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jungshookz · 4 years ago

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skate a little piece of my heart; jjk

➺ pairing; jeon jungkook x reader

➺ genre; rollerskatinginstructor!jungkook!! sfw!! fluff!! honk honk humour!! jungkook is a very handsome instructor and y/n can’t tell if that’s a bad thing or a good thing

➺ wordcount; 6.3k

➺ summary; your two left feet and complete lack of balance isn’t the only thing that’s making you weak in the knees this valentine’s day.

➺ what to expect; “rollerskating is already hard enough as it is, and now i have to do it in front of him?!”

➺ currently spinning on the record player; how deep is your love; bee gees

»»————-　💫 ————-««

“this is so dumb.”

“safety is never dumb, y/n!” taehyung raps his knuckles against the top of your helmet and you scowl before swatting his hand away, “now, where are your kneepads?”

you let out a groan before tilting your head back slowly, your eyes widening in slight panic at the surprisingly hefty weight of the helmet

your arms flail for a second and you immediately reach up to grip both sides of the helmet before forcing your head back up

jesus

you nearly snapped your own neck there

of course, snapping your own neck would mean not being able to skate because you’d technically be dead… so maybe that’s not such a bad idea after all…

(by the way, it’s concerning how many times you’ve considered literal death just to get out of doing something.)

“are you going to lift your leg for me or do i have to do everything for you?”

you look down to see taehyung down on the ground in front of you holding one of the knee pads and you frown lightly before lifting your leg and placing your sock-clad foot on his knee

“please tell me this is the last of the safety gear…” you whine, “tae, i literally look so dorky right now- no one else is wearing helmets or knee and elbow pads!” you gesture to seokjin and namjoon who are busy putting on their skates over on the other bench before scoffing lightly and crossing your arms

if namjoon (arguably the klutziest one out of this group of people) isn’t even wearing a helmet, then what does that say about you??

you’ve seen him trip over nothing and scrape both his knees so why are you the only one wearing all of this junk?!

“i took you ice-skating over christmas and you fell flat on your ass more times than i could count, and you insisted that you didn’t need any safety equipment even though it was alarmingly clear that you did. i basically spent two hours making sure you didn’t die-” taehyung looks up at you with a raised brow, “do you want to fall and split your skull open in front of everyone?”

“if it means not having to gear up in all this dorkware- then, yes. i would love to have my brains splat across the rink in front of everyone. in fact, that would probably be less embarrassing-” you grumble, flinching slightly as taehyung suddenly yanks hard to tighten up your laces, “i’m an adult, taehyung! grown-ups don’t need to wear all of this!”

“grown-ups don’t throw tantrums either, but here you are…” taehyung mutters under his breath, putting your foot down before giving your knee a slap, “perfect! we’re good to go!”

“yeah, yeah…” you reach under to scratch at your elbow only to feel your nails scrape against the smooth surface of the plastic protection shell and you resist the urge to rip it off out of frustration

taehyung decided that it’d be a great idea to bring everyone to a rollerskating rink for valentine’s day this year instead of… letting people go out to intimate dinners and celebrate on their own… because, quote, ‘i just want all of us to spend more time together, and what better day to do that then on valentine’s day?? …ooh, we should call it pal-entine’s day. ha! get it?? because we’re all pals-’

(he was dumped recently, so everyone’s kind of letting him run the ship for now. …basically, no one can say no to taehyung unless they want to see him burst into tears. he’s still in a very delicate state.)

but, honestly… a rollerskating rink!

out of all the places to go to!

you already have two left feet, so forcing said left feet into shoes with wheels is a horrible idea

“i think it’d be best if i just sat back and watched you guys!” you try for the umpteenth time to get taehyung to let you off the hook, “plus, they sell chilli dogs here and they actually smell really good and i kind of want to order one for myself even though it might end in me having to get my stomach pumped-” you gesture back towards the refreshments counter and taehyung shakes his head before sticking his hand out for you

“there’s plenty of time for you to scarf down a rubbery hotdog later- now, c’mon-”

“i don’t even know how to skate!”

“that’s fine, you’ll learn! it’ll be like riding a bicycle except you are the bicycle-”

“you know, i’m just going to be complaining the whole time, and it’s going to ruin your time here. honestly, tae, why am i here??”

“because i’m not emotionally stable enough to spend valentine’s day alone yet and i need to surround myself with as many people as possible otherwise i’m going to be alone with my thoughts and i’m going to spiral!” taehyung’s voice cracks as he snaps at you and you immediately press your lips together and avert your gaze, trying to ignore the weird glances the two of you are getting from the strangers around you

…

“okay, well-” you push yourself up off the bench before wobbling slightly and reaching over to grab onto taehyung’s arm for stability, “i don’t know about you, but i’m most certainly ready to tear up that rink!”

“perfect!” taehyung chirps, quickly reverting back to his ‘everything is fine and i’m definitely not dying on the inside’ state, “and don’t worry. rollerskating is much easier than ice-skating, so there’s less of a chance of you potentially embarrassing yourself here-” taehyung gives your hand a pat as the two of you shuffle your way towards the entrance gate, “trust me, you’ll get the hang of it as soon as you start!”

“you saw me on ice…” you snort, your knees already wobbling as you take your first step into the rink, “i really don’t think i’m going to be any better on wood-”

“well, lucky for you…” taehyung lets go of you and you immediately cling to the railing in panic, “i went ahead i hired an instructor for you!”

you frown as you pull one hand away and rub your fingers together

god, why are the railings so sticky-

“you- woah, hold on a second-” you look up and over at taehyung with wide eyes when you finally catch on to what he just said, “i’m sorry, you did what?”

“what? i can’t stay by your side and watch you all night.” he shrugs, placing his hands on his hips as he stands in front of you, “we were moving so slowly on the ice that i was sure it was starting to melt underneath our skates-”

“you just told me you don’t want to be alone and now you’re handing me off to someone else instead of spending time with me??” you frown, manoeuvring your stance so that both your hands are gripping onto the railing behind your bum, “why force me to skate if you’re not doing it with me?”

“i mean, i obviously want to spend time with you, but i also don’t want to be skating, like, one mile an hour-” taehyung snorts, “i’m forcing you to skate so that one day, we can skate together without me having to worry about you slipping and sliding all over the place like a baby giraffe!”

“well, why can’t you teach me instead of paying for someone else to do it?”

a brief moment of silence passes as taehyung rolls over to get you to release your iron grip from the bars

“…because teaching you how to skate instead of actually spending time skating sounded really boring-” he mutters quickly, your eyes widening as you turn to look at him

“wha-”

“also-” he cuts you off, placing his hands on your hips from behind as he starts to roll you forwards slowly (though, you haven’t noticed this yet because you’re still focused on the fact that he didn’t want to teach you - you’re a great student!!), “there was a girl who kept smiling at me when i was strapping you up in all your gear, and i need to find out if i still have game or not-”

“this sounds more like you’re trying to fill the empty void inside of you with meaningless sex, which, by the way, isn’t a very healthy coping mechanism-”

“i will fill this empty void inside of me in whichever way i want, thank you very much-” taehyung snorts, shaking his head, “plus, it’s too late to back out because the policy states that they don’t take refunds and he’s already here-”

“wait, what??” you immediately look back to the front, the fact that you are being rolled towards someone now sinking into your brain, “who- oh my god, stop rolling me-!”

taehyung’s fingers dig into your hips as he comes to a sudden halt, “what??”

“spin me around.”

taehyung blinks before slowly turning you around so that you’re facing him and you pray to god that you don’t look like some kind of rotating rotisserie chicken right now

you open your mouth to speak when you finally see taehyung’s face again but he continues to spin you slowly so that you end up in the same position you were in a second ago

...

“for god’s sake, taehyung- spin me around so i’m looking at you, you moron-”

“ohh, okay, i thought you just wanted to spin you around for fun-”

“why would i want you to spin me around for f- okay, that’s not important right now-” you shake your head, “i just want to say that the only reason why i’m doing this is because you kind of sprung this on me last minute and i don’t want to inconvenience anyone, but just know that you now owe me big time- now, spin me back around and wheel me to whoever i’m going to be stuck with for the next couple of hours.”

“noted!” taehyung chirps as he rolls you back so you’re facing the front, “he’s right over there by the other entrance- the guy in the yellow-” your eyes flit around until they land on the guy in the yellow and you immediately feel your heart starting to beat a little harder in your chest at the sight of the guy in the yellow, “his name’s jungkook, he has a shining five-star rating, he’s a wonderful teacher according to all the parents whose kids he’s taught- i’m pretty sure you’re his oldest student so don’t embarrass yourself-”

you feel your mouth go dry when jungkook reaches down to adjust the bottom of his tied button-up shirt before opening the sides of it a little more to show off his chest

he reaches up to twirl a loose tendril of hair around his finger before gently pushing it back and running his hand through his hair, poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek briefly

oh no

oh, no

he’s attractive

he’s very, very attractive

“tae.” you keep a polite smile on your face as you slink your right arm behind you to attempt to blindly punch him in the gut, “why didn’t you tell me that the instructor was cute?”

“oh, i’m sorry.” taehyung responds sarcastically, “i didn’t think attractiveness was an important factor when considering an instructor.”

“well, it is when the instructor looks like that-” you feel your cheeks warm when jungkook smiles brightly at the two of you before waving enthusiastically, “rollerskating is already hard enough as it is, and now i have to do it in front of him?!”

“i don’t know what there is to freak out about. the guy’s handsome- so what?” taehyung waves back at jungkook before giving your hips a playful squeeze, “if anything, you should see this as a bonus - you get some eye-candy while you learn!”

“okay, well, don’t make me sound pervy-”

“not to mention, he’s your age! so it’ll be like you’re just hanging out with a friend-”

“a friend?! taehyung, i’m wearing overalls, my hair is in pigtails, and all this protective gear that you shoved me in makes me look like an eight year old-!” you gasp when you feel yourself suddenly bump into something hard and taehyung quickly loops his arm around your waist to keep you from toppling over

it’s a second later that you realize the something hard that you bumped into was jungkook’s obviously broad chest, so obviously this rollerskating lesson is already off to a fantastic start

“woah, you got it?” jungkook holds both his hands out in case you fall over and you let out a nervous chuckle before reaching up to push your helmet up slightly

“i’m fine!” your voice cracks and you clear your throat quickly, “…hello.”

“hi! it’s nice to meet you- y/n, right?” jungkook sticks his hand out for you to shake and you smile nervously before reaching out to take it, “my name’s jungkook! i’m super excited for today. we’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

you don’t know if it’s just because he’s clearly one of those fun and overly friendly! instructors or if he’s just naturally bubbly but he’s talking to you like you’re a child

(you probably could’ve ditched the pigtails today.)

“okay, i’m going to go off now so let me just hand y/n over to you-” taehyung arm slips from your waist before he gently rolls you towards jungkook, “you two have fun!”

your hands immediately slap down on the railings right as you feel yourself about you slip and you let out a breath of relief

that was a close call

“we will!” jungkook smiles, waving at taehyung as he skates off, “you enjoy yourself out there!”

you watch helplessly as taehyung skates away, jungkook turning back to look at you with a (very handsome) smile

you feel your heart skip a beat once again and you immediately curse in your head

…you’re screwed.

»»————-　💫 ————-««

“because of the balance and control required, it’ll take a little bit of getting used to- but once you get the hang out it, rollerskating is super fun!” jungkook reaches out so you can take his hand, “do you wanna let go of the bar for me?”

there are a lot of things you’d like to do for jungkook but letting go of the railing and potentially falling in front of him is most definitely not one of them

“you know, i think i’m good!” you chuckle, your knuckles practically going white at how tightly you’re gripping onto the railing, “why don’t you just keep talking while i… you know, get used to the feeling of just standing while wearing skates?”

“okay, if that’s what you’re comfortable with, that’s what we can do. let’s see… ah!” jungkook perks up, clapping his hands together before gesturing down to his own feet, “so, you’re gonna wanna keep your feet shoulder-width apart. can you do that for me?”

you look down at your feet, not at all surprised to see that they’re practically glued to each other

okay

shoulder-width apart

you can do that, right?

you lift your right foot up slowly before quickly moving it farther away from your left foot, your skate skidding slightly against the floor as you stomp down

goD these skates are clunky

you’ll never understand how people find this activity genuinely enjoyable

“see? not so bad, right? now, i’m really going to need you to let go of the bar for me so that we can move onto the next step- i swear i won’t let you fall if you take my hand.”

your eyes flicker down to his outstretched hand and you twist your lips uncertainly, “you promise?”

jungkook places his hand over his heart, “i promise.”

you lift one hand off the rail and quickly take jungkook’s hand, pausing for a second to make sure that everything feels okay before quickly lifting the other hand off the rail

you practically slap your hand down on jungkook’s other palm and let out a breath of relief as soon as he grips it tightly, and you look back in concern when jungkook starts to pull you away from the railing

“there you go! see?” jungkook smiles brightly, giving your hands a squeeze to get you to focus on him instead of the bars, “not so bad, right?”

