#except. im kind of scared of the director. and most of the people that do it <-because of reasons

[venomgender]

i miss doing theatre

[astralprcjects]

first of all, if you saw me accidentally post this when it was half done, no you didn’t <3 but anyway, i’m following the trend and throwing out some ideas for connections !! i’d love some new plots, so if any of these catch your eye pls don’t hesitate to come yell at me :))) discord is the best place to reach me ( jojo she-ra#5493 ) or tumblr ims work just fine too !! 

i get very confused whether likes are just for support or if you’re interested in any plots so pls pls just dm me or drop a reply and i’ll come to you !! i’m not scary i promise just nervous like a shaky dog <3

a few important points:

mars is a lesbian, so romantic plots can only be taken up by female and non binary characters.

rosalie is bisexual and polyamorous – they have no interest in monogamy. she likes to form connections with people, and so much prefers casual flings and dating with no strings over one night stands.

both of my characters use she and they pronouns interchangeably. please don’t refer to them as women or misgender them in any way ( i’m always happy to answer any questions if you’re confused !! )

── 👻 M A R C E L I N E

extroverted friends – a lot of mars’ friends are introverts and she loves them dearly, but sometimes they just needs to be around people who match their energy !! so friends who will happily get excited with her and share their own passions in return ?? they’re extremely loyal and latch onto people quickly, so would be over the moon for that energy to be matched. ( open – all )

the non-believer – this muse doesn’t believe in ghosts or aliens or anything supernatural. so, naturally, mars has made it her life’s mission to change their mind. they have constant debates and light-hearted fights; they both enjoy trying to prove the other wrong. ( open – all )

horror movie besties – mars loves a good scary movie, but they always appreciates a familiar shoulder to hide behind. she and this character share a passion for horror movies and have regular movie nights. they always accompany each other to see the latest scary flicks in the cinema or re-runs of old classics. ( open – all )

unrequited crush – someone that mars is close friends with, who she is sure she feels more than friendship for. they respect their boundaries and will always be afraid to tell them, but can’t help but quietly pine from a far. ( open – f/enby )

requited crush – same as above, except the other person feels the same and now they’re dancing around each other ( open – f/enby )

friends who grew apart – they used to be close, mars used to tell them everything, but something pulled them apart. perhaps they both had feelings for the same person, or your character became irritated by mars’ constant pestering. mars can also get bored easily, maybe she became bored of this person too ?? or maybe mars had a crush on them and pulled away out of panic. ( open – all (f/enby only for ex-crush) )

amicable exes – they dated for a few months and it was great, but other circumstances caused them to break up. they didn’t see each other for a while, but later reunited and realised that, although they had both moved on, they still really cared for each other and struck up a strong friendship instead. now they are each other’s go-to for relationship/dating advice, since they know each other so well. ( open – f/enby )

co-workers and work connections – mostly fellow journalists, or people who work in the magazine/newspaper industry. marcie works freelance, so she works for various publications across the city and would have contacts in most places who she can call upon for favours. they would also have a string of contacts from previous articles they’ve written; perhaps she has interviewed your character or they are someone with a lot of connections themselves which she can utilise. usually at a price, of course. ( open – all )

no man is an island – mars is desperately trying to become an author, but they can’t do it alone. so anyone who works in the industry is a valuable asset – publishers, editors, fellow authors, you name it and mars probably wants their number. she can go to these people for help and advice when she faces a setback, or just wants to use their placement in the industry to try to launch her career. they are, of course, always well compensated with baked goods and cups of coffee. ( open – all )

rivals – mars can be incredibly irritating and she knows that, but she doesn’t appreciate when people are cruel or rude to her about it. this muse simply can’t stand marcie and so the feeling is mutual and they avoid each other at all costs, even if the universe sometimes has other ideas. ( open – all )

 ── 🌹 R O S A L I E

gossip sources – people always know people who know people and rosalie is insufferably nosey. she always wants to know everything that’s going on and can never keep her opinions to herself. as such, she is an excellent person to go for if you need to rant or want impartial advice, just as long as you remember to tell her not to spread the news beforehand. otherwise the entire borough of queens might know your business by lunchtime. ( open – all )

college friends – rosalie studied at nyu from 2012 to 2016, so could have crossed paths with all kinds of people during this time !! maybe they’ve stayed in touch ever since, maybe they lost track of each other once their lives divulged but now have an opportunity to reconnect ?? ( open – all )

makeover victims – rosalie loves all things beauty (makeup, hair, nails, fashion, the full works) and, even more than that, loves experimenting on other people. these characters are her canvas; whether they have an event they’re attending, or are off on a date, or even just fancy an afternoon of being pampered, rosalie will always be at their doorstep with a fully equipped makeup kit if they just say the word. ( open – all )

practically cousins – rosa’s family is huge and they are well known for inviting anyone and everyone over for dinner, especially if those people don’t have family of their own or are far away from home. rosalie’s friends are considered family and are welcome in their home. ( open – all )

friends of her family – the above courtesy is of course extended to their family member’s friends. perhaps this muse is close to one of rosalie’s siblings, but doesn’t get along with rosa at all. the two try to get along over the dinner table (mostly to avoid her abuela’s wrath), but outside of that they bicker relentlessly and can’t seem to ever see eye to eye. ( open – all )

rivals – rosalie is an insufferable gossip who can’t keep their mouth shut unless they were sworn to secrecy. maybe she spilled a secret of your muse’s by accident and they have never forgiven her for it ?? she’s not spiteful and is very openminded so it would be something she thought was harmless or common knowledge, which also means she doesn’t really accept that she did anything wrong. ( open – all )

heartbroken – their dating life is a mess and they tend to pull away if things get too serious, so she’s likely to have a string of people who have been hurt by her distancing herself from them. maybe there was a miscommunication and rosalie thought they were only hooking up but the other thought they were dating ?? or maybe they were something more serious, but rosalie broke it off when it got too real ?? there are lots of options to play with !! ( open – all )

casual hookups – because she doesn’t want to get attached, rosalie has multiple casual partners. neither party wants anything more serious, but it is fun to hook up with each other and go out on dates without any of the strings that usually comes with that. if we want the d r a m a, perhaps your muse actually does want more, but rosalie is scared to commit. ( open – all )

industry friends – actors, directors, screenplay writers etc. the entertainment industry is a tangled mess of egos, but when you make friends you keep them close. these are people rosalie can run lines with, they tell each other about auditions and support each other through the madness that is the career path they’ve both chosen. rosalie is never afraid to speak her mind, so she is always someone that can be relied upon for constructive, impartial advice. ( open – all )

[krispdreemurr]

new mages? 👀

new fuckin mages!!!

under the read more for length but heres some quick little Mage Summaries (quickness or littleness not guaranteed)

a lot of these are from collab stuff w a group of people, so if some of the settings seem familiar from knifehecker’s cool mage list, that’s why lmao

skygreen/the beepy one (they/them) (green)

from a crossover with sky: children of the light. green is young, sweet, and inclined to spend most of their time looking at birds and butterflies and beeping at them softly. they love hugs and time with others. but they know - they can’t stay where they are forever. they’re being called towards a higher path, a greater end. they are so, so scared. they are trying to hide it, but they will always be scared.

soph (thon/thonself) (purple)

from a take where the mages reincarnate in the deltarune timeline, sort of - kris is older and in college, and so are the mages, but the dark world is still discovered and with it things are set into motion. soph is a graduate student focusing on physics, and is perpetually exhausted by everything but doing thons best. thons sibling, wynne, is a twitch streamer and semi-known, and soph also runs a youtube channel about like teaching physics in laymans terms. the combined income is most of how the two are making rent and, for soph, tuition. neither wants to talk abt their parents much. 

pyxis (they/them) (azure)

from a take exploring the mages in the deltarune universe, which i know i just said, but these ones are like the ancient ones that nearly made the barrier and then didn’t, and they use the colors in-between the main ones. pyxis, when young, was in a shipwreck and was taken in by a colony of sirens who raised them. unfortunately, during a trip to land, a noble’s men saw an “orphaned child” being “stalked” by “hungry-eyed sirens” from the water. pyxis was taken in and forcibly “adopted” by the noble, as an effort by him to prove that this nonverbal, odd-acting child could be raised properly. pyxis has spent most of their time since trolling him relentlessly and fucking up everything they can. they don’t speak, but do sing. recently, the angel came to them in a dream, promising them a way to keep monsterkind safe and well at the cost of their voice. yes this is all little mermaid esque, deliberately,

tomomi (they/them) (blu)

raised by a family of spider-women and trained to be a weaver. their family was in the employ of the imperial family, until the emperor and empress were killed by monsters on travel. now the young ruler, under the guidance of their most trusted adviser, has started a war with monsterkind - and conscripted any humans with magical talent, as part of it. tomomi agreed to cooperate so long as their family was kept safe, but in truth they’re planning to sabotage as much as they can get away with. snarky behind a polite smile, and better friends with looms than they are with people.

nim (they/he) (orange)

from a verse where the mages all have some level of meta-knowledge. nim was a humble farmer trying to protect his village from a bandit raid, when he got stabbed thru the chest. as he laid there, dying, the angel appeared to him and offered him the power to protect the things he cared about. nim agreed, and in exchange, the angel took their love (or something like that - there was something odd about the way they said it, some hint of another meaning). nim came back with a hole in their chest that bled orange constantly, and with the knowledge that death was temporary and meaningless, that all deaths were acts in a play and the actors could be brought back at any time by the director. unfortunately, their resulting, um, massacre against the bandits got them thrown out of the village because frankly everyone was kind of freaked out. theyve found themselves in new company since, and they love their new friends, helping others, and a healthy serving of arson.

aeon (any pronouns) (poncho)

from a crossover of magnus archives and the mages where each mage is two entities, except aeon, who is extinction (which arose early here because of two competing species fighting for dominance, and also bc i think it’s cool let me live my life). aeon was formerly an alchemist, looking to find a way to let technology and science supplant the dominance of monster magic and to start a new era of humans. unfortunately, handling mercury gloveless is a bad way to start that off, and they slowly and painfully fucking died. after death, they saw the course history would take over hundreds, thousands, millions of years, and they saw that humanity would fall, and everything would be meaningless, incomprehensible. they tried a few times to change the future they saw, but each death revealed that they had changed nothing meaningful at all. eventually they saw a single path forward - they would lead to one apocalypse, the fall of monsters, and then they would die and be forgotten and not have to live out the hell of knowing how little they mattered. so it’s time to be bastards. aeon is a smug nihilist who thinks apathy makes them very cool and very smart. they are without magic, and without a soul, because they are the humanity that will have its short reign after the age of magic and wonders is done. their soullessness does not excuse their bastart actions tho

those are all the new ones! i also still have lugh, polaris, hastie, mari, and probably more im forgetting. please help me im dying

[speckledbears]

Thoughts on “Far From Home”

SPOILERS FOR “Spider-Man: Far From Home”!!!!

this is for you anon

ok so basically i thought that it would have been good if it wasn’t a Spider-Man (“children’s”) movie.

