#every time I think I'm getting my shit together I find something else about yesterday that makes me lose it WHAT THE FUCKKKK

[anditwentlikethis]

put this on my grave

[awrkive]

hey hey!! congrats on almost 1k and 2k for cn&bl <33 here i am again obsessed w the cn&bl couple! could i please request a drabble for them! maybe something super fluffy and a dash of smut 🫣 anything along the lines of them out in public or whatevs hahah

jk and oc’s relationship a secret no more LOLZIES (jk being completely down bad and being teased but in a friendly way??) any setting and time of the day! excited for anything you come up w, tysm!! <3

summary: cnbl!oc brings cnbl!jk lunch after his bb practice

wc: 1.8k

note: no smut but its super cute ))))))))))): this ask has been in my inbox for so long im really sorrry for only getting to it now 😭 nonetheless i hope u guys enjoy

‼️FULL FIC HERE

The tuna sandwich you made two weeks ago surprisingly became a favorite of Jungkook, which you didn't see coming, because he was a good cook (he truly did prove you wrong) and you were a shit one in comparison. To be fair, making a sandwich isn't totally cooking but you still season the tuna and that was cooking in your opinion but anyway, Jungkook loved it so much he kept on asking you for it whenever he came over.

Never had anyone validated your cooking before, only Jungkook, and you couldn't lie and say it didn't boost your ego whenever he ate it almost rather enthusiastically, and then kissed you sweetly (albeit smelling like tuna) and saying thank you with that adorable smile of his.

So today, you may have accidentally made five tuna sandwiches and bought way too much Chinese food that is anything but for individual consumption. Because today, you may be going to the gym to get lunch with Jungkook on his break.

[12:30pm] You: It's your lunch break, right? Are you still practicing?

[12:32pm] Kook🐰: hi baby we finished just now it'slunch break i go to class at 2pm

[12:32pm] Kook🐰: have u eaten should we get lunch together

[12:35pm] Kook🐰: i got starbucks coupon yesterdat👺

[12:35pm] Kook🐰: yesteeday

[12:35pm] Kook🐰: yesterday

[12:35pm] You: I'm coming to the gym

Turning off your phone after that brief exchange, you tiptoed a little to spot the gym.

It was almost crazy to think that once upon a time you've never stepped a foot in there, but nowadays it has become almost like a routine, no thanks to constantly hanging out with Jungkook. And it wasn't just you going to his "thing", either, it was also him fetching you from the publication office or bringing you food there.

It's a rather big shift from keeping your relationship a secret to everyone else from… effortlessly flaunting it to everybody. But no, you wouldn't really call it flaunting. Flaunting meant you have every intention to make everyone know, but that wasn't the case for you both. Not at all. It was more of like: "They see us, then they see us. Who cares?" and personally it was hard to not care the first few weeks, especially when you would hear your name from the girls' gossips in the women's comfort room. But the talks died down eventually and finally, no one cares now about the girl Jungkook's hanging out with.

Anyhow, it was nice to not… hide anymore. Or pretend that you didn't know each other in the hallways. Jungkook liked it as much. You think.

As you reach the gym, you see Taehyung near the entrance door. It looks like he just changed out of his jersey, his fringes wet.

"Hi," you greet, waving at him.

"Oh, __, hey," Taehyung looks up from his phone to look at you then grins. "Jungkook's inside." He says, gesturing with his thumb. His eyes train to the lunch bag in your hand and the familiar plastic bag of a Chinese restaurant across the street. Wiggling his eyebrows, he teases, "Is that for him? Sweet."

You immediately roll your eyes at that. "Shut up, Tae."

Additionally, one of the big shifts in your life the past few months was finding a close friend in Jungkook's friends. Taehyung and you have been getting closer these days, enough for you to comfortably exchange sarcastic remarks about each other. Turns out, he was an extremely fun guy to be around and get this, he knows Letterboxd. How cool is that! (Though he still really holds that time you didn't show up at your coffee hang against you. He brings it up every single time and you'd have to treat him to a cafe some weeks.)

Taehyung laughs and brings his hands up, jokingly surrendering. "Kidding, kidding. He's waiting for you inside. Gotta go, though. 1pm class."

You nod. "See you around, Tae."

You thought he was gonna go scram but he looked at you one last time and said, "Don't do anything funny in there."

Heat goes through your body, settling to your cheeks. Taehyung really gets on your nerves, it makes so much sense that he was close friends with Jungkook.

"Shut up, I hate you and Hyerin deserves so much better." You say spitefully, referring to the woman he's been going on dates with recently, rolling your eyes once again as Taehyung just laughed his ass off, walking further away.

Ugh. You really wish he didn't walk in on you and Jungkook three days ago. To be fair, Jungkook forgot to lock his room (again!) when you were fooling around and Taehyung was a neanderthal who didn't know how to knock. So cue Taehyung joking about it whenever the opportunity came.

"Hey!"

You turn around to see Jungkook jogging towards you, still in his jersey with a towel hanging around his neck. Some of his team mates are also hanging around the benches. As if just having noticed you as well, they wave at you and say a chorus of "Hi"s and "What's up, __"s which you returned with a smile and a greeting back.

Jungkook greets you personally with a wet kiss on the lips.

"Hi, pretty."

"Hey, you," You greet back, swiping his bangs off his forehead. You quickly retreat. "You're so sweaty. Wipe your forehead."

Jungkook does it so. "Done." he looks down at the things you've got in your hand. "You brought me lunch?" He says, a grin plastered all over his face.

You hold your arms up with the bags. "Yeah. Chinese and tuna sandwiches. I thought we could eat here or something."

His grin only spreads wider at your words, and you can only mirror his smile. He was so smily today.

"You mean your tuna sandwiches? Fuck, I could kiss you right now. Thank you." He says enthusiastically, wrapping his arm around your waist and leading you to the bleachers.

You followed him and you settled on your usual spot where you've eaten one of your lunches before. It was quite far away from the area where the other guys were seated.

"It's nothing. I made a lot this morning because my classes got canceled." You say, unzipping the lunch bag with the sandwiches in it. You give him one and open another yourself, taking out the pack of mayo to put it in between the bread.

"Hm, fuck, these are so good. Seriously. You should start a food business." Jungkook comments, munching on the sandwich.

You chuckle. "No, what the hell. I need to have a variety in the menu if I start something. I just can't sell sandwiches."

Jungkook shrug. "Eh, it could be like a special thing. __ Sandwich Exclusive Cafe. Something like that. Or just post these online, I'll go tell my friends about it and you'll get rich in a week. I have a celebrity friend."

Your laughter becomes louder, shoulders moving up and down.

"You sound like a crypto scammer that way. You should've started with, "Are you open-minded?" and that would've sold me."

Jungkook snorts at that, grabbing another sandwich from the bag. You take a dumpling from the take-out and extended it to his mouth, which he opens to take the food you offered him.

"If dad cuts me off completely I'll be one of those crypto dudes on Twitter, so you're not totally wrong."

You both laugh at that, with you pushing him slightly on his bicep.

"Well, I'll help you scam people, then. I'll be the one commenting on your tweets and vouching for your legitimacy."

Jungkook nods, pretending like he was thinking about it. "Hm. Or I can start an OnlyFans if it fails so that I can still give you your boba everyday."

You can't help but giggle.

"You know I always appreciate your sacrifice. Maybe we can start a Pornhub channel if I couldn't get admitted to law school."

Jungkook lets out a "tsk!". "Don't say that. With the way you study, you'll be overqualified." It was his turn to give you a dumpling then, which you ate just as quickly as he offered it. Jungkook smiles as he watches you chew on it. "But if it counts, I won't be opposed to us starting a Pornhub channel."

You search through the Chinese take out bags again to find your fried rice. As you did so, you opened it, not forgetting to reply to Jungkook and looking at him as you say, "Well, I'll have to practice my porn moan for that."

And just as soon as you said that you knew he already had something dirty to utter, and he doesn't fail you.

"Maybe we can practice tonight…" He said, voice intentionally going octave deeper.

You chuckle at his predictability.

"I knew you were gonna say that."

Before he could deny how predictable he was or brag about how quick-witted he was, you heard a bunch of footsteps on the court.

"Hey, Jeon! We're going!" Says one guy, looking at you both.

Jungkook turns to look at them and shouts back, "Yeah, see you around, Mingyu!"

"__!" They call you.

When you looked at them, they nodded, ready to leave, announcing their departure so you wave at them goodbye.

When they were out of sight, you asked Jungkook, "Hey, what's that about your Starbucks coupon?"

As if remembering something, Jungkook's eyes widened a little as he takes his phone from his pocket. "Oh, yeah I got one yesterday. Here." He looked inside his phone case and took out a card.

You leaned down to study it curiously, reading the benefits of the card holder getting a $50 token.

"Ohh, that's amazing! How'd you get this? I want one too."

Jungkook let you take the card and looked at it with you. "I don't really know, the barista just gave me this after I got some latte."

Oh. Hm. Interesting. You bet it was a woman barista.

"Hmm."

Jungkook shrugs. "It's probably because I gave her the exact amount of the payment in cash. I don't know."

Her. Exactly. She was probably the same barista who always looked at Jungkook funny whenever you two came there. She had an obvious crush and you couldn't really blame her. But it was funny, that Jungkook thought it was because he gave the exact amount of payment in cash the barista decided to give him a gift card. You would think his lowkey fuckboy ways would tell him that a woman likes him, but he was so clueless sometimes. If you were honest to yourself, you'd admit it was cute.

"You can be so clueless at times, Kook." You say, patting his shoulder.

"Huh?" He looks at you with that wide eyes of his, and boy, he really doesn't suspect a thing.

You shake your head. "Nothing."

You pat his head and Jungkook squints his eyes at you. You laugh at the little exchange and Jungkook's hand extends up to hold yours up his face and you tried to pull back, giggling, thinking he was gonna do something gross like bite your hand but he only presses his mouth to your palm, holding it against his face.

