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danniburgh · 4 years ago

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Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 21

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.9k

Chapter warnings: uhm, this chapter is Javier’s perspective ehehe, so, beware fo feelings

A/N: This chapter is set in season three, episode ten. // again, i am really fucking sorry, but we are ALMOST DONE OMG, also i wanna say thanks to my official cheerleaders @queenofthefaceless and @maharani-radha-writes that helped me a lot and @alliterative-albatross that made me feel sure of some of the ideas i had for this chapter, i love you lots, guys. While proof reading this chapter for the first time i understood why it was the hardest to write, it was because i had just to strip myself naked and understand more of Javier Peña as i had built him... i just... im not quite pleased with the second half of this, but i know its needed.

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gif: @javier-pena (thank you so much for making this when i needed it the most, ily)

The air weighed on his chest; he felt his lungs struggling to find air; as he drove home, he felt his heart pounding hard and fast, as if it wanted to rip out of his chest and run and hide and die.

As if his heart wanted the same he did.

Javier couldn’t sleep that night. He didn’t even try to close his eyes after climbing into bed.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw you.

Jesus Christ.

His mind was reeling, he couldn’t stop replaying every single thing you told him in his mind.

“My name is not Florencia Martín”

“A precarious situation”

“Another Los Pepes scenario”

“You do care, you care a lot”

He wanted to crawl into a deep hole and bury himself to stop his body from feeling.

Javier cringed deeply when he remembered he had told you he had fallen in love with you without even thinking about it.

That certainly wasn’t the way you were supposed to find out.

He guessed, while tossing around on his bed, on the same sheets that still smelled like you, that he had it coming. He probably deserved it. But that didn’t make him feel any better, it stung.

It burned.

Javier had stripped himself naked for you, more than just his body, he had let you see him; he had let you touch him; he had let you read him; he had let you know him.

He had let himself feel and… he had let himself think he deserved something good.

He felt like such an idiot, stupid and embarrassed because there you had been… Standing in front of him, in a place he thought it would become something close to his fortress, breaking him. And he let you.

God. He had known you for less than six months, and yet he let you have power over him. All that power to make him whatever you wanted. He had handed you a sledgehammer and his heart and soul on a porcelain platter for you to shatter.

And he just took it.

Javier huffed at his own thoughts while his eyes were glued to the ceiling.

He was an idiot, wasn’t he? Having let himself feel all those things he had been so beware of for a woman he never really knew.

What else was fake about you?

He felt that sting, known and oh so foreign clench in his throat and he fought it. He fought it hard. Why was he feeling like that?

“A precarious situation”

“You do care, you care a lot”

He sat up and brought his knees to his chest, clenching his jaw so tight his face started trembling.

He had to unclench it so he could open his mouth and gasp for air because his lungs were tightening in his chest and he knew he just had to let go. He shook his head to nothing and fought it again. He would not break. He couldn’t.

But then he remembered he was all alone. Just him and his mind and... he stopped fighting for the first time in years and allowed his feelings to pour down from his eyes.

Javier clenched his jaw again as he felt the thick, years old tears pouring and pouring, clouding his sight, flooding his face.

“Fuck,” he muttered to nothing, resting his face on his hand and his arm on his knee, his chest struggling with the silent sobs he was drowning in.

Javier cried for around an hour.

He allowed himself to cry, to cry for you, because if he had allowed himself to fall in love with you and he had allowed you to wield power over him, he deserved a chance to fall apart as well.

He had earned it.

His tears of grief and pain became tears of anger and pain.

He was so angry; at himself, because, thinking again about everything you had told him, you had said something right; he had dragged you into having whatever the hell you two had. He had kissed you and practically turned your wrist into starting something with him only, and just only because he felt lonely. Because he felt like maybe, for the first time in decades, he could have something good. Because he felt like maybe it was time for him to love and be loved again when, in reality, he didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone.

He had let himself believe you could be something else, less complicated. But how wrong he was… Him? Loved? As if. Him? In Colombia? Laughable.

That country… It became more than clear how much he had lost by going down there.

He huffed again in between tears at how it took a massive hit to the heart for him to realize how much he had lost in the years he had been there.

He was so angry; at the system. The fucking system that forced you and him into taking assignments you didn’t deserve to take. There wasn’t another moment he hated more right then, than the moment he had said yes to returning to Colombia. His dad was right, he didn’t like what he found. And it truly changed him before he could change it. How he wanted to have listened to him, how he wanted to not be the stubborn ass he was and just… said no.

And you? You had taken an assignment that promised unreachable things, one that forced you into turning into a liar, one that didn’t let you be yourself.

Fuck, was he really trying to find justifications for what you did even though you had broken him in pieces?

He was so angry; at you. For lying to him and from dropping the facade, for taking off the mask that he had rushed to love, for thinking he deserved the truth instead of you leaving once everything was over. He thought it would have hurt less if you had just… disappeared.

He wouldn’t be crying at three in the morning on his bed if you had just vanished into thin air.

Javier remembered seeing the hope in your eyes when you were telling him the truth, who you really were, he saw it and he wanted to tell you he forgave you. But neither of you deserved something that good.

He was sure it all was some kind of karma. A penance for all his sins, a way too high price he had to pay for all the shit he had done.

He realized then, while sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, the same one he had shared with you for nights that felt burned into his memory, that you and him weren’t so different.

That you two had more in common than he had first thought. That you, as he had said to you before, when you were still wrapped around his arms on that same bed, were a person who was willing to do anything for a greater cause. That you as well were capable of doing anything if you thought it did good, that you also were capable of sacrifice, of losing everything as long as you were doing what you thought was the right thing.

And you had told him, as you cried your eyes out in front of him, facing him and facing and taking all the repercussions of your actions, that you really thought it was the right thing to do.

The realization was truly bittersweet. He didn’t like that even when you had broken his heart and stepped on the pieces as you walked out, he still understood why you did it.

After that despaired, miserable night, he decided he was done bringing you to the front of his mind, so he shoved all the memories of you and tried to repress them in the back of his head along with countless others he didn’t rather to address.

The next day he stepped into the office with less than half an hour of sleep he had seemed to catch while condemning himself in the solitude of his room and avoided looking at your still cluttered desk. Full of you.

He ignored Stoddard when he asked him where you were as he stepped out of the office to head to Cali an hour later and while the elevator brought him down to the lobby he tried to drown the way the mention of your fake name made him feel.

That morning you walked directly to the CIA office, every step you gave into the embassy hurt in your body, mind and soul as if each one had a dagger embedded deeply and an invisible hand was twisting each dagger deeper. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders. You entered, unannounced, into Stechner’s office, not even trying to hide the enormous amount of pain you were going through. You were tired of hiding things.

“Ah, my favorite DEA agent,” Stechner said when he saw you walk in “well, not anymore, I guess.” he smirked and you felt his gaze linger on your body, shamelessly.

“Let’s just get this over with.” you muttered, crossing your arms on your chest.

“Oh, this is more than over, alright?” the man leaned back on his chair and reached a manila folder that rested on top of others on his desk and raised it so you could see it “resignation, what a word,” he said, putting the folder back on the desk, opening the folder and taking the sole sheet of paper on his hand “really? after you failed almost epically?” Stechner smiled humorlessly and took your resignation letter in both hands and… ripped it in half.

You drowned a gasp.

“You have a flight to Washington today at noon.” he let out softly, feigning a comprehensive tone.

“Of course I do.” you mumbled, dropping your arms to the sides, feeling your eyes flood with tears as you saw him tossing the parts of your resignation letter in the trash can.

You blinked the tears away and quietly took a deep breath, halfway achieving a fake sense of stability you had fed yourself since the night before.

What were you thinking, after everything you did they would have let you get off easy? Of course not you silly girl.

“Oh, honey, you need a hug?” Stechner asked with a teasing gaze and a fake tone of worry “I bet breaking up with Peña really did something on you, you look like a mess”

You tightened your jaw and rolled your hands into fists, Stechner noticed, and his mocking face dropped.

“Anything else?” you asked him, voice hardened, with your eyes staring right into his, admonishing him, warning him. He knew what you were capable of, you knew he did.

He shook his head twice, and you lifted your chin up.

“I really wish you the best, sweetie.” he mumbled, dropping his gaze to his desk and trying to ignore the way your face turned into a scowl at the endearment.

“No, you don’t, you fucker,” you all but growled wanting nothing more than to erase that seemingly permanent smirk off his face that grew after he raised his head to look at you “you’re happy that I’m getting out of here like this,” you chuckled bitterly “you wanted this to happen, I hope you’re satisfied.” you let out all the venom you had been keeping inside you for that man in the last sentence you spat to him.

“You’re right, but I won’t say it,” he tutted and shook his head slowly “you really cost us a lot, sweetheart,” he mumbled and you were sure you were about to spit foam from the rage inside you “I hope you know that.”

You sighed and smiled bitterly at the man. Ever so fucking disgusting. For the first time in your life, you wanted something bad to happen to someone. And you didn’t regret it.

“I won’t ever forget it.” you spat at him in a soft voice that made him glare at you with a serious face.

You turned around and walked out of his office, leaving the door open, feeling his stare on your back.

Feeling, then more than ever, the insides of your mind finishing crashing down. Finally broken. Fully broken.

You walked towards the elevator and pushed the lobby button, hoping to dissolve in the way, hoping the elevator floor would just break and the void swallowed you and your body crashed against the concrete floor of the second basement.

But instead, the doors opened on the DEA floor and Stoddard stepped inside, shooting you a concerned smile as the doors closed.

“Hi, Florencia,” he looked at you and you tried to give him a smile, knowing you failed “you okay?” he asked, you blinked a few times before looking at him. He pushed his glasses up.

“Yeah!” you let out in a squeal “just peachy.” you drifted your eyes away and sighed again.

“I… thought you were in Cali.” Stoddard let out after a few seconds, you turned to see him with your brow furrowed.

“Cali?”

“Well… yeah,” he shrugged “the boss and the guys went back to Cali this morning.”

You let out a sigh, of both relief and worry.

“Oh,” you said under your breath “no, I…” you shook your head and tried to smile at him again and failed, this time he noticed “I needed to take care of something else.”

“I see,” he mumbled, the elevator doors opened and you stepped out “you sure you’re okay?” he asked, looking at you, you nodded several times.

“Yeah, Stod,” you assured him, trying to make him believe it, not quite sure if you believed yourself “I’m fine.”

Stoddard nodded at you as the elevator doors closed and you waved him once goodbye. Knowing it would be the last time. You walked out of the embassy in complete and utter shame, and some part inside you screamed that you deserved it.

Javier rescued another witness that day, because he still wanted to do something right even though he didn’t feel right himself.

But then, after sending Guillermo Pallomari to Miami, he had to return to his office. That place he had thought was his fortress, and then it was turned into… a dungeon.

He didn’t ignore your cluttered desk this time; he was alone in the office, there was no one that could say anything of him if he just… looked around.

A steel cup filled with different colored pens and only red markers, a pile of unsigned DEA reports, in one of the drawers a block of sticky notes running low, the same ones you made notes on and stuck on files when you reviewed them and that Javier hated to see because they were just so fucking bright, your red coffee cup you used when you didn’t have time to grab some at his house because he just kept kissing you until you both were late, which didn't happen at your place because Javier always woke up before you and started the coffee machine, a gun holster you hated to use because it just never clutched the way you wanted to your jeans and a small, brown journal he had never seen before and that he took because there wasn’t anyone that could say anything of him if he just… looked around.

He hesitated for a moment to open the journal, unsure of himself or of what he would find. The first page had your initials, your real initials written on the far left corner and just a list of names he didn’t recognize, next a few scribbles and a phone number. Javier skimmed through the pages and around the middle he found his name. Written in your pretty handwriting, with a few numbers underneath that looked dangerously close to file codes.

He snapped the journal closed and left it where he found it. He shouldn’t have looked.

In his office he found all the documents you had risked so much to gather and all the intel you just handed to him, pretty much as he had handed you his heart.

Javier let out a sigh and grabbed the folders, sitting behind the desk and opening the first one.

He re-read every single piece of information until his eyes stung from the exhaustion, or the cigarette smoke, or maybe more unshed tears he was once again fighting so hard to keep inside him.

Tears of sadness, it was a given. But also anger, and frustration and pain, and, as a bucket of freezing cold water, years of regrets fell on him.

Javier had tried, had tried hard to bury all that shit in some far, deep corner of his mind, as he had tried to bury you and all his memories of the last four? five? months. He really did. But at that moment, sheltered inside an office that didn’t feel like his anymore, past midnight, alone and so damn vulnerable, it all rose to the surface and he found himself drowning inside a sea of his own mistakes and past sins.

It was unbearable to stay there. So he grabbed the files that felt like burning in his hands and took off.

And so, Javier went back to an empty apartment that even though had been his for a long time, felt emptier than it had ever felt without you and reminded him only of you.

Why had he allowed his house to become a fucking shrine to the time you had spent there?

Everytime he looked at everything, from the fucking lamp at the corner of the end table to the damn waterbottle you left the last morning you were there on his kitchen counter, an image of you invaded his mind. Like a suffocating wildfire, spreading with the simplest blow of the wind. Covering him, trapping him, burning him and turning him into ashes.

That night he drank almost all the alcohol he had left in his house and even then, with his body full of booze, his intoxicated mind all the time returned to you. To your face, to your eyes and that color that was so common yet somehow looked so unique, to your voice and how you called his name either on a whisper or on a scold, to your smile and how apparently you had one only for him, to your hands and how you used them one night to touch him and the next morning to grip a gun, to how you drove him crazy from the very beginning. Fuck, he loved you. And he hated you all the same.

You gave him your resignation letter, you had left a job you claimed you loved so much that you had taken on something that did you so much wrong. You quit because of what they made you do, and probably, just probably, he had to do the same. Because of what they did to him.

Was it worth it? Everything he did… Was it worth something? Anything?

He thought again of everything he had done in the past decade and felt sick at what his brain was showing him. It really wasn’t.

The idea of doing something good, doing something that could give him a little peace invaded his mind and he spent half the night thinking of something he could do to finally, finally feel like he was helping.

The next morning he found himself sitting in the conference room with Crosby hovering around him. He huffed at himself, sitting there as if there was nothing wrong going around, with the ambassador looking at him with his ever so present judgemental smirk, as if he wasn't just pieces of a man that put himself together with the weakest glue when he got dressed that morning with less than two hours of sleep after being trapped inside his house that smelled like you with nothing but alcohol and time to think. His pop was right, they did something to him in that country. He just didn’t know what.

“Y’know how many times I’ve gotten a call from the Department of Justice and State the same morning?” Crosby rhetored, Javier looked at him, already tired of the lecture he was about to get “count ‘em on one finger, guess we have you to thank for that.”

Javier dropped his eyes to the oak table in front of him and absentmindedly tried to draw a pattern with the tip of his finger while half listening to Crosby telling him about his meeting with the Colombian president to demand that the gentlemen of Cali stayed in jail. He looked back at his boss and after half a second of pondering he told him he had a draft indictment of the president’s ties with the cartel, omitting the part of the story where he had drafted it half drunk the night before. And of course Crosby laughed at it.

Javier huffed again at himself when Crosby suggested he kept the draft to himself and he felt his blood starting to boil. He sighed and fought the urge to stand up and leave. What was he thinking? That a man like Crosby would back up a man like him? Just like that? What a naïve thought.

“The DOJ’s not gonna topple a government, Agent Peña,” the ambassador told him, obviating the statement, Javier felt his chest turn “you can’t tell me you’re surprised by that.”

“Some part of me was holding out hope, I guess.” he muttered to Crosby, who walked around the table and stood next to him, Javier didn’t even bother to hide his face from him, god how tired he was of hiding.

“Well, you should tell that part to grow the fuck up,” Crosby spat and Javier drowned a bitter chuckle “no, I mean it, Agent Peña, you should be happy,” the ambassador said and Javier frowned at the man “you played the system like a goddamn fiddle, you won.”

Javier opened his mouth to rebut the statement but Crosby just walked behind his chair and left the room, leaving him with the word in his mouth.

He felt his stomach toss in disgust, at his boss, at his job, at himself. Fuck that.

“Yes, sir.” he mumbled under his breath.

Did he really win something? The job that helped him escape from everything, the one at some point of his life felt like a dream, had become a nightmare. The woman he grew to love, after years and years of not feeling that, barely got out of there alive and the name he had whispered in extasis wasn’t even hers. Everything he had once believed in was melting away like wax on a candle and being washed away by a sea of regret, desolation and anger.

Did he really win something when he had lost everything? He had even lost himself in the process of what he and everyone around him had called a once in a lifetime opportunity to end a War that was so familiar to him it almost sat at the table on Thanksgiving with him and his dad.

And when he got out of the conference room, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, the idea of following your steps and quit became a lot more attractive to him.

So he went back to his empty home filled with your memories, resigned that he wouldn’t sleep much that night either, and stood in the middle of the living room, not knowing why he felt like a visitor in his own house, chain smoking, thinking about everything just because he wanted to stop thinking about you.

Javier walked to his window and dwindled himself to watch the cars down the street pass, the city was so unaware of everything. The country was so unaware of how it was being torn apart by the same people that were elected to take care of it. And he was so fucking angry, at everything and everyone, at himself. And so tired. Exhausted.

