#even with the identity crisis shit
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I really enjoyed the whole season except for how egregiously they handled Hughie being sexually assaulted multiple times, how they handled that shit really annoyed me. Eric Kripke responded to an interviewer saying “we view it as hilarious” about the Tek Knight dungeon stuff. I got really anxious during the episode and looked up spoilers beforehand cause I just had a bad feeling. I ended up skipping a lot of the scenes, it would’ve annoyed me more than triggered me to watch them honestly.
I hate when people pull the “it’s satire” card when someone criticizes a show making shitty jokes, like yes it’s a satirical shocking show but it’s had many scenes, in this season alone, that treated trauma seriously. Like when women get assaulted it’s taken as the serious subject it is. But when it happens to Hughie it’s a big joke. I mean not even just with Tek Knight.
With the shapeshifter Annie got mad at Hughie for having sex with them??? Instead of being like oh my god you were having sex with someone you thought was me but wasn’t me which is rape, are you okay??? I should really care about how that’s affecting you mentally since you just got sexually traumatized a few days ago and now it’s happened again and you’re someone I love.
But no they make her just an angry jealous girlfriend and he gets treated like he’s a shitty boyfriend for GETTING RAPED. And he even says the shapeshifter initiated most of the times. I mean like this aspect of this season is just ridiculous, I wasn’t this mad about it until I thought more about it.
Everyone else gets multiple scenes of trying to work through their trauma but Hughie doesn’t get a second to think about getting assaulted multiple times within a few weeks.
For such a left leaning show that constantly makes fun of fake progressive-ism that move was really fucking ironic.
#the boys spoilers#hughie campbell#boy deserves better#and Annie deserves better writing than that#like no way she would be that cruel to him??#even with the identity crisis shit#considering her own history with that#rant
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“Nightwing and Starfire brought wave two. Which is just about everyone who’s ever been a titan. It’s a natural thing when Nightwing shows up. None of us are conscious of it really but we all look to him for orders. He basically founded the team, lead them for years. Robins lucky he’s got an older brother type he can relate to.”
Dick leads the charge against Dr. Light (Teen Titans Vol.3 #23)
#identity crisis#conner kent#Wally west#Tim and dick#dick Grayson#dick and titans#leader dick#competent dick#WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE FUCKING CROSSOVERS#WHY CANT HE JUST BE LIKE THAT I. HIS OWN SHIT#dear writers#even if a trait has been well established in the past#if you want it to be a trait still considered part of your version of him#you need to actually include it instead of relying on past stories to communicate that it’s there#why?#because you mfs change so much shit I don’t know what he’s supposed to be#an actual asshole who’s more like Bruce by the day?#a traumatized and grieving hero doing his best and is wary of losing more people?#do those leadership skills still exist in ur version of the character?#show me!!!!#like This!!!#dc
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Just full of ✨ Thoughts ✨ over the development and progress from when you start the game to when you finish on how P/Carlo just evolves, and kinda just thinking on some internal stuff on how I would like to write him.
How you start and he's just P, he doesn't know his purpose, he just knows he's being called somewhere. Lost, alone, faced with peril and made to fight when he hasn't even stepped out of his "birth place". He wakes up and he's just handed a sword. And he fights. At the start he's very much this empty slate; A newborn stumbling through Krat, and despite the man who calls himself himself father saying stuff like "Krat isn't how you remember it--" He really doesn't 'remember' anything at all. What is there to 'remember', he wonders?
And then he starts to get the memories-- they're not his but also... they are? They feel so close and yet so far away; Foreign and yet familiar. And then he hears a name whispered: Carlo-- and his whole world shifts right from under him. He feels sick, the name makes his head spin. The voice to have said it makes his head spin all the more. And bit by bit. He remembers. Not all of it, but... he remembers enough.
And he's hurt by what he remembers.
But by the end of it, after he claims his own freedom, after everything is resolved, and he returns to the hotel, he doesn't feel fully like Carlo-- doesn't feel at all like "P", either. He woke up not too long ago, and suddenly his life is flipped in its entirety. He's neither, and yet he's both. He doesn't know who he is anymore, but the name sticks. It's all he has left, even if a part of him feels some strange form of imposter syndrome, somewhere deep down... But he doesn't like being referred to as Geppetto's Puppet, either. He's not a puppet, not anymore. He's human, albeit, a different kind of human.
