#episode 1: depression because baby gone | final episode: THAT'S ENOUGH BABIES

[littlefankingdom]

That's what my sister and I have been saying since we were teen. Batman should be a show where seasons are long (not the 8 or 13 episodes we have no) and at each one, a new Robin is introduced. This side of Bruce's story is not told on TV, and it's a shame + it would change it

DC must not want money because if they did, they would have made a Batman & Robin movie or show centered on Bruce getting Dick. Currently, people are all about "disgruntled man suddenly has a child he is not blood related too and becomes a father", if DC just use the recipe with Bruce and Dick, people would eat that shit up. Especially because Batman's story is about hope, and what better way to deliver that than by giving him a kid?! Especially as it is the goal of the recipe, to give hope to the disgruntled man! Instead of trying again and again to sell Batman had this "misery 4ever" story (which it is not supposed to be) to please the edgelords.

I don't know wtf DC is doing, don't they have people analysing the market??? How can they miss that???

[wherenymphsroam]

don’t say it’s unholy, if I let you come hold me (pt 1)

⟡ -- leon finds you drowning your grief in the back of a bar just outside of town. but don't worry, he won't blow your cover.

w/c: 2.1k

warnings: themes of coping with grief and depression, implied underage drinking and unhealthy coping mechanisms, vendetta leon, leon is just a wee bit morally grey here just due to the point in his life this is staged during, no sex but explicit language, leon is readers dad's coworker/friend, angst - eventual sex

a/n: okay, I've been sitting on this baby for a hot minute just because of how self indulgent it is iaqhdsiuwsjih. I wanted to make this longer before I released it, but I think I'm going to just continue this in parts (and even then, don't hold me to that lol judgwiuhd !!). again, please heed warnings, and if you are uncomfortable with any themes presented, please just don't read!

playlist: unholy (hey violet), disconnect (she wants revenge), discipline (nine inch nails), paralyzer (finger eleven)

You shouldn’t be here.

By all legal and ethical means, morality aside, you should be at the library, studying for a final you know damn well you won’t be passing. Or better yet, at home. Maybe poured over a mug of tea, that blend your mom has made you since you were a kid. Some shitty romcom playing in the background, ignored as you doze off surrounded by papers, scattered around the dining table like any other honorable, dutiful college student. Not some… dingy, shithole bar outside the parameters of your hometown.

(One you know your dad doesn’t frequent with colleagues. One you know is just outside the radius of people that would see you here, know you enough to know you shouldn’t be here.)

Maybe you would be back home right now, studying until you felt like your brain was going to melt out of your ears, if not for what happened. The “would’ve” “could’ve” and “should’ve”s are stacked high in your brain, like a mountain of now unattainable possibilities laid bare, slain by the events of recent nights. Something so chilling, so bone shattering and brain dissolving you just can’t manage to wrap your head around it. 

‘Shock’, right? 

That was the operative term for the numbness that has recently buzzed dully in your limbs, the heaviness of your own weight whenever you roll out of bed every day. The term itself is thrown around so flippantly, so easily outside the walls of a hospital, a clinic. General medical common knowledge be damned, everyone knows what shock is.

'Shock' is being betrayed by your child who marries someone of the same gender, rendering you and your paper thin beliefs meaningless. Generations passed down worth of indoctrination gone moot by one, unholy union. It’s coming home and finding your husband in bed with another woman, that blonde bitch at his front desk. The one he told you not to worry about? Yeah, that one. 

It’s the unspeakable, the unimaginable striking. It’s blinding, horrid in how it leaves you.. Empty. You’re compelled to apologize for its effects on your nervous system.

Sorry guys, I promise I’m sad. I know I don’t look it, I’m taking it out on all this- shit lying around. I’ve been meaning to throw this out for ages you know. Guess I finally have a reason now, huh? No, I don’t know how much sleep I’ve gotten the past week, it’s probably fine. I’m fine, don’t worry about me. That’ll make me feel worse. Now, if you would, let me go finish my manic episode in peace, will you-?

Could you blame this too as to why you finally dug out that fake ID your friends coerced you into agreeing to?

This wasn’t like you, not one bit. I mean, really, sitting in the back of some gnarly bar, surrounded with the sorts of people Daddy always warned you about? The sorts of people that only came out after dark, that hung around till dawn when they would then go back to dwell in whatever crevice of the city they called home until dusk? Maybe this was moms genes catching up with you – the predisposed ones you always knew would come to bite you in the ass. Maybe you should go check your eyes, don’t people's pupils dilate when they’re manic? “Crazy eyes'' those people on Tiktok would call them, right? 

“Unwidin’, huh?”

His voice calls through the air between you like he might’ve well been standing yards away. It takes you a moment longer than maybe appropriate to track his distance, his place at your side at the bartop. Glancing over, you first get a look at his hand, gesturing to the drink in front of you, the cigarette dangling between your fingers. The one that was currently beginning to slip in your weakened grip, speaking of. 

They’re long, nimble. Broad hands, worn at the tips, smooth along the meat of his palms. Even under the hazy atmosphere surrounding you, you can make out the glint of the watch up his sleeve – probably expensive, if the quality of the leather of his jacket sleeve has anything to say about it. Look at you. Even buzzed like this, you were spotting the finer details. A daddy’s girl with daddy’s tolerance.

Despite yourself, you nod numbly, head heavy on the bracket of your neck. A sign directly arguing with the idea of your tolerance – or rather, lack thereof – but it can't be as noticeable as your brain is attempting to trick you into believing, right?

Leon settles into the stool next to you, and you don’t so much as cast him a proper glance. Maybe that’s why he finds himself sitting down. You looked out of place, like a damn kicked puppy with your head drowning in a few shots worth in the back of this bar. It was a wonder no one else had approached you up till this point, especially given the time of night. It was hard not to feel like your guardian angel. 

“We both know this ain’t the healthiest way to do it.” He says as he flags the bartender down.

Touche, mystery man. 

Well, alright. Technically you knew the guy. You vaguely recognized him as one of Dad’s colleagues through the haze of your buzz. It was too sweet to interrupt, you find yourself completely unfazed in the face of the inevitable consequences that would come from your fathers colleague finding you here.

If anything, you couldn’t complain.

His voice was nice. Beyond “nice” actually. If you were any more wasted, you’d take him for a certain type of actor. More specifically, the ones you listen to late at night. The ones that speak to you behind pseudonyms and expensive microphones, nestled into crevices of the internet any mentally stable person wouldn’t dream of wandering into.  

You know better than to entertain that thought for more than a few seconds, even despite the dregs of nicotine floating through your blood coaxing you towards such a mental image. 

Finally, you brave a glance over your shoulder at him. He’s pretty. Real pretty. How are you only just noticing how sharp his eyes are? They look darker under this bar's lighting, that typically professional, almost playful glint in his gaze nowhere to be found. It had been a few years since you’d last seen him… maybe it was age finally starting to jade him.

Not that you knew the specifics. He was easily older than you by a decade and some change. And clearly all too happy to bypass all niceties in this situation. Damn. Did you look that bad? He was pretty enough to be an angel, but that didn’t mean he had to act like one. Maybe he felt bad for you. Maybe he had a better head sitting on his shoulders than a better half of the people in here. 

A huff of soft breath leaves through your nose, tendrils of smoke swirling out of your system with the action. Shaking your head, you dip it, taking another long drag from your quickly burning cigarette, an excuse to try and string together some sort of response that won’t make an ass out of you. Or actually, anything that didn’t scream “you’re hot and I don’t know how to conduct myself around good natured, attractive men” would do just fine. Those damn eyes of his… it was a mistake, letting your gazes lock. His eyes alone were enough to make your stomach flip. 

“Well,” you mutter, not daring to look back at him. “This is better than my plan b for the night.” 

You don’t so much as flinch when the bartender comes over, taking an order he murmurs in a tone you want spoken against the shell of your ear from behind. Your periphery catches the actions of the bartender pouring his order into a short glass, bronze in color.

Whiskey. Of course.

Reaching for the middle of the table, you stub your cigarette in a conveniently placed ashtray. Sure, you were a little fucked up in a way you’ve never been before tonight, but you had manners. 

Meanwhile, Leon is doing what he does best. Observing. He tries his best not to make it obvious how he watches your hand wobbles when you lift it. He watched the subtle change in your expression when he called to you, how your head bobbed when he sat down. Anyone else would be paying attention to how quickly you recoiled with the action, as if self conscious of your dragged reaction time. However, he had spotted the tension in your slouched shoulders. A reaction rooted in self preservation, a fear of judgment. It was enough to tell him just how many shots you probably had in your system. 

He was no stranger to girls like you, ‘situations’ such as the one he was currently sitting next to.

It was a familiar, cliche dance – the unspoken, drowning struggles of a near stranger on display, insecurities risen to the surface like hemorrhaged blood under thinned skin. It was written all over you. You were scrappy, worn paper, and he was the storm settling overhead. Baring your weariness and struggle and strife to his blind eye, painting you transparent. He could see right through you. You were running from something. Likely attempting to drown, bury it somewhere deep if not for just a night or so. 

“‘Plan B’?” he questions, tone calm, even almost lighthearted. It betrays his sharp gaze, perceptive and on guard as ever. As if he were approaching an injured doe in the wild. Not that he’s done much hunting lately. He’s found that meat off the streets bleeds more freely than the skin of doe’s and rabbits does in present times. 

A wry smile tugs at your lips, almost as if you figured he’d press the topic. It was already too much to ask that he didn’t mention your connection to his coworker, how Leon knew you were definitely not supposed to be somewhere like this, and he had managed to uphold that silent prayer.

Maybe your otherwise handicapped condition was blurring whatever lines that stood between you right now, the lines that constructed what he should be doing, finding you here without a legitimate ID.  He should be outing you to the bartender, dragging you out of this place by the scruff of your neck with your dad dialed into his phone.

He shouldn’t be… entertaining you, right? Could you go so far as to call his complacent presence.. Encouragement?

Taking a seat beside you, joining you in your mission to drown your ache, your pain. Keeping you calm under his gaze, as if a sedative rolled off him in gentle waves. His throat bobs around his sip of whiskey, and you can’t help how your gaze lingers on the action. 

“Plan B consisted of finding someone to fuck me into next week,” you mutter dryly, as if the admission of your half hearted ‘plans’ for tonight left a sour taste in even your mouth. It wasn’t who you were. This wasn’t what you did. For fucks sake, you weren’t even supposed to have gotten this far, knee deep in an actively self destructive decision. But life sure did have one hell of a way of knocking you one hundred eighty degrees in the other direction, didn’t it?

No. That’s an excuse. A shitty one, at that. It's an excuse you've heard your dad mutter under his breath when he slouches into the couch with a beer in hand.

This is a poor choice, and you knew this was a poor choice. And yet, that didn’t stop you from walking your happy ass into this bar, nose up and full of talked up confidence you poured into yourself in the parking lot. No amount of tugging and pulling and pleading your guilty conscience did on your brain would stop you, not this time. You knew that getting into an Uber to haul you outside the lines of town would seal your fate to the whims of this bar. How classy. 

If Leon was a worse man, he’d take your words at face value. (Or maybe he’s just damned with all that thorough training he’s been rung through. It’s practically impossible not to read people nowadays. Even alcohol has ceased to debilitate him of this begrudgingly equipped set of skills that was all but pummeled into him.) 

His gaze wavers. Flickers, almost with a wash of amusement for a moment. You were trying oh so hard, taking that clipped, short tone with him, all but puffing your chest with this aura of  mental toughness you likely wanted to think you had. It was cute, really. But oh, the lacing of desperation in your tone... The sweet vulnerability in your breath… every hairline fracture your already cracking front is bleeding. 

He doesn’t have to be a bloodhound to want to dig for more. He just can’t help himself. 

thank you for reading! I have emergency commissions open, so if you enjoyed this piece, please consider taking a look at my menu or rb’ing :^)

[yourmomsgranddad]

9-1-1 8x06 Thoughts

First of all, BUMMY BONES!!! Period! I was waiting for that. I screamed like my team had just won the Super Bowl and I feel kind of bad because I saw Buck's little sad face. :(

But that's not my only thought.

People were saying that Tommy and Buck break up felt out of place. I know this will sound kind of biased as a Buddie fan, but it didn't really seem weird.

Buck revealed to Tommy that he not only knew Abby but she was an important person in his life and she changed him and then they both moved on. He probably heard that and thought 'Oh no, I'm just a placeholder, he's going to dump me, let me get ahead of him before he can.' Which is very fair.

He should not have made that decision for Buck but I think he was just protecting himself. He didn't want to get hurt because he knew he liked Buck but his interests lie elsewhere.

Most people don't stay with their first gay relationship (unless you're Nick & Charlie which they aren't.) and Tommy sensed that. He was just a way to help get Buck out of the closet and he didn't want to go further with him when he figured he was going to drop him at some point.

And I'm not saying this as a Buddie fan, I'm saying this as a person with eyes and ears.

When Tommy gives Buck the basketball tickets, Tommy tells him he doesn't have to take him, he could take Eddie instead. But then he sees joy that sprouts on his face and he takes it back.

When they first get together, Buck told him he was vying for his attention. Tommy looked him dead in his face and asked him clearly "my attention?" It was very obvious throughout the episode that Buck was mad that his best friend was hanging out with someone else. When Buck was looking at Eddie, waiting for him to look at him, Tommy wasn't there.

And Tommy noticed.

But he knew Buck had some feelings to get out so maybe if helped him out of the closet, he would feel good about himself. But then he started to like him, and so did Buck. And he knew this going in, it wasn't going to last.

So to the people who said the break-up came out of nowhere; I think it was a wake-up call to Tommy. Buck asked him to move in and he was like 'Oh no. This has gone too far.'

I am a person who was taught 'you get what you get and you don't get upset'. So when Tommy and Buck broke up, I didn't immediately get pissed at the writers, I want to see if they do something good with it.

But enough about those gays.

Madney baby no. 2! Hell yeah! I hope they don't make Maddie depressed again, I'd love to see her get to enjoy all the moments of being a mother since she missed some of them with Jee. Maybe some jealousy from Jee.

Eddie mustache gone! Metaphor for not hiding?

Next episode, more Athena. Yes please.

Also next episode, hinting at Buck getting struck by lightning.

This episode hinting at the well Eddie got stuck in?

Is Buck going to get shot? Are they finally going to give us the storyline they were supposed to? Maybe.

I think if they go that route, it definitely could jumpstart the slowburn Oliver was talking about.

Speaking of Oliver, I saw some other posts that were talking about him being biphobic for saying he wanted Buck to start sleeping around with everyone.

I completely understand stereotypes are bad. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to find out what you like as a queer person. And there's also something very human of having gone through something kind of traumatic and falling back into bad habits.

Buck is heartbroken, he's had too many bad relationships and he could be feeling bad for himself. He might go to a bar and end up picking up a girl or guy. Also, it's very obvious this guy is a freak. Ring cutter?

Him sleeping around wouldn't be giving into a bisexual stereotype I don't think. It was a part of his character before he found he was bisexual. Just because he's bi now, he has to drop an old plotline because it's a stereotype? Is it really a stereotype if this was a part of him before he figured out this other part of himself?

Anyway those are my thoughts. Can't wait for next episode!

[iamnotawomanimagod]

EDIT UP TOP re: The Halsey's mom screenshot

the more I think about it and looked into it, the more I really think that that person wasn't even Nicole Frangipane. Their Facebook profile is friends with a Sevian profile that has 4 friends. Sevian actually has a somewhat public presence and would definitely have more followers than that. The "Nicole" page itself only has 54 friends and isn't posting any photos that aren't already available on other social media websites.

aka that shit is fake as fuck, there is no proof whatsoever that that's actually Halsey's mom and that means that's a "fan" spreading some awful shit about Halsey for no good reason.

that's even more reason to NOT share it and to let that shit die. which I'm gonna do, starting now.

okay original post below:

DON'T SHARE THE SCREENSHOT OF HALSEY'S MOM TALKING ABOUT HALSEY'S ADDICTION ISSUES. DON'T TAG H IN POSTS ABOUT IT. DON'T SPECULATE ON SHIT WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

Okay well now I'm seeing that screenshot all over the damn place, including from people who are trying to say that sharing it is wrong.

Honestly, it seems fake as fuck to me, and I'll go into why under the readmore, but for starters:

If that really is Halsey's mom (I have my doubts,) it is incredibly wrong for her to talk about Halsey's personal struggles and air her dirty laundry in a public space when she KNOWS her daughter has millions of eyes on her at all times. The things she has disclosed to that public forum should've remained private until if/when Halsey decided to talk about it. It's a huge betrayal and is made doubly worse by the fact that, if Halsey really has been committed, she cannot stop her mom from talking about her and might not even know that this information has gone public.

And finally, yes, here's the tea so more people don't go seeking out the screenshot, because I know curiosity is a bitch:

Halsey's mom (allegedly, again, I don't know if it was actually her) posted in a Facebook group for addiction/recovery that she's "worried her daughter has relapsed" because "she's lost so much weight, she's irritable, etc" (it's not like she's got a million health problems and is going through a breakup with the father of her child or anything, right???)

In a later post, "Nicole" claimed that H has been hospitalized after a Xanax OD. She also claimed that Halsey just left an abusive relationship, is pregnant with her second child, is in an ongoing custody battle with Alev, doesn't want him in her children's lives, and is still being hospitalized because of a manic-depressive episode.

Reasons I don't think that's actually her mom/I'll be VERY disappointed if it is:

1 - Halsey has spoken at length in public about her struggles with fertility. She would NEVER want her pregnancy announced in this way. If it's early enough, there's still a very good chance H will lose the baby. I doubt their mom doesn't know that. She's a really shitty mom if she decided to spread that.

2 - Halsey's mom has never done anything like this before, in my memory. She's no Dina Lohan. I've never seen her talk about her daughter in public or make statements on H's behalf before. Not even on social media.

3 - The picture "Nicole" claimed was sent to her by her daughter is a readily available selfie from H's instagram. Why would H send their mom a picture of herself that she already posted on her very public social media page?

4 - If they really were hospitalized/committed, and it was verifiable, gossip rags would be all over it by now.

So, in short, we have absolutely no proof that this is legitimately Halsey's mom, and even if it is, it was INCREDIBLY WRONG of her to post about these topics on a public forum.

It's okay to be worried/concerned for Halsey's wellbeing. It is NOT okay to support the spread of this incredibly personal information.

I'm honestly super hesitant to post about it at all, I feel like I am now contributing to the problem, but I would rather people read about it in a post about how wrong it is to spread it, not on the screenshot itself. Idk man. Whole situation's fucked.

[danwhobrowses]

Castlevania Season 4 - My Thoughts

So we return, for the end Well, the 'end', there's possibility for expanded universe stories they say but for our current trio this is how we finish it

I've just binged it all so it's fresh in the mind, so I'm gonna look at the ups and downs of it all

You can also look at my review of season 3 if you'd like

Spoilers for Season 4, Watch it and get back here

So yeah, another great season, it had its downs but a lot of it had its ups too, which we will get to soon - but first let's get the negatives out of the way

What wasn't so good Nothing is perfect, and while a lot of these will be negatives they are mostly small negatives, stuff I felt could've been done a little bit better.

