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xo-hugs-n-kisses-ox · 4 months ago

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Rumination

Ruminate

(v.) To think about something deeply

After Edward left her, Bella Swan fell apart. Desperate to try and save his eldest daughter, Charlie brings his youngest daughter to Forks to see if she can bring her sister out of her depression.

Now, y/n must try to help her sister find her way back to the light while also trying to navigate her Junior year of high school in the odd town of Forks.

---

Chapter Eleven: Contemplation

Now Playing: Salt And The Sea by The Lumineers

Paul and I went to Port Angeles today. Bella was hanging out around Emily’s, and I was still sore with her. Like the first time she showed back up, Paul had taken my keys, grabbed my purse, and snagged me to whisk me away somewhere that would take my mind off my anger with my older sister.

We had seen a movie today. It was some crappy action movie, but it made me laugh.

We got lunch afterwards, sitting in my truck as we ate.

I don’t know why I decided to do it. Maybe it was how he shared about his dad, but I started rambling about Charlie and Renee.

“My parents were high school sweethearts,” I blurted, “They were together all four years. They got married as soon as they were both eighteen, and had my sister soon after.”

I studied my sandwich as I spoke, avoiding looking at anything else.

“The pregnancy was hard on my mom. She had postpartum depression bad, the only thing she could manage to do was feed my sister when she cried.” I recalled the stories Mom had said, her voice light and joking. I had always seen the pain behind her eyes as she remembered.

I continued, “Dad worked long hours at the station to try and cover bills, pay back the hospital, and scrounge up dinner. Mom got better after a while, but she lost some of her spark.”

“They had me about a year later. I think it was to fix the marriage.” I slowly take a sip of my slushie, thinking. I continue on, “Didn’t work, obviously. They lasted three more years before Mom grabbed us and fled Forks for California.”

I look at Paul from the corner of my eye, and he’s already looking at me. I feel like the breath is being punched out of me, his attentive silence making my heart pound.

I take a deep breath, steam-rolling on.

“They divorced. Charlie gave her almost everything she wanted. He still loved her so much. I think he still does,” I admit, “But not as someone loves their spouse. I think it’s more a mourning and appreciation for what they used to be, what they used to have. Mom’s always been a, uh, free spirit. She’s gone through hobbies and boyfriends like I go through clothes day to day. She tires of them, then goes looking for the next one to hold her interest.”

“I—” I cut myself off, organizing my jumbled thoughts for a moment, “My friends have goals in life, milestones they want to achieve. Graduation, university, marriage, kids, grandkids, retirement. It all sounds nice, but marriage never had a solid meaning for me. I saw how easily it could break. Nearly forty-eight percent of marriages end in divorce, according to Bella.”

I was quiet for a long moment before murmuring, “So I maybe that if you have an issue with expression your emotions, I’m sure I have an issue with pessimism.”

He was quiet for a good moment, and I was afraid that maybe I said too much. Then, without a word, he reached out and put his heavy hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and leaning my head against his knuckles.

---

Edward bribed Alice into kidnapping my sister for two days so she wouldn’t visit Jacob. I sprayed Jacob’s cologne in her vents and her clothes.

It was a nice enough day, and I had gone for a hike. Jacob, while patrolling, had come by a few times to check on me. Sam had, also, and around noon was when Paul showed up.

His hulking wolf form no longer startled me, and I wordlessly passed him the bacon I had saved from this morning. He huffed, taking it delicately from my hand and sitting down beside me.

“I heard Quil imprinted,” I told him, having heard from Jake. “I’m happy for him, Jake said she’s a girl from his school, too, in the class beside his.”

Paul remained quietly looking out at the scenery with me, but he tilted his head towards me to hear better.

“Though, I’m still confused on the whole imprinting thing,” I admitted, “I asked Emily and Sam, but they didn’t give me a clear answer about it.”

At my words, Paul turned fully to look at me. I stared back, wondering what he was thinking. He huffed, sounding like he was sighing, before nudging me up and back towards the trail.

The two of us walked back to the house for dinner, and I went inside while he went over to the shed to change back. Bella was over, apparently rescued by Jacob, and I looked at her for a long moment before Embry drew me into conversation.