The phone rang behind him and he didn’t even flinch at the sound, even when practically no one called his house phone. He just let the machine get it.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…” he stiffened in place when he heard your voice and turned his head to eye the cradle “I know you probably don’t wanna listen to me right now but…” you sounded small, your voice sounded thin, Javier turned around and walked towards the phone “uhm, I wanted to apologize again and…” he felt like he couldn’t think, his mind was filled with your voice as if it were a fog that clouded his vision, he wanted to pick the phone up, he wanted to ask you where you were and tell you to come home to him, but his brain wasn’t letting him “I–I’m in Washington and I tho–thought…” his eyes closed on themselves when he heard you sigh and choke down a sob “forget it, uhm, I just… fuck…”

Javier looked at the phone, the sound of static still there, he pondered if he should just swallow his anger and his newfound pride and just pick up.

“I think someone will contact you about this and I just wanted to let you know I–I didn’t tell them anything about... us…” he heard you chuckle softly and he just stood there, rolling his hands into fists, waiting for you to say something else, “I’m sorry, Javi, uhm… I really think I did the right thing by telling you, I’m just sorry it had to be like this…” you sniffed on the phone and Javier sighed, “I guess I also wanted, uhm, to hear your voice… shit.” he closed his eyes and grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” he said and gripped the receiver when the sound of the cut line replied to him.

Javier threw the receiver on the floor and sat on the couch, cursing at himself for his weakness and his hesitation altogether.

He rested his head on his hands while thinking on the few things you had said, if you were in Washington talking to the directives that meant they didn’t let you resign, that meant they were firing you. And you called him to let him know his involvement was minimal, because still after everything you were trying to divert the backlash from him.

God how he was tired.

That’s when he decided, he was going to do it. Not only for what you had made him feel, but because he just needed to leave back all the baggage he had been carrying with him for almost a decade. He needed to let go. He knew it, he needed to free himself of something that turned him entirely into a different person that wasn't even close to what he had been before, because no one else would do it for him.

And he had nothing else to lose. Absolutely nothing.

Once that thought occupied his mind, he finally could lay down on the couch and sleep.

The next morning Javier just re-dressed and called his journalist contact, he had decided, in his pre-sleep haze, that he was just gonna tell the truth. To everyone.

Just as you did with him, he was going to use all the information you had given to him to redeem yourself of your own baggage to get rid of some of his.

Even when he didn’t want to think of you, you were still helping him.

And the truth went out as he told it, and he let himself out of the whole situation by following your steps.

Until the ambassador called him into his office later that day and that time… Javier felt like he could tell the man absolutely anything.

He had nothing else to lose.

When he walked into the office Crosby was watching the news about his little interview. Javier walked and sat in across from him, feeling something that looked like freedom. But his mind was still reeling with guilt and loss.

“You didn’t really call the country that we’re guests in a narco democracy.” Crosby asked without asking, Javier looked at the man and shook his head once.

“Are you sayin’ that it isn’t?” he replied, looking at the ambassador tightening his jaw.

“The state department’s livid.”

Javier nodded a few times.

“Good, they’re responsible,” he let out and shrugged slightly “we all are.”

“Samper is not going anywhere.” Crosby let him know, quite exasperated. Javier dropped his eyes to the man’s desk.

“Well, at least people know the truth.” he said, including himself in the sentence. No more lies.

Javier saw Crosby shake his head and study the four walls that surrounded them, and he caught himself wanting to read him like you would be able to.

“I want you gone, Peña,” the ambassador told him, Javier guessed so “so do the colombians.”

“I understand, sir.” Javier replied and Crosby said nothing else. He looked at the ambassador for a few seconds and saw also a shell of a man. He guesses that it wasn’t so much the job that took a person’s humanity, but the context in which they do it.

He stood up and walked towards the door.

“You know…” Crosby called, Javier turned around “any aspirations you had for your career just got dragged behind the barn and shot.”

Javier licked his lower lip and allowed himself to look intently at the ambassador, the man looked at him with something he thought was pity.

“I resigned from the DEA this morning.”

Crosby stood up straighter when he heard it, Javier said it almost solemnly, and saying it out loud not only made it more real, but it really made him feel light as a feather for the first time since he was a teenager when he walked out of the ambassador’s office for the last time in his life.

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orsuliya · 4 years ago

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I concur with @dangermousie. This is hands down one of the best scenes - if not the best! - in this amazing drama. It’s the snap we’ve been waiting for and the biggest middle finger imaginable towards those nobles we so love to hate - all rolled into one epic battle of wills.

Xiao Qi enters the hall, having actually asked for an audience, which means he chooses to adhere to the protocol again... Except that he comes armed and accompanied by six armed Ningshuo soldiers, two big no-nos of royal audiences. Wearing mourning white is the third. Three strikes against Zitan’s authority and he hasn’t even opened his mouth yet!

Oh, and here’s the fourth. Xiao Qi does kneel this time, but he does it in the wrong place and only after Turnip Wang asks him what the hell is he doing, does he not know anything about court etiquette? With such suspicious timing it almost looks like Xiao Qi deigns to kneel only because of this pesky thing called etiquette, not because of any actual respect towards the Emperor.

But he does kneel! Only now he refuses to get up. This man!!! In episode 60 he weaponized bowing, in episode 61 he did the same with not-bowing and not-kneeling and now he’s unleashing his kneeling skills. I’m afraid to ask what might be next. Oh, and those six Ningshuo soldiers? They kneel only after their Prince does. Sufficiently after to make it clear they’re taking their cue from him and him alone.

Zitan asks what brings Xiao Qi here and gets the same answer everybody has been getting for some time now. Xiao Qi wants justice for his men. Zitan plays the fool and replies that they were already served justice. Prince Yuzhang’s name is cleared and so are theirs. Ooookay. How is that supposed to work? There’s no word of the investigation being completed, so right now it looks like Potato just keeled over and died. And so did a few thousands of good men and mooks. You need to name a guilty party, Zitan. Or scream to the heavens that you shall find the guilty party and condemn them in absentia, whoever they might be. You haven’t done either of those things.,. This whole regicide business hangs in limbo, ergo, no names are completely cleared and no honour restored.

The problem is not that all those nobles don’t understand that this looks suspicious as hell. They do. It’s just they don’t understand why Xiao Qi doesn’t let it go, once his reputation gets restored. Why does he keep pressing on and on? Hu Yao explained the reason for that quite neatly over her brother’s grave. Soldiers - and Ningshuo soldiers most of all - are alright with going to their death for the right cause. Dying in battle is a professional risk, one they’re used to. It’s also honourable. The problem is not that a few hundred men died, it’s that they died due to deception and daggers in the dark, hunted and killed by their own. That’s no death for a soldier!

Zitan and all those nobles will never in a million years understand that, so Xiao Qi might have to use smaller words. Which he does with great aplomb, once it becomes pretty clear that Zitan is not going to lead the mourning ceremony himself. It’s against tradition, you see. Emperors don’t do that for fallen soldiers, only for the Heavens and for their own ancestors. Well, Xiao Qi does not think that imperial ancestors are inherently more worthy than his soldiers.

And so starts the beatdown.

Zitan is all agog and aghast. Xiao Qi dares to force his hand?! He dares to treat Zitan’s autonomy like a football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Xiao Qi! Jail for Xiao Qi for a thousand years!

Xiao Qi attacks right back. The court forced my soldiers, leaving us no way out, he says, looking straight into Zitan’s eyes as I start to understand what is going on here. It’s not that Xiao Qi does not want a mourning ceremony for his men. He absolutely does; he would keep heaping one honour after another upon them if he could. And having the Emperor lead the ceremony himself is undoubtedly an honor, the Emperor being Zitan notwithstanding. But why this insistence, why this merciless attack? Why, it’s psychological warfare time! Xiao Qi doesn’t want any Emperor for this ceremony, he wants Zitan, his primary suspect. I think he’s counting on Zitan being in possession of such alien and unfathomable things as shame and conscience. No luck there, sorry, Xiao Qi. Zitan will absolutely go and mourn his victims. And he’ll smirk inwardly all the while. He’s only resisting now because he hates you for stealing his girl.

After delivering what would be a devastating blow to any somewhat moral human being, Xiao Qi, almost overcome with emotion, turns his back to Zitan and starts tearing into nobility as a class. No, he really does.

Finally someone has the courage to say what needed to be said a long time ago. Xiao Qi has no compunctions calling the nobles out on their uselessness. If not for the lowborn trash like him and his men, who give their lives and blood daily to protect the borders, where would all those fat nobles be? Not enjoying their fortunes, that’s where. And betrayal is what those soldiers got in return.

And you know what, I think he got through to a few of them, which is a miracle in itself. Song Huaien actually looks ashamed of his noble aspirations, though that won’t last long. Zitan, on the other hand, is absolutely unapologetic. No shame to be seen anywhere in his eyes, only something very close to dark joy. I’m starting to think he’s feeding on Xiao Qi’s emotional pain.

Xiao Qi, instead of murdering this psycho for the betterment of society, keeps using his words. He demands proof! No, not proof of guilt (although that would be nice), proof of Zitan actually deserving to keep living. If there is no such proof? Xiao Qi won’t obey. His (!) Ningshuo soldiers won’t obey. And neither will the common people of Cheng.

Can Zitan lower himself to actually doing this one small ceremony in exchange for his life and throne with anything resembling good grace? Is he able to feel even the smallest tinge of conscience? Or perhaps he may be able to let his passive-aggressiveness go out of sheer self-preservation? Yeah, dream on.

As always, he is saved by the bell. Or, in this case, by knees hitting the floor. Song Huaien is the first to kneel, then Turnip, Gu Himbo is third, the rest follows soon after. And now that it has turned into Zitan vs Ministers, he folds. Why wouldn’t he? It’s not like he cares about anything other than sticking it to Xiao Qi. And he’ll find ample opportunity, no worries about that.

Pity he doesn’t have his bow, he’d try to shoot Xiao Qi dead. What? Knowing his skill, he’d miss anyway!

#the rebel princess #monarch industry #episode 62

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collapse-and-comfort · 4 years ago

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Sudden Movements

I wrote this a while ago but I can’t find it anywhere on here, so I’m reposting it! I love the “character wakes up in a mental institution trope.” Please enjoy my self-indulgence!

Fandom: The Man from U.N.C.L.E

(CW: Forced Sedation, Mental Institutions, Restraints)

It was late morning when Illya resurfaced, thirsty and aching.

His tongue felt too thick in his mouth. Light played off the beige walls.They were far removed from the dank, concrete walls of the other place.

Where, then? And why?

His sluggish mind supplied no answers. The inability to immediately translate stimuli into meaning grated on him, and made his heart rate pick up. Sweat spiked on his brow, and when he tried to raise a hand to brush it away he found that his wrists were bound to the bed. His ankles, too. He tried to lift his upper body to afford himself a better view, but the heavy leather strap across his chest prevented that. His breathing escalated as he began to struggle. The binds had limited slack, though the cuffs were padded. He was not meant to do damage to himself, then. He supposed he should have been grateful they weren’t steel manacles, but this was a different sort of captivity.

The more he moved his hand, the more he felt the vein in his left hand burning. There was a needle there. He didn’t have to see it to know it. His eyes traced up the IV line, though he couldn’t see where it terminated. That explained why his mind and body were so slow, but he didn’t know what chemical was being fed directly into his veins. The thought made him tug harder, but without any real coordination.

“It’s alright,” someone said. The unfamiliar voice coupled with the hand that was placed on his thigh was the final straw.

“Nyet! ” The word was out of his mouth before he could stop it, and the fear in his voice jumbled with the effects of whatever drug he was on created a foreign sound, utterly devoid of self or sense. He struggled even harder.

“You’re safe, Mr. Kuryakin. Please try to calm yourself.”

The pressure of the hand became more assertive, and the voice attached to it had raised in volume, but remained calm and entirely reasonable. For a moment, the man at his side had been someone else. Someone he didn’t think he’d ever escape.

He’s dead, Illya reminded himself.

With his energy flagging, Illya’s breath hitched and he turned his head on his pillow to see the voice’s owner. His eyes were gray, and downturned at the corners. They appeared kind. He had white hair and a white beard. He sported a paunch. His mouth was a thin line, but that fact did nothing to detract from the friendliness of the smile that greeted Illya.

“ Gde? ” He rasped.

He gave a final, pitiful tug at the restraint on his left wrist as his unhealed wounds dogged him as well. He drew in a juddering breath, and translated himself on his exhalation.

“Where?”

He searched the stranger’s face. The man nodded, and with a pat on Illya’s leg, he leaned back in his chair.

“You’re safe,” he said with an understanding smile. “You’re-”

“Where?!” Illya’s entire body tensed and pulled at the leather restraints before panting with the exertion and hating how scared he sounded. “Who are you?!”

The man’s eyes narrowed, not in anger. Rather, they seemed to focus even more intently on Illya. Another figure stood -How long had he been there? -with his arms crossed. He cut an imposing figure, and he looked down at Illya with disapproval. Illya’s muscles tensed even more, and his eyes flashed a warning despite the fact these people could do anything to him, and there was nothing he could do to stop them. The thought made him want to both fight and scuttle away, but neither was a viable option.

“Everything okay?

“Everything’s fine, Paul.”

“I’ll be outside,” Paul said before casting another dubious look at Illya and disappearing out the door. Illya glared after him until the doctor spoke.

“My name is Doctor Vaughn,” he said. He kept his tone slow, and careful as though he worried Illya would misunderstand. “This is a private facility in upstate New York. You suffered a mental breakdown after your rescue, after which Alexander Waverly had you brought here for your own safety.”

Illya’s head swam.

He’d spent over a month denying he’d ever heard the name Alexander Waverly. Now here it was, casually stated. A fact. One of the people responsible for saving him. The person who put him here.

“You’re…” Illya trailed off. Vaughn was what? Lying? Playing a horrible joke? Crazy?

Illya swallowed and really regarded Vaughn, who looked down at him with what appeared to be earnest sympathy. Perhaps he was waiting for Illya to continue with that tack. Illya laid his head back on the pillow. Waverly wouldn’t betray him like this. No, there had to be a good reason.

“Why?” he whispered.

Vaughn nodded and scratched his chin as though he were pondering the parameters of Illya’s question. Illya opened his mouth to ask again -why was any of this happening? -but Vaughn laced his fingers in his lap and began to answer.

“What you went through on your last mission -your imprisonment, torture, the loss of a younger agent -”

Morgan, he thought.

Illya closed his eyes and shook his head. The darkness did nothing to curb the disorientation. Or the guilt. He was surprised by his binds again when he tried to cover his ears. He groaned. He couldn’t prevent Vaughn from saying those things anymore than he could prevent himself from hearing them.

“-these things have left you compromised. Hurting.”

Illya opened his eyes to meet Vaughn’s. There hadn’t been any condemnation or ire in Vaughn’s voice, but Illya flinched just the same. He was a broken thing to be fixed. A lump formed in Illya’s throat and he choked back the words ‘I’m fine.’ The ridiculousness of the thought didn’t escape him, even in his drugged state. A dark chuckle dredged its way out of him. It was a sludgy sound that in no way qualified as laughter.

“We want to help you process. To heal. We’ve been trying to stabilize you this past week...”

Illya opened his mouth to insist he needed no such help, but fell silent when Vaughn’s words sunk in. A week?! That wasn’t right. It couldn’t be, could it? He’d been rescued, and returned to U.N.C.L.E.’s headquarters, and then…

“You were, understandably, having difficulty adjusting after your rescue. A few weeks afterward, you suffered a collapse of sorts. Do you remember?”

Illya’s body went hot and he was certain he was going to be ill. There were patches of memory, but what led here? Illya swallowed his dread and remained silent.

“It seems you had an episode, during which you broke a fellow agent's arm, and the nose of another,” Vaughn continued.

A tiny noise escaped Illya’s throat. He could remember that old, familiar loss of control; everything going red. But there had been something else, too. There hadn’t been just rage. There had also been fear, and the need to escape. That same hideous desperation was clawing at the edges of his consciousness now. The memory of crunching bone made his stomach roil. It was less the recollection of the sound than it was the memory of the force and unmitigated fear that had propelled his actions; the lack of control.

“I understand spells like these, these dissociations, are not necessarily a new affliction for you.”

There was no accusation in Vaughn’s voice, but Illya didn’t respond.Those spells rendered him dangerous. He knew that, but never against his fellow agents.

Illya wanted to weep. He could have pulled in great, gasping breaths, but he clenched his jaws as though to keep his agony behind them. He dragged air in and out through his nose. He was aware of the pitiable sound it made. Tears stung his eyes. He swallowed hard and finally gasped for breath.

“I cannot be here,” Illya said as his eyes searched Vaughn’s. He began to pull at the restraints again, though he knew full well they wouldn't give. He couldn’t help it. He dug his feet into the mattress to compensate for his upper body's lack of mobility. He strained against the strap across his chest.

“It’s okay, Mr. Kuryakin,” Vaughn said as he stood. He did so with the fluidity of a man many years his junior. He disappeared from the room for a moment, but returned shortly thereafter with Paul in tow. “I appreciate that this is difficult, but I promise we are here to help you. We’re not going to hurt you.”

Illya caught sight of the syringe Paul had, and redoubled his efforts. He panted and cursed, not caring how crazed he might look; how dazed, and stupid, and ineffectual. Or how afraid. The restraints dug into his skin as he pulled. Vaughn advanced on him reciting calm, practiced assurances, the bulk of which were lost on Illya.

“NO!”

“Ssshhh, it's okay, Illya. It’s alright,” Vaughn said as he placed one hand on Illya’s left shoulder, and another on his left forearm. “You need the IV in for now. Paul is just giving you something to help you calm down. It’ll help. It”ll help.”

Paul loomed somewhere out of Illya’s line of sight, and Illya could hear similar, less sincere assuagements from him. Vaughn patted Illya’s shoulder. It was difficult to say if there was any condescension in the gesture, but the audacity of the gentleness made Illya wild with mistrust and the need to be free. The muscles and blood vessels in Illya’s neck and throat stood out in alarming relief as he continued to lunge, pull, and twist to try to see Paul.

