#every time i've turned around this week . a Situation occurs

[ratcandy]

anyway does anyone want to get over here and drop a huge anvil on my head

[bananayuyu]

Lust is in the Air

Pairing: Hongjoong x f reader

Genre: smut

Word count: 6.4k

Summary: Your best friend drags you along to a family wedding, wanting to add some fun to your all too serious life. Turns out her uncle is the one who really provides the distraction.

Warnings: smut, MDNI, age gap (Hongjoong is 40 reader is 23), some talk during sex about the age gap so really don't read this if you don't like that, some dom/sub dynamics, throat fucking, degradation and praise, bratty y/n, use of pet names (baby, doll), ass eating, anal, unprotected sex

A/n: Sometimes I see a random video of him and I'm reminded all over again how hot I think a very mature Hongjoong would be. Especially if he was mocking me and making me feel pathetic. Yeah this was pure horny, quite filthy for me. This isn't as proofread as my normal stuff so apologies for any mistakes

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Well, maybe it was a good idea. You had been staying in every weekend since the breakup, and maybe being forced out of the house would be good for you. Force you to interact with a few people, to actually put some effort into your appearance. Maybe put on a little makeup, or actually brush your hair.

"Please don't say no," Beatrice says through the phone. "My family would love it if you came, and I'd love it if you came. And we haven't had a chance to spend a weekend like this in forever. There will be free food and free booze!"

"I know you're worried about me, Bea," you respond, sighing.

"I'm not inviting you out of pity," she says.

"I know, I know. Just, give me some time to think it over. I've got an assignment I need to finish for one of my classes, I think it's due this Sunday night. So if I can't finish it this week I'll need to do it this weekend," you reply.

"Okay, just text me. I'm not gonna invite anyone else as my plus one, if you don't end up coming. So no rush, take your time," she says.

"Thank you. You know I appreciate you so much," you say, sighing into the cushion of your couch.

"You know I feel the same," she says, sighing too. You'd both been through breakups recently. It seemed like your hardships always occurred on nearly the same timeline, making you both able to rely on each other for understanding. And she knew getting you out of the house, especially for a weekend wedding, would be good for you. Her cousin's family was rich and hadn't held back in their planning, booking the fanciest hotel in town for everyone. They were paying for everything; the food and drinks of course, and everyone's hotel expenses. You'd knew you'd go. You'd try to finish the assignment beforehand. But even if you didn't, you'd still go.

Driving up to the front of the hotel together felt surreal. Beatrice had asked to take your car, as it wasn't the bright purple color that her's was. This place was fancy, and though neither of your cars were deluxe, at least your's was black.

"Miss McArthur?" the valet asked once you rolled your window down.

"Yeah, that's me," Beatrice said from the passenger seat, reaching over you to hand him her ID. "This is my plus one, y/n. She should be on the list."

After a brief look at his clipboard the man gave you both a satisfied nod. "Do you ladies have any bags we can carry up for you?" he asked.

"Yes, in the trunk," Beatrice answered for you, which you were grateful for. You'd never interacted with a valet before, never been in such a fancy situation in your life. You stumbled out of the car a bit awkwardly, your jean shorts and t-shirt looking ridiculous next to the suit and tie of the man in front of you. He held out his hand to you and for a moment you paused, wondering if he was offering to take your hand. But then you realized he was actually offering to take your keys. Duh.

"Thank you," you said quickly, heading around the car to meet Bea as you walked behind the man carrying your bags.

On the sixth floor you entered your shared room, a spacious and beautifully decorated space with a huge window covering the far wall. It was a sliding glass door, that led out to a balcony overlooking the river below. In the afternoon sun the water glittered, but you knew the view at night would be the real show, absolutely magical.

"Everyone is meeting in the restaurant at 7," Bea tells you, glancing at her family's group chat.

"Well then I've got a little over two hours to make myself look at least a little bit nice. Like maybe I actually belong here," you laugh, opening your bag to grab the casual dress you'd packed.

"Oh dinner tonight won't be fancy, wear whatever," Bea replies, kicking off her sandals.

"Okay but, with your cousins family not fancy would still probably be a little fancy, right?" you ask.

"You don't need to worry about fitting in, dude. No one will care," Bea replies.

"I just don't want to look like an idiot," you say, eyeing her.

"Y/n, you really need to stop worrying. This weekend is about us having fun. I'm not even that close with my cousin Amana, to be honest. We'll probably barely interact with her family. But we get to attend this fancy wedding, all expenses paid. Just wear whatever you feel like, do whatever you want to. Just promise me you'll have some fun," she says.

"Okay, fine," you respond, rolling your eyes jokingly. "I guess I'll try to enjoy this super nice luxury hotel for the weekend."

Bea laughs in relief, at hearing you joke around. It was what you both needed more of; you both had serious work and school lives already to contend with. And seriously disappointing dating lives, too.

As seven approaches you both make your way to the elevator, pausing at you exit the door to inspect the slight amount of makeup you'd put on. You hadn't worn any in weeks and it made you feel really pretty, along with the flowly sundress and sandals you'd decided to wear. You weren't always one for such feminine clothing but today it felt right, and you both bounced down the hall, spirits high. Bea led the way through the lobby to a long hallway, past what looked like a bar and some other room that had a bouncer, to the large restaurant at the end. Immediately you saw the long tables lined up, clearly set up for the wedding party. This wasn't the dress rehearsal, just the welcome dinner. It was only Friday, and the wedding wasn't until Sunday. Immediately you spotted the wine and appetizers filling the table, scanning the tables to try to find your seats.

"I can't find us Bea," you laugh, awkwardly walking past family members you'd never met before.

"Y/n, you're at our table," you hear a familiar female voice say, and turn to see Bea's mom.

"Oh, hi! Thank you!" you say as you walk over to her, giving her a quick hug.

"So glad you could join us sweetie," she says, gesturing to your seats. "See, you and Beatrice are near the end there, across from Nathan. Oh and have you met Beatrice's uncle Hongjoong before?" she asks, gesturing down the table.

You look down to see Beatrice sitting, pulling her chair under her and smiling wide. Across from her, in a casual but fitted grey t-shirt, a man smiles back, handing her a glass of wine he's just poured. He is striking, with jet black hair and tattoos, piercings donning his right ear. His jaw is sharp, his teeth perfect when he smiles. He looks maybe 27, 28. He's wearing an expensive watch, or at least a watch that looks expensive to your eyes, and a small simple chain necklace. His hair is cropped short at the sides; he looks so put together, so professional. So mature. So fucking attractive.

"That's Bea's uncle?" you ask her. It's not just his age that makes you ask. It's the fact that he's basically your dream come true. You see the muscles in his arm flex as he pours Nathan a glass too, and it makes your eyes cross for a moment.

"Well technically I think he's a second cousin, once removed, or something like that. He's a part of Wooyoung's family." Wooyoung was her husband, Bea's dad. You'd met her parents, and her brother Nathan, but never anyone else in her extended family. And you struggled to recall ever hearing about a Hongjoong before. You stared at him a moment before he moved his eyes over to you, catching you off guard. His look was mischievous, like he wants to play or mess with you. It made it hard to believe this was someone Bea called 'uncle.'

"Do you want to sit?" Bea's mom asked you.

"Yeah, sorry," you smiled at her, making you way down.

"Y/n! This is my uncle Hongjoong, and Hongjoong, this is y/n," Beatrice says as you pull out your seat next to her.

"Very nice to meet you," he says with an outstretched hand, his handshake strong and confident in a way that makes your body tingle.

"You as well," you reply, with a bashful smile. Immediately Bea asks you a question and you respond on auto-pilot, not even really hearing. Because your head is swimming in water just from being in this man's presence, and you can't focus. You don't even notice the glass of wine he'd poured you until he sets it down by your appetizer plate, gently bumping the stem on the rim of the plate to make a gentle clink. The sound makes your eyes snap up, and for some reason he looks amused.

"Oh, thank you," you say to him, bowing your head slightly. That mischievous smirk is back on his face when you lock eyes again, like he's trying to tell you something, but you can't be sure what it is. You certainly hope he's thinking what you're thinking. God, he's fucking stunning.

Those are the only words you speak to each other for the entirety of dinner. With so many people in attendance the restaurant is loud, louder still as everyone becomes tipsy, and then outright drunk on the unlimited wine.

"Hey, my parents want me a Nathan to go take pictures with them on the golf course nearby. They booked a photo shoot or something," Bea tells you, rolling her eyes slightly. "I'm not sure when we'll be back but feel free to like, go to the hot tub or do whatever around the hotel," she says.

"Okay, sounds good. Thank you, seriously," you say as you hug her. "I hope it's fun."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be," she laughs. "My parents and their family photos," she shakes her head, making you giggle, as she slowly makes her way to meet her brother at the front door of the restaurant.

You take stock of yourself for a moment, making sure you have your phone and your wallet in your purse, making sure your room key is still in your wallet. You take the last swig of your second glass of wine, patting yourself on the back for not overdoing it this first night when basically everyone around you did. You start sipping on your nearly empty glass of water too, knowing you don't want to wake up hungover tomorrow. The table is basically empty, with everyone slowly clearing out or making their last requests at the bar. You decide you'll go explore in a moment, go scope out the pool and hot tub situation, and maybe see if you can figure out what room is behind that bouncer. But just as you start standing up, Hongjoong approaches the table.

"I got some more waters for the table, but it looks like they've all left," he chuckles, his arms full.

"They went to do a family photo, Bea said," you reply, stuck for a moment awkwardly between sitting and standing. Hongjoong nods, like he already knew.

"Oh, were you about to leave too? Don't let me keep you," he says, the glint back in his eye again.

"I was thinking I'd go take a look at the pool and hot tub, maybe explore a bit," you say. It sort of takes you by surprise that you're sharing this with a total stranger, given your usual instinct to not share anything with people you don't know. You easily could have excused yourself, and been exploring the hotel alone. But deep down you know why you're sharing it. You hope he picks up on that reason, too.

"That's a great idea," he says, gently setting the waters down. "Mind if I join you? I was thinking of exploring the hotel some myself."

Bingo. You smile, eyes fluttering at him for a second. You truly don't even mean to do it, but the way he looks at you has you feeling shameless.

"Sure, I wouldn't mind," you reply, stepping out from your chair and gently pushing it into the table.

"Want to take a water with you?" he asks, holding one out.

"I don't think we can just take the glass with us," you reply, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Oh, who cares," he says glancing over his shoulder, seeing all of the wait staff occupied at the bar with everyone's last minute orders. "I'll carry it out, if you're that worried," he says, cocking his head slightly to the side and eyeing you with what must be mock pity.

"Fine," you roll your eyes at him, trying to fight the smile forming on your face from betraying how much his tone and facial expression are affecting you. You turn around and start strolling out of the restaurant, not even waiting for him. Once you're exiting he's already caught up, two water glasses in hand. You turn to your right, heading for the lobby.

"Wrong way, y/n," Hongjoong says lowly from behind you, making you stop in your tracks. "The pool is out those doors at the end of the hall."

"The sign in the lobby says the door to the pool is by the front desk," you reply, looking over your shoulder at him. The hallway is dimly lit, and the shadows on his face make his jaw look even sharper.

