reconcile that kind of devastation for a character who is so overcome by guilt that he wants to die over toilet papering someone’s house. Here’s the thing though, Kyle isn’t directly responsible for what happened. He feels responsible and it makes sense why he does, because it was his own emotional outburst that ultimately ‘swayed’ Garrison, but I truly don’t think he meant for that to happen. He was speaking from a place of hurt and trauma, after not feeling heard by his friends and supposedly safe adults, and finally, the wrong person listened to him. Garrison already had a vendetta against Canadians - he was itching to do something drastic. Ultimately it’s HIS fault. Compare this to Cartman using Cthulhu to knowingly and intentionally destroy San Francisco, who knows how many synagogues, etc… it’s not the same. Cartman knows what he’s doing, and he doesn’t care about how it impacts others. Kyle cares about the natural consequences of his actions, even the indirect ones.

I’m not sure if those points were even in the video but those are what came to my head. Ultimately, Kyle’s conscience will never allow him to be ‘the same person’ as Cartman. Suggesting that they’re on the same level is, I think, fundamentally misunderstanding both the characters and their relationship with each other.

As for Heidi, I’ve never heard anyone say it’s Kyle’s fault Cartman became abusive, but I’m not surprised it’s been said. Some people will just say anything to villainize Kyle and make Cartman more sympathetic. It sounds like something Cartman himself would say, or any other abuser - “oh, I only hurt you because of x y and z”. It’s removing accountability from Cartman, which is… insane to me. Maybe Kyle’s threat put pressure on Cartman, but it didn’t CAUSE him to become abusive. He was always going to become abusive. It’s just who he is. That’s like saying Butters caused Cartman to become abusive by laughing at Heidi’s jokes. Or saying it’s Heidi’s fault for expecting Cartman to put effort into their relationship and talk to her more. It’s gross. Cartman is responsible for his OWN jealousy and paranoia and whatever else contributed to the way his relationship with Heidi played out. Saying otherwise goes against one of the messages of the whole season - Cartman deflecting and placing blame on everyone else and victimizing himself was an abuse tactic in itself. Heidi saw herself going down that same road and chose to break the cycle and take responsibility for herself. People need to hold Cartman responsible for his own decisions, words, and actions.

When it comes to Kyle’s relationship to Heidi, I don’t even think he liked her let alone loved her. I think he helped her because he felt bad for her, could see that Cartman was abusing her, and knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of Cartman’s abuse. He didn’t even think he liked her at all until the girls told him he did, and it was easier for him to go along with that than to grapple with the complicated dynamic he has with Cartman. I do not think Kyle’s intention to help Heidi was selfish at all. It wasn’t about taking away Cartman’s girlfriend and making her like him instead. It was about helping someone he could tell was suffering.

Sorry this took so long to respond to! I’d be interested to know what points that video made but I’ll probably never watch it.

[canonizzyhours]

I binged the first season maybe a week after it was done airing and I looked up fan discussions right after that. As far as I remember a lot of it was pretty chill, people gushing about the show, thinking Izzy was a fun antagonist to dislike, and anxiously waiting for a renewal. I did notice that saying you loved Izzy was somewhat of an unpopular opinion but if there was backlash about it I wasn’t aware of it. I loved to hate him, we needed a guy like him on this show. Then I just moved on with my life to obsess over other hyperfixations until the trailer for season 2 came out.

Coming back to the fandom was weird to say the least, like stepping in another dimension. Suddenly not loving Izzy and not thinking he was the best was not only an unpopular opinion but you’d get shit for it? I was lurking, sometimes commenting, on reddit during season 2 and it always felt like it was a minefield when you wanted to comment even a little negatively on Izzy’s arc during season 2, and that you almost had to preface that you didn’t excuse Ed’s actions just so you could share an opinion on Izzy and hope not get downvoted to hell and be accused of supporting domestic abuse. It’s wild to me. I felt everything else could be talked about, but Izzy was such a sore subject if your review of him was not glowing praise for some reason?

