#ep. the eye

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Storm/The Eye, Pt. 5

Believing that Weir is dead and McKay is in mortal peril, Sheppard proceeds to go on what amounts to a rampage.

The first scene of The Eye (S01E10) seems to continue the show's meta-commentary. McKay, brave toaster that he is and possibly at least partially motivated by the desperation that they can all hear in Sheppard's voice over the intercom, places himself between the gun and Elizabeth. The dialogue tells us what's going on (with the show and where it's heading):

Kolya: Sheppard put you in this position, not me. McKay: You can't do this. This is crazy. You need her! Sora: She's right, Commander. McKay: I'm not kidding. There are codes required to activate the shield – codes that only she knows. You can't do it without her! Well, you can't do this without me either. I mean, we're a package deal. You take us out of the equation and-and-and-and you don't have an end game.

The fact that Weir and McKay are a package deal is emphasized by their placement, McKay coming to stand in front of Weir and obstructing her. That is to say, the show needs to imply attraction between Weir and Sheppard to be able to explore the relationship between Sheppard and McKay in subtext, to blur the lines between the characters and their relationships. The first they could easily have done without the latter, but the latter they could never have pulled off without the former (re: the shows ties to the USAF and DADT still being a thing when it aired). It offers the cover of plausible deniability while allowing people attuned to homoerotic subtext to easily be able to recognize the narrative undercurrent.

Again, note that McKay is lying to save Weir, claiming that he absolutely needs her help to save the city. Also, it's Kolya mentioning Sheppard by name that initially makes McKay dive in front of the gun. He says "Sheppard put you into this position, not me" which has the implication that if McKay allowed Kolya to shoot Weir, Sheppard would have to live with the guilt of it for the rest of his life, and McKay wasn't about to let that happen. He hears Sheppard's name and he immediately reacts, does something really brave and heroic without even having time to think about it. Because, as I've discussed previously, he is a Big Damn Hero and this very characteristic of his is what Sheppard admires and loves in him so much, even though he doesn't even get to see it this time.

Halfway through his rant McKay realizes that he just put himself into jeopardy, and this is when he starts consciously doing the same thing he has been doing with the Genii ever since their first encounter: trying to convince them of his invaluability (and it's striking that it's always in the service of trying to save someone else, not just or even predominately himself). He has self-esteem issues, he doesn't actually believe he's invaluable. But probably since he was a child he's had to project invaluability, has had to prove to people that he is a valuable asset, to gain acceptance. He thinks that he will only be tolerated if he proves himself irreplaceable.

The characters continue lying to one another. Kolya lets Sheppard know that Weir is dead.

I want to point out two things. Where Sheppard was extremely agitated just a moment ago, willing to do anything, he is extremely and exaggeratedly calm when he tells Kolya that he is going to kill him. Of course he is very upset that Weir should have been killed on his watch. Of course he cares about Weir and is upset by this. But again knowing the outcome changed his demeanor. Sure, responding in a cool and collected way is a performance to hide the fact that he is internally shaken. But he still manages to pull it off.

Then Kolya continues with "Stay out of my way or McKay will join her." That is when we get a brief glimpse at how Sheppard is actually feeling, his internal conflict and anguish (and which is something that he has no intention of letting Kolya know, hence putting the radio down):

Now. My friends. When you desperately need something, you need something so badly that you're willing to kill for it, you start killing off things from the least important to the most important. Like when a parent starts counting down from ten when they're warning a child that unless they cease their behaviour, they're going to "get it". You don't start from one, you start from ten and count downwards.

If Kolya had thought that Weir was Sheppard's main motivation, he would not have started by killing her off. Never mind how important McKay may have been, you keep the ace up your sleeve as long as you can. And Kolya had decided that the ace up his sleeve was McKay, which is why he reminds Sheppard that he is, in fact, still very much holding him hostage.