“Do not touch me!” he snapped as his attention shifted between the two men. “No! No!”

It was too late.

Paul walked back into his field of vision. A cold burn crept through his veins, the source of which was stealing what remained of his senses. He willed himself to keep fighting, but thought did not translate to action. The forcefulness of his resistance ebbed, and the sound of his own erratic breathing filled his ears.

This isn't fair, he wanted to say as he felt his muscles go lax. The frown on Vaughn’s face told Illya that he would sympathize. Paul and Vaughn gently moved Illya’s limbs so that they were not bent uncomfortably.

“Nuh…” Illya mumbled. The shapelessness of the word ignited something in Illya, but it was snuffed out as quickly as it sparked. His world tilted and blurred.

“Rest,” Vaughn said. “This will pass.”

#tmfu #illya kuryakin #mental isntitutions #forced sedation #restrained #involuntary commitment #the man from UNCLE #psychiatrists #drugged #post trauma #mentions of dissociation #poor illya #I love him #I've always been pretty chuffed with this one.#released into the wild

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gra-sonas · 4 years ago

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I didn’t mean to be “silent”, this just took me much longer to write than I had planned.

First of all, I’d like to point you in the direction of a very good post @adiwriting posted a couple of days ago, that sums things up in a very articulate way, you can find it HERE.

~*~

In short: in his most recent interview with the Pretty Little Wine Moms Podcast, Tyler - who’s playing a character who’s half Native American - revealed, that he did a DNA test with a company called 23AndMe during the filming of season 1 of Roswell, New Mexico, and he test didn’t detect Native American ancestry, even though his grandmother had told him in 2010, that his paternal grandfather Harold's great grandmother was Cherokee Indian.

Below the cut is a transcript of that part of the interview, my opinion on this whole thing, and I answered a couple of asks I got about it. This is a VERY long post.

I’ve already watched the video of the interview, and it shows, that they edited the interview quite heavily. There are several cuts throughout the episode, and some things that can be heard in the audio version, didn’t make it into the video either.

TRANSCRIPT [I didn’t transcribe every laugh or random words, but I’ve tried my best to make it as accurate as possible]

LESLEY: Did you audition for any of the other roles on PLL?

TYLER: No, Caleb came in halfway through season one. I remember, it was supposed to be a 4-episode stint, a guest starring role. What’s funny though, I lived right by Warner Brothers [studios], so I would drive […] past Warner Brothers and there was a bill board of Pretty Little Liars before it came out and I was like “I could probably be on a show like that.” So, anyway, I auditioned for Caleb, yeah. I never read for… […] No, I didn’t get the role at first because they were like “we really think he needs to be like really ethnic. We need some ethnic diversity. And I was like—

LESLEY: What are you? You’re like “hello”! Part Native American, i mean.

TYLER: Well, no, I’m actually not. I’m actually not, I found out.

HOLLY: Whaaaat? Yes, you are. We did talk about this.

NIA: I thought you were.

HOLLY: We talked about this on set.

TYLER: Do you know when I found out that I wasn’t is when I got Roswell, my character was also supposed to be Native American, half Native American. And I was like “great”, because the pool was like so small. You know, so this is great, you know. I’m shooting season one of the show and do a 23AndMe [DNA test] and I have literally not even 0.1 % Native American.

HOLLY: That can’t be possible.

NIA: No, no, no, no, let me explain how that works. That’s not right.

HOLLY: Nia has some things to tell you.

NIA: The information - I know these things, every nationality in me—

TYLER: Okay, tell me.

NIA: 23AndMe is pulling from— if you do 23AndMe and then you do… what’s the other one—

LESLEY: AncestryCOM

HOLLY: AncestryCOM

NIA: —they’ll come up different. And the reason they’ll come up different from each other is, they’re pulling from the people they already have in their database. So, if there’s not very many Native American people doing 23AndM—

HOLLY: Which there isn’t.

NIA: —it’s not gonna show up.

TYLER: Oh god.

NIA: Yeah.

[INFO: There’s a clear CUT at this point before the interview continues, they even cut Tyler’s “Oh god” you can hear in the audio from the video. So they must’ve talked about this some more before the official version of the interview continues.]

TYLER: Okay, so this is what happened, going back [to being cast as Caleb]. They said “thank you so much for the read” and I really thought I was gonna get it. Because Gayle Pillsbury [PLL casting director] - I’d never even read for her before - and I went in and auditioned, and her response was literally everything you want in an audition. She like lost her fucking mind and was like “where did you come from?”, you know, that sort of thing. I mean, I’m a TERRIBLE auditioner and I get so unbelievably nervous, so for that to be the response—

LESLEY: Wow.

TYLER: So that response… I was like “oh my gosh”. And you even audition and you’re like “I booked it. I booked it!”, you know what I mean? Even though it’s not up to her, you know, but anyway. Then they told me “thank you so much for the read, it was so good, but we want more ethnic diversity”. They came back to me, I don’t know, three weeks later? And they were like “What is your background?” And I was like “I don’t even know.” I called my dad, he tells me “I don’t even know.” He’s like “Call grandma.”. I call my grandma, she tells me her side and then… My dad’s dad passed away before I was born, I don’t know his side of the family at all. So my grandmother talks about his side of the family and says “You know—“ - it was Harold, Harold was my grandfather’s name - —“Harold’s great grandmother was Cherokee Indian. And I was like “Really?” I was like “This is good!”

WINE MOMS, LAUGHING: “This is good!”

TYLER: So, then I told casting “I’m Native American.” And so they thought it was enough to cast me as, you know, ‘ethnically ambiguous’ or whatever.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

~*~

I’m not an expert on DNA tests. Nia’s comment that tests from different companies come back with different results bc they pull their data from different gene pools makes sense, but I can’t verify whether that's actually the case. Neither do I know whether her claim that 23AndMe pool lacks Native samples for reference is correct.

If it is, it would mean that 23AndMe DNA tests in general wouldn’t be able to detect Native ancestry in any sample. Maybe a test with a different company would come up with a different result, in any case, it would be a very small percentage, given how many generations are between Tyler and his Native ancestor.

The result of the test is only one piece of the puzzle tho, and not the relevant one.

The question isn’t whether the result indicates that what Tyler’s grandma told him is false. The question is, if one Native ancestor 5 generations back and no tribal affiliation of any kind entitle Tyler to play POC characters.

The answer is a clear no, and yet he’s been cast as non-white characters (and in one case as an explicitly Native character) twice in his life.

That’s unfortunate at best, and ignorant at worst.

~*~

Tyler auditioned for PLL in 2010 when he was 23, turning 24 that year. Initially he didn’t get the role bc they wanted someone “ethnic”. They called him 3 weeks (!) after the initial rejection and asked about his background, and by talking to his grandma, he found out about this Native ancestor.

2010 was a mere decade ago, but it was also a different time. Discussions about diversity and representation on screen, the question whether it’s okay for male actors to play trans women or if shows should pass the Bechdel test were all topics that weren’t discussed as “aggressively (and I mean that in a very positive way, hammer it home that all these things matter!) as they are discussed today, and structures in the TV and movie industry ignored most of it anyway (still do way too often, lbr).

Looking back, it’s easy to condemn what happened as vigorously as we would condemn it if it happened today, but applying today’s standards to 2010 is still a bit unfair. (I’m not saying that what happened is okay, just that back then the level of awareness for it to be wrong wasn’t the same as it is today).

Sure enough ABC execs were all too happy to accept that minimal partial Native ancestry as “enough” to cast him, probably also because Tyler looked “ethnically ambiguous” to them, whatever that means. (Holly also mentioned that they talked about Tyler’s Native ancestry on the set of PLL, and apparently not a single person pointed out that maybe it was a questionable decision...).

Tyler was trying to get his career started back then, and an opportunity like PLL would be any young actor’s dream. When they told him “you’re ethnic enough, you’ve got the job”, he lacked the tools and the awareness to question their decision, neither did anyone ever question Tyler’s decision to accept the role. It was considered to be “okay” by all sides. Which is a systemic problem.

As far as I know, Caleb’s supposed “ethnically diverse” background was never explored on PLL, so they were just happy he looked “ethnic" but never gave a fuck about actual representation. Welcome to the club of most TV shows ever made. Even in 2020, too many shows and movies still try to pull that shit. The difference is, that nowadays they are called out, and people speak up.

~*~

Fast forward to 2017 when Tyler got the script for Roswell. 7 years of him believing that this partial Native ancestry made him part Native, not half like Alex Manes, but it probably felt like it was “enough” - it had been enough for PLL after all.

He got cast because he’s a great actor, but also because he supposedly had the required ethnic background. This is also on the studio tbh. I assume he was asked about his background and he must’ve told them the same story (since he didn’t have a DNA test he could’ve shown them), and for The CW “one Cherokee Indian ancestor 5 generations back” was also “Native enough”...

~*~

It’s quite a bit of a mess tbh. Fans have been hit rather hard by this revelation, some are angry, some are disappointed, some feel uncomfortable, some probably don’t know whether how they feel is how they should feel after applying all our new-found 2020 ~wisdom and awareness to the situation.

Opinions on the matter differ. Vastly in some cases. Some people feel betrayed, some have “cancelled” Tyler, for others it’s not ideal but also not that big of a deal. It’s a mixed bag, really.

As for me: 2010 Tyler gets a pass from me. It was a “different time” with different industry rules in place, and ABC’s higher ups, who should’ve known and done better, didn’t. Neither did anyone in casting, nor his management, colleagues, or anyone in his personal life. And he clearly lacked the experience and awareness to question the decision, or himself for accepting it because it never was questioned! Not even in the years following.

2017 Tyler only gets a partial pass. 2017 wasn’t 2020 and too many things were still not all that different from 2010. He’d been on a show for 7 years where this partial Native ancestry was “enough”. Hence he probably felt like auditioning for the role of Alex was okay, and everyone involved in the casting process thought so, too.

He never pretended to be Native American to get the role, he never pulled a Scarlett Johansson. However... he probably should’ve questioned a bit harder whether a Native ancestor 5 generations back makes him “Native enough” to play a (half) Native character, or any kind of POC character for that matter.

So yeah, definitely putting some blame on him for the lack of awareness, but I’m also side-eying The CW and whoever was involved in the decision making.

~*~

What I hope for and expect fromTyler now and in the future is, that he won’t ever allow to be cast as any kind of “ethnic” character ever again.

He’s worked hard and has very much earned the career he’s made. He’s an amazing actor, but the circumstances that gave him the opportunity to have that career are based on racist structures in the TV and movie industry, and he directly profited from a system, that cast him - for all we know a white man - as a man of color. Twice.

Imo Tyler’s well aware of these things now. 2020 in particular should’ve been a pretty good eye-opener. It’s good that he has someone like Jeanine to look up to and learn from (not her job to teach him or take him by the hand or anything, but I think she’s a great example of someone who’s already made a name of herself, and uses her influence to help others, and the way she talks about diversity and elevating marginalized voices is very powerful), and I hope that in the future he’ll use is voice and “weight” as an established actor, to elevate minority voices and push for their stories to be included.

Answered your question in part above already.

It’s important to note that there’s a difference between criticizing someone’s actions, and openly hating and/or dissing them. This is a messy situation, and while Tyler can’t change the past, he has to do better in the future. Saying that doesn’t make me (or anyone else) a hater. Tyler’s amazing, but he’s also not perfect. And he doesn’t have to be. No one’s perfect.

When I look back at my life, dear god, I grew up in a very liberal family, we travelled places, I had access to all the books and education, and still. At 23? I was somewhat anti-feminist and a slightly conservative leaning liberal. Not a bad person per se, but also quite ignorant (compared to today’s standards anyway). Thankfully that’s changed over the years. And it keeps changing. Because getting complacent and thinking “I know it all” is BS. I’m working on myself every day, and I’m still prone to fuck up occasionally bc the system is rigged in my favor, and I might not even be aware of it in that moment.

I’m not cross with Tyler, because I can’t say for certain I hadn’t done the same if the circumstances had been similar. I’m actually quite sure I had done the same, bc society and the industry made it okay. AND NO ONE EVER QUESTIONED IT! He never claimed more for himself than a Native ancestor 5 generations back, and society at large and the TV/movie industry in particular said “that’s fine, you have that ancestry, you can go for diverse roles”. So in part, he fell victim to a system that pretended it was okay.

With MeToo and the Black Lives Matter movement, that “it’s okay” mentality is finally questioned and challenged, and more and more people speak up whenever someone tries to pull this shit. But it still keeps happening and there’s a lot more work to do.

No one can claim ignorance anymore, though. And he has to do better in the future.

I feel you, nonnie. It’s a messy situation. Imo it’s most unfortunate that this information came out the way it did. In a heavily edited podcast episode with inexperienced (and dare I say “industry-biased”) moderators. We don’t know what else he said or for how long they talked about this.

The podcast hosts were clearly not the most qualified to handle that kind of revelation. There were no follow-up questions, there was no criticism, and the way the interview was edited, the whole thing was treated as a non-issue and “fun” anecdote. Which doesn’t do Tyler any favors tbh.

But imo it’s also unfair to condemn him solely on what they decided to release. We don’t know what else he said, whether he expressed remorse or whatnot. I don’t know whether his publicist okayed the interview prior to its release. If they did, he should get a new publicist...

(I’m not implying he should’ve kept it a “secret”, but as a publicist I would’ve made sure this revelation had been handled differently, and Tyler hadn’t been made to look like he was just laughing it off).

I don’t know Tyler personally, but going by everything I’ve seen from him and know about him, I’m certain he won’t take on another POC role. And even if another DNA test should come up with a different result one day, and a certain percentage of Native ancestry would be found, I’d expect him to handle things differently. And imo that’s something he expects from himself, too. He’s a good man. <3

I don’t think he should, but I’m white, so my opinion on this isn’t really relevant. If Native groups would call for him to step down (which I don’t think they would), I’d support it because THEIR opinion on this actually matters.

One option could be that they do a storyline where it’s revealed that the woman Alex believes to be his mother isn’t his biological mom and it turns out he’s not Native - but that’s probably a far stretch, idk.

If he’d give up the role (which he clearly isn’t doing, considering he’s found out during S1 and is about to begin filming S3), I doubt The CW would recast the role with a native actor btw. Alex’d just be written off the show.

What I hope for is, that he’ll join Jeanine in her efforts to push for more Native and Latinx representation and stories on the show (Jeanine talked about that in her recent IG live with congressman Castro, @lambourngb made a post about it), and you can watch the entire IG live here.

Fandom’s a large group of many individual people. There are several people who have addressed this and talk about it. And while not every single person in fandom’s talking about it, it’s not swept under the rug either.

And how does this whole thing make Malex fans (another large group of many individual people) look toxic? Malex fans are not a hive mind. I have seen several Malex fans talk about this, and talk about it critically.

I’m sorry that you’re disappointed, nonnie, I’m just not sure what you expected?

