#every one of those hits - comments - kudos - bookmarks are from me

[downtherabbitholewithlucy]

Hands down, still favorite my fanfic

[zepskies]

What Does "Supporting Writers" Mean? ✍️

Apparently it's Fanfic Writer Appreciation Day! To all my fellow writers, I truly appreciate you for bringing me joy, making me smile on rough days, and giving me my weekly/daily dose of escapism and warm fuzzies. (Shoutouts to you personally below.) 💓💓

But what does it mean "practically" to appreciate your favorite writers, especially on Tumblr?

For example, I know some fanfic authors are starting to block "serial likers": people who'll go through someone's entire masterlist and hit the "like" button on 20-something stories without commenting or basic reblogging.

While I think blocking them is extreme, I understand the authors' frustrations. I've actually been asked if I'll ever leave Tumblr, since many of them have dropped off over the past few months, or even the past few years.

I'm still here for two very important reasons:

I love to write about my favorite characters. I write primarily because I love it, not just for the kudos.

I'm friggin' blessed to have a lot of friends and lovely readers on here and Ao3 who support me immensely on my writing and on this blog in general. I love and appreciate each and every one of you! Which is why I do my best to reply to your comments and reblogs. 💖💖

Of course, there are many reasons why a writer might take a break or stop writing entirely, but one of those reasons is also why the #supportwriters tag exists...

And why you'll see us include banners like this on our posts:

(Credits: cafekitsune, me, inklore)

That being said, here's my own rule of thumb on how I try to support my fellow writers when I read something I enjoy:

If I "liked" something, it means I had the time to read a story all the way through and I enjoyed it! (Or I'm bookmarking it for later in the day lol)

If I have the time to read it, I have the time to leave a comment on what I liked the most about it.

If I have the time to write out a comment (anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes), I typically put that comment in a reblog -- maybe even add a gif or two for ✨razzle dazzle.✨ That way I can share it with the rest of my followers, so they can see it and hopefully enjoy it too...

Why? Because Tumblr isn't TikTok or IG. Reblogging is the best way to help a post gain traction on Tumblr. The algorithm doesn't care much about likes.

But on a more human level, supporting writers is just the basic thing of -- if you enjoyed something you read (that a writer shared for free), just let them know what you liked about it.

Remember that there's a person behind the content you enjoy. They might have been working on that story for weeks or months, or even years before they got the courage to post it.

They might really be putting themselves out there, writing about a topic or subject matter that they're not sure people will even like or engage with.

Maybe they're exploring something new, like a character or trope they've never written before.

Maybe they're expressing part of themselves that they haven't even told another living soul.

Maybe they just wanted to write something fun and smutty or angsty or fluffy and want to share the escapism with you.

Whether they've been writing for years or are just starting out, any and all is valid.

For me, as a writer and a reader, supporting my fellow writers often means supporting my friends. And 9 times out of 10, the way we became friends was by leaving feedback on their work and asking them questions, or responding to their awesome feedback on mine.

If you want a little jumpstart on how to leave feedback, whether encouraging or constructive, here's an awesome post about it (not mine).

Shoutout to some of my favorite writers 💞:

(In no particular order)

@waynes-multiverse @luci-in-trenchcoats @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior @thatonewriter15 @rizlowwritessortof

@waywardxwords @tofics @kaleldobrev @deanbrainrotwritings @deanwritings

@jawritter @deanwinchesterswitch @justagirlinafandomworld @ravengirl94 @waywardxwords

@spnbabe67 @deanwanddamons @ejlovespie @kittenofdoomage @venus-haze

@talltalesandbedtimestories @sam-is-my-safe-word @jacklesbrainworms @artyandink @princessmisery666 (I just starting reading your stories, but I'm continuing with Samnesia soon!) -- and I'm sure many more! 💋

[cooking-with-hailstones]

Statistical analysis of the most popular A:TLA fics on AO3

(All of this is accurate as of May 27 2024)

I like numbers and statistical analysis and for some unfathomable reason I find it calming. So last night I made this spreadsheet!

DISCLAIMER: This is not a judgement of the quality, value, or merits of any of the fics on this list. It's just me being curious about what's popular with the A:TLA fandom on AO3. I was genuinely surprised at some of the results!

Observations and analysis under the cut:

TL:DR, the fandom fucking loves putting Zuko into Situations.

Methodology: I'm including all fics from the first page of results from the most kudos'd, commented, hits, and bookmarks tagged under the Avatar: The Last Airbender (cartoon, 2005) tag on ao3. I am deliberately not including any larger multifandom flash fiction or drabble collections because I don't think they're super relevant. This ended up including 38 fics in total.

I put all the fics into one single spreadsheet in order to compare the differences between fics that are really high on the kudos count but not the hit count, or what has a lot of comments but fewer hits. Basically, I'm throwing a lot of things together to observe what gets engagement and looking at patterns that emerge!

Top 5 most popular fics by hit count:

Salvage - MuffinLance

Fractures - EvieNyx

Embers- Vathara

Towards the Sun - MuffinLance

The Art Of Burning - hella1975

Max: 1,407,170 (Salvage -MuffinLance)

Min: 78,168 (Risking it all - Sreeder)

Average: 349,442

Top 5 most popular fics by kudos count:

Salvage - MuffinLance

The Family You Choose - TunaFishChris

where the stars do not take sides - WitchofEndor

Fractures - EvieNyx

The beginning of a new and brighter birth - aloneintherain

Max: 59,947 (Salvage - MuffinLance)

Min: 3293 (Risking it all - Sreeder)

Average: 19,868

Top 5 most popular fics by number of comments:

The Art Of Burning - hella1975

Salvage - MuffinLance

Fractures - EvieNyx

Towards the Sun - MuffinLance

War Games - Lovely_Elbow_Leech

Max: 13,469 (The Art Of Burning - hella1975)

Min: 358 (Hallowed - Haircrescendo)

Average: 3634

Top 5 most popular fics by number of bookmarks:

absence of heat, excess of destiny - theycallmesuperboy

Salvage - MuffinLance

where the stars do not take sides - WitchofEndor

The Family You Choose - TunaFishChris

The beginning of a new and brighter birth - aloneintherain

Max: 150,317 (absence of heat - theycallmesuperboy)

Min: 430 (Risking it all - Sreeder)

Average: 9297

Highest kudos/hit ratio: Safety First - Haircrescendo (20.36%)

Lowest kudos/hit ratio: My Heart Burns For You - alwaysZutarian (0.89%)

Average kudos/hit ratio: 8.25%

Fic Ratings:

G: 9

T: 18

M: 6

E: 2

Unrated: 3

Popular authors (people who showed up more than once):

Aloneintherain (3)

Haircrescendo (5)

MuffinLance (4)

WitchofEndor (2)

Characters:

Literally all of these fics are Zuko-centric. Not all of them are Zuko-pov but every. single. one. focuses on Zuko as a main character. At least one of the following tags is on every single fic in this list: "The Gaang & Zuko", "Zuko & Zuko's Crew", "Zuko & Iroh" "Zuko & Azula" and "Zuko & [insert gaang member here]"

Relationships:

Ok this is what actually shocked me the most. I fully expected to see more Kataang, Zutara, etc in the top rated fics, but NO! Only 21 out of the 38 fics had any relationship slash tag, and of those, 20/21 were Sokka/Zuko (shoutout to My Heart Burns For You as the token Zutara fic to make it into this list). I did NOT realize Zukka was so popular! Now I'm super curious about what it would be like to run these numbers on FF.net because I know so much A:tla fanfic was written before ao3 existed and most hasn't been cross-posted, and Zukka wasn't a popular ship until more recently.

Other random observations:

There seems to be a pretty even split between post-canon firelord Zuko fics and canon-divergent "Zuko joins the Gaang early" fics.

Only one modern au as far as I could tell! (shoutout to "The Good Vanilla")

We all seem to love a Dadkoda fic

There is a very strong correlation between one-shots and a high kudos/hit ratio.

Seemingly no correlation between word count and number of kudos. The top kudos'd stories were mostly under 10k words, while all the other catergories were dominated by fics in the 100k+ word count.

I didn't really see much correlation between hits, kudos, and comments overall.

There were LOTS of fics that only showed up in one category, which was really interesting! I figured each list would look pretty much the same, and there were several fics that did show up on the front page of every category (Salvage definitely sweeps the board for overall most popular fic), but there was a lot of variation between each list! Some fics had TONS of hits but very few comments, some had truly wild kudos/hit ratios, some were just massively bookmarked.

Thank you for indulging in my nerdiness, and feel free to tell me what I missed or anything you're curious about!

Update: I did it again, this time with Legend of Zelda

[hyperactivewhore]

hi I love your blog we have very much the same opinions in everything except klamille is my favourite klaus ship and klaurora is second

I have been trying to enjoying klaus fics or any tvdu fics on wattpad but every thing I have read so far doenst show the characters accurately which is very annoying

I was hoping and want to request if you could give me some recommendations on fics on wattpad that are good. (Mainly klaus but any love interest would be good)

could you please give a short summary/review so far of any recommendation you give so I don’t waste time starting one only to not like ir

sorry if I am sounding rude English is not my first language but I can read it fully thank I you very much

Don't worry, you're not sounding rude at all, if anything you actually sound really sweet. I'm glad we share some opinions and I'm really honored you came to me for some suggestions.

I haven't read long fanfictions in a while outside works in ao3, I left Wattpad a few time ago but I'll still try my best, tho I'm not very good at giving summaries. Fair warning these are mainly fanfics I've read in Archive of Our Own, not Wattpad, but I hope it's not a problem. If it annoys you, send me an ask and I'll give you some Wattpad recommendations!

Patisserie (ao3, poly Mikaelson siblings x original female character, no incest) by @wickedlyemma:

Stats: (published: 2020-12-29), (completed: 2023-03-12), (words: 154,943), (chapters: 45/45), (comments: 4,385), (kudos: 8,469), (bookmarks: 1,799), (hits: 279,967)

Tags: Polyamory, Sugar Daddy, Self-Indulgent, Explicit Sexual Content, No Incest, Slow Burn, Not Canon Compliant

Summary:

I think we've all read those kind of tvdu fanfics where the main character is a teenager, usually related to the Gilbert or the Forbes, still in high school and who suddenly stops trying to make a life for herself just because she gets dragged into the supernatural world. Well, Patisserie is the opposite of that. For once, the main character isn't a teen but an adult around her twenties, who works at a bakery and is completely unaware of the supernatural world until Klaus decides to change that.

The slow burn is is truly worthy of a chef's kiss, the way the author describes and writes the Mikaelson is just so on point it hurts. Their family dynamic is so entertaining to watch, but it's as fucked up as it is in the show, which it's something not many authors can accomplish. The way they behave around the main character, a simple human, it's so amusing because they truly know nothing despite their age and she's just so easy to relate to, because for once the oc is not ridiculously overpowered.

The way we perceive the Mikaelson and the vampire world from a human pov is truly interesting, how she copes with all of it and eventually learns to love all of them individually while being aware of the danger is so well done. Kol and her, as well as her relationship with Klaus, are particularly interesting to read, especially considering how they all behaved around her at the beginning and especially because both of them are the most dangerous members of their family. They are all selfish creatures, and I love how it shows the more their relationships with her develop.

Apotheosis (ao3, Klaus x original female character) by atriums;

Stats: (published: 2022-01-01), (completed: 2022-12-13), (words: 158,264), (chapters: 31/31), (comments: 606), (kudos: 1,817), (bookmarks: 491), (hits: 69,472)

Tags: POV Alternating, Minor Original Character(s), Minor Character Death, Canonical Character Death, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex, Sexual Content, Devoted Reader, Author Rejects Canon and Substitutes It with Their Own, Cannibalistic Werewolf Cults, Nobody Is Good But Also Nobody Is Evil, These Characters are Flawed and Problematic (Probably), This Fic is Not a Bastion for Healthy Characters and Relationships, Reader/OC Especially, Reader/OC can be any ethnicity

Summary;

You know those fanfics who fix (almost) everything problematic in canon? Apotheosis does exactly that. In this story, Klaus isn't a complete irredeemable character for once, but he also isn't half as bad as his canon version, and due to the oc being a werewolf, this fanfic does expand on his werewolf side a little more than The Vampire Diaries or The Originals ever did. His family and him actually have a healthy bond, and Finn gets the recognition he deserves for once.

The story is set in season three of TVD, exactly when Klaus and Stefan are trying to make hybrids for his pack, and in a ironic plot twist, Klaus decides to take you with him when you're still a werewolf after you say you're not worthy to be a hybrid, at least not yet.

Her devotion to him is completely endearing and I absolutely love how Klaus actually cares for his pack, especially because they're all canonical characters who were killed way too quickly. Her relationships with the members of their pack are so well written, and this fanfic it's the perfect mix of humour and seriousness. It has a ongoing sequel, which I just adore. I warn you though, all the characters have several differences from their canon versions.

Twisted Obsession (fanfiction.net, Klaus x original female character) by rocket-queen98;

Stats: Originals, M, English, Romance & Angst, chapters: 16, words: 59k+, favs: 1k+, follows: 1k+, updated: May 6, 2023 published: Aug 13, 2016, [Klaus M., OC] Elijah M., Hope M.

Summary;

Lola is one of the most adorable mc I've read. She is human and around nineteen, if I remember correctly, and just a sweet girl and adorable. She's introduced into the supernatural world thanks to baby Hope, who is just the cutest, due to her needing a mother figure now that Hayley wasn't present in her life thanks to the curse placed on her.

Her relationship with Hope is my favorite part of the whole fanfic. She doesn't suddenly turn into her mother, she doesn't intend to either, but rather becomes her best friend and Klaus and her develop a bond thanks to this. The way father and daughter interact is so heartwarming too, the subtle hints of them being werewolves, and seeing a main character having a good relationship with her father for once is a good turn, especially in tvd fanfics.

It's clear Klaus and Lola have something going on, even if they won't admit out loud, but for some reason the people around them give the impression they don't actually want them to date. There is implications something more fucked up than usual is going on with Klaus and his relationships, and I'm pretty sure him and Cami were a thing in this fic too. Surprisingly, Hayley and Cami aren't turned into absolute bitches, but there is Jackson bashing though.

The Girl in the Forest (fanfiction.net, Klaus x original female character) by noblecrescent;

Stats: Originals, T, English, Mystery & Romance, chapters: 30, words: 311k+, favs: 232, follows: 176, updated: Feb 19, 2017 published: Jan 23, 2016, [Klaus M., OC] [Elijah M., Camille O'Connell]

Summary;

This fanfic is a tetralogy of books set in The Originals, I read those fanfics a while ago so forgive me for any mistake. Maleny is a witch who was cursed, if I remember correctly, and was constantly body-jumping every short time.

In one of her lives, she met Klaus and they fell in love, but she died, if I'm not wrong, and they end up meeting again in New Orleans time later where he has a child on the way and a kingdom to conquer.

I can't remember a lot more without giving you spoilers, but it's worth checking it out!

Now, I'll give no more summaries because I honestly don't remember a lot of the next fanfics, but it's your choice if you want to read them;

A Veil Between Love and Hate (fanfiction.net, Klaus x original female character) by MandalorianHybrid;

Stats: Originals, T, English, chapters: 57, words: 200k+, favs: 609, follows: 359, updated: Sep 15, 2019 published: Jan 30, 2014, [Klaus M., OC]

Summary; Another five books set in The Vampire Diaries, with a story that eventually moves to The Originals.

Allure (wattpad, Klaus x oc x Stefan) by @viavolterra;

Stats: 575k Readings, 20,5k Votes, 34 Chapters

Summary;

I just could not not recommend this fanfic. Mia comes to Mystic Falls to seek revenge after Damon kills her best friend Lexi, but she of course gets dragged by the problems in that little town.