“yeah, i guess so…” you puff out, feeling your heart starting to pound harder not onLY because the safety of the railings have been taken away from you but also because jungkook’s hands are… very soft.,,. and very warm,.,. and very pretty.,., and all-in-all very nice

“okay, step two. so, this next part is going to make you feel a little silly, but we have to walk like ducks because it just makes the process of walking easier. you kind of have to point your toes outwards- yeah, just like that! and don’t forget to squat a little-” jungkook hums, leaning over a little so he can look to see if your stance is okay, “perfect! we’re just going to keep practicing until you get used to walking...”

“you know, taehyung actually took me ice-skating over the holidays and i fell, like… ten times.” you snort, keeping your eyes on your skates as you take one small step after another, “i thought rollerskating would be easier but i feel like there are more rules to worry about…”

“oh my god, don’t even worry about it-“ jungkook snorts, shaking his head, “i’m an awful ice-skater. you’d think it’d come naturally to me because i can rollerskate- plus, i don’t see the fun in ice-skating! i know it’d never happen but i’m always paranoid that the skates are going to slice-”

“-the ice open and you’re going to fall through and plunge into the icy water?”

“exactly! see, you get it.” jungkook grins, leaning down a little to check your posture again, “you know, you’re a complete natural. i don’t know why you were so nervous to begin with!”

you snort in response and resist the urge to tell him that his face was one of the major things that contributed to your nerves

“ooh, and you know what else i hate about ice-skating?” jungkook gasps, “that if i fall and get my hands on the ground, someone’s going to skate over them and amputate all of my fingers.”

you immediately burst into giggles and he gawks playfully

“are you laughing at a genuine fear of mine, y/n?? i didn’t take you to be someone who could be so cruel…”

“no, i’m not laughing at you!” you smile softly and you can’t help but note how warm and comforting his presence is, “i’m just- i said that exact same thing to taehyung when we were ice-skating and he said i was being ridiculous, so it’s nice to know that someone shares the same opinions on ice-skating as i do.” you instinctively squeeze jungkook’s hands when you feel the wheels roll out from underneath you a little and you end up jerking forward a little

“woah-! you’re okay- i’ve got you…” jungkook rubs his thumbs over your knuckles reassuringly as he waits for you to regain your balance and start walking again, “i told you i wouldn’t let you fall, remember?”

“yeah…” you smile shyly, feeling your cheeks heat up a little

you don’t feel as nervous anymore

no wonder jungkook has a five-star rating as an instructor

he’s great!

“also, you do realise we’ve walked, like, an entire round around the rink, right?”

“what? we have?” you pause, looking up from your skates for the first time in ten minutes

you’re almost at the spot you were at right when you first started

woah

wow!!

you didn’t even realize!!

that’s so cool!!

you walked an entire round without falling (a lot of almost-falling, but you’ll take it)!!!

“i mean, i don’t know about you, but i feel like we can move on to gliding now…” jungkook whistles lowly, “you’re a very fast learner so i’m not worried.”

“gliding is…” you lean over a little when you notice taehyung having a blast at the other side of the rink with his new companion, the two of them skating side by side

she laughs at something he says before playfully swatting at his arm

it’s just good to see him smiling and not crying for once

one of the things that you love most about taehying is that he’s so in tune with his emotions, but when his ex (he forbade you from saying her name) broke up with him, he cried so much that you were pretty sure he had completely dehydrated himself

so it’s nice that he seems to be enjoying himself!

“so, gliding is-” jungkook steps over to get right into your line of vision and you quickly look back at him with an attentive smile, “basically turning your steps into smoooooth strokes. instead of dropping your foot straight down, you’re going to be pushing it forward and out. it’s kind of hard to explain gliding… you kinda just have to let momentum carry you forward and do its thing, you know? it’s literally just a one foot after the other situation.”

“well, if you can glide backwards, i’m sure i can figure out how to do it normally.” you point out, jungkook snorting in response

“trust me, you’ll be able to pick it up quickly. remember that when you’re gliding on one foot to keep your other slightly hovering above ground so it doesn’t interfere-” jungkook stops himself when he notices your brows knitting together (you seem to do this a lot when you’re focusing too hard on something), “ah, you know- i find that it’s easier to glide when you’re not actually focused on the gliding!” he chirps, giving your hands a reassuring squeeze, “if it helps, you can keep your eyes on me instead of staring down at your skates.”

hAh

if anything, staring directly at jungkook is going to throw you off your game compared to keeping your eyes glued on the ground

“okay, i will... try not to focus on the gliding while simultaneously focus on the gliding.” your tongue instinctively pokes out slightly in concentration as you push forward with one foot, being sure to keep your other a little above ground just like jungkook said

you quickly switch to the other foot when you feel your right foot slowly starting to lose momentum, pushing off with your left instead and lengthening your stride so you can skate a little further

hey

look at that!

not bad!!

“look at you go, superstar!” jungkook cheers encouragingly, grinning from ear to ear as he watches you gliding flawlessly, “you were born for this!”

“you know, you may have a point- woAh-” your skates roll out a little from under you and you lurch forward, jungkook quickly sliding his grip from your hands to underneath your elbows to keep you from falling, “...yeah, so i spoke too soon.” you huff, blowing a strand of hair away from your face as you glance up at jungkook, still bent over at a ninety degree angle

“it’s my bad, i think i may have blown up your ego with all my compliments-” the sides of his eyes crinkle as he laughs, “all good?”

you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and feel a piece of your soul float out from your body when you realise you basically look like a little old woman clutching onto one of those rolling walkers

wow

the possibility of jungkook being interested in you was low to begin with, but now it’s probably been squashed entirely

“uh, yes!” you clear your throat as you force yourself to stand up stick-straight, your knees clacking together for a second before you get back into position, “all good! i’m all good. we’re good.”

oh boy

if it makes you feel any better… it can’t get any worse than this, right?

“i-” you jolt when the music suddenly clicks off and is replaced by the shrill ringing of microphone feedback

“youch.” jungkook winces, raising his shoulder slightly and tilting his head down towards it so he can try to cover up one of his ears

your brows furrow in confusion as you look up towards the speakers, unsure of if there’s just a technical difficulty or if something important is happening, “what’s going o-”

“sorry for the interruption, skaters! we just wanted to cut in and wish every single one of you a happy valentine’s day...”

a large disco ball lowers from the ceiling as the lights begin to dim, the room suddenly engulfed in a warm pink glow as visions of glinting sparkles and hearts reflect from the disco ball onto the wooden floors along with the velvety walls

oh, god

seriously?!

you look up towards the speakers and resist the urge to curse and shake your fist at them like an angry old man

haven’t the people here considered that there might be single people in the rink?!

…on valentine’s day…??

yeah that doesn’t make much sense

“grab your lover and glide along the floor as we play you some romantic tunes on this romantic evening… also, to the owner of a baby blue mercedes-benz convertible- i repeat, a baby blue mercedez-benz convertible... your car is parked in a tow-away zone. that’s all!”

the bee gees’ how deep is your love starts to play and you quickly pull your hands away from jungkook’s, your face flushing in embarrassment at the sudden change in atmosphere

you wobble slightly as soon as you pull away and immediately stick both your arms out in a poor attempt to keep balanced

okay

all you have to do is glide your way towards the exit so that you’re not just awkwardly standing in the middle of the ring while lovey-dovey couples skate around you

it’s only then that you realise that jungkook is facing away from you and seemingly looking for someone

you tap him on the shoulder and he turns to glance at you, “yes?”

“who... who are you looking for?” you frown, leaning over to peer over him so you can see what he’s seeing

“hm? oh, i was just looking for your boyfriend…” he trails off, continuing to look around the rink, “the two of you probably want to skate together right now and you’ll get to show off your brand new gliding skills, which is exciting-”

“boyfri- are you talking about taehyung?” you snort, quirking a brow in amusement, “he’s… oh my god, he’s definitely not my boyfriend. i’m only here for emotional support because he just got out of a relationship- we don’t have to get into it- the point is, he’s not my boyfriend. i don’t, uh, i’m not in a relationship at the moment. i’m… very single.”

why are you still talking?!

you clear your throat as you look for the nearest exit gate

“oh!” jungkook blinks before turning back around to face you, “in that case-“ your eyes widen in surprise when he sticks his hand out for you to take, “shall we?”

you blink down at his outstretched hand cluelessly before suddenly realizing what it is he’s asking

“oh, i-” you snort, immediately shaking your head, “no, you don’t have to do that…”

“what do you mean?” jungkook frowns, tilting his head curiously, “you don’t want to skate with me? after all we’ve been through?? y/n, you’re breaking my heart here!” he jokes, clutching at his chest before pouting (quite cutely) at you

“n-no!” you laugh lightly, shaking your head, “i mean, of course i’d love to skate with- i-it’s very nice of you to offer, and i know you’re obviously being paid and stuff but you don’t… ah, you don’t have to force yourself to skate with me if you don’t want to...” you mutter, reaching up to scratch the back of your neck, “like, i’m sure taehyung’s already planning to give you an extra big tip for basically babysitting me all night so you don’t have to force yourself to do anything extra-”

“no, i wanna skate with you!” jungkook interrupts, skating over so that he’s standing next to you instead, “plus, it’ll be good practice, right?”

“well, i-” you don’t get a chance to respond before jungkook’s suddenly slipping an arm around your waist and holding onto one of your hands for extra support, “i don’t know, i suppose i’m just not used to gliding without holding both of your hands so i’m just worried i’m going to make both of us fall somehow which would be mortifying-”

“that’s alright, i can hold both your hands if you feel safer that way,” jungkook chuckles, his arm sliding away from your waist so he can swivel around and stand in front of you again, “after all, it’s better to be safe than to be sorry!” he takes your hands gently as he starts to skate backwards, his thumbs rubbing the tops of your knuckles comfortingly

-‘cause we’re living in a world of fools... breaking us down... when they all should let us be... we belong to you and me...

how deep is your love continues to echo all around you and even though you feel a little awkward skating around with your instructor to a very romantic song, you have to admit that this was a great choice of song for valentine’s day

it’s a timeless classic!

“so, you, um…” jungkook clears his throat after a minute or two of comfortable silence, turning back for a second to glance over his shoulder and make sure he’s not about to crash into anyone, “what kind of things do you like doing?”

and it’s me you need to show... how deep is your love?

“rollerskating. is it not obvious?” you joke, looking up at him and reminding yourself that you should make more of an effort to look at him and noT constantly at the ground, “um, i don’t know! that’s kind of a broad question, i guess. i like... i like... i like painting-! i mean, i’m not good at it, but it’s a pretty relaxing hobby...”

“painting is nice!” jungkook nods slowly in agreement before perking up slightly, “say, have you ever been to a pottery studio?”

“you know, i actually haven’t!” you shake your head before staring past jungkook’s shoulder in thought, “i should go to one... it sounds like a lot of fun! do you...” you cough quietly and avert your gaze slightly, “do you go there often with your... uh, significant other?”

“me? oh, i’m not in a relationship.” jungkook chuckles before giving you a shrug, “none of my co-workers wanted to take the valentine’s day shift because they actually have someone to spend valentine’s day with, so... that’s why i’m here!”

“oh! so, you’re…” you trail off before pressing your lips together and giving him a firm nod, “i see.”

so you’re both single?

interesting

very interesting

you can’t help but wonder if he’s looking to change that

“i-”

“incoming!”

you don’t even get a chance to turn around to see what’s going on when suddenly someone’s basHING into you from behind and making you lose your balance

and the next thing you know you’re stumbling forwards and poor jungkook’s reflexes aren’t fast enough because-

“oh-!” you land on top of jungkook with your legs on either side of him, your knee pads clacking loudly against the ground, “oh, shit-”

“sorry! my bad!” taehyung glides past you with a sheepish smile before not-so-subtly gesturing to the girl he’s got on his arm and giving you an obnoxious wink and a thumbs up as a way to let you know he’s definitely getting boned tonight

you want nothing more than to rip your skates off right now so you can chase after him and bash his head in

you turn to look down at jungkook, immediately raising your hands up off his (broad, broad) chest as your entire face flushes bright red, “i am- i am so sorry- are you okay?? is your head okay?? i can- i can give you my helmet!” you wince, reaching up to unbuckle your helmet before hastily taking it off and tossing it aside

“don’t sweat it, i’m completely fine-” jungkook laughs lightly before shaking his head, propping himself up onto his elbows and blowing a curled strand of hair away from his eyes with a puff, “my head’s fine! luckily i didn’t hit it on the ground or anything like that, but my ass-”

“oh, god. i’m so sorry- here, i’ll-” you attempt to get up off the ground only for the wheels on your skates to roll out from under you and for your knee to smack against the ground again, jungkook grunting as you bounce on him a little harder than intended, “oh, jesus christ-”

great

there’s no way you’re going to be able to get up because of these stupid skates and now your very cute instructor is a hostage in between your thighs!

