#evernever

[wolfofansbach]

BEING A LIST OF THE THIRTEEN GREATEST RIVERDALE LINES, ON THE OCCASION OF THAT SHOW'S TERMINATION

As our much loved/hated show comes to an end, I feel compelled to record, for posterity, the greatest thirteen pieces of dialogue to spring from the pens of RAS and his henchmen. It was, of course, originally a top ten list, but I simply could not exclude a few of these treasures. Without further ado: 

13. 

“I dropped out in the 4th grade, to sell drugs, to support my nana.” 

“That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” 

Spoken by: an inmate of Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, and Archie Andrews. 

In: 3 x 2 

Yeah, okay, this one had to be on the list. It’s funny, I’ll admit. It’s a great example of the overwrought semi-sincere melodrama that helped make this show so special. It’s low on the list largely because The Normies got their hands on it, so every time I hear someone make a reference I get all “do not cite the deep magic to me, witch.” 

12. 

“No! No! What are we supposed to do now? I’m horny as heck!”

Spoken by: Archie Andrews 

In: 7 x 16

Season 7 is undeniably dreadful, and yet there are diamonds in the rough. The occasion is the failure of a projector, just as Archie and Reggie prepare to watch a pornographic film. The utter desperation with which KJ Apa delivers this line is exquisite. One is made to feel they are witnessing a genuine tragedy. 

11. 

“Tonight, they’re making an exception and debuting a cover of the song my parents claim they were listening to the night Jason and I were conceived.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom. 

In: 1 x 1 

Really a fantastic line. A wonderful encapsulation of the casual absurdity of Cheryl’s character, and a foretaste of the lunacy we would plumb in later episodes and seasons. 

10. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones

In: 1 x 10

A genuine classic. “High school football” before “high school football.” One is never entirely sure just how sincere the line is meant to be, both on a meta-level and in-universe. A perfect illumination of Jughead’s pretentiousness. It is made all the better by the occasional cuts to Lili Reinhard’s agonized face. 

9. 

“At the last dance, multiple students were murdered.” 

Spoken by: Principal Holden Honey. 

In: 4 x 2

Delivered as an explanation to Toni and Cheryl, as to why there would be no school dance this year. Principal Honey is in fact supremely rational in the cancellation of this dance. This being Riverdale, he is of course treated as an unreasonable tyrant. 

8. 

“Bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.” 

Spoken by: Archie Andrews (evil version)

In: 6 x 5 

Spoken as evil Archie reveals his evil plan to keep the parallel universes apart. KJ Apa’s delivery once again makes this line. He is comically sinister. Strangely, he sells it. 

7. 

“A Vughead kiss, right now, in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead from imploding.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones. 

In: 2 x 14

One of those lines that both makes me laugh and makes me genuinely angry. This was a fairly early season, and this may have actually been the first line to get me asking, ‘did they genuinely write and deliver that?’ Extra points for use of the atrocious ‘Vughead’ portmanteau ship name rather than ‘Jeronica.’ 

6. 

“I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho bitch.” 

Spoken by: Betty Cooper

In: 4 x 14 

Just delicious. Another one of those lines that leaves you somewhat unsure whether or not the writers understood how genuinely hysterical it was. “The Nightmare from Next Door” sounds like an announcer hyping up a wrestler. Spoken with a raw sincerity by Lili Reinhart. Also points for the heavy homoeroticism between Betty and Donna. 

5. 

“For I am Cheryl Blossom, Queen of the Bees.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.

In: 5 x 16. 

This one really doesn’t require any elaboration. 

4. 

“Elijah ascended…and I will, too.” 

Spoken by: Edgar Evernever.

In: 4 x 5. 

Admittedly, this one is only spectacular with context. But in context—the context being that Chad Michael Murray delivers this line while dressed like Evel Knievel and standing in a cartoon rocket right out of a Warner Bros cartoon—it becomes utterly magnificent. 

3. 

“It’s not queer baiting, it’s saving the world.” 

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 6 x 22. 

It’s actually hard for me to decide whether this one is funnier with or without context. Without context it’s wonderful, but it possibly becomes even funnier when you know that the context is that Veronica needs to kiss Cheryl to transfer superpowers into her body so she can turn into a Scarlet Witch knock-off and stop a magic comet summoned by Sephiroth an English wizard who is also the Devil. 