So just Carlo, is fine with him, even if he's changed far beyond of who-- and what-- Carlo was.
'--an Ergo puppet can have a second life and become another kind of human--' He just needed now to decide just what that second life meant for him, now.
#Lies of P#Lies of P Spoilers#Just digging deep while dumping all my thoughts into a word document but also kinda#thinking on how... I want to portray him? How I saw him through my playthroughs of the game.#Sophia in her letter at the end specifically mentions:#“The fact that an Ergo puppet can have a second life and become another kind of human requires more time for people to find out about it.”#And while she's probably referring to herself? Aren't we too referred to as such by Giangio/Paracelsus?#So by extension... yeah. Second life. But by this point Carlo doesn't even feel like 'Carlo'#It's like waking up one morning as one person and then suddenly getting slammed with memories of your past life#and going 'well shit now who am I' because literally just this morning you were 500% convinced you were someone else#Hurray for identity crisis!! Even if lowkey! He just goes on and does his best c':
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SOLA — Her Innocence, Sola— the anti-innocence— turns to face you. In the distance, you hear the tattoo of propellers, turning, sucking all the air. A strong wind whips her long, dark hair around her face. Her simple black gown billows behind her. The same gown she wore the day she resigned.
She has your eyes.
“Hi, Kim,” she says simply. “You don’t look well.”
PAIN THRESHOLD — Her voice is so familiar, and yet the moment she stops speaking, you cannot recall its sound, no matter how hard you try. And you have tried. Innumerable times.
AUTHORITY — What makes her think she would even *know* the difference between you looking well or unwell? She’s being presumptuous. She doesn’t even know you.
INLAND EMPIRE — She never will.
“I’m doing great, actually. Never been better.”
“Hey, I’m trying my best.”
“I’m *not* well. I’m so fucking unwell. I can’t take it anymore. Please, help me…”
“I’ll live.”
SOLA — “Hm…” She smiles apologetically. “Well, that’s all we can really ask for anymore, isn’t it?”
EMPATHY — She wishes more than anything that this was not the case. That you could ask for the world and have it.
RHETORIC — She tried to give it to you, and this is how you repay her? You’re gonna be in *deep* shit trying to explain that insignia you stitched onto her jacket.
“Um, about the jacket. It’s not what it… well, no, it *is* what it looks like. But I don’t— it’s— there’s nuance.”
“Is that really all you have to say to me?”
“I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Where are you going?”
SOLA — Her Innocence looks away from you, toward the wind. “Away,” she says, her voice distant and strange. “Yes… I’m stepping down, you see. The world doesn’t need me. It never needed me, really. It’s best for humanity to think for itself. No… it already *does* think for itself.”
She turns back to you with a small smile. The thought brings her peace.
PAIN THRESHOLD — But what does it bring *you?* She’s leaving you forever. Abandoning you for lofty ideals.
AUTHORITY — Let her go. Let her see how little you care. Don’t give her any satisfaction.
HALF LIGHT — Stop her. You won’t be able to live without her.
VOLITION — You have already lived almost all your life without her. You don’t need her. You have *never* needed her.
“What if the world *does* need you? Who are you to make that decision for the entire world?”
“Fine. Go. It’s none of my business.”
“So you’re just going to leave me behind again.”
“Please, don’t go. *I* need you.”
SOLA — “What else is an Innocence appointed to do?” Her smile turns wry. “You see? This is why I’m stepping down.”
Distant propellers turn and turn in endless circles. She glances toward them.
YOU — “Fine. Go. It’s none of my business.”
SOLA — “I suppose not.” Her voice and her face betray nothing. No sign of remorse.
YOU — “So you’re just going to leave me behind again.”
SOLA — “That was never my intention,” she says softly. “Surely you know that.”
INLAND EMPIRE — You will never truly know. No one will.
SOLA — She stares out at the horizon through the tendrils of hair that almost seem to threaten to swallow her. Her expression is strange and ambiguous, shifting every time you try and look directly at it.
YOU — “Please, don’t go. *I* need you.”
SOLA — She looks at you, and her eyes are full of what might be genuine sadness. But they could also be full of anything else.