You smile. Soft and gentle.

"Dinner later at my place?" Jungkook says.

You nod.

It was hard to deny someone who makes your heart go all weird when he looked at you like that.

"Sure."

all rights reserved © AWRKIVE , 2023

[tapiokauwu]

ok guys...

sorry, I disappeared yesterday because I realized that I'm splitting on my best friend and now I want to kms because my mind won't stop telling me that I should isolate myself and disappear and leave everyone alone...

I also hate that my best friend is busy but I feel guilty because damn I should be happy that she has dreams and goals... like, I know most people are not like me lol

I have nothing I can actually look forward to, I just survive, I exist on this planet, I stay at home all day and most of the time I don't even get dressed and just wear my pajamas.

I know it, I've always known that she was different from me... she always has that light in her eyes when she talks about art and she loves drawing and painting and I enjoy seeing her happy doing something that she likes...

but I don't have anything like that. I spend my days playing videogames and reading comics, fighting against mood swings and the urge to die. My whole life is just trying to escape reality and distract myself from everything. I'm always bored to death so I have to do something that keeps my mind in another world so I don't see this reality I live in.

She used to play Genshin with me but now she's busy with art school and spends most of her time drawing, she doesn't play much anymore and logins like once every month... I rarely go outside even tho we hang out once in a while, but every time we do I feel like I'm a burden and I wish I was a better person so she could feel proud of me.

I'm so fucking useless. I dropped out of highschool because it didn't matter how smart I was and how hard I tried, everything just kept falling down. Everything I try fails miserably, whether it's my fault or not. I don't feel capable of finding a job and working because I always end up having a derealization episode that lasts hours and/or feeling very physically and mentally tired after only a couple of hours (even if it's not a tiring job) and at that point I feel sick and I become inefficient. And I have to mask. I constantly have to mask. Which is VERY DRAINING.

I've always been the "weird one" and the "psycho", but there are still people like my father who say shit like that my sh is "stupid" or strangers who tell me I should stop because "it hurts"... there's nothing in between, it's always "exaggerated" and "a phase" or "toxic" and "ew stay away from me". Like, I'm sorry man, I just want to live and be loved and do what everyone else does, but I just can't. It's like watching people do something fun and be happy and laughing together from behind a blurred window, and even tho I keep looking for a way to go outside and join them I can't find it. Thinking about it, even if I managed to escape and approach those people, they would just run away with a disgusted face like I did something wrong.

Idk what to do with this life anymore...

[toxicanonymity]

I have an important question (technically there's a few):

How did the Joelkémons react when slasher suddenly moved into the brothel? Do they like him? Is there drama? Did they talk shit about him to the camera? I'd like to know the tea, if there is any

-nightmare

Also, this isn't really connected to my other question but is vampire!joel a joelkémon or no?

Great question. Thighs out, stepdad, and night walks all wanted him let into the brothel. FAQ

Recap: Slasher has been waiting outside the Prime Time mansion. Some of the men are more excited than others about the prospect of him moving in. Slasher has only had one short story, but readers have launched a passionate campaign to get him into the mansion.

—--- Joelkemon Brothel: Slasher's first night

*Slasher walks into the brothel and Thighs Out slaps him on the back.* "There he is!"  Everyone but raider is getting ready to eat. Night walks says, "Alriiiight, come on in, buddy. Been pullin' for ya." 

Lincoln side-eyes the camera. Lincoln is serving dinner and gives Slasher none of the crusted part on his mac & cheese. 

Speakeasy is indifferent, but in his private interview with the camera, the producer manipulates him into almost talking smack, like, "do you think it was unusual the way slasher got into the brothel? Do you think he would've gotten in without @jazziepascal's passionate campaign and @bonezone44's art? Why do you think it happened that way? How many times has he even done something on camera?" Speakeasy thinks for a moment. Then the only thing you see on camera is out of context, speakeasy saying "well shit I guess he's only been on-screen one time." (Spliced together with a selective clip of something else he said). "he woulda had to prove himself without the art." (leaving off "i dunno if" he woulda)

Then in Lincoln's interview the producer eggs him on. "Speakeasy thinks slasher might not even be here if it weren't for bonezone."  Lincoln takes a deep breath. "bonezone? *My* bonezone? The one that drew me?" The producer eats it up. "Yeah. Does that bother you? Slasher said there might be another one on the way at some point too" Lincoln takes another deep breath through his nose. Then he takes off his mic, fumbling with it for a few seconds before dropping it in the chair and walking out. The producer mumbles "oh shit" and urgently calls night walks in for his interview.

Night walks and the producer have a mostly inaudible conversation off-camera. You can hear the producer's end of the convo. 

"I dunno, just distract him . . . Hey, where's raider, why isn't he-. . .ok (via radio she pages another producer to go get raider). . . Idk whatever, just distract him. . . Ah, fuck. You know I don't have that kind of authority. . . But I'll ask her, sure." 

Night walks says "hell yeah" and the producer says "go, go, go."   Then I get a call from the producer begging me to let night walks come twice in his next escapade. I get suspicious and say I'm coming down there. 

While I'm on my way down from the penthouse night walks goes back into the kitchen where the guys are eating and tries to act casual.  Lincoln is glaring at slasher. Night walks is like "what do you guys think about Vampire?" Raider walks in and sits next to Lincoln, watching his every move.  Free Use answers Night Walks. "I guess that would be the guy who dragged a coffin across the lawn yesterday?" 

Stepdad is like, "ya think?" 

Stepdad sees me first and  gets up from the table, confronting me before i even make it into the kitchen. “Now all the audience is fuckin’ pissed at me.”  I tell him they'll get over it, and some people actually feel bad for him.  “They drag me on discord thinking up ways to punish me.”   I try not to smile. “Oh you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” he asks me.  I remind him at least he has a vacation coming up -- unless he doesn't wanna go. 

Vampire Joel is not in the brothel, he's setting up camp like Slasher was, in Slasher's camper.

Click the joelkémon art tag to find the art and joelkémon sitcom ☠️ for prior episodes.

[itspdameronthings]

Inside Mitch's Mind Ch3

Summary:: Here it is! Took me all day to finish! Our boy planning something big! Not saying to much!

Today is the day! The day has come at last! Donnie's carlot is passin ownership. Gotta look sharp. Just know the suit to wear. See a vision in the mirror. Could tell somethin is wrong. Wish she would tell me. Turned,” Jury is out baby. Tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help. Oh wait. Is it me finally closin the car deal? Afraid might leave ya behind? Nah, that's not gonna happen. We are a team remember? We will figure this out together. Now come here sugar. Let me hold ya.* She holds me close. Tears in her eyes as she whispers,” In a way? Yes. Might miss working with my man all day. Feel safe. Bar has been my home for so long! What's gonna come of it? Tell me you're giving it up! It's your baby! “ Oh my baby is scared of the future. Rome wasn't built in a day. Still haven't finalized on the employee list. Have to find a way to calm her nerves. Looked down,” I'm not givin up on Bred to Buck. Would never do that. Reason… why… I'm thinking about passin ownership to you baby. Helped me a lot through the years. Especially with the renovations . Ya know how to handle the books since ya helped me with them. Still perform,and so will you. If ya want to.” That declaration made her whimper with either joy,or sadness again. Can't till at the moment. Kiss her head again,” l love you baby. Ya know that? How about ya get dressed. Want my baby there,and afterwards? Gonna celebrate. Do anything ya want. “ Look up at me again smile,” Do you have faith in me to run the bar? Mitch, baby, never done that before. It might go under!” Kiss her lips again,” Got a family to help remember? Have Goodie,and Dwight to the other stuff. You always wanted to run the bar right? Now's your chance. I mean when I said about performin. Have a beautiful voice. Not sayin that  as your boyfriend. Sayin as someone who believes in ya. Now we really need to get ready for that meeting.” 

As I pull up to the car lot.Looking at the vast rows of cars! Shit another adventure awaits me. Taking a deep breath. Trying not to look nervous. Breezy squeezes my hand to give me some courage. So glad she's here. Her first time being here. Not the last time my darlin. Oh she would be here a lot. Told her she would bring me lunch,and “ other” stuff I need the most. Behind closed doors. Okay, I'll figure that out later on. Time to sign dem papers! Donnie couldn't stop staring at Breezy. Had to tell him to remember he's married,and she's all mine. Love to make her blush as she leaned against me as we sat down. It's official! At last ! The lot is mine!! 

Took a walk around the lot. Boy! Lots to take in. Sat on one the car hoods. Pat spot next to me,” Come on darlin. Sit next to me. Watch the sun set. Better yet. Snuggle with your man. Oh honey bee. Have so many ideas for the place. Don't know where to begin. Think I'll ask Fred,and the others to stop by tomorrow to see what kind of ideas they have. So… how about we get out of here? Dinner awaits,and something special afterwards?” Noticed her looking up at me with sparkingness in those beautiful eyes of hers,” Exactly where are we going? Hope somewhere nice. Love to be alone with you,and no one else around Love those kinds of dates ya know.* Oh she would love this one. We're going to Bred to Buck. Had the place closed for a special event . 

Gee, I hope she likes what I have in store for her. Thinking about this moment for a long fucking time. After her gettin hurt made me realize somethin. Life is too short. Time to make it happen. 

