#eugène scribe

[abrahamvanhelsings]

forever obsessed that in la muette fenella disappears for a month and when pietro asks masaniello 'what if she's been seduced' masaniello is like 'if that's the case ill judge him to hell' and then when fenella returns he's like 'is it really you im embracing what separated you from me' and then when she wants to apologise for having had sex with a man who now doesn't want to marry her masaniello is like 'this vile seductor can fear my fury he touched my sister ill fucking rip him to shreds'

[rayatii]

Yesterday and today's listening was Le Philtre ("The Potion") by Daniel Auber! This is the opera the libretto of which (written by our regular friend Eugène Scribe) was the basis of Donizetti's iconic bel canto comedy L'elisir d'amore. The plot here is basically the same, with a few differences in the structure of the musical numbers.

(For example, Guillaume (aka French Nemorino) has no aria equivalent for "Una furtiva lagrima" or even "Quanto è bella", but he has a whole aria during the bit where he drinks the "potion"; there is also a bit in Act 1 during which Jeannette (aka French Giannetta) and the chorus ladies make fun of Guillaume; and Joli-Cœur (aka French Belcore) is present during the scene where the ladies talk about Guillaume's inheritance, and he reacts very indifferently.)

And for everyone else who also knows French, here is a libretto for you to follow along.

[operaportugues]

Robert le Diable (Meyerbeer) - Royal Opera House 2012

Ópera completa com legenda em português: vídeo; legenda.

Meyerbeer destaca-se pela popularidade de que desfrutou em vida e o esquecimento em que se encontra hoje. Merece um lugar de destaque na história da ópera como criador da grand opéra francesa, um espetáculo grandioso de cinco atos com balé, cenários e figurinos sofisticados e enredo e música de teor heroico.

Esta primeira grand opéra de Meyerbeer, de 1831, deu-lhe reconhecimento imediato como grande compositor, e em uma década seria representada em toda a Europa. O violento combate entre o bem e o mal é acompanhado por orquestração audaciosa e dramáticos papéis solistas, opondo-se na partitura 2 sopranos "bons" ao baixo "mau" na luta pela alma do tenor.

Meyerbeer e seu libretista, Eugène Scribe, arriscaram-se a despertar a ira da igreja Católica ao apresentar, no Ato III, freiras decaídas que são ressuscitadas do túmulo e recrutadas para trabalhar para o Diabo.

Personagens Principais: - Robert: Duque da Normandia - Bertram: seu pai, o Diabo - Isabelle: Princesa siciliana, amada de Robert - Alice: meia-irmã de Robert - Raimbaut: menestrel

Sinopse: Sicília, no séc. XIII

Ato I Robert, duque da Normandia, está na Sicília para cortejar a princesa Isabelle. Ao ouvir de um menestrel que é filho do Diabo, perde a calma. Alice, sua meia-irmã, traz o testamento da mãe de ambos, mas alega que ele não é digno de recebê-lo. Quando chega Bertram, o pai de Robert, Alice reconhece nele o Diabo. Estimulado por Bertram a jogar, Robert perde tudo, até mesmo a armadura necessária para lutar por Isabelle.

Ato II Isabelle fornece a Robert nova armadura para o duelo com o príncipe de Granada. Bertram convence Robert a se afastar numa missão sem importância, e ele perde o torneio e também Isabelle.

Ato III Alice ouve Bertram invocando maus espíritos e foge, protegendo-se com uma cruz. Bertram diz a Robert que poderá conquistar Isabelle se colher um ramo mágico num túmulo. Bertram então desperta freiras mortas para guiar Robert até o ramo.

Ato IV Robert decide raptar Isabelle, mas ouvindo sua declaração de amor resolve quebrar o ramo mágico, destruindo seu poder de provocar sono.

Ato V Diante da catedral de Palermo, Bertram diz a Robert que poderá recobrar seus poderes se assinar um pacto irrevogável com o Diabo antes da meia-noite. Robert concorda, mas é distraído por Alice. Ao soarem na igreja os sinos da meia-noite, Bertram desaparece e Isabelle surge diante de Robert vestida de noiva.

[henrik-ibsen]

What's up Bergen? I'm here to do two things: be a playwrite and director! I've been hired! After living in the student quarters in Kristiania, this is definitely a step up. Current goal: create a national drama so that our dramatic arts aren't totally dominated by Eugène Scribe.

[loosealcina]

GIUSEPPE VERDI’S I VESPRI SICILIANI AT LA SCALA, FEBRUARY 21, 2023

The short version of what I’m about to say goes like this: no and no. I sure need to place a grumpiness warning here; that’s why I gave you the summary up front. If you don’t think you’re in the mood for a long series of bitter/petulant words, you’re all set. See you next time! (Here’s a withdrawal-friendly pause). Now, for the intrepid and the curious. Rules are one thing. But rules in the realm of art? They often prove to be… let’s see… inessential, boring, detrimental maybe, plain fake… Yet I suspect a number of them will always stand any test and/or any close examination. An opera must be performed in its original language. That’s one. It’s simple and it’s good. Deciding to break it sounds kind of bizarre, like OK, I’ll run this bicycle race. Just let me make sure I’ve got a huge stick in my hand, so I can put it in my own spokes right after we start and see what happens… Strictly on topic: ditching Les vêpres siciliennes—first presented at l'Opéra (Salle Le Peletier) in 1855—and staging a discouraging Italian translation named I Vespri siciliani instead (not to mention editing out the whole ballet sequence in the middle of Act III [which is a lot]; and the first scene of Act V for good measure) brought this operatic experience into a positive blind alley, leaving virtually no hope whatsoever.

Besides, Hugo de Ana’s production amounted to a flat, generic display of tableaux. It seemed to underscore again and again a small set of themes (namely violence and death); as far as storytelling is concerned, it refused to explore any opportunity Eugène Scribe and Charles Duveyrier’s libretto may have offered. If you consider the characters—their personality, their emotions, the relationships they have… It was as though these issues were never there in the first place. You won’t be exceedingly surprised to know that my favorite moments go back to when the curtain was still down. In fact, the Ouverture of Les vêpres siciliennes does enjoy great popularity as a detached concert piece, too. I’d say Fabio Luisi and the orchestra went with a fascinating palette of dark, saturated colors. The very first bars—unhurried, menacing, impressively terse—set the tone for a compelling narration: one consistently enriched with moody musical objects. A sinister beat, a quick flicker of the brass, a sudden general crescendo… It felt like a miniature full-blown grand opéra. (It truly reminded me of Ludwig van Beethoven’s Leonore No.3 Op.72b in this respect). Those few flaming minutes were but a memorable gift; on the other hand, they intensified the sense of squandering I’m still feeling—It’ll fade over time, I believe?

[x00151x]

Efemérides literarias: 24 de diciembre

Efemérides literarias: 24 de diciembre

Acontecimientos 1851: incendio en la Biblioteca del Congreso de Estados Unidos.1924: Se crea la Biblioteca Nacional de Camboya. Nacimientos 1754: George Crabbe, poeta y naturalista británico (f. 1832).1782: Charles Hubert Millevoye, poeta francés (f. 1816).1791: Eugène Scribe, escritor francés (f. 1861).1796: Fernán Caballero, escritora española (n. 1877).1798: Adam Mickiewicz, poeta y…

[universallyarbiterinternet]

DDR Langspiel-Schallplatte (LP) aus dem Jahr 1966, Übernahme von der DGG. (A034 / 454 LP). „Das Glas Wasser“ Frei nach Eugène Scribe, Regie und Drehbuch: Helmut Käutner. Mit Sabine Sinjen, Horst Janson, Liselotte Pulver, Hilde Krahl, Bobby Todd, Gustaf Gründgens, Hans Leibelt - Label: LITERA – 8 60 105 mono

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

i would like to thank the combined efforts of giacomo meyerbeer, eugène scribe, and émile deschamps for giving us les huguenots and le prophète

[monotonous-minutia]

Diana Montague as Isolier in Rossini’s Le comte Ory

(Glyndebourne, 1997)

[quietparanoiac]

"My lord, are you in love?" "Perhaps." "That would be splendid. A statesman in love is finished: he's no longer dangerous."

[rayatii]

THE CAST IS FINALLY COMPLETE!!!!! You can now download Belcore from my account.

EDIT: forgot to mention that I gave him the first name Eugenio, after Eugène Scribe, who penned the libretto which became the basis for L'elisir.

[opera-shitpost]

if I had a nickel for every time an 1830s French grand opéra with a libretto partially by Eugène Scribe and a world premiere cast including (but not limited to) Adolphe Nourrit, Marie-Cornélie Falcon, Julie Dorus-Gras, and Nicolas Levasseur ended with a guy inadvertently killing his own daughter due to him engaging in religious persecution of non-Catholics, I'd have two nickels.

which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

[ulrichgebert]

Reizende Höfische Intrigen am Hofe Queen Annes, in unrealistisch theatralischen Kulissen, aber vornehmer Diktion bietet Helmut Käutners  beherzt unseriöse Literaturverfilmung mit Gesangseinlagen zum Jazz-Cembalo namens Das Glas Wasser. Das ist immer schön.

[opera-simplified]

Opera Simplified #7: Les Huguenots—Part I

Les Huguenots

(The Huguenots)

Opera Simplified #7

The Basics:

Music: Giacomo Meyerbeer

Libretto: Augustin Eugène Scribe and Émile de Saint-Amand Deschamps

Premiere: February 29, 1836; Salle Le Peletier (Opéra national de Paris), Paris, France.

Based on: No direct source material except history, although some scenes (but not the overall plot) are likely very loosely based on scenes from Prosper Mérimée’s 1829 novel Chronique du règne du Charles IX (Chronicle of the Reign of Charles IX).

Setting: The French province of Touraine (Acts I-II) and Paris, France (Acts III-V); August 1572.

Characters:

Marguérite de Valois, Princess of France, sister of King Charles IX, and soon-to-be Queen of Navarre—soprano

Urbain, her favorite page—soprano*

Valentine de Saint-Bris, her favorite lady-in-waiting—soprano*

Raoul de Nangis, a Huguenot nobleman—tenor

Marcel, his servant and formerly grandfather’s ward, also a seasoned soldier—bass

Le Comte de Saint-Bris, Valentine’s father, leader of the Catholic noble faction, and governor of the Louvre—bass-baritone

Le Comte de Nevers, Valentine’s fiancé, a Catholic nobleman—baritone

Tavannes, also a Catholic nobleman—tenor

Cossé, another Catholic nobleman—tenor

Thoré, yet another Catholic nobleman—tenor

de Retz, still another Catholic nobleman—baritone

Méru, there are way too many extra Catholic noblemen in this opera—baritone

Maurevert, *sigh* ditto except he’s a Special Plotting One in Act III—baritone

Léonard, Nevers’ valet—tenor**

Bois-Rosé, a Huguenot captain—tenor

A nightwatchman—bass

A Catholic student—tenor

Two ladies-in-waiting—sopranos

Two Catholic girls—soprano and mezzo-soprano

Two Roma girls—soprano and mezzo-soprano

Three monks—tenor and two basses

Henri de Bourbon, the Huguenot King of Navarre and Marguérite’s eventual husband—silent

*Note: While Urbain and Valentine were intended to be sung by sopranos, both roles have a history of being cast with mezzo-sopranos, although this is much more extensive in the case of Urbain than of Valentine.

**In some productions and recordings, Léonard is turned into a trouser role mezzo.

A Note Before I Recommend Recordings: The performance and recording history of this opera is…exceedingly complicated. A lot of this is due to a combination of there being LOTS of revisions and cuts over the years, including large chunks of music cut before the premiere, parts of which have since been restored. A critical edition was prepared approximately a decade ago; however, the score/libretto still has not been made available to the general public (possibly because there are some differences in the scenes from original to premiere) and no full recording—either audio or visual—has been made of said edition (although someone did splice together a recording from multiple recordings that comes very close and which was instrumental in the making of this Opera Simplified.)

Further adding to the problem is that while several productions in the last decade have been either audio or visual recorded, all of them use different pieces of the critical edition and none of them are complete or add up to a complete reading. As such, yours truly is working with as much material as she can but this Opera Simplified is not and cannot be truly complete. 

[Last note: this also means that while I have done my very best to provide clips that are as complete as possible, a) the level of completeness of any given excerpt may vary and b) some of the clips will overlap.]

Recommended Video Recordings:

The Sydney 1990 production is rather heavily cut but great for a first-timer (source: this recording is what made me fall in love with this opera). Also, this is actually a recording of Dame Joan Sutherland’s final ever full staged performance of any opera, so this is opera history.

The Montpellier 1990 production is an excellent and much-less cut traditional option as well.

The Brussels 2011 (Part I; Part II) and Geneva 2020 productions are both somewhat “out there” direction wise (the latter more than the former) but both are excellent shows overall.

The Paris 2018 production is worth a watch if only for Lisette Oropesa as Marguérite (although that cast is for the most part very good).

Recommended Audio Recordings:

If you can find the Diederich Montpellier 1988 recording, a) snap it up ASAP and b) PLEASE SEND IT TO ME because it was online for a while but then it disappeared and it hasn’t been available for streaming ANYWHERE online for over three years now.

The Bonynge 1970 recording is overall quite good, except the Raoul isn’t great.

This audio recording of a Berlin 2016 performance is overall very good (Juan Diego Flórez as Raoul!!!), although I’m still mad at the Deutsche Oper Berlin for not filming this production.