“Oh, Kim… You must make do with what you have. I don’t know what else you want me to say…”
RHETORIC — What?! There are a million other things she could say! Forty-one years worth of possibilities! She could say *anything!* Anything at all… Even if she’d only left you a single word, it would be better than this…
VOLITION — It’s pointless to wish. Please, no more of this. It’s too sad.
“You could say that you’re sorry.”
“Say that I turned out all right.”
“Say that you’re proud of me. That you love me.”
SOLA — “Then I’m sorry.” She closes her eyes. “It was terrible of us to leave you alone.”
Her voice is utterly calm and emotionless.
PAIN THRESHOLD — No… Wrong, all wrong…
YOU — “Say that I turned out all right.”
SOLA — “You’re a good man despite it all. That is all I ever hoped for you.”
Again, there is no warmth to her words. No conviction.
VOLITION — Lieutenant… Please, don’t do this to yourself.
YOU — “Say that you’re proud of me. That you love me.”
SOLA — “I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished. You wear that jacket well.”
Her eyes have nothing behind them. A pair of two millimeter holes in the world.
“I love you.”
PAIN THRESHOLD — Your lungs seem to constrict at her words. Your chest hurts more than it’s ever hurt. This wind is hard to breathe in.
YOU — “No! Don’t you fucking get it?! You don’t love me!”
SOLA — “Then I don’t love you.”
YOU — “You should be *ashamed* of me!”
SOLA — “Then I am ashamed.”
YOU — “I betrayed you! I betrayed everything you stood for! I’m a fucking cop!”
SOLA — “Then I am betrayed.”
She proclaims it as dispassionately as she proclaimed her love.
YOU — “For god’s sake, *say something real!*”
SOLA — She just looks at you. The propellers keep on turning.
DRAMA — She can’t speak for herself, sire…
LOGIC — Of course she can’t. Of course…
PAIN THRESHOLD — Your lungs feel like they could collapse. Empty, crumpled, dark. Hot tears prick your eyes for the first time in what feels like a long time.
SOLA — “Do you understand now?” she asks gently.
LOGIC — She cannot speak for herself because you do not know what she would say.
There are many memories that you have been slowly recovering, little by little. Your mother will never be one of them. Her, the revolution, the aerostatic brigade— they all died before you could even comprehend loss.
AUTHORITY — You did not become a detective so that you could find your lost mother. You became a police officer because you did not want to end up like her.
VOLITION — She can neither forgive you, nor condemn you. She is dead, Lieutenant. She can only be what you make her.
RHETORIC — You’re asking your own echo for answers…
SOLA — “Humanity must think for itself,” she says again, turning again toward the wind. “What point is there in asking me where to go from here? I’m a failure. We all failed…”
RHETORIC — The revolutionaries failed their children, and the children are failing their parents, and all of them are dying, dying, dead… What’s the point in any of this anymore? I cannot argue in favor of any of it.
VOLITION — There is a point. There is a way forward. But you won’t find it here, Lieutenant.
“I hate you. You made me everything I am and then you just *left.*”
“I miss you… How is it even possible to miss someone you never met? It’s like someone ripped a part of me out and all I can do is bleed.”
“I don’t know what I am. I need you to tell me what I am.”
SOLA — One last time, she turns back to you. She slowly bridges the gap between you and reaches out a hand to cup your cheek. Her fingers feel like your own.
“You are whatever kind of animal you choose to be,” she says, so quietly that you don’t know how you can hear it over the distant roar of engines. “I cannot make that choice for you.”
EMPATHY — She died hoping that you would grow up with the freedom to choose to be whatever you wanted. Instead, the world that raised you hardly let you dare to want anything.
VOLITION — But you can still make a choice. Humanity can still think for itself.