Deadline yesterday: 

Just me and the boys around the bar yackin about shit. Nothin important till  Tyson noticed me dropping on the floor. His brown eyes bugged out,” Tell me that's what I think it is man?! After all these years with her? Gonna grow through it? “ Pat his shoulder,” Yep I am . Can't wait any longer. Every time I tried. Either life happens,and shit,and I lose my nerve. Time is now. After signin them papers tomorrow. Plan on proposing. Meanin we're postponing the opening. “ Dwight knows the whole story since I kind of told him once while drinking. Told me love like that doesn't come often. That's true. Never thought I'll find someone like her. Not even when I was younger. Bout to say something when Goodie shots,” Looks who decide to come to work. Our other sharpshooter. Wanna be the first one to say . Welcome back .” See the others hug her, even Armand . Heard him whisper that he's sorry.  Part of me want to believe him. Gonna take time. Walked over,* Hey, y'all don't have any other things to do? Meaning….” Dwight nods as he leaves the room. Not before placing the ring in the hiding place where I can find it later. Alone at last. Kiss her forehead,* Thought you're gonna be home restin. Doctors orders remember?” Looking up at me with those beautiful eyes. Never stop looking at them,” Couldn't sit home. Too quiet ya know. Not the same without Pop. Miss him so much. Thought I'll come over to help set it up for tomorrow.” 

Chuckles as I pull her close to smell her special scent,” Think ya heard wrong my little girl. I'ts day after tomorrow. Place is reserved for a private event. Very hush hush. Besides, Have a meeting tomorrow. If ya be so inclined to accompany me?* 

Breezy pulls me out of my thoughts.Smile while opening the car door like a gentleman I am,* All of your answers will be answered soon darlin. Need a female opinion on the decorations for the private party. Then we can go out . Promise.” Look at me with that” I know something's up “ look as we approach the door to see a beautiful table for two lights down low. Whisper ,” clients left a note for us to change our not outfits. Clothes are in the office. See? The clients were here years ago. Met each other here. Thought the would be a nice touch ya know. * Kisses my lips as she leaves,” Think that's a sweet idea. Wish I could remember them. Bet ya do. You, my cowboy, have a photographic memory. Love to help. Think I'll remember them when they arrive?” Winked,” Yeah, ya will no get. They're on the way.”

Moment later I'm in my flannel shirt jean combo ,and baseball cap leaning against the bar at the very spot I was that day. . Nervous as shit now! No holdin back now. Hear her voice. Okay, it's time. See her in that outfit still takes my breath away. Cleared my throat,” Tell me that you have experience in bein a waitress. I'm dyin here “ See she's a bit confused for a moment till he says* “ You get your boots I do, my name is Breezy Rosemarie Miller. Been waitin on tables at my family’s dinner back in TX. Have pretty good experience with serving drinks . So.. when do I start?” Steps forward” You're hired. Name’s Mitch Keller.” 

Think she caught on to my plan. Cleared my throat,” Time to fess up. Planned this evening for us. I Want to do something special for my baby girl. Ever since that day. Felt like fate brought you to me. To fill my full life with some joy. Gave ya a safe haven to heal your fragile mind, heart ,and soul. Been through so much through the years. My partner.” Oh one knee,and holds the ring in my hand,” I love you Breezy . So much. Would you do the honor to be my wife?* Hand covers her mouth as she cries,” Yes! I'll be yours forever! How ..?* After slipping the ring on her finger,” Been wanna propose to ya for a while now. After.. almost loosin ya thought time was too short. Might not have another shot with all of that drama we endured. Need some happiness. When the time is right? How about we go,and see your brothers? Haven't seen Benny boop in awhile.* Hugs me close again,” Love that. Can't wait to tell them the good news.” 

@dameronscopilot @musings-of-a-rose @marmie-noir @watermeezer

[inconsideratekidney]

10/22/24

good evening y'all,

question (/hot take?): do you prefer toaster ovens or air fryers?

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i'm curious why people put stickers on poles and other public structures. why do they waste good stickers on public spaces? sure i don't want a furry sticker or an anime one, but someone does, so why do people throw them up everywhere? i'd say keep them if you bought them! i know some are advertisements, but i see the same furry wolf sticker every week and do not need to see it. if you like it, keep it or advertise it on your own belongings, not on a public space.

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can you get along with someone who is very similar to you? do you just get someone that is very similar to you or do you clash and butt heads often? for me it depends on the person and the differences (wow, no shit!) but like seriously, yeah.. if our differences are that we both share the same trait, but in different ways, then yeah we're bound to actually be more different, but when we both have the same personality and humor is works out nicely. it's either water and oil or bread and butter. now i want some bread and butter, ooooh, no i want garlic bread.

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how does one achieve that tomboy aesthetic, while also maintaining femininity? i've had this problem since elementary school, believe it or not. i can't tell if people think i have it all together fashion-wise cuz i don't. i often see people wear similar things every day and have a general style--even if that style is extraordinary and extravagant or if they're gender fluid--i still see somewhat of a pattern, but what do they think in their heads? i'm constantly annoyed when a fit doesn't eat and also isn't comfy. it irks me that a fit is just mid and plain and stupid. when i put effort into it and it just looks like i did nothing or like i cant match a style to my body type. i still don't know what my body type is and what style would look best.

i did actually find myself recently thinking of friends and others i see on a regular basis and what clothing i would put them in or what i think would look best on them and it's honestly so much fun, until i can't focus on it for very long. i cannot daydream or fantasize on purpose which is rough when i actually have cool ideas. i wish my brain let me focus on one thing, then i'd have more to write about in this section. womp womp.

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one second i crave chocolate, and the next i crave cheese. what is up with that?? i really want one of those cheddar baked-on bagels ever since i saw someone eat it yesterday. i know i won't like it, but i want to have it. i also really love brie now. has anyone else been getting those cooking videos where all they do basically is bake garlic and smear it on bread with brie or make pesto and smear that on, drizzle a shit ton of olive oil at like every step and tons of salt and pepper at the end. crazy how at one point i saw so many of those videos and they just stick with me. love them, but they do bamboozle me. one account can just label themself as a cooking channel, but mostly post the same garlic recipe five thousand times. i will like every single one they post, but will still be annoyed they know how to get people like me. i am still shaking my fist at the stupid good algorithm.

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i wrote something yesterday while walking to class and added a bit more to it:

something about the warmth of the wind and the liveliness of the swaying flora around summoned her attention to the auburn leaves and singing fronds about. suddenly the depths of the internet mattered no more than benign particles floating just out of sight. her gaze traveled to the earth around calling out for one glimpse of recognition. one existence waiting peacefully to be noticed and appreciated by the bumbling folks who don't often pay any mind to the beauty around them. only then when her breath come back into her body did she realize she had forgotten everything prior to this moment. she took it all in, breathed in and out, and continued about her day.

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it is a struggle for me to not pick up leaves off of the ground lately. i'm kinda addicted to leaves rn. got a whole bunch of them sitting on my window sill..i'm not kidding, there's probably at least 20 or 30. and i love them all. all so beautiful in their own ways even with their "imperfections" which are totally perfect to me. i love every leaf i see on the ground, but especially the vivid orange and red ones. i do love a good brown and green leaf as well tho, gotta represent my favorite colors.

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anyshways, i felt like this was a good blog. it felt genuine and not over the top ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tldr?: it didn't feel that long, but there's always someone who thinks it is

toaster oven or air fryer?

stickers in public

opposite persons

tomboy/feminine style

food...

something i wrote

leaves!!!

idk if these tldr's are useful or not, but i like summarizing and it keeps me on track knowing i gotta write one so i don't go on and on. maybe i should put these at the beginning, but i don't wanna. >:(

guten tag,

kD >:p

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Dry

Hey, A.

I didn't bring the grass seed because it's so damn dry it won't grow. Your grave doesn't even look that strange now because everyone else's grass is so burned out. It's still hot, which sucks.

Anyway the Boy took his first shot at the ACT Saturday. I asked him how it went and he said, "Fine." Of course. And then he went on to casually tell me without an ounce of arrogance or pretension that he 'might have gotten a 36 on the reading section.' He reminds me so much of you sometimes I wonder if somehow you're not some sort of cosmic auxillary dad for him. That's almost exactly shit you'd say and how you'd say it. Except of course your 36 would have been math instead and it'd make me want to shoot you with a rubber band or something. Even though you wouldn't be trying to be smug about it.

We went bike riding with my godfather yesterday through the neighborhood my grandparents and aunt and uncle (his parents) lived in, and all the way along the riverside to Cincinnati right in front of the ballpark. I thought how were never going to get to go to another ballgame together. Thought about getting you a rock off the street but I didn't. I didnt want the Boy to think about why I was picking a rock off the street and I didn't want my godfather to ask me about it, but I'm gonna go back sometime and get you a rock from the ballpark. I brought you the one L sent me from Colorado. She's into crystals and whatever so she says it's got something to do with heart chakras being aligned or I dunno. But I just wanted you to have something from Colorado because she's the friend I've visited the most out of town. Should have been you. You should have been the most visited friend. You are now even though I hate coming to a grave to see you. 💔😥 My car automatically drives here now like going to work or the Boy's school or my mom's house. Shit I'd be here every day if it wasn't a 25 minute drive. I miss you.

J is away and I've wanted to text you about 1000 times. I'm afraid for some reason every time I come here that all the rocks will be gone. Or that you'll be gone. Sometimes I even hope you'll be gone. Like you were never really here. But it's this weird bitter comfort that everything is still here when I get here each time. Christ we're coming up on a year pretty quick now and I still can't believe you're here. It still doesn't feel real. It probably never will.

The grave straight behind yours has a bunch of Happy Birthday stuff on it and it makes me wonder (hope?) that when I come here after your birthday next month if yours will finally have something on it that I didn't put there. I can't stand that I'm gonna have a birthday without you. Yours isn't going to be right behind me. Well it is but you won't be here for me to send you the weirdest birthday meme I can find and have you say, 'Where do you even FIND this shit?! 🤣'. Instead I'll be bringing a rock here.

I didn't cry this time. Maybe I'm feeling the drought too. Or maybe it's because now even though you don't answer me with words and I can't hug you or hear your laugh that you've become my most visited friend. Wish it were under different circumstances but this is right, you know? How it should have always been. That I visit you most. You've always been the most constant. The most helpful. The person I could talk to the easiest. The quickest to respond. The one I could always count on to show up and come back. I'll be back. Maybe even before your birthday. Maybe I'll be here for mine. I love you, my dear friend. ❤️❤️❤️

[omaenanimonoda]

9 Fandom Peeps to Get to Know Better:

Tagged by @theworldisabrokenbonebutitishome and @forerussake - thanks guys!

