#edit: I take back what I said about the new posting system I can edit tags without deleting the whole thing god bless

[theluckiestlb]

Hey, are you still writing? I love your miraculous au stuff, it's funny, but you haven't posted anything in months. Are you ok?

Hi, Anon! Thank you for checking in, it's very sweet! I'm alive. I returned to uni this past year and have been dealing with some health issues.

I'm creeping back online now that things have settled and am currently behind on fandom projects, if you're out there reading this I'm so, so sorry for not being responsive.

Goodness, it's been six months. Fingers crossed the entire season hasn't aired in my absence. 😅 I'd still like to post memes/my thoughts on what I missed, but I don't think many would care for those.

I hope everyone is doing well!

[copperbadge]

Well, Still Salty.

I was cranky yesterday and I thought a good night's sleep would provide some adjustment in perspective, but unfortunately "spending yesterday not on tumblr" also offered perspective and got there first.

Up front: feel free to comment or reblog on this post (replies may be heavily delayed) but if you feel the urge to Like, I'm going to ask you to take one more step and go to https://www.tumblr.com/support, select "feedback" as the category, and enter a line or two about the new dash. It can be as simple as "Your new dash design is difficult to use and is driving people off the site". I'm not asking everyone to do it, but if you're going to Like this post, that would be a helpful action in addition. You can delete any response they send; no reason to expose yourself to the unique combination of incompetence and condescension with which they handle feedback generally.

Also up front: yeah, if I find somewhere else to go and go there, I will certainly let you guys know beforehand, I'm not going to just evaporate. I'll be broadcasting about Tumblr's replacement on Tumblr very heavily. But I can't deny that it is now an active goal of mine to find a viable replacement for this site. (More on this in a moment.) You will always be able to find me on AO3 as copperbadge, or via copperbadge@gmail.com. (More on this in a moment also.)

This kind of thing is why I refuse to fuck with staff now or ever; I don't trust them and I never will. Watching @wip respond to almost every complaint or suggestion with "but that would be really hard" is telling. Whoever is pushing blocks around at Tumblr wants a lucrative site that's easy to code, but lucrative is hostile to community and code is difficult by nature, and when the architecture of the meeting hall is hostile and cheap, people don't stick around.

I've been watching the site as every change made it incrementally worse, from a buggy post window that doesn't allow ease of editing to the new dash (which is the reason I'm writing this in a text window off Tumblr). I genuinely do not think I can use desktop Tumblr like this unless I can install something that will put it back the way it was, and roughly 40% of the content you guys get HAS to come through desktop. It's impossible to do on a phone or so time-consuming it's not worth it. I cannot code Radio Free Monday on a phone; it's a struggle to code it on a single-monitor laptop (I usually write it on my work computer, where I have two monitors). Even writing image IDs on the phone is difficult and something I rarely do. Tumblr is becoming an actively difficult place for me to make content, introducing friction left and right.

But where does one go? I've tried other platforms and they're either worse to use or they don't have the constituency. The problem with a lot of discourse around internet addiction is that it often points out how glued people are to their phones without asking what it is they're doing on those phones. I'm not addicted to social media; I don't doomscroll, I don't care what celebrities have to say, I don't find 140 characters useful or interesting, I don’t find most “funny” videos very interesting. I create a lot of original content for public consumption, significantly more than many social media users, and if that becomes difficult, then the site suffers more than I do. But it's undeniable that social media, and this social media in specific, is where my people are, and yeah, I like seeing you all every day. It makes it difficult to leave even when Tumblr is the best of a bad set of options.

It seems like a lot of the internet, lately, is the best of a bad set of options.

All that said, Tumblr forced a sudden, unwanted, and unchangeable reskin on me a day after I listened to a two-hour podcast about addiction while working on building a newsletter system for my author site. I spent the evening before this happened in contemplation of my relationship to social media and to my readership and how I might alter it to my benefit regardless of whether that's also to Tumblr's detriment. Their poor timing, I suppose. A lot of the theories advanced on the podcast were, to put it kindly, bunk, but one of the suggestions for people questioning their relationship to an activity was a dopamine fast -- removing something in your life that gives you quick but unsustained dopamine hits, so that you can take some time to level out and examine your behaviors. On the one hand, that's not at all how dopamine works; from the jump it's a bad theory. But on the other, pulling back from something you think may be causing you difficulty is generally speaking a good tactic.

Removing myself from Tumblr yesterday was an active process: because I have ADHD and often will forget something exists if I don't systematize my engagement with it, Tumblr is normally pinned to my browser, with the app on my phone's top screen. Removing the app and closing the window meant that while I occasionally reached for Tumblr, it was less frequently than I expected, and the lack of access reminded me why I wasn't there. I missed you guys, but I didn't miss getting distracted from work by my dash, or the pressure to respond to the volume of communication I receive through the site daily. I don't think my use of tumblr as my sole social media has been unhealthy, per se, but certainly yesterday felt both quieter and calmer after I walked away.

But that's a temporary relief, because you are my community, and not only do I not want to leave my community, it's a resource for me. One of the reasons I do things like Radio Free Monday and the weekly Hug on Saturdays is that I try to make sure that resource is reciprocal. Leadership involves service. Leaving would be easy in the short term, but in the long term, leaving my community without having another place to meet it, or another community to go to, would be harmful to both of us. I'm already someone who isolates, and while I have a strong brickspace circle of friends, they fulfill sometimes different needs.

Though I do appreciate the wild vote of confidence from the comments to my last post telling me people would come with me where I went. That means a lot to me. I will attempt to make it either unnecessary or as painless as possible. Just know, I see your faith and friendship and I appreciate it.

Sometimes at my old job I'd be in very tumultuous meetings where a lot was discussed and not much agreed on, and the most useful thing to me was always to say, "What are our next steps? What would you like me to do because of this meeting?" So what are next steps, all this being the case?

First, I'm going to be off Tumblr, mostly, for another couple of days, because clearly I need the break and a few days won't matter too much. Again, I will be back either to continue on the site or to let you guys know, at length and volume, where I'm headed. The former is much more likely.

Second, I'm going to be actively looking for both a widget I can install to reset the dash (recommendations welcome, I currently don't even use xkit) and a wholly new platform that's a realistically viable alternative. Even if the dash gets reset, the shitty post editor is here for good. Attempts to source alternative platforms in the past have taught me that it needs to have a mobile-friendly site or an app, a similar structure to tumblr, and a reasonable chance of actually attracting users. That's a heavy venn diagram unlikely to be fulfilled anytime soon, but I'm now invested in finding it, instead of just passively waiting for it to happen to me (as Tumblr did when it pulled me off LJ).

Third, I do have an email newsletter in the works! I'm just wrestling currently with setting up how people sign up for it. This wasn't meant to be "my main broadcast platform"; it's meant to be a once-monthly email to share book news, targeted at people who aren't on socials or who just really love content from me, I guess. :D The plan was for me to assure Tumblr users that it was not extra content, just select content repackaged into a digest. But it will be one way to ensure that if I'm moving around outside of Tumblr, you'll know about it. I hope to have a link to a signup page soon. (I'm....dealing with some code issues.)

Fourth, I'm going to be combing through the last ten years I've spent here and pulling anything I think is of value into an archive. For now everything will remain here as well, and I'll let you guys know if I think that's going to change, but it's clear that this space is moving only one direction, towards a place I can't exist, and when/if it crumbles I want to have already evacuated what's important.

So there you go. I'll possibly be posting sporadically (the Saturday Hugs are queued six months in advance so that'll happen) but if nothing else and if not sooner, I'll be back full-time next week starting with Radio Free Monday. I appreciate your patience and your kindness in the meantime!

[l33bang24]

OMG It’s You… (Part 2.5)

YouTuber! Fem reader x Stray Kids

Summary: Y/N’s YouTube channel is taking off after her reactions to Stray Kids MV God’s Menu. Now she’s making videos nonstop along with working a full time job. What would happen if she got offered a job of a lifetime and met the boys of her succession?

⚠️Warning⚠️: mild cursing, anxiety, overthinking

🏷️: @laylasbunbunny @weirdowithaphone @silverstarburst @jusanontstuff @anxiousskylar @drewsandsebastianswife @amararosesblog @niaalove (Taglist open)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N’s POV

I rolled out of bed when I heard my alarm go off. I’ve had a motivation block lately (don’t ask me where I came up with that). Some days I just don’t have the energy to get in front of a camera because that said energy gets sucked out from work. Work can be a pain in the ass sometimes, however it brings in money that pays bills even helps with the channel. When I first started the channel, I didn’t have a lot of equipment. I started off with the bare minimum with the money I had leftover from paying bills. Once I had the starting equipment like a microphone, headphones, camera, etc., then I had to come up with the channel name. I ended up with y/c/n because it sounded like me. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t get a lot of views, still that didn’t help my anxiety any.

I try not to let things get to me, though it can be hard when you constantly don’t feel like you’re good enough. Anxiety and overthinking can make a person feel like that, even in situations that have nothing to do with you, yet you still worry about things you can’t control. I started getting ready for work, already dreading going in. Hoping that maybe today would be an easy day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t an easy day, it was actually the worst really. I am actually glad it’s the weekend though. I’ll have to rest up before I start up a new video. I’ve gotten into the routine of posting at least one to two videos a week (three if I’m feeling frisky). That way I can have time to go in and make edits of what I’ve recorded. I learned how to get a little creative with my videos over time, especially when I started moving my hands around when I’m talking. ‘You mean when you start rambling about a topic for hours?’ I hear my inner thoughts say.

I decided to take the rest of the day to relax since I have been running around all day at work. ‘I’ll just start filming tomorrow. That way I’m rested up from this hectic week and can be productive these next couple of days.’ I tell myself.

The Following Day

Taking a sip of my freshly brewed coffee, I hummed in delight. I took in my surroundings now that I have some caffeine in my system. It was a beautiful day outside. Feeling the morning breeze blow through the air ruffling the trees. Being able to sit on the back porch and take in the scenery with a cup of coffee in your hand makes everything feel simpler. Easier. Just for a moment.

I knew today would be a little busy for me but that’s what happens when you decide to make a YouTube reaction channel, especially when it’s about K-Pop. I had recently seen where I’ve now reached over 300K followers on YouTube. I need to make sure I mention that in my video. I didn’t do it once and the fans didn’t like that, not that I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t pay it any attention. If I did that would really make my anxiety level go up and I don’t need that.

After finishing my coffee, I decided to go ahead and get started on making some new videos. I pulled my computer and monitors up, making sure that my microphone and headphones were up and ready to go. The last thing being my camera. Checking my monitor to make sure I have it positioned where I want it and that my main screen, where I show what I’m watching, is up as well. Once everything is to my liking, I take a deep breath and think about something that makes me happy to brighten up my mood. Clicking the record button, counting to three, I start my intro.

“Good Morning Lovelies! How are y’all doing this morning?” Taking a pause, I start again. “I hope you’re all doing well. Eating well, sleeping well, and going outside to enjoy the weather. It’s pretty outside today. I decided I’d have my morning coffee out there. Maybe next time I’ll film a little video for y’all, I’d think you’d enjoy it as well. Anyways before I get off track, today we are going to be watching the newest SKZ Code that came out recently. I always wait in case there’s a part two. So that way I can watch it back to back and not wait for the second part to come out. I believe most of you know this by now, though we also have new followers who don’t know that. Now I’m getting off track, haha. I can’t help it y’all, you know this. Okay! Let’s get started before I talk your ear off.” I smile looking at my main monitor that holds my videos for the day. I write down on my sticky notes nearby about the 300K followers so that way I don’t forget. I play the videos that I prepared for the day, laughing my ass off at the boys being silly. Occasionally wiping a stray tear from laughing so hard. Stopping to talk about my favorite parts or having to go back and rewatch a part just to laugh twice as hard as the first time.

Towards the end I look down at the sticky note I prepared. Getting ready to end the video I tell myself what I need to say. “Well, that’s it for the video today! I hope enjoyed it as much as I did, but before I let you go I have some thing I need to say. This channel just hit the 300K subscribers within this past week!! I’m so happy that people love watching Stray Kids as much as I do. I do more than just Stray Kids on here, but my Stray Kids videos get way more views than the others. I don’t like being biased to just one group but Stray Kids has always been the closest to my heart and I know my fellow Stays know that as well. And to Stray Kids if you ever see this, I hope you know just how much we love and appreciate everything that you do.” I smile at the camera. “Thank you everyone for supporting me and continuing to support me. Until then I will see you in the next video.” I do a two finger salute to the camera. “Bye!”

(A/N: Hi everyone! So I tried to get the whole part 2 together but I couldn’t figure out how to at more text under the pictures so I just made a second post to it. If anyone knows how I could do that please let me know because there might be more coming. Anyways thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!)

[user211201]

Gym Goggles

--- Originally posted by ZacharyEverlust before 2018-08-22 ---

--- Note: Pokémon Leader TF ---

POOOOT!

"ALRIGHT! NEXT ONE!"

The Coach blew his whistle, and off goes another successful victim--applicant! Gomennasai for that error. But yes, we are all applicants here aren't we?

The next one of us is a delightful little chap who was personally invited to join us in Dorm Desire Academy. Average build, you can tell since he's stripped naked aside from the privates which are covered by swimming trunks. He should be getting rid of them soon anyway.

By the way, you could tell that he's one of those anime-obsessed teenagers if you pay a visit to his room, devoted to reading tons of manga and playing many kinds of anime-based games. Well, you could tell that too if you knew the man personally. I mean, that's why I invited him after all.

Boy, don't you know how these types just absolutely love to imagine being fit, more muscular versions of themselves. Charismatic, shouting and boasting about in their teenage-slang. Cheerful and popular, basically total jocks. I mean! Just look at how great they turned out back in the Academy!

No dumbing down in case you guys are wondering, just pushing aside and reorganizing their talents in academics and pushing it all into sports and leadersip. Though its really case by case scenario if you are going into detail.

But yes, time to start narrating properly again. Let's call the chap "Baikoha" for now.

"WHERE are your GOGGLES?!" The coach shouted."Don't you know that all new students are required to wear their FULL-SET of equipment before the lesson?"

Baikoha winced, his hands fumbling about in his trunks. Attempting to find the branded pair of swim-gear that's tucked in. "Why did I sign up for swimming lessons again?" He thought. Noting that this week is "Sports Week" at campus, a tri-monthly Dorm Desire event in which its a mandatory for new students to take part in one sporting event each time in the year.

He took out the swimming goggles, light blue lens with rubberized ocean colored sides. It was quite similar to the rest of the goggles of the other participants in line. Although, like what the mini-swimmer's package that was sent to me has said. It's of a completely different branding.

"Congratulations, you've obtained one of the two limited edition "Marlon & Brawly" branded goggles." It said, and judging by the rest of the swimmers' mass produced "Dorm Desire branded" goggles. It looks like him and one other guy are the lucky ones for this semester.

Well, you would be if the coach wasn't pissed off at you.

He quickly wore the eye-wear, a loud "Click" sound signifying the goggles being attached to my face. The surroundings gained a dark-blueish tone, as the chap stared at the deep blue open-aired swimming pool, which seems to be remodeled and designed like the ocean itself.

Stepping forward...little by little. Nervous to mention to the coach that he's "not particularly sure how to swim"..., especially considering that this side of the pool only seem to be really deep. And that's only what it seems! Imagine how deep it actually is!

"So you're one of those newbies huh? The coach spoke,uh ohWell once this week is over, I'll have you diving like a professional!" He gave a really fierce-looking grin, as he raised his right arm and--

"SURFS UP!" SLAP! SPLASH!

The helpless chap is slammed into the pool, water flows and culminates around the branded goggles. Bubbles bubbling about.

"WhaBLURRBBBLEGHHHH!"

Bubbles beam towards the corners of the student's lips.Streaming past the edges of his tongue, the uvula, and into the numerous systems in his body. Body completely paralyzed, limp and light. But alive as ever, with red hot blood pumping to overcome the oxygen deficit in the lung.

Triggering the whole body, as the bubbles work inward. Down the legs, through the arms, chest, and most importantly the head. All of it beginning to realign themselves into a proper swimmer's form. New info being slowly bubbled into his thoughts.

The first were the arms. Starting strongly as they slowly align into position, arms bulking and tanning themselves deeply with the illumination of the sun. Mixed with the cool richness of the minerals in the pool, forming a light chocolate collagen-rich tan showing confidently on his swimmer-ised, nimble and exposed biceps.

Next were the chest. Pecs pumping out like a heart, chest firm, proudly synchronized with the darkening skin tone from each arm. Blood bubbling into the veins, lungs being completely filled with air bubbles, muscles aching for some action. His body stings up!

Arms moving further and wider, involuntary to the new brain sensors as they spread wide! Performing a powerful backstroke underwater, solidifying those strong back muscles that complement the skill and strength of the swimmer. Broad shoulders, with abs glistening with a healthy Tan like the rest of his upper torso.

Legs giving a mighty dolphin kick, popping out those glutes as they form a proud bubble butt, shining out underneath the new trunks growing beneath. Tan line forming just around the waist. Bottom as clear and white as the gentle milky river.

Bubbles leave his pores via the lower portion, releasing the laziness, unenthusiasm, and stress. Legs marloning and Shoot!ing past the unathletic height. The Negative energy being destroyed and bursting all over his feet as two pair of plain-sticky dark blue sandals form over his well-developed feet.

His mouth forms a steady grin, unattractive thoughts seeping out of his new darkened coat, trunks expanding and wet-suiting down his tall legs, brightening into a positive light blue with three thick paler strips down each thigh. Pairs of fins youthfully pop by at the ends of each leg. Completing his favourite wet-suit.

The light brownish hue covers his entire neck and face. His eyebrows and hair dye themselves a sharpedo blue, angular jaw and prominent cheekbones showing off the cheeriness of the man. The man who enjoys being in the water.

"Study-nerd's essays, homework, and watching anime are total bummer dude!" His vocal cords cooled, laced with Surfer lingo. * "Radical thoughts like surfing, swimming and marine biology are totally in."* Hair styling itself into a fin of a sharpedo, with some white dotted sparkles spotted near the front.

"Yo, what's an anime? ...Man, for some reason. I feel like I was in one!"

The man thought, furrowing his well-shaped eyebrows before shrugging off almost instantly. The last bits of the negative bubbles leaving through his mouth, steady and high capacity lungs lay deep in his body. As the soothing wave carries him up the depth of the pool, shooting up as it transforms into a tidal wave and--

"SPLASHHHHHHHHHH!"

The new man rose to the surface.

Flipping up his special goggles and allowing the light blue aura of the pool's surface to diminish any doubt he once ever had. Eyes revealing to be a calm, and a refreshing blue, with the confidence and fierceness of an all time swim-goer.

Embracing and relaxing in his new identity, as Marlon, Former Gym Leader of Humilau City's Gym and now the Captain of The University's Water Sports Group. A Carefree Surfer Jock who loves nothing more than being in the water.

