#even if I have to fake it REALLY HARD
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I wanna post happy things. I wanna feel hope and be happy. I'm gonna focus on getting back to where I need to be. I need to rip myself out of the hole I'm in and claw my way out. I greatly appreciate yall ❤️ I hope I can return to being the positive person I feel I once was. Thank yall so much for sticking by me while I've been down.
#I think I am in one of those situations where. I need to fake it until I make it. And I need to focus on appreciating the things that make#me happy#and drown out the horrible#even if I have to fake it REALLY HARD#I'm gonna get out of this homies.#EVERYONE ELSE READING THIS WHO IS IN A PIT TOO#STAY STRONG. TAKE BREAKS WHEN YOU CAN#YOU WILL BE OKAY#I will be happy in spite of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.#I WILL CRY THROUGH IT BUT I WILL FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS from now on
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You ever have those moments where an idea just... won't leave your head?
#dcu#batman#bruce wayne#green arrow#oliver queen#fake tweets#things I was not able to adequately convey in the format:#obviously Bruce's reasoning is really a lot closer to Ollie's but Bruce has a secret identity to maintain and Ollie... well#I don't know if you can make it out but his twitter profile pic is him in the Green Arrow costume and that's not accidental#also I am pretty sure that Bruce does just have the first airing date of The Price is Right saved in a corner of his mind palace#just in case it's ever relevant to a case#and he's angry at Ollie because Ollie knows that and also knows Bruce can't admit it because it would raise too many questions#also I did consider an extra scene where they tag-team harass Lex#but it just didn't sound right to me#also I put a whole load of Green Arrow references in here#Q-Core N_Singh and H_Fyff are all from the Nu52 Green Arrow runs#albeit Naomi and Henry are at least in the good Nu52 runs#obviously this is post-Snowbirds Don't Fly/Hard Travelling Heroes in general so Oliver is trolling Hal and setting up needle exchanges#and even Hal explaining to Ollie what Twilight is is a reference to one of the most dated things about the Arrow pilot:#the extremely tacky Twilight joke#anyway hope you enjoyed!
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sometimes i think some people in this fandom believe they own the characters they like, and this turns fandom experience into such a toxic and unhealthy one. caring and worrying about a character is very different than disliking anything it's done to them because it doesn't please you and your idea of their personality and who they should associate with.
this begs the question as well, how much is this about Agatha and how much this is actually about just petty hatred/dislike towards Wanda and canon discourse towards Rio? because, in the dawn of Agatha All Along's release, she's been the least one talked of in comparison to her witch mates in some corners of this fandom.
[author's note: it's just so funny to see some clearly biased complaints about recent events in the mcu and the comics, such as Agatha's deaging in the recent runs of the comics. it's obvious that she's been deaged, and it's very ill-intentioned to bissfully ignore the exact time period that her character was first de-aged and redesigned: after Wandavision and Kathryn's Agatha. i thought this was obvious, but since it evidently isn't, Kathryn's Agatha isn't Hagatha. it makes much more sense to match a character that has always been secondary and related to others, without well-defined appearance, and with the ability to age herself down, to its more popular mcu counterpart. also, why complain about a character that hasn't even been released yet, that we don't know a single official thing about, not being inserted in the comics? when said character is rumoured to be a genderbent version of an already existing character i.e Emerald Warlock? so now everything is bad because a single character that never even existed until a few months ago isn't inserted in everything that pertains Agatha's storyline and Agatha's only? are you even listening to yourselves? how come Agatha allegedly being ever-tied to Wanda is such an awful issue, but suddenly her being tied to Rio isn't? are the double standards in the room with us right now? these are just a few issues and complaints i have, and i feel it's high time they were voiced]
[apologize if there are any spell/grammar mistakes, this was written in the middle of a research lab meeting]