The thing I like the most about Via's story is how there is no cliché: no bashing towards Tyler or Elena, Mia actually befriends them, Bonnie gets the recognition and love she deserves, Klaus doesn't suddenly turn into a different person just because he loves the oc, he continues to be a piece of shit, and how sweet and empathetic she is, not like those reused badass mc who are just rude.

I would recommend some more, but it's kinda hard to find fanfics with a good Klaus depiction. I'm pretty sure I left out a lot of amazing fanfics, though.

[the-fab-fox]

Okay. So Imma just come out and say it.

Y'all who read fanfic. You. Need. To. Start. Commenting. On. Fics.

I have been told I'm a great writer. I've been told I'm spot-on with characterization. I've been told I'm great at making readers feel and experience what the characters are feeling and experiencing. Been told it's like the reader is in the room as everything plays out.

However, when I see that my fics have upwards of 1K hits and maybe 100-300 comments and maybe 40-100 kudos and not even hitting triple digits in the bookmarks/subscriptions to a fic... Well, what would you think in my shoes?

Most likely, if you're like me, you're thinking all kinds of negative things (especially if you have mental illness/ADHD/neurodivergency of some kind). Stuff like... Oh, those other people are just being nice (not fair to them so I try not to think this way but negative self talk doesn't play nice with me).

Or I think... Okay so they checked it out. They had to click on the fic for it to even register the hit, right? So why don't I at the very least have more kudos? That's the easiest option on there (though it's like a like on here; if you are gonna leave kudos please also leave a comment), right? So what was wrong with my fic that I don't have more kudos at least.

But then I get on here and see so many comments and reblogs on FANART (still not enough for them either though lbr). THE POINT IS... If you read a fic. If you read it and liked it, you all really need to start commenting.

It doesn't even have to be long paragraphs or quoting or any of the ✨ big comments ✨ stuff. You could leave an emoji that be showing me what my fic or update got you feeling. You can do keyboard smash. If the author asks for it, you can leave constructive criticism (but only if the author has actively asked for it; if they haven't or given you permission, then don't). You can absolutely do big comment things too.

One of my favorite type of comments to get are the quoting ones. You just copy/paste and then say what you liked about it or what it made you feel or your reaction to it. Things like that. I love when my readers tell me their fave parts in an update. Or quote a line and tell me their thoughts and feels. Just yes.

We are far too advanced in this day and age and fanfiction and fandom are wholly more accepting than it used to be but for some reason, comments and reactions have become almost non-existent compared to when I was 15. And I was... Pretty cringy in my writing back then but I can admit that. But every chapter I'd get at least 8-10 comments. A chapter!

Even earlier in my Twst series I was getting A LOT more comments and with every fic it seems to have dropped significantly.

To me, to my brain, that tells me that my writing is suddenly sucky or I lost my talent or I'm not actually as great a writer as I was told because then why aren't more people commenting.

You might try to argue and say you're shy. Do you comment on order things? Do you tack onto a reblog to put out some addition to the original post? Do you chat with people in the fandom? Do you comment on fanart?

Then what makes a fanfic any different? (This is not including smut fics because I get but necessarily wanting it tied back to you. But if you open ao3 in a browser you aren't logged into ao3 on, you can (as long as the author has allowed it) post a comment anonymously. Yeah!)

You might say oh well I don't have time to comment right now. But you had time to read the fic? You had time to reblog that shit post? You had time to comment on the tags on a fanart you really loved? Thing is, unless you want to write a long one, comments do not take that long to leave. They really don't.

If you're worried the author doesn't want to hear from you—I'll stop you right there. The author ABSOLUTELY wants to hear from you.

So now is the time to stop making excuses to be lazy. You are reading really great fan literature for free. The least you can do as a thank you and to show support is to COMMENT. ON. THE. FIC.

And if you wanna really make an author's day and help support them and their work, REC the fic. REC the Author's work list. You can do that to friends you know would like it or even better, make a post about the fics and link your recs.

It's really not that hard and we should not have to beg. Realize the blessing you have that fics you would enjoy exist for free and do your part. COMMENT.

[thcscus]

fic author q&a <3

tagged (kinda but i wanted to join bc it looked fun lol) by @zannolin the beloved

why do you write fanfic?

because it's so so so much fun. because i think about the characters too much to just not Do anything with them, you know?

but mostly, it's a case of, "I'm writing this because I want to read this."

which of your posted stories do you think of the most even though the story is "finished"?

i mean, technically, passerine because I have a copy of it sitting above my study desk so every time I look up I think "oh damn yeah i wrote that. insane"

but, creatively, i think about the challengers series a lot because i feel like i have one more story out of me for it but i just don't know What yet

if you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

hmmmm i don't think i have any because my relationship with fic writing now is the same as my relationship to fic writing then. it's all just fun :)

what's your relationship to fic stats?

eh i don't really care about them. i generally don't look at kudos and hits. but comments and the little notes people put on bookmarks? now Those i will refresh for every time

is there a pairing or scenario or friendship that you miss writing? if so, why? if not, why not?

how do i answer this without kicking at a hornet's nest. i guess if you know, you know. That Era really was a great time to be alive as a genfic writer. unfortunately, *waves vaguely*

what motivates you to write?

the fact that when you finish writing, you get to read it. and it's tailor-made for you, with everything you want from a fic, because YOU put it all there!! it's like serving yourself a plate of eggs done just how you like them

also, i look forward to comments every time just to know i'm not the only one going insane over it lol

why do you write for the fandom(s) you write for?

no other reason than i want to, i guess. i love the story. i want to expand on it. and that's how the insanity starts, baby

if you're stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

just put it down. inspiration will find me eventually. i'm not in any rush :)

what do you wish people knew about comments?

when you quote the exact lines that made you feel something. THAT. that could be your entire comment and i'd still be twirling my feet kicking my hair. genuinely when people quote my lines in their comments AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <- me going crazy

maybe there's a question you wish had been on here. what's that question (and answer)?

The line you're most proud of.

"... to be able to love something enough to also love what grew from its ruins," is still so beloved by me because it was genuinely something i'd felt in my personal life for so long but could only put into words when i was writing it for the fic. it was a lightning bolt of an epiphany that wouldn't have been possible if i hadn't been writing. writing fic saves lives, folks!

tagging literally anyone who sees this because i want to pick at everyone's brain

[tortoisebore]

Fic recs?? It’s so hard to find good stuff😩

i’ll list a few of my recent favs, but first i’ll give u some tips & secrets ab how i find new fics 🥰

my first & biggest source—i snoop on everyone’s bookmarks. like everyone. if i read a fic i liked, i check that author’s bookmarks. if someone comments on my fic, i check their bookmarks. if i come across someone talking ab fic on the tl, i go to their ao3 and check their bookmarks. i’ve found so many great fics just by snooping on what other ppl are reading 🫶

my second most-used tactic: searching for tags & using filters. if i’m looking for something specific, i search the tags/pairings i want and make sure to exclude things i don’t want (i.e. i don’t usually want to read jegulus, so i make sure to exclude that pairing in my results. same goes w tags/ratings/warnings u don’t want). i’ll sort by date, kudos, and hits separately, and add anything that sounds interesting to my bookmarks to sort through later. ao3 really has the best filtering and tagging system out there, but a lot of times we don’t use it to its full capacity! if you want to read something specific there’s a very good chance someone has written it, you just need to search and filter your results so that you’re not just seeing the most recent stuff! (i also filter by word count a lot too bc i’m not always in the mood for something multi-chaptered or something that will take me multiple days to finish reading)

last, sometimes i’ll go into the main pairing tag i’m looking for and sort by kudos/hits/date/whatever and jump to like….the 30th page of results. there’s sooooo much stuff i miss just bc it gets lost in the flow of new/popular fics, so jumping to random deep-dive search results will help you find new stuff & come across fics & authors you haven’t seen before 💞💖💘

now here’s some of the stuff i’ve been enjoying lately!! 💞💖💘💕

love by the seaside by viwrites

this was very cute and a great quick read! remus is a disgruntled painter/barista recovering from a toxic relationship & sirius is the sweet, dashing stranger that he meets by accident on the beach one day. lots of early-morning coffee runs and nervous flirting with some christmas fluff as a treat

hurling crowbirds at mockingbars by wrappedup

y’all know i am typically NOT an exes to lovers kind of girlie. i find this trope very hard to read most of the time bc i am a huge baby, but this one was a quick read and the plot was overall very sweet! remus broke up with sirius & left the country out of the blue almost 10 years ago, and then comes back to town with a fiancé. sirius learns very quickly that he’s still hurt, and remus learns very quickly that he might have jumped the gun all those years ago.

in the dark there is discovery by lynxindisguise

wolfstar pirate au!! need i say more!!

disarm you with a smile by five_ht

listen to me. look me in my eyes. this is explicit as fuck and i encourage you to read every single one of the tags carefully. seriously read all of them. it will not be for everyone but like….,oh my fuxking god. sirius steals remus’ phone number while hanging out with his friend (remus’ niece) one day and starts sending him increasingly suggestive texts anonymously. it’s all fun and games until sirius starts to catch feelings & remus starts to get curious ab who he’s been talking to.

in the centre of a circle by moonheavens

reccing this again bc I HAVEN’T CAUGHT UP YET BUT IT’S SO SO GOOD i’m going after the latest chapter as SOOOOOON as i have the time this week 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 sirius lives with the lupins and is very much in love with remus. he consults various people for advice.

[anyreiart]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

How many works do you have on A03? 153 (but more are coming)

What's your total word count? 3,725,829 (also a lot more coming XD)

What fandoms do you write for? Mostly Supernatural but I also write Sherlock and Guardian (镇魂)

Top 5 fics by kudos: In A Mirror, Darkly (with @queerwolfsstuff): 3,068 Kudos

Playing With Fire (with @queerwolfsstuff): 1,748 Kudos

That Wasn't Supposed to Fucking Happen! (co-written with @queerwolfsstuff): 1,387 Kudos

The Heart of Ophelia (co-written with @queerwolfsstuff): 1,357 Kudos

Touch of Silence: 1,267 Kudos

Do you respond to comments? I wish I could respond to every comment but sometimes I don’t have the spoons and now I have over 4k of unresponded comments. I read and love all of them!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I’m a firm believer in a happy end, so I don’t really write angsty endings. I think the closest to an angsty ending it probably my short fic “Hello, Old Friend” (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21789934) where Cas and the Empty talk at the end of times.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them lol

Do you get hate on fics? I think in bookmark descriptions people hate more easily. I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or if they just don’t know that we can see them. And those are annoying cuz you can’t delete them. I tend to block people though if they leave hate. In comments it’s more annoying concrit at times (like dudes, come on. It’s my fic, you didn’t pay me to write it. If you don’t like it, just leave.) But I would say 99% of the comments are really really nice and supportive.

Do you write smut? LOLOLOLOLOL… um, yes. @queerwolfsstuff and me also do a smut week sometimes (we have another one planned) where we post a smutty fic every day for a week. I also have a series of Short Stories that are all smutty: https://archiveofourown.org/series/342853

Craziest crossover?I have a crossover fic with SPN/Buffy that I will post this month! But I’ve written a lot of fusions and crossover fics before. My first one was a crossover with Angel/X-Files and NCIS LOL (It’s not on ao3 cuz I wrote it in my native language)

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I think we all have fics stolen by now thanks to AI bots getting trained on our writing. I locked all my fics down for that reason so they are not so easily accessed anymore. There was also an app once making money from our fics by stealing all the links, hence why there is a disclaimer on my fics that they were uploaded on ao3 and if you read it somewhere else it’s stolen. I also co-wrote a fic with my bestie @queerwolfsstuff that was “controversial” for a few people because it had a poly ship in it. And someone who didn’t like that part of the fic wrote a very very very similar fic a bit later…

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes!! And I love that so much! Translating is soooooooooo hard (i know cuz I tried to translate my older fics to english and ughhhhhh) We (my writing partner in crime and me) have a few fics that are translated to Spanish, Russian and I think even Chinese!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? All the time! So much so that I despise writing alone T_T 

All-time favorite ship? I don’t have a favourite ship but I’ve written the most for Dean/Cas and Sherlock/John 

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?I have only one WIP on Ao3 and I write terribly slow (the torture of writing solo) but I’m so close to finally finishing it, so it will def. be done.

What are your writing strengths? World building

What are your writing weaknesses? Writing in a different language is really hard. I feel like constantly hitting a limit because my English skills only carry me to a certain point and not further.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I speak a few other languages so I love to sprinkle that in. The character I write the most knows all human languages so it is fun to use that!

First fandom you ever wrote in? Star Trek and the X-Files

24. Favorite fic you've written? I love them all but “In A Mirror, Darkly” will always have a special place in my heart. In terms of solo fics I think my favourite is “Guide My Way Through The Night” (https://archiveofourown.org/works/25969945/chapters/63132118) I’m very proud of that one.

I tag @casblackfeathers, @malicmalic, and everyone who wants to it!

[lazuliquetzal]

Fic Stats Game

Ohoho thank you @tavina-writes for the tag!! Pretty sure this is gonna be the same 3 fics over and over but we'll see :)

rules: give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the fewest words.

1) Most Hits

It's AA Batteries (Daiya no Ace). I know this without even looking, it's AAB 100% and by... not a significant, but a decent lead. That thing breached containment. I'm glad that it did, because I had fun writing it, but it always surprises me because sports anime twin OC fic? Really?

But I'm glad it's my most popular fic, even if I don't consider it my best, because even if it's a canon rewrite, I finished a 100K+ fic and I am proud. I'm literally never over it, I could talk about it all day.

Like, I usually don't ship things very strongly, but Misawa is insane to me. Also, do you know how embarrassing it is to relate to Miyuki Kazuya? And not even in a 'generic repressed character' way, I'm talking in a Hey I Literally Was In His Shoes And Made The Same Exact Fucking Mistakes And Decisions way. Nobody gets Miyuki Kazuya like I do. I'm fucking Miyuki kin. I didn't ask for this. I didn't--

2) Second Most Kudos

This one is also AAB, so I'll go with first place: Reflection (The Magnus Archives). A classic. A nice and simple time travel fix-it comedy.

I remember the writing of this one because I had been utterly obsessed with TMA. It would not let me go. I drafted the early chapters on my phone while walking across my college campus. I almost got ran over by a bike when I was writing the "Martin witnesses Jon have a mild breakdown in the break room" scene.

3) Third Most Comments

Dawn of the Fourth (Linked Universe). The LU fandom is super giving with their comments! Probably the most comment-friendly fandom I've been in.

I think it also helped that DotF is one of those stories where every chapter is a punch to the throat lol. If you didn't comment after ch7, it's probably because you zoomed through haha.

4) Fourth Most Bookmarks

It's DotF again, so I'll go with third place: ain't no rest for the wicked (Naruto).

Ah, this one... I'm fond of it, in the way I'm fond of all my writing, but also I was in high school. There's a lot about it that I would do differently now. But I learned a lot from writing it, and actually Chie, Issei, and Riku are still my children and I love them all. I'm proud of the color test. :)

5) Fewest Words

If you ignore the Zelda comic and the CSS formatting test and the anonymous April Fool's fic that I will not be claiming ownership of publicly, my shortest fic is Blackout Blues (Daiya no Ace) at 1101 words. If you subscribe to the belief that a picture is worth a thousand words, then that bumps the word count up to 4101 words.

I should draw more art for my fanfic. I have the power. It's fun.

tagging (if you want!): @yellowocaballero @xxsolar-writesxx @ellie-tarts @zarvasace @dottie-wan-kenobi and anyone else who wants to!

[jtl07]

jtl07 fics, spring 2024

We interrupt the posting about various water animals with my first fic recap of 2024!

An admission: I’m still in a rollercoaster of a headspace (also still open to song recs so I can make noises on the guitar btw) - I was, gently, reminded that it’s not even been a year since life upended itself and there’s been a lot that's happened in the past couple months, even more in the past couple weeks, so. We’ll take it one step - one water animal, one guitar riff, one fic recap - at a time.

