#except the other day when i saw them on their apartment balcony as i was going to vote? we just exchanged a wave

[eddiediaaz]

why did my ex i haven't talked to in months just texted me to say liam payne is dead??????

[trippedandfell]

stop the world just to stop the feeling

The night before Maddie and Chimney's wedding, Buck and Eddie talk on a balcony. | 1.5k | buddie | ao3

Eddie’s just uncapped his second beer when he hears footsteps behind him, so familiar he recognizes who it is by sound alone.

“Hey,” he says, as Buck sidles into view, arms coming to rest on the balcony railing beside him. He’s got a drink in his hand, too - one of those fruity vodka seltzers that Eddie’s reluctantly started stocking in the bottom drawer of his fridge. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Buck fiddles with the tab on his can, the silver of it reflecting in the moonlight. “Something like that.”

His shirt is slightly too big, slipping down just enough to expose the sharp jut of his collarbone, the dark bruise forming on the edge of it. Eddie’s eyes fly to it without permission, and Buck flushes red. 

“It’ll be covered by the suit tomorrow, promise.”

“Mm.” Eddie takes another sip of his beer, ignoring the sour way it curdles in his stomach. “Good. Think Chim’s one incident away from going full groomzilla.”

“Can you blame him?”

“Not at all,” Eddie admits, and Buck huffs a laugh. “You should have been me the night before Shannon and I got married. I was a wreck.”

He’d been alone, in the shitty little apartment they’d rented once they learned about Christopher, Shannon spending the night at her mom’s across town to help them cling to some ragged sense of propriety that neither of them truly believed in. It had been one of the most awful, stomachache-inducing nights he’d ever had up to that point in his life, and it wasn’t until he saw Shannon in the church the next day, glowing in a way that had nothing to do with the bump hidden under the folds of her white dress, that everything had finally clicked into place.

“Hi,” she had said, reaching out to squeeze his hand, and Eddie had let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Buck’s staring at him now, as if he can sense the myriad emotions playing out in Eddie’s head. “It’s so weird,” he says. “Maddie and Chimney have basically been married for a while now. But all of this just makes it feel so real.” He gestures a hand at the expansive hotel grounds, the ocean beyond. “I mean, my parents are here.”

Eddie knows. Eddie had done an exceptional job at ignoring them at the rehearsal dinner that night, tucked in the corner by himself, Marisol having gone to their room earlier with a headache.

He feels a brief, guilty flash about leaving her alone now, although she’d been snoring when he’d crept past Chris on the sofa bed and out into the light of the hallway. He wonders, idly, if he should have left a note.

“They seem to be behaving,” he offers, which is about all of the goodwill he’s able to give the Buckley parents at any given time. Buck makes a face at him, and he adds, half-teasing, “for now.”

As far as he knows, they haven’t said a word so far to Buck about Tommy. He should probably ask, but somehow he can’t make his mouth form the words.

Buck drums his fingers against the balcony, quiet. “Do you ever think about it?”

What, fighting your parents? Eddie almost jokes, but he knows that’s not what Buck’s asking. “About getting married again?”

“Or getting married at all,” Buck says, and there’s something in his face, something suspiciously like longing, that has Eddie taking another gulp of his beer. “Like, big reception, flowers. The whole nine yards.”

“I wouldn’t do a big reception,” Eddie says, shuddering. “Just in the backyard, or something.”

Buck cracks a smile. “You do have a nice backyard.”

“You’re just saying that because you did all the landscaping,” Eddie says, bumping their shoulders together. “I had to weed it the other day though, so I should at least get partial credit.”

Buck looks sheepish at that, which wasn’t what Eddie was going for, but also wasn’t not what he wanted to happen. “I meant to come do it this week, I’ve just been -”

“Busy,” Eddie finishes for him, which isn’t fair, not really. Not when Buck is still over at his house most days, not when he hasn’t missed a single one of his afternoons out with Christopher. It’s just that there’s now a new purple marker in his kitchen, carefully outlining Buck’s availability on the calendar.

Eddie’s never had to schedule Buck in before. Not with Taylor, or Natalia, or even Ali, way back when. 

Combine that with the fact that Buck’s now asking about marriage…

Eddie drains the last of his beer. “You should get some sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Buck agrees, but stays where he is, shoulder still pressed against Eddie’s. “Hey - uh. We’re good, right?”

“Buck, you’ve already apologized.” And grovelled, and apologized again, until Eddie was back from medical leave and working with the 118 again.

“Not about that.” Buck shakes his head, the movement bringing him closer to Eddie still, their forearms nearly overlapping on the railing. “I mean - about me. And Tommy, I guess.”

And Eddie - Eddie will be the first to admit it took him a second to come to terms with it, to fully wrap his head around the idea of Buck with a man and, more specifically, Buck with Tommy. But he’d hugged Buck, and stumbled his way through some approximation of support, and then gone home and researched until his eyes were burning and he’d bookmarked every tab he could find about bisexuality and being a good ally - so. He thinks he’s been doing okay, overall. Certainly not poorly enough to make Buck question if he’s been harbouring secret homophobic tendencies all this time.

“You know I’m good with that,” he says, and means it. “And you and Tommy seem - really good. So if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Buck’s eyebrows crinkle together, and Eddie has to resist the fanatical urge to reach over and smooth them out. “I know. I know you are. But something else just seems - wrong.”

“With me?”

“With us,” Buck says, voice veering toward frustration. “Come on, Eddie. You know you feel it too.”

Something thumps in Eddie’s chest, like his heart is suddenly trying to beat out of his chest. “Buck, I promise nothing’s changed-”

“But something has,” Buck says. “And I don’t know what, and it’s driving me insane, and every time I’m at work or at the gym or even with Tommy-” Wait, what? Eddie thinks, panicked -  “I’m lost in my own head, wondering how the fuck I managed to mess up the most important relationship in my life.”

“You didn’t fuck anything up,” Eddie says, honest. “No one did. It’s just - growing pains. You’re in a relationship, I’m in a relationship - it’s natural that we maybe don’t come first for each other anymore.”

Buck stares at him, the corner of his eyes suspiciously red. “We both know you don’t actually believe that.”

He doesn’t, but they’re veering into dangerous territory now. “Buck-”

“Why is it different now?” Buck says. “We’ve both dated people at the same time before. Taylor and Ana, Marisol and Natalia. Why is this different?”

Eddie doesn’t feel like he’s capable of breathing. “Buck-”

“It’s not because I’m with Tommy,” Buck says, raking a hand through his hair. “Or that I’m bi. It’s not actually any of it, is it, Eddie?”

He doesn’t sound angry, just - resigned. Tired. The beer bottle is clammy against Eddie’s palm. 

“You never answered my question earlier,” Buck says. “About if you would get married again.”

When Eddie speaks, his voice feels like sandpaper. “Maybe. If it was the right person.”

“Is Marisol the right person?”

“Is Tommy?”

Buck flinches, minuscule. “I asked first.”

“You know what my answer is, Buck,” Eddie says, and he’s tired, so tired. 

“You know mine too,” Buck says, soft.

He does know. Just like he knows Buck’s favourite song, favourite dinner, favourite feel-good rom-com. Just like he knows that Buck will spend all of tomorrow night dancing with Tommy, but he’ll save one dance for Christopher, spinning him around the middle of the room while Eddie watches. Just like how he knows -

“Eddie,” Buck says, and Eddie realizes how close they are now, facing each other with the moon still high overhead, lips a hairsbreadth apart. “We can’t.”

Eddie can feel Buck’s exhale against his lips. “I know,” he says. Taking a step back feels like swimming against a riptide, but he manages to get his limbs to cooperate eventually. “We should head back in.”

Buck swallows, chin bobbing as he nods. “Yeah. I’ll - uh. See you tomorrow?”

There’s something here, slipping out of Eddie’s grasp. He doesn’t think either of them knows quite how to cling on to it. 

“See you tomorrow,” he echoes, and then Buck’s turning toward the door, back to the hallway that’ll lead him to his room, to Tommy in his bed.

Eddie waits until he’s fully out of sight before he follows.

also on ao3!

---

tags: @leothil @sibylsleaves @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @deformed-globule @cantyouseethatyouresmotheringme @silassstingy

[misserabella]

stray. pt.6

joel miller x fem! reader

< previous chapter next chapter >

summary; after saving Joel and Ellie from the brink of death, you get caught with having to live with two more strays.., and you don't do strays.

REMINDER: english is not my mother language so i apologize if there are some mistakes <3 !¡either ways, i hope y'all like it. <3

REPOSTS AND COMMENTS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!<3

warnings; eventual +18 content! MINORS DONT INTERACT IN THE CHAPTERS WHERE IT IS IMPLIED IN THE WARNINGS. and smut, mentions of death, possible deaths, blood, fighting, angst, fluff...

warnings for chapter 6; so much fluffffffff, tension, arguing, cursing, kissing, cuddling, ellie being a sweetheart and loving reader…

Please, under no circumstances, repost my work on any other sites. I do not consent to anyone taking my work and posting it as their own.

When Ellie woke up it was too early in the morning, sunrise, just when her body started to notice the lack of warmth. Her hands reached out for something, for you, her fingertips meeting nothing more than the cold sheets that once had surrounded you.

She frowned and sat up. The darkness of the salon swallowing her whole and a gust of air coming from your open balcony met her when she stepped outside of the room. Outside was Joel, smoking, probably awake since not long ago.

“She’s gone.” he said, without even looking at her, and her shoulders fell when her suspicions became real.

-

You were gone for three days. Enough time for Ellie to finish reading Alice in Wonderland. You felt as the white rabbit. Always too fast to reach, too quick to disappear and leave her behind…

You closed the door of your apartment, your back aching for the weight on your bag. You sighed when you pushed yourself to your sofa, and oh god, it for once was comfortable.

You left your bag aside and leaned on it. You felt at peace just when Ellie barged in the salon from your room.

“Oh, fuck! You’re alive! Now I owe Joel the sausages of my next breakfast.” she whined, and you rolled your eyes.

“Nice to see you too, brat.”

“Where the hell did you go?” she inquired, a curious expression on her face when she saw you get up and get your back.

“Went looking for this.” you said, getting out of it about five books, some big, some small, and all about the same thing; the space.

Her eyes widened, her heart stopping inside her chest.

“No.” she said, in disbelief.

“Yeah. Went to the library up east, thought you’d like having something more of your liking to read.” you scoffed, feeling awkward. Ellie’s hand were almost shaking when she took them from you. Physics, astronauts, NASA, the universe, the planets and every little star that was known to date before the outbreak… Everything.

“Thank you.” she whispered, shiny eyes still on the books in between your arms. “Thank you so much, y/n.” she smiled at you, and you scratched the back of your neck.

“Yeah, uhm… Whatever kid.” you said, pulling your bag over your shoulder. “I’m gonna go sleep now, alright? Would probably be passed out for a couple of days. Don’t you dare wake me up.” you said before entering Laura’s room and leaving your backpack on the floor. You sighed when one of the paint cans rolled out of it. You took it in between your hands. Black.

You looked up to Laura’s ceiling, and sighed.

“Well shit.”

-

Your body was covered in sweat, and your muscles ached and burned with every new punch you gave to the speed bag.

It was dark at night, no soul on the streets, everybody fast asleep. Everyone except for you. Your mind was clearly a mess, and your eyes were unable to close. Training always helped you with the fear that you always felt, but this time it was stronger, and none of your punches or kicks could make it go away, beat it out of yourself.

All of this scares you shitless. The things you’d found lately doing, the person that lied stuck into your head like the roots of your hair…

Every time you closed your eyes there was him, him and his stupid hair, and his stupid brown shiny eyes, his voice, his warmth and his smell.

You wanted it all out of your head, him out of your head.

You turned around when you heard footsteps at your back, and for a moment, you were in a dream. You had to be.

“You’re back.” Joel was resting against the threshold of the door to the training salon where you boxed and boxed everyday to get stronger, rougher…

There was this silence. This unspoken tension in between the two of you that begged you to lose yourself, to ignore the warnings from your head.

He couldn’t help but take you in, with rosy cheeks and shiny flushed skin, hair wet on a high ponytail.

He was like a ghost, a ghost that you couldn’t scape from, that haunted you when awake and asleep.

“Joel…” you muttered his name, and he stepped inside the room. The air around you seemed to instantly weight down on your shoulders even harder.

You couldn’t scape from him, couldn’t scape from it all, right?

“You look good.” and by that he meant that you didn’t look hurt, not like the last time. That was good.

“I know my ways.” you shrugged, and balanced the bag, that had been swaying due to your last punch. He looked at you, and you looked at him. There was it again.

“Ellie showed me the books.” he said, and your eyes darted away.

You shrugged, trying to hide your true intentions.

“Needed to go for some things to the next town and found them.” you explained, the silence in between the two of you feeling like stone over stone, a tall wall.

“You do that a lot.” he said, and your breath hitched when he took a couple of steps closer, facing you. You could almost feel his warmth fill the air around you.

“What?” you inquired, and he was looking down at you, his head cocked slightly to the side as one of his hand reached out for you, for a lock of hair that had fallen on your forehead. You shivered when he pushed it away, his fingertips like electricity against your skin.

“Run away.” he answers, and you fell silent, until you could make the words stuck on your chest leave your lips.

“I don’t run away, Joel.” you spat, and pushed his touch away, but he just simply took your wrist, his grip soft against your skin. It burned.

“Oh but you do. You’re doing it right now.” he whispered, and your body froze. He was so close it was hard to breath.

You squinted your eyes, and in a quick movement you had pinned him to the floor, your hips straddling his, his hands on each side of his head. You felt like burning on a fire place, like snow melting under the sun, like a fire cracker being light up. You felt like giving in, like making your head stop whispering your fears, to stop the clock and freeze the time, to give into his eyes and lose yourself on his touch, on how he spoke, on how he felt…

“I’m not a coward.” you muttered, anger dripping from your lips, your eyes hard as a glaciar, but Joel was like the apocalypse, was like the unstoppable rising of global warming, and you were falling apart, melting.

Your breath left your lungs when you found yourself pinned below him, one of his hands harshly pinning your wrists to the floor, one of his legs in between your own and his weight on top of you to make you stay still. You were trapped. But had you ever been free?

“Then stop running.” he whispered, and your heart pushed harder against your ribs. His eyes were on you and solely you, his face just mere inches away. “Please stop running from me.” he muttered, and your eyes fell to his lips, to his healing cut, to his tongue dampening them. xxx

“I can’t.” you whispered back, but you were moving closer, giving in. It was unstoppable, you were drunk on his skin already. Addicted to the possibility of him. “I shouldn’t.” you said, and Joel’s grip on your wrists faltered, your voice sending chills down his body.

But now his lips were brushing yours, and your body was arching for his touch. Your mind was dead silent, as if he was the answer to all the questions, to all the doubts, as if he was the only thing that could make your world stop spinning, stop hurting.

His lips felt like stepping in heaven, like finding water in a desert, like being able to eat for the first time after starving for weeks…

He quickly let go of your hands to capture your waist, your own digging in his grayish hair. You were like gasoline. And he was a lighter. You were too gone to think about the disaster, about the fire.

He groaned against your lips when you pulled from his hair, pushing him harder against you, opening your mouth for him. He was quick to give it to you, pulling from you so you could straddle his lap once again, sitting softly on his strong and thick thighs.

“Joel…” you whispered against your lips, your mind screaming for you to run away the moment you pulled away to catch your breath, but he was nipping at your neck, and your body was consumed in electricity. He must have seen that look in your eyes, ‘cause he was quick to act.

“Don’t run from me.” he pulled you back to his lips, his arms surrounding your body to press you impossibly closer to his chest. It was an indescribable feeling, to have you this close, to taste the sweetness of your mouth, to tell your heartbeat against his…

And that’s when you noticed that you’d had it wrong this whole time, ‘cause truth was that you couldn’t. You couldn’t run away from him anymore. Not ever.

You melted in his arms.

“I’m right here.” he promised, muting all the warnings in your mind. And for once, you believed him. Ignored them. ‘Cause he was kissing you as if the world was ending, when in reality it was starting for you once again.

-

“Okay. Close your eyes. Don’t you dare fucking look.”

“I won’t.” Ellie groaned as you pulled from her through the salon.

“Good ‘cause then I’ll kill you.” you threatened her, opening the door at your back and dragging her in. You turned on the lights to Laura’s room, room which you hadn’t let anybody stepped into for days on end, until now. “Okay…” you said, your breath shaky and shallow. You were nervous. Terrified. You’d finally finished it. There were still bits of paint on your hands. “You can…, look.” you said, slowly. And Ellie at the same pace pulled her hands away from her face and opened her eyes.

Her heart skipped a beat, her lips parted in a breath.

You were looking at her, staring at the ceiling, her shiny eyes sparking with the stars you had drawn all over it, the colors of the space, the little constellations drawn by hand. By your hands…

“I was thinking you could… Stay here. Larry seemed to have taken a liking to the two of you and…” you took a deep breath in, her eyes now on you. “I want you to stay.” you muttered, your gut growing in knots. “You don’t have to. I was thinking that you could use this room and… Since you told me you liked the stars and the space so much I went to that town where I got your books and…” you were babbling, unable to stop talking when suddenly she was hugging you, knocking the air out of your lungs.

“Thank you.” there were tears brimming her eyes, and she was clinging to you as if you were the last anchor to this cruel world. “Thank you.” she repeated, and even if your arms were shaking you hugged her back.

“I get that as I ‘yes, and thank you for the drawing, I love it’?” you sarcastically played it off, trying to lighten the weight of the situation. It was suddenly too much, but not enough at the same time. It felt nice. To have somebody to look for again, to love again.

“Yes. I love it.” she repeated, and she smiled at you, letting you go and looking once again at the ceiling. “But what about Laura… This is her room.” she whispers, careful, softly…

“I’m sure she won’t mind sharing it with a brat as cool as you.” you said, and her smile only grew even more. You let out a laughter when she only came back to your arms, her head resting on your chest. “Okay, kid. Enough of that.” you played, pushing her away.

“Can I keep her drawings? I like watching them.” she pointed at Laura’s sketches, still hanging on the walls.

“Of course.” you smiled, the air around you feeling somehow warmer.

“Oh, and y/n?” she suddenly called out for you, your eyes back to her.

“Yeah?”

