#everyone assumes i don't do emotions or relationships so i guess i won't

[silvertonedwords]

Not me with 11,000 words of Mary and Matthew from Downton Abbey that I wrote mostly in the last two weeks...I don't know why they've decided to move back into my brain, but they have. I'm still working on Together too, I promise.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an oblivious MC

~ In case you're wondering how I understand this situation so well, it's because I share in MC's level of obliviousness :') For headcanon purposes, MC and M6 do not progress past the "friend" stage until the M6 confess - brainrot ~

Julian

Oh goodness, he's never been so genuinely confused in his life. He's absolutely, completely, entirely lost

He knows that he tends to come across a little strong. He knows that he couldn't hide his attractions to people if he tried. He knows that he's a shameless flirt

So HOW on EARTH are you somehow so convinced that he feels nothing more for you than for a friend? Has the sun started rising in the West? Has gravity stopped working?? Is he turning blonde???

Constantly second guessing himself because of it. Maybe this is your way of letting him know that you're not interested

Maybe you find him so completely unattractive that nothing he does can come across as remotely romantic? Is that it???

Everyone who watches this dynamic play out thinks it's the funniest thing they've ever seen (Asra and Mazelinka especially)

The infamously suave Dr Devorak, fumbling and blushing after someone who looks way too innocent to be receiving the comments that he's making

On a more serious note, your obliviousness pushes him to think through his romantic actions, which makes all of his efforts at wooing you much more intentional

Confesses because he doesn't know what else to do and is genuinely surprised when you tell him you feel the same way

So excited once you're together to find out what it's like when you decide to flirt with him. Now that you two are on the same page everything you initiate makes him swoon

Asra

Ouch

The things they've lived through and sacrificed for you were not done with any kind of reward in mind - they genuinely just wanted to give you a second chance

But you're growing stronger every day now, and soon you might be able to handle the truth, and you're somehow so indifferent to him

On the other hand, they're secretly relieved because it means that if they slip up and show you more affection than they intend to you won't notice

Poor Faust tries to step in and help at one point, but she can't use that many words at a time which is useless where you're concerned

Love Master? "Aww, Faust loves you, Asra!" No! Master! Love Friend! "Oh, you meant that you love me, Faust? I love you too!"

Asra watches the whole thing play out in disbelief, hands in his hair, because it's more cuteness than his heart can handle and he wants to be the one you're saying that to so badly it hurts

Eventually assumes that you're playing dumb and confesses to get rid of the elephant in the room, is surprised when you're surprised by it

Doubly shocked and delighted when you say "I love you" right back

They have literal years of pent up emotion to let out and now that all the cards are on the table it's like a dam has burst (be prepared)

He's determined to teach you how to read the signs of seduction so you never run into this situation again

Nadia

Is this some kind of sick joke? Do you not know that she is not the type of woman to be trifled with?

Almost instantly recognizes that you're truly that oblivious, has absolutely no idea how to get her point across any more obviously

Nothing seems to be working. Not the touches, not the praise, not the gifts, nothing. You keep interpreting them as signs of closeness (which, technically, they are) and don't see any of the romance!

Does briefly wonder if this is your version of gentle rejection

Maybe you're hoping that if you accept the relationship without acknowledging the interest then that's all she'll offer you

But no, she's not stupid

She sees the way you look at her, the way you get flustered around her, the way she makes you fumble. She knows there's some level of attraction there, she just has no idea how to tap into it

She finally confesses once she's as sure as she can be that it won't be unwelcome

Relieved but unsurprised when you tell her you like her back

Will grill you relentlessly afterwards on how you missed the signs

The clothes? What did you think she was doing? The bath? What did you think she was doing? The romantically charged praise? What did you think she meant? She loves you so much, now please explain!

Now that she knows that you know, she has a lot of flirting to catch up on

You're about to be a constantly flustered mess for the next few weeks at least

Muriel

So relieved, he's thanking his lucky stars that your insightfulness has a blind spot when it comes to his attraction to you

He likes to do things at his own pace. If you're not aware of and responding to his feelings, that gives him space to process them and decide what to do

That said, how is it possible for someone to be this blind?

Morga has noticed and she keeps looking at both of you with increasing levels of pity, concern, disbelief, and annoyance

Don't get him started on how hard Inanna is laughing

And the worst part is - it's still anxiety inducing, because he's never 100% certain that his next slip-up won't be the thing that clues you in to his emotional state

He's living on pins and needles, and he's even tempted to try doing something actually flirtatious just to see how far your blindness goes

He compliments you one time, and nearly buckles with relief when your response is just "Oh, thank you Muriel."

He's not oblivious the same way you are, though, and he can tell that you're interested in him

It's what gives him the courage to confess. That and Inanna's, Morga's and Khamgalai's constant judgemental looks

Very proud of the shocked and delighted reaction he gets from you

He got so comfortable going unnoticed that now he malfunctions every time you notice him adoring you and take that as an invitation to flirt

Portia

Is this a challenge? She thinks this just might be a challenge

Or at least, it's her cue to not hold back

She's going to flirt with you relentlessly, obviously, in every genre she knows how to, until she finds out what your obliviousness threshold is

For science, of course, and also because she thinks you're hot

Physical touch? She's putting her arm around your waist to steer you through the crowd. Acts of service? Stand back, that's her forte. Affirmation? She can quote pages of compliments

Quality time? Spend the afternoon in her cottage! Gift giving? Here, she snuck so much food out of the Palace kitchen to share

More delighted than disappointed at your blindness, it's more opportunities for mischief and a good story to look back on

Does her best to see how interested you are in her, just in case. She doesn't want to find out that you were actually ignoring her all this time and that her actions made you feel uncomfortable or disrespected

Orchestrates a few heated moments that tell her the flush on your face is out of interest and not embarrassment

Confesses to you because she got tired of waiting and is impatient to start dating already. Unsurprised when you confess back

Very surprised by what it's like to have you respond in kind when she flirts with you

She used to say way more suggestive things to you, this is all it takes to get a kiss??

Lucio

Oh no, he is not used to this kind of neutrality at all

Floating around Vesuvia for three years made it pretty clear to him how the people close to him really felt. It was all fawning and flattery to his face and manipulation and politics behind closed doors

Everybody wants something. Everybody will spring at a chance to exploit. Hell, that's how he's used to functioning himself

But you're just ... helping him? Without expecting anything in return?

One moment, you compliment him, so it must mean you adore him

The next moment, you're confronting him about his mistakes, so that must mean you despise him

And now he's flirting with you because you're hot and it's like everything goes in one ear and out the other!

He's so frustrated but he can't even begin to get mad because oh look at that, you're being kind to him again while he's vulnerable

Multiple private freakouts when you keep missing his signals. Watching you snooze on his shoulder was just the beginning of it

He'll never forget it, marveling at the trust you must have to sit next to your enemy while his sword is drawn, fast asleep and oblivious to the way the first human touch in years is making his heart pound

Finally confesses to you out of desperate honesty. He's going to be a new man now, and he's not going to fake it around you

Borderline panics when you say it back

Get ready, he's been craving more of that physical touch and he intends to indulge

[imtrashraccoon]

I have a…. Request?

I dunno, what would your ideas be for a dragon nm, like he turns into a dragon and has horns and stuff.

(MAKE HIM PETTABLE PLEASE)

Wow, I guess some of you really like dragons? I don't blame you cause I like them too lol. I assume you were asking in general and not necessarily about the recent Dragon AU for The Dark Fortress?

Dragon Nightmare Headcanons

Every couple of centuries, Nightmare gets bored of doing dragon things like pillaging the countryside, napping on his horde, fending off foolish adventurers, etc. When this happens, he likes to disguise himself and walk among mortals as one of them. Sometimes he looks like a human and other times he chooses to appear as a monster or beast.

Usually, he prefers forms that are regarded as conventionally attractive and where he can look important, such as a wealthy traveller. Although, he has on occasion decided to take on the form of an outcast from society, such as a beggar. Because of these experiences, he is well aware of the stark differences in how appearance plays into how people perceive you. He despises those who take advantage of their positions of power to step on the less fortunate, but he isn't one to go out of his way to call them out.

Well, that's what he likes to think.

On occasion, he's met a few individuals that stood out from the rest of the mortals. Maybe they were so persistent to be friends that he couldn't say no or maybe he found it in his cold, dark soul to help them. He does have a lot of gold after all and if that won't work, he's a powerful ancient dragon for crying out loud! So what if a pesky politician goes missing? They didn't deserve to live if they were going to treat people like that.

One of the issues with essentially being immortal is that he'll outlive everyone else. He tries not to get attached for this reason but sometimes he can't help falling for someone. He treasures the memory of each individual and he has a space in his horde dedicated to personal items from them. Most of the relationships he's had with mortals were platonic, although romantic relationships are possible if the person is extraordinarily special as he doesn't like letting people see his deepest emotions or secrets.

If you've been seeing the same mysterious stranger around town for a while, maybe show him some hospitality? Kindness is the easiest way into his soul, with possessing unusual skills a close second. He'd be rather touched if you made something specifically for him, especially if it took a long time to make like baked goods, although he also enjoys meat dishes.

You could also impress him with knowledge or proficiency with a weapon. If you're also a fan of riddles or manage to trick him, he would pay more attention to you. There isn't much that he doesn't know considering how long he's been alive but not every mortal knows about the obscure parts of history or how old weapons are best wielded.

You probably won't see his true form for a very long time as he doesn't want to ruin your friendship by scaring you. It's possible that you could witness him in his dragon form and not recognize him as the mysterious stranger. If he realized that you saw him, well, I suppose he's not going to finish raiding this town since he doesn't want you to get hurt.

