#even if I dont think I am currently experiencing them fully or at all

[transmandrake]

I would not describe myself as plural or, dissociative in a, constant sense. But I do have moments where I can tell the boundaries between my body, the pilot of my body, and on occasion the 'thought havers' of my mind.

It's rare, but I've had a cold recently and it was quite distinctive with the mild fever disrupting the 'control'.

I am aware in those moments that the 'thinker' has changed from myself in the past, that who I was is no longer with me in a, 'making decisions' sense. I was sort of asking this question to my newest 'headmate' (who i have drawn but only posted in my latest art, its name is Morpho i think) and while I definitely don't have any kind of amnesia between identities or very much 'switching' , it was apparent that those memories are, stored away, accessed secondhand. And well... My memory is so shit, even when I feel completely single they are distant and almost impersonal, and very fragmented.

(air quotes isnt like a doubt thing I just want to clarify I do not believe I experience it, and so feel inadequate to use the terminology confidently)

I think this was something I was progressing towards in my childhood, having to act very differently around my father, my mom, siblings, friends, strangers.

But I think I was taken out of that environment at just the right time to 'reintegrate' myself.

However I had a lot of, in hindsight, dissociative episodes, in school, mostly due to, again in hindsight being very autistic and ADHD, and depressed from the age of, what, 14? And I would say that kept me from, for lack of a better phrase, healing entirely.

I am still compartmentalised, but there are no borders, just... doors that are usually locked. Sometimes theyre open but no one is there, sometimes theyre locked but I feel a presence, and on very rare occasion I see glimpses of them or, as with my fever state, can actually interact with and distinguish them from 'myself'.

I still feel silly saying I'm a traumatised person, since, well, I forgot pretty much all of the really bad stuff, and a lot of it I was of course shielded from.

(Domestic violence warning)

Instead of memories of... I think my dad threw an ashtray at my mom? Or threatened her with a knife?

My only memory of that event is infodumping to a police officer about how many pokemon I could name. It was not a scary experience (copaganda tho. And im white. And autistic so I never clocked that this was Not Normal. Police came to us / our neighbors allllll the time. Wild.)

But nonetheless I bear some form of trauma from it. I got tense approaching Dublin (Ireland) for the first few times because the red bricks remind me of England. It amuses me but it speaks to shallow but definitely present scars.

Is that the source of this? Was it my disocciating in school? I have nooo idea. Maybe it's just The 'Tism.

My uncle has schizophrenia so it's not impossible it's some sort of latent psychosis, but if anything I think I was more 'symptomatic' in my youth, but unable to recognise it, as I had never encountered genuine or nonmedicalised discussions of DID and plurality.

Should I, encourage this? I have no idea. This is definitely part of why I prefer it/they pronouns, it especially. That disconnect, while subtle usually, is and has been a big part of who 'I' am. But I still have my boy days, and girl days. I am just a sort of thing or creature primarily.

If you're still reading, uhhhh. Idk. Hi. If you knew me a long time ago I still care about you but I feel like I've never met you. Maybe I want to but it's hard. Idk who you are but I remember you.

Infinite Metamorphosis.

[stateswscarlet]

Good morning Scarlet, I hope that you're doing amazing!

First of all, I wanted to thank you for all the amount of time you put in explaining the law to all of us and seeing all those success stories, we all know how good of a blessing you are in our life.

So, I've been working on manifesting my ex back for a few months now, more than a year actually, and it's kinda embarrassing to me. I'm naturally a visualizer and have inner convos, but when envisioning scenarios like us hugging, holding hands, and being together again (what I've always done before knowing the law and being in love with him) it feels too good to be true, even if I have a deep understanding of the law conceptually. I know part of this process involves letting go of attachment to the 3D and recognizing that my outer feelings (anxiety, fear) and thoughts (how will he change his mind, he doesn't love u anymore) don't define my true self (the inner man that is being happy and in a rs with him). However, despite this understanding, I still encounter challenges when I attempt to engage my imagination regarding these scenarios. I often feel unfulfilled or disconnected from the vision of us being together.

Furthermore, I've been feeling doubtful about all that lately. Different sources offer conflicting advice - some suggest focusing on feelings, while others emphasize decision-making. I've even studied materials from authors like Edward and watched Tom Kearin (BSW), and while I understand the concepts intellectually and have applied them before with success, I haven't seen significant movement. The only time I experienced progress was when I wholeheartedly believed in my ex's return, even if I wasn't necessarily thinking from the end (focusing on the 3D aka he is going to come back). However, now, as I try to embody the version of myself with him already, I'm starting to lose faith in the possibility of him changing his mind and coming back. Have you ever experienced a similar struggle or doubt in your manifestation journey?

I feel maybe my issue is linked to the "feeling" that I do not understand, do you have maybe some recommandations in terms of source, or YouTube channel or else ? I feel like I'll never succeed in this specific manifestation while I succeeded in others for instance my job and travels... it was so hard for me too bc for more than a year I was jobless and so focused on that, that one day I decided I am going to get a job no matter what and not thinking from the end and it happened while I didn't focused on how I felt, I wasn't like "I need to feel I'm already employed", so I am lost in all of that ..

thank you so much for the kind words!

“working on manifesting my ex back” im really hoping you only worded it like this for simplicity sake to tell me, but please stop identifying with manifesting (at all) or seeing anything as a process bc there is NO PROCESS. there is no work to be, no point A or point B, and no one is coming “back”.

the reason you feel disconnected is because you’re still dominantly believing the 3D as a fact/seeing it as unchanging/dont understand youre SHIFTING TO A DIFFERENT REALITY/STATE and not changing the current one. figure out which one. in other words, youre being accidentally 3D oriented.

“i havent seen much movement” excuse me? wym movement? eradicate that word from your loa vocabulary please theres no such thing as movement. do you HAVE IT OR NOT?

stop looking for more material. no coach or video or book can change how you feel internally if youre just looking for results and refuse to completely drop the outer man and their reasoning.

your sp isnt changing his mind, you SHIFT TO A STATE where you and them are together. the one in the current 3D is NOT the one youre in a relationship with nor will ever be, you have to fully drop that version of him.

if just deciding you have something fulfills you, then so be it. do whatever you enjoy.

[sachiko6243]

The good old Doc - Part 11

Missed the start? No problem, here is the first part, the following ones are always linked at the end, so you dont have to search endlessly. 😉

Summary: Lieutenant Lilith Adams enlisted back in the military, only to be met with a certain cocky pilot. Overcoming certain past traumas, she tries to fit in with the team of pilots as their personal medic. Soon finding her stuck between a certain good looking aviator and her work morals.

This is a series which is currently in the making, so I don’t exactly know how long it is going to be. 😊

Word count: 2812

Warnings: Smut without much plot, dom! Jake, aftercare

Minors DNI !!!

“Call me Lieutenant again.” He groaned; eyes halfway closed.

“Lieutenant.” I whispered, pushing up my hips, inviting him in. “Please, Jakey… I need you. I want you.” His nickname seemed to snap him back to reality. Because as soon as I called out for him, his eyes were back on me. He let go of my arms, bracing himself on one hand, while he guided his cock through my folds. I could feel his tip rush against my clit, immediately jerking towards the pleasure. “You ready?” He asked, still a little worried from my outburst a few minutes ago. I nodded eagerly. “Yes, please fuck me.”

With his jaw clenched he sank into me. Slowly inching himself into my cunt. The stretch was marvelous. Stinging with just the right amount of pain, that had me yelping and holding onto Jake. Instantly he stopped his movements. “I am sorry darlin. Just relax. Take it slow. I don’t want to hurt you.”

I winced, clawing into his shoulder. “How much…?”

“Just a little bit, baby girl.” He answered through gritted teeth. My spasming walls clearly having an effect on him. I was so thankful for this moment, where he took his time, waited for me. Something I had never experienced before. My exes would bottom out in one push, some of them not even waiting for me to adjust to that. But Jake was different. He obviously cared for my pleasure and that’s what had me fully relax into his body.

He smiled, when he felt it. My pussy was still hugging him tightly, but I wasn’t clenching around him like before. Easing in the last bit, he bottomed out. Smothering my face with kisses, while murmuring sweet praises into my ear: “You did so good, darlin. Taking me so well. Thank you, baby.” He stayed like that, until I tapped him and encouraged him to move. And when he did, I swore, I was in heaven. His thick length gliding through my wetness, stretching my walls and hitting my sweet spot deep inside me.

My head fell back in pleasure, eyes snapping shut. He was everywhere. His parfum mixing with the musky scent of sex. All I could think about was him. “Jake…” I breathed, hands blindly searching for him.

