#eleanor rambles

[eleanorblue]

We saw Kinky Boots last week, and friends, never in my life have I cried that hard during a musical.

Spoilers for Kinky Boots, Derry Girls, Stranger Things, and, uh, Pokémon Violet?

We bought the tickets like three months ago, and then three days before the show I suddenly thought “Hm, isn’t there a part where Lola sings to her dying estranged father?“

I looked it up, and there is in fact that part! Not only that, Charlie’s dad dies in like the first five minutes and one of the themes of the musical is Charlie filling his dad’s shoes (lol) and trying to make him proud/do what he wants with his life/be like him/not be like him.

“Gee,” I thought. “Better warn my brother. That might bring up some stuff.” But the tickets were expensive, particularly for a regional theatre, so off we went anyway.

So we got through most of the musical, and I was enjoying it (great show!), and I was a little on edge due to all the Dad™️ stuff but it was okay, and I knew we were coming to the Hard Part…and then LAUREN came out and started talking about how she felt when her dad died, and all I could think was “Jesus Christ, is everyone’s dad in this show dead??” That’s about when I started crying.

Right after that seen is Lola’s song to her estranged dad. If you don’t know it, it’s called “Hold Me In Your Heart” and it’s essentially about loving a difficult parent despite their flaws and needing them to love you too. I’d look it up. It’s worth a listen.

So Lola sang her song, and I actually full-out cried through it (I tried to be quiet, but I’m sure the people behind me noticed and goodness knows what they thought was wrong with me). Then a light came up on her dad sitting in a wheelchair, pretty zoned out. Lola walked over to him, says “It was good to see you, Daddy,” and put her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, didn’t really react, but then his hand came up to cover hers.

Lola visibly choked up, said “I love you,” and then left.

My brother and I didn’t, like, perform a drag show for our dying estranged dad. But, uh, the non-responsiveness? The hand coming up? THAT WAS KINDA LIKE WATCHING OUR GOODBYE WITH OUR DAD ONSTAGE.

So I was pretty much gone, and couldn’t really enjoy the finale.

My brother was…okay. He handled it better than I did, and he squeezed my hand throughout the entire scene. We react to different things.

The show was fantastic, by the way. Excellent cast. Lauren was amazing. I wish I had a recording of her song. It just so happened to be deeply personally triggering for me!

I feel like media is full of dead dads lately. I watched Season 3 of Derry Girls? SURPRISE, A DAD DIES! I played Pokémon Violet, a children’s game? SURPRISE, THE ESTRANGED DAD IS ACTUALLY DEAD! I got caught up on Seasons 3 and 4 of Stranger Things? SURPRISE HOPPER IS DEAD* AND OH LOOK ELEVEN FOUND A LETTER HE WROTE FOR HER BEFORE HE DIED! I went to see Kinky Boots! SURPRISE, EVERYONE’S DAD IS DEAD OR DYING!

Or maybe it’s just the frequency illusion. I think about dead dads (well, really one specific dead dad) a lot, I notice dead dads more.

There’s not really a point to this wall of text. Kinky Boots is a great show. Grief is weird. I should maybe avoid musicals with estranged-dead-dad-goodbye scenes.

Which is too bad, as I’d really like to see Fun Home.

*yes I know he's not dead that's not the point

[piecesofbrokenrecollections]

AJ: AA is 50% Apollo trying too hard to sound cool in front of Klavier and 50% Klavier twirling his hair in reaction to it

[densewentz]

okay but if we apply the "people who die/almost die can see ghosts" logic from DBD to Hob Gadling, that means he quite possibly had to watch Eleanor and Robyn get taken on to the sunless lands. Like I'm sorry but give me a Hob who has to beg Robyn to move on. Robyn who doesn't want his da to waste away alone, who is determined to stay and so so sorry he did something stupid and got himself killed. and Hob who knows there's no life to be had with Robyn lingering just for Hob's sake, who knows his sweet gentle boy with his mother's hair and Hob's cheeky grin absolutely must be destined for a soft afterlife, who has to choke back his own grief and beg Robyn to go.

[unclewaynemunson]

Pt3/5

Read from the beginning | Ao3 link

Robin's rant leaves an ear-shattering silence behind. Eddie shakes his head, like he can get the fog out of his brain in the same way a dog gets water out of its fur. It doesn't really help as well as he was hoping, though.

