#endless guilt

[jsabtdfandtsoec]

This.

I'll post the full drawing later ska probably never since I'm being more lazy then usual lately, and I'm sleepy rn

[embarassedbeingembarassed]

endless guilt just being and living

[gearbroth]

| Billions upon billions of lives, stars, planets and galaxies. An entire universe, a terribly incomprehensible loss. And it's all your fault. You monster. |

[just-bee-lieve]

and i have nothing ahead of me

[gummi-ships]

Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage - The World Within

[zeb-z]

See, I think Arthur was doomed to fail when he decided to kill Vanya. I think that was the point his quest for vengeance and answers started to matter more than his humanity, just enough to have him kill her. That was yet another moment he continued on that cycle of violence despite his intentions, where he talked of peace as he burned her alive. He can never break free because all his actions just serve to perpetuate this violence.

It’s always about cycles with him. Cycles of power, of violence, that vampire society has been stuck in for years. Always answering to the call of the beast, as they say, their fangs in the world, sucking out the life of it. And the Grimslayers also only work to perpetuate this cycle, keeping this war endless. And Arthur was never going to break out, not in the way he wanted to. Not with how deep he was, not with how bloody his hands were. It didn’t matter he threw away his little black book of people he’d killed, it didn’t matter he had a whole rebirth in flames in the Lunarchive, because in the end he still sacrificed his humanity for answers, in yet another twist of irony.

And in the finale, when he’s stood staring at the earrings Magnus gave him, full of human memories, he still feels that anger, that drive for vengeance circle back - because it’s a cycle. He clings to the humanity he himself sacrificed - and it’s always guilt over what he’s done as ‘the monster’ that rules him. Guilt over killing his family, over killing others, now about committing the most corrupting sin you can as a vampire, and seeing it reflected in his own aura.

And it’s so fitting that he lost his looks as he lost his humanity, because now he looks how he acts - monstrous, ugly. And he can cover it up but it’s only temporary, it always melts away to reveal what’s underneath, because he’s no longer trying to fight that monster. He’s no longer trying to find that balance that keeps him and the monster alive, and doesn’t hurt or kill others. And because he’s not seeking this balance, and is instead seeking to feed the beast, so to speak, all it does is grow, all it does is feed.

Inside of you there is a monster (hunger, anger, pride, desperation, despair, hatred, grief). You cannot escape it.

[hedge-rambles]

Thinking once again about "c'mon love, guys as careful as me don't have accidents". Because I'm never sure whether I should take it at face value or not.

John detractors tend to lean heavily into "John always lies about everything so I don't trust anything he says"...except when he says anything bad in which case it's gospel. Personally I don't care for this approach though.

But this line, I can take it two or three ways.

1 - It's plain truth. He lied to Pyrrha about it and he very intentionally killed those people.

2 - It's a lie he tells himself. He really didn't mean to, it was an accident, and that he could accidentally kill so many terrifies him. So he pretends it really was intentional, that he really meant to do it, because that means he's in control (he's not as in control as he would like to believe).

3 - It's somewhere inbetween. In the moment he did it, he meant it, but it wasn't exactly with true intent. We all have passing thoughts that are immediately followed by "what the fuck no". For a heartbeat he really wanted to kill every one of them, and a second later he thought better of it. But unfortunately for him, his merest whim on that front can be instantly translated into action. They were already dead, it was done before he could have that second thought.

He's telling Pyrrha the truth when he says it was an accident, because for all intents and purposes it was. But he tells himself that it wasn't, because of his whole guilt and sin complex. It's a form of self flagellation, more proof to himself that he's unforgivable and irredeemable.

[fallen-goldfishcracker]

hey fallen, what moment lives rent free in your brain? thanks for asking, i'll tell you!

we see very clearly that the collector doesn't see grimwalkers as people, this is expected, at this point I don't know if they see anyone as people.

but what i find fascinating is how Belos sees the grimwalkers. i'd always kinda assumed he didn't see them as people either (something something dehumanization and cycles of abuse and making so many he eventually stops caring about them even in his own, twisted way), but that isn't exactly true.

the collector calls them "those things".

Belos calls them "him".

in a way, i wasn't wrong. Belos doesn't see them as people, he sees them as a person. specifically, Caleb.

Belos has seen every single grimwalker as an extension of Caleb, not as their own people with individual thoughts and ideas and personalities.

yea it uh. messes me up a little.

[ismyteadoneyet]

“[...] tell me what you’ve got there...?” Furina said, sheepishness turning to perplexity. “... Food?” Arlecchino asked matter-of-factly, trying to disguise her nervousness behind a serious façade.  “Do you intend for us to eat an entire gramophone, and how did it even get here?!” Furina exclaimed. “I carried it.” “YOU CARRIED… AN ENTIRE GRAMOPHONE… OVER HERE???”  - 'Guilt of the helpful' by @draconicstella88888, chapter 7

I know what you're thinking; "What is that ???? Fanart of another franchise???? Could it be done?????". I would be as shocked as you are, if not for the fact that This Moment in the glorious ArleFuri fanfic linked above, written by my beloved bestie @draconicstella88888, leads up to what might be one of the most stunning parts of writing I have ever read. Genuinely had me at a loss for words when I first read it, which I will brag about being one of the first ones to do, because I have been handed the honors of actually beta reading this beautiful story !!

