#everyone else had a happy ending and they got an emotional existential and identity crisis

[walkman-cat]

AOUGH

[mythicandco]

A Random Rant About Belos (Again)

I have a headache so instead of sleeping to make it go away I’m gonna drink some water and drink some TEARS

(Side note: Belos’ tears taste like pencil shavings and bird crap. Would not recommend.)

Anyways I’m just gonna ramble about the Edward/Philip/Belos/Hunter dynamic for a little while, including my own version of events (which is pretty much shared by eighty-five percent of the fandom) and some stuff that is so obvious but I want to talk about it so that I don’t have to think about it anymore. Why didn’t I just put this into a Google Doc-

Spoilers so everything is under the cut

For the sake of my sanity we’re calling the unnamed Wittebane brother Edward. Edward Carlos Wittebane. Why not, the TOH team can’t prove us wrong for another couple of months so we can do what we want.

Alright, lets start with the relationship between Hunter and Belos. It’s FUCKED UP, people. I am I firm supporter of the Philip = Belos theory (if you couldn’t already tell ;w;) and Hunter being a Grimwalker means that Belos had “the bone of ortet” (EDWARD’S BONES!!) ready for use. WHO KEEPS THEIR BROTHER’S BONES JUST LAYING AROUND?! I mean, Belos does, I guess. 

There is no doubt in my mind that Hunter is a Grimwalker. I will be seriously surprised if he doesn’t end up being one. (I’ll be surprised in a good way. But still very surprised.) His reddish-violet eyes, the check mark on the adolescent stage that Belos had in the book, it’s very unlikely he’s writing about a different Grimwalker (oh brain please no). The nose shape of the Grimwalker also matches Hunter’s, which I’m wondering is a coincidence given that Edward’s nose also just happens to be shaped like that. Makes me wonder if Hunter is the first Grimwalker (at least in a very long time), and those are Belos’ notes. It’s not impossible. 

Either way the way Belos treats Hunter is not okay. It’s practically unanimous that Belos is a terrible parental figure and is manipulating Hunter in one way or another. Personally I think that he’s mainly keeping Hunter alive for the Day of Unity, and doesn’t care about his feelings as long as he does what’s supposed to get done. Heck, Belos outright says that Hunter can be replaced! Even if he says it’d be a hassle. Still. He doesn’t feel guilty about abusing the poor kiddo and that’s why we see such deepset issues with Hunter’s character. 

However there does seem to be a tiny sprinkle of genuine emotions in Belos’ one not-outwardly-violent interaction with Hunter. Unless it’s all completely emotional manipulation and I’m just seeing stars. But while Belos does seem to have little care what happens to Hunter in the long run, he appears to have a slight fondness for the kid. He shares a brief story about the Human Realm, Hunter is the only person we’ve ever seen him take his mask off for, and I think he likes seeing Hunter happy, even if it’s near the bottom of his “Most Important Emperor Things” list. If his ultimate plan for Hunter isn’t “Have a Sacrifice for the Titan” or “Have a Host for the Titan”, then I imagine he’d like to see Hunter make it past the Day of Unity and rule at his side. 

What I’m wondering about is what leads Belos to be so terrible to Hunter, the literal CLONE of his brother who, as far as we can tell, he cared about and had a good relationship with? Who knows, maybe the TOH team with throw a huge wrench in our plans and make Edward an abusive brother or something, leading to Belos continuing that cycle by taking it out on Hunter (WHO HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL!!). When Hunter finds out, or smol depressed man is gonna have an existential identity crisis and we’re all going to cry. We know we are. Either way, just my thoughts on that big ol’ mess. Everyone in that family has ISSUES. (And insomnia. You’ve all seen Belos’ eye bags, right?)

Now moving onto Edward, Li’l Rascal, and Hunter. (I’m probably gonna call the palisman “Red” more than once, so don’t get confused by that.) If Rascal is the former palisman of Edward, then it makes me wonder how they got that scar over their left eye (wait who else has a scar on the left side of their face that’s right BELOS) (I mean there’s really only two sides of a face that you can put a scar on, but still). It’s possible they got it in the cave-in during the disastrous Titan’s blood mission, but it’s also possible that if we’re taking the abusive brother route that Edward himself inflicted those wounds. 

I’m not sure how that would make Red want to be Hunter’s palisman, but I guess it’s possible they sensed Hunter wasn’t as dangerous as he seems. I don’t have much else to say on this subject other than the idea that Rascal was probably gonna become Luz’s palisman until it spotted GG.

And finally an overlook of how Philip become Belos, because once again I believe in Philip is Belos supremacy--

Before continuing read this because it’s written and explained very well and covers a couple of the main options. I’ll wait. I don’t care how long you spend reading it, it’s worth it. 

Okay so now that you’ve read that, I’ve narrowed the options down to five. 

- Philip pulled a Science Man™ and either drank a potion or had a spell cast on himself so that he could preform magic without the use of glyphs or palismen. Since he’s human, he needs a source to take magic from, and that happens to be palismen. However the longer he goes on, the more “source magic” he needs, and 400+ years later he’s so degraded that he needs palismen just to stay stable, let alone preform magic. 

- Philip pulled a slightly different Science Man™ and got himself trapped between realms. Whether it was accidental or Edward or someone else deliberately staged it, that’s up to you, but one way or another the weird black in-between goo slowly erodes away at his human form and, once again, he needs palismen to stay stable. 

- Philip got himself cursed the good ol’ fashioned way! Either he angered a witch/demon or opened a magical box that was never supposed to be opened, or maybe the Collector was involved somehow, who knows (The writers know. The creators know. But they’ll never tell us.). The Collector could actually be applied to any of these scenarios with the right context, as seen here. 

- The Titan somehow fucked stuff up. I saw this theory floating around a little while ago and it doesn’t seem too unlikely that Belos is only doing what the Titan says so that it will leave him alone. Or maybe he believes that his affliction is the cost of communicating with the Titan, and it’s a price he has to pay in order to stay in power. 

- This is the most likely option: the writers sic a whole new idea at us and we love it. I have no idea what that could be, but I’m all up for new stuff I wasn’t expecting!

And thus concludes this almost TED-Talk, now if you don’t mind me I’m going to lay down for a little while and finish drinking my water. Good night/morning/afternoon/evening to you all. 

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | July 2020

Happy 28th! As always, my undying love goes out to all the amazing authors this fandom still has. You are all incredible! Thank you for sharing your work with us ♥ Here are all the 21 fics I read and enjoyed this month:

⋙ The Murmur of Yearning | MediaWhore | historical - no smut - arranged marriage past rape/non-con - implied/referenced dubious consent - minor character death - slow burn - 93k Four years ago, Harry Styles was forced into a marriage of convenience to enrich and ally both his and his promised's families. The sudden, and slightly suspicious, death of the Marquess of Haxshire, however, brings great disturbance to Crescentfield Hall and, as his late's husband's closest male relative, Harry unexpectedly finds himself the head of a family he never felt he belonged to. Between a meddling distant cousin hellbent on inserting himself in Harry’s life, his wicked and mistrustful mother-in-law and his late husband’s advisors refusing to help or take him seriously, Harry struggles in the fight to keep what he’s earned and make the Estate finally feel like home. Luckily he doesn’t stand completely alone and finds himself an unlikely ally in Mr Tomlinson, the elusive Land Stewart who has been taking care of the property in the shadows for years. Louis Tomlinson is caring, patient, and unlike everyone else, he doesn’t seem to think Harry committed a murder.

⋙ Donor-Conceived | jaerie | a/b/o - omega/omega - friends to lovers - intersex omegas - pregnancy kink - unplanned pregnancy - fertility issues - miscarriage mentioned - male lactation - lactation kink - 31k When Harry receives the worst news of his life, it's now or never if he wants to carry a child of his own. Without an alpha, it's a daunting idea. But after it's a go, he finds another omega having a child from the same donor and become fast friends. It is only logical that they raise the boys as half brothers, making sure their sons keep up the relationship with the only connection to their anonymous father. It seems like the perfect plan but life doesn't always work out that way.

⋙ Just a touch of your love | anonymous | a/b/o - touch-starved - past abuse - past rape/non-con - miscommunication - anxiety attacks - 12k “What if something happened to you? What would I say to Niall?” “Nothing, he would have to wait to see my corpse on the news like everyone else.” Deadpanned Harry. Louis’ gasp was all the answer he got. Ok, so that might have been a bit too much. With a calmer voice, he said, “It’s really fine. I’ve walked to the tube countless times, I can handle myself. Just go home and tell Niall to stop mothering me.” Louis was finally walking by his side and gave him a sideways glance before talking. “He doesn’t know, does he? Of your, uh, condition.” Harry tensed and his breath became erratic, but he didn’t say a word. Louis continued. “His nose probably hasn’t picked it up, and you’re lucky Liam’s also a beta, but it took me a minute to confirm it. Your scent is gettin’ so…” He seemed to struggle to find a word. He didn’t finish the sentence, but the emotion in his voice made Harry’s tummy churn. -- Or, Harry is a touch starved omega trying to get through it on his own. Louis happens to be the only alpha around to realize it and offers to help.

⋙ We're Not Who We Used To Be | jaerie | trans female character - trans Harry - childhood friends - friends with benefits - transitioning - gender dysphoria - body disphoria gender identity - first time - self-medicating - reference to depression - 7k Louis comes back to his childhood home and sees an old friend who has changed quite a lot since the last time they saw each other.

⋙ Sincerely, Yours | anon | strangers to lovers - military - 25k Prompt:Historical AU where Louis is a soldier on his way to first deployment and Harry is working at a diner. They meet there when Louis is waiting for the bus, Harry tries to cheer Louis up and agrees to write to him while he's deployed because Louis doesn't have anyone else to write to. People kinda make fun of Harry for writing to (and falling for) a virtual stranger but otherwise everything is great until Louis stops writing. AKA travelin' soldier by the Dixie Chicks but gay and with a happy ending.

