#even tho I might have more by the time it goes out??
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can i kindly ask for a summary of how time is measured in your au? mostly the cycle/year stuff, im not sure if it's lifted from elsewhere or your own creation — either way i think it's really cool :) world building is awesome
very sorry if you've already gone over this elsewhere
Oh sure! I spent way too long figuring this out so i might as well explain it.
The cybertronian calendar goes in one direction forever unless a new Prime decides to reset it. Nova Prime reset the calendar when he declared the new Golden Age of Expansion, which is why Megatron’s canon Birthday is so small (1st cycle 012) as he was among the first Cold Constructed mechs onlined, and that started with Nova.
The only unit of measurement that we seem to have solidified is Vorns, which is 83 earth years (earth years=stellar cycle). The calendar’s cycles are measured by vorn, the first number counts vorn, and every 24 vorn the second number ticks up. after 24th cycle 12 it would become 1st cycle 013 and then 2nd cycle 013.
There…actually is no unit of time for the second measurement as far as I can tell, so I have no idea what to call it, but essentially you would say Megatron’s birthday as first cycle O’twelve, and people would know he was born 23904-ish years after Nova Prime’s calendar went in effect.
24 vorns is roughly 2000 years and every 500 dates on the calendar is roughly one million years.
I developed this calendar system based on the actual dates we do have in IDW1, I decided 24 vorns are when the calendar turns over because the war starts about a million years after Megatron’s birth and the canon dates for most of those events are in the 500s. I did have to ignore the single canon date set in the 51st cycle for this, but all the other dates are within the 1 to 14 range. And this is taking into consideration that the calendar probably reset some time under Zeta Prime (which is why the Battle of Sherma Bridge where Megatron and the newly anointed Optimus Prime allegedly duked it out for the first time happens in 2nd Cycle 087 even tho Megatron was beat up by Whirl in jail before the war in 4th Cycle 496). Some of the inconsistencies I also chalk up to some bots still using the old calendar. the only date I really cant figure out is 6th Cycle 356 being confirmed to be “half a million years ago” like?? Eh?? Ultra Magnus’ last fatality was pre earth pretty sure and that happened in the 3800’s (of nova’s calendar pretty sure). Maybe they missed a zero at the end of the date or something idk XD 3560 would make so much more sense for half a million years ago.
Also, 83 years is a long time and it does seem like they have smaller units of dating called chords and arcs but I just assume thats like days and months to us and I cant be bothered to figure it out. not enough info about it anyway. I’m sure one of those tracks stellar cycles and the other tracks cybertronian days.
i think the only other unit of time I've used is deca-cycles, just cuz I like how it sounds. a deca-cycle is about a month, or three weeks.
Megatron and Skywarp were constructed earlier on (012 and 023 respectivly), Thundercracker was constructed closer to when the matrix “ran dry” probably in the 100s, and Starscream was commissioned by Cryak at the end of the millenia, in the late 400s, after they’d stopped constructing seekers entirely. He must not have been more than a few vorns old when he met Thundercracker.
Starscream and Skyfire’s expedition would have taken them 40 on the calendar to get to earth, based on Skyfire’s shuttle speed. Starscream probably would have been able to make it back to cybertron a little bit faster.
I referenced this and this page of the wiki while working on this. Most of my worldbuilding is extrapolation from canon.
yes i did all this for one joke.
A few more timeline stuff: Megatron is about .7 million years older than Starscream, and Starscream is about half a million years older than the start of the war. The war lasted 3 million years before they crash landed on earth after which they went into stasis for one million years. Some time after they landed on earth, Shockwave successfully clones Sunstorm.
and in case you were wondering, sunny's serial code is referencing his Collector's Edition toy's ID number (089). SC stands for Seeker Class. they run out of glyphs slots after 999 so they sort them into batches. Sunny is the 089th frame built in batch 16. whether that means his frame was already built and left empty in storage somewhere and then repurposed by Shockwave, or Shockwave built him from scratch based on the blueprints and just continued the serial code sequence, I haven't decided. but either way, it means there was a finite number of seekers brought into the world and they dont even make up a whole united states city's worth of people. Lots of them are dead by now anyway. The whole cybertronian race is so small now they are all on first name bases with each other XD. But i digress, none of that has to do with time or calendar stuff, just thought it was fun.
thanks for asking!!