"Well that door also leads to the pool," he says, gesturing to the end of the hall. You just stare at him a moment, not sure why you feel the instinct to argue. "You don't believe me?" he asks, chuckling and looking you dead in the eye, before obviously snaking his gaze down the entirety of your body. Now that he's standing you see the fitted black pants and black dress shoes he's wearing, making his outfit look even more professional. His thighs look strong, and his stance is one of confidence, his entire demeanor cool and collected. You want to come up with a witty retort but can't think of anything, so you just start walking the way he's said to, again passing him by without slowing down to meet him. You open the doors gently but don't stop to hold them for him, brattiness taking ahold of you. Maybe it's the fancy hotel, or the wine, but you feel like a princess who deserves whatever she wants. And right now that's to piss Hongjoong off a bit, and see the pool.

"I thought nice girls hold doors open for the elderly," he says once he's exited too, sidling up to you. You stand by the long edge of the pool, taking in the lights below the surface that dance through the water. You turn to him and roll your eyes, taking the water glass he offers you immediately. "So, what do you do?" he asks.

"I'm still in school, I'm in my senior year," you say, turning back to the water. "And I work part time as an administrative assistant in the Dean's office, to help cover some of my tuition."

"College senior," he says, like he's mulling it over. "So that makes you how old?"

"Guess," you say, turning to him again, this time with your whole body.

"22," he replies. His voice low, like he's hesitant to say it.

"Close, 23," you say, not lowering your voice to meet his.

"And how old do you think I am?" he asks you, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Mmm, like, 38?" you joke, squinting your eyes as you look intently at his face. The feeling of wanting to piss him off still hadn't left you.

"How astute," he replies, nodding. "People usually think I'm younger."

"You're actually 38?" you ask, bewildered.

"Actually, 40," Hongjoong replies, making your eyebrows shoot up.

"You're lying," you say, rolling your eyes and shaking your head at him.

"Wow, second time tonight you've thought that. I don't know what I've done to make you think so poorly of me," he replies, that mischievous look again painting his face.

"Oh, shut up," you say, rolling your eyes harder this time, wanting to reach out and playfully punch him. Or maybe not so playfully. He's looking more and more perfect by the second, and his attitude, the way he's just so confident and calm, is making you hot and bothered. You know it maybe it's wrong, but now that you know his real age you find this whole scenario even hotter. If you were honest with yourself you'd always dreamed of fucking an older man, but the few you'd gone on dates with or had the chance to talk to had always been so immature, insecure, and underwhelming. Just like all the other guys you'd dated. It was a massive disappointment to learn that age didn't often give people that self-assured demeanor that you so desired. But clearly it did sometimes; the proof was standing in front of you.

"That wasn't very nice," Hongjoong replies, fixing you with a look of disapproval that makes your thighs clench involuntarily, as the two of you stare each other down merely feet apart. You hold his gaze as long as you can before you look down at your feet, his stoic demeanor feeling like a brick wall you can't break through.

"You're very pretty, y/n," he says, stepping forward to lift your face up to his.

"Really?" you ask him, eyes wide. Playing it just the way he likes.

"I know you know how pretty you are, you've been giving me those eyes all night," he says, looking like he disapproves. "You're a bit of brat, too, aren't you?" he asks, his hand moving to the side of your cheek.

"No comment," you giggle, and he grabs your hand, bringing it to his upper arm. You grab onto his bicep as he moves his hand to your waist pulling you two closer.

"Dance with me," he says, pulling you slightly into his chest.

"There isn't any music playing," you say, laughing. And it's the way that he doesn't just automatically laugh at your little comments that really gets you going.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't like me very much," he says seriously, pulling you in and starting to rock you back and forth. You dance together for a few minutes, no words being exchanged as your bodies get used to the proximity, as your mind begins to swim again, even more so now that his hands are on you. You want him to kiss you, do anything, now, but he keeps his hands where they are, still leading you around in slow circles. Fuck it, you think. You lift your hands to his face and pull him in, your lips meeting in a perfect kiss, his hand on your waist moving up your back as he holds you to him, leaning you back as he deepens it. You hold steadily onto his bicep for balance, your breathing fast as you stick your tongue in his mouth, not hiding your desperation. You don't care to, not when you've spent two months without this feeling, tortured over the idea that no one at your school would ever consider you an option after your last relationship ended the way it did.

And just when it seems like you're the only desperate one, Hongjoong moves his hands down, running them up your thighs and under your dress to find your panties. He finds none, much to his surprise, which makes his dick harden even further. He gropes your ass, deepening the kiss more, making you arch your back in neediness. And then he snakes his hand around, slowly moving to your core, before suddenly running a finger over your slit, making you gasp. You've forgotten where you are, totally engrossed in the feelings he's giving you. You buck your hips against his hand, moaning pathetically into his mouth, your legs feeling like they might give out on you. He starts circling your entrance, finally pushing one finger in maybe an inch, when you finally remember where you are.

"Wait, fuck, not out here," you say, pulling back from him. He pulls his hand away immediately, his fingers glistening in the lights of the night.

"You don't want everyone to see?" he asks, a smirk on his face.

"Not when the people paying for me to be here could see," you say. Your lips look swollen and wet from the kiss, and it makes him want to grab you again.

"You're the one who kissed me," he says, his voice low. And you know there's more he's implying, that you weren't just the one who kissed him but that you had rocked against his hand, had wanted his touch. That you'd kissed him desperately, making him unable to stop himself. The implication is inappropriate, the accusation he's laid on you not fair in the slightest. He has no way of knowing what you were trying to make him do, or what you wanted to happen. You hadn't said a word. And yet, he's totally right, making it hard for you to respond.

"That's-," you sigh, your pussy still throbbing from your proximity.

"My room is on the 7th floor," he says.

"Okay," you reply. It's all you can say. You stand completely still, stuck to the spot, waiting for him to move. Instead he puts his wet fingers in his mouth, sucking off your slick in one smooth motion, humming in satisfaction. Your mouth gapes at his lewdness, struck now by just how visible you both obviously are.

"Let's go," he says, motioning his head towards the door.

Your legs move automatically, your mind playing over and over the visual of him licking his fingers, the look of utter bliss on his face. As you walk the hallway he comes behind you, putting a hand on the small of your back, making your body melt into him slightly. It feels good but you gently remove his hand, not wanting anyone to see. You pray that neither Bea nor any of her family are in the lobby when you enter, and thankfully, your prayers are answered. Nor does anyone join you two on the elevator, which makes you willing to stand closer to Hongjoong than you would any other stranger. But still, you don't touch him. As you both exit you walk behind him, almost enough space between you that you could believably look like two total strangers, walking to separate rooms. Until he unlocks his door, holding it open as you slip inside, like you're really not supposed to be in here.

As soon as he closes the door he's pulled you to him, his back slamming into the wall as you nearly crash together, the air between you thick with lust.

"I'm almost twice as old as you, y/n," he whispers in your ear, feeling your pussy clench against his thigh that you're straddling, your mouth on his neck. "You like that," he states, not even asking you anymore. "You like that I'm way too old for you. Too old to be touching you like this."

It's wrong, so wrong and you know it, but the further he pushes it the more you're surrendering to what's happening, to what your body truly craves.

"You've never been fucked right by those stupid boys at your college, have you? You need me to fuck you right, to show you how good you can feel. That's why you were bratty with me, you wanted me to be riled up. Want me to fuck you hard, like I'm mad. Like I'm punishing you," he growls, his breathing heavy as you bite down on his neck, sending sparks of pain and pleasure through his head. "Fuck, you really want me mad, don't you?" he asks and you whine in response, your whole body tingly with anticipation.

"Get on your knees," he says, pulling you back from him, your hair already a mess from his hands, the straps of your dress falling down your shoulders and nearly making your tits spill out. "Open your mouth," he commands, and you follow immediately, your wide eyes looking up at him in desire, his thumb running over your bottom lip. "I like when you do what I say," he says, pinching your cheek and making you blush, the praise making your insides turn to jelly. He unzips his pants smoothly, undoing the button and swiftly pulling out his hard cock, the tip a slight shade of red and already leaking slightly.

"Look what you did to me," he says, palming himself, your tongue nearly falling out of your mouth as you salivate over his beautiful cock. "I thought for a moment I'd have to come up here and deal with this all on my own, after you eye-fucked me all dinner," he continues, slowly stroking his length, moving closer to your open and waiting lips. "I should have known you weren't wearing any panties from the way you were acting," he says, gently running his tip along your outstretched tongue, spreading your spit around your face with it and making a mess of you. "No bra, no panties. You wanted to be fucked tonight." Slowly he enters your mouth, gently holding your head as he pushes further in, gently tapping the back of your throat and making you gag. You moan, your pussy clenching around nothing, wanting him to fill all of your holes at once. "That feels good, doesn't it. Gagging on my cock," he smirks, your eyes fluttering closed as he pushes in again, this time a little harder. "Eyes on me baby, don't look away," he says, slowly beginning to fuck your throat, gently enough not to choke you but deep enough to make you repeatedly gag, your spit covering his cock and running down your chin, your face a complete mess. "Fuck, your mouth feels good," he groans, his face scrunching up in pleasure for a moment, before he looks down to meet your eyes again, which are now glued to him, glued to every change in his expression, every flick of his tongue across his bottom lip. "I'm gonna go harder baby, I know you can take it," he warns you before picking up his pace, his cock nearly bottoming out in your mouth as he holds your head in place, repeatedly fucking into your throat. You're automatically swallowing around him, your body's reflexive actions taking over. "Fuck, so good," Hongjoong sighs, your head feeling light from the lack of oxygen and your body swimming in pleasure. You could let him use your throat all night if he wanted to, especially if he keeps talking to you like that. Like you're dumb and you don't even know what you want. Like he has to tell you or you'll never figure it out.

Finally you choke hard, your body instinctively pulling you back, and he pulls out of your mouth letting you catch you breath, stroking a hand through your hair. You run a hand across your mouth, trying in vain to clean yourself up a bit, wiping the saliva on your dress and staring up at him open mouthed, your entire body covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Hey, don't ruin this," he says pulling at your dress, moving behind you to help take it off. He slowly undoes the zipper, gently pulling the straps down and off your arms before helping you stand to step out of it. Completely bare, you stand in front of him, his hand coming up to spank you, grabbing your ass hungrily in his hand. You yelp at the impact, like you weren't expecting it. Like you hadn't been sticking your ass out ever so slightly, arching your back to add to the affect. "Don't write checks you can't cash, doll," he says, making you giggle and turn your head to face him, a look of utter delight on your face. "It really makes you happy when I scold you, doesn't it," he says, staring you down.

"Why are you so clothed?" you ask, finding your words.

"You want to see me naked?" he teases.

"Just seems like you're hiding something. Maybe under all that nice clothing you're really not that built," you laugh, knowing it would strike a nerve. It wasn't hard to tell that he cared about his figure.

"Go sit on your hands on the bed," he retorts, his eyes narrowing, as he starts taking off his watch, undoing the clasp on his chain. He sets both down on the table gently, pulling his shirt over his head next, revealing that most of his abdomen is also covered in tattoos, his broad shoulders and broad chest. Slowly he sits on the side of the bed to untie his shoes, periodically looking up at you to make sure you haven't moved, moving almost comically slow. You wriggle in anticipation, watching him slowly reveal himself, his muscular thighs finally on display to you as he pulls down his pants and boxers, his cock hard and a deeper shade of red now, still glistening from your spit.

