#ellie williams x blk!reader | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

forthelostones · 1 year

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inna good way ─── ⋆

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚🍸 fem!reader x college!ellie 🍸⋆୨୧˚ ⋆ ˚｡

" 'cus you make me wanna cry in a good way"

synopsis: it was the day before graduation and your ex-best friend threw a party. you visit and see if there's something left.

warnings. 18+ (mdni); soft ellie, fluff(?), suggestive language, jealousy, abby ft, smoking/drinking, mentions of insecurities, & grinding. sfw!!!

an: hi everyone, thanks for all the love on my other works! that means a lot to me, make sure if you like my writing to make suggestions! (p.s. i'm drinking wine & missing uni sooo)

(no y/n)

♪ playlist: palace/curse, i. the party, in a good way, 2 AM . ♪

#normalgirlsyndrome

wc: 3.1k

you were staring at your phone at the edge of your mattress in your college apartment. boxes had been packed, the bed once in a frame on the floor, and your gown hung over your closet door. you knew ellie was throwing a party tonight at her house and you couldn’t refuse the opportunity to go. although you didn’t have a choice because your roommates insisted you had one last night together. so, before you taped up your boxes, you pulled out your traditional going outfit, ready to hit it one last time. you were already tipsy from the four glasses of white wine you inhaled while doing your makeup. you tapped through ellie’s story ferociously over and over. she had been posting videos of her smoking a joint and playing beer pong, waiting for people to show. you couldn't help but smile at her sweet face.

you felt a twist in your stomach as you thought about seeing her again. of course you had seen her around campus and waved, but things had gotten more awkward than you’d both admit. the relationship turned dry but you remember the touches of her hands on those random “dates” that she refused to acknowledge. they were so sweet and soft, you yearned for more, especially the nights when you were alone touching yourself in your bed wishing it were her. she refused that she had any feelings for you after a seldom walk near the lake where the stillness of the water was louder than her lack of words. “I just thought we’d be better as best friends lovey,” she told you. her mouth said one thing but her eyes said another, you were sure she was lying. you saw her around with dina, her on-and-off girlfriend, wondering what she had that you didn’t. you picked yourself apart one random date ago while you cried and stared at her photos on instagram. you found yourself reopening those wounds as you began to head for the door.

the smell of sweating bodies and weed cause your lungs to tighten, forcing a cough out of your throat. your heart became tight at the thought of seeing her, you couldn’t quite place why. so many memories flood your head — remembering the sound of her guitar trilling through the night on her back porch, where she sang your favorite songs to you. her fingers meticulously tracing the guitar's neck, making it perfect for you. you fell into the corner you typically shove yourself into, as your friends handed you a red cup with a clear liquid that smelled like tequila.

you took it straight, not caring about the consequences. your throat burned with sweet satisfaction, once the liquor dropped into your belly, you felt sweat bulb to your top lip. they handed you another, this time with a lime, and you noticed abby, the captain of the rugby team eyeing you. this wouldn’t have been the first time you caught her staring. you flutter your heavy lashes in her direction as you bite your lower lip ever so slightly. abby was attractive, she was fit beyond belief and you could imagine the type of positions she could put you in with no effort. she started making a stride towards you in her all black ensemble.

a text hits your home-screen, it’s ellie.

come smoke.

you ignore the message as abby comes beaming with a smile.

“hey pretty.” she muttered.

i know you’re here come onnnn.

ellie knew you only smoked with her, she wouldn’t ask you otherwise. so, you grab abby by the hand and grin right back at her. “you wanna come smoke with me?” you ask, not really giving her a choice.

was your intent to make ellie jealous… no… but yes, because you were only just friends. abby follows your lead naturally towards the back patio glimmering brightly ahead. you both slip past the kitchen, through the sliding doors where ellie is chatting with her roomates, and you wave at her. she’s not blitzed yet, so she has a smug look on her face when she sees abby. her twisted face is illuminated by the fairy lights gleaming softly around the perimeter of the porch.

“hey els," abby says.

“hi you.” you said, reaching directly for the blunt in her hand.

her eyes scan your body, she loved when you wore that outfit, as you bent down she snuck a look at your breast, clearly spilling out of your top. abby sits in the wooden lawn chair just parallel of ellie and you perch yourself in her lap, her hands automatically coming around your waist. they were bigger than they seemed and you felt a heat patch warm your core. ellie could never hide her facial expressions, she attempted to not turn to look, instead, she turned her chair.

beer?” she asks abby.

“yes please. thanks.” abby replies.

“make me something.” you demand.

ellie sets her jaw and moves slowly into the kitchen past a herd of people. you bring the blunt to your lips, sucking in, holding, then exhaling away from abby’s face. she was watching you intently, noticing how your lips puckered. you turn to her and place it between her lips, she coughed violently as the smog entered her lungs.

“aw. sorry, I didn't—“

“nope it's,” she said with her thick throat. “never got to smoke because of rugby.”

you just hit her with an understanding face as you shift on her lap. her left hand moves to rest on your inner thigh and her other just at the curve of your ass as you perch closer into her. you face the joint and grab her cheeks, blowing smoke into her mouth, she inhales softly, both of your lips practically touching. you’d never give her the satisfaction as you noticed her hips pressing your backside.

ellie stood behind you both, holding a can of beer and a cocktail glass filled with your drink. you handed off the joint and took both in your hands. ellie noticed how close abby’s hands were to your crotch and became red with jealousy. ellie looked you in your eyes as she pushed out smoke from between her lips. as you sipped your Ellie concoction, abby’s hands trailed up your back under your top, she pulled you in closer to her chest as she whispered in your ear. “you’re so fucking hot.”

you giggle at her praises but feel a knot form in your stomach as you keep unwavering eye contact with ellie’s as Abby continues to spout praises. you press down harder in her lap where she thrusted upwards into your ass.

“so, you guys ready to graduate?” ellie interrupted, seeing how flustered you got.

you sipped to avoid speaking as abby turned her head to answer ellie.

“yes. i’m thinking about backpacking around Asia for a bit.”

“really? i’ve always wanted to do —“

“since when?” ellie cuts you off in a fiery spit.

abby coughs and sips her beer in a gulp, finishing it all.

“need another?” you ask.

abby nods kindly and gently pats your ass as you get up. ellie passes the blunt to abby and follows you inside to go to the drink fridge in the basement. you know she’s following you, you can practically feel her breath on your neck as you zig-zag toward the steps. you reach the bottom of the basement stairs and see ellie’s silhouette at the top. you try and reach for the string near the lightbulb but can’t find it, your heart beats loudly in your ears as ellie’s converse tap towards you. she stands right in front of you, without saying a word, you can smell her shampoo mixed with weed, and she reaches up to turn the light on. you look at her light pink eyes, and furrowed brows, and notice her heaving.

for a moment you both just stand in thick silence.

“i have to get abby a beer.” you felt your feet become heavy and your mind drifted.

before you could even open the refrigerator door an inch, she slams it shut. her eyebrows raise in curiosity.

“speak.” you demand.

taken aback, she gasps at your boldness. “well—I— what the fuck?”

you shove past her and take another beer in your hands ignoring her dropped jaw.

“you come to my party, rubbing up on that bitch, sitting in her lap… wha-when has that ever been like you?”

“are you the only one allowed to have fun?”

she froze, as abby called out.

“hey, you okay?”

her voice was so protective, you felt her gaze down at the top of the stairs, making sure ellie didn’t do anything stupid.

“i’m fine, ellie was helping me with something. i’ll be up.”

you tried to convince abby, but she still stood watching, which made ellie twitch with anger.

“i’m going to go to the bathroom pretty.” abby finally says leaving.

“okay!” you yell out.

“if you go, please don’t…” she babbled.

you liked seeing her so weak for you, but it wasn’t enough. you stood your ground and dared to move past her, but she stopped you by grabbing your wrist. “ellie get off of me.”

you felt the wine and weed settle in, you were sweating, panting, and fingertips buzzing. her touch felt so good, you couldn’t deny that.

“pretty.” she mocked.

At least someone sees it, you thought.

—

you officially lost Abby, she must’ve left or found someone else to caress. you didn’t mind, deep down you knew that’s not who you really wanted anyway. as you sipped a lone beer and wandered around the house your high was kicking in and the music entered your ears in a blur. no words were clear, just the bass booming on the hardwood creating a vibration under you. you reach the end of the hallway, where ellie’s room door stood. it seemed taller than usual, more daunting, stretching several feet upwards. you actually had never been in her room before; you saw it on her stories, or on facetime, but never in person. as you reached for the cold, gold knob you pause.

you hear ellie’s laugh boom from behind you, so you follow it like sonar. you see her taking shots with her bandmates and you watch as her t-shirt lifts up ever so slightly to expose her naval. you wanted to know what it tasted like. her feet wobbled underneath her, and she was tipsy. you blink your eyes several times as you find a wall to lean on, and your hand travels back down the hall to open the big, scary door. you creep inside, it’s dark, but in the corner is a small desk lamp that illuminates a yellow hue onto the room. her bed was on the floor, room unpacked, shit was all on the floor, and her guitars were perched in the left corner of the room. to the right was her bathroom, you saw your reflection and had to focus to see your face. your eyes pink, lips wet, and body warm. you sipped more beer as you turned to her shower, you imagined ellie’s naked body, the way she rubbed the bar of soap around her neck, nipples, and in between.

you went to sit on Ellie’s bed, you began to roll yourself in her messy, undone bedding. her smell was so thick, bruising your nostrils, filling you up. you remember how she treated you when dina was around and you became more pissed off. you swallowed the last drops of your drink and threw the bottle on the ground. warm tears began to bud and then you realized how your mascara would run down your cheeks. you pulled out your phone to check the damage.

lets talk, im sorry.

ellie’s message from two hours ago, you freeze, it’s been two hours? you bring your palms to your forehead and let out a soft sob.

“i’ll be back, yea!” ellie hollers from the hallway.

you straighten up immediately, she walks in hand in her hair, surprised to see you.

“oh.” she says softly.

you couldn’t help but sigh. you set your phone down on the ground and look up at her, she had a slight smile on her face seeing you like this, not knowing you were on the verge of tears just now. she closes the door behind her, bends down, and lifts your chin up.

“you’re gone.” she giggles.

you push her hand away and turn your face.

“let me take care of you, come on. it’s the least I can do,”

the softness in her voice shook you.

“did you get my text lovey?”

all you can muster is a nod as you begin to scoot towards the head of her bed.

“why don’t you just, get comfortable, i’ll get you something to throw on.”

she rummages loud through her boxes, which makes your head pound, and tosses you a clean, grey zip-up. she leaves the room quietly, flicking on the light in the bathroom and closing the door after she clicks off the table lamp. you remove your jeans and top, leaving you in your lace panties.

your head is pounding as you become more intoxicated by the scent of her earthy shampoo lingering on her pillow. you inhaled the familiar scent, imagining your hands running through her hair, pulling her closer to your neck. the door opens and you jolt as you remember you never put on the zip-up.

“I’m sorry— I,” ellie gulps as she spills the glass of water she brought for you onto herself. you roughly zip yourself into the warmth that smelt like her laundry detergent.

“i’m good.” you mutter.

you both share a familiar laugh, and her gaze becomes shifty as she thinks about your body. she hands you a half-full glass of cold water with a nervous smile.

“glass half full, right?”

you sip and chuckle.

stupid, fucking stupid Els, she thinks.

she sits beside you at the opposite end of the bed, she ignores the fact that she can see your thighs unhindered by any fabric not obstructing her view. even though it was dark, she could still see you illuminated by the bathroom light.

“good, urm,” she peered down at her now sheer shirt. “i will go and get ready for bed.”

her nipples were suddenly erect from the cold water spreading onto her chest. You couldn’t help but notice them perk from under the thin, wife-pleaser material. she stood up to grab her night clothes and head for the bathroom, leaving you smothered in darkness. you couldn’t tell if your eyes were open or not, but the four walls that you imagined around you spun.

you heard the water from the shower turn on and your fantasy brightened, thinking about ellie’s body. you became more drunk on the image of ellie touching herself in the shower because of you. knowing how intently she was watching you grind against abby, not only did it make her furious, it turned her on. she knew she made a mistake, picking dina over you all these years. you push your hips upwards, riding the mattress, inhaling ellie’s scent.

you found her name leave your lips softly, Ellie.

Ellie.

you couldn’t tell the difference between your voice and your subconscious desire of moaning her name. you began to imagine her holding you.

Ellie.

“lovey, you okay?” she said frightening you.

you paused, realizing she opened the bathroom door, drying her hair on a towel. Her grey boxers clung to her body so sweetly. she wore a distressed band tee that sat just above her belly button. you had formed sweat around your hairline and your body perfectly contoured into the mattress.

“i’m okay. yea, thanks.”

she sighed as she bent down to sit at the edge of the bed. as she dried her hair she was thinking of the next move to make. you were bunched up under yourself, warm from embarrassment. her hand wrapped around your ankle gently, which shocked you, but your reaction time was too slow. she leaned over to kiss your leg, kisses feeling like a pure electric shock, you groaned at finally feeling her touch.

“els.” you managed to say.

“what?” She said in between kisses, finally coming up the side of your thigh, with her left hand coasting up your backside.

“no. i can’t.”

your body pushes her hands away, startling her. she looked at you in pure shock, as if you were the one who was wrong. she crawled towards you with undeniable lust in her eyes.

“why not?” she asked dumbfounded.

“you rejected me all this time. you… dina…” you say attempting to jog her memory.

“dina and i so what.” she moved an inch on all fours.

“you chose her over me, so that’s that.”

“baby,” she groaned.

you melt at her voice, you couldn’t help it.

" okay, i was scared. scared to disappoint you, I’m not… I’m not sure how to be in a relationship. dina was fun, easy, she didn’t care. I wanted you, I just- 'm so fucking dumb,” she rambled.

you grimaced at her name, you had grown so spiteful of her that even the mention of her made you tense. ellie was now in your bubble, she laid her head on the pillow beside you, and sincerity filled her eyes.

“you could’ve told me that. you know that I was your best friend ellie.”

she flinches at her own name. “I know, I know.” she muttered as she tucked her hand behind your neck and leaned in to kiss you. her lips were pillowy and wet, better than anything you’ve ever felt. she swiped the bottom of your lip entering her tongue inside your mouth. you groan at the taste of her and her huffing as she pushes deeper into your mouth. your hands drift to her waist and you pull your leg up over her body, pulling her closer.

your hands travel up her back into her scalp. she pulls away and pierces your pupils, she meant everything she said, you saw it. “i’m sorry lovey, i was just scared.” she added.

you could only force out a hmm.