#i swear it's so annoying to deal with this fake-concern towards Agatha and her 'storyline'#when what some in this fandom are doing is to just complain and tie this woman's every move to a character that didn't even exist until now#this whole 'wagatha shippers tie Agatha to Wanda' discourse became such an ironical self-projection of what's been happening with Agatha#but in relation to Rio and Rio only since apparently Agatha can't exist and have a life without her#it's so unnerving to see these biased complaints about Rio not being in this or that or that's canon and that's not#i feel like it's beyond time some of you sit back and really read what you've been posting and think about it#this obsession in making Agatha depend on Rio and be tied to her is just as bad as tying her to Wanda#and: canonically they're not even a couple#they're divorced and it's very clear from the recent leaks that Rio will be Agatha's antagonist as well as Wanda's#it's saddening really to see how taken with discourse this fandom has become#and again it's ridiculous that some of you are trying very hard to make it seem you're making it all about Agatha#when in reality you're all making this whole ordea to be about Rio and Rio only#because obviously a comic is only good if it has the characters that i want portrayed in the way i want for my own enjoyment!#some of you are really miserable at this point and are trying to make everyone miserable as well because of your own dissatisfactions#agatha harkness#wanda maximoff#agatha all along
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just noticed a plot hole in my mcd rewrite fic, cycles of love
gonna have to go back through all the chapters to rewrite whatever snippets have it
#aphmau#no but mcd is so hard to rewrite. mainly because of something I don’t think jess gets enough credit for with her writing#the plot of mcd is composed like a stack of dominos. where every little thing#even the nonsensical and fillery and crazy things that you think don’t matter or think can be easily cropped out for sanity sake#they build on top of one another and directly lead into future plot points that hinge on the tiniest details#like. for example. when levin is born#originally I thought that was a detail that didn’t really matter so I just changed it so that Matilda gives birth to levin AFTER Vylad#saves her and puts her in Scaleswind yeah?#yeah turns out Aphmau traveling to Scaleswind to meet Matilda in the first place depends on Gene/zenix/sasha knowing what levin looks like#in order to perfectly describe him for the missing child report that Aphmau follows to Scaleswind#yknow. the fake missing child report. because Vylad is hiding Matilda and levin from them and they’re trying to find levin#which MEANS they need to know what levin looks like in order to perfectly describe him#which only would have been possible if levin had been born BEFORE Vylad rescues her and brings her to Scaleswind#so. fuck me i guess LMAO#that is to say you’ll be getting a new scene in chapter one where Garroth and Zenix meet the new baby#when I’m done fixing the chapters#wish me luckkkkk (I want to tear my hair out)
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I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.
#if we were villains is actually genuinely good and has actual literary worth and pulls from shakespeare in an intelligent meaningful way#but unfortunately all i can do is comedy so this is the only fan content i have to offer :(#THE THING IS iwwv is just hsmtmts if it hsmtmts was good and also they committed crimes#they utilize the same parallel of casting choices with real life drama which I love#umm so casting: Meredith would be Sharpay Obvi. I think it would be really funny if James was cast as Ryan bc they hate eachother and would#have to pretend to be siblings working together. And I think ashley tisdale and Lucas Gabreel actually didn't get along when filming#also i love the thought of Ms Jen looking at James and going “i know what you are”#HOWEVER it would be more interesting if james was Chad to Oliver's Troy (which is really just reversing their Romeo and Juliet moment)#bc chad is like nooo don't do theater... stick with me and do basketball... but it would be Coded Subtextually#Unfortunately Wren would be typecast as Gabriella and I don't think that would cause drama bc I don't believe James actually liked her!