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kiddbegins · 10 months ago

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All Day - Brian Zvonecek | 18+

Requested: yes

Word count: 2,788

Warnings: smut [dirty talk, dry humping, fingering, unprotected sex (womp womp), creampie?], aftercare <3

A/n: yeah idk hi

Masterlist

“Imagine how I good I’d feel inside you.” + “I didn’t know you were like this.”

Being with Brian was probably the easiest thing you’d ever done. Easily. He was kind, and gentle, and loving. Just overall a sweet charmer. Working together meant a lot of your time together was spent on calls.

And today had been intense, a helicopter crashing because of a couple of boys flying a drone was not something either of you expected from the shift but regardless of working on different companies, you and Brian saved a lady’s life.

And god did he look good doing it. No seriously, seriously, if it wasn’t the life or death situation of a lady you would have been ogling over him the entire time, but you know, professionalism and all. Regardless, the way he took control over all of it? Knew what he was doing?

Hot. Just so extremely, extremely hot. And it had been on your mind all day. Especially now as you were in the passenger seat of his car on your way to his place. It was difficult keeping your thoughts to yourself, but part of you worried that he’d be, weirded out? That you were turned on by him just doing his job.

So you sat, legs pressed together and your hand innocently in his. Even now as he drove your eyes shifted up from where you two were connected, over his arm, his partially covered bicep that now out of his uniform was only covered by the short sleeve of his button up, and over his face.

“I can feel you staring.” Brian spoke suddenly, glancing over without as much as a turn of his head. Instantly your cheeks went red, turning away from him with a shake of the head.

“I- No, I was just, admiring.” You blubbered out, shifting slightly. Getting caught looking was one thing but getting caught looking because you were having a million and one thoughts of him on top of you was embarrassing to say the least.

Brian turned his head to you briefly, “Mhm, well stop doing that. Hair on the back of my neck is standing up. Tickles,” He chuckled faintly, squeezing your hand. He was very obviously kidding but still, you turned your eyes to look out the window

If you didn’t look at him then maybe you’d be able to control yourself. Except when you got home and he instantly fell onto the couch with his shoes kicked off, you couldn’t help looking over him.

This time your lingering gaze was not ignored, Brian twisting to look right back at you, “If you’re gonna stare, at least do so over here so I can hold onto you while you do,” He muttered, his hand stretching out lazily.

You sucked in a deep breath before walking over to him. “Maybe I want to admire you from afar.” You teased, grabbing onto his hand. The warmth of his palm made you sigh, instantly being drawn towards him.

“You could but,” Brian yanked your arm just slightly, pulling you onto his lap. “I couldn’t do this,” He smiled, eyes sliding over your face. With your legs around him, you bit your lip, shrugging just slightly.

It took nearly everything inside of you to not grind down against him, instead putting your arms over his shoulders, one hand slipping into his hair. “Hm, you’re right. I like this,” You grinned, feeling his hands sliding up your thighs. “Yeah, like this a lot.”

Slowly you leaned forward, pressing your lips to him, giving up on whatever control you had over yourself. Brian was just too damn intoxicating and you couldn’t ignore it anymore. Apparently he was on the same page though, his grip going to your hips just tightly enough to push you down against him.

A soft groan rumbled through you, repeating the motion, this time without any outside force needed. As soon as you pulled back his lips were on your neck – hot open mouthed kisses going across your skin. “God I’ve wanted this all day,” You muttered out, tugging just slightly at his hair.

The tickle of his mustache always made you squirmy, that on top of the annoyance in your pants made you rock down against him steadily, not caring how needy it made you look. “All day?” Brian muttered, pushing your shirt off your shoulder.

“Well, since,” A moan cut you off as he sucked a mark onto your collarbone. ��Since that helicopter call.” You weren’t going to say anything but as soon as it came out, his hands slid up your sides, one staying splayed out on your back.

Brian’s eyebrow lifted, confused on how you decided you wanted him like this on a call of all places. “The helicopter call?” He questioned, tucking stray strands of hair off of your face. Softly you hummed in response, scratching just slightly at his scalp.

“Mhm, watching you take everything apart, and lifting it. I don’t really know. Did something to me.” You burned red as you admitted it to him. He instantly shifted to grab the bottom of your shirt, pulling it up and off of you.

The sudden coldness of the room made you suck in a breath, his lips immediately connecting to your chest. You held him to your chest, the growing bulge in his jeans giving you more friction, his hands grabbing wherever they could.

Your sides, hips, thighs, ass. Everywhere. If he could touch you everywhere all at once he would. “You know,” You breathed out, looking down at him. “When I first met you, I didn’t know you were like this.”

Honestly, meeting young Brian Zvonecek his first year on truck was crazy. He was a goofy guy. His hair was still unruly, he’d gotten better at styling it now but you liked it before either way. He’d filled out his uniform nicely, again, not that you weren’t infatuated from first sight but it was more so the growing together that got you. And you were thankful for that daily.

Brian’s hands went back up your thighs, squeezing as they did. “Yeah, and I didn’t know I was like this, either. And I thought you were shy when I first met you... Now look at you, huh?” He always did manage to have a sort of cocky attitude when he had you like this. Which, lucky for him, was pretty often.

You left out a soft whimper at his tone, biting your lip. Brian reached up more, moving to unbutton your jeans, looking up at you. Easily you shifted enough to get them off, not caring that you were just in your underwear and bra, not when his eyes hungrily grazed over you.

Your fingers found the clasp of his belt and button of his jeans, looking over his face, “You’re overdressed for the occasion.” You leaned forward into his ear, whispering softly. Without any hesitation, he shifted you off of him, standing to shove off his pants, the buckle hitting the floor with a clang.

No matter how many times you saw his body it alway, always made you want him more than you originally did. Though, watching the button up hit the floor was always a bit upsetting, you always loved them. Especially this one, red, birds all over it. He was wearing it the first time he fingered you so it always brought back memories to say the least.

As soon as he was sat back on the couch, the only thing covering him being his boxers, he reached his hand out again. Easily you crawled back onto his lap, lips crushed together the second you could.

Every movement together made him groan, his hands reaching around to finally unclasp the bra that covered your chest. As soon as it joined the other clothes on the floor, he slid his hands up your chest, cupping each breast in his hands.

Your back involuntarily arched towards him, his fingers tweaking your nipples as you did. A low groan bubbled in the back of your throat, bucking your hips down against him. “God Bri, you feel so good.” Each word was mumbled but he understood each of them, his mouth coming up to your ear.

He pressed a kiss right under it, still feeling you up, “Imagine how good I’d feel inside of you.” The words came out before he could even think them over, the pure lust and horniness front and foremost in his mind.

Neither of you were even sure what to say, you out of pure shock at his confidence and how much that turned you on and him out of slight embarrassment. Regardless it went away within seconds, you shifting onto your back and pulling him on top of you.

“Say that again.” You muttered, craning your head up to kiss his neck. He shook his head slightly, going to decline. “Brian, that was one of the hottest things I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. Say it again.”

That was enough to spark something inside of him, his fingers walking up the inside of your thigh, “Well in that case, I said, imagine how good I’d feel inside of you.” His index finger danced along the top of your underwear, agonizingly slow over the exact spot you actually wanted him, your eyes hooded as he looked over you.

Impatiently you tried to lift into him, his touch pulling away as you did. He kneeled back onto his knees, fingers racing up to loop over the band. As always, he hesitated, waiting for a sure nod and yes before doing anything. “Go ahead,” You spoke firmly with a nod, already lifting your hips up for him to remove the last layer of your clothing.

Brian pulled them off, his hands going right back to the upper most part of your thighs. Gently he nudged one of your legs around him, propped up under one of the pillows on the couch. “I ever tell you how beautiful you are?” He muttered, trailing a finger through your folds, collecting as much of your arousal as he could.

You nodded quickly, your hands balled into fists to try and keep yourself still for him. Not that he was much of a tease, not on days like this. He was always the type to give you just what you wanted, it was in his blood. He was a pleaser. And boy did he please.

So it was no surprise how quickly and easily he pressed his middle finger into you, curling it up like he had done this a million times. Your eyes glazed over his body, trickling down to where he moved his digit inside of you. “Fuck, Brian,” His name practically dripped the same way you were out of you.

He watched how you reacted to each movement, slipping his ring finger in as soon as your hips bucked up, unable to stay still anymore. Every pump made a disgusting squelch but he was hitting the exact spot, your hand coming up to grab onto his arm.

“Just- just like that,” You groaned out, nodding tightly. There was an attempt to keep your eyes on him. Really, but as soon as you started to clench around him and the outer edge of your vision went white, you scrunched your eyes closed.

Brian slowly slowed inside of you, making sure to ride you out of the high entirely before he leaned over you, making a show of licking over his fingers. “For someone so gorgeous, you taste just as good.” He spoke, leaning down to kiss you before you could even say anything back.

Granted no words were even coming to your mind, just overwhelmed with the pulsing in between your legs. That and the bulge that was still hidden away. You reached between the two of you, palming at him.

“I think these should come off.” You sighed out, him kissing your cheek, and then jaw before sitting back like he had before, this time discarding his boxers. Instantly you felt yourself clench around nothing, always a mess for him. “God, please fuck me.” You muttered, more so under your breath and to yourself but not unheard to the man above you.

“Trust me. I plan to,” He hummed, sliding his fingers through your mess, using the wetness to get himself ready, not that he wasn’t already completely swollen and dripping his own precum. You whined faintly, sensitive to the touch as you tried to push closer to him.

He leaned down, kissing your lower stomach before gently sliding inside of you. Your mouth gaped open as he did, your hand once again found his arm, wrapping around his forearm. Slowly he started to thrust into you, planting himself on either side of your head.

Your gaze would have stayed on his face if you weren’t distracted by the way his bicep tightened as he held himself up. And you were sure if you could see the way his back muscles looked right now, you’d be a complete and utter mess. Well, more so than you already were.

“This what you wanted from me all day?” Brian noted the way your eyes were locked on his arm. “For me to be on top of you like this?” His hips snapped up, the usually gentle man unable to help how turned on he was.

Having someone be so attracted to him that they were thinking about him at work? When they weren’t being all coupley at home? When he was just, being Otis? Just being Brian? It worked its way into his mind and each hit into you was enough proof you needed of that.

Your eyes went back up to his face, eyebrows pulled together as you nodded, “Yes, god, yes it was.” You moaned out, the way your mouth hung open the perfect chance for Brian to run his thumb over your bottom lip.

“How bad?” You didn’t answer right away, making him lean closer to you. “How badly did you want me to fuck you while we were at work?” He repeated, his palm pushed to the side of your face, holding you there.

The knot in your stomach was already tightening, everything about how he was acting simply sent you over. “So bad baby,” You whined, “So so bad.” A breath caught in your throat as you dug your nails into his skin.

Before you could give warning, your back lifted, electricity running throughout your entire body as you tightly clenched around him. “Bri-” His name didn’t even come out louder than a squeak as he kept his pace up, chasing his own release.

It wasn’t far behind yours, the man only stilling with a groan as he came, filling all of you up. Your eyes locked on one another, his thumb lightly gracing your cheek. Once you’d both pulled yourselves together he leaned down to grab his boxers, putting them underneath you before pulling out.

That was the only thing that kept your mess from getting onto the furniture but he leaned down, peppering soft kisses over your face, the hair above his lip making your nose scrunch up. He waited a couple moments before pressing a long and firm kiss to your lips. “You alright?” Brian made sure to question, taking your soft nod as a good enough answer.

Slowly he stood, grabbing onto your hands to help you up and into the bathroom. “Here, go to the bathroom, I’ll start a bath for you and go clean up okay?” His voice was soft, planting a gentle kiss to your forehead as you sat on the toilet.

Without another word he turned the water on to get warm before disappearing from the room, reappearing a couple minutes later with a new set of clothes for both of you nicely folded. “You want help getting in?” Brian offered, gingerly taking your hand to help you stand and step into the bathtub.

The two of you sat there for a bit, Brian washing your hair for you while leaving more and more kisses over your shoulders and the back of your neck. Once you were out, dry and clothed, the two of you moved to his bed, his arms wrapped around you.

Slightly you shifted to face him, placing your hand on the side of his face, “Can I tell you a secret?” You asked, a smile fighting to grow on your face. He nodded instantly, mumbling an ‘always’ under his breath. “I love you.”

A blush crossed his cheeks as he thought for a second. “Can I tell you a secret?” He countered, raising his eyebrows together. With a giggle you nodded, already knowing what was going to be said.

“I love you too.”

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Tags: @winchesterszvonecek

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wyngigi · 12 days ago

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ꕀ LUST FOR LIFE ꕀ 02

↳ sex money feelings die remastered .ᐟ cross posted on ao3

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“ they say only the good die young, that just ain't right 'cause we're having too much fun, too much fun tonight ”

↳ synopsis: a group of individuals find that their first taste of freedom in the world brings more obstacles than expected. some of them, find solace by drowning in liquor or in the backseat of somebody else’s car. a lot of them have got to get their shit together. a lot of them won't.

mdni » story contains nsfw content intended for 18+ audiences pairings » member specific, not listed for spoiler purposes ↳󠁪󠁪 ateez x female reader, ateez x ateez ↳ genre » coming of age ↳ word count » 3.5k ↳ general warnings » substance abuse & consumption, sexual content, morally grey characters, unreliable narrators, internalised homophobia, angst, basically every struggle young adolescence can go through

02⌇relationships, fuck buddies, heartbreaks

San has made a lot of bad decisions in his lifetime. For starters, back in the golden days of high school he decided to skip class and go on a bike ride with his friends. It was fun, until they decided to add alcohol into the mix, then it got stupidly fun. He ended up on the ground with his bike reduced to a pile of metal scraps with wheels. The addition of a nasty scar near his hairline wasn’t the most favourable either. His parents weren’t happy with that, nor when he hosted a house party the very next weekend that got more than just a little out of hand.

He’s glad most of the mistakes were correctable in some way. The bike definitely wasn’t salvageable, but he did eventually get a new one. Then, after the party, he had to give up a month’s allowance to mend the window he had broken after an intense game of beer pong. That month he also decided to take up a part-time job.

To put it plainly, San doesn’t make a lot of good decisions. Even after transitioning out of the angsty rebellious teen phase, trouble seems to just follow him. It’s okay with him though, he doesn’t just live with chaos, he thrives in it. Some things really do not change.

The building in front of him, previously only seen through images online stands almost confronting now. His clothes make him feel worse, like extremely out of place. They’re all wrinkled from being worn on the airplane and subway ride, and he feels the stares of people in their expensive evening wear as they walk by. It’s too late to back down now, so he reaches for his phone to inform the reason he’s here of his arrival. As he waits, San pays extra attention to his surroundings. Movies were right about one thing; New York, the city that never sleeps. He likes it, the honking cars in the distance and the occasional construction sounds are comforting in a strange way. Life at home felt too quiet, especially after you left.

He loves to be on the move, the thrill of exploring has always been dangerously enticing. San could have done that in lots of ways after high school, spontaneous road trip, booking a one-way ticket to anywhere he could think of. Temporary choices. He didn’t want that though, San wanted to live big. After more thought, transferring to a college that requires a plane ride to reach his hometown might’ve been living a little bigger than he anticipated.

He looks down at his phone, fumbling with the volume button in attempt to seem busy while he waits for a reply from his soon-to-be roommate. He hasn’t packed much, but his backpack has been weighing him down for twenty minutes after his subway commute. San checks his phone again, no reply.

There wasn’t much special about this college, education wise nothing he couldn’t have gained from any closer schools, but this one had something else. Someone else. San is well aware how moronic it is to chase after an ex (well, ex something) yet here he is, outside an apartment five miles from the campus you attend. His plan was always to move to a school further away. San’s decision to move to this school was only slightly influenced by the “vague” memory of your attendance here.

The rest of his belongings, haphazardly thrown into cardboard boxes are on the way soon, hopefully. The moving process is more complicated than San ought to have believed. He doesn’t have anything of too much value from home, except for his well-loved motorcycle. A more recent purchase, a gift to himself for finally deciding to make the big move.

A figure appears from the apartment building’s entrance and San hopes his prayers have been answered, for once. The man across from him squints his eyes curiously, recognition fills them instead after a few seconds and a grin spreads across his face.

“San, right?”

“I don’t get it; you know you could easily pay for this place yourself.” A second voice scoffs, chiming in, “Yeah, you just got the last roomie out. Why don’t you enjoy solo living for a while?” The two boys across from Mingi aren’t accusatory in tone, yet he feels it from their expression. It’s probably stupid from their view, understandably. It’s also kind of stupid from his, he’s just lonely. He can’t say that to them though. It’s hard to not sound like a wealthy prick whose upset his friends have jobs and other friends while he’s spending his days rotting away in some luxury penthouse in Brooklyn Heights.

“Dunno, save money I guess.” Wooyoung scoffs, “Complete bullshit, your parents pay for this place.” Mingi shrugs, “Saving them money, then.” Mingi watches as Wooyoung taps the boy next to him on the floor, holding his hand out. Yeosang squints up at him, elbow resting on his knee, lit joint in his hand sending smoke around in small swirls. “Puff, puff, pass fuckin’ hog.” Yeosang takes another drag, blowing a stream of smoke into the other’s face.

“Not even your stash, stop acting stingy.” Wooyoung rolls his eyes in response, bringing the stick up to his mouth as he leans back into the upholstered sofa. Mingi scowls, “Get another burn mark in this couch and I’m done with you forever.” Wooyoung hovers the lit end of the joint just above the leathered surface before the former knocks his hand away lightly. Wooyoung grins, passing Mingi the joint in surrender. He shuffles in his spot before bringing the stick to his lips between two fingers. Yeosang lays his back onto the cashmere carpet, stretching out his back.

Mingi likes the two boys. They are his friends, as much as friends who come to your place to smoke all your weed and use your fancy television can be. They keep him company, when they’re not studying or working, or at some shitty frat party. Mingi doesn’t really wish to join in on the trashy ragers they go to, it’s all cheap liquor that’ll leave him with a bad hangover. Sometimes he thinks he really does live up to the pretentious rich kid stereotype.