2. 

“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.” 

Spoken by: Kevin Keller. 

In: 3 x 12.

One of my personal favorites. This is a perfect line because like #3, it requires no real elaboration. There is absolutely no context in which it isn’t hysterical. 

1 .

“Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest, their ‘princes,’ as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys.

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 2 x 20. 

This is, in my opinion, the all-timer. Every word is perfect. The rapid-fire alliteration. The use of the word ‘demimonde.’ The entirely unnecessary addition of ‘as it were.’ This is borderline Dr. Seuss. The fact that Camila Mendes delivered it without cracking a smile should have won her an Emmy. No. An Oscar. This line is Riverdale. 

[simon-eriksson]

RIVERDALE: 7.15 | Miss Teen Riverdale

Costume designer: Rebekka Sorensen-Kjelstrup

[chonicentral]

RIVERDALE — 7.15 “Miss Teen Riverdale”

[riverdaleladiesdaily]

Riverdale | 7.15

[cinemapix]

RIVERDALE (2017 - 2023) Season 7, Episode 13: The Crucible

[fadeintoyou1993]

RIVERDALE | 7.15

[whitegownsandflowercrowns]

My Faves As Preacher’s Daughter

Family Tree (Intro) - Helaena Targaryen

Jesus can always reject his father/But he cannot escape his mother’s blood/He’ll scream and try to wash it off of his fingers/But he’ll never escape what he’s made up of/The fates already fucked me sideways/Swinging by my neck from the family tree

American Teenager - Luna Lovegood

Grew up under yellow light on the street/Putting too much faith in the make believe/And another high school football team/[…]/And I feel it there/In the middle of the night/When the lights go out/And I’m all alone out here/Say what you want/But say it like you mean it with your fists for once/A long Cold War with your kids at the front/Just give it one more day then you’re done, done/I do what I want/[…]/I’m doing what I want and damn I’m doing it well/For me

A House In Nebraska - Shosanna Dreyfus

You and me against the world/You were my man and I your girl/We had nothing except each other/You were my whole world/[…]/And I still call home/That house in Nebraska/[…]/And you might never come back home/And I might never sleep at night/But God I just hope that you’re out there somewhere/I just pray that you’re all right/And I feel so alone/And I feel so alone out here

Western Nights - Evelyn Evernever

I’d hold the gun/If you asked me to/But if you love me like you say you do/Would you ask me to?/[…]/Trouble’s always gonna find you baby/But so will I/[…]/I’m never gonna leave you baby/Even if you lose what’s left of your mind/Cause you know I’ll be right there beside you/Riding through all these Western nights

Family Tree - Peter Gordon

These crosses all over my body/Remind me of who I used to be/Give myself up to him in offering/[…]/I’m just a child but I’m not above violence/My mama raised me better than that/[…]/So take me down to the river/And bathe me clean/[…]/I’ve killed before, and I’ll kill again/Take the noose off, wrap it tight around my hand/[…]/And Christ, forgive these bones I’ve been hiding/Oh, and the bones I’m about to leave

Hard Times - Laura Palmer

Tell me a story about how it ends/Where you’re still the good guy, I’ll make pretend/Cause I hate this story/Where happiness ends and dies with you/I thought good guys get to be happy/I’m not happy/I am poison in the water and unhappy/Little girl who needs her daddy real bad

Thoroughfare - Mantis

I met you there in Texas somewhere on the thoroughfare/On the side of the road in some torn up clothes with a pistol in my pocket/I didn’t trust no one, but you said “baby don’t run, I’ll take you anywhere”/So I hopped right in, outta luck to spend, and at least your truck beats walking/And you said “hey, do you wanna see the west with me?”/[…]/But in these motel rooms I started to see you differently/Cause for the first time since I was a child/I could see a man who wasn’t angry

Gibson Girl - Georgina Sparks

He’s cold blooded so it takes more time to bleed/Obsession with the money, addicted to the drugs/[…]/“Baby if it feels good/Then it can’t be bad”/And if you want it good/Downright iconic

