#Knight of the Roundtable

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking All Elden Ring Bosses by Fuckability

It was only a matter of time until I made a post like this. (And an equally horrible post featuring the DLC bosses.)

In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with and are not actively trying to kill you.

Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate.

It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.

Explanation of Grading system:

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.

Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

Dragonkin Soldier:

Mindless beast

Astel, Naturalborn of the Void

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Fia's Champions:

Ghosts, simps.

Regal Ancestor Spirit

Animal

Erdtree Avatar

A plant

Great Wyrm Theodorix

Mindless beast.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

A plant, no junk

Tibia Mariner:

Skeleton

Red Wolf of the Champion:

Animal.

Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Abductor Virgin

First off, just some snakes in a robot. Second, virgin.

Erdtree Burial Watchdog

Stone gargoyle

Crystalians

Non-organic

Mad Pumpkin Heads

Unable to consent due to madness.

Cemetery Shade

Unable to consent due to mind controlling parasite.

Spirit-Caller Snail

Animal

Runebear

Animal

Miranda the Blighted Bloom

A plant

Guardian Golem

Stone gargoyle

Starscourge Radahn:

Unable to consent due to madness

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Elden Beast:

Too catholic.

Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing:

Dick game weak - unironically posts joker memes.

Omenkiller:

Basically a cop.

Necromancer Garris:

Killed his family, not a good husband.

Royal Revenant:

Won't stop screaming (in an unsexy way)

Godrick the Grafted:

Incel - Also all that murder and torture business but mostly the Incel stuff.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

Valiant Gargoyle:

Could probably have sex if it wanted to, but is kinda going through a lot right now. Ya know, that whole "Is made of several corpses mashed together" thing.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella:

Look, I ALSO wanted her to higher up on this list, but let's be honest here. Her body is rotting and falling apart, she just isn't up for sex in her current form. In her prime? She'd be top of the list. She's the daughter of Marika and Radagon, she'd be playing fuck/marry/kill with every warrior who crossed her path. (in that order)

Death Rite Bird:

I think it might be physically capable of sex, but is too busy burning corpses to bother with stuff like that.

Black Blade Kindred:

Same reason as the Valiant Gargoyle but you might have like 2% more of a chance because they are goth.

Maliketh, the Black Blade:

Would normally be a sex god, but is too religious. Probably took a vow about this sort of thing.

Morgott, the Omen King:

You kidding me? This guy has the same energy as a repressed youth pastor. He's gonna be a virgin till the day he dies. The dude sided with the same religious order that locked him a sewer and tried to kill him. He's not out there getting phone numbers he's too busy praying and judging others for their 'impure thoughts'.

Draconic Tree Sentinel:

Married to his job, also physically chained to his horse. He ain't taking off that armor anytime soon.

Wormface:

Too sad, leave him alone his face is full of worms.

Tree Sentinel:

Same as the Draconic Tree Sentinel but he's a tiny bit more naive so you might have a better chance.

Elder Dragon Greyoll:

Too sleepy, but still kinda a milf.

Grafted Scion:

There might be some genitals in there somewhere but I don't think they know how or even want to use them.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

Esgar, Priest of Blood:

No sense of hygiene, is always covered in blood (in an unsexy way)

Mohg, Lord of Blood:

This loser is dripping with all the least sexy bodily fluids and he has sharp horns sticking out of him. Even if you got him in bed you'd only enjoy like 5% of it. Plus you just know he'd be all needy afterwards and try to get you to join his MLM.

Borealis the Freezing Fog:

Too cold, not a snuggler.

Elemer of the Briar:

The armor stays ON during sex.

Kindred of Rot:

It's like all the worst possible aspects of alien biology, it won't be nearly as fun as you hoped.

Sanguine Noble:

Same as all the other Mohg followers, too sticky and too smelly.

Decaying Ekzykes:

He's sick right now, leave him alone.

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree:

I'm sure she'd be a decent lover. Maybe a little overzealous but she'd has good intentions.

Grave Warden Duelist:

I mean these guys are hot and probably fuck like a truck but they are not the most caring lovers, also they are covered in live snakes so there is that.

Night's Cavalry:

If you like goth knights I'm sure they'd be fine.

Alabaster Lord:

Their skin probably feels like stone, but I bet they can pull off all sorts of freaky zero-g sex stuff if you ask them.

Onyx Lord:

Same as the Alabaster Lord but slightly more goth.

Fell Twins:

Once you get past the horns and stuff I bet the Omens are actually pretty good in bed, just watch out.

