#everything feels a little less happy now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marchsage · 8 months ago

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world's most well-adjusted daughter

#mizuki okiura #okiura mizuki #aitsf #ok now spoilies for that game in the next tags. if u do not tag aini spoilers and aitsf i guess then thats on u #aitsf spoilers #aini spoilers #ai the somnium files #aini #mizuki date #u ever think abt how little time mizuki got to be mizuki date with her dad before everything in aini went to shit #i can acknowledge it follows the res route without being happy that its like BAM ok now mizuki's lost her parent AGAIN #anyways thinking abt how messed up itd feel to lose the same eye date lost but now ofc he's lost so like. salt in the wound #and ik u/ch/////iko///shi said she stays w others who help her get back on her feet but like god i imagine she's resentful that it ended up #that shes stuck in a situation like this #maybe take it as a redesign too idk i have so many overwhelming thoughts abt a mizuki that did Not cope with it as 'well' as she did in ain #hence covering her eye. a more date inspired look still mixed w her old design too #my art #yea nvm the more i think abt it the more this is less redesign and more post-explosion route in aini #shes got her backpack..... her missing eye......... girls gone thru it all

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velvetjune · 7 months ago

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technically alan wake 2 final draft (spoilers ahead) is a Happy ending for the characters, but the spiral writers room video calling his enlightened self a possible demiurge or demon unsettled me far more than the original ending. that version, by his nature, already existing and overlapping with past loops, influencing and manipulating things without known reasons (to us and the Alan we play). it really makes that Alan out to be something else entirely through ascension and that this is inevitable. this could partially be because I kept seeing people say that the final draft was the happy end with a happy resolution for everyone, but I can’t stop thinking about what this means for Alan—and Alice!—going forward. That, along with the direct parallels to Yötön Yö playing out. It’s SO much to unpack

#final draft spoilers #alan wake 2 spoilers #alan wake 2 #I’m repeating myself in my aw2 posts about the ending but I reeeeaally love the first ending #and I’ve come around to liking the final draft but trying to wrap my head around it #and would love to know if anyone has specific thoughts on the yötön yö callbacks or master of worlds/demon thing #I’ve seen some interpretations that alice literally is the bullet of light coexisting with alan. or that maybe he’ll become an antagonist #but idk if I agree with those. but there’s a lot that the final draft opens up #and it is a Little funny to me that it’s considered the more positive or conclusive ends #apart from Logan answering the call—everything else leaves far more to question #the first end is very ‘Alan is stuck in a spiral and needs to ascend w the help of saga and Alice’#but the final draft. all the worlds are Alan’s oyster. who is he and what will he do. i have no idea #and all the ascension and becoming something else while playing the roles of yötön yö still make the entire thing feel slightly off #in a way that’s good btw. i like that the final draft is less clear and not a generic happy end than I assumed from all the buzz around it #like maybe aw3 or control 2 will roll around and he’ll just be like Mr Door and he’s just more aware of his powers #but for now I enjoy the questionable aspects of this happy end for alan and alice #😃 <- me after discussing the endings of aw2 extensively over multiple posts #also feel like i should say that I don’t think alan will be. evil or anything #it’s just the aw2 of identity and change that fascinates me with what ascension means for alan :’)

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leafy-m · 7 months ago

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I got Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen volume 3 a little early and guys.... GUYS!! THIS is what Kitchen in English should be like! 💥💝💖

If you like Orufrey, you have got to get volume 3!