If you haven't already, take this as a sign that y'all should read this too! You don't even have to know anything about the game lore to enjoy it enough to have scenes live in your head rent-free for days and weeks and months on end. Take me as an example of that lol <333

[sharknark]

⬇️rant about a really good hengren (reverse renheng) fic i read. link at the bottom give it a whirl

i've never read a fic so well-catered to my tastes before in my life and the best part is that i was so caught off guard by how good it was cuz the tags and summary had me like "right this is some omegaverse-esque, rawr XD mating shit"

but from the very first paragraph i realized it wasn't just ao3-typical possessive mating shit it was (dare i say) IN CHARACTER possessive mating shit. underappreciated dan feng lore is the two hearts shit, duty expects him to smother his own empathy and perform cruelty obediently (and that being in his dragon form literally numbs his empathy towards mortals) but then it's flipped around and he's criticized for being too heartless

there aren't a great many english fics that take advantage of the 'numbed empathy' thing, so this fic using that to explore the toxic codependency that drove dan feng to making yingxing immortal in the first place is so!

dan feng's dragon heart prioritizing it's own indulgence and power, his human heart screaming against it for empathy and restraint, but both hearts united in this possessive adoration of yingxing... dan feng is possessive to the point of harming his partner, forcing them to take his affection, inherently contradictive to the protective impulse to see the other unhurt.

dan feng makes yingxing immortal in a really sketchy operation, despite knowing that yingxing is literally defined by his pride in being a short-life. he wants yingxing to be with him so badly that he does the one thing that would hurt yingxing the most, too blinded by possession, this sickly overbearing affection, to empathetically respect yingxing's death.

yingxing lived cramming every second he could into his craft and his goals precisely because he has so much less time than all the immortal species around him, but when he's forced into immortality, his hands are scarred and ruined past the point of ever crafting again. he suddenly has so much time, all this time he would've cherished as a mortal, but is totally useless to him now that his purpose for living and passion is gone.

so there being a scene in this fic where dan feng is moping "yingxing doesn't wanna fuck because he's glued to his workshop", being followed up with a scene of dan heng fucking blade while kissing his scarred hand and crying that he's "so sorry", yeah no shit asshole, his dragon heart got what it wanted, blade has all the time in the world to fuck and nothing competing for his now limitless attention and no one's happy about it.

as arrogant about being a short-life as yingxing was, it really is compensation for the discrimination he faced for it. other immortals looked down on him, so having dan feng, THE top dog, be so deeply enamored with him stirred his own toxic codependent urges. he was so desperate to have dan feng's eternal regard that he's willing to die for him (as in the sedition), his death being the force cementing his place in dan feng's heart forever.

so the fic having yingxing ruminate on this, that he had hoped for dan feng to love him even centuries after he inevitably died, only for the fic to end with:

yeah yingxing... you left an impression... he made you immortal.... everyone's upset by this

(that's what makes dan heng forgetting blade was ever yingxing to begin with all the more painful because, you went and turned him immortal and when it backfired horrifically you went on and fucking forgot, bitch i'd be pissed to the point of centuries long bloody pursuit of vengeance too.)

here's the fic go read it and leave kudos and a comment, technically porn but i got so invested in the character study that part barely registered. also yeah if you hadn't realized already super dead-dove:

blah blah "renheng is toxic" sorry that's why i like it

[jsabtdfandtsoec]

Yup, I finally made two posts in one day. Anyways, uhhhh. I don't want this drawing to rot in my gallery soooo, here's corrupted EG!cyan,or uhhhh cyanide, goopy corrupt boi.

Extra:

This one form or version or whatever you wanna called it, idk what to name it. Nvm, it's called true Cyanide? Bruh, my 9 yrs old self ain't good with coming up with names.

Fun fact, the design is inspired, I forgot by who. I think the name of the character was uhhhhh, experimented cube or somethin, I forgor. I sure haven't post anything about this au for a while. Good to post it.

[kairos-polaris]

thinking about fate and predetermination and choices. Jon was chosen because he was always going to doom himself. when placed in a situation the outcome of which would be his doom, he would bring it on himself

the Mother's web is wrapped all over him and he is her puppet. he has free will and he follows the outline written for him and he has always been doomed. Jon was doomed when he read that book, when he started working in the Institute, when he accepted the position, when he made that first recording. he was doomed because every actions he took brought that doom closer. like in that tale of a man desperate to escape death, only to meet her in his destination. this was always the goal and this was always what he has been walking towards, unaware of it as he was. and he was chosen because the Mother knew he would walk that path and make the choices

[afaroffsong]

sO mAnY tHiNgS i WaNt tO dO!!!

But none of them involve work or college.

[angeart]

The world fades away, voices around him blurring as the strength he’s been trying so hard to hold onto finally seeps out of his body, giving out. He thinks it’s fine. He lets it, lulled by a vague, gentle feeling of relief that comes from knowing there’s no more destruction and loss at the other end of things anymore. This is it. The fall is over, they reached the bottom. He can leave his eyes closed.

He can figure out all the broken shards of promises and gnawing sense of failure later. He’ll find a way to reslot himself back together; a way to climb up somewhere higher again, to make up for it, to provide everything they deserve to have, everything that was never meant to be stripped away from them. 

He’ll do all that. Just not yet. Not yet.

— elegy scar

[presidentcircles-assistant]

jimmy and curly from mouthwashing reminded me a lot of r. line and vincent so i drew them with a quote from that

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

pondering my lorb

We Are All Pondering His Orbs