#transformers#transformers calendar#transformers worldbuilding#transformers units of time#transformers 2005 idw#transformers idw1
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Idea for a post-canon Destiel set up. It's long so bear with me but I'm never gonna write this but if someone else wants to or takes some inspiration from this-- feel free to do so. Castiel is saved from the Empty. One day, maybe a month after trying to get him back-- Jack just plops him into the Bunker. One little hiccup tho: Cas is human. Temporarily at least. Jack couldn't get Cas out of the Empty as is bc the entity had its hooks in him deep. And Jack thought the simplest thing to do was to cut Cas' grace out of him. You can't keep Castiel if he's a human. Jack plans to replace Cas' grace once he has a better grasp of his God Powers. Promises Cas will be extra-charged up eventually but for now, he'll have to remain human for the time being and has to chill with Sam and Dean in the bunker. And Dean's cool with that. He's been wanting Cas back for ages since the black goo swallowed him up. Only there's one problem that's screaming in Dean's head. He doesn't love Cas back.
Look, Dean cares about Cas so much. Cas is one of the most important people in the world to Dean and he wasn't gonna be able to live without Cas and function normally. That being said, that's just normal friendship stuff right? Or at least for their friendship it's normal to know that, had Cas been stuck in the Empty for eternity, Dean would have killed himself and eventually found a way to dismantle his soul. Because the thought of existence, even in death, without Cas in unbearable. BUT THAT'S NORMAL FOR FRIENDS TO FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT JUST FRIENDS! So Dean doesn't love Cas back and he's trying to be cool about it. Trying too hard to be casual about it. But it's fine enough. He cooks Cas food, they watch t.v, get updates on Jack about re-making Cas' grace, and Dean even makes Cas laugh and smile sometimes. So yeah, maybe Dean doesn't love Cas back but this might be enough. Right?
There's a hunt. Dean's hesitant on Cas going as a human but Cas says he was a soldier for a millennia, he'll be more than capable of handling his own in a fight. People are going missing and then being found weeks later, their bodies showing signs that before they died they were in deep distress. It's a monster Sam finds out tortures the victims mentally because it feeds off emotions. This one seems to feed off their victims feeling despair. Utter fucking despair. Great, Dean thinks. This will go fucking great. Cas gets caught so of course Dean goes after him. He's always gonna go after Cas. It's a shit show. They're tied up together and the monster can read human Cas' mind, no longer able to protect all his wants and desires with the shield that was his angel grace. The monster starts doing the cliche bad guy monologue and talks about it's seeing into Cas' mind and sees how badly he wants Dean.
Dean rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I already know pal. You're not gonna win this." Because it can't. It won't. Cas already confessed his unrequited love to Dean and yeah, it must hurt Cas to be reminded of it. But this isn't a secret. Dean knows and the monster can't use this against them right? (wrong. So very fucking wrong)
The monster keeps pushing, keeps revealing Cas' wants. His desires. "I'm surprised an angel's thoughts could be this sinful. Or is that why you're not an angel anymore?" it mocks. And look-- Dean's not shocked by Cas wanting sex with him. Because yeah, the guy's in love with him so Dean figured there was a good chance that Cas wanted to fuck him. And who could blame him? Dean knows he's a good looking guy and well-- he can't fault Cas for that. That's easy to understand. What's not easy to understand is what the monster continues to say. Says that's not even what Cas wants most from Dean. What could Cas want from Dean more than sex? Intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy but intimacy at its purest form. The monster says it's pathetic, Cas' thoughts. How Cas secretly cherishes every moment they touch. How he's felt selfish for liking when they hug after a dangerous fight and how he's reprimanded himself for even allowing himself to like those hugs. How when he heals Dean, it was something he hated himself for liking. How now he longs for those casual moments. A touch on the shoulder, feeling Dean brush by him in the doorway, a pat on the back, etc. How Cas has only been able to fall asleep some nights since becoming human when he pretends it's Dean he's holding in his arms and not a pillow. How he pretends he's watching over and protecting him because the highest honor he'd ever be given would be to watch over and hold Dean. How Cas thinks that if he had a heaven, it would be that.
The monster reveals all of this to Dean.