General stats

Total on this pseud: 5

Fics posted (in chronological order):

Cat’s Cradle security checkpoint logs - Just a snapshot in the form of the contents of folks' bags

tell me all the things you believe - or: one year later

even though you're not mine - or: Ava comes back, but not hers; or or: Princington's artwork strikes again

i see you clearly now (i hold you dearly now) - or: on touch and waiting and wanting; or or: Ava comes back invisible

nineteen, again - or: Ava at thirty-eight

(Per usual, more numbers and thoughts under the cut)

More numbers

(As of last night; some of the numbers seem to have changed but only slightly)

Total words: 26,369

Shortest fic: 813 - Cat’s Cradle security checkpoint logs

Longest fic: 19,010 - i see you clearly now (i hold you dearly now)

Average/Median word count: 5,274 / 1,676

Most hits: 2,128 - i see you clearly now (i hold you dearly now)

Least hits: 555 - Cat’s Cradle security checkpoint logs

Average/Median percent of *interactions to hits: 21.3% / 22.0%

Highest percent of interactions to hits: 23.1% - nineteen, again

Least percent of interactions to hits: 18.7% - i see you clearly now (i hold you dearly now)

*where “interaction” = kudos, comment threads, bookmarks

General thoughts

None of the regular stats (all the word count stuff) were a surprise to me, so I added some new stats looking at interactions and hits. Interaction totals seem to correspond with hit counts (hence why I didn't note those above) but what was interesting was the percentages. Yeah, it's a difference of only a couple percentage points but the nerd in me is intrigued. As in: I wonder if the length and premise of "i see you clearly" was both draw (hits) and deterrent (interaction)? Also several comments mentioned liking the setting age-wise of "nineteen, again" so that plus the fact that there were a lot of familiar faces was perhaps folks knowing what they were getting into? idk, really can't draw any conclusions - it can also just be simple reader behavior.

Actually, speaking of which, another interesting thing I observed: I did an initial pull using the bookmarklet on the 25th, then updated the numbers last night. The numbers that changed the most were hits and, surprisingly, bookmarks (kudos were next, and comments hardly changed). I hadn't realized that bookmarks were utilized so much.

Fic that surprised you:

Technically "i see you clearly now" fits this prompt - but then again, it fits every prompt in this recap lol - but the fic I want to talk about here is "even though you're not mine. I had fully expected not to post anything for February (context: I have a soft personal goal to complete something every month) but then @princington had to go and be amazing lol. I distinctly remember seeing their art (linked above) and immediately being beset by two different ideas. I then went for a walk and during said walk, lines starting coming for the shorter idea. Near the end of the walk, the ending for the fic came to me as well, and by that time I was speedwalking to get back home and write it all down! It had been a while since I'd felt an idea take hold of me that quickly and completely - it's such a rush and was fun to write. That one definitely would not have happened without Prince's fantastic work <3

Fic that you're proud of:

Okay now I'll talk about "i see you clearly now" lol - everything about it was terrifying, from the length, the content, the style. It really was unexpected because the opening came fully fleshed out early on, which usually points to a quick little fic. But I remember hitting 3k and looking over what I had so far, and thinking very clearly: ohshit, this is going to be long. But I think what won out over the fear was this curiosity - I wanted to see where this fic was going to lead me. There was something in it that kept drawing me back, even though I didn't know at all where the story was going, something in me felt surprisingly, idk safe exploring what was, for me, uncharted territory.

Fun fact #1: I think it was around the 5k~6k mark - before I'd gotten anywhere near the ending, mind - I'd had this thought (which I'd fully written down in my notes lol) of having a fun spicy one-shot as a follow up. And then shortly thereafter, I realized how crucial physical intimacy was to the story and how it there wouldn't be a follow up - it had to be integrated into the fic. A lot of internal screaming ensued lol

Fun fact #2: I surprisingly didn't do a lot in terms of editing. The biggest was a rewrite of the phone conversation between Beatrice and Mother Superion. I remember feeling a bit iffy about it and @gohandinhand (best beta ever seriously!) gently highlighted it as well. I guess it was one of those scenes where I needed to know what the story was before I could really write that scene in a way that fit everything else. It was interesting because I felt that's how it was writing the fic as a whole - it wasn't very linear, it was more like I'd write one scene near the beginning, which gave some inspiration for a scene near the ending, which then brought me to a scene near the middle. It felt quite intricate, seeing how adjusting one area affected another, affected the whole.

Fun fact #3: Before I wrote the reunion, I sat down and studied a bunch of fics because I'm a nerd lol - there's that one post, which I of course can't find now, about how there's nothing more embarrassing than writing smut that doesn't turn anyone on, which I felt very keenly lol - I was like, jt, if you're going to do this, you better damn do this well. So I went through some other fics and studied structure, word choice, pacing - it was quite enlightening actually, and something I think I'll do more of this year. (Studying, I mean. Not the - well, I shouldn't promise anything about what I will or will not write lol)

Fic that was the hardest to write:

Much as "i see you clearly now" terrified me, it actually wasn't hard to write. Similar to Beatrice's arc in the story itself, I as the writer had to just be patient and allow it take form in the time it took. I mean, even that rewrite that I mentioned came on fairly easily.

Now that I think about it, I do remember "tell me all the things you believe" being difficult to write. Yeah, quite a number of afternoons sitting at a nearby Starbucks pulling at my hair lol The main prompt for that was simply to mark the occasion (that being my own 1 year of writing Warrior Nun/Avatrice). I think what I'm learning is that things are much easier when an idea is couched firmly in a character or an emotion. (For example, I mentioned a while ago having a hard time with i walked with you once, which could have also been due to not having formed a good grasp of JC's character)

Oh I also had not a difficulty writing, but a difficulty posting Cat’s Cradle security checkpoint logs - I'd thought it was too simple yknow? But ultimately I thought hey, this is all just for fun, not everything needs to be complex and worldchanging so why the heck not.

What's next?

Gosh that's a question I've been carefully avoiding what with being in the midst of so much transition. I've been doing a lot of resting and found myself being drawn to studying structure again - kishoutenketsu in particular (I recently found some studies I'd done a couple years ago, I might clean those up and post them here), and how to layer complexity onto that. Which is timely because there's a couple ideas that came to me late last year that I immediately knew were going to be complex and kinda put them on the shelf because I didn't think I was ready to write them. Writing "i see you clearly now" has made me question that thought so hopefully the studying will help bring up my confidence to at least try.

In any case, there are still plenty of ideas (Beatrice voice: "there's always more") it's just a matter of figuring out which ones feel right to write. I'll likely continue to be a little quiet here - save for the posts of the water animals lol - but I'll be around.

Anyway, huh, apparently I had much more to say than I thought I would for this recap. If you made it this far, wow, a virtual cookie for you! Hope the end of March brings some rest and comfort <3

[aeithalian]

🧩 🎱 🍄

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

I feel like this applies in general to any kind of book or fanfic, but bad writing is a big turn-off for me. If it's only small sentences, childish language, or just incorrect punctuation, it always pulls me right out of the story. But that's not even just fanfiction (like, I read Fourth Wing recently because my friends peer-pressured me into it and I'm pretty sure Rebecca Yarros thinks I'm an idiot with how juvenile her writing was sometimes, yaknow?)

But if we're talking just fanfiction, I physically gag every time somebody has no spacing, and the entire fic is one large block of text. The rich text feature is there for a reason, bubs.

Oh, also first person POVs. Idk why, I normally don't mind them in books, but if it's fanfiction, it just never feels right.

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats 

User Subscriptions: 37

Kudos: 4,378

Comment Threads: 609

Bookmarks: 1,323

Subscriptions: 910

Word Count: 323,675

Hits: 68,843

(pretty proud of that word count - it jumped up by ~220k just this year because of a shard or two)

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Gonna give a couple just because i can't chose:

Henry/Alex (RWRB - the year-long hyperfixation that aint going away any time soon apparently) - here's my in-depth headcanon for how they got engaged: bonus chapter kind of gives a bit of info that I go off of, but I think Henry proposed first, just one of those 'hey one sec I'm going to be right back' and then he gets back and kneels next to the couch and then I think Alex would, like, laugh or something? and then grab the other ring and do it right back. Double proposals, my beloved. Point is, super intimate, not really planned, no flash-mobs, cozy fluff vibes (maybe I should write that hmmmmm)

Apollo/Cyrene (tear them away from my cold, dead hands) - listen. I love them in a relationship. I love the whole conception that she's the closest thing he ever had to a wife. But I also love the 'post-divorce' vibes they give off, and I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that post-ToA he went back to visit her and now they're the weird 'they broke up but they're still really close friends' couple. I love it.

The Doctor/River Song - OK LISTEN. I love 11/River. But 12/River is like the most specialist most wonderfulest most deliciousest thing I've ever witnessed with mine own two eyes. The Husbands of River Song changed the brain chemistry of 12-year old me, and I've never looked back. I don't even think I have a headcanon for this one, I just love them so much. Ok, maybe I do: neither of them really give me the vibes of 'let's settle down and grow old together and hold hands over coffee every morning', so I really think their years on Darillium was them causing chaos for everybody else and also running a restaurant as mafia bosses who are also crime solver extraordinaires. I don't make the rules.

Fanfic author truth or dare ask game

[skeptiquewrites]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @tackytigerfic (here) and @maesterchill (here). Emerging from my post illness hidey hole.

How many works do you have on ao3?

32, a number that both seems too large and smaller than I thought

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

254,835. Wild.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly HP, although once in a while I peek over at other fandoms. And I have a joint Check Please fic in the works.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All Drarry. None really surprised me but the final one, I hadn't realized it climbed that far up the kudos. Huh. 1. Yours Truly - my romcom fic about Harry feeling left out when everyone's coupled up, telling a lie that gets out of control, and also how hot magical ecology is 2. Home Truths - my Quidditch fic about the complications of fame, love of the game, Harry finding out who his family was and letting himself fall in love 3. Special Affinity - how quickly one can justify fucking one's coworker given a bonding spell while having no idea if the feelings part is reciprocal 4. Winner Takes It All - Draco feeling caught in impossible circumstances, working too much, caregiving for a parent, and how small kindnesses can mean the world 5. A Little Time - mistaken for a couple, forced proximity, Healer school, and everyone in a small town hating you and all your friends on sight

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments, but it takes me a while. I read every single one, and I try to wait until I have the time and energy to respond with something thoughtful. I'm months behind at this point.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm a fairly happy ending sort of person. I tend to go more for straight angst for drabbles and micros. Maybe Beside Manner? They're formerly bonded and dealing very badly with the dissolution.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, gosh, most of them. I'm most enamoured by the Big Damn Kiss at the end of Home Truths. I love No Distance because Harry and Draco are very much in love and not able to hide it. I am particularly fond of the end of Winner because I was able to leave Draco in a very good place that felt right for the fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really I think. I get the occasional rude bookmark rating. Once, a very unpleasant person who sent lots of hate for months over a fairly inconsequential aspect of a fic. And then there have been a few comments where it's clear the reader wanted me to write a different fic, which I don't really take that personally. Nice comments far outweight the negative.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not much. Tender, expressive, evocative. Light on details mostly.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I am not a crossover person.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think anyone has ever tried.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Two by the wonderful Bluebubbling which I was thrilled by.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've always wanted to. I'm trying my hand with another fandom, but one day.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Drarry. It just hits different.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I'm one of those people who has a dozens of ideas. I think I'm unlikely to finish my Veela!Harry fic, I just don't think I have the range. I have yet to successfully write and finish a PWP. Would be thrilled to finish some of my rare pairs.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Hmmm. I think dialogue, efficiency, and atmosphere.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

More complicated or mystery-oriented plots, the mid-level between an ensemble cast and an intimate chamber piece, anything with significant length, spending lots of words on one scene.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

One of my ideas about writing is that not everything has to be maximally accessible to all to be an authentic expression in a fic. If that's what fits or feels right, go for it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

You know, I found out the answer for sure recently, and I will be keeping that information to myself. Highly embarrassing and yet formative. Let your imagination do the rest.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Winner Takes It All. Exactly what I intended, turned out beautifully. Some of my favourite writing.

tagging @magpiefngrl @lettersbyelise @lqtraintracks @quicksilvermaid @goblinmatriarch @teledild0nix @boxboxlewis and anyone else who is interested

[medusapelagia]

Comment bingo - 5th line!

Andrew and I are so happy because we made another line and we are going to get a badge with our favorite colors! Courtesy of @feedthefandomfest (To be honest, Andy can't really see the colors but I told him those are my favorite and he agreed because he is a good friend!)

As always go give them some love to these fics if you want to! And keep commenting! A lot of my new entries are from The Harringrove Big Bang Collection! I still have to read most of them but they are all amazing!

Comment on a fic with under 50 hits: Dandelion Wishes by Carerra_os (@jellyfishloveletterghosts), rating T, WIP, Harringrove. This is a super sweet fic with child Billy and a very little magical Steve! And being part of the @bigbangharringrove it also has incredible art made by @raven-cl ! (now it has more than 50 hits like it deserves but I was lucky enough to be one of the first peole to read it!)

Theorize about world, character, and/or theme: and then you came by what_about_the_fish (@whataboutthefish), rating E, WIP, Harringrove. Another incredible fic from the @bigbangharringrove (so it has art as well! Made by LucaDoodleDoo) In a Dom/Sub universe Soft Dom Steve finds Billy, a Sub without a Dom that desperatly need one who took care of him like he deserves.

Epilogue comment: speculate on characters' futures: The Only Living Ghost In New York by beetlesandstars, rating M, complete, Steddie. A modern AU where Steve realizes that he is in love with Eddie... when Eddie gets married! It hurts so good!

Explain while the fic is better than canon: Let it happen by Romeren (@romeren), rating M, WIP, Harringrove, super sweet story written for bigbangharringrove and with beautiful art made by @lemonhitsu and @applewillowstone

Leave a long comment: Baby, I got sick this morning (heal me, darling)by TheRedHarlequin (@a-redharlequin) - rating: E, a lovely WIP with my favorite threesome: Steve, Billy and Eddie! Half sick fic and half magical AU! And it's not cheating if I put it again bacause it's a WIP and we finally got TO THE HOT CHAPTER and the world needs to know it! (Those are Andrew's the Octopus words, not mine, obviously...)

The other fics that helped me fill my bingo card under the cut!

comment that is at least half keysmash: start by pulling him out of the fire by pricklywhicket, rating: E, complete, Steddie. This fic is SO good, I'm just at the first chapter but Wayne's characterization is amazing! If you are a Wayne lover (as I am) you have to read it!

Comment on a fic posted today: All I want for Christams is you, by LexiRoseWrites. rating: Teen and Up, Steddie, Complete. A sweet Christmas omegaverse fic!

comment detailing emotional devastation: hold me, scold me , by lydiah135 - rating: E, complete, Steddie. This fic has everythig! Transmasc Professional Dom Eddie, emotional pain and wonderful OCs! This is the 4th part of the series, I recommend to start from the first one!

revisit fic you read in the past & leave a(nother) comment: If I stare too long by brawls (brawlite) and ToAStranger, rating: E, complete- The first Metalsandwich fic I have ever read. It's hot, and fluff, and cute and it has incredible art!

Holy trinity: kudos, comment and bookmark: Sea of waking dreams by Oonionchiver, rating: E - Steddie, WIP. As everything that Azriel writes is intriguing, hot and supernatural!

Unhinged liveblogging reaction: Everybody wants you - Whataboutthefish - rating: E, complete - Harringrove. A sexy and painful song fic. It hurts so good!

Highlight & explains 3 favorite quotes: Baby, I got sick this morning (heal me, darling)by TheRedHarlequin - rating: E, a lovely WIP with my favorite threesome: Steve, Billy and Eddie! Half sick fic and half magical AU!