"Lay on your stomach," he says, moving over you when you oblige, raking the hair out of your face so he can see you. "This is what you get for sticking your ass out," he says, swiftly moving down to lick over your hole, making you gasp at the coldness of his tongue. Immediately the feeling runs to your clit, your entire crotch alive with pleasure, your back arching instinctively to meet his movements. He spreads your cheeks to get better access, moving his tongue in quick circles around your tight entrance, your body slowly relaxing from the pleasure he's providing.

And suddenly he's off of you, reaching into his bedside drawer and pulling out a bottle, swiftly lubing the fingers of his right hand and moving them to your waiting hole, gently pushing one in. You groan, the tight muscles stretching already, your body arching even further to give him the perfect angle as he gently starts pumping in and out of you.

"You like getting your ass eaten, I knew you would. So dirty," he says, making you whine in agreement, your brows scrunched together in pleasure. Soon he adds another finger, the stretch again making you groan, your body instinctively tightening up at the intrusion. "I know you can take it," he says, not even attempting to comfort you. "Don't brats like getting their asses fucked?" he asks, his words making your clit ache, your body finally releasing again as he works you open with two fingers, taking the opportunity to quickly add another. "I knew it," he says, satisfied with how quickly he's stretched you open, how pliant your body is in his hands, how he's getting exactly what he wants from you. Still fucking you with his fingers, he opens the lube bottle again with his other hand, generously dousing his achingly hard cock. Gently he pulls his fingers out of you, frozen for a moment staring at the way your hole has opened up, nearly drooling from the visual.

"Spread you legs," he says, pushing your knees apart himself, pulling you ass up towards him, just where he wants you. Lining himself up, he slowly pushes in, the stretch even more severe this time, making you whine in pain, your breaths short and stifled with your head now shoved into his pillows. "What, you can't take it? Is it too big?" he asks, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "My little brat can't take my cock in her ass?"

Tears start forming in your eyes from how turned on you are, the pain a secondary feeling as it all starts to feel just right, as it starts morphing into only pleasure as your muscles finally relent. You feel like you're being split open, like you're opened up more than ever before, like he's gutting you from the inside. Finally he bottoms out, reaching into you further than you thought you could feel, your clit throbbing painfully with need.

"Fuck, you're so tight," he groans from above you, brushing a hand along your cheek in an almost sweet gesture, seeing the single tear stain on your cheek. He waits a moment, waiting to feel if your body is ready, and suddenly your hips are moving into his like your body is begging him to move. He slowly pulls out, almost all the way, then thrusts back in, making you gasp at the intense pleasure, your breath nearly getting caught in your throat. Grabbing your hips he starts forcefully thrusting, chasing his own pleasure as he's sucked into your ass, the tight muscles threatening to make him come in an instant. Desperate for some relief you move your hand to your clit, desperately trying to circle it as he rocks you hard with the force of his thrusts. His eyes are glued to your ass, glued to the way his cock looks buried inside you, and your face, the way your mouth hangs permanently open as you moan in earnest, clearly not controlling a single sound that is coming out. The raw sounds make him fuck into you even harder, the way you sound so pathetically fucked out, like you can't believe this feels so good. Eventually his eyes roam down again and spot your hand, swatting it away in an instant, his anger boiling up again.

"Is my cock not enough?" he scolds, his voice gravelly from breathing so raggedly, the air in the room stiflingly hot. In this position it's hard, but quickly he finds a good angle and lands a sharp smack on your clit, the pain lancing through your core like lightning, and suddenly your whole body is shaking, your nerves completely on fire. "Even with my cock buried in your ass you want to piss me off, don't you?" His voice is raised, nearly to the point of losing control, but still very calculated. He lands another sharp slap on your clit, this time not as hard, but in an instant your orgasm washes over you, your whole body shaking hard as you squeeze down around his cock making it hard for him to keep moving.

"Fuck, baby, shit," Hongjoong curses, his climax hitting him by surprise, his cock milked by your tight walls squeezing down on him, your body taught with just how hard you came. His orgasm crashes over him fast and hard, his body going limp just after yours does, as you both collapse in a pile on the bed, his cum coating the walls of your ass in silky wetness. Your legs are still shaking, tucked up underneath you, his cock still buried deep inside. The position is awkward but you don't even feel it, the pleasure still rippling through you as you breath hard into the soft pillow. Hongjoong crashes onto your back, his arms instinctively wrapping around you, his chest and stomach rapidly rising and falling from his heavy breathing. His skin feels sticky and hot against yours, his hot breath fanning over your cheek as he plants a kiss there, intently watching your face as you come down.

"I'm gonna pull out now, okay?" he asks, eliciting a hum of agreement from you. Slowly he pulls backwards, his cum spilling out of you the moment he's pulled out entirely, spilling down your ass cheek onto the bedsheets. Hongjoong makes his way to the bathroom, quickly cleaning himself up before grabbing a washcloth for you, dousing it in luke warm water. Coming back to the bed he gently moves you onto your back, to the side of the pool of cum. He gently wipes you down, making you moan when he brushes over your clit, making himself chuckle.

Glancing over at the clock beside his bed you see it's nearly 11pm, your mind spinning. Quickly you move to the ground to rummage through your purse, glancing at your phone to see a text from Beatrice reading 'I'm back now, don't stay out too late miss.'

Be back soon, you write back.

"I should be going," you say, trying to stand up, your wobbly legs making it difficult. Hongjoong is at your side in a moment, stabilizing you, helping you to sit down on the bed while he grabs your dress off the floor. You hastily pull it over your head, running your fingers through your hair and feeling the knots that have formed. Quickly you zip the back of your dress, shove your phone in your purse and stand to slip on your sandals, not wanting to keep her waiting. The sudden quietness of Hongjoong also has you feeling slightly on edge, and really your head is just spinning, from every unexpected thing that happened.

"I'm not still mad, you know," he says gently, grabbing your hand as you move to breeze past him.

"Yeah?" you ask, looking at him with confusion.

"You don't need to still be acting like a kid who is in trouble," he says, kissing your hand. "That was just, that. You can talk to me like anyone else, now."

You eye him, swallowing thickly. What does one even say, now? Could he tell how inexperienced you were with hookups?

"I'm not sure what's going on in that pretty head of yours. I hope it's happy thoughts."

You nod, a smirk playing on your lips. You're speechless, unable to think a complete thought. It all just plays in your head, his tongue on your ass, his fingers stretching you out, his cock pounding into you so hard. And the smack on your clit, the way it made you come so fast, the ghost of the feeling still present in your core.

"Not those thoughts. You're gonna jump me again," he laughs, and finally you smack him, punching his arm soon afterwards. Pushing past him you walk fast, opening his door and spinning around, your eyes piercing as you meet his.

"What, you can't take my teasing?" he asks, but suddenly his door swings shut, your face gone in a flash.

As you saunter down the hall to the elevator you feel fucking amazing, swinging your purse over your shoulder and flipping your hair to the side, your sleepy eyes boring holes into the metal doors.

Well, she did tell you to have some fun. You just hoped Beatrice wouldn't be too mad you fucked her uncle.

[readsaboutreid]

Aaaa!!! Lavender roses is so fucking sweet!!!

Absolutely adorable!

If I could request something where the reader works at the BAU, but in like the last week the reader has cone in with allergy symptoms, red itchy eyes and nose. And she's just feeling terrible, eventually Gideon or Hotch dismisses her fot a couple days, and Spencer's been worried as hell and goes to check up on her but it turns out she was given a cat by her friend, (the cat got dumped and the friend caught take care of it) but the reader is allergic but doesn't wanna give up the cat, sorta "I'll get used to it, it sucks nie but he's just a baby!!!" Vibes?

tysm! and Absolutely! I've lived this scenario out myself in slightly different settings so I can easily put myself into the situation lol I think one may be a bit shorter though if that's oki?

contains: fluff, concerned Spencer, kitties!, bau!reader

"Achoo!" Spencer heard the sneeze from the desk adjacent to his, the sixth sneeze he's heard in the past half hour. He looked over to (Y/N), who was sitting at her desk with a box of tissues she had opened just that morning, already now half empty.

"You, uh, you feeling okay, (Y/N)?" He tentatively asked her, his inner germaphobe screaming at the proximity he shared with her. Sure, she was very good about covering her nose and mouth each time she sneezed but the anxiety still raced through his veins, exacerbated by his concern for his friend's wellbeing.

"I'm fine, Spencer, nothing to worry about!" She attempted to sound chipper, but instead just sounded congested.

"You've sneezed 6 times in 28 minutes, 36 seconds! I'd say that's a little less than 'fine', if you ask me," he retorted, raising his eyebrows as he spoke.

"Well, it's a good thing you asked me, then, and not the other way around, isn't it?" She shot back with a light (but still congested) tone.

"Well if you ask me," interrupted the voice of Derek Morgan, loudly, "you're sick and you need to go home before we all end up sick."

"I'm not sick, it's just allergies, I swear—,"

"That's what people say in movies before big deadly disease outbreaks occur!" Penelope Garcia piped in from her spot leaning up against Morgan's desk.

"Well it's a good thing this is real life and not a movie, isn't it?" (Y/N) quipped before quickly reaching for a tissue before her next sneeze.

"Go home, (Y/L/N)," everyone's head turned as Hotch walked out of his office and called down to them. "You're sick and I don't need the entire team coming down with it. That's an order."

Defeated, (Y/N) sighed and gathered her things and left the bullpen.

Spencer walked out of the pharmacy with bags full of cold medicine, water bottles, Gatorade and Powerade (just in case she preferred one to the other), and underneath it all a container of warm chicken soup that he had made (he wasn't sure if it was any good, but he followed the recipe exactly as it was written so he hoped it was okay, at the very least). He knocked on (Y/N)'s door and nervously waited. He hoped he wasn't overstepping, it wasn't like they were dating or anything (although the two had been on one date about a month ago, the job getting in the way every time they'd try to arrange a second date, much to his chagrin).

The sound of the door unlocking pulled him out of his head and the door opened enough for (Y/N) to poke her head out, as if trying to keep him from seeing inside. "Oh, hey, Spencer! No, you little demon, shoo!"

"O-oh! Sorry," he began, "I was just gonna bring you some medicine and food but I can go if you're not feeling up to having anyone—"

"Oh god, no! I wasn't talking about you! I'm so sorry!" Her eyes widened in panic before she said, "here, why don't you come in and you'll see."

She opened the door a little wider and stepped back as he slid inside. And was immediately greeted with two small pairs of yellow eyes. "I, uh, I had a friend who found two kittens but couldn't afford to take them in." Her eyes were red and watery and she sniffled slightly. "Turns out I'm allergic to cats!"

"Oh! Do you need help finding someone to take them?" Spencer asked, recalling something Emily had said about maybe getting a cat. "Because Emily recently—"

"What?" She asked quickly. "Never! Why would I give them up?"

"Because you're clearly suffering?" He reasoned, a smile tugging at his lips at her (admittedly adorable) pout.

"I have an appointment with a doctor about allergy shots," she argued, "come on, you can't say you don't already love them!" She whined.

As they both began rubbing up against his legs he couldn't deny that maybe she had a point.

