#eric fucking Theodore cartman

[alyolyy]

South Park meme inspired by this video https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAJaDbhoF4y/?igsh=MTFvMTgwejZkaXNxYg==

(Also it was a Twitter trend)

[mrswagtastic]

Being a south park fan is kinda fucked up because there I am just humming a little tune that's stuck in my head and someone comes up to me and asks "OH hey that sounds nice what song is it?" And I'm standing there not knowing how to explain its a song sung by Eric Theodore Cartman himself from the hit American animated comedy South Park about him wanting racial minorities out of his water park

[alaskan-wallflower]

people who say cartman would be afraid of horror movies…why?

he’s killed a kid’s parents and force fed them to said kid. he’s organized the equivalent of the holocaust. (twice if you count both passion of the jew and ginger kids) he’s done so much fucked up shit and yall think he’s afraid of horror movies? like nah, he’d probably be watching true crime documentaries to plot how he’s gonna murder kyle or some shit like there’s no way THE ERIC THEODORE CARTMAN would be afraid of horror movies.

[moth-related-inquiries]

moots gonna find me crazy for this one, but Eric Cartman and Babysitter! Reader ‼️‼️‼️

i love when cartman acts like an actual child and not a war criminal *chefs kiss* like if he wasn't a little evil dickhead I'd totally babysit him 🫶

-♡ he absolutely DESPISED you at first. He got really upset with his mom for leaving him with some random person.

-♡ After like a month of basically torture, Eric started to go easy on you after realizing he actually enjoys the time you guys spend together.

-♡ This turned into him trying to take you literally everywhere.

-like you will take him to school and walk him up to the entrance, and he will literally drag you through the building.

-Genuinely enjoys showing you off like you're some grand prize and bragging about how cool you are compared to everyone elses babysitters.

-He cried and squealed at Mr. Garrison's door because you couldn't attend class with him.

-♡ Despite loving showing you off, Eric HATES sharing you.

-He thinks you guys are best friends so he would genuinely feel upset about you babysitting anyone else (especially Kyle) and make up some elaborate plan to get you fired.

-It backfires terribly.

-literally wont even share you with Mr. Kitty. 😭😭😭

-♡ Yall have sleepovers literally every week.

- Matching Pajamas. Say no, and he'll throw a tantrum in front of EVERYONE.

- Hear me on this one!!!!! Skincare routine. You suggested it as a treat one night after he brushed his teeth on his own, and he immediately picked up the routine.

-♡ You take him to your house every now and then (literally almost every week) just so Liane can have some privacy.

-This little asshole will literally raid your entire fridge and pantry in a matter of one day if you do not specifically tell him you bought a meal for him.

-he has his own designated minifridge now in order to encourage him to not raid yours 😭

-Yall will fr play dressup and pretend you're vogue models.

-And then play Thunder Cats (he wins everytime because he beats the shit out of your hand with his figure.)

-he basically adopts your cat (if you own one)

-♡ You're basically his other parent figure.

-Has accidentally called you mom or dad multiple times. 😭

-yall only talk about it when he's upset about not knowing his dad or upset about Liane potentially not wanting him anymore.

-♡ For this reason he literally adores being carried like a little baby.

-he gets SO upset if you can't carry him anymore.

-will literally cling onto your leg crying about you being fatphobic because he's just too big to carry now.

-if you give him the mom glare, he will give it back to you with even more hate-filled energy.

-♡ If yall go to big or crowded places, you literally have to put him in one of those backpack leashes. 😭😭

-ten years old, and he will still try his damndest to reach around and unclip it while you're not looking.

-"stupid bitch thinks I'm not gonna-"

-he pinched himself on it and immediately started bawling his eyes out like someone just cut his finger off.

-yall got ice cream afterward, so it's ok, but he's gonna try and do it again if he gets bored.

-♡God forbid you take him out to swim.

-he will call you the most vile names if he thinks your swimsuit is too revealing or your swimtrunks don't hide anything.

-will literally tell you to cover up and forcibly wrap his towel around you. 😭

-sends the meanest most hateful glares to anyone looking at you or checking you out while you tan.

-will literally walk up to some random unattended beach towel, bury it in the sand, and pretend like nothing happened.

-actively kicks down sand castles for fun but gets so pissed off if his are messed up.