Find a comment you agree with & replay explaining why: The Long Night, by - Nox_Wiked - rating:E, another threesome Steve, Billy and Eddie and another WIP half survival and half unconventional omega fic!

Comment on a every chapter of a multichapter fic: Just add water by Just_my_latest_hyperfixation ( @just-my-latest-hyperfixation) -rating: E, complete, a super sweet Mermaid AU Steddie fic!

Comment on a WIP: To B, With Love by Triddlegrl (@fizzigigsimmer - rating: E, WIP an incredible Harringrove Omegaverse Western AU!

Comment on a fic posted at least 3 years ago: i think of you (i want you, too) i'd fall for you by To A Stranger - rating: E, complete, a Harringrove Criminal AU with hurt/comfort!

Leave a comment that is half emoji: what's mine is yours (to leave or take) by througheden - rating: M, complete, a Steddie sugary sweet AU with baker Eddie and nurse Steve and a lot of cakes!

Comment of a fic post in the last three days: Baby, It's Cold Outside by StitchedFox - Rating:M - complete, a Steddie Christmas fic about traditions and compromises!

promote a fic on Tumblr and/or Discord & tell the author so: All those fics!

[imperator-titus]

Hey my fic is done!

This is it, and it's long! Thank you to everyone who read, left kudos, comments (<3), bookmarked/subscribed, and so on! I enjoyed writing again, and might be thinking of writing something else soon-ish. If you enjoyed the story, PLEASE feel free to leave a comment, or hit me up somehow to talk about the fic or other stuff! (Please, I'm lonely.) If you haven't read in a while, you might be unaware that I edited the beginning of the fic, so maybe check that out! There is also a spotify playlist I made with the same title as the fic, if that interests you! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoy!

Text for those not on Ao3:

You have been formally invited to Ramazith’s Tower in the Upper City of Baldur’s Gate for an evening of dinner, dancing, and friendship. Formal attire is welcome but unnecessary. 

“There’s… quite a few people here,” Astarion remarked with a little bit of trepidation. All around them bustled familiar faces, dancing to jaunty music and talking with plates piled with food in their hands. The tower was lit up with floating candles, shiny baubles, and ribbons. Lorroakan was probably rolling in the ditch Rolan left him in to see this celebration being held in his former sanctuary.

“Rowan convinced Rolan to take in the refugees from the Grove and some of our other friends,” Shadowheart explained after a chuckle, sending a little wave to Mayrina. The young woman seemed stuck between wanting to eat every single thing on the buffet table and never touching another crumb. 

“Yes, that sounds like Rowan,” Astarion mumbled, watching Leon dance with his daughter. Victoria was dressed like a little princess, her hair done up in extravagant curls and bows. He never cared for the girl before, but now it filled him with a little bit of hope to know she was free from the Szarr Palace.

So many smiling faces, all in one place, because of them. Smiling as if the world might not end tomorrow. 

People knew his name. They were thanking him, wishing him luck. What a strange feeling.

When he found Rowan, he almost didn’t recognize her. The ensemble was entirely black, save some accents on the cuffs and some jewelry. The only dressing-up he’d ever seen her do, aside from wearing the necklace and ring he gifted her. Instead of rising up the neck like his, her jacket collar laid flat against her chest. Black slacks in some sleek material hid the top of her black boots, one of the pairs he had made for her. Underneath the jacket was a black shirt whose collar hugged her neck, tucked into her trousers and hidden with a black silk sash decorated with a silver and red pattern. Holding the collar closed was a black cravat with a waterfall of lace and pinned to the center was… a red gem in the shape of a drop of blood and little bat wings?

“My love, where in this gods-damned city did you find this outfit?” Astarion asked in utter disbelief as he approached. The huge smile she flashed him and the proud stance she was using to display herself disappeared in the face of his apparent criticism. 

Upon closer inspection, he realized that the jacket was made of brocade, the pattern made with a slightly shinier black thread that created a subtle texture when light hit it a certain way. Part of what he thought was a shirt was in fact a vest of flat black with silver buttons. At her suit cuffs were silver buttons with red gems at their center. Her hair was freshly cut, the sides returned to their near-scalp length and the rest swept back at perhaps ear-length. Adorning her ears were, well, ears. Silver wire and red gems made up an extension to her ears to make them closer in shape to an elf’s. 

“You don’t like it,” Rowan said quietly in embarrassment, unable to look at him. Her lips were colored slightly more red. He could see the chain of the necklace he gave her poking out under her cravat, worn to keep him close but hidden to not clash with the overall look.

“No! I mean yes! I mean- agh!” Astarion took her hands in his, which prompted her to look up. Grinning, he spread her arms out so he could get a better look at her outfit. “Maybe not exactly to my taste, but the more I look at it… It’s-”

“Fresh?” she asked hesitantly, but hopefully.

“Yes. Fresh . New, but with a hint of old. But most importantly; do you like it?”

“I was worried it was a little much…” Rowan’s cheeks turned red and she looked down at the floor. “I’m rethinking the ear cuffs.”

“I appreciate the obvious influence I have on you,” Astarion told her softly, letting her go. “Who do I have to thank for this lovely view?”

“Rolan.” Astarion tilted his head and she chuckled. “It’s an illusion. I drew it and he changed some clothes for me. Tried to make it a bit like the fashion back home.”

Astarion touched the pin on her cravat and with a smirk he said, “Well, I think you look ravishing.”

“Thank you… I feel silly, but knowing you like it makes me feel a bit better.”

“I’m not surprised. You’re happier when wearing a different skin.” Taking gentle hold of her chin, he pressed his cold lips against hers. Leaning only a few inches away, he whispered, “I’ve grown quite fond of it.”

Rowan was stunned for a moment and then broke into laughter, waving him off. It would’ve irked him before, but now he knew that he’d hit just the right tone and remark to fluster her without making her angry.

“I’d invite you to dance, but I have two left feet,” Rowan told him shyly. Astarion smirked and made a soft sound of amusement in the back of his throat.

“We should have gotten more lessons with Wyll. Who knew the end of the world would involve so much dancing?” Then he offered her his hand. “I would be honored to have you by my side tonight. Dance or no.”

Rowan slipped her hand into his. “At least if everyone dies, no one will remember we made fools of ourselves.”

“That’s the spirit.” Leaning in, Astarion whispered, “Now. Show me where Rolan keeps all of the good stuff.”

----

In the morning, Astarion greeted the sun as it came through the tower’s windows. After putting on his armor and draining a whole barrel of Rowan’s blood, he headed downstairs to meet up with the others. She intercepted him before he got that far.

“I thought you’d be with the others.” 

“I already saw them. I came to give you something.” She took out a small leather pouch and opened it to reveal some marbles. They were of varying sizes and softly glowing blue. “These have some of my magic in them. You should be able to break them and it’ll help you. I tried one, it summoned some sort of spirit.”

It felt weird, holding a manifestation of her mysterious power. It occurred to him that some of it might have once been Cazador’s. Ironic to have his master protecting him now. 

“I gave everyone some, but this is just for you.” She presented him with a sash of the blue-white yarn he'd seen her spinning and knitting in her downtime. She secured it around his bicep like a lady giving a knight her favor. “This has protected me before. I call it fateweave, even if it, well, isn't woven.”

Astarion felt a little overwhelmed. The coming fight was finally real to him. Eyes shut tightly, he took her in his arms and crushed her into his chest. “I promise to come back.”

“You will.”

“Because you can see the future?” he asked a little facetiously, a small smile on his lips.

“I only know the possibilities. I just trust the chances.”

Astarion touched the fateweave tenderly, his smile widening at one corner. “Well, I feel a little less terrified knowing our resident expert isn’t hanging crepe.”

Despite Rowan’s encouraging words, Astarion didn’t always feel so confident. Trudging through bloody sludge, mounting crumbling noble houses. Stepping onto a giant floating brain with a red dragon in his face and mindflayers between them and their goal.

The first time he tried one of Rowan’s little gifts, it was small. He broke it between his fingers and for a moment, he thought it was a dud, as all that came out was a wisp of light. That light turned into a raven that drilled itself with impossible speed through a cultist’s eye, killing them. He briefly caught glimpses of his companions using the beads to heal wounds, summon similar spirits, or imbue them with extra strength. They were probably all a little surprised at, and more grateful for, their little camp follower.

When things felt a little dire in the ruins of the city, and he was sure that he was being dealt a killing blow, the fateweave turned the spell or blade aside. Each time it got a little shorter, like a dandelion shedding its seeds in a strong wind. The biggest of the beads summoned a horde of screaming berserker warriors, lashing out at any foe in their way.

Withers was right. The arrows Rowan forged for them were quite useful, if unorthodox.

With the brain defeated and their bodies hurtling out of the sky, Astarion wondered how Rowan saw this all ending. He felt a brush of something electric on his cheek and thought of her. Did the others, her friends and protectors, feel it too and wonder if it was her?

Thank the gods they made sure everyone could swim. Thank the gods he didn’t need to breathe, but not everyone had that luxury. On the docks, their victory was short-lived. Astarion could feel his cranial passenger die at the Netherbrain’s orders.

Then the sun came up from the horizon. It burned. It shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did. That familiar flash of searing pain as the holy light found his undead skin. He had no choice but to run. He didn’t stop until he was in a hole deep enough in the docks that only the barest rays of sunlight could be found.

Astarion dropped onto the ground, wet and malodorous, and wept. His time in the sun was so short compared to how long he’d gone without, but it meant so much. It hurt so much to have it ripped away, even when he knew it would happen.

“It’s okay. We’ll figure something out,” Rowan said to him gently and that electric tingle ran along his back. Shocked out of his self-pity, Astarion lifted his head from his hands to see the shape of Rowan beside him. It was less detailed than Gale’s mirror image and it was only blue-white in color. It was attached to him by the sash she’d tied around his arm. He could see it smile.

“Is this really you or am I going insane as well?”

“It’s me.” Her image touched his hair, but didn’t move it. It was as if she was speaking to him from across some great distance.

“It hurts,” he sobbed. “I had to run . It was humiliating.”

“They’re your friends. They won’t think less of you.”

They sat for some unknown amount of time in that horrible place. Astarion alternated between shuddering sobs and telling her bits of the adventure that he could remember. She sat and listened, offering sounds of shock and amusement when appropriate. Gods how he wished they were back in that wizard’s tower, the windows blacked out, their bodies interlocked on the freshly-made bed.

“If you want… I can try to protect you from the sun. Just until you get back,” Rowan eventually suggested. From the sound of her voice, it seemed she missed him just as much. “I don’t know how long it’ll last. If you’re careful and stay out of the sun as much as possible it’ll work.”

Astarion did just that. At first, he hesitantly stuck his hand into the sun. It burned for only a moment before it stopped. As he raced through the streets, dodging wailing widows and rubble, he tried to stay in the shadows. Eventually, he managed to get to Sorcerous Sundries.

“Well, that explains why she told Rolan to move everything valuable…” he muttered to himself in the safety of shade. Only the first floor of the building remained. Thankfully, the portal back to Ramazith’s Tower was still intact.

The tower was a flurry of activity as people made plans to help the city or repair damage to the tower itself. Some of them were even busy making food, discussing feeding the valiant heroes of the day and also Baldurians who were now refugees in their own homes.

Unconcerned about all that, Astarion took the portal to a higher floor where Rowan and Rolan spent the day controlling the tower and monitoring the group as they pushed through their final battle.

If it was possible, all of the blood would’ve drained from his face, leaving him paler than ever.

In the middle of the floor, in the middle of his huddled companions, was Rowan. Unmoving. Streaks of black ooze running down her face, from her mouth, her nose, gods her eyes, like tears. Her skin was marked with welts, healed but clear, making red-raw spider webs across a pale background. Halsin and Shadowheart knelt beside her, looking resigned. Rowan’s head laid in Gale’s lap and the wizard was very gingerly petting her hair like he might Tara. Rolan was nearby, flinging books around haphazardly, his voice strained and beyond understanding.

Whatever happened here, they hadn’t told the people sheltered in the tower. None of them said anything to him about this, only greeted him with excitement when he stepped out of the first portal.

Astarion was on his knees, unable to touch his love for fear that he might break her. He didn’t understand what he was looking at. He could hear her shallow breaths, the steady beat of her heart, but there was nothing in her eyes.

“Why haven’t you done something?” he snapped at the healers. They were too tired to flinch.

“We’ve tried everything we know,” Halsin answered, unable to sound reassuring. He was holding one of Rowan’s hands, sometimes feeling for her pulse, but mostly just giving it comforting strokes with his thumb.

“We don’t know what’s wrong with her,” Shadowheart explained further. She moved away to give Astarion space at Rowan’s side.

“Rolan found her standing, but unresponsive, once the Brain was in the Chionthar. He kept everyone downstairs until we arrived,” Gale told Astarion, but his voice was surprisingly quiet and soft. Astarion sometimes forgot that the two were friends before that night in Cazador’s palace. Perhaps they were all regretting that last night’s feast might be the last time they spoke to her. “When we got here, she was like this. She’s been like this for two hours now.”

Unable to deal with this, Astarion asked, “Where are the others?”

When Karlach’s engine started to burn and she was ready to greet death, Wyll convinced her to go back to Avernus with him. He pledged that she would never be alone and they’d find a fix or a cure so she could come back for good. Minsc and Jaheira were running around the city like the folk legends they were, hunting down mindflayers and cultists, saving people in need. Lae’zel had been here, but when it looked like nothing could be done, she went out in search of Astarion.

Astarion grabbed as the fateweave favor on his arm, but it was no more. It was all used up to protect him from the sun. He clutched the spot anyway, vibrating with the horrible pain that was threatening to come out. Fangs extended and a hiss escaped his throat when someone touched him or tried to convince him to let go of her hand.

Then the portal made its characteristic sound and someone stepped out. Victoria, still done-up from the feast, came towards them. Shadowheart leapt to her feet and intercepted the girl before she could see what they were doing.

“Y-you shouldn’t be up here!” Shadowheart warned her, more shocked than angry. Victoria took a step back, looking up at Shadowheart with big eyes. Then the girl extended her fist and opened it to reveal two blue-white orbs.

“I wanted to give these back to Auntie Rowan,” she explained in a hushed voice. “Me and Pa- Papa and I didn’t need them.”

“Oh?” Shadowheart managed to say through her surprise. She held out her hand uncertainly and the girl deposited the beads. Victoria smiled and waved before going back downstairs.

As if possessed by some demon, Astarion snatched the beads from Shadowheart. He was tempted to force-feed them to Rowan, but didn’t want to risk choking her. Instead, he pressed one bead into the palm of her hand and everyone’s eyes went wide as it dissolved into her skin. Frantically, nearly dropping it, he pressed the second one into her hand. A second later, her hand twitched.

“Oakfather be praised. Let us see if anyone else still has one,” Halsin said as he stood, indicating that the others should follow. Gale carefully lifted Rowan’s head from his lap, scooted back, and placed it gently on the floor so he could help. It also left Astarion alone with her, save for Rolan, who was still frantically looking for a spell or some hint as to what happened.

“I don't want to be lonely either,” Astarion sobbed, holding her hand to his cheek. It didn’t feel nearly as warm as it was supposed to be. “Don’t leave me. Please.”

Eventually, the others came back with only a few of Rowan’s beads. Astarion diligently placed them in Rowan’s palm and when he was done, the barest sign of life returned to her eyes. 

“I was hoping for more, but change is good,” Halsin remarked, checking her over again. Astarion had to resist the urge to sink his teeth into the druid’s hand. “Time will tell. In the meantime, we should rest.”

Halsin and Shadowheart left, but Gale remained standing over Astarion’s shoulder. Either someone told Rolan to rest as well or he finally expended his energy.