“this is so humiliating, i am... so, so sorry- i’m definitely forcing taehyung to give you a generous tip after all of this is over-” you laugh uncomfortably, your hands about to place themselves on jungkook’s chest again before you quickly move them so that they’re on either side of his head instead

of course, this position isn’t any better because now you’re just staring down at his face directly

little white hearts from the disco ball float over his face and though you know this is hardly the right time, your heart can’t help but go badumpbadump at the reminder of how pretty jungkook is

“okay, wait, what if i-” he suddenly sits straight up and your eyes immediately cross at the close proximity of your faces, “hi.”

you don’t know if it’s even possible but you feel your face get even redder and you find that you’re unable to look away from jungkook

he has very sweet-looking eyes

they’re a very nice shade of brown

“i- uh, hello.” you clear your throat quietly, pressing your hands as close to your own chest as possible so that you’re not touching jungkook, “hi.”

the last thing you want is for him to accuse you of groping him

but maybe it’d be a good thing to get a lifetime ban from the rollerskating rink

then taehyung will never be able to force you to skate again!

“we should take your skates off so that we’re not stuck like this all night.” you twitch when you feel jungkook’s hand slide down the side of your calf before reaching the top of your skates, “do you think you can undo your other one for me?”

“ah- yes. yes, i can do that.” you turn away so you can look back at your skate, reaching down and ripping the velcro strap before hurrying to undo the laces

you feel jungkook fumble at your skate, yanking the tie loose before trying to help you wiggle your foot out of it, “okay, just pull your foot out-”

“yeah, lemme just-” you have to shuffle forwards in order for jungkook to pull the skate off of you and your nose crinkles when you realize you’ve just gone ahead and fully pressed your chest to jungkook’s

wonderful

just wonderful

(for the record, he smells really good... but you’re pretty sure you sound like a creep right now, so maybe you should go ahead and scrap that thought.)

“what happened to not letting me fall?” you joke lightly as you get up off the ground, hoping to ease the tension a little from whatever all of that was, “are you sure you’re okay? i didn’t break anything?”

“i promise you i’m totally fine-” jungkook gets back up onto his feet and bends down to pick up your skates before popping up to look at you with a grin, “and it only happened because i was distracted!” he pauses for a brief moment before tilting his head, his smile softening, “can you blame me? you’re very pretty.”

you weren’t expecting him to say that

“oh, that’s- ha… that’s very nice of you.” you reach up to scratch the back of your neck before letting out a nervous chuckle, “you are… also… quite… visually appealing.”

quite visually appealing

why are you speaking like an alien trying to convince everyone that they aren’t an alien?!

“so, there’s still about half an hour left of your lesson left, but i feel like you’ve had enough of skating for now.” jungkook changes the subject quickly and you can’t help but notice that his ears are starting to get red, “we can just sit on the bench and rest... or do you... uh, do you maybe want to share a chilli dog with me?” he asks quietly, and for the first time since meeting him he’s the one who looks away from you first

“...you know, i think that might be the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.” you giggle, reaching over to loop your arm through his when he sticks it out for you, “i would love to share a chilli dog with you.”

“not to flex or anything, but i do get the employee discount…” jungkook clicks his tongue, reaching up to pop open his collar obnoxiously before turning to give you a wide grin, “and if that doesn’t impress you, i don’t know what will.”

🎙️help me help you make your wishes come true (send me a request!)

✨why don’t you explore the rest of the library while you’re here?

💫or perhaps you want something shorter to read?

🌟or something even shorter?

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transguyedgeworth · 4 years ago

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HALLO i hope all has gone well with bugs and such ur probably dealing w that as i type this but i have more headcanons >:) so! i hope these are helping deal with evil evil bugs

-maya still has a bunch of mias clothes she gave some to lana and some to pearl but sometimes she’ll wear a sweater or something that was mias

-phoenix doesn’t really like hospitals

- reminds him too much of bttt and falling

- yes i think capcom should have realized that falling off a damn bridge should give a man a good bit of upset and trauma capcom i am outside your door

- miles bottles up his feelings A LOT because there wasn’t any place for feelings in the von karma house. he’s trying to get better though

- he mostly bottles up his anger because he sees mvk in himself whenever he gets angry because mvk would be angry a lot

- fran also does the same but with any happiness or personal pride she may feel

- they both try to work on it, maya and phoenix are good influences on them

- miles has visited mvk in jail once. he won’t again

- franziska will never visit him

-miles likes to knit

-maya is sooo superstitious not like ohh if i break a mirror i’m dead but like Bigfoot Is Real and I Saw Him At Gourd Lake

-edgeworth and phoenix go often to a little coffee shop and always get a pot of tea

-sometimes phoenix brings flowers

-LMAO edgeworth asks what they are sometimes and unless they’re the two types of flowers phoenix knows he has No Idea

- the bathroom at wright and co is haunted

- maya attracts ghosts like nobodies business

-fran is afraid of spiders and maya is Violent towards spiders

- fran will shriek from the other room and maya will run in flip flop in hand, take one look around the room, and chuck her shoe at the spider. she never misses.

-maya LOVES that bakery they investigated in that one case i cannot remember the name of the one with the like. french dude? and tigre?

-pearls and maya make a scrap book for wright and co

-phoenix still draws (he was an art student and i am projecting onto him) sometimes but always drags edgeworth to art museums and talks about the art

-building on game night with the wrights they also have video game nights. phoenix is so bad and maya is still competitive but fran and edgeworth when paired against each other are Scary

-fran also sometimes lets her little brother win and gets dramatic about losing but it makes her happy to see edgeworth excited

- edgeworth has a journal bc someone once suggested it and he writes in it so often

- he also carries a certain picture of him larry and phoenix when they were kids and his signal samurai keychain in his inner pocket and fiddles with the keychain

-maya loves decorating the office for holidays

-the only thing phoenix can make well is soup and hot chocolate and he makes them at least twice a month when it’s cold

-edgeworth won’t admit it but he’d rather eat phoenixs almost burnt soup and melted bar hot chocolate than the stuff from the fanciest restaurants

- when edgeworth and phoenix propose they both propose at the same time and it’s so awkward but so so funny they both say yes of course but phoenix will tell that story to anyone who listens

ok that’s all for now! idk if i have any more (that’s a lie i have so many thoughts about them but idk how many of them are coherent) anyway i wish you best of luck with all the hubbub!!!

everything is going well thank you for the concern!! housing sent someone out to fix up the hole in my wall that they were coming through and the pest control guy just left and is now treating the outside of the building. these are absolutely helping me deal with the stress so thank you for sending them in!

starting strong with the clothing thing, i love love LOVE your interpretation of the fey clan so much. it is canon in my brain now. capcom wishes they could think of this shit. also giving some to lana? precious, sentimental, amazing. lanamia nation rise up. thank you for my life. the detail about maya believing in cryptids and the bathroom being haunted? accurate and hilarious. and yes big agree that she still likes tres bien (i’m pretty sure that’s the name), she worked there briefly so of course she’d have a soft spot for it. i literally adore the idea of maya being hella Into Stuff, like cryptids and holiday decorations and winning at game night, and the scrapbook idea slayed me on sight. i am in tears.

LITERALLY WHY DOES CAPCOM IGNORE THAT PHOENIX HAS BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT??? like what the hell. man almost died and then like two days later he’s like “lol i’m Completely Fine :)”. unrealistic. capcom let him be Affected by experiences please.

kinda building off of that, AGAIN WITH THE WRIGHTWORTH STUFF MAKING ME TENDER??? i love them goin on little dates and being domestic... art museums and coffee shops and phoenix being Dumb about flower breeds and miles loving his cooking.... i am Soft i am Yearning. AND THE PROPOSAL THING!!!!! I HAD THIS SAME FUCKING IDEA GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!!! IT’S JUST SUCH A THEM THING TO DO...

and oooh edgeworth. good for you king, journaling and knitting and stimming and learning healthy ways to cope with your emotions. also the anger thing i totally get. like not to Overshare or anything but i used to have a lot of issues expressing my anger because when i did it reminded me too much of my dad so i feel that.

the vk sibling stuff also spot-on tbh. good that they didn’t visit manfred except for miles’ one time. fuck that guy. let him rot. they are Learning and Growing together.... fran letting miles win at a game also perfect. she cares about her little brother even if she has trouble showing it sometimes. also love that her one weakness is spiders. that seems very fitting to me and i LOVE the image of maya just. chuckin a shoe across the room to defend her Wife from the eight-legged terror.

also you are free to send me incoherent thoughts if you want that’s the form most of my thoughts take anyway fjnfjsf i’d still love to hear them if you’re willing to share!

#i promise i will share some of my own headcanons at some point #i just. have like a whole lit project/paper to finish and i have finals next week so OOF #in the meantime thank you headcanon anon for my life #maya fey #mia fey #pearl fey #lana skye #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #manfred von karma #franziska von karma #larry butz #lanamia #von karma siblings #wrightworth #franmaya #t&t spoilers #miles answers #headcanon anon

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theworldsoul · 4 years ago

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Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent

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avigenshin · 4 years ago

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Oc Idea (Note: This is gonna have a lot of missing info and plot holes cuz i just wrote this for fun and didn’t give too much thought into it) (It’s also gonna be a little messy)

Name: Ava

Age: 15,000

Appearance: White hair and baby blue eyes. (She also has albinism)

-Ava is the princess of a highly respected and prosperous kingdom. The royal family of said kingdoms are the descendants of long forgotten gods and have ruled over the country for millennia.

-The royal family also aged slower than the average human and also held some traits later developed in life due to their lineage such as immunity to poison, the ability to float, etc. Traits differ from each person in the royal family.

-Ava has an identical twin brother named Aaron. Unlike Aaron who was born healthy Ava was born with a weak constitution. Due to this the young princess was abandoned at a long forgotten and old palace with few maids to take care of her.

-However due to her weak condition no one wanted to take care of her except for a young lady by the name of marianne. Marianne was a woman with blonde hair and pink eyes. Marianne had taken care of the princess as a way to cope with the loss of her younger sister. Giving the princess the love that she could not give to her sister.

- 20 Years passed and the princess was now 2 years old. Ava was a bright and cheerful child that longed for the love of her parents. She could never understand why she was abandoned. Had she done something wrong to displease them? She always thought

-Truthfully, It was due to her older twin brother, Aaron. Aaron was known as a genius due to the fact that he could pick up and learn subjects faster than his peers and was always praised for it. Whilst Ava who only had Marianne to teach her what limited knowledge she had could never compare to him.

-One day, on her 4th birthday. She decided to pick some berries in the nearby forest so that she could bake a cake with Marianne when she happened to stumble across a man with white hair and golden eyes.

-The man introduced himself as Runi. Curious, Runi asked the princess what she was doing here and they talked until late into the day. After that fateful encounter the princess would often sneak into the forest to talk to Runi.

- Years passed and Marianne had met her end. Runi took pity on the princess as she had no one else to turn to and offered to stay by her side and teach. The princess not wanting to be alone agreed and became his pupil.

-During her studies under her new master/teacher. She met Runi’s other pupils, a man with black hair and emerald green eyes by the name of Treyton and another man with baby blue hair and orange eyes by the name of Ethan.

-One day, guards swarmed the palace and took the princess to take her onto the battlefield. This was due to the fact that their kingdom was now at war and each noble including the royal family must send a representative from their family to go into battle for their family’s honour. The king and queen not wanting to risk their son’s life chose to send the princess to war instead.

-They justified it as “mercy” for the young princess as she was born with a young constitution and was bound to die soon.

-Thankfully,her master had taught her some skills to defend herself. She managed to survive by using her wits and small stature.

-She however, while patrolling the area managed to stumble across a boy that looked to be of the same age as her. Not noticing that the boy was from the enemy kingdom she called out to the boy and asked if he needed assistance.

-The boy was not interested in idle conversation and immediately lunged for the princess and after what felt like hours of fighting. The princess, out of sheer dumb luck managed to pin the boy to the ground.

-The princess not wanting to harm the boy as he seemed to be in the same situation as her offered her assistance. To which the boy laughed in her face “You're as young as I am not to mention you’re far less experienced than I am. How could you possibly help me?”