Cas' eyes are shining with tears. He's not looking at Dean. He's trying so hard to hold his emotions in, to keep them from spilling out but Dean's terrified. He's only seen Cas cry twice. Once from the confession and now. This is worse. Cas is humiliated. Heartbroken. Shattered. The monster's gotten what its wanted. Cas is broken and feeling nothing but pain. It starts feeding off him and Dean has no choice but to watch, still tied up. Sam saves the day just in the nick of time. The monster gets away. Sam unties them. Dean goes to check on Cas and Cas flinches away from him. He doesn't want Dean to touch him. Not now after Dean knows how much Cas craves the touch. It's too humiliating, too revealing. Dean tries to make things okay but it's not working. He thinks maybe Cas will get over it, that they'll go back to normal in a day or two. Weeks pass and Dean is going crazy. Cas and him have had no physical contact in ages. Not since before that monster humiliated Cas and then got away. Dean puts all his anger and hurt and every emotion he's feeling into hunting that son of a bitch down. he blames the monster for Cas ignoring him. It's not just that they've not had their usual causal touches, it's that Cas is completely different around him. No more movie nights. Tries to eat at different times than Dean-- going so far as to try and learn cooking for himself. Tells Dean he's busy when he wants to hang out. It's awful. Sam tells Dean he just needs to talk to Cas but god fucking dammit he's TRIED and Cas won't give him the time of day. It's like he's lost Cas all over again. Cas won't even look at him most days. Dean wants to cry over it but doesn't let himself think it. Dean wants to find that fucker who ruined his friendship bc none of this would be happening if that emotional bloodsucking dick hadn't revealed Cas' wants to feed off his despair. Dean spends days doing nothing but tracking that monster down and he does. He goes on a hunt alone. It goes poorly. Cas kills the monster and saves the day. Dean is injured. Not enough to warrant a hospital but he's in rough shape. Cas gets him to the motel. He's trying so hard to patch him up but without his powers he can't heal Dean the way he used to. He hates not being able to help Dean more. Hates seeing his face bruised and hearing Dean wince when he shifts in the motel bed he's laying down in. All he's been able to do is put on bandages and give him water. He asks Dean what he can do to help. What can he do that will have Dean feel better because Cas hates feeling useless. Dean looks at him from the bed and asks for one simple thing.
"Hold me"
Cas is hesitant. He doesn't know what to say, if he should even do it. Because is this a pity thing. But all his reluctance goes out the window when Dean says, "please". Weak and tired. And truly just wanting to be held. How could Cas say no? He's never been a strong angel man when it comes to Dean Winchester. So he gets into the bed and holds Dean. Dean cries. It all comes out now. The emotions he's been holding in since Cas got taken. Losing Cas the first time, the second time, third, forth, fifth--- and this distance that's come between them which has felt like losing Cas in another way. It all spills over and Dean just wants Cas closer to him. Impossibly closer but it doesn't stop him from holding him tighter. He tells Cas he wants this too. That he wants to be held. To hold Cas as well. To be with him. To be together. They're better together aren't they? He doesn't even know if Cas is in love with Dean anymore, it hasn't felt like it. Dean just wants his best friend back because he's missed him desperately. But if Cas wants him-- he's got him. He's got all of him forever and always. Eternity. Death won't separate them again. Dean doesn't want 'til death do us part'. Dean wants eternity with Cas, if Cas will have him.
#destiel#dean and cas#dean winchester#castiel#castiel is touch starved#so is dean#sorry this is so long but tbf this is an average Monday thought for me#Dean Winchester loves Castiel#and he needs to stop being an idiot about it#sorry that this is soooooo long#whoopsie#destiel fic idea#spn fic idea#post-canon spn#the empty#cas is saved from the empty but there's still issues before happily ever after
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funny how this fic started off as an "unserious" idea (not cracky, more so i didn't take it that seriously, it was basically so i could rotate certain characters from my head into a google doc), i didn't expect to care abt it as much as i do now like i have a basic chapter layout for half of the set chapter count, specific scenes prewritten, a planning doc with around five pages thus far, the basics (title, summary, etc), random scenes for it spinning around in my head, and a bit of chapter one and three pages of chapter four written 😭
and i started properly thinking stuff for and working on this fic like...two days ago
it was not supposed to be This Serious hfjkdhf
#(this reminds me of how unserious i initially took picking petals but then it turned into All That lmaoo)#literally shoved some of my fav reboot rarepairs in this lmao#i think the reason why i havent made more progress with the chapter prewriting is bc college is kicking my ass i hardly get free time 😭#and also there arent any transcripts for s2 of the reboot :(#had to do psychology and mental health research for one of the characters for a hc and although i wanna incorporate it im hesitant#bc i dont wanna fuck it up somehow. but also im doing more research in case i think of another idea for them#i might go for it tho. we'll see. if i do its gonna further the angst bc some Baggage goes with it but stuff will wrap up too#so far whenever i think abt them i use that sort of lens anyway#so either i do it fully or aspects are implied via connective factors like environmental surroundings#either way it will involve that specific idea i have thought up to some degree#anyway im halfway thru s2 and taking notes for the fic while watching (i was planning on watching first then rewatching while outlining-#-buuut im too pumped lmao i see scenes and go 'oh imagine if i change it up a little in the fic' etc etc and then i just gotta jot it down)#the elimination order is tearing my hair out tho bc i love the cast but s2's elimination order was Not It i def gotta change that#ugh so much planning 😭 it was NOT this difficult with picking petals#(could be bc tdpi is my fav cast to write for)#sigh. lets see how it goes! and if I'll even publish this anytime soon lmao#kit writes#kit stuff#noahtally-famous#(....also dw ygs i know i rlly gotta finish agtsta's next chapter too-)
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I got an email from my grandpa today and all the draft responses I’ve been working on in my head sound like an 18th century letter that’s going to have to travel for months to reach him.