#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#swap au#should i tag sola? i kinda doubt i’ll ever need to use that tag again LMAO#anyway um. yeah.#tbh as fun as the swap au stuff is i wasn’t all that interested in it until my brain was like. SWAP DREAM SEQUENCE#and now suddenly i have like. lore for swap kim.#his breakdown isn’t bc of a breakup it’s over a crisis of identity#at first when he wakes up and starts inspecting stuff like his jacket and his notes#he starts finding out things abt his mother (a revolutionary aerostatic pilot who died and passed down the jacket to him)#and at first he’s like ohh i see im investigating her disappearance!#but he’s not. she’s dead. she died when the moralintern crushed the commune#kim grew up resenting both his parents for dying in a failed revolution#leaving him to grow up alone as a gay disabled seolite orphan#he became a cop and drank the moralist koolaid bc he didn’t want to be like his parents#and also bc he wanted to not be so powerless (and to be able to take shit out on other ppl just like canon kim)#but also just like in canon his experience in the rcm was just more of the same shit#he felt constantly humiliated and like a hypocrite and just compartmentalized hardcore#then he came to martinaise and saw the scars of the failed revolution and finally just snapped and broke down#he doesn’t even know what kind of animal he is other than he doesn’t want to be it anymore#so he pulls harry’s epic mind wipe binge and etc etc#anyway. coughs
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Sometimes I sit down to think about the true ramifications of how / what the Fizz Bots are to Fizzarolli,
Imagine robotic clones ( sexual, at that ) being made of you and they are not only modeled after you in physical appearance, but have a likeness to your personality, mannerisms and general demeanor. Imagine they say the things you would, possibly act in the same way you would.
What's worse, is that they're made in your likeness in real time; their production / manufacturing ages along with you,
Imagine you SEE these things being assaulted, used & abused in public; these clones take it all with a smile. Soulless, mindless... But as if that's not enough, then realizing that they may just have sentience. Or at least, they give off the impression they do. And on top of ALL that... they have chunks of your memories, your past; they're you, but at the same time, they aren't,
What do you do with that information? How do you treat them ( yourself? )? What's the end game?
#ㅤ good morning & welcome to Kraehe's 4AM brain; i love Kitty with my heart & soul but FUCK this shit is creepy#ㅤ i don't envy Fizz - not one bit. it's interesting to think about all this because it makes you wonder if her individuality / sentience-#ㅤ -even matters. she KNOWS it doesn't ( it's logical ) & it's not like she has an identity crisis about who / what she's supposed to be#ㅤ but FUCK man it's creepy creepy creepy still! & i'm always eager to explore that; i love Kitty but she's OFF PUTTING. they all are!#ㅤ the little sentience we see is obviously a gag & mainly played for laughs ( i'm sure the masses WANT them to appear like they suffer )#ㅤ but it still makes you think & wonder. anyway - like i said i love Kitty but I definitely do not shy away on the fact of what she is.#ㅤ she's SUPPOSED to make Fizz ( and others but mainly him ) uncomfortable; she's strange & off putting & ( one could even argue ) a-#ㅤ -bastardization of Fizz himself. giving her a different color palette and a lady's voice doesn't change shit...#ㅤ Fizz is NOT obligated nor should he see these things as real; they aren't WHICH IS WHY his views on the Fizz bots as a whole makes#ㅤ -it so fucking interesting for me to consider when writing out interactions Kitty! it's so fucking fun...#⠀﹙ ➛ 𝐊𝟕𝐓𝐓𝐈.𝐄𝐗𝐄 ﹚⠀:⠀ㅤmoderator 🎀 me tome un selfie,#⠀﹙ ➛ 𝐊𝟕𝐓𝐓𝐈.𝐄𝐗𝐄 ﹚⠀:⠀ㅤheadcanons 🎀 chuck a cupcake,
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gender, amiright?
