#even listening to the latter half of the ost is breaking me

[sparkles-rule-4eva]

I'm stupid but I only just realized what triggered Sonic's memory of Tom's words to him, when he was about to kill Shadow.

It was Shadow pointing at his own chest, his own heart, demanding that Sonic go ahead and finish him off.

His heart.

Just like Tom had pointed at Sonic's heart, except in the entirely different context of "You didn't let your pain change who you are. In here."

And then he remembered. 💔

[chokememrstark]

Falling Apart // Angstmas Day 6

Words: 1996

Summary: After high school, Sam is forced to leave his best friend Lucifer behind to go to college. He misses him and hates to go, but his parents force him to. Being so far away from Lucifer, however, is worse than he imagined and when he comes back to visit he notices that Lucifer has changed. Sadly, Sam has no idea how much and what worse things are about to come, or he would have never left his side again for even a minute.

character death, drug abuse, best friends, college!au, human!au, abusive parents, long distace friendship, remorse and regret, angst

Note: Second last fic, I hope you like it. Sorry for posting so late today ^^”

Tagging: @shebahda   @sassysupernaturalsweetheart    @spnyoucantkeepmedown    @wearemykingdom    @brieflymaximumprincess   @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway  

If you want to be added to/removed from the taglist, please let me know!

Read on AO3!

 Is there anything worse than slowly losing the person you care about ost, without being able to do anything about it? Sam would say that the answer is no. He had known Lucifer for as long as he could remember and never during those many years he would have imagined him to disappear from his life. Lucifer was always there, being his friend and a source for happiness and strength - until all of this slowly began to fade away.

 It all started after they finished high school - Sam as the best of his class and Lucifer barely making it to the end. Of course Sam never mattered about his best friend’s grades or anything else, but sadly not everyone thought the same way. Lucifer’s father - a choleric and alcoholic author that enjoyed beating his kids up - was furious when his second-oldest son broke the news to him that he would not go to college. That night, Lucifer had stood on Sam’s doorstep to ask his friend for shelter - drained from the rain and severely bruised. Of course Sam didn’t hesitate to take him in and even helped him attend his wounds, but it was the downfall of what he had thought would last forever.

 Sam always knew Lucifer wouldn’t go to college - he simply wasn’t the type for it. Not that he was dumb or lazy, but Lucifer simply had a way of seeing the world that didn’t go well with school at all. He was a free spirit and all through high school it was clear that Lucifer’s future did not involve going to school for any longer than ultimately necessary. Lucifer was very smart, but in a way that didn’t correspond with his own. Still, that didn’t influence their friendship at all - for Sam Lucifer was more than the grades he got. For all this time Sam had cherished his friend for who he was, not for what others saw in him.

 When Sam was accepted to college, however, he felt that things changed. He had spent his last two free months with Lucifer on a road trip through almost half of the US, but all this time he could feel that his friend was hiding something from him. Sure, they had fun and for the most part Lucifer acted the way he knew him - but there were moments when Sam knew the other wanted to say something, even though he never did. They were close, as close as best friends could be without being lovers, but this time Lucifer didn’t talk to him as Sam had hoped. He wanted to spend as much time with his friend as possible, because leaving Lucifer behind was the hardest thing he could imagine.

 At first, things did seem to go on as normal. Lucifer wasn’t with him all the time anymore, but they called each other almost every day and stayed in contact. Sam was lonely, but there was barely enough time to recognize this feeling thanks to his overwhelming homework and classes. It was a true relief when Christmas rolled around and he could go back home for one and a half week. His family was very excited to see him and they spent a nice Christmas together, but what he looked forward to most was meeting Lucifer again.

 His friend, whom he knew to be energetic and adventurous, had become quiet and withdrawn. When Sam visited him he seemed overly excited to see his friend again, but something about this whole evening felt weird. Sam tried getting Lucifer to talk for many hours, but there was really nothing coming from the other. His friend looked tired and so worn out, but he couldn’t figure why and the other didn’t tell him either. Sam had a very hard time leaving again, knowing something was wrong with Lucifer and he couldn’t do anything. He would have stayed and focused on nothing but Lucifer, but it was impossible thanks to his pushing mother and father, who basically told him to go to college or get lost - in a nice and manipulative way, of course.

 So, Sam stayed in college and studied, but he did his best to call Lucifer every single night. He was determined to show him that they were still friends just the way they used to be, even if they were so far apart. He felt awful for not being there for his best friend the way he had been before. Of course Lucifer always sounded happy whenever Sam called, but it was so obvious that he was faking it that it hurt Sam whenever he listened to the forced cheery voice. All these years Lucifer had never felt the need to lie to him and now it was so obvious that Sam wanted to scream.