“Halsin’s right, we should rest and regain our energy. We can’t take care of her if we don’t take care of ourselves,” Gale told Astarion gently, earning himself a sharp glare. Gale leaned away like he was threatened, but he wasn’t. He put up a finger. “You want to say I don’t care. I admit, I can be a bit harsh, strike the wrong tone. I assure you, I care. I care very much, about both of you. I was hoping that, when all this was over, the two of you would be my guests at Waterdeep. We all care, very much. But we’ve all been through several hells today, some of us literally, and exhausting ourselves will not help.”

Eventually, Rowan was “awake” enough that it wasn’t like moving a dead body. It took a lot of encouragement to get her to do what he wanted, like stand up and follow him to a bath. They should’ve been giggling, kissing, filled with post-battle excitement. Instead, he did his best to wash her. Nursemaid wasn’t high on the list of possible careers for someone like Astarion.

“There’s a handsome man under here somewhere,” he said to himself, repeating something from long ago that stuck with him.

At some point, Halsin joined them. The druid was worried that Astarion would insist on carrying a burden he had no clue how to bear. And he was right, really, because what did Astarion know about taking care of someone? He wanted to scoff, to say he was too good for this, that he was meant for more. But how could he? It was killing him all over again, how much he loved her.

Was she still in there? Was this just some husk that he would care for until it wasted away? Did Rowan know this would happen all along?

“I should have waited until nightfall,” Astarion said to himself in a chastising tone. “She would be better than this.”

“We don’t know that,” Halsin reassured him, putting down the spoon he was patiently feeding Rowan with to give Astarion the attention he so obviously needed.

“Rolan said that Rowan was suffering everything that her power protected us from. Every near-death, every spell that was just a little weaker.” Astarion took the spoon rather angrily, taking his turn putting soup to his lover’s lips. “If I hadn’t gone into the sun, she wouldn’t have suffered for me. There would be more of that magic for her to reabsorb.”

“Rowan told you to brave the sun. She wanted you to come back here.”

“For what? She’d get better help from those Ilmater priests. Or you.”

“I would care for her, if it came to that. But I do not think that is what you truly want.”

“What would you know about what I want?” Astarion bit back, both words and eyes sharp.

“Rowan is the first thing you have cared for. Loved. I cannot imagine the guilt of turning away from that.” One of Rowan’s wounds broke as she opened her mouth to receive what Astarion was giving her. With a tender touch, Halsin healed it. “I will not lie; it will not be an easy task. It will be easier if you accept help from your friends.”

“Accepting help and running towards hardship aren’t exactly some of my virtues.”

“Maybe it is time you gave them a try.”

Halsin taught him how to care for her, those annoying everyday things that you took for granted when you’re incapable of them. Shadowheart managed to teach him a minor healing spell to deal with her wounds returning every so often. Gale taught him, and Lia, how to cook human food. Interestingly, Lae’zel taught him patience.

There came a time when Astarion just couldn’t look at Rowan. Looking at her filled him with dread. In such a moment, when he couldn’t make sense of his thoughts, he practically dragged Rowan to the gith’s room and left her there without a word. The sun was low in the sky and so, with some careful footwork, he managed to just… walk around the city.

It was a hellhole, obviously. There were still bodies in some places. Rubble was everywhere and you could still hear the sobs of the aggrieved, even after a few weeks.

When he returned, still afraid, still confused, but feeling guilty for running away, he found a most unexpected sight.

Lae’zel was teaching Rowan how to hold a spoon. She would place the utensil in her hand and after a second or so it would fall down with a soft clatter. Lae’zel merely picked it up and put it back in her hand. “Tighten your grip.”

“She doesn't understand you,” Astarion insisted, crossing his arms. 

“Halsin says that some people must relearn how to do simple tasks,” Lae’zel explained, watching the spoon totter in Rowan’s hand for a moment before clattering once more. “There has been a small increase in time that the spoon remains in her hand.”

“How long have you been at this?”

“An hour.” The spoon fell. Instead of handing it back to Rowan, Lae’zel flipped it around to present the handle to Astarion. “Now it is yourturn.”

“I know how to hold a spoon, even if I don’t need to.” When Lae’zel didn’t budge, he snatched it from her hand.

Astarion managed to do ten minutes of this game before huffing in frustration.

“I’m not living the rest of your life feeding you,” he grumbled as he picked up the spoon. Forcing it into her hand once more, pressing her fingers down on the handle, he said, “Now hold. The damn. SPOON.”

Rowan held the spoon for three seconds before it slipped out from between her fingers. 

Astarion just stared at it. Was this even doing anything? How did Lae’zel of all people sit here and do this for an hour? Was he really that incapable of this simple task?

Sometimes Astarion blamed his bad mood on hunger. Even he could see the moral dilemma of using Rowan as a personal blood donor while in her current state. If he had to eat one more rat in his lifetime, he might actually walk into the sun. Under Cazador, he would have no problem catching the numerous animals running free in the streets, their masters and homes most likely gone. It felt wrong, feeding on something that walked up to him of its own accord, hoping for a treat of its own or just a gentle touch.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to feel bad about draining dry thugs threatening some poor mother bringing home bread for her children or pilfering valuables from ruined manors. Which he then took it upon himself to pilfer. He wasn’t completely reformed. He got a little smirk on his face when he imagined the aneurysm Wyll would have seeing this behavior. 

The first to go were Shadowheart and Lae’zel. They told him, while holding hands, that they were going to find some place quiet outside of the city where Shadowheart’s parents could recuperate after their long imprisonment by the Sharrans.

“Well, make sure to say good-bye to Rowan,” he responded, wondering how he never noticed that the two were a… thing. “Not like she’ll notice, of course.”

Next was Halsin.

“It was not my intention to stay so long in the city,” he explained, obviously aware of the impending fallout. “I am returning to Reithwin. I hope to rebuild it into something new, now that the Shadow Curse has lifted. Thaniel tells me that refugees have already started gathering there.”

“Ah, so it’s a numbers game, is that it? One helpless soul versus hundreds of unwashed masses?” Astarion asked him with clear distaste, all of his irritated sass on display.

“I love Rowan, but I’m certain she is in good hands. This is an opportunity to right my wrongs.”

“Fine.” Astarion probably bit the word off a little more than he intended. He’d apologize later. Maybe. If he remembered. He’d write a letter.

Then there was Gale.

“Where’s the crown?” Astarion asked as soon as he saw that Gale’s things were all packed. That could only mean that the crown was retrieved from Chionthar.

“In Mystra’s hands.” Gale chuckled. “I wasn’t foolish enough to bring it here.”

“Foolish?”

“Is it not obvious? You would’ve insisted I use it to fix Rowan. Or you would take it for yourself.”

“Instead you save yourself.”

“Indeed. Becoming a god would have very likely brought out the worst of me. Who is to say I would have helped her? She belongs more to Kelemvor or Ilmater than to a god like Mystra.”

“I never thought the day would come that I would miss Gale of Waterdeep.” Gale was deeply hurt by this, but only let a fraction of that hurt show.

“Well. Here I thought we were friends. I will blame your grief.” Astarion scoffed derisively.

“Save your blame for when I throw her in the Chionthar.”

Gale gave him a very stern glower. “If you have any intention to harm her, I warn you-”

“I’m not going to kill her! I’m going to spend every fucking waking moment of the rest of her years taking care of her. I get a lecture about accepting help and most of it has left! After what? A couple of weeks? She can’t even manage stairs!”

“I understand your frustration.”

“Frustration? ” Astarion asked, eyes wide, body tilted to the side as if to get a better look at Gale. Then he wagged his finger at the wizard. “No no no. You , and eeeeeveryone else, gets to move on. Sure, you love her, but you have a life to get to. Healing to be done, images of idyllic bliss, going back to your families or making new ones. Meanwhile, I have to watch the only family I have die . Slowly . And she doesn’t even know it. She can’t tell me to go live my life! She can’t throw herself into the sea to spare my feelings!”

Gale was silent. Perhaps ashamed. He wasn’t changing his mind, just recalculating how he felt about the situation. Calculating how to deal with the sight of Astarion’s tear-streaked face.

“You are right.” Gale knelt beside Rowan, who was sitting on a cushion on the floor, a book in her lap. At regular intervals, a mage hand turned the page for her. Gale placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. She didn’t react. “Get well. I know you will, just as I know that I will miss you.”

Eventually, Astarion would apologize to Gale as well and he would finally accept that they were friends. Just a little bit.

Astarion was often worried. Worried that she was going to choke on whatever he managed to get down her throat. That he would find her at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck. That he’d wake up with his hands around her throat, begging her to die already.

He felt like she was watching him, even if her eyes weren’t on him. She was judging him for leaving her alone for hours while he found opportunistic thieves and murderers to slack his thirst or just to avoid her. With nowhere to go in this crumbling city, the tieflings were still there, and he told himself that she couldn’t be in that much danger. She was judging him for making the same flavorless soup for every meal of every day for a week.

Astarion even avoided her in his dreams. It scared him, what was behind those strange doors that once connected them. Was it blank? Was she still there, normal as ever? Would she scream at him, hate him?

Another morning. Astarion was still in a strange state between his old schedule and the one he developed during their journey. There were about four hours in the middle of the day when he could meditate. Then he would make her dinner, feed it to her, get her ready for sleep, and leave for the night. When he got back, it was time to get her ready for the day, make breakfast, feed her breakfast, and find something to do.

It was driving him insane, even when people helped.

He kept trying with the spoon, just to prove to Lae’zel he could. Sometimes he tried it with a charcoal pencil, hoping against hope that she would magically be able to communicate.

One day, something hit a window. Astarion stood near it, ears focused on the possibility of a repeat offense. When it didn’t come, he shrugged it off and returned to the table. The pencil fell out of Rowan’s hand and sighing, he went to fix it. At first he brushed the markings off as random, made when her pencil fell. Then he really looked at them. They were a sort of… crude bat?

“Surely not…” Astarion muttered to himself. Rowan dropped the pencil again, letting it roll off her fingers as she slowly turned her palm to the ceiling.

Astarion went out onto the balcony. The sun was low enough that it was practically hidden by the horizon, so he didn’t have to be so careful.

There, in front of the window, was a bat. He poked it with the piece of paper, but as he suspected, it was dead. It probably hit the window and broke its neck. Normally, he would’ve left it, or thrown it off the balcony. This time, he scooped it up with the paper and brought it inside. 

Finally, he’d gone insane. It was bound to happen.

Insane or not, he gently placed the bat in Rowan’s upturned hand. To his surprise, she made a soft ‘shh’ sound. A few moments later, the bat twitched back to life. It seemed confused, licked her hand, then looked up at him with its beady little eyes. Very carefully, before it could start flying around causing havoc, Astarion scooped it back up and took it outside. After a bit, it flew away.

“Bat,” Rowan said quietly upon his return.

“Darling?” he asked excitedly, lifting her face to him.

“Bat.” His shoulders sagged.

“Oh, please ,” Astarion begged, resigning himself to the fact that this was his life now. He was definitely going to go insane if this kept up. With a sigh, he straightened up. “Come along. It’s time you went to bed.”

His nightly walk found him in front of the Szarr Palace. It was surprisingly untouched. In the shadows, he waited, playing mindlessly with the family ring that would open the front door.

Astarion wasn’t afraid of Cazador. At least, not in an active sense. The Cazador he knew was gone, truly gone. Rowan enticed the child within the vampire lord, a long-forgotten part of himself that was innocent, into the afterlife. Somewhere, sometime, that part would be reincarnated. But the part that tortured Astarion was consumed and was now, presumably, completely used up.

That didn’t mean Astarion was excited about going back there.

The place was empty, as he expected but wasn’t prepared to see. Everything was taken and sold to give at least something back to the people Cazador turned. It was honestly impressive that they managed such a thing.

Rowan had locked the place up before the final fight, so he doubted there was anyone there. Still, he wandered the halls, telling himself it was to make sure the place was empty.

Astarion came with the intention of gathering a spawn and bringing it back for Rowan to change back. Even the endless number of cells were empty. All he found was the control staff, broken, and some rotting bodies, presumably the people who chose to move on rather than start over.

Astarion brought Rowan every dead thing he could find. Rats. Dogs. He even dragged her out to Rivington to try it with a cow.

Some things came back, others didn’t. Rowan once said that she just felt when it wasn’t someone’s time. Without her ability to tell him, he just had to keep trying. He once brought her along on a hunt so she could bring his victim back. He’d tout it as a heroic ‘lesson’ or maybe he’d just drain them again. But it didn’t work and the whole time he was worried that it would go badly.

“Duck,” Rowan said quietly, sitting on his bed while he was going through his things. When did he get so much stuff? Most of it was absolutely useless. It just kept piling up and now he couldn’t find anything.

“Yes, darling, duck,” he said back with a sigh. He couldn’t remember what he was looking for. His head felt like it was full of cotton. “ Duck me. Duck this. Duck you.”

“Duck.”

“Yes, dear.” Astarion reached into a bag, touched something smooth, and with a look of confusion, pulled it out.

“Duck.”

“It… is.” Carved from a dark wood, it appeared to be a standard depiction of the common duck. On the underside was the message: “for Rowan, Oakfather’s love.” Of course it was one of Halsin’s. Astarion placed it in her hands. “Here you go, my love. Your duck.”

To his surprise, it didn’t fall out of her hands. Instead, she tightened her grip. The sight of her fingers curling around its shape made him break into tears. 

“Duck… butt,” she said tonelessly. Astarion chuckled through his sobs.

Normally, Astarion would leave Rowan with one of the tieflings. They were all trying to build lives for themselves in the city, usually this involved actually leaving the tower, but someone was always around. Maybe they knew and decided it amongst themselves even though he never asked. They all seemed happy to help, perhaps feeling indebted to Rowan for convincing Rolan to take them in.

After the ‘duck’ discovery, Astarion invited Rowan to spend his mid-day trance with him. For a while, he was afraid to indulge in their old closeness, wanted to distance himself from it. He didn’t deserve it. It was wrong. It would only hurt more when it was over.

But today, seeing her hold that little gift after so many hours of trying to get her to hold a spoon, he felt just a glimmer of hope. With her snuggled up to his side, her head resting on his chest, he indulged in this familiar ritual.

Like many of his ‘dreams’, Astarion found himself in the city. Sometimes things happened, like he’d sneak into some lord’s mansion and steal a prized necklace. This time, his feet took him to the Szarr Palace.

Of course, he didn’t want to go in. Cazador might be dead in the waking world, but anything was possible here. If this was a nightmare, there was no Rowan to come to his rescue.

Despite all of the reasons to walk on by, Astarion opened the door.

Greeted by darkness, his heart sank into his stomach like a stone.

Then the gentle sound of humming struck his ear.

Behind him was Rowan, dressed in the clothes she was wearing when they first met. Kneeling, she was picking things up and putting them back down while humming a song he would eventually recognize.

“Rowan!” he cried, rushing to her side. She didn’t really react to him, other than ceasing her song. His heart even further. Then she picked something up and placed it in his hands. The pin of her cravat from their last party.

“Bat.”

Astarion looked around at the things she’d surrounded herself with.

One of their matching rings, the self-warming wine bottle with the label she made, a bottle of perfume, his burial shroud.

A wooden duck, an acorn, a stone in the shape of a bear, a bundle of herbs.

A book on magic, a purple stone that glowed, a sachet of spice, a small figure of a tressym.

A candle, a gear, a stuffed bear, a broken horn. 

A mirror, a pendant made of opal in the shape of a crescent moon, a carving of a wolf, a potion whose contents swirled on its own.

A bloodstone, a poem about a hero, a basket hilt for a rapier, a pair of dancer’s shoes.

A silver blade, a miniature snoozing dragon, a honing stone, a bright yellow gem.

There were other things scattered about, like a miniature lute or anvil. In front of her was a box. Rowan reached in, pulled out a little figure, admired it with a smile, and put it down. When the box was empty, she would pick up a figure, admire it again, and put it back.

Astarion started sobbing, dropping the pin and hiding his face in his hands. He didn’t know what was worse, finding nothing or finding her like this. All he felt was pain.

