#even if i wanted to i probably wouldnt be allowed because my familys always like ‘nooo dont dye your hair i really like your natural colour

[little-red-fool]

Lord give me the strength to not bleach my hair.

[chaifootsteps]

its really hard to take any comparisons of stolas to other abusive characters seriously because i genuinely dont think viv comprehends shes written an abuser, the same way other authors can comprehend theyve written abusers. she self projects so heavily onto him and acts like his sass is justified to the point pretty much everyone, even fans and critics, knows that s3 will just end up with him living with blitz and working for IMP (which was foreshadowed just oh so subtly in the helluvababies season 2 premiere,) after losing everything (oh no, the consequences of my actions!) because of the full moon deal HE decided to start. he started out doing something bad, acknowledged it once (didnt even apologize to blitz for the deal btw,) and got go back to his life of luxury after his former sex slave said no to his love. he took advantage of the main character in the very first episode and will still be rewarded with him presented as stolas's knight in shining armor, a family who will unconditionally love him because of fucking course they will even though they know their boss had to fuck him or else they wouldnt have their "meal ticket", and eventually, most probably, his daughters forgiveness after she cut him out of his life for.. taking antidepressants. not for neglecting her, not for not teaching her anything about the book she was solely created for, for 17 years, before letting someone else have it without a single worry of what could happen to it, and certainly not because she cheated on his mom with some "weird red dickhead" i can watch other shows with the understanding (most of the time) that that character probably will receive some kind of growth, karma, acknowledgement, or change of their terrible behavior if theyre intentionally written as toxic. or, if their toxicity is supposed to be the point, for them to go full ham with it. helluva boss is neither to me; its abuse tactics and toxic patterns presented as good, like gaslighting, triangulation, and codependency. and an audience like vivs will digest these ideas subconsciously as good if they have no critical thinking skills of their own, which most of them dont. and all while being too afraid to actually hold abusers accountable in a setting like hell of all places. thats why none of the characters even acknowledge the actually shitty things stolas does and arent allowed to not forgive him- because the creator herself is an abuser who doesnt understand, or doesnt want to understand, that being held accountable is about ALWAYS acknowledging the mistakes you made and STILL trying to be better, even if the people you hurt still hate you. not apologizing once, and then getting pissed someone didnt automatically forgive you, as if your remorse means you're entitled to forgiveness. thats how stolas thinks, because thats how she thinks, and thats terrible. i cant even watch these shows in a "im a messy bitch who lives 4 drama" way as much as i want to because watching an abuser get everything he wants after a season of straight up cloaca sucking is NOT drama. its just incredibly depressing and makes me think about the piles of money that couldve been used to make anything other then this, instead of the creators self insert fanfiction of "no one is allowed to judge my character based on my past selfish actions: the overpriced, overstuffed with expensive celebs while i claim i cant fairly pay my animators i force to work exclusively on my shows the musical!"

I think you're spot on, unfortunately. If it weren't for the fanbase slavishly, cultishly lapping up everything Viv gives them and making it a point to incorporate it into their own lives, it would be a fascinating look at how an abusive person sees themselves. Stolas's justifications really are Viv's justifications, and she'll never see him as an abuser for the same reason she'll never see herself as one.

[aquarii-if]

I was about to ask for Vega hand and a question popped in my head, who of the ro would propose first, who would wait for the MC to propose first and who just dont believe in marriage/wouldnt want to be married?

Aww, this is a sweet ask. ❤️❤️

Liviana- Liviana is all for getting married, but I don’t think a proposal with her would be that surprising. She’s perfectly fine with proposing or being proposed to, but being the queen of an entire galaxy requires a lot of planning on pretty much everything she does. I’d imagine MC and her would have had a long conversation about a marriage between them, mostly with Liviana explaining the expectations and rules MC will have to learn and follow after becoming royalty. If MC is still sure that they want to marry Liviana, it’s mostly a matter of whoever decides to propose first.

Amare- Amare would prefer proposing. He’s not against being proposed to, but he’s kind of a traditional man thanks to the environment he was raised in. Obviously, he’s all for marriage, and would probably be the one to bring up the topic to MC first. However, I think he’d be a bit taken aback if MC didn’t want to get married. He’s been raised with the thought that one day he will be married, maybe with a family, and he’s spent most of his life preparing for that. So while he would be okay with never getting married, it’d take a bit for him to adjust to that realization.

Estelle- Estelle has always hated marriage, she’s never seen the point in it and viewed it as a waste of time since all of the marriages she’s been around eventually failed. But with MC… I think she’d be willing to navigate marriage with them. They’d have to take things slow with her, since she doesn’t have a good idea of what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like, but for MC she’s willing to put in the effort to achieve that. I think it’s best to let Estelle propose, however, because it allows her to do it in her own time and she doesn’t feel rushed or pressured. MC proposing might make her feel rushed or even make her feel like she’s being put on the spot and can’t say no, but that depends on where MC proposes. Still, as long as MC doesn’t make her feel pressured, she’d be perfectly fine with being proposed to and being married.

Ellery- Ellery is all for marriage, but he’d also be okay with not being married. Unlike the others, he has a very neutral view on marriage. He’s seen marriages succeed and marriages fail, and I think he has a pretty good idea on what the perfect marriage requires to be successful. He’d prefer to be proposed to, since it would take him a very long time to work up the courage to propose to MC. But if MC is willing to be patient, Ellery would be more than happy to propose to them instead.

Vega- Vega isn’t against marriage, but they aren’t all for it either. If MC really wants to get married, then Vega would oblige because they want to see MC happy, but they won’t bring up the topic if MC doesn’t. They’ve just never put much thought into marriage. While Vega would love if MC proposed to them, I also think it would be a really sweet moment seeing Vega be the one to propose. Proposing takes a lot of courage, and you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. You’re basically professing your love all over again and putting your heart on the line for one other person. I think if Vega proposed, MC would get to see a different side of Vega, and it would make for a very eye opening scene for both parties.

[writingpuddle]

back in the early 20-teens i watched this delightful movie, Shelter (2007) which is a gay surfing romance which is very cute and heartwrenching and concludes with our protag and his new boyfriend essentially adopting protags nephew. first of all this post is just a plug to get you to go watch Shelter (2007) because its very sweet and i love it very much. but actually this post is about headcanons.

see, i really quite liked this movie, but this was before i got into fandom, so the sum total of my engagement (other than watching the movie over and over again) was looking up online reviews, and one in particular stuck with me.

the argument this reviewer (anonymous rando on imdb or similar site) made was that actually, the happily ever after depicted in the movie was doomed. first of all, the romance was a rebound relationship. plus the whole adoption of the five year old nephew. protags sister would eventually want her son back! their cute little family would be broken! and thats not to mention the stress that the relationship was financially unequal.

now, in hindsight, most of the analysis in this review was probably bad faith, thinly veiled homophobia. but what stuck with me was the way this person phrased these things as absolute proof. Rebound + Wayward Sister + Money = Inevitable Breakup. as if people can really be broken down into some linear equation with only one possible outcome. because no rebound relationship has ever lasted, because no family has ever survived complicated questions of custody, because money always destroys relationships.

its pretty obvious, from a distance, to see they were cherry-picking all the details that supported their foregone conclusion. i could cherry-pick my own to counter them, but thats not even the point i want to make.

