#even if she doesn't get exactly what's wrong

[lurkingshan]

Theory of Love Episode 1: Dear Dakanda

And we're off! We begin this week with a 2005 romcom classic from Thailand: Dear Dakanda (the Thai title is more like "Close Friend"). The plot, in brief:

Mhoo buzzes off his luscious mane of hair and heads south to hit the beach. An accident on a boat lands him in the hospital with a broken leg and flirting with a local nurse, Nui, and as he gets to know her we flash back to his uni days in Chiang Mai to see what he's running from: Dakanda, the girl he met during Freshy games, fell in love with, and stayed close friends with while pining after her hopelessly throughout college. In the end, he ends up confessing only via letters after he already gave up and ran away, and the film ends on an ambiguous note.

For those who have seen TOL, I think the parallels here are fairly obvious, and the posters above confirm: Mhoo's story is Third's story. Like Mhoo, Third never says a word about his feelings, choosing to keep it to himself and cry and rage alone. And similar to Khai in these early episodes, Dakanda seems totally oblivious to her friend's feelings as she enjoys spending time with him.*

*There's another parallel to a Thai BL here: Nui is clearly an inspiration for Tharn in I Told Sunset About You! I won't get into that as it's off topic for this discussion. But it's fun to watch old Thai media and newly understand how shows we love were referencing it.

This movie is so much about how Mhoo hurt himself with his slience for years, and ultimately gave up without giving Dakanda a chance to even respond to his confession. Unfortunately, Third doesn't seem to have learned anything from watching it. We hear in his review of the film that he romanticizes--and ends up emulating--Mhoo's behavior rather than recognizing that Mhoo set himself up to fail and things might have gone differently if he was willing to be more honest with his friend. As @bengiyo pointed out, the fact that Third gets caught up in these heterosexual romance films and takes all the wrong lessons from them is part of the conflict at the heart of this story. I love how the show signals that by pointing us to this film right at the start. And with its story over the next 12 weeks, TOL will be in dialogue with this film, ultimately rejecting the notion that Mhoo's refusal to communicate and ambiguous ending was romantic.

As for this first episode, I love how it drops us right in the middle of Third's dramatic pining spiral as it sets up the world of the show. One of the things the show is super clear on is that Khai's player behavior, while kind of dickish, is fairly normal and accepted--Two and Bone act exactly the same way--and Third is only pressed about it because of his feelings. But as the film framing this episode signals, Third never says anything, just gets increasingly resentful as Khai keeps unwittingly reminding him that they are not on the same page.

And of course, he makes it worse for himself by agreeing to help Khai deal with his exes, a truly self-destructive choice that only fuels his jealousy. And every time Khai behaves selfishly or thoughtlessly or does anything to remind Third that their feelings are not mutual, his anger only grows, but Third can't help but press on it like a bruise. I groaned when Third went to catch Khai at the theater with the date he ditched him for; stop torturing yourself, my guy! For his part, Khai has some maturing to do, as he is far too willing to be an ass to his friends in the name of hooking up, and he also just doesn't get that he is constantly hurting Third's feelings by treating him so casually. But for the first half of the show, we are firmly in Third's story and perspective, and I'm excited to see him get to the end of his rope.

Tagging in my other watch partners in case they have anything to add: @neuroticbookworm @solitaryandwandering and @twig-tea.

[delayeddrabbles]

s5 - post break up - rafe & sofia

When you're racing head first towards something that'll kill you in five seconds flat

sofia is watching that taylor swift "27 seconds" joe jonas interview on ellen on repeat.

rafe tells sarah what's going on but noone else.

the ring on the kitchen counter with a little post it note is a gut punch. "shit's gone. leftovers in the freezer. jerry kept an eye on the place - S" no hearts on her Is or smiley face after her name. straight. direct. to the point but also unbelievably kind.

a pile of his old shirts is already washed and folded in a donation box on the end of his bed.

rafe is constantly over at sarah and john b's and topper's in order to avoid being home alone.

sofia's mom is relieved they left her room just as she left it.

sofia's dad gives into the urge to ask what happened to the money and sofia is appauled.

most of the money ends up going towards covering her period of unemployment. she's pissed he convinced her to quit her job.

rafe is radio silent in portugal and so she has to face up to topper and kelce on the street and tell them they broke up.

barely anyone even knew they were engageed and that somehow makes it worse. they're both suffering in silence.

she purposely avoids any beach parties for the first month after she hears he's back.

sofia may or may not have impulsively told her boss exactly what she thought of him in the rush of finally quitting and he does not want to take her back.

she picks up a few odd jobs around town until she finds one that fits.

one of them is a server for a catering company and that's how they run into each other again. some kook girl's birthday party.

he's sulking. she's putting on her best customer service smile for a guy ordering a drink. her hair is up and her nails are short and bare. she's not dolled up. she's all business.

topper waves her over much to both of their dismay and she offers their group a plate of canapés in the most peppy chipper fake voice she can muster.

while he's not interested in the kook girl beside him he clamours for some kind of security blanket/body shield in sofia's terrifying presence. their proximity doesn't go unnoticed.

sofia's dissappointed that he seems to have gone straight back to the party boy again as if everything with her (and Sarah) hadn't happened.

sofia decides to go the next beach party with a revenge body outfit and with the intent of finding a rebound and rubbing it in his face. sure she did a lot wrong but he also dumped her abruptly and harshly and hasn't spoken to her in months. so she's rightfully feeling bitter and petty as well. two can play that game.

it works. he's unsuprsingly jealous. they fight on the beach.

she does sleep with other people. he wishes he could but he can't.

they both get petty and sneaky and flirty. purposely wearing certain outfits and doing certain ticks and stretches and gestures that they know turns the other on. at parties. at beach days. town events. bumping into each other on the street.

the first proper conversation they have is sofia congratulating sarah on being pregnant and the younger cameron being there forces them to interact civily.

once sarah disappears inside a store rafe awkwardly and gruffly apologises for being a dick the last few weeks. everything sofia hasn't been able to say or apologise for brims in her eyes. he's pulled away by sarah calling him.

she shows up at john b and sarah's house a few days later, having looked all over town for him. she wants to talk and apologise. he lets her in.