3 Ships You Like: my brain could go in 10 different directions here in addition to the most obvious course, but most recently, hmmm - Ye Liuxi/Chang Dong (West out of Yumen) they were awfully cute together. I'd rewatch if the Youtube version wasn't such a mess. And still somehow surprisingly to me, pingxie- every time a post pops up it reminds me that oh yeah I do really feel them. And recently, fanghua (really!) after reading a fic that tossed me unceremoniously over the line. I'm not done making noise about that either.

First Ship Ever: I guess the first one I was really conscious of (and read fic for) was Mulder/Scully. damn that feels like an aeon ago, another life

Last Song You Heard: Kendall Tavern/Dancing in Allihies by Jenna Moynihan (it's a tune technically but I think that counts). as someone who plays a lot of music (instruments) I tend to listen to things I play or want to play, which means I'm usually listening to some odd shit.

Favourite Childhood Book: it's difficult to remember I blew through so many, although a lot were my mother's books and not necessarily for kids ..maybe Island of the Blue Dolphins? I cannot remember whether it was assigned to us in school or if I read it on my own, or both. Probably both!

Currently Reading: rereading クスノキの番人 by Higashino Keigo, so I can absorb more vocabulary than I did the first time around. Last time I was in Japan I didn't have a list of books to find and was aimlessly looking around- this one was on display and just sounded interesting so I grabbed one. It was cute, just slightly supernatural and sentimental - wouldn't be surprised if it gets animated or made into a short tv series. That and at the same time also 二百二十日 by Natsume Soseki because I love being at least mildly confused and challenged at all times.

Currently watching: Rewatching MLC just for the feels and also trying to figure out how to watch Ying Yang Master without having to give Netflix my cc number. Also would like to know where people are accessing the unofficial copies of Spirealm since the recent barrage of gifsets of a frighteningly young-looking Huang Junjie suggests it's around somewhere - anyone know?

Currently consuming: blueberries and just a little cabot plain greek yogurt - expensive but so good. I figure if food is gonna cost over $10 every time then I'd might as well eat something healthy that i'll want every day.

Currently craving: at the moment I'd love these clouds to clear up. It's Saturday in late February and the sun would be nice on my day off. Would love to go on a hike to look for oyster mushrooms though I never have good luck finding those. Update: went for a short jog and it felt like I woke up with someone else's legs today, in a bad way. I want the energy I had on Monday. Probably the fault of the junk I ate yesterday - trying broccoli and brown rice tonight, will try again tomorrow and see if it helps (usually does).

Tagging: As usual I think my mutuals are in on this already - anyone interested in a new set of questions? Maybe I could come up with something

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Aug 18

The scale is still saying 113.5, I've binged the past 2 days (actually out of control eating whatever nonsense I can find kinda binges) but I'm going to do better today :)

I got a new notebook so I can start a new journal which always feels like a good symbolic fresh start. After the past couple weeks it really does feel like a new chapter is starting. Making plans for camping with D this week in the old familiar beach towns, so that'll be nice, maybe he'll come meet my family after a couple days of camping, we'll see how it unfolds. Drinking another cup of tea rn bc I forgot to get coffee; hitting the old vapes bc I'm insane and I should just go buy a new one until I'm actually ready to address the addiction.

The new journal has the dot grid instead of lines which makes me feel extra productive haha something about it. Made a couple tracking charts to get on track with goals again, and a nice big to-do list so it's all in one place :) maybe I'll actually get my shit together this time (I say that every time i start a new journal haha.) also thinking about L getting back home and immediately diving back into his life and goals and projects, meanwhile i got here and immediately went on a weed + wine bender and turned into a fog machine for 3 days ... Doing better today though, I'll check some things off the to-do list, it's fine to relax and reset and work at your own pace. It's nice to have motivated ambitious friends who inspire me to do better. Yesterday I thought real hard about giving into the negativity spiral and then I thought about L and was like, I want to do better! (Also dug out the old dying vapes from the van and maybe that lil bit of nicotine was enough to pull me back from the edge lol.)

Anyway. Life is good today. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed like there was no hope of ever accomplishing anything or moving forward or doing anything interesting or special; today I feel like I got it under control and I can just keep taking baby steps and the path is unfolding as I keep walking :) amazing what a good organization system can do for you. That's another thing L inspired, he's as ADHD as I am but he's got all these systems that keep his things in order and i feel like i need to get better at that, creating systems and structures for myself to work around/inside of. I create them and follow along for a couple weeks and then get distracted/do something else, but I think if I can keep working out a system that eventually works for me, that might make all the difference between needing Adderall vs not needing Adderall haha. Still considering getting the scrip refilled but I'm gonna give it one more try first.

[firefly-lemons]

@writing-prompt-s you probably won't see this but I'm too lazy to scroll back to prompt to reblog it, it was the one with the dead co-working coming back into work.

I sigh as my cereal swirls, surrounding my spoon. The milk ripples. It's beautiful, the patterns it makes. As the milk swells, it almost makes me forget abou- suddenly I see it.

The image. 

That image.

It keeps replaying itself in my mind. Lurking in the corners of my eyes, cautiously creeping in. Crashing into my thoughts. It sends me spinning down. Down. 

Down. I need to talk to someone.

I need to talk to her.

I rub my eyes, scrubbing them, trying to rid myself of the dirt staining my eyes. I fish for the last few Cheerios (with varying success). God I can't believe they're making us go to work after . . .

I quickly stand up, holding the table to stabilize for a second as my vision blurs before grabbing my bowl and falling more than walking back into the kitchen. I carefully stack the bowl on top of the growing heap of dirty plates, bowls, spoons and who knows what else buried there. The pile heaves a second, groaning with the added weight before settling down. (I'll get to them later) God. That's what she would've thought before . . .

God. Clarissa. 

Job.

Work.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Work. I snap my eyes to the stove. 8:34. Fuck. Please. Please, Please be a late bus. I fly past the sink, past the couch, out the door. Shoes half on. Bag hanging off shoulder. Frizzy Hair flapping.

I quickly lock the door and dodge through the strangely empty sidewalks. Left. Right. Left. Right. Almost There. Left. Right. Person. Left. Right. Sign. Left. Right. Left. Fuck bike. stay in your lane. You're going to get hit idiot. Right. Left. There's the bus. Right. Sigh. Left. Slow. I Dive through the automatic doors. Made it! I gasp in relief, panting heavily as I sag onto one of the surprisingly empty seats. This is the A, the standing room only - beating heart of commuter travel - bus. Love it or hate it. She loved it. I never understood why.

My heart pounds heavily in my ear. I look around trying to find something to focus on. Ooo, I try looking out the windows (she loved the windows). The city flies by, the trees, the people, the constant motion soothes me. I sort of see it. The beauty in this creaky thing.

It slithers in, the image. So slowly that I don't catch it until it's to late. It sneaks in from the reflection dancing on the windows (covered in grubby graffiti scratches), the edges of that strange guy I don't recognize (drinking himself dead in the front, beer forming rivers around him). I see why she loves it now. I wish I hadn't teased her relentlessly about it. That image creeps itself to the front. I don't know how or when I stopped thinking about the windows. 

Every detail of this trip from yesterday floods in vividly. Washing through my thoughts. The Bus. The angry guy who didn't want to pay. Work. Clarissa stuck in a meeting. The smell of the rubble, the smoke, the...

I look out the windows again, diverting my attention. It's fine I only need to get through one day at a time. If I don't think about it. It could almost not have happened (ha if it were only that easy). I remember the grit flying into my eye . . .

Window.

The tall autumn trees blur together as the bus rushes past. I rub my eyes trying to get the muck stuck to them like glue. The colorful storefronts rush past, run down, but still fighting tooth and nail for attention. A person fallen in the street. Wait, I glance back. Nothing. The flashy neon signs declaring buildings "Open" (like anyone would go in there). The rows of houses peaking through crossroads. The fuck is that car doing, They're going to get themselves killed. Oh 45. That's me. I pat down my hair and sling my bag over my shoulder. The bus slows down to a stop. I get up. forcing myself out of my sweet and drag myself to the doors. I plaster on a fake smile "everything's fine smile" before making my way to the doors. I nod at the new doorman. Gritting my teeth as the smile claws up my face tearing into me, I try to pretend everything is normal.

Everything is fine. Except 

Except her.

A torrent tugs at my eye. Not here, not now. I plead with myself as I check in, swearing I could see her in the staircase window. I force myself not to look up. I focus on the weight of the pen in my hand, the smooth paper the - curiosity overtakes me. I glance up expecting nothing but wanting so much. -

A beat passes.

Nothing.

I stare at the window below before looking away. All at once my heart races as she passes by.

"Clarissa?

Clarissa!" I yell

I . . .

isn't she . . .

But she's there . .

She's here.

She enters the lobby.

She's walking briskly.

She's alive.

I freeze. The tears slip out slowly, washing some of that dust away. I stare at the window. Feeling each drop slide down my silky skin. 

I almost run towards her. I squeeze her tightly trying to tether her to me.

Wait.

Isn't she?

I sob into her shoulder as she pulls me in squeezing me tightly.

I take a few moments before pulling away to look her in her eyes.

"Clarissa, how . . .

how the fuck are you alive?" I say (a few people I don't recognize throw me dirty looks)

She pauses and takes a moment before I finally hear her say

"You were looking pretty pale after that day too", with a drop of knowing dancing in her eyes just out of reach.

A beat passes.

"Maybe a little too pale."

She doesn't say any more but she smiles softly wrapping her arms over me like a scarf. I sigh. The plastered smile fades into the real one. I could live in this moment. Her arms warm and comforting. Her heart beating with mine. Just feeling her breathing next to me again. In and out. Back and forth. Gently rocking like the A. Breathe in breathe out. The air feels fresher. In and out. Back and forth.