“Could you teach me how to draw?” she inquired, and you couldn’t help the huge smile that softened your face.

“Yeah.”

-

Things between you and Joel were silent. Dead silent. Since that kiss… Since those eyes had begged you to stop running away from him… You hadn’t even be able to look at him, ‘cause you knew that the moment you would, you wouldn’t be able to stop the dam that captured all your feelings to fly open.

You were smoking on your balcony when you heard him close the door to your apartment. It was late at night, and Ellie was sleeping in her now room. With charcoal all over her face since she had stayed up late while you taught her how to draw the anatomy of the human body.

You were on your fifth now, and your body was begging you for even more. Now that you could feel his presence, hear his steps getting closer…

You felt like pray. Like a rabbit trying to run away from a wolf.

He sat by your side, and the gravity pulling you down on your seat seemed to increase.

You took a drag of your cigarette, and when you heard his own sizzling you couldn’t help your eyes to drift towards him, towards the bear on his jaw and chin, the mustache rimming his lips, the hard lines of his face, his nose, his eyes, his eyebrows, his hair, his neck, his chest…

“It’s rude to stare so much.” he casually said, and you looked away as fast as you could, harshly swallowing. That’s when you felt his index finger and thumb took your chin to make you look at him once again. “Did I tell you to stop?” he muttered, and you looked into his brown eyes, he was now closer, his thumb caressing your chin. “You keep trying to hide from me.” he said, and you sighed when he pressed against your bottom lip, his eyes taking you in. “Trying to act like you can’t feel how much I want you. How much I want to kiss you right now.”

“Joel…” you called out for him, but your next words got swallowed by his lips when he kissed you. Your eyes closed as you leaned in it, your arms surrounding his neck.

“You’ve saved me. Multiple times. You still save me everyday.” he whispers against your lips, and there are goosebumps creeping up your skin when his fingers trailed down your neck, softly, mere fingertips against your skin. “Let me save you.” he begged, and your heart ached. ‘Cause you liked him. You liked Joel Miller. And there was no turning back from that fact, not if you were scared you’d lose him too, scared of your heart breaking again. Your eyes were watering, and his were beautiful. “Can I kiss you, y/n? Can I hold you?” he inquired, mere centimeters separating you two.

And when you nodded, he didn’t waste time to surround you with his strong and warm arms, your cigarettes long abandoned and forgotten on top of the balcony table.

You could taste the remains on his lips, taste his need to keep you close, to love you.

“Joel…” you cried out when he kissed you softly, so softly it was ripping you apart. So softly it was leaving you naked in front of him, freeing you of all the walls you had surrounded yourself with.

“You’re beautiful.” he muttered against your lips, and you swore you could die when his mouth left soft pecks all over your face.

“Please don’t leave.” you whispered in between his hands as he cupped your face, kissing your forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise.”

And he repeated it over and over again as he carried you to your bed, where he laid you and pulled you flush against his chest, holding you like you didn’t know you needed to be held. “I promise.”

Joel was gluing all your broken parts back together.

-

taglist; ♡

@bubbles-for-all-of-us @hiphopdancer101universe @amethystwonders11 @mmeerraa @azxulaa @euovennia @twilightsbiggestfan @dabria14 @minaxcarter @lynndaline @frogjumps-world @cassiepascal @mdnigts @fudosl @batweildinglittlepysco @doodlebob-mp3 @boh3mian @saintmagx @scaredknight @ipadkidsworld @somebodytookmyusername @natalia42069 @cassrox @seninjakitey @maddsfilms @issybee0611 @corpsebridenightamare @eddie-munsons-slut @wren-2-d @hiroikegawa @luvwanda @hawsx3

pedro pascal masterlist! <3

joel miller masterlist! <3

a/n; AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! there’d probably be about 1 or 2 more chapters, sadly enough. hope you liked this one, and thank you for all the support!! love you<3

[misstodorokifreelance]

BNHA Hybrid Head-canons

Boku No Hybrid Academia anyone???

I have head-canons for my three main boys (Todoroki, Bakugou and Midoriya...in that order of personal preference. Hehe.) but I also have head-canons for Kaminari and Kirishima. If you would like me to do a part 2 please let me know!! I don’t do the villains or teachers though, maybe Dabi is an exception. It's been a while since I was on Tumblr but I'm back and will mostly likely be around weekly so don't forget to check in. Now, when it gets to the Rut section it’ll be very smutty and suggestive, so an NSFW warning goes out.  TW: general smut, oral, breeding kink, mommy kink, praise kink, a lil non-con.

First things first though, here are some Hybrid AU head-canons for the world! 

 ✨ Hybrids appeared in the world in much the same way Quirks did. Now most of the population is partially human and partially animal, and they classify themselves as half way between.  For example; A Human-Cat Hybrid would be classified as Homo Felis, where as a Human-Fox Hybrid would be classified as Homo Vulpes.  ✨ Hybrid students are encouraged to act as human as possible, so on weekends or holidays they often just relax and use their animal instincts.  ✨ Some Hybrids gain extra abilities due to the species they are, such as better vision, extremely agility or even camouflage.  ✨ Sadly a lot of the ‘full-blooded’ humans look down on Hybrids, and often try to pick out ‘pure’ bloodlines to ensure the species. However with how prevalent Hybrids are they the world as become fairly forgiving and accommodating towards them, and they just want to be understood by the humans. 

✨ UA has had to build the dorms more like miniature apartments, and the students are encouraged (or more often that not just can’t be ousted from the property) during the holidays, when most Ruts start picking up. It’s fairly common for the students to group up and have quick flings to help each other out, but when two students are in a relationship it’s mutually agreed that they’re out of bounds for everyone else. No matter how desperate. 

Now onto the boyos!

KATSUKI BAKUGOU

🔸 Hybrid: Cat

General Head-canons:

🔸 Katsuki would start out very aggressive, often getting into fights or chasing after the other Hybrids he saw as ‘prey’ such as Midoriya, however he never intends to eat them, just make himself to top cat in the dorms.  🔸 His collar has a chain attached, because the teachers rightfully think he’s quick to anger and potentially violent. Katsuki would throw massive furious tantrums about it and tear the collars to bits, until you and Kirishima finally bought him a spiky red leather collar, which is only one he will ever wear. 

🔸 Katsuki loudly proclaims not to care, but when it comes to you he’s always listening. What food do you like? What colour clothes do you like to wear? Is there a new book or game you want? He’ll buy it for you, and proudly present it to you only in private. As soon as you show any thanks he’ll throw it off and hiss and make a scene, but you know he’s blushing internally. 

🔸 He sneaks onto your balcony at night, and uses his long claws to deftly pick the lock so he can sneak it and do some tidying and generally neaten your place up. He absolutely denies it, but he adores it when he sees how grateful and surprised you are. After the first you times, you took to leaving your balcony door unlocked for him.  🔸 He is so FLUFFY! Like Persian cat fluffy. Most of him looks human, but he has the softest blonde ears and tail, and the slightest fuzzy patches along the back of his hands, forearms and on his chest. He’s very proud of it, and grooms himself sometimes three times a day. He’s not the biggest fan of showers though, unless you’re in it with him, but then he’s too busy staring at you. 🔸 Seriously though, when it comes to towel drying he fluffs up like a cloud, and it’s so adorable like OH. MY. GOSH! 💕😘😊 He pouts though. A lot. He’d much rather use his tongue but he hates getting fur in his mouth. You though...you could use your tongue. Pretty please?? 🔸 When it’s just the two of you, he’s a lot sweeter. He loves cooking for you, but it’ll always be spicy. He adores spicy food, or sparring with his best friend Kiri right in front of you to prove that he’s the strongest. As soon as it’s over though he’ll tackle you onto the couch and either curl up in your lap, contently prideful, or sulkily flicking his tail and internally begging for his ears to be rubbed.  🔸 He loves cuddling you, but he demands to be the big spoon, or to flop on top of you with his face resting on your chest, or in your stomach. He purrs really loud, and it’s reserved ONLY for you.  🔸 Katsuki is possessive AF. He hates smelling any other Hybrids on you, and will immediately throw you onto the bed and make sure it’s only his scent that’s on you. He’ll literally stand in the hallways and hiss at any other guys that brush past you accidentally, or on purpose. He knows you’re gorgeous, and he wants everyone else to be jealous of him.  🔸 Katsuki is a consent king. He would hate to hurt you at all, but he would absolutely play up the rough predator prey dynamic even when he just wants cuddles.

🔸 Some of Kitty Katsuki’s favourite things; Spicy food, knitted blankets, the red spiked collar, watching cooking shows, balls of yarn (only black or red though, he’s picky). 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔸 Katsuki gets super irritable to everyone other than you when he’s in a Rut. Part of him hates feeling so pent up and needy, but part of him also likes it, and it never ceases to surprise you when he actually says ‘please’. 🔸 Whilst he doesn’t really have a breeding kink, he simply HAS to claim every part of your body, cover you in his scent and make sure after all is said and done everyone sees the bite marks and sheepish blush on your face. 

🔸 He gets restless too, the longer it goes on. For the first few days he’ll hide it, merely getting snappy at people, but his hands and eyes will wander, and he’ll be lowly growling in your ears trying his best to sound casual. He’ll shiver whenever you’re near him though, and he’ll quickly disappear to the bathroom for a decent length of time until finally he can’t control himself anymore. He NEEDS to be in you, to feel you, to claim you as his. He’s aching, his body is dripping with the desperate desire to be in you and he’s almost incoherent as he half begs half demands that you take your clothes off before he does it for you.  🔸 He’s loud, and he gets even more turned on when in a Rut if you are as well. Scream his name because it gets him near feverish in the moment. He doesn’t care if he fills you or not, anywhere is good enough. Across your chest and he may just lap it up himself before making out with you. 🔸 One lengthy round is enough for one Rut, but it’s gotta be hours worth to truly satisfy him. Afterwards he’ll bundle you up in his arms and tell you how good you were, and that you’re his Princess. Trust me though you’ll need the aftercare he’s ready to shower you with, you’ll be sore all over. 

IZUKU MIDORIYA

🔹 Hybrid: Bunny

General Head-canons:

🔹 When you first meet Deku, he’s extremely skittish, often thumping his foot loudly and dashing away whenever anyone got too close or too loud. However once he’s made a couple friends, most of his foot thumps are when he’s excited or geeking out over something.  🔹 He has a soft spot for tinier Hybrids, but his reaction to bigger tougher species is very different depending on A- his mood, and B- personality type. Especially for taller, louder females, he has the level of relationship verging on mommy issues. He’s way more competitive with the other guys though, standing a little out of place being the long eared bunny boy amongst the predator Hybrids.  🔹 His ears are almost too long for him, flopping over adorably whenever he tilts his head. It’s enough to make anyone squeal over him. He’s so heckin cute! 🔹 He rambles a lot, and doesn’t mind if you zone out he just wants to express his excitement about whatever he’s learned today. He especially likes it if he’s curled up under a soft blanket with you.  🔹 Bunny Deku likes things tidy. He loves going around organising things or just cleaning up a room, and he’ll thump his feet happily when you praise him before dashing in for a cuddle. He’s strong though, and loves proving it by lifting you up off the floor and spinning you in a circle. 🔹 He loves the rain, prefers it to showers, but loves bubble baths. He’ll often watch a documentary or listen to music, humming along to the songs. If you pop in to see how he’s going he’ll disappear into the bubbles, blushing furiously, but he actually really likes it when you come to check on him because it makes him feel loved and cared about. He’ll do the same to you as well, waking up once or twice in the night to make sure you’re okay, or popping into a room if you’ve been there a long time. Just to grace you with his bright wide eyed smile and ask if he can do anything to help.

🔹 He does get a little self conscious about the fuzzy patch of light fur along his arms and legs, but he’s super proud of his delightfully poofy cotton tail. When you tell him he’s handsome he’ll do a happy dance and shower you with kisses and little nose rubs. (I’m dying of cuteness imagining it! 💕😘)

🔹 Deku loves parading you to and from bed when you’ll allow him to, likes you feeling his sturdy pecs through his shirt. He works hard to keep his body fit, and will go for jogs at dawn or dusk depending on whether or not you want a quiet night.  🔹 He’s a very attentive boyfriend, and with his bunny ears he’s always listening out to see what you need, or if anyone is talking smack about you, or is into you. If either of those happen he’s not a happy bun at all, and will call them out publicly. Everyone else in 1A think you’re a cute couple, and he’s super happy whenever he hears that.  🔹 He’s a mama’s boy, and she loves you too. Honestly all she wants is to not have a hundred grandkids, praying that your genes outweigh his bunny ones. You’ve heard her say so many a time, and Deku blushes bright red whenever she does. 🔹 Some of Bunny Deku’s favourite things; being outside, watching cartoons, All Might (the famous bunny hero himself!), bubble baths.  Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔹 Deku doesn’t at all like being in a Rut. He knows he has a terribly strong breeding kink, he can’t help but imagine you with a belly full of kits, and it gets him all riled up and whiny. He’ll lock himself in his room and even sometimes have Katsuki on watch to make sure he doesn’t make a dash for you in public.  🔹 He’s almost desperate when he finally gets to be in you, quick and breathless and begging for more. He needs it, because his body aches to know end and his little bunny brain is screaming for him to fill you up and keep you like that to ensure he gets to see that cute round belly full of baby bunnies. It’s why he gets so embarrassed whenever his mother will tease him. Don’t be surprised that he’ll need a few rounds to calm him down to the point of even being logical. Lucky Kacchan’s there to knock some sense into him, sometimes literally.  🔹 From day one there’s a massive shift. The usually cheerful Deku is near tearful with desperation, and he needs all of your attention, needs to be touching you all the time. Sometimes it scares him, and he hates feeling like he’s forcing himself on you even when you comfort him and tell him it’s okay, and he tries to stay as sleepy as possible so it’s all cuddles and he doesn’t have to feel his body betray him, constantly dripping, as desperately horny as his brain.  🔹 He really likes suckling though, whether or not he’s in a Rut. He just loves running his tongue over your nipples, it’s comforting to him.  🔹 He also switches from having major mommy issues to being dominant and needing to take charge. When he’s dominant he needs to nip and bite at your shoulders, he has to hear you tell him that you’re his and nobody else’s. When he’s submissive he’ll whine out for you to touch him, to milk him dry as many rounds as he can until he’s exhausted. It’s the worst in spring, and that’s when Shoto, Iida or Kacchan are basically on watch 24/7 for the first few days. Don’t worry too much about him though, he’s not shy about resorting to using pictures of you, or his imagination and the torn apart pillows that you both annually end up having to replace. 

SHOTO TODOROKI

🔸 Hybrid: Exotic Cat (think Bengal cat)

General Head-canons:

🔸 Shoto’s father was one of those ‘elitist’ humans who went looking for a woman with a pure bloodline. Shoto still finds satisfaction in the fact that his maternal grandmother was a Cat Hybrid, and the gene resurfaced with all the Todoroki sons, with only Fuyumi as the only girl missing out. He’s even more happy that he isn’t anything rare like a Snow Leopard, even if he resembles a more expensive feline breed. He looks mostly human though, apart from the tail and ears and longer claws than some of his friends. His eyes are human though, without the slit pupils.  🔸 He lives full time at UA, tired of the way his father pushes Fuyumi to treat him and his brother like pets not siblings. Maybe that’s why Touya left, Shoto isn’t sure. He’ll visit his mom though, a lot, because he’s inexperienced in love, as well as the ways of a Cat Hybrid, and wants to be the best boyfriend he can be. 

🔸 Most of the time he’s quiet, regal, and keeps to himself, but Shoto is very, VERY protective of you. If he’s not right by your side, he’s within visual distance of you whenever you’ll allow it. He will downright hiss at anyone trying to mess with his perfect baby. 

🔸 He’s super smart, but a little clueless at certain things, so Midoriya or more often than not, Kaminari, will explain stuff to him. He has this natural ability to pick up things very quickly, and this surprised everyone including himself. He just sorta picks it up and its phenomenal.   🔸 Shoto downright adores getting to curl up with you, tail around your waist, whispering praise and sweet nothings into your ears. His kisses are just as sweet, a quick peck followed by an adorable blep and quick lip across the same place he just kissed. He likes scenting you casually within view of his friends, he gets a kick out of it.  🔸 He has a cheeky streak, and will steal items of your clothing to keep with him so your scent is always nearby. He’ll hold your hand in public, and rather aloofly ignore other women. He likes his classmates though, and will do his best to help them study so long as you’re there to look at. You’re so beautiful, he just wants to admire you. 

🔸 Shoto prefers any more intimate behaviours to happen in private, even just making out. He’ll always make the first move, and ask in a velvet voice that’s impossible to resist. He has pet names galore for you, but has definite favourites; Baby, Love, Snowflake, Sweetheart, just to name a few. When you do make the first move on rare occasions, it stuns him, and then he’ll blush madly and hide his beaming face.  🔸 Enjoys playing up the predator prey dynamic when it comes to intimacy, but is fairly laid back and romantic with it. 

🔸 Doesn’t know how to cook many things, but loves soba. If you make it for him he’ll follow you around for hours, purring and wanting to touch and hold you in thanks. He also loves sharing baths, he thinks you look cute covered in bubbles or when he can wash your hair in the shower for you. 

🔸 Some of Kitty Shoto’s favourite things; soba, late night cuddling, sharing food or experiences with you, a small All Might plush that you found hidden under his pillow. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔸 Shoto can feel himself entering a rut, and his brain switches fully into prowling predator mode. He’s aching inside, but he wants to hide it, make it game and truly earn it when you catches you. The heart pumping chases throughout the dorms is enough to have any of the other feline classmates hiding themselves away, they know well enough to leave Shoto to the hunt.  🔸 He’ll be half growling half purring when he finally gets to you, his eyes hungry but too polite to tear you to shreds before you’re ready for him. He’ll beg for you to let him inside, let him claim you, let him do whatever it he needs to in order to quell the burning inside him. 