[differenteagletragedy]

In which Soap's significant other/spouse dies unexpectedly :(

“Aren’t you afraid of dying?”

It was a question Johnny had been asked countless times over the years: in hushed, anxious tones by his mother in visits home, when she still held onto hopes that her son would pick a safer life, and in slurred, almost voyeuristic voices from girls he’d pick up in bars.

And the answer was always no. An easy, thoughtless no, because he wasn’t, not really.

Now, as he stands in front of the mirror of the bedroom you used to share until you were taken from him, he realizes why.

The hard part isn’t in dying. If something were to happen to him on the field, it would likely be quick — a gunshot, an explosion, with no time to think about what it would mean to no longer exist. And even if his last moments were drawn out, there would be an ending to it in sight. A clear cap on whatever suffering there would be.

No, the hard part wasn’t in the idea of leaving this world. It was in being left.

Johnny takes a breath, tugging up the pants of his dress uniform -- the only nice clothes he had, and the ones he'd wear to bury you.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, and the weight of that knowledge threated to drag him down, so hard and heavy that he wasn't sure he'd be able to carry it. After he fell in love with you, really let himself fall and feel it, it broke his heart to know that someday he might die on you. Thoughts of your sweet, beautiful face, crumped and lined with tears when someone told you he'd never be coming home would flicker in his mind during missions sometimes, always unwelcome. They haunted him.

It never even crossed his mind that he'd be the one on the other side.

He shrugs on his jacket, lines still crisp from when he'd hung it up in the back of the closet after moving in with you, and quickly does up the buttons and tugs it into place. He looks at his reflection, but it's all wrong. Who gives a fuck about medals and ribbons and how nicely the seams are pressed when he's never going to hear your laugh again?

But it's not just that, the awkward formality of it all -- his eyes come up to his hair, too. He's always liked the mohawk (obviously he has, or he wouldn't have kept it this long), but seeing it now feels almost shameful in a way that doesn't necessarily make sense but still burns.

He's in the bathroom, decked out his dress blues with clumps of dark hair lining the sink, when Simon comes in.

Johnny barely remembers this -- some plans made at some point in the last week for Simon to come help him with everything. Did he give him a key, has he been locking the door? Ever since he got the news, things have been happening in waves of clarity and a strange foggy dissonance, so he can't be sure what's real, or if it matters.

The deep, familiar tone of Simon's voice as he says his name though ... that feels real. The feeling of his fingers brushing against his chest as he unbuttons his jacket and carefully dusts it off, countless tiny hairs falling to the floor, that's crystal clear.

Johnny's own voice sounds further away, a rush of words coming out that barely registers in his mind. "Feels like a fucking joke," he tells Simon, but what he's talking about, he's not exactly sure.

Simon tells him a number of things, rattling them off in clipped, calm sentences, enough to start to push through the fog, and he doesn't fight it when he takes the clippers from his hand and spins him around, saying something about cleaning him up.

"Just get through the day," his lieutenant tells him over the buzzing. It almost sounds like an order, and Johnny, ever the good soldier, gives an affirmative hum, like it's possible.

When Simon finishes with the clippers, he grabs Johnny's jacket again, holding it out for him to put back on, and when he does, he rebuttons it for him. He systematically goes over the insignia, strong, steady hands making sure everything is in order, and Johnny could almost weep at the small relief of not having to worry about one more thing.

But more than that, Simon's hands feel like an anchor, like a tangible weight holding him to now. There's warmth radiating from his body, and it's not like yours -- he doesn't think he'll ever be able to find a warmth like yours again -- but it's there. It's something, and after days of wallowing in your empty home, smelling your pillow and cradling your clothes and letting himself cry in a way that he hasn't since he was a child, it's a hell of a lot better than nothing.

"You ready?"

Simon's words are phrased like a question, but Johnny picks up on the tone -- another order. It's time.

And he's not ready, not even close. His stomach turns at the thought of seeing your lifeless body laid out in a casket in clothes he picked, and everything in him is screaming, telling him to run, far and fast and hard, from all of this.

But, as always, he's been hardwired to obey his superiors. So instead, he nods.

The funeral is unbearable, but somehow, Johnny bears it. And later, when the grief has settled into an old achy wound instead of bared nerves burning, he'll know that it was because of Simon. Because of his presence beside him, an occasional hand on his shoulder, calloused and sure, that kept him tethered to him when all he wanted to do was float away.

[notanecromancer]

here's some advice from a high-level staffer for a Senator.

There are two things that we should be doing all the time right now. You should NOT be bothering with online petitions or emailing.

1) The best thing you can do to be heard and get your congressperson to pay attention is to have face-to-face time — if they have town halls, go to them. Go to their local offices. If you're in DC, try to find a way to go to an event of theirs. Go to the "mobile offices" that their staff hold periodically (all these times are located on each congressperson's website). When you go, ask questions. A lot of them. And push for answers. The louder and more vocal and present you can be at those the better.

2) But those in-person events don't happen every day. So, the absolute most important thing that people should be doing every day is calling.

YOU SHOULD MAKE 6 CALLS A DAY:

2 each (DC office and your local office) to your 2 Senators & your 1 Representative.

The staffer was very clear that any sort of online contact basically gets immediately ignored, and letters pretty much get thrown in the trash (unless you have a particularly strong emotional story — but even then it's not worth the time it took you to craft that letter).

Calls are what all the congresspeople pay attention to. Every single day, the Senior Staff and the Senator get a report of the 3 most-called-about topics for that day at each of their offices (in DC and local offices), and exactly how many people said what about each of those topics. They're also sorted by zip code and area code. She said that Republican callers generally outnumber Democrat callers 4-1, and when it's a particular issue that single-issue-voters pay attention to (like gun control, or planned parenthood funding, etc...), it's often closer to 11-1, and that's recently pushed Republican congressmen on the fence to vote with the Republicans. In the last 8 years, Republicans have called, and Democrats haven't.