Saint Germain's heel turn could've been hidden So Saint Germain turning bad under the deception of death was a good way to establish conflict and pull back the rebus thing he mentioned in Season 3. But I kinda wish we didn't immediately know that he had broke bad, like we could've been super sly and coy about the fact that he's back and this time encountering Alucard only to be the orchestrator, like imagine the shock we could've had with learning what he was doing in the Castle then getting the flashback which drove him to it.

The rules of the ring change Last season Hector made the foolish decision of trusting Lenore, and while he got to bed a sexy vampire it had cost him all his freedom and the ring would prevent Hector acting against the coven of four sisters. But come this season it turns out that Hector was easily able to scheme against the sisters and invite the downfall of Camilla. Was a bit weird to establish that last season only to ignore it in the next.

The Patented Slow Start Castlevania has had a bit of a knack for starting slowly and Season 4 kinda did the same, things only really kicked off halfway through. Now of course we had to establish things; Trevor and Sypha being exhausted, the plans to resurrect Dracula, Alucard taking in the village and whatnot but we did linger on it a bit too much.

Striga's 'Day Armor' doesn't get enough time Striga took an ambush like a champ with a specialized armor that allowed her to fight in daylight. It was awesome and striking and looked absolutely badass...but that's the only time we saw it. It was just a shame really, granted it ended up that this was Striga's only time to fight, but we could've then used it for other characters, like the ambush dude who had his armor picked apart by the trio, or the Slavic vampire, just felt we could've done more with it.

CGI is sometimes a little shoddy The animation quality was mostly excellent, but that made it very glaring when some of the 3D rendering kinda hit an uncanny valley. I think the one that was most iffy was when Varney jumped into the mirror and then the mirror fragments just kinda wiped into the ground - even though Isaac's mirror tore a hole in the air - it was just a bit off-putting at times.

Couple of things left behind So when we ended it felt like we wrapped a lot of things up...except 2 things. One, where is Saint Germain's unnamed kickass lover? We caught her silhouette just walk away so we know she wasn't killed by Death, she's just 'out there' now. We also never got back to Targoviste, whose survivors must be wondering how to function since Sypha their only hope kinda disappeared on them, they'll also learn that their royals are dead, so it would've been nice to wrap that up.

Our heroes decide to use weapons sparingly In terms of arsenal we knew that our trio had a lot. The weird thing is that in some fights they just wouldn't use what would've been handy to them. There's of course Chekov's god dagger - which we didn't get too much explaining on - but Trevor would often just not use his Morningstar or Vampire Killer at times, even against two vampires, Sypha also seems to have forgotten how to use her wind magic or used her ice buzzsaw extremely sparingly and now Alucard can suddenly have bird wings...which could've been useful in prior fights.

We still lacked intelligent Night Creatures, and the badass vampires were underused So I still feel like it was very missed that the sentient night creatures of Season 1 didn't return still, especially since they were death's creatures. The one's dialogue with the priest is still among Castlevania's best and it's a shame we missed out on seeing more of it. In addition, the Ambusher's squad of vampires looked pretty cool, but like Dracula's council ended up just being swatted away after one fight, the same can be said with the Slavic vampire that was rolling with Varney. They didn't even get the pre-battle slaughter that Dracula's council did, Godbrand got more than these guys and that's a shame.

We don't get Bloody Tears or the Full Opening So the music was good, but we didn't get Bloody Tears again. For the final chapter of this saga it would've been better than using the opening song when the trio were together. Speaking of the opening song, we could've had the full length opening that we loved to see, small stuff but it would've elevated it.

Sypha is pregnant, because...because! So Sypha being pregnant is sweet, but it wasn't really needed aside from the throwaway 'trefor' joke which Alucard did better. Also that baby has gone through a lot, it's not like Sypha's been skipping in a meadow these past few weeks. Also they really gloss over how Trevor knows this and she doesn't

Some of this could've been done in a Season 5 This is more the fault of Netflix I'm guessing, since it does feel like after Season 3 we had much more to tell, but it did feel like some of the characters skipped a load of development. At the end of Season 3, Hector was beside himself in the fact that Lenore enslaved him, Isaac was still very bent on killing everything, Camilla is soaking in her genius and Alucard is more closed off than ever, but in Season 4 Hector is much more content and now has some legitimate connection to Lenore, Lenore is treated as sympathetic, Isaac is eating berries with a new outlook and Alucard decides to rescue a village because they asked, also he has a shield now. It does feel like half of what Season 4 had could've been in a Season 5, and then Season 4 could've built between having the growth be showed; Lenore feeling left out and confiding in Hector, Isaac deciding to bury the dead and rebuild the city, Trevor and Sypha having some friction in their relationship and Alucard not helping someone in need and then regretting it. As I said, this is probably not the show's fault, they were likely told that Season 4 would be it and they had to make do with it but in a vacuum it would've been nice to have had a little more build.

What was Awesome about it So I could easily just say 'the rest of it' but I guess I can afford to be a little more detailed.

Great Animation Aside from the CGI at times the animation was a top grade of excellence. I mean I watched the current My Hero Academia episode which really was pushing its budget and still I'm impressed by this animation, the artwork and settings were excellent too.

Downside: You're turning into Trevor, Upside: You get a strong warrior woman as a love interest While Alucard could've used some more time to go from emotionally scarred by 'the twins' to sympathizing with the town's plight, his character dynamic with Greta was great. Greta herself proved an excellent late addition being both a capable fighter, a strong independent leader and someone who was more than just an Alucard love interest. If you don't like strong women you're doing it wrong basically, and Alucard realising how he's turning into Trevor was some lightheartedness to Alucard combatting his loneliness and depression.

The Dialogue remains just as enthralling as the combat One of Castlevania's great strengths especially in seasons 1 and 3 were their use of gripping dialogue, the philosophical confrontations of different parties envelop the characters in greater depth thanks to the excellent script, primarily for Isaac and his chat with the bug man. The Slav Vampire also had a fantastic monologue.

Characters remain complex After four seasons it would've been easy to make some characters one dimensional, including the side villains, but Castlevania kept with the morally grey. The psycho noble clung hard to her delusions but her motives remained pure, as much as she was someone on the heroes' side she also infuriated Sypha, Saint Germain was driven to evil out of desperation but he still believably made amends in the very very end, Striga, Lenore and Morana were all on the side of the villains but had doubt about the scope of Camilla's ambition and made them consider their very nature. Simply put, it bodes well when characters have struggles that affect their motivation.

Layered Scheming 'Bring Back Dracula' was a simple premise, but the show did really well in connecting the channels between 3 plot areas, Trevor and Sypha learned of the plot by continually walking into scholar vampires attempt it, in Season 3 it was via a Night Creature in Isaac's name to start it all too, this connects to the Hector & Isaac story through Varney who schemes with the former to enact the plan, but this also connects to Alucard's story thanks to Saint Germain also plotting too. It was a clever way to entwine all three separate stories which would eventually bring things together.

Action still kicks a lot of ass Castlevania has good action? In other news water makes things wet. But still we got some great brutal action we've come familiar with in Castlevania. It could've been easy to go overboard like other shows had, which'd zone in on one thing like gore or nudity but Castlevania remained consistent in their action, looking for new lengths of creativity that never pushed its bounds. Of course building up to the final battle where we took it up a notch for the crescendo. Also I continue to call her Sypha 'Fatality' Belnades because god she kicks ass.

Isaac and Hector grow up It could've been easy and satisfying for Isaac to just roll up to Styria, take his revenge on Hector and leave, acting in both anger and mercy. But instead the characters grew beyond it, Isaac finally decides to heed what the shopkeeper and ship captain were saying rather than the crazy witch, Hector accepts his fate but works to try and make amends his own way. When the two finally cross again we see that both have accepted their humanity and instead of working for someone else they look to seek their own happiness, they forgive humanity in a way and it saves themselves. Their understanding to 'let Dracula rest' also grants them payoff from being Dracula's loyal commanders.

Camilla goes out swinging Where was this Camilla hiding huh? Brutal, Lightning powers and a crimson sword, I mean the wardrobe seems to be a bit less than last season and not battle-suited but dammit did Camilla grip you in her scenes. Her desperation and madness in taking over the world set her up to her downfall where she was betrayed and overwhelmed by Isaac's forces, but rather than let him have the satisfaction she kills herself. It could've easily fell flat because Camilla had just been sitting around like a vampire Cersei Lannister last season and end up proving her frustrations right by having a man take her life but instead she took control of her life and went out strong.

The bittersweet ending of Lenore At the end of season 3 the scheming Lenore claimed herself 'the diplomat', but having been shelved and fonder of Hector than usual it opened the door to explore her own grasp of control. The theme of enduring being prominent in this season for all the arcs we had. We learned the tragedy of Lenore's situation though, as a child of war diplomacy was her escape, she isn't comfortable with peace or total control, she can only live for conflict. While she does like Hector, she ends up valuing her own freedom in the end; and though we could've given more time to earn that sympathy we still accept it as she decides against a quiet life of surveillance freedom with Hector - ironically as Hector has lived under Camilla's captivity - and instead chose death. It was a much more poetic death than gruesome as well, after mulling how she mourned her sister because she understood the nature of greed she elected to make a choice rather than live without making any, looking at the sun for once and getting one last banter with Hector before immediately fading to dust. In a show that almost prides itself on hypergore and graphic deaths, this one was perhaps the most tranquil deaths of the show.

Striga and Morana overcome the greed Which leads to the final two of the four sisters. Camilla consumed herself with greed and died fighting for it, Lenore had no greed but also had no freedom so chose to die in order to be free, but lovers Striga and Morana were not in Styria for Isaac's attack, they were on the outskirts fighting and seeing the struggle firsthand. Their conflict over how they agreed and disagreed on certain aspects of the fight was intriguing, with the intermission of Striga on a tear in her swanky armour to tilt the tone to Striga's side of the argument. A Soldier and a Politician, both agreed though that Camilla's ambitions only worked on paper, so when confronted with their castle overrun and their sister dead it became a matter of duty or survival. Instead of dying in a good fight, Striga looked past her desire of battle and agreed to follow Morana in living, and Morana gave up any political power she could have under an empire to be a mercenary. They didn't overreach, and it spares them their lives in a surprising conclusion where the 'bad guys' still kinda get to live happily ever after.

The ReHumanization of Alucard Alucard has always been a fan favourite, but in the world of Castlevania he still acts as an outcast. While helping the village and getting close to Greta helps bring out some positive emotions in him, it's his dedication to saving the people that gives the show some of its lightest moments, especially when he toys with the kids. In a way it's what he wanted from the twins, but they had lived to not trust and wanted to kill rather than survive, and he grew a community out of it. Allowing the town to settle is the ultimate payoff for Alucard too, because it fulfills his mother's dream, now there are people who know the knowledge that his father did.

Bringing the old band together We all knew that Trevor and Sypha were gonna reunite with Alucard sometime near the end, I mean it's a shame they ditched a city that cannot organize themselves but they were kinda needed in the castle. What's best is that the moment came in it was like they never left, perfectly in sync and bantering off each other, when they fought the top level vampires it was their teamwork and synergy which made them overcome - which is great battle narrative too because alone they were getting beaten. It's just the stuff you love to see.

Trevor is tougher than Death The final battle being Trevor vs Death was a proper Attack on Titan-esque boss fight, just peeling away at the enemy and trying not to get hit. As well as a feast for the eyes it proved to be an entertaining climax - in spite of the limited info we got on the magic 3-piece dagger - and in a way it paid off Trevor's character journey. When we first met him he was an outcasted drunk that wanted nothing to do with the world let alone his family, but now he's here fighting death to save innocent people, his half-vampire buddy and his pregnant speaker magician girlfriend, being willing to give his own life for something bigger than himself, and succeeding...thanks to Saint Germain who owed him a favour and one very clever unsung hero of a horse. To tell you the truth when I saw the trailer I was expecting Sypha to have died and Trevor to be pulling her out of hell by fighting death, but this still worked really well and was perhaps a bit more logical to the canon they set.

Death is temporary, Dracula is forever With all the attempts to revive Dracula one had to work eventually. But back at Season 3 I'm sure we all thought about what would Dracula's reaction be anyway. I mean, yeah he's dead but his wife is there, you really wanna be the guy who ripped him from his wife a second time? It worked though because the people loyal to Dracula never truly understood his grief, they only wanted to further their own agendas through him. So when Dracula does come back in the final scenes with his wife, we see that Vlad Tepes is no longer the vicious killer he once was, not for now anyway. Reviving Dracula may make people think that Trevor and Sypha's actions in Season 3 and 4 were worthless because he still revives but you do have to remember that they do still save a few lives and make a few less night creatures. In addition if they want to expand the universe long into the future they can bring Dracula back in older and disillusioned again if they see fit.

He has many faces, but you still know him At about episode 8 I was really ramping up to tear into the Alchemist and Varney for being practically useless characters, but then the show went and hit me with a great twist by having both characters being guises of Death itself, the proper big bad of the season. It was a fantastic twist which validates the characters, because it was super suspect that the alchemist know where the girl was and said you can't look at her rebus, and that Varney felt like a beta Godbrand but still managed to slither away from the fights. His design was excellent too, the crown was really menacing.

A Surprise Happy Ending! Like, could any of us imagined that? The fight ends, Trevor and Sypha live happily to make a family, Alucard has his friends, a girlfriend and a community that appreciates him, Isaac has his own kingdom, Hector doesn't get the girl or a finger but he still has his freedom, Striga and Morana have each other, it mostly wrapped up very neatly and was earned, a satisfying end which closes the chapter on our trio.

Conclusion

It is sad to see great shows end, Castlevania's use of anime-style animation with gore and a strong voice cast has done extremely well, especially for a show who only got 4 episodes for a first season. It did feel like Netflix didn't give it a chance, but it pulled it off big time and escaped Netflix's cancel hammer long enough to bring a satisfying story, and one can hope we see more of this style and universe either in more Castlevania stories or even the rumored Devil May Cry adaptation.

[jawritter]

Dean Winchester One Shots

Happy Birthday Dean pt. 1

It’s Dean’s birthday, and you realize something about yourself you never knew before… Until now…                                

30 Minutes til Midnight (Happy Birthday Dean pt. 2!)

Sequel ot Happy Birthday Dean, will you finally tell him how you feel?

Middle of the road

Can you keep pretending your just friends, or will it all come out in the middle of the road.

Lonely as the grave

Dean struggles with his reality visiting the graveyard in his hometown of Lawrance, Kansas

The Fool

The reader comfronts Lisa, based on the song The Fool by Leanne Walmack

The Meeting

A secret releationship getts heated during a meet up

Waiting…

Waiting on your hero hunter to come home can be one of the harderst things you ever do.

Finally Yours

Alpha!Dean is in Rut, and only one Omega can help him through it!

Home

Six years ago Christmas Eve Dean made the biggest mistake of his life under influence of the Mark of Cane.

It Was Fifteen Years Ago Today

Haunted by the past tramas even Dean needs a little comfort sometimes.

I Did It Because I Love You

Dean’s been a complete and total asshole, what happenes when the reader finally has all she can take.

Happy Valenties Day Sweetheart

Dean shows the reader a little bit of his softer side….

I Kinda Like The Disease…

Your search for your demon boyfriend takes you to New Orleans during mardi grag…

Challenge Accepted..

Requested: ok so here is a request(idk if you do these)(also it’s smut) so dean talks about how good he is in the bedroom and the reader says something along the lines like “i bet you can’t make me come” Dean challenges this. In the bedroom and you know they doing the dirty or whatever. Dean edges her and edges her and just when the reader had enough of the teasing Dean finally takes her over her edge and the reader is left with the most hot shaking orgasm ever. I hope this makes sense! ❤️ur stories!!

Your Perfect

Request: the reader is always willing to go down on Dean but when Dean goes to return the favor the reader stops him and always finds an excuse. No one has ever offered to go down on her before so she’s insecure about it and doesn’t want to look weird in from of dean. i Hope this makes sense!

Curves

Requested: Can I request a Dean Winchester x plus size reader, where she really shy and dorky but believes that she really bad at sex because she is bigger? And dean shows her that she not 😊💕 I hope this make sense haha! I know this sound awkward turtle 🐢

You Deserve Better Than Me

Requested: Dean winchester x pregnant Reader. Dean feels the reader deserves better than what he can give her in his life, what will he do when he finds out that she’s expecting his baby?

Quarantine

Summery: Everyone is stuck in quarantine right now everywhere, and your stuck alone with Dean, who really needs to blow off steam… Oh what has your big mouth gotten you into now…

My Best Friend

Request: hiii i have dean x reader request! the reader and dean are friends with benefits but recently she’s just been down in the dumps and just wants some platonic affection and not sex. as the writer you can do what u want but could you add Dean playing with the readers hair? i have a weakness for it lol thanks!

Just A Dream…

Part 1

Part 2

Winchesters Fantasies 1000 follower Challenge…

Daddy’s Home

Request: Hey I know this is odd, but I really enjoy your writing and I was wondering if you could possibly do a little smutty Dean thing? Maybe using the name Lyn, and really anything is on the table, I mean, it’s Dean Winchester. (Or if you want, some daddy kink and maybe just rough stuff :o) Thank you dear!! You don’t have to if ya don’t want to, no pressure 💕💕

Like Pulling Teeth

Request: Okay, so I was just watching few recent spn episode and saw Garth episode. Which gave me an curious idea, can you write dentist reader x dean? They’re in a relationship, one day when dean eats something, it pains and reader has to look into it? and then reader says wisdom tooth extraction? Also the fear of dentist which dean already has (shown in the episode, I found it very funny) I know it’s a weird request but I also think it would be very funny🙈

Little Details…

Request: Could I maybe request a Chubby!Reader x Dean story? She’s super sweet and kind of laid back, just going along with the boys as a research partner, but she’s also super artsy and loves to draw Dean while she researches. Maybe some sweet and soft smut, oh! And maybe he plays with her hair? :) Thanks dear!! ����💛

Age Is Just A Number…

Request Hello :) How do feel about an age difference, post sex one-shot? Alternate universe (no hunting), consensual, not underage but quite a big age difference (like at least 10years) where Dean is like freaking out because he’s Dean and doesn’t want to destroy the girl’s life?

Mine…

Request: Could you do a one shot where the reader lives with Sam and dean they are best friends. The reader and dean have a secret relationship and dean gets jealous of the reader and Sam hanging out all day. So dean shows the reader who she belongs too in the bedroom.

Right In Front Of You…

Request: Dean x Reader. Reader is hunting with Sam and Dean, and she is constantly getting annoyed at every single thing that Dean does. And she always acts very bad with Dean with this making dean think that she hates him. And that makes mr very sad because he has feelings for her but when Dean save her sacrificing himself from a hunting gone wrong. She stars to develop feelings for him.

Jealous Of My Demons...

Requested: Dean get’s jealous of the reader’s former boyfriend Brady, who is now posses by a demon and working as a stable boy for the horseman pestilence. Who will they work this out?

Princess...

Request: Thank you for answering my question love!💕 can I request a Dean x plus size reader where she is super shy and it drives dean crazy? Fluff, smut? I’m sorry to bother you hahah and that this sounds awkward turtle 🐢 🖤😻

My Girl...

Requested: Hola! request for dean x reader: the readers current boyfriend always puts her down and one day threatens to breakup with her if she doesn’t lose weight, even though she’s not even plus sized or anything. She constantly pushes her body to the limit to lose the weight and dean notices. it ends all fluffy and protective!dean comes out and has a “talk” with the boyfriend. side note for anyone reader this: YOUR BODY IS BEAUTIFUL MAMA 💗🥺

Your Dean...