🔸 He’s loud as well, half yowling one of your name nickname as he thrusts as deep as his considering length can get inside you. As a Todoroki, of course he has a breeding kink, but he also has enough self control to switch things up to prevent him filling you if that isn’t what you’re feeling that day. He loves it though, loves watching your face, loves seeing you filled up. It’s the edge of heaven for him, and he isn’t shy to let you know that.  🔸 A couple rounds is all he needs, then he’s good, but almost every day of his Rut you’ll see the burning in his eyes, his hungry desire. Everyone else can see it too, but they don’t bring it up because he’d get incredibly sheepish. He can control himself enough to not be a dripping mess, but it takes a lot of composure and sometimes he’ll be a man of even fewer words during the day.  🔸 He prefers intimacy at night or in the evening, and sometimes in the shower if you let him. Otherwise he’ll just be a loving, purring heap of red and white sleek fur in your bed, ready to shower you in expensive gifts for putting up with yet another Rut. 

EIJIRO KIRISHIMA

🔹 Hybrid: Dog

General Head-canons:

🔹 Eijiro is the big energy brother to so many of the class. He’s enthusiastic, playful, a little ditzy, but protective and kind with bucket loads of advice and positive mental health to provide.  🔹 Though his ears and tail are black, he dyes his hair red because it reminds him of his favourite hybrid hero. He’s a little jealous he isn’t part shark, but he also loves being the bundle of love that he is, especially for you.

🔹 He may have a little motley crew of friends, but you are his everything, his world, his galaxy, his universe! If he can be helpful, just give him the instructions and then he’s off and running to do as good a job he can so you’ll praise him. He LOVES praise, he thrives off it, and gets a visible pep in his step when you call him a ‘Good Boy’ or especially a ‘Manly Pup’. 

🔹 Whilst Eijiro likes reading, he’s not the most attentive in class. He’d rather run around outside, testing his metal against the other students, or go teach the younger Hybrids useful skills such as gardening or writing. If you recommend a book to him however, he’ll sit in a corner of a garden or park and read it for as long as you’ll let him before coming back to the dorms. 

🔹 He has a MASSIVE appetite, but tries not to look greedy. Luckily you, Katsuki and the other people who cook in class know to make big portions, cause they’ll never be left overs with Eijiro around!

🔹 He prides himself on looking well kept for you, and beams if you wear his hoodies in public. He loves the look on other guys faces when they can smell his scent on you without him getting worked up and overstimulated, because by god does he get overstimulated. 

🔹 Touch is something Eijiro dreams of, to have your body against him, or even just hold your hand. He has to hold himself back from licking you all over, but the tongue kisses are DIVINE with him. It’s a bit longer than normal, and a little wider, but it’s always a pleasant surprise when his excitedly voice trips into a bark and he pounces on you for a make out session. 

🔹 He gets very hot and bothered when you’re flirty, his body instantly kicking into animal instinct mode. His brain will get fuzzy and all he can think of is him, in you, and then PUPPIES. Not even the round pregnancy belly, just the idea of him being a dad. 

🔹 Some of Puppy Eijiro’s favourite things; gardens, good books, playing sports, praise. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔹 Like I mentioned, he gets very riled up from touch, but when he’s in a Rut it’s almost unbearable. He’ll be very whiny but not want to seem annoying, but his whole body is aching and dripping and every second he just wants to feel you. 

🔹He loves both giving and receiving oral. He prides himself on his long tongue and the moans you make send him into overdrive and before you know it he’s inside you, desperate to fill every inch of you again and again because his animal brain demands he has puppies. He’ll feel bad and apologise after every Rut, but he knows deep down you love him no matter what.  🔹 Unsurprisingly he has a slight breeding kink, and also a praise kink. On the days he can’t see you he’ll disappear into the shower again and again, always in a change of clothes, telling himself he’s a good boy just so he feels praised. 

🔹 He’ll steal your panties when in a Rut, basically anything that smells like you, half ashamed as he’s desperately trying to deal with the feelings. He’ll be an laundry duty for the next week, and you know why but you love him too much to say anything. 

🔹 He likes to switch up positions between a handful of favourites. Doggy style is surprisingly second to when you ride him and he can fully lose himself, yipping and crying out your name until he’s got nothing left. 

DENKI KAMINARI

🔸Hybrid: Tanuki (I’ve not seen this anywhere else, and I’m lowkey surprised!)

General Head-canons:

🔸 Denki is a little ditzy, full of energy, and well loved (well... tolerated) by most of his classmates. He’s cheeky, and a bit of a prankster, but also self confident and athletic. When you first met him he instantly tried to make a move by stealing your stuff until you came looking, then he came clean and bluntly said you were hot. 

🔸 Denki lives to make you feel like a QUEEN. He’ll play imaginary trumpets when you enter a crowded room and always be at your beck and call. He loves telling you how beautiful you look or just praising the fact you exist.

🔸 He’s not shy about affection, but plays it up casually otherwise he gets very awkward, nervous laughter and everything. He’ll kiss your cheeks and nose in public whenever he can, then whisper a quick request for more cuddles later.  🔸 He loves cuddling up with you with popcorn and watching scary movies. Pulling you into his lap so he can protect you makes him blush with pride, and then blush as he often gets a little turned on if you accidentally nudge him.  🔸 Not overly horny or desperate outside of a Rut, Denki still enjoys his time with you, especially on special occasions, or any occasion. Did you pass a test? He’ll cuddle and kiss you for hours. Did you fail a test? Same deal, you tried your best! 🔸 He wears slightly baggy pants, because as you found out, Tanuki’s are generously endowed, and he doesn’t want anyone but you seeing.  🔸 If you point out a cute woman or man or person  to him, Denki will happily look over and appreciate them with you. He’s not afraid to be honest about what he finds attractive, because then the two of you can adopt little style habits or ideas for roleplaying if you ever feel in the mood to do so. 

🔸 He’s thought about being a dad before, but it doesn’t get him worked out. He just hopes one day he can dote on you even more while you’re pregnant and then help you raise a little life or two together. He also likes filming videos of the two of you dancing, Mina put him up to it cause she thinks its cute. 

🔸 Some of Tanuki Denki’s favourite things; making fun dance videos, scary movies, innocent-ish pranks. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶: 🔸 Denki’s big, and he prides himself on it, but always takes care to be gentle at first. The eye flutters and moans you make are the perfect encouragement. You deserve this love, and he’s gonna make you feel so so good! 🔸 He loves switching whose the dom and sub, and especially loves it when he can suckle you. Something about it makes him giddy with excitement, and gets him really really turned on at the same time.  🔸 When he’s in a Rut he gets a massive spike in nervous energy, and is itching to touch you, or even just see you undressed. He doesn’t care if he has to get on his knees and beg, or if you simply strip down and watch him. He just really really wants to get the aching out of his body. 

🔸 His hands wander, definitely, even in public if he’s in a Rut. He’ll either find an excuse to disappear into the dorms or get back there just so he can spent the next few hours fucking your brains out, or getting sucked off. Either works for Denki he’s just eager to be physical with you. 

🔸 He especially likes when all the messy, wild fun is over, that you’re covered in his seed and he can then treat you to a warm bath or shower and then massage you lovingly all over. He loves getting massages as well, and says it’s the perfect way to destress and unwind to help him get through a Rut quicker. 

🔸 Denki really does seem to have a kink for finishing all over you, collar bone, chest, stomach, back...he likes it, and more often than not it’ll lead to another few rounds. He’ll have that shower ready in a flash though, don’t you worry!

There we go! If you want to see some more UA students (mostly 1A please), then let me know and I’ll write up a part two. I already have some ideas for Jirou and Yaoyorozu. Hope you enjoyed my return to Tumblr. I have a QUOTEV account too where I’m writing a Todoroki x OC fanfiction. Check out Freelance if you are into that sorta thing. 

-Till next time!

[cazzyf1]

My favourite quotes and facts from "Wolfgang Graf Berghe von Trips - Biographie von Reinold Louis'

Warning: I've been translating this book from German to English as I read and took down notes, so some of the quotes are not grammatically correct or sound off due to the translator

• He believed in God

• His mother nicknamed him 'Little Wolf'

• Up until age six Wolfgang von Trips grew up alone away from children, so when he first went to school with others he was beaten by mean kids as he didn't know how to interact around them

• "I was never beaten. With one exception: when I was said to have lied, which wasn't true. I was always raised to be completely honest and have always followed this. That's why I was incredibly insulted at the time because people didn't believe me and because I felt the punishment was unfair." -p23

• The first time he drove a car on public roads was when he was 14 and out horse riding with his dad. His dad's horse got spoked and his dad fell off and smashed his nose. Wolfgang was unable to keep control of his horse so had to let him go and hope he went back the stable (which he did) while Wolfgang ran home, told his mum what had happened and got a family car out, drove it through the village to his dad and then drove him to the doctors

• "I had to stand in front of this Christmas tree and the nativity scene and recite my Christmas poem: 'I come from deep in the forest, I have to tell you, it's very Christmassy...' The memory of this is very deeply embedded in me. -p26

• Wolfgang was intrested in astronomy but never got the time to look more into it

• He didn't like spinach

• "What I saw of the war back then, what I had to go through myself, affected me very much and, as they say, I literally collapsed and was then sent home." - p34

• "I said that I was once very idealistic and devoted myself to all things that in our country were called war and defense of the fatherland. And now the war was lost. That was actually a complete inner breakdown for me because I simply didn't know where I belonged now." - p37

• "I had never been on a motorcycle before, so I had a crazy fear of the monster. But I dreamed of her and I wanted to take her to bed with me." - p42

• When Wolfgang was at his boarding school with his car, him and his friends would sneak over into the French border in his car and smuggle back wine to drink

• Wolfgang was arrested once in front of the British soilders as he had been trading farm food for tyres with a British soilder but then the British soilder died and some other soldiers discovered the tyres on Wolfgangs car and thought he had stole them

• "First day alone on Kreuzeck then Zugspitze, met 2 girls. Next day Wank. Met the ice revue girls again in the evening. Lived near me. From then on we toured together. Both quite nice. One too sensible. Other fall in love with me. Those were nice days"

• "I don't have a single real friend there either. I socialize like that with everyone, but it's not the right thing. The boys are completely different from here." - P49

• Wolfgang really liked going to the cinema, he saw films like 'The last Veil', 'People from the variety show' and 'Son ein Früchtenchen'

• At his apartment when at school he loved to sleep on his balcony when it was hot

• "It's actually funny, I still don't have a girlfriend, I have to laugh sometimes, and there aren't many sensible girls around either." - p50

• "I'm currently lying in my castle with my head under a deck chair because of the sun, eating crumble cake and drinking Biomaris. The boy is racing around like crazy trying to get to the girls. One of them keeps looking at him challengingly and it drives him completely crazy. I haven't met anyone yet, I'm just lazing around in the area." - p51

• "I haven't been happy with myself for a long time. The swing, the fresh naturalness, etc. have been lost to me here.But I don't want to believe what mom says about vapid selfishness. I defend myself against it. Must be different. Self-aggrandizing. I look bad, she says almost every time lately. I'm kind of weird too. Sometimes I don't feel completely healthy. Right now I'm ok." - p65

• Wolfgang von Trips was forced to leave his school as he wasn't doing well in his classes. He could recognise this and knew that he had no motivation for school as it was making him very lazy because he didn't have the energy to do well. All that brought him joy was his motorbike racing that he had started to pick up.

• His was then sent to another school to focus more on agriculture and found the people he was with more interesting than previously

• He didn't always eat well so his parents had it arranged that he could go to a hotel and get food whenever he wanted however when he wanted to buy a car he made a deal with the hotel that he wouldn't eat there anymore in exchange for the money his parents said and the hotel can pretend he was eating there

• "I was really afraid of death when I heard Beethoven's piano sonata op. 111" - p85

• "And then I'm so tense, kind of nervous. It's also because I deal with too many people and this causes me to tear myself apart. I don't have a steady girlfriend, sometimes I flirt with Erika Perps, then I'm with Erika Nies and Birgitta, I keep an iron in the fire everywhere and yet I'm not really friends with anyone" - p88

• "I'm not okay. I think Rosa likes me. It's a strange relationship between us. Somehow I know she's not right for me. I like her a lot and it's also very practical, but I've been looking for something else for a long time, but I don't have the energy to, firstly, get away from it and, secondly, to find a really nice, lovely girl who I like and who has something It requires striving for something more formed and more stable. Well, let's see how everything goes. I already had an unpleasant thing with my mother because of it. She spoke to Rosa's mother about us and this trivial matter turned into an embarrassingly stupid one because this one comment about her son-in-law was made to Heinz who told me about it. I stupidly raged at mom and now she snapped. Well, okay again now. Firstly, it's embarrassing for me and secondly, I definitely don't want anyone to say or suspect anything about Rosa and me in any circles. I wouldn't be happy with that." - p91

• "Unfortunately, I'm afraid of feelings and can't live them out or give myself up to surrender to them. I'm not honest with myself. Even with girls. I always played, never admitted my feelings, not even to Mira or to myself. Erika and Rosa now live together. Is it better for me? Erika is a lovely guy, I like him very much. Had some wine and liqueur last night. Was one with Rosa an hour alone in the room. Usual scuffle, she was very soft and had tears in her eyes as I tormented her with words. I like them, that's very clear, but somehow I have an obstacle. I'm almost afraid to bring about a discussion, an understanding, because then I no longer feel free and I don't want to commit myself under any circumstances, especially not in this case. It would be nice to simply like a person and know that they like you and to have mutual understanding and a feeling of togetherness. Then again I think it wasn't real with her and I'm too ashamed to reveal myself. But it's just the way it is, when you're intimate with a person, something has to say about whether you want to overcome me and I have it here or not. (Just writing this down now costs the fear of saying too much. But that also depends on the object.) Oh, what I would give for the moment when I could write affirmatively with all my heart here in this book "I'm in love" to show myself like that to people and calmly to the world around me. I'm sure I have these feelings now too, and sometimes I'm quite happy when I'm with her. But it annoys me that there is no one else where, as I said, I could freely admit it." - p94

• "The last few days have been completely under the influence of Marlene, my entire day thinking only revolved around her. Especially when I'm alone, I torment myself with the idea of ​​having to leave in a few days and then not seeing her again. I've never experienced anything like that in my life and I'm completely blown away. When I'm with her it's a little different, you don't think like that. But it's true that I love her very much. I've never seen a girl like that before, she's pretty much what I dreamed of, a real young, completely untouched girl. Think she loves me too. Went with her last night to the fireworks in a neighboring town (with her sister, her fiancé and an Englishman who, unfortunately, he was visiting her). I was able to curl up and walk along the bank with her. I could barely hold a conversation, it was strange. I always have the specter of never seeing her again and I'm just different in everything when I'm with her. There are no words to describe what it was like, I can only state the facts, not the feeling. Maybe later I'll remember how I suddenly took her in my arms and kissed her, not on the mouth. I took it easy for a moment and I've never seen a girl feel like that. Think it was her first hug. God, I want to capture all of this, but when I think about yesterday and read it now... You can't express it in a few words. was as if they were together men would sink. I don't know, she became very soft and walked completely differently without any support. I would have loved to tease her. Had to go back soon. She kept saying “you” to me. I asked her if she would like to have me. She evaded the fact that I would soon be leading. But she said that until now she had raved and was happy with a few boys and now that she had met me something had torn inside her. Have to ask her again what she means by that. Maybe things will actually get better once I'm gone. But now I have a fear of the descent that doesn't leave me alone all day long. This afternoon I lay in my bed and cried like a little girl. Child. Baseless. Then I slept a bit and then went for a swim, but always brooding and longing for Marlene. On Friday I was in Friborg with her and the really nice Englishman (I could kill him) in a '50 Pontiac Hydromatic. It cost me 150 francs, but I was with her. Sometimes she looks at you. I notice I'm going crazy, will it be over soon? Don't think so. It's pretty deep, but what should I do? Hopefully I can get her alone again, it's not easy. I never thought something like this could happen to me. I'd better stop writing, it'll all come out of one thing. I'm in love, I'm loved too, but what's the use? Lausanne-Cologne-Benefeld is too far, hopefully I'll probably get over it soon and so will she, the little one. But one more thing as a fact: I don't smoke anymore and not as long as I have my love for her. Hold on too, I know that..." - p98/99

• "I just have times when I have no vitality, I don't do anything, I'm tired and I see everything as if through a veil, I can't find an excuse for anything and I completely lose connection with the past and the future. By that I mean that all plans are forgotten and nothing is carried out what was planned. That nothing is planned for the future and that all further thoughts are no longer there, there is nothing that could give me a boost. Then the picture suddenly changes. You remember the good streak again, pick up old plans, make new ones, feel good and just have it no longer have these dragging feelings like before, is somehow freer, as if freed from a nightmare and can do something. I just want to know how this is connected, whether it's purely physical in nature is or whatever comes into" - p112

• Wolfgang would feel very depressed being back at home after he finished school. He felt trapped and being alone without any young friends was tough on him.

• Wolfgang has commitment issues and he found it hard announcing it to the world his feelings and that he is intrested in someone. Instead he preferred to hide it all.