#this got very long #i wrote and rewrote this several times #and reading through it again after i publish it will likely make me feel like i should edit it some more #there's not one 'right' answer here #it's a messy situation #nonnie asks #tjb discourse

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extraordinarilyextreme · 4 years ago

Text

the twins (and Zhao Yunlan)

Warning: spoilers for the drama adaptation of Guardian (2018), some references to the novel, more mediocre translations between Chinese and English, some psychoanalysis, and more music analysis

first, props to the kings that are Zhu Yilong and Bai Yu for such astounding portrayals of their characters! the fact that Zhu Yilong has to shift between two characters—one of whom is in love with Yunlan and the other who thrives on hatred—is just... wow. and Bai Yu? like speaking from Yunlan’s perspective, imagine someone who wears the same face as your lover but holds all the wrong beliefs, all the contradicting beliefs, how heartbreaking that must be :(

the twins certainly break my heart (broke and continue to shatter relentlessly, which means i need to read more fix-it fics) because there’s just so much potential for them both??? this is why i’m such a sucker for fics where the twins work together (i.e., they share the burden of the Black Cloaked Envoy); they are equals, they should have been equals. they lost their parents at a young age; it was literally just the two of them against the world, and then the writers had the audacity to tear them apart and not just tear them apart, but make them enemies smh

(i just want me some brotherly teasing and shenanigans, is that so much to ask for? i want the twins to look out for each other but also irritate each other to no end, but they’d also never think twice about protecting each other)

anyway. right. equals. in the novel, these two are born as twin ghost kings with the same powers and same level in powers [if i’m not mistaken], but it was ultimately only Xiao Wei who caught the attention of the god Kun Lun. the drama mimics this as well with the powers the two Dixingren have: Shen Wei can learn other Dixingren’s powers, Ye Zun can consume other Dixingren and thus use their powers. their abilities are probably purposefully meant to be quite similar; this is just one of many instances where the twins, when stripped of all context, are virtually identical. but when you add in context, then the difference is of course that Ye Zun devours for himself whereas Shen Wei learns more in order to protect others.

let’s look at how the way they interact with others provides more insight into their fundamental motivations. Professor Shen is polite, gentle, kind; Shen Wei has a near-obsession with the way he looks after Yunlan and the rest of the kids at the SID. (think about how after Ye Zun “devoured” Shen Wei and Shen Wei was mortally wounded when he saw Lin Jing... and his first instinct was to smile to provide reassurance and say how happy Yunlan would be if he knew Lin Jing hadn’t died.) Shen Wei lives to give and provide; he shares his life force with Yunlan to heal his eyesight, he does everything in his power to maintain the peace between Dixing and Haixing, he wants to uphold this hard-won peace because he knows what it’s like to lose everything, and he knows the cost of this peace and the treaty in place. his self-esteem is shot to hell—look at how many damn times he tries to sacrifice himself because he thinks he’s dispensable, because he believes this is all he’s good for. Shen Wei believes he HAS to provide for the people around them in order for them to stay. after all... wasn’t it his own fault, because he was too powerless, because he couldn’t do more, because he couldn’t give more, that he lost his younger brother and he lost Kun Lun?

now let’s shift gears to Ye Zun. Ye Zun focuses a lot on the desires of others in order to manipulate them (i.e., he asks Chief Zhao what he wants in one of the latter episodes, so that they may work together instead and is infuriated by the idea of a man who does not want anything). first, why this tactic? Ye Zun was captured by the Rebel Chieftain; his powers hadn’t awoken yet, so the only way he could be useful, could stay alive, was by pleasing the Chieftain. Ye Zun similarly feels he has to provide and again, like his brother, lives to provide and deliver. see? stripped of all context, both twins believe they need to give the people around them what they want in order to have meaning/live. second, in addition, Ye Zun knows first-hand what it’s like to be controlled and manipulated by others; he knows precisely what it feels like to have his mind, his thoughts, his feelings violated by someone else. it helps (?) that he also freaking devoured the Chieftain so that Ye Zun can literally use that mind control ability. he focuses on desires because he understands, perhaps too much, just how effective this manipulation tactic is.

what about the way they talk? (another shoutout to Zhu Yilong for his phenomenal delivery of their lines again! i dont think i can credit a VA because, if i’m not misremembering, this show didn’t use much dubbing if at all, at least for two leads) Shen Wei is rather soft-spoken, patient, quiet and Ye Zun... Ye Zun is the same. Ye Zun usually does his whisper-rasp thing which 1) makes me incredibly anxious 2) might be because he’s been trapped in a pillar for 10 thousand years and hasn’t exactly had a corporeal body with tangible vocal cords to use 3) more importantly, sounds placating. Ye Zun speaks to tantalize because he seeks to manipulate. but why else would he want to placate? he grew up as a slave; it’s been ingrained in him that he shouldn’t raise his voice, it’s a survival tactic to not piss off his enemies/people with more power. Shen Wei also speaks to placate, but he speaks with no ulterior motive; if he approaches a spooked animal, he wants to help it. if Ye Zun approaches a spooked animal, he wants to ruin it.

but wait, neither of them are always so placid you say, and well, of course, and Ye Zun definitely isn’t always so calm. Ye Zun has outbursts of excitement, anger (and you’ll find that the pissed off Envoy sounds very similar...); despite the mask he wears, Ye Zun is very childish. he wears his heart on his sleeve so to speak; he smiles when he’s delighted, frowns when he’s disappointed. he’s often more expressive than his brother even though Ye Zun tends to be the one who wears the literal mask when they appear in the same scenes. he never really grew up “normally” so to speak, which is why he’s so fucking furious that Shen Wei shared his life force with Yunlan. yet another grievance from the older brother! “it’s too boring!” Ye Zun complains, now that his brother is weakened and they aren’t equals anymore; it’s too boring, this game is too boring. Ye Zun is a child.

let’s also consider Ye Zun’s obsession with power. he went from slave to leader of the Rebels in a blink of an eye; what kind of freaking backlash must that have had on his psychological state? he’s hungry for power because it’s all he knows. “i am the master, you are the slave,” he taunts Shen Wei. “where is home? i’ve had no home since the day you abandoned me,” he tells Shen Wei.

“i’m your older brother,” Shen Wei reminds Ye Zun. “i never abandoned you,” Shen Wei explains softly to Ye Zun. if all Ye Zun knows is power (think survival of the fittest), then Shen Wei falls back on family, on love. he lost his blood family young, but then Kun Lun fell into his life and lit up his entire world. the Envoy protects his own people and Haixingren best as he can. Professor Shen has his students to look after. Shen Wei has Yunlan and the family at SID. Shen Wei didn’t grow up “normally” either, but he certainly grew up in a kinder world, and he definitely at least grew up knowing what it felt like to be loved.

Ye Zun: “I want to reform this world [...] This world is filthy.”

Ye Zun wants to destroy the world and recreate it; the “system” failed him. Shen Wei wants to protect the world by improving it; he knows the “system” isn’t perfect, but he also knows there are people living in the status quo and he has no right to strip them of that. Ye Zun sees the way his brother abandoned him, the way he himself was forced to survive; Shen Wei sees all the people he loves and needs to continue to protect.

now let’s turn to the respective relationships of the twins with Zhao Yunlan. i think i’ve mentioned this in my previous Guardian analysis textpost but one of the best things about WeiLan imo is that they’re both so fundamentally good. their ideals to uphold the peace and protect not just the people they love, but all people in need of protecting, are perfectly aligned. (this is also why i like WangXian from mdzs/the untamed)

Ye Zun, interestingly, comments that he and Yunlan are the same kind of person—someone who would stop at nothing for their goals. if Yunlan and Shen Wei match, then the younger twin is right. think of the Envoy’s solemn declaration that even the mountains would not stand in the way of him upholding his promise. WeiLan literally lose their lives for their shared goals.

Ye Zun also mocks his brother that Shen Wei will be just like him, alone. but this condemnation doesn’t stem from the younger twin; the root of this lies with Kun Lun. i didn’t get why in the novel Kun Lun supposes it might have been better to kill Shen Wei at first... it’s because Kun Lun condemns him to thousands of years of loneliness both in drama and in novel. in the drama, when young Shen Wei brings up a what-if, Kun Lun (Yunlan) interrupts him and tells him that Shen Wei would still make this same choice, would still bear this same heavy burden. it is a condemnation, but it is also further proof of this understanding that ties WeiLan together. it is a condemnation, and yet it completes the string of fate and their infinite, cyclical love story.

Kun Lun (Yunlan) asks Shen Wei to forgive him if he has to disappear without warning one day. ten thousand years later, Shen Wei leads his little brother away, sparing just a few minutes to smile at Yunlan and return that lollipop wrapper to him. Shen Wei then walks away because he has complete faith that Yunlan will not blame him or curse him for it, no matter how heartbroken he will be. Shen Wei could forgive Kun Lun; Yunlan easily forgives Shen Wei.

(there’s also the parallel of betting between the twins. Ye Zun bets Yunlan on who will die first—the people Yunlan wants to protect, or Ye Zun. Shen Wei bets on whether or not he and Yunlan will find each other again. the younger twin bets with hatred and on death, the older bets with love and on life.)

i’ve said before that Yunlan brings out the human in Shen Wei. Yunlan brings out the human because they inspire love in each other; they are in love with each other. but Ye Zun, the dear little brother, also brings out the human in Shen Wei because this is truly the only blood family he has left.

the last time we see Shen Wei’s glasses is before Ye Zun tortures his older brother; Shen Wei from then on is simply Shen Wei, no Professor, no Envoy. when he stands before them all, he is Ye Zun’s older brother, and he is Zhao Yunlan’s lover. when he blocks the blow, his theme begins to play—melancholic, calm, steady. his choice to protect Yunlan is fundamentally Shen Wei. ten thousand years prior, when the Envoy breaks the mask of the new leader of the Rebels, Shen Wei’s theme also plays. his little brother has been returned to him; Shen Wei is complete. his theme plays a final time when Shen Wei explains he never abandoned Ye Zun because again, his twin Ye Zun—like his lover Zhao Yunlan—completes Shen Wei as a character. Shen Wei is a character built entirely from love, from family. when he appears as a spirit to bring Ye Zun home, to offer family, Shen Wei is wearing the Envoy’s outfit of ten thousand years ago. the twins also complete a circle; the story begins with their wrongful separation, the story ends with their bittersweet reunion.

let’s continue with this music analysis! the Black Cloaked Envoy’s theme is 《万年不负》or “Have Not Failed/Disappointed for Ten Thousand Years”. he upholds his promise to Kun Lun/Yunlan to protect the peace between Haixing and Dixing for ten thousand years in the drama and five thousand years in the novel (he also protects the Great Seal in the novel that Kun Lun protected). Ye Zun’s theme is 《染灵》or “Dyed/Tainted Spirit”. Think about how dirty he believes this world to be, and how he proclaims “10 thousand years have passed. I can finally wipe off my disgrace!” (also how he’s a ghost king/hungry ghost in the novel from the Unclean Realm/Hell).

Here’s a quote from the novel: “我连魂魄都是黑的，唯独心尖上一点干干净净地放着你，血还是红的，用它护着你，我愿意。”

[Even my soul is black, only my heart where I’ve placed you is clean; there my blood is red, I’m willing to use it to protect you.]

i dont really remember the context of this quote but i think it’s the novel equivalent of where Shen Wei cuts his wrist for Yunlan. anyway it parallels the drama quote where Shen Wei says something like “my eyes are black, my hair is black, even my soul is black... but my blood is red.” it’s just another callback to the novel i think, that the twins are in fact twin ghost kings from the Unclean Realm. (and Kun Lun is a god. thinking about Xiao Wei curbing his bloodlust to become worthy of a god’s love and attention always makes me sob)

both pieces are commanding, lots of brass, but the Envoy’s is a quiet kind of commanding. an unnoticed protector, hovering just out of focus; perhaps a touch unsettling that he’s always there, but also a relief that his presence is a reliable constant. (think of when the SID first summons the envoy and he kind of melts out of the smoke like an unobtrusive shadow) Ye Zun’s is much louder; you cannot miss him, you will witness his triumph. consider how Ye Zun wears a gold mask and a white outfit, as if he were in the spotlight; the Envoy wears all black with only hints of silver. (perhaps the younger twin desperately wanted out from his brother’s long shadow.)

the scene at the Dixing bar near the end when Yunlan retrieves the lantern. Ye Zun, dressed as the Envoy, enters and wow for a moment you can see all the hope and love in Yunlan’s face ;-; it’s Ye Zun’s theme that accompanies this false Envoy... and it almost lulls you into a false sense of victory. but it’s not the victory that Shen Wei has returned; it’s Ye Zun’s victory that he’s, in a sense, taken over/overpowered and “dethroned” his brother at last. (huge props to Bai Yu again; god i can’t even imagine... the love of your life dying to protect you but wait here he is but no it’s your worst enemy but they share the same face UGH)

the piece that plays when Kun Lun is sucked back by the wormhole is 《诀焰》or “Farewell Flame”. i think it also plays when he’s gonna sacrifice himself to light the Lantern. it sounds triumphant... but at what cost?

and the final piece i want to mention here is 《默守》or “Silently Guarding” and it’s kind of a rearrangement of WeiLan’s theme of 《时间飞行》or “Flying Across Time”. it plays when Shen Wei leaves his amber pendant behind for Yunlan to open. i always assumed this piece was from Shen Wei’s perspective but thinking again... this pendant, this lollipop wrapper, this memory of Kun Lun are what has kept Shen Wei going for so long. Zhao Yunlan is the one who has protected Shen Wei for so long. they will always protect each other. their love is a fated one.

anyway, listen to the soundtrack! rewatch and cry! if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading~

#镇魂 guardian #guardian #zhenhun #cdrama ramblings

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resonanteye · 3 years ago

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horror movie reviews: day one, the horror of everyday life

a series of reviews, two each day, of horror movies.

day one, movie one: # alive.

1: half the people are crazed and trying to kill the other half of the people, panic and mass casualties, violent infection, etc – yes, it’s 2020-2021 thank you, continue

2: infected people trying to get in and infect people who are quarantined, aggressive mental illness -yes, yes

3: your neighbors are all worse than you ever knew -yes. yes

4: cops eating each other -please do go on

5: oh no several days how will you ever survive with only ramen

two whole days of lockdown

6: so you’re warned to have plenty of food and water, yet you don’t immediately fill up the bathtub at least, or the sinks. and you don’t go into the zombie neighbor’s abandoned apartment to see if there’s food

7: too much tech, not enough walkie talkies. I doubt.

8: I get it, people expect the end of the world to be like, a switch flipped, but no. this shit draaaags forever

9: the golf club is reminiscent of funny games. maybe an intentional nod to his change in mental state

10: slapstick!

11: finally, foraging.

12: the Mormons are at the door

13: we have skipped two weeks, without water or food?

14: and finally the lights out- wouldn’t that go before the running water?

15: oh the melodrama. don’t be a moron, but this magical dude has been alive a month without water

16: Kim Yu-bin is keeping track of her shit. I bet he gets her killed. nice waterworld callback with watering the plant.

17: of course he’s that stupid, he’s the protagonist and you’re a competent woman in a movie. how else would it justify you endangering yourself for him?

18: oh, wait. he HAS water? from where?

19: finally the tech is worth a damn. and she’s feeding him, which is ok because yes helping each other matters but

20: ok yes the tech is nice, good point, this is a scene from hackers vs zombies. slapstick is fine. zombie big mad. give me back my hand you bastards

21: Jun-u. I had been ignoring his name the entire movie. This is a bad habit of mine with zombie stuff.

22: finally some decent fuckin plot movement. there’s kids, in a good movie he’d have to kill one. instead, a treasure trove of all the survival gear. it’s handy when someone else did the preparation FOR you. I mean damn

23: oooh she’s only alive to help HIM. what a fucking surprise

24: reminds me of the pandemic “share a window” website crossed with a gentle, normal mukbang (not a weird fetish feeder one)

25: the zombies are going hooome. the zombies are going hooooooome

26: ok yes sounds scary, looked scary but it seems like there’s only five of them at her door

27: she’s skilled. of course. melee fighter. I like that this isn’t the dumb-ass slow zombies, nor the superhuman ones. just regular people.

28: another pile up!

29: don’t drink koolaid from strangers, but spam? NO NOT THAT EITHER. of course there will be cannibals in this that aren’t sick, that’s another nice callback (the road) (dead alive). I’m still holding out hope a kid zombie gets killed, although it’s unlikely at this point.

30: holy fuckin generational-divide-monologue for the ages

31: oh damn a gunshot in South Korea.

32: look, Kim, I wasn’t given any backstory for you, but I really want you to outlive “regular dumb guy”. the suicide subplot is going nowhere and we both know it

33: it’s never a good look to be fighting zombie hordes on the stairs. I don’t know why, it just isn’t good. just stay in the damn apartment. please.

34: regular Joe, you are doing the right thing by staying behind, keep that up.

35: FUCK THIS SHITTY APARTMENT

36: finally, machine guns. sorry, I’m American. I’ve been waiting for an hour and a half for logic to set in

37: where are they even going? she’s cooler than him, why isn’t she getting messages? so I guess his Instagram saved her? is that a subversiveon of what I’ve been complaining about? I think it is.

7/10 excellent slapstick, callbacks, just enough humor without ruining the narrative. subversive ending in that he’s only in the movie for the sake of saving her life, and neither died. points deducted for lack of depth to the woman in the film, too much depth for the guy, and for showing us a lack of water then changing that enough to keep someone alive for 20 days. (also, he didn’t even fill up the sink, the hell)

number two, day one: condemned

this movie is about squatting, a lifestyle I’m too familiar with. let’s see how close to the mark it gets. oh, and zombie infection stuff. that too.

1: the supe is always the strangest thing in any building in NYC. always. this isn’t a narrator. this is realism.

2: when will rich kids learn that poverty isn’t an aesthetic? when will something that poor people authentically live through, be safe from commodification and the thievery of the privileged? where does class/cultural appropriation end? why are people using their yacht money on a tiny fuckin house? find out on the next episode of generation x, when we discuss the occup- wait no- this is just a zombie flick. sorry about that

3: I know she’s saying other shit on the phone but all I hear is “the rain was such a blessing”

4: montage is always good with good music over it. going anywhere in the city is basically a montage in reality

5: cigarettes cost 14 bucks in New York holy fuckin shit I’m old

6: ominous: “what could be worse than where you are now”, teens having sex, neon lighting, drainpipe footage, “what difference is a day gonna make”, “I won’t make the same mistake like I did in Vladivostok”

7: this bondage shit on the third floor is giving me a real, serious flashback to a job I did briefly which paid incredibly well. every time these characters show up I have a flashback, every time I watch this.

8: every character in this movie is someone I’ve met. every fuckin one. even cookie. I hate that and love it at the same time. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in bad beat city but this is accuracy.

9: the glitch hallucination is wonderful. don’t show me people’s bad dreams, though. it’s a waste of film. especially someone’s dream who doesn’t know that squats don’t get the garbage picked up. at least he was gentle about her tourist status. (yes, that was fucking gentle. she’s visiting, but they LIVE there. he’ll show you the life of the mind)

10: the colors in this movie reminds me of Mermaid in a Manhole, an amazing movie itself- this is a compliment

11: yes punk means you puke and say “did you SEE that” yes it does

12: the way sickness spreads in close, unmaintained quarters is accurate too. these old buildings were originally tenements and were notorious for being built in a way that contributed to outbreaks of diseases. ny poverty history

13: the glitch used as stand-in for visual mirage is again amazing and continues to be throughout

14: that walk up all the stairs after a day at work to complain about the horror of everyday life, with a back crack and sore feet.

15: the cops are also accurate

16: the plot takes a nice strong left turn here, and it’s perfection. since the development of the plot cookie was leading us to doesn’t matter to the people in this building, it’s better to truncate it. and then we can get to business.

17: yes. if you die in a squat, you’re getting rolled in a carpet and left blocks away. you’ve got to. nobody’s gonna kill you but nobody’s going to be on the street over your ass either.

18: guitar axe skyline lightning. that may be a summary of the whole movie.