I’d say the majority of people had nuanced views but some Izzy fans were so loud that they made the place… not a safe space ship. To me it was at least, I felt unsafe to say what I really thought because I participate in fandom for nuanced and civil discussions, not to get into a fight over Izzy of all people. I want peace not a migraine. It was like walking on eggshells not wanting to upset the Izzy fans over there, and it got progressively worse throughout the season. It was exhausting to have to be mindful of their emotional states all of the time. I can be sympathetic to a degree but I’m not here to manage the emotional outbursts of people I don’t even know the face of. I loved season 2 but a lot of them sucked the joy from it for a while with their rants over Izzy’s death. I still lurk over there once in a while and it’s gotten better in the months following the finale despite the occasional Izzy is not really dead posts, but man, I feel burnt out.

Tumblr isn’t much better but at least I’ve curated my feed well enough to not see much of it and it’s a relief honestly.

Thank you for letting me rant a little! (Merry Christmas for those whole celebrate!)

#164.

[reidoulaa]

Everything will be okay

Pairing: dad!reid x daughter!reader

Summary: After Emily died Y/N had a hard time dealing with it. Her behavior had changed so Spencer decided to talk to her to find out why. He never imagined the conversation that followed.

Characters: Spencer Reid, Y/N Reid, mentions of the team, a little JJ, mentions of Emily Prentiss

Warnings: angst, some swearing and fighting,

Author’s note: I wrote this like 3 years ago and I decided to post it because why not:)I have taken I think two phrases from another fanfiction but I really can’t find it. also english isn’t my first language<3

Word count: 1,5K

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“She never made it off the table” JJ said. These seven words were enough to break the team. Morgan had to be strong and hugged Garcia who was crying. Rossi and Seaver couldn’t believe it. Hotch was sad from the decision he had to make which would affect the whole team but it was the right thing to do. JJ was tearing up and Reid tried to walk away.

“Spence…” JJ said.

“I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye” he said.

“Come here” And then JJ hugged Spencer who cried in her arms.

Lastly, was Y/N who was trying to process the information. Y/N and Emily were close, really close. Emily was like a mother to Y/N as her mother had died many years ago. She was also her best friend and Y/N trusted her with her life.

Y/N wanted to cry but she wanted her personal space to be vulnerable so she excused herself and went to the bathroom. As soon as she closed the door behind her all the emotions came to the surface. Anger about Doyle, guilt because she wasn’t able to help her, not that she could do anything as she was only 15 years old but still, and lastly pain. Pain was an emotion she had felt many times, when her mother died and every time Spencer was hurt. She fell to the floor with her back at the wall.

She was crying for almost 20 minutes which exhausted her and she didn’t notice that JJ had come in. JJ had to touch her shoulder to draw her attention.

“Shh…come here” JJ said and Y/N obliged. As she hugged her, Y/N started crying even harder to the point she couldn’t catch her breath. JJ was trying to calm her down but didn’t succeed it.

“Please Y/N, breath…you’re hyperventilating right now” JJ panicked.

“I…I can’t, I can’t…” Y/N was ready to pass out so JJ texted Spencer to come and help her.

As soon as Spencer read the text, he went immediately to the bathroom. When he opened the door the scene broke his heart even more. He saw a scared JJ holding a crying Y/N. He ran to JJ and took his daughter and held her in his chest.

“Can you get out please? We’ll be out in a sec” Spencer asked JJ who nodded and got out.

“Please listen to my breathing and feel my heartbeat Y/N. I’m here…Shh…” Y/N tried to match her breathing with his and she tried to focus to his heartbeat.

After 10 minutes her loud sobs became silent tears and her breathing had returned back to normal. That’s when they went back to the waiting room and found the others. Nobody spoke as they didn’t know what to say or how they are going to deal with this. They all returned home and Y/N went straight to her bedroom. She started crying again as soon as her head fell on the pillow. She cried until she fell asleep.

-7 months time skip-

Spencer was really concerned about Y/N as she was acting weird lately. She had some outbursts at school and at home. So he decided to tell her to come to the BAU and talk about it.

And there they were, sitting in the break room waiting for the other to talk. “Are you going to explain why are you acting weird lately?”, Spencer said. Y/N stayed quiet and didn’t make eye contact. Spencer was trying to make her open up but he was failing miserably.