• Wolfgang found it hard to figure out if what he felt towards a woman was love or infatuation. He would have sex with the girls he knew but was very hesitant to have relationships. His feelings would change quickly and he could quickly loose intrest. He did love Rosa a bit but not to the extent that she loved him

• He tried to quit smoking a few times but it would always come back

• "I actually like dancing, not very well, but I like it. I really like jazz music gladly. I also like classical music, thanks to my mother. My mother has a very great understanding of music. She used to play the piano herself, almost to the point where she was ready for a concert, and that's why we often had it in our house good music, piano concerts and stuff, heard. I was exposed to jazz music through the colored Americans with whom I had these discussions. They often played their records during the day and told me a lot about jazz." - p121

• "The days with Marlene in Heidelberg and Stuttgart were nice, but they could no longer be what being with the girl meant to me back in Switzerland. I was really in love then, but now I saw a lot of things with different eyes. Maybe my whole inner hollowness and apathy is partly to blame, but mainly the fact that the charm of the unspoken and very tender, unconscious and, to me, so foreign way of approaching and communicating with a girl doesn't mean anything under normal circumstances is extraordinary and therefore only the appeal of the real A very touching and very delicately hinted caress remains." - p121/122

• "then the moment comes when I'm standing on the street in Cologne and see the buyer driving away on my motorcycle, my R 51. My motorcycle, which carried me through the years, which was, so to speak, my everything, with which I drove to all my events and visited my girlfriend! This piece of my life was suddenly taken away by someone else! Then my world collapsed inside me, it was terrible, I stood there and wanted to cry" - p136

• "Wolfgang has a lot of self-doubt during this phase. He simply lacks a conversation partner with whom he can exchange ideas, who can inspire him or who can provide him with assistance in some other way. He often sits alone in his second room in Brühl and sees writing letters as the only way to express his thoughts" - p138

• "I sometimes see myself as the offspring of a rich family who races in his youth and has no idea about anything and no more money when he gets old. I dont want that...I still have to learn something, but I can't stop driving, I'm too invested in it." - p144

• "As I turned more and more to the car, this began to fade because I suddenly had something else on the side that I hadn't had before. She actually gave us the impetus, as they say, to break things off. Of course, I initially rejected this. Then, when she noticed that I was slipping more and more into this car atmosphere, I wrote She told me that it would be better if we separated so that we wouldn't destroy our beautiful memories too. It can no longer be the way it was anyway. All of this went through my head again when I didn't turn right as usual, but instead stayed on the motorway and continued driving. That was a moment I will never forget because it was probably the final crossroads. But at that moment I also realized that from now on a new life will begin for me and that everything will somehow be completely different. Actually, I was kind of happy about it. It was something new and I really threw myself into it and dedicated my heart and soul to this driving." - p146

• ">Ovo con salato - that was the first Italian I heard and that I wrote it down in my diary, and I always remember this “ovo con salato” fondly. So we all ate egg and salad and then it was time to go to our hotel, the address of which had been written down for us and which was in Gardone Val frompia. That was such a nice sounding word and I thought it was so great, that I constantly said it to myself, yes I had to say it because I often said it afterwards had to ask for directions. >Excuse me, where to Gardone Val Trompia? I had to learn this sentence by heart that evening and yet everything was so great for me that I hardly slept the rest of the night because of my excitement." - p147

• "But what moved me the most was the fact that I, who only had a shirt and trousers to wear, received a white overall from the Porsche mechanics with the words “Porsche” clearly visible on the back. That was really great for me" - p148

• "Helmut is very excited: Your parents are standing back there, I think they've already recognized me. What we do?" So I turn around very carefully and I see my mother with the binoculars, looking right at me. So there was nothing to be done and so I half a good face made the bad game and waved. She then waved and I went over to her to the delight of the audience in the stands who were watching everything. I found a place with my parents and from the stands watched the race for the “European Grand Prix,” which Juan Manuel Fangio won in the new Mercedes-Benz. I don't remember much else because the big races were at that time outside of my sphere of interest" - p157

• "When he took part in motorcycle competitions as one of the "three wild pigs", Rolf Clasen's wife always packed an extra package of sandwiches "ur da Jung" in his storage bag. And after he switched to a pumped Porsche, his sports mates Friedrich Victor H and Hans Lappe supplied him with food during racing events and the cook at eese Rolff often opened her pantry in the evenings when Wolfgang was on his way home" - p167

• "'Well, boy, now listen. You are now the young guy in the racing team and maybe you are even faster than Karl Kling. But it's certainly more intelligent if you stay behind him, because he's the big driver now, and since he wants to step down soon, it would certainly be better and so...” And so on. There I stood, a little embarrassed and didn't know how to behave" - p185

• "Then I was allowed to drive three laps and get out again. I was never told what times I achieved. Nobody cared about me. There was not a word of recognition, no advice or criticism. Nothing came, nothing at all and, to be honest, I was very embarrassed. Only one person took the time to talk to me and that was Juan Manuel Fangio. We didn't have a common language, but his comradely care for me, a newcomer, was evident in every gesture he made and in every word he spoke, which I mostly only partially understood. I never forgot that, even in later years when I was more firmly in the saddle and had found my own way, and I believe that there is no better way to carry and preserve the memory of the great man and racing driver Fangio than trying to emulate him in every way. Looking back, I don't want to blame anyone, because before this race everyone had to deal with themselves. It was quite a burden and I also had to master this car at speeds that were completely unknown to me up to that point" - p191

• Wolfgang experiences Christmas and the New Year on the high seas. Peter Collins is not only an ideal travel companion for him, but he is active also with great success as an entertainer for the passengers. If he his When stories are told about racing cars, the slopes and colleagues, those standing by listen, fascinated and mostly smiling. The ship is anchored in Montevideo for two days because the cargo has to be unloaded. After an afternoon stroll through the city, two passengers are missing: Peter Collins and a young Brazilian woman who got on in Rio. Excitement on board, especially with Wolfgang. The ship finally sets off half an hour late. Peter suddenly appears from the crowd on land collins at a stretched trot, holding the girl by the hand. Wolfgang has his film camera at hand and captures this scene. Collins gesticulates to find someone who is chasing the dwindling steamer with him and the girl in an ancient tucker boat. Hundreds Pairs of eyes follow the maneuver from the deck. The ship has to hey and shorten the distance. Sailors have already started down a gangway. The “pursuers” found it difficult to keep up with Taempo, but that made little sense because the distance was increasing instead of decreasing. Wolfgang rushes to the captain with two other passengers. When the command "Slow speed ahead" got to the engine room, the Boce got them. The two of them climbed on board with embarrassed faces. A nice spat from the captain follows and Collins, who was wrong about the time, falls out of favor with the passengers." - p229/230

• "An English friend Peter Collins dispelled all my doubts and persuaded me. I also have him to thank for the fact that my first racing adventure in a formula car ended well." - p231

• "I was amazed at the endless patience of Peter Collins, who came to me after every lap and told me what I had done wrong" - p232

• "I stood there closed my eyes, thought of an extreme curve and mentally performed everything that I had tried in vain to master during training. >Approach the curve, brake carefully, let it slide away, not too much, accelerate. How many times have I repeated this and muttered it to myself, rehearsed it in my head? I don't know it. Anyway, Mike Hawthorn poked me in the ribs and asked: >What about you? Are you crazy?<" - p232

• "Finally he arrived, and sure enough, he rolled up to the pits. I can't remember why I already had my helmet on and my gloves on, but that's how it was. All I had to do was get in the car and drive off. Nevertheless, my throat almost constricted with excitement. Galt. Maybe Collins' stay in the pits isn't mine at all? Then he waved to me. I couldn't believe he meant me and looked around for Mike Hawthorn, who was standing nearby. But Mike acted as if it was none of his business, even though it would have been his turn if Peter Collins had wanted to get out.. 'Come on, get away,' Collins said to me as he got up from the cockpit, and Icha was in the Formula 1 car faster than I had hoped and dreamed." - p233

• "I felt an exhilarating feeling because I knew that I had joined the circle of Grand Prix drivers and was accepted. But I also knew that I still needed a lot to become a master like my friend Peter Collins, who had selflessly given me a chance." - p233

• "Wolfgang races over a bumpy railway crossing.The car jumps almost a meter high and Wolfgang's provisions are thrown out. Now he only has his pocket supply of glucose at his disposal. And it runs out quickly. Wolfgang's physical strength dwindles, his concentration wanes, he becomes slower." - p240

• Enzo Ferrari definitely should have cut off Wolfgang's beard after this sensational placement. Because the Commendatore made Wolfgang's entry subject to the condition that if he placed from third place upwards, Wolfgang's memory of the Nürburgring accident would have to fall victim to the scissors. At the finish, however, Enzo Ferrari generously waived the agreement and so the "goatee" still adorns Wolfgang's chin when he is a guest at the Frankfurt Motor Show in October and is there for the press. dien poses. Huschke von Hanstein then had a brilliant idea. And so it happens that Wolfgang appears at the exhibition in the morning with a beard and in the afternoon, in a different wardrobe, shows up without a beard and asks an industrial boss, who rubs his eyes in surprise, whether he hasn't seen his brother." - p249

• "You talk about shifting your values ​​- I think that's only partly true. You already have the ability to love within you - but, I think, over time you have simply forgotten how to properly analyze your feelings. And so you have deceived people. I bet it's women who accuse you of callousness and coldness, women who hoped you would do things and do things that Dua can't do, for the one reason that your whole 'I', your whole life, your longing and suffering has a motto that doesn't tolerate rivals or secondary feelings: racing - you're a man possessed somewhere, that's not good because you're sacrificing too much, putting too much into one thing." - a letter sent to Wolfgang from a friend, p 271

• "Wolfgang makes garden plans, he “dusts off” the castle. His mother, a great supporter of natural medicine, keeps dozens of types of tea in a cupboard, almost all of which are so old that there is only tea dust in the boxes and bags. This is a thorn in Wolfgang's side and when his mother is absent again, he removes all the teas from the cupboard, buys a new cupboard and fills it with freshly bought tea herbs. His secretary's horrified question, 'Is this okay? he answers in his own way: >I want to tell you one thing, Ms. Floßdorf. If my mother finds out and I'm still here, I'll be hanging from a tree. But you’re right next to it!” »Me, why me? >You didn't stop it and you didn't tell my mother!" - p278

• "He, who has always gotten along well with Mike, finds this way of dying particularly tragic. A few days later he also expressed his condolences to Enzo Ferrari" - p178

• Count Crashes is what the English dubbed him after his spectacular fall into the rose bush at Monza. The aura of “Graf Bruchs” preceded him to the USA. But the Americans give it a different name: they call it Tattys respectfully and this name was first used by immigrants from Wales to describe people who, because of their courage and fearlessness, were exemplary and outstanding in the settlement of the former “Wild West”. were. Taffy, that's what most of his racing colleagues call him, is what journalists in newspapers, magazines and radio stations call him. And "Taffys is a popular and skillful interview partner and when his bright and bold boyish face with his lively gray eyes flashes across the American television stations in the bungalows, palaces, apartments, living rooms and even slums and he speaks easily in a bright voice, answers easily, even downright effervescently, then many a “lady” or “mommy” looks at the television screen with interest and fascination and lets the cooking pot be the cooking pot or the ice in the whiskey glass melting. Even after races, when only the stripes around his eyes are white because his racing goggles have kept away the dirt that has been swirling up over many hours, when his face is smeared and his hair is sticky with sweat, his entire appearance still reminds you of you Aristocrats and in his verve Robert Redford, who is already at the top of women's favor" - p 280

• "Wolfgang, who has been looking after young talent in motorsports for some time and always strives to get young athletes off the road and onto the safe airfield racing tracks for many people in the clubs." - p293

• 'Elfriede Floßdorf constantly supplies the beautiful Sicilian from Horem with “Muesli à la Wolfgang”, made from oat flakes, fresh fruits and honey from Hemmersbach production. When visiting Catania, Wolfgang can rely on a well-loved and familiar meal thanks to the care and provision of his secretary. Whenever possible, Wolfgang prefers "his" muesli to any other meal and when there are races in Spa-Francorchamps, the Nürburgring or Hockenheim, Elfriede is always there with fresh muesli to please the "Mr. Count" - like her yourself always expressed to seekers - to keep them strong and happy. His muesli also gives Wolfgang the strength he needs in the 1000 km race at the Nürburgring." - p295

• "When his parents are absent for a long period of time, he "makes a point of doing things." In the absence of a key to the room, which can only be accessed from the outside, he simply breaks a window and gains access. Then we tidy up, clear out and rearrange and finally a beautiful room is created that, after breaking through the door, can now be accessed directly from the castle" - p295

• "A second telephone is right next to her bed, because Wolfgang has the habit of calling almost always and from everywhere, just like that ask questions and give instructions. His many starts and trips in South and North America and later in South Africa mean that most of the calls come at night. When the phone rings on Parkstrasse in Horrem after midnight and Elfriede Floßdorf answers, his recurring question is also a greeting: "Have you slept yet?" - p313

• "Wolfgang is one of the witnesses and at the wedding banquet in the "Stallmästergarden" he has the Swedish Princess Birgitta as his table lady. This doesn't catch him unprepared, because Joakim has prepared him for it: "You will be Princess Birgitta's cavalier and that's why it would be good if your tailcoat, which has been under a lot of wear and tear recently, is thoroughly cleaned up." - p 315

• “They were color films, bright colors, but the most beautiful thing about them was what the young count said about them. It just bubbled out of him, and if these two hours could have been broadcast on television, it would have been one of the best. nest programs that have ever been shown." - p 316

• "But what was most charming was his lovely smile and the lively humor with which he knew how to spice things up without meaning to. You had to like Trips, even though he hasn't become a Fangio or a Caracciola yet." - p 316

• "And I believe that the moment we manage to use a technical object to increase our joy in life, our joy in learning - it takes a lot of learning to master such an instrument - and use it in sporting competition , we are not on the wrong path." - p 330

• To declare the right to want to practice our sport without hostility and defamation. We have to express that we cannot do this in the desired form under the current conditions because we lack events and people are negative, almost hostile, towards us . We have to find ways to exercise that exclude the dangers that motorsport has so far become famous for. We must present clear figures about events in England and America and make it clear that we motorsport enthusiasts are no longer willing to be treated as stepchildren.The event must be held in a representative setting. If possible, all sports and racing vehicles in Germany should be exhibited." - p 335

• "Now guess where I was?” The Floßdorf couple, once again brought out of their sleep by Wolfgang to gain entry to the castle and give him his keys, look puzzled. 1a in South Africa...< says Elfriede and husband Willi wants to add something, but he is interrupted by Wolfgang: »I was with the “good Lord”!” "Where were you?!" I gush about the events of the last few days I celebrated New Year's Eve with the Good Lord. You're amazed, aren't you?" Wolfgang's only joy is that he celebrated the turn of the year with the Aga Khan and many guests in his residence together with Princess Gabrielle of Savoy, whom he greatly admired, daughter of the Italian ex-King Umberto." P337

• "Let me tell you a short episode. I was racing with Fangio in Argentina and Fangio flew out of a corner in front of me due to a driving error. We talked about it afterwards and he said to me: 'Yes, I just made a mistake!< You see, a person like Fangio, who for us and especially for me is the greatest driver of our time, even he can fly out of a curve due to a driving error. For me it was, I would almost say, a great experience because I saw that even a driver as perfect as Fangio is ultimately still a person who constantly has to work harder." - p 343

• "This may sound strange, but I just don't have the energy to shake very many hands, so I usually put my hands in my pockets and just nod my head. So this is not rudeness on my part, just a protective device. Because many people think that I have to say goodbye particularly nicely." - p 366

• "There is a happy and exuberant atmosphere at the evening party. Wolfgang leads his guests through the old moated castle and some of the 45 rooms and shows them the sauna he built himself. Joakim Bonnier knows Hemmersbach almost better than he does at home in Sweden, because he is a guest here, often with his wife, and is always welcome. The guests are impressed by the castle." - p 396

• "The next morning he came for breakfast, we stayed together with small interruptions until the afternoon, swam and while we lay in the garden and enjoyed the sun, I prayed that time would stand still - but the good Lord was not merciful. And Then the moment came when he stood calmly in front of me and told me to keep my ears straight - and his last look, those laughing eyes, comforted me..." - p 399

[inverted-typo]

After drawing my last pic I can't stop thinking about them having to sneak out to see each other:

Maybe Raven isn't with the Titans and instead was taken in by Constantine. She spend her time living between the House of Mystery and an apartment Zatanna owns in Gotham. She's the most junior member of Justice League Dark.

Batman is already a little weary of her as she basically just showed up one day, but add on her demonic heritage and let's just say he isn't the biggest fan. However, in an unlikely team-up with Constantine and Batman, Raven and Robin meet. "She's harmless!" Constantine insists, completely aware of her world-ending abilities.

Damian is injured on this mission in a way that only magic can truly relieve him. Despite Bruce's hesitancy Raven saves him; thus creating that empathetic bond. Batman is grateful for saving him, but that doesn't shake his distrust of her in the slightest. Damian is told to keep clear of her and that they won't be collaborating again.

Clearly that doesn't happen. The two can't stop thinking about each other after that. When they dream, they see glimpses into the memories of one another. They can feel what the other is feeling when those emotions are too intense. It becomes impossible to ignore. After doing some digging in the Bat Computer, Damian learns as much as he can about her. He learns her human alias, he learns about her history, what limited knowledge they know of her powers. He learns about Trigon. He learns about how the Justice League refused to help her. Further investigation proves it was Batman who was the first to opt for not helping her.

Something ignites in Damian and suddenly he just realizes he needs to see her again. It's been like two months since that first and only encounter.

If she would have lived across the country in Jump City or somewhere further, he would've happily stolen the jet. But, thankfully, he noticed the local address and hoped she was home. (Damian would be fucked if she lived only in the House of Mystery)

Thankfully, she was home. Then things just snowball from there. Usually Damian sneaks out of his house to meet with her, because well, it's fun. But mostly, it somehow seemed more dangerous for Raven to suddenly teleport into Wayne Manor.

She's been told by Constantine and Zatanna that this newest Robin was not friendly and was extremely loyal to the Bat, so for her own sake it was probably best to keep her distance. She had briefly brought up that she thinks she made an empathic connection when she healed him. It was more the circumstances that kept them worried rather than the principle. Plus, Constantine thinks he's a prick so she'd be wasting her time anyways.

Despite both being superheroes, they rarely ever saw each other in costume. Raven never patrolled in Gotham, only lived there sometimes. Her business was usually in much more mysterious places. Damian on the other hand was hard to spot. The bats really did take to the shadows. Although from her room balcony, Raven could swear she'd occasionally see a familiar flash of yellow and red darting across rooftops a few buildings away.

This goes on for months. Raven was nervous she'd raise suspicion when she started spending a majority of her time in Gotham instead of the House. Sometimes, Damian had to actively act more brood-ish than he was actually feeling to keep his father's intuitive gaze distracted.

Damian has definitely used the "I'm patrolling with Jon" excuse when he didn't have a good opportunity to sneak out.

When they were feeling risky, sometimes Damian would deadass show up on her balcony in his costume (or not). Usually this was after a particularly bad day. Raven never teleported to the Wayne manor except for once, when she too had experienced something so bad she just needed to see him.

The nice thing about having a girlfriend who can teleport you literally anywhere in the world and beyond, is they got to have movie nights in New York, dinner dates in Italy, or simply a walk on the beach in Jump City. Despite the lavishness of their dating, they sometimes wished they didn't have to sneak around so they could just lounge together at home, order pizza and fall asleep to trash TV.

They're both sure their parents probably knew about it, but their lack of beratement from said authorities seemed to contradict that theory.

