#even if theyre not together (anymore) he means alot to her

[apollo-ache]

i officially have the whole fic planned out so now i just need to write. im actually quite motivated so i might finish before the new year.

[thesimulacrasimp]

OMG THOSE EPS--- I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS I CANT---

HAZBIN HOTEL EP 7-8 SPOILERS WARNING‼️

Okay so Charlie actually didnt forget Vaggie for lying for that long, which is understandable, really.

So Charlie ACTUALLY MADE A DEAL WITH ALASTOR NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIMES VAGGIE TOLD HER NOT TO.

Rosie is really sweet lady, but im not really vibing her voice

But i really DO vibe the cannibals. They all have this cool aesthetic n i really love that!

Carmillas n Vaggies song was also really good!

Also when Vaggies wings SUDDENLY N OUT OF NOWHERE came out i was like: OKAAAAAYY... IM NOT SURE WHY BUT GO OFF IG!!

ALSO OMG THIS SONG WHERE CHARLIE IS TRYING TO BRING CANNIBALS ON HER SIDE WAS SO COOL, ESPECIALLY THE END PART THAT WAS IN DA TRAILER, ITS SO COOL JSHSBSJSJ

Also they so cute n silly, I love em

AND AWWW THEY ALL GOT ALONG N BECOME FRIENDS 😭😭😭😭 I JUST KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT EP N THIS MAKES IT LOOK SO SAD 😭😭😭😭😭😭

the 8th ep...

OMG VOX IS BACK HIIIIIII!!!!!!! I MISSED U SO MUCHHH

AWWW NIFTY DID THIS LIL THINGY FOR ALASTOR ITS SO CUTE

Also can we talk bout how Charlie n Vaggie FINALLY KISSED??? I CANT IMMA JUST----

Im really so glad that Alastor is actually protecting the hotel and all people in it, hes probably doing it just because he have no choice, but i really hope that he do care about Charlie n everyone else. Also their fighting outfits is really cool. AND THE ANIMATIONS WHEN HE TOOK HIS DEMON FORM WAS SOOOO COOL, IT WAS LIKE IN 3D (maybe it actually was in 3d idk-)

Okay yknow.. When Adam blasted (idk if thats a correct word for that) at Alastor n broke his michrophone and Als voice became so clear, like, without any radio effects, I actually thought that he lost all his abilities, cuz Adam is clearly stronger than Al, and i got so scared becuz that would mean that he wont be able to protect the hotel anymore and maybe even die... But it didnt happen so its all good!!

Also Vox watching this whole fight being so exited for Als death was kinda funny to watch.

Okay.... I dont wanna cry again so can i not talk about sir Pentious? Thank you. All i gotta say, I really happy he managed to confess his feelings to Cherri before he... yknow...

Also Charlie FINALLY TOOK HER FULL DEMON FORM. N I ACTUALLY WAS NOT EXPECTIN RAZZLE N DAZZLE TO BE A GIANT DRAGONS THAT WAS SO COOL without thinking that one of them died...

Also i immediatly thought that sparing Lute was a mistake. Guess what? IT WAS!! :DDDDDD

ALSO I THROUGH THIS WHOLE FIGHT WAS REALLY HOPING THAT LUCI WILL COME OUT N SLAUGHT ALL THOSE BITHES FOR GOOD. N HE DID!!! I LITERALLY, ALL IN TEARS AFTER SR PENTIOUS' DEATH, WAS SO HAPPY I WAS LIKE: FUCKING FUCK YESSS!!! KILL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! '!!'! '! ₽!! 3!&!& ALSO I ADORE THE FACT THAT EVEN IN A FIGHT HES SUCH A SILLY CUTIE PATOOTIE.

And we saw his demon form n its really cool!

ALSO I WAS SO ANGRY WHEN CHARLIE MADE LUCI SPARE ADAM LIKE-- PLS LUCI KILL HIM N LUTE, THEY CLEARLY DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. Also we saw Adams real face which is kinda cool.

ADN MY GIRL NIFFTY DID ALL THE JOB HERSELF, LIKE GOOD JOB GURL! I KHEW WE CAN COUNT ON U.

Okay, at 1st ep i was not sure bout Katies new voice, cuz it clearly was hearable that its a mans voice, but in this ep its actually working! I absolutely loved this: «Nobody gives a shit about you, Tom!» xd

Ok so.... Ill try not to scream... khem- THEYRE CANNON!!!! THEYRE!!! FUCKING!!! CANNON!!!!! IM SO HAPPY U CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! I FUCKING KHEW THAT THEYLL BE CANNON, IM A FUCKING GENIUS IDC. IK THERE WILL BE SOME PPL THAT WILL BE LIKE: "nOoO tHeY rE nOt cAnNoN iTs pRoBaBlY mIsAnDerStOoDinG....." YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. THEY ARE CANNON, I DONT GIVE A SHIT!!!! FUCK U IF U THINK THEYRE NOT TOGETHER

JUST LOOK AT THEM THEYRE SO CUTE AAAAAA

Also this last part of the song with Alastor was so strange. Yk english is not my first language so i probably missed alot what he said in that, but i clearly remember that he said something bout his wings n i was like WHAAAAT????? I know i probably just heard it wrong, cuz HE JUST CANT BE AN ANGEL RIGHT?... RIGHT??? He also said smt bout his freedom, so yeah, I think the wings was just a metaphor. But overall he looked really scared for some reason, which is actually so weird. Its so weird to see Alastor actually being scared..

ALSO WE FINALLY SAW LILITH, but sadly didnt hear her voice. N what is weird, it looked like she was on sorta vacathion, and Lute talked with her bout Adam being Killed AND THATS SO WEIRD AHHH I CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IS HER ROLE IN ALL HERE!!

ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT CHARLIE WAS RIGHT?? SINNERS CAN BE REDEEMED. CUZ PENTIOUS APPEARED IN HEAVEN AFTER HIS DEATH (n im really-really happy for him actually, im so glad that he didnt dissapear from the show, cuz he actually was my fav character in the pilot)

aoisjdjdjndndnns i cant wait for season 2!!!! Ig that the main antogonists in this season will finally be VEES?? OHHH IM SO EXITEDDDD

My review/thoughts on eps 1-2

My review/thoughts on eps 3-4

My review/thoughts on eps 5-6

[exocynraku]

hmmm i saw a post from someone recently about them wanting the 4 prophecy cats to be from different clans (i think they were talking about lion jay holly and dove) so i thought id make a little thing for that

jay & holly are still born to leaf and crow, but crow takes holly to windclan and leaf keeps jay. crow convinces nightcloud to raise holly as her kit and she reluctantly agrees. jays story is pretty much the same lol. holly has a hard time fitting in to windclan cuz of her fur colour & thickness so she has some trouble finishing her apprenticeship. during this time, squilf & jay are attacked by ashfur after the forest gets lit on fire. squilf says jays not her kit and that hes actually leaf and crows kit, but she doesnt tell ash about holly. before the next gathering, jay finds ash at the lake (i think it was the lake? was it a river? whatever) and kills him. then, at the next gathering he announces what holly did canonically, BUT! someone puts the pieces together. breezepelt, who knew that holly might not have been nightclouds real kit, realizes he’s right, and that shes probably leaf and crows kit too!!!! crow confirms this, which only causes more problems. breeze & holly now hate crow for lying, and team up with nightcloud to yell at him lol. holly has a hard time fitting into windclan even MORE now that shes found out shes half thunderclan. jay also has alot of trouble doing his med cat duties, because it means he has to be near leafpool, who he’s rlly uncomfortable with.

lion is born to russetfur, of shadowclan. his story is about his identity as the son of a former rouge (fun fact russetfur used to be a rouge named red). he doesnt know this at first because russet doesnt tell him. during the time he doesnt know, he’s got a pretty big ego cuz omggg im the son of the deputy!!!! awesoem. until he finds out russet used to be a rouge and now hes like. omg im… the son of a rouge? who is now deputy?!?? he kinda freaks out about it for a while until shadowclan (all of them) explain ya russetfur was a rouge but shes proved herself as a good deputy & clanmate and now hes chill …… until he discovers his powers. the first time he found out and WHY he found out is because he accidentally killed russetfur during a training session. hes totally spiralled into depression now and questions his identity even more cuz hes now 1: the son of a rouge 2: the son of the (former) deputy AND 3: a murderer

dove and ivy are born in riverclan, born to dawnflower alongside minnowtail. (tumblekit and pebblefoot dont exist anymore LOL) dove & ivys story are like the exact same except theyre in riverclan now lol. ivy gets shoved into the df because hawkfrost convices her (which honestly makes more sense now cuz shes riverclan), and guess who she sees there? breezepelt….. and hollyleaf. (and all the other df trainees) holly and ivy get along well, and train alongside eachother. dove finds out she has powers, and befriends willowpaw. willowpaw discovers that there are other cats who have powers, and takes dove to meet jay, and then later on lion. they get their prophecy (its not the kin of ur kin one anymore tho its a new one) and meet at the gathering island whenever they can

everything is the same up until ivy finds out the df’s true plans, and tries to convince holly to stop going to the df. holly refuses, not believing what ivys saying, and wanting to say with breeze. ivy runs away, and tells dove the truth. dove then goes and tells lion & jay. jay goes and tells firestar, who tells the rest of the clans, who then start planning for the df’s attack

everything is the same until the battle, where ivy gets in a confrontation with holly. ivy shows holly whats going on, and she FINALLY realizes whats going on, and joins the side of the clans. she’s also able to convince the majority of the other windclan df trainees to join the clans…. except breezepelt. holly and breeze get into a fight, and holly brutally injures breeze, killing him, and sending him into the dark forest

after the battle is over, the clans have won. holly meets leafpool and jay, and helps crow and leaf become friends again. night breaks up with crow, and moves on, starting a new life with someone else. lion is able to overcome his identity struggles, and becoming a wonderful warrior. blackstar offered him the spot as deputy, but he refused, still not feeling he deserved it after what he did to russetfur

the 3 lose their powers, and ivy and dove repair their relationship, holly, leaf, jay and crow try their best to get along, and dove starts seeing tigerheart. avos happens, dove & tiger leave and come back with kits, dove moves to shadowclan, aaand thats it! this got way too long but. whatever

[fleshblueberry]

Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored

Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality

I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-

When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)

Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.

now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-

Jam out!