#I don't know if the homophobic supervisor or whoever got moved to another project or what... BUT THANK YOU! 💝💝💝#FINALLY! SOME GOOD FOOD!#I mean I am still side-eyeing the end of chapter 30 because Olruggio's line Should be about how they're finally living under the same roof.#BUT OH MY GOD what a difference everything else makes #They mention alcohol! They admit the loop chalices are usually for wine!!#The word choices for how delicious the food is is so great!#I'm gonna have to look up wtf the bananas are named after but aside from that!!!#Qifrey and Olruggio can actually say each others names and they're so friggin adorable!!! 😤💝 Mr I can go all day!!#I'm so happy ya'll I can't believe it 😭💝#I feel so hopeful for volume 4 now #Also I'm half-way wondering if maybe they could revisit the translations for volumes 1 and 2 and maybe release an updated version maybe?#because I would absolutely buy those again if it were less censored and had better word choices. Just putting it out there! ❤#Like maybe after volume 5 do a box-set with a little bonus item maybe and secretly slide-in the more accurate and better translated version #I'd buy it! I'd be first in line!!#Just sayin!#Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen #Witch Hat Kitchen #Orufrey #Witch Hat Atelier #Also there's some REALLY cute moments with the girls #(I say; as a total afterthought; sorry I'm so transparent lmao)#Jade talks WHA

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months ago

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...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

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binders-and-beanies · 6 months ago

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Pondering bottom surgery in the tags I mf guess

#I’ve been. thinking abt bottom surgery again after having accepted for a while that I would probably never get it #for context early on in my transition I was dead set on phallo but then T and my other surgeries satisfied me enough to not need it #+ for phallo I would have had to keep an arm or leg free of tattoos and I just did not want to wait on that #not considering it would probably be at least a decade. tattoos were and are more important #+ the more I started to enjoy using what I have I was like. it is simply not medically necessary anymore #like would I like to have a **** yes. do I need one to live a happy life no #being bi complicates things for me too bc it depends a little bit who I marry #don’t want to tailor my body to a specific relationship esp if it doesn’t last forever but it does make a difference #current partner is nonbinary and wants phallo so that does not make things simpler lol #I want a body that allows the most affirming possible relationship w the person I intend to marry #I also don’t want to end up hindering things w future partners should that not happen #anyway I say all this to say. I had never considered meta as an option bc I didn’t think it would do much for me #lot of effort and money and healing for not as drastic a change. wouldn’t solve my biggest bottom dysphoria issues #however. starting to think it could be the middle ground I’m looking for as a gnc/genderfluid person #it would be less surgeries. less complicated n expensive. less changes to my current anatomy #esp if I don’t do everything you Can do w meta. I could do like half of all that or less #I don’t wanna risk giving up the things I can do now without knowing if I’ll enjoy the new possibilities #but this could be a way to just kinda feel more affirmed without it changing my life all that much #I think just the act of undergoing bottom surgery would be affirming. like I’ve done Everything I’m a binary male thru and thru. transexual #and I wouldn’t have to keep wondering if I’ll do it someday or if I should #not that I can any time soon I’m uninsured. insurance prob wouldn’t even cover it #but just. the more I look into it and think abt it + the more serious my relationship gets the more I lean towards it #my partner talking increasingly abt wanting bottom surgery asap is influencing me too ngl not even in a jealousy way #just. I can’t deal w the possibility of a partners phallo fucking up my relationship w my body Again. I would need to know what I want #man. I can’t even go to therapy to talk thru it. on account of being uninsured #mine #txt #personal

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ereborne · 7 months ago

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Song of the Day: May 3

"Life Less Frightening" by Rise Against

#song of the day #'I don't ask for much / truth be told I'd settle / for a life less frightening'#another song that when I sing it alone it doesn't sound much like the original but I do so like to sing it #check me stirring my roux humming 'these lives we live test negative for happiness' sweetly to myself #today was Friday and I'm still trying to decide if I'm satisfied with the amount of work I got done this week #I suppose I'll have to be #I had my weekly report meeting and again the updates my boss asked for in the meeting were not the ones she asked me to prepare #so I split-screened her and delivered the prepared updates as I frantically opened and updated the new request #and then when she finished making politely falsely interested sounds (I'm not bitter I'm not I'm not) she asked again for the new update #and by then I had it ready! saved it as I brought up the share-screen and showed it to her #too frustrated in the moment to be properly proud of myself but now it's hours later and I'm feeling a little smug about it #little back-pats for me #I have something like a project timeline worked out for the idiot project #and I did some good work in the garden (nasturtium growing up the post under the bird feeder. very pleased it took the transplant so well)#and I sooooort of sorted the freezer stuff. kind of. mostly we ate the things I wanted to rearrange but I've got a plan for moving forward #the last non-work thing I'd really wanted to accomplish this week was getting my queue set up again here #I've gone through my drafts and done some prep but as you can see the queue isn't actually running again yet #hopefully I'll do that tomorrow. we'll see how it goes #the queue may have to wait until Sunday because I must confess if I can accomplish only one single solitary thing tomorrow #I would like it to be six hours of uninterrupted sleep. may it please the gods I shall rest tomorrow. blessed weekend #edit: wait wait I'm a fool I'm a fool I just typed 'May 3' and still I am a fool #it's May the Fourth!!#happy star wars day my loves if I don't get the queue up today after all #it's because I'm reshuffling everything because I've got a new influx of SW posts to distribute!!