"please forgive me?" she says, pecking your neck slowly with staccato kisses.

her tongue swirls up the side of your neck and wraps around your lobe as she pleads, "please." desperately pushing up against you.

and for a moment you consider forgiveness.

#lesbian #ellie williams fanfic #ellie fluff #ellie the last of us #ellie x reader #ellie tlou #abby x reader #fluff #tlou fluff #soft!ellie #college au #light angst #ellie angst #ellie williams #ellie williams smut #ellie x blk!reader #x black reader

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s-4pphics · 1 year

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scent of the pine. 1 (e.w.)

omg i finally wrote something who woulda thought gosh golly damn hey yall whos gay around here

wc;cw: 9.6k mmmm, sistersbestfriend!ellie, guitarist/producer!ellie, violinist!oc, so many time skips and theyre not even done yet omg, queer duh, all ocs r black coded<3, mentions of underage smoking/drinking(nics n weed obv), partying, making out, blood(it’s fake but still), all tlou kids appear including *gasp* cat, lots of ocs theyre gonna thrive in later chaps, depression, anxiety, disassociation, crack(it’s not all bad yall laugh a little!!), mentions of therapy, uh yeah just alot of sad and drama, smut in later chaps🤭🤭

You have always been surrounded by music.

When you were born, your mother quieted your screams with song, holding you close to her chest and gently whispering words of affection and love into your ears while your three-year-old sister jumped in celebration for new life.

When you were two, your mother gave you your first ever violin toy. Your sister had taken a large interest in the flute at age four, saying that the whistling noises sounded like birdies! and she wanted to give you the same exposure. It could have been sheer luck or her maternal instincts, but you quickly became attached to it. It was small and inexpensive and hardly sounded like a violin, but its bright lights and animated face near the scratched, poorly painted F-holes entranced you like no other. You couldn’t stop fiddling with the red, blue, and green buttons across the body, and every time it played the same robotic instrumental, you waved your arms around with the biggest smile on your face, like you could fly away from elation. Your sister would sometimes jump in and blow into her months old pink recorder while the instrumental played from your toy, imagining you were a part of a world-renowned orchestra: the musical harmony between the two of you brought your mother joy.

When you turned three, your mom and sister invited over some of her friends to help make cupcakes topped with musical notes for your special day. You sat on the couch with your favorite toy in hand as the instrumental played, jumping up and down on the cushion from pure excitement. Your sister’s friends kept you entertained while your mother prepared dinner, banging together pots and pans with wooden spoons and dancing, imagining them as drums. All four of them made you laugh with jokes, sang to you—one of them even played a song on one of her miniature, bright green guitars— and allowed you to experience some of the joys of life through symphonic expression.

When you were four, your mother noticed differences in your behavior. She noted that you and your sister were polar opposites: she was outspoken, unapologetic, and animated, while you were shy, polite, and timid. You hardly ever spoke unless spoken to, and though no one around you judged you for it, your mother often wondered what went on in your head. Despite your lack of communication, she never doubted the fire inside you: she saw it in your eyes whenever you watched footage of some of the most famous names in the classical world play their hearts out. When you were five, she signed you up for violin lessons.

When your big sister turned eight, she and her friends' released screams of excitement when she revealed her very first flute. She jumped in excitement, —mostly out of relief that she wouldn't have to berate you and your mom with the shrilling bleats of her old, pink recorder— shrieking about how she and her friends should start a band as soon as possible.“How the hell would a trumpet player fit in a rock band, you idiot?” You remembered your sister's best friend, Ellie, saying quietly so your mother wouldn’t hear from the kitchen, earning a playful shove from Jesse, your next-door neighbor. The dark-haired girl, Dina—who lived two houses down and had a large obsession with slapping her mother’s keyboard in the middle of the night—bursted into a fit of giggles while pointing at the young boy, making him blush.

You were always very observant of your sister's friends. You didn’t have many opportunities to make some of your own due to your incessant need to isolate, so you managed with what you had. They intrigued you: they were loud, lively, and exuberant. They never shied away from demonstrating their talents to you or your mom, especially the green-eyed, auburn-haired girl that almost always had her father’s black acoustic guitar strapped around her small frame on the three-block walk to your house. You remembered when she brought the guitar to school to play for the other students during lunch time, which landed her in after-school detention after she scolded one of her teachers for confiscating it, claiming that they were “limiting creative expression” and telling them to “screw themselves”.

When Ellie’s father, Joel, came to pick up your sister's friends from her party, Ellie jokingly pinched your side and threw you a quick see ya, squirt! while her and her two friends laughed and waved their way out of your front door. Your face ran hot as you watched them—her—leave. You didn’t get to reply before they ran down your porch in a heap of giggles. Watch the road, nuggets! I don’t have life insurance! You remembered Joel calling out to them as they sprinted across the street.

When you turned eight years old, your mother gave you your very first authentic violin and bow, the black case wrapped in glittery, floral paper. As usual, your sister and her friends grabbed and shook your shoulders out of excitement and anticipation of seeing you play since they never have, which you politely declined. You have always shied away from revealing your natural talent due to your scalding fear of embarrassment, resulting in only your mother and violin teacher knowing your abilities. You blushed as your sister, Jesse, and Dina pressed on, pleading that you play at least a couple of chords for them, causing Ellie to playfully come to your defense with a high-spirited squeal of she’s shy, you heathens! leave her be before I kick all your asses!

From that moment on, you always looked up to Ellie and her comfortability with herself. You never thought that you would meet someone more confident than your sister, but Ellie had her beat for miles. Regardless of where she was or what she did, she moved with a confidence that you only dreamt of having at that age. You wanted so desperately to mimic her, but that annoying voice of doubt never failed to remind you of your place. You made sure your light was dimmed, always.

When your sister was twelve, she began to take music very seriously. She went from two flute sessions a week to five, only to return home and play some more. She’d even performed in some of her school's recitals (she vomited across the stage during her first performance, but a victory is a victory). You watched your mother scold her about not completing her homework as she stood practicing in the living room while you silently ate your dinner, which led to her half-heartedly completing her assignments with a frown on her face. Over the next year and a half, your sister's scolding started to get more intense as her grades dropped. She was never much of a scholar, but she never let her grades slip under as much as they had then. Although her music teacher was sending her home with nothing but praises after every lesson, your mom often received letters in the mail from your sister's school saying that her performance was concerning. You’d heard your mother reprimand her countless times, saying you’re not going to survive high school like this! look at what you’re doing! while your sister claimed I know exactly what I’m doing, I want to be better! I’m following my dreams! why aren’t you proud of me? They had exchanged more harsh words until you heard your sister's door slam shut and your mothers silently resigned to her room in defeat.

You heard your sister’s cries through your shared wall for a while, until a gentle voice—Ellie’s, you recognized—consoled her and told her to calm down until her whimpers silenced. You knew she had a habit of secretly climbing up into your sister's window to hang out when your mom didn’t allow company over, but you didn’t know that she also always showed up when your sister needed another source of comfort. You slowly got up and left your room, silently walking down the hall until you reached your sister's door. You wanted to knock and see if she was okay, but before you could do so, the door opened and out walked Ellie, clad in her usual dark jeans and T-shirt, bracelets covering her wrists in mass, and dirty, scuffed chucks and socks in hand. She jumped slightly when she witnessed someone waiting behind the door, but instantly relaxed when she realized it was you.

“Hey, squirt. Why are you creepin’ behind the door like that?” She whispered with a small chuckle, gently shutting your sister’s door.

“Sorry.” You whispered back. “I heard her crying and I wanted to check on her. How is she?”

“She’ll be fine. She got a headache and fell asleep. I was just tucking her in, don’t worry.” She gently said, looking down at you. “I was just about to head out. Mind lockin’ the front door for me?”

“Why don’t you just leave out the window again?”

She snorted before she asked, “Dude, do you know how hard it is to climb down that rickety ass ladder you guys have outside? I almost broke my neck climbing down that thing in that storm last month.”

You quietly laughed alongside her while she bent down to put her socks back on. “What are you doing up anyway? It’s late and you have class tomorrow.”

“So do you.” You said, raising an accusatory brow at her. “Plus, I'm not tired, I’m bored.”

“I’m not tired”, she said mockingly. “What do you wanna do right now?”

“Don’t you have to be home soon?”

She waited a second before a mischievous smirk creeped on her face, “Yeah, but who cares. C’mon.”

She grabbed your wrist before quickly pulling you back into your room and gently shutting the door behind you. She took note of your room: pink and purple everything. Your walls were drenched in white and pink stripes with giant, iridescent, butterfly stickers, your bedspread had small specks of glitter sprinkled across it, which shimmered from your pink and green fairy lamp. You had a small tv propped up on your dresser, which was covered in fairy and Disney princess stickers, at the front of your room. She couldn’t help but snicker at the mountain of plushies that crowded your bed and nightstand. However, she halted when she noticed a small glass case that held two violins with their bows. She recognized the first one: a gift from your mother on your eighth birthday that had lost some shine, and another, much glossier and more tuned than the latter. It looked barely used. A small burst of joy exploded in her chest at the thought of you playing even though she had never seen it. She was happy to know that your love for music still lived.

“Your room’s cute, dude, it’s making my skin crawl like crazy, holy fuck,” she said with a soft laugh, leaning back against your door.

“Don’t make fun of me, you freakin' metalhead! It’s pretty in here and I like it,” you said begrudgingly, “Your room's scary!”

She let out a loud laugh before she acknowledged your glass-guarded instruments, “You still play?”

She nodded towards your protected instruments. You nodded from your bed and excitedly said, “Yeah, come sit! I never had a slumber party before!”

You spent the night quietly watching Peter Pan, gossiping about how in love you were with him and how you wished you could fly. Ellie silently watched you talk with curious, wide eyes as you went on tangent after tangent. You talked about movies you loved and boys you liked (which she playfully gagged at), and music you liked to listen to when you were sad, and she internalized all of it. She had never seen this side of you before, but she was so intrigued that she didn’t notice her own intensity in her own eyes. You just kept going and going before you abruptly stopped, the brightness in your eyes dimming slightly as you looked at her.

“Sorry for talking a lot,” you said, embarrassed. “Am I annoying?”

“‘Course not, squirt,” she said confused, but immediately. “Why the hell would you think that?”

You didn’t say anything, but her affirmation reignited the fire in your eyes as your rambles started up again. She let you talk until you sloppily fell asleep across your pillows and plushies, tv still quietly playing in the background. She gently got up from her position, careful not to wake you, pulled your blankets over your frame, and stealthily left through your sister’s window. She made her way back home, envisioning you playing your violin for her one day.

Ellie became the person that you turned to whenever you needed reassurance. She’d never failed at making you feel acknowledged and seen and heard.

Age thirteen was the first time you anticipated the summer. Middle school had been a very disconnected period for you, and though many of your peers had experienced a sense of helplessness through these trine times of adolescence, yours was slowly overtaking your ability to feel excitement for anything. You had become so detached to the world around you and that annoying, discouraging voice had only spurred on your distance. This dark state that you entered caused you to separate from everyone, including your own family. Your last day of eighth grade was the giddiest you had felt in a long time, and you couldn’t wait to get back to your place of solitude—home.

Your sister entered her element in high school. Much to your mother’s delight, she was able to find a balance between fulfilling her dreams as a musical prodigy while staying afloat academically.

You had been attending your violin lessons for eight years, and though you were blessed with your musical perception, —according to your teacher—you never played in front of an audience. Though your teacher was eager to put you in the children’s orchestra that he trained, your mother did not want to push you into something you weren’t ready for, so she'd always decline politely.

In July, Dina invited you and your sister over to a pool party. Her parents were going to be out for the weekend, and she thought that it’d be the perfect time to be reckless. When you and your sister walked in with your towels and snacks in hand, she greeted you both with an excited squeal, beckoning you both to the backyard. Ellie, Dina’s older sister, Talia, and a few older girls that you didn’t recognize, were already in the water, splashing and laughing.

“Look who just arrived, cunts! My babies, my angels, the lights of my life— “

“Ay, shut the fuck up!” the blonde-haired girl yelled with a grin, causing Dina to flip her off and the others to laugh.

You modestly held your folded towel in your hand, smiling at their interaction. Your sister had already discarded her towel, shorts, and flip flops on a random beach chair before she cannonballed into the pool, causing everyone to swear and splash her. Dina then jumped in right behind her with a shout. They all blended so well, and you curled into yourself. Maybe you should go—

“Get over here, squirt! It’s hot as fuck out here,” Ellie shouted out with a smile, before a girl in a black bikini playfully jumped on her back, planting a light kiss on her shoulder. Something unfamiliar panged in your chest, but you nodded and slipped off your flip flops before making your way over to the pool stairs, slowly submerging yourself into the water.

“You’re still calling her squirt like she’s four, cut it out already,” Dina called out with a snort before she addressed you.

“I’m not sure if your sister ever mentioned anything about these losers but they’re some friends from school, that’s Cat, Abby, and Riley,” she said and pointed them out, “and they’re really fucking annoying—

“Shut the hell up before I drown you,” said Abby with a straight face.

“Yeah, keep talking to me like that— “

“ANYWAYS,” Ellie interrupted, “We missed you kid, where ya been?”

“Just at home, nothing crazy. I’m glad to finally be out, though.” I think I’m depressed, please don’t notice.

“She’s lying, I nearly had to drag her ass outta bed by her feet to detangle her hair this morning,” your sister corrected with an over dramatic eye roll.

“I’m just tired,” you said meekly. “School was hard these past two weeks.”

“I bet it was! Literally no one ever talks about how crazy middle school is! I damn near backflipped off the stage at our promotion,” Riley commented with a head shake, making Abby aggressively nod her head in agreement.

As the side conversations continued, your attention was overtaken by Ellie, who had moved to the opposite side of the pool to whisper something into the short-haired girl’s—Cat, who hasn’t acknowledged you yet—ear, which made her giggle and half-heartedly push Ellie away. The green-eyed girl didn’t budge, wrapping her arms around the girl's waist, pulling her closer and, much to your surprise, planting a quick kiss on her cheek. Cat had a tight grip on Ellie’s olive-green rash guard as she held her and shared soft whispers that you wished you heard. Was that her girlfriend? you thought. You knew Ellie liked girls due to her almost two-year long crush on Riley, which she confided in you and your sister about when she was fourteen. She had wildly knocked on your sister’s window in the middle of the night with a tear-stained face, frantically pacing and claiming that something was wrong with her.

Why the fuck do I want to kiss her and hold her hand whenever I see her?

This is bad, this is really really bad, guys, something’s wrong!

What do I do, how do I stop this!

