#ep. the eye

[dr-futbol-blog]

Grace Under Pressure, Pt. 1

The episode in which McKay spends most of his time having a discussion seemingly with his own hallucination gives us a lot of insight into his mind. Grace Under Pressure (S02E14), the title a reference among other things to Ernest Hemingway's definition of what courage is, once again separates Sheppard and McKay, and it is really rather obvious that they spend the entire episode trying to get back to each other. The episode is also thematically so similar to 38 Minutes (S01E04), where the action likewise mostly takes place within a malfunctioning jumper, that it may serve as another confirmation that the episode would have worked best after the mid-season finale (between The Eye and The Defiant One). This is clearly the best time in the season to have this kind of claustrophobic character study that deals with the fall-out of events of more action-heavy episodes that the characters have not had time to deal with.

As the episode opens, we find McKay on a jumper doing some kind of tinkering, alone together with an older pilot that we have never seen before. Given his age, it is possible this man has the authentic gene and had been chosen for the expedition because of that rather than for being the best of the best when it comes to piloting. And given that we never saw him on the original staff, he must be a newcomer and hence someone that Sheppard had personally chosen for his command. While we do not know how he wound up chauffeuring McKay now, it might also be that he had been personally chosen for this particular mission by Sheppard given that he seems to be trying really hard to make nice with McKay, to engage him in conversation.

Griffin: So, let me ask you something. As a scientist, does it bother you that most of your work, no matter how brilliant, will eventually be considered misguided? 'Cause that would bother me. McKay: I'm sorry?

If we recall, we ended the previous episode with Zelenka telling McKay to not even speak to him, this being a common occurrence in the life of Rodney McKay. This pilot seems to be enough of a chatterbox that McKay is actually attempting to use his abrasive personality to get him to shut up for a moment because he can't think with the man's mouth going off. We do not know what the man's personality is like on the usual but based on what we see him do the brief time that we get to know him, it is rather obvious he had to have been ordered by Sheppard to do two things: to engage in friendly conversation with McKay and to safeguard him with his life. And this is not the first time we see a pilot behave this way toward McKay when for one reason or another he is not being piloted by Sheppard. In The Siege (S01E19), on a mission that Sheppard had wanted to join McKay but had been unable, the pilot Miller acted both friendly and protective toward McKay -- and in both of these cases, it is doubtful McKay himself was what inspired these feelings in the people under Sheppard's command.

We cannot be sure how long McKay and his chauffeur have been alone together but apparently they are returning from the mainland so it must have been at least some hours, and definitely long enough for what McKay sees as the man's inane chattering to have started chafing on him. Later on, similarly alone together in the closed space of jumper, Zelenka asks Sheppard to stay quiet and not bother him while he is working because he cannot concentrate, which seems to upset Sheppard somewhat. There is clearly a mismatch here because McKay has learned how to work while Sheppard is talking his ear off and Sheppard likes talking to McKay while he is working away, but Zelenka is not McKay and Griffin is not Sheppard.

Also, while Griffin is probably just being curious and making small talk, he is, likely inadvertently, undermining McKay's entire profession and professional career, and although he is not wrong, it is also not something that McKay cares to be thinking about. Worrying about his legacy is not going to help him save the city, knowing that one day everything he has accomplished is ashes and dust is doing nothing to give him incentive to keep pushing. Riding that Nobel wave has brought him nothing but pain. And again McKay displays that Canadian politeness, telling the man he is sorry when he is not sorry at all and actually means that he wants him to stop talking.

Griffin: Well, given enough time, everything's pretty much proven wrong, right? McKay: No. Griffin: Everything from the Earth being flat, to the sun revolving around us. McKay: Well, if you wanna go back hundreds of years! Griffin: Scientists get it wrong more times than they get it right. Take the tomato.

Griffin is waxing philosophical and McKay's Engineer's mind is not really interested in pursuing this line of thinking. However, try as he might he cannot stop himself from engaging just because he thinks the man is being so offensively stupid when he is not really even wrong. Having spent over a year in the city of the Ancients and more time than that studying the technology of the Ancients, McKay knows better than anyone else how little they actually know about the universe and how limited their understanding of the science of the Ancients is. They have revolutionized science many times over and most of his colleagues back on Earth are basically working in the equivalent of a flat Earth heliocentric model because they have to keep their discoveries a secret from the general population. And McKay himself is proving old paradigms wrong all the time. But he feels defensive here, thinking that the man is accusing him of being wrong when McKay's entire identity is constructed on him being able to use his knowledge and expertise to earn approval from people.

The mention of the tomato is interesting here, especially in the context of this particular episode, and we may note that the word is given room to breathe here, there is a clear pause after Griffin mentions it that is meant to give the audience time to chew on the thought. To give the audience the chance of wondering why they are talking about tomatoes in the first place. In gay slang, tomato refers to a gay man that comes across straight either unintentionally or by design -- straight-passing. Tomato is often erroneously considered a vegetable because it looks and tastes like one where it is actually a fruit. Relevant to what happens later is that McKay has been projecting straight guy who is offensively and lewdly interested in women in the military context so long that it has become a second nature to him. McKay, contracting for the military, has been forced to or has chosen to project the image of a straight man and hence he is what is called a tomato in gay slang. This whole conversation is so out of place that if it was not meant to remind us of the fact that McKay does this, I do not know what the point is.

McKay: Excuse me? Griffin: Well, after the conquest of Mexico in 1519, tomatoes were carried eastward to Europe, where they were believed to be poisonous. McKay: Shouldn't you be concentrating on what you're doing? Griffin: I've got it covered. You worry about you.