I won’t lie and say I didn’t miss my sister. I did. Desperately. But I was still hurt that she would choose the Cullens over her own family. Max said that I was holding a grudge. Paul, damn him, agreed when I told him.

Lunch was normal. We had burgers again, since there was a sale on ground beef, and everything felt like it did in February.

I clung to this shred of normalcy, fearful of when it would no longer be an option.

---

My allusion of normalcy was shattered when Bella went right back to Edward as soon as the hunting trip was over. Jacob had stormed back in and told me that she still thought it was none of our business what happened to her, that she was still set on becoming undead.

I didn’t have the energy to cry, or to yell. I didn’t even have the energy to be surprised.

Jacob had stormed back out at my lack of reaction, and I watched him go passively. I sighed.

I slept for most of the day, woken up around noon by a call.

“Hello?” I asked, my voice raspy from sleep. I rubbed my eyes, taking a deep breath to try and wake up.

“Y/n, a vampire was at the house. Not Victoria, someone new. I need you to tell the pack that, and—” my sister hurriedly explained, and I woke up quickly with her explanation.

Tipping out of my bed, I ran back towards the living room.

“Sam—” I started, nearly falling over when I scrambled around the corner, “Sam, a new vampire was at my house, Edward smelled it!”

Immediately, Jacob was reaching for my phone. He spoke into it quickly, interrogating my sister and Edward. They decided that I would stay here, still, and that Jacob would go see if he recognized the scent since Carlisle didn’t.

I waited anxiously for a verdict, and Sam started drafting new patrol routines.

Bella sent a text after a while, Possible murderer in Seattle, maybe linked. Let you know more when I do.

“I can’t believe this shit,” I muttered, “Why can’t this nightmare be over yet?”

---

We had a bonfire tonight. Bella was driven over by Edward, and I gave him a long look when I collected her. Emily was with me, grabbing her bags as I held my sister’s hand. The three of us traveled down to the beach, and we set her things down at our blanket.

Bella was sitting on a log across me, Jacob leaning on her knees from his seat in the sand.

He was idly roasting a hotdog, bickering with Paul over it. He relented, though, handing the skewer over to him. He took it, putting it on a bun and reached for condiments.

Embry tried to sneak a bite of it, only to get Paul’s massive hand shoving his face away. In his distraction, I reached around him to pinch off a piece of it, popping it in my mouth as he turned to scowl at me.

I smiled at him, handing him the ketchup. He rolled his eyes, dressing his hotdog and eating it quickly.

When he was finished, he leaned back against the log I was sitting on and told me, “Tell Bella to sit down wind next time, all I smell is Leech.”

I snort, “What does it smell like, anyway?”

He thought for a moment, putting words together, “Like dust, but in an old folk’s home.”

I laugh, overjoyed at the revelation.

I was about to speak again when Billy cleared his throat to begin telling stories.

———

(Vaguely edited 1/5/25)

Hey guys! Sorry for the super late update, today was actually hell 🫠 school sucks and I hate it but whatevs I guess

Anyway, hope you guys enjoy!! I’ll likely update again over the weekend bc I’ll be traveling tmr 💕

Once again, if yall have any ideas you want me to write, please lmk!! Anyways bye bye pookie 🥰

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sethsclearwater · 2 years ago

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synopsis: reader shows paul all touch doesn’t have to be sexual

warnings: tooth rotting fluff

word count: 1.57k

notes: i listened to “thinking bout you” by ariana grande on repeat while writing this. fits the vibes perfectly imo

…

paul was generally very rough around the edges. you knew he had a rough past growing up without his mother in the picture and always did your best to be there for him on the rare occasion that he did want to talk to you about it.

most of the time, your relationship consisted of rough sex, cuddling at night, and him following you around just about everywhere you went as your personal bodyguard. though, you did occasionally get to see a softer side of him, something that you were slowly working at bringing out.

you were in the bathroom of your shared apartment, getting ready to take a bath when you heard the front door open and close, letting you know that paul had just gotten home from patrol. sure enough, he came into the bathroom a few seconds later, smiling when he saw you, “hi princess,” he said softly, stepping over and pulling you into a hug.

you giggled, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him back, “you wanna come in the bath with me?” you asked, peeking up at him and smiling when he nodded.