#I think it was comp het bc she was very sweet and nonthreatening as opposed to Meredith's big flirting energy so she would be a “safe” crus#lets lean into that actually. this gives Wren a chance to have a personality (bc I enjoy this book but it is not good at fleshing out women#So oliver and Wren spend more time together and kind of talk about James a little and Wren is like yeah James is very sweet#and I like him but it feels so hard to get him to feel comfortable with me... i guess he's just closed off and doesn't talk much#we also get to see more of her personality and interests maybe she's like I relate to gabriella because I also like to Read :) feminism#and oliver is like Hmm That Is Not My Experience With Him perhaps our bond is deeper and James does like me Hm#And then Meredith can flirt with him as Sharpay and James gets pissed and in character gets very intense about how Troy can't join THEATER#that's why he's upset and sad bc sharpay represents theater and only that reason and nothing else and he isn't in love with oliver At All#Alexander can be Ryan now since James is Chad (and he's also Gay) and Filippa can be Kenzie bc they're both queer coded#Anyway at rehearsal one day Meredith and James and Oliver are having their fighting over troy moment and then Meredith stops and is like#wait guys. This musical is so freaking stupid. why are we even doing this#and their mutual frustration at their art being turned into a farce is enough to bond them together and they're like#we need to focus on our REAL enemy: ms Jen#and then they hatch a scheme and it's probably like. They dump a bucket of fake blood on her at opening night a la carrie#and then put on their own rebellious production... it still has to be a musical because i like musicals#families with children are in the audience and they're like OK FOLKS! HERE'S ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!#if we were villains#iwwv#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series
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i can't believe there's a multi-episode arc in the middle of kill me love me where the main characters just hide out in a bucolic village playing happy families. this is not gonna end well
#meanwhile the puppy dog foreign prince is having a whole villain backstory happen in the other kingdom#he's finally becoming interesting but every time i see him i'm like well i would like to go back to the fake married couple shenanigans#let's go back to that#also i kinda like the crown prince? he's obviously terrible but he's so into the general lady and like idk. so far very respectful of her#he's trying very hard to win her over but other than his standard amount of manipulation he's not actually manipulating her#like yeah he's lying about her crush being dead but i can't really hold that against him. he's lying about that for other reasons#(the other reasons being he really wants to kill him as part of the whole power struggle for the throne thing. standard shit)#he's no prince yu of nirvana in fire but i'm kinda rooting for him with general lady. even though like. that would be a disaster for her#because he is very much a baddie and he is not going to end well#and when she finds out prince jing isn't dead and the crown prince tried to kill him she's gonna have a real bad time#kill me love me#my posts
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Here’s a bunch of silly messy little sketches for the mungrove peeps
#mungrove#thought abt cleaning these up but I have homework 😔#did billy help Eddie to graduate in 85 or was billy actually a junior when they came to Hawkins#you decide#billy graduated with honors specifically so he didn’t have to wear god awful Hawkins high green#tell me I’m wrong#in any case last one they are definitely in Cali#Eddie is perhaps not as much a fan of fun in the sun as billy#but he persists!#and complains about sand in his converse for weeks even though billy offered him some flip flops#and definitely still gets sunburned despite Billy’s best efforts#they have fun though#he’ll do it again and again just to see billy do what he loves#I do know that’s not what a diploma looks like#I have one#but we’ll pretend Hawkins gives out fake diplomas at grad ceremony bc they think they’re fancier than they really are#Eddie probably doesnt know it’s fake and that’s why Billy’s actually laughing so hard#my art
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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just a quick ask to tell u it makes me super happy seeing the detail u go into when pointing out stuff u like about other people's art of ur ocs :3 it's so rare to see but it's so so motivating!! <3
Thank you! I don't take any interest for my art for granted, and if someone goes through the trouble of drawing my characters for me, I feel like trying to write a proper response is the least I can do. For a visually oriented person, receiving gift/fan art is a huge deal, it means someone considered my goobers worth their time and effort, they've probably been thinking about them more than a little and found them inspiring in a way or another, and I find that terribly flattering. It's extremely fun and interesting to see other people's takes on them. And I've drawn stuff for people as well, I know how nice and rewarding it feels to receive a response that is longer than a word or two. Positive comments like that can linger in people's minds for a long time, at least for me they do.