#sorry not sorry for vagueposting about my gender this week#low key going through it but we persist#not so much having a crisis about my actual identity as i am having a crisis about how my presentation is perceived by the masses#also pronouns. just. what if i tried adding new ones?#idk people wouldn't use them anyway so like what even is the point#vent#gender shit#(again)#personal
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Remember when the whole ordeal with s2 was that Ed was so heartbroken that Stede left him that he tried to get himself and the whole crew killed and then they got reunited within like 2 episodes and never spoke about anything of interest together and then that same Ed decided to ditch Stede after a couple of days because he wanted to catch fishes and that lasted half an episode before they got reunited again and the show ended on them leaving everyone to live in a simultaneously doomed to fail/happy ending inn and everyone was like wow good writing I can’t believe this could get canceled $10k billboard in times square
#I want to scream thinking about it#amongst other stupid writing choices regarding story and characters#the timeline is so fucked and I’ve only seen the season once ok don’t come at me with buhhh it was that long because idc#can’t believe you all hated Izzy in s1 for thinking that Ed was having another identity crisis when he literally behaves like this in canon#ofmd critical#not to sound like I’m only shitting on Ed because wtf was stedes deal also#not even gonna tell Ed what happened and why you didn’t come back at the end of s1#like they didn’t talk this season besides saying cliché ass romantic dialogue to each other#remember guys they’re a couple :)) and they kiss and say nice things to each other :))#cool do they have literally anything else going for them this season or#might turn on reblogs later i just wanted to rant in private for now jgjsjfn#honestly dont remember how much the board cost but ik it was a lot#i mustve blocked it out of my mind
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i'm SO down bad for durge/wyll where they both are each other's support through trying to be more than their patron's pet
#bat plays bg3#wyll#durge#i uh may make a durge just for him bc#i have a LOT of feelings about durge who#was the WORST person ever#then after being lobotomized comes back trying to be the goodest boi#and falls in love with wyll and karlach bc ot3#but durge who is a people pleaser#and trying to figure out if they're actually good or just trying to be what will keep wyll around#it's the former but#identity crisis is just so fun to think about#and then wyll who cannot see the worst in durge#even when it's laid out in front of him#and like durge very viciously going after mizora for him#and who often asks wyll abt his dad and how he wants that reunion to go#and when it happens just#quietly watching w hackles raised making sure it happens the way wyll wants it to#they're ulder's worst nightmare#bc even though they are the goodest they can still be VERY duplicitous#they would start petty squabbles and enjoy the drama with a little giggle#like that cult leader charisma would come in clutch dealing w high society#and i could see a good resist durge doing petty manipulative shit so those gatherings would be entertaining when they're necessary to atten#bc after coming back from the hells with karlach fixed#i imagine wyll and durge would visit ulder regularly between whatever heroic shit they're off doing with mama k
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really longwinded fuckass trans oc essay
despite being trans myself i don't really think any of my trans characters actually satisfyingly explore the trans experience to me, which is fine because a trans character can just Exist, but also i do wish i had more characters who's lives and identities are affected by being trans. because my experience so far is that being transgender has affected me in a way where i feel proud to wear the label on my lapel because i've come this far. but i find that in most of my trans ocs' stories, being transgender is either a: destigmatized and/or b: not a problem (hormones and medical transition readily available, taken care of). there's that line between "do i really want to write transphobia into a world where everyone can just be happy?" and "i want a character that's had one of the genuine modern trans experiences" (i say one of and not "the" because there is no The Trans Experience).
then theres project moon world. where gender is and isn't important because gendered bodies and traits do exist, it's literally just the names that are subverted. but (at least as far as i personally know, i dont know anything beyond lobcorp, half of ruina, and everything up to like the lab half of yi sang's canto) we don't actually see or hear any discussion of gender or gender issues, or anything implying that a gender inequality or trans people even exist. which is fine i guess. not the main focus when people are turning into giant monsters and killing each other with giant swords. but it makes it hard to picture any sort of modern experience and relationship with gender in that world that'd match up with anything we relate to. body modification is a commodity and normalized there. you can get surgery to transfer your body into a robot body as long as your brain is intact. you can replace your head now. top and bottom surgery is ancient news, that's just normal. you can replace your head with a triangle now. do people still come out of the closet? does gender even come into play with sexuality anymore? does anyone give a fuck when people are turning into monsters and shit? it sounds like a nice world, where you don't have to constantly be on defense because someone might kill you for being a little too queer, but it also makes it really hard to visualize anything you can relate to without it seeming a little old-fashioned or silly for it to even exist
in my salem world buggy / skuggy being trans was me slapping it on them because i was trans and i wanted to connect with my ocs. i honestly havent revisited them in a while so i forgot a lot but i tried to work it into their stories but mostly ended up thinking longer on it for skuggy as kind of just him crawling out of a bad home situation and him being able to transition finally being his foot down on earth away from that old life. like shedding a shell into a new one. yeah things still suck and i'm heading for a town that's going to kill me, but i finally am on t and i can start saving up for top surgery. but after that point in his life it fades to the background and it's just normal. i think my salem folks are the closest ill get to being able to explore a genuine transgender experience