-She grew silent and drew her blade. The boy shut his eyes thinking that the princess was going to strike him but then he heard a clinking sound. It was the sound of his collar falling to the ground.

-”How did you…” “My master taught me that!” She exclaimed proudly. The boy after much contemplation decided that he would let the princess help him as she seemed to be much more skillful than she lets on.

-The boy introduced himself as Ray. He explained that he was taken as a slave/soldier by the enemy king after his parents died due to his powers. He was trained as a killing machine and was not allowed to rest until his training had been completed.

- Together, the princess disguised Ray as a knight of her kingdom and they both managed to slip away unnoticed due to the chaotic battlefield. The enemy king yelled at Ray for treason and threatened to murder Ray if he did not kill the princess.

-Ray became quiet and drew his bow at the princess only to shoot the king at the last second and push him off a cliff where he met his demise.

-After the war, Ray was welcomed into the kingdom and was brought in as an honorary knight for his bravery. He was also offered a position as the prince’s personal guard but declined insisting that he would rather stay with the princess who set him free.

-Thus,Ray became a pupil of Runi. Together, the four pupils and their master were inseparable and did everything together. However, the war had taken a lot out of the princess. She collapsed one day and got sick due to it.

-The fact that none of the maids took care of her only made her condition worse and Ray who was only taught to fight had no clue how to help the princess. Her fellow pupils had their own lives and were not able to take care of her 24/7. There was a high chance that the princess would pass away soon.

(At this point I no longer have anymore brain cells so pls bare with me)

-Runi who had gotten too close to her, refused to let her die and so he saved her using his godly magic. Truth be told Ravi is an ancient god that is related to the Royal family however he can’t tell Ava the truth or he will be forbidden from talking to her again.

-After this incident, the princess got better however she and Ray were once again thrown into war . However, unlike the previous war this one had lasted for 10 years. During the 10 years the third prince was born and Aaron was crowned as crown prince.

-However, after the war Ava and Ray had both received official titles and were given better treatment from the maids and butlers. Ava had won multiple battles for the kingdom and was given the position of “General”. At the young age of 10.

-While the princess’ reputation grew so did the bond between her and her twin and younger brother. Despite the fact they grew up differently they had a lot in common. The same could not be said about her relationship between the princess and her parents. She grew to despise them more and more as she grew older and always argued with her parents about everything.

-One fateful day, her parents died due to a car crash. However, the prince was 17 and not of age yet to take the king’s place. There were several arguments about this until a person proposed that they let both the twins rule under the supervision of the royal council and by some miracle everyone agreed. （Don’t ask me how or why idk either lmao)

-And thus began her rule as a queen (ig i don’t know. I’m really tired lmao)

-I’m too lazy to type properly so meh-

-So like- during her rule she one day finds a dragon kid in a burned down village cuz she took pity on him. The dragon’s name is Ravi. Shenanigans happens and she eventually adopts the dragon kid. However, there were multiple protests from everyone. She was like nah f ya’ll i’m keeping him >:D.

-She then got kidnapped at some point in her life and almost got married to some crazy prince but Ray killed him so we good now.

-Then, a child was abandoned by the castle. So she took it in and raised it as her own. She named her “Celeste”

-Then, she found a third kid who’s a mermaid named Ceru who was injured by the shore and at first she wasn’t gonna adopt him but then his mom died and she had to take him home lol.

(That’s pretty much all i got for now)

I wanna d i e now i remember why i don't write much lmao

#oc #oc art #send help #wtf lmao #i hate writing #why did i do this #lol #idk

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fishball-and-sweet-potato · 4 years ago

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Zero O'Clock - BirdCop Celebration + GIF Challenge (MLQC AU)

I just wanna join. I actually want to post this fic at ARMY day (9th of July), but here it is anyway!

Pairing : Leah Hong (MC) x Gavin Bai

Warning : triggering events (containing insecurity and anxiety)

Disclaimer : Leah is MC in this AU. In this AU, there is no Evol.

Genre : fluff

Words : 1,542

NB : this fic is also inspired from this song

“Leah, you should go home now. You just left the hospital yesterday, your body still needs time to be fully recovered,” Anna slowly shaked my body, waking me up.

Leah corrected her posture, “yeah, I know I should. But I don’t want to become a burden for all of you, and especially that’s because I’m in charge of this company now. I just feel like I’m the one that should be my fellow workers’ strength, and I failed you all, even my father…” unbeknownst to her, her eyes felt hot. Leah wanted to continue but her brain couldn’t process her emotions right now.

“No, you’re not. And believe me, we all have made mistakes when that talk show was supposed to be aired live. But still, we managed to do it well at last thanks to the content and technical errors,” Willow tried to assure her. Three days ago, Leah had a chance to interview Mrs. Peng, the owner of a well-known bak kut teh* shop named Seventh Heaven. The topic was about business’ survival strategies for small and medium enterprises amidst the economic crisis. Suddenly, her stomach felt painful and she couldn’t suppress it despite all her efforts, until she fainted. The first thing she thought when she gained my consciousness was, she was such an unprofessional disgrace for this show.

“I want to see the editing process for a while,” Leah replied, still refusing to do nothing.

“Boss, we can also lend you a shoulder. I’ll send it straight to you when it’s finished. Okay?” Kiki patted her shoulder.

Before Leah nodded in defeat, Minor continued, “Boss, I’m sorry for the shift of topic, but Gavin said to me that he will come to your house around 10 pm.”

She yawned, “why didn’t he tell me directly?”

Minor rolled his eyes, but suddenly he had a flustered look on his face, “eh, sorry, he already contacted you several times, but no answer from you.”

Leah checked my phone, it had no power. “Oh God, why am I so stupid? Gavin is definitely angry with me now,” she said resenting herself. The fact that she had done this earlier consumed all her sanity. She immediately turned on her phone, and her eyes almost popped out from their sockets seeing the amount of missed calls. The fact that this day was July 28th made her more shocked. “Okay, I gotta go now,” she said after her friends kept telling me the editing was almost finished.

Leah went to Seventh Heaven. Amidst the crowd, she could still hear the voice she knew really well greeted her first, “Leah, are you feeling better?”

“Mrs. Peng!” Leah slightly raised her voice and fastened her pace towards the middle-aged woman. “Yeah, I’m healthy now! I’m… I’m sorry…” suddenly the scene flashed her mind, her body felt heavy.

“You don’t need to. Let’s go inside,” Mrs. Peng replied, dragging her into the shop.

“I think the technical errors are made up…” Leah couldn’t help but loathed everything around her.

Mrs. Peng patted her, “we can’t prevent unexpected things from happening. Instead, the only thing we could do is to find ways so it would be meaningful.”

While Leah was digesting her words, Gavin’s smile entered her thought and erased her anxiety, “I want to buy two portions of pork tenderloin soup, one portion of fish soup, and one braised pork belly. All takeaways, please.”

“For who?” Mrs. Peng giggled. “Let me guess, your policeman friend…”

Leah blushed and tried to hide her embarrassment with all her might, “uh, Gavin, tomorrow is his birthday.”

Not long after, a waitress handed her orders. Leah waved goodbye at Mrs. Peng. Her home was quite far from her company and the shop, so she had to take a bus ride. She was listening to her favourite song, not realizing that she dozed off.

You know those days

Those days where you're sad for no reason

And it looks like everyone else except you is busy and fierce

Those days where your body is heavy

My feet won't set off, though it seems like I'm already too late

I'm hateful of the whole world

Yeah, here and there are click-clacking speed bumps

My heart grows crumpled and my words lessen

Why the hell? I ran so hard

Oh why to me

A bell sound gave her consciousness back. Finance Street Halt, Leah could read the sign clearly and hear the sound of the broadcaster telling the passengers to pay when they intended to leave the bus repeatedly. She hurriedly ran to my home, opened her phone. She just realized that she hadn’t replied to Gavin's messages. Without a second thought, she spammed him her apology. Not seeing any signs of his reply, she attempted to sleep because she was really beaten up. The only thing that kept her awake was the clock, reminding her of her faults and it was already 10.30 pm. She continued listening to the song, so she could relieve her stomach pain and irregular, fast-paced heartbeat.

Come home and lie in bed

Dizzy night, looking at the clock

Thinking if it was my fault?

Soon it will be midnight

When her mind was about to drift off, the bell rang. “Coming,” Leah said, running to the door. The first thing she saw after opening the door made her heart want to leap, but getting crumpled instead. Gavin was in his casual clothes, but with a solemn look on his face. “Gavin, you’re late. Come in,” she said, inviting him to enter her home. He only followed her without uttering any single word.

After both of them sat, he started speaking, “I’m sorry for not telling you, I just finished my work. Leah, have you eaten?”

Leah shook her head, “actually, I bought food from Seventh Heaven. Mrs. Peng is really generous despite all my mistakes.”

Seeing her held back her tears, Gavin approached her, then she felt a pair of warm arms encircled her. “You have done your best, Leah.”

“I’m just a nuisance,” she said coldly. “And yeah, the audience wasn’t really impressed because the airing time was rescheduled. That makes me think that I should get lost forever. And I even forget to return your calls...”

A pair of amber eyes pierced through her soul’s window, his hand patted her head gently, “I’m hateful of the world too. But, about the last thing, that makes me dead worried. Have I done something wrong? Because all I got is my own echo.”

Somehow, she finally managed to let out a laugh, “Minor told me that too. No, actually I’m just dumb. I forgot to charge my phone.”

Gavin sighed, a small but sincere smile curved from his mouth. “I’m here to accompany you tonight.”

Thanks to him, Leah felt much better. “Let’s eat now. I’ve been waiting for you so we can start making our tummy happy!” She was beyond glad because he loved the bak kut teh.

After the dinner was finished, she held his hand while guiding him to her bedroom. Gavin always gave her warmth despite his cold exterior. “Listen to this song with me, it really helps me cope with the present situation.”

Gavin was confused when he put one side of my earphones, “what song?”

God, how Leah wished she could cuddle him. She showed him the English translation in order to make him understand the meaning better. He was a bit sulky that she liked the boy group that sang it a bit too much, but he tried hard to hide it by cuddling her tight.

It won't be something like that

Will something be different?

But this day will be over

When the minute and second hands overlap

The world holds its breath for a little while

Zero o’clock

Her reminder popped up. It was already July 29th, zero o’clock. They kept listening to the song.

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

Like that snow that just settled down

Let's breathe, like the first time

(Ooh-ooh) And you're gonna be happy

Turn this all around

When everything is new, zero o'clock

Leah paused the song, pulled herself from his cuddle, “happy birthday, Potato. I hope at this new year of your life, you’ll be happier and healthier.”

Gavin cuddled her again, “thank you so much, my Pumpkin. My wish is the same for you. I hope I’ll be the one who makes you get the happiness you deserve.”

She blushed, how could he be so smooth at times. He laughed at my reddened face. “Why are you laughing? Let us pray,” she said to divert her embarrassment.

They were holding hands, silently pouring all their wishes.

Put my hands together to pray

It'll be better, for me

Hoping that tomorrow I'll laugh more, for me

When this song ends

May a new song begin

Hoping that I'll be a little happier, yeah

Gavin caressed her hair after he saw her yawned. “Sleepy?”

“Yeah, finally. But I’m joyful because it’s the tranquility that makes me sleepy, not the usual tiredness,” Leah snuggled closer to him.

“Sweet dreams for us, then,” he closed his eyes, hugging her in their sleep.

*bak kut teh : a pork ribs / meat soup dish with salted vegetables (this is how it looks like)

This is the GIF :))

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in-tua-deep · 6 years ago

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TUA Headcanons

Some random headcanons i have for after they fix everything and are just living together after the apocalypse and recovering and being their best selves because I love them and okay they’re mainly five centric but you don’t have all the facts,,,, i love him,,

Five ends up being like,, professional penpals with a bunch of physicists/mathematicians online because honestly Five basically had to make his own branch of time travel maths during his time in the apocalypse he was working blind for most of it, so he’s SMART and he gets to channel his passion for numbers into running circles around professionals

He’s probably actually offered a job at some point but ends up being like,,, i cannot reveal my identify,,,, i can do consults only because honestly how is he supposed to explain that he is a) probably legally a minor if he bothered to actually legalize his existence because people are going to look at ‘time traveled at 13′ and ‘here now and looks 13′ and make an assumption and b) also,, doesn’t have a formal education. He was 13 he doesn’t have a highschool diploma, never went to college like damn

Five doesn’t know how to Person very well so he’s trying to learn by observation and looking at the only people-people who are around him, which are his siblings, so he picks up some of their habits

Klaus is the first one to pick up on this when Five gives him what is absolutely a Diego Scowl when Klaus says something dumb. Klaus had a mini panic with Ben about the fact that Five was alone for a really fucking long time and then when Five is safely tucked away elsewhere he calls a family meeting

The family meeting is literally just telling the others that Five is looking to them for examples of socially acceptable behavior and they need to keep that the fuck in mind damn, and if Five is mirroring then they’re going to use this to help him the fuck out

This is a long winded way to say that Klaus heads the cuddle brigade and basically says that if Five is looking to them for social modelling then they need to demonstrate platonic and safe touches with each other to normalize it and encourage Five to be more okay receiving/accepting touch bc i yelled about his touch starvation/aversion combo before in another post

okay though but actually modelling emotions by getting in the habit of saying “i feel ____ because ____ so i’m going to _____” is super helpful to kids because you’re giving them ways to describe their own emotions and deal with them, and i’m 100% sure that no one gave these kids healthy coping mechanism or modeled healthy social behaviors in their LIVES (example: i’m kind of irritable because I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to write this scene that I’m working on in a way that accurately reflects the way it’s going in my brain, so i’m going to take a step back and take a break - maybe grab myself some food and water or take a nap or a relaxing bath, etc.)