[taahko]

I just found your blog today can you please explain or point out a post that explains the MASH timeloop thing? I love the show but I've never heard anyone talk abt it that way before

oh yay hurray ive been waiting for an excuse to talk about this lmao sorry this is long

ok so basically maeve (my gf) and i started watching mash for the first time about a month ago and we started joking about it being like the characters were stuck in a time loop mostly because the same basic episode format is repeated over and over, because it's a sitcom from the 70s and the episodes arent meant to be watched en masse where you can start noticing all the little repetitions and plot holes and inconsistencies that naturally occur in longform tv

but then i started to pay attention to the dates being mentioned in the show - famously the korean war never technically ended, but american troops were involved in active on the ground fighting between 1950 and 1953, so the entire 11 seasons of mash have to be squeezed into that three year period. with 251 episodes occurring within 1,129 days, that gives every episode about 4.5 days of real time. so it works right? no time loop right? well wait a sec

for the first 5 seasons or so of mash they give very consistent dates about when things are happening. for example, bj arrives in korea in september of 1952, at the start of season 4. colonel potter arrives about a week after him, and talks about how he has 18 months left before his retirement. that gives us about 7 months for the shows final 7 seasons to take place in, meaning that by the episode 'point of view' in season 7 we should be around december of 1952. in that episode the pov character starts writing a letter home and in the corner he writes the date:

september of 1951. ok, could be that this episode isn't meant to take place in the regular timeline of the season - maybe for some reason its just like, a random flashback episode. but bj, charles, and potter are all present, even though none of them got to korea until 1952. now i KNOW that this is not like, the True Hidden Secret Lore of MASH, this is the writers realizing they were running out of road and turning back the clock a bit to accommodate for how long the show was running on. but play in my time loop space with me please

more talking points:

consistent jokes about time zones and how difficult it is to call the states because "our today is their yesterday but if you call them now it might not reach them until our tomorrow and by that point our yesterday will be their today"

hawkeye's increasing mania over the seasons and his conviction that the war will never end, comparing the camp to dante's inferno multiple times. maeve once pointed out that the closer hawkeye comes to realizing that he's trapped in a time loop the closer he gets to being institutionalized - and what does the series finale cold open onto ? hawkeye in a mental institution. the only way out is to lose yourself etc. sidenote frank also escaped the time loop by going insane and getting institutionalized

in a war for all seasons bj potter and charles are all present at the 1951 new years party as well as the 1952 new years party

there are three christmas episodes, two of which bj is present for even though he should only have spent one christmas in korea

details of people's families and lives shift around - sometimes potter's got multiple grandchildren, sometimes he only has one, sometimes its a girl, sometimes its a boy, sometimes she's 5, sometimes he's 2

we're not the first people to talk about this either, here's a good video compilation posted a couple yrs ago of time loop moments

overall ive been using the time loop thesis to add another layer to my mash viewing experience. it increases the already present sense of constant dread, anger, frustration, and disgust with their situation that the characters feel, plus it feels like a very poignant take on the united states' constant warmongering and violent existence. it really never ends, it just goes on an on. the future's been canceled by the war department- we're just gonna replay the past.

[seafoamreadings]

week of september 15th, 2024

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: it's eclipse week! most of that will happen without too much effort from you or even conscious awareness of it, which is probably going to suit you just fine. what you may be more aware of is the mars-nodal square around the same time. consider getting out of the house a bit, going somewhere for a change of scenery but without feeling too out of your element; the house of a close friend, a favorite place in nature, etc.

taurus: romantic dalliances may turn tumultuous if not actually sour this week, especially if not all has been above board. friendships can also get a little bit, let's say, interesting. use your good will as a defense; a little good karma never hurts. do your best not to act with malicious intent in any matter.

gemini: something puts you in the public eye with this eclipse, or at least under the scrutiny of a supervisor or someone in a similar role. this brings about changes, which hopefully are for the best! if all your action has been in alignment with your best self and highest goals, this goes well. otherwise, perhaps not.

cancerians: any eclipse is a big deal for you as the lunar creature you are. the full moon ones perhaps even more so. this one is in watery pisces, and can have you reconsidering or being forced to change academic pursuits, philosophies, and even deeply held spiritual beliefs. above all, don't try to hide or deny truths. be flexible as new information arises or events occur.

leo: i've said it before and i'll say it again, leos feel eclipses every bit as much as cancerians. you don't get a free pass by not being lunar, because you are the epitome of solar and the eclipse doesn't happen without the sun! this eclipse focuses on your resources, the ones you've shored up for yourself or were born with as well as the ones inherited, married into, or otherwise shared.

virgo: relationships are often a core theme for you due to neptune and saturn both long in your sign. this week it's all amplified and brought to a head by the lunar eclipse in pisces - which of course requires input from the sun in your sign. you don't have to be scared of eclipses, but don't expect things to still be the same after this week.

libra: although the eclipse is not directly involving your sign, the nodes of the moon are along the aries-libra axis. and mars is squaring them from your fellow cardinal sign of cancer. you do not have to act on the urge to Do Something, but you do need to heed it, take note of what it is telling you and how much comes from yourself vs what comes from expectations or fears. actions can come later; this week focus on stillness, patience, and collecting information. the eclipse will churn up plenty of it.

scorpio: as a fixed sign, chaos and volatility may not be your favorite vibe. but mars is in a position such that you can actually manipulate the situation in your favor. for one thing, while most people are uneasy about the unknown because it is scary, it also is full of hope - things might go horribly awry but... they also might go better than you ever dreamed of.

sagittarius: current high mutability is a blessing and a curse. you're so mutable yourself that in many ways it fits. on the other hand, anything you try to make stable and sturdy this time is likely to refuse to cooperate. just be as flexible and flowing as you can.

capricorn: mars in cancer is making many aspects all week, amidst a powerful lunar eclipse period. this creates a tense environment for you and yet that tension can certainly lead to a constructive decision or act (or several). take action, but avoid impulsivity.

aquarius: prominently featured this week are your resources, money, inheritances, and the taboo. this is an important time to see the sacred in the mundane, and even in the profane! be open to positive change even if it seems that things are sort of in shambles. and don't spend any more money, time, or energy than you absolutely critically need to. this is not a time to be doing excessive favors.

pisces: a lunar eclipse in your sign is of course the first order of business. this occurs over your self/others axis, so relationships and your self image and self concept are in the spotlight. or it might feel more like being an ant under a magnifying glass? at any rate, this is not all there is. so get your rest where you can get it. don't skimp on sleep, nutrition, or self care.

[mangoshorthand]

If we're insisting on a romantic plotline for Five set up in Season 3

Right. I've heard people saying that Five/Lila was set up from season 3. That all their banter was deliberate foreshadowing or something. Now, I'm not sure if that's something the writers said or if that's just people seeing banter and affection and then attributing it to romance with the benefit of foresight. (If it's the former, then it was set up extremely poorly and frankly I refuse to believe that was the plan).

So, if Five had to have a romance plot in s4, (as Blackman decreed) here's how I would have set it up from season 3 in a way that would hopefully not have seemed too weird/forced.

One of the main gripes people had about that season is that most of the Sparrows were introduced and then discarded quickly, so the introduction of a plotline in which Five has a dynamic with one of them might have gone some way towards helping with this.

Now, I know that pairing Five with a Sparrow is an overused fanfic trope that rarely plays well and it's kinda weird for TWO Hargreeves boys to pair up with their multiverese sisters, BUT we are living under Blackman-law and thus Aidan Gallagher must swap spit with someone as soon as possible after turning 18 so this is the best I have:

I would change/develop (and potentially recast) Jayme. Be prepared...this is long:

Personality/Background

She feels out of place in her family.

She hates the limelight and doesn't cooperate in their branding activities.

Even with Reggie drugged up, life feels just as shitty (maybe shittier) to her being under Marcus' regime.

She's been done with the whole sparrow academy thing since she was a kid and is fascinated by the somethings and nothings of ordinary life.

She has a tendency to 'run away' and do her own thing. The Sparrows see her as unreliable and selfish.

She's cynical and feels no loyalty to the Sparrows as a whole, but she does have personal loyalty to Sloane and Alphonso.

You could put her in the wrong/younger body like Five, which could also be leveraged to put distance between herself and the other sparrows, but I also think that would be too convenient a plot contrivance to play well on screen.

I would keep Season 3's plot largely similar, just with the addition of a friendship between Five and Jayme:

S3 E1+2

Initial fight

Five and Jayme have the same initial fight scene with a little more prominence. It goes roughly the same way but perhaps add a bit more interaction/smack talk between them.

Bar Room conversion

At the point Five is first wearing his retirement outfit, a situation occurs that sees he and Jayme sitting at the bar of the hotel obsidian. There are few hard feelings about the fight. They grouse a little and rub along well even though Five clearly thinks she's a spy.

They get onto the kiss with hallucinatory Delores and Five's whole story comes out.

Jayme thinks the peace and quiet of the apocalypse sounds kind of nice (a notion he thoroughly disabuses her of).

She finds herself oddly touched by Five's devotion to getting home to his family, although she can't really fathom doing the same and finds it hilarious that he continues to insist that she must be a spy because they're her family.

Jayme tells a story of being a child and hiding in the mansion and playing house in a little den where nobody could find her. It was her escape. When she got older, she used to escape the mansion and hitchhike around the country for weeks at a time, enjoying a slice of ordinary life.

Five asks her why she came back every time instead of staying away. She can't answer him, but the answer is obvious to him: she too loves her family and doesn't really know how to live in the real world beyond her childhood 'playing house' in her den.

She strikes back that it takes one to know one, and Five concedes this.

But her story chimes with Five, and this is what catalyses his retirement/roadtrip arc with Klaus.

S3 E3-6

Five is pretty busy so they don't interact again until E7. BUT...

The bar room conversation with Five pricks Jayme's conscience and she throws herself into trying to find Marcus and protecting her family.

The confrontation with Harlan goes similarly except Jayme doesn't die and she is instead devastated about Alphonso's death, making her one of the fiercest advocates for killing Harlan. She's angry that Allison did it and she couldn't.

S3 E7

Before trapping the Kugelblitz in Christoper

Jayme lashes out at Five/all of them. Five correctly intuits that she's still upset about Alphoso and angry she didn't get to kill Harlan.

He comforts her in his uptight way and tells her from experience that killing for revenge/out of anger doesn't do any good, but resonates with her that not being able to save the people you love is a terrible, powerless feeling. He ends in saying that, for what it's worth, she shouldn't feel bad for wanting a normal life.

She hugs him tightly, surprising him. He hugs back stiffly but not unhappily.

Post-Kugel-trapping

Lila encourages Five onto the dancefloor, and Five in turn encourages Jayme onto the dancefloor.

They dance and laugh, and it's clear that they enjoy being dance partners. There are a few cross shots that show them liking one another's company. The last we see them together is somewhere around Lila telling Diego she's pregnant and Luther and Sloane's engagement:

Five and her are slumped on a couch. She said she's glad it's over and she's going to put all this behind her.

He asks what she's going to do. She says she wants to try to be a family without being a Sparrow and find her own way in the world. She's going to open a little coffee shop, grow her own food, find a simple life. What about him?

He tells her that his road trip with Klaus didn't go as planned, so he's planning to get nice convertible and go travelling for a while. She says that he'd better put her coffee shop on his route. He replies that he'd like that, and then leaves to find Viktor.

Right before the Kugel-splosion

She is in the conversation with Ben, Christopher and Fei and states her intent to leave and have nothing to do with their plans, but still wants to stay on good terms.

They reject her pretty roundly, and she leaves to go and find Sloane thinking she'll have more luck with her.