Request: Heyy! I'm sorry to be a bother. I was wondering if you can do a one shot where the reader is prone to severe panic attacks and her husband Dean is the only one who knows how to calm her down? She gets a really bad attack but Dean for some reason ain't there, and no one is able to help her but eventually he comes back and takes care of her. Sorry if this is a lot haha.

Safe. Warm. His...

Request: Are you taking requests? If so would you possibly write a one shot with Dean where the reader is in little space and just wants to cuddle and nuzzle her head in his neck and give him lots of little kisses and play with his hands? It’s just superrrr fluffy 🥺🥺🖤

One Hell Of A Thank You...

Request: Can I request a Dean Winchester x plus size reader, where the reader is really quirky and dorky and goes on a date but turns out her date is a vampire and kidnapped her and dean saves her and falls in love with her, maybe some angst, fluff and smut 💕

Voices..

Request: Can I request? Dean x reader were she has an Eating Disorder and she’s recovering but today was an off day for her and starts to go back to her old habits and Dean notices and helps her through it.

His Girl...

Request: May I request a Dean Winchester x plus size reader where the reader is very shy and she at a bar and some dirt bags are picking on her about her shortness and weight and dean stands up for her? Some smut and fluff ?? Also want to say you are a bop of a writer my love! ✨💕🥰❤️

Happily Ever After...

Request: Hey beautiful! May I request a Dean Winchester x plus size reader where the reader does all the research for the boys and she is very shy,she a huge Disney fan, one day demons get in the bunker and make fun of her and dean stand up for her and confess his love for her (smut)? And after they cuddle and watch lady and tramp? Fluff and smut you are a gem my dear! 💕

His New Toy...

Request: Hai can I request dean x reader smut with breast bondage and nipple play?? plot (if there is any) is up to you ;)

His Heaven...

Request: Heyy I love your ABO fics and I have a request for you. You can always say no to this if you’re uncomfortable. I’ll completely understand and I’m very sorry. Can you do one with Alpha!Dean x Omega!reader. Where the reader is on a supply run and she gets assaulted and tortured by a monster and when she gets back to the bunker somehow, she only allows her Alpha anywhere near her and refuses help from anyone else. Dean takes care of her and helps her heal.

Something Worth Fighting For

Request: Hi love! Your writing is amazing and I was wondering if you could do a Dean x depressed!reader? Like dean finds the reader about to jump off the roof of the bunker after reading the note she left him and sam saying goodbye. He had never suspected anything cause she hid it so well. Dean saves her and tells her his feelings for her? You can also add any details you want or anything like that! There is no rush! Thank you!

Unlikely Places

Trigger Warning: Non-Con

Request: Hi! I love your work! Can you do a ABO? One where the reader is Beta, and Dean Alpha, and she’s his true mate/soulmate, but they don’t know it, and he gets possessive and goes into almost a feral rut where he tries to claim, and it almost kills her but Sam and Rowena save her and give Dean his Omega back? You come up with the plot because you’re amazing at that!! Please! I’d be forever in your debt!

I Hurt Too

Request: hi there! I have seen loads of fics and one shots where Dean is sleeping around/having a one night stand and the reader gets jealous and upset, but I was wondering if I could request one with the other way around? or maybe one where they sleep around equally? as smutty, fluffy, or angst as you want!!

What’s Left Of Me

Summary: Who know one little woman could have turned his whole world upside down? He had done so good alone for so long. Then here you come along, and ruin everything

Elf

Summary: Maybe being stuck at home alone with Dean for Christmas isn’t so bad after all.

Save Me

Summary: It’s not always easy being the hero, especially when no one is ever there to save you.

Saving Grace

Summary:  Some things are worth fighting for, even when they think they’re not. You can either roll over and die, or you can pick yourself up off the ground and go get what you want. That’s the place Y/N now finds herself in.

Living With Regret

Summary: Death can be hard to deal with in any aspect, but when you’re in the life, it's something you deal with all to often, and carry with you until it's your turn to burn.

Happy Halloween

Summary: It’s Daddy’s favorite holiday. So what’s a good girl gonna do, but let him blow off some steam after a successful hunt?

I’ll Wait For You

Summary:  Sometimes when we’re angry, hurt, or scared we say things wrong. Say things that hurt the ones we love. When Dean takes things a step to far can you find it in your heart to forgive him?

An Alpha And His Omega

Summary:  Sometimes Alpha’s aren’t the assholes, sometimes words Omegas say things that can hurt too. 

No, Screw You Sweetheart

Summary: You HATE Dean Winchester, I mean you really, REALLY hate Dean Winchester.

30 Minutes In Heaven

Summary: Your life, like many hunters before you, was cut short. You had no idea at the time the Fates that were at play in the universe were really those of dick angles and egotistical assholes with massive god complexes. And you also had no idea that they were really the reason you lost your life, and you had no idea why… Until around 30 minutes after you made it to Heaven.

The Devil And I

Pt. 1   Pt. 2   Pt. 3

Summary: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? You survived after you thought your mate had died, but how will you survive finding out he's alive, only different.

Don’t Let It Show...

Summary: She’s had enough of him, just like every other woman always seems to, and normally, he doesn’t care, but this time...this time it hurts.

Don’t Fear The Reaper

Summary: They took him from her, her knit, her king, her Dean, “cured” him, and now she’s going to get him back, she’s going to set him free.

Scars And All

Summary:  You and Dean have a strange, mutual relationship, but that’s all it is, physical. Until an almost bar fight brings some things to light that you thought you’d never hear.

I Almost Lost You

Summary:   Sometimes, monsters aren't always monsters...sometimes they're people.

Touch Starved

Summary: Sometimes when the hunt is hard, and his mind is loud, Dean just wants to be close to someone he loves, but is to scared to say it out loud. Thankfully, she knows him better than he knows himself.

I Wanna Be Your Everything

Summary:  After a huge fight, and a week away from Dean, he’s finally decided it was okay to have the ending he’d always wanted.

One More Sunset

Summary: Dean just wants the pain to go away...

[iceshard1011]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Kaimi Alvi/Katrina "Calamity" Santos Characters: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders, Original Characters, (credit of patentpending), Misleading Compliment | Missy Sanders, (mentioned) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Fanfiction, Unreliable Narrator, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Has PTSD, Crying, References to Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Misunderstandings, Brief Internalized Transphobia, it's LAMP but there's a focus on Prinxiety, because i'm a predictable nerd, Miscommunication, spoilers for patentpending's Powerless, for the love of god read that first, 1. it's a good read, and 2. this will spoil the hell out of it Summary:

Three times Roman panicked over Virgil, and one time Virgil panicked over Roman.

Speculated alternate universal continuation of patentpending’s Powerless.

okay, did this for @patentpending. hope it’s okay! x 5k word fic is below, but please heed the spoiler warnings.

Patton got it slightly worse than Logan. Kaimi, the passionate yet kind-hearted and humble reporter — a sweet girl who couldn’t stand a mere picture of a drop of blood — was somewhere between the two. Perhaps unsurprisingly, however, ex-superhero Roman ‘The Prince’ Garcia had it the worst.

The actor could hardly be blamed. He had already suffered a fair amount of nightmares, waking up with a jolt in his penthouse’s bed, with Missy blinking sleepily up at him and asking what was wrong.

One doesn’t simply live through years of battles and fighting and bloodshed and walk away without demons. The names across Roman’s chest said as much.

He had seen his fair share of death over years of being The Prince, and while admitting this was sickening, it was not something Roman was unfamiliar with. He’d watched people die in front of him. He had caused many of the deaths himself during the fights.

He knew all this.

He also knew that it was completely logical to react to a particular, recent death in a particularly violent, particularly traumatised manner.

(He also knew he was never particularly good at listening to anyone, even himself.)

Sometimes, Roman Garcia had bad days. Days where he woke up and felt sick to his stomach for just existing. Days where he struggled to move, because the images flashing through his mind made his head spin. Days where he couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, where he barely ate, where he quailed away from comforting touches and wanted to slam his hands over the sides of his head and scream when voices tried to ask what was wrong.

He wasn’t sure what these days meant. He felt too much to be depressed. It went on far too long to be anxiety attacks. It felt too different to the post-traumatic stress episodes he had when struggling to find his way home after the sun had set.

(But he never voiced any of this, because somehow, he had a feeling Logan would vehemently disagree, which spoke levels of itself.)

Sometimes, Roman could feel the Bad Days approaching. Sometimes he struggled to fall asleep, with a strange pit curling inside him somewhere. Sometimes, it didn’t travel into the following day.

Most times, though, it did.

It was one of those Bad Days. Sometimes Roman tried to ignore it. He tried to act his way out of it. He didn’t like having Bad Days, not only because they made him feel like he was literally dying and he wanted it to stop he wanted to stop thinking stop moving stop breathing he wanted it to stop stop stop STOP!

But because he didn’t want to take away from his family’s bad days. Even with Patton’s coloured wristbands, the little puffball still struggled sometimes — and that was okay! They all always did their best to make sure the heart of their group was okay, and comfortable, and did everything they could.

Logan’s back still ached some days. Sometimes, it was so bad he couldn’t move from bed, and had to spend hours trying to just sit up. It was painful to watch, and Roman knew he hated sympathy, so he did his best not to show the way his heart twisted at the sight of the astronomer’s pain.

Virgil covered his bad days so well. Roman imagined it was the built-up practice of having days throughout his entire life dealing with dysphoria and discrimination and judgement and being spat on and ridiculed for something he couldn’t help. He may have been used to those kinds of bad days, but obviously not the days brought on by guilt, by the thoughts of what the thing  he  created did to people all over the world, the destruction and horror and death, all in the wake of his too-brilliant mind and too-nimble fingers. Those days were usually preceded by slow days with not much activity, phantom pains, struggling movements to do so much as hold a mug with his prosthetic arm.

It really wasn’t a surprise that Roman’s Bad Days followed Virgil’s.

So, he tried to smile, tried to stop his hands from shaking, tried to not crumble with every step he took.

Somehow, it was never enough.

On this particular Bad Day, Roman was trembling. He did that, sometimes, when it was really bad. He couldn’t stop. It was a constant tremor, in his nerves, shooting through his blood, curling in his limbs, shuddering up his body.

He had done his best to avoid his roommates. He had slept in that morning, half genuinely trying to go back to sleep, half feigning sleep whenever Virgil quietly shuffled into the room to check on him. When he finally got out from under the covers, he spent at least an hour and a half in the bathroom, under scalding shower water and making himself more presentable than strictly necessary as he  knew he was not going to be mentally equipped to leave the apartment today.

“‘Morning,” a quiet, gruff voice greeted Roman as he finally mustered up the coward to step out of the comforts of his bedroom.

Almost immediately, the confidence he’d been trying to summon all morning threatened to leave him.

Roman swallowed. “Good morning, Sunshine!” he chirped merrily, gliding into the living room. “Where’s the rest of the fam?”

“Went out for lunch,” Virgil said from the kitchen. Roman blinked, and Virgil glanced over his shoulder at the silence. “It’s one in the afternoon, Ro.”

“Oh.” Roman felt slightly faint, but he wasn’t sure if that was part of having a Bad Day.

“You must have had something of a busy night.” Virgil smirked and skulked from the kitchen, moving over to him, and Roman wondered if he was going to need to rush back into the bathroom. “Insatiable thoughts keeping you up, love?”

Roman’s tongue was heavy. “Not quite,” was all he could murmur in reply.

Virgil’s perfect brow furrowed, his gorgeous eyes flicking with worry, and his lips were  not  flecked with blood, that was just Roman’s imagination, they were in the apartment and it was fine, and oh god, he was losing it, he couldn’t keep it together, not today, not right now, he was going to— he needed—

“Roman!” Virgil’s yelp of concern was drowned out by the roaring in Roman’s ears as he threw up in the kitchen trash can. The ex-hero’s arms trembled in an effort to keep him up.

Focus, focus. It’s okay. It’s fine.

Gravity felt like it was trying it’s best to drag him to the ground. He felt just like he had when he’d first lost his powers, trembling and scared and desperate—

He heaved again.

There was a smooth, rubbing sensation running up and down his back, and it helped as he coughed and spluttered and hacked up more bile.

“Oh, baby,” Virgil’s voice whispered, and Roman’s stomach twisted again, but he had nothing left to throw up. “I didn’t know you were feeling sick.”

“‘M not,” Roman mumbled, feeling light-headed.

“Let’s get you back to bed, yeah?” Virgil murmured, and Roman felt boneless as his boyfriend guided him into their bedroom. Something damp and warm wiped at his face and he pulled away with a grimace. Something else was thrust in his face, and he squinted at it.

“Rinse and spit,” Virgil ordered, gesturing to the glass of water and the tub he was holding. Roman obeyed without protest, then sunk back down against the bed sheets he’d fought so hard to escape from.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but it seemed to go far too quick before Virgil was back beside him.

“Did you eat something funky?” Virgil asked, pressing a blessedly cold hand to Roman’s flushed forehead. “No one else was feeling ill.”

It took a minute for Roman to realise that the reason Virgil’s hand was so cold wasn’t due to his natural lack of normal bodily heat, but because it was his metal hand. The one he had made for himself, after he had lost it, after his eyes had widened and gone pale and—

Roman was going to be sick again.

He wondered, though, if he was going to vomit, why Virgil had not rushed to get something for him and had instead sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Roman against him.

It was a moment before he realised that the thing bursting from his chest wasn’t vomit, but hoarse, screaming wails.

Virgil hushed him over and over again. He ran his hands — only one hand really, and god Roman’s chest was hurting, was he even breathing? — up and down Roman’s back, through his hair, caressing his cheeks, rubbing his arms. Anything and everything to try and soothe his boyfriend.

Virgil would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. He had never seen Roman like this. Even at his wits end as a hero, even in the heat of a battle, no matter what had happened, Roman had never broken like this, ever.

Virgil, in no way, thought Roman was broken, as a rule. He wasn’t useless or weak or any of the things he knew Roman struggled with labelling himself. After everything, he was still one of the strongest people Virgil knew, and he had met many people over the course of a few months.

So what on Earth could have set Roman off? He knew sometimes that the ex-hero struggled with not being able to zip around town to nab food, or smell the far-off ocean, or hear his family’s heartbeat unless he was pressed against their chest… but he had never broken down just like this.

Maybe it was a build-up. Maybe it was everything that had piled onto him spilling out. It was certainly a possibility, wasn’t it?

But then Virgil pressed his hand — the right one — to Roman’s flushed cheek, and his boyfriend  keened,  jerking away from him and scrambling back across the bed.

Horrified, Virgil raised his hands.

“Hey, sorry, baby,” he said, as gently as he could.

Roman’s chest was heaving, the only colour in his face from the flush of loss of oxygen from crying. His eyes were wide and wild and darted around. He was shaking all over. He’d stopped screaming, but his mouth still hung open, like he meant to keep crying but had rubbed his throat raw.

“What is it?” Virgil asked, and Roman met his eyes. “Tell me what’s happening, Ro.”

Roman looked like he was torn between reaching for Virgil and tearing into his own scalp — and, well, Virgil knew which one he personally preferred.

“Can I come over?” he asked. Roman buried his face into his knees and whimpered. “I’m going to sit next to you, okay?” He slowly shuffled forward, making sure to be as obvious about where he was at all times. He leaned forward so his breath brushed against Roman’s bangs. He didn’t touch him. “Hey.”

Roman didn't look up, but his quivering, pale, sweaty hand moved from where it was clutching the blankets and inched over to grasp the edge of Virgil’s sleeve.

“I’m here,” he assured Roman softly. “Just take your time.” Roman’s shoulders shook. Slowly, carefully, Virgil linked their pinkies together. “Breathe, Pretty Boy. You’re okay.”

“I’m— sorry, I’m sorry—” Roman gasped, but Virgil cut him off.

“Ah-ah.” He shuffled ever closer, brushing their legs together. “No apologising.”

“I couldn’t— I— you—”

“Breathe.” Virgil pulled Roman’s hand up by the sleeve, not kissing it but just barely pressing his lips to his boyfriend’s calloused knuckles. “Four, seven, eight, remember? Four, seven, eight.”

Roman nodded unsteadily.

They sat like that, for what could have been minutes or hours, Virgil wasn’t sure. Logan and Patton hadn’t planned on returning for another few hours, so that allowed the pair to sit in relative silence. Roman’s heavy breaths still shook in the still air, and every now and then he whimpered. Virgil didn’t move to touch him. Roman didn’t pull away. Virgil wondered if he had had a sensory overload.

“Do you want the fidget cube?” he asked softly. Roman hesitated.

“Where is it?” he asked in a rasping voice.

“Wherever you last left it,” Virgil answered with a smirk. He made to pull away. “I’ll go find it.”

Roman’s grip tightened. “No!”

Virgil froze and slowly moved back. “Okay. Staying here.”

“Th-thank you,” he gasped. “I-if you leave, I’m scared— I’ll— spiral—”

Virgil’s throat thickened with the urge to cut him off and tell him to breathe, but maybe Roman needed to say what he was thinking.

“I’ll see— red— it’ll be red and gold all over again— and I can’t— I won’t—”

Virgil frowned. What on Earth was he talking about? He squeezed their fingers.

“Can’t do that again, Virgil, I can’t!”

“Okay,” Virgil said. “I won’t leave.”

“Please don’t,” Roman agreed with a sob. “Please don’t leave me. Please.  Please.”

“I won’t. I’m not.” Virgil pressed carefully closer. “I’m right here. I’m staying here.”

Roman shuddered and finally lifted his head. His eyes, bloodshot and tired, met Virgil’s, and he had to bite back a gasp.

Roman looked shattered. Like someone had taken something that meant the world to him and thrown it to the ground and let the pieces break into millions of tiny little pieces so small and far and in between that there was no hope of ever rebuilding what he’d lost. There was a lump lodging itself in Virgil’s throat.

“What is it, Roman?” he asked, quietly, desperately. “Please talk to me. Let me help. I want to help.”

“Make me stop thinking about it,” Roman begged. “Please, Virgil. I can’t— I can’t live like this anymore, I want it to stop, I need it to stop!”

“What, baby?” Virgil whispered fervently, moving to kneel in front of Roman and press his hands to his face. “What do I need to stop?”

Roman caved, fresh tears rolling down his face, and he reached up to grasp onto Virgil’s right hand. Virgil couldn’t feel it, but he could see Roman’s knuckles going white in his grip.

It took approximately three seconds.

And then—

Oh.

“Oh.” Virgil’s voice was choked. He was half worried he was going to throw up next. “Oh, Roman…”

“I keep— having these days— bad days, where I can’t think about anything else, and it’s— it’s hard, to function, to do anything, really, and I want to be near you — I really, really do, always, forever, but it gets scary, and it hurts, and all I can think about is— is—!”

“Can I hug you?” Virgil asked.

“Please,” sobbed Roman. “Please, please, hug me.”

Half of a second later, Virgil was curled around Roman, protecting him from all angles of the world, wishing more than anything that he could protect Roman from the battle waging inside his own mind.

He thought it could have been the lack of Roman’s powers. If that was the case, love and admiration was required.

If it had been a flashback, or Missy, then a distraction was in order.

If it had been literally anything else, Virgil would have been prepared.

