#except the time where my choices got invalidated

[merrillapologist]

Fyodor sounds super cool! Could you tell me more about them?

oh boy. You’ve opened pandora’s box

Fyodor started as a Warden Amell, they were my shithead playthrough where I picked all the funny fucked up dialogue and did the fucked up choices (not the mage genocide but like, fucking the desire demon instead of saving Connor, poisoned ashes, etc) except I started making funny hcs about them and then accidentally got really attached to them and started making actually serious hcs about them until they stopped being a sillyfunny character for my bastard playthru and started being an actual oc

In their current iteration that’s developed through rp, Fyodor is the younger sibling of the Amell origin. They’re a half elven bastard who’s also related to the Lavellan origin on their dad’s side, and so when their mother disappeared and the rest of their siblings were taken to Circles, their stepfather kind of didn’t wanna deal with them, so he shipped them off to a friend in Tevinter. Lucky for them, they wound up being a magic prodigy and fairly quickly managed admission into the Minrathous Circle, but being raised in that cutthroat ass environment immensely fucked them up and made them really, really crave the fantasy of control and power over it. Eventually they caught the eye of a Magister who had produced no suitable heir and he began grooming them to be the perfect mage, getting them involved in his schemes and pretty quickly crushing whatever altruism and optimism they had left. But he did his job too well, because he was just a stepping stone to them, and Fyodor began slowly poisoning him, which presented as him falling ill - expected in his old age. Naturally, he named his prodigal student to be his heir, and Fyodor earned a seat in the Magisterium upon his death.

Anyways, come DA2, they find themself in Kirkwall to deal with the Tome of Koslun plot, and they quickly find that hey, they still have family in the city! One thing leads to another, and they end up getting pretty much adopted in the Hawkes. See, while they’re a domineering cunt in Tevinter, they know that doesn’t serve them in Kirkwall, so they let the mask down and present more as a silly zany cousin to the Hawkes. It’s actually kind of really good for them, gives them a break from the false niceties and backstabbing of Tevinter politics and lets them act like an actual person and be a little goofy and earnest from time to time. That, and they developed a big emptiness in Tevinter what with the huge importance placed on bloodline and familial ties, what with them not knowing their biodad’s side of the family at all, Revka being who knows where, and their siblings all being in Circles to their knowledge. So the Hawkes being blood relatives kind of fulfills that need, but the whole Kirkwall gang becomes a weird found family to them. That is to say, while they’re in Tevinter doing Magister business in between Acts most of the time, they wind up in Kirkwall as a companion for the main story beats to hang out.

Obviously, not a good person at all, and their friendly down to earth Kirkwall persona is just another mask. There isn’t really a real Fyodor, they have NPD like hell and don’t feel like they exist outside the perceptions of others, so every interaction is them bending to what they think their company wants them to be. Enter Fenris rivalmance because he’s the only one that really sees right through them, which is another thing that happened through rp pretty organically and kinda unexpectedly. I can talk about them in another post but TLDR: enemies to hatefucking to ghosting to husbands. They’re emotionally messy as fuck until Act 3 but not in a totally unhealthy way, just that they’re both unwell mfs who don’t deal with their issues like they’ve had 280 hours of DBT. It helps that, unlike the canon rivalmance, Fyodor doesn’t invalidate how Fenris feels ever, they actually really agree with a lot of his views on Tevinter and will openly tell Anders to fuck off and stop bothering him, which throws Fenris a lot but Fyo is really only in it for their own power and doesn’t actually like Tevinter, it’s just the only country where being a blood magic prodigy is grounds for rulership. Fyodor is a smug annoying little bastard, but they’re pretty respectful to him, his beef with them is more a moral revulsion to them. It takes time for Fenris to actually grow to trust Fyodor actually cares about him, but luckily, DA2’s time frame leaves room for that to happen. The hatefucking is because it’s a more mutually beneficial way to settle arguments, without any feelings attached until act 2-3 intermission except there very much are and both of them are in denial about it. Eventually they wind up together by act 3 :]

In DAI, Fyodor hears about the Venatori because they’re targeted for recruitment - they’re one of the most knowledgeable demonologists in Tevinter, and the Venatori need that. Except they know it’s bullshit, they think it’s horrific, so they join mostly out of morbid curiosity and for political partnerships with other Magisters in it while tipping off the Archon to their identities so he can hunt them for sport a la Magekiller. So when the Inquisition is founded, Fyo and Fen run off to join, Fyo as a quote unquote Venatori spy (except they straight up go to the Inquisition and up front say the Venatori want them to spy and arrange to be a double agent for Leliana instead) Basically in DAI they’re a very shady morally grey antihero playing both sides of the war but ultimately they want the Venatori out of Tevinter and they want to make the country better. They’re like a more self serving cunty morally loose Dorian basically. (They also happen to be catty exes with Dorian, fun story) Post game they end up being a founding member of the Lucerni!

Besides all that, some other fun details: They’re profoundly Deaf & autistic !! They communicate through sign language and they have a peppy apprentice named Minerva who travels with them to interpret for them and get in on their crazy magic bullshit. They have a lifelong special interest in entomology and publish research on local insects as a side hobby, all their outfits have some element of insectoid motif and they have big big hyperempathy for bugs because they were neglected by their adoptive father in Tevinter and it led to them having a really big love for “pests” and bugs most people overlook. They have a big love for roaches and they have pet hissers among other bugs :) They care for their pets more than anything and are very defensive of bugs in general. On more than one occasion they have genuinely deadass used blood magic to control the rest of the DA2 party to stop them from killing a bug. By the end of act 1 it’s a known fact that if you try to smash or step on a bug in their presence you Will get blood magic’ed into leaving it be while they take it outside. Also, loosely alluded to it in my tags for that other post, but they have a complex array of runes and sigils carved into their skin providing the effects of antimagic enchantments, mostly preventing blood magic use against them. It has the side effect of thinning the veil around them and making them kinda unnerving to be around to anyone sensitive to shifts in the veil.

TLDR: Silly goofy bitch Da2 fan companion who blood magicked and girlbossed their way into the Magisterium and winds up worming their way into the Hawkes’ hearts

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

This fic is rapidly becoming the Therapy AU for everybody.

(Note - this was started before Malevolent 30, so the tale diverges from 29 on)

——

Arthur laughs. “We should have come here sooner. A city full of madmen, and we fit right in.”

He’s walking a pinch faster than is perhaps wise, but he trusts John to tell him of any danger.

Even though… everything.

I am feeling bitter today, he thinks, and corrects his earlier thought: John hadn’t been taken. He’d left.

Arthur has no tools to deal with that betrayal. He understands, he does, that John did it to save him, because the King was breaking Arthur’s bones, because the King was hurting him so badly that all he could do was scream.

But Arthur had promised to protect him, to keep him safe. Arthur had gone through far worse than pain to do just that.

When John chose to leave, no matter the reason, it invalidated everything. The pain, the torture. The murder, the cannibalism. Everything.

What had been the point if John was going to roll over the moment it got bad?

That isn’t fair of Arthur, and he knows that, too, but he doesn’t know what to do about any of it.

He is a modern man of 1934. His only hope is that these things can and will be stuffed away forever, never surfacing, never felt. That’s what being a man meant: you did what you had to do.

Especially for your family. Especially for the one you love.

That one was John.

I can’t believe how beautiful it all is, John continues, child-like wonder softening his normally terrifying basso profundo.

Arthur smiles. “It’s quite marvelous, I know. I almost considered moving here, you know."

Why didn’t you? I’m sure there was plenty of work for someone with your skills.

“There was. But when I lived here, I was studying music, composing. And… I spent a lot of time with Bella here. So. No, I don’t want to live here again.”

Oh.

And just like that, the conversation stops because there are no safe stepping stones left in the water.

Because Bella meant Faroe. And music meant Faroe. Composing, especially, meant Faroe.

There would be no talking about Faroe.

Arthur ignores the little burnt part of his heart that responds to thoughts of his dead daughter, that still wants to murder Larson, that still wants to go back to that town and stab any presumed cultists in the head, that still wants to just hurt and hurt until there’s no one left to come after them.

It’s not good. He knows that. So he tries to push it away.

“Besides, it’s nicer in Arkham,” says Arthur, moving on. “It’s smaller, but there’s plenty of intrigue, and you don’t have to constantly watch for pickpockets.”

Pickpockets? John repeats, sounding absolutely offended.

“It’s why I tucked our money in such a safe place, John. Don’t worry.”

Disgusting.

“Desperate, honestly,” says Arthur. “Most of them would rather be doing anything else, but the Depression left them little opportunity. I’m lucky that neither of my career choices depended on things so easily ruined by a world at war.”

John sounds thoughtful. Stop here.

Arthur stops. Hears cars passing by. Waits, because John will tell him when it’s safe to go.

It seems like these are hard years for humans in general.

Arthur’s laugh is sharp. “They are. I’ve gotten to see the best of us; the kindest, the most generous, the most clever and creative. I’ve also gotten to see the worst. The most hate-filled, the greediest, the cruelest imaginable.”

Another beat of silence while John thinks whatever he thinks about human affairs. You can go now. Step down for the curb.

Arthur walks, and John is silent until it’s time for the next curb. Step up. So that’s where you were when my book came to you.

“Where I was?”

I’d wondered how you got to be where you were. After everything. After Parker helped you.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Mailbox. Two steps right.

Arthur adjusts accordingly.

I mean… it’s one of the things I think is so important about you. Your hope. The way you don’t give up on people.

Arthur can’t help but feel that’s pointed. “Except in the last few days, you mean.”

No, that’s not the same. That was… personal. I get it, Arthur. You think I don’t know killing Larson represents killing the part of yourself you blame?

Arthur stumbles.

Puts his hand out, finds a wall. Leans.

His heart hurts. Aches. Like it’s expanding, squeezing out his lungs.

Push past it, he thinks.

Arthur?

“Let’s change the subject.” Arthur tilts his head back against the crisp winter sun, enjoying the feel of daylight on his face, enjoying the cold breeze.

Trying to climb out of the place John just tripped him into.

Your throat scar shows that way, Arthur.

“Well, then they’ll just know I’m someone not to be fucked with,” says Arthur.

Also, I can’t see the sidewalk.

“Fine, fine. Sorry.” Arthur turns his face forward again.

And just like that, it’s over. Arthur certainly won’t be bringing it up again, and John is smart enough to let it go.

[chuuyanaurkahara]

how it's going

[mentalisttraceur-long]

What I find annoying is that many people will interpret this as a failure to generalize enough, but no - the way neurotypicals generalize is clumsy and awful and reliably frequently objectively wrong.

If anything, this particular bit of autism (except it is wrong to assume it is inherent to autism rather than just correlated with it) is just ... too much correct logic. A precision about not assuming that noticeable differences are irrelevant.

It's just that a young kid usually doesn't have the verbal skills to say "that looks like an apple, but it's green instead of red, so I think it might be also called an apple, but I just don't yet know if the word 'apple' covers both variants or if the green one is supposed to be called something else".

(By the way, in a proper context, that's the kind of discerning reasoning that would get you hired into a well paying job like software development.)

The kid might not even have introspection needed to consciously notice that the reason they are hesitant to overgeneralize is because they've probably had experiences in the past where the cognition that they would use to generalize from "(red) apple" to "green apple is also apple" or from "apple" to "apple in a bowl of fruit" produced a wrong generalization, and maybe they were hurt as a result of making that mistake.

The kid might not have the confidence to try to assert that! Especially because there are plenty of adults who routinely react in ways that actively discourage kids from trying to say stuff like that, either directly or more perniciously in the way that makes kids think "they are unlikely to understand what I have in my head if I try to word it".