"Yo! Brawly! Sup!" Marlon raised his hand. HI-FIVE "Hey Man! Totally drenched me over here! Haha!" He laughed.

The two of them were inseparable, fierce competitors and the greatest of friends back when they met in orientation. Recognizing the other Gym Leader back when they were roomies. And having being given their own special goggles together by the higher-ups as a reward for being one of the best pairs in their category. The Ocean.

With their knowledge of the ocean, surfing as well as a healthy match of Pokemon battles and tons of working out. With Marlon and Brawly taking the lead in The school's Swimming/Water Polo and Dynamic Surfers Teams respectively, The Captains of the University's Water Sports Group were unstoppable together.

"Dude! Race you to the top of the diving board." Marlon swam. "Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna wipe you down man!" Brawly jumped in and swam right after him.

The two of them made their way to the diving board.

"Hey Man! Watch this--I'm gonna make--!"

"A Bigger Splash Than The Sea!"

SPLASH!

[namelessweapons]

On Religion, Fictionkin, and the importance of 'Gatekeeping'

Long post. Under a cut. Herein when I say 'We' I mean the nebulous idea of a community, I will be using 'I' in this for us, for clarity.

I will be redacting the names of any people or events mentioned herein in passing. This is not a jab, a "Callout", or a focus on one person, event, situation, or otherwise, anything mentioned in passing as examples are just that, examples, and if you recognize any of the people, places, things, or events mentioned herein, you are invited to not name them, they are not individually important.

My last disclaimer is that this is an Essay, not a Debate, I will not be 'Engaging' anyone about it who disagrees. I will not be 'engaging' anyone about it who agrees either. Equality.

I state herein that I will be dropping the term 'Fictionkin', as it's been completely aided to ruin by people who aren't even Fictionkin, and that I place a new word down that I will be using, I will make another post just about this word as well, but do know I do that in this essay.

EDIT: Yes this is okay to reblog! No worries

When I say 'Spirit Animal' what do you think?

Your knee jerk reaction if you don't know me was probably to recoil, it's a term that's been appropriated to the point of near uselessness in conversations with people who aren't indigenous. My father is native, or rather, he's half native and half Salvadoran. But he has closer ties to his native roots, for this reason, I spent a lot of time with my indigenous nation on the reservation parts of my family lived on, and I've never been to El Salvador once.

Your next thought may be wondering why I don't drop what nation I'm from, it's because it's really easy to doxx people with that information, so I will not be doing so, it's not super important anyway, the only important part is that my people have a concept that has been appropriated into this nebulous concept of 'Spirit Animal', it's now a fundamentally useless word to me, and many other indigenous people as well, because people who don't believe the same things we do took a concept, and a word, and gave it their own meaning, and ran with it.

This post isn't about being native, and it's not about spirit animals, but it is about the idea of taking concepts and, more importantly, words that already exist and are attached to a belief system, and re-appropriating them into other meanings.

Where is this going? I'm getting there.

I've been out as 'Otherkin', specifically 'Deitykin' for around sixteen years now, and out as 'Fictionkin' for a large chunk of that. Before I continue I'd like to say that being Fictionkin is not 'A Delusion', it is not a medical condition, believe me I've seen therapists and psychologists, it's a keystone of my religious identity and spirituality, once upon a time I probably wouldn't have had to clarify that to my own community.

You see, it used to be that when you said you were 'Fictionkin' it mainly meant one of two things, either it was a religious belief, or you had caught on to the part of tumblr who began using it to mean 'I just really love and identify with this character, teehee!', and when that started happening, people for whom this was a religious belief, a deep an important part of their identity, pushed back, and said 'hey, we were here first, this is our religion, can you maybe get a new word for your roleplay?'

And that was the correct response, it is not only rude, but morally reprehensible to take something from people as important as a deeply set religious belief, and to say 'no, actually, you have to let us use it for this totally unrelated thing, that will make people assume the completely wrong thing of you'

It's this sort of colonizer mindset, this is why I started this off talking about the fact that I'm indigenous by the way, because I knew I was going to use this word as a comparison and I wanted people to know where I was coming from in regards to my relationship with it. But it is a very similar mindset, it's the mindset of 'I am going to use this, and you have to share, and if you aren't okay with that, you're an icky gatekeeper and the onus is on you to move'

No, it isn't, the onus is not on me, or anyone else for who this is a fundamental religious belief to 'move'.

Back then we were pretty good about setting boundaries, when someone would say 'I choose to identify as this character' or 'I just identify deeply with this character' the community was pretty good at standing its ground and going, no, that's not correct, there's no issue with that, but you need to get your own word, because this word exists, and we as a religious community are using it.

However I was recently made aware of the fact that apparently, somewhere along the way, some people decided that it was playground bullying to not allow people to appropriate spiritual beliefs and religion, now I'm not sure exactly when that started, I logged off the internet for a while to focus on my religion off the internet and also to deal with a fire and being homeless.

When I came back I still wasn't aware of it right away, in fact I wasn't aware of it until my spouse, who lives in the same home as me, attended an event and got to watch someone use the term 'Fictionkin' incorrectly.

Now I did not choose to attend this event, I work a very busy job, I also wasn't aware there was a discord for it or I may have joined to people-watch, but in the end knew it wouldn't matter, because my spouse and I live together, and I can community watch over their shoulder should I desire to.

Back to the situation, someone used the term 'Fictionkin' incorrectly, or rather they used a term other than 'Fictionkin' and attached the meaning that already existed of the word 'Fictionkin' to it, because at some point when I wasn't looking, Fictionkin were pushed out of their own words and their own spaces in favor of this new meaning, which seems to range from anything from;

'I have medical delusions about being this character' 'I choose to ID as this character' 'I just identify very closely with this character'

to a myriad of other things. I'll circle back to this, the point is I was completely taken aback when I saw the people in charge of the group wrist slap not the person who was using the wrong definition and implying by extension that everyone using 'Fictionkin' was delusional, or choosing their identity, or similar, but the Fictionkin who were attempting to protect their words from being appropriated.

This is, to me, morally disgusting. I find it fundamentally abhorrent, and I recognized something in it, that tiny sliver of a moment where I was like, oh, this is exactly like how white people took things from my culture and ran with them to the point where they're fundamentally useless outside of spaces that have been carefully screened to only include the original users, because outside of that everyone will make wild assumptions. I get the same roiling feeling in my gut when someone goes 'Oh, fictionkin, like the people who have delusions!/Really like a character!' as I do when Britteneigh who works at Holister overhears me speaking about [REDACTED] and goes 'Oh my goshh you're talking about spirit animals! my spirit animal is-'

Before anyone gets into a huff, no, I am not 1:1 comparing being fictionkin to the oppression my people have faced, so take your hands off the keyboard, because I wouldn't have replied to your lack of reading comprehension anyway to be frank. One situation reminding me of another does not mean I am 1:1'ing the situations and the fact I have to explain this here before it even happens says a lot about my faith in tumblr's reading comprehension. I know.

Back to my essay, the feeling was very similar, this was a word I had used for a long time, a word I was around for when it was created, and a word I had watched be kept very carefully so as not to be watered down, so that an already small and spread out community would have a way of discussing our experiences, feelings, and needs, without becoming scattered, lost, and lonely.

Because that really is the point of having specific religious denominations, my father was a hobbyist theologist, I grew up with bookshelves popping up around me filled top to bottom with religious texts. There are Christian denominations you can't even get to share a room because their root beliefs are so different, so they have different words. Imagine for a moment that an 18 year old walks into your catholic church -- you're catholic in this scenario -- and tells you, someone who has been catholic since you yourself were a child, the following:

"I think your delusional dependence on the saints is really quirky and cute, I've been in touch with God himself for two years now, but you're cool too"

You would probably not be entirely happy, and I think most people would understand why. It's more complex than that of course, ironically I'm watering down a theological belief to make a point about not watering down theological beliefs, I can be a hypocrite, as a treat.

Allow me to loop back to my original point. I came back, feeling lonely and eager to re-engage with my religious community now that my life was more stable, only to find that at some point my religion had been bulldozed over in the name of (misguided, I'll get to that) "Inclusion". I had been, have been, left Spiritually Homeless so to speak, never knowing if a place I popped my head into would be for people like me, or for people so fundamentally different from me that we effectively have nothing in common.

I don't have anything against people with delusions, I have non-religious delusions when my OCD peaks. I don't have an issue with people who relate very closely with fictional characters. I don't even really have an issue with people who 'choose' to identify as a character other than the core idea of this essay. I don't mind sharing casual non kin or non religious spaces with these people, why would I?

I would say 'after all, they aren't hurting me'

Except like, here's the thing.

They Are.

I came back to what I considered my home, my religious community, and I found that while I had been gone, I and people like me had been forcibly removed from the spaces we had made, pushed out overwhelmingly by either people who had either appropriated our word outright, or worse still, by people who aren't fictionkin, have no right to speak on fictionkin (much less the words we use or how we defend our religious institutions), and who have bullied us out of our spaces on this unacceptable, fundamentally selfish, colonizer-minded idea of 'Not Gatekeeping', of 'Radical Inclusivity'.

They are hurting me by depriving me of spaces where I am comfortable, understood, don't need to constantly re-iterate my religion, and they are hurting me by depriving me of a word that historically has been the only real word to get into contact with the few other people I share a religion with, and by telling people I have a disorder that I do not have, as again, I do not have religious delusions, I simply partake in a niche religion. There is nothing wrong with having delusions, there is something wrong with force-diagnosing me by proxy.

And guess what. Sometimes things just aren't for everyone. Sometimes things just aren't for you. And you have to be okay with that. Or if you aren't okay with it, you're going to have to deal with it, because it's just the way things are.

Now, since I know someone is going to get into it, what I'm talking about here has nothing to do with the queer definition of Radical Inclusivity, not relevant, not related, not a religion, not the same, do not bother bringing it up.

When I say, 'I am Fictionkin', I want people to know right away two things.

I am a fictional character (or rather, I resemble a fictional character and can be considered a nonfictional version of them for all major purposes)

For spiritual reasons, this is a religion for me.

I do not want, at any point, for any reason, anyone to have to ask or wonder, if this is a self ID thing, a medical thing, a love of the media thing, I fucking hate half my media, shining resonance refrain is dogshit and here's why-

Different essay. Sorry.

This is getting quite long, so I will now turn around and backtrack to my original point.

Thanks to a lack of gatekeeping, partially from the community itself, and overwhelmingly by people who paint themselves as having authority who aren't even Fictionkin forcing Fictionkin out of their spaces to make way for unrelated people, the word no longer has meaning, and despite being there when it first began being used, it is no longer a label that fits or that I am comfortable with.

For this reason, I will be hereby using the term Fictotheism, Fictotheist, Fictotheological.

{Use: I practice Fictotheism, I am a Fictotheist, I am Fictotheological}

My fictionkin status is religious, it is spiritual, I will be using this word because that point is baked in, it will be difficult to appropriate by anyone else, I have created this word to be like a bra; it should feel uncomfortable to use for anyone whom it does not fit.

I do not care if other people use it, in fact, if it does fit you, please do. I am not demanding anyone use it, it was created for me, and for me alone, as someone who was pushed out of my original community, it is too late I believe to reclaim Fictionkin, which is unfortunate.

My hope is that a new word will primarily give people a clear immediate idea of what I am, and that if for some reason others should begin using it, that it will create a community that is once again not only in-contact, but at less risk of being pushed out of our own community.

My only request to anyone who uses it, is that you gatekeep it. I am not only asking you to gatekeep it. I am telling you to. It must be in order to keep the definition intact. 'I identify as a character perceived as fictional for religious reasons', this is the definition, there are no other definitions, so sayeth the lord. This is a joke by the way, I'm not that pompous.

Not the demand to gatekeep this word however, that was genuine.

In closing, the word Fictionkin has been stolen from the people who originally used it, and I think that's quite frankly disgusting, but there is no fixing it now, the only way we could have fixed it was to gatekeep it when we first started being pushed out. Regardless of which word picks up traction next, I hope that this time we, as a community, can come together to keep people; especially people who aren't even fictionkin, from forcing us out of our own churches.

I will end on this note, partially for humor, and partially to nip this in the bud.

Spouse: 'People will definitely try to force you to use Fictionkind or say it already exists for this reason (despite it also being watered down)'

Me: Good, they can get fucked, this is my word for me baybee!!

[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 5) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano, and you find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

chapter 5: new life, old wounds. a honeymoon has to come to an end eventually.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, platonic!ellie x reader, protective!joel, implied age gap, hurt/comfort, sickfic?, joel needs taking care of, non-gratuitous descriptions of a wound, mentions of death, swearing, references to gun violence, fluff at the end, angst, and more angst.

words: 4.4k (eek)

a/n: edited this one to death. go listen to adrianne lenker.

-

Weeks passed. Rainstorms rolled into Jackson. 

Dark clouds eclipsed the sky, releasing sheets of rain that melted away most of the snow and rendered the ground a muddy brown. The storm system lasted days, save for an hour or two of sunshine between downpours.

Joel had asked you to move in with him. You refused. Then he begged you, saying that he wanted to be around to help you get back on your feet, but still, you declined the offer.

You always figured your honeymoon winter would have to come to a bitter end at some point. Watching Joel execute a man in cold blood probably wasn’t helping to close the divide that had been growing into a chasm and stretching you thin. 

Your wound was halfway healed now, too. It still left a scar that made you nauseous when you had to look at it in the mirror. 

You’d been allowed a week off from your usual duties around the commune. You asked to be removed from the position you had in the clinic, and Maria personally saw to that. You helped out at the school instead, with the kids you had grown so familiar with. They were the only thing bearable about your day.

You stopped offering piano lessons. That irked Joel the most. He’d gone even paler when you told him that than when he watched a bullet narrowly miss ripping a hole through your center. 

Maybe this is what you got for complaining about the quiet sanctity of your life in Jackson. 

You still played. You had long since memorized most of the scores you had collected over the years, so you’d taken to composing your own. It was all harsh, rolling sonatas that poured out of you whenever you sat before the keys. You’d pause to scratch the notes down on paper, skipping over a title because you knew you’d only be able to come up with one thing.

Joel. Joel Miller. Joel #3. Joel and I. Joel… why didn’t you ever ask his middle name?

You’d left him in the dark almost entirely about how you were feeling, save for that conversation you’d had in the clinic. By consequence, he was treating you as if you’d suddenly become fragile. As if you couldn’t handle getting hurt or witnessing death. You wished that you could say any of that was what was bothering you. 

Still, he came. He showed up for you. He was sweet. He cared. He barely even flinched when the little things would set you off. It made it all the more difficult to try and push back from him. 

On a cool evening, one where the air was almost warm but the breeze was bitter, the two of you sat on his back porch. 

He was strumming on his guitar, trying to remember how to play Led Zeppelin's Going to California.

He paused to tune the high E string and looked over at you. “Tommy said he’s goin�� on a supply run next week. Might try and hit up that old college I told you about. Want me to look for some more sheet music to bring back? Beginner stuff, or stuff for you?”

You blew on your hot mug of tea, watching the steam swirl in the air. “No. You’d have to sift through some old performing arts building. No use in that.”

“You sure? I know you said you wanted–”

“–I promise, Joel, it’s fine. Don’t make more work for yourself.”

“Alright, baby,” he said quietly, plucking away at the strings again.

“But for Ellie,” you interjected. “She mentioned wanting some more movie scores. Might be worth finding that for her.”

He played a little softer as he spoke. “It’s no good if she doesn’t know how to play it.”

“She can read music,” you countered. “She’s welcome to use my piano anytime.”

He stopped playing completely this time, groaning a little as he stretched to prop the guitar up against the house. You watched his expression mold into concern as you made eye contact.

“You’re shakin’, honey. Let's go inside. Or I can walk you home.”

The liquid in your cup mirrored a choppy ocean from the tremors in your hands. “I’m okay. Just cold out here.”

Joel got up and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Okay. Then I’ll get you a blanket. Gonna catch your death out here.”

Your knuckles were turning white with your grip on the mug and you flinched away from his touch. “Stop it, Joel.”

He paused. “Stop what?”

“Treating me like I’m another child,” you said. “Did you hear me when I said that I was fine?”

“That ain’t fair. I’m just tryin’ to look after you,” he responded.

You started laughing. “Really? It really feels like you’re trying to make up for something.”

It started to drizzle again. You watched as the rainwater began to dilute your tea. 

“Yeah? Make up for what, exactly?” He shot back. “Protecting someone I care about?”

You stood to meet him and the rain picked up. “Protect me from what? A man alone in the woods with no weapons?”

“Just ‘cause he dropped his gun doesn’t mean he had no weapons, doesn’t mean he was alone–”

“You beat his fucking face in, don’t act like you did it out of anything but emotion you couldn’t control.” The two of you were nearing drenched, but neither of you seemed to care. “Just admit that it was a bad decision. And that it was cruel, Joel. So fucking cruel.”

Joel just stared at you. “I’m walkin’ away from this, baby. You’re mad, I know. You don’t have to see things the way I see ‘em.”

You followed him to the back door. “I’m not done, Joel. Give me one good reason as to why you did it. A rational, true reason.”

“No,” he said as he opened the door.

“Then fuck you. You were wrong, it was cruel, and there is blood on my hands. How does that make you feel? To know that I blame myself for what you did?”

He slammed the door shut before walking inside, his face washed with anger. “Don’t you come into my fuckin�� house yellin’– not with Ellie upstairs,” he seethed. “ Blamin’ me for shit. For makin’ decisions that you couldn’t even imagine.”

You brushed wet hair out of your eyes. “Oh, but I could imagine it, Joel. I’ve been alive through all of this too. I still came out human on the other side. Not everyone is living in the world that you are. Not everyone acts like a fucking animal everytime they get the chance.”

“So that's how you see me, hm? A fuckin’ animal. You along with everyone else in this goddamn place. Just some old man who likes havin’ to kill people?” He looked away from you and shook his head. “I’ve got my reasons. Bein’ here isn’t gonna make me soft. Won’t make me forget,” he inched closer to you, “the ways that I lost people. I can promise you that.”

Joel had had a part of his humanity brutally gutted from him when his daughter died in his arms. Even still, he found it again in places he hadn’t expected. In Ellie, especially. In you. 

“And listen to this closely– real fuckin’ close,” he began again, “I don’t give a shit if you hate me. Move on, never speak to me again. As long as you’re alive, and I know that I did what I could to keep you that way, I’ll sleep fuckin’ easy at night. You understand that?”

He inhaled and went on. “Maybe that man made a stupid goddamn mistake tryin’ to hunt. Maybe I did, too. I wish I could say I was sorry for that. It’s a cruel world out here.”

“Sleep easy at night? Is that really the truth?” You crossed your arms over your chest and watched his expression shift.

“Wouldn’t… wouldn’t make it any harder.”

You knew that was a lie. 