And then Christopher blows.

Halfway up the stairs, Jayme is unconscious as a result of some falling rubble, and the expanding Kugelblitz puts her and Ben in equal danger. Five instinctively saves Ben (because he will always choose his family) and Jayme dies in the mansion.

S3 E8-10 (After Jayme's Death)

Five feels guilty and more than a little resentful of Sparrow Ben's assholery given what happened.

His decision to give up the fight and accept the end of the world is somewhat influenced by his bitterness over this.

Otherwise, S3 continues unchanged.

S4 (nearly there)

I would have to rewrite the entire series, but here are the basics:

Jayme crops up again, unable to remember anything until marigold is reintroduced.

She and Five are the ones who get stuck in the subway (or similar plot device that allows years to pass for them while no time passes for Five's siblings). They get together relatively quickly, maybe within a year or so. They have a peaceful few years together growing their own food and trying to coax an old barista station back to life so they can make their own coffee. They're both genuinely happy, Jayme absolutely thrives there, and there would be lots of scenes of Aidan Gallagher kissing someone for Steve to enjoy. (Sorry Steve. Your writing decisions might suck but I'm really giving you a hard time here.)

When Five finds the journal, he hides it from her, although he clearly struggles with himself over it, and becomes unhappy. After a few months of him not being himself, Jayme finally gets it out of him.

When she asks why, Five's all: "Because I choose you. I didn't choose you last time so I'm choosing you this time. I love you blah blah kissy kissy for Steve"

And Jayme's like "Yeah, I appreciate it but I love you too. You wouldn't be the man I love if you didn't leave this behind and go back to your family. I want you to be happy and you can't be happy knowing that you can get back to them."

Five accepts this sadly and thanks her for the little slice of normality and peace they shared together. For a moment it looks like she's going to stay and he's going to leave, but at the last second she joins him. Five is her family now, and so are all the Umbrellas too. She can't keep 'playing house' alone. Wherever they are, she will be happy.

And then the series ends totally differently and they all get their happy endings.

[writingshae]

it's nice to have a friend (pt. 2)

Malfoy!reader x Neville Longbottom

Summary: The greenhouses have always been a sanctuary, a good way to hideaway from your housemates and your brothers' awful friends. Once there, you find and befriend Neville, who shares your interest in magical plants and their properties. Your friendship grows over time, but how long can you keep the secret of your lineage from him?

words:

warnings: slight descriptions of disordered eating

notes: This occurs in the golden trio's sixth year. You are Draco's younger sister, in your fifth year.

—

Lost my gloves, you give me one "Wanna hang out?" Yeah, sounds like fun

— Hours passed during that first evening with Neville. You mostly listened, learning all about his Gran, his favorite plant, and his exploits from the previous year. You couldn't help but smile, muscles in your face hurting slightly from the lack of use. He was a breath of fresh air compared to the atmosphere in the dungeons. Plus, it was easy for you to avoid speaking about yourself once you got him started on mimbulus mimbletonia.

"Blimey," he noted as he looked at the clock. "It's after hours. I have a pass from Professor Sprout. I should walk you back to your common room so you don't get in trouble."

"No!"

The silence after your sudden outburst was deafening. You could hear the cogs in his head trying to decipher why you had become so defensive. Was it because his family was full of blood traitors and she was a Slytherin? Was she embarrassed to be associated with him?

"No... Sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I just mean, it's fine. I know the Slytherin prefects, so I'll be fine. But thank you for your offer."

They both stood, awkwardly moving towards the door of the Greenhouse. Neville wondered if he said something in his rambling that had caused the shift in mood. Up until this point, he thought that the two of you were getting along swimmingly. You didn't have the glazed over look that Ginny and Hermione had and didn't interrupt him like Harry and Ron would.

"Do you usually-" "Would it be okay if-"

The both of them spoke over each other, stopping only to chuckle at their interruptions. "You first," you insisted.

"I was wondering... I mean, I've never seen you around the castle before. But if you'd like, maybe you could have breakfast with me and my friends? They're in your year I think. You mentioned your were in year five."

You nodded to confirm. "I usually keep to my room and the common room. I prefer to eat by myself most days," you explained. Realizing that it sounded like another excuse to avoid him, you quickly spoke up. "But I happen to be free around this time every week. Don't know if you'd spend it in the greenhouses every week, but I wouldn't mind it."

Neville absorbed the new information and nodded excitedly. "Oh, yea. I've been helping Professor Sprout so I'm usually here anyways. I bring my dinner and some snacks. We could meet up again, same time next week, yea?" he asked, making sure that he was reading the situation correctly.

"Same time, next week," you said with a small nod. "Goodnight, Neville... This was really nice." Without allowing him to respond, you walked out, turning down the hall to head towards the dungeons, a small smile sprinkled across your face.

---

The common room looked much colder upon your return, probably due to most everyone going to bed. It seemed that one other blonde was still awake, sitting at the window that separated them from the Black Lake. "Electra. You're out after hours," he responded not looking up.

You sighed, walking over to sit down on the chaise opposite from him. "Don't call me that. Only mother and father call me that," you scowled. He had been the one to support you going by your middle name when you first started at Hogwarts. The last name was something that you were supposed to be proud of, but you despised it as soon as you learned of the mythology of your namesake. A woman who plotted matricide in revenge for the death of her father. Narcissa insisted that the story didn't matter, only that the tradition of their names lived on in her.

Your eyes fell over your brother's face. Even in the dim lighting of the common room, you could see the darkened circles under his eyes, how much sharper his features were from what she could only assume was from lack of eating. He had been like this since their father's arrest. Try as she might, she couldn't get him to talk to her like he used to. Draco spent more time with their aunt Bellatrix and meetings with the Dark Lord. She shivered at the thought. She had yet to meet the Dark Lord, so she relegated him to an urban legend like the Boogeyman or Bigfoot. Unfortunately, the man's proximity to the Malfoys seemed to cast a shadow over their household and wherever the family members went. "You're out late. Where were you?" Draco repeated exasperated.

"I just went to the Greenhouses. I lost track of time. Besides, you're my prefect. Don't I get family privileges regarding breaking the rules?"

He furrowed his brow and shook his head. "Just this once. Don't do it again or else I'll have Blaise or Theo become your permanent escort. You know the scrutiny that we're under. We can't afford to bring unnecessary attention to ourselves," he warned.

The warning was vague, but the sentiment was understood. Expectations were higher than usual for the Malfoy children. Narcissa and Bellatrix had mentioned betrothals and arranged marriages in passing, something regarding keeping the bloodlines pure. She didn't take too much stock in it; however, their constant whispers around her were beginning to wear on her. "Draco... you know you can talk to me. I know it's been a lot..."

"You don't know!" he snapped, his voice reverberating in the empty common room. "You have absolutely no idea what is expected of me." It wasn't like this before. Draco and her were able to speak. Even if she didn't spend time with her housemates or socialize like everyone else, she always had her brother to rely on. She could listen to his rants regarding the Potter boy and she would be the ever dutiful sister, nodding along as if she had an opinion on the matter. You stood up and nodded. "I don't know. Because you won't speak to me about any of it. But I'm not going to beg. It's been a long day and I need to get some rest..."

As you walked towards your room, you missed the look of anguish in Draco's eyes. If he told you, he couldn't protect you. It used to be easy for him to assume that you'd remain safe. You never went out, you never partied, you never became the talk of the school. Most people didn't realize that there was a younger Malfoy. But you were in year five now, a sudden curiosity in trying new things. Draco needed to know that you would remain safe and under the radar until he could complete his task. He dragged his hand over his face before getting up to walk down the hall to Blaise's dorm room. They had much to discuss before morning.

---

note: thanks for the love! I'm slowly but surely working my word count up and might actually have a posting schedule soon! comment if you'd like to be tagged in future updates!

[mimisempai]

All those words I almost didn't say

Summary

After one of the most traumatic days of his life, Greg is about to take a well-deserved rest when the doorbell rings. The day is about to take a much happier turn.

Notes

Mystrade Monday  1.0  #46 - "I thought you were dead"

@mystradepromptsandscenarios

On AO3

669 words - Rating G

"Detective Lestrade, after your bravery today, I want you to take a week's leave."

Greg, too emotionally exhausted, didn't even protest and nodded to the Superintendent before leaving his office.

An hour later, he was finally home, dressed in comfortable clothes, beer in hand, about to sit down when the doorbell rang.

He sighed, put his beer down on the coffee table, and looked through the glass to see who was there to bother him.

Seeing who it was, he muttered, "Damn it, Mycroft, I forgot to call him."

Words of apology on his lips, he opened the door, but he didn't have time to say anything because no sooner had he opened it than he found himself in a powerful embrace, pressed against Mycroft's chest.

"Mycroft, what..." he managed to articulate.

But Mycroft cut him off, saying in a trembling voice, "I thought you were dead. For a brief moment I actually thought I was watching you die live and there was nothing I could do."

Greg had never seen Mycroft like that, shaking, his throat so tight with emotion that he almost choked on the last words.

Greg managed to break free of the embrace and said quietly, "I know... thank my Kevlar vest for that,  I can imagine what it must have looked like from the outside. I'm sorry with everything that happened and the chain of events, I completely forgot to call you and I just got home."

Greg knew there had been a lot of media coverage of the hostage situation, but he'd refused to look at the footage. Who wanted to see themselves shot in the chest, even if it had been stopped by a bulletproof vest?

The bruise that began to form on his chest was proof enough.

He continued, "I promise I'm okay. I'm all right."

But Mycroft wasn't listening and said quietly, "Show me."

Greg lifted his shirt and showed him where the impact had occurred. 

Mycroft ran his finger gently over the small bruise and breathed, "I almost lost you."

Greg interrupted, "But you didn't..."

Mycroft put his finger to Greg's lips and interrupted, "Let me speak. I have to tell you."

Greg looked at him puzzled, but said nothing.

Mycroft took Greg's face in his hands and said firmly, "When I thought you were dead, I realized there was so much I wanted you to know that I hadn't been able to tell you. That these last few months with you have been the happiest of my life. That I don't want to spend another minute away from you. I'm in love with you, mightily, painfully in love. The things you do. The way you think. The way you move. I get thrilled every time I'm about to see you. I feel like I've never felt in my life. You have to know all of that."

No sooner had he finished speaking than he gave Greg no time to react, pressing his lips to his lover's in a kiss filled with the same intensity as the words he'd just spoken. Greg instinctively wrapped his arms around Mycroft's waist, deepening the kiss. 

Every time Mycroft felt Greg trying to pull away, Mycroft would press harder against him and Greg would submit because he knew Mycroft needed it after the fear he'd just had of losing Greg.

He didn't even know how long it had been since Mycroft had pressed his lips to his. But it wasn't until they both felt they couldn't breathe that Mycroft slowly pulled away, just enough for them to catch their breath.

They were panting, mouth to mouth, their breath hot and their pulse quickening from the kiss they'd just shared. Greg swallowed several times before he could speak, finally able to respond to Mycroft's declaration and whispered under his breath, "I love you."

Mycroft embraced him again, holding him close, and they stayed like that for a long time in the hallway of Greg's apartment. 

They'd told each other everything.

The rest could wait.

