#excerpts from a book i'll never write

[scriptastra]

[beforeyearning]

quiet musing in the kitchen. click for better quality. full transcript under the cut.

I love you. I don’t know what to do with my hands. If I stay

idle I think I would spontaneously combust, so I nervously

clean the kitchen. I put on the kettle, and heat up some

biscuits. The kitchen is a great hiding place, so I say it again,

I love you. You won’t hear it over the roar of the kettle &

hum of the air-fryer. At times, loving you feels like a

balancing act, because yes, I’ve forgotten to eat today

but I worshiped you in a hundred novel ways.

There’s a certain intimacy being hunched over a

couple of ripping hot pots and pans, transforming

the raw into something delicious. Maybe that’s why

I feel comfortable in the kitchen & with loving you—

love as an act of transformation, so I love you more,

so I can be anyone else but me.

[rizuuspoetry]

[heretoobsessstuff]

“we’re all gonna miss major Cleven, sir”.

Major Cleven John thought bitterly. Gale. Sweet beautiful Gale. Gale who was there. In the cockpit. Fighting for his life while John was sleeping next to a random woman. Gale who was falling from the sky. Living his last moments. Losing blood. In pain. Scared and cold and alone. While John was here in London. Drinking and coaxing a random woman to spend more time in his bed. Where was Gale now? His Gale. Laying on the dirt and mud somewhere? Lost in some distant German field with no one to look for him? His ocean blue eyes forever closed? What had become of him? Of his Gale? Was anything even left of him?

John felt sick with anger. His thoughts ran wild with no one to tame them. I should’ve never left him alone. I should’ve been up there with him. Protecting him. Looking out for him. It was supposed to be me and him left up in the sky. Not me in London and him lost somewhere I can never reach. It’s all my fault. I failed him. I failed him. Grief clawing at his throat. Suffocating him. His eyes stinging with unshed tears and the lump he had swollen down a hundred times with the alcohol. He needed to go. Avenge Buck. Or find him. Or join him. Wherever he was.

“Don’t worry Kenny” he said. Jumping into the Jeep. Hands shaking. “I don’t even feel it”.

[hakaan05]

There are still bits of pieces of you, residue of pretenses disguised as promises that linger. I am over you, yes, but you have stained me like glass, colored me in your ways that could only be removed by shattering. I like the way I turned out.

[tetheredtomemories]

“Though I have tried desperately, I cannot seem to let go of you. It’s as though your soul and mine are tied to one another.”

- excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[booshoos]

i think i’m healing— but it still feels strange to breathe.

i move through the days with lighter steps, carrying less of you than i used to.

but sometimes, when the air forgets to move, i remember what it felt like to be loved by you.

and for a moment, the weight returns— heavy as regret, a shadow passing through my chest.

but then i laugh, and it no longer tastes like guilt.

i’m finding pieces of myself i buried deep— parts of me you never let me keep.

i feel the light of the girl i used to be— the one who laughed too loud, was a bit too wild, a bit too free.

the one you never let me be.

[mynameshouldbeadirtyword]

[thejourneyblog]

Time was infinite and scarce with you. Infinite in the amount of ways I wanted to be with you, Scarce in the amount of time there would be to do them.. but lets try anyways

[benitasroom]

tell me about the dreams you run away from and the home you build because of it.

— what i want to write, benita (published in benita's room)

[tinysoultimetravel]

"dil dhoke mein hai aur dhokebaaz dil mein" - Jaun Eliya

it was perfect until it wasn't. he loved you until he didn't. you still think about it during the sleepless nights, wondering at which moment did things go so horribly wrong. he betrayed you. he left you. you trusted him with everything and he walked all over you, shattering your heart and your sense of self into a million fragments. yet, you still blame yourself. your heart still blames you. (maybe if I'd done more, he would have stayed. maybe. just maybe.) you still love him. he still has your heart. after all it's not easy to move on from someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. you don't think you can love again. you don't think you have it in your to trust anyone and let them in again. maybe you're just one of those people who are unlucky in love. maybe it's just not meant to be.

[scriptastra]

[rizuuspoetry]

[lxneblooms]

Love is sometimes violent and behind this violence love asks to be attended to.

Love asks to be cared for. Love asks to be held and bathed in a bathtub with a gentle hand and a wet sponge. Love begs to be asked where it hurts so it can point to all the places where the edge cut too deep and say here, here and here.

[hakaan05]

Please stay on my skin, stain my clothes, exchange breaths. Carve your existence into mine, go beyond just memories, leave a tangible scar. I don’t want to just remember you

[tetheredtomemories]

I keep looking at you,

And every time I study your face, I get a glimpse of the boy you used to be—

Vulnerable, bright, and full of wonder.

I never knew you then,

But I still see you.

I see it in the way you laugh, like you still believe in magic,

When your smile reaches me like a memory I shouldn’t have.

When you tell me your stories,

Or when your eyes well with tears, and you apologize with a softness,

Like you’re scared you’ve let me down,

Like a child who thinks they’ve done something wrong.

I can’t help but see it—

The boy you were, laid bare in the quiet vulnerability of the man before me.

- I’ll be seeing you