-"cmon, y/n, let's find this fucking hippie" "that's not very nice, Eric" "girl."

-will side eye you so hard if you just lay under an umbrella reading a book.

-"Why are we even here if you're gonna be reading porn the whole tim-" "ERIC THEODORE CARTMAN!"

this was really fun ngl I might write one with Butters cause he deserves a parent figure more than Cartman 🫶 either way I wanna put them both in my pocket.

[bloogers-boogers]

Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman

"Cartman, your girlfriend's a freak!"

Part 1 >

Summary:

Kyle discovers Cartman's new partner is into feedism and he has all reason to get involved.

Eventually:

"why can't you listen?! Why don't you care?! Why is it always me who has to fix your problems!"

"No one is asking you to fix me, Kahl!"

"You are! You are by acting dismissive over it when you DO care!"

"I don't! She's all I have! She's the best thing I could ever get."

"What about me?!!"

Warning ⚠️: this is a sp fic you could either expect the worse or the best! So beware if you proceed to read the following content 🙏

Author’s note: the narration of the story would be mimicking the way Cartman was storytelling in that one Christmas creatures story he wrote. So if you guys wonder why it’s kinda wacky that’s why! C:

------———————

It was a Monday morning, the sun rising and the light blooming each corner of the trees, streets and buildings. As four boys walked pass the streets heading straight to school. It would've been a normal day if they had met in the bus stop as usual however Randy took Stan that same night for a weed business trip in middle of a sleepover so they also had tagged along. Free employees! for Randy so he said.

What a annoying night for the teens, but not much to complain besides groan and act bitter to their raven friend instead. Regretting not just taking their usual hangout spot which was always at Cartman's place.

"Main bitch out your league too, ah

Side bitch out of your league too, ah~" the brunette sang out shamelessly, a slight smile while moving his hands with the mumbling beat of his own voice.

"Can you stop singing, fatass? I have a fucking headache from last night." Complained the only redhead of the group.

Ever wonder why they all have conveniently diffrent hair colors to difference each other and yet, matched color palettes for clothing that go well with one another? Nah, who thinks about that. They look good together, so the group remains the same! Just switch the coats for hoodies and the pants for jeans. If you want extra, the raven boy has updated for no hat and the ginger for a pair of sneakers instead of boots.

Heights from the tallest to smallest, redhead to raven, blonde and lastly brunette. For the misfortune of the last one ofcourse.

Constant teasing and for what? For a couple of inches extra? Nope. Because he's an ass. That's the reason, and because it's funny.

"For your information I don't care," replied, Cartman as he continued to sway his body from side to side.

Aka shortest, drastically fattest, "you think life is hard? I'm wearing size 13 Nikes", only motherfucker that could kill and would; just for funsies. A loser. But a dangerous one, THE Eric Theodore Cartman a fatherless boy with a crack whore of a mom, "I'm tying to put you in the worst mood, ah-!" he hummed out loud, even louder then before to annoy his friends.

With a long and dragged groan, "way to go, Kyle. You made it worse," Stan complained as he pinched his nose in frustration.

Aka the second tallest, Mr. "I'm part of the football team but never the captain", average weight, depressed homie who would get bailed on the moment he stops acting chill about it. Deadbeat singer. A lover boy and hippie. Stoner without the weed. The "leader" of his gang of friends, Stan (Stanley) Marsh.

"What did I do?!" Kyle exclaimed offended but not really. Too tired to care or actually make a big deal about it.

Aka tallest, average weight with a little tone of muscle in his arms, jewish (apparently important enough to mention for the fat one), "temper bitch with no chicks", looks like a nerd is actually a high graded student but would bail school for his friends. Would beat your ass if you cross his ground or brake his ego. Seriously. He would. Ask Cartman. Wait, don't, he'll lie about it. Anyways, this is Kyle Broflovski.

"Mhmp! Mhmp mhmp," muffled Kenny under his hoodie.

Aka third tallest atleast he's not the shortest!, slightly underweight, "what's that miles away? A arrow? Lighting? Bullet? Nope, it's Michael Myers about to hunt him down", hard worker but slacks from time to time, a stoner with very high grades but no effort. Wise for his age but cries at nights. Fatalities over 100! Kenny (Kenneth) McCormick.

"Nuh-Uh!," Cartman denied with a skeptical frown, "that's not possible poor boy," a slight pause before leaning his head closer to his other friends, "...right?"