“So,” Yeosang continues, eyes still closed as he lies down, “Who is the new roomie?” Mingi clears his throat to respond, yet the other voice in the room interrupts. “Seriously though, who cares, I’m still grieving the last one. Missing him.”

“You’ve seen him a total of like, seven times.” Yeosang lifts his head up to give the youngest of the three a judgemental look, “Have you guys even spoken before?”

Mingi snorts, “They did, once. Hongjoong lost his key and Wooyoung let him in. He was too out of it to respond and ran to the bathroom to throw up.” The black-haired boy scowls, “Don’t care. He was hot. Fuck happened to him?”

Mingi shrugs, he doesn’t really know much about his old roommate either. He moved in because the guy was looking for some extra studio space. Some preppy art school kid. Not a lot to know, apart from the fact he drank a little too much. And barely spoke unless he was wasted out of his mind. He didn’t mind it though, just enjoyed having someone to share his place with. To be honest, the place just feels so hollow with just him in it. Last week he had packed his stuff up, handed his key to Mingi and on his way he went. Mingi didn’t have a lot of friends, dropping out of school early kind of kickstarts that. All of Mingi’s old friends were off in foreign countries, travelling and exploring with their parent’s money, and the two with him now were always closer to each other. Not that they’d exclude him, but they were each other’s best friends.

“Long story, you guys hungry?” The two boys nod. Yeosang props himself up, “New restaurant opened up like last week down the road.” Mingi nods, moving to get up before Wooyoung sucks in a breath. “Your treat though, yeah?” He sings, patting the boy on the chest. Mingi nods letting the two make their way out first as he reaches for his wallet on the coffee table. “What are friends for?” He mutters, shoving the wallet into his pocket.

Ever since Jongho was young, he knew he belonged on the field. Football wasn’t just about the winning, the congratulations or the glory of the trophies and medals, it was more than that. He couldn’t boil it down to one thing that made football so important to him. He loved the chill against his skin as he ran across the grass, ball in his grasp as the screaming and shouting all melted in a dull buzz. He loved when after every point he scored added up onto the scoreboard, celebratory ding ringing in his ears louder than any cheers from his team or the crowd.

The game had always been his calling, the practices just as much entertainment to him. Loved the drills, again and again. First one on the field and last to leave. He was unstoppable, sum it up to physical advantage, extra training, but what he knew was that it all began with his mentality. That this was the thing nobody could take from him. Unfortunately, life will always find a way to do exactly that.

His dad, who had fuelled his love for the game for a much younger Jongho many years ago was sick. Jongho knew he was ill; he also knew that the last thing his dad would want to see was him crying at his bedside. So, he chose to be strong. Or try to, as much as one can when you want to cry and hide until the hurt in one’s heart would cease. He went to practices with his team as much as he could, tackled, defended until his body gave up. Then, he would get up and do the same thing again the very next day.

He pretended as long as he could, that nothing in his life had changed. He’d come home from practice, ask his dad if he wanted to throw the ball around with him and when his dad would shake his head and respond with a simple “Too tired, tomorrow maybe.” Jongho would smile, close the door and return to his room. It was easier, to agree his dad was tired, not sick.

It was hard to ignore other things though, like in his house. The paintings his parents bought during their trip in Greece had been sold, his mom’s engagement ring pawned off, the small tv he kept in his bedroom given away in a garage sale for practically nothing. Jongho would be stupid if he didn’t notice they were having money troubles. So, he did something he really, really didn’t want to do.

Quitting his team was one of the first times Jongho had felt completely and utterly hopeless. But he also knew it was the right thing to do. Too much money spent on his equipment and uniforms, too much time taken away that he didn’t have. So, his afternoons routinely spent sweating, running and catching transformed into mind numbing endless shifts at his local convenience store, as well as studying harder than he ever had before.

During his final semester he joined his team again, played the final games of the season but, the universe is cruel sometimes, so damn cruel. Just under a year of being off the field had set him back too far, no amount of practice could’ve helped him. The other top players of the team had received sport scholarships from some of the top schools, and he was left behind. He’s glad to have at least paid enough attention in school to receive a scholarship, an academic one for science. Without it, college fees would’ve set him back far more.

His first year of college went by with a breeze, then the universe had made its round again. Jongho’s dad had passed away, peacefully, in his sleep on New Years. His nights spent buried in books, reviewing lectures and revising for exams had turned into endless bottles of whatever he could get his hands on until he’d pass out. Then, he would get up and do the same thing again the very next day. He doesn’t talk about his dad much for obvious reasons, but by the start of his second year he had entered lectures painfully wasted or stoned out of his mind instead.

Wooyoung’s spent his whole life thinking about love. Watching it first with his parents, as his mom would look up into his dad’s eyes, fixing his tie while he tucked her hair behind her ear before they’d leave for their weekly date night. They were the classic high school sweethearts. He didn’t know exactly what love would be in store for him yet, but he knew what his parents had was simple, plain, love.

As he got older, he watched it in elementary school. More juvenile versions of it, smiles across the playground and confessions scribbled onto paper. He also remembers his first crush. She was pretty, always waved to him in middle school before running off to her friends. Wooyoung would walk the longer route to his own classes to see her as she passed him, locking eyes before one of them (usually him) would feel his breath hitch and he’d walk a little faster. They even went to their school dance together, by that he means they held hands and stood next to each other at the punch table.

They never dated but she was also his first heartbreak in a sense, thanks to the new guy that showed up and swept her off her feet by their final year of middle school. Wooyoung hadn’t cared too much after like a week, they went off to different high schools and he’d forgotten all about her. He certainly doesn’t remember much of her now, but he does remember the feeling of loving someone for the first time. Whatever illusioned version of love a person can have in their teenage years.

By the time high school ended, he’d enjoyed his fair share of relationships, fuck buddies, heartbreaks and whatever else there was in between. Unfortunately, that meant the rose-coloured lenses of his adolescence had been removed, and love had gradually become more of a whimsical fantasy than something he’d truly ever achieve. Life just got in the way most of the time, made relationships way too complicated. Therefore, in the meantime, while he waited for the special someone to come along he chose to embrace college life to the absolute fullest. Which translates to get wasted every weekend and wake up with a stranger in your bed.

“Any of you planning to get some tonight? Because I know I am,” Wooyoung winks. Mingi scoffs, picking up a slice of pizza, “Didn’t I tell you I’m not going? Those parties you and Yeosang go to are always so,” he pauses, holding his hands up to find an eloquent expression, “fucked up.” Yeosang pleads, “You can’t be lame tonight too, dude.” Placing his cup down he continues, “Wooyoung’s gonna ditch me before he’s even gotten a drink in him. Just come with.” Mingi shakes his head, “Isn’t your roommate going? Just stay with him,” he offers with a shrug.

Yeosang exhales, arms dropping to his sides, “Yes, exactly- I don’t want to be drunk around him. I swear Yunho’s straight as shit and I’m gonna try make out with him or something. You need to be there to stop me, deadass.” Mingi purses his lips, “I don’t know, new roommate’s bringing all his shit tonight and I said I was gonna help him unpack.” Wooyoung swallows his bite quickly, tilting his chin towards Mingi, “Didn’t he transfer to Columbia? He would’ve seen the flyers, I’m sure he’d be going already.”

Mingi sighs in defeat, nodding, “I’m gonna head back now. I’ll ask once I get there, text me the details yeah?” The boys break out into grins, elbowing each other in celebration. “Yeah, I got you. See you man.” Yeosang hits Mingi on the arm shooting him a small smile, while Wooyoung bids him goodbye with a tap to his behind, the two watch him leave the store before continuing to finish their food. Unfortunately for the tallest of the three, Mingi hadn’t told them how cute his new roommate was, and just how nervous he’d been around him since the first time they met.

Mingi takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to pray he doesn’t embarrass himself. He shuts the door behind him before making his way to the living room. Stacks of cardboard boxes greet him, splayed out on the ground. Mingi spots books and stacks of clothing folded messily in some of the opened boxes. He furrows his brows looking around for the boy.

After toeing off his shoes, he places his keys on the counter before calling out, “Hey, San?” Shuffling is heard in the distance before Mingi turns around and finds who he’s looking for. Unfortunately for him, (fortunate for his eyes) the boy is far less clothed than he had anticipated. Holy shit. This new roommate of his is really fucking jacked. And worse, even hotter without a shirt.

“Hey! I’ll get the boxes cleared soon,” San pauses, eyes widening as he notices how Mingi is frozen in place, “Sorry um, moving just got kind of uh, hot.” He presses his lips into a thin line before gesturing towards his very half-naked body. Mingi shakes his head quickly, “No dude it’s fine, is the AC not working or, something?” Mingi realises how much he needs to peel his eyes away, so he does. Extremely unwillingly. His hands tremble as he shrugs his jacket off. Mingi turns away from man opposite him whose still very much not clothed to busy himself with a desperately needed glass of water.

San scratches the back of his neck, looking down, “I don’t really, know how to use it? Embarrassing I know, but I just have some shitty remote. Not the whole touch screen thing, not that it’s bad at all! This whole place is really great, your bedroom is really nice by the way. Not in that way! I just walked in accidentally, this place has a lot of rooms. My bedroom is really great too. Oh my god, I need to shut up. I’m sorry.”

A small chuckle escapes before Mingi can suppress it, “I’ll show you how to use it later. Have you um, unpacked enough of your clothes yet? My friends were asking if you wanted to come with us to that Columbia party tonight.” San grins in return, nodding enthusiastically, “Yeah!” he clears his throat, “Yeah, for sure. No that’s cool with me, I was planning on going already.”

“Okay, yeah. Cool. I’m gonna get changed then we can meet them there.” Mingi empties the last bit of water from his glass, watching as San rubs his now sweaty hands on the sides of his pants. He spins on his heels, returning back to boxes he was previously sorting through. Mingi mutters a quick “see you in a bit” before rushing past the other, off to his bedroom. He pushes his door shut quickly, pulling out his phone as he slides against the wall down to the floor.

mingi: fuck me yeosang: thank u god i knew this day wld come

mingi: wtf dude no

new roomie is hot as fuck yeosang: thought you finally loved me back

kidding spill

so what does he have that i dont Mingi rolls his eyes, poking his tongue to the inside of his cheek before typing frantically back.

mingi: can u shut up

i alr thought he was cute n then he walked in half naked and i Don’t Know What To Do yeosang: is he coming party tn ?

mingi: yes . i want to jump his bones

yeosang: cant wait to see that

mingi: ok voyeur kink is not needed rn

yeosang: sorry i thought this was a Safe Space

mingi: how do i live with him now

i cant be normal around hot ppl

yeosang: idk man u kno i don’t fuck the roomies for a reason

need me to keep u on lock tn ? js keep me from yunho i beg

mingi: i think ill b ok

Can i fuck yunho instead

yeosang: not funny

mingi: sorry x

wooyoung: god when is my hot roomie coming along ..

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kiame-sama · 2 years ago

Note

hi :D i'm a new follower, I just finished reading your story of twin eclipses- (Yandere! Illumi x reader) and i'm left with the intrigue to know more 😢

Could it be that you can do part 2 or mini series of this? The plot is very interesting and leaves you wondering what will happen next.

Only if you want :), GREETINGS FROM ARGENTINA!!🇦🇷

Twin Eclipses- (Yandere!Illumi x Reader) pt. 2

Warnings; yandere, mention of abuse, coercion, threats, mention of being threatened, unfair situations, female bodied reader, mention of past noncon, mention of birthing troubles, going MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE stalker/creep here, item theft, irrational behavior, irrational thinking, obsessive behavior, obsessive thinking, extreme invasion of privacy, breeding kink,

A blazing sun sat in the middle of the sky, burning rays only slightly broken up by the occasional cloud. The only solace from the intense heat was the dappled shade cast beneath the tree canopy. Most animals were laying low during the height of the day's warmth, spare for two small figures that walked up the dusty road. They had been told of the family that lived upon the looming mountain and they were told to avoid it at all costs, but the cost now was just too great for the pair.

The looming gates of the estate stood before them, a small sentry checkpoint waiting not far from the large doors. Even so, the pair knew well enough to not approach as speaking to the attendant would only waste time. Time was not something they had in generous supply, so they were left with the only option they had; a phone. This phone belonged to the very person the pair aimed to save, the most recently dialed number displayed on the screen.

When they pressed the call button, the other line immediately answered and hung up, leaving the two to glance at one another in confusion. Their confusion didn't last long as the giant gate began to move and slowly creak open from some powerful force. The pair watched in awe and surprise as the huge gates swung open and revealed the group of adults on the other side. Four adults walked forwards to meet the pair, all of them familiar from when they last visited the pair at their home not long ago. Despite the intimidated feeling the pair got from the adult group, they knew that these adults were the only chance they had.

"Okay, we're here. All we have to do is call, right?"

"Right."

"I see the two of you have arrived, as agreed. It surprises me to see your mother isn't with you."

The first of the group- the eldest and shortest- spoke with a calm tone, clearly not giving anything away even to the frightened pair. Though the two were young and much smaller than the adults in the group, they were no less determined to get what they needed.

There was a slight waver to the young voice, the pair were only children barely out of their toddler years, after all. They had not known the world outside of the village they lived in with their mother and though the distance to the mountain was relatively short, it was the furthest they've been from home. Certainly farther than their mother had ever taken them, especially on foot. The boys were desperate though, and they saw no other solution to the problem that threatened their peaceful existence.

"She... She's why we came."

"Oh? Did she tell you to?"

"No... Mama..." The boys glanced at one another, "Mama's sick. She hasn't woken up in days and the elders say there are only a few places that have the things she needs to get better. They said that you all have the medicine and machines she needs to get better and she'll die without them..."

"Mama said we shouldn't talk to any of you, or ever go near the mountain. She said that you all are our family, but want us to do what you want and not let us choose what we want. But... We don't want to lose mama... So, we will do what you want, just save mama first."

It was a surprise to the group to hear the mature thought process of the two children in front of them. The pair had sought them out to save their mother, which took planning most children twice their age wouldn't be able to do without help. If ever there were a sign that the two were of the lineage their pedigree suggested, it would be their adult approach to the problem they had.

"So, you two sought us out in the hopes that you could use yourselves as bargaining chips to save your mother's life, right?"