what i drew from this review, and reflecting on it, was how supremely arrogant it was to assume you could predict someones future based on only a handful of data points. a good fictional character, like a real person, is a complex, multi-faceted creation containing contradictions and moods and conflicts that are constantly in flux. its why in fandom you get ongoing arguments about what one would consider the very base characteristics of a character. its why you can have long and involved conversations about whether an action was in-character or not, and whether thats even a relevant question. what trait is actually immutable? what characteristic cannot be violated, if the situation is right?

i think most people understand this implicitly, if not consciously, and engage with headcanons in this way. 'hey' the fan says, 'if i take these datapoints from canon, i can point in this direction! isnt that a cool idea?' and the rest of us may nod or shake our heads, but we understand that there are probably multiple plausible paths. we can comment on whether a particular path is more or less plausible, but its exceedingly rare, and in my personal experience often pretty contrived, to find a question that has only one conclusive answer.

people are weird. a good fictional character should have enough meat on their bones that one should be able to build plausible and contradictory headcanons. (and thats not even to speak of headcanons which are of other types, the 'wouldnt it be fun if' or the 'what if important thing was different' or the many other categories of headcanon).

which is why its always jarring to see people take one data point from canon and extrapolate a huge, inevitable conclusion and then, rather than happily sitting on their little universe like one might expect, instead defending to the death that they must be correct. this is no longer a game to them. they are willing to throw down about it without a hint of irony or comedy to temper their words. and once theyre taking it too seriously i feel i am allowed to criticise their logical processes and point out the fallacies of judgement. the base assumption that humans are comprehensible and predictable beings. the utter and profound lack of real data.

in summary, my response is:

[starstruckwonder]

SPOILERS FOR LEGOMONKIEKID SEASON 4

DAMN CAN WE TALK ABOUT AZURE PLS?!? seriously I both love and hate him sm. He almost seems too good to be true in the sense that he genuinely seems to believe in his cause (like LBD) and believes his way is the only way (like LBD) but is obviously going about it the wrong way (like LBD) but unlike LBD he genuinely seems compassionate and kind BUT also simultaneously being cruel. I think the scene with DBK and his family is just peak representation of Azure lions character. His cause heavily suggests he's compassionate , but when DBK refuses to see it his way , he imprisons him and iron fan. NOT because he was once a demon who wanted to enslave the people Azure supposedly wants to protect ,or because he wanted to take over the WORLD , but because doesn't see eye to eye with him . I mean realistically he knew DBK wouldnt have stood against Azure and protect Heaven ( and probably wouldn't have even know about his plan if Azure himself hadn't told him.) ALSO just his hatred he has for PIF DESPITE the fact that she's no longer affiliated with Heaven and left heavens ranks to be with DBK. Also just him allowing Redson to get away just so all of Heaven could be waiting for their arrival and eventually gooping him all because he stood with Heaven (also can we talk about that scene like DAYUM.) Like dude you just gooped his parents OFC he's gonna stand against you !! Like characters like Azure are so conflicting because on one hand when he's talking I'm nodding my head like "yeah he kind has a point" but he's also clearly not a good dude despite the fact that his reason for fighting is genuinely such a good one. I dunno it almost feels like he's a solider fighting a war that's already over. He's a warrior people no longer need and that's why he's a bad guy? Like yes bad things still happen in the world but it's literally the modern age in LMK. People aren't as helpless as they used to be . if people get sick, they don't need to cry out to the heavens for help and wait on a miracle , they get up and take a trip to the drug store or go to the doctor. If someone's home burns down by the cruel twist of fate, they use their insurance , buy a new one , maybe even use machines too build a new one. Food , clothes ,housing , all mass produced and easily available (mostly anyway) I mean the city MK lives in canonically has a weather station that controls the weather so they can always have sunny beautiful days!! The people no longer need this antagonism , they don't need a "savior" to fight against heaven or create a "paradise" on Earth , because they already have one ! (Or close anyway lol), and that's why Azures plan is so unwelcome . (Also because it ends with the murder of the jade emporer but you get the gist) I dunno thats my take on it , regardless tho , Azure has my heart , but I also pray he gets his ass beat . Amen

[what-the-stories-have-foretold]

Hi <3

Anon from earlier (emergency request)

I feared i made the situation Look worse than it is. I didnt lie, but i feel bad now because i thought, maybe i'm Just overreacting ? Just to clarify. We're not poor, we have enough food, water and we live in a Apartment and were Not lacking anything like soap, Shampoo or stuff Like that. If i wouldnt have ask my parents, i probably wouldnt even know about this Situation, maybe i could have guessed because oure car just broke down and be cant buy another one. Which is Bad, but not the worst. Its problaby going to be a rough years for us. But i guess we're going to be fine. Im "simply" worried. I Hope i didnt make you uncomfortable, i' m Not trying to get pity or sm. I was just scared i was overreacting. So i m just in case writing you again to clarify Things Out. We're okay for now. But my parents worry all the time, and it makes me sad knowing this. I hope you understand, and im sorry for texting you again ❤️

Hey, thank you for clearing this up 💕

To be honest, I get this. My parents have both been freelancing musicians for a while. Loosing the apartment was a real worry for them too and when I was younger I obviously took note of that and always felt bad when they offered to pay for something I wanted etc. (Never mind the fact that it was them that offered this. They wouldn't have offered this, if they couldn't do it)

However, times tend to get better. My mom got really lucky and got employed (albeit a bit away from home and our train system sucks), but it's secure and her wage is a lot higher than before.

Also, of course I don't know where you're from, so maybe it is allowed there, but child labour (that is, minors working) is illegal in a lot of countries. When I was younger I started babysitting (just to earn a little money for myself), but it would never have been enough to support a family or something. Small jobs like these are fine for minors to do, but actual work not. I don't know how old you are or where you're from, but I would still think that you won't have to worry about having to work just yet.

And while it may be easier said than done, you're still young, and considering your parents only told you after you asked, I doubt they would want you to worry about this, okay? 😊

Lots of love,

El 💕

[todayisafridaynight]

NOOOO RIGHT 'CAUSE LIKE... the way the Arakawa Family specialize in faking deaths already, I'm sure Jo was so on top of everything. And who better to walk Masato through it right... flight's the perfect time to get started if it's gonna take like fourteen hours...

BUT YES. YEAH. Like The Day Of he's just paralyzed with worry and caught between wanting to do something and not wanting to go against Aoki... maybe at most he chances calling Arakawa telling him to be careful, because that's not too conspicuous given his role in the dissolution, but Arakawa just gives him the old I'll Be Fine Worry About Yourself... and, you know, why shouldn't he; they've always had their enemies and he's Arakawa the Assassin, he can handle himself... he can let himself have that fleeting hope, but deep down... and THEN he finds out and has to act like he didn't mean anything to him and has to go back to his duties like nothing happened... OUGH

Can I just say. Literally such an insane fucking series of scenes in Coin Locker Baby. Because you get Jo's despondence when he's saying he might have killed Arakawa--he's being a bitch to provoke Ichiban into a fight, but it's also an admission his inaction played a part, isn't it... and then you get him expressing that he's familiar with Ichiban's need to protect Arakawa... and then you get the sheer desperation and insistence in his voice when he says he could never kill him... and then you get--I'm not totally sure how clear it is in English--but you get him actively saying his feelings go deeper than Ichiban's without really explaining how... and then you get the tinge of fondness when he's thinking back on the old days when Arakawa lived up to his name... Like. Why Did They Do That. Any Of That.

