#entered a depressive episode
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Writing a thesis while life is going to shit is another level of hell I am telling you.
I have like more than 3000 words to go and today is supposed to be my final draft submission
I am so close to smashing my comp and dying (mentally) that I want to go comatose (until I am less overwhelmed which is never)
I’ll manage to write something but it will not be fucking good I’ll tell you that .
#entered a depressive episode#a parent in the hospital so I am in a state of constant anxiety#my autism said hahahaha pda acting up like a bit to full max cause I’m already overwhelmed#and now I’m more overwhelmed#at least instructor said it’s kinda alright and I should try my best and then work my ass over the weekend basically#I will be drinking coffee and crying#but having tissues so my computer isn’t damaged
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Without fail, every time I post a positive post about it being okay to have feelings (anger, sadness, etc), someone always has to comment “yeah but it doesn’t give you the right to treat people poorly because of them.”
No one said it did. And I understand the sentiment but it just rubs me wrong for some reason and I’m not sure why.
I think that even with good intentions, it just rubs me wrong because I’m a BPD blog so maybe it feels like someone is making an assumption even if they’re not intending to?
I don’t know. I don’t want to add a disclaimer to every one of my posts and I’d like to just post positivity without the negativity added because it’s exhausting to read.
Also don’t get me wrong. People have a right to express opinions. I’m just needing to vent because I’m having feelings about it.
#April vents#you can block that tag btw#I know I wouldn’t normally be upset by this#but I think I’m starting to enter a depressive episode#and everything is so heightened and brutal#also please don’t send me asks telling me to take a break from tumblr#me venting on here doesn’t mean tumblr is bad for me#venting is me coping#overall tumblr is good for me#and I always get a bunch of asks telling me to take a break#and that’s the opposite of what I need tbh#I just need to express my feelings
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went to fucking work today and watched a (white, obviously) cop assault a woman stealing baby clothes on my fucking birthday because of course something like that would happen at work on my fucking birthday
#everything sucks so fucking much this year has sucked so fucking much and it doesn’t even feel over and that feels terrible#i hope i’m not entering another depressive episode i’ve literally been so fucked since february and i just thought i was getting out#tomorrow is a new day i guess but home is stupid and lonely and no one here listens to me and i miss leaving as soon as i’m home
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What kind of lord would order a father to kill his own son, He’s the only lord we have, the lord of our ancestors, the lord who was here when we were born.
José Saramago, Cain: A Novel
#cw:blood#my trashy art#everytime i enter a depressive episode i choose a fav from the bible#usually they are problematic faves but no..now it's isaac#i promise i feel normal about things#religious imagery#sorry for the people that followed me for atla#and are now forced to see me angsting over religion#im not religious but i have so many issues with it#it comes with being gay AND italian
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Has anyone noticed that everything is so boring lately
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the pains of a previous hyperfixation being revived and going viral but you can’t get into it again as much as you hope, because you are still caught up on another hyperfixation with a shitty author and no definite continuation
#yes this is about good omens#like yes it means the world to me. yes i feel guilty about that#i just hate that it’s been poisoned for me and for so many people bc one of the authors been revealed to suck#and i can’t just stop unless i want to enter another bad depressive episode#schools shitty enough already#i’m just so god damn tired
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i feel like X would be legitimately distraught over his inability to eat fruit
#mmx#my guy will see a succulent orange in dr cains fridge and enter a depressive episode#and who can blame him.#incase you have not been able to tell i really am SO interested in this topic (the bridge of humanity and robotics within X)#so of course my VERY IN DEPTH INPUT IS LIKE yeah he craves the euphoria of eating a mango on a hot day#>mine_>text
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The finale of Netflix’s Ragnarok was so personally devastating to me that I am considering watching Degrassi for the 7th time to feel okay again
#how could they do this to me specifically#I trusted this show to give me a good ending toa good story and I was ROBBED#I will never love again#every time I enter a depressive episode I rewatch degrassi#I’m not kidding it’s a problem actually#I was so excited how could this happen#this show gave me the world and then ripped it from my hands in the cruelest manner possible#season 3 also suffered from a criminal lack of Turid#ragnarok netflix#ragnarok season 3#magne seier#laurits seier
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my grill fresh is somft and I like her