#this comes with a big serious disadvantage though#it often takes me a long time to write that response#my social batteries are extremely small and a lot of the time by the time I go online I feel too worn out to engage with people properly#I'm autistic anxious and severely depressed my spoons are in short supply at the best of times#I've always had really hard time putting my thoughts into words in a way that I find satisfactory#so I keep putting off reblogging gift art#because most of the time my brain is too smushed to formulate that meaningful comment I want to give#maybe that sounds dumb and fake#but this is something I've struggled with for years and I feel extremely guilty for keeping people waiting like that#often weeks sometimes months even#and potentially making them feel underappreciated and unnoticed#I'm also genuinely very scatterbrained and unorganized and I miss and forget things I'm supposed to do all the time#not to mention that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my mentions and dms and asks I'm only one person#so if you've ever drawn something for me and I didn't/haven't responded yet#please know it's not personal it's entirely my fault I'm kind of a mess#and chances are I'm still very much attempting to get back to you#feel free to remind me if you feel like I might have not noticed your post I really don't mind at all it often helps me a lot#and please if you can don't delete the post even if it seems like I didn't see it#because again sometimes it takes me a long time to respond#thank you to everyone who has stayed endlessly patient with me though I appreciate it#sorry this spiraled into a list of apologies and excuses this is actually something that bothers me a lot#because it's largely a mental health thing but easily comes off as ungratefulness#I'm trying to work on that#answered#anonymous
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I love not giving out personal information on the internet where everyone can see!!! Majority of things I say in tags are bullshit!! I have lied to you and I will lie again because guess what! I do not know you! And also it’s funny, I love making things up it’s so fun you all should try it sometime. For example, when was I born? July 7th, 1987. What’s my mother’s name? Jane. What’s MY legal name? Benjamin Gonzalez. What’s my favorite food? Wheatcakes. Favorite color? Aquamarine. Favorite movie? Velocipastor. My favorite shirt? The one that says “I’m older than the internet.” Is any of what I said true? Hell if you know! That’s for me to know and you to wonder about for the next five minutes. Like sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but I do Not know who could be reading my posts or going through my blog at any given opportunity. Likes yes I have my genuine moments but anything that looks like personal info is more than likely a lie
#making things up is so fun i love doing it#making it so that people i don’t know don’t actually know me is really funny actually#i was raised to be very paranoid and trust nobody not even myself and it’s served me well so far#what do you mean i have a hard time keeping/making friends#this isn’t satire or a joke btw i’m being 100% serious when i say most of you glimpse of me in tags is fake#i just like saying shit#why? i told you. it’s funny :D#also i feel like a lot of people don’t realize how easily someone dedicated could piece together who you are irl with enough info#it’s not as hard as you’d like to think which is the scary part
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i cant believe i have to say this and i know some people are gonna piss their pants over this, but just know the chipspeech fandom will forever be a system-friendly space, and if you dont like that then you can take your ass elsewhere
systems are stigmatized enough and i dont want any systems here to feel unsafe. if this is how yall are gonna treat systems then it really says a lot about you
#''but theyre faking it!!!!!'' you are not the one who determines that - ESPECIALLY if youre a singlet#and even so you shouldnt fucking fakeclaim#this hits so fucking hard cuz ive SEEN the treatment systems get. they constantly get shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!#and if you're gonna resort to fucking ableism just cuz we booted you out of the fandom for being a piece of shit#then that really says a lot about the person you are#i did not fight this fandom with my bare fucking hands just to have people be ableist pieces of shit#this is mostly targeted but im saying this in general. treat systems with respect ffs#like i said - they're stigmatized enough they don't need more shit#ugh#sango hisses#chipspeech
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somewhere out there is an alternate timeline where toby was correct and people actually did hate spamton. could you imagine that. i have to imagine we wouldn't have gotten the spamton sweepstakes in that case which is crazy to think about given how much lore that gave us-