ALSO. GOD. I've gotten so much shit the past couple days because I said I want to lock Jo, Kume, and Tendo in a room for five minutes For My Entertainment. Reading those tags felt like coming home honestly 😭 Like, even Ichi was ready to kill someone over Arakawa, and Jo was out here threatening to disembowel people [in the dub]. And I Think They Should Be Allowed To. As A Treat. So FOR REAL the biggest "I'm so glad we get to talk" 😭😭😭

On that note genuinely so funny that I took an extra ten minutes re-rendering the video because I forgot to put the "flashback" part in Arakawa's subtitles at first but then nobody read it 😭

But it's also something I've been mulling over because I'm delusional. Getting actors as high-profile as Nakai and Takei back for just A Flashback is kinda crazy to me because Arakawa and Jo's screen-time took up a full four percent of the entire game [over ten percent of the cutscenes] originally. But then if it's multiple flashbacks equivalent to that... what exactly is going on here that the past is so intertwined...

And Because My Brain Is Evil there is the fact that technically speaking, Yokoyama only said that line was from a flashback, and specified Arakawa wouldn't be appearing in the main story. Now of course a normal person would interpret that as him reassuring the audience he won't appear in any present-day scenes, but part of me was like. Oh So A Side Story Is On The Table [<- it's not it's fucking not it will not be in a million years]

JUST. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS COOKING WHY IS THE KITCHEN DOOR CLOSED WHY ARE THE WINDOWS BLACKED OUT

ANYWAYS that's enough from me for today I am [as always] glad you enjoyed One Missed Call and Kyouen, ABSOLUTE bangers

YAYA THATS WHAT IM SAYIN YOU GET IT. UNSURPRISINGLY BUT YOU GET IT ಥ▽ಥ

no but thats what i MEAN like i already was jokin with myself like 'jo and arakawa probably had A Thing right lmao' BUT THEN THE WAY JO TALKED BOUT ARAKAWA AND OBVI THE GENERAL FACT HE COULDNT KILL HIM REALLY JUST MADE ME (。・∀・??) AND REAALLLY LOOK AT EM CLOSER THE SECOND TIME AROUND like genuinely for what. it will fuck me up until i'm dead and gone SOOO unnecessary and yet they did it..

wack that people wouldnt want to see kume and tendo stuck in a room with jo like. from what i know everyone is a part of the We Hate Kume gang so. cmon. kume will be shredded into candy floss within five minutes. it'll be fun (๑❛ᴗ❛๑)

OK BUT NAKAI AND TSUTSUMI'S STATUS WAS A BIG REASON WHY I DIDNT THINK ARAKAWA NOR JO WOULD BE BACK FOR LAD8 THAT'S SO VALID TO CONSIDER THAT its that idea that just has me especially wondering what the plan is. im not expecting them to have MAJOR parts (or in arakawa's case too many flashback segments) but they MUST have a SUBSTANTIAL amount to warrant bringing them back right..

[charliesimss]

Evens for Issy

Gladly cause my game just crashed.

2. What was their earliest memory?

Playing with her dads cat, Peter, on their living room rug together, but she doesn't remember what they were doing.

4. What were their first words?

Dada and then papa within the same week probably. Both her dads are convinced she meant him when she first said dada, but it remains a mystery.

6. When were they fully potty trained?

ur gonna make me research.. probably 2, a seemingly appropriate age I think

8. How often did they throw temper tantrums? What were they usually about?

She wouldn't have them that often because she was an only child and got what she wanted most of the time... and when she wouldn't she;d get upset and cry real toddler baby tears until it was resolved.

10. How easy (or hard) was it to take care of them?

She was an easy baby, but the terrible twos hit hard. She had lots of fits about little toddler things (not being allowed to feed ducks, not getting her way, getting the purple cup instead of the pink one). But her dads were patient and knew it wouldnt last forever, they tried to practice gentle parenting and would calmly explain to her why she couldnt do something, although that hardly stopped her from the fits. So she was fairly easy to take care of until she had fits.

12. Were they a fussy eater?

Yes, which disappointed her chef dad for a bit, but then he just used it as inspiration to make recipes with hidden vegetables and stuff. She liked any form of carb or potato though, but unfortunately toddler issy couldnt and wasnt allowed to live off tater tots 😔

14. What kinds of toys did they like?

She liked stuffed animals and dolls and dress up, especially when her dads played with her

16. What kind of discipline were they subjected to? Was it lenient or strict?

During her early years (3-grade school aged), she would get put in time outs for as many minutes as she was old, but her dads would explain to her why she was in time out and make her apologize if it was needed, they would try not to yell at her because they didnt want her to be afraid of them, they wanted to form a healthy relationship and sometimes that meant having a short time out for doing something bad. Later on in her life when she could understand punishments her dads would sometimes take her phone away, or have natural consequences mostly

18. What was their favorite childhood memory? Their least favorite?

Favourite is when she met her little brother and her first trip to Hawaii to see her mom, all in one good memory. Her least favourite memory was when her fish died when she was 6 because she fed it 15 times in one day, she'll be a great mom

20. What was their relationship like with their parents? How different was it than currently?

She loved her dads, she couldn't ask for better ones to raise her. Growing up she'd secretly try to think of which one she liked more, but it would always end up being a tie, which I think is how it's supposed to be. Recently this past year she and her dads have been having some tension, just because she's seen Duncan (her bio dad) so many times, and they don't approve of him as a person. But she still always goes to them for help, and cries to them about Duncan.

22. Did they have any pets growing up?

Yesss, a cat named Peter that is still alive out of spite, and a fish for like one day and then never again

24. Did they have any caretakers besides their parents?

Sometimes she stayed with her chef dads parents, and also Gemma her bio mama for a few days here and there.

26. What was their first major loss?

Her fish dying, that was the first in her childhood that she remembers, but her grandpa also died when she was 5 and she went to Hawaii for the funeral but it was more seen as a happy family get together to her at 5

28. Did your muse have any nicknames as a child? If so, what were they? Did they give nicknames to others?

Her dads called her bunny or bun, and her grandma actually started calling her Issy which was shortened to Is, but that was more an older grade school nickname.

