#ep. this mortal coil

[dr-futbol-blog]

Allies, Pt. 15

McKay joins Sheppard in watching the wraith queen sashay away, and we see that he is holding his own hand possibly in an attempt to soothe his nervousness, a self-soothing gesture rising not just from the wraith making him feel uncomfortable but because he has something to say to Sheppard that he knows the other man is not going to like hearing. He is taking comfort in clasping his hands together but also in coming to stand close to Sheppard, taking his place next to him now that not just the queen but also the guards trailing her are taking away. Note that the hive that Sheppard had just made go "boom" on the screen behind them forms like a burning arrow first between the two of them and then behind McKay, McKay occupying its space. McKay squints as they watch the queen leave together, looking unsettled and vaguely disgusted. We then see his entire demeanour change as soon as Sheppard engages him, as he cracks a joke to lighten the mood.

Sheppard: What's a girl like her do for fun? McKay: Hmm. I should be on that hive when we do this. Weir: Excuse me?

Sheppard calls the queen a "girl," the sarcasm evident in his tone. Not only is the wraith queen not very girly to the point of coming across mannish with her tall stature and deep voice, but she is not even human. We never learn what Sheppard thinks of drag queens but dressed in white leather, she seems like a reversal or the opposite of Sheppard's kink or preference for partners, revealed later on in The Game (S03E15), of hypermasculine balding leather daddies -- and it is not a coincidence that we later also get McKay clad in black leather. This is actually lampshaded in This Mortal Coil (S04E10) where they have McKay himself remark on his new black leather uniform:

Regardless, even though Sheppard's comment makes it sound as though he is thinking about the wraith queen in the context of sex, that he were interested in knowing what passes as recreation among the wraith, it is unlikely that he is actually thinking about how the wraith get down. The implication is there but both Sheppard and McKay probably feel that what the wraith do for fun is best not to think about, Sheppard having been disgusted enough to have learned about the humans who have chosen to willingly serve the wraith. Neither of them say it out loud but what a "girl like her" does for fun probably makes the Hellraiser films seem like a church potluck, probably involving babies and puppies. He really does not want to know.

Note that when McKay steps up to Sheppard, he steps right into Sheppard's space. And Sheppard not only allows but welcomes him there, his murmured comment as McKay approaches him inviting McKay into his intimate space, into his confidence. With the comment Sheppard is not just sharing his thoughts with McKay in this moment -- and Sheppard is a very private person, he does not do this often or with just everyone -- but he is drawing McKay to him, to share in himself. Note also that Sheppard can tell that McKay has approached him without looking at him. Sheppard is watching the queen leave, his eyes fixed on her but he still knows where McKay is in the room and he knows precisely the volume to use as McKay comes near him, aware of his physical presence.

Make no mistake: even though Weir is in the room, this is a private moment between Sheppard and McKay, and note that although we are shown it only after the fact, when Sheppard makes the comment Weir has her back turned to them which had created a pocket of privacy for the two of them. This might be the reason Sheppard feels like it is intimate enough for him to make the private comment to McKay even though they are not truly alone. But let us note that this is also an example of Weir being an ally, of Sheppard trusting her following her facilitating their 'honeymoon" that he allows her to overhear this. But regardless of whether she can overhear them or not, this is not a comment for her. This is guy talk, "locker room talk," the kind of comment he would never make to her not only because she is his superior but also because they do not have that kind of a relationship, they are not that intimate. He is saying this to McKay to relieve his own tension and to make McKay feel better but also to make him laugh, to amuse him, to elicit a reaction out of him. He is making a comment to the boy that he loves hoping that he will like it and will like him, this is a moment for them to bond over, to re-establish their connection. Although they are not in private, this is nonetheless a private exchange. And note that although McKay does not speak in words, this is very much an exchange.

McKay responds to Sheppard with a soft hum that might seem noncommittal to an outside observer but which Sheppard likely can interpret with no difficulty. Sheppard is commenting on a woman here and we have noted many times before that McKay does not like Sheppard paying attention to women. McKay has had full-blown jealous snits over Sheppard seeming to pay attention to women and while more often than not it has been the women pursuing Sheppard rather than the other way around, just the thought that Sheppard might find a woman attractive is enough to raise his heckles. We had seen this happen with a wraith previously in Aurora (S02E09), when a wraith had taken the visage of a beautiful Ancient woman and McKay was suspicious of why Sheppard had revealed secrets to her. While it never seemed like Sheppard was particularly interested in her, McKay believed that he was, which had caused him to comment on her being hot, seriously hot later. While McKay likewise never found her attractive (gleefully commenting "Not so hot now!" about the wraith later), he had confessed to Sheppard that he disgusted himself sometimes, thinking about the wraith in sexual terms. This was in effort to elicit jealousy in Sheppard.

We had also seen Sheppard trying very hard to elicit jealousy in McKay in Inferno (S02E19), but that is not what this is -- neither here thinks that the queen is even remotely attractive, the comment isn't about that. If anything, Sheppard is implying that the opposite is true. Not for the first time the two of them are being the "mean girls", talking about others behind their back as a way of bonding. But it is also important that McKay's reaction tells us that he is not feeling that reflexive jealousy over Sheppard paying attention to someone else here which suggests that the two of them have discussed the topic of women and boundaries during their weeks alone together. McKay had made the remark "Let's talk about it for a long time, that'll help for sure" earlier, indicating that they had talked some things over so thoroughly, so exhaustively, that he was tired of talking about it. Sheppard and the women may well have been among the things they had talked about, and McKay's reaction to his comment here may betray a better understanding on McKay's part for where Sheppard is coming from.

Also important to note here is that McKay does not seem to have a compulsive need to talk, to fill the silence with Sheppard. McKay is a verbose fellow who has a very obvious need to be heard and to reclaim space by making himself heard, but it seems that with Sheppard he is comfortable also being quiet. He does not need to talk with him. I have noted many times that they seem have this ability to communicate without using words, this unsettling ability to look at the other man and to know their thoughts, and while we have seen several times that Sheppard has communicated without words to McKay (most prominently in Trinity (S02E06), where they have a whole conversation where Sheppard says not a word), Sheppard is also able to read McKay's thoughts, to know what he is thinking just by looking at his face.

We have seen both of them do it, both communicate thoughts wordlessly and read the other's thoughts from looking at the other's face. And this seems to form an important channel for their communication, Sheppard needing to see McKay's face especially when something is going down, in intense situations. Another example of where it is Sheppard talking to McKay and McKay responding wordlessly is in Critical Mass (S02E13), where we catch a glimpse of a private moment between them, Sheppard musing on taking the weekend off and McKay responding merely through a chuckle. They can both read the other's expressions and interpret their different grunts and moans, which just evinces this intimacy between them, betrays the fact that they know each other very, very well. And this is precisely why McKay seemed apprehensive saying what he felt like he needed to say, to tell Sheppard what he had decided to do. He already knows how Sheppard is going to feel about it.

Sheppard: Really? McKay: I know it's uncharacteristically brave, but I've hacked a lot of their systems under the guise of repairing them. I've convinced them that I should be there to supervise their systems if anything goes wrong. Weir: And they agreed to this? McKay: Yes.

While Sheppard manages to say only a single word, his tone is incredulous. Although McKay describes what he had intended to do as "uncharacteristically brave" -- where, in fact, it is right on brand for him, Sheppard certainly thinking McKay is brave beyond the telling of it -- McKay (and undoubtedly a portion of the audience as well) may well interpret his "Really?" as communicating dubiety, that Sheppard has doubts about McKay taking on such a daunting task. But that is not what is bewildering Sheppard. Everything in Sheppard, from the tips of his hair to the toes on his feet, is against this plan. He does not want McKay to do what he is proposing to do. Sheppard's gut reaction is to shut that down and tell McKay no, to forbid him, to order him not to go.

Sheppard does not think it is uncharacteristically brave of McKay, he thinks that McKay is the bravest man he has ever met. He is a much braver man than Sheppard could ever be because this, just the thought that McKay is placing himself in danger, is putting his own life on the line for the greater good fills Sheppard with dread. It is Weir who sounds incredulous with her "Excuse me?!" Sheppard is afraid. After his first visceral reaction we see that he stops to look at McKay, that he is looking at him mutely and unable to say anything, unable to look away. McKay may be talking to both Sheppard and Weir, trying to make a case for why he needs to go -- probably still trying to convince himself that it is a good idea at this point. But for Sheppard, the whole rest of the world had ceased to exist when McKay dropped the bomb. McKay is having a conversation with Weir where Sheppard seems to just be silently pleading for McKay to tell him it isn't true, that it was a mistake.

Their hands are very close to begin with and we see McKay do the self-soothing fist-pumping thing he often does when he is feeling nervous. He lifts his hand to start gesticulating and it is possible that if he had not drawn his hand away that Sheppard would have grabbed it, that he was close to grabbing McKay's hand even though they are not in private. It is possible that both of them felt the need to take the other's hand and hence McKay draws his hand up, removes the opportunity and temptation. But this is how close they are standing here, how close McKay had come to stand to Sheppard to say what he needed to say.

Sheppard continues standing with his hands hanging limply at his sides watching McKay with a sad, miserable look on his face but he does not say anything. He and McKay seem to have had ample opportunity to discuss the things that had been respectively bothering them, that had grown into a wall between them, and Sheppard had made the decision to try to live up to what ever promises they had made to each other during their time on the Orion. They had managed to hammer out a fragile peace between them, and because through all the adversity and after all the pain and sorrow they had finally arrived at a place where they were more or less good, he was not willing to jeopardize that. And so Sheppard was trying. He was trying very hard to be the supportive, loving man that he knows McKay deserves and he wishes he could be. But we can still see that it is bothering him. It is whole-body bothering him.

McKay: Plus, now we can freely beam stuff on and off their ships... I've written a programme that will immediately beam me out of there the second I activate this emergency transponder. Weir: You're sure you wanna do this? McKay: Of course I don't wanna do it! I just... I think it should be done.

Sheppard looks at Weir when she keeps hounding McKay about whether this is such a good idea, possibly hoping that she will do what he feels like he cannot do at the moment, which is to put a stop to this. Sheppard does trust that Weir has McKay's bests interests at heart, and he appreciates that. But it seems like McKay has actually thought this through and is able to convince her, and if it was a question of rational decision-making to Sheppard, maybe he could see it their way. But it is not. Sheppard folds his arms defensively and almost seems to hug himself, needing to comfort himself in the situation.

But not only is McKay aware of how difficult this must be for Sheppard -- he too very much does not want to place himself in jeopardy. He does not want to be hurt or die, and certainly not at the hands of the wraith, and so he has taken precautions for safeguarding his own life. Seeming able to anticipate Sheppard's objections, he produces a thingamajig that is supposed to beam him out of the hive the moment he is in trouble -- and something interesting happens then. Sheppard folding his arms defensively and turning his face away from McKay like an aggrieved, put upon spouse is telling. But even more curious is the way his eyes follow the movement of McKay's hand pointing at the transponder, almost like he is hypnotized by McKay's hands. He has watched those hands do many things. Those hands have done many things to him and for him. McKay has the hands of a magician and Sheppard is watching him like he is about to do a trick. It is a Pavlovian reaction in Sheppard to pay attention to what ever McKay is calling attention to.

Sheppard: Ronon goes along. McKay: Wouldn't have it any other way. Weir: And I'd like you on the Daedalus. Sheppard: No place I'd rather be. Weir: OK, good. Let's get this done. I'm about ready for our house guests to leave.