farrow is weird because the entirety of his life he's been kind of accustomed to playing this certain role and sticking with it, and losing himself in the tough guy facade of uncaring manipulative loner that he just becomes it and doesn't see another way until he's literally killed for being a prick and reduced to a speck that can't hold that facade anymore after being put into his place. as a child he was androgynous and didn't care about it but was still a boy. but the moment he's forced to stop revolving his life around the sole purpose of survival (in fact probably now the opposite) and has to be forced to face what actually lies beneath that facade he's implanted into himself , that nonbinary elephant in the room suddenly gets very very big and loud and he's forced to stare it straight down. i explored his very disorienting confused tiptoes into gender expression and identity mostly in private because i got shy being anything less than funniejokes about my ocs, but it was really just "i think i might be nonbinary but i have a job so i cant think abt that rn" "oh shit im unemployed im fighting these fucking demons" "why did being called this term awaken something in me" "oh god help me". i think i explored and pushed it the absolute most in band au where it's the most similar to modern day reality and just got to make him a little thing. but it's kind of the same thing where while i did get to explore his gender presentation and his thoughts on it and how other people close to him reacted to it or affirm it it i don't ttthink it has a lot of bearing on his character. which is fine i guess. i dont know how i feel about characters who's entire basis is being trans. but i guess that is literally just how it is irl being a stigmatized group you are just Defined by it bc it affects Everything In Your Gd Life. idk where im going with this
idk the thing that prompted this is just thinking about my lobcorp ocs because it is so. HARD. to relate to any of their trans experiences or write anything resembling a modern trans experience with them. they live in a hyperdeveloped future, why Wouldn't they have access to hrt and gender affirming surgeries. why Would it have any bearing on them what gender they are, they have to go die in a Nest or smtng tomorrow. i think a lot about eva and griffin and even like myukeu or roger/mags. i'm trying to go back and think about how it might've been for eva growing up but the most i can think is that he probably just stayed in the closet until he built up the courage and his parents were just "oh okay cool i guess. maybe you wont be limited by the glass ceiling now. finish your damn homework" like just such a anticlimatic end. (but even that response implies any sort of gender imbalance or acknowledgement of gender in this world and honestly, with all the women taking leadership and even mastermind roles in this world there is no way that's anything close to canon. also i dont want to write in fuckin misogyny. but thats the thing in a modern au His Parents Would Fucking THink Like That his identity gender and all takes a backseat to his Purpose. but its hard to write that when Everyone Is Just Like That with gender). like yeah i can write this character juggling work and arranging pharmacy prescriptions and fitting in a daily t shot into his routine and having to recover after top surgery but once he's socially transitioned even if he doesn't pass it doesn't have a bearing or effect on him because It Doesn't Matter Here You're An Employee All The Same. his identity is an afterthought in the corporation. the only time it comes up is when he befriends other trans people and has that "oh hey" feeling of solidarity or when years down the line he's getting freaky with julian and has to explain no an abnormality did not scar me those are surgery scars. im trans. and then it's fine
idk this is a very looseform ramble because in the end i don't know what my actual thoughts are. i guess i yearn for just a mundane trans experience. which is why i'm so drawn to band au / modern aus of any kind because it lets me write these people being Very Mundane Normal People. sure writing them in doomed time loops and turning into giant monsters and harnessing powers beyond comprehension is fun but also i really like writing mundane shit even if its boring to read. why do you think i spamdraw post-lobcorp so much. theyre normal. anyways time to brainrot more over band au than the actual canon
also if there have been any mentions/discussions of gender in projmoon games i would 100% be down to read an analysis or whatever. this isnt a projmoon haterpost believe it or not it's just me thrashing within the nonexistent box i've put myself in.
i like mundane modern trans characters. i like trans characters that look like people i would meet irl and just Exist the way we do irl. i dont care if there is no transphobia in the world i just need to see them being mildly inconvenienced by having to do advanced aerobics to take off their binder or experience gender euphoria after wearing a tank top and jeans. i wanna see them having a sleepover and getting their nails painted for the first time and just going "oh my god i can actually be pretty thats just something i can do". idk. i think i just want to write more trans joy into my stories it's just hard when there's a more prevalent ongoing plot going on (hell timeloop and melting away of identity)
#genuinely think farrow is like. the oc ive put the most Genuine Gender Thoughts into since like. dixie from opaldew. insane#skuggy and buggys gender doesn't really stand out as much to them or isnt really a source of experimentation and expression after they've#settled into their own skin i guess. they celebrate pride and do find community but it's more like Yea im trans whateva. woohoo#while farrow is just constantly fucking with it. constantly learning more shit about himself. dying his hair a different color 20 times#gender is a playground to that guy. its more like skugbug's case in like. his dnd world i guess#but even then in his 80's campaign half his plot involves an identity crisis where he realizes he cant keep pretending to be the cool#cishet jock of his dreams because thats just not who he is lol#idk. fucked up. i found a lot of joy just drawing band au eva and griffin chilling together after syncing their hrt day together#also for a long time i strayed away from drawing them pre-transition but honestly its healing.#i don't like referring to my pre-transition self as dead or anything she's still a part of me and i was her. so the feeling transfers#idk tl;dr ooga booga transgender experiences important to me. thank u trans people for having trans ocs
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do people with adhd have special interests? do we do that? cause i’ve been in my free willy shark week marine biology era for a solid decade now and like shit has not changed.