He slowly walks out of the backroom and into the garage. He's the only one there this morning and he makes his way to the old boombox in the corner, where he pushes one of his favorite cassettes – Seventh Star by Black Sabbath – in the player and cranks the volume dial up all the way to the right.

It's a quiet morning, with no customers waltzing in and barely any phone calls. Eddie is glad to be alone and have some time to come back to himself. The music attacking his eardrums, in combination with the familiar movements of cleaning up the garage, helps him organize his thoughts. He keeps replaying everything that happened since Steve showed up at the trailer yesterday night in his mind’s eye, trying to make sense of it all.

When Steve asked him out last month, Eddie hadn't seen any reason to say no, even though he didn't fully trust him. Surely they could have some fun together. As long as he'd make sure to properly guard his heart, Steve wouldn't be able to hurt him anyway.

But it soon got tricky: Steve turned out to be better company than Eddie had expected. The time they spent together wasn't solely about their bodies, like Eddie had expected of someone like Steve Harrington. No, Steve took him out on all kinds of original dates, he actually seemed to listen when Eddie was rambling about random nerd shit, and he always treated Eddie with respect. By the time a month had passed, Eddie was getting worried about the way his stomach started doing cartwheels every time he saw Steve. And when Steve surprised him with flowers last night – something nobody had ever done for Eddie before – he got the confirmation that Steve had been playing the exact game Eddie had wanted to avoid all along.

He had been sure of it: all Steve wanted was to know that he could have anyone he wanted, that even the Freak of Hawkins High would fall for his charms. And he'd walk away as soon as Eddie would try to turn them into something more. And all Eddie knew, as soon as he saw the flowers in Steve's hand, was that he had to keep him at a distance or he would actually fall in love in a way that he would possibly never be able to come back from.

In stark contrast to those memories, his conversation with Robin is still ringing in his ears, no matter how loud Danger Zone is blaring through the garage. Her voice keeps drowning out the music, telling Eddie on a loop how he is the one who has been playing a cruel game all along.

Steve is in love with him. Steve thought they were in a real, proper, actual Relationship with a capital R. And he, Eddie Munson, king of blind loser rats with bricks for brains, broke Steve's heart because he thought Steve was breaking Eddie's. Because he couldn't see past the high school stereotypes that apparently everyone around him had already long grown out of.

A nauseating cocktail of guilt, shame and repentance is brewing inside of him. He needs to get out of here. He needs someone to talk to; a voice of reason, someone to tell him what to do, someone to let him know if it will even be possible to fix this at all. Someone like Jeff.

But unfortunately Jeff also has a life of his own and he was just leaving for his shift at the RadioShack when Eddie called him in the morning, so Eddie concludes he'll have to settle for the one person he knows that is most like Jeff: Jeff's mom, who he knows is currently at home baking her famous chocolate pie.

He calls Richie to tell him there's a family emergency. Against all odds, luck is on his side this time: Richie appears at the shop to take over within half an hour and Eddie leaves the garage with screeching tires. He rings Jeff's doorbell like his life depends on it and when it finally opens he's looking into the familiar smiling face of Aunt Pauline.

She's not actually he's aunt, of course, but that's what Eddie has been calling her ever since he first met her. It was back when the word Aunt only meant the female version of Uncle, and the word Uncle meant nothing more to Eddie than someone taking care of you when your parents wouldn't. If Wayne is the father he never knew he needed, Aunt Pauline is the mother he desperately missed.

'Who's dying this time?' Aunt Pauline asks. It's a joke between the two of them that goes back ages, stemming from Eddie's tendency to ring her doorbell like a maniac every time he would show up at Jeff's house. Jeff's place was the first real house with a real doorbell that Eddie visited, and while his fascination with doorbells has faded over the years, his bond with Jeff's mother has only grown stronger.

'I am,' Eddie answers dramatically, stabbing himself in the heart with his hands.

Aunt Pauline chuckles as she steps aside to let Eddie in.

'Jeff's at work,' she tells him. 'But I'm glad you stopped by. He told me to save some pieces of my chocolate pie for you. Everything alright?'

'I have a question for you,' Eddie tells her urgently.

She raises hands covered in flour at him. 'I was kind of in the middle of something,' she tells him. 'But if you help me with my pie, you can ask me anything, how does that sound?'

'Hm...' Eddie pretends to think it over for a second. 'Okay, deal. But I get to eat as much dough as I want.'

'As long as you spare some for me, you can do whatever you want, kid,' Aunt Pauline says over her shoulder while she disappears into the kitchen.