You had never seen her so defeated, and her wet cheeks and scared eyes made your chest hurt with a sharp stab. Your sister had pulled her into a tight hug and quietly hummed a tune in her ear to soothe her sobs, while you gently rubbed her back and told her that she was going to be okay. She ended up staying the night, dozing off while holding one of your sister’s stuffed animals close to her chest while the two of you held her from both sides. You and your sister hadn’t slept in the same bed since she was six.

As the party slowly died down and Talia, who snuck away to her room much earlier, beckoned everyone inside with a get outta the pool you freaks! you’re gonna prune! from the back door, you all resigned inside to rinse off and change clothes before heading to the living room to watch a scary movie. You silently smacked on your sour gummy worms on the lone lounge chair as you watched Abby, Riley, and your sister cower behind pillows to block the screen while Dina snored loudly, while Cat and Ellie snuggled on a lounge chair. She had her chin propped up on the dark-haired girl’s head to see the screen while she rubbed her back.

As the film progressed, you saw the couple making small movements out of the corner of your eye. Cat began to subtly plant soft kisses on her cheek, neck, and shoulder, causing the auburn-haired girl to smirk, moving her head to the side to give her more access. You saw Ellie pull her girlfriend’s shirt up slightly, rubbing the exposed skin on her hip. You seemed to be the only one who noticed as the girls on the other couch squealed at another jump scare. Ellie and her girlfriend shared a more intense kiss, and you saw a glistening tongue poke out. That made you avert your gaze and you blushed, embarrassed that you were catching such an intimate moment. You quickly got up with a quick excuse of I gotta pee, making your way to the bathroom down the hall. Your face was boiling, and your heart pounded in your chest as you soaked your hands with icy water before wiping them down your face, that voice in the back of your head asking what the fuck your problem was.

You slowly looked up at your reflection in the mirror to center yourself, but your vision started to blur, and hands began to shake. You tried to take deep breaths; you tried you tried you tried but the air left your lungs as quickly as it entered.

Breathe, breathe breathebreathebreathe—

You jumped at the soft knock on the bathroom door, and you ripped it open without hesitation, revealing a concerned Ellie, Dina, and sibling, reaching out and asking if you were okay. How long were you there? You couldn’t speak or breathe or see so you swiftly shook your head no nonono—

Ellie and your sister guided you back to the living room and onto the couch. Ellie squatted down to your eye level, grabbing your face in her warm hands while your sister rubbed your back and Dina held your hand. The other girls’ expressions had been pulled down in concern as they watched your smaller frame tremble.

“Hey squirt, can you do me a favor? Can you breathe with me?”

“Cmon, deep breath in and hold it with me, follow me okay?” Ellie instructed. Your mimicked breaths were choked and broken, but she nodded her head at you in encouragement anyway, gently whispering a that’s it every time you shakily exhaled.

All the girls remained silent but attentive, allowing Ellie to control the situation. Riley had even gone to the kitchen to snag you a glass of water that she set on the coffee table. You tried to match Ellie’s breaths with yours, holding, in and out, holding, in and out, and you eventually calmed down. There was silence for a few minutes before Dina spoke.

“How do you feel, hun? You okay to talk now?” she asked softly while gently caressing your hand. You didn’t know how to answer, so you meekly nodded your head yes.

“Tell us what’s been going on with you. You’ve been so… MIA lately,” your friend noted, cringing slightly at her choice of words.

“I… I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know what… what’s happening to me—

“Shh, it’s alright, we’re gonna handle it, just try to relax for now. We’re leaving in a little, anyway,” your sister comforted. You felt Ellie’s calloused fingers gently rub your knee soothingly. You just wanted to lay down.

After some more hugs and forehead smooches from Dina, you and your sister packed up your things and headed home. You weren’t aware, but Ellie met your sister’s eyes with an intense gaze, quietly instructing her before you both left, (“You need to watch her tonight, do you understand? You watch her until tomorrow and you tell your mom what happened the second you get a chance”) which she immediately agreed to.

Your sister had held your hand tightly as you both made your way to your front porch. Your sister pulled out her semiquaver keychain, unlocking the door and quietly trudged inside. Your home was dark, meaning that your mother had already been in bed. Your sister hadn’t released the tight grip of your hand the entire trek upstairs. She opened her bedroom door, silently pulling you inside and made her way over to her dresser. She gave you a giant T-shirt to change into as she put her bonnet on. You both brushed your teeth and washed your face before heading over to her bed. You laid down facing each other, tucked under the blankets. You both looked at each other in silence, but she broke it.

“I want you to tell me why that happened, no bullshit.”

You didn’t reply. You were tired.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” She pressed on. You noted the desperation in her eyes. Your heart was hurting.

Silence.

Her eyes shut in defeat before she turned her back to you. Your eyes burned into the worn shirt she wore. Just say it, the voice in your head screamed at you, tell her how worthless you are!

Silence.

And then an exhale.

“I think I need to talk to someone.”

You did not expect the rest of your summer to be filled with therapy sessions and journal entries. When your sister told your mother about the events of that night, much to your dismay, she immediately made some phone calls and scheduled sessions twice a week. You had to pause your violin sessions for a few weeks, and you missed it, but you knew this was more important. Your mother expressed her remorse for not paying closer attention to your behavior. Your distance, your lack of energy, your reluctance to speak, your silence—God, your silence. You were screaming without a word. She felt that she’d failed you, and she wanted to do as much as she could to reignite that light in your eyes.

You hadn’t looked forward to these meetings in the beginning, but you soon grew to like your therapist. Even though your feelings were confusing and unfamiliar to you, she was in no rush to get answers out of you. She allowed you to speak at your own pace and listened to every minor detail. She concluded that your self-doubt has bubbled over into anxiety: she recommended you journaling. She wanted you to document one thing that you loved about yourself everyday (“It can be anything: appearance, personality, talents. Whatever you wish. Just make sure you mean it”).

And so, you did.

The next month flew by, the last bits of summer slowly easing into fall, and you were going to start your first year of high school. Your mother and sister had noticed a slight change in your behavior during your break: you started eating dinner with them instead of in your room, asked how their day went, what their week looked like. Your sister would ramble about how stressed she was for her last year but also how excited she was to perform with the school’s orchestra at the December recital and, for the first time in what felt like forever, you rambled back. Your mother had listened from the kitchen as you two gossiped, argued, and even planned to play music together in the future. Her heart swelled. You also started hanging out with Dina, Ellie, Jesse, and your sister a lot more: one night, you followed them back to Joel and Ellie’s garage to watch them freestyle on some of his used instruments. Jesse, who babbled to you about his new love for drumming, demonstrated some techniques he had adapted from Joel on his old drum set while your sister nodded her head along to the beats he made. Dina was already improvising on their brand new sixty-one key keyboard, headphones on to tune out the noise the four of you were making. Ellie, who had stepped away to answer her girlfriend’s call, had her father’s bright green, electric bullet mustang strapped around her chest. She noticed you staring and sent you a thumbs up, you giving one back. She sent you a wink and a smile before turning away to continue her conversation. Your heartbeat increased.

Ellie had become much more attentive after that night at the party. She had always been protective of you, but her desire to talk to you increased tenfold. She would text you fried memes in the middle of the night or leave voice memos about how her dad was helping her customize his old electric guitar. She chattered about wanting to record the entire process for all of you to see.

i feel like if i help my dad with anything he’ll wring my neck :| he’s so particular abt instruments it’s annoying

that sucks :( but at least he cares!! he’s just passionate and wants u to play the best.

he gave it to ME tho. the guitar is mine now!! i should have some input on how it looks be on my side!!! >:/

i am!! just be patient with him. ur gonna be shredding w it soon enough :D

And she also never failed to check in on you for more serious matters, either. She never pressed for information, not wanting to overstep, but she always ensured that you had a safe space to discuss anything you wanted with her. After some of your meetings, you would already have a text from her asking how your session went and what you learned. You would send her voice memos about some of your therapist’s pointers about communication and how you were trying to improve that skill for your family, especially your mom. She also provided some advice about what helped her regain her footing in conversation, joking that no one could ever get me to shut the hell up at the end of the day! that’s for damn sure.

Ellie wasn’t aware, but you started writing about her in your journal, as well. Small, little excerpts of what you liked about her and how she made you feel. How caring she was. How she made your heart beat fast whenever she was around. How strong she felt when she pulled you in for a tight hug while whispering about how she missed you—

Oh.

You were helpless… and gay.

It was late into November. You were fourteen and elated.

Not only had you slowly eased back into music, but you had friends. That you made on your own. You knew that your sister and her friends didn’t want to drag you along everywhere they went, both on and off campus, so you began to explore other paths by yourself. Swiftly after the school year started, you joined the campus orchestra, and while you were terrified, you were excited. Impassioned. Hopeful.

There were all types of groups that passed through the practice room. Students of all grades hung out, ate, and studied there: you were shocked at the number of students that lounged in the designated nerd hotspot during their free time. This is nothing like the movies, you had thought. You noted that the room was not as busy on Thursdays during lunch, and you thought it would be a good time to tune out the outside world and throw yourself into music again. One Thursday, you walked in on a group of juniors whispering and giggling about something you couldn’t hear. You looked around and noticed one of the girls from your biology class—Arya, you remembered—pushed off into a corner by herself, on her knees and hurriedly shoving her things into her backpack. She looked upset.

She looked sad.

The juniors had been talking about her.

You had your violin case and lunch in hand as you slowly made your way past the juniors and in front of her. You noticed her tear-stained cheeks shining under the white light of the room as you got closer. You softly greeted her, making her jump and eyes harden.

“Hey, Arya, you alright?” You whispered, squatting down to her level.

“What do you think,” She whispered back harshly, continuing to shove her books into her pack. “Does it look like I’m alright? If you’re here to laugh you can honestly fuck off.”

You’d flinched at her tone but pressed on. “I didn’t walk all the way here to laugh at you. Let's go somewhere else, we can eat together, if you want!”

You could tell she had questioned your enthusiasm. She looked at you skeptically before looking behind you, at the juniors, and then back at you. You didn’t budge. She slowly rose to her feet, swung her backpack over her shoulder, grabbed her instrument case from the floor—hm, clarinet— and softly nodded. You both leaving caused the juniors to laugh harder.

You didn’t care.

You and Arya have done everything together since that day. She was eager to introduce you to her two friends, Starr and Kris, who you clicked with immediately. The second they sat you down, they raged about how much they hated the writers of Vampire Diaries due to how they treated Kat Graham, how they joked about hating talented people like you and Arya, what they wanted their future weddings to look like (Kris and her Pinterest boards), and you laughed.

You were calm.

You were happy.

Your first year of high school flew by.

Your sister earned her flute solo at the December recital, earning a standing ovation from the audience of students and parents. You and your mother screamed the loudest for her.

At Dina’s eighteenth birthday party, you, Ellie, and your sister walked in on her and Jesse tonguing each other down in the kitchen. Ellie let out a hardy laugh of are you fuckers serious! right in front of my salad? while your sister fell to the floor in hysterics. You had shielded your eyes.

April came around and so did prom season. Your sister said that she had been anticipating the event since seventh grade and you, your mom, and Dina were dragged along to her fitting. She had texted Ellie to come, but she swiftly declined, claiming that she couldn’t hide my fat dick in a dress! love you tho! buy me an elf bar? :3

You missed her so much.

On the evening of prom, your sister, Dina, Jesse, and Ellie all pitched in to rent a limo. Your sister, gorgeous as always, was draped in a strapless, floral gown that cinched her waist and bloomed at her hips and her twists were pinned up to show her neckline and back. Dina wore a flowy, black dress with a leg slit. Ellie and Jesse were dressed to a T in classic black suits, him in loafers and her in beat up Vans with her usual messy, low bun.

Your parents had all met at Joel’s house for pictures and semi-alcoholic drinks. You were touching up your sister’s makeup at Ellie’s desk in her room when you felt too familiar hands pinch your sides with a soft, hey squirt. You jumped, almost mussing up your sister’s liner, causing her to kick the hell out of Ellie’s calf. She feigned an ache before hitting her mint elf bar, blowing it away from both of your faces.

“Don’t fucking play with me right now bitch, I mean it, this is serious business,” your sister had said to her.

“Oh shut the hell up, it’s three hours of musty people dancing, it’s not that serious,” Ellie said before turning to you, “Check your sister, dude.”

“El, please shut up,” you said to her. “Just hold still, I'm almost done, god you’re both annoying!”

You worked as quickly as you could, slightly smudging the liner on her waterline until you were satisfied, “…aaaand done. Tell me how it looks right quick.”

She inspected her appearance, pressing on her baby hairs before turning and giving you a fat smooch, “Thank you baby! It’s perfect, now move, I gotta piss before we go.”

Your sister jumped up from Ellie’s chair, holding her dress up while flipping her off and lightly sprinting down the hall to the bathroom, which left you both giggling.

A bored Ellie had made her way over to her bed while you worked, laid out across it, silently puffing on her nic before saying, “I don’t know how you deal with her sometimes.”

“Me neither, honestly,” you replied, smiling. “Where’s Cat?”

“Somewhere being annoying. We had an argument last night.”

“Yikes, sorry I asked.”

She sat up before shrugging, beckoning you to sit next to her in the bed, “You’re good. She felt a way about my promposal. She went off about me not putting that much effort into the sign I made and waiting until the last minute to ask. It was petty.”

You snorted with a head shake as you watched her breathe menthol out her nose.

“Don’t laugh at my shortcomings! Wait ‘til you get a boyfriend, he’s gonna forget about prom too! It’s dumb.”

You froze. Boyfriend. Boyfriend? You laughed sheepishly with another shake of your head. She noticed your reaction before you could even reply. She smirked in acknowledgement.

“… or partner. Your partner might forget.” She quietly corrected with a sly grin.

“If you say anything I’ll strangle you and burn your corpse.”

“Oh my fucking god, did you forget that I lived in the closet for almost five years straight?! You’re fine.”

She took another puff before asking, “Anybody steal your heart yet?”

“Please be serious, I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. How do you even talk to girls without dying?” You said with a pout.

She almost fell over as she giggled. “You talk to girls like you talk to everyone else, you’re gonna charm them regardless. Trust me.”

You felt your face heat up at the subtle compliment, but you gave her an eye roll and light shove before your sister came trucking down the hallway with her heels in hand. She shrieked out a limo’s here! before flying down the stairs. Ellie took one more long puff of her pale green vape before tucking it into her jacket pocket, wrapping her arms around your smaller frame as she guided you downstairs.

She smelled like mint menthol and pine trees. You loved how she smelled.

Summer came, and you’d fully accepted your big, fat crush on Ellie.