[cheezburgerrr]

Sometimes i think to myself maybe i should’ve never left home when i did and i always wonder what that would’ve looked like and im still curious but i know i wouldnt have so many things like i would’ve never met my partner and all of this i wouldn’t be moving to another state at the end of the year but like

what would’ve been the good parts in staying. i would still have a mother i guess but i mean she’s a horrible person so its good i dont gave her in my life but i guess i still miss her because i miss the presence of a “mother” even though a lot of the time she wasn’t one but the times she was it was really nice but it was always soured whenever i remembered and thought about how she would treat me regularly

just feeling lonely tonight and it sucks that i’ll never truly have a mother ever again and i mean i know my partners mother is there for me and i even call her mum but i just kind of hate the idea of family and her actually replacing my mother. its really weird. i have a really weird relationship with family anyway because its like i dont miss having a family per se but i do at the same times but i find it offputting and jarring to do “family things” like having a family dinner or board game/movie night because we never did those things growing up we would eat in our rooms by ourselves and i just grew up really independent and. i wish i didnt sometimes because i feel like now that im in a relationship im too dependent on my partner and i feel like im not really a person anymore without him

but i know i am because i can function without him but i hate functioning without him i just feel sluggish and like everything is in slow mo and im on autopilot and sometimes i just wish i could go back to my old life because i dont want to be an adult i just wish i was a kid again even though i was being abused i dont know i blocked a lot of it out so i dont even know anymore. maybe it was ok. i dont remember anything about my childhood all i know is i had a dog at one point when i was 3 and then we had to get rid of her because we moved house and we moved houses like a lot when i was a young kid and i still dont know why but we never got any other pets and i wasnt allowed to hang out with our neighbours kids so i had no friends growing up and one time i invited one of the neighbours kids to my house and we played and my mum got really mad at me when she got home (after she left because my grandma told my mum and she forced the other girl to go home) and told me that i would get r*ped i dont know why she said that i was only 8 years old

i hate thinking about my childhood but im not having a very good night and ill be sad if this gets flagged or taken down because im talking but i dont really know how tumblr works and what posts get taken down so im just going to censor some things because im writing these posts for myself while my counsellor is away because i dont remember what i want to talk about a lot and there are some important things i should talk about that i forget about and i think she would probably want to know about this

if anyone out there that isn’t me who is actually reading this i hope you are having a good day or night and thank you for reading everything i have to say. i hope you’re doing well i’m going to try and go to bed now and i hope i can sleep ok

i love you make sure you drink water and know that there is someone out there who cares about you

[summerlycoris]

No actually im gonna go more into depth about why i dont like the donation asks because its been irritating me and also rent lowering gunshots.

The guilttripping about donations compaigns stalling- "they havent received a donation in three hours"- is something I'm seeing more and more. "Don't just reblog- donate!" Is something I'm seeing more and more.

All while the amount of people asking for donations is only increasing.

Its like. A lesson that triple a studios havent learnt about live services but applied to something far more meaningful than videk games- people have limited income. We don't have endless money. (Or time, for live services) generally there's only so much anyone can do. My day will always be 24 hours long and my paycheck will be the same each fortnight, unless I'm sick then I get way less.

And the people reblogging the fundrasing posts? From what I've seen in my circles?

They're teens. Some of them are still in high school. Theyre optimistic- they want to change the world! That's what's great about them- but they dont have money. Because theyre young and in school. If they don't have a part time job, they probably dont even have a debit card. They can't donate unless they beg their parents to donate using their cards. If theyre in collage and dont have a job, they're living on thejr parents dime and probably dont have much disposable income either. They may even have to run purchases by their parents.

And their parents are (hopefully) seeing the same red flags I've been seeing.

In the past- there was that understanding. People are young. Theyre teens or in collage or just not fucking wealthy. This site is kind of like twitch- the same $5 passed around in a circle, trying to help people when you need help yourself.

So nobody would guilt you for signal boosting donations posts. Hell- they'd ask you to signal boost if you couldnt donate.

And now? Well its like I said- an extinction burst. Older people with more money are seeing the red flags and avoiding these posts> so the only people engaging are young. But they cant donate> so the donations arent coming in as fast anymore> so the posts and asks get more guilttrippy. For something the teens can't even help.

Its just mean. To target them. To try and scam teenagers and then make them feel bad for not being able to give you their nonexistent money.

Like. Thats what grinds my gears. Its not even mean with a PURPOSE- a guilty teen isnt going to make money appear into your bank account out of nowhere. Guilting adults at least- that sucks. Elders get scammed out of their life savings every fucking day. But we can at least do something to appease that guilt. Whether falling for it or donating elsewhere. We've got options. And we have (hopefully) the life experience to know that a grifter guilting you isnt the end of the world. You're not actually a bad person for not wanting to be a mark.

Its. Honestly its predatory to target teenagers for these posts. Not sexually, thank god, but financially.

Thats why i turned off asks, and why i havent been engaging with these posts. Reblogging these posts just means I'M standing by and letting it happen. Im allowing them to be taken advantage of if I let these posts slide.

I could donate to these bots. And ease my conscious. It wouldnt put me in debt. I feel bad when i see someone begging for their family and scroll past. But I need to look out for people around me, too.

[ghost-go-roasty-mctoasty]

Yk I've been thinking about this and while yeah theyve both gone through much growth together, I think that in terms of their co-dependency they genuinely just got worse.

My original post was worded to be more funny but what i was trying to get across was how Sam, still so young, possibly still with hope of going back to college, threw down everything for 6 whole months to try and bring Dean back. Like he genuinely became quite unstable trying to fix it. And even looking further than s3. In s4 Sam tried to trade places in hell with Dean to save him. Thats insane??? He literally begged a demon to send him to hell just so Dean could be alive and safe. And then ofc s5 when Sam actually did go to hell to save his brother, well, his brother and the world, but mostly his brother. Because what helped him gain back control from the Literal Devil inside of him? It was the fact that Dean was getting hurt.

And then after getting his hell memories back. What kept Sam sane? Making Dean his number 1 rock. And lets go even earlier when Sam was in his hell induced coma after Cas broke his wall. The fact that he was even able to stand, let alone walk all that way to Dean. And he was able to do it simply with the will power and the need to try and save Dean. Because whats the point of going on if you dont have Dean?

S8. Sam literally asked for forgivness from God to forgive him of his evil, treacherous sin of....letting Dean down. Sam genuinely believed that the way to make himself pure would be to repent for letting Dean down. And if that doesnt show how unhealthily attached there are....

And then, they had the opportunity to rid the earth of all demons, and what did they do? Left it as it is. Because Dean basically said that he can't live without Sam, and Sam didnt want to let him down again. He left all the pain of the trials behind simply because Dean didnt want to live without him.

Fast forward to s12. Sam didnt really care about his general well being with the bmol because well, Dean was dead. And whats the point of going on when theres no more Dean? (There aint no me if there aint no you)

And i know we joke about it, but even in that prison cell, they both killed themselves just so they could be with each other again. Like they actually made a deal with a reaper to get out of this prison so they could see each other again and accepted the terms that one of them would have to die?? And they both wanted to go so that they wouldnt have to live without their brother

And in s14, the only thing stopping Dean from getting in that box was Sam. Dean even said so himself! Dean didnt go through with the only thing that could stop Micheal because Sam didn't want Dean to give up and leave him...so he didn't.

Granted, i havent actually properly watched spn in a while, so i might be missing some details, but Sam and Dean have been through so much together, that its just become genuinely impossible for them to live without the other. I was just talking about Sam here but theyve both shown the extreme lengths they would go to to basically make sure that they dont have to keep going without their brother (soulmate)

So no, i genuinely do not understand how sam was even able to walk out of that barn, let alone move on and start a family. After growing up in such awful conditions, being dependent on each other since Sam could walk, their situations only getting worse after they reunited...for lack of a better word, theyre literally addicted to each other. Its not normal.

So after saving the Whole World, and finally getting their lives back, I dont see how Sam could let go that easily. Because theyve lost a lot of people in their lives, but they were always okay as long as they had each other. They were living together in the bunker and were perfectly content like that! They were probably even allowing themselves to think that they could grow old like this. So, i highly doubt that Sam didnt even at least try to bring his big brother back. No way he'd find it okay for Dean, after everything, to leave him like that.