Eddie quickly trails after her. 

'Do you remember how I always said I wanted to marry you when I was younger?' he asks.

'How could I ever forget, Eddie?' She looks at him with a fond smile while she shoves a bowl his way. 'Here, knead this while I melt the chocolate.'

Eddie takes off his rings, one by one, and proceeds to wash his hands. 

‘I wanted to marry you because you were basically perfect, you know? You always have been, for as long as I remember.'

Aunt Pauline huffs.

'What were you like in high school?' Eddie asks when his hands are covered in flour and sticky with butter.

'Huh.' She pauses, takes a moment to think before she lights the fire underneath a pan with a bowl filled with chocolate on top of it.

'I was...' She chuckles. 'I was very different from you and Jeff, that's for sure. I was on the cheerleading team.'

Eddie gasps dramatically. 'You weren't!'

'Oh, yes, I was. Got the pictures to prove it if you don't believe me.'

'No need to traumatize me with that, but thanks.'

'Hey, I looked good in that uniform!'

'Don't make me think about it.' He shakes his head, getting serious again. 'Did you do anything you regret?' he asks her.

Aunt Pauline laughs. 'Good thing Jeff isn't here,' she says with a wink. 'Of course I did. Who didn't, in high school?'

'No, I don't mean, like, dumb shit,' Eddie clarifies. 'More like... Mean shit.'

Her mischievous smile morphs into something more melancholy. 'Dumb shit, mean shit... I did it all,' she says. 'No one was perfect in high school.' That signature twinkle returns to her eyes when she adds in a teasing tone, 'Except for you, of course.'

Eddie snorts. 'So when exactly did you turn into this perfect human being?' he asks her.

'You know damn well I ain't perfect, boy,' she says, shaking her head. 'But let me give you the boring answer: growing up certainly helped.'

Her answer sinks through Eddie's ear canal towards his stomach, where it settles uneasily among the guilt and shame that were already there.

'Are you gonna tell me what this is all about?' Aunt Pauline asks him after the kitchen has been filled with silence for a while, only disturbed by the sounds of a Tina Turner record playing in the living room.

'I think I made a terrible mistake,' Eddie quietly confesses. He doesn't look at her, but instead stares at the sticky dough between his fingers. He suddenly feels like a little boy again.

'What did you do?'

'I broke someone's heart,' he says. 'Because I didn't believe he could change.’

'Oh, Eddie,' Aunt Pauline says. The way in which she pronounces his name is enough to make him tear up: not angry, not reproachful, not even pitying.

'People always keep changing,' she says. 'No one's personality is set in stone. Especially when you've only just finished high school: there's still so much to explore, so much to discover about yourself and the world. You become more conscious of who you are, and who you want to be, and what you have to do to become a better version of yourself. You can't go through life putting labels on people and never taking them off again.'

'Guess I learned that lesson exactly one day too late,' he states with a sigh.

'Hey now, listen to me, Eddie,' Aunt Pauline says. 'You will always keep changing, too. So you can take this lesson, whether it's one day too late or half a lifetime, and use it to fix your mistakes. And if that boy you're talking about has enough experience with learning from mistakes, he'll know exactly how important it is to be forgiving.'

Next part

Okay, ngl, this was definitely one of the more difficult parts to write. I hope that it sufficiently made clear where Eddie is coming from, even though it obviously doesn’t excuse what he did (and I also hope you like the addition of Jeff's mom. Idk why but every time I write about Jeff his mom just materializes. It got out of hand this time. Shout-out to my beloved Liam @withacapitalp and Cass @henderdads for giving her a cool name!) (And credits to @stevesbipanic for picking the album Eddie listens to ily)

And on another note: HOLY SHIT i genuinely cannot believe that so many people were asking to be tagged on this story! I honestly consider it a huge compliment so I’m happy to spend a few seconds adding you to the list, it’s the least I can do for someone who tells me they enjoy my writing. Buuut to make it as manageable as possible: i’d prefer tag requests in the comments and not in the tags when you reblog. I do read all the tags religiously and they all warm my heart, but it’s way easier for me when I can find all the urls in the same place :)

