#even with my irl friends I cant bring myself to be like I used to

[fluffyblackdragon]

h. Hey. question.

how do you kill the voice in ur head that says people wouldnt enjoy your self-indulgent 20k+ fanfic because its hyperspecific to YOU. how do I kill it. how do i engage in sharing myself again. how do i fuckin do that. how do I allow myself to be known through a bunch of stupid words on the internet and not want to Die About It. i want to kick its ass.

[sirensea14]

Me with who

I trusted, Let you in

Let you see through my broken skin

Let you tell me, People would love me

Not get sick of me, Get rid of me

I know you rarely open your Tumblr from your browser but if ever you do so, well, sana matamaan ka.

[kurthorton-moving]

feeling very 🧍‍♂️ may not be around for a bit

[theautismcorner]

I have bothered my friends about this enough so now I'm posting my ramblings to tumblr so i don't annoy anyone. This is primarily about being disabled.

I love Viktor so much. I love seeing disability rep in media, especially the way they talk about Viktor within arcane. I will phrase this in the most vague way I can - at the end of season two when Jayce talks to Viktor about it I wanted to implode. I would kill for someone to say that to me. I relate to him on an insane level. Starting off with something i find amusing and unrelated to disability - my eyes are actually fairly similar in color to his, specifically when I’m outside/in natural light. One of my friends called them dark honey one time which i think is really cute. Now onto the disability part - I am physically disabled (I have hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome) and often walk with a limp due to pain and have to use braces a lot. While I am dealing with my flare ups reading fics from Viktors pov is really therapeutic because they make me feel like I am not alone in my pain. They help to distract me from the pain too. Something within the fics--the ones that have his pain as a central element--that i love is how much the other characters (namely jayce) care about him and just see him. People who aren't disabled probably don't know how hard it is to ask for the help you need it during flares for fear of being a burden or being weak. When people just offer help, even with small things like getting a blanket or making a cup of tea, it truly means the world. I have been in a flare for three days and have been virtually on my own with it because I don't live with people i like much or even care to know that well and cant really physically leave once the flare is active. I have been living off of crackers, cheese, and cereal because I cant make myself food which sucks. I am lucky i had put my mini fridge next to my bed so i don't have to walk to get ice packs or cheese. I just read Viktor fics (jayvik to be more specific because season two is ouchy) and listen to the same song on loop for hours (the song is Fantastic - Cait and Vis song) just wishing I had someone to care for me like what I am reading. I read one where Jayce makes Viktor his favorite soup and brings it to him and that's exactly what i wish I had right now. I love living vicariously through the fics but god would it be nice to have this stuff irl. Anyways, my legs feel like they are being pulled apart, one muscle/tendon/bone at a time, so I am going to keep reading fics until I have to hobble to a friendsgiving. If y'all have any fic recs please let me know.

[eyelinerandmcr]

🦇 ATHENA'S INTRODUCTION POST

ill put stuff at more length but to some it up basically i love mcr more than anything i like to draw i LOVE listening to and making music, im teaching myself guitar rn and its hard even though ive been playing piano since i was 8 😞. and i use she/her, im queer im greek orthodox christian and i support all religions <3 btw i would never try to convert someone to my religion or push it on anyone else in any way bc thats weird and i also dont talk about it that much incase religion is the kind of thing that makes u uncomfortable, its not like something i bring up!! + FREE PALESTINE!! 🇵🇸🇵🇸 but yeah tehrese mroe under the cut 😋

→ MY INTERESTS: music: my chemical romance (my fave!! (obviously)), pierce the veil (my second fave!!), ls dunes, amy winehouse, black veil brides, ayesha erotica, evanescence, bring me the horizon, chappell roan, escape the fate, taking back sunday, gerard way, p!atd, three days grace, pencey prep, misfits, sleeping with sirens, the cure, fall out boy, more but i cant remember

youtubers i watch: chad chad, stephanie lange, salem tovar, danny gonzalez, film cooper, drew gooden, not even emily, sarah chio, ally purugganan, jarvis johnson, erika diane shes my comfort ytber😭, kurtis conner, annemarie forcino

books i love: !!literally anything by leigh bardugo shes my fave!!, the hunger games series including the ballad of songbirds and snakes, the house in the cerulean sea, the red queen series, the book thief, loveless, a tree grows in brooklyn, hell followed with us, the scythe series, darius the great is not okay, a wrinkle in time, i am the cheese, hole, the bell jar, that was then this is now, station eleven. always open to recs! <3

hobbies: watching arcane, writing, drawing, doing my makeup, thrifting, reading (especially fantasy), going on walks, baking, singing, collecting perfumes, listening to music, analyzing poetry and lyrics, teaching myself guitar, painting my nails, debating about pretty much anything as long as it stays respectful, journaling, sewing and altering clothes, making collages, swimming, playing the piano, watching long video essays on youtube (especially ones about anything related to music), talking to my friends irl or online, talking about music but especially mcr!! Fanfiction Masterlist (i dont really write that much)

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆ → DNI: - if you are anti palestine/pro israel (this does NOT mean anti hamas! i don't support hamas! i mean if you believe that the people of palestine do not deserve to be free and live on their own land) - if you are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, or discriminatory towards any group of people - if youre over like thirty or something but honestly idc just dont be weird ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆ → OTHER PLATFORMS: a03: lanaslollipop

[miumura]

( 💿 ) YOU’RE BLUSHING? — JI CHANGMIN FIC

[ DAY TWELVE ] of the advent calendar !