Griffin waxing poetic about the tomato is enough of a non sequitur that he seems to jam McKay's brain entirely for a moment. Of all the things that he thought he would be having a conversation about today, the conquest of Mexico was not among them. What Griffin is telling him may be correct but it is not altogether fair. Tomato is a part of the nightshade family and in Europe, nightshades such as henbane, deadly nightshade or Belladonna and mandrake were mainly used in witchcraft and in poisoning people, and hence them having been cautious with the new plants is reasonable. Also, tomatoes are toxic. They contain three different kinds of toxins: tomatine, solanine and antropine, and eating unripened tomatoes or the green leaves and stems of the plant can be deadly. It is not that they erroneously believed tomatoes to be poisonous but that they are delicious enough to eat regardless. The reward is worth the risk. Griffin seems very confident in his opinion where the scientists studying the tomatoes had a more nuanced understanding of the concept.

Now, Griffin is actually there only to fly McKay around as he checks to see whether the jumper has been fixed to the extent that it can be taken back into rotation but instead of telling him to shut up and focus on the flying, McKay is still being polite about it, trying to get the man to understand that he needs to stop talking on his own. He asks him "Shouldn't you be concentrating" when he means "Please concentrate." And this may be relevant for later because the pilots are connected to the jumpers via a neural interface and everything that they think (even subconsciously, as we saw during Condemned S02E05 -- and this may well be the same jumper that had been shot down then) has tangible, physical effects in the real world. McKay has been spoiled by flying with Sheppard because before now, he had not even had to be worried about something going wrong because of the pilot's mind wondering. This man seems to have the kind of cavalier attitude toward safety and security that McKay cannot stand in people working for him, and although Griffin does not seem to be among the people working directly under him, he is definitely planning on having a talk with Sheppard about this later on.

McKay: I am worried about me! This is the first flight this thing has had since it was shot down and repaired. It deserves all of your attention. Griffin: It made it to the mainland. If anything was gonna go wrong, it would have gone wrong by now. It took the Italians and the Spaniards to realise that tomatoes are, in fact, delicious. McKay: Good for them.

So, there are a few jumpers that have been shot down but given that they said that the jumper shot down with Markham and Smith in The Brotherhood (S01E16) was "lost," the jumper that Sheppard flew into the hive in The Siege (S01E20) got done blown up, and the jumper that Ford had stolen was not shot down (and whether they were ever able to retrieve it or not, we do now know), there are not that many options for which jumper this is. The likeliest candidate for which jumper this is is the one shot down on the prisoner colony in Condemned (S02E05) that they may have been able to retrieve after the planet was culled. The intensity with which McKay says "shot down" suggests that he had very much been on the jumper when it had been shot down and he was not looking for a repeat experience in the form of a crash landing here.

But let us note the fact that even though McKay says that he is worried about himself, and he certainly is, he is also worried for Griffin and for anyone else that might use the jumper later. He, too, is a worrier which is what Sheppard had told Ronon in the episode in which this jumper had been shot down. Relevant to what happens in this episode is this: Sheppard's final command when the jumper had been shot down had been for it to protect McKay by any means necessary which we can see in the fact that he was the only one of them that survived the crash with nary a scratch on him. And because he had thought that they were going down, Sheppard had thought that really hard. Ergo what we have here is a malfunctioning jumper with a single focus on keeping McKay safe from harm.

Griffin: Columbus was Spanish. He figured out the Earth was round. McKay: He was Italian. Griffin: So I wonder what it is that makes Spaniards so good at debunking bad science.

While Griffin seems like an honestly inquisitive guy who is interested in how the world works, McKay is able to debunk him using high school history and while as an Engineer he might have some passing interest in how they had navigated their ships to the New World, he has little interest in sciences so soft that he does not even consider them science, like history. There is a parallel hiding in here to the Lanteans essentially being colonizers that have taken over the City of the Ancestors and, although we do know of what kind of pathogens the earthlings brought with them, unleashing the wraith on the unsuspecting populations of this galaxy is sure comparable to the genocide(s) committed by the Europeans. Griffin confidently recites common misconceptions, the least of which is not Spain's reputation of being at the cutting edge of science, least of all the kind of science that McKay cares about (but some of the most famous historical gay scientist of the Early Modern Period were Italian, as it were). And because the man is so confidently wrong and beholden to his beliefs, it is difficult for McKay to get a word in edgewise, and there may be a metaphor here.

Griffin: You're not Spanish, are you? McKay: Oh, yes, of the Barcelona McKays! Now, if you don't mind... What is it? Turbulence? Griffin: The inertial dampeners on this thing should smooth that out.

That Griffin means well is displayed here and while McKay seems frustrated to no end, by asking him if he is not Spanish the man seems to be saying that he believes that McKay is great at debunking bad science. He believes McKay to be a great scientist. To him being Spanish was high praise and he wanted to extend this to McKay. Also, by engaging McKay he shows us that he is not merely having a monologue but is actually having a conversation with McKay, how ever much he might be wishing for the pilot to shut up. This is somewhat ironic, given how he himself had been talking about his hirsute aunt and Margaret Thatcher to everyone's chagrin when the jumper had originally gone down.

Also, McKay seems to take offense at being thought of as Spanish because of his obviously Gaelic name, displaying again the ambiguous feelings he seems to have toward his own ancestry and probably also that at least his father had taken pride in it and had wanted to pass this pride unto his son. And the fact that McKay clearly took offense at what Griffin was saying is not necessarily unrelated to the jumper suddenly malfunctioning. It is not in reaction to Griffin because he seems to be calm and in control so it must be McKay's own sudden outburst, the fact that he seemed to be in distress and his stress levels were probably spiking that made the jumper try to resolve the issue in the only way it could think of, which was by taking it down.