In a turn of events they are set up to work on a mission again and they’re reintroduced.

“You remember Raven yes?”

“…Yep.”

[tomorrowusa]

Yet another current or former Russian official fell out of a window to her death. If you're outspoken or know too much then it's a good idea to move to a single-story building.

A retired judge in Russia who had been involved in high-profile political cases has died after falling from an apartment block window. Natalia Larina, 50, was found dead outside her apartment block in the southeast of Moscow at 8 a.m. Wednesday morning, according to Russian news outlets, which listed a suspected suicide as a cause and said she had left a note. Since the start of Vladimir Putin's full-scale invasion of Ukraine, there has been a spate of mysterious deaths of high-level Russian officials, tycoons, oil executives and businessmen, a number of whom met their demise by falling out windows.

This sounds fishy considering that she was a judge and therefore somebody who would naturally investigate unusual and suspicious requests.

The Baza Telegram channel said that in the middle of May, Larina had been the victim of a telephone scam. Someone claiming to be her former boss contacted her, saying that attempts were being made to steal money from her account to send to Ukraine to fund its armed forces. According to Baza, she was told she would be contacted by Russian special services and Russia's Central Bank. She was persuaded to transfer one million rubles ($11,200) to a "safe account" and borrow another one million rubles from the bank to be transferred. She notified the police when she realized she had been scammed, Baza said.

So if you believe the Kremlin, she jumped out of a window because she couldn't live with such shame.

"The woman was very worried about what happened. As a result, all this led to a tragedy," said the outlet, which reported that she had a daughter who was a minor.

If Putin and his Kremlin cronies are typical, Russian officials are totally without shame.

Things were bad in Russia even before Putin's three-day "special operation" in Ukraine began 836 days ago.

Wikipedia has a list of over 50 Russian current or former officials and business executives who have died under peculiar circumstances since the start of 2022.

Not all of them fell from windows or balconies. Among the exceptions…

Gennady Lopyrev – "Died of leukemia two days after diagnosis. News agencies reported no previous signs of the illness."

Vladimir Makarov – "State-run TASS news agency reported him found dead, in an apparent suicide, following his dismissal by President Vladimir Putin."

Alexander Subbotin – "Reportedly died from a drug-induced heart attack during a shamanic ritual, though critics allege toad poison."

That list does not include political prisoners like Alexei Navalny.

Putin is running his own murder squad which operates both inside and outside of Russia. He genuinely doesn't care that everybody knows he's killing people he considers to be insufficiently loyal or possessing damaging information. He thinks it will make people fear him more. But it will also create more resentment internally and make other countries ramp up their own counterespionage operations.

Putin misses the Soviet Union and is trying to reanimate it for the sake of his nostalgia.

SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC: Natalia Larina was a retired judge. Around the same time I heard about her defenestration I saw another news story related to Russian courts.

Russian Supreme Court Bans Nonexistent Separatist Movement

^^^ why wait for an organization to exist to ban it?

[heavendear32]

Chapter 1. Let’s Begin

Summary: “I know the gods roam the earth because I used to walk with them”, Haneul is an immortal being with powers that most humans would kill for. When Haneul gambles with the gods, she loses her powers and without her powers she’s cursed to die by the next full moon. She hurries to get her powers back with the help from the last person Haneul wants to be around: a Demon.

Pairing: Demon!Hongjoong X Fem!O/c

Word count: 3,882

Warnings: mythical creatures, mentions of getting cursed, spiritual messages, mentions of religions, cussing, mentions of possession, mentions of magic usage, crying, abandonment, gambling.

Author’s note: please leave a comment if you enjoy my work:)

For being immortal, Haneul never could seem to get enough of human life. The mornings always seemed to be her favorite, the calm before the storm. She loved the sound of the city waking up before the chaotic rush that was human life. Her day always started out the same, as her alarm hit 6:30 Haneul was up. Her morning routine never took long, she would snap her fingers and her clothes would appear, she would then go into the bathroom and do what she normally did. Brush hair, brush teeth, get ready for the day and by that time her coffee would be done.

Haneul would sit on her balcony as she sipped on her coffee, a perfect view of the thing she cherished. Card honked and sped down the street, the noises of the city rose up into the air and met Haneul where she sat. There she would sit for however long it took to finish her coffee and once she was done, Haneul headed out of her apartment. People locked their doors behind them just like Haneul, before walking through the halls. Some said hello to her and others rushed past her either to their room or to the elevator.

She passed by a small woman who had an even smaller dog. Its eyes locked on the being as it barked and growled, Haneul laughed as the woman apologized. She couldn’t care though, dogs were smarter than their human counterparts. Haneul continued forward, turning the corner. A gasp left her lips as she saw the elevator door slowly start to slide shut.

Her walk picked up into a sprint as she yelled out. “Wait!”

The woman already in the elevator didn’t move except for her hand. She lifted her finger up and the door slid back open just as Haneul got there.

Haneul panted for a second before thanking the woman. She bowed to the woman before pressing her back against the wall. Every so often though, she took a peak at the woman next to her. The woman’s beauty was incomparable, she looked stuck in time as if the world had been moving around her while she stayed the same. She wore a long black dress that hung onto her figure, it match her long black hair and her white gloves matched with the white flower accents on her big derby hat. Her red lips were the only pop of color making her more fit for a black and white movie than modern day.

Haneul closed her eyes for a second, sighing before opening them. In the corner of her eye, Haneul gasped seeing the woman. Her clothes had changed into a silvery dress, her gloves now white and her derby hat was gray still with the same white flower accents. A small smile appeared on the woman’s face as she heard Haneul gasp.

“You’re not human are you?” Haneul asked suspiciously.

The woman’s beauty moved opening her bag, she pulled out a small compact. Haneul watched as she opened it and picked up the puff before tapping it against her cheeks.

“You younger immortals have no manners.” The woman tisked and Haneul gasped.

She bowed almost immediately, cussing herself out in head. How could she forget, the goddesses thought of themselves as the most important things in the universe. It was known that even looking at them wrongly could lead to a curse upon your entire bloodline.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get off on the wrong foot.” Haneul spoke as the woman just stared at her like a child. As Haneul pulled back up, the woman spoke elegantly. “It’s nice to see another goddess in the building. I thought I was the only one.”

She reached out her hand, every one of her movements seemed so smooth and like she glided on the air. The back of her hand was turned to the sky, Haneul gulped and took the woman’s hand with both of her hands.

“You can call me Ms. Dal.” Even her words seemed to come from her mouth smoothly.

Haneul bowed again as the goddess said her name. “Thank you Ma’am but I’m not a goddess.”

At that moment, Haneul realized that the elevator was taking a long time. With how long that they have been here, they should’ve been at another floor or the lobby. That it’s when the woman’s identity hit her, Ms. Dal or Moon in English. Haneul pulled her hands over her mouth, the goddess who was standing in front of her was Dalnim, the goddess of the moon.

“I didn’t know it was you, I’m sorry.” Haneul said dropping into another bow. Dalnim just laughed and put her hand on Haneul’s chin dragging her back up.

“Don’t apologize, many don’t recognize me anyways. They’re all too scared.” She shrugged and looked away, pushing her hair back over her shoulder.

Haneul giggled. “I used to look up at you all the time when I was a young girl. Your story was one I listened to every day. I always believed that if I climbed the highest mountain I would be able to meet you.”

“Well now you have, and maybe we’ll meet once more.” Dalnim said matter-of-fact. She stepped forward, and as she did the elevator dinged.

The doors slid open almost on cue allowing Dalnim to walk out. Just as Haneul thought the doors would slide close, the goddess turned around. Her heels clicked on the floor as she faced Haneul.

“Be careful Haneul, being immortal is no easy task.” With that, the doors slid shut and the elevator continued down.

Her skin tingled as the words swam through her ears. How did she know my name? Did she read my mind? Haneul tried searching for the answers before coming to the conclusion that it was a goddess thing. She pressed her hand against her heart, feeling it race under her skin. Haneul leaned back against the wall of the elevator, understanding the fear that Dalnim put into the hearts of other gods and men. Just like the sea, Dalnim was beautiful but also could be dangerous. Pissing her off ran the risk of her sending out an army of those loyal to the moon and Haneul didn’t feel like running away from werewolves or vampires in her lifetime.

“Miss?” A voice pulled her from her thoughts. Haneul blinked a couple times seeing a man standing in front of her. “Miss? Are you okay?” He asked shaking her.

Haneul nodded and smiled. “Sorry, I guess I was too deep in thought.”

“Well, this is the lobby and you need to get off.” Haneul looked past him at the open door and saw that he was right. Haneul apologized and quickly stepped off of the elevator.

She rushed to the door, taking a breath as she pushed it open. The sun warmed her skin as she stepped from the building, the bustling city moved around her. The cars honked and people talked as they moved down the street. It filled Haneul with joy and contempt, as she started moving down the sidewalk. Humans were social creatures, filling places with life.

The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out some headphones. They looked as normal as any other pair but they were a special kind. They didn’t block out the world but filtered it until Haneul heard what she needed. It allowed Haneul to do her job, it caught when someone made a wish. All of it was her, she made people fall in love and win more money than they needed and knew what to do with it. She could help find people or things, create relationships and destroy destiny with a snap of her fingers but everything came with a price.

That price was memories, no matter how hard they tried they wouldn’t remember their wish or anyone involved with their wish. Haneul had watched it all, friends who had been together since childhood forget each other due to greed, family lose their kin due to wanting just a few more minutes with their dearly departed love ones. Greed took more and more until people were no longer themselves. Haneul hated watching as it happened but those were the rules that they followed by. Neither man nor god was safe from the law of the universe.

The headphones sounded the same as when she had them off. Conversation flew by so fast that she could barely keep up with them. The day was young and beautiful though, and Haneul knew it would be a good day.

“Mom!” The cry filled her ears and she wasn’t sure if it was coming from the headphones or not.

The sound made Haneul stop almost immediately, as the crying of a little girl persisted. Slowly she reached up and pulled the headphones off, it continued. The woman searched for the noise, turning around and around until she spotted a little girl across the street.

She was small, most likely no older than 6 years old. Haneul watched as she wiped her tears and continued to cal out for her mother. No one stopped to help her, they continued to walk past her. Humans were unusual, sometimes they were wonderful and helpful and other times they were selfish and uncaring. It broke her heart as she watched no one help the young girl and she took it upon herself.

She stepped onto the street, cars flew past her honking for Haneul to get out of the road. The woman didn’t flinch as the cars barely grazed her, and all she did was hold her hand up. She looked to the side watching as one got closer to her but before it hit her, Haneul snapped and it seemed like time stopped. The car froze inches from the woman, the man in the car laid down on the horn but the sound never came. The people walking on the sidewalks froze in time, everything had stopped. The only sound was the soft sniffles of the young girl.

Haneul continued forward across the street and towards the girl. She continued to cry, digging her face into her hands not hearing the woman behind her. Haneul stopped right behind her and squatted down so that she was on the girl’s level.

“Little girl?” Haneul asked. “Why are you crying?” Her voice was soft and comforting.

The girl turned around wiping her snotty nose on her sleeves. She sniffed and answered between gasps.

“I can’t find my mom.” She broke out into another sob fit after the words. Haneul reached out and softly grabbed her shoulders, they moved up to cup her face.

Haneul put on a smile and wiped her flowing tears away. “Do you know where you last saw her?”

The girl calmed down once again, but the tears rested on her waterlines threatening to spill out. She shook her head. “No, I’m scared Miss.”

Haneul smiled at the girl, running her hands up and down her arms. Her tears welled up in her eyes and started spilling out. “I just want my mommy, I wish my mommy was here.”

Those two words made Haneul sigh, at least now she could help. That’s all she needed and so slowly Haneul stood up and took the girl’s hand. Slowly the walked away from the road and into a clear part of the sidewalk.

“What’s your name?”

“Hae-won.”

The small girl looked up at the woman, who brought her hand up.

“That’s a beautiful name, Hae-won.” Haneul continued with her comforting voice. Hae-won watched as she snapped her fingers and life began again.

People moved down the street and the man who had been honking for Haneul to get out of the road was confused. They stood there for a second, Haneul looked around waiting. Her wishes never took long and a second later, a woman came running from around a corner.

“Hae-won!” The mother called out for her little girl. Hae-won gasped and let go of Haneul’s hand, she felt Hae-won’s little fingers leave her grasp.

She watched as the woman squatted down scooping up her lost daughter before crying tears of joy. Haneul smiled as Hae-won’s mother made sure she was okay.

“Where were you, I was so scared.” She pushed hair from Hae-won’s face and cupped her daughter’s cheeks.

“That lady over there helped me.” Hae-won answered turning to point at Haneul but the woman had vanished. Neither her nor her mother would be able to see the immortal woman.

“It must’ve been an angle who helped you.” Hae-won’s mother said as she stood up, the two started walking in the other direction.

Haneul sucked her lip in, it was bittersweet. Oh how the woman wished to have a family who loved her, a family who care about her and was scared when she was gone. She had that, at one point or at least….Haneul thought she did. Kids never realize what they were wishing for, wishes were silly little words and Haneul couldn’t take that away from them. So Hae-won walked down the street with no consequences.

“You’ve gone soft.” Haneul turned her head to see Yeonjun standing behind her. “You didn’t even curse her did you?”

The woman ran a hand through her hair as she stared in the same direction where Hae-won had disappeared. “She’s a kid Yeonjun, I can’t do that to her.”

“What’s the age limit then? Teenager?”

Haneul rolled her eyes at Yeonjun, “this was a nice talk Yeonjun.” She started walking as she put one of her earbuds in. Yeonjun followed behind her. “Come on Haneul, I want to know. If a teenager wished for something would you curse them.”

“I may be an immortal being-“ Haneul hissed out. Yeonjun muttered under his breath. “God”

“Genie.” Haneul corrected. “But I’m not a monster.”

Just then, Haneul heard it in her earphone. The two magical words that gave Haneul her job, I wish. Her eyes darted around and saw her targets, two men stood in front of a TV holding harshly onto lottery tickets. Gamblers were the most common people who appeared in front of her. They always wanted more.

Haneul looked back over at Yeonjun who crossed his arms looking bored. He cocked his eyebrow and tilted his head daring the woman to do it. Haneul snapped and everything stopped once again, the two men started freaking out. They all worried about that and not what was about to happen. One of the men turned around and saw Haneul walking up to them and hit his buddy who turned as well.

“Who are you?” One of the men asked as the other nodded. “What’s going on?”

Haneul looked between the two men. “Sim Do-yeon and Noh Chang-woo. I am here to grant your wish.” They started to freak out.

Their eyes were wide as they tried to speak. Haneul stayed there waiting for one of them to actually speak.

“H-how do you k-know our names?’ Do-yean asked and leaned closer. ‘Are you stalking us?”

“I’m a genie here to grant your wish.” Haneul explained again and they scoffed. Chang-woo was the one to speak. “Put yeah and I’m a millionaire.”

“With my help, you can be.”

The men gave each other a look before they bursted out laughing. The woman sighed and crossed her arms across her chest, she was becoming impatient as they just continued to laugh. She could walk away, leave them be and just continue on with her day. That would be better for both of them but as she looked over her shoulder, she saw Yeonjun staring at her and Haneul hated when Yeonjun judged her.

“Since it doesn’t seem like you want your wish granted, I’ll be going.” Haneul went to turn but she felt someone grab her wrist. She turned and saw Chang-woo holding on her wrist with both of his hands. “Please, we’re sorry.”

“Thank you.” She turned around, pulling her hand from the man’s grip. They both stared at the woman with so much want that neither one of them spoke and instead waited for her to be the one.

“Both of you want to be millionaires, right?” They nodded almost immediately, Haneul looked over at the TV which would reveal the lottery winners in just a couple minutes. “I can change those numbers so that you two are the winners.”

“Please.” Do-yeon. “Then I could finally travel the world and live the life I wanted.”

“We could buy fast cars and yachts, live the life of luxury.” The woman couldn’t believe that they were laughing again. Especially with what was about to be proposed.

“You humans have no manners.” The men apologized at the hiss from Haneul before she continued on. “As I was saying, with my powers I could make you millionaires but it comes with a price. You two will become rich and have all the money your heart desires but you will lose all memory of your friendship. Are you sure you want to continue?”

“I won’t need friends.” Chang-woo scoffed. “If I’m a millionaire, I could just buy new ones.” Do-yeon laughed and nodded

Haneul sighed and nodded. “Your wish is granted.”

Time started again, Haneul turned and walked away as the two men were now focused on the TV. She made her way back up to Yeonjun who stood there, his head tilted to the side. He crossed his arms as if he was a parent waiting for his child.

“What now?” Haneul groaned seeing the man who just laughed. “Nothing, I just forgot how boring it was to watch you work.”

“Boring? What’s your power huh?” Haneul shot back. “Yeah that’s what I thought.” She turned so she was facing the same direction as Yeonjun. The two watched as the TV spewed out the numbers.

“How long does it take for the curse to work?” Yeonjun asked and Haneul shrugged looking at him. “Depends.”

The men became more excited until the last numbers came out and they started jumping around, jumping into each other’s arms until they pulled away confusedly as if they hadn’t seen the other one before. Haneul watched the scene and scoffed, she still couldn’t believe that they would give up their relationship for money.

“Humans confuse me so much.” She sighed and Yeonjun nudged her arm. “Says the one who loves them.”

“You forget I was once like them.” Haneul explained but as she looked over, Yeonjun was gone.

The woman searched for the man, she finally saw him walking down the street away from her. If there was one thing to know about the gods, it was how fickle they were. Selfishness and self-absorbed were two words to describe gods, another way was they only cared about what you could do for them. Yeonjun was the tamest of the gods Haneul had met but still he could be just as bad as some of the others. This was one of his faults, he did whatever he wanted and gave it up as soon as he was bored. So it was better to a good conversation or else it was a wild goose chase after him. Haneul wasn’t even sure if Yeonjun was a god but he wasn’t human.

“Yeonjun, wait up!” she called but if he heard, he didn’t stop. Haneul groaned and chased after the god, panting as she caught up to him. “You need to slow down.”

Yeonjun’ nose crinkled as he mocked playfully. “Or you can just walk faster.”

“you’re the worst.” Haneul fixed her hair and rolled her eyes. Yeonjun leaned closer to her. “Oh but you love me.”