There are plenty of adults who will still think even with this perspective given to them that it's wrong to have not generalized because they themselves don't get the correctness of the hesitation to generalize. Adults who have never questioned or looked past their own mental category of "apple" enough to notice just how different apples are. The visual difference between various apples can be as significant as the visual difference between a raspberry and a blackberry, or between broccoli and cauliflower, etc. But when was the last time a typical adult consciously minded that?

Worse, plenty of adults do idea-fitting so awful that unless the kid explains and justifies it perfectly, the adult will never do the minimum right thing of assuming the kid said something wise but with poor wording. It's an ethical obligation of every listener to consider what correct thing the speaker might have meant before assuming that whatever wrong thing we first parsed it as was actually what they meant. But it takes lots of experiences to recognize that we should do this, and lots of ongoing effort to do it.

Worse still, plenty of adults have no mental script for what to do if a kid points out an error in their world, and no systemic allowance to do anything about it even if they want to. Ever get a survey with multiple choice questions and you're like "this is an invalid set of answers" or you try to give them any nuance and they revert to a machine-like Kafkaesque "no no it has to be one of these answers"? Now imagine you're four years old and someone in a lab coat is doing that to you.

No Timmy, is it an apple or not? (I don't give a shit about how you think it's unsound to assume either way based on past experiences like when you got laughed at for referring to cauliflower as broccoli. I have a yes or no checkbox to fill on this form. Critically distinguishing between giving you the information you are missing and just giving you the answer is not something I'm being paid to do. I'm not about to go take this up with the lead researcher or with my own cognitive dissonance and sunken cost fallacy just because you pointed out something that invalidates this entire study.

Anyway, what this really reveals is that in real life there is such a thing as being too correct.

When the time and effort or information needed to be correct is high enough, people who use "good enough" clumsy mental heuristics that are sufficiently accurate will succeed more quickly and often on average. A few will screw themselves over and have bad outcomes, but so long as that minority is small enough, and we put paternalistic societal guard rails up for the most common pitfalls that result, it doesn't exert enough of a pressure.

Normal human development in particular relies on wrongness - lots of mental shortcuts which are correct just often enough to be a safe bet evolutionarily speaking.

If you have the right experiences or predisposition to get too correct (too logically careful, too unwilling to assume or naively trust or take on faith, even too knowledgeable in ways that are influential in the right way) too early, it will be one of the things that disrupts the precariously balanced process of human psychological development. And autism is ultimately an umbrella term for deflection off the normal mental development path. This is just one thing that can contribute to that happening.

Anyway, I just know there's going to be people who look at the above and think normie cognition is right for generalizing and that autistic cognition is wrong for failing to. And that just makes me livid. Because it's often the opposite.

[This has sat in my drafts since 2020-07-01 because I didn't feel like linking and tagging my terminology posts... still don't.]

to other autistics,

in case no one told you this before;

Autistic individuals can struggle with learning to do things because of a lack of intuition. However, even if you learn to do something if the circumstances around the event change you may lose your ability “to know” to do something. 

A personal example from my own life: I didn’t intuitively know to help carry or put away groceries. Through practice I was able to on my own assist with groceries. But when someone comes to visit, or I did not go along grocery shopping I would suddenly not remember to help.

This caused people around me to feel I was purposely inconsiderate or faking my problems understanding to do something when I had been shown to do it before. 

You are not faking or lying. Your autistic brain connects things differently; do not blame yourself. This applies to a huge variety of things as well. 

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[domjaehyun]

to all my followers who don’t want to see some ignorant, racist piece of shit get spoken to like they’re the stupidest person i’ve ever encountered, i would advise not reading below this read more.

the absolute hilarity of getting two incredibly weak and blatantly racist anons in my inbox yesterday (from the same person, because they love operating under the thought that i can’t tell when two messages come from the same person) and just getting blocked and ignored… then they got :((( upset because their little racist comments didn’t get the attention they wanted. so :o they came off anon !!!

and the blog in question is an empty fucking burner acc….except for one lone rb about NCT’s problematic behavior from 😮 a BTS stan acc….. okay, cool, great, makes total sense to me. perfectly logical argument, void of any flaws at all!

so, since you want attention so bad, here we go: you have sooooo much to say abt nct and you said not to deflect and you have a million and one reasons not to like them, right? but you’re reblogging from BTS stan accounts as if BTS are perfect angels, right? so if you have beef with NCT, why’d you feel the need to come at ME and call me literal slurs….? because you’re so against racism? “racism bad but it’s justifiable when i have an issue with you” …do you see how stupid you sound? how you invalidated your own argument immediately?

also, fun fact—as soon as you jump to racism, you lose any credibility you may have had. because you had nothing valid to say. and you got yourself so worked up about the fact that i am black and unbothered by your idiocy. that your sad little excuse for a brain blanked and all you could come up with was “hurr durr youre black (derogatory)” as if i wasn’t fully cognizant of this… and as if black was an insult…. which, again, is racist. so a racist coming at a black person in the name of “anti-racism” …class, do we see the hypocrisy in the statement?

also? just because i don’t post my opinions publicly for thousands of followers to see, doesn’t mean i don’t have my opinions in private. you, nor anyone else on this blog, have any entitlement to my opinions. i tell you what i want to, and you have no choice but to go grasping for straws to formulate an argument you have no concrete evidence for.

i have never once in my life OR my time on this blog ever defended ANY kpop idol for ANYTHING they’ve done. ever. so if you think that i am responsible for your lack of reading comprehension and critical thinking, you are sorely mistaken. as people like you have made abundantly clear, there is literally not a single social space on this planet where black people—specifically black women—can enjoy themselves in peace and not be subjected to misogynoir. i am allowed to enjoy things and not agree with things people have done.

so, ykw? i’m curious now. if you say NCT is a bad group to stan for black people or whatever, who SHOULD i stan? hm? doesn’t even have to be kpop!! this is YOUR open opportunity for promoting any entirely UNPROBLEMATIC spaces. that would mean the artist or franchise itself and any celebrities involved have never said or done ANYTHING bigoted. that would mean that not a single person in that fanbase has ever said or done ANYTHING problematic in the history of EVER. if you can name some things you think my time would be better spent stanning or supporting, hit me up with a list :) i even left you unblocked so you can say your piece!

however, if you name any franchise/artist and i look them up and find any instance of problematic behavior (from them OR their fanbase), your argument is moot immediately. which means that You Can’t Support Them, Either! which means that you, and i, and eeeeeeeveryone in the world can’t support anything with problematic behavior ever. so we’re gonna have to sit in our houses and twiddle our thumbs and watch paint dry 😍 how fun omg i’m so excited 😍

something i also find interesting is that at no point in my argument here, or at any point on my blog, have i ever fixed my mouth to defend any idol for anything they’ve done. this whole time i’ve been talking at you and being the absolute angel that i am and giving you the attention you want so so so desperately, i have defended myself.

also, babe, if you’re so committed to your lil movement you’ve got going on, go ahead and go find Every Single NCT Blog on this app and go tell them every complaint you’ve brought up to me. reminder, though, that you can’t call white people who follow NCT slurs like you did to me bc they don’t have any slurs :/ so you’re gonna have to get really creative if you wanna bring them the same energy you brought me, because you won’t have the weapon of racism to use against them :/// zoinks :/// let me know how that goes for you!!

i’m realizing now that from the second anon you sent me last night, you aren’t really very intelligent, are you? :( you couldn’t string together a coherent sentence or argument in that message to save your life 😬 so i’m worried now that you might not be able to read any of this, because it seems to be above your intellectual…pay grade, if you will.

so i’ll try and sum it up so even people with the basest level of human intelligence, like you, can understand too!

you: racism bad!! nct bad!! i hate racism and NCT because i hate racism!! so i’m going to fight against racism by being racist!!!

me: if i agree with you that “racism bad” and i decide to stop stanning problematic people ever ever again, can you let me know who you think is entirely unproblematic? both the franchise/artist and their fanbase?

does that make sense, dear? do you understand the question i am asking? if you’re so against racism and the like, which you should be!! good for you!! and you’re clearly so invested in educating me—because that’s what this is, right? 🥺 an attempt to educate me? 🥺 and not just blatantly hypocritical harassment with no basis? 🥺—then help me out, babe! let me know 🥺 i wanna be just like you!! i wanna be 100% perfect and unproblematic entirely !!! just like you!!! surely you can help me do better, right? 🥺

anyway, i don’t have much else to say to you :p let me know if anything here didn’t quite make sense for the fragment of a braincell you have to work with. maybe i can draw you a helpful picture! or speak to you like you’re the literal toddlers i used to work with! let me know, though, because they’re a pretty bright age range, so you might need me to lower the threshold of intelligence a lil more.

so, go ahead, @anaffae !! i look forward to hearing your oh, so wise response!! since you're so dedicated to your message, i'm giving you an open opportunity to speak your piece!! remember though, if you at any point stoop to racism or bigotry in your response, your point is immediately moot. if you at any point make an assumption or incorrect statement about me, proving you haven't done any research about me, your point is immediately moot. if i find any logical fallacies in your argument, your point is immediately moot.

so go, babe! you've got the floor :) good luck !! if i'm feeling helpful, i might even grade your response with a red pen like a teacher so whenever you bring this to the next person, you'll at least make sense and not look as downright insipid as you do.

resources you may find helpful are spell check, grammarly (though even that makes mistakes sometimes), the english dictionary, and google for your linguistic concerns.

[dotthings]

Hi @Phantomas67 I have some questions about your tags: #i would have appreciated destiel if not for the destiel shippers (there are exceptions#of course#but truly the fans ruined it for me#canon is canon fanon is fanon and at times the two meets and at times they don't and that should be okay

First of all, when people claim toxic stans are the reason they can't like something, I have to say that generally speaking, it makes me question how important that thing is for them in the first place. Nothing wrong with appreciating something quietly. I hope people know that. It's not a requirement to engage with a volatile fanbase to appreciate something. But I have to point out that I've got some opinions about Misha stans and Jensen stans and the toxicity that exists within those lanes. I didn't stop appreciating Misha or Jensen over it. My choice to take the risks in still engaging online about it, but my appreciation would still be appreciation even if I stopped engaging openly. People who claim that the shippers ruined Destiel for them already lost that argument with me. I think people should own up to their dislikes or lack of interest instead of hiding behind that.

Secondly, and apologies if I misunderstood your intention here. You reblogged my post that calls out invalidation and denialism and belittlement from the Destiel lane to add a comment that's ambiguous and could be read as invalidation. Was your intent to make a narrow-minded, simplistic, false binary where you relegated Destiel to "fanon"? ("Fanon is fanon and canon is canon.")

Or are you referring to how some Destiel shippers believe their fanfic headcanons are the only way Destiel should be, and when canon Destiel doesn't match their fantasies they get mad?

Either way, Destiel deserves better.

If some people who ship Destiel hate Jensen so much, why do they reblog JenMish, why are they so interested in Jensen. If they are so sure that all the negative things they believe about him are true, why do they bug him, why do they wankbait him.

Why, if nothing he says is ever good enough, if they look down on him this much, do they keep at him .

Why do they think they have rights to tell other Destiel shippers they can’t appreciate Jensen, they can’t listen to him, respect him, or find anything welcoming or encouraging in his words. (You know who also doesn’t want any Destiel shippers to find anything welcoming in Jensen? Antidestiel hatedom).

Why is it Jensen fans who ship Destiel and who find comfort and validation in Jensen’s words—even if it’s still open-ended in some respects, even if it’s not an exact match to Misha’s bluntness, are expected to put up with being called crazy by other Destiel shippers.

Why is it bitter hellers who barely even go here any more and who clearly haven’t experienced joy in years outside of fanfics so often will pop back in just to say something invalidating and mean before they vanish again.