... I don't even know what to say to this

[char-lotteral]

Look I'm not one of those people who believe Kishimoto decided to have Hinata and Naruto end up in the middle part of Shippuden. I believe he decided in the very last arc but he wanted to sound smart so he said he decided earlier on. Otherwise, they obviously would have more scene together. In Shippuden, they have only three scenes together ; when Naruto came back, the pain attack and the neji death scene. That's it. In the original Naruto, they probably have less than ten canon scenes not including fillers.

So I'm sorry I'm one of those who wasn't convinced by The Last. They literally had a basic villain go after Hinata who was cringe btw (the villain). They gave Hinata op powers which she doesn't have in the novel 👀. Despite having op powers, they made her the damsel in distress. Very "The hero saves the princess" cliche. Again, to justify them being together. I mean Naruto can't differentiate his love for ramen and romantic love so how??? He was just being nice to Hinata just like he does to everyone. He stood up for her just like he does for everyone.

Don't get me started on the Sakura Sasuke relationship 🤣. Cringe. They never knew each other. The whole Sakura's love for Sasuke saved him doesn't make sense. They spent barely a year in their genin year before sasuke left. Sasuke tried to kill Naruto and Sakura multiple times. Then at the end of the war, Kishimoto tried to do the "oh they have such a deep understanding between each other" which comes off as cringey. He gets her pregnant then leaves for years. She's literally a single mom who's broke.

Every relationship in Naruto is so cringey and forced except shikatemari. Kishimoto should've focused on the main story and fixed his potholes and leave the ending open.

Naruto would not have been perfect but at least it would've been remembered for staying true to its vision but instead it's remembered for cringey relationships, dumbass villain (except pain and madara) and a story that lost its core which is a shame coz I used to love Naruto. I was inspired by its messages but now....

OKAY LOL WAIT I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS LONG ASS RANT PREPARED XD

BUT FIRST Ive read what you said and I lowkey agree :p

HOWEVER

I DRAW THE LINE AT TONERI SLANDER. BECAUSE WHY

TONERI?? CRINGE?? THIS SEXY MOTHERFUCKER??

LOOK AT HIS WHITE FLUFFY HAIR AND HIS CERULEAN BLUE ORBS STARING DEEPLY INTO YOUR SOUL

SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW?!#*@*#&@*

okay lol now for the juicy part click readmore and beware I shall be brutally honest so yea enjoy

I mean, Naruto in general is a mess, not just the ships if we're being realistic. Alot of plotholes, rushed endings, this and that, the w a r a r c, Kaguya, the way they rushed Boruto ehhh. Honestly, getting into Naruto is literally my biggest regret of 2020 :"DD

Im an NH shipper as you can tell by my hotmess of a blog but i fully respect your opinion and understand your point of view. I also know a bunch of nh stans who have their complaints with their development. I wish Kishi gave more attention to his female cast really, thats all I fucking ask. If he did that one single basic thing, then maybe the endgame relationships wouldnt have been an asspull and theyd be given propper screentime with their love interest, both Sakura and Hinata. The Last tbh i think the writers played it safe and stuck to the whole Naruto shounen vibe thingy, so im not surprised it was plotted that way. Typical cliché shounen movie.

But does that bother me? No! The Last was a mess, their development was shit, they definitely needed more screentime but hey at the end of the day theyre cute as fuck, we have that kiss scene, flirting scenes, a shit ton of official art, three kids, Seiki's gif :33 and a whole ass arc for their wedding all that for just a shounen anime so eh. Compensates for it i guess xD theyre not toxic, unhealthy or whatnot. Theyre wholesome, soft and vanilla as fuck and exactly what i need in my hectic life rn. No drama, just two kind souls who are adorable as heck and theyre dynamic means so much to me and I will love them until i shall leave this earth.

Anon, im not even gonna waste my time and defend their development because i think it sucked too xD but if you wanna know why i love them so so so soooo much, Id be more than willing to tell you :33

Sasuke and Sakura on the other hand eeeehhhh i can see why people like them. Sasuke's hot, he's your typical hot bad boy aad Sakura's hot and pretty too. Basic blue and pink trope. Aside from their canon interactions, fans have all the opportunity to play around with their dynamic but for me, its just sooo basic and so hetero and can easily appeal to any 16 yr old teenage girl, no wonder it has an active fanbase on twt and---- AM I MAKING ANY SENSE? AHDBAJJE LIKE ITS SO-- BASIC, your usual bad boy x pretty girl trope that you get to read in YA and coming of age novels. Not only that, but going back to canon, they have too many negative interactions for me to like them together :p The least Sakura can do is put down her own foot and yell at him for not contacting them for god knows how long. I also dont like how he always gets easily forgiven >=[[. I mean at least He's compensating as a dad good for him but ehhhh i still dont like him and Sakura together :v And im not falling for that "Sakura is the reason why Sasuke isnt lonely anymore" because thats NARUTO AHHH. Sasuke said that Multiple times. HE LIGHTS A FIRE INSIDE OF ME. HES MY SUN. MY ONE AND ONLY FRIEND. LIEK?? THATS NARUTOOO romantic or not, Naruto was the reason for his not so lonely existence anymore smh >=[[

Sasuke almost murdered her and Naruto and made their lives a living hell but hey its all good!! He's my best friend and Sakura loves him!! So set him freeee into the worldddd~~

Sasuke left his family without even simply contacting them but can easily contact Naruto through a hawk but hey thats fine! His and Sakura's feelings are connected afterall! Sasuke gave her a ring and said thank you! Who cares about leaving your family. She loves him and he loves her so yey!!! All is forgiven :D

DID I MENTION SASUKE ALMOST MUREDERED HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND HE WASNT CALLED OUT FOR THAT@*#&@??!?#,*@#,#

Sasuke gets too many life points this isnt fair >=[[ But tbh he's nerfed so bad in Boruto manga and anime power wise. Like in that time travel arc and the manga. The rinnegan kunai thing was still so funny to me even if it was Borushiki. I just idk its so funny to me lmaoo

OKAY WHAT ELSE. I dont even know any more. Im tired of complaining about Naruto and just when Ive finally gone a little bit away from Naruto, Hinata fucking pulls me in again 😩 she has me on chokehold pls send help. Watch castlevania!!! and one piece!!!! ten times better than this anime about a loud blonde boi who wants to be president. Trust me

overall, i dont fully agree but i lowkey agree i guess. I do respect your opinion tho :))

EXCEPT WHEN YOU CALLED TONERI CRINGE. HOW DARE YOU CALL THAT SEXY MF CRINGEY---

[aquariusshadow]

Live!Blogging Legacies 3x13

So my lovely server platform I use to watch these eps didn't have the latest Legacies ep until earlier this evening...so this live!blog is later than usual ehehe my bad.

Ok my main thing I'll be focusing on is Handon because now that real!Landon is back (maybe) I'm curious on how the Handon development will actually be since the last few episodes weren't real!Landon and Hope ehehe

Lessss go --

i was really trying to forget hope and landon having sex and him turning into mud after o.O

this is a cleo stan account and i refuse to believe shes the villain

oh kaleb...first mg's gone..now cleo? this poor soul

hi landon bby you okay?

i hope they handle landon's ptsd properly

josie's hair looks so cute what

help

ik she wears her hair like that alot but for some reason it just really suits her in this ep?

i don't blame finch for being incredibly overwhelmed

awwww josie's being her tour guide--i love some good ship parallels

hope's hair is beautiful here too

hope honey you're doing such a good job rn

she's being so careful, but still honest

cmon cleo backstory cleo backstory

OMG ARE WE ACTUALLY SEEING HER BACKSTORY

YES FINALLY

this better be good

idk why i find kaleb just casually sitting and watching this so amusing (in a good way, im into this rn hehe)

is taking landon to a school the best idea rn? i would imagine this would be overstimulating for him

oh and the flashbacks...

oh god no

who are you

landon doesn't need extra crap rn

poor cleo :/ that really got sprung on her so fast...so young too

kaleb you're so sweet ahaha

oh of courseahlsfjlhfdasljfdh

"Malivore?! That bitch is everywhere!" Kaleb is the voice of the fandom lmfaooooo

cleo honey noooo

youre just a smol bean

yep see thats why landon didn't need this crap rn

even tho alaric technically has some sort of logic in this i just....dont care about his character anymore ahaha

ok leaving finch alone rn is not the best idea????

hmmm maybe she and the other wolves will actually try and get along? idk

"this is how i learned to make friends" man my heart :/

ok that frog is adorable

is there a catch...?

noooooo froggy noooooo

that is so traumatic good lord

(also i really like the josie/cleo dynamic)

the arms....