#puppy rambles#deltarune#spamton#my favorite part of the spamton sweepstakes is the part of the q&a where spamton implied he and jevil are divorced#are all the secret bosses in a polycule you think. we need to add to this deranged relationship#diversity win! all the people who were driven insane by being told their world is just a game are in a polyamorous relationship <3#i like to think gaster made a discord for all of them. just like ''hey. sorry for telling you your world's fake. here's a discord. good by'#i don't even care about the secret bosses super much but they still amuse me greatly. even if there's only two of them rn-#spamton is so hilarious. idk why everyone is so obsessed with him but it makes him even funnier to me#also his text in brackets is fun to write. it's also hard to write but you can do so much with it#since it's taken from various places on the internet you can just reference memes#... i mean the one problem is that it'd probably have to be memes from the time period deltarune's in#so like. early 2000's or 2010's#but the valentines don't regard that and reference more recent memes so who knows really#maybe deltarune's actually meant to be in modern times. i mean you could fully convince me#that noelle just likes old internet-style websites and stuff dfskljfdsdfjksfkjlsfkj-#(i mean some of the meme references are up to interpretation)#(but the two definite ones are the war thunder forums leaking military documents and also the hotel mario intro)#(and at the very least the former is a newer thing)#(there's also seemingly references to the ''let me in'' meme and the foam shower images from the april fool's newsletter last year)#(idk where the fuck else ''insulating foam'' would be taken from-)#i hope spamton just randomly contributes to conversations sometimes if you have the dealmaker equipped#i logically doubt it but it'd be extremely hilarious#i'm now imagining equipping the dealmaker to noelle. who was not there for either spamton encounter#''um. kris why's there a voice in my head telling me to be a big shot?'' ''don't worry about it''#alternatively if you just get the dealmaker from the hole in castle town cuz you have another file with it#... can you do that in chapter 2 files. if so then can you technically have the dealmaker while not having met spamton-#''player why is there a voice in my head telling me to be a big shot'' ''don't worry about it''#''i'm sparing you from having an existential crisis later-''
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2024 is probably not my best year now that i think about it
#i mean - let's go over the good ones. i have my own laptop now - i'm doing okay in uni. and I haven't gotten any bad issues with irl stuff#in terms of living i'm doing okay and im pretty content#but emotionally and mentally ? horrendous. I don't think i'm really actually doing okay mentally#im struggling to find myself to be the same person i was awhile back. it just doesn't fit like a puzzle anymore even if it's supposed to fit#whats genuinely saving me from feeling miserable is my current interest which is why i'm really so quick to get excited or happy w it#it's so hard to look at past interests now and not think about the “bad” highlight - even if the good highlights are bigger than the bad#i feel like i'm keeping a facade when i'm talking to people. i feel like im being fake when im talking to people. i just cant find myself to#feel like myself when talking to others. that's why i havent been so active talking unless its close people#i'm scared of not being able to “keep up” with them. feel boring with them. not feeling like ��the jil” they know#i'm tired. and upset. maybe i am bothered after all#being told that i sounded so fake when i talked really opened my eyes. maybe i am fake because i'm tired. but i wouldn't know#Losing a friend really does something to you huh.
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I've written 2500 words today and my takeaway is that this whole fic really is just:
Diluc: I have feelings for you.
Jean: I have feelings for you.
Narrator: The feeling was friendship, but neither of them had ever experienced it realized that it could be just as strong as romantic love (and cause the same magical problems).
#this one is really just 'the problem was amatonormativity all along' at its heart#part of me is still mulling 'wouldn't it be interesting in different ways if diluc WAS really in love#and this was about not actually having an obligation to reciprocate--yes even if it's killing them'#which is a fic maybe i do want to write someday?#but rn i'm having FUN writing jean trying so hard to fake 'in love' that she's missing that diluc is also faking 'in love'#so i am setting that weird guilt at not writing the other thing gently aside and assuring it that it doesn't have to fuss anymore#if that idea wants to be used once this is over i can apply it elsewhere. for now this is about jean and diluc's ouroboros of obligation#fic nattering
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#hi anon#i find it hard to decide if this groupchat was real#what is real is that those accounts have those opinions#so the groupchat part doesn’t really matter#even if this one is fake#there’s probably ones that aren’t#there’s also probably ones from our side that are similar#all in all#people talking shit on members like that is wrong and they should be unfollowed immediately
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I miss the library :/
#i do and dont#the social tension of that setting was very stressful#but the job itself was like a perfect routine and most of my coworkers were great and i do miss them#interacting with customers was sometimes actually quite nice and i felt like i was getting better at it#but there were people i felt were being fake to me or didnt like me at all which i guess is to be expected anywhere#and i really felt my incompetence hard when i failed at certain tasks#id love to just go Hang out there but when i worked there it felt weird bc i was always there#and now it feels weird because i didnt leave on my own terms#and its like a cone of shame around me the entire time#even when said coworkers have seen me since and theyre always happy to see me and like Want to know how i am#and they seemed genuinely sad that i left#but its just so like its such a sore spot that i just cant#we do have Other libraries in the city but thats the best one its my favorite one
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