And yes, i get it, theres no more chuck writing their story so hes not going to get a big fancy main character ending, rather a normal hunter ending, but still

Because these two are basically in a symbiotic relationship cmon

How can mystery spot Sam be carry on Sam

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

ok genuine question here and im asking you because you seem to allow for thoughts that are not generally popular in the fandom to be at least heard.

i see this sort of narrative in the Beatle fandom space about how paul let john down during the period of india and/or apple (whether it’s because you think something happened in india or paul just generally not supporting john during this time and not seeing how things are around him). specifically im thinking about the discussion around john dealing with a worsening of his mental health at that time (ex. calling a meeting at apple to announce he was Jesus Christ, going on an lsd binge after he came back from india) and just overall deteriorating of his mental health which was in no way helped by the unfortunate tragic death of brian, and let’s be honest the exhaustion of having that level of fame for years now. and with this ive seen people somehow blame paul for this, or chastise him for supposedly knowing everything john was going through at this time and not doing anything about it. and idk but it just seems a bit too simplistic of an explanation? like humans are much more complicated than that. I mean even if paul had been witnessed to or known all of the things john was going through at the time, how would he even begin to understand it? if it’s a matter of “well paul should have seeked some help for john”, well in those days, specifically in Britain, psychotherapy was rarely talked about, let alone taken seriously. there’s actually quite a few instances where John’s talked about his reticence towards therapy and psychiatrists during the 70s when he’s speaking about how he and Yoko came upon Janov’s therapy. so i really doubt paul would have been able to contribute much more to the conversation about how to truly help John during this time (especially considering he never even went to therapy despite everything he’s gone through only until after Linda died - which was a full 30 years after all this).

my point being, i know people like to shit on paul for his lack of methods in helping John through this time (and i admit i was one of those people who looked down on him for it for a long time), but like, what was he supposed to do, im genuinely asking?

there is the suggestion of well he should have allowed the Beatles to take a break, but i think if we were to take a look at the pattern of how paul seems to deal with trauma and sadness, for him it was music that gave him solace. and i think we tend to forget that these boys honestly probably all suffered from some sort of some mental health condition - be it anxiety, depression, substance use disorder. and each of them had their own way of coping. For paul, it was music. so i don’t think he would have even been capable of taking a break (during the height of this crazy fame) without it driving him probably to a brink. i mean he’s even said that at one point he thought it was the only thing that gave him purpose. And yes we could say “well he could have just made music on his own, a la George and wonderwall” but honestly wouldnt that have even caused more problems? Once the McCartney album was released john had mentioned in an interview that he always knew Paul had wanted to release a solo album, and we already knew of his issues with Yesterday and the Family Way so wouldn’t that of just enforced something in John’s mind that Paul was trying to separate himself from him and the group?

Also, let’s not forget there were other people aware about John’s state of mind during this time: George, ringo, pete Shotton, derek Taylor, etc. it just doesn’t make sense to me how the onus should somehow fall solely on paul? I mean that was the whole point of that Apple trip? Derek and the others thought that a trip with just paul and john would somehow level John or calm him down, like what? that’s not how mental wellness works..

And finally, a final detail that often goes missed is the fact that paul was high for like 95% of this entire decade. Ok sure he wasn’t doing too many psychedelic drugs but the man was high off weed almost every single day during this period, I mean it should be common knowledge at this point he was co-dependent on it (even throughout the 70s). so how are we trusting this guy to be somehow the effective caretaker or the one who should have the most sense, like? he was stoned out of his mind for most it (which probably speaks to his mental health and way of handling his feelings of anxiety and grapplings with fame but that’s a whole separate discussion). but my point being, i wouldnt put the whole blame on paul as being the sort of John-whisperer and having to know and do what was best for John. My whole take away from reading about this band during their later years is that none of them really knew what was best for the other, which was why inevitably they had to make the break, i mean it’s not unheard of.

sorry if anything from the above was incoherent, functioning on 3 hours of sleep.

You're making perfect sense anon and I do largely agree! Always glad to hear different perspectives by the way and honoured you feel safe with me <3

I think most people don't in fact mean to imply that everything John went through was somehow Paul's fault or Paul's responsibility to solve, but the way we talk about them on here is so often shaped by our (often quite specific) view of John and Paul's relationship, that it does come off that way. It's like this JP-tunnel vision, which leaves Paul as the only available actor around.

(I talked about this in a textpost not long ago)

I also think sometimes people take John's complaints about how people (and Paul in particular) hurt him too literally; I think he had a very hard time deconstructing the complexities of his own traumas and understanding how they came to be, which led him to placing the entire blame on few people/things – see: how reductive he gets about the way his parents messed him up on POB.

[messrmoonyy]

The fluff 49 with Remadora!!

I literally used to always just write from Doras thoughts yet here I am now obsessed with writing outta Remus’ head. Jealous Remus. We love to see it. Prompt from this list.

Prompt: ‘ is somebody jealous? ‘

Pairing: Remus lupin x Nymphadora Tonks

Warnings: mild language

You can find all my other writing on my masterlist and remember my ask box is always open, so drop me a request! Check my masterlist for who I write for!

Remus didn’t think he was a particularly jealous person. And he had plenty to be jealous of when he thought about it. But it just… never crossed his mind to be jealous. He was too far past having an emotion so useless, jealousy would never get him anyway. Being jealous of a man with more money than he had wouldn’t magically make a hundred galleons appear in his pocket. Being jealous of other people his age who were settled down with families wouldnt make his family return from the dead. Yet…. There he was, sat at his desk in the Grimmauld place library, practically seething.

He knew he was being ridiculous. Completely. But watching Sirius and Nymphadora laughing on the other side of the room was making his blood boil. He felt a little stupid in fact, they were related after all. But. The Blacks did have a bit of reputation for that didn’t they. And there was the matter that he’d heard Harry talking to Hermione about how he thought Nymphadora and Sirius were secretly a couple. And of course to top it all off Sirius had, and probably always would be, an absolute ladies man.

He didn’t really have a right to be jealous. Yes he and Tonks had been getting very… close, if that was even the best choice of words. He didn’t think close did justice right the several bouts of snogging he had found himself in a multitude of places around Grimmauld place. Only the previous night on the exact sofa she was pratting around on with Sirius now. Not to mention the nights Tonks snook into his room, or cornered him in the back of the library. And there was that one time he’d practically jumped her in the drawing room after a meeting. But there hadnt been any real discussion on what they were.

The only vague discussion being after their first kiss, when Remus has avoided her for a good four days after. Wracked with guilt that he’d let his self control slip. But she’d cornered him in the kitchen and forced him to confront the situation head on. He’d tried to tell her it was probably a mistake. That he wasn’t exactly the best of choices for her. But she’d told him he was ridiculous, that she didn’t care about his age. His condition. But there hadn’t been a talk on their situation since. He didn’t like to bring it up. Maybe it was simply casual for her. A late night hook up when she had stress form work to blow off. So he couldn’t be jealous could he.

But he was. Insanely so. His grip tightening on his quill as Sirius flung another awful joke at her and she threw her head back with laughter. Remus didn’t get it but she clearly did. He tried to distract his jealousy away by focusing on just how beautiful she was when she was laughing, how her eyes crinkled at the corners and her cheeks flushed pink. But it didn’t work as well as he hoped. Because if he noticed those things. Sirius must too.

