#ep. the eye

[dr-futbol-blog]

Epiphany, Pt. 17

And so we join Sheppard in the warm afterglow of really good sex -- is what we might say if the purpose of this whole scene was not to demonstrate the opposite. Usually, when two people are falling in love and enter a sexual relationship, they cannot get enough of each other physically, emotionally, mentally.* This desire for closeness, for going at it "like bunnies," the inability to keep hands off of each other is all chemically induced and reinforced. It is meant to glue the newly forming couple together, to facilitate pair-bonding and make two individuals become a unit, a couple. We see this take place across cultures, even across species. When couples first start copulating, sometimes they can stay in bed for days, unable and unwilling to disentangle from each other even to have sustenance.

All of that is obviously not what has taken place between Sheppard and Teer. When we find them partaking in what is possibly communal breakfast the next day, Sheppard is not "all over" Teer. He is not seeking physical contact with her but by his placement at the table, whether he had sat down before or after her, seems to be putting distance between them instead. This is emphasized by the yellow rosettes seen at the start of the scene, being handed to Teer, yellow roses symbolizing friendship. Essentially, Teer is being friendzoned by Sheppard.

Sheppard: Haven't any of you seen thunderstorms? Avrid: The Sanctuary provides rain for the orchards. Sheppard: I'm talking about thunder and lightning. Giant bolts of electricity shooting down from the sky. Hedda: Sounds scary!

While he says "any of you," Sheppard seems to be having a conversation with Avrid, who is seated directly across from him. Hedda is seated by his side, also excitedly listening in on the discussion where a man dressed in red that we saw real close with the bearded gentleman earlier is seated by his other site (and the bearded man sits across from him, the two of them engaged in conversation). There does not seem to be any girl-boy-girl-boy logic to the seating arrangements, and if I had to venture a guess, Avrid had seated himself first, Sheppard had then parked himself across from him and Hedda had rushed in to secure a place by his side leaving only a place diagonally across from Sheppard for Teer. I have also mentioned the script in Western popular culture of the man bringing breakfast in bed for the woman following good sex (which is meant to advertise the man's potency as a provider), which is not what we see here. And we might think nothing of it had it not been for Sheppard's express wish that it were Avrid that brought him breakfast instead of Teer earlier. And so Sheppard having a conversation with the brother of the woman he seems to be ignoring could be construed as rude, especially if the sex was recent.

What Sheppard is saying is likewise interesting. We saw McKay having already entered the sanctuary in the previous scene and it seems as though this discussion coincides with McKay trying to figure out the day-night cycle and the artificial climate of the time dilation field. He even prefaces his comment with "You know, I was just thinking," as though to emphasize the fact that McKay and Sheppard are, once more, thinking about the exact same thing at the same goddamn time. And this kind of seems like a weird, out of the blue topic for Sheppard to be talking about with people who have never seen a storm in their lives given that what we learn here is that there has not been anything resembling a storm the whole time he has been here -- or ever. Where did he even get the thought? Which one of them originated the thought -- McKay or Sheppard?

Now, this seems like the kind of thing that McKay might well be thinking about, he would be interested in. But let us also recall that they had been literally struck by lightning ("Struck, was I, not yet by lightning...") when they had fallen in love, which is something that Sheppard may have been thinking about and remembering the previous night.

If Sheppard can think of giant bolts of electricity shooting down from the sky again in his life without thinking about this moment, it would be a real miracle. And if Sheppard has been thinking about this, as something must have made him recollect this moment (and we saw him starting to go through the goodies in his bag before Teer had told him to sit, indicating that he had wanted to spend some time going through the objects and remembering the people back home, the people who he cares about and who care about him), it seems as though his mind had grasped onto one of his core memories of McKay, one of the most important moments in his life; this man doing actual magic to save not only his life but the entire city that had become his home.

This is why McKay's shirt had been much, much more important to Sheppard than Teer's whole naked self; and we have got to raise the question here of whether he kept the shirt on or he took it off, whether she had allowed him to keep it on or had him take it off. Because whether he was wearing that shirt or not, McKay was indubitably there with them, in the bed or on the floor or where ever it had taken place. Try as she might, Teer would have been wholly unable to exorcise the ghost of Rodney McKay.