She giggled and shook her head. Yeonjun stared straight forward, locking on wherever he was dragging Haneul to. She had met him centuries ago, and he had pulled her out of her shell. He introduced her to his group. That was another thing that should be known about gods, they absolutely loved to gamble. Living forever got boring so making bets were thrilling especially with magic. They flocked to anything that they could gamble on, casinos, bars, horse racing, anything really and no one would know unless they knew about the mythical.

“So where are we going today?” Haneul asked the stoic man.

Yeonjun shrugged. “I was thinking, we go gamble with the gods.”

“You really want to play with fate?” Haneul furrowed her eyebrows. Yeonjun returned the confused look. “What do you mean fate?”

Haneul sighed and rolled her eyes. She knew he was joking but he knew how she felt about the gods. Haneul never liked them and never understood the fascination with them. Sure from the human perspective, they were awesome but that was before Haneul got to know them. True gods were selfish and helped in an unhelpful way, making things so much harder than they needed to be. Haneul didn’t understand why anyone would worship them because if only mortals knew. If mortals knew, gods would be desolate and unknown to the world. Haneul only survived because she knew how to please them.

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “Come on Haneul, live a little. Life is short.” Haneul giggled. “What if in the next millennium gambling goes extinct?”

The girl laughed more, hit her friend’s shoulder as she joked. “Then that would be the end of the gods as we know it. I would miss them…well some of them.” Yeonjun cocked his eyebrow at her words, scoffing. “Did I just hear Lee Haneul, the woman who despises the gods just say that she would miss them? You know that your powers were given to you by a god.”

“And I’m thankful, but I’d hate to be one. It seems like a lonely life.”

“Like your life isn’t already lonely. You’ve spent centuries living alone.”

The girl gasped and crossed her arms before pouting. “I like living alone, thank you very much.”

Yeonjun just laughed at her as she turned away from him. She looked around at the surroundings trying to figure out where they were. They were now in some alleyway, it wasn’t some creepy back alley but it definitely would be hard to find. Haneul watched as Yeonjun just continued down one of the walkways.

“Ya, Yeonjun. Where are we going?” He shrugged answering back. Haneul raced after him following him down the alley.

Finally they stopped, Haneul stood behind Yeonjun before quickly stepping around him. They stood in front of a tall building that seemed ti be connected to something on some road. The building was gray and old, it almost looked as old as Haneul was. The huge windows were frosted with the remnants of what looked like a logo or name and above the old and warn wooden door was some beautiful stained glass that had been warn with time.

Yeonjun stared up at the building with a smile, it felt like home to him. Haneul caught the man’s pleased expression as she searched for clues. It told her that Yeonjun knew this place but not only did he know this place but he enjoyed being here. He stepped forward and wrapped his hand around the golden doorknob.

“Let’s have some fun.” Yeonjun smiled back at Haneul as he pushed the door open.

[chained-to-the-mirror]

I looked through my notes and apparently last time I sat down to write my thoughts was in February. I had been struggling with my body image and had a nasty nightmare. I’ve not had very nasty nightmares now, but the body image thing is ever present.

I recently bought swimwear for the first time since my early teens. (Let it be noted that I’ll be 43 in a month.) It was inspired by a friend who is coming to visit and wants to go swimming. I was so nervous to even try on a swimsuit… but I did it. I now have two swimsuits/swimwear. I wonder how it will be to actually go out in public wearing them - not easy, probably, but hopefully it will be at least somewhat enjoyable in the end.

Also a new thing is that I’ve been wearing shorts now. It’s almost 30 degrees here and suddenly I’ve noticed I don’t care what others think. I even wore an almost sleeveless top! Who am I?! I think this is due to age, and running out of fucks to give. I mean, does anyone really care what I’m wearing? I don’t think so. I just want to be as comfortable as possible. 

I’m putting my outfit from yesterday here - I would never have been able to wear this a year ago, no matter how hot it got. I’m surprised at myself. Also shocked at how comfortable I was eventually! There was no panicking, no distress. I see all the flaws, but it just matters less and less. I undoubtedly sound like a broken record, but I’m just so surprised.

I don’t think I would be at this point without my dear friends. They keep me sane, truly - and they never seem to get tired of shooting down my negative self talk, which matters more than anyone would guess. I love them all very much.

Another thing that’s helping is plants. I’ve become a full time plant parent, and it feels good to see things growing under my care. I’ve never been able to really do this successfully until now. I’m currently sitting on my balcony, surrounded by my green babies, and I feel calm. It’s no small thing, to feel calm! The plants also help me practice being patient. My huge tomato is testing me - there are so many flowers, but no fruit. Not even beginnings, apart from one that’s smaller than the tip of my pinky. I’m told it takes time, but I just worry. I am doing my best though, and that will have to be enough.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this, except nowhere. I suppose this is my blog, and I can go nowhere as much as I wish. I was going to write something the other day, but when the time came, I found I had no words anymore. Much like now! But I was thinking a lot about my active ED years for some reason. I used to be one of the moderators on a pro ana forum - one of the nice ones, one that helped me keep myself together for a long time. I was close to several people on there - I wonder where they are now? I kept in touch with a couple even after I was discharged from my first hospital stay, but these days I have lost contact with them. I hope they have found their own ways out. We were all sick, and brought together by being alone in our respective sicknesses. 

I kept a journal on the forum - it was full of misery and wallowing, so I’m sort of glad I have no access to it anymore. In fact, I don’t even know what became of the forum after I left. I’ve tried to find it again, but nothing comes up on google at least. It was always a very private, invitation only forum. Everyone supported everyone, in both sickness and recovery (whichever way any of us went at the time). I think I’m - ironically - alive because of those girls. (I say girls, because it was all girls. I think there may have been one boy at one point, but he was not very active.)

It’s such a weird experience, and I can’t really explain it to anyone who hasn’t been a part of a place like that. I tried to explain it to the nurses and the doctors at the hospital, but I don’t think they got it. They saw it as harmful, and probably fairly. In fact, the whole thing made me realize how futile group therapy would be for eating disorders. It can go wrong in so many ways! I’ve only had personal therapy so I can’t be sure of course, but it just feels suspicious. At least for me. I think that you have to be mostly in recovery to really be able to get any help from a group. I think that I might be able to, now - now that I’m mostly recovered. But of course it’s not something that’s available for me anymore. The EDs are not even in my diagnoses - not the main ones anyway. You’d have to dig pretty deep.

I guess this is what I wanted to get out. I’m not proud of my involvement in a thing like the pro ana movement, but I can’t fully bring myself to be sorry either. These things happen for a reason, and the reason was to keep me alive. I’m grateful for that.

It’s time to stop writing. My plants around me are telling me to wrap up the day, and they are right. I only need a shower and then I can fully relax. Thank you to anyone who read this, it’s a mess!

[sumtypeofluver]

TW: Smoking, Drinking , Cursing

and I think I love you, and I hate it

- Calum had a solemn piece of mind, nothing more nothing less. What he was doing in his life was what he deserved, always nothing more and nothing less , until her. But what was he doing with this, he knew this was risky ever since she came into his life, she made him feel more defenseless and feel like he has a purpose more than what he already is doing. There were these walls that were crumbling down and that scared him, and hell he watched them burn and crumble while feeling her hands caress him, because ‘she is the one’ that one voice calls out to him in the back of his head. But did he really want to settle down and have that fear of never getting back up because he let someone in to destroy him from the inside out ? He couldn’t, right? It’ll defeat his purpose.

Cal quickly snapped out of his thoughts as soon as he heard the sliding door onto the balcony shut and directed his gaze back to Ashton on the screen with the other two boys.

Y/N let a small sigh escape her lips as she stepped out onto the small space outdoors , tugging at the bottom of the worn out hoodie as she sits on the chair and tucks her feet under her. She lit the cigarette, oh the bitter feeling of anxiety and smoke intoxicating her, watching the rain fall. She doesn’t know what to do, For the first time in two years she allowed herself to stick around with a guy, and not just a random guy, someone she found comfort in, someone she couldn’t resist herself from who never exactly hurt her , but she knows something all to well, Love is one HELL of a trip. “What the fuck am I doing” she said to herself.

Everything just kind of happened , some how or another they met at a downtown bar, had drinks and slept together but both seemed to feel some type of way and now calum practically moved all his stuff into her apartment. Her past trauma has never been touched on except for once in a while they’ll open up to eachother and she’ll have her almost routine-like story . And Calum feels for her , but he doesn’t know how to heal her from it so he does the best he can but sometimes he goes distant and does not talk to her and acts so cold towards her, even when they see eachother every damn day.

Cal closed his laptop as he was done for the evening and looked out the window, ‘another rainy day’ , reminds him of the night before when he saw her crying to him about this whole situation, she was crying, he felt his heart ache and the conversation went as he remembered:

“Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on, I thought maybe by now we’d have it figured it out but no i’ve been getting dragged along for MONTHS” she screamed as tears fell down her face

“y/n, when you’re screaming I can’t have a rational conversation with you, Jesus, I thought what we have is perfectly fine and it hasn’t been a problem up until this WEEK”

“No Calum, I am having a rational conversation with you, when you think back I have no idea where I even stand with you, all this time I just want to know what we are , what this is”, she sniffled, “I just want a clear sight of where this is going and I want to know if I should stick around or not, with you , but I guess I’ll leave you alone, per usual “ .Pure malice laced her words as she wiped her tears and left the room they were in, leaving Calum to fill up with regret from his words.

Y/N left the balcony, walking inside and going to the fridge to grab a bottle of liquor, and sits on the couch as she eyes calum walking down the stairs and motions for him to sit next to her on the couch, cal sits by her and looks at her, studying her for a minute and sits

“Hey” he says ,

“Hi…, how was the meeting “

“Ah you know the same as always, the boys are all antsy about the upcoming album, but they’re all going to *said club you and cal met in * tonight, I -“

“Oh, so you going to go with them.?” She asked and pang of hurt rushed through her as this is was typical between them to whenever a big argument happened he’d make up some excuse to go out, and took a drink out of the bottle.

Cal looked at her “actually, no I was planning on staying in with you, y/n. I actually missed having a night in with you”

And that was the start to a night filled with honesty.

As the bottle became half way empty, and a heartfelt conversation later, Y/N moved closer to calum, legs touching as she played with the hems of his hoodie..

Calum sits there looking at her , chewing on his lip, the look in her eyes look like she’s definitely been contemplating something, and oh god the look on her face definitely looks alarming , he doesn’t know what to expect .

“Cal..” . Y/n says looking at him as she props herself up against, chest on chest while his heart beating out of his chest , ‘what the hell’ his mind keeps screaming.

“These last couple months have been a lot for us, and you know something, all the hooking up and staying up til ungodly hours, all the late nigjt car rides, I used to think this was just something temporary because everything seems to be that way, but I been thinking about something very, very heavily and-“

She takes a deep breath, moves near his lips as the anticipation is killing him, she whispers

“ and I think I love you and I hate it”

Thanks for reading !!! I know this isn’t my best but I’ve had ideas for little prompts and fanfiction and I wanted to try actually creating, :)

[nyanykamito]

nyx ulric x s/o drabble "Peace"

trying to feed myself with some Nyx ulric goodness but this turned angst help, enjoy fellow nyx fangirls. There's fluff in it i swear...but you gotta wade through angst...i'm sorry

........

Today was another one of those days where he wished he could skip work, launch his phone across Lucis and come see you. But duty called and this mission was.. rough. Everything that could go wrong during the mission did.

Recently Nyx's squadron took in a few new recruits, they were green around the gills which was to be expected. One didn't listen, another was cocky arrogant ars hole and the last one was...big kid. But not the I'll never grow up rather they were pushed into a role they weren't ready for. Nyx was beyond frustrated with the other two but the other guy Nyx was terrified for...he reminded him of his younger sister..

On his first ever mission Nyx stayed by his side, making sure the kid didn't get too banged up, he made sure he only took action when he could handle it. But..it wasn't enough..

One minute the kid was grinning from ear to ear, proud of himself for nailing a hit on the enemy.. than his smile faded as he was devoured by a scorched daemon.

"CALLIGAN!!"

Nyx warped over and tried to save him but it was too late...all that was left behind was the young mans blades.

Grabbing his blades he ran toward anyone and anything that crossed his path, shredding through daemons and magiteck alike. He only stopped once the battlefield was vacant.

The rest of his squadron came over and the two rooks just looked at each other. Realizing that.. shite was about to get real.

around midnight Nyx arrived back home, but when he arrived in front of his door he saw "him" again. Quickly backing up Nyx tried to shake it but the images wouldn't leave him be..

That's when you called.. Nyx quickly changed his tone and demeanor as he quickly ran inside his apartment grabbed his duffle bag and warped over to your place.

Arriving at your place he's met by the smells of a freshly cooked meal and the sight of his beloved girlfriend wearing only the finest that Lucis could provide. A hoodie that looked far too familiar, it was his and a pair of gray sweats...which were also his. Shaking his head nyx opened up the sliding glass door and walked inside.

You had offered to give Nyx a key to your place but he didn't want to risk some knucklehead having access to your place. So instead you leave the sliding glass door unlocked, and well considering that your on the 22nd floor.. who else was going to come through there? Santa?

You bring out two beers and two plates of food one for him and one for you, you both decide to sit out on the balcony. After finishing the food nyx takes the plates in and washes them, than you two cuddle under the stars. You attempt to name a few stars but with all the light pollution its a bit hard to.

"Its funny I grew up with the stars and galaxy above my head every night. And i didn't get caught up in it too much...but now that i can't see it all too well..i miss it."

Nyx goes silent and you stare at him from the corner of your eye...something is wrong.

"hey..Nyx..?"

"let me guess your still hungry?"

"no"

"You want me to carry you to bed?"

"no you big dork"

"You...want more cuddles? Because if so it comes with a price."

"As much as that sounds nice..no."

Nyx turns to look at you. "what than?"

"Are you okay?"

Nyx turns away and you watch as he pretty much goes still, all except those beautiful steel blue eyes that you love so much. You wait a moment before scooching closer to him.

"Another glaive went home today...he didn't make it out there.. I was quick enough.."

You can hear the strain in his voice as if he's fighting back tears.

"He was made for this line of work, he was just a boy. He had a family, a mother.. a brother.. a sister.. Who's gonna tell them? Who's gonna tell them that he's not coming back? He joined to fight for his home and it cost him everything.. And what do we have to show for it?"

You slowly reach for Nyx's hands and pull them toward you causing Nyx face you.

"What are we fighting for y/n? Why am I fighting? Whats the point?.. We lose more lives than we save, what or who is going to welcome up back when this was is over.. if it ever ends."

"I'm sorry that I don't have the answers, but can i offer you something else?"

"...." Nyx's pain disappears briefly as he chuckles. "Cuddles, headpats and warm neck I can burry my face into?"

"Peace. atleast for the night and you know all of that too."

"I'll take it but only if its coming from you."

[worldscollidinginone]

Chapter 6 - Is This It?

Book master list

We then reached his house. He, again, then took me into his arms and I felt all mushy. The door of his apartment was open, and there was no trace of Aman's mother. He took me to his bedroom and this time he laid me to his bed very slowly, as if he wanted to savour that moment, and not for once he broke eye contact with me. 

I was getting scared. 

I started panting. Is this really going to happen now? 

He started kissing the back of my neck getting towards the shoulders. I moaned. At that moment I realized that I was in love with him. I just wanted him to be mine. Forever.  

He started playing with my hair and I felt so happy, for once. I looked at him. It seemed like the era of pain was coming to an end, because Aman is now with me. I leaned towards him and started kissing him passionately. I was crying, because, for the first time in my life, I was happy. He reciprocated. While kissing him, we rolled on the bed and I fell on him, and then we both started laughing. 

When we managed to breathe properly and check that no bones were broken or fractured, he said: "I love you, Priya. I love you very much. I don't know what would be life without you. There have been so many moments when I wanted to kiss you so badly that I cannot tell you. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to make you mine. But I stopped myself thinking that you would never love me. You are going to think this is a complete façade. You'll think that I am a brat who plays with people's hearts. Because you heard about the relationship I had with Cecilia." 

I started crying. I saw that Aman was also crying as well. I was so happy and sad that day.  

Happy because Aman told me he was in love with me and sad because he thought that I may be thinking this is a lie. Of course, I knew the relationship he had with Cecilia.  

She was a new girl that came from America. She was a girl that only wanted boys' attention so she can sleep with them. She was trouble. At that point, Aman was going through a rough patch in his life and Cecilia became his support, or so everyone thought. In actuality, she only wanted to be with him, so that others would get jealous of her, and she could manipulate him to do all kinds of things. Eventually, he found out that she was cheating on him, and he broke up with her.  

I replied: "Aman, who told you that I won't believe you? I have always trusted you, from day 1. If you were being a pain, I would have never come close to you. And I would have probably broken your nose." 

We both smiled and remembered the day when I broke Karan's nose. 

I asked him while touching his cheek and cupping his face: "Don't you want to know what will be my reply?" 

"I am too scared to hear it." 

I looked at him shyly and then kissed his right cheek. My lips were caressing his face while moving from his cheek to near his ear. I then told him: "I love you. I love you, Aman. I love you more than anything else in this world." 

He lit up as if he regained his life and then started to kiss me reverently and hugged me really tight. I was responding and was laughing as well. 

"You don't know how happy you've made me, Priya!!!" 

I wanted to know whose drawings he had made, so I started diverting his attention to the drawings. "Waise Aman, tumhare dressing table ke peeche kuch drawings hai. Kya mein dekh sakti hoon?" 

He looked quite shy and said: "Tumhari aakhon se kuch chukta nahin hai, ha?" He kissed me one last time and then he got up from me. He was lying on top of me all time. He then took out all the drawings and I realized they were all drawings of me. Me talking to my friends, me standing on the balcony looking at God knows what. Me trying to do some homework in my room. Me playing with Nikhil. There were so many, that I lost count of them. 

I said: "They are all very beautiful." They all looked like photographs, except they were more artistic. 

He replied: "Well, the muse I used was so beautiful that I had to match up to her beauty." I started blushing and he then came close to me and started kissing me again. I had to make him stop kissing me otherwise he wouldn't leave me. Aman then dropped me off at my dorm building and said: 

"I don't want to let you go. Stay with me, please?" 