So, when you call:

A) When calling the DC office, ask for the Staff member in charge of whatever you're calling about ("Hi, I'd like to speak with the staffer in charge of Healthcare, please") — local offices won't always have specific ones, but they might. If you get transferred to that person, awesome. If you don't, that's ok — ask for that person's name, and then just keep talking to whoever answered the phone. Don't leave a message (unless the office doesn't pick up at all — then you can — but it's better to talk to the staffer who first answered than leave a message for the specific staffer in charge of your topic).

Give them your zip code. They won't always ask for it, but make sure you give it to them, so they can mark it down. Extra points if you live in a zip code that traditionally votes for them, since they'll want to make sure they get/keep your vote.

C) If you can make it personal, make it personal. "I voted for you in the last election and I'm worried/happy/whatever" or "I'm a teacher, and I am appalled by ——-," or "as a single mother" or "as a white, middle class woman," or whatever.

D) Pick 1-2 specific things per day to focus on. Don't rattle off everything you're concerned about — they're figuring out what 1-2 topics to mark you down for on their lists. So, focus on 1-2 per day. Ideally something that will be voted on/taken up in the next few days, but it doesn't really matter — even if there's not a vote coming up in the next week, call anyway. It's important that they just keep getting calls.

E) Be clear on what you want — "I'm disappointed that the Senator..." or "I want to thank the Senator for their vote on... " or "I want the Senator to know that voting in _____ way is the wrong decision for our state because... " Don't leave any ambiguity.

F) They may get to know your voice/get sick of you — it doesn't matter. The people answering the phones generally turn over every 6 weeks anyway, so even if they're really sick of you, they'll be gone in 6 weeks.

From experience since the election: If you hate being on the phone & feel awkward (which is a lot of people) don't worry about it — there are a bunch of scripts (Indivisible has some, there are lots of others floating around these day). After a few days of calling, it starts to feel a lot more natural.

Okay all -- few quick thoughts about the Elon Muskifying of the government, especially the takeover of the Treasury and associated financial data for every single US citizen and organization, that we are learning about in detail today.

Don't panic. This sounds bad, because it is bad. It's really, really bad. It's outrageously fascist bad. But we've still gotta take a deep breath and get through it.

This is the kind of shock-and-awe exercise of untrammeled fascist power where they are absolutely counting on gleefully terrorizing, paralyzing, and stunning you into mounting no resistance, or just giving up and giving in. They are literally live-tweeting it in real time and boasting about all the access and influence they have right now. They want you to know about it and feel like you can't do anything, so you might as well let it happen.

We have to show them that's not true.

TIME TO MAKE SOME NOISE. Because it's Sunday night, I've gone ahead and contacted my state Attorney General and both senators by email (but come Monday morning, we should all be calling). Here is the email that I wrote to my AG:

Dear Mr. [AG],

As you will be aware, today (February 2, 2025) the Trump administration has granted wide-ranging access to sensitive US Treasury data, including the personal and private information of [state] citizens, to Elon Musk's so-called "Department of Government Efficiency." Musk is an unelected private citizen who has no legal right to access this data, and is engaging in extensive intimidation and coercion to fulfill his personal and harmful ideological agenda. The present and material harm that this causes to US citizens, [state] residents, and basic laws of government, privacy, and financial security is direct, unconscionable, and actionable. I strongly urge you, in your capacity as [state] Attorney General, to file direct suit against the Trump administration, Elon Musk, the "DOGE" office, and any identifiable individuals who have taken part in this action, in order to protect consumer data, citizen privacy, and basic faith and trust in government.

All the best,

[Qqueenofhades]

Short! To the point! Doesn't waste time, tells him what I want him to do, how Elmo's nonsense directly harms the residents of my state, and why he should take action to stop it! And frankly, given how on-the-ball blue-state AGs have been thus far, they're probably already working on it. You are very welcome to copy-and-paste this message and fill in your AG's last name and your state as appropriate. Super easy to do. Takes five minutes. Call tomorrow.

If you are in a red state, your voice is particularly important right now. The Trumpsters are counting on and are even emboldened by blue state pushback, but you really need to make it start coming from Republican strongholds. Congressional Republicans will only feel the slightest amount of unease about docilely enabling this BS when it starts threatening their own personal power. Hit them where it hurts.

Other lawsuits are coming. Marc Elias, Democratic lawyer extraordinaire, is well aware of this situation and has noted on Bluesky that more lawsuits are in the works. He often wins his cases. This does not mean that you shouldn't loudly make noise elsewhere, but please remember that this is one of those 24-hour periods where, as noted, they are counting on demoralizing you with a nonstop blizzard of bullshit. It does not say anything about how this will play out long-term or the opposition that can and will be mobilized to stop it.

Once again: courage. Take the small steps that you can do today. Then take a breath and get off social media for a little while. Try to take the long view. One step at a time, we will get through this.

Courage.

[fogged--mirror]

I am so normal about the two Jesters in the kingdom's card deck! (owen and clown). Rewritten lore analysis time!!!

Real long analysis thing under the cut, you are warned. /Some "spoilers" for both of their povs/

Funny/non analysing - both jesters have a very specific addiction that haunts them every day they are on the server (owen - trial chambers, clown - enchanting/grinding)

More serious lore stuff under the cut!

Less silly - their relationships to the kingdom is really interesting.

Surprisingly it's more similar than expected. Owen has a high position in the kingdom (royal advisor, jester /and accountant ig lol/). He is happy but feels bad after he is disregarded by the king in some way (listening to clown more etc). Was going to betray the kingdom due to this but after king's death decided to fully commit to being a part of it and help yellow.