“ if you two are going to continue being so noisy then would you just leave. Some of us are trying to work “ he snapped, slamming his fist to the desk for good measure. Sirius made some grumbled remark about Remus being a bore. But he didn’t care enough to pay attention.

“ ooo Tonksie that’s his professor tone “ Sirius said in a loud whisper before laughing again and nudging Tonks with his elbow “ sorry sir. Detention for talking in class? “ they both burst into laughter, Tonks steadying herself with a hand to Sirius’ shoulder. Remus sighed and tried to ignore them, his knuckles turning white around his quill. “ oh come on Re. Have a drink, lighten up “

“ I’m not in the mood. I’m trying to work “ he grumbled, purposely not looking over at she’d Sirius now had his arm slung around Tonks shoulders. He was being ridiculous. Though Tonks seemed to pick up on it.

There was then some hushed talking between the two of them, that his heightened senses would’ve allowed him to hear if he cared enough. But instead He huffed and looked back down at his mission report. There was the creek of the library door as Sirius left with another remark about how boring Remus was and then quiet. Assuming that Tonks had followed Sirius out of the room he debated on going to find her. But a few moments later her arms looped around his neck from behind him, her nose brushing against his cheek.

“ is somebody jealous? “ she said quietly, mischief evident in her tone. He’d hoped he hadn’t been so obvious. Clearly he had. Of course he had. He wasn’t exactly well practiced in the art of hiding his affections for someone. And besides, Tonks could read him like a book.

“ I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about “ he felt her smile against his cheek and she tightened her hold on him, bringing her chin down to rest on his shoulder.

“ he’s my cousin Remus. I might technically be a Black by name, but not by nature. Not really into the whole ‘ fuck your family members ‘ thing you know? Especially not Sirius. Merlin. It’d be like shacking up with a brother or something. Nasty. Ugh now you’ve put that imagine in my head “ she shivered at the thought and he couldn’t help but smile.

“ you said yourself he’s handsome “ he pointed out, remembering the conversation that had actually lead to their first kiss, in a much similar situation to the one they were currently in. His so thought non existent jealousy coming out to bite.

“ doesn’t mean I wanna shag him Remus “

“ you always have such a way with words “ she laughed lightly and moved around in front of him, hopping up onto the desk and folding her arms.

“ I’m quite offended actually “ Remus sat back in his chair and watched her intently. Her cheeks were flushed slightly from drinking “ I mean come. On. Remus. You’ll be saying I’m shacking up with Arthur next because I laugh at his dad jokes “ when she put it like that he guessed he had been a bit irrational with his thoughts.

“ I heard Harry talking about it with Ron and Hermione. I think most of the kids believe you and Sirius are up to something “ she scoffed at that and quirked an eyebrow.

“ so you’re listening to the theories of the most unobservant boy in the entire country? I mean I love the boy I do, but I think he needs a new pair of glasses. His clearly aren’t working well “ a small smile tugged at his face then, Harry was a bright boy but he did have a tendency to be quite…. Oblivious. To everything. Tonks was quiet for a few more moments before tilting her head to the side inquisitively, chewing lightly on her bottom lip. She looked deep in thought “ so what’s this really about then? “ Remus frowned and raised his hands as if in mock surrender.

“ nothing. I told you I heard Harry and the way you were with Sirius.. it’s nothing “ she rolled her eyes and hopped off the desk, stepping either side of his legs and wiggling to get comfortable in his lap. His hands flew to her waist, unable to stop himself as she placed her hands to his shoulders and titled her head again.

“ Remus “ her voice was slightly sterner but she was smiling at him “ you can talk to me. You know you can “ he debated telling her the truth. That he was just getting jealous because she could do far better than him. She could have whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted. And he was scared to lose her. What they had, whatever it really was, was great. Remus hadn’t been so happy in a long. Long. Time. He didn’t want to push too far and send her packing. But he didn’t want to hang too far back and have her run off to someone else. It was a constant dilemma in his head.

“ you and I “ he started, not really even sure where he was going with his speech “ it’s good. It’s. It’s marvellous “ she laughed a little and nodded with a tight lipped smile.

“ it is. Though I sense a ‘ but ‘ incoming “ he sighed and fiddled nervously with one of the beads on her shirt. They were haphazardly sewn all over it and he wondered if she’d added them herself.

“ I’m just waiting for the inevitable “ he said after another short moment of silence. Deciding now was a better time as any to tell her. She was stubborn and she had him right where she wanted him. So it was going to come out there and then whether he liked it or not really.

“ ‘ the inevitable’ being?…. “

“ finding someone better- no now before you make that face let me finish. Please “ she had sighed as soon as the words left his mouth, sitting back slightly with an eye roll.

“ Remus we’ve talked about this. Can you just get it into your head, that I fancy you. Not Sirius. Not some random ‘ someone better ‘. You “ he couldn’t lie that the words made his heart pound just that bit faster. The confirmation being all he’d really needed. But there was always going to be that worry in the back of his mind. It would never go away.

“ I know. And maybe I’m a fool to keep bringing it up. But you have to admit that I’m not exactly at the top of most peoples most eligible list “ she took his face in her hands then, making him look her in the eyes. He’d noticed she didn’t change their colour very often anymore after he’d made an offhand remark about how beautiful her natural brown eyes were. They were captivating.

“ no one else bloody matters though. You’re at the top of my list. That’s all that matters. Maybe I’m mental. Maybe I’m not. All I know, is you’re one of the only truly decent man I’ve ever met. You don’t make me morph. You’re so respectful it’s practically dripping off of you. And you’re proper fit too which is totally just a bonus “ he hoped she couldn’t feel his cheeks heating up under her hands. But her smile told him she probably could.

It was odd for him to look at her and think that some one could ever even have the nerve to make her morph for them. To fit their idea of what was perfect. He thought she was marvellous in whatever form she thought was best fitting for her each day. He’d never dream of making her change. In his eyes, there had never been a more perfect specimen of a person to walk the earth. She made him laugh. Made him feel normal. Cared for. He couldn’t believe she would ever have eyes for him. But she did. And he guessed that miracles must truly be real.

“ I’m sorry for being so jealous “ her face softened again and the backs of her fingers brushed over his cheek.

“ it’s fine. I mean. At least it shows you care? “ she laughed a little and he felt his tension melting away a little.

“ I do “ her hand crept towards the back of his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair and she shuffled a little closer again.

“ good. Now stop being a mope and realise we’re on own again “ she whispered the last part, her face inching closer so he felt her breath on his lips. And with a smirk she caught his lips in hers.

[momoliee]

It’s probably too early for The Meta No One Asked For That I’m Gonna Write Anyway about XQC, alas…here we go

Dr. Xie Qingcheng, 32, male, straight (so far), 180 cm with only one current family member.

Xqc is introduced as a cold, aloof and apathetic retired doctor who has no passions, cares about nothing except for his sister, and unless he’s angry, you can barely get an emotional response out of him.

Through meatbun’s character notes on how he has no favorite food, no favorite color or animal, no personal preferences outside what’s most practical and how he’s very very responsible and rules abiding and honest and sober and serious, and through he yu’s POV that continuously paints him as this heartless cold blooded person, I dare say we were…deceived by this so far shades of gray picture we had of him.