Why do Destiel shippers not want Destiel shippers to have validation or comfort.

Why do Destiel shippers who seemingly have had only misery and sense of rejection and disappointment about Destiel keep hovering over it instead of moving to something more satisfying. And when they do sometimes move on, they keep taking cheap shots at Destiel, they weaponize whatever wonderful new perfect thing they’ve found to throw their spite back at Destiel.

If Destiel isn’t enough, if what was already accomplished isn’t enough, if they can’t feel how extraordinary this is or why it matters to people, people are allowed their opinions and feelings, but if that’s how they feel, why keep touching the hot stove over and over.

If Jensen isn’t enough, why won’t they leave him alone.

They need to understand their hatred of Jensen isn’t entitled to a free pass.

And they need to understand that chronically treating Destiel like it’s never enough, constantly belittling the mountains spn moved and whatever comes next, belittling shippers who feel strongly about the significance and meaning of all this and the hostility towards Destiel shippers who find joy and meaning in it, not only from fanfic, but from the canon story and the creatives who purposefully crafted this love story, is a hostility towards the Destiel lane and I don’t know why they thought they were entitled to a free pass.

People are allowed their opinions but acting shocked when they get pushback for the hate and invalidation they keep bringing into the lane is wild. There’s nothing wrong with needing to move on.

Why do we have to tolerate this from inside the Destiel lane?

[vanilla-vivillon]

Happy Wesper Week! We are doing a Wylan POV because I can’t write charm at all. This is a modern AU bachelor party. The grisha powers exist but everything else is made into there real life equivalent

TW very brief mentions of sex trafficking.

What am I doing here? Wylan thought to himself

When his boyfriend Jesper insisted on throwing there good friend Matthias a bachelor party Wylan thought maybe they would go to a nice bar or play some party games

Not get crazy drunk, Not set fire to the Dutch Garden, not get chased by cops, not perform a gas station heist and not catch one of his best friends making out with a gas station cashier

However it seemed the universe didn’t care for the thoughts of little ole Wylan Hendricks

“Let’s get this party started!” The Australian yelled

Wylan had to remindhimself he loved his boyfriend Jesper

“Can you not shout?” Matthias, the groom to be, begged

Wylan, Jesper, and there friends Kaz and Kuwei were throwing a bachelor party for Matthias

It took a lot to convince the Norwegian that this was indeed a great idea

Wylan had never been to a bachelor party before but he was excited for his boyfriend who adored them

“Do we really have to go to this bar Jesper?” Kaz groaned seeing the crazy bright neon sign

After years of knowing Kaz Brekker Wylan could tell that Kaz was cursing Inej for telling him to come

Nevertheless the boys all walk in and start ordering shots

“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!” The boys chanted egging on Kaz and Matthias drinking contest

Well it was mostly Jesper and Kuwei chanting Wylan after having a couple drinks was staring at the twinkle in Jespers eyes

He really was beautiful Wylan thought to himself

Wylan attended the University of Amsterdam to mostly escape his father.

There he met his lifelong friends

Matthias a grumpy international exchange student who grew up in a very prominent and dangerous cult in Norway. He wants to be a Norwegian ambassador

Nina Zenik, a heartrender turned corpse witch who was actually a russian spy back in the day. Now she’s working to become an ambassador

Inej Ghafa, she started a non profit to help stop sex trafficking whitch takes her all over the World but she used to. be an acrobat and after that worked with Kaz as his spy

Kaz Brekker, someone who Wylan after years of knowing him isn’t quite sure if there truly friends, or the semi illegal activities he gets up to. Wylan thought his hacking days would be done after University but Kaz has built an online criminal empire

Kuwei Yul Bo a scientists apprentice from China. He was currently working on his masters degree along side Wylan.

And Jesper. How to describe Jesper Fahey. He was an exchange student from Australia. A fabricator with a gift with Guns. While Jesper loved his pistols he actually works for a nonprofit dedicated to gun safety and regulation

After a highly illegal heist on there trip to Norway during college they all bonded as a group

Especially Wylan and Jesper

Jesper with that twinkle

Jesper with that laugh

Jesper with the way he looked at him now

After many more drinks Kuwei had the idea of the century

“Yooooooo y’know what’s a good idea?” Kuwei said bringing his head up from where it was previously glued to the table

“More shhhhhhhhhots?” Jesper suggested clearly as drunk as Wylan

“A couple blocks away is The Dutch Garden, wanna see some prrrrrrrrrrretty flowers?”

Fun fact this is a real place in Amsterdam

Wylan turned towards Kaz expecting him to veto it then and there but to Wylans shock and horror Kaz said “Hell yeah”

“But, but, it’s super late it’s gonna be closed!” Matthias spluttered out

“We can sneak in from the back fence” Jesper said

When Jesper drank his Australian accent whitch had soften over the years of living in Amsterdam came through in all of its glory

When Wylan first met Jesper he thought he was completely out of his league

And that damn accent drove Wylan Insane

While Wylan was contemplating the wonder that was Jesper Llewelyn Fahey it seemed the group made a decision without him

And Wylan thought for the first time in this bachelor party

What am I doing here?

“C’mon Wylan just climb!” Kuwei whisper screamed at Wylan

The drunken lads had made it to the Garden and had found an area where there was a fence they could climb with relative ease

All of the others made it to the other side

Except Wylan

“Don’t you want to seeeeeee the flowwwwwwwers?” Kaz insisted

If Wylan needed any more proof he was the soberest man out of all of them Kaz saying the word ‘pretty’ that isn’t referencing Inej was a clear sign

“Baby pleeeeease” Jesper begged

Oh

Oh no

Not that face

Wylan thought of himself as a sensible person who doesn’t succumb to pressure easily

But when his boyfriend made that face

Where his cool grey eyes went big

And his face had a slight flush to it

Wylan

Broke

“Fine! But if we get arrested it’s on you guys!”

With the ease of a spider who’s leg got chopped off by a middle aged housewife who’s husband is cheating on her climbing up a wall Wylan somehow got across

It wasn’t pretty

And it wasn’t gonna make Kaz proud

But it was completed

Panting Wylan on the ground said “I think this is my biggest accomplishment”

“Not…. Putting away your father? Or growing past your Internalised homophobia? Or writing your first essay on your own?” Matthias suggested clearly bewildered

Hey so i know Wylan can’t actually read. But seeing as this is modern day and plenty of dyslexic people can read with help, I figured that Jan would refuse to take Wylan to a doctor or get him help with his dyslexia believing it was weak making Wylan unable to read. Buuuuut when he’s older it makes sense to me he does learn. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences or “fix” him but for the sake of a modern AU I had to change some things.

“Nope. It’s climbing this fence” Wylan laughed as Jesper helped him up

“Everyday you remind why your my favorite human” Jesper said with a laugh

“Ewwwww it’s like you guys like to remind how I’m the only single one” Kuwei said with a throwing up motion

“Thanks Jesp- wait human?” Wylan asked confused

“Well my favorite thing is Milo of course” Jesper winked

“The- the goat in Russia?” Kaz inquired not quite wanting to believe what Jesper was saying

To Wylans knowledge Kaz, Inej and Jesper did some job in Russia before he ever met them

“Why of course” Jesper slung an arm around Wylan who was not quite sure how to feel about this goat

Kaz went to go look at some purple flowers and contemplate his life choices

“Oh my god guys…….” Matthias started “the flowers! They’re- they’re”

“Cmon Matty, share with the class” Kaz said apparently bored with the purple flowers

“They’re so preeeeeeeetty” Matthias eyes welled up with tears

“Oh Saints tell me he’s not crying” Kuwei Moaned

Jesper walked over to where Matthias was stroking a hydrangea

“They are soooooooo pretty” Jespers eyes also Welled up with tears

“Fuck this shit” Kuwei said taking out a lighter and cigarette

“Hey! Smoking is very bad for you Kuwei!” Wylan lectured

“Wylan. I’m an inferni. Smoking foesnt affect us” Kuwei rolled his golden brown eyes

“Yeah but we’re in a highly flammable garden! And the rest of us aren’t inferni!” Wylan said

It seemed during Kuwei and Wylans arguement Kaz had also joined the cult of flowers that Matthias and Jesper were fixated on

“Wylan stop smoke shaming me!” And the scientists went back and fourth

“KUWEI YOU PIECE OF-“ Wylan started then sniffed the air “is that, is that smoke?” Wylan asked

“Holy shit dudes there’s a fire!” Kaz yelled pointing at where the cigarette Kuwei droppped

It seemed that the cigarette lit fire to a big wall of flowers

“This is why I never wanted a bachelor party!” Matthias moaned

The boys could hear voices coming towards them

Then all of the men looked at each other

And all of them yelled “RUN!”

All of them starting sprinting to the fence

And Kaz with his limp scrambled up that fence the fastest

Guess his determination to not get caught was strong

Wylan started climbing as fast as he could whitch wasn’t very fast

“Cmon Merchling!” Jesper said at the top reaching out a hand to his boyfriend

Wylan took it and stared at the steel eyes that had first enraptured him years ago

“Hey Stop!” Looking back Wylan and Jesper saw three security guards running towards them and yelling at them to stop

Jesper yanked Wylan up and they both fell off the fence in a pile

Jesper took Wylans hand and they all started booking it to Wylan’s car

Wylan who had sobered up in the whole endeavor determined that he was probably sober enough to drive

Piling in they all shoved themselves in the car

Wylan turned on the gas and starte to get the car back on the road

“I can’t believe we ran from cops!” Matthias said in between panting

“That was awesome!” Jesper exclaimed from the passenger seat

Wylan laughed

He had never been a spontaneous person

It seemed this night was a lot more fun then he thought

Until he heard the sirens

From the backseat Kaz turned

And three police cars were zooming towards them

“I am not going down for arson!” Kuwei yelled

“Wylan stop driving like a grandma and go faster! There gaining on us!” Kaz screamed at Wylan

“I can’t there’s a stoplight!”

“Run it!” Jespers shrill voice screamed at him

And Wylan did what he swore to never do

He took a deep breath

And ran that light as fast as he could

They were flying

Wylan had never seen how fast he could make his car go

Turns out it was fast

Wylan used some of his dads money to buy a sports car just to rub it in Jans face

With the top off and blood rushing through Wylans head he had never felt more alive

His boy beside him

His friends behind him

“WOOOOOOOOO!” Kuwei yelled throwing his hands up

Jesper joined Kuwei as the car sped down the street

Matthias was looking a little green

“Matty you okay back there?” Wylan shouted back at the Norwegian

“No!” Matthias shouted over the roar of engine and Jesper and Kuweis yips and yells

Some point during this Kaz called Inej

“Inej I hate thissssss!” Wylan couldn’t hear what Inej said back but from the pieces Kaz gave it was obvious

“No im not drunk!……. Psh of course those aren’t sirens…… Inej we might’ve bended the law but I swear it wasn’t my fault!…….. alright bye. ….I love you to….”

After what seemed like an eternity Wylan finally lost the police

Laughing the Wylan pulled into a gas station for refill

Wylan stepped out of the car and began to refill his car and thought for the millionth time what am I doing here?

“Wylannnnnn” Kuwei moaned

“What Kuwei?” Wylan said already exasperated

“Wylan I’m hungryyyyyy”

“Then go grab some chips or something!”

“But I don’t want to pay for it!”

“Then I guess that sucks for you!”

“You got like a million dollars from stealing me from Norway! You owe me!”