There was a small beat of silence as the adults looked at one another, passing along silent meaning to their glances. It had been their intent all along to find some way to convince the wayward mother to allow her sons to be trained in the way of the assassins, but that didn't mean the group was thrilled to hear of her declining health. The group intended to assist regardless as they owed more than they cared to admit to the woman that birthed the pair of boys, however that didn't mean they would pass up the opportunity presented to them.

~~~~~~~~

"Very well, we will send for her and have her treatment begin here immediately. For now, though, introductions are in order. Your mother was not very forthcoming with information, especially information regarding the two of you. So, what are your names?"

"... Gesshoku and Nisshoku Zoldyck."

The slow and steady beep of machines brought you into awareness, feeling your dry throat crackle as you breathed. Each inhalation feeling forced and annoying as oxygen poured into the mask on your face. Your thoughts came slowly and sluggishly as if dampened by some chemical or drug fed into your system. It was difficult to even keep your eyes open as you tried to think about where you were and even who you were. Everything was jumbled in your brain and the ever present temptation to keep sleeping sat stubbornly in your mind.

"(Y/n)?"

A familiar voice managed to reach through the confusion and drag you back to the surface of clarity. Your attention snapped over to the source of the voice and you were vaguely lost as to why your father sat next to you. More so than just your father being present, you wanted to know where you were and where your sons were. If your father was with you in this mysterious place, where could your boys possibly be?

Your voice was harsh even to your own ears as if you had not spoken in a very long amount of time. The fact that your mouth felt so dry didn't help either as it only served to make your voice scratchier. It didn't really matter what your voice sounded like, though. What mattered to you was making sure your sons were alright and as far from their father as possible.

"(Y/n), I'm sure this is confusing for you-"

"Where are they?"

"..."

"Where are my sons?"

You left little room for argument and it was clear your father understood you would not be resting or wasting any time on questions until you could ensure your sons were safe. Gotoh silently thanked the fact that Illumi was out on a job and was not likely to return any time soon. At least the absence of the eldest Zoldyck son would give you some time to adjust to the new reality you found yourself living.

"They're with Master Silva-"

"Take me to them."

"(Y/n), you just awoke after spending two weeks unconscious. You should rest-"

"Take me to my sons. Now."

When your sons arrived at the proverbial doorstep of the Zoldyck estate, Gotoh was stunned to find out you were in poor health. The fact that the boys had traveled alone to meet their family and ask for their help told him just how unwell you were. Last time Gotoh saw you, you stood strong despite the way the world had worn you down and you were ready to fight the very people you served so you could protect your sons. He certainly was not prepared to see what had become of you thanks to your sudden illness.

Arriving at your home in the small village burned a permanent etching into Gotoh's mind. You looked so frail and sickly, bed bound and unable to respond to the world around you as your body fought as hard as it could to keep you alive. He had only just learned you were still alive and already had to face the potential reality of losing you again. In some ways, helping you during your illness soothed the ragged ache in your father's heart as he lamented the fact that he had been unable to protect you when you needed him most. Constant wondering of how he had ignored the signs of your mistreatment plagued him, filling his head and heart with shame at not seeing sooner.

Learning the real reason you had run from the family and from him weighed heavily on his mind. If he had just noticed sooner, or kept a better eye on you, perhaps Illumi wouldn't have gotten away with his sick affection towards you for as long as he did. Even now it was hard to think of the stoic eldest Zoldyck son doing anything so perverse and twisted towards you- someone he grew up with- but the evidence you had gathered was supposedly very damning. Either out of respect for you or for Gotoh himself, the Zoldycks did not share the compiled videos with him. Not that he wanted to see the things Illumi had done to you or hear you cry for help only to be ignored. The reality of what had been done to you was a heavy one and one that Gotoh struggled to come to terms with.

"Alright. I brought your clothes so you can change into something and then we can go see them."

The things they found... Were truly enlightening to just how depraved the eldest had become.

You wordlessly snatched up the clothing that he bought for you, pulling yourself out of bed and behind the curtains to change your clothes. The confident strides you had once walked with were now broken and eternally limping, a constant reminder that Illumi had tried everything to keep you with him permanently.

After he and the three Zoldycks left your home that first time, they did digging into Illumi and what exactly he was capable of doing and threatened to do to you. Milluki- the second eldest son- kept extensive back-logs of any kind of security feed footage and even had cameras previously unknown of around the estate.

It began with video of Illumi stalking you well before the abuse began. He would follow you throughout the estate and ensure any schedule you were on passed by his room at least once, if not multiple times throughout the day. There were countless evenings where he would silently enter your room while you slept and did who knows what with your unconscious body. Beyond the stalking he began to steal things that belonged to you, squirreling them away in his room.

Approximately when he began his perverse abuse, his behavior around you erratically shifted. He would openly corner you in halls, dragging you- sometimes literally- to the nearest closet or even his room. Neither of you would leave for hours on end and usually he was the one who emerged first, looking no worse for wear. Several minutes after he leaves, you would emerge, clothing torn in places revealing dark marks adorning your soft body. Sometimes you would walk out, other times you would practically crawl out of those rooms, disheveled and limping with clear distress on your face. It didn't take a genius- or sound from the video feed- to know what Illumi was doing to you. If anyone saw or heard you, they would quickly retreat the other way and speak not a word of it to anyone.

None of this was news to the Zoldycks, or to Gotoh. You had gathered enough evidence and said as much to make the suffering you felt clear. What really took them by surprise was what they found when they went poking around Illumi's room.

There was a secondary room that was hidden away from the common eye, looking like just another panel in his wall. Behind that panel lay the true depth of the depravity Illumi had been consumed by. What was akin to a room of worship or even some kind of elaborate shrine lay within. Things he had taken from you on display like trophies; from underwear, to locks of hair, even to a fridge full of marked vials of your blood, saliva, and vaginal lubricant. Aligned along one wall were countless pregnancy tests- all negative- and a clear empty spot marked and reserved for a positive test. Pictures of you papered the walls, some candid shots taken from a distance, some of you asleep in bed, others where you were clearly posed, bound, and gagged.

Several notebooks filled with dates and observations taken on you were in the far corner of the room. The earlier contents dated back to years before Illumi acted on his dark desires. Countless pages filled with line after line of his growing obsession filled every book, certain things highlighted and marked to be remembered. Some of the passages detailed exactly what he wished to do to you and how he imagined you would sound as he did them. One book was exclusively notes on how you reacted to certain sexual situations he put you through; what you responded to best, and what made you scream the loudest.

Calendars were marked with your monthly cycle, peak ovulation days specifically labeled 'breeding days'. Each week had a date marked for when he planned for you to take a pregnancy test.

He clearly had a place for his more 'prized' items in the center of the room. Upon a pedestal sat a torn uniform in your size. It was neatly folded and stacked together, a pair of bloodied underwear sitting on top with the label 'our first' placed along side it. There was little doubt that this uniform was what you were wearing when the sexual abuse began.

The most disturbing- by far- was the unnaturally life-like doll that looked near identical to you. It had clearly been 'used' many times and looked like you as if you were simply sleeping. This doll had your exact measurements, from bust size to hips, and wore clothing that they recognized as yours. The fake you was blindfolded and cuffed to a raised metal bar, hanging by the wrists. There were obvious features intended to be used for sexual gratification, from the openable mouth with a moveable tongue, to the two holes that were made to be stuffed. The most recent entry in the notebooks were Illumi lamenting the fact that the doll simply was not you and didn't feel the same, though it felt real enough for him to use consistently when he was not on a job.

Gotoh was disgusted and would never tell you what he and the three Zoldyck men had discovered in Illumi's room. All the secret room did was make Illumi's insatiable and insane obsession with you clear. They truly did not know how to keep Illumi from you when he learns you are at the Zoldyck estate and within his reach once more. There was little wonder now as to why Illumi had mangled your ankle, as he clearly was willing to do whatever it took to keep you in his grasp.

As you returned in the clothing Gotoh had given you, he stood up and silently led you through the twisting halls and corridors. Any fellow workers the two of you passed reacted to you the way they would react to a member of the family passing by; bowing their heads and moving to the far sides of the hall to let you pass. Where it was surreal to have others treat you with the same respect as they did the family, you knew it was likely because of your sons. You two came to a large door you were familiar with as it was the door to Silva's 'office' and you began to worry what you would find inside.

Gotoh knocked and the deep voice of the head of the family called out for you two to enter. As the door swung open and you stepped inside, two small figures practically flew into your arms. Your two sons clung to you and held tightly to wherever they could as they enthusiastically greeted you. Both boys were practically on the verge of tears as they rejoiced your return, talking over each other.

You couldn't keep up with the overlapping conversations and simply returned the hug in kind to the two boys who quickly went quiet, just enjoying your loving behavior. It was clear the boys had missed you to an extreme and they wanted to share everything they had learned while you were bed-ridden from your illness. Silva had a single brow raised at the boys, no doubt having only known them to be relatively quiet and withdrawn. Compared to how they interacted with you, it was more than obvious that the two favored you in every way. Your boys were clearly mama's boys and they had no issue letting everyone know that.

"We knew we had to help-!"

"Even though you said not to-"

"They really helped-"

"I've learned how to stab people-!"

"Did you know a human body dies without-?"

"But then we were really good at-"

"Grandpa has killed so many-"

"And Great-Grandpa hasn't killed anyone he wasn't hired to-"

"But Great^(3)Grandpa is super strong and-"

"When did you teach your boys how to use Nen?"

You glanced up at Silva, who was observing the exchange between you and your boys with a calm yet watchful gaze. It hadn't ever occurred to you to tell anyone the boys could use nen because you didn't want them around their family anyway given the emphasis on being assassins.

It was then the eldest of your boys, Gesshoku, seemed to perk up. Despite the young ages of your twin boys, they were unusually aware of what adults said and the things adults murmured when nearby.

"I didn't."

"I can see they have use of their nen, there is no point in trying to cover it up."

"I'm not covering anything up. I never taught them to use nen. From the moment they were born they have had access to their nen. Perhaps it was the respective eclipses that took place during their birth that caused it, I don't really know, but I never taught them how to use it."

This came as surprise to you, not only for the fact that Illumi had belittled you at every turn and called you replaceable, but for the fact that Silva seemed to think he was obsessed. You looked up at the white-haired assassin curiously, wondering what your boys were going on about. Truthfully, you would rather your sons never meet their father, but that decision was not up to you to make. It was a choice only they could make regarding their father and they seemed uniquely interested in meeting the man.

"Mama! Grandpa said our father isn't here right now, but might come back in a few days. You said he was not nice to you, so we asked Grandpa why Father wasn't nice to you and Grandpa said that Father is assessed with you-!"

"Obsessed."

"Right, like I said, assessed."

You felt a shiver of dread run down your spine upon hearing just how twisted and unhinged Illumi had become. It was surprising to know the assassin had such intense feelings for you, but it did not soothe you in the slightest. If anything, you wanted to grab your boys and run before Illumi ever caught wind of you being back, but it was likely too late for that.

"What are they talking about?"

"Gotoh did not tell you, I see."

"Tell me what?"

"We did more investigation into Illumi after our first conversation at your home. He has been keeping a kind of shrine to you in his room. He has many things of yours in this room, as well as written documentation about his thoughts on you. I believe he tried to make you believe he didn't care for you as a coping mechanism for himself, as he has been obsessed with you since the two of you were children. There are... revealing... photos of you and a life-sized doll he made of you. I am sure you can guess as to what he uses it for."

"I will be honest with you, (y/n). We don't know how to keep Illumi from pursuing you once he learns you are here. Anything short of you being by an elder Zoldyck's side 24/7 would be unable to deter him. I have no right to ask you to remain here, but the boys must remain. I would think you would stay with your sons, but I must warn you that the price to remain here with them will be Illumi having access to you once more."

The truth weigh heavily on you as you had suspected as much. Illumi was a skilled assassin and had been trained to be able to bypass any and all security in his way to get to his target. Simply thinking of Illumi being near you made your heart flutter and panic. You could leave before he found out about you, but that meant you would have to leave your sons, both of whom were still clinging to you and affectionately snuggling into you. There was simply no way you would abandon your boys, so a heavy resignation thudded like a hollow drum in your chest. If you stayed, Illumi would get to you regardless of any attempts to stop him.

You knew Silva was right and you would have to start thinking about these conditions. It was clear you would need the rest of the family backing you if you were to make any kind of rules to limit his behavior. Beyond that, you worried if he would try to hold your sons' lives in jeopardy for your obedience, but he can't get to them now that the family is protecting them.

"I don't really have a choice, do I? I won't leave my boys. I can't. ... I will have to let it happen, because it will regardless of if I fight or not."

"Perhaps you can make conditions to his access to you? If he is given the choice to follow them or lose you, perhaps he will take them seriously."

There were so many things to consider that you almost missed the sound of the door opening following a single knock. Turning to face the newcomer, your heart seized when you saw a pair of familiar looking doll eyes set in white alabaster skin. Clearly he had not expected to see you standing there when he opened the door and his excitement crackled like static around him. His eyes trailed from you to the two white-haired children that clung to your legs, narrowing slightly as he considered what he was seeing. When his gaze returned to you, there was a kind of recognition in them that was quickly replaced with hunger the longer he stared at you.

"..."

#kiame-sama #yandere #x reader #yandere x reader #reader insert #tw yandere #hxh yandere #yandere male #male yandere #yandere illumi #yandere illumi zoldyck #twin eclipses #tw past noncon #tw obsessive behavior #tw stalking #tw manipulation #tw creepy

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spicymotte · 5 months ago

Text

How fandom culture killed my creativity

hi. I have some thoughts about my time in a huge fandom and how it changed me:

First of all, I would like to say that these are my personal experiences in a large anime fandom. I have made very good friends with whom I am still in contact today - and I was exposed to a kind of brain rot that has changed the way I deal with art forever. However, this does not apply to every fandom/every person.

this - essay? - is way longer than I thought it would be. More under the cut:

In 2020, after a long break, I was able to get excited about One Piece again. Until then, I had always considered art important to me and I had never been able to do it professionally. (maybe someday...!)

The One Piece fandom is huge. There are now over 1000 manga chapters and anime episodes, which is gigantic; and the fandom itself is just as huge: millions of fans love this manga/anime and exchange ideas about it on the internet. I was previously very limited to tumblr, but then I ventured into OPtwt, the One Piece community on Twitter. There is a lot of fan art, fan fiction and small cliques that like the same character. There is something for everyone. It was great! I had a hyperfixation phase on OP before, in 2017. Now it came back - so violently that I realized very quickly that I could hardly think of anything else but One Piece.

Hyperfixations involve two major factors: an intense obsession with a character (or theme/media/whatever), which often brings with it a bottomless well of inspiration and motivation for artists – and a strange influence on brain chemistry. Neurodivergent people are prone to difficulties with the release of happiness and rewarding hormones anyway, and even though I am in no way qualified to make grand statements, as a person living with AuDHD, hyperfixations are both a blessing and a curse.

Often, the neurodivergent niches in the fandom communities are very lively. On extremely interactive social media like Twitter, TikTok and Instagram, you are flooded with posts of fan art, discussions and also escalation. It quickly becomes stressful for the brain to keep up with it - especially if you manage to accumulate a large number of followers. (also a blessing and a curse!)

I started posting fanart and OC x canon in 2020. I spent most of the last three years on Twitter and I have to say that it set me back in some ways. At first, I was slow to get to know people through fanart, but then I got to know people very quickly: fellow artists that I am still good friends with today and, unfortunately, people who have also succumbed to an incredible, destructive brainrot. I had chosen a character (or rather, my brain did) who plays almost no role in One Piece. All the better, so I pretty much had him to myself and I could do whatever I wanted. The OC x canon community is generally very friendly and respectful, so I found quite a few people who liked what I drew. Cool!

And then it started. With fanart and a small fan club for my OCs, I got more followers and more likes. More retweets and comments, more notifications. The algorithm started to like me and the growth increased steadily. My fandom (OP) account grew, as did my reach.

I checked Twitter more and more. Every free second I took my smartphone in my hand and checked my notifications. I reloaded the page until I had a new notification. I repeated this on Instagram and tumblr. Sometimes I catch myself doing it today, even though I haven't been active in this fandom for over a year!

Likes were good, retweets better. Every notification of an interaction with my art was a push on the feel-good button in my brain. It's very addictive, even if I talked myself out of it at first. The pandemic was at its peak and the internet was the only way to meet friends anyway. All this shit was fast food for my brain.

Then I started drawing fanarts, even though I didn't feel like it. But the likes had to come from somewhere, didn't they? I drew favorites from manga, characters that I didn't even like that much myself. But they were popular, so that promised likes and reach! Every single day, really every day, I drew fanarts. I was disappointed with myself if I didn't.

As of today, my two One Piece art folders have 80GB of data in it! what the fuck!! That's not normal!

I learned a lot during that time and was able to develop my art. I was able to participate in projects, to draw for several zines and also had a lot of fun – but I treated it like a job. Making fan art your job is very difficult – and has a lot of consequences. If you run a merch shop (as I did for a short time), you always have to follow the hype and draw what's in style. You switch fandoms because the hype has just burned out and the next new thing is already in style. If you're one of the first to offer keychains and stickers - or plushies - you make the big money. That brings profit, but in my opinion you can very quickly step on the wrong foot in this jumping around and slip into burnout. (Or stagnate to such an extent that you lose all motivation to refine your artistic skills and become better at your craft.)

I see friends of mine, many of them, who are trying to live off of fandom merch. They all have one thing in common: their skills in art have remained absolutely the same over the past few years or have even declined. If you have to churn out a new batch of merchandise every week, you have to cut corners. There is no time for experiments and crazy studies when you can hardly live and have to produce merch/fan art that sells 100% well.

I don't mean to offend anyone - it's just that I've been thinking a lot about my own setbacks as an artist since I've been dealing with them so intimately. And I've definitely made some setbacks!

In 2021-2023, fandom life continued and got worse and worse. Checking my smartphone, drawing something every day to post it - just so that the algorithm doesn't sort me out. Posting daily is the number one rule on all Social Media, unfortunately. But I did it, no matter how burned out I felt.