His dumb ass had never once considered anything before or after the moment he woke up, disorientated, and confused in the clearing of that tower, Roman bent over him and shaking like he was now.

Whenever Roman quailed away from his touch, Virgil had always thought that it was a recovering-from-abuse day. When Roman stayed in his room all day, Virgil thought he needed to be by himself for the time. When he refused to meet Virgil’s eyes, he thought he was still mad at him for creating that weapon that destroyed so many lives. When Roman turned Virgil down during nights when he was feeling excited and hungry and that pulling want to be pressed against him, Virgil had let himself worry that it was because he was wrong, because Roman didn’t want someone like him.

All this time, Virgil had been worrying about himself, while Roman had been slowly crumbling under horror and blood.

Virgil swallowed down the emotion clogging his throat.

What the hell was wrong with him?

“I love you,” Roman was saying, over and over and over again, and “I’m sorry, sorry, so sorry,” and Virgil couldn’t have either of that going unchecked.

“Shh,” he hummed, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. Breathe. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Roman looked up, opening his mouth to protest, but Virgil pressed his finger to his boyfriend’s lips. “Ah-ah,” he said softly, “no apologising.” More tears squeezed from Roman’s eyes. Virgil pressed their foreheads together. “I love you, too.”

Roman hiccupped. More tears rolled down his face.

That’s it, Virgil decided. Arms still around Roman, he sent a quick text to Logan and Patton, either to not worry about returning in time for dinner or being extra quiet when they came back. Then he pulled back (and pressed a kiss to Roman’s temple when he made a wounded noise at the retreat) and moved to close the blinds before wriggling from his binder. He shuffled them both beneath the bed covers.

“Nap time,” he declared.

Roman looked startled. “It’s barely noon.”

“Nap time,” Virgil insisted, and Roman relented. “Come here.” Gently, Virgil guided Roman’s head down to his chest, where he could rest his ear directly over Virgil’s heartbeat. A long, long breath blew from Roman’s nose. His own heartbeat, which had previously been thudding madly against Virgil’s stomach, slowly calmed.

Smiling, Virgil slipped his headphones from his pocket and connected them to his phone. He picked a calming but engaging playlist and offered Roman one bud. Tension slowly, slowly, bled out of his tight frame.

Virgil kissed the top of his boyfriend’s head.

“I’m here,” he said again, and this time it meant something entirely different. “I love you.”

Between Virgil’s gentle breath ever-so-slightly ruffling the crown of Roman’s hair, his steady-beating heart thumping under one ear and the calming music in the other, Roman fell asleep quickly.

After that, Roman didn’t have as many Bad Days. Or, maybe he did, and he just didn't remember, because now Virgil knew what to look for, and how to fix it. Roman also had a sneaking suspicion that Virgil had let something slip to the others, because they were always just as helpful as Virgil when he wasn’t around.

Sometimes, though, it wasn’t so much as it was the random Bad Days, as it was bad nights.

Roman was standing on the very top of the tower. The sun was setting gloriously over the ocean, casting the city in a beautiful golden-orange glow that reflected off the brown of Roman’s eyes. Wind ruffled at his hair. He could smell the sea spray. He could hear children laughing as they walked home from school. His chest swelled. This was his city, and he had done well with it.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Princey,” Virgil said beside him, and Roman’s heart beat harder at the small smirk he shot his way. “You had some help.”

Roman grinned, sauntering over to raise an eyebrow down at his adversary. “That I did. I really must thank Calamity at some point.”

“Oh, sure, for being thrown into a tree?” Virgil rolled his eyes, a smile of his own tugging at his lips. Roman almost wanted to eat that look off his face.

So he did.

And after a heated make-out session perched precariously on top of the highest point in the city, Roman took the time to just stare into those gorgeous, thunderous eyes.

You’re beautiful, he thought, all the time. You’re stunning. You’re so clever and strong, and I wish I could be anywhere near worthy of you or your time. You deserve more than this could have ever given you.

“I love you,” he said, because he could, now, he had learnt how to.

Virgil grinned that happy, carefree grin.

“So this is who you’ve replaced me for,” a pleasant, chilling voice said from behind Roman.

He turned, narrowly missing a strange, thrumming attack from Missy, and glared at her.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded. Her smile was innocent compared to what she practically purred.

“Only what I’m best at.”

Roman’s lip curled angrily as she leaned forward, her voice a whisper against his ear.

He wouldn’t actually remember what she had said to him, then. He would only hear a quiet gasp, not quite a breath and not quite a wheeze, sounding simultaneously right at his neck and a hundred yards from him.

He turned, but he lost his footing, and suddenly he wasn’t standing on the tower anymore, and he couldn’t reach out, he couldn't  move,  gravity was dragging him down and he couldn’t get to Virgil and Virgil was already dead and Missy had won and he was powerless and useless and he couldn’t do anything and—

“Roman! Ro, breathe! It’s okay! It’s alright, breathe.”

Roman blinked, and he was sitting on a soft ground, in a dark room…

He swallowed, and the bedroom was suddenly very, very quiet. He coughed, his raw, and wondered how long he’d been screaming for.

Roman rubbed his throat gingerly as a pair of hands flittered about, pressing against his body, his face, accompanied by a murmuring, reassuring voice. Lips pressed to his forehead, his temple, his nose, cheek, chin, eyelids, everywhere they could reach, and Roman heaved a breath.

Finally, he managed to meet Virgil’s gaze through his own fear and the dark room.

“Hey, Stormcloud,” he croaked. “Sorry for waking you.”

Virgil cut him off by kissing him soundly on the lips. “What have I told you about apologising?”

“If it gets me a kiss each time, I think I’m inclined to keep doing it,” Roman said with a sore attempt for a smile. Virgil didn’t comment on the rough edges of his expression, the way his voice wavered, or how his hands shook. He wrapped his arms around Roman’s chest, resting his head on his shoulder.

“What was it?” Virgil asked, because most times Roman took solstice in admitting his fears, especially when they came in the form of a nightmare.

Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist and dragged him to sit practically in his lap. “Nothing.”

There was a pause, because he was obviously lying, and there was only one nightmare Roman refused to talk about. Virgil knew this, and he never pushed. He didn’t need to, anyway.

“Well.” He pressed a kiss to Roman’s shoulder, slowly moving up to his neck. Roman sagged against him, glad for the contact. Virgil nuzzled into his boyfriend. “Nothing sure seems like a whole lot.”

“Unfortunately,” Roman agreed somberly.

“Think you can go back to sleep?” Virgil murmured. Roman twisted to bury his face in his soft, purple hair.

“Cuddle?” Roman asked tentatively, because sometimes Virgil tightened his binder too much and Roman never wanted to cause him any discomfort.

Virgil smiled, because he knew Roman worried, and he was never opposed to cuddling. “Of course.” He guided the two of them down, letting Roman snuggle up to his chest in his favourite position, where he could feel Virgil’s heartbeat and feel his breath.

Virgil wrapped his arounds around Roman’s torso and squeezed reassuringly. Roman was already asleep again. Virgil fell asleep himself with a smile on his face. Neither of them woke until broken morning light was streaming onto their faces.

Roman wasn’t entirely sure what had happened.

He remembered Calamity stumbling into the city centre, yelling for everyone to get down. He remembered being confused moments before the place exploded in flames. He remembered groaning and realising Virgil had thrown them to the ground, covering him with his right side. He remembered Patton fussing over the four of them, assured they were all okay and uninjured.

Kaimi may have been there, at some point, helping them to usher everyone away.

He remembered the new supervillain picking a fight with Calamity. He might have remembered Kaimi’s outraged cries when she hit the ground.

He remembered as he rushed for Calamity’s side, and she was fine, but then the villain’s focus was on them.

He remembered feeling that same old frustrated agitation at being useless, powerless. Helpless.

He remembered Virgil stepping in to try and defuse the situation. He definitely remembered the villain raising a weird-looking gun in his boyfriend’s direction.

And from there out, he was back on that tower. He was throwing himself at Missy, tearing and batting and punching and fighting with everything he had because he had to keep her away. He was without powers, but he was still strong, and he was determined, and he wasn’t going to let her hurt him again, she would never hurt anyone again.

And then they were both falling, and Missy was shrieking beneath him, except it wasn’t Missy, it was the villain, and they were beaten to all hell, and god, had he done that? And there were flashing lights, and people talking, some were shouting, and he was still twisting, still kicking, still fighting—

“Hey, hey!” Virgil’s voice said, and Roman froze. His vision cleared. His boyfriend, whole and unharmed and okay and concerned, so damn concerned, was in front of him, cold hands on either side of his face.

Roman lost himself in those seas of grey and silver, and all the fight left him. He collapsed into Virgil’s chest, pressing his face into his boyfriend’s neck.

“Kaimi, get some help!” Virgil shouted over Roman’s head, and he tried shaking his head.

“‘M okay, Virge,” he mumbled. Virgil hushed him. Cool hands ran through his hair, and he melted.

The rest of it was a blur.

Nothing caught up with Roman until he was mildly thinking that he wasn’t hungry enough to eat this cookie, and he blinked, confused.

He looked up and around him, taking in the interior of Bake My Day. It was dark outside, and empty. The sign on this side of the door said, Welcome! We are OPEN. He looked down at the plate of Crofters Jam cookies in the middle of the table shared between him, Virgil, Logan and Patton.

He blinked spastically, trying to make sense of what was happening.

“Hey, Pretty Boy.” A hand was clutching his. Roman looked across at Virgil, who smiled at him. “How’re you doing?”

“I…” Roman tried to speak, but his mouth was dry.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” Patton murmured, rubbing his back.

“You went into shock,” Logan explained. “You didn’t respond on the way to the hospital, or the way back here. We were told it would fade by itself.”

Roman blinked again. “What happened?”

No one seemed keen to answer that question.

“Kaimi and Katrina went home,” Patton answered without answering. “They were both okay. The police took care of the villain. He doesn’t have a name yet, apparently.”

“I… I mean to me,” Roman said weakly. “What happened to me?”

“We don’t know,” Logan said quietly. “You… snapped.”

“You got so angry.” Patton’s voice trembled; almost scared. “You just… lost it. You threw yourself at that villain like you still had your powers. It was…” The purple wristband was flush against their skin as they clasped their hands together too tightly to be comfortable. “It was so scary.”

Roman recoiled slightly, stricken. Logan didn’t notice, too busy focusing on Patton, rubbing his thumb gently along their hands.

“It wasn’t you that was scary.”

Roman looked around to see Virgil had moved from his seat across from him and was now crouching beside his chair. “It was the idea of your actions. How reckless you got.” A hint of a smile played at Virgil’s lips. “You looked kind of hot, being that badass.”

Roman couldn’t find similar happiness in himself. “I attacked that… that person.”

Virgil worked his jaw before nodding mutely.

Roman blinked rapidly, trying desperately to work out how to feel. He opened and closed his mouth as Virgil stood, rubbing his hands into Roman’s shoulders.

“I wasn’t… here,” he said finally, and Logan and Patton glanced at him. He kept his focus on Virgil and those beautiful eyes of his, willing him to understand, to not make him explain it. “I was… I was back there again.”

Virgil softened ever-so-gently, and Roman felt a tidal wave of relief crash into him at the understanding.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying, although he knew Virgil hated it. “I don’t mean to do it. Sometimes it just happens, I can’t help it. It’s so stupid, I’m stupid, god, I’m so dumb, I wish I would stop, I’m so—”

Virgil’s lips were on his, cutting his stream of words short. Roman closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of his boyfriend pressed against him. He gripped Virgil’s waist, taking the time to calm his racing mind. He was in Bake My Day. Virgil was kissing him. Logan and Patton could either be cooing or looking exasperated.

When Virgil pulled back, his voice was quiet, subdued. “I think I have to stop rewarding you for this kind of thing.”

“I’m not so sure,” Roman said, leaning forward for another kiss.

“If I may interject,” said Logan, carefully, “Roman?”

Only a little peeved, Roman turned from his boyfriend to the astronomer, who looked rightly sheepish, but there was something else in his eyes — apprehension, but with touches of something softer, kinder.

“What you’re feeling is natural. It’s healing. Have you… brought this up with Dr. Picani?”

Roman ducked his head. Logan sighed expectantly.

“I know, I know,” Roman grumbled. “I’ll… next time we go, okay? Is that okay?” he asked Virgil, who of course smiled and kissed his cheek, murmuring a soft,  Yeah.

“I’m—” Roman cut himself, despite Patton’s curious look. “Tired,” he finished himself, with a woozy smile.

Patton smiled back. “It’s been a big day. Why don’t we retire for the night?”

The night air was cool as it swirled around the four of them, laughing and joking. Logan groaned and Virgil smirked at Patton’s puns. Patton squeezed Roman’s hands, and Virgil rested his head on Roman’s shoulder. Logan got caught in a lecturing infodump about some fascinating concept he’d recently discovered.

Roman thought that maybe, as they walked hand-in-hand, he was going to be okay.

It wasn’t often that anyone made moves on Roman.

Not only was he quite physically intimidating and quite often surrounded by a group of friends, more often than not he had a purple-haired gremlin he had dubbed early on as “his boyfriend” at his side.

Even then, however, when he wasn't around any of his family members, and off by himself (on rare occasions), it wasn’t something he had on his mind.

Until he ventured off to look at some stall in the distance that looked like it could be selling Disney posters.

Markets took up this side of the city every Sunday, and Roman had begged and pleaded to go ever since he found out. He didn’t want to go alone, because where would the fun in that be? Finally, eventually, Virgil had agreed, followed by Logan. (Patton had never needed much convincing.)

And now Roman was mightily regretting it. Both dragging the others along to the festive markets and darting away from them to go look at something by himself.

Roman was good at saying no. He was!

He was just also… easily flustered.

“Oh, come on, pretty boy,” the man before him purred, and Roman wrinkled his nose.

“Like I said,” he bit out firmly, “I’m fine.”

“You are,” the man agreed, and he almost reminded Roman of supervillain Remy The Sandman. “I could take you back to my place, if—”

“It is the middle of the day,” Roman said. Just walk away, his instincts snarled at him, sounding familiarly like Virgil, and for once Roman listened.

He turned.

And his arm was grabbed.

Roman jolted, surprised. He hadn’t been touched like that before, by a stranger. Not like this, anyway, where his muscles and bones were just as fragile as everyone else’s, and he could bruise, and bleed, and it was a very startling truth.

He was so shocked that he didn’t think to pull away while the man leaned in, breath nipping at his chin.

Then the man cried out, and his hand released Roman’s arm, and Virgil was raising a second fist to hit the man again.

“Not your metal arm, babe,” Roman said automatically, and Virgil paused. After a moment of indecision, he kicked the man’s knee, and he cried out again, dropping to the ground.

“Do yourself a favour and piss off,” Virgil snarled. His face was contorted with fury. One fist was shaking with rage, the other creaking under the strain he was putting it. Roman’s pursuer quailed away with a scowl, then limped off.

Roman was still in a daze as Virgil whirled on him, his face instantly flickering back to worried and loving and affectionate and god, Roman was so,  so in love.

“Are you okay?” Virgil was asking frantically, his eyes scanning his boyfriend. “Are you hurt? Did he do anything to you?”

“I’m a hot mess,” Roman confessed pragmatically.

Virgil stared at him uncomprehendingly. “Meaning…?”

“You are very, very attractive when you’re pissed.”

Virgil flushed, his eyebrows raising. “Oh. Um.” He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed, and a smile tugged itself onto Roman’s face.

“It’s okay,” he assured him. “You’re always very attractive anyway, so I’m mostly used to it.”

“Oh, stop,” Virgil told him. Roman did, though only in favour of kissing him until they were both breathless.

[craniumhurricane]

call me, baby, if you need a friend

Cleaning up some old WIPs. This has been in my drafts since end of season 2/around season 3.

Basically 4 times Clarke calls Bellamy and 1 time that Bellamy calls Clarke.

Thank you @casleyislove and @sushigirlali for always reading things before I post them!

[ On AO3! ]

___

(i)

It's a quiet night in at the Blake apartment. Or, at least, for Bellamy it is. He's having a nice Friday night by himself after surviving a truly grueling week of finals. Octavia tried to convince him to go out and celebrate the end of the semester the "right way," but he turned her down… he's still not quite sure how he managed to do that.

His feet are currently propped up on the coffee table with a large bowl of store brand cocoa puffs in his lap. Bellamy may be an adult but damn if he isn’t going to celebrate the end of the term with sugary cereal… nevermind that he didn’t actually make time to grocery shop this week. The TV was queued and ready for the marathon of Ancient Aliens episodes he’d missed due to studying, and he was just about to press play when he hears a short but insistent buzzing sound.  

Glancing around, his eyes land on Octavia’s phone sitting on the corner of the coffee table. She must have left it in her hurry to leave since she was running late to meet up with her boyfriend.

Bellamy keeps his eyes on it for a second before deciding to ignore it, and once again his finger hovers over the play button on the remote. Then the phone lights up again, this time with a phone call; a picture of Octavia and a curly haired blonde that he recognizes, the name CLARKE THE GRIFFIN flashing across the screen. He considers ignoring it for a second time but... if she’s resorting to actually calling instead of texting again then something could be seriously wrong.

Bellamy swipes his thumb across the screen to answer and brings the phone to his ear but before he can even say anything a voice on the other side interjects immediately.

“Men are dicks,” the woman says without preamble. “No! Worse than that. They're weird tumors that grow on dicks," she pauses, seems to think about it, and then adds, "Preferably life threatening.”

Bellamy blinks a few times before he answers, “I'm sure you're right, but don't you think that's a bit harsh?”

The line is quiet. He can hear her shifting the phone, no doubt checking the screen to make sure she called the right person.

“Octavia?”

“Bellamy.”

Clarke huffs. “Where's Octavia?” she snaps. He can hear the annoyance seeping into her tone, which in turn just makes him feel his own frustrations start to rise.

He tamps it down though. “On a date,” he answers.

She deflates at that, “Oh right. One month anniversary with Lincoln.”

He hums a confirmation and then they’re silent for a few minutes. So long that it’s Bellamy’s turn to look at the phone and make sure she’s still there. “Did you need something?” he asks once he sees that the call is still, in fact, in progress.

She takes a deep breath before answering, “I ended things with Finn tonight.”

Bellamy had only met Finn Collins a handful of times; the guy was fine except for a little cocky… and he always seemed to want to show off in front of pretty girls. His hair was too long and always styled like he was some kind of frat boy that came from big money even though Bellamy's 100% sure he never so much as pledged.

And then there was that one time he flirted with Octavia.

Ok, so Bellamy didn’t like the guy. But a break up is still a shitty thing to go through which is why he says, “I’m sorry,” and finds that he means it.

“Not your fault,” Clarke says immediately, “But I was kind of looking for someone to watch me binge drink and listen to me vent.”

He understands that, having gone through the same thing when he broke up with Roma at the start of the term. If you could really call them “hooking up occasionally” the same thing as dating, but still, getting drunk with Miller had been essential in the whole moving on process.

“You want to come over here anyway?” he offers carefully, casually. He doesn’t mind Clarke. She’s younger than him, around Octavia’s age. They aren’t exactly friends, but he would consider them a little more than acquaintances. Enough that it shouldn’t be too weird for him to invite her over even without his sister present. Plus, her getting drunk here is a better alternative than her getting drunk by herself in some bar.

