#even with how blatantly impressive and how fucking amazing these movies look people still see animation as beneath live action. shut up

[pissfizz]

I don’t get how people can watch spiderverse and still say “I hope until they make a live action miles movie” like motherfucker. You are watching the most amazing, visually stunning, the most impressive piece of art to ever exist in a movie and you’re saying you’d rather see this character in live action?

[gagmebucky]

hiiii i wrote this awhile ago but took it down because i was 👉🏼👈🏼 embarrassed about it (because i do not have the skill to pull off peter parker) and sorta still am but everyone’s been so nice to me about it i thought the best way to repay the kindness by posting it for those who did like it 😅 (originally inspired by spider man 2 with andrew garfield but loosely set in the 2018 issue of the amazing spider-man.)

in which the guys are making fun of peter and accidentally see a video of him fucking you. (includes avenger!peter x girlfriend!you, peter’s pov, voyeur!steve and voyeur!bucky, a sex tape featuring d/s dynamics, bondage, praise kink, exhibitionism, unprotected sex.) 

do not repost.

—

Despite being twenty-one years old; a proper adult who lives with his high school sweetheart, a photographer doubling as a seven-year veteran vigilante in the dangers of New York, Peter Parker is still considered as a super-powered amateur to his seasoned peers. 

Nonetheless, given his success in countless battles in the state, country, world and even galaxy-wide, he more than qualifies to hold the title of Avenger; it’s official now. A laid-back induction ceremony and his very own identity card: a sturdy rectangle, shiny with full clearance and all. Yet, as an official member, his teammates still treat him like he’s that same goofy, out-of-his-depths sixteen year old.

To be fair, yes, his style of heroism isn’t the most serious. He favors levity in the face of danger, a cheeky flare with smart quips and an infuriating grin. Even after taking a beating from the worst of foes, his demeanor never wavers because in the end, he wins. The villains are slayed and the people are saved, even comforted by the boyishly confident way he works. 

But beyond that persona, he has grown into a skilled warrior. On that note, he wants to be regarded as such—at least, to a certain extent. The jokes and teasing, poking fun at his age or the shenanigans he gets himself into, don’t bother him. No, his playful wit handles it with relative ease, and he’s a good sport about it. The only thing that he’d want to see change is some recognition that he isn’t a naïve kid anymore and is fully capable of taking charge when needed.

With his recent acceptance into the gifted pantheon, he’s intent on making that known. The jesting can continue but he wants it to be with an understanding of his capabilities. Luckily, a perfect opportunity has presented itself to showcase his abilities: a training session. 

He’s late. And yes, he knows that’s probably not a good impression to make.

In his own defense, it isn’t technically his fault. He forgot that you, his personal alarm clock (amongst other things), left early this morning because you volunteered to help his aunt move. Four years of mornings and nights, he’s gotten used to—and prefers—your languorous wake-up call.

Without your reminder, he regains consciousness fifteen minutes after the scheduled time and ends up scrambling to the compound. In a flurry, he throws on his suit—unknowingly backwards, he realizes later—trips at least three times over his own footing before he finally springs out of the balcony with webbed bursts.

When he reaches his destination, Captain America and the Winter Soldier are unimpressed; mid-simulation, it powers down. Both super-soldiers whirl around to face him, fixing raised eyebrows at his disheveled arrival.

He adjusts his now front-facing suit and shuffles forward into the space with as much confidence as an interrupter can have. “H - hey, guys,” Peter greets sheepishly and manages what he hopes is a charming smile, absentmindedly fidgeting with his phone. “Lookin’ good for a couple of geezers.” 

Unfortunately, Steve Rogers is not charmed or disillusioned from the tardiness. “You’re late, Parker.” His arms fold, and he shakes his head when punctuating his disapproval with an echoing, “Again.” 

Thankfully, to his right, more relaxed and cool, Bucky Barnes steps up. “C’mon, Stevie. Y’can’t be that surprised,” he chimes in matter of factly, contrasting against his friend with amusement sparkling in his blue eyes. “What’d you expect with Parker?” He gestures at the younger superhero. “Kid’s gonna be late to his own wedding.”

(Beside the point, but worth noting, he will not be late to meeting you at the altar. That is, of course, if you accept when he pops the question. Which is going to happen relatively soon, considering he has the ring in his nightstand drawer.)

The consult seems to relax him. “Yeah, I guess you’re right and—Peter, you—seriously, man?!” Steve sputters the last bit when he glanced over to see him blatantly check the notification that’s vibrated in his hand (on the device that is ruled to be stowed away during training). “Now the phone?!” 

Even though he shouldn’t, being on thin ice with Cap and all (pun not intended), Peter’s gaze flickers down to see your contact name appear on the screen, and he can’t resist. While Bucky guffaws a laugh at his audacity, he’s swiping up to pull up your text thread. 

> you 😛❤️🥰, 10:37AM: spider boyyyyy you’ll never guess what i found in a box labeled ‘peter’s junk’ ;;;)

peter, 10:37AM: those magazines are NOT mine and i don’t know how they got there.

> you 😛❤️🥰, 10:38AM: not quite but close, naughty boy

> you 😛❤️🥰, 10:38AM: for a man who depends on keeping secrets and a penchant for home movies, you might ought to keep a lock on your phone unless you want someone to see me like this...

> you 😛❤️🥰, 10:38AM: (video attached)

Immediately, he recognizes the pornographic thumbnail. One glance, and he’s remembering the first couple of times you guys explored the exhibitionism side of things. It was at the end of his freshman year of college and taped on a phone he thought he had lost. But he must've forgotten it at his aunt’s house, and she tossed it in the box until you came along. 

Although there’s been plenty more made, he recalls that one being a shared favorite, his especially. When long-distance duty calls, it was his go-to media. The angles, your face and body beneath the lights, the sounds it caught, you once asked if he considered switching to cinematography instead of photographer

Subconsciously, his teeth run over his bottom lip, feeling that blazing spark of desire igniting in the pit of his gut, partially at the memory and partially at what’ll happen once you guys can re-watch it together; his thumbs start typing away with that message.

“Peter!” Steve’s exasperated voice snaps, but to no avail—the real gall of the youngster, or the effect of you. His weight shifts toward his best friend, and he nudges him with his elbow. “Kids these days!” The hundred-something year old’s gaze cocks a brow back over. “Is that why you were late? Blowing off training to text your girlfriend?”

The text delivers with an audible bloop. Finally, his concentration gives, and he can look up, though his expression is clueless from the last minute. “Huh?” His brain registers what he missed, and he winces. “Sorry, Cap. My bad.”

Bucky chuckles. “Give him a break, Steve,” he faux comes to his defense, a teasing quality underlying his tone. “He’s young and in love. It’s not his fault he’s pussy-whipped.” He cracks him an antagonizing grin as Peter rolls his eyes. “He can’t go an hour without sending those little weird pictures with heart eyes, or she might not know he’s thinking about her.”

“As if you know anything about romance, old man,” he fires back and presses past them with squared shoulders, correcting him quite seriously: “And they’re called emojis, by the way. But that’s not what I was doing, if you want to know so bad.”

The brunette tilts his head thoughtfully, and small hackles arise for reasons he doesn’t understand, or pay attention to. “You know, I do want to know really badly,” Bucky decides and poses a question to his left, “Wouldn’t you, too, Steve? Aren’t you curious what his girlfriend sent that was so much more important than training?”

The blond mimics his actions and clicks his tongue. “Yeah, I am.” 

Peter’s eyebrows pinch while his skin tingles and the hair on the back of his neck stands straight up. “What—” Before his senses process it, one of the super-soldiers plucks his phone out of his hands and darts back beside his best friend. His jaw drops as he tries to follow after him. “Bucky, you asshole—”

“Some spidey senses, huh?” The Winter Soldier lifts it high over his head, utilizing his six-foot stature against his five-ten like elementary school bullies do and older siblings to their juniors. “Haven’t ‘cha heard about sharing with the class?” He laughs and practically stiff-arms him to squint up at the screen. “Aw, he can’t wait to see her. What’s it been, more than two hours since you two saw each other last?” 

Conceding to the height difference, Peter stops his physical efforts and diverts it to someone reasonable. “Cap, you gonna help me out here?” he addresses the entertained onlooker in the most friendly voice he can manage. 

“The kid’s got separate anxiety not just from his girlfriend but phone too, Buck,” Steve drawls with a lopsided curve of his lips. He side-steps Peter to stand next to Bucky, and for a second, he thinks he’s on his side despite the tease, but he simply adds a stern, “So be careful. You don’t want to break it, or Parker will have a fit.”

Peter crosses his arms and scowls. “Ha, ha,” he retorts dryly, only somewhat amused by their banter. He tilts his head up at them, and the duo look thoroughly pleased with themselves. “You know, you guys are kind of dicks.”

“No, we’re your mentors, kid,” Steve corrects with a wink and rests his arm on his friend’s shoulder. “This is a lesson. No phones—” He jabs his thumb back in reference to the device’s unlocked screen: “—when you’re supposed to be training.” 

“Yeah,” Bucky chimes in upon glancing up from his phone. “And a little advice, women don’t like clinginess. Try being a little more stern and see how that works for you. If you’re able to manage that. But I won’t hold it against ya if you can’t.”

“Uh-huh,” Peter patronizes with a bob of his head, biting back a response pointing out the hundred-something year old’s inexperience. Instead, he focuses on the electronic readily loaded up with some private content. With that, he decides to do the rational and mature thing and ask nicely. “Noted. So, uh, can I have my phone back now?” 

To his shock, Bucky merely flashes a smirk and his thumb scrolls half-heartedly over the thread. Thereafter, he leans toward Steve and raises his cell for him to see. “Oh, look, it’s a video,” he teases. “What could Y/N send that would take priority of training?” 

There’s an unspoken let’s see then a metal finger taps the play button. Before Peter can think, much less react, Captain American and the Winter Soldier are watching how he effortlessly renders his pretty little girlfriend into a cute nonsensical yet eager mess— 

In his point-of-view shot, the ratio holds in portrait view in a bid to capture every bit of you. Above you, the camera focuses on you and your beautifully debauched state beneath warm lighting where it’s unalienable that the camera was made for you. 

Your eyes are dilated brightly, desperate with desire as your lashes flutter up at him. A sheen coats your features and glistens like glitter at the highest points of your face while the shape of your face is framed by your stretched arms. 

Your wrists are bound over your head, splotched with expertly sprayed strong, white webs. The mesh sticks them together in a criss-cross, comfortable but nearly impossible to break out of, fixed in place atop his headboard. The tautness tugs a mild strain on your figure so your breasts are jutting out like an offering, and it’s obvious he’s taken advantage of it. Darkened marks adorn your glowing complexion, peppered across your décolletage with imprints of his teeth; including your nipples, sucked swollen and tender. 

The angle trails down until it reveals the sight of him mercilessly pounding inside of you. His better-than-average girth is sliding in and out of your tight channel; slicked in shared translucent essence, creaming around the base, your inner walls visibly clinging to his cock with every backward stroke. His hand splays on your mound, using his thumb to abuse your engorged clit. He easily keeps the sensitive nub pinned under his control despite your wildly twisting hips. 

Like the display, the soundtrack is equally obscene. Loud, your stuffed depths gush and squelch as skin slaps rhythmically. Your breathy, wanton moans overshadow both, drawn out whimpers, almost nonsensical other than the syllable of his name. A melody of neediness, you sound so fucking pretty, (depraved, like a whore, you once told him during your little film marathon with a sly smile), and for him specifically.

The frame pans upward and confirms you look just as good. A perfect mess, unhinged by the skilled ministrations of your boyfriend. Passion beads on your forehead like reflections off of a diamond. Panting, your lips are plumped from kissing parted with mewls of pleasure. 

“P - please—I need to—can I - I please—” You’re begging like the sweet little thing you are, incoherent babbling the result of his excessive edging. Of course, you know better than to give into the sensations ravaging you; instead you ignore your visceral desire and ask him for your release. “Peter, please!” 

A deep chuckle vibrates behind the camera as his big hand slides into view, trailing over your jiggling tits to the slope of your throat. “Maybe,” he says breathily and grasps the line of your jaw between his fingers. “Open your mouth first, babe.” 