 The very first day of Spring break, Sam was back in his hometown and on Lucifer’s doorstep, determined to make his friend talk. He had made a plan over the last weeks to trap Lucifer in the house and to keep him there until he would speak, but his plan was quickly destroyed by Lucifer’s unusual and jumpy behavior. He took Sam out to a bar, they drank and Lucifer talked about his family and his new job to no end. If he wouldn’t have known his friend for so long, Sam might have actually believed that he was genuinely happy. But to him is was obvious that he was hiding something under all this happy talk.

 The night before he would be forced to leave again, Sam visited Lucifer again in a last attempt to find out what was going on. He simply couldn’t accept the way the other acted, as it was so different from the Lucifer he knew. Something had to be up. When Lucifer opened the door he had the same fake smile on his face, but no matter how much Sam tried to make him talk, in the end he got nothing.

 On his last day, Sam eventually snapped at Lucifer and told him to just spill what the hell was wrong with him because he couldn’t take this masquerade any longer. He had tears in his eyes from his desperation to get an answer, but the one he got hurt him more than any lying or pretending ever had before. Lucifer looked straight into his eyes, the bright blue of his own underlined by circles so dark that Sam knew he hadn’t slept for days, but that wasn’t the worst part. It was the emptiness and betrayal in his eyes that made Sam’s chest tighten.

 “Don’t pretend you care about me, Sam. If you’d care, you would have never left me alone in this nightmare of a life.”

 And with these words Lucifer slammed the door right in front of his face. Sam was stunned, both by the words and the look in Lucifer’s eyes. He couldn’t understand how this all had happened and no matter how much he knocked on the door after he managed to snap out of his state or how many times he yelled Lucifer’s name - the door stayed closed and Lucifer stayed silent. Sam had never felt so horrible and disgusting in his life.

 Back at college, Sam was torn between pleasing his parents and screwing everything to go home and find out what was wrong with Lucifer and even though everything in Sam screamed to do the latter, he didn’t. There was nothing else he wanted as badly as to go back to Lucifer and shake some sense into him, but the practical part of his brain made him stay. He knew that he only had this one chance for education - if he dropped out now or took time off, he knew his dad would pull him out of college completely and there would be no going back anytime soon.

 It didn’t help much that Sam kept calling Lucifer daily sadly, because he simply wouldn’t pick up. Soon, Sam didn’t know what to do anymore. His best friend and the most important person in his life had slipped away from him and there was nothing he could do, no matter how hard he tried. He was too far away, both physically and emotionally, and it slowly broke his heart.

 It was a month before the end of the semester - by then Sam was so devastated and worried that he had failed almost all of his classes and it was impossible to even care anymore - that Sam got a call from a number he didn’t know. He didn’t recognize the voice, nor the name - Michael - but what he did understand was the message and it was one that made him drop the phone and sink on his knees.

 Lucifer, his best friend for almost fifteen years and the one person he never thought he could live without, was dead. Overdose, the voice on the phone said, even though Sam barely understood it - those words he would never forget. ‘He finally took too much, a textbook overdose if I ever saw one.’. Those were the exact words and while they were running wild in his head, Sam even remembered where he had heard the name before. Michael was Lucifer’s brother, he had told him about his brothers a few years ago, with Michael being the one who was studying medicine in New York.

 Sam couldn’t believe that what he heard was true, but as he cowered on the ground, unable to control his tears, he remembered the way Lucifer had looked when he had seen him the last time and everything slowly began to form a picture. All this time he had thought Lucifer was just exhausted from work, but everything had screamed drug abuse - from his appearance to just jumpy behavior and the forced cheerfulness - and Sam just didn’t see it. No one in their right mind would have missed all those signals and apparently no one did, only Sam.

 He was too focused on his own life that he didn’t realize what position Lucifer had been in. And now it was too late to do anything about it. Lucifer was dead and his last words had been that Sam had never cared for him, even though there was nothing else he had ever cared about as deeply as him. This moment, when Sam sat on the floor of his room and sobbed into his hands, he wished for nothing else but to switch places with Lucifer.

 This wasn’t how it was supposed to end, not at all. How was he supposed to go on, knowing that the only one whom he ever connected to and who understood him was gone? Images of Lucifer kept flashing into his mind - images of the pretty and handsome boy that always had a sarcastic comment on his lips and a cigarette behind his ear - and every single one of them was of his slumped body in some dirty corner; motionless and completely lifeless. The thoughts felt like knives stabbing into his heart and Sam had no way of stopping them. And if he was honest, he knew he deserved every bit of this pain. It was his fault that Lucifer was dead - if he would have tried harder, if he would have been more persistent, maybe Lucifer would be still alive. Now all that he could do was accept the emptiness and guilt that he knew he would never lose again.

