#ep. the eye

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Storm/The Eye, Pt. 5

Believing that Weir is dead and McKay is in mortal peril, Sheppard proceeds to go on what amounts to a rampage.

The first scene of The Eye (S01E10) seems to continue the show's meta-commentary. McKay, brave toaster that he is and possibly at least partially motivated by the desperation that they can all hear in Sheppard's voice over the intercom, places himself between the gun and Elizabeth. The dialogue tells us what's going on (with the show and where it's heading):

Kolya: Sheppard put you in this position, not me. McKay: You can't do this. This is crazy. You need her! Sora: She's right, Commander. McKay: I'm not kidding. There are codes required to activate the shield – codes that only she knows. You can't do it without her! Well, you can't do this without me either. I mean, we're a package deal. You take us out of the equation and-and-and-and you don't have an end game.

The fact that Weir and McKay are a package deal is emphasized by their placement, McKay coming to stand in front of Weir and obstructing her. That is to say, the show needs to imply attraction between Weir and Sheppard to be able to explore the relationship between Sheppard and McKay in subtext, to blur the lines between the characters and their relationships. The first they could easily have done without the latter, but the latter they could never have pulled off without the former (re: the shows ties to the USAF and DADT still being a thing when it aired). It offers the cover of plausible deniability while allowing people attuned to homoerotic subtext to easily be able to recognize the narrative undercurrent.

Again, note that McKay is lying to save Weir, claiming that he absolutely needs her help to save the city. Also, it's Kolya mentioning Sheppard by name that initially makes McKay dive in front of the gun. He says "Sheppard put you into this position, not me" which has the implication that if McKay allowed Kolya to shoot Weir, Sheppard would have to live with the guilt of it for the rest of his life, and McKay wasn't about to let that happen. He hears Sheppard's name and he immediately reacts, does something really brave and heroic without even having time to think about it. Because, as I've discussed previously, he is a Big Damn Hero and this very characteristic of his is what Sheppard admires and loves in him so much, even though he doesn't even get to see it this time.

Halfway through his rant McKay realizes that he just put himself into jeopardy, and this is when he starts consciously doing the same thing he has been doing with the Genii ever since their first encounter: trying to convince them of his invaluability (and it's striking that it's always in the service of trying to save someone else, not just or even predominately himself). He has self-esteem issues, he doesn't actually believe he's invaluable. But probably since he was a child he's had to project invaluability, has had to prove to people that he is a valuable asset, to gain acceptance. He thinks that he will only be tolerated if he proves himself irreplaceable.

The characters continue lying to one another. Kolya lets Sheppard know that Weir is dead.

I want to point out two things. Where Sheppard was extremely agitated just a moment ago, willing to do anything, he is extremely and exaggeratedly calm when he tells Kolya that he is going to kill him. Of course he is very upset that Weir should have been killed on his watch. Of course he cares about Weir and is upset by this. But again knowing the outcome changed his demeanor. Sure, responding in a cool and collected way is a performance to hide the fact that he is internally shaken. But he still manages to pull it off.

Then Kolya continues with "Stay out of my way or McKay will join her." That is when we get a brief glimpse at how Sheppard is actually feeling, his internal conflict and anguish (and which is something that he has no intention of letting Kolya know, hence putting the radio down):

Now. My friends. When you desperately need something, you need something so badly that you're willing to kill for it, you start killing off things from the least important to the most important. Like when a parent starts counting down from ten when they're warning a child that unless they cease their behaviour, they're going to "get it". You don't start from one, you start from ten and count downwards.

If Kolya had thought that Weir was Sheppard's main motivation, he would not have started by killing her off. Never mind how important McKay may have been, you keep the ace up your sleeve as long as you can. And Kolya had decided that the ace up his sleeve was McKay, which is why he reminds Sheppard that he is, in fact, still very much holding him hostage.