When he trusts that you won't hate him or be terrified of his dragon form, he'll willingly show you what he really is. It certainly explains how he was able to give you expensive gifts! It probably also explains some of his more concerning behaviours...

He tends to act...possessive of you. People you thought were your friends start avoiding you and if anyone starts to pay attention to you, he gets irritated. If they're lucky, he'll just convince them to never talk to you again, but if not, well, he is a dragon...

He's only looking out for his favourite mortal. He doesn't want to upset you of course, but those people don't have your best interests at heart and he just wants you to be happy. If you notice that he's doing this behind your back and alienating you from your friends and family, it would be best to call him out on it. The last thing he wants to do is make you upset with him, so nipping these behaviours in the bud before they become a problem is a must.

He isn't above taking you away from your troubles after all.

On the topic of his true form, if you somehow find him cute or even attractive, he'll think you're joking at first. Although, once he realizes that you're being completely genuine, he's rather flustered. He's an ancient dragon who's laid waste to countless civilizations and killed thousands! His appearance alone has struck fear in the hearts of kings and yet you find him cute?! No! You may not "pet" him! He is not a mangy mutt nor is he soft!

If you insist on petting his head or back, he'll eventually relent, if just to prove his point and get you to shut up. Just don't touch his wings or his tail...and be careful around his eyes...

...

He didn't tell you to stop... No, it's not because he likes being pet. Your fingers are just a lot more nimble and are good at getting in the grooves of his scales that he can't reach, that's all...

You will end up in a cuddle pile later now that the barrier of touch has been breached and don't expect to be allowed to leave any time soon, especially because dragons are known to take long naps...

[gayerthanevertbh]

runaway “bride” | i want you pt. 8

natasha romanoff masterlist | series masterlist | navigation

pairings: older!natasha romanoff x young!fem reader

summary: your father doesn’t know it yet, but you’re in love with his best friend. and what makes it better is that you’re sure enough that she feels the same way. the sad part is, neither of you can word out your love for each other properly.

warnings: sensitive topics (abortion), fighting (like tons), heavily detailed angst, scared reader, slight attraction, and more - MINORS DNI.

notes: good luck xx :)

NATASHA'S POV:

I've always found that drinking and smoking go well together. It causes me to lose track of my true emotions. As if I'm in a different dimension where no one knows how I feel or what I want. Moreover, I never imagined I would be so hurt in my life when Y/n acknowledged that she wanted to abort our child. I was completely unable to bear the excruciating pain she inflicted on me. Therefore, a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes were my companions when I returned home while Y/n was away.

"You're drinking again."

Turning over my shoulder, Steve was leaning against the door with his hair ruffled everywhere on his head. I assumed that he went out today to grab a drink with his friends, causing him to look like that. I smiled wearily at him, knowing that I got his daughter pregnant.

"Just having a rough night, I guess."

He simply sighed, took a bottle of beer from the cooler next to the rickety table, and walked over to where I was sitting on the couch. He handed the bottle to me and I gratefully accepted it. I then opened the lid and downed the beer.

As he goes to get a beer for himself, he remarks, "Y/n's been weird lately. She's been distant with me and always out of the house, I don't know how to deal with that."

I looked at him briefly, before turning and gazing at the big painting on the wall instead. "She's probably just being a teenager, Steve."

"Yeah, I know that. But we're close," he claims. "Like really close, she tells me everything. And now it's like we don't know each other anymore. Is it because I'm trying to make Bucky be with her? I just don't want her to live in a–"

"Do you maybe think that she doesn't want her love life to be forced?" I questioned, which almost comes off as patronizing. "What do you mean?" he enquired as his eyebrows furrowed in my direction.

"Maybe she wants true love," I said. "Like, real love. Not the kind of love where you try to pair up with two people that would never even work out. Sure, Bucky's her best friend. But I know that look in Y/n's eyes, and she is not in love with him."

"How are you so sure, anyway?"

I licked my bottom lip and sighed. "Don't know, she's just... different."

After a few minutes of peaceful silence, he finally spoke: "I know my daughter, Natasha. She's not like this."

"I'm not saying that you don't know your daughter, but maybe you should support whatever she wants in life."

He shakes his head at me and says, "All I want is for everyone here to be happy."

"And maybe she won't be happy if she chooses Bucky to be his boyfriend."

"Why are you talking like this with me? It's like you know my daughter all your life. Like you're her mother."

Because I'm in love with your daughter and got her fucking pregnant.

I made a small effort to speak, but nothing came out. I was at a loss for words and had no choice but to merely glare at him in response. He gave me a dubious look, but I could tell there was something shrieking through his bones behind those eyes.

Then, I felt my heart clenching with pure affliction. If I keep staring at him, the guilt will eat me up – and it's beginning to do so. I looked down at my bottle and choked out a sob, which made him scoot closer to me.

"Hey, hey... are you okay?" he asked, placing his hand on my shoulder, which I do not deserve. "What happened? Did she tell you something?"

I am aware that once I tell him about my relationship with his daughter, I will lose our friendship, possibly even more, but I'm not sure if I was mentally prepared for that great loss. Before she came into my life, I swore to Steve that I would never betray him by any possibility. And now, with the information that I will tell him, I know that I've betrayed him a long time ago.

You always can't have both when it comes to love.

"I'm in love with your daughter," I whispered with trembling breath. "I'm so fucking in love with your daughter that I got her pregnant, Steve. I love Y/n so much, and I'm fucking drinking away this shit because she's aborting our baby."

I'd never heard such deafening silence until this happened. He had wide eyes as he stared at me and was holding my shoulder so firmly in his hand. But I didn't give a damn. I turned my head away from him as I wiped my tears with the back of my hind, almost letting snot come out of my nose. I could feel his hard breathing on me, and I was prepared to be punched by him. At the end of the day, I never get what I truly want from my life. I've lost everything, including my first love. And now I'm about to lose this security with his daughter and I don't know how I can function right with that.

"Say that again."

I gasp for air as I look back into his eyes and then take a deep breath. "I'm in love with your d-daughter, Steve."

"No, enlighten me as to what you said following that."

"I got your daughter pregnant," I looked down from my lap and cracked out another sob. "I got your daughter pregnant and I'm so sorry."

He lets go of my shoulder and stands up, walking away from me. He covers his mouth, as if not believing what I just said, and threw his hands in the air angrily. I looked away again.

"You got my fucking daughter pregnant?!" I feared Maisy and Antonio would be startled awake by his screams as they filled the entire house. He screamed at me while pointing his index finger at me, "You got my only daughter pregnant and have the audacity to tell this to me knowing that I won't be happy with this?!"

"W-What else can I do?" I asked as I stood up, facing my true fears. This was, in fact, my true fear. It has been beholding me like a gift, except that it really wasn't. "I couldn't help myself, I fell in love with her the day that we grew close."

"And how was she when you fell in love with her? What, 16? 15?!"

"No, I would not ever do that–"

"You shouldn't say that to me after I've sacrificed everything for you," he shouts and roams around the living room like a crazed man. He cries while pulling his hair back from his head. "I thought you would be a good auntie to my daughter, and I trusted you with her, but you took advantage of her innocence! You are aware of how Y/n spent her childhood growing up with her mother. I had thought you would be that person for her, but you ended up making her pregnant. Have you ever considered how I might feel about this? You were the only one I could trust with her, and that's no longer the case! You are GONE!"

"Steve," my chest hurts from the sobs I've let out, and I could only sit back down with great despair hitting me like a truck, a very big one. "I-I'm sorry, I know it shouldn't have happened but... it did. We fell in love, she loves me. And I love her, I can't help but love her like that."

I had not anticipated watching a father receive the news that his daughter had become pregnant with his best friend, much less falling in love with a woman myself. He was one of the many people I could trust and truly was my best friend. And the more I touched Y/n every minute, the more I realized I was losing that position. But if I could lose one person today, it would be him.

But it's like losing a family in a single motion, and I'm not sure how I'd manage this pain beating out of my chest.

"Natasha," he breathes out my name as he covers both of his eyes with his hands, choking out another sob. All I wanted to do was hug him, tell him that I was deeply sorry, and maybe work things out along the way. But that wouldn't happen, not at this moment. "She needed you as a mother, not her lover."

"She loves me more than that," I mumbled. "We love each other, and I don't want that to stop. I know I-I'm being selfish, but for once in my life–I'm happy. I'm so happy, Steve."

"But you shouldn't be happy with my daughter."

He was right about that.

I sadly smiled and said, "She's the most perfect human being in the world. Who could resist being in love with her? I don't blame Bucky for that even, she's too perfect. She's the one for me, and I'm sorry that I had to tell you this way."

Steve sat down again, this time facing the other way. I imagine he didn't like the idea of sitting next to me, so I did the same. I'm left in the dark after he takes a single piece of paper off the coffee table and scrawls some words on it. As soon as he was finished, he handed it to me, and I silently read the paper.

We can't choose who we love, can we?

This note had a peculiar mixture of contempt and relief. I kept looking at the paper with tears welling up in my eyes because I was unable to decide which emotion to feel. A few tears fell onto the sheet, and I quickly wiped them away with my hand. "What does this mean?" I asked him as I turned to face him. "Why did you write this?"

He leaned back and murmured something under his breath while heaving a trembling sigh.

"Because if I say it out loud, I do not know if I would mean it."

I nodded, a great deal of internal pain causing my throat to bob. Y/n felt more significant to me than my friendship with him, even though I was aware that I was going to lose his trust. I have the option to choose anyone to be my friend – but never love. And she is the object of my deep love; no matter what, it will always be for her. I firmly believe that it must be Y/n because I could never love someone this deeply in any other way.