Sheppard: Well, it is scary, but it's also very cool. It's OK to be scared, it's part of life. You know, when I was a kid, we used to have storms that shook the house. Scared me half to death. Teer: When we are ascended, we will experience such things.

Now, sharing personal details about oneself is a sign of attraction and Sheppard has never precisely been Mr Overshare, he has always been stingy about telling anyone too much about himself. And here he is not only revealing something about his childhood, he is actually admitting that he was afraid of something, which is even more rare because he will seldom admit such things even to himself. The thing is -- he is so obviously not talking to her here. He is talking to Avrid, and even answering Hedda's question was just a sidetrack in his conversation with the man across from him. And Avrid too seems to be engaged in the conversation, smiling and leaning toward him. Sheppard seems to be avoiding looking at Teer, merely glancing at her briefly only to quickly look away. What ever had happened between them, he can barely look her in the eyes and it is not because he is being a bashful recently deflowered virgin here. He is uncomfortable and it is rather obvious that she is the source of his discomfort. And do note that he is still -- yes, still -- wearing McKay's goddamn t-shirt.

Assuming that what Sheppard is telling Hedda here is the truth and not just him trying to encourage her, what he says is also interesting. If these thunder storm that had shook the house had scared him half to death, it implies that he had been alone, that there had been no one there to comfort him during these times, to tell him that it was nothing to be scared of. Alone in a big house during a thunder storm would be frightening to a child, and may in part have contributed to those obvious abandonment issues of his. Given that it seems as though his brother had a different mother and their age difference not being that vast, Sheppard's mother seems to have passed away when he was fairly young and experiences like being left alone in a house during a thunder storm would contribute to a fundamental feeling of insecurity. Sheppard and McKay seem to have had very different childhoods, horrifying in different ways, but they seem to have come out of them with strikingly compatible sets of trauma.

Sheppard: Hell, if you're ascended, you can make thunderstorms! I'm talking about actually experiencing life. Avrid: We contemplate on the experience that is life each day. Sheppard: I'm talking about living it.

This is the coup de grâce. Sheppard's comment to Teer is not just dismissive but has such a bitter edge to it. We see her smile vanish, her eyes taking on that injured look again. What Sheppard is referring to here is Chaya - Athar - her ability to lash out at the wraith in a burst of lightning using the power of her mind. And what he is telling both them and us is that he does not care about that. He is not impressed. He would choose living a human life any day of the week. And this is such a dick thing to say to a woman you just had sex with; if we go by the mainstream interpretation of them just being two ships meeting in the night, he is being a huge asshole toward a woman whose only crime is that she is in love with him. Like Sheppard is being some dudebro, a love them and leave them kind of guy, who just wanted to bang her and now that he has had her, he wants to move on to his next conquest and wishes she would stop being so clingy (basically what took place in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Harsh Light of Day": she hooks up with a guy who was just looking for casual sex who then turns into an asshole when she gets clingy; it is cliché behaviour for college age guys looking for some notches to put on their belts, not grown-ass men).

Only, that is not even a little bit what had happened or why he is behaving like this. Him making the reference to Chaya here, the woman who basically had him under mind-control, tells us that he feels coerced by her, he feels like she took advantage of him in his vulnerable state. He feels used, and probably does not even admit to himself that he might have been violated. What ever he is feeling, it is obvious that it isn't good. He did not have a transformative, wonderful experience of making love with a beautiful, wonderful woman. This is not a man who has had that experience recently. No matter how you twist it, that is not what you get out of his behaviour here.

But at the same time, this tells us that his time with Chaya had taught him something. Meeting Chaya had made him do some soul-searching and he had arrived at the hard-earned life-lesson that he is now attempting to impart to these people. Life is better lived than contemplated. Life can be painful, frightening, disgusting, petty, horrifying, lonely, uncertain, frustrating and a thousand other thing, but he would still choose all of that over what these people have spent their entire lives attempting to achieve because that is what true emptiness seems like to him. Nirvana is the cessation of wanting but in loving and in making love he has received so much that he would not exchange the experiences he has had for anything. And these experiences, they were not had with this woman.