Xqc was born into a finically stable middle class family consisting of two cops for parents and a younger sister that came into the world 8 years after him. When he turned 13, and his sister was only 5 at that time, his parents were fired from their job due to a case they shouldn’t have been investigating going wrong, and they had to move to a rural area. Not long after that, he witnessed both his parents’ deaths and saw their corpses with his own eyes, the site was bloody and there’s no way it didn’t traumatize a pre-teen like him. He then was tasked with taking care of his sister, becoming a doctor despite not wanting to, owing others favors and spending all his money on smth that’s yet to be revealed instead of enjoying it. He got married, not to a woman he loves but to someone whom he thought of as “suitable and appropriate”, got cheated on and went through a divorce before losing full interest in the marriage life. He was finally able to retire (we don’t know why yet) and live a quiet, normal, boring life.

I believe xqc loved his parents, I believe he loved them so much cause in chapter 20, he mentions how he thought he wouldnt be able to live past the grief, he wouldn’t be able to go on or move forward, how the grief completely overtook him. He also mentions how he used to play with knots and handcuffs when he was a child, which shows how close he was to them. So for a child who had a good stable life with two loving parents to suddenly fall from a class to a class, suddenly lose both parents and see their corpses with his own eyes, that must’ve fucked him up big time. I’m talking “when can I fully register all of this” kind of fucked up. But he didn’t have time to fully absorb all of this, didnt have the time to sit down and cry, he had a sister, she was only 5, where will they get the money from? What were they gonna do? How was he going to continue school while caring for her? He didn’t have the time to sit down and grief, to sit down and adjust. For a child who had a normal life and didn’t have to worry much about the money like every other middle class kid, he was suddenly burdened with poverty AND loss, and duty and responsibility. Good bye to the days of playing with handcuffs and knots huh?

You ask me, why does xqc not have a favorite food? I answer you, because many many nights, he didn’t know what to feed his sister, much less himself. Cause I bet that many nights, he would have to give up his portion for Xie Xue, to make sure a kid like her is full. Cause he couldn’t afford to be picky, couldn’t afford to choose; whatever was edible will be eaten, taste and flavor be damned. He had to start working from a young age, balance school, babysitting and working all at once. The last friend he made (I think) was that Chen Man guy whose parents were friends with his parents, back when they were alive and life was good. He didn’t have time to make friends, or go out, or have a favorite color or visit the zoo and decide on a favorite animal. No, he had to study, and study hard to become more financially stable and support Xie Xue, he had to raise his baby sister and protect her, he had to work or else how will he put food on their table? Yet he never lost his soft kind heart, cause when his sister asked for a laptop, he bought her one just so that she wouldn’t feel less than any of the other children.

Xqc had to SURVIVE, he had to make do with what he had and what he didn’t have. He didn’t have time to sit down and cry or process his trauma, didn’t even have time to think of adolescent love or his youthful days or do what kids his age did. And all of that carried forward into his adult life. He pushed his emotions back so hard and had his practical, business like mind take care of everything in order to make it through the days. He started to believe that passionate emotions such as love and hate and lust and desire were all a waste of time, a distraction from his duties, smth that will rock the delicate balance he created with his everyday busy schedule. Emotions will stunt you, emotions will delay you, crying and not going to work today means no food to feed his hungry sister with. That’s when he started thinking, strong emotions are a DISEASE, they will take up your time, cloud your judgement, have you make reckless decisions that you’ll regret later. And he couldn’t afford any of that right? Strong emotions are for the weak, they put you in crutches and disable you from moving forward. Wasnt that what he told his ex wife? If he had submitted himself to his grief back then, where would his sister be? Where would he be? How could they have grown up to be healthy and successful adults?

So this man taught himself practicality and duty and priorities. He stopped thinking about himself, about what he wants and what he feels, and instead started making sure that those around him are happy and content and safe and well taken care of. He no longer had desires or passions, he only had rules and regulations. If a person lost their sense of taste, would they still want chocolates and burgers? Would they still have cravings and foods they’d rather swallow medicine than eat? No. If so, how will they decide on what to eat every day? They’ll simply start following a “perfect nutritional plan” and “balanced diet”. They’d eat what they have to eat, when they have to eat, and in the exact portion they need. To them eating would be another chore they have to do every day to keep their bodies going. Similarly, with xqc, graduating, working, marrying, taking care of his sister and auntie, these all became “tasks” and “chores” that he had to abide by and follow. They became the dietary plan for his life till he dies, the outline he shall follow, the textbook rules he will carry out, no need to think of what he “wants” or “desires”, what will make him “happy” or bring him “joy”. He no longer listened to his emotions when making decisions. Even when marrying his ex wife, he married her cause she was “a suitable match”, not for her looks or personality or anything. Feelings are life’s taste buds, and once you remove them, everything becomes tasteless and mundane, and practicality/logic takes over. He stopped knowing what it felt like to choose based on your preferences, cause he stopped having the luxury of choice ever since that night when he was 13, and he no longer was able to re-teach himself the meaning of free will and choice.

So when he yu, in chapter 20, asked him how he would’ve acted if Xie Xue had died, and he said, “I would’ve continued living as I am today till my last breath,” he wasn’t being “cold” or “heartless” or “indifferent” as he yu likes to say. He was being practical and methodical and thinking with a logical approach, rather than an emotional one, just the way he taught himself to throughout all these years. His almost 2 decades of pure survival mode and severely repressed feelings spoke in the form of autopilot. “I would do what I have to do, what I’ve always done every day of my life so far cause what choice do I have?” Is what he meant to say.

But I believe that he’s a soft hearted, kind and loving person. He never says no his sister, never says no to his auntie, helped that homeless man as best as he could, taught he yu that he was normal and that he wasn’t a monster, believed in treating his patients with words instead of medicine prescriptions, believed that the mentally ill deserve to live normally instead of being locked up. I believe that underneath all the shit he has buried, there’s a lot of passion and love that’s been kept dormant for 19 years.

In conclusion, idk where meatbun is gonna take his character but I genuinely hope he gets to heal, and start having more color and flavor in his life. Start allowing himself to live, not just survive.

[ataritouchme]

today (12/11) would have been nina’s 24th birthday. to my friends and longtime mutuals she needs no introduction. so iykyk.

the weirdly uniquely frequent dreams about her stopped for a while after she died but they eventually came back, albeit less frequent. shes the only real person from my life that i regularly have dreams about. i dont have dreams about family members or friends or even my husband. i never have. she is the one weird exception.

i promised i’d be there when she needed me even after it was clear she hated my guts. but i was a pussy and a coward and ashamed and afraid so when she called me a week before she took her life i chose not to answer. i held my phone in my hand and timidly waited for it to stop ringing and for the call to go to voicemail. she did leave a message. i didnt call back. i should have. i had no way of knowing it would be my last chance to talk to her but even if it hadnt been it still would have been the least i could have done. i wouldnt have stopped whatever plans she already had but i should have been there and held up my end of the bargain.

through it all and long after we were broken up with zero chance of ever being in each others lives again she remained a constant presence even if it was a fucked up presence. i don’t know why i didnt ever consider things might end up the way they did. the fact that she still shows up in my dreams must mean something right? maybe thats just my ego but i sincerely believe it isn’t.