he let you go so you could take your towel off, quickly stepping into the warm water while paul got himself undressed, climbing in a moment after you so he could sit behind you. you smiled, turning so you could straddle his lap, “i missed you.” you murmured, pressing a soft kiss to his lips which he gladly returned.

tightening his grip around you, he melted into the kiss, holding you tightly against him, “you know,” you giggled as you pulled back a bit, much to his dismay, “we can be intimate without having sex.” you explained, leaning forward so you could gently thread your fingers through his hair.

he furrowed his eyebrows together, clearly not understanding what you meant, “i think you’ll like it.” you said softly, “c’mere.” you whispered as you squirted a little bit of shampoo into your hand, threading it through his hair which almost instantly made him putty in your hands.

you were surprised by how quickly he melted against your touch as you gently massaged the shampoo into his hair. his grip on your hips loosened a bit, instead attempting to mirror your hand movements and gently massaging your lower back with his fingers.

you smiled, “you don’t get enough gentle love.” you whispered, “you deserve more of that.” you added, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

he watched you, clearly not totally sure how to process whatever it was he was feeling at the moment. whatever it was, you decided he must’ve been loving because of how he slowly leaned into your touch, letting you gently wash the shampoo out of his hair before you repeated with the conditioner a few minutes later.

“how do i…” he started, trailing off as he tried to figure out how to ask you how to reciprocate your actions.

you smiled, “wash my hair?” you finished for him and he nodded, allowing you to take his hand and squirt some shampoo into his hand.

“jus’ be gentle. you know how to do that.” you said softly, “i trust you.” you added, both of you taking a deep breath together before he was running his hands through your hair.

he was hesitant at first, not seemingly particularly confident in his hair-washing abilities but when you closed your eyes, letting out a soft sigh as he massaged the shampoo into your scalp, he seemed to gain a bit of confidence.

after a few minutes of massaging your scalp, he gently worked at washing the shampoo out of your hair, “that was so good.” you whispered, opening your eyes to look at him.

he smiled a bit at you, it was new for you to see the notoriously proud man seem insecure about something, “i promise.” you added, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to his lips which he slowly returned, clearly doing his best to refrain from getting rough with you.

you pulled away a few seconds later, “you wanna let me rub your shoulders?” you asked softly, knowing how often the muscles up there were tense for him.

he slowly nodded, dropping his shoulders as you slid your hands up his chest, coming to rest them on his broad shoulders and gently kneading your fingers against the sensitive muscles. he exhaled softly, his eyes closing at the first touch which almost had you giggling but you stopped yourself, afraid you’d stress him out if you did.

paul gently kneaded at the muscles in your lower back while you worked at his shoulders, taking time to relish in making each other feel as good as possible. after a few minutes, paul’s fingers slowly stopped massaging you and you giggled as you realized he had fallen asleep.

you were ecstatic to know he felt comfortable enough with you to let his guard down like that, something you didn’t think you’d ever get to see from him. you slid your fingers off his shoulder and down his chest, stopping when they came to rest on his abdomen.

his phone lit up a few moments later and you reached over to grab it, seeing it was a call from sam. you picked it up, speaking quietly into the phone in an effort not to wake him up, “hi sam.” you whispered, attempting to contain your giggles.

“y/n?” sam asked, “isn’t this paul’s number?” he asked again which had you giggling softly, paul’s hands tightening on your hips momentarily as he subconsciously adjusted himself under you.

“yes it’s paul’s number silly,” you giggled, “but he’s sleeping so i answered.” you whispered, watching paul’s sleeping figure adoringly. in that moment it finally hit you how hard you’d fallen for him, just having him be vulnerable with you reaffirmed how deeply in love you were with him.

sam’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts a few seconds later, “okay well can you tell him to give me a call when he wakes up? nothing urgent.” he said and you hummed in response.

“i’ll let him know.” you whispered, both of you quickly saying your goodbyes before you hung up. paul let out a soft groan a few seconds later, gently squeezing your hips.

