#endurance is what kills me
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I think I can almost do a 10 minute mile, which I believe is the requirement to pass the exam. I'm going to wait till the end of the month to time myself and check. If I can do an 8 minute mile by the time the exam comes around that would be ideal
#i have no idea what the other requirements are#idk im aiming for like#at least 100 sit ups and squats#and at least 50-75 push ups#sit ups and squats are easy#i can manage 100 of those#push ups are harder for me#idk if id reach 100 by the exam#but it would be cool if i could#idk if they'll make us do a stair master#but im preparing just in case#endurance is what kills me#gotta work that the hardest#gonna see if i can set up a tire pull also#that would be incredibly beneficial for me
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Maybe it's the eternally distrustful loveless child in me but idk something about the way DC has been writing familial relationships in recent years rings so false to me. There's no room for the complex, nuanced, unnamed relationships Batman and Nightwing used to have, nothing like the warped mother-daughter-sister thing Barbara Gordon and Cass Cain had, nothing like Superboy's weird obsessive hero worship/bone-deep dread of his clone fathers or Max Mercury's weary undefined protectiveness of Bart or Wonder Woman's dogged loyalty to her little "sisters". Cause — for me, at least, I know I actively seek little moments of connection in stories; when I write or when I read it is to seek comfort. I think that's why DC has made this shift. Readers like me gravitated to those little warm moments, and DC noticed that we did without stopping to think about why.
But there's a point at which I notice diminishing returns of comfort from fluffy writing — it ceases to register as real. It's too good, too saccharine, too empty of any of the pain and frustration it takes to express genuine love for the other person. It's all hand-holding and no sweaty palms. It's so easy for someone to say they love you. It's so easy to see when it's all just words. And part of this is, yeah, bad writing; all that stuff about show not tell. They're trying to tell us these characters care about each other without giving us any real proof. but. idk. I need my love to be real. I need to feel the bones behind each embrace. I can't accept affection without struggling my way into it. Honestly I'd rather get a grim gritty Batman who forgets he HAS kids until they throw themselves into the line of fire than a milquetoast helicopter Batdad who tells his kids exactly what they mean to him without actively being in a state of bleeding out.
#idk don't listen to me i haven't read any comics closely since they killed alfred#but what i see in screenshots makes me. incredibly dissatisfied#maybe love is all about the striving!!!! maybe it's about the blood under your nails as you claw your way back to your beloved!!!!!#maybe it's hugging your dad and all you can think about is how stiff and unwieldy it is around the body armor and utility belts#y'know#and i DO enjoy wayne family adventures. it can be nice. but yeah i can tell that i would not endure it if that was all i had to read#dc#oli rambles
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metamy is insane. like.
what if i was the hero you loved gone wrong. defeated and destroyed. rebuilt as my own greatest enemy. what if i lost everything. what if i had been reprogrammed to despise all i had once fought for. what if i couldn't even remember why i had fought at all.
and what if you were made of roses. what if you represented every beautiful thing i once died trying to protect. what if you wore flowers in your hair and cared for small creatures and had eyes the color of the forests i used to call my home. what if you were everything i once loved.
those memories are just out of my reach. infuriatingly. maddeningly. but if anyone knows who i am (who i used to be) it's you. if anyone can make me feel like who i used to be (who i really am) it's you. i can't speak, i can't breathe, i can't remember anything (but you).
you are the world i have been ordered to burn. i am the weapon you have chosen to resist. i was (am) the hero that you loved.
you are my only memory.
i will do anything to make you believe me.