“You don’t mind?” she asks and he thinks he hears relief in her voice, “I was kind of already on my way over to your guy’s place... I don’t really feel like going out and I really don't feel like being depressed and alone in my dorm right now.”

“Nah,” he says and then tries a joke to brighten her spirits, “Sounds like something fun to watch. I’ll order food.”

“Chinese would be great,” and he swears he can hear a smile in her voice so he’ll count his dumb joke as a victory. “Thanks, Bellamy, see you soon.”

He's not even a little bit mad about dumping out his now soggy cereal.

*

(ii)

“So, you’ve been in school for basically forever. Is it normal for a person to experience this amount of stress?”

Bellamy’s lips twitch as he holds his phone to his ear. After Clarke crashed his Friday night in, and spilled on the whole cheating Finn debacle while they did shots, Bellamy figured he should give her his own cell phone number. As much as he hated to admit it, and honestly he never will, his sister and her boyfriend were getting serious, so who knows how much Octavia would be available for late night bitchfests about significant others, fellow students, and the human population in general. Which were just a few of the topics they discussed that night. Hanging out with Clarke ended up being kind of fun, a better night than he originally planned. She even let him watch a little of his marathon and offered her own commentary. Bellamy would do it again… which is something else he would never admit.

It's not like they suddenly talk every day, but it’s a near thing. They would send each other the occasional text when one of them sees something that the other absolutely has to know about. Mostly, he gets pictures of old dogs she sees at the park, asking if this will be him in 20 years. Bellamy responds in kind with memes about college life and rubbing it in her face that they no longer apply to him since he graduated last semester.

But sometimes she reaches out to him if there is something particularly bothering her. Such as dealing with egotistical dickwads that consider themselves professors and shutting down female students in a male dominated class.

Clarke’s probably the only person that ever calls him and can never start the conversation with a simple ‘Hello’. Actually, she’s probably the only person that actually still calls him.

“I just got a job teaching so that insult isn't going to work anymore since I literally will be in a school as part of my job,” is his first response before he turns to one of concern, “Midterms got ya down?”

“It’s just,” she gives an exasperated sigh before continuing, “I want to do something that helps people, I know I want to help people… But maybe I don't want to help people the way my mom wants me to help people...ya know?”

“You’re going to have to give me more to go on here, Princess-”

“I’m thinking about switching my major,” she says abruptly, like she’s ripping off a band aid.

He’s silent, waiting to see if she’s going to say anything else. When it becomes clear she’s waiting for him to say something he responds honestly, “If being a doctor isn’t something you want to do, then you shouldn’t do it.”

“But-”

“What your mom wants you to do shouldn’t overrule what you want to do, Clarke,” he interrupts her. Due to the increasing amount of time he’s been spending with Clarke, he’s learned that the Griffins have always had a capital “P” Plan and he knows that Clarke has a hard time knowing when she can push the boundaries of said Plan.

She’s silent again and Bellamy’s starting to think he’s going to have to prod her a second time. He’s got the beginnings of his big speech all prepared when finally she speaks up. “I’m thinking about going into Art Therapy,” She says thoughtfully, “Or maybe teaching? Helping out underprivileged kids...or hell, even underprivileged adults. Or maybe something for the community?”

His lips twitch on another smile at hearing the beginnings of a hint of passion in her voice. “Teaching can be very rewarding,” he says magnanimously.

She snorts and it turns into a full laugh, “You haven't even started yet! It could be the worst thing you’ve ever done and a total waste of your degree.”

“Your confidence in me really is touching,” he deadpans and then adds simply, “You’re an amazing artist, Clarke. I think doing something with that could be something you'd enjoy and be really really good at.”

She’s quiet when she asks, “You think I’m amazing? You’ve never told me that.” And Bellamy swears he can hear that smile in her voice again. The one he always looks forward to. The one he tries to coax out of her without realizing he’s doing it.

He feels his cheeks start to heat up and even though she can't see him, he feels the need to brush it off. “Yeah, well, I generally try to be as dickish as possible so…”

She snorts again and damn if he didn’t feel a slight flutter in his chest.

“For the record, I think you’re going to be an amazing teacher,” she says it so matter-of-factly but he’ll have to dwell on it later because she sobers and then asks softly, “So, you think I should do it?”

It’s not hard for him to build her up. She spends so much time being there for the rest of their slowly merging friend groups that she rarely takes time to see the greatness in herself. He doesn’t mind helping.

“I think you should do whatever the hell you want.”

*

(iii)

“Women are worse than men.”

Bellamy rubs the sleep from his eyes and glances at the clock; it was almost 3 in the morning. “I thought men were tumors?” he asks around a yawn.

“Yeah, well, women can be tumors too,” Clarke huffs, but she just sounds tired, “Comparing people to tumors is equal opportunity. Strides in feminism are being made, didn’t you know?”

Bellamy pushes himself into a sitting position, suddenly more alert as he picks up the trace of tears in her voice. “You ok?” he asks.

Clarke is silent at first, but he waits her out, he knows that she’ll tell him. “Lexa broke up with me,” she says quietly and then adds in confusion, “Or we broke up with each other? I’m a little unsure. We spent the whole night arguing and then suddenly she was packing up her stuff.” She pauses before taking a shaky breath, “It’s over. We’re over.”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

“She was leaving anyway,” she continues, bitterly, “Some new job. She was leaving in a few weeks and didn’t even bother to tell me. I told her we could make it work long distance, I was willing to try and make it work. That’s when the arguing started. Not just about that but about-,” Clarke abruptly cuts herself off and hesitates, “about... other things. Things I didn’t even know were an issue.” She’s quiet again before she adds, “She didn’t say it but I think she was disappointed that I never suggested going with her...”

The thought makes a quick flash of irritation run through him. “She wanted you to uproot your entire life and go with her,” he summarizes as he tries to adjust the pillows on his bed by beating them, maybe a little too roughly at the thought of her doing just that, before leaning back against them.

“Which is completely crazy, I know,” she hurries to say, “but I wish we could have talked about it.”

“I am sorry, Clarke,” he says again, “I know Lexa seemed like she was it for you.”

“But maybe she wasn’t?” Clarke counters as if trying to reason with herself. “I don’t know. We were both committed to each other, but maybe this was a sign that we weren’t going to be able to make it work long term?” She pauses and Bellamy can hear the gears in her head turning as she processes a way for her to handle this, too explain it to herself. “When we were together,” she hesitates before continuing, and he can imagine her biting her lip, “I was happy... but I felt like a separate version of myself, ya know? Still me, but not completely me?”

Bellamy chews on the words he wants to say and goes with, “Sometimes the person you're with can change you; it's not always a bad thing.” He gets quiet as he adds thoughtfully, “I like to think Gina made me a better person...and she probably did,” he pauses, this time unsure if he should keep going, but Clarke hasn't said anything, so she must be waiting for him to continue, “We tried, tried really hard, to make it work, but eventually you just realize that maybe the relationship isn't going anywhere and what’s best for everyone is just to call it.”

“Wait, you and Gina broke up?” Clarke asks in surprise, “When did that happen!?”

“That's what you got from that?” He rubs a hand over his face as he thinks about it, “About two weeks ago?”

“Shit,” she says and is quiet before asking in a small voice, “Why didn't you tell me?”

“Honestly, I haven't seen a whole lot of you these last few months,” he hears what he said and corrects himself, “We haven’t seen a whole lot of you.” He’s surprised at his ability to keep the bite out of his voice; because the truth was this last year has sucked since Clarke started dating Lexa.

They met at one of Clarke's art gigs. Lexa was cool; fun when she wanted to be, but also a little hard to be around. Most of the time, she seemed to prefer doing things without any of Clarke’s friends.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke says.

“It’s fine,” he answers her and means it. “Gina and I are still good friends.”

“I wasn’t talking about you and Gina,” she says, voice soft.

He realizes what she’s actually apologizing for and he doesn’t know what to say. Because of course he forgives her, he will always forgive her.

The silence lasts too long so he clears his throat and prompts, “Want to come over and get drunk?”

Her laugh through the phone breaks the tension, “It’s like 3 o'clock in the morning.”

“My bar is always open.”

She chuckles. “I really want to hit something,” she says with a determined edge to her voice, “Then maybe get drunk.”

“How about this, we get a few more hours of sleep, wake up at a normal time, and go hit something,” he offers and then adds as if it's an afterthought, “And then get drunk, of course.”

She laughs again, “Oh, of course.” There’s that smile. “I forgot what being single with you was like.”

Bellamy sobers at the thought. It has been awhile since the two of them were single at the same time. “Always here to help, Princess.”

*

(iv)

“Why did I agree to this trip again?”

He’s packing up the essays that are scattered across his desk when she calls, 4 o’clock on the dot. Bellamy tries to suppress a laugh but he’s pretty sure she can at least hear the teasing smile in his voice.

“Just getting back to the hotel?” he asks in lieu of his own greeting.

“Yes!” she exclaims in exasperation. “And if it were up to Josephine, we probably would have walked all of damn Paris tonight,” her voice gets muffled at the end and he can only assume she’s thrown herself face first onto the nearest bed. “I cannot wait for a shower- No! A bath, definitely taking a long, hot bath.”

And now the image of Clarke Griffin in the bath, with just enough bubbles to cover up to her chest, has entered his mind. He shoves it away before anymore thoughts can accompany it.

This used to never be a problem. Sure, he’s always known that Clarke is attractive, but he has never been attracted to her. But ever since he broke up with Gina and she broke up with Lexa, Bellamy has been exceedingly aware of the fact that they have both remained single.

The last time this happened was right after Finn.

Bellamy shakes his head for good measure before responding. “You’re going to fall asleep in the tub and your roommate will find your prune-y, wrinkled body in the morning.” He cringes.  Apparently he wasn’t able to get the image of her completely out of his head.

Clarke scoffs, but he can tell that it’s in an exasperated but fond kind of way. “How is it that you manage to be a buzzkill from over 4,000 miles away?” she asks drily and then pauses before adding, “Actually, Josie would probably just leave me in there for the entire trip and never let on that something was up.”

He turns the key to lock his office behind him and heads for the staff lot. “Don’t worry, if you don’t call to check in, I’ll call the National Guard,” he teases.

“I know you would,” she says simply, like it’s a known fact.

Things have been a little weird after he became aware that they were both single. Mostly because, he’s pretty sure that Clarke has also come to realize it. When he turns to look at her, he often finds her already looking. Their innocent touches are now more frequent and linger just a bit longer.

Bellamy has come to realize that he doesn’t want to be single and the reason he doesn’t want to be single is because he wants his best friend to not be single with him.

There’s just never a right time to tell her.

“So, what did you do today?” he asks.

Despite the exhaustion and jetlag that’s surly setting in, Clarke jumps into an animated retelling of the flight and arriving at their hotel room just in time to change clothes and head back out to walk the streets of Paris to get their bearings before their tours officially start tomorrow.

“I’m a little disappointed that we’re doing the Louvre first thing tomorrow. I was hoping to be a little more alert for that.”

“Your coffee addiction hasn’t stopped just because you’re in another country,” he points out as he gets in his car.

She laughs, “Jeez, you are such an ass.”

He starts the car but doesn’t leave just yet; afraid the long distance call will drop out.

“What are you doing now?” he asks into the comfortable silence.

“Admiring the view,” she admits softly. “It really is gorgeous all lit up. Makes me want to dig out my sketchbook.”

“You have a week, Princess,” he chuckles. “Don’t screw up your jetlag even more by losing track of time in your drawings on the first night.”

She’s quiet again before confessing softer somehow, “It also makes me wish you were here.”

His heart clenches in his chest and he wills himself to sound normal. “Maybe next time,” he tries for teasing but it comes out almost wistful.

“Next time, hmmm?” Clarke hums. “You’d come to Paris with me?” And he’s sure she’s flirting with him.

“Well, maybe not for our first date,” he says, “But maybe, like, our fifth or something.”

Clarke’s quiet for a long time and he’s afraid he’s overstepped, misread the room. He’s about to take it back, play it off as a joke when she finally speaks.

“And what would a first date look like?” she asks with what he thinks is hope in her voice.

He swallows a couple of times. “Well,” he starts, “Since you’re already getting some of the best museum experiences, I’d probably settle for dinner and a movie. Something cheesy that’s playing at the dollar theater; where we’re the only ones there and can yell at the screen.”

She chuckles and his heart flutters, “We already do that, Bell. Quite frequently, actually.”

“Yeah, but if it’s a date then I’d get to kiss you at the end of it.”

“What? No making out during the movie?” she asks and he can picture how cute her face gets when she pouts.

A grin spreads across his face and he’s grateful no one can see how goofy he must look.

“We’ll have to make sure it’s a really bad movie.”

*

(+i)

Clarke rubs some moisturizer on her face before capping the tube and tossing it into her bag on the bed. After ensuring that everything she’s going to need for tomorrow is packed, she zips it up and grabs one of Bellamy’s hoodies to slip on over her clothes.

Ever since he picked her up from the airport when she got back from her trip to Paris, and she ran directly into his arms, giving the other people waiting quite a show, there always seems to be one laying around, waiting for her to find it. She assumes that he gets as much of a thrill out of her wearing them as she does.

She heads down the stairs of their townhouse, passing various pictures and artwork, and shoots Raven one more text not to forget to bring her dress to the venue tomorrow. She’s supposed to help her get ready in the morning along with her mother. In the meantime, Abby has sent a car to pick her up and take her to the hotel. Easier to get ready if she’s already there for the stylist… something else her mother insisted on paying for. No matter how many times Clarke told her she didn’t care what her hair looked like because she was marrying the love of her life.

Clarke locks up the house and greets the driver, slipping into the backseat. She intends to spend the ride lost in thought, going through the checklists that were running through her head.

Their engagement had been on the short side but she didn’t mind. They were both ready to get on with this next chapter in their lives.

Her phone is resting loosely in her hand, face down on her knee, when it starts to vibrate with an incoming call. She holds her breath for a second, praying it isn’t the florist or the caterers. But when she sees the photo of her and Bellamy from New Year’s flash on the screen, she can’t help but smile.

She taps the button and greets him with a sultry, “Hi, handsome.”

“Hey,” he says and she can tell he has a soft smile on his face, the one just for her. “You just leave the house?”

“Yep. On my way to the hotel now, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten anything because it’s too late now.”

“The most important thing is already on its way,” he responds with a teasing lilt.

Clarke can’t help the sharp laugh that escapes her lips, “Oh my god! You are such a sap!”

“I was referring to the ring, obviously, Princess.”

“Oh, obviously,” she says, mock serious.

They chuckle to themselves for a few minutes and she honestly can’t tell if the driver is rolling his eyes or thinks they’re being cute from hearing one side of the conversation.

Bellamy sobers up first only to let out a groan. “I hate whose ever idea this is,” he whines.

“Aren’t you the history professor? Shouldn’t you know where common traditions and such come from?”

He scoffs, “No, I mean I hate whichever of our friends is making us do this.”

The two of them haven’t seen each other since yesterday morning, him having been spirited off by his groomsmen while she was left to spend last night alone in their bed. And now they’re meant to go one more night without seeing each other.

To Bellamy’s point, Clarke isn’t altogether sure why this is a tradition anymore, nor why they are choosing to follow this particular one. She and Bellamy aren’t even that superstitious! And yet somehow they were talked into spending the days leading up to their wedding apart.

“Ah,” she answers him now, “That would be Raven and Miller. Although, I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with marriage traditions and has everything to do with getting back at us for making out in front of them so much.”

Bellamy scoffs again, “Well, jokes on them, because after tomorrow, I don’t ever have to stop kissing you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says, “We’ll have to come up to eat at some point.”

The driver pulls up under the awning of the hotel and Clarke gets out and grabs her bag before he’s able to get out and grab it for her. She gives him a wave and a simple thank you before heading through the sliding doors.

“How’s your room?” she asks into the phone as she bypasses the check in desk, her mother having already checked her in and given her the key card to her room this morning when they were getting their nails done.

He heaves a deep sigh. “Lonely,” he answers as she steps into the elevator. From what Clarke knows from his texts, Miller dropped him off here last night and left him to his own devices. Apparently, the best man gets to sleep next to his husband but Bellamy wasn’t allowed to sleep next to his soon-to-be wife.

She makes a split second decision and presses a different button, jolting the elevator to stop sooner than intended. When she steps off she casually offers, “I could help with that.”

“Oh yeah?” He chuckles. “You going to describe for me what you’re wearing?”

“Hmm,” she hums as if she’s considering it. “I could do that… but I was more thinking that I could show you.”

Clarke stops in front of a door and gives it a nice rhythmic knock.

She doesn’t have to wait long before it’s opening and Bellamy is standing in front of her with his phone against his ear and a huge grin on his face.

She lowers her own phone from her ear, pressing the end button without looking.

“Hi, handsome,” she manages before he’s pulling her into his room.

[genderbinaryisforlosers]

everyone on the carte blanche for the ask meme

everyone? oh boy this is gonna get long ajfhdsf

JUNO

First impression: i, like a lot of people who get into the podcast without knowing a great deal about it, was expecting at most an ambiguously bisexual angst machine with a closely-guarded heart of gold. juno being an explicitly bisexual genderqueer angst machine is perhaps the most pleasant surprise of my life. the angst machine heart of gold characters were kind of my type at the time, so i loved him right away

Impression now: every time i think about juno’s arc from depressed mess held together by bad coping mechanisms, safety pins, and a few good strong puns into someone who can talk about his feelings, feel comfortable about being happy, and recognise when he needs to change, i want to cry about it a little bit. the depth of my love for juno steel has only grown along with him

Favourite moment: juno has a lot of great one-liners and i’m still a big fan of the “on the other hand i wasn’t wearing a watch” bit and who can forget such classics as juno finally deciding to stop moping over nureyev and move on only for him to open the door to his apartment and find nureyev sitting in the dark dramatically, but honestly nothing will ever hit me harder than his sudden, pissed-off declaration of “i can’t die yet, i still have shit to do!” in promised land. god.

Idea for a story: oh i have so many and i want to write most of them so no spoilers, but juno accidentally kidnaps a baby during a carte blanche heist and shenanigans ensue

Unpopular opinion: obviously we all know he’s dummy thicc but i feel like a lot of people forget he’s an actual genius, like the stuff he notices and how he strings it together is sometimes so obscure and he’s almost always right. oh, also juno is not skinny and i will not be taking criticism on that

Favourite relationship: this is so tough because every dynamic is so good, but i think it has to be juno and rita. those two are so good! the best best friends in the world!! i’m really a sucker for any dynamic that’s ridiculously in-sync so i loved these two as soon as juno saw rita’s notes in prince of mars and went “makes perfect sense to me” (which it probably didn’t, because rita, but he trusted that she knew what she was doing which is the important part)

Favourite headcanon: this isn’t really a headcanon but i still think about how juno is (was?) deathly afraid of heights but when he heard rex glass coming he still attempted to climb out of the window. either his aversion to working with dark matters/other people in general was so strong is overrided his fear, or his office was actually on the ground floor. not sure which of these is funnier.

NUREYEV

First impression: we’ve all seen the memes about nureyev knowing juno steel for one (1) day and deciding to Risk It All by leaving him with his name, look at this Hopeless Romantic, this utter DISASTER of a homosexual. the fact the very next time we hear from nureyev (at least directly) he’s patiently waiting in juno’s dark apartment to surprise him with a heist definitely supports this image.