⋙ Ever Since I Tried Your Way | anon | historical - 1940s - 1950s - farm/ranch - internalized homophobia - hurt/comfort - emotional hurt/comfort - fluff - smut - gender exploration - body worship - 26k Harry had been kissed before, but never like this. He’d shared sweet, curious kisses behind bleachers and in soda shop booths, one or two more daring ones in cars parked on dark suburban streets, but the girls he’d kissed had never filled him with the desperation that erupted from Louis’ touch. He parted his lips and pulled him closer, as though he could breathe Louis straight into his lungs, as if he could swallow him. He wanted to consume Louis the way he consumed the body and blood of Christ. He wanted to place Louis on his tongue and feel him dissolve into a frothy mess of starch and saliva. He wanted to gulp him down until his teeth were stained purple and he was drunk on him. He wanted him in some violent holy way that made his hands shake where they were twisted in Louis’ shirt. In 1949 Harry left his bride at the altar, running away from the only life he'd known. When a kindhearted farmer offers him a ride in his truck and a place to sleep the two find themselves inexplicably drawn together. Isolated on Louis' farm with nobody but a field of dairy cows to intrude, the men are finally able to explore the parts of themselves they've spent their lives hiding away.

⋙ sleeping on our problems | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - college/university - mpreg - friends with benefits - angst - slow burn - hurt/comfort - 67k I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down. There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

⋙ in a world alone | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - Swan Lake AU - historical - royalty - magic - curses - friends to lovers - slow burn - mpreg - 51k Harry’s breath catches as the glow grows bigger and bigger until he’s squinting his eyes and blinking at the sudden intense brightness. He closes his eyes, rubbing at them helplessly. When his eyes open again- he gasps, grip loosening on his bow as he gawks at the sight before him. Because the swan is gone. And in its place is the prettiest omega Harry has ever seen. - A Swan Lake AU

⋙ The Baby Whisperer | jacaranda_bloom | strangers to lovers - prior mpreg - neighbours - fluff - smut - kid fic - 19k Harry’s newborn baby is having trouble sleeping and nothing he does seems to work. Tired and alone and at his wits end, Harry is at a loss until a new neighbour arrives to turn his world upside down. OR the one where being neighbourly takes on a whole new meaning.

⋙ was in no hurry, had no worries | defencelouis | strangers to lovers - car accidents - smut - daddy kink - 21k The year is 1999 and Harry can’t stop dedicating songs to Louis on the radio. Or the one where Harry hits Louis with his car.

⋙ Strong Enough | jacaranda_bloom | enemies to lovers - exes to lovers - angst - smut - divorce - 21k “So…” Liam starts, and Louis instantly knows where this is going. He’s actually glad it’s Liam that's dragging the subject out from the shadows and into the light. Louis turns to face him, mirroring his position on the couch and nods, ready for him to continue. Liam takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Harry recently?” Five years after Vertigo goes on hiatus, the band comes back together for a benefit concert. Can Louis and Harry work through their complicated past, or are some wounds too deep to be healed?

⋙ What's It Gonna Be? | zeldasayre | high school - 37k Louis looked thoughtful for a moment. “When are you meeting with Clare again?” “Thursday,” Bebe said, looking over at him, the ice clinking in her glass as she stirred it with a long spoon. “Why?” He grinned, narrowing his eyes. He took a long, dramatic pause, sipping his lemonade, and then said, “Scheming.” aka I've watched Shura's "What's It Gonna Be?" music video one too many times. ((Or, Louis and Bebe, best friends since childhood, have crushes on two of the most popular kids in school, and in an attempt to increase their respective chances, Louis befriends Harry Styles, quarterback of the football team, while Bebe befriends Clare Uchima, head cheerleader. Only... the plan... doesn't go exactly as planned.))

⋙ There Goes My Life | anonymous | older larry - colleagues with benefits - mpreg - unplanned pregnancy - smut - lactation kink - 8k Metallic taste in the mouth, check. Aversions to favourite foods, check. Nausea without throwing up, check. A heightened sense of smell, check. Sore and sensitive nipples, check. It had felt as though Harry had been ticking off boxes from his own mental checklist and every new addition brought him closer to an existential crisis. Pregnant. Everything over the last few weeks began to make sense; thoughts he pushed from his mind because he was too busy, and to be honest too scared, to think about. Getting knocked up from a few-night’s-stand was something that happened to teenagers and/or uni students, but certainly not to a forty-year-old Member of Parliament such as himself. *** Or, the one where Harry is single, a Member of Parliament, gets knocked up and has to deal with navigating motherhood in his forties. And Louis? Well, his life is about to change forever as well. This is a tale about colleagues with benefits and the consequences that can come with that.

⋙ Mother I'd Like to * | anonymous | implied mpreg - MILF Harry - 4k “What’s up, dad?” Oliver asks Louis, standing in front of Harry in a way that hides his friends from the view. “Is there something wrong with your mom? Your friends are staring a lot.” Oliver goes beet red at that. He groans and hides his face on his hands. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” --------------------- Written for the prompt: Harry’s and Louis’ son is like 16, so he is hanging out with his friends and his friends are teasing him about how hot his mother (aka harry) is, just like the 1D boys always did with Harry about Anne. The son feels super uncomfortable and Louis is super confused why these little teenagers boys always stare at Harry’s body when he is cooking for them whenever they visit until he finds out they think of Harry as the hottest milf in town (more humor than actual sexual references pls, this is supposed to be more funny than awkwardly sexual :D)

⋙ An Invincible Summer | Brooklyn_Babylon | farm/ranch - historical - 1940s - period-typical homophobia - adoption - minor character death - epilepsy - homophobic language - smut - 44k Never content to stay in one place for long, a few months down south researching for his novel seemed like an idyllic, slow-paced summer to Louis. He wasn't ready for the blistering heat, the backbreaking work of watermelon picking, or how stifling the attitudes in rural Georgia would feel. And he definitely hadn’t anticipated falling in love with the farmer’s son. The summer of 1946 would turn out to be everything worth writing about.

⋙ a trail of honey through it all | faeriestyles | strangers to friends to lovers - mild violence - D/s undertones - 27k The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him. Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

⋙ The Recklessness in Water | LarryOn | light angst - smut - 50k Louis Tomlinson is miserable. He's stuck on a family vacation at a lake cabin in New Hampshire when all he wants to do is bemoan his sorry existence and wallow in his sweatpants. As if the humidity and mosquitos weren't bad enough, he becomes the singular target of an obnoxious lifeguard named Harry.

⋙ baby blue | soldouthaz | cowboy AU - famous/not famous - angst - hate to love - enemies to lovers - smut - hurt/comfort - minor violence - 39k Harry Styles takes his time coming out to greet them. Louis only knows what he’s seen on file and what he’s heard them talking about, but he fully lives up to the image he had inside of his head. He saunters down the front steps of the farmhouse in his Levi’s, brown snakeskin boots curving out from underneath the denim Louis’ sure he had specially made. He’s got on a plaid button-down tucked into the jeans because of course he does, curls spilling out from either side of his cowboy hat around his sunglasses and country-tan skin. “Harry Styles,” he drawls, extending a hand to Louis’ manager, “Pleased to meet ya’ll.”

⋙ with no way out and a long way down | we_are_the_same | royalty - soulmates - strangers to lovers - fluff - angst - no smut - emotional hurt/comfort arranged marriage - 31k Prince Harry is ten when he receives his soulmark.

⋙ adjudication | bottomlinsons | royalty - historical - enemies to friends to lovers - enemies to friends - love letters - betrayal - slow burn - light angst - arranged marriage - 75k Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years. But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

⋙ Something to Prove | trysomecats | a/b/o - enemies to lovers - mpreg - smut - 9k Louis is the first and only omega to work at Red Valley Medical Center. Despite being more than qualified, he still faces prejudice for his career choice everyday. From patients refusing his treatment to condescending alpha doctors intervening with his work, practicing medicine in Boston is more challenging than Louis had ever thought it would be.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Taking a little break from Monarch to write out some of my ideas for how Love Eater and Miracle Queen work out in the Lady Luck AU. I thought about waiting for Chat Blanc and Felix but oh well!

As the Lady Luck AU focuses on Chloé having the Ladybug Miraculous from the beginning and getting actual character development until she’s a decent person and leader of an entire team of Heroes, there is no subplot about her and the Bee Miraculous.

Other things in the AU involve the lack of a Love Square by this point(it was only a lopsided triangle to begin with, but Secret Identities have been tossed out the window), and the fact that Chloé’s parents are getting divorced as Audrey is a horrific person.

So naturally, the entire episode has to be rewritten. I have a couple ideas on how to do this, but one of the biggest ideas involves Senti!Bug, or rather, Senti!Luck sticking around a bit longer. So here we go!

After the events of the Episode ‘Ladybug’, the corresponding chapter being called ‘Lady Luck’, Senti!Luck accidentally is left existing.

This is due to a combination of the Peacock malfunctioning due to being damaged combined with the Miraculous Ladybug ability trying to ‘fix her back into existence’.

As she seems like a real person now that she’s not being puppeted by Mayura, and the fact that she doesn’t seem to have an Amok Item(I forget the technical term right now), they decide to treat her like a real person.

Before I go further, let’s discuss how ‘Sentient’ the ‘Sentimonsters’ are, along with ‘Is Senti!Luck a real person?’. And tbh, I’m going to use a computer AI metaphor.

Sentimonsters are like a program’s AI. You program them, give them enough learning capabilities and executive decision making abilities to let them do their job efficiently, but ultimately, they are just a tool.