Again, the main stream audience is going to watch the show thinking Sheppard's entire upset has to do with Weir and Weir alone. And yet we always seem to find McKay between references to Weir and changes in Sheppard's demeanor. And once more, given what we saw of their interaction in the previous episode (Sheppard barely saw Weir when the three of them were in the lab together; he was so focused on McKay it's as though she weren't even there for him; we've really had zero indication of him harbouring some hidden secret passion for her that would explain this reaction; she is not the love of his life and a budding interest would not even begin to explain his reaction here), it makes so much more sense to interpret this reaction and the events that follow as motivated by McKay. Especially in the context of him having lost Captain Holland to enemy combatants in Afghanistan, as we later learn.

Also notice that once Kolya mentions McKay, Sheppard doesn't respond. There are probably a hundred things he could have said, maybe even wanted to say. You can read it all on his face. But he doesn't say anything because he doesn't dare do anything that might provoke this sociopath further. He actually has to stop himself from saying something he might regret. He can't risk responding. Like, he physically has to force his hand down to keep from say something that McKay might end up paying for.

Sheppard was afraid that he wasn't going to be able to save the people he cares about from the storm before, but this is a whole new kind of fear. This is a nightmare of the kind he had never even thought to have. But he's going to move heaven and earth to save the man. He's even willing to kill to save him. Kill a lot of people to save him, as it turns out.

And it is also noteworthy that he immediately springs into action, here. We've seen previously how characters are incapacitated when they lose someone important to them (cf. Cowen sitting down with his legs giving way when he mourns Tyrus). Sheppard is the opposite of incapacitated (in fact, we see him incapacitated in this particular fashion in Doppelganger, S04E04, when he thinks McKay is dead, so we see what Sheppard is like when he's lost the most important thing to him; he's slow, sluggish, going through the motions). This is not a man going through the motions, this is a man on a mission.

Again we get a transition from Sheppard's emotion to the raging storm to indicate that there's a storm also raging within him. The storm is a metaphor for what's going on inside him. And the calmness with which he then proceeds to take out the Genii is him being in the eye of the storm. Because the show is subtle with the symbolism like that.

Sheppard is moving fast, he's being strategic. He's not someone that's blinded by rage on a revenge mission because someone just killed the love of his life. He's also not acting reckless, putting himself needlessly in danger and this is not because he has some payback to do and someone to kill but because he has someone to save. You can contrast all of this with Sora's behaviour later on with regards to her vengeance against Teyla.

He even stops to check his watch at one point because he remembers McKay's words about them being under a time element, that there's a deadline looming over them all -- this is reinforced by the fact that the previous time Sheppard checked his watch, it was on the balcony right after McKay had just checked his watch (unwittingly mirroring someone's actions, again a sign of attraction; although synchronizing watches is also a very military thing to do, to be sure) and told them they have just over four and a half hours until the storm hits.

We are literally told that it's McKay he's thinking about when he stops and actually asks himself, "What would McKay do?" Again reminding us of the fact that for Sheppard, McKay is a hero. That McKay is constantly on his mind.

I also need to emphasize that he is killing actual people here. Yes, they're enemies but they are also human. This is the first time we see him kill humans after the mercy killing of Col. Sumner.

McKay starts fixing the grounding station and it's really quite sweet how he attempts to make it look like Elizabeth is vital to the process to keep her alive. It's not that he's trying to be a hero, it just comes naturally to him. He's not very good with people, though, so Elizabeth both has to explain to him that they need to stall and to actually lie on his behalf. When they overhear that Sheppard has killed some of the Genii strike force over the intercom, it's again only McKay's reaction that we get to this, not Weir's. He made a mental note of it albeit he does not seem to know what to think of it. Sheppard is alive, yes. He's being hunted by people with guns. And he's having to do terrible things.

McKay really is quite rattled, never having been in this kind of situation before. And it's interesting that Weir uses Sheppard to kick McKay into gear. She actually mentions Sheppard by name: "Look, from the sound of it, if we can buy Sheppard enough time, it seems like he can take care of the rest of them on his own." Not only had she figured out that this is what would motivate McKay the best, she is actually getting him to focus by appeasing him, pointing it out to him that Sheppard is really doing quite well for himself out there. She's not telling him that they're going to be alright, she's telling him that Sheppard is safe. Because for some reason she thinks that that's what will motivate him.