Sheppard: Haven't any of you got things you wanna do as flesh and blood human beings first? I mean, you-you talk about moving on to a plane of existence beyond your own mortality, but you haven't even really lived! Teer: Our lives are full.

Sheppard feels sorry for these people, he feels bad for them for never having experienced the kinds of things he has been able to experience, and the least of the things he has experienced in his life have not happened in the past years that changed not only his life but his entire view of the cosmos entirely. He has gained so much since McKay had told him to think about "where we are in the solar system" on the Antarctic base, and most of it he has been able to experience with the man that he loves truly and deeply and in ways that he would not exchange for a chance at ascension if he had the opportunity presented to him on a silver platter (as it soon will), if he got to make the choice a thousand times over.

Sheppard got to share in the essence of an ascended Ancient, he knows what that feels like. It feels like nothing at all because the person that he got to experience it with was the loneliest being he has ever met. He does not want that, that is what hell sounds like to him. Also, telling someone you have just had sex with "you haven't even really lived" is not exactly a stellar Yelp review for their skills in the bedroom. Teer is, understandably, getting defensive.

Sheppard: Well, I've spent a long time with you folks, and I don't think "full" means what you think it means. Avrid: To ascend, one must meditate. Sheppard: You're not meditating, you're hiding. Avrid: From what? Sheppard: You know the answer to that.

Sheppard is getting kind of personal here, using tough love to try to get through to these people. He is passing judgement on their way of life. The way he looks at Teer as he says "full" here makes it sound like the sex with her had not just been forgettable, it had been offensively bad. It is as though he is saying that he does not just regret it because she is the wrong person but because due to lack of experience, she just had no idea what she was even doing. He is being so harsh toward her here that you almost start feeling sorry for her. This is not what the aftermath of having sex with the love of your life should be like. She had been waiting for him her entire life, she had fantasized about him since she was a little girl and we can only guess that this part had not featured in her fantasies. It is difficult to imagine a man that had enjoyed the sex less than Sheppard is here right now, and it is ironic that this is one of the episodes that make some people interpret him as some kind of a space mack who gets all the girls. He does not seem to want "all the girls" any more than McKay does.

Also, with regards to that possible subtext of Sheppard having once been in love with the brother of the woman who would become his ex-wife, what he tells Avrid here, how bitter he sounds, there is definitely some personal history being rehashed here. All through his stay in this place, Sheppard had been wanting to get closer to this man and he would not let him, and Sheppard seems to think it had been out of fear, that the man had been afraid of his own feelings for him, and Sheppard knows a thing or two about what that life is like. It is possible he had been in love with a man that could not overcome his own internalized homophobia in his youth, and while homophobia as such probably does not even exist in this society, fear of their own feelings certainly does. All of them are repressing and trying to escape the thing that they fear. Getting rejected by someone due to their self-loathing has the unfortunate side-effect of them spilling that loathing also on the person attempting to get closer to them, and this is some hard-earned wisdom that Sheppard is attempting to impart on them, on him. What is obvious here is that Sheppard had wanted to get closer to this man and had been unable.

Teer: He means the Beast. Sheppard: Yes, I do. Now I don't know how any of you expect me to feel like I belong here, but every time that thing comes around, I'm out there alone. Teer: You're not alone.

Here, the mainstream audience is given reprieve, they are given the opportunity of interpreting this exchange here in a heteronormative context instead of what it was so obviously building toward. Teer offers up an explanation: he means the beast, as though she knows Sheppard so much better than her brother now that they have had sex that he is able to explain his meaning to Avrid, who seems uncomprehending. Avrid does not speak, he merely looks on at Sheppard, and he does not seem to buy Teer's explanation of what he meant here. And Sheppard's "Yes, I do" sounds like he was giving Avrid an out, not having meant to hash this out in front of the whole village and his little sister or niece at his side, to boot. It is none of his business anyway. So they might as well talk about the beast because that is also a thing that is still pissing him off. Note also that Sheppard full on admits that he has been feeling lonely here, and Avrid pulling away has certainly contributed to that.