"never make a deal with the bad guy" ahjsdflsdf josie

wow they actually made the malivore plotline interesting again

yeah josie you stand up to alaric

at least its not landon needing to die for the millionth time

man cant hope just catch a break

ok seeing handon fight together is really cool

yea you guys do make a good team <3

wait so hope being a true tribrid is how malivore dies

iiiiiiiiiinteresting

wait wait wait

klaus was already a vampire, like dead and vampire, yet he was able to have hope

so

what is alaric going on about? she should be able to have kids anyway BECAUSE she is part wolf and witch

............

am i crazy???

am i wrong here???

is my tvdu knowledge scuff?

man cleo is really becoming one of my favorite characters

cmon cleo stay

ayeeeeeeeeee finch is fitting in with the wolves good good

ooo i like the finch/jed friendship here that has potential to be a good dynamic in the future :D

yesssssss call her your girlfriend josie

okay this is really cute their kiss was adorable

did hope and cleo really have that convo off screen??? fine ok

wow...they're actually addressing my concerns with handon, especially since it was the gollum instead of real landon

seeing hope cry breaks my heart

nooooooo landon dont go

awww cleo left too

hmmm does this mean landon and cleo are gonna meet up or something?

yesssssssssss i was right

this is going to be interesting

both of them love hope so much theyre willing to team up and find another alternative

--

Cleo backstory. I repeat. Cleo backstory. Landon and Cleo going on a road trip thing to find another way to kill Malivore to protect Hope??? I sense a new OT3 on the horizon...

I love how consistently good these episodes have been!

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[pogaytosalad]

Heres a wip of a sequel.

Dmviolence, by jade

Hello, if youre hearing this, it probably means im dead. Either that, or im alive and just got tired of keeping this hidden. You might remember my voice from a previous recording about a takeover in sector ⬽:➻, in which id helped prevent total annihilation of the sector. At the time i was unnamed, however now you may call me Kalton. After the takeover i resigned and moved to a job at a dmv. This planet was, for some reason, in one of the most tactically advantageous locations in the galaxy. And for some reason the higher ups dedicated the whole damn planet to dmvs. Dont ask why. Now, onto the story.

I woke up, and i put on my emerald green contact lenses. Just like any other day. I put on a basic white t-shirt and a leather bomber jacket along with a pair of jean shorts. If you cant tell by now, im gay.

I live in a small apartment. By small apartment i mean a bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen all crammed into 2 rooms. I hopped out the bedroom window onto my motorcycle. It was a diamond white motorcycle with deep red stripes along the sides and the handlebars. My pride and joy. I put on my jet black helmet and took off towards my job at the, you guessed it, dmv.

Chapter 2

I pulled up in the parking lot and took off my helmet, my blue hair a total rats nest. The doors were push doors, yet i somehow ALWAYS pulled first. I entered the dmv and went to my station. A few hours passed by and no one had come in yet, which was unusual. So naturally i decided to sit down on the floor, put in my earbuds, and enjoyed some heavy metal. A few more hours passed by, and usually by now i wouldve been yelled at by my boss. This struck me as odd so i stood up. I really wish i hadnt stood up. The place had been completely destroyed. There were drop pods crashed in through the roof and they all had the ERGON logo on them. Ergon was a multi trillion dollar pencil manufacturing company with its own military. They had previously tried to take over sector ⬽:➻ when i had been working there. I was not looking forwards to what was about to happen.

Quickly, i ducked back onto the floor before anyone saw me. There were 4 riot soldiers holding this building. This was gonna be fun. The riot soldiers are your stereotypical riot gear and police baton soldiers. But these guys had laser batons and the riot gear gave them heightened strength and speed. They also had some, dare I say, shitty energy pistols. I crawled over to one of the soldiers who wasnt being watched and broke their neck. Carefully I took the baton and the pistol. Slowly crawled my way back to my station and checked the shot count in the pistol. I had 6 shots, just enough to take care of the remaining three soldiers. I stood up quickly and shot each soldier twice in the head. First shot to open the riot helmet, second shot to kill. I vaulted over the counter and grabbed the three pistols. These things were so stupid. You couldnt even remove the clips. Once you ran out of shots, the pistol was useless. Nonetheless, i didnt have any choice. I had a laser baton and 18 total shots in 3 pistols.

Upon leaving the building, my motorcycle was one of the few things to survive. It had alot of scratches and damage, but it still worked. The helmet was shattered however. I mounted the motorcycle and took off towards the next closest dmv. Maybe id find some better gear there.

Chapter 3

Pulling up next to the second dmv i immediately noticed 3 things. 1: there was blood everywhere. 2: there were 25 soldiers here. And 3: they all had energy weapons. The reason these things are relevant is because energy weapons dont cause bloodshed. This was the result of something else. Something new i hadnt dealt with yet.

I drove up and ran over 5 of the soldiers. This was probably an incredibly bad idea, seeing as i had 18 shots, enough for 9 kills, and there were 20 soldiers left. Every single soldier turned to me and i, being the absolute genius that i am, welded the front of one of the pistols shut with the laser baton, shot it off, and threw it into thei crowd of soldiers. It exploded, releasing a shockwave of energy and disabling the soldiers. I then used the baton to cut through the riot gear and kill the soldiers. I felt like a badass. That is until a mechanical looking wolf jumped at me and started trying to rip my face off.

The wolf was a frostwolf, except it had been placed into a mechanical frame and its teeth and claws had been replaced with lasers. I tried to bash it off of me with the baton but it just bit it in two. This gave me just enough time to grab an energy pistol and shoot the wolf. It kept trying to kill me amd i wasted a whole clip on it until suddenly, the dog started to levitate in the air and got thrown aside into a wall. I got up and was instantly frozen in place. Thats when.. she walked up.

Chapter 4

The she i am reffering to is ebony. A goth/punk wannabe with light blue tear shaped eyes and black hair with purple streaks. Shes a bitch whos mind got too powerful and now she can move things without touching them. Shes been chasing me for months. Not in a murderous way. Shes just obsessed with me. Ive tried to tell her im gay but she wont listen. And now im at her mercy.

She walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek. I hated it. She looked as if she was contemplating whether or not to free me when a pod came down from the sky and crushed her. Thank god. But i honestly wouldve rathered suffered at her hand than deal with what i had to deal with next...

Out of the pod came the warden. The goddamn warden from sector ⬽:➻. Last id seen him hed been in the same situation as ebony. Crushed to death under a pod. But this time, instead of being on my side, he was here to kill me. He was huge. Like seriously huge. He was at least 8 feet tall and shaped like gaston. Whos gaston? Nobody knows these days. But its basically a way to say "extremely buff and wide". Back to the story. The warden wasnt looking very good, considering the rotten skin, obviously quickly patched together face, and muscles hanging loose out of his skin. His rotting ruined body was held together by an exoskeleton of chromium-tungsten alloy. Nothing i had was gonna cut through that. I was gonna have to get creative here..

The warden had 2 weapons, both of them were his fists. Huge gauntlets that were each about the size of a cow. Definitely bigger than his previous set. They were a golden green metal i couldnt identify. But i didnt want to get hit with one to try and find out. I ran. I ran as fast i could run into the dmv and hid. I could hear the wardens footsteps. It was as if a small earthquake happened each time he took a step.

I peeked over the desk i was hiding behind and saw him punch through the 2 desks opposite to me. It took no effort and i couldve sworn i saw him smile. Obviously i didnt. Cause he didnt have a mouth anymore. But if he did, he definitely wouldve smiled. I took a shot to get his attention and ran off towards the wall. The warden was definitely faster than i expected.

Luckily i managed to dodge the blow by a centimeter. The metal smelled of decaying flesh and popcorn. The wardens blow punched a huge hole in the wall. I hope you see where im going with this.

I ran off to another wall and we repeated this same process a number of times until the building was barely still up. I ran out the doors and threw the baton at the last of the supports, cutting through it and causing the building to collapse in on the warden. He wasnt getting out of that. I decided to search the rubble to see if i could find anything worth taking. I found a new baton, a flame rifle and a few more energy pistols.

The flame rifle was a very interesting design. The sides were painted jet black with flame decals scattered about. You could feel the heat on the inside and it made the gun warm to the touch. Comfortable to hold. Other than that though, it looked like an old fashioned 8.59mm sniper rifle. It had 4 shots remaining, so id have to use it sparingly.

I grabbed some scrap materials out of the rubble to make a holster for it and put it on my back.

The energy pistols just dangled from a keychain. The baton was simply turned off and placed through a hole in the back pockets of my shorts. I ran to my motorcycle and drove off, i needed to find out more. I had questions, and i had a sneaking suspicion that i knew where to find the answers.

I drove off again, i was dirty and there was blood on me and my bike. I probably looked like a serial killer. But i knew that if anyone was still alive, itd be jayden. They were.. well. They were a vampire. They lived in a swampland area and wore sparkly rainbow shirts and a huge sunhat. The sunhat allowed them to go outside in the sun, and they only drank coconut water. They also had a crazy amount of weaponry and used to work at ergon, before being fired for stealing weaponry. By the way, if you havent noticed by now, im using they/them to refer to jayden. Jayden doesnt have a gender. Jayden.. is kind of my crush. It probably has something to do with the fact that theyre the only person on this planet who talks to me. Other than ebony.. but ebony is... not my type i guess. Anyways, back to jayden. Jayden was on the roof of their swamp shack drinking coconut water out of a wine glass. I yelled up at them and they fell off the roof onto my back. I guess i cushioned their fall. Jayden immediately said "What do you need dear" without waiting for me to stand up, and shattered the wine glass. I informed them of the situation and asked the questions i had. Things like "what are the ergon soldiers defences like on their ships" and "how did they reanimate the warden" they had answers.