#sonic#metamy#metal sonic#amy rose#like. the motifs man. the robot falls in love with rose.#he fought and died to protect nature. her name is AMY ROSE.#he fought and died to protect nature and HE WAS CONVERTED INTO A METAL WEAPON. used against his OWN DREAM.#you are a weapon against yourself. what do you remember? i remember her (i remember failing her)#he's cold. (un)dead. sharp. made of metal. enemy of life. LITERALLY AT WAR WITH HIMSELF (metalsonic v sonic).#she's so so warm. bright. soft. covered in flowers. the only thing that could be good and patient and loving enough to endure him.#it's about his unspoken obsession. he has no mouth he makes no sound he cannot blink or smile or cry.#so he stares in silence at a girl so beautiful and gentle he almost remembers. almost. almost. almost.#all she sees (at first) is a tool. a cold imitation of her love. staring unblinking. unthinking unfeeling.#and then. confusion. and then curiosity.#and when she figures it out. it turns to horror.#BUT THATS FOR LATER!#the best part to me is that weird phase where amy is like. what is this thing doinggg😭 (secretly affectionate) while metal stares at her👁👁#and composes love poem death threats (2 sonic) in his mind.#its about jealousy. im the true sonic. you say you love sonic and im sonic why dont you love me? love me. love me#-> you are kind to me. i had forgotten that feeling. i wont lose it again. so im gonna kill your boyfriend . if thats okay😁beepboop!#the dynamic between amy and sonic and sonics weird undead evil robot clone WHO WANTS TO BE 'THE REAL' SONIC SO BADLY is sooooo yummy.#esp if sonic in turn is like. 'is. is he actually a contender in this. AMY. YOURE BETTER THAN THIS.'#sonic's own sense of ego and entitlement (/pos i love him hes a rat) clashing in two separate forms. two separate lifetimes.#but! that rose! that same rose!!!!!!!!!!!#(clutches head in hands)#.txt
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top ten scenes that send the viewer into cardiac arrest
#i just threw my earbuds out and like fucking scrambled away from my computer literally what the fuck. what the fuck#if house doesnt tell him he loves him ill phase through the screen and commit murders#many many murders. house you fucking better#wilson#house#hilson#never in my life have i had that visceral a reaction to a show istg#house md#hatecrimes md#8x21 holding on#ok i made this post yesterday. but i had hit post limit. so i drafted it. and now. well. let me say i have endured horrors since then#i absolutely crawled through the screen to kill house btw
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Character conflict
Only thing I will say here is this:
The most terrifying villains
is them knowing they're in the wrong...
#FINALLY STAR BOY LET ME KINDA KILL HIM#He is now “suffering” hehe#feeling freaky#<3#<333#Btw I am just exploring on how star boy getting stabbed would play out so this might or might not be cannon but whateverrr#wishverse#disney wish#wish star#wish movie#magnifico#maggy#star boy troubles#star boy#king magnifico#artwork#artists on tumblr#digital art#illustration#Something I noticed among all the other Mags is that he doesn't think that what he is doing is wrong (for most of them at least idk)#For TKORAT Mag he has inner tormoial of either killing this star (which will give him the satisfaction but he will then crave more violance#Or not (which will actually heal the pain he endured and finally move forward in life instead of just gathering hatered for years on end)#the kingdom of roses and thorns
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I’m sorry but I will never ever understand Electra haters. Especially those who butcher her character in order to make Clytemnestra look an misunderstood murder angel
#i should stop looking at tiktok most of the braindead takes come from there#did we read the oresteia with our eyes closed??#will not tag this properly bc its just my silly opinion but honestly fuck electra haters#shes pookie to me now#~if i was electra i would just simply accept my mothers crime of killing my other PARENT and replaced him with an asshole#im surrrreee thats what my dead older sister would have wanted! for me and my siblings to endure emotional abuse
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"But the bird refused to talk again. So Lucky began speaking for it in a high-pitched voice.
"How's the weather look in District 12, Jubilee?"
"They've got snow, Lucky!"
"Snow in July, Jubilee?"
"Coriolanus Snow."
Coriolanus gave the camera a thumbs up when they cut for his reaction. He could not believe this was his life."