And Kolya does the opposite. He's trying to demoralize them by mentioning Sheppard by name: "If you're hoping Major Sheppard can diminish our numbers, you are mistaken." And notice that he is saying this to McKay. He glances at Weir a few times but when he is saying this, he is looking directly and only at McKay. An angel and a devil on his shoulders, they're both using Sheppard to get to him. I find that really interesting. Now, Weir knows him and has been able to observe them for a while now. But these people are complete strangers to Kolya, and he's still figured it out.

Now, if earlier Sheppard had to stop himself from saying something that might cause McKay trouble, McKay seems to be doing the same thing. And keeping quiet isn't the easiest thing for him, does not come to him naturally. But he keeps quiet because he's trying very hard not to make things worse for the Major.

If both Kolya and Weir are using Sheppard to motivate McKay, Sheppard himself is using McKay to motivate himself:

He has a dilemma here. He's trying to think of what McKay would do in his situation but he's come across explicit instructions from McKay not to do what he's thinking about doing. That's quite the pickle! (Also hilarious that the sign can be read as implying that touching McKay is dangerous, telling him not to do it). Are you thinking about touching McKay right now? Because this is not the time, my friend.

From the pleased look on Rodney's face, Sheppard was able to correctly intuit what he would have done in the situation when he shuts down the naqada generator. It's like they're working together as a team even when they are apart.

Continued in Pt. 6

[cracklewink]

My Mane 6 Redesigns all together! I was going to post them separately but ended up finishing them all before I got around to it lol

[aquilaofarkham]

actually this is peak female character design

[shedk1d]

Been cooking up so much TMA fan art

I’m almost finished my first listen, only 6 more episodes I’m so scared </3

[incipientdreamer]

Hey Alice, how do you know what Sam and Celia were asked in their interviews? Hey Alice, how do you know Lena changed her style of job interviews? Hey Alice, how do you just *know* how to file cases when ypu don't even listen to them? Hey Alice, how do you already know Sam has a crush on Celia? HEY ALICE, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING FOR THE OIAR??

[time-woods]

well look who's back

this thing

[ohmaerieme]

thats strange.... this dr pepper is starting to taste like maternal instincts towards devin "dev" dimmadome

[kayascodelorio]

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022-) S02E03―No Pain

[potato-lord-but-not]

WHHGGGGGAGGHHHJHH they love each other so much it makes me ILL

[pachimation]

lonely at the top

[lotus-pear]

last words..

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Brotherhood, Pt. 11

Sheppard places his hands on the pedestal and out pops the ZPM from the wall in front of him. We get another close-up shot of gently laying a hand on something, which seems to be a theme in this episode. For some reason, they want us to see these two men in particular touching things in a tender, somewhat erotic fashion. Sheppard is touching the thing we saw McKay touch earlier, which makes them touch by proxy. If we compare the two scenes, Sheppard is much more hesitant as he has seen touching kill a man. This may be symbolic of how they have approached more than just the ancient puzzle.

Sheppard's fingers seem to be longer than McKay's but their hands still fit together perfectly.

As the ZPM pops out from the wall we also get a reaction shot from Sheppard and McKay alone, and not from any of the other characters. Sheppard lets out a breath that he had apparently been holding in, and this whole thing is honestly pretty suggestive. You don't need to read layers of subtext to understand what this is a metaphor for. He found... release for his tension. They both did.

McKay seems to be likewise out of breath, and as excited as he is to see an actual ZPM which may be a key to saving them from the wraith in addition to just being an object of great interest to him as a scientist, he turns to look at Sheppard instead. And the look on his face expresses awe. We see the briefest flicker of relief on Sheppard's face.

Kolya approaches the object, his attention focused on it even though he does not really understand what it is, and McKay steps around Sheppard to get closer to him probably to make sure that he doesn't accidentally break it or something. But this gives Sheppard an opportunity to proceed with his original plan.

He gives Teyla and Ford a nod, and they spring the flash bangs while only the three of them know to cover their eyes and ears against the stunning effect. Make note of the fact that again a part of the story happens only through looks and body-language, and if you're not paying attention to them, you are missing a portion of the story. Before Sheppard gives the order, he does the thing with his lips that seems to be a self-soothing technique. He is preparing to take out Kolya, and hopes that no one catches any stray bullets. He is especially worried about McKay, as we shall soon see.