pandemic year 5 really has me feeling like me and a very small handful of people I know are living on an entirely different plane of existence than everyone else
#like I haven’t seen him in over a year. I’ve seen him 3 times since 2020#so I guess on the isolation and slow communication front it’s pretty similar#he used my chosen name. I haven’t changed my email yet but he used my chosen name#I don’t even care at this point if he never gets my pronouns right#I thought I’d never be able to tell him. I didn’t want to find out his politics were more important#he’s quiet and kind and he gives people expensive gifts any time he can afford it but he constantly forgets people’s allergies#so he might get you something you can’t have but whoever you pass it along to will love it#he cries at weddings and during church services and sometimes random holidays#he passes out in his rocking chair at every family function#he’s the unofficial photographer of every gathering ever since my great grandfather stopped being able to walk as much as the job requires#and he voted for trump in 2016 and has afaik an active nra membership#he once complimented my outfit by telling me he’d call me a stud if I was a guy#which like. ok. I have some notes#but uh. thanks?#idk I’m just. it sucks being so far away from everyone and everything because the rest of the world is ignoring an ongoing pandemic#I’m missing so much of my life and others lives and even parts of my own transition#I can make steps to reach out but it only goes so far if poeple#are unwilling to mask or vaccinate or even just ask what needs to happen to make it safe#so I don’t. idk. kill my partner#or become even more disabled than I currently am#my family’s been making steps and they’re taking me seriously but it’s all so slow and I’m still sore from bracing for rejection#I’ve been bracing for rejection for so so long it’s terrifying to reach out. about anything#this is not condusive to a healthy relationship lol#not sure what to do other than bonk myself on the head and say ‘get better’ tho#*bonk* ‘try again’#one step at a time ig#ahshitherewegoagain.jpg#.txt
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So the funny thing about my veilguard game is that I'm almost definitely overleveled. I just went and fought the blighted dragons in the wetlands, and... eh. Before this id already fought and killed the revenant dragon in the crossroads, which was a bit of a challenge. I even needed to use 2 potions for it. But I still killed it no problem. The wetlands blighted dragons were pretty easy in comparison.... though I Will say, fighting *two* dragons at once was a fun, unexpected surprise. Kept me on my toes a bit!! I still didn't need to use any of my potions, though
#speculation nation#fanny plays dav#datv spoilers/#i have 5 potion slots but ive got a fuckin freakishly high defense#for a rogue especially. like 435 or smth?? i forget exactly what it is but definitely over 400#i already killed the demon-possessed dragon in the crypts. so i got the 200 defense armor#plus a +30 defense enchantment. plus a really good helmet. plus a +10% defense enchantment.#PLUS that one defense ring fully maxed out so it's giving me another +30 defense and i think another +10%??#plus protecting me from taking more than a quarter of my health in a single hit.#so i may be a melee rogue with questionable dodging skills who never fuckin parries. but im a fuckin Tank of a rogue.#and ive got that pilfer skill still that i tend to default to before using potions. or have a mage heal me.#so i rarely need to use potions. still like keeping the extra slots there tho. just in case.#im also still using the toothpick dagger. a bleeding build. got that ring thing that adds to it too.#and my other sword is the super beefed up necrotic sword. bc i love it. and im a necrotic build too.#so im just throwing around necrosis and bleeding like it's nobody's business.#my ability damage isnt the best since that's the downside of that armor. but i ALSO have that talisman from mythal#that does extra damage for low health enemies (counting any average enemy as low health) so like. im still wrecking shop.#i also suck ass a little bit so i'll be out there getting knocked on my ass in really embarrassing ways.#but it's ok i have a wonderfully high defense. i can survive Anything.#very effective build. i jab them with my swords a few times. make sure i dont die. and then enemies just have a habit of dying on their own#(since both necrosis and bleeding are damage over time. and i can do up to like. 11 bleeding slots i think. they bleed a LOT)#though it might even be TOO effective... nice to have a surety in my abilities but im also like#things have a habit of dying so quickly when i fight them... :( no i wont lessen the effectiveness of my build tho fuck that#im just looking forward to my next game where i play a mage. probably still gonna be pretty melee. but we'll see how that goes.#i also maybe wanna play a grey warden too. and romance davrin. for the funsies...#but for now. the most badass short little elf taking heavy fucking hits as they jab enemies with this tiny lil dagger#and then suddenly the enemies are dead! imagine that lol#tho it does create a bit of a challenge if things are resistant to necrotic or immune to bleeding.#like i fought that Zara lady today and realized it was taking a lot longer than normal bc my bleeding wasnt Working on her#which makes sense. given the blood mage thing. oh well i still got her >:]