Impression now: even after literally being inside peter’s head, i feel like we didn’t get a real sense of who he is until man in glass, where we find out he aggressively compartmentalises everything that causes him stress. he’s also distinctly someone who’s had his heart broken before, i think, which makes those first appearances of his very strange. but it does remind me of what juno says about diamond, and how he decided to provide the trust first and wait for the trustworthiness to grow in (only to get severely hurt), and i think that’s exactly what nureyev did. i am also... very uneasy with how suspicious he’s behaving this season because obviously i want to believe he’ll sort it all out and not betray the crew but... oof

Favourite moment: the beginning of what lies beyond pt1 where he’s affectionately bullying juno into taking care of himself? cleared my crops watered my skin etc etc etc

Idea for a story: i’d love to hear more about his past as a young thief idolising buddy and vespa (i can’t actually remember if that’s canon or fanon but anyway i wanna read it!)

Unpopular opinion: i think people often cling to an image of him that more resembles his first impressions in season 1 instead of seeing the depth that we’ve been given about his character in season 3

Favourite relationship: him and juno but honestly it’s a close call between them and his budding friendship with rita. even though she learned it by accident, his name is still a point of intimacy and it’s one less secret to keep around her which has to be a weight off his shoulders, at least a little? they seem like they could be really good friends once ultrabots is out of the way. juno steel love (and also bullying) zone activates whenever they’re together

Favourite headcanon: i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - nureyev has never done a household chore in his goddamn life. he doesn’t know the water needs to be hot when you wash dishes.

RITA

First impression: honestly i’m not sure? i don’t remember having a big awareness of her in murderous mask but i remember loving her “note-taking” in prince of mars, i thought she sounded really fun and cute

Impression now: rita is really fun and cute, she’s also an extremely hardworking and dedicated woman who had the guts to throw in with a detective fired from the force and then invest all of her time and money into helping him help people.

Favourite moment: Rita Gets A Knife. enough said

Idea for a story: i don’t know honestly! i really struggle to write rita because her thought processes are so wild and i don’t think any story i could come up with would match mega ultrabots of cyberjustice.

Unpopular opinion: this shouldn’t be unpopular because juno steel himself shares this opinion but all future-jupeter headcanons are incomplete without rita also being a huge part of their lives

Favourite relationship: rita + franny 4ever obviously.. jk it’s juno & rita have you heard rita minute 3 they’re too adorable for this world. im still Soft over their conversation at the end of soul of the people when he said he couldn’t stay in hyperion anymore but he wouldn’t leave with the carte blanche if rita wasn’t coming because he was done leaving her behind, and she threw out all her hesitations on the spot and said call the big guy. speaking of, rita & jet are a close second. instant best friends i love them.

Favourite headcanon: i think this is basically canon now but rita being literally half the height of jet is so good

JET

First impression: “haha lorge funny man puts juno in the trash”

Impression now: jet sikuliaq is one of the dearest characters to me out of anything ever. he is a huge, menacing, polite, kind, sincere man who i would very much like to give me a hug. he’s the best aro ace in outer space and while being generally very levelheaded and straightforward, also takes every opportunity to fuck with juno because it’s very easy and very hilarious to him personally. he is everything my autistic acearo ass needed and i’m so glad to have him

Favourite moment: all of them every single one. him putting juno in the trash is of course a classic and every moment jet chooses to be funny makes my heart happy, but also every piece of genuine advice he gives. i’m a particular fan though of buddy recounting her years in the lighthouse and him saying he became concerned when she didn’t come downstairs at the usual time. “you took the door off its hinges.” “i was deeply concerned.” king of understatement

Idea for a story: again no spoilers for you but..... tools of rust time loop au

Unpopular opinion: this isn’t “unpopular” as much as it is unknown but jet is buddy’s queerplatonic partner and i will keep saying it until everyone believes it

Favourite relationship: jet and buddy,,, just everything about them. the way he suspects when she’s lying, the way she makes tea for him when she expects him to drop by. the fact he comes to check on her when she is 41 seconds late to the family meeting because it’s unlike her to be late and the last time she was late for something her brain was turning to radiation soup. but most especially the way she snaps at him to stay out of her business and he said he could not because he made her promise eight years ago to never stay out of the business of her health, no matter how many times she asked. they r literally in a qpr

Favourite headcanon: i don’t think this is true but i still think it would be funny if the ruby-7 used to be painted red but when jet got it he had it painted green because he Just Really Likes Green (as evidenced by his hovercycle). it’s very funny to me.

BUDDY

First impression: it’s been a minute since i relistened to time gone by but i’m pretty sure the first thing she ever says in the podcast is sliding up to depressed accidental whiskey thief juno and say “that’ll be ten million creds,” scaring the shit out of him, so needless to say i was in love instantly.

Impression now: my love for buddy aurinko has only grown and if it sounds like i already said that in this post it’s because i did about juno and it’s appropriate because the parallels are astounding. the heart of it all gave us such depth to buddy’s internal monologue and why she always sounds like she knows exactly what to say and what that’s like and honestly will i ever be over the heart of it all as an episode? unlikely. i think i’m gonna have a little piece of it in MY heart forever.

Favourite moment: everything she’s ever said is iconic as hell i especially like “in an impressive fit of hubris i’ve decided not to prepare my words for this vow” which made me laugh out loud but once again i must give it up for her iconic “I WANT TO LIVE” moment. honourable mentions to her taking rita out for ice cream and giving juno shooting lessons while she’s in her actual wedding gown. i love her

Idea for a story: buddy and vespa as sun/moon dieties.... that’s all

Unpopular opinion: stop drawing her with a fancy high-tech eye like the theia!! it canonically looks like garbage and it’s described in detail, please, i’m dying, also don’t minimise her scars you bastards

Favourite relationship: buddy and vespa invented romantic love and the entire carte blanche crew’s relationship to her is great but you know by now i’m a slut for buddy & jet out-of-this-world queerplatonic partners. the way she checks in on him during tools of rust to make sure he’s not relapsing and he comes to find her when she is 41 seconds late in the heart of it all to make sure she’s not having a heart problem!! it’s the trust,, the devotion,, the mortifying ordeal of being known

Favourite headcanon: she can sing. absolutely tears it up at karaoke. i’m right

VESPA

First impression: knife lesbian goes STAB. she will heal your wounds but she will be threatening to give you more the whole time

Impression now: she is extremely strong, heart-rendingly tender, and despite being in the older half of the carte blanche crew somehow has unmistakable little sister energy which makes her downright hilarious. i’m so glad she got to marry buddy and they’re official space wives now they’re so good for each other

Favourite moment: both from shadows in the ship, either “GUN!!” “KNIFE?!” (iconic) or when she clocks the dark matters drone pretending to be juno because it called her crazy and juno wouldn’t call her crazy. i’m always a sucker for “shapeshifter fails to fool mark because they Know Each Other Too Well” and it was just *chefs kiss* so good

Idea for a story: i really want to write something about when she was first staying at the lighthouse with buddy post-reunion, and getting to know jet and stuff. i think it would be cute

Unpopular opinion: i know vespa doesn’t canonically have lots of scarring but people who don’t draw her with scarring? cowards.

Favourite relationship: once again, although buddy and vespa invented romantic love, i just love the dynamic between vespa and juno so much. they’ve come so far with each other and their weird sibling dynamic gives me life. at the end of what lies beyond when juno says “we’re not gonna kill her, vespa” and instead of sounding full of Rage and Suspicion she’s like “whyyy notttt?” and he’s like “because i said so!” and that’s just good enough for her even if she’s a bit grumpy about it. i love it.

this took.. a hot minute to do! jshkfjsdgsa thank you dyl ily <3

[onlyhereforangst]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by @indestinatus 💕

tagging whoever wants to go thru this journey with me & see their accomplishments in this terrible terrible year!

1. List of works published this year:

Oh god there’s a lot, like 70 total in just 2020. I’ll try to categorize them so this doesn’t get too long 😅but here’s a cut for aesthetic on your dash.

Sequels/Partner Fics: Risk It All (for @hellokaelyn), Finally Home (to Come Back), They Always Do & Could She?, Lucky Day & Completely Yours, Fiery Trance (Two Can Play series), Obsessed (Particular Taste), Soul (to Ignited)

Smut: My Turn (sequel to My Pleasure), Worth It, Maybe We Should, Make it a Double (also a fic request), Shall We (AU)

Fic Requests: Coffee Run, Hold Still, Typical, Deal, Needed It, I’m Home, For Science, Cry Me A River, From Your Dreams (AU), Crystal Clear, Tempt Me, Your Fault, Prove It, Silent Proclamation, A Hundred Suns (angst smut), Duly Noted

Stand Alones: No More, Never Let Her Go, Life is Fragile, Pandemics & Peach Drinks, To Need and Be Needed, Never Let Go, Coming Home, Priceless, Behind The Mask, Need a Hand?

Angst: My Daisy, Status Quo, Can I Stay, I Refuse, Deal

Series/Multi-chaptered: Back Off (Better Apart, Missed The Mark, Change Her Mind, But You Do, Layered Love), Electrified (Don’t Stop (Senorita)), Here By Faith, Forgive & Forget, Angstober ‘20 (Never Has & Never Will, Only In My Head, Long, Long Gone, Do Something, Take Care, Waiting to Burn, Survive the Hell, Find Her, Never Ended Well, At All Costs, One Thing Right, Stay Away, Echoed Back, Smart Man, Not Interested, Flake Again, Release, Slipping Away)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Here By Faith mainly because of the topic. Pregnancy & Infant loss has been such a taboo topic for so long and something I have personal experience with so writing this was very therapeutic. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Shall We and only because I truly wanted way more plot in this and it turned out to be essentially just straight smut with a tiny bit of plot. But it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Ok I had 70 fics to choose from not breaking down chapters so I’m sure I’m missing something, BUT I do love - omg typing this out I realized it’s from a fic in 2019 so I can’t use iiiiiit 😩 ok so here’s a couple excerpts. I loved typing out this stream of conscious partner fics (They Always Do & Could She?):

They Always Do:

Yet this time, this time she didn’t have the chance to rebuild. Like a Trojan horse, he waltzed right up to her and slowly dismantled her defense. Joke by joke, smirk by smirk—Nick took each brick down with care. The worst part? It was so subtle, so thoughtfully done, she didn’t even notice it was happening. Didn’t see her chest being pried open, beating heart on display for him to see, and take. Never realized her greatest defenses were missing until it was too late.

That love- precious, fragile, delicate love- had managed to grow again. In her desolate, cold heart, Nick managed to bring to life an emotion she had long given up on. An emotion she was too afraid to ever feel again. Because with it came agony.

They leave, and you’re abandoned- picking up the pieces of a shattered heart.

When you love, you lose. Always.

Could She?:

But-

Even if that was love, even if he loved Ellie with his whole heart, his entire being. Was that enough? Was Nick enough? Was he deserving?

A resounding no clanged around his skull like a church bell in a Southern town on Sunday morning. He wanted to silence it, stop the shrill metal sound that started any time he pictured forever. Any time he truly thought he might deserve to love, even after all he’d done. After all the unimaginable things he’d done, the horrors he’d seen, the pain he’d caused. That bell sounded, loud and clear.

How did he deserve love when he couldn’t bear to love himself?

[...]

Could she love him despite all his misgivings? Could she love him even when he didn’t love himself? Could she love him when there was a risk he’d be taken from her too soon?

Could she?

Please love me.

But please be sure.

There’s been a couple of other inner monologues that I have absolutely loved (I like to think it’s semi my speciality? But maybe that’s super arrogant of myself?) but that’s a different post for another time.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I said it recently but I *love* when people pick out specific line(s) from my fic and choose to comment on those. More often than not it’s a line I was so proud of either prose-wise or foreshadowing-wise or whatever and I get literally giddy with excitement that someone not only noticed it but also loved it enough to comment on it 🥰but truly any kind of comment is dopamine-inducing 😉

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

As some people may have noticed (& maybe not because I did still semi-run the other main ellick blog despite it) I was somewhat absent for most of the summer/fall. I struggled for the first time in my life with mental health issues, borderline depression after being in a shit work environment, an essential worker with a company that claimed to “care” about us, a community that I once loved but showed their true colors in the midst of the pandemic & election, add in a rough pregnancy & it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t want to even move from the couch most days let alone write. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I had a lot of fun writing short excerpts from different characters’ perspectives (Jimmy, Kasie, McGee & Gibbs) in my Angstober series & honestly wouldn’t mind doing that again!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Honestly not sure, I think I’ve just generally grown as a writer - better descriptions & descriptors, better dialogue, better plots. But that could all be me seeing things 😂

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I’d love to look into writing more seriously. My husband is convinced I could write an episode script or a novel, so I may look into trying my hand at that (even though I feel I’d be god-awful at it 😅)

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Hmmmm I always appreciate the support I’ve gotten from the ellick fandom despite it being rough this year for us, wonderful people like @erinchristmaselvis, @thekeyboardninja, @hellokaelyn & @wanna-be-bold are always there to either hear me vent or cheer me on ☺️

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Haaaaah yes. Lots of it (but I bet you can’t tell because I only add mini snippets so have fun finding those easter eggs 😏)

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Always, always, always write for YOU. Not for anyone else, the kudos, hits, comments, none of it. Write for YOU. And I say this as a reminder to myself as well, it’s so hard to get bogged down in that dopamine-induced craze we search for in recognition but it’s so important to not externally validate yourself rather internally validate yourself on baby steps of growth & accomplishment. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

LOL how about all my WIPs? All of those stories I started forever ago that people call me out on not finishing months later when I swear they’ve forgotten about them 😬

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Hmmmm lemme pick one from each category because I’m indecisive 😉

Sequel/Partner Fics: Lucky Day & Completely Yours (the aaaaangst)

Smut: a tie between Maybe We Should & Make it a Double

Fic Request: A Hundred Suns (because I love me some angst smut)

Stand Alones: Pandemics & Peach Drinks (hahahaha because this was in an Insider news article at the start of the pandemic hahaha so on brand #2020)

Angst: My Daisy (I looooooove this one, but also all of the angst category lol)

Series/Multi-chaptered: literally not one of these is finished and they’re all heavy angst so take your pick 😂

15. Year word count: 103,050 in 2020 which seems like so little 😅

Here’s to 2021 being the year I finish WIPs! she says knowing she’s lying

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

okay so i just finished season 8, i can see why people didn’t like it but personally i really did. i feel like the thing people are mad about the most is that dany became a tyrant? watching the series knowing everyone’s endings allowed me to see things that most people probably wouldn’t catch on to. one thing is that arya’s end shot mimics the shot of her sailing to braavos at the end of season 4(i think it was season 4). also that danny’s speech to the dothraki, at the end, and her speeches to the unsullied,,, when paired with her actions(and with what tyrion said about how she kills evil men and we cheer her on i admit i did this too, but those cheers allow her to believe that she is always right and that makes her dangerous) it reminds me a lot of speeches dictators used. “you’re freeing the world” “we’re doing a great good” idk,, i like dany but i get annoyed when people say the signs weren’t there from the start, when they absolutely were. i do think that she could have been great, but people put to much faith in her which made her set extremely high expectations for herself and how people would treat her. and that ultimately led to her downfall. in short, i liked season 8. i like jon going north at the end, i like arya going off to explore, i really like sansa being queen, bran being king is eh but i like it overall. brienne writing jaime into the book of the kingsguard did made me cry, but i like that pod got knighted and i think brienne would have done something like that. even though he broke her heart.

My biggest issue with Season 8 is clear in my head, but difficult to describe with words. 

Everyone seems to have at least one major plot point that hated to the point of feeling like it ruined the show. Jaime going back to Cersei, Arya killing the Night King, the Clegane Bowl, Sansa’s betrayal, the “R + L = J” storyline not amounting to much/the overall path of Jon’s character. And of course, Dany’s conclusion is a big one for most people. I don’t really have anything like that. (Okay that’s a lie, mine is the Grand Council scene. Fuck that scene in fifty different ways.) I suppose what makes Season 8 the “worst” season for a lot of people is that things just feel different. The writing feels different, the characters feel different, the storylines...it all feels just a bit “off.” I’m not even saying that it’s bad-different, but it isn’t good-different either. In hindsight, the fact that the writers were rushing through GOT to get to Star Wars...yeah, I can believe that. 

But there’s a lot to like about Season 8 as well. Several things are carried over directly from Season 7 (which I’ll admit, is my favorite season) in particular, the first three episodes of S8 almost feel like the missing final three episodes of S7. I personally have no issue with Arya killing the Night King. While I did love the echoing of her boarding that ship like she did at the end of S4, and it totally feels like something she would do....I dunno, the line “A girl is Arya Stark from Winterfell. And I’m going home.” just really stuck with me, and I kinda thought she was over all that and just wanted to be with her family. I also have no issue with Sansa becoming Queen in The North. Like, what else was going to happen? Of course she would take up the mantle. Even if she wasn’t ready, who else was left? That said, she was ready and she damn well proved it in the final seasons. Sansa stood up for her people time and again. That was like, the entire reason for her conflict with Dany apart from overprotective sister instincts activating.

But, speaking of Dany...this is something that I always hesitate to talk about, but suffice it to say that I agree with you 100%. Of all the things in Season 8 that bothered me, I kinda saw this coming. Sure, I wish to hell and back that they hadn’t gone this direction, but it’s not even close to being as big a turnaround as Jaime had. I think a lot of fans identify with Dany and have latched onto her for that reason, and she’s a fantastic character to latch onto. But I’d be lying if I said that the signs weren’t there. She always did whatever the hell she wanted, and got away with it by the authority of “I have dragons.” This wasn’t just in the later seasons either. Remember the time she threatened to violate guest right because “My dragons made no such promise?” Tyrion’s speech to Jon in S8E6 was totally him being a loudspeaker for the writers, trying to convince the audience that this made sense...but it’s not like anything he said wasn’t true. As a Jon/Dany shipper, as someone who was rooting for either, or both of them, to wind up on the Iron Throne, as someone who unironically loved Dany’s character...yeah, it broke me. But it could have been worse. Some Dany stans hate Jon for killing her but seriously...at that point, what the hell was he supposed to do? She threatened Winterfell, and his sisters. Plus, y’know, she had murdered most of the population of King’s Landing. She had to be stopped, and Jon was the only one who stood a chance of getting close enough. He clearly hated having to do it, and he got a life sentence for it. So can’t we leave the poor guy alone? He’s suffered enough...

Jaime’s ending...is just depressing, and Brienne did not deserve that. I don’t hate Jaime for it, nor do I feel like it completely reversed all of the growth in his character. But it did yank his storyline in a total 180, and that can absolutely be utilized to tragic effect. The fact is, Jaime didn’t revert to being the asshole he was in Season 1. He simply resigned himself to the inevitability that he would always be that person. That because he still loved someone as wicked as Cersei, and had committed such crimes for her, that he would always be that person and there was no escaping it. The idea of becoming a better person was simply not something he would ever be allowed. This, my good friend, is 100% a symptom of abuse. Jaime and Cersei’s relationship is toxic as hell, not because of the whole twin thing, but because she is an abuser who brings out the worst in him. If Jaime had to die, I wish it had gone a different way. I can respect the full circle, but this is just so not the ending I wanted for him. And hell, seeing him cradle Cersei in his arms, seeing her sob about how she doesn’t want their baby to die...damn it, the character who’s death I was most expecting to cheer at, and I can’t even properly enjoy it. But it was a beautiful death scene, I’ll give them that, and seeing Tyrion’s reaction to finding the golden hand? Kill me now. 