_________

Still not beta'd

Still not my native language

Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰

Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝

Mystrade masterlist here

Mystrade Monday 1.0 : here

[our-lady-of-haymakers]

Private detective fiction is the peak of autistic fantasy, tbh. Oh, I'm a weird little creature in freakishly comfy clothes who gets highly passionate about the tiny details of insignificant things I have been quietly rotating in my mind since before I entered this country, and you're telling me this is key to solving giant puzzle boxes crammed with Characters and Situations that regularly spawn around the world?

I can just waltz into these ornate mansions peopled by society's wealthiest, chuckling as their disdain for my eccentricities is gradually eroded by immense shame at the consequences of their greed and arrogance?

I'm terrible at reading social cues, but in a really sexy and kinda minmaxed way that lets me periodically gain insights into the fabric of people's souls?

I am late to meetings and reluctant to get out of bed, but only because my episodes of deep dissociation have in fact helped me predict events occuring far into next week with pinpoint accuracy?

I encounter places filled with the most thoroughly inscrutable and recalcitrant people I've ever seen, but they eventually have to explain everything they think and feel and have done and expect to happen to me in excruciating detail as many times as I demand because otherwise they'll literally be murdered in their beds or have their darkest secrets revealed?

I can issue orders for the most seemingly unrelated and irrelevant books that correspond to my latest hyperfixations and rest assured that they shall in fact turn out to be tangentially-yet-vitally related to matters of international importance and endow me with the knowledge necessary to outfox billionaire grifters?

I cultivate a host of assistants and helpers who respect and adore me, occasionally in highly homoerotic ways, and are willing to keep track of my sensitivities and vulnerabilities and pet peeves and sudden needs, running for me every conceivable errand because they truly believe that I am an indispensable agent in the pursuit of higher truths and grand ideals? And they sometimes take bullets for me and passionately intercede on my behalf against the haters, only to turn around and stare ardently into my eyes and call me a loser and a freak in a loving whisper that signifies their profound authority on the topic?

I sometimes get paid for all this?

Please never wake me up.

[knickynoo]

Fic Author Self-Rec

Share five of your personal favorite works, then tag five authors to do the same. Thanks to @bg-sparrow for the tag!

Harborage

Harborage: shelter; refuge Marty spends the weekend with the Browns, who have settled permanently in early 1986. While there, he's forced to deal with the impact of his travels through time.

I have a feeling that no matter how many fics I write, this one will always be the most special to me. It started out with one scene I had stuck in my head (which was written out long before I worked out the actual plot and specifics) and turned into a ten-chapter story that garnered more attention and kind comments than I ever could have imagined. I loved crafting this little post-trilogy world and exploring the time-travel baggage Marty is left with after his adventures. I had a particularly fun time working Clara, Jules, and Verne into it.

2. Despite the Distance

On October 2nd, 1982, Doc entered his garage to find a trespasser who ended up becoming his best friend. But when a mishap with a new invention lands him in an altered 1986 where that meeting never occurred, he's faced not only with figuring out how to set the timeline right but also with the reality of the influence his friendship had on Marty.

A nearly 60,000 word, 17-chapter fic that spawned from this ask I'd gotten about how a BTTF version of "It's a Wonderful Life" would go. I didn't even have anything of value to say to that ask, but it caused the concept to stick in my head, where I continued to roll it around for several weeks. And while it ended up branching away from the initial "It's a Wonderful Life" concept, it did end up being a story where Doc gets to see what Marty's life is like without him.

Creating this altered, "tougher" version of Marty was my favorite part of the whole process, and getting to see him form a tentative friendship with Doc in such different circumstances was such a fun thing to tackle. I still have no idea who sent me that ask, but if you see this post: thank you. This story was challenging and emotional and a blast to write, and I'm so pleased at the way it's connected with people.

3. So, Your Brother's Befriended a Mad Scientist

Working as assistant for the town's most mysterious inventor isn't exactly a job Dave would've expected Marty to get, but it sure is an interesting one.

My most recent fic! Have you ever wanted to see a fic about Doc and Marty's friendship written entirely from Dave McFly's point of view? No? Well, I wrote it anyway. And I loved every second of it. Dave is a wonderful big brother, and I'm already looking forward to utilizing him more in the future.

4. In Case of Emergency

Who else is a kid supposed to call for a late-night rescue?

Perhaps my laziest summary, but one of my favorite one-shots. A little slice of life in which Marty decides to go to a party, immediately decides "this is bogus," and calls Doc to come pick him up. A lovely little look at their dynamic and the trust Marty places in his best friend. Also featuring: Doc having an entire conversation with his dog.

5. The Real You

Alex gets ready for a date with Ellen and, in typical fashion, is a nervous wreck. Good thing Mallory is there to provide some words of wisdom.

I really struggled with what to put in this final spot, but I'm going with my one and only (for now) Family Ties fic. Writing Alex is intimidating, but I enjoyed putting this together and being able to include some nice sibling relationship moments between him and Mallory. I've got a bunch of notes on additional FT one-shots that I want to write at some point. I'm so used to writing Doc and Marty at this point, and it's nice to have all these other characters to write about and Put In Situations.

I'm going to leave this open to anyone who wants to take the opportunity to talk about some of their favorite fics they've written :)

[therabbitsmuse]

10

this last quarter of the year has been a tiring mess. nobody should have to go through this many ups and downs in such a short time span. I'm exhausted and don't trust my judgment at all. i feel like something went off-kilter in my brain which in turn has thrown off my ability to process situations and people.

my heart feels displaced. did i mention i feel exhausted?

i want to focus next year on really editing my personal style. i made a shit ton of mood boards in the past week so i didn't have to deal with my feelings, haha

music has sounded so blah this year. it's definitely a me thing, it's no longer the escape that it used to be. i wondered if i had lived in NYC sooner, would this feeling have occured earlier on? because i had nothing else going on for me in the bay lol, going to events was my literal single source of happiness. but now that i've moved, there's just so much more access to the rest of my interests. i think honestly, i still would've been as crazy about going to events and prob would've gotten into even more trouble lol. but comparing how i feel now about the scene now vs 2019... yeah, I'm pretty lukewarm about it now lol. but seeing as it took around 12 years for me to begin to feel this way... not bad lol

i just unlocked a memory of when i used to take pre-workout not long after waking up because otherwise i would be wired past my bedtime lol.

i did a quick inventory of my sephora and ulta orders this year and tbh.... 90% of the shit i bought, i only used a few times or they ended up being duds. the only things that were worth it were from replacing my staples, which really only happens twice a year. it's crazy how all that marketing will make you think wearing a certain lip color will make you change your entire demeanor, your entire life! (and falling for it despite you owning 3 lipsticks in that shade already lol). like why the fuck do i own 3 liquid highlighters when i don't use them anymore? next year, I'm gonna use that money and invest build my new wardrobe LOL

the most interesting and best cities allow artists to thrive. yes, it's a struggle, but the city still values them. cough bay area.

i can't wait to spend the rest of this year not seeing a single person cuz I'm tired and don't want to be asked what I'm up to. (if you know, you already know~)

i keep trying to find a signature winter scent. i thought it was tom ford's tobacco vanille but I'm having second thoughts about it. idk why it smells a little different than the sample i got a while ago but ya know I'm gonna use every last drop cuz tom ford is $$$

my theme for next year is gothic alien. gotta do it for the younger me cuz that little weirdo didn't get to fully live out that dream lol

[drea-exclusives]

Week 3 — Bittersweet Reunions

Post journaling edit: this week's entry is a heavier one. I had originally intended to write about 2 major events that went on this week, including Chinese New Year which I celebrated (and am still in the process of celebrating) this weekend. However, I ended up writing and reflecting on the first event more as it held more significance to me this week. I questioned if I should post it as it is quite personal, but I decided to anyway as it is raw and it is real. Hence, here is me emptying my brain on something which I hold very close to my heart and gaining closure during the process of journaling this experience.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

As the title suggests, this week's entry revolves around the feeling of bittersweetness; an emotion I find arises in many aspects of my life, and those of others as well.

The subject matter being a dinner I attended on Tuesday with my friends from primary school to celebrate one of their birthdays. To provide brief context, they are friends I've known since I was 10 years old, which is quite literally half of my life. But due to a falling-out that occurred between us a few years ago, I've stopped talking to them regularly though they remained in close contact with each other. Despite us making up and being on good terms now, I contemplated back and forth for a week on if I should go as the last time we met up a year ago, it was a bit of a let-down as things didn't turn out as I had expected them to. Nevertheless, I ended up going simply for the sake of it. Even though I knew I probably wasn't going to enjoy myself much considering the dynamics of our friendship now, but I thought to myself, "if I don't set any expectations, then I can't possibly be THAT much more disappointed than last time, right?"

And honestly, it didn't turn out as terrible as I thought it would. There were definitely moments where I questioned why I was even there in the first place, but I think more of that time which I spent pondering while the lively chatters of my friends surrounded me, I was silently grieving while reminiscing on the times we spent all those years ago before things changed. I realised that regardless of how many years have past, every time that I am with them I will be brought back to our pre-teen years when we had no idea what was to come; a reminder of the best and the worst times we've had together.

That's the bittersweet part of it, coming to the realisation that we are no longer the people we were 6, 8, 10 years ago. And on top of that, having to admit to myself that this friendship doesn't serve me much purpose anymore. To accept that it was inevitable, as people change over time and our values, life goals, everything that bonded us during that time are not the same anymore, at least on my end. This has been a reoccurring thought process for me in recent years, and although it does get easier every time, I think that it is something I can't escape or move on from because of the impact it had on my teenage years as well as who I am today; I would have to face it every time I see them.

This is a quote that I stumbled upon this week on one of those TikTok slideshows consisting of sad Tumblr posts with even sadder music in the background. I screenshotted it at the time not thinking much of it, but while looking through my gallery for pictures to include in this week's entry, I realised that this post describes how I feel about my current situation — grieving.

Even while I was still at the gathering, catching up and reminiscing on old times together, I was internally grieving the bond we had when we were young. Don't get me wrong, I'm super appreciative for the friendship we've had in the past decade. In fact, it is because of all these thoughts that I asked myself if my feelings were valid or if I were being selfish, considering they were having a great time during the gathering. But I think that ultimately, this is something we all go through in life at one point or another, right? Letting go of the things that don't serve us purpose anymore. We can't possibly hold onto everything in life because that would just weigh us down, preventing us from moving ahead. We have to choose what to keep and what to let go.

And that is basically what I've concluded from this experience, that this friendship is something I have to let go of (at least emotionally) to make room for the better things in life. Though I will still remain in contact with them, I don't think I will accept the next time I receive an invitation as every meetup will only bring back these bittersweet memories and emotions. They were such a big part of my life and it is because of all the history we have that I do not wish to ruin whatever happy memories we have left that remain. I am and always will be utterly grateful for the years I've spent with them, there are no doubts about that. But it's time for me to prioritize myself as well; and that includes moving on from relationships that only weigh me down, remaining in my life solely as a reminder of the past, people I no longer see a future together with.

With all of that said, pouring my heart out on this matter has definitely eased something within me. Perhaps with time I'll be able to find peace, both within myself amidst the impact this friendship had on some of the most critical years of my life, as well as in the relationship I have with my childhood best friends.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! Remember how I said I found the quote on a TikTok slideshow with sad music playing in the background? Well, this was likely the song that was playing, considering it has become one of the top audios people use for any sad scenario. Ironically, it was through those slideshows that I found this song, though I wish I could say differently. I remember the first time I came across this song, the melody alone represented so many of the emotions I felt but couldn't describe. And that is exactly how I feel about the song with this week's theme, that bittersweet reminiscence. Not just that, but the echoing lyrics in the outro aligns with what I wish to say; that despite all of this, I hope that we don't become strangers.