"I would do anything for her, Steve."

He nodded slowly, accepting this kind of fate brought up to him abruptly. "Yeah," he said in his deep voice. "I know you would."

READER'S POV:

Natasha had not spoken or seen me in days, and I was dying for her to look at me again. But I can't force our fate, especially since she knew I was planning to abort the child inside of me. Those were lonely days for me. Every hour that passed made me wish it was night so I wouldn't have to think about her while trying to fall asleep. I would try to keep a safe distance between us by either being upstairs or at MJ's house when she was around. Though, I could no longer handle this pain – it was getting too much. Speak to me and let me know that you'll fully support my decision so that we can be happy again. Don't go away so fast, we haven't even finished our story yet.

I haven't seen my father either since the day he left for work, so it was just me, Natasha, Maisy, and Antonio in our lonely gardened house. But today felt different since my father came home drunk. I tried talking to him, but he wouldn't even look me in the eye. Perhaps he was that intoxicated, so I left him alone in his bedroom. While walking back to the garden, I see MJ waiting for me outside. I ran towards her and asked, "What are you doing here? It's barely noon."

"I came here because–" she takes a deep breath before finishing her sentence. "Remember Wanda? Yeah, she's available now. She'll help you today."

"But, my father is here and he might be looking for me–"

"We don't have much time," she claims. "She'll be leaving tonight, so it's best if you come with me right now."

I was only hesitant to leave because I wasn't sure if I still wanted to have the baby out of my stomach, but I was afraid to say I did. So I nodded, grabbed my bag, and followed her to a place I didn't know.

When we got to the small house, a tall brunette woman was waiting for us outside. Her face looked dreary, yet she didn't look like a threat. Before I could introduce myself to her, she said: "You look young."

Her voice sounded condescending.

"I uhm..." I stumbled over my words and seemed to be left with no choice but to nod. She licks her lips before inviting me inside her house, which hardly even resembled one. In the corner, there was a bed and a long table covered in medical supplies. She motioned for me to sit, so I did so slowly at the edge of the bed while waiting.

"How old are you?" the woman asked.

"E-Eighteen," I responded quietly, almost as if it was a secret. She looked at me briefly before asking: "When was the last time you had sex?"

"I-I don't know, maybe six weeks ago."

"You did not do anything else after that? Did you take a plan B pill?"

Despite how overwhelming these questions were, I was compelled to answer each one. She also didn't look friendly, which only added to the nausea I already felt.

"N-No," I replied. "I didn't."

She looked at me quite skeptically before grabbing her clipboard and writing down something, since I cannot read it from here. MJ was a few feet away from me with her eyes roaming around the room, then back at me to check how I was holding up.

The woman had her hand on my knee and squeezed, acting kinder this time since I got a sense that she didn't appreciate me much. "Are you sure about this procedure? If you have any thoughts, let me know. But right now, I'll leave you be as you talk this out with your... friend I should say?"

"Yeah," MJ replied for me, nodding her head. "I'm her friend." The woman kindly smiled again before leaving us in the room, making my way towards MJ as I hugged her tight, face buried into her neck.

I have never been so scared in my life.

"Do you still want to do this?" she asked with a very soft tone, almost like a cat. "If you don't want to do this anymore, I can help you raise the baby. I'll always be here for you, you know that."

"I don't know anymore," I whispered into her neck, feeling my tears streaming down my face. "It's like I wanted to get rid of this thing yesterday and now I feel like I have the sense to keep it."

"You also have to think about yourself too, sweetheart." her words were so comforting, and it feels like I don't deserve them whatsoever. But she was openly saying these things to me and all I had to do was to accept it.

"I'm trying, I really am."

After a brief period of hugging, someone entered the room. When I looked at the door, Natasha was there, her brow furrowed by the doorframe. Her expression softened as she turned to look at MJ and then at me.

"Y-Y/n? Can we talk outside, please?"

I pulled away from MJ and whispered, "How did she know this place?" she only shrugs and steps back away from me, making Natasha pull my wrist gently as we go outside of the small house. I stood with a frail body and murmured, "W-What are you doing here?" even though I was still upset with her, I couldn't help but feel my heart beat slower when she was around.

"I just," she takes a deep breath and rubs the back of her neck. "C-Can we please think about this first? You're making a decision without me, that's my baby too."

"I really don't want to fight right now, Nat–"

"If you could just listen to me, maybe you'd change your mind." her hands were in the air in a beseeching gesture, and her voice sounded like she was pleading. Before I made the choice that would change my entire life, I took a moment to look at her and nod. She lets out a huge sigh of relief. "I know things have been rough with us, b-but this baby could probably change our life. It would make our relationship stronger, and we would be different. Good difference. And if you just give us time for each other, then maybe you'd change your mind."

"I don't know if I would want that, Natasha," I muttered, rubbing my elbow to help my anxiety ease. "We've been okay, until you didn't support my decision. What makes you say that our relationship would grow stronger if we keep ourselves hidden in the dark?"

"That's why I want to run away with you, so we could be open to everyone. So that we wouldn't be so scared anymore," Natasha cups both of my hands as she brought them to her dry lips, kissing my skin softly that I'm reminded of her undying love for me. "Just think about it. You and me, in a strange town where no one knows us, and us taking care of our beautiful baby? Once the baby's born, you can go back to college again. We can take care of our child–"

"If that ever happens, I won't be leaving a child behind," I interrupted her, furrowing my brows. What was she even saying? That I would go to college to pursue my dreams yet leave the baby that I never planned for? What kind of a mother would I be to do that? "That baby would need me more than my fucking future–"

"So let's say you don't go, okay? Let's just say you don't," she was getting agitated now as she moved closer to me until both of our foreheads touched. "I can work from home and take care of you and our baby, and be happy together... don't you want that? Be free and happy?"

"But lying to our loved ones? I don't think so, Natasha."

"Wait–"

I removed my hands away from hers before crossing my arms around myself, as if creating a safety net for myself. "And if we do keep the baby, will you be there?"

Natasha nodded happily, her grin getting wider as tears streamed down her face. "Of course," she whispered. "I'll be there every second, baby girl. Just... don't do this. We can run away right now and leave everything behind, don't you want that for the both of us? We can leave everything behind, beautiful."

I first gave it some thought. Sure, giving up everything to raise a child with her sounds like a wonderful experience. In fact, I was so close to wanting it. What harm would there be in that? I would sacrifice everything for the woman I love, but in return, everyone would despise me, even my distant father. Yes, that sounds fantastic. But yet, I couldn't say yes to it.

"Natasha..."

"I'll marry you, and be with you, and do whatever I want with you–"

"Natasha," before she could even kiss me, I placed my hand on her chest. I could feel it beating against my palm, and I almost wanted to kiss her back. But she kept our lip distance, yet they were so close to mind. "Tasha, I can't have that future with you."

She looked distraught. "W-Why?"

"Because I still want to achieve my dreams," I told her while smiling weakly at myself. "I want to finish college, be who I am, and maybe if time can tell, maybe it could bring me back to you. But for now, I don't think this would even work out between us."

"Y-You don't know what you're saying, detka," she sniffled, cupping my face desperately. It almost screams, please don't let me go, not now, not ever. But I push that away once more, trying my best to be brave for myself. "You don't know what you're saying, please don't do this."

"How can I let you love me when you don't even fully support my decision?" I asked with my voice quivering with woe, and she touched me even more. "How can I let that happen?"

For a while, we were silent, trying to savor the last few seconds of our proximity. And if she ever still decides to not support my decision, letting her go was the best choice. I would not be able to look at her if I thought about the words she used to describe me as an immoral, self-centered individual. How can I ever look at her the same way again? She presses our lips together, and I felt elation course through my veins. I was delighted to be kissed by her once more, to be the girl she has always cherished. That's what I always wanted to be.

"Then I will support you," she whispered with her mouth close to mine, aching to be kissed again. She looked down at me with those sorrowful eyes, yet smiled at me. "I-I will support you, Y/n. I just can't lose you yet."

Natasha held my hand throughout the procedure. I was crying with agony while she kissed my forehead, repeatedly telling me that everything was going to be okay. MJ was waiting outside since she was too frightened to see the process. As soon as it was done, Wanda told me to take some pills to help me ease the pain for the next couple of weeks. And before I left her house, Wanda gave my hand a tight squeeze, whispering: "Don't let her control your life."

These words resonated with me as Natasha walked me home. She couldn't possibly control my life, right? She was fully supportive when I told her that my school was a priority, so how can she control my life? While thinking about these thoughts silently, I heard her asking: "Do you want me to bring you to bed later?"

Y/n, everything will be fine. Just a few more seconds until the fetus comes out.

Trauma, pain, agony, or whatever the hell is in there. I hated it.

"Y-Yeah," I replied, pushing those thoughts away far away from my head. "I think I'd like that."

I did not see my father again that day, and I will not see him the following day either, as we will be leaving in a week. So I anticipated that he would meet some friends before we leave. I was in bed with Natasha while she spoke about her previous life in New York, how I influenced everything for her, and how she is now truly content. Something within me felt proud, but the majority of the time I felt terrible. Truly fucking horrible and truly fucking disgusting.