Demi-Human Queens:

I feel like all Demi-humans are pretty good lovers but their biology probably has some unexpected drawbacks.

Stonedigger Troll:

If you can get past the texture and the size I bet they could be decent in bed.

Flying Dragon Greyll:

A surprisingly unsexy dragon, but a dragon is a dragon and still worth at least a one night stand.

Glintstone Dragon Smarag:

A dragon willing to kill racist magic users, earns them a few extra points.

Beastman of Farum Azula:

On one hand the Beastmen probably have crazy mating skills, but they are also zombies, which detracts some points for all the decay.

Battlemage Hugues:

Contrary to popular belief, Wizards are not very good at sex. They spend all their time studying instead of partying, at least Hugues is willing to get his hands dirty.

Commander O'Neil:

Seems like a decent guy, but probably won't shut up about his time in the military. Also he is infected with scarlet rot so that might be a mood killer.

Bloodhound Knight Darriwil:

The bloodhound knights are probably pretty wild in bed if you can earn their loyalty, but good luck with that.

Adan, Thief of Fire:

The dude committed heresy, that has to earn him some sexy points.

Soldier of Godrick:

He's a good boy, he's doing his job so throw him a bone.

Flying Dragon Agheel:

One of the first dragons you encounter, so he earns some points for style.

Demi-Human Chief:

Same as the queens, but probably a bit rougher in bed.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

Lichdragon Fortissax:

A much sexier dragon, you know they were hooking up with Godwin. Only loses some points for all the death rot.

Crucible Knight Siluria:

A bit gloomy, but I bet the crucible knights can do all sorts of freaky stuff with their animal body parts.

Mimic Tear:

A slippery liquid shapeshifter, need I say more?

Commander Niall:

A way better guy than O'Niel, plus he just a bit more daddy energy.

Fire Giant:

Once you get past his size, his sadness and the giant fell god of destruction in his chest, I bet he's got something going on.

Ancient Hero of Zamor:

Gives me Hercules/Amazonian vibes, I could be into it.

Cleanrot Knight:

Lesbian activities detected.

Crucible Knight:

These guys have tails, horns, wings and big old throat sacks. Imagine the possibilities.

Glintstone Dragon Adula:

Has a sword. If you hear "Dragon holding a sword" and your pants aren't already off, we can't be friends.

Bols, Carian Knight:

He seems like a good boy.

Scaly Misbegotten:

I feel like the Misbegotten have some really interesting possibilities with their animal biology. I bet they have bonobo type societies and that could be fun.

Leonine Misbegotten:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Misbegotten Warrior:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

Crucible Knight Ordovis:

Has all the desirable traits of a Crucible Knight but I also imagine they are super into threesomes.

Perfumer Tricia:

She seems really nice, and would be a super attentive lover. Plus she probably has access to crazy drugs and could hook you up.

Nox Swordstress & Nox Priest:

You just know that the Nox were getting up to crazy hot and crazy unethical experiments in their underground cities. These two probably get up to some wild shit and they are inviting you to join them.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon:

As she is now, I bet she'd be too sad to really be in a relationship again. But she kept up with Radagon and you just know she has some tricks up her sleeves that could make you abandon the golden order.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

Dragonlord Placidusax:

Has two male heads and three female heads, imagine...

Ancient Dragon Lansseax:

Formed a whole freaky dragon/human cult and you just know they got into some eyes-wide-shut orgies behind those doors.

Godfrey, First Elden Lord (Hoarah Loux):

We all knew he'd be this high on the list. He was just a normal dude but he managed to keep pace with Queen Marika (Who is basically a goddess of fertility) for a good long while. He will fold you in half (on the battlefield and in the bedroom.)

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

Radagon of the Golden Order:

He sucks in all the worst ways, but I mean... You can't NOT. Both Radagon and Marika are the embodiment of evil but they managed to suck and fuck their way across an entire continent for generations. You HAVE to give a try at least once.

Godskin Duo:

Oh my god will it be awful with all those flayed human skins, but you know you are still gonna have to. They can stretch and do all sorts of freaky stuff with their bodies, plus they kill gods and nothing is sexier than heresy.

Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable:

The dude is a mad killer but... he can still probably get it, might as well give it a try.

God-Devouring Serpent / Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy:

Personally I wouldn't, he's a loser and will probably kill you. But he is also a giant snake made up of squirming hands doing all sorts of sexual experiments, I can't blame you if you want to give it a taste.