#ik i say i have audhd. and my therapist and i definitely think i do.#but my psychiatrist won’t diagnose me bc i am a woman and apparently this is still the 90s ig#so idk lately i’ve been having an identity crisis and being like… do i even have it??? if i can’t get a diagnosis??#like yeah this specific psychiatrist won’t diagnose me but i’ve been to other psychiatrists in the past??#so like if i had it wouldn’t they have caught it??#and like yeah my cousin has it but who knows he could’ve gotten that from his dad’s side of the family not his mom’s (my aunts)#idk big crisis over here#it’s also been like months since i last saw my therapist which is just not good…#but yeah idk if i have autism? and now i feel like shit for essentially diagnosing myself as being audhd based on like nothing#so now i’m just trying to see if all this shit that i thought was maybe autism is actually just my adhd or ocd#or just like a fun non-disordered quirk#also i am very embarrassed about the way i talked about autism on here when i thought i had it now that i’m not sure#like it feels very rude and offensive in retrospect#so i’m very very genuinely sorry for that#that just was not okay for me to do#i promise to be better going forward and i’m very sorry#pol’s diary <3
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scrolling through my shri’iia/bg3 tag looking for a specific thing and every post is like, here’s another awful situation I will put my baby girl in 🤭
#and I will be putting her in MORE situations#the hc of harleep turning into her matriarch bc she can’t ever say no to that woman is most heinous I think#and so plausible for me (in terms of shri’iia reaction and less abt what succubus can do in general im hand waving that)#that she’d actually do what they say - the stripping down and stuff - bc she’s been conditioned to never refuse her matriarch (or lolth)#and even in act 3 she still hasn’t fully unlearned that. so she follows what they say until u get astarion going like what are u doing???#and she’s like . wait ur right what am /I/ doing. that’s part of the wake up call. and then after house of hope she’ll just feel#like Shit ofc 👍 like post oath break/act 2 is when she mourns about her identity and religion and gets her own existential crisis#act 3 is when she expresses grief over what she has done to herself and actually mourn that….bc she hasn’t before….she couldn’t make#regret it but now she can and it’s cathartic when she finally does 👍#we are completely dismantling every facet of the cult indoctrination. and I also like her going through the worst time possible#makes the ending satisfying ☝️
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breaking news ! person who has a problem with everyone™ now has a problem with u! who would have guessed
#barks#I'm not even mad they unfollowed me#like theyre mad over drama that has literally nothing to do w them#theyre also fucking annoying#and i barely considered them a friend anyway#it just sucks to now feel excommunicated from my entire friend group due to all this shit#not that these ppl are rly my friends ig#acquaintances more like#i already had my whole identity crisis about not being in the punk scene anymore#its just weird#just have to make a post on my blog and move on
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lyra may not be the protagonist but that does not change the fact she is filled with joyous hope and whimsy and is determined to stay silly despite her internal crises and wants to make sure everyone else is just as joyful and whimsy. including the girl in her computer who tried to steal her body.