And then, Teer's disposition, which had been getting steadily more somber as this discussion had progressed, suddenly seems devastated.

Sheppard: I know, you were out there too. Teer: No, I mean, your friends have come. They number five. They've come for you. Sheppard: They have? Are-are you sure? That's the best news I've-- Teer: No, John. I sense something more. The Beast is nearly upon them.

To add absolute insult to injury, as Sheppard thinks that Teer is saying that he is not alone because she is there for him, he is dismissive of her. And not just a little dismissive, he gives her the whole "men are talking now" dismissive hand flick while briefly looking at her as though to tell a child they have done well in the most condescending way possible. In Harmony (S04E14), Sheppard tells McKay that people often dislike in others what they dislike in themselves, and Sheppard certainly has the capacity to be more than a little condescending. For the life of me I cannot understand how anyone can come out of this episode thinking that Sheppard had enjoyed himself having sex with a beautiful Ancient. If anything, this scene confirms that when Sheppard is telling McKay about the woman who had taught him to meditate being "...very attractive," he is either not talking about her at all, or his comment was more about how he was feeling toward McKay right in that moment than it was about him reminiscing about his time here. Because damn.

And the absolute cherry on the sundae is how, as she tells him that his people have finally come for him, this man who has supposedly just had sex with a beautiful woman that thinks of him as "the one," who has loved him her entire life, who basically thinks he is a Disney Prince combined with Space Jesus, not only tells her that this is the best news he has heard the whole time he has been with them. Sheppard gets up and is willing to drop everything all at once right this goddamn minute to get back to them without sparing her or her people another thought. He is basically already on his way when she tells him that he needs to hurry. They are in danger. And why the beast comprising of the fears of the people sitting with Sheppard here should go after the people who have not contributed anything into its creation and among whom is the bravest man Sheppard knows (and the others are pretty brave, as well), is an interesting question. One that Sheppard has no time to ponder because as soon as he realizes they are in danger, he is off running like he has never run before.

Continued in Pt. 18

-* Sheppard and McKay seem to have started their physical relationship between The Defiant One (S01E12) and Hot Zone (S01E13), and the show had to put up an actual literal quarantine to keep the two of them from getting to each other during this time. They spent most of the season trying to keep them at different locations because they were on such an obvious collision course. Even now, almost exactly a year later, we see Sheppard more turned on by McKay holding a rod with a camera tied to it than this woman kissing him.

[cracklewink]

My Mane 6 Redesigns all together! I was going to post them separately but ended up finishing them all before I got around to it lol

[aquilaofarkham]

actually this is peak female character design

[shrews-art]

Ever here that's left in me is yours just as it was

[shedk1d]

Been cooking up so much TMA fan art

I’m almost finished my first listen, only 6 more episodes I’m so scared </3

[l13]

The loud thumping wakes you up, and you blink tiredly as the sound persists. You look at your ceiling for a second before you realize someone is knocking at your door. You groan, bringing your duvet over your ear as you snuggle in again.

“Leave me alone,” you mumble against your pillow as the knocking becomes more forceful.

Suddenly there’s silence, and when you finally think that whoever is bothering you has left, the knocking starts again.

You groan, cursing under your breath as you stand up, grabbing your gun from your vanity. You walk to your front door, opening it angrily.

“What-” your outburst dies down at your lips when you lock eyes with the last person you’d expected to see standing outside your apartment, but one you’d longed for, for years.

Your first instinct is to panic, there’s no way you were conscious. The person standing at your door was supposed to be dead.