At last we get confirmation for the fact that it had been out of Sheppard's behest that Ronon had accompanied McKay on the hive previously because here, just as it must have been the first time, his one stipulation is that Ronon is there to protect him, to look over him. He is not letting McKay go there alone and he trusts that Ronon will be able to protect him because that was the whole point of him having recruited Ronon in the first place, that had been Sheppard's intention from the get-go. Ronon had become a valued member of his team over the course of their time together as a team but it had never been for himself or for Atlantis that Sheppard had needed Ronon, it had been for McKay. Sheppard did not need a bodyguard for himself, even though Ronon seemed to have gladly taken on that task for himself -- he needed a bodyguard for McKay. And while he wished that McKay would never have to face a situation such as this, it was precisely for this kind of thing that had made Ronon a Godsend.

Since they are both compromising here, McKay assents to Sheppard's stipulation even though he does not exactly seem thrilled about it. But in order to have a relationship, they both have to give and take, and they both have to let go of control like Heightmeyer had suggested in Duet (S02E04). Their dialogue here is significant in that the way they pronounce these phrases very much sounds like they are quoting something to each other, like they are making intentional references. McKay says "I wouldn't have it any other way" in a tone that brooks dissent, like he would rather have it some other way but because they had made an agreement, they were both trying to compromise and be accommodating, were trying to be considerate of the other man's feelings, then he was willing to do this for Sheppard. But he is making it known that it is for Sheppard that he agrees to take Ronon with him.

It is not that he does not think that he could use security or that he does not feel safer with Ronon there -- for the most part -- but having witnessed what he had before, he is also concerned about him. Some part of him is worried that Conan and his brawn-before-brains ways are going to get him kn trouble. He likes to believe that a cerebral approach is going to keep him out of trouble, keeps him from needing muscle to protect him when that is manifestly not true. But the way he says it here sounds like he is making an ironic reference to sappy love song lyrics, and while we know next to nothing about his particular taste in music, it has to be in reference to something that the both of them would know, a shared cultural artifact. One alternative is Wouldn’t Want It Any Other Way by Tim McGraw which seems not just to hold meaning for Sheppard and McKay's relationship (we may recall McKay's comment in Letters from Pegasus (S01E17) about having a friendly face to come home to) but which connects to this particular scene with the tender touching they finish off with:

Without me, maybe you'd find somebody else A little wiser, with a lot more wealth [for Sheppard, the wealth is not monetary but wealth of character] And without you, it's true I'd be free To go chasing all my dreams, without any strings But I wouldn't want it any other way Having you to come home to at the end of every day Your tender touch puts a smile back on my face Wouldn't want it any other way Hard times may never let up on us And maybe all we'll ever have will barely be enough And babe you know how cold the wind can blow Love's never let us down when we needed it the most

But it is not just McKay who seems to be quoting song lyrics, it is also Sheppard. Weir tells him that she wants him on the Daedalus and his response is not just to Weir but also to McKay. He tells Weir that there is no place he would rather be, and that does not seem to be exactly true. There are many places he would rather be, the chief among them the Orion and specifically the bed within its captain's quarters. But at the same time, he does very much want to be on the Daedalus if McKay is going to go ahead with this and get on the hive because on the Daedalus he is going to be as close to McKay as possible, he will be near McKay in case he needs him. Sheppard is thankful to Weir for suggesting this, for easing his worry just a little bit.

There is a similar scene later on in Be All My Sins Remember'd (S04E11) when they have all gathered to plan their attack on the Replicator home-world and Larrin asks Sheppard to take command of the Ancient warship the Travelers had commandeered, for the duration of the battle. They have the following exchange:

Larrin: I could use you in my Chair, Sheppard. We have an arsenal of drones but none of my guys can fire them quite like you can. Sheppard: No place I'd rather be.

While the scene is similar, even the face Sheppard pulls is similar, it is not the same. When Sheppard tells her that there is no place he would rather be, he means the exact opposite. He would rather be almost anywhere else but it is because it needs doing, it is because for McKay's plan to work they need to keep the Replicators occupied, that he agrees to do something that literally seems to make his skin crawl. The situation is similar in that he is asked to do something that goes against everything he holds dear. He is asked again to allow McKay to do something very dangerous, to go down to the replicator home-world on his own to plant their destruction. It is also similar in that Sheppard insists that Ronon goes with McKay -- along with a squad of marines. Sheppard does the same as in here, only more. He is even more worried than he is here. And it is possible that he is remembering this precise moment as he reluctantly gives his assent to her then.

It is not just the fact that Sheppard seems to be saying this in response to what McKay had just said to him that suggests this is in reference to a song lyric but also the way McKay looks at him, like he just caught on to something Sheppard was doing. Like he caught the reference. So what song is Sheppard referring to? There are a bunch of songs with the phrase as a title but most of them are either later than the episode or otherwise not well-known enough to be the kind of cultural artifacts that allow for the making of references. However, the phrase is used prominently in the song For the Love of You by the Isley Brothers from 1975 that is the kind of sappy love song that would be fitting for the occasion and that they both might know. It goes:

Drifting on a memory, ain't no place I'd rather be Than with you, yeah, loving you Day will make a way for night, all we'll need is candle lights And a song, yeah, soft and long Glad to be here alone with a lover unlike no other Sad to see a new horizon slowly coming into view, yeah I wanna be living for the love of you All that I'm giving is for the love of you Lovely as a ray of sun that touches me when the morning comes Feels good to me, my love and me Smoother than a gentle breeze, flowing through my mind with ease Soft as can be, when you're loving me Love to be right in the waves of your love enchanted with a touch and it seems to me we could sail together, in and out of mystery Paradise I have within, can't feel insecure again You're the key, well, and this I see Now and then I lose my way Using words that try to say what I feel Yeah, love is real

This song seems to be like a soundtrack to what ever had happened when they had been on the Orion alone together -- perhaps in a very literal sense of them having played this song, soft and long, while physically reconnecting.

Later on in Search and Rescue (S05E01) we see Sheppard hallucinate a scene in which he is having a candlelit dinner with Teyla where they both confess to enjoying the time they have alone together, and which the end of the episode shows is not at all true for Sheppard and Teyla because they both seem very uncomfortable having to spend time with each other alone together. The scene that Sheppard had hallucinated seemed to be a memory of time that Sheppard had spent together with McKay, one of the best memories of his life, and his mind had transplanted McKay with Teyla because he believed that their attempt at rescuing Teyla had just killed McKay and he seemed to be unable to deal with this thought. I have written about the scene before and I will return to it again; important here is that Sheppard and McKay seem to have enjoyed time together that we never got to witness during which they had dinner, wine, candle light, the whole romantic nine yards of it -- and their "honeymoon" on the Orion is one of the times that this could have taken place.

The song seems to clarify some of Sheppard's motivation, of why he is behaving the way he is here. He is trying very hard to trust that McKay will be able to take care of himself, to not let his fears get the better of him and destroy this thing that is so very important to him, the best thing that has ever happened to him. He is trying to be a better man for the man that he loves. When Sheppard says that there is no place he would rather be, he means McKay. The reason he wants to be on the Daedalus is to be near McKay.

McKay leaves and we see him patting Sheppard's arm as he goes, again a moment that has been giffed countless of times. While we do not get many touches between Sheppard and McKay, this is the third one to take place at the end of this season. And let us be clear: this touch is completely unnecessary. There is no reason for McKay to touch him beyond wanting to do it, beyond needing to do it. It seemed like McKay was about to grab Sheppard's hand earlier, he had been holding his own hand because he needed to touch and now that he leaves, he is about to embark on a dangerous mission, he has to take comfort in touching Sheppard and also to give his comfort, knowing that this cannot be easy for Sheppard. I have discussed before how McKay does not seem to touch Sheppard without his consent and here we see the way he is cautious in approaching him. While the soldiers had gone with the queen they are still in public and they are in the presence of Weir, so this is a pretty bold thing to do, all things considered.

What is interesting about the touch is that people seem to see different things in it, depending on how they view the characters and their relationship, their dynamic and interaction. I have seen Sheppard's look described as "suspicious," like he has suspicions of McKay's motivations to touch him, and I have seen it described as "confusion," like Sheppard does not understand why McKay touches him. What seems incontrovertible is that Sheppard has two separate reactions: one oblivious and one cognizant, one is just his body reacting before he has had time to think about anything and the other is after he realizes what had just happened. And the thing is, he certainly does not seem displeased at first, he seems to think nothing of it. It is a natural occurrence. It is only after he has time to formulate a thought that he frowns, first looking at the place where McKay had touched him and then presumably looking at McKay as he was making his way out of the room.

The upper arm is a perfectly socially acceptable place to touch a friend, even when both friends are male:

It is not where McKay touches him that confuses Sheppard because we had seen McKay touch him in the exact same spot in Coup d'État (S02E17), in the context of communicating during a mission, and again in Inferno (S02E19) for no reason at all. We have seen Sheppard touch McKay much more intimately, for example in Coup d'État and The Lost Boys (S02E10) where the intimacy did not come so much from where Sheppard touched him but from how long he maintained the contact. We had also seen Sheppard yank himself away from Beckett in The Tower (S02E15), and given that Beckett is his primary care Physician, it suggests that Sheppard is not comfortable with other people touching him, McKay is the exception. More likely than anything is that it is the touch happening right in front of Weir that causes Sheppard to frown because he is still unsure of how much he can trust her with. Only a few weeks ago he had told her that he did not pay attention to guys (Sorry!), and now he was thankful that she had enough understanding to allow him to accompany McKay on this mission by putting him on the Daedalus.

Touching Sheppard where anyone can see them, even in a socially accepted way between men through a pat on the upper arm, betrays the fact that they have been touching each other more than usually lately. McKay seems to have trouble adjusting to living the lie again, returning to the life where they are not allowed to share casual touches or to be seen touching each other. And we see the same being true of Sheppard because it seems to take him a beat to recognize that something is off. Like the touch was so natural that his brain takes a moment to catch up to the fact that they are not supposed to be doing this in public. The initial reaction from Sheppard is being pleased, of seeing the touch as perfectly natural. It is only after his brain has caught up with him that he frowns, seeming slightly confused. At first Sheppard seems to nod and mouth the word "Yeah," like he very much approves of McKay doing this but as McKay takes off he seems to scan the open space outside of the meeting room to check whether anyone had seen them. He also looks after McKay as he leaves, possibly wondering whether that had been an invitation to follow him.

Continued in Pt. 16

[aenslem]

That's probably because you've been standing here by yourself.

[helenanell]

You Don’t Get to Decide || Joel Miller

Joel x OFC - But also functions as X Fem Reader (No name or physical description)

Summary: Recklessly, I strike out on my own while patrolling with Ellie and Tommy. It all goes to hell when find out Ellie’s secret. Then…Joel Miller shoots me.

Notes: Canon-Typical violence. Violence against reader. Yes, Joel shoots her. (He has his reasons?) Suicidal ideation. Enemies to lovers. Angst!!! (Happens years before season 2, but I’ve taken some Inspo from the creeper in the supermarket in ep 1)

WC: 6.6k

This is Part Two of Shattering Still so I’d recommend reading that first, but I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in order to enjoy this.

(As with the first part, the tone / vibes of this story were inspired by ‘Lock the Gate’ by the amazing @almostfoxglove )

A year in Jackson had served as a limbo for me. I was nothing but a lazy spirit, with not even the will to cross the final threshold.

Perhaps it was because I’d missed the opportunity to end my own life when Tommy and Joel had found me in the woods. Maybe, I’d lost the chance to leave the mortal coil by my own hand and now it fell upon another.