While he ducks down, he does actually place himself between the flash bang and McKay although it seems to do very little to shield him from its effects. As everyone else in the room is temporarily stunned, they proceed to take out Kolya and his men.

Teyla and Ford take out the others where Sheppard focuses on Kolya. It's good that he does, too, as even stunned he is a very dangerous man and manages to land a couple of strikes on Sheppard. We have actually seen him training blind-folded so it tracks that he would be able to put up resistance even after being blinded. It is only the fact that the P-90 is more familiar to Sheppard and he has training in using it that sways the bout in his favour.

The very first thing Sheppard does? The very first? Is to check up on McKay. While Teyla and Ford are still taking out Kolya's men, while he really should be keeping his entire attention on Kolya and keep him literally in his cross hairs, while he's still catching his breath, he checks up on McKay who has been blinded by the stun grenade like everyone else. Like, he actually takes his eyes off Kolya to glance at McKay:

McKay: What the hell just happened? Sheppard: Are you okay? Allina: Yes. Thank you. Sheppard: Sorry, Rodney. I had no way of telling you what was coming.

The thing is, Allina responds to him like Sheppard had in any way intended his question to include her. Like he had even been remotely aware of her existence just then. When he asked the question, his entire world had narrowed down to two things: Kolya and McKay. He was not asking them if they were alright, he was asking McKay in particular. And as she answers the question he wasn't asking her, he has to specify who he is talking to by mentioning Rodney by name. His first instinct is to check up on McKay, and his second instinct is to apologize for what he had to do to keep him safe. He doesn't even really ignore Allina, she's just not at all on his radar. Like, they actually want us to come to this conclusion by how he mentions Rodney's name getting a response from the wrong person for his first question.

What a strange thing to emphasize if we are to believe they are just co-workers. The more dangerous we believe Kolya to be, the more significance it puts on Sheppard's actions here. He cares about McKay so damn much. And not just about his physical well-being but also his emotional well-being. Of everything and everyone currently in the chamber, Rodney McKay is the most important to John Sheppard.

So, yes. McKay responds by whinging which probably tells Sheppard that he is not seriously injured. Having been forced to let McKay get hurt does not feel good to him so as he tells McKay to get the ZPM, his tone is more about his self-incrimination than directed toward McKay (we can compare this scene for when he, however unintentionally, shoots McKay in Phantoms (S03E09); the blame he lays on himself is crushing). There's someone he wants to protect and keep safe--at this point, it's not even hyperbole to say more than anyone else in this whole damn galaxy--and he has been called to put this person in danger.

As relieved as he is to hear that McKay seems to be fine (through his actions, if not his words), he should never have let any of this happen in the first place. But above anything else, by telling McKay to get the ZPM he is once more giving him a task, giving him an occupation to focus on, which Sheppard knows by now is the best way to get McKay through a potentially traumatic experience. We saw him do this at the end of The Defiant One (S01E11), and we will see him do it again. You can tell that he's doing it for the benefit of McKay by how he removes his eyes from Kolya for the second time to look at him as he does it. Also, he knows getting his hands on a ZPM is like Christmas morning to McKay, so he does not want to miss seeing that.

And, as to underline this point, McKay notices Kolya eyeballing him from his position on the floor where he is held at gunpoint by Teyla, so he tells him: "Don't look at me". He hadn't been in on this. But he is drawing attention to the person who was just looking at him and not at Kolya. And, as McKay gets the ZPM and they prepare to get out and Sheppard has a dozen things he should be keeping an eye on at that moment, he again turns to check up on McKay.

Before they leave, he lets Kolya know that he's going to be left alive:

Sheppard: We're going to send a villager to pick you up in about an hour. Kolya: The smart thing would be to kill me now. Sheppard: You're right. I tell you what—I'm going to want points for this in the future. But if you ever do this again... I will kill you. Deal?

