#especially the slice of life scenes which i found boring/annoying before and now i love?

[foxstens]

.......3 choices away from the end of nami-sensei’s route

[nicb0723]

Find Your Worth

John Wick x Reader

Summary: You meet John in an unconventional way.

A/N: Marcus is alive

Word Count: 12,357

Read Chapter 1

Read Chapter 2

Chapter 3

**

The next shift you work Officer Saunders stops in and introduces himself as Jimmy. He’s the same officer friend John did the favor for that fateful day and he’s also the officer who helped you get Max put away. What are the odds?

“He hasn’t come around or anything, right?”

You’re stocking the medicine section and squating on the floor, so you have to keep looking up as Jimmy keeps asking you questions. “No, sir. I haven’t heard anything from him. I actually heard he’s in rehab, so that’s good?”

“You hear that from John?”

“Yep. Don’t ask me how he found out.”

Jimmy smirks and adjusts his police cap on his head. “John knows a lot about everything it seems.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s kind of annoying.”

He laughs and helps you up when you’re finished with the last box. “I can see why John likes you, you tell it like it is.”

Smiling, you walk behind the counter to start on the schedule for next week. “Yeah? I probably annoy him too then.”

“Hmm, not the way he tells it. I’ve never seen him--” Jimmy gets cut off when his radio beeps loudly and he has to go. Before he leaves he tells you to give him a call if anything comes up, and you wonder what he was going to say. 

**

A few days later John wants to take you out to celebrate your promotion, but you tell him that the movie and sushi were plenty, but thank you anyway. He goes silent until he shows up at the gas station a few hours later.

“Hey!” You greet him with a warm smile. You secretly love it when he surprises you at work. “What’re you doing here?” John is wearing a suit again and you instinctively reach to his forehead where there’s a cut and bruise forming. “What happened? Are you okay?”

He grabs your hand before you can touch his sensitive skin. “I’m fine, just work.”

“Oh.” You hadn’t realized he had a job since you saw him last. He kept texting you every day like usual and didn’t mention it. For some reason it hurts your feelings, that he would keep something from you. “You didn’t tell me you were working.”

“It was quick. Didn’t even have to leave town. In and out.” 

“Oh.” You don’t really know what to say. “Okay.”

He’s still holding on to your hand and he’s just looking at you with a small grin.

“What’s that look for?”

“I mean, maybe my face does hurt a little.”

“Really?” You’re instantly concerned. “You want me to look at it? Do you want some aspirin or something?”

Slowly, he shakes his head, looking at you intently. “I think we know what the best remedy is for a bruise. How’s your foot?”

You realize that he wants a kiss and push him gently away. “John, stop. I was seriously worried.”

He laughs at your innocence and bows his head for forgiveness, but he’s still smiling. 

“Is that all you came here for?” You ask, bored of his antics but really it’s all just an act. You still get the butterflies.

“Well, no, Miss Assistant Manager, I really do want to take you out to celebrate.”

You sigh loudly. “I thought we already talked about this.”

“No, you talked about it.” John follows you up to the counter when the bell dings, signaling a customer came in. You quickly ring the couple up and they’re on their way back to a van full of screaming kids. John keeps himself busy looking at the magazine rack until you’re done.

“I have a feeling you won’t take no for an answer?”

He gives you the most pitiful expression, making you feel guilty. “If you want me to be sad, I’ll take the no.”

“Fine, John. But I have to work the next few days and I don’t really feel like going out.”

“I can cook. Just come over after your shift tomorrow.”

You give him a doubtful look. “You’ll cook or order take out?”

“I can cook… do you like grilled cheese?”

Laughing, you lean against the counter and smile. “Actually, that sounds good. Want me to bring anything?”

“Nope. I got this.” He tells you confidently. His phone beeps and he briefly looks at it. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I might be tired and grumpy after my shift, just warning you.”

He’s looking at you like he wants to do something, maybe give you a hug or tuck your hair behind your ear. He doesn’t though and starts to step towards the door. “I like a good challenge. You remember where I live?”

“Yes, I remember.” 

“Text me when you get home tonight.”

“Okay.” You never do and that just makes him frustrated until he texts you first, about thirty minutes after he knows your shift is over. He’s done it every night since going to the movie. You know he still has the motion detectors cameras on his phone so instead, you just wave at the cameras. 

Still though, it makes you feel special.

**

You end up bringing some homemade cookies you had time to bake since you didn’t have to be at work until eleven this morning. You got off at seven and the day had dragged on. Around seven thirty you get to John’s house, lit up and inviting. 

When you walk in you can’t mistake the smell of scented candles in the air. You try to hide a smile when you see John in the kitchen and he has on an apron, busy with whatever he’s making. He doesn't hear you until the dog makes a scene and demands your attention, wagging his tail and almost knocking you over. 

You gladly give it to him after putting the cookies on the counter and kneel on the floor, petting him and giving smooches. 

“Pooch! Off!”

The dog immediately obeys and runs towards John. 

“Can’t a girl get some love around here?” You ask, setting your purse down. You wore your tight jeans and took off your sweater in the car, leaving you in a black tank top. Usually you don’t show this much skin, but it’s hot out today and the air is broken at work.

John is good about not staring for too long, but he definitely notices. “No. I’m jealous.”

You walk towards him and open your arms for a hug. It’s the least you can do. “Hi. Thank you for making me dinner.”

His smile is worth the slightly awkward hug, which you have to stand on your tiptoes for. His hands are careful on your back, like you’re made of glass.

“How was your day?” He asks, pulling out a stool for you to sit and keep him company. 

“Long. Boring. I’m only slightly grumpy and tired.”

He grabs some white wine. “I think I can help with that. Or would you rather something else?”

“No, that’s perfect. Thank you. How was your day?” You don’t drink much wine, never really being able to afford it, but you can tell this bottle is expensive. It’s smooth and crisp, and it does make you relax.

“A little busy, actually. I have to go out of town next week for work.”

“Oh really?” You’re glad he’s telling you about a job this time. You don’t think a lot of people get to know about John Wick’s life and you like that he includes you in it. “Where are you going? Or maybe you can’t tell me?”

He’s focused on chopping lettuce. “California, probably San Francisco but the target might move.”

“Do you get to have any fun after you’re… done? Like, explore the city or anything?”

John shrugs and moves on to slice a tomato. “It’s not really a vacation. And I’d like to get home.”

“You probably want to rest, right?” You don’t mention that he might have to heal too, from the looks of quick jobs John has had, you can’t imagine how he’d come home after a job that lasts a few days. The bruise on his forehead has faded a little, and the cut is small but deep.

“Yeah. And lately I have things to look forward to now.” He glances to Pooch and then to you.

You’re getting really good at dodging his comments. “Do you want me to watch him while you’re gone? I’d be happy to.”

“I already promised Cassey, but thanks for offering.”

“Okay, just know the offer is always there.” You’re only a little disappointed. You like being able to help John out, especially after everything he’s done for you. 

He smiles brightly and grabs a plate of steaks you hadn’t seen, but you were wondering what that great smell lingering in the kitchen was. “Are you hungry?”

“No grilled cheese?”

“I was joking, I can at least grill some meat for you.”

You clutch your heart and head over to the table, first grabbing the bowl of vegetables he was slicing up. “My prince charming.” 

He laughs and gets the glasses of wine he had poured. This is perfect. It’s not fancy, but it’s really nice and you can tell he put in some effort. Both of you slide into chairs and he picks up his glass to clink it with yours. “Congratulations on your promotion. You deserve it.”

You blush and smile. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do all of this. We should have just gone out.”

“Nonsense.” He says and starts in on his salad. “I agree with you, this is better than sitting in a restaurant.”

You take a bite of your steak and moan. “This is so good. I can’t remember the last time someone cooked for me. I ate out all the time when grandma was in the hospital. This is a great treat.”

He puts his fork down and only hesitates a little, meaning another comment is about to come. “You know if you lived here, we could do this all the time.” 

Avoid and deflect, your new strategy. “So, San Francisco, huh? Have you ever been there before?”

He just shakes his head as usual at the way you change the subject. It seems you both are catching on to each other. “A few times. The food there is good. I don’t really leave the hotel much besides for work.”

“Do you ever get nervous, like before doing… whatever it is you’ll do?”

He takes a sip of wine. “Not anymore. I used to though. But now I do research, prepare, and survey first so I know what I’m walking into.”

You’re very intrigued. This is all so interesting. “How did you get started? I mean… was this what you wanted to do?” That would be really weird if John did choose this life. Choose to kill people. You don’t know if you can still hang out with him if he says yes.

“No, no… not at all. It’s actually a really long story. So is how I tried to get out.”

You look at him thoughtfully. “Sucks being good at something that you hate, hmm?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“Okay, just one more question and I’m done.”

John smiles and tells you to go ahead.

“Is it a natural talent or did you have to train?”

“Both. I went to an assassin school. In Russia.” He shifts in his chair, and you can tell he’s wondering if he’s telling you too much. “And Italy.”

Your eyes widen. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s what you could call it.”

Wow. You had no idea something like that would even exist. “It’s like something out of a movie.” 

He laughs softly. “I wish it was just a movie sometimes.”

“Well, if it were a movie you wouldn’t be sitting here with me eating this delicious steak.”

“That’s true. Are you sure it’s good?”

“Mmm.” You say with your mouth full and after you swallow, “Positive.” 

Both of you continue to eat and when you’re almost done John asks, “Did I see some cookies on the counter?” 

You nod and tell him not to judge. “I haven’t baked in a long time.”

“No judgement,” John agrees. “Do you think you can stay awhile and we can watch a movie or something?”

“Yeah, I don’t have to be at work until late afternoon.” You stand to help clear the dishes. When John starts to protest you tell him to stop it and you’re helping. 

The kitchen gets cleaned up fast and both of you fall on to the couch easily. You both had busy days and both of you are tired, so the TV is low and something is on, but you’re not really paying attention. After John gets up to let the dog out and grab some cookies, he sits closer to you. 

You side eye him suspiciously, but he just breaks a cookie in half and offers it to you. 

“Hey! Not bad,” You’re impressed with yourself yet again. 

“I would pay you to make these for me.” John says seriously. 

You elbow him in the side. “Just tell me when you want a batch and you got it.”

“Score.” He quietly celebrates a victory which makes you giggle. 

Before you know it, he’s covering you up with a blanket and turning the TV off. You must’ve fallen asleep because you’re completely stretched out on the couch and it’s incredibly comfortable.

You don’t want to get up but instead you yawn and mumble, “I should go home.” 

John kneels down beside the couch and you can feel a fingertip brush the hair out of your face. “It’s too late for you to drive.” He whispers softly. “You want to sleep in the bed? I can sleep down here.”

You don’t open your eyes and hope that he keeps touching you. “No, this is so good.” You tell him sleepily. “Are you sure you don’t mind? I can leave. I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“Don’t apologize.” His voice is still soft, and so is the touch of his thumb against your cheek. “Of course I don’t mind. Just come upstairs if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“Mm’kay.” You wait for him to gather the dog and turn off all the lights except one in the kitchen before he goes upstairs. Then you hear the sounds of the water running as he washes up and footsteps towards his bed. You weren’t lying, the couch is very comfortable but your jeans are not and you wiggle out of them, leaving you in boyshorts underwear and thin tank top. You slide out of your bra too, and toss your clothes in a pile on the floor. You figure you’ll sleep for a few more hours and then head home, before John will see you in the morning. 

You sleep hard for a while and the sound of whining startles you awake. Pooch is crying, his snout practically in your face and you sit up, trying to figure out where the hell you are. You eventually recognize the living room and assume he has to go outside, so you tip toe towards the sliding glass door and open it for him. He doesn’t go out and cries some more, staring at you and walking in between your legs, bumping at your knees. 

“What do you want? Food? Money?” You whisper and he starts up the steps towards upstairs, turning around to look at you again. He’s waiting for you to follow him? And then you hear a bang, like something heavy fell on the floor above. You hear John grunt and it doesn’t sound good at all. 

Rushing past the dog, you run up the stairs as fast as you can without falling. There’s hardly any light but you can make out shapes of furniture as you start to wake up.  “John! Are you okay?” You whisper loudly because what if he’s just fine? You’re probably panicking for no reason. He doesn’t answer though and you find him sitting on the floor, his back leaning against his bed. 

“What’re you doing down here?” You run your palm over his forehead and push his hair from his eyes. He’s sweating and clammy. He must be running a fever. “John, are you sick?”

“I don’t know.” He finally answers, and he’s holding the side of his stomach. “I think… I think it’s my appendix.”

You reach to turn on the lamp on the bed side table and you both squint at the sudden brightness. “Are you sure? Let’s get you back into bed.” He’s really heavy and you’re probably not helping very much, but he does manage to lay back down, hand still clutching his side. 

You sit on the bed, pushing up his t-shirt and pulling away his hand. “I don’t see anything.” Running your hand down his stomach, you notice it is a little swollen. It’s usually flat and slim under his tight t-shirts. Not that you’ve been looking or anything…

You also see a smatter of scars across his skin, a long jagged one under his belly button that probably came from a fight and from the looks of it, John is lucky to be alive. You stare for a little too long until he groans softly. 

And damn. He’s holding his right side. 

“Okay, no problem.” You tell him calmly, trying to get him to look at you instead of squeezing his eyes shut from pain.  “I’m just gonna drive you to the hospital and they’ll fix you all up.”

“I usually avoid hospitals.” He breathes out, finally looking at you. “What’re you wearing?”

Oh God. You look down at yourself and your tank top is not really covering anything up, especially as you’re leaning over and your legs are bare, underwear completely on display. You quickly situate yourself the best you can. “Um, I got comfortable. And that’s not really important right now.”

John leans back on the pillow and whimpers again, but this time not because of the pain. “I can’t believe the first time you’re in my bed and I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”

“Alright here we go.” You ignore him and start running around his room, not caring you’re just in underwear right now. “We gotta get you some pants and some shoes and your wallet. What else…” Talking to yourself helps calm your nerves and eventually, after opening his huge closet and most of the dresser drawers, you find some sweatpants and slippers he can wear.  “Okay, we gotta get you downstairs. Are you ready to walk?” 

John looks you up and down again, his face flushing and he grumbles. “Yeah, I’ve had much worse than this.” He has to stop a few times down the stairs though to breathe, waiting out the sharp pains until they dull enough so he can keep going.

You put his arm around your shoulders and your arm around his hips and the both of you go slow and steady. “Good job! You’re doing great. We’re almost there. Do you know where your wallet is?” Your voice is high and squeaky but you can’t help it. You know you need to hurry so his appendix doesn’t burst. 

“It’s in the bowl.”

You find it quickly and leave him to lean on the couch while you shuffle back into your jeans and turn around so you can slip your bra back on.  You find your shoes by the other side of the couch and realize John must have taken them off for you. That was sweet. “Okay, purse. I just need my purse and then we can go. Oh and my keys.” You walk back into the kitchen and find all of your stuff and rush back to John, who is walking slowly towards the closet.

“Here, wear my jacket. You’ll freeze.”

You slip the suit jacket on and smell John all around you. It’s so good. Focus. “I have your phone, do you need anything else?”

“We’re taking my car.” 

“You can’t drive!”

John just looks at you, sweaty hair falling in his eyes. “You can drive my car.”

“Umm… No, I don’t think so.”

“C’mon, let’s go.” John uses the wall to steady himself until you catch up to him, circling your arm carefully around his waist to help. You realize his whole body is shaking. 

“John, I can’t drive your car, what if I crash it?”

“You won’t.”

You feel bad for arguing with him when he’s sick, so you don’t say anything else and guide him gently to sit down in the passenger seat. You lean over to put his seatbelt on and you swear he smells your hair.

“Okay, I can totally do this. Where the hell am I going?” You ask as you press the button to open the garage door and start the car. John finds his phone that was in your purse and turns on Maps. 

“If I do go to the hospital, this is where I go.”

You put his phone where you can see it and the hospital is actually pretty close, only about a ten minute drive. “When did you have to go to the hospital last?”

He looks very uncomfortable and stiff so you reach over and grab his hand. He quickly threads his fingers through yours and leans back a little. “Uh, I got shot on a job and drove three hours.”

You try not to seem horrified. “Why didn’t you stop somewhere else?”

“I thought I could get the bullet out myself.”

Perfectly reasonable you think to yourself, sarcastically.  “You couldn’t do it?”

John whimpers when you drive over a few bumps, but otherwise this car is a smooth ride. “There was too much blood and I also sprained my wrist, so I couldn't get a good grip.”

“Is this worse than being shot?” You ask, trying to keep him distracted. 

“Neither are fun.”

You bite at your lip as you concentrate on the road. There’s no traffic because it’s so late and the hospital is close. “You’ll probably go right into surgery. I’ll check in on Pooch, okay? Is there anything else you want me to do?”

“No.”

You’re surprised he agreed so quickly and glad he doesn’t give you a hard time about it. 

“Are you sure?”

There it is. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Okay well, just stay at the house. Use the garage door opener to get in and out. Eat whatever you want. You can stay in my room, don’t--” He grabs at his stomach and winces, “don’t sleep on the couch. And his food is in the laundry room and he likes to run around in the backyard.”

“Anything else?”

He squeezes your hand. “Thank you.”

“Of course, John.” You pull up to the emergency door and put the car in park. “Friends take care of each other, right?” 

The car door opens and you hurry around to help John get inside. You stay with him as long as you can, talk to the doctor, give the nurse your phone number so they can call you when he’s out of surgery, and try to fill out as much paperwork as you can. When it’s time for you to leave, you lean over John and press your palm to his beard. 

“It’ll be over before you know it, okay? I’ll be here when they’re done.”

John weakly smiles at you and they start to wheel him away.

All you can do is hope you got here in time and that everything goes okay.

**

The drive back to your apartment sure is different in John’s fancy car. You don’t really want to drive it more than you have to and just stop by quickly to pack a small bag with your medicine, some clean clothes, and your old laptop. 

You leave John’s suit jacket on the back of a kitchen chair. You like that there's something of his at your place. 

Back at John’s house it’s quiet. Not too quiet though. It’s peaceful here. The dog is plenty company and you nap in his bed just because if you didn’t, he’d probably know and never let you hear the end of it. It really is the best bed you’ve ever slept in. Never mind the fact it smells like John, the pillows are soft and the sheets expensive. Definitely not from Target, like your own.

The kitchen is spacious, but you don’t cook anything except some toast to go with your bowl of cereal. You do eat the rest of John’s fruit though, and remind yourself to stop at the store so he has some fresh food in the house when he gets home. The only thing you feel slightly guilty about is taking advantage of the amazing bathtub adjacent to his bedroom. He only has some shaving cream, soap, and shampoo so you don’t think you’re completely invading his space, but it still feels weird. 

The view really is fantastic and you drink coffee, just staring out the window for the longest time. You look over to the lake and think about that day. You can’t see the picnic table where you first met John and for that, you are grateful. You still know it’s there though, but what matters is that you are on a completely different side of it now. You think about living here and how things could be. The fantasy is quite compelling, but that’s really all it is. It’s fun to think about though.

You get anxious for John to be out of surgery and you can’t stop looking at your phone. To keep occupied you walk around his living room a few times, noticing something new each round. The old books on the coffee table, the candles in the corner, and Pooch’s toys here and there. You half expect to find piles of picture frames, but they’re gone. There are a few photos of Pooch on the refrigerator door, but that’s it. The house could easily be considered cold and empty, but somehow it’s not. 

You finally get a call that John is doing well and ready to go home. He’s pale when you enter his recovery room and you immediately go to his side. 

“Hey, you feeling better?”

“Mmm.” He mumbles, still sleepy from the drugs. “Good as new.”

“Are you ready to go home?”

He nods, his eyes blinking slowly and you listen as the nurse explains that he’s lucky he got here when he did because his appendix didn’t rupture and just had to be removed. John needs to rest, he can’t get the incision sight wet or dirty, drink a lot of fluids, and he can’t lift anything over ten pounds. You get the prescription for his pain pills and she leaves you to go get a wheelchair. 

You go downstairs to get the car and John sleeps the whole way home. 

Getting him in bed should be interesting, but he’s more stable than you thought he’d be. You don’t try the stairs though and instead put him on the couch, covering him up with a blanket and putting the dog outside for some quiet. 

“Do you need anything?” You ask, sitting on the edge of the couch and you rub his shoulder a little. 

“Just you, here with me. Thanks for staying.”

“Duh, I’m happy to.” You smile, and it’s so true. You owe John a million debts in favors and this is just the start. “I’m gonna run and get some food and your pain pills, okay? You’re just going to sleep for awhile.”

“You’ll come back?”

“I promise I’ll be right back.”

He takes your hand from his shoulder and kisses the back of it, pressing his warm lips to your skin. You would have gotten a flutter of butterflies, but he promptly falls asleep and you doubt he’ll even remember the gesture.

You let the dog back in and calm him down before you leave so John has company if he wakes up. The trip to the store is fast and you’re glad you had already packed a bag so you don’t have to stop at your place. It feels weird driving your own car again, but you can’t bring yourself to drive John’s now that you don’t need to, but the memory behind the wheel will always be there.

It’s starting to get dark when you arrive back at his house and you peek in the living room to see if he’s up. He’s petting Pooch and sitting with a pillow behind his back. 

“Hey, how’re you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

You leave the bags of groceries on the counter, not being able to resist going to him. “You know, he came to wake me up last night.”

John looks surprised. “Really?”

“Yep, he saved you.”

“No,” John laughs softly. “You saved me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here.”

“Drive yourself to the hospital?” You guess and he shrugs. Yeah, he would have. You point to his stomach and you can see the bandage through his white shirt. “You’re gonna have a scar.” 

“Yes, another one.” He sighs, but it’s not sad. It’s just a fact.

“Are you hungry? You must be. How about some soup?” You get up from the couch and pat Pooch on the head. John grabs your hand to keep you there. 

“Seriously, thank you.”

You roll your eyes and smile. “You would’ve done the same for me, right?” 

Ah, that seems to get at him, finally. He scoffs and lets your hand go. “Okay, you’re right. It is weird accepting help after all this time.”

“Told you.” You poke at his beard, where you think there’s a hidden dimple and head to the kitchen. “And it feels good to help you, so I get where you were coming from.” 

“Good.” He struggles to get up and you go back to his side. 

“What’re you doing?”

He holds his stomach and uses the couch to help him stand. “I have to use the restroom.”

“Oh,” You help him walk slowly down the hallway and the more he walks, the more balanced he becomes. You leave him to do his thing and turn on the stovetop, dumping the premade soup you had bought in a pot and turn the oven on to warm some bread. The kitchen is so nice and everything seems to be brand new, shiny stainless steel. 

John makes it to the kitchen all by himself and goes to the counter to sit down. You want to tell him he should probably go lay on the couch, but his color is coming back and he looks more awake.

“This is not how I planned the rest of our night going.” 

That makes you perk up. “And what exactly were you planning?”

“Well, not a trip to the hospital. Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

You shake your head and pull out a chair to sit by him. “I got my shifts covered for the next few days. Consider me your nurse, Mr. Wick.”

First shock and then heat crosses his face. “Are you sure? I feel terrible… but not enough to send you away.”

You laugh and get up to find some bowls. “It’s absolutely fine. I have a ton of vacation hours I didn’t even know I had. And all the high school kids want more hours before school starts. I can work on the schedules from my computer, so you have nothing to worry about.”

His eyes track your every movement, even when you open wrong drawers or cabinets, he never corrects you. He’s letting you find your own way and just watches you thoughtfully. “I’m gonna take you on a real vacation.” It almost sounds threatening. 

Smiling, you don’t say anything as you pour the soup and gather warm bread in a basket. “Bon appetit.” You tell him sarcastically. Grocery store soup is not the best, but it’s all you could come up with at the last minute.  He doesn’t eat a lot anyway and is quickly full after just a few bites. You bet he’ll be wanting some more food in a while, but all the drugs are still in his gut. 

He watches as you clean up, the same look in his eyes while you were making dinner, like he can’t believe you’re still here. You let him observe and do your own thing, getting Pooch some dinner too, fresh water and letting him out while you rinse off the dishes and put the rest of the groceries away. 

When you’re all done, you turn to him and ask if he wants to go to bed. 

“I think I’m gonna take a shower first.” He says, “I feel gross.”

“John, you can’t do that, remember?” You tell him, opening the glass door for Pooch to come back in for the night. “You can’t get your bandage wet.”

He groans in frustration. “Great.”

You lean over and pretend to smell his armpit. “You do stink,” and he instantly smells himself, glaring at you when he realizes you’re joking.

With the most pitiful look, he pouts. “Help?”

“What’d you want me to do? Give you a sponge bath?”

His spirit lifts and you haven’t seen him smile like this since yesterday. “Are you offering?”

You lean against the counter and stare at him. “Are you serious?”

“I think my appendix bursting is the best thing that ever happened to me.” He slowly gets off the chair and starts to head upstairs. 

“It didn’t burst!” You call out after him and start to turn out all the lights. You consider grabbing your overnight bag you had put in the living room. You can’t imagine not sleeping in the same room as John. What if he needed something? You get it and jog up the stairs. You find John in his bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat, waiting for you. “It did not burst.” You repeat, having a feeling that John is acting like this just to get attention but you doubt you’ll never know for sure. 

He pouts some more. “It felt like it did.”

