#but its obvious he doesnt always want to be

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 1: GIVE ME BACK MY PLUSHIE

WC: 2704

mira

he's late. even to his own break up. this is so embarrassing.

my mocha. ive been in this cafe too long, the dent in my seat starting to feel deeper. even though the doors are closed, the cold winter air keeps seeping in and the wind keeps rattling the windows. i dont even want to be outside right now.

i would have met up with him at my apartment, but i didnt want to give him a chance to talk my head all crazy. i thought about this long enough. I WONT let him talk me out of it. fuck jung wooyoung, honestly.

i stare into my mocha pathetically. if he wont show up, i'll just cry into this cup. and he'll probably send me a lame text about how he got caught up in traffic or work and just make me regret ever meeting him again.

my heart burns thinking about it. all the time wasted. nine months. it wasnt that long but i only ever dated people i really liked. even when i just date, when its over, i feel like im getting divorced. its just so...dramatic.

its going in for an hour now. i guess "we need to talk" wasnt urgent enough. maybe i should have said "im dying" and sent the address, but i dont even know if he would have been on time for that.

its simple, really. today is the day that i dump wooyoung. and its not because i want to. its just gotten to that point.

the cafe door swings open abruptly with a harsh ding of the bell. wooyoung barges in with his long black coat and grey beanie, looking around the place frantically, his eyes zeroing in on me when he finds me in the furthest booth away. somehow his walk over is slow, kind of shameless even though hes just wasting more of my time. theres a conflicted look on his face.

"hey, cupcake," he greets me with a smile that doesnt reach his eyes and slides into the booth. "sorry im late i–"

i just wave my hand to show that i dont care. "just listen," i tell him, not wanting to hear all that.

he frowns. "somethings wrong."

i feign a smile. "well arent you observant. anyway, i cant do this anymore. i'd like if we never saw each other again." i bend down to pick up a plastic bag full of all of his things and put it on the table. "this is all your clothes and jewelry that you left behind at my apartment."

"what?" woo gasps. "youre breaking up with me? why?"

i cock my head at him. "surely you're not asking me that. isnt it obvious?"

"no, this is coming out of nowhere!"

men.

"you don't respect my time, wooyoung," i say with a shrug. suddenly im the best performer ever. i cried while practicing my speech and now that he was infront of me, it was just coming out like any other debate. "i dont think i fit in your life anymore. your priorities dont include me so i'll do myself that favour and just phase out of existence."

"sweetheart, i was late like five times," he says in disbelief. "and you know why all of those times, you cant possibly think i dont respect your time. you know how busy i am."

he says five times like its so little. i dont actually know why hes so busy. he always attributes it to work but i dont even know what the fuck hes doing over there. maybe i tuned it out every single time because i was just excited to see him. but right now, i really didnt care.

"you missed my grandmother's funeral, woo," i say emptily. "you know how badly i needed you there."

"i stayed with you after, didnt i?" he asks me, his tone getting angrier. "cmon, i was with you the whole night!"

"right, and my grief just disappeared by morning."

"i told you im really busy at wo–"

"wooyoung, im a fucking law student and doing an internship for the UN, i GUARANTEE you're not more busy than me!" i finally snap.

he looks at me with fired up eyes. "so what, you're the only one allowed to be busy?"

his tone makes my calmness wither like a bone in the desert. "no, im the only one clearly MAKING TIME. i dont fucking care what your reason is. i got a B in my Advanced Criminal Procedure exam, im not going to let this eat me up and make my grades worse. so sorry, im not breaking my back to see you anymore."

he clenches his jaw, looking down at his hands. i dont know why hes fighting it. i thought he'd jump to be rid of me because of how clingy i was getting.

"so all this time together...just meant nothing," he scoffs. "its so easy for you to throw it away."

wooyoung was only my third boyfriend. which isnt a lot, but ive heard that line many a lifetime. i just sit there and stare at him.

"why couldnt we talk about this back at your apartment?" he questions me. i knew he would.

the fact that i wanted to do this many times, but everytime i couldnt even get the words out because wooyoung, against my better judgment, would seduce me out of it till i forgot i even wanted to break up with him. then he'd be the perfect boyfriend for like 2 weeks before he just went back to his bullshit again.