This Vienna 1971 performance is VERY heavily cut but what we have is really good.

And if you love balls-to-the-wall singing and don’t care about pesky things like French language and style or cuts (no judgment here though, we all need some straight up balls-to-the-wall sometimes) this legendary La Scala 1962 recording is nothing to scoff at.

Shoutout to @carlodivarga-s and @monotonous-minutia for being the best readers/idea-bouncer-offers a writer could’ve ever asked for.

The Opera, Very Simplified: “Way out yonder somewheres, the Lord’s great heart must break at seein’ how men treat one another an’ say they’re doin’ it all for His sake.” -Carlisle Floyd, Susannah, Act I, Scene 5

(btw if you haven’t seen or listened to Susannah, go do so asap. Here’s a recording with Cheryl Studer, Samuel Ramey, and Jerry Hadley.)

ACTUALLY, I lied when I said this was the last note. One more note:

If you are reading this Opera Simplified on the date of its publication, you are reading it on August 24, 2022 (at least in Paris time, which is 7 hours ahead of the author’s time zone). This is deliberate, and you will learn the reason why before too long.

THE OPERA (or at least the first three acts of it):

Overture **

ACT I:

Here’s a quick introduction to the French Wars of Religion up until when our story begins.

Early afternoon, a hall in the summer chateau of the Comte de Nevers in Touraine. At the back are several large windows opening onto a lawn and gardens. On the right is a door leading to the rest of the house; on the left is a window covered by a light curtain, which separates the hall from a private chapel. Nevers is hosting his bachelor party, to which he has invited several other Catholic noblemen.

Nevers: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh, you want me to say that more eloquently? Okay, fine. Let’s enjoy the beautiful days of our youth, let’s be joyful, let’s get drunk, let’s enjoy these moments because time is flying by and soon we won’t be able to have these moments again!

Nobles: YEAH WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE TIME IS FLYING BY FAST

Nevers: Let’s dedicate our lives to fun and frivolousness and forget EVERYTHING except pleasure!!!

Nobles: YEAH WHAT HE SAID LET’S FORGET EVERYTHING

Nevers: Everything except pleasure.

Nobles: YEAH YOU’RE RIGHT WHAT YOU SAID EVERYTHING EXCEPT PLEASURE

Nevers: Are you all just going to keep repeating everything I say?

Nobles: …maybe.

Nevers: Well, then, at least we’re all in agreement! Say it with me!

Nevers and Nobles: LET’S ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DAYS OF YOUTH AND HAVE FUN BECAUSE TIME IS FLYING BY FAST SO LET’S DEDICATE OUR LIVES TO FUN AND FORGET EVERYTHING EXCEPT PLEASURE

Tavannes: Our most generous, esteemed host and lord of this enchanting place, dear Nevers…hello?

WHY THE FUCK AREN’T WE EATING YET I’M HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Nobles: US TOO SO WHY AREN’T WE SITTING DOWN TO EAT YET

Nevers: We’re still waiting on a guest. We have to be civilized, yes?

Nobles: Who is it?

Nevers: He’s a young gentleman who just got a commission to join our military forces. He got a recommendation from Admiral Coligny— ***

Nobles: WAIT WAIT WAIT HE’S A HUGUENOT?!?!

Nevers: Well, yes. But remember: the King is reconciling with the Huguenots and he wants everyone else to do the same. Admiral Coligny and the Medicis even swore before God to have eternal peace between Catholics and Protestants. 

So be nice.

Tavannes: That peace won’t last long!

Nobles: Not long at all!

Nevers: What does all this matter to us anyway?

*Raoul enters through the back and the nobles all see him.*

Tavannes: Who’s that person coming from over there?

Nevers: That’s our guest. Everyone, meet Raoul de Nangis. 

Thoré: He seems gloomy…

Méru: …Or bored!

Tavannes: That’s just what happens when you’re Protestant! All that dogma and absolutely no fun.

De Retz: I’d like to amuse myself with him!

Nevers: And I’d like to convert him!

Tavannes: You want to convert him?

Nevers: I want to convert him to the true gods, love and pleasure!

…What did you think I meant, Catholicism?

Nobles: Well, yes. BUT CONVERTING HIM TO LOVE AND PLEASURE IS A MUCH BETTER IDEA

*Raoul and Nevers greet each other.*

Raoul: Hello! I just have to say, what an honor it is for little old me to be here beneath this beautiful Touraine sky, in the company of the most brilliant and distinguished gentlemen the court has to offer! I’m just a simple soldier from the provinces and basically no one important knows me, so really, what an honor to be invited here with all of you!

Nevers: *softly* Really, everyone, he’s not bad at all…

Cossé: He’s very nice!

Tavannes: But he’s so awkward; you can obviously tell he’s from the provinces.

Nevers: But we’ll polish him up and he’ll surely improve!

Cossé: YES WE WILL

Nevers: After all, this is a favor to the court of the new Prince Henri! ****

Raoul: I’m just a simple soldier from the provinces and basically no one important knows me, so really, what an honor to be invited here with all of you!

Nevers: Really, he’s not bad, and we’ll polish him up, make a society man out of him!

Nobles: Yeah, what you said! He’s quite decent! 

Raoul: WHAT AN HONOR IT IS

Nevers: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LET’S EAT

Nobles: WOOHOO FUCKIN FINALLY COME ON LET’S EAT

*A table overflowing with food and wine is brought in. Everyone sits down to eat.*

Nobles: WE LOVE FEASTS THEY ARE THE ONLY TRUE HAPPINESS BECAUSE THEY’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN ALSO DRINK UP EVERYONE AND LET BACCHUS ALONE RULE THE FEAST

Nevers and Méru: Pour out the wines…

Nobles: …of Touraine!

Tavannes and Cossé: Wine causes us…

Nobles: …TO SING HAPPY SONGS

Tavannes and Cossé: And let’s drown…

Nobles: …our woes…

Tavannes and Cossé: …and our discretions…

Nobles: …by getting drunk! EVERYBODY SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

Nevers, Méru, Tavannes, and Cossé: YEAH LET’S GET WASTED AND SING SONGS AND FORGET ALL OUR PROBLEMS AND OUR DISCRETIONS WOOHOO

Everyone: THE PLEASURES OF THE TABLE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN ANYWAY LET’S GET WASTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

*Everyone except Raoul is now probably at least a little drunk.*

Nevers: Servants, remember to pour the wine generously! And get some fresh wine in here!

Alright, Raoul, let’s drink to our mistresses!

Raoul: Um…but I don’t have a mistress.

Nevers: But I’d bet just by looking at you, and that tender and languid look on your face, that you’re in loooooooooooove.

Raoul: Who, me? In love?

Nevers: It’s more likely than you think. Besides, we’re young and free, we’re allowed to love! Not me for much longer though. I’m getting married tomorrow and technically this is actually my bachelor party. I’ve promised: when I get married, I’ll remain good and faithful, I’ll renounce all passion…

And since the day it got out that I was engaged, the ladies of the court have been pursuing me even more relentlessly! I simply can’t keep up with all of them!

Tavannes: I HAVE AN IDEA LET’S ALL TELL STORIES ABOUT GIRLS WE’VE KNOWN

Nevers: That’s a great idea! Newcomer goes first.

Nobles: THAT’S HOW IT GOES AFTER ALL

Raoul: Very well, gladly. I can do it without compromising the woman who’s stolen my heart.

Nevers: SO I WAS RIGHT anyway, before you start, who is she?

Raoul: Here’s the thing: I have no idea. I think she knows who I am, but I have no clue about her, actually.

Nevers: What’s her name?

Raoul: I don’t even know that.

Nevers: Really??? OKAY EVERYONE LISTEN UP THIS STORY IS BOUND TO BE REALLY SPICY

Raoul: SO, I was just wandering around the countryside, not far from the old towers and ramparts of Amboise, when suddenly I saw this grand carriage at a bend in the road. But the real thing that caught my attention was that the carriage had been stopped by this big crowd of students!

They were being so loud and bold and rude, and I figured out right away what they were trying to pull with that, so I started running towards them, and they all fled like the cowards they were! And then I approached the carriage so I could check and make sure that whoever was inside was okay…

And then…with my own two eyes, I saw the most enchanting person to have ever graced the world! So fair, so pure—even purer than a spring day—she was a dazzling angel! How beautiful she was! And I was in love right away…I couldn’t help but bow before her, and I remember just what I said to her:

“Beautiful angel, queen of love, heavenly beauty, I want to love you forever, I will love you forever!”

Nobles: WHAT A CHARMING STORY BUT TBH IT’S KINDA LAME THAT HE’D BE SO ENCHANTED AND WEAK AND NAIVE BECAUSE OF TWO PRETTY EYES

Raoul: BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE

When she heard me pour my heart out to her, she smiled the sweetest smile in the world, and it told me she felt the same way! And I could see it in her eyes too…

I’m faithful to her, and my heart still burns for her, and sometimes I repeat those same words to myself and remember:

“Beautiful angel, queen of love, heavenly beauty, I want to love you forever, I will love you forever!”

Nobles: HIS FORTHRIGHTNESS AND HIS STORY ARE CHARMING BUT BUT TBH IT’S KINDA LAME THAT HE’D BE SO ENCHANTED AND WEAK AND NAIVE BECAUSE OF TWO PRETTY EYES SOME LOVE THIS MUST BE

Raoul: AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU

*Marcel appears in the doorway at the back.*

Tavannes: Uh, who’s that?

Raoul: This is an old servant of mine—he’s been around since I was born!

Marcel: WHERE’S RAOUL

*One of the guests points to Raoul.*

(Oh God! He’s mingling with them?)

MASTER, GOD TELLS US TO NOT FEAST WITH THE WICKED

Méru: Ha, he’s a true saint of Israel!

Marcel: IN THE CAMP OF THE PHILISTINES

Nevers and Nobles: Excuse you?

Raoul: Sorry, everyone; please forgive him! My grandfather took him in and raised him up on Luther between a sword and the Bible! So he’s…a bit zealous. He hates women. And the Pope. And Hell.

Marcel: THAT’S EXACTLY RIGHT

Raoul: But really, he’s great—faithful, heroic, and a sensitive soul at heart. In short, he’s a true diamond in the rough!

*He pulls Marcel aside and whispers to him.*

Come wait on us and be quiet. 

*Marcel opens his mouth to reply, but Raoul cuts him off.*

Be quiet if at all possible! Seriously, Marcel, please don’t embarrass me in front of all my potential frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeends.

Marcel: Very well, fine!

*Raoul returns to the table.*

(But how can I save him from them?)

Nevers, Méru, and de Retz: LET’S TOAST TO OUR MISTRESSES

Raoul, Tavannes, and Cossé: A TOAST TO THE SOLE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTIONS

Marcel: ENOUGH OF THIS LUTHER COME SAVE HIM FROM EVIL AND COME MIX YOUR VOICE OF THUNDER WITH THEIR HELLISH SONGS

*He begins to sing.*

O LORD YOU ARE THE STRENGTH AND ONLY SUPPORT OF US WEAK SOULS WHO WORSHIP YOU… *****

*Nevers offers Raoul a glass of wine.*

Nevers: Here, drink, it’ll—

Raoul: No!

*He lowers his eyes and nervously sets down the glass.*

Marcel: …AND NO SUFFERING CHRISTIAN EVER CALLS UPON YOU IN VAIN!

Méru: What’s he singing?

Raoul: That’s a Lutheran hymn we always sing in times of danger.

Marcel: O LORD THE ETERNAL TEMPTER IS ARMING HIMSELF WITH CUNNING AND WRATH TO DESTROY US SO COME SAVE US ONCE AGAIN O LORD

Cossé: Wait! The more I look at him, the more he reminds me of a certain soldier from La Rochelle—******

Marcel: Really? You recognize me?

Cossé: By God, I think so!

*He gestures to a scar he has and Marcel looks at it.*

This large wound—

Marcel: YUP THAT CAME FROM ME

Raoul: Oh God, Marcel!

Cossé: No worries! It was a true fair fight! And to prove it, I offer you this: have a glass with me!

Marcel: I do not drink, thank you very much.

Cossé: At least not with a son of Hell, eh?

Raoul: I’M SO SORRY PLEASE EXCUSE HIM

Nevers: Well, if he doesn’t drink, then let him sing!

Raoul: I really don’t think that’s a good idea—

Nobles: HE HAS TO SING LET HIM SING

Marcel: Gladly! I’ll sing an old Huguenot song denouncing all Papists and members of that damnable sex!

All of you, especially you with that wound I gave you, should know it: it’s our battle song, the one we sang during the fighting at La Rochelle!

Raoul: MARCEL! Oh, for fu—uh, fiddlesticks—great.

Marcel: You remember? It was then, to the accompaniment of the drums and the cymbals and the piff, paff, poof of the musket balls, that I sang:

Piff, paff, piff, paff!

DOWN WITH THE MONKS AND CONVENTS AND WAR AND MISFORTUNE TO ALL PAPISTS BECAUSE WE’LL PURGE THEIR TEMPLES OF HELL WITH FIRE AND SWORD CRUSH THEM AND STAB THEM AND STRIKE THEM ALL DOWN PIFF PAFF POOF PIFF

Let them cry, let them die, but never show mercy!