“I am here, darlin. Right here.” He whispered next to my ear, fingers interlacing with mine, pinning them above my head. “Open your eyes. I wanna see you.” My eyes flew open, adjusting to the bright living room light. Blond hair reflecting golden. “There you are. God, you are so beautiful. So good…” He rasped, keeping the slow steady pace he was fucking me with going. I whimpered, hooking my legs around his waist. “I need more, Jake… please… give me more.”

“I don’t know, if that’s a good idea…” He confessed, closing his eyes. “I don’t want to scare you, or hurt you.”

“You wont scare me off. Please Jake. I want you to be rough.” I whined, arching against him. “Please. Fuck me like you own me. Show me what its like to be your girl.”

Gritting his teeth, he moaned, stilling his movements. “Are you absolutely sure about that?” I just nodded, eager for what was about to come. “Tap me twice if you want to stop, or say red, okay?” He demanded, locking eyes with me in a way, that didn’t leave room for any contradiction. “Repeat, what I said.” He ordered, slowly slipping into a more domineering attitude. “Tap twice or say red to stop.” I whispered. My body was vibrating against his, eyes gleaming with lustful anticipation.

Jake took a deep breath, a smirk now rolling over his features. “You want me to be rough, baby girl? Want me to fuck you like I own you?” His sharp voice had me reeling with lust, hips grinding against him, desperate for friction. He tsked at my movement. “Such a needy little thing you are… Begging me to rail you. Tell me, darlin. Does this turn you on?” I whined at his words, which made him chuckle even more. “Oh, sure as hell it does. And yet I always thought you were such a sweet innocent girl.” The first thrust was hard and fast, me yelping at the new feeling. The surprise was soon knocked out of my head, when Jake started rutting into me with an unforgiving pace. “I am going to fuck you, until you cant walk for the next days. You will feel everything I did with every movement of your body.” Hitting the sweet spot inside me with such accuracy accentuating every word he says.

I could feel, how I grew wetter at his harsh demeanor. Slick now spreading around my thighs, making lush noises. Jake switch his two hands holding me down to one hand pinning both my wrists above my head, the free hand now sneaking over my body. “This belongs to me, you understand? I am the only one who gets to touch you, fuck you, see you like this. You are mine.” I wasn’t sure if he was speaking to me, or to himself, but what he was saying went straight to my core, making me clench down on his cock. “I want to mark you for everyone to see. Will you let me do that?” His voice was strained, desperate even. The way he begged for my consent, checking in on me every now and then, made me trust him to a point, where I wouldn’t think twice about what he was saying. “Yes, you can do it. Mark me. Make me yours.” I cried out, melting into his hand.

“Tell me, when its to much, okey?” He asked, bending down further, until his lips were on my neck.

“You are never to much.” I whispered, my voice turning into a moan, when his sucked my skin between his lips, nuzzling on it, soothing the pain his bite caused. My body was now burning with anticipation, another orgasm building deep inside my core. “Don’t stop, Jake. Please… It feels so good.”

He hissed at my words, reattaching his lips all over my neck, my chest, my breasts. I was sure I would be littered with purple bruises for days, but I didn’t care. It felt way to good to deny myself the pleasure he was giving. I struggled against his grip, desperate to touch him, hold him close against me. “Please… Let me touch you.” I whimpered, arching my back against his chest. He let go of my arms, steadying himself against the sofa cushions. Instantly I grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down flat to my body. His chest hair teasingly tickling my erect nipples.

“I want you to choke me.” I whispered in his ear. His thrusts falter, nearly stopping. “What?” His mouth was hanging open, shock written over his face.

“Choke me.” I repeated. “And I don’t mean just holding my throat. I want you to grab it while fucking me. Will you do that?” I asked nervously, searching his face for any signs of discomfort. Jake let a hand run over his features. “Fuck… Fuck yes.” He rasped. “If its too much, just tap me, okey?”

I nodded. “Okey.”

His hand moved to my neck, rubbing along the collarbone, fingers wandering over my chin, before he wrapped it around my throat. Locking eyes with me, he squeezed the sides of my neck, upping his thrusts once again. The blood started thumping in my ears, when he squeezed tighter, heat rushing to my core.

“Relax, darlin.” He whispered in my ear, loosening his grip for me to take a little breath. “You look so wonderful with my hand around your neck. Such a good little girl.”

I was now twitching around him uncontrollably, my orgasm approaching in big fast steps. He grinned, when he felt my walls stutter around his length. Not stopping his thrusts, he granted me another breath, eyes glimmering with possessive desire. “When you come, darlin, you are going to scream my name so loud your neighbors will know who is fucking you this good, you hear me?”

“Yes…” I groaned, struggling the words against his hand.

“Yes what?” He growled, shaking my head slightly.

“Yes, Lieutenant.” I whined. “Please… I am close… Jake…” I cried out for him. He took his hand from my neck, leaning back on his ankles, raising my hip to fuck deeper into me. “Louder!” He commanded.

“Jake!” I screamed his name, letting the feeling overtake my body. I could feel myself spasming around him, hips bucking against his hold, back arching in the air. The coil in my stomach snapping hard, ripping me apart in the most blissful way possible. He stopped thrusting into me, keeping his cock buried deep inside of me, rolling his hips. I whimper as his lower stomach rubs against my clit, massaging it the most intimate way I could imagine.

“I want you on all fours, darlin. Have you on your knees for me.” His low groan sent shivers down my spine, walls involuntary twitching at the thought of him railing me from behind. He read my silence just right. Pulling out and getting up from the couch. “Turn around. Hands on the backrest. Ass up to me.” He ordered, staring me down like his prey. I scrambled to my knees, bending into the position he wanted me in.

Jake pushed his tip inside me, stretching me once again. I was still dripping wet from my previous orgasm, giving him no resistance. Trying to get more of him, I pushed back, but he held my hips steady. “Uh uh. You take, what I give you, little girl.”

“Jake…” I let out a whine, receiving a slap on my ass, that had me moaning.

“You like that?” He chuckled. “You like being fucked like a little slut by me?” Giving me another inch, still going torturously slow. Nodding I grabbed the cushions under my hands harder, angerly crying out, when he pulled back. “Then count me in.” His tip was teasing my entrance, when his hand connected again with my ass.

“One.” The tip entered me.

“Two.” Another inch slid into me.

“Three.” I whined, his slaps starting to burn on my skin. “Good girl. Taking me so well.” He whispered, gliding into me with another inch. He bent over me, pressing soft kisses between my shoulder blades and I melted under his touch and praises.

The fourth slap and inch had me moaning again. The pain finally subsiding into pleasure. “Oh fuck…” I whimpered as his cock rubed my walls just the right way, keeping me on the edge of ecstasy. "God, Lilith... You were made for my cock. I am only half way in and yet you grip me so good I am about to come.”

My eyes rolled back as he kept pushing in, accompanied by another four slaps. Eight hits. Eight inches. The last number not far away from a scream, as I felt him deep inside me. He grunted: “There you are…” Wrapping his hand around my hair, holding it in a makeshift ponytail. He pulled me up, until I was pressed against his chest. My ass burning every time he pounded into me. “My naughty little girl.”

“Yes, Lieutenant. Just for you.” My mouth spoke before I was even able to comprehend what I was saying. He slid his free arm around my waist, holding me up, while he fucked me. And I could feel the tip of his cock pressed against my cervix, brushing over my sweet spot every time he pulled out or dove back in. I cried out in pleasure, bucking and twitching in his arms, when I felt the tension building again.

Jakes mouth was all over my neck, biting me, kissing me, soothing his marks with his tongue. “Fuck, darlin… You feel so good. So perfect for me.” His breath ran down my body, goosebumps forming in its path. The hand holding me up, snuck down, fingers pressed against my aching clit, but he wasn’t moving them. “I will fill you up with my cum, so much it will be running down your thighs when I am finished.” A first circle around my clit, taunting me. “You will make a mess on my fucked out cock, while I hold you in my arms.” I squirmed at his words, shivering with anticipation in his arms. He tucked me even closer, to the point, where my mushed brain was unable to tell where he began and I ended. I could feel every movement of his muscles, every breath he took, teeth that clawed on my skin. It was marvelous.

Ecstasy settling in my core like a fussy little blanket. My vision starting to flicker with black spots as his hand once again wandered from my hair to my throat, squeezing it in the process. Hot waves of pleasure washing through my body, shoving me towards my edge. “Jake… I’m gonna come… I cant hold it back… please…” I whimpered, reveling in the feeling of my upcoming orgasm. It felt different from the last two, an intense pressure building up deep in my core. “Hold it!” He growled. Thrust faltering and cock twitching deep inside me. He was close, I could feel it and I bit back a cry. Tears started springing from my eyes, as I fought back against my orgasm. I wanted to be a good girl for him. I wanted to do what he told me to.