"because you wouldnt give me the chance," i tell him firmly. "and you know it."

"damn straight," he looks at me with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes. "and thats too bad. because you forgot chopper."

i frown, opening the plastic bag myself. fucking hell, hes right. i forgot his stupid tony chopper plushie that took up half the space on my bed.

"i can mail it to you," i say with a shrug.

"not happening," wooyoung says and stands up. "cmon, i'll drive us."

"woo, no–"

"im not letting you give chopper away to whatever university frat boy scum comes after me."

i look at him incredulously. i dont even get the chance to object. he throws money on the table for my bill and picks up the plastic bag with his clothes, then walks away carrying my bag to his car.

oh my god, i cant stand him.

***

the silence on the road is more mine than his. hes loud in his actions, looking back on the road for any other cars, sighing and rubbing his head like the world is on his shoulders, turning to look at me like its all my fault.

and here i am, and i dont know what i feel.

i cant say he was always a shit boyfriend. even when he wasnt there, he sort of...was? he made up every bad thing with something even better. but i cant look past time lost. time is all we have.

i remember when we met. and it felt like we had all the time in the world.

i was late to a practical, and he rearended me in the street. it completely fucked up my day. i got out of my car ready to fight and tell him off like the asshole he was, but when i saw him for the first time, its like i forgot my words.

"you fucking rear ended me," i snapped at him. "can you even afford to fix this car?"

"honestly, no. but keep looking at me like that, and i'll find every way in the world to make sure you smile again."

i didnt know what to say when i heard it. his first lines of what i didnt know would be our whole relationship. me pointing a gun and getting disarmed by him immediately. he could never tell what would come out of his mouth next. i always stayed longer than i should have to find out.

until i didnt care to know anymore. i guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

"you're just gonna sit there and say nothing," he suddenly speaks, ripping me out of my inconvenient nostalgia. "i just wanna know...is there someone else."

my irritation spikes immediately. i can barely stand him and he thinks i'd rebound another man.

"i should ask you that, actually," i smile pettily. "working late all the time, seeing me at odd hours. finding me at strange places. you're the one who was moving weird, not fucking me."

he brakes the car on a dark road, making me jump. he turns his whole body and leans into me, giving me a bewildered look.

"you think i'd ever do that to you?" he says, shaking his head. "i gave you all of my one piece merch even after i know you havent caught up with the manga. my parents only call me to ask about you. my fucking wall is full of pictures of you. my life revolves around you, and you think i'd do that to you?"

i feel tears pressing behind my eyes, but i blink them away quickly, clearing my throat and looking away from his intense gaze.

"you did all of that, but you couldnt do the one thing i wanted from you. which was be there."

"do you think i wouldnt be there if i had a choice?"

his question hangs in the air. and i feel my throat getting thicker.

"i dont know, wooyoung. i think this has just been a lot. we dont know each other anymore. please just drive."

he scoffs again, adjusting the gear too hard. "utter bullshit. i didnt know you were the type to give up so easily."

i clench my fist. he knows i hate when he challenges me. hes just doing this to make it feel like one. that was our whole relationship. a challenge that felt good until it didnt.

wooyoung was so carefree and managed to do everything he wanted, despite real life responsibilities. it made me jealous. outside of my work, i struggled to keep friends, and having wooyoung felt like an accomplishment. it felt like there was so much i learnt from him. we were like sponges, taking everything from each other. but if his interest is gone, then i dont wanna waste my time giving anymore.

i lay my head against the window to sleep till we get home, praying he wouldnt drive shit this time around. he wakes me when we're out front, and getting my keys and unlocking the door feels like the biggest challenge in the world.

it immediately starts pouring from the sky. the rain sounds like hail. i wonder if he'll be able to drive home like this, he can barely see when its clear out. when we get into the apartment i slip off my trenchcoat and its taken from me before im even able to put it on the rack.

i turn around, seeing wooyoung putting it on the rack.