Ghezen Wylan hated drunk people

“Let’s perform a heist on the gas station!” Matthias said apparently done feeling sick

“What? No! We aren’t stealing from the gas station!” Wylan lectured

“It might actually be fuuuuuuun Wy” Kaz begged

The rest of the party were already getting out of the car ignoring Wylans protests

“We will do a simple distract act, Kuwei will go in first and lead the cashier away, and then we go in and steal chips” Kaz explained

It seemed even drunk Kaz could scheme

“This is insane!” Wylan exclaimed

“You said that about rescuing Kuwei from the Norwegian government but that ended up great” Matthias replied

They were gonna do this with or without Wylan

With a sigh Wylan thought what am I doing here?

Kuwei had gone in and had given the single

Wylan had walked in after pretending to look at some sodas and after Kuwei went into the back room with the cashier Wylan sent a quick text to the rest of the guys to come In and get raiding

Like clockwork Matthias, Jesper, and Kaz went in and they started ransacking the place

Wylan was in charge of Sodas, Matthias was in charge of Chips, and Jesper was in charge of Candy

Kaz had the most important job of all

He had to hack into there computers and wipe the security cameras

If Kaz couldn’t do that then Kaz would have to actually hack into the computers from his phone

It almost suprised Wylan how quickly efficiently, and quietly, a bunch of drunk guys could ransack a gas station

Wylan did feel guilty for a moment

But then he remembered how the CEO of the company the gas station is owned by has had multiple sexual misconduct allegations and Wylan felt better

Wylan got all the soda he could carry and rushed back to the car dumping them in the backseat

Soon after Matthias followed then Jesper and a little while after Kaz

Wylan did a quick headcount “wait where’s Kuwei?”

Wylan checked his phone

No texts from him

Shit shit shit

“Someone has to go back in” Kaz said

“I’ll go after him” Wylan said with a sigh

He loved Kuwei like a brother

But like an annoying little brother constantly getting himself in messes

Wylan Walked in and saw the e cashier wasn’t back

Wylan walked through the store and then heard something towards the men’s bathroom

Walking closer to the door the noises were getting a bit louder

Wylan opened the door slamming it against the wall

There stood a wide eyed Chinese kid and from the green uniform Wylan guessed was the cashier

The cashier who was standing between Kuweis legs. Kuwei who was sitting in the edge of the bathroom sink

There’s arms were around each other

Wylan was confused

What was Kuwei doing?

Oh

Oh

“Get your ass in the car Kuwei!” Wylan yelled

Kuwei gave whispered sorries to the cashier while collecting his jacket he apparently threw off

Wylan dragged Kuwei by the arm outside the store

“Kuwei. When we say distract the cashier, that means distract, not make oht with him!” Wylan lectured

“Cmon Wylan you saw him, he was cute!”

“Your drunk Kuwei!”

“Aren’t we all a little drunk in life?”

“That makes absolutely no sense” Wylan said with a sigh “just go to the car”

Kuwei happily skips away

Wylan had just dropped off Matthias at his and Ninas apartment after dropping off Kaz and Kuwei

Leaving just Wylan, Jesper, and an unhealthy amount of snacks in the car

“Hey Wylan” Jesper said

“Yes Jes?”

“I love you”

“I love you to Jesper”

“No wylan” Jesper took Wylan’s face in his hands

“I really love you” Jesper Pushed a ginger lock away from Wylans face

Jesper then reached into his pocket and pulled out a rumpled purple flower and tucked it into Wylans hair “I really really really love you”

Wylan blinked. Jesper was so drunk.

Wylan gave Jesper a soft smile and placed a kiss on his mouth

“I love you to Jesper”

And suddenly Wylan knew exactly what he was doing there

Finnally finished this in the Nick of time! @neilperryisalive I hope you enjoy this! I was seriously worried I wouldn’t be able to finish it but I did! I’ve never written Wesper but I really enjoyed it. My ask box is open and I take any Grishaverse requests

[wacem]

Beautifully put. As a church-going man, James absolutely *would* go to Carson for support and counseling. I know I'd go to my pastor for guidance through grief if I lost my spouse and kids in a fire (provided I didn't off myself first; that's the absolute sum of all fears right there. Hard to picture having anything left to live for after that). Very interesting parallels you've made with John's failure to ever peg Carver as the problem, except for maybe *mayyybe* at the bitter end, if he's the only one left to witness Mary's trial with Andrew, and you make the right dialogue choices. Joseph never suspected Carver, either. For all the antagonism between the two during the pressing, Joseph never saw Carver as the threat. He spent his dying breath trying to convince Carver that *he* was the one being duped, trying to warn him against Mary. So you're really onto some solid storytelling meat there.

I imagine if James makes it through the first year after the fire without drinking himself to death or self-destructing in a similar fashion, it would probably be because of Carson's guidance. Carson might even help him get sober. I am a pretty big fan of the notion that the Car-lads aren't mustache-twirling villains through-and-through. In my headcanons, they start out as decent, if a bit hardnosed, men, but then there's always a catalyst that sets them down a horrid path, and as such, it's usually everything related to that specific part of their lives that becomes poison. Everything else remains as it was. Which is how the Car-lads are able to get away with so much before their communities catch on. The change from legitimately good spiritual leader to a cancer to his community is well-hidden. So to James, not being privy to the toxic part of his pastor's life, Carson would be a genuinely good and reliable guide. Between the loss of his family and the loss of the factory, Carson and his church would, in fact, be James' only real tether left with humanity. So I absolutely agree with you that they'd become close after that.

Which makes the big reveal that It Was Carson All Along the more profound a betrayal. Take that final tether and cut it. Kick that last crutch out from under James and watch him fall. He struggles not to start drinking again, but when Carson is out free while James' family is still dead, he loses it. He goes to confront Carson, taking his first drink in a long time to steel himself, and loses all control.

I love the idea of the sledgehammer being brought in as another parallel between incarnations. I reckon it'd be a grab-bag item rather than something brought for premeditated violence, just like it was for John. And whether Carson survives it or not (I tend towards not-- or at least not without becoming a vegetable or some other form of completely dependant invalid) I don't see James having the clarity of mind to cover his tracks. The anger burns itself out into earth-shattering grief, and he would shut down, completely broken, and not move until someone finds him and whatever's left of Carson.

That's how I see it going down, anyway.

And y'know, while I don't specifically remember a secret about Carson being acquitted, necessarily, I think I recall a newspaper article about his arrest where the charges were a big nothing burger. Something like teaching the occult to children. Not a single charge about child abuse. Teaching the occult is enough to get you defrocked, for sure, but like... is it even illegal? If it is, I doubt it carries much time. A couple years, max? I see a lot of other inferences coming out from his arrest amongst the community, but if he got any actual jail-time, it'd be a pittance when weighed against the Clarkes' destruction, and James would know it. But I'd have to go back and look at the secrets afresh to be sure what the exact deal was there. The secrets I've looked over with a fine-toothed comb are usually the ones pertaining to the 17th century, lol, so I'm a bit rusty on the more contemporary details.

"Anthony canon soul survivor" this, "What if Megan was soul survivor" that.

Okay but just imagine, James and Anne survivors. Just imagine.

[macgyvertape]

thoughts on season of splicer ending

warning: spoilers for the entire season, general discussion of leaks, and absolutely being Bungie critical. Basically trying to write this out and figure out my own thoughts in the writing

I guess my first thoughts are what everyone's talking about: Osiris.

All the wild theories about if he's been replaced, controlled, playing 5d chess, etc. tldr: leaks say that from season of the Hunt it hasn't been Osiris but Savathun. Yeah I've read people's compilations of proof until I rapidly got bored with them. I'll be bluntly honest, if Bungie is going for some sort of imposter story-line then they're doing a fucking awful job at telling it.

a) A good imposter story-line needs to establish to the audience that there is the possibility or replacement/control

b) characters in the story themselves should be aware of point A and be actively considering it in their decision making

c) if the imposter is doing something the original didn't than clearly show audience the imposter is there.

I would say Bungie didn't do any of these, no the lore page of Savathun's human disguise falling apart around her doesn't count, because Bungie has long had a problem of putting story relevant plot details in lore pages and then not referencing them ingame. Lore should accentuate story, not provide key details to the story.

If you want to see a good imposter story-line look at Forsaken, and how they worked to make it obvious to someone who didn't know who Mara Sov was that something was up.

Most of the proof people cite is either cherry picking ambiguous things Osiris has said, or pointing out inconsistencies in writing. IMO not much of the evidence holds up because multiple characters this season (Saint, Lakshmi, Mithrax) have been written inconsistently with past appearances and without nuance; because their character has to carry the plot in a certain way or there are limits on recording dialogue for override/expunge.

My point in recapping the Osiris thing, is that from a thematic view at the end of the season Osiris is Osiris and I'm judging the story from the view of the season not how will the story be in the future.

very cynical take that as much praise as Bungie wants for working to make a high profile gay relationship be shown in game after a writer confirmed it on twitter

if leaks are right: if  Osiris hasn't been Osiris for the past 3 seasons then none of the scenes with Saint are real or matter, and it invalidates all the emotional grief of Sagira being dead. It's 3 seasons of character development and effort wasted

or: they took the first chance they could to make one of them an unsympathetic villain and write him out of the story.

(yeah destiny has other queer character but how many of them are alive and matter to the story? When was the last time Ana's girlfriend was mentioned?)

The game is clear that for all the talk about "vex tech influence" Lakshmi's views and choices were her own, so the same for Osiris: he is responsible for helping Lakshmi and is responsible for all the civilian deaths, he's the 2ndary Human villain of the season.

Which brings me to my point (that I've seen others say) is that Bungie should have given a second thought to having their all of their human antagonists be PoC characters this expansion. Osiris, Lakshmi, and Saladin last season. For Lakshmi and Saladin they weren't just antagonists, they were written to be bigots for the community to dislike. Yes Destiny has a lot of PoC characters and anyone can be a villain, but IMO its a bad look from a company who talks so much about social justice. It wouldn't matter except Bungie wanted the message of the season to be anti-racism, and I'm comparing it within the context of how often minorities are the villains in games/US media. I don't think it was deliberately done, I just think it is something that like last season's issues with proving grounds and antisemitism they didn't care or bother with a sensitivity reader.

It's obvious this season they were going for a very obvious reference to Trump and modern day fears about refugees with Lakshmi, and it's a bad look that they did with a Indian female character and refugees are the enemy crab aliens. I'm also not saying that female characters can't be villains, but did the Bungie writers not think about just how nasty gamers would get in either slurs, insults, or expressing wishes for violence, and how pervasive and visible it would be?

I'm genuinely curious why the writers went for such a heavy handed analogy, and a story-line that feels like it comes from an afterschool special. The Eliksni have been enemies in atleast 4 expansions now, there could have been a more nuanced story other than "House of Light is good keep on killing all other Fallen". At the end of the season the game treated the attack on the City being Lakshmi and Osiris' fault, and all the people who don't like the Eliksni (say the people doing hate crimes in the lore) left with the factions so "problem resolved" . Lakshmi gets a simple karmatic death, in an area where multiple reddit threads express how they love tbagging the corpse. The ending cutscene didn't feel super inspiring to me it just felt unrealistic not just in real life where things aren't that simple but also within Destiny's story; the "you are my family" line felt cringe to me, probably because it felt unearned.

That's kind of the problem of the season isn't it, that the earliest planned game based decisions like having a Vex seasonal enemy and getting rid of the Factions determined the cast of characters with ties to the Vex and factions. So you just fight x many Vex bosses until you defeat Quria, then there's a break for Solstace, but on Reset-Tuesday with no warning things escalate because its epilogue time.