That had to be why, without prior forethought or planning, I had slipped away while out on patrol with Ellie and Tommy. I rode off not necessarily hoping for a fight, but with a bone-deep desire for someone to find me.

There had been raider’s stalking the land beyond Jackson’s walls for the last week, so the patrol had become a hunting mission. It still was, I had simply taken up the role of willing prey; a lamb for slaughter that walked itself towards the glinting knife.

I had enabled and encouraged our quarry to put me in their crosshairs instead.

As I approached the dilapidated old supermarket, Greenplace, I saw the figure lurking in the doorway, lined in the fading light of the day. He clearly thought he had hidden himself sufficiently from view.

I had ample time to steer my horse away, to climb down or gallop forward. I did none of those things.

I really don’t know that I was cognisant of what I wanted to happen when I urged my horse to continue down the road at a steady pace. But, I was aware that there was a gun raised at me.

Through my inaction I invited it. I urged the man to pull his trigger; to put me out of my misery. And he did shoot, just not at me.

Instead of piercing my flesh, a bullet tore into the body of my horse, Pip.

After years of living through the end of the world, the engulfing entropy that smothered and deafened with human screams, I had grown accustomed to the sound of people dying. Violence was the universal language. No longer could you understand someone through their words and you certainly couldn’t trust them.

I had seen people torn into by a hailstorm of bullets, felled before they knew to flinch. That shocked, almost silent cry of being stabbed, nothing like the roared agony they used to show in movies. It was a forced expulsion of breath, life leaving as blood bloomed.

I have heard almost every sound someone could make when brutalised by another human being.

And then there was the living death. A bite that did more than rend flesh and bloody teeth. Torn skin through which cordyceps got in, the insidious thing that rendered the person a marionette, held on strings by the mindless driving hand that told the walking corpse to spread itself, to propagate the misery and add to the horde.

All of that, I had grown accustomed to. Not indifferent to or unaffected by, simply grudging, agonised acceptance of it as part of the landscape of this new reality.

But there was a noise I couldn’t grow used to, or remain stoic in the face of: there was something abominable about hearing a horse die.

The piercing whinny that had such palpable panic in it. Such a good natured, beautiful creature touched by violence, while some childlike part of myself remembered cartoons and fairytales where they were noble steeds, immune to any ill-will.

But I heard it then, that cry of terror before Pip collapsed.

He fell sideways and I just about had the wherewithal to throw myself free before I was trapped beneath his weight, legs crushed.

I slammed into the road, agony blooming like an insipid bud within me when I felt something crack. With a groan, I rolled onto my other side, scraped hands braced against the tarmac as I tried to lift myself.

Pip’s flaxen coat was marred with a crimson mark where the bullet had entered his flank. It was perfect. Precise. I knew a seasoned hunter’s aim when I saw it. He had killed my horse to bring me, his true prey, to my knees.

A fury ignited that overrode my acceptance of death. It was such needless cruelty. Why couldn’t he have just aimed for me?

The answer to that would soon become clear. This man and his friends were the type to play with their food.

The shooter had stalked closer after I had fallen. As I stared at Pip’s glassy, forever-unblinking eyes, he skulked around the horse’s corpse, a low chuckle rumbling through his chest.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous to be out here all alone?” He goaded, voice nasally.

My rifle was lost, trapped in the holster that was strapped to Pip’s side, but I still had the gun against my thigh.

The only problem was that the bastard had already clocked it and as my hand itched to reach for it, he tutted, a sharp smile on his pitched face. He had blond hair, matted and slick with grease, eyes beady like a mole’s, unaccustomed to sunlight.

It would have been so easy to just reach for the gun and let him shoot me. Wasn’t that what I had been seeking out when I had left Ellie and Tommy without a word? I had been courting death for a year and it had finally found me, but I wasn’t taking its hand. Not like this.

This fucker had killed my horse, just because he could.

So, when he came closer, stopping right before my prone form, I followed his order to unholster my gun and toss it to the side.

“How obedient.” He crouched down beside me.

I waited, letting the violence within me coil like a spring. As he leaned over me, he loosened his grip on the gun, lazy in his glee over having me seemingly at his mercy.

“You out here alone? You Jackson folk always travel in packs.”

“Do you see anyone else?” I said, making sure I injected just enough fear to be convincing.

When his lips pulled back to reveal rotten teeth and release foetid breath, I didn’t give him the chance to speak again. With his throat bared, my hand shot out, punching his windpipe.

His face turned an urgent red as he gagged, gaping at me like fish choking on air. His brow drawn in furious panic. Still crouched by my side, he fell backwards onto his ass.

Side aching from my fall, I rose to my feet as quickly as I was able, hand already unclipping the holster on my thigh. My fingers had barely brushed the grip on my gun when a name was roared out.

“Connor!!”

My eyes flicked up, finding two other men appearing out of the torn down barricade in front of the supermarket. One of them had already fired, a red gash seared into the outside of my thigh when the bullet grazed it.

I bit into my lip, a furious groan forced back into my chest as my own gun raised and I returned fire.

The bullet landed right between the man’s eyes and he dropped like a stone.

The raider next to him had barely registered his fallen ally when my barrel was pointed at him. But I had made an error born of pain and had disregarded the man who had been gasping for air at my feet.

Just as my finger squeezed the trigger, he barrelled into my already bruised side, letting out a yell as he knocked us both to the ground.

The gun skittered out of my hand as my temple cracked against the tarmac.

My attacker let out an enraged sob and then he unleashed a flurry of punches. It didn’t take long for the metallic tang of blood to fill my mouth.

As fists smashed into my face, my hand was creeping for the other holster on my opposite leg that held my knife. It wasn’t ideal as I had to grab it with my non-dominant hand. As a result, the stab I delivered to his side was lacking power and at an awkward angle. But it had the desired effect.

He made a sound like a stuck pig and ceased his flurry of blows, clutched at his side instead, knife still embedded. It wasn’t a lethal wound, but painful enough.

I was aware that the third man would be upon us at any moment, so with my failing strength, blood dripping into my eyes, I crawled backwards, out from under him and delivered a swift kick right to his face. There was a jarring crunch as his nose broke upon the sole of my boot.

“Ugh! You bitch-” He threw his hands up to his face, my little knife still in him, a needle in a pin cushion.

My own breathing ragged and my vision blurring, I scrambled on my hands and knees for my gun.

I didn't get far before I was kicked in the back, which sent me sprawling onto the road, face first. The soft skin of my chin abraded on the uneven surface.

Then, a body was on top of me, knee digging into the small of my back. A hand fisted into my hair and pulled my head up.

The unfamiliar voice of the third man, hissed wrathfully in my ear. “You killed my brother.”

The weight of him was off of me for only a second before something heavy was slammed into the back of my head and I was rendered unconscious.

My eyes opened sluggishly.

Having patrolled inside it before, I knew I had been dragged inside of the supermarket. It was so dank and dirt-riddled, that it almost looked like a burnt-out shell, as if a fire had torn through it instead of the ravages of time.

My back was up against the end of an empty aisle and a quick inspection told me that they hadn’t even bothered to tie me up.

My head throbbed and and my side was a snarled knot of agony, but not the side of my body that I had landed on when I’d jumped from Pip’s back. I guessed that the brother of the man I had killed had kicked me, a lot, while I was unconscious.

I was not unfamiliar with the feeling of broken ribs from the assault of a heavy boot slammed into my body. That pain was overwhelming, rendering the heat of the bullet graze on my thigh, insignificant.

The sun had just begun to set when I’d lost consciousness, so if the sunlight attempting to creep in through the cracks of the boarded up windows was anything to go by, night had been and gone.

“Look who’s awake.”

The dark taunt preceded the scuff of boots and then the raider who had knocked me out appeared, rifle held but not pointed directly at me.

‘You killed my brother.’

There was the crazed grief in his eyes that I myself had possessed after the death of my nephew, the grief that had borne me like a wrathful wind to those responsible, killing them all.

I felt no guilt over taking this man’s loved one.

The only innocents left in the world were children and even then, maybe only those born and raised in places like Jackson, untouched by the horrors that stopped someone from ever having a true childhood.

“Where’s your friend?” I taunted, my voice crackling through cracked lips. “Don’t tell me he died from a broken nose.”

My pained chuckle was cut off when the man slammed the butt of his rifle into my stomach.

It hurt too much for me to make any noise, as if my body knew that even the exertion of crying out might tear me open.

My eyes were watering and my breathing stalled as the raider knelt in front of me, curling his dirty hand into the hair at the nape of my neck until I was sure he wanted to ripping out strands.

“He’s keeping watch for any of your friends, so I can take my time with you.” He snarled. “My brother didn’t see it coming, but I’m not letting you die slow.”

I smiled up at him deliriously and laughed in his face.

“You find that funny?”

“You idiots should have killed me and fled the first chance you got.” I said, voice brittle. “You’ve stuck around, close to Jackson. There are only two of you and my people will come looking.”

My people. I had never said that about the inhabitants of Jackson before. Never even thought it. It had to be the pain. Yes, it was easier to put it down to the pain.

My smile widened when I thought about it. Never mind a whole search party from Jackson, Tommy could take out these two without breaking a sweat.

As the raider breathed heavily above me, worked up, spit coming out of his mouth like a goaded bull, my eye caught on something up above.

As the result of damp and dereliction, part of the ceiling in the middle of the supermarket had caved in, giving a glimpse up into the floor above.

Dropping down from it, morbidly elegant like a decaying acrobat, was an infected. I had never seen one move like that, let alone climb. And it was barely making any noise.

“What the fuck?” I murmured to myself, forgetting the promise of death in the form of the raider that still had me in his grip.

“You think I’m going to fall for that?” He scoffed. “You’ve got my full attention, sweetheart.”

But when the infected landed onto the top of some metal shelves, with a thump and a sinister screech, the raider let go of me and whipped around, gun raised.

He fired too late. The creature had already vanished into the shadows.

With his back still to me, he scanned the room with his weapon raised. Then he called out for his friend, far too loudly. “Connor!”

No answer came. Connor did not appear.

That could have been bad for both of us, or good for me. More infected outside, who had gotten to the man. Or, people from Jackson had found me.

There was the skittering like rats claws off to the left and with a terrified gasp, the raider whipped around, the torch attached to his weapon a bright slash against the dark.

My body protested, but I pushed myself onto unsteady feet, casting my eye around for wherever he’d put my weapons. They were not in sight.

“Where the fuck is my gun?”

My hissed question fell on deaf ears when a disquieting gagging, almost like a death rattle, disrupted the air.

The man made a decision to kill me and then cut and run. He spun around, prepared to shoot, but didn’t get the chance before there was a blur of ripped clothes and fungal flesh and the infected slammed into his side.

He screamed like a little boy. Perhaps beneath the dirt and grief and weight of the world, he was that young and I just hadn’t noticed.

What I did notice, however, was that he’d dropped his rifle. It was still by his side, too close to where the infected sat on his chest, tearing into his throat. I wasted no time and lunged for it anyway.

The moment snatched up the weapon, the infected detached itself from him. I prepared for it to jump at me next, but it didn’t.

Faster than it should have been able to, it scuttled backwards and was absorbed into the shadows once more.

I blinked at the empty space, heart rioting in my battered chest. What the fuck was it? It hid itself so it could stalk us.

It was a terrifying degree of sentience for what was meant to be a mindless, animated-corpse.

When the raider groaned from the ground, I wasted no time before I turned his own rifle on him and shot him in the head.