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rewatching 13s era for me is not so much diminishing returns as it is something opposite and eviler...............increasing losses? increasing losses
#every time i rewatch an episode the points where it couldve been better poke me in the eye#maybe probably the exact same thing would happen with any other thing i would get this obsessed about#you stare at something long enough its flaws will become ever more apparent#you love something enough everything it could have been but IS NOT becomes ever more painful#i watched 13x5 tonight.........honestly what the fuck goes on#no these were my responses now 3 years and probably a dozen rewatches in:#1) what the fuck goes on#2) philosophically stilll utterly unintelligible to me i might be stupid#swarm and azures whole thing. like. everything they say about their Schemes is completely......incoherent. i dont understand it.am i stupid#3) feels like most agents in these plots are just doing busywork. but might be my inability to understand plot again#but like diane?? who is she what is she why is she#4) 13s message to yaz 'flux destroys universe so refugees coming take over earth your task' is.....like.....profoundly......wtf#and seemingly easily fixable: flux destroys universe refugees come to earth find a way to welcome them#get unit involved THAT way. right?#unit as the liaison between humanity and alienity. rebrand#but maybe that doesnt work with the snakeman plot idfk im stupid with plot#5) scenes between 13 and tecteun couldve been so much more. mastervoice: i have Notes. first and least: tecteun shouldve called her Child#damn now i want to do 13 era rewrite again#i really should do that one day i think it would be good for my skills#turn it into a good oldfashioned 13 ep series. still one story tho. but to deepen everything out a bit more#actually getting into all the stuff thats only sort of Touched upon#making swarm and azure not only make sense but also emotionally important and if possible even lore-wise interesting#more abt the division past. doesnt need to be shown in detail if the absence is the point. that doesnt mean there cant be more absence#swarm&azure lore + division lore + vinder&bel lore in separate pieces starting to show a horrible puzzle when put together#yaz and dan in 1900s for 3 full eps or so. time to breathe. more yaz&13 stuff. a lot more 13&yaz stuff#i think that might actually be the heart of it. maybe it should be the heart of it#leaning into that 13-tecteun parallel. the frustration and resentment. build up to the 'so why are you SO interested in him!' stuff#more of their life in the tardis just the two of them without buffer#i kinda want to play with like a lot more body language between them which the camera doesnt allow as we have it#like zoom the fuck out pls
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i started reading this fucking out of character thick of it fanfic like a week ago bc even tho i could tell from first glance it was going to be ooc i was just curious and it sounded kind of funny slash tragic. (how are you tagging grief child death domestic violence attempted suicide on a ttoi fic hello?) and i dooo like complaining And for the most part if it weren't supposed to be about those guys it would just be pretty good so im not Regretting it? but i didn't realise how many stories were in the series and im probably 150k words in. and not much more than halfway through
#and it doesnt even have sex scenes. fml#me.txt#iam also so fed up with writing that seems to romanticise women prioritising men andtheir emotions over their own personal safety/ wellbeing#like im not saying you cant Depict that but maybe lets unpack that. and not treat it as if it's just that woman's inherent personality#rather than a something shes been Taught to do#though while we're on the subject actually i dont think the way nicola is written is in character either#like i focus on malcolm bc its more egregious but nicola is not.. shes not putting her kids before herself like that.#i know losing one of them might make a difference but its not even presented like it's bc of that. its just oh im writing a woman well her#priority must be her kids! well no she is a bad mum and doesnt really like her kids so#but that didnt stand out to me so much until i started rewatching s3.#i was more like ah yes. famously anti-racist feminist ally malcom tucker who easily goes not just hours but months at a time without saying#anything homophobic and uses the occasional ableist turn of phrase in his mind but usually keeps it to himself.#i mean i can definitely understand not wanting to comr up with and write realistic malcolm tucker dialogue. i wouldnt want to.#but well the whole thing is a bit he wouldnt fucking say or do any of that#but again. i could see that clearly from the description and walked in eyes open#its good tho its given me a lot to think about at work.
