#especially if i close the night before
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idk what to do about my sleeping anymore 😭😭
#i could sleep 9pm - 11am and be so fucking tired by 4 pm#especially if i close the night before#and it’s not even like messed up bc i’ve been sleeping like that for like a month#recently i’ve been staying up till 6 cus it’s like there’s no point in sleeping if it just going to be exhausted again#and it makes everyone in my family mad and i’m like it makes ME mad dude i have things to do 😭#but i physically can’t wake up before 10#i remember during school id come home and start my nap at 3 wake up and 9 go back to sleep at 10 until 6#at still have to nap the next day like what#days should be 50 hours so i can sleep for 25 of them
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AHHHHHHHHHHH???????
🥴🥴🥴😵💫😵💫🫠🫠🫠
#i think my ovaries just exploded#iM MELTING#WHAT IS THIS MAN???#HELP ME#AHHHHH SIR???!#STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART LIKE THIS😭#i can feel my heart dancing to macarena and my brain cooperating#i have melted into a puddle its not even funny#i though chevs stans were kidding#chevalier lovers how are we feeling??#you guys go through this every single time???#op is malfunctioning#not only that he also roasted belle on top of that😒#“have you never been this close to a man before? or somethings along those lines while smirking sadistically#sir theres no need to call me out like this#especially this late at night#am i supposed to go to sleep now???#ikemen prince chevalier michel#ikemen chevalier#chevalier michel#ikepri chevalier#ikemen prince chevalier#cybird ikemen#ikemen ouji#ikemen series#ikepri#ikemen prince#ikemen prince smut#cybrid ikemen series#312005
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i think the 6 hours of sleep over the last 3 days is starting to hit bc uhh the guilt is starting to set in
#saw some of the damage where it made landfall SO CLOSE to us and felt sick . and it’s all catching up to me i’m so so tired aksjsjdbf#like if it hadn’t wobbled east then literally everything i know would be damaged or destroyed and then i feel worse because it IS that way#for some people right now. especially after just now recovering from last year’s major hurricane!! like we just keep getting lucky and those#around us are unlucky and it’s such a sickening feeling woughhhhhh#anyway.#i’m just waiting for the fans to cool me off a bit before sleep bc i’m hot as shit even with the breeze and night time#maybe i’ll read a cozy comfort fic before bed . if i don’t fall asleep immediately
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I'm so fucked
#ramblings with major#cursing#trying to fix my sleep schedule so i can be on time at work when i have to show up ~6 hours before the store opens#meaning at least 6 hours before i usually get up on early days#and im still struggling to wake up#it doesnt help that i close the night before and if i were to pass out the moment i get home and wake up with Maybe enough time to get ready#id still only get 7 hours of sleep. so with dinner. showering. getting ready for bed. thats at least two hours lost.#and then whether or not i actually fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. well that could be a couple hours.#especially if im so stressed about waking up on time#im not gonna get sleep. i might not even wake up in time. and then i work for 8 hours.#aaaaaaaa#why cant they just close the store. for a DAY#so we can work the NORMAL HOURS
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My brain is so full of Bees about Post-Shift 2.
It's a fan game that was delayed for 4 years -- by the time it released, fnaf fangames as a whole were not as popular as they had been, & most people in the scene had forgotten about Post-Shift 1, so not a lot of people heard about it/played it.
Worse still is the people who did talk about the game. Pretty unanimously, the consensus was this: this game is the craziest, most insane fnaf fangame. It's overly difficult with mechanics that have no rhyme or reason to them & tutorials that are wordy, unhelpful, & sometimes actively mislead the player, meaning you need to comb through a lot of text only to be misinformed. It's not as infamous as some other fangames, but it definitely was talked about very poorly.
In general, I think most of these criticisms were blown up out of proportion, but I can't really disagree with most people's problems -- it is difficult & wordy, & rather hard to understand. I think, however, that the game is still 1. Really fun, 2. Not a bad game at all, &, most importantly, 3. Is a free fucking game that was clearly a passion project. Most damn fangames never get off the fucking ground when made in groups because the creators will never make a red cent off the thing -- this game was made by one dude for 4 years & delivered to people for free. It didn't ask anything of you except to accept it as a difficult game & to not go in with wild expectations. The dev just wanted to make a game that was rough, but he also wanted to make a game that felt unique & was fun. & It is fun, too, is the damn thing.