Senti!Luck, is like this at first. Sure, she’s good at seeming like she has emotions, but she is following her Programming.

After she comes back with the Miraculous Ladybug, she is much more real, like a real person.

The crew decides to treat her as a real person, and tries to figure out how exactly to do that.

Since they’re still not entirely sure if she’s real or not, they don’t let her in on the secret identities.

Lady Luck drops her off at Chloé’s place and then later comes back as Chloé saying ‘oh Lady Luck trusts me to help you’.

Chloé even discusses it with her dad a little bit. She tells him that ‘Lady Luck trusted her to look after a friend’, and basically convinces him to pretend Senti!Luck is a distant cousin or something if asked.

Many things go into cementing Senti!Luck as a person. This all happens during what should be ‘Love Eater’.

One of the first things is a name. After all, they can’t keep calling her Senti!Luck. I’m choosing the name Astra Avalon.

Firstly, because when Senti!Bug happened in Canon, I got flashbacks to W.I.T.C.H. and Will’s Astral Drop.

Secondly, way back in the day when I was writing TOWCK, I was planning on giving Chloé a half-sister named Astra Avalon. Though at that time I had picked ‘Astra’ because I planned to make her an Akuma called ‘Star Maker’.

I’m going to call her Astra from now on in the post.

The next thing is honestly a bit of a make over

Despite being made to imitate Lady Luck, Astra doesn’t look like Chloé. There’s similarities, but between the mask and whatever Magic goes into keeping the identities, Mayura doesn’t know what Lady Luck looks like and just guessed as it would work well enough for the same reasons. Chloé and Astra could pass as related, but not identical twins.

However, they do want to minimize the chance of Hawkmoth and Mayura finding her.

This ends up being a drastic haircut and maybe a bit of hair dye, and a montage of Chloé digging through her closet and finding her an outfit.

The next order of business is seeing how smart Astra is and where to put her in school

Originally I was going to use Ms. Bustier for this, but… Kwami Buster made me switch it to Ms. Mendelieve. Maybe both work on it idk.

Anyway, they want to see what all she knows. Both in a ‘what grade level is her intelligence/learning ability?’ and in a ‘how well does she understand social norms?’ way.

They eventually figure out that she has pretty average intelligence for someone of Chloé’s age group, and a basic idea of how to act in society, but a weird blank in her knowledge on things like common phrases or popular media. It’s not a big thing, but it’s something a little noticeable.

Overall, they agree that Astra could be put in Chloé’s class, but will need some support in social interaction. Since most of the class are Heroes and know about all this, they’re all willing to chip in. Adrien is already planning a movie marathon to catch her up on things.

Cue montage of Astra loving life and being alive

The class is very friendly and understanding, and she’s enough of a blank slate that she can get along with all of them fairly well.

She’s hella curious since even if she has an understanding of things, she doesn’t quite ‘get it’ until she does it herself.

From music to food to tv shows, it’s all new experiences and she enjoys all of them with a hell of a lot of enthusiasm.

Where everything goes wrong is a combo of Lila being a fuck and Astra having a breakdown over the standard ‘oh god I’m not a real person’ thing.

Lila figures out that Astra is Senti!Luck.

As a liar herself, Lila is good at figuring out other people’s lies. She realizes something is up with Astra due to how many lies everyone else is spinning about her, and eventually finds out.

While the info is filed away for the next time Hawkmoth Akumatizes her, Lila decides to confront Astra and threaten her.

Basically, it’s a ‘you help me, and I won’t tell everyone you’re a Sentimonster!’.

Said help would be things like turning against Chloé and friends, getting any dirt Lila could use against them, backing up Lila’s lies, etc.

When Astra refuses, Lila gets all ‘come on, they might be friendly now, but what do you think will happen when they find out what you really are? Our so-called Heroes didn’t even want you around! Just dumped you on some brat with enough resources to keep you alive’.

Cue existential crisis

I mean that literally. Astra begins to question how ‘real’ she is. And to make the AI comparison again, it’s the ‘Sure I feel things, but do I really feel them or am I Programmed to?’ thing.

She also panics over the fact that Lila might be right. As far as Astra knows, only Chloé really knows that she’s just a Sentimonster. The rest of the class has been nice and friendly, but would they do the same if they knew that she wasn’t even Human? Just a Magic Construct that happens to imitate Humanity enough.

I guess it’s a little similar to the Robustus situation, but tbh there’s also the added in ‘Sentimonsters are something evil’ thing added in.

Of course this is enough for Hawkmoth to Akumatize her.

Due to the nature of Astra’s Akumatization, Hawkmoth now knows that she’s Senti!Luck

That’s bad for a few reasons.

I’m debating on Astra’s Akuma form.

Miracle Queen is still an option, being able to control Miraculous holders.

Star Maker though, I could bring her back. Star Maker has the power to create fighters out of Constellations. Think kinda like the Ursa Major/Ursa Minor from MLP. She could use the Zodiac against the Zodiac!

Eventually Miracle Queen/Star Maker is defeated.

Astra is still upset, but the Heroes decide to tell her the secret identities. They didn’t abandon her, and the ‘normal civilians’ she’d been befriending knew what she was the whole time.

She’s still a little sad that they didn’t trust her in the first place, but they explain that even if they trust her, they weren’t sure how much influence Mayura still had over her.

But Mayura had made another Sentimonster during the fight and wasn’t able to control Astra like she did with Feast.

As for what happens to Astra after, I’m not sure. I’ll have to see what happens in Season 4. Unfortunately.

Maybe she stays. After all, she’s a real person now and Hawkmoth can’t control her more than he can control anyone else.

On the other hand, he still might try something with her, so it might be better to send her away. Like the ‘My uncle lives about an hour away from the city and he can take her in’ kind of way.

Either way she is safe and happy!

As for the plot with Master Fu and the Miracle Box…

Lady Luck doesn’t have to go to him all the time because all the Heroes are permanent, so Hawkmoth wouldn’t be able to reliably make a plan that would let him follow her to the Guardian.

And even if he was just waiting and hoping she would, Astra is the only Akuma this time, so it would happen after she’s Akumatized.

Maybe Lady Luck tries to add a new Hero. Maybe Master Fu himself slips up.

Actually, so far I’m thinking that no one slips up.

Master Fu sees how far the Team has come, and especially how far Chloé has come as their leader.

He realizes that they really don’t need him anymore. The only time anyone really comes to him about something other than handing out more Miraculous is either training Chloé as the new Guardian, or Mylene visiting(Something she does so that Master Fu can still talk with Wayzz, since he misses his friend.)

And honestly, with the training there’s very little he can teach that isn’t either clearly outlined in the Book of Miraculous Bullshittery, or things she’d need to learn through experience.

So Master Fu decides to retire.

While he names Chloé as the new Guardian, she does say ‘this is a hell of a lot of responsibility for one person, so the whole team is getting part of this’. Basically creating their own Order of Guardians, in a way.

Since he’s retiring and not ‘giving up Guardianship as a last resort’, the memory wipe thing doesn’t happen.

Instead, he meets up with his girl(I forgot her name like an asshole, sorry), and they leave the country.

Chloé still has his number, just in case he’s really needed, but for the most part he’s still hella gone.

So, again, I might change some things depending on Felix and Chat Blanc, but for now…. >:3c

[mszegedy]

mszegedy 2.0

Since forever, I’ve had fantasies about how I would rebuild my mind if I got my hands on it. These fantasies were often trans (make my mind “female”, whatever that means), furry (replace most of my mind with a fox’s), and filled with internalized homophobia and acephobia (make it so that I’m both romantically and sexually attracted to men).

But more than anything, I wanted a narrative like this: the new being, mszegedy 2.0, is okay with who she is. She might have a lot of issues to process; like having my memories, but not my identity; like being very different from everybody else, because she thinks like a fox instead of a human, so she is scared of everyone, and is bad at caring about people, and relates to the world primarily through smell. But when it comes down to it, she doesn’t want to change, and fights for people to recognize who she is and what her needs are. She accepts her past, and where she came from, and is proud of who she is. She ends up “living her best life.”

It was an improvement over me, in a lot of ways. I imagined mszegedy 2.0 understanding me as a person, and talking to the distressed people who knew me and were sad that I was gone: “mszegedy was a mind that wanted to destroy itself, to change, to evolve. She would never be happy the way she is. She had a goal in mind, and she reached it by becoming me. If you think she’d be happier being herself than being me, you’re not imagining her correctly. She wanted this.”

That is to say, I felt that my defining characteristic was not wanting to be myself. I’d take any amount of other issues, and I’d take identity death, but once you gave me self-acceptance, I’d reached my destination. In fact, having other issues was preferable; maybe it was more interesting, or it just reflected me better. But I never imagined mszegedy 2.0 without serious problems finding her place in the world.

Recently, I got sent to the psych ward, and got put on antidepressants for the first time. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought maybe it would take away my lifelong problems with depression and suicidal ideation, and I’d become someone who’s okay with herself. That is, an mszegedy 2.0. But it didn’t. I felt like I was in as much danger of committing suicide as ever. I tried to focus on my future, and how I’d marry my girlfriend one day and we’d live in a little house with a lot of gardens and be really happy together. And it almost worked. Incrementally, I changed, feeling less and less at risk of killing myself. But still a vast, vast ways off of self-acceptance and self-love.

I never got to find out how that would have progressed, because my girlfriend broke up with me. The looming threat of my suicide was, understandably, too much for her. It’s one thing to face suicidal ideation as a familiar enemy, one you’ve fought for your whole life, who won’t surprise you. It’s another thing to feel like a loved one of yours is under attack by an evil force entirely invisible to you, which might kill her at any moment.