You could see it now. Joel in another universe. A few less fine lines on his face, a few less grays threaded into his dark hair. No bad memories that would pull him from sleep. The right pocket of his jeans wouldn’t be ever so slightly stretched from storing a handgun there. Wouldn’t look at himself in the mirror like he was searching for the person he used to be. Wouldn’t look at you like you were an impending flatline on a heart monitor.

But this was now, and he would always be so stubbornly him, and you wished your feelings were important enough to him that he could see things the way you do. 

He dropped his hands to his sides and sighed. “Look, I’m just tryin’ to make things easier on you. Clearly you took this real hard, and I never should’ve brought you out there, and–”

“Enough, Joel. Don’t act like that was the mistake, or that you ‘ruined’ me, or some stupid shit like that. One of us has to feel remorse for what you did to that man and if you won’t, then I will,” you countered. “And sure, It’s been difficult on me. I’ll give you that. It hurts. There, does that make you feel good? Give you a purpose? You still want to put me back together after what you did?”

The look on his face told you that you had cut deep. You immediately wanted to back down, but you were tired and it hurt and he still felt like he wasn’t listening.

“I ain’t gonna yell at you, baby, if that's what you want. Just… just go. Go on, go home. I’ll still be here if you need me.”

You were angry because you were hurt. He read right through you, too. Knew you didn’t mean all of that. You were trying desperately to stay hurt and mad at something, anything, because once that faded, all you’d be left with was sadness and guilt.

You turned your back on him anyway, soaking wet and furious, and made your way home. You couldn’t help but cry. God, you hoped you hadn’t just ruined everything.

He’s still there if I need him, you kept repeating to yourself. He’s there if I need him.

-

Joel wasn’t sleeping. He couldn’t.

He used to get at least a few hours every night. Took him a while to get there after settling into life in Jackson. Even when you were with him, lying close to his chest, he’d still wake up with the sun, hours before you did. 

At least you quelled the restless anxiety that accompanied the morning exhaustion. You’d slip your hand under his shirt, rubbing circles into his side and his chest, and beckon him back to sleep. He almost never did, but he loved it anyway.

And now? He was getting almost nothing.

Sometimes, he could swear that he heard your pleas. Those strangled sobs echoing through the dense forest. Joel. Joel. Joel, stop it, fucking don’t, please–

A single gunshot, and the sound of you sobbing. 

There, does that make you feel good? Give you a purpose? You still want to put me back together after what you did?

He laid awake, the rain pelting the roof and the rolling thunder in the distance making his heart rate spike and setting his body into fight mode. It was a feeling he’d grown accustomed to. He’d check that his pistol was on his dresser, then he’d check on Ellie, and finally, he’d look out his window, hoping to see that light on in your bedroom. Maybe your backlit silhouette. Anything. 

You didn’t need him trying to protect you all the time. Worrying about you. Losing sleep over you, for fuck’s sake. If anything, he thought, coming into your life had just made things worse for you. If anything, he needed you a hell of a lot more than you needed him. 

Powering through sleep deprivation wasn’t an uphill battle. It was all downhill. After the third day in a row with almost no rest, he was flagging. The world around him felt blurred, his senses and awareness all dull. He barely got through the work day with Tommy. He felt, in a word, awful. It was strange. He felt even worse than he had after all those nights on foot with Ellie where he would insist on giving up his sleep for hers.

He wanted you. With more sleep, maybe he could push those thoughts away if he tried, but now, all he wanted was you.

Fittingly, Ellie was the only one that noticed. Well, Tommy must’ve noticed, but he didn’t mention it. 

After dinner, he could hardly keep himself awake to listen to her talk about her day. Sitting on the couch, with his head lolling to the left and subsequently making his hearing muffled on both sides, he dozed off.

“–el? Joel? The fuck, man, I was just getting to the good part of the story!”

A hand shaking his shoulder jolted him awake and he was slow to reorient himself with the room. Breathe. He was in the living room. The fire was lit. It was still raining. Ellie was there. You were… fuck, where were you–? Oh. Right.

“Are you good?” Ellie asked.

He nodded quickly, swallowing around a raw throat. “Yeah– m’fine,” he said. “Keep goin’, I’m listenin’ to ya.”

“Uh, no, you weren’t. You fell asleep. And you’ve only been sitting for like, five minutes.”

Joel sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Okay. Wanna tell me somethin’ I don’t know?”

“You look like shit.” She told him pointedly.

“Mmh. Shouldn’t have even asked.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Come on, dude. Are you sick?”

“No.”

“You sure? You look sick. And super fucking tired.”

“Yeah, m’tired. Storm’s been keepin’ me up,” he said, which was only half of a lie.

Ellie didn’t believe him. “Huh. Fine. Sleep away then, old man.” 

Joel’s eyes were closed, but by the way Ellie’s voice got quieter as she spoke, he knew she was walking away. He was a little too tired and a little too deaf to hear the front door open and close again a few minutes later.

-

“He looks dead.” A pause. “Is he dead?”

“Jesus. No, Ellie, he’s not dead.”

A palm smoothing over his forehead, then the back of that same cool hand against his cheek. He didn’t want to open his eyes. Too tired, and the touch felt too nice.

“Oh, Joel,” you exhaled. “He’s burning up. Probably killing his back, too.”

Warily, he opened an eye to see you crouching in front of him, Ellie close to your side. He would’ve thought he was dreaming, but in his dreams, his entire body didn’t typically ache. 

“I knew something was wrong with you,” Ellie proclaimed, looking proud of herself.

“Why’re you…?” Joel rasped. 

You cut him off. “Hey, Joel, you with me? Is there any possible chance that you got bit?” You asked. Just covering all bases.

“No,” he replied. “And fuck you.”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Ellie, go heat water up on the stove.” You interjected. “See if there are any tea bags left.”

“Ugh, fine.”

Joel’s eyes slipped shut again just as you sat down beside him. He was sitting upright, arms crossed loosely over his chest.

“C’mon, Joel. You should be in bed,” you said softly. Your fingertips brushed his forehead again, confirming the fever you had felt earlier. “Figures… Ellie says you haven’t been sleeping.”

He shook his head and tried to dodge your touch. “M’fine, babydoll,” he said like it was a reflex.

“Yeah, you’re fine, I know. You’re always just fine,” you replied. “Wake up a little, though? For me?”

He couldn’t argue with that. Slowly, he rubbed at his eyes and sat up more fully. “...Ellie got you? Shouldn’t of fuckin’ done that…”

“It was fine. It’s barely six, It’s still light out. I’m glad she did.”

He opened his eyes again, looking panicked. “Six? Fuck, I gotta–”

“Six PM, Joel,” you clarified. “You haven’t missed a thing. In fact, it’s a great time to catch up on some sleep.”

After you grabbed both of his hands and threatened to go get Tommy, he finally relented, letting you help him up from the impression he’d made on the couch. He all but collapsed into bed, hardly putting up a fight when you tugged off his shoes and jeans to get him into something more comfortable.

On second thought, maybe this was more than exhaustion. He didn’t have much recollection of the fever that came with that infected stab wound, not until he dragged himself up from the floor with what dredges of consciousness he had left to find Ellie. This was sort of akin to that hot-and-cold aching feeling. Had a fever when he killed those two men, too. 

He groaned audibly at the thought. 

“You okay?” Your warm voice rang through the room.

This wasn’t that, though. He was safe. Probably picked something up from being out in the rain with you. Is that how that worked? More likely from the insomnia, which surely must’ve shot his immune system.

“Mhm, yeah… you’re stayin’?” He mumbled.

“Yeah, I’ll stay.” You kissed his temple and pushed his hair off of his forehead. 

“Why?”

You thought for a moment. Honestly, you were wondering that yourself. But when Ellie showed up at your door in the rain, her face awash with concern, you didn’t even think twice about coming.

“Ellie was worried about you. I had to come,” you said. “And… the things I said the other week, they– they weren't completely fair to you. I’ll try to make it up to you, if you’ll still let me.”

“Nothin’ to make up for,” he told you, words slurring together.

“I think there is, but–” you sighed. “Get some rest. You need it.”

He fell asleep easily after that. 

Joel’s nightmares were so vivid that he woke up feeling like someone had died in his arms all over again. He didn’t know who. When he sat up and looked around the room he saw you asleep, clinging to his arm, and a glass of water on the nightstand next to a mug of tea that went untouched.

He was freezing, shivering under multiple layers. His skin and the fabric clinging to it hurt. Everything hurt. He sucked in a breath, too overwhelmed to do anything about any of it. The only thing he could manage was to call your name out into the dark.

Your bleary eyes met his in an instant and you had to untangle yourself from him to sit up. “Hold on, I’m awake,” you said, clicking on the lamp.

Joel was pale and his eyes were glassy. 

“Did something happen? No, just feeling like shit? You’re still so warm… poor thing.”

He shook his head and tried to keep his teeth from chattering. When you opened your arms, he melted right into you. 

“Okay, baby. You’re okay, I still got you. Bet your fever’s just spiking.”

After a long while of him in your arms, he spoke up. “M’sorry for what I did,” he whispered. “Thought I was gonna lose you.”

You felt the ache in the wound on your arm that pulled from holding him. 

What could you say? That you would just put it past you? That all was forgiven? Was there anything at all that could be said with him in this state, sweating out a fever and shaking in your arms?

After mulling over the entire situation while you had been keeping your distance, you weren’t

sure if he would ever be sorry for pulling the trigger. He was sorry that it hurt you. That the golden image of him in your mind was tainted by what he’d done. That just made you angrier.

For Joel, part of that was true. He wasn’t sorry for pulling the trigger. He’d do it 100 times over, even if there was only a fraction of a chance that it made the difference between you living and you dying. But he was sorry for letting all of his past experiences haunt the decisions he made in the present, and he was sorry that he never did try hard enough to be better for you. 

He couldn’t magically change, though. Nobody could.

The fork in the road was clear. To hold onto hope that you could just love Joel deeply enough and some softer, unscarred version of himself would start to appear through the cracks, or to let him go. Let him be who he is, far away from you. 

Or maybe, maybe, maybe– keep loving him for who he is now, perhaps even if a little hardened and cruel, in this life with him. Love him deeply enough, love him long enough, and one day who he isn’t won’t matter. 

“You won’t lose me. You won’t. We can talk about it more when you’re feeling better.”

And if he ever finds those old pieces of himself, or if you manage to bring them out– you’ll love those, too. And if not?

He brought his face up from your shoulder and took your face into his hands. “I love you. I love y’too much. Don’t lose yourself in all this. Not for me, not for nothin’. Okay? Promise me.”

There wasn’t an ‘if-not.’ The harshness of this life hadn’t taken away his capacity to care about you. To want to give you the world. To love and be loved. Some things, some far away and buried things, the most important things, they had never left him. 

And Joel did. He did love you. It was a universal truth. It felt more certain than the sun rising each morning, than the salt in the sea, than the earth spinning on its axis.

“I promise,” you whispered. “I love you, too.”

-

You made sure Joel got better. Sleep was the best medicine. He was so bone-tired and out of it that you hardly had the chance to say anything else to each other for the next day or so.

You woke on Saturday morning to an empty bed. Joel’s room was tidier, empty mugs and dishes having disappeared from the nightstand along with the clothes that were scattered on the floor. 

You could hear Joel and Ellie bickering about something downstairs, and the oaky smell of coffee was permeating the entire house. It made you smile. You wanted to stay in bed and bask in it for a few minutes– that lazy morning feeling, and the growing warmth inside your chest that told you that life could be good again. In the heaviness there was still warmth, light in the darkness, sunshine after the storm.

It was still drizzly out, but everything was remarkably greener. Even the pear trees that were scattered between houses in the neighborhood were blooming. You found yourself looking forward to summer.

After soaking in as much time in bed as you could, you got yourself up and went to check on the commotion in the kitchen. Joel was busy making breakfast– eggs and a few strips of bacon that were sizzling loudly. He had a towel thrown over his shoulder and was gesturing rather aggressively at Ellie with a spatula.

“Come on, how’d you know that one?” Ellie asked incredulously, throwing her hands into the air from where she was sitting at the kitchen table. “It was good, too. Admit it.”

“It was the worst out of all of ‘em,” he retorted.

“Wait, wait, listen to this one– how did Benjamin Franklin feel when he first discovered electricity?”

Joel glared at her over his shoulder. “Shocked?”

She laughed. You were starting to think it was less about the joke itself and much more about Joel’s obvious hatred of them. “You’re killing my flow here, dude!”

He could pretend all he wanted. That smile and the way he shook his head afterwards told you he loved it. Maybe not the joke, but hearing Ellie laugh.

He came over to where you were leaning against the doorway, handing you a cup of coffee and pecking your forehead. You took both things gratefully.

“I see you’re feeling better,” you said, catching him by the arm before he could walk away. “Breakfast, too?”

He nodded, pulling you into him again to kiss you for a little longer. “Mhm. As a thank you for lookin’ after me.”

You smiled against his lips. “I’ll take it, then.”

The three of you sat down to eat together before Ellie, who finished three times faster than either of you, asked if she could meet Tommy at the stables. It was more like a declaration, one that gave Joel no room or time to say yes or no. 

You helped him wash and put away dishes, talking and laughing with him about completely mundane things. A part of you hoped that he wouldn’t want to bring up the last few conversations you’d had. This all felt so fragile and you would’ve done anything to keep it intact.

“I got you something,” he said after you’d sat down again. “Shut your eyes.”

Doing as you were told, you brought both hands up to cover your eyes. You could hear him leave the kitchen and bring something in from the dining room.

“‘Kay, open ‘em.”

He’d set a small vase of flowers on the kitchen table. The arrangement was made up of pink and white tulips, interspersed with golden poppies. You’d seen them when you went out with Joel– when you got hurt.

“I went out early this morning. You should see the fields, they’re covered in flowers,” he said. “I went out there to bury that man. Said a prayer for him and all that bullshit. He was alone, you were right. Someone would’ve taken him by now if he wasn’t.” He sat down in the chair next to you, reaching out for your hand. “Thought it was the least I could do… the right thing to do.”

You squeezed his hand as you stared at the flowers. “Thank you, Joel,” you said quietly. “You’re a good person.”

And somewhere, along the northern edges of a forest, there was a pile of freshly disturbed dirt and a cracked rock in place of a headstone. The rain would still come and wash over Joel’s work, but you hoped that nature would be kind to it. And in a few weeks when the sunlight gave birth to new growth, flowers would spread over the gravesite, too. 

“I’m tryin’ to do my best, baby. For you.”

This time, you really did believe in him.

-

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi there, Steph! I have a little question about the way that you handle the (queued) reblogs of your previous posts. Obviously you usually reblog posts the next day but what about older posts from years back? Are they also still following some kind of rotation or queue or do you just go through your own post history ever now and then, looking for stuff that looks thematically/interesting?

Whatever your system is, it is working great for me! I found a lot of great fics and meta-posts from your older posts as well and I probably wouldn't have found those just by browsing on your blog. I am just curious to maybe get a little glimpse behind the scenes!

Thanks for all your great compilation work over here!

Hi Nonny!

So my NEW posts always get a "next day reblog" and a queued "final" reblog (usually with "queue" in the tag name), which usually posts a month or two later depending upon how long my queue is, so that the content is seen at least three times guaranteed.

Lately though, because I haven't been getting a lot of asks, I have been just... going through my offline file of my blog (a 384 page Text Edit document) by just doing keyword searches of whatever comes to my mind and then tag them as "filler content". I used to never do this, as many come to my blog because it's visibly updated daily. But lately I just haven't had the spoons or mental capacity to answer long asks and instead I just pick whatever comes to my brain. Mostly my "classic posts" (ie. posts that I received a LOT of feedback for in the past or posts that are STILL making the rounds years later and I happen to see it cross a mutual's dash so then I reblog) or if I see a topic is popular, I'll find my old meta masterposts about said topic and try to get new eyes on them, since I didn't realize until this year that not everyone knows I used to be more known for my meta writing. Many people like the rabbit holes they can end up in reading my meta. Sometimes I'll go on my art blogs (@stephratte and @stephdrawsjohnlock) and find some old art I'd like people to see. It really does just depend upon my mood in the moment.

I try to fill up my time-slots in my queue hourly between 8am and 4pm DAILY, so that my blog is ALWAYS active and a place people can come and be entertained. I like having a very active blog. In turn, though, that comes with the cost of me spending EVERY NIGHT going through my blog daily, FILING EVERY SINGLE POST on the aforementioned Text Edit Document, and then setting up the queue accordingly. And if I don't answer a new ask, I just randomly type whatever I'm in the mood to re-read on my own blog and search for filler content. It's a lot of work but I think it's worth it since I get a few comments that mention that they are happy that I am so active around here.

That said, I'm SOOOOO happy to hear that my older posts intermingled with my new ones are doing it for you. Like, you have NO idea how pleased I am to hear this, because the immense guilt I feel for NOT having new content has been eating at me for months. I just... DON'T have the energy these days to ensure new stuff all the time AND work on making new fic lists for each Sunday. I have a nearly-ten-year backlog of blog here, I should really take advantage of that.

Thank you so much for giving me that validation I feel I needed for it, and I'm happy you enjoy your time here! This is SUCH a kind comment, and filled me with sprinkles and sunshine. 💜🖤

[orange-orchard-system]

"Is It That Serious?": a collection of thoughts on intrasystem conflicts and resolution, inspired by a recent incident

[PT: "Is It That Serious?": a short collection of thoughts on intrasystem conflicts and resolution, inspired by a recent incident / end ID]

Disclaimer: this was written several months ago in June (it was first drafted on June 10th, to be specific, and then underwent edits for a short time afterwards). The events in this text are no longer recent, although they were written about back when they were. We feel changing the text to reflect where We are now would cause this post to lose some of its story and meaning, so We have left it as-is.

Up until a short while back, we'd been having a lot of small intrasystem conflicts – the kind of clashes between desires and what you choose to do in your outer life that get under your skin despite how, or perhaps precisely because, they're about small, everyday events, not life altering choices. Our attempted mediations weren't helping matters, either, often coming off as placating or incomplete in their resolution. Combined with other stressors in our life, everything reached a head a few weeks ago in a fit that sent most of our selves silent and unsure of what would come next, or if this would permanently affect our system.

We're getting better now, after that incident. I do think we were right that this may have had a permanent effect on our system... but so far, it doesn't look like it's in an especially negative way. Or at least, not in an only negative way.

We're still quiet – that's the main thing. We weren't sure if the incident had affected the front, but so far, we seem to be continuing our co-fronting ways, just more separate from one another. Which may be worrisome if you first think of how this means our dissociative barriers must have increased – but in a system where we have to be around each other all the time, this was probably our brain's best method of giving us all a break from each other, which was desperately needed. But we're slowly (and I do mean slowly; rushing this would be a bad idea) re-opening communications and finding new stability in our bonds with each other. The largest impact this incident had on us appears to be in how it forced us to look at how we were doing (very bad), take a step back, and re-evaluate how we interacted with each other and ourselves. We got the break we needed, and in that time, we learned to ask some questions – and not to pose the challenges that had led to so many fights.