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watching rick and morty this season has been weird and I can’t decide whether it’s to do with the actual quality of the episodes or the intentional emotional distancing I did when the roiland accusations came out.
like you have to understand I haven’t really been known to “return” to fandoms a whole lot. while I’ve never really been someone to jump onto “trendy” fandoms, (I usually stay in the same primary fandom for at least a couple years) and I have love for all my past hyperfixations, usually my online engagement with said past hyperfixations boil down to reblogging fanart and memes every now and again - and occasionally some insightful analysis if I come across it.
that wasn’t the case with rick and morty. I was first hyperfixated on it in 2016 and was active in the fandom and then I did so again in 2022 and because of that it felt kind of special and unique to me in a way. and because of that, those allegations hit almost embarrassingly hard lmao, especially considering before that I wasn’t even expecting roiland to be an especially good person to begin with. but to have a show that meant a lot to me in two separate stages of life be marred with all the ways he used to abuse his power really hurt. so yeah I took a huge step back.
and trying to get back into it this season, it always feels like there’s just a small piece missing, idk. I don’t think any of the episodes have been bad, although a couple have some more obvious issues than others and honestly, I actually really liked episode 4 a lot but the thing is even then I felt like I didn’t really have anything to say about it. and I had more to say about episodes last season that I liked less. I just don’t find myself engaging in the show as deeply as I used to. and knowing that it’s not because of a natural shift in my focus, that this was because of something that happened, it kinda sucks.
this didn’t really have a point in the end I guess I wanted to dump the conflicting feelings I had down somewhere
#shut up abe#rick and morty#also doesn’t help that earnestly admitting to having/having had a lot of earnest attachment to r&m is more embarrassing than most things bc#of its pop cultural perception#like I have a lot more followers and mutuals now than I did this time last year or even than when the allegations first came out#so this might be the first time some ppl are finding out how much I like this show and there is a part of me that’s embarrassed about that#even tho I know I shouldn’t be#anyways the new voice actors are doing pretty good jobs I don’t feel like either of them have set into the roles completely yet but I feel#like it’s pretty clear that they will as time goes on#thought I’d mention that here bc I doubt I will anywhere else
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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Anyways I had to rush a semi major assignment done in like. An Hour before it was due after trying and failing to work on it allll night and getting no sleep at all. Why? Because i was busy reading Alternate Universe by Unda and going insane thoughts in the tags.