The thing is, Sheppard had very much wanted to kill Kolya. He told him in no uncertain terms in The Eye (S01E10) that he was going to do that. As a matter of fact, he had thought that he had already accomplished this and hadn't lost a wink of sleep over that fact. But like I mentioned before, Sheppard seemed to catch on to the fact that Kolya had not intended to kill McKay here (everyone else, yes, but not him). That McKay is valuable enough for the Genii to take him with alive. This, along with his desire not to start another all-out war in this galaxy (not knowing that Kolya was not here on any official Genii business), are among the reasons he decides not only to leave Kolya alive at the end of this, but to let him go. The smart thing probably would have been to kill him but Sheppard is not an executioner and, with McKay being alright and them having a shiny brand new ZPM, he's feeling too good to even entertain the thought.

Still keeping his eyes on Kolya, Sheppard calls back to the others:

Sheppard: Are we good? McKay: Yeah, as far as I can see. Sheppard: Let's move out.

Although Allina seems not to have understood that Sheppard was talking to McKay alone earlier, McKay himself seems to. Or at least he responds like Sheppard had intended this question specifically to him. And again, given just a moment's respite from a life-threatening, intensely dangerous situation, they fall right back into this world of their own where other people are not invited.

McKay: I can't believe you never mentioned the Mensa thing. Sheppard: I took the test. I never joined. McKay: But you passed. Sheppard: Yes. McKay: Well, do you know we have a chapter on Atlantis? You could become an honorary— Sheppard: Rodney. Rodney, up the rope.

I can't believe you never mentioned, he says. Like he thinks he knows everything about John Sheppard by now. Like he was completely blindsided by there being a side to Sheppard he had never witnessed. This confirms that they have been spending a lot more time in each other's company than we see on screen. And, to be sure, they later try to explain this by "the game," that they had been playing a game together after and between missions. For sure, spending a lot of time in someone's company would make you better acquainted but it does not explain the intimate nature of some of the details they know about one another.

Anyway, by this time Rodney McKay is, at least, convinced that he knows most things there are to know about John Sheppard. And make no mistake, Sheppard is willingly sharing personal information with McKay here. It's true that Mensa as a concept will be entirely incomprehensible to Kolya but regardless, Sheppard, who previously made damn sure that Kolya would know as little as possible about any of them, shared personal information about himself in front of an enemy just because he also frequently forgets about their surroundings around McKay.

It's also interesting that as he returns to McKay by the rope, he hands his gun to Allina who does not seem to know what to even do with it. He hands a gun to someone he likely suspects has never held a gun in her life (which is not exactly true, as it turns out). Because, the thing is, he's making sure that McKay gets out of the chamber first. He even tells Rodney to get up the rope, and like.

Women and children first, is the polite thing to do. It's at least an unofficial code of conduct of the military. But notice that neither of them suggests that she (or Teyla, but we have seen that Sheppard does not see her as a woman first but as a warrior) should go first. Sheppard is making sure that McKay gets out safe and sound, and McKay just doesn't care enough about her for it to even occur to him that he should offer to let her go before him. Sheppard is also securing the rope, making sure that it is safe for McKay to use. Please explain to me how any of what happens right here makes any sense if they are just co-workers.

Sheppard has to call Rodney's name twice to get him to focus on their surroundings, has to look at him directly and to direct him with his expression. In order to get McKay to not focus on him right now, Sheppard has to get McKay to focus on him as he is right at that moment, which is some inception level antics right there. McKay is too focused on what Sheppard had said about himself to be able to focus on what he is saying to him. He is too focused on Sheppard to be able to focus on Sheppard.

Once out of the hole in the ground they walk out into an ambush that Allina, who is the new Master Handler of the Brotherhood is leading them into. But what happens just before that is interesting:

Sheppard: You know, I'm going to sleep pretty soundly tonight. McKay: Not me. I'm going to be up all night... getting every system I can back online.

Sheppard just... completely randomly lets everyone (and by everyone he means McKay since his "you know" was pretty obviously spoken to him, as he looks at McKay before he says it) know how he is going to be spending his night when they get back home, and also lets us in on the fact that he is thinking about sleeping. Maybe he's all tuckered out. But then McKay responds by telling Sheppard what he is going to be doing tonight. Because for some reason they just have to know the other's plans for the night. The way McKay also says "I'm going to be up all night" is also pretty suggestive which is why he has to specify what he is going to be doing with his night.