Without missing a beat, I began to turn slowly on the spot, eyes casting over the swath of darkness, unfurled like spools of pitch-black fabric all around me. I was swaying on the spot, head pulsing as if my skull was shrinking, so much pain riddling me I could no longer identify places where there was none.

Maybe seconds, or minutes has passed as I turned in place, searching, when the wooden barricade at the front of the supermarket was dragged open, light spilling into the gloom.

I raised my gun, but soon let out an aggravated groan when Ellie appeared. She called out my name, eyes widened at my state, then flicked to the guy on the floor.

“Holy shit! We found you! Are you okay-”

“Ellie, get out. Now!” I hissed, moving slowly forward, my eyes back to darting around.

She immediately became more alert, her own weapon raised. “Shit, are there more raiders–”

My eyes widened in horror as the infected appeared, crawling on top of the aisle closest to Ellie. My bullet flew, but not in time. It had already leapt down, slamming right into the girl's chest. She screamed as she was knocked to the ground.

No, no, no. Ellie was just a kid. She had fought Joel and Tommy until she was blue in the face to let her on her first patrol and because of me, she might die.

Another child I failed to protected lost. His kid.

I didn’t have a clear shot that didn’t risk killing Ellie too. I couldn’t help quickly enough to save her.

Ellie had drawn her knife from her thigh, stabbing the infected in the head, but it was too late. It had already bitten through her shirt, right into her stomach.

“Shit.” Ellie said through clenched teeth, pushing the body away and scrambling to her feet. There was no panic in her voice, just irritation. Perhaps it was denial.

To my own shock, I felt tears prick at my eyes when she lifted her shirt to reveal the bite mark just above her hip bone. When I raised my gun and stepped closer, Ellie seemed to remember I was there.

She looked up at me, hands outheld. “Hey! No- no! I’m not infected!”

“You’re- fuck, Ellie!” I said shakily. “You are. You’re bit.”

As I looked at her, the image of Joel came to me, his face flashing in my eyes like a solar flare.

Fuck. Joel, who I hadn’t uttered more than a few words to since we’d slept together almost a year ago. Joel, who would kill me for doing this, no matter if Ellie was infected or not.

I could give no reason that would appease his vengeful wrath. My life would be forfeit. An eye for an eye. A life for a life.

A sadistic part of me wanted it to be him. He owed me for stopping me from shooting myself in that clearing. That had been Tommy too, but I couldn’t expect it of him. Tommy wanted to save people. Joel only saved his people and I certainly wasn’t one of those.

Ellie backed away as I moved forward and it led to an odd, panicked dance, where we circled each other. My back ended up facing the door, the dead infected only a few steps to my left.

I knew what I had to do, but my finger hadn’t even found the trigger yet.

Despite what we both knew, Ellie still tried to convince me. “No, I’m not! Shit- you’ve gotta listen to me-“

“I’m-“ I was about to say I’m sorry, but it got caught in my throat, snagged on my own denial. I had never hesitated before. “I don’t want to, Ellie. I really don’t.

Ellie threw her words into the empty air.

“I’m immune-“ She cut herself off, her eyes widened again in a different kind of panic when she spotted something over my shoulder.

There was something, or someone behind me. But I was sluggish from concussion and pain and didn't react.

Ellie screamed out. “Joel, no!—“

Pain ripped through my shoulder. I made a wounded, animal-like noise as my stolen rifle clattered to the ground. My knees buckled.

I was on the floor, fading, looking up at the moldy ceiling.

Ellie kneeled beside me, pressing her hand to my shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Joel?!”

If there was an answer, I was too out of it to hear.

The next thing I knew, Joel was standing over me, that wrathful, ruinous god I had imagined appearing if I had hurt Ellie. He was a blurred-edged vision, almost ethereal to my slow-blinking eyes. He was pointing the barrel of his gun at me. It hovered over my forehead, a taunting, almost-touch. A brush with death. The kiss of death.

Ellie snarled and smacked it away. “You’re not killing her. She’s one of us.”

“You told her.” He said with ragged, hushed rage.

“I wanted to!”

“No, you didn’t. She had a gun on you.”

“She thought I was infected! I told her I’m immune because I trust her to believe me.”

Joel hissed at that word again. Immune. “You don’t trust her. You don’t know her.”

“You don’t want her dead either, asshole! If you did, you would have shot her in the head. Now help me with her!”

At Ellie’s angry entreaty, he knelt down on my other side, across from her.

Their voices had begun to sound far off to me, as though they were in another room and I was hearing them through a wall.

“She wanted this to happen.” Joel grumbled. “Idiot distracted you and Tommy so she could look for toruble.”

He grabbed the end of my shirt and ripped a piece off, wadding it up and then pressing against my shoulder. I groaned out as he staunched the wound with force.

“So you shot her because you’re mad that she tried to get herself killed? Dude, you’re so fucked up.”

“I shot her, because she had a-“

“-Had a gun on me, I know! But that’s horseshit.”

My eyes drifted closed. Then another voice reached me through my pained fuge. Tommy, urgent and unyielding, maybe giving an order.

I was unconscious again before I could decide if I had imagined it or not.

I woke up in the house that still wasn’t a home.

I had stopped sleeping on the floor after the first month, but it hadn’t made me feel anymore acclimated to the space that felt too gaping and empty, haunted by the ghost of what could have been.

I still imagined what my nephew’s existence within it would have been like, if only I had protected him.

I opened my eyes and my head was perfectly angled so that I was looking directly at Joel Miller. He was sitting in a chair planted in the open doorway, his eyes on his scuffed boots, hands clasped in his lap.

I knew immediately that he wasn't there to watch over me as some guilt-ridden protector, no anxiety over my fever or the state of my wounds. He was a guard dog. Ellie’s guard dog, watching me and gnashing his teeth. Because I knew. Because I had heard and remembered what she’d said before his bullet tore through my shoulder.

I’m immune-

It wasn’t possible and yet I didn’t doubt it. I couldn’t doubt it, because of what Joel had done to me in the wake of the revelation.

“I won’t say a word about her.” I rasped.

Joel shot up out of the chair and stormed over, stopping right next to the bed, looming above me just as he had been when I had been bleeding out on the ground. But this time he wasn’t blurred, he was all hard lines and furious eyes, an immovable object propelled by an unstoppable force.

“No.” He ground out. “You won’t.”

“Or what? You’ll shoot me? Oh, wait…” I taunted despite my weakness.

His eyes flicked to my shoulder then. A slow drag, a reluctant gaze. He looked at my shoulder as if the wound was exposed to the open air rather than hidden beneath a t-shirt and a comforter.

Panic flared with a realisation. “Who dressed me?” I asked, feeling violated.

No one had been allowed to do such a thing in a long time. I hadn’t allowed that intimacy for myself, to be touched with care or concern for years.

Yes, Joel and I had fucked, but that had been…an admittance of helplessness, two lost people trying to assert their will over someone they had found standing on the same ground.

At least, that is what I had told myself since. What I had made myself believe.

Joel huffed. “I shot you and you’re mad about someone changing’ your damn clothes?”

There it was again, that inexplicable fury he had with my disregard for my own life. He seemed to find it offensive and didn’t see fit to explain why. Not that he’d had the chance. This was already the most directly we had spoken with one another in a year.

“I’m not mad.” I began to push myself up, wincing at the pain in my shoulder.

I don’t know why I wanted to get out of bed, only that having him looking down at me like that made me want to flee.

Joel watched as I threw back the comforter with my good arm and swung my legs over the side of the bed. He observed me as if I was some alien thing.

Only when my feet touched the floor did he blink himself into awareness.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m standing up, Joel.”

“You just opened your eyes and you’ve been out of it for two days, don’t be so goddamn stupid.”

“You shot me in the shoulder, not the leg. I can walk just fine.”

Joel stepped back, his jaw clenched and crossed his arms over his chest. He raised a brow as if in challenge.

“Go on then.” He ground out. “Walk just fine.”

I glowered at him as I pushed myself up onto my feet. Pain tore up my side and with a hiss I fell right back down onto the bed. My ribs burned as if I'd pressed them to hot coals.

“What the fu-” Already forgetting I had company, or just not caring for said company, I lifted up the shirt to reveal my bare torso.

The left hand side of my ribcage was black and blue, a malignant mass of darkness. There were boot-print shaped bruises that were just about discernible.

“Two broken ribs on that side.” Joel said darkly. “One fractured on the other.”

I stared down at the skin that no longer looked like skin, just rotten like an old fruit. It was only then that I heard how laboured my own breathing was.

The scraping of wood tore my gaze away from my side. I dropped the hem of the shirt, letting it fall as I looked up to find Joel dragging the chair along the floorboards, away from the door and positioning it right across from where I was seated on the edge of the bed.

He dropped down into it and stared me down, as if preparing for an interrogation.

“Satisfied?” He sneered, nodding down at my battered body.

My hackles raised in the face of his bared teeth, his sharp-pointed judgement.

“No, I would have preferred my bruise to be a nicer shade of blue.” I snarked.

The wooden chair creaked as he leant forward, arms resting on his knees. “You ditched Tommy and Ellie wanting to get yourself hurt. You’ve been doin’ it on every patrol-”

“I’ve never patrolled with you, so how would you know that?”

“People talk.”

I scoffed. “People don’t talk to you. You practically wear a do not disturb sign around your neck.”

“Oh, because you’re so approachable.” Joel mocked, oddly petulant. “You ain’t got no friends and you never show your face at the parties.”

Dismissing his accurate, but frankly hypocritical words, I didn’t let him abandon the previous topic. “How do you know I want to get hurt on patrol?”

“I read the reports.”

“Are you meant to do that?”

“Are you meant to abandon your patrol partners for the sake of your death wish?” He hissed back.

“I didn’t plan it.”

“Don’t feed me that shit! You’ve been wantin’ this since the day I met you.”

“Wanting it and planning it are two different things.” I shrugged, realising too late my error. I winced, gritting my teeth against the strain I'd just put my bullet wound under.

Joel’s eyes narrowed. “You’re so fuckin’ selfish.” He uttered darkly.

“What?”

“I know you've got walls up, so you don’t let yourself give a shit about anybody, but Tommy…he cares about every god damn person here and Ellie likes you. If you’d been killed and they found your bo- found you? You would have put that on their conscience. That they didn’t look out for you on patrol. That they didn’t watch you close enough to save you.”

“I feel like I have made it pretty fucking clear that I don’t want to be saved.”

“You wanna die, but won’t do it yourself? You’ll stay long enough to subject people to the loss of you? That it?” He ranted.

“No one’s losing me, Joel. It’s like you said, I haven’t let myself mean anything to anybody.”

Having no attachments was by my own design. That way I was always unmoored, able to drift away whenever it suited.

“No. I said you don’t let yourself give a shit, but people here are good people. They care about what happens to you, whether you deserve it or not!”

“I don’t.” I sounded almost desperate. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t get to decide.” Joel stood abruptly from his chair. “Get back in bed. Maria’s been comin’ over every few hours to check on you, if she finds you walking around it’ll be both our heads.”

He turned his back on me and returned the chair to its previous position by the doorway.

I didn’t lie back down. Instead, I forced myself to my feet, clutching my ruined ribs as I began moving forward.

A debilitating wave of pain smashed into me and made the room spin. The wound on the back of my head began to throb and my vision blurred.

I made it two steps before Joel whipped around. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Death wish, remember?” I hissed as I tried to stagger in the direction of the rest room.