Diego spearheads a lot of park visits because he’s on a one man mission to take Grace out and about as often as possible since Reginald is dead and it combines his two favorite things: spending time with his mother and spitting on Reginald’s memory, so they have more picnics than they’ve ever had in their lives but everyone ends up enjoying it

Luther learns ways to make him feel a little better about his body. Maybe he shaves or waxes - it’s not like the hair grows back instantly and he can roll up his sleeves if he wants. Or he gets a tattoo or something, claiming the body at least somewhat as his own. He tries

Luther still has all his old shirts and clothes around from before The Incident even though he can’t wear them anymore. However, this supply is quickly dwindling because literally every other person in the house steals them. They’re too big on everyone because Luther wasn’t exactly a small dude even before Reginald’s weird serum, and the squad tend to use them as pajamas. Like they have literally had a movie night in pjs where everyone was wearing Luther’s old shirts with varying degrees of bigness (Five likes to tuck up his legs inside the shirt and sit like it’s a blanket or tent)

Allison bought a whole load of parenting books and child psychology books and is frequently seen reading them and making notes around the house when she has some free time. Ostentatiously this is only about getting Claire back and to supplement her therapy alongside the parenting classes she’s taking to show good faith to the courts. On the down low though, there are also books about child abuse and isolation in there because Allison also wants to help her entire family

Vanya is still teaching and in the orchestra and having more of a good time now that she can actually, you know, feel strong emotions again. She has a student one day who she didn’t get a name for except when she opens the door it’s Five looking nervous because he wants to spend time and actually show an interest in her passions and figures it can eventually be something they can do together,,, or something

he’s so bad at first guys. like he’s So Bad. But not the worst Vanya has ever taught, and Five is smart and pretty good at picking things up quickly but he’s still at a very very beginner level for a long time (Vanya gets him his own violin so that they can eventually do duets together it’s cute I promise)

I don’t know i just like thinking about these guys after everything has happened when they need to find purpose for themselves and figure out how to live again, because let’s be real none of them were really living tbh

#tua #the umbrella academy #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #number five #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #grace hargreeves #my headcanons #seriously please teach five how to appropriately person #he's so stunted in his social and emotional development #honestly being 13 again was probably the best thing for him #give him a chance to relearn how to person where his social and emotional growth stopped #except you know #even at 13 he probably wasn't at healthy levels of 13yr old social development tbh #why did reggie suck so badly #also like #does luther have negative effects from four years on the moon??#or do his powers negate that?#like don't astronauts lose bone density and shit for every month they're out there #how does that translate to living on the moon #some muscle loss #does that mean luther is supposed to be EVEN BUFFER

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ladytemeraire · 5 years ago

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I am very, very tired of my brain being broken.

(Today has been a particularly bad brain day, feel free to skip. CW for discussion of medical stuff and anxiety.)

I feel like the thing a lot of neurotypical people don’t realize is that those of us who deal with mental illness or other brain issues like ADHD are fully aware of just how absurd our neuroses and triggers are, and having to live with them is far more frustrating and exhausting than you could ever imagine. Like we know our brains are being dumb, we know it’s not logical or rational, and knowing it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.

I thought I was holding it together okay given the state of things but hoo boy did today prove me wrong. Even with being very good about taking my meds and trying to get sleep and extending myself extra grace and self care, I’ve gone from maybe one panic attack a month to one or more per week.

Here is what prompted the latest one, transcribed as close to the frantic screaming in my brain as I can manage:

I had a blood draw yesterday (routine health screening, scheduled well before the world went to hell, the person came to my place rather than me going to a clinic or hospital and wore a mask to limit exposure) and it went fine but she couldn’t get a vein to plump up in my left arm so she had to use my right one and now it hurts and there’s a huge bruise and the fact that it’s my dominant arm means I can’t stop using it to ice it and make it better, which wouldn’t be a big problem except my piece of shit over-anxious brain can’t stop focusing on pain in the right arm as the symptom of a stroke or heart attack (particularly in women) and connecting that to how strokes and clots have been showing up in otherwise healthy young people as a comorbid symptom of COVID even though I have no reason to think I have COVID, not to mention that’s a thing to be concerned about in its own right, and it’s linking that straight back to the paranoia I thought I’d kicked years ago about clots and aneurysms and other silent medical issues.

(Also I really, really fucking hate blood draws in general so I was a crying mess during it and that only makes me feel like more of a baby about the whole thing.)

I literally had a sobbing panic attack on the couch for almost two hours straight this morning, and then another shorter one partway through the afternoon, and I can’t make it stop. My anxiety in general and medical anxiety in particular hasn’t been this bad since I had my breakdown in college. And it’s not entirely unfounded, but there’s nothing I can do about it, there’s no tangible way to soothe it, so all I can do is spiral.

I might call my PCP and ask if he’d consider prescribing Xanax or something, just to help get me through the extra stress brought on by The State Of The World, because clearly that’s been enough to push me from “a little stressed but managing and coping” to “two seconds from a breakdown at all times”. But that might require me going in for an appointment, and I really don’t want to do that right now, even though our governor in his infinite wisdom has started moving us to Phase 1 of reopening.

To be perfectly clear, I am not looking for medical advice, and I am perfectly aware of exactly how goddamn ridiculous this all sounds; I’m just venting into the void. I just want it to stop. Just make my brain shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes and let me live my life without having to fight with my own goddamn mental processes.

#life with ladytemeraire #mental illness #anxiety #I am so tired #cw medical #coronavirus #(only mentioned)

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hcpefulmarshmallow · 5 years ago

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Time for some long, unnecessary Meta. I’ve had this one in my brain for ages, but I haven’t really had an excuse to talk about it until recently. Identity isn’t a major theme in Nagito’s character (although it plays it’s part), and so, I’ve been putting this one off. Then, my good pal Ashi had to go be a literary genius and incorporate some really interesting things into their Gundham, and now I have all the excuse I need. So I’m going to be talking about him, too, to a marginally lesser extent, using aspects of the Best Gunny’s characterisation. (Seriously though, plug. I’m not even sure it’s possible to follow this blog and not know about Ashi’s Gundham, but on the off chance: @the-taboo-king.)

Under a cut for length, philosophy, and shameless, shameless Roulette.

This is the part where I say something that makes the reader’s eyes glaze over, but indulge me. No Exit is a 1944 existentialist French play by Jean-Paul Sartre. It’s about three people - Garcin, Inez and Estelle - who are all doomed to hell, except hell is just an ordinary room, and it’s really, really good. I’d highly recommend.

The characters spend much of the start of the play sitting around, waiting for Satan to show up with the hot pokers and the lube, but once the three of them are gathered in this room, nothing happens. All they can do is sit there, get to know one another, and watch the people they left behind on Earth live out the rest of their lives and move on. There’s nothing there except three chairs; nothing else for them to do. It’s explicitly mentioned that hell has no mirrors, so for instance, when Estelle wants to fix her makeup, she has to rely on Inez to tell her if it looks alright or not. The trouble is, Inez is really attracted to Estelle, so Estelle has no way of knowing if Inez is telling her the objective truth or not. Furthermore, Estelle is kind of grossed out at the thought of another woman being attracted to her, so she starts flirting with Garcin. Not because she’s especially interested in him, per se, but he is the only man there, and Estelle thrives on male attention.

Garcin doesn’t seem to want much to do with either Inez or Estelle at first, preferring to focus on watching his wife try and cope with the terrible reputation he left behind. However, eventually she, and everyone who knew him, dies or moves on. It becomes like he never existed, as it does for them all.

Garcin accepts Estelle’s advances, but it’s not her attention he wants. It’s Inez’s. She’s furious, jealous, and ready to throw some hands. Inez’s fixation remains on Estelle; Estelle’s on Garcin; and Garcin’s on Inez. Things become vicious between the three, until, at last, the door to hell opens. Garcin has the chance to leave, but he doesn’t.

The play is especially famous for the line “Hell is other people”, and directly opposes the old adage, “I think, therefore I am”. It posits that humans exist because we are seen, and therefore if we are unseen, we do not exist. At this point, Garcin has become dependent on his feud with Inez. He might be forgotten in the world, but as long as she hates him, there’s a him to hate. The absence of mirrors removes the characters’ abilities to reflect on themselves, so they can only experience themselves through one another. In that sense, their purpose here isn’t solely to be punished, but to punish one another for all eternity.

So, what does this have to do with Dangit Roomba 2, the game where everything’s made up and the deaths don’t matter? Like I said, this play has been in the back of my mind for a while when it comes to writing Komaeda, but it hasn’t been explicit enough for me to justify writing oodles about until recently. So before we talk about Nagito, let’s talk about the man, the myth, the hamster dad himself.

Identity is a major theme for Gundham. He cultivates his own very, very carefully, only breaking character here and there either to adjust himself (and comment on a “good line”), or when he’s flustered and his composure slips just a little bit. Given how much effort he puts into his words and appearance, you’d be probably correct in assuming he wants to be seen a certain way. He appears to thrive off the fear and intimidation he inspires, yet despite demanding “silence and solitude”, he seems to crave companionship, and find it best in those who can easily reconcile his demonic persona with the kind, nurturing person he is underneath, as opposed to people who try and see directly through it. He needs that persona, you see. He can’t cope with it being stripped away. I’ve spoken about Gundham’s tendency to play the bad guy even when he is, objectively, the hero, before, so I won’t belabor the point too much. But what I’m driving at here is, who he is, and how he’s seen, are too intricately linked to be separated.

If you recall, the door to hell opens and Garcin has the chance to leave, but he doesn’t.

I can think of no better example than the ideas in No Exit, and the intricacies of Gundham’s character, falling into place better than Ashi’s future verse. Which is really, really good, and a masterful take on the philosophy of identity. When Gundham shatters the mirrors and covers the reflective surfaces in his living space, he is effectively robbing himself of the ability to see himself. He’s forced into the vulnerable position of his identity being placed in the hands of others. With no way to reflect on himself - literally and symbolically - he has to take what others say to him as is. Rely on other people to cultivate his appearance and judge what he can no longer see, and therefore, alter. Coupled with his persistent, subsequent self-aggrandizing and deprecation, and he’s submitting himself to the torment of being made into the villain of this story, no matter what he does from hereon out.

You see, the world isn’t in despair anymore. He’s been given a second chance. The door to hell is open, and Gundham has the chance to leave, but he doesn’t.

Like Garcin, he becomes reliant on the fight. The constant struggle against people who will see him in the worst light possible, no matter what he does. But unlike Garcin, Inez, Estelle, or even Nagito - and we will get to Nagito - he isn’t forced into this state, for survival or for punishment. At least, not by a third party. He’s condemning himself. He’s robbing himself of the ability to improve, or to see himself improve. He doesn’t think he deserves to. He relies on others to validate who he is, because others have always let him down. Always seen him as the villain. The weird kid. The one not worth including. He’s waiting to be told, “Actually, you’re a bad person and I don’t want to be near you”. He’s waiting to be abandoned and left alone because, when there’s no one left to see him, he will, effectively, no longer exist. He’s given up on a meaningful, extraordinary death, opting to instead languish in the depths of oblivion. For someone who has grappled for years to forge an identity he can live with (again, that other meta I did on him a while back), this. This is hell.

Now that I’ve outed myself as a secret Gundham Tanaka stan blog, let’s talk about his boyfriend. Identity is less a key theme for Nagito, and more a background element to his character. So it hasn’t been something I could justify a thousand-odd words on so far. But now I have an excuse, I’m going to talk about the single most underrated ship in all of Dimple Raddish. Like I usually do. Look, there’s been a semi-recent semi-surge on popularity for Roulette in the fandom, just let me ride it out, okay? As someone who doesn’t shut up about these two, I have no idea how much of it I’m responsible for, but I am arrogant enough to take more credit than is due, so. You’re welcome, fandom.