Shortly thereafter, after a bit of a hard time, whether by coincidence or not, it felt as if an extra piece of my mind fell into place. Or woke up. One that had been missing for maybe six months. A piece that loved me, and wanted to protect me, and would never let any harm come to me. When I’d last seen it, it had provided me courage and optimism, but it didn’t feel like it protected me from myself. It just meant that I got things done, and could take a beating or two. But this time, whether because of the recent revelation that I had DID-spectrum dissociative issues, because of the antidepressants, or simply because I was having a bad time, it took complete responsibility for me. Death was no longer an option. Self-harm wasn’t, either. We were gonna make it. We were our own person.

While this was great news for my safety, it played havoc with my already tenuous sense of identity. A confusing, disorientating time followed. We tried to pin down just how much each of us could remember, and in either case, it wasn’t much. If one of us tried to trace the thread of our memories back from the present, she was lucky if it went all the way to the morning.

Over the course of my life, I’d spent a lot of time meditating on what my issues with amnesia meant for my identity. I decided, at some point, that I was not my memories, and it didn’t matter if I could remember anything about my life at all. I decided that the parts of me that were important to me were my beliefs and goals, and the way I related to other people. As long as I felt that there was continuity in my sense of self, I was okay with forgetting anything and everything else.

But now I’d lost track of my sense of self. Who was I, then, really? Where did the things that I’d decided were part of me come from? Could I rely on future me to do what I would do? It seems like with the way my life is currently built, my life goals have always been extremely consistent and specific, since I was a little kid. Where did that consistency come from? Was it an illusion?

This existential crisis culminated with me locking myself in my office for five hours last Thursday, while shaking and not remembering who I am. I texted my friend-slash-adopted-second-mom, and we had a long conversation about… something, I don’t really remember which parts were important anymore. Eventually I got better, and did a lot of reading on who I was. (I’ve written a lot of notes about random things I was thinking of over the course of my life. Once, I even wrote an autobiography, in which I admitted that I didn’t remember most of my life and the autobiography was very incomplete. I now don’t remember most of the things the autobiography talks about, either.)

Since then, I’ve been involuntarily swinging back and forth between someone who’s bright and full of energy, hope, and happiness; and a nameless panicked being who just can’t deal with the fact that she has a face, and memories, and an identity. But that’s just an emotional state. The important bits, my goals and beliefs, my general attitude towards the fact that I’m alive are (once again?) cemented in place. By my own standard, I remain the same person, with one important difference: I actually want to be that person. I want to be me, and I’m proud of being me. I don’t want to commit suicide, or to harm myself, or to change the structure of my mind. I want to just be.

So, I’m not sure how, but I actually got what I wanted. I have serious issues tying my current identity to my past identity. I sometimes can’t deal with the world, and have to go lie down for a bit. I’m weird and forgetful and a lot of the ways in which I relate to the world just baffle neurotypical people (thanks, autism). And I’m okay with it. I finally don’t want to change, except in the way in which people usually do, by learning new things, becoming better people, and acquiring new interests and memories. And that makes me mszegedy 2.0. I’ve won.

[fluxanddragons]

Recently got round to playing and completing Dragon Age 2. I went into this knowing nothing about the game and almost instantly loved Anders. (I played the introduction a few times to get a feel for the mechanics and the classes)

So there I was a Snarky rogue helping Anders in any way I could I felt sorry for him and empathised with the whole getting possessed to help others thing. It was an opportunity to actually save lives. (He also is a cat person, which is nice)

Maybe because of films, games, and History I took Templar's to be bad people, So killing them seemed like the right thing to do. Add that to Bethany and Anders talking about the circle and the Templar's the more I sided with them. Ser Thrask and Emeric helped make them seem human and not just Over Zealous Bastards. This Eventually lead me to play as someone who believed that the circle wasn’t inherently bad just very flawed and, wherever possible, I would try to compromise.

And Even as more and more instances of Blood Magic occurred I felt that the mages felt they needed to resort to the forbidden schools just to be free. During an Act of Mercy I sided with the mages but only distracted the Templar. Even as the acts of blood magic got worse I didn’t falter in my resolve. I kept going middle ground all the way.

Then I was in the Quest all that remains and after finding out Leandra was missing I actually got scared. (As mentioned previously I started some characters to get used to each class and pick a favourite in that time so I played Birthright for each class. This meant I felt that I had a connection with her) As we followed the blood trails I had the same tone as Hawke, Utter Terror. But Even as I completed All That Remains I was almost in tears I actually stopped to collect myself. But this was the act of one man. A pathetic man focused on his past. I didn’t let it taint my view of magic.

Of course there were comforting scenes from Anders and Aveline and a less comforting but accurate portrayal of grief by Gamlen. Which helped and I continued the game.

Then Act 3 came around and boy was it difficult there was the Blood magic, Working for Meredith, The Mood Whiplash with the Emile just trying to have fun then the poverty stricken woman just trying to feed children and the power hungry Elf. In fact All of ACT 3 felt like an emotional roller-coaster there was hardly time to stop it just seemed to be a non-stop punch-down by emotions.

The there was Anders Quest Justice. I was feeling hopeful. Anders had seemed like had come down to Earth and become more rational especially when he said he wanted to separate from Justice. So I happily helped collect ingredients and was curious what he needed from the Chantry, Though I thought he was collecting something special from Elthina’s office. I loved his new coat being a fan of Black myself. Then there’s the scene with Anders and Varric, I thought it odd but in hindsight it was obvious why he was doing it’s just he seemed so content and happy with our romance and while disgruntled I would never have thought Suicidal. What makes this heart-breaking is have experienced what Anders was doing with Varric myself and have been in the same emotional state, sans spirit, myself. So the fact I missed it completely is...just...I don’t know.

And of course the Climax the heated  argument between Orisino and Meredith made me think I would need to start being a diplomat for them that Elthina maybe able to help. And then Anders started monologing to everyone and starts glowing and Then the Earthshaking explosion, The Complete and utter portrayal and the hands of the man I Love it shook me to my core. I felt my stomach sink the realisation of what I had helped him do it was crushing. Then the killing of all mages whilst Anders just sat there.

And despite this I couldn’t kill him. I know what he did was wrong But I couldn’t do it. I lost my Father before the Game My Brother to an Ogre My Sister to the Grey Wardens and my mother to Magic I couldn’t lose Anders too I couldn’t.

This Game was by far the best/worst game I have ever played.

The only reason it is the worst is how emotional taxing it was, with no information or foreknowledge and romancing a terrorist It caused a minor existential crisis I lost my own Identity when I spared Anders. Everything he did was wrong and for almost the right reasons. It hurt and I felt betrayed and lost.

On the other hand this game was amazing in every sense. The Romance the Gradual build to each climax, Especially the last one. It felt natural Growing tensions between Everyone and the Qunari and Mages and Templar. The fact that we couldn’t save Leandra or stop civil war was a well executed change to the invulnerable hero who Always Saves The Day It made Hawke Human, The emotions of the characters The Grief they show. Even Male Hawke gets scared and sad. The scene with Leandra dying was well written and believable the numbness shown by Hawke at the Estate was very relatable. When someone you care about dies the world feels wrong as if you’re living someone else’s life you’re floating in void. I feel Bioware created a good sense that, that was what Hawke felt. And No compromises was hard, having to pick a side, a lesser of two evils where both end up killing everyone. Like choosing between six rotten apples or half a dozen apples full of worms and maggots.

TL:DR “Dammit Anders”

[terminator855]

Nier Automata Review

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

In terms of media gamers have seen a lot and as such there are only two possible ways a game can leave a lasting impact which earns the title "Great Game: The first one is to refine a concept to it´s limit and reaching such a level of perfection that has not been seen before so it can move the heart of the gamer who decided to spend his time with this piece of software despite not seeing something new and different. While this form of fun is as real as any emotion, it lacks the element of surprise. A human is curious and always wants to experience something new, something that he has never seen before... Something which changes him as much as he changes the game NIER:AUTOMATA™ is exactly this kind of videogame that went beyond the typical ideas and is more than just any game. While not defining the genre of Hack and Slash it may can achieve something greater: Redefining videogaming in terms of storytelling

Background

The name Yoko Taro is not something new to persons who hold a great interest in videogames and he is responsible for the - storywise - well received Drakengard series which is so complex that elaborating anything is completely useless. Despite his well written stories his games never had greater commercial success which is quite understandable as there was a lack of substance: The gameplay sucked. Harsh words, but to quote Reggie Fils-Aimé; If it's not fun, why bother? On the other hand we got Platinum Games an even more well known studio that specialised in the Hack and Slash genre to such a level that the gameplay, atmosphere and music could not fail anymore, but it lacked skill in terms of writing engaging stories. Together these two juggernauts in the gaming landscape were destined for an outstanding product beyond any expectation. And this product is NIER:AUTOMATA™.

Story

The story is a rollercoaster and uses the New Game Plus mechanic in a new engaging way: The player needs to complete two marginal different playthroughs to unlock a third playthrough which brings one to the true ending. Every playthrough features an already known character and tells the story from it´s point of view and while this concept seems old, no game before it had done it in such a magnitude while also centering the whole game around this relatively simple concept. 9S, A2 and 2B ar[E] the protagonists of this game and everyone of them has an individual personality which evolves over the course of the game. The mainstory is so convoluted yet still so logical within itself that I am not trying to give you (dear reader) more than an abriged version: 1. Aliens came to earth and war happened 2. Humans built androids to defend them 3. Aliens built robots to fight androids 3.5 A living nuke fought robots for around [REDACTED] years after being sad 4. B2 and 9S also fight robots 5. [Naked Sephiroth (2)] The sidequests are also more than noteworthy as they are more than your typical fetch quest, but yes: There are fetch quests. Still they manage to be more than that as they are always trying to give the player insight into a philosophical concept: the worth of life, the idea of a sacrifice or even an existential crisis. This is the first time I regretted doing them sometimes, because action have consequences one can not foresee.