( 💿 ) SYNOPSIS . . as much as you wanted to deny that you had feelings for him, it was getting harder to ignore ever since he commented on how pink your face was—knowing that it was caused because of him.

( + ) PAIRING . . friend!changmin x gn!reader

( 💿 ) GENRE . . fluff, crack kinda, mutual pining, friends 2 lovers (GET IT AWAY FROM ME I CANT STOP WRITING FOR F2LS.)

( + ) WARNINGS . . eric kinda pushy but hes js trying to be a wingman, reader is a lil mean BUT W GOOD INTENTIONS, some profanity

( 💿 ) NOTE . . ignore that im like sm days late im trying to hold myself accountable okay 😭 life has been lifeing and posting daily is hard i applaud people that r able to post sm everyday .. at this rate im gonna post 4 fics a day im so behind .. anyways lets totally pretend i didnt snatch this idea from irl !

“Do you like him?” Eric pressured you to answer for the millionth time, trying to get the truth out of you. He would always bring up this question during the last period, knowing it was just you and him around and not anyone else. Even with him showing his puppy eyes, you looked at him, and repeated the answer you’d always tell him. “No, I don’t like Changmin.”

“You’re lying again,” Eric sighed, knowing how stupid you would be trying to figure out your real feelings for your best friend, Ji Changmin.

Changmin is clearly your type—you know that, and even Eric knows that. But according to you, he’s too perfect for you, which only causes Eric to roll his eyes. He’s more like a perfect pair for you, if he does say so himself. Either way, you can’t really tell if Changmin even feels the same way.

So, you’re afraid, leading up to you not confessing your feelings at all—even if someone (Eric) tries to convince you to, you would not even make a move.

“Seriously, I don’t know why you wouldn’t confess,” Eric says, popping a piece of gum in his mouth.

“…Because I don’t like him like that?”

“And I can stuff 50 pepero sticks in my mouth–wait…maybe I can. Whatever–don’t make me go off track!” He pointed at you, like you had anything to do with his absurd ideas anyways. “That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard from you.”

Do you even like Changmin like that?

“Whatever.” The bell rang, signifying that everyone was allowed to leave for the day. Looking out of the nearby window, you could already see bits of snow falling down, and Eric was all excited. “It’s snowing!”

“Great…” You already knew it was going to be cold, and you really hated walking in the cold. But, the snow was going to make the walk back home even worse than it already was. “Come on, let’s go!” He drags you by the arm, hurrying over to the lockers.

Your locker conveniently stands between Eric's and Changmin's, offering a seamless meeting point for the trio of best friends. As you chat with Eric, the familiar voice of Changmin interrupts your conversation.

"Hey!" Changmin's voice accompanies his quick steps as he approaches with a broad smile on his face. Eric nudges you, and you shoot him a scornful look. "What?"

"Nothing," you whisper back to Eric, well aware that Changmin is eyeing the two of you curiously. The dynamics of your friendship triangle always keep things interesting.

“Anyways—” Eric continues, with a mischievous glint in his eye, suggesting he's up to something once again. “I have to go with Sunwoo, so you two have fun!”

"Wait, what? Doesn’t Sunwoo have soccer practice—” Before you can finish, Eric waves a quick goodbye and scurries off. You knew him well enough to sense that he orchestrated this moment for you and Changmin. After all, he claims you have feelings for him, something you vehemently deny. Changmin, unfazed by Eric's antics, takes the opportunity to suggest, “Want to do something after school now that Eric ditched us?”

“Sure, why not?” you casually say, closing the locker door in front of you. “You lead the way, Mr. Chang.” He rolls his eyes at the sudden nickname, and you can't help but let out a soft giggle, soon walking besides him.

As you and Changmin make your way to the front of the school, he glances at you and notices that you don't have gloves on despite the chilly weather.

“Hey, aren't you cold without gloves?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.

“Hm?”

“Your hands are red already,” Changmin points out. You look down at your hands, and indeed, they are red—the color has spread all over them. In response, you pull up your sleeves, trying to hide the chilly effect.

“I’ll be fine,” you shrug, but he continues to look concerned. His worry tugs at you, appreciating the care he's showing.

Without a word, Changmin takes off his gloves and holds them out to you. “Here, take these. You shouldn't be freezing your hands off.”

You hesitate, ready to refuse, but he insists, sliding the gloves onto your hands regardless. The warmth instantly envelops your cold fingers, and you can't help but appreciate the small act of kindness, feeling yourself smile.

“There—oh! Are you okay? You’re red,” Changmin observes, his hands almost reaching your face. “Do you need my scarf—” You quickly intervene by placing your own hands on your cheeks, feeling the heat.

“Oh—shit…” you mumble, realizing the inevitable, and he tries to perk his ears to catch what you're saying. “I’m blushing…”

“You’re blushing?” he questions, a hint of surprise in his tone. Well, it seems he caught onto those words, making the situation even more awkward.

“Why?” Changmin asks, genuinely puzzled.

Letting out a sigh, you cover your face with your hands and mutter, “It’s because of you, idiot.”

His eyes widen at your response, a mixture of surprise and amusement crossing his face.

"So... you have feelings for me?" Changmin questions.

"No, I totally despise you to the point that my face randomly turns red at the mere sight of you," you retort sarcastically, eliciting a small chuckle from him.

"Now that's more like you."