“who was that?” he asked blearily, slowly opening his eyes to look at you. you smiled at him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“jus’ sam. said it’s nothing urgent.” you whispered, sliding your hands up his chest and wrapping them around his neck so you could pull him closer to you as you kissed him again.

while paul continued showing you the gentle touches you had him practicing earlier, you melted into the kiss, holding him close to you. the two of you took your time with eachother, not in any rush to end the moment which was quite the opposite of how your relationship usually operated - both of you racing to the finish line.

when you pulled away for air, paul ran his hands up your sides, “you wanna get into bed?” he asked softly and you smiled at him, giggling a bit, “not like that i mean. jus’ wanna lay with you.” he murmured softly, almost as if he was embarrassed to be confessing this to you.

you nodded, not even knowing it was possible to fall more in love with him than you already had. he helped you out of the tub, both of you gently drying each other off before he was helping you into new panties and one of his oversized t-shirts.

once you got into bed, paul was quick to pull you into his arms, resting his forehead against yours as he held you close to him. you smiled, peeking up at him, “you okay big guy?” you whispered teasingly and he nodded, offering you a soft smile.

“jus’ love you more than i thought i did.” his confession was hushed, almost like he was afraid if he spoke too loud he’d scare you off with the honesty of it.

“i love you more than i thought i did too.” you whispered back, running your hands up his bare chest to cup his face in your hands.

he leaned into your touch, seeming entranced by the softness of it for a moment, “i don’t deserve you.” he murmured, thumbs rubbing soft circles on your shoulder.

you shook your head, leaning up to press a gentle kiss to his lips, “yes you do.” you whispered when you pulled back, lips only separated from his by a few centimeters, “we’re made for eachother, remember?” you asked softly, referencing the imprint bond that effectively tethered the two of you to each other for the rest of your lives and then some.

he took a deep breath, nodding as he let your reminder sink in. you slid one of your hands around his neck, gently threading your fingers through his wet hair and massaging at his scalp while the two of you just basked in each other’s presence.

“i love you.” paul murmured as he closed his eyes, drifting off as he sank into your touch and you smiled, “i love you too paul.”

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andreafmn · 7 months ago

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Collision | Chapter 24

Word Count: 3.2K Warnings: death

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life is at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

A/N: slowly but surely finishing up some WIP chapters for every story and a couple of oneshots and requests 😊

<- Previous | Next ->

The last place (Y/N) wanted to be in was a funeral. Especially when guilt clung to her like a dark cloud. It didn’t matter how many people told her it wasn’t her fault or that there was nothing more she could have done. She couldn’t help it.

Harry’s heart had taken its last beat under her hands, it had stopped while she was the one caring for him. And even if it had flatlined, she felt like there was more she could have done. Maybe if she had kept going, he would have magically come back. Stranger things than that had happened. To her, it didn’t matter if he’d had heart problems or that the pressure on the organ had been too much for recovery. She simply felt there was something else she could do. Anything else.

Clad in a dark dress, (Y/N) made her way to the Clearwater house. But once there, she could not make it past the first step. Tears flooded her eyes as she stared at the front door, the murmurs from the inside rushing to her ears. How could she face them? How could she face all the people who loved Harry and tell them there may have been more to do?

“(Y/N)?” a voice broke her out of her trance. The girl turned to find a worried Paul walking toward her, and fight or not, she found herself crashing into his arms. They fell to the ground as he cradled her in his arms, allowing her to crumble. “Hey, you’re okay. You’re okay.”

“It’s my fault, Paul,” she cried. “It’s my fault he’s gone.”

“It is absolutely not your fault, (Y/N),” he whispered. “You did all you could. Sam told us how hard you fought to keep him alive. There was nothing else you could do, (Y/N). It was just his time.”

“No. I could have saved him,” she continued. “I should have saved him.”

“He was a man with pre-existing heart conditions that had the scare of a lifetime, (Y/N). There was no way he would have survived this. There was nothing more to do,” he said. “Unburden yourself of his death because it was not, and never will be your fault.”

With teary eyes, (Y/N) finally allowed herself to look up at her friend, feeling her chest lighten at his words. Even if the knot was still there, she could feel herself growing used to the feeling, and others started to come to the surface. “I thought you were mad at me,” she sniffled, sitting on the ground as her breathing steadied. “Why are you here comforting me?”

“Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I’d walk past you when you’re crying,” he said, sitting next to her. “You’re still my best friend, (Y/N).”

“So, does that mean you’re still mad at me?”