Griffin: What the hell? McKay: Right drive pod's intermittently switching to reverse thrust. Griffin: Cut it. I can drive with just the left pod. McKay: It's not recognising any of my commands. Griffin: Brace for impact. McKay: What? Griffin: We're going down! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

And so they lose control of the jumper and go down. There are a few important points here. For one, it had been the jumper's left drive pod that had originally been damaged so Sheppard must have been trying to bring them down using the right drive pod, short bursts of reverse thrusts slowing their impact. He did not do it consciously because he too had lost control of the jumper before it went down, but it is rather clear that his final command had been to keep McKay safe -- and the jumper had managed to do that using the right drive pod. Here, the jumper is attempting to recreate those conditions because by doing it, it had managed to protect McKay previously. Also important is that both here and later on, the jumper refuses to acknowledge McKay's commands when they go against this prime directive of keeping him safe. While it is the jumper malfunctioning that gets him into this mess, the jumper itself is also working extra hard to keep him safe and alive.

Continued in Pt. 2

[cracklewink]

My Mane 6 Redesigns all together! I was going to post them separately but ended up finishing them all before I got around to it lol

[alliekitaguchi]

Watching Matt Mercer cry into Liam O’Brien’s arms just weeks before their 10 year anniversary after Liam and Brennan successfully pulled off the reveal that Matt was playing the All-Hammer, the god of creation and legacy in Exandria, in the world Matt made over twelve years ago for Liam’s birthday, is one of the most touching things I’ve ever seen.

[shrews-art]

Ever here that's left in me is yours just as it was

[aquilaofarkham]

actually this is peak female character design

[shedk1d]

Been cooking up so much TMA fan art

I’m almost finished my first listen, only 6 more episodes I’m so scared </3

[l13]

The loud thumping wakes you up, and you blink tiredly as the sound persists. You look at your ceiling for a second before you realize someone is knocking at your door. You groan, bringing your duvet over your ear as you snuggle in again.

“Leave me alone,” you mumble against your pillow as the knocking becomes more forceful.

Suddenly there’s silence, and when you finally think that whoever is bothering you has left, the knocking starts again.

You groan, cursing under your breath as you stand up, grabbing your gun from your vanity. You walk to your front door, opening it angrily.

“What-” your outburst dies down at your lips when you lock eyes with the last person you’d expected to see standing outside your apartment, but one you’d longed for, for years.

Your first instinct is to panic, there’s no way you were conscious. The person standing at your door was supposed to be dead.

So you raise your gun up, hand trembling, “This isn’t real.” you choke out, and Vander raises his hands slowly, opening his mouth to speak but you cut him off, “You’re not real, you’re not here.” There are tears dripping down your cheeks, the gun threatening to fall from your hand with how much you were shaking “Y-you’re dead, this can’t-” you clutch at your chest, heaving, and Vander’s hands grab at your shoulders when your knees buckle,

“My love,” The gun slips from your shaky grip and falls to the floor the moment the words leave his mouth. His voice, god fuck, his voice. You’ve dreamed of it, you’re certain you’ve heard it, back when the grief first clawed at your heart, when the illusions spilled into reality to try to mend what was broken.

But this sounded too real, and you gasped when his hand cupped your cheek, thumb wiping the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Darling, my darling girl. It’s me,” the sweet but rough sound of his voice sent shivers down your back, and you wanted to drown in it, you wanted to hear it again and again and again until you couldn’t anymore. You blinked rapidly, tears blurring your vision as your eyes danced across his features, the five bright white dots across his forehead would have confused you, if you weren’t on the verge of a panic attack.

You didn’t realize you’d raised your hand to cover his, until you felt the warmth of his hand under your skin. “S-stop, this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real,” you squeezed your eyes shut, whispering frantically in order to wake up from this sickly realistic dream, to end this before you woke up and missed his touch again. And yet you craved more, desperately running your hands down his sides, back up to his chest, his shoulders, his back.

God, he felt real, and he was so warm, not like the previous dreams you’ve had when he was always cold, just a silhouette of the man you loved. He even smelled like your Vander. A sob broke through you, and you threw your hands around his neck, crying against his chest. Even if this wasn’t real, you’d still take advantage of this opportunity to feel close to him one last time.

You tried not to cry harder when his arms immediately circled around your torso, hugging you tight to him as you both slipped down to the floor, “Shh sh, love it’s me. Please, look at me,”

“If I do then I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.” you muttered against his chest, nuzzling closer to him, “Let me have this, just for a moment.”

“You have me, forever.” His rough gravelly voice vibrated against your chest as he spoke, his breath hitting your ear as he nuzzled against your hair, his hands running up and down your back, spreading warmth everywhere.

Too real, too real, too real.

“I miss you so much. I-I can’t-” you take a shuddering breath in, “I can’t live without you. I need you back, please. Please, I’ll do anything.”

“My love, my heart. You beautiful, stunning creature. Look at me, I beg you.”

You could feel him leaning away just so he could cup your jaw, lifting your head up softly, so so softly.

Please.

“Look at me.” he mutters, the softness of his request filled with desperation. You slowly open your eyes, blinking away your tears, gaze immediately locking with his.

Your lips part as you take him in. The color of his eyes was much greyer than you remembered. You raised your hand to follow each feature, each wrinkle of his. After a moment, You brought your other hand up, as well, cupping both his cheeks in your hands, feeling his stubble prickle at your palms. “Vander… This- this can’t be real.” you move to pull away but he cups both your hands, keeping you in place, leaning his forehead against yours, “It can, it is. I’m here honey. I’m here.”

You can’t help but stare at his lips, watching them move as he speaks, your mind trying to make sense of what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling.

Please.

You can’t let yourself get too hopeful because this isn’t possible, and he seems to get it too, so he starts explaining.

He tells you everything. How he was on the verge of death, how a man, Singed, found him, turned him into something vile, but the mutation kept him alive, even if he wasn’t entirely himself. He tells you about how all he felt was pain, but you and the kids were the only thing in his mind the whole time, trying to block away everything else. Tells you about Powder, Vi, and Isha, how they found him, brought him somewhere, a colony of some sort. A man, the Herald, helped him, and “..honest to God he kind of scares me, but it-it didn’t matter then, and it doesn’t matter now because I’m here. I’m here with you.”