I regret what transpired with that child; I should not have had an abortion. I should've seen it grow, to become a wonderful child. And now it's gone.

whoops

taglist:  @trans-wolf-boi @generousfartdragon @marvelogic @that-one-gay-mosquito @wandanotsosure @madelineleong @kksalexa @karsonromanoff @natashaswife4125 @florojas @natashaxwife  @lovsalvatore @what-is-your-wish @natsxwife

[ilyuan]

hello valentine! how are you? i hope life is being kind to you! i heard that your request is open, so i try to send something :D hopefully this isn't too much!

may i request haitham with inazuman fem!reader? let's say they met because she's pursuing education in akademiya. once she graduates, she spends some times working in sumeru. but of course, one day she need to go back to inazuma again. how are their long distant relationship look like? do he visit her sometimes? bonus point if she's the opposite of him, like emotional and sunshine type person (but not as loud as kaveh! no shade to him tho, i lobe him xD). of course you can adjust this request as much as you want~ no pressure at all xD

i think that's it! i'm sorry if i make grammarical mistakes or anything, english is not my mother tounge. but still, thanks in advance, dear valentine! 💖

a/n. so sorry this took a while to get to :') im trying my best to catch up with my inbox i promise, other than that,, thank you for the request anon! <3 i’m sick but i’m getting better !! :)

cw. fem!reader, reader is from inazuma, a bit of angst in the beginning (?), mentions of scara (my beloved), cyno, tighnari, kaveh and other characters, i got sorta lazy at the end LOL this was just supposed to be a little time after time fic ig? if that makes any sense like something happens then another thing happens i guess? idk LMAO

"you realize i won't be able to stay for long, right?" your weary voice catches onto his ears when you begin to speak.

with a facepalm, alhaitham replies, "of course, kaveh’s coming home soon so you’d have to go," alhaitham replies, to which you chuckled about.

"well," you pause, "that's not what i meant."

"haitham! stop rummaging through my papers!" you squeak when he attempts to help you, mentally face palming yourself.

"[name]," he looks at you, "people like to help each other, everyone's gotta help someone else some day."

ah, here he goes again.

you giggle.

"okay, okay," you roll your eyes in a playful manner, "well, go check up on kaveh, he's practically screaming your name at this point."

"i'd rather stay here with you," he interrupts.

does he know what will happen?

those words sent shivers down your spine.

yes, you two were in a healthy, established relationship, but what he does not know is that you took his words a completely different way.

all of a sudden, you hear someone walking over to the two of you, alhaitham right beside you instantly assuming it was kaveh.

"hey, you kids gotta go, the bell rang already."

...apparently not.

"stop thinking so hard about it [name]," alhaitham interrupts your train of thought.

"nothing's gonna happen either way, you do realize that if you don't get into [desired career], then there's multiple other options you have in here. we went here for a reason, right?"

...ah, his smart self always seemed to cheer you up, always enough to get rid of every thought in your brain possible, just like when he comforted you when you were panicking about what seemed like fifty different school assignments back in high school.

...

"let me help you," alhaitham spoke, instantly swiping the papers out of your hands.

"but-!?" you insist, but not quick enough since alhaitham was already looking for his glasses, the ones that kaveh gave him since he changed careers in high school.

"no 'but's," he interrupted you once more, your insists practically flying out of the already freezing cold window that was still going because of how hot it was inside your apartment.

...

back in the present time, he was tapping on the side of your head like it was a solid rock, but trying his best to be careful with you.

"you always zone out," alhaitham starts once more, interrupting your train of thought once more.

"and you always interrupt me," you roll your eyes, scoffing at him.

"you didn't even say anything though."

after you and alhaitham’s graduation, you’d decided that you would work in sumeru, with the special occasions of helping out alhaitham too.

"cyno! stop kicking sand onto me!" you laughed, trying not to get sand in your eyes as you were cleaning up the eremites' base.

“where’s tighnari?” you suddenly ask.

"he's on his way, he was dehydrated not too long ago until scaramouche gave him water," he replied, thinking back to the time he had to hand over the water that scaramouche gave him to tighnari who could barely even stand, breathing heavier than usual.

after that, he knew tighnari would take longer than expected to come visit both of you.

scaramouche, having just obtained the crown and lost it, he was more unmotivated than usual so you all knew that he wasn't going to come, considering how stubborn he was and how he refused requests almost all the time.

...and of course, kaveh was stressed out again.

after months and months, here you were, wking on the streets of inazuma with none other than kaveh, alhaitham’s stubborn roommate.

“do you know when you’ll be able to go back to sumeru?” kaveh suddenly asks you, to which you whipped your head to the left to look at him.

“erm… well, i did tell him that i’d have to leave one day but,” you paused, “he didn’t… understand.”

“what do you mean?” kaveh questioned with a gasp to which you let out a small laugh about.

“well, i told him a year ago that one day i’d have to leave and he instantly thought it was about you coming over so i would have to leave,” you replied, trying your best to explain to alhaitham’s blonde friend.

“well i guess that’s just how life works,” kaveh sighed, trying to attempt an emotional facade.

you laughed again.

…

ever since that day, you’ve met some people along the way of your journey back in your hometown, inazuma.

the summer shade of inazuma under certain sakura trees caught your attention when you were walking with ayaka.

the sight reminded you of how things would go downhill but alhaitham was always there with you.

the shade representing your emotions, and the petals representing alhaitham being by your side.

you thought it was cheesy, letting out a small giggle from it to which ayaka questioned you about.

she was the girl who had always thought you were different from any other person in inazuma, since you’ve never told her that you were previously in sumeru for a long period of time.

you looked over to her, your view meeting her confused face.

“…ayaka, i’m fine,” your weary tone of voice spoke.

“…right.”

…

and ever since that day, you and alhaitham always called over any devices that ayaka and thoma made for you.

thoma, having always practiced forging with ayato, has taken a very long time trying to make certain souvenirs for you and other trinkets.

you could never thank him enough for the device that he made for you in order to call alhaitham.

however, you never told thoma that you were in a relationship with a man from sumeru.

…

so when you told him, he was shocked.

to say the least.

…

“AND YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT PART!?” he practically screamed.

“…”

“i knew you would act like this,” ayato came up from behind.

and well, so in conclusion, you and alhaitham’s relationship was… pretty much perfect!

the only downside was that you could never find ways to convince ayato to drive you back to sumeru, but you had your ways to convince him.

“alhaitham, hi!” thoma yelled, seeing his camera on screen from a few meters away behind you.

“THOMA—“

@sugarmouchie do not copy/translate/repost on other platforms please and thank uu 🤍

[springsaladgaming]

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they’re in love?

hi, anon!

I reblogged those oc question lists so long ago that I was surprised to get more asks for them. Thanks for including the questions with them and saving me some time!

Alex - I think this depends on so many factors! On the one hand, if the crush is on someone they are very close to, it might be less noticeable because Alex tends to act flirty even in purely platonic situations. On the other hand, they may have other tells that an especially observant person might notice. In general, it's more noticeable if they have a crush on someone they don't know well because they will flirt with them and would not otherwise. In general, Alex might be more touchy or go out of their way to spend more time with a person they are in love with, and these are probably better tells than general flirtatious behavior.

Ansel - When Ansel has a crush, it is not obvious assuming he is actively trying to hide it—he has a pretty superb poker face when he wants to. That said, he wouldn't see much reason to hide a crush on someone unless he thought pursuing anything with that person was a bad idea for whatever reason. Ansel is nice to almost everyone, but he'll be especially doting on someone he's in love with, always checking in during free moments to make sure they are comfortable, fed, and generally taken care of.

Teagan - It's not obvious to anyone else because it's probably not obvious to him either—further complicated by being demiromantic. Teagan generally doesn't experience the 'crushing on someone' phase of emotion, at least not like most people. When any such phase happens, it probably just looks like he's being a good friend, because close friendship is kind of a requirement before he can feel anything romantic for someone. It will be obvious once he's in love, though, because he'll want to spend the majority of his free time around the person he's in love with.

Cherry - Highly variable, I think, depending on who she's crushing on, how badly she wants to hide it, and how badly the other person wants to hide it assuming they reciprocate. Cherry can not only read the emotions of others, she can also adopt them to a certain point. So, for example, if she was crushing on a person who was not interested in her romantically whatsoever, it would be pretty easy for her to just mirror whatever emotions that person has when they are around her and hide her crush that way. So, yeah, highly variable. Figuring out how she feels can sometimes get very sticky and messy. If she's in love, though, I think her own emotions would supersede any that she picks up from the other person, so it would be pretty obvious because she'd often be blushing and awe-struck.

Lucia - She's a bit of a hopeless romantic, so it's probably obvious to everyone. It would take a lot of effort for her to hide a crush if she wanted to, but she probably wouldn't want to anyway. When she's in love with someone, she tends to devote herself wholly to their comfort and happiness—to a fault, really. It's definitely gotten her into trouble in her past major relationship where she was clearly more invested than the other person.

Rene - Middle of the road I guess? If he is crushing on someone, he's likely to just ask them out on some dates to test the waters, so it's obvious in the sense that it's not going to stay hidden for long regardless. When he's in love with someone, he's likely to do a lot of acts of service—little things like making them dinner, cleaning up for them, etc. As an ace-spec person myself, I think that it would all be pretty obvious, but I suppose some people might be looking for clues of sexual attraction, and those won't happen with Rene, so I guess it also depends on what a person considers "big tells."

??? - Assuming the person isn't a threat to her or her family, a crush would be pretty obvious because she is used to "taking what she wants," in a sense. She would make that crush known and only stamp it out entirely if it was unwelcome. She can be a very intense person, so her expressions of love can range from as mundane as "I will make dinner for you (or pay to have someone make dinner for you)" to "i would literally blow up a building for you." If she cares about someone, you'll know it.

thanks so much for the ask! 🧡

[ladesisesansdessein]

Since everyone is writting about how Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang met/how Lu Guang personality was like in the very first timeline, brainrot took over and I have to chip in.