Like, I think Quentin (Jake G) was such an interesting character, and an amazing villain but, I hated that his entire reason was because he wanted to be the New Iron Man. It bugs me to NO END that THATS the reason. Tony stole the projector tech he made, made fun of him (even if the audience didn’t know), and fired him. I think that’s a much better reason than wanting to be the next Annoying, Mean, Rich Rich Rich So Fucking Rich Metal Guy. The tech was so fucking cool? Like, projectors that seemed so lifelike,,, that’s so cool (also i kinda feel like you could relate it to how disney is only using GCI now but the russos are dumbasses). And like, the story Quentin and his team put together for Mysterio, and all the planning and the production value (if you can call it that lol) was so interesting and I was so intrigued. If there was a movie for him, and he didn’t fucking suck, I would pay to see it. His issue is that he’s so hellbent on killing Peter, MJ and Ned that I was put-off from like, half the movie. It’s kinda terrifying that someone can say, “I’ll just have to kill the kids myself,” and NO ONE IS CONCERNED??? And the fact that he was willing to kill innocent civilians just to make headlines, that’s fucked (and modern). Also, I think the directors missed out on a big opportunity for Peter to have a new father figure. Peter looked up to Quentin, trusted him, seeked him out for advice, like he would a father. I don’t remember him ever doing that with Tony. Peter was always too worried he was bothering him, and Tony seemed to brush him off a lot. Sure, Tony picked him and placed so much faith in him but, in the end? I feel Peter became more of a toy for the Avengers than an actual team member. If Quentin had been a good guy, doing this shit for the “right reasons” (idk like, taking the burden of becoming Iron Man off Peter, and maybe mentoring him) he could’ve been AMAZING. I still love him (except his dumb reasons) but, y’all missed out!!!!

Next: The whole deal with Peter being chosen by Tony to be the next Iron Man. Fucking hate that shit!!!!! Peter is a CHILD, he’s 16, and obviously he’s not ready for that responsibility!!!! In the movie, he’s manipulated by Quentin (which i lowkey also hate and explained above) and he just!!! gave EDITH to him!!!!! He’s a good kid, but not mature or responsible enough to handle having access to that kind of tech. I mean, dude almost killed a classmate?? Literally called a drone strike on the kid, couldn’t figure out how to cancel it, and destroyed the drone himself. Let’s not forget that this responsibility was FORCED ON HIM BY TONY???? Like, there was this scene where Peter literally told Quentin that he didn’t want EDITH!!! He didn’t want that kind of responsibility that came with being Iron Man!!! All he wanted for the summer was to hang out with his friends and kiss the girl he likes!!! Peter just wanted to be a normal child for one summer and, apparently, that was too much to ask for. Also, in the scene where Happy and Peter are in the jet talking about Tony, Peter says that he doesn’t know if he can be the new Iron Man. Happy doesn’t even hesitate when he says, “No, you can’t. No one can replace him.” Like hello!!!! And then they immediately forget that little nugget of wisdom, and Peter starts playing with Tony’s tech and literally everyone with eyes can draw the parallels between Peter and Tony. It’s frustrating. I hated how Tony was treated after his death. I completely understand mourning a character, especially one as important as Tony Stark, but it didn’t feel like mourning. It felt like worshipping. Tony had become a martyr, and he fucking knew it (EDITH = Even Dead, I’m The Hero 🙄) and people are still licking his boots. It’s just so weird that, even though he’s supposed to be dead, he’s still a main character and RDJ isn’t even in the movie!!!!!!!! When a character dies, that’s it, they can’t directly influence the story anymore, and yet Tony is still the reason for everything Peter does? He doesn’t have his own initiative. He lived and breathed in Tony’s shadow, and he’ll live in it forever. He’s being forced to become the next Iron Man. And believe me, I love Tony. I grew up watching the “Iron Man” movies with my parents and brother, and I remember watching one in the theatre and laughing till I cried. Guys! He’s dead! He’s done more than enough! It’s Spider-Man’s turn now.

I really hated Nick Fury in this movie. I grew up watching the OG Marvel movies and I loved Nick, but holy fuck. This dude hounded Peter, a CHILD, for help against those Elementals when he could’ve literally asked anyone else (side note: he shot Ned with a tranquilizer dart like? dude he’s a child calm down-). He gave a shit ton of excuses for why he couldn’t get in contact with the other Avengers but, I call bullshit. This dude is like, one of the most powerful men in the world (Quentin’s words, but it’s also been proven in other movies). He managed to track down Peter, how is it THAT HARD for him to find an adult??? Then he hijacked the school trip so that Peter would be in Prague, and he KNEW that once Peter was there he would help. It’s manipulation. Never mind the scene like, 5 mins later where Peter says he’s worried about his friends getting hurt (and having EDITH but not really understanding her), and Nick exploded on him. LIKE DUDE??? he’s a child. I’m also super pissed off at the fact that Nick manipulated Peter using his Avenger status. OOOOHHHH you whore!!! Literally everyone knows that Peter loved Tony (🙄🙄) and he used him against Peter! ASK AN ADULT FOR HELP YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE TEAM OF THEM????? Oh also, the bitch KNEW Quentin was evil. There’s a scene that proves it. It’s right after their first meeting where Peter says no, and leaves. Nick and Maria (the brunette lady hes always with, im surprised i remembered her name) share a knowing glance. They fucking KNOW. And yet?? They let Quentin do whatever the hell he wants?? He literally tried to kill 3 teenagers, and planned to kill hundreds of civilians in London (and i’m not sure if anyone did get hurt or died but, i wouldn’t be surprised). But the most powerful man in the world can’t stop him, apparently. He wants a 16-year-old CHILD to do it for him. It’s ridiculous!

The romance was also a bit hit-or-miss for me. Like, Ned and Betty?? It felt so forced and contrived? It literally only existed so that MJ could take Ned’s place. Y’all notice that Ned basically ditched his best friend for the entire movie for some girl he barely knows? Also, the fact that they “fell in love” on an eight hour flight. Hate that. It’s such a trope and it’s ugly. The romance with Happy and May was kinda weird, too? I mean, I don’t know their past together. I didn’t watch “Infinty War” or “Endgame” but, it also felt forced. Especially at the end, when Peter asked if they were dating!! May said no and Happy said yes!! I’m assuming that’s supposed to be comedy?? ig??? Anyway, I didn’t really like the romantic rivalry between Brad and Peter? (btw no shit i almost called peter “tony” i’m telling y’all they’re synonymous now). Like, Brad’s logic in using the photo of Peter stripping to “expose the truth” about Peter to MJ was so weird and awkward? The entire scene felt forced and I was so uncomfortable watching it. Also, MJ would’ve stuck up for Peter anyway, so it didn’t even matter, and the rivalry was dropped so easily after the opera in Prague. I did actually like the romance between Peter and MJ, even though I wasn’t expecting to. It’s a bit weird how quickly he got over Liz, but whatever; he’s a teenager. (I was going to comment on the necklace thing but, that’s actually kind of in character for him so, y’all get ONE (1) pass). I thought their hug and kiss at the end of the battle with Quentin was super fucking sweet and innocent, and it was refreshing compared to most teen romance movies where they act like adults instead. I was in LOVE with that scene, and it was one of the only scenes I honestly loved.

Ok, I wanna go back to Quentin for a bit. This dude absolutely destroyed the Peter Parker we were given in HOCO, and at the beginning of the movie. Yeah, Tony already had him as a puppet, but Quentin took his innocence. Y’all saw how easily Peter trusted people before him!! Like?? When he found out Quentin manipulated him, he lost almost all his faith in other people, except for MJ and Ned. For example, the scene where Peter calls Happy to pick him up because he’s in a holding cell in the Netherlands? Love that scene BUT! As he’s limping over to Happy, so obviously fucked up and hurting, he makes Happy prove it’s really him. THAT FUCKING HURT LMAO!!!!! I hated that. And that last battle with Quentin on the bridge? He maneuvered so easily through the drones, it was impressive, and he’d only fought against them once before (seems impossible but whatever). And watching the projections dissolve away into just pixels and a scared little bitch in a fish bowl helmet? Classic Theatre. But, he was traumatized by previous experiences fighting Quentin. Peter’s growth made the movie good but, his loss of innocence really made this movie kinda suck. Sure, his innocence still there—the scenes later with MJ prove that—but he’s still lost his easy trust in other people. It hurt to see. And, like, I’m not saying he can’t be more mature but, he didn’t even trust Happy!! He’s so paranoid that he’ll find his loved ones replaced by Quentin’s illusions!! It sucks!!!! Peter isn’t Peter without that sense of childlike wonder, curiosity, and helpless faith in others.

Anyway, I wanna talk about that Netherlands scene again because, holy shit, I loved it. After Peter was hit by that train (i actually screamed but the cinematography inside the train? *kiss*), he wakes up in some holding cell in the Netherlands with a band of friendly locals, and the guard, who’s talking on the phone with his pregnant wife. I don’t know why but, that scene was one of the first to make me smile? Like, it was so sweet how the other men were so happy for the guard and his wife, how they gave Peter a spare shirt because he looked cold, how Peter just broke the lock and left? How the guard was wearing Peter’s mask???? I’m in love. The next scene I liked was literally right after, of Peter limping through the tulip field, and Happy landing the jet nearby. Without dialogue, that scene is so pretty?? The petals stirring in the wave the jet left as it landed?? The HUG???? UGH! I fell in love. Another scene I loved was the scene when Peter went to Berlin to meet with Nick Fury and Quentin manipulated it with the projection technology. Even though I knew it was fake, I was worried about what was going on outside the projection (he got hit by a fucking train so,,,,,, iwas right to be worried-). Watching Peter so helpless and trying to stay vigilant was so heartbreaking, yet I was lowkey impressed. Like? How many other mean ass men could pull that off? None, next question. I can’t even think about how to explain it. I watched that scene at least 3 times, and was amazed every time, my only thoughts anxiety for Peter.

Okay, lastly, I wanna talk about the tech. I thought it was so interesting and unique. Like, I’ve played with the idea of projection in stories, or with characters as magic but, never considered applying it through technology, especially tech as capable as it is. And every scene where the projections were being used were amazing. I mean, obviously it’s CGI, but in the context of the MCU, it’s so interesting and cool to see tech like that used in a very public way. And no one knew!!! The whole system (along with Quentin and his team) was so good at camouflaging that I was fooled at the beginning of the movie. I seriously believed in the Elementals and Mysterio’s ruined Earth. It’s part of the reason I really enjoyed his character. And, like I said earlier, Peter was fooled by it too; everyone was. He learned it, eventually. But not before Quentin could manipulate the situation one last time and claim Peter called the drone attacks on London, and revealed his identity.