Here's what we learned to ask: is what we do with our physical body in our outer life really that serious?

When we clash over what we want to vote in a poll, is it that serious? Or can we just agree that both of the options we want to vote are good choices, and it ultimately doesn't matter which one we actually vote for? When we argue over what to get at the store, is it that serious? Or can we concede our own choices and let go of our bitterness while admitting that we do wish we could have had our way? When we worry over the timing of what we're doing and using in our life, is it that serious? Or can we acknowledge that the need to ration everything is a trauma response and we deserve to be able to casually enjoy life and use up the casual luxuries like scented soaps, cheap candy, and a good, filling meal?

I anticipate many bumps in the road as we figure things out, but I'm glad we've been able to ask these questions. Because now that we're asking them, we're able to mediate a lot better, too.

Before, it felt really... desperate. Fake. Placating, as I said above. Just something to make the arguing stop, just like we wished to make the threats and yelling and pain stop when we were younger. We're really good at rolling over and showing our stomach when it comes to a fight we don't think we can win. But this isn't healthy when you're on equal ground with someone else – and it poisoned a lot of our attempts to resolve these conflicts.

This the part of the road that's probably going to have the most bumps. But our efforts now feel a lot less like desperate pacification and a lot more like "Hey, I see you're upset, is there something I can do to make it better?"

Part of this is that we're trying not to promise something equal to make up for a grievance, because doing that just leaves time for the hurt feelings to fester. As an example, if one of us didn't get the candy bar they wanted, if we promise to get the one they want later, that just means they're stuck ruminating on how the conflict is still unresolved (because they haven't gotten their side of the deal yet) for hours, days, or even weeks. Instead, we're focusing more on what we can do in the present moment; "I see this situation has left you upset; is there something I can do to make you feel better now?", for example. It's better, we're finding, to ask questions rather than jump to promises.

(Which, honestly, is pretty obvious in hindsight; if you're looking to make sure two people in a conflict leave feeling happy and that their problem was resolved, you should really ask them what would make them happy, shouldn't you? You're just making guesses if you don't do that, and conflict resolution already involves an unfortunate amount of guesswork at the best of times, even in a system where you can literally feel what each side wants and is hurt about.)

I think another part of the building issue(s) was that we weren't carving out enough time to just explore ourselves. We're busy and stressed, and it's hard to find moments of self-discovery and plural joy when you're going through a rough patch. Based on that, what we really need to do to prevent everything from building up to another incident... is to journal more, get caught up on making PK and SimplyPlural profiles, hold some more bonding sessions, and get in the habit of actually talking to one another again using our external methods, rather than just taking each other's presences for granted.

Whoop-de-doo. Who would've thought the secret to better intrasystem relationships was more intrasystem communication and intrasystem management? It's not like communication is the basis of all healthy relationships... and it's not like we know very well that our symptoms get worse if we stop working to combat them... of course not... that would be so silly...

... I am glad that we're able to laugh at ourselves like this, though. It means the situation isn't keeping us down, and that we'll be able to work together to tackle the side issues we were having that contributed to all this. We likely won't be able to solve every problem we have – but even if there's not much we can do, it will be nice to have each other to talk to about them. After all, nothing says "fun bonding activity with the system" like complaining about your shared life! (tone: half genuine, half joke)

Not everything is fixed yet. We're still more separate than we used to be, and we can tell pushing too soon to change that will just make things worse. There's still conflict, there's still messes, there's still communication issues.

But things are looking up and we're making steps in the right direction. I think we can all say we're thankful for that – even if we wish it didn't take a very weird Saturday to get here.

—

There's not much else to say; I've gone over almost everything I wanted to, and I don't really know if there's a "point" to this post like there usually is to the stories we share. We'll probably be bringing up this incident in another post about intrasystem conflicts later on, but I don't want to promise that when I haven't even started drafting the post yet. But it's nice to be able to sit down and lay it all out. Yeah, there was this major issue in my system, it hit a breaking point, and now we're learning from it and figuring out what to do next. That's life, ain't it? A small story of victory and survival in a rough world – that's worth celebrating, I think.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go create some icons for several of our headmates who have been patiently awaiting their profiles. I'm a little apprehensive, since our perfectionism can leave us frustrated when we try to make such things for each other... but, hey, the quality of an icon is not really that serious at the end of the day, now is it?

No. It's not that serious.

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance: The Outtakes - Rekindled

Word count: 12.8k

Pairings: Sam x OC

Warnings: Alcohol, Smoking, Cursing, Mentions of Sickness, Death, Heartbreak, Abandonment, Dramatic Themes, Angst, Fluff, Smut Including: Kissing, Making Out, Touching, Fingering, Digital Penetration, Praise, Unprotected Sex.

A/N: Hey! Welcome to Vigilance: The Outtakes! Not everything can make the cut, right? These outtakes will be snippets of things that we cut from the original story during the editing process, but are still important to the overall storyline and may even provide a bit of background information on previously mentioned plots, characters and themes. These outtakes will not be posted on a schedule, but will be released as we see fit. Keep your eyes peeled you won't want to miss these!

SAM POV

AUGUST 2017

“We did it boys…” Danny said, flopping down into the chair in the makeshift greenroom. 

“Finally a fucking week off…what’s it been? Two months?” Jake says, popping the lid off of his beer. 

“Yeah, two months.” you reply, sitting down on the worn leather couch. You were still sweating from your set, your heart still racing and the adrenaline still coursing through your system. The last show of your two month long run across the East. Tonight you’d leave Atlanta and head home for a much needed break.

Luckily tonight the set was just a handful of songs, and you knew them like the back of your hand, in fact, you could probably play them in your sleep. 

“Then what?” Danny asks. 

“Then we start back again, hit the West. Be gone until we come home for Christmas I guess.” Josh replies.

Shit. A week off? That’s it?

Seconds later a man walks through the door and nods, “Good show boys, gotta clear this room for the next act. Make sure one of you sees the bartender for your payout.” he says, and just as quickly he is gone. 

“Damn, really getting the royal treatment.” Josh says. 

“I’ll start loading up, Danny, you want to help me?” Jake asks.

“Yeah, Sam, you got clean up?” he asks.

“Sure.” you agree.

As they all file out of the small room you begin collecting up trash, empty cans and bottles into a grocery bag you found on the table. You had spent all of about two hours in here. How you had amassed such a large amount of garbage was a mystery. 

Once you had all of the trash collected you set it on a table and began moving the chairs and furniture around, repositioning everything how you found it when you got there. You made your way over to your bass, locking it securely into its case, and setting it by the door for Jake and Danny. Your phone buzzed in your pocket, and you looked up from your duties as you pulled it from your pocket. 

Y/N

10:38pm: Yeah! Classes are going so good! I made some new friends! Miss you! Where are you guys even at?

Of course. You’d asked her that four days ago. Four. 

You shook your head and shoved it back into your pocket snatching the bag of trash off the table to take to the dumpster.

It was hot outside, and the air was so humid you felt like you were practically swimming. If you weren’t already sweating, you were now. The streets were busy with people walking from bar to bar down the bustling strip. 

You walked around to the back of the bar, spotting the dumpster in the alleyway, near where Jake and Danny were loading the van.

As you stepped up to it you noticed, there were actually two dumpsters, one trash, and one recycling. You smiled to yourself and began sorting the trash from the bag in your hand, tossing the cans into the blue dumpster.

As you were about to walk off, a side door opened, and a girl in a pair of black denim overalls stepped out, hauling a black trash can behind her. Her face was covered by a mess of brown curls tied up into a messy bun. You watched her struggle to pull the obviously heavy can towards the dumpster, as she fought with the yellow rubber gloves on her hands. 

“Here, let me help you.” you offered, watching her head snap in your direction. 

She looked up at you, her eyes as big as the moon overhead. “Oh. Oh, sorry. No. It’s okay. I’ve got it. Just full of liquid I think.” she said, dragging it towards you.

“It’s really no big deal…” you offered again, stepping towards her. 

“Just help me drag it over?” she asks. 

You nod, and grab the handle, pulling it to the dumpster with ease. 

“Thanks. How embarrassing.” she said, a blush creeping over her face. A small dimple formed in her cheeks as she tried to stifle the smile on her lips.

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m sure that thing is full of half drank beers and glass bottles.” you said, trying to cheer her up. 

“You were playing, a little while ago…” she said, starting to throw bottles into the dumpster.

“Yeah, I was. Did you catch our set?” you asked nervously.

“Yeah, I mean sort of, I was collecting trash but I heard you guys, caught the end for sure.” she answered, a small flutter gliding through your chest. 

“What did you think? Did you… enjoy it?” you asked, completely unsure if you wanted to hear her answer.

Even in the dark light of the alleyway you could see how pretty she was. A tingle in your chest caught you by surprise. You hadn’t felt it in years. 

“Yeah! You guys were alright.” she admits.

“Oh. Yeah, well, this is our last stop for a bit. We are a little burnt out, kinda ready for a break.” you say, trying to seem like it didn’t hurt you just a little. 

A smirk crossed her lips, “I’m Elle. Well, Eleanor, but my friends call me Elle.”

“Are we friends?” you ask playfully.

“I think we could be.” she smiles, hauling the heavy bag out of the can. “This is typically the part where you tell me your name.”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, I’m Sam.” you laugh.

“Well Sam, what’s your band called?” she asks. 

Oh god, don’t ask…

You swallow nervously, “Greta Van Fleet?” you answer.

“Is that a question?” she asks.

“No. You’re right. Greta Van Fleet is the name of our band.” You answer confidently.

“Okay Sam of Greta Van Fleet, where do you guys live?” she asks.

“Michigan. Frankenmuth, Michigan.” You say, pointing to your palm. “What about you? You live here?”

“No. I actually live almost two hours from here. I’m just here for the night.” she says.

“Working in a bar?” you ask.

“Well, kind of. The bar owner gives out tickets for shows here if you volunteer to clean up after a show night. Blitzen Trapper will be here next month and I really want to go, so I figured tonight would be just as good as any.” she says.

Wow, a girl with taste.

You smile at her, watching her throw the black trash bag into the dumpster, shaking off her yellow gloves. She removes them and holds them in her fist as she turns back to you. 

“I’m really glad I picked tonight.” she smiles. 

“I’m glad you did too.” you agreed. 

“So, Sam from Greta Van Fle–”

“Sammy! Let’s go!” Jake calls out in the distance. 

Shit.

“You have to go…” she says nodding her head, grabbing the handle to the trash can.

“Yeah, we have…a long drive ahead of us.” You admit.

“A long drive, huh?” she smiles.

“Yeah, maybe I could text you?” you ask, feeling your heart pound out of your chest.

“Are you asking for my number, Sammy?” she says, mocking Jake’s words.

“Yeah, I think I need it.” you reply, probably putting your feelings out there a bit too much.

She smiles and reaches out her hand, as you pull your phone from your pocket. You hand it to her, and watch her type away, her eyes sparkling in the light of your phone. 

“There. I sent myself a message so I’d have yours too.” she says, handing your phone back to you. 

You glance down and a smile sneaks out seeing her name across your screen. Eleanor, with a small white heart.

 “Perfect. I need to go before they leave me here. And yes, they definitely would leave me if you’re wondering.” you laugh.

“Okay, well you better go…I hope I hear from you, Sam of Greta Van Fleet.” she smiles.

“You will, Eleanor of… two hours away from here.” you laugh. 

You put your phone in your pocket and start to walk away, heart racing as your mind tumbles though a thousand different scenarios.

“Sam, wait!” she calls. 

You turn on your heels, looking over your shoulder at your brothers, starting the van. 

“You… you sounded really good. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you all night.” she admits, a hint of nervousness in her voice.

“Really?” you ask, the thought falling from your lips before you could catch it.

She nods, “This is going to sound crazy, I know we just met by a dumpster and I probably reek, but I just…I feel like I want to kiss you.” she says.

“Me?” you ask, completely shocked.

“Yeah…” she smiles, her dimple showing again.

“For the record, Elle, even covered in trash juice, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve seen in a long time. And I want to kiss you too.” you reply.

You grabbed her hand and pulled her towards you, letting your hand glide up to her chin, as the two of you drifted towards each other, before pressing your lips together. Your hand cupped her face as you felt her soft lips against yours, sending a shock through your body. Her hand rested on your stomach as you kissed her back, slow and soft, if only just this once. 

You pulled away from her, eyes completely blown out with lust, as you removed your hand from her smiling face. 

“I’ll see you Sam…” she said, shoving her gloves into her back pocket, lugging the trash can through the door behind her. 

You stood there as the door shut, mind spinning from the kiss you could still feel on your lips. Who was this woman? What had she done to you?

“Two seconds asshole!” Jake yelled from the driver's seat.

You ran over to the van, sliding in next to Daniel in the back, still thinking of her. You pulled your phone from your pocket and immediately went to her message. 

You

11:13pm: Sam

Should you message her again, or should you wait to hear from her? You wiped your sweaty hands on your jeans, bouncing your leg up and down as you tried to weigh your options. 

“What’s got you all worked up?” Danny asks, scrolling through his phone.

You let out a sigh, “Nothing I just…I just met the coolest girl.”

“A girl?” he asks, looking over to you.

“Yeah, throwing trash in the dumpster.” you smile.

“Romantic…” he smirks.

“It kind of was…” you admit.

“Whatever, might as well forget her. You’ll never see her again.” he laughs.

No. You knew you would. But you couldn’t say that. That sounds crazy. Right?

After a few more minutes of nervously switching between apps on your phone you opened your thread with her, and began to type.

You

11:34pm: Too soon?

Eleanor🤍

11:39pm: What took you so long?

—

From that point on the two of you were practically inseparable, well, not physically. You would spend most of your time talking to her. Texting, calling, anything you could. The more you got to know her the more you realized how similar the two of you were. She told you about her hometown, a place similar to your home. She told you about her family, just her and her dad. She told you about her hopes and dreams and you told her yours. She encouraged you and believed in you, eventually admitting she watched your entire set that night, barely able to drag her eyes away from you. 

Elle was the beacon of light you didn’t know you were looking for. Finding you at a time in life where you felt stagnant. As the tour continued through the fall the two of you grew closer, eventually deciding to see each other again as soon as possible. That time would come around Christmas, when you’d convinced her to come to Frankenmuth. She met your family and your friends, all who welcomed her with open arms. How could they not? 

To say the two of you were nervous would be an understatement, but the moment you saw each other it was like everything clicked into place. All the hours spent talking to each other, learning everything there was to know about each other, all had a meaning. A purpose. 

When summer rolled around she decided to stay for the season, taking a job at a local boutique and crashing with you. You spent your days busy working, and your nights wrapped up in each other. Your life felt like it was finally falling into place. You couldn’t imagine a day without her in it, and frankly you didn’t want to. 

A year later, when the time came to move to Nashville, she decided to move with you, packing up her life in Georgia and moving to what she referred to as ‘the big city’. She had her conditions though, opting for her own apartment a few blocks from your house. Though the two of you spent practically every night together, she felt happy having her own space, and who were you to take that away from her?

You remember that summer, the first time you told her you loved her, sitting in your backyard, watching the fireflies buzz around in the bushes. She watched them in awe, talking about her childhood and chasing them near the lake. You still aren't sure if it was the heat or the alcohol, but the words tumbled from your lips and you made no effort to stop them. You did love her. You think you may have even loved her that first night you kissed her. Through the years it became more and more clear to you that you couldn’t live without her, and maybe you weren’t supposed to. It hadn’t been an easy road but it was one she wanted to travel with you.

—

SEPTEMBER 2020

“Alright guys, let’s take a break. I gotta piss and I need a drink.” Danny said, standing up from his kit.

You slung the strap over your head, setting your bass into the stand before bounding up the stairs after Daniel. It had been a long week practicing nonstop. Tucking yourselves away in the foothills of the mountains, where the fog rolled in around 7pm. You spent days strategizing, writing, even arguing, but making magic nonetheless. 

After a morning spent in the sun shooting visuals for the single release, you promised to lock yourselves inside the basement for the rest of the night, hammering out a few final details for one of the tracks. 

There were pro’s and con’s to not being able to tour. But as of recently, you’d only been seeing the con’s. At least that’s how it felt. You weren’t able to travel at all, and mentally you felt it was taking a bit of a toll on you. You liked to fill your days traveling city to city, and country to country. Truth be told it's all you’d ever really known. So when you were parked in Nashville indefinitely, it brought all of your lives to a screeching halt. 

You sipped a seltzer on the stiff leather couch, placed peculiarly in the living room of the cabin, watching as Josh and Jake argued over the difference between a Hazy IPA and a Juicy IPA, stating ‘not all hazy’s are juicy, and not all juicy’s are hazy’. Regardless they both did the job of numbing your mind to the persistent bickering of your twin brothers.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, causing your eyebrows to raise, seeing as how you hadn’t had proper cell phone reception in nearly two full days. You pulled it from your pocket, and swallowed nervously as you read the name on the screen.

Eleanor🤍

10:25pm: Hey, just wanted to let you know that Dad passed away the day before yesterday. He went peacefully. I held his hand all the way through...hospice was here to make it a little less painful. His funeral is this Friday. 

Eleanor🤍

10:27pm: Sam, I’m not coming back to Nashville. I need some time. I’ve gotta get my feet back on the ground and figure things out. I hope you understand. Thank you for everything you did for me, and for my dad. I know he appreciated you all the way up until the end. Please, don’t respond to this, just know that you were one of the greatest parts of my life. 

You stared at the phone in your hand while the guys continued to talk in the kitchen.  You settled forward with your elbows on your knees as the news hit you. 

You sat there, completely dumbfounded and unable to form a thought. He died two days ago? Why hadn’t she said anything? 

She was completely alone, she was there with him when it happened. She has nobody to lean on. No one to cry to. What does she mean she’s not coming back to you? Is she leaving you? Is it over?

You knew you hadn’t seen Elle in a few weeks; she decided with her dad being so sick, it was best to stay away from each other for a while so as not to bring any unforeseen illness around him. She left you with a kiss and a see you soon, and you believed her. You understood. You agreed. You agreed with the unspoken condition that she would be back. But now?

You dropped your phone to the floor beside you, letting your head fall into your hands.  

“Sam?” Danny said, walking over to your side. Jake and Josh followed closely behind, as they all stood around you. 

“What Sammy boy, you okay?” Jake asked. 

You kicked your phone to his feet, eyes barely catching his movement as he bent down to retrieve it.

“What? What does it say?” Danny urges.

“Fuck.” he says, blowing out a breath, “Elle’s dad died two days ago. She’s not coming back.”