Gameplay

A good story is like a sceleton: Without meat to you can´t give a heads up. And the meat of every videogame is the gameplay. It is a Hack and Slash which also features railway shooter. I really can´t say that much: You can attack, make flashy combos, jump and block. Only 9S is somewhat special as there is the mechanic of hacking which is REALLY relevant for the game and plays like an Arcade Shooter. On the one hand the pure combat is really polished on the other hand everything else is alright but not as polished. This sounds pretty bad, but you have to keep in mind that this is nitpicking, it just lacks in comparsion of everything else: If you compare „Zelda Breath of the Wild“ to „Twilight Princess“, you will experience a difference in terms of quality despite both being well made games.

Graphics

In terms of visuals this game is straight up beautiful by combining anime esque style with halfway realistic movements. One of my favourite activities was just to roam around, explore and see the beauty that this game harbors. Every place has it´s own identity which is supported with love to details such as the different state of decaying building which depends on the used material.

Music

10/10 Music has the possibility to enchance a scene, add emotions or atmosphere. NIER:AUTOMATA™ has a different approach: The music resonates with the feelings of the player to enchance the personal connection to the happening while also dragging one into the rabbid hole until you start to shiver, cry or laugh. Life is a sweet poison and the OST transcends the game so much that listening to it without knowing the game still may have an effect despite lacking context. Keiichi Okabe and Keigo Hoashi brought their A-games and I can not stress enough the quality of the final product.

Problems

The port from the PS4 has been made poorly and is only really playable with the FAR Mod which is luckily free to download. Yet still Square Enix denies to update in such a way that your average computer doesn´t blow up. This really drags down the quality and my feelings towards buying an slaughtered product.

Conclusion

NIER:AUTOMATA™ is an absoute masterpiece and should be played by everyone who is remotely interested in a unique Hack and Slash -game. What is happiness? Difficult to say, but I know I had this emotion while playing this game. Or did I? Will you?

[breatheinthesea]

Truth, set me free

If you’re reading this right now, I assume you’re coming from my video or you just happen to be among the few thousand who still follow this account- 

either way, and regardless of if you know me personally or not, I just have to start off by saying thank you. A genuine thank you- one that could make me cry just thinking about. I know anyone who couldn’t give a rats ass about me or my life wouldn’t be here, so by default, I’m guessing (secretly hoping) the rest of you do. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I know it’s long as hell and will take up some of your minutes here on earth, and that’s important to me, that you chose to be here rather than anywhere else. I want it to be like we’re sitting on the bed talking like best friends do when they really need to open up about something that’s been hurting them, even if I’m a complete stranger or just another “youtuber” to you. And speaking of best friends, I haven’t really fully opened up to mine about what’s been going on, so if you’re reading, I’m sorry for being so distant this past year and a half, and I hope this blog post helps everyone and anyone in whatever way it can. It will surely be helping me.

So, where to begin? is the question I am haunted by every time I think about actually writing this blog post. I begin obsessing over the starting point and then never end up starting, which can be so utterly frustrating. I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head, it’s hard enough to grab onto one, let alone place it in the perfect sequence. While writing used to ease my mind, now I am just overwhelmed by the never-ending options of words to use, opportunities to make run-on sentences, and ways to say everything I wish I would’ve said differently. I over-analyze every sentence, read it over and over and have to convince myself not to delete it. So as you can imagine, I’ve avoided any kind of writing lately- journaling, blogging, texting friends and emailing companies back, etc… You get the idea. Basically, something I used to love has turned into a struggle, something I avoid like the plague. And my mentioning this is to make a comparison of what my life’s turned into- something I used to love and now completely struggle to manage on a daily basis.

If you happened to sit through my agonizingly long video titled “Where Have I Been?”, then you’re probably already familiar with the fact that I’ve struggled with mental illness for a while now. If you didn’t watch it, and don’t want to, I basically explained that in the beginning of 2015, I began losing myself. I started questioning my religion that I had put my entire identity into, thus launching me into an identity and existential crisis, which I couldn’t really recognize at the time and surely didn’t know how to process. I felt extreme guilt, shame, and self-hatred for not being the person I thought I was for so many years, and who others expected me to be. I only confided in very few people, and they all told me to just keep praying and trying to mend my relationship with God, and when that didn’t work, I felt obligated to wear a mask of certainty to compensate for how terrified I was of actually admitting I didn’t know what I believed. It was exhausting and painful to keep up that facade, especially being so formerly open and confident about it online.

Now that I’ve spent the time analyzing exactly what happened and asking myself “where did it all go wrong?”, I’ve discovered the questioning and doubting actually began in 2013. I just couldn’t handle it anymore after two years of feeling like a fake, a sinner, a liar, and a person who was surely going to hell if I had died. And as it goes, those internalized emotions that I had been bottling up for years eventually manifested into harming myself in a desperate attempt to get the people around me to realize I was not okay. And it worked. I got the attention I desired, and it quickly turned into an obsession that I had not prepared myself for at all. I always believed I was in control of it, but just like with any addiction, it soon took control over me. I was powerless to the urges and addicted to the rush. I started cutting on February 7th, 2015 and didn’t stop until October 5th- 3 trips to the ER, 25 stitches, and 4 days in a psych ward later. It was the worst time of my life, and I was sure I had hit rock bottom.

Nope haha.

After months of therapy, I thought things were starting to look up. I moved out of my apartment that encased those terrible memories, and planned to start completely fresh. I was determined to get happy again. I began embracing the unknown and started aligning my actions with my morals. I discovered veganism and realized what I had been missing my entire life. I started smoking marijuana again after 5 years of demonizing it, which in turn helped keep me away from the heavy drinking which was a major trigger for my self-harm (I finally quit after cutting through a nerve that made me lose feeling in half my forearm.) I moved into an even bigger apartment, started dating someone who thought like I did, and spent all my time and energy trying to control and perfect every aspect of my life to make up for the years I felt I had wasted. I made my beauty room white and sparkly like everyone else’s, bought a better camera, new lighting, a monitor, a green screen, a new microphone, etc… and once everything was perfect in my eyes, I vowed to my subscribers that I was back, that “2016 would be my bitch”.

Nope again haha.

I still felt empty. I still wasn’t satisfied. I was still filling a void. While I attempted to make everything around me perfect, I just felt more and more imperfect. Thoughts of being incompetent, a failure, not good enough, and a waste of talent were all I could focus on. Filming gave me anxiety like I had never experienced before, and I was never satisfied with any video I tried to produce. My heart was simply no longer in it because the perfectionism I acquired inhibited any form of enjoyment that I formerly got from creating youtube videos. And this shattered me, because I had no plan B. I had no college degree to fall back on, no other passions, this was it for me. So I pushed on, and tried my best, but fell short over and over. The shame of not feeling capable of doing a job I used to be in love with, and that others would kill for and find incredibly easy, weighed on me every day like a ton of bricks. I watched other youtuber’s execute videos so flawlessly and passionately and instead of getting inspired, I became crippled with envy and decided I could never be as talented, as professional, as funny, as naturally beautiful as them, and this was so disheartening coming from a person who used to make videos called “how to be confident”. I realized that while I had recognized that I lost myself somewhere along the way, I never truly found myself, and still haven’t. I got swept up in my own depression, leaning solely on my boyfriend to make me happy, and we all know that doesn’t and cannot work for the benefit of both people in a relationship. I became attached, overly dependent, extremely jealous and it only caused more pain. I had so much negative energy, it was like carrying a cloud around me where anyone who came close would just suffocate with me.

Of course, I didn’t want to feel this way, and I noticed the only time I felt okay with myself was when I was high. So I stayed high. My addictive personality leached onto this plant like it was my new savior. I couldn’t stand being sober, because it revealed how miserable I was inside. I wasn’t willing or simply didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and it got worse and worse as I continued to self-medicate and ignore the root cause of my depression and anxiety for months. I tried medication after medication and the up’s and downs from those side effects were truly unbearable at times. There were weeks where I didn’t enjoy anything or even recognize myself. My favorite foods didn’t appeal to me and all I wanted to do was sleep where I finally felt safe in a dream. I remember listening to music and there wasn’t a single song that made me feel anything. Nothing. It’s like I was a robot, just a body with no soul inside. I remember walking into my mom’s house one day and not recognizing her face. I remember getting my skirt altered for my best friend’s wedding and I was just staring out the window thinking “I’m not real. None of this is real.” I often felt like I was tripping and had to have someone convince me I was a real person, in a real world. My perception of reality would become so distorted. It sent me into panic, I would have severe episodes of rage and confusion and no one would know what to do about it or how to help me. This happened multiple times a week for a period of time. This is the type of shit that convinces people to kill themselves because they lose any attachment to themselves or outer world. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced, and partially why I’ve sworn against anti-depressants and mood stabilizers for a while.

My life felt like it was falling apart, and well, it pretty much was. My income was decreasing at an alarming rate due to the fact that I was barely filming videos and terminated all contracts with any companies that tested on animals (all of them). I spent my money so carelessly because I never imagined that with this job I could ever fall back into debt. I was financially stable for so many years and expected that to be the case for a long time, but I was very wrong. The last month of living in my apartment I had to ask another Youtuber to loan me money to pay my rent, which was incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me, but thank god for kind and generous friends. I moved back into my moms house in October and my depression, anxiety and manic episodes continued full force.