Until something happened erm.. So it turns out his full plan was mostly set after thinking of killing the king. He wants to tear the kingdom apart (reason? hell if I know man) and his taunts against the other factions are somehow probably part of it (disband the kingdom and make the server hate them because yellow operates in - you mess with one you get the whole pack angry at you, making it difficult to like be friends with other factions?). The blue vs yellow conflict was started by him, the bridge thing was also by him.

Clown also has a high position (archmage, kinda jester). He likes his title but feels bad about being disregarded in some ways (example - Owen being more of a jester than he is so he kinda started hating him off the bat after they first met). Initially even before joining planned to betray, but after everything red has done committed to being more serious about helping his faction.

And he actually stuck to that! He fought with tr!Mocha for Ros and for everything he has done against the kingdom and won. He doesn't have anything against his faction members, tr!Sneeg and tr!Ros are his closest allies. It does not mean his loyalty to the entire kingdom but he most likely will stay if they do. He considered wiping all of green faction after tr!Mocha's death if they were going to retaliate against Ros after all.

As a character both of them are evil creatures who greatly enjoy violence and doing things for their own fun. (The whole red team joining day, Clown immediately being down to kill Pili, Owen setting up a murder plot and poking other faction being like "dang I wonder why they hate me" after). Sure they do care about the kingdom but violence is a need they always will partake in regardless of what happens after.

For both of them consequences don't exist. Owen doesn't care for his own death and loves instigating others. (it bites the whole faction back but dude does not care). And for Clown - he is capable enough to defend himself and those he cares about. Owen is all bark and no bite and Clown is all bite and no bark essentially lol.

Relationships with their kingdom members!! This is when they start to differ significantly

Ros

With Owen - he noticed the change that happened (being more murderous) and was against it at first, not fully understanding what led to it. He still thinks that Ros who wants to kill people is not her. He is wary of Aimsey and Ros's friendship and wants to make sure she is still loyal to the kingdom. His first priority is the kingdom and it's prosperity above his friendships. I personally don't think he cares all that much for tr!Ros, he saw her being close to tr!Aimsey and saw it as a liability and wanted to drag her back to the kingdom (or away from it from today's stream idk man what is wrong with him)

With Clown thought - he saw the change and was encouraging if Ros truly wanted to go all the way with it. He doesn't exactly care if her murderous nature is truly her, he would just support her if she wants to kill, he is excited for her but doesn't push her to it if it makes sense. He was surprised that she killed Aimsey or the falling out if yellow and blue faction. But still his first priority is Ros. Despite being loyal to the kingdom he values his friendship with her significantly more. If Ros straight up leaves after the shit tr!Owen pulled there is like 90% chance tr!Clown would ban tr!Owen off the server and join Ros in wherever she goes next.

Foolish and Sneeg

This is a fun one. Two people closest to them (for Clown after Ros but shh)

Foolish and Owen - King and royal advisor! Gonna be honest probably tr!Owen's closest friendship in the kingdom. For good reason but still, he respects his king and holds him in high regard. But also he knows the king is swayed easily and wants to reel him in most of the time to focus only on their faction instead of the whole server. Tr!Foolish is incredibly skilled in solving things diplomatically or lowering the tension in the room. Tr!Owen is a polar opposite, he wants conflict and chaos and due to tr!Foolish's nature he pushes him to be less forgiving.

Sneeg and Clown - Theeese guys. They are pretty similar in their grinding addiction so they get along well and descended into banter after the alchemy grind. Most recently I think tr!Sneeg is tr!Clown's other closest friend. He asked for his help for if the aftermath of the fight with tr!Mocha went wrong and trusts him more than the other kingdom members. Honestly if tr!Ros left I think it could drag tr!Sneeg to be with the two of them on wherever tr!Clown and tr!Ros go next (please please please I would be so sad if not, Clown please bring a guy you got divorced from with you and Ros on the "Owen got what he wanted so we are leaving" field trip please)

Clown and Owen's relationship with each other!

Despite barely interacting (Clown stop eating bottles please log in and hang out with people once I am begging on my knees). They are basically each others least favourite person in the kingdom.

The kingdom of fools is known for their loyalty and protectiveness of each other, it's basically their whole thing, if you beat up one there is a 90% chance the others will hold a grudge too.

Except Clown and Owen. Sure if Owen got killed Clown would most likely kill those who did if the kingdom wants it, not for tr!Owen but for the faction (or the love of killing people for fun yknow). And if someone is mean to tr!Clown tr!Owen would just instigate with them or don't help, let's be so real.

Their fundamental differences are - the power they possess (Clown's is the physical ability to protect himself + being not that involved in the drama, mostly just going along with his faction, Owen's is mostly his words and influence in the kingdom despite being the weakest in terms of physical strength). And the relationship to the kingdom. Owen puts it above personal relationships and Clown is the complete opposite.

tr!Clown's goals are - Protect people he cares about first and everything else after, he would not care if the kingdom disbanded tomorrow, he would just grab the two people he likes and don't ever look back, there is not much there for him. He barely cares for control over the whole kingdom if at all. Yes he likes bloodshed he can cause by slaying the enemies of the kingdom but he can do the same if it wasn't there. He doesn't care for anything other than the people he holds close and he wants to do his best to protect them. He is chaotic, yes, but it is a heavily controlled chaos, murder is fun for him but I doubt he would do what tr!Owen does when trying to cause it. He doesn't really care about mind games and is the first to jump to violence, it's the thing he knows best and can use to his advantage easiest.

tr!Owen's goals are most likely (I don't know what this man is planning so I am taking a best guess I have) - Power and control over the kingdom above the people in it (if he has to get rid of those who don't listen to his words blindly - he will, no hesitation). Or just chaos he can cause to have his fun. He is not weighted down by his relationships with others. Yes, he appears friendly to his faction but he is not that close to them. He doesn't care for death either and can do whatever he wants with no downside, his loyalty to the kingdom is mostly him playing cards he was given. If the kingdom disbanded tomorrow he would lose a lot I think. His strongest suit is his words and manipulation and by god does he use them.