#em.txt#ps2 post#post-shift 2#i obviously am biased#i also obviously have more to say#but for now i think this is a start. i think this is fine so far.#i got counter arguments i was gonna type about the problems#bc tbh i think the difficulty isn't as big a problem as the difficult curve -- it starts very high for a fangame#bc it assumed you know what they're like. you know how fangames work. but it over assumes that all the mechanics#work at the same frequency as other fangame#the difficulty curve of night 1 is pretty tough place to start which turned a lot of people off#especially with how long & unclear th tutorials are & of course night 1's tutorial starting with a character that is unused in that night#it's rough. night 2 is even tougher. but night 3 is a cakewalk once you beat 2 bc it only adds 2 threats#so you might expect the next night to be as easy or even easier & in my eyes yeah -- night 4 is easier than 1 even#except that it's completely different & is asking the player to learn a new game entirely which is its own difficulty#but i can crank out a night 4 easy peasy no prolem. so you might expect night 5 to be even easier right? WRONG#WRONG WRONG WRRRONNNGG even people who know what they are doing struggle#because a mechanic in the game actively increases the difficulty as the difficulty is increased which is EVIL#& night 6 is even harder i have seen 3 people beat night 6 it is absurd#i sat in a call with another PS2 fan who clearly played thr game s lot & loved it but they could not beat the night normally#& this night has fucking optional difficulty modifiers when you finish that make it harder it is hell on earth#there is no checkpoints it is bad it is so bad I haven't beaten it i talk abt this game every day i play all the nights#i do not fucking play this night bc the way the tutorial works is unreal & unhelpful it wants you to remember#all this shit but it removes the 'walk around & click things before the night starts to see how they work/where they are'#& then it changes every 2 hours to something new so you won 12-2 but you hit 2 & forgot this one person's mechanic#but the only way to read the tutorial again is to close the game bc it automatically puts you back into the night#& will not take you to the home screen to view the booklet for night 6 it's insane#so yeah. there is difficulty. but the difficulty curve being this inconsistent is worse tbh#i get night 6 is meant to be like a 'everyone is here!' bossfight but it's overwhelming & there is too damn much
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#Having a 3.5 year gap in talking to a whole group of people I was incredibly close to and then very very abruptly#wasn't is kinda refucking me up now I'm interacting with them again#like 1 of them I wasn't super close to#but friends#and we were playing dumb 4 players chess with a couple of others#and then 2 hours after finishing for the night#and saying happy new year#haven't seen you since last year#etc etc#was just not gonna interact for closing on 4 years#like it fucked me up a lot at the time#and it's nice to be talking to that group again#but#god it's pulling a scab off#on some levels it's delightfully the same#falling back into old patterns#but also there's just these whole gaps in each others lives#and stuff we're inevitably not gonna remember#I've lived in 2 cities and worked jobs and had relationships that have changed me#I mean I've changed my whole name lmao#like#idk it's just very bittersweet and sad#especially seeing ppl in the discord user list or whatever who I still haven't dared contact#opening the DMs and seeing the last messages are happy new year stuff from that one midnight#I'm not the same they're not the same and we could have changed in each others company#silly ramble#if u saw this before I edited it no u didn't : i starte dit as a post then decided I wanted venty tags instead
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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just realized that “creep” (radiohead, glee, and/or book of life version) will likely be in my works spotify wrapped this year
#we have started a game#of queuing up those three versions of creep at random#it started with one coworker doing it bc she genuinely loves the song#(and she asked me completely seriously for my ranking before we even got through them all the first time)#now it’s a bit#that is heavily perpetuated by the coworker i have a crush on#sometimes we put creep on our 86 list when we’re all over it#the other night we also listened to so many glee covers (also thanks to my crush)#previously the friday closing shifts were 5sos fridays but now chaos has occurred#and i blame one of my coworkers being promoted to supervisor and therefore working manager shifts on friday nights#bc the friday night closing crew cannot be serious especially when she’s mod#this past friday it was super slow too bc so many people went home for the long weekend#so we had peak chaos#which included multiple people doing cartwheels and us listening to creep a lot and listening to some riot grrrl music#(on full blast at one point)#i love the friday night shift closing crew so much and we get shit done#this past friday we were out right at midnight when we’re scheduled til 12:30 bc we closed so fast