No more preamble necessary, you follow his direction, your pink tongue flat over your Cupid’s bow. Immediately, a long string of his saliva drips into view and onto your taste buds; the vulgar act is accepted with a swallow and a quivering moan of, “T - thank you.” 

“Good girl,” he praises huskily, and the voiced approval has you visibly shivering. “Alright, then, pretty girl. Make it good for me, and c’mon—”

Before your otherworldly reckoning washes over you and his teammates can watch your bliss immortalized in film, Peter snatches his property back. 

Not much force is necessary as Bucky’s grip has been stunned loose. A dark expression permeates on young hero’s face but not because of embarrassment; if he was still nineteen or eighteen, he would’ve been mortified that his titular superiors caught a depraved glimpse of his sex life, on both his and your behalf. Rather than, there’s just a flit of annoyance when he folds his arms.

“Shit,” Bucky is the first to speak, exhaling the swear raggedly. His blue pupils have widened in obvious attraction, dilated dark, blinking rapidly as if it’ll help calm him down from the clip of you, his innocent seeming girlfriend, all ruined and begging. “Parker, fuck, I - I didn’t know you got down like that.” 

There’s a swell in his chest, pride beating steadily while he remains reticent-faced. He prefers you keep your bedroom activities secluded there. Yeah, he likes to be in control and you like to be controlled but it’s only in a sexual nature. Yet, their reactions—stunned, embarrassed and viscerally affected—surges smug satisfaction he’s never known before through his veins. 

Even the prestigious Captain America is bothered, though he may try to hide it. He clears his throat, a flustered pink coloring his cheeks. “Peter, uh,” he says, barely maintaining the confidence to look him in the eye after witnessing his girlfriend like that. “We - we shouldn’t have invaded your privacy like that.” 

“Uh-huh,” is Peter’s response, a hint of a smirk curling on one side of his lips. “Why don’t you guys call me after you’re finished with your cold showers, and we can actually train. Until then, I’m gonna go to my girl who’s more than eager to handle mine.” He pauses. “Maybe if you guys ask nice enough, I might let her show you how well I’ve trained her.”

[the-desolated-quill]

Why Spider-Man Leaving The MCU Is The Best News I’ve Heard In Ages - Quill’s Scribbles

Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Did you hear the news? I’d be surprised if you didn’t. EVERYONE has heard the news by now. A couple of days ago it was reported that the deal between Marvel and Sony that allowed the two studios to share custody for the rights of Spider-Man has fallen through. Spider-Man is no longer going to be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Speaking as someone who is not only a big Spider-Man fan, but also a very vocal critic of the current state of Marvel and Disney’s cynical and convoluted ‘shared universe’, this caused quite a reaction when I first heard the news. I’m as happy as a man who just found out his high school crush likes him back on the same day he won the lottery. Happy, but not surprised. In fact I’m more surprised that other people were surprised by the news. The deal Marvel and Sony managed to strike was almost unheard of. Two rival movie studios in mutual cooperation. Never thought I’d see the day. But if you thought this was going to be the new norm, then I’m afraid you don’t understand this industry. I knew, or at least suspected, that once Sony had a hit on their hands, they’d cut ties with Marvel and Disney. It was only a matter of time. Now that Spider-Man: Far From Home has made over a billion dollars at the box office and now they have found success with their own non-MCU films, Venom and Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse, the simple fact of the matter is they don’t need Marvel or Disney anymore. So they’ve flown the coop. Yes it’s possible they could renegotiate the deal, but given how unlikely the prospect of the initial deal was in the first place, I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. It’s more likely they’re going to take their ball and go home. Sony’s Universe Of Marvel Characters (despite its incredibly clunky name) is now going to be firmly built upon and expanded, and I for one could not be more excited.

Of course not everyone shares my excitement. Disney, for one thing, aren’t happy. Nor are the cast. Jeremy Renner has made his views clear, begging Sony to give the rights to Spidey back. (Perhaps he should focus more on his own character Hawkeye, considering what a mess he’s become). Die hard MCU fans aren’t pleased neither. Same goes for ‘celebrity’ fans like Kevin Smith, a filmmaker who preferred to be called a comic book expert on the Venom Blu-Ray bonus features presumably because he hasn’t actually been relevant as a filmmaker since the 90s. (it’s worth reading his thoughts just for a laugh. He honestly thinks Disney aren’t greedy, corporate bastards. ROFL). And of course the so-called ‘professional’ critics, who for years have deluded themselves into thinking the MCU is actually good, have been writing their own little think pieces about what all this means. Can Spider-Man possibly survive without Iron Man and pals to prop him up? To which the answer is obviously yes. Sony had the rights to Spidey for fourteen years before the Marvel deal. They made five Spider-Man movies, four of which were massive box office successes. They also released Venom and Spider-Verse last year. Both hugely successful and the latter even won an Oscar, which is one more Oscar than Marvel Studios have ever won (sorry Black Panther. You were robbed).Can Spider-Man survive outside the MCU? Gee I don’t know. I guess somehow Sony will find the strength to soldier on without them.

Although, that being said, there’s not as many journalists siding with Disney as I thought there would be. There are quite a few articles explaining how this split could help Spidey in the long run, which is both absolutely true and refreshing to see. Hopefully this is a sign that we’re finally turning a corner and critics are starting to use their brains again. Like how everyone worshipped the ground Steven Moffat walked on until Sherlock Series 4 where everyone realised that he’s actually shit and has always been shit. 

Spider-Man leaving the MCU is the best thing you could do for the character at this stage. The way he’s been treated since joining the Marvel clusterfuck has been nothing short of appalling. I’ve made it no secret how much I detest this version of Spider-Man and some might dismiss what I’m about to say out of hand, perhaps claiming I’m biased because I’ve said numerous times that I love The Amazing Spider-Man films starring Andrew Garfield. Two films I will go to my grave defending because they were bloody good movies. People were just butt hurt because it wasn’t Spider-Man 4. Never mind the fact that the original Sam Raimi films were never that good to begin with (seriously, have any of you actually watched Spider-Man 2 recently? Trust me. It’s not as good as you remember it). No, I promise you that if MCU Spidey existed in a vacuum, I would still hate him just as much for the simple reason that he has absolutely nothing in common with the source material. Under the watchful, Orwellian eye of Marvel, they took Spider-Man, a character most famous for being a working class everyman, and turned him into the most spoilt and privileged little bum-balloon I’ve ever seen.

Spider-Man: Homecoming was a terrible movie. Plain and simple. A cynically produced, written by committee, pile of wank that gets so much of Spidey’s character and story completely wrong, it’s almost impressive. No longer a teenager/young adult struggling to balance his superhero life, his school work, his career and his social life, instead we got a groomed Mary Sue who doesn’t have to fight for anything because everything is basically handed to him on a silver platter courtesy of Iron Man. We never see him struggle. He’s not relatable. He never has to face consequences for his actions. He misses God knows how many classes and debate group meetings and yet he never gets punished for it. Sure he gets sent to detention a couple of times, but we see him leave whenever he bloody wants to. It’s just boring. If there’s no struggle, where’s the tension? And the less said about the villain, the better. Taking an eccentric antagonist like the Vulture and turning him into the stereotypical blue collar dad trying to provide for his family has got to be one of the most uninspired and blatantly lazy bits of characterisation I think I’ve ever seen. And that’s not to mention the supporting cast. Aunt May is youthed for no reason other than to make sexist jokes at her expense with every man that comes within her general vicinity staring at her with their tongues hanging out and eyes as large as saucepans. Minor villains like Shocker and the Tinkerer have their characters reduced to unfunny comedy sidekicks. And then there’s Peter Parker’s gang of racial stereotypes. We have Peter’s best friend, the fat and nerdy Ned who has no real personality other than being fat and nerdy (and is without a doubt the most annoying character in the damn film). Flash has been racebent so now he’s the stereotypical arrogant Asian prick. Michelle has no character other than being the same sassy black teenager who don’t give a shit, a caricature so old now it’s practically been fossilised. And then there’s the love interest Liz, a character so bland and one dimensional that I had to look her name up. Oh and lets not forget that the majority of this Spider-Man’s story was nicked from Miles Morales because people are only going to empathise with his story if it revolves around a white kid, am I right?

You know, I get so frustrated whenever people slag off the Amazing Spider-Man movies and claim that these new movies are better because... well... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I’m sorry, but I was much more invested with Peter and Gwen than I ever was with Peter and... what’s her face? Or Peter and Michelle (who I categorically refuse to call MJ because she’s not MJ, is she? They just used the initials to pander to gullible fans. They didn’t have the guts to just make Mary Jane Watson black, did they? Of course not! We don’t want to alienate the casual racists, do we? They’re our main demographic after all). The reason why Peter and Gwen worked is because they’re well-written, three dimensional characters with great chemistry and whom we actually spend a significant amount of time getting to know. So when Gwen dies at the end of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, it becomes a heart wrenching moment because we’ve grown invested in this character and this relationship. If Michelle were to die in a future movie, I honestly wouldn’t bat a fucking eyelid. Even Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst had more chemistry than those two, and that relationship was a total shambles from start to finish.

It also helps that Peter and Gwen felt like real people. I loved the scene in the first movie where Peter awkwardly asks her out because it reminded me so much of how I asked my first girlfriend out. And that’s why I love the Amazing Spider-Man movies. Because out of all the Spidey films we’ve had over the past 17 years, the Amazing ones are the only ones in my opinion that manage to capture the humanity of the character. As fantastical as the world is, the characters, their relationships and their dilemmas are grounded firmly in reality. Homecoming on the other hand is just embarrassing. Despite casting teenage actors, none of the teenagers actually act like teenagers. They act like five year olds. It’s painfully obvious that the filmmakers are trying to pander to young kids and they clearly don’t know how to write them. Again, this is where the Amazing movies stands head and shoulders above the others. They’re not treated like kids or teenagers. They’re treated like people. Real people. Same goes for the villains. (Yes, even Electro, despite wonky execution).

But the main criticism people have with MCU Spidey is that these films aren’t actually about Spidey. They’re really about the MCU mascot Iron Man.

Now to be clear, I don’t necessarily have a problem with the idea of Iron Man being a surrogate father figure to Spidey. It could work. Captain America: Civil War, despite the clunky and contrived way in which Spidey was introduced to the MCU (oh you just happened to know about a masked vigilante we haven’t seen or heard of until now Tony? Okay. What about Daredevil and Luke Cage?... What do you mean they’re not in the movie?), did a good job of setting up the dynamic. Namely that Tony doesn’t actually care about Peter or his well being, merely using him for his own ends. Unless Americans have some kind of ‘Bring Your Child To A Warzone Day’  I don’t know about. 

Despite its flaws, Civil War was good because it gave us an unsettling look at the characters we’ve been watching for years. We see Captain America consumed by his own naivety and idealism to the point where he can no longer see the bigger picture and we see Iron Man go from being an industrial capitalist to an authoritarian fascist. Homecoming could have followed up on that. Have Spidey realise that Tony doesn’t have his best interests at heart, reject him as a father figure and grow into his own man. Instead the movie seems to go out of its way to undo all the interesting things Civil War brought to the table. Of course Tony cares about Peter! Oh and his relationship problems with Pepper Potts have been magically fixed off screen and now they’re getting married! Relax people, it’s okay! Nothing morally complicated going on here! We apologise for assuming you’re actually intelligent and promise never to make you think about anything ever again!

Not only is this quite insulting to the audience, it also negatively impacts Spidey’s arc. Turns out the movie isn’t about Spider-Man becoming his own man. It’s about him proving he can be an Avenger. He’s constantly in the shadow of Iron Man and, more to the point, we’re supposed to be happy that he’s in the shadow of Iron Man.

Again, this is where the Amazing Spider-Man gets it right. The first movie is very much about father figures. Uncle Ben, Curt Connors and Gwen’s dad all play a role in Peter’s growth and development over the course of the film. He’s able to take all the lessons and advice he gets from the three and use them to become his own man. As director Marc Webb so eloquently put it, ‘it’s a story about a kid who grows up looking for his father and finds himself.’ Compare that to the current iteration of Spidey where Uncle Ben doesn’t even appear to exist in this continuity because he’s been completely supplanted by Iron Dad. Remind me again why people think the Amazing movies are shit?

