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athenadione · 1 year ago

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'at the edge of the precipice' Chapter 10

Read on a03 HERE

(Rated E for violence, gore, PTSD, allusions to depression/suicide)

It’s not exactly his memory— at least he’s pretty sure it’s not.

Mostly because a lot of it doesn’t make sense.

There’s splashes of color in his vision that overtake his focus on Raven’s arm, and a ringing in his ear that makes him feel a bit lightheaded but he shakes it off.

Then the feeling of a sharp, burning sensation travels up his arm so quickly he thinks he might’ve imagined it.

It’s a split second decision to make, but he doesn’t tell her what happened. He’s not sure what to make of it all, especially because it seems to come to him in a million shattered pieces.

Later in the day flashes of memories streak blood red across his vision— too fast for him to really understand what’s going on.

The only moment that’s really clear is the flashpoint. He remembers that it was so bright it was difficult to look at directly even through his domino mask, but even still he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. It had come at them like a tsunami at such a neck-breaking speed that Damian had barely registered what was happening.

He remembers Raven, her warmth pressing at his side, and her small-hitched breath just before the flashpoint overcame them.

His fingers dig into her waist, holding her close to him and the hold she has on him is just as unbreakable. She shakes, nearly imperceptible, in his arms, and she takes his face in her hands while the weight of what’s happening lays so heavy on his chest. They both seem to realize at the same time that they only have seconds left of this life together.

He remembers wondering if he held onto Raven tight enough that maybe she’d come with him to wherever he went next.

When their lips meet for their first kiss it’s so perfect, and Damian wants it to last forever.

Because that’s what they deserve after all this time.

They had been through so much, she’d been through much more, and this just isn’t fair. He knows that wishing is futile but for once in his life he wishes that this didn’t have to happen. As selfish as it is, he’s not ready to let her go. He kisses her again with fervor. I can’t do this, I won’t. She is— everything to me.

It’s all over in the briefest second, and Damian feels both strangely empty and like he might combust at the same time.

Then suddenly Raven is looking at him with blatant concern as the wind is whipping her hair and it’s so long. He can see the ocean just beyond her, waves crashing languidly as her mouth opens to express her concern.

When she says his name, it sounds so haunted and worried, and he has to swallow back the sudden emotions threatening to spill over.

Awareness slams into him all at once as Raven’s fingers close around his wrist in the barest of touches.

She’s here, with him now, and he remembers dying. He remembers her bringing him back to life, and he remembers that hill at Titan’s Tower— everyone still broken beyond repair.

And Barry, making one last attempt to set things back— a chance that he knows they all had no choice but to take.

It all blurs and circles together in a downward spiral. All until he reaches a point that he’s not sure what’s real and what’s not. The realization that this is exactly what Raven must have felt for months nearly sends him careening over the edge. Over into something so dark and deep that he’s not sure he’ll be able to climb out if he falls.

So when Raven searches his eyes for the smallest sign of reassurance, he gives it to her— if only to try and ground himself in this reality, because she needs him to be.

He picks up all the shattered pieces and shoves it in the back of his mind to save for a later time. He stands next to Raven and helps her through the hand toss without shaking. If he notices a faint scream in the distance, and the acrid smell of burnt flesh, he doesn’t show it. He sits through lunch and dinner, and does not fidget. He even makes it through their night walk on the beach.

Only after walking up each creaky step to the guest bedroom, and helping Raven slide off his back and into bed, does he let himself fall apart.

He walks right back downstairs and outside, taking great care to slide the door shut without sound. He doesn’t stop until he reaches the sand. He wordlessly unties his shoes, setting them aside. He stands and walks out to where the sand is harder—just a foot or two away from the low tide.

Then he breaks out into a run, and doesn’t stop until dawn.

Raven knows that there’s something off about Damian. His lips linger on her forehead when he leans down to tell her good night. She can feel the undercurrent of his emotions—too many, each spiraling while they fight for the attention of his consciousness. When she looks up at his face it’s a mask. His brows are just barely drawn together, like it takes a great effort to keep something hidden. She knows he doesn’t get shaken often.

She doesn’t want to think about why he is.

She also doesn’t want him to face whatever it is he’s dealing with alone. She considers holding onto his wrist and asking him to stay with her, but she can see the tension in all of his muscles. He needs to let something go, and from her past experience it’s by training.

There’d been many nights she’d been woken up by the angry streak pulsating in his aura— traveling all the way up to her from the training room. It had always seemed to seek her out, maybe searching for refuge in someone who understood it. She and anger had always been well acquainted.