“I know I have been working a lot the last couple of weeks but I don’t think that’s the only reason, right?”. Y/N just crossed her hands and looked at him. “ Please talk to me”, Spencer begged his daughter.

Y/N tried to speak calmly but didn’t succeed it. “I’m literally an open book and you are a fucking profiler and genius so try to figure out what the fuck is wrong”. She was on the verge of tears.

“What are you trying to say? And mind your language!”

“Think why I’m acting weird. What may have happened?”

“I don’t know. Something at school?”, Spencer tried to think as hard as he could.

“Not even close. If you don’t understand it that means you don’t know what the fuck I’m going through”. Y/N finally let some tears fall.

“Come on, drop the attitude and just tell me. You are never like this. You were always sweet and caring”

“Oh really? Do I? And for your information, people change and turn heartless when they once cared too much so yes, I fucking changed!”

After that, they both stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. Spencer was thinking ways to approach her. He was a genius when it came to history, crimes or statistics but he had no idea what to do. On the other hand, Y/N wasn’t trusting her voice anymore so she stayed quiet, taking deep breaths.

“Okay…I know I have been distant lately but since Emily died…”

“I know and that’s the problem, dad. You aren’t the only one who’s grieving Emily’s death. Em and I were close too. She was like my sister and my best friend. Some things I’ve told Emily, I haven’t told them to my best friends from school because I don’t trust them as much as I trusted her. I lost a friend too. The only difference between you and me is that you have the team and I have to deal with it alone and as you can see I’ve failed terribly at doing so”. Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence.

Spencer couldn’t believe it. He was so into his own grief that he didn’t see that his daughter was struggling and that had a huge effect in her life. Sure the team was devastated but at least they had one another. Y/N was alone and she didn’t say a word.

“Do you want to discuss it? I’m worried about your mental health.”

Y/N decided that it was time to open up and explain what have happened the last 7 months. “When Emily died I was really sad, I think you remember that day…I still am. I can’t focus on something more than twenty minutes without thinking about her. Sometimes at school I had to ask to go to the bathroom because I wanted to cry but soon they stopped letting me go because they said I was going too much so I was staying in class tearing up , saying it was an allergy.”

Y/N stopped to take a deep breath to hold back the more tears that were threating to fall and continue. “Finally, I can’t sleep at night. For the past 7 months I have breakdowns almost every night and I cry myself to sleep. Some of the times I…I almost fainted because I was hyperventilating so bad.” Y/N let all her feelings out and started crying.

Spencer had been speechless and couldn’t understand how he missed the signs. He came closer to Y/N and hugged her. She let herself into her dad’s hug that provided her a sense of comfort.

“I’m sorry for being such a bad dad lately. I’m so so sorry, baby…” Spencer had tears in his eyes as well.

“It…it’s okay. I know that you had your own problems. I…I just miss her so fucking much dad…”

“I know babe…I know. I miss her too.”

That was the last thing Y/N said before having another breakdown in front of her dad but she didn’t care. She knew he was the one person he could probably help her through it.

After almost fifteen minutes Spencer managed to calm her down and they decided to go home. When they got out of the room the whole team was gathered and looked at them worried as they all cared for Y/N as their own child. Spencer made a signal to be quiet and they headed home.

It wasn’t too late but they both were tired, especially Y/N so she went straight to bed. Spencer went to kiss her for good night.

“Tomorrow I’ll stay home and we’ll talk about it, okay?” Y/N nodded. “Everything will be fine. Goodnight, baby, i love you so much.” Spencer said and got out of the room closing the door behind him.

“Goodnight, dad. I love you too” Y/N said before falling asleep.

Spencer smiled and went to his room thinking of ways to make the most important person in his life feel better.

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“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” -John Lennon

Part 2 with Emily’s return?

[nomoreusername]

Sunshine and Rain (Part 3)

Pairing:Sonya x female reader

Summary:While just trying to vent to an object Aris pulls your emotions to the surface.

Was I doing the only thing I was a master at and avoiding my problems (Sonya)? Yes. Yes I was. I refuse to confront this right now or ever. I’ll just run from my issues. I always was good at that.