But alas, their joy is short lived. They are surrounded by members of the brotherhood with weapons, and Allina takes the ZPM with the intention of hiding it on another world. What's noteworthy here is that she is paralleled with Chaya. McKay tells her, "Allina, you can't believe that. Look, come back with us. Let me prove it to you." Sheppard asked Chaya to come back with them, to prove to her that they were worth helping. Chaya came to Atlantis, Allina does not, but both Sheppard and McKay ultimately failed in convincing these women to help them.

McKay does not attempt to charm her the way Sheppard did Chaya but instead tries reason and logic because, while Allina seemed infatuated with him, this was never about him even trying to influence her like that. He wouldn't know how even if he had been called to do it, he doesn't think he can be charming like John Sheppard can--which is precisely why Kolya had taken a barb at his attractiveness earlier. But he does feel betrayed because he had been convinced that the woman liked him. Was it all just a lie? Had he been used?

What is notable about this scene is that Sheppard is likewise trying to reason with her. They are working as one, they are arguing as one person. They are trying to reason with her as a tag team. As a matter of fact, when they return to Atlantis and explain the situation to Weir, he describes it with "I tried. Believe me, we tried." However you interpret the nature of their relationship, whether you believe there is a physical component to it or not, these two men are together.

Sheppard: We come from the city of the Ancestors. That ZPM was intended for us. Allina: No. You live in Atlantis, but you are not the Ancestors. Sheppard: What'd you tell her? McKay: Atlantis might fall if we don't take this ZPM back. Then it would serve no purpose. Do you really think the Ancestors would have wanted that? Allina: None of us can know their plan. Sheppard: They don't have a plan. Do you think getting attacked by the Wraith and chased out of the galaxy is something they planned for?

Faith cannot be overcome by reason, this McKay already knew. It is cruel for them to almost have what they so desperately want, to have it in his actual hands, only for it to be taken away. And McKay thinks that it's his fault. Sheppard's words indicates that he realizes McKay had fucked up somewhere (he really didn't, he just had not guile enough to lie) but it's clear that Sheppard doesn't blame him for this.

He very much makes sure McKay understands that they are in this together. It seems like his question is actually more about the fact that he didn't know about something that had happened between them, did not know about this conversation, than laying any blame on him. He has definitely made McKay's business his business by this episode. He also really doesn't like how McKay ignores him as he starts arguing for their right to take the ZPM. Sheppard also sounds really rather angry as he makes his retort about the Ancients not having a plan to her. This, too, seems to connect this scene with Chaya, and Sheppard is definitely still feeling soreness about that whole affair. Sharing her essence certainly seems not to have made him more sympathetic toward the Ancients, perhaps even to the contrary.

Sheppard is really not happy as she approaches McKay to take the ZPM even though she had just given her gun to one of her people and should pose no real physical threat to him. She takes it, turns and walks away. McKay doesn't so much watch her leave as he watches the ZPM leave with all of their hopes with it. McKay and Sheppard exchange a glance and no words are spoken. They don't need words to know what they are both thinking.

This is probably the clearest example so far of this silent communication between them, this unsettling ability to read the other's thoughts from their face.

They return to Atlantis empty handed and learn about the A-plot happening. Sheppard is extremely unhappy to hear that while they had been away, they've lost both a Jumper and two of his men. He blames himself for that.

While they walk up the stairs to the control platform fresh out of the gate, Sheppard checks up on McKay twice. He wants to know where the other man is. When McKay changes from his left side to his right side, his head follows the movement. It seems as though he is worried about him. It isn't simply that he wants to keep McKay close to him, he is clearly watching out for him. Perhaps he's worried how McKay would react to losing the ZPM given how very excited he was over finding it.

At no point while they were on the planet being ambushed or now as they walked with Weir and attempted to explain what had happened was Sheppard particularly upset. Either he was keeping calm for McKay's benefit or just had a Comme ci, comme ça attitude about the whole thing. But as soon as he hears about the death of his men, he is upset. He's upset and takes it out on Weir.