Tonight though his aura is drawn taught against his skin with a hazardous warning to stay away.

So she bids him good night and watches him walk out, closing her door softly. As much as she wants to run after him she doesn’t. If he wanted to be around her, he would have stayed. And even though that thought stings through her chest, she shakes it off. This isn’t about her. She’s already spent too much time feeling sorry for herself. Besides, how many times did she regress back into herself the past few weeks when all Damian asked of her was to talk to him? She had no right to ask him to do the same.

She’ll go check on him in the morning instead.

Raven pulls the covers up close to her face and huddles underneath them. Then on second thought she pulls them up and over her head. To keep everything else out. She pulls her feet up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, forcing herself to focus on her own shallow breathing. Until they become more even and measured. She counts to four, holds her breath for another count of four, and then finally releases it.

Again, and again. Until she’s slipping in and out of consciousness. Her mind wanders, taking her far beyond where she’s explored. It dips into memories that don't feel like hers.

She’s standing in the library at the manor, huffing with a hand on one hip as Titus positions himself between her and Damian with a growl. His hackles raise even farther when she takes another step.

“Down boy,” Damian kneels to scratch him behind one of his ears, “What has gotten into you?”

Frustration flushes through her, anger rising at the display, but she stomps it down. Refuses to show it. She’s come too far to let a dog ruin everything.

“It’s okay beloved,” she says, bringing Damian’s attention back to her, “I was gone for months, it makes sense that Titus wouldn’t immediately recognize me.”

“Hm, maybe.”

It’s not lost on her that Damian stays rooted in place—despite the fact that this is the first time they’ve seen each other since her mission.Titus hasn’t stopped growling.

“You know Star’s been waiting for you to debrief back at the tower, why did you come here first?”

Anger licks back up her spine, flushing red at her neck.

“I wanted to see you silly. I’ve missed you.” She takes a step forward, then back again when Titus barks a loud warning.

“I’ve missed you too, Raven. More than you know,” Damian’s eyes narrow in just the slightest movement, “but you’ve always debriefed at the tower first after a mission. Are you sure you’re okay? It’s not like you to break protocol.” he asks her.

“Of course I’m okay Damian. I’m so happy to see you. I just—” she reigns her anger back in and tries again— “I just wanted to hug you. Please, just let me touch you. One hug, then I’ll go straight to the tower. I promise.”

She waits as he stands there, staring at her with an inscrutable look. A long minute of silence goes by while Titus lets out another high-pitched whine. Damian shushes him with a snap of his fingers. Then he relents, “Okay, one hug, but then you have to go straight to Starfire. She was really worried when you didn’t check in.”

Raven lets out a sigh of relief, “I will. Thank you habibi,” she says, stepping towards them once more.

This time Titus sits at Damian’s command, but his growl gets louder. And louder, and louder. Until it’s the only thing she can hear besides the sound of her own heartbeat against her eardrums. Then Damian stops short of her, just out of arm's reach, when his eyes harden.

“I know who you are.”

Raven jolts awake under her comforter. Her head is pounding and her limbs ache while her heart races as if she had just ran for miles. Her magic pulsates at her fingertips with each heartbeat. It sparks under the blanket before fizzling out. She fists her hands together to stop them from shaking.

A million thoughts are racing through her mind, but one becomes glaringly clear above them all. She had felt that anger before. She knew that anger all too well, because she had trapped it inside of herself, and lived with it for years. She had fought it back time and time again until the point of exhaustion. She had nearly let it destroy her mind, her body, and her soul. And she had known that it would eventually kill her. It scares her, because it’s not her anger. Not at all.

It’s Trigon’s.

Even as his calves start to burn and his feet blister from the sand he keeps running.

It gives him something to focus on. Each harsh breath is a reminder that he’s not from that reality. He’s in this one, right now. And he’s never fought Darkseid.

Except the memories he holds now tell him otherwise.

Damian took Darkseid’s beam intended for his father. It killed him. He was irrefutably dead. Gone forever. Even now his muscles twinge from the phantom pain of burning alive.

Raven had brought him back.

She was a halo of light above him as he was resurrected. She was angelic, and holy, and she was…crying. Over his body, over his death. The way she held him to her chest was so gentle, so full of love, and admiration.

He’d do anything for her to hold him like that again.

