#erdtree avatar

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking All Elden Ring Bosses by Fuckability

It was only a matter of time until I made a post like this. (And an equally horrible post featuring the DLC bosses.)

In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with and are not actively trying to kill you.

Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate.

It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.

Explanation of Grading system:

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.

Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

Dragonkin Soldier:

Mindless beast

Astel, Naturalborn of the Void

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Fia's Champions:

Ghosts, simps.

Regal Ancestor Spirit

Animal

Erdtree Avatar

A plant

Great Wyrm Theodorix

Mindless beast.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

A plant, no junk

Tibia Mariner:

Skeleton

Red Wolf of the Champion:

Animal.

Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Abductor Virgin

First off, just some snakes in a robot. Second, virgin.

Erdtree Burial Watchdog

Stone gargoyle

Crystalians

Non-organic

Mad Pumpkin Heads

Unable to consent due to madness.

Cemetery Shade

Unable to consent due to mind controlling parasite.

Spirit-Caller Snail

Animal

Runebear

Animal

Miranda the Blighted Bloom

A plant

Guardian Golem

Stone gargoyle

Starscourge Radahn:

Unable to consent due to madness

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Elden Beast:

Too catholic.

Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing:

Dick game weak - unironically posts joker memes.

Omenkiller:

Basically a cop.

Necromancer Garris:

Killed his family, not a good husband.

Royal Revenant:

Won't stop screaming (in an unsexy way)

Godrick the Grafted:

Incel - Also all that murder and torture business but mostly the Incel stuff.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

Valiant Gargoyle:

Could probably have sex if it wanted to, but is kinda going through a lot right now. Ya know, that whole "Is made of several corpses mashed together" thing.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella:

Look, I ALSO wanted her to higher up on this list, but let's be honest here. Her body is rotting and falling apart, she just isn't up for sex in her current form. In her prime? She'd be top of the list. She's the daughter of Marika and Radagon, she'd be playing fuck/marry/kill with every warrior who crossed her path. (in that order)

Death Rite Bird:

I think it might be physically capable of sex, but is too busy burning corpses to bother with stuff like that.

Black Blade Kindred:

Same reason as the Valiant Gargoyle but you might have like 2% more of a chance because they are goth.

Maliketh, the Black Blade:

Would normally be a sex god, but is too religious. Probably took a vow about this sort of thing.

Morgott, the Omen King:

You kidding me? This guy has the same energy as a repressed youth pastor. He's gonna be a virgin till the day he dies. The dude sided with the same religious order that locked him a sewer and tried to kill him. He's not out there getting phone numbers he's too busy praying and judging others for their 'impure thoughts'.

Draconic Tree Sentinel:

Married to his job, also physically chained to his horse. He ain't taking off that armor anytime soon.

Wormface:

Too sad, leave him alone his face is full of worms.

Tree Sentinel:

Same as the Draconic Tree Sentinel but he's a tiny bit more naive so you might have a better chance.

Elder Dragon Greyoll:

Too sleepy, but still kinda a milf.

Grafted Scion:

There might be some genitals in there somewhere but I don't think they know how or even want to use them.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

Esgar, Priest of Blood:

No sense of hygiene, is always covered in blood (in an unsexy way)

Mohg, Lord of Blood:

This loser is dripping with all the least sexy bodily fluids and he has sharp horns sticking out of him. Even if you got him in bed you'd only enjoy like 5% of it. Plus you just know he'd be all needy afterwards and try to get you to join his MLM.

Borealis the Freezing Fog:

Too cold, not a snuggler.

Elemer of the Briar:

The armor stays ON during sex.

Kindred of Rot:

It's like all the worst possible aspects of alien biology, it won't be nearly as fun as you hoped.

Sanguine Noble:

Same as all the other Mohg followers, too sticky and too smelly.

Decaying Ekzykes:

He's sick right now, leave him alone.

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree:

I'm sure she'd be a decent lover. Maybe a little overzealous but she'd has good intentions.

Grave Warden Duelist:

I mean these guys are hot and probably fuck like a truck but they are not the most caring lovers, also they are covered in live snakes so there is that.

Night's Cavalry:

If you like goth knights I'm sure they'd be fine.

Alabaster Lord:

Their skin probably feels like stone, but I bet they can pull off all sorts of freaky zero-g sex stuff if you ask them.

Onyx Lord:

Same as the Alabaster Lord but slightly more goth.

Fell Twins:

Once you get past the horns and stuff I bet the Omens are actually pretty good in bed, just watch out.

Demi-Human Queens:

I feel like all Demi-humans are pretty good lovers but their biology probably has some unexpected drawbacks.

Stonedigger Troll:

If you can get past the texture and the size I bet they could be decent in bed.

Flying Dragon Greyll:

A surprisingly unsexy dragon, but a dragon is a dragon and still worth at least a one night stand.

Glintstone Dragon Smarag:

A dragon willing to kill racist magic users, earns them a few extra points.