All in all, I didn’t have fun watching “Far From Home,” and it’s mainly because it didn’t feel like a Spider-Man movie. I enjoyed “Homecoming,” so much more. The villain was far more relatable (even though you could see it as demonizing the poor), Ned and Peter’s friendship was so wholesome and sweet, the entire cast was fun, and it was more enjoyable than watching some angry rich white man trying to kill children so he can get richer.

[nvrissa]

hello laid ease and furries ( u know who u are )......hahaha....are u ready for this ? zimzalabim ! my name is xan ( she/her pronouns ) and my laptop has been broken for a good 3 years now i have to use an onscreen keyboard so if u see me typing for 20000 years on discord only to send u a single sentence u know whats up x JSDBJWBJW here is the intro....im really winging this no one call me out for that WOOO....tw: medication, mental health, body image ? perhaps just to be safe <3

ok ! so im not gonna talk too much abt family stuff bc yuno and i are doing the collab of the century here and art takes time people ! JSBDJBWDJW but so u get a good idea...i will write a little abt it lets get it 

so the kwons were two of the biggest faces in hollywood ( and tbh they are still considered icons / hollywood royalty no matter how old they get they stay #Relevant ) think bradgelina ! literally everyone knows who the kwons if u dont u probably live under a rock /: 

their parents are very into the fame thing...so when it came to their kids ( nari and wolfe ) they SUPER pushed the famous life onto them, really expecting both of them to be just as obsessed and enamored by the public. idk if u guys ever say that vid of gigi and bella hadid before they were huge were their mom was pressuring them both to get into modeling and to stay skinny and to be stars etc....it was kinda like that !

so narissa, being the first born, really just internalized that shit...like imagine being told ever since u were a baby that fame and status and ur last name are wildly important and not being able to remember a time when u werent being watched by cameras / a third party ( the public ) bc that was her life ! nari has....no experience as to what life is like without cameras and without having to create this image of herself that ppl are gonna be into 

obviously that’s NOT normal....and it had it’s toll on her /: as a kid she grew up so fast like u know those kids that seem so mature and wise for their age ? that was nari. she always had two versions of herself: inside nari vs outside nari. she was so good at being good just bc she knew what stuff to express and what stuff to keep inside ( spoiler alert: most of it was kept in x )  

she is still very much desperate to please her parents despite it all /: i feel like for a long time she kinda excepted and agreed that fame is everything ( hence why shes known for using her last name to get her places ) but shes starting to realize just how FUCKED it all is and just how much it’s messed her up so stay tuned for more fun !

ok so career stuff ! nari started off as a child model bc she was um super cute and super good at knowing what to do / not freaking out in front of cameras <3 but she was always obsessed with actors ! she used to sit in front of the tv for hours legit study and memorize ppls mannerisms and various movie lines.. she was literally always just quoting random lines / imitating various actors so often her parents were like ok word go act !    

she landed her first role at 12 and it was a pretty huge role as a lead chara in a mini television series that revolved around a cast of kids ( think stranger things but not plot wise just how some of the mains were kids ) with zero acting experience before hand ... so it was pretty clear to the media nari got the spot bc she was a kwon ! there was a bunch of controversy around the show before it came out but once it was released...there was no denying nari had talent

after that it was just a whirlwind of acting doors opening up for her. everyone wanted nari bc of her last name and all the attention that came from it, not to mention every director wanted to be The One that helped narissa kwon become one of the most famous actresses of the 21st century. most of the time she was getting cast for selfish reasons but nari never realized it /: she was just happy to be acting bc it really was like therapy for her to become different ppl

flash forward to age 15 when narissa was finally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and was prescribed meds to help ! it was actually a director from a movie she was working on that suggested to her parents nari might be struggling after witnessing her have a panic attack on set. not wanting a scandal, her parents agreed it was best to get her “help” which included pills and weekly therapy ! 

so nari actually didnt mind it too much tbh she HAD been struggling for a while she just assumed her anxiety was normal and just like something all famous ppl were dealing with but that wasnt the case. she was hesitant to open up to her therapist just bc she was still obsessed with this idea of inside nari vs outside nari, and she was very scared to cross that line so it took....years of sessions to build up that trust

as she got older though and as she got more famous, everyone just assumed she was better. she was more famous and loved by the day, she had become a chanel ambassador ( thank u jennie x ), her interviews on youtube always brought in record views, she’d started in plenty of movies critics agreed would become cult classics, her social medias were nearing kardashian level in terms of followers: everything was on track....

....except nari had actually never been more unstable. she had become so dependent on her meds she couldnt go anywhere or talk to anyone without popping a few in. all the watching eyes were starting to make her paranoid, not to mention the pressure from her parents ( who couldn’t be happier with nari being so famous ) was at its all time high. she had been nominated for an oscar at 21 and everyone was expecting her to win...and then she didnt

narissa kwon famously fainted at the 2018 oscars after it was announced she had lost the award. her actual fainting wasnt caught on camera or televised, but it WAS witnessed by some of the most relevant names and faces in hollywood who were in that room. the scandal took the media by storm, the hashtag #getwellnarissa trending for over 42 hours until a statement was released she had fainted bc of dehydration and other undisclosed causes and that she was okay & currently taking it easy at home surrounded by family 

in reality it was the abuse of her medication as well as all the stress, but when your last name is kwon manipulating the press is as simple as making the right phone call. unfortunately for nari and her parents, the article about the brat pack came out a week later, and there was no manipulating that source /:

for narissa, it was all a wake up call. she decided to go off her anxiety meds altogether. after falling out with the brat pack she spent that year trying to figure out who she was separate from her fame and her last name. despite some offers from a few casting directors ( surprisingly some people still wanted her despite the scandals bc she was still a kwon, after all ) narissa rejected every role except one in a coming of age indie movie that explores womanhood and mental health as well as strained relationships with mothers. the movie is set to release sometime mid august hehe (~:

she agreed to come to milan to reunite with the brat pack bc she’s still searching for herself ! nari figures the people who quite literally grew up with her might give her some answers......not to mention there is still a part of her who is desperate to reclaim the image and status she had before everything fell apart </3    

PERSONALITY/TIDBITS

narissa is....complicated to say the least. growing up in front of the cameras and in a family who prioritized fame and outside opinions of you as the most important thing, she is quite literally desperate for praise and approval. because she legit has no idea what parts of her are real and what parts of her she’s created for her public persona, she often looks for understanding in others!! shes very very good at analyzing people and understanding people in the hopes that its gonna make her better at analyzing herself, but to no avail. 

libra sun capricorn moon !! THIS is super accurate and telling if u wanna read but i kinda just summarized it in the last bullet

she is such a perfectionist with everything she does and a bit of a control freak in the sense that if she’s not the one doing something, she doesnt have faith whatever that is will be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. directors are often concerted with nari bc whenever she gets big roles.....she is so hard on herself, often asking for take after take bc she monitors every little thing abt her expression or her movements. she’s often left frustrated and disappointed with herself bc again, her standards are SUPER unrealistic ):

she’s relatively sweet!! growing up with the brat pack they probably knew her as the life of the party, very bubbly, confident, and very easy to have fun with as long as you’re being tolerable. however, she can get kind of opinionated at times so it’s very hard for you to gain her trust and respect back if you lose it. she’s also prone to random mood swings / periods of isolation, but whenever she returns its with a big smile and a soft voice assuring you everything is okay 

very good at lying and deceiving ppl but she hardly ever does it on purpose ( unless her publicists asks her too ). she’s carried this persona / public image of herself curated for consumption from others for so long, sometimes she has no idea when she’s being sincere or if she’s just convincing herself she’s being sincere. most of the time she only deceives other people about herself. she can come across as kind of elusive because of this ( think daisy from gatsby’s perspective ) but it’s not on purpose. she just legit has no true sense of self isnt that sexy?

speaking of sex. JWDBJWBDJWBD she also uses that as a coping mechanism / a weird affirmation that yes, she IS wanted by others and yes she IS seen as someone beautiful and that she IS something to be consumed by others ( like i said in my tags....male fantasies male fantasies ) but then at the same time she feels guilty abt this and so unsatisfied and disgusted at how she’s living her life as an object / manifestation of other people’s projections rather than as a normal person...rip </3 its a cycle

ever since her relationship with micah that was so hated by the public it actually ruined and ended their relationship, nari has been too scared to publicly have a relationship again. the media seems to love seeing her on casual dates with other stars, but not to see her tied down to one person, as that kind of “damages” this super accessible persona she’s put out ( think idols and why they cant date )  

she loves poetry, french music, all of marilyn monroe and audrey hepburn’s movies, nonfiction essays abt womanhood and identity, anything chanel, is particularly fond of silk dresses but is partial to velvet as well, wears lacy bralettes under everything bc it makes her a little more confident, actually prefers large parties to small ones because small gatherings are more personal therefore give her more anxiety, would only eat fruit and drink champagne if she could live like that, doesn’t know how to swim so she’s scared of the ocean as well as the dark, used to study ballet as a kid and misses it terribly, doesn’t know how to drive and isn’t planning to learn, can be materialistic at times, is probably an introvert masquerading as an extrovert for 22 years now, the only movies she cant stand are westerns, loves to travel but is scared of flying, doesn’t drink coffee, and is allergic to nuts. 

last but most important fact about narissa is that she loves her brother wolfe more than anything in this world so messing with him is the only way nari is bound to 100% hate you. she can bully him all she wants ( ex. starting very real rumors he IS in fact a furry ) but no one else is aloud to actually be mean to him or she will kill you

also very random but i had a hc that when she was 6 and her pet cat jinx died she caused enough fuss at home her parents actually made it a national holiday in about thirteen different states. the anniversary of this death is december 4th and yes . the brat pack better mourn jinx with nari every year......

pls spare plots im sorry this is so long.....JBDJBWJDBWJBWDJBJ i promise it will be worth it also im sensitive and very small ... how can u say no ? 

[tumblunni]

Reading the kingdom hearts manga, woo! I saw some of this when I was like 15 or something, but this is my first time reading the whole thing in actual order. Here’s just a few good bits from the beginning so far!

I’ve gotta say that even though this series has a (REALLY BIG) problem with rushing stuff + cutting out most of the disney worlds, there’s also a lot to love!

I think it actually managed to make the beginning way more dramatic just from how everyone is..well.. drawn more disney. Or more manga..disney?? Like its not the same style as how humans are atcually drawn in disney cartoons but you’ve gotta agree that the people are more cartoony and expressionate here and it looks less out of place. Same for how the manga adds lots more humour even while keeping things tense and dramatic! it helps establish people’s personalities a lot quicker than the game does, and honestly GIVES perosnality to Sora who otherwise doesnt have anything except ‘is really nice and good’. Here he’s more socially awkward and hyperactive and like.. endearing cos he tries his best but doesnt always succeed.