And then there were the dramas on Twitter: internet puritans, antis and proshippers were screaming at each other and tearing each other to shreds (a trap I almost fell into myself! anti and pro are the biggest bullshit ever and I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I can say: I don't give a shit lol). Callout posts, vague tweeting and aggression instead of simply blocking and moving on. Harassment that I myself experienced: I blocked a few people because I found them strange and unpleasant. They posted explicit things that I did not want to see on my timeline. This triggered a wave of harassment that was simply disgusting. These are people who hate their own lives so much that they can't do anything but feel miserable and stalk strangers online. Admittedly, this made me paranoid: a group of people had chosen me as a target. They passed around screenshots of many of my tweets and made fun of me, copying and stealing my art 1:1. They lied and cheated to make me look like an asshole – and this went on for years. It made me paranoid and was the first step away from fandoms, as it escalated more and more.

So, I was successfully bullied out of the fandom and my hyperfixation was over. It left a terrible void that I am still trying to fill today. Neurodivergence sucks, I'll tell you.

That's when I honestly asked myself for the first time: What the fuck am I doing here? When did I become a content machine for strangers on the internet? Why the hell do I feel so bad when I don't draw for a day? And why do I care what strangers think about me?!

Then I realized that I can't draw anymore.

Without references or the 3D models from Clip Studio Paint, I'm lost. When I try to draw something without any help, I sit in front of an empty canvas. My hands don't do what they're supposed to do and my brain blocks the thought of how drawing even works. My eyes only see the mistakes I make. Everything I draw looks bad to me.

I realized I have a problem.

So I try again and learn it all again from scratch: Anatomy, perspective, color theory, everything. But every time I sit down and try to put something on paper, there's nothing there. I've been drawing things every day for the last four years. Now my hyperfixation on this character and this manga is over and there's nothing left. I've been burning the candle at both ends and I've broken something in the process. Art is no longer something I enjoy. I need art to live and breathe, no doubt, but… the barrel now has a bottom again and it's empty to the last drop.

The little motivation I can muster goes into my webcomic, which is my everything. It's just mine, not a fandom. I feel honored that so many people read this comic. At the same time, I'm afraid that it's not enough; in my eyes, my art doesn't look good. Being surrounded by perfect illustrations on social media all day long distorts one's own perception of art, like the beauty industry that gives you body dysmorphia. On top of that, I haven't had any financial success with my comics in recent years, none at all. The dream of being an independent comic artist has receded so far into the distance that I can no longer see it. Bummer.

The constant stream of content that I gave during my fandom days has set me back incredibly. I can no longer enjoy the process of art, but my brain constantly pushes me to finish it, to have a finished product - because then I can post the drawing and get the virtual handshake that my weird brain likes so much.

Social media detox, of course, is the first thing that comes to mind. It's actually bullshit that we're all so addicted to these apps, but here we are. It's uncomfortable for me to admit, but I have hardly any friends in real life. I'm very introverted and many people find my autism very unpleasant (I can't blame them, I often come across as rude), so I only have 1-2 friends. I would like to have more friends, but maintaining social contact is terribly exhausting. It's hard enough to reply to my mutuals in the DMs (sorryyyyy if I forget sometimes………).

And what if I just take a break for a while and don't draw so much? Recharge my batteries? Right now I'm taking a 6-week break, partly because my jaw surgery is coming up soon. I'll be sick anyway, so why not put the webcomic on hiatus and take a break for a while? I don't know if it will work out, but I have a hunch that it won't, because I always have the fast-paced internet in the back of my mind. How can I be a freelancer if I don't do fanart? How can I make money with it to help my partner, who is currently financing our lives, financially? How can I, as a disabled person, find a job that I can do and at the same time build my career as an artist? As an independent comic artist, I have to do the job of so many people (artist, author, manager, taxes, work organization), how am I supposed to do that?

I have no answers to these questions. Original works don't go nearly as well as fanart! So you have to work ten times as hard and play by the vague rules of the algorithms, which is exhausting enough. Nowadays, you can only be lucky and ride the viral wave if it falls into your lap.

But reflecting on my time in a huge fandom has made me realize that I was going down a very wrong path and am now experiencing the consequences. I'm completely burnt out and no longer know why I'm even making art anymore. I don't know if I want to make art much longer. (I think shit-life-syndrome plays a big role here, but not exclusively.)

As I said, I don't have any answers - but I would at least like to warn those who are having difficulties with distancing themselves from the internet and are quickly losing themselves in this maelstrom of social media.

I have since deleted Twitter from my smartphone and, fortunately, have hardly ever used TikTok (dodged a bullet there!). I try to get back into traditional art and get away from my computer. I am all the more grateful to the people, my community, so to speak, who do nonsense with me on tumblr. They read my comics and are extremely nice to me, which I really appreciate. Thank you!

I don't know yet if and how it will continue, but I would like to finish Berserkir in the next few years. I'd love to find a way to finish all the short comics I want to make, even though it's just me and not a whole team. Maybe I'll find a way, maybe I don't. Anyways, thanks for sticking around!

#long post #really long.#but uh! yeah! this is just my experience with fandoms and social media as an artist. thanks for reading!#writing this made me very sad about what I have lost BUT I am so glad I wrote this. off my chest and so on #+

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aotopmha · 6 months ago

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At lvl 87 Endwalker quests.

The Venat duty absolutely destroyed me.

I was planning to get Elpis done this weekend, but I struggled almost an hour and an half (maybe even twoish hours, didn't precisely track it) on this duty until I, for probably first time while playing this game, turned down the difficulty of a solo duty, and I'm pretty exhausted, so the rest of Elpis is left for another day.

It's a fantastic encounter because it sells you just how powerful Venat truly is really well, but it's another bit of gameplay proof to me that the difficult content of the game probably isn't something that is for me (and makes me incredibly grateful for the lower difficulty options for solo duties).

(At the very least I know progging some of the Savage content and especially Ultimates would probably drive me up the wall.

Extremes, I do want to give a try because they generally seem less time-intensive and lenient. I won't *completely* exclude tougher stuff, but at the very least I know that kind of content would get unfun fairly quick for me because of what it is by nature.)

It's the orbs that got me with every class I tried; just couldn't get enough of them in time, but as said, I'm pretty grateful for the 'easy' button.

With this out of the way, I think there is actually a good amount to say about all of the lvl 86 and 87 content up to the solo duty.

It can be actually summed up pretty easily: it's all just a lot of characterization, but it is characterization for a bunch of different characters and essentially an entire culture. More than any other zone, I think it is the motivations and perspectives of the characters that matter the most.

You've got the friendship between Emet and Hythlodeus, the father-daughter relationship between Hermes and Meteion and as I see it a student-mentor (maybe?) relationship between the WoL and Venat.

Between these are less focused dynamics like Venat teasing Emet or the cute budding friendship between the WoL and Meteion.

Then we have the individual characterization for all of them, too.

But before I fully go into them, there is a pretty big general thought I have about Elpis:

It is fanservice.

It is such unquestionably, blatantly, unflinchingly obvious fanservice that it should bother me so much more than it does.

For crying out loud, the entire portion of the story starts with Emet filling you with his aether. They're fully indulging the Emet simps.

But it is also substantial and thoughtful every step of the way, and I think really well told, so I really like it.

So, I'll get into exploring all of the characters in their basics. You could probably an entire massive post about every single one of them, but I just want to go into them in the most concise, simple way for now.

I'll start with Emet-Selch. I think my favorite part about Emet in Elpis is how he reacts when he learns about his actions in the future.

He cannot comprehend how he could be so disrespectful towards the sacrifice of his brethren, while all across the questing during the zone, his actions especially show just how much he cares about the well-being of the Star and his brethren, and that is the exact reason why he ends up doing what he does.

The reason why everything happens is because of who he is as a character. It is fantastic character-based plot writing, which is kind of a trend across all of Elpis (and happens to be probably my favorite type of writing, I love it when things happen because of who the characters are).

It is delicious Greek tragedy fodder.

Next, I've talked a bunch about how I no longer think character arcs are the be all and end all of good character writing and I think Hythlodeus is probably the best example in FF14.

He is just a super fun and likeable good (tease-y) friend. And he doesn't need to be more as a character.

(And everyone loves him!)

Obviously he has much less time on screen than everyone else, and he would probably get old after a while if we had him for a bunch of expansions, but I think he is proof that all you need for a great character is a likeable base personality.

His teasing dynamic with Emet is super fun and his presence only emphasizes why what Emet does and believes in the future makes sense.

Next are Hermes and Meteion.

The more I think on it, the more I feel like they're the thematic core of the story. And both are also carrying another type of narrative I love: stories about feelings.

Technically you can argue all stories are to some extent about feelings because stories are kind of there to make you feel.

But to me Endwalker is specifically about mental illness, more specifically perhaps about depression and despair and overcoming it.

It's fascinating, every time I even type about these ideas, I feel an unease, as if it shouldn't be a big deal, as if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but also as if I was judging people for it. I feel there is still an unspoken stigma to it.

But it is a very serious issue. I myself have struggled with these thoughts, and though I luckily have found my answer and have gotten better, I still see and feel that judgment and disapproval directed at anyone who is suffering.

"Just stop being sad!"

"It's not that big of a deal!"

And in that sense, I feel Hermes is probably the most real of all of the characters in Elpis.

Is he the anomaly for essentially experiencing depression? Is he the anomaly for not agreeing with the norm of just discarding animals, thus other lives on a whim? For not seeing death as "beautiful" as his culture does?

As someone who has been there, dismissing or simplifying Hermes' struggle rings false to me. This is what mental illness does, what depression does. Mental illness makes everything bigger, creates tunnel vision, so Hermes can't see the good around him and so turns to look for purpose elsewhere.

I remember seeing a video title along the lines of "Hermes should suffer more" or again talking points about him "just being sad" and while it might have been for clickbait purposes, I think I've seen sentiments along those lines a bunch of times and I feel like many people just miss the point of his character and maybe even have this opinion towards him because of how they view emotional struggles like this.

Obviously stuff like this is super personal and hits different for everyone, but fictional characters are also not real people; they serve a narrative purpose and in this case Hermes represents someone going through this kind of struggle.

Among other things, he is a general thematic symbol, an idea within the story.

Even if he had the most awful ambitions imaginable, what message would further torturing a character going through this kind of emotional struggle ultimately send?

The idea of fantasy as a filter exists for a reason; were it real life all of these characters, even the more heroic ones, would be morally abhorrent.

But fiction allows us to explore some of these heavy ideas within its safe framework. And you're not obligated to like art like this, either. I just think that's the brand of fantasy FF14 is going for and I fully read most stories within this framework and really enjoy them.

I don't need characters to be morally good for a story to be good, but I actually do also think Hermes is a pretty good example of a narrative distinguishing between the sympathetic and antagonistic parts of a character's actions.

You're not empathizing with him wanting to destroy the world. The entire point is to just understand where his perspective came from. That is the framing I see.

But again, a text can have many reads. In the end I just disagree with a bunch reads on Hermes.

But to move on from Hermes, I think if Hermes is the most "real", Meteion is probably the most tragic.

She is by nature essentially an empath. If Hermes is the adult suffering from mental illness, Meteion is the child feeling the consequences with no say on the matter.

Meteion feels what Hermes feels and those are often negative feelings; and when he sees Meteion suffer from it, he in turn feels guilty. And Meteion suffers from that in turn.

Hermes very clearly cares for Meteion, but he also ends up using her for his own ends just like the other ancients do creations. His entire reason for creating Meteion was for his wish to see other civilizations to be fulfilled. It's selfish. Hermes is not immune from his culture's principles.

And while it hurts him to hurt her, he still does it. It's a crazy good complicated relationship.

As I said, I think there is so much more to say, but I think I'll move on to the final pair.

Truth is, I'm not 100% sure what to label the Venat/Azem/WoL relationship because while teacher-student is a strong sense I get, I also get a very strong "simple friendship with a fellow traveler" feeling out of it.

I can see why the Emet/Hythlo or Emet/Azem/WoL ships are so strong, but I never got that sense out of Venat.

And I don't see the parent/child parallel that strongly either despite all of the mommy jokes.

I need to think on that more.

But what I do love, is characters that *love* the world.

Who unconditionally, fiercely love it.

Life is a miracle to her and so she aims to protect it with all of her being.

And she didn't use to think that way. It is the pursuit of knowledge that lead her to that conclusion.

And to me, that makes her a fantastic meta parallel to me as a player because that is how I grew to see FF14 as I saw more of its story and then got to eventually play it.

Because at first I wasn't interested in doing any of the side content, only the main story, but as I went on I became interested to the point of wanting to do the blue quests, then yellow quests, then tribe quests, and any of the side content.

My plan for Dawntrail is to really take my time and really take in literally all of it, down to eventually the least significant yellow quests.

It'll take time, but that is my eventual aim with the entire game currently.

I grew to love this story, this world and all of the characters in it.

I'm not sure if this is the meta intention with Venat, but that is how it worked out for me as a player.

"Has your journey been good? Has it been worthwile?"

She asks and while my most immediate thought is "gotta get that audience survey in there", a split second later, all can I think of is "yes".

At this point I have about 700+ hours in the game and the only bit of content I've disliked is traversing the ARR, HW and a bunch of the SB zones.

But going back to Venat, I like that despite being so graceful in image, she has fun and joy in her.

Her being the previous Azem is very fitting in that sense and is another aspect of her character that makes me view her as a adventuring friend.

My overall thoughts about Elpis so far are really that I love how well-defined the characters and the relationships between them are; it is a feast for someone like me who loves character-centric stories.

I look forward to what is coming next; really nearing the final stretch here and I look forward to covering it as I go through it.

#Final Fantasy XIV #Final Fantasy 14 #FFXIV #FF14 #FF #Final Fantasy #Endwalker #EW

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subwayfloorlicker1978 · 2 months ago

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tadc works better in the medium that it unintentionally conveyed itself as

okay. you’re probably reading this title thinking “but subwayfloorlicker1978… what IS the medium in question????” okay the medium in question is being a lore filled mysterious series with twists and turns and having an emphasis on twists and turns just as much as its characters.

now. this baffles me a little bit bc even though one could get that exact idea of tadc just by watching the first episode (and the fandom ITSELF literally got that impression. i mean its even evident in the fanmade aus.) gooseworx made a twitter post a few months ago that apparently tadc is made up of. and i quote. 95% character depth/stuff/etc and like 5% of lore. which is… hm.

which also baffled me! because my GOD was there a lot of lore foreshadowing and spooky (if you want to call it that.) stuff throughout episode 1. like WAY too much of it, especially if your main goal of tadc is to have it be a series centered heavily on the characters. not saying you can’t have background plot things going on, but like… 95%? seriously? i’m definitely praying she hadn’t entirely thought out that ratio before pressing the post button.

and that’s why tadc unintentionally comes across as a series with super deep lore, literally to the point where i’ve seen certain people unironically call it a horror series (which is wrong btw. even if you’re taking the c&a scenes + caine’s suspicious moments into account). it quite literally spends like 1/3 of its main scenes in episode 1 putting SO much emphasis on the c&a lore and the abstraction and everything else.

and the thing is. i dont entirely blame gooseworx for this. obviously it would be very important to flesh out the environment/world that the characters are in during the first episode (LITERALLY your first impression), which obviously includes locations like the lore office area pomni was in or the cellar where caine banishes all of the crazy people to go to. (oh and also even the topic of abstraction itself via kaufmo) but like..... there’s a reason why tadc has a game theory episode.

i’ve said this before and ill say it again. tadc and the entire “digital circus” thing and the implementation of vr headsets + lore into the story is ONLY an excuse for gooseworx to tell a compelling story about compelling characters in a cartoony wacky environment. its basically a guaranteed way for the viewers to actually see these goofy characters in a humanoid manner. however… you can’t just implement characters with these vr headset backstories and existential themes without it sounding entirely ominous. AND you can’t just drop a huge bombshell regarding the lore of the show and WHY the vr stuff happened and then go on twitter and say that its 95% about the characters.

and with the direction of the cellar and office scenes.. im not sure if it’s even possible for someone to make a clean cut resolution to the lore tidbits while still fulfilling the “5%” lore thing and not having it come off as giving off the wrong expectations. the direction of these scenes is SO intense like. some of these camera shots clearly put emphasis on small little details and the tone of these scenes pale so much in comparison to previous scenes that it catches you so off guard.

which is what makes them very well written! however they pack so much content and foreshadowing into themselves that its such a far fetched thing to say that only 5% of lore will make up tadc. that combined with the prospect of past lives. and also with the clear foreshadowing of jax being a morally corrupt person. what about the extremely heavy motifs of exit doors? there’s no way THATS going to just be gone after episode 1. goose, what do you MEAN there’s going to be corpse imagery? all of this ties into each other. lore and tone tie into each other too. come on.

but these aspects can definitely be used to craft a great story. WITH character arcs and character deep dives throughout episodes. gravity falls literally nailed this. and theoretically tadc could too. emphasis on theoretically.

also if the “memory loss” thing was actually canon and not something the fandom thought was canon (again reasonable misinterpretation because obviously if you hear pomni say “HOLY FLIP I FORGOT MY OWN NAME!!!” you’re going to assume she forgot everything else.) that would also work well along with the theoretical lore stuff if it was more emphasized. literally think of the vast opportunities for foreshadowing. maybe pomni finds out something about the other characters via revisiting the office that THEY can’t remember. maybe do something with like… reflexes and muscle memory or something related to “the mind forgets but the body remembers”. maybe use it as a plot point in relation to jax’s keys or his weirdly implied secret or something. IDK! i just think a lore and plot driven story in this environment combined with character things (50/50…) would be marginally more interesting than what we will be given.

okay one more pet peeve in relation to this before i go. deep breath……. i really hate the cartoonish body language of the main human cast. GO AHEAD BOO ME. THROW TOMATOES AT ME. LET ME EXPLAIN OKAY.

one piece of media that i think does a GREAT job when it comes to utilizing body language in storytelling is duck season. it clearly humanizes the guy in the suit by giving him certain habits that seem undoubtedly human and make him feel very… alive. like whenever he smokes a cigarette but then quickly puts it out when the player gets near him bc he’s startled and needs to keep up a facade. like THAT. that’s what strikes me as a human behavior.