 Sam had always known that he would be nothing without Lucifer and now that it had become a reality he was unable to cope with the utter devastation his loneliness brought. All the happiness he once had and all the hope he tried so hard to keep in his heart were shattered and he knew that he would never be able to pick up the pieces. If only he wouldn't have left. If only he would have stayed with his best friend, then none of this would have happened...

[eternalreviewrose]

Boku Dake ga Inai Machi--REVIEW

Title: Boku Dake ga Inai Machi (ERASED) Length: 12 episodes Premiered: Winter 2016 Production Studio: A-1 Pictures Rating: R/NC17+

Summary: Satoru Fujinuma is a normal (struggling) manga artist and pizza delivery man with an extraordinary ability he calls “Revival”. He jumps at most five minutes back in time whenever tragedy around him strikes, and do his his naturally good nature, does his best to prevent them! When someone dear to him is killed, he somehow jumps back fifteen years, back to his fifth year of elementary, which is when his classmate, the mysterious Kayo Hinazuki, was murdered. He decides to help change the future and make sure Kayo stays alive.

Due to spoilers, my !personal! review will be under the ‘keep reading’

This anime wasn’t bad. It has been on my to-watch list ever since its premiere, and thanks to my being in an anime club, I’ve finally gotten a chance to watch it. I thought I would pace myself with the twelve episodes, seeing as I had about three days to complete it, but ended up going through the whole six hours with minimal breaks.

Another worry was its studio, A-1 Pictures, which I’ve had negative experiences with. For some reason, the shows I’ve watched from A-1 either are poorly adapted from source material (an entire season of Kuroshitsuji with terrible original characters to back me up) or they take on horrible series from the get-go (Sword Art Online, I’m looking at you).

Now for the actual review:

Characters: 8/10 The characters were very well written, in my opinion. Because Satoru was thrown back in time fifteen years, it was perfectly alright for him to have his adult thoughts while in his eleven-year-old body. The classmates were written nicely, and Satoru’s mother was superb. Even his co-workers were fine. However I feel as though Yashiro, or the teacher, was written too obviously. I knew he was the killer from maybe his second appearance, but that’s only because I’m a veteran and I knew a teacher wouldn’t have a prominent role in a drama-mystery series about murders and kidnappers. Admittedly, there were times where I thought maybe Kayo’s mother committed Kayo’s murder, but that died down when I found out Hiromi was also a victim. Also, for a negative tick, Kenya was too much of a smartass for me, being as he is only eleven throughout most of the series. That kid simply knew too much.

Art: 7/10 One reason I dislike A-1 Pictures is because a lot of times their shows end up suffering from ‘same-face syndrome’, and I feel like that happened here in some cases. I had to remind myself time and time again that Kayo’s mother and Sachiko (Satoru’s mother) were two different characters because their faces looked identical. I also for a long time thought that Satoru’s boss was one of his childhood friends, only because they looked similar. As for backgrounds, because this is based off of real areas of Japan, the localizational art isn’t bad. It’s accurate, and moreso during the time skip to 1988. One of my favorite shots is the repeated camera rolls. I don’t know why, but it’s mesmerizing.

Sound: 8/10 I honestly didn’t know that Asian Kung-Fu Generation still made music, as I remember listening to “Rewrite” from Fullmetal Alchemist back in 2003, but this opening “Re:Re” was amazing. I tend to skip anime openings to get on with the story, but I couldn’t do it. I only watched/listened to the ending once, (this is worse to say since I can’t remember what it’s called) and that’s simply because I was engrossed with the plot. But I do remember that it was a very beautiful song. The OSTs did a phenomenal job capturing the suspense and melancholy this show produced. The voices were excellent, even if Satoru and Kayo’s purposeful monotone voices irked me at times.

Story/Pacing: 7/10 A time skip is going to be obvious when dealing with a character that can time travel, so I will be overlooking anything dealing with that. When Satoru is a child, the narrative literally gives you the dates which things happen: Satoru and Kayo’s birthday is on March 2nd, and throughout the show, that fact doesn’t change or becomes ambiguous. In fact, we’re reminded over and over again that X-Day, or Kayo’s original day of death, was the night before her birthday, or March 1st. Keeping track of the dates like this is a very good way to slow down the storytelling process and keep the audience interested. The same cannot be said at the end of the series, after Satoru’s fifteen-year coma. From what I’ve read, the story is split into two arcs: the first being the entirety of Satoru’s jumps back into his childhood, up to the point where it is absolutely sure that none of the three targeted children died, and then the post-coma arc. The latter of the two lasted maybe, what, three episodes at best? Satoru woke up from his coma, ran into Yashiro again, and then helped put Yashiro behind bars. It’s rushed beyond belief, and that’s probably why it gets a lot of negative reviews, because the ending just wasn’t as exciting as the first half of the series. One downfall from the narrative is Satoru’s “Revival”, which is never explained. We never learn how it came to be, why only he has it in this universe, or why he is suddenly unable to use it at the end of the series. I feel as though this is just a plot point stuck onto Satoru’s already blunt and boring character, to make him stand out. I haven’t read too far into the manga, therefor I have no idea if it explains it there, but knowing about this ability would have made me a little happier.