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#not snz and not a vent... just passive musing#had a dream two nights ago where someone who i used to know (and love a little) wished me goodbye with a#kiss to the hand before i flew away from them forever on a magic chair#which is very stud//io g//hi//bli-esque and frankly very unserious but#the feeling of grief i felt saying goodbye to a friendship which i had once held so close to me - and which i know can probably never#be as close as it was at that point in my life - stuck with me for a long time even after i woke up#it's been something i've been thinking about for awhile... but the dream felt like such a concrete and painful severance#i think that like a childish part of me wants to hold the people i'm close to at#the same distance and trust that they will stay there forever#but logically i know it's natural that the people i met under certain circumstances might drift apart once those circumstances change#for one or both of us... i guess friendship really is just a lucky convergence at one point in time where everything aligns#like i know this and i have known this for awhile but god does it hurt#especially those kinds of goodbyes that feel so gradual... not like a clear severing of ties but just a gradual disappearance#i think i probably have to not feel so hung up over what i used to have. and for the most part i am not; life goes on#but for those people?#i sometimes just miss them#there's a special kind of hurt knowing that i could reach out to them and say hello and that they would probably respond but that it might#never be quite the same again
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i never really talk about it on here but my “retirement” dream has been to open my own cat cafe called the black cat cafe which helps rescue and adopt out black cats since they have the lowest adoption rate. its gonna be gothic/witchy themed and serve coffee and tea drinks, as well as pastries and some small lunch options. i wanna make it so it can be a cozy study spot with like a mini library lounge area in the lobby as well as reservable study tables in the actual cat room. i dont want a lot of staff as i want to do most the work with my partners help, but id hire queer or trans people that are worried about applying to jobs because of their identity, and give them a safe space to work where theyd always have a boss thatd have their backs. free staff lunches, paid lunch breaks and commute if needed, if you like a customer enough you can give them a discount, just overall a good fun place to work and hang out :)
#.txt#my first big boy job was at a bakery#and while it had its issues here and there i did love it#especially when i could give people stuff for free as a little gift or to friends or kids to brighten their days#like my manager didnt care really when it came to the donuts bc we made them fresh daily#so either we got rid of them by selling them or had to throw them out at the end of the night#once it was like an hour or two before closing id just start giving everyone extras#bc i saw so much food waste at the end of the night it would make me upset#so i will always give stuff away for free
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bruhhhh not my preceptor literally YELLING at her technician over the dumbest shit in front of me
#personal#an i oop#totally not a toxic work environment#like girl just fix the issue yelling at your tech is not going to solve it any faster#and she literally was not helping her all night then gets all pissy when she has to finish filling the prescriptions#especially after she dumps the queue aka we are filling for like five days from now#why would you do that when u have one tech on and when youre not going to help lmao#then get pissed when things shockingly don't work out#and yell at the tech when its the patient who decided to come literally 3 min before close and get her script that isnt ready#before ber vacation#then its like youll probably be five min late closing chill#DRAMA#only four more shifts 😅
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uhm. realizing next week i might be working almost 24 hours straight between my two jobs. Uhm. uhm
#uhm.#shift at other job 6pm-9pm#overnight shift at michaels (but at a different store than the one i work at) 9pm to 7am#and then shift at my other job 11am-6pm#erm!#see like the other store is close to my other job so i wouldnt even be able to come home in between#so i’d be out of the house for 24 hours.#and the only reason i wouldnt be working 24 straight hours is the driving between jobs#and then that 4 hour gap between night and day shifts where i could probably get a 2-3 hour power nap ??#but like. in my car or something??#man. uhm. uhm. this probably isnt gonna work out. uhm. i may need to ask to swap shifts around. Uhm#ive worked 13 hours before but not fucking 24#especially when i gotta drive between jobs. man i get drowsy when driving really easily i do not trust myself#ERMMMMMMMM.#brot posts
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Also don’t tell the letterboxd girls but sometimes I fall asleep during a movie but I still log it. Like idc I WAS watching it and that’s what matters. I got the vibes