So I stayed several feet away, just out of sight. Hidden by the shore, I was just below her, every now and then turning and watching her figure before looking back at the waves.

Keeping my feet in the water, I watched as a seashell washed up. Picking it up, I figured it was safe to rant to. After all, I highly doubt a shell will spread my secrets.

“Hey shell. I’m Y/N, and I have severe problems connecting with people. As of such, I won't talk to this wonderful girl about my feelings for her, even though she's the only person capable of helping sort them out. All I know is ever since she kissed me, even if it was on the cheek, my mind had been filled with only her. I have no idea how to fix this problem but am currently making sure we don't cross paths, which seems like a terrible idea. I also make terrible decisions though so it’s fine. Decisions like falling for a girl who doesn't want me,”I ranted.

“Hey-”

“I wasn't talking to a sea shell,”I immediately lied, throwing it in the sea. Turning around, I saw Aris standing there with an unreadable expression.

“I didn't think that you were,”He shrugged, taking a spot by me before I could do anything. Staring at the sunset, lost in our own thoughts, I tried to pretend he wasn't there as my mind was still traveling back to her.

“How have you been, rainy?”He spoke up.

“Excuse me?”I snapped, glaring at him.

“I just asked how you are, rainy.”

“Where the hell do you get off?”I asked in disbelief.

“What are you talking about?”He questioned, playing dumb.

“Nobody is allowed to call me rainy but Sonya. Do you understand? That is my special name from her, and you will not use it again,”I demanded.

“It's just a nickname,”He complained.

“It's not just a nickname. It's my nickname that Sonya gave to me, and it is not to come out of anyone's mouth. Have I made myself clear?”I asked slowly.

“So it's special because it's from her?”He clarified.

“Exactly.”

“So in that case, Sonya is special to you,”He stated, making me sort of regret my outburst as I glared at the sand like it used mind control on me. “I probably shouldn't be telling you, but you're special to her too.”

“I am?”I asked, hiding the unwanted hope in my voice.

“Yeah. She talks about you to me all the time. She goes on and on like you're the only topic to exist.”

“Are you being serious?”

“I have no reason to lie. It's almost concerning, but most of all, it's pure, like she's talking about the stars or the ocean.”

“That's, wow,”I whispered, looking at him again.

“Do you love her?”He asked.

“What?”

“Do you love her?”He repeated. As I instinctively went to say no my throat dried up. Unable to find any words, I slowly nodded my head as the realization hit me harder than anything ever had before. “I thought so,”He shrugged.

“I love someone. I love Sonya,”I managed to say.

“You should tell her,”He suggested.

“I don't know how,”I admitted. “I don't know how to say those words to anyone.”

“Well, I think you can do it. And who knows? She probably feels the same way. After all, she did kiss you,”He pointed out, going to stand.

“How do you know about that?”I asked quickly.

“I told you. She talks about you, a lot. So say something so she'll talk to you instead. As much as I love hanging out with her, if I hear your name one more time I’m gonna go deaf,”He shrugged, giving me a small smile before walking away, leaving me to figure out just how much truth, if any, there was to his words.

But he was right. He had no reason to lie so maybe just this once I could trust someone and tell Sonya how I feel.

[yellowhollyhock]

The different family cultures of each iteration of turtles, using the example of how conflict is navigated

In 1987 when one of them is upset they will first have some type of small verbal outburst and then close themselves in their room. Then Master Splinter will say something like, “I believe this was very serious to him. You may have hurt his feelings.” Which is a very soft reprimand and also pretty redundant because this is a script they’re all familiar with. The offended turtle made an angry defensive statement and then shut the door. They all know this song and dance. But Master Splinter’s prompt is part of it because they all like routine (look at every single character with their “as Michelangelo would say, Cowabunga,” sometimes with Michelangelo standing right there, they love each other’s voices they love echoing each other they love predictability and familiarity). It’s like when I prompt my third graders to say sorry or excuse me or thank you; they know it’s coming, and when I’m not listening they do it on their own, but if they know I’m there they like to wait for prompt because it’s been established as a routine to help them learn social norms and it’s comforting to remember they can still have help (just have to be careful not to give too much help and end up making them feel judged and nagged) (am I saying that this happens with Splinter? Well I’m not not saying it). Anyway this is fitting and heartwarming because the 87 turtles mutated from toddlers into teens. They never got to be third graders and their family culture has developed in a way that allows them their dignity while also giving them as much structure and guidance and forgiving safety net as possible.