“Ugh, fine. But I’m going into nurse mode, so no funny business.” You’re stern but you really have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. You decide to just pretend you do and go to his closet to get a bunch of towels. You lean into the shower and grab the soap and shampoo, then start the water in the sink to get it warm. He’s watching you here too, but his gaze is less intense and softer than you have ever seen before. “This might hurt, take your time.” You help him slowly take his shirt off, trying not to jostle his side, and throw it to the floor. 

Your breath catches in your lungs. This is the first time you’ve seen him up close without a shirt and the scars littered across his chest are in all different shapes and forms, some faded almost white while others still pink and fresh. You’re relieved when you see that they’re all closed up at least, and healing. You wonder if he stitched them himself or if he had help. 

He watches while you take in your fill and you get embarrassed. “I’m sorry,”

“It’s fine, I got to see most of you last night.” He teases. “This is only fair.”

Now you’re embarrassed for an entirely different reason and you can feel the burn on your cheeks. “I didn’t think you’d remember that.”

He smirks and blushes too. “I definitely remember.”

“Shut up,” You tell him, with no force and you grab a washcloth to get it wet and soapy. “Okay, you can probably do your front by yourself?”

He seems disappointed but takes the towel from you, quickly rubbing over his chest and arms, up his neck and face. You give him a fresh cloth with just warm water so he can wash the suds away. Motioning for him to turn sideways on the seat, you slide your fingers through his hair. “Do you want me to wash it?” 

“Mm.. maybe tomorrow?” His head is bent down and he seems to be almost swaying at your touch. 

You get the soapy towel from him and start on his shoulders, letting the water drip down his tattoos. “What does it mean?” You ask, tracing the ink, not being able to help yourself.

“Fortune favors the brave.” He answers and pauses. “I got it while I was in the Marines.”

That explains a lot. You notice the two crosses, the large one on his back and the other on his shoulder. You think back to the first day you met him, asking if he was religious and he didn’t answer you. The tattoos only add mystery and you don’t want to press him anymore, but it’s hard to look away. They’re captivating and your interest only increases when you start to count all the scars carved into his skin here too. 

You have to take a deep breath to get it together and quickly finish up. He probably thinks you're crazy for staring so long. 

“Do you want to put on a clean shirt?” You hand the wash cloth back to him so he can do whatever he needs on his lower body while you step out. 

“No, just some clean shorts. They’re in the top drawer.” 

You try not to look at his underwear and grab the first pair you see, then hand them to him. He hesitates before asking, “Can you sleep in the bed? Like we did at your place?”

“Yeah, of course.”  You see his shoulders relax as soon as you agree and he smiles. “I’ll get changed out here. You finish up and I’ll tuck you in.”

He’s beaming now, but you can see he’s starting to get tired. “Best nurse ever.”

You shut the door and get into your pajamas, another tank top but shorts this time, and pull back the covers. Pooch is sprawled out on his bed and you try to think of anything else you need before you lay down too. Crap. Quickly, you go back downstairs to get some water and his pain pills. When you get back, John is sliding under the sheets in just a pair of black boxer briefs. 

You don’t let the sight get to your head and set the glass by John, handing him a pill after. “Take this.”

He stares at it blankly and then smiles at you. “I’d rather have a kiss to make it feel better.”

That does get to your head and you're dizzy with affection. You don’t know how much longer you can keep up this game of cat and mouse with him. “Take it and we’ll see.”

Eagerly, the pill is swallowed and you crawl into bed, scooting close to where John lays very still. He looks very pleased with himself and you roll your eyes before gently kissing him on the forehead.

“There.” 

“I feel like my injury deserves at least two.” His voice is low and deliberate, but he’s teasing. You sigh, pretending to be annoyed, and give him a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek, right above his beard.

“Happy?”

He nods once and with reflexes you’re surprised are so fast, grabs your arm before you scoot away from him. “Thank you for staying.”

You put your head on his pillow, your nose rubbing against his shoulder back and forth. Carefully, you place your hand on his stomach above the bandage. “Does it hurt?”

He puts a hand on top of yours. “Less than a bullet, more than being stabbed.”

You grin against his skin. “Ah, I totally understand.”

“What are you going to go to school for?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re still taking classes in the fall, right?” He waits for you to nod. “Well what for?”

You hadn’t really given it much thought, knowing you’d have to take prerequisite courses before a decision had to be made at the community college. “I don’t know yet. Maybe business… why?”

“I was just thinking…” He turns his head to look at you. “You would make a really good nurse.”

You giggle softly and pull yourself away to turn off the light. “John, I can’t stand the sight of blood.”

“Oh…” 

The light switches off and you start to get comfortable. John pulls you towards him again and this time you protest. 

“I’m gonna bump you in the middle of the night.”

He doesn’t let go. “No, you won’t. It’ll make me feel better.”

The bed is big enough, but you lay next to him, planning to move away once the pill kicks in and he passes out. He surprises you though, by lifting his arm and scooping you even closer so you’re completely pressed into his side with his hand trailing down your back. 

“Sometimes I bleed a lot…”

It’s dark and you can’t see his face, but his body is really warm. “What?”

“After working… I’m usually bleeding somewhere.”

“Sounds like you need to get better at your job.”

“Haha.”

“John?”

“Hmm?”

“If you bleed on me, I will puke all over you.”

He yawns and presses his mouth to your forehead. “I can’t stand the sight of puke.”

You try not to because he’s falling asleep, but the irony makes you laugh. This would never work.

**

The next day you let John sleep while you make bagels and peanut butter. You cut up an apple too and decided on tea instead of coffee, which you’re sure he’ll be mad about. 

You’re right. He is grumpy and until you offer to wash his hair, he’s frowning the whole morning. 

You find a stool in his office and make him lean his head back in the bathroom sink. You play with his hair longer than you had planned, but seeing the blissed out look on his face is worth it. Your fingers really start to massage his scalp until he lets out a little moan, his lips parted and suddenly he opens his eyes. You notice again what a soft brown they are. 

“You’re doing this on purpose.”

Nails gently scratching at his neck, you stop and start to squeeze up the back of his head. “What’re you talking about?”

“You’re going to have to stop.”

“Why?”

“Because… it’s starting to feel too good.”

Immediately you freeze and don’t dare look at his lap. “Oh! Oh… sorry… that’s not what I was trying to do. At all.”

“I know.”

You rinse his hair and twist a towel around, just like you do for yourself after a shower. “Feel better now?”

Right away, John takes the towel and pats his hair dry, going to sit on his bed. “Yes, thank you.”

“Well, I think I’ll take Pooch out for awhile and then head home.”

He looks up, startled. “What? Why?” “Why what?”

“You’re not staying?”

“John, you need to rest. You should just sleep and watch TV all day.”

“Yeah, but… do you have to work?”

You shake your head and sit on the bed too. “No, not until tomorrow.”

He starts to smile at that. “So, you can spend one more night?”

You give him a look. “You were fine last night, you slept like a log.”

His face falls again with concern. “Did I snore? Did you not sleep? Were you not comfortable?”

“No, I was fine.” You were more than fine. You woke up cuddled into John while he was still sleeping and you let the fantasy run through your mind for a while, probably more than you should have, and now he wants you to stay. It’s becoming a little intense and then you brilliantly decided to wash his hair, which was probably torture for the both of you. You need a mental break. You need some space. “I’ll stay if you promise to rest, how about that?”

“I'll do whatever you want.”

You walk over to the big window in the bedroom and look out to the view again. Maybe you can walk to the campus and see about what classes you should take. It would only take about fifteen minutes to get there. Or you could take Pooch to the lake. When you look out the west side of the window you can see a ton of people already unpacking their cars and sailboats are leaving the dock. When you tell John what your plans are he frowns. “What’s wrong?”

He presses his hand to his side, above the stitches and his shoulders slump too. “I just… I wanted to do those things with you. You should go, of course. I just wish I could too.”

“It looks too hot out for all that.” You change your mind when you see how sad he is. You couldn’t possibly go now. An image of the both of you holding hands and taking a walk around the lake floats through your thoughts. “I’m just gonna take him out front and throw the ball around, and then I have some work to do.”

John breathes out and leans back on a pillow. He’s starting to get tired again. “Okay.”

“Do you want to go downstairs? Read? Watch some TV?” He doesn’t say anything and grabs a remote from his bed stand. What you thought was an armoire is actually a stand for a TV when the doors slide open. “Well, that’s convenient. Do you need anything else?”

“No, I’m good.” He mumbles, his eyes starting to blink slowly. You watch as his head falls a little and you cover him up with a spare blanket, shutting the TV off and closing the blinds before you leave. 

It actually is really hot outside and Pooch is panting as he brings you back the yellow tennis ball for the fifth time. He stops at a noise and takes down the driveway, running fast and you call out but he ignores you. You try to yell his name in a more alpha voice, like John does but that doesn’t do anything except make you feel like an idiot. When you get to the shrubs at the front of John’s property you see a young girl on her bicycle, talking to Pooch and petting his head.

“Hi?” You greet and think this must be the neighbor girl who watched the dog while John was staying at your place. “Are you Cassey?”

She smiles up at you shyly, shielding the sun from her eyes. “Yeah! Can Pooch play with me?”

You laugh and tell her just for a few minutes. It’s hot and it’s time for his lunch. She seems fine with that and gets off her pink bike. “Are you John’s new friend?”

You’re surprised that she knows who you are. “Yes, I guess that’s me.”

She giggles as Pooch attacks her with kisses, his weight making her sit in the yard and she screams in delight. It’s a really cute scene. Cassey has brown pigtails and a shirt with a sparkly rainbow on it. Pooch suddenly turns towards you, running at full speed and all you can do is sit in the grass too, until he gets his fill of more kisses before he darts back to Cassey, running circles between the two of you and wagging his tail. 

“Do you like it when Pooch visits?” You ask, standing up and brushing green stains from your jeans. 

“Yeah! We have so much fun! Dad will take us to the lake and he chases all the ducks around!”

You gasp. “Your dad chases ducks?!”

“No, silly.” Cassey laughs and rolls around on her stomach. “Pooch does!”

“Ohh, right.” You start to walk up towards the house and the mailbox catches your eye. Doing a good deed for the day, you empty it and take the stack with you. “Well, we have to get back. It was nice meeting you, Cassey. Have a fun day!”

“Bye!” Cassey kisses Pooch on the head one more time before getting her bicycle. The dog runs after you and almost crashes into the door. You can’t help but giggle a little to yourself and he plops down in the middle of the kitchen, panting and drooling. 

Sitting on the couch, you freeze in place and listen as John gets up and uses the bathroom upstairs. You hope you didn’t wake him. You toss the mail on the coffee table and boot up your old laptop so you can make the next schedule for work. Technically, you could wait until you go in tomorrow but at least you’ll have a head start. A few hours must pass and you’re so involved with numbers and spreadsheets, you don’t even notice John is walking down the stairs, barefoot and still in his pajamas. 

“Morning.” He mumbles and gingerly lays on the couch, his feet nudging your thigh.

“It’s like…” You look at your watch. “Shit, it’s already three! You must be starving. I can’t believe you slept that long.”

There’s a low rumbling sound and you realize it’s your own stomach growling. Instead of laughing, John quickly gets his phone out and orders food. 

“Pizza will be here in thirty.” He tells you, shifting so he can see you better, his arm draped along the back of the couch. He rubs at his eyes and wakes himself up, then runs his hand through his hair. 

Thankfully, you get distracted by your computer again until he pokes you with his toe. It makes you smile, but you still don’t pay him much attention. “What’s up? Do you feel better?”

“Yes, I feel a lot better.”

“Good,  ‘we heal in our sleep’ is what my grandma always told me.” You pat his foot, then see a mistake you made on Sam’s schedule and move to fix it. 

“What’re you working on?” 

You close the computer and finally look towards him. “Just a schedule for work.”

“What’s that?”

“My laptop.”

“What century was it made in?”

You push his foot away. “Very funny.”

He’s watching you again, with a small amused smile, like he’s making some kind of list in his head. “What else did you do today?”

“Oh! I met Cassey and she played with Pooch for a little while. I got your mail.” You point to the stack on the table. “And then I guess I got caught up in work.”

John looks at the envelopes and stretches his neck to see Pooch laying on the kitchen floor.  “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem.” You grin and put the computer on the table, settling in by John’s legs and leaning your elbow across his shins. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Tomorrow you go for a check up and they’ll take that bandage off.”

“No more sponge baths?” 

“I don’t know,” You tease lightly. “Never say never.”

Shock makes his mouth hang open. “Seriously?” “Yeah, I mean what if you get shot again? Or get stabbed?” You tsk at him, but still smiling. “You really need to work on being a better assassin.”

John moves to sit up, and you think he’s mad but he clears his throat and gives you a stare, his hair falling in his eyes. “I’ll have you know, I’m excellent.”

“Mmhm.” You touch his shirt with your fingers, knowing exactly where the scars are on his skin. “Says who?”

“All the dead people I’ve killed.” 

That makes you scrunch your nose in distaste and he just smiles, leaning over to take the mail in his lap.

“What was the hardest job you’ve ever had?”

John stops looking through the pile of envelopes and raises an eyebrow. 

“What? I’m curious.”

“The sight of blood will make you puke, but you want to hear about that?”

“That bad?”

“Let’s just say I’d rather ease you into one of those stories. Ask me something else.”

“Hmm.” You put your feet up on the coffee table and think. “Do you mainly use a gun or a knife?”

He laughs. “You are in a curious mood.”

“It’s more interesting than doing schedules.” Your foot nudges your computer and John takes the stack of mail again, and nonchalantly answers your question.

“Yeah, mostly guns and knives. Anything I guess… a book, a pencil, a car… mostly my bare hands.”

He says it all like it’s nothing, like he’s telling you a grocery list. You stare at his hands as he rips open paper. Wow. That’s oddly hot and gross at the same time. He’s not paying attention so you closely watch his long fingers and wide palms, and you imagine them handling a gun… then handling you. John suddenly leans back and sighs loudly, a large card in his lap.

It snaps you back into reality. “What’s that? It looks like a wedding invitation.”

He nods and tells you it is. “My friend, Marcus… he’s getting married.”

“Is he an assassin friend?”

John seems to be stuck in his own head and he’s just staring at the swirly gold print.“Yeah, he’s mostly a sniper though.”

“Interesting. Have you met his fiance?”

“No… we don’t usually get involved in each other's lives too much.”

“Why?” You grab the pretty card and glance at it.

“It just…” John looks at you with sad eyes. “Complicates things.”

“Well, I think it’s nice he invited you. You should go.”

“By myself? I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

He takes the card back from you and throws it on the coffee table. “Just not my thing.”

The door buzzes with the pizza and John tells you it’s all paid for. It smells amazing and you set it on the kitchen counter, then grab some cans of soda from the fridge. You’d love to finish the wine from yesterday, but not while John is on pain pills. Pooch stirs and finally gets up, probably hungry too so you grab his bowl and fill it while John slowly gets himself to a seat. 

He finally has an appetite since his surgery and eats half by himself. You’re hungry too, so you don’t talk too much, but you can see his mood is improving by his small, shy smiles. You realize he must’ve been hungry all day and that’s why he was grumpy. You should have known. 

“What? You’re looking at me funny.”

“Nothing,” But you can’t help to smirk, figuring John out is fun. “Hey, how about I go with you?”

“Go where?”

“To the wedding. I can be your plus one.” You instantly regret the words and cringe at your own stupidity.  “Uh, I mean… if you don’t already have someone to go--”

“I don’t!” John interrupts before you can take inviting yourself back. “I’d love it if you came with me.”

“Really? Are you sure?” The plates need to be cleared and you get up, gathering napkins and dishes. You have a better understanding of where everything is in the kitchen now. “I mean, I don’t know if you want me meeting your friends…”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

You look down at your jeans with grass stains and wrinkled tank top. Your hair is in a messy bun. You feel very plain. “I just don’t think I’d fit in.”

John is confused. “Because you’re not an assassin?”

Ugh. How can guys be so dense sometimes. “No… look, remember how out of your league I am? I just don’t want your friends to think you’re with some loser or make fun of you or something. But I guess if they know we’re just friends it wouldn’t matter. Obviously we would never be together, they would know that… right?” By the time you’re done your cheeks are on fire.

John doesn’t say anything and grabs a cookie from the plate you left on the counter. You go to the fridge and get the milk you bought and one glass, setting it in front of him. You break a cookie in half and dunk it in the cup, and John does the same. When he speaks, it comes out quietly. “I’m disappointed.”

It’s like a punch in the gut. “I know, I’m sorry. I wish I could be fancier… like when you wear your suits, I just don’t--”

“No… no.” He stops and leans on the counter, not meeting your eyes at first. “I’m not disappointed in you. I don’t think I ever could be.” His eyes lift, gaze intense. “I’m disappointed in myself.”

Now you’re confused. “Why would you be?” 

“Because all this time I thought I was doing a good job of showing you how special I think you are.”

“Oh…”

His hair falls in his eyes and his long fingers push it back. “I guess I need to do a better job.”

“No.” You try for a smile, but it’s a weak attempt. For a distraction you start to clean up the counter. “That’s not the way it works. I have to know that on my own. I shouldn’t have to have a man tell me I’m special for me to believe it.” You stop cleaning to rub at your forehead. All this growth can be so frustrating. “My thinking is so damaged.”

“You’re not damaged.” John says. “I just wish you could see what I see.”

You ignore his comment. “Maybe you should bring a date to the wedding. Like, a lady who would actually look good with you.” Who wouldn’t be embarrassing, or plain, or work at the gas station. 

He gives you a very disapproving look. 

“John, I’m sure you know a ton of attractive women who would die to go out with you. It shouldn’t be that hard to find someone.”

He sighs and gets up to let Pooch out. “The only woman I’m interested in going to that wedding with is standing in my kitchen. So, you’re right. It shouldn't be that hard.” 

You bite at your lip, torn of what to do. Maybe you’ll ask your therapist for her advice at your next appointment. So, you’ll tell him that. Kind of. “How about I think about it, okay? I promise that I will.”

John smiles, and you think he knows what a big step it would be if you were to go with him. He lets Pooch back in and locks the door. 

It’s early, but both of you are tired. John needs all the rest he can get and your adrenaline is finally fading. You turn out all the lights and he reaches for your hand, but you hold on to his elbow instead. “Bed?”

“Bed.” He leads you up the stairs slowly and gets washed up. You take your makeup bag and go to the guest room to do the same. The tub is the size of your entire apartment and you’re bitter that no one is enjoying this immaculate room. 

The both of you meet in bed, but this time you keep your distance a little. You can tell he washed his chest because his skin is damp. He exhales loudly as he relaxes and you grab the remote control.

“So fancy…” You murmur when he shows you which button to press and the cabinet doors slide open.

“Functional.” John corrects you. He scoots down to put his head on his pillow and somehow he’s magically closer to you. It’s a slick move. He spreads his legs under the blankets and his foot lightly touches your shin. When you don’t shy away and pretend to focus on the TV, John moves his foot slowly down your leg and wiggles his toes against yours. 

“Are you comfortable?” He asks.

“Very. Are you?”

“You’re so far away.”

Laughing, you turn towards him. “I’m literally right here.”

He blinks slowly, watching you. 

“What?”

“I like having you in my bed.”

You play dumb. “I know, right? It’s so comfortable. I feel bad making you sleep in mine.”

“Wasn’t bad at all.”

“Yeah?” You lean up to turn the light off and now it’s a lot darker, with just the glare from the screen flooding the room. “You could move in with me, ya know? I’ll show you how the simple people live.” You’re teasing but the shock on his face is priceless. “What’s that look for? You can’t imagine being without your extravagant bathtub?”

“No, I’m just wondering if your apartment allows dogs.”

You’re completely dumbfounded and you try to punch his shoulder, but those reflexes get you again and suddenly you're pulled in the crook of his neck, his arm draped over you again like the night before. You lay your head on his shoulder and it’s so comfortable, you briefly forget this isn’t what should be happening, but then you can’t bring yourself to care enough and move. 

“Cuddling with a patient is very unprofessional of a nurse.” 

John squeezes you hard. “It’s a good thing you’re not a nurse.”

You smile, closing your eyes and you should be sad that this is definitely the last sleepover. But you just have a feeling it won’t be. 

**

“So… then after that we woke up and I took him to his doctor appointment, even though he probably could have gone himself, and then he took me out to breakfast. And then I went home and took a nap before work.”

Beth, your therapist, is smiling at you. “Wow, that’s quite a few days you had.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“What would you say is the part that sticks out the most?”

You think for a minute and shift the pillow behind your back. The office is hotter today and she has a fan blowing in the corner, plus the window open. She’s sitting across from you and in the short time you’ve known her, it’s hard to believe how she can already read you and how gentle she directs you into different ways of thinking, silently challenging and almost making you wonder if you’re coming up with your own ideas. This is the first time you haven’t cried at a session, but it’s only half way over so there’s still plenty of time. 

“I don’t know. Maybe that I was able to get John up and to the hospital pretty calmly. I mean, I was nervous but I still did it.”

She nods. “Exactly right. If you were put in the same situation, maybe a few months ago… how would you have handled it?”

“Hmm...  well, I doubt I’d be somewhere like John’s house but if I were at work or something? I probably would have froze and let someone else take over.”

“Do you think a part of yourself is starting to have trust in your capabilities?”

The thought makes you feel the prick of tears at your eyes. You haven’t trusted yourself in a long time. Every choice, every thought was essentially wrong and you would turn to grandma. Her word became your world, whether you knew it or not. She made all the decisions and you were fine having her do it for the both of you. It was just easier and then it became a habit to let her lead your life. You were too young to know you were even letting it happen, and at the time it was what you needed, but now you have to learn how to live on your own.

“I still second guess myself all the time. And that can be exhausting… but I’m trying.”

“What if you didn’t second guess yourself? What if you allowed yourself to make mistakes along the way?”

“What if I make a mistake and lose John?”

“Okay, well what if you don’t make a mistake and lose John anyway? What if something happens and it doesn’t work out, by no mistake of your own. It just wasn’t a good match. What would that mean?”

You look out the window and frown. “It would mean that I’d still be okay. By myself. I can take care of myself.”  You would really miss him though, and just the thought breaks your heart. The ache is exactly why you’ve been keeping your distance. The fear of rejection is much easier to deal with than a shattered heart. Right now, it’s the fear of losing his friendship that is overwhelming. “But… he’s the only friend I have. What if… what if my appendix burst or something, and he wasn’t around anymore. I don’t know what I would do.” 

Beth smiles and her voice is soft. “Let’s say that happens. What would you do?”

“I don’t know who I would call. I don’t have any other friends.”

“You don’t think Carla or Sam would help you?”

“Maybe, but I’d hate to bother them.”

She tilts her head, confused. “Why do you think they would be bothered by you asking for help?”

It makes you think about what John had asked you the other night. If you would have helped him and you didn’t hesitate. If Carla or Sam needed you, you’d be there for them too. Maybe you’re not such a burden. Grandma often didn’t let you ask for anything. She would figure it out for you or you’d go without. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. It’s something we can work on. But, I think they would both be very kind to you if you did need their help. And remember, you can always call 911 if it’s an emergency.”

You look down at your hands sheepishly. “Right, of course.”

“Good.” She says, pushing up her glasses and sipping her coffee. “Now can we talk about the wedding?”

“Okay.”

“I want you to close your eyes and envision you and John at the wedding.”

The thought makes you smile. 

“And now think of the worst possible thing that could happen.”

Your smile instantly fades. 

“What happened?”

“John and I were dancing and I tripped and fell into the cake.” You feel silly, but Beth is nodding to validate it.

“Okay, good. Let’s talk about it. Do you think if you had a plan in place for that not to happen, that you would consider going?”

You shrug. “Maybe.”

“Well, let’s try it. Let's say you do fall and trip into the cake. What would happen?”

“Everyone would laugh. I would embarrass John. I would ruin someone’s wedding day.”

“Those are possibilities. What made you trip in the first place?”

You close your eyes and think about the image of shoes in your head. “My heel got caught on something.”

“And what’s something that would prevent that from happening?” 

“Um… I could wear flat shoes? Something I’m more comfortable in.”

“Yes! Perfect! What else?”

“Hmm... I’m not sure.”

She nods, encouraging as always. “That’s okay. Soon this type of thinking will become easier. What if you saw where the cake table was set up and you danced on the other side of the room?”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Keep your eyes closed. I want you to put yourself in John’s place, or maybe even the bride and the groom. And they just saw one of their guests' trip. What do you think they would do?”

“Probably want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Are they laughing? Are they mad?”

“No.” You open your eyes and breathe. “Do you think I should go?”

“I think you should give yourself permission to go, if you want. It might feel like it’s too soon for something so out of your element, but that’s entirely up for you to decide.”

You look at the clock and it’s time to leave already. You have a lot to think about, but in a very different way that you’re used to.

**

Sam just left to go home and change for this pool party he’s been talking nonstop about for days. You already miss his excited chatter and now it’s quiet in the store. You’re mopping up the floor after someone dropped a bottle of juice and the toilet was clogged when you got here, but thankfully that’s been fixed. It’s going to be a really long day. 

There’s a pile of applications you need to read through, and you’ve been dreading the task for a week now, but Carla really wants you to hire more help. The stack is huge and daunting, but you sit behind the counter and get ready to tackle it just as the door jingles. 

You don’t look up and assume the customer will come to you when they’re ready. A cup of coffee, your favorite kind, is set right in front of you and now you can see John’s tall figure as he approaches.