Your journal had been riddled with doodles of her name surrounded by hearts and sparkles, written words of affection through poetry, more hearts and sparkles. You couldn’t stop thinking about her: everything that she said, everything she did, did something to you. But you didn’t know that the fluttering in your chest whenever she was around would be short lived.

Your sister had spent her eighteenth birthday at Cat’s family lake house. As much as you wanted to be a fly on the wall and watch your sister go crazy, you had to settle with viewing her private story from your warm bed on Friday night. It was a mess: she had posted multiple snaps of Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and herself taking shot after shot, chug after chug, until she posted a photo of Jesse’s head hanging out of a second story window with Dina’s hand on his back and Ellie cheesing wide with her two thumbs up, nic in hand. Her next snap, however, made your smile drop from your face.

The footage was a close—too close—up shot of Ellie and Cat making out against the wall. Ellie had her girlfriend trapped between her and the wood, both hands cradling her face as she dominated the kiss. She was grinding her hips up to meet the dark-haired girl’s, pressing her body further into the wall. Ellie then dropped her hands to her girlfriend’s hips, grabbing her short dress in her larger hands to pull her even closer. You barely noticed due to the shakiness of the camera, but you saw the pink glisten of your good friend's tongue swiping up into her girl's mouth before the snap ended.

You'd nearly dropped your phone on your face.

The clip had been hilarious out of context: the loud booming of clap clap clap that ass bitch, shake that cameltoe, lemme see them pussy lips! with your sister screaming and shaking like crazy in the background, Jesse behind the couple hurling his guts out of a window, and his concerned girlfriend pouting with a turquoise bong and lighter in her hand. Anyone would’ve found it comedic gold, but you?

Your stomach had twisted uncomfortably, not only from jealousy, but from a burning, swirling heat.

You dropped your phone on your bed and sat up as angry tears blurred your vision. You knew her and her girlfriend had been on and off for a while now, so why did it affect you so deeply to see them together? How stupid could you be? you thought she wanted you after all this time? a voice that you hadn’t heard in a while said to you. You’d recognized that tremor in your hands and pick-up of your heart, and you knew that you couldn’t be alone tonight. You sent a quick SOS text to your friends in the group chat, desperately seeking comfort. Arya, ever the angel, was the first to respond with a quick and simple omw rn, stealing her brother’s car keys to pick up Kris and Starr and flew straight to your house.

The girls held you while you sobbed, gently shushing you and encouraging you to take deep breaths.

Breathe with me, squirt, there ya go.

You wished that voice didn’t sound so much like hers.

Your sister and her friends had returned home Sunday night, hungover and exhausted like hell. You hadn’t moved from your bed all weekend, and you hadn’t wanted to get up to help her drag her bags in. You immediately recognized the laughter that came from downstairs, and your heart shook painfully in your chest. Their voices were muffled due to your door being shut, but you heard a cheerful I’ll go get her leave your sister’s mouth before the sound of her rushed footsteps flooded the quiet hallway.

You quickly flipped over so your back faced the door, your blanket thrown over your body as you pretended to sleep.

You heard your door open, some shuffling, before it was gently shut again. You listened to your sister shuffle back downstairs and you heard a faint she’s slumped…. tomorrow or something…

Their chatter and laughter continued into the night while you moped in your room. Your phone had pinged around eleven, a pop-up of sleep well, squirt:3 on your home screen.

You turned your phone off and threw it on your nightstand, shutting your eyes, praying for sleep to come.

You dreamt of green and pine trees.

You had begun your sophomore year, and your friends had been a good distraction from the inner turmoil of your heart. During the last bits of your vacation, Ellie had been texting you non-stop, eager to play you the completed version of a song she’d been working on for the past five months. She’d even finished customizing her father’s passed down electric guitar: you only knew because you frequently checked her Instagram, despite the ache you felt in your chest when you saw the posts of her and her girlfriend doing cute couple shit. Her guitar had been airbrushed raven black with silver strings, and a detailed white and green skull that she painted on the body. She’d sent you and your sister the entire video of her creation as promised, but you'd only replied with a dry thumbs up emoji. Her suspicions were correct: something serious was going on with you.

After your sister’s birthday weekend in July, Ellie texted you multiple times to come help her and Dina mix a song and watch movies, but you politely declined saying that you were busy and maybe another time :)! It technically wasn’t a lie: your sister came to your defense when she asked where you were, saying that your trigonometry grade had dropped significantly after your first test, and you were desperate to get it up before your mother noticed. She had accepted that excuse for the first two weeks, but after your sixth reply of busy :( rain check? she got agitated.

She started pressing your sister about your attitude after the first month without your knowledge, but she swiftly got brushed off with a dude, she's studying at her friend's house, can you relax and pack this bowl for me please?

Ellie laid in her bed after her hotbox with her friends, confused as to why you were acting so stiff with her so suddenly. Whenever she came over to your house, you locked yourself in your room and didn’t come out to greet her for whatever reason. She had been this close to marching to your house and kicking your bedroom door down herself before she received a notification that you had updated your private story. She clicked it, and played a video of one of your friends with a flyswatter in hand yelling about how she was a world-renowned mosquito killer until the bug started flying around the unfamiliar room. Multiple shrieks, including yours, were heard before the video abruptly ended.

Ellie swiped up on your story with a quick LOOOOOOL, but she wasn’t laughing. I guess she really was busy doing something, she thought. She felt bad for assuming that you had been purposefully avoiding her, but she was not used to you being unavailable. She was a clingy high, sue her.

She clicked her phone off and hoped she would see you soon.

Ellie’s eighteenth birthday had been two weeks away.

Her birthday never felt like her own; Her dad had always made a big deal about the celebration. He spent hours blowing up balloons for her eleventh, baking cupcakes(even though he nearly burned their entire house down) for her fourteenth, and bragged to the cashier at the vinyl shop about how much of an old soul his baby girl was(“Oh this isn’t for me, my daughter is obsessed with the oldies, I really rubbed off on her, she’s turning sixteen tomorrow and I wanna surprise her!”). She’d never complained, though. She’d never say, but she loved seeing him happy more than anything in the world.

However, her attitude towards her eighteenth birthday had been different. She was eager to celebrate her transition into adulthood with the people she loved the most. She knew that she wanted a slasher themed party with blood and gore everywhere. Her inner horror movie fan had been gasping for water for years, and she was finally going to quench her thirst.

Call her Jason.

You and your sister were arguing about who would dress up as Scream.

Ellie had given your sister an invitation to her big eighteenth, and although you were reluctant about going, your guilt had slowly been gnawing at you. The last message that Ellie sent you was almost three weeks ago: a simple miss u, which you left unread. You thought it was strange how no one acknowledged the tension between the two of you, but you hardly understood it yourself, and you began to feel remorseful.

You owed her an apology, and you planned to do it tonight.

“You’re not dressing up as Scream, bitch, I’m sorry! I got you this Jack the Ripper cape, try it on.” she said as she threw the cape and top hat on your bed.

“Jack the Ripper was racist, fact— “

“Most serial killers are! It’s for aesthetic purposes only! There’s no such thing as a moral compass on Halloween.”

You stared at her with a blank expression, before she resigned, retrieving the fit, “Ugh, fine, go as one of the most iconic slashers in film history, see if I give a damn.”

“Waaaaaa, you mad.” You said with a laugh.

She yelled back a DUH! as she marched down the hall and into the bathroom to change. Your mom wasn’t supportive of the slasher costume party, but she stood no chance against your sister’s persuasive pout and googly eyes.

An hour later, you both were dressed with your gifts in hand as your mother locked the door behind you. You couldn’t begin to imagine the reaction of your neighbors if they peeped out of their windows since Halloween wasn’t for another two weeks. They better not call the fucking cops, that's all I know! your sister shouted out into the quiet neighborhood before you shushed her.

Despite the anxiety in the pit of your stomach, you were eager to see Ellie. You and your sister had pitched in to get custom-made, embroidered guitar pics as her gift: you were hoping that she liked them.

It wasn’t long before you made it onto the Miller residence. Your sister scaled the stairs of their front porch like it was a mountain before banging on the door. It shot open seconds later and revealed Dina, dressed as Freddy Krueger, and Jesse as… Saw.

That mask always made an uncomfortable shiver go down your spine.

They both pulled you and your sister into tight hugs before pulling you further inside to shut the door. The entire downstairs area was lit with red LED lights with faux cobwebs spread across the kitchen and living room walls. You and your sister almost slipped on the fake blood that was splattered all over the wooden floor. There was a giant bowl of tooth-rotting chocolate and a bag of sour gummies on the counter, right next to the multitude of Jason figurines. There was also eerie music playing from Ellie’s speaker near the TV.

You couldn’t believe you had a crush on this loser.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD IM SO FUCKING EXCITED THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN HOLY SHIT— “

Your sister, then Dina, had already been trucking back up the stairs, as they released excited squeals, which only ignited more excited squeals from other voices you barely recognized.

Jesse threw his arms around you as he pulled you inside.

“Bro, where the fuck have you been, I haven’t seen you in ages!” He said, voice muffled under his mask and over the bass from the speakers.

“I know, I’m sorry, school is crazy right now, but I’m here now,” you said with a smile and just as muffled, walking over to the counter to rip open the sour gummy bag. “Are we supposed to be upstairs or something?”

“Nah, Cat and Riley, you remember Riley, are finishing up their costumes. They really went all out with the decor though, I was impressed.”

Your smile fell at the mention of her girlfriend, and you immediately knew that you weren’t going to have fun. You lifted your mask up to shove candied worms into your mouth in attempts to center yourself.

After ten minutes of ravishing the tart candies on the kitchen barstool, you heard quick, heavy footsteps descend the stairs.

You turned to see Ellie, Abby, Dina, Riley, Cat, and your sister descend the stairs, jumping excitedly at your get-up, laughing at your mask. You barely had the chance to stand from your seat and greet everyone before Ellie pushed past them to pull you into a rib-cracking hug. You could hardly move to return the gesture.

“I missed you so much, squirt, holy shit,” she whispered into your ear. You would’ve dropped to your knees if it wasn’t for her grip. “Where have you been, are you doing okay?”

She pulled back slightly to look at your face while both your masks were atop your heads, and you got a good look at her freckled appearance. Her hair was styled in a half bun with multicolored bobby pins holding her bangs back. She was wearing light makeup: her nose and cheeks were gently highlighted, her under eyes had a dark red tinted liner that was smudged with purpose, and she shaved a slit into her eyebrow. She had on a black T-shirt that had been cut and ripped in some parts, black, ripped jeans, and an oversized, dark olive-green flannel. The sleeves were rolled up and you damn near fainted at the subtle lines of an unfinished tattoo peeking out. She also had a plastic version of Jason’s large, bloody machete secured through the belt loop of her jeans.

Holy shit.

Your face was burning hot from how close her face was to yours. “Hi El, I’m fine, happy birthday,” you said quietly, half chewing the worms in your mouth.

You turned to grab her small, wrapped gift box off the counter, softly shoving it into her chest in attempts to distract her from pressing about your whereabouts, and though you noticed her eyebrows pull down in concern, she grabbed the box from your hands before replying a gentle thank you.

Your sister slapped Ellie on the back, breaking up the moment, begging to change the music genre before dragging her to the living room to unlock her phone.

I can’t shake ass to this shit, bitch! Change it now!

I NEED A ONE DANCE, GOT A HENNESSY IN MY HAND—

It was almost eleven. Everyone had migrated to the living room after Ellie finally turned off her summoning demons :0 playlist and allowed your sister to shuffle Spotify’s Top 40 from 2016. After Riley skipped every non-Rihanna song for the first thirty minutes, Abby snatched the phone from her hands and put Drake on. They both were on top of the couch, screaming into wooden spoons like they were microphones while Jesse, Dina, and your sister jokingly popped their backs.

You had fallen back onto a lounge chair to catch your breath from the rigorous jumping you were doing, watching them all sing their lungs out.

You had the opportunity to briefly speak to Abby, who dressed up as a bloody Esther, during Riley’s incessant song-skipping since you never had the chance to genuinely talk to her. She excitedly told you about how she and Riley had been best friends since fifth grade and they both met Ellie in middle school. She cringed when she reminisced on the memory of Ellie giving Riley a glitter-riddled macaroni card for Valentine’s Day in seventh grade. Abby and Riley both graduated a year before your sister and friends did and were sophomores at Boston University, her pursuing her hockey career and Riley studying neuroscience.

The shrilling screams of Dina, Abby, and your sister when Single Ladies blasted through the speakers made you jump in your seat before you got up and made your way into the kitchen for water (and more gummies). Babe you’re not single! you heard Jesse yell to Dina.

You stood at the counter chomping on the sweets, contemplating when would be the best time to speak to Ellie one-on-one. You'd seen her escape onto the back patio, probably to smoke, you thought. You had never been confrontational, and you didn’t want to say something you regretted like hi ellie i’ve been in love with you for years i’m so sorry for ignoring you and iloveyouiloveyou—

Yeah, you’d probably leave with a black eye from her girlfriend if you did that. Just say you're sorry, don’t be selfish, don’t ruin her birthday, don’t ruin her relationship, you thought. now or never.

After your mental pep talk, you took a sip from your glass and shoved a handful of the candies in your mouth as a center. You made your way to the back door and onto the patio. Hot ass mask, you thought before ripping it off your head and tossing it onto the glass patio table.

What you weren’t expecting to see was Cat and Ellie already outside having a conversation, and from where you were standing, it looked intense.

“Why the fuck are you mad about me hugging her when I haven’t seen her in ages?”

And you froze.

“Ellie, if you can’t see that she has the biggest crush on you then you're actually delusional,” Cat spat back at her. “And that wasn’t just a regular hug either! You should’ve seen her face when you grabbed her, it looked like she was about to drop to her knees and propose!”

They couldn’t see you from where you stood and it would’ve been in your best interest to flee before you passed out from embarrassment and loathing, but your feet had been glued to the ground and you were forced to listen to their harsh exchange.

“First off, watch your mouth, I’m not fucking delusional,” the birthday girl heatedly said back. “And no she didn’t! And even if she did it doesn’t fucking matter. She's a fucking kid!”

And you’d felt your heart plummet to your feet.

The remainder of the candies in your mouth felt like sandpaper and you couldn’t swallow. You felt the all too familiar tremors of your hands start to pick up.

“Listen,” you heard her tone soften. “I’m in love with you, okay? I love you, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t think about being with anyone else.”

The sharp gasp you sucked in made both heads turn towards you in shock, and your teary eyes locked with wide, green ones.

You wanted to fall through the floor and die.

Cat scoffed and shook her head as if to say see what I mean before she puffed on her—Ellie’s—vape.

Ellie’s call of your name snapped you out of your stupor, your feet moving before your brain could tell them to, clumsily shuffling your way back into your heartbreaker’s home, sliding the door shut with a loud slam.