Stan and Kyle just shrugged not caring much.

Cartman remained silent as a car swoop there blonde friend off the ground and dragged him to the nearest gasoline station where it comically explodes as he landed just inches apart from the actual gas.

Well there goes Kenny for the day.

They continued their pace as they finally arrived school. Doing their usual thing as changing their books and closing their lockers before entering class.

First period went smoothly while second period in comparison had multiple shootings heard from the hallways, the teens remained unfazed while they were lectured about historical facts they genuinely didn't care about, some listened, some acted like they did and others just slept through class.

Ofcourse Cartman was one of those who slept in. He felt a couple of pokes on his side. He frowned annoyed while swaying his hand in the air for whoever is pestering him to stop. He didn't bother to look up.

"Fatass stop slacking in class," Kyle hissed in a whisper.

Cartman smiled devilish as he recognized that well familiar voice.

"Meh meh meh meh," he mocked still eyes shut and had no plans on moving from his comfortable position.

As expected, Kyle punched him hard on the arm.

"OWE!" Cartman whined out loud, rubbing his arm that was now aching in pain.

"Mr. Cartman care to explain why you interrupted my class?," The teacher scold. Now attention all on him.

"It was Kahl!" Cartman cried out loud while glaring at his redheaded friend.

"I would never," Kyle commented sarcastically as he rolled his eyes looking at the ceiling innocently.

They all knew who the teacher favored.

Something they all first noticed in their first year of highschool. Was how their history teacher put her immediate attention on Broflovski. At first, Kyle denied it but then he got curious and intentionally wrote wrong all his answers and yet STILL A's a exam. He was shocked but actually felt proud that he can pull a whole grown woman to pine for him with out even trying. Creepy, but cool because he can get away with a lot of shit in her class.

"Eric, I beg you to keep quiet while I lecture, do you understand?"

Cartman roll his eyes knowing Kyle's so call "charm" on their teacher. So there was no point on manipulating the situation to his favor.

"Yes, Ms. Thrust ontitts," he replied bashing his eyelashes innocently.

"Very well, let's continue."

He grips his hand on to the side of his chair, and jumps closer to Kyle's side as he moves, "way to use your jew scooties on crib jumper."

Kyle rolled his eyes, still, he leans his head closer to Cartman's, "better than not having anyone pay attention to you, lardass."

Cartman scoffed but arched a brow as he tried thinking of a better combat. He smiled before saying the first thing that came in mind, "rather have no one than someone that's nearly applying for a elderly home."

"Atleast she's pension."

"Atleast I won't be wiping ass."

"Atleast I'm touching ass."

"Atleast changing diapers won't be a routine."

Kyle gripped his fingers on to his desk, biting his lip trying to come up with something else but failed.

"Fuck you."

"Just try," Cartman teased as he stuck his tongue out childishly. Moving back to his place triumphantly.

Kyle cheeks heated by just his stupidity, then because the image actually popped up inside his head.

"Agh. Gross," Kyle let out as he shaked his head trying to get the image out of his brain.

Embarrassingly turned on by it too.

Cartman snickered, side eyeing his friend. Pleased by the reaction. Oblivious of the other's repressed thoughts.

During lunch period Kyle remained defeated as he slumped his head on to the table. Frustrated that he couldn't get the image of Cartman on fours out of his head.

Yeah, that's his life now. So desperate to find love, so touched starve for physical attention that he is now delusional enough to imagine his rival remotely attractive while positioned under him.

What else could go wrong for him?

He dragged his hands on to his face sliding them down to the sides of his chin still not believing how betrayed he feels by his own perturbed mind.

The thing is, he managed to effortlessly pull a grown ass woman he has zero attention on, to like him. But any girl his age doesn't even bat a eye when crossing paths. It's like a damn curse he can't get rid of.

He's tried but no luck. He always thought his looks were average. He has a great personality. What else do they want?

He scratched his scalp while processing whatever shit load his brain is dumping on him as Stan just eyes him while eating a burger.

You'd think his only concerns would be the fact that he's literally picturing indecent shit about Cartman. But no, that's far from it. To be honest this is mild compare to what he has to endure with his sexually frustrated brain.

Hormones has been his worst enemy these past years. And yet, unlike his other friends he hasn't score anything.