So you raise your gun up, hand trembling, “This isn’t real.” you choke out, and Vander raises his hands slowly, opening his mouth to speak but you cut him off, “You’re not real, you’re not here.” There are tears dripping down your cheeks, the gun threatening to fall from your hand with how much you were shaking “Y-you’re dead, this can’t-” you clutch at your chest, heaving, and Vander’s hands grab at your shoulders when your knees buckle,

“My love,” The gun slips from your shaky grip and falls to the floor the moment the words leave his mouth. His voice, god fuck, his voice. You’ve dreamed of it, you’re certain you’ve heard it, back when the grief first clawed at your heart, when the illusions spilled into reality to try to mend what was broken.

But this sounded too real, and you gasped when his hand cupped your cheek, thumb wiping the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Darling, my darling girl. It’s me,” the sweet but rough sound of his voice sent shivers down your back, and you wanted to drown in it, you wanted to hear it again and again and again until you couldn’t anymore. You blinked rapidly, tears blurring your vision as your eyes danced across his features, the five bright white dots across his forehead would have confused you, if you weren’t on the verge of a panic attack.

You didn’t realize you’d raised your hand to cover his, until you felt the warmth of his hand under your skin. “S-stop, this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real,” you squeezed your eyes shut, whispering frantically in order to wake up from this sickly realistic dream, to end this before you woke up and missed his touch again. And yet you craved more, desperately running your hands down his sides, back up to his chest, his shoulders, his back.

God, he felt real, and he was so warm, not like the previous dreams you’ve had when he was always cold, just a silhouette of the man you loved. He even smelled like your Vander. A sob broke through you, and you threw your hands around his neck, crying against his chest. Even if this wasn’t real, you’d still take advantage of this opportunity to feel close to him one last time.

You tried not to cry harder when his arms immediately circled around your torso, hugging you tight to him as you both slipped down to the floor, “Shh sh, love it’s me. Please, look at me,”

“If I do then I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.” you muttered against his chest, nuzzling closer to him, “Let me have this, just for a moment.”

“You have me, forever.” His rough gravelly voice vibrated against your chest as he spoke, his breath hitting your ear as he nuzzled against your hair, his hands running up and down your back, spreading warmth everywhere.

Too real, too real, too real.

“I miss you so much. I-I can’t-” you take a shuddering breath in, “I can’t live without you. I need you back, please. Please, I’ll do anything.”

“My love, my heart. You beautiful, stunning creature. Look at me, I beg you.”

You could feel him leaning away just so he could cup your jaw, lifting your head up softly, so so softly.

Please.

“Look at me.” he mutters, the softness of his request filled with desperation. You slowly open your eyes, blinking away your tears, gaze immediately locking with his.

Your lips part as you take him in. The color of his eyes was much greyer than you remembered. You raised your hand to follow each feature, each wrinkle of his. After a moment, You brought your other hand up, as well, cupping both his cheeks in your hands, feeling his stubble prickle at your palms. “Vander… This- this can’t be real.” you move to pull away but he cups both your hands, keeping you in place, leaning his forehead against yours, “It can, it is. I’m here honey. I’m here.”

You can’t help but stare at his lips, watching them move as he speaks, your mind trying to make sense of what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling.

Please.

You can’t let yourself get too hopeful because this isn’t possible, and he seems to get it too, so he starts explaining.

He tells you everything. How he was on the verge of death, how a man, Singed, found him, turned him into something vile, but the mutation kept him alive, even if he wasn’t entirely himself. He tells you about how all he felt was pain, but you and the kids were the only thing in his mind the whole time, trying to block away everything else. Tells you about Powder, Vi, and Isha, how they found him, brought him somewhere, a colony of some sort. A man, the Herald, helped him, and “..honest to God he kind of scares me, but it-it didn’t matter then, and it doesn’t matter now because I’m here. I’m here with you.”

Please.

You don’t realize you’ve lost track of time until you’re looking at yourself. You blink quickly, eyebrows furrowing, but then you realize you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. Vander is still holding you tightly, and the side of your face is pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he whispers sweet nothings against the crown of your head. You stay there, listening to his voice and his heart for what feels like forever.