And the clear facial expressions for all of these moments leave it feeling less flat and like.. hard to tell what the damn intent of the scene was. Seirously the only way I agree KH1 was ‘a kids game’ is how the attempts at ‘humour’ were really low effort. Like you can tell its supposed to be a joke from how the scene plays out but you really cant tell what the joke was actually supposed to be. Like the sort of “knock knock” “who’s there?” “i’m here!” jokes that kids make when they’re five. And ruining actual jokes by delivering them in the same stilted way, like the whole “the ship runs on smiles” scene could have been funny but it just plays out so weirdly devoid of all sense of comic timing?? And sora’s funny face is barely exaggerated cos they couldnt model it!

It sucks cos that scene was a great example of the ‘very wacky but also extra emotionally resonant’ kind of thing that this manga excels at! The context of that weird joke was that its the first time we see Sora completely devoid of all optimism, beating Traverse Town really is the finishing point of the very long tutorial, and the moment it all sinks in that his friends are gone and he doesnt know what to do. And for a guy who’se ENTIRE PERSONALITY so far has just been ‘nice, optimistic, and you the player can project whatever else you want on him’, it should have been a wham moment to see him fall down in exhaustion after all that and have a realistic human reaction to it all. And then it should have been really uplifting and established their immediate friendship when Goofy and Donald try their best to cheer him up, but like.. theyre fuckin stressed too so they dont know wtf they’re doing either. And Sora ends up actually laughing because his attempt to fake a smile is so god awful, and then they all fall about in one of those so-damn-stressed-that-everything-is-hilarious giggle fits, and Leon looks at them like they’re crazy. But it served its purpose of helping Sora feel optimistic again, not because it was actually funny but because it proves these guys care about him and he isn’t alone.

AKA EXACTLY THE TIDUS LAUGH SCENE IN FINAL FANTASY 10

i get so mad that it’s falsely blamed as a case of ‘bad dub voice acting’, when it was equally bad in japanese and the director fuckin PLANNED it to be bad! The characters in-universe end the damn scene by aknowledging its bad! Its just a fail of scriptwriting that they didnt make the intent of the moment clear before dropping the punchline, and it was animated so weirdly that it didnt really succeed at looking ‘intentionally bad’ but just.. bad. Exactly the same problem as the ‘ship of smiles’ face, for a scene that was supposed to deliver the same sad goddamn moment and instead went down in infamy!

Sneaking character development into a joke is a thing that requires a lot of actual skill, you shouldnt do it unless you’re gonna put the effort in to stick the landing. Steven Universe is the only show I’ve seen that consistantly succeeds at this, and the KH manga does a much better job than the game did. Even if, yes, admittedly, sometimes it flubs up and sticks jokes where they dont work, and actually ruins dramatic moments too. or just doesnt adapt dramatic moments at all and rushes through it cos they’re on a tight schedule. But I mean none of those moments fail as bad as the game’s occasional cringe, and the wacky style fits SO much better with the story that i can forgive those flaws! Plus they got way better as the series goes on, its only really KH1 that seems this rushed. And they actually added MORE dramatic moments to Days! I stopped reading the manga at the end of KH1 as a kid, and I started this whole rereading because I saw a page of Days where they (OH GODDD) turned one particular perosn’s death into legit traumatizing material. I don’t know why “I don't want to go” is such a simple way to burn your entire soul out. So if it started off good but flawed and turned into something even better than the games, HECK YEAH I’m gonna give it a second chance!

...sorry i went wildly offtopic there

Anyway I picked these pages to show cos its a good example of great jokes, how the jokes give more personality, and how they put more effort into personality in general and also the dark and dramatic stuff, which hits harder because its in such a fluffy adorable jokes manga.

Like you can see how Sora is more of a goofball and freaks out more and makes mistakes more, but also how when the fights arent playable they used it as a place to establish that Sora is actually way more intelligent than you thought, and his fighting style is physically weak but strategically skilled. Like he’s basically what Aqua ended up being?? And that’s way more endearing as a protagonist than just super overpowered destiny man where his only failures are because you the player are bad. Anf its also endearing to mix this genius strategist with a guy who’s EVEN MORE goofy oblivious and innocent, yknow? the genius ditz archetype! And also his cliche shonen hero obliviousness is.. well, less cliche. He reacts more like a real kid who’s just scared and out of his depth, and messes up when he tries to talk to the girl he has a crush on. It’s not like “harr dee harr, what is marriage, can you eat it?” unrealistic kinds of oblivious that only exist for the joke. Nah, relateable anxiety man! With goofier faces! I CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I PREFER THE GOOFIER FACES

And man the beginning is so more fuckin dramatic when we get all DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES and ACTUAL FACES SHOWING DESPAIR and DARKNESS POSSESSED RIKU LOOKIN REALLY FUCKIN SCARY and it fuckin goes so fast from wholesome jokes with ur crush to ABSOLUTE DEATH and cos sora reacts so much more like a normal lil kid you feel actually scared for him even though you know how the story is gonna go. He’s not an archetype of purity he’s just like any lil neighbourhood duderino that you’d see running errands for his mom on the weekend. HE’S TOO YOUNG FOR ALL THIS PRESSURE!! AND SCARY RIKU FACES!!!

And man they fuckin ACTUALLY SHOW SOMEONE GETTING THEIR HEART RIPPED OUT ONSCREEN! Thats a way better way of establishing the whole crux of the plot! When you’re playing the game you know that seeing someone turn into a heartless should be traumatic, but it doesnt focus long on it and you never get to see any of the victims before they turned, and you’re more focused on gameplay. You feel less powerless when you’re physically able to destroy those things whenever you want, there’s never a moment like this where someone dies in a cutscene and its out of your control. (Unless you count some heroic sacrifice scenes in kh2 but thats an entirely different kind of feeling, and they turned out to come back from the dead anyway.) Also wtf i cant believe they got away with showing a creepy pedo lady in a kids shonen! I mean it does make me feel a lot less sympathy for her getting killed, but I still feel super sad seeing Sora get traumatized by it!

ALSO

Cid is good.

The way they write him in the manga reminds me of Bardo from Black Butler? He’s a similar chain smoking grumpy dad figure who looks like harmless comic releif but has a bunch of hidden heavy artillery in his shitty kitchen for when he needs to protect his family. And it was extra badass (and hilarious) when he once actually used his bad cooking to assassinate someone?? tho it was via causing a flour explosion rather than it just being so shitty its poison

ANYWAY IM GOING OFFTOPIC IN MANY WAYS

this mang is gud

also lookit how cute the baby destiny trio look in this style!!!

[simplybennnnett]

hi I am here to rant about how much I HATE that mack kept fitz's death from deke

so let's depict this line by line... starting from his conversation with daisy

~~~

Daisy: What have you been told?

Deke: Well, Mack was pretty cagey on the details-

~~~

deke has been gone for a while (being amazing)

so here's what we know:

he just found out everyone went to space

he probably thinks they went just cuz

mack told him about it

mack did not say anything about fitz in that moment

mack is the biggest jerk on the planet

no the universe

mack literally had a chance to tell deke. who cares if he left then, he's back now, he's here, just let him know where is only 2 family members are. it's literally not hard to say:

"hey, jemma and daisy went to space to go get fitz, because fitz didn't make it through the battle but there is another fitz in space and he is perfectly fine"

that's literally one of the easiest ways to say it

~~~

Mack and May are talking about something, Deke walks in:

Deke: Why didn't you tell me!?

Mack: *sighs* Might want to give us a minute.

May: *rolls her eyes* Gladly.

~~~

THIS!

mack was waiting for this conversation to happen

he knew eventually deke would find out and he just... didn't say anything?

please someone point out the logic

and don't say "it was just too hard for mack to talk about"

cause no.

it wasnt.

he has no problem talking about it now

and then there's may

deke walks into the room and sound so unlike deke

he's clearly mad

distressed

upset

you can hear it in his voice

this isn't deke coming to bother someone, this is deke legitimately looking for an answer. even if you don't know his question you can hear how serious he is. but may rolls her eyes and uuuggghhh her reaction just makes me so angry!

it's not hard to tell when someone is upset, I really don't understand why people cant get out of their pretty little heads to see that maybe they are not the only ones who have some problems

can you tell I'm sensitive on this subject???

~~~

Deke: Fitz died. He died, and no one was gonna bother to, I don't know, send me a text?

Mack: It was complicated-

Deke: Yeah, no kidding.

~~~

okay but it wasnt.

you know what is complicated:

fighting aliens

finding out you are an alien

losing a limb

losing TWO limbs

robots who are too human

time travel

time travel to the end of the world

THE END OF THE WORLD

things that aren't complicated:

texting a friend to tell him one of HIS ONLY FAMILY MEMBERS has died BUT it's okay because they have a way to get him back

it's not complicated. mack just didn't tell him. period.

~~~

Deke: Besides the fact that this completely proves my entire multi-verse theory 'cause I'm still here,

~~~

he was scared

deke was legitimately scared of what would happen if the time line changed

he probably spent all the time he was gone wondering if one day he would *poof* out of existance

he was scared

and he wouldn't have had to been if SOMEONE would have told him

~~~

Deke: -there's a second Fitz! And-and you sent a team out to find him, and you didn't tell me that either?! That's not complicated. That just sucks!

~~~

and he's right!

it does suck.

it would have taken mack 20 seconds tops to text him and that is the literal least he could have done

he should have said something

~~~

Mack: It was the call made at the time.

Deke: Well, maybe you shouldn't be making the calls because that was bad one.

~~~

okay I have like 3 things that I need to point out now:

1. mack made the call

mack made the call not to tell deke. maybe he consulted jemma, but honestly, I doubt it. jemma is such a family person she probably wasn't even thinking about anyone else but fitz at that point AND she probably assumed someone would tell deke maybe like *cough* the director who shouldn't be director *cough*

which leads me to the next point

2. he really shouldn't be making the calls

this is more toward the writers than it is toward mack

daisy should have been director. she has been loyal to shield and coulson longer than mack. she was there through the hydra problem, the alien problem, the outer space problem, the robot problem, and the time travel problem and she was closest to coulson right behind may. if not daisy then it should have been may. it should not have been mack. it just should not have been.

3. mack cannot come up with a justifiable reason as to why he didn't tell deke

OKAY AND NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE

he can't.

he doesn't tell him why he made the call he just says he does. deke had a right to know and mack didn't tell him and he had no reason to keep that from him. there was no reason.

~~~

Mack: It looked like you had other priorities besides being apart of this team.

Deke: Oh, this team? You mean the team that I helped bring back from the dystopian future?

Mack: Yeah, you did that. Then you left.