His breathing was rigid and out of rhythm as he dove into me with such force, I swore he would have broken the headboard of my bed if we would have made it this far. I could feel his abs tightening as he held me closer, right before he stilled his hips, cock pressed deep inside me. He hissed, a loud growl rumbling through his chest, as he shot his cum down my pussy, painting my walls white in hot seed. Then he started to slowly grind against me, the fingers on my clit moving again.

The pressure in my core was nearly unbearable hot. My moans changing into loud filthy screams of his name and other incoherent words. And than it happened. It felt like a tsunami crashing the coast, as my orgasm washed over me. I couldn't help it, vision blurry and legs shaking underneath me, I collapsed into his arms. He held me upright, taking his fingers from my sensitive pearl, when I clawed into his arm. His hips still rolling against me, cock working against the spasms of my walls. My pussy clamped tightly around him, contracting and milking him of every last drop of his cum. This orgasm hit me harder, than I had ever come before, leaving me breathless and panting in his arms, to weak to even make a sound. My brain was still trying to figure out what just happened, only taking in his praises through thick cotton. “Relax, baby. I got you. You did so well for me. Such a beautiful little girl.”

Slowly he pulled out of me, hands not leaving my body, as he guided me to lay down on the sofa. I could feel our mixed juices dripping out of my core, slicking my thighs with sticky fluid. Jake kneeled next to me, stroking and kissing my face lovingly. “Do you think, you are able to walk up the stairs and get a bath?” I thought about it a moment. “I don’t know.” That had him chuckling against my cheek. Helping me to my feet, he guided me up the stairs, nearly taking all my weight. He sat me down on the edge of the bathtub, filling it with water, always checking the temperature with his arm. When he was satisfied, he turned to me again. “Do you need anything? Food, water, a stuffed animal?”

“Water and some sugar. I dont know maybe a snack bar or something like that.” I rasped, gripping tightly onto the counter to not fall over. Then his words fully set into my brain. “A stuffed animal? Why would I want that?” He shrugged his shoulders, stroking my hair, when he got up. “I don’t know. Some women wanted it, after I was done with them.”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. “You did that to more women?” Now he was holding back a laughter. “God, Lilith. You are too innocent for the world.”

“Am not.” I retorted, pushing his hand away.

“Look, maybe that’s not the best moment to have that conversation, but I promise as soon as we get your head clear and your system fully running again, I will answer every of your questions, okey?” He asked.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Then he was out the door and down the stairs hunting after what I asked for.

[zak-shit]

road trip mental dump

sitting in a car for an 11 hour road trip leads to me thinking quite alot. We are currently about 4 or 5 hours in?

Life has been brutal lately. we lost Lisa, and we lost Tony this past week, I've felt terrible for Candy. I truly don't know how to keep pushing in a time like now. I began to cry for a moment on the drive, thinking of the love I have for those in the car with me right now. and of how terrible it will be to lose them one day. Life is too short yeah yeah.. but holding so much love for people, having these people in your life, whoever they are bring you so much happiness. To just be gone one day? Never to speak, look at you, no breathing, no heart beating? Where does that love go? I think It's still in your heart. I think the happiness, and love you feel for those people are still there in your heart. the memory stays, and when you love someone that becomes apart of you. but the comfort you feel from being with that person is gone. The deep breath of safety, relaxation together. That might be the hardest part, not having the comfort anymore, the hugs, the laughter. The stimulants in our brain that come from those people. I don't know how we recover from losing so much love. I don't even want to imagine the pain at the thought of losing people in my life like my mother and father, sister, my animals, all my friends. I have so many people in my life, which is great, but with the deaths in my life, as well as the people I know experiencing their own. Leads me to think about death as a whole.

The world is so tough, for a moment the other day I had the thought of how nice it would be to die myself. For all this stress to end, to escape this world. But I don't want to imagine people mourning me. That is a pain that never really goes away and I dont want other to experience it.

truth be told I am hot right now, but I have two blankets over me for comfort. It is nice being a passenger for a road trip so far, besides one of my airpods just died so I'm no longer fully submerged in my own music world. I do wish I had the windows down lol but I'm excited to get to our destination and very excited to see snow for the first time <3 Those I love will always be with me, and I will always be with them. I just hope everyone I love knows how much I love them.

This drive also makes me think of my last road trip, when I was just starting things with my last relationship, I was giddy with excitement. Had the playlists for the whole drive they made me. Excited to come home to them. Now I feel silly for that, I feel silly everyday for putting the energy I did into that person. sigghhh what a waste lol

but now Im excited for other things to get home to sometimes. over all im much more exctied for the escape I get the next few days and wish I could be gone even longer lol. this time is just very different and I am understandably, and thankfully in a different headspace/ person. and thankfully so. It's important to change.

This trip I will have a good time, I wont worry how others are perceiving me. I'll feel free. I hope I get a good cry in though, I need it.

[clawcakes]

doin the ask game for @sonic-oc-showdown because i want to infodump about my funny sonics!!! also ft. plucky and lyre even though theyre not in the tournament just cause you cant have one without the other two, man. original post by @/schondezert956 here

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name? puns. tommy: a tom-tom is a type of drum plucky: guitars are plucking instruments lyre: a lyre is a stringed instrument (bit of a stretch with this one but A. i really like the name lyre, B. naming her violet would've been too obvious)

🌼 - How old are they? (Or approximate age range) all 3 are young adults around their early 20s

🌺- Do they have any love interest(s)? does a QPR count as love interests? cus they queerplatonically love eachother so much.

🍕 - What is their favorite food? tommy: she loves ice cream so much she's made her bandmates equally obsessed with it plucky: acorns. they'll find one on the ground and crack it open with their teeth and start dining. lyre: shitty instant ramen. she is embarrassed about this and will instead say it's ���𝑜𝓃𝒿𝑜𝓊𝓍𝓇𝑒 𝒹𝑒 𝓁𝒶 𝒞𝓇𝒶𝓅

💼 - What do they do for a living? they're a traveling band, man! they're The Shooting Stars!! their music has 700000000 listeners on spotify (in plucky's dreams)!!!

🎹 - Do they have any hobbies? tommy: she likes to draw in her spare time. her art style is strikingly reminiscent of sunky.mpeg. plucky: they're the kinda Gamer Girl to accidentally electrocute their controller because they got extremely mad at fortnite. they also like to collect pins and cool rocks. lyre: he enjoys and creates all kinds of art, music is just the one he made his profession. she's knitted countless ugly sweaters for her bandmates (and has to stop herself from crying whenever she seems them wearing one).

🎯 -What do they do best? disregarding the obvious answer of "music LOL"... tommy: she's very skilled at making people feel relaxed, whether it's deescalating arguments or calming someone who's stressed. she has a very Chill Aura that makes it easy to be around her. also, silly bear. plucky: keep a positive attitude! it's hard for anything to ever keep her down. lyre: she's a quick learner and a quick thinker, so she's great at adapting to any situation. her actual response to this question would be "i am the best at anything and everything," said while shaking and sweating and gripping the table so hard it cracks.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do? tommy: repetitive tasks are very calming to her, so she's the designated chore-doer of the three of them. she doesn't particularly hate doing anything-- if it bothers her, she'll find a way to make it fun! plucky: they love exploring, seeing new things and meeting new people and experiencing new thrills. the thing she hates doing most is nothing; she is very easily bored and always needs an outlet for her endless energy. lyre: she loves creating, no matter the form; the art of making art is enthralling to her. he hates cooking because he sucks at it and has managed to make every single kitchen appliance explode. including a spatula.

❤️ - What is one of your OC’s best memories? tommy: she'd think about it for a moment-- her best memory-- then realize she's just listing off every single second she's spent with her bandmates. plucky: the shooting stars's first venture after the band first formed. it was at that moment plucky fully realized this is what she wanted to do, and these are who she wants to do it with. lyre: when she told her bandmates she loved them, and they told her they loved her too.

✂️ - What is one of your OC’s worst memories? gonna be real everyone's backstories are so barebones that i do not have an answer for this LOL. theyre just my funny girls i dont want them to be sad

🧊 - Is their current design the first one? not quite, but almost! i basically knew what i wanted right from the get-go, i just had to fiddle with everyone a bit before i got em perfect. it was very important to me for tommy to be fat and hairy and have Susie Deltarune Hair. V here is their first concept sketch from back in may!

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC? sonic music is so fucking good i heard it and was like I GOTTA MAKE SOME GUYS OUT OF THIS. they were specifically inspired by Fist Bump (Instrumental), which is why lyre is violin and not like bass or something. (their species also came from me googling "woodland animals" on google images because i was desperate for inspiration.)