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hewsos-from-lesbos · 7 months ago

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Why should I care about what's happening? I don't even care about myself. We'll all die eventually, what does it matter how people are dying? I wish my death will come soon. But I gotta spend every moment of my life worrying about everything that's happening everywhere or I'm a bad person. If I die I don't have to worry about any of it and I can stop hating myself. There's nothing to lose.

#fuck everything #Might just kill myself at this point #Gotta be less painful than eating as little as possible and waiting #current events #anxiety #Feeling even more awful about existing than normal #(which is impressive)#Y'all happy now?

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numberone-wifeguy · 7 months ago

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05/05/24

#this is so strange.#i'm feeling less and less like one cohesive individual. which is frustrating since i just fucking got here.#it's as if there's two sides to the same coin. and i feel like they're both ''me'' more than i consider adam to be ''me''#but disconnected enough that it's not. well. cohesive like i said.#i don't know.#anyways.#i'm off the high of the conversation having gone well and now i'm panicking again.#one little chitchat isn't going to change everything is it? of course not.#and the honeymoon phase of the cycle is a very real thing.#so #i don't know!!! i'm scared #at least i was happy for a few days. long enough to get some sleep.#entry//

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lambentplume · 8 months ago

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yapping aimlessly tonight

#jaerambles #i just have a lot in my brain!!#anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object #i really do think it would be just aimless learning.#like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things #it feels a bit. selfish.#but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things #i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though #i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them #trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder #drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that.#i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd #i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality!#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy #ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles #or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money #like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy #there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august #or not who i was. what i was doing.#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn #i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job #and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong #and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow #this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭

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carrotpiss · 10 months ago

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🐰🧡🐻

#in stark contrast to most of my personal posts this is about me being happy and gay #because i need to just get it out my system bc otherwise i am just going to grab a friend by the shoulders and scream (in joy) in their face #i am dating someone and its really really nice and sweet and cute and like nothing ive ever experienced before #and instead its like every tiny little dream about this kind of thing ive managed to hold onto despite every experience otherwise and ahhhh #the lack of focus on just sex or sex appeal is so nice its like there but as a side thing so its nice and i dont feel like an object #i feel like a human person with thoughts and feelings and interests outside if that and feel safe in that and feel safe that everything wont #just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything #and el likes me as much as i like them and wants and sees and communicates that they want something long term and ahhhhhhhh #i just want to cry like holy shit this is everything ive ever wondered about like i have spent so long wondering what this feeling would #actually feel like and its so good and so indescribable and ahhhhhhh #waking up on monday night and seeing them in my bed and cuddling me was just so nice i felt wanted i felt... loved #this all seems so out of left field still i still feel like i just never saw it coming but its so welxome and nice and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #my pessimism is still there but its less loud now its more learning to accept this may not be perfect forever but letting me enjoy the now #crouch speaks #it feels so nice to not be scared and to feel secure and ahhh #also it made me laugh El remembered me hitting on then at the Dgoals release show making them blush lol #i only remember the time i hit on them later at the groles show so its funny i pretty much used the same line twice and it still worked #i cant wait to see them again i cant wait to hold hands in public again i cant wait to be idiots who keep blushing too hard and accidentally #kissing eachother on the nose instead of the mouth because we are stupid and gay and pathetic about it hahaha #just ahhhh i could gush forever how perfect the 2!!! dates weve been on were and the fact they want more and more and ahhhhh #this is so lame i know i just haven't experienced anything remotely like this before and its just... wild #like wow holy shit what on earth i have been so increasingly miserablely depressed and insecure from the shea stuff last year and then this #just absolutely removed all of that i actually feel like a human person again with value

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deathbringer · 1 year ago

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i was gonna make a bleakly funny kinnie post and then i realized that it's functionally 9pm and i shouldn't be trusting how i feel about my life. growth?