Lu Guang's personality

Assuming his core personality didn't change too much, a myer-brigg test should gives us hints of what he was like (I'm not an expert on that test and I certainly don't think it's a 100% foolproof thing, but in the case of writting consistent characterization, it is useful). And he is pretty much a textbook INTJ :

prefers to be alone/few friends/quiet space

overthinkers who are open minded to new ideas

thinks more with their head and control their emotions

likes things to be organized/clean/neat

What most likely didn't change from the first timeline :

was always a loner with few friends

overthinker, strategic with everything he does and just have excellent foresight in general. Now I really wonder how much their powers are innate? In the sense that everyone has the potential to develop a power that's based on their personality/experience.

likes to lead and be in control

single minded to reach their goal and won't let rules/critics stop them so yes jumping back in time is extremely in-character

appears cold, uncaring and rude, but are quick to make amend if they hurt someone because they do care a lot

extremely private who don't share their thoughts, dislike small talk and frivolity

witty and sarcastic

and if you think it's odd how he became friend with someone like CXS, that type of personality prefers to befriend outcast/special/unique people who can give them new perspectives and challenge them. So CXS's naivety/honesty with his emotions definively could have drawn him also falls in love slowy but surely

Have an extremely hard time to connect with someone but when they do oh boy are they loyal and devoted 2x jumping in time is extremely in-character

What most likely change with time:

used to be extremely honest because they hate lies and value trust *go cry in a corner*

used to be very cynical and dismissive of emotions before spending time with CXS

probably became more mellow/less controling of CXS's antics

similarly, he is probably much more patient now than he used to be time travel will do that to someone

Funnily enough, probably had no clue how to deal with CXS in general? And it took some time to understand him and how to deal with emotions

Not connected with his personality, but how they met/their living arrangement? since we see the bunk bed, I guess it is safe to assume they lived together, but for all we know they might have met/move in later in the first timeline because no idea how he would have survived room-mating with CXS

CXS's personality and relationship with LG

Funnily enough, it is harder to pinpoint what his personality type is. If I had to classify him something, I would go with ISFP.

At first glance, you would think he is extraverted because of his loud personality and his fear of being alone. However, that's not what introvert/extravert means, it has more to do with how you act in stressful situations/how you relax yourself. Since in pretty much all highly stressful situations the show present (after the earthquake, Xu Shanshan's disappearence, LG's kidnapping...) his reaction is to isolate/be quiet, I think he is an introvert with ADHD or a similar mental condition.

more of a act first/think later

is lead by their emotions

considering all the nagging LG does, probably quite disorganised/messy

So, how does that translate in what their relationship looked like at first?

easy-going, sensitive, friendly people pleaser, easily adapt to fit with other people, forgive easily. So I totally think he was the one to approach LG and did most of the heavy-lifting early in their relationship to make it work. For example, easily glossing over LG's bluntness/rudeness, not asking personal questions, not forcing him to talk...

good judge of character who can easily tell who they will connect with also hopeless romantic falls in love fast and hard. So the basketball scene is believable.

funnily enough, often describe as very naive

charitable, likes to help people, dislike leading. No wonder he likes their side job and is willing to do as LG says.

easily bored and bad at school, so LG definively had to help him a lot with studying/finishing homework

loves art, particularly at seeing beauty in everyday life. So photography probably isn't just something he does because of his parents, but probably as a genuine love for it. I can see him taking photos of banal things like LG washing dishes in pajamas at 2am while trying to explain the "feel"

bad self-esteem and underestimate themselve. Which makes the scene where QL pushes CXS to go in the picture and praises CXS to Tianxi 10x more sweet. She knows how to deal with her little brother :') Now I want a scene where LG was insensitive to CXS, QL confronts LG and he has a very bad time having to deal with an angry overprotective older sister (while also being the moment where he gains a lot of respect for QL, becomes her friend and starts calling her jiejie).

spontanous who acts more on gut-feeling, so unpredictable. No surprise here ;)

will often hide how they really feel to avoid causing conflict and only open up to people they are very close to. Which does explain why he lashed out at everyone when his parent disapeared and decided to live by himself. There is also so much potential from a storytelling perspective... you can bet CXS's internalizing all that trauma not to burden other people, which will totally blow up in his face at one point. Another thing, those theories that first timeline CXS was depressed? Totally possible, especially since LG from the first timeline probably couldn't help CXS emotionally very well.

really bad at taking criticism. Noticed how LG will often call him an idiot or outline why an idea is bad but rarely directly comment on his actions? I don't know how to explain it, but the way he tells CXS not to do things never feels like he has a negative view of CXS?

Prefer to quietly spend time with family/close friend. So all those fanfics where LG's reading and CXS's playing games on his phone in silence are 100% in character.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

i know this is an unpopular opinion on this blog but the more i think about it the more i come to the conclusion that emma being arrested really had nothing to do with classical dv. i know people and even myself used to come up with the comparison "what if the genders were reversed" but i've come to the realization that you really can't compare women on men violence to real domestic abuse towards a woman, who is physically inferior to the man. it just doesn't hold the same weight knowing that a man would always have the power to physically get himself out of a situation. that he never seriously has to fear for his life (except when weapons are being used ofc but there is no indication of that) the fact that evan did not fight back and "took the punches" makes him a real man in my opinion. he has probably been raised to never raise his hand against a woman regardless of what, and probably just to restrain her and try to calm her down; which i think is what happened in montreal. (purposefully excluding the emotional abuse here which i'm confident is just as bad, not trying to debate that here.) by the way i say this as someone who used to fight everyone who defended emma. which i'm still doing by the way. i think it's safe to assume that emma is one pathetic excuse of a human being for so many other reasons but especially for using violence. so don't get me wrong, she is anything but a victim. i'm just saying that you really cant't put evan in the position of a battered boyfriend as so many fans do, like he was somehow defenselessly cowering in a corner while she was beating down at him. evan at all times had the physical power to end the physical violence. if he did not, that was due to him being a decent human being and being better than to use violence, not because he couldn't. he is the more powerful one of the two. we need to stop infantilizing him in that regard. and i'm sure he never even saw himself as a victim until social media called it out. oh god i know this sounds so wrong and i sound like an asshole because it looks like i'm trying to excuse abuse, but i'm definitely not. evan was 100% abused and a victim and emma is an abuser. i'm rambling. i guess what i'm trying to say is you can't compare the impact of trauma here. while i'm sure evan was traumatized he will still never know what it's like to be a woman in a domestically violent relationship always living in fear and intimidation and never knowing if she makes it out alive. i hope i got my point across and you all don't hate me. i have thought about this for so long from so many different angles. if there is a gap in my conclusion or something i missed feel free to correct me. or maybe this was common knowledge already in which case i apologize! i hope this wasn't offensive or ignorant i'm open to learn.

the gap in conclusion here is that you have a limited viewpoint of what constitutes ''real domestic abuse''. the very concept that some victims deserve to be treated as such, while others don't, is why so many people (male and female) experiencing it live in fear of how they will be treated if they report it. people who say things like you have prove that this is a legitimate concern. the same logic you apply to men's physical abilities is so often applied to women who appear strong mentally, emotionally and have a strong support system who would ensure their safety. who seem like they would never stand for it, yet are hiding bruises from their partner or spouse and living in shame and secrecy because they know others won't understand it. someone doesn't need to be small and fragile, cowering in the corner to be a victim. man or woman.

yes, you're absolutely right - evan had the physical ability to restrain her, which i'm sure he often did. i just ask - why do you need to de-legitimize someone being a ''real'' victim, regardless? everyone knows that men have a physical upper hand and it is not the same scenario as far as ability to fight back, to free yourself physically from someone trying to hurt you. but violence that repeatedly occurs in a romantic relationship can only happen because a perpetrator has mentally broken a victim. many women technically could safely flee from DV situations but don't because they, just like evan did, love the person who is doing this to them and are psychologically conditioned to believe they deserve it, or that they can adjust their own behavior to keep their abuser from hurting them again, and that they will change. you cannot separate these two things and the impact it has on when and if someone leaves.

"you can't compare the impact of trauma here. while i'm sure evan was traumatized he will still never know what it's like to be a woman in a domestically violent relationship always living in fear and intimidation" i'm sorry, who are you to say this? seriously, WHO are YOU to say this about a person? i'm gonna stop here because i think deep down, you know you are wrong and saying things that are incredibly offensive and insensitive. please re-evaluate your line of thinking. it seems like you drank some twitter faux feminist talking point koolaid that's gonna inch you closer and closer to the ''men actually deserve abuse'' vitriol that's all too common. we do not need to compare victims of domestic violence. it can really be as simple as saying that it is never acceptable - it's not a pissing contest. what purpose did this message serve? i am genuinely asking. if this was just rage bait, it worked because this message infuriated me and i had to take a minute in case you're serious and indeed not trying to be a bad person. i really hope that's the case and you consider why there is no need to write me a long message to assert that evan did not suffer enough to qualify as a true-blue victim in your eyes. i didn't need to know you're withholding empathy due to him being male, that's completely on you.

[littlerosetrove]

so i saw your posts about the daddy issues convo and you are right about that specific post being so not okay. but i feel like i’m not seeing the emotional depth that everybody else is seeing, like the joke itself fell kinda flat to me? (not saying tommy is a terrible person for a sexy joke!!) but it feels like the whole thing is being so blown out of proportion by everyone. i guess for me it was the convo itself that felt off, not just the joke at the end? i hope that makes sense?