In 2012 when feelings get hurt it’s all very out in the open. Donnie insults Mikey’s intelligence? Mikey tackles him from behind. Leo is annoyed with Raph? Open criticism none secret. Donnie doesn’t like Leo pressuring him? He’s gonna scream about it might even throw something. And in the flip side, there’s Raph lifting Leo into a hug to show his gratitude for being accepted. There’s Donnie beaming at Mikey when he beats the electrocution game telling him how awesome he is. They’re very open with their feelings, like extremely so very open. Visiting their house would be just sensory overload. Like we all had those cousins right? There’s always peanut butter on the wall and screaming in the other room and the toilet seat is left up. It’s warm and comfortable but also really chaotic and almost disturbing. That’s the 2012 turtles. And this also makes a lot of sense considering they were the most completely isolated for fifteen years.

The 2003 turtles are very sensitive. Idk how else to phrase it. They’re very in tune with each other, and just like with the 2012 turtles this means they’re there for each other, and also that they hurt each other. But quite unlike 2012, they’re very… not reserved exactly. Not formal, either. There’s a lot of warmth but it’s very quiet. If 03 visited 12 (especially Donnie because I think that’s the starkest difference) they’d be shocked. It would feel rude to them. They definitely get angry but they’re very gentle with each other. They can hear the emotions loud and clear, but to someone who isn’t familiar with them the way they are with each other it can look like they aren’t communicating at all. They act the most their age when they’re only with each other, and much more grownup when outsiders are around (seeing them relax around April and Casey gets to me every time). This tracks because Master Splinter has never been human and started out with no idea how mutation would work. He needed them to grow up fast, superficially if necessary, because he didn’t know how long he’d be able to take care of them. And once that’s done you can’t just undo it.

With Rise when someone’s mad there’s a lot of yelling and name-calling. Donnie uses dum-dum, Raph and Leo both use jerk. Mikey purposely bottles it all up so he can be Dr Delicate Touch, which is terrifying honestly. If the name-calling cuts too deep or an issue is more serious to one guy than the other guys, they’re all about big elaborate gestures. Lots of big gestures for expressing positive emotions, too. When Donnie’s robot hurts his brothers feelings they reprogram him to bully his creator (they obviously didn’t mean for it to be as dangerous as it was but even so their plan was quite. Excessive). When they accidentally flush Piebald they end up dealing with an entire revenge plot from her and Master Splinter himself. They have a big old snowball fight over which Jupiter Jim movie they like best. Whether they’re expressing hurt or just saying I love you, it’s all about ✨ pizazz ✨. Which. You know. They were raised by Lou Jitsu who is all about pizazz, but not only that, they had to use big gestures to get his attention.

It’s interesting to think about how these differences would affect how they are with each other. 1987��s rituals would throw off most of the other turtles, I think the rise boys would love it though. 2003 turtles are positively chaotic but in a multiversal group they’d never get blamed for stuff because they seem polite.

[klcthebookworm]

WIP Wednesday

Meryl continued to investigate while everyone else went to sleep. The investigation is going poorly.

Meryl growled under her breath at the lack of answers. She continued turning pages. Three weeks of more samples tested, more pushing for Hybrid Four to do something that never happened, and the last entry in the folder said the military representative was coming to conduct their own tests. And that was it.

That was it! No note from Nana explaining why she did what she had done and what she knew. She had still had her mental facilities when she put this package together for Meryl. She could have written a confession. Or at least the location of the laboratory of Meryl’s nightmares.

Meryl flipped through the beginning pages again. She was right, no location written down anywhere. She growled again. Leaving out this information was unacceptable! Where could she go to find out what the hell she even was?

Vash rolled out of the sofa and onto his feet. “I know what that sound means.” Before Meryl could feel guilty about waking him up because Milly had slept through louder outbursts from her, he was at the table and switching off the lamp. “And as adorable as it is, none of us really need you yelling at us.”