He's not sure if it's the thought that all his friends has done it, and when he means by "it" he means the big S word. Sex.

Well, if you include Cartman he's technically not alone but c'mon that's basically expected from that fat bastard.

So he's technically screwed if he's on his level on not being good enough to be fucked.

He scratched his head in desperation as he sighed.

Stan patted his back in understanding. He has already told Stan a year prior about feeling insecure with it. However, the other only told him the most basic, corny ass shit he could think of "only time will define and just don't feel pressure about it. It's not a big deal", then backtrack it all after scoring with Wendy a week after.

"Dude you're missing out big time, you HAVE to try it," those words echoed his head, and been echoing his head since their middle grade years.

He scratched again angrily before finally deciding to eat his almost forgotten food.

He eyes Cartman basically undressing him. Spiteful. In his defense he started it for just even suggesting that possibility. So he deserves to be ridiculed in this way. Technically this is harmless because it's a internal thought but it feels vengeful in a way. A way he can tolerate and accept he is fact being turned on by his rival.

Another thing he's been questioning in a battle.

His sexuality.

He's not sure if he's into women or men. There's only been a few exceptions when it comes to feeling remotely attracted to both those genders and he doesn't know why.

They're always specific and never spontaneous. He can't simply fall attracted to someone he just met or eyes as pretty. He REALLY has to know what he's dealing with first, and then attraction hits.

But nooooooo Mr. Broflovski here is also picky.

His perfect suit is smart, courageous feisty women. That's basically his personal pick. But at this point he'd go for anything.

Not Cartman though. He doesn't know why his brain in bugging right now.

But Cartman does seem to go for...

He stands up abruptly, startling his friends as he picks up his tray and went to place it in its bin before heading out of the cafeteria. Stan already following behind.

That's enough with thinking.

"Kyle, you okay dude?" Stan asked concerned, hands inside his pockets walking alongside him.

"Yeah, it's been just one of those weird days y'know?" He tried dismissing his thoughts away, focusing on his best friend.

"Yeah, I get that.. like-"

"Oh brother not this shit again," Kyle thought, fighting the urge to not roll his eyes. Isolating himself from the conversation while Stan finishes ranting about his break up with Wendy which was like three months ago and how he misses her.

He eyes the posters plastered on the walls as they walked pass them. Holes everywhere as the previous shooting had already ended but had left drastic but not too drastic damage.

He sighed, crossing his arms as he had stopped waiting for Stan to drink some water from the water fountain before continuously walking the hallways aimlessly as he ranted wanting to get back with her.

His concerns were not suppose to be a big deal, but he made them a big deal. And for what?

Unnecessary stress? They're other more important things to think about and here he was just worrying about being a virgin after graduating.

He never felt so unwanted. Pathetic, definitely pathetic and disappointed.

Maybe if his friends didn't rushed themselves to pass that huge step. Maybe he wouldn't be so worried about it. Maybe if they didn't push him into doing it he wouldn't think about it so much.

Maybe he wouldn't care so much if they all just didn't grow up so soon.

The day already has ceased to it's end, as Kyle dramatically lays on his bed in a position people would normally find funny. His head rested on his pillow while his left arm was folded to his side next to his head, fist against his forehead. His legs spread apart while his other arm was extended to the edge of the bed. His belly exposed as his shirt was slightly lifted to the side of his abdomen.

But Kyle was devastated, exhausted and annoyed mostly.

He huffed before falling asleep.

[c00pswhore]

South Park headcanons

these are my personal takes pls dont burn me with a torch <3

edit: was written and posted before s26 ep 5

Main 4 and Butters!

Stan is “the boy next door” trope and that is one of the millions of reasons he hates living on the farm

SPECIFICALLY: because it makes him the stereotypical redneck that lives in a small town and happens to live on a farm.

Wendy is the one who introduced him to the trope in the first place because she was "the girl next door and my boyfriend is the boy next door!!"

He wasn't really big on books and took Wendy literally hence moving away from Wendy totally convinced him they were over.

He cried about it until Wendy showed up for game night (board games) and she was gushing about the boy next door moving "fit perfectly" for their relationship.

Then they broke up over a game of monopoly (they usually get back together over the weekend)

Shelly found out about his hidden alcohol and then immediately showed him her stash. She still threatened to snitch because he was too young to be drinking.