The thing is, if Sheppard was worried about McKay and checking up on him as they walked up the stairs, it is now McKay's turn to be worried about Sheppard and to check up on him. He looks concerned enough that I wonder whether among those intimate details about each other's lives they apparently have been exchanging by this time, something of Sheppard's past was already known to him. Sheppard has lost flight craft and "his men" before so while, yes, even normally this kind of news would be upsetting, his upset is on a whole other level due to past trauma.

When they are informed that there are three hive ships approaching Atlantis and that they will have two weeks until they reach them, McKay and Sheppard exchange another glance. Only, this time it's framed so that we have Sheppard's perspective on Weir and McKay, and McKay looks at the camera--to where Sheppard is. Sheppard is looking at Weir as long as she's speaking but as soon as McKay looks at him, he shifts focus and we see this by how the camera changes focus from Weir to McKay. Again, a clever bit of editing is used to conceal the fact that they are looking at each other. And indeed, while everyone else is looking at the hive ships that Zelenka had just put up on the screen because they are rather significant and really pretty curious to look at, we end the episode with Sheppard looking at McKay. With this look on his face. He is terrified. He is terrified and he is letting McKay see it on his face.

Yes, perhaps Rodney McKay did have a reason to be so surprised that he hadn't known about the Mensa thing yet. He certainly seems to know Sheppard very well. Perhaps better than anyone ever has. And John Sheppard cares about Rodney McKay. Maybe more than he has ever cared about anyone else. And now, they risk losing it all. Would fate really be so cruel?

[longingquiet]

SAM REID as Lestat De Lioncourt

Interview with the Vampire, AMC - Series 2, Episode 3

[l13]

The loud thumping wakes you up, and you blink tiredly as the sound persists. You look at your ceiling for a second before you realize someone is knocking at your door. You groan, bringing your duvet over your ear as you snuggle in again.

“Leave me alone,” you mumble against your pillow as the knocking becomes more forceful.

Suddenly there’s silence, and when you finally think that whoever is bothering you has left, the knocking starts again.

You groan, cursing under your breath as you stand up, grabbing your gun from your vanity. You walk to your front door, opening it angrily.

“What-” your outburst dies down at your lips when you lock eyes with the last person you’d expected to see standing outside your apartment, but one you’d longed for, for years.

Your first instinct is to panic, there’s no way you were conscious. The person standing at your door was supposed to be dead.

So you raise your gun up, hand trembling, “This isn’t real.” you choke out, and Vander raises his hands slowly, opening his mouth to speak but you cut him off, “You’re not real, you’re not here.” There are tears dripping down your cheeks, the gun threatening to fall from your hand with how much you were shaking “Y-you’re dead, this can’t-” you clutch at your chest, heaving, and Vander’s hands grab at your shoulders when your knees buckle,

“My love,” The gun slips from your shaky grip and falls to the floor the moment the words leave his mouth. His voice, god fuck, his voice. You’ve dreamed of it, you’re certain you’ve heard it, back when the grief first clawed at your heart, when the illusions spilled into reality to try to mend what was broken.

But this sounded too real, and you gasped when his hand cupped your cheek, thumb wiping the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Darling, my darling girl. It’s me,” the sweet but rough sound of his voice sent shivers down your back, and you wanted to drown in it, you wanted to hear it again and again and again until you couldn’t anymore. You blinked rapidly, tears blurring your vision as your eyes danced across his features, the five bright white dots across his forehead would have confused you, if you weren’t on the verge of a panic attack.

You didn’t realize you’d raised your hand to cover his, until you felt the warmth of his hand under your skin. “S-stop, this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real,” you squeezed your eyes shut, whispering frantically in order to wake up from this sickly realistic dream, to end this before you woke up and missed his touch again. And yet you craved more, desperately running your hands down his sides, back up to his chest, his shoulders, his back.

God, he felt real, and he was so warm, not like the previous dreams you’ve had when he was always cold, just a silhouette of the man you loved. He even smelled like your Vander. A sob broke through you, and you threw your hands around his neck, crying against his chest. Even if this wasn’t real, you’d still take advantage of this opportunity to feel close to him one last time.