The latest film, Spider-Man: Far From Home, is no better. Same problems as before only this time Mysterio gets MCU’d to death. Instead of the pathetic loser trying desperately to receive recognition for his talents, we basically get a rehash of the plot from Iron Man 3, which in turn was a rehash of the plot from The Incredibles. Mysterio is basically trying to supplant Iron Man because he got screwed over when he used to work for Stark, and it’s up to everyone’s favourite wall-crawler to stop him because there’s only room in this universe for one Iron Boy. Even when Iron Man is dead, he’s still front and centre of the fucking narrative. Here’s a bright idea. How about we make a Spider-Man film that’s actually, you know, about Spider-Man? (Oh yeah, spoiler alert, Iron Man dies in Avengers: Endgame. Not that it’s really spoiling anything because Endgame is a big piece of shit).

Here’s the thing. Everyone is blaming Sony for the deal breaking down, and okay, I’m not going to pretend that Sony aren’t cynical. As much as I love The Amazing Spider-Man movies, I’m well aware the only reason they exist is because Sony desperately wanted to keep the rights. They spent a stupid amount of money on The Amazing Spider-Man 2 to the point where it needed to make a billion dollars at the box office in order to make a decent profit (a feat only achieved at that time by Batman with The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises) and they crammed loads of characters and plot points into an already overstuffed movie in order to rush out their own shared universe to compete with Marvel. When that didn’t work, they went crawling to Marvel and Disney in the hopes that the MCU could bail them out of the shit. I get it. There’s plenty to criticise. But for the likes of Kevin Smith and other idiots to only blame Sony and defend Marvel is really quite galling to me because Marvel and Disney are just as cynical, if not more so.

Does anyone here actually know what the deal was? Basically the agreement was that Kevin Feige would get lead producer credit for any solo Spider-Man films and Marvel and Disney would get five percent of the cut. Meanwhile Spider-Man would be allowed to appear in any MCU film. Also, because Sony still hold the rights to the character, they get the final say on any creative decision regarding Spider-Man. Or at least that’s the theory anyway. In reality that wasn’t the case. Reportedly Marvel and Disney were so anal about keeping the plot of Avengers: Endgame a secret that they didn’t tell the screenwriters of Spider-Man: Far From Home what happens in the bloody film. And considering that the film follows directly on from Endgame, that’s quite a problem. Sony may have creative control over Spider-Man, but Marvel and Disney can still call the shots, deliberately sabotaging Sony in order to boost hype for their own films. Also Sony are actually worse off in this deal because Marvel and Disney are the ones making all the money. Spider-Man has appeared in three MCU films. Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame. All three of these films made Marvel and Disney over a billion dollars at the box office. Sony meanwhile have only made two Spidey movies, Homecoming and Far From Home, only one of which has made over a billion and both of which Marvel and Disney get five percent of the profit. Now that Sony have finally got their billion dollar Spider-Man movie, Marvel and Disney had the cheek to propose that Sony share fifty percent of the profits with them. Because it’s not enough for Marvel and Disney to be making shit tons of money off their own films. No. They also want as much money as they can get out of films made by other studios that are only tangentially related to their’s. God forbid a movie studio should be allowed to keep all the profits from their movie.

So yeah, I’m glad Sony have split and are free to make their own movies again. Because Disney have got such a strangle hold on the entire industry that I’m always happy to see any studio or IP slip through their fingers. And I’m not the only one who thinks this. Do you know who else agrees with me? Stan Lee’s own daughter.

In an interview with TMZ, Joan Lee slammed Disney for their lack of compassion when her father passed away:

“When my father died, no one from Marvel or Disney reached out to me. From day one, they have commoditised my father’s work and never shown him or his legacy any respect or decency. In the end, no one could have treated my father worse than Marvel and Disney’s executives.”

She then went on to support Sony’s decision to break the deal with Marvel, saying ‘whether it’s Sony or someone else’s, the continued evolution of Stan’s characters and his legacy deserves multiple points of view.’

And do you know what? She’s right. She’s absolutely right.

While people were celebrating when Disney bought 20th Century Fox because the X-Men and Fantastic Four were finally going to be part of their precious shared universe, I was watching in absolute horror because nobody was actually talking about the ramifications of this. Disney serves as a cautionary tale of what happens when capitalism goes unchecked. Seeing this mega-corporation consume and absorb other major studios like some Lovecraftian monster is both frightening and heartbreaking for me because the industry is going to be so much lesser for it. Less studios means less movies are going to be produced. It also means less variety in the entertainment we consume. Marvel and Disney have already done their utmost to homogenise and dumb down every MCU film to the point where most of them all feel the same, look the same and have nothing unique or creative about them whatsoever. And now we’re on the cusp of seeing that potentially happening to my most favourite superhero in the whole wide world:

Thanks to the Disney buyout, plans for X-Force and Deadpool 3 have been placed on indefinite hold with people reckoning we won’t see the Merc with the Mouth again until Phase 5 (Christ, give me strength) of the MCU so that Marvel and Disney can work out exactly how to fit him into their shared universe. Naturally the R rated nature of the character makes him difficult to integrate into the PG-13 MCU. Some have suggested toning down the character. Even David Leitch, the director of Deadpool 2, said they could make a PG-13 version of the character, which just feels like such a massive betrayal. After literally years of Ryan Reynolds, director Tim Miller, screenwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and the fans fighting tooth and claw to get an R rated Deadpool movie green-lit, it sickens me whenever I see people discussing how a PG-13 Deadpool wouldn’t be so bad and that they just want to see him pop up in an Avengers movie.

Here’s a suggestion. If you can’t make someone like Deadpool fit into the MCU, STOP TRYING TO FUCKING DO IT! Let him be his own separate thing! I’ve got no problem with that! But no. Everything has to be connected to this idiotic shared universe, but here’s the thing, I really don’t fucking care. I couldn’t give two shits if Deadpool and Captain America were to meet in a movie. I just want to see X-Force and Deadpool 3. I just want some good fucking movies. Is that really too much to ask?

The MCU, and by extension Disney, are slowly ruining the industry with this shared universe crap and I’m getting so bloody sick of this. Not only does the premise have absolutely nothing new to offer at this point, it’s also ruining the quality of standalone movies. Instead of telling compelling stories with likeable characters, they’re just adverts for more movies to come with nothing unique to offer. Oooooh, can the Avengers stop Thanos and unkill everyone who we know aren’t really dead because they all have fucking sequels planned? Tune in next week to confirm what you already bloody know! I don’t give a fuck what you’ve got planned for me down the road in ten or fifteen movies time. Right now I’m stuck here at a service station and I’ve got no fucking sandwiches.

Off the top of my head, the only MCU films I can think of that I’ve watched in recent memory and I’ve actually enjoyed are Captain America: Civil War and Black Panther. And do you know why? Because they actually have something to say. They’re not focused on teasing the next bullshit spinoff movie. Black Panther in particular has little to no connection with the rest of the MCU. It works as its own standalone piece and has its own unique voice, commenting on how black people are viewed in society. Civil War takes elements from previous films and goes in an entirely new direction with them, exploring the faults in our beloved Avengers and questioning their role as superheroes. It offers something beyond a tease for the next film. It poses thought provoking questions about the characters and forces us to confront some harsh truths about them. But in an environment like the MCU, where everything is pre-planned by committee, there’s no room for creativity or expression, which means the few good movies get stifled. It’s impossible to continue the themes of Civil War because Homecoming exists to contradict everything. Black Panther is an amazing and impactful movie, but its impact is lessened thanks to Infinity War where we see the Wakandans reduced to little more than cannon fodder so that the real heroes can fight the baddie.

It’s frustrating to see people blindly accept and support the poisonous business model of Marvel and Disney because it’s not normal, it’s not benefiting the industry at large and it’s not even financially viable in the long term. Marvel Studios’ success revolves around one franchise. What happens when the shared universe/comic book movie bubble bursts and people eventually stop watching these films? (and it will happen because it always happens. That’s how trends work). They’re going to be up shit street, aren’t they? At least Warner Bros have Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings to fall back on. Their future isn’t entirely dependant on the success of the DCEU (thank God, some might say).

Also it’s worth noting that studios are slowly starting to move away from the shared universe format. Before the buyout, 20th Century Fox were taking risks with smaller budget, standalone movies like Deadpool and Logan. After the disaster that was Justice League, Warner Bros and DC have recently started focusing more on standalone movies to great success. Aquaman and Shazam, while still part of the DCEU, work as their own independent films. We’ve also got Joker being released in a couple of months time, which I think everyone should be paying really close attention to, because if Joker is critically and commercially successful, it could very well serve as the death knell for the concept of a shared universe. Definitive proof that you don’t need twenty movies and interconnecting stories with massive budgets to be successful. All you need is a very good idea.

Even Sony have finally learnt their lesson. They’ve taken a risk with Into The Spider-Verse and received an Academy Award for their trouble. As for Sony’s Universe Of Marvel Characters, they’re already off to a strong start with Venom. And mercifully they’re not making the same mistakes they did with the Amazing Spider-Man 2 or Ghostbusters. They’re not spending ridiculous amounts of money with unrealistic expectations of success and they’re no longer putting the cart way before the horse. They’re focusing on making a good movie first and worrying about potential expansion later. Venom may not be a masterpiece, but it’s a hell of a lot more entertaining and fulfilling than the majority of MCU films because it tells a complete story with a beginning, middle and end and it has well developed characters that we actually like and grow attached to. And if worst comes to the worst and Sony’s next film, Morbius, doesn’t do well, then they have Venom 2 to fall back on. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll still have Spider-Verse. They are no longer putting all their eggs in one basket and that’s good. That’s the smart thing to do.

Can you imagine something like Venom in the MCU? Of course not! Because Venom has its own unique tone and vision. That’s why it was so successful with audiences. Its mix of dark comedy and campy sci-fi horror made it stand out from the crowd. Marvel and Disney want us to believe that there’s only one way to make a superhero movie, when that’s simply not true. And now that Spider-Man is free to find his own unique voice again, hopefully people will begin to see just how creatively limiting and damaging the MCU truly is.

[ssnakey-b]

FF8 English-French translarison, part 24: Return of the Translarison!

Holy shit, have I seriously not posted a new part since February?! Well, it’s time to get back to business. Since it’s been a while, in case you forgot, last time, the team was getting ready to face Edea for the second and last time. Let’s get to it.

We start with another example of Fujin telling us a bit more than in English as instead of just “FATIGUED!”, she says “I can’t take it any more!”.

Meanwhile, instead of “Let’s just go. ...Let’s get it over with, ya know?”, Raijin says “Come on, let’s keep going! We gotta end this!”

To this, English Fujin rplies “REQUEST” (which I’m still not sure what she means by that since she doesn’t actually request anything) while her French counterpart says “I’ve had it!”. A little dialogue follows.

English:

Raijin: ...We’re leavin’ Seifer up to you now, ya know? We don’t know what’s going on anymore, ya know? ...We just want the old Seifer back, ya know?”

Squall: (Seifer... He probably thinks he can’t go back now.) All right.

French:

Raijin: Seifer, we’ve had enough... this isn’t fun for us. We don’t know what’s going on! You weren’t like that before...

Squall: (Seifer won’t give up. No, not now...) I see...

I’ll give the English text that it’s a nice bit of characterization that Raijin is basically asking Squall to save Seifer from himself, or at least stop him from going even further down the deep end than he already has but man, do these annoying catchphrases and gimmick destroy any atmosphere for me. I really don’t understand why English-language translators are so obsessed with them (and if they were in the original Japanese, well, not everything needs to be translated directly).

Seriously, professional translators, you gotta understand that you don’t need to commit to a running gag every goddamn time to the detriment of everything else. Even if you don’t think it takes you out of the story, running gags get really old really quick.

Also, we once again get a hint that Seifer used to be better, which would have been nice to actually see in the game rather than constantly be assured that it used to be the case because again, we see more genuine chemistry between the Jin Team & Squall than between him and Seifer.

Anyway, with that rant over, let’s continue. This guy, who gives you the first key card, says mostly the same thing in both versions, but I wanted to bring it up because of an UNFORGIVABLE mistake in the French version. That’s right, despite the sentence being pluralized, they used the pronoun “Il” without an S, which is the singular form!! I really hope whomever wrote that atone by cutting off their pinky at the first knuckle.

