#every time i look at my party i think of that one post
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yelenasdiary · 11 hours ago
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hockey player kate dating reader headcannons please 🙏
(i think i might’ve already sent this but my app has been acting up so idk if it went through)
Hockey Player! Kate is so adorable!!! Thank you for sending this!
Hockey Player! Kate Bishop x Reader Headcannons
You first saw Kate at one of her hockey games. Your friend dragged you to the game, turns out you really enjoyed the game! Your friend is a big hockey fan so of course they explained everything to you.
Because of your friend being a big hockey fan, they manage to get invites to post game events, which is how you met Kate.
Kate struggles so hard to get you off her mind. She's always looking for you in the crowd but notices how you're not at every game but every few and they are most at home games.
She manages to finally catch you again at one of the post game parties and spends the entire evening talk to you and getting to know you more. You both exchange numbers.
Kate was the one who asked you out.
Your first date with the hockey player was nothing fancy, which you actually liked. Kate took you to her favourite burger place where the two of you talked for hours over fries and milkshakes, ending the night with Kate walking you home and a soft kiss.
Kate is very competitive which can make for some fun activities. You both enjoy hikes and morning runs together, Kate always finding ways to make it a little competition.
Whenever Kate has a bad game, losing or gets put on the sidelines, you're always there with comforting words and hugs.
You're at ALL her games, no matter what you have going on, you always make sure to be there.
You're both goofballs. You can both go from being competitive with one another to cuddling and watching cheesy romance movies which include lots of playful banter and teasing.
Kate loves to teach you more about hockey & she taught you how to skate.
Kate is very affectionate, expect lots of forehead kisses, casual hand touches and plenty of comments like "I'm so lucky to have you"
You are by far Kate's biggest fan. You know all her stats and are always wearing a jersey with her name and number on the back.
You help her train. When she's not training with her team, she is eager to get into the gym or have a little private session on the ice. You encourage her and keep track of her progress for her.
Fans love seeing you at Kate's game. At first the public eye was something you hate to get used to but over time you got comfortable with that side of her life.
Kate loves learning new things about you. She remembers all the little things about you.
Kate calls you her lucky charm while you call her your star.
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Taglist: @noturlondonboy | @deathbylesbianwitches | @yelenaslyubov | @sunshine-makes-flowers-grow | @boredandneedfanfics | @red1culous | @jooseboxxe | @starrycherie | 
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rouge-fauna · 2 days ago
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Some ironic/idiotic points I’ve seen way too many people say:
Tommy and Dream should have worked things out privately
How? Did you miss the part that Tommy literally blocked Dream on everything and refused to talk to Dream? How is he meant to handle it privately? Besides I’m pretty sure Tubbo in his first stream is the one that brought up things like the messages to Tommy’s mom in the first place, so if anything Tubbo is the one who brought up things to the public and made things bigger than they needed to be. Remember, his hour long stream about the meme and reasons why he dislikes Dream and how this is Dream’s “death by a thousand cuts” came first before Dream’s first stream where he reacted to parts of Tubbo’s stream.
Dream takes no accountability
He apologized for something he’s not even done, he literally took down the meme, admitted it was a bad thing to do, apologized multiple times for it, apologized for not doing a proper apology the first time and explained his reasoning. That’s literally the definition of taking accountability. Like what more do you want? Want him to beg on his knees for the internet (who called him every slur in the book) to forgive him? He made a mistake, we all do, he apologized, let’s move on, because there are parties in this drama who haven’t taken accountability or apologized so maybe we should be focused on that.
Dream and Dream Team are sexist and misogynists
Says the people who formed a nation on a role play server called L’MANberg because it didn’t allow woman (or non-Europeans). Says the guy who I get frustrated to watch because of all his sexists and inappropriate jokes (I still don’t understand how the majority of his fans are woman like heh?). Says the people who when asked why they think this only bring up recent public examples, despite a - they have always been sexists behind the scenes implication, all but one of which are bogus anyways.
Well they didn’t handle the Caiti situation properly.