Nobles: HAHAHAHAHA ADMIRE HIS SWEET NATURE AND FORGIVE US HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tavannes and Cossé: Oh, please do forgive us! Ha ha!

Marcel: …Is this some sort of joke to you?

SECOND VERSE NOT THE SAME AS THE FIRST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE

MY ARM NEVER EVEN TREMBLED WHEN WOMEN WEPT BECAUSE ALL WOMEN ARE DELILAHS WHO CAUSE THE RUIN OF MEN’S SOULS SO CURSE THEM ALL AND LET’S DESTROY THEIR HELLISH CHARMS WITH OUR SWORDS AND DRIVE THEM OUT AND HUNT THEM DOWN AND STRIKE DOWN THOSE DEMONS PIFF PAFF POOF PIFF

Let them cry, let them die, but never show mercy!

*Léonard, Nevers’ valet, appears at the back with a veiled woman. The woman disappears into the gardens and Léonard enters the hall.*

Léonard: There’s someone who has requested to speak to the Count de Nevers!

Nevers: I DON’T CARE WHO IT IS EVEN IF IT’S THE KING HIMSELF TELL THEM I’M NOT HOME

When I’m drinking and dining with all my friends, I don’t even care about the God of the universe!

Marcel: THAT’S CALLED BLASPHEMY AND THAT’S NOT ALLOWED IN THE CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER

Léonard: But sir, it’s a pretty, young woman!

Nevers: A WOMAN??? Goodness me, really, you all would not believe the lengths the ladies go to chase me every single day! 

Léonard: She’s waiting in your private chapel.

Nevers: Let her wait!

Tavannes and Cossé: THAT’S NOT RIGHT AT ALL I’LL GO REPLACE YOU LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMAN OF THE COURT

de Retz and Méru: NO I WILL

Nevers: I’d gladly let you! But wait: Léonard, which one is she? The Marquise d’Entrague or that young Countess?

Léonard: Um, neither.

Nevers: Oh! Madame de Raincy, then?

Léonard: No, my lord, I’ve actually never seen this one here before.

Nevers: A NEW CONQUEST! Well, that changes things; after all, today is my last day as a bachelor. I’ll go see her right away…if only out of curiosity! 

Dear guests, please excuse me. Continue to enjoy yourselves and don’t hold up the party just because I’m gone for a bit. Though passion means I’m absent for a little while, I’m sure I’ll be back with all of you before long, if you know what I mean. Have fun, everyone! 

*He leaves through the back door with Léonard.*

Tavannes: What a delightfully strange thing to happen at a party!

de Retz: Surely he’ll have the best time of us all!

Nobles: What a delightfully strange happening! Everything is turning out great for him and surely he’ll have the best time of us all! We have to remain quiet about it so he doesn’t overhear us, but how I wish I was the hero of this escapade!

Tavannes and Thoré: HOW I WISH I WAS THE HERO

Nobles: WE WISH WE WERE THE ONES GETTING VISITED BY PRETTY LADIES

*Marcel pulls Raoul aside and begins to scold him for coming to the party and fraternizing with the Catholics. As a result, neither of them are able to hear anything else going on.*

de Retz: But who is that beauty he’s talking to?

Cossé: I, for one, would like to know!

Méru and Cossé: Can’t we even get close enough to see her?

Tavannes: WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA AND IT’S FOOLPROOF so they’re in that private chapel, right? Right. See, there’s a window covered by that light curtain and it looks right into the chapel—

Nobles: THAT’S THE BEST IDEA EVER

Tavannes: I HAD THE IDEA I GET TO LOOK FIRST

*He parts the curtain enough to be able to look into the window.*

de Retz: TELL US WHAT YOU SEE

Tavannes: I SEE HER

Cossé: Is she pretty?

Tavannes: SHE’S HOT

*The nobles all run to the window and start pushing each other to get a look at the window.*

de Retz: MY TURN

Cossé: I SEE HER

Thoré: SHE’S DIVINE

Méru: SHE HAS SUCH AN ELEGANT FIGURE

Tavannes: Do you know her?

Méru: NOPE

Cossé: How about you?

de Retz: ALSO NOPE

Tavannes: How about you?

Cossé: ALSO ALSO NOPE

Nobles: LET ME SEE HEY NO PUSHING IT’S MY TURN DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HER BECAUSE WE SURE AS FUCK DON’T WELL I GUESS NONE OF US KNOW HER BUT SHE’S SO CHARMING AND YOUTHFUL AND NEVERS MUST BE SO HAPPY TO HAVE SUCH A PRETTY MISTRESS

*de Retz notices that Raoul has been completely oblivious to all of this.*

de Retz: Huh! Raoul, you’re the only one who hasn’t even shown the slightest hint of interest! Awe you scawed? 

Do you think that seeing such a pretty young woman will somehow make you betray your faith, like how chaste all you Huguenot men are?

Raoul: Very funny. But really, you judge us too highly, and I’ll go ahead and prove it to you right now—

*He looks in the window.*

OH MY GOD 

Nobles: What’s the matter?

Raoul: THAT WOMAN IS THE SAME WOMAN I WAS TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT EARLIER MY LIFE IS OVER

Nobles: It’s HER?!?!

Raoul: I RECOGNIZE HER PLAIN AS DAY

Nobles: It’s her??? Ah, poor lover, in his naïveté, he believed she was a pure woman, but she’s already someone else’s mistress! Ha!

Raoul: Oh, come on! I loved her, but she is another’s mistress…she only deserves contempt! This is all too much!

Nobles: THE POOR MAN WAS SO NAIVE AND SHE’S ANOTHER MAN’S MISTRESS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Raoul: THAT SLUT CAME HERE FOR ANOTHER MAN THIS HURTS TOO MUCH I CAN’T BEAR IT LET’S GO

Marcel: THAT SLUT CAME HERE FOR ANOTHER MAN ALMIGHTY GOD COULD YOU REALLY SIT BY AND WATCH THIS OUTRAGEOUS SIN WITHOUT UNLEASHING YOUR WRATH??? LET’S GO

*Raoul rushes towards the back in an attempt to leave the room and head for the chapel to confront Nevers, but the nobles run after him and grab him.*

Méru: EVERYONE SHUT UP I CAN HEAR THEM WHICH MEANS THAT NEVERS IS COMING BACK SO ACT LIKE WE WEREN’T JUST SPYING ON HIM

Nobles: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LET’S GO THEN

*Everyone hides. Nevers reappears in the garden with the veiled woman, escorting her by the hand. He respectfully bids her farewell and she leaves. Nevers then re-enters the hall, oblivious to the guests gradually coming out of hiding; in turn, the guests are oblivious to him.*

Nevers: IT’S LITCHRALLY ONE (1) DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING AND I HAVE TO BREAK OFF THIS MARRIAGE

It’s all so strange: Marguérite de Valois told her favorite lady-in-waiting that she should do this, something about “political matters” and “other arrangements”. And that favorite lady-in-waiting also just so happens to be my fiancée! Well, ex-fiancée, I guess. But she came here, by herself, in secret, to ask me to break off the engagement the day before the wedding!

Well, she didn’t have much of a say in the engagement in the first place because her father forced her into it, so there’s that. Of course, I’m nothing if not a gentleman, and I agreed to break up with her…but I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t suck when it very much does.

Nobles: WE DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING YOU JUST SAID SO HURRAY FOR THE MAN WHO CONQUERS ALL WOMEN EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND LOVE ONLY HAS BEAUTIFUL THINGS FOR HIM SO HURRAY FOR HIM

*Urbain enters from the back.*

Nevers: What are you looking for?

Urbain: HI EVERYONE!!! Hi to you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and ALL you noble gentlemen!!!

Anyway, this wise noblewoman who would be the envy of kings—and I promise I’m not just saying that because I have a crush on her like come on who has a crush on their boss definitely not me that’s weird—gave me this letter,

*He pulls out a sealed letter.*

which is for one of the gentlemen in this room. I won’t say who yet because that takes all the fun out of it, but I will say that no one has ever had such honor and glory and fortune as the man to whom this letter is addressed! And this isn’t a prank either, so don’t worry about that. 

Well, hello again to all of you! And may God protect you!

Nevers: Sometimes being so overqualified can be so draining, but oh well. Everyone, remember this: we can’t avoid the blows Fortune deals us…

Very well, then, give me the letter.

Urbain: Hi! Are you Raoul de Nangis?

Nevers: WAIT WHAT

Urbain: This letter is for Raoul de Nangis. 

Nobles: WAIT WHAT

Marcel: *pointing out Raoul* Raoul de Nangis? That’s my master and he’s right here!

Raoul: For me? There must be some mistake. I’m practically a nobody here; I don’t know anyone in the area who would be even remotely interested in me…

Urbain: And yet, there’s no mistake. This is for you.

*He hands the letter to Raoul, who opens and reads it aloud.*

Raoul: “Raoul, come to the old tower at sunset. Let yourself be led there, blindfolded. Be discreet. Do not ask questions. Do not say anything about this to anyone else. Do only as you are told. Are you brave enough to do this?” 

No signature. Hmm. I see someone wants to have a good laugh at my expense. It could cost me dearly. You know what? Very well! I accept.

*He holds out the letter to Nevers.*

Read it yourself.

*Nevers takes the letter and immediately gasps.*

Nevers: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

*He hands the letter off to Méru. The nobles each take a turn looking at the letter.*

Méru: WHOA THIS IS SHOCKING

Cossé: IT’S HER CREST

Tavannes: LOOK THAT’S THE SEAL SHE USES

Nobles: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING YUP IT’S HER HANDWRITING 

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS LOOKS LIKE RAOUL’S GONNA WIN THE PRIZE

Raoul: …Who are you all talking about?

*The nobles all decide to kiss up to Raoul.*

Nevers: Raoul, you know that I am your devoted, tender friend—

Méru: If you need someone to serve you or defend you—

*The nobles begin pushing each other around and jostling for Raoul’s attention.*

de Retz: You can always count on us—

Cossé: If you need someone to serve you or defend you—

Tavannes: If you need someone to serve you or defend you—

Nevers and the Nobles: YOU CAN RELY ON US BECAUSE WE’LL TOTALLY ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIENDS YOU’VE PROMISED ME SO REMEMBER THAT AND PLEASE DON’T FORGET US LATER

Urbain: *imitating the nobles* YEAH WE’LL TOTALLY ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIENDS YOU’VE PROMISED ME SO REMEMBER THAT AND PLEASE DON’T FORGET US LATER

Raoul: Wow…this is all so sudden and unexpected…Good Lord, what should I do?

Nevers and the Nobles: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU WANT

Tavannes: Everything…

Nobles: Everything!

Marcel: Everything?

Urbain: EVERYTHING!!!

*He takes Raoul by the arm and leads him to one side.*

Pleasures, honors, power…all your wildest dreams are about to come true! Be bold! Remember, power always belongs to the one who knows how to take it!

*Nevers in turn takes Raoul by the arm and pulls him in the opposite direction.*

Nevers: Things are looking up for you! Beauty calls! And remember, power always belongs to the one who knows how to take it!

Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YUP THAT’S RIGHT SO YOU SHOULD DO WHAT THE LETTER SAYS

Marcel: (Would you look at that! They’re treating him so differently now! Hypocrites, the lot of them.)

Raoul: Pleasures? Honors? All my wildest dreams are about to come true? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YEAH BUT WE’RE NOT GONNA TELL YOU

Raoul and Marcel: I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS

Marcel: HURRAH WE PRAISE THEE O LORD SAMSON HAS DEFEATED THE PHILISTINES

Raoul: ALL MY WILDEST DREAMS ARE APPARENTLY ABOUT TO COME TRUE I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS

Urbain, Nevers, and the Nobles: YEAH THEY ARE SO YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT

*Nevers signals some servants to bring in wine, and everyone raises a toast to Raoul.*

A TOAST TO YOU RAOUL AND TO YOUR HEALTH AND TO ETERNAL SUCCESS AND LUCK FOR THIS CONQUEROR OF WOMEN 

GO GO GO LOVE AND HONOR ARE WAITING FOR YOU GOODBYE AND DON’T BE AFRAID EVERYTHING WILL BE ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AMAZING

*A group of masked men appears at the back. One of the men presents a blindfold to Raoul, who puts it on. Marcel tries to keep Raoul from leaving, but Urbain leads Raoul and the masked men away.*

Notes

ACT II:

Later the same day, in the gardens of the Chateau de Chenonceaux. The chateau, which is built on a bridge, is seen in the distance. The Loire River meanders in curved lines throughout, occasionally disappearing behind clumps of trees. On the right is a wide stone staircase leading from the chateau to the gardens. Marguérite de Valois sits in the gardens, surrounded by her ladies-in-waiting and several pages, including Urbain.

Marguérite: ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF BY DOING A TRAVEL COMMERCIAL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL LAND OF TOURAINE

We have cheerful gardens! We have green fountains! We have gentle brooks that barely make any noise and are PERFECT for dreaming next to! And I know this because I just abso-fuckin-lately LOVE to sit by the water and dream, and dream, and dream…

We have beautiful woods! We have shadowy shores! AND I REALLY HOPE THEY HIDE ME SO THAT THE STORMS OF THE WORLD NEVER REACH ME AND I CAN JUST BE HAPPY HERE FOREVER

Anyway, where was I? Right, here in the beautiful land of Touraine we have cheerful gardens, green fountains, gentle brooks that barely make any noise and are perfect for dreaming next to, and I know this because I just love to sit by the water and dream…and dream…and dream!