~~~

This makes me so mad.

I have to admit I had to read a Wikipedia article to remember the deke's story but even before I did that, I know that he did not grow up with a good childhood. he lived in a place where people killed each other for food. he lived in a terrible place with no trees no sky no nothing. he lived in the freaking middle of space. he lives in a place with blue aliens that constantly tried to kill them.

and then he comes to earth

and there's trees, and there's a sky, and there's everything.

people aren't always trying to kill him there's food everywhere, he finally has it all.

there's just one thing looming over his head

if the timeline changes, will he stay on Earth?

I don't know about you but if that question was on my mind constantly, you bet everything you own that I am out doing the most that I can before I spontaneously disappear.

deke had every right to leave.

he had every right to go live his life, to go build a company, to go see the world, to go experience things. he had every right.

and even then. Even if he didn't have the right to leave, mack still had no right to NOT tell deke.

deke was still a family member to fitz, he was related to him. that gives him a right to know!

anyway mack is a jerk lets move on...

~~~

Deke: I would have gone on the mission to help you find him.

Mack: I believe you.

~~~

you can tell he doesnt

he doesnt believe him. at this point he is doing anything he can to deflect the conversation away from him.

mack probably just forgot to tell deke, but instead of just owning up to that mistake, he is creating excuses and deflecting the conversation away from his own mistake by guilting deke and telling him lies.

he will do or say anything to get deke away and to have him stop pointing out his own mistakes

~~~

Mack: And if we get things settled here on the home front, you'll get your chance. 'Cause I'm gonna pour every resource we have into getting back out there and bringing them home.

~~~

if deke hadn't found out, I doubt mack would have given him this chance. he probably would have continued on life without him. mack does not believe the deke is capable of anything good. He's just saying this to make deke happy and to make him content.

~~~

Deke: *nods*

Mack: But... until then, I need someone smart enough to fill their shoes.

~~~

if you watch the scene closely, right before mack says this he kind of looks around, like he's trying to find something to give deke.

he wants deke off his back.

a part of me thinks that mack thinks the deke is a joke. I don't think deke could do anything to earn mack respect at this point.

~~~

Mack: Maybe you can put that google-sized brain of your to work and help crack this tech.

Deke: What, you tryin' to flatter me?

Mack: Absolutely

Deke: Well... totally worked.

~~~

and if he wasn't trying to flatter de ak, and deek didn't take it so lightly, I would think that Max was making fun of him. sorry. maybe this is a stretch. but this is what I got from this scene.

also maybe put this into perspective.

deke lived in a dystopian world where he had to steal things to be able to eat. The chances of survival were low and nobody liked him. everyone thought of him as a traitor but he was really just doing what he could to survive. I think that he would give anything for someone to tell him that he is doing something good.

I don't even live on an alien planet and I strive for people to tell me that I'm doing something good.

deke is not self-centered.

immature? yes.

naive? Yes.

but self-centered? no.

He's just looking for validation and acceptance. and nobody on this stupid team is giving it to him.

except for jemma

but she's in space so.