—

LATE JUNE 2021

You never thought you’d find yourself in this position. After Elle left you were a little unsure if you could ever even feel like that for another person again. It took you months to pull yourself out of the depression you were in. Spending night after night wondering where she was, and what she was doing. How she was doing. Texts went unanswered, phone calls straight to voicemail. It was the worst you had felt in your life, and you didn’t know how to snap out of it. 

Throwing yourself into the production aspect of the new album, you nitpicked and critiqued every last detail until you felt it was perfect. Essentially it was. You and Josh would spend nearly every night listening to the album start to finish, picking out things to tweak the following day. Eventually both of you ran out of fixes. Those nights spent with Josh were the most helpful. Letting him talk to you in a way that only he could. Explaining things in the way only he can. Slowly you came around, meeting Daniel for dinner, or Jake for drinks. Going for  a walk through the park with Josh. Every day started to get easier and easier until you woke up one morning and the hurt you were harboring was so small, you couldn’t feel it anymore.

A few weeks later you walked into a bar to meet the guys, and left with the last person you’d ever expected. A person who held a piece of your heart you weren’t sure you’d ever see again. Suddenly though, you took hold of a piece of hers, and you would be damned if you were ever going to let it go. 

Things had changed. She had changed. But she was also the same girl you remember, sitting next to you on your living room floor, pencil behind her ear as she drug her pink highlighter through a history textbook. The girl who slow danced with you at prom to a song that has lived in your head ever since and for the first time in a long time Elle was not a thought in your mind. 

—

You

1:37pm: Hey there sunshine! Question…

Y/N

1:41pm: Hey babe! Yes? 

You

1:41pm: We made plans to go home for the fourth, would you like to go? 

Y/N

1:45pm: Actually, I am already going back! Told my parents a few weeks ago I would be home.

You

1:47pm: Well perfect! We’ll be going to the lake, you’re invited obviously. I’ll let you know what time.

Y/N

1:50pm: You sure that’s okay? 

You

1:51pm: Positive. Get some rest tonight, I’ll see you when we get there.

Y/N

1:52pm: Safe travels!

—

“Moooooom! We’re hoooome!” Josh called through the house as you followed behind, lugging bags and boxes of fireworks. 

“My babies!” she cried as she came bounding towards the door, taking you both in her embrace. 

“I’m so happy you’re all going to be here! How long are you staying?” She asked, taking the bags from your hands. 

“Just a few days, Ma. We’re actually busy touring rockstars, did you forget?” you said, finally able to pull your sunglasses to the top of your head and close the door behind you.

It always felt so good stepping through the front door of your home, no matter how many times you’d done it. The familiar sound of the echoes of your voices bouncing off the walls, the smell of the home itself, and the instant feeling of comfort enveloping you, no matter how long it had been. 

You and Josh had spent most of the evening stocking up for the lake the next day, visiting two or three stores to get plenty of beer and snacks for the long day on the water. 

“Should we get mortars or bottle rockets?” you ask, standing back and looking at all of the choices on the shelves. 

“Uh, fuckin’ both? Whoa, look at this!” Josh replied, picking up a giant box filled with a mixture of a bunch of different fireworks. He was like a kid in a candy store, filling up the basket with tons of boxes while you followed along through the aisles. 

“Think this is enough beer? What is Danny even drinking these days?” Josh asked as you continued perusing. 

“I don’t think he gives a shit as long as it gets him drunk.” You replied as you picked up two cases of seltzers, and some white claw for Y/N. 

Speaking of…

You pulled your phone from your pocket to text Y/N, but instead found a text from a contact that you hadn’t seen in ages. 

Elle? 

Her contact in your phone still had a heart next to it. You couldn’t ever bring yourself to take it off. As you blinked a few times to make sure you were reading right, your heart dropped. It’s been almost a year since she’s contacted you. Since the day of her last text, she hasn’t even so much as sent you an ‘I’m ok’ message. No updates on her social media, nothing. Silence. After you spent weeks messaging her and calling her, you finally got the picture and gave up. So to see her name now on your screen, came as a bit of a shock. Your finger slowly and nervously opened the message. 

Eleanor🤍

5:17pm: Hey Sam, it’s Elle. Not sure if you had my number still saved or not.

Strange. 

You looked up from your phone to find Josh still trying to pick out his alcohol for the weekend. You were blindsided. You didn’t know what to say. Should you text her back at all? You were kind of upset with her for not giving you a good reason for ending things that you spent years building with her. 

You knew she was going through an extremely rough time, but the two of you were serious, you thought at least. You wanted to be there for her, help her through the good and the bad, but she left without even a word. She abandoned a relationship that you thought was growing, right at the time that was going to make or break everything. 

You slid the message closed, and opened your texts with Y/N. 

You

5:21pm: We made it. Stocking up on stuff for tomorrow. Let me know when you get to your parents! 

You

5:22pm: PS…don’t know where we’re going to be able to sneak off to this weekend, but I’m sure we could find somewhere ;) 

Y/N

5:24pm: I’m not far, maybe an hour or so. And I’m sure we’ll be able to find somewhere. You’re telling me you don’t have any old spots you used to take your girlfriends? 

You smiled, thinking back in time. You did have a few spots, but they were kind of, less than comfortable. But Y/N didn’t seem to really care about that kind of thing. You stowed away a few ideas in the back of your head, and urged Josh to hurry it up. 

You

5:36pm: Hmm, I’ve got a few places in mind. See you soon!

The entire ride home, you wracked your brain searching for something to say back to Elle. Should you answer at all? Of course you should. You didn’t want to be rude. She wouldn’t be reaching out for no reason. 

You and Josh unloaded the car, sticking all the alcohol into the fridge for the next day, and packing up snacks in coolers. You knew Josh would want to be out the door first thing in the morning, and packing tonight would let you sleep a tiny bit longer in the morning.

Finally you got the gumption to just do it. You felt anxious for some reason, to even bring up her name on your phone. She held such a special place in your heart for so long, it made your stomach do flips when you thought about texting her back. Y/N would be here early in the morning, so just saying hey to Elle shouldn’t hurt, right?

You brought up her text from earlier, figuring you let it marinate long enough. You plopped down in a chair at the kitchen island, your thumbs flitting over the keyboard as you thought of what to say. 

You

6:48pm: Hey, Elle. Of course I still have your number. How are you?

There, that was easy. Light and simple. You huffed a cleansing breath. The seconds ticked by as you waited for her text bubble to pop up, your heart racing. 

A smile crossed your face at the sight of the tiny gray bubble.There it is. 

Eleanor🤍

6:50pm: I’m okay, just keeping myself busy. How have you been? 

The conversation went on candidly and platonically, just catching up with one another as you brought her up to date on your life, and she with her own. She told you that she was working two jobs, one at a daycare facility, and the other waiting tables at a restaurant in the evenings. She explained how she made great money at both places, and was happy spending most of her days with young children, teaching them and playing with them. 

You

7:18pm: Have you kept up with the band?

Eleanor🤍

7:20pm: Of course I have, you guys seem to really be making it big! Do you have any plans for anything new coming up?

You grinned, she has no idea. 

You

7:21pm: Actually, yeah, we do. It’s in the works now, it’s probably our best work yet, honestly. 

Eleanor🤍

7:23pm: Well, I’m very excited to hear it :)

Your conversation with Elle went on for hours, the two of you talking so easily, just like old times. You asked about her dad, and how everything had gone after he passed. You didn’t want to be too forward, but you also didn’t want to be rude and not ask. She let you know that he’d left her the house and a few other things, which wasn’t much, but he left her comfortable; she really didn’t need to work. 

Eleanor🤍

9:15pm: Any plans for the Fourth?

You

9:16pm: Yeah! We’re actually back home in Michigan right now, gonna head to the lake tomorrow to spend the day drinking way too much and getting sunburned. You?

Eleanor🤍

9:18pm: That sounds like a great time. I’ll be working, but our boss promised to close up before dark so we could all watch fireworks together. I’ll probably just hang out with some friends. 

The question crossed your mind, but slipped away as soon as it came. Should you ask? Is it too forward? You took a swig of the beer you’d allowed to get warm from sitting between your knees. Ah, fuck it. 

You

9:20pm: Sounds fun. No one special in your life to watch fireworks with?

Vague. Basic. 

Eleanor🤍

9:21pm: No, no one special right now.

Your stomach flipped. Why did that make you anxious? You felt a tiny bit of giddiness sneak up. 

Eleanor🤍

9:22pm: What about you? 

Shit. How do you answer this…

You

9:24pm: Nothing serious, no.

That will have to do. You didn’t lie…

You’d retreated to the couch, sprawling out and drifting in and out of sleep as Josh flipped through channels of old movies and spaghetti westerns. About that time you heard the front door open, and Jake’s familiar quiet tone ring out through the house. 

"You made it, huh?" Josh asked, standing up from the chair.

“By the grace of God…” he joked. He walked a little further inside the house, you knew it had been some time since he’d been here. He probably felt strange. 

“This place looks...”

"The exact same? I know, it's weird isn't it?” You said, finishing his sentence. 

"Yeah.” He said, dropping his bag. "Is Mom awake?"

“I think so, I think she's in the basement. Dad is finishing a gig." Josh answers.

You watched as he rounded the corner and descended the stairs, followed by your mom’s hearty half-yell at seeing Jake coming down to greet her. You glanced to Josh, and the two of you shared a wide smile and a chuckle, her voice music to your ears. 

With your brother finally home safe, you let your eyes drift closed, feeling peaceful in your true home, knowing Y/N would be here early in the morning to surprise the family. And that an old flame had decided to reach out once more and say hello.

——

You must’ve gone up to bed at some point during the night, not having much memory due to how tired you were from traveling. You also must’ve fallen asleep with your phone on your pillow, as it’s incessant buzzing woke you from your slumber. You cocked your head and peeped one eye open, seeing four texts from Y/N. You slid your finger across the notification and blinked rapidly to clear your vision. 

Y/N

8:27am: Wakey wakey! I’m heading over in 10.

Y/N

8:32am: Helloooo…Sam..I thought you set an alarm

Y/N

8:39am: Do you want a coffee? I’m stopping

Y/N

8:51am: Fine, no coffee for you. I’m almost there. 

You smiled at her discourse, feeling excited that you got to see her today. You hit the call button, waiting to hear her voice. 

“Good morning starshine! The earth says hello!” She burst out, her voice light and chipper. 

You laughed, the sound of her voice making your heart skip a beat. 

“Okay Willy Wonka, did you get me a coffee or not?” You asked, rolling over onto your back to stretch. 

“No, you didn’t text me back and tell me what you wanted. Sorry.” she said. 

“Geez, how rude. I haven’t seen you in days and I’m not even on your mind?” You relayed. 

“You’re always on my mind, babe. I’m in your driveway, jackass. Come get your coffee.” she quipped. 

You smiled as you hopped up from the bed, unplugged your phone and pulled on some sweatpants. You bounded down the steps to find your dad and Josh in the kitchen. You walked over to the front door, twisted the lock and stepped out onto the front porch. 

She was waltzing down the walkway, drawstring bag hanging from her shoulder, and two coffees in her hands. 

“See, I knew you were thinking of me!” You teased, earning a severe eye roll from her as she shoved it into your hand. 

“I hope you burn your tongue.” she says, cutting her eyes at you.

“Sheesh, already feisty this morning, I like it.” You said in your flirtiest tone as she entered the front door, your hand already attached to her backside before anyone could see. 

You joined your family in the kitchen as your dad made breakfast, talking and laughing and catching up on life. It was so great being at home again, and having her here, it was like you were teenagers again. 

Suddenly you heard the stairs creak, the last person to arise from his slumber. This isn’t gonna be good. You took a short breath as you prepared yourself for his wrath. 

Some light normal conversation. So far so good…But you could feel the tension building in the room as you made eye contact with Josh. His eyes widened, feeling it too. It wasn’t long before you felt the sleeve of your t-shirt being pulled, yanking you to your feet and pulling you to the next room. 

“What the fuck? What is she doing here?” Jake snapped.

“Well, I don't know if you know, but… her parents live ten minutes away. She was born here!” You answered in your most sarcastic tone. 

“Sam…” 

“Jeeze lighten up. She told her parents she would come back for the Fourth a few weeks ago. I invited her to come to the lake with us.” You answered. 

“You invited her to the lake?!” He said, trying not to yell at you. “Sam…”

“What? It will be fine…” you reassured him. 

“So you knew she was going to be here all along?” He asked.

“Mmm, more or less.” You answered. 

“And you just thought…you shouldn’t mention that to me?” he asked.

“Mmm, more or less.” You shrugged him off, no longer trying to entertain his aggravation. 

“You are on my fuckin’ list.” He said. What’s new?

You made your way back to the kitchen, quickly finishing your plate of food. 

“You ready to have some fun today?” You asked her. 

“Sure am! How ‘bout you?” She answered. 

“Hell yeah I am.” You suddenly felt the urge, being close to her again always lit a fire inside you that was extremely hard to extinguish. You leaned in close, bringing your mouth directly to her ear. 

“I’m ready to see your beautiful body soaking wet in a bikini all day. It’ll be hard to not rip it off of you right there on the beach…”

—

Everyone piled into the car one by one, ready to head to the lake. You’d asked Y/N to braid your hair like hers, so you could match. In all honesty, you just wanted her to touch you. It may be innocent, but you didn’t care. It was something. 

“You ready?” She asked, flitting her eyelashes at you. 

“Always ready for you, sweet thing.” The words slipped from your mouth before you could bite them back, knowing that they probably hit Jake in the gut. 

She took all your hair in her hands and began rubbing your scalp, brushing her nails in and lightly and dragging them in tiny circles. Shit. She knew what this did to you, teasing little thing. She pulled your hair backwards into a tight fist, and lightly jerked it back toward her. You hissed through your teeth at the slight pain. 

God damn. What is she trying to do? 

She began lightly massaging again as you felt your whole body envelop in excited tingles. 

“You’d better watch. Your. Fucking. Self.” you murmured quietly, just loud enough for her to hear.  

Your heart was racing; she knew exactly what to do to get you worked up, even if it was as simple as touching your hair. She finished up the braids, tying off the ends as you turned back to her. 

You took her chin in between your fingers, bringing her face close to yours. “God I wish we were alone in this backseat right now…” you said, and you brought her toward you for a sweet and sensual kiss. You couldn’t help yourself. Would it piss Jake off? Probably. But he’ll get over it. 

Just then, you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. You brought it out to find a message from Elle. You both had fallen asleep mid-conversation last night, so she was following up with an answer to your last question. 

‘Do you think we’ll ever get to see each other again?’ you’d asked her, with the tiniest bit of liquid courage and delirium from being half asleep. Your stomach dropped, seeing that she’d actually responded. 

Eleanor🤍

10:46am: I don’t know, but I really hope so :)

Your heart fell to the floor. Could this be going somewhere again? You had a lot to think about, but you truly missed Elle. There wasn’t a day that passed since the last time you’d seen her that you didn’t think about her. Her gorgeous smile, her wit, her independence…all of it felt like it was ripped away from you when she left. Right as you were falling the hardest for her. A book left unfinished. 

But, what Elle didn’t know, and what Y/N didn’t know, Jake, Daniel, Josh, or anyone but yourself…was that something had begun brewing in your psyche. Your conscience was being pulled again, reminiscent of a fierce and uncharted time in your past. Your entire mind, body, and soul were being beckoned a different direction, straight toward the girl sitting beside you in the backseat. 

But here was Elle. You hadn’t even been talking for a whole day, but you already found yourself being swept up by her charm again. So, you threw yours on, too. She wouldn’t be texting you this much for no good reason, right? What’s the harm… you and Y/N had an agreement, and you were sticking to it, though you found yourself falling for her again, you had to stick to the plan. So you lied. You could never tell her the truth. 

No feelings involved, only keeping each other physically happy for now. Best friends having fun. 

Way too much fun… 

You

10:51am: You really want to see me again?

Eleanor🤍

10:52am: Of course I do. I’ve got a lot of explaining to do…apologies to offer.

There went your stomach turning in on itself again. The giddiness of nerves from finally hearing what you’ve wanted to hear for almost a year. 

You

10:54am: Well. I’d really love to give you the chance to do just that. ;)

—-

The day went on, the heat becoming unbearable as the sun got higher in the sky. You all spent the majority of the day in the water, downing drinks and swimming until your bodies were prunes. The perfect summer day. 

Each time you’d go to grab a drink, you’d check your phone. And each time, you had a text from Elle, every one sweeter than the last. 

When it reached afternoon, Y/N had gone up to sit on the beach and read a book. You snuck peeks of her from underneath your dark sunglasses, sat comfortably on a blanket still dripping with the remnants of the water. Hair a mess, cheeks pink, completely unbothered. You felt yourself staring, biting the insides of your cheeks as you fought hard to conceal what the murky water was hiding in your shorts. After a while, you noticed your can was empty, so you went to take a second to join her. 

“Hey gorgeous. The view of you from the water is absolutely phenomenal. I really didn’t want to leave the water...” you flirted as you laid down beside her. 

“Hmm… what made it phenomenal?” She asked, lowering her sunglasses. 

“I dunno, these ties sit perfectly on your hips…” you said quietly as you tugged at them. “And this top accentuates your curves perfectly…it hardly covers anything at all. You’re barely leaving anything at all to my imagination, baby…” you trailed your fingertips all over her body, ending directly over her core. 

“I’d really love to pull this to the side…do you think they’d notice if we disappeared for a minute?” You felt yourself hardening again in your trunks, turning yourself on just by speaking to her, watching her get worked up from your words. 

“Mmm yes, they’d definitely notice.” She whispered, licking her teeth. 

“Ha…you’re right. It’s too bad…I bet this bathing suit isn’t the only thing that’s wet right now, hmm?” you asked, your lips ghosting her ear. God you wanted her, bad. Right now. But you had to push the thought away. There was still a whole day of fun to be had. 

She glanced to the woods, the car, then back to your brothers still bobbing in the lake. She sighed a heavy sigh, showing that she wanted to sneak off just as badly as you did. Chalk it up as a loss. You pulled a fresh seltzer from the cooler, offering one to her as well. You laughed to yourselves, both feeling the unending pull toward one another, and unable to act upon it. 

You retreated back to the vehicle to check your phone again and have a smoke, you needed to physically separate yourself from her before you went crazy. Plus, you noticed Y/N and Jake had begun to make eyes at one another while you were swimming. Maybe you should give them their space? 

—

As the day was coming to an end, you’d started to feel the alcohol take up shop in your body, a headache creeping its way in. Probably from too much sun, too. You’d had a blast with your brothers and Y/N, only getting a little bit careless with the fireworks. You’d talked to Elle sporadically throughout the busy day, sending cute and flirty texts every single chance you got. You were truly enjoying talking to her again. 

You’d decided to go back home early with Danny to set up a special movie night for everyone, and, honestly, to let Jake and Y/N have a little alone time. You knew they had some things to discuss, and you could tell it was eating at them both leaving things unsaid. Though it hurt you, you knew it had to happen. As much as you wanted her, she could never be yours. 