“Here,” she said. He didn’t hear her at first. She repeated the word. He opened his eyes to find her looking directly at him, her hand tapping her lap. “Here.”

Astarion got on his side and laid his head on her leg. Rowan started humming again and combed her fingers through his hair. He started sobbing harder.

“Good boy,” Rowan told him in a soothing voice. 

“I miss you so much. It’s so hard. I don’t know what to do.” Rowan stopped petting his head and switched to stroking his arm. “Please tell me what to do. Please come back. I don’t understand.”

Rowan continued to lavish him with touch and emitted a soft shushing sound in between snatches of songs he remembered her singing to herself.

So began Astarion’s true downward spiral.

He would spend the entire day wallowing in hopelessness. Someone would try to be encouraging and he’d threaten to eviscerate them. If he wasn’t afraid of turning Rowan into a meal or letting her starve to death, he would lock the door and never leave.

One day, when he came out of his trance, she was gone. Astarion flew into a panic. He was ready to search every inch of the tower, but when he left their room, it was immediately apparent where she went.

The door to the balcony was open. Sunlight spilled out into the center of the otherwise dark floor of the tower.

Fearing the worst, he rushed into the light. As expected, it burned. Astarion tried to fight it, to grit his teeth and bear it, but he ran back inside before he could find her. Once the effects of the sun subsided, he rushed to the stairs and started yelling for someone, anyone, who could go outside.

It didn’t matter who, but Rolan answered. Confused, he asked, “What in the hells is going on down here?”

Astarion indicated the balcony door, still spewing wonderful, spiteful sunlight. “Rowan went outside.”

Thankfully, Rolan didn’t do that dumb wizard thing where they’re so smart they ask a stupid question, like “what do you mean?” or “why?” Instead, he went in search of her.

Astarion was in knots while he waited, praying to every god he could name. 

When Rolan guided Rowan back through the door and closed it behind them, Astarion leapt to his feet and took hold of her by the shoulders. Shaking her back and forth, he shouted, “What in the hells is wrong with you?! Do you know what you put me through? You ungrateful-”

“Hey!” Rolan yelled, one hand crackling with magic. The other pulled Rowan away from Astarion. The threat of a shocking grasp was unnecessary, as the blind rage bled out of him at the sight of Rowan protecting her head with her arms. Astarion took a step back, wringing his hands to keep them busy.

“I’m sorry,” he told them both sadly, unable to look up from the floor.

“She was messing with the plants,” Rolan started to explain. Astarion looked up in surprise and saw that her hands were covered in dirt and green stains. “I don’t really understand gardening of all things. That’s what the mage hands are for, I guess.”

“Rowan loved to garden,” Astarion said in almost mystified tone, taking hold of her dirty hands. Dusting them off, he went on, “She was always taking care of everyone’s potted plants…”

“Perhaps now that she has some… independence, maybe we should encourage her to do things she liked to do.” After giving it some consideration, he added, “We’ll take turns.”

Astarion was taken by surprise. “You would do that?” 

Rolan looked at him like it was a stupid question. “Of course.”

The matter settled, Astarion softened his eyes and his tone for Rowan. With a gentle smile, he said to her, “Let's get you cleaned up, hm?” 

Astarion did all the hard parts. Admittedly, they got a little less hard as Rowan started doing things for herself, but he was still exhausted. Rolan was probably right, taking her out into the sun to do some of her favorite things had some healing effect. At least Astarion could walk her around the balcony to stargaze and read to her before putting her to bed. They even cooked together, but as someone who didn’t eat, Bex and Lia were much better at it than him.

Sometimes he would come back from his nightly escapades to find her already dressed, sitting at the table, a spoon in her hand. Sometimes he’d find her staring at something, but really staring, not just looking off into space.

Nothing changed in her little dreamscape. Just black emptiness. Little reminders of the people in her life. He tried to keep all of his sadness and frustration inside until he came here, where no one could see him cry or hear him scream. The Rowan inside seemed to react to his emotions with kindness, whereas the one outside reacted with fear.

Every day felt mostly the same. A familiar feeling. At least there was no Cazador. Just the specter of guilt whenever he thought about running away from it all. So, a little like Cazador. Freedom meant he could choose, but he still felt trapped. Cazador trapped him with his love for Astarion. Astarion trapped himself with his love for Rowan. 

Leon and Victoria came to visit sometimes. Despite Rowan’s self-proclaimed disinterest in children, the girl was fond of her. Apparently she had lots of fun going through Rowan’s things when she was being resurrected all those months ago, when Astarion freed himself and the other spawn of Cazador. 

While the two were drawing pictures on the floor, Astarion caught Victoria humming a song Rowan hummed often recently.

“Where did you hear that melody?” he questioned her, maybe a little too harshly, for Leon elbowed him. “Did Rowan teach it to you?”

“Mhm!” Victoria confirmed happily, unaware that she was supposed to expand on that. Leon nudged her with a leading question. “It’s about magic paintings in a vampire’s castle. A very pretty vampire has to kill him, because the other one is mean. Sometimes the castle is upside down!”

An incredibly nonsense explanation that, considering the stories Rowan would tell, made sense. In a rare moment of clarity, Astarion recalled how he would find Rowan standing in front of a painting, humming the very same song. Leon joined him as he went to stare at it, hoping to understand some secret message.

“Just some old wizard, looks like,” Leon remarked, disinterested. “Not particularly good-looking.”

“If I’ve learned anything, coincidences are worth investigating.”

“From what I heard, you weren’t exactly the brains of the operation.” Astarion shot his brother a sharp glare, which Leon laughed off. “Why don’t we take it over to her and see what she does?”

Without waiting for an answer, Leon lifted the painting off its hook. Astarion inhaled sharply, looked behind him quickly, then turned back.

There was Leon and another man, looking back at them.

A magic mirror.

“It’s… me?” When he reached out, the other man reached out. Leon watched him curiously.

“What’s the big deal?”

“It’s my reflection, you git!”

“Right, it’s probably a magic mirror. Did you forget what you look like?”

“Yes!”

“Weird.”

“I was a vampire for two centuries!”

“But, to forget what you look like?” Astarion scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, I suppose you didn’t forget everything from before you were turned.”

“Not really. I always wanted to get back to my mother, but I was worried about what she’d say.”

“Well, you were a late addition,” Astarion pointed out, waving his hand dismissively.

“No, I think pretty much everyone remembers things from before. Petras had a sweetheart.”

“What?!” Leon shrugged.

“I think Cazador really had it out for you. You were his favorite, afterall.”

“You were his favorite. You got the big room and the soft bed. I got bugs for dinner and a flaying for breakfast.”

“Vampires are just… really weird. I think he really loved you, in a really weird, fucked up sort of way.”

“I can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth right now.”

“Why would a wizard hide a magic mirror behind a painting?” Leon asked, choosing to move on.

“Who knows. That pompous ass Lorroakan probably didn’t even know. Rolan’s still finding things, mostly by accident…”

“Well, congratulations. Now you can wank off to yourself.” Leon chuckled as he propped the painting up against the wall and went back to his daughter. Astarion spent so long inspecting himself in the magic mirror that their visitors were gone when he managed to tear himself away.

“I apologize, sweetheart,” Astarion told Rowan softly when he returned to her side, placing a kiss on her head. “You’re probably hungry.”

While she ate, he continued to look at himself in the mirror. “They say that you stay the way you were when you were turned. Those Gur must have done a number on me.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“No Gur.”

“Are you trying to tell me that I wasn’t killed by a bunch of Gur that I managed to piss off?”

“Yes.”

“Was I even a magistrate?”

“No.”

“How do you know that?” Of course, she didn’t articulate an answer. “Do you have Cazador’s… memories, or something?”

“Mm.”

“Let’s try an easy one: Was I beautiful?”

“Yes.”

“Am I still?”

“Yes.”

“Are you answering at random?”

“No.”

“Hm. That doesn’t really help, does it…” Looking at himself in the magic mirror, he poked at his ears. He thought she was exaggerating with those ear cuff illusions, but he really did have some large ears… He laid the mirror down carefully. Solemnly, he asked, “Do you still love me?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to get better?” Again, she gave him a non-answer. His chest hurt. Not really, because he was dead, but his mind imagined the pain. “Am I going to get through this?”

“Yes.”

Astarion placed one of his cold hands on her arm. Rowan stopped holding the edge of her plate and rolled her arm over so her hand was palm up. Gently, he slid his fingers along her exposed skin, tracing the blue veins under milky-white skin, until he interlaced their fingers.

“I don’t even care if you’re just… saying things. It’s nice to hear.” She didn’t respond. He squeezed her hand. “Of all the weirdos I could have fallen for… you might be the weirdest.”

“Yes.”

----

Astarion was surprised by Withers’ invitation to a ‘reunion.’ He debated saying no, but Rowan became more expressive than ever when he spoke of it. So, for about a month, he worked on reversing her sleep schedule. They would have to move at night this time, and maybe a little bit in the late evening or early morning. Astarion didn’t relish the idea of accidentally burning to death on the road, leaving Rowan alone and defenseless.

Rolan gave them as many scrolls and potions as seemed useful, while Bex stuffed as much food as she could into a bag for Rowan. While on the road, Astarion was going back to hunting animals, but he managed to procure two ever-warm bottles of human blood to sip and keep him sharp.

At least their journey would be a bit shorter than last time; the destroyed bridge that forced them to go the long way to Baldur’s Gate was temporarily repaired. Astarion debated going through the Underdark, he at least wouldn’t be threatened by the sun, but with Rowan’s condition, it was just too risky. 

Most exciting, more than seeing someone new for once, was that he managed to get her suit made. He made a few tweaks, of course, because he knew better than her about fashion, but it was essentially the same. The pin was still the same, even if the sight of it made him roll his eyes. So cliche and yet… so adorable. A little tribute to him.

They were the last to arrive, but it was fashionable to be a bit late. Or so he told himself. Really, it was because Rowan’s outfit was a bit more complicated than her normal attire, so he struggled to get it perfect.

“Praise the Oakfather, Rowan appears much better than the last time I saw her,” Halsin remarked, the first to greet them with a broad smile. “You have taken good care of her.”

Astarion wanted to bite back with ‘no thanks to you’, but instead he smiled and bowed his head in humility. “Thank you. It hasn’t been easy, especially dragging her all the way out here.”

“Yes, I imagine so. Unfortunate that Withers chose not to set up in Reithwin, but I admit, it is more meaningful for you all that it is here.” Halsin pulled something out of his bag and placed it in Rowan’s hands. “An owl, just for you. I thought I would branch out.”

“Still fowl.” 

Halsin chuckled and wagged a finger at Astarion. “Owls are not fowl. Perhaps I can have Gale explain it better-”

“It was a joke, Halsin.” Astarion didn’t follow as Rowan wandered over to Jaheira and Minsc, who started doting on her in the strangest way. Halsin cleared his throat.

“And how are you doing, Astarion?” Astarion shook his head slightly, breaking free of his distraction.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t ask because I assumed the answer was ‘busy’ and ‘fucking everything that moves.’ Your usual activities.” Halsin laughed, that bassy sound that resonated in Astarion’s stomach and sent a thrill through him. 

“No, I was not chastising you for being rude. I was asking how youhave been holding up. Even the strongest of people struggle when they must care for someone with many needs.”

“Fine.” Astarion sighed and rolled his eyes in defeat. “Not that fine, but… Things have been better. Not always, but usually. I just remind myself that I love her… and she loved me.”

“That is a special kind of love that many only dream of experiencing.” Halsin placed a hand on his shoulder and Astarion started to shrug it off, but didn’t. “You look in need of a hug.”

“What I need is a fuck,” Astarion retorted bitterly, but then he chuckled. “When this all started, I felt like a starving dog, salivating at the sight of meat. But I didn’t eat, because I couldn’t do that to her. After a while I just… forgot what that hunger was.”

Halsin squeezed his shoulder, and to his surprise, Astarion threw himself into his arms. Thankfully, no one was watching, as they were all gathered around Rowan. Astarion couldn’t say how long he spent in that embrace, but it wasn’t long enough.

Out of nowhere, there was a sound much like a firework exploding. Then a bright crackling light streaked into the sky, circled back towards them, and zipped around them before hurtling back into the sky. It bobbed up there, little bits of colorful light breaking off like confetti. It did loops and spirals until finally it shot straight towards the spot where Astarion’s tent once stood and in a burst of brilliant light, it turned into a… door.

“What in the Hells was that?” Karlach asked, approaching the door cautiously. The others followed behind, peering around her broad shoulders.

“Withers’ idea of entertainment?” Shadowheart remarked.

“Rowan!” Astarion cried out, running towards the door. Throwing it open, he leapt through.

It was more fantastical than he remembered. They were under the boughs of a great tree, small sparkling lights in many colors circling around it. The gardens were sprawling and majestic, but the home still looked much the same. It always made him think of warmth and safety, somewhere calm and welcoming.

From above came a ball of glittering light, lazily spinning down like a leaf dropping in a subtle fall breeze. As it came closer, it became humanoid in shape. When it flipped right-side up and hovered just above the soft grass, its skin appeared white with streaks of blue flame. Much how a vampire burning in the sun might look.

“What sorcery is this?” Minsc cried out behind Astarion, who was too stunned to move. The figure rushed towards him, its arms spread wide.

“My Star, how I’ve missed you!” it cried in Rowan’s voice. It was Rowan. Astarion took a huge step back as it tried to embrace him. The figure, perhaps one of Rowan’s more genderless choices for her form, was actually made of electricity with a thin image over top to give it features and a sense of boundary.

It backed away from him quickly, shrinking slightly. Its feet finally touched the ground. The look on its face and in its eyes was indecipherable, but it gave off an impression of shame and hurt.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through?!” Astarion shouted once he had an inkling of understanding.

“Astarion…” Karlach pleaded sadly. Sad on his behalf? Or Rowan’s? He dismissed her with a wave of his hand.

“No. I’m sorry. I don’t,” the figure answered, shrinking even further, its head lowering.

“I should have spent the last six months in some never-ending epic poem to hedonistic debauchery, drinking more wine than the Chionthar has water, in a pile of sweaty limbs, but instead, I’ve been taking care of you! ” The physical form was absent, despite Halsin’s effort to bring it along. “I’ve had to do everything for you! Do you know how hard that is?!”

The figure said nothing. Knowing Rowan, it was ready to burst into tears, into flame, but it would keep quiet because it knew that it deserved his venom. 

“Do you know how many times I’ve thought about throwing you off that tower? Of walking into the sun so I could be free of the millstone you put around my neck? How guilty I felt even thinking those things? For wanting to abandon you? How trapped I feel? How much I prayed for something, anything, to change? To wake up and find that this was all some nightmare and I was still in Cazador’skennels?

“I’ve never known so much joy and hatred as I’ve felt looking at you now.”

With that, Astarion stomped past the figure and into the house, where he found any bottle of wine, uncorked it, and immediately tipped it down his throat. When it was gone, he finally looked around to see if anything was different. There was a painting, which wasn’t different, but now he could see that it was him. Growling, he snatched it off the wall and smashed its frame on the floor. Then he started on a second bottle of wine.

After some time, Gale entered the room.

“Why not leave?” he asked curiously, taking in his surroundings.

“Wine actually tastes like wine here. Why drink vinegar when I can have the best vintages of a land I will never see?”

“Ah, that is a good reason. May I try?” Gale held out his hand and, to his surprise, Astarion handed him the bottle. Sparing no thought for propriety, he took a swallow straight from the source. “Not exactly to my tastes, but I know a few distinguished wizards who would enjoy that.”

“Good. Take her with you.”

“You don’t mean that, Astarion.”

“You are the last person I want to talk to right now.” After a sip, he added, “Second-to-last, anyway.”

“Perhaps, but as is hard to forget, my last love was a goddess, so I might be the one best equipped for this task.” Gale took a deep breath and became very serious, with just an edge of gentleness. “I am not telling you to forgive or forget. You prevailed through a monumentaltask. Not everyone could have done what you did.” 