#lyra kawamoto#just like ethan she does everything for the sake of others but not herself#she's a bit of a ditz who's easy to push around but thats ok#as long as people are happy she's happy#combine that with a gigantic identity crisis#and shits unfortunate#godddd her relationship with kris makes me so fucking sad#even after what kris did. she doesnt want. everything theyve been through together to be. a lie#she still wants to be her friend#even if she knows kris hates her#and she should hate kris#she. just.#cant
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just coughed so hard i almost threw up what the hell is going on atm that was not very cunt of me
#my poor flatmate just listening to me dying AGAIN#been perpetually dying for SEVEN WEEKS NOW#that's right the cough has made it to week seven <3 she's intermittently given me a blocked nose as well#but the past two days she's switched it up and gone with an outrageously sore throat#medical tumblr come diagnose me pls#i just spent £2.40 on TEA bc the only tea that had ginger/honey/lemon/throat shit was twinings#fucking twinings. who even am i anymore#do u know what it feels like to go to self-checkout with tesco's own brand of £1 porridge oats and a box of TWININGS#i had an identity crisis#hella goes to uni
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right at the beginning of music school is actually a fantastic time to think "really when was the last time making music or working with music made me happy?"
#don't worry about me this is just my bi-weekly crisis regarding school and my future and my entire identity haha yea i'm fine i'm cool#i'm frustrated bc i haven't actually made progress with music in so long and i haven't made anything i'm proud of for even longer#i'm studying music technology but i don't know shit about it and really i'm not that passionate about it either#there are so many projects that i have in the works that i actually do have to finish bc they're for other people but i just#can't get myself to work on it#my entire life i've been so fucking bad with comparing myself to others#and going to music school i am now surrounded by talented people left and right and i feel so fucking inferior#and i'm one of those people who never studied in school and well that's not rly an issue bc at this school u don't study the traditional way#however what this also means about me is that nothing has ever been difficult for me before and#i simply don't know how to cope with not knowing how to do something#i mean this isn't the first time that i don't know how to do something but#this is the first time that i can't just run away from it and ignore it#and i feel like i'm never gonna be able to graduate from here#i've literally had just two days of school so far and i'm convinced i can't do it#to be fair i was already convinced i'm a failure and a fraud before i started so#also during the first introduction lecture to the school. burnout got mentioned. very. very. very many times.#i'll let you guys know when it gets to me haha#i'm feeling good i'm feeling so good i'm feeling fine [crying my eyes out]#eg posts
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not gonna lie my characterization and rationalization of akira's character has been easier to do once i found out he shares the same personality type as me.
like sure it's subjective or whatever but as one myself, ENFP akira makes a lot of his actions make so much more sense. same with ENTP goro. god it makes everything so much easier with arguably complex characters like them.
#aishi.txt#NOW IMMA BE REAL W U i cant pretend to know everything about personality types and learning about it makes my head SPIN#so if im wrong about their types (or god forbid my own type) dont beat me up!!! im just a little guy you wouldnt do that to a silly lil guyy#i know how. passionate people get about these. letters#but i just think knowing even surface-level about it helped Me in particular ^_^#like it rly did. im a stickler for these things and i care if im portraying characters right somewhat in my art n analysis n shi#so putting them in these lil boxes and labeling them helps!#OUGHHH IM BEIN sooo.. smart n organized rn. lets freaking go#like i think its less 'oh akira just like me fr' but more like shit yeah that makes sense people do that#like if someone thinks its weird akira would devote himself to a man who betrayed and tried to kill him twice 🤨🤨🤨#....lets just say they havent met me!#(me forgiving any guy who's wronged me before as long as they say the word or show a modicum of remorse) seems legit!#that being said i think akira just like me fr in the way that if i embraced my quietude or whatever#i think#i am an ENFP though even if i dont know anything beyond surface level ive done multiple tests on various sotes and spaced them out#by months#and kept getting ENFP#So objectively i am one 😎 (dont make me go into identity crisis mode pls! )#i think it speaks volumes though like i understand all too well#hc but i think akira wasnt always quiet but he had to be quiet when he transferred which is obv and also being quiet came naturally?#but its obvious he doesnt always want to be#ie him laughing maniacally in metaverse. frequent flaunting and 'it's showtime!' stuff#for me in the past the 'quiet kid. unassuming' label followed me throughout school and i haaaated that but there was also no disputing it..#i could only try to get close to ppl to show them the real me... -_-#i guess i relate to akira on that front#that being said im also probably mega projecting#but what is media and my own engagement of it if not a sandbox playground for me to do whatever#that being said if im severely ignorant abt this pls lmk im down to learn. i think i prolly am esp in regards to goro's type cuz#i didnt spend that long thinking about him. cuz akira's my fav dhdhdj#🫰goro's just fun to psychoanalyze. akira's my meepmorp if that makes sense
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