On a more serious level, there is also an interesting little bit in the English version where he mentions that most students were kicked out, which is absent in the French version. And I mean, I guess it doesn’t need to be stated explicitly, but I think it’s nice to have it confirmed that Galbadia Garden was completely recycled into a military base, as it adds to the tragedy that the student basically lost their home IMO. Although I guess at least it means they’re not being held hostages.

And now it’s time to finally meet these hockey-playing monsters we’ve been told about so long ago. I just love that the devs actually made those, and that they decided that their reaction to a massive battles would be to take the opportunity to get involved in the fight for no real reason.

And yes, as you may have noticed the Slappers are called Jason in the French version of the game, because why not throw in a Friday the 13th reference for good measure? And if you remember (in which case, congrats on the good memory considering how long ago that was), this ties into another reference that’s been invented by the French version, where they explained that these guys psych themselves up for a match by watching horror movies such as Friday the 13th. Just amazing!

But wait! That’s not all! Because if you scan them, the French version also explicitly mentions that the Jasons are, in fact, students at Galbadia Garden. I mean, you could gather that information in the English version as well, but to have it explicitly stated here just makes it that much funnier to me. Just imagine having to take classes with these things next to you. Do they keep the masks on? What do they look under there? Please, Square-Enix, cancel the remaster and put your resources towards giving us a spin-off expanding on this lore. THIS is what the world needs!

Sadly, we must leave the Jasons, but we do get to meet Cerberus! The original dog from Hell!

Massive difference in tone between the versions when it comes to Cerberus, or Cerbères in French (the last E is silent, as is the S). In English, he’s very blunt, talking less like an immortal demonic being and more like a pro wrestling Heel, yeeling in all caps “PRETTY CONFIDENT. LET’S SEE HOW YOU DO. SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!” which by the way, really makes me wish he went “I LIKE WHAT YOU GOT” upon being defeated.

In French, he is more eloquent and collected, saying “What arrogance! Mere mortals! Show me what you’re capable of!”. And while his actual line upon defeat is “NOT BAD...MORTALS” in English, in French, he simply says “Interesting”.

One last detail about this fight I’d like to mention. After Irvine mentions he doesn’t know that Guardian Force, French Squall simply says “Let’s take it!” but I like the English version a lot more here, as Squall goes “Ahh... let’s just take it.”

Yeah, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. And I think that says a lot as to where Squall is mentally at this point. Just done. Fuck it. I mean, he just fought a team of horror-inspired hockey monsters, there’s no point in questioning anything any more.

Much to my dismay, it’s time to meet up with Seifer again. The dialogue stays mostly consistent across both versions, with the one notable detail being that in the English version, when addressing Linoa, he says “remember a year ago we...” whereas in French, he says “and yet, a year ago...” so the English version hints at a slightly deeper, perhaps more reciprocal relationship.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the only acknowledgement Seifer gives of any previous relationship between the two in either version, and it’s in an optional bit of dialogue that only appears if Linoa is in the party at this point. This is why I am not buying this supposed love triangle for a second. Much like every part of the supposed rivalry between Seifer and Squall, it barely exists, what little is there is completely superficial and Seifer is blatantly outmatched right form the get go.

And look, I’m not here to tell you you’re right of wrong in your headcanons or fanfics or whatever, I really don’t care. However, it always annoys me when people go on and on about how deep and meaningful this love triangle when it’s really not. In fact, it barely is at all. So again, I’m not giving people shit if they want to make it a thing, but you gotta keep in mind that whatever story you give them is entirely your creation. Because when it comes to what’s actually shown in the game, well, it’s almost nothing, which makes me wonder why it’s even there to begin with. The extent of their story is: Linoa thought Seifer was hot, Seifer might have thought the same about her, maybe?

Anyway, second rant over, there’s a small difference in the dialogue with Irvine. In English, Seifer says “Hey, you’re a Galbadian student, get over here.” to which irvine replies “I’m happy right here, thank you.”

In french, Seifer says “Hey, the Galbadian, you’re coming back home?” and he answers with “I like my new country better” which I don’t think is actually quite what’s going on but I will admit is an interesting take on this scene.

Again, things are pretty similar in the dialogue between Squall and Seifer leading up to the battle, with Squall saying Seifer is just another monster in both versions, although Seifer’s last line before the fight is different... and very stupid either way. In English, he says “You guys are the monsters” and in French he says “I think of myself as a Boss, yeah”.

Well I’m glad both lines are equally cringeworthy, with English Seifer cribbing his from a 12 year old trying to sound deep and French Seifer just coming across like the kind of douche that The Lonely Island likes to parody. Also, I think the French version may have attempted to be cute. Get it? Because he’s a boss battle! HA HA no.

In the auditorium, we have a slight difference in Edea’s opening line. In English, she refers to Squall as “the legendary SeeD destined to face me”. In French, she calls him “the famous Seed whose coming is announced by all”. It seems a bit weird to me as I’m not getting the impression that Squall is all that famous in-universe so it would be weird that “all” would announce his arrival.

So I think the English version works a little bit better as it gives the impression she knows that due to her insight into future events. Then again, you could argue that French Ultimecia is talking about her original timeline, where perhaps Squall was leading the charge against her and he had become some kind of hero to the people of that time, and that she is trying to stop him before he can become that hero. After all, for someone like Ultimecia, it would make sense to view the various timelines as one and the same.

So we fight, I grab Alexander (known in French as Alexandre, so almost the same, but the English name will still show in my game due to my save file getting confused) and during Squall’s blackout, we get a slight difference that once again at the two translations being based off the original Japanese rather than each-other, as in English, Squall complains about his body hurting whereas in French, it’s specifically his head, so it appears we have different interpretations going on.

Similarly, after Edea asks if she was able to protect Ellone (which interestingly, shows that Edea is at least not always aware of what Ultimecia is doing), English Squall thins “I don’t understand”, showing general confusion at the situation, whereas French Squall thinks “I don’t know.” replying directly to her question about Ellone.

And that’s it for today! Next time, we’ll see how differently Squall reacts to Linoa’s situation in both versions as we finally start taking on the 3rd CD content. I hope you all enjoyed this return of the translarison, I honestly didn’t realize it had been this long. I promise I’ll try and be more regular again, even though as I’ve said before, the only schedule for this is “when I feel like it”.

Now speaking of future updates, in case you missed it, I would like to start streaming my gameplay sessions on Twitch as I take screenshots and comment on what’s happening, and hopeuflly take your questions and observations. If it”‘s something that sounds interesting to you, I would really like you to say so by commenting on this post, dropping me a line or however you see fit, and if/when it happens, you can join us at twitch.tv/ssnakeyb. Either way, likes and reblogs are always appreciated to help spread the word.

Have a nice day, everyone! I’l be seeing you next time!

[ayoalex]

Yesterday was International Woman's day and i wanted to do a post about one of my inspiration of Harry Potter aka my little bitch Hermione Granger, but i didn't know how.

After a lot of thinking i decided to do a post about something that I've wanted to write a long of time ago, what impressed me about Hermione. And after being in Tumblr for a long time and knowing about the saga for a while now I've seen how Hermione whole character is so underestimated, which is weird because i think she's one of the most popular and love character of the saga.

But then i realised, people use her movie version to ship her with their favourite character. Not only that, but people don't seem to see her flaws and blatantly ignore them, so, yeah, she's one of the most loved character...but that doesn't mean people actually appreciate her enough.

We see her through Harry eyes and my little boy loves and admire Hermione so much that melt my heart. He's always in awe with her spell work and how smart and clever she is. And then you have Ron commenting how amazing and incredible she is and...I'm going to stop because I'm going to cry, her boys love her and admire her so much im- uwu.

Because of that we tend to forget how actually amazing she is.

Hermione was a muggle born in a world that only 11 years ago they were in a war because Voldemort and Death Eathers wanted to kill muggles and other species + staying in power. A war where millions of muggles died and only ended because Voldemort spell rebound on him, which kinda kill him.

But before Voldemort there was Grinderwald (did i write his name right?).

And damn bitch, these wizards surely don't learn.

I bet she read all about that, and maybe it didn't hit her in the moment because "well, he's dead" but then at her 2nd year, with 13 years old her bully called her a slur, mudblood.

And said bully continue saying how he wish she would be dead because she's a muggle born, and not only that, people get surprised of how good she's at magic because she's a muggle born.

In the same year she's being target by a fucking basilisk because of her heritage as well and she actually get petrified after she finally found out the whole diary/basilisk mystery.

Then before fourth year she had to see the Dark Mark in the sky like if those people were calling Batman or some shit. And then she sees how these people have slaves and how they are against half breed. Girl spend 7 years in the wizard world being called mudblood and listening awful things from purebloods, the bully she had to suffer from not only people of her age but adults as well and she still came out as top of her class, outsmarted all of them and won a fucking war.

Guys, Hermiome Granger is amazing. If we don't count Harry, she's the person that all of them wanted death.

She's the muggle born that outsmarted and that is more clever than all of them. And she's not like Harry that is kind and don't want to hurt anyone, oh hell no, girlie will kill you if she needs to.

And lot of us have the headcanon of her being poc, but it just made so much sense.

Look how calm she is when people bully her because of her heritage, how offended she is towards the slavery in the Wizard World. As someone that has seen racism and xenophobia towards my own mother because she's latina i understand Hermione stand.

Hermione is calm because is not the first time she has experienced racism and xenophobia, she reminds me of all that times my mom listen to people talking shit about latinos and she's just calm because is not the first time.

And it still hurts, of course it hurts but she know she's better than them and if she could against all those muggles talking shit about her parents and her because they are not white she surely can againts these purebloods that can't even do a fucking polyjuice potion on their second year.

And that's other, how amazing she is with magic when she's just a muggle born.

She just knew about magic for 2 years and could do an O.W.L potion. She's amazing guys.

And you know, Harry life is tragic, he's an orphan living in an abusive family and then he goes to these place where he's treat as the celebrity he isn't and to make it worse these crazy dude is trying to kill him with his gang.

Then you have Ron that is so fucking insecure (i want to protect him so badly omg), from a giant and poor family. He's overshadowed by not only his olders brothers but his best friends and even his little sister.

But Hermione...guys, Hermione Granger guys.

She left a racist world to get into another racist world.

And it make so fucking sense why her fear of failure.

She's not only poc but maybe her parents are immigrants, you know how hard is to be their kid? People hate immigrants, specially poc ones.

They already have expectations for you, and failing would mean you get into their expectations.

So Hermione work hard in both worlds because her parents didn't work 50+ hours at week for her to fail them.

She had seen the sacrifices growing up. And to make it better they didn't pay her parents enough.

Of course it got better, after many years living in London people start respecting them as dentist and now they can go to France in summer or even going to skii.

But she still want a better future. Because she's has so many little privileges, she's a poc woman whose parents are immigrants, the only privilege she has is the money.

But in the Wizard World she's no one, she's just Harry Potter muggle friend, so she try hard.

She doesn't get enough sleep only to get several O.W.Ls, and she continues fighting guys, because is not only her best friend live in line, is her live, all of those magical creature, her parents and the rest of muggles.

And she does an awful thing, she fuck with her parents memories and send them to Australia, she knows is a mistake, but how do you tell you parents all the bullying? How do you tell them that is was a lie that all the racism and xenophobia ended when she started Hogwarts? You can't, you don't have the heart.

And guys, one of the worst thing that could ever happened to her came true. She was almost killed for being Muggle born.

She was tortured, humiliated and scared because of her heritage.

But she continued with the fight, she decided to impersonate Bellatrix, the person who tortured her, and she used her wand too.

Then she has to see all these people dying, has to see how Ron cry and scream for Fred, she even lost her brother for a few minutes.

But she still fought, against Bellatrix, imagine it.

The person that did all those scars in her body, the person that brutally tortured her.

But they still won.

And now, in this year, she's supposed to take over the Ministry, to become the Minister of Magic.

She, the muggle born did that.

Imagine all the muggle born kids learning about everything and seeing her as an inspiration.

Hermione Granger, the girl that fought againts discrimination and won.