She slowly raises her arms off of me raising them, like I was some scared stray cat she was trying not to startle. Lost and alone. (Maybe I was.)

"Please don't go"

A beat

"I have meeting now darling" 

Her words rip though me, letting the fake smile wrap my lips up again. The "please don't leave me again" hovering on the tip of my tongue. Suddenly I hear someone yelling my name exasperatedly, I look around. Fucking Gerald.

Let me have my moment.

I sigh turning back.

She's gone.

Gerald storms over.

I, in Geralds very colorful words "get the fuck to work."

I go to the elevator. Push a button. Any button. Slam my fist into the buttons. They light up like my insides. I sigh. The elevator goes up. Beeps. I draw a frowny face. Goes up. Beeps. Goes up. I shouldn't have done that. I sigh. I get off. I make my way to my desk.

Work. 

Work work work.

So much work

I see her through the glass of a meeting room.

She had a meeting that day. 

Yesterday. 

The day when.

When she.

I bolt up.

The explosion echos in my ears, little bits of shrapnel lodging themselves in my eyes. I see Clarissa. Collapsed. Crumpled. Crushed.

A lifeless heap.

The explosions echo. My vision fades in and out.

The image stains my mind.

The explosion echos. I wake up. Get out of bed. Pulling on clothes. Dragging myself into the kitchen. Make cereal. Bringing it into the dining room. I sit down in a chair, pull the other one out, and push it back. I don't know how long I sit there looking at that empty chair.

I sigh. My cereal swirls, surrounding my spoon. The milk ripples, it's beautiful the patterns it makes as it swells it almosts makes me forget abou- suddenly I see it. 

The image. 

That image.

It keeps replaying itself in my mind. Lurking in the corners of my eyes, cautiously creeping in, crashing into my thoughts. It sends me spinning. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to her.

[tjsplace]

jun 23

3 pm

i set the timer to get my shit together in an hour and a half. hopefully i obey this time. drinking a beer, maybe two. smoking cigarettes and getting high. should that be what i need to be writing songs about? my addictions? instead of wow i suffered so much i don't want it anymore songs. been watching daisy jones and the six. i like the show and i like the book. i really wanna keep rereading it, but i can never find a place comfortable enough to read. and i can't smoke while holding the book open. i need to focus on the words but i like scraping the surface of my conscience. that's also a good line. i'm on a roll. then i'll hate everything i write. i need to make my bed, clean my room, clean the bathroom, rehearse and do vocal exercises, and also do the stretches and whole body movements so i can finally record vocals. i wanna record a short video to upload to instagram, just me singing and playing so much for love, or another song? no, so much for love is fine. i need to shower and wait though. because my eyes show how high i am. i think. i just looked at myself in the mirror and maybe i don't look so fucked. maybe i do. god i wanna be fucked. i wanna be fucked every moment of the day and every man i meet is trash. i don't even know how to flirt, so i probably friendzone guys i find attractive without noticing. flirting makes me uncomfortable. the closeness and complicity. intimacy is too scary. i've maybe avoided it all my life to be honest. with luca, with diego, even with pierre.

5.16 pm

i just cleaned my bathroom, half my room and i'm back at my desk with just a bit of coffee. i gotta shower and record the video. i'm not sure if i should do vocal exercises first. i should really take a shower. i'm so tired. but what else could i do? find another show to watch and distract myself from the void in my heart? how can i expect to be a good performer if i don't rehearse? i'm so fuckin' tired. maybe a small break will do. what do people do when they do nothing? sometimes i write, sometimes i get high. most of the time i get high and smoke and drink to be honest. i already drank three large beers today. i want more but i don't got it. maybe i can shower and try on my new dress. maybe it'll look better on me today than yesterday. i was so depressed when i tried it on. it looked horrible. my mom told me to try it on again some other time when i'm not so anxious. tomorrow i have therapy and i hope to not dissociate. it's happened so often these past few weeks i don't even know what i say during the sessions.

11.36 pm

i can't even tell when i'm high anymore. i need a drink to feel something. weed and alcohol. and cigarettes if you count them. perfect combo. champion's breakfast. i'm kidding. but a night in with a beer and a joint and my marlboros, perfect. also nights out partying. mostly in someone else's place. i miss partying. feels like i haven't gone out in months. but last weekend i got drunk at my high school friend's place. everything was spinning and i laid down on the couch next to them. i don't know if i fell asleep.

[mikibwrites]

personal crap under the cut, massive tw for self harm and the thoughts that go along with that.

I wanted to apologize for my absence on here lately. I know you've seen me reblogging n liking sometimes, and i do enjoy coming on here when i have a couple extra spoons bc I love reading everyone's wip posts and the like. When i have even more spoons i try and go back and comment on things i've read and try to be upbeat but most of the time it feels like a lie (not the things i say in comments i MEAN those i definitely mean all the wonderful things i have to say abt your fic, it just feels like im faking a smile for the moment when im making the comment if that makes sense idk)

the truth is i'm not okay. i haven't been okay in....a long time. up until a couple of months ago i was pretty good at masking but it's like i've lost the ability to even do that. i go to work and do what i can to get thru the day. i come home and i barely speak. my husband worries, i know he does, but he doesn't know what to do. the other day at work i dropped a paper clip on the floor while trying to clip some papers together and my mind immediately went "you deserve to die a painful death". and i just thought....yeah. true.

i'm not going to do it. i know im not. mostly in life i tend to just hurt myself in ways that linger. burns. hitting myself till i bruise. stop eating. eat too much. things like that.

also i isolate. i isolate so much that i lose decades long friendships. just bc i can't find the wherewithal to respond to a message. and they end up thinking its their fault when its not. not at all. but then what else are they supposed to think when i essentially ghost them? when i have absolutely zero ability to keep up a convo even in DMs. if You're reading this (which im sure You're not bc why would you) Im sorry. I've thought about you at least once a day every day since you left. I honestly do not know if i could've done better. maybe i was always a piece of shit. You definitely deserve better. You don't want to know nor should you care what i did to myself after i read your last message. bc it is no way your fault and you should not feel anything abt it. but. yeah.

i'm talking abt this friendship i lost and i don't even know when it happened. it feels like it was yesterday. but i could have been years for all i know. time doesn't make sense anymore. i don't sleep. i don't take care of myself. i'm a shell. and yet i get up and go to work every day bc i will be homeless if i don't.

i don't even really know what i'm trying to say here. i guess maybe im trying to tell anyone i've befriended in any of my fandoms that im still here but im not like...here. and im not okay. not by a long shot. but like. i'm trying. also i see every time someone tags me and it makes me ache bc even if it's a copy/paste of a prewritten list, someone remembered i exist today, outside of what people need from me. i have given all of myself and my psyche to a job i used to love but now cannot stand. it's nice to feel acknowledged by someone who doesn't want anything from me other than to show me something they're proud of. it's nice.

so anyway. sorry for the steam of consciousness. i just. needed to say something somewhere. and also apologize for ghosting anyone. i tend to do that.

[waterforlorn]

day four. october 10th. 9:02am

day five. october 11th. 11:38 am

two days are gonna go in one entry, cause i already know i ain't gonna do SHIT today and i didn't get to write anything down yesterday. turns out nico's decided that being sappy in just one place wouldn't cut it. so he took me not only to 1 waterfall, but 3. you'd think if you saw one, you saw them all, but nah.

i hate how easy this is to him, like he's never done anything else in his damn life while i'm barely hanging on. like, i'm FINE, i'm not worried per se, i'm just taking every day as it comes. i'm trying to adapt to nico's pace, trying to keep up with him and i think i'm not doing terribly but geez. days like today DO make me worry if he isn't gonna realize i ain't relationship material. i wouldn't blame him if he dropped me for someone more.... well, more. just more ... i don't even know how to word it cause sure, i'm lacking in something i never wanted to even be good at in the first place so it's not like i wish i'd done differently in the past to be better.

i know i wouldn't. i didn't WANT to until that dumbass looked at me with his stupid puppy eyes. one hook up was all i wanted. maybe a few more. casual shit. but how can i run from someone whose happiness makes ME happy? the moment i set foot into the hepha-whatever cabin after avoiding him for like what? days? a week? don't remember. the way he beamed when he saw me. i never fucking cared about other people's happiness, even less so what they thought of me. until nico. such a damn bother.

he demanded we take a picture together like an actual couple, which.. i mean... we ....are? yeah. kinda. i guess? like, we didn't exactly talk about it, but we talked about retiring together, we exchanged weapons... i mean like... even if i wanted to claim we aren't.. we ARE. the nice lady taking our picture was way too nosy but nico ...handled her so i didn't have to. thank fuck.

i thought we'd grab lunch after and maybe get back on the road, but no. second waterfall, nico ... i don't even know how he did it, but we had a picnic there. a picnic. like a pair of dumbasses. it was good though, guess he found someone to prep food for him. no picture that time. though he did kiss me and some guy with kids semi-choked. not the first time i've witnessed that. though i never felt defensive about it before. i never really cared about the people who kissed me in public, i just wanted to get off.

nico held me back though. good thing he's calm. sometimes. cause i ain't. like ever. by the time we reached the third waterfall, it was dark and of course he knew. cause when we came there and i told him we should just go back because going to see a waterfall in after sunset made no sense... well, of course nico knew what he was doing. it fucking glowed in the dark. don't ask me why someone thought it a good idea, but the place was crowded, so ... someone had a pretty good idea when they decided that. it was pretty.

after that, well.. we were busy for most of the night. i thought about sneaking out of bed to write, but nico at night... is like.. fifty percent security system, fifty person huggy bear. you get up, he'll know and worry. you don't get up, he'll snuggle your ass off. not .......that i mind. I DON'T. i like the way his body feels against mine even when we're NOT fucking.

soooo yeah it's like.. 12 pm by now. uh, not sure what the plan is for today, but i'm guessing food and driving, which is fine with me. i can drive for a while, too. i wonder if nico has more of these ... uhhhh dates? was it a date? well, kinda? whatever. i wonder if he's got more planned. guess i'll find out. kind of unfair HE got to prepare and i'm getting dragged along. WHATEVER.

nico's out getting breakfast... or lunch. both kinda. i can't believe i slept till 11. way to piss off my schedule. but it's okay. IT'S OK. i can derivate from the schedule sometimes. i'll be fine. it was worth it, too.

thoughts and emotions and stuff uh... think i got into that already up top but.. feeling a little frustrated with stuff. torn .. yeah. maybe overwhelmed, but like i'm not panicking. i'm just... overwhelmed and trying to follow the current. otherwise... i'm good. i mean like.. really good. pretty damn good if i ignore the little voice singing for me to find a target.

as for plans? just ... trying to think of a way to show appreciation i guess. nico's trying really hard and i feel like it's a pretty one-sided process for him. I KNOW WHY but he doesn't. i don't think he realizes he's the big exception.

and i hope he never finds out. he'd be unstoppable.