I definitely recommend reading this post by @tenebrous-academic because it lays out why there is depth to the scene. It explains how, in short, the scene displays a level of equality between Buck and Tommy that we've never really seen with/in Buck's previous relationships.

I think there are two fronts of how the scene became blown out of proportion, because the scene was truly just a nice scene of boyfriends connecting with each other and flirting. It didn't need to be A Thing, and yet... So. 1) People who already dislike (or straight up hate) Tommy and Buck/Tommy tearing the scene apart to try and show, essentially, why Tommy is not good for Buck. Or "this is why they won't last." (i assume you've seen this stuff on your dash, nonny?) 2) Although this wasn't the only nasty post, but one person in particular taking it much further to "jokingly" say that Tommy flirting, with a sexual joke with his adult boyfriend, was so horrible that Tommy, a gay man, should be shot. Things took a nasty turn and that's why a simple scene of Buck and Tommy connecting feels "blown out of proportion." I'll say it over and over that people don't have to like or vibe with a character or a ship, but some take their dislike so far that they think it's okay - even with a fictional character - to say they'd shoot a gay man. Some people are trying to vilify a character so much because, as far as I can tell, they hate that Buck is with a man that is not Eddie.

Now, it's fine if the joke didn't work for you, for whatever reason. You don't seem to have an issue with the fact that it was a sensual joke in nature, so that's good. Two queer men being openly queer with each other should not be an issue.

While I liked the date scene, I can understand why the tone of it felt off to some people. I think it comes from the fact that the entire episode was so fast paced, nothing was really allowed to breathe, certain stories did not get the time they deserved (like Bobby being in the hospital, but instead we got Athena doing dirty cop stuff etc), and mix that all together? We have ourselves just a weird, predictable, and in some ways unsatisfying episode.

While I don't think storylines being predictable is inherently a bad thing, and 911 has done plenty of predictable stories. However, 911 is fully capable of telling satisfying "predictable" stories, and telling satisfying character stories. We just didn't quite get that in 7x10, in part because of some lack of buildup and setup for some stories and characters. Also a lack of payoff for some stories. Some things were ignored, brushed aside, or minimized when they shouldn't have been.

[basingstokemercury]

The Magnificent Adah really is one of the episodes ever.

Oh yay! It's Younger Brother Hijinks - wait Adam is doing hijinks too? This is heaven - okay. that took a serious turn.

("They never kill off the hero"... Adam, you're the educated one. I'm sure you've read Shakespeare. I guess he's referring to his experience of the less-highbrow fare on offer in Virginia City?)

So I guess now the episode is an honestly terrifying depiction of stalking and Ben isn't telling the boys what's going on so they jump to conclusions and make things worse? Abrupt transition from farce to tragedy, here we come!

I'm still not sure what to make of Adam's attempt at confrontation. "Please don't date my father because I find you attractive myself"? He's supposed to be a man of honour, someone who can put others' happiness before his own impulses. Maybe this scene makes more sense to others, but it feels rather OOC to me.

JOE NO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO

"Adam, now, he's the dependable one. He's a worrier." So you do get him sometimes!

And we show just how ruthless our violent stalker antagonist is by having him half-kill a teenager for messing with "his" woman/because his father is dating her. As if things weren't dark enough already.

Not that I'm complaining though! Everyone is so upset and worried and they actually let him be scared and in pain and crying for his father, really good emotional decisions here!

"Pa?😢" (heart breaks) (but in a "this is good angst" way)

YES! VENGEANCE! DRAMATIC SHOWDOWN TIME!

Adam restraining Ben because he realises Hoss is better equipped to handle this... Such an interesting choice, I love how protective Adam is of his father but also it's another weight on his shoulders and nobody should have to be that strong...

But oh no! Even Hoss can't handle it because Antagonist has superior technique! Good thing Adam has proficiency at Insight checks and figures out his weakness!

So we get a happy ending, right?

Oh. No. That happened.

I won't say it quite comes out of left field because we've seen that Adah, while she knows this guy is dangerous and abusive, does remember good times and feel conflicted about him. Which, while tragic, is, I think, sadly often the case for people trying to leave relationships like that.

It's just a shame the story ends with her unable to break away. I won't say it's bad storytelling, everything makes reasonable sense logically and that gut punch is an interesting departure from the classic "and they deal with him and he never bothers her again and she's free to live as she chooses" windup for a plot like that.

It does make me sad, though.

I guess a question is whether she knows what was done to Joe or just sees the fight and assumes things escalated for other reasons? Because "I know this guy's awful but I don't want him hurt" isn't quite on the same level as "I know this guy nearly caused permanent injury to someone I see as little more than a child, but I'm going to take his side and comfort him".

[bookofmirth]

Hi!

I am curious to know what you think of Cassian and Nesta's relationship? I know a lot of people (myself included) was disappointed with how he handled things and how their relationship developed.

I would have wished he stood up for her more. I understand that the IC is his family, but it takes nothing to draw boundaries. It was surprising to see how comfortable they were insulting Nesta in his presence. Even more so, to see him agreeing with those insults or believing the worst of her.

Besides how terrible the hiking scene was (and how he shared joy with Rhysand about Nesta suffering through it) my biggest ick would have to be how he handled their mating bond.

In a moment of emotional awareness, Cassian decided to leave Nesta for a week because he knew she was unprepared for the bond between them and wanted her to "come to terms with it".

But later on, when Nesta tries to have a conversation about what she is comfortable with when it comes to mating bonds, he throws a huge temper tantrum. This doesn't make sense because pages before, he knew that Nesta wasn't 100% onboard with being mates. But when she admits to this out loud, he suddenly has a problem with it?

Overall, Nessian really sucked for me in this book and really changed the way I viewed his character. I think he's a jerk.

S/N: The hiking scene also sets a dangerous precedent. Is this how Cassian will choose to handle fights between the sisters now? Every time Nesta upsets Feyre, would he send her on a hike to punish her again. And gloat with Rhys about her suffering. Not that there should be any competition, but it seems Nesta will never have someone defend her the way everyone defends Feyre. Or go to such lengths for her.

I think you sent this before I answered this ask, but some of my general feelings about nessian are there!

They seemed in character to me in acosf, in that they had a lot of push and pull, and they are more antagonistic towards one another than sjm's other couples. There is teasing and challenging each other, and there is being downright mean, and nessian can veer into being mean territory which, for me, means they'll never be my favorite. (I just put that in bold because it's the tl;dr of my feelings on their ship.) I like to explore the tension and how they try to grapple with one another emotionally, but it's more an intellectual exercise for me, than something I like or have fun with.

Re: the hike scene, Cassian didn't send her off on the hike. Rhys ordered her out of Velaris and Azriel packed their bags before Cassian even got to him, so putting this whole situation on Cassian is inaccurate. Rhys saying he was going to kill Nesta was absolutely out of line, but he was acting in fear and anger. I can make you a list of times where Nesta also reacts in fear and anger, and the fandom tries to make excuses for her all the time. It's a messy situation and I don't think anyone comes out of it looking good, is my point. But it involves many more people than just Cassian and Nesta, its root had nothing to do with Cassian, so I don't think that it says anything about their romantic relationship, necessarily.

I've seen other people make the same statement as you, that it seems like Nesta won't have someone ready to throw down for her the way that Feyre does, that we assume Elain will, that Aelin does, etc. That's fair! Perhaps that will come with time? We haven't seen nessian as a couple post-her dealing with her trauma and guilt in acosf. I think it's absolutely possible that she will get that. acosf ended right at the point of them finally coming together and accepting that they were going to be together and be mates, so we haven't yet seen them in a committed, public relationship! Now that I think of it, what fluff did we get in acosf? Nesta's most light-hearted moments were all with Gwyn and Emerie. I think we will get that with her and Cassian later on.

I guess my question with Cassian is - what would people have preferred Cassian do differently, that 1) would be in character, and 2) wouldn't force him to take sides? I absolutely hate the idea that Cassian is supposed to be the bigger person all the time because that's not how relationships works, it's incredibly unfair to him, and it also puts him in a weird dad/therapist position to Nesta, which is also not how relationships work. If we were to switch their genders, I think it'd be easier to see how and why that's such a troubling role to ask one person in a relationship to take.

*side note, I am just putting this post out here as my opinion and I'm not looking to have that changed. I don't care enough to engage in debate about who was meaner to whom. I'm here for character analysis, not character wars. Ultimately, I don't care to engage in a verbal fight about which character was "more wrong" or who was meaner or who was morally superior. (This is not directed at you anon, just at anyone who might get ideas about coming into my inbox to fight. IDC.)

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

The Good Doctor is over. I can't believe it, and I probably won't for a while xd.

I've been watching this show for about 3 or 4 years, I believe. I'm not exactly sure how long xd. I think I started watching after season 3, maybe a bit into season 4. I'd have to look somewhere, because I truly have no idea lol. I honestly don't even remember why, I think I just liked the idea and had seen a couple clips of it.

But what I also didn't know was how much this random medical show would come to mean to me. It's gotten me through hard times, put me through hard times xD (looking at you, sobbing over Asher's death), and I don't know how I'm gonna live without it lol. Well, I know how, and I have other shows, I'll be fine. It's not even one I've been watching since the very beginning, or the longest, or whatever. I don't have the most thoughts about like, daydream wise, I haven't written the most fanfic about it (I don't think - there are like 4 wips and one posted today though xd). But it just means something special to me. Nothing can replace the hole it will leave in my heart, the place it will always have there. It taught me a lot, it showed me characters I'd never seen before that meant so much to me. I don't think you understand what it meant to me to see neurodiverse characters, disabled characters, queer characters, or a specific one, Asher rediscovering his relationship with religion a bit at the end of his storyline. This show has meant so much to me over these past years and I am so grateful for it <3.