19: absolutely pitch perfect “you ruined new york city” rant for the ages

I used to live there

20: if the building wasn’t shit, this would be a nice Shining callback

21: FAWKKING

22: this movie just will not let you have any expected outcome. it’s brilliant.

23: I’ve lived in a brownstone that had a cellar which connected to every building on the block and beyond. that was in Philly, but the construction of this landscape is perfect.

full disclosure- I own this DVD and have watched it a lot. it’s one of my favorite movies, structurally and visually, and I think it’s one of the best horror movies made this decade.

#true stories

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ajokeformur-ray · 4 years ago

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Carnival the red-nosed clown // Arthur x Gen // comfort.

Summary: It’s been a long, hard, rough day for Carnival and as he comes home shivering from the cold and feeling utterly horrible during such a wonderful time of year, his sweet wife is there to take care of him; body and soul.💗

A/N: A (very) late Christmas gift for @daincrediblegg (by now it could also double as the first part of your Birthday Bundle from me🎁). I love you so much doll and I hope that you like this!!! Merry fucking Christmas, you Queen!!!! 💗 I and all of your F/Os love you!!!!🎅🎄💖

Word count: 1, 700.

It was during times like this that you wondered if perhaps the universe had a sense of humour, for rarely was it so lazy as to orchestrate coincidences and indeed did many inconveniences and the like show themselves to be good events when the gift of hindsight was bestowed upon one of its charges.

The weather forecast which had played immediately after the final notes of That’s Life, which signalled the end of the latest episode of The Murray Franklin Show, had announced that there was to be a snow storm in the immediate future. Arthur, for his part, had only raised his eyebrows with a small eye roll as he had inhaled greedily on his cigarette. Used was he to inconveniences such as this when he least needed them. The pixels on the screen of the old television which Penny had won in a radio competition eons ago, or so it felt, had crackled every time one of you had walked past, and the fuzziness which graced any exposed slivers of skin seemed only to mirror the same sensation within your own selves, so tried and so tired were the both of you.

The snow storm had been forecasted for the early evening. As it had turned out, the timing had been slightly off, for the first signs of it had begun six hours before they had been predicted. This threw a spanner in the works for you and for Arthur and it had been with a very heavy heart that you had watched Arthur go to work this morning, for you had a rough idea of what his day was going to look like. Loving towards and indeed within Carnival though he was, his clown persona’s outfit offered little in the way of warmth. Those cotton layers were a blessing in the summer, but in the winter was it of great concern. During any time of the year was it hellish for the sweet clown to spin signs and to dance in the streets for hours without reprieve, without even the hint of a break as one jaunty tune turned to another, and another, and another... it was dizzying. Arthur’s favourite gigs to take were the ones at Gotham Central Hospital, though few of them did he receive, hell-bent was Hoyt on torturing Arthur in any conceivable way. Most often did Hoyt give those gigs to Randall, if only to see Arthur’s jaw tick in severe irritation. It wasn’t unusual for people to condemn that which they didn’t comprehend and cruelty was something which Arthur was very much used to. It broke your heart every time you thought upon it.

Today was no exception to Hoyt’s relentless torment and you knew that when Arthur came home, he would be frozen to his core and perhaps even more miserable than he usually was even on his best days. You went about your day as normally as you could, your gut churning as the hours ticked away, marked only by the clock which sat atop the oven. It was visible to you through the built-in hole in the wall, and as the sky darkened and the wind turned icier, nastier, your worry for Arthur only worsened. It was as if the weather was mimicking your mood, and if this had been a moment in a novel then you would have made a noise of approval at the effective use of pathetic fallacy, so appropriate was the current setting to how you were feeling.

As four in the evening came and went, you found yourself staring out of the window anxiously. “Come on, honey,” A bath was prepared for Arthur, he had fluffy pyjamas out ready for him, and you had taken the liberty of loading the worn sofa full of blankets and cushions and pillows so that the two of you could nest together on the sofa while you watched old films. Dinner was also in the oven and, in short, you were doing your absolute best to take care of Arthur even before he was home. “Need you to come home,” Bubby curled around your ankles in search of attention from his favourite human, and you bent down distractedly to give him some much needed and appreciated scritches behind his ears. You knew not if the scritches were needed for you or for Bubby, but nevertheless did the both of you enjoy this small moment together. It was broken by the turn of a slightly wonky key in a rusted lock, but neither of you minded too much, for almost instinctively did you and Bubby turn as one to face the door as it opened. The most ethereal angel came through, harsh yellow light spilling over the threshold like a dropped halo, a fallen angel was he, as Arthur allowed the door to slam shut behind him.

He cursed a soft, “fuck” as he turned back to the door and pulled the chain across. His fingers shook with effort and he frowned in concentration as he tried to force his fingers to move in the very familiar daily ritual. It was difficult but never had Arthur been one to give up and finally, finally, was he home. You got up, your knees creaking in protest, and rushed over to Arthur, your arms encircling him immediately. He was frozen and you could feel his teeth chattering as Arthur pressed himself into you, searching for warmth wherever he could find it. So deprived of it had he been throughout his entire life and yet here you were, the one person who had more warmth within you than Arthur himself knew what to do with.

“Arthur!” A happy chirp sounded within your beautiful clown’s ear and Arthur hummed as cool, stiff lips pressed a kiss to the crown of your head. He could barely speak, he could barely move, and the more your body heat soaked into him, the more Arthur came to be aware of how truly cold he was - everything hurt and he felt frozen in place, his limbs and digits aching. You rubbed your hands up and down his arms as you desperately sought to get some warmth into him. He needed to get into the bath but he could have gone into shock if he got in too soon - bringing one’s core temperature up had to be done gradually, dangerous was it. You couldn’t deny that it was difficult to remain patient when one only wanted to be warm and though you hated the fact that you couldn’t get Arthur warm now, you suspected that the bath water had cooled enough by now to not, at the very least, give Arthur chilblains.

“Hey,” A quiet rasp spoken through chattering teeth sounded almost broken and it wrenched you out of Arthur’s arms. The poor man almost pouted as you pulled away from him, his body somehow feeling even colder now with the ghostly feeling of your arms around his lithe form. Quickly did he grab your hand, loathe was he to be apart from you for a second longer, and with a tender smile did you take the initiative to lead Arthur to the bathroom. This wasn’t the first time that you had gotten him into the bath as soon as he had come home from work, but it was one of the rare times in which you were worried about him getting sick due to the intolerable conditions in which he was forced to work.

You didn’t ask Arthur how his day was. You knew him well enough by now to know that if Arthur wanted to tell you, he would. As it was, Arthur eyed the bathtub incredulously and then looked back at you. “Is this - did you do this? For... for me?” Even after all of this time, even after everything which the two of you had been together, Arthur still had his moments of doubt. You understood it, you understood him, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t shatter your heart anew every time he experienced a black mood.

You frowned at the implication in Arthur’s tone but you didn’t address it, for now wasn’t the right time. “Yeah, darling! We gotta get you warmed up. There’s gonna be a snow storm tonight - “ You chanced a look outside and amended your statement, “There is a snow storm tonight. We don’t want you getting sick!” Bubby came in with a quiet meow by way of greeting his human slaves, and Arthur hurriedly undressed at the thought of warming up - he was frozen to the core. he got into the bath the way one falls asleep - with the dipping of a toe, slowly, slowly... and then all at once with a full bodied sigh of relief. Oh, but this was the stuff from which dreams were made.

“Will you... join me?” Arthur’s words were punctuated with the quiet rustlings of Bubby making a nest out of Arthur’s discarded clothes. His work uniform, such as it was, would need to be washed now, but that was okay. You took such great care of Arthur, and he of you, that often did it leave the two of you almost in tears. Water swirled around his fingertips as Arthur got as much of himself into the bath as he could, wanting to be warm and safe, for if he got sick surely he would be fired and he couldn’t afford that, and the pleading in his sea green eyes made your words die in your throat. How could you ever refuse anything he asked of you?

You couldn’t, you just couldn’t, and so you simply said, “Of course, honey. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

Arthur smiled, he smiled, and you felt yourself coming home, too. Home is where the heart is, you’d been told, and so you got into the bath without another word. What was there left to say which couldn’t be better said through the simple touch of two hands interlocked?

If the universe did, indeed, have a sense of humour, then this joke was your favourite and you wanted to hear it every day for the rest of your life.

#egg's birthday bundle #Part 1 of 3

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fymagnificentwomcn · 5 years ago

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Women of Ottoman make me so sad especially when people hate on them. Those women lived horrible lives. Most of them were kidnapped, sold, thrown under a psycho Padisah. How can you wait for them to care for your kingdom? Of course they were going to survive for themselves and for their children. None of them deserves the hate they get. I hope God put all of them in peace. No human should go through such terrible things.

Totally agree Anon.

Women from Ottoman Empire cannot be for example compared with women from the West – first and foremost, they were slaves that at the very beginning lost their families, homes and even had to change their name and religion to have any chance at making a new life. Some lost their families very early, and often it also affected them emotionally when they grew up without having familial bonds. Even as consorts, they were one of many, and they had no legal status outside their children, Even mothers of princes other than hasekis were referred to as “Mother of Prince X” in records, and mothers of daughters were even more invisible. They had a very limited access to outside world, there was no way a woman could ascend the throne as a ruler in her own reign, other than as regent. Not to mention all matters connected with fratricide and kafes, it was living in constant fear. It’s hard to compare them to European queens, who had more stable and safe position even if they also had to face misogyny and oppression .

It was no fairytale, even in the show that didn’t show a lot of atrocities involved in slave trade and focused on those women who still somewhat “succeeded”.

I will use this opportunity to discuss some double standards about those who succeeded vs. those who didn’t pertaining to the TV show, but will later come to the crux, I promise.

The faux feminism in this fandom is astounding to me,including the glaring obvious double standards depending on who fan favourite is - and fan favourite is often who is simply “the coolest”, “most victorious”, “most stylish”, “most lucky”, generally young, beautiful, badass, and successful, not sad or depressed. We all know reactions to Hürrem and Mahidevran doing the same things back in original MY - when Mahidevran did awful things to Hürrem, she was just pathetic jealous woman, but when Hürrem did multiple times the same or worse things to other women it was “yass queen” and she ‘fights for her love, so touching, so strong, so great, self defence”. Suddenly Hürrem is allowed to do so because she”s “not like other girls, so not like these pathetic dumb losers”. Hürrem was strong, cunning, and smart, but she also had one clear advantage over all her “enemies” - the love of the most powerful man in Ottoman history. She made multiple mistakes too, but could always count on Suleiman turning a blind eye or forgiving her - something that Mahidevran or others could never count on.

Frankly, even Hürrem vs. Mustafa was often treated more as Hürrem vs. all this “pathetic” women that fought for Mustafa’s case aka Mahidevran or Suleiman’s sisters in fandom. Suddenly Mustafa cannot even defend his own mother because he immediately had it coming for “choosing the wrong side”. Even if you disapprove of him defending/not abandoning his mother, e.g. choosing to poison him sounds a little disproportionate, don’t you think? I said it and I will repeat it again – Hürrem is a character very similar to Cersei – yes, she suffered a lot because of a system devaluing women and yes she’s a survivor and a strong woman who managed to make life for herself in that system – but she’s not a feminist character because she actually only uses the system to her own advantage (and often perpetuates it), and actually displays a lot of traits of internalised misogyny, voicing multiple times how she is different from other girls and this is why she must be the only one by Suleiman’s side, while other women aren’t even entitled to dream about such things. She condemns Mahidevran for wanting to be the only one and being jealous, but then when Suleiman is with other woman she’s all “I’m not like pathetic Mahidevran, I must be the only one”. Same with multiple comments that she often makes… Hürrem was sassy &sarcastic, and had many good comebacks, but it makes me sad how people often cheered on and applauded those worst ones that again display internalised misogyny, like her mocking Mahidevran why she cares about her appearance so much when she doesn’t have a man to share a bed with? Or her again being all “I will give birth to many boys, and you won’t even give birth to a girl”. Again, that whole society was misogynistic and other women also were influenced by it, like they all wanted to give birth to a boy mostly…but often it is about status and wanting to raise/maintain rank, while Hürrem boasts the fact that she gives birth to many boys as again a trait to show how special&strong she is, even part of her reaction to Mihrimah’s birth is her unable to accept the fact that she could give birth to a girl and being disgusted by the fact.. yes, she accepts her later on and her reaction does also stem from being aware of how misogynist the system is, but it shows precisely that – yes, she is influenced by the system and suffered because of it, but at the same time she begins to display same behaviour that she suffered from, tries to cut herself from others in disadvantaged position. And yes, not all characters had similar reactions to giving births to daughters, and mind you Hürrem already had a son&became sultana, plus was Suleiman’s clear fave that could hope for more children. She wasn’t in the worst situation, even Hafsa and Suleiman were very happy at birth of a girl and nobody criticised her for it. Conversely, in MYK Kösem states multiple times that she wants to give Ahmed both sons and daughters, and when she’s pregnant with her second child, she says she wants a girl now for a change. Even when Ayşe hopes for a boy so that Murad’s anger may be melted, she’s happy about Kaya’s birth&clearly loves the baby from the start & is distraught when she is taken from her. Hürrem was never intended to be viewed as feminist, always justified heroine.. this is why instead of making her first bad deed be a revenge on Mahidevran, who had treated her horribly and unfairly, she attacked the person who was most kind to her of them all and who recently went through the same exact shit. Some people hate Gülnihal, but then say Hürrem wasn’t a homewrecker because she had the right to make life for herself in harem.. true, but so did Gülnihal, and it’s not like she could refuse to go to Suleiman’s chambers pls. It wasn’t to be seen as right, it was clearly shown that Hürrem can be both the oppressed and oppressor at the same time from the start. If they had wanted to make her character only all about revenge, they would have again made her gone after Mahi, not innocent Gülnihal, her “best friend”. And people going how Mahi is irredeemable, but with Hürrem it’s so okay because she’s cool while she slays..eh. I admit I never liked Hürrem because personally she never appealed to me, but I totally get why people stan her because she’s an interesting, three-dimensional character (and yes she does have a softer side too), I’m just bothered by some making her some empowered heroine who is excused for everything by the fact that she was a slave and suffered a lot because of it – because you know she is not the only one who went through the same shit – the harem is full of such women, for start. Even statesmen like Ibrahim or Rüstem are slaves (of course as men they have more opportunities for a career etc.), eunuchs attending ladies are slaves… This whole system is based on slavery, yet she often behaves & talks like she’s the only one who lost her family, was kidnapped & mistreated.

And even Nurbanu becoming her successor was accidental because she actually wanted her dead later, though of course Nurbanu was still clearly inspired by her. She never intended for anyone to follow her example and to make her elevation become a permanent element of Ottoman system, and it’s symbolised by her decision to bury the “ring of power” (lol) with her (though of course what Nurbanu did with taking it anyway was plain disgusting).

I think that trying to examine why this character behaves like that is more interesting than simply go YASSS QUEEN.

Thus said, I hate these reductive“takes” calling these women “bitches” because yes there are complex reasons why some of them have become pretty cruel, so while there are no excuses for some of the behaviour, the simple word “bitch” does not cut it at all.

/Yes, I discussed Hürrem here because out of all MY/K characters she seems to be the least hated among major female characters & biggest fan favourite,/

Anyway, the point is that neither Hürrem nor Mahidevran are the villains of the story. The show makes it clear in its last episodes that Suleiman is the true villain – he was the most powerful man at that time, when the padisah’s position was truly strong, as Gülfem put it in the finale “even leaf cannot fall without your approval”. He’s not as dumb or passive as it may seem at first glance -of course he needs to pretend to be objective and just, but he has his own agenda just as everyone else. Moreover, he pretended to be the one trying to ease conflicts… yet he was often the one enhancing them. Even from the start when he gave the ring he had promised Mahidevran to Hürrem&and in many ways humiliated her… then he did the same with giving Isabella necklace he had promised Hürrem. Bah, it was clear he often enjoyed making Hürrem jealous because it flattered his ego. He ultimately even enhanced the conflict between Selim and Bayezid to get rid of the latter, who was “the more dangerous son”. He was always pulling the strings.. he allowed Selim to buy Bayezid from Tahmasp by the way he conducted negotiations because he knew Bayezid would get rid of his brother on the road. It’s practically what Gülfem says to him in last episode again. He knew what backlash was directed at him following Mustafa’s death and he didn’t want another son killed in front of him. As Mahidevran said in the final episode to Mihrimah “It was your father who chose the lives we lived for all of us”. He was the one that determined the fate for everyone. And even if Mihrimah did not want to admit it in any way in front of her mother’s enemy, she pretty much understood then that Selim was also her father’s puppet in a way and it’s my guess why she ultimately decides to leave the palace instead of plotting revenge for Bayezid (and we know she would eventually be back). It was Suleiman who was pulling strings all along throughout the whole show, even sometimes by choosing to refrain from acting.

In MYK, the situation is different that we deal with incompetent, weak or even tyrannical sultans, who are also sometimes danger to ordinary people or break the Imperial law. Kösem acts here like the protector of sultanate and again we see different standards. Can you imagine how criticised Kösem would be if she had used similar methods to Murad’s or even once had gone to on “night spree” and executed people for banning all these dumb prohibitions? Yet for many Murad is the “cool guy” and “poor misunderstood Murad”. Calling Kösem a tyrant.. please you have an actual tyrant here. Look how much criticism she gets for saying “I’m the state”, while Murad calls himself “shadow of God on Earth” , “sole owner of the Ottoman Empire”, “I’m the justice” , “true death” etc. all the time and he’s “badass”. Or how she’s criticised because she dared to try to influence the Divan to convince Murad to change punishment for his prohibitions. She’s an “usurper”, not the guy who enacts unjust law and oppresses his subjects.