He grabs your shoulders, pulling you away from him just enough for him to look at you in the eyes, “Are you okay?” he asks, but his voice is muffled, sounding too far away. You blink slowly up at him and he frowns sadly.

“I missed you so much. Even in death I missed you, but I wasn’t selfish enough to wish I could see you again because that would mean you’d-” he cuts himself off, the strands of his hair moving as he shakes his head, eyes clenched shut as if to rid himself of that painful thought. “I-I’m here. I’m real. Darling, I’m alive, and I need you to know this.”

His eyes are pained as he stares down at you, once again cupping your jaw, thumb caressing your cheekbone “Say something.”

“I love you.”

His face immediately crumbles, eyebrows squeezing together as his tears start falling, and he tucks his head against the place between your neck and shoulder, crying as he squeezes you impossible tighter, “I love you.” he chokes out, and you feel him pepper soft kisses over your skin, the brokenness of his voice bringing fresh tears to your eyes as well.

You don’t know how long you stay tangled together like this, just holding each other, but Vander leans back suddenly, looking at you with so much adoration that it makes you want to scream. “Hi,” he mumbles, petting your hair softly, his other hand drawing circles on your back.

You start pressing soft kisses all over his face, not being able to contain your affection, and he closes his eyes, laughing giddily, the deep sound traveling over your skin, spreading warmth everywhere. God, you’ve missed this, missed him. “Hi.” you mutter, pressing one last kiss at the corner of his mouth.

His puffy eyes glance down at your lips, “Can I-”

“Please.”

He kisses you.

2024 © l13 | Do not steal, copy, edit, translate or re-post any of my works.

[incipientdreamer]

Hey Alice, how do you know what Sam and Celia were asked in their interviews? Hey Alice, how do you know Lena changed her style of job interviews? Hey Alice, how do you just *know* how to file cases when ypu don't even listen to them? Hey Alice, how do you already know Sam has a crush on Celia? HEY ALICE, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING FOR THE OIAR??

[time-woods]

well look who's back

this thing

[ohmaerieme]

thats strange.... this dr pepper is starting to taste like maternal instincts towards devin "dev" dimmadome

[kayascodelorio]

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022-) S02E03―No Pain

[potato-lord-but-not]

WHHGGGGGAGGHHHJHH they love each other so much it makes me ILL

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Storm/The Eye, Pt. 5

Believing that Weir is dead and McKay is in mortal peril, Sheppard proceeds to go on what amounts to a rampage.

The first scene of The Eye (S01E10) seems to continue the show's meta-commentary. McKay, brave toaster that he is and possibly at least partially motivated by the desperation that they can all hear in Sheppard's voice over the intercom, places himself between the gun and Elizabeth. The dialogue tells us what's going on (with the show and where it's heading):

Kolya: Sheppard put you in this position, not me. McKay: You can't do this. This is crazy. You need her! Sora: She's right, Commander. McKay: I'm not kidding. There are codes required to activate the shield – codes that only she knows. You can't do it without her! Well, you can't do this without me either. I mean, we're a package deal. You take us out of the equation and-and-and-and you don't have an end game.

The fact that Weir and McKay are a package deal is emphasized by their placement, McKay coming to stand in front of Weir and obstructing her. That is to say, the show needs to imply attraction between Weir and Sheppard to be able to explore the relationship between Sheppard and McKay in subtext, to blur the lines between the characters and their relationships. The first they could easily have done without the latter, but the latter they could never have pulled off without the former (re: the shows ties to the USAF and DADT still being a thing when it aired). It offers the cover of plausible deniability while allowing people attuned to homoerotic subtext to easily be able to recognize the narrative undercurrent.

Again, note that McKay is lying to save Weir, claiming that he absolutely needs her help to save the city. Also, it's Kolya mentioning Sheppard by name that initially makes McKay dive in front of the gun. He says "Sheppard put you into this position, not me" which has the implication that if McKay allowed Kolya to shoot Weir, Sheppard would have to live with the guilt of it for the rest of his life, and McKay wasn't about to let that happen. He hears Sheppard's name and he immediately reacts, does something really brave and heroic without even having time to think about it. Because, as I've discussed previously, he is a Big Damn Hero and this very characteristic of his is what Sheppard admires and loves in him so much, even though he doesn't even get to see it this time.