Thank you. Thank you sooo much to all the cast, and for all the amazing jobs they did :')). They are seriously all amazing actors, even the one off patients in one episode each. All wonderful <33. And thank you sooo much to the crew, who made such an amazing show possible :'D! It couldn't have been done without a single one of you <333. I know what behind the scenes stuff is like, how much work they put in, and I'm so grateful for it <33. Thank you to everyone who made this show possible, and made it what it is :')).

And thank you to you guys. There's not too much of a fandom, and what there is I'm not active in much, but let me tell you all that I seriously appreciate you. Every little post, every like, every small conversation, every ask, I have felt a little bit more community for this show. I have found someone else who loves this show like I do, someone who knows what I'm talking about. Thank you all for making this the even better experience it has been :')). I hope we all continue to love this show and write and create and post for it <333. You're all really cool, and even if I don't know you, I don't want to lose you :')). I love you all so much <33.

And hey, thank you to the people, whoever they are (and I assume mainly one person), who keep sending me asks :'D. It makes me smile and so excited to see I have an ask about The Good Doctor, and I really appreciate it :)). I hope you do too <3.

The Good Doctor is an amazing show. It's not always perfect, and yes it's made plenty of mistakes, but I love it anyway. Nothing's perfect. And it doesn't have to be <333. It has taken me on a journey for these past years, and I will be forever grateful for that <3. Even if the journey has now ended :'). It's just time for part two :'D. We're just switching buses, getting on a new road. A new track for a train. It's a different leg of our journey, chapter of our story, but it's going to be an amazing one as well :')). I'll miss this one, so much, but I know the future's going to be absolutely slay in its own way <33. A future of thoughts, fanfic, daydreams, and loving this show :'DD. And that kinda makes me feel okay :').

Thank you all for coming on this journey with me. Through all my emotions, all these liveblogs and reviews. I do truly, genuinely appreciate it <333.

I guess this is me signing out for The Good Doctor :'). But it isn't, really - there's a review to come, and I promise not to abandon this fandom, this show, now that it's over. Even if it's mostly in my head or my Google docs lol :'). So, I guess, just,

Thank you, The Good Doctor. And I'll see you later :'))

Goodbye, The Good Doctor ❤️

[timeoverload]

I hope you're happy now that you "got back" at me for not showing up before. You sure know exactly how to hurt me. I don't think acting that way is healthy in a relationship. I wouldn't do that to you if you had explained to me what was going on like I tried to do. I wasn't trying to "ghost" you. I tried to communicate but I suppose I didn't do it right and I was a bitch. If I was trying to avoid seeing you, I wouldn't have tried to explain myself. I wish I could actually be invited to things without having to guess whether you want me there or not. I never get invited to anything so it's confusing for me!! Trying to have a relationship based solely on telepathy isn't healthy either. I guess verbal communication is very important to me and I feel that a lot of arguments could be avoided if we could just talk about our problems instead. Sometimes the messages I receive aren't clear and I don't understand them right away. Sometimes it takes time for me to process things and it isn't instant like some people assume. Lately I have gotten a lot of mixed messages so I don't know what to do. I already felt like shit for not being able to go. You are literally the only person I leave my house to see and that's pretty sad but it's true. Of course I want to see you and I miss you every day and I wish things were easier for me so I could just be there when I'm supposed to be. I wish you could just pick me up and we could live happily ever after. I guess I sound selfish when I talk about my physical limitations so I won't say anything about it ever again. It shouldn't be an excuse and I should just deal with the pain silently like everyone else because I guess that's what normal people do.

I was really excited today because I felt really good and I had more energy than I've had in a while. I didn't even feel the need to have a soda and I didn't take any naps because I was just ready to go. I actually had something to look forward to for once. It didn't last very long unfortunately.

I know I acted fucking crazy yesterday and I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I let everyone down multiple times. I guess I have never been very confident in myself either. I've been extremely shy since I was a kid. I wish my brain was fully developed like everyone else's. I don't like to use the word retarded but I literally am. I'm pretty smart in some ways but I still have learning disabilities and a lot of problems being social. I have problems completing basic tasks. I often think that I wasn't supposed to survive when I was born and I probably have brain damage from my mom having preeclampsia. I tried to convince myself that I was normal just like everyone else when I was growing up because my parents told me so but that wasn't true. I probably should have been in special ed... maybe I would be more successful right now if I had been. I think the only reason I graduated high school was because my parents pushed me so hard to do well and my mom played school with me during the summer when I was little. I'm also scared of literally everything all the time. I've gotten bullied my whole life for being different and it's never going away. I can't even leave my room most of the time. I am constantly second-guessing myself and I should stop doing that.

I just can't believe that someone as cool as you would want to see me and I guess you don't. I'm not very cool. Maybe I was wrong this whole time. I wish I could be more like you. Your life seems to be perfect compared to mine. You have everything you want. Everything is so easy for you. You can go out in public without being afraid or struggling to get around. You're popular and you have friends and people that you can talk to. You get to do all of the things that I can only dream of doing. You're just perfect in every way.

If you saw how I was living maybe you would understand why I'm doing as bad as I am and why it's so hard for me to just show up. I was being stupid and overly emotional again because I've barely eaten or slept this week because I've been so anxious about seeing you. I don't know why I'm so fucking delusional and thought you would just show up. That's not how things work and I should know that by now because it would have already happened if it was true. I should stop sacrificing sleep just to try to send you stuff. I spend too much time on here. I realize that it's not healthy for me to get that upset over someone either. I have been wanting to get help for my mental health problems for a while and I keep putting it off because I keep thinking someone will help me but I just need to deal with it without any help because obviously it is creating a lot of problems. It takes a lot of time for me to build up the confidence and strength to come see you after getting my ass kicked all week too. I wish I could get my pain under control so I'm not like this. I wasn't always this bad. It's really hard for me to get ready when my room is a trash pile and I can't find anything in here. I didn't want to show up looking like a clown but I guess I am. A very foolish clown. I also haven't been able to do laundry in over 6 months. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me since I'm just a pathetic mess. I deserve to be lonely so I'm glad you taught me that. At least the silverfish and spiders living behind my bed will keep me company. I'm just a loser. I guess I am "Satan". I'm sorry for being embarrassing and ruining everything. I'm not sure there's any hope for me to be successful anymore.

I guess I didn't understand what you were planning to do at the time but it doesn't matter anymore. I've realized that sometimes I'm bad at understanding social cues. I will never expect anything from you. I wasn't trying to be ungrateful for anything. I don't think you understood what I was trying to say... I was trying to say I just want to be with you and I don't need you to do anything extravagant. I don't need you to buy me gifts or anything like that. Just being with you would be enough to make me happy. I really wasn't trying to be rude so I'm sorry I even said anything about it. I wasn't mad at you, I was just in a shitty mood and I should have kept it to myself. I appreciate you and everything you have done for me so far though. I also appreciate everyone at the shop for being so kind to me. Thank you for listening to me. I don't think I can go back there any time soon after having that experience though. I guess I was wrong about that being a safe place. I didn't think I could be more depressed than I was before but I was wrong. I don't believe in anything anymore. My spirit is crushed and I'm not sure my broken heart can be put back together at this point. I hope you all enjoy your holiday and the rest of your summer. Maxwell, I love you with all my heart and I always will. I'm sorry I fucked up everything. I don't want to do anymore damage and I don't want to hurt you anymore so I am going away for a long time. Goodbye.

[pendarksmindandmadness]

This was my line of thought on a thread about how men are shit at apologies.

******

My response can be applied to any identity. If one partner insists the other has ulterior motives or just wants to clear themselves of wrongdoing: they aren't going to accept any apology.

There is no proper apology for some people. "I'm sorry," is almost never enough. You get dragged into explaining because it isn't enough.

And, like me, some people (especially married or involved men with any type of neuro-divergence) hate confrontational dialog of any kind. Whether we are right or not, sorry or not, intended to hurt someone or not; we're always the bad guy because we "said it wrong."

We can be verbally abused and emotionally manipulated all day long, but if the one doing so should hear a sigh of exasperation or see you roll your eyes; prepare for a fight.

And there is never an ounce of give-a-shit given when men are kicked around like emitional soccer balls, then made to feel like shit when they finally speak up.

So, in the end, what's the point of apologizing in the first place. We know we're just going to have it thrown back at is anyway. We know there is nothing sufficient.

If I'm going to be considered the asshole regardless of what I say or do; then I might as well be seen as the asshole for just shutting down, closing off, and saying nothing.

But man, how people hate it when you deal with anger by walking away. It triggers a torrent of "you can't face it" or "you are scared to deal with it" statements.

Large leaps in logic like that are what I'm talking about. The partner "shouted back" at with several gigantic assumptions about why you said what you said.

They invariably follow it with character attack. They tell you what you "always do" or "have always been" and end with the classic "why are you in a relationship at all?"

So we go back to why say anything at all. It's that sort of bullshit backlash for expressing anything a woman might take offense at, that makes men shut down. (Or at least me. And I suspect most men with a neurodivergence.)

If I'm going to be called an asshole and have things assumed about me in the very first response; then why even talk? Because as you're the bad guy if you don't.

This damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario is why some men just go drink in a bar or get high instead of trying to work it out. Divorce may be on the horizon anyhow; so he might as well go out high.

There is nothing that can be said in a conversation that anyone takes the time to remotely consider the effect of; as long as it is said to men.