Now as for this whole religious war business: these religious disputes do nothing but drown the earth in blood! And these ministers like Luther and Calvin, who terrify us with their austere morality in Heaven’s name! To hell with all of it!

Marguérite, Urbain, and Two Ladies-in-Waiting: THIS IS A NEGATIVITY-FREE ZONE SO NEGATIVITY DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HERE AFTER ALL UNDER MARGUÉRITE’S RULE OUR ONLY DUTY IS TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE GOD OF LOVE

Marguérite: All I want is for everything around us to echo our love songs every day so we hear them again!

Urbain and the Ladies-in-Waiting: And they’ve learned our love songs!

Everyone: WE LOVE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

Marguérite: LISTEN THE BIRDS HAVE LEARNED TO ECHO OUR LOVE SONGS AND THEY SING THEM IN THE AIR AND THE TURTLEDOVES COO OUR SONGS UNTIL THE SOUND DIES ON THE WAVES OF LOOOOOOOOOOVE

Urbain and Ladies-in-Waiting: ALL NEGATIVE THINGS AND ENERGIES ARE BANNED FROM THIS COURT FOREVER BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY REALISTIC AND ALSO OUR ONLY DUTY IS TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE GOD OF LOVE

Marguérite: WHAT Y’ALL SAID ALSO UNDER MY RULE WE ONLY LIVE AND BREATHE TO SMILE AT THE GOD OF LOVE

At just the mention of love, nature is reborn! The birds repeat it in the shadows of the trees, the stream even repeats it too, the earth, the waves, the earth—did I already say that? anyway—, even the heavens themselves repeat our songs of love!

Marguérite, Urbain, and the Ladies-in-Waiting: Earth and heaven alike repeat ALL our love songs!!!

Marguérite: THEY’LL EVEN REPEAT MY INSANELY DIFFICULT COLORATURA FLOURISHEEEEEEEEEEES AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Everyone Else [including, probably, the audience]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OUIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BRAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

Urbain: Indeed, our queen is so lovely! Alas…what a pity!

Marguérite: What’s the matter with you?

Urbain: I’m only a PAGE! A discreet, faithful, obedient, forgettable PAGE! 

Marguérite: Well, I’m sure that the ladies-in-waiting would disagree.

*Valentine appears at the top of the staircase.*

Who’s coming from up there? Go look!

Urbain: IT’S YOUR PRETTIEST LADY-IN-WAITING

…not like I have a crush on either of you or anything.

Marguérite: Oh, I know who you mean! Valentine! Valentine, come here, don’t tremble in fear!

Urbain: Everything for Valentine, Marguérite’s favorite, wink winky wink wink wink wink.

Marguérite: And what of it? Besides, I’ve seen the pain in her heart, and tears are always able to move me.

Urbain: Then I’ll never laugh again!

Marguérite: Come here, dear Valentine, have courage! Tell me: how did the trip to Nevers’ go?

Valentine: Nevers has sworn by his honor to renounce my hand in marriage.

Marguérite: Good! Then everything falls right into place, and soon, I promise you, we’ll have another marriage—

Valentine: Oh God! What are you saying?

Marguérite: Poor child, you’re blushing! 

*Valentine nervously lowers her eyes.*

You truly love Raoul?

Valentine: Well…but I mustn’t…what about my father?

Marguérite: Be calm! I’ll talk to him and get everything sorted.

Valentine: Okay, but what about Raoul?

Marguérite: You’re overthinking this. Besides, I’ve invited him to come here—

Valentine: OH GOD I’D NEVER DARE TO—

Marguérite: Really? Really, never, Valentine? Well, it’s okay. I know how you are. I’ll talk to him for you.

*One of the ladies-in-waiting steps forward.*

A Lady-in-Waiting: IT’S REALLY HOT OUT HERE SO LET’S ALL SIT IN THE SHADE AND GO BATHING IN THE RIVER ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW OUR HIGHNESS CAN GET REALLY OVERHEATED

*Several of the ladies-in-waiting head off behind the trees to bathe in the river. Others, dressed in gauzy robes, dance, play, and run after each other. Marguérite watches contentedly, sitting on the grass. Urbain spies on the women from behind a tree.*

Ladies-in-Waiting: IT’S HOT AS HELL OUT HERE BUT LET’S GO IN THE SHADE AND THE WATER SO WE CAN BE COOL AND REFRESH OURSELVES

Marguérite: Thank you all for your care and…

URBAIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BEHIND THAT TREE

*The women flee as Urbain comes out from behind the tree.*

Urbain: Who, me? Absolutely nothing! Nothing but waiting for Madame’s orders—

Marguérite: I forgot all about you! In fact, I almost mistook you for one of the ladies!

Urbain: (Gender fluidity achieved!)

Marguérite: GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

Urbain: But I don’t wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I just came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right nooooooooooooooow

*He reluctantly leaves as the women’s voices waft in from the direction of the river.*

Ladies-in-Waiting: It’s so hot out here but let’s go in the shade and bathe in the river so we can refresh ourselves…

*The women finish their bathing and return. Urbain reappears at the top of the staircase.*

Marguérite: URBAIN DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO TO LEAVE

Urbain: BUT MADAME THERE’S A GENTLEMAN HERE

Valentine and Ladies-in-Waiting: A MAN?!?!?!

Urbain: CALM DOWN EVERYONE LISTEN TO MY STORY IT’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS **

*The ladies-in-waiting gather around.*

No, seriously! I bet none of you have ever heard anything like what this page is about to tell you! And the village girls who saw it happen are never gonna forget it.

Picture this: you’re just goin’ about your business like any other day when all of a sudden, you see this guy, and he’s blindfolded! And he’s being led through town with all these fancy-looking guys surrounding him, right? Right. 

And he’s practically gliding on thin air and everyone’s crowding around and watching him and being like “Who is he?” and “Where’s he going?” and “Why’s he going?” And everyone is chattering and it’s all confusion and FUN! You’ve never seen anything like it!

Some Ladies-in-Waiting: SHUT UP THAT’S SO FUCKIN FUNNY but we don’t know what’s going on there so let’s keep it on the down-low and not unpack that. BUT IT HAS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING TO DO WITH LOVE BECAUSE OUR COURT IS ALL ABOUT LOVE

Other Ladies-in-Waiting: HMM WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOIN’ ON THERE BUT IT’S OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THOSE LITTLE TRICKS THE GOD OF LOVE PLAYS BECAUSE HE HOLDS HIS COURT HERE

Urbain: He can’t see a thing! He’s just feeling his way along, his neck stretched out as far as it can go, and the kids tease him with their grubby little hands, and their sisters throw him flowers!

Ladies-in-Waiting: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Urbain: No, seriously! I bet none of you have ever heard anything like what this page is about to tell you! And the village girls who saw it happen are never gonna forget it.

What a beautiful, fun procession it is—a blindfolded gentleman surrounded by village girls!

Ladies-in-Waiting: THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER

Urbain: LOOK IT’S APPROACHING THE CHATEAU RIGHT NOW HERE IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ladies-in-Waiting: THERE’S THE GENTLEMAN THERE HE ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Marguérite: That’s Raoul de Nangis.

Urbain: Our mysterious hero of this little tale!

Valentine: NOPE I’M TOO ANXIOUS FOR THIS I NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY

Marguérite: I want you to stay here!

*Raoul, still blindfolded, appears at the top of the staircase with some village girls, who bring him down the staircase. The ladies-in-waiting, except Valentine, gather around him.*

Ladies-in-Waiting: EVERYONE SHUT UP THERE HE IS awwww but we can’t resist talking about him because JUST LOOK AT HIM he’s trembling the poor boy is probably so frightened IT’S SO CHARMING 

If only he knew the “danger” he was in—because being surrounded by scantily clad ladies is apparently dangerous—he would be all too happy! But his oath as a cavalier and that little blindfold protects us from his wandering eyes! 

…We don’t know why we’re joking about that, but anyway. Maybe it’s just because we’re relieved that he can’t spy on us, so we can have fun instead of worrying. Don’t read into it too much.

Urbain: *once again behind the tree* BUT THEY’VE ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME WHICH SUCKS ON THE ONE HAND BUT ON THE OTHER NOW I CAN LOOK UPON THESE “DANGERS”

Marguérite: I have to speak with him about some Very Serious Matters™. You are all dismissed; please leave us. And Urbain, that includes you. Stop staring at the ladies.

Urbain: awwwwwwww but who wouldn’t be jealous of having a private audience with her?

*The ladies-in-waiting start to leave, but very slowly, and they often turn back to look at Raoul.*

Ladies-in-Waiting: LET’S ALL GO OUT SILENTLY awwww but we can’t resist talking about him because JUST LOOK AT HIM he’s trembling the poor boy is probably so frightened IT’S SO CHARMING 

If only he knew the “danger” he was in—because being surrounded by scantily clad ladies is apparently dangerous—he would be all too happy! But his oath as a cavalier and that little blindfold protects us from his wandering eyes! 

Urbain: WHO WOULDN’T BE JEALOUS

Marguérite: WHY THIS DELAY 

Ladies-in-Waiting: WE GO WE GO

Marguérite: BUT DAMN IT YOU DON’T GO

Ladies-in-Waiting: WE GO WE GO WE GO WE GO WE REALLY REALLY GOOOOOOOOOOOO

*Everyone except Marguérite and Raoul leaves.*

Marguérite: Such loyalty is unusual, especially with how unusual this whole scheme was in the first place. However, you have done everything I have asked you to and it is now time for you to receive the reward you deserve. Take off the blindfold.

*Raoul takes off the blindfold and is immediately dazzled by the gardens.*

Raoul: OH MY GOD WHERE AM I THIS PLACE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I THINK I MIGHT BE HALLUCINATING AFTER BEING IN THE DARK FOR SO LONG

*He looks around and confirms that it is not in fact a hallucination. Eventually, his eyes come to rest on Marguérite.*

My God…you’re divine, enchanting…you’re obviously in charge here, so I have to ask: I don’t know if you’re mortal or a goddess or something, but am I still on earth or am I in heaven? 

Hello? HELLO??? PLEASE JUST SAY SOMETHING

Marguérite: Well, I get why Valentine fell so hard for him! He’s such a gentleman, so poetic and charming—not even royalty could choose better! No, no one could choose better!

Now, Raoul, let me make something very clear: a true gentleman, any person of good character really, must live for whomever he loves! He must be faithful, especially when they’re far apart from each other—no straying, not even a little bit, or else. You understand?

Raoul: (Somehow everything here reminds me of that faithless woman! She strayed from me, so what does it matter what I do?)

Marguérite: Whenever you’re away from her, wherever you goooooooooooo, you’re never far away from her, I want you to knooooooooooow! She only has to close her eyes, dear, and suddenly she’s where you are—you better never stray, ‘cause she’ll never be far away!

Raoul: (Well, I don’t care about that harlot anymore! She abandoned me already, and besides, this woman is just so charming! So it’s a two-for-one: I get back at her and I find pleasure elsewhere!)

I HUMBLY PLEDGE MY ETERNAL SERVICE AND DEVOTION TO YOU

Marguérite: (But I still need to figure out whether he’ll go along with this plan.)

*Raoul kneels before Marguérite.*

Raoul: I SWEAR I’LL DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT I AM YOURS AND I’LL DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT

Marguérite: *hesitating* Ha!…Ha!…Ha!!!

Me, a coquette! GOD!!! If I were a coquette, I would take him for myself, he’s so charming! 

But NOPE NOPE NOPE WE ARE NOT GOING THERE the woman he loves and who loves him is counting on me to arrange this for her, not for me, and she’s my best friend and I am NOT going to let her down even though the idea of being a coquette—ha! could you believe it?—it’s charming! but no! this is for Valentine, not for me!

Raoul: I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND MY SOUL AND MY SWORD AND MY SUPPORT AND ALL MY BLOOD TO YOU

I would die in defense of three things in this world: my honor, the lady I serve, and my God! I would gladly die for any and all of those things! 

Marguérite: I LOVE HIS WHOLEHEARTED PASSION

Raoul: I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND MY SOUL AND ALL MY BLOOD TO YOU

Marguérite: OKAY OKAY OKAY YOU REALLY NEED TO CALM DOWN listen all I want is to make you happy. That’s it. 

Raoul: I’M YOURS FOREVER

Marguérite: Me, a coquette! GOD!!! If I were a coquette, I would take him for myself, he’s so charming! 

But NOPE NOPE NOPE WE ARE NOT GOING THERE the woman he loves and who loves him is counting on me to arrange this for HER, not for me, and she’s my best friend and I am NOT going to let her down even though the idea of being a coquette—ha! could you believe it?—it’s charming! but NO! this is for Valentine, not for me! 

Raoul: TEN MINUTES AGO I SAW YOOOOOOOOOU AND NOW I REALLY WANT TO GET LAAAAAAAAID BECAUSE GETTING LAID WILL MAKE MY REVENGE PLAYED ON THAT HARLOT WHO FAR FROM ME STRAAAAAAAAAYED

TEN MINUTES AGO I MET YOOOOOOOOU EVEN THOUGH I STILL DON’T KNOW YOUR NAAAAAAAME I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER MY DAME LOYAL ALL THE SAME YOU HAVE SET ME AFLAAAAAAAME

Marguérite: I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR I AM NOT GOING TO BANG YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE HONESTLY KINDA HOT BECAUSE BESTIES DON’T BETRAY BESTIES AND I’M NOT YOUR GIRL

*And then for some reason like 50% of production have them make out. Either way, at this point Urbain reappears at the top of the staircase.*

Urbain: MADAME!