They started out more or less the same (only different in the weapons they use) but it changed completely after a certain time. Two jesters in the kingdom's deck! One is loyal, the other wants to tear it down.

\silly rambles part - Also if they ever teamed up it would be so over for the server (a person with nothing to lose who would be extremely down to taunt anyone without a care for what comes after. And a person who wants to protect those he cares about and who could back it up if it's ever needed by destroying anyone who fell for a taunt). This has a REALLY LOW, next to 0 chance of happening but I am begging on my knees for it to happen, it would be so funny, jester duo come back to me I miss you.....\

\realistically tr!Owen kinda does not need close allies to get what he wants and tr!Clown cares for tr!Ros and would beat tr!Owen into paste because he was mean to her before ever trusting him enough to be protective over him lmao\

Thas kinda it idk how to end it. Erm subscribe for more bangers, I am usually this normal about characters who barely interact on a cube smp yerp.

[ettadunham]

sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books

[the-lark-ascending69]

> be a robin buckley fan

> be lesbian

> project on robin

> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic

> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve

[tragcdysewn]

"yes, exactly. you know it's strong and cheap if it feels like your throat got cauterized. that's the standard for booze." and it's not like kaya was protesting her drinking it, or even abstaining themself, so she clearly didn't take that much of an issue with kriya's philosophies. "drinking alcohol is for mental wounds, little sister. medical grade shit is for physical ones. and this is certainly a mental wounds conversation if i've ever heard one." kaya's insistence on taking some fault in what had happened to her only feels more ridiculous the more they both harp on this topic, and kriya's expression makes that very clear as she looks over at her little sister with a raised eyebrow. they had both been kids, it wasn't on either of them to keep their family together, it had been on their parents. and while more of kriya's blame absolutely falls to their mother, it's impossible not to resent their father for his role in it all coming crashing down. "no, it's called 'taking on guilt that isn't yours', kaya. empathy is relating to people, not blaming yourself for shit you had no say in." she takes another long sip from the bottle, though the melancholy is broken slightly by the snort she lets out at kaya's comment about their mother's vase. "oh, it was karking hideous, i think even dad was happy when we told them it broke, not that he'd have ever admitted it." she's honestly not surprised kaya doesn't remember it, they'd been so young, and it had probably been more terrifying from their point of view. she can't even immediately blame it on the jedi, it very well could have been their mind blocking it out entirely on it's own. "well, he's not your dad." she snaps, an impulsive comment that she does somewhat regret as soon as it leaves her lips. "i didn't mean it like that." she mutters after a moment of silence. "i don't know how i meant it, so don't ask, but it came out wrong." moving on, kriff, she really needs to stop drinking. not that she's going to, she immediately takes another swig to cover whatever the fuck awkwardness she'd created. "i think i could've made it in if i really tried. but brinna never would've let me do it alone, and there was no way i was taking anyone with me. but good, she's basically family to me by now. i didn't have anyone else for a long time." and then she'd lost brinna too, and it had sucked. "no, ryloth. and i didn't exactly ask for a name before i fucked off. i was just trying to get away before i got arrested."

"they totally do, but they're more expensive, and don't make you forget your issues as quick. alcohol cleanses both outside and inside injuries, yaya. if i have taught you nothing else as your older sister, i have taught you that." she laughed a bit at the question, nodding. "it's pretty much the same, honestly. one of the few things that didn't really change between worlds." a relief, because otherwise, kriya would have had to learn better coping mechanisms, and she really had no desire to do that anytime soon. this coping mechanism worked well for her, and figuring out new ones would mean facing her issues. a hard pass on that one, really. she frowns a bit at kaya's protests, shaking her head. "it's not because of you, knock it off. mom and dad were adults, they made their own choices. they could have tried to keep it together and give a shit about their other kid, and they didn't. that's not your fault." but the two of them passing the bottle back and forth was making it easier to discuss this all, at least. a smile actually blooms across kriya's features at the question, nodding as a snort escapes her lips. "yeah, the ugliest kriffing thing, but mom loved it. i would've been happy if it was broken if not for the rest of the bullshit." she snags the bottle back for that conversation, taking a much longer drink, one she's sure kaya will have thoughts on, before continuing. "look, i'm sure that's true for some people, i'm sure there's people who's parents actually just gave them up, but that's not what happened to you." she can acknowledge that she's probably seen the extreme worst of the jedi, that there are likely plenty of them who embody the ideals perfectly, but she's never seen them, and can't help the resentment being a blanket thing after everything she's experienced. "i always wanted to find you. i just never managed to find a way to break into the temple or track you outside of it. brinna was there for all of it, she'll take care of you." she'd trust brinna with her life, and more importantly, with kaya's, if it ever came down to it, though hopefully it never would. "and you're a brat, you do understand that, right?" she teases lightly, trusting that they won't take it nearly as personally as they may have when they'd first met. "kark, alright, but you're not going to like it." she sighs, dropping her head to the arm of the couch as she prepared to speak. "i got hired to find dirt on some corrupt senator. my employer either didn't know or neglected to mention that the asshole, being corrupt, had had assassination attempts on him before, and got a jedi guard as a result. i got caught, obviously, considering i wasn't expecting a karking jedi knight. he took me for an assassin, and took my arm before i got away."