so if goose’s goal would be to humanize these “cartoon” characters… realistic body language that clashes with their digital circus designs would be a perfect way to make them stick out in comparison to the npcs or caine and bring out the fact that they’re humans in an environment curated by nonhumans. it would also help a little more with tadc’s target demographic problem i think? the characters having little humanoid habits would make it seem a little more mature i think and would also go well with my idea of theoretical lore-focused tadc. not saying 20 year olds CANT be into pieces of media that have bright colors and are very cartoony. im just saying. there’s a reason why there’s so much content slop of tadc.

#tadc #digital circus #tadc pomni #the amazing digital circus #gooseworx #tadc jax #pomni #the amazing digital circus jax #cue the loudest sigh….. however i am definitely still pumped for the next episode #oh and also the coooool super mysterious cool mystery behind jax’s character. he genuinely intrigues me a little tiny bit #my rants

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five-bi-five-mind · 1 year ago

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Lost at Sea (Pt. 2)

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau x fem!Reader

Word Count: 4.4k+

Summary: Things haven’t exactly gone your way since you got released. You weren’t happy with the turn of events and with each passing moment you were getting more scared. Not for your own safety, but for the woman you love.

Warnings: Mentions of guns; mentions of cults; mentions of religion and religious indoctrination.

Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 3

Shallows

Things were not going your way. After being released, the whole team was circling you. No one was letting you out of their sights, JJ especially. You thought about taking off again, telling yourself that it would be better, to keep everyone safe. For some reason, you thought that wouldn’t work that well this time. Maybe it was the fact that if JJ wasn’t by your side, someone else was. It felt like they all put everything on hold for you, and in a way they did. Another reason you thought fleeing wouldn’t work is because you were starting to really understand the depth in which JJ had feelings for you. There was this nagging feeling in the back of your mind that if you took off, she would go to extremes to find you again. Your safety was her top priority and she made that incredibly clear every single day she was glued to your side.

Meanwhile, you were torn between two choices with a fear that they’d have the same outcome. If you did decide to actually try to leave again, she would follow you. You had a good reason to believe she’d try to go to the cult, guns blazing, without any rationale until she found you. And that’s just one extreme length you could think of. There were about ten other scenarios similar to that one that you could see JJ enacting. None ended well for her when you ran those scenarios through in your head. The other option was you let her stay by your side. The cult was watching you and you knew they had a habit of breaking people down. Even if you were currently trying to give JJ the cold shoulder, it didn’t take a profiler’s skills to know she meant something to you. They’d catch on, they’d catch her, and that wouldn’t end well for her either.

The fact of the matter is, you were stuck. Your only game plan was to try to push JJ’s buttons until she pushed away from you. It wasn’t working though. If you were being honest, it made your heart go crazy, seeing the way she was so devoted to you. She might not have said those three words yet, but you knew. It was in the little things she would do for you. The way she knew what comforted you. It was in her gentle tone when you seemed shaken and the quiet intensity she had around you. At all moments, she was ready to lay down her life for you. You could see it in her eyes. It made your heart ache. What was worse is that, deep down, you knew that she could feel the same kind of love for her coming from you. As much as you tried to hide it, as much a you tried to push, you knew she could feel the underlying reason. Before this whole thing blew up, it wasn’t like you were exactly hiding how head over heels you were for her. But now things are different, she’s in danger because of you and she’s just not buying a word you’re saying. You needed to step up your act.

So you came up with a little… well, you were calling it a “performance.” When JJ came home from the BAU that night, she was following your every move. It was like she was more on edge than usual. If you went to the kitchen, she followed. If you sat on the couch, she sat next to you. If you so much as tensed for a second, her eyes scanned the room for incoming threats. It was honestly a little too much for you, which helped your plan along.

At this point in the evening, you had had enough of her overbearing behavior. You were going back and forth, trying to urge her to let you stay elsewhere. The believability of it all was helped by the fact that you were starting to feel suffocated, stuck even, in this house with JJ. Where once you were comfortable here, now it was starting to feel almost like your jail cell did. Small, cramped, with absolutely no privacy. You missed your home, you missed going out, you missed how things were. Of course, even if JJ did let you roam free, you’d still be looking over your shoulder everywhere. Honestly, at this point you’d take even so much as one single day in a different place than hers. But that wasn’t the goal, the goal was to permanently get away from her. Or maybe not permanently, if this crisis could be solved. You didn’t think that would happen any time soon though, and if it did the damage between you two might already be too great. So, if you could just convince her to let another team member help you, maybe it would work. Maybe she’d be just safe enough. Hopefully. There were plenty of other people you could’ve stayed with even. But of course, when you were released and the team was going over their next moves and how to keep you safe, JJ immediately jumped at the chance to have her eyes on you. She insisted and everyone agreed. It was infuriating. You tried to protest, but you didn’t want to give away too much about your… history with JJ. As far as you knew, no one else on the team knew what went on between the two of you behind closed doors. Maybe they had some idea, but no one had confronted you about it, so you had hopes they remained in the dark. The less people who knew what JJ meant to you, the better. But then that unknowing from the team meant you couldn’t exactly argue your case to not let her win here. So why wouldn’t they agree? And that’s how you found yourself stuck.

It had been a week since then. You both were running in circles, not just in the fights you had but in the case as well. With each passing minute, though, you got more nervous. “Things are just… complicated between us, Jennifer.” You sighed, stopping the little dance of avoidance you were trying to do. “Do you really think it’s healthy that I stay here?”

“You’re safer here,” she insisted.

“This is hard, JJ. It’s hard for me, it has to be hard for you too.”

“I can manage.” She was really standing her ground. “Look, I know you want to be more involved. I know you feel stuck inside all day. It’ll work out.” Her firm stance held strong, but her tone was gentle, reassuring even. “Just stop… Stop fighting me on this. Please.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be stuck here. It’s not about being stuck, JJ. It’s that I don’t want to be stuck here with you.” You were going for the gut punch now. Maybe with those words out there she would finally back off for her own good. Of course, they were blatant fucking lies, but you tried your best to make it sound as sincere as possible. The look on JJ’s face told you that perhaps you actually struck a nerve.

JJ looked taken aback. Her jaw clenched and she took a minute to just stare at you. So many emotions flashed through her eyes. Hurt, disbelief, disappointment, but then finally they settled on anger. “I’ll stay out of your way then,” Her voice was low. “But I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.”

Damn it. Of course she was too fucking stubborn.

“Just switch with Alvez,” you pleaded. Anything to get JJ away from you at this point. If your hurtful words didn’t work, you didn’t know what would. “This is too hard for us, JJ. He can watch over me just as well as you can. I’ll be safe with him.”

“You’re. Staying. Here.” JJ was seething. How dare you doubt her ability to protect you? How dare you doubt her ability to separate feelings from work? You didn’t want her, fine. But she still loved you with her whole god damned soul and she wasn’t going to let you out of her sight until this situation was taken care of. She wasn’t leaving you alone. Maybe you didn’t feel the same way about her, maybe what her gut was telling her was wrong, but that didn’t stop her from loving you with her entire being and to see you hurt would kill her. She lost you once and the way she shut down scared the hell out of her. She wasn’t going to lose you again, even if it meant she’d only have you in her life as a friend, or hell even just a business associate. JJ knew if she took her eyes off you for one moment and something happened, her whole world would come crashing down. So, she was going to stand her ground. She wasn’t going anywhere.

Of course that posed a huge problem for you and for her own safety. “You need to give me space, JJ. I want- No, I need space.” Your choice of words needed to be harsh. Whether you meant it or not, you had to get through to her. “Why are you clinging so damn hard?”

“Because I love you for fucks sake!” And there it was. The room stood still and you both just stared at each other, your eyes wide in shock, hers burning with rage. For a moment you forgot everything but the sound of those three words.

“I love you,” she said again in a quieter voice after a couple deep breaths. You couldn’t help your reaction, you had longed for those words back when things were more simple. After all this, though, you had accepted that you would never hear them. Yet, you knew JJ was persistent so you shouldn’t be surprised. Your eyes softened as she stared back at you. She put her whole heart in those words, you could see it in her eyes. “I love you,” she said again, a little more firmly.

JJ took one step and then another until she was in your personal space. You made no move to stop her, forgetting for a moment why you were pushing her away in the first place. She was in increasing danger every second she spent near you, but your mind was totally blank. The only thing you were aware of was your heart pounding in your chest and the shell of her perfume as she stood mere inches from you. Her hand reached up slowly, before placing itself softly on your cheek. Those three words echoed in your mind again over and over again and all the control you had this past week, trying to resist JJ, was just slipping so easily. You were utterly disarmed.

JJ leaned forward, you stayed frozen. She paused for a moment, the distance between you two barely non-existent. She was looking for any signs that you wanted her to stop, but she didn’t find any. When her lips finally touched yours everything melted away. She had kissed you countless times, but this time it was the most intoxicating feeling of them all, rivaling the first time she leaned in for a kiss.

She kept her lips pressed against yours in a steady, but still breathtaking kiss. The hand on your cheek moved to press to the back of your neck, pushing your lips all the more firmly into hers. And then your hands had a mind of their own, grabbing onto her waist to pull her closer. Whatever ounce of control you had left was utterly gone at this point. You forgot why you weren’t allowing this amazing feeling to take over you anymore. All thoughts of keeping her away disappeared and the only thing flooding your mind was JJ… JJ… JJ.

God, the way she kissed you felt amazing, you craved this, your very soul ached for this. Her lips moved against yours in an ever growing need to feel you close to her once again and you met her with just as much hunger. But then the anxiety creeped back in, starting as a whisper in the back of your mind but turning into a scream. As much as the part of your brain that desired her tried to push it down, it started to overpower. It started to drown you. She could get hurt because of you. She could get killed because of you. Stop. Stop.

“Stop!” You used your grip on her waist to try to shove her away. Her hands immediately dropped from you and you instantly saw all of the hope fizzle from her eyes. Both of you stood there for a moment, breathing hard, the air in the room filled with that tension again that made your skin crawl.

“I don’t want this, JJ.” Again another lie, but what else could you do? Except, this time you had no doubt in your mind that JJ could see right through.

You kissed her back. Not only that, but JJ could feel the emotion pour out of you from it. She knew, as much as you tried to hide it while under her protection. JJ knew.

“I got carried away,” JJ mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“I think… I need to be alone for the rest of the night.” Your eyes dropped to the floor. Not wanting to see how JJ was taking your words. She didn’t believe them, you knew that deep down. But it didn’t mean you would stop trying to push her away. It was for her own good.

JJ just nodded in response and watched as you turned to leave. You hid yourself away in the bedroom for the rest of the night. The kiss replayed on both your minds. You longed for more, but each time you re-lived it the feeling of dread creeped up in your chest. For JJ, however, it felt like a reassurance. She confirmed what she had suspected. She would get you to admit your feelings, she’d get you to see she can handle the situation that you pulled her into. She will fight for you, she will stay. And that’s exactly what you were scared of.

—————————————————————-

JJ was gone when you heard a knock on her door. She wasn’t gone often and when she was it wasn’t for long. You were barely left alone, but the team was stretched thin with this case, on top of others too. JJ needed to pull her weight as well so she opted to go to the BAU to grab some files, only problem was that no one could fill in for your “watch duty.” Reluctantly, JJ deemed it safe to leave you for no more than 30 minutes. No one was going to snatch you from her house in broad daylight. At least, that’s what she tried to convince herself. What made it worse was the security detail that staked out her house for your safety only came at night so she could rest somewhat easily. But you’d be okay, it was okay she told herself. This was important, so she had to leave.

When you heard the knock you were immediately alert. Your eyes took in your surroundings, as if the knock signaled someone was already in the house. But you were safe, so you decided to scope out the visitor.

With care, you tried to quietly creep up to the door. Upon reaching it you slowly leaned forward, your eye zeroing in on the little peep hole. And when you saw who stood on the other side your heart stopped.

There he was, Tyler Anton in the flesh. The man who ran the cult, the man who’s paper trail you had been chasing. He stood there, a meek smile on his face, posture relaxed as he patiently waited. As if he wasn’t hunting you down, as if he wasn’t the very reason your life and everything around you that meant anything to you was threatened.

He knocked again, checking his watch nonchalantly after he did. You weighed your options. Call for help? He might get arrested and then there’s two outcomes: His followers come for everything you hold dear in revenge or he gets released and you just royally pissed off a powerful man.

You could just not answer the door. Pretend no one is home, but then what? Were there others waiting, hidden around the corner. What if they don’t leave? If they don’t snatch you, would they snatch JJ?

You could… open the door. That was a crazy idea, an obvious move that plays right into what he wants. But if you didn’t, did you risk her safety?

Option three it is. It was crazy, it was definitely crazy. Your hands trembled as you reached for the door. You turned it ever so slowly, holding your breath for what might come. Someone could jump you, shoot you, who knew. Although, you imagined if he were on your doorstep, murdering you in public would be a bad look. He was more calculated than that, you knew that about him.

When you pulled back the door, he didn’t look surprised at all. “Hello,” his tone was shockingly polite. “I’m Tyler Anton. You may know me from-“

“I know who you are,” you cut him off, your voice stern. Trying as hard as you can to show no fear you crossed your arms and gave him your best intimidating glare. It didn’t phase him at all.

“I suppose you do. May I come in? I’d like to have a chat.” His smile was charming, inviting even, but you knew everything about this man. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing and the minute he stepped foot inside, you knew he wouldn’t be leaving without you dragged behind him. In fact, you weren’t sure why he even asked or why he was on your doorstep like it was the most unthreatening, natural thing in the world. You assumed if they came for you, they’d come as a group, breaking in at night, blood and gunfire everywhere, as you were dragged out by your hair, being prepared to be their next victim.

“You can stay right where you are,” you said as your eyes darted around the area, searching for some sign of an impending ambush. “What do you want?”

“Just to talk,” he said, holding both his hands up as if to convince you that he was harmless. He was far from harmless.

“What…” You couldn’t fathom why he’d waste the time to talk to you. Was this some kind of big villain speech? Was he going to reveal his evil plan to you before whisking you away to your impending doom? “Why do you think I’d want to talk to you?”

“Now, child,” His smile stayed plastered to his face, but you saw in his eyes the bubbling frustration caused by your less than friendly greeting. “Is that any way to greet a guest?”

You just huffed and quirked your eyebrow at him. Guest? More like intruder, attacker, or better yet, monster. “I’ll say it again,” you hissed. “What. Do. You. Want.”

He snorted at your rudeness, only finding your venomous tone annoying rather than threatening. “I’ve come to ask you to consider joining the congregation of The Chant. I think it would be most beneficial of-”

“Join you? Are you out of your damn mind?” You interrupted. “I’d sooner sell my soul to the fucking devil than join your fucked up little cult.”

“We’re not a cult,” His smile cracked at that and you could see the muscles in his cheeks twitch as he held back a scowl. “We’re an institution to better the lives of our members along their spiritual journeys.”

“You kill people.”

“We do no such thing,” Mr. Anton said, his voice finally showing the frustration you could see in his eyes. His mask was cracking with each response from you. You imagined that this man was not used to being told no. “Those deaths were tragic and unfortunate, but they were not proven to be connected to us.”

“Well, I think the answer is clear,” you leaned in to drive your point home. “I’m not joining you.”

“I wouldn’t be so quick to shut us out. Was it not but a short while ago that you were accused of the same thing we were?” He looked at you as if he had you right where he wanted you with that, but all you did was meet him with an eye roll. “You of all people should understand the… incompetence,” his face turned in disgust as he uttered the last word, “Of this country’s government and law.”

“I don’t blame them for my arrest, I blame your group.”

“Us?!” He held his hands to his chest in mock surprise. “Whatever misunderstanding there was with your arrest, it was not caused by us. A rogue group of misguided followers, perhaps, but that is not who we are. You would see that we have been mislabeled as you had if you just took the time to get to know us.”

“Mr. Anton, you and I both know that I know your institution,” you put air quotes over the word, “very well. That being the case, why would you think I’d ever want to join? Why would you want me to in the first place? Remember, I know what happens to those who know even a small percentage of what I know. I’ve seen your handiwork. So why haven’t I ended up like one of them?”

He let out a small chuckle, shaking his head at the audacity you had in speaking to him like that. He knew you well, knew that you held all the secrets of his organization in your hand. He knew you were a liability, but he was glad to see you hadn’t figured out your purpose yet. “You’d be a powerful asset to our cause. The great religious scholar come to join The Chant. Surely, people would drop their negative view of us if a trusted expert in her field became an avid member of our institution.” His toothy grin was back full force, but rather than an inviting smile, it felt more like he was bearing his teeth to his prey. “And you do know more than most, I’ll admit, but that’s all the more reason to join us. Surely, if you are so enlightened, you’d understand our ways. You should understand why we do what we do.”

“I’ll never understand why you brainwash innocent people and convince them to do horrible things.” Your hand reached for the door and you took one step back. This conversation was over. You already entertained it far too long. Without a doubt in your mind, you knew they’d come for you again, this time not so quietly, but that didn’t mean you’d go with him so easily today. “I think it’s time you leave.”

“Please, if you could just give me-”

“She said it’s time to leave.” JJ’s voice came from directly behind the man. That’s when you both noticed her standing in front of the door steps, gun drawn and pointed directly at the man’s back. “So, I’d suggest you go now.”

The man turned slowly, hands up in surrender as he did. “I’ll go,” He nodded towards JJ, before turning his eyes back towards you. “But please consider what I’ve said.” And with that he walked away, JJ’s gun not once lowering until he was out of sight.

“I leave for five minutes and you put yourself in danger.” JJ’s voice was strained as she lowered her weapon. “Why did you even open the door for that man?”

You stayed silent, not really wanting to hash this out with JJ right now. What would you say? You’d tell her it was to protect her and she’d tell you it’s her job to protect you. That conversation has been overdone between the two of you.

Giving JJ a brief look of frustration, you simply turn and head back inside. JJ followed behind you with an aggravated huff. Both of you immediately went to the window to peak and make sure no car was waiting outside on the street that looked suspicious. You knew JJ well enough to know that you both were thinking a surprise attack was on the table.

There were no signs of danger though, yet when JJ left the window you still lingered. He came to her house. He actually came to JJ’s house. This wasn’t good.