Marguérite: YOU AGAIN! ALWAYS YOU BARGING IN WHERE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE but I still think you’re my favorite page anyway what is it?

Urbain: The leading nobles are waiting outside to come pay homage to you, Your Majesty.

Raoul: wait WHAT?!?! YOUR MAJESTY?!?!

Marguérite: Right, I never actually introduced myself to you or told you why I brought you here in the first place. I am Marguérite de Valois, Princess of France and soon-to-be Queen of Navarre. You promise to obey me still?

*Raoul nods.*

Very well. The reason you are here is because my family wishes to reconcile the Huguenots and the Catholics. I intend to support those efforts both by marrying Henri de Bourbon, uniting Protestants and Catholics in the royal family, and by arranging a similar interreligious marriage for you. 

You will be marrying a lovely, kind young woman: the sole daughter and heir of the Comte de Saint-Bris. Now, I know that historically, the Nangis and Saint-Bris families haven’t gotten along, but I know you two will be very happy together because I Know Things. 

The Count has agreed to it, and he has promised me that he will forget all his old hatreds. Do you accept?

Raoul: Unite our families? Very well, I accept! 

Marguérite: Great! In return, I’ll make you part of my inner court.

Raoul: You’re too kind!

Urbain: SHE’S SO KIND TO EVERYONE EXCEPT ME :/

*Saint-Bris and Nevers appear at the top of the staircase and come down into the gardens, followed by all the noblemen and ladies of the court. The Catholics take their positions on one side of the garden; the Protestants on the other.*

Nobles: ALL HONOR TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND GRACIOUS OF ALL WOMEN SHE’S CALLED US ALL HERE SO LET’S PAY HOMAGE TO HER BECAUSE SHE’S OUR PRINCESS AND ALSO JUST SUCH A DELIGHT

Marguérite: Yes, I called you all here for a very special reason: I have arranged this marriage, which is sure to bring us all peace and happiness and love, and I would like you all to be witnesses to the marriage announcement! 

*Marguérite has Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris greet each other; they shake hands.*

Nobles: ALL HONOR TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND GRACIOUS OF ALL WOMEN LET’S PAY HOMAGE TO HER BECAUSE SHE’S OUR PRINCESS AND ALSO JUST SUCH A DELIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

*A valet pulls Marguérite aside and hands her several documents, which she reads to herself. Marcel slips in and pulls Raoul aside.*

Marcel: WHAT’S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU MARRYING A MIDIANITE ***

Raoul: *motioning to Marcel in an attempt to silence him* Marcel, relax. It’s not that big of a deal.

Marcel: BUT YOU’RE MARRYING A CATHOLIC

Raoul: Be quiet! You don’t even know her.

Marcel: Neither do you.

Raoul: Not the point, but touché.

Marcel: HER HOUSE IS A HOUSE OF SIN

Raoul: SHUT UP

Marguérite: The Counts of Saint-Bris and of Nevers! 

*Saint-Bris and Nevers step forward.*

My brother, the King, knows that both of you are devoted to him. As such, he commands both of you to be in Paris as soon as possible—this evening would be ideal—to begin work on a very important project. I have no idea what it is, but that’s what I was asked to tell you. Probably some fussy not-actually-important bureaucratic thing or other, I don’t know. ****

Nevers and Saint-Bris: We bow to his command.

Marguérite: As you should! But first, bow to mine. Now, I really want this marriage to go well for the sake of all involved, for our very nation—for love and peace’s sake, no more hatred!

I want you three to swear right now, as if you were taking an oath before God, to have eternal peace with each other! None of this stupid fighting over religion. 

Actually: ALL you nobles must swear the same oath of eternal peace! Because this is totally foolproof.

*Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and the nobles prepare themselves for the oath.*

Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and the Nobles: By our honor, by our names which we have inherited and which we uphold, by our King, by our swords, and by the God who knows and punishes all perjurers, we solemnly swear before you that we will have eternal peace between all of us, Catholics and Protestants alike!

Marcel: LET US SWEAR BY LUTHER AND OUR FAITH AND THE CROSS AND OUR SWORDS THAT WE WILL FIGHT ROME AND ITS SOLDIERS AND PRIESTS TO THE DEATH AND WE WILL NEVER HAVE FRIENDSHIP OR PEACE EVER

Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: Providence, let harmony descend upon the earth and help us become friends, brothers even!

Marcel: Providence, let your light descend upon my master so he returns to the fold like a good Protestant! Heaven help him find the only true way once again!

Marguérite: May Heaven hear these vows and bless them forever! 

Urbain and a Lady-in-Waiting: AMEN TO THAT

Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: WE SWEAR ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP

Marcel: I SWEAR WAR TO THE DEATH

Noblemen: WE SWEAR ETERNAL PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP 

Noblewomen: AND MAY GOD BLESS THESE OATHS

*Saint-Bris leaves to get Valentine.*

Marguérite: AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IT’S TIME TO PRESENT THE HAPPY COUPLE

Raoul, I’d like to present you with your fiancée! She’s a charming young lady and you two will be very happy together.

Here she is! Raoul, meet your fiancée, Valentine de Saint-Bris!

*Saint-Bris brings Valentine into the gardens and presents her to Raoul, who immediately recognizes her.*

Raoul: Oh, good Lord…what?! Is this actually happening?!

Marguérite: What’s the matter?

Raoul: *hardly able to speak* What?! She’s going to be my fiancée? They’re offering me…?

Marguérite: Marriage and love! What’s the pro—

Raoul: I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED AND DECEIVED FUCK ALL OF THIS I’M NEVER GOING TO MARRY HER

Everyone Else Except Marcel: OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Raoul: WHAT BETRAYAL AND DECEIT HOW DARE THEY INSULT ME LIKE THIS

Nevers and Saint-Bris: I CAN’T TAKE IT I’M LITERALLY PHYSICALLY SHAKING WITH UTTER SHAME AND RAGE

Marguérite, Valentine, Urbain, and the Nobles: THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST DO THAT

Marguérite, Valentine, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: WHY IS HE BREAKING THIS OFF DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY???

Raoul: THIS WOULD BE SUCH A SHAMEFUL MARRIAGE AND I WILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE AND IF ANYONE DARES CALL ME OUT I’LL JUST LAUGH AT THEM BECAUSE MY HONOR COMES FIRST

Nevers and Saint-Bris: I MUST HAVE HIS BLOOD FOR INSULTING ME AND VALENTINE LIKE THAT OUR HONOR DEMANDS US TO AVENGE THIS INSULT

Marcel: BRAVO RAOUL YOU’RE SO BRAVE!!! A true knight and Christian, he puts his honor first and shuns the approval of the world!

Nobles: WHY IS HE BREAKING OFF THE ENGAGEMENT??? THIS INSULT CRIES FOR BLOOD AND HER FATHER NEEDS TO AVENGE HIS HONOR AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR THIS INSULT IMMEDIATELY

Valentine: SO WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS OUTRAGE????

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE ANY COURAGE AND HOPE I EVER HAD IS TURNING TO ICE IN MY HEART

Raoul: WOE IS ME HOW DARE EVERYONE INSULT ME LIKE THIS

Everyone Except Marcel: GOOD LORD WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS THERE OUR DREAMS FOR THE FUTURE GO DOWN THE DRAIN 

Valentine: SERIOUSLY WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS OUTRAGE????

Raoul: WHAT BETRAYAL WOE IS ME HOW DARE EVERYONE INSULT ME LIKE THIS

Nevers and Saint-Bris: I AM FULL OF SHAME AND RAGE AND I MUST HAVE HIS BLOOD TO GET RID OF IT

Marcel: RAOUL IS SO BRAVE BRAVO FOR SAYING NO TO THE TUXEDO

Valentine, Marguérite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY??? IN ANY CASE THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST DO THAT

Nobles: THIS INSULT CRIES FOR BLOOD AND HER FATHER NEEDS TO AVENGE HIS HONOR AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR THIS INSULT IMMEDIATELY

Marcel: TIME FOR ME TO SING MY FAVORITE SONG

Everyone Else: THIS REALLY ISN’T—

Marcel: O LORD YOU ARE THE STRENGTH AND ONLY SUPPORT—

Marguérite: YOU JUST PUBLICLY REJECTED AND HUMILIATED MY BEST FRIEND—

Raoul: I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BUT I HAVE LEGITIMATE REASONS

Marcel: —OF US WEAK SOULS WHO WORSHIP YOU!

Marguérite: SO TELL ME YOUR REASONS

Raoul: THEY CANNOT BE SAID IN POLITE AND PROPER COMPANY BUT I AM NEVER GOING TO MARRY HER

Marguérite: THIS IS UTTER MADNESS WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HER AND BREAK UP WITH HER ESPECIALLY IN THIS WAY I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER

Raoul: WOE IS ME HOW DARE THEY INSULT ME LIKE THIS

Saint-Bris: I AM TREMBLING WITH SHAME AND RAGE

*Nevers, Saint-Bris, and Raoul all draw their swords. The nobles also get into it.*

Nevers and Saint-Bris: LET’S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE 

Nobles: YEAH THIS INSULT DEMANDS BLOOD

Nevers and Saint-Bris: WE NEED TO AVENGE THIS INSULT WITH HIS BLOOD

Raoul: I WOULD ONLY BE TOO HAPPY TO FIGHT YOU BOTH AND VINDICATE MYSELF

Marguérite: EVERYONE STAND DOWN WHAT AN INSULT THIS IS ALSO RAOUL GIVE UP YOUR SWORD

*She signals to an officer to disarm Raoul and then turns to call out Saint-Bris and Nevers.*

YOU TWO DID YOU FORGET FIVE MINUTES AGO WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT THE KING HAS COMMANDED BOTH OF YOU TO BE IN PARIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

Raoul: I’LL FOLLOW THEM AND GET MY REVENGE

Marguérite: HOW ABOUT NOPE BECAUSE I’M SHUTTING YOU UP IN MY COURT SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU UNTIL I GET TO PARIS FOR MY WEDDING

Saint-Bris: Oh, so HE gets to stay in the Princess’ court because the bastard is SO lucky to have SUCH a privileged woman putting him under HER protection—

Marguérite: HOW DARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!

Raoul: The only person who’s getting protected through this is YOU because if only I had my sword I’d kill you for trying to pass off YOUR daughter—

Saint-Bris: YOU ALL ARE TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM BRAVELY DEFENDING MY HONOR AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT

Marguérite: HOW DARE BOTH OF YOU?!?! FEAR MY WRATH BECAUSE IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED Y’ALL ARE PISSING ME OFF TO NO END

Valentine: BUT WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS NO ONE IS EXPLAINING IT TO ME AT ALL AND I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING

Raoul: —AND AT ANY RATE WE’LL MEET AGAIN SOON IN PARIS

Nevers and Saint-Bris: YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT MUCH WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON

Marcel: BRAVO RAOUL WHAT COURAGE

Valentine, Marguérite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: WHAT AN INSULT THIS IS PURE INSANITY

Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: YOU CAN’T STOP ME FROM DEFENDING MY HONOR AND WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON

Raoul: Y’ALL HAVE INSULTED ME

Nobles: YOU CAN’T STOP THEM FROM TRYING TO DEFEND THEIR HONOR

Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, Marcel, and Nobles: LET’S GET THE HECK OUT OF DODGE

Nobles: NOTHING CAN SAVE RAOUL AT THIS POINT AND HONESTLY HE DESERVES WHAT HE’S GOT COMING

Valentine, Marguérite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER

Raoul, Nevers, and Saint-Bris: I WILL AVENGE MY HONOR

Nobles: THIS INSULT DEMANDS BLOOD

Marcel: *singing joyously* O LORD YOU STILL DEFEND US—

Marguérite: EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS SHIT

Everyone Else: YEAH LET’S GET OUT OF HERE

Marcel: —MY GOD, YOU STILL DEFEND US!!!

Marguérite: SERIOUSLY I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF THIS GET OUT

Everyone Else: YEAH LET’S GET OUT OF HERE

Marguérite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: THIS IS PURE INSANITY WHY DID HE JUST INSULT HER AND ALSO SERIOUSLY WHY IS HE BREAKING THIS OFF DID HE MAYBE JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT HAVE AN IDEA HOW TO BREAK IT OFF GRACEFULLY???

Valentine: I SERIOUSLY STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN INSULT SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME BUT AT ANY RATE MY HEART IS BROKEN AND MY COURAGE IS DESTROYED AND SO IS MY LOVE AND MY HONOR SO I GUESS I’LL JUST BE HOPELESS AND DEPRESSED FOREVER

Raoul, Nevers, Saint-Bris, Marcel, and the Nobles: SOMEONE IS GOING TO AVENGE THEIR HONOR FOR THIS INSULT SO THERE’LL BE BLOODSHED SOONER RATHER THAN LATER AND YOU CAN’T STOP US THAT IS A PROMISE SO THIS ISN’T OVER

*Valentine, on the verge of fainting from shock, is taken away by Saint-Bris and Nevers, who make threatening gestures to Raoul. Raoul attempts to follow them, but Marguérite’s officers stop him and barely prevent the crowd from attacking each other.*

Notes

ACT III: **

6 PM on a Sunday, the Pré-aux-Clercs in Paris. The Seine is visible in the background. In the foreground on the left is a tavern frequented by Catholic students and their girlfriends; opposite is another tavern similarly frequented by Huguenot soldiers and their girlfriends and wives. In the background on the left is the entrance to a Catholic church. The list of people who are here in the original stage directions is really fuckin long so I’m just gonna say that there are a LOT of people on both sides of the religious divide, of all classes and occupations, just trying to enjoy a Sunday evening. 