The coffee smells amazing and you can’t hold back a smile. “What’s this for?”

“Nothing.” He replies easily. “Just wanted to stop in and say hi.”

You’ve never had this before. Never had a friend who would ask how your day was and after you tell him about the toilet, the juice, and the applications he would suddenly stop by so effortlessly. It really means a lot to you. You’re beaming and John has to tear his eyes away, otherwise you feel like he’d stare at you forever. 

“Well hey, thank you.” You come around the counter and tug at his shirt for him to come closer. “Can I give you a sticky hug?”

He laughs and bends down to fit in your arms. When you’re about to pull away, he grabs you closer and smells your neck, his nose sensually running down your throat. You flush and squeeze his arms as you move away from his touch. 

“Was it orange juice?”

“What?” “You smell like orange juice.”

“Oh! Yeah. Yeah it was.” You smell your own hair and it does smell like citrus. Perfect. “Well, how are you feeling? You were supposed to see the doctor today, right?”

“Yes, apparently I’m a fast healer. I told him I had a very good nurse taking excellent care of me.”

You roll your eyes and take the coffee, taking a big drink. “I hope you didn’t say that. You sound like a pervert.”

John laughs and takes the coffee from you, taking a small sip for himself and then handing it back. “That was a very G-rated few nights and I’m a pervert?”

“I guess I am the one who did flash you.” You pull back your coffee when John reaches for it again.  “God, I was the pervert all this time!” 

“Don’t be so dramatic.” He frowns when you protect your coffee and gets distracted by the memory, looking briefly at your chest before he catches himself and looks away. 

You smile when you see pink on his cheeks. “What’re you up to tonight?”

He leans on the counter and pretends to look at all the lottery tickets. “I have to get ready for that job soon.”

“John…” You’re troubled and worried. “You can’t take that job. You just had surgery.”

He shrugs. “I have to. I don’t have a choice.”

“But you’ll get hurt, you’ll pull your stitches out and lord knows what else.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” He doesn’t seem upset at all. 

“Well… can’t you postpone it? Or tell them to get someone else?”

John has a small smile when he finally meets your eyes. “I appreciate that you’re worried about me, but that’s not how it works. It’s just for one night and I’ll be back… and you can take care of me again.” He tries to joke but you’re not laughing. He reaches to rub your arm up and down. “C’mon, it really will be fine, okay?”

“No. Not okay.” You are not happy. Those stitches are still fresh and you can’t imagine the pain he’ll be in, not after what you saw the night he had to go to the hospital. 

He sighs and he’s still rubbing your elbow with his thumb. “Well, what do you want me to do?”

You shrug and sulk, crossing your arms over your chest. “I hate seeing you get hurt.”

“It’s my job, remember?”

You inwardly cringe at that because the last thing you want to do is make him feel even worse about his job. The least you could do is be a supportive friend… about killing people. It’s still strange to think about. “Yeah, okay.” You admit defeat. “I just wish there was a way I could help. Or be there or something.”

“Do you want to come with me?”

You raise your eyebrow. “To San Francisco?” 

“No, the target moved. He’s actually in the city now. I’ll be at a hotel while I do business. You could stay there if you want and see that I’m okay when I come back. You’d be perfectly safe.”

You grab the schedule and remember that Sam wanted another shift, so you took an extra day off. It's scary, but you want to say yes. “Are you sure I won’t be distracting you or anything?”

John tucks his black hair behind his ear and shoots you an unbelievable grin. “I don’t mind your distractions.”

You’re highly suspicious that he’d get sick of your distractions sooner or later. “Can I be your assassin secretary?”

“No.”

“Can I order room service?”

“Yes, that you can do as many times as you like.”

“Alright fine, I guess I’ll go.” You act bored of it but you’re really nervous and have no idea what to expect. John tells you that he’ll pick you up at your apartment in a few days and bring clothes or whatever else you want. 

You follow him out the door and thank him again for the coffee. “I still can’t figure out how you know this is my favorite.”

“You were drinking it at the laundromat that one time.” John explains. “It was the first time I saw you with an ounce of happiness. So I went to the place and asked what you ordered.” 

Your mouth falls open. “You did that?”

He gets his keys out and turns to look at you. “Yeah.”

“But you would do that for anyone? Not just me?”

John doesn’t say anything, but smirks as he walks away, leaving you to watch as he goes. You wave to him when he drives away and try not to overthink everything that just happened. 

TBC Chapter 4

[youarejesting]

Hope in the Sheets.4

[Masterlist]

Beta: N/A Pairing: Hoseok x Reader Genre: Friendship, Comedy, Soft boy, Fluff, SMUT, Friends2Lovers,

Summary: You held many titles: his neighbor, colleague, wing-man… well, more likely a wing-woman, yet most importantly, you were his best friend. You had been friends since you were born. Between the two of you, you were younger; barely, but he never let you forget it. He always seemed to ruffle your hair and tease you, which could get rather annoying but he made up for it by treating you to things. What if a drunken one night stand between you and your best friend Hoseok leads to more complicated situations? Your reckless twenties are cut short as you find yourself suddenly responsible for something a little more.

Warning: Reference to a previous sexual encounter, pregnancy, Toxic Family.

You were sitting at the bar drinking your fourth glass of orange juice, the sweet citrus flavour was really hitting the spot. Laying your head onto the polished shiny wood you could see the dance floor lit completely. Jimin swept the floor and mopped it diligently, of course they cleaned up thoroughly when they closed the bar but Jimin prefers to clean again. 

You felt a fondness blooming in your chest watching Jimin dancing around with the mop in hand. Yoongi was setting up and testing each speaker individually and testing out his equipment.

There were two hours left before the bar opened and Seokjin began ordering some food, Jimin got a text as he was putting the mop and now empty bucket away. Yoongi leaned over to read it —That guy had no shame— “Hoseok is on his way over”

“Really?” You asked a little nervous to see Hoseok so soon, you hadn’t even figured things out, you weren’t ready to see him. 

“You sound surprised but we have pizza night every second friday” Namjoon smiled exiting the staff room, smelling clean and fresh his hair combed back. 

A part of you happy for the oncoming pizza boxes heading your way. Seokjin began by placing a container in front of you, you opened it excited. A large part of you hoping it was some fried chicken, only to see plainly seasoned roast chicken and vegetables. 

Seokjin had already started acting protective, reading the pamphlets and telling you, you can’t have barbeque, raw fish, deli meats or soft cheese. So you were enviable of their pepperoni cheese heaven.

“We haven’t had pizza night since before the renovations behind the bar, did you see the difference compare to last month when you had come in?” Namjoon added unmoving as Jimin gracefully spun around him heading towards the door unlocking it for Hoseok to come in when he arrived. 

“I don’t really remember much about that night and what I do know I have tried to repress” You couldn’t help but pout looking at the plate of beans, you could eat most veggies but beans were the worst. You pushed the plate away and Seokjin pushed it back and you looked up with puppy dog eyes and he shook his head.

“He could not have been that bad,” Yoongi said, missing the exchange between the two of you, especially the way you were making rude gestures to the manager. “I have danced with Hoseok, he knows how to grind.”

“What’s all this?” Namjoon said, sitting at the table and looking over the pamphlets Seokjin was reading. “Who is pregnant?”

“I didn’t want to tell you?” Seokjin looked at Namjoon his lips pursed the way they do when he tries to keep a straight face, “but I am pregnant”

“Haha, guys can’t get pregnant” A small voice chuckled and you saw a familiar face. He was freshly showered and looking well dressed in black boots pants and button up. 

“Oh everyone this is Jeon Jungkook, Seokjin and I hired him to help with the door and any rough housing” He gave a nervous smile, looking around. He opened his mouth to talk when the front door opened. Jungkook turned squaring his shoulders only to be deflated by Jimin carrying drinks “Jungkook sit down this is Hoseok”

You smiled pulling out your seat to the left and gesturing for Jungkook to sit. Hoseok faltered whilst removing his jacket for a moment, questioning why you had let Jungkook sit on your left. Genuinely sorry, you gave him an apologetic look. He laughed and walked across to the bar where he pulled out a pair of your spare shoes from his bag and placed them in the staff room. You found out last time that he was the one leaving your shoes at the bar but to actually see him do it was really sweet.

“Do you work here as well Noona?” The apprentice bouncer asked pulling your attention away from your neighbor and best friend.

“No, I just stop by every Friday for pizza night” 

“But you're not eating pizza?” He raised an eyebrow. 

“I will trade you some beans for a slice” you grinned and he nodded picking up a slice and turning to you and freezing “um… maybe not”

“No, you need to eat healthier,” Seokjin argued. 

“But they are disgusting!” You whined letting your head fall back. 

“Eat them or no ice cream” He stood up heading behind the bar for a tub of ice cream that was used for special cocktails. 

“ice cream?” You almost gave yourself whiplash with how fast your head lifted. 

“Eat the beans and you get ice cream!” He said sternly and Hoseok moved around the table and stole a bean. “And no help from Hoseok” huffing and putting them in your mouth grumbling as you chewed. 

“That wasn’t so bad was it?” He said

“I hate it, the texture is wrong, it’s not food”

“But you did it, so what ice cream would you like?”

“Cookie dough?”

“Can’t have raw egg, I got chocolate, vanilla and strawberry”

“We have coffee too…” Jimin’s voice died out with the glare Seokjin gave. 

“This house is a prison” you frowned, throwing a stray bean at Seokjin and he laughed handing you a bowl of chocolate ice cream. 

“Hey are we partying tonight?” Hoseok asked around a mouth full or pizza, how could he be so damn handsome even when he is doing the weirdest things. “Ah but you haven’t gotten changed from your work uniform”

“No, I am just having dinner and heading home, tonight” you sighed “doctors orders”

“Oh well I guess, we can go out another night or something” he said being polite and waiting for you to talk about your doctor's appointment, Hoseok never pried with things like this. Jungkook was a charming young man and Yoongi asked for a dance. 

It was Yoongi’s version of bonding, he held your waist and gently moved to the music and you laid your head on his chest. “You okay?” He asked the gravel in his voice was almost purr like and woke you from your daze. 

“Just tired” the words mumbled as you hugged his torso, his heart beating a steady rhythm. 

“You are thinking too much, no more thinking tonight, just go home and get some rest and think some more tomorrow” pulling away he looked you in the eyes taking your face in his hands he kissed your forehead. “I will support you and your body no matter the decision”

“Thanks Yoongi, I decided I’m not going to get the prescription. I think a part of me already loves them way too much” touching your lower belly, allowing yourself to be a little excited, if only for the moment. 

You were worried and you should be. This was a big deal, but something about the support the boys gave you made it almost exciting. You began to day dream about a baby just like Hobi running around your apartment and cringed, taking the child to school on the bus before going to work. 

Blanching at the thought, you needed to put the baby first and your life right now wasn’t good enough to support a family. It was time to stop thinking single and start thinking like a mother. 

Maybe Yoongi was right, it was time to stop thinking, get through the night and plan everything tomorrow. With you in tow Yoongi led you back to the other, he placed your hand in Hoseoks and told him to take you home. 

Hoseok nodded getting your coats and thanking them all for dinner, he reassured Jungkook he was in good hands and told him to relax. Hoseok helped you dutifully into your coat looking longingly at the bar you frowned feeling bad for him. 

He took your hand in his warm one and walked you to the door opening it for you like a gentleman. He noticed how miserable you seemed and took your hand racing down the sidewalk until he arrived at a small convenience store. 

“Wait here.” He turned to you and paused looking you over with a smile “you look really pretty today”

You visibly reddened a considerable amount enough so that Hoseok noticed grinning and ran into the shop. Watching his head pop up over the aisles as he ran back and forth, you had no clue what he was looking for but clearly he did as he raced back and forth not once appearing lost.

He emerged with a biodegradable bag filled with an assortment of midnight snacks. He opened the bag letting you peek inside. “I got all your favourites, we can go home and watch some late night telly or one of your favourite movies” 

Your mood skyrocketed. Grasping his hand, swinging it enthusiastically on the way home. Hoseok stepped between you and a group of men smoking and drinking on a bench. He gave them a curt but polite ‘good evening’ and continued guiding you along. 

The two of you made it to the door seeing the door had been pried open. “Again, I hate this stupid appartment, let’s hope they got bored before they reached our apartments.”

They got to their doors and thankfully noticed that they were not broken into. “We need to add a few more locks on the doors.”

“Or you know move” You laughed

“Come on the rent is almost nonexistent and the pizza shop is in sight, what else do two bachelors need in their lives.” He laughed flopping onto your couch and grinning at you upside down.

You placed the snacks into a bowl and placed it on the coffee table as Hoseok began flipping through the channels. “Knocked up is on you wanna watch that?”

The scene that happened to play was at the restaurant where Katherine Heigl announces she is pregnant and the father makes a witty clueless remark.

“No thank you,” Your tone was clipped and he thankfully changed the channel.

“Yeah it’s a bit overplayed. What about Juno, it just started?” He shrugged

“Nah,” You said, sitting beside Hoseok laying against him and closing your eyes to push back tears you were overwhelmed.

“Animation numbness?” He asked, turning on your Disney plus you laid there without opening your eyes “anything?’

“Yes” He put on his favourite ‘Peter Pan’ and pulled you up to lay against his chest sensing you were not quite alright. He sang cutely in your ear along to ‘We’re following the leader’ with the children on the television.

You got to the part where Wendy sings ‘You’re mother and mine’ before the tears started to fall. Hoseok noticed the way your chest shook against his and sat up. “Hey Little Darling, tell me what is wrong.”

“Everything.” You sniffed burying your face into his chest and he patted your head threading his hand through your hair soothing the raging emotions.

“Tell me little darling,” He whispered softly, trying to calm you and give the support you need. “Is it about the doctors, are you sick, is something wrong?”

“No nothing, it’s fine,” The finality in your voice made him go quiet, of course he was upset but he respected your decision and just held you. “I think... I might go to bed.”

The abruptness of your decision made him sit up, “Are you sure, I can stay and I won’t pry”

“I really should sleep, this is something I have to figure out by myself and then I can talk to you okay,” You said standing and he nodded standing grabbing his coat and heading to the door. Before you could shut the door he turned pulling you into a hug. 

“I am here for you okay, don’t try to do it on your own, not when I am here and willing to help you, okay” he looked at you grabbing your shoulder and making sure your eyes would meet his before he continued “I will be by your side no matter what, trust me okay. I love you sleep well”

You would be lying if that I love you didn’t hit a little different, you nodded “Thank you Hoseok let me process and then we can talk okay.” Shutting and locking the door you began taking a few deep breaths. There was undeniable comfort from Hoseok’s words and it made you believe everything was okay. 

Taking out your phone with shaky hands you searched for a name you hadn’t contacted in a long time, even their name in your phone was mocking you. You clicked ‘Mum’ followed by the small phone icon before placing the phone to your ear.

Your hands trembling, you didn’t know what to do. You heard your mother answer with her familiar underlying snobbish greeting. 

“Good evening?”

“Hey Mum,” You caught yourself before your voice cracked, never giving your mother the satisfaction, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing, what do you need?” Her voice clipped and you bit your lip trying not to fight, this wasn’t why you were calling. You journeyed into the bathroom feeling a little sick, your mother always brought your anxiety back ten fold.

“Nothing, I was just wanting to tell you…” You squared your shoulders and stared at yourself in the mirror. It was a challenge, you were telling yourself to be a proverbial man. “I am pregnant.”

“Of course you are, you wasted your college degree by becoming a carny and now you are pregnant. I was waiting for you to stuff your life up more. And what now you need money, to help get rid of the thing, come home and we will take care of it. Maybe this will be a reminder to keep your legs shut”

“What the fuck is wrong with you, I am an adult don’t ever contact me again, because I sure as hell am never going to” You hung up placing your phone down and the sickness faded like a weight off your shoulders your mother was not a part of the equation.

Walking to the kitchen you sat on the breakfast bar stool and pulled out a book and began writing out a plan. There were things you needed to do. Of course telling Hoseok was important but you were planning without him. Because if he rejected you and this baby well then you were on your own.

It was always best to plan for the worst case scenario. A better house; the baby cannot live in a broken down high theft studio apartment. A drivers license; you definitely couldn’t take the child to school on the bus everyday before going to work and as for work you needed a serious job. You paused; these were the first important things.

Opening your laptop you began looking at houses and loans, saving tabs and looking at a driving school, there was no time to party. Texting Seokjin ideas he told you he would help you with some of the lessons and you were grateful that he would help you.

[Jimin: Hey, I thought...] [Jimin: And feel free to stop me but...] [Y/n: Spit it out Jiminie] [Jimin: I might have a better job for you, I just thought that the theme park would be too physical and at somepoint you won’t be able to lift and such.] [Y/n: Oh wow, I hadn’t thought about the lifting and standing business but I did think I would need more money and a real job, what do you have in mind?] [Jimin: You are qualified for it and it is a desk job, that pays well.]

You kind of felt good about everything, Jimin gave you an application for the desk job and depending on what you heard back you would have to give your two weeks notice at the theme park.

[Jin: As tomorrow is Saturday, How about your first driving lesson?] [Y/n: I mean sure, I have booked in to see the Realestate and I have filled out papers for a home loan, I can’t live here, it isn’t safe for a child.] [Jin: I will be there in the morning and I will drop off some healthy meals...] [Jin: I am slaving away in this kitchen so you better eat them.] [Jin: We don’t want the little one getting hungry, okay?] [Y/n: Okay, I get it. We will drive and look at houses tomorrow don’t be late] [Jin: I am never late.]

Seokjin was really getting into his role as fake father. But it made you feel like you had some sort of support behind you and that made you happy. You were exhausted laying on your single bed and decided not to dwell on things any more that evening. 

The next morning Seokjin knocked on your door, upon opening he looked at you with horrified eyes, “Your front door has been smashed in, why do you still live here?” He huffed placing bags on the bench, “you better understand that I love you, look at all these dinners I prepared”

“Thank you Jin, for everything, I really can’t thank you enough right now” You hugged him and he held you a little longer than normal perhaps waiting for you to break down.

“Are you ready to go?” Seokjin said, opening the front door to reveal Hoseok standing there looking absolutely confused.

“Go where?” His voice croaked a little evidence of his recent rising.

“We are looking at houses” You said nonchalantly, “Do you want to come?”

“Sure let me get dressed,” He ran back inside and Seokjin looked at you cautiously and you nodded. The three of you got into the car and Seokjin began instructing you to drive and you were doing pretty well even Hoseok who is scared of almost everything was calm.

You all spent the day looking and discussing houses and your price range and the possibility of a home loan, Hoseok just listened. He seemed amazed by the length you were going to, just to get a home or at least that’s what it felt like.

You looked at different houses and you knew which one you could afford but you couldn’t help but dream about one of the more expensive ones that they had accidentally showed you. Even Seokjin and Hoseok saw you smile when you looked at the places.

The last house you looked at was overrun with grass weeds and trees, garbage in the yard, a broken window and everything needed fixing but it was the cheapest.

The neighbourhood wasn’t bad, but the plumbing was, there was no electricity either which meant you had a lot of work cut out for you. Nothing could compare to your dream house, it had french doors to a back porch and a large backyard with a neat garden.

After inspecting each property you went back to the real estate office and stood outside in the fresh breeze while the agent made a few calls about your loan flexibility. Seokjin went to get coffee from the Cafe just down the road and to enter the real estate office when Hoseok grabbed your arm gently and blushed apologetically, “Hey can we talk just really quick?”

“Sure Hobi,” Your eyes scanned his sheepish form and he opened his mouth but quickly shut it, “What is it?”

“Is it about the break in, I can totally understand if it is, We can find a new place together, something nicer, and with more space in a better neighbourhood.” He looked flustered he wanted to express so much he was fumbling over his words, “Just I don’t want it to be cause of something else, I don’t want it to be about me, or something I have done”

“Hoseok, I have something to tell you,” Your heart was beating out of your chest, “I got some news from the doctor and well I have to get my life in order because this is serious Hoseok”

“Oh god!” He clutched you in his arms, “Don’t say you are dying, please anything but that, I can’t live without you”

“No Hobi, I am pregnant, I have to get my life in order, I can’t raise a baby in a broken studio eating tinned food, I need a proper job and house and…” He pulled back to look at you in a mix of shock and relief “I am scared, and alone”

“You are pregnant, like really pregnant?”

“Yes, and I am pretty much disowned too, so I have no help from home and have I said I was scared because I am shaking” You sniffed tears falling and he held you

"I will be there for you" He smiled, “We can get a house together and raise a baby. Wait. Who did this?” 

“I got you a smoothie cause you can’t have Coffee” Seokjin smiled handing a coffee to Hoseok and a smoothie for you. You saw Hoseok’s eyes slid to Seokjin and flick back to yours.

“Him?”

It looked like Hoseok was about to punch him when the Agent stepped out and guided us back into the office, I spoke with the bank and they said you are only eligible for the broken down bomb site of a home.

But amongst the deadly glares of Hoseok and the disappointment on Seokin’s face at the bank’s refusal to lend any more he went to speak. “What about if I add a Ten thousand dollar deposit?”

“No, No deposit I will take it. I have some time to fix it and I intend to.”

“You can’t live there, it is creepy.” Hoseok said

“I can and I will, I have to make a safe environment for a baby Hobi, I can’t sit around in our apartment and wait for someone to stab me in my sleep, I have fate in my hands and I am taking it” You walked into the realtors office and signed the forms, the house was now yours.

You sighed stepping out of the realtors and Seokjin said, “the boys and I will help you clean up”

“I can get some of the guys from work” Hoseok said, appearing more like he was trying to outdo Seokjin, instead of genuinely helping. Either way you were thankful for their help.

The clean up was going to be a huge task and you needed all the help you could get.

Tags: @brbkpop​​​ @take-u-2-an0ther-w0r1d​​​ @munchyn​​​ @unadulteratedlyunique​​​ @jinhitwhore​​​  @knjkitten​​

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[purplesurveys]

969

What is your least favourite thing about your full name? I don’t know if it’s right to say I have a least favorite thing about it. At this point in my life I’ve gotten over complaining about anything about my name and I’ve ended up liking it, actually.

How good is your grammar? My fluency in both English and Filipino is pretty much perfect. Kinda called for when it comes to communications graduates, haha. But yeah I grew up speaking Filipino and then learned English through media, school, and my English-speaking friends, so my exposure has always been balanced.

Do you like the age you are? Idk I feel like age loses its significance when you’re like 20. < Yeah, same. The last age I got excited about was 20, but turning 22 this year felt a little boring and not just because I had to celebrate at home. I’m imagining it would be the same for 23, 24, 26, 27, etc and that I’ll only look forward to milestone years now, like those that end in 5 or 0.

Music. It’s amazing. Do you agree? It’s great, but I’m not as attached to music as most people are. It’s hard for me to get into new acts and I mostly stick to the artists and albums I’ve listened for years. Music can also sometimes be too emotional for me, so most of the time I prefer flocking to content that will entertain me when I’m sad, like sitcoms or YouTube videos.

What’s your favourite kind of poptart? I’ve mentioned this before but only like, five flavors ever get shipped to the Philippines. My favorite is chocolate fudge, but I’m sure I would have other favorites if we were able to have their whole flavor roster.

Do you like sunglasses? I don’t really care for them. They look nice and there are certainly a lot of cute and classy sunglasses designs out there, but ultimately I don’t like how it impairs my vision. No matter how bright it is where I am, I tend to not feel comfortable when everything I see has a black or brown tint to them. 

Do you think dreams can give us insight to things? I don’t know if it can give insights, but I believe that your general emotions and life experiences can have a hand in what dreams you end up having. In my case, whenever something is currently heavily troubling me I always, always end up dreaming about them.

Have any cheesy kids songs memorized? Depends on what you mean by cheesy kid’s songs. I don’t actually know what that refers to.

Besides your computer, what else is cluttering your desk? A Tupperware with peanut brittle, another Tupperware with a half-eaten brookie, two notebooks, my copy of Midnight Sun, my phone charger, a nearly-empty glass of water, and my night light.

Why is your worst enemy your worst? I don’t have an enemy...haven’t had one since, like, grade school.

What does your dad do? He’s an executive sous chef at a luxury liner. But his company and the nature of his work is obviously one of the most affected by Covid, so he hasn’t been in his workplace since February and it’s impossible to tell when he’ll be needed again.

How late do you usually stay up? During weekdays, I’m in bed by 9 or 10 PM. Work is exhausting most days. But on the weekends, I’m able to stay up til midnight or even a few hours beyond that.

The political spectrum. Where do you fall? The more radical side of the left.

Do those commercials from the ASPCA make you cry? They’re a US-based org so no I haven’t, but their ads probably do have the ability to make me cry.

When was the last time you visited a nail salon? I remember going inside a nail salon with Gabie in like 2017? 2018? because she had been trying to get me interested in pampering sessions for myself haha. I never saw the appeal though and if I remember correctly that was the only time I ever found myself inside of a nail salon.

What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? My breakfast yesterday. I just used the bread to wrap a hotdog. 

If you had to eat one type (Chinese, etc.) of food which would it be? I would have absolutely no problem eating Indian food for the rest of my life. Their spices, the curries, breads, chutney, samosas, paneer? *chef’s kiss*

Enough about food. Have you used Wikipedia for a school report? I used Wikipedia all the time but use the sources on the bottom of the page. It was so easy to go around the whole “don’t use Wikipedia for research” when the sources cited in Wikipedia articles are always subject to strict review by the site’s moderators to ensure their credibility lol.