Ptolemaea - Max Mayfield

I followed you in and I was with you there/I invited you in twice, I did/[…]/Suffer does the wolf, crawling to thee/Promising a big fire, any fire/Saying I’m the one, he’s gonna take me/I’m on fire, I’m on fire, I’m on fire/Suffering is nigh, drawing to me/Calling me the one, I’m the white light/Beautiful, finite/Even the iron still fear the rot/Hiding from something I cannot stop/Walking on shadows I can’t lead him back/Buckled on the floor when night comes along/Daddy’s left and Momma won’t come home/You poor thing/Sweet mouring lamb/There’s nothing you can do/It’s already been done/What fear a man like you brings upon a woman like me/Please don’t look at me/[…]/Stop, stop, stop, make it stop/[…]/Blessed be the children/Each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence

August Underground - India Stoker

Televangelism - Beth March

Sun Bleached Flies - Laura Lee

What I wouldn’t give to be in church this Sunday/Listening to the choir so heartfelt all singing/“God loves you, but not enough to save you”/So baby girl good luck taking care of yourself/[…]/And I just prayed/And I keep praying, and praying and praying/If it’s meant to be, then it will be

Strangers - Cassie Ainsworth

Thinking back to what I was always told/“Don’t talk to strangers or you might fall in love”/[…]/I tried to be good/Am I no good? Am I no good? Am I no good?/With my memory restricted to a Polaroid in evidence/I just wanted to be yours/Can I be yours? Can I be yours? Just tell me I’m yours/[…]/Don’t think about it too hard or you’ll never sleep a wink at night again/Don’t worry bout me and these green eyes

[riverdale-retread]

recast edgar evernever for fun

The other Sprouse. Whats his name. Dylan. That one.

NO HEAR ME OUT, because it would be extremely funny if both Polly and Alice become as obsessed with a tanned blonde that looks just like Jughead, especially because practically the only time Polly and Jughead are in the same room is when she's imprisoned at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy and he's being pressed to the wall one handed by a burly guard, and Edgar and Jughead never ever meet. It would be even better if the show just never addressed it, in any way, because Lili R would act the shit out of Betty recognizing that this is yet another blonde lost son of FP that is probably a twin to Jughead but never saying anything because not even the people who saw Jughead daily in school - Cheryl, Toni, Kevin, Fangs - seem to make that recognition. Who's with me? *

*probably no one.

In the alternative, I would have liked to see an almost no-name theater actor who specializes in playing, like, Father Christmas and other friendly, elderly paternal figures, but with charisma leached out, for realism. The actual heads of cults are really a bizarre mystery because the people who fall under their sway say how awesome and awe inspiring they are, but the photographic evidence always shows someone much less attractive and interesting looking than the actual followers.

[emobarn]

I hope Evelyn Evernever is still a 30 year old anemic pretending to be a high school student in 50sdale just because

[liege-of-the-bees]

I find it so funny the fact that for some fucking reason, of all the characters, they brought back Evelyn Evernever.

Like, are they gonna bring up the fact that she's like 30 and has been in High School for a decade? That she's posing as the daughter of her cult-leader husband? Is that how they're gonna avoid her outing Choni? By just blackmailing her? I'm genuinely so fascinated.

[keyh0use]

If I listed every villain this poll would have 30 options but I'm tryna see something

[jugheads-choni]

My Top 10 Riverdale Music Numbers

3.Beautiful

Sung by Casey Cott, Madelaine Petsch, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, KJ Apa, Bernadette Beck, Ashleigh Murray, Cole Sprouse, & Charles Melton

—————

And you know, you know, you know

Life can be beautiful

You hope, you dream you pray

And you get your way

Ask me how it feels

Looking like hell on wheels

My God, it's beautiful

I might be beautiful

And when you're beautiful

It's a beautiful fricking day

[srijellyfishtempura]

WHY IS THE VILLAINS NAME FUCKING "EVERNEVER" THATS SUCH A FUCKING COMICAL NAME

[theafictionados]

Every Afictionados Best Line Award (Brittany)

Riverdale Episode 715: Miss Teen Riverdale by the Afictionados Podcast Network

[editfandom]

Evelyn Evernever - Riverdale, S07E13

[thatrainylife]

i wonder if anyone remembers the old sge site where you made your own account with these silly little avatars and there were a bunch of forums you could join, and omg there was this cool thing where you went around the site looking for hidden SGE logos and clicking on them. it sucks the new site removed those features :/ maybe i'm just nostalgic for it, because i used to go on that site allll the time lol

broo i remember all the theories people used to talk about omg i miss that era