Everyone who’d been dancing jumped at the sound, turning to take in your ruffled state as their energetic smiles slowly dropped in concern.

“What’s the matter, honey?” Dina said gently over the still loud music.

Your sister called your name out with worry in her voice. You looked into her eyes with a head shake before you choked out a reply.

“Can we… I wanna leave, please, now.”

a/n: heyyyy lol so yeah thats that ig. if anyone even reads or sees this fic plss be nice to me ive never written anything like this b4. idk how long this will be but its def gonna be long,,, lots of ground 2 cover w this universe this game is everything 2 me and so is ellie so ye bye lolz

read pt 2 here :D

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mariefilms · 10 months

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╰───► OPULENCE- e. williams smau.

Pairing - fashion designer black!reader x actress! ellie

Warnings - cussing… uhm idk that’s it. ellie being down bad 🙏🏾

a/n — i’m so excited for this smau!!! i hope y’all will like it 🫶🏾

「prologue ↠ part 2」

tags </3 @brackishkittie @robinismywifee @aouiaa @elliesbitchvenus @vnus-starr

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solaanas · 2 years

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𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐞.

pairing, ellie williams & black reader!

summary, ellie was such a fucking tease especially when all you wanted her to do was touch you.

warning (s), established relationship, oral (r receiving), slight mention of weed, face sitting (tehe🫦🤭), slight praising, a little fluff if you squint lolz, and ellie being a dick🙄🙄

didi's notes, all i've been doing for the past two weeks is reading ellie smut INTENSELY. it's time i make one of my own.

"if you really want it, you would beg for me again," ellie whispered, her breath tickling your inner thigh. you moaned at her statement, throwing your head back at how sexy her voice sounded.

she'd been at this for what felt like hours; just torturing you and getting so close to touching you before pulling her hand back, saying that you didn't want it enough since you weren't begging for it the way she wanted you to.

"i do want it- els, please," you moaned out pathetically, sitting up once ellie's hand came in contact with your clothed cunt. "tell me what you want, baby." she wet her lips as she said this, taking her hand away from your bottom half as she rubbed your thigh teasingly.

you told her what you wanted a thousand fucking times. she just liked hearing you say it because she loved how flustered you'd become whenever she asked you that fucking question. "ellie, stop fucking playing. you know what i want."

she shook her head: "nah, i don't think i do. you wanna remind me?" ellie looked up at you with hooded eyelids, the weed she'd smoked earlier finally taking effect. "want you to touch me, ellie," you finally said in a whisper, looking everywhere but at the girl between your thighs.

"huh? i'm sorry, baby, i couldn't hear you. say it again for me," ellie moved closer to you, peppering kisses on your neck as she kept a hand on your waist. "i want you to touch me, ellie. please- just make me feel good." you say this a little louder this time, the soft pants in-between each word you say made ellie groan softly.

"since you asked so nicely-" ellie placed a kiss on your lips before she took off her shirt, leaving her in just her sports bra. she then laid herself out on the bed, making you curious as to what she had planned. "what are you doing?" "you're gonna sit on my face," she smiled, causing you to roll your eyes at how excited she was. "c'mere."

she motioned with her fingers, making you slip off your panties and throw them somewhere across the room. you climbed on top of her and aligned your pussy with her face, gripping the headboard as you took in a deep breath.

"you're acting as if we've never done this before." "i know we have, els. you just gotta gimme a minute-" she chuckled at your response as you finally lowered yourself down her face, a moan immediately coming out of your mouth once her tongue came in contact with pussy separating your folds.

"fuck..." your fingers became intertwined in the girl's auburn hair, letting her tongue work wonders on your clit. soon enough, you began to ride ellie's face, wanting more than what she was already giving you. this felt like fucking heaven, causing even louder moans to come out of your mouth. with ellie's nose bumping your clit at just the right angle, you were bound to cum in the matter of seconds.

however, ellie wasn't gonna let that happen. she wanted to take her time with you; make you feel the way you deserved to feel. the last thing ellie wanted was a quick nut from you, but by the way you were moving, it seemed like that was all you wanted.

you were too caught up in your own pleasure to notice that she'd been telling you to slow down, finally getting the memo once she slapped your thigh. you yelped, finally realizing that she stopped lapping up at your juices. "slow down," she chuckled, bringing your pussy back down onto her face as you mumbled an "okay."

ellie quickly went back to pleasuring you, sticking her tongue inside of you as her nose bumped your clit once again. with how sensitive you already were from your actions prior, this made you go feral, letting out a loud moan as you threw your head back: "shit, ellie." you closed your thighs around her head, making her groan and then chuckle.

"am i making you feel good?" she muttered under you, making you nod your head quickly: "yeah, shit-" your fingers found their way back to her hair, pulling on it whenever she sucked on your clit. "ellie-" "i know baby, i know. just wait a little while longer for me, yeah?"

you decided to abide by her orders, holding back your climax as you kept your eyes shut. ellie saw this and tapped your thigh softly, causing you to open your eyes and look at her. "keep your eyes on me. i wanna see your face when you cum."

even though her speech was muffled, you were still able to comprehend every word she said perfectly fine. you nodded at her statement, trying your best to not let your pleasure overwhelm you so you could keep your eyes open.

"els, please. i can't hold it anymore-" you pleaded, looking ellie straight in the eyes as you said this. "let it out for me then." those words alone made the knot in your stomach unravel, causing you to let out a series of high-pitched moans as you came.

ellie watched as your eyebrows furrowed and how the grip on her hair became tighter once you released, causing her to grip your thigh and releasing moans of her own into your core. "that's it. good girl. let it all out f'me," she said, helping you come down from your climax as she licked you up proudly.

once ellie made sure that she'd licked every drop from you, you rolled off her face and plopped right onto the bed, looking at the girl as you caught your breath. her face was covered in your slick, causing you to let out small laugh.

"what?" "you got a little something right here." you pointed to her face and she rolled her eyes, shoving you playfully as your smile got wider. "oh, shut up. you did this to me."

"oh really? i don't recall. you wanna remind me?" you got closer to her side and traced her tattoo, a devious smile playing on your lips. ellie quickly noticed your motives and got back into position: "come and sit on my face then."

#ellie williams #x black fem reader #x black reader #ellie tlou2 #the last of us #hbo tlou #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams smut #ellie williams x black reader #ellie williams x black!reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie x blk!reader #ellie x reader #Spotify

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liyawritesss · 1 year

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ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴇʟʟɪᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍꜱ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇ...

Characters: Ellie Williams x Black!Fem!Reader

From: The Last Of Us Part II (Game Series)

Type: Headcanons

Synopsis: What would it be like to fall in love with the smart-mouthed badass Ellie Williams in a world recovering from a zombie apocalypse?

Warnings: mentions of game-canon violence, mentions of weapons (primarily guns), mentions of blood, mentions of mental illness, cursing

A/N: Yet another tag I gotta fill with x black!reader, cuz lets be honest - let Ellie get a black gf; all manners and common sense are going out the window. JOEL IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THIS

Tags: @verachii @percsane

You and Ellie first met when she was sent to your little garden/apothecary to assist you in finding some plants that had been rebudding around the Jackson community area. At first, she was apprehensive to the idea - why did she of all people had to go out and collect fucking flowers and leaves? - but her mouth had already gotten her into trouble today, and she couldn’t bear another lecture from anyone, so she bit her tongue hard and went to find your little greenhouse near the center of town.

Her amazement comes across as a look of confusion when she steps into the greenhouse. She’s met with a pleasant scent of lavender, bundles of it hanging from the doorframe. She finds you tending to some plants in the middle of the room, and when your eyes lock, her breath catches in her throat, because holy fuck, no one told her that this herbalist lady was her age, and fine as fuck.

You greet her with a smile and hand her the list of things needed, telling her to take her time since you know that some of them may be difficult to find. She flips through the notebook you’ve given her, paying special attention to the detailed drawings, commemorating them to memory, before she sets off with only the thought of pleasing the herbalist girl with her findings.

When she comes back, it’s the dead of night, and she’s a bit durtied and bruised from what you’re sure to be a fight with some undead, but she has every item on the list you’d given her. From that point on, the two of you became close acquaintances, friends, and more.

She finds your presence so peaceful. When you’re up making ointments and remedies for the patrol squads, she joins you with her sketchpad. The two of you sit together in perfect silence, some jokes being shared here and there. Her sketchpad quickly fills up with drawings of you doing various activities - drinking tea, watering plants, grinding leaves into powders, making dyes, etc. Watching you becomes her favorite pastime.

After a while of knowing each other, she becomes more comfortable with being a smartmouth with you, and is excited when you match her energy. You always have a rebuttal to one of her remarks and it sparks something in Ellie that urges her on more and more.

She becomes more touchy, too, though that aspect is primarily reassured by you. Although neither of you have disclosed much information about your past, you can tell she’s been through a lot, and could only imagine the worst when she would pull away from your touch in the beginning. It takes a long time, but the sweet hugs shared after accomplishing yet another supply run for you were definitely worth the wait.

And they’re quite literally the best hugs you’ve ever had. It could be a simple side hug with her pulling you by your hip to her chest, or it could be one of the longer ones, where her arms slip around your waist, her head dipping into your neck as she inhales your scent. You love them all.

Ellie claims that all your plant stuff is boring and lame, but she’s so very attentive when you’re rambling off a new herb or a new concoction you’ve made, and learns the names of the flowers you like the most. She soon learns that lavender is your favorite, which is why it hangs everywhere around the greenhouse, but also because it smells heavenly and reduces anxiety and provokes calmness. It quickly becomes her own, too.

She loves when you braid her hair. The two french braids leading into a bun is her favorite style, and even though she’s always messing it up when she’s on patrol, fighting and escaping from zombies and enemy groups alike, you’re happy to wash and redo her hair every time.

Ellie’s confession obviously doesn’t go the way she planned. And yes, she did plan on confessing to you her affections at some point, but she tells herself that she’s waiting for the right time. While part of that may be true, the bigger picture was her general fear of rejection - which was absurd to her, she never gave two fucks about what people thought about her. But when it came to you, everything mattered.

You’d never looked at Ellie’s notebook before. It was her privacy, and you were one to respect boundaries, but when she left the book open to go talk to Dina and Jesse about something, especially on a particular page that had your face drawn onto the cream paper of the sketchbook, your curiosity took over your senses.

It was a drawing of you drinking tea and reading a book. You remember that day - she was exceptionally quiet that day and only wanted to be around you. So you let her chill in the greenhouse with you while you did your normal routines. The intricate and detailed lines on the page sparked something in you that you thought you had pushed away, a surge of emotions reawakening in your stomach.

Ellie comes back in and nearly goes into a rage when she sees you seemingly flipping pages in her sketchbook, and although you try to reason with her, she’s not having it. She thinks you invaded her privacy, and she continues to think so as she leaves the greenhouse for the evening.

She comes back though, at the dead of night as you’re cleaning up and setting things up for the next morning, looking remorseful like a lost puppy. She apologizes, and you come to sit next to her, your legs touching, and you tell her that you accept her apology.

Ellie pauses for a moment, looking into your eyes for what seems like forever, before she begins speaking. The way she speaks is damn near contradicting about she feels about you, but in the end she gets her point across - she likes you, a lot, and needs to know how you feel about her in order for her to get some form of clarity and sanity back to her brain

And you tell her that you feel the same, that you’re attracted to her in such a way and so strongly that it shouldn’t even be possible - surely isn’t wise or sane considering the times the two of you currently live in, and yet, you still found yourself yearning for the brunette when you knew you shouldn’t

At this point the two of you are impossibly close, and the way Ellie’s eyes keep darting between your own and your lips, it’s definitely got a pool of heat swirling in your stomach. And before either of you realize it, her lips are on yours, and you’re experiencing your first and the most electrifying kiss of your life. And just like that, you become Ellie’s and she becomes yours

She makes a vow to protect you in every possible way she can. When and if you do go out on the search for supplies, she’s always accompanying you regardless of whatever she may have been doing prior. She teaches you how to use a gun and a bow and arrow (of which, you favor the latter) so that you have the skills to protect yourself when she’s not there.

She never let anyone talk to you any kind of way, but its amplified now because she has an obligation to make sure people know who the fuck they’re talking to. No one talks out the side of their neck to her girl and gets away with it. If all she does is curse them out, as long as they get the idea and don’t pull anything anymore, all is good.

Introducing you to Joel as your girlfriend is the most awkward thing for her…and you better believe he’s poking fun at her about her stellar choice in a significant other (trust me, he’s been waiting for this moment, because he just knew that she’d go after you of all people in the community. In fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was in on organizing your initial meeting. He’s definitely the wingman Ellie didn’t know she needed.

She doesn’t engage in PDA, but when it’s just the two of you alone? Best believe she’s getting her fill of hugs and kisses whenever she can. You’re not promised tomorrow, so she wants to love you to the fullest extent she can.

Brings you back flowers from her patrols that you don’t even ask for, but because they’re pretty and remind her of you. You can try as you might to tell her you don’t need them - it’ll only provoke her to bring you more

On the longer nights where she’s too exhausted mentally and physically to speak, she curls into you and just lets you take over her senses. It’s a rather rare occasion, so you savor it while it lasts. You take care of Ellie at her most vulnerable and that’s all she could ever really ask for from someone.

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request!

#black reader #black tumblr #black tlou #tlou #the last of us #tlou 2 #the last of us 2 #tlou 2 ellie #the last of us 2 ellie #tlou2 x reader #tlou2 x black!reader #ellie williams #ellie williams x black!reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie x blk!reader #ellie x black!reader #ellie x reader

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mikasbby · 1 year

Text

My Halo | nerd!ellie williams x blackfem reader

fluff for the black girls who love ellie, nerd!ellie confesses love, light hints of reader being an angel, love drought by beyoncé reference :)

word count: 1.0k

Ellie watched you, she always did. From the way you twirled pens between your fingers, to the small rants you'd nearly bore your friends with, she watched and enjoyed it all.

She’d do anything to be near you. To share a tender kiss, feel the warm breath against her face, your sweet touches of love. Wanting everything and anything as long as that meant she was near you.

That was to be expected though, ever since childhood, people had a liking and gravitation toward you. It was you who shined brighter than any star in her space and astronomy books. There were many late nights that she spent searching for a star named after you, because in her mind what universe would allow such an angel with deep, luminescent skin, to roam without a star named after her?

You were just so precious and brave. During the day she’d often daydream about your bright sweet smile, and the contrast against your skin just made you look so much sweeter. It wasn’t just your teeth that made her feel some type of way, your hair catches her eyes constantly.