What do you mean? They all responded, I’m pretty sure apologized and owned up and took Caiti’s side and made sure to tell their fandom to not go after her. Meanwhile, you think Dream should have brought her up, when she has specifically asked to not be talked about anymore. Pretty sure if he never responded he’d be bashed for not taking accountability and if he did mention her in the recent video then he’d be bashed for not respecting her wishes.
Dream’s neurodivergence (Autism and ADHD) is not important here why is it being used as an excuse.
It ain’t. I don’t think I’ve seen a single person excuse his behavior or whatever, in fact the same people pointing out the autism piece are also mostly the same neurodivergent people who are the ones upset by the use of the word. But this all blew up with the r word which Dream was told by people using it against him that it can be used by someone who’s autistic. So from the get go it’s kinda important. Then you look at the pieces, at the comments people make about Dream being weird or doing things that are socially unacceptable, is inappropriate, ridiculous…etc and then you get to a 3 hour stream of talking in circles as they can’t seem to understand eachother or at least Tubbo not understanding Dream, which afterwards Tubbo labels his Audhd way of communicating as manipulative. So yea I’d say autism, adhd and neurodivergence are pretty damn relevant and important.
Just ahhhhhsbhfnnabdnnand… I still see people condemning him for the damn r word and it’s like bruh… move on. We are way past that damn meme he apologized multiple times for at this point. Especially from the moment Tommy posted his video and weaponized his fandom against Dream. And good god, and if you didn’t watch the streams then don’t be acting like you have this hot take and posting essays and shit because damn, maybe the reason no one’s said that is because it isn’t true, something you’d known if you watched all of the streams!………….. sorry just had to get that off my chest…
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elfboypussy · 5 months ago
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i feel like im not really far into the story but i fuckin love da2 so far. like i can make wildly unbalanced parties and still have fun bc of the rp of it all. im just like fuckin apostate robin hood and my best friends, apostate #2 and apostate #3 and were holding hands while killing templars and being general bastards around town while flipping off the circle. also carver is here
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venomgaia · 1 year ago
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Guys that go bump in the night
(minorly inspired by @karniss-bg3 's response to this ask)
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parasitoidism · 2 months ago
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how is this not like a connecting art card look he's even by the water wheres the matching kyogre :( where is it :(
#they're worsties. come on#wanting more pokemon cards to tack up on my wall once i get my maxie card in the mail hashtag sorry for party rocking#you should NEVER collect pokemon cards for monetary value you should ONLY collect them to be gay#in absence of any kind of real oras archie and maxie merchandise i must scratch the itch with groudon and kyogre themselves.#they didnt even get anything for secret teams cause it was rse archie and maxie in rainbow rocket :sob: sob sob sbo#looking at the rse archie rubber strap hanging off my desk lamp you willl never be him .#<- alittle mean sorry didn't mean it. anyways i found myself thinking a lot more about those big ol weather kaiju this time around#I like how they just exist to fight with one another i like how they just fight and cause death and destruction and hurt when despite being#relatively peaceful and even thought of as heroic or saviors when not in conflict but once they begin to fight they just are so focused#on destroying one another that they bring catastrophe... and once that fight is over they're just sealed away and dormant..#just their essence to fight and never overcome that hatred to the point where they just have to be completely removed from the picture#and well you know what else i like thinking about...........#must it always be like this? sources say.. maybe#(insert supercut of every time archie and maxie have died in various aspects of pokemon media canon) which is so many times btw#they're like the hamsters of this franchise always dying in really fucked up ways#i have to tagyap when i'm too embarrassed to make full posts on their own
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arolesbianism · 4 months ago
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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nihiltism · 2 years ago
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ok so while my ds is getting sand poured into it at alarming rates I'm thinking about how jrpgs in specific have a really weird desync with How Important Death Is. like some address it better than others but it very frequently happens where if you take a step back youll go "am I wild or is everybody just like, Really down with murder in this game". and consequences for said murder, especially in a characterization sense but even just actual physical consequences, don't really happen? unless it's a vehicle for conflict but like. when it is a vehicle for conflict it feels weird because why are These Guys actually taking the fact we killed somebody in broad daylight seriously and coming after us for it while all the other npcs and even the main party took it like it was another saturday evening
see I Think where the issue lies is in the fact that everything is in its own little world when you're in a battle? like. when you fight an enemy and you get leather out of it it's seen as something the enemy Drops and not. their hide. when you defeat a character in a battle it does just feel like you Defeated them. unless there's dialogue afterwards that says otherwise you don't even mentally assume you killed em you just wounded them enough to make them flee or dissolve or whatever. and it's Weird to just. have that assumption there because for a lot of games it really isn't clear if you're killing them or defeating them !!