Taglist: @pluto-pepsi @i-less-than-three-you @estrellami-1 @epiclazershark @angelscoops @missmagillicuddy @fxndom-hoe @chaoticvictorianspirit @itsali-taken @merricatty @its-a-me-a-morgan @lilacrobin @adaydreamaway08 @starman-jpg @irethsune @starry-eyedlune @littlemsterious @7shrewsinatrenchcoat @lostonceandneverfound @a-gae-af-racoon @heartstarstar-blog @ignoretenderness @thehorrorandme @paintsplatteredandimperfect @vampireinthesun @ntwolf69 @thatonebadideapanda @jackiemonroe5512 @tinynebula @obliosworld @sleepy-time @daydreaming-mood @aizawa-emma @lenathegay @irregular-child @just-a-tiny-void @evix-syne666 @niniel-karenine @scoopstomyahoy @pearynice @bambibiest @snapshotmaestro @carlprocastinator1000 @jcmadgirl @0o-queendean-o0 @swimmingbirdrunningrock @starlight-archer @deputyheller @goodolefashionedloverboi @stxrcrossed186 @aol19 @i-must-potato @slv-333 @cupcakesnwhiskey @anaibis @stevieschrodinger  @str4wb3rry-guy @thealwithnoname @telidina @samsoble @hardboiledleggs @hallucinatedjosten @solalasoforth @theluckyalien @rainydays35 @hellfireone @neonfruitbowl @i-have-three-feelings @sc00ps-ahoy @scarletyeager @ashwinmeird @sunfloweringstories @tillystealeaves @newtstabber @kknockursocksofff @potato-of-the-lord @messrs-weasley @yourbuckingkiddingme @lazyavenuewhispers @my2amgaythoughts @pomegranate-sock88 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @says-swag-unironically @sleepdeprivedflower @pitrsattabhaadmeinjao @dididisrespectyourbridgegoatman @ineffableoutpost @ellietheasexylibrarian @g4ys0n @howincrediblysapphicofyou @zaddipax @nightmareglitter @aizawa-emma @sparky--bunny @marvel-ous-m @freddykicksasses @gingersass @turboprops69 @remingtonsposts @bushbees @justforthedead89 @honeycomblattice

[eleanorblue]

A fun bonus thing I like about being on Tumblr is that FINALLY I can talk to about all the British fiction I read as a child.

So fun fact about America: we do not really have books by Jacqueline Wilson. I have never, EVER met someone in America who has read any of her books. I’m open to correction on this if any other Americans are like “wtf are you talking about all of my friends and I had those books growing up” but in my experience…none of my friends had her books or read her books, which sucked for me because I LOVED them and wanted to talk about them.

I only had them because my wonderful elderly neighbor gave me this big box of books when I was eight that her granddaughter (?) had outgrown. This box also included a number of Enid Blyton books, which similarly no one else had heard of. Not sure why she had them—they weren’t British, but maybe they lived or traveled across the pond at some point?

Anyway, I always wanted to play Malory Towers at recess (or Tracey Beaker, but I was too much of a Goody Two Shoes to want to be her, really) but no one knew what I was talking about so we stuck to playing that we were historical American Girl dolls or Laura Ingalls, which was fine but. Slightly frustrating.

MY POINT IS, I saw this post and was SO excited because FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE, and YEAH F CHLOE AND HER BULLYING, I was SO scared of sleepover parties when I was little because I worried someone would force us to watch horror movies like she did and Emily becoming Daisy’s best friend instead was the BEST vicarious vindication ever.

End rant.

Jacqueline Wilson has written a sequel to Sleepovers and I really hope that it will include Lily calling Chloe a bitch and smashing her kneecaps with her wheelchair.

[jumbleddufus]

This show is my roman empire

[coloredcompulsion]

You ever just have media that is so psychologically damaging you end up making the characters in Stardew Valley so they can just,, chill for a bit. They need somewhere to rest and this is where they shall.

[eliounora]

my print shop is mostly pre-planned save for a name. I don't want to use eliounora because it has so many random vowels, but I do want something similar, but I'm struggling to find something that is not already used on instagram. pain. agony

[enbysiriusblack]

not sure if any mutuals out there are alvin and the chipmunks fans but when i was ill i started watching the cartoon show and i carried on watching cause honestly it was fun. and i've just finished it so i've got to say... at least in the show, i think eleanor and alvin would be a better couple than eleanor/theodore and brittany/alvin...

like okay so eleanor is very much the most emotionally mature one of the chipettes and she's quite into politics and stuff but also enjoys going to the skate park and playing football, plus she does find alvin's pranks funny but also has a go at him when he goes too far but in a way that's just like "don't be a prat, but i'll help you resolve this mess".