Townspeople: HURRAY IT’S SUNDAY WHICH MEANS WE GET A DAY OFF SO LET’S FORGET ALL OUR STRESS AND WORRIES AND HAVE SOME FUN TRALALALALALA IT’S SUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Law Clerks: WE’RE HORNY AND WE WANT THE PRETTY LADIES TO COME DANCE WITH US

Young Ladies: YEAH THAT’S NOT HAPPENING BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT Y’ALL LAW CLERKS ARE DANGEROUS

Law Clerks: PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASE

Young Ladies: NOOOOOOOOOOOPE

Law Clerks: PWETTY PWEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE

Young Ladies: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE

Townspeople: HURRAY IT’S SUNDAY WHICH MEANS WE GET A DAY OFF SO LET’S FORGET ALL OUR STRESS AND WORRIES AND HAVE SOME FUN TRALALALALALA IT’S SUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Huguenot Soldiers: RATAPLAN RATAPLAN RATAPLAN PLAN PLAN HERE’S OUR BATTLE SONG

*Some of the Huguenot soldiers continue singing “rataplan” over and over while Bois-Rosé leads the others in a call-and-response.*

Bois-Rosé, then Huguenot Soldiers: OLD COLIGNY TOOK UP HIS BATTLE SWORD THAT BRINGS DOWN FORTS AND WALLS AND SAID “SOLDIERS OF THE FAITH, FOLLOW ME I’M YOUR CAPTAIN AND I’LL TAKE YOU TO VICTORY OR TO PARADISE EITHER WAY IT’S A WIN”

LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE

*The Huguenot soldiers strike up the rataplan accompaniment again.*

ALRIGHT EVERYONE SECOND VERSE NOT THE SAME AS THE FIRST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE

ALRIGHT CALVINISTS LET’S GO GET US SOME PAPISTS’ DAUGHTERS AND ALSO SOME VALUABLE BOOTY AND GOOD WINE THAT THEY USE FOR THEIR ALTARS AND THEIR WICKED FEASTS BECAUSE ALL THOSE THINGS ARE JUST SPOILS THAT GO TO THE VICTORS OF WAR AND THERE’S TOTALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS LOGIC

LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE

*The Catholics get (understandably) offended but before anything can come of this, a wedding procession appears on the right. Nevers and Valentine are surrounded by their friends and relatives, as well as a group of young girls. The procession makes its way across the square to the church on the left. The Catholics kneel as the procession passes by.*

Two Young Catholic Girls: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN WHO PRAYS FOR ALL SINNERS AND WHO TAKES AWAY ALL OUR SORROWS

Catholic Women: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA

All the Catholic Girls and Women: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN MARY

*As the procession enters the church, Marcel enters with letter in hand.*

Marcel: The Comte de Saint-Bris?

Catholics: shhhhhh you can’t talk to him right now

Marcel: WHY NOT

Catholics: GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAAY IT’S THE LOOOOOOOOOORD

Marcel: YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO BOW MY HEAD OR GET OUT OF THE WAY IT’S NOT LIKE GOD IS IN THE PROCESSION OR ANYTHING 

Catholics: THAT’S BLASPHEMY 

Bois-Rosé: HE’S RIGHT THOUGH

Marcel: WHEN THERE’S TOO MUCH DRAMA AT THE PRÉ-AUX-CLERCS, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IIIIIIIIIIS WALK AWAAAAYAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAY

*He leaves.*

Huguenot Soldiers: RATAPLAN RATAPLAN RATAPLAN LONG LIVE WAR AND LONG LIVE COLIGNY DRINK UP EVERYONE

Catholic Women: BLESSED BE THE HOLY VIRGIN WHO PRAYS FOR ALL SINNERS 

Catholic Men: THE HUGUENOTS ARE ALL WICKED BLASPHEMERS WITH HARDENED HEARTS THEY SHOULD ALL BE BURNED ALIVE AND THAT’LL PREPARE THEM FOR THE FIRES OF HELL BECAUSE BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE IS DEFINITELY NOT AN OVERREACTION TO A MINOR ARGUMENT OVER RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE

Huguenot Women: *do not say or sing anything for whatever reason*

*The people become increasingly upset and begin threatening each other. At the moment when it’s about to come to blows, a group of Romani dancers, musicians, and fortune-tellers arrives on the scene.*

Two Romani Girls: HEY EVERYONE IF YOU WANNA HAVE YOUR FORTUNES TOLD FOR A VERY SMALL FEE WE CAN DO JUST THAT TRALALALALALALALA

Townspeople: COME DANCE WITH UUUUUUUUUUUUS

*The Romani dancers dance with various townspeople, successfully lowering tensions so the people no longer want to burn each other alive or commit other acts of violence, at least for the moment. 

After the group leaves and the townspeople resume their normal activities, Nevers, Saint-Bris, and Maurevert leave the church.*

Nevers: Valentine wants to stay in the church until later tonight and pray. And that’s completely fine by me! If anything, it gives me more time to prepare the rest of the festivities so I can come back later and give her the grand procession home that my dear new wife deserves. Anyway, catch you later.

*He leaves.*

Saint-Bris: Thanks to him marrying my daughter, I can save face and not be completely dishonored, but there’s absolutely no way I can forget or forgive Raoul’s insult, and if we should ever meet again—

*Marcel comes back with the same letter.*

Marcel: The Comte de Saint-Bris? 

Saint-Bris: …Can I help you?

Marcel: My master asked me to give this letter to you, and I—

Saint-Bris: WAIT YOU’RE RAOUL’S SERVANT GIMME THAT LETTER NOW

*He snatches the letter from Marcel’s hands.*

AT LAST RAOUL IS IN PARIS

Marcel: YEAH WE JUST ARRIVED HERE FROM TOURAINE WITH MARGUÉRITE DE VALOIS AND HER COURT AND YOU DIDN’T SO HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT

Saint-Bris: Given that the reason for that is that your master insulted my daughter and me in front of just about the entire French court, including the Princess, and for whatever reason she thought it would be a good idea to keep him with her—I guess to keep an eye on him—that’s not the flex you think it is.

Marcel: AT ANY RATE WE’RE ALL IN PARIS NOW

Saint-Bris: AND THANK GOD FOR THAT

*He opens the letter and reads the first sentence.*

He has challenged me to a duel!

Marcel: WAIT WHAT OH GOD WHAT IS MY MASTER DOING

Saint-Bris: *showing Maurevert the letter* He wants to have the duel today, right here at the Pré-aux-Clercs, when it’s dark and everyone else has already turned in for the night. ***

Maurevert: Right here! In this very place! It’s perfect!

Saint-Bris: GOD WANTS REVENGE SO HE IS BRINGING RAOUL HERE TO ME AND RAOUL WILL NOT LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE

*He turns to Marcel.*

I accept the challenge. We shall wait for him here.

*Marcel leaves.*

We absolutely cannot have Nevers find out about this. It’s his wedding day, for Pete’s sake! We can’t have him potentially getting himself killed on his own wedding day!

Lord Arturo Bucklaw: *popping in from an opera that had premiered only five months earlier* YEAH THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK

Saint-Bris: GO BACK TO YOUR OWN OPERA

Maurevert: We also can’t have you potentially getting killed on your own daughter’s wedding day!

Look at it this way: he’s Protestant. Protestants suck. God hates Protestants. God is okay with Protestants dying. We can find a way to guarantee he dies.

Saint-Bris: …I’m intrigued. What do you have in mind?

Maurevert: God wills it! We have some ideas. Let’s go into the church to discuss them. ****

*They go back into the church. A church bell rings the hour as a nightwatchman appears.*

The Nightwatchman: ALRIGHT EVERYONE IT’S CURFEW TIME IN PARIS SO PACK IT UP AND GO HOME AND SHUT UP

Townspeople: aww nuts alright everyone it’s curfew time so uh let’s pack it up and go home and shut up

Bois-Rosé: Let’s all go and drink, my friends, and have fun that never ends; let us all forget our rage, and this is the end of my time onstage!

A Catholic Student: Let’s go to our side of town and drink ‘til dawn and no more frown; let’s all go and have some shots and stay away from the Huguenots!

The Nightwatchman: SERIOUSLY Y’ALL GO THE FUCK HOME

Townspeople: IT’S CURFEW WE KNOOOOOOOOOOOW

*The nightwatchman leaves. The townspeople disperse, many going into the two inns. After the square has emptied, Saint-Bris and Maurevert emerge from the church.*

Maurevert: So it’s agreed? You understand what I mean?

Saint-Bris: Our friends will be here in an hour, and we can count on them. Got it. *****

*They leave. Night falls. Marcel returns and looks around to see if Raoul has arrived yet.* ******

Marcel: I want to wait for him here, and if he dies, I’ll die too!

I’M HONESTLY HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS RIGHT NOW ALL JOY IS FLEETING AND USELESS AND FATE IS JUST TAKING US ALONG FOR THE RIDE OF LIFE

But seriously: the whole city is celebrating this royal wedding and they’re being all like “oh!!! fun and peace!!!” and MEANWHILE, we can’t even exist for even a day without the threat of death hanging over us—just because we’re Protestants! 

*He impatiently looks around for Raoul again. Nothing. He sighs sadly.*

Let us pray; it is the only thing that can help us!

*He kneels and begins to pray.*

God, defend us! We’re alone and defenseless and this place isn’t safe for us. We have pretty much no one to lead us or support us; we’re being forsaken by everyone who’s supposed to protect us!

THE YOUTH THESE DAYS SERIOUSLY I well told Raoul to avoid mingling with the Catholics at all costs and I told him that they would try to entice him but it was a trap…but he didn’t listen! No one listens to us old folk.

No, Marcel, what are you doing? Stop moaning and groaning—you need to pray!

*He tries to compose himself by praying, but it doesn’t help.*

Please, almighty God, defend us, protect us! We’re alone in the world—

And what would his father say? He entrusted his own son to me; what would we say to each other about all this?

He’d say “You need to stop this duel!” And I’d say, “But our honor is at stake…” And he’d say, “But what about respect and mercy?” And I’d say, “But we’re soldiers!” And he’d say, “All soldiering does is lead to useless death!” 

What’s going to happen? Dear God, the moment is at hand…You must pray! Pray!

Almighty God, protect and defend us! We’re alone in this world, and this place isn’t safe for us, and death is hanging over our heads and we have no one to lead or guide us…

IT’S ALL TOO MUCH GOD HAVE MERCY ON US AND PROTECT AND DEFEND US

God, have mercy on us…have mercy!

*He disappears into the darkness. Immediately after this, Valentine appears at the door of the church.*

Valentine: OH GOD I’M SO TERRIFIED I’M SHAKING EVEN AT THE SOUND OF MY OWN FOOTSTEPS I THINK I MIGHT BE LOSING MY MARBLES

I was behind a pillar, and no one could see me, and I was trying to pray but I heard everything! They’re going to try to murder Raoul, and I have to save him—not for his sake, dear God; please don’t hold this against me, I don’t want to be unfaithful; but for my father’s sake, so he doesn’t have blood on his hands and the sin of murder on his soul!

BUT HOW DO I WARN RAOUL

*Marcel returns and Valentine goes back into the church.*

Marcel: My plan is still the same: wait for him, be here at the duel, and if he dies—I die too!

I’M WAITING HERE ALL ALONE AND I’M HEARING STRANGE NOISES AND THEY’RE MAKING ME REALLY NERVOUS AND SCARED IT’S SO UNSETTLING Marcel do the smart thing and find a place to stand guard

*Valentine hesitantly emerges from the church, veiled.*

Valentine: Dear God, I don’t have a lot of time! It’s almost time for the duel and I’m right where it’s supposed to happen and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WARN RAOUL SO PLEASE HELP ME

Marcel: WHO’S THERE

Valentine: (Oh thank God, it’s his servant, Marcel!)

HEY MARCEL

Marcel: UH WHAT SOMEONE JUST CALLED MY NAME WHO’S THERE

Valentine: COME OVER HERE

Marcel: STOP RIGHT THERE AND GIVE THE PASSWORD OR ELSE I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

Valentine: (What password?) Uh…Raoul?

Marcel: Raoul? Actually, you know what, that’ll do. Come forward so I can see you.

*Valentine steps into the light.*

A VEILED WOMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Valentine: Are you afraid of me?

Marcel: Me, afraid??? ME???

Come on, you know me: I’m Marcel! I’m the old defender of the true God! I fight godless Catholics like you! I’M DOIN’ JUST FINE (i lied i’m dyin’ inside)

Valentine: WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS LISTEN UP BOOMER

Marcel: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME

Valentine: LISTEN!!! Raoul is coming here for a duel.

Marcel: Yeah, I know. He’s fighting a horrible, horrible, wicked man in order to avenge his honor. God will defend him. Tell me something I don’t know.