I’m getting anxious at this point, biting my cuticles like a mad man trying to make sure my story comes across accurately. I’ve been putting this off for so long that now I just want it done and over with so I can move forward. But I don’t want to forget anything, or not include the important details of what’s been happening. But then again, I’m in control of this, and I think I just need to hurry it up. So, long story short, things got even worse once I moved home, which I didn’t think was possible. I was still smoking every day, my relationship with my mom was turning very ugly with almost every conversation ending in “fuck you” instead of “I love you.” I barely left my room and was sleeping more than any normal person should. My rage was at an all time high. We found a different psychiatrist to do some intensive testing on me, and after 4 hours of questioning, it was revealed to me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This was relieving and shocking all at the same time. I didn’t know what that “disorder” was when I first found out, but once I researched more, I realized I definitely acquired it somewhere along the way, and this was somewhat good news because now we at least had some direction to go in as far as treating it.

I started therapy again but it just wasn’t enough. I was still an emotional roller coaster every day, with no ambition to help myself and still completely reliant on marijuana to mellow me out. Everything overwhelmed me, everything scared me, and nothing was good enough. I would just stare at my walls and genuinely want to be dead. I was consumed by negative thoughts, and felt there was no way out. That’s when I decided to go to treatment.

I’ve been in treatment since January 25th. I go to a psychiatric facility every single day for 7 hours, and will for another month. We focus on DBT therapy and so far I’ve seen some improvement. I no longer have the manic episodes, and I’m learning how to control my anger in healthier ways. I’ve been sober for 67 days and will remain so for the duration of my treatment. I’ve met some pretty amazing people there, and just the structure and routine of it has been something I’ve needed for a long time. I don’t consider it a “cure” and my mental illnesses are something I will have to battle for a long, long time. Maybe even the rest of my life. But I can see the light now when for months all I saw was darkness. I’ve started reading books again and have fallen in love with learning and expanding the horizons of my mind. I’ve realized that nothing is the same as it was and nothing should ever be the same as it was. I am constantly growing and constantly becoming. I know now that I had a very abrupt spiritual awakening when I couldn’t yet comprehend that I was wakening, and it has proven to be the most important challenge in my life thus far, and for that, I am grateful.

As far as Youtube goes, all I can say is I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have shit to say and minds to reach. I am working day in and day out to overcome my perfectionism and anxiety so I can return to Youtube as the absolute best version of myself. It will take time. It will take patience on both ends. I have to re-learn how to love myself and I’m sure some of you can relate to that. But I’m just so fucking thankful the universe gave me this job and this platform that I get to come back to when I feel ready. I know not everyone has agreed or understood why I can’t just film myself putting on makeup, but I hope this blog post has helped you realize why. When you get an illness, you take time off of work. When you get a mental illness, you should 100% do the same. It was me against myself the entire time. I don’t know exactly when, but I stopped loving myself and it crushed my spirit, crushed everything I had ever loved, including Youtube. And don’t get me started on the overwhelming amounts of guilt for not using my platform to spread the vegan message. That’s a whole other story.

Meditation, DBT skills, books, and TED talks are about the only things keeping me sane right now. I’ve had to accept the fact that I’m a work in progress and I hope everyone else can too. We’re all struggling with something. Life is fucking hard. But I’ve survived my darkest days and know that the only direction I can go from here is up and that is exciting. But I am still scuffling for stability, especially financially. I know it’s been obvious with the sporadic sponsored videos but for right now, that is just the reality of it. I need money to stay afloat just like you do, and I’m trying my best to stay true to myself in the process, but it has been very compromising. I’m still trying to figure this all out. And I appreciate those of you who are understanding and defend my integrity in those situations where it is questioned. I get it, though, and I’m going to make it up to you. It is my goal to return to my channel as a new evolved being, with a passion for makeup artistry and MANY other things. I am completely open for suggestions when it comes to future content, but I won’t be reading comments for a while until I know I can handle it. My friends and family will be reporting back to me with requests and constructive criticism so we can still stay connected.

I can’t believe I’m about to end this post when I never thought I’d see it come to completion. What a weight it was to carry. I feel so relieved and so happy to have gotten this off my chest and into the abyss of the universe. I cannot predict what this will mean or what it will do for someone, but my hope is that it is a catalyst for support, love, and positive endeavors moving forward. I will not return to social media if I cannot do it wholeheartedly. I must be unapologetically myself as I am still learning who that is, so it will be interesting haha. For the first time in a while, I am excited for the future. I hope y’all are too. Thank you immensely for your unconditional support and friendship. Despite everything, I know I am very blessed.

Thank you for reading. 

“Transformation isn't sweet or bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A complete uprooting before becoming.” 

[drblackgaard]

Characters to Whom I Relate

(tagged by @echoofmidnight over a year ago to do this, finally doing it, now with 100% less ending prepositions in the title)

In which Devon probably definitely massively overshares about his problems

unlike the original I’ll actually add a brief(?) explanation and not just their name and photo. one might also notice some overlap between this list and character’s I’ve cosplayed, for obvious reasons.

im tagging @messed-up-polkadots @moss-effect @duchashka @writingpikachu @tanosoka

Ryugazaki Rei (Free! Iwatobi Swim Club)

This will probably be the only long one? When I was first tagged in this post, Rei was probably the first character that came to my mind. I love all my Free boys so dearly, but Rei is my least favourite out of the Iwatobi boys, which makes it interesting that he tops this list so definitively. (This list contains lots of characters considered the “smart one” (roughly 10/13 on the list, arguably). That is not the primary reason that I picked any of them, just for reference.) When I first watched Season 1 of Free!, I was at the very beginning of my first year away from home (2nd year of post-secondary). Like Victoria and I literally started watching the show while my family was dropping me off in Vancouver. My social situation/mental health situation was really not great in high school, especially not as a combination. I felt like Rei’s struggles of s1 captured my experience bizarrely well. Not the learning to swim, but Rei was faced with this social situation where he awkwardly entered into a pre-formed social circle where he was the only one without this shared history. As time goes on, he increasingly realizes that he’s the outsider, not just in skill, but in years and years of shared experiences, and as everyone talks about their issues concerning Rin, Rei’s increasingly confronted with the fact that he doesn’t belong in this circle of friends like any of the others do. He’s an outsider looking in, always 4 steps behind what’s going on, and no one’s ever bothered to fill him in on the things that have happened. When the finale rolls around, and Rin has the chance to swim the relay with Rei’s team; the team that he’s trained with and built up all this work for, Rei makes the huge sacrifice play and sits this incredible moment out, isolating himself so that his friends can hang out with their other friend and he can watch from the sideline. This whole situation was very much like my social situation in late high school, but more depressing in general, more acquaintancey than in Free, but the finale really got to me, and I could immediately think of so many times that I’d bit the bullet and had to sit out on participating or make sacrifices that really hurt to help people spend their time with their Rin’s instead of with me, because I know that they’d much rather do that than be around me. Rei’s story was really emotional for me in s1, and I probably resented it to a degree for that, but it was nothing if not relatable. Also, Rei’s real gay. Ok, now for shorter things(?)

Nanase Haruka (Free! Iwatobi Swim Club)

There’s definitely something to be said that Haru is half of my all-time main OTP and Makoto is my #1 fictional husband and the whole thing where your ships say a lot about what you relate to/are looking for in relationships and what a big part Free! was of me coming to terms with being gay and all of this is extremely highly interconnected. The main point I want to make on this one, though, is Haru’s relationship with his talent. The very first episode opens with a monologue about how Haru wishes that people would stop putting him on a pedestal. He’s the only sports anime protagonist I’ve seen who despises competing in the sport the show’s about. [continuous grumbling about the s2 finale and haru’s arc’s ending but hey tokyo makoharu is enough for me to be happy with]. Haru is exceedingly talented at swimming, yes, but he doesn’t want to do it for a living; doesn’t want it to be about the numbers and the competition. Obviously this was much more a thing in s2. Haru’s very talented in so many other areas: all forms of art, cooking, he’s consistently in the first class of his grade throughout middle and high school. It’s clear to me in s2 that he just wants people to remember that he actually has other talents, so many other career options besides professional swimming, which is why he gets so upset when even Makoto of all people broaches swimming first as what he should be looking at for the future. I am very smart, plainly put. I hate embellishing my gifts but the point is that I’ve always been put on a pedestal for being years beyond my age in academic and emotional intelligence. After a point, you really wish that people would remember that you have any other skills or talents whatsoever. I knew that I didn’t want to build my identity on my brains, and tried to push so hard to get people to recognize more parts of who I am, but it’s still usually overshadowed by my brain. Being a Christian in a close Christian community social-wise, I’m very frequently in situations of mutual encouragement, compliments, and such, and every time that someone identifies my smarts as my peak characteristic, I die just a little bit inside. Once at a youth leader’s retreat with some of the closest friends I had (very relatively speaking), we were given someone else’s name and had to pick a single word to describe that person. I was expecting something intellectual as always, and received the word “loyalty” as a singular concept I represented to her, and I think it might still be the most lasting compliment that’s stuck in my head, now 6-ish years later. That one was also really long, but it dovetails nicely into the next one. Oh, and Haru’s also very gay, and in love with Tachibana Makoto. Very relatable.