Wait, adorable? Why was he calling her adorable? What did he mean by that? She couldn’t articulate her questions and while she was speechless, Vash scooped her out of the chair.

He laid her on her right side facing the sofa back, lay his long body behind her back, settled the bedroll blanket over them both, and draped his left arm over it and her waist. “So sex?” he asked.

That broke through the numbness that had froze her tongue. “Excuse you!” She whispered furiously, not wanting to wake anyone in the bedroom but he had to know that was not how to ask her for it.

He sighed hard enough to ruffle the hair on top of her head. “I don’t know what to do,” he said in a low, contrite voice she had never heard from him before. “I want to help you and I don’t know what to do. You are exhausted and getting sick over this and you know you need to rest to figure out what is frustrating you, but you’re stuck in the getting frustrated part. You have to know you need to rest. So if sex will help you forget enough to relax and sleep, I’m offering. Badly, obviously. I didn’t think I could do it worse than the last time. But I’m willing to help you. If you’d rather drink it away, I will get dressed and go find some open saloon in this city to buy you a bottle of whiskey.”

That made her heart plummet and she grabbed his gloved left hand to stop him from leaving. “Don’t go! They’ll catch you or something bad will happen—” She clamped her mouth shut to keep the spike of fear inside her. But she couldn’t loosen her fingers.

“Then I won’t go,” he said gently. “But you know just how hard I am to catch.”

She took a ragged breath trying to regain control of her free-wheeling emotions. “You must think I’m a stupid, emotional woman.” She was too exhausted to polish off the bitterness of always being judged lacking.

“Never stupid,” he said firmly. “I have lost count of the stupid I have dealt with, and you and Milly have never been in that category. And emotions are just psychological states and are fine as long as you don’t hurt anyone with them. You’d have to exert a lot more force on that hand in order to hurt it.”

She looked at her hand wrapped around his left hand, his replacement hand. “You’re still wearing your glove?”

He chuckled. “That’s not psychological. I don’t have a hate for it. Got it attached to the stump too fast to really miss the arm I was born with. Hair gets caught in the knuckle joints. Hopefully the next upgrade fixes that and I’ll be able to keep the gloves off occasionally.”

“I’m not trying to hurt your hand.” She shifted her fingers and pressed his hand onto her stomach. “How much can you feel with this?”

“A lot compared to some models available. My right is more sensitive.” He didn’t move it against her stomach. “Do you want the whiskey?”

The thought of losing control in the middle of all this uncertainty was a twang of wrong notes on her nerves. “Don’t go. You don’t have to go find whiskey.”

“I do want to help, Meryl. I’m sorry I don’t know how.”

“Jumping to sex rather sounds like you want to help yourself.”

“Not without your consent. And giving you a good time is not the worst thing to do on the planet.”

She snorted. “You propose it when we never have a bed available.”

“Huh. So I do. Sorry about that. Though the sofa is better than sand.”

He was serious about the offer, but there was another problem with the timing. “Just how soon did you want to have the sex talk with Chuck?”

“Not this soon,” he said fervently.

[annionebutme]

"I’m deeply sorry for the messages I sent to Clint, not just for having sent them but for having had those thoughts to begin with. That particular day, I was experiencing severe suicidal ideation to the point of writing a ‘goodbye’ letter and planning to act later that afternoon. I was upset that I never got to see you before your trip, but that doesn’t excuse what I said. I know you’ve done a lot for me, for which I’m greatly appreciative, but was blinded to all the good you’ve done for me by my extremely depressive mindset at the time. They aren’t thoughts or feelings about you that I normally have. I regretted everything I shared with him later that day and called the Mental Health Hotline that day in the hopes to find a way to finally escape the darkness that’s been enveloping me for the last few years, and has gained ground since my back pain limited my mobility.

I’m aligned with several mental health services and am seeking more support to try and avoid such outbursts and hurting the ones I love, while also meaning friendships can be friendships, and not impromptu counselling sessions.