#unlike the other two unda fics ive read#where the title is basically just a one off line from an early chapter#the title really matters here and not becahse it gets meta like mce!#also while i liked it a LOT im unsure if thisll be one i reread much. mce has that crown with like. a billion already.#i reread mce and reread it eight after#and occaisionally reread parta of dbdc but its a lot longer so that stalls out#au tho has a lot less downtime in it. once the plot starts realllly happening it doesnt stop and its reveal after reveal after reveal#so a bit emotionally exhausting#also unsure about hlw sollux and dave are so impkrtant... but not primary pov characters it causes some problems... ik for plot reasons but#like i love rose here. even compared to mce this might be the best rose of the three#but it causes some conflict between plot focus and story focus as time goes on from early where its all davesolkat but mostly solkat#to: rose is more important than both sol and dave agency wise#not bad just. a conflict there#anyways go read it if you havent. likely easy to get jnto for non hs readers actually#just some minor references and name stuff youd miss#totslly coherent plot wise#ALSO GETTING TO PREDICT STUFF WAS GREAT#I FELT SO SMART FIGURING OUT KARKATS SPECIES LIKE... CHAPTER 4 OR SMTH. MAYBE 3#EVEN IF THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN INTENDED
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entering my mostly sober era fr this shit kindve rocks ngl
#🍒#i like to drink its fun but i drink too much and w out purpose. same goes for weed#i think if i didnt indulge in one or the other or both every night and only like once or twice a week. id be a lot happier :3#alcoholism OVER pot head era OVER#cant do the things i love to do most when im drunk or high all the time and it finally seems like right place right time for me to realize#i can stay up and read tonight…. ive been pretty much only reading at work bc its the one time i cant be drunk or high all thru out#ok. like my world just got a little bit bigger#i need you guys to realize how big this is for me ive drank like every night for the past year#also not Indulging every night will make the times i do more enjoyable#this is like. basic common sense but its like a revelation ive been working up to like i was a teenage alcoholic and an adult achie haulic#alchie hydraulic… that was gona be my joke. dammit…#anyways it feels really good to not be high or drunk rn usually i loathe it and hate it but rn. it feels like sunshine :3#uhm. this might be cringe but idc ! been obsessed w drugs and booze my whole damn life ! am finally realizing! having a moment here !#okay no more tumblr diary posts im gona. get some ice cream even tho its not my day off (when. i usually let myself have some) and im gona#read and have fun and eventually fall asleep very peacefully :3 good night tumblr
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god... the durge play through is so much fun so far... just now my durge, face absolutely covered in worg dung, intimidated a goblin into kissing her feet and earned simultaneous approval from lae'zel, shadowheart, and astarion
#i thought about just biting his toe off but this makes more sense for my particular durge lol#god... lae'zel is so hot for her tho#durge is being a murder goblin and lae'zel is just like “i must have you carnally”#literally she said she wants to have sex with me after we killed the owlbear with the absolute cultists... like... we even killed the cub..#that timing is INSANE#astarion likes durge a lot too but not quite as much at least not so far lol#shadowheart goes back and forth but i am probably going to replace her with minthara anyway#i have been thinking it might be kinda funny to kill everyone in the grove before meeting minthara just because... imagine...#“we need you to help us kill these tieflings” “oh no worries i already did that”#“what why?” “...fun?”#and then suddenly minthara wants to fuck durge too lol#honestly though odds are what would actually happen is the quest would get bugged ha#i did kill nettie though the instant she gave me an excuse#and now i have her crown thing that opens the secret door#and apparently there's a rune i can get that opens some kind of a stash#but the person i can loot it from is hard to loot#durge is trying to exacerbate the conflict between the druids & the tieflings though#so she got kagha to kill arabella#and kagha was like “say it. you think i'm a monster.”#and she told kagha “not at all. it was quite a show” and kagha's like “monsters both then. viper to viper.”#i'm like holy shit okay... that's a line#then she went to arabella's parents and told her kagha was calling her all kinds of names to try to get the tieflings angrier at her#but meanwhile she tells the other druids it was clearly an accident and they should keep following kagha#i need to figure out how to get these goblins to give me some tasty dwarf meat though. reminds me of my childhood.
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potential adhd diagnosis arc? hello??
#rambles#unexpected but makes sense#feels kind of fake because i brought it up with a therapist before but she was like#(after we handed out a questionnaire to parents/teachers)#‘everyone said in their quizzes they didn’t notice anything odd so you don’t have it 🤗’#even tho im extremely quiet and don’t really interact much and have mastered the stare at the screen and drift off thing#so it would make sense for them not to notice anything#but the psych i talk to for meds was like i was suspecting this for a while because we’ve been working on your mood for so long (6 yrs)#that there might be something else there that went under the radar#because some people are smart so it goes unnoticed until workloads get unbearable like upper highschool/university#so she said she wanted to talk about it more next session and to talk to parents about childhood stuff so we will see#but yeah mixed feelings. it would explain a lot but also feels fake but also it would explain a lot#literally day before appointment i was like#‘we’ve been working on this so long i can’t tell if im actually depressed or if im at normal level and just bad at everything by default’#(and by everything i mean organization. which happens to be everything)#doing chores. going to bed on time. eating meals. keeping apartment clean. doing homework on time. listening to lecture. showing up on time.#it’s all boring and feels like torture when really it’s just frying eggs in a pan and cleaning it after#if i’m not doing my hobbies it sucks and even doing my hobbies there’s constant guilt for not doing what im supposed to#hell.#ok.