that last point is extra important when you have the specific brand of Skittish Hero / Noble Hero Who Doesn't Kill People / Rational Hero In Way Over Their Head or whatever where you really don't think they Would kill a guy just to get them out of the way. in that case it's REALLY weird because it's hardly brought up. even if it Is brought up that that guy Sure Did Die the mc doesn't tend to actually have a reaction ??? and I don't know why this is ???? like Any written reaction would be more interesting than nothing even if the guy doesn't have a full on crisis about taking another life having them go "oh shit, The Consequences" would be nice. really anything except (oh cool we can advance the plot now).
I will also mention that Some deaths do matter plot wise but very frequently what makes them matter is how much of it is linked to an in game battle I think. if your mc just finishes a fight and comes back to the overworld and the guy's Disappeared or Dissolved or whatever it means they don't matter. if the guy's still around after the fight it means it's more significant, especially if they're still alive but wounded or Really Shaken Up. because this clears up the indistinguishable line between if a battle is lethal or not and if a character decides to deal a finishing blow now it's Way more telling of their character. even though this is basically the same thing that happened in the (killed In A Battle) scenario. just with more dialogue. I will also mention that the person who deals the finishing blow is Rarely Ever that good hearted protagonist and often they'll even go :0 at somebody else committing a murder despite them instigating and helping murder quite a few people. just. In Battle. so it's less bad. I guess.
this is leaving out the fact that in party deaths are often a Major Major Blow because like. ok that's fair. that's A Guy You Knew that's understandable. anyway I don't really know where I'm going with this I just think it's interesting how in these types of games death can swap from not mattering at all to mattering a Lot and if u don't think about it too hard u don't even question it. I'll probably be putting some examples in the tags idk
#i will note that in this specific instance most of my party Is actually super down with murder like vocally#so its less weird but it Is weird that the mc does. Not Seem The Type.#i mean not to say he should have tried to spare everybody i think its kinda neat that he doesnt but#if the fact that he doesnt was brought up at all thatd be interesting. have him acknowledge he killed a dude#but no hes just kind of standing there like (ok what next) no leaning one way or another#these would all be interesting reactions if they were actually Brought Up in dialogue but no its just. oversight#anyway this is about sand but ive also felt this about live a live and even bits of twewy#like specifically in lal the fact that the edo chapter Exists and killing people is just Battling Them made me look at Every Other Chapter#thru a lens of (okay am. am i killing these dudes.) and the answer is I DUNNO#like the guy exploded into a cloud of mist theres no way hes Not dead but its STRANGE#this felt most noticeable in the imperial china and present day chapters because they had mcs who decidedly did not feel down with murder#specifically present day because masaru is fighting this guy for the crime of killing a guys. and woa. he killed a guys. with his Hands#i think theres only a handful of deaths in lal that actually mean anything and you can tell which they are because they dont explode#like in You Know The Part with The Character I Cant Say that guys i think the only time defeating an enemy Leaves A Corpse#ok actually thats a lie the Other Guy I Cant Say in The Chapter Before That also died like that and that was equally important#s also worth mentioning that said first guy can ? also die without leaving a corpse? just turn to ash??#depending on where u go with him. which is weird right. thats weird right.#maybe that just means (hey youre not supposed to feel bad about him dying this tiiiime)#anyway its 5 am ill post this in the morning#veespeaks
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kavehayati · 6 months ago
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I beg have we been playing the same game orrrr
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#like Childe he’s obviously a sweetheart but ig I can understand ??? like he’s so rambunctious and loud and whatnot and yk#ig I can see how you can mischaracterise him as that but kaveh ????#the only reasons I can think of is cause he’s an alcoholic which perhaps in some ppls minds that makes him a fuck boy cause you kinda loose#sense when you’re drunk (?) <- the classic stereotype#but I genuinely do not understand like is it the outfit 😭 cause I swear everyone has something to say about his outfit it’s always the#reason for everyone’s complaints 😭😭😭#because the way I look at it is kaveh and I are so similar it’s crazy even his whole argument with alhaitham I’ve had numerous situations#like that but with my parents and istg it’s infuriating to me when they say stuff like alhaitham does#ANYWYAS THATS just a snippet but istg 99% of his character is like a Noor dupe crazy#WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE POINT LIKE IM THINKING OF IT AS THIS you calling him a fuckboy#is like calling me the female equivalent of that and I’m like THATS SO FUNNY ???