Again, the main stream audience is going to watch the show thinking Sheppard's entire upset has to do with Weir and Weir alone. And yet we always seem to find McKay between references to Weir and changes in Sheppard's demeanor. And once more, given what we saw of their interaction in the previous episode (Sheppard barely saw Weir when the three of them were in the lab together; he was so focused on McKay it's as though she weren't even there for him; we've really had zero indication of him harbouring some hidden secret passion for her that would explain this reaction; she is not the love of his life and a budding interest would not even begin to explain his reaction here), it makes so much more sense to interpret this reaction and the events that follow as motivated by McKay. Especially in the context of him having lost Captain Holland to enemy combatants in Afghanistan, as we later learn.

Also notice that once Kolya mentions McKay, Sheppard doesn't respond. There are probably a hundred things he could have said, maybe even wanted to say. You can read it all on his face. But he doesn't say anything because he doesn't dare do anything that might provoke this sociopath further. He actually has to stop himself from saying something he might regret. He can't risk responding. Like, he physically has to force his hand down to keep from say something that McKay might end up paying for.

Sheppard was afraid that he wasn't going to be able to save the people he cares about from the storm before, but this is a whole new kind of fear. This is a nightmare of the kind he had never even thought to have. But he's going to move heaven and earth to save the man. He's even willing to kill to save him. Kill a lot of people to save him, as it turns out.

And it is also noteworthy that he immediately springs into action, here. We've seen previously how characters are incapacitated when they lose someone important to them (cf. Cowen sitting down with his legs giving way when he mourns Tyrus). Sheppard is the opposite of incapacitated (in fact, we see him incapacitated in this particular fashion in Doppelganger, S04E04, when he thinks McKay is dead, so we see what Sheppard is like when he's lost the most important thing to him; he's slow, sluggish, going through the motions). This is not a man going through the motions, this is a man on a mission.

Again we get a transition from Sheppard's emotion to the raging storm to indicate that there's a storm also raging within him. The storm is a metaphor for what's going on inside him. And the calmness with which he then proceeds to take out the Genii is him being in the eye of the storm. Because the show is subtle with the symbolism like that.

Sheppard is moving fast, he's being strategic. He's not someone that's blinded by rage on a revenge mission because someone just killed the love of his life. He's also not acting reckless, putting himself needlessly in danger and this is not because he has some payback to do and someone to kill but because he has someone to save. You can contrast all of this with Sora's behaviour later on with regards to her vengeance against Teyla.

He even stops to check his watch at one point because he remembers McKay's words about them being under a time element, that there's a deadline looming over them all -- this is reinforced by the fact that the previous time Sheppard checked his watch, it was on the balcony right after McKay had just checked his watch (unwittingly mirroring someone's actions, again a sign of attraction; although synchronizing watches is also a very military thing to do, to be sure) and told them they have just over four and a half hours until the storm hits.

We are literally told that it's McKay he's thinking about when he stops and actually asks himself, "What would McKay do?" Again reminding us of the fact that for Sheppard, McKay is a hero. That McKay is constantly on his mind.

I also need to emphasize that he is killing actual people here. Yes, they're enemies but they are also human. This is the first time we see him kill humans after the mercy killing of Col. Sumner.

McKay starts fixing the grounding station and it's really quite sweet how he attempts to make it look like Elizabeth is vital to the process to keep her alive. It's not that he's trying to be a hero, it just comes naturally to him. He's not very good with people, though, so Elizabeth both has to explain to him that they need to stall and to actually lie on his behalf. When they overhear that Sheppard has killed some of the Genii strike force over the intercom, it's again only McKay's reaction that we get to this, not Weir's. He made a mental note of it albeit he does not seem to know what to think of it. Sheppard is alive, yes. He's being hunted by people with guns. And he's having to do terrible things.

McKay really is quite rattled, never having been in this kind of situation before. And it's interesting that Weir uses Sheppard to kick McKay into gear. She actually mentions Sheppard by name: "Look, from the sound of it, if we can buy Sheppard enough time, it seems like he can take care of the rest of them on his own." Not only had she figured out that this is what would motivate McKay the best, she is actually getting him to focus by appeasing him, pointing it out to him that Sheppard is really doing quite well for himself out there. She's not telling him that they're going to be alright, she's telling him that Sheppard is safe. Because for some reason she thinks that that's what will motivate him.