Jayden told me about the new security measures that had been put in place since id last been on an ergon ship. There was now a code for each teleportation pod and the gaurds had doubled. As for the warden, it turns out jayden was actually the first test run in reanimation sciences, and couldnt answer me because they had been unconcious in a lab when the warden was reanimated. That explained the vampire undead thing. Jayden invited me into the shack where they pulled a nail out of the floorboards and it turned into a ramp to the basement. Down in the basement? Thats where jayden kept their weapons they stole. And boy oh boy were there some interesting ones.

One that immediately caught my attention was the big rocket launcher. It had 3 barrels and each was a different colour, indicating a different effect. One was red, one was yellow, and one was green. The red barrel fired a normal explosive rocket, the yellow barrel fired an electromagnetic pulse rocket, and the green barrel fired an acidic explosive. And the launcher shrunk down to the size of an energy pistol when a button was pressed. It gathered up dirt and dust and garbage around it from the back to quickly convert into ammo but the only downside is that it would be difficult to use more than once in an area.

Jayden picked out an old shotgun. At first i didnt understand why, but then they loaded the clip. The clip was a huge drum that loaded in the bottom of the barrel. The drum was see through and inside you could see sawblades lined up side by side. When they pumped the shotgun a blade got lifted into a slot between the 2 shotgun barrels and started glowing red. When the trigger was pulled, the blade spun at high speeds and fired out of the slot, spinning along the ground like a wheel. It could cut through anything a baton could cut through and seemed to almost follow its target. The gun itself looked like an DP-12, except behind the pump, a large clear drum full of sawblades was in place. The blade sat between the barrels in place of the iron sights and got heated up by an electrical circut.

I also took a laser sword instead of my baton, it was just like the one that [3825968] had, except this one was about an inch longer. The final weapon i took was an acid thrower. It was basically just a watergun with acid in it. Ive always been partial to acidic weapons. If youve heard my other story, youd know why..

Jayden also took a submachine gun that fired freezing rounds. The rounds were essentially glorified waterballoons with liquid nitrogen in them. Though the rounds were bullet sized, enough shots from it would certainly freeze you in place. The freeze gun was about the size of the average human head, and was painted navy blue with blue saphire stripes placed along it. We both left the shack, me with my sword and jayden with a wine glass. We were ready to kick ass and put a stop to this.

We left and immediately both got flung into some trees. Guess who it was. It was ebony. Her body had been found and reanimated. I was starting to see a pattern. And now we had to fight the telekinetic who could kill us with a wave of her hand.

She was levitating. Her eyes were glowing red and her hair was floating in the air. She had a smile of someone about to rip your arms off and beat you with them. I tried to take a shot at her but my hand got knocked aside by an invisible force. So i tried the next best thing. Seduction. Fake seduction. Hopefully the whole dying and coming back from the dead thing didnt make her stop being weirdly obsessed with me.

While i faked surrender and complimented ebony and attempted to seduce her, jayden took aim of their ice gun and shot a burst at ebonys right arm. The arm froze in place and shattered. Hopefully that would lower the strength of her telekinetic abilities. It did. But only by about half. Which meant jayden got thrown into the air as i tried to discreetly unholster my acid gun. It wasnt discreet enough and the gun was knocked from my hand.

The gun flew forwards and the impact of hitting the ground set it off for a second, just enough to spray an acidic burn through her arm. Incapacitating her. Jayden ended up sneaking up behind her and impaling her through the skull with the shattered end of their wine glass. Finally ebony was dead for good.

The acid gun was busted, so we had to leave it behind. We got onto my motorcycle and took off towards my apartment building. We would need food if we were going to be traveling. An apartment complex would probably be full of foods, and alot of dead people who wouldnt care if we took some stuff.

[msragdoll]

Personal stuff (TW death)

So today I went to a get together for my cousin Nick who was killed in May. I say get together because it wasn't really a funeral or service. More of a 'lets gather at Nick's favorite restaurant and be together for his memory."

And, I've got so many emotions about everything. And so I'm just gonna type it all out here and throw it into the wind so I feel heard...

I'm so mad at myself right now. I feel guilty. The last time I talked to my cousin was in 2019. I walked into the pawn shop that he (basically) owned and asked for advice on how to track down some things that were stolen from @r-ochoa . He told me he'd keep an eye out at his shop and the other one nearby and told me to check out sites like 'Let Go' but in different zip codes and counties nearby. And that was the last time I saw him.

Previous to that, maybe by a year? I saw him at his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. I hadn't even known it was happening until my mom called me and told me I should come and that an old family friend was there that I hadn't seen since I was 11 was there too. I rushed over, moreso happy to see the old friend. While I spent most of my time talking with that friend Nick made a point to hang out with us and talk too. The whole evening was about him and his soon to be bride but he made a point to join in with our catch up, spend time with my daughter and share in our time.

I didn't go to his wedding the next day...I hadn't gotten an invitation (I found out alot of people didn't, it wasn't that formal) and I'm so mad that I didn't ask him that night if I could come...

I'm mad that I never took a moment to tell him that he was the one out of two cousins I had that didn't treat me like garbage. The second cousin got frustated alot with me as a kid though, where Nick was always patient. Growing up I had 5 cousins. 4 boys; the only girl being the oldest so we never really hung out unless she was babysitting, but that rarely happened. I was the youngest. One of the boys (that 2nd cousin) was from a different part of the family so hanging out with him was usually just the two of us.

That left Nick and the two other cousins and those 3 plus me often hung out together. The other 2 cousins teamed up alot and would pick on me. They'd take my favorite stuffed animal that I insisted on treating gently and kindly and throw him up and down the stairs and push me away when Id try to get him back. Or they'd play hide and seek and ditch me. Sometimes they'd put me in dangerous situations that as a 7 year old I didn't realize how dangerous they were. They'd even steal things from me or break my things. And I wanna say I have no hatred towards my cousins for these things, as an adult I understand that kids do fucked up things, especially when they don't know how to process what theyre feeling.

But Nick. Nick never did any of those things. In fact if he was there, he'd intervene. He got my stuffed animal back for me. He'd come find me if he realized I had been ditched or put somewhere dangerous. He never took things from me, and would actually give me random things he thought I'd like from his own stuff.

Maybe it was because both of us had influences in our lives that encouraged kindness, where as the other 2 cousins didn't. Whatever it was, Nick was always there. I remember going to his grandma's house, with his sister (his sister had a different dad so I didn't see her as often as I saw Nick) and the three of us would always have a blast.

In fact, it was Nick who helped me get over my fear of motorcycles. Nick's dad, my uncle, had taken us out on bikes and I was on the back of my uncle's ATV. My leg kept getting sucked into the wheel and it hurt so bad. I kept crying and asking my uncle if we could go home, that I was hurt. But we didn't go home until later. I don't know if Nick had seen what was happening. Later on, at Nick's grandma's house (she had a HUGE property that had a track on the grounds) he asked if his sister and I would like to ride on the back of his quad and take a few laps and jumps. His sister was all for it but I was so scared. I didn't want my leg to get hurt again. I didn't want to fall off the back going off jumps either.

But he told me not to worry, he would take it slow and only go as fast as I told him. So I got on. When we got to the first jump on his track he stopped and asked if I wanted to stay on the ground, go in the air or go really high. I told him just to start out on the ground...and he listened when I asked him to take it slow. Not to go too high in the air. And by the end of it all he had built up so much confidence in me thay I had asked him to take those jumps higher and higher. I wasn't afraid anymore because he didn't throw me into a situation I had no control over....in fact... thinking about it... I think this was the first time in my life where I was allowed control over a situation....that I wasn't just plopped into something because the grown ups wanted to do it and I had to just accept it and deal with no say.

(TW: Menstruation) Nick was also there when I got my first period. He was probably a teenager by then but he didn't get weirded or grossed out. We were all having a campout sleepover at his grandma's house before his sister was moving away and I can remember the girls she had invited being kind of weirded out and me trying to hide it. I remember just kind of sitting away from them feeling gross and Nick being like "yeah, my mom told me what's going on. Mind if I sit with you and just hang out?" And so we did.

There's so many other memories I have him him, all of them good. I can't remember a single time where he was mean to me or frustrated with me. He never told me to leave him alone or to go away. If I was afraid or worried about something he never made fun of me or brushed it off. He took the time to show me how it'd be okay. I remember my mom freaking out that I was going to have this specific teacher she had growing up who was a total hard ass and Nick reassuring me that Mr. Roach was one of the kindest, coolest teachers at our school and was not the same man he was however many years ago. And Nick was right, Mr. Roach was the best teacher I ever had.

And I never told him how much it all meant to me. How his kindness always shown so bright to me, especially after losing my dad. I feel like all the fucked up cousin shit happened as soon as my dad died, especially cause he wasn't there to intervene anymore. (My dad didn't really like that side of the family so when they were around he was pretty vigilant about how they behaved) but Nick was always kind and friendly. I never felt like a burden, or 'just a girl' or annoying or all that general 'youngest one nobody likes' vibes.

And I never told him that it meant so much to me. And now I can't. And I hurt because I can't tell him and I also hurt because I feel like I shouldnt feel as sad as I do because as we grew up and my mom married and moved us away and we grew apart. I saw him less and less. The tight bond we had growing up faded as we aged and wasn't maintained. Sure everytime we saw each other we always fell back into that bond, but those times became so few and far between...and...how can I be so sad when I hadn't seen him for over 2 years? I didn't even know his wife outside of her name.