[unproduciblesmackdown]

among the boundless billions zaniness like laugh track as it definitely has that moment of expressing "rolling my eyes as The Left makes a kerfuffle of Acting like they have a stance as a veneer over the true belief that [xyz] is cool & chill actually" like what, approximate 0.000% chance wendy isn't, as usual, given the Objective Stance of "yeah yeah ohh we are cancelling involved parties talking about how we Don't watch this But. we all love this damn epic movie & already have it memorized so shut the fuck up, kids today" like. don't wanna really delve into how much billions thinks taylor or anyone is "really" trans / nonbinary like not too much benefit of the doubt in this material including what does provide info abt that specifically

& the general like [head in hands. what do you think any of this could possibly be about (you're the one that made your show at all about Power)] of "yes, it's bad/wrong to be someone that someone has done something to / victim of something" like that to be anti misogyny All Women Must Be Epic Winners b/c there's something to be proved: that they don't Deserve to be victims (of misogyny), not taken as a Given. while when we see some epic winner men stepping on other men (who need not all be guaranteed Winners so as to say misogyny is wrong), that's often Good, well beyond any assumption that various forms of basic disrespect / violation / patterns of emergent/entrenched power difference as Bad (for being things done to people, not for there being people they're being done to), & generally billions has to take an extra step when ppl get shitted on & tell us the Specific Cases when it was undeserved actually & someone was being mean to a specific person who didn't deserve that. & the specific cases when hey guess it wasn't that bad(tm) or when hey It's Okay that you're someone something was done to, in this case. & tell us what we were supposed to know all along like when someone who something was being done to (wrong Of Them, whether b/c they inherently deserve it no matter what, &/or b/c they failed to be someone who could make it Impossible to do anything to them, which, how do you do that besides being The Authority / Superior yourself, exactly? nonrhetorically? what if the in group vs out group / fascism / authoritarianism protected Me?) was actually being treated Too Well b/c ah well the abuse meant you were getting any attention, maybe it meant you were claimed as any superior's property, maybe it meant you weren't Already disposed of, as all Losers were in the end, You're Welcome.

obviously referring to winston where it's spelled out all the abuse towards him was deserved, & More than he deserved in the case of rian having more access & taking advantage of that, all for billions' enjoying its own sendoff there of, again, maximizing violation & violence short of [real violence is physical & leaves bruises / draws blood / Literally kills] which would be distasteful in general But doesn't it make wags look like the winner & winston the loser is that the former's completely unrelated completely impersonal ego blow gets way amplified taken out on winston, the most vulnerable recurring character when spyros as [first & ultimate Everyone Hates Him role] is more entrenched in there & billions still magnanimously pities tuk, as it does winston too, just not quite as much. again that like completely surface level realized power fantasy of forcing the mirror up to the Inferior so they're like nooo my inferiorityyyy & in doing so like, the projection in that lmao, we get it re: the valuing of & need(tm) for such Power Tripping & Reaffirming My Superiority & My Ego Restored; Everyone Claps like good god. & then for all ben & tuk are the slightly softer Two Too Nice Boys duo to the rian & winston quant duo, also like too nice i guess but not as much, ben is in charge of tuk but Any instance of rian being in charge of winston outstrips them in that "yay interpersonal abuse" dynamic, like then in the end billions may be like "yeah it's possible to be mean to them unlike how being mean to winston is actually Nice b/c he deserves everything he gets, we only vicariously enjoy it vs Feeling Bad for tuk & ben sometimes (still magnanimously & it's Not That Bad / just goofin)" like ben & tuk still Fail by not being people it's impossible to do anything to. & not Exceptions who anyone is really being Too Mean to. like if they were women, in which case, no problem surely with a "positive" kind of victim blaming where there is something Inherent that Will be victimized so hey how about to cancel that out there's this special Paternal Protection you Need always, Or Else? :) but instead they are men who are asian & is ben gay & w/tuk & winston nobody mentions glasses or fatness but billions doesn't really do much or very in depth textual mentioning of Anything, even w/nonzero mention that there may be gender & race in this world. a gay man, once. no disability. we just Know who are the inferiors who deserve it when they're treated inferiorly, or if they don't, they start deserving it when they fail to stop/avoid it, but if you start mentioning the factors behind who we all totally agree is inferior like whoa nobody was Saying any of that? being the real agent of oppression on the basis of the factors only You spelled out, much? nonbinary? i never say anything about the Gender Binary when i'm subscribing to it, sounds like You've created & enforced it. obfuscation & deflection onto [so Just Normal nobody has to label, explain, or argue it] couldn't serve a purpose & protect the existing power differences as they are. maybe You're the problem? perhaps you brought it upon yourself & now you're causing too much trouble standing up for yourself while everyone else's criticism is laser focused on you as the prior & continuing negative actions done to you are taken as a given / unquestioned / covertly protected to overtly encouraged?

anyway so wild if the Completely Normal(tm) Victim Blaming is uncritically recreated & oft embraced for "if you're watching this & don't wish you were axe / find him appealing" [billions as a sequence of vicarious power trips] purposes in this series....but a bit wild considering like this is your multiseason show that wasn't just purporting to be those power trips for [enough demographic & apparently specific personal tastes overlap w/creators] & was at all purporting to question the matters of power at play in the material, or yknow, at least to not be completely superficial material while said material is textually & thematically all about power difference being leveraged, how, the consequences, & so on. thus i will have to intermittently talk about it forever like this like lord unbelievable. & the funny little & sometimes less funny less little characters it has trapped in there so that those of us who were never meant to be in the audience can be cursed with this knowledge. like i have some feedback. "imagine not victim blaming" & "imagine adjusting your perspective can go beyond superficial layers added to politely defer to some other ppl while they're present but really like cmon do they deserve that. am i not just saying what we're allll thinking"

[theradicalace]

i just think it's so funny that when *i* lash out and start bitching *about* management to my coworkers because of a stressful day at work, i get pulled into the office to discuss my attitude, but when a manager lashes out and bitches *at me* because of a stressful work day, i get a halfassed "oh sorry, but-" and i'm expected to roll over and take it.

[victorluvsalice]

"When his mom first casually mentioned the “annual McFly family camping trip,” he’d thought she was making a joke. He’d been camping a handful of times, but never with his family.

Never with his family."

Oooouch. :( I'm glad it gets happier by the end, but ouch!

McFly July Day 13: Campfire

Lone Pine timeline

Marty scooted closer to the fire, reveling in the warmth it provided in the chilly night air. He was bone tired from the day’s activities, and the thought of crawling into his sleeping bag sounded amazing. But he resisted, knowing full well that while his body was thoroughly exhausted, his brain hadn’t quite gotten the memo yet. It was still swirling with thought, pulling his attention in ten different directions at once.