[smokeybrandcompositions]

Bye Bye Bye

Lately, i find myself singing along to Nsync and Britney Spears songs. It's nuts because i hated them when i was a kid but, as a got older, i actually started liking them. Unironically, i f*cking love Bye Bye Bye. Now. Back then? I found it loathsome. Objectively, all of these songs are terrible. Terrible lyrics. Questionable vocals. Weird harmonies. Dope ass production, though. Consciously, i know that these songs are the equivalent to brain-dead blockbusters designed to appeal to the loins rather than the heart. That said, every time I've ever heard It's Gonna Be Me as an adult, i find myself singing right along. Why? I don't think i love the songs, themselves. Is til think they're all bunk. I just think I've aged enough to see them for what they are: Harness pop nonsense. More than that, they are relics of my youth and my generation, the Millennials (Specifically by little sub-generation, the Xennials), are a generation defined by nostalgia. Millennials are cats born from the early Eighties into the mid-Nineties. We grew up during the height of US property. We watched the Internet become a thing. We f*cking remember Netscape and Friendster. We went from vinyl, to cassette, to CD, to MP3, to f*cking Spotify. Bro, cell phones had battery packs you wore like a purse when i was young.

We saw the very best of what the world had to offer as children and then the second we were adults, the second we had the opportunity to harvest our share of that juicy ass fruit, the world collapsed around our ears. It is in that collective trauma in which we we stand alone. Zoomers grew up in this hell, the memory of better times is like a ghost to them. Alphas have no idea what it was like to, you know, exists in a world that isn't on fire. Millennials watched the collapse. The slow motion car crash of the "American Dream" happened right before our eyes. We were all casualties by the time we could steer the goddamn ship and that's why i like Nsync now. It's why i own every goddamn Playstation and keep Mr. Brightside on repeat. Well, not so much Mr. Brightside. That sh*t is just a straight up classic which has withstood the test of time. It is why i dropped six hundred dollars on a pair of Playoff XIIs, though. Same reason i own two, identical, Starscream action figures and am putting serious thought to getting that new MP Optimus Prime. I don't like Nsync because the music is good or my tastes have softened. I like Nsync because it's the soundtrack to my childhood, particular my my Junior High/High School years. This isn't a situation where i peaked in high school and yearn for those lost days like Hank Hill or someone equally as pathetic.

No, this is me, listening to a record, which reminds me of a time before rampant stupidity took over the world. 9/11 occurred a week after i started eleventh grade and it's been downhill ever sense. By the time i turned eighteen, we were a the start of a war which would last twenty f*cking years and cause more than one recession. I like Nsync because it reminds me of a time before all of that happened. It reminds me of a time where there was still hope for the future, where i still bought into the myth of "hard work pays off." I like Nsync because their music reminds me of a time where the future was still unwritten, not this quagmire of willful ignorance, anti-intellectualism, blatant corruption, and wholesale stupidity. I like Nsync because I'm nostalgic for the promise of a world which was stolen from me; A world that I know, first hand, could have been because I grew up during a time where those seeds were being planted. The seeds for my future never sprouted. I never got to sip that sweet nectar of progress and prosperity. What I got, after seeing the potential just over the horizon of adulthood, was a capitalist dystopia and the dumbest apocalypse imaginable. I like Nsync because I am nostalgic for a world where my biggest problem was irrationally hating a boy band lead by a Mousketeer with Top Ramen for hair, which made harmless, superficial, brainless, music. But, also, Bye Bye Bye is a banger.

[smokeybrand]

Bye Bye Bye

Lately, i find myself singing along to Nsync and Britney Spears songs. It's nuts because i hated them when i was a kid but, as a got older, i actually started liking them. Unironically, i f*cking love Bye Bye Bye. Now. Back then? I found it loathsome. Objectively, all of these songs are terrible. Terrible lyrics. Questionable vocals. Weird harmonies. Dope ass production, though. Consciously, i know that these songs are the equivalent to brain-dead blockbusters designed to appeal to the loins rather than the heart. That said, every time I've ever heard It's Gonna Be Me as an adult, i find myself singing right along. Why? I don't think i love the songs, themselves. Is til think they're all bunk. I just think I've aged enough to see them for what they are: Harness pop nonsense. More than that, they are relics of my youth and my generation, the Millennials (Specifically by little sub-generation, the Xennials), are a generation defined by nostalgia. Millennials are cats born from the early Eighties into the mid-Nineties. We grew up during the height of US property. We watched the Internet become a thing. We f*cking remember Netscape and Friendster. We went from vinyl, to cassette, to CD, to MP3, to f*cking Spotify. Bro, cell phones had battery packs you wore like a purse when i was young.

We saw the very best of what the world had to offer as children and then the second we were adults, the second we had the opportunity to harvest our share of that juicy ass fruit, the world collapsed around our ears. It is in that collective trauma in which we we stand alone. Zoomers grew up in this hell, the memory of better times is like a ghost to them. Alphas have no idea what it was like to, you know, exists in a world that isn't on fire. Millennials watched the collapse. The slow motion car crash of the "American Dream" happened right before our eyes. We were all casualties by the time we could steer the goddamn ship and that's why i like Nsync now. It's why i own every goddamn Playstation and keep Mr. Brightside on repeat. Well, not so much Mr. Brightside. That sh*t is just a straight up classic which has withstood the test of time. It is why i dropped six hundred dollars on a pair of Playoff XIIs, though. Same reason i own two, identical, Starscream action figures and am putting serious thought to getting that new MP Optimus Prime. I don't like Nsync because the music is good or my tastes have softened. I like Nsync because it's the soundtrack to my childhood, particular my my Junior High/High School years. This isn't a situation where i peaked in high school and yearn for those lost days like Hank Hill or someone equally as pathetic.

No, this is me, listening to a record, which reminds me of a time before rampant stupidity took over the world. 9/11 occurred a week after i started eleventh grade and it's been downhill ever sense. By the time i turned eighteen, we were a the start of a war which would last twenty f*cking years and cause more than one recession. I like Nsync because it reminds me of a time before all of that happened. It reminds me of a time where there was still hope for the future, where i still bought into the myth of "hard work pays off." I like Nsync because their music reminds me of a time where the future was still unwritten, not this quagmire of willful ignorance, anti-intellectualism, blatant corruption, and wholesale stupidity. I like Nsync because I'm nostalgic for the promise of a world which was stolen from me; A world that I know, first hand, could have been because I grew up during a time where those seeds were being planted. The seeds for my future never sprouted. I never got to sip that sweet nectar of progress and prosperity. What I got, after seeing the potential just over the horizon of adulthood, was a capitalist dystopia and the dumbest apocalypse imaginable. I like Nsync because I am nostalgic for a world where my biggest problem was irrationally hating a boy band lead by a Mousketeer with Top Ramen for hair, which made harmless, superficial, brainless, music. But, also, Bye Bye Bye is a banger.

[free--therapy]

Hii it's anon! Thank you for all the advice again, I'm always grateful 🫶 I thought about it a lot and honestly, recently, it's been weirdly better? I mean, it gets bad then it gets good again...kinda like that.

I know it's very much up and down still. It's like two steps forward and one step backward and so on. At the beginning of the week, I read your responses and I have better perspectives on whatever I'm worrying about but even I don't know how the week is going to turn out, what new or old irrational thoughts will pop up and affect me, etc. So even I don't know how my mind is going to be by the end of the week, it's kinda adventurous and funny lol

Even now, any worry related to the same old worries pops up, kinda affects me and makes me worry but then eventually in a day or two (or sometimes maybe a week or two haha), I can see with more clarity how it's no different than any other irrational thoughts and worries.

It's just a cycle and like you mentioned, healing isn't linear. I very well know this is just a setback. One of the worries I started overthinking about two years ago is just back is all. I also know that while things may seem like they get bad again after some momentary peace and clarity, but one thing that won't ever go away is that I know my mind better now and that's something that is definitely different now.

I just wanted to talk about the thing I mentioned with me being worried about if things will get back to how they were two/three years ago and about the whole forums and videos situation. I just thought maybe I should clearly share what exactly it is that I've been thinking about and worrying related to that.

So when I first had a panic attack (I remember it was August 2020- I was a 19 y/o back then), it was around when I had lost a friend due to an accident. We weren't that close but I still considered him a friend and a classmate I could depend on. After that incident, for some days, I kept thinking things like, what did he do to deserve this, he was such a nice person, why do we get to live so carefree and he didn't, I thought it was so unfair. I was down and in sort of disbelief but then thought, I should let it go. On top of that, around that same time, I had ongoing health issues so I was troubled by that too.

So both those situations together led me to have a exhausting day and one night, I started feeling dizzy from all the worrying and health issues, I was feeling weird so I searched the symptoms up on google and heart attack came up and I was instantly triggered lol

I had my legs shaking on and off for hours that night lol and to make things worse, I didn't know what that shaking was. So I was convinced that I really was having a heart attack or something 😆 I didn't know what panic attacks were and had never even considered the idea of being anxious. The search results even said, that after symptoms of heart attack, it could occur after few days too and I was on high alert lol

This sounds ridiculously funny to share now but it was a very major problem for me three years back 😆 Anyway, after a crazy amount of searching on the internet, I came to the conclusion that this was anxiety. But that conclusion triggered me too because I only read bad things about it online and started worrying if it meant I already have a disorder within a few days. I was worrying about everything going on because I didn't understand what was going on lol

After that, I caught COVID and lost my sense of smell/taste and read articles about how some people didn't get it back and that triggered me so bad. My family caught COVID too but no one had that symptom so it was scary. It took me about 20 days something for the sense to come back and until it did, I would experience that shaking of legs at night every single night. I would even wake up around the same time every night due to the worries and anxiety and had so bad sleep. I mean, I was worried about the smell/taste thing and I was also worried about the panic attacks.

Right from the first time I experienced a panic attack till the time my sense of smell and taste came back, it was a period of a little over a month. And for that whole period, I was so anxious and just a whole different person. I was constantly just googling and reading stuff about my symptoms and watched a whole lot of videos about anxiety and related stuff.

But in those videos and redit forums, the people were talking about ALL the negative experiences. They talked about stuff I didn't know about like de-personalization, panic/anxiety attacks, and whole lot other stuff that they had struggled with or were struggling with. I didn't know any of that but somehow my mind ended up coming to the conclusion that when or if you have anxiety, it means you'll have all those symptoms those people were talking about.

Basically I had it all backwards. I thought if I had anxiety, I'll get all those symptoms too. So I completely rejected the idea and told myself "this is just stress and overthinking" I kept convincing myself "it wasn't anxiety and just too much stress" or something like that.

After my sense of smell/taste came back, I forgot all about it and just moved on as if nothing had happened but I did sort of develop health anxiety after that. Because I already had health issues, there was the whole pandemic situation going around and things like oxygen shortages in people and my COVID symptoms- all of them led to me overthinking any minor health change and googling it.