"Whatever." A moment of quiet descends, and you both share affectionate glances. Taking a step closer, Changmin reaches for both of your hands. "I like you too."

This time, your face turns completely red, and he can't help but enjoy the effect he has on you. Instead of your giggle, you hear faint noises in the background. Turning abruptly, you squint your eyes, only to discover Eric and Sunwoo spying in the corner.

"Eric? Sunwoo?!" you exclaim, causing Eric to accidentally push Sunwoo's face into the snow, and then quickly backing away. "What the heck, Eric?"

"Sorry!"

"They just had to be our friends, huh?" Changmin remarks, and you nod as the other two continue bickering—mostly Sunwoo seeking revenge and Eric pleading for mercy. At least you and Changmin have something sweet going on, rather than being entangled in that chaos.

And now you know you like him like that. No more denying it.

TBZ PERM TAGLIST — @flwoie @haruavrse @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @ilovechanhee @ja4hyvn @vampcharxter

ADVENT CALENDAR MLIST — @en-dream @i-yeseo @yizhoutv @yuma-is-mine @wtfhyuck @sansfransisco

[mihai-florescu]

Fascinated by alien valkyrie... do happyele really think mixing the two will bring people back? Ive still been playing the eng server because i was already committed to getting new years madara but idk if I'll keep going after that... everything is leaving a bad taste in my mouth but Im sticking around on the periphery at least to see where things go. Morbidly curious.

Also I havent been reading anymore mhyk stories I've just been drained by Everything and then last week my irl that I was gonna watch the anime with got really sick. She's better now so we are gonna watch the first two eps tomorrow but I would like to get back to reading stories... hopefully soon now that things are settling down. -📖

Morbidly curious is my stance too. But to be fair i have never spent money in game, find tiering stupid, and when ppl would ask how to get into enstars id always tell them to read first era instead rather than playing the game so. Well. I still do my starry lives on eng, i wont lie. I wish i never started playing the actual game though, now i struggle to stop when ive had the acc since it was in beta (i did stop playing on the jp server a while ago though since im using eng to read untranslated stories). I will be the first to admit im addicted, and ive overcome past game addictions by telling myself i still have enstars. But im not sure how to stop playing this one now...? I dont want to get into any other game. I read stories with pleasure but playing things is too addictive for me, who lacks routine or purpose otherwise. But this disappointment in recent updates might help me break out of the addiction i hope. Even if enstars still makes me happier than anything and i cant see a world where it's not my special interest~ ill cherish it for what it was to me forever. And even currently i think theres more nuanced than people like to think, given even good rep has been attacked in an attempt to nitpick and get points on estwt. I have complicated feelings on the whole matter that i prefer to keep to myself or close friends. But maybe i already wrote my feelings in those instagram stories i shared from a few days ago and the ask from cookie

Ignore the typo, but these were my feelings from a few days ago irt morbid curiosity. Ive always said im not a fandom account but just a guy with an interest in things - other ppl resonated with my opinions and here we are i suppose. But im critical of a fandom lens in approaching media. My sensitive lone wolf personality, tch... <-joke. Mostly

Aanyway, i think you can wait until a few episodes of mhyk come out to binge them. It starts a bit slow and i was sad it ended so quickly when i watched the first ep. I hope your friend will recover completely from her sickness soon! You said she's better, but still, medical problems are so scary...

Stories will always be here to welcome you back^^ no need to hurry, even though i understand so badly wanting to read but not being in the right mindset or having other issues occupy your time or brainpower instead. I think it took me 4 days to read a 10 chapter story last week, it was baddd. Not the story was bad, my mental state. U get it

[ferrocyan]

not to be a weeb but i do think about tarts personal pronoun changing over the years

in arr its アタシ (atashi, its girly and kinda childish) then changed to ワタシ (watashi, technically proper except being written in katakana suggests shes a bit awkward w it) in hvw except when she avoided using that around edmont or the other high house members (even francel tbh, haurchefant and emmanellain are the only exceptions) then in stb zenos made her slip back to オレ(ore, the masculine pronoun which is rude to use irl but its normal for anime boys. in katakana its more casual) its just one time though tart mumbling to herself abt thinking of zenos as her friend.. best friend... (ominous) or it was until he killed himself and tart fully became an ore girl around the alliance soldiers. she didnt rly like this abt herself tbh... so after falling at the ghymlit dark she told aymeric "うちに帰らせてありがとう" (thanks for bringing me home) うち(uchi) taking on a double meaning as both home and a feminine personal pronoun so it also means "thanks for bringing me back to myself" oh im crazy i dont even speak japanese ignore what i say this probably doesnt work lmaooo [if aymeric ever brings this up again tart will absolutely murder him] anyway so in shb and edw she uses ワタシ again except around reeq she would use オレ tbh but its fine this time its different trust me. anyway the big bombshell is when tart the catboy calls the scions to introduce himself after his "fantasia" and uses 私 (watashi. the normal way you write it) in this context i mean it to say that tart has shed his awkwardness and despite the complicated Circumstances around his gender change he is comfortable in his own skin. so even just from that its easy for the scions to accept who he is now. but then. when the rite of succession is over and tart rejects wuk lamats offer to stay as her companion, he starts to use 自分 (jibun, meaning oneself) why, oh dont worry ab--(a page from the website japanesewithanime dot com falls out of my pocket) "The pronoun jibun 自分 is associated with military officers, police men, detectives, professions that follow a strict rules, and where knowing your place in the hierarchy is fundamental." ahem i said dont worry about it hes not a clear reflection of zoraal ja or anything, definitely not someone feeling like hes losing his place in life bc he doesnt know how to exist as his own person and not a weapon for the military. definitely not a problem so bad that sphene cant stand to see him denying his own personhood and she kills him about it. yeah no its all good. so tart as souleater definitely uses オレさま(oresama, the most pompous male pronoun in existence. however not in kanji like 俺様 bc his ass is faking that pomposity) onstage. in fact he should call himself このオレさま(same thing but with emphasis. you want to smack this brat upside the head so so bad) once it would be so funny. hearing tart say jibun outside the arena gives yaana whiplash but honeyb is just like "okay repressed catholic i know what you are 😒" okay thats all i have to say thanks