—

You’d just sat down on the couch when Y/N tumbled in the front door and across the room, immediately positioning herself close to you and draping her freezing cold legs across your lap.

“Fuckin kiss me, Y/N.” You demanded of her to be quick before your brothers made it inside. She grabbed your face, attaching her lips to yours in a quick and heated kiss as your hands dug into her sides. Her tongue buried itself in your mouth, and you let out the tiniest of moans at the contact. You needed to find that spot to sneak off to, and quickly. She detached herself, lust written all over her face. 

Just then, Jake and Josh came in, Jake making his way to the fridge for a beer. You leaned in close to whisper in Y/N’s ear. 

“I need to get you naked as soon as fuckin’ possible, you wanna go shower?” You asked her quietly. She giggled and nodded her head, the alcohol still lingering in her body. 

“I’m gonna go shower, and then we can start?” Jake asked as he popped his beer open. 

“Sounds good, I think we are gonna do the same.” You answered, earning a stern look from Jake. Oops. 

Y/N stood up from the couch. “I’m going to go get my stuff from the car. Be right back.”

Just then your phone buzzed. Another text from Elle. 

Eleanor🤍

11:27pm: Hope you had a great 4th! 

She’d attached a photo of herself posing with exploding fireworks behind her, her face gorgeous and sunkissed and her eyes shut from the bright flash. She had on a giant dark green hoodie that reached way down to her mid thighs. An old hoodie. Your hoodie. 

Your face flushed seeing that she had still kept your favorite high school jacket after all this time, and she looked absolutely gorgeous in it, still. She’d changed a bit, her hair was a little longer, and she seemed to be glowing. You stared at the photo until your screen went dark, taking in every little detail of her.  

“You ready, Sammy?” Y/N’s voice broke you from your gaze. 

“Yep, let’s go.” You responded as you followed her up the stairs, sending one last text before closing the bathroom door. 

You

11:29: Still look perfect in my clothes :)

—-

After some of the hottest quickie bathroom sex you’d ever had, you left Y/N to shower alone, and joined everyone back downstairs in the basement for the movie. 

“Not showering?” Jake asked. 

“Nah, I will later.” You replied as you typed away on your phone, continuing to text Elle. 

“What movie, Sammy? “ he asked as he sat down in his favorite spot on the other end of the couch. 

“The best 4th of July movie there is! The Sandlot!” You replied, not bringing your eyes away from the screen in your hand. You and Elle had started flirting just a bit harder. 

A few minutes later, Y/N came down the stairs, clad in a pair of your sweatpants and one of your old t-shirts. Oh, and Jake’s flannel? But hot damn, she looked sexy. Two women wearing your clothes tonight?!

You grinned to yourself at the thought as she came and sat beside you on the couch, cuddling into your side under a blanket. Her touch was still so electrifying to you, and you suppressed those pesky feelings as much as you could. Just sex. Just sex. 

After a while you stretched out, moving Y/N down the couch toward Jake a bit. You laced your fingers with hers, leaving a hand free to continue texting on the phone buzzing on your lap. 

Eleanor🤍

12:27am: I see you cut your hair!

You

12:29am: I did, do you like it?

Eleanor🤍

12:31am: I do, it’s very fitting :) What are you doing now?

You

12:34am: Sitting on the couch in the basement watching a movie with everyone. Our fourth of July tradition.

Eleanor🤍

12:36am: Oh, the couch, huh? I remember that couch…

Your face flushed in the dark. A memory flooded your mind, right when things had gotten hot and heavy with you and Elle, you’d made it back to Michigan to visit home for a couple of days. After too many drinks and a bowl a piece, you and Elle found yourselves wrapped up in a blanket, still half clothed and her straddling your lap as she rode you. 

“We’ve got to be really quiet, we can’t make any noise.” she said. 

“It’s 4:00am baby, no one is awake…”

You’d unzipped your zipper just enough, freeing yourself from the confines of your shorts to give her some leeway. She’d left her sundress on, and you’d pulled her panties to the side, the both of you covering each others’ mouths and stifling any noise either if you would make as she quietly brought both of you into a bliss you’d been chasing ever since. 

You shook your head quickly to chase the memory away as Jake and Y/N both spoke out loud, “You’re killin’ me, Smalls!” at the same time as the movie did. The two of them laughed together…you watched as she laid her head back on the couch to look at him as they giggled, and it made your heart ache. He looked at her with the same amount of love in his eyes as you did. 

After a while, you noticed Jake had fallen asleep, and Y/N wasn’t far behind. 

Maybe this is a good time to go outside and talk to Elle. 

“I’m gonna go smoke, you wanna?” You whispered to Y/N. 

“Nah, I’m okay, thanks.” You squeezed her hand as you got up from the couch, and dashed up the stairs. 

You

1:12am: You still awake? 

Eleanor🤍

1:13am: I am

You took a deep breath. 

You

1:15am: Would you care if I called you?

Eleanor🤍

1:16am: Wouldn’t care in the least :)

The late night air felt nice on your face as you stepped outside onto the porch, lighting up a joint and pacing the floor. You hadn’t heard her voice in so long…

“Fuck it. Just do it Sam.” You said to yourself. You clicked the phone symbol by her contact, heart racing as you let it ring out. 

“Hey there, stranger.” She answered after a couple rings, voice as sweet as honey, her southern drawl still sending your gut straight into neverland. 

You talked to Elle for almost an hour, catching up even more so on the conversations you’d already had. It felt new, but familiar all the same. The banter was just like it always was, and hearing her laugh again made your stomach fill with butterflies. You weren’t sure if the smile left your face the entire conversation. 

After a while, you noticed her yawns becoming more frequent, and so were yours. You agreed that you’d talk tomorrow, and with a sweet goodnight, you hung up the phone. 

You quietly tiptoed down the steps, trying hard to not wake anyone. The scene you found on the couch hurt your heart and filled it at the same time, Jake and Y/N cuddled together, her head resting gently on his shoulder with his arms holding her close as they slept. 

You couldn’t help the smile that crept its way to your face. You know exactly how good that position feels. You grabbed your camera from the table and you snapped a sweet picture of them laying together, wondering if they would ever find themselves there together again. 

—

The next morning you woke up to the smell of breakfast cooking, always your favorite part about home. You thought back to last night, and your conversation with Elle. You heart swelled at the thought of her. Talking to her, seeing her, touching her. 

Shit. You forgot you’d left Y/N on the couch last night. You wondered if she woke up pissed. You threw on some shorts and climbed down the stairs, greeting your family as you glanced around the room. No Y/N. You walked over to the front door and her car was gone. She had left without even saying goodbye. 

—

You’d made it back home to Nashville, feeling strange that Y/N had left without even a word. You decided maybe she needed some space, seeing as how she probably woke up cuddling Jake that morning, and found herself in a strange predicament. You told yourself you reach out, soon. You knew she liked to disappear sometimes. 

Things with Elle had only gotten better; you’d begun every day with a goodmorning text, and your conversations had only become more intense. You were truly enjoying talking with her, so you decided you’d call her at least once a day, just to hear her voice.

When tour started you found yourself wishing Elle was there. Sure you had Y/N, your best friend and lover around but it was different. You knew Y/N wasn’t yours to keep. As you and Elle began to talk more frequently you found yourself pulling away from Y/N a bit, but when photos were exchanged backstage in Nashville, you found yourself being drawn to her once again and spending the night wrapped up in each other like usual. It felt so different with her. So intimate. Was it because you were denying your real feelings for her? Did she feel it too?

You felt like your heart was being pulled in two different directions. Elle and Y/N, the two most important women in your life were now silently competing for your affection. However, it was not lost on you that Y/N was also gravitating towards Jake, whether she noticed it or not. The thing about all of it though, was that you knew Jake. You knew Jake better than he thought you did. You could see that it was killing him to watch you with Y/N, especially after what happened back home. 

You could sense a shift between the two of them. Something was there. Something was growing, and maybe, by removing yourself from the situation slowly, you would make room for that thing to reach its full potential. Even if it killed you.  

—

LATE AUGUST 2021

BRIDGEPORT, CT

Eleanor🤍

7:16pm: Just landed.

You

7:18am: We are finishing up at dinner. If you go to the front desk at the hotel, I left a key for you in your name.

Eleanor🤍

7:16pm: Thanks babe

Your heart was pounding as the minutes ticked closer and closer to finally seeing her again. You just had to make it through this dinner. Y/N was sufficiently drunk, finally letting loose after her altercation with Josh in the lobby this afternoon. You felt terrible, you were so caught up coordinating with Elle that you weren’t there to defend her. Luckily, Jake saved the day. 

You watched as Y/N flirted with Jake, and you found yourself smiling finally seeing his smile, after a few weeks of sadness. You thought you’d feel jealous, watching him grab her hand and whisper in her ear, but you didn’t. The only thing on your mind was the curly haired brunette waiting for you in your hotel room. 

You swallowed nervously as Danny made the first motion to leave. You quickly stood and joined him as the rest of the table arose from their seats. Y/N was a little wobbly on her feet, but again, Jake stepped in and helped her find her footing. 

Your heart was racing as you made the walk back to the hotel, chatting with Y/N as she stumbled along beside you. After a few minutes you noticed she was gone, looking over your shoulder to see her walking next to Jake as he smiled. It felt good to see the two of them where you knew they were always destined to be. 

As you stepped into the hotel you knew that in less than five minutes you would be face to face, reunited with the girl that broke your heart. The girl who was here now, all this time later, to ask for another chance, and you would be an absolute fool to not give it to her.

Offering to take Y/N to her room, you were immediately shut down by Jake. You could have called that from a mile away. You sent him a knowing look and stepped out on your floor. You ran your sweaty hands over your pants and ran your fingers through your hair. You took a deep breath and tried to center yourself, as you tapped the key card to the door. 

You pushed the door open, your hands shaking so badly you shoved them in your pockets to try and conceal them. As you stepped into the room, you saw her, sitting cross legged on the bed, flipping through the TV channels. 

“Elle…” you breathed.

“Hi Sammy...”

You felt like all the air had been ripped away from your lungs, the sight of her here again feeling like a dream. She was just the same as the last time you saw her, except she had more of a glow to her, her hair was longer and her body was healthy. The last time you saw her she was in the midst of true grief, working like a maniac to take care of her dad and keep a job at the same time. But here she was now, blossomed and flourishing, and she seemed to only have eyes for you. 

In true Elle fashion, she quickly leapt up from the bed, and floated through the air to stand right in front of you, eyes zipping back and forth as she searched your face; clearly she didn’t believe you were real, either. You stood frozen in place, unable to get over the fact that she was physically here, making your head spin and hands shake. Sammy, the nerves…it’s okay. 

“Well are you gonna hug me like you know me? Or ya just gonna stand there like a bump on a log?” She said through the prettiest smile you were sure you’d ever seen. You felt a rush of pure adoration swell in your stomach, the sound of her voice even more like sweet honey than on the phone. God, you’d forgotten. 

You bent at the knees, taking your hands from your pockets and wrapping them low around her waist, lifting her into the air in a tight embrace while you spun her around the hotel room. Her laugh, like coming home to your favorite place on earth. The way her body felt, the way her hair tickled the backs of your arms as you twirled her... all of it hitting your senses one by one, and making you weaker by the second. 

Finally you put her down, letting her rebalance as you found her face again. For some reason, you felt your emotions tugging at you. 

“Are you really here? Or is this a fever dream?” You asked her as the two of you slowly made your way over to sit on the edge of the bed. 

She laughed hard. “I’m really here, Sammy.” Her hand found your cheek, her thumb brushing under your eye as she tenderly walked you through your realization. 

“How are you?” She finally asked, bringing her legs to sit comfortably on the bed, and muting the TV. “How have you been? I know we talk everyday but…” her face blushed red. 

The conversation flowed just like it always had, just like as you texted, just like it did on the phone. Except this time you could see the expressions on her face when she moved her mouth that certain way, her lower lip pulling down slightly to the left when she was explaining something. The freckles across her nose, her squeak laugh when you’d gently pick on her. Still full of enthusiasm, still as smart and quick-witted as ever. And you were drowning in her eyes. 

Your favorite, though, was how good of a listener she was. She knew how to respond and empathize, and she didn’t even know she was doing it. You laid there and talked for hours, laughing and arguing and loving every single minute of it. Elle was like an enigmatic force, a warm presence that was unfaltering, picking up right where you left off. She felt like the first sip of cinnamon whiskey, shocking and surprising with a slow burn that you couldn’t help but get addicted to. 

“…I guess I’m just really sorry I left you without an explanation, Sam.”

“We don’t have to talk about this now, it’s okay…” you interrupted. 

“No, we do. I’ve wanted to apologize to you for almost a year, but I wanted to do it in person. You deserve to hear that straight from me.” She went on. You nodded, reluctantly. 

“I was in an extremely weird and bad place back then, with my dad and everything. I was a shell of a person and not myself. I don’t even remember half of that time, you know? It’s like a blacked out blur…I thought I needed to separate myself from you to not bring you down, and the band, but…” you took her hand, locking your fingers with hers. It had been months…you could tell, something as simple as that brought her a little bit of peace. You were both lying on your stomachs across the bed, shoulder to shoulder as you talked. 

“I know now that you were trying to hold me up above water, doing what you do best…keeping everyone happy, Sam. You always have. And I turned you away. The brightest light I’ve ever had in my life, I shut you off. And I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to take that back. You didn’t deserve that. I should’ve reached out again.” You could tell tears were prickling her eyes as she spoke. 

“S’okay, Elle…” you whispered, leaning your head on her shoulder. 

“No, it wasn’t okay. We were…getting pretty serious. I think.” 

Yeah, you were very serious.  

“And I just…stopped it all. For no good reason except my own selfishness. And I’m so, so sorry, Sammy. I really am. I regret leaving the only man I’ve ever felt like this for.”

Your stomach plummeted. Still? Felt like this?

You knew the expression on your face turned to pure happiness at her words. 

“You…you still…?” Was all you could manage through broken breaths. 

“Of course I still love you, you idiot. I never stopped.” She said, punching you in the shoulder. You melted. Wow…she still…

“Do you think I would’ve kept up conversation with you for weeks and come all the way out here if I didn’t?” She asked, her last word hanging on a high note. 

That’s true…

“Elle, you are…” You couldn’t stop yourself, she was pulling you in. You brought your lips dangerously close to hers, letting just the tips of your noses touch as you let your lips brush hers. The electricity buzzing between you, her eyelashes fluttering across your cheeks. The warmth was immediately there, filling the space between you with a heat that you’d forgotten about. 

“I am…what, Sammy?” She whispered, her breath hot on your lips. You could taste her already, so you moved your tongue to sit on your lower lip, savoring every single second that you could. 

You brought your forehead to hers, letting it balance there while you caught your breath. 

“Perfect.” You breathed, the word falling from your mouth as you let your lips connect with hers, so simply and so sweetly. Just like you always remembered. Just one tiny kiss to reintroduce yourselves; she’d only been back for half a day. But it felt right, and real, and she truly was perfect, she always was. 

When you separated, you left your forehead connected to hers, as you let that lustful and heavy excited feeling settle in the pit of your stomach, taking up shop and re-rooting itself where it belonged. 

It was then you knew that she was back for a reason, and you’d be damned if you let her slip away again. 

——

That night, you slept platonically in the king-sized bed, sharing room service and a few beers while you reminisced, her getting sleepy and cozy while you twisted your fingers through her hair. You didn’t want to move too fast, though you could tell the heat was rising in her face, too. The way she looked at you…you recognized it. Nearly three years of her being your everything…of course you were still able to pick up on all her cues. You held back in acting on them, though, as difficult as it was, you wanted to still be a gentleman. 

And getting to know her again? Like re-reading your favorite novel…remembering the details that stuck out to you while reciting the sentences you’d memorized. Re-learning and recalling her mannerisms, laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe, and sharing so many tender moments you felt like putty in her hands. God, you couldn’t believe she was back. 

——

The second night of Bridgeport, and you finally had someone in the audience that you could play to. You had to admit, you were a little nervous. Anxious for her to see you play again, but excited all the same. You had a few more nerves in your system tonight, so you shook them away with an extra seltzer. 

The show was going well, until suddenly your bass cut out. Fuck. You glanced to Jake quickly, signaling him to distract. He did, thankfully, as you rushed to the keys to play the bassline there. When your tech returned, all was fixed and well, but you were humiliated. For some reason whenever something like that happened, you couldn’t help but get upset. It was the producer in you, you assumed. And Elle saw. Your first show playing with her watching again, and that just had to happen. Of fucking course. 

You finished out the show, hastily making it back stage to change quickly and get back to your hotel room. It had put you in a sour mood. You all loaded up in the van, and you shot a quick text to Elle saying you’d meet her back at the room shortly. 

“You guys wanna grab a drink at the bar when we get back?” Daniel asked. 

“No, I think I’m going to bed.” You answered curtly. 

You felt Jake’s eyes shoot you a look of confusion. You shrugged. 

“I could do one, then I think I’m gonna hit the sack myself. It’s been a long fucking day.” He answered. 

“One. We leave early in the morning.” Josh said. 

Daniel sighed. “Alright. It’s settled.”

——

When you finally made it back to the room, you felt strange at the still-lingering feeling of embarrassment from the mess up during the show. You set your bag down on the couch, peering around the corner for the sweet girl waiting for you. 

“Sammy! Oh my god!” She yelped, pouncing into your arms as you caught her, her legs immediately wrapped around your waist. “You were so amazing! Better than ever, holy shit!” She was going on and on, her arms wrapped around your neck as you found a smile creeping up, almost completely dissolving your yucky feeling. 

You turned, still holding her, and sat on the bed so she was now on your lap. Hello there. “I can’t believe how good you all sound, and the crowd? It was so good, Sam.” She went on, truly still on her high after seeing a good show. 

“Thank you, thank you.” You laughed shyly. “You’re too kind…even if the very first show you saw, my bass fucked up.” You let your head fall to her shoulder. 

“What? Oh yeah, you saved the day when you ran to your keys. Excellent job of thinking on your toes, babe.” She said, brushing it off. 

Babe. 

Ah, fuck. 

“Do you want to take a shower with me?” You asked before you could even stop yourself, an exhilarated feeling enveloping you. 

She sat back on your lap, arms still linked at your neck. 

She smiled hard. “Yeah, yes. I do…let’s go.” 

Be a gentleman, Sam…

——

You laid down in bed that night with Elle a bit closer than the night before, still facing each other and talking closely after your shower. Bodies hot and naked, finally feeling comfortable enough to be that way in front of each other again. 

“I’m really glad you’re here, Elle. I’m so happy you came, really.” You said as she traced your features with her fingertip. 

“Me too, Sammy. The timing was finally right…” she said. 