He and Shelly have a game where they take a shot every time Randy says something about weed.

Randy's middle initial is S, I like to believe that his middle name is Stanley, and Stan is named after him :P

Stan’s middle name is Francis because that was Sharon's first option but Randy thought it would be hilarious if all of them had S in their names.

Eric "Theodore" Cartman makes fun of Stan for his middle name because "Fuck kind of name is Francis??"

Kyle has refused to utter his middle name to anyone. Not even Stan. Apparently it starts with a U.

The boys only know this because once when they were playing over at Kyle's house and his cousin Kyle's family came to visit and Sheila was calling for Kyle to get his cousin to join them.

Kyle didn't answer the first few times so when Shelia burst into his room and started yelling "Kyle U-" Broflovski screamed and followed her to the living room, leaving the other 3 in absolute bewilderment.

Kyle's middle name is Uziah. His parents call him that ONLY when family comes to visit because of his cousin Kyle S. or when he's in HUGE trouble.

Whenever his cousin first came to visit, he begged his mom not to call him by his middle name because

1. Cartman 2. Cartman and 3. Cartman

So Kyle 2 was settled that fateful day.

Kyle plays knight's in training with his knighted brother because he secretly thinks it's so cool.

Like he sat and read up on everything he could learn about Canadian knight's for Ike just to make their play more accurate. And he will never admit it to anyone.

Kenny's middle name is Logan. Cartman claims that his middle name is the most common name for poor people.

Kenny got his first phone (iPhone 7) from Kyle and all of his usernames use his middle name

Logang.McC1 is his main iteration and he absolutely cyberbullies anyone who interacts from the Logan Paul side of the internet

Also laughs at Cartman for getting pissed off that Kenny doesn't care if his middle name is for poor people because again, Logan Paul is living proof it isn't.

Kenny knows sign language and is fluent. He has selective mutism due to trauma (negligent parents, immortal, foster care) and uses it to talk.

Sometimes he just doesn't wanna talk and he'll just start signing and nobody knows what he said. Ironically.

Taught Butters sign language to solely shit talk Cartman with him.

Cartman swears that he can feel them talking about him, but doesn't care enough to learn to find out.

Kyle and Stan know some basic communication signs and they use it sparingly. Otherwise they'll just text him.

Kenny and Karen have a secret language that they speak to each other in.

It started whenever their parents would get drunk/high and start to fight, which scared Karen, so Kenny invented their secret language to make her laugh without drawing too much attention to them.

Kenny loves playing tea time and princesses with Karen (hence why he loves being Princess Kenny) even though they don't have all the materials

The reason the other boys don't laugh at Kenny for being into "girly" things is because Clyde made the mistake of laughing at him, after going to get him to play superhero's and 15 ish mins later in Cartman's basement Mysterion showed up and beat the actual shit out of Mosquito.

Cartman is currently attempting to convince Liane to get their house open and going for extra money to move out.

Liane told him to make a unique hot dog and maybe she would consider it.

Cartman determined to revive Cartman Burgers (R.I.P) came up with his world "famous" chili dog recipe.

Liane was mortified that Cartman even considered using chili and told him never mind.

He was pissed off for weeks.

Cartman is surprisingly good at cooking, and before his untimely demise, he used to cook for Clyde Frog.

When he isn't being a complete psychopath, Cartman streams and records on Twitch for money, using his hotdog house as guilt bait.

The only people who watch are the Boys and they all make fun of him in the chat. He always reads them out loud and cusses them out.

Cartman uploads clips of his twitch streams to TikTok, as a joke to make fun of Kyle, and they blew up.

The reason? Fat kid screaming at chat for bullying him and uses racist remarks as a comeback. Perfect gamer material.

His Twitch channel now has 1,000 subs and a dedicated subreddit.

The boys were initially jealous, but laugh whenever they find out Cartman started the subreddit.

Cartman's dream job at one point was to be a sniper.

Butters loves Kyle's afro because his parents only let him have shaved sides.

Butters hair naturally is sorta wavy so he harasses Kyle about his hair routine. Kyle told Butters he had one more time before he would karate chop the shit out of him. (Kyle ended up spilling his 35 step care routine though)

Butters and Stan both have honorary access to the girls board game club and Butters only goes to offer Stan moral support

Butters, Kyle and Stan all stay after school for football and soccer practice and he usually invites the two boys over to his house to watch Terrance and Phillip.