Sadly I forget who said that "it felt like the plot needed to hit one beat a week" meaning one issue had to get resolved enough for the community to talk about (except for when we take 3 weeks off for solstice). Each week there has to be some sort of hook to avoid the overblown "content drought". So multiple times you will have characters change their mind or their deep held beliefs after one counter argument is presented. (big example is Saint changing his mind not over the season but after one cutscene). City politics and factions don't matter aside from dialogue in a few different weeks because they'll be gone at the end of the season but in the meantime characters needed to talk about something to prompt fandom engagement. example: the fandom argues about governance of the last city for a while before the argument burn out since the relevant lore wasn't designed to hold up to close scrutiny.

just, I'm a politically active leftist in a red conservative state so maybe i just find this exhausting since I deal with similar issues irl and am more prone to thinking this season was tone deaf.

tldr: that wow this turned out really negative. Which I didn't really expect considering how much I enjoyed the first few weeks of the season. I enjoyed a lot of the gameplay this season (I really enjoy fun gambit aka Overrides and VoG). But as for replaying the story on my other characters, I don't think I'll bother.

[mittensmorgul]

it has been bothering me all morning but like

we saw bobby in heaven, and he looked like bobby always has, yet when sam got to heaven he was reset to what he looked like before dean died

REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE IMPLICATIONS AHEAD:

to be clear, I have no opposition to the concept of Heaven, and to the soul earning some sort of peaceful and comforting rest in an afterlife, but I’m really gonna have to politely ask people to stop coming directly to my inbox attempting to convince me that this was a “happy ending” for Dean. He deserved to LIVE, because no matter how perfect heaven was tailored to him personally, to feel satisfying and fulfilling to him, that... almost makes it even worse to me.

I’m not expecting people who are happy with it, or who did manage to find something good in it to actually read this, or to really consider the way I (and from what I’ve seen, most everyone I know) see this. But attempting to convince people who are horrified by it all, or arguing with people who are attempting to reconcile what we see as utterly baffling or entirely unsatisfying about this ending (or worse, actually traumatizing) is unnecessary and unwanted. Please stop trying to make people who are processing the end of a show we’d hoped would have the guts to finally free the characters through something other than death, and trying to reconcile the fact that the story of hope, of found family, of free will over destiny they’d fought the entire series for was not a lie, as the finale made it feel to us.

If people are finding inconsistencies in the story (because hooBOY was it inconsistent), if they’re arguing against details in the story, it’s not because they want folks who are happy with the story to come around to being unhappy with it. It’s because THIS IS HOW WE PROCESS TRAUMA. We explain, we justify to ourselves, so that we can actually continue feeling good about this story in our own lives. For some of us, this means actually coming to a point where we can feel the story had no power to continue to actively harm us. If you don’t feel bad about this finale, then consider yourself lucky, and maybe sit down rather than continually attempting to invalidate why we feel traumatized in the first place.

Okay, that’s out of the way, on to the ridiculousness of my brain:

1. if the idea that everyone in heaven gets reset to a more youthful state, then why not bobby? so that’s out as a theory. I mean, it’s kind of a surface-level nice theory that you wouldn’t have to spend heaven eternity bedridden and sick and dying, but as a basepoint for Heaven this is... it’s got a lot of ableist undercurrents to it and I don’t think there was actually a satisfying way to handle/depict this on screen to start with... the whole “all your problems will be fixed in heaven” is right below the surface here, and I’m not even gonna start explaining how disgusting that is as a message to be sending...

(that said... was sam’s blurry wife un-blurred in heaven? or was she even ever real at all and would Sam even look for her in Heaven now? asking the real questions here... >.>)

2. is this actually a heaven where people take on the appearances that dean specifically recalls them with? or does this effect possibly work for everyone that way, and what we see is only Dean’s pov? Like... would Dean himself possibly see something different than say, John would if he looked at Sam? Would John see the last version of Sam he remembered from s1, and Sam see himself completely different in a mirror or something? This falls into my previous understanding of Heaven-- the memorex version-- where everyone sees what they want to in a dimension that really doesn’t translate to a human’s perception of space-time. And I mean, if that’s actually the case, then I need people to recognize that this isn’t really any different than Old Heaven, except for the cubicle farm aspect and being able to make new memories with people. But that it’s still effectively an isolating experience if each soul’s reality is just... slightly off, even in these seemingly minor ways. It’s dimensionally enforced peace through manipulation of perception. And thanks, I hate it. It’s not true free will, but the pacifying enforcement of a perception of it as being free will.

3. Was this actually just a production choice so they wouldn’t have to drag the party city wig out to the woods for the final day of filming? Which, lol that has some potential for hilarity as a crack post, but also... as a production choice just has the greater effect of breaking the fourth wall (which that final drone shot effectively did anyway), which in turn renders the entire episode one long series of production choices rather than narrative consistency choices, and is all the more reason we have to just... not care about any of it if we’re actively choosing to do that.

All of these sorts of inconvenient facts and readings are there, in canon, for us to consider. The most unfortunate implication of all for me is that the episode as a whole then becomes suspect as “reality” for the characters, and therein lies my actual problem with the finale. The details are rendered irrelevant, the characters themselves are rendered irrelevant, and the story ultimately had no meaning whatsoever. And for those of us who cannot reconcile these things, we’d rather just be able to toss the finale out and keep the 326 episodes that did actually have meaning for us.

[sentinelcole]

When I was three years old, I learned that if I told my dad my mom wouldn't let me have something, he's d get it for my out of spite. I didn't know why at the time. I knew they were divorced and for some reason, that made him buy me more stuff. I didn't care. I just knew with the right words, I could make anything happen. I wouldn't realize how right I was for another decade.

School had only reinforced what I already knew: a good story could get you anything. Forgot to do your homework? Tell your teacher you did it but you lost it in your dad's car and you wouldn't see him for another week. It would buy you a few days at least. Lose a library book? Tell the librarian, with tears in your eyes, that some bullies took it of you and ripped it up. The fact that these stories were sometimes true really helped sell them.

But lying to people is easy. So's lying to yourself. You want a real challenge? Lie to the gods. Everyone thinks gods are these all-knowing beings and they are but they've got some real blindspots. Ember only cares about fire. Stone only cares about earth. Strife only cares about conflict. They don't care how there is fire or earth or conflict, just that there is.

Everyone knew that priests could call upon the gods for favors. And they knew that mages could weild the gods' magic after careful study of the gods and science. But what a lot of people didn't know about mages, including myself, is that mages are just practiced liars. Their studies let them tell more convincing lies.

Enter 14 year old me, a scrawny kid who had his teachers wrapped around his finger but could never figure out how to befriend kids his own age. Maybe it was because I was always making things up. Maybe it was my big mouth. If I'm forced to be honest, it was probably both and more.

Anyways, I end up pinned against a wall by Doug Hillman, head rich kid, and his less rich (but still richer than me) friends. They were picking on Carmen Lopez just because she existed. I hated those pricks and even though I didn't know Carmen, I made some choice comments about Doug's daddy to get them to pick on me instead. Most kids would make mom jokes but I was an equal opportunity smartass and besides, Dougy was a daddy's boy. Wanted to be a real estate tycoon just like him.

There I am, about to get another beating from a kid who shared a last name with the new computer lab and I did what I did best, I ran my mouth. Except this time, I told Doug I had been practicing magic and I could burn him up. An unbelievable lie and everyone knew it. Everyone but me. I don't know what it was but I really believed myself that time. And that's the real secret of magic: delusion. You don't just lie to the gods. The gods can see into your heart but like I said: blind spots. If you really believe what you say and can imagine it clearly, sometimes a god will think they missed something and correct their mistake. After all, they're infallible so if you truly believe and can imagine there is a flame in your hand and there isn't, well, Ember isn't about to be proven wrong. That would invalidate their existence. So when Doug swung at me, I yelled "FIRE" and there it was.

Anyways, that's how I burned down my school and ended up in Magnos' Academy of Mages. Which is honestly great because we're all a bunch of liars. The theater department is out of this world too (literally). But it's a private school and my scholarship doesn't cover books and materials. Because why would it? Clearly a kid who needs a scholarship has money to drop on books right?

Good thing I know how to spin a story. Turns out anyone can do magic but most aren't creative in the right ways. That's where I come in. You tell me what effect you want to happen and I'll write out a story for you. All you gotta go is read it off verbatim, believe what you're saying and presto, you'll do magic. I don't deal in mind magic but anything else is good by me as long as you got the cash.

So, what story do you want me to tell?

365 Days of Prompts - August 3

Write a scene inspired by “This Ain’t A Scene It’s An Arms Race” by Fall Out Boy. Song link: https://youtu.be/GNm5drtAQXs

[patheticcpeach]

Dear Mom and Dad

Do I dare even call you guys that? I'm your daughter, the youngest out of 4. I am 23, 5'5, and my favorite color is bright green and blue at the moment. I currently working my ass off, I have my own car, 3 credit cards, and even a pretty good credit score. I graduated college but haven't worked in the field yet. I'm certainly not financially smart, no thanks to you. I live in a reality where money truly doesn't mean anything. yea sure I need it to buy things that I want and need but I'll never die for money. I'll never die for a lot of things that aren't myself. I'm actually pretty selfish when it comes down to it. I know my demands and I try to get them for myself as much as I can. Thanks for teaching me that.

Earlier today, I had the dream again. Where I invite you to dinner and a fancy restaurant, that's probably in a really nice hotel. One can only dream of getting reservations there, but I know a guy. I'm wearing a red dress and I look amazing. I invite you to sit and have a chat with me. We obviously haven't spoken in a while so we need to catch up. I start with small talk because of course you aren't going to start it. "do you guys know who I am?" I ask. you stare at me blankly. "our daughter?" is what I imagine you'd say. I'd laugh out of pity. I'm in total disgusted that you still consider me a daughter vs a stranger. which is what we really are. you don't know me. not one single ounce. I'm not here to blame you and point fingers, I guess I'm truly trying to understand when did you stop loving me. you say you love me and what the best for me. Not once have you tried to reach out. I'm upset that you don't see why I am upset.

It hits me. when I used to cry when I was younger, you would tell me to stop crying. never ask why or comfort me. crying in your eyes is weak. I was ashamed of crying for YEARS. I think I still am to this day. why did you never comfort me, reassure me that everything was going to be okay? never told me to love myself and my body before loving another person. never told me not to let others have sex with me even when I didn't want to. never told me that it is okay to have bad days. never told me how easy it is to fall in love and rely on the kindness of others though they can hurt you. never told me not to give up. at a young age, I understood that it's better to hide your emotions instead of expressing them because no one wants to see a sad person. In reality, you're the saddest people I've ever met. It pains me to see how you struggled for years and have kept it in. you're not in love with yourself or others. stuck in your ways. never moving forward. maybe it's because you grew up in a different world. why did you have me? you had me physically never mentally or emotionally I think. It seems like we were never meant to be together.

we both cant change that. were bounded. I struggled so much internally growing up and it's really amazing how it's affecting me now as an adult. I have so much trauma. I blame you for letting those people hurt me. why did you let them do that to me? do you not love me so much? why did you always invalidate my feelings? why did your laws make me financially guilty at 9 years old?

Mom, why did you keep those bad men around? knowing they were hurting your kids. I know you knew. you were jealous of it. I felt it. you got rid of one of your daughters for him. I can't even fathom her pain. She's fucked up. why did you convince me that I didn't need my dad, except when it came down for back to school stuff? did you think that I wouldn't feel it? did you ever consider my feelings? do you love me? do you blame me for something? I am sorry you thought these decisions were the right choices at the time. Sorry if you felt like you have no other option. That is the constant feeling I get from you. Like it's my fault or any of your kids' fault for your actions. have you ever been happy? have you ever been in love? do you love yourself? This is truly why I stopped talking to you. It's not a good feeling when you're constantly in the middle of problems and seem to blame me. Make me feel guilty for things I simply can't control. Not talking to you makes me happy. I feel a weight off my shoulders. However, On days like today, I can't stop thinking about you and everything you are to me. where we do stand?