The changes of styles every couple of weeks placed looks of adoration on her face, each style bringing out a different feature on your face. Long braids? Your eyes looked bigger, somehow even prettier to peer at, but made it much harder to keep eye contact with you. Afro? It made her want to kiss your plump lips, maybe it was the clear lipgloss you put on every morning. Cornrows? Your cheeks looked fuller, like they were begging kisses. She loved seeing you play with the pink and clear beads in your hair, to you they made you a little self conscious if they clinked too loud, but Ellie loved them. It lets her know you’re near her, anticipating soft kisses on her neck.

To everyone it was clear that little nerd Ellie had an interest in you. What was obvious to everyone was not to you. Usually you could sniff out a crush in any instance, yet when it was right in front of you, you sat clueless. It was okay though, bought Ellie some time to collect herself before she confessed to you. However, there were differences between the two of you which made her hesitant to confess sooner.

You were higher in popularity, she was a shy dork. You could light a room up with your laugh, while people would stare and bicker at her if a snort left nose. Nonetheless, nothing stopped Ellie from confessing her love for you.

It was a warm spring evening, she had been planning the date for weeks now.

The sun was to set in 45 minutes, allowing the two of you to eat, talk, confess and watch the sunset. Pink peonies, carnations, roses, baby’s breath and a bunch of eucalyptus sat in a tall vase. She knew your favourite colour was pink, so she went all out. There was a collection of things you said you’ve wanted, she could recall multiple window shopping adventures where you would point at nearly everything pink that caught your eye.

“Ellie look, it's the big stuffy I’ve been wanting.”

“Wait Ellie y’think these bracelets are pretty?”

“Els Els this is the perfume I’ve been dying to get. Smells like roses or somethin’”

“Ellie did you know they sell my favourite bonnets and lipgloss here?”

She was more than ready to finally have you as hers when you walked out of your house in a baby pink sundress that reached just below your knees.

Fuck she looks good.

“Y-you look pretty.” Ellie stuttered out.

“Thank you, look even better” you smiled, a little shy with the tension in the air. You were almost positive that Ellie was confessing today, so to fit the mood, you made sure to wear a comfortable dress that accentuated your plush body and dark skin.

She held your hand the whole way to the spot where everything was set up, Dina carefully adding last minute touches and making sure everything was perfect. All these feelings and thoughts were new to Ellie, but she made it her mission to do her best with the advice from Dina.

As you guys approach the spot walking in comfortable silence, love drawing your eyes to connect to each other every few steps, she helps you down onto the blanket giving Dina a short wave from the distance.

As you sat, you took notice of the little gifts scattered across the blanket, your heart swells with feelings of fluster and shyness creeping onto you. This was just as new to you as it was to Ellie, it was the first time someone had done a big gesture for you. When you saw Ellies short auburn hair, shimmery eyes and beautiful lips you knew whatever she's going to say will make your heart pound like it's no tomorrow.

“You know I’m not the best with my words sometimes but you’ve shown me the beauty at times when I thought life was ugly. You were truly my lifeline when I thought the world was gonna kill me… thank you, I just– I just want you to know how much you mean to me.” There's hesitance and nervousness in her voice before asking. “Can I be your girlfriend?”

You softly smile looking into her gaze and cupping her face, sinking your glossy lips onto hers.

“So.. was that a yes?” Ellie asks against your lips. You press your foreheads together letting go of the kiss, “Yes, that was a yes Els.” You say playfully.

Everyday since then you get to experience the quiet parts of Ellie. Secretly getting excited to see her cheeks tinted pink when you kiss her in public, or the times she's bashful when you kiss her hand. Love was making you hazy, going on walks together, holding each other close on cold nights, and her rambles of space with your full attention was all she ever needed.

The halo you wore was full of love, nothing else can come so strong.

#nerd!ellie williams #ellie williams x black!reader #nerd!ellie x black reader #ellie x blk!reader #ellie tlou #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #mikasbby

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peachesfather · 9 months

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It’s Christmas break meaning imma continue doing y’all ask requests ‼️🗣️

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verxn · 11 months

Text

Attachments | E. Williams

Pairing: Ellie Williams x Black!Fem!reader

Summary: you and Ellie have been talking to each other, but lately she's been distancing herself from you and has been acting colder than usual. That was until Maria paired you two on patrol and she got injured.

Warnings: blood mentioning, slight cussing

“Ow,” Ellie hisses. Her jaw is clenched tight, trying to ignore the burning pain in her leg. You’re tending to her wound, like you always have. It almost makes her think the two of you were involved with each other. “How bad is it?”

She had been the one to push you away. She’d “broken” up with you, but here you are, fretting over her. She doesn’t deserve you.

The bullet had ripped straight through her thigh, and not even a moment after she’d fallen, you were there. You’re always there for her.

“Want me to lie or tell you the truth?” Y/n said and wiped up some of the blood on Ellie’s wound, she then grabbed the bandages and wrapped them around Ellie’s leg

“Just wrap it up and shut the hell up,” Ellie groans. It doesn’t feel great, but it doesn’t hurt as much as she anticipated either. “We need to get moving.” She glances up at her surroundings. They’re in the ruins of an old building, the ceiling has all collapsed, and there are piles of rubble scattered all around. Ellie’s eyes land on a door on the far wall. Maybe it leads into another room? Or maybe it’s a way out? Only one way to find out.

“there..I don’t think we can patrol for longer though. we gotta go back to Jackson” y/n said and she grabbed Ellie’s hand

“We do,” Ellie nods. “But just hold on for a second because…” Ellie gestures to the door. “We should check that room out. There could be a way out or we might find supplies—” Ellie pauses suddenly. It’s silent and still, far too quiet for comfort. She glances at y/n and nods for her to listen… And just as she feared, there are Clickers in the room beside them. They must have heard the gunshots and were drawn here. Ellie curses under her breath.

“fuck..” Ellie said under her breath and she clutched her pistol in her hand, y/n looked at her with a worried expression on her face

“Ellie what the hell are you doing still sitting?! Let’s go before we get ambushed by them..” y/n said and she grabbed Ellie’s arm and slung it around her neck

Ellie flinches as y/n drags her to her feet. She glances back at the room, still weighing her options, still trying to figure out if they have time to search it. The Clickers haven’t noticed her and y/n yet, they’re still focused on where the gunfire came from before. There’s time to run—but then there’s a chance to get something useful. “Just hang on…” she whispers to y/n. “I just need a second—”

“Ellie.” Y/n said cutting her off “I don’t want you to be mangled up by clickers over some damn supplies, you are injured. Let’s go.” Y/n added and pulled Ellie to the horses that they brought

Y/n heard Ellie let out a sigh and she spoke up

“Yeah, good idea.” Ellie mutters sarcastically as she follows y/n towards the horses, her head still turned in the direction of the clicker-filled room. “Fine, let’s go.” She sighs, giving up on her idea. Besides, the chances of actually finding something useful are slim, and at the moment, they’re both too low on supplies to be taking risks like that just to get a few extra bullets.

The horses trot slowly into the main entrance of Jackson, the gates having been opened to let them in. For once, Ellie is grateful for the strict rules of the community—it’s the only reason they were even allowed in. They dismount as a few people pass by, all shooting them brief looks. Ellie keeps her gaze forward as if she doesn’t notice them. Her mind is a little distracted right now.

Y/n gets off her horse and goes to the stables to drop it off she sighs before glancing at Ellie as she follows in behind her

Ellie follows y/n toward the stables, limping slightly on her injured leg. The bullet had gone straight through, missing her arteries, but it still needed to be bandaged up properly. She glances at y/n expectantly as she nears the girl, wondering what she has to say.

“Go to the infirmary..you need to get patched up since I couldn't do it properly,” y/n says softly

“I’ll be fine,” Ellie snaps. She knows that she needs to get the leg properly taken care of, but she just wants to be alone to process everything that’s happened today. “I’m fine,” she repeats, her voice slightly softer this time. “It’s just a scratch.” Despite her words, Ellie takes a few unsteady steps and ends up leaning against the stable door for support.

“Ellie it's-” Y/n cut herself off and ran her hand through her tangled dreadlocks. She then looked up at Ellie and sighed softly “how about this, I'll patch you up…properly this time just let me get the things from the infirmary..” y/n said calmly

“I’m fine.” Ellie insists, once again stubborn as usual. She tries to push herself up off the door but her leg buckles and she crashes back down on the ground, wincing as it slams into the wood. She glares up at Jay, not willing to give up just yet. “I’ll be fine on my own.”

Y/n rushed over to Ellie and helped her up. “Enough talking I'm going to take care of you whether you like it or not,” y/n said and led Ellie to her room

Ellie winces as y/n finishes wrapping up her leg, the bandage tight and squeezing her wound. “Thanks,” Ellie grumbles softly. “Can you just… give me a few minutes?” She asks, glancing away from y/n. Even after all this time together, Ellie has trouble talking to her sometimes. Or anyone, for that matter. She’s not really sure why. Some days she’s more social than others but after the incident this morning, she just wants to be alone with her thoughts for now.

Y/n nods grabs the bloodied bandages walks out of Ellie's room and throws away the bandages before making her way to the bathroom to wash her hands

Ellie sighs, sitting back against the headboard of her bed. Her thoughts swirl around her mind in a sort of jumbled mess. She doesn’t really have words for them, but she can still feel them lingering in the back of her mind. Her eyes flick toward a small notebook sitting on her bedside table. Ellie doesn’t exactly feel like writing now, but she figures that writing down her thoughts might help her sort them out a little. She reaches for the notebook and slowly starts to write.

Y/n walks back into the room and glances at Ellie, she leans on the doorframe and stares at her before clearing her throat

“Im…’m gonna go... Let me know if you need anything okay?” y/n says in a soft tone and she nods her head a bit before walking away

“Right,” Ellie mutters with a sigh. Not wanting to talk to y/n, Ellie turns her attention back to the notebook. Her thoughts slowly start to make a bit more sense as she writes. The more she writes, the more she realizes what she’s been feeling—not just today, but for a while now. She closes her eyes, her heart heavy in her chest, before placing the pen down gently on the notebook.

Ellie lays in bed, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. She feels restless, despite how long she had been writing for. The more she wrote, the more she realized what she was feeling—not just today, but for a while now.

She’s not sure when her eyes finally flicker close, but when she wakes up again, a few rays of sunlight are shining through the curtains. Ellie sits up slowly, letting out a soft sigh as she pushes herself out of bed. She’s not sure what to do now. How do you find the words to talk to someone who means everything to you?

Ellie sits down at her desk, a notebook in front of her again. Her eyes flick toward the half-finished page of notes from before, and then to an empty page. Ellie sighs silently and grabs a pen, ready to finish what she started. However, she’s completely at a loss for what to write next.

Her thoughts go deeper than what she initially written down. She’s been running away from them ever since she first met y/n, but now she’s starting to realize there’s no point in hiding them anymore. She needs to address them in order to move forward.

Ellie starts writing again. Her pen skips over the paper, scribbling out her thoughts and feelings. Words flow from her brain to the page without pause. Her emotions are raw and unfiltered, and once they’ve been written down, Ellie suddenly feels a sense of peace. It almost feels like her heart is lighter having finally given weight to all the feelings she’d been struggling to define for so long.

She sits back and stares at her notebook, taking a moment to process all that she’s written down. It might just be the beginning of something new.

As dawn breaks outside, Ellie stares at her notebook, her eyes drifting across the words in front of her. She’s not sure if she should feel relieved or terrified at her own writings. The notebook lays open on the desk, pages filled with her thoughts and feelings spilled out in a chaotic mess. Her eyes dart back and forth across the page as she stares at the words, taking in everything that she wrote on the paper. It’s like she can see herself from an outside perspective. It almost feels liberating.

Ellie glances down at the page one last time, still unsure if she should feel happy or scared. Her heart pounds in her chest and her stomach twists in knots as she thinks about what to do next. She lets out a deep breath and sits back, slowly shutting the notebook shut. She wants to go see y/n now, but a part of her is scared she’s going to get shot down if she tries. She needs to give herself a few minutes to compose her thoughts first.

hi hi it’s been a while …like three months :/ but I am back…and more delusional than ever <3! I will try to..be more consistent…because I really do enjoy writing it’s just I get stuck so quickly..but I hope you are all well I love you all :3! -v

#black fem reader #black!reader #black!fem!reader #ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie x reader #ellie x fem reader #ellie x y/n #ellie x blk!reader #ellie x black!reader #lgbtq #lesbian #black writers

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br4tphobia · 1 year

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ellie was embarrassed, her legs spread wide open infront if her ex-girlfriend, cat. with a pretty pink wand vibrator sitting on her over-stimulated clit, her head throwing back into your shoulder as you coo sweet praises in her ear. twitching and whimpering as she tries to close her legs, only to have your warning tone and your free hand stop her. “aht. keep em open, el. let her know who owns this pussy.” with your hand moving futher to play between her silk folds, inserting 2 fingers before giving her no time to adjust, flicking your wrist. “oh my— fuck waitwaitwaittt” ellie took in her bottom lip which made you turn up the setting on the vibrating. “let her hear you..looks like shes enjoying it, yea? y’so pretty like this..” your paise made ellie do as you told, letting out all her sweetened sounds infront of cat. looking up to her, just to see her pressing her thighs together. meanwhile, the urge to pee took over el’s senses, “y/n..im g’na..shitt wait i—“ cut off by her exotic moan, twitching and bucking into the palm of your hand working your magic. dragging the vibrator up and down on her clit slowly, “there you go..this my pussy ain’ it, el?” — “yes.. shit..” looking up once again only to see that cat left, a smiling creeping up on your face. ellie tried to move, stopping her once again. “that doesn’t mean were done..relax.” pecking her cheek before turning the vibrator back on, immediately having her twitching again, gripping on your thigh right next to hers. having your session interrupted by a few knocks.. how rude. turning the vibrator on max, still fingering her pussy sloppily. “ohh shit—! turn it ahh down..” she’d beg, only to not be heard though. “whats my name, baby?” pressing the toy harder against her clit, having her yelp out. “fuck! y/n …ohmyfuckingodddd” — “again.” your voice is sterner, seeing the shadow still at the door. it was obvious on who it was..guess cat could never get the hint. “y/n..!” seeing the shadow slowly walk away, turning down the level, giving ellie some time to calm down from how stimulated she was :(

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams #ellie the last of us #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams smut #ellie tlou #tlou ellie #ellie williams x you #ellie wiliams tlou #ellie x blk!reader #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams fanfic #ellie williams x female reader #ellie x y/n #ellie x reader #tlou 2 ellie #tlou 2 smut #sub!ellie

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nggaology · 1 year

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I asked @bellaxellie to send me all the anonymous stuff they have been sent since @elsweetheartfan account came to be and this is what they sent me. what’s wrong with people hating somebody just because of a different opinion is crazy to me I haven’t check on @bellaxellie in a few hours ago since they made their last post about what happened and I really just wanna say @bellaxellie I hope your doing ok nobody deserves any of this and I hope the people accountable for this apologize cause this ain’t it. The amount of hate black fanfic writers get is crazy why can’t people just get along without people acting like a fucking clown and the fact that half of these are anonymous is bizarre meaning you were too afraid to get off anonymous and say it with your full chest. I’m disgusted

#abby anderson #abby x fem!reader #abby anderson x reader #abby tlou #ellie x blk!reader #ellie williams #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams x reader

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forthelostones · 1 year

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sleepybaby ─── ⋆

female reader x ellie (random mix)

synopsis: ellie is away on a work trip & you can’t help but miss her sm!

warnings: pure smut, masturbation, phone sex, abby ft, & mention of strap-on.

an: random.. do they call this image, one-shots? head canons? idk what these mean! i’m from a different time of media! help T.T. anyways enjoy (thanks for the likes)! x.