🌂 - What genre do they belong in? sonic fangame that lowkey looks like it was made in roblox

💚 - What is your OC’s gender identity and sexuality? tommy: aromantic lesbian, girl but you can't tell if she's trans or cis or non-binary or all three at once (she/her) plucky: non-binary, aroace (they/she) lyre: bigender, bisexual. bicycle (she/he)

🙌 - How many sibling does your OC have? tommy: a single older sister (and a niece that she has claimed her younger sister) plucky: an uncountable number. she could list all their names to you and you'd lose track halfway through. lyre: 0, she's an only child

🍎 - What is the OC’s relationship w/their parents like? tommy: her parents "disappeared" when she was too young to remember them-- for all she knows and cares, her uncles are her parents. she sends them letters often. plucky: they love their parents and each and every member of their comically large family! she chats with em whenever and however she gets the chance. lyre: her parents held her to very high regard, expected very great things of her, and taught her all the wrong things. she hasn't spoken to them in a long time.

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK JUST ONE THING MAN. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEYRE MY EEBY DEEBIES MAN. probably their designs (tommy's in particular, she's like my magnum opus).

✏️ - How often do you draw/write about the OC? it fluctuates, as it does with any other of my ocs. at the current time im rotating them around in my mind like rotisserie chicken

💎 - Do you ever see yourself killing off the OC? NO!!!!!!!

💀 - Does your OC have any phobias? tommy is comically fearless. being around water makes plucky uneasy, due to their electricity powers. lyre will scream at the top of her lungs if she sees a spider.

🍩 -Who is your OC’s arch-nemesis or rival? i've vaguely rotated around the idea of making a rival band to the shooting stars, a fellow traveling trio who play emo music and are all super emo (*lyre voice* plucky you know i'm scared of emos!!!). they'd be like the goth to the shooting stars's prep, and whenever they see eachother they immediately get into a fistfight. haven't done anything with the idea though LOL

🎓 - How long have you had the OC? i first came up with their concept in may this year, but i named and finalized them in july! they're babies.

🍥 - What age were you when you created the OC? classified

[fluffyseal322]

Mon Oct 7

My poor sweet buni, she got hurt today by a guy who wasn't ready to be loved. I can feel greatly for her and it hurts me to watch her talk about herself the way I'd be doing the same in her situation. It hurts seeing a part of me in her but it hurts even worse when it's someone I value greatly and understand how worthy she is. To watch her think she became stripped away of any value hits my soul. I wish she didnt have to go through any pain at all and I wish I can protect her from things she didn't deserve. But I know she is strong. I know she will get though it. Even so, I want to be apart of her healing, i want to be of use to her in any way I can Buni, youre my hero in every story.

My thoughts on love below:

Love is a scary thing. How much power it has to change a person's reality is beyond scary. Love is a sacred thing because of how powerful it connects with the soul through all types of relationships. Objects, places, and people. The soul is a very fragile little thing that compacts so much within it. Attachment is an extraordinary feeling. Avoidant is its alternative balance. The soul stores so much energy inside of it, its one of (probably) many things to control your perception of reality very strongly. I will start to speak from experience here... one in first person view and one in 3rd person. Whenever I start to love someone no matter how much I'd like to keep my current reality , love changes my ether. It combines it with my lover's ether and now we my soul expects to go through life together or something but I major reality shift happens. In 3rd person I always listen in very carefully on how love affects others and ive learned that most people will talk about how much it hurt and how they think they changed them for the better when in reality that wasnt the case but they were fully convinced that was so, this is a very common occurence and i can relate to this as well. Some tend to make excuses for the person they love. When a relationship ends it's like a common feeling to feel they lost a piece of themselves or theyre in a completly new reality from before the break up or even a durrastic change before that relationship. No matter what anyone says love is it's own visible powerful energy if you genuinly pay attention and study it's connections to the soul therefor any person who says is in love and truly feels it would understand the level of how important and fragile it is in life. It is not one to be taken lightly, it should be nurtured like a new born baby. Love is a different experience every time you encounter something new in your life. Just how they say hate is a strong word, love is its exact opposite. As obvious as that sounds, sometimes people forget that. I dont blame humans for doing so, love holds a lot and it's so hard to just simply live. If you ignore the good and bad, you aren't experiencing life, youre finding a cheat code or a safe route as if it's more bad than good. Living is equally both. Life is beautiful. Death is even more so and you'll die knowing what.... What's the last thing a person would think before dying? Would they be happy? For what reasons? Is there a right and wrong way to feel when you die? What would god think to them if there even is any god...? I feel slightly sorrowful for beings who don't have a god. God literally lives in everything in an unexplainable way... Maybe it's unexplainable because it's different for everyone. I want love of my own, but I currently fear getting hurt. I want a strong foundation and I want something we can both fall back to to keep me and my lover together. I want like-souls who feel and is open to things as much as I am. I'm not ready to get hurt, but my love is so easily ready. I have so much love in me I can give up every part of what's even left of me until there is nothing. That's why I must be careful. It's even harder getting out of a relationship because every time, I acquire a new fear. I adopt a piece of them in me. I need someone who hurts down in the soul just as much as I do. I want a person who will take everything to heart and who understands how important and fragile a heart is. They can't run away from their pain, I'd hate to have my lover never heal properly and unconsciously spill certain toxic traits on me. As much of it as I would happily and proudly take in, I need them to understand they can't keep attacking me with it. They must notice things that hurt and understand that hurt can come in many sizes, shapes, and forms. It builds a protective state in every new relationship. I hate protective states within a relationship, especially in official relationships. Im done writing about this.

I just want my buni to feel okay. I need to learn how to balance two relationships at once. I want my man to feel okay that I love a girl more than him and not for any of the bad reasons. Just simply understand that she's needed in my life if I'm going to feel safe. It's like you know a person you think will love you most will always be there for you when you come to know they were the one that badly wounded you the most. Or even wounded you multiple times. With every ending relationship you either gain or lose part of yourself, even both at the same time. You are never the same after any certain experience. I must be there for her as much as I can. I must give her all the space she needs when she needs it. As long as she understands that I am here for her and will love her once she makes a return but one thing I will never do is give up on her. Love is patient, love is considerate.

A Prayer that i feel was needed to write down.

God please heal my buni. I know ive been missing prayers this weekend and I didnt show up to church like I said. I hope I am forgiven for it but my body just gave out on me, I got dressed and I wanted to wake up my mom so she can come with me and I wanted to go by myself if she couldnt go but I just didnt get enough sleep, I really wanted to go yesterday morning too. I wanted to see you and pray for things I find extremely important. I promise I will catch up on my sermon. Thanks for everything and keeping me sane and happy. Thanks for giving me lots of strength this week, i knew I needed it. So many changes in my life right now that I'm trying to take in and I'd like help balancing it. Please help me find what is the most important and most efficient this week. Everything that I want to do is care for buni, learn trading with azrael and in hopes understand his learning ways as well(i really hope he doesnt think im stupid, as long as i try my best but ill take to him later about it.) and I want to go to the gym with my girls. Oh and also continue learning japanese as well!

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)

[midwinterwings]

IW and EW is confusing

so...this isnt even remotely surprising but I'm surprised Pikachu abt it, its surprising to me.

When i initially fronted i assumed I'd act similar to in IW but that literally didn't happen. I dont recall I like writing and drawing in IW but I feel the urge to here...and I'm much cooler headed in EW.

The whiplash makes me go ":0" it's so...weird. especially since I'm still 100 percent me, but I act completely different in EW. Well at the same time the front has some...baggage left of the people who used to be here. Theyre gone. Dunno where they are.

One is something that makes me unable to talk, administered by no one, its just like a cage imposed on my mouth that snaps closed and makes me unable to use my windpipes.

Two is a person left behind made by the old host who's become his own independent being and keeps fronting, shoving me aside and bursting into the body in certain situations. Admittedly, they do a better job than me but it's still violating as I have no choice except to be an observer.

Three...the fact I'm...even thinking so much, is...uncharacteristic. Well, I wasn't exactly devoid of braincells back in IW, but like...I definetly didnt think as much. Especially about plurality. It's unnerving to realize I'm one person and there's others as well who may front in future. Because i feel like one guy if no one else is around, but I know it's not true because I can access memories of the previous fronters and they thought they were the only one too. I can't really talk to the other people. I know I'm technically an alter formed due to trauma of the EW body and past but I only know this from the information base and...thing is, my life is completely different to the EW's and especially since the person who was around during the early years of the External body's life, has gone or died or something. He's just not here so me and the others who aren't fronting are just left with...ourselves, since the fact we exist is coz of that trauma that none of us acrually experienced. Oh, and the memories left behind and stored. So I do have the memories to look into but thats it.