And i know, people put her in this awful pedestal but sometimes, specially in days like this one, is good to remember how an amazing character Hermione Granger is.

So please, let's criticize her character but praise it as well.

She's a teenager that has to experience racism and xenophobia from a young age and fought a war to end this, but we all know that even if she won it's still difficult to eradicate it.

And I'm happy that Hermione end up being Minister, she's the boss of all of her bullies. She's the bitch in charge this time.

But you know what makes me more happy?

The fact that she end up marrying someone that since day one saw her as the nightmare she is and only learn how to love her since the moment they shared a crazy night with a Troll. Fucking romantic. We stan and love a healthy relationship.

So, Happy International Woman's Day to my favourite little shit aka Hermione, she's an inspiration and an amazing role model.

[tweakerwolf]

Doki Doki Literature Club

Played the game and my thoughts about it are below the cut because I go on a bit of a rant...

TL;DR version: I love the true aspect of the game but it isn’t really my style and over all I was disappointed by the ‘psychological horror’ and ‘gore’ parts of it. (relatively spoiler free, I don’t mention any of the major twists or story plotlines, just the general ‘extra-ness’ of what makes the game intriguing)

So... I got the game on Steam and played it because a lot of people were talking about it and how awesome of a game it was...

I hate to say it but, I was disappointed in it...

I get why people are raving about it, I do think the reveals and secrets in the games are amazing! I can honestly say that I’m blown away by what the creators were able to do with the game. Without going into spoiler territory, all the hidden/surprise aspects of the game, are really awesome! I have read all about the intricate details and hints that people were able to find- SO MUCH information... I wouldn’t have had any idea of where to start with that kind of game. I don’t know anything about game files and translating text... I love complicated storylines but I’m very simple when it comes to *gameplay*... if it isn’t blatantly obvious then odds are, I won’t know what to do... If I was left to my own devices, I wouldn’t know about a majority of DDLC’s secrets... because they have to do with things that are outside of normal gameplay... I guarantee that I would’ve missed about 90% of the point, all the underlying DDLC elements, swoosh, right over my head. But when I looked up the game and I learned about all the ‘extra’ elements, again, I am SOOOOO impressed with what they were able to achieve! But lmao, if you were expecting me to understand it and delve into that on my own???? You’ll be waiting a long time for that... I suck at that kind of meta stuff, truly. I wouldn’t’ve even /thought/ to look into the things people were finding secrets in!

That being said... I saw the tags for DDLC and I saw all the warnings that appeared in the game... and that’s where I was disappointed. Psychological horror? After playing games like BTD and TDDUP... that game wasn’t that ‘edgy’ at all imo. Now, that’s not to say that the trigger warnings aren’t needed! Indeed, pay attention to the trigger warnings and play the game with caution, I’m not saying that they lied... just that /I/ had higher expectations for what was going to happen when I got to the ‘shocking’ part of the game. I was so bored... For the average gamer and especially for someone that generally plays ‘regular’ dating sims, I’m sure the triggering scenes were very /shocking/, I can understand that... but for all the hype I was seeing, I was expecting more. There was nothing to the characters that made me invested in them (Okay, I’ll admit, I was invested in Sayori and I do think they did her storyline right), there was no history... Things go from cutesy to chaotic in just a moment but that doesn’t make it psychological horror... I wasn’t twisted around psychologically by the reveals we were given... they were just /shock value/ (hence my earlier wording...). OMG look at this surprise scene that you’d never expect to see in a ‘dating sim’ game!!! Gasp! What surprise! Even the ‘extra’ part of the game, the fun secret stuff... that isn’t what I’d categorize as psychological horror... I’d categorize it as a mind fuck but ‘mind fuck’ and ‘psychological horror’ don’t mean the same thing. They often go hand-in-hand but pft, that doesn’t make them synonymous with each other, that’s all I’m saying. Like I’ve said, the scenes themselves should be approached with caution, they aren’t ‘silly’ by any means but... when I think of games that are psychological horror, I think of the part in the Resident Evil 7 DLC, 21. How your POV is a character that’s strapped to a chair, forced to play a game of 21 with another innocent victim and each time you lose, a finger gets chopped off. At the end of the game, you’re praying that you don’t lose another finger but in order to keep your fingers, you have to pray that the other INNOCENT player has a worse hand than you... you get to hear that player scream in terror and then in pain, you hear them beg and there isn’t anything to do because it’s you or them. You want to win because you don’t want to die but winning means you’re forced to watch/listen to someone else get fucked up. That’s deeply psychological. Even with BTD and TDDUP... those games weren’t overly graphic (in terms of *video graphics/frames*, they were mostly static scenes that depended on the /dialogue/ to get the point across, not a visual ‘movie’ with sound effects)... we didn’t *see* a lot of horrible violence unlike in RE7 but it was still psychological because there were visceral reactions that we read the character going through, the descriptions did the scenes justice and there were scenarios that just... they were designed to make you go “if I was in this situation... could I really survive this??? Would this break me???” That’s the point of psychological horror to me. This game completely missed the mark and it just felt like shock value with a lack of depth. Period.

I’ll even say that the ‘dating sim’ aspect of the game was bland... (I know that wasn’t even the point but, hear me out)... I was SPOILED by BTD and even TDDUP... I was expecting choices! I was expecting things to be at least a little broader... I was expecting more than 2 (3 depending on what you count as an ending) endings... I was expecting my choices to matter in the end game. And they don’t... The story is horribly bland and I was in agony as I tried to play through and get to the interesting parts!!! And even after I did get to the interesting parts... I was still SO BORED! It wasn’t because I knew what was coming either, I can know how a game ends and still be excited and enthralled when I’m playing it if it has a great story or good gameplay. I don’t play a lot of dating sims, but I realize that the dialogue isn’t always the greatest... some of them are just blah blah blah and let me see animated boobies (not all of them, I know but the ones with ‘boring’ dialogue can be described like that I think).... but it should at least be a little engaging... Daddy Dating Simulator at least had the ‘horrible dad puns’ kind of humor to make players laugh and groan as they went out and about. I dunno... I was let down... if I had come across this game cold turkey with no background knowledge... I never would’ve made it to the ‘interesting’ part because I would’ve stopped playing... and like I said, even *knowing* that the game was going to get ‘interesting’... it was still so hard to play and it still fell flat... When we replay the first day, even with the quirks, it’s too bland to hold my attention, I just didn’t care.

I can write a guide of the general gameplay aspects if people really want me to but... there are only 3 endings so.... is that really what you want? A lot of the game is pretty random so there’s only so much I can help you with.... If you’re looking for help with the ‘extra’ aspects of the game, I cannot help you with that, I’m sorry... Check the wiki and the reddit pages because I have no clue where to even start with that stuff.

[ladyloveandjustice]

OK, it’s bugging me, because I need to talk about Grant Morrison vs Original Wonder Woman and how Morrison failed at homaging it. 

It ties into stuff that’s been discussed elsewhere, like with the Star Trek reboot- if you really want to capture the spirit of something that was socially challenging 40 or 70 years ago, you can’t just reproduce that thing. Because what was groundbreaking or shocking 40-70 years ago isn’t socially groundbreaking now. Instead, you’ve got to look at what IS groundbreaking in today’s society and go with that. 

Wonder Woman was genuinely controversial when it came out in the 40s.Some parts of it were standard for it’s day- the jingoism and racism was typical bigoted white guy bullshit that dominated most of media- but the core message of it was genuinely shocking. Emphasized over and over again was this idea women are just as good as men but society was holding them back, that women can break free of that and be strong if the help each other, that they don’t have to aspire to being submissive to a man, that they can be dominant. It depicted marriage as a form of oppression, it has a main character whose WORST NIGHTMARE was being married to a man, if was dripping with so many queer implications Frederick Wertham declared it the spawn of Satan and the worst of all comics.

The bondage stuff was also genuinely pushing the envelope as far as controversy goes, people were very upset about it and believed it would encourage perversion. Sex wasn’t talked about openly back then. But the feminism and gay panic were just as huge. Marston would explain the deep (and often bullshit) psychological reasoning behind all his decisions with the utmost sincerity. He truly believed the bondage thing was essential  

Letters came pouring in. Professionals denounced it. The editor was constantly frantic and concerned, he kept talking to psychologists to make sure this was okay. He friggin’ interviewed Lauretta Bender, the head child psychologist at Bellevue hospital, who was so impressed by the feminist aspect she didn’t even mind the bondage aspect and espoused the then-radical idea that kids can’t “learn” to be kinky or “perverted” from media, it just makes them aware of desires they already had. If they aren’t actually interested in bondage, this comic will not awaken that interest and they likely wouldn’t even really notice the bondage. What was more important to her was that the comic taught kids women and men should be equal, since she did very passionately believe comics could educate, comfort children and teach morality.

In contrast, another women thought the sex stuff was unforgivable and the feminism aspect was uncomfortable. But note how women were consulted about this. Note how Alice Marble, a female editor, was bought in, and it was her idea to do a back-up that highlighted “Wonder Women of History” which gave information about badass historical ladies to further inspire girls and impress on boys women have always been awesome (there is even a later story where a young boy complains to Wonder Woman he hates studying women in history because “girls are sissies”, so she makes him time travel with her and introduces him to all the amazing, overlooked things women have done, at which point he changes his mind and becomes interested in women’s history).  

So let me say it first- if Morrison really wants to reproduce the feel of 1940s Wonder Woman, he has to involve women in the process somewhere, because even in the 19-fucking-40s a woman was involved with producing Wonder Woman. He also would have to tie his comic deeply with the modern feminist movement. Stuff in Wonder Woman was deliberately evocative of first wave feminism and tackled first wave feminist issues. But those issues aren’t as relevant today. You can’t just have a stereotypical gross guy make some sexist comments and have Wonder Woman throw him to the ground and be like “there i’ve addressed feminism just like Marston did”. It has to be GENUINELY CONTROVERSIAL FEMINISM. For today, that would mean weaving in commentary about abortion, about toxic masculinity, about rape culture, trans issues- being blatantly opinionated about stuff that’s genuinely controversial.

Depicting bondage isn’t controversial in modern day comics. it’s been done. Writers have put their kinks blatantly on display for quite a while. Depicting two women kissing in a super sexualized way isn’t controversial or pushing any envelope, we see it all the fucking time. Having the heroine ditch her girlfriend and literally stomp her in the dirt so she can mack a dude is not controversial either. Nothing in Wonder Woman: Year One by Grant Morrison is genuinely controversial. Women will be groaning about it because they’ve seen this bullshit so much, not because it’s new and shocking. It isn’t pushing any envelope.

If Morrison wanted to be genuinely controversial and groundbreaking, he could have had trans amazons. He could have had Wonder Woman take her girlfriend with her on her adventure and tell Steve she was going to have to accept she was polyamourous and her gf wasn’t going anywhere if he wanted a relationship. He should have done a story full of political commentary. He could have hired an artist who was involved in doing pro-feminist cartoons, because Harry Peter, the original Wonder Woman artist, caught Marston’s attention because of his pro-suffrage cartoons. He shouldn’t have hired someone who draws women like they’re constantly orgasming. 

No stereotypical cis straight male is gonna read WW Year One by Morrison and feel threatened. They may feel pretty turned on by it, but it’s gonna be another in the pile of comics they masturbate too, no big deal. 

And you know why they won’t feel challenged? Because Morrison doesn’t sincerely believe that people can find freedom through loving submission and bondage is the key of happiness, he doesn’t genuinely believe women should take over the world and also sexually dominate men, he isn’t a person with a lot of connections to the feminist movement and he doesn’t publish controversial opinions about queerness.

Marston once published an book that claimed “homosexuality” shouldn’t be treated as abnormal and being “perverse” was healthy. That was genuinely a huge, unusual, shocking opinion to have in the 1940s. Marston took a risk in publishing it. Has Morrison done anything like that? Is he living an “alternative sexual lifestyle?” No. 

Morrison doesn’t actually buy Marston’s politics, which could be said of most people today and is largely a good thing because they’re deeply flawed even if they were groundbreaking in their day in some ways. Yet he still tried to reproduce them beat for beat and it resulted in a garbage precisely because he wasn’t sincere. He doesn’t actually believe in this shit. Marston’s sincerity is what made Wonder Woman groundbreaking, but it isn’t present in WW Year One.