&;83&3 😭#how does one arrive at such a conclusion he’s just sad and never wants to hurt a fly bro how would he be a fuckboy 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 the concept of#him using someone like that is just so ooc and not in the mischaracterisation way in the sense like you just took him and#made him your oc with a completely different personality like heck#although I love alhaitham I can see why ppl would make him out to be a f boy but kaveh is like hell naur 😭#the only situation I’d assume kaveh can be characterised as that is if he gets hammered especially hard with alcohol to the point he just#blacks out or something memory wise and does random stuff#every time I stray from his canon characterisation I see a voice line of his and#I’m like awwwe ☹️ why is he actually precious LMAO he’s so cute and wholesome like how he gets excited over the lightning bolt shape#ORRR when he opens a treasure chest or his joining the party line ABDUSIWKAKSSIN he’s such a cutie#his ‘waaah what are you doing here’ <- line in the event AAAH WHAT AN IDIOT / affectionate WHAT ALMOST 30 YR OLD MAN SAYS WAAAH#I LOVE HIM 😭#dora daily#the way this turned out to be a kaveh lover post by the end I’m actually so sorry#and before we get weird about me liking kaveh sm and saying he’s just like me and a me dupe I wanna preface this by saying#maybe postface cause this is after the fact#ANYWAYS I mean he’s just like the better me he’s Noor pro max frfr
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obeymeow · 2 years ago
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being neurodivergent is all fun and games until you remember those hourly quote bots on twitter and think well maybe I can't make a bot anymore but I could schedule a few quotes a day, that shouldn't be hard. it sounds fun to have a bunch of quotes of my favorite character Thirteen from hit mobile game Obey Me! and its sequel Obey Me! Nightbringer. and then you think about how arduous collecting the quotes is going to be but she's only been in the games for maybe a year and a half with little screentime and you love collecting things so you start but then you remember that you love collecting things so naturally you have ALL of her screentime in the game and suddenly you have 45k characters of quotes and are several lessons into season 4 (which is truly a trial in and of itself) but not nearly close enough to the end but you refuse to just stop collecting the quotes and make the account with the EXCESS of what you have already because you literally only have season 4 to get through and if you don't do it just seeing the bot (because now you've been informed you can make tumblr bots instead) will haunt you with that knowledge even if nobody else would ever know. this is a general anecdote of a situation that could easily happen to anyone though and not in any way related to my life
#obey me on side#ummm i don't have a personal tag yet because i hated looking at this blog before the revamp so i'll do that later#with the carrd. usually when i say i'll do something later it means sometime in the next 3 years but i actually mean this one#but rn there's no way to tell i'm a lesbian (except for the thirteen icon. + probably also the ruri-chan banner she's lesbian colors)#okay maybe you can tell but I want to be CLEAR#anyway i would also like to note that immediately before starting this project i spent a full week lamenting my lack of free time#because I wanted to write some fics. and then literally as soon as i got free time I went um. no. quote doc instead I think#????? girl why did you do that to yourself#fortunately i'm now bored of reading s4 so i can go back to writing#unrelated but all of these fics contain a significant amount of solomon and i like him that's not surprising but it was unintentional#which IS surprising. like okay one of them is about solodeus (specifically mc playing matchmaker so i don't clickbait) so that's obligatory#and another is based off of the new solomon card (IT'S CUTE) so that's also kind of obligatory#(the third one is based off of luke's card from the dnd nightmare a while back because i was entranced by its strange unbalanced party)#but usually i try to switch up the characters i write about to get comfy with all of them and not just the ones that make sense to me#that's not entirely accurate it's my one braincell bouncing around like a windows screensaver picking a new fave every time it hits a side#but also to get used to writing them all. anyway#i'll just write about satan to balance it he's always been a fav but i am obsessed with him in nightbringer he is so offputting and tragic#if you're still reading these tags please see above on th 'later is up to three years' in regards to the fics still haven't posted anything#hoping to change that soon though I WILL eventually.