⟡ you and ellie call as she’s on a work trip out of town. in attempts to not bother, you’ve been avoiding sharing your desires with her so you can stay focused. you haven’t stopped thinking about her fingers caressing your clit gently under the sheets when you’re both drunk off sleep.

⟡ before bed you both debrief and share what kind of day you had, you feel heat pour from between your thighs when she speaks about work. you can’t help but think about her in her suit, sitting at a big desk, bossing you around, it drives you crazy that you dont work for her.

⟡ “baby, what have you been up to?” she asks as she’s brushing her teeth settling for bed. the camera is placed in the corner of the sink so all you can see is the bottom of her tank top and the top of her boxers. and when she leans down to spit, you see the dribbles of white foam fly out of her mouth, causing your pussy to twitch. you lie to her, “meal prep, go for walks, do some laundry.” in reality you had been abusing your pussy with her strap picturing her under you.

⟡ “love to hear that, glad to hear you’re keeping a routine. are you already in bed?” she asked as she wiped her mouth with the hotel towel. yep, you reply, ready for bed!

⟡ she flops into the lush bed in her room and perches the phone up to show her clean face, you smile at her stupid smirk. she swipes her lips with her tongue which makes you miss her mouth. “lemme see what you’re wearing.” she asks innocently. you pan the camera over you big t-shirt with no bottoms. “cute”

⟡ you feel a knot bunch in your stomach at her comment. tell me about work, you say.

⟡ “really? it’s boring…” but she goes on anyway, talking about accounts, people she met, conversations she had about projects, you slowly arch you back into nothingness. her low voice humming so sweetly in your headphones.

⟡ mmhm, you say sleepily. “yea so, abby and i took a client out for coffee.” and you stiffen at her name, slowly bringing your fingers in between your thighs, trailing up towards your wet spot. you liked abby, how she talked, how she walked with her head high and chest poked out. ellie was always competing with her, but it made her a better associate. abby came over a few times for dinner before, always telling funny stories or sharing facts about god knows what. you just occasionally thought about your girlfriend and abby taking you to bed.

⟡ you couldn’t help but close your eyes at the thought. “baby…? baby. you there did you doze off, am i boring you? ready for bed?” she spat out quickly.

⟡your fingers slipped inside with no effort, your slumber mixed with her voice created an undeniable ecstasy. no, ‘mm—i’m awake els, you murmured sloppily.

⟡ your eyes flutter to your screen, where ellie’s observed your screen with her glasses on, reflecting your face. you catch her eyes drift to your open mouth. “oh, I see.”

⟡ see what? you ask practically moaning while your thumb tickles your hard clit. you observe her curious face, chewing her lip, you lift your shirt showing her your warm boobs, which immediately made her legs tremble.

⟡ “fucking yourself to my voice? let me hear you say my name, I want to hear how much you miss me.”

#x reader smut #ellie x fem reader #tlou2 ellie #ellie x blk!reader #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #modern au #ellie the last of us #the last of us #lesbian #abby smut #abby anderson x you #ellie williams fanfic #oneshot

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s-4pphics · 1 year

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scent of the pine. 2 (e.w.)

wc;cw : 5.4k, ANGSTTTT, sistersbestfriend!ellie, gutarist/producer!ellie, age gap(three years), violinist!oc, all ocs r black coded yall see it, queers being queer omg so lame🙄, descriptions of mania, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, lots of crying, yelling and screaming, ellie’s mean, but so is big sis😛, reader getting bold oop, slight smut(ellie gets head, but nothing super descriptive), like one mention of vaping/drinking, more time skips :|, cat’s kinda rich and hot😳, protective big sis struggles :(, more sad, brief mention of deceased and verbally abusive parents clock that teaaa :O, actual classical music references bc i’m a nerd obsessed w orchestras

It was December, you were fifteen, and you haven’t heard from Ellie since her birthday.

After you and your sister frantically left the Miller residence, you’d broke down on your front porch. Despite your attempts of trying to hide your devastation from your sister until you at least got inside, so many emotions—sadness, anger, love, lovelovelove — exploded right in front of your front door.

What the fuck did she say to you?! your sister had asked angrily. You knew in your gut that she hadn’t been upset with you, but you couldn’t help the immense guilt that overtook your body. You’d unintentionally dragged your beloved sister into you and her best friend’s one-sided, fucked up love story. Even though you knew your sister loved Ellie, she loved you more and she would pick you over anyone that she knew without a second of doubt. You might’ve just ruined twelve years of friendship. You hated yourself. You wanted to disappear.

Your sister had calmed you down enough for you to regain functionality and quietly walk inside so that you wouldn’t wake your mother. She’d bent down to help you unlace your boots as you dug your palms into your eyes. Your sister had quickly hung up her keys on the holder on the wall, tossed her clutch on the couch, and guided you upstairs.

After both of you got to her room, she gently closed the door behind you before she started pressing you for information. She was always there to gently talk you back down to earth when you were overwhelmed, but when her angered tone penetrated your ears and your skull, you knew you wouldn’t be getting out of this one easily.

“What the fuck just happened!” she angrily whispered as she trapped your back to the door with an accusatory point of her finger.

Your trembles began peaking again. All you could do was shake your head. Don’t say it. Don’t. You were so frazzled that you hadn’t noticed your sister’s phone buzzing in her hand the second you both left. Ellie. You knew it was Ellie. It had to be her. Ellie. Oh god. EllieEllieEllie—

She’d raised her voice slightly as she called your name in attempts to regain your attention.

You’d gripped your black cloak tighter in your hands. Nononono don’t say it don’t—

“I'm in.. I… love…her.” you’d barely whispered.

She choked out a small what.

You’d squeezed your eyes shut as more tears escaped at a pace you couldn’t control.

“I… Lov..e,” you whimpered out, your voice cracking. You could barely breathe.

Your sister's eyes had widened in acknowledgement before her expression fell, and it made you sob harder.

Your sister had fallen silent after your very shaky and gay admission that night.

She brought herself down from the initial shock before she coaxed you through your breathing exercises. Once she noticed that you had finally calmed down, she gently took your hand in hers and led you towards her private bathroom. She watched you jump onto the sink as she turned the water on before she quickly retreated to her room to grab herself and you some pajamas and wash clothes from her dresser.

When she returned, she handed you your usual oversized t-shirt, which you stood to change into, before she put your washcloth under the cool stream of water and patted your still burning face. She noticed you’d been closely watching her expression with the hopes of finding anything in her eyes, but she remained stoic and moved on autopilot.

She’d quickly changed clothes, washed her face, and put her bonnet on before walking you both back into her bedroom and to her bed. She went to her usual side before getting under her cotton sheets, tucking herself in with her back turned to you.

She’d felt you ease into the bed before you shuffled closer whispering a gentle and terrified do you hate me? in which she simply shook her head no against her pillow.

She felt you wrap your smaller arms around her frame as you held her close, and she finally allowed the tears she’d held back to overflow. She prayed you hadn’t noticed.

She’d felt you squeeze tighter.

Your birthday was still.

Even though your friends had gone all out for your special day, —they baked you red velvet cupcakes and brought balloons to your first period classroom, much to your teacher’s dismay— you faked your excitement and enthusiasm even though you appreciated their grand gesture.

When you’d finally gained the courage to invite them over to tell them what happened on that traumatic night, they’d been nothing but supportive and comforting. Starr even hollered out a fuck ellie! into your shoulder for extra emphasis as she hugged you, in which you sadly, but jokingly replied not too much.

Your sister had been driving you to school that week due to your mother’s new work duties—bless her heart— and every time she caught your eyes in the rearview mirror, she quickly dropped them, staring back at the road blankly. She’d mumbled out a see you at three as she parked on the curb of your campus, which you sadly nodded at before you got out of the car with your violin case in hand.

She never used to drop you off without an i love you! and be safe!

You’d ruined everything.

Ellie was a wreck.

She couldn’t gather the strength to contact your sister, you, or even your mother for over a month and her self-inflicted negligence had her experiencing a loss that she hadn’t felt since her fucking mom died. A vacancy. An emptiness.

After you fled from the patio that night, she instinctively moved to chase after you with a shout of your name before her girlfriend released a shriek of are you seriously fucking leaving right now, el, what the fuck?! and her tone made her halt. Her breathing had been heavy, but she was practically hyperventilating now, picking hard at her scarred cuticles as hot tears filled her eyes, and she immediately regretted throwing this fucking party. Fuck Halloween and fuck Jason fuck everything—

She’d memorized that tone from the countless arguments she had with her girlfriend— her mom—about choice. Specifically, the ones that she made.

You either stay here with me, or you go live with your fucking dad and never see me again! It’s up to you!

She knew that she had to choose between you: someone who treated her so gently, looked at her like she hung the stars in the sky, saw her in her purest form. And someone she accidentally fell in love with. Someone who tended to her wounds. Someone who provided a good distraction from the chaotic world that surrounded her.

And at that moment, she decided that person wasn’t you.

She exhaled deeply before turning, defeatedly walked back to her girlfriend in resignation. She’d fallen back into the arms that pulled her out of her own darkness. Dina (who’d been desperately calling your sister since you two left), Jesse, and the rest of her friends had nearly torn the back door off the hinges at how hard they pulled it open, loudly asking what the fuck was going on with you. Cat had hissed something at them all, but Ellie couldn’t hear anything over the loud pounding in her ears. She needed to lay down.

She’d slowly lifted her head up from her girlfriend’s shoulder and turned, accidentally meeting Dina’s eyes.

They were always so comforting. So gentle.

They made her think of your sister. Of you.

And now here she was. Sat on the edge of her girlfriend's bed with her customized electric and embroidered pic in hand. Almost two months later, and she’d made no effort to contact either of you. Your sister was loyal, and she was almost positive you hated her, so she didn’t push either of you to do anything.

But even then, she couldn’t get the crushing look of heartbreak in your eyes out of her mind. It ate at her.

There was no way in hell you had a crush on her.

Right? Right?

She was pulled from her thoughts by hands on her back, slowly sliding up her shoulders, soft and caressing, light kisses being pressed onto her neck. She shivered.

Cat had invited her to her parents’ vacation loft in Los Angeles for a week so that she could get a feel of the fast-paced lifestyle that only existed in the city. Her dad had feared letting her go to another state alone, but she was able to convince him with a surprise charcuterie board brunch for the two of them.

Joel had always been a wine mom.

She’d desperately needed a change of scenery after everything erupted, and her girlfriend wanted nothing more than to give her that. She had been having an enjoyable time, much to her surprise, throwing herself into any creative escape she could—playing guitar, going to karaoke with Cat and her drunk friends, painting, even producing (something that she fell in love with a year ago)—but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d been missing something.

She placed her pic and guitar on the mattress before turning her head to connect her lips with Cat as she wrapped her smaller hand around her throat to hold her still. Heat swirled in her belly as she whimpered, her girlfriend pushing her tongue past her lips to slide onto hers. Her girlfriend gently pushed her onto her back before swinging her left leg over to straddle her, reconnecting their lips in a heated kiss. Ellie grinded her hips up to meet Cat while she pushed down to meet hers, both girls letting out wanton moans into each other's mouths.

Cat tore at Ellie’s clothes and sensually kissed her way down her body until her head was between her trembling legs as she drew moan after whine after pant from the flushed, freckled girl’s mouth. She felt nothing but a hot, building feeling in the pit of her stomach before her peak slammed into her as her eyes rolled back and body trembled while she gripped the black sheets.

She came down from her euphoria as her girlfriend pressed gentle kisses all over her chest and face while she hit her girl’s nic that’d been discarded on the nightstand, exhaling the smoke.

Ellie was supposed to feel completely elated: this was all she’d ever wanted. All her little heart had dreamed of. But she couldn’t rid herself of the guilt festering in her stomach like roaches.

A strong, drowning guilt.

March came along, and you were slowly regaining your footing.

To say that these cold months were hard would be a grave understatement. You’d been having trouble eating and sleeping. Even if you did get an increment of shut eye, when you’d awoken, you wished you hadn’t as you gazed at the frost that had coated your bedroom window. Your violin case had been collecting dust in the corner of your room and you couldn’t even bring yourself to care.

Arya had become so concerned that she almost told your mother about your behavior before you pleadingly begged her not to. She reluctantly fell back, but she, as well as Kris and Starr, kept a close eye on you afterwards.

The only upside to your winter was that your sister began speaking to you again in January. Gentle how are you’s turned into i’m sorrys that turned into tear-riddled i love you so muchs, not knowing that you’d been praying that she would forgive you and your wrongs.

After the rough patch with your sister was stitched up, you began to manically memorize all six of Niccolò Paganini’s concertos, declining all your friend’s invites to hang out.

If your brain wanted to be your arch nemesis, fine, but you were at least going to try to fight back with the shrilling notes of Adagio.

One late night, your practicing had gotten so intense that your mother barged into your room practically begging you to lay the fuck down and go to sleep, with which you stubbornly replied sleep is for the weak! before starting the entire first concerto from the beginning… for the seventh time. You watched her shake her head before gently shutting the door. I turned my baby into a monster, she’d thought on the walk back to her bedroom.

You put your small remainder of energy into your math homework, into cleaning, into violin, hell, you’d even asked your sister if she could dig up her rusted, pink recorder from her multitude of stuffed boxes in her closet so you could learn and practice, which threw her for a whim. She said hell the fuck no.

Although you'd looked like you'd been hit by thirty oncoming buses for the entire month of February, your musical perception had been the best it's ever been. Every time you shut your eyes, your surroundings melted into the black and white lines from your sheet music, symphonic melodies drowning out the white noise in your head.