no wonder he builds such a big company with a good atmosphere. it's what he wants. it's the environment he wants.

~~~

so basically what im trying to say is mack is a jerk and i hate him... thanks bye ;)

[courtneyloouise]

Do what makes you happy

This is very different to my usual posts but here goes…

Today a new chapter begins. For those who don't know, today I move to Vancouver. I've been waiting for this day for two years so right now I'm ecstatic and terrified, but I guess that's what happens when you choose to follow your dreams and not take the easy and boring path. Ever since I arrived in Steinbach I've sworn as soon as I graduated I would leave, first that was Winnipeg then it was Toronto and then two years ago I stumbled upon a website called Blanche Macdonald Centre, claimed as the best makeup school in the country and was in Vancouver. I remember the website was really fancy and expensive looking and I thought I would never be good enough for that school but I kept stumbling across their website and seeing their name and I fell in love with the school so I applied. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I wasn't the kind of girl who settles for easy, im the kinda girl who settles for happy and accomplished. I knew I would have to move out right after I graduate, live on my own, get an apartment, fend for myself upon a million other tasks but I put my career first, I was already doing that by spending every waking hour in the salon. And I'm that moment I chose my career first knowing it wouldn't be easy but it would be worth it. I knew there was nothing else I wanted to do but be a makeup artist and I wouldn't be happy doing anything else, it was something in my mind I had to do. I had to do what makes me happy, I had to make my instructors proud, I had to go on and do great things and push through the struggles because this is what I was born to do and a boring life isn't fun. So I chose the hard thing, I chose my dream. A few months later they wanted to interview me so the following summer I flew out to Vancouver and toured the school. I fell in love with not only the school but the city of Vancouver it was the city of my dreams. I remember leaving the airport after landing in Vancouver and feeling the costal air, it reminded me of my hometown. Mere hours later I was walking around downtown, it was beautiful, the people, the buskers, the skyscrapers, the mountains. I knew I had to live there. A city on an ocean, what an amazing concept. The city was full of unique people, a word I strongly connected to after living in Steinbach a small world that was a very small old school town and I was always an outsider. I loved the idea of public transport (something Steinbach knew nothing of). Throughout those three days I was in wonderland and I never wanted to leave. On day three of my trip I visited Capilano suspension bridge and then stopped at the waterfront food court for lunch. I remember exactly I sat at a table for two while my mum went to go and get lunch, Chinese and Starbucks. I was amused because at the time my friend was obsessed with koreans and there was a few guys she would define to date so I was snap chatting her and sneaking pictures of them. I was in the middle of typing a message to her and my mum was putting the food on the table and then the moment I had been waiting for. An email from my admissions director. I had been accepted.me and my mum both screamed. So then after that my adventures around Vancouver went from 'I'm in love with this city I really hope I get accepted' to 'this is my future home' I wanted to live there immediately but I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to leave the people at home, Kyle, heather, and Roxy. And I wasn't ready to leave esthetics. After landing back in Winnipeg we were driving home and I though how dirty and muggy and disgusting Winnipeg looked compared to Vancouver and how I wish I was still there. So then I spent the next year preparing. The past year so far has been the best year of my life, and hopefully it gets even better. It wasn't always easy, and not everyone always supported me. I don't know if it was jealousy or what but countless times I've been called typos for making this decision and selfish. People have told me that I'm selfish for moving out and going to school in Vancouver because according to those small town folk I have to stay close to my parents forever according to people who have never travelled further than this town, and don't ever plan to. By people who want to be married straight after high school and have kids in the next few years. Well to that I say I'm sorry I'm putting my career first, I'm sorry I have goals so instead of living in my parents basement for the rest of my life I'm going to make them proud, while you're working a basic small town job, probably at McDonald's in five or ten years. I started preparing myself mentally and emotionally. Mentally for living on my own right after I graduate but emotionally for leaving the place that had made me so happy and brought me here, to becoming a makeup artist. I'm happier than I've ever been. Except right now. This summer has been the most stressful two months of my life but I know it will be worth it. I'm working ten times harder than any other student attending bmc because I'm working for everything. I don't get this given to me. I worked hard with my instructors and for my esthetics licence and I applied to every single bank in town and got denied a student line of credit. And that's why I'm leaving a month before school starts. I'm going to work my butt off to get a job hopefully I pray to pay for my fees because right now I don't even have the money for that. But I'm going to work hard because I'm a fighter and I'm persistent and this is my life and then in years when this is all worth it and I'm living my childhoods dreams I will be able to say that I worked for it and earned every penny, or dime since penny's are long gone. So here I am. Scared shitless, ecstatic, terrified and unbelievably excited. I'm gonna do this and it's not gonna be easy but I'm going to do it because the best things in life is not easy and I won't give up.

[theconservativebrief]

The first part of “The School Shooting” is called “First hour of my last day.”

“I already knew the day would be hell,” the anonymous first-person narrator tells us. The day proceeds like a regular one until an intercom announcement sends the school into lockdown: There’s a shooter in the building. The narrator comforts his sobbing girlfriend, telling her everything will be okay as they hide in their classroom. As the faceless shooter approaches, the narrator attacks him, taking down the shooter and saving lives, but taking a stray bullet in the process:

But as he hit the ground

His gun hit the ground

Im scared the bullet rushes out

Though this story is short — just a scant four pages — it’s representative of what you find when you delve into the hundreds of school shooting stories being written on Wattpad, perhaps the most quietly influential website you’ve never heard of.

On the behemoth self-publishing platform, the most popular stories — typically romance and fanfiction — boast YouTube-level traffic, amassing hundreds of millions of views, or “reads.” Despite a huge audience reach and enjoying the patronage of Handmaid’s Tale author Margaret Atwood, Wattpad habitually flies under the mainstream radar; its most notable achievements to date are launching the One Direction fanfic turned best-seller After and galvanizing the Filipino film industry with a string of movie adaptations of Wattpad stories.

Wattpad’s relative obscurity probably has something to do with its main demographic of teens and preteens. But lately, the kids on Wattpad are contributing, in their own way, to a very mainstream national conversation — by churning out stories about school shootings.

The “hot” category of school shooting fiction on Wattpad is a mixed bag. Scroll past a host of stories related to Columbine and its shooters and you find a Voltron fanfic, a Criminal Minds fanfic, and a fic about a school shooting involving the bands Leathermouth and My Chemical Romance. There are romances built around the drama of a school shooting, as well as more traditional horror stories. And then there are other stories. One claims to be an account of a real school shooting threat; many more present terrifying fictional accounts of what a potential school shooting might be like.

There, on a site usually dedicated to painting innocent fantasies about being Harry Styles’s girlfriend, teens and preteens are living through a culture so dominated by guns that fears of their schools going on lockdown and fantasies of martyring themselves to save their friends have seeped into the stories they tell.

The school shooting stories on Wattpad involve characters of all ages. They’re bright and bubbly sixth-graders on their first day of school. They’re seniors in high school prepping for homecoming, college, or prom.

The incidents nearly always start in one of two ways — with the popping sound of gunshots and screams coming from a hallway, or with intercom announcements putting the school on lockdown or into a Code Red: “This is not a drill.” The students nearly always wind up fending for themselves, either because the teachers are absent or because they are quickly dispatched with bullets. Inevitably, students wind up alone, unarmed and unaided.

These stories meticulously catalog potential hiding places. Bathroom stalls are the most popular by far, but there are also crannies in classrooms, storage closets, people-size lockers, kitchens. Then there are the surreptitious escape routes: second-floor windows and little-used cafeteria exits. Fear of being caught out in the open looms large: In one story, three sixth-graders get trapped in an empty classroom with no way out and no protective cover that’s able to hide all three of them. The story ends there, on an incomplete cliffhanger.

The identities of the shooters rarely matter in school shooting fiction; when the shooters are given attention, they tend to comment on the anxieties of school life and the pressure to perform. In one story, a school shooter’s attempt to explain how hard the pressure of his life has been is so compelling that after he dies, the narrator picks up the gun and continues the shooting spree himself.

In another story, a new girl turns out to be an obvious misfit who can’t make friends and takes her revenge on her classmates. Usually, however, the shooters are faceless, rarely given characterizations or even names — they’re classic horror villains, described as crazy, insane, mental, psychos, maniacs, or simply weirdos. As one story notes, “No one knew who it was. Frankly, no one cared.”

The exception to this rule is that of the Columbine fanfic. This is the most popular variant of school shooting fiction on Wattpad, to the extent that it almost functions as a separate genre. Modern teens continue to be fixated with Columbine, but most of the 800 stories associated with Columbine on Wattpad are more properly a form of what-if fanfiction that attempts to love, redeem, or empathize with the Columbine shooters. That sets Columbine fic well apart from most other Wattpad fiction, which is concerned with processing theoretical shootings that haven’t happened yet.

In most of these other fics, the emphasis is almost always on the victims and the survivors — and the horror scenarios they do and don’t survive. The main characters frequently get shot; their friends and siblings frequently end up dead or seriously injured. In one story, the captain of the cheerleading squad survives a school shooting by playing dead beneath the body of her best friend:

People screamed. I screamed. Bullets flew out of guns. Camila slumped on top of me, knocking me in to the ground. I was lying on the ground, Camila on top of me. There was a hole in her head. Her brains were on the wall behind us.

“Imagine,” reads the summary of one story. “Imagine a shooter coming to your school to kill as many people as he can before he turns the gun to himself. Imagine what horrors, what fear would arise among you. Even more frightful, imagine what it would be like for that person to be you.”

“Of course,” reads one story, told from the perspective of two sixth-grade girls. “This is how we die.”

As stories of teenage angst tend to do, these stories rely on an awareness of the fragility of life. They draw on the heady emotion and melodrama of death, tragedy, and terror. In this sense, as child psychologist Ellen Braaten told me, they’re built on longstanding tropes.

Braaten, the associate director for the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital, described the school shooting genre of fiction as being similar to the way a teen might glamorize going through the experience of having cancer, dying young, or living during war — in essence, “making something romantic out of something really scary and awful.”

“When you’re really feeling afraid, one way to gain control is to tell the ghost story yourself”

Braaten speculated that these stories are “about students putting themselves in a situation they feel like they’re in … working through their inevitable worst fears.”

It’s no secret that teens are drawn to gritty, angsty stories fraught with life-or-death scenarios. Entire genres of young adult fiction cater to this tendency, from 13 Reasons Why to The Fault in Our Stars to Ellen Hopkins’s entire best-selling oeuvre, which covers a range of dire teen issues from drugs to suicide.

It’s not really even new that kids are writing this kind of story themselves; lots of kids with access to a pen and a notebook have scribbled angsty existential missives somewhere inside them. The advent of the internet has just made sharing those feelings with other teens easier than ever. On Wattpad, which gained its massive underground success primarily as a mobile reading and publishing app, teens and preteens publish and view each other’s fiction by the millions. On Wattpad, a search for “cancer” generates more than 100,000 results; one of the most popular cancer stories has nearly 30 million views.

What does seem new, though, is that teens are working through their fears and anxieties about life and death using school shootings as the setting. In essence, teens and preteens who have grown up with the real possibility that they could live through (or die in) a school shooting have incorporated this reality into the kind of cathartic angst fiction usually reserved for more typically deleterious fare — a cancer scare, a plane crash, drug use, or suicidal ideation.

“Art is a place where we displace our worst fears and wishes,” Braaten said. “Anytime you’re putting something like this out there, it’s because you want to be heard. I think this is a wonderful outlet for students and teens to sort of work through one of their worst fears.” And Wattpad, she noted, is a place where “they can do it anonymously and quickly.”

What’s perhaps even more telling than the amount of fiction where the school shooting is the focal point of the story is the amount of fiction where it isn’t. Disturbingly, school shootings often form the mundane backdrop of stories with completely different plots. In many stories, the event of a school going on lockdown is just a boring part of a student’s everyday life. In multiple stories, there ultimately is no shooting, and the threat dissipates into a boring, wasted couple of hours for the students.

In several stories, the lockdown is used as an excuse for a romantic meet-cute. One, a fanfic about YouTubers Jake Paul and Erica Costell, uses a school shooting as the backdrop for a budding romance. Written in the wake of the Parkland shooting, it has Jake noting, “Us cuddling during the Code Red was amazing but sad at the same time.”

In these stories, the need to romanticize tragedy becomes very literal, a way of fantasizing about the heightened emotional connection felt at such moments while simultaneously grappling with the potential for loss of life, for instantaneous separation from their beloved.