Im not really...conscious of the fact I was formed from EW body's trauma. I get it conceptually but not actually. Coz, you see, I got a whole world I belong in, relationships, a past. I straight up identify 0% of me with the External world body's experience and past...to me the trauma was just kinda the conduit of how I am created but its not important to me at all.

There is some things that jar me. Namely my current fixation on plurality since like...I...wait nvm.

Its coz I'm not a facet I'm a whole person. I dont feel like part of a whole. I'm my own individual. And I'm aware of others coz they appear and because I can access memories in the info base, not very well but enough. And I also get mega pissed off if the same stuff that was the reason the system was a system and not a singlet happens again to me, and I feel kind of...an ancient kind of rage. One I as a singular person didn't create, more of the rage and disappointment left over by one of the people who was in the system long ago. In those moments I see the memories of that person as 'mine', usually I don't do that. I can see memories from former fronters but as a spectator although it's first person.

I guess the rage caused by the same triggers that created the external body's early trauma is deeply rooted in all of us, whoever fronts or is 'conscious' and not doing their own thing in innerworld.

The confusing thing is when that happens I kind of revert to singlet mode and kind of...embody the old alter naturally, the one who pretended to be the only one, basically rping as a singlet and adding all external world events and treating them as 'their experiences' and trying to be 'normal' I, on my own, don't identify with a lot of stuff EW body went through. Purely because it literally didn't happen to me in a Literal sense, and that's coz I was only fully formed a few days ago. So it couldn't happen to me. That being said I do feel what the old alter/s felt so it's kinda like being there but I wasn't actually there, still, I do feel their emotions from that trauma strongly at times and from an outside standpoint you couldn't tell the stuff didnt happen to ME, in a Literal sense.

so what am I getting at here. Its that it's pokemon gasp, kind of a surprise and shock fronting after the old fronter was aware of me existing (they thought I was a character they created)

because stuff is just...totally different from what I'm used to. I act different too and like different things. Then again it's not completely true because the things i do in EW are similar to a lot of stuff I did in IW as a young kid, but its been long since I've been that kid, I barely even remember I was him most of the time due to shit that happened in IW. I guess, doing something I used to do as a young kid and feeling a sense of whiplash and discomfort is actually very simular to if it was in IW and my entire point isn't valid.

-> so in fact jts more...on the surface I act different in EW than IW but acrually I do the same things just in a different context and stuff.

-T

[rememberthe1fallofsnow]

as a non swiftie with psychosis, id love to know how she makes you feel seen- maybe i dont pay enough attention to the lyrics of her songs when i hear them, but i had no idea they could make people like me feel seen.

i'd love some reccomendations on particular songs you think encapsulates the feeling of being psychotic/mentally ill in general !!

Hey! Thanks for your patience, I’ve been living hell lately and wanted to give you a thorough answer.

So as a general response (but i will definitely put a list somewhere in this ask with all my recs), I do want to preface by saying I am not and will never diagnose Taylor with anything. When I say “this song reminds me of my psychosis” or “this song is so BPD coded,” it’s my own experience and interpretation of a piece of art that she willingly gave out to be experienced and interpreted.

That being said, I’ll also say that when I say a lot of her songs remind me of having psychosis, it’s not about the staple paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, etc that you may experience (although if anyone has any song recs that do relay that lmk pls lmao all I know is paranoia by neoni 😭😭), it’s more about the slightly more widely experienced, uhhhh, “look” to other people? And to explain that, let’s take a deep dive at uhhhh Blank Space

Ok so the first few stanzas, which I’ll put a picture of here, she’s obviously setting the scene of the song and outright states like twice that the relationship will not last. Before my current partner, that was definitely my viewpoint on things. Knowing my mental illnesses will get in the way of any healthy relationships. That doesn’t immediately spell out psychosis but let’s move.

“Got a long list of ex-lovers; they’ll tell you I’m insane.” So yeah here we get to the meat of it, she’s clearly (imo) acknowledging the “crazy bitch��� label and I think that’s something every psychotic person experiences to some degree, even the cishet white masc ones. Like yeah probably not as much as like an afab person or a femme aligned person or someone else, but you can’t act like ableism is ever fully stopped by privilege. It’s not.

More on being a crazy bitch—she has a lot of songs on this. She has a lot to say. I will keep listening, bc yeah lmao.

Ok this next part is like… really relatable to me?? Let me know if you agree, lyrics I’m about to discuss are the next image.

So like yeah it’s like a fun song and it sounds upbeat n shit and like I do have a lot of fun listening to it, but if we pay attention to what she’s actually saying, it’s like yeah she’s throwing a party but that’s because what else is there to do? She’s tried controlling it, she’s tried getting help, getting better, she’s tried being honest, being fake, nothing works. (She is me I am she). So… guess we’re crazy bitches now

I don’t know if any of this is making sense so far, ugh it definitely made more sense in my head

Anyway thats like a super basic example but honestly the what I would personally call ableism that she has had to deal with is LITTERED in her songs. Whether she’s psychotic or not, whether she has BPD or not, anything else, idc. Even if she’s perfectly fucking mentally healthy. Anyone coming at her (or her fans, or uhhh anyone??) for displaying what look like poor mental health symptoms, whether they are or not, is coming at her with ableism.

Ok let me pull up Delilah’s /sys playlist lmao.

Ok screenshotted below is our alter Delilah’s playlist, two of them are not Taylor so have fun. But yeah I’ll quickly run through a few of them:

Don’t Blame Me—the feeling of being absolutely consumed by love that it feels like you’re high, like you’re losing your mind, like you’re out of control, and loving it

New Romantics—the feeling of wanting everyone who ever abused you to watch you sing the eras tour live on stage 53 times in the States and 30 international, but they can’t afford to come to the Eras tour themselves or even buy that Spotify sweatshirt that they won (bc they’re a top fan because they listen to your music on loop because your success pisses them off and idk i guess they just don’t know what to do with that) so they talk shit about you online on anon on like young girl’s tumblr accounts trying to like “downfall” the swiftie nation but everyone blocks them immediately, they’re an idiot, and ur still singing the Eras tour in 53 cities in the US and 30 internationally so idk who’s winning?

Who’s afraid of little old me?—fuck you fuck you fuck you it’s your fault i’m like this and now I have to fucking clean it up so fuck you and also watch me absolutely destroy your life with nothing but my songs you idiot fuck you

(I got carried away really fast rip)

Ok yeah this wasn’t as good of an answer as I hoped I’d make but I hope it at least made some sort of sense and my ask box is always open, swiftie or not.

[midnightmeetups]

🏷️Source Memories ; Doctor 🧪

Lately ive been having lots and lot of memories resurfacing due to the fact of connecting with Scara and 2nd being around a lot. Some of these of course having to be the worser side of things of my past, that man.

Pantalone and I used to have quite a wonderful relationship at a point of time, always together side by side. We had such a complex relationship differing from envy to love that was never met the same. I know he always used me as some toy to throw his money at, saying how unlimited it is always.

I miss his touch and the way he used to be but its like looking at a ghost. I know the man I once loved and had a life with has gotten lost in his own delusions, never to return to sanity.

The way he looked draped over the the bathtub with suds in his hair looking doe eyed at me wanting me to join, even though I despise the sight of this disgusting vessel. He was the first one to teach me that im not all just a disgusting monster or creation. He would gift me such luxurious accessories to show me I am beautiful and not as vile as I think. For a while it cured everything I had ever wanted or needed until 2nd was created, it all changed then.

He lost the spark that was once so bright, dulled with an emotions unaware to my brain, never seen or experienced before. He would get violent with the segment breaking or killing them, making it tedious to keep rebuilding 2nd as he was the main victim of this.

One night has always haunted my memories. The night when I came into his office looking for him as he was in the bath. He was in such a foul mood which I took as a joke, as most times, yet this time was different. Earlier the day he had broken another segment of 2nd, which was the previous one to the current, pissing me off pretty badly being the topic of finding Pantalone. The night was such a rush from him being loving to him almost shooting me to being fucked on the floor. I honestly think this is one of the last time we ever had sex between us and not him fooling around with a segment. I left that room that night covered in cuts and blood thinking; that this is the last time I will walk the walk of shame down these empty halls.

He after that slowly lost interest in me from what id assume lack of me being around at the time due to some … projects to put lightly. During my time away I was aware of the interactions he would take with the other segments, mainly in 2nd due to his insanity and obedience. I dont dare to push at that nor want to fully know not wanting to understand the intentions he has with 2nd. A poor projection of an old me he used to love dearly that will never be me again? The fact I had grown tired and bored of the treatment? Had bigger projects and goals that he did not approve of nor think I could archive and yet~ My god is stunning.