Please.

You don’t realize you’ve lost track of time until you’re looking at yourself. You blink quickly, eyebrows furrowing, but then you realize you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. Vander is still holding you tightly, and the side of your face is pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he whispers sweet nothings against the crown of your head. You stay there, listening to his voice and his heart for what feels like forever.

He grabs your shoulders, pulling you away from him just enough for him to look at you in the eyes, “Are you okay?” he asks, but his voice is muffled, sounding too far away. You blink slowly up at him and he frowns sadly.

“I missed you so much. Even in death I missed you, but I wasn’t selfish enough to wish I could see you again because that would mean you’d-” he cuts himself off, the strands of his hair moving as he shakes his head, eyes clenched shut as if to rid himself of that painful thought. “I-I’m here. I’m real. Darling, I’m alive, and I need you to know this.”

His eyes are pained as he stares down at you, once again cupping your jaw, thumb caressing your cheekbone “Say something.”

“I love you.”

His face immediately crumbles, eyebrows squeezing together as his tears start falling, and he tucks his head against the place between your neck and shoulder, crying as he squeezes you impossible tighter, “I love you.” he chokes out, and you feel him pepper soft kisses over your skin, the brokenness of his voice bringing fresh tears to your eyes as well.

You don’t know how long you stay tangled together like this, just holding each other, but Vander leans back suddenly, looking at you with so much adoration that it makes you want to scream. “Hi,” he mumbles, petting your hair softly, his other hand drawing circles on your back.

You start pressing soft kisses all over his face, not being able to contain your affection, and he closes his eyes, laughing giddily, the deep sound traveling over your skin, spreading warmth everywhere. God, you’ve missed this, missed him. “Hi.” you mutter, pressing one last kiss at the corner of his mouth.

His puffy eyes glance down at your lips, “Can I-”

“Please.”

He kisses you.

2024 © l13 | Do not steal, copy, edit, translate or re-post any of my works.

[incipientdreamer]

Hey Alice, how do you know what Sam and Celia were asked in their interviews? Hey Alice, how do you know Lena changed her style of job interviews? Hey Alice, how do you just *know* how to file cases when ypu don't even listen to them? Hey Alice, how do you already know Sam has a crush on Celia? HEY ALICE, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING FOR THE OIAR??

[time-woods]

well look who's back

this thing

[balfeys]

“today is not about her”

*proceeds to shield her from falling bricks and yearn for her the whole episode*

[ohmaerieme]

thats strange.... this dr pepper is starting to taste like maternal instincts towards devin "dev" dimmadome

[dr-futbol-blog]

Coup d'État, Pt. 6

We then get to what has to be the strangest part of the episode as, in spite of what we have witnessed during the past several scenes, Sheppard having made damn sure that McKay would not come to any danger from the Genii, we now find them alone together on the Genii home world. And indeed Sheppard had only just confirmed in the previous scene that he had been thinking about his and McKay's last encounter with the Genii in The Brotherhood (S01E16), of how their absolute monster of a commander had held McKay's life over his head and how, while he very much did not want to die now that he had only just found the love of his life, he had come to realize with absolute certainty that he would give up his own life so that McKay might live -- he had been thinking of this very thing, of his conversation with McKay over the mechanism that Kolya was hoping would kill him, and he had been thinking about it immediately before we now find them here. Why ever would Sheppard bring him here, to the proverbial lion's den? McKay himself seems baffled by the decision, which we can hear in his confused and agitated tone as he follows Sheppard through a dark and damp corridor to their underground city.

McKay: You know, I'm not sure that you've... sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I don't know how much use I'd be in a... fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.

We may note that Sheppard and McKay are basically alone together even though they are surrounded by Genii guards, and let us note that we have not seen them alone together since Critical Mass (S02E13), whence we had found Sheppard waiting to meet up with McKay, the two of them then heading together to parts unknown but probably to McKay's quarters for some... recreation, having a bit of downtime. While we got a few scenes of them alone together toward the beginning of the season when they were more on the outs with each other, and truly private moments only when Caldwell was in the city in Trinity (S02E06), connected to this episode through Teyla and Ronon's side quest (that again teaches us something about Sheppard and McKay; Ronon's baffled question to Dr. Lindsay: "You went alone with her?" his question to the barkeep: "Who are you trying to protect?" are questions we might be asking Sheppard right about now), and on Ford's planet in The Lost Boys (S02E10), when Sheppard took in after a rattled McKay to calm him down -- but otherwise we have been bereft of such scenes.

They are rare treats indeed, and we may note that when ever we do get to see such scenes, they are always the exception and not the rule. This is not business as usual between them. There always has to be some attenuating circumstance that allows us to get a glimpse of this private world shared by them. Some people take this as an example of how Sheppard regards McKay, how he thinks about him, how he ordinarily, normally treats him when that could not be further from the truth. Sheppard could not be further from his normal behaviour toward McKay as he is here, and that is the reason we get to see them alone together now, however briefly. The moment between them is unguarded, yes, but Sheppard very much has an entire rampart of defensive walls up, shielding us from his feelings.

Regardless, we do learn things about them through their interaction here. The scene is important, especially as regards what is going on with Sheppard. For one, we learn that Sheppard has been training McKay in actual combat. McKay says that he does not think Sheppard has been training him "sufficiently" for him to be able to help Sheppard fight his way out of the secret underground city of the Genii with just the two of them as, for some unfathomable reason, we do find the two of them here, now, alone and without back up. But Sheppard has been training him. We had learned before in The Siege (S02E01) that McKay thought he had gotten pretty good at doing forward rolls, we saw him perform a sniper crawl in Instinct (S02E07), and we have seen that he is proficient in firing a gun on numerous occasions (of which The Long Goodbye (S02E16) was not a representative example), and Teyla suggested in Conversion (S02E08) that Sheppard had been practicing stick fighting with someone other than her.