and alvin is probably the least emotionally mature of his brothers (maybe on par with theodore, idk), and he enjoys football and going to skate parks and stuff but we do also see him encouraging and cheering on his brothers and dave and chipettes when they have achievements. also there's so many episodes where eleanor has a problem so he goes and helps her as hard as he can. like if they can't figure something out themselves they go to each other for help <33 (unless its more something that they need stem nerds simon and jeanette for tho)

like also they both bitch the most about their siblings (especially with each other!!) so i can imagine them literally just gossiping about people all the time and having each other as someone to confide in when people are pissing them off (cause they literally are already that for each other)

plus that episode where britt and alvin do that soulmate test and get each other and absolutely hate it and alvin imagines life with brittany being her making him carry loads of shopping and wear pink instead of red and stuff and britt imagines life with alvin being alvin hogging the spotlight and not letting her be a popstar anymore. and tbf that def isn't what it'd be like 💀 cause ofc alvin is going to just refuse britt and ofc britt is just going to ignore alvin.

but alvin and eleanor??? like i can def see them being together in the future and although their main career is obviously their own bands, eleanor would prob do coaching in one of her hobbies or something (since she enjoys it a lot) and alvin would do like professional skateboarding competitions and stuff, but they'd also like go on adventure weekends and stuff and they'd pick up random hobbies together and get super competitive with each other but cause they find it fun!!

also alvin and britt would sooo not work out. they both love the spotlight too much, it'd be constantly fighting for attention and refusing to give it to each other, plus britt is very neat and tidy whilst alvin is absolutely not but brit would refuse to clean after alvin and alvin would refuse to constantly have to tidy up and again, they'd jusy argue.

and with eleanor and theodore, it's more just a matter of eleanor finding him very sweet but she enjoys competitions and debates and theodore is just going to follow along whatever she says. plus theodore would hate all of eleanor's active hobbies (like i remember she's into fencing and stuff whilst theodore would be terrified of all that)

obviously i can feel people saying "oh but now theodore and brittany are alone" okay, so 1. not everyone needs to be paired up in relationships, 2. i also feel like brittany is the kind of person to be like "i'm the hottest, coolest, most interesting chipmunk around, why would i need someone else when i have myself?", also 3. britt is soooo either aroace or a lesbian, also 4. theodore may date sure, but show eleanor ain't a good match for him

[alisoncooper]

the inherent sadness of eleanor never being able to be the sister she wanted to be. she realised too late that kitty loved her despite everything and that she wasn't a threat to her. then kitty died before she could make good on her word to be better. and that would've eaten eleanor up for the rest of her life. eleanor had chance after chance to be kind and never took them. she was only kind when she realised what she was losing. and i can almost guarantee from that day on, eleanor made the conscious choice to be kind. because being kind can be hard when you're bitter and misguided on top of losing someone you cared for. and yet kitty made it look easy. so what was stopping eleanor when she already had everything? so she apologised to polly. she admitted to their father it was her who broke the bust of their mother and destroyed kitty's dress. she grew burgundy roses beside her herb garden in memory of kitty. kitty was so full of life and love and kindness, that even as she slipped away in her sleep, she was helping people. ok, maybe eleanor wasn't the sister she could've been, but after kitty died, i like to think she actively chose to become the person kitty thought she was.

[littlefankingdom]

Me: "Eleanor Rigby" is such a Bruce Wayne song.

Future State Dark Detective:

[piecesofbrokenrecollections]

...Heh. I tend to forget that Klavier-stripping-naked-in-airports is a canon anecdote and not just a fic trope

[the-feral-gremlin]

The good place finale really just looked at Micheal, Janet and Tahani and said “yeahhhh all your friends literally don’t exist and are the voice in people’s heads now, but the good news is you get to spend the rest of eternity designing and making peoples afterlives better for the time that they are here :))”

[mammomlette]

I have the good place and obey me brainrot so a lil merge

What if MC dies and due to their ties with both angels and demons lands them as a perfect 50/50. MC gets their own Cincinnati Medium place and becomes the new mindy st. Clair, never allowed to leave or contact their friends to let them know they exist outside of the celestial realm or the devildom, and nobody knows where MC went after they died.

(Ig if we’re going based on the good place, the om equivalent of Janet- Barbatos?- just lets them get a train down one day and casually mentions that he’s known the whole time lol)

[red-and-white-and-black-and-gold]

Well, since the US is officially out of the Copa, here’s hoping Colombia win the entire thing.

[scorndotexe]

im having a normal night dont look at me