Butters got his nickname because his hair is the color of Butter.

JK: In preschool he brought a stick of butter for show and tell and tried to explain that it was his pet butterfly, because earlier that week his father told him the butter flies joke.

Butters joins Kenny and Karen sometimes for princesses and tea but he dresses up as a pretty ballerina.

That's all I got really. :P

[gracieblood]

south park is so funny what do you mean eric fucking theodore cartman is a canon cross dresser and yaoi enjoyer

[numbknee]

14, 19, 22 👀✨

hey gurl heyyyy

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

Cartman having heterochromia. I think it’s a neat headcanon but for some reason I myself prefer him with brown eyes, like a lil’ puppy 🥺 that way he can use his deceptive cuteness for manipulation 😈

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

Eric Theodore FUCKING Cartman. I don’t think I’m gonna get over how much I genuinely adore his character when I so vehemently despised him before. Past me would have a fucking stroke if she caught me writing the shit I write about him now lmao

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

(Piggybacking off my prev answer for 22) I wrote this in the tags of another post but Kyle and Cartman’s kidney transplant scars!! Based on how the surgery is usually performed, Kyle would have a scar on his lower right abdomen and Cartman would have the same on his left. Also did you know when they transplant kidneys they don’t take the old ones out?? They stopped doing that cuz it caused too much bleeding so if they’re not causing problems (other than not doing their job filtering blood), they just leave the shitty kidneys in there. So Kyle’s chillin with 3 kidneys inside him lol

[todommy]

A bit of reference from Pewdiepie? I guess..

[southposting]

Cartman arrives at an inopportune time

[dumbpast-blog]

:(

[southernsorcery]

Eric Cartman Application

MUN INFO: Name: tiffany Age: 25 Pronouns: they/them

MUSE INFO: Name: Eric Theodore Cartman Age (Main 4 are about 20): 21 Gender: Cismale Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Very Demisexual Height: 5'7" Birthday: July 1st Occupation: tbd,,,, Residence: Pythonissam Parco

Witch, Human or Beast?: Witch Witch Type: Cradle Witch Magic Type: Hereditary Magic

5 headcanons surrounding your muse: - Thinks the witch world should just wage war already, it’d be an easy win.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ - Has been going to therapy for the last ~10 years. We can all thank Butters for dragging him there in the first place, though now he goes both out of habit and his own personal want to. He’s made significant progress from when he was a child but like with most things along these lines, he messes up from time to time. Progress is a slippery slope. - Doesn’t have the best opinion of beasts either.. They’re just animals for the most part… This therapist is working on his shitty ideals. At least he thinks better of familiars by now…. - We can sum up the things that Eric likes most as fine wine and cats. He has 3 cats that he’s adopted through the years, often because he gets too stressed and this is one of his better coping mechanisms. - Has a natural talent for fire magic, though sometime when he gets too angry he can accidentally light things on fire. Damn volatile emotions….

A short sample of how you portray your muse (Please include dialogue!!): Context is a hero au:

Missions were exhausting. Caring to such an extent? Putting on a pretty persona whenever he came across civilians while out? Fucking exhausting.. He was tired. Emotionally, physically, the evening had been exhausting. Why’d he still do this shit?? Honestly? Who fucking knew. Some fucked up need for attention and approval, praise and validation, shit he didn’t get much of but from his therapist when he’d had a good week rather than getting mad and slurring at some poor dickbag that didn’t _really_ deserve it. It sucked.. Sob, sob, sob, and all that shit. Pity the poor arrogant boy with his issues wrapped so tightly around his head, he’s all alone and it’s all his fault. Blah, blah..

He throws off his mask and unlatches the cape, letting both drop to the floor unceremoniously. He’d get them tomorrow. Or whenever he felt like it or needed them next. Whichever came first honestly. Eric makes it to the bedroom, pushing the door open and drops himself onto the mattress. He sinks into it, maybe a bit much for his liking, but maybe it was just a touchy day. He’d played nice with too many people today and then got his ass kicked by some rat fuck with spandex up his ass, not like he wasn’t also some bastard with spandex up his ass. Stupid fucking superhero bullshit. He was tired. Maybe tomorrow he’d stop doing all this shit. Maybe. Maybe after he slept a while.