[spellboundshadow]

Polyamory and Me: Beyond the Kitchen Table

PROMPT: Where are you on your polyam journey and where do you hope to go? (from Polyamory Uncensored)

In this journal entry, I'll breakdown the building blocks of my personal brand of polyamory. First, it's crucial to understand the framework that underpins it all: I practice hierarchal, D&D-table, family-oriented, omnisexual polyamory. At this time, I would be unwilling to do any other versions of those defined terms, so these are the terms I'll be breaking down in this writing.

My Polyamorous Present

Hierarchal

Hierarchy in polyamory is defined as: "In hierarchical polyamory, certain partners are considered to have priority over others." (Britannica.com) ... yes I just quoted an encyclopedia.

This one is controversial, but I have come to believe that all polyamory is hierarchal in some way. Humans love ranking things. And real talk, there is priority given where time and emotional investment are spent. Because those things are finite resources.

I've also learned the hard way that by trying to consider someone "equal" who is not interested in that is only going to end in hurt and disaster. What MzRhythm and I have is really special. And trying to shoe-horn someone into a similar position in my life isn't fair to anyone. However! I think it's important to remember that ALL people are deserving of equal respect and dignity.

I commented on a polyamory post (which I can't find) about a year ago asking "is hierarchy inherently unethical?" and the response that I found most interesting was someone saying something along the lines of "I can't imagine every considering any partner as less than another." We went on to explore that the person in question lives in a polyfidelity triad situation with no kids ... which is very different than my situation. But that conversation was really helpful in defining for myself that (1) no, hierarchy is not a red flag necessarily and that (2) it is possible to respect the rights, dignity, and equality of every person without treating them exactly the same.

I don't think it's ethical for me to say "I will love you the same as I love my wife" because those relationships are never going to be the same. But also, it's important to define expectations for things like "we will sleep in the same bed together unless otherwise discussed" that has to be discussed with other partners when we are going on a trip as a group. Not that we can't sleep with other people on that trip, but practically that looks like discussing sleeping arrangements on every trip.

The challenge of polyamory will always be communication. Hierarchy or not.

D&D Table

I made up this term because my polycule loves to get together and play D&D or board games. It's somewhere between Garden Party and Kitchen Table polyamory. For context: I like this article to explain GPP and KTP. On thinking about it, it's probably closer to KTP than anything else.

So first off, I need my partners and my metamours to be on good enough terms that we can all attend a party together and no one is in the corner talking shit about anyone else or feeling shitty about being there. However, I'd like this to be more than just polite conversation.

The current configuration of relationships and people can (and do monthly) get together together to play D&D and board games. We take turns cooking or bringing food and hang out for hours or days playing games and just connecting with one another. Right now, I'm running Rime of the Frostmaiden for my partners and two metas. Yesterday, four of us went to the Renaissance Festival together.

The challenge here again is communication. I don't want to start any new relationships with people whose other partners I find unbearable or who don't want to interact with me, no matter how much I enjoy the person I am dating. However, I haven't always known how to communicate this in existing relationships. I've had relationships end because the person I was seeing started dating someone new who (1) became a higher priority in their life (and therefore I was deprioritized) and (2) the new person refused to interact with me. That's a thing that is hard to reconcile and I still haven't figured out post-mortem how it could have been overcome without me becoming someone I'm not or the breakup that ultimately ensued.

It's very couple's privilege of me to say "I want to be on good terms with anyone new that you decide to date," but the way my current partners and I do polyamory makes it hard to feel good about a new meta without communication on all sides. If someone refuses to communicate? Well, that's a red flag for me. This might end up being a whole other journal entry right here.

Family-Oriented

In my best, most ideal version of polyamory, I would love to have a core family unit of many adults who live close together (maybe in a homestead format?) and have an interconnected community of love and care. The challenge is finding and maintaining relationships with people who align with my values and who remain aligned as we grow and learn together. And then there's the parenting part.

The first exercise in The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola is "Your Relationship Role Models." One of the key things that determines how close I am with someone is what am I modeling for my children. I could be having a fabulous time with someone, but I think hard about who I am willing to bring into the "family" circle. That will likely change as they get older and grow up and move on to building their own lives outside of our house, but right now that is a key concern. 

For context, I am "involved" with two people in the polyamorous sense: my wife and Mistress MzRhythm and my lover DreadPirateBones. Both are nesting partners. I currently have no other romantic relationships, but am close with several friends that I consider also family.

But the question then becomes who gets to decide what is considered family. My gut instinct is to say "well MzRhythm and I are married and have kids together so we decide who is in their lives" but that's only one aspect of the situation. DreadPirateBones lives here too, what if he doesn't want someone around all the time as if they are family? Or what if he starts seeing someone and they are around a lot? What if I start seeing someone who MzRhythm doesn't want around? And vice versa?  

Once again, I'm landing on communication. "COMMUNICATE" is house rule number one for a reason haha.

Omnisexual

This one is easier to define, but harder to unpack. I often call myself bisexual because that's the identifier that feels right for me and I use it to mean I am attracted to mascs and femmes ... I don't tend to be attracted to androgyny, although I do tend to be attracted to gender-bending. IDK man, I just want to flirt with all the sexy people and sometimes I don't care what they look like as long as they can keep up with my overactive brain.

However, I do find my emotional relationships with people who identify as men to be less emotionally fulfilling. And that lends itself to hierarchy a bit in my mind, I think. But that is also something that I have had to work on for a long time, because frankly it feels hella threatening when my wife is dating a femme for the opposite reasons. It's not that I think they are going to replace me, but because I have this impression that women tend to be more emotionally available, which allows for deeper emotional intimacy. 

This sentiment has been reinforced by partners who've had other relationships with high emotional intimacy and low disclosure. It feels like those things are correlated and I don't like it. But who am I to dictate how much intimacy my partners find with other people? I need to get OK with feeling left out and I'm not sure how to do that.

On Labels

This isn't part of the definition, but is important to discuss ... I am a huge lover of labels in relationships. I find that it can be reassuring to have a unique label for everyone I am involved with. Labels are not just linguistic constructs, but vital emotional markers ... a kind of shorthand for the collection of feelings and connections that make up each relationship. They help each relationship feel unique and special, and hold a boundary to keep each relationship from infringing on or trying to copy the feelings and definitions of another. To some, this might seem like an exercise in unnecessary categorization, but to me, it's a source of comfort and clarity.

Having a specific label for each person I'm involved with serves multiple purposes: 

It reinforces the notion that every relationship is distinct, a world of its own with its own nuances and dynamics. It's a testament to the idea that love isn't a one-size-fits-all affair.

Labels act as bumpers (like bowling, I guess), guarding against the unintentional blending or mimicry of emotions from one relationship to another. Without them, it can become all too easy for feelings or definitions to blur, potentially causing confusion and emotional turbulence.

But again, labels require a lot of COMMUNICATION! It's not fair to assign someone a label without talking to them about it. And if it starts to feel like it doesn't it? MOAR TALKING!

Looking Ahead

For the journey forward, there are some important questions I've uncovered, which I'll be exploring with my partners. These questions delve into the heart of what defines family, the rules of engagement for adding new partners, the necessary level of disclosure, and the evolving nature of investment in relationships.

These questions include:

What defines family and who in the polycule gets to define it?

What do rules of engagement for adding new partners look like? And how can we discuss this without introducing red flag kinds of privilege into the relationship?

How much disclosure is needed in discussing potential new partners and for what happens with that disclosure once the new relationship is established?

What does "enough" investment look like? This is constantly changing as relationships change and evolve. So a better question might be: What is the framework for asking for more investment in a relationship? How do you say "I don't need this particular investment anymore, thank you!" without it sounding like de-escalation?

What does emotional intimacy look like and how can I foster it in relationships with men? And do I need to if my needs for emotional intimacy are being fulfilled by not-men? Is it fair that men benefit from a sexual relationship with me without being expected to do emotional labor in said relationship? Where is the line?

Together with my partners, I'll have to navigate these complexities, striving for a polyamorous experience that is grounded in love, respect, and open communication.

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[tinatribeca]

Life Update 9/4/23

Blessed. I have realized to be grateful for everything that I do have in a time like this. Loneliness has been a state of mind for a very long time but I'm happy to say that although I am now at 3 years single, I'm not feeling as lonely. I have my moments but I am trying to embrace the fact that I am a single girl in one of the largest cities in the world and I'm blessed to be alive given everything I have been through this passed year. My mental health is also a lot better.

I'm definitely on dating apps and find myself swiping occasionally but I hate it. I'm so picky and with age I think I've grown to be even more picky. I pay all my bills, I have my own place, career, hobbies, I'm a musician, I like to travel, I like to be at peace...

I need an addition. Not a takeaway. I need an addition that also respects the art world.

I've been going on dates. I always find something wrong with them, and usually never see them again. I'm trying to have more of an open mind.