You tried not to cry harder when his arms immediately circled around your torso, hugging you tight to him as you both slipped down to the floor, “Shh sh, love it’s me. Please, look at me,”

“If I do then I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.” you muttered against his chest, nuzzling closer to him, “Let me have this, just for a moment.”

“You have me, forever.” His rough gravelly voice vibrated against your chest as he spoke, his breath hitting your ear as he nuzzled against your hair, his hands running up and down your back, spreading warmth everywhere.

Too real, too real, too real.

“I miss you so much. I-I can’t-” you take a shuddering breath in, “I can’t live without you. I need you back, please. Please, I’ll do anything.”

“My love, my heart. You beautiful, stunning creature. Look at me, I beg you.”

You could feel him leaning away just so he could cup your jaw, lifting your head up softly, so so softly.

Please.

“Look at me.” he mutters, the softness of his request filled with desperation. You slowly open your eyes, blinking away your tears, gaze immediately locking with his.

Your lips part as you take him in. The color of his eyes was much greyer than you remembered. You raised your hand to follow each feature, each wrinkle of his. After a moment, You brought your other hand up, as well, cupping both his cheeks in your hands, feeling his stubble prickle at your palms. “Vander… This- this can’t be real.” you move to pull away but he cups both your hands, keeping you in place, leaning his forehead against yours, “It can, it is. I’m here honey. I’m here.”

You can’t help but stare at his lips, watching them move as he speaks, your mind trying to make sense of what you’re seeing, hearing, feeling.

Please.

You can’t let yourself get too hopeful because this isn’t possible, and he seems to get it too, so he starts explaining.

He tells you everything. How he was on the verge of death, how a man, Singed, found him, turned him into something vile, but the mutation kept him alive, even if he wasn’t entirely himself. He tells you about how all he felt was pain, but you and the kids were the only thing in his mind the whole time, trying to block away everything else. Tells you about Powder, Vi, and Isha, how they found him, brought him somewhere, a colony of some sort. A man, the Herald, helped him, and “..honest to God he kind of scares me, but it-it didn’t matter then, and it doesn’t matter now because I’m here. I’m here with you.”

Please.

You don’t realize you’ve lost track of time until you’re looking at yourself. You blink quickly, eyebrows furrowing, but then you realize you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. Vander is still holding you tightly, and the side of your face is pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as he whispers sweet nothings against the crown of your head. You stay there, listening to his voice and his heart for what feels like forever.

He grabs your shoulders, pulling you away from him just enough for him to look at you in the eyes, “Are you okay?” he asks, but his voice is muffled, sounding too far away. You blink slowly up at him and he frowns sadly.

“I missed you so much. Even in death I missed you, but I wasn’t selfish enough to wish I could see you again because that would mean you’d-” he cuts himself off, the strands of his hair moving as he shakes his head, eyes clenched shut as if to rid himself of that painful thought. “I-I’m here. I’m real. Darling, I’m alive, and I need you to know this.”

His eyes are pained as he stares down at you, once again cupping your jaw, thumb caressing your cheekbone “Say something.”

“I love you.”

His face immediately crumbles, eyebrows squeezing together as his tears start falling, and he tucks his head against the place between your neck and shoulder, crying as he squeezes you impossible tighter, “I love you.” he chokes out, and you feel him pepper soft kisses over your skin, the brokenness of his voice bringing fresh tears to your eyes as well.

You don’t know how long you stay tangled together like this, just holding each other, but Vander leans back suddenly, looking at you with so much adoration that it makes you want to scream. “Hi,” he mumbles, petting your hair softly, his other hand drawing circles on your back.

You start pressing soft kisses all over his face, not being able to contain your affection, and he closes his eyes, laughing giddily, the deep sound traveling over your skin, spreading warmth everywhere. God, you’ve missed this, missed him. “Hi.” you mutter, pressing one last kiss at the corner of his mouth.

His puffy eyes glance down at your lips, “Can I-”

“Please.”

He kisses you.

2024 © l13 | Do not steal, copy, edit, translate or re-post any of my works.

[5ummit]

The Winter Soldier in What If...? Season 2

[nerdygirl84]

I need to know how we get from THIS

to THIS

What goes on in this episode?????????