And Kolya does the opposite. He's trying to demoralize them by mentioning Sheppard by name: "If you're hoping Major Sheppard can diminish our numbers, you are mistaken." And notice that he is saying this to McKay. He glances at Weir a few times but when he is saying this, he is looking directly and only at McKay. An angel and a devil on his shoulders, they're both using Sheppard to get to him. I find that really interesting. Now, Weir knows him and has been able to observe them for a while now. But these people are complete strangers to Kolya, and he's still figured it out.

Now, if earlier Sheppard had to stop himself from saying something that might cause McKay trouble, McKay seems to be doing the same thing. And keeping quiet isn't the easiest thing for him, does not come to him naturally. But he keeps quiet because he's trying very hard not to make things worse for the Major.

If both Kolya and Weir are using Sheppard to motivate McKay, Sheppard himself is using McKay to motivate himself:

He has a dilemma here. He's trying to think of what McKay would do in his situation but he's come across explicit instructions from McKay not to do what he's thinking about doing. That's quite the pickle! (Also hilarious that the sign can be read as implying that touching McKay is dangerous, telling him not to do it). Are you thinking about touching McKay right now? Because this is not the time, my friend.

From the pleased look on Rodney's face, Sheppard was able to correctly intuit what he would have done in the situation when he shuts down the naqada generator. It's like they're working together as a team even when they are apart.

Continued in Pt. 6

[cracklewink]

My Mane 6 Redesigns all together! I was going to post them separately but ended up finishing them all before I got around to it lol

[aquilaofarkham]

actually this is peak female character design

[shrews-art]

Ever here that's left in me is yours just as it was

[shedk1d]

Been cooking up so much TMA fan art

I’m almost finished my first listen, only 6 more episodes I’m so scared </3

[l13]

The loud thumping wakes you up, and you blink tiredly as the sound persists. You look at your ceiling for a second before you realize someone is knocking at your door. You groan, bringing your duvet over your ear as you snuggle in again.

“Leave me alone,” you mumble against your pillow as the knocking becomes more forceful.

Suddenly there’s silence, and when you finally think that whoever is bothering you has left, the knocking starts again.

You groan, cursing under your breath as you stand up, grabbing your gun from your vanity. You walk to your front door, opening it angrily.

“What-” your outburst dies down at your lips when you lock eyes with the last person you’d expected to see standing outside your apartment, but one you’d longed for, for years.

Your first instinct is to panic, there’s no way you were conscious. The person standing at your door was supposed to be dead.

So you raise your gun up, hand trembling, “This isn’t real.” you choke out, and Vander raises his hands slowly, opening his mouth to speak but you cut him off, “You’re not real, you’re not here.” There are tears dripping down your cheeks, the gun threatening to fall from your hand with how much you were shaking “Y-you’re dead, this can’t-” you clutch at your chest, heaving, and Vander’s hands grab at your shoulders when your knees buckle,

“My love,” The gun slips from your shaky grip and falls to the floor the moment the words leave his mouth. His voice, god fuck, his voice. You’ve dreamed of it, you’re certain you’ve heard it, back when the grief first clawed at your heart, when the illusions spilled into reality to try to mend what was broken.

But this sounded too real, and you gasped when his hand cupped your cheek, thumb wiping the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Darling, my darling girl. It’s me,” the sweet but rough sound of his voice sent shivers down your back, and you wanted to drown in it, you wanted to hear it again and again and again until you couldn’t anymore. You blinked rapidly, tears blurring your vision as your eyes danced across his features, the five bright white dots across his forehead would have confused you, if you weren’t on the verge of a panic attack.

You didn’t realize you’d raised your hand to cover his, until you felt the warmth of his hand under your skin. “S-stop, this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real,” you squeezed your eyes shut, whispering frantically in order to wake up from this sickly realistic dream, to end this before you woke up and missed his touch again. And yet you craved more, desperately running your hands down his sides, back up to his chest, his shoulders, his back.

God, he felt real, and he was so warm, not like the previous dreams you’ve had when he was always cold, just a silhouette of the man you loved. He even smelled like your Vander. A sob broke through you, and you threw your hands around his neck, crying against his chest. Even if this wasn’t real, you’d still take advantage of this opportunity to feel close to him one last time.