Dad. Honestly. you're a small-minded man. stuck inside because you're afraid of what others think of you. which is hilarious because you make a fool out of yourself all the time. I get that from you. Aren't you happy to see that in all of your kids? Were you ever proud of me? I feel like we missed out on each other when I was younger. I gave a year of time, to living in your house. It was fucking hell. I hated it. I was so sad and depressed, did you even care? do you consider any other person's feelings besides your own? I saw what type of person you are in a way I didn't know. You're so hurt under it. You flip a switch when people visit you. You rely on the kindness of strangers too. Doesn't matter who they are. Why don't you listen to me? Is it because I'm a woman? Why are you so quick to invalidate my feelings? a whole fucking year with you and still don't care. why don't you care about me? you don't fight for me. Your daughter was harassed and you closed the door in our faces. How was I supposed to be there?

If I never talk to you again, I hope you're happy. Generally happy. I picture this life where you have beautiful lives and lived greatly. hands out the window vibing. Listening to your favorite songs. dancing carelessly. You're loved by somebody. Your hopes and dreams are vailed and matter. I hope someone has said that to you. I just can't look at you. Too much personally hurt and I'm trying to figure it out. Yes, you're my parents but we are not friends. You've created a mess of children and you don't know how to start. Is that what scares you? about admitting your wrongs. It's hard to do so, when you're so ignorant and care what other have to say about you. I am beautiful and smart. I had to parent myself and it's been hard but I am managing better than anyone can ever. Thanks to jay also. She deserves so much more.

nearly had a panic attack trying to think and rationalize this dream. when I'm done talking, there's silence. You can't even believe what I have said. Then leave again to not hear your thoughts. It seems like we're never meant for each other. maybe in another life.

ashley.

[utterlyinevitable]

5,30 for Ethan x MC throw in all the angst you can ! Thank u 💖

5. things you didn’t say at all 30. things I wish you’d said

From the things you said prompt list. Send me a pairing and number and I’ll write a mini fic!

this fic has gotten way longer than intended.... 

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Narcissus Sent a Package

Rebecca Lao walked to the Diagnostics Office ready for her shift. She was overjoyed that things started to become semi-normal between her and Ethan after she called him a diva and spoiled brat outside their patient’s house two days ago. She was thankful the awkward tension dissipated. 

Through the glass door she could see, sitting on the round table, where the team of Baz, Becca, June and Ethan met multiple times a day to deliberate on cases, was a basket. A gift basket of a large bouquet of flowers and a box wrapped prettily with a bow. 

The air around the office became strained almost immediately upon Becca’s arrival. 

June stood at the table and immediately turned to the resident, manicured thin eyebrows raised, as she walked in. Ethan was sat at his desk, attention on whatever lay before him. Baz was in a chair eying the basket with an embossed card addressed to the youngest member of the team. 

“You have an admirer,” he spoke. Baz’s eyes were alight with intrigue - this was the most interesting thing to happen in months. 

Becca’s brows furrowed together. Since when did anyone send gifts to the team? Who did she know that would send such a display? 

She crossed the distance to inspect the gift basket. As she reached for the card she got a waft of sweetness from the fresh flowers - A bouquet of sweet pea and daffodil. The pinks and purples and yellows really complimented one another, and looked so out of place in the minimally modern room. 

To herself, Becca read the words on the thick, definitely expensive, ivory card printed in black calligraphy;  

Dr. R ‘2nd is the best’. But I like to think third time’s the charm. Looking forward to it.  - T

The color drained from her face. 

He wouldn’t. 

The entire drunken escapade from weeks prior came rushing back to her all at once;

She knew she shouldn’t indulge another endeavor with the handsome stranger. It was a disaster waiting to happen. God, she hated the way this man smiled - like he was a python devouring her whole. But in the dim light of Donahue’s, Bryce’s encouraging winks and nods from a few stools down, and the free drinks pouring, maybe a dance with the devil was exactly what she needed. A bit of mind numbing sex never hurt anybody, right?

No; 

This wouldn’t hurt Becca, or him, but in time it would hurt Ethan.

'Caroline’ downed her drink and gave Reggie the signal for another shot. Tobias and she clinked glasses as she weighed her options one final time. 

Then they made their way to the bathroom. 

Her eyes flitted from the card to the purposeful gift and back again. 

He did. 

And the intention behind it washed over her. 

Shit.

“Wow, Becca. I didn’t think you had it in you,” June appraised, pulling the resident back to the room of awaiting bystanders. 

Becca folded the card back up and placed it far away from the others reach. “What?” she responded, slightly dazed by this complete and utter spectacle laid out before her - the brazen flaunt of distrust.   

June’s tight smile was all too telling. “Tobias,” she nodded towards the card and raised her eyebrows, “I’m impressed.” 

Of course she read the card first. 

As much as Becca wanted to smack that smirk off of Dr. Hirata’s face she refrained. It wasn’t worth making a scene. The damage was already done. June pulled the trigger with that transparent remark. 

Of course she purposefully said his name out loud.

A pager cut through the gross tension coating the diagnostics office. It was Baz’s and he wordlessly fled the scene. 

“Excuse me,” June left the room in his wake, leaving the inevitable drama to unfold. 

Body tense, Becca hesitantly moved to the present. It was weighted, much too heavy to be a box of chocolates. Stupidly, she stole a glance at Ethan. He was sitting straight up, body turned from her, face stoic and doing his best to be uninterested.  

She went to pull back the glossy purple paper, revealing the gift. Becca managed to uncover it halfway before everything clicked. 

Staring back at her was a sparkly, aged bottle of amber scotch. 

“I...” she pulled the rest of the paper back to reveal the name. 

Fuck. 

“I don’t think this was meant for me.” 

Her words were loud and clear and ringing off the furniture, vibrating all around him. 

And Ethan’s cover was blown; 

“Wha-” he finally looked over at her, curiosity getting the better of him.  

She turned to him and held up the box, “It’s your favorite.” 

He didn’t miss the regret in her eyes. It was a darker amber than the expensive liquid she held. Her tight lips, pressed together and the light flush on her cheeks told him it was true. 

The woman he fell for was involved with Tobias Carrick. 

Ethan moved across the office quickly and with intention, coming just close enough to Becca to inspect the bottle. He did his best to keep a semblance of space between them.  

He held the box in his hands. Inspecting. Deliberating. Letting his mind draw up as many conclusions has possible. 

Her voice cut through, “I didn’t even tell him my real name.”

It was an decibel above a whisper, and not the consolation she meant it to be.

Ethan’s eyes were trained on the scotch. His features unmoving and frozen in place. The only sign of life was the small rise and fall of his chest as he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat.      

Becca wished she hadn’t said anything. Wished that she just took the bouquet and unopened scotch back to her locker so no one had to know her personal business. More than anything, she wished she didn’t do it. She wished she let Tobias Carrick stay that nameless man in the club and pretended not to remember him at Donahue’s that night. 

“Why on earth would you sleep with my ex-best friend, my rival?” It was more rhetorical than anything.  

“We hooked up that’s all.”   

They didn’t have sex. Thank God. 

They were interrupted by loud rapping on the door and Reggie’s voice calling for them to “get another room”. As they put their shirts back on, and Becca was free from Tobias’ warmth between her legs, realization set in. Her heart wasn’t in it. She couldn’t do it. Becca denied going home with him and hoped to never see him again. 

Unfortunately for her work forced their hands.   

Ethan couldn’t help but let the a few careful emotions seep through as he barked, “What does that even mean? What does this mean?” He pointed between the flowers and the scotch. 

Becca could feel the bottled up anger emanating off of him. And frankly, it pissed her off. 

Ethan chose to sever any romantic ties they could have had in the name of her professional growth and ethics. It was his choice. As much as Becca didn’t agree, she respected his decision. She’s tried so hard to move on. 

“Okay,” She held up her pointer finger ready to unleash the truth. “The first time I had no idea who he was! He was some rando at a club.”

It took everything in Ethan, every morsel of self control, to keep from asking when the first time was. When she first succumbed to his rival and how many times there were after that. How long after they slept together the night of her hearing did she jump into bed with someone else? How long after kissing him his first night back did she invalidate every single thing she ever said about wanting him? 

He’d rather know about her salacious escapes with the scalpel jockey than with the likes of Tobias Carrick.

“And we did fool around in the bathroom at a bar a few weeks,” Becca continued her explanation on how she came to know the olive skinned stranger. “Then at the Bloom’s it clicked.”  

During her entire soliloquy Ethan didn’t falter. He didn’t even acknowledge her person. His mind moved faster than her explanations. He dissected every word falling tastelessly off her tongue. He weighed the truth of each sentence and collected every scenario hiding in the subtext.  

Becca watched as he mulled. At least, she assumed, he was marinating and assessing her words. Ethan was a statue in front of her. Eyes darker than she’s ever seen and hollow. Devoid of emotion as they stayed locked on the offending item in his white-knuckled hands.  

She wished he would say something, anything. Any words, even venomous ones, would be better than the sullen look on his face. 

Becca thought things were getting better between them; she thought they were making progress. All their differences aside, they were getting along. They were becoming better friends. Becca was one of the rare few people Ethan could actually trust. 

And now... 

With a rueful huff he unceremoniously freed the bottle of its confines. 

Ethan’s mind was reeling - racing a mile a minute as their bodies stood frozen in place. As their bodies protected themselves.

First she weasels her way into his life, driving him to distraction and making him fall for her. She frazzled his mind with intrusive thoughts of her, so strong he needed a sabbatical. Then she’s dismantling the fundamentals of his team, everything he and his mentor worked their careers to build. Now, he feels as if he never really knew her at all. 

Tobias Carrick always coveted everything Ethan Ramsey had; even after their medical school years ended, the distain still existed. Ethan could handle it all - every single dig and undermining being thrown his way. He learned to rise above the schemes every time Tobias tried and failed to outdo him. Ethan Ramsey was capable of moving on, forgetting everything without a second thought. 

Everything except for this. 

This was the one thing he could never overcome. She was the one thing Tobias could win at. 

It never even crossed Ethan’s mind that Tobias could have her too. Even worse were the thoughts of how Tobias could have found her. Did the universe bring them together just as he assumed it divinely brought her into his life? Was he always destined to have to fight with Tobias for all he earned? 

Ethan noted how he could never be narcissistic enough to send a one-night stand a gift basket.

Yet what made Ethan stir the most was how unashamed and brash the gesture was. Aside from the subtext, Ethan could never bring himself to send the woman of his affections flowers - their dynamic was far too complicated for Ethan to send Becca a token of appreciation. 

So he grasped the bottle firmly by the neck and pulled it out of the box with an unsatisfying creak. 

With one blind, emotional action Becca had unknowingly ruined everything they had or could ever be. Ethan Ramsey will never come second to Tobias Carrick. Ethan may have had Becca first, but with her dubious action she made her choice. 

It wasn’t him. 

He carried the bottle back to his desk and sat down.  

“What’re you doing?” Becca questioned from the place she’d been stuck standing in for what felt like eons. Her eyes blinked rapidly as if what she’s been experiencing was just a nightmare and at some point she’ll wake up. 

But this wasn’t an illusion. They both knew that. 

This was how it ended. 

How something that barely even began washed away with the stream of regret.  

“Exactly what Tobias intended,” he half-shrugged. Bending down, pulled out a crystal tumbler from the lower drawer of his desk. “I’m drinking it.”

The nonchalance of his tone scared her. It was late afternoon and Ethan Ramsey was about to have a drink. 

She was about to comment when he spoke first; 

“You’re dismissed.” 

It was definitive. 

He cracked open the bottle and poured a hearty serving, spinning around in his chair to look at the x-rays he’s already seen just so that his back was fully to her. 