[gcnedark]

" Here's a list of the top 10 things I hate. Because fuck it.

10 , when you take a shower with a band-aid on and that fucking shit just becomes stuck to your skin ? All dark and shit.

9 , stubbing my toe. I swear to God , I could be walking by anything and I'll slam my toe into a goddamn tank.

8 , being stabbed. Just explains itself doesn't it ?

7 , dolls. No thank you I do not wish to be cursed you hunk of plastic.

6 , The exorcist. That girl has always scared me and she never will stop scaring me.

5 , animals. Hey , they're not number one ! Shocking , I know. But there's things worse than these things.

4 , video calls. Back when we were playing that phone destroyer game and they face timed me I was just real nervous and I hated it.

3 , losing interest in a song. I could love a song so much then three days later I've drained all emotion from it and it's so hard to find another good song.

2 , being shot. Obvious.

And number one is - Eric Theodore Cartman. "

[ask-hormonalrhetorical]

So working with Eric Theodore Cartman was the only way to achieve your goals? Lammmeee

Kenny: Okay so you guys are smart enough to figure out who it is. I knew working with Cartman would’ve been bad, but Cartman always gets what he wants in the end, and I was so sure he wouldn’t fuck this up. And he did, and he’s very bitter over how they’ve all treated him.

[jewpacabruhs]

eric theodore cartman gives me fucking anxiety.

o constant fucken mood, bein a cartman stan is 24/7 stress

[comeondowntosouthparkrpg-blog]

Eric Cartman

out of character info

Name/Alias: Tots

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 19

Join Our Discord: lmao already in here tho

Timezone: EST

Activity: depends on my mood- but on a good day I can be about an 8

Triggers: n/a

Password: Jwimmy can fwast pass mwy awss uwu

Character that you’re applying for: Eric Cartman

Favourite ships for your character: Eric x getting kicked in the balls really fucking hard

in character info

Full name: Erin Theodore Cartman

Birthday: July 1st

Sexuality, gender, pronouns: bisexual, male, he/him

Age and grade: 17, senior

Appearance: Super BUFF, mega RIPPED, hella HAWT-

Puberty and a lack of hygiene hit Eric Cartman like a baseball bat to a toddler’s teeth. Eric’s skin is greasy and pimply, his brown eyes are beady and swallowed by fat, he constantly smells of fast food and BO, his clothing is usually grimey and stained by food, his hair, while a pleasing auburn shade, is short and greasy. Whatever facial structure he could have had is hidden under double chins and years of bad eating. It’s as round as the rest of him. He has no neck, it’s just a layer of fat flopped over his shoulders.

Eric is short, standing at 5ft 5 inches. Due to a lack of self control he’s morbidly obese. His knees hurt when he walks and anything more physical than a slow pace makes him pour sweat and pant like a dog.

When Eric is attempting to manipulate someone or is dressing up to pull a scheme, he pulls out all the stops with wearing nice clothes and as clean as humanly possible. Otherwise however, he does not give two shits. Afterall, why bother spending time showering when you can use that time to eat more KFC?

Eric’s wardrobe never changed, plain pants and tshirts are still his signature clothing style. In an attempt to make Eric more independant, Liane tried insisting Eric wash his own clothes. Eric instead refused to do so and chooses to continue wearing his dirty clothes until she can’t stand the sight or smell anymore and washes his clothes for him. It’s a recurring, endless cycle.

Despite all this, Eric continues to be under the delusion that he is a complete and utter chick magnet that makes all pussies in a 200 square foot radius wet. He’s convinced that there’s nothing wrong with his appearance and that he’s insanely good looking.

Personality: Eric could have been a good person. He had the potential inside him at one point before his anger and vileness took over.

Now, Eric is complete and utter, irredeemable flaming human garbage. He is racist, abusive, quick to anger and never thinks ahead unless it stands to benefit him. He constantly lies and looks to see how he can make any situation make him better. Eric can and will do anything he possibly can to get his way no matter what.

Eric is wildly self centered and can’t stand the idea of anyone around him not wanting to be at his beck and call. He’s broken in his mother to obeying his every whim and becomes enraged when she tries to put her foot down. He is a master manipulator and does not care one bit about anyone around him whatsoever. Eric truly does not feel empathy for people around him- he is the stereotype of a dangerous sociopath.