-The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes
Not to be a Snow apologist but this interaction alone fully explains how he turned into this
#he's like you would not believe what i had to endure to reach the position i'm in#poverty?#the time you had to personally kill a tirbute when you were sent into the arena?#and he's like no#the time i had to acknowledge a grown man imitating a parrot making a pun about my name on natioanl television#that's it#that's his villain origin story#coriolanus snow#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#the hunger games#liveblog of me reading#lucky flickerman
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WHY CANT SPENCER REID BE HAPPPPPPYYYYYYY !!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT DID HE DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS TRAGEDY ?? HES JUST A SWEET NERDY AUTISTIC BOY LET HIM BE HAPPY PLEEEAAAASSEEEE
#just watched s8ep12#if you don't know what ep im talking about I envy you#I would love to be ignorant of the events that take place in season 8 episode 12 titled zugzwang#he's just a sweet boy#he deserves all good things and all the love in the world#BUT THEY KEEP THROWING TRAGEDY AT HIM WHYYYYYY#Jeff Davis when I get my hands on you#and you too mr. Matthew gray gubler#I know you are partly to blame for my HEARTBREAK#I should sue them for emotional damages#I hope behind the scenes now that he's off the show he's living a nice happy life after all the awful shit he's been through and endured#I keep thinking about him and Maeve#HE LOVED HER HE WAS DREAMING ABOUT MARRYING HER GUYSSSS HE SAW A FUTURE WITH HER#someone kill me pls I cant take it IT HURTS#spencer reid criminal minds#doctor spencer reid#dr spencer reid#spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fandom#criminal minds spencer reid#maeve donovan
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dead by daylight-- the game where you can play as steve harrington from stranger things, and can get sent to partake in a match of murder hide and seek at midwich elementary from silent hill, where you can then use a lute to perform bardic inspiration from dungeons and dragons to give a bonus to your teammates, except for the one who is being chased by nemesis from resident evil 3.
#dbd#thoughts about media#yes steve's jacket is bugged. it's done this before but I didn't think it'd do it again.#better than whatever the hell bug aestri has rn with her face.#girl looked like the fucking unknown.#anyway I was lagging WAY. WAY too hard to try another match for a better picture with a different skin.#I just remembered I unlocked bardic inspiration on that day my internet actually cooperated and I HAD to see steve play the lute.#it's so cute. the survivors all smile when they play. T___T I have to see gabe. claude. and nancy do this.#but I'll wait until my internet isn't getting me randomly downed by zombies.#I'm pretty sure my lag got elodie killed too so I feel kind of bad but it is also sort of funny that I wasn't even playing-#-killer and still managed to get a survivor killed.#not that I haven't done that befoooore.... or that I haven't done it deliberately in the past...#I will never forget you RPD ghostface who showed me he had the matching “I'd kill for you” heart charm to my “hooked on you” one.#and then killed a david for me when I asked him as a joke LOL. we watched his body ascend in the entity's spidery limbs together.#it was a beautifully romantic moment <3#generally speaking I am a decent survivor who will die so you can get out. like a good steve player should be.#However. if the evil man that I find sexy is nice to me? I'm so so sooo sorry for what you're going to endure if he only wants to spare me.
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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is everything terrible or is it just the damp of the first spring rain
#no but really. I adore this moment so much#because it’s eowyn’s whole problem and the problem of her circumstances in microcosm#she is alone and cold. the city has fallen silent. there’s no one there. there’s no one to balance out her view#there’s no one to stand next to her and see things for what they are#yes—painful dark difficult#but also. sometimes just in process#sometimes just hidden in shadow#sometimes just the curve of the valley#sometimes just the damp of the first spring rain!!!!!!!!!!!#you can’t see that truth on your own and if you try to be positive you tip into delusion#you can’t achieve balance on your own. and so just.#him stepping up to stand next to her. his hand going into hers. saying I do not believe this darkness will endure#it just rights the ship of her soul in a way that hasn’t happened yet#because no one has ever stood beside her#or maybe it’s a part of the righting of her soul—Theoden and Eomer both have their moments where they draw near her and around her#in a way they didn’t (couldn’t? didn’t?) before#but then he’s just the last piece. someone from outside. someone who sees her with such clear eyes. who loves her with such a hopeful heart#and all of her angst just washes away#sorry I’m just having a breakdown over here#Eowyn’s story kills me. I think about it all the time. I think about her isolation and her innocence and her bravery and her vulnerability#and her unsteadiness and her desire for glory and how pure and bright and vivid like flame she is and Faramir just being there to catch her#and let her be who she actually is. I JUST———#lotr liveblogging
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Also @ my it takes Sharena to break free from the "Gustav was a good man/Father" Askr family unreliable narrator hivemind. That the Main Reason she can't/doesn't is because it's the One Thing that's protecting her. That's stopping her from having a catastrophic world/life fucking breakdown about it. Heavily influenced by her brother and mother's feelings about it.