The less that is said about the talking computer pretending to be Bran, the better. I won’t go into my spiel about why this enrages me because we’d be here forever, but I’ll just say that it actually made my knuckles whiten when they had the nerve to play House Stark’s theme over his coronation. Why? Why would they do that? It’s not like a Stark is being crowned King. Because, by his own admission, that entity sitting in the chair is not Brandon Stark anymore. He is the Three-Eyed Raven. Bran is effectively dead, and it low-key drives me crazy that everyone, including his family, just carry on as if that wasn’t the case. But I’ll leave it there. “King Bran” was a terrible idea, but I won’t go into the myriad of reasons why. 

[radramblog]

Radiohead Retrospective Part 6: Ripples on a Blank Shore

Hail to the Thief was Radiohead’s last album with the record label EMI. This is probably good, seeing as EMI are a massive conglomerate, one of the biggest record companies in the world, and that doesn’t really suit Radiohead’s image. It’s not like they needed them to get big anymore.

With that lack of contractual obligation to make new music, the band was able to spend a fair bit longer on the next album, as well as do a few things on the side. Thom made The Eraser, Jonny did some soundtracks. They went on tour between recording sessions, because they weren’t really getting anywhere, and tried some of their material live. It sounds like it was a lot less stressful than the previous, label-driven work. While they would eventually resign onto XL Recordings, that’s a much smaller, independent company, and the band’s next album would be self-released anyway.

In Rainbows had a very interesting release. Much like what many a Bandcamp artist does now, the album was released as a pay-what-you-want online download, with paying 0 dollars being an option you could take. This wasn’t really a thing back in 2007, so it stirred up quite the fuss. It also helped that it was an excellent fucking album, which many hail as equal or greater than OK Computer at the top of the Radiohead Totem Pole.

I suppose, then, it’s only fair to actually talk about the album.

The album opens with 15 Step, and what a way to open an album. We’ve got the mix of real and manufactured percussion, we’ve got calming falsetto and we’ve got those absolutely lovely guitar chords. The handclaps are back, and unlike We Suck Young Blood they’re genuine and optimistic rather than sarcastic- in case the kids going “yaaaay!” wasn’t obvious, though it’s not hard to be in a higher mood than WSYB. Considering how melancholy Hail to the Thief, not to mention the other albums the band’s made, have tended to be, this feels light, airy, and refreshing.

A mix of electronic and acoustic that is a great way of introducing the album- considering the constant comparisons the record gets to OK Computer, opening with a track that demonstrates everything the band has learned in the 10 years since is just great. I’m just going to get this out ahead of time, this album is very good, and held in such high esteem for a reason.

The second track is Bodysnatchers, one of the rockier songs the alleged Rock band released in the 2000s. It’s a pretty significant contrast to 15 Step, a bass-driven, driving rock song that screams paranoia. It’s one kept moving at a forward pace by its uptempo percussion and acoustic strumming, while the other instruments just chug along in quite the satisfying manner.

Bodysnatchers’s energy feels really unique on this album, to the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if people thought it didn’t really fit. It’s harsher and edgier, somewhat reminiscent of a King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard track at times, manic and energetic and layered. I’m not going to agree with the idea that Bodysnatchers doesn’t belong on In Rainbows, because the song fucks, but there is a fair case to be made for its difference.

Anyway, next up is Nude. It’s not quite as fun as it sounds. The effects on this instrumental opening make it feel almost film-soundtrack-like, somewhat reminiscent of Motion Picture Soundtrack (that might be a bit of a stretch, though). The bulk of the track is largely built around the vocal track, ethereal and dominant, with the instrumental being a relatively simple guitar/drum piece to back up Thom’s impeccable falsetto. The song rises a lot for it’s bridge, crescendoing just like back in the old days with strings and effects, with lyrics that almost chide the listener for poking fun at the song’s name, like I just did. I’m sorry to disappoint you, lads!

Nude is not a song I often find myself in the mood for, to be frank. It’s unquestionably gorgeous, but also simultaneously too much and not enough? Too much as in like, that vocal track is a little overblown sometimes as is the intro, and not enough as in, the bulk of the song is a touch boring? I don’t know, I’m ready to be strapped to a wall for that one, but I’m sticking with the take.

On the other hand, I’m basically never not in the mood for Weird Fishes/Arpeggi. I’ve always found this track extremely soothing, an absolute unparalleled vibe. The simple but sweet guitar lines just feel nautical in a way I can’t describe, comfortable in a way the actual ocean very doesn’t get me. The bass is extremely subtle, but it helps a lot to keep the track moving between modes as it builds and builds and builds and builds and just falls away…

I’ve gotten some pushback before when describing this song as “chill”, and considering the way it builds up so much in the middle third, I guess I can see how one would disagree. But I can’t describe how or why the song makes me feel the way it does, it just, does. Something about those clean drums piercing through the haze of the track, the lyricism, the vibe. It’s the vibe.

Next up is All I Need, a smooth, slow, dark track with a much lower mood than the songs we’ve heard so far- even moreso than Bodysnatchers. This is the album’s low point moodwise, pretty much inarguably, and some might argue also as far as songs go.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s far from a bad song. The piano chords are simple but effective, contrasted against the….xylophone, I think, but that only happens for a relatively small portion of a pretty long song. Which is largely just low percussion and vocals. I will say, the bridge is excellent, a rising cry of keys and drums against the void, which wouldn’t work nearly as well if the rest of the song isn’t the way it was. But as a whole, the song isn’t the best Radiohead has to offer, if you catch my drift.

I think the next song, Faust Arp, is kind of underrated. I mean, I know it’s the least listened to song on the album on Spotify, I’m looking at the numbers, it’s not close. That’s kind of to be expected with a song that, at least for Radiohead’s scales, very short, at just over 2 minutes long. But it’s a beautiful little acoustic/string piece that I really enjoy. Short and sweet, I suppose. You can call it interstitial all you want, and it’s not going to compare to song number 7, but it’s a good song, dangit.

Oh right, song number 7. Reckoner. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I didn’t think Radiohead captured quite the beauty of Pyramid Song again for a few more albums. Reckoner is that lightning captured in a bottle once again. This song is incredibly emotional, and undeniably excellent.

The song feels like it’s on separate layers, spaced and airy drums with a very light guitar strum, Thom’s vocals meandering somewhere in between, struggling to be heard. And then you get to 1:20, and the piano kicks in, and it brings the tracks together, giving the song an incredible fullness as the lyrics “You are not to blame…” begin. The song keeps going like this, adding in background vocals for a bit, before dropping almost entirely, for the bridge. The rising string, the backing vocals singing the album’s name, and the way the song’s mood subtly shifts afterwards- it’s so beautiful.

Anyway fun fact the bit where the background lyrics start singing “In Rainbooooows” is apparently exactly 61.8% of the way through the album, and that’s the golden ratio, baby. It has apparently been confirmed to be accidental, but it’s still really fun. I do enjoy when silly maths things end up in songs- Lateralus by Tool, for example, is pretty much completely written around the Fibonacci Sequence, from its lyrics to its chords to its time signature.

Tangents aside, our next song is House of Cards, a song I’ve kind of fallen off of as of late. It’s a lot like a less melancholy All I Need, or a less tightly wound Faust Arp (but without them strings), though the reverb on this song gives it a much spacier feel. There’s something really tense about the ambient noise in the background as well, making it hard to truly settle into the song’s groove. I don’t know, I used to like this song, but I’m not sure what it is about it that’s missing now. Sorry to disappoint, I suppose.

By contrast, Jigsaw Falling Into Place is one that took me a while to get into, because I think I just never gave it a chance. I dunno, I think much like with In Limbo it just kinda slid out of my brain every time I heard it. Well, it’s bloody clung on now, hasn’t it? This song is loads of fun! It’s a real groove, fun lyricism and great drums and Thom very notably not singing in falsetto for like half the song before it shifts gears and oh there it is! It’s another one of those great songs with a slow build, what with the backing vocals slowly getting louder and rowdier and the guitars getting more intense and yeah.

Oh also, that video is fun, if a little disorienting. I still can’t believe how many of these music videos I just…missed entirely.

Our final song, Videotape, is significantly less fun. Let me put it this way, lots of people think it’s a suicide note in song form, and it’s not, it’s just someone’s last message as they pass away after a long long life. On the other hand, it does fit the word Mephistopheles into the lyrics, and I think pulling that off is pretty fun.

Videotape has relatively simple instrumentation- piano chords, with a syncopated percussion coming in about a third of the way through. Much of the soundscape is dominated by that piano and the backing vocals. The song is tragic, undoubtedly, but it’s a warmer kind of tragic than previous albums have gone out on- the soft piano giving it a heart that tracks like Street Spirit (Fade Out) and Motion Picture Soundtrack somewhat lack. It’s sad, yes, but peaceful, and comforting. The closing line is beautifully haunting- I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen.

Not so much on my end, weather was shit and my brain decided to have a depressive episode in the afternoon.

Thus ends In Rainbows. Unless you count the bonus disc, something I desperately need to acquire in CD form despite the fact that it appears to barely if ever have been released in that format. I brought up comparisons to OK Computer earlier, and I’m not entirely certain that they’re that justifiable, conspiracy theories about a threaded playlist notwithstanding. Yeah, it’s deliberately the 10 to OKC’s 01, but the style and tone are just so utterly different. 10 years is a long time for an artist, let alone a musician, and let alone a band that did Kid A.

I’m not going to comment on whether I think In Rainbows is better or worse than OK Computer. It’s the eternal question, seemingly, and you’re not going to find an answer here. They’re not really comparable, in my eyes- apples and oranges. The cold technology of a late 90s PC and the natural beauty of a cascading rainbow.

But if In Rainbows is OK Computer, then The King of Limbs must be Kid A. This comparison I think I can understand better, which I suppose we’ll discuss next Tuesday. Adios?

[lost-in-austen-books]

Expectation by Anna Hope

Synopsis: Expectation is a book which follows three friends through their teenage years into their thirties. What makes it really interesting is that the book uses multiple narrators so each of the main characters narrate their own chapters. There’s a sort of a “main timeline” and then every now and then the timeline jumps backwards or forwards in time. However each change is made clear to the reader so that every chapter begins with a time stamp and the name of the narrator. The name of the book hints to the theme of the book. The book follows these three women growing up and facing up to the fact that their lives have not turned out what the had expected. Cate is a new mother who suffers from a postpartum depression. She feel overwhelmed by the expectations of motherhood and her in-laws. In someways I think she feels like she has lost agency of her own life. The marriage, the baby, everything just sort of happened to her. Meanwhile her childhood friend is running a successful career and has a steady relationship with her husband and all about them seems very nice, well functioning and middle-classed. However, she and her husband have been trying for a baby for a long time, going through several rounds of IVF with no success. The third friend is Lissa. She is a creative spirit who aspires to be an actress. However as her career doesn’t seem to pick up she begins to feel the weight of her failings on her shoulders. She doesn’t seem to be able to have anything steady or lasting on a relationship front either. Where others may look up to her and admire her happy-go-lucky easy going artistic attitude, as she grows older she herself begins to dream of something more steady.

Review: I absolutely loved this book! Gave it a 5 out of 5 without a shadow of a doubt. I think this book is great in displaying complicated female relationships and also how even with your closest friends you can never know what is going on inside their mind. All the main characters are jealous of each other and often so caught up in their own issues that they don’t necessarily even pay enough attention to their friends to realise what they might be going through. At times they also struggle to see things from each other’s perspectives and only see things from their own perspective which is often clouded by their own problems and bias. This is really emphasised and supported through the multiple narrators and timelines, I just feel like both of these elements bring so much richness into the story. I originally picked this up because it a) sounded interesting plot wise and b) the back cover is filled with praise, one of them saying “if you wished that normal people had covered female relationships, this is the book for you” or something along those lines, I’ve lent the book to a friend so I can’t check the exact wording! But anyhow, I loved Normal People and these books certainly have some things in common like the multiple perspectives and timelines as well as the frustration or sadness you might feel at times when the characters fail to communicate but you’re sitting there actually getting both sides of the story and feeling hopeless. However, despite the fact that this book is full of sorrow and sadness it also brings me hope at the end. Things may not have turned out like the characters had planned in their youth, they might have gone through some heartaches for different reasons but in the final chapter when they’re actually around forty, there’s a sense of contentment which reminds the reader that not everything has to be perfect in order to feel fulfilment in life. I just feel like it’s a great description of life, friendship and a reminder to sometimes step out of the situation you’re in and look at it from a different perspective - whether that’s trying to see things from your loved one’s point of view or imagining a different direction for your own life.

I would recommend this to anyone but especially to everyone who might have liked Normal People or who likes books about female friendship! Also if you have any recommendations on books about female friendship then let me know!

Ps. Anna Hope is also an actress, who is perhaps most famous for her appearance on Doctor Who as Novice Hame so the cat nun in episodes 1 of season 2 (David Tennant’s first season) and episode 3 of season 3!

Pps. There wasn’t any gifs to really go with this book as it has not been turned into TV or film (not yet anyhow) so I just used gifs of some of my favourite female friendships to illustrate this post with 👯‍♀️

[nekkyousagi]

Beast Wars Transformers - Season 1 - Favorite Moments

Kind of a summary of a few of my favorite bits of episodes from the second half of the 1st season. This post is long enough, so I might do a separate one of my thoughts about the characters.

Episode 6: Power Surge - Terrorsaur is definitely the Starscream of this show. He’s an idiot...but hey, I give him credit for being the first to actually K.O. Megatron.

Episode 10: Gorilla Warfare

Really painful watching Optimus being forced into a berserker mode by some strange device.  And baby boy Cheetor being the little voice of reason in his mind, ‘please big bot, don’t give in, don’t let it take over you!’ *sobbing*

I got a bit emotional as he went battle crazed and stormed the Predacon base. And then Megatron has the gall to mock him as he was like ‘Ooh, look what you can do with your moral compass turned off. it suits you.’ Reminded me a lot of how Megatron at the end of Armada was like...’Oh Optimus, you put on the hero act but you really do enjoy battle and killing don’t you? muahaha!’ OH IT STINGS!

“Gorilla warfare suits you. The old Optimus would’ve never made it this far.”

And then after Optimus is rid of the device and in recovery, how super tsun Dinobot was at his bedside when he awoke. OOOH that was a cute moment!!!! Awwwww! Dinobot has a tough hide, but he really does respect Optimus and...gosh it’s adorable! He’s so TSUNDERE!!!! I kinda love him.

Episode 12: Victory - Haha nice plan Megatron, but you are a jerk. They finally have a chance to leave and you ruin it. Also Dinobot you idiot tsun just go home with them! We’ll work out the kinks later! Who cares if your a Predacon ughhhh this stupid...! Optimus going back for him was typical good leader thing to do. But of course Megs gotta ruin things, again. I knew it was too early to be worried, since it’s only episode 12, but wow, seeing Optimus fall and get left behind was heartbreaking. Uggghhh! And Megatron appears to ruin things AGAIN but then Rhinox is like “NOT TODAY” and shoves Megatron down the hatch tube like a BOSS and then Optimus comes flying up to the rescue and STOPS THE SHIP FROM CRASHING WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND HIS ROCKET BOOSTERS, WHILE ‘NOT-SUPERMAN-THEME MUSIC’ FANFARE STARTS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND???!!! OMG OPTIMUS ARE YOU SUPERMAN?! *I AM CRYING* XXDDD

AND THEN WE GET HUGS FROM CHEETOR AND OPTIMUS HEAD PATS!!?! I AM DYINGGGGGGG!!!!

Episode 13: Dark Designs - So I took this as basically the Beast Wars version of a “Synthen episode”...but instead, it’s the calm and level-headed Rhinox getting reformatted into a Predacon and instead of his peace-loving self is replaced by a battle ready warrior,  and he totally trashes the Predacon base, again, LIKE A BOSS. I’m really starting to like Rhinox.  He packs a punch! Even Megatron was like...’oh, I seem to have underestimated him, yessssssss.’ Never underestimate the doctor / engineers!

Episode 14: Double Dinobot - was basically this

Episode 15: The Spark - I had read somewhere that it was this episode where the idea of a Cybertronian “spark” first appeared. That before this, Cybertronians were either born from the pure metal of the planet or were given personalities from Vector Sigma, while their bodies were just...built. And it was interesting to see how they played out this new form of life origin. Plus, a new character, Air Razor. I was surprised...actually I’m not sure if I’ve heard of her before. But it’s nice the good guys finally get a flier...besides Optimus. Her design reminds me of Hawkgirl from the old Justice League cartoon I grew up watching.

[ Also, I started noticing this running gag that some of the Predacon goons will get blown apart but don’t...die?! They can just be rebuilt but if one of the Maximals gets a broken joint, or disrupted energy circuits, it’s doom for them! How does this work? Or is it just a corny gag because it’s a kid’s show...???? ]

Episode 19: Call of the Wild - It was really interesting seeing the Cybertronian Maximals dealing with their beast forms. How the animal instincts were taking over their minds! But Tigatron, I love that zen loving tiger bot, he helps them to be one with their animal forms and use it to their advantage, like he learned to!

But the BEST PART in this whole episode was Megatron going on the hunt while being carried on this THRONE like a Jungle Queen?? OMG!!

I thought Megatron in TFPrime was extra, no, THIS has to be the most EXTRA AND DRAMATIC Megatron I’ve ever seen! He is killing me!!! XDDD

Episode 20: Dark Voyage - Ok, this was another ‘Rhinox is actually a good leader’ episode, no doubt. But it was kinda upsetting to see poor baby, boy Cheetor get strangled by some giant Titanoboa, leaving his shoulder busted and then he says...’I feel cold.’ I was like, NO CHEETOR DON’T DIE, SWEET BABY! Save him!!!!! But it was a great tactic for Rhinox to remind everyone of their battle training and visualize a grid in their mind so they could target attacking fliers, even though none of them could see. Great strategy but whoo, that was too close! Let’s not risk the child anymore, my poor heart can’t take it!

Episode 21: Possession - Starscream...returns?????!!!!!! Maybe I should’ve watched the rest of G1...? I am so lost! XDD

Episode 23: Law of the Jungle - Ok, that was really sad. I think I’m really getting attached to Tigatron. (TAT) Also, Inferno is so feral with his flame throwers and his crazy laugh! Wow...he even got Terrorsaur to slip and say “The Royalty.” LOLOL This episode had a deep message and some lore thrown in. I do wonder if later on in this series, they’ll explain why, and at what point, the factions names were changed from Autobots and Decepticons to Maximals and Predacons? If they’re descendants and fight for the same reasons and motives? But gosh, it’s really depressing that the war has gone on for that long...so very, very long. Like it never, ever ended. [I’m supposing this story is in the G1 timeline, given how the spark of G1 Starscream appeared.] Tigatron made a really important point, even though ultimately he decided to keep fighting. Some really sobering lines mixed in here...hmmm!

Episode 24: Before the Storm

“Yes, my Queen!” “Ughhh, I wish he wouldn’t call me that.”

MY QUEEEEEEEN!!! Ok, this is what you guys meant about Inferno. Omg I love it tho! What a good little loyal soldier ant. *muffled snorting laughter*

A truce? What are you up to Meg?

Oh...oh god. He’s having a spa day?