The moment I realised I might be about to fall again, Joel’s hand was on my arm, stabilising me. His palm engulfed my elbow, as the other landed on my back.

I stopped. While I wanted to tear myself away, my traitorous, weakened body had me swaying into his side. Then I was leaning on him, my head practically falling back against his shoulder.

“You’re o’ for two on the suicide attempts, time for your stubborn ass to throw in the towel.”

He spoke with the kind of softness that I could only associate with fear. Which didn’t make sense, because fear and Joel Miller were incompatible in my mind and definitely didn’t exist in any relation to me. I had to be more out of it than I’d thought.

We still hadn’t moved, him holding me up in the centre of the room, his chin brushing the side of my head.

“It’s your fault.” I grumbled.

He sighed quietly. “Oh, yeah? How’s that?”

He began guiding me back to the bed, but I didn’t have the faculties to process the movement.

“You’ve ruined it, both times.” I whispered. “In the clearing, where you and Tommy found me, you made me drop the gun-”

“Because I didn’t want you shootin’ at us.”

“That’s not why you made me drop it.” I said.

We reached the bed and he lowered me down onto it, one steady arm still on my back. Even when I was sitting down, he didn’t remove the touch. He just knelt down in front of me on his aching knees.

“No.” He answered quietly. “It ain’t.”

“And back in the supermarket…you could have shot me dead for pointing my gun at Ellie. For what she told me. You wanted to- knew that you should. But you put a bullet in my shoulder instead.”

Joel had no answer for that, not that I’d expected him to. But then, just as I thought we’d entered another silent stalemate that would last a year, he spoke, his eyes set on my covered wound.

“You ain’t dyin’, so give up on it now.”

I gave him a wry smile. “We’re all dying, Joel. Second by second.”

He huffed and shook his head. “Shut up.”

“Why didn’t you kill me?” I asked. “It’s what I would have done.”

I knew that had my nephew possessed such a monumental secret, such a dangerous, impossible secret, I would have razed countless settlements to the ground to protect him from those that might have used and abused him because of it.

It would not have been right, or in the interest of humankind, but what would you care for the pitiable vestiges of humanity if the one person you loved unconditionally was taken from you? A child you had to protect.

“I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t?” I prodded cautiously.

Joel let out a long, unsteady breath. “I’ve shot and missed before. I flinched again, with you.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Why didn’t you kill me, Joel?

“Drop it, will you?” He sounded frustrated, as if I’d forced the words out of him, like pulling teeth.

Then, just as he forced himself to lift his eyes to meet mine, something unavoidable and inevitable in his dark gaze, the front door opened downstairs.

“Joel?” Maria called out, concern evident in her voice as footsteps travelled up the stairs.

“She’s alright.” Joel called back tentatively, his hand shifted on my back.

Heavy boots approached on the landing, and as if he knew how many steps it took to reach the bedroom, Joel stood up and moved away from me seconds before Maria appeared in the doorway. She let out a sigh of relief.

“You’re awake!” She beamed. She rushed in, firm yet gentle in guiding me back to bed.

Joel ducked out of the bedroom, but as he chose not to say a word, I didn’t either.

The next day, I was able to get up and move about. There was a great amount of pain, but I could keep myself upright.

I didn’t expect Joel to return.

He didn’t knock, or announce himself, I just came down the stairs in the morning, hand braced on the bannister and found him ripping up the rotten floorboards by the front door. His aquiline nose was scrunched up as if in annoyance as he tore the crumbling wood free, as though it had personally aggrieved him.

I descended slowly and stopped on the bottom step to watch him bemusedly. He hadn’t acknowledged me, but I was under no illusion that he hadn’t noted my presence.

Chest tight at the sight of him, conflicted by the unearned intimacy that the intrusion implied, with the confusion of why he’d want to do it.

“Did Maria ask you to do this?” It was weak, clutching at straws. I knew the answer before he opened his mouth.

“No.” He grunted, eyes still set on his task.

“Well, I didn’t ask you to.”

“Didn’t say that you did.” He answered flatly. “Needed doin’.”

I descended the last step, my sock-clad feet bringing me on a level with him. “If I ask you to leave, will you?”

“No.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” I huffed. “Impose manual labour on yourself, see if I care.”

I turned and padded into the kitchen as quickly as my injured body would allow. I pulled up short when I spotted the full coffee pot on the counter.

“Made coffee.”

I turned slowly to find Joel leaning against the doorframe, his broad shoulders blocking the view into the hall.

I blinked at him. “I can see that.”

He huffed, a spark of humour in his dark eyes. “What? I don’t get a thank you?”

“Oh, does big, scary Joel Miller feel bad for shooting a poor, defenceless woman?”

“You ain’t ever defenceless, and you were armed.”

Some of the familiar darkness shadowed his features at his remembrance of my rifle pointed at Ellie.

“Still, you shot me from behind. Cowardly.” I tutted, turning back around and heading for the counter.

I heard him follow me, heavy footsteps on hardwood, but tried my best to ignore him.

When I stopped before the coffee pot, I went to reach up for a mug in the upper cupboard. I had forgotten my injury again, so would have agitated my bullet wound had Joel not hurried up behind me.

“Hey,” He said, hand landing on my arm as his presence fit into the space at my back. “I already got one down.”

I did not look at him, just cast my eye to the side. And sure enough, situated next to the pot was a clean mug. I looked at it for longer than I needed to and clearly it unnerved him.

“You alright?” He asked, his hand lightly squeezing my arm.

The pads of his calloused fingers pressed ever so slightly into my skin, but I didn’t mind the sensation. Which was why I shrugged him off.

“Fine.” I said flatly, reaching for the pot to pour the dark liquid into the mug, waiting desperately for Joel to move away and to go back to inexplicably fixing my floorboards.

When he spoke, a hardness had returned to his voice, but it wasn’t sharp-edged anger.

“I talked to Tommy,” he announced, “when you’re healed, you’re patrollin’ with me.”

I spun around, glowering at him. “You had no right to do that.”

Joel just began to back away, his gaze taking on a new intensity. Instead of addressing his massive overstep and the brazen, controlling nature of it, he doubled down.

“You ain’t gonna pull the same shit with me that you’ve done with all the others.” He warned. “I’m not so easy to shake off.”

With that, he turned around and disappeared back out into the hall. Soon, the sounds of him getting back to work, ripping up wood, reached me in the kitchen.

I stood, back pressed against the countertop and told myself to go into the hall and tear into him for inserting himself into my life.

But I didn’t. I just rooted to the spot and listened to him fixing my floorboards, the ceramic heated by the coffee he had brewed warming my scratched-up hands.

Part III - Relinquishing (on Ao3)

[daman19942]

TSR CC Recommendations: TS2 Lot Builders

Nobody asked for this but I have a little time on my hands and I said I might do it, so here is a list of some TSR lot builders who I recommend checking out. A few notes under the cut before we get started (all details under the cut, as well, in case you aren't interested in my preamble):

This is not meant to be paid promotion for TSR. I believe TSR asking users to pay for their CC is ridiculous, especially for a 19 year old game they haven't supported in 7 years. But I spent many years uploading there during the peak-TS2 / pre-TS3 era and know there is great CC in their archives that newer players may not know about. And unlike TheSims2.com, which has sadly shuffled off this mortal coil, TSR's content is still available to freely download (assuming you can stomach the pop-ups and wait times)

This post will only be about lot builders because that was what I was primarily uploading and downloading in this era. I was friendly with some of the creators I am about to list, but none of them are still active members of the TS2 community.

The preview pics might be a little rough and the architecture styles will likely feel very dated compared to the most popular styles these days, which are more colorful, cluttered, and use 3t2 and 4t2 conversions. Re: the previews: too many of us were using free trials of PaintShopPro back then, and TSR limited us to 2 previews, so we did our best. Re: the styles: unlike pre-2010's CAS CC, which was full of hand painted and "realistic" textures (LOL), these are the same objects you can find in the game today, just being used in different ways! Sometimes for the first time! And, yes, while some of these creators used CC, it was mostly Homecrafter walls and floors, as you'll see below.

This was also the hey-day of CFE lot building, which has certainly fallen out of favor to more traditional builds (in part because graphics cards have improved and these types of builds don't look as good in 2024, and also because the great CFE experimenters, builders, and tutorial writers are no longer part of the community and their original discoveries are gone as well - I am happy to go down a massive rabbit hole on this piece of TS2 history if anyone else cares, but trust me, you don't have to care).

Alright that is enough caveating, here are some recs! (Links are in the creator's names and they take you to their Lots, though many of them have other creations, too).

Lord Tiko Speaking of great CFE builders! Lord Tiko built spaceships, boats, pagodas, domes, windmills and bridges, oh so many bridges before retiring mid-TS2 because of health issues. He was one of the first builders to take Daihtnaoz7's single and double bridge tutorials and apply them to really big lots. I'm still not sure how he built the Venice Rialto Bridge, or his other European water lots. Overall, a massive inspiration to me when I was prioritizing CFE builds.

Hatshepsut My favorite "traditional" home builder, and someone I considered a friend. She specialized in English and American builds, and I had many of Hat's houses in my old saves and was impressed by her range and decorating style which was (for the time) more varied than many of her peers. Knew how to take great preview pics of her houses, too.

Tigerblue Another builder I corresponded with, Tigerblue was probably the least prolific uploader on this list for sheer number of uploads, but she also crossed a range of styles. Her builds leaned way into specific styles (see the previews, these were all part of consistent sets of 3,4, or even 10 lots), but this was also what happened when a new EP dropped and everyone raced to uploaded builds using as many of the new objects and styles as possible. Tigerblue just happened to be better at it than most of us.

Cyclonesue Do current TS2 players know Cyclonesue? Because it's hard to think of someone who had a bigger impact on building and decorating of the era, first with her English and Tudor builds and later with her extremely distinct grunge creations. Seriously, check out her Urban Renewal series and the corresponding objects. Iconic stuff that surely now feels frozen in time. I probably only played 20% of her lots that I downloaded, but they still make for great hood decor. Like Tiko, someone who happily experimented with CFE.

Illiana The creator who inspired me to make this list is, ironically, the one on it who I know the least about (she is a Featured Artist but not in the Hall of Fame, whatever that means). I just started playing her Tri-Annyas fraternity house and have a few other lots floating around my game. She built in a range of styles, from classical to modern to Twikki Island to grunge. Revisiting some of them in-game, the TSR previews do not do them justice.

*EXHALES* If you made it to this point, kudos to you. I'm sure there are creators I've forgotten, and houses I haven't linked to, but this is a good starting point for digging into some of the eclectic builds the TSR(chives) have to offer (I just coined that, is it clever? It is not). Maybe I'll do a Part 2 if people like this.

If you have any favorites of your own, let me know what I missed! And as I do with my old Exchange re-uploads, I am tagging @sims2packrat and @oldasscustomcontent for general TS2 history awareness!

[thegeminisage]

star trek update time! last night we did voy's "the mortal coil" and ds9's "the magnificent ferengi."

the mortal coil (voy):

i don't want to talk about it.

the magnificent ferengi (ds9):

i feared for my life reading the summary but this was actually pretty good

first of all, my new best friend quark. EYE loved his story at the beginning. secondly, my other friend nog and my king rom. and finally, the return of that little twink freak from s6's opening. mwah

this one was like...weirdly funny. it's easier to give some of the iffy jokes a pass or even a laugh when you don't hate everyone involved. it also helps a lot that the grand nagus couldn't make it for this episode because he is DEEPLY annoying and horrible to deal with

that spock's brain shit nog did to the vorta was really really really really horrible and funny. some say he's still bumping into the wall to this day.......