I know being my friend hasn’t been easy for you given my frequent emotional distresses, and I can only thank you for being as friend for as long as you were. I didn’t expect friendship to last that long. I do care deeply for you, and I don’t think anyone will ever appreciate your friendship more than I did. And I just wish I could’ve done more to have made the friendship worth it for you, even just to make you smile like I’ve seen other people do. I know you’ve done a lot of the heavy lifting in the friendship we had, particularly when Marc died and after I came out as transgender.

I just wish things could have gone better, that I could have been more resilient and held myself together better while suffering from the back pain and isolation. It hasn’t been easy given the events that preceded it this year, but that doesn’t give me the right to take it out on the people that cared for me.

Again, I’m deeply sorry, for everything. Not just for those messages I sent to Clint. For everything. For relying too heavily on you for support over the years. For going silent when things went bad. For questioning your friendship. For everything. I’m also sorry for not responding to your message months ago. I was afraid a conflict between us would invoke more suicidal thoughts, although I couldn’t escape them as it was and was hospitalised again that week. I'm in hospital again for suicidal thoughts and plans.

I just hope that you can forgive me one day, and maybe afford me a chance to mend things with you. Sorry for everything. I’ve been trying, but this was just the year that defeated me."

This apology was... hollow. So hollow. It's obvious thats she's hoping I won't know that she's been lying about me to our friend group and trying to get them to intervine of her behalf, and it's such a Bianca apology I've gotten the same one in some form like 20-30times. It's hard to explain but when you get it once it's an apology. Again and again over every insignificant thing you start to see through the misdirection.

I've also got pretty extreme mental and physical health problems. I've had to leave my preferred line of work due to my health issues. I've struggled with sleep to dangerous levels. I've had to talk myself away from suicide, and during all of this I was supporting Bianca. I was talking her down off the ledge, giving her financial support to get more therapy and to aid with her transition, going to bat for her when she was facing discrimination in our organisation, giving validation and emotional support... and the apology I get is 1% apology 99% "I have mental health problems" as if i doesn't know better than any of our other friends what she's going through. She does this every time for every tiny thing (and all this year long drama is over something that could be solved with a 5 minute conversation so believe me these are very tiny things). I'm genuinely just so bloody exhausted of it at this point for every minor apology to be a mental health session and I know that if i go "So Clint and Jane both say you messaged them to say you've already apologised to me and could they step in." I know I'm getting ghosted again. So i just say

Glad you're getting yourself sorted out. All the best for the future.

< Part 2

Part 4 >

[confessionblog]

hello! i’ve been searching for a place like this to get this one thing off my chest. it really means so much to have a safe space like this. thank you for being here for people❤️

i’m actually quite paranoid about sending this, even if it’s anonymous. you may not want to reply publicly, if it’s as bad as i feel it is.

trigger warning for physical abuse and autistic trauma and meltdowns.

when we were younger, me and my brother shared a room, so we spent a lot of time together and were really close. i loved him loads (still do, even though we’ve drifted apart) but just like any average little brother, he had a habit of trying to annoy or disturb me, which didn’t pair well with me being a short-tempered, super sensitive and emotional (undiagnosed) autistic child. it led to me having uncontrollable bursts of anger.

i did eventually learn to manage my anger, regulate my emotions and cope in healthier ways, but to this day i’m haunted by how my rage would push me as far as h*tt*ng him, and sometimes ch*k*ng him. it was always for very brief, and i think i remember asking him about it years after it happened and him not remembering it, but i can’t imagine how scary and traumatising of an experience it must have been for him in the moment. so many years have passed but i still find myself thinking and feeling so guilty about it. the memories are just so vivid and ingrained in my brain, i can’t bring myself to describe them, they make me sick to my stomach. i’m so ashamed, i’ve never told anyone about this, and it feels like i’m hiding this huge terrible secret and just pretending to be a good person. because what kind of person does that? it’s such a fucked up thing to do, especially to someone you love. i know i was just a child (7-9) so i can’t treat it as though a sane, sober adult did it, but i still regret and hate myself for my actions. even back then, i hated myself for it. it was like a blind rage and the second it passed i would start crying, ridden with guilt, hugging him close, apologising profusely. how could i have done such a horrible thing? what’s wrong with me? i’m the world’s worst sibling, i deserve to be punished etc, etc. i literally remember thinking those things, and crying myself to sleep over it months and years down the line.