Your body was shaking and you hoped to god JJ wouldn’t see. The fact of the matter is, she was in danger. Never mind the delusional desires and dreams that man had for you. JJ had a huge target on her back, you knew that, but did she know just how much danger she was in?

JJ watched as you stared out the window, your body tense as could be. Her heart ached for you. She misunderstood your fear. She vowed silently to never let you out of her sight again. Whatever needed to be done, she can do it from home. Whatever couldn’t, she’d phone in the team for help. If she told them that the leader of the very cult hunting you walked right up to her doorstep, they’d all understand. None of them would let you be alone after that, they all would be too protective to chance it.

JJ was just going to be more intense in her efforts to protect you. As a result, you feared she would be more reckless too. You couldn’t let that happen. It was time to take action. You made yet another plan. The last time you left JJ’s side you failed miserably, but this time would be a little different. There might be a security detail on her place for you, but with finesse you could figure out something. Tonight, you’d leave. When she was dead asleep, you’d slip out. And when night fell, that’s exactly what you did.

She might follow you. Your gut said this plan really would not work. It's been saying it for days. But you had to try, right? You had to see this plan through. It was different, you tried to convince yourself, it had to be different than last time.

When you slipped past the FBI car staking out your place, you knew where to go. You made your way to your place, your mind set on the gun locked securely away in your small, personal safe. You were going to do something crazy.

A/N: song inspo for this fic was Shallows (as the title suggests oops lol) by Daughter.

Taglist: @geekyandgay98 @daddy-carpenter @prettygirlsincorporated @mmmmokdok @demonicbaby666

#jennifer jareau x reader #jj x reader #jennifer jareau x you #jj x you #jennifer jareau #criminal minds #lost at sea series #reader insert #wlw #five-bi-five-mind

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shion-yu · 8 months ago

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False Alarm

Sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. An early Cliff and Theo/Al story, mostly fluffy banter and then some angst. 2,810 words, no TWs but CWs low intensity hospital setting, transplant talk, mention of internalized homophobia.

Cliff wasn't sure what to make of Theo, the lawyer he was doing his summer internship with before he started his first semester at NYU. When Cliff thought about what a lawyer should look like, he had certain expectations. A lawyer was extremely formal, never smiled or laughed, never asked questions, and always wore a suit. The only one of these qualities that Theo possessed was the suit wearing, and even then he could occasionally be caught wearing khakis and a button down.

The craziest thing about Theo though, was that he was openly gay and no one seemed to care. It floored Cliff. His mom had always looked down on gay couples they saw in public. She looked down on everyone, but especially people who "chose" to stand out. Yet here Theo was, with a big office overlooking the financial district and an incredible case record under his belt and nobody ever seemed to disrespect him. He even had a picture of his partner on his desk where anybody could see, including the clients who came for consultations and business partners whose opinions really mattered. Cliff didn't understand how Theo got away with it, but he did. It definitely left an impression.

This particular day though, Theo seemed frazzled and distracted. Cliff was sitting across from him in Theo's office just having his weekly check-in with the lawyer. Theo usually seemed very put together and focused, but today he kept checking his personal cell phone on his desk like he was waiting for something. "So Cliff," Theo said, "Still think you'd like to go to law school after your first month here?"

"I think so," Cliff said. He tried not to watch as Theo glanced at his phone yet again. "I like the research. And I like going to court."

"You've certainly got the brains for it," Theo said. "When you're at NYU, take lots of diverse classes. Everything can always tie back into law and make you better at practicing it."

"Thanks," Cliff said.

"No problem," Theo said casually, but he was immediately distracted when his phone buzzed with a call. He looked at the caller ID and nearly jumped out of his seat. "Sorry Cliff, I've got to take this," Theo said hurriedly. "You're fine here, just, hey, pour yourself a coffee or something." Theo motioned to the full coffee pot on one of his other desks and then stopped paying attention to Cliff.

Cliff tried not to be nosy and listen, but it was hard not to when they were in the same room. He made himself a cup of coffee even though he preferred tea and sipped awkwardly. He hoped it gave the impression he wasn’t paying attention to the conversation Theo was having that clearly was not about work. "Are you sure that's all it is?” Theo was saying, his voice concerned. “Tomorrow? What time? Does he need to stay overnight? NPO after midnight? Okay. Yes, of course. Thank you Doctor."

Theo set his phone down, took a deep breath and then sat back in his office chair. "Sorry Cliff," he said. "You can come back now."

Cliff awkwardly returned to his seat a cross from Theo, placing the steaming cup of coffee on a coaster at the edge of Theo's desk. "That was my partner's doctor, I've been waiting for that call, sorry to be so distracted," Theo said. "He's going to the hospital for a minor procedure tomorrow, so I probably won't see you for the rest of the week."

"Oh," Cliff said. What else was he supposed to say? "I hope he's okay."

"He's fine, thank you," Theo said. "He's got a port, I don't know if you're familiar, it's like an IV in his chest. Anyways, it got infected so they're replacing it with a new one." Cliff honestly had no idea what Theo was talking about, but it sounded serious. It seemed Cliff wasn't very good at hiding his expression, because Theo added, "He's got a disease called cystic fibrosis, so he's in and out of the hospital a lot. I don't want to say it's not a big deal, but well, it's not an emergency. Don't worry."

"Okay," Cliff said. He nodded to the framed photo on Theo's desk. In it, a slightly younger Theo had one arm slung over the shoulders over a guy with curly dark hair, thick glasses and dimples. "That's him, right?"

"Yup," Theo confirmed. "His name's Al. He's a good guy." The way Theo was smiling as he said this was different from the way Theo usually smiled at everybody else. Cliff didn't know how to define it - fond, perhaps? "Next time he comes around I'll let you meet him. You'd like him." Now Theo had a weirdly knowing look on his face, as if he understood something Cliff didn't.

"Sure," Cliff said. He was so confused.

His confusion didn't abate even when he did meet Al about three weeks later. Al was shorter than Theo and wore very casual clothing that stuck out in the law firm. His cheeks were pink compared to the rest of his olive skin, which Cliff soon realized was from coughing. Al coughed the entire time he was in the office to drop off a lunch for Theo, and he dragged a metal cylinder on wheels behind him that connected to clear oxygen tubing in his nose. Cliff was startled; the oxygen hadn't been in the picture, nor had he expected Al to sound quite so sick. But everybody else in the office seemed to know Al well and think nothing of it. Al himself seemed energetic and cheerful, which was not how Cliff pictured somebody sick in his head.

Still, Cliff wasn't used to sick people, even if Al was apparently not contagious. He was sort of hoping Theo had forgotten about his promise to let him meet Al, but Cliff had no such luck. "Al, this is my intern, Cliff Barrows," Theo said as he led Al right to Cliff's desk.

Obviously unable to hide when his boss stood right in front of him, Cliff stood up and forced a polite smile. "Nice to meet you," Cliff said, sticking his hand out to shake.

"Nice to meet you too! I finally meet the famous Cliff," Al grinned, shaking Cliff's hand. His grip was firm and sure, not weak at all.

"Famous in a good way," Theo reassured Cliff. "I told him all about what a good kid you are."

"Uh, thanks," Cliff said, trying to keep a questioning tone from creeping into his voice. He felt awkward standing right there in front of the two of them under scrutiny. "Um... I'm just gonna get back to work then," he said, sitting at his desk and typing something nonsensical into an open word document until he was sure the pair was no longer looking at him.

Cliff tried to look subtle as the two men walked away. Theo led Al towards his office with one hand around Al's back, Al coughing as they went, but he was also laughing. Cliff had no idea how he could seem so happy. Cliff had googled cystic fibrosis when Theo had mentioned it and it didn't really sound like a laughing matter to him. It sounded incurable and painful. Then again, Cliff supposed they couldn't be gloomy all the time. Or maybe even most of the time, since Al and Theo seemed to be normal unlike Cliff who could indeed go around with a perpetually serious look on his face.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Al sat heavily in the chair on the client side of Theo's desk, coughing until Theo handed him a glass of water to sip on. "Thanks," he croaked, smiling up at his partner gratefully.

Theo sat across the desk from Al in his chair. Although Al got to see Theo in his formal attire every day before and after work, seeing him wear it at work always felt different. Theo carried himself so confidentially and spoke with such a professional tone, it honestly made Al want to grab his tie and kiss him right there in the office. Theo's desk had definitely seen some action after hours before.

"Stop looking at me like that," Theo said, opening up the salad Al had brought him.

"Like what? I don't know what you're talking about," Al said innocently.

Theo mixed a packet of dressing up with his salad. "Like I'm a piece of meat."

"Aren't you?"

Theo shook his head with a smirk. "You're so damn predictable," he said. "You keep your hands to yourself mister, I've got court later today. Thanks for the food."

"You're welcome," Al said. "By the way, you were so right about that Cliff kid."

"Right?" Theo said around a mouthful of lettuce. "He's definitely gay."

"So gay," Al agreed. "And adorably awkward.”

“He’s actually a better speaker than you might think,” Theo said thoughtfully. “When it comes to work stuff anyways,” he added, seeing Al’s incredulous look of doubt.

“He gave me the ‘wow, you must be dying’ look,” Al said. “You should probably tell him I’m fine. And that his face is an open book."

Theo shrugged. “I don’t know how reassuring ‘My partner’s fine, just waiting for a double lung transplant’ is, but sure, I’ll tell him.”

Al rolled his eyes. “Thanks a lot,” he said sarcastically. “Anyways, I’m heading home. What do you want to eat tonight?”

“Anything. Shake Shack. Anything."

"So... Shake Shack," Al said.

"How did you know?" Theo grinned. "Okay, be careful on your way home baby. Wear your mask on the train."

"Ugh, Theo, it's July," Al whined, but Theo knew he would behave. Al was usually great about taking care of himself, but especially now when he couldn't risk any illnesses lest it ruin his chances of being on the transplant list. It was also why he tried not to leave the house much these days, but he'd had a doctors appointment a few blocks away so had taken the opportunity of already being out to visit Theo.

Theo kissed Al goodbye and watched his partner walk down the street from the windows in his office, dragging the wheeled oxygen tank behind him. He shook his head, wishing Al would just take a cab, but Al hated wasting money if he could do it the cheaper way and Theo suspected it was far more about independence than cost at this point in their lives.

They'd been together about five years now and had lived with each other since day one, having met as roommates. Theo had been in his last year of law school while Al was struggling after the death of his husband. At first they were just friends and that was enough. Right person, wrong time Theo thought, because it didn't seem like Al was ready for anything more. But then Al had gotten really sick and although he insisted Theo didn't need to worry about it, it was impossible. Theo spent every day studying at the hospital so that Al wouldn’t be alone until feelings became inevitable and Al made the first move. The rest was history.

Theo smiled to himself thinking about Al, absently eating his salad until he was interrupted by his phone ringing. It was Al, which was odd because Al had only just left his office. "Babe? You okay?" Theo answered.

"Meet me at the hospital," Al said in a breathless rush. "I’ve got lungs."

Theo was speechless. This was the moment they'd dreamed of for months, and it was happening now. Right now. "Theo?" Theo realized he hadn’t said anything in response.

"Holy shit. Holy shit, I love you so much. Yeah, okay, I'm coming."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

False alarms for this sort of thing should be illegal, Theo thought to himself angrily. The doctor had just left the room and explained he was so sorry, but the lungs weren't a perfect match after all. They were going to someone else - someone who wasn't Albert. Al had been congenial about it, nodding as if it didn't bother him. But Theo was livid and could barely contain his anger as the doctor closed the door.

The silence in the room was heavy. Al had been changed into a gown, given CHG bath and gotten labs done, and had his port hooked up to fluids. He sat there in the hospital bed where they'd waited with excitement for the past two hours, now lost for words.

"It's not fair," Theo said finally. His hands were balled into fists, which were shaking. "How can they do this?" Al was quiet. He looked out the window with a calmness that Theo didn't understand. "You're not mad?"

"No," Al said softly. "I'm not mad. Can we go home though?" He was already going for his clothes, unbuttoning his gown. "Hey, if you hurry you can still make it to court this afternoon."

Theo shook his head. "I don't care about court. I already told work I didn't know when I'd be back. They're going to be more surprised when I say nevermind."

"Sorry," Al said, as if he’d ruined a casual date and not lost the opportunity of a lifetime after it was crudely dangled in front of him.

"Don't apologize," Theo said. "If anything, this place should be apologizing to you. How are you so calm?"

Al shrugged. "Someone else is getting lungs. Someone who needs them. I'm not going to be mad about that."

Theo sighed. "You're right, but I'm still pissed. Can I be pissed for you?"

Al seemed to consider it for several seconds and then nodded. "Yeah. You can be pissed for both of us, okay?"

"I gotcha, baby," Theo said. He forced a tight smile at Al, who gave a tired smile back.

Al was discharged and they arrived home around dinner time. Theo was starving, but Al said he didn't feel like eating. Theo didn’t feel like seeing anybody else for the rest of the day, even a delivery driver, and ended up throwing a frozen pizza in the oven. He called Al to the table when it was ready, hoping the smell would entice him. "You should eat just a little," Theo said.

"I'm really not hungry," Al said quietly. "I just want to go to bed and have this day be over."

Theo felt a pang of pity and sighed. "I know. Just a few bites?"

Al finished half a slice and then shuffled off to bed. Theo ate the rest of the pizza alone, letting all the negative thoughts he was having get to him for just a few minutes. He chewed the pizza like it had personally done something offensive to him and then scrubbed the dishes clean, his stomach aching from eating too much. Then, he took a shower and forced himself to let all the tension leave him. He imagined it swirling down the drain with the soapy water, leaving him exhausted but calm. As upset as Theo was, Al was the one these things were happening to. He had to be strong for Al.

Theo went to the bathroom, now in fresh pajamas and ready to be there for his partner. Al was lying on his side but not asleep and peeked over his shoulder at Theo. Theo sat next to him on bed and rested a hand on Al's arm. "Should we talk about it?" He asked.

"Nah. What is there to talk about?" Al said in his usual gentle tone. If Theo didn't know any better, he'd think Al didn't care, or was totally fine. But he also knew that wasn't possible and Al hid his feelings well.

"What happened today was kind of crazy," Theo said carefully. "Crazy and honestly... not okay. It was like the biggest news of your life and then the biggest let down. It's a lot to take in."

Al sat up and looked at Theo. His green eyes were always so forbearing. "It is a lot," he said. "But ya know, I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. Coz when I got the call, I didn't think, 'I'm going to live.' All I could think was, if I die, I'm not ready. So... Maybe today just wasn't the right time."

Theo hadn't expected Al to say anything like that. He swallowed down the lump that had risen in his throat and took Al's hands in his own. "You're right. It wasn't meant to be, and maybe it was for the better."

Al nodded in agreement, leaning forward to press his forehead against Theo's. "I love you, Theo," he said. "Thanks for being there for me."

"I love you too," Theo said, taking Al’s hands in his own and squeezing them. "And next time you get the call, it's going to be the right match."

#shionwrites #still working on p3 of a safe place but here #here’s SOMETHING my brain let me have #and also it's always a good time for some cute al/Theo right?#plus it's sort of prequel-y #oc: albert #oc: theo #oc: cliff #whump #emotional whump #medical whump #oc sickfic #angst #hurt/comfort #sickfic #chronic illness whump #hospital setting #cystic fibrosis in fiction #illness whump

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voidbeau · 5 days ago

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🌹🌿 More Thorn and Mr. Flower!!!

ok but ok but when they soft u wu

We've focused on the sad boi stuff, now I wanna focus on the more positive stuff about their relationship!!!

Gotta balance it all out and get a glimpse of things from Thorn's perspective.

Though I will admit, it really all depends on what au I'm writing them for.

Sometimes Thorn leans into a more villainous role depending on the au.

Sometimes his intentions aren't always very clear.

Sometimes.

Anyway!

----

I talked a bunch in the last post here about how these two affect one another.

Mostly the rough stuff, but I also mentioned the more positive effects as well.

How Thorn was there for Mr. Flower when he was dealing with what seemed like the gradual loss of a friendship and how Thorn seems to admire some of the traits Mr. Flower is very self conscious about.

And on the other end, Thorn has also found Mr. Flower to be very good at keeping him grounded. Especially when Thorn gets caught up in the chaos of his work, his plans, the connections he makes, etc.

I always like to think Thorn puts on a good show of keeping cool and being in control- and most of the time he is those things. But the sort of stuff he gets up to is extremely risky business much of the time and can lead to a lot of precarious situations if even one step of the plan goes amiss.

With years of experience muddling about in these kinds of fields though, Thorn has gotten pretty good at figuring out how to think on his feet and turn a situation around.

But he's not immune to the crushing weight of the piling stress that can and does happen more often than he feels it should.

Despite how much progress he might make when he's embroiled in his next plot, Thorn isn't the type to stop and sit on his laurels.

No rest for the wicked, especially when Thorn is constantly feeling the pressure of working on a tight schedule.

No time to stop, even for a second. Clock is ticking!

Unfortunately, this sometimes means Thorn can work himself sick.

But not on Mr. Flower's watch.

While Mr. Flower's brand of tender love and care isn't exactly tender, he does in fact care for his loved ones. Even if it feels like you're getting scolded majority of the time he's doing it.

But he wouldn't feel the need to make comments and remind you how stupid it is to work three consecutive days with little to no sleep if he didn't care about your well being.

But Thorn really loves that fiery kind of passion in Mr. Flower.

Which is why he absolutely hates that awful, drab, watered down customer service ass, fake personality Mr. Flower constantly feels the need to put on for everyone.

Everyone else, at least.

The kindness Thorn recognizes in Mr. Flower is still there, but it's dampened by this clear desire to please.

It's such a stripped down version of Mr. Flower that Thorn can't help but wince everytime he watches the poor creature play it all out.

And he's got it down to a tee.

And so whenever its just Thorn and Mr. Flower alone, he's constantly doing whatever he can to try to encourage Mr. Flower to ditch the awful mask for good.

The efforts may be misguided at times or even a bit intrusive, yet there does seem to be results regardless.

Early on in their relationship I think I mentioned how Thorn managed to catch Mr. Flower with his guard down when they first met. And how despite that, Mr. Flower attempted to keep his act up despite Thorn having already glimpsed passed it.

There was a lot of curious prodding on Thorn's end from that though, in the form of questions and slight button pushing.

Nothing too intense or too horribly personal, but enough to get reactions out of Mr. Flower.

Enough to tear that mask off.

But I also think Thorn had to learn where the balance was here in order to avoid provoking Mr. Flower too hard.

It was definitely a little bit scary at first for Mr. Flower.

How did Thorn know some of these things about him? And why was he so insistent on getting all up in his business?

Even so, the two slowly had more and more open discussion about why Mr. Flower feels the need to play the part he does around others.

Although, maybe "open discussion" is a little too deliberate a term for what actually happens.

Its more like Mr. Flower let's things slip as he finds himself actually growing somewhat comfortable with Thorn, because while Thorn can be a pest, his annoying charm and laid back demeanor have a way of making Mr. Flower feel regrettably comfortable.

"Regrettably" because Mr. Flower often finds himself saying things he wouldn't normally say to just anyone, and he can feel a sense of embarasment when he realizes what he's done.

But ol Thorn's silver tongue and somewhat perceptive nature go a long way in creating an environment for Mr. Flower where he feels safe enough to let go a little bit.

Just a little bit.

But nothing is more effective than Thorn's ability to accept Mr. Flower at his core.

It also helps that Mr. Flower finds Thorn begrudgingly funny.

"No, you moron- stop making me laugh when I'm supposed to be mad at you. You're not off the hook yet!"

Which Thorn is very pleased to learn! Especially when he realizes the mask is starting to slip in public the more he and Mr. Flower spend time together.

What was once a passive, people pleasing Mr. Flower was now something with a little extra bite when the time came for it.