"thanks," i mutter. he doesnt say anything back.

i feel like my head is swimming. he needs to leave now.

i immediately rush off into my room, seeing the chopper plushie leaning off the bed. i meant to pack him in.

while im getting him, my eyes betray me and find all our polaroids on my nightstand.  the zoro figurine he gave me holding my stationary.

wooyoung flicks on the lamp, making me jump. i sweep my hair out of my neck, suddenly feeling nervous.

im not used to him being quiet. hes always loud, present. hard to miss.

"you're not wearing the necklace i got you," i hear him say. hes disappointed.

"it didnt match my outfit," i answer him without turning around. why am i still explaining myself?

"it goes perfectly with your earrings, actually," he tells me. hes leaned against my door frame, just watching. im frozen, chopper warming my skin against my will, indirectly comforting me. i wish i could actually keep him.

one memory wouldnt hurt, right?

wooyoung suddenly walks to my drawer, opening it and pulling my necklace out. its gold with a tear-shaped emerald pendant, because green's my favourite colour. he plants himself infront of me, putting it on for me. its slow, and agonizing. i should have known he wouldnt go out easy.

i make the mistake of looking up at him. and hes already looking at me.

his eyes are dark and telling. hes not going to make this easy. im holding my breath.

"dont do this, sweetheart," he says in a low voice. his hand cups the side of my neck, and he has the nerve to rub it tenderly. his skin is warm. "you're so cold."

his lips drift closer to mine, the space between us forming a dimension on its own. his breath is about to be shared with mine until i realize what hes doing. he kisses me before i can pull away, and once he does, its like im swallowed all over again. chopper falls out of my hands.

he doesnt just kiss me. he absorbs me. his lips are harsh and demanding–even desperate. hes taking again. im almost leaned over into the bed when his arm comes around my waist, the only thing holding me from folding over. i cant do this again. it always ends like this.

i put my hand against his chest, pushing him back. its like he wont let go of my lips. "dont start, wooyoung," i say breathlessly. "you always do this."

"you still want me," he says, not even listening to me. "you're still mine."

"shut up!" i say frustratedly. i elbow him and bend down to pick chopper up. "get the fuck out. im keeping this. you dont deserve him."

"no," he says stubbornly, holding out his hand. "give me back my plushie."

the anger rises to my head and i toss the thing at his head. "give me back my fucking nine months!"

"it was ten," he corrects me, forcing a smile.

"no it wasnt."

"im counting since the day i met you."

i look at him incredulously.

"you havent said sorry even once," i explode. "for any of the inconveniences, for being late. you fucking late TODAY. and i still dont get an explanation, what do you take me for?"

"its shit you wouldnt care about!" he says back with the same tone, like HE has something to be angry about. "im here now, mira. im sorry, i really am. i didnt realize how bad its gotten. but i'll try harder, i promise. havent i always made it up to you?"

"i dont want you to make it up to me, i want you to GET IT RIGHT. listen to me, listen to what im telling you."

"FINE THEN I WILL," he snaps. "i'll get it right. we can break up, but we're getting back together. because im not a quitter. this is just a phase, and it'll pass. i'll suffocate you like a fungus, i'll figure this shit out, i promise. and you know i dont break my promises."

now he's promising. why couldnt he do that before.

"im supposed to believe that now?" i scoff. "you're suddenly going to be perfect NOW? why does it have to get this bad before you realize how much you're fucking up."

he frowns and wipes his face in frustration. "i thought i had time to fix my shit. i didnt realize i was on a timer."

i look at him, not even knowing what to say. thats his fucking problem. he doesnt think hard enough.

"you're suffocating me," i admit, my chest feeling heavy. "everything youre doing now, its just...i just think you should go."

"but we can figure this out right?" he almost begs. "im sorry, cupcake. i really am. i hate seeing you like this."

"wooyoung, just go, please."

he picks chopper up, resigning. i wipe my tears fast so he doesnt see them, speedwalking to the door so i can let him out before i make any more mistakes. but when i go to open the door, it doesnt budge.