AND LET'S NOT FORGET IGGY POP. my favorite fun fact about this episode is that they wanted to have iggy pop on for the bell riots eps and they couldn't because he was busy. but he was available this time because he was recovering from an injury he got in a mosh pit. so true

it was kind of fun and badass that despite their general bumbling they did manage to bag a new prisoner of war. good for them

also, at the end when romwas like how doe sit feel to be a hero and quark said you tell me 🥺🥺🥺 my best friend quark....................

TONIGHT: voy's "waking moments" and ds9's "waltz."

[crmsndragonwngss]

What would you say are your top five "must check out" bands you'd recommend to people? (bonus points for intro album suggestions)

Oh this is easy! Here’s my top five six

Erra - Drift

Novelists - Noir

Crystal Lake - Helix

Lorna Shore - Pain Remains

Veil of Maya - False Idol

Spiritbox - Eternal Blue

And because I can’t help myself, here’s the rest of my top ten eleven!

Polaris - The Mortal Coil

Tesseract - Altered State

The Amity Affliction - Let The Ocean Take Me

Periphery - Hail Stan

Crooked Royals - Quarter Life Dream

And a bonus plus one two!

Blueshift - Voyager

Valis Ablaze - Render

Lots of the bands here tho only have one full album, so definitely check out their EPs and singles too

As for Erra, it’s probably pretty obvious that I love everything they’ve ever done, but Drift was on an entirely different level, and it’s always the starting point I give anyone who wants to get into their music. My first Erra song was Dreamcatcher, and it’s still one of my favorites by far, but Drift is a tremendous album and is a fantastic first time listen

The same goes for Novelists, their entire discog is fantastic, but my personal favorite album is Noir and I think that’s the perfect jumping off point for their music

The only band in this list whom I don’t recommend their entire discog is Lorna Shore. imo stick to Pain Remains and And I Return to Nothingness (the ep)

But really, I could continue forever, so if you want a playlist that has all my favorite stuff on there, you can check out my massive metalcore playlist

Now this is all specifically for core/djent because that’s my scene. If you want a top five for other genres, I can do that too, just give me a genre and I’ll give you some recs!

[rijl]

The "Song to the Siren by Tim Buckley is the most perfectly Our Flag Means Death song" thoughts are back with a vengeance after watching the first three eps of season 2!!

The lovelorn nautical content?? The 80s vibe (similar to The Chain and This Woman's Work) of the popular cover by This Mortal Coil??

"Did I dream you dreamed about me?"???

"Now my foolish boat is leaning / Broken lovelorn on your rocks"??

"Should I stand amid the breakers? / Or should I lie with death, my bride?" ?????????

P.S. for a little lol you can sing it "Jeff, my bride"

[johnmalevolent]

monthly scheduled insanity (malevolent lb under the cut)

HI JOHN

:(

yeah :(

:(

HI JOHN

HI JOHNNNNNNNNN

:((((((((

then who :(

not the intention but the effect :(

anjg vendor shopee lg live

ywd lah nnt aja CO nya

yeah babe dont give up youre the protag haha..

ARTHUR?

oh wait.

will it be the dark world arc we didnt predict

wait i almost forgot about the title. the deal

what's the deal .

ARTHU

who

the butcher cant have killed daniel that quick

WHOSE?

SCRATCH???

WHAT

D:

NO!!!

not if you help, right scratch

im sorry im kinda distracted over arthur begging. ahem.

NO.........

NO............................

ok now why'd he say enjoy. now i dont feel as alarmed for arthur

oh ok so not arthur

FUCKKKKKKKK WAIT

this eps might not tell us about john's deal but damn

it wasnt a choice john wanted to make either

i dont like that the butcher's theme is playing

FUCK ARTHUR

nyebrang noleh dulu

well john. speaking that frome experience?

arthur to you is that important and kayne used that to manipulate you?

arthur you're whispering rly loudly

😭 gdi daniel

HUH

no

oh

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

oh fuck

no.

HESYRUNNI GET

runingn

oh

oscar .

JOHN YOU FORGET

HEY???

OH MY GOD

OH MY GODDDDDDDDD

JOHN.

FUCK

TWO THINGS AT A TIME

THATS TOO MUCH

HELLO

BCS JOHN FORGOT DANIEL'S FACE????????

HUH

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

if john ends up forgetting colin's face too..

oscar 🥺

what

what

what

what

what

what

what

JOHN. i dont trust you rn.

john :(

ack

aaack

ack ack ack

haha surprise it's parker yang <3

JOHN :(

he's colins. isnt he

oh

ohhhh ok

oh

i forgot arthur is still a fugitive

are you sure this is the right decision orthr..

THIS IS ALL GOING TO SMOOTHLY.

im worried

this isnt the go smoothly podcast

yeah. thats what i thought

yeah he's in the ward

thats what i thought.

fuck

fuck fuck fuck.

the thing is what if he's wrong

sure sure similarity and all but what if reverse psychology

like let's just say the butcher has watched that one gintama episode before and thought of another idea arthur couldn't predict

oh

he's there

NO

ooooh hit a nerve

lmao colins got assigned the worst guy to kill

arthur voice im not like other girls i dont die when im killed

love john peer reviewing arthur's insults

OH FUCK THE DADDY ISSUE

GOOD DOG

is that what made him fail

NOEL HURRY THE FUCK Up

huh

was it seven

NOEEEEEL

alhamdulillah

yay noel

i hear ppl clapping 😭

SON

HIS SON

daniel :(

HE SAID IT

john :(

private eye!! he said the thing!!!

"darlin" reminds me of kayne ☺️

might be a chance john forgets ab kayne's face ☺️

shuffled of this MORTAL COIL?

huh.

huh.

huh.

reminds me a lot of.

huh.

KNOW?

parker yang?

PARKER YANG?

IM GONNA FUCKING KMS

PARKER YANG???

ohhhhh

parker is just the mutual friend

i mean yeah ofc i knew that haha lol

good episode. love that ending

[dr-futbol-blog]

Inferno, Pt. 15

We left Sheppard listening to the eerie sound of static in his ear and seeming to succumb to fear but when we catch up with him, he has picked himself up, grabbed a flashlight somewhere -- it is possible he was carrying one on his tac vest -- and is now leading the people he had happened across into what he hopes is going to be safety. He is trying to make his way back to the Ancient warship he had left to go find Teyla and Ronon, not knowing what has become of the two of them, and even more importantly, not knowing what had befallen McKay when he had lost contact with him after the last big quake. Sheppard has taken the people to some kind of a hallway that seems to be on the surface level since we can see a bunch of windows showing daylight outside, the heavy smoke making the day seem like dusk turning into night, matching Sheppard's current mental state.

Sheppard: Starting to smell sulphur dioxide here. Stay close, stay calm, try not to take too many deep breaths.

Like McKay, it seems that Sheppard is swallowing some of his words in his agitation, even though he is trying to stay calm and collected for the benefit of these people who are already afraid without needing to see him fall apart in front of them. He is trying to keep it together and is trying to find some way back, without having any actual clue where he is supposed to head because it was McKay who was meant to find him some way back. We may also recall that Sheppard has a notoriously bad sense of direction when he is on the ground, as seen in Childhood's End (S01E06) and Underground (S01E08). This is to say that the odds are stacked up against him ever finding his way back, and because he has no direction, has no inkling of where to go, it has to be that he is allowing his intuition to lead the way. While he likely does not know it, he must be using his mental tether to McKay to draw him toward the other man -- or otherwise they reach their destination purely by happenstance.

But as it is, he is trying to create a sense of calm for the people, to make them feel safe in a way that he is not feeling himself. He is actually also trying to calm these people down in the way that he often finds calm himself, in McKay explaining things to him. He now explains to these people that the thing they are smelling that smells like burnt matches is sulphur dioxide, and he advises people to take shallow breaths to minimize their exposure. This is to say that he seems to be doing the thing we have seen him do before, explicitly in The Eye (S01E11), where he uses his internalized model of McKay to guide him through a difficult situation, he is letting the question "What Would McKay Do?" guide the way. He is telling these people what he wishes McKay was around to tell him. Stay close, stay calm.

Norina: Colonel Sheppard, are you there? Colonel Sheppard, please come in. Beckett: Any luck? Norina: Not yet. McKay: There's too much interference. Look, the atmosphere is heavily charged with electromagnetic energy. This baby's ready to blow.

It turns out that things are not as bad as Sheppard fears, as the Ancient warship had not been destroyed with the quake in molten lava falling down on it from the hangar doors above, and they had simply lost contact with Sheppard due to what McKay has diagnosed as too much interference. We find Beckett joining McKay and Norina on the bridge of the warship, where McKay is ostensibly still working on getting the shields operational and where we find Norina talking into a radio, trying to hail Sheppard.

It seems from the frustration in her voice that she has been at this for a while, and we may be fairly certain that she is doing this out of McKay's request because he had been about to give her a task, before they had lost contact, of helping Sheppard. It is also likely she would not be able to work the radio anyway unless he had shown her how, as the natives of this galaxy do not seem to use these kinds of communication devices, and even in societies that have the capacity to communicate over distance they do not seem to quite get how the Earth radios work, as seen in Coup d'État (S01E17). So, McKay had both told Norina what to do and instructed her on how to do it, and it seems like at least half of McKay's attention was on listening to her anyway, on waiting for an answer from Sheppard. He may have been trying to focus on the work, the work being the thing that keeps him from dissociating, but his whole body is a raw nerve waiting to hear from Sheppard because he cannot rest until he knows what has happened to him.

As mentioned, we get several scenes of different characters trying and failing to contact other characters. Here, we see Norina try to get a hold of Sheppard and being unable to reach him, fearing that something might have happened to him. And while she sounds agitated, she simply does not know Sheppard well enough to feel anything like what we had just seen Sheppard feel when he had lost contact with McKay, the despair proportional to the love that he feels. And while we do not see McKay try to hail Sheppard here, that is essentially what he is doing by proxy, and when we compare McKay's reaction with the others, we have to recognize that his genuine reactions are very understated, that when he is truly hurt or afraid he becomes subdued. And so he is here, we can hear the true depth of his desperation in the minute cracking of his voice when he says the word "energy," and unless you recognize what McKay is like, you might never catch it. It is by design -- he does not want people to know when he is hurting. Hiding his hurt is a self-defense mechanism borne out of his childhood.

Let us also note that this is the second time McKay is referring to the volcano as "this baby" in the episode. Earlier, he had snapped at Sheppard for his preference to deal with everything using military solutions and had topped it off with "Look, when this baby goes, the whole thing goes." What this tells us, beyond him having used the word "Look" both times, again showing us his use of the word in intense contexts that have created this Pavlovian response in Sheppard for hearing the word, is that he is also thinking about what he had said to Sheppard earlier, and he is clearly regretting it. Using the phrase "this baby" also connects the episode directly to The Defiant One (S01E12), when McKay had made the claim of it being "perfectly appropriate space pilot parlance," and Sheppard himself had picked up his use of calling the jumper baby, telling him to fly the baby in a straight line.