Wow I have ramble some so I think this is plenty of emotions off my chest now~

— Il Dottore

[schizopositivity]

Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?

I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.

first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.

heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"

as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.

id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.

i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.

[rrasado]

Are you comfortable with uh- doing the obey me demon bros reacting to an MC who has DID having the bros as an introject alter? You dont have to if ur not comfy tho ofc

Which You Are You

I’m telling you all now I am no way experienced in writing about themes like this, nor do I experience this myself/know someone who does, I'm only relying on what I have from research so if you happen to find any offenses, mistakes and or misconceptions please don’t be afraid to tell me so I can fix it! Thank you dears. 💙🌒💙

Mentions of: Mental Illness

When you have Dissociative Identity Disorder: (under the cut)

Lucifer

Whether it was listed in your document in preparation for the exchange program or not. The first born will also be the first one to actually catch on to your condition.

But the How part is a bit...slow even for him. At first it might've started when he'd hear small talk from Mammon his brothers concerning the exchange student. Given your blank nature during first impressions he was not expecting to hear words of comparison between you and him.

Initially he was at least delighted, another responsible figure in the House of Lamentation instead of another person to look after? His wishes have been granted- that is...until he realizes he rarely sees these so called similarities between you two when he himself is with you.

After nitpicking whether he's being pranked by his brothers or you. He'll come to decide that observing you himself will be the best course of action. And in his observations did he find out what's truly at play.

"You humans tend to succumb to all sorts of hindrances... we must tend to this efficiently"

He'll ultimately end up being your personal tracker in some sense, especially with you having alters akkined to his brothers, he's the best at dealing with every single you. He may not voice it as much but he's come to grow a soft spot for you, after all... you make him remember what it's like to deal with his brothers when they aren't busy talking behind his back. A bittersweet mutual benefit noh?

Mammon

If Lucifer wasn't the fastest to catch on, Mammon would've been the next contender. The guy spends the most time with you, so expect him to actually vocally point out the eerily different behaviors you display in different times. Especially when your certain Lucifer alter comes out to scold him.

Only when he ranted to the poor avatar of wrath did he consider that this little quirk of yours might actually be more than just, well...a quirk.

Tries making it a game on which alter is currently out, he's correct 50% of the time. But hey at least he's trying-

Will not hesitate to put any lower level demons at school back in their place for making fun of you.

"OI! Ya'll are just cowards hiding behind the damned walls! Well newsflash you bastards wall can talk!-"

Believe it or not, he'd be the first one to actually get used to your condition. And whe that fact comes to light god- he won't shut up about it. Who else would understand the human most? None other than the great mammon of course!

Leviathan

Levi...surprisingly thought of the possibility the fastest- but he's one of the last ones to actually let it sink in. He probably thought of the possibility because he saw it in an anime once, the main character used their multiple personalities with different powers and- wait he's ranting.

on a more serious note, the only reason he doesn't get the hang of you the fastest is because he kept comparing your alters with character he know, which would sound helpful but- he misses his shot when interacting with you a lot, easily slipping and thinking you're the character and not- you.

But once he does, it's as easy to him as completing a cunning minigame puzzle in a video game. As long as he executes the right keys he'll be fine, right?

Ah levi...that's only if you know which one you're talking to. But when he hears of one alter that oddly acts like him? He'll finally learn how to slowly deal with, himself..?

"Eh? This is like dealing with a mimikyu...hm? ah-"

Overall he's on the "finds your condition dope" side of the spectrum, but that doesn't mean he dismisses the struggles that come with it, he may not be the first person you'd go to when seeking help but when you do...he'll at least open his door for you.

Satan

In his case the only reason he wasn't the first to pin point what's really at play is because he doesn't spend as much time with you as the others. His only basis for making a conclusion are your short morning greetings and when you see each other at the RAD halls.

And since he only has little basis, the realization only strikes him when he hears talk from his brothers how you acted in class with them. Cue to the fourth getting confused because hey you just said good morning to him and you didn't act that way- wait a damn minute..

"I hope this doesn't come too sudden but, would you like to hang out more?"

His hypothesis gets confirmed the more he spends time with you, and unlike the first born, he smartly deals with you via logical reasoning, especially when your more childish alters come out? He'll squint to see any patterns he can concoct counters for in any given situation.

In short, the man is a living breathing clip board of your situation. The others know they can't ask lucifer for advice despite knowing he's the one who absentmindedly deals with you the best, so they turn to the avatar of wrath much to his dismay for insight on you.

Asmodeus

The Avatar of lust is the last to adjust to you, most likely because he doesn't really pay attention to your behavior and mannerisms unless it's posture and if it affects your overall projection.

Deals with it the... least effectively, no asmo you don't- give special clothes and makeovers per alter- though the sentiment is very much appreciated.

Asmo is asmo he'll deal with it in his own style, which again isn't the best way to deal with it but- He's trying, trust me he really is. It shows when he finally gets the tick to ask satan.

And as such expect slow subtle changes with how he treats you, he doesn't wanna make his favorite human uncomfortable! But I think he's the best at relaxing you after a draining experience with one of your more energetic alters.

"Dear you should sit down for a bit- Here let me take care of you"

Depending on where you manifested your disorder from, he'll try to take it slow and easy for you, besides, he knows that there's more to you to unpack, but he's determined to fully accommodate you! no matter which you.

Beelzebub

The way Beel finds out is so odd and yet so unsurprising...and how you may ask? Food.

I meant- with him associating 90 percent of everything with food, he might find out when he takes note of what and how much you eat. He'll have a variety of snacks at the ready, depending how or even if you approach him for some, he'd be initially confused, except for when your alter similar to him comes out. He doesn't question your enthusiasm.

The thing that puts the final nail in the coffin is actually when Belphie points it out to him. He was prepping well trying to not eat food for you when belphie asks him what he's making, he says your favorite food and belphie would grumble how you have so many favorites.

Beel initially dismisses it because hey he has so many favorites to but here he was. But the more he thinks about it the more it connects- which led him to seek none other than the avatar of wrath himself.

"Hey...what are you craving for right now?"

That question doubles as his test for figuring which you is out, depending how and what you answer, his choice of treating you narrows down. Suffice it to say despite being the weirdest method- he's the third one that deals with you the best.

Belphegor

H...he actually accepts it the fastest- despite not being the first to figure it out, he comes into terms with it in the shortest timespan compared to all his brothers.

And just like his twin, he finds out how to deal with you with the most uncanny test- your sleep schedule.

There may be times where you sleep like a log, other nights you stay up longer than the first born. No matter what he'll deal with you to best he can in the moment...assuming he's awake.

He only concerns himself even more when his pillow ended up with you, your alter similar to him opted for that black and white pillow which ultimately ended up with you two napping and sharing said pillow.

"Hng...you're..awake..? How did you sleep..?"

Yes, there may be times he wishes to talk back to mammon's claims of dealing with you the best. but as long as he can interact with whichever you without hitch, he's content.

As I’ve said at the top, please don’t be afraid to tell me any mistakes. I wish to provide without offending nor demeaning anyone. And I won’t mind taking this down if it’s called for, thank you again dears. 💙🌒💙

[gremlinhourz]

okay i have no idea if what im experiencing is solely adhd but anyways im so fucking tired of adhd not being taken seriously, like everything i see is about attention span and sitting still and stuff like that but (now bare with me this is why i think i might possibly not have adhd) i dont experience that, or more so, thats not my biggest concern,, the reason i was diagnosed is because my executives dont function, by that i mean i cant fucking do anything, by that i mean i dont function normally, but wanna know what "help" i get for my adhd? only things for focus,,, i am literally saying i cant do normal school work because my brain is fucking stupid and wont let me function as expected, and all i fucking get is extra time on tests,, now keep in mind my accommodations were given to me/made during online school (aka when i thrived and could mostly function), so it is ig understandable, but i hate how everything for adhd (assuming my diagnosis is correct) defaults to attention and hyperactivity, yes those are in the fucking name but they are not what im struggling with, i am having a moral dilemma because i want to say "i can even take care of my basic needs (i havent showered in 4 days) you expect me to do homework" like as a reason for why my currently missing assignments still arent done but i feel literally everyone i talk to just says to get them done but like how to do you expect me to get them done when, i wont say its not them thats the problem, but there is an underlying problem! im thinking why should i get an accommodation for no homework ever (probably not possible but pretend for me) when everyone else gets it done and it is my own fault for not doing it so maybe i just cant handle the course and should go back to lower courses, but its like because i am capable of getting a high grade in the course (representing how much i actually understand) if homework was just completely cut out,,,, and another thing i just typed all this and STILL have not fully articulated what i wanted to get across but i have no fucking idea how to so ill stop now

[sachiko6243]

The good old Doc - Part 12

Missed the start? No problem, here is the first part, the following ones are always linked at the end, so you dont have to search endlessly. 😉

Summary: Lieutenant Lilith Adams enlisted back in the military, only to be met with a certain cocky pilot. Overcoming certain past traumas, she tries to fit in with the team of pilots as their personal medic. Soon finding her stuck between a certain good looking aviator and her work morals.