A little less people pleasing and a little more standing up for himself.

And Thorn gets an absolute kick out of watching Mr. Flower verbally put people in their place with that customer service smile still plastered across his face.

Indeed, the hidden parts of Mr. Flower have often been something of an inspiration to Thorn.

During a time in Thorn's life where he was feeling himself begin to waver in his goals, he found renewed inspiration from Mr. Flower.

Some who have experienced unfiltered Mr. Flower might call him, stubborn, difficult and callous. But to Thorn, he was adamant and resolute, and though Mr. Flower wasn't usually given to openly expressing emotion outside of maybe anger or sadness- emotions Mr. Flower felt he was allowed to experience or couldn't hold back, he was far from callous.

Thorn understood his brand of caring and recognized the kindness in his actions and the active choices he made, even if Mr. Flower's choice of words might feel harsh in the moment.

Perhaps if Thorn hadn't lived the life he did around the people he's known, he might have missed all those things in Mr. Flower, but thankfully that wasn't the case, and he had a deep appreciation for the troubled creature.

And while Thorn has no intentions of forcing Mr. Flower to change who he is, he would love to help him feel a lot more comfortable and confident in himself.

And Thorn is chalk full of self confidence.

Sometimes a bit too much, but his intentions are often good. Usually. Depending.

Even if things seem iffy in the moment.

Thorn looks out for the people he keeps close to him.

Even when his plans seem questionable, even when his methods seem unreasonable. Thorn will go to any lengths for the things and people he cares about.

Any. Lengths.

It's unfortunate though that when it comes to keeping emotions in check, Thorn can often be more caught up than he'd like to be.

And it's partly the reason why he had been finding himself losing his focus lately when it came to his work.

Too much on his mind, too many distractions, all resulting in shaky, hasty decision making and expensive oversights.

Mr. Flower has been excellent pillar support and wake up calls to Thorn when he feels himself spiraling and doing risky, impulsive things.

But although he doesnt want to worry Mr. Flower, when the stakes are high, Thorn will do what he feels he needs to do, no matter what that might be.

But at the very least, Mr. Flower is a good reminder for Thorn to stop and give it some thought.

Most of the time.

Recreational activities are another matter entirely.

But they're being worked on as well.

Despite all the progress Thorn has felt he and Mr. Flower have made, he's starting to realize balancing his love life and his grand long term goals might not be a realistic endeavor.

But he's fought so hard to keep Mr. Flower, whose proved to be a valuable asset, but what does it matter if Thorn can't keep up with his plans?

It will all mean nothing in the end.

But is it all worth it if Mr. Flower isn't in his future?

---

I'm slept weird and still sore and tired and I'm half wondering if I said too much but fuck it.

I'll come back and change or remove things if I need to later lel

#twomp #the world of mr plant #mr flower twomp #twomp oc #oc x canon #vbeau headcannons #vbeau lore #i want to write fluffy fics #and angsty fics of these two #i want to stab them and take care of their woubds 🥺#lovebomb 🌹🌿#vbeau art #couple of re-uploads in here #but i thibk they help get the point across lmaooo #ashur gharavi

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wordsandrobots · 7 months ago

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[@lilenui informs me today (8 April) is Shino/Yamagi day. Actually, they informed me of this via a post four days ago, which proves I can write fast when I have a looming deadline, since I bashed this out inside 24 hours.

Anyway, in honour of today, here's a flip-side piece to accompany Falling for a Fool. Content warnings for extremely bi himbo energy and general dumbassery.]

————

It shouldn't have meant anything.

It probably didn't.

Touching other people was such a normal part of everyday life, Shino barely thought about it most of the time. A nudge here, a knock there, the clasped hand or bumped fist, a slap on the back for a job well done or a kick to the ass for being an idiot. He couldn't count how often he'd lifted one of the little guys where they couldn't reach, or knocked about with those in his weight class, or simply slung his arm around a familiar pair of shoulders just because.

What was there too think about?

Why couldn't he get this time out of his head?

The battle with the mobile armour had been intense. A giant monster robot from hundreds of years ago on a rampage that nearly ended with Chryse getting flattened, that was only stopped because Mikazuki went all-out. When the dust settled, Tekkadan were heroes once again. They'd done something nobody had since the Calamity War and by rights it ought to have been the start of bigger and bigger things, putting them on the path to truly becoming the kings of Mars.

Hadn't worked out that way, but still: they got to prove how awesome they were!

And in the middle of it all, Shino headed out to fight in a mobile suit he barely knew how to use.

Yamagi had been pissed at being dragged into the cockpit to work the new Ryusei-Go's equipment. He didn't wait to start bombarding Shino with homework afterwards, insisting he wasn't about to take a job as a full-time operating manual. That sucked because reading a mountain of technical mumbo-jumbo was more likely to send Shino to sleep than help him understand the rail-guns and the transformation mechanism and so on, but he supposed it was fair.

He'd practised hard until he could remember which buttons did what, first try.

His record now stood at switching to and from shelling-mode three times in a row without throwing anything out of whack, which had earned him a rare nod of approval.

So all in all, the situation worked out well, for him specifically. He got a Gundam to call his own, did his part in the battle, bringing down a canyon to split the mobile armour off from its drone swarm, and Yamagi was still talking to him despite everything. Sure, with what had happened since, it felt like a very small achievement in amongst a storm of massive disasters, but you took what you could, right? It definitely wasn't nothing, to finally have the strength to protect his friends.

Yet the memory kept worrying at him, like a stone in his boot.

Not the whole thing, just one particular part.

Because there'd been this moment, on-route to the target, where he'd needed to swerve. He can't remember what he was avoiding, exactly. An outcropping or a crater, some common hazard of speeding across a rocky desert, pinging on his sensors. He'd done what he always did, throwing the Ryusei-Go into a sharp sideways jink, and normally that'd be that. Only, he had another person stuffed in there with him and when he hit the dodge harder than he'd meant to –

The cockpit rocked as he regained his balance.

And Yamagi's hand struck his shoulder.

Which made sense. Yamagi was sitting across Shino's knees, folded practically in half, and there wasn't anything else for him to have braced against. It was that or being pitched across the cabin. In any case, Shino hardly felt the touch. Yamagi was not what you'd call heavy, or especially strong. He could've pushed with all his might and it'd likely have done very little had Shino been standing up, much less sitting down with a back-rest behind him.

But Yamagi didn't push.

He flinched away and hunched up, and began tapping furiously at his data pad.

Now, true, Yamagi wasn't the world's biggest fan of being manhandled. A holdover from how he got treated when he first joined the CGS and quite a lot of the time after then, before Orga took charge. Probably from being a small, slim little guy who worked for a military company in general, really, especially since getting so badly sick from the Alaya-Vijnana surgery meant he never took to the training. It was understandable, if he was sensitive over getting shoved around

Shino did his best to respect that, even when circumstances meant he needed to physically move Yamagi about the place.

Yamagi usually let him know if he went to far, with glares that had him regretting his life choices.

Except this wasn't that. Yes, Shino did catch hold of Yamagi as well, to stop him going flying, and got shrugged off for his trouble, but he was fairly sure that hadn't been the reason for the reaction. No glare, for one thing. Could it run both ways? Did a dislike of being touched make you hate touching? That didn't sound right. Then again, Shino couldn't say he'd ever paid much attention to who or what Yamagi went around touching. Maybe it was just something he'd failed to notice?

No, hang on, Yamagi helped him put on Alaya-Vijnana connector blocks all the time.

Surely he'd have noticed if that made Yamagi uncomfortable?

If they hadn't been fighting a life-or-death battle, and if Orga hadn't chosen that exact moment to come on the comm to tell them to get a move on, Shino would probably have asked Yamagi what was up then and there. He regretted missing the chance. He got too caught up in the high of victory to remember to do it when they made it back home, only thinking he should after Yamagi had already shoved the pad into his hands and hurried off, boots dangling from his…

Wait.

Did Yamagi run away from him?

He replayed the scene in his head, trying to recall the exact expression with which Yamagi delivered the instruction to read the damn files already. He'd had his head lowered, fringe falling across his face, making it hard to see fully and meaning it was even harder to picture in hindsight. Vaguely annoyed and despairing? That wasn't exactly unusual. Sometimes, Shino genuinely wondered why Yamagi had put up with him for so long.

That was probably why Shino was worrying about this.

He and Yamagi made such a good team, he hated the idea of anything coming between them.

Was it just a gross place to put your hand? Checking for himself, running a finger around the point under his collar bone where the slab of muscle on his chest gave way to his arm, there didn't seem to be any strange bumps or warts or whatever. Maybe the bare skin felt bad? Mobile suit cockpits weren't much better than mobile workers when it came to overheating and getting ugly-sweaty. Except Yamagi had been wearing gloves…

And Shino never got complaints from people who touched him there while working up a nicer kind of sweat!

The thought wrapped around to hit his brain like a live grenade.

No. No! Absolutely not. Why would he think for even a second that that had anything to do with it? Sure, yeah, it was technically an intimate place to touch, and looking at things from that angle – the angle where he hadn't been wearing a shirt and he and Yamagi were closer than they'd ever been before in their lives – then the connection wasn't a totally wild one to make. Under other circumstances, for other people, it might have been sensible. But come on!

Did Yamagi seriously think Shino thought he'd been trying to cop a feel?!

That was crazy!

For starters, Shino would never think that. Tekkadan was his family and as far as he was concerned, that put everyone else in it squarely off-limits when it came to any sort of intimate touching, giving or receiving. That was just… obvious. Orga said they were a family, and Shino cared about the guys around him the way you were supposed to care about your brothers, so of course he wasn't about to start leaping to all the wrong conclusions just because –

It suddenly occurred to him he hadn't ever checked if the others took the same meaning from what Orga said as he did.

Perhaps he needed to change angles again.

Yamagi being into guys wouldn't be the most surprising thing. All the crap the First Group bastards used to sling around aside, it was hard not to notice how uninterested Yamagi was in girls. Or at least, he wasn't interested in going out on the town to pick them up. Like Orga, except without the feeling the point was flying over his head. Yamagi seemed to understand sex as a concept, he just didn't appear to want it with the kind of people who showed up in Shino's magazines.

Didn't he ask if Shino was into girls once? As though there could be any doubt!

…had he maybe wanted a different answer?

OK, this was starting to feel weird. Now Shino was wondering if he'd ever seen Yamagi look at someone in a way that suggested he wanted to get it on with them! He was always so quiet and serious, it was hard to picture him being horny. Or giving anybody the time of day, honestly. The closest he got was maybe how he'd looked when they were putting the Alaya-Vijnana into the Graze Custom. The intense concern he'd shown over the pain the testing caused Shino.

Since then, he'd made it a mission to always perfectly tune Shino's A-V system, to avoid it hurting him again.

Did… did he do that for anyone else?

An itch spread across Shino's scalp as he took stock of the sheer amount of stuff he relied on Yamagi to do for him. Hell, there hadn't been a question that he'd be the one to head off to the Saisei to get Gundam Flauros fixed and turned into Ryusei-Go the Fourth. Shino bought the paint out of his own pocket but he'd known he could rely on Yamagi to make sure his new machine came back a roaring pink. Shino knew he could rely on Yamagi, full-stop, with pretty much everything.

Which was great!

Having a comrade – a friend – who'd make sure he got what he needed to fight the way he wanted was amazing!

Why though? Why did Yamagi do that? Shino was always bugging him with new ideas and he was always going along with them, despite his better sense. Sometimes, he'd explain bluntly why a suggestion was stupid and impossible given their resources, then come back an hour later with a plan to get close to something like what Shino wanted, and the result would turn out even better. In fact, the only time he'd flat-out refused was…

When they talked about funerals.

When Yamagi said he'd not make ice flowers bloom for Shino because they were too expensive.

Shino got the strong urge to slap himself across the face. He'd known he was being given the brush-off back then, it just hadn't occurred to him that was because – because, well, how could it have been? 'Cos when you started bringing in things like… then you weren't talking about sex any more, were you? And he could deal with somebody thinking he was hot, he could handle them being embarrassed over that, but if it was more than just a guy into guys being into a hot guy –

He was getting ahead of himself.

Way, way, way ahead of himself.

So what if Yamagi's flinch could possibly, maybe be taken as a response to… that. What other clues were there? He hadn't squirmed or blushed. He was a predictable level of snitty over being treated as on-site tech-support. He'd… not exactly been pleased when Shino got a tiny bit loud over Ride using Ryusei-Go the Third to snag the monster's attention. Nothing out of the ordinary for someone so cool under pressure, the only sign of nerves was a single foot tapping against Shino's knee.

Hold on.

Back up.

For a long few minutes, Shino sat with what snatches he could remember from before the flinch. The yelp Yamagi gave on being hoisted through the hatch. The restless patter of his toes, like he was trying to grab on with them. The all-business voice in which he rattled off information about the Flauros cannons. The faint reek of engine oil, soaked into his overalls, mingling with the new-clean smell of the cockpit and the animal musk of another body. The way he kept looking away –

None of it should have meant anything.

It still probably didn't.

But if Shino's suspicions were on the mark, then there was somebody in Tekkadan who did not think of him as family, or at least, not the kind of family Shino had assumed they were. Which meant he needed to figure out what to do next, because he couldn't just leave the guy hanging after going so long without realising. He'd have to say something, do something, decide if he wanted to see what came of saying yes…

Surprisingly, there didn't seem to be much of a question over that.

Good to know.

Even so, he ought to make sure. It'd be a huge pain in the ass if he worked himself up to asking an important question only to find he'd completely misread the situation. That'd be a real jerk move, inflicting such an awkward mess on Yamagi, and then Shino'd be the one dealing with horrible embarrassment. No, the smart thing would be to get a second opinion, check his working, make sure he wasn't chasing down the wrong rat hole with all of this.

And Eugene was sitting right there, so –

“Hey, can we talk about Yamagi? Do you think he… likes me or something?”

#shino x yamagi #norba shino #yamagi gilmerton #gundam iron blooded orphans #gundam ibo #g tekketsu #tekketsu no orphans #fanfic #my fic #spoilers

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beach-him-off-until-he-kens · 3 months ago

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what are your favorite sexy scenarios with your Ryan F/Os?

Oh what a fun question 👀!!! Thank you for asking!!!!

♡ Officer K being very grabby while making out on his couch in his apartment, mainly when I'm wearing a midi knee-length skirt. I LOVE thinking about this man's hands bunching the material of my skirt, glittery fabric spilling between his fingers as he's pulling and tugging. Feeling the petticoat adding extra layers of volume/texture and it just makes him wanna bunch it in his hands even more, clawing at it when we start getting really into it. Him pulling me onto his lap, leaving the skirt on while he undoes the buttons on his pants, and we just do it right then and there on that uncomfortable ass couch with his face buried in the crook of my neck, groaning like a starved dog.

♡ Driver being SO fucking horny out of his mind. When I drop into his dimension and it's been too long he just does his usual prolonged eye contact but with More Intensity silently saying let's get out of here. He gets us alone somewhere and it doesn't matter where, we're gonna fuck. Shannon's Garage after hours. His '73 Chevy Malibu (malibuuuu). The LA River. On top of the hood of some old race car he's fixing up. His living room floor. The shower. The kitchen counter. Oh, and I guess the bed works too... it's almost like a sleeping predator jolts awake within him and he just has to pounce immediately

♡ Sometimes when I leave Driver's dimension, he thinks I might not come back. He tries not to worry, but the fear is always in the back of his mind. Sometimes he's worried that I'll have another nightmare about him and I'll be too scared of him and I won't visit his dimension anymore. I tell him I'm fine now and I've never felt better and I haven't had any nightmares about him in a long time, but he still gets anxious. So any time we fuck, if the position allows it, he's hugging me. Arms wrapped around me and he tries to make me feel as secure and safe as possible. One hand cradling the back of my head, thrusting at a quick but steady pace that wouldn't hurt me but his little groans and little huffs sound almost heartbreaking when he hugs me tighter and tighter. Like I'll disappear if he lets go. I think about that a lot ;u; it's comforting to think about being hugged during sex and especially if it's with him

♡ Driver masturbating to the thought of me in his car -- I have doodled variations of this one hundred thousand times and I'll do it one hundred thousand more!!!! Sitting in the driver's seat, putting on some Charlie Puth songs on the radio (that dude has some horny asf lyrics and in interviews he's said he wants his music to sound fuckable in the most literal sense so I think it's perfect lol) reclining his seat back and going to town. I like thinking about him putting on "Smells Like Me" bc the lyrics seem fitting for us. He's missing me while I'm in Ken's dimension but he isn't worried bc I'm the one wearing Driver's scorpion bomber jacket. I could be getting action from any other guy or gal but I've got Driver's scent on me as long as I'm wearing his jacket and he likes that little sense of ownership over me, a bit of possessiveness... not in an extreme way but he just feels such an overprotective urge to make sure a part of himself is always with me. I DUNNO I don't care if that's in character or not, it makes me feel really good hehehe////

♡ Wait god I need to bring up K again..... I know it's a little out of character but I love daydreaming about him being sooo comfortable with me as our relationship progresses. You know how in canon, he comes home from retiring replicants, nearly getting killed, and he roleplays with Joi that he is just a simple human man who is coming home from a 9 to 5 shift at the office? He'd do that with me; he can come home from a long day and find me waiting for him on his bed - I'm wearing a skirt with a petticoat underneath bc I know he'll enjoy the texture of the folds between his fingers as he slides the fabric up my legs. Him doing the little "tsk tsk" click of the tongue while shaking his head, leaning over me with his hand snaking between my thighs, saying "oh, you poor thing, you've been soaking wet for me all day, haven't you?" and suddenly his stress of the day is gone. He forgets the dried blood on his face, the bruises on his neck, the stab wound in his shoulder. He crawls into bed and guides my hand, sliding my palm down his pants, tilting his head... "you feel that, sweetheart? feel what you do to me? I couldn't concentrate on my reports today, all I thought about was you..."

♡ That opening Bangkok party scene in The Gray Man, except put my self insert in there wearing a red dress to match Six's red suit, with white flowers and stars to match Dani's flowered suit. I know Dani isn't a Ryan F/O but I wanna think about her pulling me away into a private corner of an empty room and eating me out. Same with Suzanne oh my god please I need that woman to eat me out so BAD PLEASE ughhhhh. okay okay this was a Ryan F/O question... I'm sorry. I got Keri'd away

♡ The opening Bangkok party scene in The Gray Man and YES it makes NO SENSE for Six to be horny enough to need to pull me into the closet to fuck me, and that miraculously there wouldn't be cameras or mics in any of the rooms, but hear me out: you can do whatever you want forever and nothing in life matters. I'm working on a fic where mayhaps, against all odds, the Lord has given this horny desperate gentleman seven minutes where absolutely nothing bad will happen to him; he sees me in that red dress and he's like "Jesus CHRIST I missed my glittery wife. Baby please get over here." I have been in other dimensions for what, two weeks, maybe even two months, and this man has not only missed me so fucking bad, but he is starvinggg. He pulls me into a storage closet and we don't have time to Properly Fuck™ but I wanna give him a handjob just to give him some relief. His hands shaky while undressing me just a little bit so he can touch me wherever he wants, his head buried into my shoulder while he's groaning as quietly as he can. I think about this all the damn time and I really wish I had the time/energy to draw it. Maybe someday.