The last time he’d sat by a campfire and slept outside, he’d been in 1885, his entire future hinged on one big decision and a fragile plan.  

Now he was home—or, at least, he was back—having spent a full day hiking and fighting to set up his expensive tent and collecting wood for the fire Dad and Dave built.

When his mom first casually mentioned the “annual McFly family camping trip,” he’d thought she was making a joke. He’d been camping a handful of times, but never with his family.

Never with his family.

Except these people were his family, and Mom hadn’t been joking. They’d all, minus him, reminisced about past trips on the drive to the campsite, unknowingly providing him with small pieces to add to the slowly growing mental puzzle of this timeline’s version of him. Of the life he did but didn’t live.

Last year, they’d had a race to see who could assemble a tent the fastest: parents versus kids. Mom and Dad had won.

Two years prior, it’d stormed so fiercely that they had to leave the first night and stay at a nearby motel.

Marty had learned that during their 1978 trip, he’d somehow managed to lose his balance during their hike and end up in the river—twice.

“You were like a little drowned rat,” Mom had said through a laugh. “Remember that, Marty?”

No, he didn’t. But he’d returned her laugh, along with the dozens of others shared during the car trip.

It all sounded nice, the stories they swapped. It sounded like the kind of stuff he’d longed for as a kid.

His quiet ruminations were interrupted as Linda dropped into the folding chair beside him. Even after a day spent out in nature, she still looked put-together, as if prepared for the possibility that she might have to hurry off to meet a date at any moment.

Linda bumped him with her shoulder. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You’ve been weird today.”

A chuckle worked it’s way from Marty’s throat at the blunt, but accurate, statement. He met his sister’s eyes, seeing the mixture of teasing and concern.

“Just today?” he asked with a smile.

“Weirder, I should’ve said,” Linda clarified. “What, are you too cool for these trips now?”

“No. I’m having fun.”

“Could’ve fooled me. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, Linda.” Marty held his hands out toward the dancing flames and focused on the heat and the crackling logs. He felt her gaze on him still—observing him as if he was some riddle to be solved. Some unknown specimen that needed dissecting.

Just as her staring approached unbearable, it stopped, releasing the tension that had been building in Marty’s chest. Linda reached into a bag beside her chair and pulled out a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and some chocolate bars.

“Wanna make some double-decker s’mores?” She offered a wooden skewer to Marty.

Marty’s breath caught at her words—at the memory that they brought to the surface. Not from this timeline but from the old one. From his timeline. A memory of him, Linda, and Dave making double-decker s’mores over the stove on a rainy autumn night after their parents had gone to sleep. Of setting the marshmallows on fire and melting chocolate dripping onto the countertops and graham cracker crumbs scattered across the floor. Scrambling to clean it all up and leave no evidence of their late-night sugar fix.

Had that night happened the same way here? Or had it come about some other way, maybe even during one of their camping trips?

He supposed maybe it didn’t matter how, just that it did. That he’d found one of those rare connecting threads—woven through both timelines and providing him with a brief feeling of being anchored.

Giving him hope that, over time, maybe both his memories and this place would feel like home.

Marty took the skewer, then got to work helping Linda tear open all the packaging. He thought of the stories he’d heard of past trips, how he’d had nothing to contribute or look back on fondly along with his family. Maybe he’d never gain any memories, though he hoped he would, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to make some new ones of his own.

[kraviolis]

i can tell when the author of a fanfic im reading had a peaceful childhood

[nostalgia-tblr]

For anyone keeping track (no one), I have started watching the first Avengers film (MCU not the 60s TV show) but only while eating lunch so it's gonna take a while. So far Nick Fury has been assembling the Avengers (the film was initially released in the UK as Avengers Assemble - because of that 60s TV show - but it's not called that on D+ so I'm calling it what the Americans called it, just FYI) even though there's not yet anything for them to avenge as That Suit Guy (j/k I know his name too!!) isn't dead yet, and now they're on THE FUCKING VALIANT FROM DR WHO and I assume we're gonna continue assembling for a while as they're not all there yet.

MEANWHILE Loki (who is neither an alligator nor a woman in this???) is in a SECRET UNDERGROUND LAIR with a bunch of his stans who are... idk something technobabble that involves irridium and anti-protons. He is there looking for the tesseract on behalf of ???? who I know will be revealed 47 films from now as... no, wait, it wasn't, was it? That was just announced on a website or something? So it could be LITERALLY ANYONE. The Avengers (in-progress) also seem to be after that thing, but I have already forgotten why everyone is wanting it, assuming it was mentioned (it probably was).

Thor hasn't shown up yet, but Arrows Hawkeye is working as a Loki Stan and there's Steve Rogers and THE HULK and The Only Woman One, whose power is that she's a Cold War assassin (??) and I think this one is the film where she gets called a cunt (!) and honestly I am not sure which of the men she's getting officially shipped with, I think Arrows Hawkeye though? Fairly sure, as the alternative is that a man and a woman like each other as people but not in a lusty way, which would never happen obviously. (Hey I may ship mostly het* pairings but I don't always like it!)

Based on the Valiant (if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) I am guessing that the film ends with Loki dying in Thor's arms romantically but then I remembered that I know it can't because one of Loki got kidnapped from... either the end of this film or the start of the next one or POSSIBLY just from a later film's time-travel bit (???) but like... maybe they've edited this film secretly and I was right after all? But nobody else has watched it on Disney + recently so nobody knows yet? IT COULD HAPPEN.

Not sure what to make of this film so far, a lot's been going on yet also not much has been going on, and the one I like best so far (Suit Guy) is gonna die (NOT EVEN IN THOR'S ARMS ROMANTICALLY) and god Iron Man really hasn't aged well now that we have that one tech billionaire being a twat in public all the time to remind us what such people tend to be like. WHERE IS THOR????