Anytime I had any change in health, I would google and read articles and forums what it meant, etc. But I got over it. Then again, around December that same year, I started experiencing jaw pain all of a sudden and the googling habit came back. Somehow all that searching led me to read something about fibromyalgia (serious chronic pain condition) and I was convinced I was developing that. Again, I was VERY conscious of anytime any part of my body ached or hurt even a little. And since I was so focused on it, I noticed all the minor aches and pains that we usually ignore. I was so worried about the chronic pain thing. Then I read that anxiety might make you feel more pain too and I was triggered again. I thought maybe this was anxiety and it might lead to me developing chronic pain. Until my doctor said I was deficient in vitamin d so maybe the pain is from that. I was relieved and started taking supplements and forgot about the worries again. I wasn't until early February 2021 that I realised I was actually having a wisdom tooth lol 😆

Now all this on and off worrying and extensive google searching about any health problem and about anxiety symptoms, etc. lasted from August 2020 to early February 2021. I mean, I had months in between when I didn't think or worry about anything but also months where I was obsessively worrying.

I had some other things related to health that I worried about too but it'll get too long if I mention it all. But that whole period was crazy.

After that, by end of February, somehow, I came to realise that every health problem that I had worried about had turned out to be nothing but a false alarm. I realised that it wasn't any problem and I was just focusing too much on normal health issues and worrying about it. So I decided to stop googling anything related to health at all. What I decided was if I did notice any pain or health problem, I would give it three to five days and if it still persist only then would I think of visiting a doctor or searching for relief online. And it worked and I completely got over any worrying after that. But I also convinced myself all of that wasn't anxiety at all but just some stress which was wrong of course but since I had gotten over the unhealthy behaviours, I stopped thinking about anything related to that completely.

About the aches and pains, I also came to the conclusion that it wasn't anxiety that was making me feel pain in random parts of my body but that almost all times, the minor aches and pains were already there. But I also realised that it's the same for everyone, every person feels aches and pains here and there but it's just we usually don't focus on it so we don't realise it until it hurts enough to notice. But since I was so focused on it, I was noticing every minute ache/pain in my body that we usually don't even notice. I realised the aches and pains were not something new that I was developing due to some condition or due to anxiety, but rather it's something that is always there and it's the same for everyone. We just don't notice those until we really tune into our bodies and focus on it. And This is something I still believe as well!

Anyway, so I was doing great again until August 2021 when it was raining one night and I suddenly remembered all the worrying and panic attacks and the whole depressed state I was in that same time a year ago. After remembering it, I was so scared of it coming back that I ended up having a panic attack again. And since I had not accepted that it was anxiety, and I didn't have any ideas on how to combat those thoughts, I didn't know what was going on. I was remembering all those youtube videos about anxiety and what people had said and all those posts from those forums and stuff. Remembering all that negativity mad eme remember a post about one person talking about how they had enough and wanted to die or something and remembering that post triggered me so bad.

I decided to go for therapy since I had some savings around that time! In my first week of therapy, I remembered many random negative posts I had read on those forums and that one particular post made me think of the word "death" and I was SO triggered. I didn't know where it came from and so it got stuck. I made the mistake of googling it (I hadn't googled anything in a long time) and all kinds of stuff about intrusive thoughts and OCD came up which further triggered me because again, I started worrying if i was developing intrusive thoughts or OCD or something like that. Searching it up was a mistake because it led me to about a month or two of more and more worries popping and up and a cycle of reading those forums and watching those youtube videos again.

Of course, this time I had a therapist so she helped me understand how those habits were bad and asked me to let go of it. Around end of September 2021, I stopped searching stuff again but I was still worried about intrusive thoughts and OCD though. I would worry if any random habit of mine was a compulsion or not and what I would do if I started having intrusive thoughts too, etc.

I read about ALL kinds of intrusive thoughts people with OCD had or worried about and ended up somehow just subconsciously making it a problem for myself.

What I had concluded again was if I had OCD then I would have intrusive thoughts. I again had it the other way around basically. That's why I developed a fear of OCD and similar disorders because I thought if I had them then it would mean that I would have intrusive thoughts all my life too.

But I would tell purposely imagine all those thoughts/images I read people talk about and realise "oh I'm not bothered by these thoughts/images though" so I thought maybe those intrusive thoughts didn't affect me like that. I was following some mental health positivity pages here on this site and I did ask one or two of them about intrusive thoughts even though I wasn't particularly bothered.

Around that time, since those people on the mental health pages were so nice, I started feeling guilty for asking them. That led me to spiral about the whole thing with mistakes and guilt. I would remember any mistake or bad thing I did in the past and start worrying what I should do about it. I felt like if I didn't do anything about it, I would keep feeling guilty. I thought maybe I should then apologise or tell the people involved about whatever I did, but apologising for every small thing from the past was practically impossible. I remembered any random thing I did that could induce guilt and/or shame and start overthinking about what I should do about it now. I started worrying if this meant I no longer deserved happiness, peace, healing and anything good. I started worrying if i didn't deserve to hear anything good from others. I started thinking in a negative way about myself like if someone was nice to me, I would think "if only they knew the things I did, they wouldn't say this or wouldn't want to be associated with me"

And my therapist told me this was just anxiety making me think like that. I didn't "have" to do anything about all those mistakes and that I could move on without doing anything too, that I didn't have to feel guilty about things since I was still just young and was overthinking. But still I had many worries and was anxious, I was worrying about the mistakes thing and about the intrusive thoughts and OCD too. But therapy was helping me stay positive.

This was also the time when I found you on here! I can't explain how much you and your page helped me understanding so many things too. I'm always grateful 💗

I stopped therapy in January 2022 and soon got the news that lockdown was completely ending and university was starting up again  with physical classes instead of online. So I was happy that I would finally start going out. And as I started going out again, I started seeing how trivial my worries were. I saw everyone around me made mistakes and experienced things like me but maybe they just didn't overthink too much so I decided to do that too!

I moved on with my life and was doing so good. Around the end of June 2022, I had vacations and did experience a setback where I started worrying about the mistakes again and you helped me with it too and by this time, I had better healthier thinking patterns. About a month or so of worrying, I decided to move on again as University was starting again in August 2022 and university started and again, I got over the worries.

Throughout 2022 and first half of 2023, I did have those worries about mistakes and guilt come up here and there sometimes but it was very minor so I was doing great and living life and having fun. I saw how everyone made mistakes but people didn't stay stuck on those so I decided to do that and was doing great.

But at the same time, since I was overthinking and worrying about the same topic (mistakes) every now and then, so I got comfortable with dealing with those worries. Because I knew "this worry is the same as always" so I knew I could leave it behind.

It was around last week of June this year (last month I mean), all those worries started coming back and while in the last one and a half year, I was dealing with the mistakes thing very good but I didn't think much about the intrusive thought worry. So when that worry came up around the end of last month, I was ended up getting into that overthinking and worrying cycle again.

And since unlike the past year and a half where most of my intrusive thoughts would be what ifs about my mistakes and guilt, this time, the topic completely changed to intrusive images and associations and other old worries that I thought didn't affect me at all or that I thought I had gotten over.

Of course, now I have much better and healthier thinking patterns and I know I won't lose them or forget them. I also know that intrusive thoughts is something everyone has and associations is something everyone has too. I also know I ended up worrying about them because I had read all those posts two years back.

However, I don't have any of those negative thinking and behaviour patterns from two/three years back now. I never search things up, don't read any forums and watch videos. I share this with you and I know that I can share it with my sister too! Maybe if needed, after some months, when I get a job, I'll try therapy again too. I'm trying my best to look at the positive side and think more rationally!

I'm sorry for writing SO MUCH, I just thought I should share this because it helps me explain my other worries more clearly too. That said, I'm still sorry for writing too much. I'm also thankful to you for being here as well! I know I always say this but it's because I always mean it 💗

Hey Anon,

That's so great that you seem to be getting the hang of it and that you're starting to get a handle of how it works and even what to anticipate. It's true that you'll never know what your worry/worries of the week will be, but even that shouldn't be a reason to worry. The whole goal of dealing with anxiety is being able and ready to handle anything that comes your way because you will never not have some sort of anxious thought pop up to try and take you over. The idea is to make sure you conquer these thoughts before they conquer you ;)

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. That's awful and I can totally understand how unfair it feels to lose good people so soon. Loss can definitely trigger a lot in people, especially when it's something you haven't really experienced before, or at least with someone so close. I know I used to obsess over the deaths of kids who went to my high school or even people who were my age at the time. It's so sad to know that their lives were ended so quickly and you get to continue on with your life.

Covid was a scary time for most people, so I can totally understand what you were going through. I lost my sense of smell/taste too so I went to those reddit forums to see how long it took others to get it back lol. But I know my limit with these forums because I was like you and would spend countless hours on end just reading other people's experiences, but a majority of them are negative because people with more positive experiences or mindsets don't typically spend their time on these forums. So that's why I say it's very easy to be triggered or have your anxious thoughts enabled because you're around people who are stuck in unhelpful thinking patterns and negativity biases. I've also noticed that a lot of people will convince themselves that they have something that they really don't because they may have a few symptoms of something, but not the others, but they also almost unconsciously try and make themselves have those symptoms so they can fit themselves into the boxes better. It's not helpful at the end of the day for someone who is trying to look for something comforting as opposed to something that will only make you feel worse.

Anon, you make me want to cry. You've come such a long way and you're doing amazing! Never feel guilty for wanting to share what you want to share. Thank you for sticking around with me as I try my best to communicate with you all the things I hope that helps you. I'm grateful for you as well and knowing that I can help others the same way I wished someone helped me. I appreciate you

[pesteringchum]

the reddit story for reference:

ID under the cut:

I know this sounds really weird, but here it is:

My BF and I have been together for three years. We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school, but I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career. We are both finished now, and live together making a fairly nice combined income.

Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast food. When he was a child his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evenings, so his mom would make him waffles/pancakes, eggs, and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his "happy place," he says that's where he always goes. My BF is an incredibly nice and caring person. He's emotionally tuned in to everyone and recognizes arising issues a long time before they occur. He loves animals, and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across. He's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him, and usually winds up defusing the situation and having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was. Except at Waffle House.

Anytime we're out he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food. I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care. I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food. But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. BF complained about his eggs one time, because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. When he brought it up again the cook served him two hardboiled eggs. I think it was just part of the cook's schtick, and it was kind of funny tbh, but my BF wasn't able to laugh it off. When we left he was in kind of a bad mood. but we didn't really talk about it.

The next week we were out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle House again. I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House. We went in and sat down, and once again the same cook served his eggs wrong. My BF sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around, and just wanted the correct eggs. The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. My BF got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling/fighting until my BF was like "this is bullshit" and walked out. Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.

This is the crazy part: my BF keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It's almost a ritual at this point. My BF orders runny eggs, the cook serves him some other version of eggs, and then they beat the shit out of each other. I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They're like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy, it's the weirdest thing. They've physically fought like 6 or 7 times over this. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle. I've told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off. The thing is, we're getting married this summer. He's accepted a job in a new city and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy waffle house guy. He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers. But my main worry is this strange vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week. The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more.

Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage? How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice, or is it indicative of something deeper?

i went on a huge long rant about davekat in my head just now and i will not subject you guys to it but i just wanted to say that davekat is at its best not when theyre dating but when they have a weird gay thing going on.

what kind of weird gay thing?

you know that post abt a redditor’s boyfriend who kept going to like waffle house to order his eggs a certain way only for the cook to purposefully cook them wrong and then they would fist fight each other but the bf still kept going there to order eggs?

something like that.