“Yeah, finally…” suddenly your mind shot back to Y/N for a split second. You knew that things with her and Jake had been rocky lately, but you’d also been kind of giving her the cold shoulder. You felt awful for ignoring her, but, if she only knew why…

You drifted off with Elle in your arms, completely enjoying the feeling of her on you again, fully and totally. She turned over, letting you wrap your arms around her from behind. Your perfect girl, sweet and mellow, and all yours. 

——

You woke up in the middle of the night, unsure of what startled you awake except for that late-night overwhelming draw to the woman cuddled into your body, still unclothed and gorgeous. Fuck, Elle. Gentleman is about to fly out the window, girl. 

It started slowly, you taking your fingertips and brushing them lightly up and down her side as you kissed the back of her neck gently. You moved to her ear, lightly nibbling at the shell of it as you blew cool air. She began to stir a little bit, waking up at the feeling of your touch on her. 

You felt her press her ass back into you, letting you know that she was aware of your intentions. And lord, were you ever intending. You let your hand keep tickling her, moving to her front, her stomach, her thighs…you felt her shudder against you and chill bumps rise on her skin. 

Then she turned, bringing herself to face you in the pale light of the room, arm draped across your neck. Her hand found your hair, wrapping it up in her hand as she met your eyes, sleepy yet blown out with want for you, and you for her. Both of your chests were heaving as your hands began exploring, new territory that had lied so many years claimed by you, now ready to be retaken. 

You could take it anymore, you snapped your head forward, connecting your lips in a heated kiss that she returned, finally allowing yourselves to taste each other after all this time. She is so sweet. Still, so delicious…

Next you felt her drag her nails lightly down your chest, your stomach…both of you fighting for dominance as you kissed, hard and sloppy and messy, completely falling into each other now. Her hand was dangerously close to you, you could feel yourself pulsing and growing more excited, yearning for her to touch you. 

You took the opportunity to grab her ass, making her hum into your mouth as she pulled her leg higher over your hip, giving you access to move a little more closely to her heat. Damn, this is moving quickly... Keep it together, Sam. Remember what she likes…

You let your hand crawl from her ass to between her legs, holding back just a little bit, though her body language signified she wanted nothing more. 

“Mmm?” You hummed. 

“Mmhmm..” she responded. 

With pleasure, Eleanor.

You let your fingers slip between her, feeling her wetness for the first time again. She was squirming now, as you wasted no time in going straight for her sweet spots, the memories of them coming back full circle. Her hand wrapped in your hair harder as she kissed you, her leg traveling higher as she began to fall into her pleasure-ridden high. Her sounds were filling your ears, spurring you on to keep going, keep touching, keep feeling…

As if your heart wasn’t pounding enough already, you felt her hand snake between you, fully gripping you firmly in her grasp. You broke from her kiss for the first time. 

“God, Elle…” you laughed, tilting your head back as she began lightly pumping up and down on you, her mouth connecting to your neck as she did so. Your mind was already in a frenzy, and you hadn’t even fully felt her yet. 

You continued like this for a while, going slowly but moving so fast at the same time. Her kiss was full of steam and wild passion, meeting you for eye contact every few seconds. Shit, you’d forgotten she liked to do that. 

Focus focus focus. 

“Sam,” she finally breathed. “I…I want you. Please…”

Fucking finally. 

“Mmm, yeah? You do?” You answered, also falling into your persona of your natural love-making state. 

She nodded harshly. “Yes. Yeah, come on…” she rolled to her back and motioned with her hands for you to climb on top of her. So, you did. 

The two of you were already sweaty from just fooling around; it was evident that she wanted this just as much as you did. Heart still pounding in your ears, you pushed her legs apart with your knee as you hovered above her, looking directly into her eyes as you lined yourself up. You took yourself in your hand, dipping it low between her folds to pick up her wetness before you took the plunge, sending her back into an arch already. 

She was driving you insane already…just the feeling of her…

Her fingertips were already digging into your back, pulling you closer as she spread her legs a bit wider, letting your hips gain a bit more space. 

“Please, Sam…” she mumbled into your ear. Finally, you lost all control as you slowly entered her, letting yourself go as slowly as possible. Her breath hitched, and yours did too as you filled her, centimeter by centimeter until you couldn’t go any further. It was like your whole body had suddenly caught fire, no more breath in your lungs, no more thoughts in your head. Just her…and you inside her.

“God dammit baby, you feel so fucking…” she could hardly finish her words, but you felt the same. You withdrew a little, pulling out slowly just like you had before. You continued this for a few strokes, letting yourselves get reacquainted with feeling each other again. You picked up the pace a little, setting yourself up to hopefully last long enough to make it count. But god, she felt like heaven on earth…

She brought her legs up higher, her knees beside your shoulders as you went deeper, her head falling backwards into the pillow as you fucked her faster now…her hand reached back, grabbing onto the edge of the mattress to hold herself in place. Her other hand raked up and down your back, grabbed your pecs and pulled your hair back tightly. 

“…feel so good baby…just like I remembered…so sweet and good for me…” you murmured out, your voice barely able to be recognized. You could feel her tensing around you as she lifted up on her elbows, bringing her face closer to yours. She started rolling her hips up as you did, meeting your thrusts exactly on time. Fuck, keep doing that. 

“…so pretty Sammy, you’re doing so good, I’m so…” her mouth fell slack as her head fell back, revealing her throat to you. Your mouth connected to it, your tongue wanting to devour her right here on the bed. In a quick decision moment, you sat up on your knees, pulling her hips closer to you as you hooked her legs around you. You brought your hands behind her back, bringing her up to sit on your lap, straddling you as she sat. You never once disconnected, still buried deep inside her. 

Here, you were face to face, mouth to mouth, and at an impossibly intense angle so that she could roll her hips just how she liked. The intimacy was mind blowing, her hands entangled in your hair, the view of her flawless body…all of it. You were completely blissed out. She’s so perfect…

Together, the two of you reached your peaks, grabbing and holding on to each other as you spun out of control, you jutted your hips up into her as far as you could, kissing her deeply as she screamed into your mouth. “Fuckkkk baby…” 

As you both began to come down, you laughed at yourselves and what you’d just done, feeling comfortable again in her atmosphere, and also feeling as connected with her as ever. 

“I waited almost a whole year to do that again, Elle. You don’t understand how badly…” she cut you off with a kiss, lying you down next to her back on the bed, bringing the covers up to surround yourselves again. 

“Shhh, I know. Me too, babe. I’m so sorry I didn’t come back sooner.” She reassured you. 

“Elle, I’m sorry, I didn’t ask you if you wanted me to wear a…ya know.” You blurted out. 

She laughed. “It’s okay, I’m safe. And I’m also on birth control, so. No worries.”

No, no worries at all. Not a single worry you could think of. 

“Okay, me too.” You said. “Well, I’m safe, not on birth control. I don’t think.” You teased.

She burst out in her deep belly laugh, rolling back over to kiss your cheek. “You’re an idiot, Sam.”

You smiled hard. “I know.” You rolled to your side to face her, too, taking her face in your hands. 

“Elle?”

“Yes…?”

You locked into her eyes, smiling softly as you planted a soft kiss directly to her still swollen and pink lips. You pulled back slowly, confidence surging through your body. 

“I never stopped loving you, either.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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[secularbakedgoods]

The endangered lit brick

This is a crosspost of my newsletter! If you’d like to get posts like this direct to your inbox or RSS reader, subscribe here.

A friend of mine is currently having his novel shopped around by an agent, and what he's been hearing back is that the Big Five publishers almost exclusively want books with wordcounts of around 100 000 (to the point where authors with longer manuscripts, especially debut authors, are being told they should trim down to that length).

Near as I can tell, this has not always been the case; I can personally recall many authors within the last 30 years or so who debuted with 600-page doorstoppers. But longer books are more expensive to edit and manufacture, and so I can't help but wonder if this is a cost-cutting measure — publishers trying to produce their books as cheaply as possible, in order to squeeze more money out of each sale.

I don't exactly miss the 600-page doorstoppers, but it's good to remember that even the literary world isn't immune to the siren song of enshittification.

New Bundle: The Casefile of Jay Moriarty, Books 1 - 5

The Casefile of Jay Moriarty is a modern-day queer romance take on the iconic Sherlock Holmes villain, his partner Sebastian Moran, and the various crimes they commit together.

I've put together a bundle of the first five stories in the series, which is available now for $6.75 USD — a savings of 25% over buying each book in the series individually!

You can get the bundle on DriveThruFiction, Gumroad, itch.io, or Payhip.

New on Ko-fi: "Sebastian Moran Inflicts Six Traumatic Brain Injuries," Chapter 1

The first chapter of "Sebastian Moran Inflicts Six Traumatic Brain Injuries" is now on Ko-fi and free for anyone to read. Subsequent chapters will be posted on Tuesdays as supporter-only posts. You can also get the entire novelette as an ebook.

This Week's Links

Workers forced to stay at factory drowned during Hurricane Helene — while CEO snuck out and survived, scathing lawsuit claims

An hour later at 11:35 a.m., senior management including Impact Plastics founder and CEO Gerald O’Connor had “stealthily exited the building,” according to court papers. Workers had assumed they also were allowed to go home as local schools and other businesses announced closures because of Hurricane Helene, the suit alleges. Instead, Impact Plastics allegedly instructed its employees to report to work because the company “wanted to meet order deadlines,” court documents show.

FIN7 hackers set up a fake company to recruit for cyberattacks

Much like the website, Bastion Secure’s advertised vacancies look legitimate enough, too. The fictitious company is looking for programmers, system administrators and reverse-engineers, and the job descriptions are similar to those you’d find at any cybersecurity company. But Recorded Future said that FIN7 — under the guise of Bastion Secure — is looking to build a “staff” capable of conducting the tasks necessary for undertaking a range of cybercriminal activity.

When Does Instagram Decide a Nipple Becomes Female?

“I'm really interested in algorithmic enforcement and generally understanding the impact that algorithms have on our lives,” Ada Ada Ada told me in an interview. “It seemed like the nipple rule is one of the simplest ways that you can start talking about this because it's set up as a very binary idea—female nipples no, male nipples, yes. But then it prompts a lot of questions: what is male nipple? What is a female nipple?”

---

I watched Abigail and The Guest more or less back-to-back recently and have discovered my cat is entranced by Dan Stevens. She wouldn't stop staring at the TV whenever he was onscreen. I don't know what to do with this information.

-K

[endogenicredstararchive]

The Ultimate Guide to the Red Star System! (AKA: What the Fuck are We Doing?)

Hello, everyone! It’s been quite some time since we’ve made something ourselves, and we figured that it’s high time we try to do that. Today, we saw a post about how someone should post a thing about how their system works, how their headspace looks, etc.. So I, the host, wanted to do just that. It may be mostly me typing this up, but the others may chime in from time to time. I’ll have to color the paragraphs accordingly whenever we reach the final stages of editing this massive wall of text.

(Note: There may be a new face appearing in this document-- I’m not sure if he’s ready to talk yet, but he is here as we type this.)

So, where should we start? Ah, I know!

System Structure

The structure of this system is somewhat based on a sci-fi space crew; think Star Trek. Internally, there are only two sets of ranks so far, but there may be more in the future. These ranks include: Medical Officers, and Security Officers. These rank sets divide further, depending on the headmate’s purpose. For example: if someone has the rank of Chief Medical Officer, it means that their primary job is to make sure that my physical needs, medical or otherwise, are met. They can also ask other Medical Officers, or Security Officers to check in on me whenever need be. Now, let’s look at who’s in what rank in the system!

Members & Ranks

    • Knockout is, as stated in our pinned introduction, the Chief Medical Officer. As I said above, his job is to make sure my body’s needs are met. And, he also counsels me on what actions to take in regards to my health.

(Note: Since he isn’t human, he can’t truly discern what the human body requires to function; aside from organs. So, he always tells me to contact my doctor.)

    • Breakdown is simply a normal Medical Officer. This basically means that he’s a nurse of sorts. His job, like Knockout, is to monitor my physical state, and help me do things to better my health-- mostly through suggestion. He also doubles as a Security Officer, meaning that he protects me from certain things; mostly emotional stressors.

  • Starscream is a Security Officer. However, unlike Breakdown, he protects me from confrontation. If there’s any sign of aggression, he steps up to the front to handle it. Or, he advises me through it while he’s co-conscious. He’s also a Boundary Enforcer, meaning he helps me set hard boundaries on whatever makes me uncomfortable.

    • Nanaki is a Councilor, meaning that he offers advice in times of turmoil or distress. He aids mostly in helping me deal with my anxiety.

    • Cloud is, like Starscream, a Security Officer. However, his duty is to protect me whenever I’m in social situations that involve crowds. So, think crowd control. Whenever I start getting nervous in crowds, he fronts.

    • Miguel is Head of Security. Whenever there is a perceived threat, physical or otherwise, it’s his job to handle it. He’s a lot more aggressive than the other Security Officers, so he may come off as nasty to some.

    • ???: Given what he does in his universe, I’m willing to say he’s a Security officer. (That’s me! Heyyo! :3c)

Are There Any Differences Between Your System Members & Their Canon Selves?

For some, yes. Others, no.

Knockout, Breakdown, and Starscream aren’t all that different from what’s seen in Transformers Prime. However, the one difference with them is that they joined the Autobots’ side some time after the events started.

Cloud and Nanaki are the same as their canon depictions.

Miguel, on the other hand, is a stark contrast to what we see in ATSV. He has a ton of differences, both physically and in regards to personality. For starters, his defining physical characteristics are that he has gray hair on the back of his neck. On his face, are two scars. One over his left eyebrow, and one going kitty corner-- left to right, across his lips. His eyes are red, and he wears a black, white, and red suit. Personality wise, he’s a lot calmer, and a lot sweeter when you get to know him. He’s also not as willing to resort to violence (So no, he didn’t hurt Miles.). He’ll only get aggressive if he has to. He’s also very accommodating to others’ needs (See the Headspace section!).

??? is very similar to what we see in his canon depiction. However, he still has his wings in their entirety.

System Type

Our system is Endogenic in origin, meaning we do not stem from trauma. However, that doesn’t mean we aren’t disordered. As you’re about to read, Shane has some disorders of his own that may have resulted in our arrival here.

The Host

Hi there! I’m the host-- you know, the one typing all this up! You can call me Shane or Sylum. I’m physically disabled-- Muscular Dystrophy, to be specific. I’ve had it since I was born, meaning I can’t do any physical activities without assistance; aside from typing, of course. Aside from that, I also have diabetes. On the mental side of things, I have both anxiety and depression. And, on the developmental side, I have Inattentive Type ADHD, formerly known as ADD. So, as Knockout said up there, I’m disordered. Fun stuff, huh?

So...What’s it Like?

Well, as someone who’s usually really bad at descriptions as it is, I find it really hard to describe my experiences. Compared to able-bodied system hosts, there are so many differences. If I were to list them all out, we’d likely be here forever. Overall though, I think I can say it’s fairly boring.

For able-bodied system members, like me, and well...Everyone else here, it’s kinda unnerving whenever we front sometimes. Knowing what Shane’s body needs, and not being able to physically meet those needs can be upsetting. So, we usually just give him a mental poke when something’s off. Or, we’ll co-front until he does what he needs to. Like now! Most of us are up here, adding our two cents, or watching him work.

Literally everyone’s up here, and it’s making my brain fuzz out like an old, overused VHS tape.

(You’re showing your age, baby! <3)

So, you kinda know what my experience is like, but there’s another question to ask:

What Does Your Headspace Look Like?

Ah, the headspace. The place where you and your headmates/system mates go to hang out and do whatever the hell they do when they’re not busy. For some folks, the headspace either doesn’t exist, or they’re hyper specific and detailed to the Nth degree. For me, it’s somewhere in the middle; it’s there, it might be a tad specific, and it’s somewhat detailed.

Due to my tendency to hyperfixate on certain pieces of media, it tends to change from time to time. Most of the time, however, it stays in one form. If you’ve seen the movie Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, then you may be familiar with Miguel’s gargantuan base. The tower that’s several miles high, and hella expansive. Well, imagine that, but slightly different. And I mean slightly. The only key difference is that the corridors are painted different colors so that I can find my way around. (I get lost easily in a Walmart for fuck’s sake. Don’t @ me. Lol) The main space, where I tend to hang at, is Miguel’s lab. And yes: He has that raising platform you see in the movie. And yes: It’s as hilariously dramatic as depicted.

The base itself acts as a hub of sorts, where the others can come and go as they please.

So, How Does All of This Work?

Well, there isn’t really a set method to how we do things here. Usually, whoever’s free gets to look after me. It goes down the chain:

Is Knockout busy? Breakdown watches me. Is Breakdown busy? Then, Starscream watches me. Etc. Etc. on down the list.

Who’s the Most Active?

Sometimes, it’s hard to gauge who’s active on any given day; especially when I’m not feeling well. However, going off the short time we used Simply Plural, I’d say both Nanaki and Miguel are the most active. Nanaki’s always free, so he’s usually up front with me. Whereas Miguel briefly fronts to check in and make sure I’m okay. He sometimes sticks around if something triggers my fear response. His presence is very soothing for me.

Recently, the new guy’s been very active, so he’s definitely on par with Nanaki and Miguel already.

Do You Have A Relationship Beyond Systemhood?

Shane’s a little nervous about writing this bit, so I’m taking it from here. He has a relationship with me, Knockout, Breakdown, Starscream, and the new guy. The mechanics of it are complicated–too complicated to really go into here. What I can say is that it’s a very close relationship.

That’s all, Folks! (...For Now!)

Thank you all for reading this, quite frankly, large wall of text! Your patience is greatly appreciated! We hope you enjoyed this little guide to our system, and we hope to see you later! Buh-bye!

( Since you're done here, why don'tcha drop by the pinned post? You'll find my intro down near the bottom a little while after this gets submitted.)

[mariacallous]

British journalist Catherine Belton spent more than 15 years working as a reporter in Russia for the Financial Times, The Moscow Times, and Businessweek, and she now covers Russian politics and the war in Ukraine for The Washington Post. In 2020, Belton published her first book, “Putin’s People: How the KGB Took Back Russia and Then Took On the West,” which immediately became a bestseller. Following the death of Alexey Navalny, she published a Russian-language edition of the book that’s available for free. For Meduza, American journalist Tanya Lukyanova spoke with Belton about how she managed to untangle the logic behind the system that has allowed Putin to rule Russia for more than 20 years. 

As Catherine Belton was finishing school, the Berlin Wall was coming down. Entranced by the Soviet empire’s collapse, she went on to study Russian and German at university, “and the fascination just continued to expand from there,” she said in an interview with Meduza.

Belton would go on to work as a journalist based in Russia from 1998 until 2014, covering the country “pretty much nonstop” during Vladimir Putin’s first two presidential terms. From 2007 to 2012, the period when Putin temporarily relinquished the presidency to Dmitry Medvedev and served as prime minister, Belton worked for the Financial Times as a Moscow correspondent covering the world of business. 