"what the fuck," i grunt and pull on it. wooyung comes up behind me, and i move out of the way so he can open it. but even then, it only rattles.

he goes to the window and sighs.

"its snowing outside."

"what?"

i check for myself. my cars tyres are almost halfway sunken into a white blanket, and i realize the door has to have been frozen shut. the rain pours harder by the second.

just my fucking luck.

he turns to me and i can tell he wants to be smug. hes just barely choking it down. "i guess you're stuck with me."

NEXT CHAPTER

***

A/N: pleaaase dm me if you want to be part of the taglist thank you love you lovelies <3

[crustyfloor]

In a sense it feels like Till has always lived in a metaphorical "fishbowl" enclosed and isolated from the world outside of it, not just physically but emotionally, because in the same way his love and memories are sealed away in a coffin, he also keeps those feelings and keepsakes in their own little space where they can float around and stay untouched by the world, guarded. His life started in a cage with Io, just a different kind of fishbowl where they were trapped and could only see the world inside looking out, but they were happy. Till was happy to have his passion for music and the love of his provider in that fishbowl, the same can be said for when he's living in Anakt garden, he was trapped in an idealized environment with entities on the outside looking in where he could only touch the true outside world from a distance, but his most treasured memories belong to that fishbowl, you get used to it after a while and you fear leaving it alongside the comfort of your memories and the other fish alongside you, I think that's why Till dreams big, is inspired by the outside world, but doesn't leave the fishbowl as much as he asserts he doesn't want to be 'restricted' as backwards as it is he can't leave it all behind when all that he loves and all that's familiar is there in that fishbowl

[dukeofthomas]

"Angry robin" "violent robin" "misbehaving robin" shut up and accept my alternative; spunky Robin. Determined and head strong, can out-stubborn the Batman, has a strong moral-backbone and does what he thinks is right regardless of what anybody else says, Robin. Jason who was sassy and quippy and made crude jokes with a smile on his face. Jason who hid in Bruce's cape and whispered gossip to him. Jason who, if Bruce refused him something, could keep bothering endlessly until Bruce caved. And also dramatic Jason. If Bruce tells him no, it becomes a whole theatrical show; a monologue, a narration, embellishments, and falling onto the floor in his grief upon the fact his cruel father has denied him once again.

(Jason who has suffered through abuse and homelessness and poverty and starvation, who is the Fight out of Fight or Flight, who's built up defenses and walls and when pushed and triggered responds with the thing that's always protected him; anger. He's sweet and kind and funny, and when he sees a pimp hitting a prostitute he gets furious and responds with violence.)

[specialtysacrifice]

I just! Don't wanna give iasip the credit of canon macden when the relationship exists in that back and forth, yes and no. Like, what if we never got out Mac and he kept going in and out of the closet, yeah technically the show has a gay character... but it sucks. Yeah technically the show has a gay relationship between two male leads... but it sucks. In the sense that they can retract it at any time, ya know.

[buwheal]

out of context lyric discussion doodles solely because you guys like this... thing.... or.... whatever he is........

[arsenicflame]

I don't think Izzy hates Valentine's Day, but I do think Izzy hates Valentine's Day- the pomp and ceremony of it all, the crowds and the noise and the expectation to do things that he doesn't enjoy, or find romantic, or see the point of. Flowers die, restaurants are as busy as they ever get (not to mention his food intolerances), chocolates and hearts are a hollow present that shows his partner doesn't know anything about him...

He's happy to do something romantic, mark the occasion- even if they could do it just the same at any other time- but what he wants is something that feels like it matters to him. A quiet night in with his favourite meal cooked exactly how he likes it, a rerun of his favourite movie.... time spent together with nobody else around. A simple, quiet love.

[13eyond13]

love it when a character that's hard to read intuitively for you has like a dedicated fandom interpreter who can just glance at their blank face in a panel and then give you a 3k word essay on their innermost thoughts & desires & fears and neatly tie it back into the themes & whatnot as if it's the most obvious thing in the world

[ghost-bard]

feeling unwell about solavellan

[dennisboobs]

every day i have to hold my tongue when m-cd-nnis shippers start sounding like frat guys with the way they talk about dennis' Secret Feelings toward mac. hey man. i don't actually think you get it. i don't think you understand what's going on between them.