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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being in a family of other addicts is weird, i never really thought of it like that but us all being in town together for my graduation has just been like (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U)
#i dont even think of us as addicts rly even tho we all are. like. medically and socially. hell i may not know him but my birth father is in#PRISON for addict behavior soooo#anyway i made some mild drug choices and though i was pretty immediately displeased with the sensations and their consequences nothing#overtly bad happened this time so id call it a neutral thing#i just had a couple beers bc i was sad and my grandad had an entire bottle of wine by himself prior to that#and like a couple beers is Fine but i didnt realize my tolerance had tanked and i shouldnt drink out of sadness and i only got. sadder. so.#at least they tasted good mm duvel (LOUD CRYING) anyway good luck babe by chappell roan#and i had some weed w my dad. i forgot how much i hate getting weed from other ppl bc ive never found a Soul who knows weed like i do so#theyll just go 'oh it's for sleep.' 'no like what strain is it' '8#ignore the 8 lol anyway#'idk' 'ok then is it like hybrid or do you not know' 'yeah idk' cool at least my dad knew the mg#i honestly needed to eat like in a bad way ive had so much trouble eating recently even eating out so this was helpful on that front#think this might be my first like properly full stomach in a while#and i definitely did need the nap but i DIDNT need the muscle pain#so to answer my own question to my dad earlier that was a HYBRID with the worst characteristic of sativa in it#cause that shit makes pain far more obvious sometimes and man has my whole body hurt for a few days#anyway speaking of body pain im helping a friend move tomorrow THEN going to bjj skdnsksms#it's fine im fine#anyway yeah long story long im Good and i couldve refused my family's offers yes and i have before and have often while theyve been here!#but i didnt because we all in my family got that same 'ehhh fuck it i deserve this' attitude sometimes#but nothing blew up this time though i still didnt like it so again. reminding myself that even when it goes well i still just Dont Like It#ergo do not do the thing#sobriety update#drugs tw#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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vent
#i was hungry today so i think my appetite is coming back despite the pills#and im not sure if thats a good thing#i still cant focus so i mean. lol. lmao even#at least i cant make myself start tasks and my executive dysfunction is as bad as ever#now i have the issue of if i keep getting hungry like before im gonna gain weight again and i dont wanna#look theres nothing wrong with being fat or chubby and god knows im not aiming to be a stick figure but oh my god i dont want to gain weigh#i should work out and get fit like a normal human and that means i should eat right. but i still have that nagging feeling#i love myself. i do. i have the dissociation thing where i cant recognize myself in the mirror tho. and its not good this time.#usually i dont really mind since its like. you know like its not me anyway so what does it matter if that girl is fat or not#but im really self conscious and feel gross and i dont know why it all started back up again#i want to measure it. want to weigh myself. want to count calories and check with measuring tape#but i really shouldnt and i know that if i do i will trigger such a bad episode i might end up in the fucking hospital#i need to hold out until this episode goes away. i need to stand it all until i get my head back together.#i dont wanna get malnutrition or lose weight so fast my skin gets flappy#but every little thing i eat ends up nagging at the back of my head about how if i eat more ill get fat and noone will like me then#its not true. i know its not true. and i know fat people are gorgeous and i am already chubby so what does it matter#but i feel horrible. i dont want to look like this or feel like this or be like this#i want to be the best i can be. i want to reach my full potential. but its not exactly working. i swear to god i wanna love myself#i want to be loved. i want to be adored. i want to be the one someone picks even if the room is full of gorgeous and competent women#i want to be the first choice and for the person to see me as the most beautiful person in the world#to be the first choice and to be everything someone wants and needs. to be the ideal. to be the perfect one even with my flaws#i want someone to look at all the ugly sides of me and look at my fat and my emotional fuckery and my ugly crying and still love me#i want someone to love me so wholeheartedly i wont ever feel like theyd like someone else. that theyd pick someone else. that im not no.1#i want to be that person you do a double take of. to be the one that people get jealous of. to be the spotlight. to be the prettiest one.#its egoistical and selfish and childish and mean and dumb and naive and self absorbed i know. i know that it is#but its still there and its embarrassing . but im not gonna pretend like i dont have these thoughts and feelings.#im not smart or pretty enough to stand out. i dont know what could make me special. i dont know what i do that makes me unique.#what am i? who am i? how do i get better? i want to be better. i want to be better i want to be better i want to be better#i want to reach a new level i want to reach their level i want to be at the top i want to be special i want to be better i want to be proud#i want to be genuinely proud and special and outstanding enough to not feel insecure or inferior anymore
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