Becca wanted to speak, to say something to make things better. 

It was a mistake. 

Back in those days she needed something, anything, to help her get over her all consuming feelings for Ethan and thought Tobias could help - that a random stranger could help numb the pain just a bit longer. 

She wanted to tell Ethan everything - every single thing that led her to the moment of weakness. 

But what was the point in telling him how much his disappearance and constant rejections hurt her? How many times can she tell him she’s fallen in love with him and her heart breaks every time they can’t be together? How she regretted the stranger the moment he had his hand up her skirt. How in the middle of Bloom’s living room her heart stopped beating when Tobias came to light and he learned of her true identity. 

How could she apologize for all of that? 

She was sorry, but sorry wouldn’t change the past. 

It couldn’t change anything. 

________________________________________

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[actress4him]

Bonus Whumptober Content Part 2

Original Whumptober fic here

Bonus Content Part 1 here

Find it all on AO3 here

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Thanks for all of the support on the last chapter! I appreciate each and every one of the likes and reblogs and follows I’ve gotten.

Tagging @outtacommission again because Keith would not have been resurrected from the dead without his bribery.

Here is chapter 3 of this fic... see you next week for the conclusion!

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Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Warnings: referenced amputation, blood mention, referenced broken bones, self-esteem issues, suicide ideation, death mention, nightmares, abandonment issues

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When he woke again, he was lying back down on the pillow, staring up at the blank white ceiling. For one, blissful moment, he didn’t remember the events leading up to him passing out again. But it all came crashing down on him an instant later, taking his breath away.

My leg.

My leg, my leg.

My arm, my face, my leg.

“Keith?” Shiro’s voice was quiet, tentative. Not like him. “Are you awake?”

He wanted to roll over on his side and ignore him. Close his eyes, maybe go back to sleep, pretend that the world and this nightmare didn’t exist for a little while longer. The only reason he refrained was because he wasn’t sure if his stupid, wrecked body could actually manage it.

“What did you do to me?” It was only a whisper, and as slurred as it was, he wouldn’t have been surprised if it was impossible to understand.

Shiro’s breath hitched audibly. If Keith had been looking at his face, he was sure he wouldn’t like the anguished expression that he would see there. But at that moment, he didn’t have the capacity to care.

“Do you want me to...explain...how it...happened?”

No. Yes. He didn’t know. He needed to know why him losing a leg had been the best option, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he could handle hearing about it. In the end, he just lifted one shoulder - the one that actually listened and responded right away - in a shrug. 

Shiro shifted in his seat, leaning forward so just the tip of his white bangs were in Keith’s periphery. “I already told you that you...died. On that planet. So when we got back to the Castle, you dying again was a distinct possibility. We...it’s like Fallenta said. We had to get you into a pod, even though your...your left arm was broken, and your knees, especially, were a mess from where the console landed on them.”

He paused, rubbing his palms together. “We didn’t know what would happen. I was scared to death that some of those breaks wouldn’t be able to be fixed after the pod. I mean, we were headed to Tellima, but…” His head dropped. “We had no choice. That hole in your stomach...you were dying.”

Keith could almost imagine it - the frantic atmosphere in the infirmary, the blood everywhere, the desperate conversations escalating into shouts as they debated on what to do. He had no doubt that he really had been dying, that they had made the choice they thought was best. He just wasn’t sure if he agreed with that choice. 

“When you came out of the pod, once the stomach wound was healed enough for you to be stable, Fallenta started working on re-breaking the bones so that they could be set correctly. It was...awful.” The shudder was obvious in his voice. “I’m glad she was able to do it, of course, but I’m also glad that you were unconscious the whole time. Your arm was relatively easy. Your left knee...it took her hours. It was in so many tiny little pieces. And your right…”

Automatically Keith flinched at the reminder of what was no longer there. Of the scarred, chopped off stump that lay just underneath the blanket, and the way his leg just...ended. He could see the void where the rest of it should have been even now, if he were to look down. He was purposely avoiding it.

Shiro heaved a huge sigh. “Unfortunately, your right knee was shattered in a way that had been blocking the circulation in your lower leg the whole time. The tissue down there was...dead.” He paused again. “Keith, I’ve...trust me, I’ve gone ‘round and ‘round in my head ever since we...trying to figure out if there was something I could have done differently. And...I don’t think there was. We did what we had to do to save your life. I’m just...I’m sorry that we couldn’t save your leg, too.”

His leg was gone. 

Would he ever be able to walk again? Could they find a prosthetic for him like Shiro had, that worked as well as the real thing? Even if they did, how long would it take him to get used to walking on it? Just walking, not even counting anything like running, jumping, fighting. 

Fighting was what he did. It was the one and only thing besides flying that he was good at. He was crap with a gun, he couldn’t sit up in a sniper’s nest like Lance. He needed to be able to move. If he couldn’t, even just for the time that it took to learn how with a new leg and an arm that only half worked...

They’d replace him. What good was a paladin who was crippled? Who couldn’t pull his weight? As soon as Red woke up and found out what happened to him she would realize that he was useless now. And the Princess, the rest of the team...they already knew it. They were probably already looking for a new Red Paladin. How long would it be until they dropped him off on Earth, or on some Coalition planet? Probably as soon as he was healed enough. They didn’t have time to keep taking care of an invalid, they had a universe to save.

They did. Not him. Not anymore.

“Should’ve left me there.”

There was dead silence for a moment.

“What?”

Keith tipped his head back further into the pillow, eyes roving over the featureless ceiling as if he’d see something new. “I tol’ you not to come. I tol’ you to leave me there. You didn’t listen.”

“And now you’re alive.”

“Yeah, but why?”

“Keith…”

His hands fisted in the blanket, jaw clenched in sudden fury. “Don’t ‘Keith’ me. Why, Shiro? Why am I alive? What is the point? You know what all this means.”

It meant he’d be alone. And he couldn’t...he couldn’t do alone. Not again. Not when he found a group of people that he actually cared about for the first time in so long. Not when he was just finally getting used to always having people around, always having someone to talk to or distract him from the thoughts that tried to consume him. Not when he barely survived it the first time. 

He’d rather be dead than alone.

Shiro sucked in a deep breath through his nose. “That life is gonna be hard for a while? That you’re gonna have to work harder than ever to get back to where you were? Yeah, Keith, I do know. I know more than anyone else.”

Oh.

Shiro must think he was so incredibly self-centered.

He was self-centered.

He should have thought about how acting like losing a leg was worse than dying would seem to the man who had lost an arm and kept going. But instead he was all caught up in how he was going to lose everything he had grown to love and rely on. Acting like the self-absorbed brat that everyone at the Garrison except Shiro had accused him of being.

“That means I also know how hard it is to accept,” Shiro was saying. “It’s going to take time to adjust. But you will, I promise, and I’ll be here to help you every step of the way.”

Yeah, right. Keith didn’t know if he was lying to make him feel better, or if he just hadn’t yet realized or accepted that Allura and the rest of the team wouldn’t want to keep him around.

“Just...please, Keith. Please don’t say that we should have let you die. You don’t know…” His voice caught. “I’ve spent these last weeks hoping, praying that you would live. Scared out of my mind every moment of every day that you wouldn’t.”

Keith finally forced himself to turn his head toward his brother and saw him brush the back of his wrist across his eyes. Just that movement was enough to make his heart drop to his stomach. Shiro didn’t cry. At least not where anyone could see him. 

Slowly, he slid his hand out across the bed, palm up. A peace offering. It took only a moment for Shiro to take it, squeezing it so hard he thought a few more bones might break.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. And he was. Not for thinking it, but for saying it. He didn’t want to cause any more pain for any of his friends. 

That’s why when it was time for him to go, he’d do it quietly. No fuss. Don’t let them see your fear or your pain - he had learned that long, long ago. He was good at it. 

Shiro gave him a shaky smile. “It’ll be alright, Keith. I promise.”

Swallowing down the words that sprang to his tongue, he gave a nod. “Okay.”

.

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The next morning Keith woke up to an empty room. In a way, it was a relief. They obviously didn’t see the need to watch over him and baby him twenty-four-seven anymore. But he was, for all intents and purposes, stuck. With no leg, he couldn’t just get up and leave the room whenever he wanted, head to the training room like he normally would in the morning. There’d be no training for him for a long time. 

Of course there was breakfast to think about, too, and he wasn’t sure whether to expect someone to bring it to him, or to bring him to it. Either way, he hated it. He had always hated being treated like he was helpless, and now it was even worse because he actually was helpless. 

He went ahead and made up his mind, though. No matter what their plan was, he had no desire to be carried through the Castle to the dining room where everyone would give him those looks of pity. Poor Keith. Can’t even walk by himself. It’s just too bad he can’t stay.

He was in the midst of pushing himself up off the pillows, trying to get his right side to cooperate long enough to get in an upright position he could balance in and trying to ignore the strange lightness of his leg, when the door opened and Pidge slipped in.

“Hey,” she said softly. Padding over, she perched carefully on the edge of the chair that first Hunk, then Shiro had occupied. 

Tucking his left leg up close to him - the knee creaking in protest at being used for the first time since healing - Keith cleared his throat. “Hi.” 

Silence fell, but it had never been awkward between the two. The introverted arms of Voltron. Pidge just gazed at him for a long moment, her eyes saying all the things he knew she would never actually be able to say with words. “It’s good to see you awake. I was really worried about you.” 

On the outside, she merely shoved her glasses back up into the bridge of her nose and sniffed. “You better not quiznakin’ ever do that again.”

Keith’s lips turned up at the corners for the first time since waking the day before. “Alright.” 

Besides Shiro, he thought he would miss Pidge the most of all. They got each other more than anyone else.

“So.” Straightening up, she whipped a tablet out of her hoodie pocket. “We’ve been working on a leg for you. The Tellimites have crazy good medical technology, so obviously we’re using their notes, but I’ve also been talking back and forth with the Olkari, because they’re, of course, crazy good with biological connections, and we’ve come up with a design that should communicate really well with your body and, essentially, work like the real thing.”

She launched into a detailed scientific explanation of how every inch of it worked, tapping and flicking through various diagrams that just looked like a plain prosthetic leg to him. He didn’t understand but a few words here and there, but he let her talk. This was one of her passions, and it was nice to let her be able to ramble about it for once without having to worry about being rushed. The way her face lit up was worth every second.

“So...what do you think?” Suddenly she sounded uncertain as she blinked up at him. “We definitely want your input on it. I mean, I suggested putting in a rocket booster, but Hunk pointed out that it would be difficult to control with only one. Lance wanted to add lasers that shot out anytime you stomped your foot, but that seemed pretty dangerous for like, running and stuff, so…”

It almost sounded like they expected him to still be fighting with this thing. Well, maybe he would. Eventually. After all, he wouldn’t feel right about just ignoring the existence of the war when the people he cared about were still out there fighting it, so he’d do his best to get back into shape. Maybe he could convince them to find a Coalition planet for him that had soldiers he could fight with someday.

It wouldn’t be the same as fighting with this team, his...his friends. But at least he wouldn’t be completely useless.

He met Pidge’s eyes and realized she was still waiting on an answer from him. Part of him wanted to keep his words to a minimum, not wanting her to hear his new speech impediment, but he swallowed his pride. “It, uh...whatever you guys come up with I’m sure will be great.” He actually hadn’t even been sure whether to expect them to work on it themselves, or put it off on the Tellimites or some other able species. It made sense, though, that Pidge and Hunk would want to jump on this opportunity to design something they had never gotten to do before. He forced a small smile. “But...yeah, let’s hold off on weaponizing it.”

Smirking, Pidge turned off the tablet and stuck it back in her pocket. “Alright, if you insist. Lance is gonna be super disappointed, though.”