This was real joy; this was real love! —

“Bro, what the fuck are you smiling at? Kris was just telling us about how her cat predicted her grandma's death.”

You were quickly pulled from your colorful fantasy by Arya’s voice, crashing back down to your friends who were sitting at the small lunch table with you. They’d been looking at you like you lost your mind.

“OH, uh, I was just, um… thinking about this joke my sister told me this morning! It’s been on my mind all day,” you said with a sheepish laugh.

“Mhmm. What was the joke.” Starr said with a blank stare.

Dammit, uh! —

“Girl, we all know you’ve been going through it lately, but you’re going to have to get over this shit at some point,” Kris said, gently placing her hand on yours. “What you’re doing isn’t… healthy.”

You were immediately in defense-mode, straightening your back before your eyes hardened at your friend, snatching your hand back from underneath your friend's manicured hand, making her flinch.

“I thought I told y’all not to give me pity anymore, I’m fine, I’ve been fine this whole time actually,” you said, annoyed, “I just got distracted, it’s not that serious.”

“Calm the hell down,” Arya, just as irritated, cut in. “We’re not giving you a fucking pity party, we’re concerned, as we should be. You’ve been rippin’ and runnin’ since fucking New Years, sorry for actually caring about your well-being.”

Her scolding immediately made you remorseful as the angry crease in your eyebrows relaxed, your eyes softening.

Your eyes met Kris's even softer ones, reaching out for her hand that was left on the table, “‘m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw that… on you like that,” you said, embarrassed at your behavior.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

Starr, who was seated next to you, threw her arm over your shoulder to pull you closer before planting a wet smooch on your forehead.

“Don’t apologize, you fuckin’ asshole,” she said with a cheesy grin. “Just stop going off on the people that wanna see you happy. We want what’s best for you because you deserve it. End of story.”

“You bitches are so corny, I swear to god.” Arya said with a fat eye roll, before getting up to lean over the table to kiss your cheek.

You loved them so bad, holy shit.

When you were at school, your sister received a phone call from Ellie.

She had been seated on the living room couch, munching on microwavable Kraft mac ‘n cheese while rewatching the seventh season of Bad Girls Club before her phone started vibrating on the table.

She almost declined it, but something in the back of her mind told her to swallow her pride and hear her out. Even if she was only given five minutes.

She put down her cup of mac, picked up her phone, and clicked the green button at the bottom of the screen before bringing it up to her ear.

It was silent for some seconds before a raspy voice that she missed so dearly rang through her head.

“Umm… hey. Are you busy right now?”

Your sister pulled into the mall complex that was ten minutes away from your house on Ellie’s orders of yeah i’ll be by the old Chik-Fil-A building just lmk when ur here and i’ll come 2 u. At first, she was skeptical that Ellie and her weird ass girlfriend were planning to jump her, but after Ellie explained that she worked full-time at the record shop in the complex and that she would be on break, she accepted.

She pulled into a parking spot before reaching for her phone and sending her a here, to which she replied with a comin.

She got out of her car before locking it, walking up and onto the sidewalk of the complex. She turned around at the call of her name, finally making eye contact with the girl that she would’ve never expected to fall out with.

She still looked cute, though. Good for her.

“…hey.” Ellie said

“What’s up.” your sister replied stoically.

“Nothin’, trying to make money,” she said with a soft laugh before gesturing behind your sibling to the mall bench. “We can sit if you wanna.”

“I’m good.”

She took a deep breath at the tone of her voice before softly replying “Okay… umm... how’ve you been doing?”

Your sister was starting to get aggravated with her friend’s…? Foe? She didn’t even know anymore… this girl’s attempt at small talk, so she cut it short.

“Ellie, why'd you call me out here.”

The girl paused, taken aback, “Are you really going to act like that right now?”

“Don’t try to question me right now! Where the fuck have you been?!”

“I should be asking you the same shit! You didn’t care enough to reach out to me either!” She said, voice raising with hers. Regular mallgoers were starting to look at the two of them crazy, but neither of them cared.

“Why the fuck would I reach out to you when all this shit is your fault! And before you try to fuckin’ lie, my sister told me everything!”

“Oh yeah? She told you everything? What the fuck did she say, then?”

“How you called her a little fuckin’ kid in front of your bitch ass girlfriend! —“

“Watch your fucking mouth!”

“FUCK YOU AND HER!” your sister screamed out, waving her arms around. Poor little Jimmy in the Spider-man onesie that was glued to his mom.

“THEN FUCK YOU TOO! I knew talking to your stubborn ass would be fucking pointless anyway!”

“I’m sure she’s gonna have a fuckin’ field day when she hears about how you’re acting right now,” your sister said with a scoff, referencing you.

“Fuckin’ tell her! Tell her how bad of a person I am, maybe it’ll fucking slap some sense into her,” she said viciously. Your sister dropped her purse and attempted to pounce on her best friend, before the mall security pulled up in a worn golf cart with a gruff hey! what’s the big idea?!

Both girls had been breathing heavily, faces inches away from each other, before your sister let out a harsh, shaky sigh, picking up her purse from the mall bench.

“You know she told me she was in love with you?” your sister said shakily. Ellie froze, eyes slightly softening, before she tensed up again, releasing a scoff.

“Oh my fucking god, you gotta be kidding me,” she said as she rubbed her hands down her face in exasperation. Both girls stood in silence before Ellie snapped.

“How many times do I have to say that it doesn’t… fucking matter. You’re both mad at me for calling her a fucking kid when she is a fucking kid! You really thought we would fucking… ride off into the sunset and be together, are you fucking serious?”

“Nobody’s saying that! —“

“I'm gonna have to escort you two off the premises if you don’t cut it out right now— “

“Don’t fucking bother, we’re done talking,” Ellie spat nastily. “Go the fuck home.”

The freckled girl quickly turned away and angrily stomped down the sidewalk and back into her work building.

Your sister stood there stunned, eyes sweltering, before the—fucking annoying— mall cop addressed her, “Ma’am, do you need me to call someone to come get you”—

“No.” she gritted out harshly before walking back to her car just as pissed.

The minute she slammed her car door shut, she broke.

She sobbed and sobbed hard, hitting her steering wheel since she couldn't get her hands on the person she wanted, making her horn accidentally honk! which scared the fuck out of this old lady walking with her grocery bags.

Your sister didn’t care. All she could do was sit there and pray that her ex-best friend would run up to her car, tear the door open, and hold her close like she used to when she was upset.

But Ellie never came, and it made your sister wail harder.

She'd lost one of the most important people in her life, and there was nothing she could do about it now.

After your sister regained control of her trembling hands, she pulled out of her parking spot and sped home.

You’d texted her earlier that one of your friends would drop you off because you were all getting ice cream, and she’d never been more grateful for someone having a car.

She pulled into the driveway and just sat there, thinking.

How the fuck did we get here, she thought. She wanted to light one up so fucking badly, but she would have to use her lighter that she left in her car for ‘emergencies’, as she called them.

She took a deep breath before opening her car door and walking onto the porch, unlocking the front door and going inside. Of course the universe, once again, had to prove its hatred for her: one of the first pictures on the glass decorative table had been one of her, all her friends, and you at her thirteenth birthday, her and Ellie in the middle hugging each other as hard as their small frames would allow.

It was silent.

Nobody was home.

And she allowed herself to break down with her back pressed against the front door.

You had a surprisingly good day!

Despite the small hiccup with your friends at the lunch table, you all committed to your usual after-school routine: eating your weight in Ben and Jerry’s! Of course, all three of you ended up jumping on Kris for wasting six dollars on a pint of vanilla ice cream, to which she defended the ‘most versatile and rich flavor! cry about it!’

After Arya dropped you off with a catcall and a scream of see ya tomorrow, sexy! you, with hands full of half-empty pints of Cherry Sangria, walked inside to find your sister laid out on the couch in a fetal position with a throw blanket over her, snoring gently. Her poor back!

You kicked your shoes off before jogging to the kitchen to put the pints into the freezer and head right back to the couch, gently coaxing your sister awake.

However, the more you looked at her face, the more you saw the distress, the dried tears, the photograph from her thirteenth clutched in her arms. You immediately began to worry when she stayed asleep.

You called out her name a little louder before she jolted awake, and as soon as she saw the concerned look on your face, she broke again. You barely had a chance to react before she sat up to throw her arms around you, sobbing into your neck. Your sister may have gotten emotional in front of you occasionally, but it was never like this. She could barely talk, and it scared you.

“What happened? Where's Ellie? Is she okay?” you asked frantically.

“S…she… I think she hates me now.” she barely whimpered out.

“Okay, just try to breathe, tell me what happened,” you said as calmly as you could, even though your heart was racing in your chest.

And she told you everything.

You had never been angrier in your life.

Your feelings were definitely hurt after your sister spilled the gory details of today, and you were sad after listening about what your sister had to endure alone, but you were so, so fucking heated.

After getting your sister tucked into bed, you immediately ran back downstairs the minute you heard her snore to put your shoes on and stomp down the road to the dreaded house. Ellie could be mad all she wanted, but making your sister cry was enough to make you see red.

The walk had been short and frantic and the second you reached the Miller porch; you banged on the door with all you had. Sorry, Joel.

Much to your… you didn’t even know what you felt when you saw Ellie (she had on sleep shorts and her strong arms and tattoo were exposed and oh god, stay fucking focused) open the door, but she immediately started pressing you about your disturbance.

“Dude what the fuck. Why are you knocking like you're a fucking cop?!”

“Where’s your dad?”

“…sleeping, why?”

“Get the hell out here! Right now, c’mon!” you said as aggressively as you muster. You didn't want to walk that sweet man up with your fussing.

Ellie was obviously shocked at your tone, but she came onto the porch anyway with a steady glare in her eyes. You held your own.

“Why did you yell at my sister today? Have you… fried all your fucking braincells or something? —

“First of fucking all, she yelled at me first, so don’t try it! Don’t try to act like you're so innocent and holier than thou either, this is just as much your fault as everyone else’s!”

“How is this my fault?!”

“Ask your sister! Or did she leave the ‘how obsessed you are with me’ part out?”

Pull it together, hold it hold it— You took a shuddering, but deep, breath.

“I’m not obsessed with you Ellie! Do you think I wanted any of this to happen, I couldn't help how I felt! It doesn’t excuse the fact that you took it out on her when all she ever did was care about you!”

She scoffed before running an agitated palm down her face before she dropped an unexpected bomb on you.

“I’m moving to Cali next month.”

And your mouth and throat never felt so dry.

“Don’t act like you care now. All you two wanted to do was blame me. It’s all my fault, right?” she pressed. You’d never felt so cornered. “Right?!” she repeated louder, making you flinch.

“Don’t fucking worry, neither of you have to see me again after this.”

“E…Ellie— “

“Fuck both of you honestly,” she said, and that was the final nail in your coffin. You could be buried right here if you wanted. Right at her feet where she crushed your heart.

She bumped your shoulder before going back inside, slamming the front door shut so hard, wind blew past you. You hated how you cried harder at the familiar, formerly comforting scent of pine.

You gasped out a breath… and gasped again and againandagain—

You couldn’t breathe or see, and your hand was grasping at your chest with the attempts of getting your heart to stop completely. You bent over to try to regain your breath, but it didn’t work, everything you learned was failing.

You stumbled off the cursed porch and teetered back onto the sidewalk but oh god you couldn’t think—

An all too familiar voice gasped your name, making you cry and gasp harder.

Dina. You heard her run up to you before putting a gentle hand on your back to help you straighten.

“Oh my god, shhhhh, c’mon honey, let’s get you back home okay?” she sounded so worried, and you felt a wave of guilt wash over you. Why do you keep doing this to people you care about?

Two weeks had passed since that night.

After Dina brought you back to your home, taking the key from your pocket and unlocking the door, your sister and her made eye contact for the first time in months.

Your sister had awoken to get some water to soothe her dry throat, grabbing her filled glass to sit on the couch and scroll through Twitter.

She almost shat herself when the front doorknob started jiggling. She damn near shattered her filled glass on the coffee table in front of her, slamming it down to stand and grab the metal baseball bat that your mother always had near the front door.

She hadn't moved fast enough, though, because the door shot open, revealing a pajama-clad Dina, guiding a panic-ridden you into the house.

Your sister was shocked at first, but the second she saw your tear-soaked face gasping for air, she instantly went into protective mode, rushing over to help you with your breathing exercises. Dina hadn’t moved to speak, but she wasn’t leaving, either: she wanted to ensure that you came down safely.

Neither Ellie, nor your sister, had told any of their friends about their turmoil, but they sensed something was off when they hadn’t seen the two of them in the same room together in a while. They never pressed out of respect for both girls, but to say that it hadn’t bothered them was simply untrue.

Once you came down, your sister mumbled a quiet thank you, to Dina, to which she replied with a gentle of course, honey, thick brows pulled down in concern, her own eyes glossy. Your sister walked her out with a grateful nod after taking you to your room to lay down.

This was the numbest you’d ever felt in your life. You hadn’t even cried since that night. You just…sat and looked. Looked and sat.

You had been spending the first few days of your Spring Break in your room with headphones in your ears, Rondo ringing in your ears. Niccolò, you sly dog. Your friends asked you if you wanted to go camping with them and their families, but you politely declined. You couldn’t fathom moving or talking or breathing. So you sat.

You had made some tough decisions, though. You were somewhat proud of yourself.

You, as well as your sister and then your mom (your sister hacked her Facebook, she didn’t notice), had blocked Ellie on everything.

No more grungy Instagram posts on your feeds, no more hotbox Snapchat stories, no more guitar-playing videos from IMessage. No more Ellie to plague your mind anymore.

You were so numb.

During early April, you and your sister drove by a U-Haul truck parked in front of the Miller residence after she picked you up from your violin lesson. Joel, Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and Cat were all outside on the lawn, goofing off as they carried boxes from the house and into the semi-loaded truck. You and your sister kept your gazes forward, eyes burning holes in the pavement under her car wheels.

Although neither of you said it, Ellie hugging Joel while he lifted her off the sidewalk was the last memory you and your sister had of her.

You were so, so numb.

A/N: yall ab to be like omg noooo don’t do thiss😦😦 girl i did it🤭🤭

praying i proofread enough please god like

but uhhhh yeah it might take a minute for the next part so pls be patient w me😗 but i’ve also been writing pretty quick so we’ll see ig but yeah writing sad shit 24/7 is hard but i love it so who cares :O anyway we’re about to get into the real tea next chap esp. w ellie :O i already started the outline and it’s already looking crazy just a warning😳 okay bye love uuuuu if you read this

pt. 3 here :D

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