[tadpal]

but seriously if you're taking inspiration from emma for your story/characterisation and you DONT make them good friends who seek eachother out constantly . then you've simply missed the point

[arolesbianism]

Everyday I see another youtube video or whatever say smth along the lines of "this character is badly written because they're unlikable/annoying/insert negative description here" and everyday I end up massively disappointed because I came here for analysis on the actual writing of a character not just a description of the feelings they made you experience

[drifloonz]

I'm autistic for Steven too lol (He's my beloved little scrunkly) (He'd probably hide my body in a dumpster)

i think if steven ''accidentally'' killed someone nowadays ( almost 100% via s!3v3n ) after barely processing it, dissociating immensely, and probably having a breakdown, he'd like. messily bury you

[gilligans-islands]

i think its interesting that throughout all of ep 6 we can see stede and ed like sharing a connection but they are taking it slow. they are just having small moments together where they are together and enjoying each others company.

then of course Ned Low shows up and ruins everything by capturing and torturing the crew and he says many things to rile up both stede and ed who still havent like fully reformed their relationship and trust for eachother and it probably alights all their insecurities about their relationship plus they had to watch each other get tortured and almost die and after he chooses to kill ned stede is obviously shaken up both from killing a man and all of the shit he just went through and hes vulnerable and scared and lightly traumatized probably and ed goes to check on him and stede is just is a horrible headspace and he falls back on his old ways and acts on a whim by grabbing ed and pushing him up against the wall

and ed didnt have any better of a night than stede did, getting tortured and watching your lover get tortured fucking sucks and hes just as in a horrible headspace as stede and so he also acts on a whim and lets stede escalate and they kiss and then they have sex

and everything seems great between them the next morning but suddenly ed is throwing away his leathers—okay pretty sudden but maybe he was already planning to—and then ed is sharing how stede was kinda the one who saved his life when he almost died—okay kinda intense conversation over breakfast but maybe he was already planning on telling him and decided it was a good opportunity—and then later stede shares how he wrote ed letters expressing his love and threw them into the sea—and okay maybe they just felt like really sharing this morning—and then later at jackies ed is telling jackie about how it might not be a phase that he just wants to be a regular guy—and wow okay thats cool maybe hes just been thinking about it for a while—and then stede lights a man on fire who wants to kill him—and woah stede um kinda harsh you didnt even hear the man out—and then stede and ed meet up and stede got his ear pierced—thats cool unplanned but cool—and then ed tells stede that he took a job as a fisherman and is leaving—

and then suddenly you realize theyve fallen back into their old patterns of acting on whims again

suddenly they aren't taking things slow, suddenly they are sharing intimate things with each other with 0 apprehension

they are right back where they were in season 1 right down to ed wanting to get away from pirating like his life depends on it and stede wanting nothing more but to be a pirate and live out his fantasy

and this time they fight and ed outright says that things are going too fast and part of it is that he just wants to leave and he is scared but he feels like this because yeah

they are taking it too fast

they suddenly—on a whim—decided to deepen their relationship way faster than they should have entirely on accident just by—on a whim—deciding to have sex when they were both in a vulnerable state and needed comfort

i really dont think it was an accident that episode 4 decided to spell out for us that Ed and Stede are whim prone people. it wasnt just an explanation for why last season ended the way it did with them splitting up. it was an omen for what was eventually going to happen with them in these episodes. the inevitability that they were eventually going to succumb to their true natures if not given the proper space and time to work out the shit between them, if insecurities and expectations got piled onto them again.

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

MY MUM JUST BOUGHT ME AND HER TICKETS TO SEE SIX?? UNPROMPTED???? SHE IS THE MOST CONFUSING WOMAN ALIVE??????? BUT YAAAAAYYYY

[scentofpines]

my brother is visiting us again and i'm soooo fucking doneeee he is so annoying omg

[asummersday]

local author is absolutely obsessed with raph and leo's relationship following the end of season 2 and is making it everyone's problem, more at 11!