Instead, he amps up the fetishy aspect, throws queerness in there solely for titillation, show a women being chained up and threatened with rape as sexy and alluring and there is no substance to any of it. It’s a shallow, rote recreation of the 1940′s comics with none of the good elements of it present, because the guy behind it doesn’t understand he has to be sincere for this to work. 

You want to know how badly Morrison missed the point and doesn’t get what the original comics were doing? He states that he thinks it’s boring the relationships between the women in the original comics were so supportive, so he’s going to add in some antagonism.

 Despite the fact “women supporting each other brings out their truth strength and if they do that they can overthrow patriarchal society” was THE MAIN POLITICAL MESSAGE of the original comics and is STILL so controversial today that every single adaptation really downplays it and tries to present the Amazons as “bad” for relying on each other instead of men. Even the movie drastically downplayed that aspect by having Diana mostly only interact and form bonds with men after leaving the island, with Etta getting only a bit role. It’s also why the "daughter of Zeus” thing has replaced her original origin, even modern day people cannot fucking stand the idea of a woman who doesn’t need a man to be involved in her life and to be the source of her power. 

But no, Morrison thinks that part is bullshit and wants to depict women as holding each other back.He thinks “female oppression” should be depicted as some random woman being put on a leash by a guy as she sexily eats from a dog bowl with her ass on full display, and it shouldn’t get more nuanced than that.

If you really want to pay homage to Marston and reproduce what Wonder Woman means, you have to take risks. You have to trumpet a feminist idealogy you SINCERELY BELIEVE IN. You have to tie it deeply into the modern feminist struggle. 

Morrison did not do any of that, and that is precisely why his comic failed at paying any kind of meaningful tribute to Wonder Woman and is instead an offensive mess.

[the-bejeesus]

My Thoughts on The Lego Batman movie.

     Before getting into my thoughts on it, I should just blatantly say that I love it. I was a little optimistic because I liked the Lego Movie, this one has writers and directors that have worked on more adult humor-related works just like the first one, I love Batman, all my friends already saw it and loved it, and I just in general walked in wanting to like it. But I feel that even if I was pessimistic about it, I still would’ve liked it.

     It should also be noted that this movie isn’t really one of those films like Over the Hedge that are funny to adults but kids don’t get. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of jokes I feel only adults and kids would get, mainly pop culture references. But the kids in theatre still laughed to even those just because they seem random and the kid wouldn’t have thought of it himself.

      The first thing I should mention is that, almost like Robot Chicken, every scene is designed to satirize every aspect of Batman to a Tee. They even satirize the gray Warner Bros. logo at the beginning of every Batman movie. They do all the expected jabs too, like Shark repellent, Batman is gay, Robin looks ridiculous, Batman is aingsty for no reason. It did surprise me how they satirized Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad though. I felt that at least Suicide Squad’s critical view was too recent to be put in production. I also like how they actually researched Batman. Like, there’s this one joke where Joker is listing off all of Batman’s rogue’s gallery where the ones the Joker lists slowly get more and more obscure and ridiculous. Then the pikot says something to the extent of “those last few don’t exist!” and Joker responds, “oh, but they are.” And I actually recognized a lot of them from a time awhile ago when I was looking up really stupid Batman villains. Yes, condement man is real.

     The one thing I really liked, where those adult writers really came in, was the satirizing of the Batman theme. You know how every Batman movie is. Someone says “he could be any one of us. That’s why he wears the mask. To inspire us,” and someone else is like, “but how can that be? He’s selfless and righteous. Oh it’d be too perfect of a world if we were him.” The theme here is that we should all be walking out of the theatre being Batman. He helps people, doesn’t care that he has no powers, and won’t let any odds stand in his way. This movie satirizes even that. Now don’t get me wrong, it didn’t tell kids to be the villains. They did it in a way where the kids are still going to go home learning something. The thing about Batman they tell the kids not to be is a loner. On the outside, he’s extremely popular, saves the day, and is a rich guy who gives to charity, but he’s alone. He’s always in denial of his loneliness, will fall in love with literally anyone to not feel alone, denies that his vigilante habits are unhealthy for him, and is just a jerk. Like, if you go into the Dark Knight Trilogy looking for this, you’ll notice. He breaks the moral grounds Lucius wanted to comply to just to stop one guy, he’s always sleeping and can’t get his work done, he keeps secrets from people he should trust, and when Alfred is crying in fear for Bruce’s life, Bruce ignores him like a dick. He didn’t even let Alfred, the one who wanted him not to die most, in on the fact that he was going to live. Like, did you see how depressed Alfred was when he thought you were dead?! What if he killed himself from the depression before you get to do that sneaky little reveal at the cafe? I bet you didn’t think of that Bruce, because you only think about yourself.

     The main theme was that he was in denial of want. He wanted someone to call family, but in fear of losing that family he denied his want for family, and ergo ended up denying his family in doing that. He denies that the Justice League doesn’t like his no-fun attitude, he denies that Alfred is his father figure, and he denies that he’s in denial. The movie is afraid that kids walk home from Batman movies pushing their friends and families away so that they can be their edgy selfs, and taught them a moral that no Batman movie has ever told: Don’t be Batman. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful, I love it.

     I also love how they warped Joker’s “you complete me” ambition from The Dark Knight and turned it into a dating metaphor. Some of you Christian parents might think “oh no, if I show this movie to mah kid, he’ll catch the gay.” To those of you parents who feel that way, I assure you, none of the kids in the theatre room got that impression and I doubt your kids will.

     That’s another thing I love, this kids’ movie brought a miracle to kids’ movies I have never seen this miracle before: quite kids. Not bored kids like when you go to see Gnomeo & Juliet and they don’t give a fuck about the theme or jokes, I mean genuinely interested kids that want to hear what the movie has to teach them and the clever jokes it has to say. Like, when you go see something like Minions or the Trolls, the kids just go fucking crazy because the whole idea of those movies is pretty colors and ADHD spastic movements and dialogue. Pixar movies are a lot closer to what the Lego Batman Movie made the kids experience, but there they get loud too because there’s always that one scene that’s either too scary or too sad for them to handle and they start crying or screaming (this isn’t a bash on Pixar, I love their movies).

     I definitely recommend watching this movie in theatres, and if you have kids, buy the Blu-Ray afterwards too, because I gauruntee they will watch it over and over. And if you don’t have kids, I still recommend watching it in theatres at least. The only real criticism I have is the dated pop culture references and dialect that will inevitably make your kids ask questions. Hell, there was one reference I didn’t even get. It was Tom Cruise in some romance movie, I had to ask my mom what it was after I saw the movie and she was all like, “I don’t know, maybe Jerry MacQuire?”

     Also props to this movie for being the first movie I’ve ever watched that has RickRolled me.

[funface2]

How Nikki Glaser Writes Roast Jokes – Vulture

Nikki Glaser. Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images

This interview originally ran in October 2018. We are rerunning it in anticipation of Nikki Glaser’s appearance on the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

Roast jokes are deceptive little things. They tend to be very short, very to the point. But they’re often weeks and weeks in the making. Beyond the writing staff tasked with amassing a pile of jokes to be divided among the celebrity members of a Comedy Central dais, every comedian involved is writing essentially nonstop, as well receiving a fairly constant stream of joke-ideas from comic friends. A comedian will then run the jokes over and over again at clubs around the city, as they would for any other TV set. So, when you see Nikki Glaser prove herself as one of the absolute best ever roasters on the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis, you can be certain that every one of those jokes has been considered and reworked ad nauseam.

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Glaser’s set is the subject of this week’s episode of Good One, Vulture Comedy’s podcast about jokes and the people who write them. Listen to the episode and read a short excerpt of the discussion about a few of Glaser’s best jokes below. Tune in to Good One every Monday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Good One

A Podcast About Jokes

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[From the Roast of Rob Lowe, to Ann Coulter] “The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican that digs your grave.”

I wanted to go hard on Ann Coulter. Amy [Schumer] was the one that was really like, “Hey, you have a chance here. Just say what everyone wants to. Just go hard on her. Go harder than you want to go.” I really took that to heart and was like, “I will, because what do I have to lose?” If I want to stand out, that’s a great way to stand out.

Then that joke was pitched to me by Mike Lawrence, who is a great roast joke writer and roaster. He’s won Roast Battle. It was pitched to me while I was in the makeup chair right before we were going on, because they were like, “Here’s some jokes no one’s doing that the writer’s room came up with.” Mike really believed in it and I trust Mike. And everyone in my trailer at the time was like, “Oh, my God, that joke.”

I didn’t like the joke because I didn’t like throwing Mexicans under the bus in a joke that is supposed to be like them saying “fuck you” to her. It didn’t need to be a Mexican. It could’ve just been the person who digs your grave and it would’ve still been a good joke. I get it, it’s like she hates Mexicans, so a Mexican might maybe [would] relish the fact that they get to dig her grave more, but it also is saying that Mexicans dig graves more than white people. I didn’t like that sentiment of it.

I kind of cringe every time it’s brought up as representative of me as a comedian, because I could’ve been called out for being racist in that joke that was supposed to be going against someone who is blatantly racist. It’s not my favorite joke, but I’m grateful for it. A lot of times as a celebrity or anyone who is in the spotlight, you get thrust into the spotlight for something that you were like, “I almost didn’t even say that,” or, “I regretted saying that at the time.” I’m grateful for it. It’s not like I don’t like the joke. I did it. I don’t want to insult Mike Lawrence, who wrote the joke, but it’s not my favorite joke. It’s just the meanest thing to say, and sometimes you need to say that to Ann Coulter. I just wish it didn’t throw Mexicans under the bus.

“Kevin Pollak is here. Such an amazing actor … I know Kevin as one of the greatest impressionists of all time. I’m a huge fan. My favorite of his is, umm … he does an amazing Robin Williams. I just wish you would finish it … Listen, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it’s time we lose some okays.”

That was my favorite joke. Man, it had a longer ending, too, that I had to chop off. I was like, “No, but seriously, your loved ones will miss you. And ‘by your loved ones,’ I mean your assortment of hats.” I go, “Don’t leave a note. Just print off your IMDb page.” Like, it just went on and on. It was so mean.

Someone had written a joke that he’s an impressionist and he does a Robin Williams impression. They didn’t write [this] joke, but [theirs] had mentioned it. I was like, Oh, really? Then I was like, There’s my ticket to a suicide joke. When I wrote, “We’ve lost a lot of greats, but it’s time to lose some okays,” that was just one that I was like, That is one of my favorite jokes I’ve ever written. Just it’s so insane to tell someone to kill themselves. Twice. Really lean into it.

I wanted to acknowledge it. This is the thing. Anthony Bourdain had just killed himself. Kate Spade had just killed herself. It was in the zeitgeist. I was like, I know this is going to get a huge groan. I know people are going to be talking about it and saying how insensitive it is that I would say that. But I talk a lot about suicide in my act. I think a lot about suicide. I’m a depressed person. I have dark thoughts about it. I feel like if I don’t talk about it and if I don’t lean into it, then it’s winning. I want to acknowledge it more.

I was running this joke around town and I remember one time a girl in the front row was like, “Not cool.” I go, “Oh, have you lost someone to suicide?” She’s like, “Yeah.” I go, “So has everyone. Everyone!” I go, “The only person that can get offended by a joke about suicide is someone who committed suicide. And guess what? None of those people are here tonight, so shut up.” I have lost loved ones. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. I really feel, like, more entitled to that joke than any joke. I probably should feel less entitled to it, to be honest, because it’s the meanest one.

I got a lot of backlash for it, but then I realized, I know that Robin Williams would think that’s funny. I just know. I had never met him, but I just know that he would think that’s funny, because it’s funny.

“I’m a huge fan and my mom is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart, including cooking, cleaning, and withholding affection.”

I didn’t even plan on doing that joke. That was not in the prompter, but I had been working on it all week. It just was one of the ones cut right before. Then she wasn’t that nice to me backstage right before we went on. Like I could just tell she was as cold as I thought she was. I had thought, Certainly she’s not as cold as I’m writing all these jokes out to be, and then she was, and I was like, I’ve got to do that joke, because there is so much truth in that joke on every level, and I just witnessed it backstage.