[tojiscrack]

Gojo’s beef(?) with Kamo 😭 😭 oh kamo… they could never make me form an opinion on you.

I adoreeee Satoru and yn’s relationship, they're so silly

AND AJSBDIEBDOENEODI SCREW THAT FOUR ARMED FREAK………….

maybe they should just lock Yuji in one of those zoo enclosures every 29th, the ones with the really strong glass, idk curses and cursed energy doesn't exist so he’s kind of nerfed.

omg I can't believe you almost cut the scene with Megumi and his mom 😭 That was probably my favorite scene this chapter. They're so cute and Mamaguro is such a good mom. Wish we could've seen more of her in canon :(

Megumi is sooo real. Ik this is a reader insert fic but if I'm being fr I would 100% be Megumi in this story. LIKE I CANT EVEN BRING MYSELF TO BE UPSET AT HIM FOR HOW PASSIVE HE IS BC I WOULD TOO 😭 I HATE CONFRONTATION. AND I HAVE A CRIPPLING FEAR OF MY FRIENDS DRIFTING OFF OR REPLACING ME

yn being late kind of hurts like it ALWAYS starts off with the small things and next thing you know next chapter MERUPINE SEPARATION ARC.. but it's okay bc they will have a happy ending (trust me on this one…)

I AM VERY ADAMANT IN THE BUTTERFLY THEORY ☝️ yn and megumi are the caterpillars. yn turns into a butterfly and kamo is the other butterfly. IDK WHO THE MOTH IS YET. MAYBE KOKICH/MECHAMARU???? he's pretty mysterious? or maybe Kai lol. I just know mercupine is gonna drift away from each other 😞 it could happen any day now like I'm scared for the angst. I am quivering in my boots. Tojiscrack.. Sumaya.. please save us

anyways this chapter was so peak (like always) ilysm, please don't die 🫶🫶🫶

satoru has one-sided beef with the poor child ☹️ but it’s fine, ‘cause he’s also an adult who understands how teen drama is between teens, and not a man pushing his mid thirties 🌝 ‘cause i did age him up for the sole purpose of being appointed godfather at the right age lmao

‘i adoreeee satoru and y/n’s relationship, they’re so silly’ — i’m glad! i love writing their dynamic ’cause they’re my fav duo to write scenes with (alongside toji and satoru, and megumi and nobara) 😋

‘SCREW THAT FOUR ARMED FREAK’ — LOUDER FOR THE ONES AT THE BACK ☝🏽📢🫨

HAHAHA THE MEME

see, they’d 100% do the whole zoo idea, except the workers would definitely recognise megumi and y/n from the zoo incident of 2009 (when they ended up on national television) 😔

plus, megumi would throw a fit about sukuna leaving something behind in that cage that’ll hurt the next animal that’d be put in there 🌝

‘omg i can’t believe you almost cut the scene with megumi and his mom 😭’ — girl me too! when i saw the praise i got for that scene specifically, i was lowkey gobsmacked, and then sm relief came over me ‘cause if i’d left that out… 😧

i’m happy that i didn’t, tho! <3

IT ALSO ENDED UP BEING UR FAV SCENE TOO? 😭 UGH, THANK GOD I DIDN’T REMOVE IT THEN. this chapter was literally dedicated to you and another artist for ur lovely LL work, i would have hated myself if i left that scene out when you seem to like it so much!

‘wish we could’ve seen more of her in canon :(‘ — realer than real. unpopular take, but what i found most interesting about jjk was the clan politics. like after hidden inventory arc, i loved the beginning of the culling games arc ‘cause we got sm more info on jinichi, ogi, naoya (ew), etc. as well as the gojo clan’s involvement with the zenins.

and if you couldn’t already tell, i love a dysfunctional family dynamic — hence the multiple (insert name) incidents of (insert year) that involve their family 😭

‘i would 100% be megumi in this story’ — literally so true. unfortunately (or i guess it’s more fortunate) i’ve never had a crush on someone irl, but if i ever did, they (and everyone around me) would literally never know ‘cause i wouldn’t speak to them. like, at all 😬

‘LIKE I CANT EVEN BRING MYSELF TO BE UPSET AT HIM FOR HOW PASSIVE HE IS BC I WOULD TOO 😭’ — i think 99% of the readers would, too 💀 but obviously, fanfiction is where they can picture themselves out of their comfort zones, so like, why is the first male lead not making a move when he is so very clearly bothered by the second lead’s involvement.