“Not as much as before,” he teasingly shrugged, shoving her softly. “I will admit, in the time that we’ve been apart, I’ve had a chance to think about my actions, and I have to say I may have overreacted a little bit. I knew you didn’t feel the same way I did, but I still let myself think that we’d one day be more. Then I got mad at you when you didn’t act the way I thought you should. I got my feelings hurt and I took it out on you. I’m sorry for that, (Y/N).”

“Well, if we’re airing out our grievances, I should apologize for using you like I did,” she admitted. “I knew how you felt about me, and I still asked you to do something almost impossible. I should never have asked you to get involved with my moving on in the way I did. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m the one that said yes, (Y/N). I knew what I was getting into, and I still said yes,” he refuted. “I had every chance to say no, but I chose to stay. So, I’m sorry.”

“No, Paul. If I hadn’t…”

“Look, we’re not gonna spend the rest of the morning saying sorry back and forth, (Y/N),” he chuckled. “Let’s just agree we both fucked up and go back to being friends. I’ve missed you for far too long.”

“I’ve missed you too, Paul,” she sniffled once more. “I have so much to tell you.”

“Let’s get through this first, okay? Then we have all the time in the world to catch up.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

With Paul by her side, the funeral was easier to bear. Though the pitiful stares and the sorrys were getting to her, having her best friend helped appease her guilt and her sadness. She was able to face the heartbroken Clearwater family and offer them condolences, embracing a terrified Seth and a heartbroken and detached Leah. There were no words she could tell them that could make the moment better. No amount of condolences or blessings would assuage the pain of losing their father in such a tragic way. And telling them she felt guilty about his passing would never compare to the guilt she was sure his daughter already felt.

Leah’s face was stoic, plastered with anger and despair. But (Y/N) knew what she was hiding. She could sense the girl’s self-reproach; it was the same she was feeling. To her, it was unmistakable. That hidden darkness in her eyes, the staggering in her breath, the closed-off posture. The Uley girl knew the signs all too well. They had been etched into her skin like an infected tattoo for years, making her skin itch and swell, but nevertheless remaining, staining. A mark that she would carry for the rest of her life. And now, so would poor Leah.

(Y/N) wanted to show her support in any way she could, but she knew her words did not mean anything yet. The last thing the girl needed was to hear from the sister of the guy who had broken her heart. No. What she needed for the moment was space—time to grieve and process the trauma she had just gone through.

So, instead of badgering the girl with empty words and sentiments like most people were doing, she let her be.

“Hey, (Y/N),” Seth startled her as he sat down beside her on the front porch. “Sorry. I just wanted to thank you for what you did for my dad. Mom told us how hard you tried to save him.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Seth,” she smiled sadly. “I was simply doing my job.”

“I know it was more than that,” he chuckled softly. “He cared about you, you know? He always knew you’d be going far, and he was right. A doctor at only 19? I’d say that’s pretty far. I mean, I’m only fifteen and the most impressive thing I’ve done is become a wolf, and I didn’t even do it on purpose.”

“Well, I’m still a student,” she said, but noting his annoyance, she chuckled. “But I get what you’re saying. I cared about him a lot too. I just wish I hadn’t been so busy these few months and got to spend more time with him. He always treated Sam and me with so much love and kindness, I can’t help but regret not giving as much as I received from him.”

“Nah, he knew how much you loved him,” Seth shrugged. “Honestly, we almost made you a forbidden name in our house because of how much he talked about you. When Leah got angry and would bring up that you hadn’t been in the rez for years, he always shut her down and told us you were putting us on the map. The more time you spent away, the prouder he was. I’m sure he knows how hard you fought for him and how much you loved him.”

“You’re too smart, kid,” (Y/N) hid a sniffle with a chuckle as she messed with his hair. “But don’t worry about me. How are you?”

“Honestly, I think I’m still in shock,” he sighed. “I woke up today hoping to find him on his chair, reading the newspaper, just waiting to talk to us about being wolves. Instead, I woke up to people rearranging the living room to fit his casket for the showing. It’s weird and confusing, and I think it hasn’t hit me quite yet. But, honestly, it’s Leah that I’m most worried about. She’s taking it really hard.”

“That’s to be expected, unfortunately. It was no easy thing what she went through—what you both went through,” the girl said. “It’s gonna take some time for her to feel normal again. At least a new version of normal. She’s gonna need us all, even if she thinks she wants to push us away.”