Have to look your best before conquering the universe. God, I love this Megatron. I’m crying he makes me laugh so much!

Wow...plot is happening!!!! IT’S HAPPENING!!!!! oH MY!

EPISODE 25 & 26: Other Voices - Wow, things took a nosedive for the worst. Who are these aliens, really? That projection gave me a heart attack, but it wasn’t real. Ok I know our heroes are getting out of this, there are 2 more seasons, but how?? Oh...plans align on both sides! But...BUT!!! OH NO!!! No no noooo! What a terrible cliffhanger to end the 1st season! How dare they end it like that?! I can hear all the 90s kids wailing in anguish~! Having to wait months to find out what happened?! Optimus, dear, you do have a terrible track record. What next...??? On to SEASON 2!!

[prodigiousvisions]

Headcanon/Divergence? [1] (Yosano): Childhood, The Great War, and life after the war.

Initial disclaimer and semi-related note(s)–

So if part of this looks familiar to you, that’s probably because you read it before in its original, rudimentary state. I have quite a few regrets of impulsively deleting my Yosano blog (vivificamortem) tbh due to having an episode, and one of them was not saving the original post of this when I first wrote it. That being said I still think it’s important enough to warrant a rewrite even if I don’t exactly recall the specifics. As this eventually becomes very Fukuzawa and Ranpo orientated/centric, I just want to make it clear this will not apply to your respective muses of these two unless we discuss it. These are considered backstory supplements and characterizations of Yosano and Yosano’s main verse. She does not have mains for Ranpo or Fukuzawa at this time, and I usually... don’t do mains? But for specifics like this, this would probably apply to potential, future mains and warrant mains of these two. If that makes sense. Anyway. This will also include a bunch of new HC details I didn’t have before.

I was going to be mean and not put this under a cut lol but I’ll be merciful since it is extremely thorough and lengthy. 2,300+ words lengthy, and that’s not including this disclaimer. I know I asked people to read this once finished but realistically I cannot ask that in good conscious unless you are genuinely interested/care and actually are into BSD lol. Fleshed out details+conceptualized explanations/characterization below. Content/mention warnings for suicide ideation + attempts, and neglect.

CHILDHOOD

Yosano was an only child. She was not a beloved child, a planned child, nor a wanted child. Her parents would have been inclined to give her away instantly had they not compromised to raise her as a sort of... ‘help’ for the couple’s wagashi shop. It was a regret far before the first sleepless night when she was a baby, but they decided to grin and bear it. Raising Yosano was an arduous task and they made it very clear in how they behaved toward her as she was growing up. Saying that she was simply neglected wouldn’t even begin to describe it. In response to this, as a young girl Yosano developed a loud, brash personality that would more often than not get her in trouble both at school and with her parents. Being punished was never fun, but at least it garnered their attention for a little while before they went back to essentially ignoring her presence. Her adapted personality would not lead to any fruition for her lonely soul at school either, most kids finding her annoying, scary, or would simply view her in scorn for being so outspoken and strange. She began to believe the outlook of her parents: her only use was to be a shopkeep of the family business. The girl debated with herself often what was the worth of life, what was the point to live, if not to live and be frowned down upon at every other moment. Troubled and depressed, Yosano tries her hardest to cope, keeping her chin up but her eyes glued to the floor when in seclusion.

At some point or another Yosano and her parents find out about her ability and the extent of it all. It freaks Yosano out at the start, thinking about how ridiculous it is that someone who contemplated on a daily basis what they truly benefited out of being alive could potentially alter the fate of someone’s life and grant them a second chance. Then for once, she finds worth in herself. It wasn’t something she could actively go and show off of course, but it gave her a purpose. Her dramatized exterior of self-entitlement and loudmouthedness proceeds on of course, but her outlook begins to shift. She has hope. She can do something good for people. And have a (figurative) place doing so. 

This new purpose was an open door opportunity not only for Yosano, but her parents as well. At the first opportunity to do so as they are tired of taking care of this child, they’re quick to send her off, knowing how valuable that ability and its potential was. In this case, it was the military (either catching wind of her ability or deciding to now call on her due to the necessary role in their war strategy) demanding for Yosano to take part personally. It was a ridiculously easy feat to get their permission to send her away. She was technically no longer their responsibility while she was away. Hell, they hoped she would never come back.

She wouldn’t. And that was that. That was the last time she ever saw and would be in contact with her parents.

THE GREAT WAR

It’s worth reminding everyone that Yosano was a child, and the gravity of her new circumstances didn’t quite dawn on her before it was too late. At the start, she was excited to show that she could have worth and be surrounded by people that would appreciate her for what she did. It would be the first time in all of her life that would happen. And it is for these very reasons that she has such strong, genuine, sincere reactions during the chapters/times she is midst the war. While maintaining her semi huffy and self-imposed air, she was also able to allow it to falter a little because for once, she didn’t need to resort to that to be paid attention to. In their initial praise, it did freak her out at first, the foreignness being so strange to her. But she appreciated it, she truly did. (Note: this obviously doesn’t apply to Mori lol.) The unnamed soldier that Yosano interacts with at this time especially strikes a chord with her. His kindness makes her think that maybe if she was fortunate enough, she would have liked to have someone like that as a brother. Maybe someone like that could have stopped the pain she’d endured with her parents. But that was in the past! He was lending her more toward the perspective of hope just as he told her that she was doing for him and the other soldiers. The creation of the butterfly clip, again, freaks her out because she’s unsure how to react to kind gestures. It is the first of its kind– a present, meaningful in its weight and sentiment in a way that she would learn later would continue to influence her life in various, monumental ways. His present interest in poetry is also something that Yosano would find herself enjoying, too. At the time.

Honestly, I really don’t even think it’s worth elaborating on Mori cause. Well. That whole ordeal speaks for itself. His manipulation and obsession grosses her out at its minimum / start and would later be the colossal trigger and collapse of her mental stability and lead to lasting trauma even as an adult. But anyways, back to other details worth note in this timeframe.

The war efforts proceed and we reach the point where things are looking grim and soldiers are getting near fatally injured faster, and coming back in droves. She realizes rather quickly that she bit off more than she can chew; to have to bear witness to these men being on the brink of death and quickly ‘revive’ them like some sort of automated robot would, naturally, mess up anyone. Her haughty behavior drops quickly as she becomes more quiet, tired, horror creeping up her body gradually in the form of slowly raising goosebumps. She’s wondering when the war will be over, and starts to second guess her purpose. Is what she’s doing right? But she’s not hit rock bottom, not yet at least, as the unnamed soldier reassures her the second instance. He relays how her saving him would bring him back to his family. He tells her: “I’m glad that you’re here.” And it makes way for Yosano’s first instance of ever crying in front of someone, feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude to being seen and the need to trudge forward to protect. Protect those who had a life to return to. He’d been living proof of the importance of life– that life wasn’t always so cruel to others, that she had a chance to be surrounded by those who cared about her too. She cries in her vulnerability.

Things turn for the worst. Every day is a living nightmare. She can wipe away blood from her body, others’ body, but she will never be clean of the endless pools of blood that stained her hands after her treatments. Even at the age of 11, she comes to the realization that she is the single force that shackles all these people to the torture of having to throw themselves into battle again and again for futile efforts. She’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown constantly, but consoles herself with the thought that the unnamed soldier will be able to tell her it’s alright, maybe even help her figure out a way to get them all out of there. Yosano doesn’t want her ability, hell, she’d opt to having no purpose over this. She would trade her life for all of these people. She just needed this to stop. It’s all her fault. 

The person who was the embodiment of her last shred of sanity and piece of hope commits suicide and dubs her the Angel of Death, and that was her final breaking point. The sliver of belief that providing good for people and having a purpose is ultimately gone. Her worldview that she started to have hope for shatters. It was a cumulative, gradual raise of hope for a better life to have it all smashed to the ground. This tied in with the actual events she lived through, clearly, do not help. Trauma blocks it out of her memory later on, but there are plentiful, deliberate suicide attempts from the young girl afterward, wanting out of this hell that her own hands allowed to bear fruit, but for various circumstances and reasons, her attempts would not work and/or she would simply not be allowed to die at Mori’s hands. She is a hysterical, screaming, crying mess until she is no longer able to cry anymore. If not suicide, then alternative methods. Yosano would attempt to blow the ship up with the explosives that were stored at the bottom – it would have been a far crueler end than prolonging everyone’s destined death, but ultimately fails at that as well. 

LIFE AFTER THE WAR

She is apprehended and taken away to an institution where she spends three years in a void of a space, living on earth as if her spirit has long been faded. She is a shell of a person, succumbed to her own despair and doing the absolute bare minimum. Humanity only ever makes itself present in jaded eyes that blink sometimes and the agonizingly slow rise and fall of her chest to indicate that somehow, she was breathing. Living, but not alive. Not really, anyway. She may as well be rotting away, unkempt, unpure, and wishing life would simply put her out of her misery. Devoid of any hope, feeling death would be a start of repenting for her crimes. But it was never that easy. Why would it be? 

Ranpo and Fukuzawa rescue her. We all know how that goes. Let’s touch on some details of after that. 

After rescuing her, the duo have Yosano reside with them in Fukuzawa’s apartment. While Ranpo and Fukuzawa managed to recover a glimmer of hope in Yosano by rescuing her alone, the hope is discarded as she feels she is unworthy of it and they essentially are put in a position where they have to rehabilitate her. These two people cared enough about her to try to help her– she can see it, despite going about like a walking corpse some days. But guilt is overbearing, suffocating, and it shakes her down with constant night terrors that she is too drained to scream at as well as frequent moments where she blacks out without prompting. At this time, the butterfly clip she dares not to remove from her person is a reminder, a grim heavy burden she forces herself to carry on her shoulders that she was not a good person and that this was her karma and hers alone. She should not forget that no matter how good intentioned Ranpo and Fukuzawa were to her. There was absolutely at least one more time she attempted to take her life. Needless to say, it’s a painstakingly slow process, taking about a full year before Yosano can even start to really improve outside of talking to them here and there. 

(I feel like this behavior / state is EXTREMELY similar to how Kyouka starts off as, too, so my Yosano would definitely take to Kyouka more strongly than some others. But that is an entirely different conversation for some other time.)

Once she gets to a point where she can process things again and forcing herself to come to terms with the fact that these two will simply not allow her to remain dormant, Ranpo takes to tutoring her to help get her back on track to where she left off in her schooling, as she was getting stable enough to where Fukuzawa had confidence she could get better. This process was also slow, but Ranpo is quite the good teacher when he wants to be! The endeavor is a success, and she is able to enroll again in public school, where she is still piecing together why she was granted this second chance at life. It feels pitifully ironic, all things considered. As time does, it also grants an opportunity for growth and change. Eventually, she gradually shakes her way out of her shell at snail’s pace. Some days were still harder than others, of course. Getting poetry assignments would make Yosano have full on anxiety attacks where the only solutions of getting her to calm down were to have Ranpo or Fukuzawa at her side, or if at school and neither were present, to be sent home. These instances lessened over time, thankfully, and the episodes would turn to bitter, depressing moments where Yosano would tense up and try to pass it off to Ranpo if she was able in a way that while seemed lukewarm in how she expressed it, certainly held its weight of obvious trauma. 

(She never liked to talk about her issues. Never. And instead almost always opted for distractions as her method of coping. It is a major flaw of hers that you can absolutely call her out for even in present time.)

Yosano will never truly return to being 100% normal, but that’s fine, as she really was never at 100% anyway. Schooling in its own right helped her cope with things and served as a distraction from negative thoughts, and she found herself enjoying it and studying harder than ever before. Assisting in the preliminaries of helping around the detective agency also allowed her to grow into the figurative seat that Ranpo saved just for her. No longer did she have to be abrasive to garner people’s attention, either, becoming more comfortable with an occasional snarky tongue when the situation allowed it, and slowly being allowed to live as herself for the first time. It was truly shocking to see that people liked her for her and not the potential of weaponizing the dangerous ability that she had. Once more was her ambition to help people reignited, but it would be done on her own terms. Compelled by her convictions as schooling was coming to a close, she decided that she would go to pursue higher education at a university while formally getting a degree to become a doctor. It is then when she got accepted that her new self would truly shine, becoming as close as she could to be at peace. This endeavor was sped up to lightning fast speeds because of her drilled in skill of being all the more studious and essentially holding the knowledge of what it entailed already.

Not necessarily integral details, but while in university, she did pick up the hobbies of taking up Kickboxing Classes as well as Dance Classes and are longstanding interests of hers that she maintains even after finishing her schooling. These, too, serve(d) as time slot distractions to keep her thoughts at bay when her mind decided to be a little cruel to her at some moments. Poetry no longer leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and is now a newfound interest of hers. She even writes poetry of her own at times. As of present time, her butterfly clip is still a symbol of burden she chooses to carry and a reminder, but it is also representative of metamorphosis, a chance at a new beginning– a new life. That there was value in life, and that you should live on for those who could not.

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 4 Episode 1: Group A Baby, Premiere Time! Guesses & Commentary

Hello my fellow Masked Singer peeps!! It’s that time, I’ve been waiting for this for so long and I can’t wait for this season, it’s looking super promising I’m so excited! So I am going to try to do these every Friday (since I watch The Masked Singer on Hulu the day after it comes out, which is Thursdays)... so stay tuned. This season, there have been 2 huge changes, the lack of audience (they were digitally edited in which I am not a big fan of) and the Golden Ear Trophy (where the judges put their first impression guesses and the judge(s) who got them correct get a point so we’re going to be talking about that too... I’m gonna call the segment Golden Ear Time every time someone gets eliminated)... alright so here we have Group A:

First and foremost we have the first eliminated contestant of the season who was: 

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

The Dragon

Ok, so I kinda saw this coming (both who it was & that he was going to get eliminated), I’m kind of bummed out about it being so soon but everybody was so great that it was super hard to say that I wanted one to be gone.

Ok let’s first talk about his performance like always (if you haven’t seen my recaps before, 1st welcome! I’m Ana, nice to meet you... 2nd my format starts with the eliminated contestant and first I commentate on their performance, reveal them, and do clues how they match/the judges’ guesses now with the Golden Ear thing and then I do the same for the remaining contestants, the clues & commentary): I am not gonna lie, I enjoyed the dragon even though he was one of my least favorite performances (I am not the biggest rap fan, it’s not my least favorite genre by any means, but it’s just not my cup of tea even though this performance was fun af, like you could tell this was a real rapper... we’ll get to that later tho). He was awesome, it is a shame he went home so soon ngl. 

Anyways, let’s look at who the Dragon was revealed to be, shall we? Ahh it’s good to be back typing that: 😄

*DRUMROLL PLEASE*

Busta Rhymes!!!! 

So, I’m kind of shook and proud of myself because I legit heard a sneak peak of like 20 seconds of him rapping and I got it instantly even though I only know Busta Rhymes in passing by songs he’s featured in with other artists. Ok, let’s look at the clues, shall we? 

Clues:

“Dressing up in outrageous costumes isn’t new to me”= known for crazy costumes

A lot of gold= gold records  

Weights= has a love of weightlifting

Now it’s time for *fanfare* Golden Ear Trophy Time (and also a little bit of making fun of the judges... aka only Ken this time because this is kind of ridiculous)

Nichole & Robin each got 1 point with their guess of Busta Rhymes... yay!! They got it! 🥳

Ken: this wasn’t his 1st impression guess but his final guess legit makes me want to roast the crap out of him... Michael Phelps (like look at that performance and don’t tell me that you think that guess is actually a good one... like not even close 🤨)

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, let’s now talk about the remaining 4 contestants: 

1. The Sun

Performance: She was amazing, like one of my favorites from this episode. Her rendition of Because I Love You by Lizzo was gorgeous, she has a beautiful voice and she’s such a star man, I really do believe that she will go very far. 

As for my guess, I really do have believe it is singer songwriter...

LEANN RIMES 

I think this because of the following clues: 

Mickey Mouse shape= Disney= LeAnn Rimes sang multiple times for Disney, especially the song that appears during the fireworks show at Disneyland and had a Disney Channel special back in the day.

Fell into a deep depression= was sought into treatment in 2012 and is very open about her mental health going down after being a child star

Judges’ Guesses 

Jenny: Demi Lovato (not a bad guess, a lot of people agreed with this... I just don’t feel like the tone matches up) 

Ken: Madonna (say what now? That doesn’t even sound close to Madonna, but whatever Ken is Ken... what else is to expect?) 

2. Popcorn

Performance: She was great, I can tell she is a legendary singer. I had high expectations because this is like my favorite costume of the whole season, and I was a little bit let down not gonna lie. She sang “What about us” by Pink and I didn’t really love the song choice if I’m honest. Hopefully, she’ll do better, since I really want her to advance really far. 

As for my guess, I am not 100% sure, but my closest guess is legendary singer...

TINA TURNER 

I think this because of the following clues:

Mickey Mouse shape= Disney= LeAnn Rimes sang multiple times for Disney, especially the song that appears during the fireworks show at Disneyland and had a Disney Channel special back in the day.

Built a career around love= idk about this 

Proud Merry Go Round= ik too obvious but I really can’t think of anyone else especially due to the voice 

Judges’ Guesses

Jenny: Tina Turner (my guess exactly... I am still not 100% sure)

Nicole: Mary J. Blige (that’s pretty good but I’m not sure) 

Ken: Carole Baskin (wtf Ken? Please Masked Singer never have her on this show, I’ve had enough with her on DWTS)

3. Giraffe 

Performance: He was great and it was fun to watch, but I feel like he could do better. If it's who I think it is, I know he could do better than that first performance of Let’s Get it Started by The Black Eyed Peas. 

As for my guess, I have a feeling it could be Broadway legend, Hamilton superstar...

DAVEED DIGGS?

I honestly don’t know about it based on the clues:

He says music is in his blood

Was the butt of jokes but now he’s like super successful = this one sounds kind of probable but the clues are too general 

Judges’ Guesses

Robin: Vanilla Ice (I also heard this a lot online... maybe but the clues make no sense with Vanilla Ice) 

Jenny: Travis Barker (maybe... not a bad guess) 

4. Snow Owls 

Performance: Oh my god the first pair ever, how fun! I hope they keep doing this more in future seasons! They were literally my favorite of the night! Their rendition of “Say Something” was so stunning, I was shocked. 

As for my guess, I really do have believe it is sibling duo...

JULIANNE & DEREK HOUGH

I think this because of the following clues:

Family reunion, haven’t done anything together in a while= they used to work together a lot and now they have been pretty separate with her doing her singing stuff and him on World of Dance and Dancing With The Stars (if he’s on this too, damn he’s on all the channels haha) 

Christmas clues= they just did a Christmas show together in 2019 and came out with christmas music

He’s a prankster= Derek really is one, just look at his TikTok haha 

Also they sang this exact song together in one of their tours back in 2017 and it sounds really similar, here’s the clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhC9dkmliTM

Judges’ Guesses

Jenny & Nicole: Donny & Marie Osmond (I mean Donny was already the peacock on season 1, I doubt that he’ll be back)

Ken: Eugene Levy and Catherine O Hara (they’re not really related so idk how it makes sense but not a bad guess.. I genuinely think it has to be a brother and sister duo)

Anyways, that’s all for today woohoo! See you guys next week, omg it’s great to be back! I am so excited for what’s to come, time for a rollercoaster of a season. Bye everybody! 👋🏼