And I know that feeling that 'undeserving of feeling sad' is super irrational. But I just...I can't seem to turn it off. And it couples with the guilt and anger of never telling him how he was such a beacon of kindness growing up and how as an adult I realize how important that was for me as a child to have.

I have so many emotions about him dying right now and I've kept it all mostly to myself. But it's mostly regret and frustration at myself...I'm hurting for sure right now...

[yuissamidare]

@codes i think i may have put this on my artblog but... Here

i guess ill start w ichi bc i always forget about him somehow like i always come up short when im making lists and im like 'oh wait shit yeah that guy’ bc im stupid n i only think of fishing trio + choro. I’m an Idiot. idk i never thought too hard on ichi bc i so rarely think about him but he looks so high its really funny i said this on main but he looks like my friend when he decided to try a weed gummy bear then started babbling about hentai then watched to watch porn with me but got mad all the intro scenes are a billion years long and started ranting about the industry but now that i think about it he looks like someone who used to send me weird shit when he was high like bad pick up lines about body parts i wish i didnt have

and thats so funny that its Ichimatsu who looks like that but also proof that hes high. but anyway!! hes really cute and im mad hes boutta ruin my reputation for my complete and utter lack of care and interest in him no matter what im mad. my friend gwyn said 'Sp lubing us up for the fuckening that is the reason why Ichi is sad in present day’ im really curious at the change like if hes trying a fake it till you make it type thing bc really emotionally exhausted or if hes just genuinely having a good time or hes puttin on a front since like. nails who stand get hammered down right??? just gotta do your best n Never Relax n i can relate to all that. but uhhh old hcs i guess

in kun ichi was the most serious! really smart but just as bad w school as the rest of them apparently but!! yeah so id think that!! ichis that guy who participates in class discussion constantly and is always willing to debate the readings, but turns in sloppy papers with typos and no a coherency or stucture or anything. he’s A+ in participation but has an average of 60% on most of the written assignments with points knocked bc of lateness then more bc its A Mess. you could ask about the prompts for one of his papers, he could babble about his position on it complete with paragraphs and footnotes but like the day before its due hes playing rpgs and watching horror movies.

his classmates think hes so smart n so intimidating. the family knows hes a hot mess. the teachers tell him he has a lot of potential but they don’t think hes applying himself. all are right. also he doesnt cheat or let people cheat off of him since hes always been about rules and boundaries and Rightness n he n jyushi were the only ones who Minded Themselves in kun

uhh jyushi!! let me talk about schoolwork again bc yeah i love jyushi so so so so much and thinking of him in a school environment is so weird i thought about it a lot n i thought about it him in kun n san and Woah!! i really really love delinquent jyushi, bc when i saw that i was like 'huh! that fits actually!!’ i love that like him and choro flip flopped completely from what i thought. his school must be so cold theyre too cheap to afford heating in the winter and in summer the acs Blast. he was so Shy and quiet and he cried and he liked to sing so i always thought that when he participated in chorus festivals hes always like right in front!! he hums a lot in class and also moves around alot bc he actually like school and people like primary trio are the types that make friends often. i wasnt supposed to talk about this yet whoops.

unlike ichi who relatively neat despite everything but has shit notes, jyushis notes are amazing and understandable and utterly illegible.

theyre covered in doodles, arrows and lines leading every which way, different colors but not like color coded n theyre not in order by date, but he opens to a random page every time yet somehow always seems to know where to find each lesson. he writes footnotes and caveats and corrections and criticisms of the teachers and random thoughts and just smears ink everywhere. sometimes his notes are on a completely different subject. the notebook itself is a horrifying mess, the front and back covers both covered in drawings and designs and falling apart, random papers shoved between the pages, coming apart at the seams, covered in stains of unknown origin. assignments are full of emoticons and informal language, and they always manage to make his teachers feel like hes smarter than they are (most likely). he does his projects the minute theyre assigned, and is finished a minute later so can talk to his friends. he loved school.

sophie told me once about how she thought was Like That was bc one of his main concerns is that he thought he had nothing that made him Jyushi n in kun she said he might have been the one who was the most concerned about having a distinctive personality and i talked about how that sorta carried over san and how he always blended in bc of how gentle and soft and push-overy he was. he was actually the and most gullible and weakest in kun so i was like :0 when i saw that and intentionally did stuff like only carry 14 yen in his pockets to be quirky but it always sorta fell flat and he was still invisible so i was like hmmmmm. and i can see how he couldve toughened up and thinking of this now!! i love that. oh im so happy. this is so much better than i ever couldve imagined ever.

totty…. i do not think he was very popular or good at school. i think he’s very decent at schoolwork but he never put much effort into it. just copies whats on the board but if the class runs out of allotted lesson time n he couldnt finish his work he just didnt do it like cram schools a pain in the ass. if he put effort hed be a star student but he just craps out whatever since hes was the laziest!! oh but something i noticed was that him and jyushi would play together often since sometime he felt overwhelmed by karamatsu a lot. also hes the money thief and scammer its great kun todo is so good. he gets shy and flustered easy too!!

but uhh yeah!! depending on the day im always like 'zaimoku love each other so much they are best friends and the perfect other halves!!’ then im like 'these mofos hate each other what the fuck is this trainwreck’ did you see their shitty small talk in the horse episode. what was that. like they are genuinely trying to communicate and are pretty easy with each other but they have nothing to say. its like when youre having a boring day at school and theres nothing to talk about with an acquaintance so you just look at the walls and go 'have you ever noticed how stupid these posters are’ then you both start reading posters aloud but you both know its not that funny and youre just doing it to waste time but you still enjoy their company you just dont want silence. thats their relationship. and i think they are just very similar in very different ways and like. the key things that make them both similar and different and the same fuck them up (like suiriku!! theyre both really similar even if it doesn’t seem like it at first which is why their compatibility in the relationship chart was so low in s1, but i saw a lot of improvement in both of their behaviours and their communication and honestly. s2 was worth it for that sophie was so happy to see her faves get along) like sometimes when you look in the mirror all the things you see are the things you dont like about yourself instead of what makes you wonderful and unique. also i didnt mean to talk about this but i guess i am.

but yeah. totty is bitter n resentful at kara during hs n karas more confused and upset at tottys behaviour in their twenties n thats bc like i said. theyre dumb. karamatsu!! i think was actually pretty popular in highschool n had a good amount of friends - i genuinely think theatre kids are well liked bc i literally know everyone in my department and im friends w a good amount of people and im not even That extroverted. my actual extrovert friends know everyone in the school by name and everyone in my department is so nice even though theres a lot of bitchiness and drama its not as bad as w other humanities studies (jesus christ humanity students outside of theatre are a hot mess.)

uh yeah n that ultimately makes totty feel a bit… betrayed? karamatsu is his partner! theyre supposed to be there for eachother! kara’s the first one to branch out, get friends etc etc and todomatsus left behind bc hes always the one playimg follow the leader and he breaks out of that once they graduate - he grows up resenting karamatsu slightly though he still cares. but this time Hes the one cancelling plans to hang out with friends instead. my friend katie put it best when, in response to me telling them this, they sent me:

'kara: totty you have so many friends now. We barely see you anymore.

totty, applying chapstick: well, I learned it from the best.’

when i told them about it. but at the time gwyn and i were babbling about possibilities and different storylines and how theres a possiblity the movie might break down into three manageable plotlines n she gave zaimoku 'popularity’ and this was me throwing out ideas but honestly. Good. (aha, the end of this scenario ended up with todo throwing hands and shoulder checking someone outside a window and then getting removed from the premise n hanging with atsushi all night after) why am i on this. shit what happened here.

uhh but yeah totty is Def someone with learned behaviours rather than being a natural extrovert honestly just look at him hes an introverted mess masquerading as a decent human being and i know full well how people like that are bc some of them have been my best friends for years n seein the new hs promos solidifies that fact bc look at him. Crybaby. He is Miniscule. A Child.

then its 'delinquent who looks like an honour student’ choro. i never studied him until sophie started liking choro n since i love sophie i wanted to take an interest in him too. n i started to think very hard about him! then gwyn planted this in me n its taken root and im just never not gonna think its great. yall see his shitty gokudo impression what a bossy lil shit. he pulled a whip on kara once and it was mad funny but also Gwyns Big Evidence for him just being the absolute worst not like a casually skips class type but a Choro was a legit a bully and really mean n sabatoged other classmates to make him look like he was 100% That Bitch. maybe not him being Mean and cruel but just an asshole who bums around, is something i really like that one a lot its been one of my faves since gwyn n i started talking about it but i just!! have a ton of other things too!!

hes a lot like karamatsu in that theyre both stupid and weird and embarrassing and they put on airs but they also!! dont try!! they talk so big and such high goals n expectations and they dont do shit bc they have so much hubris but i always talk about them bc suiriku is sophies Beloved so ill like. Not. but he acts like he’s better than all of them n forces the role of the straight man on himself because he wants to be seen as the responible, level headed one even if hes just. So Much.

i think the movies calling back to how touchy feely and clingy he was in kun and adding on to how jyushis a delinquent and kara… Is Like That he’ll be around them the most bc jyushi might either be really protective or push him away and then they do something to mend their relationship later on or hell cling to kara and they just. grow apart. sticking to my hc until the end bitches. oh.