‘I HAVE A CRIPPLING FEAR OF MY FRIENDS DRIFTING OFF OR REPLACING ME’ — NOOO :( in any case, if that were to ever happen (i’m sure it wouldn’t, you’re amazing) the LL universe will always be here to greet and welcome you back home :) 😋🫶🏽

‘y/n being late kind of hurts like it ALWAYS starts off with the small things and next thing you know next chapter MERUPINE SEPARATION ARC’ — i mean i can’t even not spoil this one. it is gonna start off with little things ‘cause as i mentioned before, this is slow burn like you’ve probably never even read before 😭 (we’re at about 170k words and only ten chapters have been released so far, so that should be ur warning, kinda)

‘I AM VERY ADAMANT IN THE BUTTERFLY THEORY ☝️’ — oh? 👀

‘megumi are the caterpillars. y/n turns into a butterfly and kamo is the other butterfly. IDK WHO THE MOTH IS YET. MAYBE KOKICH/MECHAMARU???? he's pretty mysterious?’ — i literally remember when i got this theory sent to my inbox, and it was by an ao3 reader 😭 i was giggling like crazy that day, it was playing on my mind for hours as i was doing mundane things like the dishes, homework, writing, etc.

‘or maybe Kai lol’ — sigh, no matter how many times i try and distinguish the kai x (insert LL cast member) train, it always finds a way to revive itself 😔🫳🏽🧯… 🔥🚬

‘i just know mercupine is gonna drift away from each other 😞 it could happen any day now like l'm scared for the angst. I am quivering in my boots’ — pls relax 😭 like PLS relax. i would warn you in the notes at the beginning of the chapter if anything angst-worthy is there, yk? and rn, it’s just a couple filler chapters with a side of plot to push this story in the direction it needs to be going.

just wait until the chapters that are set in march of 2020… 👀

‘tojiscrack…’ — HAHAHA i love my username for this

‘sumaya.. please save us’ — may i remind u that i am the one endangering you here 💀

‘anyways this chapter was so peak (like always) ilysm, please don't die 🫶🫶🫶’ — UGHHH I’M SO STOKED YOU LIKED IT SINCE IT WAS PUSHED OUT EARLIER THAN USUAL FOR YOU SPECIFICALLY 🤭 ugh i’m so relieved

ilysm, have a great day/night :)))

[barbatoskisser]

Happy american thanksgiving everyone

Ill go first from my pov

Im thankful for cheeseburgers and smth ultimately basic but true: my friends. Gwbiubely my friends are some of the greatest people in the world and i adore them. I wish i had the ability to doodle us all hanging out from scratch and it not look like a weird blob with limbs from my pov but i dont so i'll find a 4 person friend base image later and rb with it

Of course my friend group isnt just 4 people their essentially 5 main online peoples, including myself (on discord anyway. Archaic isnr on here all that much. And he sort of doesmt count. Ill explain in a sec, but i'll still add him to the post)

@gunterdon

@definesanity

@archaicanathema

@infer8

And myself. Or i could cheat and say @mx-kamisato

Okay so here's the whole mess with archie.

He soley to me technically doesnt count because me and him are boyfriends

...whydoesthatfeelsogiddytosayijustgotafloatyfeeling-

Ahem! Anyway

Yes we're boyfriends.

And its great hes a wonderful lad

I wish i could label all the things i love about this man but then we'll be here all day. I'll simplify it and say that he's incredibly funny (me and him share a sense of humor, thank fuck), he's always extremely kind, when he talks about his favorite things it always brings me so much joy because its just so fun to listen to, i love watching him play warframe even if i cant play it myself, i adore seeing him interact in our friend group and have fun. He brings me a lot of happiness everyday. Its not a "oh rarely i get a high from dating someone" its...every day. Every single day he makes me so thankful and happy he asked me out. He's wonderful and I couldn't ask for soneone better to be my boyfriend.

Okay thats enough being sappy from me!

Yeah i'm thabkfully to venti too but hes not counting since this is a post about /actual friends/ not fictional chars who i (half?) jokingly my husband.

Ahem. So yeah! I'm thankful to those people! Huge shoutout to them! The sillies who are in my life everyday.

Also shoutout to my mutuals in a more general sense!

@unkownknowledge , @pale-value , @avenrose , mf halve person i forgot their user. They liked and rbed s lot of my posts awhile back and j got excjted about them. I may have forgotten their user but i remember you!!

And the rest of the 20 people im mutuals with. My mutual list aint small but its too big for me to remember everyone.

Special shoutput to bones tho. Best comrade. No one forgets @nicebonescomrades i love them. Idk jf theyre pronouns are still she/her but yed. THEM

I hope they come on again someday soon. 100% thanks for existing and being my friend as long as gunter and ryuusei who have been my longest stanring friends on tumblr - actually, no, their just the most iconic. The longest standing froend on tumblr is wisti (if we count her) or artem! I met artem back on my old account and when they still were a big account under thinknoodled i think. They wrote a lot of sagau and when i still was scared shitless of them. Ah, the good old days.

Dont get me wrong they are still terrifying but in a they'd probably bite my ankles off way.

So glad i met everyone here and you all such great, wonderful people. Thank you so much for being in my life. And for the picture i promised, i'll be drawing the main 4 of agar. Soley because i dont knoe how i'd doodle infer. They're great too but i dont know if i would doodle more of their irl self or try to draw their scaley persona thing. Maybe their avatar??? I have no idea. The others i have a general idea.

Alright bye i'll see you guys later. I spent 30 minutes writing this post. Sigh.