Criminal psychologist Arthur Lurigio described the catharsis of this kind of fiction as similar to that of a horror film. “It’s scary but it’s not scary — it’s not real. Where you’re a little bit scared, a little bit excited, but the outcome is not going to hurt you.” Lurigio pointed out that these genres of school shooting fic are all about control for the students. “When you’re really feeling afraid, one way to gain control is to tell the ghost story yourself.”

Controlling the narrative seems to be a main point of these stories. “This writing has a sense of empowerment, of being able to control what’s uncontrollable and baffling,” Lurigio said. “Think about the degree of vulnerability these kids are feeling in general, and it’s being expressed now in a way it’s never been expressed before.”

Lurigio told me the school shooting fiction could be seen as a basic form of therapy for students. “In working with patients, we have them diary, writing about their lives and thoughts and scenarios, and using that as a tool in therapy. This may be a way to process school shootings and give kids a false sense of control. They’re the ones who are the masters of what happens and doesn’t happen.”

We can see that need for control in a very direct sense. One story is a first-person account of the 2012 shooting at Perry Hall High School in Baltimore, by a user purporting to be a student who was then in attendance. (The user did not respond to my requests for verification or comment.) “‘Please let everybody be okay’ was the only thought going through my mind,” she wrote. “I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something like this could happen at my school; the school that I had always felt so safe in.”

The difference in tone and focus between this student’s mostly matter-of-fact description of living through the event and the highly fantastical, dramatized versions many of the teen writers are imagining is striking. “I thought about every ‘What If’ question possible,” she writes about her reaction after the event. Eventually, she says, “I stopped asking myself these questions,” because she realized there was no point to asking them after the fact.

In a sense, then, the emergent school shooting genre seems to have come about because students are running through all of these potential “what if” scenarios well before they play out in reality. It’s not only about control; it’s also arguably a means of preparedness.

Looking at these stories from this angle, it’s hard not to find them devastating. One story, “School Shooting,” is written by a user with the word “unicorn” in their handle, from the point of view of a sixth-grader; the author told me that they wrote the story following the school shooting in Parkland, Florida, as a way of paying homage to the bravery of the Parkland students.

It’s practically a litany of survival scenarios playing out in high-drama action-adventure form. It shows kids working together as an ensemble to thwart, undermine, and escape the shooter. After their teacher is dispatched, they grab weapons and turn them on their attackers. They run for exits only to find them locked, so they turn to windows instead. On the playground, the narrator spots “a little kid crying”:

She had a bullet shot in her leg.

“Cmon ride on my back.” I said

“I can’t. It hurts.” she said

I decided to carry her. Good thing she was light.

Wattpad skews young. The company claims 90 percent of its users are millennials and Gen Z; a majority are girls and women between the ages of 13 and 24. It’s reasonable to assume that the ages of these characters reflect the ages of their writers. And so we have 11- and 12-year-olds writing about disaster preparedness, noting fire exits, psyching themselves up to leap out of windows, and looking out for kids younger than them — all while envisioning themselves as essentially abandoned by an older generation. Remember, there are hardly ever adults in these stories, not in the moments when it counts.

“It’s as if the statement is: Adult world, you have not taken care of us, you continue to not take care of us,” Lurigio told me. “The kids are the ones who are leading, not adults, and that’s a role change.”

Lurigio explained that it’s important to consider that these stories are expressions of real trauma — not lurid, far-fetched fantasies. “[School shootings] have lasting impact, not only on the victims but on kids who see it on the media over and over again. After 9/11, we had what we described as concentric circles of trauma. They have vicarious victimization. I think seeing this on the news over and over again absolutely is a micro-trauma to the kids who are not part of it.

“So this is akin to 1950s campfire storytelling,” he said. “But this is much more serious, with life-altering consequences.”

One fic, “The Gunman,” chronicles the day of a school shooting by jumping through the points of view of multiple characters. “I would never get married, have kids,” one thinks when encountering the shooter. “I’d never buy my own house, get my own car, or even learn to drive! The husky I dreamed of getting one day would never happen.”

But not all the stories are hopeless. Many of them are about students finding their own power and changing things for the better. Jade, a.k.a. xxjademariexx, is a freshman at a New Jersey high school. Her story, “After the Shooting,” depicts a group of high school students who mount a successful gun control protest in their state after a terrifying attack on their school. “I wrote about this because gun violence is a major thing in this country that no one wants to talk and hear about,” she told me. “It also needs to be talked about more than it is.”

Jade said that few within her community support gun control. “They’re all super conservative and think more guns is the solution for a safer country. I see it in a different light that may have been portrayed by my story.”

For Jade, the important aspect of her story isn’t the school shooting — it’s the aftermath. “There’s always that fear that a shooting will happen,” she said. Writing the story allowed her to express not only that fear but also a political stance she can’t always communicate in real life.

“I want to change everything,” she writes as her story ends. “I want everyone to be safe and not fearful. I want to stop school shootings like Sandy Hook and Stoneman Douglas and all the ones in between and before. I want to stop police from killing people by the color of their skin. I want to stop the suicide rate from going up by guns. I know this country will never be perfect, but I really do want to make America great again. We will be the generation to make America great again.”

Javier Zarracina/Vox

Original Source -> The kids are writing school shooting fiction

via The Conservative Brief

[myheart-elsewhere]

im bored pt3 || 11/22/17

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick

2. What is home to you? i havent yet figured that out

3. What was the last lie you told? that i was doing great lol

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? for the most part

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? there are hella creepy toys tbh

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. most the shit i do is unacceptable but its whatever.

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn’t mix them up.)  1: using a cell phone bc it can be hard to teach adults how to use them lol. 2: seeing a color vs describing it

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? probably in school idk

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? over 15..

10. If humans didn’t evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? talking excitedly about what made us happy

11. How many romantic “things” or “flings” have you had? depends on how serious you mean, so between 2 and 5.

12. What is your paradise? lisetning to music

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) i like the sound of nails tapping on something

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? hopefully none

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? you can stay in touch with loved ones. 

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? oh jesus here we go. first off, yes- i care about quite a few celebrities. they can make us feel a happiness like no other. if you’re having a bad day, all you need is to hear their voice and the pain goes away. they speak on things that are important and meaningful. they can be our inspirations and role models. when they have a new interview, song (or movie or something else.. whatever your favorite celebrity does) it always gives us something to look forward to. they make you feel less alone. they make you feel loved. i could keep going on but i have 134 more questions..

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? make plans then cancel last minute.

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? at times, but rarely. pros: it helps get your point across. cons: it can be annoying idk

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? guitar and piano

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? if im wearing makeup, yes. i dont have a good reason except that i like my makeup lol

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? im loving, forgiving, and supportive.

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? “be yourself”

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? currently, probably not.. im basically still a child myself.

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? listen to 5h

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? today at work

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? i can be both depending on the situation or social setting

27. What constitutes a good friend? them being there for you when you need them, being supportive in everything you do, and loving you unconditionally.

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? my one best friend. i miss her.

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? “do your homework.”

30. What is your dream job? movie director

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? hardworking bc at least you’re trying.

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? some people are shocked that im gay

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? why men can treat girls like items and/or their property and just throw them away when theyre done..

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? hm idk

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. theres been a few but the first one who comes to mind is this girl who talked about herself 24/7 and didnt care about anyone except for herself.

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don’t know. You can’t switch back. What do you do? try to figure out life and probably cry lol

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? can i do both?

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? school doesnt teach important classes lmfao

39. Name the last book you read. “trials and tribulations” 

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? i would feel empty..

41. When was the last time you made the first move? about a month in a half ago

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? i love it

43. What was the last movie you watched? i dont remember bc i rarely watch movies

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? sometimes

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? sometimes

46. When was the last time you cried? last night

47. What are you scared of? mostly irrational things

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? let’s not talk about that lol

49. What are some of your hobbies? reading, listening to music, doing my makeup, social media, and fangirling lol

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? idk bc im stupid and dont understand what superficial means lol

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i think im a good friend bc i always put others before myself and i do anything and everything i can to make them happy. and im always there for them.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? sometimes

53. What have you learned the hard way? how to lose someone you love

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? not rely on others to be your happiness

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) writing for sure

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? smart moments are rare for me

58. What is your ideal meal? steak and potatoes mmmmm

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? be on their phone

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? i love animals, specifially dogs

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? stealing 

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? si

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? youtube

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? supermario lol

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today’s society? everyone views it differently. in my personal opinion, ever since the word “thick” got popular around 2 years ago, more people are apprecating that and not focusing on being “super model thin” which i think is great.

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? hell nah. if i have school, around 6am. if i dont have school, around 10am

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? HERCULES!!!!!! meg

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? def city

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? either or

70. What are the best things about winter? COOL WEATHER

71. What scares you most about the future? idk what it holds

72. What makes you feel old? when i realize HSM came out over 10 years ago.

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? too many

74. What are some of your New Year’s resolutions? havent even thought about it bc they never happen lol

75. What is your life story in 6 words? i am really really gay bro

76. Describe yourself in one word. fangirl

77. What bad habits do you do? give out too many chances

78. What genre of music do you listen to? mostly pop, but i listen to a lot of different genres

79. Most prominent childhood memory? getting doughnuts with my dad every saturday mornning

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don’t, how would this change your life? i have a brother who is 20 years older than me. he lived in ohio and right after i was born my parents and i moved to florida. i only get to see him like once a year. it’s really sad. i think of him more as a distant uncle than a brother. but he always has done everything he can to make me happy and i appreciate that so much.

81. Spirit animal? jaguar

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? not really

83. What is the worst advice you’ve ever been given? ive been given so much bad advice i cant pick one specific thing lol

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. my best friend liv, my aunt lori, and lauren jauregui

85. Favorite memory of your family. being in ohio this past summer staying up til 2am with my parents, my brother and his fiance just telling stories and laughing our asses off.

86. What do you look for in a relationship? affection

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? yes, lauren jauregui. i love everything she stands for.

88. What is your opinion on social media? i love it. it’s what keeps you close with family/friends who live in different states or countries for that matter.

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? both, but im mostly optimisitic.. well i try to be at least

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? CONCERT TICKETS

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? getting lost outside in the middle of n where after jingle ball 2015

92. What superpower would ruin the world? reading peoples minds tbh