for choro… personally!! i thought hed be a slacker instead of a delinquent but not in the way totty slacked - totty was lazy n knew the work but didnt want to put in effort but choro just. Doesnt. choro has so much energy all the time and choro Can Not deal with school situations. bc like… you always hear people say that studying is meant to be done at the desk, silently, no distractions what so ever!! focus on notes and nothing else!! ise a highlighter but dont use it too much!! make your notes legible but you only have five minutes before the board gets erased!! review!!! look at your notes or youll die! take breaks bit dont take too long and honestly. listen. kun choro wouldnt be able to stand that shit and id think hed just think he was doing it The Wrong Way n he just wasnt meant to do it.

he doesnt like quiet classrooms!! he cant study like that and hell get distracted. he cant sit still n thats why totoko broke up w him in the beer ad and why hes just Everywhere in kun!! hes understimulated and its just Ugh! you know??? he’ll fidget w his pens until he breaks them or hum or tap his foot and annoy everyone or leave for the bathroom at least three times a class just to get up and move.

eventually he just. gives up even though hes super smart he like, stops caring bc if you dont care to understand material then you wont have to read and read and reread and rereread something to get it! classes just make everything uncomphrehensible and makes any idea he may have sublimate into nothing. but he can work on the trains and the buses! he needs something kenetic to get him moving and trains n shit always have enough going on to work with, just like with home!! chorochoro motherfuckers. he works much better moving forward, ironic as that is. he feels sorta set apart from every thing like hes behind some big plane of glass doing everything wrong and being all set apart from everything. eventually he takes to acting like a real fussy mom to avoid his own problems and help everyone else out even though hes annoying and even when he graduates but it gets Worse bc then figures out how much!!! he fucked up!! then he kicks himself into high gear n still cant do shit. ahh.

its illegal for me to talk about choukei bc i talk about them so much and im always being annoying n typing stupid essays about them bc theyre… my faves.. But this is so long…

it actually makes me super happy that he kara acne he still can be really fighty and he cries and he still does stupid impulsive shit for others and even though hes really sweet and caring is still an utter monster and fucking mess of a person. love him. i always like to think his shittymatsu nickname came from iyami n it just morphed from there bc in 66 you can hear iyami calling him specifically garbage. ive always been glad they kept his sewing hobby too. ahh, actually from what i see hes pretty similarities to kun so i wonder when he decided to air out that teremity. idk what to say about him that i havent in tottys section. he just Feels like someone who had a good support group and nice friends bc of how hes able to move in the world. kara feels like some whos doing their growing up in their twenties bc highschool came easy to them and now theyre just really struggling with the real world. like i shouldve expected softboy hs kara and i appreciate him very much!! i talk about choukei a lot bc they were the first characters that spoke so i immediately attached myself to them n i talk about karamatsu Specifically but im not sure i ever mentioned how much i appreciated how smart and cautious hes proved himself to be time and time again, like how hes the only one to point out totokos fish shtick aint doing her favours or how he was the first one to notice osos irritation n how you can pick out his voice warning jyushi to calm down in the bg of 24 or how in the comedian episode he was ready to take Notes from iyami and a lot of other small things!!

i would think hes actually a bit more serious n calm in hs and san is him amping up traits that drew people to him in hs and it backfiring on kara spectacularly - kara is always gauging people and their reactions and acting in a way he believes will get something positive, but at the same time is utterly oblivious when it comes to actually Getting them n i talked about the girls on the bridge but this is also prevalent with ichi who kara just. Doesnt Get and can not figure out how to maneuver their relationship. like oso, kara is and elder brother!! and elder brothers have an image theyre supposed to uphold, but while kara acts the part he doesnt do the shit a big brother does and shrugs that responsibility off on oso until oso fucks up until s2, where they share the role more evenly and his relationship with ichi improves but this is another essay entirely. what im trying to get with that is that hyperfocus on what other people think of him, but his complete disregard when it comes to their actual reaction and instead what he wants their reactions to be would also greatly impact him transtioning from a teen to an adult im sorry im getting sloppy now

osomatsu… i really adore him too much and i understand how totty felt in their episode bc i also lent my phone to a friend who needed to desperately jack it before meeting new people n i talk about him a whole lot too. hes mean and an asshole and garbage n i know a lot of people find him plain n boring but idk. i dont think thats the case hes a really complexed n nuanced character n hes literally has always been way back from kun n thats expected from a main character but… hes always been mean n dumb n sly and he can get so pathetically vunerable and thats literally!! him. hes a normal dude nothing wrong with that n it can be real refreshing. n i suppose im so fond of fishing trio+choro bc they remind me of my friends. but yeah even if hes 'plain’ i dont see why thats a bad thing. n this they always have the most interesting body language like despite kara being So Much his body language was always closed off n singled him out as everything But exuberant and bright, and osos quirks like how he stands on his toes a lot had always been so cute… its relaxed and open n screams Talk To Me!!!!

ahh but i always end up thinking oso was. oso??? theres not much to say that i havent before but i do think that he was a lot more like he was in episode 2 when ranting to chibita about having shitty brothers and then actively Chose to be a good brother even if he wasnt a good person and be a stable rock and be someone they could all come back to at the end of the day. and hes good at math im never letting this die.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

do NOT GO TO LE BAIN NEAR THE HIGH LINE

ur depressed n hungover n the wifi is out at your house even though u pay for it ur roommate scammed the electricity company the entire last year til they just now recently caught on so now we just have to pay but the power was out for a couple hours, either way the summers in bushwick always seem to make ur cell service weird. u kinda feel sad texting ur crush and theyre all green bubbles instead of blue ones w read receipts. it feels alot like hot sugar sinkies with the emo couple that keep missing each other and giving weird hot n cold signs til she od's on xans and he gets clocked in the back of the head w a bottle and all u can see is how they were both typing messages to each other but it never got sent. so u end up oversharing venting at klom klorm and having strangers tell u to start a radio talk show or something and u remember the last time u were here u ordered 4 pitchers of sangrias at 11am with ur friend, left properly tipsy but got a bottle anyway then went drunk thrifting at L train…in between getting ketamine delivered to u it was a fun lil salad.<3 we all go separate ways then link up again for afterparties n drinks, yr sent out to find a vape in midtown near grand central terminal and yr lost AF n kinda feel like a disappointment cuz back in La la land everything is so accescible n u hate coming back empti handed for yr friendz [ur also like never gonna forgive yrself for asking a REAL NEW YORKER a year ago if there were more bodegas in the city in comparison to brooklyn, sigh. whateverz.]

bartschland had a top energy cute fashion party at the standard at the high line near the piers on a tuesday night/morning and yr friends getting too drunk at the pregame and fell to their knees at the club entry while tourists laugh. u cuss out the tourists that are laughing and making fun of ur friendz for tapping out. i hate how mean ppl kan b. like y stand there n laugh while u have access into the club to get water. there needz to be more kindness in the world smh. le bain should let EVERYONE in too but dont ever go to the one near the standard high line anymore.

moral of the story: no matter what ifwe tapped out or not we are always pheonixes never just the flames. and no one can take our light away we wont hide it either under a bushel or rock or however the fuck that song goes, and if ur purse catches on fire u better put it out with ur body.

[christian trauma is very real for meh.]]

but u love yr friends sm so many good memories with them like losing ur sock at bossa nova / blacking out after we mixed molly in our drinks in the bathroom and also tht same nite losing ur FAV bell bottoms ur shitty landlord back in LA left at that overpriced house u rented after graduating college in like FUK they made ur legs look sooo long, u took ur digis for ur modeling agency in them but whatevs.

U've dropped molly w them at 1pm just to celebrate the beginning of bk fashion week at bush terminal park but like we got kinda lost cuz why is it so fucking big and circley to begin with....u sat on what u THOUGHT was grass but it was like a big SPIKEY fucking ROCK and u end up with a big scrape on ur butt. whatever it wuz like kinda kute like a KUTE lil kiss and ur a power bottom anyway…..it all works out for everyone.

meeting Fabio [heart eyes insert] <3 at the kick off event was surreal AF. he gave us a ted talk about ethical non monogamy and almost consentually kidnapped us in his van full of stuff he found off the STREET. hows that for treasure n THRIFTY FINDS street/STOOPING EDITION w splash of hoarding w charitable motives. a brazilian woman stopped me to ask me to model her yellow purse in the mystery van, i guess it was a vibe i did look v much like the prodigy of karl largfield except like much less predatory n masculine.

so sorri to everyone we consistently call n text together when we are drunk n tipsy n rolling, sorri to everyone who had to hear us sing wonderwall by oasis off tune n out of key but no regrets. if u hate it lose mi number. but no regrets, life is better without them. we r all human experiencing human thingz, human desires, human flawz...no regrets!!! even the nite we got covid together at mr purple. many closeted lesbian vibes there n aggressive men from yonkers. the uber ride to the after party was fun tho.

ANNDDD the random gemini boy who was 1/4 racist who took us into this hotel to do blow in and get free hot green tea. v excited for VIXEN MAW's concert june 11th, grindcore is kute n KAWAll.

typing this all on the subway w personal hotspot, never thought i would have the audacity to be one of THESE PPLZ. guy nxt to me is singing sad gurlz love money Bollywood edition while swiping on grindr. i just know i HAVE GOT TO GET HOTTER and stop dating musicianzz. anyway.

GO PARTY ANYWHERE BUT DONT GO TO LE BAIN AT THA HIGHLINE .

[thesimulacrasimp]

So yeah, here we go again! I just watched 3rd n 4th eps of hazbin hotel so, again, my thoghts abt it. Idk if i really need to put spoilers warning anymore, but ig ill do it just in case. As with previous post there will be some screenshots.