Entertainment: 9/10 I could not put my laptop away unless it was to use the bathroom. I was immersed in this series from start to finish, even if I was falling off the track at the end due to the drop in story quality. It’s a murder-mystery that keeps you at the edge of your seat in a different way from all the rest, mainly due to its time travel and having children be the main characters for most of the story.

Overall: 7/10, specifially, 7.8/10 I would not mind watching this again. It kept me at the edge of my seat, entertained beyond belief, and itching to know if I was right about Yashiro being the killer from the moment I thought it was him. I greatly recommend this series, it’s not the best out there, but it’s most certainly a must-watch.

[manggaetteokkie]

Random Writing #1

This is a completely random thing I wrote out. I just finished a drama and listening to the ending ost put me in a really angsty mood so here’s my word barf! I had nameless characters at first but then @ragific chose Yoonseok without knowing what she was getting into :^)

Warning: blood, off-screen violence and death. Very angst.

“All this time… you were the only one I’ve ever loved… I know I’m not-” Yoongi gasped as a wave of pain left him trembling. “I know I’m not the most affectionate… or forward with my feelings but please, believe me…” he choked as blood gurgled out of his mouth, leaving it a bloody mess.

“Shhh, I believe you, I believe you. Just-” Hoseok squeezed his eyes together in the hopes of chasing away the tears, even as he felt them escaping. “Don’t talk, the doctor will be here soon. He’ll patch you right up so hang in there until then, okay? Could you do that for me?” He tried injecting some cheerfulness into his voice, doing everything he can to ignore the gaping wound in Yoongi’s abdomen that was bleeding far too much, far too quickly.

He only got a bloody smile for his efforts.

“Go and find Namjoon after this. I know,” Half-lidded eyes searched for terrified ones, continuing only once they were looking back. “I know that he will take care of you well… just promise me,” Yoongi gasped out, suddenly overcome with emotion. “Remember me… Don’t- don’t forget me,” he begged weakly as tears started cascading down his face, the first sign of weakness he’d ever let Hoseok see.

The tearful plea made Hoseok realize that this was actually happening, that he was faced with the possibility of losing the man currently lying in his arms. He felt a sudden surge of fear that chased away all pretences of pretending that things were still alright.

“Please please please you can’t die, you can’t just leave me all by myself," Hoseok choked on a sob, unable to bear the mere thought of being left utterly alone. “Don’t you dare die, if you die, I’ll-” he searched wildly for an ultimatum. “I’ll, I’ll forget you! It’ll be like you never existed, I’ll live happily ever after! I’ll do just that so don’t you dare die on me!” he threatened tearfully, desperately clingy onto the shuddering body.

Yoongi smiled as he lifted his free arm slowly, weakly brushing away the tears coursing down Hoseok’s cheek before holding it with all the tenderness he could muster.

“You know what? Things might be… better that way…” Yoongi chuckled wetly, eyes suddenly soft as they gazed into Hoseok’s. He held his gaze for a few second before his eyes started closing.

Hoseok watched, horrified, as the hand that was on his face dropped. He could feel his heart breaking and suddenly, all the resistance left his body and all Hoseok could feel was despair and desperation.

“Nononono you can’t!” Hoseok sobbed harder, hugging the already unmoving body impossibly closer. “I forbid you from leaving me all alone, you promised that you’d come for me, I didn’t even uphold my part of the bargain yet, you can’t just do this to me! I’m a selfish person, you can’t just do this!” he screamed, already half delirious from the pain in his heart. “You said that this would be last thing before we could be together, you can’t just leave me like this!” he sobbed as he felt himself weakening from all the emotions. He buried his face in the crook of Yoongi’s neck, cradling his lover’s body with the energy he had left.

“You can’t just leave me like this… I haven’t even gotten the chance to tell you that I loved you back yet…” he whispered brokenly into Yoongi’s neck, fingers clenched around the latter lax arms as the regret threatened to rip his chest open. He could hear the sirens marking the arrival of the ambulances but things were too late and he knew it.