And here we come to crux – look at how Suleiman is treated in MY, everyone is flattering him, he’s the one who for most time isn’t blamed for what is happening, everyone strives to be in his good graces, his sons step on their toes around him and idealise him even when he behaves like a total asshat. Even when he dies people try to remember him for his “magnificence”

Now look at Kösem, a female ruler, who was turned by scapegoat by people when something went bad and she had far less freedom to make choices and yet far more criticism, blame shifting and insults thrown her way. Suleiman is credited “for making sacrifices for the Empire”… but he really didn’t have to execute all the people he decided to kill, and his decisions truly affected everyone badly and led to further mess, starting from Ibrahim’s.. It was especially visible in case of Mustafa – he was obviously innocent and didn’t intend to rebel, but after what happened rebellions did begin.Conversely, each difficult decision that Kösem made led to stabilisation in Empire and prevented unrest, yet what she does is interpreted by some as “wanting power for sake of power” because woman cannot act in favour of state nation or dynasty – there’s only personal interest or power hunger. Her life is clearly framed as tragedy both by the “curse” of her witnessing the death of everyone she loved and her death being a parallel scene to her capture - because she was never truly free.

Interestingly, IMO Suleiman for all his talent and his achievements, fucked up the succession issue – succession by combat truly began to run its course during that period & no longer even fulfilled functions for which it was practiced – to put on the throne “the strongest” contender, one with the biggest support, also most successful military commander – while it’s true that era of conquest was naturally over and Empire had to become more sedentary, it still doesn’t make Selim the strongest or best suited candidate for the throne after Suleiman – his not going on campaigns etc. and being more of palace sultan had nothing to do with him recognising the transformation, but simply lack of interest in state matters and preferring to have fun than to rule. He wasn’t some demon, but he was terribly passive & lazy. And him not being a warrior was the least of his problems. Suleiman had extreme power and authority, he introduced first law reform after Mehmed the Conqueror – the fact that he allowed such contest (and well his sons didn’t even wait for his death to start a civil war) was a bad decision when it came to long-term planning. Some may say maybe he would have done something concerning move to seniority if one of Hürrem’s sons had been the eldest… maybe, but we will never know. Contrary, while all Ahmed’s sons died during Kösem’s lifetime, we know her legacy connected with anti-fratricide law lived on – after her death fratricide was a rare occurrence with only a few special exceptions in specific circumstances.

Of course there’s also the matter that Suleiman’s era and Kösem’s era were totally different – here it was even a success to manage to stabilise Empire. And here we need to stress how important context is – I always stress how important it is to assess historical figures in context – for me it’s hard to even compare, let’s say Kösem and Hürrem, because they lived in different ages and fulfilled different roles, let alone comparisons between historical figures from other parts of the world, perhaps even from different age. I can’t understand e.g. why Peirce compared Kösem and Turhan to Elizabeth I and Mary Stuart in Empress of the East – both situations were completely different, the only thing they had in common was that there was a power struggle between two powerful women, which ended with one of them executing the other (and we don’t even have 100% confirmation of Turhan ordering Kosem’s execution because such thing wasn’t officially in her power). I appreciate Peirce a lot, but TBH this comparison was just dumb for a professional historian.

Kösem’s case really shows how loss of innocence may be used as weapon against you – very early on, she gets the lesson even with Ahmed – the moment she first became involved with scheming following the death of her father, he got mad at her for the duration of her whole pregnancy – he didn’t ask why she had done it or any other details – she wasn’t his “ideal fantasy” from the portrait anymore and this was what mattered – and only then changed his mind when after so many futile attempts made by Kösem to talk to him, she finally forced him to listen to her explanations & motivations, and subsequently he became all “I will make everyone pay for every tear of yours & for making us endure pain of separation”. Ah okay, but don’t forget about yourself ;) And once Kösem stopped being “şehzade’s dream” with death of Ahmed and was truly her own political leader, she became to be more and more exposed to this with the passing of time and once she acquainted more and more power.

And don’t forget some male historians praising Turhan for “giving the power back to the rightful hands aka men”… it tells you all, and it’s false anyway, since it didn’t mean Turhan losing interest in state affairs and only caring about the harem (and honestly, “Köprülü was “her man”, she didn’t choose someone she had no influence upon). That was what she decided the Empire needed at that particular moment, not because she realised that politically involved women sucked lmao.

- Joanna

#ottoman history #magnificent century #magnificent century kosem #muhteşem yüzyıl #muhteşem yüzyıl kösem #answered #you know guys all these answeres were written during all these months the blog was on semi-hiatus #and as I did a lot of rewatch #I put a lot of my thoughts during rewatch to these answers #I doubt they will be as long when I open the askbox again tbh #mods opinions

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theregoesmylurkerstatus · 5 years ago

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Essek meta: the monster post

(Beware, long post incoming)

I’ve been sitting on my thoughts on Essek for days, and pretty much all my asks have been on the subject. I decided that instead of answering them all, I’d do my best to gather all my thoughts and reasoning into one post.

At this stage, there’s no solid evidence for or against Essek’s goals and morals being opposed to the Mighty Nein’s. Circumstantial evidence, yes. He’s been very accomodating, but not necessarily suspiciously so. There have been small hints that maybe he’d rather do things the Mighty Nein’s way, not the Bright Queen’s.

And I will say this: prior to this episode, even good insight checks apparently revealed nothing alarming about Essek or his motives. They didn’t entirely absolve him of suspicion, but neither did they create more.

In fact, the main cause for concern this episode was that Essek’s behaviour seems to have changed. Nott says he was acting “funky,” which implies she was using her previous experience with him as a basis for comparison. She goes on to equivocate with “we haven’t seen him in a while...”

However (and this is going to be a bit controversial), I think people are being a bit wilfully blind in regards to Essek. Many, many metas pointing out that Essek may just be at the end of his rope, tired, and wanting someone to rely on (while hoping that he can do so on the Mighty Nein).

They’re all good, solid theories, and I hope that they’re true! But but in the end there are factors I’ve notice that make me reluctant to buy into it wholesale.

Nott asked Caleb to scry on Adeen, not Essek. If she was concerned about Essek in general, wouldn’t she ask to check in on him? Sure, you can say “Essek is a powerful wizard, he’s probably protected,” but you could say the same of a max security prisoner who’s being actively watched over. Caleb literally only turned the idea down because of that. Hell, even Nott knew that! She starts with, “would it be a terrible idea...” when she pitches scrying on Adeen. And yet, she suggested it anyway.

Nott must have thought there would be something to gain by looking at Adeen, which means this isn’t just about Essek’s demeanor. It’s about his relationship to Adeen specifically. She says, “Something about the way that he was behaving when we were at that prison was funny to me.”

It’s not just Essek being overworked or tired in general. It’s Essek on this specific matter. And no matter how drunk or silly Nott can be, she’s not stupid. She’s fucking smart. She was the second smartest member of the party until Beau got the circlet. Nott rarely brings up genuine, serious concerns, and she treated this with nervous gravity.

Obviously the players can misinterpret what they get from whispers, but I don’t think Matt leaves it so open to interpretation that Nott could notice things that point to simple (if extreme) stress and misinterpret it as Essek being shady.

Consider this, too: in the conversation leading up to Fjord’s “interrogation” of Adeen, Essek insists multiple times that they used various means to force the truth from Adeen, and that while Adeen initially insisted he had no idea what was going on (as any traitor would), “we managed to excise the truth, and the Taskhand has, ah, given his hand, if you will.”

And yet as soon as Fjord goes in there, Adeen displays confusion, distress, and readily admits that he has no idea what’s going on while confessing he does think he did things (that he also insists he would never do). How the hell would Essek & Co have missed that?

I suppose you could say that Adeen may have been answering pointed questions during interrogation, and they would have ignored any “I don’t know” type answers, but still. It’s a pretty big fucking thing to miss.

Essek didn’t immediately go to the Bright Queen with the information on Adeen, but he clearly intended to speak with her soon, and only put it off to see the Mighty Nein first. When the Nein propose that all of them go to see the Bright Queen together, Essek is enthusiastic, and prompts for them to go immediately, only waiting when the Nein express an interest in Adeen. He is again the one to prompt a meeting with the Bright Queen after returning from checking Adeen for a mark.

So, in my eyes, his decision to go to meet the Nein briefly before seeing the Bright Queen was not a reflection of his hesitancy to implicate or even condemn Adeen to the Bright Queen, but rather came from the knowledge that the Nein would have important and relevant information. As he said, he didn’t want to give information to the Bright Queen “piecemeal.” He’d rather wait and give her a full report. Waiting to see what the Nein had to offer fits in perfectly with that attitude.

Essek is very, very good at being non-defensive, rational, reasonable, and even agreeable. He listens to the Nein when they start theorising about Adeen possibly being under magical influence. He agrees to the points they make. He readily entertains their notions... without pushing any of them any further, and without putting forward HIS thoughts on the matter.

I don’t believe he was reluctant to throw Adeen under the bus. He didn’t bring up the mind control theory to the Bright Queen at all. Jester literally says, “I thought Essek would...” before launching into her “Adeen may not be guilty” pitch.

Nott’s insight was instigated on Essek’s return from checking Adeen for a mark, though she clearly got insight as to his behaviour earlier in the prison as well. That may imply that Essek was not completely honest about his search of Adeen for evidence of mind control.

Clearly, the mind control theory isn’t one Essek was personally enthused about.

Possibly relevantly, an anon pointed out:

Rewatching the scene, anon is right. Yes, technically Adeen is banging his head against the wall, but he doesn't knock himself out. He “exhales” and starts snoring. And remember, Matt ruled that a creature willingly banging their own head against something wasn’t enough to fall unconscious. So... Adeen fell asleep? In the middle of a distressed, high emotion downward spiral? With Essek, a highly adept wizard, waiting and watching in the shadows? Hm. Could be innocent. It’s perfectly understandable that someone who’s been through as much mental, emotional, and physical duress as Adeen has would be exhausted. But in light of everything else I’m trying to unpack here, I though it was worth noting.

All of the suspicion of Essek is wrapped up with Adeen, and other relevant factors point to him not especially wanting Adeen to be absolved of guilt. This could mean many things: he’s the traitor, he has it out for Adeen specifically, he’s hiding some information he discovered relevant to Adeen, he just wants the search for the traitor to be over with. Who knows? But I certainly don’t believe Nott was simply observing high stress from his job.

In the end, the real evidence against Essek's guilt, to any degree, is his personality. Critters like him. The Nein like him. He’s been a helpful ally who everyone seems to fall head over heels for without Essek trying for that kind of reception (see Matt’s confusion at him being instantly labeled “hot boi”). People are eager to look to his personality, his current position, and give him sympathetic internal reasoning that is pure supposition.

Again, it’s good supposition! They’re good theories! But I don’t think you can discount or sweep under the rug the causes for concern so easily.

To be quite frank, we still have no solid evidence against Essek being the/a traitor, while we HAVE been given cause to doubt his complete innocence. The fandom bias towards him especially makes me a bit reluctant to accept the lenient answer straight off the bat.

I think that there’s something more going on with him. I’m also not convinced he’s a traitor, especially not long term. There’s simply not enough for me to go off of in making up my mind. But I felt it was necessary to point out that the concern about Essek in this instance has real merit, and I wasn’t really seeing that brought up and discussed.

So... here you go, I guess?

#critical role #cr spoilers #c2e90 #speculation #ramblings #essik #anon with the mind control theory screenshotted above: i have a separate answer for that theory don't worry #I'm prepared for this to be very unpopular (understandably) but i had to get my thoughts and doubts out there #also ill probably miss talks live but ill ALSO probably watch it later tonight or tomorrow

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ruffiorocks · 5 years ago

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Can we stop thinking Kara is perfect and Lena is evil?

Wow... every time a new episode of Supergirl airs I end up blocking several people. There are still people looking for literally any reason at all to hate Lena and to make her the villain of this show. They simply cannot comprehend that this show isn't GOOD characters and BAD characters.

They cannot grasp the fact that Kara is not perfect! She shouldn't be perfect either because that is not real or even believable. Kara is heroic, brave, self sacrificing, adorable, oblivious etc. But she's also niaeve, a little selfish, a massive liar, a control freak and thinks she somehow has authority over people because she's a superhero, oh and she's also killed people. She's had the city hate her and had to win back their trust and she's lost a lot of people, but she actually gained the most important one (Alura) back.

Do you know who else is like that? Lena is! Lena is a hero, you can protest all you want and yell "Lena killed Lex" but you can't deny that Lena has saved National City and Kara and Supergirls life several times, she even saved James' life. She cured Sam etc. Lena is also brave, did you not see her wanting to go into that valley to find Sam? She didn't have to. Did you not see her get her and Mon El away from those guards? Did you not see her agree to marry Mon El to save the children's hospital? You didn't see her protect Kara from Mercy Graves? She's also self sacrificing to, did you not see her tell Supergirl to drop her so she could hold that plane up? Lena can be adorable to, excited when Kara brings food, sitting on the floor of her office wanting to be normal and train for game night. Oh and she's oblivious because she doesn't see though Kara's glasses disguise. (Although that one really is just the writers making her look dumb). Lena has trauma and has lost a lot of people to. She watched her mother die aged 5 and believed it to be her fault. She was adopted by an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who didn't want her and resented her existence. She gained a brother who she thought loved her but actually just saw her as play thing and something that needed to be improved. She's constantly shot at, kidnapped, and has people using her name in vain. Lena came to National City and was instantly under suspicion purely due to her name. When Kara had to win back National City it was due to something she had done, but Lena was pre-judged, not really by Kara but the rest of the Superfriends and Clark plus NC had their opinions set in stone.

Lena can do bad things to, she can be pretty selfish but that's ok because it's normal. Now as for lying, Lena is more of an "it's not your business so I'm not telling you about it" kind of girl. Lena is more omission of truth . It does get her into a lot of trouble, but she does it for the right reasons, she kept Sam a secret because she was scared about what would happen to her if people knew, she kept kryptonite a secret because she KNEW what people would say but the need for it outweighed the judging and scorn she would get. She kept the Harun El a secret because she already knew what Supergirl would say, but Kara didn't actually get to make that decision. She didn't tell James about saving his ass from prison because she let him think it had solved it himself. It was only when he was dumb enough to throw the reprieve he has been given away that she told him the truth and he rejected her.

Lena is a massive control freak as well, but that is probably because she has to be. She's a 24/26 year old Billionaire genius CEO that has to be in control of things, needs all the data, and is constantly being watched for mistakes.

Lena killed people to, she shot Corbin, but that was to save Alex's life. She shot Lex but that was to save the world and Argo City. She did go to kill Edge, but that was because he was literally poisoning children in her name. I should also like to point out that Lena isn't the only one to let her emotions get the better of her, remember when Alex was illegally holding Maxwell in a cell and proceeded to beat him to a pulp,? She lost control and had to be dragged out by Jonn. Speaking of which , remember when Jonn found out Mgann was a white martian and even though she wasn't guilty of anything other than saving his ungrateful ass he procceeded to almost beat her to death??

People need to realise that the show isn't split into Super friends = good Lena Luthor = bad. What a boring show it would be. People also need to realise that both Lena and Kara (and others) have their pros and cons. Neither one is perfect! They both make mistakes and both do questionable things.

Kara is automatically seen as perfect because she's the main character and the one with the cape. But that doesn't make her always right or perfect.

I saw a post where someone asked why did some of us hate James? The answer was "he cockblocked Supercorps". This is what I'm talking about, the automatic response from someone who isn't giving it any real thought. I don't hate James because he stopped Lena from being gay. I've disliked him from day one. I don't like his attitude, the way he played with Kara's feelings in season one, his treatment of Lena when they were dating, his boring 'hero arch'. But I'm not oblivious to the fact he has done good things to, his episode with Marcus was his best one in my opinion.

Lena is being condemned for using the VR to punch and kill Kara? Well she isn't actually killing anyone, that's not real. She's working out her frustration in a horribly unhealthy way. But she has Lex's watch, she knows how to make Kryptonite, if Lena wanted Kara dead she would be by now. All Lena would have to do is invite her over to a Kryptonite room, turn it on, stab her? Done. But she hasn't done that, because she has already stated shr doesn't want to kill Kara. A fact that Is going over people's heads entirely.

Lena could have destroyed Kara at the ceremony,she intended to but she didn't. People need to go back and rewatch the episode. Lena was very confident in her revenge plot when talking to Hope, but as soon as Hope was gone Lena was conflicted. When Kara came to talk to her and Kara was about to tell her the truth, Lena was sat with rapt attention, but Kara didn't do it. Then when Lena went to talk to Andrea and Andrea mentioned the big story Lena promised, Lena HESITATES! Or am I the only one paying attention? Lena is actually shocked at Kara's confession, you can see the range of emotion on her face, opening her mouth but nothing coming out. She was taken by surprise. She decided not to expose Kara. Kara comes to see her and gives her the watch and Lena is OK, but then the moment she comes into contact with Hope she's conflicted again.

Lena doesn't actually have to forgive Kara. Please don't mention the whole "kara doesn't owe her secret to anyone" line because I've addressed this several times and it doesn't add anything new to the discussion.

People hate Lena now for deceiving Kara, that she's emotionally manipulating her, abusing her trust. I'm sorry, but isn't that what Kara has been doing to Lena since day one? Even if it was unintentional?