HAZBIN HOTEL EP 3-4 SPOILERS WARNING!

So tbh i dont have much to say about 3rd ep. Overall it was a really cute ep where everyone kinda got along. Also we met alot of new overlords (that one giant wolf girl was cool as hell) n got a few bop songs. I really like all new voices we got here. Also Velvette was killin in this ep, like slay queen!! Also i didnt know this girl (idk her name srry) was Carmillas (idk if spelled the name correctly--) daughter, that really suprised me.

Ok 4th ep... I have alot to say about it. First of all when that Angels moive started i was like: WTH S GOIN ON WHAT????? Then i thoght that its Angels dream (or nightmare-) n that wolf guy was representation of Valentino. N then when its all started i was like: Oh. I get it.

Speaking about Val, when all that fire started n he opened his wings, that was FUCKING BEAUTIFUL N I REALLY DIDNT EXPECT HIM TO HAVE ACTUAL WINGS, I WAS LIKE: :O I FOR REAL ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A FUR COAT--- ok n thats literally the only good i can say about Val by now.

That one awful scene with Val n Angel was literally so scary... Ive never been in SA, ive never had such "experience" (and thank GOD for that), but i know that feeling of fear when you just in trap and you cant do anything, i know how that feels to be abused, when you just hiding in corner feeling so fucking scared that you gonna get beated up n yelled again, you KNOW that will happen and you just wait for it in terrify, you literally feel yourself like a little child who cant do anything, you want to share your problems to someone, just wanna cry to someone, but you cant and you need to pretend that everything is okay. I was so scared for Angel in that scene and i really felt it. And the way Angel tried to make Charlie leave before that all happened.. Yes, he definetly knew whats gonna happen n thats so scary...

Anyway OMG VOX HIIII!!!!!! :DDDD

BTW THE FACT THAT HES HOLDING VALS HAND LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO KISS IT----- THIS SHIP IS TAKING OVER MY BRAIN PLS SEND HELP

Yeah, yknow what really strange thing about all that? Is the fact that Val s obviously a horrible person consindering all the things he done to Angel, but he is still an ENJOYABLE CHARACTER. Like- ofc that awful abusive scene was not enjoyable at all, but for some reason i just cant hate him!! I TRY BUT I JUST CANT N THATS SO WEIRD. probably its because i know its not a real person, its just a character but still-

Also (someone pls count how many times i used this word-) i really didnt expect to see an ACTUAL SEX SCENES IN THE SONG. Ig i shouldve expect it n i kinda did, but i still didnt-

Also this little scene made me fucking cry, for real. But not the fact that Angel crying made me cry, but his line: "If i end up broken, I wont be his favourite toy anymore. And maybe he'll let me go.."

I dont know why this exact line made me cry, but it did and i think this is awesome, because they really made me care for Angel, even tho, again, ive never experienced such feelings so i cant relate to that, but i still feel so bad for him.

Ok can we talk about that Husk was AN OVERLORD??? I WAS LIKE: WHAAAAATT????

And OF COURSE that one Husk n Angels song. You already know how i feel about it so im not even gonna talk bout it! SIKE‼️I WILL!!!!! THIS SONG IS SO FRICKIN CUTE, THE FACT THAT HUSK STARTED TO JOKINGLY (or maybe not jokingly-) SAYING THAT ANGEL IS A LOSER TO BRIGHT HIM UP IS ACTUALLY SO SMART! THEYRE BOTH SO CUTE TOGETHER SINGING AND HOLDING HANDS FOR A LITTLE TOO MUCH!!! AND THIS SONG IS MUSICALLY ALSO SO AMAZING, ITS LITERALLY MY STYLE OF SONGS, MAYBE MY NEW FAV SONG I CANT REALLY TELL RN! And the meaning of this song is really good too. Whatever is happening to you, unless youre not alone, everything is better!

Andddd everything is ended quite good and wholesome! They came to the hotel, Charlie apoligized and everything is good!!

soooo yeah! Thats it i guess! Im pretty sure im gonna edit it if i remember something else i wanted to say, but thats it by now!

My review/thoughts on eps 1-2

My review/thoughts on eps 5-6

My review/thoughts on eps 7-8

[lvl9thecafetorium]

middle school squip squad hcs

(mainly the Popular Kids bc i’m writing a fic that includes them in middle school (aka jenna, brooke, chloe, rich, etc)

chloe and rich had matching red hair streaks

none of them were popular in middle school

they weren’t “losers” and they weren’t bullied, they were just kinda average middle schoolers

chloe has heelys and she wears them every day and all of her friends think they’re fuckin Rad

brooke wore uggs and had braces

rich had a lisp

the main Friend Group was jenna, brooke, chloe, rich, and madeline (jake joined later)

brooke thought every girl liked other girls (i hc her as pan)

chloe had a lot of internalized homophobia

rich thought all guys liked other dudes

madeline was a part of the friend group and after she started dating jake A Lot of drama happened and by like 8th grade chloe fuckin hated her and trash talked her all the time even though the rest of the group still wanted to be friends with her

rich wanted to be a skater kid so bad but he was Absolute Shit at it

jenna wrote harry potter fanfiction

surprisingly only jake and chloe actually read in the group so they are the only ones that understand whats happening in them

the rest of them are really confused but they read it anyways and pretend like they know whats happening and theyre like “ur doing great sweetie!! i love it!! keep up the good work!!! also whos tracy mofo”

“rich do you mean draco malfoy you absolute dingus”

“whatever!! they’re both stupid names!! anwyays i love it accept my compliment u bully”

madeline is actually french

they all used to have group hangouts at pinkberry and it became really special to them as a group but they don’t go there anymore and thats why they all love frozen yogurt and brooke always wants to go to pinkberry because she wants to go back to when times were simpler and they were happy

rich and chloe were Besties since like 2nd grade but by highschool she was like “no hes lame we’re Cool Kids now and he’s not allowed in the group” and she got rid of her red streak

rich was basically left out of everything after that, adding another reason to why he took the squp and why he was let back into the group after freshman year

chloe still has a soft spot for everyone in the group even at times when they “werent friends” (:/) which is why when brooke said “yeah jake is gross” she yelled “NO HES NOT” bc they were good pals and she liked jake

brooke said “yeah jake is gross” mostly bc chloe always trash talks him (and madeline) and she just assumed she would agree so she was confused when chloe defended jake bc chloe never told her she still liked him (platonically)

chloe is a disney nerd

chloe took one year of orchestra on the violin and it was torture

rich took band and played the fucking tuba and by 7th grade he was like “i cant do this anymore. i think im going insane. if i hear another saxophone play careless whispers im going to shove my tuba down their throat.”

he doesnt even really like jazz or band music he just thinks woodwind/brass instuments are really fuckin weird

“no, dude, listen, you put this giant metal thing and breathe in it super aggressively, and BAM.... *starts singing careless whispers really badly*”

“rich, shut the fuck up” jake responds, because its 3am, but he laughs anyways becuase... its true

jake was in chorus w brooke all thru middle school

when they went to disneyland as a chorus brooke broke the bank at the gift shop for chloe

*brooke goes into chloe’s room with 2 bags of gifts from disneyland*

chloe: “*screaming and practically tacking brooke* BROOKE!!! DID U KNOW UR MY BEST FRIEND!!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU,,, YOU’RE THE BEST,, YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD

brooke: *dying buy trying to talk normally* i know

rich owns alot of kazoos

they once made a video of all of them playing “i can show you the world” on kazoo together and it got like 3000 views and they were too proud of themselves

brooke: this is a stupid idea

rich: EXACTLY,

rich was the class clown

fav subjects

rich: science!!

brooke: english ;) (not for learning, for chloe lmaoo)

chloe: science

jake: math (hah fuckin NERD)

madeline: history (she likes making fun of the stupid pictures of historic figures in textbooks and the dumbass teacher)

jenna: history (not for learning, the teacher is fucking stupid and it’s basically a free period)

rich and jake were Best Bros in mschool and that’s why they were still really close after rich is squipless

in highschool jake is worried once rich starts changing (after rich took the squip, but jake doesnt know that) but he tries to not say anything because he’s just glad they all hang out together again

christine was friends with literally EVERYONE

she wasnt fully a part of The Friend Group but sometimes she would sit at their lunch table or hang out with them in general and they were pretty close

after the “rich is lame” incident freshman year they all drifted apart and they talked and hung out but nothing ever seemed right

to be continued!!!!

[jinae-escape]

THATS IT

If you dont see the wrong in canceling Gone With The Wind...than your as lost and confused as the next milleniums or genz blah blah fools ,because gone with the wind was the first movie to to win and give an oscar to the FIRST BLACK WOMAN !!!!!! like your canceling it for black lives matter organization ( do people even realize who funds and are behind black lives matter organization soros,clinton, and hey fact all your donation is going to the most racist president candidate ever joe biden funds for his presidency campaign but ima stop thats a whole different rant post) when it was a very first great achievement for black woman in film? great job you morons ,by the way all those white liberals screaming cancel gone with the wind are the real racist retards and isnt it funny everyone ignores the black voices saying NO WAIT we dont want this ....wasnt this the movie that got the first black woman an oscar ect.....YALL ARE BE PLAYED THE FOOLS AND YOUR GO RIGHT ALONG WITH IT SO EASILY

If people really care about history here the amazing woman that won the oscar for this movie: Hattie McDaniel

dont you find it really odd theyre trying to destroy good images of black people( gwtw,syrup reallllly.....,uncle bens rice ect just completely blow over the good in black history like the elevator,microphone,carbon lightbulb,... funny how they dont teach the black inventors or all the good black people have done good for us and they focus on these sellout celebs and over payed sold theyre souls athletes “achievements” ) when I was in high school i had to look up black inventors myself in BLACK HISTORY MONTH....