What is your favourite glass to drink from? I love my mom’s Starbucks mug. I use it all the time when she isn’t home.

When did your family immigrate to wherever you live now? We’ve never migrated, even though my mom had always wanted us to. If we pushed through with it, we most likely would have landed in either the US or Canada.

What does your room look like when you sleep? Completely dark. I also like keeping my windows open and my blinds partially open, because the cold air at night feels nice.

What tabs are open on your computer? The window I’m currently on is pretty loaded actually. There are six Tumblr tabs, 12 Bzoink tabs, two tabs on Google search, and one Wikipedia tab.

Are your fingers long, or short? They’re rather long. 

Reality TV: Love it, or hate it? OMG hahah I like most of them, but I can’t stand dating shows. As a demi, I just could never relate to the idea of casual dating and dating shows have always been super boring to me. I can binge most of the other reality TV shows though, especially cooking ones and KUWTK.

What time is it in the country you get the most of your heritage from? Welp, that’s a creative way to put it. 6:47 PM.

Do you use a top sheet? My current bedsheet doesn’t come with one but I do have other bedsheets with top sheets that I routinely change to.

How often do you engage in illegal behaviour? It comes up every now and then but it’s nothing more than illegally downloading books and movies lol.

Who is your favourite comedian? I’m not big on comedians but I came across Sindhu Vee���s stand-up comedy on Facebook a month ago and she’s sooooooo fucking hilarious. Jokes about extreme Asian parenting will never get old for me. I definitely wish more of her acts were available online.

Do people say you have an accent? Sometimes I’ll get compliments for being able to speak in English well, but idk about accents.

Could you tell me what the capital of Bosnia is without looking it up? Nope. I wouldn’t even be able to point at its general region on a map. Soz.

AOL: Do you use it? No.

Do you find Family Guy’s cutaway scenes funny, or annoying? I generally find cutaway scenes funny. I’m sure I would find Family Guy’s funny as well, considering I’ve enjoyed their humor styles in the past.

What colours are on your current shirt? Brown.

How many children do you want/have? Two.

Would you rather live in this decade, the 1960’s, or the 1910’s? 1910s. The very limited women’s rights and social issues of the time would be sucky to witness, but I’m still interested to see how different life was back then whether in terms of technology, how different my city used to look, or whatever.

Pepsi vs. Coke? Neither.

Do you think you look good with a hat on? Sure, I like hats :)

[atinywriting]

Bloody Pen | Wooyoung Serial Killer AU Chapter 4

For the Love of Art

As Hongjoong turned his back and left to question the officers, he was unfortunately unaware of the smirk on Wooyoung’s face. Wooyoung released the breath he held in and curled his fingers. The tension in his body relaxed.

He couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. No one would suspect him.

There was no doubt Hongjoong was smart from the various cases that Wooyoung had worked with him. But... it was also quite easy to manipulate logic. It was easy to fabricate the old trio tale of “motive, means, and opportunity”. After all, the best way to tell a lie was to tell parts of the truth.

Wooyoung was honest and truthful as long as the case didn’t involve himself. If it did involve himself, who would suspect a person helping out with the investigation? Especially one who had helped solve many cases for a long time. No one. No one could ever guess, not even fathom with the idea that he himself had tampered with the evidence.

Wooyoung took a few steps back to admired his handiwork. It was actually the first time he had killed in such a meticulous way.  

And he found it... much, much more fulfilling. More gratifying.

Usually, he’d use a knife. A simple slash to the throat or a few stabs to the abdomen would always do the trick. Strangulation was nice occasionally. Guns weren’t the most interesting weapon. It killed too quickly, but he sometimes used it.

This time Wooyoung had planned it out only minutes after drugging the victim. He had only 8-10 hours before it died from hanging upside down. As soon as it woke up, the fun began.

Since it was hanging upside down, the blood would rush to it’s head and keep it awake. There would be no chance to faint from the pain. Wooyoung slowly dragged it out; cutting, slicing, and slashing into the flesh. It was satisfying hearing the screams, begs and cries. And the final blow, the thing’s eyes popping out of it’s head and gurgling as he cut into the neck. The light leaving its eyes as the blood gushed out and flowed down.

But, it wasn’t just more fun. This kill was also special. It would be the first murder in the project he proudly titled, Bloody Pen. Inspired by you and in dedication to you.

A gift for you, his lovely muse.

He remembered what you had shown him on the second date. Your new book would be about a serial killer whose trademark would be riddles and puzzles.

As he read your words and spent time with you, he couldn’t help but feel something familiar in you. A kindred soul? Just like how you enjoyed writing stories of crime, Wooyoung enjoyed orchestrating a story with each kill he made to pin it on someone else.

Gang related violence. Domestic abuse. An accident. Out of defense. Suicide. Overdose. Poisoning. A drunkard killing their significant other. A crime of passion where one killed out of a fit of rage. Revenge. Jealousy. Greed.

Each kill had their own small details that made it a unique story. And this time, he would weave in your story. He’d end this theme after the fourth or fifth one and continue after sometime.

Indeed, he was having more fun than usual. But, he’d get caught after a while. It was the mistake of many murderers to unconsciously establish a repeated pattern.

Wooyoung hummed as he sealed up each piece of evidence in their proper containers. His job was done. Now, he only needed to transport it all to the forensic center. Another would come by soon to properly preserve and transport the body to the lab later.

Thankfully, Wooyoung wouldn’t have to do any extra work with tampering. The rain from two days ago had diluted and erased all of his traces.

He whistled a cheerful tune as he walked to his vehicle. After dropping the evidence off, he went home and slept peacefully till the alarm clock rang.

The sky was clear. The sun was bright. The birds were singing. Another day. Another kill. Another day he got away scot-free.

As he ate lunch, he hummed as he flipped open the pages to your second book. He only had read the brief summary on the back, but he was already hooked by the premise. In fact, it was inspiration for the next kill.

A serial killer who turned all of their lovers into dolls to keep them company.

In one hand he held a pencil, outlining and sketching the plan out onto his notebook.

Salt. Baking powder... He stopped. Huh, he’d have to do a little bit of his own research into this.

Ping!

He picked up the phone and your name popped up.

My apartment at 1? For help, if you’re not busy please? ^^ I’ll text you my address.

Wooyoung paused, contemplating to himself. He’d most likely be called back to the lab around 3-4 pm. Then again, just two to three hours with you sounded nice.

You bit your lips as you waited for a reply. Hopefully, you weren’t being too annoying. You jumped in your seat as a text came in.

Only for a few hours. Then I gotta work orz

Yes! You quickly sent your address and slumped against the couch. Closing your eyes and enjoying this small moment of happiness—Wait. Your eyes snapped open and looked around your apartment.

It was trash. Utter trash from your laziness to clean up. You also looked like trash with your messy appearance and your rats nest of a hair. And... you only had an hour left till 1.

You immediately rushed: picking up whatever you could into the recycle or trash can, dusting, and sweeping the floor. You glanced at the clock. 5 minutes left. You threw on whatever looked nice enough.

A ring and a few knocks had you running to the door. You smoothed over your hair once more and opened the door. And there stood Wooyoung with his usual bright smile. Your eyes glanced down to his hand. An envelope? He handed it to you and you took it with a questioning look in your eyes.

“The diagrams you wanted,” he explained. “I drew up how different types of wounds looked. I even have bullet points on the back to describe each one. You like it?”

At those words, you practically ripped the top of the envelope off. You slid the papers out and carefully went through it all.

It was bloody. It was disgusting. It was gory with its details.

“I... I love it,” you whispered as your fingertips stroked the papers. You clutched the diagrams close to your chest. Pulling all nighters just to search up the most minuscule of details were practically over. You had Wooyoung now.

“Please marry me.”

Your eyes widened and you covered your mouth. Why did you say that? You peeked up to see him equally surprised before his face had formed the smuggest grin you had ever seen in your life.

He was enjoying this.

“I, uh, I mean...” you fidgeted under his gaze.

Why? You screeched in your head. You wanted to crawl into a ditch. You wanted to curl into a ball and never see the light of day again.

But, Wooyoung was already here in front of you. There was no escaping embarrassment.

You were snapped out of your dazed state when you felt his hand stroking the top of your head. You flushed under his attention.

“Baby steps,” Wooyoung drawled with the ever present smirk on his face. “But I wouldn’t mind marrying you—“

Before he could say any more, you stepped back and flailed your arms. Heat rose to your cheeks. “Do you wanna just come in!?” You squawked.

Wooyoung chuckled and took his shoes off as he stepped in. Your reactions were honestly adorable.

The apartment felt warm and welcoming with cozy simplicity. He sat down on the couch and looked up to where you still stood trying to calm down. He tilted his head. “Are you not joining me?” He asked with a slightly teasing tone. “I can’t help you if you’re all the way over there.”

Right! You scurried to take a seat beside him and flipped open your notepad.

“Tell me exactly how to make the deaths more interesting.”

Wooyoung began, “First of all, I noticed the way you write deaths are either vague or not descriptive enough. You might as well just be saying ‘He stabbed her and she died’. Which isn’t wrong, but that’s also really boring.”

You grumbled with a pout, “Well, it’s not like I could Google this up. Literally, no website goes into detail on this kind of stuff.”

You were dedicated to having as much accuracy as possible. Which was why details were the most agonizing thing to write. Most of the time on the Internet, you could not find it. Either turning up with a vague answer or a blank result. As much as you hated it, you couldn’t dwell on it because it would take forever and you’d probably die before publishing anything. You could only continue on. But now, it was becoming a glaring problem that needed to be fixed.

“Well.” Wooyoung smiled. “You have me for that now.” He wrapped an arm over your shoulder causing your heart to beat faster. “Secondly, how does the killer feel?”

You blinked. “How does the killer feel?” You repeated.

Wooyoung nodded. “When people are reading about serial killers, they’re interested in how a person can be so warped. They hang on to every word. What they think. What they feel.” He gestured to your notepad. “With that in mind, try rewriting your first death scene in the manuscript.”

You pressed the pen against your pursed lips. You ran back and forth to get your manuscript for reference. After minutes of thinking, you wrote it down, occasionally drawing a line through a sentence and scribbling out some words. You handed the notepad to Wooyoung and fidgeted with your fingers.

“Better now?” You looked at him, trying to assess his reaction.

He scanned the small passage. His eyes and mouth was wide. Shivers went up Wooyoung’s spine. He could feel goosebumps rise up on his skin. His breath was taken away.

The room was dimly lit and dead silent. She was strapped to the table. Her mouth stuffed with cloth, her eyes bulging out. I studied my toolbox. Yes, the scalpel would do. A smile crept on my face as I caressed the blade. Her flesh was calling for me. Her fearful face reflected onto the blade before I cut a perfect chunk of flesh out.

He lowered his head, so you couldn’t see his face. He gritted his teeth and bit his lip. The tapping of his leg grew more agitated. It took every fiber of his being to hold his blood lust in. He finally took a deep breath, relaxed and exhaled.

You were incredible.

“Much, much better,” Wooyoung breathed out as he handed the notepad back to you. “I actually felt chills.”

“Yes! Progress!” You screamed. You tackled him, wrapping your arms around Wooyoung and resting your head against his chest. “I love you. I mean—” You quickly corrected yourself. “I love how you’re helping me. Not that I don’t love you, but like it’s way too early to say that when we’ve only known each other for a few weeks and...”

He chuckled hearing your rambles and stroked your head. You really were like a puppy learning new tricks for treats and affection. Your adorableness was such a sharp contrast to the small dark passage you had just written. Honestly, if he hadn’t known you, he would’ve thought you were the same as him.

You released him and cleared your throat. “Anyways, what else could I do to improve?” You asked.

“Not any other obvious thing I can think of.” Wooyoung put his hand to his chin and nodded. “Yeah. Your only real problems was around the deaths. You have the backstory, the motive, the mystery. And now, you have a better idea to write out deaths and you have me for details to spice it up.” He smiled and patted your head. “You’re doing a great job.”

A giggle bubbled from your throat at the praise and affection. You looked at the clock, surprised to see that it had already been past 2 pm. Did time really past that quickly?

It suddenly then dawned on you, you didn’t really know much about him. Other than his profession, you didn’t know why he was in it. Nor did you know his interests. You didn’t know anything about him personally. Wooyoung had work soon, didn’t he? Maybe you could get to know him a bit more in the little time you had left.

“Why did you decide to do forensics?” You felt Wooyoung jump up a little and he stared at you in surprise. “Um, did I accidentally ask a personal question?”

He blinked a few times before replying softly, “No... I’m just surprised you’re interested in me enough to ask. You really want to know more about me?”

“Of course.” Why didn’t he think you would be? You were slightly confused but you brushed it off.

He finally answered your question. “I was always interested in the human body. How it moved. How it functioned. The anatomy. I did so well and had such a knack for biology that a teacher told me I should try out forensics.”

“I see. Don’t answer if you don’t want to, but can you tell me about your family?”

Wooyoung frowned. Family? He looked down at his feet and back at you. His eyes widened.

What?

He stared at you. Flashes of her face merged with yours. No. She was dead. You weren’t her. Sweat beaded his forehead. His body trembled. His breath stuttered. His throat tightened. Why was it getting hard to breathe? He clenched his fist, digging his nails into his palm.

A gentle warm grasp of his hand snatched him out of his state and his eyes snapped to your alarmed eyes.

You rubbed your thumb on his clenched fist. “Are you okay?” You softly asked.

Wooyoung quickly stood up. He had to leave.

“I... I think I need to go out for a bit,” he faintly said. “Get a clear head before working.”

Without a word, Wooyoung went straight for the door. Just as he was about to step out, he almost jumped feeling your warm hand grabbing onto his arm. He turned to meet your soft, concerned eyes.

Why did those soft eyes and your warm touch start to feel so familiar now?

“I’m here for you whenever you need some comfort, you know?”

Wooyoung numbly nodded and you stared as he ran off. You groaned as he finally left your sight. Thoughts swirled through your mind as you closed the door. 

You cursed yourself. Way to go me. You royally have screwed up now.

Hopefully, this didn’t change anything between you two. You’d hate to lose him because of this.

You would have to apologize to him later. For now, you’d give him some space unless he came to you first.

[curestardust]

if you want: slice-of-life / realistic portrayal of wlw relationships with no fanservice 

We obviously know why I’m here. If something contains wlw, expect me to appear there sooner or later.

Aoi Hana is a pretty special series. Among all the shoujo ai series whose main draw is the fanservice and the fetishization of girl on girl action, Aoi Hana contains none of that. It’s a quite realistic take on the “genre”.

The way I’d describe this anime would be to say that it’s about “Fumi’s first love”. Our main cast consists of Fumi, a very timid and gentle girl who moves back to her hometown where she meets Akira (Aa-chan) with whom she used to be friends with as kids. Despite the expected premise, Aoi Hana isn’t a love story between these two. Fumi meets a girl called Sugimoto on her first day in her new school. They eventually start dating. The series is basically about Fumi’s personal growth throughout this relationship with multiple characters and their interjecting love interests keeping things even more interesting. I’d also like to mention that while wlw relationships are the focal point of the anime, Fumi is the only lesbian in the bunch. Two other main characters are bisexuals and we aren’t really given anything to figure out Aa-chan’s.

With the complicated relationship “drama” you’d expect Aoi Hana to be pretty spicy but it’s a slice-of-life through and through. The story advances at a very slow pace and focuses quite a bit on side-characters’ relationships, friendships and just general school life.

The technical side perfectly mirrors the anime’s pacing and general atmoshpere. The OST contains a lot of piano and various musical instruments and the OP/ED are both slow and soothing. The animation is very smooth and the art direction is quite interesting with the backgrounds only being drawn as if they were just sketched. The character designs are simple but distinct.

However, there’s a reason I said that this is about “Fumi’s FIRST love” as this is just a small piece of the actual story. The manga was unfinished at the time of this production and thus they decided to leave the ending SOMEWHAT open-ended. Not in a bad way as most of the story threads have been wrapped up but they left room for a potential sequel which I’d love to see so bad!”

Sidenote: compared to my review my score may seem low and that is because I may have appreciated how the series was handled, I’m really not a sucker for SOL and the pacing was way too slow for me personally. [7/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

if you want: boobs and asses tbh / okay-ish beach volleyball matches

Harukana Recieve is a sports anime mixed with some slice-of-life. Which sport? Beach volleyball. And as I found out from watching this, that is apparently very different from normal volleyball.

The story starts out with Haruka, who moves in with her cousin Kanata. Now living near the ocean, Haruka obviously takes a trip down to check it out where she meets 2 girls playing beach volleyball. Later it turns out that Kanata has certain connections to the pair. This is the start of how Haruka gets her first taste of the sport which later leads to her pairing up with Kanata. A bit later we meet another pair, the Thomas twins, who get the other 2 to join the beach volleyball club at school.

Honestly, Harukana Recieve was quite boring to me. The slice-of-life between the matches felt really slow. They did give some character bulding moments to our characters, however this being a sports anime I think the same could’ve been achieved during or after some exciting matches. And while the anime tries to give some depth to our cast, for quite some time I could only think of them as the tropes they represent...cause of the fanservice.

I looked at a few pages of the manga and was surprised to see that the characters don’t look like they came out of a hentai which means that making their boobs 3 times the size of what they were in the manga was a conscious choice. The creators most likely thought that the story couldn’t carry the anime and instead they filled the empty spots with a lot of eyecandy. Boob jiggles, close up shots of their asses and of course weirdly small swimsuits, everything a salivating virgin would want and more!

Shortly about beach volleyball from what the anime told me: a team consists of 2 people. A pair can only touch the ball 3 times while it’s in their court before needing to send it over the net. This part was initially what I thought made the matches quite boring to watch as it really doesn’t offer much variety. The tactics were the exact same for a long while. Recieve the ball, second person goes up to the net and passes up the ball to be hit over, first person jumps up and hits ball over. Repeat. However, I took a look at some actual real life beach volleyball matches and I realized the problem. The camera work. In real life, the passing of the ball is incredibly fast paced. You barely have time to think, the ball is just flying all over the place. In the anime however, they often pan on the ball while it’s in the air or even slow down the camera after a hit, making the matches feel much more sluggish than they actually would be. This is made worse by the fact that they barely use any wider shots, mostly just close ups from a lot of weird angles, making it hard to discern how big the court actually is and following the ball’s trajectory is almost impossible, as sometimes the ball looks like it got launched into the stratosphere and then we pan to literally a few meters from the person who hit it.

Obviously, the lack of tactics used in the matches could be attributed to the fact that Haruka is new and she is slowly progressing. Which is realistic, but doesn’t make it any less boring. 

The final 3 episodes more or less consist of one match, which is the most exciting part of the whole thing. It still has the problems I pointed out above but as the 2 pairs are both more or less experienced, the fooling around is finally over and replaced by some actual tactical playing. It helps that the match also carries much more emotional weight than the ones before.

Well this ended up being hella long...if you just wanna look at boobs and asses go ahead tbh. If you want the beach volleyball part just watch the last 3 episodes. If you’re not interestested in either, then... [5/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

if you want: beautiful presentation and nature scenes / some insight into diving /  iyashikei (healing slice-of-life anime) / peculiar charm

Amanchu! is a special case for me. I see it mentioned a lot that one of the most exciting points of the anime is that it’s made by the creator of Aria, which I’ve obviously heard of but haven’t seen yet. And while this would work great towards me not comparing it to a prior work of the mangaka, I still made a mistake by having preconceptions about what this anime would be like. 

My vague memory of the plot was that it was going to be about a diving club. Great! Basically another sports anime, which I’m fine with. However that wasn’t quite the case.

In the beginning, we’re introduced to Futaba (Teko) who moves into a new town, away from her dear friends. She is very shy and timid. Then at her new school she happens to meet a peculiar girl named Hikari (Pikari) who quickly befirends her and makes her join the diving club with her. The overarching plot of the anime is Teko’s change from a shy little girl into a much more mature young woman thtough Pikari, the diving club and the sport itself. 

That is, in the first half of the anime and then the last episode. However, there’s a pretty big chunk of Amanchu! where the diving barely gets mentioned in favour of some slice-of-life and character building episodes, some of which focus on the side characters; the other 2 members of the diving club, a twin sister and brother and the club manager who’s their teacher. Unfortunately, most of these episodes fell flat for me as they really aren’t...very interesting characters!

While my lack of enjoyment in most of Amanchu! could be chalked up to me being a bit sick of slice-of-life stuff thus making it hard to get invested in what was happening, there’s something else that can be a huge turn off for people which is the “comedy”. Whenever something that demands a reaction happens the characters’ heads turn into a circle and their faces kinda turn into an emoji (for examples look up ‘Amanchu faces’). All of them have a specific “emoji face”. This looks cute of course but the anime uses it SO OFTEN you sometimes feel like you see their normal faces less than their emoji faces. Characters also have certain “ticks” like Pikari constantly saying “upyo!”, Teko making this high pitched “eeeeeehhh??” and the twin sister kicking her brother in the back at basically every occasion. The “funny sibling abuse” trope I hate anyway but your opinion of these things I just listed could make or break the series. It could either annoy you to hell and back making it basically unbearable to watch or you can find it incredibly charming and entertaining. 

If you’re on of those many people who find it charming then Amanchu! will be a great iyashikei (healing anime) for you. The presentation is absolutely gorgeous with soft linework and a vivid but inintrusive colour palette. The background music consists of some very nice instrumental tracks. Of course, the anme shines especially during the diving and underwater moments while the slice-of-life episodes bring up some less serious but everyday questions. The enjoyment of small moments is a big part of Amanchu!.

This anime wasn’t really for me but I’m still giving it a quite weak 7 as I don’t think it deserves to be listed with some of my 6 rated anime that are objectively much worse. [7/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

[cyanmnemosyne]

Yuletide Letter (2018)

Dear Yuletide Writer,

First of all, thank you for taking the time to write me a fic! These last few years I've been increasingly drawn to tiny fandoms, so I always look forward to this opportunity to share the love with other people who love them too. :D

I've tried to provide some commentary below for each of my requested fandoms, in case it's useful to you, but ultimately Optional Details Are Optional, and I'm sure I'll enjoy what you come up with regardless of if your heart takes you in a different direction. :)  

AO3 name: darkcyan

Requested fandoms:

Star Ocean: Till the End of Time

Suisei no Gargantia | Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet

Ghostverse - Alex Yuschik (Podcast)

Foundryside - Robert Jackson Bennett

[ hiding the rest under the cut, because I tend to write a lot XD ]

General Preferences:

I have no preferences regarding length, tense, or POV; feel free to do whatever seems right for the story.

Stories with emotional warmth are my jam: fluff, found family, battle couples. People learning to trust / coming to love each other, and people for whom their mutual love and/or trust is already their bedrock. I don't need the entire story to be lighthearted from start to finish, but the stories I love most are the ones where even if the characters have been through Some Shit in the course of the story, by the end they're in as good or better a place than when they started. 

If you feel like doing an AU, go for it! :D I like it best when the characters feel "true" to their canon personalities, as filtered and changed through the different lens of how the AU differs from canon. I do have a slight preference for AUs that provide opportunities for interesting worldbuilding (e.g. scifi AU) than the more-typical coffeeshop/college AU. 

In general, if you're the sort to enjoy doing a deep dive into worldbuilding (AU or canon), I'm happy to come along for that ride, too. :D  

Time travel fic is one of my guilty pleasures. XD I have no need for the exact mechanics to be explained; going down the canon-divergence-with-foreknowledge path is completely OK with me. :D

I love it when female characters are their awesome selves

This is not an exhaustive list, so if you don't see something in my DNW list, you're welcome to either send me an anon ask or just assume it's fine. :D

DNW:

Onscreen sex. Fade to black or references to it happening offscreen are fine if you feel it’s important to the story, but if we’ve gotten to the point where we’re talking about limb positions, my reaction is almost certain to be somewhere between bored and extremely uncomfortable.  

Even if it’s not explicit or onscreen, please no rape / noncon / dubcon. 

I’m not a huge fan of drug / addiction plots either

Relationships, romantic or otherwise, where there’s a significant power imbalance (especially if it’s abused) tend to really bother me. 

I also feel pretty strongly about free will and freedom to choose, so “I’m taking away your choices by hiding things from you / doing things behind your back For Your Own Good” narratives mostly just make me want to punch things, no matter how good the supposed justification is on the part of the person doing it. 

Cheating and other forms of deliberate, sustained dishonesty within a relationship. Poly relationships are completely fine :D all that I ask is that all people involved are as aware of who else is involved / what else is going on as they want to be. 

Gratuitous drama.  If a misunderstanding could be resolved by the characters just sitting down for five minutes and talking to each other, and the only reason they don’t is ~*~reasons~*~, then I start getting really annoyed, really quickly

Character bashing. Even the characters I personally dislike are the heroes of their own stories.  

If I wanted to hear about awful people being awful all the time and how awful everything is as a result, I’d go watch the news. (… Someday I would like this statement to be less true than it was the previous year, instead of more. ;___;) There can be awful people, they can do awful things, but I’d really prefer they not be either the majority or the focus of the story.