“I’m sure.” He could hear the whining and complaining about how boring and unimaginative he was now. 

“So, I was supposed to ask you about breakfast…?”

Keith stared down at his hands. “Oh. Yeah. I don’...think I’m really ready to...try to move around yet, so…”

He was such a bad liar. But Pidge either didn’t notice or was being nice and pretending not to, merely nodding and standing. 

“Okay. I’ll tell Shiro, he’ll probably bring you a plate down here.”

“Thanks, Pidge.”

She turned back from the doorway and smiled softly at him. “No problem.”

.

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The nightmares came that night.

And the next. And the next.

Snippets of things he didn’t remember during the day, and wouldn’t remember again when he woke. Alarms blaring. Lights flashing. A horrifying crunching sound, then crippling pain and a bitter taste in the back of his throat.

And then...nothing. No one came. No one heard him calling. He stayed there, alone and bleeding in the dark, until the pain became too much and he slipped away.

He woke with tears streaming down his cheeks and a scream on his lips that didn’t quite make it out into the still air of the infirmary, not knowing what he was even crying about other than the nauseating loneliness that weighed him down, pinning him to the bed. 

Forcing his right hand to be the one to clumsily scrub away the tears - because it was going to work, dang it - he gritted his teeth and pushed against the weight to flop over onto his side. 

Get over it. Get over it, get used to it, stop being such a baby. You’ve always known that this wouldn’t last. It’s a miracle they’ve stuck around for as long as they have. If you try to hang onto them they’ll just end up hating you before they leave. 

.

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He got away with hiding in the infirmary for two days before Fallenta declared him well enough to be up and about, and Shiro and Allura showed up with the Altean version of crutches. They escorted him slowly down the halls of the Castle to the dining room, chatting amiably the whole way. Keith assumed it was meant to either distract him from his plight, or to keep themselves from staring and pitying.

“Hey, look who finally decided to join us!” Lance announced loudly as soon as he hobbled into the room. “It’s about time you were out of bed, Mullet-head.”

“What Lance means,” Hunk sighed, “is that it’s good to see you up, Keith.”

“That it is, Number Four!” Coran rushed to pull out his usual seat, and his smile was so bright Keith couldn’t even be mad about the special treatment. “You had us all worried for a while there, for sure!”

Swallowing, Keith fiddled with his spork, unsure whether he was supposed to respond. “Um...yeah. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Keith.” Shiro smiled at him softly, knowingly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He just barely kept another ‘sorry’ from escaping. Instead he nodded, picked up his spork with his left hand, and changed the subject. “So, uh...wha’s been going on lately?”

That was all it took for everyone to launch into tales of short missions in the Lions, repairs on Red, and alliances with Tellima. Keith barely remembered to keep eating his goo as he watched all of the animated faces and gesturing hands with a small smile on his face. It was good to be back among his teammates. They were so unlike him in so many ways, it was no wonder that he had never really fit in with them. But he cared about them anyway. They might not feel the same way about him, but he was so glad that they had become a part of his life. 

And now they wouldn’t be anymore. Scowling down into his bowl where no one would notice, he poked at the green goo. How did I let myself get so attached? Before Shiro, it had been many, many years since he had let himself care about anyone this much. He should have known better by then. Letting himself come to consider any person or place home was just setting himself up for heartbreak.

As much as he loved spending this last bit of time with them, he almost wished they would stop acting so natural, as if they weren’t getting ready to kick him out any day now. No one mentioned a search for a new paladin. No one said whether they were headed to Earth, or some other planet. 

He wasn’t going to be able to stand the suspense for many more days. They needed to just get it over with.

.

Later that night, after waking from another nightmare back in his own room, Keith stared at the bare walls, so lifeless compared to the other paladin’s rooms. Maybe I was always prepared for this moment, after all. Or maybe he had just been kicked out and left behind so many times that the ability to settle in was impossible for him no matter where he went. 

Struggling to sit up, he groped for the crutches and pulled himself to his feet. He wasn’t going to get back to sleep anytime soon, and no one had expressly forbidden him from venturing out on his own - not that it would have stopped him even if they had.

It took far too long to make it down the four hallways between his room and Red’s hangar. Walking with crutches used a whole new set of muscles that he wasn’t used to accessing, and trying to force his right side to carry that much weight was exhausting. He had to stop and lean against the wall, panting for breath, several times along the way. 

But he made it, eventually. He paused once more outside the door, debating whether or not he was actually ready to see the damage done to Red, before he sucked it up and punched the scanner.

He wasn’t ready. 

The great mechanical beast was lying on her side, a position that somehow managed to make her look vulnerable despite her hulking size. Her legs were splayed awkwardly as if she had just been dropped there. She probably had.

The worst part, though, was that her face was nearly unrecognizable. What had once been her muzzle was completely smashed in, there were spiderweb cracks across one of her dull grey eyes, and the other was missing altogether. 

Actually, he took that back. The worst part was the cold and the silence. 

No purr in his head to greet him. No eyes lighting up in recognition of her Paladin. No warmth filling up his chest and spreading out to his fingers and toes. With Red, there was always some kind of heat. Now, though, a shiver shook his body.

Clenching his jaw, Keith forced himself a few steps closer, until he could reach out, balancing precariously, and lay a hand against her warped, dented nose. It was cold, too. 

Suddenly tears sprang to his eyes for the first time since his panic attack a couple of days before. “‘m sorry, Red.” He stroked his hand over the metal, feeling all of the bumps that shouldn’t have been there. “I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. You...you’ve always protected me, and…”

Tipping his head back, he took in the mess of a cockpit again, and this time he saw flashes of his nightmare. Something sharp pinning him to the chair. Blood dripping onto the floor.

One tear escaped, sliding rapidly down to his chin. “I don’t even know how I survived this. But if either of us deserved to survive, it’s you. Please, Red...if you can hear me at all...please don’t give up. I know I...I can’t fly you anymore, but…”

It hit him then, the brutal truth of that statement. He’d never fly her again. He might never fly anything again. He’d known it ever since finding out what had happened to him, but now it stabbed him through the heart, how much he was going to miss this semi-sentient alien ship. 

Before he knew it, he was falling none-too-gracefully to the floor, one hand planted in front of him while the other remained on her snout, crutches clattering loudly to the side. The tears came in earnest, then. “Red...Red I lost my leg. I...I can’t fight anymore, I can’t fly…I’m useless.”

He’d told her that before. That time, though, she had reassured him that no, he was her Paladin, he was a defender of the universe, not useless. Never useless.

But now there was no one to reassure him. Even if she had been able, Red would know the truth. He wasn’t her Paladin anymore, he wasn’t a defender of the universe. He was useless.

Next

[twelvedaysinaugust]

I'm not sure if you follow the supernatural fandom but one of their stars, Misha Collins, accidentally insinuated he was bi at a fan convention over the weekend and then later had to tweet to clarify that he is in fact straight. And I mean there's a whole drama about that and a lot of the people in that fandom ship him with his male costar Jensen Ackles. It's called "cockles" and it's quite famous in that world. And Misha has a poetry book where he wrote about the time he kissed a guy and honestly before he "came out", a lot of us were pretty sure he was bi. Sorry for the huge rant. He was also married to his wife for a long time until a couple of years ago.

But anyway my main point, I got to thinking about how wrong I was about perceiving his sexuality even with "proof" like that poem or certain stories of the past where he alluded to being attracted to men. And obviously sexuality is fluid and can mean whatever the person wants but he did "come out" as straight yesterday and I kind of had to sit back and say to myself "what if I'm wrong about Louis too"

And quite frankly I'm a little conflicted right now because on one hand, I'm suddenly starting to think of how invalidating it might be to constantly call someone queer if they aren't but at the same time I have to think about why I feel that way you know? I mean even if we ignore all past evidence and Louis' intimate knowledge of queer history and certain choices he's made in the past, I keep coming back to these last few months. Particularly, the colorized pride flags. I feel like out of everything, that was the moment that I keep coming to whenever I feel myself wavering these days. That was a very deliberate choice that was meant to stand out. And outside the baiting theory, which I very much don't agree with, I'm not sure what the purpose of that if it wasn't queer coding?

Idk I'm just concerned sometimes that I might be reading things wrong because I've seen Misha's tweet where he said he was straight and I went back to Louis' tweet where he said he was straight and I just can never understand why I believed Misha but it's taking me so long to see that Louis is probably straight and this whole thing was just one big conspiracy that's gone on for too long.

I'm sorry for the long ask. I just feel like it's important to look outside our own perspectives sometimes, especially when it's about something as important as closeting and "pushing" a sexuality on to a public figure.

I'm familiar with Supernatural, Destiel, Cockles, and the situation that unfolded over the weekend. The questions you're asking resonate with me, 100%. I don't really have any answers, but I'll share some similar questions I have, even if they might be unpopular.

I'm always concerned that I'm reading Louis incorrectly. I understand why his fanbase believes as they do. But if Louis felt the need to deny the rainbow Apple t-shirt's (potential) LGBTQ+ connection, he could have merely said he was representing the original Apple logo and left it at that. No one was expecting him to "come out" as straight or define his sexuality - nor was the article suggesting that he was anything more than an ally. Unlike Harry, Louis has labeled himself as straight. Even if he's not, it still feels unethical for fans (myself included) to speculate or claim that he's queer. People are what they say they are.

Regardless of what is going on with Larry right now, you could never convince me that Larry wasn't real in some capacity, for some period of time. But Louis always denied Larry heavily when Harry did not. I know this is taboo to say, but sometimes I wonder if Louis didn't reciprocate Harry's feelings to the same degree. It makes me wonder if Harry was more of an exception and Louis does see himself as a straight man.

But then, why does Louis seem to know so much about queer culture and history? Why does his music resonate with so many queer fans? Even if he was questioning his sexuality for a period of time, why is he making a lot of not-so-straight choices on tour? Interacting with the Larry signs and paraphernalia, yes. But colorizing the flags in the IGTV video? Given what his fanbase believes?

What about female hookup stories? Why are there so many stories about Louis turning down female advances? Because he was being faithful (to Eleanor or Harry, take your pick)? Because he’s not into women at all? Possibly. But he had a child with a girl on the LA club scene. We saw pictures of him getting into cars with women (but whether he actually slept with them is another matter). And people will deny this, but Louis made out with Briana - very publicly - while they were clubbing. But even during spring 2015, why did the groupies (who knew of Briana but did not think highly of her) doubt that Louis got her pregnant (iirc)? Why did they never mention Louis as someone who would sleep with groupies and said that if a girl claimed to have slept with Harry you knew she was lying? I find all of this very hard to make sense of from either a Larrie or an Anti perspective.

Certainly, bisexuality and pansexuality are very real. But why are there virtually no male hookup stories? (Maybe Aiden Grimshaw during X-Factor? Maybe?) Because Louis has been in a monogamous relationship with Harry for the last 12 years? Possibly. I know that's what most Larries believe. Perhaps Louis is especially discreet. I think that's a possibility, too. I have no desire to know the specifics - it's none of my business. I don’t discount the possibility of Louis having a male partner who is not Harry. That’s what I presumed for a long time, even though there’s very little direct evidence for it. But the way Louis is interacting with Larry signs on tour is making me rethink that.

I will never understand. And the thought of being so wrong - for so long - feels almost unbearable. What would that mean for Louis, Eleanor, Briana, Freddie, and their families? (Honestly, what does it mean for Louis, Eleanor, Briana, Freddie, and their families even if we’re right?) And what would it mean for the queer fans who saw Louis as a kindred spirit? Honestly, when I think too much about it I feel nauseous. Neither angle makes complete sense. But I feel like there are very real consequences associated with being wrong about babygate, Larry, and Louis' queerness.