now that i’m older, i mourn that i wasn’t given the support i clearly needed for my behaviour back then. like, it’s not okay for a child that young to be so emotionally unstable and have such violent outbursts, right? i don’t blame or resent my parents, they didn’t always find out about these instances after all (when they did, they would just tell me not to take my anger out on my brother, and him not to purposely annoy me) but because they were so preoccupied with accomodating his undiagnosed but suspected autism, they failed to notice or accommodate mine (it presented differently in me, and in general i was a well-behaved and unproblematic child, and learned to mask early on. i bring this up not as an excuse, just to clarify and contextualise some things, because my brother would often overstimulate me on purpose e.g. by continuously poking/touching me, repeating noises after telling him i didn’t like them, and that’s what would set me off)

the memories flood back every few years, and sometimes i even feel bad for having stopped thinking about them, like i should be revisiting and mentally bullying myself over them every day, all the time, as a punishment or some kind of repentance? or that i don’t deserve to feel bad because i was the perpetrator not the victim.

it’s been so long but i don’t know if i’ll ever have the courage to address it with anyone in real life, especially my brother, who is a teenager now, going through a phase of shutting everybody out, and who i’m no longer close enough with to discuss such a heavy subject. maybe in the future, when it’s better for both of us? it horrifies me to imagine that he might still remember it, but it would probably be good for closure and healing any resentment in our relationship.

most of all though, i think i’m afraid that i’ll be seen as monstrous/evil or psychotic. is that melodramatic? i feel like even now that i’m an adult, i’ll somehow be persecuted for my actions, which is completely irrational, i know. i just still feel as though my reactions were inexcusable, and that i’m irredeemable as a person because of them. it still eats at me every time i’m reminded of it. but i was also just a kid, and that gives me so many conflicted emotions? we spent almost all of our time together, and he’d never listen when i verbally told him to stop several times, which is why i resorted to physical retaliation. but that doesn’t mean he deserved to be treated that way. should i have known better? were my parents not doing enough or was i the problem?

i don’t even know where i could’ve learned the behaviour from. maybe violent movies? my parents weren’t as strict with what i watched as they probably should’ve been because i was such a ‘mature’ child and, seemingly, didn’t mimic what i saw in television, so i got ‘free passes’. also, my parents didn’t physically abuse us, so it’s not a cycle or normalisation of violence or anything. they’d spanked us occasionally for discipline, but nothing serious. hitting/fighting between siblings wasn’t considered unusual, at least during younger years, amongst my family and such. but i ‘grew out’ of my reactive anger fairly quick, and i’d never lay a hand on a person now, especially not anybody i love. i don’t even raise my voice when people anger me now.

this is the first time i’ve ever acknowledged this outside of my own head. i might end up regretting choosing to dump it online, i feel like i’ll either get backlash and hate that’ll make me feel worse or armchair diagnoses that i’m a psychopath or something. but it’s easier this way and the best i can do in my circumstances (can’t afford a therapist at the moment) and honestly just cathartic to finally express all these thoughts and feelings that have been accumulating in me over the years. i’m by no means UNremorseful of what i did, but i don’t actually think i’m an awful human being, you know? i feel that way sometimes, but i know i’m not. a lot of this is my honest feelings and not meant to be taken as, like, i don’t know, performative self-loathing/remorse? i guess i can’t really prove that or control people’s opinions of me, but i can’t help wanting to be sincerely understood, especially over worst case scenarios like having my plain old venting and honesty interpreted as, like, some fucked up multilayer reverse psychology type manipulation tactics.

i would be incredibly grateful for advice, but even if this ends up being ignored, i’m just glad i was able to tell someone. perhaps this situation is not as serious as i feel it is and i’m blowing it out of proportion, or it is, but either way it’s been genuinely severely upsetting to me, and i hope to find a way to talk to someone about it and break it all down someday. for now i’m just here.

anyway.

tldr; i had unresolved anger issues as a kid stemming from my autism and my brother would often be the recipient of my violent outbursts/meltdowns. i’m still ridden with guilt and anxiety about it to this day, and feel like a bad person.

I was also an angry kid, and I think about it a lot too.