Fandoms:

Star Ocean: Till the End of Time

Requested character(s): Nel Zelpher, Clair Lasbard

Spoiler notes: I’ve played the game. (I'm also about halfway through the manga, but so far not super impressed by its characterization of Nel, so feel free to ignore it completely. :) )

Preferred pairings: Nel/Clair or gen

So, Nel was my official first ever video game crush. This was a bit difficult for me to explain to my young, theoretically-straight self at the time, but she was so cool that I didn’t bother to think about it too hard.

When we are introduced to Clair as her partner, and every single scene in which the two appear makes it clear how strong their bond is – it was a foregone conclusion that I would start to ship them as well. And Adray’s obnoxious insistence on trying to find a husband for Clair just made me even more determined to headcanon them as lovers (or at the very least secretly pining for each other) in addition to partners.

If you don’t ship them romantically, but just think they’re great platonic partners, I’m sure I’ll still enjoy it whatever you come up with. But in case there’s any doubt, I also very much ship them. :D <3

And whether they're romantically involved or not, I love their dynamic – these two strong-willed, intelligent, fiercely competent women, working towards a shared goal that they both believe is more important than themselves. I love how deep and unshakeable their trust is – and how even though it clearly tears Clair apart to send Nel out into a situation that they both know may not be survivable, she’ll do it anyway. And Nel will go.

I don’t have any specific prompts in mind – if you want to write about a mission Clair has to send Nel off on, and the tension between their fear for and their trust in each other (and the knowledge hanging over both of them that they’re doing something that they see as more important than them both), great! Want to just do fluffy interactions during a brief break from the action (do they get vacation? How many people do they have to bribe to get vacation at the same time?), or after the war is done and things are a bit more settled, go for it.

In the narrative path where Nel goes with the party into space, does she think of Clair and all the stories she’s going to tell once she gets back (if she gets back)?  What does Clair think, being left so much farther behind this time than any other time before?  What stories does Nel tell when they’re reunited?

Got an idea that’s burning in your mind and has nothing to do with any of these? I’m sure I’ll enjoy whatever you come up with. :)

Suisei no Gargantia | Gargantia on the Verdurous Planet

Requested character(s): Ridget, Bellows

Spoiler notes: I’ve watched the show, the OVAs, and the movie.

Preferred pairings: Ridget/Bellows or gen

I came to this show because I was in the mood for mecha anime, then stayed because I fell in love with the cinnamon roll main character, his slice of life struggles to find his place, and the interesting worldbuilding.

… And the badass-with-a-mile-wide-streak-of-imposter-syndrome Fleet Commander and her best friend (or more?), the irreverent excavation team head.

Ridget and Bellows don’t interact a whole lot over the course of the show, but every moment counts and it is clear even in those moments how deep their respect and appreciation for each other goes.

Talk to me about Ridget, who’s so afraid to mess everything up but determined to shoulder the responsibility anyway.

Talk to me about Bellows, who is one of the most effortlessly competent people on the ship and has a warm heart to match.

I’d love to see a story about the two of them and about how much they mean to each other, or a situation where one or both of them are supporting each other.  Anywhere in the timeline is fine with me. :D

(For the record: I ship these two characters, like, a lot.  But if you don’t, know that I’d still love to see a story about their entirely platonic friendship. <3)

The other characters are more than welcome to show up, too. :)

Ghostverse - Alex Yuschik (Podcast)

Requested character(s): Five, Hyeon

Spoiler notes: I've listened to the story

Preferred pairings: Five/Hyeon or gen

I stumbled across this story earlier this year, and my heart was immediately stolen by how elegantly it portrays a very interesting science fiction / fantastical world and the growing friendship of these two characters, through nothing more than a series of texts between the two.

So really, what I'd like from this prompt is more of the same. :) Do you want to explore this fascinating world, where giant mecha run by chronically sleep-deprived pilots are the only thing that stands between what's left of the world and destruction by the ravaging of (I would assume) equally giant ghosts? I'll happily read any of it.

Or dig deeper into these two characters: Hyeon, who feels so constricted by his lot in life, but still tries his best to live up to it (modulo some text complaints, because really, who wouldn't?). Five, who's driven to not only pilot a mecha, but to be one of the best; who has turned his inner grief and darkness into a sword that he uses to stand between the ghosts and others, that they not suffer as he has.

I'm most interested in what might happen after the story ends: now that Five and Hyeon have met face-to-face, what happens next? Does it change their relationship at all? What does Seven Sparrows Sleeping look like in the aftermath of that last attack, and does that affect Hyeon at all?

But honestly: whatever story you give me, I'm sure I'll love.

As usual, while I do ship these two characters, I'd also be happy to see a story where their relationship remains platonic.

And while it would be fun to see a story told solely through texts, in the mode of canon, please do not feel like that's a requirement - I'd be just as happy to see a story that uses a more standard prose format. :)

Foundryside - Robert Jackson Bennett

Requested character(s): Berenice Grimaldi

Spoiler notes: I've read the book

Preferred pairings: Berenice/Sancia if during/after the book; gen otherwise

I read this book recently, after hearing rave reviews, and while it took a while to get going for me, I ended up really enjoying it: both the characters introduced, and the world they inhabit. Alas, that last I heard book 2 doesn’t even have a release year yet. 😭

And perhaps my favorite was Berenice, Orso's quieter, blazingly competent counterpart. (And, in fact, one of the biggest contributors to my eventually liking Orso as well was the fact that he clearly understood and respected just how competent Berenice is; that their partnership was a partnership, as much as it initially looked like he was just peremtorily ordering her around.)

I'd love to see more stories about Berenice -- how did she start out? What was working with Orso like when they first started working together, and how many times did she have to put her foot down before he started listening to her and treating her as an equal?

What was she thinking and doing, in the parts of the book where she's not on-screen or not the POV character?

Or, if you feel like speculating -- what does she think of Orso's new merchant house (aside from "nice job rules-lawyering yourself out of getting brutally killed 👍"), and what is she doing to help make it a success? Is she taking on a teaching role with all the new scrivers he's brought in, or learning from them? Has she found any other people with talents like hers to train as well?

The bits and pieces of Berenice/Sancia we got during the book were quite cute -- I especially like the scene where Orso's trying to give her romantic advice and she's like "lol I'm way ahead of you" -- so if you'd like to explore more of their relationship, I'd love to see more of that as well! Is Sancia still touch-shy? How do they negotiate that? Alternately, now that she's gotten this ridiculous powerup with no real downsides (at least, none we've seen yet), how does that affect how she interacts with the world and with Berenice?

Given that their relationship seems to be pretty much canon at this point, if you include Sancia in the story I'd prefer that the story acknowledge that. But, is probably obvious from all the above commentary, if you'd rather <i>not</i> focus on their relationship, that's 100% fine with me, too -- the main thing I want is more of Berenice being her awesome self. :)

Note also that I find the magic system rather fascinating, and as a programmer myself am amused by how it "feels like" programming. So if you'd like to dig into the magic system and play around with it some more, I would absolutely be on board with that, too. :D

... And that's it!

I hope this letter has been of help, and am thoroughly looking forward to seeing what you come up with. :D

[analogscum]

SCUM IN THE AISLES #4 (The House That Jack Built: Unrated Director’s Cut)

Sometimes, in order to seek out the weirdest discarded slices of celluloid trash that cinema has to offer, one must leave the confines of their crappy apartment, and go to an actual movie theater. This is a column recounting my excursions into the b-movie wilds. This is Scum in the Aisles!

PART 1: ANTICIPATION

“You’ve all bought tickets for a Lars von Trier film, so you know what you’re getting yourselves into.”

With this, Justin Timms, the founder of the Brooklyn Horror Film Festival, and our host for this evening in a dark and chilly corner of Greenpoint known as the Film Noir Cinema, ceded the floor to the film we had all gathered to experience, The House That Jack Built. A two and a half hour art house serial killer epic by perhaps the most controversial filmmaker alive. A film that prompted both mass walkouts (anywhere between a dozen and a hundred people, depending on who you ask) and a ten minute standing ovation when it premiered out of competition at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. A film which has since been decried as a gruesome, sadistic, mean-spirited slog by some, and praised as a beautiful, self-reflexive act of provocation by others.

Timms, for his part, had just seen the film for the first time along with the crowd from the first screening of the evening, and he looked positively shell-shocked. All around me, the crowd buzzed with nervousness and excitement. What sort of celluloid horrors awaited us? Would we be able to stomach what was splayed up on the screen? Would cinema’s angry Danish trickster god once again succeed in getting under our skin and raising our cockles? Or had his flagellations, both towards himself and the audience that improbably keeps coming back (myself included), grown tired and stale?

Our host had claimed that we knew what we were getting ourselves into simply by showing up to watch a Lars von Trier film…but did we?

PART 2: SYNOPSIS

The House That Jack Built follows Jack (Matt Dillon, turning in a career best performance) over roughly twelve years of a very eventful life. Jack lives somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, he’s an engineer who dabbles in architecture on the side. He comes from a wealthy family; his inheritance allows him to buy a large plot of land by a picturesque lake and build his titular house. However, what Jack really loves, his true passion in life, is annihilating other human beings. Jack is not just A serial killer, he is THE serial killer. Dude makes Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy, both of whose real life exploits are alluded to via Jack’s activities in the film, look like slouches.

As von Trier likes to do, the film is divided into five chapters and an epilogue. The five chapters are each devoted to a specific murder out of the nearly hundred he commits that is supposed to make us understand why Jack does what he does. I’ll get to the epilogue later, because I have FEELINGS about it. Similarly, as von Trier also likes to do, Jack narrates these chapters in the form of a confession, in this case to a man named Verge (Bruno Ganz). With the first two chapters, von Trier catches us off guard by deploying humor. Aside from the violence, which is indeed quite brutal, von Trier manages to wring genuine laughs out of the absurdity of these situations. In the first chapter, Uma Thurman plays a rich woman with a flat tire who is so unpleasant and annoying that you can’t help but root for Jack to kill her. In the second chapter, Siobhan Fallon Hogan makes the mistake of believing Jack when he knocks on her door, first pretending to be a policeman, then incredulously switching gears and pretending to be an insurance salesman, before a comedy of errors involving Jack’s cleanliness-based OCD, a very annoyed local cop, and a telltale trail of blood ensues. The audience I saw it with tonight ate these moments up, partially laughing at the jokes themselves, then perhaps doubling down when we realized how inappropriate it was to be laughing in the first place.

However, the laughs quickly dried up once chapter three began. This chapter involved the shooting of children, and was the focus of much of the ire directed at the film after Cannes. Indeed, especially in a post-Sandy Hook world, the violence in this section was almost unbearable. Aside from seeing children gunned down in graphic detail, Jack then conducts some, shall we say, amateur taxidermy with one of the corpses, making for the second time in two films that von Trier has given us the nightmare image of a child with a horrifying rictus smile (shoutouts to the baby from Nymphomaniac Vol. II). Chapter four details the gruesome fate of Jack’s one and only girlfriend, played by Riley Keough. Von Trier ratchets up the tension here to near intolerable levels, foreshadowing a horrific act of mutilation a good ten minutes before it happens, and then showing it up close, in nauseatingly graphic detail. Most of the audience, myself included, watched this scene through our fingers.

Now, very quickly, I’ll say that, yes, for most normal moviegoers, the violence in this film will definitely be a lot. But speaking as a connoisseur of horror movies and weirdo genre experiments, it wasn’t anything outside of the ordinary. In fact, I found the violence in Antichrist to be way more upsetting and visceral than most of what you see in this film.

Chapter five sees Jack conducting a gristly experiment in his industrial freezer involving full metal jacket bullets. He also picks up a spiffy red hooded robe. This is where we catch up with the beginning of the film, and see Verge for the first time. As it turns out, Verge is here to chaperone Jack to the fires of Hell. This is where the Epilogue kicked off, and where the audience, myself DEFINITELY included, started to get a bit antsy. I seem to recall an old maxim that goes something like, you can do anything to an audience aside from bore them. Well, unfortunately, I found this Epilogue to be almost unbearably boring. Aside from some stunning imagery, it was mostly tedious and pretentious, straining for some sort of higher message that was just unnecessary. If I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be: Tarkovsky by way of Tim and Eric. Normally that would be a compliment coming from me. All the pretty pictures in the world means nothing if the audience is reaching for their coats.

PART 3: INTENTIONS

So what is von Trier trying to tell us with all of this madness? What does he want us to take with us once we leave the theater? If you follow his filmography, it’s not a big scoop to say that von Trier’s most recent work, starting with Antichrist and continuing through Melancholia and the Nymphomaniac films, have been somewhat autobiographical, sort of his version of State of the Union addresses. The House That Jack Built feels like the culmination of this stage of his career. In this film, von Trier puts himself on trial, with Dillon’s Jack as his surrogate. Just like with the Nymphomaniac films, there are many, many, MANY flowery, pseudo-philosophical digressions on a number of topics, accompanied by slides and bits of archival video (I’ll bet someone out there is kicking themselves for ever having introduced von Trier to Shudderstock), including the poetry of William Blake, photography, love, deer hunting, gothic architecture, and Glenn Gould. One especially epic digression finds Jack opining on dessert wines, the Third Reich architect Albert Speer, and finally the artistic integrity of von Trier’s own cinematic oeuvre, complete with clips from his previous films. Ballsy, no?

I would be lying to you if I said I understood everything that von Trier was trying to convey with these digressions. However, it is definitely clear to me that this film is meant to function as sort of a statement to the jury in the court of public opinion. Von Trier has always put himself at the forefront of his films more so than most directors, displaying his name alongside, or sometimes above his actors (hell, for this film, he even devoted an entire poster to himself). This, of course, means we the audience tend to read his films as glimpses into its maker’s psyche more than we would for most other directors, which is not entirely fair in my opinion, but it’s a blessing and a curse that von Trier has brought on himself. So what does he want us to understand about himself after we’ve seen The House That Jack Built? It seems to be something along the lines of, yes, every awful thing you’ve said about me is true, and you could never hate me as much as I hate myself, but I only answer to a higher power. Which, yeah, ok...but is that enough? Or, to put it more succinctly, is that even that interesting of a conclusion? We’ve now sat through nearly ten hours of von Trier’s cinematic therapy sessions over the last decade, and he basically ends it all by pulling a Tupac on us: only God can judge me.

PART 4: MISANTHROPY

The best and most succinct description of von Trier’s modus operandi as an artist that I’ve yet to hear comes from the excellent YouTube movie review show Welcome to the Basement. During their most recent episode, while giving a (largely negative) critique of Dogville, co-host Matt Sloan describes von Trier as “a provocateur that has the talent to back it up.” Indeed, if von Trier was entirely the sum of his detractors claims, then he would’ve been forgotten a long time ago. He does indeed have the cinematic bonafides, and they don’t let him down here: the camerawork in this film is gorgeous and intimate, the editing is kinetic and fast-paced, and as usual von Trier knows just how and when to perfectly deploy a pop song for maximum disarmament.

The most resounding jibe against von Trier is that he is a raving misogynist, due to the almost ludicrously awful levels of suffering that he puts his female protagonists through. For his part, von Trier has defended himself in the past by saying he is actually fighting against the patriarchy by showing the awful trials that women must endure in a society run by men. It’s a fair, if slightly dubious claim. Personally I’ve always been kind of dumbfounded that we seem to hold von Trier to these moral standards based on the fates of his fictional characters that we just don’t with other directors. What makes him an exception in this case? Wes Anderson and Yorgos Lanthimos depict gruesome animal deaths left and right in their films, but does anyone legitimately think that they hate pets? However, when it comes to The House That Jack Built, I cannot and will not defend von Trier against these accusations of misogyny. Almost none of the female characters in the film are even given a name, and the one exception, Keough’s “Jaqueline Simple,” is derided constantly by Jack and called stupid because of her last name. It becomes especially stark and uncomfortable when, at one point, Verge observes that the women Jack has discussed strike him as “unbelievably stupid,” as if they somehow deserved to die because of that. Jack just shrugs and says that he also killed men, but he just so happened to choose these stories of killing women “at random.” Mhmmm. Not buying it this time, bucko.

Then again, you could argue that, since this story is told from the perspective of a man who unapologetically murders women in the most gruesome and debasing of ways, it would be dishonest or nonsensical to show them otherwise. But that brings up a whole other can of worms: what does it say about von Trier himself that he seems to seriously identify with a mass murderer? At one point, the film alludes to, and seemingly tries to make excuses for, the infamous press conference following Melancholia’s Cannes premiere during which von Trier compared himself to and jokingly sympathized with Hitler, an act of provocation which earned him an unofficial “ban for life” from the festival (obviously this did not last). And perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but the scene where Jack experiments with killing multiple people at once with a single full metal jacket bullet reminded me of a director at work, setting up his shot, changing the angle, making sure everything is just right, except in this instance, the camera is replaced with a high powered military grade rifle. Jack does remark at multiple times throughout the film that he sees his killings as a sort of art. Does von Trier relate to this sentiment? Does he see the creation of art as an act of love, as Verge does, or more like Jack, as an act of decay and degradation? I’m guessing more the latter than the former.

PART 5: DAMNATION

As good as Sloan’s summation of his modus operandi on Welcome to the Basement was, I have my own go-to log line: von Trier’s story is the story of a man who got everything he wished for, but was still miserable. For the first part of his career, von Trier was determined to an almost psychotic degree to be seen as one of the great auteurs of cinema. Anyone who didn’t agree was the fucking enemy. When his 1991 film Europa, which was up for the Palme d’Or at Cannes, won the Jury Prize instead, von Trier lashed out, calling that year’s jury president, Roman Polanski, “the midget” during his acceptance speech, and later hurled his trophy into the French Riviera in anger. But then his luck began to change. His next film to play in competition, 1996’s Breaking the Waves, won the Grand Prix and was nominated for an Oscar, and 2000’s Dancer in the Dark finally won him his long sought after Palme d’Or. After years of angrily bashing the world cinema establishment over the head with his own inflated opinion of himself, von Trier was finally one of the most respected and discussed filmmakers of the day.

The thing is, once you’re on top, there’s only one way you can go. He never finished his proposed “Land of Opportunities” trilogy, completing only the first two installments, Dogville and Manderlay, both of which were met with mixed to negative reviews. Von Trier soon found himself spiraling into depression and alcoholism, twin demons that he has wrestled with cinematically over the course of the last decade. It would not surprise me if The House That Jack Built was von Trier’s final film. On one hand, it feels like the thesis statement, the grand summary, of what he’s been trying to say with all of his films. On the other hand, in recent interviews, the guy just looks terrible. He’s frail, he’s got the tremors, his hair is unwashed and ratty and his clothes look ill-fitting and dirty. Despite getting sober not long after the Melancholia press conference debacle, it’s clear that alcohol abuse has taken quite a toll on him. Perhaps its gauche and inappropriate to speculate from afar on von Trier’s mortality, but he’s already done it himself, by making The House That Jack Built.

EPILOGUE: FUTILITY

Now that I’ve reached the end of this jeremiad of a review, I have to wonder, what was it all for? You’ve probably already made up your mind about whether or not you’re going to see this film. You’ve probably already got a very strong opinion on Lars von Trier, both the man and his work. Some of you are probably judging me for even having paid money to see this film, which is your right. Odds are, whatever you think about this filmmaker and his films are not going to be swayed either way by anything I have to say. And even if you did want to experience The House That Jack Built like I did, you can’t: last night was the only night that von Trier’s “Unrated Director’s Cut,” the one that screened at Cannes, is going to be shown in theaters (a stunt that has apparently landed IFC Films in hot water with the MPAA), before an R-rated version is released next month. Was this a shameless promotional ploy? Yes. Did it still give us weirdo cinephiles the feeling that we were part of a super naughty super secret club? Absolutely. I didn’t know anyone in that dark and chilly corner of Greenpoint, but I feel connected to them for life, since we all went through this cinematic journey to Hell together. So, then, now that we’ve descended into the flames, how to describe The House That Jack Built? It is vibrant and stuffy and brilliant and maddening and hilarious and terrifying and pretentious and vulnerable and prescient and infuriating and awful and a masterpiece. In other words, it is a Lars von Trier film. You know what you’re getting yourself into.

[disgruntledexplainer]

Sorry, I had to come back from my self-inflicted exile, because so-called “Star Wars fans” are being stupid

I am not pleased to be back.

OK, let’s look at your idiotic complaints, shall we?

First: Rey is a Mary-Sue

No she is not. Rey has a personality; Mary-sues, by definition, do not. What she is is an overpowered protagonist, which might be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that this is FUCKING STAR WARS: EVERY PROTAGONIST IS OVERPOWERED. Look at Luke Sywalker; yeah, I’m sure that gliding around in your civilian terrestrial aircraft and shooting rodents is EXACTLY the same as firing a proton torpedo into a ray-shielded exhaustion port in such a way that it inexplicably turns and travels PRECISELY where it was supposed to go. And if you say that was the force, you are a hypocrite, because that is exactly what Rey has been using to supplement her pre-existing skill with a staff in order to properly wield a lightsaber, which I might add by this point is a minor force artifact as it has been wielded by both ANIKEN SKYWALKER and LUKE SKYWALKER, the CHOSEN ONE AND HIS SON. It is the only lightsaber shown to have actually stored the memories of it’s previous wielders, it was literally GUIDING HER MOVEMENTS. Not to mention that she was fighting a wounded Kylo Ren, who had just been shot by the in-universe equivalent of a long-range shotgun/grenade launcher AND been emotionally destabilized.

Second: The Force Awakens was a rip-off of A New Hope

Fair. But since when has THAT been a problem? Terminator 2 was basically Terminator 1, but with more characters. Most people I know loved that movie. But again, if you are disappointing that nothing new was done, I understand...

Third: The Last Jedi changed too much

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS! It seems like the exact same people who were claiming the Force Awakens was a rip-off are claiming that the Last Jedi went in too different of a direction. You wanted variety, here is some FUCKING VARIETY. NOW GO SUCK ON IT!

That being said, there were some notable problems with the movie, notably that the Casino part was largely unnecessary and boring. But it’s better than fucking Pod Racing. Just TRY watching the Pod Racing scene again in the phantom menace, then get back to me.

Fourth: There weren’t enough lightsaber battles

Would you rather Yoda’s ghost got a lightsaber and started jumping around like a maniac like he did in Attack of the Clones? Because THAT’s what Star Wars is REALLY about.

All sarcasm aside, having a lot of lightsaber battles and having those battles mean something are two different things. I think if you go back to the original trilogy, you will find that there aren’t actually very many lightsaber battles at all. There is usually just one or two big ones, and the rest of the time the lightsaber is usually off, or visible briefly to end an encounter before being shut off again. A lot of my problems with the prequels (aside from terrible dialogue and reliance on severely dated CGI rather than using CGI to enhance pre-existing practical effects) has to do with the cheapening of the lightsaber battles. In the original trilogy, lightsaber battles are charged with emotion, with the surrounding lighting, set-pieces, and acting adding to the emotion of the scene. Each battle was different. For example, Luke vs Vader #1 was full of rage and fear, reflecting Luke’s desperation to save his friends and kill the man who made certain he would never meet his father ( XD ). Luke vs Vader #2 was more calm, but had a different sort of tension, as it was more about Luke trying desperately to reach out to what was left of the human being behind Vader’s mask. By comparison, with the exception of the battle between Obi-Wan and Aniken on Mustafar, lightsaber battles were more of a cheap gimmick to combine the two things 5-year-old boys love above all else: glowing things and whacking people with sticks. The Force Awakens did a good job of keeping the lightsaber battles minimal and emotionally charged (unless you count the times Kylo sliced up computers as battles, in which case the lightsaber battles occur with approximately the same frequency and possess the same emotional impact as those in the prequels XD ), and the Last Jedi did a pretty good job with this as well, though they could have perhaps held back a little more.

Fifth: [He/she] did [insert new force power here]!?! There is not any precedent for that in [insert questionably canonical source here] or in [insert one of the movies here, probably the prequels because apparently y’all changed your minds about hating them]:

I’ll go through this one at a time, in the order that I can remember them.

Gaining fighting experience through the force is entirely canonical, and is indeed heavily implied in A New Hope. Obi-Wan didn’t so much train Luke so much as forced him into a position where he had to rely on the Force to guide his movements, which is a more systematized way of doing what Rey was haphazardly doing in The Force Awakens. Also, the crystals that the Jedi use in their lightsabers bind to their wielders over extended use, becoming an extension of their self, so why can’t they store memories?

Rey’s mindtrick: she already knew Jedi could do it, unlike Luke. So there’s that. But also note that it didn’t work the first time she tried it (or the second, if I remember correctly). Also, the Storm Troopers of the First Order would have been even more susceptible to mind tricks because, unlike the volunteer troopers of the Empire, they were child conscripts, likely brainwashed and purposely made malleable for the sake of utility.

Leia flying: no, she wasn’t actually flying. If you ever actually studied physics, you would know of a little something called FREE FALL. When you are in a state of FREE FALL, you are falling at the same rate as everything else around you, so their is no apparent gravitational affect. So she was not FLYING. Rather, she was very clearly doing a force pull maneuver, a move so well known that it has been incorporated into a wide variety of Star Wars games over the years, not the least of which was the original Battlefront II (the good one). But because her mass was so small compared to that of the ship, she was pulled towards the ship instead of the other way around. Size may not matter, but if there is an easy way to make two objects in space move together, you better believe the universe is going to choose the easy route. Also, FLYING IS A REAL FORCE MOVE. Both Sideous and Vader do it in Battlefront II (the good one), as well as Count Dooku in Genndy Tartakovsky’s Star Wars the Clone Wars (one of the few good things to come out of the prequels, along with Battlefront II (the good one), Republic Commando, Attack of the Clones: The Game, the Lego Game franchise, and this one naboo starfighter game I remember enjoying but cannot find for the life of me. I know it’s somewhere in my room, but I haven’t seen it in a decade).