#trick talks tag #the sadness that i feel does not cancel out the happiness. vice versa.#both of them can coexist and be valid.#in a recent session i went: hey therapist is everything just reinvention and grief in varying shades forever #and he laughed and replied: i mean a little bit yeah but also you are just still in your 20s. it does get less exhausting #and i went: fair. but i'm exhausted now.#and he went: yeah. i'm sorry. let's talk about constructive coping mechanisms again.#god growing up is so fucking. HARD.

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mieczyhale · 1 year ago

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one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...

my son in christ you are 21

i literally want to fucking die

#dont get me wrong! good for him! i'm happy for him #but he really said he started the channel when he was younger (turns out that was 18) and it felt like time to move on #i am 31 and only got the job i love a year and a half ago #i have been dating and living with the same person for... 10 years in 11 days and all i've ever wanted is to get married #(and be a mom but i dont think im ever getting that one but im gonna go ahead and focus on that one zero percent or i'll cry)#i say. like all of this doesnt make me want to cry lmao #i am so incredibly blessed to have what i have. like truly i ended up with the perfect sort of life for my awkward mentally ill ass #but i cannot NOT spiral just a little when people younger than me have the things i want so so bad and then also talk as if their young age #is older than it is. i know you feel mature and older but you are still so fucking young. and okay honestly - now that im rambling - thats #just part of it huh?? i mean a lot of the spiral is actually Wow. I really lost so much of my life (so much time. so many opportunities) to #mental illness and other shit i couldn't control and there are people who didn't fucking have that. there are people who didn't have to #deal with any of that!!! honestly!!! and you just.. dont do anything to prepare for the future when you do not expect there to be one for #so long and then you can't stop fucking everything up and then oh look! you're in your 30s and-#god i cannot fucking do this #it is 1:35 in the morning and im tired but now i feel really stubborn about going to bed. i should. i want to. but also i dont.#actually going to bed is where The Horrors are so #this really was the dumbest fucking shit i think im gonna go to bed & play p.m on my phone and try to be a little less pathetic #maison speaks

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4giorno · 1 year ago

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okay im enjoying getting these dialogues i previously missed so much. literally astarion when you ask what? will you miss me: "HA!

why not!!!"

#yea dont look at me i started a new character and felt like shit going through all the stuff that i just walked past on my beloved character #so i just made my og character the exact same again and im doing the exact same route with him again VDKFJDJDJDKF #but now im gonna actually do all the stuff in the game bc before i didnt understand the game so i missed so much #i was gonna explain everything i felt but it got way too long so ill just say this instead:#im already getting so much fuller of an experience and i couldnt be happier #and i wanna play my new character (who i like) when i dont feel misersble doing it #im not someone whos precious abt their games like when its over thats it thats the canon story so this way works for me #i build it meticulously until im satisfied!#im still gonna make the same decisions. hes still gonna be the same deceitful little rat with delusions of grandeur #but now i just play out all the massive amounts of stuff i didnt know existed bc i didnt understand how to navigate the game #its gonna be tough to eat the tadpoles again and be cool to the dream visitor bc i HATE the emperor hdjdjdjf #but like i said first time around its absolutely what he would do bc hes convinced he can control it #to get back to the post itself LMAO im obv so happy to get all the astari0n dialogue i missed bc just with this one dialogue i missed #(bc i didnt know how to long rest well) im getting a much more fleshed out picture of his manipulation and its so great #im on tactician now so im hoping it will force me to long rest more so i miss less camp dialogue #anyway can you believe my previous attempt at these tags was even longer? lmao bye im off to enjoy the game however i please!