i was there to watch everyone in her life let her down and hurt her and when it came down to it i did the same thing. i was another piece of evidence that she had no one but herself even after her Self was more or less completely gone. the choices i made during our relationship that led to her rightly dumping me and exiting my life i accept fulll responsibility for and i have made peace with them. everything that came after is the shit that really hurts. i wasnt allowed or able to try and help her because she wanted nothing to do with me for so long. i really wanted to do something to help especially right after we broke up and her mental health clearly had begun to severely deteriorate, but the people around her at the time made it clear that wouldnt be possible and as frustrating as that was i did eventually accept it as like.. well, fair enough. but later when she reached out to me on her own terms i chose to let her down again.

suicide is touchy to talk about because you always want to give the victim humanity and agency and making it about yourself is a bad look especially in this specific situation given mine and nina’s history. but in the end when someone kills themselves the only people left to try and understand what happened are the people who are alive… so everyone except the victim. so some weird and maybe arrogant conclusions i think are probably unavoidable. natural even. so i will admit that for many reasons i feel responsible for her death.

and i dont mean because i didn’t answer her random phone call… at least not entirely, because like i said i know that even if i had answered or called back i wouldnt have stopped her or changed her mind about anything she planned to do. i knew that girl too well to think i could have stopped her from doing anything she’d made up her mind to do. that was probably beyond anybody’s ability.

i think many people failed her but so many things still make me believe i set her down her ultimate path to destruction and death. and i dont feel the need to like try and Not feel that way or whatever. it is one of if not the single deepest regret of my life thus far but it just feels like something so undeniably true that trying to not believe it anymore would feel like denying reality. despite the changes we both went through in the years we didnt speak or the time she was not herself despite everything i still knew her. i know she always knew i was a kind of home. thats why she would still reach out every so often even if it was to say insane things to me from prepaid phone numbers. because why else would she do that if not because for whatever reason i was on her mind sometimes? that is why im sure it was all that much worse when i did end up breaking her heart. she was a strong woman. she was self made. she really had nothing and nobody but herself and it fucked her up but she tried her best anyway always. i can’t imagine the pain she went through. if i had to guess she probably suffered that pain her entire life.

maybe this is cringe and selfcentered but ultimately the thing i regret most about not answering the phone that day is the fact she had not heard my voice in years. i heard hers many times from like voicemail messages she’d leave me and stuff but other than that i only ever communicated with her via text post-breakup. i wonder if that was something she wanted. i dont know why she called. i guess it doesn’t matter.

the day i found out she had killed herself the first person i called was my dad. he also had a formative first love kind of girlfriend kill herself so i figured he’d understand how i felt the best. i was in my car in the office depot parking lot just trying to process it all. i told my dad i wished i had been better to her. he understood but he told me that from what he saw of her and knew of her life he believed our time together was probably the brightest spot in her life. i was selfish in so many ways but i did whatever i could for her to make sure she was safe and cared for while we were together. i dont know much about her life and relationships after we broke up but i hope my dad was right about our relationship being a bright spot in her otherwise rocky life. i want to believe i did some things right when i had the power to do anything for someone i loved very much.

i hope wherever she is now she is free. i like to think so, because the dreams are infrequent now and i rarely if ever see ghosts of her anymore. i dont know what happens after we die but i hope she found peace somewhere, either in her final moments on earth or in whatever comes after.

god, even years later my feelings are so fucking complicated. she was a beautiful artist, probably the greatest and definitely truest one i’ve ever known. she was a strong person but her heart was tender. it would be insane to expect her to cope without good consistent support forever. and even if she had that, it would have been Very optimistic to have expected her to ever fully heal. i’m sorry for everything she went through… the things i am at fault for, the things her family and others were at fault for, and the things that were no ones fault.

i know she did her time in hell already so i hope wherever she is now is more like heaven even if it is just nonexistence or some kind of energy or even reincarnation as something or somebody new somewhere else. i know her spirit will haunt me forever even if its not in a literal physical sense anymore. if souls are real i feel like hers has crossed over by now. but i think i will probably be 99 years old and still have dreams about her. whatever the case, rest easy nina. and happy birthday.

[whumpsday]

okay so my many new thoughts r as follows.

pumpkin is constantly on painkillers. would kane ever complain?:))))) OKAY THIS IS NOT EVEN A REAL QUESTION I JUST WANTED TO REMIND HIM OF HIS HORRIBLENESS DJSKKSKSKSKSK

also. hehe. seth wouldnt fully starve him :) starvation is worse and more horrible if its not a full fast, but when the person regularly receives meals that r too small... so thats what kane would get. and on that note, i think it would be fun to let pumpkin's blood drip onto the floor upstairs or even outside, and then tell kane that those drips r the only blood hes getting for a while. but they'll be cleaned up soon, way before the sun sets and he could lick them up safely, so either he hurries or he starves :) i can just imagine the poor man sitting at the edge of the shadows staring at the blood longingly...

also kane would be in for a real treat down in the basement, because pumpkin is Always injured and bleeding. there r always bloody bandages lying around. ... :)

and yes pumpkin would decline telling kane their real name, but now i cant stop imagining a scenario where they think theyre gonna die, and so out of desperation and hope that at least one person could remember them and keep their memory alive, they'd tell kane their name. just the faintest whisper. they'd be rly embarrassed abt it if they survived and theyd ask kane never to use it, but itd also bring them a little bit of peace. seth doesnt even know their name bc he refused to hear them out. but kane now does. he'd remember them...

kane probably wouldn't even notice the painkillers when he first arrives, he hasn't had blood in so long that it tastes like the best thing in the world, and would later assume that's just how pumpkin's blood tastes by default. he wouldonly know if he either saw pumpkin taking them or had a taste of their blood without painkillers. he would absolutely not complain.

if kane is kept in an unbearable enough state as far as the amount of blood he gets, there would be so much begging. he would probably not go in the sun for blood though, not unless he was truly truly desperate. speaking of which... if he's starved enough, especially if pumpkin is bleeding, and he's left unrestrained... he might not be able to stop himself from attacking them. he would feel horrible about it after, apologizing to them profusely on his hands and knees.

this is gross but he would eat the bandages when pumpkin is done wth them. there's no way to suck All the blood from them and he needs more so he would just... yeah. and he would thank pumpkin (or seth if he's down there at the time) for allowing him to.

WAHHH THAT'S SO SWEET... kane would respect their wish to not use their real name, but he would never ever forget it.

some thoughts:

if seth told pumpkin to hurt kane, would they do it? i assume "yes and then comfort him later"? kane might beg for mercy if it gets bad enough.

kane would be completely disturbed to find out pumpkin came here of their own free will. he cares deeply for them, pumpkin is his savior who's kind to him and gives him blood, but... there is the smallest, tiniest bit of resentment for this fact. that he's trapped here to be punished forever, while pumpkin just waltzed in willingly. he would never admit how he feels about this.

due to Everything About Them i can only assume that pumpkin has... family issues... i imagine pumpkin and kane bonding over this if they got to talking about their pasts.

ik pumpkin feels weird about kane treating them with reverence, but how would they feel in the beginning before they get to know each other when kane is scared of them?

kane would try so so so so hard to be good for seth. he wants to be a good pet and avoid pain as much as possible. would seth only hurt kane if he was bad, or hurt kane both as punishment + for writing research, or would he also just hurt him for fun?

would seth ever reward kane and give him nice things, like how he allowed pumpkin to have jello? what kind of rewards would he give kane, if so?