Black Knife Assassin:

They committed a whole lot of treason but the power of armored lesbians is too hard to resist.

Patches:

If you are already having sex with from software characters, you gotta give Patches at least one attempt. When you wake up he'll have robbed you, but you knew what you were getting into.

[tylermileslockett]

This merlin character design from King Arthur comes from a personal project I was exploring a few years ago. I was exploring Merlin as more of a druid priest style character design. I still plan to do King Arthur some day, and Have more art from that project ill share in the future. What culture/myth/fairytales would you like to see me do?

Each week I’ll be revealing some of my many images from my past. Hope you enjoy them! Xoxo

[ilkao3]

Pssst

Psst

“Everyone loves Merlin” but make it a result of his very intentional plotting. No oblivious sorcerers here.

Arthur likes banter? Merlin makes sure he’s the standard.

Lancelot is a classic romantic? Merlin woos him by giving him a reason to stay and impressing that he’s the most deserving person of knighthood (that they only knew each other for all of five seconds is of little importance).

Leon likes order? Okay, Merlin can’t help him with that one, but he’s cute so it’s fine.

Gwaine? Food, good alcohol, and shenanigans. Merlin has got this in the bag. With Arthur’s coin, obviously.

He doesn’t quite know what Elyan likes just yet aside from crafting and sparring, but he’ll damn sure find out after he lets him put him on his arse for the nth time when he coaxes him to train.

Percival likes his peace and quiet, so Merlin offers his bed when he can’t be arsed to move after patching him up from his latest injury, or when he looks like he’ll keel over from the noise levels in a room, or when it’s cold and there isn’t enough wood to warm every room, or-

You get the point.

[val-of-the-north]

It came to me in a vision, I had to make it a reality

[vintersdrom]

roundtable knight vyke

[knightscanfeeltoo]

Oscar hanging with Other Knight Losers just like him, Vyke and Ostrava...

(Because Three of these From Software/Soulsborne Knights are Not the Main Characters despite having their Armour being on the Video Game Cover Arts and they also Lost to the Real Main Dark Souls/Elden Ring/Demon's Souls Characters too...)

[m3tth4ws]

jt miller | 21.12.24 ©️ jeff vinnick / getty images

[elaneubl]

it begins again … the elden ring tarot deck

[lostwcnderlands]

status -> open to all 21+ muses *we do not have to be mutuals to reply! supernatural muses welcome, too! + canons if applicable but will be selective*

setting -> based on the legends of tristan && isolde - my muse, a knight of honor, has been tasked with escorting your muse, a royal and/or otherwise higher nobility, to my muse's uncle, the king. your muse has been promised to wed the king, but the journey is long && who knows what may happen between the pair...

this song is like the whole plot okay pls listen to it

my other opens - always accepting responses!

" you know... there is a carriage of luxury for you to ride in, if you wanted to preserve your energy for the weeks ahead. " not that the knight minded company as he trod diligently in the front of the escort party, horse in hand && his lightest suit of armor adorned. it was a surprise, to be sure, and tristan was never one for much small-talk. the quietest of the knights at the table, though bloodthirsty && brutal in battle, earning him awards pinned to his chest to signify his courage, his honor. he'd not wanted this mission at all, had preferred to stay home, to go to war even. anything but this. a boring, long, only slightly dangerous trek as a glorified babysitter for the uncle he struggled to love, but knew he held bound duty towards. mocha hues now peeked at the cargo he'd been given to protect, wondering if they, too, hated the confines of a carriage && preferred the smell of the forest over stuffy air. " you cannot intend to walk the whole way, can you? "

[remieese]

oops

[starrieisdelusional]

With how tall Percival is, Elyan had to jump to reach his palm. But it doesn’t matter, they did a great job on today’s patrol, and he feels proud of them.

MerlinkTober 2024

Day 8: patrol

Nothing fancy, just elyan and percival doing a high five. I was going to do a low five (just know that exist btw) but the pose references arent great

Also im not great w muscles i deffo need to study them more 😭

Other Prompts of merlinktober 2024

[kokosnusslos]

hyped for elden ring dlc 🫶

[themanwhoateastronomy]

the masculine urge to suit up in steel and ride into battle on your loyal steed

[purble-gaymer]

evil robot cooking contest episode was so embarrassing for them. what were they thinking

[tarnishedinquirer]

Into the Old Keep

Returning to the Liftside Chamber, there was this one stubborn door that refused to open. Which was frustrating because it led right down into that mystery abyss.