Force Projection: Hey, do you remember how Rey said she couldn’t find Luke in the force, that he was somehow cut off from it? Well, there is this little thing called the White Current, which was a Fallanassi technique for using the force in Star Wars: Legends. They were in a special part of the Light Side of the force that allowed them to hide from other force users, and produce illusions on a PLANETARY SCALE, that were so powerful that they pretty much overwrote the laws of reality, such that if you hid a building using the White Current so that it looked like a praerie, and someone tried to walk through the praerie, they would walk straight through as if the walls of the building didn’t exist. So yes, there is a precedent for that.

Force Ghost Lightning: You got me there. I had know idea a light-side ghost could still use the force. But I guess if a dark side ghost could do it, so could I light-side ghost.

Luke isn’t like the Luke from the books

yeah, and I think the movies are better because of it. Book Luke could basically take on the entire First Order single-handedly and win within a week. They actually had to bring in one of the designers of the D&D Dark Sun campaign setting (a setting known for it’s overpowered baddies, as well lore so sweet you get drunk on it) to develop an adversary which could actually pose a threat to him.

I will say that he wasn’t how I expected him to be, either. I thought he would be like Yoda or Obi-Wan. But... as much as I wanted to see Rey have to carry old-man-Luke on her shoulders like a backpack while he spouted wise sayings at her (which is to say, I REALLY wanted to see that), his characterization makes much more sense this way, at least in terms of the current plot.

Megan’s character is flat:

true.

Hyperdrive shouldn’t be able to destroy a fleet:

yes, it should. The ship was the size of a large asteroid, which if it fell on earth at normal speed would completely devastate the entire surface. Ramp that up to light speed, and you have a (non-reusable) planet cracker.

It’s all SJW propaganda:

(this is speaking from someone who IS decidedly sick of both SJWs and there very local opponents the Misogynists, both of whom I have seen on the bus ride home making people miserable for no reason. I have seen this woman harass a security guard for having her take her feet off the chair just like everyone else so as to not ruin the upholstery, screaming and calling him a bigot and threatening to have him fired, and I found it every bit as annoying and disruptive as that idiot who thought that cat-calling from a bus window was a thing. So yes, I know what an SJW is, and no, writing strong female characters does not make you an SJW, it makes you a successful writer)

Snoke’s Gold Robe is extremely distracting, especially set against his extremely red monochrome curtains:

Agree. Entirely. My friend Jakob and I kept joking that he was on the “Fab side of the Force”

The Kylo Fanservice scene:

fair. Yet I don’t seem to remember you guys having any problems with the Slave Leia scene, which was several degrees more gratuitous, unnecessary, and suggestive. In fact, I suspect the very guys who had problems with this scene are the ones who have been drawing fanart of Rey in said bikini (by the way, please stop)

That’s it, really. That’s all I have to say

[iheartgod175]

2018 Netflix Bucket List Part 1: Animation Nation

After watching some of the original Idolmaster today, I felt inspired to tackle my VERY LONG OVERDUE Netflix Bucket List. Although to be honest, two of these that I watched were on Netflix; some of the others I’ve watched and/or dumped were on KissAnime, and the remaining ones were on either Crunchyroll or Hulu. So yeah...not really a “Netflix” bucket list in this regard...BUT PART TWO IS I SWEAR

I decided to start off with the “animation” side of things, since I watch a lot of anime and cartoons, and I felt it’d be good to talk about some anime (and the one cartoon) I’ve finished up. Some of them are from months (or possibly a year back), but I feel like I should still talk about them anyway ^^

So here we go!

Completed Series

The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls

I liked this one. It was cute, the characters were charming, and I found six of my favorite characters from it (one of them being the Producer). That being said, I can see why it and the characters were seen as bland by other iM@S fans; the show doesn’t do a lot to really develop its large cast. The main beef I had with it was its treatment of New Generations, the group with Uzuki, Rin and Mio. They were the three main characters in the beginning, but then they kinda got shafted mid-season and then suddenly came back near the end again. I do love them (especially Uzuki and Mio; and I’ve warmed up to Rin a bit), but I felt the drama that Mishiro caused between them was drawn out a bit, and that the ending was cute, but rushed. Despite its flaws, this show got me into The iDOLM@STER series as a whole, and I even had my brother interested in it for a while to the point where he started watching it--keep in mind that my brother’s a die-hard Love Live fan. I won’t say that it’s a good gateway point to the series, but I will say that it’s alright for an idol series.

Flip Flappers

My friend @infiniteglorias​ was watching this show about a year or two ago, and I watched it out of curiosity. I expected it to be a bit off beat, and boy howdy did I get off-beat. It’s bizarre, it’s funny, it’s got some pretty cool scenes, and an interesting villain backstory. It’s also super gay. Like, Symphogear-level gay.  And even that’s a stretch; Shirabe and Kirika ain’t got nothin’ on Papika and Cocona. But it’s a good show, even if by the end it got a little mindscrewy.

And I just found out that there’s a Blu-Ray box with an artbook and art cards. R.I.P. my wallet.

BanG Dream!

Back when my brother was annoying the crap out of me with Love Live!, I was desperate to find a good idol series. I had started watching Cinderella Girls, but my brother took to bothering me about that, so I left it for a while (and also because although I enjoyed the show, I found it to be slow in some parts). If I had to describe BanG Dream!, I’d say it’s like Love Live! meets K-On!. I didn’t think I’d like it, and I thought the title name was kinda silly, but I ended up loving it. It really says something when you like some of the music better than Love  Live’s...in fact, I can kinda thank this show for pulling me to other idol anime away from LL! and introducing me to other things like Tokyo 7th Sisters, The iDOLM@STER and most recently IDOLiSH7. I loved this show, and I can’t wait to see the OVAs for it. Oh, and I’m patiently waiting for the release date of Girls’ Band Party’s English localization! I might not be able to play it, but I pray it goes well!

LoliRock season 2 (cartoon)

LoliRock’s second season is leagues better than the first one. So much effort was put into making the five princesses stand out in their own ways. We got great songs, great outfits, Dark Talia and Dark Auriana, great episodes focusing on Carissa and Lyna, more worldbuilding, more Lev, great episodes focused on Amaru, and best of all, episodes focused on developing Mephisto and Praxina. That Praxina episode was a hard one to watch, because of how genuinely sweet her good side is--given events in the season finale only made me sadder. About the only gripe I had was Gramorr. He still didn’t do that much to interest me as a villain, although I have to admit his powers were pretty cool. At least he’s slightly better than Hawk Moth from Miraculous Ladybug.

Either way, if you want an excellent example of a great show for girls, watch this (and Ladybug too, if you want). You won’t be disappointed.

The Seven Deadly Sins

I’ve been meaning to talk about The Seven Deadly Sins. But now that I actually have it here, I don’t have much else to say, other than it’s one of my favorite fantasy anime ever (and my favorite happens to be the Record of Lodoss War original OVAs). It’s funny, pervy (but not too pervy, unlike some shows I know *cough* High School DxD *cough*), tragic, awesome, gory and likeable. It’s totally binge-worthy. And it’s one of the few shows where the ships are totally okay; I usually avoid shipping people with people who look like they’re twelve or younger, but the maturity with which the show handles it changed my mind.

And season 2 has been announced. Enough said.

One Punch Man

One Punch Man was great from start to finish. It was awesome and thought provoking for a show that parodies the Japanese superhero genre, and I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at a show this much (that is, until Blend S came along). Moreover, it showed how to do an overpowered character right. I haven’t read the manga yet, but I can’t wait for season two of this show to come out!  

Kokoro Library

I found this little thing when I was cruising around for an older anime, Cosmic Baton Girl Comet-san (a classic favorite of mine). I saw the opening and dismissed it as a bland show probably based of a visual novel. But curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to watch an episode of it, just to see if it’s as stupid as I thought. Similar to what happened with LoliRock, I took my words back. This show’s a cute slice-of-life show about three sisters who live in the mountains running their parents’ library. The interactions they have with each other and the rest of the town are what make this show. I admit, the first part is kinda slow, so I wouldn’t blame people who dropped it if it was boring, and you can tell this is an older anime from like the 2000s...but it has a great soundtrack, adorable characters, and a really sweet origin story. I would give it a shot and see how you like it.

Currently Watching

The iDOLM@STER (Original)

Move over, Love Live. There’s some new idols in town.

I came across the original iDOLM@STER several times while looking for Cinderella Girls content. I thought nothing of it at first, but as I was finishing the Cinderella Girls anime, I did some research, and learned that these girls were the original generation (similar to how Muse was the original before Aqours). I decided “Eh, I’ll give it a shot. I like iM@S enough anyway; I’ll check it out before Side M, at least.” Gotta say, I am so glad I did. The original iDOLM@STER is leagues and above Cinderella Girls in terms of characters, story, humor and feel (although I still kinda like CG’s score more). In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that I prefer this over the original School Idol Project, which, while I think is pretty good, didn’t feel that spectacular to me, which is why I rank it 5th on my favorite idol anime list. Similar to IDOLiSH7, I don’t have a Best Girl, because pretty much all of them are awesome...although I gotta say that Iori, Hibiki, Makoto, Miki, Takane and Chihaya are my clear favorites, and I love Producer-san, surprisingly more than CG’s Producer-san, who was one of my favorites as well.

If you want to get interested in the iDOLM@STER universe, this is the series you need to watch.  

Blend S

Blend S is great. I have never laughed so hard at an anime save for a few. And I love the character dynamic; even Dino’s crush on Maika isn’t really, really creepy since he’s not going borderline pervy like some other shows possibly would. I’m only three episodes in, but it’s been a great ride.

IDOLiSH7

If you can’t tell that I love IDOLiSH7 already, you haven’t seen my blog recently. Eight episodes in, and I’m in love. I can’t say much else other than that, but it’s right behind the original iDOLM@STER as one of my current favorite idol anime.

Glasslip

Glasslip is a little anime I found on Hulu. It’s about a group of friends who go through the trials and pains of first love during summer vacation...oh, and something about the main heroine, Toko, and the mystery dude, Kakeru, being able to see the future through objects--in Toko’s case, it’s through glass objects, hence the title. It’s supposed to be a supernatural romance, but think it does better on the romance, though; their attempts to explain how and why Toko and Kakeru can see the future comes off kinda flat. Honestly, the real reason I’m watching it is for the romance plot between everyone. It’s a bit of a breather between watching shows such as Fate/Zero and Gundam SEED (seen below).

Mobile Suit Gundam Seed (Remastered)

Yes, I realize this pic is from SEED Destiny. But hey, the pic’s cool ^^

Gundam as a series is one of the series I enjoy, but never really watched much of because I was intimidated by the universe. It is massive, and most Gundam anime take place in its own universe. Thanks to some help from my dad (who is a huge Gundam and Macross fan in his own right), I started watching the series again, starting off with one that I found the most interesting, Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. I had started watching it years ago, but I forgot about it. I’m glad I gave this another chance, although I must be careful, because the last Gundam I watched was Gundam 00′s first season, and I binged watched it for hours.

Fate/Zero

I forgot to mention that one of my friends, @infiniteglorias, is a fan of the animated Fate series. I also forgot to mention that my dad is a semi-fan, too. Between the two of them, I became interested in watching the series, and my dad got me into Fate/Zero. I love it thus far, and the characters are pretty awesome. I can’t really say much else about it other than that, honestly...other than that I’m a complete newbie to the Nasuverse ^^

Shows I Need To Get Back To

Senki Zesshou Symphogear AXZ

I was following AXZ, and then that delay caused me to get off track. I will go back and watch it and include it in my next Netflix Bucket List (hopefully).

Haruchika: Haruto and Chika

Haruchika was an anime I found when I was watching Shakugan no Shana (more on that below). I thought it’d be a high school romance, but what it actually is is a high school mystery with a very, very tiny bit of romance...and both our male and female heroine are going after their teacher, believe it or not. I don’t find it as interesting as Glasslip, but I feel that I should finish it on general principle before deciding it sucks. Plus, it does have a great soundtrack.

Hunter x Hunter

Hunter x Hunter was a show I started watching around the same time as Lupin III (more on that on my next list). The only reason I’ve put it on hold is because of the above mentioned anime.

Attack on Titan

Attack on Titan was one of those shows that I heard was good, but didn’t watch because of the hype (I swore to myself that I’d stop watching on hype alone after what happened with Sword Art Online and Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha the Movie 2nd A’s). I watched it with my uncle and we both really enjoyed it, going through like 13 episodes. I haven’t watched it with him in a while because we’ve both been so busy, but I have it saved on my list to watch it later.

Future Shows to Watch

Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card-hen

The ONLY reason I’m not watching this one is because I haven’t watched the original in years and I don’t remember much of the plot. *sigh*

Macross Delta

Macross is another love of mine. After the amazingness of Frontier, I’m going to give the more recent Macross a try. That’ll probably be after I finish either iM@S or Blend S.

Violet Evergarden

WHEN WILL THIS SHOW COME TO NETFLIX?!

Girlish Number

Girlish Number is another one of those shows that my brother annoyed me about, but I guess I’ll give it a shot to see what he really liked about it.

Magical Girl Raising Project

More dark magical girls! Fun! Well, this should hold me over until I can watch Washio Sumi is a Hero, at least. 

The Ancient Magus’ Bride 

This is a show I’ve heard was quite good. It’s got some solid production values, and it’s a fantasy, so I’ll give it a shot and see how it turns out.

Shows I’ve Dropped

A Certain Magical Index

I wanted to like A Certain Magical Index, but alas, I found it to be a bit tiresome. At least its magic system and characters are a sight better than The Irregular at Magic High School.

Shakugan no Shana

It’s a shame I had to drop this show, because honestly, I had liked it at first. But then came the incesty bits between the two new villains that were introduced. On one hand, the sister was voiced by Yukari Tamura. But on the other hand, I do not want to see a younger sister slipping her older brother some tongue. Incest’s one of the few things that will make me drop a show like it’s a plague, and that’s what I did with this show. I just couldn’t stomach it. 

That is all I have to say for part 1! What do you think? Are there some recommendations you have or do you think I should talk about certain shows more? Let me know in the comments!

 Part 2 will be coming soon~!

[amsimaria]

Bittersweet

» Part one

Everything is grey His hair, his smoke, his dreams

Author: amsimaria Word count: 10K Feature: Jimin x Reader (mentions of other Bts members) Genre: Angst/slight Fluff (Rated M) Warnings: Violence, Mentions of sexual acts, Punk Jimin, Depression, Swearing, Addiction, Soft drugs use, (Eventual smut, not in this part).

Tired and worn out by all the shitty chores that redheaded bitch Samantha made you do all day, you saunter home. You worked at the damn store for almost 2 years now and she still treated you like an incompetent piece of shit.

While cursing her out in your mind you suddenly stop to notice that you’d unknowingly taken the shorter route to your home in between the streets of the city apartments. Your apartment wasn’t far from the shop at all, but you always preferred to walk around when it was getting dark, as the night brought its freaks with it. Taking the shorter route, you had to pass the infamous street full of urban bars and strip clubs, the kind of bars the punks and thugs hang out at when the sun went down. The street you’d rather avoid, especially at a time like this.

But too tired to walk back and take the usual passage, you decided to keep walking. When you take the left turn to enter the street, you hear loud music and notice the clouds of cigarette smoke covering big parts of the bars terraces.

Walking uncomfortable in the formal looking dark blue over-knee skirt you wore for work, you feel all kinds of eyes follow you as you nervously speed your steps. From the corner of your eye you see that the terrace is packed with people wearing dark colored clothing. Although you really wanted to take a peek at the night crawlers, you kept your eyes focused on the end of the street. Feeling relieved that you had passed the busy terraces, you suddenly hear a yell coming from behind you,

“Yo, ma?!”

The sound came from the terrace, clearly a drunk guy. With your heart beating a little faster from embarrassment, you don’t look back and start to walk even faster. You hear laughter coming from the terrace, but you don’t pay much attention to it as you wanted to leave the scene as soon as possible. When you get to end of the street, you quickly walk around the corner. You briefly stop to look down at your formal “good girl” outfit, before walking home. An envious feeling creeps up on you when you think about the girls that hang around at places like these and totally fit in. You sigh as you continue your journey home.

Two days later - Friday 9 PM

Staring at the still unopened wine bottle that is standing on the kitchen counter of your apartment, you patiently wait for your friends to finally arrive at your place. When you reach for your phone in attempt to check if you had any new messages from them, you hear the familiar buzzing sound coming from the apartment phone which allows you to open the main-door downstairs.

‘’Wazaaaaaaaaaaap’’

‘’we’re hereee chica’’

Rolling your eyes at their already drunk voices, you push the light blue button to open the downstairs door and you hear your friends loudly enter the building from the echo that is coming from the little speaker on the intercom. When you open your front door your friends stumble in and attack you with a group hug.

‘’Are you ready babe?’’ your friend Naomi asks you while squeezing her hair up with her hands, looking in the to mirror that is hanging on the wall next to your front door.

‘’Uh yeah, but i thought we were going to have a few drinks here first?’’ you answer sounding a little upset, placing one hand on your hip.

‘’Yeah we’re sorry, we had some drinks with the company that’s why we’re a little late.’’ Your other friend Robin answers, giving you a back-hug and pulling an innocent face.

‘’Nah, that’s ok. I kinda want to go now anyway, sick of looking at these walls all day. My life has become so boring, i need to some action.’’ You reply while bring the bottle of wine to your lips and taking a long sip

Your friends both look at each other with a somewhat shocked face and look at you before bursting out in laughter at the same time.

‘’Whattt? Can’t a girl have a drink’’ you say forcing an angry face before bursting out in laughter as well

They weren’t used to you being so loose. You were always their uptight friend who thought everything fully through before taking even the smallest risk. Although they were different from you in almost every way, you still loved being with them. They were far from stupid, but their childlike view of life felt pleasant to you. Still, you always found yourself questioning their motive of being your friends. You did that a lot. Trusting people was never easy for you as your insecurities made you feel like you didn’t deserve anyone.

“Im going to call a cab, i know you live close and all, but i don’t want to get gang-banged when i could have been dancing and drinking tonight” Naomi says, wiggling her eyebrows and then taking her phone out of her bag,

Getting out of the building, the three of you get in to the cab Naomi ordered.

A feeling of rush rises over your back, as the city lights reflect onto the window you’re staring out of in the backseat of the cab. You notice how the city looked so intimidating in the night. You lived here for 2 years, and you still felt like a little kid lost in a big city mall sometimes. While you stare out of the window, taking in the view of the rough city streets you passed and its still wet pavements from the rain that had fallen in that day, you hear your friends having a useless drunk conversation with the taxi driver in the background.  

Arrived at the place, you all get out before paying the taxi driver and thanking him. Entering one of the clubs, your friends rush over to the bar and order a couple of shots and after downing two José Cuervo shots, the three of you start dancing in the middle of the dance floor. It doesn’t take long for guys to be swarming around the three of you like fruit flies.

You didn’t mind the attention, although you weren’t at all the type of girl who would hook up with any random cute guy on the first night, a little flirting never really bothered you.

As your vision becomes blurry caused by the the strong liquor rushing through your veins, your thoughts wander off..

Everything in your life was always planned out, and even though you liked it that way, it made you overly stressed and always be on your guard. It was compulsive and it all started a few years ago. Before you wanted to start studying Neuropsychology, you had decided to take a two year-gap, to work full time and let your mind ease a little after your almost mental break down two years ago. You came from a strict family where ‘good’ was never enough and even though you loved your parents to death, you needed time away from them en their obsession with you being their perfect little girl. In a weird way moving to a big chaotic city like this helped, it made you feel less codependent and you felt like you had mentally grown a lot since you’ve moved away.

In your blurred vision you watched your friend Robin grind against some guy and fully making out with him. Sometimes you were jealous of how easy it was for your friends to socialize and of how confident they were around guys.

At 2 am, the three of you stumble out of the club and walk towards the street where the taxi’s are always ready to pick up drunks.

‘’Can’t we get food first, i’m starvinggg dude.’’ Naomi wined.

‘’Yeah let’s get some pizza slices before we go home.’’ You agreed, pointing your finger towards the late night snack corner across the street.

“Or …” Robin interrupts wearing a mischievous smirk on her face

You and Naomi questionably look at Robin.

“Or what?”

“Orrr… We could go to the street with the strip clubs and Underground clubs and get something to eat later.” Robin continues in a higher tone, as if her idea was actually the smarter thing to do.

“No way.” You answered, your voice quick and stern

“Awww don’t be such a downer dude, it’s fun and i wonder what kind of people hang around at places like that.” Robin implies.

“The bad kind.” You reply, annoyed, giving her a deprecatory look.

“Yeah, let’s go just this one time, just see what it’s like over there.” Naomi adds excitingly

After giving in reluctantly, Robin grabs onto your wrist and says a quick “it’ll be fun, come on” before pulling you with her as she walks towards the infamous street. When you arrive at the beginning of the street, a nervous and uncomfortable feeling begins to form a pit in your stomach. As soon as you and your friends come closer to the terrace, all eyes are on the three of you. You look around and see a girl with long straight hair, sitting on a guy’s lap with his hand down her jeans while they make out. After you stop yourself from staring at them, you quickly walk to the entrance of the club, following your friends who seemed to be already inside.

When entering, you slide past a guy, almost being pushed fully into his chest by the other ten people standing in and around the small entrance, as he was going out and you were going in. He was wearing a black hoodie and he had an intimidating and serious look in his eyes. His lips were full and there was a small bruise on the left side on top of his upper lip, you assumed was from a fight.

“Like what u see mami?” He asks in a husky voice, flashing a sinister smile and staring straight into your eyes with the most intimidating gaze you’d ever seen.

Completely unaware of the fact that you had been blankly staring at him for the past 20 seconds, you quickly look away without saying a word, feeling embarrassed and a little frightened from the fact that he had caught you doing that.

As he walked out you couldn’t help yourself to look back at him once more. You see him greeting a guy by taking his hand and turning it into a quick side hug. As soon as they lose touch, the guy respectfully offers him a cigarette. Taking the cigarette, he places it between the corner of his plump lips, he lights the tip with a lighter in the hand that’s halfway covered in his long sleeve, only showing his knuckles and his pale ring covered fingers.

Tilting his head back, the end of the cigarette lights up when his lips suck on the filter, blowing the cigarette smoke out of the holes of his nose like a raging bull.

You were completely paralyzed by him, he was stunning, but raw. It looked like everything he did was the result of a calculated step. Every move he made was so flawlessly smooth, yet rough.

When he catches you staring at him again, he takes another puff from his cigarette, holding it in between his thumb and index finger and winking at you without taking his deep gaze off of you for a few seconds before gliding his eyes back at the other guy.

“Yo! (Y/N) are you coming or what? We wanna dance”

Shocked by Naomi’s voice waking you up from your trance, you turn around and hand your long, thin coat to the lady sitting in the wardrobe. You follow your friend as she grabs your hand and pulls you into the club.

The club was dark and the music low. Looking around you see girls in short, skintight dresses and sky high heels. It was different from the clubs and bars you usually go to, there you couldn’t find these kind of people, mostly just college students and young people who took a break from their normal everyday lives. But these people were different, their eyes showed emptiness, sin. What you noticed too, was that most of the people in here didn’t have a smile on their face, their looks were serious and dark. It scared you a little.

looking around in discomfort, it was like everybody could smell you didn’t belong here, you could tell by the looks they threw at you and your 2 friends. Robin and Naomi where too drunk to care and started dancing their way towards the bar in order to get some more drinks. As you follow them, you couldn’t help but to think about the boy that you were standing so close to in the entrance a few minutes ago. His voice was unique and the sound replayed in your head a few times. The way he spoke to you made you feel vulnerable and made your stomach turn.

At this moment you start feeling anxious. The alcohol was wearing down, and you were becoming more and more aware of how misplaced you were here. The place held no warmth, no love, no romance, just pure sin. The panic made start to take in short and quick breaths. The sexual atmosphere made your stomach feel empty and the world suddenly seemed hollow and cold. You wanted to leave.

You pull Naomi’s arm, and without having to say a word, as soon as she sees your with fear filled-eyes, she knew it was time to go. You both look around to see if Robin was anywhere close, but she was nowhere in sight. The bartender sees you two looking around and makes a ‘’come here” motion with her hands for you two to come closer.

“Your friend went to the toilet with the guy covered in tattoos a minute ago.” The bartender says

You both roll your eyes at the same time and throw a polite “thank you” her way.

“Stay with Robin, make sure she gets home safe okay? I live a few blocks away anyway.”

“Are you sure?” she asked worried placing her hand on your shoulder

“Yeah, ill be fine. I will take a cab, don’t worry.” You assure her before pecking her on the cheek and walking off towards the exit.

You get your long oversized thin coat from the guard-robe and wait for the drunk people in front of you to make way for you, so you could leave this God forsaken place.

You suddenly hear a girl screaming, it was coming from outside, but you couldn’t see a damn thing because of all the people standing in front of you.