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? smoke

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? i cant think of any rn

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? ohio to see my family

96. How do you approach people? i.. just.. do..

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? sometimes they change

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? bite my nails

99. What languages can you speak? english and quite a bit of spanish

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? who knows

101. What do you do on your lazy days? lay in my pjs, play on my phone and listen to music

102. What ended your last relationship? it wasnt an actual relationship, but she couldnt make up her goddamn mind and she wanted to be a fuckgirl

103. Favorite food? sushi and steak

104. What is the most terrifying dream you’ve ever had? oooo lets not talk about that..

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? 3 days  ago

106. What was the last friendship you broke? one of my “best friends” bc she didnt like that i was friends with someone she didnt like

107. Do you have any pet peeves? people chewing with their mouth open

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? my papa

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? last week

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? that i procrasinate everything

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? lauren jauregui

112. What is your biggest motivation? my best friend

113. What did you want to be when you were little? a veternarian lol

114. What are some things that you are good at? makeup

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? singing lol

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you’re trying to work? probably my phone although i don’t want to admit it lol

117. How important is privacy to you? pretty important.. but it depends on who we want privacy from

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? everyone being nice to each other

119. What’s the craziest lie you’ve ever told? i trust no one so that stays to myself for my own well-being

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? i dont go to parties

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? show off on a skateboard lmao

122. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to impress someone? told them i have a pt cruiser but thats not even a nice car lmao

123. What is your morning routine? on a typical school day: wake up, check my phone, do my hair/makeup, get dressed, eat then leave.

124. What’s the last thing you did that is worth remembering? made a good sale at work today and it was my first day of my first job.

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? both but mostly help me.

126. What is your opinion on playing “hard to get?” its stupid

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? pros: you dont have to be afriad of not being honest. cons: it could make someone really mad at you.

128. What do you consider “leading” someone on? telling them you like them and consistenly flirting with them.

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? they try to make me happy

131. What do you admire most about your family? they want the best for me

132. What is your opinion on “going with the flow?” ehh stand out, be different

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? i enjoy talking, but i almost always listen

134. When is it time to end a friendship? when they become a selfish little bitch

135. What is the worst excuse you’ve ever come up with? the excuses i make up to get out of going to school

136. If GPA didn’t matter, what courses would you have taken? idk im not interested in school

137. What are your favorite baby names? paris

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? few days ago

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? checking your phone

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. turn ons: confidence (but not cockiness), being outgoing, being able to have a conversation, and a good fashion sense (fashion sense in my opinion haha). cons: ooo being conceited and only talking about yourself.

141. Biggest disappointment. me lmao

142. Do you have any self-restraint? i do.

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? last week

144. Prized possession(s)? honestly, my phone. and a bracelet my best friend gave me,

145. What is your opinion on second chances? most people deserve it.

146. Text or call? depends on the person tbh

147. What do you like about the 21st century? it has social media

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? stay strong, babygirl. youre gonna go through a lot in the next 5 years, but you need to be strong and know you will fight through it all and come out stronger than you were before. nothing is what it seems. nothing lasts forever. expect the least and you’ll get the best. and remember, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

149. How organized are you? too organized. 

150. Favorite mode of transportation. car

[susannahcrane27-blog]

FROM THE BEGINNING

FROM THE BEGINNING...

I WAS INCARCERATED AND HELD WITHOUT BOND IN THE LOUDON COUNTY ADULT DETENTION CENTER ON JUNE 24, 2012 FOR 8 MONTHS BEFORE BEING GIVEN THE “NGRI PLEA” WHICH STANDS FOR “NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY.” I DID NOT ACCEPT THIS PLEA VOLUNTARILY NOR HAD ANY IDEA WHAT IT PERTAINED TO, I WAS ILLEGALLY GIVEN THIS PLEA FOR THE CHARGE OF ELUDING THAT OCCURRED IN MARCH OF 2011.THE LAW STATES THAT IN ORDER TO BE GIVEN THE, “NGRI OFFENSE” OR PLEA; I WOULD HAVE HAD TO BE EVALUATED AT THE TIME OF THE OFFENSE, IN WHICH I WAS NOT. THEY WAITED TO GIVE ME THIS PLEA  IN FEBRUARY OF 2012 ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR LATER. THIS WAS A  COMPLETE VIOLATION OF MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. THIS WAS UNLAWFUL FOR THE COURT SYSTEM AND THE JUDGE TO WAIT ONE MONTH SHY OF  A YEAR BEFORE GIVING ME THE “NGRI PLEA.” THIS WAS CRIMINAL ON BEHALF OF THE COURT SYSTEM. THE REASON THEY GAVE ME THIS PLEA… ALL THE PHONES IN THE JAIL THAT ARE MADE ACCESSIBLE TO THE INMATES, ARE TAPED AND MONITORED  FROM WITHIN THE JAIL. I HAD AN ACCIDENT THAT REQUIRED ME LEAVING THE JAIL TO GO TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM ON AUGUST 2, 2012. THERE WAS AN INMATE IN JAIL WITH A STAFF INFECTION THAT WAS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS THUS CAUSING ONE OF THE DEPUTIES TO USE AN ENTIRE LARGE BOTTLE OF BLEACH TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF THIS INFECTION. I WAS THEN GIVEN THE RIGHT TO TAKE A SHOWER AND AFTER I ENTERED THE SHOWER, I WAS LOCKED IN THE SHOWER AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED FEELING CRAMPS IN MY GROIN AREA, THE AMOUNT OF BLEACH USED TO CLEAN THE JAIL SHOWER WAS SO INTOXICATING THAT I FAINTED FOUR TIMES TO MY KNOWLEDGE TRYING TO GET TO THE COLD WATER. I ENDED UP WITH A HUGE CHUNK OF FLESH HANGING FROM MY ELBOW AND I HAD AN IMMEDIATE HEADACHE AND THE LUMP ON MY HEAD WAS HUGE. I WAS THEN TAKEN OUT OF JAIL IN SHACKLES AND CHAINS TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM TO GET 10 STITCHES IN MY ELBOW. I KEPT ASKING THE DOCTORS AND OR THE NURSES TO FEEL THE HUGE LUMP ON MY HEAD. THEY DID NOT AND EXPLAINED TO ME IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM THAT THE JAIL JUST ORDERED X-RAYS ON MY ELBOW. TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE A PARTIAL BUMP ON MY HEAD FROM THAT FALL IN THE JAIL SHOWER OVER 4 YEARS AGO. I HAVE NEVER HAD IT CHECKED OUT NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN GIVEN AN MRI.AS I WAS RETURNED TO THE JAIL AND SENT TO BACK TO MY CELL UPON MY RETURN FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I WAS EVENTUALLY CALLED BACK TO MEDICAL TO HAVE ONE OF THE NURSES REMOVE MY STITCHES AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT WHEN THE NURSE REMOVED THEM. I ENDED UP WITH A SERIOUS INFECTION THAT CAUSED ME TO BE SENT TO MEDICAL FOR OVER ONE MONTH AS THE NURSE HAD TO DRAIN FLUID WITH HER HAND BY SQUEEZING MY ARM ON A DAILY BASIS. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. AS I WAS HELD IN MEDICAL THE SMELL OF EXHAUST WAS COMING IN ON A DAILY BASIS BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO THE GARAGE WHERE ALL THE DEPUTIES VEHICLES WERE STORED. MONTHS  LATER WHILE STILL BEING HELD WITHOUT BOND IN JAIL, I STARTED LOSING MY EYESIGHT TO THE POINT WHERE THE FEMALES UNIFORMS THAT WERE WHITE AND ORANGE STRIPED STARTED TO BECOME ONE BIG  BECOME ONE BIG ORANGE BLUR. I THEN CALLED MY ATTORNEY’S OFFICE FROM THE INMATE PHONE AND GOT MY ATTORNEY’S ASSISTANT. I ASKED HIM IF HE COULD PLEASE RESEARCH THE LOSS OF VISION RELATED TO A HEAD INJURY. HE ASSURED ME HE WOULD AND TOLD ME TO CALL BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY. I DID JUST THAT ONLY TO HEAR HE NEVER CAME IN TO THE OFFICE THE FOLLOWING DAY. I WAS CONCERNED AND UPON CALLING THE FOLLOWING DAY I GOT MY ATTORNEY ON THE PHONE. I ASKED HER WHAT HER ASSISTANT FOUND OUT AND ALL SHE HAD TO SAY TO ME WAS, “LOOK, IM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR BUT I HAVE A GREAT DEAL FOR YOU TO TAKE THAT WILL DROP ALL CHARGES. I WAS SOMEWHAT ECSTATIC AND DESPERATE TO EXIT THE LIVING HELL I WAS FORCED TO ENDURE FOR SO MANY MONTHS DURING MY INCARCERATION WHERE I WAS HELD ON CHARGES WITHOUT CONVICTION. SHE TOLD ME I WOULD BE SENT FOR 45 DAYS OR LESS TO BE EVALUATED AT CENTRAL STATE HOSPITAL. I SAID, “YOU MEAN I CAN GO HOME IN POSSIBLY EVEN 30 DAYS.” SHE SAID SURE POSSIBLY AFTER YOU GET EVALUATED. I WAS SO EXCITED BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME AND BE WITH MY FAMILY, DESPERATELY. I HAD ALREADY LOST MY MOTHER ON AUGUST 28, 2012 AND WAS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO GO TO MY OWN MOTHERS FUNERAL. THIS SADDENED ME SO.I CRIED EVERY NIGHT WHILE I WAS HELD IN JAIL WITHOUT BOND. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS WAS HAPPENING TO ME. THE 45 DAYS THAT MY ATTORNEY SAID I WOULD BE HELD FOR EVALUATION, TURNED INTO 8 TORTUROUS MONTHS OF THE WORST KIND OF “HELL ON EARTH.” I WAS LITERALLY ASSAULTED 7 TIMES WITH EACH ASSAULT BECOMING MORE VIOLENT THAN THE ONE BEFORE. I WAS 3 HOURS AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND SO SCARED ON A DAILY BASIS. THERE WERE NO CONSEQUENCES WHAT SO EVER FOR THE ACTS OF VIOLENCE DONE TO ME BY OTHERS AT CENTRAL STATE HOSPITAL. I GREW UP IN A FAMILY THAT WAS NEVER EXPOSED TO THIS KIND OF VIOLENCE. I HAD MET EVERY PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM NIXON WITH THE EXCEPTION OF OBAMA. I HAD BEEN TO THE WHITE HOUSE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE VISIT THEIR IN-LAWS. I WAS THE SMALLEST WOMAN IN CENTRAL STATE HOSPITAL AND SPENT ALL MY TIME DOING WORD FINDS AND JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. MY EYE WAS PRACTICALLY CLOSED SHUT AFTER THE 7TH ATTACK BY ONE OF THE CRIMINALLY INSANE PATIENTS BEING HELD THERE ALONG WITH ME. I WAS GIVEN A TREATMENT TEAM, CONSISTING OF A PSYCHIATRIST AND A PSYCHOLOGIST. THE PSYCHIATRIST WAS ON A CONFERENCE CALL WITH LOUDON COUNTIES FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGIST AND EXPLAINED TO HER WITH ME PRESENT, THAT HE SAW NO SYMPTOMS OF THE MENTAL ILLNESS DIAGNOSIS, BI-POLAR THAT LOUDON COUNTY HAD PLACED UPON ME 8 MONTHS EARLIER BEFORE SENDING ME TO CENTRAL STATE HOSPITAL. I WAS THEN PICKED UP BY THE DEPUTIES OF LOUDON COUNTY TO APPEAR ONCE AGAIN BEFORE THE JUDGE. I SHOULD HAVE IMMEDIATELY BEEN RELEASED BY THE JUDGE IN THE LOUDON COUNTY COURTROOM WHEN I WAS FOUND TO HAVE NO MENTAL ILLNESS. I HAD NEVER IN MY 50 YEARS PRIOR TO MY ARREST, EVER BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS. TO THIS DAY ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME WELL WOULD NEVER, EVER SAY THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG OR CRAZY GOING ON WITH MY MENTAL HEALTH. THIS SHOULD HAVE CONSTITUTED AN IMMEDIATE RELEASE THROUGH THE LOUDON COUNTY COURT SYSTEM. INSTEAD, THE JUDGE SENT ME TO ANOTHER EXTREMELY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT AS A MATTER OF FACT, THE MOST DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA. IT WAS A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL NAMED, “NORTHERN VIRGINIA MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE.” THERE I WAS HELD WITH SO MANY MURDERERS, ARSONISTS, PEDOPHILES ETC. IN THE COURT ROOM AFTER A 16 MONTH HOLD ON MY LIFE WITHOUT MY FREEDOM BY THE JUDGE IN LOUDON COUNTY I WAS SENT TO, “NVMHI” AND UPON ENTRY I WAS NOW GIVEN, DIAGNOSIS NUMBER 2. “PTSD.” AFTER BEING HELD FOR ANOTHER 8 MONTHS IN THIS INSTITUTE, I CONTACTED THE PATIENTS ADVOCATE WHO ASSURED ME I COULD BE EVALUATED BY THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE TO GET AWAY FROM WHAT I CONSIDERED TO BE A, “QUACK” FOR HE HAD PLACED ME ON A DRUG THAT I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE BECAUSE HE SAID THE JUDGE WOULD NOT RELEASE ME WITHOUT BEING ON MEDICATION. WELL I DID MY OWN RESEARCH AND FOUND WHEN YOU GIVW A SANE PERSON MEDICATION UNNECESSARILY, IT CAN LITERALLY CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE. THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR TOOK THE QUACKS DIAGNOSIS OFF MY HEAD AND I WAS ALSO GIVEN A NEW DOCTOR. A FEMALE THIS TIME WHO AFTER THE PTSD DIAGNOSIS WAS REMOVED FROM MY CHART THEY HAD TO PLACE ANOTHER DIAGNOSIS ON ME QUICKLY IN ORDER TO CONTINUE TO HOLD ME IN THEIR INSTITUTE. I WAS HELD FOR 2 YEARS AND 8 MONTHS IN THIS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND FILTHY ENVIRONMENT. I WAS PLACED ON MORE ANTIBIOTICS IN A 2 YEAR PERIOD THAN EVER BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE 50 YEARS PRIOR TO BEING COMMITTED TO A PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTE UNJUSTLY. MY FATHER PASSED AWAY WHILE I WAS HELD AT THIS INSTITUTE AND LIKE THE PASSING OF MY MOTHER I WAS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO GO TO MY FATHER’S  FUNERAL WHERE HE WAS GIVEN A “21 GUN SALUTE.”I WAS HIS FAVORITE AND HE WAS MY WHOLE WORLD. I ONLY GOT TO SEE MY FATHER TWICE IN 2 YRS AND 5 MONTHS BEFORE HE, LIKE MY MOTHER HAD PASSED AWAY. I SUFFERED MORE THAN ANY HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER HAVE HAD TO SUFFER. THE DEVASTATION AND LOSS OF MY PARENTS AND MY OVERALL FREEDOM WAS MORE SO UNBEARABLE.. I LAST REMEMBER MY FATHER SAYING THAT LOUDON COUNTY HAD VIOLATED EVERY ONE OF MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. THE LIST OF PERSONAL INJURIES CAUSED TO ME THROUGHOUT THE 4 YEARS I WAS HELD BY THE STATE OF VIRGINIA AND THE COUNTY OF LOUDON IS SO GREAT THAT I WOULD RATHER SHARE WITH YOU IN INCREMENTS AT A LATER DATE. I NEED EVERYONE WHO READS MY BLOG TO PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT MY PAIN AND SUFFERING THROUGH THE WORST KIND OF CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IS SO GREAT THAT THE STRESS AND ANXIETY THAT IT PLACES ON MY PSYCHE, IS SO GREAT I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT EVERYONE WHO READS ALL I HAVE WRITTEN SO FAR CAN BARE WITH ME BECAUSE ALL THAT I AM BLOGGING AT THIS TIME IS JUST THE, “TIP OF THE ICEBERG.”THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE OF ME THAT I CAN ONLY GET SO MUCH OUT AT A TIME. MY INTENTIONS FOR EXPOSING MYSELF IN SUCH A WAY IS MOST BENEFICIAL TO ME IN TERMS OF THE HEALING I AM DEALING WITH IN ORDER TO SURVIVE SUCH A VIOLENT AND TORTUROUS 4 YEARS WITHOUT MY FREEDOM. I FILLED A COMPOSITION BOOK EVERY MONTH FOR 4 YEARS AND IN THOSE BOOKS ARE DETAILED ACCOUNTS OF EVERY PAINFUL DAY I WAS FORCED TO ENDURE WHILE SUFFERING WITHOUT THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.  PLEASE DO NOT GRADE ME ON MY GRAMMAR FOR THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE HAS COMPLETELY DRAINED ME EMOTIONALLY. THERE ARE TOO MANY INCIDENCES TO MENTION INVOLVING A REVOLVING DOOR OF COMPLETE INJUSTICE DONE TO ME ON A REGULAR BASIS OVER THE PAST 17  YEARS OF MY LIFE AFTER MAKING THE MOVE FROM FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA. TO LOUDON COUNTY, VA.