[angel-fruitcake]

Hello just need to vent with someone else cause I feel like im stressing all the people around me irl feel free to not answer if you dont want to its ok really ill understand (im just writing this to you cause i saw you posting about it)

Im not american but ive spent the last months watching the campaign (mostly from misha but also in general on the internet) amd i was scared. Then biden stepped down and I felt relieved and hopefull that harris could actually win this cause "whos gonna vote HIM again? Right???" Then (or maybe before ive lost semse of time) the assassination attempt happend and I got scared again cause he had just gained if nothing at least the coolest picture he could ever wish for. But after that so many people, celebrities and not, started endorsing her and I thought there was still hope

I remember how anxious i got in 2020 and the exact moment of relief seeing Georgia going blue. And that was bad because of covid and all the stress of that slow counting but this felt worse

I spent yesterday rewatching destiel episodes to celebrate the anniversary but also to distract myself from the election but at night I just could sleep i was so scared. I talked about it with all my friends and family but they were not feeling it like me. Like tes they were scared a bit but not... not in the same way. Maybe its because its my first year out? Half out (family still doesnt know) like... i fear for the queer people (and in gemeral all the people who might be endangered) in the us cause now i feel more in the community maybe? Idk but I couldnt sleep at all

This morning I woke up and spent the morning on the destiel tag and on the AP map watchung it going redder and redder every hour and now... i dont even know what to feel

Im at loss of words thoughts and feelings. I DONT KNOW

Im scared like if I couldve done somethng for it or if it could directly affect me. It will sure but not today tomorrow or in january. It will be slow and scary and ill have to watch it happen without tje possibility of doing anything about it. Just like i have seen two wars start and my vote been wasted into nothing when my own country elected the far right just this june

Im hopeless and so fucking scared rn and my friends look at me amd dont get why I feel like a lone freak going crazy over somethung i shouldnt care about when I know I actually have to and they should care too and idk how to warn them i dont know what to do

And im not even american. I cant begin to imagine how it feels to know you have even done anythung you could and it changed nothing

So right now I wanna tell you all of you americans that you are not alone. That we are as scared as you are. Maybe it might be totally useless know this but... to me just seeing on line people going nuts makes me feel less crazy so yeah

sorry for the bad english my brain cant think straight rn (or ever lol)

omg anon i'm so sorry i didn't see this until just now !

it's perfectly ok for you to vent in my inbox. let all your fears and worries out, don't bottle them up. i'm glad you at least won't be directly affected in the immediate future, and i hope to god it stays that way.

i'm very scared as well, especially being a woman of reproductive age in america. i live in a red state too, so i already have less freedoms than my friends and family in blue states. i don't know what the future holds for america or the world, and that thought is terrifying. but all we can do right now is cling tight to our loved ones and take care of each other the best we can. i hope things will turn out okay for us all 🫂💕

ps. keep watching those destiel episodes if they bring you even a little bit of comfort. i know they definitely do for me when i feel like i'm being suffocated by the weight of everything around me

[curious-l1ght]

I am now in the headspace where if I don't know your tumblr I will go through your blog.

My trust has just dissapeared.

Never thought I'd experience this. This is the shit that I see in those video essays, can't believe I've actually kind of experienced it.

Its always like: "Oh, that's terrible! I hope that never happens to me. I hope those victims/people who were hurt/people who went through it get better and find peace!"

So it gets worse. It gets really worse. This wasn't exactly supposed to be a vent but it all went downhill.

I talk about suicide and self harm in this.

I hate how she was the one who really got me into Doors. I hate how she was the first person I considered a friend. I hate how that inside joke is ruined now. I hate how she got me familiar with so many things. I hate how I felt bad for her. I hate the fact that I thought I felt like I could relate to her medically. I hate the fact that she was the one who I went to for help. I hate how I asked her for help when I was suicidal. I hate how I relied on her. I hate that I have so many memories with her in them. I hate how I thought we were best friends. I hate how manipulative she is. I hate how she hurt so many people. I hate her

I HATE HER SHITTY APOLOGIES. I HATE HOW THE "APOLOGY" SHE GAVE ME WAS MASSIVE AND FILLED WITH LIES AND MANIPULATION TACTICS. I HATE HOW SHE TRIED TO GUILT TRIP US. I HATE HOW SHE FAKED THINGS THAT PEOPLE GENUINELY SUFFER FROM. I FUCKING HATE HER AND I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

SHE KNOWS IM SUICIDAL. SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF, DOESNT SHE?! SHE JUST FUCKING LOVES TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. EVER SINCE LAST YEAR, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RUINED. HEART SURGERY, CUDA PASSING AWAY, HIGHSCHOOL, IRL FRIENDS THAT HURT ME, GETTING TOLD IM MATURE FOR MY AGE, WANTING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF, LOSING MOTIVATION FOR EVERYTHING, LEARNING THE ONLY GOOD FRIENDS I HAVE ARE SUFFERING IN THEIR OWN WAYS AND ME WANTING TO HELP THEM BUT I CANT, AND NOW THIS?!

THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF! THERES PROBABLY MORE! I JUST WANT TO TEAR MYSELF APART AND KILL MYSELF BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO DIE. IF I DIDNT HAVE ALL OF THESE FEARS I CAN BET YOU ID BE GONE BY NOW.

I'm sorry that I have to rely on so many people in order to not lose it. I wish I didn't have to rely on everyone and make their day worse by bringing her up.

Just fucking leave us alone, selfish asshole.