Now for Lena selling Cat Co, you CAN'T hate Lena for doing that. Lena literally can't sneeze without someone saying she's making people sick. Lena didn't want Cat Co anymore, she even said she only brought it for to Kara. In the place she's in now? It's hardly surprising she sold it. Who she sells it to doesn't matter, I mean if she sold it to Morgan Edge id question her, but she sold it for quite a profit to an old friend. What is wrong with that? If Andrea decides to change things up that's up to her, but that isn't on Lena at all. Kara, James, Nia etc. Would have all had to sign contracts with those clauses in them, and it actually makes perfect sense. Andrea would have inherited those contracts, so all Cat Co staff would have been under the same clauses with Lena, probably Cat to. People may not like Andrea's new style but she's in the business of making money, James said they didn't allow profit to drive them (think that was it) but James doesn't own Cat Co and isn't a businessman.

So yeah, in conclusion stop giving every one else on the show a free pass and blaming every little thing on Lena. She isn't responsible for Andrea's behaviour. We may as well blame Kara for All the Kryptonian drama. Lena isn't Bad and Kara Good, it's so much more complex than that. Everyone has faults. Open your eyes and take off the "I hate Lena " goggles and see the complex story for what it is.

#supercorp #lena luthor #supergirl #anti james olsen #kara danvers #kara zor el #alex danvers #jonn jonzz #andrea rojas

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sam-winchester-admiration-league · 6 years ago

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Something incredibly special is required to keep a show on the air 14 seasons. Usually, it's that one element that takes a show from average and elevates it to greatness. In the case of Supernatural, the creators, producers, and writers of Supernatural tapped into the secret that other CW shows are wisely following. That secret is to make the sibling bond the core of your show and cast actors/actresses that share that great familial bond on-screen and off. Since its very first episode Supernatural has had two perfectly cast leads in Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles who are each half of the beating heart that keeps Supernatural alive. The brotherhood, friendship, and teamwork between Sam and Dean Winchester has consistently been considered one of the best acting teams on television, and the show has mined its richest stories from testing that bond. Prophet and Loss (14x12), found the brothers on one of their least cool road trips. To permanently disable the evil archangel Michael locked away inside his mind, Dean plans to have Sam bury him alive at sea, imprisoned for eternity inside a coffin. Having failed so far to change his brother's mind, Sam must find some dissuade him or lose the person he loves most forever to a horrific fate. Jared Padalecki gives a beautiful and heartrending performance that left Supernatural fans in tears and teeming with praise. For his performance, Jared Padalecki was overwhelmingly selected as SpoilerTV Readers' Choice Performer of the Month for January.

In the first scene of the episode, Padalecki brings big brotherly energy to Sam. He hears Dean screaming out for his younger brother in his sleep, but Sam plays it cool when he checks in. The tone of his voice stays casual, yet, behind Dean's back, his face is tightly perturbed. His words are low, measured carefully because he is being careful to not spook Dean. Whether you've been watching the Winchester brothers a few months or a few years, you know that Dean is determined to condemn himself to this awful fate. To protect Sam, he's capable of leaving him behind. Sam knows it too, but that doesn't stop him from pointing out the drawbacks. Padalecki has to have this restrained conversation with his costar, keeping his tone and pitch even, because Sam is being very cautious in how he expresses doubts. Simultaneously, he has to show the audience how Sam really feels, how each moderated statement is followed by a facial expression that is strained yet hopeful. Padalecki shows that not only is Sam trying to save Dean, but also Sam's own heart is breaking in the process. The work he does in the first scene establishes the emotional foundation for following Winchester brother scenes. On the road to carry out his desperate plan, Dean asks Sam if he's still on board with the plan, as their conversation the night before did rattle him a little. Padalecki delivers Sam's response in a matter-of-fact way. Of course, he is going to keep his word to Dean. But there's a tiny indication that he panicked slightly when Dean asked him. He interrupts his regular blinking rhythm, holding his eyes open a millisecond longer than normal as if he very briefly held his breath. He also maintains this neutral level of disapproval in his voice. Sam continues to walk an emotional tightrope. The minute Dean is out of sight, Sam makes a call to their friend Cass (Misha Collins) to find out if he has found another way to stop Michael. Even in that quick conversation, there are several ways that Sam's fear is conveyed. His voice almost catches when he says he's never seen Dean like this before. It's the first crack in Sam's facade.

A trip down memory lane sets up the ending of the episode. Dean wonders if Sam ever thinks about their childhood. He expresses regret about not being a better brother. You see a little confusion cross Sam's face, and he firmly replies that Dean was always there for him. He gets this analytical look as if he's trying to piece together where this comment Dean made is coming from. Dean starts spilling out these regrets about how thinks he could have treated his younger brother better. Jensen Ackles weaves this brokenhearted longing into his voice that gives the scene this sharp agony. Sam's face, despite the tears in his eyes, tells a different story. He's actively listening, pondering everything that Dean is saying, noting these fears that his older brother is disclosing. The fact he is paying such close attention makes it surprising that he frostily shuts the conversation down. Those same tears, briefly visible again before he turns looks away, indicate how much Sam was impacted by the moment. Shortly afterward, he finds a case for them to check out. While acting almost nonchalant about it, he casually brings the case up to Dean, but they both know what he is doing, using a case as a delaying tactic to prevent his brother from carrying out his suicide mission. However, his tactic backfires on him somewhat when Dean agrees to go investigate calling it "one last mission" for the Winchester brothers. Hearing his brother describe the case that was is not what Sam was expecting and the devastation and realization that hits him are etched in his features as he fights to maintain control. There is a murder to solve, and the first stop is visiting one victim's twin brother. Neither Winchester brother has an easy time listening to the young man talk about how he never imagined it could feel this bad to lose his sibling. However, Sam avoids acknowledging the glances that Dean keeps sending his way. Padalecki makes sure you are aware that Sam is deliberately choosing to hold his emotions in check, in order to create a vacuum that Dean has no choice but to fill with his own feelings. Sam is refusing to let his older brother play the strong one, hoping that Dean will choose on his own to take a different path. The situation is taking a toll on Sam though. When they catch up to the delusional murderer, Sam shuts him down very aggressively, close to losing control. And he's visibly distraught when they lose the man who thought he was hearing divine voices ordering him to kill his victims. This senseless loss of life hits close to home for Sam, and viewers are reminded he's running out of time to save Dean.

To prevent any more murders, the brothers realize they must take their friend, the prophet Donatello, off life-support. The doctor reassures them that letting go is the right choice, and Dean gives Sam a clear I-told-you-so look. The case has reinforced Dean's decision that he needs to sacrifice himself to restore order to the world. Cass joins them at the hospital and makes a strong plea for Dean to reconsider, but it's clear that the older Winchester is slipping away, disconnecting emotionally from his brother, his friend, and life itself. They then make an unexpected discovery. There is a chance to save Donatello. Dean and Sam sit down to wait, while Cass treats Donatello. Noticing that his younger brother is lost in thought, Dean asks him if he's alright. Sam admits that he's thinking about what it would be like--to be trapped inside your own body with nowhere to go, unable to do anything. Dean brushes the thought away with a cold smirk, and for just a second you see Sam's face filled with hopeless despair. It is a brief interlude, but Padalecki uses every inch of it to show Sam losing his grip on hope. Despite being clear how he felt about his brother's decision these are the first moments Padalecki has Sam truly let down all his guards and show Dean just how truly devastating an impact this decision is having on his brother. Padalecki. It's a masterful moment as Padalecki expresses all those emotions with few words, letting his face and his eyes do most of his talking.

Cass saves Donatello, and Sam slips away afterward. Dean goes looking for him, and He finds his brother leaning against their car, their faithful friend through hundreds of adventures, with beers waiting. Sam's demeanor has changed. He keeps his sentences short and sarcastic. A brief, bitter chuckle in response to Dean apologizing for joking about leaving. Padalecki gives one of the most heartbreaking speeches in the show's history, as Sam asks just how sorry Dean is and why. He struggles to briskly pour out his words, trying to keep them angry but unable to keep the huskiness out of his voice. When Sam says that Dean wants him to throw away faith and throw away family, his chest begins to rise and fall faster than normal, as if he's going to heave. He steps up to Dean and hits him in the chest. Padalecki makes this sneer that disappears almost as soon as it starts as if Sam is fighting to hold onto his rage. He begins to plead with Dean, telling him he's quitting and giving up too soon on finding another way. He beats his hands against Dean's chest. It's as if time turns back and Padalecki becomes the little boy that Sam once was. The one beseeching his big brother to not leave him behind. He points at himself and tells Dean he believes in them. Dean looks away, down towards the ground. And the anger flares up, as Sam winds up and throws a punch right into his brother's face. Dean reels in surprise, but Sam is already winding up for a second one. Padalecki lets you see how determined Sam is to do whatever it takes. Sam repeats that he believes in them, even as Dean grabs his arms to block the next swing. But instead of struggling. Sam drops his shoulders and fiercely wraps his arms around his big brother. Gripping Dean's jacket, he chokes out a heartbreaking question through gritted teeth, asking Dean why he doesn't believe in them too. The fury evaporates, as he rests his cheek against his brother's neck, and he just holds on to his brother. Dean says he will go home with Sam. And Sam steps back, unsure if he can believe this, with his jaw still rigid and his eyes still wet. Dean says he does believe in them but asks Sam to promise him that if they don't find another way his younger brother will do then what he can't now. This time it's Sam who looks down. He sniffles and trembles, but he looks up to meet Dean's gaze squarely in the eye. He makes the promise, and a tear as big as his heart runs down each of his cheeks. Before getting in the car, Sam tucks his lip in and composes himself, relief and determination on his face. The fight to save Dean isn't over yet, but Sam's heartfelt plea has bought them some time. Padalecki's weary posture and hesitation before getting in the car show that Sam knows he may have won this battle but that the war goes on.

For over 13 years and through 300 episodes, Supernatural has prospered, and fans credit that to the superb work of the cast. Jared Padalecki gave one of his finest performances to date in this episode. He gave Sam courage and vulnerability, made you feel every bit of the fight to save Dean. The episode wouldn't have the dramatic stakes or the heart-twisting agony without his work. You've seen Sam is difficult predicaments before. You've seen him grieve. You've seen him protect his brother. However, Padalecki shows you a Sam you haven't seen, gives a new dimension both to his character and to the bond between the Winchester brothers. He keeps the viewer with Sam for every breath, every tear, every tense second. The ending wouldn't be as emotionally satisfying if you weren't feeling every quiver of his broad shoulders. When Dean hugs Sam in the end, finally yielding to his brother's love, he hugs the audience too. For all these reasons and many more, Jared Padalecki was voted January Performer of the Month by our Readers.

Article here.

#Jared Padalecki #spn #supernatural #Sam Winchester #SpoilerTV #acting

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mindseyeinkarnate · 4 years ago

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Portraits of a Serial Killer - “The Cell” turns 20

I've often reflected how the influence of Art is a key component missing from Modern Horror. The Xenomorph we all know and fear came from the painted nightmares of Swedish surrealist H.R. Giger, the Screamer is said to have influenced the Ghostface Killer mask. For a further rundown of art's musings over the genre, I would highly recommend 2017's Tableaux Vivants for a look at 60 such portraits and the films they inspired.

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In the summer of 2020, The Medium video game appears to correct that oversight with the recent trailer dropping, adapting Polish painter, Zdzislaw Beksinski's frightening paintings. In the same season of the same year is when The Cell celebrates 20 years (8/17/2020). This film appeared to feature as many artistic influences as possible into its near two hour runtime.

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The sight of chains freaked me out upon watching my first Hellraiser movie, so the sexual perversion of their use in this film did little to alleviate such apprehension, especially as they pulled so tightly to suspend human flesh in the air. Despite a previous scene showing the villain having drowned his victim, this was the true introduction to his villainy - the former showed what he did, that latter why he did it. Even re-watching this film so many years later, I had to look away from the screen, recoiling from such a grisly display.

Typically, in Horror or any film that assumes a particular aesthetic, it is color that makes the impression to set mood. Instead, the use of white in this film, from the K9 to the bleached state of the victims is used to ghoulishly haunting effect.

I remember critics remarking that because of Vince Vaughn's comedic history they couldn't take him seriously in this role and relegated his involvement to stunt casting. I take the opposite stance since, for me, every role after this film simply serves as a reminder that he starred in The Cell. I've always felt that comedy actors do well in dramas - see Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting" - and I thought that Vaughn did a serviceable job in this film, never distracting from either tone or plot.

I was happy that they just dove into the mechanics behind entering one's mind as an accepted reality, that they didn't get bogged down in techno babble or exposition of the technology. There is a time and place for the virtual journey into the cerebral frontier, such as The Matrix or a good adaptation of the Lawnmower Man, but for the Cell, I'm happy that they focused more on the story and not so much the science. The suits do look like Twizzlers, but it was made by Eioka Ishioka (who passed away in 2012), the same costume designer as Vlad Tepes' suit from Bram Stoker's Dracula. I do like that the two participators are suspended in the air while their minds are linked. It's an eerie callback to the killer's suspension from chains for sexual release. Also, it does give the technology that space age feel as though they are in a weightless environment.

Since the 90's, special effects have been criticized as dominating films to the point Stephen King is quoted as remarking that "story supports effects instead of effects supporting story". Similarly, an argument can be made that at times The Cell becomes too indulgent with its usage of famous art that serve no plot function, e.g. the Horse Split, the Three Women of Odd Nerdrum's Dawn painting, Mother Theresa and her Hallmark card, etc. As the director is quoted as saying "The thing about this film is it’s an opera, and there is no such thing as a subtle opera.” I don't believe that the script was penned as an excuse to pack in as much gallery portraits as possible or is an hour and fifty minutes of a music video. I just wish the director would've used each art piece he seeks influence from to develop the story or the character. The imagery doesn't always portray the killer's psychology or the psychologist's therapeutic technique. If he wasn't going to utilize subtlety, he should have implored restraint. He later added "Anyway, I missed the whole plot, just been talking visual all along, ah, where are we?”

Once in the killer's mind, his depiction as the master of his domain is a hauntingly accurate depiction considering the previous scenes of suspension rings in the back of his body, which unwittingly foreshadowed to the audience his royal appearance to come. Even the name, King Stargher, is a daunting title for a movie monster. When rising and descending from his throne, the violet robes receding from the walls and tracing along the room is hypnotically unnerving.

As tiresome as the "we're still in the dreamworld" trope can become (The Matrix, DS9 Season 7 episode 23 "Extreme Measures"), this film not only flips it when the psychologist realizes that she's "already in", but does so in a cleverly visual way.

King Stargher

Horned Stargher

Court Jester/Vatican Clown

Serpent Stargher

It is interesting to think that a single actor would assume many distinct monstrous characters. Unlike a Freddy Kreuger or a Pennywise that turn into manifestations of their victims' fears, the figures that Stargher assumes are all avatars of his own warped psyche, his own inner turmoil. Vincent D'Onofrio really does put in his all with this role. He's soft spoken and understated when he needs to be and malicious and heartless when the scene demands it. Along with the visuals of the film, D'Onofrio's performance is worth the price of admission. It's a shame that his acting as well as the movie's stunning artistry are what have gone overlooked all these years. Speaking of...

One invalid criticism that has been levied against the film is its attempts to persuade the audience to sympathize with the killer. My intention with the following statement is neither to flaunt my Horror insight nor to divide the lines between fans within Horror and those without. Having said that, even as an adolescent seeing this movie in theaters, I at no point felt remorse for the serial murderer and I chalk up this long-held misconception to a bad read on the film.

So off-base is this "critical analysis" that it can't even be regarded as a Jekyll & Hyde dynamic. The villain is not split down the middle between binary good and evil, where both halves are at war over his soul, or the repressed impulses of his Dark Passenger are manifesting in a heartless butcher. If there is any distinction, it is between who the antagonist was when a victim as a boy and what the man became as an adult victimizer. If anything it is the good that is repressed, not the evil. Furthermore, along with using the film's plot to force Alice down the rabbit hole of the Mad Hatter's mind, this film does address the nature of evil. When referring to Stargher, even Jennifer Lopez's character remarks "The Dominant side is still this horrible thing". The Vince Vaughn detective states "I believe a child can experience 100 times worse the abuse than what Gish (a different killer) went through, and still grow up to be somebody that would never, ever, ever hurt another living being." Thus, these serve as acknowledgement that the abducted criminal is firmly in the driver's seat to the point of its reference as a "thing" and a condemnation of what the killer has become, respectively.

Along with exploring the psychology of the killer, the film does not qualify the villain's innocence, it questions it.

The critics probably missed that pesky detail that would've debunked their headline before they pressed a single word of their denunciation.

These same professional critics wouldn't give a second's hesitation towards throwing Horror under the bus and condemning Scary Movies for inspiring violence if it meant their jobs were only the line, yet they would balk at the notion that continued mental trauma and physical abuse can cause psychopathic behavior.

There are classics and icons worth praising for their plot and performances, respectively, and then there are some Scary Films that Horror Fans view with the understanding of their heavy material and without your typical fanfare because they're a hard watch. I can see where people would be fans of Hannibal Lecter not because they or the film glamorizes cannibalism, but because of Anthony Hopkins' acting chops (excuse the pun). Conversely, John Doe, the serial killer of Se7en, has and will likely never enjoy such admiration because of the cold purity of his calculated evil. The 2 decade critique of The Cell's villain portrayal is a dark cloud that has unjustly hung over its head.

The motif of "the eyes of a killer" was something applauded in Rob Zombie's Halloween 2, yet ridiculed in The Cell 9 years prior?

This film's premise and the fact that it wasn't fully effectively executed makes it primed for a remake. Hollywood needs to be issued a Cease and Desist order of such wholesale dependence on Remakes in general, let alone in the Horror genre. When you consider that so many remakes can't outdo the original and even tarnish the films they attempt to emulate, why not fix the problems of a film that went wrong and take the credit when you get it right?