So, it is obvious that Sheppard has been teaching McKay "actual combat" for a good long while now, McKay just thinks that it isn't enough for this particular situation. And the reason we have never seen any example of this, and we will not see Sheppard training McKay in the future either, is because the two of them know each other's bodies in ways that could not be concealed during something like that. Their intimacy would necessarily come through, no matter how on the outs they might be at the time. But this, here, is confirmation that it has been going on. Sheppard has been teaching, and McKay has been learning.

McKay also seems to have been more than happy to be taught these things, and to be taught these things by him. Being a member of Sheppard's team is important to McKay, and he takes the responsibility seriously, he wants to be fit for field work. His soft middle, as we got to see it earlier, did nothing to hide the obvious musculature underneath. And make note of the fact that McKay is not saying he would not follow Sheppard into a "fight-our-way-out kind of scenario," clearly that is precisely what he has been both willing and ready to get into for Sheppard from the very beginning, he is merely saying that he is unsure of how well he is going to perform in the eventuality that they will be called upon to do that. He will try his best, for sure, but it may not be enough.

But at the same time, although we learn momentarily that Sheppard had told McKay everything they had learned from Ladon (unless McKay had actually been listening in on their conversation with Ladon via Sheppard's ear piece, which is also a viable possibility), McKay does not seem to understand why Sheppard had taken him on this particular mission with him -- and him alone. We do not even know whose idea it had been for McKay to tag along, his or Sheppard's, although it seems as though they had discussed the topic between them before coming. We had only just learned that Sheppard has proficient Special Ops guys that he could have taken with, since he had obviously felt like he had to make the visit to the Genii high command personally. He could have taken an entourage with him, for example consisting of the big burly marines he had escorting Ladon -- not that it would necessarily have made any difference, being that he had to go straight to the snake pit.

But clearly McKay is confused by Sheppard's choice here. And while Sheppard may have been thinking of the old Vulcan proverb of "Only Nixon could go to China," figuring that McKay is valuable enough for both the Lanteans and the Genii that taking him with would actually serve to safeguard Sheppard, it would seem... out of character for Sheppard to use McKay in such a way, basically as a human shield for himself, especially since he is more than willing to put himself up as a human shield for McKay. Sheppard had been protecting McKay from the very concept of the Genii all the livelong day -- so what gives? What changed? Sheppard does offer McKay an explanation, but not one single thing he says in it is true:

Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours. McKay: Yes? Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine. McKay: Oh, funny. Sheppard: Don't worry -- if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

McKay is an asset, Sheppard knows that. McKay is not just the most important thing to him personally but is someone valued both by the Genii and t he Lanteans. We may recall that during The Siege (S01E20), Sheppard had not just been willing to let Weir go to the Genii home world alone and without an escort, he had actually done that very thing. During the time, Sheppard had been personally occupied sweeping the building hosting the control chair from the last of the wraith guerillas, taking personal responsibility for keeping McKay safe. Sheppard had sent all of his men to secure other parts of the city but no one was getting to where McKay was working, not a single soul, beyond himself and Ford, the young soldier he trusted but was still using as bait, to make sure they got the last of the wraith.

Sheppard had not just not cared that Weir had to go alone, he hadn't even cared enough to put together an escort for her, but he had not spent a single second even thinking about her safety during her mission to score them some nukes. Her safety was not a priority for him, not at a time when he needed all of his resources in securing McKay's safety, and even then he knew that it might not be enough. Sheppard had personally guarded McKay and had allowed Weir to face the embittered and recently culled Genii alone. But now, when he had felt like he had to go to the Genii alone, he had chosen not to actually go alone but had wanted and/or needed McKay to accompany him. He was asked to do the same thing that Weir had been called upon to do but for some reason, he had felt like he needed McKay to accompany him. And the question still remains -- why?

McKay had expressed his uncertainty to Sheppard, had let Sheppard see his apprehension, even fear that he was trying not to broadcast too loudly. McKay was concerned, and Sheppard was well aware of this. And so, ever unable to not try to make McKay feel better, Sheppard does something that we have seen him do before (very successfully in Before I Sleep (S01E15) when he had stopped McKay from spinning down a dark existential path by mocking the death of his alternate timeline self), which is to trigger McKay's sense of indignation which he knows will completely override his fear. When McKay is offended and annoyed at him about it, taking what he says as a personal slight, he will completely forget that he was ever even supposed to be afraid. Sheppard finds McKay's mind as easy to hack as McKay can hack their computer systems. There is none that knows McKay better than he does. As Sheppard tells him "The way I see it" here, it is not actually the way he sees things, it is not the way he personally sees things at all, it is all designed for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of McKay.

If one does not understand how Sheppard functions, it might be easy to see the situation as the polar opposite of what it actually is. One might think he is protective of Weir, given that we saw him take a shot at Kolya when he was using her as a shield in The Eye (S01E11), whereas he had told McKay to shut up while they were threatened by the same man in The Brotherhood (S01E16). But in fact Sheppard had only been able to take the shot at Kolya because it was not McKay, because McKay's life being threatened paralyzes him with fear. It is easy for Sheppard to act as a swashbuckling hero when there is less on the line but when he is truly afraid, he is very cautious at making any moves lest he make the wrong one, he does not want his own actions to cause harm on the person he cares about. Sheppard had let Weir traverse into Genii territory alone but even though he has brought McKay with him now, he would never have let McKay go to them alone. It is seeing that reflection in Weir that allows us to view Sheppard's feelings toward McKay even when he is trying so hard to hide them.