‘’JIMIN, stop ittt’’ The girl shouted The screaming was follow by the sound of metal breaking bone, making you gasp.

It wasn’t like you had never witnessed a fight before, but the people here seemed like the kind of people who would go a bit further whenever they get mad. After texting Naomi, warning her about the fight outside, you try to worm your way through the people standing in front of the exit. When you finally make it to the exit, you suddenly stop to see the boy with the black hoodie standing over another guy who is laying on the cold wet ground with his face covered in blood. The boy with the hoodie had some blood beneath his nose, but he didn’t seem to care as his  enraged gaze was fixated on the guy that was laying on the ground.

The look in his eyes was so scary it send shivers down your spine. You couldn’t believe he was the same guy that you had your little encounter with when you came in. Your eyes widen when you see what is dangling onto his knuckles. It’s a medal frame that is a perfect shape for a flat hand to stick through and grab onto. You had seen it before in a gangster movie but never in real life. The metal frame was covered in blood, and there was so much of it, that it was literally dripping onto the ground. behind him stands a girl with long straight bleached blonde hair with dark roots, tied back into a tight ponytail. She wore tight pastel yellow shorts that barely covered her butt, and shiny black peep-toe pumps under it.

‘’Stop it Jimin!’’ she tried to yank on his arm, but the enraged boy didn’t move an inch.

‘’Next time your bitch little boyfriend tries to fight me, i won’t let him off with just some broken ribs, he’s lucky we’re in public’’ He threatened, cleaning the metal frame with a white cloth and stuffing it back into the pocket of his hoodie.

Shocked and completely frozen by the happening, you look at him with disbelief. The whole crowd was quiet until he takes his whiskey from one of outside tables. Then a boy, who appeared to be one his friends, walks over to the guy laying on the floor, and squats down next to him.

“Get your ass up and bounce, or do you want to die?” He threatened, flashing him a sinister smile with narrowed eyes.

The completely broken guy slowly crumbled back onto his feet and dragged himself out of the crowd.

“You’re an asshole Jimin” The girl scoffs angry at him before walking off, following her crippled boyfriend who then pushes her away.

“You’re welcome babe.” Jimin winks, raising his glass at her before turning around to his friends.

When another barely dressed girl walks over to him and starts cleaning the blood under his nose, turning his face towards the entrance, his eyes fall on you. As soon as he locks eyes with you, you hop out of the entrance and start to race-walk away from the club. When you’re just a little passed the corner of the street, a sudden panic rushes through you when you feel a hand grabbing onto your wrist, making you squeal. As your being swung around by the hand, another hand flies to your mouth, covering and silencing it, pushing you against the cold brick wall. When you notice the familiar face under the hollow cloth of his black hoodie, tears immediately start to drown your eyes.

“Sssh shh, i’m not going to hurt you baby, i just wanna talk.” Jimin says, his voice calm and his eyes hooded as they drill into yours. The strong smell of liquor penetrating your nose when he speaks.

He slowly takes his hand away from your face and wipes away a tear that is making its way down your cheek with his thumb covered in a thick silver ring. You stand completely still, paralyzed and frightened.

“Why are you crying princess?” Again trying to wipe away a strolling tear, but this time you turn your head away from his hand. 

“Now tell me mami, what is a girl like you doing around a place like this huh?” Jimin asks cocking his head to the side after emphasizing every word laced with slight mischief

The way he spoke to you made you feel vulnerable. He scared you in a weird way. Maybe it was because of his stunning, yet intimidating sharp features, or because of his piercing eyes which showed emptiness, loss and sin. He was everything you weren’t.

“Well..? Can the pretty lady speak? He said, touching the tip of your nose with his index finger.

“I bet you long for a thug, hm baby’’ He hums, biting his lower lip.

“Leave me alone creep! Or I’ll call the police! An-and i’ll tell them all about what you’ve done to that poor guy back there!! ” You shout, taking 2 steps away from him and immediately regretting every word.

“If i were you, i would watch that pretty little mouth of yours.” He threatens. His soft demeanor rapidly changing to an enraged one with his eyes narrowed at you.

“Just leave me alone, plenty of other girls to do what ever you want with at that club.” You beg, your breath shaky.

Amused by your desperate begging, another sinister grin appears on his face followed by a chuckle.

‘’What can i say? I like you, and i saw how you looked at me baby, i know you want some of this.’’ He states cockily, gesturing to himself.

‘’Hah! i would never in my life get with someone like you, ever. So, thanks for the kind offer , but no thanks.’’ You hiss, forcing a quick obviously fake smile on your face.

‘’Ay Jimin, you there!?’’ A boy’s voice yelled from the other side of the corner before coming around. When he sees the two of you, the corners of his mouth curl up in a smirk and his gaze swifts from you to Jimin.

‘’I got an important call, we gotta go man.’’ He said, looking at Jimin.

Jimin turns his head back to you, scanning you top to bottom.

‘’See you around baby’’ His smirks, placing a finger under your chin. His voice low and calm and his eyes strong with lust. Then mischievously winking at you before walking off with his friend.

You immediately walk away, your steps slow from thinking.

Who the hell does he think he is? Going after you like that. Was that his way of approaching women? Creep.

As the whole happening felt unreal, you suddenly notice your purse was hanging open. You stop walking and quickly open it and immediately start looking for your phone.

Fuck. Battery is dead.

As you put your phone back into the small zipper pocket of your purse, you had hid it in the whole night, you notice all of your change is gone. You remembered you had quite a few notes with you but all there was left were some coins and you couldn’t pay a cab with that. Panic rushes through you, when you start thinking about the long walk you have to take to get to your apartment. And it was night.

You let out a deep sigh as you start walking in the direction of your home, defeated and tired. You start feeling petty, thinking about everything that had happened tonight. What a horrible night, first that dirty place they call a club, then the fight, then the guy..

Jimin..

‘’Jim-in..’’ as you try to remember the image of his face, you say his name out loud, subconsciously wanting to hear yourself repeat the name of the stranger. There was something about him, you couldn’t quite put your finger on it but he sure left some impression on you.

His lips were almost childlike plump, but his expression showed lust. His face was so delicate, yet his eyes screamed sin. His hands were tiny, but his grip so powerful. His voice had a boyish sound to it, but his tone was that of a man.

Taking the longer route home next to where the cars drive by, you silently promise yourself to never take that shorter route again unless it’s daylight. Although you had to admit, this one night brought you more excitement than you had in the past year, although it wasn’t exactly the ‘’excitement’’ you’d hoped for.

Feeling petty, walking home without money or a charged phone, on the empty street, you thought to yourself how your night couldn’t get any worse until you hear a couple of drunk voices coming from behind you. You turn around and to see three guys pointing and looking your way. You quickly turn your head back. Panic rushes through you like lightning, when you hear the sound of shoes running coming closer. Only one word comes to your mind right now.

Run.

You quicken your steps as fast as you can and start fleeing away from the drunk strangers. You heart, racing from fear and the adrenaline pumping through your veins. You know it’s too late when a hand grabs onto your arm and another goes around your waist.

“Where are you going honey? Can’t we have a little fun first?” A breath overpowered by the scent of alcohol purrs down your neck as you try to get loose from the guy’s sturdy grip.

A hand flies to your breasts, making you scream and cry out, but your mouth is quickly covered by the hand of the guy holding you from the back. As you’re being pushed into a small side street by the third guy, your thoughts and fears start running wild, almost completely losing touch with reality. You think about how you’re never going to see your parents again if you they decide to kill you after they’re done with you. How you should’ve stayed with your friends instead of going home on your own. How you should’ve stayed living at your parents where you would be safe from people like these. Still hoping it was all just a bad dream, another hand pushes your front against the wall while another tries to lift your over knee skirt.

“Let me go first, ill be quick. Hold her in place.” One of the guys commands to the others.

Your tears running over the hand of the man covering your mouth as you feel an ice cold hand stroking the warm flesh of your butt cheek.

When you suddenly hear a car with a powerful engine pull over just across the road, you collect all the power in your throat, and start yelling as loud as you can in the palm of one of the guys hands, hoping someone would hear you. One of the hands pushes your head hard into the brick wall in front of you, but for some reason you didn’t feel any pain, as you were numb from fear.

Then you hear two voices coming from where the car had stopped.

‘’I gotta take a leak wait for me here’’

“Wait.. You hear that too?”

‘’No what?’’

‘’it’s coming from behind the corner man’’

‘’Ah yeah, wait i’ll go check it. Guard the stash, hide it under the seat. Five-O everywhere tonight.”

The three guys try to pull you further into the street until one of them stops at the sound of someone standing at the opening of the side street.

‘’The fuck’s happening here?’’ A voice says, coming from the opening of the side street.

“Mind your own business buddy, were busy with something here.” The third guy scoffs at the stranger.

“Yo, who the fuck are you calling buddy, fuck face?” Then you suddenly recognize that unique voice. Jimin.

“Get lost man. She wanted a three-way with us.” The third guy scoffs before walking back to you and pulling you with him onto your hair, resulting in you falling onto your knees.

“No i don’t, please don’t leave!” You whimper desperately

“Are you sure? Looks like she doesn’t wan-“

Jimin stops his words when he recognizes the side profile of your face.

He immediately starts running towards the three guys, and all you could hear were punches and kicks. The guy holding onto your hair falls onto the ground next to you, and you suddenly see a hand holding a gun against his head.

“Let go of her now, or i’ll put a fucking bullet through your skull” Jimin demands stern, his voice unnervingly calm.  

As soon as the guy lets go of your hair, Jimin put his gun behind the waistband of his jeans and lifts you up bridal style. As much trouble you had with comprehending the whole situation, you tried your best not to lose control over your senses.

When walking out of the side street, you see a boy with blueish black hair standing leaning over the hood of a big black shiny car with his hand in his pocket and a cigarette in the other.

“Jimin the fuck?” The guy remarked shocked

“Open the back door for me Yoongi” Jimin commands

The boy didn’t hesitate one bit and throws his cigarette on the ground, looking to both his sides before quickly opening the back door.

“I- i need to go h- home” you spoke up, holding your hand against your forehead

When the situation gets a little clearer, you worm yourself loose from Jimin’s grip, and he places you carefully on your feet.

Only looking at you, he doesn’t say a word.

You take a few steps back, while darting your startled eyes between the two guys.

‘’You wan’t me to get her? Yoongi asks, his voice scarily calm and confident.

Before Jimin could say a word, you turn around and start running, as fast as you can. Uncontrollable tears leaving your face and flying around in the air behind you. But you mentally promised yourself you wouldn’t stop running until you were home safe.

The days that came after were slurred and grey. It was almost like you weren’t really alive and life was just a dazed projection of a depressed mind. Your thoughts became uncontrolled and irrational. You refused to answer any of your calls or text messages, and you completely isolated yourself from the outside world. For the first time in one and a half years you had called in sick for work.

Taking care of yourself wasn’t on your mind at all and you would spend most of your time in your bed, sleeping or just staring into the darkness, drowning in your own misery. Your addiction to sleeping pills was also slowly coming back, as you took them every night before you went to bed, making you unable to fall asleep without them.

When you did manage to get yourself up and out of the house to get some groceries, you’d always felt nauseous and physically sick, walking amongst people on the busy streets of the city. Your breathing problems came back caused by the nightmares that took over your sleep, waking you up almost every night, sometimes even twice or three times during one single night.

You were slowly beginning to lose touch with reality, questioning your own existence from time to time and those of your childhood memories. Seeing people happy made you feel even worse, it reminded you of how unhappy you were and how your life wasn’t anything like you wanted it to be.

Your being woken up by a loud bang at the door, and it seemed like they had been knocking for a while now because you could hear some yells in between the banging. Dragging yourself out of your bed, you open the door to see your friend Naomi standing outside with her eyes widened and her hand covering her mouth.

“(Y/N) what the fuck??” Her eyes scanning you down with concern. She pushes the door open and walks in, looking back at you and studying you with a terrified look in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls? Everyone is worried sick about you! Do you even care?” Her expression turns from concern to anger.

“I’m fine, i just, i needed some time to myself that’s all.” You lie.

“What.. Why? What is wrong with you (Y/N) seriously? You don’t answer any calls or messages and when i contacted your mom yesterday she told me you only spoke 3 words in your last call with her. Her upset voice echoed throughout the whole apartment. Keeping your eyes on the ground, you stay silent. You didn’t want to tell her, you wanted to forget it.

Naomi takes a step closer to you and notices the bruise on your forehead.

“What is this??”  Her eyes dart back to yours, lifting your chin to make you face her. Fear was almost dripping from her face.

You stay silent for a few seconds and before you can speak, the emotions take over your face and you start sobbing in the palm of your hands.

“Naomi something happened.. I- i wanted to forget it but it’s eating me up inside. You finally confess, your voice cracked.

Although she wanted to shower you with questions, she opened her arms and took you in them and hugged you tightly. She pulls you towards the couch and sits you down before walking to your kitchen, pouring you a glass of water before bringing it to you. After you’ve taken a few sips and placed the glass of water onto the table with a shaky hand, she starts speaking again.

“Now tell me everything.” Naomi demands stern but warm as she wipes away some of your tears with her thumb.

After letting out a deep, shaky sigh, you start telling her everything that happened to you. From the bar fight until your collapse on the floor of your apartment after you got home that night. Cries and hugs eventually led to Naomi dragging you with her to her apartment to sleep at her place a few days until you felt better. She promised you she wouldn’t tell your parents and also that she wouldn’t bring it up to you, as it made you bring back the images in your head.

Arriving at Naomi’s place, she takes the bags from your hands and tells you to take a shower before she would make you something to eat.

When you get out of the shower and put on some clean clothes, the smell of fresh cilantro penetrates your nose coming from the kitchen.

Naomi was a vegan, so you were sure she would go crazy on the veggies as she knew your latest meals were mostly fast foods and microwaveable trash.

When you’re done eating she makes the couch for you to watch some movies and chill a bit till she would come back from her yoga class. Before she leaves the apartment, she pecks you on the top of your head and rushes out of the apartment.

Silence fills the apartment as the door shuts behind her, and it doesn’t take long for your negative thoughts to come ghost around your head again, making you feel dizzy and nauseous. When you suddenly feel movement behind the back of your head, you jump up and let out a loud scream, as a frightening flashback pierces your mind. Out of breath from the shock, you start laughing at yourself when you turn around and see it’s Naomi’s flat faced cat, Bilbo, stretching his legs on top of the couch.

As you sit yourself back down and start petting Bilbo, your thoughts drift off to the night you so desperately wanted to forget, the clear memories were like fresh wounds and whenever you closed your eyes you could sometimes still feel their hands touching your body. The feeling suffocated you every time.

Wanting to think about something else, you get up and walk over to the small laundry room in order to do some laundry for your friend. You squat down to get the dry laundry out of the dryer and you start folding.

Your hands pause when you hear a loud yell coming from outside. Naomi’s small laundry room had a balcony attached to it and it was the perfect place to get drunk at in the summer, and watch people from the view, but unlike you, Naomi lived in the south part of town which was filled with drug dealers, illegal immigrants, troubled family’s, hookers and all sorts of troubled folk.

You decided to ignore the sound, but after a second even louder yell followed by another, your curious nature couldn’t let you ignore it any longer, so you unlock the balcony door with the key that was stuck inside the lock. You open the door and step towards the balcony railing.

Darting your eyes at the ground floor to see what the happening was, you see a girl standing outside the apartment building facing your balcony.

Naomi’s apartment was only on the second floor so it wasn’t hard to notice she was screaming at someone who was living on the same floor. Squinting your eyes to get a clear view of the girl’s face, you notice her eye makeup was leaking down her cheek, probably from crying.

‘’Go home Jennifer you’re not wanted here’’ A laughing voice came from a couple, probably 2 or 3 apartments further than the one you were staying in now, shouted back at the girl. Followed by some more laughter coming from the same apartment.

What a dick you thought to yourself. You felt bad for the girl, but you had to admit that the whole thing did kind of amuse you, as your last days weren’t exactly fun or distracting to say the least.

‘’Taehyung please come down’’ The girl desperately begged, her words cracked in between whimpers.

‘’Go home Jennifer Tae’s not interested’’ Another voice shouted from the balcony

Curious to see who she was shouting at, you push yourself up on your toes and start leaning over the railing of your balcony, searching for faces.

‘’Please Jungkook, I love him!! Please get him to talk to me!’’ The girl cried like a little kid

‘’Look babe, you were just a one time fuck to him k? He doesn’t want you anymore. Get it through your head and go home.’’ his voice annoyed.

How can people be so coldhearted?

Eavesdropping on the conversation wasn’t doing you any good. Hearing these guys laughing at a girl who was crying her eyes out over someone she loved, hit you hard. And it doesn’t take long for the traumatic memories to crawl their way back inside your head.

As you take a step back, away from the railing you start feeling dizzy. You stumble back inside and lock the door behind you letting yourself slide down the closed door. A panic-attack was coming up, you felt it.

Short rapids breath leave your mouth and you stand up, run to the bedroom and start looking for the bottle of sleeping tablets in the big weekend bag you brought, like an absolute maniac.

As you search, your thoughts take control again and images start showing up in your head one by one. Your hands tangled in your hair, you purposely let yourself fall down on your knees, completely defeated by the anxieties.

Crying yourself yourself to sleep from the nostalgic thoughts of how much you miss being the carefree little girl. You missed your parents, your old friends. Life was much simpler back then. Freedom wasn’t as perfect as you thought it would be. Living the life that was set out for you by your parents wasn’t exactly healthy, but the decision of moving to the big city felt like the biggest mistake of your life right now.

Waking up with a pounding headache, you drag yourself out of Naomi’s bed and into the living room. When you walk over to the kitchen to get something to drink, you find a note sticking onto the refrigerator.

Morning sunshine, I’m off to work, be back around 6. Could you clean Bilbo’s litter box pleeease, he took a shit but i didn’t have enough time to clean it up cause was already late sorry the house must stink by now :( Anyway relax a bit and try to take your mind of what happened k I’m free tomorrow so tonight we’ll get drunk. I’m bringing vodka lime. Love

After cleaning the litter box, you slip into some of Naomi’s gym clothes, and leave the apartment to do some running to get your mind off of things.

After watching an entire season of Vampire Diaries, you feel relieved when you hear Naomi enter the apartment. You were actually looking forward to some drinking and having fun. You could use a relaxing high after those dark days. Drinking one after the other, you feel the alcohol slowly starting to kick in, and after laughing about random stuff Naomi told you about her awkward boss, you started slightly feeling human again.

When it’s about 10 pm you and Naomi both feel like going out, but your friend suggests it’s best for you not to go out for at least a month as the city would do your mental state no good. You agree. It would only remind you of that night and what happened to you and that was the last thing you wanted.

“Maybe uhm, we could go to a party next door?” Naomi suggests looking at her phone, putting her drink down.

“Party? Where?” Your words slurred from the booze, but high of excitement.

“Wel uhm.. I’m not really sure if it’s a good idea though..” She says, eying you with concern.

“It is! I want to go. Who throws the party?” You almost shout

Silence fills the room for a few seconds as she tries to read your face, hers laced with concern.

“I’m fine Naomi, i could use some distraction, really.” You assure her with a forced calm voice.

“Alright.. uh, it’s from my neighbour, a few doors further. He only moved in here a couple of months ago. He’s like crazy handsome, but i think he does some edgy things…” she pauses, ticking her finger nail against her phone and pouting her mouth. A thing she always does when she is thinking about something.

You curiously stare at her, waiting for her to continue.

“Anyway, i met him when i was walking over to my door once. He seemed really nice and we exchanged numbers. And now he asks me to come over because he’s having a party..”

“Great story. Let’s go” You say, jumping up

“Wow, slow down cowboy, are you sure you can handle it?” Lifting an eyebrow at you.

“Yeah, and it’s only a couple of doors away right? So if it gets to much, which it won’t, i can just leave without any struggle. You convince her.

“Alright, go change into something more approachable. We’re going to have some fun.” Naomi smirks, finishing the last of her Vodka lime and getting up.

Done with getting ready, you had to admit you were feeling pretty good. The alcohol was doing it’s job and you felt more confident wearing one of your friend’s tight beige cigarette trousers, which made your ass look banging, and wearing a black crop top that was only an inch away from meeting the trousers. Naomi convinced you to let your hair down, something you barely did. You always wore it in a tight bun or a messy one. Your friends always praised your hair for it’s natural light brown colour, for how long it was and how your hair had those big loose bouncy curls at the end of the layers. You never liked your hair, you’d always seen it as a burden, and ended up wearing it up in a bun.

You quickly run to the kitchen to make yourself a last shot of vodka before leaving, so you’d not lose the positive high you were in, before leaving the apartment with your friend.

The party was only a few door away and you instantly knew which apartment it was from the vibrations the loud base of the music left under your feet.

When arrived at the apartment, you hear girls giggling over the sound of the hiphop music.

“Are you sure you’re alright with doing this?’’ Naomi asks, keeping her finger an inch away from the doorbell, looking at you.

‘’Yeah, yeah, i’m fine. Don’t worry’’ You assure her, your voice slurred but convincing.

As soon as she rings the bell, you hear people shouting over the music to open the door. And a few seconds later the door opens and a tall handsome boy with brown hair, holding a red cup in his left hand stand before the both of you. Scanning you down from head to toe before stepping aside and nodding his head for the two of you to come in, smirking at you as you pass by him. You awkwardly smile back at him.

When entering the apartment, the strong scent of liquor instantly penetrates your nose making your stomach turn. and when you enter the living room, you start feeling a little uncomfortable, seeing people grind against each other on the couch and two girls with awfully short skirts, making out with each other while both sitting on a guy’s lab.

You suddenly feel an arm sliding behind your neck, making you slightly jump up and turn towards the person doing it.

‘’Hello ladies, good you could make it. What can i get you both?’’ a handsome guy with a red bandana in his hair, says smiling at the both of you.

‘’Wow, you didn’t tell me you had such a beautiful friend’’ He interrupts himself, furrowing his eyebrows, looking at you and back to Naomi.

You awkwardly smile, darting your eyes at the ground before looking back at him.

Naomi laughs before introducing you to him. ‘’Taehyung, this is (Y/N). (Y/N), Taehyung.’’.

Taking your hand and smiling at you, you feel like he is devouring you with his dark eyes.

Teahyung.. You suddenly remember the girl screaming that name while crying her eyes out standing under the balcony. Naomi wasn’t lying. He really is incredibly handsome.

Feeling yourself blushing from his gaze, you quickly ask him if he could get you and your friend some vodka’s. He winks in response before walking off to the kitchen.

‘’Oh my god Naom, he’s hot as fuck.’’ You turn towards you friend, widening your eyes at her.

‘’I know right?! I can’t believe he’s my neighbor.’’ Naomi replies, holding her hands in the air next to head.

‘’I don’t think i’m going to hook up with him though, i still miss Josh to be honest, i feel like i will only have myself with it if i slept with someone else this soon..’’ She continues, Her eyes seeming lost in her thoughts.

‘’A kiss won’t hurt no one..’’ you reply playfully, biting your lip to stop yourself from smiling

You loved your drunk self way to much and you knew it. All though you were never addicted to anything else but your sleeping pills a few years ago, you knew you were prone to addiction in general. Everything that could help you escape the reality of facing yourself was tempting to you. Your self hatred had resulted in you forcing yourself to be different, act different, to seem different most importantly.

When Taehyung comes back and hands you and your friend two red cups, he starts chatting with Naomi. Taking a big sip of the vodka, you start looking around.

Your heart stops in your throat when you spot a boy with dark blueish hair sitting at the kitchen table, making something that seemed to be a joint. It was the guy who opened the the door for you when you were in the arms of the boy, who saved you from those 3 guys that almost raped you.

He notices your staring at him and shoots you a calm glance before turning his head back and licking the paper of the joint to then seal it.

Didn’t he recognize you?

Trying to calm your breathing, you turn to Taehyung, who’s now leaning his hand against the wall next to Naomi’s head.

‘’Naomi i’m going to the bathroom for a min ok?’’ You say nervously

‘’Everything alright (Y/N)? Are you feeling sick?’’ Naomi asks concerned, shifting all of her attention to you.

‘’No, no. I’m fine really. I just need to freshen up, that’s all.’’ You smile reassuringly

‘’Ok. Well, let me know if you wanna leave or anything ok?’’ she warmly smiles

Making your way towards the bathroom, you struggle your way past all kinds of drunk people, your vision blurry and faded from the high percentage of alcohol in your blood. Getting slightly frustrated, you start pushing your way through, making you bump into the back of a boy with a snapback on his head.

‘’Who the fuck spilled my drink?’’ he turns around and his enraged expressions turns to surprise when he sees you.

Your knees almost lose their strength when you see the boy’s face.

It was him, Jimin. His name had never left your mind after that night.

Trying to act like you didn’t remember him, even though you’d already made it very obvious you were shocked by his presence, you quickly start to worm your way through the people standing next to him. And then when you almost made it to the bathroom, a hand pulls your arm, and jams you against the wall, next to it.

‘’You don’t have nice manners, you know that?’’ Jimin says, his voice husky and his eyes narrowed playfully

Not moving away from him, you return his gaze with a bold one, crossing your arms against your chest.

‘’I didn’t even get a thank you after i saved you from being gang banged’’ His words hit you like a knife, but the alcohol made confident enough to believe you were not the innocent girl he thought you were and you decided to hit him back with a bold reply.