You tried not to cry harder when his arms immediately circled around your torso, hugging you tight to him as you both slipped down to the floor, “Shh sh, love it’s me. Please, look at me,”

“If I do then I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.” you muttered against his chest, nuzzling closer to him, “Let me have this, just for a moment.”

“You have me, forever.” His rough gravelly voice vibrated against your chest as he spoke, his breath hitting your ear as he nuzzled against your hair, his hands running up and down your back, spreading warmth everywhere.

Too real, too real, too real.

“I miss you so much. I-I can’t-” you take a shuddering breath in, “I can’t live without you. I need you back, please. Please, I’ll do anything.”

“My love, my heart. You beautiful, stunning creature. Look at me, I beg you.”

You could feel him leaning away just so he could cup your jaw, lifting your head up softly, so so softly.

Please.

“Look at me.” he mutters, the softness of his request filled with desperation. You slowly open your eyes, blinking away your tears, gaze immediately locking with his.

Your lips part as you take him in. The color of his eyes was much greyer than you remembered. You raised your hand to follow each feature, each wrinkle of his. After a moment, You brought your other hand up, as well, cupping both his cheeks in your hands, feeling his stubble prickle at your palms. “Vander… This- this can’t be real.” you move to pull away but he cups both your hands, keeping you in place, leaning his forehead against yours, “It can, it is. I’m here honey. I’m here.”

You can’t help but stare at his lips, watching them move as he speaks, your mind trying to make sense of what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling.

Please.

You can’t let yourself get too hopeful because this isn’t possible, and he seems to get it too, so he starts explaining.

He tells you everything. How he was on the verge of death, how a man, Singed, found him, turned him into something vile, but the mutation kept him alive, even if he wasn’t entirely himself. He tells you about how all he felt was pain, but you and the kids were the only thing in his mind the whole time, trying to block away everything else. Tells you about Powder, Vi, and Isha, how they found him, brought him somewhere, a colony of some sort. A man, the Herald, helped him, and “..honest to God he kind of scares me, but it-it didn’t matter then, and it doesn’t matter now because I’m here. I’m here with you.”

Please.

You don’t realize you’ve lost track of time until you’re looking at yourself. You blink quickly, eyebrows furrowing, but then you realize you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. Vander is still holding you tightly, and the side of your face is pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he whispers sweet nothings against the crown of your head. You stay there, listening to his voice and his heart for what feels like forever.

He grabs your shoulders, pulling you away from him just enough for him to look at you in the eyes, “Are you okay?” he asks, but his voice is muffled, sounding too far away. You blink slowly up at him and he frowns sadly.

“I missed you so much. Even in death I missed you, but I wasn’t selfish enough to wish I could see you again because that would mean you’d-” he cuts himself off, the strands of his hair moving as he shakes his head, eyes clenched shut as if to rid himself of that painful thought. “I-I’m here. I’m real. Darling, I’m alive, and I need you to know this.”

His eyes are pained as he stares down at you, once again cupping your jaw, thumb caressing your cheekbone “Say something.”

“I love you.”

His face immediately crumbles, eyebrows squeezing together as his tears start falling, and he tucks his head against the place between your neck and shoulder, crying as he squeezes you impossible tighter, “I love you.” he chokes out, and you feel him pepper soft kisses over your skin, the brokenness of his voice bringing fresh tears to your eyes as well.

You don’t know how long you stay tangled together like this, just holding each other, but Vander leans back suddenly, looking at you with so much adoration that it makes you want to scream. “Hi,” he mumbles, petting your hair softly, his other hand drawing circles on your back.

You start pressing soft kisses all over his face, not being able to contain your affection, and he closes his eyes, laughing giddily, the deep sound traveling over your skin, spreading warmth everywhere. God, you’ve missed this, missed him. “Hi.” you mutter, pressing one last kiss at the corner of his mouth.

His puffy eyes glance down at your lips, “Can I-”

“Please.”

He kisses you.

2024 © l13 | Do not steal, copy, edit, translate or re-post any of my works.