For all the things Nagito is awkward and dumb at dealing with (see: All The Things), helping Gundham cope post-tragedy is one thing he does pretty effortlessly. Because what Gundham needs is what Nagito has in perpetuity: relentless, unyielding love. The only way Gundham will ever face himself again, is if he’s forced to believe there’s something worth facing. There is an opportunity in seeing himself as others do. He can see the good things he’s never let himself acknowledge before.

Now’s as good a time as any to say: this is not a healthy way to be. And I’m not trying to imply that the love of the right person can cure years of trauma and abuse. But you know what can help? Being treated with some basic decency and respect. And heck, even love. Gundham is not a role model, and Nagito, less so. He’s a morally ambiguous, deeply damaged young man. He can’t really be fixed. But he can be given the support he needs to heal.

This is the inevitable part in all my long metas where I lament that Nagito’s childhood was loveless, and robbed him of the ability the feel any kind of self-worth. That he’s rendered incapable of recognizing his own needs much less putting them first, as a result of them never being met. That he’s a good person who deserves a good life, and despite having been through insurmountable hell, it’s a wonder he came out the other side so, very capable of selflessness. And that it’s tragic his biggest wish in life is to just know how to feels to be loved in any way by anyone, just to have the most basic, fundamental human experience. F in chat.

Nagito has interests, and hobbies. He...reads, sometimes. He likes dogs. His luck ruins everything. But when he isn’t encouraging others to chase that One True Hope, what is he actually doing? What would he be doing if he never attended Hope’s Peak? Given how many times he’s been treated like a burden, can he ever truly feel like he’s worth something to anybody?

There’s a sense of static around him, I feel. Like when the video quality suddenly drops, and it takes you a moment to realise. Who is he, exactly? The answer is simple and sad: whoever he’s told to be. He’s spent his life being treated like his feelings are a burden and he’s useless trash, therefore he is burdensome trash. In class he is often ignored and ridiculed, so he largely keeps to himself during group activities, and whenever he says something out loud, he often scolds himself for it before anyone else can. You know, that whole, “Haha sorry, that was a bit much, guess I’m just trash” thing he does. He has to be this way. For his own survival, for whatever sanity he has left. It’s easier to be treated like garbage if you believe you deserve it.

It’s normal for people to be different around different people. But I find that to be especially true with Nagito as I play him through different relationships with different people. The more he is with Gundham, the more his nurturing, animal-loving side comes out. The more he is with Celeste, the more we see his intelligent, competitive, gentlemanly side. With Sonia, his ability to be princely and adventurous; with Chiaki, his gentle and relaxed nature, with Yuuki, or the WoH, or literally any child under his care, we experience a strong paternal side to him. He is by no means a different person, but different aspects of his personality are given more dominance over him as a whole, based on what somebody sees in him. He’s very capable of stepping up, but only when he feels someone expects him to. Otherwise he’s content to sit on his hands and watch, because he doesn’t think he deserves anything better.

Nagito will not see these things, or anything especially good, in himself until he is given permission. Until he is made to feel, by an authority higher than himself, that it’s okay. He exists as others see him. If someone he looks up to, whose opinions he values, recognises the - for lack of a better term - hope in him, he will eventually be forced to accept that it’s there himself. He might even. You know. Develop enough self-respect one day to forge a more self-actualised identity. Have the audacity to want things, and have dreams and stuff. He might even follow them. It’s a long, tiresome, non-linear process; but a worthwhile undertaking if I say so myself.

I guess the tl;dr here is that: both boys validate themselves through the eyes of other people because it’s the only way they know how. It’s not a good or healthy thing to do, but with the right kind of support, and enough time and patience, maybe next time the door to hell opens, they’ll have the courage to leave.

#( this wasn't as in-depth as i'd have liked #i could have kept going but the word count bro #so imma just leave it like this and hope i've made my point )#meta;#long post;

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cactusheartd · 5 years ago

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❝ I aim to be lionhearted; but my hands still shake and my voice isn’t quite loud enough ❞ ZENDAYA COLEMAN? No, that’s actually CASSANDRA BONES-JORDAN. A SEVENTH YEAR student, this HUFFLEPUFF student is sided with MCGONAGALL’S ARMY. SHE identifies as DEMI-GIRL and is a HALF BLOOD who is known to be SHORT TEMPERED, SELF-CRITICAL, and IMPULSIVE but also POETIC, RESILIENT, and LOYAL. { AUDREY, 20, JST, SHE/HER }

death tw ! disordered eating tw ! running away from ur bullshit tw !

Born a Lover and a fighter / dumb ass funfacts here while i get my shit organised !

Sword lesbian

vegan

Plant mother and art hoe, loves thrifting

Generally dumb as shit, only smart when it comes to talking in 7 levels of sarcasm and irony.

Says ‘do it for the vine’ and other completely outdated slang constantly.

If you remind her vine is dead she will - unstan.

Very tech savvy, extremely upset that tech devices have been banned in Hogwarts like ?

No fashion sense whatsoever like honestly -- get her some help, stop her wearing hawaiian shirts.

Asks people their fave cryptid on a first date / is really into conspiracy theories.

Excells at repressing emotions and bottling them up into her mediocre artwork and occasional poetry and also kickboxing - healthy coping mechanism? Who needs them.

Kind of a jock but an emo jock who’s also a hipster

Tells all her secrets to her plants and exposes nothing to anybody else whatsoever

Constantly ?? day dreaming but will pretend they were doing something cool.

Kind of aloof and will not let you know anything concrete about them. ever

Deathly loyal and ridiculously strong moral compass, lawful good to a tee.

She is cactus . . . . prickly … hard 2 open up, but full of life saving liquid in an arid environment. She’s made herself strong and protected 2 hide any emotion

Will do anything for those she considers her friends but only really considers like 4 people her friend and 1 of them is no longer with us

Used to only care for peaceful protests uwu but now she’s here ready 2 throw hands 24/7

Dog lesbian not a cat lesbian.

Really into history and linguistics, loves philosophy,

Speaks a speckling of other languages but nowhere near fluent but can say i love girls in 12 languages.

Only can be called Cassie or Cassandra, the only person that called her Sandy was Gwen so now it’s a no-go. Easiest way to piss her off is call her sandy.

hufflepuff seeker ; very fast and good at flying, but known for drifting off and day dreaming instead of spotting the snitch. excels in chasing down the other seeker.

Actual bio!

Being the younger middle child always comes with it’s perks, namely, your parents already know what to expect when they’re expecting.

Brought into the world full of smiles, and she’s never stopped smiling since.

A quiet, yet content child is how people would always place Cassandra Bones-Jordan. And for that reason, she was always somewhat in the shadow. That’s what everyone always says about middle children, they’re not the eldest, they’re not leading the pack. And they’re not the doted on baby.

They don’t have it harsh, they don’t really face the struggles and tribulations, they’re just part of the learning curve.

The infamous middle children, the children that time forgot that always end up with some sort of emotional baggage to them.

And so, Cassandra had a happy, uneventful childhood. Her parents loved her, her siblings loved her, and she loved them back equally and wholly with all the love she had to give. Which was a lot.

It was good for her, to be the quiet wallflower of a girl, she may not be a star actress but she shined in the role she was given to play. So introverted, she much preferred to sit in the back of the car with headphones in and a sketchbook in hand than ever join in the conversation, stand to the side of a photograph with a soft and pleasant smile on her face.

Such a lovely girl, everyone would comment, and leave it at that, sidelined for her extremely impressive bunch of siblings.

Cassandra fitted right into that role and so she never complained, just kept her head down and nose in her sketchbook and she’d be content and happy as she could be. She didn’t like the attention, she would actively try and avoid family at any and all parties.

Thus, it wasn’t a surprise that she was eventually sorted into hufflepuff, and she would always fondly remember that moment, writing back home to her mother. She was so proud to be a hufflepuff like her mother.

Except her sorting wasn’t really all that simple. She had an extremely long hat stall, the kind of hat stall where everyone tries to take bets on where they’re going to end up kind of hat stall.

Initially, the hat had thought gryffindor. For their was a bravery, a lion, hidden in the lanky but well built frame. Covered in marble that just needed to be sculpted, it was there, but it wouldn’t just bloom like a flower, it would need to be chipped at, destroyed, and the question for the hat was: would cassandra have trial by fire? Would she be burnt at the stake? Would Troy burn around her as she screamed into the night ?

Lucky girls are hardly ever called brave girls.

So the hat chose hufflepuff, perhaps a hope for the coming generations to be spared from war like its predecessor.

The wise words she and the hat exchanged didn’t really do much to bolster cassandra’s confidence, and so, she remained as a wallflower for the first half of the first term, learning the ropes of Hogwarts.

Luckily, she had her two elder siblings there to guide her a little bit, ruffle her hair as she walked past. But she still felt vehemently within their shadows, that her name Cassandra, meant little in comparison to the Bones-Jordan that felt like an anvill on her neck.

Being such a wallflower and a hufflepuff led her to being teased just a bit in her first year - a group of no good slytherins coming over and shoving her sketchbook into a puddle in the courtyard just because. ( she would later found out ; it was because one of her siblings had annoyed them earlier. )

A muggleborn hufflepuff of the same year, gwen mcstevens - scottish, ginger and awfully freckled, came to her defense and told em to fuck off basically in the most explicit way they could manage.

A spitfire, the sun, apollo, all synonyms for gwen mcstevens.

They became close friends- like he kind of attached at the hips, never seen without each other best friends’, it seemed like y/n had finally grown out of her shell a bit. Gwen even encouraged Sandy to dye her hair ginger in their 4th year.

Cassandra was quiet (around people she didn’t like), and gwen was loud.

They were each others balancing side, whilst gwen campaigned for everything and constantly had a bone to pick with someone, Cassandra would tag along. Because she felt the same way too , she just relied on the presence of Gwen to fully express those feelings.

An emotional crutch, they were completely co-dependant on each other, and at some point in their 6th year, it became like a thing between them. Unspoken, but there was a thing that she only ever told her parents about over christmas that same year in a flood of tears.

And much like her childhood, all they did was shower Cassandra in happiness, and told her to invite Gwen around next year for the holidays

Unfortunately - that christmas never came.

A few days after the news of Harry’s and MCgonnogal’s death came out, the first few muggleborns at Hogwarts began to go missing. Gwen amongst them. It was the 13th of November, a dreery November, when things were confirmed for the worst.

Dead. She could cope with the grief of Shacklebolt, Mcgonnogal, of Harry, but without Gwen -- there was an entire half of Cassandra now missing.

It was the rug out from under cassandra’s feet, her one support mechanism, the one person who knew everything about her was gone. But not just gone, she’d been murdered. Well, she didn’t know murder, but she could feel the room, could feel the machinations taking place.

cassandra was . . . . crushed. Defeated. Numb. she couldn’t feel shit - she was catatonic for a day in her dorm room, everyone edging around her so as to not aggravate the situation. And then she was gone, just like that.

She couldn’t deal with Hogwarts, at looking at Gwen’s bed next to hers, all her stuff left untouched as it had been last week ; her pet tortoise the only movement in that corner of the dorm.

It’s not like hufflepuffs to be rash; and here it was, the chipping of the marble.

She shoved a few belongings into her satchel and made a break for it on the 15th in the night -- stowing into the darkness.

However, the destinies, the fates, claimed this story to not be a tragedy - but an epic. Her hairbrain scheme to break free failed pretty badly; she’s found the next day by [w.c] in the early hours of the 15th on the border of the school grounds - just past the owlery a few hundred metres from the edge of the forbidden forest.

Disordered eating tw start In reality, it wasn’t fate, it was just the fact that she hadn’t eaten anything in a few days

Disordered eating tw end.

Cassandra begged for wc as they were fireman lifting them to the hospital wing to not say what actually happened, she didn’t want to deal with the drama without her crutch, nor did she want to worry her parents.

However, sitting in the hospital wing only lasted for a few hours, her desire to not worry her family trumped by the unending beating in her heart, the shaking of her limbs. this , although unknown to cassandra, was just grief.

But she had never experienced it before, or knew how to deal with it in a proper manner, so she tried to run again.

However, not having fully rested herself, her brain was fogged and her mental map of the school forgotten, and the room of requirement living up to its name, had sense a requirement in the lost bones-jordan child.

Moving through what she thought was just a normal door, Cassandra came face to face with a mirror. What should have been a paled face with sunken eyes and chapped lips, was instead replaced with stout figure with darting green eyes and firey hair.