This is a series which is currently in the making, so I don’t exactly know how long it is going to be. 😊

Word count: 2591

Warnings: a little talk about the general rules/pace of their relationship (kinky if you squeeze your eyes)

When he came back, I was already putting a bathing bomb in the water, watching it dissolve in light purple streams. He handed me a glass of water, holding out a variation of snack bars. I took the glass of water with shaky hands, downing half of it, before I put it down and turned my attention back to him. “So, what do you want to tell me?” I asked, sinking into the hot water. My head fell back, once I was fully submerged. With half closed eyes I watched him, patting the water to invite him in. Jake shook his head, stepping into the shower. “Thank you, darlin. But I would rather cool off than cook myself to death.” I grumbled at his words, snatching a snack bar from the counter, and opening it.

Watching him shower, I ate my food, not exactly sure, what I wanted to ask him. “You are experienced in that kind of stuff.” I said.

“I am. Yes.” He answered, staring back at me. “You don’t know what you want to ask, do you?” He smiled softly, turning off the shower. “Okay… how do I start that without me sounding like a total weirdo… Well, as you might have figured out, I like to be in charge in the bedroom. I like it, when women submit to my command, letting me take care of them. It gives me a sort of confirmation I cant quite put a finger on.”

“So, you want me to submit to you?” I asked curious of where this talk was going. Jake tilted his head. “Yes and no. I have the desire to dominate you, own you, yes. But I don’t want to force it on you.”

“Does this thing you like to do extend outside of the bedroom?” Scrunching my nose, I watched him put on a new pair of boxers. He sat down on the edge of the tub, stroking my cheeks. “Only if you would allow it, darlin. I wont do anything that you don’t want. But yes, it can. It can be whatever we want, or nothing at all.”

I leaned into his touch, thinking about his words. It sounded interesting, filthy, a little secret between us. But it also scared me. All my life growing up, I was supposed to be strong, told to bow to no man. And yet, here I was. Craving the possession Jake showed in little glimpses of what he was doing, the way he ruled over my body, the way he stepped up for me, putting an undeniable claim on me.

“I… I don’t know what to do.” I answered honestly. “I want to try it. But I also don’t want other people to look down on me, because you do.”

“Darlin, no.” He interrupted me. “I do not look down on you. That’s not how these things work. Yes, there can be degradation involved, but it doesn’t need to be. We don’t need to act it out in public at all, if you don’t want to. You submitting to me, would not make you less of a human. Rather the opposite. You giving yourself to me, trusting me… That’s everything. I want to care for you, protect you, worship you the way you deserve.”

His words had me thinking. Something in my head told me, that I already heard about stuff like that. “So, you are some kind of Christian Grey, just in uniform and hotter?” I asked, cocking my head playfully. He laughed at my words, putting a strand of hair behind my ear. “BDSM is way more, than that book lets on. I would even go so far, to say that fifty shades of grey does a horrible job of describing the interaction between a sub and a dom. But yes, it is kind of what I am. Without the insane amount of money, trust issues and manipulation of course.”

“Okey.” I said after a while. “I want to try it. But I don’t want it to interfere with work. As soon as our relationship would be public, I will already lose my reputation. I don’t need people to have another reason to go after me.”

“Of course, darlin. We will find our pace and make our own rules. What else?” Jake nodded, helping me out of the tub, when I reached out for him. “I want to take it slow. Start with you being in charge in the bedroom and then see how far I want to have it in my life. You can be possessive in public, if someone hits on me or harasses me, but I don’t want you to talk over me, dictate what I wear or what I do. The team can know about it, but I don’t want to have a big announcement. If they suspect things and ask, we answer honestly, but nothing more.”

“Noted.” He said, handing me a towel. “Anything else?”

I thought for a moment. “Not that I can think of now. Regarding the sex, I am not as experienced. Compared to you, my exes were rather narrow minded and boring, so if you want to try something new, I want to know beforehand and speak about it. Other than that, I think that’s all. At least as far as I can think of.”

“That’s more than I could ask of you.” He murmured against my ear, pulling me into a tight hug. “Thank you, darlin. I promise all I want for you is to feel save and loved. And I am so proud of you for trying it with me.”

I snuggled into his embrace. “Is it possible you have a slight praise kink?”

Smiling at me through the mirror he gave me a small kiss. “Only for you, sweet cheeks.”

The next morning, I woke up being buried between Jake and the blankets of my bed.  I reached for my phone, looking at the time. 10am. That’s not too bad. Then I saw a message in the group chat from Rooster: Anyone down for some beach time?

The team already agreed to it, so I nudged Jake awake. “Wake up. The team wants to go to the beach. You in or not?” “M in.” He mumbled, tugging me even closer. I typed our answer, asking when the squad was ready to meet. To my surprise, Rooster sent a picture of them already playing Volleyball in front of the hard deck. “Come on, Jake. They are already at the beach.” I said, shuffling out from underneath him. When I stepped in the bathroom, I gasped at my appearance. My whole upper body was covered in bruises and bite marks. Jake now leaning against the doorframe smiled proudly.

“What the fuck, Jake! I cant go out like that!” I yelped, twisting and turning while inspecting the way I looked. He just chuckled. “You can. Nobody will mind.”

“They will make fun of me. Of us.” I squeaked, hiding behind my hands. I felt him come up to me, hugging me. “They will do that either way. But if you really don’t want to, we don’t have to go, darlin. Even though I don’t mind showing off my legacy.” He grinned cockily. I punched him jokingly. “Your legacy? You are such a dick!” He just laughed at me. “If I remember correctly, you quite like my dick.”

“Jacob Seresin!” I yelled hunting him back into my bedroom. Tackling him into the sheets I started a pillow fight, which I quickly lost. Now out of breath and pinned down I smiled at him. “God, I love you…” He said, kissing me softly. As soon as his lips connected to mine, I gave up the fight I put up. Melting into his touch, the beach already forgotten. To my dismay he ended the kiss, making me huff in annoyance. Pulling me from the bed, he just chuckled: “Come on, we need to get ready. Breakfast on the way?”

Now dressed in a skimpy excuse of a bikini, a beach dress thrown over me, I sat in his Pick-up, a cup of coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other. Jake had dug through my closet of course choosing the most revealing thing he could find. Generally speaking, I didn’t mind showing off my body, but normally I didn’t look like a purple version of a leopard.

We reached the beach and I waited for Jake to open the door for me. I tried to do it myself back at the coffee shop, earning a grumpy huff and another lecture of how he is supposed to do it for me. Jake had already taken off his shirt and stuffed it in our bag. Then he slung the bag over his shoulder, taking his coffee in one hand, offering me the other. When we walked to the beach, I let my eyes wander over his back. Proudly noting, that I wasn’t the only one with marks on my body. On either shoulder he had claw marks and crescent indents. I touched one red stripe with the outstretched finger of my hand, causing him to his and roll his shoulders. “Sorry…” I mumbled, head hanging low. He just shrugged it off, turning around. “Don’t be, darlin. It looks worse than it feels.” Offering me a crooked smile.

“Still. I kinda feel bad for it.” Emptying my cup I threw it in the nearest bin, not daring to look him in the eyes. Now that my hands were empty, I crossed them before my chest, playing with the hem of my sleeves. “Why would you feel bad for it? If I had a problem with it, do you really think I would have let you do it?” Jake asked, leaning against the sign with the beach rules. I shook my head. “No, but my exes always made a fuss about it. Saying it was childish and insecure, since I would not trust them and therefore mark them up for other women to know.”

“You’re joking.” He let out, blinking rapidly at my statement.

“Unfortunately, not.” I said through gritted teeth.

Jake took a deep breath, then he smiled my favorite cocky grin. “Good thing you are with a real man now. I cant believe they would scold you for simply enjoying sex. They should be pleased to have gotten marks. I am. It just shows how good I am at fucking your brain out.”

“Jake!” I whisper yelled, looking around like he just dropped the biggest secret of the United States.

“Oh, come on, darlin. Stop being so uptight. Nobody gives a shit about it. And if they do, they can answer to me. Don’t think about it too much and enjoy life a little more. Otherwise, you will soon look older than I do.” He nudged me playfully in the side. I just raised an eyebrow. “Did you just call me old?”