[incipientdreamer]

Hey Alice, how do you know what Sam and Celia were asked in their interviews? Hey Alice, how do you know Lena changed her style of job interviews? Hey Alice, how do you just *know* how to file cases when ypu don't even listen to them? Hey Alice, how do you already know Sam has a crush on Celia? HEY ALICE, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING FOR THE OIAR??

[time-woods]

well look who's back

this thing

[ohmaerieme]

thats strange.... this dr pepper is starting to taste like maternal instincts towards devin "dev" dimmadome

[kayascodelorio]

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022-) S02E03―No Pain

[potato-lord-but-not]

WHHGGGGGAGGHHHJHH they love each other so much it makes me ILL

[dr-futbol-blog]

Aurora, Pt. 9

Inside the simulation, Sheppard has located the ship's Captain seemingly inside his own private quarters. Whether he had just happened to land on him, had been searching various places before finding him or had been drawn to the Captain through that magnetic pull between the Ancients is unclear. Startled by Sheppard, the Captain seems ready to call for help but like the guard, he seems to get some kind of a feel regarding Sheppard that at least makes him want to trust him.

Sheppard: Hi! Me again. Wait, wait, please, just... listen. I'm not here to hurt anyone.

The reason that people want to trust Sheppard is not just his charming personality, as he has very obviously received training in psychological warfare, in manipulating people to get them to behave the way that he wants or needs them to behave. Here Sheppard shows the Captain his open palms, which is meant to convince the target of the fact that he is not concealing a weapon, which is made amusing by the fact that he actually is holding a weapon. Only, the Ancient popsicle is so unfamiliar to him that it does not even register as a weapon, and hence it takes him a beat to realize that showing the Captain that he is not carrying a weapon while brandishing a weapon is counterproductive. And so he puts the weapon away, slowly approaching the man while displaying his empty palms like he would a wild animal. He emphasizes his message of being nonthreatening with his words and tone matching his gestures. Even his facial expressions are designed to put the target at ease, to establish a friendly rapport.

Also, let us note the fact that Sheppard is approaching the Captain where he likely could have said what he was going to say from where he was standing. Getting closer probably would have made convincing the Captain easier if he managed to make him feel comfortable in his presence, but this is also a case of Sheppard being physically pulled toward an Ancient. He may not realize what he is doing, he may not be doing it out of any conscious choice on his part, but he definitely feels the need to approach this man just as he had approached the man that had first caught him.

Sheppard: I want to help you. Help all of us. I know all this sounds strange but just give me a chance to prove that what I'm saying--

Where the Captain is at least curious enough to listen to Sheppard without calling for help, the wraith takes him out before he has a chance of convincing him of anything. We do not know what kind of training the or members of the Ancient military may have had in human (or Ancient) behaviour, but it is possible that the Captain was convinced more by what ever neural feedback he was getting from Sheppard, his vibes. He even tells his First Officer, "What if he is telling the truth? Do you not sense it too? That something is wrong?" There is a psychic component to how the Ancients interact with each other, and the Captain was feeling something about Sheppard.

Sheppard is zapped unconscious by the wraith using the Ancient popsicle, and he is carried away by two guards. Neither of these men are the young guard that Sheppard had left in the brig, and given that the wraith tells the Captain that Sheppard had only just escaped (and apparently had made his way directly to the Captain, just knowing where he would be), the young guard was probably still locked away. What is interesting is that there is a mirror behind the Captain and we can see both Sheppard and the wraith's reflections in it. One might expect to see the wraith in the reflection but we do not, the mirror image is that of the First Officer, even though by her evil smirk we are able to tell by now that this woman has to be a space vampire in disguise. What it tells us is that the wraith has near complete control of the simulation.

Back in the real world, what ever software McKay was running to monitor Sheppard's vitals alerts him immediately to the fact that Sheppard has shifted into a deeper state of sleep, him being rendered unconscious in the virtual environment manifesting in a shift in his brain wave patterns. The reason why McKay is able to catch on so quickly is that he was monitoring Sheppard's brain waves while they were standing there. McKay does not know what the change means but he is immediately concerned because any change is not good.