What Sheppard says about McKay's "big old brain" being of interest to the Genii may be true but what is not true is that it is the way Sheppard "looks at it". The way he looks at it is that the Genii have tried to kidnap McKay numerous times and he has been trying to take precaution against that happening again ever since the first time the Genii were mentioned in this episode. The Genii have not just wanted to mine McKay's brain, they have purposefully tried to use him against Sheppard several times, and it could very well be that he thinks the safest place for McKay to be is right next to him, where he can see him, where he can make sure that no one can get to him without Sheppard knowing about it. Also, Sheppard's mention of McKay's big old brain connects to his earlier mention of the fact that he could have been Mensa, which indicates that when he is talking about trading McKay's life for his own here he actually means the opposite, that he will use his own life to bargain for McKay if it comes to that -- and not even for the first time with the Genii. Also, although Sheppard himself is likely not thinking about that right now, McKay's big old brain is not the only big old thing that he appreciates about the man (although that he would never share with other people).

McKay's response to Sheppard's line about trading his life for his own is a deadpan "Oh, funny," indicating that he both thinks that Sheppard was kidding (Right? Right?), and that he does not find it very amusing. McKay does have notoriously poor self-esteem but it is doubtful that he thinks Sheppard is being serious here, even if some people take scenes such as this as indication of Sheppard not even liking McKay, that he finds McKay a nuisance when he is not performing some kind of magic science to save all of their asses, and irrelevant at best. But again, this is not normal behaviour for Sheppard, this is Sheppard in a foul mood such as we have rarely seen him before. And while he may not intend to hurt McKay, merely to irk him enough to forget being afraid, what he says here nonetheless is hurtful to McKay.

And it might be even doubly so if Sheppard and McKay ever had that discussion about how much Sheppard had hurt McKay by trying to sacrifice his life for him. If they have had that discussion, McKay had communicated his heartfelt plea for Sheppard to never to do that again, at least not without him, then Sheppard's flippant response here might come across both callous and cruel. And while it may not be Sheppard's intention to hurt McKay, he is having such a bad day that he seems to have real trouble not taking it out on everyone around him and hence, because he just feels so damn jaded, he takes a dig at McKay that goes deeper than he means it to. The guy who had been ready to sacrifice his life for McKay a few months ago is now talking about trading his own life for his, hilarious. It reminds him of the side-splitting hilarity of Sheppard offering to trade his sense of humour for beans back in Underground (S01E07), their first encounter with the Genii.

And just to underscore, everything that Sheppard says here is a lie. He does not think that McKay's value is only in his brain or that he would use McKay to get an advantage. He would never trade his own life for McKay's, and if McKay was in some kind of trouble he would mount a rescue immediately, like we have seen him do before, and he would worry himself sick over his safety and well-being. And if McKay did not survive… This whole exchange, Sheppard trying to project nonchalance and indifference so hard here because he cannot deal with the thought of McKay dying. He is in complete denial about it. He has brought McKay with him to one of the most dangerous places he knows because he is unable to come to grips with how much the thought of losing McKay frightens him.

Cowen: Doctor McKay! Oh, and it's Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard now, I hear. Sheppard: Somebody's been paying attention. Cowen: I'm afraid I don't have much time, but please tell me, what can I do for you? Sheppard: Well, we're just checking in, saying hi, since we really haven't been in contact since the last culling. Cowen: We barely survived the last culling...

Cowen, the leader of the Genii rounds a corner and puts an end to the exchange the two of them were having, making their way forward in the narrow and dark hallway where we may note that Sheppard was leading the way, using his body to shield McKay, and where he felt the need to turn back and look at McKay while they were talking, which we have seen him do before. Using his own body to protect McKay and needing to see his face when they are talking is consistent behaviour from Sheppard. When he shakes Cowen's hand, Sheppard also draws his hand behind his back so as not to have it between himself and McKay while they stand there side by side.

It is notable that Cowen mentions McKay first. Sheppard has certainly been a thorn in the side of the Genii but McKay is more important to them, had been purported to become a hero among their people if he had helped them finish their bomb, and since the Genii place value on weapons of mass destruction and know McKay to be the foremost expert in them in the galaxy, they do put value on his life. Cowen's demeanour is friendly but disingenuous, and McKay does not seem to know how to take it whatsoever, seeming completely unnerved by the about face of this absolute madman. Cowen greets Sheppard as Lieutenant Colonel, and although it had been mentioned he has spies all over the galaxy, the fact that Cowen knows this about him really should have tipped them off about Ladon being a double agent. Although Sheppard has obviously been using his new title liberally, since the Genii do not really have any knowledge of Earth titles it was only Sheppard using his title to quip at Ladon that would have communicated that he had, in fact, been recently promoted. Cowen is polite in mentioning it but none too stealthy about where he gets his information. But Sheppard does not seem to catch up on this, seeming both proud and pleased that someone would take the time to acknowledge his promotion and simply having no bandwidth left for the cloak and dagger of it all.

While Cowen and Sheppard are both playing pretense and they know they are both doing it, negotiations between parties often requiring a veneer of fiction that both parties understand to be a fiction, McKay on the other hand seems incapable of putting on a pretense. And because he knows Sheppard is lying, he can barely keep the knowledge that his compatriot is lying under wraps. He is clearly uncomfortable, he is afraid of Cowen and probably a little bit hurt by what Sheppard had just said to him, and so he merely listens to the other two talk, standing by Sheppard's side like it was his rightful place. While not a diplomat, Sheppard is making an effort at coming across as personable, using his charming persona to try to get on the good side of the Genii. It is difficult to tell how well it is working as their leader is not only smarmy but is humouring the Lanteans because it fits with his own plans. One of the objectives of this meeting was to establish whether Cowen is power hungry galactic emperor to be, and while Sheppard is fairly good at reading people, Cowen is a difficult man to pin down.