There's something else, I think Sharena is specifically protecting herself from too. She was Triandra's sister, too.
#feh#IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO TRIANDRA. FOR ME. FOR SOME REASON.#ALSO. ALSO. when it comes to 'comparing' what 'is/isn't' abuse. something logically ik you can't/shouldn't do#but like. tri/peony's father's ye olde fairytale villain levels of abuse vs gustav's abuse. which is.#so so. like. like i feel like i could meet someone and they could tell me yeah my dad was [insert every gustav trait here]#like. that's not to say the level of abuse tri/peony endured is impossible or realistic. like. it's just a rarer more horrifying case#that reads like an evil stepparent story ala cinderella.#like sliding scale/ends of a spectrum we have gustav (bad dad you can find anywhere dime a dozen)#to triandra's dad (cinderella stepmom levels of abuse but not entirely out of the realm of reality unfortunately just a rare case)#to sombron (literally actual cartoon levels of evil. which also isn't to dismiss anything but like.#he had a bunch of kids and then forced them to kill each other. and then did whatever he did to veyle. who was Lucky#she was too young to participate in the sibling battle royale to the death brawl.)#idk idk. it's like#back when i used to exist i had friends/peers who would talk about their family situations and#it was like. a frame of reference. that's horrible and outright abusive and i'm so sorry you have to go through that.#meanwhile. my own situation. i always describe it as 'stupid and complicated'.#idk idk. i just think sharena's feelings about gustav are more Loadbearing. than anything else.#and she's also like. she loves her brother so much. looks up to him and is inclined to trust/agree w whatever he says#like sharena obvs still has her own feelings/thoughts. but like. alfonse is also just so important to her.#and then there's henriette. who sharena does actively strive to be like. ect ect#idk idk. this is something other than breadcrumbs intsys gives me moldy bread cuts off the mold and tells me#it's safe to eat and that the mold was never there actually. but i remember. i remember the mold.#sharena#fe triandra
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If I may pitch in as a nubile french teenager with hair like pale silk and eyes like the ocean on an idyllic summer afternoon, with breasts like two beautiful, fiesty girls, that turns the heads and excites the loins of...
...wait where was I going? Oh yeah immigrant men are evil and much worse than white men, trust me bruv
SCREAMING
#with breasts like two beautiful fiesty girls is killing me yall are so funny#im so glad im not the only one who read that and was like ... what a weird way to start talking about something traumatic and terrifying#me before talking about the abuse i have endured: i am a bahraini girl with eyes dark like chocolate and caramel skin bound to make your#mouth water...
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SODA IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF CRY
So theoretically would you rather be a prop or actor in a play?
The props are used by others sure, but they are vital. You can't have a play without them and they can completely change the tone and mood of a scene.
The actors have a vague sense of freedom. They follow a script but they interpret it and make it their own. They're the heart of the play but live under stress and pressure, crumbling if taken to far.
Though in the end they're only really good when the director knows how to use them.
Thats Siglai. In this essay I will-
ooooo, i’d probably be an actor honestly.
[the fact i can’t tell which one is supposed to be sigma and which is meant to be nikolai bc i see bits of both in each description tells me this is a very good analogy and i agree wholeheartedly]
ANYWAYS, GOING BASED ON MAJOR DESCRIPTORS: im saying sigma is the prop based on his backstory and current uses plot wise. and Nikolai is the actor!!