Beastman of Farum Azula:

On one hand the Beastmen probably have crazy mating skills, but they are also zombies, which detracts some points for all the decay.

Battlemage Hugues:

Contrary to popular belief, Wizards are not very good at sex. They spend all their time studying instead of partying, at least Hugues is willing to get his hands dirty.

Commander O'Neil:

Seems like a decent guy, but probably won't shut up about his time in the military. Also he is infected with scarlet rot so that might be a mood killer.

Bloodhound Knight Darriwil:

The bloodhound knights are probably pretty wild in bed if you can earn their loyalty, but good luck with that.

Adan, Thief of Fire:

The dude committed heresy, that has to earn him some sexy points.

Soldier of Godrick:

He's a good boy, he's doing his job so throw him a bone.

Flying Dragon Agheel:

One of the first dragons you encounter, so he earns some points for style.

Demi-Human Chief:

Same as the queens, but probably a bit rougher in bed.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

Lichdragon Fortissax:

A much sexier dragon, you know they were hooking up with Godwin. Only loses some points for all the death rot.

Crucible Knight Siluria:

A bit gloomy, but I bet the crucible knights can do all sorts of freaky stuff with their animal body parts.

Mimic Tear:

A slippery liquid shapeshifter, need I say more?

Commander Niall:

A way better guy than O'Niel, plus he just a bit more daddy energy.

Fire Giant:

Once you get past his size, his sadness and the giant fell god of destruction in his chest, I bet he's got something going on.

Ancient Hero of Zamor:

Gives me Hercules/Amazonian vibes, I could be into it.

Cleanrot Knight:

Lesbian activities detected.

Crucible Knight:

These guys have tails, horns, wings and big old throat sacks. Imagine the possibilities.

Glintstone Dragon Adula:

Has a sword. If you hear "Dragon holding a sword" and your pants aren't already off, we can't be friends.

Bols, Carian Knight:

He seems like a good boy.

Scaly Misbegotten:

I feel like the Misbegotten have some really interesting possibilities with their animal biology. I bet they have bonobo type societies and that could be fun.

Leonine Misbegotten:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Misbegotten Warrior:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

Crucible Knight Ordovis:

Has all the desirable traits of a Crucible Knight but I also imagine they are super into threesomes.

Perfumer Tricia:

She seems really nice, and would be a super attentive lover. Plus she probably has access to crazy drugs and could hook you up.

Nox Swordstress & Nox Priest:

You just know that the Nox were getting up to crazy hot and crazy unethical experiments in their underground cities. These two probably get up to some wild shit and they are inviting you to join them.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon:

As she is now, I bet she'd be too sad to really be in a relationship again. But she kept up with Radagon and you just know she has some tricks up her sleeves that could make you abandon the golden order.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

Dragonlord Placidusax:

Has two male heads and three female heads, imagine...

Ancient Dragon Lansseax:

Formed a whole freaky dragon/human cult and you just know they got into some eyes-wide-shut orgies behind those doors.

Godfrey, First Elden Lord (Hoarah Loux):

We all knew he'd be this high on the list. He was just a normal dude but he managed to keep pace with Queen Marika (Who is basically a goddess of fertility) for a good long while. He will fold you in half (on the battlefield and in the bedroom.)

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

Radagon of the Golden Order:

He sucks in all the worst ways, but I mean... You can't NOT. Both Radagon and Marika are the embodiment of evil but they managed to suck and fuck their way across an entire continent for generations. You HAVE to give a try at least once.

Godskin Duo:

Oh my god will it be awful with all those flayed human skins, but you know you are still gonna have to. They can stretch and do all sorts of freaky stuff with their bodies, plus they kill gods and nothing is sexier than heresy.

Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable:

The dude is a mad killer but... he can still probably get it, might as well give it a try.

God-Devouring Serpent / Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy:

Personally I wouldn't, he's a loser and will probably kill you. But he is also a giant snake made up of squirming hands doing all sorts of sexual experiments, I can't blame you if you want to give it a taste.

Black Knife Assassin:

They committed a whole lot of treason but the power of armored lesbians is too hard to resist.

Patches:

If you are already having sex with from software characters, you gotta give Patches at least one attempt. When you wake up he'll have robbed you, but you knew what you were getting into.

[tavvoc]

🌻❤️🌳

[pumpkincatdoodling]

Erdtree avatars got a lot of junk in their trunk.

[locuas642]

Okay I need to ask what do you all see here

[knightofleo]

One Erdtree Avatar? I can do that just fi-

Ah, beans.

[minespatchart]

My avatar art for April 2024. Just to let you guys know, I haven't played Sekiro, so it was a bit of a challenge trying to add the Fountainhead palace for the background.

[northernolddragon]

[lokirulzart]

The unofficial title of this colored sketch is “POV: you’re Iron Fist Alexander and you’re realizing that the Tarnished Warrior who got you out of the hole in the ground was, indeed, holding back”

…but that’s a long title so we’ll call it ��Are You Gay Yet?”