I was scared to even look at Cybill Shepherd after I got offstage, but she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and was like, “You were amazing.” I was just like looking at Martha like, Where’s my love, Martha? She didn’t even say “good job” — that old bitch.

“I’m just not a big fan of action movies. I don’t know. I’ve never seen one of your films … consensually. Like it’s always something a guy puts on when he’s trying to finger me on his roommate’s couch. Maybe I didn’t understand The Fifth Element. And it isn’t because I’m a dumb girl. But it’s hard to follow that plot when you’re fighting off a roofie and there’s a knuckle inside you.”

I wanted to write to women who have been fingered on a couch to his movies. That joke was really written about The Usual Suspects. At first, it started out as a joke about all the men — Kevin Pollak is in Usual Suspects; Edward Norton, Fight Club; Bruce Willis, The Fifth Element. These are all movies that I watched because I was about to hook up with a guy. I was like, There’s something there.

The more I talked to women, I’m like, “Yeah, this is a thing. It’s a movie the guy puts on.” I wanted to say that I’ve gotten fingered to these movies: “I just watch the screen dead-eyed as I’m being fingered.” Like I’ve watched scenes and not known what’s happening because I’m trying to deal with what’s maybe happening to me.

The thing is, the sex act is consensual. Those are all consensual, but the movies themselves always felt like, I don’t want to watch this, but okay. So, it felt of-the-times to say that. It felt true. Like I didn’t want to watch those movies, and I had to, and I still don’t want to watch them. They’re still movies I see all the time, for men.

That just was one of those jokes. I literally wrote “I’ve never seen one of your movies consensually,” as that was me getting to a point, but that just got a laugh out of nowhere. I was like, Oh, is that funny? I didn’t even know. Sometimes you write a joke as a comedian and you go, Why is that funny? It’s just truth.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

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Bài viết How Nikki Glaser Writes Roast Jokes – Vulture đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/how-nikki-glaser-writes-roast-jokes-vulture/

[salamoonder]

Dark Side | [ch. 6]

Sometimes Patton feels like he’s nothing but a pile of emotions.

Wordcount: 4.3k

Warnings: implied eating disorder

A/N: I am...so sorry...my upload schedule is absolutely fucked. College is hard, y’all. Anyway. I’m posting it now so that’s what counts. Masterpost/links to other chapters to come!

| Read on AO3 |

The moment Remy slips off Patton is instantly lost in the crowd. The voices and laughter mingle in his head into a mess of colors. He feels like levitating. He’s here. Finally. He’s off on his own and--and he can go anywhere he wants, talk to anyone--an older guy bumps into him and Patton turns his most brilliant smile on him, jolting a surprised grin onto the other guy’s face.

The air smells amazing. Patton can identify barbecue of some kind, of course, but he can also smell what he thinks is fresh brownies and cherry blossoms. It’s like trekking through heaven. He doesn’t even mind that it’s so hot. No way is he going back to his room now just to put on shorts. He hasn’t even unpacked, but that’s the furthest thing from his mind. There are people out here. People. And food and games and--Patton almost stops dead. And music? Is that live music? There’s no way he’s leaving now.

It takes him a while but he eventually tracks the singing to a large gazebo. A few upperclassmen are standing up there with guitars and mics and amplifiers, singing a slightly off key (but nevertheless enjoyable) rendition of Don’t Stop Believing. Students are scattered all over the steps, talking and singing along and eating.

That’s when Patton’s reminded how long it’s been since he and Virgil had breakfast, and he sets off in search of food. Music’s fun, but it’s not gonna fill his stomach.

His eyes light up when he finally spots the food tables, which seem to be about a mile long stacked end to end--then his face immediately falls when he sees how long the line is.

Oh, well. It’s probably best to get in line now rather than later. Patton’s sure if he waits any longer all the food will be gone. He treks to the back of the line and settles in for a long, hot wait, then texts Remy.

How is he?

Not answering the door, Remy texts back.

Patton frowns. He’s about to respond when another text pops up. He’ll be fine. He’s probably just mad, he’ll cool down. You guys are like best friends right?

Right, Patton texts back, biting his lip. Then he adds: Are you gonna come get food? I’m saving you a spot in line.

On my way already. Then, a second later, Can you wave?

Patton waves a hand over his head and a second later Remy comes bounding over to him. She’s changed into a tiny sundress vibrant enough to match her eyeshadow, and her sunglasses have still not come off. “Hiya!” she chirps. “Enjoying yourself? Met anyone new?”

“Oh, definitely,” says Patton, grinning. “Haven’t met anyone yet, though. I’ve been too...excited, I guess. So many people to start a conversation with, it’s hard to know where to start.” In truth he feels like he might vibrate out of his skin with excitement. He’s shaky with the movement of it all, of being on the road, on campus, in the res hall, out here. Shaky with the  heat and weight of Virgil’s frustration and what that means for him. Before he can think about it anymore, however, he’s interrupted.

“Here, I gotchu,” says Remy, and taps the shoulder of the girl ahead of them in line. She turns to look at them, vaguely curious, and Patton’s somewhat stunned by how obviously and boldly attractive she is. That’s not usually the kind of thing he notices. She’s got dark brown hair waterfalling down her shoulders, reaching nearly to her waist. It curls in tight corkscrews and the flyaways make a bright halo around her head in the light. Freckles are flung haphazardly across her nose, partially obscured by the oddly patterned gold makeup she’s wearing. She’s drawn swirls and solid blocks of gold all around her eyes. It looks like she’s wearing a gold leaf mask. Her features are clear and sharp, and she holds herself like a dancer, as though every movement is a choreographed step.

“Hi!” Remy smiles. “Patton’s trying to meet new people. You’re a new person. Meet each other.”

“Oh,” says the girl softly, and giggles. “Hi, Patton.” She holds out a hand for him to shake, and he takes it. Despite the heat her skin is cool and delicate; Patton feels like he’s holding a baby bird. “Are you a freshman too?” she asks.

“Uh, yeah.” He can’t think of anything to say after that, so he just keeps smiling.

“And this is…?” the girl asks, indicating Remy.

“Oh, I’m Remy.” says Remy, shifting her weight from hip to hip, watching the interaction between them and grinning. “We’re roommates.”

The girl raises one eyebrow. “Wow, they let you live with your girlfriend?” she asks. “That must’ve taken some fighting. How’d you do it?”

Patton chuckles awkwardly. “Oh, we’re not-”

“Patton’s single,” Remy says helpfully. “Very single,” she adds, eyes sparkling. Patton looks at her, a what-are-you-doing kind of look, but Remy doesn’t seem to take the hint and anyway...Patton’s not sure he minds all that much that this girl knows he’s single.

“So, Patton,” the girl asks, “where you from?”

“Ah, little town in the middle of nowhere. Victoria. You probably wouldn’t know it.”

The girl’s eyes light up. “Actually, I have a cousin in Victoria.”

“Oh, really? That’s cool. I wonder if I know her.”

They fall to talking about Victoria and the girl’s glamorous cousin (who evidently moved there because she had eloped with a boy that her parents, the girl’s aunt and uncle, had thoroughly disapproved of).

Remy stands by and smirks at the whole thing, swirling the seemingly unmeltable ice in her coffee. Patton’s not sure he’s entirely comfortable with that, but he really likes this girl, and with the way they’re talking it feels like it’s taken about five minutes to get the food table instead of the twenty that it probably is. The array of food is impressive: fruit bowls, a number of cold salads including potato, macaroni, and tuna, Indian rice, black beans, baked beans, tortilla chips, guacamole, and of course barbecue. Barbecued chicken, barbecued ribs, brisket...Patton can’t believe the school has the money to pay for all of this. Then again, he reasons, that’s probably where ridiculous tuition costs come in.

Patton takes what is probably way too much food and follows Remy and the girl they’d met in line to a clear spot on the grass.

“In the summer,” the girl tells him as they sit, “they bring a huge projector out here and show movies. It happens every weekend until it gets too cold.”

“Really?” asks Patton. “That’s so cool! Where did you learn that?”

“My sister used to go here,” the girl says breezily. She then proceeds to tell Patton everything she knows about the school: secret passages under the theater building, hauntings in the residence halls, scandals and epic senior pranks and legendary students. Patton doesn’t even feel like talking; he just wants to bask in the light coming off her.

About an hour later when the line’s died down he goes up to get more food even though he’s full; he’s not going to pass up an opportunity to eat barbecue, especially barbecue this good. The girl doesn’t seem to mind that he’s not contributing much to the conversation; instead, she seems to smile bigger or lean closer at his little “mhm”s and “gosh, what happened then?”s. Remy gets up and leaves and comes back and he hardly notices.

Finally his plate is emptied for a second time and the sun’s actually started to sink. Patton can’t believe how much time has passed. They’d been talking for ages. The lawn was still buzzing, of course, but people were starting to wander off to do other things--looking for freebies and checking out the halls. He suddenly remembers that his room still isn’t unpacked, and he hasn’t heard one word from Virgil. Not a single solitary “I’m okay” text.

He starts to get up with the intention of telling Remy that they should probably go unpack the room and falls back with a half groan instead. “Ugh, I don’t ever want to look at a piece of food again in my life.”

The girl giggles. “Should’ve slowed down, maybe?”

He smiles and shrugs. “Maybe.” He turns to Remy. “You wanna start unpacking?”

The girl brings a napkin delicately to her mouth. “You guys haven’t even started yet?”

“I was having too much fun,” says Patton sheepishly.

The girl tosses a long strand of hair over her shoulder. “Well, you two should probably go do that. I don’t mind, I’ve got other people to talk to.”

Maybe she doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but the tiniest cold shiver runs down Patton’s spine. “Hey, wait,” he says. “You’ve gotta at least give me your number, after all that.”

He swallows hard. He’s used to approaching people, used to being what most people would call ridiculously outgoing, but he’s never asked for someone’s number so blatantly before.

She gives him a coquettish smile. “I suppose.” She holds out a hand. “Unlock your phone?”

He does, and hands it over. She takes it, eyes flickering mischievously between his eyes and the screen, and a moment later hands it back to him, flicking it off before she does so. Then she gets up and leaves, disappearing into the crowd so fast that Patton doesn’t even have the time to process and call out a goodbye until it’s too late. He looks up at Remy, who arches an eyebrow at him high enough that he can see it over her sunglasses.

“Well,” she says. “That was eventful.”

“Do you like her?” Patton asks anxiously as they start to clear away the plates and napkins.

“Too quick for any kind of judgement,” Remy says evenly. “She is interesting, I’ll give her that. Hey, did she ever say what her name is?”

“Shoot,” says Patton. “I can’t believe I completely forgot to ask.”

“Check your phone, maybe?” Remy says.

Patton pulls out his phone and brings up contacts. She hasn’t exactly hidden herself; she’s the very first contact on the list. Or, at least, he assumes that that’s her. He’s not sure he knows any other “snake emoji you’ll see winking face”es.

But he has been known to make mistakes.

He shoots off a quick text to Virgil-- How ya doing, buddy?-- and leaves it at that. Of course he’s worried, but it never does any good to push at Virgil. He doesn’t know how to push back and inevitably the whole thing just gets messy and sad and more often than not it ends in tears for one or both of them.

Walking back to his room already seems the tiniest bit familiar, and Patton is hoping that by the end of the semester this path will be seared into his brain. He wants it to feel like home. He can already imagine walking back from a class or lunch or coffee with Remy wearing matching scarves and cardigans in the fall, talking and laughing.

Somehow he can’t see Virgil in a scarf or cardigan.

When he and Remy make it back to the room, just the sight of all the boxes stacked on the floor makes him want to collapse and never move again. But then Remy bumps him from behind and says “get moving, slowpoke, or we’ll miss movie night,” and he gets a surge of energy.

“There’s movie night?” he says, perking up.

“Uhuh. Snake emoji girl was right, they sometimes do them on the lawn, but I think tonight it’ll be in the drama building, in the theater. In case it rains.”

“What’re we watching?” he asks.

Remy shrugs. “No idea. But a movie’s a movie, right?”

Patton’s not entirely sure he agrees, so he just shrugs back and changes the subject. “Are you really going to call her snake emoji girl now?”