Halfway through his rant McKay realizes that he just put himself into jeopardy, and this is when he starts consciously doing the same thing he has been doing with the Genii ever since their first encounter: trying to convince them of his invaluability (and it's striking that it's always in the service of trying to save someone else, not just or even predominately himself). He has self-esteem issues, he doesn't actually believe he's invaluable. But probably since he was a child he's had to project invaluability, has had to prove to people that he is a valuable asset, to gain acceptance. He thinks that he will only be tolerated if he proves himself irreplaceable.

The characters continue lying to one another. Kolya lets Sheppard know that Weir is dead.

I want to point out two things. Where Sheppard was extremely agitated just a moment ago, willing to do anything, he is extremely and exaggeratedly calm when he tells Kolya that he is going to kill him. Of course he is very upset that Weir should have been killed on his watch. Of course he cares about Weir and is upset by this. But again knowing the outcome changed his demeanor. Sure, responding in a cool and collected way is a performance to hide the fact that he is internally shaken. But he still manages to pull it off.

Then Kolya continues with "Stay out of my way or McKay will join her." That is when we get a brief glimpse at how Sheppard is actually feeling, his internal conflict and anguish (and which is something that he has no intention of letting Kolya know, hence putting the radio down):

Now. My friends. When you desperately need something, you need something so badly that you're willing to kill for it, you start killing off things from the least important to the most important. Like when a parent starts counting down from ten when they're warning a child that unless they cease their behaviour, they're going to "get it". You don't start from one, you start from ten and count downwards.

If Kolya had thought that Weir was Sheppard's main motivation, he would not have started by killing her off. Never mind how important McKay may have been, you keep the ace up your sleeve as long as you can. And Kolya had decided that the ace up his sleeve was McKay, which is why he reminds Sheppard that he is, in fact, still very much holding him hostage.

Again, the main stream audience is going to watch the show thinking Sheppard's entire upset has to do with Weir and Weir alone. And yet we always seem to find McKay between references to Weir and changes in Sheppard's demeanor. And once more, given what we saw of their interaction in the previous episode (Sheppard barely saw Weir when the three of them were in the lab together; he was so focused on McKay it's as though she weren't even there for him; we've really had zero indication of him harbouring some hidden secret passion for her that would explain this reaction; she is not the love of his life and a budding interest would not even begin to explain his reaction here), it makes so much more sense to interpret this reaction and the events that follow as motivated by McKay. Especially in the context of him having lost Captain Holland to enemy combatants in Afghanistan, as we later learn.

Also notice that once Kolya mentions McKay, Sheppard doesn't respond. There are probably a hundred things he could have said, maybe even wanted to say. You can read it all on his face. But he doesn't say anything because he doesn't dare do anything that might provoke this sociopath further. He actually has to stop himself from saying something he might regret. He can't risk responding. Like, he physically has to force his hand down to keep from say something that McKay might end up paying for.

Sheppard was afraid that he wasn't going to be able to save the people he cares about from the storm before, but this is a whole new kind of fear. This is a nightmare of the kind he had never even thought to have. But he's going to move heaven and earth to save the man. He's even willing to kill to save him. Kill a lot of people to save him, as it turns out.

And it is also noteworthy that he immediately springs into action, here. We've seen previously how characters are incapacitated when they lose someone important to them (cf. Cowen sitting down with his legs giving way when he mourns Tyrus). Sheppard is the opposite of incapacitated (in fact, we see him incapacitated in this particular fashion in Doppelganger, S04E04, when he thinks McKay is dead, so we see what Sheppard is like when he's lost the most important thing to him; he's slow, sluggish, going through the motions). This is not a man going through the motions, this is a man on a mission.

Again we get a transition from Sheppard's emotion to the raging storm to indicate that there's a storm also raging within him. The storm is a metaphor for what's going on inside him. And the calmness with which he then proceeds to take out the Genii is him being in the eye of the storm. Because the show is subtle with the symbolism like that.