Astarion made a dismissive noise, but somehow it sounded a little… proud? At this, Gale smiled a little.

“And your feelings- well. We all have our dark thoughts, don’t we? At times I wanted to wander into the Underdark or have some merchant ship drop me in the middle of the ocean so I could be done with this accursed orb.

“That is all to say… You love each other very much. A love many would be jealous to have. I certainly am. And seeing all this, that has been created for the two of you? Even more so. You know each other deeply. Thatis what makes this so hard.”

Astarion sneered at his words, even if they comforted him a little. “You have no idea how I feel.”

“Perhaps not. I cherish our friendship enough that I would readily open my home and heart to you, so you might work through this, give you space in a marvelous city to take comfort in solitude or company, if you so desired. But I think, with all of us gathered here once more… It would be good to hear what Rowan has to say. But no one will make you.”

Astarion sat at the kitchen table for a long time, silently staring out into one of the gardens, draining bottle after bottle of wine that was made just for him. Time was different here, he was well aware, but regardless of that, he had no qualms making them wait.

Eventually, he staggered out, one last bottle in his hand. They were all gathered near the base of the tree. The druids were marveling at the garden, Karlach was trying to cheer Rowan up, and the others discussed the nature of such a place. They all turned to face Astarion.

“Well. Let’s get this over with. Explain yourself,” he slurred angrily, eyes narrowed at her.

Rowan’s form lifted its head and stood in the middle of them all, facing Astarion once it regarded them each in turn.

“There are no words to express how much I regret what has passed.” 

Astarion wagged his finger before slicing the air with his flattened hand. “No apologies. I don’t want to hear them. I want to know why.”

“I will start by saying… I have no idea what happened after the Brain was dominated.” Some of them exchanged questioning glances. “I… remember a searing hot pain, all throughout my body. I saw some of you, some of our friends, hurt by events I couldn’t see. I reached out to them. Then I was here. Like this.”

“You don’t remember talking to me after the sun started to burn? Protecting me from it so I could get to the tower?” Astarion asked with clear mistrust and disbelief.

“I’m s- no. I don’t. It was probably what part of me was left in the fateweave I gave you.” The form bowed its head. “What stands before you is what Jergal saved from oblivion. What you’ve been caring for is the vessel he made to keep me. I didn’t know at the time, but I over-extended myself trying to protect everyone. Without realizing, I used Jergal’s magic to fortify the spells I gave you and others. Without a complete soul, I became detached from the vessel and ended up here.

“Without your care, my vessel would likely be dead, and I would be trapped here forever.”

“How are we here now?” Gale asked academically, hand on chin.

“The place where we all gathered. The hearth around which we became friends and more. It is a place meaningful to me, my… rebirth-place. The veil between this plane and the physical is thin here. When the vessel came back, I could sense it and I knew at least one of you would be with it. I used much of my strength to push through and hopefully get your attention.”

Astarion looked up into the boughs of the tree, at the lights winking out to be replaced by new ones. Their swirling, mixed with the wine, made him dizzy in a giddy sort of way. “This is much different than the last time I was here.”

Rowan looked up as well, a wistful expression hidden on its face. “It is.”

“How do we glue you back together?” Karlach asked, cutting off Rowan’s wistfulness, distress clear in her voice.

“What has been done once, cannot be done again. To tether the two together once and for all? Only a price I will not ask or accept,” Rowan started, regarding her friend fondly. “A soul.”

“You were building a soul from those you helped. Where did it go?” Wyll asked, placing a calming hand on Karlach’s arm.

“I spread it amongst you all, woven into the strands of the weak fates I sheared off of your souls. It protected you from blades and spells, from missing critical strikes. It turned into raging warriors whose history flowed through my blood. It protected you from dragon fire, a doomed engine. The sun.”

“We will find you a new one.” Lae’zel insisted fiercely, puffing out her chest, a fire in her eyes. “We have done the impossible before.”

“Your kindness swells my heart, but your journey is done. You must live your lives.”

“Don’t say shit like that! You’d do the same for me!” Karlach cried, jabbing an accusing finger at Rowan’s form. “For any of us!”

Rowan shook her head. “I am not giving you a choice. I was never supposed to be here. This is how it is supposed to be.” 

“Your vessel worked its magic on dying animals and got better,” Astarion informed her, his voice a mix of annoyance and hope.

“Your care made it better. Animals are small, weak. I didn't derive power from them. Their fates are easily swayed.” 

Rowan regarded them each in turn, her head held high, like a hero saying farewell before sacrificing themselves for the greater good. Solemnly, she said, “I’m sorry that I made you care for me. It made me very happy to be your friend.”

“There must be another way,” Shadowheart pleaded, a determination in her eyes that rivaled Lae’zel’s.

“You would give up so easily?” Halsin asked sadly, voice dripping with heartbreak.

“The girl has made up her mind,” Jaheira retorted with pride, chin raised and admiration in her wizened eyes. 

“A warrior is brave in the face of death.” Minsc puffed out his chest and grinned like a lunatic.

“Please, Rowan, reconsider.” Wyll and Karlach gave her the biggest, wettest eyes. The cracks of Rowan’s form went from blue to red as she emitted a low growl of frustration.

“I have considered! All this time I have considered! That this could have been avoided if I had been more careful. If I found just one more person who could use my help. If I hadn't wasted power on frivolousfancies. If I had found one more zombie, one more spawn.”

Astarion felt hollow. Rowan seemed to perceive this, her cracks bleeding black to blue and her demeanor softening.

“Not you. No , I would never ask you to do that for me, and I wouldn't have accepted it, because it should be your choice, not some sacrifice. No. There were so many souls in those cells that I didn't take, because I wanted them to suffer. I wanted them to remember why I gave them no choice but to rot and die. The ones that hurt you. I didn't want them to become a part of me. I didn't take part of Cazador either, just the power he yielded.

“I thought I had time. In the aftermath, maybe I could find the solution. I wanted to see what life would be like without the threat, when life would have no choice but to change. But there is no more solution. There are no more “if only”s. This is how it is.”

Gale narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing everything he could find in Rowan’s speech and demeanor. “There is something you're not telling us. There is a solution.”

“If I won't tell you, then there is no solution.”

“There are other ways to bond a soul. Some much less nefarious than others.”

“Marriage!” Shadowheart cried, suddenly remembering something. “You asked if I was able to join you in marriage.”

“It was a possibility. Before. To fill in the gap. But now it is all gap.”

“Now you would be relying on them. If they died, you would die. If they wanted to sever the bond, you would die.” Gale turned to Astarion. “If you thought you're trapped now…”

Astarion shot him a sharp glance. “Quiet, you.”

“I've ruined the celebration,” Rowan remarked, obviously trying to change the subject. “I’m sorry. You should be drinking and dancing.”

“It's not a party without you, Ro.”

“I'm afraid you must go without my charming presence tonight.”

“You don't drop a fireball like that on us and wave us off. Didn’t take you for a devil.”

“If you want to stay and visit, feel free. My door remains open to you.”

Everyone stayed for a while, knowing that time outside passed much more slowly. They asked many questions, mostly marveling at what had been happening right underneath their noses. Gale tried to figure out some way for them to all communicate. He insisted that he would come to their old campsite again during Blackstaff’s break in order to visit.

After seeing everyone off, Rowan found Astarion in the bath, another bottle of wine in his hand.

“I’m not leaving,” he growled, emphatically sipping his wine before sinking deeper into the bubbles. 

“You have to leave.”

“Make me.” Rowan stared at him. “Go on. Convince me to leave.”

“The interesting thing about returning to this” Rowan indicated her electrical state “is that I remember. In a calm way, of course. No hysterics like the last time we were all here. I remember their faces, the sound of their voices. I remember how I died: slowly. The kind of death where people are relieved you’re gone, because there’s nothing left of you. You’re just a shell, held together by nothing but their memory of you.”

Astarion rose up a bit and put down his wine. “Rowan, I-”

Rowan held up a hand. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m not ripping my own heart out to turn the tables, to make you apologize to me . I put you in this position. I am sorry. I’m telling you this because I watched people suffer like you’ve suffered these past six months and you need to let me go.”

“No!” Astarion leapt up from the water. “They had to let you go because they couldn't do anything for you. I can do something.”

“Bind your soul to mine and pray we find another 7000 spawn somewhere?”

“I'm a vampire, I'll live forever so long as I stay out of the sun, running bodies of water, and don't get a stake rammed through my heart. I've had a thousand souls tied to mine. What greater romance could there be than becoming my love’s undying phylactery.”

Rowan shook her head. “I can't let you do this.”

“Yes you can. You've become so afraid of trampling on my freedom that you're taking my choices away.” Rowan opened her mouth in shock, then lowered her head in acceptance. Astarion’s firmness and confidence changed to surprise. Placing his hands on his soapy hips, cocked just a little, he went on, “I've made a very good point. Are you sure I wasn't a magister?”

“What?”

Astarion waved his hand about. “The other one. She said I wasn't a magister and that I wasn't killed by Gur. I assumed you knew that.”

“Probably magic from the other side banging around in there. That vessel is more Toril than Earth.”

“I’m sorry, you call your planet dirt?”

“We call our sun “sun” and our moon is “moon”, too.” Astarion scoffed and shook his head.

“I never want to hear you criticize me ever again, that's ridiculous.”

“Hey, I didn't name them! Some old fucks were in charge of that.”

Astarion laughed, head thrown back, body swaying. “How I missedthis.”

“I've missed you too.”

“I said some nasty things-”

“I deserved it.” Astarion held up a finger.

“You did . But I shouldn't have saidthem.”

“It's okay. I don't expect your forgiveness.”

“I'm not forgiving you. Yet .” He took the ring off his finger and held it out to her. “ But… I would like to spend that time learning to forgive you… withyou.”

To his surprise, her form was able to hold the ring. She turned it over in her fingers.

“I don't want you to do this just to save me.”

“Darling, I'm as selfish as they come. I'm doing this because I want you back. All of it. And I don't care if you can't change shape or protect me from the sun or give me barrels of your blood. I want myRowan back. What is pledging to live the rest of your life together if not giving up some freedom for the guarantee that someone will pick you up when you fall and laugh with you when you make a mess of things?”

“If it's what you want.”

“No, my dear. Be honest with me, serve yourself for just a moment: is this what you want?” 

Rowan held out a hand. Astarion offered his. She slipped the ring back on. He admired it a moment as if it was the first time seeing it on his finger.

“Now that that’s settled. Let's have Shadowheart bind our souls together forevermore in the holy bonds of Selunite matrimony, or whatever , and then we can have the loudest, nastiest party that this group of do-gooders are capable of.”

Everyone stared at him expectantly when he reached the other side. There was no time for questions as a streak of lightning zipped out of the door after him. It spiraled up, came down, slammed into the ground, and rolled around a bit as if drunk or confused. It lifted up, shook side to side a few times, and then bobbed over to Rowan’s vessel. It made some loops around it, inspecting, and then tried ramming into it. It bounced off again and again, trying different spots. When the vessel opened its mouth, perhaps to say something inane like ‘owl’, the ball of electricity rushed in.

After some sputtering and coughing, the light in Rowan’s eyes returned to full brilliance. Karlach rushed to hug her, but Rowan held up a warding hand.

“Hold on, think I’m gonna be sick,” she mumbled as she crouched down, putting her head between her knees. “I’m so fucking dizzy.”

“Take your time, Ro.”

“Ugh, I feel like garbage. Did I lose weight?” Rowan rubbed her temples with the heels of her palms. “Why’d you feed me so many carrots?”

Astarion laughed nervously and looked away. “I’m better with a knife than a cauldron.”

Rowan briefly considered giving him a dressing-down, but her expression suddenly changed to abject horror. Tears welled in her eyes and she threw herself at Astarion, crushing him in an embrace.

“I’m so sorryyyy,” she sobbed hysterically, readjusting her hold on him to find the best place to latch on forever. Astarion gave her a few pats on the back.

“Well, at least I won’t resent you forever for not knowing how great I was.” Rowan started crying harder, so Astarion tried to laugh it off as if he’d been joking. “Come on, darling, let’s make this official before you turn back into a turnip.”

“If I’d known this would be a wedding, I would have come better-dressed,” Jaheira said cheekily. “Sorry I didn’t bring a gift.”

“At least the lovely couple looks the part,” Gale pointed out, fixing a wrinkle Rowan made in Astarion’s coat.

“You know, I never answered you. I can’t actuallyperform a wedding,” Shadowheart told Rowan apologetically as she similarly fixed Rowan’s clothes.

Smiling broadly, Halsin raised a hand. “I have. In the name of Silvanus, of course. But I would be honored to do this for you, if you so wished.”

“Not like we have much choice…” Astarion muttered under his breath. Rowan gave Halsin an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“It would have been nice to prepare some words, but we can’t all get what we wish for,” he said sheepishly, finding a good place to stand that seemed ‘official.’

“Don’t overthink it, they’re only the words that will bind us together until one or both of us die.” Astarion laughed as the reality of how true those words were sank in. “Preferably in a really hilarious or romanticway.”

“So be it. In the embrace of Silvanus, do you promise to cherish one another, to be each other’s strength, and each other’s home?”

“I do,” Rowan answered happily.

“I already did all that,” Astarion argued. Lae'zel elbowed him in the ribs. “Oomph . Yes , I promise.”

“Then may you walk as two souls- No. May you walk as one soul in two bodies? Under the su- moonand the Oakfather’s boughs.” Chuckling, Halsin made a gesture, pushing his palms together. “Now you may kiss, to seal this oath and begin your next journey together.”

To great applause, they did. They stared fondly into each other’s eyes like the lovesick protagonists they were. Then Rowan hiccuped and stuck out her tongue in disgust. “Your soul is, like, really bitter.”

“What a lovely thing to say to your new husband,” Astarion complained, but then laughed. “I suppose that does sound just like me.”

“Here you go, Ro, wash it down with this,” Karlach said cheerily, holding out a mug of beer to her. Rowan took an eager sip only to sputter. Most of them laughed.

“That’s even more bitter!”

“Serves you right,” Astarion told her, handing her another mug. “I seem to recall you preferring this.”

Rowan eyed it suspiciously, but it smelled familiar. She took a cautious sip. “Is there something wrong with this? It doesn’t taste right…”

“Tastes fine to me,” Wyll answered, taking a testing sip from the mug.

“I think we turned you into a vampire,” Shadowheart said. Rowan slowly opened her mouth and prodded the points of her teeth. Shadowheart chuckled. “Maybe part-vampire.”

“Still blue,” Astarion pointed out, peering into her eyes. Shadowheart held up a hand mirror, which failed to show either of their reflections. Astarion clicked his tongue. “Oh dear. Well, that’s disappointing. At least we found that magic mirror at Rolan’s.”

“Are you feeling… hungry ?” Jaheira asked in a conspiratorial tone, a little smirk on her lips. Next to her, Minsc’s eyes lit up and he cried out, “Fish! They are all neck. Perfectfor vampires.”

“Honestly… no. I’m not hungry at all,” Rowan answered, face serious.

“Hopefully it stays that way. Aside from never seeing the sun and being Cazador’spuppet, the hunger is probably the worst part.”

“But I liked food…” Gale put a hand on her shoulder and offered her a smile.

“You know, it’s not a wedding without dancing.” Astarion bristled.

“If you think you go first, you’re sadly mistaken, Gale.” 

“Of course not, but I am vying for the second dance. I’ve been practicing.”

Rowan enjoyed dancing, although she wasn’t good at it, and everyone got to tell her what they’d been up to. While listening to Minsc go on about… something or other, Astarion sidled up to her and grabbed her by the arm.

“You’ll have to excuse us, Minsc. Rowan looks a bit overwhelmed.”

“Yes! Minsc does have that effect on people… Especially weird not-quite-a-monster-but-not-normal-either people.”