Teyla: What is wrong? McKay: Delta waves? Dex: What are they? Caldwell: Doctor McKay? Are you ready to be beamed aboard? McKay: It hasn't even been five minutes! Teyla: Doctor McKay has discovered a problem. Caldwell: What kind of a problem?

It is interesting that while McKay is triggered by the data, Teyla pings that something is wrong from McKay's expression, reading him just as expertly as McKay reads the computer read-out. And like we have seen her do many times with Sheppard, she picks up explaining the situation to Caldwell as it seems that McKay is in the kind of zone that makes it difficult to engage in civil communication and he answers Caldwell's questions just by snapping at him. But it is interesting that McKay makes a reference to the passage of time and his sense of how much time has passed because we have seen that dissociation makes his sense of time distorted. We cannot be sure if his approximation of only five minutes having passed is correct or not, but Caldwell certainly seems to feel like they have had more than enough time to sort out what ever they needed to get Sheppard out of the pod.

McKay: Colonel Sheppard's EEG frequencies are decreasing. I'm reading delta waves which indicate that he's unconscious within the virtual environment. I'm not sure how it happened but something's definitely wrong in there. Caldwell: Even more reason to pull him out. McKay: That would be a mistake. Look, additional data I've been able to decipher from the wraith's biometrics receiver shows significant manipulation of the feedback loop, something we were clearly not aware of when Sheppard went in. Caldwell: We were also clearly not aware of the two wraith cruisers approaching.

McKay is clearly frustrated having to explain things when he should be doing things, but it is testament to Sheppard having trained him to explain things to him in a way that he can understand that McKay is actually doing that here. He is taking the time to explain what the problem is and what his assessment of the situation is.

Also note his use of the word "Look" here. We have seen Sheppard physically react to hearing this word and it may be caused by situations such as this, of McKay using it when he is explaining something, the explaining often happening in tense and time-sensitive situations. Hearing the word in such contexts would cause a Pavlovian reaction, as mentioned by McKay at the beginning of the episode, of Sheppard reacting physically to hearing the word. It triggers him into paying attention to what ever follows it. It also underscores the importance of exchanging looks in their communication. Whether he does it consciously or not, by saying the word "Look" McKay is asking Sheppard to look at him while he is explaining something, to focus on him so that he can ascertain by the look on Sheppard's face whether his explanation is sinking in.

McKay: Colonel, this wraith is controlling the program which means it might have booby-trapped it as well. We're talking about Sheppard's life here. Caldwell: And I'm talking about the lives of not only every person aboard this ship but every person in Atlantis when the wraith find out it wasn't destroyed.

McKay is presented with a clear dilemma here. Sheppard's life versus the lives of everyone on the Daedalus and in Atlantis. Caldwell has laid out the stakes for him in no uncertain terms. And while keeping Atlantis, his home, safe is extremely important to McKay, it should come as no surprise what his choice is. At the end of the day, Atlantis is a place. It is Sheppard that has made it home for him. It is Sheppard that is his home. And the thing is, as Sheppard points out by the end of the season, McKay works extremely well under pressure. It is possibly the result of his childhood environment, of having used homework and chores to escape the tense atmosphere created by his parents who hated each other and blamed him, but as long as he has something to do, as long as he has something to occupy himself with, McKay is not paralyzed by a ticking clock. Caldwell has given him a deadline, and he is going to use that time to do what has to be done.

Caldwell: I'm well aware of what's at stake here, Doctor. Get him out of that pod, or my men will. Caldwell out. McKay: I'm going in! Look, stall Caldwell, buy me some time, just a few minutes at the most. Teyla: What if you are unable to disconnect? Dex: Caldwell's gonna blow that ship whether you're in there or not.

When McKay had told Sheppard that he should be able to disconnect him without permanent brain damage, he had mostly been joking. But he had meant that he would do everything in his power to make sure that Sheppard would come out of the experience unscathed. He had been keeping a keen eye on Sheppard's vitals the whole time because he was concerned for his safety and well-being. And here Caldwell had threatened to send his men to forcefully disconnect Sheppard without any of them having any idea what that would do to him. Caldwell was asking him to choose between Sheppard's mind and the people of Atlantis.