‘’Oh thank you my hero, my savior. Where would i be without you.’’ you sarcastically pray, not losing eye contact.

‘’Anytime baby girl, anytime.’’ he cockily replies, winking at you before leaning back.

‘’I’m not your baby girl, don’t call me that.’’ You scoff at him, your words slurred and your eyelids slightly hanging.

‘’Ok, then tell me your name?’’ He leans in. His face only inches away from yours, making you  silently gasp.

‘’My name is (Y/N)’’ You answer, holding your hand out for him sarcastically, in attempt to make him move away.

‘’Nice to meet you, (Y/N).’’ Accepting your hand with a firm grip, he playfully smirks at you. His intimidating eyes piercing into yours, making you feel instantly uncomfortable and aware of how little control you had over the situation.

‘’Now will you leave me alone? I’m trying to enjoy a party’’ you say, forcing another obviously fake smile before walking away from him.

Walking back to Naomi, you spot her making out with Taehyung. Not wanting to ruin the moment, you decide to pour yourself another drink, as if you weren’t already drunk enough.

Walking over to the kitchen your being stopped by a soft grip. You turn around to see the boy that opened the door for Naomi and you when you two first came in.

‘’Looking for some company?’’ He asked mischievously, giving you a warm smile and gently sneaking his hand to your waist.

‘’What’s your name?’’ He practically whispers

You couldn’t help but to blush at his sudden presence. He was incredibly handsome. He seemed like the youngest and the smoothest out of all the guys here. He had a cute boyish vibe to him, but it was mostly overpowered by masculinity.

‘’I’m (Y/N)..’’ You let your words wander off as you feel his grip on your waist tightening

“I’m Jungkook’’ He chuckled

Your drunk high was keeping you off guard and you didn’t restrain from his touch, letting him turn you around and pull you closer to him. He started moving his hips slow to the beat of the music, grinding his crotch against the tight fabric of your beige trousers. Moving his lips to your ears, the shivers run down your spine, feeling the vibrations of his voice whispering so close to your tender flesh.

‘’I couldn’t keep my eyes off you when you came in’’ His voice was almost that of a singer, warm like honey but laced with a husky undertone.

When your eyes, wander towards the big table, you spot Jimin staring you down while talking to the boy, who was rolling a joint earlier. His demeanor was serious, fierce. You quickly dart your eyes away from him and start swaying your hips wider to the sound of the music, creating instant friction between the bulge in Jungkook’s pants grinding your behind.

You hadn’t felt like this in years. Although it wasn’t exactly the healthiest thing to do, you hadn’t had a boyfriend, or any physical contact with a boy in almost 4 years. Your mind and body practically screamed for affection.

You suddenly see movement in the corner of your eye, coming from the spot Jimin was seated. Darting your eyes back at Jimin, you see a girl in high heels and a short dress sitting down at his lab. Her arm slides around his neck and you see her long red painted finger nails stroke his chest and grabbing his shirt needy. His arm sneaks around her waist, resting it onto her hip, and for some reason you felt yourself getting insanely jealous by the sight of it. Jimin Noticed your staring and he slowly turns his face towards that of the girl’s, looking her into her eyes and slowly biting his lip before smiling at her. Your eyes shift down to her hip, noticing Jimin’s hand firmly squeezing it a few times. The girl started giggling and moving in his lap. You wanted to throw up. She wore so much makeup, you could practically write your name in her forehead you thought to yourself.

Trying to ignore your weird jealousy towards this stranger, you look away and start focusing on your dance with Jungkook again.

Jungkook brings his right hand up the side of your head, stroking your long brown locks away from your face and slowly bringing his hand down your slightly sweaty neck. You watch his fingers trail down the crook of your neck towards your shoulder so slowly it brought goosebumps to your entire body. Making you close your eyes for a quick second. When you’re being turned around by Jungkook’s hands, he pulls you closer to him. His bulge pressing into your lower belly.

Leaning in, he starts whispering into your ear. “You make me so horny baby, let’s go find a quiet place so we can be alone hm..’’ Sneaking his hands down your waist to your butt, you feel his hand coming closer to your sensitive area, making you gasp.

Taking the gasp as a yes, he grabs your arm and pulls you with him and starts walking towards the back of the apartment where the bedrooms where located.

As you follow Jungkook, a sudden feeling forms in the pit of your stomach and it wasn’t a good feeling. It was the same feeling you felt that night, when those 3 guys almost mercilessly raped you in that dark alley.

When Jungkook reaches for the door handle, a firm hand grabs onto his lower arm, making you both stop moving. Shocked by the sudden movement, you look down at Jungkook’s arm and see the small pale hand covered in silver rings firmly squeezing his flesh.

‘’Not her’’ Jimin’s stern voice shocked you so much, you simply just stare at Jimin’s serious expression, his eyes fixed on Jungkook.

“Come on hyung, let me have some fun with her’’ Jungkook smirked, but Jimin’s serious expressions didn’t change.

‘’No, go fuck Wendy or something. Not her.’’ He commands, his voice unnervingly calm.

Although you were a little frightened by his sudden intrusion, his presence did make you feel somewhat safe.

His gaze shifts to you when Jungkook takes a step back.

‘’Don’t you have a home to go to? You can’t even properly walk that’s how drunk you are.’’ Jimin stated his voice irritated, before nodding his head at Jungkook for him to leave you two alone.

You didn’t even notice Jungkook walking away, as you’re anger towards Jimin started to boil up inside of you.

‘’Who are you my father? I don’t need you to tell me what i can and can’t do, Jimin.’’ You hiss, saying his name like it was poison on your tongue.

‘’Alright, do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t give a shit.’’ Jimin scoffs uninterested, before turning around and walking away from you.

Angered by the way he thought he had control over you, you follow him angry and start tapping your finger on his broad shoulder, making him turn around.

‘’What’s your problem dude?’’ You scowl, furrowing your eyebrows at him.

Jimin stays silent for a few seconds, only blinking at you and keeping his lips together in a straight line.

‘’What are you even doing here huh?’’ Jimin finally replies with narrowed eyes, while lightly shaking his head to the words.

‘’You shouldn’t be at a place like this.’’

‘’You don’t even know me asshole!’’ You almost scream at him, balling your hands into fists from anger.

Flaring his nostrils, and furrowing his eyebrows at you, Jimin grabs both your shoulders and jams you into the wall with a loud bang. His sudden reaction scared you so much, you could feel the tingling sensation of upcoming tears spreads from your nose up to your eyes.

Shocked by his own reaction, his eyes widen and he takes a step back from you.

‘’I’m so sorry, i- I can’t control myself sometimes…’’ his voice shaky

Completely frozen against the wall, you only blink at him.

You noticed how his cheeks had gotten a reddish blush from the sudden anger and how he was breathing heavily.

After almost half a minute of silence you start speaking,

‘’What do you want from me?’’ looking into his eyes with question

‘’Nothing. If i hadn’t pulled over that night, you would’ve been raped. And now you’re here, almost getting fucked by one of the boys.’’ 

‘’What do you care?’’ You coldly scoff at him, struggling to hold in the tears that are coming with the thought of being raped that night if he hadn’t shown up.

‘’It’s not like you’re any different from them, you’re just as much scum.’’ You provokingly scoff at him.   You wanted to drive him to his edge. You wanted to know what his problem was with you.

Not saying a thing, Jimin takes a step towards you and moves his face to yours, letting his balled fist rest on the wall next to you head. His gaze was fueled with rage and his nostrils flaring from anger. Only glaring at you and breathing heavily, it almost seemed like he wanted to kill you right then and there. 

Frozen against the wall, your eyes shift from his eyes to his lips. They were the most beautiful lips you had ever seen. They were so delicate and pink. A little bruised, but somehow that made them even more alluring. Entranced by his lips, you slowly lean in and start kissing him. 

You instantly feel him relaxing under your touch and you slowly move your hand towards his chest, grabbing onto his black sweatshirt, making him lean in and start kissing you back with intense hunger.

Kissing him felt unreal, you weren’t sure what was happening. His overpowering lips tingled all the sensations in your mouth and his tongue darted out from time to time, meeting yours and playing with it so skillfully you felt a little intimidated by it. You knew your kisses were sloppy from the lack of control you had due to the alcohol, but you didn’t care. You wanted nothing more than to feel his wet silky lips onto yours. Grabbing your hand, Jimin lifts it against the wall slowly pushing it upward, making you arch you back and pushing your pumping chest into him. His other hand slides from the front to the back of your neck, his fingers tangled in your hair and then trailing down to your upper back. Pushing you even more into his chest.

Still oozy from the alcohol, you start seeing coloured stains and firework-like lights on the inside of your eyelids. A nervous feeling overpowered you in the pit of your stomach, it was a good kind of nervousness and you couldn’t explain it. The sound of the music and people talking in the background made it feel like you and him were the only two people who really mattered in this moment in life.

When he leans away from your lips, he rests his nose onto yours. You both stay silent for a few seconds, both out of breath from the intensity.

‘’I uh.. I should go.’’ You breath, giving Jimin a modest smile, before he leans back away from you.

While walking away from him, you’re being pulled by the hand that is still holding onto yours, making you turn back at him.

‘’Nice to meet you (Y/N)’’ He softly says, his lips curved into a smile.

Walking away from him in attempt to get Naomi and leave the party, your mind replays the sound of Jimin’s husky voice saying your name a few times. 

Your name rolling of his tongue felt strange. He didn’t fit your life or your morals. Even saying your name the way he did felt like he was saying it in some strange foreign language you had never heard of. However, knowing that didn’t change the fact that you were drawn to this guy more than you’d supposedly wanted.

i’m sorry for the cliché rape scene, i just really wanted Jimin to be a hero 🙃 hope y'all liked it. I will definitely continue this story. 

[monkey-network]

Mini Stuff of Good: 2019 2nd Quarter

We’re doing a lightning round of anything up to this point, no holds barred! 3. 2.. 1...

One Punch Man 2

The story certainly made up the utter downgrade of its animation. If anything, I’d seriously stick with the manga if we’re talking good spectacle. (Grade: C+)

Care Bears: Unlock the Magic

I can say this is Turner’s answer to Hasbro’s My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. The look of it is a plus and the episodes are on the same level of quality as MLP, but I had my doubts that this would get the same level of traction, especially since it’s Boomerang. It’s not bad, just not much to write home about. (Grade: C)

Uglydolls

An upbeat movie that I say didn’t deserve the disdain it received. Like yeah, it’s pretty by the numbers, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t entertaining in the slightest, and surprisingly heavy in its racial undertones if you’d believe me. (Grade: B-)

Avengers Endgame

Was certainly conclusive and fun, but inferior compared to Infinity War, especially when it unfortunately has to undo everything that happened in that movie. Not as many good memes from this as the interchangeable Thanos snap meme. (Grade: B)

Tuca & Bertie

Honestly a fun series that makes its cancellation just depressing to hear. The duo themselves made every episode enjoyable and while I wish certain plot points could’ve been better, the overall story arc with our MC’s friendship was very investing. In the least, the season ended on a good, optimistic note. (Grade: A-)

Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart

Essentially the Adventures of Puss in Boots, anime edition. Not to say that’s a bad thing, because there are plenty of differences, but come on, the similarities between the two leads and the premise are eeriely similar. As such, it gets the same grade (Grade: B+)

Shazam

A DC comic book movie that actually tries to be a comic book movie. Bonus points for the director being one that mostly made horror movies. (Grade: A-)

Scooby Doo and Guess Who?

Scooby Doo and self humor doesn’t sit well with me since the fun came in taking its campy nature straightfaced while having some good sitcom laughs, i.e. Monsters Unleashed, Mystery Incorporated, or Be Cool, Scooby Doo. The celebrity guests are almost always a highlight, but they also admittedly take away from the characters we’re meant to see. (Grade: B-)

Archer 1999

Finally, a season of Archer that has everyone together doing space adventures, and it’s not the final season! (Grade: B+)

Dick Pikachu

Lovely to look at, not so much in remembering it. It has the same grade I gave the game it’s based on. (Grade: C+)

Gokushufudou: The Way of the House Husband

The most perfect yakuza based slice of life comic around. (Grade: S)

Burning Effect

I honestly haven’t seen a webcomic that went this hard before. It’s like Bakugo from My Hero Academia went into every character design and impacting visual, with a story and premise that gradually makes sense the more you carry on and a female lead that is a upcoming warrior in every sense. (Grade: A)

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s a Youtube channel that reviews this show episode by episode and I found them more insightful and entertaining than this series. A shame since I like the original She-Ra and I was hoping for a good series about princesses fighting. But this series was slog to get through and it doesn’t help that my attachment to most of the characters has fizzled out. Season 3 certainly picked things up, but it shouldn’t have took this long to pick things up. (Grade: C+)

The Secret Life of Pets 2

Just as good as the first one, if not better, which I bet many who reviewed this will probably say otherwise. The scene near the end is honestly cemented in my mind, it just worked. (Grade: B-)

SMG4, The Anime Arc

This definitely fun. A middling 1st half, but things definitely pick up in the 2nd half. There are some contrivances and conveniences, but man was that the most engaged I’ve ever been with this Youtube series overall. (Grade: B+)

Aladdin (2019)

Oh wow, another remake that pales in comparison to the original. A takeaway from all this is Disney needs to hire directors that aren’t boring. (Grade: D+)

MIB: International

Oh wow, it’s Jurassic World: Men In Black edition with two great actors that are heavily underutilized in it. Where’s Taika when you need him? (Grade: C-)

Lion King (2019)

Oh wow, a remake that doesn’t understand why the original worked. This here was honestly the final straw for me as I am distancing myself from these remakes because unless one actually looks and feels appealing, my sensible bias towards them will never change. I feel annoyed that I DON’T know what people see in these. (Grade: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!)

DC Super Hero Girls

Honestly what I wanted Nu She-Ra to be, better animated, better characterized, and reminds me of the new Ninja Turtles series with how it is setting things up. As a DC fan, I am more than impressed. (Grade: A)

X-Men, Dark Phoenix

They honestly weren’t trying and this movie resulted in me getting Ligma. (Grade: D+)

Our Cartoon President

We had our laughs a couple years ago, but let’s be real. Trump is a dried up meme and there was no reason for a 2nd season of this. (Grade: F+)

Final Space

Season 2 has its hits and misses but I am very much enjoying this series still. The latest episode deep down made me wish it didn’t try to make things drama heavy for the previous episodes, like it’s trying to recapture the sharp turn that was season one’s episode six. Needless to say, they’re certainly keeping the momentum going for this series and I’m all for it. (Grade: B+)

Aero (Comic series)

Imagine if Nejire from My Hero Academia was a Marvel superhero. The dialogue and writing is generic and simple, but you not only get a nice grasp of our heroine but this is one of the first anime looking Marvel comics that looks incredible. This really stood out at my comic shop and I am very intrigued to see more of this character and this artwork. (Grade: B)

Infinity Train

Very compelling, nicely visualized, and the 10 episode work to a good strength of pacing. Though I will be honest, One-One wasn’t a character that stood out to me, I dunno, I felt distant towards him compared to the other characters. But I enjoyed this no doubt and I’m glad there is more to come. (Grade: ???)

Twelve Forever

This is one of those rare shows where I’ll gladly say it’s good but not entertaining. As much as I enjoy randomness every now and then, I felt bored watching it. The Butt Witch was the saving grace, immediately being my favorite character, but she wasn’t enough to make me keep going. I’ll give it a good grade tho with the effort they put into everything. (Grade: B)

Rocko’s Modern Life, Static Cling

I already reviewed this before, but I honestly considered this a great comeback to a very nostalgic and influential show. (Grade: A)

Meta Runner

A new series with surprisingly good pacing and a empathetically great main character. The dialogue can be give and take, with a villain that’s honestly too evil for his own good, but I can’t help but say that this is an engaging series. And it’s youtube sooo bonus. (Grade: B+)

Amphibia

A series that definitely got better as it went along. I like the episodes that had good ties to the season’s climax, the main four are especially the highlight with their personalities, and the character growth felt natural if on the nose sometimes. I’m stoked for part 2,,, hopefully they schedule it better. (Grade: A-)

Angry Birds 2

It was fun. Probably forgettable to many, but I won’t deny that it’s one of the better popcorn flics of the Summer (Grade: B+)

Toy Story 4

I grown tired of people questioning whether or not this movie was pointless, so I’ll come out the gate to say that this is the best movie of the Summer so far. It was a more solemn movie that was organically thoughtful with itself, there were plenty of laughs, I loved Bo Peep, and the way they handled the antagonist is something that rocked the franchise’s themes to the core sensibly. This film makes for one of the few times a fourth sequel can actually come out great. (Grade: A)

T I M E’S U P ! ! ! ! ! !

Welp, looks like the spring and summer have indeed strengthened itself for the better. Can the latter half of 2019 keep the momentum as we reach the new decade? Stay tuned.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 137, January 2019

I’ve spent the last few days reflecting on 2018 and everything that I’ve achieved this year.  

2018 has been one of the most challenging years of my life. It's been both progressive and regressive as far as my goals are concerned. I've started to embrace what it's like to be an "Aspie" or a High Functioning Autistic person, joining in several groups and social functions by Aspergers Victoria. I successfully become a participant with the NDIS and have began using my funding for services with Mentis Assist and Everyday Independence.

My fitness goals took a tumble especially in the second half of this year. It was to be expected following the change of my antidepressant medication with shifts in mood, motivation, poor sleep, high anxiety and stress levels. But this is something I am determined to work on for 2019. I want to lose weight again and maintain some healthy lifestyle habits.

I think this year I've become much more honest at times. I'm still a very sensitive person and yet I know when to cut the cord and not take any bullshit from others. I've burned a few bridges that ended up being blessings in disguise. I've learned a lot of things about self-care, forgiveness and where I should be focusing my attention. To challenge my negative thinking more and to realise that I’m stronger than I think sometimes, especially in stressful situations.

Local gigs took a back seat but my support for independent bands has never been stronger. I continue to promote and support them in my spare time. In particular, Windwaker, Reside, Ebonivory, Driven To The Verge, RESIST THE THOUGHT, Tapestry, Ocean Sleeper, Stuck Out, ÂME NOIRE, Hollow World, Greyview, Spectral Fires. Hopefully in 2019, attending local gigs will be a bigger priority for me again.

To say that 2018 was a rough year would be an understatement but I've certainty grown as a person and achieved many goals including taking on my very first civil claims case at VCAT, participating in the Men of Doveton program, beginning small group fitness classes at CinFull Fitness, attending yoga classes at Level Up Yoga, writing reviews for Behind The Scene, applying for the Disability Support Pension at Centrelink, seeing a psychiatrist for the first time (Dr. Ricardo Peralta from OPTIMIND at Nepean Specialist Group).

I used to get myself so worked up and depressed over the thought of being alone (All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself anymore) on New Year's Eve. Or even worried that I wouldn't have any plans and have nobody invite me to their gatherings or parties. Now as a thirty-something year old, I simply don't give a shit that I don't have concrete plans for NYE straight after Christmas. I go with the flow and if a worthy opportunity comes along, then I'll take it.

Which is exactly what I did when Rhiannon Razzie Vergoz invited me out to a small intimate social gathering at her place. It was a last minute thing and I didn’t have any other plans so I figured why not. I guess I did have some concerns about whether I would click socially and get along with her friends but I feel like 2019 will be more about taking more chances in life.

I had to catch a train from Belgrave station to Camberwell station. It was then I realise that there was no services stopping at Auburn station and so I decided to walk it to Rhiannon’s place from there. My reusable bag filled with drinks, my Stephen King novel, antidepressants , a phone charger, glasses case, plastic wine flute and a jumper was heavy as but the walk through Camberwell Junction and along Riversdale Road made it worth the effort.

The houses were mostly 1920’s double brick English-styled cottages with weatherboard facades and lead-light windows. The streets were lined with towering oak trees. Once I found  Rhiannon’s unit, I was greeted by their black cat named Maddy. The social awkwardness was already kicking in as I stood inside the kitchen while my friend was busy baking some spring rolls and cutting up a milo-chocolate brownie slice that she prepared earlier. Eventually I did go outside and introduced myself to Rhiannon’s friends and housemates.

This was a group of friends that I normally wouldn’t associate myself with being somebody who is quiet, shy, introverted, Gay and Autistic. Plus most of the humour was “blacker” than I’m used to, to the point where my mind questioned whether we should be laughing at those things.  And yet I was willing to go with the flow. We spent the night playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo Switch, playing several rounds of Cards Against Humanity, chilling outside in the back patio area, eating loads of junk food and consuming lots of alcohol. There was also many weird and disturbing conversations had, nudie runs out on the street and the loud off-key singing of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time.

We briefly gathered outside the front of the street to celebrate the New Year and overheard the fireworks going off from the city. I passed out shortly after midnight as my body and mind were both clearly exhausted. I desperately wanted to fall sleep. I found a double bed inside the bedroom at the end of the hallway and swiftly collapsed into it. My thoughts did turn dark for a moment, wondering if the crew would notice that I’d gone missing or if my disappearance had gone unnoticed.

Thankfully they did and I was found very much mentally conscious but physically passed out. I was in some weird sleep paralysis like state where my body just didn’t want to move an inch and yet I was fine with that. Shortly after, Ben was sleeping beside me and I did my best not to move too much or disturb him from sleeping. But of course having sleeping problems of my own makes that almost impossible and I ended up tossing and turning anyway once the affects of the alcohol wore off.

Speaking up in a group filled with loud, wild extroverts proved far too difficult for me tonight. I also feel like I am capable of having decent conversations but it takes me a long time to finally open up and be comfortable enough with the people I’m around to do that. I think it’s hard blending in with ANY social group so I deserve credit for giving it a crack especially when I was meeting most of these people for the first time tonight. I could have snuck out during the night but I didn’t.

On New Years Day, I got myself out of bed around 9.30am, hearing birds chirping and a light breeze rustling the leaves outside the window. I was feeling slightly hungover and very groggy. I drank about 5 beers, a Jaggerbomb, a glass of champagne and 2-3 glasses of pink mascato. Everyone else was clearly feeling worse than me. Rhiannon and Ben cooked us up a lovely breakfast including rashers of bacon, hash browns, grilled tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Talk about a great hangover cure!

We spent the morning flicking channels randomly from the CBS Today Show (featuring some painfully awful live performances of Hailee Steinfeld with backing dancers dressed up in raincoats) to the Morning Show Summer Series (featuring a highly disturbing segment with Larry Emdur trying to body roll with a group of male strippers at Sexpo) and a couple of episodes of Bondi Rescue (featuring dumb backpackers naturally!).

It certainly wasn’t a boring New Year’s that’s for sure and I was very grateful to be included within this small group of people. Did I feel uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone at times? YES! Am I glad that I spent NYE with friends rather than home alone though? YES! Sometimes risks are worth taking even if you don’t end with the desired outcomes. It was still an enjoyable adventure overall and I’m glad I went.

On Thursday morning, I decided to go for a walk around at Wilson Botanic Park Berwick. Unfortunately, it ended up being a brief stroll as my counsellor Ruth changed my appointment to an earlier time at the last minute. But instead of fretting and getting annoyed, I tried my hardest to appreciate the time I did have before 12 o’clock. I chose to walk around the lakeside track which passes by the Amphitheater and the lily pond near the entrance to the park. https://www.casey.vic.gov.au/facilities-hire/wilson-botanic-park-berwick

I only had about half an hour but it was a nice way to pass the time before my counselling session. Hopefully next week I’ll be able to plan things a bit better and have more time to spend exploring the other walking tracks and make a day of it. Plus the weather was heating up. Extreme heat always seems to have adverse effects on my ability to concentrate and function so I try not to stay outside too long when it’s 30 to 35 degrees or over. I also try to keep myself hydrated and wear a hat especially when I’m fully exposed to the sun. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/heat

On Thursday night, I did a Body Pump class with Sarah at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Despite how warm it was outside, I still managed to motivate myself to come down to the gym tonight as I’d rather deal with mid-20’s than the scorching 42 degrees tomorrow. Sarah put us through release number 106 which features tracks including I Am Here by Pink, Tell Me You Love Me by Galantis & Throttle, Coco’s Miracle by Fedde Le Grand & Dannic vs. Coco Star and Revenge by Pink & Eminem. https://www.siphilp.com/bodypump-106-music-track-listing.aspx

It was a very challenging workout particularly the painfully brutal lunge track with far too many lunge pulses and no breaks. And it’s not wonder as most people would be feeling the same way post-New Year’s Eve. Sore and unfit. I wisely selected and use mostly lighter weights for that reason as I didn’t want to burn out too quickly. But at least Sarah made it entertaining and highlighted her own struggles with getting back into routine again. https://www.lesmills.com.au/bodypump

“Oh, I think I've landed. Where there are miracles at work. For the thirst and for the hunger. Come the conference of birds. And say it's true. It's not what it seems. Leave your broken windows open. And in the light just streams. And you get a head. A head full of dreams. You can see the change you want to. Be what you want to be.” Coldplay - A Head Full of Dreams (2016)

“And you can say what is, or fight for it. Close your mind and take a risk. You can "it's mine" and clench your fist. Or see each other as a gift. We're gonna get it, get it together I know. Gonna get it, get it together and flow. Gonna get it, get it together and go. Up and up. Fixing up a car to drive in it again. When you're in pain. When you think you've had enough. Don't ever give up.” Coldplay - Up&Up (2016)