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non-un-topo · 1 year ago
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You know you've been stressed when a random beautiful ao3 comment makes you burst into tears
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alchemiclee · 2 years ago
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do you ever feel like some people dont understand the difference between pity and sympathy/empathy? (people don't even know the difference between those two, to be fair) giving someone sympathy or having empathy for them is not the same as pitying them. someone trying to reach out and seeking or expecting sympathy from you or wanting empathy isn't wanting you to pity them!!!!!! dont mix the two up 😭
#if i had a penny for every time i was pitied or people claimed *I* wanted a “pity party” when i was seeking sympathy or empathy...#id be so rich that id pity THEM lmao#when you just want your feelings and exoeriences to be seen as valid and they instead throw pity in the open wounds#being cruel and unsympathetic is just as bad as pity imo#you dont need empathy to learn sympathy skills since it's not the same thing. but some people do want empathy and not pity. which is also#not the same thing???? what am i even talking about anymore.#this was sparked by a reply to my post about not understanding kavehXalhaithim. apparently one doesnt want pity but the other lacks empathy#so to me the one lacking empathy comes off as cruel. it looks to me like he thinks showing sympathy = pity in that case. no.#sympathy would be validating the others feelings and experiences saying its ok to feel that way while working through it and support them!#but yeah replies on here are too limited and i cant fit all that above on there lmao i dont even knlw if people see my @ replies to them#ive replied back a few times now and no one continued the conversation so why bother lol#but it does annoy me when people are instead annoying or cruel in place of basic sympathy. to me THAT feels pitying#perhaps i also just dont like people who lack empathy. i know its not their fault and just how some people are....#but how i communicate is through empathy and exchanging it with others so i mever get along with people who lack it.#so uts hard for me to understand a ship that is an empath vs an unempathetic lmao it sounds annoying as hell even if it has reason fhdndndm#i think that storyline just felt way too close to home amd familiar so it got me as annoyed as the character i highly relate to there 😅#idk what im rambling about now tbh#lee text#lee rambles
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navysealt4t · 2 years ago
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maaarine · 3 months ago
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Why are British teenage girls so unhappy? Here’s the answer (Caitlin Moran, The Times, Sep 13 2024)
"The report, by the Children’s Society, found that British 15-year-old girls are the most unhappy in Europe.
British girls aged 10-15 are “significantly less happy” with their life, appearance, family and school than the average boy — and their happiness is still declining.
Boys’ life satisfaction, meanwhile, remains broadly stable. (…)
But I still didn’t have an “aha!” moment about why this so disproportionately affects girls until… I talked to some teenage girls.
It was at a party, and I went to vape with them on the patio. Because I take my nicotine like children do.
“Duh — it’s the boys,” one said when I brought it up, as all the others agreed.
“The boys?” I asked.
My last book, What About Men?, had been all about how much boys struggle these days: their loneliness; their suicide rates. I’d spent the past year feeling very sympathetic towards boys.