“I just wish she knew it wasn’t her fault. That no one blames her for what happened.”

“It’s gonna take some time, kid,” (Y/N) said as she hugged his side. “But we’ll be here. Every step of the way.”

Three hours felt like an eternity as the veil of grief draped itself over the Clearwater house. Even as they celebrated the life of Harry, the sadness was inevitable in the moment. It clung to the walls, to the floor, the very air they breathed. It was everywhere they went, even if no one had invited it in. Three hours was far too long for (Y/N). Three hours had been enough for her.

With a final walk around of condolences and sad smiles, (Y/N) decided she had reached her grief limit. As much as she wanted to spend more time with the family, she needed to be able to breathe. If she stayed any longer in that house, she was afraid she’d never be okay again.

But her day did not end once she left the funeral. She had promised Bella she would see her right after, and a part of her regretted agreeing to go all the way to Forks. There was nothing she could think of that could warrant Bella’s insistence that she visit her. (Y/N) knew it couldn’t be about Victoria because Jacob wouldn’t have left the girl’s side for a second. It couldn’t have been about Harry since she hadn’t gone to the funeral. The only thing that she could imagine was impossible and downright infuriating.

And yet, as she rounded the corner to Bella’s street, a car made her breath hitch in her throat. The black Mercedes was unmistakable, and just the sight of it made the girl’s heart hammer against her chest. Not only was it surprising that it was there, but that it was the first time she had heard about it.

Mixed feelings rushed through (Y/N)’s body as she got closer to the house. Just the idea of seeing him unnerved her. But she couldn’t quiet the part of her that hoped it was him behind the door, waiting, expecting her. She couldn’t stop the thought that he had come back for her, to tell her that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by letting her go. Still, that wasn’t the part that was winning in her mind.

Anger quickly surged to the top as she made her way to the front door. Words of ire and disappointment rapidly formed on her tongue, ready to be spat the second she saw golden eyes staring back at her. Because he shouldn’t have been there. He had no right.

“Bells?” (Y/N) called out, finding the door unlocked. “I’m here.”

Suddenly, a face she had seen one too many times appeared, worry splattered across her face like a stain. It wasn’t the one she was expecting, but it was a surprise, nonetheless.

Before she could say anything, Alice Cullen had her arms around (Y/N) as though no time had passed. It was borderline the softest touch and a bone-crushing hug all at the same time. There was only love and happiness coming from the vampire. But it was something (Y/N) couldn’t reciprocate.

“Alice,” she found herself whispering. Her voice came out in a hush, a tone so low only the supernatural would be able to hear it. “W-what’s going on? Why are you here?”

“Well, I thought Bella had died,” she said. “I had this vision that after the whole cliff diving fiasco, she didn’t make it out of the water. It wasn’t until I got here that I found out a wolf had saved her.”

“And you couldn’t have called?” (Y/N) asked, sounding colder than she intended. “One phone call could have cleared everything up.”

“I wasn’t really thinking,” Alice continued. “And then Rose told Edward what happened before I could confirm anything, and now he’s about to commit the dumbest mistake of his life.”

“Again, a phone call would work.”

“Oh, you know Edward won’t believe me until he sets eyes on her,” the girl dismissed, pa omg as her head raced with thought, oblivious to (Y/N)’s coldness. “Regardless, he’s not picking up his phone. Goodness, first, Carlisle goes missing as soon as we’re out of Forks, and now Edward wants to get killed. What is happening to this family?”

(Y/N) couldn’t hear anything after the mention of Carlisle’s name. I’m her head, he was thriving in life being a big shot head doctor at some other hospital, he was with his family being the mysterious Cullens somewhere else. But Alice had said he had disappeared. Over half a year had passed, and none of them had heard from their father figure. Not even Alice’s visions had seemed to help the situation.

“W-what do you mean Carlisle is missing?” (Y/N)’s voice broke Alice’s incessant rambling. “I thought he was with you.”

“Oh, no, (Y/N),” she brought her hands to her mouth. “I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t…”

“How could he just disappear, Alice? Where could he have gone to that none of you know where he is?”