Cowen: I can't help but think how close to extinction we came as a people. Our former ambitions have been tempered by the real world, I'm afraid. We've been busy trying to fulfill our people's most basic needs. McKay: You know, we could help with that. Sheppard: Yeah, with supplies, even manpower. Cowen: And why would you do that? Sheppard: Well, we probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the nukes you gave us, so we owe you one. Cowen: We are a proud people, Sheppard, but we do know how to accept help when we need it.

Listening to the harrowing tale of how the Genii had barely survived the culling McKay suddenly pipes in, having completely forgotten to be afraid again. We can see his compassion, the way McKay genuinely cares about people when his brain is not otherwise occupied, and unlike Sheppard, McKay is honest in offering their help to the Genii, seeming to have completely forgotten all of their previous encounters in his need to do something for a people that are suffering.

Sheppard is not as quick to forget, but he takes McKay's suggestion and runs with it, elaborating on it even though he is not quite as genuine with his offer as McKay. The way Sheppard emphasizes the word "manpower" is curious, almost like he is insinuating something or at the very least subtly making it clear that Atlantis has superior manpower, they have men enough to even spare. And it is true, in a sense, since Earth seems to have more people than the entire Pegasus galaxy put together. There is often a subtext to such political meetings, and like Teyla had pointed out to Ronon in Trinity (S02E06), the words that are spoken are often meaningless. It is the intent of the parties that is significant, and Sheppard is reminding Cowen of the fact that they are a force to be reckoned with.

Cowen is suspicious of their motives, knowing the sordid history between their peoples. The Genii would never have helped the Lanteans unless there had been something in it for them. Sheppard admits that they probably would not be there today if it hadn't been for the Genii, and while he is talking about Atlantis, it is also true of the two of them, of Sheppard and McKay. For both good and for ill, they would not be in the place they are right now if it had not been for the Genii nukes. The nuke that Sheppard had flown into the hive had gone ways into ascertaining their survival, but it had also severely damaged their relationship and they were still, to this day, trying to pick up the pieces of what had been broken then. Sheppard seems nonchalant as he says these things, but he is deeply affected. We can see by his careful enunciation of the words, the way he actually performs his facial expressions that he is trying very, very hard to keep hold of his emotions. What he is referring to here, it had been one of the most difficult moments of his entire life and he is making it sound like he is describing a walk in the park. And while Sheppard is grateful for the Genii for providing them with the nuke, he is never going to trust them.

Sheppard: And on that note, we've been contacted by a Genii named Ladon. Cowen: Ah! At last the real reason why you're here. What has he been saying? McKay: Oh, something about... Sheppard: ...conquests of other worlds using your atomic weapons. Cowen: He's been telling the Manarians that I've been slaughtering our own people for food. Ladon blames me for Kolya's disappearance...

With the pleasantries out of the way, Sheppard finally gets to the topic that they had actually come here for, which was to let the Genii know of the planned coup against them, and he makes the transition smoothly enough. Note that when he says "we have been contacted," he looks at McKay because although he is obviously referring to Atlantis, for him "we" means most of all himself and McKay. Cowen of course at least thinks that he knows all about it so he too is having to act (badly) like this is both news to him that the Lanteans would know about it but also that he is well abreast of the insurrectionist elements within his people. He also goes a little overboard in describing the kinds of lies that Ladon might have been telling about him because the reference to slaughtering his own people for food is a case of the lady protesting too much. He wanted to jump ahead of the accusation and just managed to make himself look guilty, kind of like a husband telling his wife "I didn't cheat with your sister!" before anyone even had the chance of volleying accusations against him, she was only asking where he had been.

And if that is something that the Genii really had been forced to do following the culling of their home world, if they had actually been in straits as dire as to require them to resort to cannibalism, it is not only pretty dark but also may explain why they seem so desperate to neutralize the Lanteans. And the face that McKay makes here, the small nervous laugh when he says this indicates that he does not quite know what to think about this. He does not know whether it was a joke or the grim reality of things, and he is pretty sure he does not even want to know. They had faced some hard times on Atlantis but never that bad.

But important here is the fact that Sheppard seems to have told McKay about what Ladon had said to an extent that McKay thinks he knows all of it, and the fact that we find the two of them literally finishing each other's sentences again is evidence of this. It is a callback to Underground, where we first saw Sheppard and McKay begin to do this, how they were developing this mental accord between them, started speaking as though they were of one mind. This, Sheppard picking up what McKay is laying down is definitely the hallmark of two people who are very close to each other. What is more, even though Sheppard probably had not brought McKay on for this reason, it is actually fortunate for him that he had because McKay's responses are so genuine that they actually rub off on Sheppard, they make Sheppard's disingenuous demeanour come across as more honest because McKay is unwittingly corroborating what he is saying. Even here, the two of them are working very well together -- much better than either could do alone.

Cowen: -- and while, yes, it's true I neither respected nor liked the man, I had nothing to do with his presumed demise. Anything he tells you is a lie. Sheppard: He's trying to mount a rebellion. Cowen: Let him try. He commands a couple of dozen men and has no weapons to speak of. Believe me, the city's plumbing is of more concern to me right now. But still, you didn't have to tell me. Apprising me of Ladon's plans was the act of a friend. Sheppard: Well, if you want to contact us, we have a new number.

Cowen mentions Kolya, and Sheppaard keeps his face perfectly schooled. He does not let on a single thought or emotion even though, like we saw earlier when Ladon had mentioned his name, Sheppard definitely has a lot of negative emotions connected to the guy. Cowen tells them that he neither respected nor liked Kolya, possibly as a ploy to get into Sheppard's good graces. What their personal relationship had been like, we do not know and it is not Cowen's intention of actually revealing anything about himself to them, merely to try to play to their sympathy.