We have seen Sheppard adopt both verbal phrases and physical gestures from McKay, which is something that people who are in love frequently do, and so his earlier reference to the "military solution" had betrayed both his tendency to mimic McKay in an attempt at getting closer to him and that it had still been bothering him. Sheppard had remembered what McKay had said, and he had betrayed his hurt over it by mentioning it again, by telling McKay that now was the time for a military solution. And McKay himself betrays that he is feeling awful about having said it, by how his tone in referring to "this baby" now is contrite, and we can hear the regret in it. Obviously he had not meant it even when he had originally said it because it had resulted from his frustration, from the heat of the moment, and had been both unfair toward Sheppard and completely unnecessary to say. But he had said it, and had ample time now to think about how it might have been one of the last things he ever got to say to Sheppard. That, and "Not now, please!" He truly deserved everything Sheppard had been piling on him all day, he was the world's lousiest lover.

Also, note the way he makes a "No, no" gesture with his hand toward Norina and throws his shoulder forward between them, essentially blocking her off. He may be willing to invite his best friend to see some of his fear and anxiety but not this stranger.

Beckett: The Taranan people are all on board except for the last group that Colonel Sheppard was escorting. McKay: Teyla and Ronon? Beckett: We've lost contact with them as well. McKay: Alright.

While McKay is worried for Sheppard, and Beckett's mention of him is just another reminder of the fact that they do not know what had befallen him when he had been "running around looking for people," McKay seems to immediately get the implication of what Beckett is saying. If all of the Taranans are in, bar the last group that was with Sheppard, then it must be impossible for Sheppard to get back to them, and it further means that Teyla and Ronon had also been unable to return. The last that any of them knew, they were outside helping the locals get into the tunnels and while no one wants to say it out loud, they fear it means that they have perished. But it is important to note that McKay does ask about them because while Sheppard is his priority, he does care about his whole team. He looks terrified asking about them, afraid to hear the answer.

And although McKay takes off rather brusquely, almost dismissively, as Beckett tells him that they had lost contact, it is actually him now dissociating, the news too painful to hear on top of everything. McKay takes himself immediately back to the work because the work is the only thing helping him keep it together. In This Mortal Coil, (S04E10) they finally textualize this tendency of his:

Zelenka: Oh, Rodney, you've been working for five hours straight. You should take a break. McKay: Eh, I will… when I'm finished. Zelenka: I know what you're trying to do. McKay: And what's that? Zelenka: Lose yourself in your work to avoid thinking about Elizabeth. You must realize it's only a temporary distraction. McKay: That's one of the perks of the job. If something terrible happens, you don't have time to dwell on it, 'cause you're too busy trying to stop the next terrible thing from happening. Seriously, if it wasn't for the Replicators, and their plan to wipe out every human in the galaxy, I'd be in pretty bad shape right now. No, this is Carson all over again, and I'm just not ready to deal. Not yet.

As long as McKay is working, he does not have time to dwell on the fact that he knows to the second how long it has been since they lost contact with Sheppard. As long as he is busy trying to stop them all from dying a horrible death, to prevent the next disaster, he does not have to come to terms with the very real possibility that his entire team have died on what was supposed to be a friendly establishing of relations, basically a cakewalk. He had come to this planet to help them with their technical issues and it seems to have cost him everything. Norina and Beckett exchange a look as he walks away, as though they were both taken aback by McKay acting so unfeeling, when he is using all of his psychological defense mechanisms in holding it together.

Sheppard: Please be the hangar door... Help me pry this thing open.

Whether through luck, chance, or providence, Sheppard seems to have done the impossible and found his way back to the hangar, probably finding the only way there, the only door leading back that is not burning to the touch. Sheppard sounds defeated as he seems to pray for this to be the way back to the Ancient warship, the way to finding out what had happened to McKay and why they had lost contact. We do not know that Sheppard is a religious man, and there are some indications that he does not put much in stock with religion, but here, he is not saying "Please be a door" to the door, his "Please" is spoken to some higher power.

Sheppard asks for the help of the handsome local men in prying open the door, and we may note that what he does here is similar to what Thalen had done in The Long Goodbye (S02E16) after Phoebus had put the city on lockdown. While we do not know for certain that Sheppard even remembers what had happened then, we can note that he puts his face in first and does not attempt to push himself through with the back of his head first like Thalen had, possibly having learned from the experience of getting stunned by Teyla the last time. It is only working together that they are able to pry the door open and it is important to recognize that if Sheppard had not tried to save these people, if he had not taken it upon himself to get them to safety, he too would have died. There is no way he could have gotten through this door alone. Therein lies a lesson.

Sheppard: Come on, come on. This way!

They file into the hangar and in the background, the music is building up to a crescendo like this was a pivotal moment in the story. This is curious because while Sheppard being able to lead a handful of people into safety at nearly the eleventh hour is all good and fine, the music is similar to what one might find in a romantic drama, at the climax when the lovers see each other again, when they embrace each other after having been kept apart for such a long time, with violins and everything. The way Sheppard approaches the railing to look at the ship calls back to the beginning of the episode when Sheppard had seen the ship for the first time, looking at it with reverence and awe. He had been impressed by the sight, so of course he might be taken in by the sight another time. It is possible that he is just happy to see the ship.

But it is not the ship that makes Sheppard run through the door, urging the people he is leading to hurry up. It is not because of the ship that Sheppard allows himself only a brief look at it before taking off, not guiding the people in and waiting to see that everyone gets in through the door but running toward the ship at the front of the group. It is not the warship that makes Sheppard's eyes all lighting up again like Doctor Vogel at the mention of pastries, it never was.

The reason there is romantic music playing in the background during this scene is because it is here that Sheppard discovers that McKay is alive. It is this, seeing the ship unharmed and untouched by lava that puts his heart at rest -- at least partially, because he does seem to be in a hurry to get back to McKay, to actually seeing him with his own eyes. He had lost contact, he had heard static on the radio, and he is not going to relax until he knows for sure that McKay is alright. And what they are playing here, it is lovers are about to be reunited music. It is husband that she thought had died in the war is standing behind her door music. It is running through the airport to stop her boarding the plane music. This is seeing your lover again after you thought they had died music. What we are made to listen here is discovering that the man that you love had not been killed by molten lava falling from the ceiling to bury him alive music. This scene is pivotal. This scene is romantic.

Continued in Pt. 16

[snuronalbumplaylists]

June 7th 2025

Sixth June - After The War EP Addison Rae - Addison Katatonia - Nightmares as Extensions of the Waking State Marina - Princess of Power Pulp - More Purelink - Faith Diva Destruction - Passion's Price (1999) This Mortal Coil - Filigree & Shadow (1986) / It'll End in Tears (1984)

The Weeknd's albums: Starboy Beauty Behind The Madness Kiss Land House of Balloons

[infraredmag]

CONTRITION: MetalSucks Streams Pariahs EP From Crust/Metal Act Formed By Members Of Trouble, Chrome Waves, Yakuza, And More; Record out Friday On Disorder Recordings

photo by Dave Rast “…no bullshit, unadulterated death metal.” – MetalSucks MetalSucks is currently hosting an exclusive stream of Pariahs, the new EP from Chicago-based death/extreme metal act CONTRITION, ahead of its release this Friday through Disorder Recordings. Formed following the demise of former act Doomsday, CONTRITION recorded their debut LP Broken Mortal Coil during the…

[parkerbombshell]

Cobwebs And Strange Radio Show #364

Cobwebs And Strange Radio Show  Mondays 12 noon EST , 5pm BST , 9am PDT - - The Specials - Vote For Me (Encore, 2019) - The Bonzo Dog Band - No Matter Who You Vote For, The Government Always Gets In (Let’s Make Up And Be Friendly, 1972) - SUPER 8 - Take It From Me (Retro Metro, 2024)* trip8.bandcamp.com - Inspiral Carpets - 96 Tears (Cool As, 2003) - Hinds - En Forma (Viva Hinds, 2024)* hinds.bandcamp.com - Beastie Boys - Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win (Hot Sauce Committee Part Two, 2011) - The BellRays - I Fall Down (Heavy Steady Go!, 2024)* - WITCH - Ain't Nobody (single, 2024)* w-i-t-c-h.bandcamp.com - Buddy Holly - Everyday (Buddy Holly, 1958) - The Cramps - Goo Goo Muck (Psychedelic Jungle, 1981) - Kanye West - On Sight (Yeezus, 2013) - The Raveonettes - Return Of The Grievous Angel (The Raveonettes Sing…, 2024)* - The International Submarine Band - One Day Week (Back At Home, 2000) - Will Gregory Moog Ensemble - Young Archimedes (Heat Ray: The Archimedes Project, 2024)* - The Stranglers - All Roads Lead To Rome (Feline, 1983) - Jason Joshua & The Beholders - Esperaré (single, 2024)* mangohillrecords.bandcamp.com - Scone Cash Players - Old Faithful (The Mind Blower, 2009) mangohillrecords.bandcamp.com - Trish Toledo - Can’t Wait To See You (single, 2024)* mangohillrecords.bandcamp.com - Camden - Circles For You (single, 2024)* mangohillrecords.bandcamp.com - GUSH - Decay (Explosion Therapy EP, 2024)* gushbandofficial.bandcamp.com - Cocteau Twins - Hitherto (Sunburst And Snowblind EP, 1983) - The Kaisers - Voodoo Lily (More from The Kaisers, 2024)* thekaisers.bandcamp.com - Mano Negra - King Kong Five (Puta’s Fever, 1989) - Manu Chao - São Paulo Motoboy (Viva Tu, 2024)* manuchao.bandcamp.com - Comet Gain - Only Happy When I’m Sad (…And It’s Love!, 2024)* spinoutnuggets.bandcamp.com - Birdie (2) - Let Her Go (Some Dusty, 1999)* slumberlandrecs.bandcamp.com - Clone - Immutable (CL. 1, 2024)* clonebk.bandcamp.com - Virgins - s u n s p o t s (nothing hurt and everything was beautiful, 2024)* bandofvirgins.bandcamp.com - Daphne Guinness - Mishima (Sleep, 2024)* - Jeff Beck - Hi Ho Silver Lining (single, 1967) - the switch - Queen Street 6 (single, 2024)* - LISA - Rockstar (single, 2024)* - Scene Queen - Girls Gone Wild (Hot Singles In Your Area, 2024)* - Nilüfer Yanya - Like I Say (I runaway) (My Method Actor, 2024)* niluferyanya.bandcamp.com - Canned Heat - Time Was (Hallelujah, 1969) - Black Market Karma - Stepping Loose (Wobble, 2024)* blackmarketkarma.bandcamp.com - The Hives - Civilisation’s Dying (Tarred And Feathered EP, 2024)* - The Soup Dragons - Hang-Ten! (Raw TV Products (Singles & Rarities 1985-88), 2022) - Federale - No Strangers (Reverb & Seduction, 2024)* federalemusic.bandcamp.com - Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood - Sand (Nancy & Lee, 1968) - Voice of Baceprot - The Enemy Of Earth Is You (RETAS, 2023) - Tenacious D - The Metal (The Pick Of Destiny, 2006) - Desire - Under Your Spell (Desire, 2009) - This Mortal Coil - Kanga Roo (It’ll End In Tears, 1984) - Oakenfold - Starry Eyed Surprise (Bunkka, 2002) - Foolio - Pain (Resurrection, 2024)* - Kinky Friedman - They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore (Kinky Friedman, 1974) - Myron Lee & The Caddies - Aw C’mon Baby (single, 1958) - Stephen de Bastion - Vienna (Songs From The Piano Player Of Budapest, 2024)* Read the full article

[rockhyrax]