THIS IS SUCH A WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM BTW
assuming sigma represents the prop: sigmas sky casino literally houses one of the stages for one of their terror plots, the coin bombs!! and not to mention his backstory being trafficked and used for his ability, being deemed a tool before a person. only to escape and end back in the same exact scenario with less visible strings. <3 but at the same time he is literally how the doa got the whereabouts for the page if i remember correctly, and their stuff wouldn’t have worked without him or just would’ve been more difficult to pull off. [if he defects i wonder what’ll become of the doa tbh. assuming fyodor is most likely alive, and they continue their original goals]
aaand assuming the actor represents nikolai: the only reason he feels that vague freedom is because he believes he proved it everything he does is for free will. he needs to prove it and he needs to know it himself. he’s, of course, a sane individual like everybody else; he, of course, feels the guilt that comes with his actions. yk eventually he won’t be able to put it off anymore he hears the cries, and the screams and everything that comes with proof. he endures. and he endures. and he endures. all the meanwhile he’s only creating more more ties back to his own humanity.
What happens when he finally has to face this humanity of his?
We don’t know, perhaps we’ll find out in act II.
#analogies <33333#TY FOR THIS POTATO HUGGINGBYOU SO SO HARD RN <3!!!!!#sodaramblestoomuch#bsd#soda ask and answers!#bsd nikolai#bsd sigma#siglai#sorry if this is redundant i may be just restating what you said#ALSO I REALIZED HALFWAY THEOUGH THAT THEORETICALLY SIGMA COULD BE THE ACTOR AND NIKOLAI THE PROP#like if you take it out of literal terms [which is usually first habit for me sobs so i didn’t see it at first]#sigma could be the actor in which although he is gone from his original situation with the trafficking ring; he is in a way in the same#scenario just with a few different things changed; he has a “home” and a “purpose” each of which to make his own even if he suffers from th#mounting stress and the pressure and he endures it all order to keep his home and his purpose. he has to. he needs to.#aaand nikolai could very well also represent a prop in the sense: other than sigma; he’s the one who sets the stage for everything to take#place. he kills off the officials; sets up the hostages; all putting the decay dead center on the public stage and finishing off the initia#prep work for the first few plans to take place#fyodor obviously wouldn’t do the dirty work#and neither would fukuchi since he has a reputation to uphold#neither sigma nor bram would take it on either i imagine#he’s essential!#nothing would work without somebody to take care of the dirty work and look no further that somebody is nikolai#anbxvxbsndbsbansbx both descriptors fit so well to them both <3#this is so them you’re so correct hugging you
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#ooc#ramblings#you /know/ it occurred to me today that in a certain sense mig caught a lucky break?#in that his dna was spliced with that of a spider's instead of a previous copy of his own dna as he had originally planned#that's absolutely not to say that the process he went through was still several kinds of horrific#and continues to get even worse every time i try to picture what he might've endured#but i'm just saying things could've got way more fucked up for him in a completely different sense. hard as that is to be believed.#considering tyler had - surprise surprise - spiked his drink with something meant to temporarily simulate rapture and not the actual drug#i'll need to have a further think on it but for the moment the closest thing i can compare this to#is something like radiation exposure#where instead of /shaking/ the rapture addiction he sort of signed his own demise?#with cell division shutting down and just other metabolic processes getting all out of whack#that or the process outright killing him like mr. sims#so YEAH#there's layers and layers to this that i could keep rambling on forever about ngngcbn
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these ending cards always mean the most to me
aside from the 3 of them being my favorite characters in the entire game, the sunrise to this trio has so many different layers and so much more meaning than everyone else's
#still wish they'd have fixed Laura's hair glitching in chapter 10 after all this time - that shit still has me MIFFED#but just every one of them having to live with what killing Silas means to them personally#for Laura's it's the 2 months she spent in jail and the trauma she endured and the lives - innocent and not - she took along the way#for Travis it's 6 YEARS of failing to end the curse & having to cover up his family's horrors while still trying to have hope & do good#for Ryan it's realizing the supernatural exist. and stories he enjoyed immersing himself in & retelling have some truth to them#paired with however many years around the Hacketts & bonding with Chris & realizing how little he actually knew them + having to kill Chris
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