Sheppard is moving fast, he's being strategic. He's not someone that's blinded by rage on a revenge mission because someone just killed the love of his life. He's also not acting reckless, putting himself needlessly in danger and this is not because he has some payback to do and someone to kill but because he has someone to save. You can contrast all of this with Sora's behaviour later on with regards to her vengeance against Teyla.

He even stops to check his watch at one point because he remembers McKay's words about them being under a time element, that there's a deadline looming over them all -- this is reinforced by the fact that the previous time Sheppard checked his watch, it was on the balcony right after McKay had just checked his watch (unwittingly mirroring someone's actions, again a sign of attraction; although synchronizing watches is also a very military thing to do, to be sure) and told them they have just over four and a half hours until the storm hits.

We are literally told that it's McKay he's thinking about when he stops and actually asks himself, "What would McKay do?" Again reminding us of the fact that for Sheppard, McKay is a hero. That McKay is constantly on his mind.

I also need to emphasize that he is killing actual people here. Yes, they're enemies but they are also human. This is the first time we see him kill humans after the mercy killing of Col. Sumner.

McKay starts fixing the grounding station and it's really quite sweet how he attempts to make it look like Elizabeth is vital to the process to keep her alive. It's not that he's trying to be a hero, it just comes naturally to him. He's not very good with people, though, so Elizabeth both has to explain to him that they need to stall and to actually lie on his behalf. When they overhear that Sheppard has killed some of the Genii strike force over the intercom, it's again only McKay's reaction that we get to this, not Weir's. He made a mental note of it albeit he does not seem to know what to think of it. Sheppard is alive, yes. He's being hunted by people with guns. And he's having to do terrible things.

McKay really is quite rattled, never having been in this kind of situation before. And it's interesting that Weir uses Sheppard to kick McKay into gear. She actually mentions Sheppard by name: "Look, from the sound of it, if we can buy Sheppard enough time, it seems like he can take care of the rest of them on his own." Not only had she figured out that this is what would motivate McKay the best, she is actually getting him to focus by appeasing him, pointing it out to him that Sheppard is really doing quite well for himself out there. She's not telling him that they're going to be alright, she's telling him that Sheppard is safe. Because for some reason she thinks that that's what will motivate him.

And Kolya does the opposite. He's trying to demoralize them by mentioning Sheppard by name: "If you're hoping Major Sheppard can diminish our numbers, you are mistaken." And notice that he is saying this to McKay. He glances at Weir a few times but when he is saying this, he is looking directly and only at McKay. An angel and a devil on his shoulders, they're both using Sheppard to get to him. I find that really interesting. Now, Weir knows him and has been able to observe them for a while now. But these people are complete strangers to Kolya, and he's still figured it out.

Now, if earlier Sheppard had to stop himself from saying something that might cause McKay trouble, McKay seems to be doing the same thing. And keeping quiet isn't the easiest thing for him, does not come to him naturally. But he keeps quiet because he's trying very hard not to make things worse for the Major.

If both Kolya and Weir are using Sheppard to motivate McKay, Sheppard himself is using McKay to motivate himself:

He has a dilemma here. He's trying to think of what McKay would do in his situation but he's come across explicit instructions from McKay not to do what he's thinking about doing. That's quite the pickle! (Also hilarious that the sign can be read as implying that touching McKay is dangerous, telling him not to do it). Are you thinking about touching McKay right now? Because this is not the time, my friend.

From the pleased look on Rodney's face, Sheppard was able to correctly intuit what he would have done in the situation when he shuts down the naqada generator. It's like they're working together as a team even when they are apart.

Continued in Pt. 6

[pachimation]

lonely at the top

[lotus-pear]

last words..

[longingquiet]

SAM REID as Lestat De Lioncourt

Interview with the Vampire, AMC - Series 2, Episode 3

[esperfraud]

When John keeps gaslighting himself into believing that he became attached to humanity because of a random nurse and not because of Arthur