Eric thinks nothing of people around him, seeing a person cry and be hurt makes him laugh like nothing else. He is a genuine racist and hates Jews- thinking the absolute worst of them. Because of a lack of romantic and sexual endeavors he could consider successful, Eric’s developed incel and neckbeard like tendencies and ways of thinking, feeling like the world owes him sex and love and that he’s such a ‘nice guy’ that is sooo much better than all these other Chads and deserves to be surrounded by pussy. He doesn’t seem to think that his vile way of thinking and language has anything to do with his lackluster love life.

Perhaps what makes Eric so dangerous is the fact that he can be amazingly charismatic. He genuinely has good leadership skills and can masterfully weave words together when he’s actually thinking about it. He has an amazing knack for seeing a person’s weakness and exploiting it. While Eric may not be book smart, he can read and play people like a fiddle.

Eric does have some insecurities about himself but he’s buried them so deep down inside that he doesn’t realize that they’re there.

History: Eric was born and raised by Liane Cartman, a genuinely sweet single mother despite her drug addiction. She tried her hardest to raise Eric well, but as Eric grew older he became worse and worse.

For the first years of his life, he was simply a whiny and argumentative brat but as time went by he began to learn manipulation skills and started to think less and less of the people around him. His first signs of something being off about him was the way he treated his pets and his own mother. Eventually this bled into how he treated his friends and the people around him. Why Stan, Kenny and Kyle bothered with him is anybody’s guess.

Eric has a criminal record but jail seems to have not made any lasting impact on him whatsoever. He’s simply more careful about getting caught by the law. Don’t forget that Eric got away with murder when he was just ten years old. He has no morals whatsoever.

With Marvel’s continued success, Eric also continued his superhero persona. Although he claimed to be a hero fighting for justice, it’s plainly obvious to anyone with any brain cells that this is just another scheme to try and make money and bolster his own image.

Eric’s impulsivity, manipulative ways and anger issues only continued to grow as time went on. While there’s been few additions to his criminal record, the list of crimes and wrongdoings he’s committed is beyond endless. Eric Cartman doesn’t particularly have any dreams for when high school is over which intensely worries Liane. He seems perfectly content to laze around with his mother at his every beck and call.

Whatever the future holds for Eric Cartman, it’s not going to be good for anyone around him.

Sample paragraph: “Kyle you DIRTY, FILTHY FUCKING JEW!” Cartman shrieked, shoving his phone into his supposed ‘friend’s face. “I KNOW you’re running this piece of shit blog WITHOUT ME.”

The Eavesdropper. A gossip blog run by an anonymous group of people who exposed the citizens of South Park’s deepest secrets. It held power. It held influence.

And Eric was completely, and utterly furious that he wasn’t on it.

“I bet you’re just keeping me out so that you can write all the nasty shit you want about me don’t you!? What else would I expect from a nasty fucking ginger, twink jew like you.” He sneered, pulling the phone away and stuffing it into his pocket. “So here’s how this is going to go down. YOU are going to tell your little gossip friends about how AMAZING and AWESOME Eric Cartman is and THEN you’re going to get me onto the group.”

The ability to be able to spread whatever gossip he wanted about anyone he wanted? Well sure he could do that whenever he wanted but this was a platform. It already had most of the work done for him. “And now, I know what you’re thinking- ‘Why would I ever let Eric join? He’s just so awesome and amazing that I know he’d outshine me in a second’. Well this is why Kyle. If you don’t, I’m going to tell everyone in this school that you are gay for Stan. Yeah. You’re fucking gay for him. I’ll tell everyone. And it’ll make everything super awkward between you and him. Maybe I’ll even fake a few kissy faggy love notes so that shit will never be the same between you two.”

His grin was wide and sickly. That would be a good threat. The embarrassment of it and the potential ruin of Kyle’s friendship with his closest and longest lasting pal was more than enough. Erin licked his lips, they tasted like grease from last night’s dinner. Kyle was below him. He was stupid and just another pawn to Eric.

If he didn’t do this- well, Eric could easily find another way to make him.

Headcanons: Eric may be bi but like, hes still super homophobic. Apparently gay activities are only acceptable if he’s doing it.

Anything else: Eric is going to say and do a lot of genuinely horrible things so warning at you dudes about that.