“I don’t…”

“Oh, (Y/N)!” Bella called out as she rushed down her stairs, a backpack hanging from her shoulder. “I’m sorry, but we have to cut this visit short. I don’t know if Alice told you…”

“No,” she spat. “Alice hasn’t said much of anything. At least not anything of much importance.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, not only do I come here to find Alice after over six months of radio silence, but now I find out that no one in the family knows where Carlisle has gone.” His name rolling out of her tongue felt bittersweet. It made her heart flutter with the intensity of the bat of a million butterfly wings, but it made her stomach churn as though she’d been stuck at sea for too much time. It was refuge and terror all wrapped up in a beautiful word. “But I guess what interests you more is the fact that Edward thinks you’re dead.”

“I didn’t…,” Bella stammered before turning to the vampire. “You didn’t say Carlisle was missing. All you said was that it wasn’t him on the phone. Carlisle’s missing?”

“Look, I’m sorry. But he’s the least of my worries right now,” Alice exhaled. “Esme has been looking for him and has some good leads. Right now, I care about the fact that Edward is going to get himself killed by the Volturi in Italy. I wish this could have been a beautiful reunion, but it is what it is.”

“Bella, you know you don’t have to do this, right?” (Y/N) blurted. “You are not under the obligation of saving him after what he did to you.”

“I know,” the girl sighed. “But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try to help him live. As much as he hurt me, the love I have for him is far greater than our past. Wouldn’t you do the same for Carlisle?”

It should have been an easy answer. Yes. If it meant that Carlisle was alive and well, of course, she would have jumped on a plane and traveled around the world to save him. Yes. Three letters. One confirmation. That should have been easy to say.

But a voice inside her yelled no. As much as she loved and yearned for him, (Y/N) couldn’t say yes. Not when he had ripped her heart to shreds purposefully. Not when he had said things he’d never be able to take back. She should have said no. Just no.

“I don’t know,” she said instead. “Maybe I’m not as strong as you.”

“No,” Bella smiled softly, taking (Y/N)’s hands in hers. “You’re stronger.”

“Just be careful out there, Bells. Even if they don’t return, come home.”

“I promise,” she said. “And I’m sure Carlisle is okay. Esme will find him soon enough.”

“He can take care of himself. I’m more worried about you,” (Y/N) said, squeezing Bella’s hands comfortingly before turning to Alice. “You better make sure nothing happens to her. Leaving us is one thing. But if anything else happens to Bella under your watch, that’s gonna be unforgivable.”

“She’ll be safe, I promise,” the vampire peeped, a shake in her voice that almost sounded like she was terrified. “I won’t let anything happen to her.”

Turning back around, (Y/N) continued. “Be safe, Bella,” she said as she took the girl in for a tight hug. “And I’ll make sure your dad is safe and doesn’t get too angry about your impromptu trip.”

“Thank you, (Y/N),” she chuckled softly. “Whatever happens, we’ll always have the Cullen Discard Club.”

“Best club to be in,” (Y/N) laughed. “Now, go. And be safe.”

(Y/N) wanted to stop Bella. Shake the girl until she finally saw reason. But she couldn’t lie, she understood. As she watched the black car disappear down the road, she couldn’t help the worry that overtook her body as she thought back to Carlisle. She couldn’t help but wonder where he had gone to hide, if he was safe, if he had fed.

It took everything in her to close the Swan door behind her and go back to her home. There was nothing she could do for him anymore, that much she knew. But there was an itch inside her that begged to find him, that called on her to make sure he was okay. It was the same voice she shared with Bella. The love you could only have for someone that had infected your soul.

When she got back, her house was quiet, and it was just what she needed—silence. It allowed her to just be, to just feel—no judgment or anger—just silence. It was so quiet that as she removed her coat, a piece of paper fell from the pocket and clattered softly against the ground.

With genuine interest, (Y/N) picked it up and wondered how it had gotten there until she read it.

This is Esme’s number. Just in case you wanted it.

I truly am sorry for everything.

-Alice

(Y/N) didn’t know when the vampire had written the letter—not that, with her speed, she would have ever noticed—but a small part of her was grateful for it.

That night, she went to bed staring at the piece of paper, wondering what she would do with it. She could have picked it up and called Esme, gathered as much information as she could to help in her search, joined her in New York, and turned it upside down until they could find him. Then again, she could have done absolutely nothing at all.

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