McKay thinks about it for only a beat and decides that his own life if the cheapest commodity here. Teyla had asked earlier which would be the greater loss, himself or Sheppard. And McKay had made it sound like he thought it was Sheppard, obviously. He should go. Only, he had not meant it then and he certainly had never thought that Sheppard's life was worth less than his own, very much to the contrary. Risking his own life to save Sheppard was as easy as breathing. This was why he had allowed Sheppard to go under in the first place, that he might be able to fix what ever might go wrong from the outside. And so he looks around for a vacant pod, quickly devising a plan of how he might be able to help Sheppard from the inside.

McKay: You see, the thing is, Colonel Sheppard and I have sort of gotten into this habit of saving each other's lives, and it's my turn. It could be your turn next.

Because both Teyla and Ronon are looking over his shoulder, clearly concerned, McKay feels the need to give them an explanation. Despite the impression that both of them may have gotten earlier when he was playing 4D chess by letting Sheppard to go under, McKay both values Sheppard's life more than his own, he also considers his own life cheap currency to start with. He does not value his own life, and Weir had to remind him of how important his life is to everyone on Atlantis at the end of Trinity (S02E06) because McKay, due to his poor self-esteem, just does not understand his worth. But even if he did, Sheppard would still be worth more to him because Sheppard is the most important person in his life. Sheppard is the love of his life. Sheppard is his life. Obviously he is going to go in to save him.

But that is not something that he can tell them, and certainly cannot let Caldwell in on this fact. So he comes up with a plausible reason. They have gotten into the "habit of saving each other's lives." And certainly they have done that a lot. Where Ronon is new to the team and has not observed them do that a lot, Teyla has been observing them much longer. But even she is not privy to the extent that they have been saving each other's lives. In the early days, they were often saving the lives of everyone on Atlantis and each other besides. But it had evolved to them saving each other in particular by the Genii Siege (The Eye S01E11, where Weir and McKay were pretty much the only people on Atlantis at the time when Sheppard decided to kill a whole lot of people to save them) and The Defiant One (S01E12), when McKay and Sheppard had been the only people on the whole planet and had both risked their own lives to protect the other.

They had saved each other's lives so much that they had lost count, and it was not important anyway. Love is not a reciprocal relationship, it is a contest on who gets to do more for the other person. And it was not just that they were willing to risk their own lives to save the other, both of them would be willing to risk a whole lot more lives than just their own to save the other man to the point where both of them were willing to sacrifice literally every other human life to save the other in The Last Man (S04E20). They both did that. McKay erased his whole timeline and Sheppard was willing to let the human race go extinct.

Realizing that his desperation to get in to save Sheppard, the ease with which he was willing to jump from the frying pan right into the fire, was probably beginning to look real suspicious to people that they were supposed to be hiding their feelings for the other from, he tacks on the "might be your turn next" at the end. Like it was the result of good old team spirit that he was doing this for. And for sure, he did care about his team members and would go to all manner of lengths to save them too. But that was not what this was about. He just was not allowed to tell them what this was really about.

McKay: Look, hit this to manually disconnect me. If I do not regain consciousness, go ahead and open Colonel Sheppard's pod. Have us beamed directly to Daedalus, and make sure they have a medical team waiting.

It is obvious that McKay is afraid, but being afraid had never stopped him from being brave. Note again that as McKay is giving Teyla instructions, trying to be as clear about them as possible, he begins by telling her to "Look," using this word to make her focus on what is important. And what is most important to him is Sheppard, which is why he tells her what to do with him first. The first thing they need to do is to make sure that Sheppard gets beamed out of the ship before Caldwell blows them up. He, the genius that is vital to the running of Atlantis, is not only willing to sacrifice his life but to weather actual brain damage to get Sheppard out of there. He is not doing this for a friend. He is not looking at her with this pleading desperation because he wants to save his team leader. It takes actual effort to not see this for what it is.

Teyla: Are you sure you wanna do this? McKay: I'm sure I don't! OK.