"Aman, hum kal milne wale hai, na? And come on, you are a good boy." I then kissed his cheek, but he turned around and I ended up kissing his lips. And he was kissing me so passionately that I might have fainted if I wasn't hugging him. 

"I have to go, Aman." 

He then flew a kiss in the air, and I caught it, and put it in my heart and gave a flying kiss to him and he caught it and he smiled. 

He then dropped me off at my place, kissed my lips, and drove off to his place and I went into my dorm room, smiling like crazy.

Go To Chapter 7

[aeoneri]

[Tacones Rojos] Chapter 17: Invisible String

Summary:

ACT II: GABRIELA – After a close call, Gabriella finds herself in a predicament she would never have guessed.

+👠👠👠+

After her confession, Gabriela tried her best not to think about that night. She didn’t have time, anyway, to dwell. The schedule for the first cast meeting filming was coming up very soon and she needed to get herself in order. Alexandra had already called her in advance with all the details and what to expect.

She had to make the opportunity count.

The fateful day came sooner than she thought. There was nothing that would stand in her way.

Except...

Gabriela was all dressed and ready to go when her phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number, so she let it go to voicemail.

The voice on the other end made her hair stand up on its end.

“Ella, it’s me. I’ve given you enough time and space. Can we please talk this out?”

What once sounded so melodic and full of love now sounded malicious and threatening. So it was only normal for her to feel frightened when she looked out her bedroom window and saw her ex waiting outside the building with a bunch of flowers in one hand, wearing dark clothes and a mask covering his face.

Ávila suddenly bursting into her bedroom did not also do any favors. “ELLA!” Ávila half-screeched, looking more frazzled than ever. The fear was evident in their eyes. “WHY is your ex outside? How the hell did he find my address?”

“I don’t know!” Gabriela was on the verge of tears, the stress and nerves mixing together in a not-so-good cocktail. She felt like throwing up. “You know I haven’t been active on any socials since we broke up, and I’m careful whenever I post something on the rare occasions that I do go online to remove all of my locations.”

“I believe you…but why the hell is he here?” Ávila resisted the urge to sneak another peak outside. Though it would probably be wise to do once they’ve better assessed the situation. “Jesus. I’m not sure if he’s seen me, but I hope he didn’t.”

Gabriela’s stomach dropped. “Why? Why would Marco see you?”

“I was out on the balcony to take a quick breather from work, when I noticed something, or rather, someone suspicious watching the entrance. I hid immediately, but who knows?” 

A knock coming from out in the hallways startled the both of them into silence. Dread churned Gabriela’s insides, and looking outside, she knew Ávila and herself were in a potentially dangerous, and volatile situation. 

“What are we going to do…” Ávila began, chewing on their thumb. “Out of all the times this would happen…it had to be on the first day of your new acting job!”

It was indeed terrible timing, but she knew it wasn’t be far-fetched for the world to consistently fuck her over. “Ávi, you have to help me get out of here.” Gabriela schooled herself to remain calm. It would not help her cause to panic, not when Marco was for sure somewhere within the building, trying to look for Ávila’s apartment. A split-second was probably more than enough for him to figure out the number of floors.

What terrified Gabriela the most was how calculated it seemed. Sure, it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together, and she had become too complacent, in a way. She could’ve reached out to Julián much earlier and moved out before she got into this mess.

“What? No. José’s not even going to be back for another hour, and I can’t just let you walk out of here alone.” Ávila stood firm, eyeing Gabriela while she quickly stuffed a go-bag with clothes, makeup, and whatnot. “Your psycho ex is outside, and while I know you have to be somewhere soon, your safety before your career comes first!”

Gabriela listened for any changes that might be happening across the hall from the apartment, hoping that their neighbors would buy her enough time to escape. Thankfully there were three other units whose balconies faced the street, and it would take Marco some time, albeit small, to pinpoint the correct one.

“I know. I know Ávi, but I really have to go.”

“Not a chance, chica.”

“Ávi, we have an even dire situation on our hands, and if I don’t leave now, it’ll get very nasty very quickly for the both of us.”

Realization flickered in Ávila’s eyes when Gabriela refused to say any more, and they quickly whipped their phone out to dial a number. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” They cussed. “José’s not answering.”

“Just try again.” Gabriela’s eyes darted to the apartment door, just as she placed her prized red heels in the bag. She then quickly pulled on a pair of shorts and a loose shirt. “Don’t stop until he answers you—”

Both of them froze when someone rapped on their door. “I know she’s hiding here, Ávila.” Marco’s voice was clear through the heavy wood. “I mean no harm. I just want to talk to Ella. Please.”

“Don’t say anything.” Gabriela whispered, carefully slipping into a pair of running shoes. “Not a single sound.”

Ávila watched their friend open her bedroom window. “What are you doing?!” Ávila hissed, with eyes so wide. “Are you insane?!”

Gabriela shrugged as she quickly and quietly slipped out into the fire escape. “A little bit messed up in the head, but I’m not letting my ex stop me.” She responded in a hushed tone. “I’ll also go get you some help while you just keep contacting José. Just hang on tight.”

…

The driver kept eyeing Gabriela in the backseat, who was busy making herself look presentable. She glared at the man through the mirror, hoping to God that he wasn’t thinking of trying anything funny. She was already running way behind, and if not for her audacious getaway, Gabriela was sure she would’ve been promptly replaced.

The stars were aligning just for her, though the odds of finding an Uber only to be stuck in traffic did little to ease the tension on her shoulders.

Gabriela had reported the disturbance to the police station near the apartment to try and get her ex apprehended and away from everyone. But just as expected, the police found no trace of Marco an hour later when they checked in. Thankfully, Ávila was safe, and José had arrived back home safely without any incident. Though knowing that Marco would not rest until he had his way, Gabriela knew that she could no longer stay there for her friends’ sake. Ávila would beg her to reconsider, but knowing how it shook them both, Gabriela did not want to put any of them in any more danger.

The thought of having to move again on such short notice worried Gabriela, but there were more important things that needed her attention. She shot her brother with a message not expecting much, as the car finally arrived at the co-space in Avenida Carrera 15.

Gabriela almost flung herself out in a hurry, glad that she had enough credit in her card to forgo cash payment. Her heels clacked on the pavement as she made her way inside, carefully balancing the tote on her shoulder, filled with the clothes she wore earlier as she ran away.

Standing in front of the large door, she took a deep breath and reminded herself of the spiel she rehearsed. Her destiny was waiting on the other side, and she entered without a moment’s hesitation.

And when she did, Gabriela got more than what she bargained for. 

Never in a million years did Gabriela think it was possible. She had never expected to cross paths with him again. But there he was, the person who plagued her thoughts even though she tried hard to forget.

“Lo siento, llegó tarde. Traffic was terriblé.” She greeted as she smoothed down the invisible wrinkle on her dress while apologizing to the director and the crew who had already started without her. She had never been late for any of her appointments, but circumstances had prompted her to take the long way there.

“Ay, no, no. Glad that you made it.” Hernando motioned for Gabriela and proudly introduced her to the rest of the group. She had worked with Hernando multiple times in the past and was familiar with his methods and style, and it definitely worked in her favor. “Everyone, this is our leading lady. Since we’re all complete, we can start the screen test and script reading after this meeting.”

“Thanks, Nando.” Gabriela whispered. “For that introduction.”

“No worries, Ella. It’s unlike you to be late, but there’s always a first time, eh?” He ribbed good-naturedly and Gabriela rolled her eyes at him. “I’m joking.”

“Ha. Ha.”

“By the way, your leading man is over…there.”

Hernando pointed over to the man sitting in the far corner of the room whose face was buried deep in the script he had in hands. She had thought him to be a minor cast member at first, or one of the production crew, but was surprised to find out that he was the actor whose performance everyone raved about. 

“He had star power, Ella, and he would for sure match your energy.”

He matched her energy, all right. She shooed the thought away and made her way towards him.

Gabriela made a small wave to catch his attention, unsure of how to approach him. Surely he doesn’t remember me, does he? He remained oblivious, not until one of the crew members sitting next to him nudged him a little too harshly. His brows furrowed in slight annoyance as he glared at the intruder, and then their eyes met. 

For a moment, whether she’d like to admit it or not, it felt like time had stopped.

Gabriela prided herself in being able to keep her emotions in check. But standing there, in front of the man with whom she shared all of herself — the truest version of her — in a one night stand, made the tiniest crack on the walls she cocooned herself in. There were a million and one thoughts running through her head, and it was terrifying.

Had she not learned anything?

So she did what she did best — masking her anxiety with humor. “I think we’ll get along, director.” Gabriela exclaimed as she extended a hand toward the man in greeting. She flashed a brilliant smile, but could feel her hand starting to get clammy. “Hola. Fancy seeing you here. Soy la Imelda de tu Héctor. Llámame Gabriela.”

He just stared at her with his mouth agape. An awkward silence fell, and Gabriela thought to retract her hand, and almost yelped when he took it in his. “Uh, yeah.” He croaked, his grip on hers a little too firm. It was an innocent handshake, but the contact was just enough to make her blush. “Same. I wasn’t expecting it myself. Anyway, nice to meet you, Gabriela. I’m Bruno.”

…

The principal filming for the early flashback scenes would start early the next morning. It was how Hernando usually shot his films — usually all out of order — to maximize the time with each actor he worked with. He also rarely utilized screen testing actors until the day before actuals to make sure the comments would be still fresh on everyone’s mind.

In his words, everyone had chemistry — and even terrible chemistry could work in someone’s favor.

Gabriela went through the motions with ease, but by the fifth take she could tell that Bruno, while courteous enough, was struggling with Nando’s instructions.

“You good?” Gabriela asked Bruno while Hernando discussed something with the assistant director way out of earshot.

Bruno blinked back at her. “Sorry.” He muttered. “Just nerves.”

“First time?”

“Being in front of a camera or ogled by people?”

Gabriela contemplated for a bit. “Both?”

“Nope.” Bruno snorted. “I’ve acted before.”

“Then why the nerves?”

Bruno’s lips twitched upwards into a smirk, though a faint dusting of pink started across his cheeks. “This is going to sound pretty stupid, and I don’t want to be too forward, but I was just thinking how God is probably real. I’m amazed at the odds. It must be fate.”

Her eyes widened at the implication, and Gabriela shot him a mortified look. “Dios mío.” She had been trying to keep her cool about the whole one night stand ordeal, and hoped he wouldn’t dare bring it up, especially while working. “What?”

“You know what I’m talking about.” He said, almost coolly. “I had been thinking about you since then.”

Was he trying to play with her?

“Don’t tell me you want to discuss it right now!” She hissed. “If you’re referring to that night, I know it’s a little slimy to leave without an explanation, but…”

“I understand.” Bruno chuckled, taking Gabriela aback at his nonchalant attitude all of a sudden. “If I were in your shoes, I would also sneak out just to avoid the awkwardness after.”

Would it have been awkward if she stayed? Gabriela knew that it probably wouldn’t be the case. But before she could say anything further, Hernando loudly yelled ‘CUT!’. The way Gabriela quickly turned her head to face the camera probably gave her whiplash.

When had Hernando returned to filming them?! She returned her gaze back to Bruno, who mouthed an apology.

“That’s exactly the energy I wanted to see between our two lovebirds.” Hernando clapped, unaware of the dangerous glint in Gabriela’s eyes. “Great work. Make sure to keep that up tomorrow on the first scene. Let’s wrap up for the day.”

+👠👠👠+

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[confusedshades]

It takes a week of getting the kids semi settled and the first wave of public outrage caused from Lois's articles to taper off. Danny and Ellie are still not a 100% sure of Clark but they can tell he's good natured if a little too in love with Lois. (Ellie argues that he's married her which means he's allowed but Danny still thinks its a bit much.)

End of the first week is when things take an interesting turn.

Ellie, struck by one of her sleepless nights had decided to float around the apartment invisibly. She froze when she saw the balcony open. And then she got confused because that was Clark and Lois, except Lois was unconscious? asleep? and Clark was carrying her bridal style.

Except.

Clark.

Clark was floating.

What.

Wait.

Why did that red cape look familiar?

Holy shit were Lois, Clark, and Superman in a polyamorous relationship? But that didn't explain why Clark was flying/floating!?

She needed Danny's experience.

So Ellie flues through the walls until she finds Danny sprawled on the bed, clutching a pillow tightly.

Once Danny's awake and processed what Ellie mentioned, he's just as confused. They're whisper arguing the logistics and possibilities when there's a knock on the door.

"Hey kids?" Clark calls out through the door. "I could explain stuff if you like? I'll make some hot cocoa if you're interested in listening. If not that's fine. Just remember not to stay up too late tonight."

Danny and Ellie looked at each other before going to hear what Clark had to say. (Danny was confident he could turn them both intangible and invisible in order to escape into the sewers until they could find someplace to hide if needed. Even Superman couldn't track what he couldn't hear or see.)

Clark sets two mugs filled with hot chocolate and a handful of marshmallows. The drinks are done by the time he's explained his side and Danny's willingly opened up a little more about his own stuff.

The day after this, Clark comes home with another teenager following him.

"Hey Lois? Kids?" He called out. "Turns out cloning is a thing for supervillains."

Lois takes one look at the kid trailing behind Clark and sighs. "Honey. We need a bigger apartment with so many kids."

Dc x dp idea 110

Lois lane was not expecting her next big story to come literally knocking at her door. In the form of a two teens? Preteens?

Both black hair blue eyes, she’d have to keep them away from Bruce.

The older of the two look like he’d taken A beating, the younger of the two hyper focused on the hallway looking back and forth as if expecting someone to jump out at them.

If she can willingly jump of a roof, she most certainly could get two teens inside. They had too much to discuss.

No. A folder of info just won’t do. Come on in. Tell me everything. Secret government agency? Go on please. Just make yourselves comfortable. Portal to the afterlife?? Please more info. Need anything to eat?

She got her answers, a story, and well if two kept hanging around. That was for her to worry about.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua I called a ton of places today.

I even called HUD but had to hang up because the lady was snappy.

I need to move soon. This apartment is no longer conducive to my sanity and due to recent events like having to call BRPD and having some Latino guy threaten me in Spanish because I was stepped on my balcony and saw them hopping the fence...like they didn't live here I said nothing dude flipped out, the tiny Latino mother had to drag him away.

Earlier in the day two other families that don't live here were loud as hell hopping the fence...I called the office

They don't care as apparently "You're the only one who calls." Which isn't true.

My neighbor calls but she doesn't as frequently because of the fact her apartment layout doesn't get terrible noise.

Regardless this is nuts. I've been here 5yrs and it's been more insane than it ever has been at this complex.

I don't want to break no contact till I we figure out if that's safe but I really want to call my dad crying

This is too much for my brain.

I'm TIRED.

I'm so sick of this.

If the house wasn't filled with shit and my mom's house wasn't filled to the ceiling with boxes and literally all her rooms are full and she sleeps in a chair because she's paranoid she'll die laying flat.

So I can't live in my old mother in law suite because it's got holes in the ceiling and walls and has been sealed off for 8yrs with the cat boxes in front of it

Can't stay with mom even if I could get a room cleared out because of Esteban who I refuse to be around

I'm sick of my mom being so lonely and whining about how bad her life is. I'm sick of my dad doing the same

They don't care about me. They want me to go back to shutting up because of money

It's always money and never "hey our daughter is having hell how can we help her?"

But it's hard to talk to these people because they don't believe me they really don't seem to understand how my conditions are symptoms or whatever you want to call it works they don't understand that my brain doesn't work like theirs they don't understand anything I've told them because they don't want to listen to me and they Only Want To hear it from a professional and Even If the professional tells them that Sometimes they're like thinking that they somehow Know Better

Like my psychiatrist literally told me I needed to move and gave my mom some recommendations of places that were quiet and safe and she sent the places to my dad and he replied with oh is the psychiatrist a fucking realtor is he going to help her find an apartment and pay for it

And he just thinks I'm full of shit but he has not seen or been around any of it

He doesn't even know when I'm having APTSD episode or how to help me calm down or interact with me he just starts screaming at me which makes it worse

And my mom does the same shit she's a fucking charger nurse at a psychward and she does not do anything super kind like she pacifies certain patients but she can't even treat me that way and it's fucked up

I just need to move I don't know where the fuck to go I don't know where is safe enough for my parents and safe enough for me because even if I find a place it looks perfect they freak out because it's too much money or if it is the right price it's in a bad area so nothing I do is correct and it just feels like they're playing another game with me about well if you can't agree to live where we find then you get nothing at all and it's like they haven't even looked except for one place and that place is an apartment complex that is definitely worse than here From what I have heard from other people who have lived over there in the crime rate and the swat team sheriff that I have spoken Who said hell no don't go live over there

So I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like I'm going to lose my fucking mind soon if I don't get out of here

Like I'm kind of at the point where I don't know if offering to just empty my bank account and hand the cash to my father will fucking help anything or if he's just gonna be a Dick no matter what

And my mom was supposed to be helping but now she has new fantastic bills to pay because she ran up her credit cards and my father is also bitching about bills because he ran up his credit cards because he made stupid choices that led him to have his credit cards ran up

And I don't even have a credit card I have my debit card and I live on like $943 a month maybe Actually less than that because I generally keep 3 to $400 in case I need to bring one of the cats to the vet

I haven't even been able to leave my apartment and go to the fucking grocery store because I can't concentrate to make a grocery list and go and I can't go by myself and no one is available to go with me or talk to me on the phone while I shop and it's really nerve-racking in in ordering groceries sent me in to a crying fit yesterday because I couldn't order them because I took so long that they couldn't be delivered till today and then I ended up deleting the whole cart and sobbing and luckily I do have some food but This is not good Because I'm so hyper vigilant and I'm constantly in free state it's impossible for me to get myself moving to do productive things like leave my apartment and get groceries and other necessities of things I've run out of that I need to clean with and I need to get moving boxes

And I just I really hope that my parents aren't pulling another bullshit on me because II can't do this I cannot continue to be tortured by people

Like trying to call the housing people was hell like I was so nice and they were so rude and I tried to explain to them that I was disabled and they just don't care they don't need to be working jobs that they don't enjoy it's fucked up it's not fair

Like why do veterans get housing so easy and people like me can't I've been through worse I would rather have gone to war andstected bodies then dealt was what I've been through I'm so serious

So incredibly serious I would rather have been shot at in active combat then deal with all the crap I've been through because it's pretty much everything but active combat that I've had to deal with

I mean it's really that much

So why don't they have residential places for people like me or can I bamboozle my way into veteran saying so I have some more safe to live

Like what are my options and can we have a session at some point soon where we can do some homework and find somewhere for me to live because I am so scared I'm gonna end up having Just constant PTSD episodes and get worse I'm terrified that I'm going to lose touch with reality at some point because it's just getting worse and worse and I don't want to go to an inpatient facility.