Eugene Meltsner (Adventures in Odyssey)

Obviously I really like Adventure in Odyssey. It’s my #1 fandom, Victoria and I run a relatively popular fan podcast for it, and we just listen to it a whole lot. When people ask who my favourite AIO character is, which happens frequently, they usually assume Eugene, because he’s smart and I’m smart [which is annoying to me, re: above]. They are actually correct about the character, but wrong about the reason. The reasons Eugene’s my fave are actually mostly unrelated to why he’s included here, but the above point does connect well to Haru’s spiel. Likewise, that spiel connects well with Eugene’s insecurity regarding his mind. I said above that I try hard not to build my identity on my intellect, but obviously there are times that that effort has failed me. Coming to UBC was a big part of that. In my teeny hometown, I stood out greatly in high school. I graduated with about a 97% average, 2nd highest in my grad class, bilingual diploma, and almost double the minimum credits I needed because of all my extra-curriculars. I was fluent in 2 languages and excelled at 2 instruments. My last math teacher said I was tied for the smartest student he’d ever taught. First year of college was at home, did alright, then I came to UBC. For reference, the university has about 8 times more undergrads than the population of my hometown. I quickly realized that I was not the smart one anymore, just another one of the crowd. I made friends with people whose intelligence casually dwarfed my own by orders of magnitude. I didn’t have an existential crisis or anything, since I’d already tried to proactively guard myself against that kind of false life foundation, but insecurities are always there to creep in. I often think of Eugene in Truth, Trivia, & ‘Trina. One of Eugene’s arcs in that episode (which was obviously in many others as well), was getting over his compulsive need to prove his worth through his intelligence, of understanding he had value without needing to info dump on everyone all the time. For Eugene, it obviously had deep rooting in his relationship with Leonard and the ways that was left unresolved for Eugene after his parents’ disappearance, but that’s another dissertation for another podcast episode. The point is, while I recognized this fact in theory, I’ve always had a lot of trouble internalizing it. I know my worth comes from who I am in God, not on my own talents, but that doesn’t stop me from compulsively seeking validation through my brains or my humour or literally anything else I can possibly do to receive affirmation from others. Also Eugene loves neologisms and beautiful, convoluted sentences and I can really get behind that.

Evan Hansen (Dear Evan Hansen)

I finally watched this musical for the first time less than a week ago and yeah, I feel like I’ve probably covered most of the reasons that connect me to Evan Hansen. high school: I was extremely alone, very depressed, frequently suicidal, and, more often than not, constructing elaborate fictional scenarios in my head wherein I had deep, intimate friendships with the people around me. I didn’t take it as far as Evan, and also was gay for Connor in this analogy. They can’t all be perfectly relatable.

Adrian Hlaváček (Always Raining Here)

This is where the list becomes a lot more loose lists of character trains. Adrian is: A Hot Mess™, really real gay, had that one crush that messed him up for so long bc you always fall for the straight ones and hope against hope it will impossibly work out and it obviously doesn’t and then you end up like the picture below, loves to sing, all about that Musical Theatre Life, seems like the innocent and pure one but then it turns out Oh you actually have a lot of emotional baggage that’s messing up your relationships in all sorts of unexpected ways, smart, lives in Vancouver, etc.

Wirt (Over the Garden Wall)

Wirt is: Anxiety+, poetry and concert band, the biggest nerd??, long walks through the forest, the older brother who will do whatever it takes to help his lil sibling, really stubborn, maybe never, maybe he’ll never give this up.

Amy Santiago (Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

Amy is: lover of reading, lover of Jake Peralta, cares so much about organization and protocol and actually enjoys filing and alphabetizing things, has a serious problem about putting people in leadership roles on pedestals where you just really want to be validated and mentored and spend time with them and maybe you just need to take a chill pill somethings and diversify your investment in people, super passionate about justice and doing the right thing

Jemma Simmons (Agents of SHIELD)

Jemma is: a biologist, really deeply truly fascinated by all sorts of sciency things and doesn’t really get when maybe that cadaver is a little morbid to others because LOOK it’s so cool! look at how that alien parasite burrowed into the brain like that why are you all turning green? what do you mean this isn’t a conversation for the dinner table?, would die for Peggy Carter also, mom friend, steadfast friend and a lot tougher than you realize until backed up against a wall, just such a huge nerd it’s incredible

Jake English (Homestuck)

Jake is: a dork, says the most outlandishly old-fashioned euphemisms completely unironically that no one else has said for 73 years, frequently has no emotional awareness as to his surroundings, just utterly oblivious at all times, very not straight, indiscriminate taste in most media

Ryan Haywood (Achievement Hunter)

Ryan is: (not actually a character but whatever), the “smart one” of the group but he actually basically never knows what he’s talking about and is usually just saying words vaguely related to the topic he knows and no one else realizes it, very doting friend, not here for any of your “wow look at that man and woman who are friends clearly they must be doing a romance there is literally no other option” nonsense, terrible diet, so much more of a nerd that he lets on 99% of the time, switches from really dark to really genuinely caring to really over-the-top at the drop of a hat, the theatre guy

Ben Wyatt (Parks and Recreation)

Ben is: Depressed+, really into so many different things, gets annoyed at people who act like mainstream fandom is anything other than mainstream culture at this point, it’s not a niche nerd thing anymore, sorry big bang theory, enormous romantic softie, puts a lot of thought into everything he does, likes terrible math puns, will correct your incorrect details about his fandoms. he wasn’t going to say anything, but actually it’ll bug him if he doesn’t. he’s not pretentious or a prick about it, he just cares a lot about a lot of things.

Marius Pontmercy (Les Misérables)

Marius is: literally me in our grade 12 production of Les Mis, and Lena you brought this curse upon me that I’m continually more and more like Marius how did you trap me like this? it’s awful. Marius is actually the Worst™ and here I am; my soul eternally bound to this fate. Marius is just the biggest mess in all of fiction, continually, every day of his life, and every post I read about his awful shenanigans in the book is too accurate to my life and I hate it. Ex: everything on this post

Carlos the Scientist (Welcome to Night Vale)

Carlos is the other one on this list I’ve cosplayed. To quote my sister when I told her I was doing it, “You ARE the gay handsome scientist man”. Carlos is quite literally me. A flamboyant brown scientist with impeccable hair who wears his lab coat far more than is professionally necessary and just really loves science a lot.

[lemonela]

This Is How It Gets Better

This is a story of how it gets better. This is about overcoming years of manipulation and emotional abuse. This is about breaking free from a persona I've created of myself. This is about being myself, embracing myself, and knowing my self-worth. This is my story of self-love.

Chapter 1: This Isn't Even Me For the most part, I didn't really like high school. The two years I regret the most are Grade 8 and 9, because there hadn't been a more significant time where I was not myself. It was a typical 'new kid trying to fit in' situation, and I surprisingly managed to feel like I did blend in with everyone else. It was also the first time I felt popular and I'm almost 100% sure that was the only motivation that kept me going with this outward masked identity for two years. I was everything I knew I wasn't. I followed trends, I managed to get a boyfriend (which literally surprised everyone including myself), I must've been outgoing (considering all the people I met), I woke up earlier than I do for most of my classes now just to straighten (though I like to use the word 'damage') my precious curly hair that I love so much... *sigh* the list goes on. Everything just felt so wrong and at some point, I just wanted to drop the role and be myself. Chapter 2: Unloved, Mistrusted, Broken The thing is that there were so many other things going on as well. This drastic change from being this quiet, shy, and innocent girl I was known to be in elementary school to who I became once I entered high school (whom I don't even know how to describe) had shook everyone, and suddenly, my world had flipped. So many questions raised from myself and others. From 'Who am I? Why am I doing this again?' to 'Where are you going anyway? What are you doing?' What hurts the most is that the biggest assumptions came from loved ones, and eventually, I started believing that I was no more than labels. Labels such as 'slut', 'no future', 'wasted life', 'stupid', 'dumb', 'disgrace of a daughter,' etc. I was not trusted, I felt extremely unloved, and after two years of emotional abuse, it broke me to the point where I became suicidal. The monster in this story was everyone against me. It took me and ate up all of the love and respect I ever had for myself. Chapter 3: Existential Crisis Along with external battles, the most significant ones happen within ourselves. Not only was I having to deal with the environment around me, I was already breaking beforehand on the inside. I never realized that I didn't like what I was doing, yet I did it anyway. It became a battle between my mind and my heart. My mind was telling me that I needed to fit it, and my heart was telling me to drop the act. Looking back, I never thought I'd get my first existential crisis (that I was aware of) at 14/15-years-old.  I was going through so much stuff all at once. First off, I kept questioning why exactly I was receiving harsh treatment from my loved ones, as well as why I wasn't being myself at school. 'Have I not always been a good person? What have I done to receive this kind of treatment? What will it take for this nightmare to end? Am I really what they think I am?' -- Lindsey, of course not. Chapter 4: Solitude & Healing At the end of Grade 9, I had an epiphany as I was watching other performers at a dance competition. I decided that I have had enough of mistreatment that I did not deserve and I was exhausted of not being my true self to those around me and myself. I threw away the idea of 'fitting in' and replaced it with a new project. Another great change within was going to happen, but this time, it was only for me.  In Grade 10, I spent a lot of time by myself, because I was figuring stuff out, as well as keeping quiet out of fear for worse situations. Physically speaking, I had stopped damaging my hair with heat and I started dressing the way I wanted to dress. Inside, I was still broken, sad, and angry, as I was recovering from trauma that had not fully stopped, but had calmed down. It's hard to recover from people who hurt you when you live with them, and even harder when there isn't accountability from the perpetrator(s). Despite the bad experiences, I lived with hope in my heart that I would one day heal and my life would get better. Chapter 5: Take Back What You Said Now that I think more about it, 16-year-old Lindsey was my 'angst-teen' era. Despite becoming very attached to the Catholic faith at the time, I was ironically judgemental towards those who did not have faith in God, or who claimed they did, but still continued doing bad things. I wanted to prove to my family that they got it all wrong, almost that I had adapted their own judgements, but it was obviously done in a very unhealthy way. Bashing others and their life choices didn't make me look or feel any better. I was being negative towards others and myself, when what I needed was optimism, hope, and love. After a year of hateful attitude towards basically my whole grade, I took a step back and decided that I should stop this unhealthy 'I'm better than you' comparison habit that I had developed in order to cope with the trauma of misconstrued labels placed upon me. The journey of self-love doesn't develop when you're comparing yourself to others. It starts when you start taking responsibility for your actions and start making better decisions on how you want to live your life. Chapter 6: Be What You Believe In After having my second existential crisis, most things went uphill from there on out. I discovered role models that I could look up to, drowned myself in positivity and self-help books, and most importantly, I started to regain love and respect for myself. The depressing feelings that I had were slowly, but surely making their way out. More than three years after the start of my trauma, 2015 was a whirlwind of obstacles (read This Is My Story for more details) and I wasn't fully stable from what I've been through from the past. Aside from it being a difficult year, it was also very empowering. My trip to France that year was a huge highlight. I fell in love with the country because of the feelings it gave me. It had given me new perspectives -- the notion that there are so many places to explore in the world, that there are so many people out there to meet, and that life can be so beautiful and worth living if you choose to make it that way. It was also the year I created Livin'Lin which was a project I've been wanting to do for years, and look where its brought me. Look where I've brought myself! Chapter 7: Hi, I'm Lindsey, aka Livin'Lin, aka That Girl In The Yellow Jacket You know how everyone has a story to tell? That one story that has shaped them into being who they are now? What you've just read is that story for me. For that reason alone, despite my past self going through the lowest of times, it's for those experiences that I overcame which remind me of how strong I really am. Most days, I am proud of who I am and I am so thankful to be here. If I hadn't decided to be myself, I wouldn't have found some of the best and closest friends I have now. If I hadn't decided to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to be my little brother's role model. If I hadn't decided to take a stand against false labels and home bullies, I would not have been the outspoken, shameless, and badass woman I am now.