Valentine: Let’s just say that you absolutely must make sure that Raoul has extra people on backup to help defend him. His opponent is planning to pull something really bad so YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE HE HAS BACKUP!!!

*She signals to him to go find Raoul. Marcel leaves in search of Raoul, leaving Valentine with some time to Process Her Feelings™.*

That ungrateful man hurt me so badly when I did absolutely nothing to offend him! But I still love him with everything I have, even though my life has been destroyed! So, I have a chance to save his life, and I want to save his life just like he saved mine in Amboise all that time ago…

Marcel: I WANTED TO TELL HIM BUT I FORGOT HE ALREADY LEFT TO COME HERE AND THAT HE TOLD ME TO GO AHEAD AND WAIT FOR HIM HERE WHEN HE LEFT PROBLEM NOW IS THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE HE IS OR IF I’LL EVEN HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO WARN HIM BEFORE THE DUEL SO I’M TORN ABOUT WHAT TO DO

Valentine: …and then, if I have to forget him, I’ll simply die!

Marcel: OH GOD IF HE SHOWED UP WHILE I WAS GONE THEY’D ALL ATTACK HIM AND HE’D BE COMPLETELY ALONE AND DEFENSELESS AND HE’D BE CRYING OUT FOR ME AS THEY MURDER HIM SO I HAVE TO STAY

But what can I do? What can one man do against so many?

*He begins to sob.*

I’ll do the only thing I can do if things go wrong: I’ll die upon his corpse! I’ll die with him, like a faithful servant!

Valentine: He hurt me so badly, but I still love him with everything I have…and if I have to forget him, I’ll die!

Marcel: God have mercy on me!

Valentine: You clearly understood what I meant. I’ve done what I need to here; goodbye.

*She makes to go back into the church, but Marcel holds her back.*

Marcel: No! Who are you? I want to know!

Valentine: I’m…(Do I tell him who I actually am?)

Marcel: Who are you?

Valentine: I’m…Marcel, I’ll tell you this much: I’m a woman who loves Raoul with everything I have and would gladly die to save his life!

Marcel: Really? You love him that much?

Valentine: OH YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WORDS CANNOT ADEQUATELY EXPRESS EVERYTHING I’M GOING THROUGH BUT I’LL TRY TO EXPLAIN

Faith, love, and duty are all fighting in my heart! In order to save Raoul, the man I love with every fiber of my being, I’m betraying both my own honor and my father! But I do my best: I beg forgiveness and I place my trust in God, because only God understands every heart!

Marcel: *deeply moved* You have nothing to regret or repent of—you are a devoted and truly noble soul! Don’t cry, my child; from the bottom of my heart, I give you my blessing! Remember: old men’s humble prayers and blessings can do a lot of good, and I trust that God will hear me and grant you His grace!

Valentine: *breaking down into sobs* Thank you, but you truly cannot understand my suffering…I’ll try to explain it as best as I can even though there aren’t enough words…faith and love and duty, and I’m getting torn apart between them all…

Marcel: *to himself* I was always told that women, especially Catholic women, were deceitful from top to toe, inside and out…but her sincerity and her passion come STRAIGHT from God!

*trying to comfort Valentine* Please, don’t cry, there’s nothing to be ashamed of…

Valentine: BUT I DO MY BEST AND I HUMBLY PLEAD FOR FORGIVENESS AND PLACE MY TRUST IN GOD BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND EVERYONE INCLUDING ME

Marcel: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO REGRET OR REPENT YOU ARE TRULY AND YOU HAVE MY BLESSING AND I BELIEVE THAT IT CAN DO A LOT OF GOOD AND FOR MY SAKE GOD WILL GRANT YOU HIS GRACE 

Valentine: I’M BEING TORN APART AND I’M BETRAYING MY HONOR AND MY FATHER 

DEAR GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME I’M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU

Marcel: FROM HEAVEN ABOVE GOD WILL HEAR ME AND GRANT YOU HIS GRACE BECAUSE I GIVE YOU MY BLESSING

*Valentine takes off in the direction of the church. Marcel tries to stop her so he can question her further, but she runs back into the church.*

Okay, so I’m not one hundred percent sure what kind of danger Raoul’s in, but he’s definitely in danger! Wake up! We must save Benjamin!  *******

*Raoul, Saint-Bris, Tavannes, Cossé, (who are serving as Saint-Bris’ seconds) de Retz, and Méru (who are serving as Raoul’s seconds) enter.* ********

Saint-Bris: Good, we’ve gotten here at the same time.

Raoul: Excuse me? Are you calling my punctuality into question?

Marcel: (How do I warn Raoul about what his opponent is going to try to pull?)

Raoul: OH HEY MARCEL

Marcel: Did you think I wasn’t going to be here?

*He pulls Raoul aside and whispers in his ear.*

An angel came and gave me a warning. Master, you’ve walked right into a trap!

Raoul: MARCEL! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???

Marcel: …No?

Raoul: Now, I’m not super-experienced with this kind of thing. You four presumably have more experience. Read the duel commandments—I don’t know if there are actually ten or not but anyway, I trust you to ensure a fair fight.

I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHIIIIIIIIIINE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAIIIIIIIIIIN I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT SPRING WILL COME AGAIN BESIDES WHICH YOU SEE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME BY WHICH I MEAN I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT MY CAUSE IS JUST

Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE

Raoul: In order to avenge myself—

Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: LET THE SWORD BE THE JUDGE 

I demand satisfaction! Give me a good sword and some courage; every man for himself and God for all!

Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE SO LET THE SWORDS AVENGE OUR HONOR, LET  EVERY MAN FIGHT FOR HIMSELF, AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL

Marcel: THIS IS HORRIBLE IT FEELS LIKE GOD IS FORSAKING US 

They’ve betrayed him! God, have mercy and save Raoul, he’s like a son to me!

*The seconds meet in the center of the square.*

Seconds: Number one: no matter what, we will start at the same time. Number two: The fight is three against three—one opponent and two seconds—to the death.

Raoul, de Retz, and Méru: Agreed.

Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and Cossé: Understood.

*Two of the seconds take Raoul and Saint-Bris’ swords and daggers, examining and measuring them. The other two mark out the paces.*

Marcel: THEY’VE BETRAYED RAOUL DEAR GOD PLEASE SAVE HIM

Seconds: Number three: This fight will only involve us. No one else will take part pinky promise we’re definitely not crossing our other fingers behind our backs 

Raoul, de Retz, and Méru: Agreed.

Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and Cossé: Understood.

Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: Number four: absolutely no mercy to whoever loses. 

Raoul, de Retz, and Méru: Agreed.

Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and Cossé: Understood.

Raoul, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THE JUSTICE OF MY CAUSE SO LET THE SWORDS DECIDE THE RESULT

*Marcel joins the back-and-forth.*

Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and Cossé: THEY’RE ALREADY SHAKING LIKE THE COWARDLY WUSSES THEY ARE

Raoul, Marcel, de Retz, and Méru: LET’S JUST IGNORE THAT AND NOT GET PSYCHED OUT

Saint-Bris, Tavannes, and Cossé: LET’S THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND AND BE BRAVE

Raoul, Marcel, de Retz, and Méru: EN GARDE YOU COWARDS

Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS FIGHT TO BE OVER

Saint-Bris and Méru: THEY’RE ALREADY SHAKING LIKE THE COWARDLY WUSSES THEY ARE

Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, and de Retz: LET’S JUST IGNORE THAT AND NOT GET PSYCHED OUT

Saint-Bris, Cossé, and Méru: I REALLY HOPE WE CAN KILL HIM AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL

Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, and de Retz: LET’S GET THIS DUEL STARTED

Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: I REALLY HOPE WE CAN END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL

Raoul, Marcel, Tavannes, Cossé, and de Retz: LET’S GET OUR SWORDS AND SOME COURAGE

Saint-Bris and Méru: ALL WE NEED IS OUR RAGE

Raoul and Marcel: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL AND LET’S GET SOME COURAGE 

Saint-Bris and Tavannes: WE HAVE TO KILL HIM

The Other Seconds: GOD HELP US ALL

Saint-Bris and de Retz: THOSE DIRTY PROTESTANTS ARE DEFYING HEAVEN’S WRATH

Saint-Bris: GOD WANTS US TO KILL THEM

Raoul and Marcel: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND MAY GOD HELP US ALL

The Seconds: WE HAVE TO KILL HIM

*Everyone gets into place for the beginning of the duel.*

Raoul, Marcel, Saint-Bris, and the Seconds: ALRIGHT LET’S FIGHT AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL SWORDS UP EN GARDE 

*Raoul and Saint-Bris begin the duel. A loud noise is heard from the back, and Marcel runs in the direction of the noise.*

Marcel: STOP I CAN’T TELL HOW MANY PEOPLE THERE ARE OR IF THEY’RE ARMED BUT THERE’S DEFINITELY PEOPLE COMING

*He draws his sword.*

WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS HERE

*Maurevert appears with two other men. All three are armed.*

Maurevert: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

OH MY GOD HEY EVERYONE THERE ARE A BUNCH OF HUGUENOTS TRYING TO MURDER ONE OF OUR OWN AND THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT BASICALLY EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING

*Saint-Bris, Maurevert, the four seconds, and the two armed men line up side by side.*

ALL DEFENDERS OF THE TRUE GOD COME OUT HERE

*A dozen armed Catholics who had been waiting behind the tree spring out of hiding and join Maurevert, leaving Raoul and Marcel almost completely surrounded.*

Marcel: WHAT BETRAYAL YOU MONSTERS GOD SEES WHAT YOU’RE DOING

*The Huguenot soldiers are heard singing in the tavern on the right. Marcel barely escapes and starts banging on the door.*

IN THE NAME OF COLIGNY HELP DEFEND US AND THE PROTESTANT FAITH

*The soldiers come pouring out of the tavern.*

AT LAST GOD YOU GRANT US VICTORY

*Saint-Bris begins banging on the door of the tavern on the left.*

Saint-Bris: HEY YOU BRAVE STUDENTS GET YOUR BUTTS OUT HERE AND HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AGAINST THESE HUGUENOT TRAITORS

A Catholic Student: WE’RE ALL COMING

*The students come pouring out in similar fashion. Raoul and Saint-Bris resume their duel.*

Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: HERE WE ARE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

Catholic Students: YEAH GET OUTTA HERE

Huguenot Soldiers: GO BACK TO YOUR CLASSES SCHOOLBOYS

Catholic Students: YOU’RE ALL PRAYER MUTTERERS AND DEVIL WORSHIPPERS

Huguenot Soldiers: Y’ALL ARE WEAK-ASS SOLDIERS WHO FIGHT FOR HOLY WATER FOUNTS

Catholic Students: Ah, so THIS is what Calvinist honor looks like!

Huguenot Soldiers: And THIS is what Papist loyalty looks like! 

Catholic Students: TO THE STAKE WITH ALL YOU HEATHENS

Huguenot Soldiers: TO THE DEVIL WITH ALL YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS BIGOTS

*The Catholic and Huguenot women with the soldiers and students pour into the square and begin insulting each other in similar fashion.*

Catholic Women: YOU EAT WITH HERETICS

Huguenot Women: YOU DANCE WITH THE STUDENTS AND DANCING IS BAD

Catholic Women: GO HIDE WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE YOU SHAMELESS HORRIBLE WOMEN

Huguenot Women: YOU’RE THE SHAMELESS HORRIBLE ONES AND YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND SHUT ALL THE WAY UP

Catholic Women: YOU’RE THE HUGUENOTS’ LITTLE PLAYTHINGS

Huguenot Women: YOU’RE THE PETS OF FILTHY HYPOCRITES

All the Women: GET THE FUCK OUT WE’VE HAD IT SO WATCH OUT

*The people continue to repeat the same insults.*

All the Townspeople: ENOUGH OF INSULTS GOD WILLS IT

Raoul, Marcel, and Saint-Bris: YOU COWARDS YOU COULDN’T TRUST A FAIR OUTCOME SO YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR FRIENDS THERE THAT’S NOT FAIR AT ALL NOW LET’S FIGHT AND GOD WILL DECIDE THE RESULT

*Saint-Bris stops for a moment.*

Saint-Bris: Very well! Until now, we’ve had a duel that was all nice and proper! But you’ve forced my hand—LET THIS BECOME AN ALL OUT WAR NO RULES NO MERCY

Raoul: VERY WELL THEN ALL OUT FIGHT TO THE DEATH 

Everyone: LET’S GO IT’S AN ALL OUT FIGHT TO THE DEATH

*The duel turns into a mass street riot.*

NOT ANOTHER WORD DEATH TO ANYONE WHO OPPOSES US GOD WILLS IT

*An entourage of royal guards and pages, including Urbain, arrives and breaks up the riot.*

Urbain: EVERYONE STOP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR MARGUÉRITE DE VALOIS

*Everyone clears to opposite ends of the square as Marguérite enters on horseback with her royal suite. She dismounts.*

Marguérite: Are. you. KIDDING ME??? Even in Paris, the very home of the King, the center of our power, we have to live in fear of you fighting like this?!?!?! I can’t even go out on a Sunday night and return home without running into a riot?!?! 

Someone tell me who started it. Now.