Maybe the person for me is not on a dating app.

I'm waiting to be sitting at Starbucks where a Michael B Jordan lookalike walks up to me and starts talking about how much he also loves cubism art, iced caramel macchiatos, and Don Miguel Ruiz.

I doubt that will ever happen.

I speak to my mom often. We are a lot better than we were earlier this year. She is doing a lot better. She seems happy.

I deleted a few post from harder times a while back, which I regret because I can't look back at them and have my moment of self reflection BUT... why live in regret? I deleted a lot of my previous life updates which sucks but I'm back at it again and hoping to give as many as I can so that I can really reflect and utilize my blog.

Living alone in New York has taught me a lot. I've seen my super more times this year than I've seen my own mother. This apartment has its moments where it takes work to upkeep like yesterday the toilet was flushing non stop... I could literally hear it flushing from my bedroom.

Take a rent stabilized apartment in Brooklyn and you will definitely have the quirkiest moments.

I don't see my friends as often which sucks. Every one is doing their own thing. I'm starting to get used to this. Adulthood.

I took my father to dinner Friday for his birthday. a $200 birthday gift, he ordered every appetizer her wanted, dinner, dessert, you name it lol. I allowed it, he deserved it.

There was a guy at the next table checking me out in front of his girlfriend, also in front of my dad. It was flattering. A moment of me realizing hey, I must be attractive. The guy proceeded to also involve himself in me and my fathers conversations occasionally. At a specific point I thought to myself he might as well have sat in my lap. Me and my dad laughed about it once they left. I'm glad we both can laugh at things that other parents wouldn't find funny.

I didn't mention my father has cancer.

I haven't told many people. I didn't tell him that he looks more tired lately. We took a shot together that night and it was a reminder of him still being here. My father has always been someone I consider very close to me. Its hard knowing he's getting older and I pray that he heals and gets passed this diagnosis. There are moments where I am afraid he won't see me get married, have kids... The what if comes to mind.

I try to be honest in these posts but its hard knowing that in times where I'm thinking:

Wow I surpassed a lot...

Something else comes up. Another hiccup. Another moment of:

Shit. There goes life trying to kick my ass again.

He has a lot more testing to do and I'm here, hoping for the best.

Nevertheless, I am fine. Good even. I'm starting to accept the things I cannot change. This year was also a hard health year for me too - mentally, physically, etc. I had a lot of moments where I was very upset with life.

I'm in a better place accepting and embracing all things I cannot change. Hopefully next life update I have nothing but good news.

[joaquinwhorres]

gazes (joaquín torres x reader)

SUMMARY ››››› It's become increasingly apparent to Sam and Bucky that you and Joaquin cannot take your eyes off each other. Unfortunately for them, you two have decided to be Professionals and that means keeping your eyes, hands, and lips to yourselves. No matter how difficult it is.

WORD COUNT ››››› 3,716

WARNINGS ››››› sexy times implied

A/N ››››› Ok so these headcanons y'all have been sending me are incredible. I read these two back to back and I just had to write something connecting them.

The kid had no tact.

Sam wasn't exactly sure why he expected more from the guy who'd led into his theory that Steve was on the moon by referencing vague internet rumors, but even despite that, he'd assumed Joaquin possessed some sense of subtlety.

Instead he was over at the leg press trying and failing not to stare at Y/N as she bent over at the middle to help Bucky push deeper into the stretch.

"You know she could hit you with a harassment claim for staring at her like that."

Joaquin jumped, the weights dropping suddenly with a loud clang. Across the gym, Bucky laughed as Y/N whipped around to face the two men. "Everything ok?" Her voice sounded genuinely concerned, and Sam couldn't help but smirk as Joaquin turned towards her, giving a little wave.

"Foot slipped," he answered, and she nodded, turning back to Bucky quickly.

"Foot slipped," Sam mocked.

"Dude, you scared the shit out of me."

"If you paid half the amount of attention you give to Y/N to your surroundings, you'd have known I'd been standing here for three minutes."

Joaquin gave a defensive scoff. "I wasn't staring at her--I was just--" he stopped, searching for an excuse, and Sam raised his eyebrows.

When it was clear Joaquin couldn't find a convincing enough lie to end the sentence, Sam shook his head. "You know, if you talk to her, she might actually let you take her out."

"I talk to her," Joaquin protested.

Sam shook his head, uncrossing his arms. "No, I mean talk to her. Chat her up. You've gotta have some game, right?"

"I've got game..." His sentence trailed off as he turned to look in her direction, finding her standing over Bucky's feet with her hands on her hips. "But like, we're co-workers, you know? I don't want to make things awkward around the gym or the compound or anything."

"Joaquin," Sam said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You're already making things awkward."

"He's staring at your ass again."

"And you're trying to get out of stretching again," you quipped, moving Bucky's leg closer to his chest. The super soldier tilted his head as if to acknowledge the legitimacy of your accusation.

"Doesn't change the fact that I think you're about to give him a heart attack."

"I highly doubt he's worried in the slightest about my ass. He's probably zoned out."

"He's definitely focused in...on--"

"On my ass," you finished, shaking your head. You might have given Bucky's claim a little more credence if it weren't for the fact that Joaquin Torres had been anything but the consummate professional towards you. He was friendly and upbeat and welcoming, and one of the few genuinely good guys you'd ever had the pleasure of working with.

You'd never caught him staring once, and it's not like the boy was exactly known for subtlety. Last time Bucky had asked him to cover for him so you couldn't come down and teach him the right way to train his body, he'd told you that Bucky had left the compound to get you a thank you gift for all of your hard work. All while staring at the gym door.

The heavy sound of weights falling against each other echoed throughout the gym, and you spun around to face the sound. Sam hovered over Joaquin's shoulder, the latter no longer working the leg press but instead looking as if he'd just received the scare of his life.

Bucky broke into laughter, and you smacked at his leg.

"Everything ok?" you called out, and Joaquin smiled, giving a sheepish little wave at you. "Foot slipped."

"It's a good thing he wasn't at the bench press. You might have killed him."

Your head snapped back to Bucky who was giving you a shit eating grin.

"You're an asshole."

"I'm right."

"Do you think if I ask nicely Wakanda will take you back?"

"So you know I'm right."

You chanced a glance back at Joaquin who was still talking to Sam before turning back around and placing your hands on your hips. "I'm calling Ayo."

You were running early.

Not to any event in particular, but just for the general course of your day. It was rare for you to wake up to your first alarm so completely refreshed, and with a fully awake brain, you found it much easier to navigate the morning. You were able to get dressed without crawling back in bed for a few more minutes, and didn't have to battle with sleepy indecision when choosing what you wanted to eat for breakfast.

One thing after another just continued to roll your way, leading you to the gym much earlier than usual.

And that's where the luck stopped.

Or maybe it didn't stop. But it definitely took a turn. Because while you fully expected someone else to be in the gym already, you hadn't expected just one person to be in the gym. And even if you had, you wouldn't have guessed that that one person would be Joaquin. And if, for some reason, you'd had the foresight to sense that, you definitely never would have pictured him to be running on the treadmill shirtless.

You stopped in your tracks, eyes falling to the bouncing dog tags on his chest and then lower to the well defined abs you'd somehow never seen before.

It felt like you'd seen just about every man in this compound shirtless. At some point, they all seemed to strip in the gym or during one of your group training classes you ran for those who weren't field agents. Bucky was shirtless half the time you worked together. It was so normal, you hardly even blinked an eye anymore. Seeing Sam without a shirt was more rare and quite the sight, but it'd never caught your breath quite like seeing Joaquin. Joaquin, who had never so much as worn a tank top in the gym, Joaquin.

And now here he was, chest bare and heaving, feet pounding rhythmically against the treadmill, hair still messy from his pillow and sweat. Your brain couldn't seem to function correctly, offering you images of the sight before you, only closer. Much closer. Hovering inches over your stretched out body as the headboard behind you rammed into the wall with the force of each thrust--

"Hey," Joaquin greeted, noticing you standing off to the side. You blinked, heat rushing to your face as he turned the treadmill down to a more leisurely pace. "Something wrong with my form?"

It was tempting to lie and offer to "help him fix it." Or to be completely honest and tell him you'd never seen a human form as perfect as his.

But neither of those responses were professional or even appropriate, and you needed this job.

You swallowed, shaking your head. "No, I was just wondering why you were wearing those," you said, gesturing to his dog tags, and allowing your eyes to fall to his chest once more. You followed a bead of sweat as it rolled down his body, heading to the waistband of his shorts. Joaquin reached to touch his tags, causing them to jingle together once more and pull your attention up to him.

"It's hard to let them go," he smiled, ruefully, hitting the button so the belt slowed even more. "I'd say it's a habit, putting them on, but at this point they're just like a part of me."

You nodded, wishing you'd taken this conversation anywhere but to the idea of dog tags and what they stood for. It wasn't so much a mood killer but a guilt inducer because instead of you feeling embarrassed and somber, all you wanted to do was grab them and pull him closer to you.

He must have read the conflict on your face because he gave a crooked smile. "Yeah, sorry, it's kinda morbid."

"No," you shook your head, clearing it of the daydream induced fog. "I probably shouldn't have asked."

"No, nah, it's cool," his smile grew into grin, as the belt came to a stop. He leaned his forearms against the console, staring at you as if waiting for you to continue the conversation. Which you were not equipped to do with a smiling and shirtless and sweaty Joaquin Torres right before you.

"Well, thanks for being cool about it," you said with a nod.

My God, something was wrong with you. They were just abs. And sure, maybe the abs belonged to the man who not only found the time to moonlight as a superhero but star in your increasingly dirty dreams of late, but it was just a body party that you'd seen a million times.

But never on Joaquin.