In the woods, where after the party with the tieflings he fed and she slept, Astarion fixed her with a hungry look in his eyes. “I’m still furious with you… but how I’ve missed you.”

“If it helps, I don’t think I’ve spent a moment not thinking about you since the last time I laid eyes on your beautiful face.” She smirked devilishly at him. “I’ve especially thought a lot about taking care of you, if you catch my meaning.”

Astarion made a soft ‘tch’ noise and tilted his head. “You might have upgraded yourself to ‘angry’, but we’ll see how much all that fantasizing has paid off.”

When they got back, both a little disheveled, they were greeted by mocking, but cheerful, applause.

After patting his arm and giving Astarion a reassuring kiss on the cheek, Rowan went in search of Withers.

“Ah. Thou hast returned.”

“Thanks for inviting them, I guess. You could have saved us a lot of trouble if you just re-glued me, though. What, should I have left you a check?”

“Thy fate was to die, but it has never been known to be… hrm … reliable .” He tilted his head in the barest form of admiration. “You have always been persistent.”

“Thanks, Dad, I know you really mean that.”

“Hrm… Dad…”

Rowan thumped him on the arm and gave him a wink. “Be sure to write every hundred years.”

“So, what are your honeymoon plans?” Wyll asked when she returned. They were all joined around the fire like tender times of old.

“I am taking a long holiday. I will not lift a single spoon or rag for the next six months,” Astarion said after taking a sip of wine. “I will only be removing clothes.”

“I was thinking we’d visit Reithwin on the way back to Baldur’s Gate,” Rowan answered, ignoring Astarion’s not-so-subtle barbs. “I’d like to see everyone so they can know I’m fine. Then maybe we’d do some traveling, visit Waterdeep?”

“Magical! A room will be ready for you on your arrival. You might even fall in love with the place,” Gale said cheerfully, almost desperately.

“Doubtful. Hard to compete with the pile of rubble that’s Baldur’s Gate,” Astarion retorted. Wyll and Karlach sagged a little. He actually felt bad about it. “Sorry. It’s not that awful.”

“You’ve been eating non-Guild thieves and stealing jewelry from dead nobility for the past six months,” Rowan muttered.

“Now, hold on, I’ll have you know, I did many people a service by eating those thieves. There’s just no one to pay me for my good deeds, so… I stole some things. Do you know how expensive all those carrots were?” Rowan gave him a withering glare, then smiled. They both laughed.

“Good to see you two are starting on sure footing,” Shadowheart said with a humored smile.

“I’m going to miss you all so much,” Karlach said, sniffling. Rowan rested her head on her bicep and Karlach crushed her in a sudden hug.

“Oh, I know what I want to do,” Astarion interrupted suddenly, rather excitedly, as if the thought just occurred to him. “I want… to fuck on the ceiling of a temple.”

“Why?” Shadowheart asked, both disgusted, confused, and a little curious.

“It would be humorous,” Lae’zel answered for him, beaming with pride when he pointed at her and winked, a sign that she was right. “I am starting to understand the humor of Fae-run.”

“I think I don’t need to breathe anymore,” Rowan remarked, making Karlach realize that, if she was normal, Rowan would’ve passed out by now with how tightly she was gripping. Hopefully, she asked, “Can I become a necromancer now?”

“NO!” most everyone yelled. Astarion and Rowan emitted a small ‘aww.’ Everyone laughed, except Minsc, who was very serious. 

“Necromancy is no joke. Boo harbors only hatred for necromancers. They smell funny and do not keep tasty snacks around their lairs for him to nibble.”

“We are joking, Minsc. Lighten up a little.”

“How is something as evil as necromancers a joke, Jaheira?”

“They smell funny,” Lae’zel answered. Much to everyone’s surprise, they laughed.

“Regretting it yet?” Rowan asked Astarion as everyone tucked into bed.

“I always resented you a little bit, for protecting me. I didn’t want protection, I didn’t want to admit that I needed it. I wanted to be strong, all on my own, because all I had ever been was weak and I never thought I could trust someone. But then you needed my protection… Despite how painful and frustrating it was… I realized that protecting you felt good. I could express my love without honeyed words, or expensive gifts, or phenomenal sex.” He eyed her, a little smile replacing his thoughtful gaze. “Now, we can protect each other.”

“But you still want the compliments and the gifts and the sex, right?”

“Oh, of course, darling, I haven’t completely changed.” She kissed him and smirked as she pulled away.

“Wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“Now let’s just pray we don’t burst into flames or fall into any spike pits.”

“There’s the sarcasm. I was starting to get worried.”

“How long do you think it’ll take? To find 7000 fragments of souls?”

“A very long time, I’d guess.”

“Good thing I stayed a vampire, then.” A moment passed in silence. “Did you know that would happen?”

“Kind of stretching the definition of ‘know.’ I’m not exactly Withers, and even he’s wrong sometimes.” Rowan reached out and plucked something from his shoulder. For once, Astarion saw it: a piece of fate, a wriggling blue-white worm in between her fingers. “This one is you slipping off into the dark when I’m not looking.”

“And you just stoleit from me?”

“It wouldn’t come off so easily if you were seriously considering it. These are more like fleeting fancies.” Rowan stuck the fate in her mouth and slurped it up like a noodle. She smiled in satisfaction. “Mmm, the tragic ones always taste the best. Salty.”

“I forgot how much of a freak you are.”

“You like it.”

Astarion sighed in resignation. “I do. I’m a fool.”

“Too bad Shadowheart and Lae’zel seem pretty retired. If Gale taught me to be a wizard, that would be a pretty balanced party.”

“Already planning another heroic adventure?”

“I’ll be honest, I’m kinda sad I sat at home while you all did the hard part.”

“There’s plenty of people singing your praises in Baldur’s Gate.”

“I don’t want praise. Well, Maybe a little. Would it hurt to have my portrait put up somewhere?”

Astarion laughed. “I think my soul is having more of an effect than I thought.”

“What I really miss… is that you all seem so much closer for having fought beside each other. And crazy stories.” Rowan sighed wistfully. “And imagine how tragic and beautiful it would’ve been if I was on the edge of death in your arms, or some villain used a domination spell to make you rip my throat out with your fangs.”

“That would be a delicious fate.”

“Mmm, like salmon roe. Salty and wet and it pops between your teeth.”

“It’s absolutely tragic that we’ve robbed you of taste. Thankfully, I have enough taste for the both of us.”

“You’re a dork.”

“You have to be nice to me. I’ve been through a lot and I’m very fragile.”

“I meant it as a compliment. Like when you call me a freak.”

“You area freak.”

“And youare a dork.”

“Maybe we should get Lae’zel to teach you to be a warrior. It would be entertaining to see someone bash you over the head.”

“Maybe she should, so I can kick your ass and finally shut your smart mouth.”

“Oh, so we are flirting!” Rowan gasped, hand to chest, offended.

“Flirting? My good sir, who do you take me for! I’m a newly-married lady.” 

“He’s invited too. The more the merrier. He must be a very handsome and charming man to win your hand.”

“That he may be, but he is also dangerous.”

“Dangerous? Sounds exciting. I like a challenge.”

Astarion captured her lips in a kiss. They pushed back against one another until he pushed her to the ground, trapping her under him. Her breath got hot, her body squirmed. Just when he was sure she’d beg for something more, Astarion stopped.

“Okay, I’m bored, time for bed.” Rowan whined as he hopped off of her and rolled over onto his bedroll. “Consider thisyour punishment.”

Rowan sighed in defeat. “Yes, Master.”

“Hmm. I like that.” Astarion rolled back over so he could kiss her once more. Much more seriously, he said, “If it’s not obvious; I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[carlos-in-glasses]

Fic Rec Friday Fun

Thank you for the tag @irispurpurea @reyesstrand @rosedavid @strandnreyes @iboatedhere @chicgeekgirl89 @catanisspicy - you're all so fantastic and I need to catch up on the ones in your lists I haven't read yet! A treat for me 🥰

So wanted to get some hiatus rec lists going and encourage some self promo in my friends so how about sharing your top fics no matter how big or small - give us the links to your wonderful words with the Most hits/Most kudos/Most comments/Most bookmarks /Most words/Least words

For me the above means it would only be split between two fics and then a third for least words, so I'm going for the next-most for comments and bookmarks.

Most Hits: When Soulmates Swim - Sparks and splashes fly when TK and Carlos each take up swimming while they recover from workplace injuries. I'm going to go ahead and say this is probably the funniest fic I've written based on feedback! There's angst of course but also TK and Carlos bring out each other's fun side and I'm so happy with it because of that.

Most Kudos: Chasers - A 3x13 coda. While TK is alone with Cooper, Carlos is alone with his thoughts. Both recall times they’ve chased the next high, other men, or each other. When Carlos arrives home, TK still has something important to say – and it's something he didn’t tell Cooper. I'm amazed and so grateful for the love on this one-shot. I loved delving into their backstories and featuring Alex who, fun fact, is based on my ex-boyfriend lol. Not me mining my most painful memories and emotions for content! ANYWAY this Cooper is in my current WIP so he'll be back soon...! Also Carlos goes for a swim and it's where the idea for the gym pool in When Soulmates Swim originated.

Most Comments: The Heart Behind the Shield - Bad Call (2x08) meets Abandoned (4x04) when TK and Carlos attempt to understand what they’ve been through and realize certain old wounds are bleeding into the new. They have both been held captive, faced death, made it home. Secrets, moods, hot messes – they love each other more every day. And they both still need their parents. I'd wanted to write a 2x08 coda for ages but couldn't figure out my angle until 4x04 came along with such blessed parallels. Like Chasers this also goes into backstory and I'm really happy with how those parts came out. Also just want to say that this has a particular scene between Carlos and Gabriel, which I'm very glad I wrote given what happens in 4x17.

Most Bookmarks: The Ruins of Wonderland - A divergence/re-imagining of Carlos and TK getting back together after their breakup. The severe winter storm doesn’t happen as forecast and Austin receives a manageable snowfall – without TK plunging into a frozen lake. Nancy’s 126 hang goes ahead. TK attends, but so does Carlos… This wasn't the first story I wrote/posted, but it's the first idea for a Tarlos fic I had and I have such a soft-spot for it. Important features: bed-breaking sex, slipper socks and a giant pretzel.

Most Words: When Soulmates Swim - 53k. The next is The Heart Behind the Shield at 34.4k. My longest one-shot is Man to Man at 14.6k.

Least Words: The Light of Our Life - 2.4k. After an awkward conversation, Carlos buys TK a bearded dragon and fears it may be a parting gift (Coda for 4x12). I took a long lunchbreak, wrote this, and posted it the same day. I've never done that before or since, and I honestly don't understand what happened to me...

I'm a little late for this so apologies if you've already done it and I haven't seen, but if not and you want to share, I'm tagging: @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @heartstringsduet @paperstorm @goodways @bonheur-cafe @lightningboltreader @chaotictarlos @theghostofashton @bubblesandroses8 @noxsoulmate @freneticfloetry @taralaurel @never-blooms @ladytessa74 @lemonlyman-dotcom ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜

[perverse-idyll]

Fic Stats Tag Game

Rules: Give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words.

Thank you @danpuff-ao3 and @likelightinglass for tagging me! I've got an hour to relax, and this is just about my speed at the moment: something fun but not demanding. (One hour, my arse. It took me three days!) Who else would enjoy doing this? @ac1d6urn, @ripeteeth, @squibstress, @yletylyf?

Most Hits

The White Road, Snarry, 48K. I knew the answer to this one without having to check. TWR is my most popular fic by every metric and the one most Snarry readers know me by, not to mention it's old enough now to be a high school sophomore (or possibly an A level student). I'm happy I somehow managed to pull off a nonlinear fic, plus I was so, so in love with the Snarry ship and all its possibilities, and I think that shines through. I let myself explore Lily's character and responded in fic to the way Snape's story ended; gave Lily and Severus one last chance to face some hard truths; and - well, no need to flog it, there are just a lot of scenes in this fic that make me clutch my heart to this day. And I let myself be a bit romantic about my OTP! With a happy ending and everything! (Okay, I'm always romantic about Snarry, but you can't always tell that from my fics.)

If you have any desire to hear me natter on with more Writerly Thoughts about this fic, I recorded an interview with ChaosBlue over here: Fanfic Maverick episode 25

Second Most Kudos

Soft Touch, Snarry, ~15K. This was a sleeper hit. I never expected it to be popular, and it's not a fic people love, exactly. But the combination of mindfucky unethical massage kink plus character study brought readers to the yard - although, really, I doubt it has much to do with the "character study" part. I'm going to cheat here and borrow a bookmarker's comment to describe it: "Very sensual almost eerily so. Actually somehow slightly creepy at times yet very seductive at others. A weird read." I like how they can't seem to make up their mind! Because, yeah, IMO the appeal lies in that uncomfortable overlap between sensuality and creepiness, and the touch-starved atmosphere that hangs over it all.

Third Most Comments

The Afterlight, Snarry, WIP, currently at 46K. This is one of three melodramatic and, yes, romantic Snarry WIPs on my plate - ridiculous amounts of whump and/or emotional turmoil, plus a triple whammy of overwrought happy endings (but only after I put them through hell). Apparently after the last 10 years of Life Shite, my fannish desires are all about shameless self-indulgence now. This one has a serial killer subplot that's giving me conniptions, but I'm in love with the ending so I need the fic to get all the way there. It also ponders, in a "one dark thread running through the whole work" sense, what it means to die and come back, and I'll just say that Snape experienced death very differently than Harry did. I suspect this fic has as many comments as it does because readers were kindly encouraging me to continue after years of me not posting very much. I'm currently finishing up a Snape/McGonagall fic, but The Afterlight is next on the menu. Fourth Most Bookmarks

Warm, Snarry, ~11K. Hah! My PWP made the list! It's also a character study of Snape and Harry with an established couple dynamic, but come on, those bookmarks aren't about the settled kind of domestic bliss. They're more about the "naked by the fireside fucking each other's brains out" bliss. I wrote this fic for a prompt and to help me scrape the rust off my creative wheels after several years of writer's block. In doing so, I found that porn without plot doesn't come naturally to me. Or established relationship, either. Where's the angst? I muttered constantly to myself about the paucity of sexy anatomical slang and the problems with pacing a fairly drama-free fic. (Solution? Don't write 10K words of PWP when 3K words will do.)

Fifth Most Words

The Blood of Stars, Snarry, WIP, ~44K. This is the fic that started my journey into the melodramatic & romantic combo, but it hasn't been updated since 2014 (aka The Worst Year of My Life). However, it's alive! I've picked it up again and have been scribbling and revising scenes in between working on three other fics. This was also the start of my So What If It's Messy and Imperfect phase, which is a challenge as a perfectionist but a necessity in my current circumstances if I presume to have delusions of ever finishing anything ever again. It's a challenge in another sense, too, since I committed myself to writing Harry's section in first-person POV, just to see if I can. (The jury's still out on that.) It's also got book-ended sections written in third-person Snape (an obscure and hard-to-master dialect)(kidding), and I'm not terribly confident writing from his POV, either. But the fic's got one of those can't-stay-away-from-each-other plots (I love these), and Harry being unfaithful to Ginny (yes, I know, don't send the OOC police after me). It's full of emotional flailing and obsession and beloved characters behaving badly and Snape coming to a tragic end - but wait! There's also Love after Death and Snape having meltdowns and in the end sort of getting everything he ever wanted. In case it isn't obvious, I am wallowing like a pig in mud. I love this fic. 🥰

Fic with the Least Words

Truce, Doctor Who, Twelve/Clara, a classic drabble of 100 words. This won't make sense to anyone who hasn't seen their series arc and the last encounter between them. It's a drop in the bucket of my undying love for them, but alas, my fealty has already been pledged to my endless Snapely WIPs. But Twelve and Clara deserve so much more than I'm able to give them.