Saint-Bris: *pointing to Raoul, Marcel, and the Huguenot soldiers* IT’S THEIR FAULT WE WERE JUST TRYING TO GET JUSTICE BECAUSE THEY BETRAYED US

Raoul: *pointing to Saint-Bris* IT’S HIS FAULT HE TRIED TO MURDER US FOR LITCHRALLY NO REASON

Marguérite: Great, I can’t even get a conclusive answer! Who am I supposed to believe??? And these are very serious accusations that you two are making. What proof is there to back them up?

Marcel: I HAVE PROOF LET ME TELL YOU

*He points to Saint-Bris and Maurevert.*

THEY WANTED TO MURDER MY MASTER

Saint-Bris: OH GOD WHO TOLD YOU

Marguérite: Um…I have the same question.

Marcel: I CAN TELL YOU 

This woman, she could’ve been an angel for all I know, came and told me because she wanted to save Raoul! And she was completely right about Raoul being in danger because of these TRAITORS!!!

Saint-Bris: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES

If you’re telling the truth, which you surely are not, then where is this woman NOW, huh???????

*Conveniently for Marcel and for the advancement of the plot, at this exact moment Valentine emerges from the church, still veiled.*

Marcel: WAIT THERE SHE IS

*Everyone turns to look at the veiled woman.*

Townspeople: THE PLOT THICKENS

Saint-Bris: So SHE’S the one who accused and betrayed me? I WILL FIND OUT WHO THIS FAITHFUL INFORMANT IS

*Valentine, who is (understandably) extremely uncomfortable with all this, runs down the church steps and tries to escape, but Saint-Bris chases after her and pulls her veil off.*

MY DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!?!

Townspeople: OH GOD SHIT JUST GOT REAL

Saint-Bris: You…here…at this late an hour…

Valentine: Father, please—

Saint-Bris: WHAT AUDACITY YOU HAVE TO BETRAY ME LIKE THIS

Valentine: Everything overwhelms me! 

Saint-Bris: YOU’RE A DOUBLE CROSSER

Valentine: I’M SORRY THIS REALLY ISN’T A GREAT SITUATION AND I DON’T LIKE IT EITHER

Saint-Bris: YOU WANT TO DESTROY MY REPUTATION

Valentine: NO I DON’T PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Raoul: What?…What is going on here?…I can scarcely believe it—what noble bravery!

Marguérite: I can scarcely believe it…

Raoul: She stood up for me, she defended me against her terrifying, domineering father—even after I insulted her!

Marguérite: I didn’t know she had such noble bravery in her!

Valentine: You’ve accused me of trying to ruin you when I wanted to do no such thing! Do you really think that I would try to do that to you?

Marguérite, Urbain, and a Lady-in-Waiting: SHE STOOD UP AGAINST THE CRUELTY OF HER FATHER THAT’S HONESTLY REALLY HUGE

Everyone Else: WOW WHAT’S GOING ON HERE

Raoul: WAIT HOLD UP A SECOND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS WILLING TO SAVE MY LIFE BY RISKING HER FATHER’S WRATH WHEN SHE DOESN’T EVEN LOVE ME

Marguérite: What are you talking about? She only loves you!

Valentine: MADAME FOR MERCY’S SAKE PLEASE DON’T MAKE THIS WORSE

Raoul: THAT’S NOT TRUE SHE BETRAYED ME

Marguérite: EXCUSE ME WHAT WHERE DID THIS HAPPEN

Raoul: AT NEVERS’ HOUSE

Valentine: WAIT WHAT

Raoul: YEAH I SAW HER WITH NEVERS AT HIS HOUSE

Marguérite: OH MY GOD VALENTINE ONLY WENT THERE BECAUSE THEY WERE ENGAGED AND SHE WAS GOING TO BREAK OFF HER ENGAGEMENT—

Valentine: PLEASE THIS IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE HIM FEEL WORSE

Marguérite: —SO SHE COULD MARRY YOU

Raoul: WAIT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Townspeople: OH GOD OH FUCK

Saint-Bris: VALENTINE HOW DARE YOU THIS WHOLE THING IS UNFORGIVABLE

Everyone: OH GOD WHAT AN OUTRAGE THIS SITUATION IS SO FUCKED UP 

Raoul: So I’m the one who’s unworthy of her, not the other way around…

Everyone: YUP THIS WHOLE THING IS SO FUCKED UP

Raoul: OH GOD I INSULTED HER FOR NO REASON VALENTINE I’M SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME

*He turns to Saint-Bris.*

I know this is super-awkward timing and a bad situation in general, but can I please marry your daughter? I love her madly!

*Valentine opens her mouth to speak but Saint-Bris cuts her off.*

Saint-Bris: You loved her?

Raoul: I still do! All I ask is for your forgiveness and her hand in marriage.

Saint-Bris: You really still love her?

Raoul: WITH ALL MY HEART AND WITHOUT HER I WILL NEVER HAVE TRUE HAPPINESS AGAIN

Saint-Bris: WELL THAT JUST MAKES TODAY ALL THE SWEETER AND MORE SCHADENFREUDE-Y

You beg me for her hand in marriage? Well, I have some news for you: she’s no longer mine to ask for, because earlier today she and Nevers were married—SHE’S NOW THE WIFE OF ANOTHER MAN!!! 

Townspeople: WAIT SHE’S BEEN MARRIED OFF TO SOMEONE ELSE???

Huguenot Soldiers: Oh, good Lord!

*At this moment, a joyous march can be heard in the distance.*

Saint-Bris: WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT! Her husband is coming back to get her! 

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY AND WE ARE TRIUMPHANT AND IT’S A SPECTACLE WORTHY OF THE SAINT-BRIS AND NEVERS FAMILIES

*A large boat, richly decorated and lit, sails down the river. Onboard are Nevers, musicians, pages, several members of the court, and Nevers and Valentine’s entire wedding party. Nevers gets off the boat and rushes in to greet Valentine.*

Nevers: My noble wife, my dear Valentine, come with me! I love you, and I hope we can cherish our vows together! There’s a whole party waiting so we can celebrate this happy day together—I adore you and I’m proud to be your husband and your friend!

*The Romani dancers and musicians return and take up the festive music. They approach Valentine and Nevers and present them with flowers and sweets. Nevers signals to one of the pages to give them gold. The dancers dance and the others bring in torches. Nevers takes Valentine’s hand and escorts her to the boat; they are followed by Saint-Bris, Nevers’ pages, and the entire wedding escort.*

Marguérite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: THEIR WEDDING PARTY IS GOING TO BE AMAZING MAY HEAVEN BLESS THEM WITH LONG LIVES AND A HAPPY HOME LET’S ALL SING AND DANCE AND CELEBRATE 

LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL OF BRIDES AND MAY HEAVEN BLESS THIS COUPLE WITH JOY

*The Catholic students and Huguenot soldiers begin threatening each other again.*

Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: NO MORE PEACE WE HAVE TO FINISH THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL SO REVENGE OR DEATH

Marguérite: EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING AND SHOW SOME RESPECT

Marguérite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: MAY THEY HAVE LONG HAPPY LIVES AND THE BEST WEDDING PARTY EVER ANYWAY LET’S ALL CELEBRATE

Raoul: I FUCKED UP AND NOW MY LIFE IS OVER

Marguérite and Urbain: RAOUL PLEASE CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Saint-Bris: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER ULTIMATE SCHADENFREUDE

Catholic Students and Huguenot Soldiers: ENOUGH OF THIS OUR ONLY OPTIONS ARE VENGEANCE OR DEATH

Marguérite and Urbain: CALM DOWN!!! but really things are not looking good at all

Raoul: NOW SHE’S MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I FUCKED UP SPECTACULARLY I HATE THIS AND I HATE HER NEW HUSBAND BECAUSE HE’S MY RIVAL

Marcel: THIS IS SO MESSED UP

Marguérite: EVERYONE STOP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT

Nevers and Valentine: *do not say anything, for some reason*

Marguérite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: WE LOVE WEDDINGS AND MAY THEY HAVE THE BEST WEDDING PARTY EVER AND THE BEST MARRIAGE EVER AND LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF BRIDES

Raoul, Marcel, Catholic Students, and Huguenot Soldiers: ENOUGH OF THIS NO MORE PEACE 

Marguérite, Urbain, Saint-Bris, Wedding Party Members, and Townspeople: LONG LIVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL OF BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDES

*Once everyone in the wedding party is on board the boat, it sails away as the majority of the crowd waves it goodbye. Marguérite remounts her horse and leaves with her entourage; the people bow. Groups of Protestants and Catholics continue to threaten each other from across the square.*

Notes

Due to technical issues (unrelated to the ones that caused me to have to remake this post), Acts IV and V are on a separate post here.

[anaratto]

Eugène Scribe by Nadar

gouache over charcoal on brown paper, between 1855 and 1859

[flammentanz]

Paul Edwin Roth - a versatile character actor and Germany’s Dr. Watson

Paul Edwin Roth was born into a family of doctors in Hamburg on October 22, 1918 and grew up in the Hanseatic city. After graduating from high school at the "Johanneum" in Hamburg, he actually had other career plans and wanted to become a doctor like his father. Only at the urging of his mother did he attend the drama school of the "Deutsches Schauspielhaus" from 1937 until 1939. Roth made his stage debut in 1939 at the "Stadttheater Heilbronn" as Gustave de Grignon in the comedy "What the Ladies Like" by Eugène Scribes, followed by engagements in Karlsruhe, Heidelberg, Darmstadt and Wiesbaden.

At the end of the Second World War he was  severely wounded and probarbly traumatised by his horrible experiences he was released as a prisoner of war from the Russians.

In 1948 Roth played the leading part of Beckman in the stage play "Draußen vor der Tür" ("The Man Outside") by Wolfgang Borchert at the “Hebbel Theater” in Berlin. It was a huge success and Roth was regarded as one of Germanys most important character actors since then.

His other outstanding stage roles in the late 1940s included his interpretation of Moritz Stiefel in the drama "Frühlings Erwachen" ("Spring Awakening") by Frank Wedekind as well as the title role in Friedrich Schiller's play "Don Carlos".

Paul Edwin Roth gave his film debut in 1947 in “Und über uns der Himmel” (“And above as the Sky”) in which he played the former soldier Werner Richter, who lost his eyesight during the war but regaines it later. In 1949 he played in “Unser täglich Brot” (“Our Daily Bread”) the young blackmarketeer Harry Webers who commits suicide in the end. In his film carreer which spanned more than forty years he mostly played distinctive supporting roles.

Paul Edwin Roth's main field of activity had become television since the late 1950s. He made numerous television movies and appeared in many telesvision series. His role as lawyer Patterson in the second season of the television series “Gestatten mein Name ist Cox” (“May I introduce myself - my name is Cox”) (1965) was a big success. It was probably his excellent teamwork with the leading actor Günter Pfitzmann (Roth was some kind of his sidekick) that resulted in his most famous role two years later.

In 1967/68 the first West German TV channel ARD broadcast the only German television series about Sherlock Holmes. The series consists of six episodes originally written by BBC authors based on stories by Arthur Conan Doyle: “Das Gefleckte Band” (“The Speckled Band”), “Sechsmal Napoleon” (“The Six Napoleons”), “ Die Liga der Rothaarigen” (“The Red-Headed League”), “Die Bruce-Partington-Pläne” (“The Bruce-Partington Plans”), “Das Beryll-Diadem “ (“The Beryl Coronet”) and “Das Haus bei den Blutbuchen “ (“The Adventure of the Copper Beeches”) Strangely the credits don’t mention Sherlock Holmes but only Arthur Conan Doyle.

Erich Schellow (1915 - 1995) played the master dectective while Paul Edwin Roth  portrayed Dr. John H. Watson. They had a great chemistry (Schellow called his fellow actor Roth - whose two first names Paul and Edwin were drawn together as “Pled” as a nickname - “a clever guy”) and played the relationship between Holmes and Watson as warm but also as very ironic. The fact that the two of them are using the informal “you” (“Du” in German instead of “Sie”) particularly illustrates their loving relationship.

Erich Schellow plays Sherlock Holmes in an aristocratic manner with great dignity and much esprit. The actor wanted to add a touch of depravity to his portrayal (including the use of cocaine) but director Paul May disapproved of it and insisted on an irreproachable Sherlock Holmes.

Paul Edwin Roth (the mustache is false by the way) plays Dr. Watson not as a buffon like Nigel Bruce did but nevertheless he often provides funny moments. Watson’s constant use of his umbrella as a vessel for alcoholic beverages is the  running gag of the series. Altough he is a physician he does not appose at the least against intensive use of tobacco and alcohol. He is a very clever man who is proud of remembering every single name and address that is ever given to him. He is also a brave man who doesn’t hesitate to use his army revolver and in “Das Beryll Diadem” he even knocks down the criminal with a stick. Even if he doesn't know what’s going on he remains cool and makes some witty remarks. The dry sense of humour is an outstanding characteristic of the series.

Inexplicably, the series was not a great success. It was only repeated once in 1991. Luckily this gem was released on DVD in 2012 and re-released in 2021.

In addition to his extensive work for film and television, Paul Edwin Roth was also a renowned voice actor. Inter alia he regularly dubbed Montgomery Clift and Michel Bouquet but also Dirk Bogarde in "Accident" and Alan Bates in "Zorba the Greek" and Jason Robards in "By Love Possessed".

Paul Edwin Roth succumbed to cancer on October 27, 1985 in his home town Hamburg - a few days after his 67th birthday.