“It was a different era then,” she explained. “Russian billionaires [and] government officials all wanted to be on the pages of Businessweek and the Financial Times — presenting their country, presenting their companies, and trying to be integrated into the global economy.”

Belton’s wealth of experience reporting on Russia eventually led her to write a book, Putin’s People, which was published to international acclaim in 2020. As she told Meduza, the book began as an investigation into the system Putin had built by taking over the country’s strategic cash flows and placing them in the hands of loyal allies. “We didn’t really understand what made Putin tick and why he ran the economy the way he did,” Belton explained. “But as I was reporting that, it really became very obvious that he was replicating a system that was rooted in the KGB.” 

As Belton’s reporting revealed, the wealth Putin and his cronies had amassed was just one small piece of the puzzle: 

“A lot of the stealing that was going on wasn’t about Putin lining his own pockets: It was [about] gathering strategic slush funds and replicating a system of KGB frontmen and intermediaries, who would then be able to funnel wealth into the West. And then eventually, as they had in the 1970s and 80s, they’d use that wealth to divide and disrupt and undermine their rivals in the West.”

Belton is still in regular contact with the sources she interviewed for her book. Some of these members of the Russian elite, she said, were “horrified” when Putin launched the 2022 invasion of Ukraine, which they perceived as a “catastrophe for the 30 years of empire building and all the ties that they [had] built into the West.” But with the full-scale war now in its third year, she now fears that some Russian elites and billionaires smell blood in the water:

“I’m now afraid [that] they see Western weakness, the paralysis in the U.S., and perhaps think that the war now presents an opportunity to redraw the post-Cold War map and have this new alliance of Russia, India, and China, which they believe is going to replace a weaker West. So unfortunately, most of the Russian billionaires and elites are still sharks.”

Putin, meanwhile, appears increasingly entrenched in his political views. “You can see that Putin has really held on to certain beliefs,” Belton pointed out. “He was part of this progressive faction of the KGB that blamed communism for failing the project of the Russian Empire. He blamed the Bolsheviks for tearing the country up into republics that didn’t exist before (i.e. Ukraine). So even then he was an imperialist.”

The Russian president has also continued to keep his friends close, surrounding himself with sycophants who often share his intelligence officer roots. Though their influence may wax and wane, these officials have traditionally made up a “collective Putin,” Belton explained:

“There are other people in the administration who had security service backgrounds who were either prompting or advising him to act in a certain way — [Security Council Secretary] Nikolai Patrushev, for instance, who had always been more senior than him [...] At various stages of Putin’s career, he seems to have been clearly manipulating Putin and trying to make sure that he stayed in power.”

“I think Patrushev is still very much a leading ideologue,” she added. 

According to Belton, Putin’s bitter resentment towards the West is based on a mixture of grievances, some of which she considers valid and others she views as “exaggerated and amplified” by his KGB background and personal paranoia. “It’s certainly true that after Putin came to the presidency, he did make overtures towards partnership with the West,” she pointed out. “And I was told by people close to him then that Putin is a ‘transactional guy.’ He was expecting favors in return — in the typical, mafia-style leadership — but he didn’t get any. He just got, in his view, a kick in the head.”

The West, in turn, was too dismissive of Putin and therefore failed to see Russia — and Russian corruption in particular — as a security threat. “Everyone thought that after the collapse of the Soviet Union, all that remained for Russia to do was to integrate into the Western rules-based order,” Belton recalled. “We thought that the more Russian cash came into the West the better, because Russia was going to have to adapt to our governance standards and so on.” 

With this assumption in mind, Western countries readily accepted the money Putin’s system siphoned out, believing that corruption made Russia weak, when really it was a means of consolidating power. Once seen as independent, Russian billionaires became “beholden to the Kremlin for maintaining their wealth,” Belton explained. And having failed to grasp that an economy under Putin didn’t function like one of their own, Western countries “just decided to lie back and take the money.” 

“Putin realized very early on that this was a big weakness in the way the West works, that we’d just take profits and not think about the consequences,” Belton said. 

Russia’s oligarchs did not take kindly to Belton’s book. Just before the one-year statute of limitations under U.K. libel law, billionaire Roman Abramovich sued the journalist and her publisher for defamation. Billionaires Mikhail Fridman, Peter Aven, and Shalva Chigirinsky followed suit, as did Russian state oil giant Rosneft. 

“I was very fortunate because my publisher, HarperCollins, stood very strongly behind me, and they covered all the legal costs,” Belton told Meduza. “I think had it just been me, I would have been forced to withdraw the book after seven years of work. I wouldn’t have been able to withstand such a barrage.” 

Abramovich settled his claim against Belton in December 2021, after the journalist and her publisher agreed to make revisions to the text. “We changed some small things, which I’m still a bit upset about, but we basically didn't change the sense of the narrative,” she said. The other defendants subsequently settled or dropped their claims. 

“In some ways, there’s a silver lining,” Belton added. “Because the pile on was so enormous, it attracted a lot of media attention. And people could really see how Russian billionaires and the Kremlin had been using the legal system and legal threats to silence and intimidate journalists from covering some of their activities.”

Earlier this month, Belton announced that she had made the Russian-language edition of Putin’s People available for free. “Although the general trajectory of Putin’s presidency is well known, I wanted Russians to be able to read the details from Kremlin insiders who have not spoken before,” she explained. “[I] would like it to be more widely known and shared within Russia that we know what Putin presents now is not Russia’s true face, but one that has been distorted and manipulated by his cabal.” 

Belton was still hammering out the details of the release when Russian opposition leader Alexey Navalny suddenly died in prison. The sea of mourners who turned up for Navalny’s funeral pushed her to publish the free edition of Putin’s People right away. “The fact that tens of thousands were coming out and openly defying the police presence, chanting ‘No to war,’ and, in many ways, showing that Navalny’s legacy was living on no matter what — that this other Russia we all loved still exists despite the heavy Kremlin propaganda and the fear tactics — really inspired me,” she said. 

[christronomy]

coffee flavored kisses // kim seungmin

cw : fluff again, but it's seungmin <3 childhood friends to lovers, kissing, just seungmin who likes taking you out on late night adventures and confesses his love for you me and who fr. read a/n at the end <3.

he dragged you out of your apartment late at night to take you to this new café he'd mentioned before. it's pretty small and cozy, close to the outskirts of town, open til very late, and they sell cheap but delicious drinks, and cutely decorated baked goods.

you both ordered hot coffees, since it was starting to get cold, and you're now sat together at the very end of an empty subway train, on your way to nowhere in particular, drinking and chatting away. your whispers and occasional laughter are the only sounds that can be heard, aside from the occasional screeching of the train coming to a halt at it's designated stops.

seungmin has always thought you were so beautiful, but now it seems as though you're even more beautiful than before, if that was even possible. maybe it's the way that the dim lights in the train accentuate your features, like your soft smile, or maybe it's the way your hair almost falls over your face when you laugh and cover your face with your hands. maybe it's all those things, but whatever it is, it's definitely making him fall even more in love with you than ever. if it were up to him, he'd stay on this train with you forever.

something must've gotten into him as he watched you talk, because he couldn't help but take your face in his hands, pulling you in slowly for a kiss mid-sentence. it catches you off guard, but the taste of coffee is so sweet on both of your lips, even sweeter now because he's kissing you. you can't bring yourself to pull away, and he can't either, letting himself get lost in you.

when you finally pull away from each other to catch a breath, he smiles at you adoringly, eyes locking onto yours as he gently tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear. "i love you," he says suddenly, and he can't believe he actually admitted it out loud, but it's freeing, in a way, because he hadn't been able to muster up the courage to tell you until now. he searches your face for any reason to take back what he said, but you don't give him one. instead, you smile back at him and pull him in for another kiss, eager to taste him on your lips again.

an : hi hi it's been so long like, 3 months ? since i last posted anything and i feel so so bad but school and my shit immune system have been kicking my ass lately. i was also kinda nervous about posting this tbh you have no idea the amount of times i edited and changed stuff but it's okay cause it's seungmin and we all love seungmin. p.s. thank you for the love on my previous works, i appreciate y'all like a lot. muah &lt;3

[7grandmel]

Blog Update - 04/02/2024

TL;DR - Google Form for rip requests and other anonymous comments is open. Link to it can be found on the blog's Pinned Post, which has been overhauled. Tagging system on daily posts has been vastly expanded with individual tags per ripper and more. "Media Player" has been scrapped - rips using tentative names are being edited per their official releases.

Hey everyone! Been a hot minute since I did one of these. I've wanted to make a post talking about the tinkering I've done with the blog for a while, but figured it'd be best to wait until all of it had been done. Well, now's that day - conveniently right as Season 8 of SiIvaGunner is rolling out, fresh out of the oven with Puyo Puyo day.

Let's start with the most recent, but most important change - I've opened a Google Form for requesting rips to be covered on the blog. Tumblr's default Ask box is mighty convenient for me, but over the months I've noticed several users troubled by having to start Tumblr accounts just to submit to the blog, even anonymously! You can of course still use the Ask box if you're a Tumblr user already, but now even non-Tumblr users should be able to request to the blog - or just leave anonymous comments! - completely hassle-free.

Next, to help promote this new request system and to accommodate for all the other changes made to the blog recently, The Pinned post of the blog has been given a pretty significant overhaul, alongside adding the current Eighth season to its per-season filtering buttons. I've done my best to also reword the main body of the post to more properly convey the blog's goals, and to help readers new and old navigate it easier. For instance, I've added descriptors of some of the tags that I use for the blog's contents, as well as links to said tags and their Archive views. Take a look around yourself if you wish!

I've been doing a lot more than than just explain the tags, however - you'll notice that the tags #high quality art and #epic flintstones have been added! To help make this blog the ultimate hub for SiIvaGunner activity on Tumblr, I'll be reposting fanart/official art and just various funny posts under these tags to feature on the blog! If you're only here for the daily posts, you're of course still able to use the prior mentioned navigation buttons on the pinned posts to only see posts tagged as #todays siivagunner. But what if you want to get more specific than even that?

Well, alongside retroactively tagging all fanart and shitpost reblogs with the two aforementioned tags, I've added a few more categorizing tags to all 490+ of the Daily SiIvaGunner posts - most notably, the names of every person credited per rip. This both makes it easier for myself to check how many times a ripper has been featured on the blog prior, and should help you find out more about your favorite rippers on your own! There's also some other miscellaneous tags added, such as tags denoting if a rip has visuals, if a post is covering multiple rips at once, if a rip is a Fusion Collab, and so on - I'll have a post properly denoting all of these tags up sometime in the future.

Finally, back in July of last year I described my thought process for how to handle rips that, due to lacking album releases, lack proper official names per the time of writing - alongside spitballing an idea for a post-navigation "media player". First off, I can say now after six months that I'm not moving forward with the media player concept, as fun of an idea as it was - I don't believe it offered much benefit over what can be done through just using the pinned post's links to begin with. Second off, though, a lot of the rips I've covered with tentative names, primarily rips from Season 7, have gotten official album releases, and thus been retroactively edited to feature their new official names. You can see an example of how this looks with Persona 64, which was previously titled I'll Face Gay Bowser. All mentions of a rip with its tentative name as featured across other posts will also be edited to feature their official release name.

Whew! What a big update! I've been having the time of my life with this blog in the months since the last Update, and the lack of updates here have certainly not been due to a lack of confidence in the blog - I've simply had too many ideas on what to do for them to be properly distilled to just one post! Hopefully this conveys everything I've been doing in the background of it all. If you have any feedback or other changes you'd like to see happen on the blog, please let me know!

[kenzies-love-stories]

Hi it’s Time for a Upgrade!

Hello everyone, I don’t even know how many of you are still invested in my stories and it’s my own fault! In order to make myself happy and involved with my writing again I am rebranding.  Those who are still very much invested with my writing still Thank you and fear not, my main series ‘The way he looks at you’ and ‘oh come on Bella’ are coming back, they’re just under editing!

Now time for me to reintroduce myself, Hi I’m Kenzie! I originally started this blog back in 2020 when I needed an escape from a really bad situation. I sought comfort in fictional characters and the community was really welcoming even though I was very shy, so I rarely reached out to any mutuals and for that I regret. That being said I myself have grown up and my tastes have changed, so things on my blog are changing with it. Below the cut you will find my new list of Rules and Regulations as well as a brand new list of characters I will be writing for ( I also am keeping some familiar faces too so Fear not!)

Rules:

Please be polite and kind when requesting.

I have to right to reject a request that make me unconformable or doesn’t follow my rules or if I feel I can do the prompt justice

please be patient with me, I work full time as a closer with a bumpy schedule and finding time to write is a nightmare, I take pride in the work I put out, I want it to be amazing experience for you when you read it.

Please only one request at a time per person. you can send another one when yours is posted. I will be going off of the honors system.

constructive criticism is welcomed but don’t be hateful or rude about it. If you don’t like what I post then block my page. 

Feel free to give me details so I have an idea where you want the story to go.

I tend to write romance but I am down for platonic fics too ( just friends type of thing)

please remember I’m a person too

Request would generally be done in the order they show up in my box unless a prompt really stands out to me.

I write for a female or gender-neutral reader as those are what i am the most comfortable writing

Who I write for:

House of Dragons/Game of Thrones:

Aegon Targaryen ii

Aemond Targaryen 

Cregan Stark 

Top gun Maverick:

Robert ‘Bob’ Floyd 

Jake ‘Hangman’ Serein 

Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw 

Top gun 86′:

Tom ‘iceman’ Kazansky

Pete 'Maverick’ Mitchell

Ron 'Slider' Kerner

Twilight saga:

Felix volturi

Paul Lahote

alec volturi

Harry Potter:

Regulus Black 

Remus Lupin

What I will write:

‘Sad’

Fluff 

angst

suggestive

Au’s:

soulmate

Guardian Angel 

Demon

Body guard

Mafia

Royal

What I will NOT write

Smut (Yes I may read it but I can’t write it to save my life)

Abuse of any kind (I am down to write comfort for this though)

I don’t do well with vivid descriptions of death in my stories  

If you have questions or concerns, just ask me in the ask box! I hope you are having a good day and/or night!

Strikethroughs means that they are temporarily closed.

[ysphcpb]

Your thoughts on this? https://www.tumblr.com/waitmyturtles/711772662946463744/turtles-catches-up-with-old-gmmtv-sotus-edition

I'm not sure what was your expectation with this ask, but shortly put, I don't agree with most of the ideas and analysis in this review. Going into details might turn this into my own SOTUS review, so I'll only elaborate some main points in the 'readmore' section.

I think it makes sense that op interpretes the characters and the series so differently from how I do, because preferences and interpretation are supposed to be personal and subjective.

I would like to talk about this part, however.

"did GMMTV cast [Krist] because, maybe, he was having trouble getting other projects that would have required, say, acting? And GMMTV was like, well, this guy’s under contract, let’s throw him a bone with this experimental show we’re doing, and see how it goes?"

I don't know if this was meant to be a joke or not? but it is not true nonetheless. SOTUS casting, workshop and early filming took place before the series was picked up by gmmtv. Krist & Singto, freelancers at the time, went through 2 casting rounds of 400 people before they were finally cast as main leads. More details can be found in this post by P'Lit (director of SOTUS), where he shared his journey starting from being offered the job to the end of season 1, as well as his thoughts on some of the actors, including Krist.

+++

So to elaborate, here are some of my thoughts:

1) While I agree that there weren't many options at the time SOTUS came out, and the series does need a more polished script to be more appropriate for today's ideologies, I do not think limited choice was the only reason it achieved that big of a success. As can be easily checked in the comment section of SOTUS/SOTUS S/Our Skyy Arthit-Kongpob, alongside old fans coming back for rewatch there are still new viewers in this era discovering the series and loving it. This means that this type of series with these types of characters and dynamics can also adhere to many people's preferences, both in 2016 and till this day.

2) As I've said, it is a matter of subjective interpretation. Where they see Krist's bad acting, lack of eye-contact/reactivity and chemistry with his partner, I see Arthit's shyness, insecurity, fear of change and attention, and his effort to physically and vocally express affection out of his love for Kong. In my opinion, Krist did a great job with this character (as both a headhazer and Arthit's normal self), and the fact that Kongpob wholeheartedly loves him for who he is and respects his boundaries is one of the things I really like about this series.

In my view, SOTUS also does not just centre around a love story, but rather focuses on 2 equally big themes: the hazing system (for the first part), and the relationship of Kongpob & Arthit (the later part). I think the slow-burn direction fits well with these two themes, in that their relationship has more chance to progress after the hazing period has ended for freshmen, and hazers won't need to keep up their serious and unapproachable image.

3) I agree that there was a change in power dynamics, but not in the way discussed in this analysis.

"the issue that I bring up about power dynamics. Krust as Arthit was going to do something in this show that was rare at that moment: Arthit was going to move from a socially majority position to a minority position by falling in love with Kongpob. (...) in the Asian collectivist perspective -- you, as a uke, respond empathically, and maybe even try to meet your seme where your seme is at."

I personally don't like the implication that being shyer, less assertive to overtly show affection, and taking more time to navigate feelings, can make someone become the "minority position" in a relationship, regardless of sexual/romantic orientation, how collectivistic the culture is, how much the individual is affected by their culture, (and yes, regardless of whether the character was deemed as the "wife" in the novel/series or not). From how I see it, at the start, Arthit really was the one with more power, being a 2-year-older seniour and a headhazer that could literally give orders to Kongpob (and other freshmen). But as their relationship grows, there is actually more balance in how they mediate differences, take care of each other (more clearly shown in SOTUS S), and that they still regularly use honorifics with each other (even though Arthit is older and not socially required to).

That said, I think Arthit never stopped behaving and seeing himself as the older seniour, just as how Kongpob never stopped behaving and seeing himself as the younger juniour, which makes sense in a culture with age hierarchy like Thailand and is not necessarily a bad thing. Arthit is always the one who experiences things first (being a freshman, hazing, internship, graduating, having a job) and can give Kongpob advice when he asks for it. Arthit, as the older person, also feels more responsible and worries more about the outcome of their relationship and how it might affect Kongpob's future, which actually led to many conflicts in the series. This is consistent in the sequels as well.

4) I don't think the "I don't like men, I only like P'Arthit" line is problematic in the particular context of SOTUS. The line makes sense to me, expecially when accompanied by what comes next: "It's not the same. (...) If it's not P'Arthit, I won't like." Throughout the whole series, Kongpob was indeed never shown being interested in anyone (men or women), except for Arthit, whose kindness and cuteness impressed him. And from how I understand Kongpob as a character, I don't think he'd feel the need to say anything but the truth, especially to one of his close friends. In my view, while Kongpob is canonically not gay, he could easily be a representation for demiromantic or demisexual people.

Note: I have not watched most of the other series op mentioned in the post and can't comment on their reference to these shows. I also don't actively search for bls to watch, so I'm not that much of an expert in this category of series.