I tried dropping down from the ledge right outside the chamber, but only got a sprained ankle for my troubles and the realization that, while I could keep going down, I could not get back up to unlock that door.

So, time to go up. I took the lift to the top of the tower, and found a very peculiar sight. Miniature jars, like Alexander but much smaller. Seemed almost cute.

....until the mother jar showed up. It tried to smash me with its bulk while the little ones pounded me with their tiny fists. Once I shattered them, the big one dropped a Living Jar Shard and a.... a.... a meat dumpling.

Oh gods those are teeth.

A pungent raw meatball, made succulent by virtue of being on the verge of turning. Heals, but also poisons the user. Not recommended for those who prefer to know the origin of their meats.

Thanks, voice. If I run out of Crimson Tears, I'll just die instead.

This confirms what I suspected about Alexander. He is definitely filled with actual people, mashed into a pulp. The though turned my stomach even more than the "dumpling" did.

The jars actually were alive. Not just animated. The meat had turned into some sort of...tissue.

A fragment of a living jar, hardened after its death. Such fragments command a high price due to the magical power locked within. This leaves the living jars unfortunate targets for poachers.

So why were there so many of these broken around the Weeping Peninsula Minor Erdtree?

Another thing I found in the jar nest was a Cracked Pot, like the kind I use for holy water or fire. Are these jar eggs or something? If I put human meat in it, would it grow into one of those smaller jars and attack me? Curiosity and disgust warred in me, but disgust won. I would not be investigating that.

Past that was a very strange collapsed part of the floor. It looked less like a collapse and more like an impact. Like something landed here and dug a furrow, collapsing several floors before coming to a stop. It was hard to even envision what this place was before the collapse, and the only way I could make sense of it was that this is a place where construction stopped. Whatever renovations Godrick was making had completely petered out at this spot. Even if the rest of it was sometimes a confusing patchwork, the construction here did not match up at all.

I climbed up some scaffolding to a ledge, then across to a window. When I stepped out, I saw another one of those red Banished Knights. She was kneeling over the corpse of one of those fire-breathing Warhawks, with a regular Stormhawk joining her.

Had she killed it? If so, she still clearly held great respect for the beast. The feeling was mutual, as the other hawk was docile and joining her mourning. This all but confirmed for me that the hawks were intelligent. Perhaps the Banished Knights were once kin to the hawks of Stormveil, but the Warhawk hadn't recognized her due to its far more invasive prosthetics.

I continued on my path through a storage room, across more scaffolding, up to an even worse collapsed floor, and into what seemed like an even older part of the castle.

Here, the construction was completely different. It felt even more familiar. The only inhabitants were long-neck commoners, who didn't appreciate my intrusion. Under the stairs, someone had stashed a Manor Towershield

An iron greatshield large enough to cover the entire body. Depicts the Roundtable Hold, gathering place of champions.

God. It just hit me. I finally figured it out. Why the older parts of the castle seemed so familiar. The arms, the armor, the whole thing. I'd been looking at it for so long without seeing the significance, I didn't even notice it anymore.

The Roundtable Hold. This castle was exactly like the Roundtable Hold. At least, originally. The same arms and armor that decorate Stormveil could be found there.

Before the gaudy facades. Before the curse of pox and thorns.

At one time, Stormveil and the Roundtable Hold had been twin castles.

I stepped out on the battlement, and a rune message greeted me. Far more articulate than your typical runes, and with Rogier's visage. I knew that if I followed his instructions, I'd finally reach the secret of Stormveil Castle.

Were the knights banished from the Roundtable Hold?

What kinship do they have with the hawks?

What impacted this area of the castle?

Do Living Jars grow from the Cracked Pots?

What awaits me down below?

[technomancer-01]

On the Nature of Tarnished Souls || Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable ||

No other Tarnished was closer to the throne of the Elden Lord than Vyke. But without announcement, Vyke traveled far below the capital, and was scorched by the flame of frenzy.

Did he make his choice for his maiden, or did some other force lure him with suggestion?

.

Request suggestion from :). Starting to clean up some of my older posts, pull myself out of this brainfog. I have been playing more Tears of the Kingdom lately, I may have to force myself to unwind and relax but I am enjoying it so far! Definitely a shocker from Ocarina of Time but it feels good to game again

Instagram: @technomancer_01

Twitter: @technomancer_01

Not sure how social mediaz works, I’m not going to force people to follow me, it just feels nice to not shout into a void I guess