Spectacle Radio ep.111 :: 02.15.24 :: A car needs hormones

Sergey Kuryokhin - Nemoj (Mister Designer, dir. Oleg Teptsov, 1987) Orbital - Concludiato (The Pentaverate) Victor Mate - Rosszkor szóltak rám (Memory of the Summer of ’74, dir. György Kovásznai, 1974) The Francies - Nightmare (dir. Al Columbia, 201X?) Yeule - Frozen Arrow (The Overture of Prototype, dir. 00 Zhang, 2023) Lydia Lunch & Clint Ruin - Stinkfist (Red Spirit Lake, dir. Charles Pinion, 1993) Nimrod Workman (Appalachian Journey, dir. Mike Dibb, Mark Kidel, & Alan Lomax, 1990) This Mortal Coil - Meniscus (Totally Fucked Up, dir. Greg Araki, 1993) The Time of Moulting (dir. Sabrina Mertens, 2020) Orbital - The Box (Untitled 2) (Wasted, dir. Aryan Kaganof, 2006) Al Columbia - Black Death and the Plague Dead Can Dance - Moon Child End Theme (dir. Agustí Villaronga, 1989) Dieter Moebius - Hoffnungsschimmer (Blue Moon, dir. Karsten Wichniarz, 1986) Jacques Higelin - Jolie Môme (Paprika, dir. Tinto Brass, 1991) … Thomas Brinkman - Olga (John and Jane, dir. Ashim Ahluwalia, 2005) Junk - Wildfire (Rave Macbeth, dir. Klaus Knoesel, 2001) Lliso & Suzo Saiz - El Arte de Morir (Álvaro Fernández Armero, 2000) Sergey Kuryokhin - Sorvalas (Mister Designer) Black Britain - Real Life (Hiding Out, dir. Bob Giraldi, 1987) Marianne Faithful - Broken English (Anybody’s Woman, dir. Bette Gordon, 1981) 808 State - In Yer Face (The Myth of the Liberal Media, dir. Sut Jhally, 1998) Jennifer Warnes - Nights Are Forever (The Twilight Zone) Veronika Fischer - Sehnsucht nach Wärme Chris Petke - Diablo (Rave Macbeth) Roberto de Simone & Nuova Compagnia di Canto Popolare - secondo coro delle lavandaie (La gatta Cenerentola, 1976) Denis Mpunga & Paul K. - Intermezzo II Pierre Desprats - Irrealta (Conann, Bertrand Mandico, 2023) Dieter Moebius - Kriminelle Energie (Blue Moon) Health - Blue Monday (Atomic Blonde) Alex McGowan - Guru Flute (Rave Macbeth) Otomo Yoshihide - Bath Cream 2 (Tokyo Elegy, dir. Aryan Kaganof, 1999) … Robert Ashley - The Park (Privacy Rules) (Perfect Lives, dir. John Sanborn, 1984) Piero Milesi & Daniel Bacalov - La Camera Astratta

[skcld]

♡ Animation List ❈ Main Titles ♡

Below there's an index of what might be featured on this blog, with some currently airing notes / updates on season count.

◆ The Island of Siliang ◇ 眷思量 *S3 ◆ Deep Sea ◇ 深海 (movie) ◆ Nezha & Nezha II ◇ 哪吒之魔童降世 / 哪吒之魔童闹海 (movie) ◆ Soul Land I & II ◇ 斗罗大陆 *airing, continuous ◆ Throne of Seal ◇ 神印王座 *airing, continuous ◆ One Way or Another / The Path Towards Heaven ◇ 大道朝天 *S2 ◆ The Demon Hunter ◇ 沧元图 *S3 (S1+4EP) / S2 airing + movie (2k26/7) ◆ Jade Dynasty ◇ 诛仙 *S3 ◆ Great Journey of Teenagers ◇ 少年歌行 *S5 ◆ Since the Red Moon ◇ 从红月开始 *S2 ◆ Honour of Kings: Chapter of Glory (Li Bai) ◇ 王者荣耀: 荣耀之章 ◆ Honour of Kings: Chapter of Fate (Cain) ◇ 王者荣耀凯篇命运*airing ◆ Secret Level: The Way Of All Things (Yi Xing) ◇ 万物之道 EP14 ◆ Three-Body ◇ 三体 *S2 (?) ◆ The Infinitors ◇ 无限世界 *S2 ◆ All Saints Street ◇ 万圣街 *S5 (48+EP) ◆ The Legend of Luo Xiao Hei ◇ 罗小黑战记 *S3 (40+EP) ◆ Please Take My Brother Away ◇ 快把我哥带走 *S6 (?) ◆ Mirror: Twin Cities ◇ 镜·双城 *S2 (Prequel+S1) ◆ Scumbag Self-Saving System ◇ 穿书自救指南 ◆ The Land of Miracles ◇ 神澜奇域无双珠 ◆ Si Wu Xie / Xiao Li & Hupo ◇ 思无邪 / 小鲤与琥珀 ◆ Link Click ◇ 时光代理人 *S3 + Special ◆ Ringing Fate ◇ 命运拳台 ◆ Villain Initialisation ◇ 反派初始化 *S2 ◆ My Heroic Husband ◇ 赘婿 *S3 (S1+S2) ◆ A Moment but Forever ◇ 念无双 *S2 ◆ Sword of Coming ◇ 剑来 *S2 ◆ L.O.R.D. I (movie)

◆ Royal Armor / Legend of Mecha Scholars ◇ 御甲凌云志 ◆ PLUS ◆ Way of Choice / Ze Tian Ji ◇ 择天记 ◆ Jian Ke ◇ 间客 ◆ The Wind of Tang ◇ 大唐乘风录 (?) ◆ Big Fish and Begonia : The Story of Rong Song ◆ Strategic Angels ◇ 战略级天使 ◆ Song of the Creator ◇ 造物者之歌 ◆ Grave Robbers’ Chronicles ◇ 七星鲁王宫 ◆ Absolute Resonance ◇ 万相之王 (?) ◆ Seven States Of Galaxy Saga ◇ 七国银河 ◆ World of Sphira ◇ 佣兵天下 ◆ M Star ◇ 半星 ◆ Cyber Sword Immortal Tieyu ◇ 赛博剑仙铁雨 ◆ The Legend of Princess Changge ◇ 长歌行 *S2 ◆ Ever Night ◇ 将夜 ◆ The Knight ◇ 夜的命名术 ◆ Fairy And Sword 3 ◇ 仙剑三 ◆ Coiled(/ing) Dragon ◇ 盘龙 ◆ Endless Journey of Love ◇ 时间之子 (movie) ◆ Honor of Kings movie: Brother Bai Li ◇ 百里兄弟 (movie) ◆ Trip to the Abyss / Lin Yuan Xing ◇ 临渊行 ◆ Immortal Samsara ◇ 沉香如屑动画 ◆ GhostBlade (?) ◆ Shining Nikki And The God of Dreams 2023 (movie) (?) ◆ To Be Hero X ◇ 凸变英雄X *airing ◆ Release that Witch ◆ FINAL GATE SAGA ◇ 终钥战纪 ◆ Star-Stealing Girl / Tou Xing Jiu Yue Tian ◆ I'm YingTai ◇ 在下英台 ◆ Honour of Kings: Chapter Fate (Kai) ◇ 王者荣耀凯篇命运

◆ Into The Mortal World ◇ 落凡尘 (movie) ◆ Oh my School! ◇ 茶啊二中 (movie) ◆ The Umbrella Girl ◇ 伞少女 (movie) ◆ Phoenix in Fire ◇ 火凤重天 (movie)

◆ Capsules / Jiaonang Jihua ◇ 胶囊计划 S1-S3 ◆ Slay the Gods ◇ 斩神之凡尘神域 *S2 (S1, 15EP) (?) ◆ L.O.R.D. II (movie) ◆ My Heroic Husband ◇ 赘婿 (?) ◆Link Click: Bridon Arc ◇ 时光代理人 英都篇 6EP (Special)

Picture credits to the rightful editors! ————————————————————————— Notes:(*) for upcoming season; (?) for not enough information yet or potential drop if already airing

[ajoytobeheld]

Gareth Campesinos!' records of 2010

December 2nd, 2010

And so, the moment I’ve been waiting for, my 12 albums for 2010. That averages at one a month </justification for exceeding ten>

I was intending to do this in order of preference, but the late arrival of Kanye convinced me otherwise. Right now I can’t see that I like an album from this year more than My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, but 12 months ago I’d have said the same about Perfume Genius’ Learning. Making a snap decision now could only cause me to cause some horrific injustice like, oooh, I dunno, suggesting the Marina And The Diamonds record is better than Kanye. Idiocy.

I cannot write about music, so please forgive these descriptions, they’re just to break up the pics, like.

So, in no particular order…

Psychorama – Bathcrones

Bright melodies bubbling atop and overflowing from slow motion beats. All sheets of synth noise and groove. An oddly uplifting record, kinda like a crack of light under the doorframe of a darkened room.

Love King – The Dream

The-Dream’s written some of modern chart music’s biggest hits (Umbrella, Single Ladies) but his solo records show an intelligence and degree of concept that very few people would expect. Dark, self obsessed stuff hidden behind MASSIVE TUNES. Our generation’s Michael Jackson, I tell you.

Carve Out The Face Of My God – Infinite Body

The most melodic shoegazy/ambient record I can recall hearing. Released on No Age’s Post Present Medium record label, this drone is modern day classical music if you ask me.

Autre Ne Veut – Autre Ne Veut

Like every annoying ten-minute trend this year, but with actual worth behind it, a set of bollocks and falsetto. Nostalgic, twisted pop-songs to make your head whir and your eyes cry ice cubes. This is one of my absolute favourites.

Blue Water White Death – Blue Water White Death

Starring Jamie Stewart and Shearwater’s Jonathan Meiburg, this, for me, harks back to La Foret era Xiu Xiu. Centred around acoustic instrumentation and eerie, threatening mantras.

LA Vampires Meets Zola Jesus – LA Vampires Meets Zola Jesus

Massively succesful year for Zola Jesus’ Nika Roza, whose Stridulum EP has seen her break into a world that I could never have imagined (though am so pleased to see her in). However this, her work with Pocahaunted’s Amanda Brown is my favourite of hers from this year. Mesmerising, minor key and dub tinged, this is pretty trippy stuff.

Dagger Paths – Forest Swords

So happy that this is receiving a late push from the likes of Pitchfork. Wirral producer Matthew Barnes is a gentleman, and produces music like nothing I can recall exactly hearing before. His cover of Aaliyah’s ‘If Your Girl’ may well be my track of the year (actually, no, that’s The-Dreams F.I.L.A., but still).

Suburban Tours – Rangers

Like early Ariel Pink, but less annoying (to my ears). Every AM radio song of the 80s recorded to cassette and played atop of each other over a melted car stereo. But sad, very sad.

Learning – Perfume Genius

The most delicate and tortured music I’ve heard since the highest (or is that lowest) points of This Mortal Coil. Just a beautiful man and his demons sat aside a piano. I’ve gone on about this record enough that if I’ve not convinced you by now, I’m sure I never will.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

There are no words.

Mare – Julian Lynch

Hazy, folky pop songs made ‘difficult’. Soothing and rewarding.

New Love – Former Ghosts

Industrial, hyper emotional tales of the heart and soul from the composer of my favourite album of 2009. This second full length pays even more attention to detail and space. Somehow more pop and more brutal than before.

Needless to say, I’m excited for all the upcoming End Of Year Lists from certain publications, to see what brilliant stuff I’ve missed out on this year. And maybe yours too?

[beyourselfchulanmaria]

Sixteen Days / Gathering Dust (Remastered) /(1983 EP)

This Mortal Coil - Dust & Guitars | 2012 album