#especially when I’ve seen it before#last night I was watching the grand Budapest hotel. and perhaps somewhere in the middle my eyes closed#and so what!!!#I’m actually annoyed about it though like I live that movie I wanted to watch it
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i’ve read a lot of heart wrenching, angsty fan fiction in my life but the way that it took me this long to find a certain kind of angst that i can’t handle to the point where i literally had to close the tab
#stumbled upon some fanfics about yuji’s last nights before being executed#yeah i can’t do it#hurt no comfort is my favorite but this one hits too close to home#can’t deal with goodbyes especially when they’re final like that#makes me think too much about when i’ve had to do it and make up hypothetical things#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#itadori yuji#yuji itadori
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there’s so many writing choices in this film that i could gripe about but i can’t deny the way the end scenes have me chewing dry wall. we’ve just spent the entire film seeing alex paint himself as the victim in all of this, a hapless bystander swept into the insanity of nigel’s world and having to pay the price for it. there’s little hints here and there that maybe there’s more to the story - e.g. nigel’s comment about alex and susan (to which alex offers immediate refutation) - but there’s never any real and clear indication. until the end. until we get that 9 month time skip and we see sally pulling up to the cemetery. until we learn that susan’s grave has been dug up and the skull stolen. and then the train scene my god, the reality sets in that alex has been playing them this entire time, that he’s become the very thing nigel always wanted him to be. the ending to this film is both the end of alex’s story and the beginning of jack’s.
#i'm hitting a slump lately and motivation is low so have the incoherent ramblings of a mildly sleep deprived lunatic#but i always have the end of this movie on my mind#especially because i'm obsessed with it all from the pov of forbes sr. of all things?? imagine being alex's dad#your son is suspected of the murder of both susan and nigel#and then you find out he's basically been tormented by the very kid he tried to WARN you about right from the start#but you didn't take it seriously and chalked it up to his usually dramatic antics and need to act out for attention#but then it turns out that kid was not only responsible for the murder of his own parents and 2 other students#but may very well have almost killed alex that night at the railway yard#so you take him home and you try to get things back to the closest approximation of normality that you possibly can#but you've never been particularly close to your son. you struggled to form a connection with him before#and you're certainly not any better at it now after everything that's happened#so you give him space and you tell yourself that it will be alright#and then 1 day. 9 months after. you wake to find your son is gone. packed up and left#not only that. but you find out the police suspect he was lying this entire time and the grave dug up by him#what do you do? do you look for him? do you believe the police - believe your own child capable of any of the things they describe???#anyway i just have a lot of thoughts about alex's dad post-film . clearly#like minds#alex forbes#i love that john colbie gets a name but alex's dad is 'headmaster'
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I feel bad that so much of my issue rn is that I’m lonely because I feel like I’m putting a burden on others in admitting this, but like yeah I’m so lonely and I’m worse for it because like I can’t do much about it
#whimsy whispers#I feel like I’m being selfish I feel like a burden I feel like I’m asking too much but like#I’m truly so lonely that I can barely cope and like there just#isn’t much someone who is alone can do about loneliness#I can’t spin it in a positive way I can’t be like wooo inlove solitude I hate it#it’s so very hard to cope with especially when I have to watch other people be close and happy and have people in their lives#people who seek them out and want their company#it hurts even more when those people are the ones who feel like they don’t want to spare a glance towards me#not to be immature and petty but this is a big part of why I’ve left like every single server I’m in#it hurts to see people be happy and friends and wanted and loved#it’s also why I’m like the worst when kane is gone or at nighttime#kane is actually home rn it’s jsut been a bad night ahhfjfk#but he’ll go to see his dad for a few days and I’ll be all alone again#this is all not helped by the fact that I like cannot cope with being alone#as mentioned before I spent a lot of my life growing up isolated from other people I didn’t have peers growing up for a long time#and now when I’m alone/left alone I panic#I’ll even make people eat with me because i don’t wanna be alone I hate being alone I rarely find any comfort in being left alone
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