Surprise ! it’s the mirror of erised ! what a lovely deus ex machina for us all !

And of course, it’s a grieving heart who sees what they long for the most ; gwen.

On the verge of tears, of running out the door and as far as she could -- ; perhaps it was too soon to see her again, her sun.

And maybe it was the lack of focus she had, or the iron deficiency, but she swears she heard the reflection talk to her. A manifesto to be brave ; cassandra had always followed gwen rigorously, but she did everything that gwen did. Sure, she needed the encouragement but she could always do it. She just didn’t believe in herself.

It’s the darkest hours of the heroes story ; and it's divine intervention, apollo, or thetis, swooping down from olympia with the words on wings.

It was that inspiration, that internalisation of Gwen that managed to get the courage to use her legs. Put one leg in front of the other and walk back to the hospital room, and sit back down. With no one to notice her second attempt.

The block of marble had been cut, the statue now revealed, the brave girl, the lioness, now in full force. People don’t call you brave if you’re lucky.

To keep part of Gwen with her everywhere, she decided to keep herself in everything Gwen had encouraged her to do, rather than become a hermit and avoid everything they ever did.

On a spur of a whim, she had those now, she decided to try out in the snap quidditch tryouts to replace the seeker. She got her best friends former position by some act of god, Cassandra says she plays with an angel looking over her.

She also signs up for the M.A the second she has a chance, constantly cementing herself in any role or position they needed to be filled.

Through dealing with her strife, she flourished rather than suffered, desperately trying to fill her time with extracurriculars, helping out the m.a, practising for quidditch matches.

At the same time, whilst keeping her emotions very bottled up, she’s started to act up and act out, her inability to deal with people she doesn’t like reaching sky high peaks. People would perhaps call her somewhat intolerant to blood purity ideas; and suddenly, she’s started to speak up when she hears something she finds dumb, started getting into fights and coming back to her dorm with a black eye or a bruised wrist.

It’s a level of self-preservation that’s gone too, along with any other healthy coping mechanisms. She doesn’t know how to deal with the deep seated grief that’s rooted itself to her bone marrow; but whatever she’s doing right now certainly isn’t helping one bit.

my wc page is still heavily under wip so i’ll post it in the gc when im done but the few basic ideas we got going on here are;

- the person who found her passed out in the forest ; sworn to absolute secrecy, peak drama and dramatic tension.

- other former friends of gwen who cassandra would have been friends with via proxy.

- people cassandra have absolutely gotten into a fist fight with as of late for whatever anti-muggleborn sentiment they’ve said in her presence

- love a group of people who are ... slowly going to adopt cassie into their friendship group bc she’s a loner and needs love.

- .. girlfriend (future)! crushes! you name it! she was kind of dating gwen so she ... soft angst hours ultimate edition !

- 1 ex / a guy, like the one person u date to try and convince urself your straight and it absolutely doesn’t work out and it’s kind of awkward we love heteronormativity in our kids.

#iidyintro #death tw #disordered eating tw #the bio is kind of death heavy but the other tw is like 1 line and i've marked it out so !!! stan

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drchrismurray · 5 years ago

Text

|| I’m A Mess ||

who: Chris Murray and Dr. Marietta Winslow with mentions of Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones and Noah Puckerman

when: Friday Morning

why: Chris has therapy

“Chris… Chris are you with me?” Chris blinked a few times, his mind completely elsewhere other than in the small room he was seated in. He looked around at the blank walls, painted what he could only assume was supposed to be a calming grey. It looked much like his own office where he met his clients. Comfy seats, walls that made his patients feel safe. And pictures of him and his family that made him relatable so his patients felt that they could talk to him. He knew the tricks were just that. Tricks. Which was why he was having such a hard time in this particular session. “What?” he finally replied. “I asked if you were okay,” Dr. Winslow leaned foward. “We started talking about your family and you sorta blanked out.” Christ adjusted in his seat and shrugged. “What do you want me to say Doc?” The older woman sighed and leaned back. “Chris… this isnt new for you. Not only do you do this for a living but we’ve been meeting each other for nearly two months and you’ve made progress but today it’s like you dont actually want to be here. So why are you here?” “Because I’m paying you $100 an hour,” he quipped, not earning a response from her. He sighed deeply and rubbed his now sweating hands on his pants before clearing his throat. “I’ve just been having a hard time.” “Chris,” she said again. “You were diagnosed with depression, something that millions of people deal with. And on top of that, your life hasnt exactly been a walk in the park. Your mother died when you were a child, and your father shipped you off to live with relatives when you were 16. You became a father at 17, and eventually married a woman who tried to kill your cousin. You have had more than a hard time…I just want to help you. Or we can sit here for the rest of the hour and not talk at all.” He tried to ignore the ripping in his chest and stared out the window. “Today was hard,” he started. “I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning. I felt pretty empty and I know you said these new meds would kick in soon but I feel like I’m drowning…. Last night I couldnt sleep and I just stared at Brittany… I just kept wondering why the hell she was with me.: “Why do you think she’s with you?” Dr. Winslow asked. “Do you want the real answer or what I tell myself?” “Both.” Chris swallowed and looked down at the ground, knowing that honesty was actually the best policy. He wasnt dumb, he knew that if he was going to be able to manage the storm that was his brain, he needed to lay all his shit bare. Even if it made him feel gross. “Most days I tell myself it’s because she loves me. Because she realized that she wanted to be with me. Other days I think it’s just because we have Ari. Because I’m convenient. Because... Puck isnt here.” He hated thinking it. That he was second best and that he didnt deserve to be with Brittany. Most days he was okay. Most days he knew he deserved to be happy. But those days were overshadowed by the days when he felt completely and utterly useless and unwanted. Dr. Winslow nodded. “Have you always felt like that?” “I dont know,” he shrugged. “Maybe? I always wondered what if we hadnt gotten pregnant? What if she’d had an abortion or if we just hadnt dated at all… would we be together right now?” “And?” “And… the answer scares me.” “Why?” “Because I knew that had we not had Ari. Had we not dated at all, I’d still have been with Santana and I would’ve married her…And she’d still be with Puck. He mightve still cheated but it wouldnt’ve been with Steph and maybe just maybe he’d still be alive.” “That’s a lot to put on yourself Chris. How does that make you feel?” “I dont know. I know that I love Brittany. So much. And I dont regret a single bit of our life together. And I want to be with her forever. But had she and Puck not broken up, she wouldnt have given me the time of day.” She nodded. “Does that make you feel insecure? Or unworthy?” Chris shrugged with a small nod.. “Look I know I’m good looking. I know I’m charming. I can turn it on whenever I want but the people who I fall in love with rarely love me back. Shawn was too deep in the closet to admit ever feeling anything for me. And Santana well I cant blame her because she barely loved herself when we dated as kids. And Stephanie was insane and cheated on me repeatedly. What makes me so sure Brittany is different?” “Is this why you have such a hard time thinking of marrying her?” Chris licked his lips and frowned. “Maybe? I wanna give her the world but marriage just sounds like something I never wanna do again. I mean everyone’s marriage has fallen apart. Charice and Dylan are divorced, Sam and Cedes never even made it down the aisle even though they’ve tried a combined number of three times. Why would I be the exception?” Dr. Winslow sighed softly and leaned forward. “Chris… I think when it comes to dating you’ve faced a lot of rejection. With Shawn, he rejected not only his sexuality but you as well. With Santana, she hid a lot of things from you and while I dont believe you were perfect, I think that’s added to your current mindset. With Stephanie, she cheated on you and then hurt someone you care about. I think it’s totally valid that you feel like marriage isnt something you want because you are yet to feel stable in any romantic relationship you’ve been in. But I think right now is a chance for you to try creating your own stability.” “How so?” he questioned. “Chris, have you told Brittany you’ve been meeting with me yet?” He started to shake his head. “Doc, I told you I cant. Look we’ve all been through so much shit the last year, I cant add this on. She’s already having a hard time with Cedes being gone and these new damn friends of hers that frankly suck. If I add depressed boyfriend to that, I dont know what she’ll do.” “Perhaps you arent giving her the chance to react. You’re basically taking her option away because you’re afraid she’ll reject you… maybe this even plays into the fact that you feel like you need to be the shoulder for everyone else. It’s a coping mechanism. You deal with other’s problems because maybe if they see you have a use for them they wont reject you much like your romantic partners and even your own family did as a youth.” Chris winced and clutched his chest due to the honesty in her words. “Ouch… Jesus Doc.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You dont pay me to lie to you,” she said. “Next week, I want to hear that you’ve not only told Brittany but that you’ve given her a chance to prove that you are in a stable, healthy relationship. One that wont end in rejection. Allow her to prove you wrong Chris.” Chris nodded, not wanting to do what she said but knowing that it would be helpful. “What if she proves me right?” he whispered. “Then you two made a beautiful little girl. And being with her taught you a lot. But she isnt the one you’re gonna end up with and that’s okay too. Stability starts in you first. Not in someone else.” Chris sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his head before standing. “Wow Doc, I feel like they need to pay you the big bucks.” “Aw Chris,” she grinned. “They already do. See you next week?” “Next week it is.”

#para: I'm A Mess

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endlessgreysky · 5 years ago

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August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx

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evilsnowswan · 7 years ago

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What does having adhd mean for you? I always only knew about the typical hyperactive little kid, but i see that's not right. Can you help me understand it more?

Hey nonny, so I wanted to take some time to answer this properly. Last weekend. Now it’s Monday and that didn’t happen, and I’m so swamped at work (and will be until Christmas) that I either answer this now or not at all.

I’ll try my best.

So, first things first. ADHD is real. ADHD isn’t just for (hyperactive) boys. ADHD isn’t a phase you grow out of. It’s not “caused” by minor brain damage, trauma, poor diet, or poor parenting. The reason many people think that a) it’s a myth perpetuated by pharmaceutical companies/bad parents/bad teachers, b)just boys being boys or c)an excuse used by lazy/dumb people to get out of things they don’t want to do, is because, in general, people don’t know any better, aren’t interested in learning about what doesn’t concern them personally, and like to believe what is fed to them by whoever agrees with them or yells the loudest. People like to believe that their opinions are the truth and leave it at that (you know, rather than to listen to the people who might actually tell them what living with ADHD is really like). (Not attacking you here, nonny, or anyone in particular. You actually asked- which I love, because not many people do that. ❤).

[THIS TURNED OUT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT]

The reason we associate ADHD with little boys is because that’s what we’ve been taught to expect. If there is representation at all, it’s little boys who are disruptive in class and hard to handle at home, who never sit still and don’t know the word ‘no’. There are young boys who fit this description and suffer from ADHD. Others exhibit the behaviors but the cause might be an entirely different one altogether (which is why proper testing is so IMPORTANT. Misdiagnosis helps nobody.). Boys are also more likely to be diagnosed, because that’s the demographic the early studies focused on. All the symptoms and criteria lists were biased (and still are to so extent), because they looked at boys and boys alone (initially research was focused on studying hyperactive, school-aged boys) and failed to understand that ADHD manifests differently in girls. If untreated, many adults (men and women) exhibit symptoms that have very little to do with hyperactive little boys, but the problem is still ADHD. Some researchers have suggested that ADHD is more prevalent in boys/men, but this is not the case. ADHD in girls/women is simply consistently under-diagnosed and under-treated compared to boys/men, especially those girls/women who do not demonstrate hyperactivity and behavior problems (or not in the same way that’s been observed in and linked to boys/men).

ADHD Is caused by chemical, structural, and connectivity differences in the brain, mostly as a result of genetics. Research shows that those with ADHD have abnormalities in how the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine work to facilitate communication between neurons and activation of various brain functions. This affects the parts of the brain involved in reward and consequence (which is why many people with ADHD are at risk for addiction and more likely to engage in dangerous activities. They may be more impulsive and are very accident-prone.), brain networks involved in the engagement and regulation of attention (well, duh.). and the modulation and regulation of the dopamine system (mood-swings, here we come). Also there’s issues with performance and effortful engagement in activities (i.e. executive dysfunction. We want to do the thing. We really do. We just don’t get our brains to switch from P to D, and when we do, it takes us a hell of a lot more effort and energy to do it.) The general ADHD brain has differences in activity levels and the way certain areas are structured. Brain scans show significantly reduced activity throughout the brain, especially within areas responsible for motor activity and attention capacity (again, we are accident-prone and it’s our brain that wasn’t listening. We didn’t do it on purpose), and there are other structural differences that have been linked to memory issues and emotion regulation (brain-wise we are stuck forever 17… dancing queens who have a hard time NOT overreacting and calming ourselves down. Emotions are tough.). I could keep going on like this, but my point is: it’s not made up, it’s very real, and it’s not just in our heads… well, except, of course, IT IS.