*I say het but everyone in everything is bisexual, I know this because I thought of it and announced it on tumblr and will now say "I don't make the rules" to make it an objective FACT. I don't make the rules!!!

[notmoreflippingelves]

So I know, I know, we all hate it when people add comments and especially lengthy ones to posts that are no openly encouraging them. Nevertheless, I'm gonna do so in this particular case because the novel that I was writing in the tags just got too too long and I was frighteningly close to the tag limit.

The things that would fix Esteban Flores are (in roughly this order)

A found family (preferably one totally divorced from connections to his bio family) and/or a small child to take care of.

A heartfelt apology from his biological family (definitely Luisa, probably Elena, and maybe Francisco as well).

A hug x1000

Being shaken

Enough sleep

But most especially the first two.

Esteban's issues stem from being made to feel like an afterthought and/or an obligation to his family of origin. In his mind, he was not chosen or wanted. He was liked, loved even--but he was loved because he was familia--not because he was Esteban. He was not enough in and of himself, especially not when compared to Elena.

Do you know why he continued to tend the cacao trees during the Dark Times? Yes, it was out of love for his family, but I think there's a bit more to it than that. His abuela shared something private and meaningful (i.e. how to take care of the cacao trees) with him that she didn't also share with Elena. He was welcomed into Luisa's world--if only for a moment. This was his, the rare thing that he didn't have to sacrifice to or share with Elena. No one could take this away from him--the moment of feeling seen and chosen. Not even the fact that this moment was very very much an anomaly and the rest of his youth (and his adulthood) consisted of him being shoved into the corner of some family portraits and left out of others entirely---and no one noticing this for years.

In "Something I Would Never Do," Esteban outright states "Years ago/ I did not know/Just how much they cared for me." He's just now realizing after 40+ years that his family just might love him (50+ years if you go back to when Esteban moved into palace); he's genuinely surprised about it and terrified that he's going to fuck it all up. Yes, Esteban has atrocious self-esteem, but these impressions did not come from nothing. Even now, his family keeps him largely at arm's length. He doesn't appear (or isn't even mentioned) in the two family vacation episodes, suggesting he was left behind. His Navidad plans (the ones he has been dreaming of , all alone for 41 years!) are rejected outright by Luisa, and no one even bothers to ask what the Dark Times were like or how he is coping. Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed. He's there, sometimes he is shown attention and affection, but he's still made to feel that he's not really a part of the family in the same way the others were.

All this is pretty bad in and of itself, but it's made worse by the fact that he's not getting his emotional needs fulfilled from outside the family any more than he is within it. As far as we can tell, Esteban's only real friends as a child were Elena and Victor. (Maybe Felicia as well, but she was far more Elena's friend than his). And neither Victor nor Elena could give Esteban what he needed: the feeling of being liked and chosen for himself and that alone.

Elena is family--the same family has made Esteban feel like an afterthought and obligation, merely liked at best and tolerated at worst. But that's oversimplifying things. Elena is also the impossible gold standard that Esteban will always be measuring himself against. (And it's especially galling that she was 1-2 years younger than him, and he was still nowhere near her level). She's the favorite (and Luisa is not subtle about hiding that fact), the priority, the important one. She's the one who has always been and will always be secure in power and confidence and their familia's love--the exact opposite of Esteban.

Victor, meanwhile, was a horrible influence on Esteban, and not just where Shuriki was concerned. His selfishness rubbed off on his amigo, and his competitiveness and callousness brought out every one of Esteban's insecurities and worst tendencies. It's also very strongly implied that their friendship (at least on Victor's side) was rooted in how 'useful' Esteban was. Through El Segundo, Victor got closer to power/the crown and also found someone that he could feel "superior" to. Someone that Victor could consistently beat at races, so that he could feel like a winner. Someone who wouldn't tell Victor to go to hell if he subjected unflattering nicknames upon.

So yeah, Esteban's childhood primary source of affection/attention outside his family were two people who exacerbated Esteban's already huge inferiority complex. One of whom was part of said family that enabled said inferiority complex in the first place, and the other of whom is wrapped up in the event that caused Esteban to lose his family as well.

And then, Elena was trapped in the amulet and Victor was banished from Avalor, and Esteban was without anyone at all for 41 years. His primary source of attention and affection during this time was the woman who conquered his kingdom and took away his family. Someone who had preyed upon his vulnerabilities from the very start and who kept him alive only so long as he remains obedient and "useful" to her. There's nothing even remotely close to equal or mutual about this dynamic, and Shuriki did even more damage on Esteban's already battered psyche than all of the others combined and multiplied by ten.

Even after Shuriki is gone, Esteban still doesn't have anyone in his life that voluntarily chose to be in his life. His entire social circle is comprised of people that he knows through his family and/or his role as chancellor (and later his magical abilities). There's Naomi, except there isn't, because their dynamic is rooted exclusively in their shared devotion to Elena and their roles on the Grand Council (which is also directly tied to Elena).

Similarly, Doña Paloma interacts with Esteban almost exclusively in reference to his role as Chancellor. Would she give him the time of day if he had no political power or influence?. Doubtful, especially as she seems to really dislike him most of the time. There's a bit more potential for a genuine friendship to develop with Julio or Professor Mendoza, but again, these connections were formed through Esteban's job and we don't really see any interactions that aren't in service to that.

Higgins is explicitly Esteban's employee and given how insensitive he can be to Esteban, it seems unlikely that he has any real non-professional loyalty or affection to him. Same with Armando, except things do seem to a bit more cordial between them.

Esteban seems to have a good rapport with Avalor's allies, especially Toshi and Shoji, but these are unlikely to be anything more than friendly diplomatic connections and ones separated by distance.

So yeah, my boy literally does not interact with a single character on the show without at least one of them doing so out of obligation/duty/job requirement and/or ulterior motive. Fifty years later and almost nothing has changed, Esteban still has nothing and no one to call his own.

[knifegremliin]

she's going to stay. i haven't officially told my mom that i've decided yet but. she's staying.

[hl-obsessed]

.