McKay sounds like he is close to hyperventilating as he lays himself down on the platform, his voice clearly trembling from fear. He is also honest in admitting to Teyla that he really does not want to be doing this. The fact that this is so difficult for him just emphasizes the importance he puts on Sheppard's life. Ronon looks away, clearly thinking about something as McKay prepares to go under and where he obviously respects what McKay is doing, it is never entirely clear what he thinks about McKay's relationship to Sheppard. He also does not like the fact that he is not able to protect neither Sheppard nor McKay when they are under.

McKay: Alright. There's more than enough air in there. Right. Course there is. Crew's been sealed inside these things for thousands of years. Teyla: Are you alright? McKay: Yeah, it's just my claustrophobia. I'll be fine.

McKay confesses to suffering from claustrophobia, the fear of enclosed spaces. One of the known causes of claustrophobia is a traumatic childhood experience, and may in fact result from repeated exposure to something like a child being shut into a pitch-black room unable find the door or the light-switch, being locked in a closet as a means of punishment, or being neglected by being left alone in their parents' car. Given what McKay has exposed about his childhood environment, any number of experiences such as these may have resulted in him developing claustrophobia.

But what is interesting is that this is not the first time that we see him enclosed in a tight space where there is a chance of air running out. We saw him concerned with the availability of air in The Siege (S01E19) in his space suit, where he actually explicitly confessed to having claustrophobia, and in The Intruder (S02E02), locked in the cockpit of a fighter-interceptor with Sheppard. In the former case, Peter Grodin was able to walk McKay through the experience by soothing him, telling him he was going to be fine. In the latter case, Sheppard had told McKay that they might conserve the air by McKay not talking. At all. And with this, Sheppard had been able to trigger McKay's indignation, clearly displayed in how he folded his arms and started sulking. In fact, this may have been a conscious strategy by Sheppard for getting McKay's thoughts away from the closed space and the air running out to being miffed with him instead.

Both Sheppard and Grodin had been able to hack McKay's brain into making him feel better in a situation that was clearly causing him anxiety, and it is entirely likely that Sheppard knows about McKay's fear of being confined in a small space feeling like air is going to run out. Their strategies were different but Sheppard's was the more efficient one, diverting McKay's thoughts away from the experience. Annoyed with Sheppard, McKay had spared not a single thought to air running out and being confined in a small space. Here, as he tries to convince himself that there is more than enough air in the pods, he might also be trying to summon his internal Sheppard to give him more courage for the experience.

McKay: I hope. Now, the system should engage once you send me in. Teyla: Alright. McKay: Right. So, send me in? Teyla: Oh! Yes! Good luck. McKay: Right.

McKay and Teyla's exchange here just before McKay goes under can be contrasted with McKay and Sheppard earlier, the difference emphasizing the ease with which Sheppard and McKay communicate. Here, McKay expected Teyla to get that he wanted her to send him in by saying the words "once you send me in," but she was clearly waiting for some kind of a command or order from him to press go. McKay's exchange with Sheppard had been much more succinct:

McKay: Ready? Sheppard: I was! McKay: Good!

Also, note that there was no wishing of luck or anything that might be interpreted as a good-bye in their exchange because they have that on-going conversation and they never really leave each other, they just temporarily vacate each other's presence. In fact, the moment Sheppard came out from the pod, they picked up their conversation with:

McKay: So? Sheppard: Worked! McKay: Well course it worked!

All of this just emphasizes the ease of their communication, as well as the way they "talk as only a husband and wife can talk, that is, apprehending one another's thoughts and exchanging ideas with extraordinary swiftness and perspicuity, contrary to all the rules of logic, without the aid of premises, deductions, or conclusions, and in a quite singular way," as the communication between Pierre and Natasha is described in War and Peace. Teyla and McKay are close, they have worked with each other on the daily for over a year and live in each others' pockets. They are friends and colleagues. And yet their communication is completely different from the way Sheppard and McKay communicate. Here, Teyla and McKay finish their exchange as McKay goes under. Sheppard and McKay never finish their exchange.

Continued in Pt. 10

[pachimation]

lonely at the top

[lotus-pear]

last words..

[longingquiet]

SAM REID as Lestat De Lioncourt

Interview with the Vampire, AMC - Series 2, Episode 3

[5ummit]

The Winter Soldier in What If...? Season 2