“Yup,” says Remy, grinning. “It’s stuck in my head and won’t get out. She’s going to forever be snake emoji girl so get used to it. Unless you’d prefer eye makeup sorceress, Rapunzel of curls, or little miss talkative.”

“Um…” Patton can’t really say that any of those are appealing.

“Great. Snake emoji girl it is.”

“If you say so.”

“...We should probably be unpacking instead of sitting on the beds and talking.”

Patton groans and stands up, but continues talking. It becomes rather quickly apparent that the two of them aren’t really able to be in the same room without talking, but they do manage to get all the boxes opened and their contents dumped out on the floor. This is very satisfying at first, but then Patton looks at the huge mess they’ve made of the floor and kind of wants to pull his hair out.

“No worries!” says Remy. “We just...uh...we need music.”

She pulls her phone out of her pocket, runs to the kitchen and comes back with a red solo cup, and puts on Pandora before placing the phone carefully in the cup. The music echoes out, a little tinny and artificial but definitely louder. Remy’s selected some song with sugary sweet pop tunes that all sound like they were played on the bus on the way to school in 2012-- Party in the USA, Girlfriend, Call Me Maybe, et cetera.

Honestly it’s not too far off from what Patton usually listens to.

“So where’d you meet Virgil? What’s his deal?” Remy asks as they start dividing up dresser and closet spaces, refolding the clothes that got jostled in the moving process or in being tossed to the floor (which is pretty much all of them).

“We grew up together,” Patton tells her. “We were in the same kindergarten class and...I dunno, I just kinda gravitated to him. The kid just looked so lonely, y’know?”

Remy glances over at him. “You remember thinking that all the way back then?”

Patton frowns. “I’m not sure. It’s just kind of a….feeling from a memory, that I remembered.” he shrugs. “And anyway, just look at him. Kid’s always had kind of a...lonely demeanor.”

Patton had always sort of hated that. Hated that his friendship wasn’t enough to lift the moodiness that seemed to settle around Virgil like dark clouds.

“Anyway,” he says, “We were friends in kindergarten, and just...never stopped. He had a whole lot of stuff going on in middle school, and it only got worse in high school….and I just...I wanted to be there for him, y’know?” He stares down at his tie dyed green tee shirt. “He’s like my brother. Heh, even my siblings just seem to think that he’s part of the family.”

Remy nods from her seat on the floor, going through a pile of sundresses. “I think that’s really great,” she says softly. “That you guys have been friends for so long.”

Patton smiles at her. “Well, hopefully we’ll be friends for just as long.”

Remy giggles. “That’s mathematically impossible, you dork. You’ll never know me for longer or as long as you’ve known him, because you’ll always have known him for whatever the number of years between kindergarten and freshman year of high school is longer than you’ve known me.”

Patton giggles at her. “All the same,” he says. “We’ll be close, right?”

“Definitely,” says Remy, shaking out a sundress patterned with red poppies. “Speaking of,” she says, suddenly sharp, “You never told me your thoughts on snake emoji girl.”

“That’s gonna get awkward to say real quick,” Patton mutters.

“Snemojirl, then,” says Remy, making Patton snort. “What’s the deal?”

“Aw, geez, I don’t know, Remy!” he says. “This is literally our first day on campus. We haven’t even had classes start yet.”

“Buuuut…” Remy prompts, wiggling her eyebrows. Patton sighs. “No ‘buts’ yet. No matter how good they look,” he adds cheekily.

Remy pouts. “But you’ll talk to me like we’re best friends and this is the first day we’re even meeting in person.”

Patton holds up a hand. “Actually- can we maybe limit talking about that?”

Remy looks puzzled. “Limit talking about what.?”

“About...us knowing each other before this.”

Remy only looks more confused. “But Patton, literally every set of roommates knows who the other roommate is going to be before they get to campus. Can you imagine meeting your roommate for the first time as soon as you get to campus? On the day you’re literally supposed to start living together?”

Patton chuckles uncomfortably, but he’s sure it sounds more like he’s choking. “Um, Remy-?”

“What?”

Remy looks up from her pile of sundresses and seems to catch his meaning. “Oh. Ohhh. Wait. Not oh. I’m confused. Explain. Why did Virgil just meet his roommate today?”

“He...he thought his roommate was going to be me.”

“Yeah? And you guys had some kind of problem with administration, right?”

“Uh...not exactly, no.” Patton buries his face in the shirt he’s holding. It smells like it’s been drying in the sun, like heat and dregs of laundry detergent and dryer sheets and his cologne. “Virge and I requested a room together. Well. We were supposed to. He requested a room with me. I….” Patton lets out a soft snort. “I was really, really stupid, Remy.”

“What’d you do?” Remy asks softly, and Patton can hear the concern in her voice.

“I withdrew my request to room with Virgil and put in preferences for a random roommate, and that’s how I ended up with you. That’s why I actually had to use the gender neutral opt in, because I was looking for people that were...not...Virgil.” Patton unburies his face from the tee shirt. It sounds awful when he puts it that way.

“Oh my god, why?” Remy asks. “Did you tell Virgil?”

Patton picks up the next tee shirt, tossing the first one into a drawer. “Did you see how upset he was? Of course I didn’t tell him.”

“But why’d you do it?” Remy repeats.

Patton balls up the next shirt he’s holding almost angrily, picks up the next one. “Because I really, really really want him to be able to survive on his own. He’s been clinging to me his whole life, and it’s not like I don’t mind….heck, if I could I’d never have him leave my side for the rest of our lives...but…” Patton bites his lower lip. “He’s dependent on me, I think.”

“Ohhh,” says Remy softly.

“I didn’t want him to just...y’know, keep on being the exact same all through college. And I feel like if I didn’t...fling him into the deep end, so to speak, he’d never learn to swim.

Remy stands up and lays a hand on his arm. “You’re not his dad, y’know.” Her tone is still gentle. “It’s not your responsibility to make him grow.”

Patton half pulls away, frustrated. “But no one else is going to do it! His parents treat him like some kind of ornamental goldfish! And like, not even like they know about and care about the proper treatment of ornamental goldfish! Just like...bad goldfish owners!”

“Still,” says Remy, “that doesn’t mean it should be your job.”

Patton groans and flops onto his bed. “I guess.”

Remy mirrors him, flopping onto her bed. “You wanna ask housing if we can do bunk beds?”

“Huh?”

“Enough serious talk, Pats, we’re gonna make our room look awesome.”

“Okay,” says Patton quietly.

“It’ll be fun,” Remy presses.

“Yeah.”

“Do you have any hobbies, Patton?”

“Uh...keeping Virgil out of trouble?” Patton tries to joke.

“Ha, ha. I mean fun stuff.”

“Before we talk about that, Remy, do you promise not to tell Virgil that I withdrew my request?”

Remy props herself up on her elbow and frowns at him from across the room. “Hm. I suppose so. But I honestly think you should tell him at some point. It’s not good to keep stuff like that from your friends. Especially if it’s eating away at you like this is for you.”

“Okay,” says Patton in a half groan. “I’ll tell him. At some point. I promise. But I’ll tell him after he discovers that he actually really likes his new roommate, and they’re super close friends, and their dorm looks so awesome he won’t wanna move, and he’s decided he likes all his classes, and-”

“Okay, okay,” says Remy, waving a hand at him. “But hobbies?”

Patton rolls over so he can look at her. “Well...I really like astronomy. So I do a lot of stargazing.”

Remy perks up. “Have you seen the observatory yet?”

“Yeah!” says Patton, lighting up like a glowstick. “Isn’t it awesome? I can’t wait to be there at night.”

“Me neither.”

They manage to unpack the room fairly quickly, outdated pop playing in the background and making Patton feel like he’s in a slightly lame but weirdly motivating music video for a teen summer blockbuster. The montage of unpacking at the awesome new school.

Two hours later, everything is put away and Remy is leaning over Patton’s shoulder as they check the internet for which constellations will be visible that night. Patton’s almost put Virgil out of his mind, determined to give him some space, when he gets a long overdue text back.

Patton. Can we meet somewhere that’s not my room? I’m not okay.

Patton’s heart sinks but he stands up from the computer, fingers already flying over the keypad. Sure, what’s up? Where do you want to meet?

By the river, maybe? I don’t know. I’ll tell you when we get there.

“What’s up?” Remy asks when Patton stands up. Patton must be frowning pretty hard at his phone.

“Uh...Virgil needs me. I’m not sure what’s wrong. I’ll be back later for movie night.” He gives her a halfhearted smile and pushes out the door before she can ask questions.

The river is almost right behind their hall. Patton has to walk along it for a while before he finds Virgil. Almost no one is around; Patton figures they’re all still at the barbecue or exploring the actual buildings on the grounds. Whatever it is, the nearest person is at least a quarter mile away on the other side of campus.

He’s perched on the guardrail of the bridge, hunched together, earbuds in. He looks like the album cover of a depressing band that died out in 2007. But then again, that’s how Virgil usually looks. It’s just striking Patton in particular right now.

“Virgil, buddy, what’s up?” he calls before he’s fully there.

Virgil looks up and Patton immediately goes still. His eyeliner is running all over his face; he hasn’t even attempted to wipe it away. He looks like he just got done sobbing.

As soon as Patton walks onto the bridge, Virgil hops off the railing, throws himself into Patton’s arms.

“P-patton, I h-hate my roommate. S-so much.”

“Aw, Virge,” says Patton, recovering from his shock enough to trail a hand over Virgil’s back. “Are you sure he’s that bad? I mean, you’ve known him, what, a few hours?”

“I d-don’t care. I w-wanna kill him.”

“Whoa there kiddo, that’s a bit of a leap, don’t you think?”

Virgil makes a vaguely disgruntled noise and wipes a hand under his eyes, smearing the eyeliner across his cheeks.

“I wanna go home, Pat. Just wanna go home.”

“This...this’ll feel like home soon enough, Virgil,” says Patton, hunting around for words. “Look, maybe this’ll be a really good experience for you! You got real good classes, didn’t you? Philosophy and biology and…” Patton can’t remember what else Virgil’s taking, so he just expands on those. “And you love philosophy, right? I can barely keep up with you. And you’re always drawing animals, and you have all those plants in your room.”

“It’s not the same,” Virgil mumbles. “Pat. I had a really bad panic attack just now. I think...I think they might be getting worse.”

Patton’s frown deepens. “Well, we can’t have that,” he says. “Why didn’t you call? Or walk over to my room? It’s only a few rooms down.”

“Couldn’t,” says Virgil. “I froze up again. Patton, what if I start having panic attacks in class? People are gonna think I’m a freak.”

“No, they’re not,” Patton sighs. “Plenty of adults have panic attacks. Especially, I’m sure, adults in college.”

Virgil whimpers.

“And,” Patton continues, “If you get a panic attack in class, you’ll just do what you did in high school. Wait it out if you can’t move, or go get a drink of water if you can. You don’t even have to ask anymore.” Patton tries to smile at him, but Virgil resists his attempt to pull his head away from Patton’s shoulder.

“If you want to, if it’s really bad, you can even walk out and not come back. Just go to your room to calm down, email the professor, take the rest of the day off. This is college, Virgil. We’re adults. People care way less what we do now.”

“Still,” Virgil wails. “I’m going to have to go back to my room with my awful roommate.”

Patton sighs. “Virge, really, you gotta give him a chance. For me?”

Patton can practically feel the frown emanating from Virgil. “I guess. For you.”

There’s another unexpected pulse of guilt. Patton squeezes Virgil, trying to make the feeling go away. “You coming to movie night tonight?”

“Um...I..uh...I might. Will there be food?”

Patton tries to hide his grin. He has a feeling Virgil’s just going to get away from his roommate, but still. “Probably. I’ll ask Remy.”

Virgil pulls away then, hops back onto the railing of the bridge, and stares off into the water as he attempts to (and fails miserably at) scrubbing the eyeliner off his face. “Okay. I’ll see you then.”

Patton tries not to feel offended. Virgil often shuts down after an emotional event or recovering from a panic attack. He feels like he should probably be used to it by now, but he’s not. But he respects Virgil’s space.

When he gets back to the room, Remy’s asleep. It looks like such a good idea that he curls up and goes to sleep on his own bed, clothes and all.