“No?” He slowly asked, trying to figure out my expressions. Deciding to tease him further, I put on a sour dace. “I think that’s just what you did.” He reached out for me, but I stepped around him, walking over to where I saw the team, avoiding his touch. “Darlin, you know how I meant it. Please come back.” Jake came running after me, a slight whine in his voice. I fought hard to suppress a smile, when I turned around. “Fifty kisses, or I will break up with you.”

Jake stopped midway over to me, finally realizing, I messed with him. “You are such a…” Not finishing his sentence, he chased after me. Quickly I turned around, racing down the stairs towards the other, giggling and screaming like a maniac. My sudden appearance while running away from Jake, caused the team to turn heads. “Protect me, Rooster! He is out of his mind!” I yelled, jumping behind Bradleys back. He just stood there still processing what was going on. Jake on the other hand, threw his bag roughly in the direction of the sunshades, rounding Rooster. He was making ground with every meter I ran, quickly scooping me up and throwing me over his shoulder. I screamed and tried to wriggle out of his hold, but it was impossible. He had a strong grip around my waist, visibly not impaired by my fist pounding against his back.

My fight only got harder, when I realized he was making his way towards the ocean. When he stood hip deep in the waves, he pulled me from his back, holding me bridal style over the waves. “What do you say for messing with me?” He asked, smiling down at me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to get away from the cold water. “I am sorry! I didn’t mean to mess with you. Please let me down!”

“Oh you want to be let down?” I could feel him loosening his hold on me. I squirmed: “No! Not like that!” But it was already to late. With a loud splash I landed in the water, fully submerging, because I wasn’t prepared for the fall. When I got up, Jake was still standing in front of me, laughing uncontrollably at my soaked appearance. “You will pay for that, Seresin! Trust me, I will get you wet as well.”

He just hummed in pleasure, stepping closer to me and pulling me up in his arms. I was clinging to his body wrapping my legs around his waist. “Hmm. I cant think of a way I want to get soaked by you.” I groaned at his words, but the smile creeping up my cheeks betrayed me. “You are such a filthy minded, cocky idiot.”

“Yeah, I am. But I am your idiot and you like it that way.” He murmured, pulling my face in for a kiss. I let myself fall into his embrace, giving in to his warm hands, squeezing my ass, his tongue forcing itself through my lips.

What I didn’t think about, was the fact, that Jake would let himself fall back, pulling us both under water again. Startled, I pushed him down, on my way to get up. When I came back up, I was coughing, spitting out water. “I hate you!” I let out between harsh breaths and wiping away my hair. It was impossible to manage it, so I leaned back, wetting it and raising my head again for my hair to slick back. I probably looked like a drowned rat at this point with my hair, glued to my head and the beach dress sticking to my body, but I didn’t care. Walking out the water I made my way to the team. Phoenix was the first to greet me. She already set up my towel next to hers under the shade. Handing me a cold bottle of water. “Jake being an ass again?” She asked with a grin on her face. Looking behind me, I watched my boyfriend walk over to us.

His tanned and muscular body was glistening in the sunlight. Water droplets running down his toned chest, his abs before dripping of his shorts. His hair was slightly darker, giving his green eyes a different shade in which I was about to get lost. Fuck he looked hot like that. My mind started wandering to what I wanted him to do looking like that… Phoenix giggling ripped me out of my daydream. I quickly looked away to hide my blush. “He is excused for looking like that.”

“I am sure he is…”

I needed to put it in again... He just looks too hot to not do it... 🥰😅

[lucidpantone]

Where to begin with this clip. Why are they yelling??

over dramatic first of all!!

Where is this coming from Robbe?

In the OG Isak had enough scenes with Sana before the bench clip where he said she was a bossy bitch. He was talking about how she was a little harsh with him at their study session and in class.. Robbe said it out of nowhere. And he compared racism with homophobia again.. What is going on??

This is just terrible to watch, Yasmina's season is just miserable all the way through with some delight from Younes.

We wanted Robbe, but at what cost.

Ok lets get the obvious questions out of the way. I love Robbe but why the hell is he doing this scene? Home boy has been MIA for weeks. Like ovi I know Yasmina sees Robbe in science class on the daily but it makes no sense there wasn’t a build up into this scene at all. Like I kinda of felt blind sided. No robbe reaches out over text or at least has a moment in class with her or a moment where the group is all awkward and he senses it. He just popped up and was like "let me tell you why this isnt you and your problematic" like wtf............doesnt make any sense. Also why did this scene take place in a hall way? Like let me squeeze in a really important conversation about race as I run to my next class. The reason yasmina was on the defensive is because Robbe sorta of came into the conversation with assumptions and not open to really hearing Yasmina side. Also why did they start yelling?? There is no reason for them to get that heated because they are actually okay. I don’t like the way they painted Yasmina into the “angry black girl trope” like she is being irrational for being questioned about her actions. Also the way it was written I actually dont think Robbe is defending britt but what he is defending is this whole concept of yasmina going out of her way to cause trouble by highlighting racism because he she says I tried to apologize to them (the girls). So to me its clear that Robbe thinks Yasmina was wrong for highlighting the chats even tho they were perpetuating racism and for putting amber in this situation. Ummmm excuse me, absolutely not. Yasmina does not control Britt. The only person Yasmina maybe owes a mild apology to is Amber for not telling her earlier thats it. Everyone else needs to mind their fucking business and keep their opinions to themselves. Look we know Robbe has acted out of pocket before because he doesnt fully understand things and this was one of those moments. Like being queer is not some excuse to tally up who is suffering more. Different issues its not some competition. Also way to use Yasmina's mom actions against him as an example for homophobic when Robbe literally experienced a hate crime another moment for wtfock to peddle their muslims all hate queer people agenda. Btw am not done yet am gonna write a whole analysis on this dialogue i just need a moment am currently at work.

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[fit-as-fxck]

September 7, 2020

As we all know this year has been one of the strangest years we’ve ever experienced. I started my running journey last summer and was on the rise until late spring of this year. When I look back at my old posts and video footage it makes me really happy to know that my consistent and persistant work made something magical possible and that I was able to soak it in and bask in the results. I am so happy for that. It also makes me a big sad looking back. Obviously things feel different now and changes naturally occur from year to year. To be completely honest, it feels like I kind of peaked in my running journey last year and I’ve been struggling with those thoughts recently. I mean, what’s next? What do I have to show from this? Have I made any clear progress? I’ve always been the type of person that needs a clear goal to work towards. I need hard lines and clear dates. Running has felt especially challenging and disappointing in the current political, economic and social climate. It’s hard to get out of my head enough to enjoy it. But it’s still nothing I will ever take for granted. Especially now. To be able to run a casual 5k or 10k what some people dream of and a true blessing. Even if it’s not a casually impressive number of miles. It’s all relative and goals and methods change from year to year. Training without a goal in mind, and without being able to set a true goal outside of myself has felt uncomfortable. Even though things have felt so uncomfortable I still feel the clock attached to my one precious life, ticking away and I know I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t live and love each moment, despite the challenges - or if I didn’t chase what I have left, if I didn’t still live as fully as I could, if I didn’t still do what I wanted to and get what I could out of this year. I would end up kicking myself if I didn’t find something to still work towards, to run hard towards and to find something to live positively for and focus on. A lot of goals and ideas have floated in and out of my scrambled up brain and applying them in practice without any true accountability is hard. When I began my running journey I focus on stretching distance. That was my one and only priority. Farther. Farther. Father, setting myself up for the marathon distance. So that’s what I know. I don’t feel like myself without always pushing that boundary. But I find myself struggling finding a reason to go back and begin pushing that boundary all over again. Someone close to me reminded me that a run is a run, no matter how far you go, and that I don’t always need to be pushing farther and farther for it to count or for it to progress me. There are other ways to run - for enjoyment, general fitness, etc. And that maybe I’m the only one applying these metrics to myself that dont need to be applied right now. So long story short, I’ve narrowed down exactly what my “why” is. I’ve decided on a very specific goal and I’ve found a way to hold myself accountable and I’m not changing my mind. (If I do stray, everyone who reads this has my OK to punch me in the face) After months of floating around in space, I’ve found some solid ground and grabbed onto a goal. I’ll be racing a 10k on thanksgiving day, just like I did last year. It’ll be virtual but I think registering, getting the kit and going through the process of it all will hold me to it. I’ll be trying to beat my time from last year (which I was slightly disappointed with). And I’ll be racing in honor of gratitude. Gratitude in my heart for the ability to take part in this beautiful action. Gratitude to be able to take a chunk out of life. With nothing “real” to work towards, I’m going to go ahead and just give myself something to strive for. I’m going to practice keeping my mind right during this process, and not sinking under the current tense and stressed state of the nation. I won’t allow it to reach me. That is my goal. Training begins today.