“Yeah, well, who do you think they’re taking out their unhappiness on? It’s us,” another girl said.
“One boy at school used to draw a picture every day of how ugly I was,” a third girl said. “Every day for two years.”
“They’ve all got ‘Rate The Girls’ polls on their WhatsApps,” the first said. “They mark you down for weight gain, haircuts, what you say.”
“But then, if you’re hot, it’s just as bad, in a different way, because they’ll be talking about how they want to f*** you.”
The girls discussed coping techniques. Bad news: none of them worked.
“The only way you can stop them is if you become ‘one of the boys’ and hang out with them. But then,” the second girl said with a sigh, “all the other girls call you a slut. Because you’ve gone over to the boys’ side.”
“Surely it’s not all the boys?” I said. “There must be some nice boys?”
“Oh, yeah,” one girl said. “But they keep their heads down. Because… well, look.”
She showed me the Instagram account of her friend. Under every picture she posted of herself — smiling in a new dress; with her dog — dozens of anonymous accounts had replied with the most rank abuse.
“Fat.” “Slut.” “You gonna try and kill yourself again, for attention?”
“They’re all boys from her school,” she said. “And look, this one boy tried to defend her.”
I saw a series of messages from a brave teenage boy, posting things like, “You’re all big men, leaving these replies under anonymous accounts.”
As I could see, this boy immediately became a target too. Mainly accusations that he was “white knighting” this girl: “You wanna f*** her, bro?”
“So,” I asked, “you don’t think it’s social media pressure to be beautiful, or the economy, that’s making girls so sad?”
“Well, yeah, them too,” the first girl said. “But, Monday-Friday, 9-3, I’m not on social media. I’m not… in the economy. I’m just with these boys. And no one talks about how horrible they are.”
I thought about another recent report, showing a 30 per cent ideological gap between Gen Z men, who are increasingly conservative, and Gen Z women, who are increasingly progressive.
I thought about Andrew Tate, who has nine million mostly young male followers — and faces human trafficking charges, which he denies.
And I thought: maybe these girls are on to something. Maybe more people need to vape with teenage girls and ask them for the school gossip."
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megroha · 25 days ago
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#vent post#realistically it's not that I was unaware I would lose my dog one day#nothing can actually prepare you though#I miss him so much I think I'm living on the brink of crying 80% of the time#it's 10 days today#christmas was a nice distraction but I felt bad whenever I wasn't thinking about him#and in a few days when the new year starts all holiday distractions will be gone#and it's going to be hard again#most of my daily life was built around him#I don't know what I'm going to do#the only reason I would get out of bed at a reasonable time was to go give him breakfast#and hang out all morning and go for a walk#and I've lost that#I keep thinking about his soft little ears and his sweet face and i just want to start sobbing#it was unfortunately his time to go but that doesn't stop me from missing him badly and painfully#mostly i still just can't believe he's gone#i knew we were on our way to the end but it happened so suddenly#one day he was just drastically worse and there was very little we could do for him#it was the kindest thing to put him to sleep so he wouldn't suffer for our sake#my poor little boy#i love you so much maxy for trhe rest of my life nothing will compare to you#i loved you every single day of your life#i first met him the day he was born in a big pile of baby puppies#i wanted a dog my whole life but my family never would've allowed it if not for my great aunt's dog having puppies#but they let me take him home#and not every day was easy but there was never a day I wasn't grateful for him#now we're all grieving for our boy#he was so loved by so many people#there's zero chance my family will get another dog so i can't even hope that one day i will feel something like that again#extended family were giving me pitiful looks all through christmas but i had a wall up to it because i didn't want to cry at a party
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radiotorn · 5 months ago
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The perusing thru photo gallery strikes again. ! Bad