...even negative or bad history good history.......ITS HISTORY we need to know this stuff so we can pass it on and learn and learn from it or know what really happened....its to wipe the black history clean....this is democrats plans since the beginning of the demoncratic party creation 

fun fact not alot of kids or adult know this fact cause it was a plan in the 70s to cover it up but....ima open your eyes

The south in the civil war who wanted to keep slaves and treat black people like less than humans started this party we know today as THE DEMOCRATS the democratic party and with hundreds years later THEY STARTED THE KKK organization

The North was well as we know people wanting to end slavery (black and white fighting side by side willing to fight for the thought we are equal and free) ..and the biggest fact they try to hide is 

a small group of BLACK PEOPLE STARTED THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 

 NOW PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER you notice these democratic owned states and city are saying go destroy your cities and black communities (ever notice these poor black communities are democratic owned decades of poor and badly took care of community THATS THEYRE PLAN were democrats your black your have to vote for us were the answer gargabe lies repeated)  destroy statues with racists past (once again its history it wiping history clean away we wont know the sorrid past bad and the good ) cancel syrup with kind black woman as image bass ,cancel uncle ben rice its racist somehow ,ect major moments for black people lets tell easily led foolish youth to destroy black history  CAN YOU SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE NOW 

they got you destroy statues of good people who were for freedom and were for equality , you get 10 years now you get caught destroying the statues....they wont tell you this cause they dont care about you....DONT DESTROY PROPERTY dont waste your life away in prison IT AINT WORTH IT

FACTS FACTS FACTS ,should’nt lead with emotions ( its hard to do it yourself ) but always go on facts before you get riled up,it takes time for the full story to come out...or the full picture to be seen

all this from democratic cities oh and hey go destroy Abraham fu**in Lincoln the man who WAS FOR BLACK PEOPLES FREEDOM (was assassinated for that very belief)freed slaves...

 people PEOPLE please tell me your not this stupid and lost come on

hillary clinton super racist white woman trash funded black lives matters ( and you have a black woman as the co founder yea right she just a fake image Patrisse Khan-Cullors and this rancid a@@ woman wants to segregate black and white people again) geroge soros (look this devil up) funds you to go destroy your communities and others oh and hey HE FUNDS ANTIFA (you know the terrorist group) and all the good intentions we had to send our(yes I was played too) money for donation to the cause right? black lives matter organization? right well guess what all that moneys been going to the democratic party evil slimy hands and TO JOE BIDENS PRESIDENCY CAMPAIGN so he can run for president ,he needs money to run for president which means ads,rallies,ect and he getting from the suffering of black people and well meaning people ...PEOPLE WAKE THE FU** UP

dose’nt even anyone realize hillary clinton is...was..is in court for her treason against the united states (emails evil against against humanity) and riots broke out and protests (ego THE BIGGEST DISTRACTION IN THE HISTORY OF DISTRACTIONS) and the mass media never not once covered her in court to the BIG NEWS TO HAPPEN TO THE U.S. since I dont know 911 and not one media outlet covered it???hmm obama was/is in court weird no americans know about it...hmmmm 

oh and perfect just perfect the evil snakes behind the curtains ACTUALLY are trying to actually convince you some lost sheep to defund our police or take them away YOUR TAKING AWAY OUR ONLY PROTECTION in our communities taking our real heros forget these fake movie heros these ARE OUR REAL HEROS (you signing away your life if you stay silent or not speaking out that you want to keep  your police or protect them) you take away the police in your city or whatever armageddon is and will be in your neighborhoods they have nothing to fear you sighing you and family lives way (these evil celebs and politicians saying defund your police ect they have theyre own personal security to protect them whenever they dont need to fear BUT YOU SURE AS HELL DO) WAKE * THE * F* UP

theres thousands and thousands upon thousands of GOOD COPS out there and the cops (3 4 shi**y cops out of those thousand of thousand upon thousands good cops) that were not cops or human in my mind were arrested and are going to jail for good 

dont attack the good cops who live day to day to protect us

look this up yourself if you dont wanna take my word for it always best for yourself to look up both sides of the story and come to your truth

dont be gas lighted dont fall for the lies ,the media and celebs and evil disgusting politicians them all scheming and lying and diverting out attentions to separate us and fight among st ourselves to ignore whats really happening in the background DONT LET THEM

black white asian mexican indians any race its true LISTEN TO YOUR HEART  ignore what celebs and mass media tells you WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER other we love each other , yea we sometimes get into fights or arguments in stores but you dont need to see their color theyre just an asshole not everyone in that color is that way jesus tells us to love one another were equal in his eyes ,believe what your taught since your little ,dont listens to the demons working for the devil to separate us DONT LET THEM

wise words (and to the people misquoting or adding edited pictures of martin luther king jr to fit their agendas I wish you the worst possible out come in life) and to the people falling for it the rev was about peace and love if and any images or quotes comes off any other way against his life mottos ITS A FAKE look up his speeches theyre beautiful and youll know the fake from the truth 

stop  

we need a leader among our communities who for us all to be in this together (black,white,asians,mexican,indian,ect) we need someone like martin luther king jr not these leaders(black,white) for hate ,segregation,and violence its against everything right and YOU KNOW IT

delete later just cant take this outright lying and scheming anymore ,praying and praying I just gotta rant sometimes

JUST PRAY YOUR GOVERNORS HAVE A BACKBONE who dont give into the lies and plotting - 

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[monalisamarie]

Thinning. 01-03-2018

i keep feeling nostalgic for things i wasn’t around for. Like rose from titanic style; like being sad n shit for things I’ve never witnessed first hand. idk ive been calling it Remembering. There are some days I feel like the veil between this life and the last and next is ultra thin. This week is one of those times. Its making me so tired and preoccupied. I need to be focusing on right now not the last 700 years of the last me’s life. ya know? i sound crazy. Its just been feeling very purple. like a french violet with some white mixed in. or a lavender with navy to darken it. That’s how i can best describe it. 

Maybe i’m just being depressed. But i’m feeling so slow. i think maybe its this Remembering BS mixed with my illness. and my living sit. I’m really worried the people who have fucked me over are going to get in the way of my real friendships. and I was feeling okay but everyone is coming back now and its weird. I know two of them aren’t my friends, so even being over there is uncomfortable. and once Morgan and Amanda get back, i know I wont be welcome there anymore. Esp. if M and B move in together. I’m very worried about that. B said he would MAKE it okay for me to visit him. But i don’t want to be constantly reminded that he’s still friends with a person who could be so selfless and cruel. and caused me so much distress and trauma. 

Idk i just keep feeling like im having a heart attack, and have a deep pitted emotional longing  for someone I dont know in this life, and keep seeing in someone who IS NOT them. or was them. and I cant be acting that way, not in this life. not with them now. not with them maybe ever for eternity. I guess I’ll just have to see. My subconscious isn’t doing me any favors. I keep having dreams about it, and it makes my current waking life empathically confusing AS HELL. like what do I  do with those feelings? theyre not for him, I mean some of them are but NOT all of them. and I thought i was past this, but now its that thinning veil thats blurring the line. 

I feel like this is so shitty of me, and like i should be able to control it. Like its all coming though me. From my dreams, from my mind. if were disregarding that the universe is constantly leaving us signs, and trying to approach the problem rationally, the problem seems easily fixed, quit it. But i don’t want to feel that way, and something in the back of my brain or some other force keeping bringing this up. Its not okay, I don’t like it, we’ve talked about it at nauseum. Its over. 

Idk everything is SO FUCKED UP now. I hate it. I don’t know how to process it. In the moment I couldn’t really devote time to really working it through. I just had to move, I just had to work, I just had to accept the answers I was given. Esp. with him, I mean we talked. for a LONG time, and I want to say were peachy, were working on it. That’s the best solution I think, to be working. I fear, but also know we’ll always be working. I’m actually really frightened I’ll always be devastatingly in love with him when we cant give each other what we want. He cannot give me what I need, nor I him; from a romantic relationship, I wouldn’t want that from him anyway. He loves me, like I love him, deeply, intensely, We cherish and adore one another, I will protect him forever, and he said he would be there for me. But there is no romantic option for that for us. I think I’m just confusing myself, because my learned subconscious associates that kind of intense and intimate relationship with longtime partnership and romantic love. Which there is a side of within our own friendship, but its not that. Which I think is the part that frightens him. We will be friends, just like the last time, and I hope I can find him again in the next. Its overwhelming sometimes, esp with the veil being so thin, and pieces from our past are blurring through, which is being compounded by the fact he’s one of the few people I can trust at the moment, and with my current emotional vulnerability from this present life. My mind is wanting him to stand in as a symbol of comfort, but not only is that reductive, but also unhelpful to this whole bullshit in the first place. 

Its very quickly becoming too much and I’m wanting to gtfo, esp now that I’m postponing my transfer. I had clung onto the fact I wouldnt be here next year, I’ll be moved on to better things in London. I have to deal with Morgan for the summer if her and B move in together, and I have to deal with her the following fall. I DONT WANT THAT. SHES A SNAKE, and its getting harder and harder to rationalize why anyone would be friends with that kind of a person. I’m not wanting to try and come between anyone, or force my opinions of her on anyone esp B. ESP B, but she poisoned him against me before, whats stopping her from doing it again to get what she wants. 

theres alot to think about.