Some time ago I saw a post on my dash liking ADHD to a Vespa. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but the point was this: Imagine your brain (the neurotypical brain) as a car. People with ADHD don’t have cars, we have Vespas. Neither the car or the Vespa are, by themselves, a superior vehicle. They are both perfectly suitable to get you from A to B. The only problem is: The world we live in is built for cars. Roads are built with cars in mind - and while a Vespa may take you places a car can not go (think narrow, winding alleyways)- the advantage is with the car-drivers. We teach people how to drive cars. The instruction manuals are for cars. The maintenance tools are for cars. Try driving a Vespa like you would a car and you end up roadkill. In short: the ADHD brain is a different brain. It’s not a defective brain, it’s a different brain.Moving on… boys, and girls and women. And ADHD isn’t all there is.

There are different subtypes of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive, and combined type), and every person has a unique brain profile. There’s ADHD, there’s ADD, there’s something somewhere in the middle, or leaning more or less one way or another. Like so many things, AD(H)D is a spectrum. I don’t feel like going into specifics right now, but things are far more complicated than hyperactive boys and daydreaming girls. People are more complex than that.

The issue is that ADHD isn’t properly taught to the people who are supposed to detect and diagnose it. That’s why some doctors still refuse to “believe” ADHD even exists, or that girls/women can have ADHD , or that you can have ADHD and not be a drug-addict, a dropout, or a felon. Well, just because you don’t “believe” in it, doesn’t make it any less real or any less of a fact. That’s not how the world works. (Feels like that needs to be said more often these days, so I’m saying it.).

I grew up with male family members diagnosed with ADHD. Part of my family at least was aware of the genetic link, but failed to look at the girls/women, because we weren’t “like the boys” (hyperactive little boys syndrome). Only, we were. I got an ‘H’ with my diagnosis, and I fought them on it. I fought them hard, because what I thought the “hyperactivity” in ADHD stood for was what I had been told and had seen growing up - little loud, misbehaving boys, who I, more often than not, wanted to chuck out the window, because they got free passes way more than us girls did. I wasn’t like that?!?! AT ALL?!?!

Turns out that ‘the hyperactive trait’ can also manifest as “talking too much/too loud/at the wrong times/ missing social cues/trouble taking turns when speaking/trouble talking coherently and in a way that allows people to follow your train of thought/trouble listening/trouble not interrupting…”

it can present as impulsive shopping, online-addiction, leg-bouncing, nail-biting, hair chewing… and a lot of other things that LITTLE GIRLS ESPECIALLY are told not to do/be and are (constantly) reprimanded for, because it’s considered rude/improper/unacceptable behavior (more so for girls than for boys). The list of tell-tale signs in girls that get overlooked, because girls find other “outlets” is very long, but I’m very tired, so I’d have to elaborate on that at another time.

If untreated/ not diagnosed, many adults with ADHD develop coping mechanisms and strategies (not all of which are healthy. Many self-medicate with sugary drinks/food, legal and illegal drugs, risk-seeking behaviors…)… and there are a lot of comorbidities - drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety disorders… girls/women tend to turn the restlessness inwards and against themselves, boys/men display more signs of outward aggression. Some people even OVER-compensate.

I used to be that kid who’d forget and lose her head if it weren’t attached to her body, but grew up to be super organized, structured, always prepared, and overly punctual. Dependable. Responsible. Hard-working. So I didn’t fit the stereotype. Not at the first glance anyway. But all my planning and scheduling? I overdid it. Overdid it to the point that any spontaneity would become impossible and the slightest hiccup in my plans would turn me into a headless chicken with severe anxiety attacks (which I tried to cover up and hide as well).

I CAN drive my Vespa like a car if I have to, but it damn near killed me. That’s all I’m saying. But to claim that I couldn’t possibly have a Vespa in the first place, because I somehow made it from A to B and am still ALIVE is laughable and ableist, and UGH, somebody hold my flower.

Yeah, so that’s pretty much what growing up a girl with AD(H)D is like. Driving your Vespa like mad, praying to God you don’t crash, that the driver next to you doesn’t call you out for using the car-lane, that they don’t give you a ticket for parking in the wrong place and speeding when you shouldn’t, and that you don’t die out in the middle of nowhere when you suddenly, unexpectedly, run out of gas and DIDN’T-gasp!-plan ahead and your phone is dead as well.

PS: This wasn’t very informative or well-structured, and I’m sorry.

PPS: One important afterthought: You don’t “get” AD(H)D as an adult like you catch a virus. It’s in your brain and you’d have to have had it (i.e. displayed symptoms) since childhood to be diagnosed (as an adult). Just FYI. Important.

#adhd #adult adhd #women with adhd #girls with adhd #anonymous #replies #fucking adhd at its fucking finest #actually adhd #I didn't know where to take this #if there is anything you're particularly interested in #let me know #and i'll tell you more about that

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flukeoffate · 7 years ago

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Thoughts on Criticism: The Responsibilities of Writers and Readers.

I do not consider myself a writer. My specialty is art. I sometimes write fanfics if the urge is strong enough, but it’s not often. I consider myself to be an avid reader who mostly reads fanfiction but occasionally will delve into a book fandom. Currently, I’m reading all the Star Wars Canon and will be busy reading that for years to come. I’m focusing on writing in this post, because I believe writers are the biggest targets of criticism in fandom, but it also applies to artists of any creative endeavor, especially for aspiring professionals.

Potentially unpopular opinions under the cut, but I hope it inspires/encourages people or gives them some sort of insight.

Someone just posted advice on how to deal with negative criticism on writing, and it got the wheels in my head turning. Without taking apart that post (because it’s a fine post, but this is not meant to be compared to it) I wanted to share my thoughts as a reader, and as an occasional writer.

Lately, I have seen a lot of mutuals get extremely depressed over negative criticism on their fics. This is normal and understandable. My art gets negative crit. I have to deal with the feelings that accompany them. No one likes being told their work is sub par, no matter how nicely worded or constructive the criticism.

Which brings me to my first thought:

I think a lot of new writers do not understand the meaning of of constructive criticism. Their understanding of the term is often limited to ‘a review praising specific things a reader liked about their work’. But here is the thing: constructive criticism is not defined as a positive review. Constructive criticism can and arguably should be negative.

What makes criticism constructive is it’s ability to point out the good and the bad, so that a writer can consider this input and use it to improve their technique. There is a major difference between “Your story is terrible and I hate what you’ve done” and “I think your story is flawed but could improve if you did this, this, or this.” Both these statements can feel cruel, but the second review at least offers an opportunity for growth. You may not agree with the reader’s suggestions, but it at least gives you something to reflect on.

If one is serious about improving their technique, writers and artists have a responsibility to themselves to consider negative constructive criticism as a positive experience.

I can’t say it gets easier. It doesn’t. It hurts. but it’s valuable.

Now, readers/reviewers. Listen up. You have a responsibility too.

There is a time and a place for criticism. There are countless posts on tumblr encouraging people to comment on fanfic. Fanfic authors need positive support to stay motivated. Artists need reblogs to know their work is appreciated. It is a fact, and I urge you to continue this practice.

Feedback is the food on which writers thrive. But in any balanced diet, one must sometimes eat things they hate to stay healthy. Positive reviews are like sweets. You want them, they are satisfying, and it’s a reward for hard work. Negative reviews are like the vegetables you try to feed your dog under the table. You might hate them, but they are necessary nourishment.

Giving authors/artists nothing but praise is a disservice to an aspiring professional, and as a reader, you suffer the consequences. Eating too many sweets is detrimental to your health. Hearing nothing but positive reviews is detrimental to writing.

There is a symbiotic relationship between writers and readers. When one side fails to do their part, both sides lose. If readers do not give proper reviews, writers cannot improve. If writers do not know what they are doing wrong/ignore all crit, readers will be stuck with lower quality stories.

I think it is safe to say that everyone has that one book that they hate with a fiery passion. That one book that is so horribly written that you can’t help but wonder HOW it was ever given the green light for publication. The kind that makes you wish you could delete it from your brain. The kind just makes you ask WHY? Self-published books are often (not always) the biggest offenders, riddled with amateur mistakes or bad storytelling.

I firmly believe that many of these authors were never given proper constructive criticism. They were either denied it, they refused it, or their editors were incompetent. Maybe these writers have only gotten reviews from friends who didn’t have the heart to tell them anything but ‘Ohhhh it’s so good, write more!!!’

Mollycoddling is disrespectful to any professional. They are entitled to the opportunity for self-improvement. They need proper peer reviews. Being their friend does not help them. Aspiring professionals have a responsibility to themselves to seek out appropriate peers.

(On a related note: I recommend that authors take time to read awful stories. “Bad” can be subjective, but there is plenty objectively poorly written things from which you can learn what NOT to do. I didn’t start really appreciating good writing until I had something poor to compare it to.)

There are times when you may be called upon to give negative constructive criticism. It is the reviewer’s responsibility to recognize when this is appropriate, and to remain honest about their opinions.

Now, fanfic authors and readers, this is where things get a bit tricky. When is the right time to give potentially negative constructive criticism?

I believe that far too many well-meant negative constructive reviews are misplaced, and that can tear apart a writer’s self-confidence. It can cause them to stop writing altogether, and unless you’re a hateful piece of trash that needs tossing in a dumpster, you don’t want that. It is also a reviewer’s responsibility to learn how to be tactful in their criticism.

Many fanfic authors are NOT aspiring professionals. They are just trying to contribute and interact with fellow fans. Readers will not know which kind of author they are dealing with unless the author states it. You are not excepted to be psychic. You will not know which type of author you are reviewing until you review.

But here is a protip in human decency and common sense: If you write a negative review (constructive or otherwise) and the author responds poorly to it, take it as a cue that they do not want/are not ready for crit. You’ve given your two cents. You don’t need to get offended by their reaction. Bow out gracefully. You’ve done your part. You don’t get a say in how they react. If you continue to argue with them it will likely make them more distressed and unable to cope. That can cause the author to shut down and stop writing. Don’t be that asshole who writes “Your story is dumb, I can’t believe you would write this scenario. Don’t get mad at me. I’m only trying to help.” You aren’t. You’re just a jerk. You are not only stifling the writer, you are potentially denying other readers the opportunity to enjoy that author’s works.

Here are a few ways that you can give constructive criticism (both negative and positive) that is NOT being impolite.

Learn if the author wants crit.

If you can find out before any nasty exchanges have a chance to occur, then all the better.

Offer to be a beta reader.

It’s a great way to give private crit. Public crit on a published work might be appreciated by some authors, but it can be VERY embarrassing for new or self-conscious authors. Being a beta gives you as a reader the opportunity to make fanfics a more positive experience for the whole community. Do not go to an author and say “hey, your story really needs a beta”. Just say, “hey, I’m interested in becoming your beta, if you want one”.

Learn to present your negative criticism in a positive way.

Examples: “I like this, but I’m not understanding why this is happening, could you explain it more?” or “This sentence is confusing me, do you think it should be re-worded?” or “You wrote a really interesting thing earlier in your story, but it seems like it was lost or forgotten about. I would love to hear more about it, if you think it’s appropriate.” or “This paragraph is interesting, you might want to elaborate on it.”

Writers, there are some black and white aspects to beta work, like fixing grammar or spelling. If you need frequent spelling and grammar checks, don’t beat yourself up. That is purely a learning experience. Just because you made mistakes, doesn’t make you bad. It means that somewhere along the line, you were not taught effectively, and that is not your fault. Let the beta teach you, that is part of their job. Betas would not be helping you if they thought you were a failure.

Recognize the difference between objective writing and personal opinion.

Things can get messy when a person says things like “This character is OOC! They would never act like that!”. It’s important to remember that people interpret characters differently. You can engage with intelligent and polite debate about characters without being a dick. Reviews can be opinions, but constructive criticism is not about degrading another person’s viewpoint. It is about improving writing. Good writing can actually alter a reader’s view on a character, and that is a great achievement. Fanfics are analyses of canon, and are opinion driven by nature. Fandom wank is rooted unrestrained opinions that manifest in immature behavior. As the saying goes: Don’t Like, Don’t Read.

Remember writers:

You are not obligated to take your reviewer’s suggestions at face value. While their input is important, that doesn’t mean it’s right. You are the determining factor in what you write. No one can take that from you.

Ok, well that took like 2.5 hours to put together. Sorry if this turned preachy. It’s meant to be encouraging and empowering, but I know not everyone will take it that way.

Writers: Keep writing!

Readers: Keep reviewing!

(sings: “It’s the circle of (fanfic) life!”)

#fluke's thoughts #fanfiction #writing #art #constructive criticism #nnegative criticism #positive criticism #crit #negative reviews #self-improvement

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