If you've made it this far, thank you. This story means so much to me. MENTAL HEALTH NOTE:

If you're wondering why I've decided to share this story, it's because it empowers me to open up about experiences I could not talk about before. With such traumatic experiences, it's no doubt that the healing process will be lengthy and full of surprises. In fact, I didn't even realize I was being emotionally abused until I saw a Buzzfeed video last year on the subject that still brings me to tears whenever I watch it. I used to think about abuse as physical abuse, but later on, I found out that abuse can also destroy you mentally. I also didn't realize I was being manipulated by someone until a few weeks ago when I was having another introspective moment at night, wondering more of the why in my creation of false self-image in my early teens.  This story still causes me to break down when I talk about it (oh man, I bawled my eyes out when I was writing the first three chapters that I had to take a walk), but I've gotten a lot better at controlling myself. The summer of 2015, I went to my family doctor and told her that I may be depressed because of what I had been through. At the time, I was very scared of labels like that, fearing that despite my hard work in becoming better, I was actually a mess. I started telling her My Story and burst into tears; resulting in me not being able to finish it. My diagnosis was social anxiety, PTSD, and situational depression. For a long time, I've been quiet about what has happened to me, because it brings back (mostly) terrible memories. I endured being severely anxious to speak to loved ones, out of fear that what ever I was going to say was going to be misconstrued and turned against me. I was scared for a long time, so what ever growth I was going through, I kept to myself.  From the birth of Livin'Lin to now, I've opened up so much towards myself, my friends, my classmates, my family, and whoever reads my words online. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that what ever she is experiencing, she will get through it, because she is so much stronger than what others think of her. She is a warrior and she can get through anything life throws at her. I want her to know that even though she didn't receive the love she needed, she found it within herself. And when she discovered that love, she would share it with the world to inspire others, bring happiness into their lives, and hope that they also discover their full potential. To my readers, to the countless strangers who have sent me long messages that weren't necessary, not a day goes by that I'm head-over-heels thankful that I made all of the decisions I've made so far in my life. I dreamed of having my voice heard for a long time and because of me creating this blog, my voice was heard, and now, I only want to create an even bigger impact. Remember that you're the one in control of your own life and you have all of this power inside of you to do some good in this world. Even if you haven't found it, believe that you will. -- You are loved, you are so important, and you are so special -- the world is just waiting for you to share your soul with them. Love, always Lindsey xoxo

[capicide]

Old habits die hard

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written in this page. I might have gotten an email at some point which was a sad plea from tumblr to me to log back in and I just avoided it. I don’t know why. Perhaps partly because I was focused on learning French that I was trying to unlearn English or rather unlearn thinking in English and start learning in French. Partly because I was too busy dealing with immigration and work and other stuff that I did not have time to write stuff down. And partly because I thought I did not have any stories to tell or more things about which to vent. 

But those are all excuses. The real reason is that I am scared of writing anything anymore. But why? Well, so you asked my old sick mind, let me tell you by first saying a very famous expression: old habits die hard.

What does that expression mean really? On the surface is what you do for a long time will be hard to forget. If you are a smoker, it will be hard for you to go cold turkey. If you are addicted to your phone, it will be hard to stop. So, basically what I understand from the expression is that you cannot let go of something you have a habit of doing or in other words, something to which you are addicted. But I think there is a deeper meaning to it. I think what it really means is change comes at self discovery and since self discovery is rare, thus change is rare. A habit does not have to be something so external such as smoking or working out or using the phone. It can be something internal. Also, an action has become a “habit” by doing it over and over again because it feels good to do it over and over again. So, old habits die hard is saying it is extremely difficult to let go of something which makes you feel very good. In order to do it, you have got to be wise enough to recognize the repetitive act (again external or internal) and be strong enough to kill them. This is the key! The word die. It means you have kill doing which makes you feel good. And why would you do this? Because you want to change. So, old habits die hard means it is extremely difficult to kill your old self and become something new.

I know it sounds like bullshit but hey that is how my mind works. It starts from processing something very innocuous such as a desire to write a stupid blog in tumblr, it then brings a thousand reasons not to do it, finds the reason which is the existential threat one such as “if I write something bad on tumblr then it means I am not a good write and why would I be a good writer when I don’t read as much and write as much and so the one thing I thought I was good at, is actually not meant for me so what else do I have left and since I know the answer is nothing, then I am wasting air by breathing it and should just stop! Oh god, I don’t want to kill myself so I better not write anything!”

That series of nonsensical string of words is actually how my undeniably sick mind works and it is something I can’t get rid of. I can’t kill it and it is something which actually makes me feel good about myself so I enjoy doing it every now and then. It makes me retain a mystery about myself and also creates a drama starring me which I enjoy immensely. It keeps me safe and warm and so it is hard for me to fight it and kill it. Hence, old habits die hard! 

So, my old habit, is the self destructive thoughts I have which are not leaving me any time soon. Things are relatively going well for me but I hesitate to feel comfortable and be content. Firstly, because I don’t think I deserve anything good happening to me and for me. Secondly, because I think sooner or later, all of these good things will fall apart and will cause me immense pain and suffering, the kind that will be too hard for me to bare and would probably make me take the last step and write the ending of my story. So, I decide to feel bad right now and experience pain and suffering that I inflict on myself (physically and emotionally) to keep me vigilant and to make sure I am ready for the big stuff. Ergo (I think I have run out of “So”s, prepare for a Therefore very soon) I chastise myself every so often and stop myself from any kind of self expression which might be helpful such as venting out confused feelings on a tumblr page. Let’s face it. Writing shit down here is super easy and should not give anyone an existential crisis. But I do it to myself to prepare myself for the future. As bad as I make myself feel, the fact that I do it and that I remember to hit myself with emotional lashes like a sadist, makes me feel good. Makes me feel ready. I am the drill sergeant and the private as the same person. If I see the private smile, I humiliate him harshly and make him do 200 push-ups (of course I mean emotionally, what do you think?). As the private, as much as it is hard for me to do 200 push-ups, I understand these overbearing trails will make me stronger for what lies ahead. Therefore (see?) I am ultimately happy while being miserable at the moment. 

But as I said from the beginning, this is an old habit. It is just something that I still do.I don’t know the reason for it. Is it from my childhood or adulthood or is it from a bad experience like Sweden? The truth is I don’t know. Perhaps Sweden and what happened to me over there had a lot of impact on me. I received the news that I had to leave the country just when I thought things were going well for me and I was content. So (again a “so”, goddamn it!) I decided not be too relaxed at any point in the future. And never ever think that I am worth something. I suck at everything. I fail at everything. I am still alone and will always be alone. I am still clueless about life and will always be clueless. I am lousy at writing and doing it on a blog is not going to change it and it will just reinforce that belief. I should just stay put and wait for good old death to come finish me off because I am too much of a coward of bringing it myself and would probably fail at it if I tried. 

This is what happens in my mind whenever I want to try something and it is not good. It is a habit that makes me feel safe but it actually makes me isolated from the world. Being safe does not mean being alienated from everything and everyone including yourself. Being safe means being integrated, being comfortable with who you are, trying different things while you still have the chance. Being safe means changing all the time and finding new habits. But again it needs to be said, old habits die hard. I cannot get rid of the voices that are coming from the drill sergeant and I am not sure killing it is a good idea. It is a part of me. It is a piece of my identity. I cannot kill it and I cannot deny it existing. Perhaps, old habits die hard means changing by adding another layer to yourself and performing a gradual change. Perhaps, the saying is a cautionary tale instead of an acknowledgment out of frustration. It is telling us that it is extremely difficult to forget who you are and doing a 180 on yourself. Instead, just accept all parts of you. The parts which want to nourish you and make you happy AND the parts which want to destroy you AND the parts which want to isolate you. You can want to kill yourself and live a full life at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Some people don’t feel like they have to kill themselves and that is okay. It is also okay to think it. Denying it will only make it bigger. Therefore, it is okay to smile, be happy, be content with how life is going while also acknowledging it could all go wrong one day. I think that is what gives us strength and makes us keep going and write stupid blogs despite thinking simultaneously it is a pointless or that we are not strong enough to do anything challenging and we are not good enough to even write a stupid blog. 

So, therefore, ergo, whatever I decided to write this blog and I will decide to be happy for a few days. After all, it is Christmas and 2020 is upon us and it means I made it to this year not without catastrophes and failure but in spite of them. And that is something to be happy about!