♡ Dean kissing me while straddling me on his bed, then slowly backing up and sliding his palms under my mini skirt, being very gentle and making eye contact with me the whole time he's slipping off my underwear, checking that I'm okay. Going really slow when he puts his head between my thighs, the whole time our song is playing in the background. Yes this is just me 100% self projecting over Cindy but that is exactly what canon love interests are for !!! and I like to think about him reaching out one of his hands and intertwining our fingers while he's eating me out 🥺🥺

♡ Ken eating me out and laughing into my thigh every so often. Licking his lips and saying "sweet girl..." giving that nickname a whole new meaning. I also think the image of him being completely oblivious to giving me an orgasm during our first time after eating me out and he's like "wow you're so yummy 😋 I want some more" while I'm gasping for air and shivering and saying HOLD ON GIVE ME A SECOND. Same goes for when I give Barbie her first orgasm after she becomes human and I'm just sitting there like "damn was my head really that good 😳"

♡ Sebastian not even bothering to undress, just unzipping his pants and bending me over the piano (consensually ofc) bc he's so pent up after a long night. Or sharing that tiny tiny tiny bed together in his little apartment, snuggling... we're both too pent up to sleep, and one of us starts grinding against the other and it just escalates... while he's wearing that tight white t-shirt and then his hair gets messier bc he's so lost in the moment.... yeah

♡ Laughing with Jacob during sex to the point where he's snorting and I'm wheezing and we have to stop for a few minutes. You know that cute couple thing where you pretend you're meeting for the first time, like, one of you pretends to be flirting with the other in a public space? And then you "go home together"? I think it's so funny to think about doing that with him. So we're at a bar, he's doing his thing, does the whole "let's get out of here" line, drives me home, we start going at it -- but I make a joke about something and he's losing it. He fires back and I have to cover my face and laugh. Out of every Ryan F/O, I like thinking about him saying "hey girl" just to make me laugh. He doesn't know the meme, he doesn't get it, but one time I asked him to say it and it made me laugh. and he's like "I don't understand what's so funny" but that doesn't stop him from saying it at the perfect moments. He's undressing me on his bed and it's all slow and sensual ooo and aaa... and after some sexy prolonged eye contact he mutters "hey girl" and I start losing it, and then he starts losing it because I'm losing it. and then he snorts and it makes me laugh even harder and then he's laughing harder. This may not necessarily be a "sexy" scenario but I really do love tender stuff like that in intimate settings... loving knowing my romantic partner is also my best friend.

♡ Luke is intimidating and he knows he looks scary but he tries to be rly gentle. He's slow and when I'm nervous he whispers reassurances until I relax. He's my guardian angel, he's my bodyguard, he wants me to feel safe with him. This isn't a "sexy" scenario I guess but I do think about this a lot, him just being very careful with me despite his outer appearance making him look like he'd be very rough. And maybe he would be! But with me he knows he's gotta go slow. and he's okay with that.

♡ COLT SPEAKING FRENCH Colt speaking French Colt speaking FRENCH Colt speaking French THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME in my ear while his arms are wrapped tight around me hugging me close. I have no fucking clue what he's saying to me but it sure sounds sexy. He could just be saying "omelette du fromage" lmao. but jokes aside maybe he'd say something like "my beautiful falling star" in French or 🥺🥺 something like that... and I think about being super careful with him bc of his back injury and double checking that he's okay all the time too. This man suffers from chronic back pain and he appreciates I am looking out for him and making sure he isn't hurt in any sort of position we're in. also did I say COLT SPEAKING FRENCH. Wearing a collar for me too maybe... with "therapy dog" on the tag... maybe he'd like being tied up too I dunno....................

♡ With Julian I don't have any "sexy" scenarios but goddd I sure do find myself thinking about having really, really, really gentle slow sex with him... I'm a top 99% of the time, but I wouldn't mind allowing him to have full and complete control, so he feels safer. He's straddling me while we're drowning in those neon red lights. His hands shake a little too much to undress me at first so I gotta hold them until he's calmer. Him kissing my neck and hearing his soft, short breaths in my ear when he's inside me. He's a SA victim too, so he'd understand that I prefer going slow, and tbh maybe he'd also prefer that ;v; I think he could still be rough if he wanted to, but he just. he gets it. he knows why I'm so scared and hesitant, so he's gonna be so, so careful. I'm precious to him, he wants me to know that, wants me to know he doesn't want to hurt me. would rather cut off his own hands than ever lay a hand on me. wants me to know that, to feel that, when we're making love. I'm gonna start openly weeping over him for the 100th time today let's move along

♡ I've written having a threesome with Driver and Six where they both try to make me feel as comfortable and safe as possible. Regarding the nightmare thing, Driver gets emotional and a little sniffly when he hides his face into my tummy and says "I don't want to hurt you" and I tell him "I know." Six isn't as vocal about his fear of me getting too scared of him either but he definitely feels it and it shows through how careful he is when we're being intimate to the point where he almost treats me like porcelain. More of an angst scenario than a sexy scenario BUT LISTEN. I LOVE THE HURT/COMFORT and my ace ass finds emotion so much sexier than anything else.

♡ Speaking of emotion. Ken getting weepy and sniffly while I'm riding him for the first time (just pretend he has a dick for my sake ok) bc he's never felt so loved before and especially not in a sensual way. Cradling his face in my hands and kissing his tears away while he hugs me and when we finish we just sit there for a while and hold each other until he calms down. Maybe I'd get weepy too bc it would be my first time feeling safe in a rly rly long time

♡ Actual sexy scenario: Stephen fucking me hard in his office, me laying on my back on his desk, his face between my legs drinking his fill until he stands up and places his hands on my hips, pounding me -- no no listen I KNOW his office walls are see-through but let's just pretend that he has some... other... office somewhere with normal walls.

♡ I think about pulling Steven's hair sometimes...... or him sitting up in his bed, his back resting against the headboard, me in his lap, while he fingers me and whispers in my ear, kisses my neck.

♡ OH I FORGOT WEREWOLF DRIVER I need him to fuck me so lovingly in a forest somewhere please god. or werewolf colt I don't care who just please god I need a werewolf to fuck me tenderly while we're surrounded by wildflowers. I'll pretend bugs and dirt don't bother me. Getting fucked by werewolf Driver WHILE wearing his JACKET. OOGH. god. can someone please teach me how to draw werewolves so I can draw some good ol fashioned monsterfucking

Thank you for letting me ramble 🥰🥰🥰

#anonymous #asks #oh god the tags. hold on #officer k #driver #court #dani #suzanne #dean #ken #barbie #sebby #jacob #luke #colt #julian #stephen #steven #💕♬♪ ♡ I can't help falling in love with you ☆- ̗̀💛 ̖́-☆#💕♬♪ ♡ I do nothing but think of you - ̗̀💙🔨 ̖́-#💕♡☆ I'll always protect you ☆🖤🎆#💕♬♪ ♡ I fall more in love with you every day (Blue) Valentine - ̗̀💙💌🍦 ̖́-#💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́-#💕♫♪ ♡ You're the pink in my cheeks 🎀🌸✨♡#💕♬♪☆ Are you shining just for me? ♡🌃✨#💕♬♪ ♡ It feels different when you’re with me - ̗̀☆🥂🖤✨☆ ̖́-#💕♬♪ ♡☆ Til my blood runs cold ━ I won't let you go - ̗̀🏍️🖤⛈️ ̖́-#💕♬♪ ♡☆ Shot through the heart!! ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ - ̗̀❤️ ̖́-#Julian tag TBA #💕♬♪ ♡☆ You’re the right to all my wrongs - ̗̀˚₊·♡🖤🌹♡˚₊· ̖́-

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giransbunnywife · 1 year ago

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Trouble in Paradise: Relationship HC's

Just some general cute headcanons for my ship with Sully! I've been thinking about him a lot lately, and we're rewatching all of the trilogy again. So I can't help myself but ramble about my fucking favorite old man lmao~ You can find out more about their relationship in my good doc (currently a wip I'll post in the upcoming weeks, hopefully), but for now I have a refsheet of my Uncharted insert -> here!!

♡♡ Warning(s): highly suggestive mentions throughout, self insert x canon, fluff ♡♡

Their relationship started off as a casual hookup that was on and off for several months. The timeframe is incredibly iffy, considering the fact that they're both busy and could only see each other whenever they were both in town. Violet was the first to technically develop feelings, however some could argue that Sully had felt something more since the moment that they met.

Everything about them in the early days screamed old married couple in the way that they bantered and bickered, especially leading up to the first official date they had. Even after they get together it's still very much the same, though once they are married much later, it's very gushy and romantic.

Sully loves to call them random pet names throughout their adventures, especially given the reactions that they give. He tends to lean towards a few: Sweetheart, Sugar, Gorgeous, Darlin'

Some honorable mentions include: Kitten 🤢, Honey, Angel, Pretty Lady, Buttercup

Nicknames for him include: Baby, Handsome, Love (very intimate moments)

Violet sketches him a lot in their notebook, which started early on in their adventures and meeting each other. He wasn't fully aware of this until during a particular job when they accidentally dropped it near a puddle. He caught it just in time, catching a glimpse on the drawings before he handed it back. Since then he never let them live it down.

He likes to pull them in by their lower back just before he kisses them, or when he's intensively flirting with them. It's a telltale sign that he's feeling rather playful, which only gets them blushing like hell.

When Violet plays hard to get it entices him even more, especially given that they don't even try for that long. Just enough for him to tease them and have them wrapped around his fingers as fast as he can help it. The coaxing is the best part for him (and them).

The man absolutely loves their giggle. So much so that he is doing anything and everything to hear it over and over again. Doesn't matter where they are or what they are doing, he’s gonna have them giggling as loud as they can. And he’s incredibly proud of himself too. Prides himself on how good he is at getting it out of them. Especially in such a cute way.

They'll steal his shirts a lot and wear them without him even being fully aware, not that he’ll complain when they show up with it on. And he’s definitely staring at them the entire time. Noticing that they are wearing nothing underneath it and leaving a lot of buttons undone just to tease him.

Sully spoils the hell out of them both affectionately and materialistically, making sure that they always have everything they could ever want. Whether that's a brand new bag that they have been eyeing, or a movie that they have been dying to see. He is jumping at the chance to do it for them, especially if it means seeing that beautiful smile on their face.

This does mean that he is calling up Nate for some more opportunities to make money now that he has Violet to spoil rotten. Making for a lot of interesting conversations about how they're costing him hell, but in the best of ways.

Even though they got out on their fair share of extremely romantic destination dates, they do have plenty of romantic nights in that they share whenever they can. Having takeout while talking about their lives, sharing stories and putting on some show that they only watch together.

Sully enjoys hearing them ramble about their favorite topics, especially when it comes to their passions. He could listen for hours while they info dump, enjoying the sparkle in their blue eyes. The one time in which he is the most silent is when they are in this particular mood, and the smile never leaves his face.

#self insert #self ship #♡ trouble in paradise #self insert x canon #uncharted insert #victor sullivan #fluff #highly suggestive mention

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huntingsys · 1 year ago

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hi there! i dont follow your stuff but i wanted to ask for your opinion on something since youre a autistic system.

im apart of an autistic system, and recently ive been feeling like im not myself. my mannerisms have changed, my mood has changed, and even my mindset has changed. most notably is my mannerisms, which is why the autistic part is important. nothing in my life has really changed, which is why i know its not that.

recently ive been expressing myself/acting in a different way, which feels better than how i did before, so i think i mightve been masking heavily and now that im expressing myself in a way that feels more natural i feel better.

HOWEVER, i've felt recently like a part of me is missing, like a chunk of my identity was tore away. i also literally cannot remember a serious chunk of my trauma with one person when i could recount ~80% of it before.

my latest headmate (to my knowledge) formed about a month ago, and i think ive started feeling this way about a week after that. i still feel like that.

i cant recall a time (recently) where ive felt this way so intensely, so im wondering if you think this could be because of my autism or if its system related, like a split thats just been extremely intense. idk? i usually dont notice when we split other than the increased migraines and the sometimes blurry identity :[

ahhh idk! sorry if this was too long, im not good at explaining stuff :P

hi mate :]

we’ve had very similar experiences to what you’ve been explaining, specifically with our protector and our old host. both times something happened which caused a large shift and splits.

sometimes an alter might split from another and take certain aspects of their mannerisms/personality with them. you might not realise until a little while after that it has actually happened, which could potentially explain what happened to you. that’s what went on with the old host- renny split from him and took a lot of his personality with him.

however i totally get the masking thing. we all express our special interests openly now and that has felt much more comfortable, but we also went through a period of questioning- especially when a couple introjects/fictives began popping up ((stares at funtime foxy who appeared out of NOWHERE))

i guess one of the biggest things to note is that these things are absolutely gonna overlap- maybe the process of unmasking caused your brain to go “oh hold on what are you doing here” and hit the split button. it’s one of those things which are gonna be near impossible to find one specific answer for.

all you can really do is (when possible) talk to your headmates about the recent split, if they noticed the similarities between the two of you, but also the split directly if they’re comfortable. you’re all in this together. they might not have all the answers, and it may just end up being a case of just letting these things happen.

i wish you the best though!! you got this <3

- JAMIE 🖇️

#did #osdd #did osdd #osdd community #autistic system #did system #dissociative system #osdd alter #osdd system #dissociative identity disorder

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loveclub24 · 2 years ago

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Another Day

Okay so I haven’t written for almost two weeks now (*sigh*) so I’m a little sad that my writing streak paused for a little bit... but here I am, back and better than ever, babyeeee! I’m kidding I’ll stop sounding like the lame millennial I am, I promise. This is a week late but I wanted to write an entry about my 1975 show in LA last week.

First of all, these shows have launched me into an extremely emotional stratosphere that is sort of hard to describe, I haven’t been in such an intensely sensitive / emotional place for a hot second, so I realize that I think I’m feeling particularly exhausted by it as well. Last Monday, I went to the Forum the forum with my boyfriend, Taylor, and one of my best friends (literally since preschool), Cambria. I dressed up in the classic Matty skinny-tie-white-button-down-black-tights-combat-boots-tumblr chic (or at least it looked chic to me LOL I’ll try to post some pics too - hey.... turning this blog into a scrapbook of some sort would be fun as well). I have never been so ready for a concert... I really feel like my Phoenix in show was a great warm up for LA and made it so I could be fully emotionally present and in the moment at this show. I had been crying for the past four days while processing that first show, so I was psyched to sob my way through At Their Very Best at the Forum. We arrived, and I made a beeline for a merch stand (getting merch was a priority for me this night since I couldn’t in Arizona). I am terrified to report that test I spend $345 on merch (but hey... some of it was for my sister too). I couldn’t find the dad hat that I really wanted, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to get that at some point (maybe they’ll sell it on the website???? ugh here’s to hoping).

This show was fantastic because I had a seat, so different than Pheonix but it was perfect as I wasn’t ready to fight the crowd since Matty Kiss-gate had started just a few days earlier in Las Vegas (may I mention... the first show about Phoenix so I was a little butt hurt to say the least... Matty... WTF). But I was ready to just ~vibe~ (as the kids say) in the moment and enjoy the lil edible I had taken with my best friends. I was excited because I got Roadkill, Paris and ... (*drum roll ladies and gentleman*) MILK COVERED BY PHOEBE FUCKING BRIDGERS at this show! I had gotten So Far (It’s Alright) and Change in Heart in Phoenix. I will dedicate a whole paragraph to Milk because that shit was honestly life-changing.

One thing I want to start with about this show is that I LOVE starting with The 1975 from BFIAFL. That is my favorite song from their recent album.... I just love how they decided to make it more of a full-length song for the first time. I love the idea of The 1975 being the band taking the pulse of where they are in their current state, and I just think this song is fucking genius. I mean... it’s cynical, this vitriol and Adderall and young people drinking Aperol... that just gets me every time, and into I’m sorry if you’re living and you’re seventeen.... I mean... do you want me to SOB? Do you want me to pass AWAY? As I wrote in my About You entry a few weeks ago, this album, for me, is a love letter to my 17 year old self (which coincidentally, is when I get into self-titled), so this song really feels like it sees me, and it understands that in some way a part of me will always be my 17-year-old 1975 obsessed self. The instrumental that goes into The 1975 also just makes my heart swell, that moment of knowing that they are about to open the curtain and come on stage - there was just something indescribably euphoric about this to me. Especially at this show, since I knew more so how it was going to go.

The energy in the Forum was electric, everyone was so excited and it felt so amazing to be part of a community (god I’m so sappy) of people who were just so fucking psyched to see the 1975. To me, this is what life is - finding communities of people that are excited about the same thing, whether its friends, family, or in this case, a concert full of people in different walks of life who are some version of 75 fans. I loved the idea of the first half being a show / play, and the second transitioning into more of a classic concert / gig type feel. Oh, I can’t forget... I got to see Matty eat raw meat at this show which was truly something I’ll never forget?? I still don’t know how I feel about the Consumption part of the show but what I know I do love is seeing Matty be his insanely dramatic, narcissistic self. It’s what he does best! This time around, I really enjoyed the craftsmanship of the first half. All I Need to Hear has become a favorite of the BFIAFL part for me, his voice has been sounding so good and it’s just a classically beautiful song. It wasn’t my favorite on the album upon first listen but it’s definitely growing on me. Also, I have to say that Falling for You is one of my favorite songs from the first half as well (one of the only non BFIAFL songs in this part), this song just makes me feel like I’m a senior in high school, crying in my car listening to self-titled after my boyfriend had shattered my heart into a thousand jagged pieces. Obviously, I Like America and America Likes Me is one of my favorites as well, and I do love this new arrangement they’re doing on tour, but for some reason nothing will ever be good as their OG version. I do love seeing him wobble his way across the roof of their house set and be fucking insane per usual, though.

Next... I want to talk about the moment of this show where my soul truly ascended out of my body. I have never let out more of an immediate guttural sob scream from the depths of my being than when Phoebe Bridgers walked out on the stage, and I realized that she was playing an acoustic version of Milk. I mean... Milk???? Are you kidding?? That is one of my favorite deep cuts of theirs, I used to listen to it on repeat all through the beginning of pandemic especially, when I was going through another 75 heavy obsession phase while feeling like I was losing the will to live during the first 6 months of quarantine. God, I love that song so much and I love Phoebe so much that I truly can’t tell you how wonderful, how truly perfect of a moment this was. It’s really hard to think of anything more I could’ve wanted from this show than Phoebe Bridgers playing an acoustic cover of Milk. This is one of the memories that I can’t stop thinking about from that show... I will never get over that.

After this transcendent 3 minutes, we went into the second half of the show and I don’t think I stopped dancing?? Even though I didn’t have as much room as when I was on the floor in pit, I loved being able to dance and really have a full view of the venue and feel more of the experience of collectivism of this concert. Seeing everyone dance in this huge place around me really was unbelievable and felt impactful in a whole different way.

The only slight regret I had from my shows was that I never got I Always Wanna Die Sometimes... one of my favorite songs in the whole world that they were switching out... but hey, can’t catch ‘em all I guess. It still was a fucking fantastic run and I will never forget this experience. It has meant so much to me, I really can’t explain it well enough words.

My friend Cambria is on the left and I’m on the right!

One more outfit pic LOL I’m so lame

Post-concert with my outfit in slight shambles...

#bfiafl #pheobe bridgers #matty healy #matty the 1975

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