Got DANG, dat boy strong. This is what happens when you don’t put points into the intelligence stat.

[nylusion]

Come and watch as Xycor streams more of his playthrough of Elden Ring! This time he will be facing the second Erdtree Avatar of Liurnia, if he can find his way there!

[miracide]

drew my accurate experience with the scadutree avatar

[delaneyjanuzzi]

I think I'll start posting my art here now

[gebo4482]

影樹の化身 / Scadutree Avatar by ずろ❄️Zlofsky (Zlofsky2nd)

[eaissilyy]

Strange sunflower encounter!

[squidswithguns]

my shadow of the erdtree experience before entering shadow keep: great, so much fun, everyone complaining about the difficulty needs to git good, i will kill the gods!

these motherfuxkers coming to ruin my day:

[blasphemousclaw]

ok I can finally post this

[thewisecheerio]

Subversive Design in Soulsborne Games

There are a lot of mechanisms to induce fear in horror games. Lighting (or lack thereof), soundtrack, jump scares, and a myriad of other things all work well to make you feel unsettled.

But my favorite strategy is to establish a pattern for the player and then break it.

Soulsborne games are infamous for this subversive game design, which is part of why they have a reputation for being "unfair". But it's important to remember that the pattern was formed from your assumptions about what the rules of the world are; no accord was ever actually made nor broken. The devs are simply anticipating the pattern you are likely to pick up on, and then breaking it to induce fear. These are horror games, after all.

I tend to find this subversiveness hilarious, so here are some of my favorites:

Boss Phases

Soulsborne games use 2-phase bosses so often that you begin to expect that the most phases a boss will ever have is 2. Thus, the second that you vanquish a foe's second phase, you breathe a sigh of relief. However, there are at least two times that Soulsborne games have broken this promise: Sister Friede of DS3 and the Scadutree Avatar of Elden Ring.

Both came equipped with 3 phases, which catches people out the first time that they encounter it. You may have exhausted resources during Phase 2, not realizing you had miles more to go. As such, it's great at inducing an immediate sense of panic due to feeling underprepared.

Guiding with Diegetic Lighting

Soulsborne games love to use diegetic lighting to guide players where to go next or what to notice. This often takes the form of a carefully placed item that glows to draw your eyes, forcing you to notice something you might have otherwise overlooked. Below is Auriza Hero's Grave with an item-bearing body (already looted in this screenshot, but circled in red) hinting at a drop off point to a floor below:

However, sometimes the game abuses your trust in the diegetic lighting. As you walk toward it to investigate and see what it might be signaling (if anything), an enemy might pop out and attack, or throw a molotov cocktail at your head. It's a trap!

Possibly the funniest incarnation of this is Patches. Patches will leave glowing markers to draw you toward an edge. There might even be devnotes suggesting "Something amazing this way!" to tempt you even more. But the second you get close, off the cliff you go!

Pincer Attacks

Another way Fromsoftware abuses diegetic lighting and your own paranoia is pincer attacks. Because so many enemies like to hide behind corners and jump scare you, players get used to checking corners before entering a new room to grab a clearly visible item. However, sometimes you check those corners dutifully, think you're in the clear after having vanquished the corner foes, and still get attacked on your way to the item.

This is because the trap was never about the enemies hiding behind the corners. They are a distraction, there to make you feel that you have been sufficiently paranoid when you have not actually been paranoid enough.

Rather the problem was never the corner enemies, but the two new enemies that drop off walls in front of you (before you get to them) and behind you (only once you've passed them), forming a pincer that is much harder to escape. Elden Ring's Fanged Imps often do this in catacombs, and the Giant Ants sometimes pull this off in Ainsel and Siofra.

Boss Doors

Sometimes a "rule" Soulsborne games break actually has nothing to do with in-game rules, but rather expectations devs know you have from other games. For example, boss arenas are often very well-signaled so that you can prepare. Either there is Grand ArchitectureTM to tell you something big is about to happen, or you have to explicitly interact with an item to enter the boss arena.

And then there is Bloodborne, who will happily let you get frightfully lost in the Forbidden Woods only to stumble into the boss arena by accident:

(It's me, I stumbled in.)

Sure, there are some big stones there. But by nature of being a multi-tiered level, the Forbidden Woods is FULL of underpasses that go below broken logs or fallen graves. This one doesn't look much different at a glance. You have little reason to believe that this underpass is different from the one you saw earlier that goes underneath a gigantic fallen tree. Consequently, you might walk right in only to be surprised with a boss bar popping up on your screen.

Closing Comments

What every single one of these tactics has in common is that it's playing on your expectations of how the game universe should work, and then subverting it. And when you fall for their antics, it can be hilarious.

It's a very clever design strategy to keep players constantly on their toes. It can get you to learn a new skill or break out of a routine. Overall, it's there to maintain player interest in the game and keep things from feeling stale. And I'd say the Soulsborne games are exceptional at using it to keep you interested.