Like I'm not a danger to myself or others currently but I don't know what's going to happen if I have to continue enduring loud bullshit while in a massive flare

Also I need to move because my hip and my knee and my entire right leg and body are killing me and my back is fucked up and no one takes that seriously like I can show them the damn imaging and they still don't understand that I'm in severe pain I just don't cry and wine and bitch about it anymore because no 1 cares

I just Try to block it out if I have no medicine

Like it's kind of comparable to disassociation I don't know how I do it but sometimes my brain can block out a large amount of pain without aid but it is really hard to manage when my PTSD is on fire and so my pain is worse and I am so tense and the crying is not helping that and this is just shit

So yeah I could really use some help I don't know what the fuck to do with my parents and they're bullshit I don't know how to magically get financially stable and away from them

I don't even know if salvaging any of these relationships is possible or if it's going to help anything or make it worse

I would love to see if I can get my answer uncles on the phone and see if they would be willing to sit in on a session and hear what you have to say about me because they don't believe me or understand me at all and I feel that they hold grudges for shit I don't even know what I did to them likeOr if my dad just spun stories about me

Like my aunt told me to leave her alone and never contact her again after I just asked her for help understanding some sort of account that my dad was bitching at me about that I didn't get

And she's worked for JPMorgan and other banking places says she would have known the answer and I can't possibly think that she decided to just go no contact with me because I asked about that

But she's a billionaire with several horse ranches and horses that cost more than houses here

And my first cousin who's a piece of shit got money to build his own house and they're so proud of him When he literally does nothing

And then on my mom's side I have another first cousin and he's in New York learning accounting and my aunt and uncle are in Arizona and there's super duper religious you need Jesus Catholics and they think smoking weed even for medical is bad and say thanks that I'm lazy and irresponsible and all this other shit and they know exactly how my parents act And they don't do anything to help me they don't reach out they don't offer for me to come visit nothing

They might listen to me or Talk to me on the phone for A Little While but otherwise they just Don't understand the Gravity of the situation or Care and I Don't Know what else to do

Like on my dad's side I have an older aunt but she's probably at the edge where she's going to be in a nursing home soon and I don't know what to do Because she is very stoic and she gives very short sharp answers and I don't know if she's drinking again or not but she's like in her 80s I think at this point so I probably shouldn't even bother her

And then my uncle that is a priest that is retiring in 2 weeks is drunk as hell and I can't even talk to him but he has a place in Biloxi that has 2 extra bedrooms andIt did drunkenly tell me that I could visit with him as long as I could deal with his cigarette smoke and I told him I didn't care and I would love to come visit if I had the chance and I don't even know if he remembers the phone call

Because yea alcoholism runs in the family

Surprisingly I don't have it I can drink like a normal person and then not drink

I don't know what to do I just feel really hopeless today

I needed to get so many things done this week and I accomplished it feels like nothing

I haven't even been able to clean up my fucking apartment because I'm so stressed out that I can't really move from where I end up sitting or standing or laying down I just freeze up and stand there or sit there or lay there for hours

About the only thing I can do is get my ass up and go get a burger and go to therapy right now and that's aggravating to me because yeah it's good I can get to therapy but I should be having this much trouble doing simple shit that I didn't have issues with before

And I don't think my parents quite understand how bad this is and they don't even know what to do because they don't even think about what they could do to help me they really don't they just do the bare minimum bullshit and I'm their daughter I'm their daughter by blood

And they care more about my sister they always have because she's the healthier one And she's engaged and she's the baby and she's the fucking golden child she can do no wrong even when she attacks me everybody gets tired of me talking about it but I can't quit going over it because it's still fresh

And no one understands this

Like I need someone to explain to my parents what kind of agony I am going through because they don't get it

I have been unable to explain it to them like a neurotypical person would

And they think that I'm a manipulative person that would have liked tricked you or something which I know damn well that that's not really possible Because I'm sure you work with people and so much that you can spot the bullshit. Also why in the world would I do that. Like my parents have thought that I have been manipulating therapist my entire life and they made me quit seeing people because they thought they were taking my side not theirs when I was younger and now it's just fucking chaos I can't fucking live in the stupid place unless it comes down.

I've tried to get my parents to look at some places in Spanish town because that would be OK because it's not very loud over there and I know there's some apartments that are affordable or they had some at some point that were

I mean basically what I'm looking for is a 2 bedroom flat or standalone property with a in unit washer and the ability to have my esa cats square footage I don't know if I care anymore but I was hoping for like at least 900 and something square foot

At this point at 37 I wish I could marry for the convenience and run the fuck away from my family or be legally adopted by someone who wants to help but that's insane to have to think about as options

I'm about to cry. I just want quiet and sleep and to function.

[randynova]

♡𝓜𝔂 𝓦𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷♡

𝓖𝓾𝓷 𝔁 𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦: 𝐴𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒, 𝐺𝑢𝑛 𝑖𝑠 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑓𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡𝑜 𝐺𝑜𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑖𝑓 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑠 ℎ𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒.

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𝑊𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔(𝑠):𝐹𝑒𝑚!𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝐹𝑙𝑢𝑓𝑓, 𝑠𝑜𝑓𝑡(𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝)! 𝐺𝑢𝑛

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“Why couldn’t this have waited until another day?” Gun muttered, unbuttoning his shirt, letting it slide off his taut frame, and neatly folding it, placing it onto the roof of his car. He was glad he hadn't put his jacket on, having left it in his passenger seat. “I can’t dirty my clothes again, [Name] will be mad if I get blood on it.” He rolled his broad shoulders until they released a satisfying crack, his thick muscles bulging as he stretched his arms across his scarred chest. Gun peered at a nearby store, the digital clock displaying in big white numbers, ‘7:45 PM’. He groaned, his lips curling into a scowl whilst his arms fell to his side. He didn’t have enough time to deal with this.

“Hmm, and it’s almost time for our date. Fuck.” Gun whispered to himself. He clenched his fists, narrowing his eyes at the man across from him. He removed his shades and revealed his dark gaze, placing his favorite accessory to his side as well. “I’ll make this quick, Goo. I have more important places to be.”

Goo laughed, grinning in his spot as he balanced a pole in his hands. He rolled his eyes, arching a brow at his partner. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Gun, maybe if you didn’t spend all your time by [Name]’s side, we could have dealt with this matter much earlier. That girl has you wrapped around her pretty little finger, huh?”

“Shut it,” Gun said, already racing towards the blonde and thrusting his fist, knuckles colliding with metal. Upon the cold sensation meeting his skin, he wanted to absolutely kill Goo and rip him to shreds. This would take longer than he wanted, wasting his already precious, short time. He backed off, having a considerable distance between the two, stretching his fingers a few times before clenching them again. He growled, spitting venomously,  “You just like picking fights.” 

“You did too. Before you met her, y’know,” Goo tutted, waving his finger in the air. He scoffed, voice low, “Who would’ve thought? Gun going soft for a girl. Psh, pathetic. Never thought I’d live to see the day...” The blonde trailed off, his face becoming stoic, his mind wandering. You truly had to be someone exceptional if you managed to have a guy like Gun to fall for you. He always wondered who you were, how you looked like, what you did, but Gun had kept you a secret from the world of crime. He hid almost every known trace abou you and tied every loose end that implicated you existed. No one knew who you were and no one could find you — unless Gun allowed them to. 

Goo found it so irritating how he was unable to know the girl who made such a notorious gangster go soft. 

He only met you once and that was by pure sheer luck; dropping by unexpectedly at one of Gun's apartments, only to be met with the sight of you. Seeing how Gun reacted, he knew you were supposed to be kept hush-hush. But boy, did he have a field day the next time he saw the man.

Goo had to meet you again. Or at least, know you more.

Only when Gun’s fist connected with Goo’s face did the man snap out of his thoughts, the impact of such force throwing him a few feet backwards. He dug his feet into the floor, a high-pitched screech coming from his shoes as the rubber burned against the pavement. With his sleeve, Goo wiped his cheek, seeing a speck of blood staining his clothes. Goo chuckled, standing up straight with a grin, “If I can remember right, you told me you got Eli Jang in trouble for basically the same thing. What was her name again? Heather?”

Goo blocked the upcoming attack, his pole raised and crossed above his face. He pushed Gun back with an effortless swing of the pole. He tilted his head and scratched the back of his head with his free hand. “How is [Name] any different from Heather? What does she have on you?”

Gun twisted his neck gently until he heard a crack, looking back at Goo as he hissed with venom, “Nothing.”

“Let me think, let me think….” Goo hummed, racking his mind for any possibility that someone like Gun would stay with a woman longer than one night. His face lit up and he broke out into a wide grin, pointing a finger at Gun. “Aha! You got the poor girl knocked up, right?! See, I always tell you to wear protection! Just couldn’t keep it in your pants, hm? Shaaame.” 

“Ugh, fuck no. I don’t want kids and neither does she. We made that clear at the beginning," Gun said with a sneer, annoyed beyond comprehension at Goo's antics. 

“Awe, I really thought she held something over you. How about this: I’ll stop fighting you if you tell me why you’re still with such a pretty girl like [Name]? Deal?" Goo offered, slinging the pole onto his shoulder. His eyes darkened as he spat maliciously, knowing each word would wind and rile Gun's emotions. "She deserves better than a perverted gangster, you both know that.”

Gun stayed silent, the corners of his lips tugging down into a frown. Goo’s last words struck a chord in him, sending a pang through his heart upon hearing an insecurity he’ll never admit to. Of course. Everyone told you to stay away from a man like Gun. People kept telling you you will only get hurt in the end, that a better man will come along and sweep you off your feet if you just waited, or you could always do better than him. But you never listened. You stayed by his side, even when the whole world looked down on you two. Even for months, he tried convincing himself he felt nothing for you, but after a while, he finally accepted that someone managed to tear down his walls and enter his hollow, cold heart — you. 

You were just a different kind of girl - no- a different kind of woman. A special woman he had the pleasure of meeting. One he wouldn’t dare let go of now that he has the privilege of calling you ‘mine’. And by any god out there, he won’t be a stupid fool to lose you.

Gun sighed. “I tell you and you’ll put this stupid fight behind us, right?”

Goo placed a hand over his chest, replying shortly, “You have my word.~”

“[Name] is just that special person you meet once in your life. One you know you can’t let go of because there isn’t another like her. Simple as that.”

“What?! Ugh, don’t be boring! Tell me more!”

“You asked why I  stayed with her and I told you.”

“Yeah, but I expected a story, not some sad attempt at an old man’s wise words.”

A low guttural sound rumbled in Gun’s throat, his eye twitching. “Maybe when I’m in a better mood I’ll tell you, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my woman.”

Goo groaned and tossed his pole to the side, rolling his eyes and grumbling, "Fiiine, but you owe me a story. "

"Whatever—damnit," Gun looked at the clock once again and his face contorted into one of pure irate. "I'm late."

'8:12 PM'

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Your head rested on your hand, balancing a glass of wine between your fingers, twirling the cup as the liquid swished around. Your eyes were looking down on the glory of Gangdong, the shimmering, blinding lights of the city mesmerizing you. The city always looked beautiful at this time of night. You just wished you could enjoy it with the person you cherished. A sigh leaves your lips and you look away, eyes trailing to the other tables over the balcony. 

The lingering eyes of many strange men didn't faze you anymore, the two burly boys surrounding your table always making them avert their gaze as fast as it landed. A courtesy of your boyfriend, who was at least thirteen minutes late, who insisted on you needing to be guarded at all times. You knew if he were here, no one would dare to even breathe in your direction, let alone glance. 

The cool air pricked your skin and a shiver passed through your body, reminding you of where you were. For a man as smart as him, Gun tended to neglect keeping the season in mind when planning your dates. Nonetheless, you were happy he went out of his way to take you out on such a busy schedule. 

You jumped in your seat, snapping out of your thoughts. A jacket was wrapped around your frame, warmth immediately enveloping you as the fabric made contact with your bare skin. You looked up and smiled. 

Gun stood behind you, towering over your sitting form as he made sure you were nice and covered. His coat basically swallowed you whole. A small stuffed animal was tucked under his arm, it’s fluffy fur peeking out. He walked over to take his seat, pulling the chair out, and wasting no time to slip in. He waved to the guards and they nodded, beginning to clear the scene of people.

“Sorry I’m late, [Name],” Gun started, taking the stuffie out from underneath his arm and presenting it to you. Oh, how adorable. "I brought you a gift as an apology."

A small brown otter sat in his palms, barely taking up Gun's hands. It’s beady, plastic eyes looked straight at you, a little smile stitched onto its snout. A snort left you. The sight of such a well-dressed, intimidating man carrying such an adorable toy was  amusing. "Really now? Just a cute toy, Gun?"

Gun sighed and sat up a bit from his chair, leaning over the table, and cupping your face as he planted a gentle kiss on your cheek. As quick as it started, Gun's lips left and he was seated once again. You pout. "Don't give me that look, [Name]. We can do more at home if you want but not here."

"It's not wrong to be disappointed in no kiss on the mouth after not seeing your boyfriend for such a long time. Don't you think I deserve it?"

Gun smirked, placing his shades on the table and taking your hand, intertwining your fingers together. He gave a light squeeze and you didn't miss a beat as you squeezed his coarse hand back. The way you pursed your lips and looked at him with such glossy, innocent eyes made his heart swell. With such a pretty, cute face, it was hard to say no to you. "Hmm, maybe. But Olly told me you crossed paths with Hostel A." Gun spoke, slipping his hands from yours and picking up his dinnerware, quickly cutting the savory meat into pieces. He didn't hesitate to put a piece up to your mouth, a hand underneath so as to not have the juice leak. "I was told you nearly broke the Uncles' bones and Big Daddy himself."

Your face scrunched up and you scoffed, shaking your head. You placed the stuffed animal to the side, petting it. "Figured those assholes wouldn’t tell you everything. The ‘uncles’ wouldn’t leave me alone and I thought Olly was another one of those bastards,” you snap, sitting back in your seat with a scowl. “How was I supposed to know he was trying to help when he dresses like that? I thought he was trying to assault me for God’s sake!”

Gun placed down his fork on his plate and his face twisted into one of fury, eyes turning cold and rigid as all the warmth disappeared whilst his lips curled back into a nasty frown. You almost thought his infamous scowl was directed towards you, but you knew better. You dear boyfriend wouldn't dare lay a single finger on you if it didn't bring you pleasure. "They what?" 

You smiled softly, placing your hand over his as it clenched into a fist. With your small attempt at trying to soothe him by rubbing small circles, you spoke with a bit of hesitation, "Ah, yeah. They kept trying to get my number and wouldn't let me leave the booth I was in. I had no other choice than to use the training you taught me. Since I never met Olly, I really thought he was just another one of them and I reacted before thinking, making me attack him too."

Gun scoffed, shaking his head as he listened to your explanation with disbelief, every word fueling his rage of someone daring to hit on his woman. Every fiber in Gun's body screamed, wanting to feel their skin underneath his fists as he pounded them into oblivion. But the only thing stopping him was his date with you. For now, he'll put his anger aside to be with you and keep you happy. Who knows how long he'll be gone and when he'll see you again. The man has to make every second count. 

Yet, he couldn’t let this go unpunished.

"Fuck." Gun leans closer to you and sits on the edge of his chair. Placing his hand over yours, he slips his fingers to grasp your palm, and lifts your hand to his lips, pressing tender kisses against your knuckles. His thumb grazing softly across your fingers and his eyes flutter shut. You couldn't help but stare in awe, never quite seeing him like this.

So careful with you, so gentle, you were surprised he wasn't seething in his seat and threatening to break their heads open. Gun opens his eyes and looks up at you, shaking in his seat. “I promise I’ll have those fuckers begging on their knees for your forgiveness. They should know better than to treat a woman with such rudeness and disrespect. Shit, I’ll go right now. I’ll beat them till-”

Your sweet laugh reaches his ears, cutting him off from his little speech. You lean in and pull in his hand to your lips, pressing a tender peck to his coarse knuckles. Gun felt his heart race and skip a beat at the sight, shock crossing his features. You look up, looking at your boyfriend with mirthful eyes. “As much fun as that sounds, I'd rather you stay here. Please? I want to spend as much time with you before you go back to work.”

The man stayed silent for a few seconds, taking in your words. He looked away, clicking his tongue before he broke out into a small smile, a blush blooming across his cheeks and the tip of his ears burning a bright red. “Of course, [Name]. Though, you could’ve just said you like spending time with me.”

Giggling, you lower your hands and shake your head. “Gun, of course I like spending time with you. You’re my favorite person and I love you after all.” Your voice said those three words with such fondness, it’s as if the man was in a dream. 

If your words from before didn’t send Gun over the edge, your proclamation of love surely did now. He looked down, grinning like an idiot, showing a soft, bashful side he’s never revealed to anyone before. He swore his heart would jump out of his throat from how fast it was pounding against his ribcage. Gun grasped your hand tightly and sighed blissfully, Gently, he spoke, gazing at you with loving eyes, “I love you too.”

You smiled.

The tension in the air grew to be too much and both of you found it unbearable, wanting to do what both of you have been waiting for for weeks.

Both of you sat up and leaned over the table, closing the gap between you two as your lips interlocked, slipping together like if you were made for eachother. The kiss sparked and fed the fire both of you held in your hearts, burning brighter with every moment you spent at one another’s side. Gun couldn’t help but smile against your mouth.

As much as he hated being apart from you for so long, moments like these made the long hours worth it. If working so much meant he could provide for you, then he wouldn't mind doing it for the rest of his life if you had a roof over your head and a nice, warm meal at night.

Afterall, you were his woman.

And he loved you.

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©𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚟𝚊 || 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍 || 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚜, 𝚌𝚘𝚙𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚎𝚝𝚌. 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚖𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜 .

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