This wasn't meant to be massive. It was just meant to be everything until I started saying how much I hate things.

I won't be killing myself any time soon. I can't do it because I know how many people would be devastated to see me gone. I had to experience my brother trying, and even though it wasn't successful, I'm still heartbroken from it. That was years ago, too.

Thank you to the people who have been helping me.

I will continue to help others and keep an eye out.

I will make sure people block her.

Just. Block. Her.

[risoria]

going to ramble again for a little bit (im on The Meds(tm) now so my brain actually has the capacity to function to an /extent/…)

i find it very hard to operate social media anymore. i go back to this always but its so draining and so extremely hard to keep having people on social media ignore you whenever you talk about important things - i’m not saying they don’t care, because you can’t know someones inner feelings or thought processes, but it feels just like having a conversation with someone and they just walk off in the middle of it without a word. or they bristle and get offended as soon as they Suspect you’re ~bringing stuff up again and that takes such a big amount of energy to try to sort out when you are a person who cant handle confrontations, like me. and it happens every time - sure you DO make progress and you should be proud of that, for having long and important conversations! but… yeah

i havent used my pets’ IG for over three years but these are the last two posts ive made, one of Avalon by a mirror and one of the pins i make to donate to PCRF. i dont necessarily think that people dont care about Palestine ofc, but i know a lot of my fleeting acquaintances are the ”yes it’s horrible but - why would you even care about that when its happening so far away?” type, and since i overthink everything i can NOT shake the feeling of viewing myself in their lense every single time i post something, esp as it gets like……… a maximum of two solidarity likes from likeminded friends…. the constant ”oh wow, she is weird 🙄” feelng when you move around your IRL coworkers and family etc, as opposed to your curated twitter/tumblr. (… realising now this might be bc multiple family members have mocked me for caring about the genocide but eh….. idk idk oh well)

anyways, my point is that i think social media has lost its plot in a big way - because yes it IS important to have interests and hobbies and to talk about them and get energized from them, so you can deal with doing the organizing and raising awareness and having discussions etc. but it feels futile when an unimportant picture of my bird gets 30 likes and a post about Palestine gets three - because then, of course, I dont want to post my pets anymore if thats all people care about?? and then i will become even more ”””annoying””” to them… like, we could have a normal social media community where we share knowledge and opinions and hobbies and joy etc, but sometimes it feels hard to achieve that…

[angelicyouth]

bro i just realized that most of my happinest comes from imagining myself in fictional scenarios with fictional characters because in the real world i dont really have anyone i feel i can truly trust, so really at this point one of my only sources of happiness is just being somewhat delusional thinking fictional people care about me when in reality i dont know if anyone will truly even care about me in that extent, i dont even think i could even love myself the way i want people to love me because i just see myself as a generally displeasing person to be around because im too much too bear or too confusing or too angry and people dont wanna put up with me and ive just been realizng that for the past months and it makes me wish i was someone else who could be better than whoever i am, i dont even know at this point who i really am and i wish i was better and funnier and not someone who is the embodiment of a dissapointment.i cant even bring myself to talk about my problems to people irl no matter how much id like to because im too scared to be a burden or just seem overexaggrerating so its eating me from the inside and i cant bring myself to be someone i want to be, all i do is just stay in my room all day because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore. thing that i used to like dont seem the same anymore and i just wanna be held by someone and to be told that its okay to not be okay but if someone actually did it would feel like just a big lie because i dont have that much of an excuse to not be okay so really im putting down other people's problems and looking for attention and i feel so guilty for even feeling this way but at the same time i dont wanna let go of these feelings because it feels like if i have them people will actually care about me and ill have someone by my side and if i dont feel sad then nobody would have any reason to pity me and nobody would really wanna hangout with me anymore and it feels so comflicting and it makes me wanna shut myself away from everyone and continue to pretend everything is okay even if nothing feels okay. i wish i was someone else, maybe then nothing like this would happen.

that one relatable moment where you have nobody 2 vent 2 so you vent as an anon 2 a random blog ran by the literal nicest person ever

-mango anon

mango bby :(

first of all—i’m proud of you for being honest with your feelings! i’m sure it took a lot of courage to come forward and to talk about this with someone else so please give yourself some self care in my place for taking that monumental step!

i know that it may not mean much if i say this because of how overused this line is but truly, don’t ever feel bad about what you’re feeling. always remember that the need for attention is normal and common to all humans. it’s not only limited to that but the need for comfort is also normal and common, the need for physical touch is normal, the need for validation, for acknowledgment, for a positive reaction to yourself, a need to express yourself, to talk about yourself, to voice your pain, to feel valued and important—it’s all normal and a part of just being a human being.

so please, don’t beat yourself up over having those. if you’re struggling with some of them particularly, it doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. anyone who doesn’t get those things would go to deprivation mode and end up craving them severely, eventually. those needs should be met at default and as your friend, i always want to ensure that i can readily provide those for you! so don’t feel ashamed for voicing those thoughts to me because i appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me as i genuinely want to help you. i know i may seem like a random blog run by someone you don’t know from the internet but that doesn’t mean my friendship for you is less valid. so please, if you ever need to talk to someone or just need me to listen then always remember that i’m here for you. because how else would i know what to help you with if it’s not said?