You blamed everything your brain was doing to you on Bucky and all of his stupid comments about Joaquin's supposed fixation on your ass. You wondered what he would say if he could see you now. "And I thought I was half machine. I could practically see your brain short circuiting." or "If that's what you're like when you see him half-naked, how are you ever going to--"

"Yeah, of course," Joaquin said, still smiling, his eyes lifting up over your shoulder as the other door to the gym opened and Sam came in. "Hey," he greeted with a jerk of his chin.

"Hey," Sam said, drawing closer, his eyes on you. You forced a smile on to your own face, and lifted a hand, not trusting anything that was coming out of your mouth.

"You're here early," the other man said, stepping onto the treadmill next to Joaquin's, and putting his water bottle down next to the machine.

Both of them were looking at you now, and it's not like you could handle staying in this gym any longer. "I came down looking for my water bottle. I think I left it here yesterday."

Sam raised his eyebrows glancing around the gym, and Joaquin stepped down off of the machine. "Do you want help looking for it?" he asked, and your whole body seemed to tense up at the idea, your brain transporting you to a future scenario where the two of you wandered around the room, Joaquin next to you or behind you, so close you could feel the heat radiating off of him, all the while searching for a water bottle that was sitting on your dresser.

"No." Your voice came out too high, but you tried to play it off, shaking your head. "I've already interrupted your workout enough. It's either by the weights or not in here."

"Alright," he nodded. "If you need any help looking around the compound though, let me know."

"Thanks," you said. And then you gave another stupid wave and beelined it for the weight racks because you had to get out of here.

You made a show of looking next to each section of weights, even bending over to check underneath of them as if it could have been knocked under somewhere. After you felt an appropriate amount of time had passed to be convincing, you straightened up, empty handed. You turned back to Joaquin and Sam, both watching you rather than continuing their workouts as you might have hoped.

"Not here," you called back with a shrug and then left the gym and headed straight up to your shower.

He was nothing if not predictable.

The minute Y/N bent over to check behind the weight rack, his eyes were glued to her. Or perhaps more accurately, the bright teal spandex shorts she wore. As she pulled herself back up from searching for her water bottle and turned to them, Joaquin quickly looked to Sam as if the two had been talking the whole time and then "casually" returned to her.

"Not here!" she said, shrugging and then walking out of the gym, her footsteps quick and purposeful as she left through the door Sam had just entered by.

"So, what'd I interrupt?"

Joaquin looked up at Sam as if remembering he was there. "What?"

"You know, when the two of you were sitting by this machine making eyes at each other? Did you actually say anything to her or….?"

Joaquin shook his head. "No, she just came in and, uh, we chatted for a second, and then…" he trailed off, as if not fully remembering any of the past ten, twenty, however many minutes.

"You just chatted," Sam repeated, the disbelief on his face edging into his voice.

"Yeah," Joaquin nodded.

"Anywhere in this chat you finally ask her out?"

"Nah, it didn't feel right."

"It didn't--she was practically taking off the other half of your clothes with her eyes," Sam sputtered, gesturing to Joaquin's shorts.

The kid laughed and shook his head as if Sam didn't know what he was talking about. Joaquin moved to exit the gym as well. "I'll see you later, man," he said, leaving a very exasperated Sam behind.

Bucky Barnes was a motherfucking liar.

"Let's grab a drink on Friday," he said.

"Consider it me making it up to you for being such a pain in your ass," he said.

"I'll buy," he said.

Mothefucker.

This wasn't just you and your favorite co-worker getting a drink. This was a goddamn set up. Because one hour and three mojitos into the night, Sam and Joaquin walked in the front door.

"I fucking hate you," you said, glaring up at his stupid smug face.

"Well, what a surprise, he grinned, as you shook a finger up at him.

"I told you in confidence I'm a flirty drunk."

He snorted, giving you a look out the side of his eyes. "You told me you were a flirty drunk after you sent me several highly inappropriate drunk text messages about what you wanted to do to a certain Lieutenant, who," the self-satisfied smile was back on Bucky's face. "Is making his way over to us right now."

"When I get home, I swear to God, I'm buying you a ticket to Wakanda."

Bucky quirked an eyebrow. "You're not going to do it now?"

"I didn't bring my credit card because you said you were paying," you huffed.

Before Bucky could respond, Sam and Joaquin were next to the two of you, greeting Bucky with hand slaps and one armed hugs. Sam came around and wrapped an arm around you first before sliding into the seat next to Bucky, and Joaquin came forward, giving you a quick hug.

Which was a first.

More than the feeling of his back underneath your palm, or the way he seemed to emanate warmth, you were done in by how absolutely incredible he smelled. But before you could fully identify whether it was his shampoo, a cologne, or just him, he pulled away and took the only other available seat near the group--the one next to you.

"I see you started without us," Sam said, raising his eyebrows at the assortment of glasses that sat before you. Most of them were Bucky's as he downed beers faster than should have been humanly possible.

"Hard drinker, huh Y/N," Joaquin teased, shooting you a smile.

"Pfft," you dismissed. "Only three are mine."

"Three?" Sam asked, leaning forward to better look at you. "How long have you been here?"

"An hour," you said, completely unnecessarily leaning forward too.

Bucky shrugged. "I got the time wrong."

"Guess we better catch up then," Joaquin said, and you sank back into your chair, narrowing your eyes at him in challenge.

"If you can."

They did.

You were outpaced fairly quickly against the two soldiers and one super soldier. The rum-induced fuzziness around the edges of your brain was compounded by having Joaquin so close to you. At some point he'd pulled his chair a bit closer to yours so that he could better hear the conversation, and you don't remember when it happened, but his arm had also slid around the back of your chair. To your relief neither Bucky nor Sam seemed to acknowledge this. In fact, Bucky was positively quiet and normal all things considered. Everything was going better than you could have expected.

Until the music kicked up.

Sam was the first to be dragged onto the dance floor. He was Captain America. Of course he'd been targeted by the stunning girl in the red dress who'd only had to come up and ask "Does Captain America dance?" to succeed in pulling him off to the dance floor.

Bucky was next. Although he wasn't tugged onto the dance floor by his hand the way Sam was. It was the sight of the person in the tight black number that did him in, luring him away to the dance as if drawn by a magnet.

And then it was you and Joaquin, sitting at the bar. Alone. Together.

You looked up from your drink, pushing the straw down into the ice to stir up the clinking sounds, and he took a swig of his beer before putting the bottle back down on the bar.

"Alright, let's dance," he said, nodding with his head towards the crowd, and you let out a disbelieving snort.

"I don't know how to dance. I mean, I can dance," you attempted to clarify, although you had a feeling words were failing you at the moment. "But that's real dancing, and I can't do that."

"I guess you're lucky you have a really good teacher asking you to dance then," Joaquin grinned, holding out a hand. You looked down at his open palm, hesitating only for a second before you slid your hand into his and jumped down from your chair.

He led you out through the moving bodies expertly, dodging couples who were clearly more into the dancing than each other and couples where the complete opposite was true. The small bit of space he found you was closer to the center of the dance floor than you'd usually feel comfortable with, but when he turned towards you with that look on his face, any of your residual anxiety had vanished.

"Ok, come close," he said, and you took a small step closer to him, causing him to laugh. "Closer." He gestured, and you moved forward some more, Joaquin's hands finding their way to your hips and pulling you even closer. His hands rose, one finding its way to your mid-back, pushing your elbow up to rest on his, as the other took your hand and placed it over shoulder.

"This ok?" he asked, eyebrows raised, and you nodded, trying to keep your attention on him, his instructions and his words, and not the way that you could feel just about every part of him from the way he was angled against you. His right side was flush against your left, and his knee pushed between yours.

"Just follow me," he said, his head bent close to yours. Before you could even respond, he started to move, pulling you along with him through the dance. It was smooth and rolling and you'd never seen a guy able to roll his hips like Joaquin. He seemed to know exactly how to guide you, moving his body to push and pull yours along whenever you hesitated or felt lost, coaxing waves and movements out of you that you didn't know you could do. Each success was met with a small word of praise and a brilliant smile, as his hands shifted to hold you closer, and you wrapped your own hand around his neck to better feel and predict his movements.

It felt as if a fog had rolled in over the dancefloor, obstructing all else from view so it was just you and Joaquin, eyes locked to each other as you moved together, occupying the same space.

The song faded into the next one, and Joaquin stopped. You went to move backwards, to give him space and have him move on as many other of the more skilled dancing couples seemed to do, switching partners amongst each other. But he kept you close to him, hand sliding down to your waist.

"Now you can really dance," he teased, his eyes shining as they stared into yours.

"Only with you." It was supposed to be a self-deprecating joke, but it came out too quiet and earnest. Joaquin licked his lips, and your eyes followed the gesture, flickering between his mouth and his eyes.

You don't remember making the decision. You only remember, moving even further into his arms, and pushing yourself up to reach his lips with your own. He bent down to meet you, pulling you even closer and pressing his hard body into yours. His lips moved as slowly and sensually as his hips had, drawing you in and guiding you through a careful rhythm that promised much, much more.

Sam sat with Bucky at the bar. Joaquin and Y/N had disappeared somewhere amongst the dance floor, hidden amongst the crowd.

"You think it worked?" Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow at Sam.

"If it didn't we're screwed," Sam shook his head, taking a swig from his drink.

As if on cue, the two emerged from the swaying bodies, hand in hand, sweaty and much happier than they had been when Sam had left them at the bar.

"We're gonna head back to the compound," Joaquin said with practiced casualness.

"Yeah?" Bucky asked, and Sam swore there was mischief literally glinting in his eyes.

"Yeah," Joaquin nodded too fast and too many times. "Yeah, Y/N forgot about something there…"

"What'd you forget?" Bucky asked, turning to Y/N with a wolfish smile.

"Nothing. We're going to have sex," Y/N said, flatly, causing Sam to nearly spit out his drink. "And if you say one more word, I know a pilot who will fly you to Wakanda himself. No ticket needed."

Bucky mimicked zippering his lips into a smug look, and she rolled her eyes before tugging Joaquin out of the bar by his hand. And he followed. Eyes glued to her ass.