#TheCell #TheCellTurns20 #PortraitsOfASerialKiller

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apparentlynotreallyfinnish · 5 years ago

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Incognito - part 2

By popular demand, here’s part 2 of the dating app ficlet turned into chaptered fic. If you missed it, you can read the first part here. ---

BlueEyes78: Sorry! My battery died, took me a while to find my charger.

Link lied. He wasn’t about to write that he’d spent the last five minutes trying to figure out whether he’d just made his best friend cum.

PaddleBoardMe: Oh! Okay. I thought maybe you didn’t like my pic ;)

BlueEyes78: No! It was definitely hot.

PaddleBoardMe: Good. And since you’re new to this, a pointer. It’s advisable to keep your phone either charged or near a charger while sexting. It’s not nice getting cockblocked by technology. :D

BlueEyes78: Goop point! Thanks for the tip. :) I need to get to sleep though, sorry.

PaddleBoardMe: Oh yeah, me too. This was fun. Maybe we could do this again sometime?

Link’s stomach flipped. What was he supposed to say to that? Yes please, but first I have to make sure you’re not the most important person in my life? Link had never thought about Rhett in that way. Well, never was a strong word. There might have been an errant thought once in a while. Rhett was so goddamn leggy; those thighs of his could make anyone salivate. But Link had always been quick to chase those thoughts away. Their friendship was purely that: a friendship. Link didn’t want any sexual tension materializing and messing it all up. But just in case Mr. Paddleboard wasn’t Rhett.

BlueEyes78: Sounds good.

PaddleBoardMe: Nice : ) Good night. Sweet dreams.

BlueEyes78: You too.

Link kept staring at the photo. He had to be wrong. He had to be imagining things. Why would Rhett be in a dating app hooking up with men? Link slipped off the bed, quickly cleaned himself up in the bathroom and returned to the bedroom with his laptop. They were constantly shirtless in GMM. Link was wracking his brain trying to remember when was the last time Rhett had been unclothed. The swimsuits through the decades episode! Rhett had lost and had to wear that old swimsuit, the blue bottoms. Link opened Twitter and scrolled to the picture. He held up his phone next to it and tried to compare, but the angle was all wrong and the bottoms actually came up pretty high on his stomach.

Link scrolled down hoping to find something else and finally came to the video of them washing the flooring. It was a few years old but at least, in it Rhett’s belly was in full display. He squinted and turned his phone trying to make a definitive decision. His heart was beating out of his chest.

It was Rhett. It had to be Rhett.

It wasn’t Rhett. There was no way it was Rhett.

Link groaned and threw his phone on the bed. He slammed the laptop closed and pushed it away. His head hit the pillow and he closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing.

“Okay, let’s think about this logically,” he said out loud and immediately felt stupid. This whole thing was making him lose his mind. There had never been anything hinting at Rhett being gay. Link would know, right? It just had to be someone who looked a lot like Rhett – a tummy-double. And if it was Rhett… Well, they’d just talk it over. Neither of them had known. It was not like Link had purposefully sought Rhett out and tricked him into it!

Link scrambled for his phone and opened the app again. He went back to Mr. Paddleboard’s profile and read it with a new set of eyes. There was nothing exactly condemning but there were lots of little things that could be considered hints. Mr. Paddleboard liked camping. He liked to eat. He was taller than average. He dreamt of going on a sailing trip. All of these were things that applied to Rhett. But all were also things that probably thousands of men had in common. Link bit his lip. Maybe he could prod a bit. He tapped back to their messages.

BlueEyes78: Hey, did you go to sleep already?

The reply came almost instantly.

PaddleBoardMe: Not yet. You miss me already? ;)

BlueEyes78: Haha! Kinda. Can I ask you something?

PaddleBoardMe: Sure.

BlueEyes78: Do you do this kind of thing a lot

PaddleBoardMe: I mean... What’s a lot?

Link realized he sounded a bit judgmental. He didn’t want to insult Mr. Paddleboard, regardless of whether he was Rhett or not.

BlueEyes78: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that as it might have sounded. Just meant that I gather you’ve done this before?

PaddleBoardMe: Yeah. Not in this app. You’re my first here. ;) But other ones, sure.

BlueEyes78: Do you meet up with guys too? In person?

Link waited. He was sitting on the edge of the bed now, leg bouncing against the floor. If this was Rhett, what kind of answer was Link expecting? He’d never spent that much time thinking about Rhett’s love life, let alone his sex life. Rhett’s occasional girlfriends were just kind of there, somewhere in the background. Sometimes they were nice and Link liked to spend time with them, sometimes he’d rather not.

Link had definitely never thought about Rhett having sex with them. But now his mind filled with images of Rhett in compromising positions. Mr. Paddleboard seemed to be a bottom. Images of Rhett getting fucked by faceless men hit Link like a baseball bat in the chest and made him slightly nauseous. He mentally shook himself. Why was he reacting to the thought so viscerally? His phone lit up.

PaddleBoardMe: Sometimes. You vying for a date, baby?

Link blushed. That was not what he’d meant but he couldn’t deny that it was a fair deduction by Mr. Paddleboard. Maybe he should ask for a date. That would settle this once and for all. But the idea of setting up a date and going there and seeing Rhett… Link’s stomach lurched, and he had to close his eyes for a moment.

BlueEyes78: Just curious.

PaddleBoardMe: Nothing wrong with that. : ) I do meet up with folks sometimes. Not very often though. I don’t exactly want the word getting around…

Link perked up.

BlueEyes78: You don’t want people to find out you’re gay?

PaddleBoardMe: Bi actually, but yeah. I have kind of a public job.

Link’s heart shot into his throat. This had to be Rhett!

BlueEyes78: Really? What kind of job?

PaddleBoardMe: Maybe if we’ll meet up I’ll tell you. ; )

Link rubbed his neck and tried to think. He’d gotten so wrapped up in the thought that this was Rhett that he’d almost forgotten the possibility this was just a cool guy who possibly wanted to meet him. He didn’t want to miss a chance to get to know him if it turned out this wasn’t Rhett.

But it had to be Rhett, right? Link groaned and slammed his fist into the bed covers. His body was buzzing with nervous energy and he just needed to release it somehow.

BlueEyes78: I’m intrigued.

It had taken him a long time to answer and Mr. Paddleboard seemed to read into it.

PaddleBoardMe: But you’re not ready for a face-to-face? Or any other position for that matter? ;)

BlueEyes78: Yeah.

PaddleBoardMe: Don’t worry about it. There is no rush. And we can talk about normal stuff, we don’t have to just sext. I know we both chose the hook-up option but honestly, I’d really like to get to know you better. Your profile really piqued my interest.

A simmering heat pooled into Link’s belly and Link felt warm and almost like he was floating a few inches above the bed. It had been a long time since he’d felt like this; since he’d had a proper crush. God, please, don’t be Rhett... Be some other guy who happens to have Rhett’s stomach and similar interests and a similar job. I just wanted to explore a bit. I just wanted to dip my toe in the water. I just wanted something exciting and new. I didn’t want this mess.

BlueEyes78: Yours too.

Link told the truth. He’d been instantly interested. But now he wondered if it was because he’d subconsciously seen the similarities to Rhett and that was the reason he’d felt a connection. Rhett was his partner, in more than one sense. Link loved him. They’d basically built a life together. They went to school together, they moved to L.A. together, they started a business together. They even lived in the same neighborhood. There was an implicit trust between them built by years of memories and a life shared. Rhett was honestly the best person Link knew. Even his flaws were endearing. Of course, he’d gravitate towards someone similar.

PaddleBoardMe: Really?

BlueEyes78: Yeah. I was really glad when I got matched with you. You were my first choice.

PaddleBoardMe: Making me blush hard here, baby blue.

Link smiled. A heat rose to his cheeks too. He had to stop this though. If this was Rhett…things were about to be real awkward between them.

BlueEyes78: Thanks for answering my stupid questions. I really got to go to sleep now.

PaddleBoardMe: Okay. Talk to you tomorrow?

BlueEyes78: Sure. Sleep tight.

PaddleBoardMe: I think I’ll dream of you.

Link bit his lip and closed his eyes. The butterflies in his stomach went crazy. Don’t be Rhett. Don’t be Rhett.

BlueEyes78: I’d like that.

PaddleBoardMe: Good night, baby blue.

BlueEyes78: Good night.

Link closed the app. He didn’t want to be tempted to stare at the photo anymore. He’d just ask Rhett tomorrow. He was probably imagining things. How ridiculous of a coincidence would that be if they’d actually met each other in a dating app? Unthinkable. It couldn’t happen. Mr. Paddleboard had to be someone else.

Link crawled between the sheets and closed his eyes. But he was too anxious to fall asleep. As sleep circled Link like a vulture waiting for a parched man to die, Link thought of Mr. Paddleboard. He thought of being with him. How he would stroke that undeniably gorgeous cock. How Mr. Paddleboard would be naked, slicked-up and opened for Link to play with as he pleased. How he would whimper and beg as Link pushed in. How his hips would rise in need to take Link deeper. How he would be moaning Link’s name as he came while his whole body shook and writhed. But what Link definitely didn’t admit to himself was the fact that in his fantasy Mr. Paddleboard was Rhett.

#rhink #rhink fic #Incognito #part 2 #Link is confused #Appa writes fic

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lightcreators · 5 years ago

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a slightly altered timeline 2) the timeline in which they never met who would become the most influential or important person in their life, or that person was taken from them before they were capable of forming memories. @witchingrey

Okay. First of all, I have no idea how to start that answer unless you are going to have a heavily meta about the 'what if Lelouch had never met C.C how canon would have going?'. As a Code Geass veteran for be here since the first time it aired, and since how much I am emotionally conflicted with canon (hi Euphemia's death, hi R2, hi Zero Requiem), I have lot of thoughts, so many to say about the absence of Lelouch/C.C bond would impact canon.

Take a seat, prepare a number of handkerchiefs, we are going into a trip.

* Main divergence: Lelouch never received the Geass. From this information, the canon has a possibility of being transformed into two routes which I will call route a) Lelouch doesn't become by definition Zero since no possibility allows him to become it and to realize his greatest dream, which completely depend on his relationship with the future Black Knights following episode 1 of R1; route b) Lelouch nevertheless becomes Zero, conscious of his humanity, that he has no backup solution, that each movement on his part can no longer be recovered and that each error will be fatal. Besides how Lelouch can switch to route a) or b) and having a chance on itself depending if he survive the end of ep 1 of R1. You know, do you remember that soldiers were on the way to kill him? I prefer put that detail without a specific reason since it's cement the canon. Meaning that Lelouch would face three choices: 1) to be killed, 2) to escape but be wounded, 3) escape unwounded. I find myself offering open the three possibilities and depending of Lelouch's state, he will get either a) or b).

* Lelouch would devote himself completely to Nunnally until she is his only anchor. Into that timeline, if his sister disappear of his care or if his sister ended up died or without his saving hands --- Lelouch would never recover of it and it would be an complete emotional death. Nunnally would be the only person in the world to have a glimpse of his true nature, of the gentleness and the softness that man possess, inclined to do anything for protect her --- however regardless of a) or b) the heavier traumas weighing his shoulders, the exposition of his pain and doubts towards circumstances, the duty he feel and the unfair sentiment that following him, the hatred he have towards his world...wouldn't be known. Into route b) Nunally wouldn't still supposed to know that Lelouch is Zero --- and losing her over that fact would be insupportable *waves at the end of R1/some parts of R2* Meaning that Lelouch is condemned to losing his will of life into this timeline, to be removed of the reason of his actions/desire without any way to take it back, to live an emotional death that will lead him to sacrifice everything about his mental health/his sanity/his dreams/his future for her sake. Because, compared to canon, there would be no emotional support that would be able to understood how much Nunnally is his entire life and be able to put sense on him. Into this timeline, maybe Suzaku would handle that duty instead however it won't be enough.

* Remember into canon that Lelouch is the expert of mask himself under various personality traits, lie as he breathes, and tend to say the exact opposite of what he really thinks just to continue a general 'perception' that he wants under control? Canon can hold it beer. Into route a) it will change to an coping mechanism virally that his existence will deteriorate in this feeling of observing without being able to do anything, of having no possibility of reacting and finding himself in a feeling of being a 'bird in a cage until he runs out of oxygen'. He is doomed to lose interest in the world around him which he wants to destroy, which he refuses, but since he is nobody, remained nobody, will have to undergo the cruelty of his father's actions, will have to manage complicated situations with his family ... that his perspective will be similar to that of the canon but in a very bad way: he will detach himself so much from reality that he will no longer have any interest for it. Meaning, he will treat people like pieces of chessboard and shut himself up without letting anyone close. Into route b) Lelouch will cling to his role of Zero as second nature that he not allowed himself unless expected by some people into some instances (Nunnally, Suzaku, Kallen at some point, Euphemia when his identity is discovered) to reveal pieces of his true personality. Knowing that he is stuck without the potential to have a backup power, he will want to use his intelligence in every corner of opportunity that he has, to influence the people around him to play in his favor, will want to control the world around him insidiously and gaining power that way --- by hanging on to it even more and wanting to increase it even more. Allowed to be seen as a horrible person, to be seen as a heartless murderer, to have no consideration for the feelings of the people around him, he will play on each of these layers by pretending indifference of all the pain he feels proportionally to what he does. In this route, his true nature and his true ambitions will remain well locked inside him and alone he will face the mixture of guilt / regret / doubt / distress towards these actions...and since he is fated to an emotional death with the events of the canon, nothing can stop him.

* It's a point which I have the feeling of necessary to note: Lelouch will never know the feeling of love or in his case an inexplicable bond with another person whom he wishes to protect and feels free into the already presented love interests canon (Shirley into an complexed one-sided from her part and a deep affection of Lelouch that already not asking himself how he feel really towards her, one-sided love from Kallen) or those who can be perceived as such (* waves at Suzaku *). I want to say that canon-wise, it's already complicated for Lelouch to show more than platonic interest in someone and he certainly has his own way of showing more which comes in several interpretations (I could almost write his relation with C.C is a mixture of platonic, denied romantic , something much more mystical that I can made a novel on their relation and their dynamic depending of the eyes of the observer about the way to take it... but that's not the subject). Meaning? Meaning that regardless of a) or b) Shirley/Lelouch would end up with barriers on their ways from my others points exposed earlier. Kallen/Lelouch is a little doomed since the beginning but depending how far their relationship develop coming from Lelouch statut with the Black Knights, they come to have more development that the presented show. Suzaku is the special case of 'I love you but I want to kill you' from the wonderful inversed dynamic of Kamui/Fûma from X or the major theme about complicated love by CLAMP --- it's neither the point of this post but the dynamic of Lelouch/Suzaku though their mutual friendship/hatred is wonderful and would be deeper into that timeline that canon would expose.

* The traumas triggering by Charles vi Britannia would have been higher that canon, to the horrible point that even sending Lelouch into some therapy wouldn't help him. In canon, Lelouch was able to facing the immortality of his father because he have the Geass and a way to fighting back, to didn't turn out his pawn without be powerless --- here, whatever it's a) or b) Lelouch would have been fated to dealing with the fact without way to removing him of the picture and be fully 'used' by his father as a pawn. Since Lelouch wouldn't be able to becoming Emperor, that removing the entire Zero Requiem stuff...and since he hadn't the Geass and would have conscious of it otherwise into the OG timeline with Mao as first perspective of it...the show would have ended either into a) or b) into Lelouch having his dad as enemy...with high probability he get doomed by the same man into higher traumas. It would be the most ironic thing in existence since his name is a catchphrase, but Lelouch would hate to be a 'vi Britannia', to be one of these guys who destroyed the world...and will not having an occasion to coming in terms with his identity. He would fall into the holding 'Lamperouge' as much he can, feeling safety into 'Zero'...but in the end, would be entirely broken down by the actions of his father. Since...Charles would manage to bring up the Ragnarok to the world...and V.V wouldn't be stopped. Though it's a timeline in which Euphemia death doesn't happen and route b) showing hope about that peace be able to be created ---- route b) would exposing harder the emotional conflict Lelouch have with his siblings. Also, Lelouch is fated of not knowing the truth about his mother.

* miscellaneous on R1 if route b) : Clovis's arc taking longer to be finalised, Lelouch/Ohgi relationship taking more time so settle down since Lelouch can't afford to doing a mistake into his manipulation, showing arguments he is an leader and can be trusted without his Britannia origin showing up, major emotional conflict about Suzaku be the Lancelot all along, Lelouch risking to die in Narita, Lelouch constant fear to losing Suzaku and that One Scene when he have to find another way to making him live and he won't end up killed with him, Jeremiah's arc turn out even more complicated to win, Lelouch/Euphemia managed to doing that peace and saving a part of the Japanese with the immediate consequences on it, some breakdown of Lelouch when his sister is gone, Lelouch reveal be even more heartbreaking that the canon, Mao be the real exposure of the power of the Geass for Lelouch, Shirley remembering that Lelouch is Zero and be emotionally conflicted...

* miscellaneous on R2 if route b) : Lelouch not having his memories back until a long while or something triggering it, his inability to coping with the lose of Nunnally following it, an further complexed relationship with Rolo, an complexed relationship with Suzaku if as canon he became one of the Emperor's Knight, Diethard becoming an horrible problem for Lelouch, Black Knights betrayal destroying emotionally him for once and all, Schneizel turning into a long-term enemy for Zero, Charles vi Britannia be the last problem to stop...

Such a nice timeline...

#witchingrey #( answered. )#long post //#i have tried :'D #code geass spoilers //

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