and i know that you feel delusional for seeking comfort from fictional characters but that’s simply not true. because personally, through my own writing, what these people say or do are essentially extensions of the authors who use them in their literature. so whenever craig and kenny talk to reader in youth, they’re not just baseless things that are said just cause for the plot. they’re actual words with real meaning and intent to whoever is reading their dialogue. so with that in mind, what they both have said is their words of affirmation and reassurance to you:

feelings aren’t illogical. they aren’t wrong nor are they here for no reason. they aren’t a failure of self control, they aren’t a burden, and they are not an inconvenience. emotions are generated from actual things that happened, they are normal reactions to things that actually happened!! if you feel sad, anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated—even if it seems illogical, there’s a very good reason you feel this way. you aren’t supposed to control how you feel, you aren’t supposed to doubt your emotions. they are always just a reaction, they do not come from you!! they’re not your failure, feeling all this is normal and logical under unbearable circumstances of anything that’s happened.

i hope you will be kinder to yourself babe, you deserve it :< it makes me so, so upset when you can’t see how amazing you are in my eyes and i bet everyone else’s just because of some mistakes you made along the way or any ill feelings you harbor for yourself. i really wish you didn’t beat yourself up so much over them, those mistakes or whatever negative things that have happened don’t define you.

and remember: you’re not stuck the way you are now. every day you have the potential to grow and to learn, and you do grow and learn, all the time! it may not feel like it because it’s so subtle, but you do. the universe won’t let you get stuck, there is so much more to discover and i’ll always be here with you along the way! it’s inevitable to make mistakes, it’s human nature and wouldn’t make sense to be perfect on the get-go. no one is like that. just remember, progress can’t be compared. progress is still progress and slow + steady will still win the race! as long as you’re not changing yourself to cater to someone else’s needs or society’s standards then i will always support your desire to strive for the best version of yourself!!♡

[jet-bradley]

its just really hard to watch how many of my irls back home go out and just do things for fun like go to theme parks and concerts etc together because like, yeah theyre able to do that because they dont have commitments because a lot of them are either a) not in school b) in majors that do not demand as much of your time as engineering, but it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with my degree when it's really just a lot of work that i'm paying somebody else to tell me to do, to what? end up working a dead end job i hate? everybody around me at school is either going into the military or the defense field, and everyone around me at home actually has time to enjoy living. im just working for a degree in a field that has never wanted me. this is probably going to offend some of the arts majors who follow me and im sorry, but it really sucks being the friend studying for a real degree, because i *know* my friendships and relationships suffer cause of my lack of time.

so when i get burnt out or just plain old sick etc its so much worse because its like, i really have no time for myself anymore. every waking moment i hate myself for not doing things that i cant bring myself to do. im bad at things i used to be able to do with no problem and i don't have any motivation or work ethic anymore. and it's not like i have time to abandon my responsibilities to heal, i don't even have time for my physical health anymore. i powered through pneumonia without seeing a doctor because i didn't wanna miss the start of capstone. but it doesnt even matter because my 100% is everyone else's 10% at this point.

like when my mom died my academic advisor gave me shit for dropping my classes when it was time to register for new ones. like i needed fucking attitude for taking time to heal (when i really probably should have just left). this field hates me and i don't have a future in it.

[italiantea]

19, 26, 36 !!

19: A fact about your personality

oh yeesh. tmi hashtag its not that deep rambling ahead:

so a stupid thing about my personality is that i have a deathly aversion to uh. how does one put it. 'being a poser'. my weirdass third culture upbringing has resulted in a considerable level of indifference to 'fitting in'. or perhaps just some heightened sensitivity to that familiar feeling of alienation. either way, i have to do things in a way that feels natural and authentic to me, and am strangely repulsed by the feeling of actively adopting behaviours of a certain group of people. i suppose this stems from some kind of conflict of identity: not a native, not an immigrant, not a tourist, but some secret other thing. a confusion on whether to approach things from the point of view of an insider or outsider when i am neither. something like that. it's probably not that deep. or is it.

anyway this manifests itself in various ways. for example, i cannot bring myself to adopt a new name, even though i have had more than plenty opportunities to do so, both irl and online. i know multiple languages but can never bring myself to use internet slang from a different cultural sphere (<- you will never find me saying wwwww. i will cringe to death before that happens.) i have a hard time calling myself a member of a category of people (artist. athlete. engineer. nonbinary. part of a certain fandom,,,) i'm also just a pretty emotionally detached person in general who experiences genuine passion for very few things, and i find it very hard to feign interest in things even if it would be more convenient or polite to do so. ever since the day in first grade when i first asked my older brother how to make powerpoint presentations, ive spent a stupid amount of time agonizing over writing genuine essays instead of just typing up some bullshit. (i have wasted...so much time... on things that dont matter...) and i feel bad whenever friends send me an excited text gushing about something and my response is all deadpan. like literally i could just add some exclamation points and it would be better but i cant even bring myself 2 do that because it feels fake😐

anyway this is not to say any of the above mentioned behaviours are being fake or a poser or cringe or whatever. im just personally allergic to doing it because my brain is stupid. if you're one of those people who can just decide on day you want to go by the name Sock then go off, all the more power to you

26: My biggest pet peeves

hm. noisy people, i guess? there was a kid in my class in high school who had the Loudest most obnoxious reverberating voice who would invite all his drama club friends over to our classroom during lunch break and i Could Not stand him. other than that, sudden announcements of plans too close to the date

36: Where I would like to live

hmm, cant think of a specific place but somewhere with good public transport. convenient shopping nearby. maybe some greenery, idk.