#I’ve been having a lot of doubts and anxieties lately but everything’s fine#I like that she has really firm boundaries especially around being touched#I also like that we both entered each other’s lives at a time when neither of us can really do much#(she’s recovering from surgery and I’m going through a depressive episode and have zero energy)#I really think it can only go up from here
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NAMI HAS TAKEN ACTION!!! LETSGOOOOO
#when is uta gonna physically fight luffy..... it's just a matter of time#shanks planning on coming back?? its been 84 years.... that probably was only said to makino bc he is trying to sway her.... girl run...#'that's our local sea beast' so he just hangs out??? well fuck me#luffy was just fucking around about the making a new era and look what happened.... apollo blessed him....#the sun god omg.... nika..... ahdahsaj i ws fucking around with that too HAJSHAJA#oh no shit he does actually come back.... i thought this was the same time... omg... THAT'S EVEN SKETCHIER!!!#thinking luffy wss just here alone depressed in foosha and ace was there alone depressed on the forest too...... 🥺🥺🥺#ohhhh little luffy....... like i know she is not dead but something happened..... what....#oh it might seem like she died... elegia destroyed bc of shanks??? what is that and tot music (sounds like catalan meaning all music to me)#beckman has haki too? like zoro........#SHE HAS BEEF WITH SHANKS?? SEE HOW HE IS SKETCHY!! WHATS WITH THAT FACE???#i need to make my evil shanks cosnpiracy board but that whill be implied on my other bigger conspiracy board i am sure#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1030#zeus got free... its namis turn...#usopp and nami being strong and brave for tama..... exactly.....#and so they meet again..... oh new break with momo.......#otama tamed big mom too omg ajdhajshaja prometheus saying she enters mom mode with kids under 10 AHDHAJSHAJ#no way big mom is turning on kaido for this.... SHE KNOWS RYUO TOO??? SHE IS NOT TOUCHING HIM OMG#goodbye page one... jesus.... now his sister..... damn#damn. wasnt expecting all that. now nami can take zeus either way hehe#episode 1031#when are we gonna get ad breaks for the rest of the crew.... we get it zoro and luffy are important.... okay....#sanji carrying zoro.... here we go....#PEROSPERO????? DIEEEE!!!! WHERE IS CARROT???#komachiyo..... TAMAA!!!!! usopp tells nami to take her and run.... NAH!!!! FUCK HER SHIT UP!!!!!!#nami finally fighting omg i have been waiting for this moment#episode 1032
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hhhghghtrdfgyjwsyredfgc
#vent#i hate being Aware of my mental illness but not being able to do anything about it#i am Aware that i am entering a depressive episode. i cannot do anything to stop my brain from doing that but i sure am aware of it#AND ITS HAPPENED AT. SUCH A BAD FUCKING TIME.#I CANT JUST LET MYSELF SIT AND ROT I NEED TO BE LOOKING FOR JOBS AND PACKING AND AUUUGGHHHH#i also am like working on minecraft stuff w my friend and just. man. im fucking tired. im so tired#one of these days i'll get back in touch a psychiatrist and get back on mood stabilisers but i cant DO THAT RGIHT NOW BECAUSE IM MOVING#ACROSS STATE LINES#AAUUUUGUUHHHHH
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Welp, A View to a Death is officially completed now.
what do I do with my life now
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i want to be mentally ill in a “cool” girl way but instead im mentally ill in an “incapacitated by the shackles it has on my life” girl way
#☁️#let’s play another game of am i exiting or entering a depressive episode#i am so tired of this rollercoaster#still find it crazy that it took 20 years to figure out i have bipolar#also crazy that i go thru the same patterns every month & can’t escape it for the life of me 😀#i feel so built up but i so badly do not want to cry
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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone
#ray txt#well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring#short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings#eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some#disease or illness and that I was gonna die#if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit#chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe#random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso#random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression#anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in#psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists#they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are#perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit#so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up#andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now#wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal#that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever#i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications#turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned#this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again#and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it#Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken#he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and#none of it working out#I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question#although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out#really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being#experimented on
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thank u everyone 🐧
#unfortuntaely i have entered a depressive episode and might go quiet soon. but thank you for being here.#non art
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