Emotional games go both ways. If I call her a bitch and hit a wall before walking it off, it all goes in a police report. If she had called him a bitch then actually slapped him, they'd have no issue with that. In fact, in a military relationship that goes south, they advise men to "suck it up." Cops treat it similarly.

And, guess which partner loses everything they own, including self-respect, in a nasty court battle. It won't be her. This has only started to change in the courts.

Apologies made, sincere apologies, regardless of how they are worded; are thrown right in the trash with the base assumption that there is no sincerity because of the eords used.

I agree that men suck at apology. We suck at it because we can't get it right. If it is never taken that way; it is useless to apologize.

You continue a cycle of assumptions about my intent and my character in the response. That leads me to the conclusion that no response would have been sufficient or accepted.

As to "women being emotional soccer balls," let's begin with the premise that men have no idea how to apologize. Or that they are automatically to blame for any relational strife.

Add the demonization of particularly a CIS-hetero male as everyone's enemy.  Add to that the clear disrespect of any man daring to speak up about this at all.

Compound it with the notion that assuming things about his character is automatically the default response.

Then, top it off with the FACT that a partner is all prepared to continue that cycle regardless of what the first partner says.

Do that in a marriage, and you have my original point. Men can't respond to anything without automatic assumption that they are lying, insincere, or attacking when they do respond.

An apology is a statement that acknowledges an action or statement that causes the recipient distress.

An apology is an attempt to rectify a situation.

An apology is given to express remorse for one's actions or words.

But... there cannot be an apology that is suitable, if every attempt is assumed to be false, a lie, or to have a hidden agenda.

To automatically discount any attempt and deflect it or ignore it based on the words used to commence the attempt completely eliminates the possibility of a clear dialog.

[butchtoads]

Negative vent under cut

The holidays have a very special way of reminding me how despite my best efforts I remain incredibly isolated. Like I try to interact online, and I've gotten further than I ever have before but still feel invisible to the point Ive been wondering about deleting again. I really shouldn't and probably won't, I've already deleted the past, what, five blogs I've had since 2012? And there's people I love to see the work of but sometimes, most of the time, my interactions on social media leave me feeling wanting and isolated when they really should make me feel otherwise. I've tried to distance myself but at this point our society is so reliant on these digital commons that I feel more distant to the little remaining family I have if I don't have this.

Ultimately though family here's the real issue. Only a small section remains, the rest, as dramatic and exaggerated as it sound, has either backstabbed me or abused me or died, some wanting nothing to do with me because they don't care to get to know me and instead just prefer to assume I'm just like the parents that left me with the trauma related mental illnesses I've got.

I'm tired man. I'm so grateful for what I've got, I'm not as alone as I was four years ago and I'm grateful the little family I've got left took me in because otherwise I'd never have been able to cut my abusive father out of my life and would either have been forced to move back in with him or be homeless. I've got so much to be grateful for but I'm so goddamn. Jealous. I'm still an outsider here. I don't have the close family bonds my cousin's have as siblings, the strong relationship with their parents. I'm an adult now and I gotta find some way to be stable on my own and play catch-up for all the development I couldn't do while I was in survival mode for all my developmental years. I'm in some weird hellish limbo where the family I live with expects me to be one of them but I literally could physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, can't be. Our interests are so different. I'm not supposed to be there for the private conversations. I try to hang out in the common spaces and they'll change the conversation. Earlier some of my cousins were talking and one thought I was gone and said something about me and the other cousin said no, they're right behind you, and they changed the conversation. I was zoning in on what I was eating so I don't even know what the first one said but it put a bad taste in my mouth so I left. Worried they were about to start talking about me behind my back. Doesn't help that I'm constantly noticing signs of my potentially undiagnosed autism. My cousin's partners are more in the loop than I am which i guess makes sense but just reminds me of how I'm some outsider here, oil and water and all that. They have a family group chat everyone's in and that makes me feel like an outsider too. I know I'm like. A relative and they might want those private spaces so I never said anything Abt it but apparently they tried to add me and it didn't work because they're apple and I'm android. I don't know how true it is or if they just didn't bother trying or troubleshooting. I think my cousin's care less for my being here, my Aunt's the nicest to me. But also ive realized that they're all VERY good at hiding their emotions. So really they could just be pretending to like me. Some other family members were causing trouble on Christmas day and everyone was cordial and friendly the next day when just hours later when the guests left they ranted about them for hours. What if the same is of me when I'm not there? Constant cycle of isolate -> my isolation is making me more distant from my family and they're probably judging me about it -> try to interact more and get reminded of how I'll never be one of them and will never have what they have -> isolate

I'm deleting this later. Probably. I know I should not share this much online but my therapist is out for the holidays and I don't have anyone to talk to about this that would get it.

[astralunar]

damn wtf i gotta choose a better guy

(teenage drama, angst, yeah yeah yeah)

so. first boyfriend. first love. blah blah random ass teenager shit ill get over him yeah yeah. you see. he was a fucking asshole. however. i was too. going in this was never a good idea.

but we did.

let's talk about how i'm a hopeless romantic with 0 prior experience and trouble expressing my feelings.

this guy:

had me start all the conversations

never bothered reaching out

is blunt to the extreme

emotional responses include anger and apathy. that's it. he never fucking cries and i can count the amount he did on this year and that's three.

anyway let's get to the teenage angst shit.

so i made him cry the second time.

i will never forgive myself honestly because goddamn was that terrible

but i guess the best way to let me down slowly was to

try to make it work

clearly start distancing himself most times

when i start to as well he caught me back in

now me being a wishful thinker would cloud myself in delusion over and over and over again, knowing it was over yet hoping for a shred of a chance

yeah anyway he started a break (while intending to rip off the bandaid he changed his mind)

now whats the best way to do such a thing?

a. break up

b. 'break' while holding 0 love anymore and hoping that i drift away while claiming it was to spare my feelings

that month was agony honestly

because theyd been trying to add a new girl to the friend group and uh theyd been talking

like nonstop

24/7

now the thing is

he never ever did this shit with me

all i wanted the entire duration of the relationship was for us to talk

even if he didn't start a convo

and setting aside the fact that he had begun to serenade her and call her his #1 before breaking it off (not to mention the fact he told me not to worry about it)

with that girl

he proved:

he could indeed start a conversation (he mentioned starting every single one of them)

he could actually care enough to carry on said conversation

he in fact gave 0 shits about what i was feeling and was hoping i would break it off myself (he told me the latter)

he could care

he didn't start conversations with me

or care about what i was up to

or anything like that

i assumed my problems were just

him

and that me trying to change him was wrong (well yeah)

but HE DID IT FOR HER

WHY NOT ME

maybe i made a mistake

my ideal person i guess would be someone who fucking talks to me and bothers starting a conversation. that's it. someone to talk to.

he did not.

anyway i resent this girl (it is undeserved)

because hes

shown he cared more for her than he ever did me

is actually fucking good with her

when everyone was making jokes that she would replace me instead of going 'no you won't be replaced' he went 'she won't replace you she's so much better she'll take your spot and make it better because there isn't even a contest'

defending her when he never even bothered with me

i know she's better. i know she's prettier and kinder and nicer. i know she's an introvert unlike me. i know you get along so much fucking better with her. i know that she's quiet unlike me who can never shut up. who everyone needs a fucking break from. who's always fucking negative.

i know you're perfect. athletic. funny. compassionate. passionate. yet introverted. and lonely. and no matter how much i fucking despise you i hate seeing you lonely.

you two are perfect together. and i wish you would rot in hell. and i know that i don't want that.

the relationship was over the summer and fully online. i never got to hug him. she gives him those hugs. she lives the dream of everything i wanted. everything. his attention. his words. his care.

we fought. i pissed him off. so much. he deserved better and got it.

but fuck, man, couldn't you have ended it before she was your number 1?

before you gave her everything i wanted from you?

before you showed that you COULD fucking do it?

i always asked him how his day was and we'd listen to music together.

there were one or two perfect days in which we talked so much.

over months. only those few days.

two weeks of golden happiness and i fuck it up.

he could make me euphoric immediately.

'how was your day' i'd text.

'eh'

and i tried to converse from there.

do you know how euphoric even a single 'how was yours?' was?

the bare minimum expected?

absolutely nothing to anyone else but everything to me?

and he really didn't care about me did he.

he was my everything.

and i would have died for him.

and i'd still do anything. anything.

but he just wants to go back to being friends

erase everything that happened

as if i never even mattered to him at all

and he has the gall to say he still fucking cared

go back to your number 1

care for her like you never did me

and i hope you fucking hurt.

my solace was the fact i ruined his fucking music.

all of my favorites i gave to him and he ruined.

everything in my life was worth nothing.

my music.

my love.

my affection.

of which i showered him with everything i could give and more than i had

and when i failed to send him clingy messages at 3 in the morning

because he never particularly cared

or when i didn't reply to a single one of his i love yous

after i said it multiple times over

insecurities over whether i loved him or not

though it was always me trying to delude myself back into love

hundreds of songs ruined by our love

my place in the group feels wrong due to it

him moving on and wanting me to break it off

getting with some girl he clearly cared about more within 2 weeks

when i bring it up

he laughs and says 'technically 1 month and 2 weeks'

as if correcting it makes it worse

as if just to say 'i really was just waiting for it to be over'

thanks asshole

i know i hurt you

i know i pissed you off

but goddamn i hate you

but i dont want you alone again

alone like you always were

but now you have her don't you

as you two live my wildest dreams

i sit alone

with the knowledge i broke my first love into the ground

and now

i do not know what to do

eh

uwah~ so angsty