#got reminded of a halloween party i went 2 with friends#and how they dropped me off back at home early to fuck#and how crushed i was because it was genuinely such a fun night. like i felt so good#because i was like. yay!!! i have friends and im spending time with my friends i love my friends!!!!#and all 3 of us r sitting by the campfire and im pouring my heart out saying how much i valued them#and how much it meant to me to have them in my life as ppl i could be myself around#and just knowing thst the sentiment wasnt reciprocated the same and tht they#at thst point werent really thinking about me anymore is lik#okay. okayg. its fine. im fine about it#i was so embarrassed asking for 10 more minutes there with them. i didnt wanna go but they clearly didnt wsnt me around anymore#every time we hung out after that it only got worse. ogufvhh.#i genuinely think they only invited me out because i was like. idk 'amusing'#but not in a 'you are our friend and are funny and we like having you around'#but like throwing peanuts at a caged circus animal.#one of them did the others makeup. looked real nice#later in the night i asked him to do mine too bc i thought it would be fun/i never play arohnd with makeup#and he doesnt tske it serious. just absolutely fucks my face up with mascara and everything#looking back on that now really cements just how blind i was to how they actually saw me#i was thoroughly duped. fuck my derp life.#ow.err#sorry for diary entry posting again its 1am im tired and i need to write this down so I don't forget it happened to me#maybe ill delete it in the morning and actually writr abt it in my journal idk
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dyed-petals · 10 months ago
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i had a dream my parents gave me up when i was young. i came home from school one day and they told me they didnt want me anymore.
but that isnt what the dream was about. i knew that already.
it was a dream about being wanted.
my older cousin had a room for me, a whole country away, with exposed auburn wood and a big bed. big canvasses, with tubs of paint. a soft carpet. billboards for photos of memories i would make. set up for me like the aquarium for a long waited fish of an excited child.
que parecidas from the lips of relatives and strangers alike. it means ‘how seeming’. or ‘how belonging.’ they were commenting on how we look alike. we do. i could almost let myself forget i wasnt always here.
my cousins children became my little sisters. i did ballet with mis hermanitas down the hallways of our home. they dont know theres someone who called me hermanita too - i could almost let myself forget that, too.
my old friends called me sometimes, but less and less, as i started forgetting english. maybe as i forgot the words for friend and mom and sister i’d forget them too. maybe i could let myself remember only amigo y mamá y hermana. only the ones that wanted me.
but not when you called me. i could feel the dream realize - i didnt know you yet when i left - you can’t be here. large oilspilled hands replaced your face with someone else. someone who made sense in a timeline where i am wanted. you don’t make sense here. but you wiped off all the other faces. it was always you. breaking through. reaching out to me.
i couldn’t forget. not you. i wished i could. i clung to this dream where i was wanted. i didnt want to remember. you hugged me as it begun to rain. the murals i painted on my walls washed away drop my drop. until downpours claimed my dance trophies and tutus. my pictures of made-up friends. the walls dripped bare until through the haze of rain it was my real life again.
but you still hugged me.
it was a dream about being wanted. it still was.
#the words in spanish feel so cringe to me rn but i think im just being self conscious#real dream i had btw#it was An Experience it was really vivid and i woke up crying#it was after visiting said cousin and her daughters#my dad took a picture of the two of us and the whole trip was showing everyone every time someone told me i looked like her#i miss them already :( i didnt get to see my little cousins very long and i know the next time i will they wont be near as little#like ik that when my family goes there its like a 3 week long party but still its so nice there#i wasnt built for a nuclear family man i want to live with extended family#anyways i thought of this again bc i saw something like ‘would you still love me if we never met’#and i was also kind of thinking about soulmates and how i feel like my ex was my soulmate even though it cant work between us#and i feel like thats what a soulmate is to me#someone that im in love with in every universe#and i love the person im closest too now very much but its never felt like theyre someone i couldnt have not met#even though i know i can be happy with them and have already found out i couldnt be happy with my ex#but then#theyre the one that showed up in this dream#a dream about if i never met them#and they still loved me.#blargh anyways#and Thats why i made this blog bc both people in question do follow me#and i Already wrote a post abt soulmates that lowkey was subtweeting the two of them#and Both people in question liked it dhjdsh#wait let me reblog it here
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