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balladetto · 1 year ago

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which tarot card are you?

tagged by: plucked from my dash like a bug! tagging: whoever would like to do this but hasn't done so yet!

link // the tower.

where is the line between awakening and self-destruction? is it thin? are you walking toward it? on it? already too far gone? there is nothing more disheartening than trying to find yourself, only to learn that you detest the person you've been looking for. can i tell you a secret? you are allowed to love yourself. required to, even. how can you go forward without it? make no mistake — it is not easy. but it is essential. you will get there, and it will be warm.

number: 16. upright: sudden change, upheaval, chaos. reversed: transformation, fear of change, averting disaster.

#* lionheart / study.#* intermission / ooc.#[head in hands over awakening and self-destruction being synonymous. oh my god. oh my GOD]#thinks about how link feels stuck in identities and feelings and /time periods/ that define the trajectory of (the rest of) his life #but not who he actually IS. and how he doesn't know what that even is because he wasn't who he thought he was before Everything Began #and now that he isn't explicitly; persistently; urgently TOLD who he is....well. how can he know? what-who is he beyond what everyone needs #him to be? and when discovering that involves so much disentangling and examination of the self that he constantly distracts himself from #with travelling -- how can he hope to seriously answer it!#AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ANYTHING NEW i know i hammer in these points whenever i can but they are always so relevant!!#he has such a complicated relationship with his title as the hero of ti.me!!#ngl it is why i think he'd be a little hesitant to take up a name like 'time' with other li.nks #at his stage of navigating life it is less a celebration of his achievement(s) and more a reminder of this is all you are (will be)#(also for someone who feels like he's at once stuck in it and burdened by it...alsfkjd leaves a bad taste in his mouth)#'masks' is hardly better for him because it's almost accusatory with what literal and metaphorical masks he wears to hide the self #that even he hasn't looked at super closely.....ALL THAT TO SAY #kid's got Issues. and i'm very happy with this result!!#long tags cw #* intermission / queue.

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skinnymeanfaggot · 1 year ago

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also

#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats #just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind #i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence #he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged #with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive #always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell #accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this #and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little #affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do #the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i #fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty #even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck #either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that #anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there #i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack #in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing

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readymades2002 · 1 year ago

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something difficult about writing/storytelling but only in short disconnected bursts is that writing anything longform is very difficult. there isn't as much time to practice long-term character development or subtlety (implying character instead of immediately clarifying) when its not really meant to go anywhere but a notes app. its a little frustrating...i'd love to do something more longform though. i've considered maybe just doing some short writing scenes in my various original universes a lot recently mostly because i just havent had time to draw anything fancy recently </3 maybe that would be something...

#briefly talked about it with a coworker today bc i mentioned my brother makes music #and she got excited because she paints and she showed me some of her work (beautiful btw!!!)#and said she hopes he pursues music and doesnt get his heart crushed by retail like we do #we still make things but ive been thinking about it...it really is like #i feel like ive had less TIME to make things but ive also developed more interest in my own ideas #and in constructing them on their own terms. its hard to describe and even harder to share because its #not churning out fanart for a response i guess?#i dont know. i do feel more satisfied with what im planning but theres less to share #anyway i promised her i'd show her my art sometime so essentially i have to flee the country now #she does lovely work she paints pictures of pets and it seems so nice. she seems so happy with it!#its like...i love it. im a little jealous of it. i feel so much pressure to Do Something New with my art #try to craft scenes and settings (i think setting is such ann important part of storytelling but i have so much trouble drawing it!)#and try new compositions and poses and just not have everything look the same all the time #its led to a lot of work im proud of but its also hard to create under those expectations...#i wish i could find a niche and settle into it comfortably. i think fun character drawings could be that for me #but its...it frustrates me to post those because it feels like if its easy and i like doing it and how it turns out then im not trying #okay i think im done now. sorry for these rambling introspective posts lately lol im #trying to warm back up to posting so i can use this website again (despite how very very bad it is)...#i want to see my frieeeeeends <//////3 i want to be here without running away <///3

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