But while Sheppard definitely did not like Kolya, he could at the very least respect him. Kolya was a worthy adversary, a shrewd and cunning warrior who had known how to play him like a fiddle. Sheppard definitely had respected him, and Cowen telling him that he had no respect for a man that Sheppard both knew not at all and knew intimately well tells him that Cowen is a fool. He thinks that Cowen is a fool and probably suspects that he would have been unable to kill Kolya, or at the very least would have needed to use some underhanded way of neutralizing him. Sheppard hates Kolya but he can, at the same time, think that the man deserved a better end than assassination at the hands of some power hungry buffoon. Cowen may have intended for this to endear himself to Sheppard, but it has the opposite effect.

Sheppard very pointedly does not react to what Cowen says about Kolya, he skips right on over it and coolly mentions that Ladon is planning a coup. That is what they had come here to tell Cowen, as a gesture of good will. Given that Cowen knew about Ladon approaching the Lanteans, this is partially a test of their loyalty and given that they had come to rat out the man who had offered them something that they seem to desire very much, the Lanteans pass this test with flying colours. For some reason, Cowen mentioning the city's plumbing concerning him makes Sheppard smirk and he and McKay exchange a look which is then followed by Sheppard looking down, seeming abashed. This has to be in reference to something that is known only to the two of them, either because there has been some issues with the plumbing on Atlantis or because they figured it for innuendo of some kind. What ever it is, they seem to agree this is neither the time nor the place to be thinking about it, and so Sheppard plasters on his fakest smile and tells Cowen to get in touch with them when ever. Hopefully never.

Cowen: I've known for some time that Atlantis survived the wraith attack, Colonel Sheppard. I hope you'll accept it as an act of good faith that your secret is safe with the Genii. My men will see you to the gate. McKay: Well, that was refreshing! He didn't try to kill us even once!

Cowen's assurances that the secret of their survival is safe with the Genii does not seem to make Sheppard feel any better, and he certainly does not feel good knowing that the Genii had been onto their ruse for a while now and he had no idea. The Genii had been keeping tabs on them without their knowledge and there had not been even a hint, had been nothing to alert them to the fact that they were being watched.

And this does not bother Sheppard just because it concerns the security of Atlantis but it is a blow to him, personally. If the Genii can spy on them without their knowing, who else might be observing them without them having any idea about it? And what else had the Genii seen? They tried to be careful being around each other, but it was impossible to be careful all the time. If a whole planet was able to keep track of them, what chance did they have of keeping what ever they had hidden from people on Atlantis? Having found this out, it had shaken Sheppard's sense of security, his feeling of control over his environment. Sheppard did not feel safe, and he did not feel like he could relax himself around McKay, and he hated this so much. Where McKay looks awed and relieved when he shakes Cowen's hand, Sheppard looks deeply sad. He almost looks like he is about to cry.

It seems like Sheppard is actually choked up enough as to be unable to speak as Cowen bids them farewell, and we see from the set of his mouth that he is trying to keep many different feelings from spilling out, most of all his fear. it is now that it is starting to seem like they might be able to walk out of here no worse for wear that he is actually allowing himself to feel some of it, just like it had been only after they had reached McKay at the bottom of the ocean that he had allowed himself to feel the full fear of almost having come to lose him. McKay makes a good-natured comment, sounding pleased that their visit had gone so well, and Sheppard can only cock his eyebrow, and this seems to be an example of that wordless communication between them. Sheppard does not say anything to McKay using his voice and his words but it seems like McKay is still able to get his meaning perfectly.

Sheppard and McKay both lean into each other's space here, and we may note that they turn to leave by turning toward each other, just like always. But I want to call attention to the camera work here. Sheppard and McKay walk toward the camera close to each other in the narrow corridor and then stand next to each other, turn toward each other and leave, and throughout this scene there is nothing at all that comes between them. We have two examples of the camera dividing Weir and Sheppard from each other, the two of them coming from different sides of the camera, and these scenes are in contrast. Most people will not pay attention to the technical composition of scenes but it is clear that they are creating distance between Sheppard and Weir and maintaining a sense of intimacy between Sheppard and McKay, and again no one is forcing them to compose the shots like this, it is something they have chosen to do. They are contrasting Weir and Sheppard with Sheppard and McKay, to create a sense of more intimacy existing between the latter.

So why had Sheppard brought McKay with him? Sheppard cares about McKay's safety, that much is obvious. He did not bring McKay with him to put him in jeopardy. But neither would be use McKay to ascertain his own safe passage, trusting the Genii to value McKay sufficiently to not want to harm him unduly. It may be true, but Sheppard would not use someone he loves in such a way. And yet, even though McKay may have extracted some promise from Sheppard that when in situations of certain doom, they would face death together -- it certainly seemed at the start of the season, in The Intruder (S02E02) that Sheppard sacrificing himself without consulting McKay had been discussed between them, that they had made some pact to face danger head on together -- and yet it may be not for McKay's benefit that Sheppard had brought him along, but for his own.

Sheppard harbours a lot of fear, and it seems like the more he has learned to care about people, the more fear he has in his life. Occasionally his fear is overpowering, and in spite of all his strategies for dealing with fear, he is barely able to keep it at bay. Sheppard needs McKay because to him, McKay is brave. It is McKay's bravery and courage that he needs here, walking into the lion's den. McKay is not afraid to show his fear and choose to walk up to the gates of hell with him anyway, which makes him a braver man than Sheppard could ever be. And he needs that by his side, he needs McKay to make him strong and unafraid when he is feeling anything but.

Continued in Pt. 7

[kayascodelorio]

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022-) S02E03―No Pain

[potato-lord-but-not]

WHHGGGGGAGGHHHJHH they love each other so much it makes me ILL

[thebluespacecow]

mr Needs to be Needed needing to be needed

[aureachaos]

There's something so funny about Grian just standing above watching the chaos and death he caused unfold