A blast of wind brings him back to himself again, if just for a moment. Is this what it’s been like for her? Slipping in and out of memories, some of them on a constant loop. How long had she fought them before she succumbed to them? Sitting in the library for hours at a time, curled up in the chair with that far-away stare. Refusing to eat, to do anything but just sit there. Maybe it was because she physically couldn’t do anything else. Maybe she had been trapped the entire time—forced to relive it all, over and over.

That thought alone adds to the silent tears already falling down his cheeks, unbidden.

Dark red streaks across his vision at the sound of a Paradoom tearing off a limb, and then another.

Then Richard’s scream, so hauntingly loud in the distance, catches him by surprise, and Damian stumbles over his own feet. His brother, one of the best things he had inherited through his father, laughing and ruffling his hair over something he had said at the dinner table. His brother, standing tall and confident, and always in between him and every threat they’ve faced out on patrol together. His brother, pierced straight through his chest and into his heart. His brother, revived but irrevocably broken, and forever locked away for his own safety.

This isn’t real. These aren’t my memories, they're his. Does that really matter though? He remembers them now as if they always were. And it’s real to Raven.

He shakes his head free of his thoughts, then looks ahead. The next pier is about a half mile away. I just have to make it to that pier. Then the next one. His feet pound the sand beneath him. I can do this. I can work through this. He’s not going insane, he just needs to adjust. Sort through it all. File them into categories. Make some kind of sense of what happened to them.

I can do this. Another step, another sharp cry of pain in his ears.

I can do this. Raven, falling into his arms at Nanda Parbat as she pushes herself beyond her limits.

I can do this. The long, dark walk to the Lazarus pit, with the weight of Richard’s body in his arms. It was nothing compared to the heaviness of his broken heart. There was no time to mourn. Only to prepare for another fight.

He pushes onward, wading through the waves of madness in his mind, trying not to break as he continues his run.

I can do this.

Raven spends the rest of the night meditating, cross-legged and hovering above her bed, trying to follow the source of that memory. Her father’s presence had been unmistakable, but whatever realm it came from she has no idea. She has to make sure it’s not this one. Damian had told her that Raven had defeated Trigon in this reality. At the time she didn’t think to ask how she had done it, but maybe she should now.

Then again, if it is from this reality it’s in the past right? All of her other memories she’d gained had been from here too. From the Raven that’d originally been here. The Raven that deserved to be here.

Maybe it’s nothing.

Or maybe…

No, she’s not going to think about the what-ifs anymore. She can’t go back down that rabbit hole right now. With a heavy sigh Raven looks out towards the balcony. The curtains are still open, and the sun’s just beginning to peek out over the ocean. Damian hadn’t made it back to the beach house yet, at least not to her room.

She decides to get up and get dressed. Maybe he slept on the couch downstairs. It’d be good to stretch her legs anyway.

She finds a purple t-shirt in her suitcase that isn’t too bright (thanks again Kori), and some jean shorts. After pulling them on she slips into a pair of slides and makes the journey downstairs. Each step seems to creak, making her cringe inwardly. When she makes it to the living room and sees that the couch is unoccupied she tries not to feel too disappointed.

Thankfully she doesn’t find anyone else either, because she doesn’t feel up to casual conversation. From the sun she guesses it’s probably around 6am so most likely everyone else is still asleep. Which is good because another argument between Jason and Stephanie this early is bound to make anyone crazy.

The sun leads her outside. The chill of the night is still in the air, and goosebumps rise on her arms and legs. She ignores it in favor of walking further out on the beach. She’s almost certain that she’ll find Damian out here.

It doesn’t take her long before she does.

His red-rimmed eyes meet hers immediately, and she barely contains her gasp. Her eyes trail further down his body. Damian’s shirtless, soaked in sweat, and she has to admit that he looks completely wrecked.

The sight of him makes her heart jump in her chest. She picks up her pace, intent on reaching him first, but stops short at the way her name sounds on his lips.

“Raven.”

Damian had every intention of continuing on as if nothing happened. When he’d run to the point of exhaustion, after his body threatened to give out from under his feet, he had finally decided to walk back to the beach house. On the way he makes plans to walk straight upstairs to take a shower, wash his feverish skin until it’s nearly raw, and then promptly shut out everything from last night.

It’s already done, already decided, until he sees her.

That’s when he realizes that he can’t keep it in, that it’s not fair for him to, and that he needs her to know.

He needs her to know that they’ve done it. That after everything, they’ve managed to find their way to each other again, and that it’s all going to be okay. He’s here, and she’s here, and that’s all that matters.

So he calls out to her, letting her see every emotion in the contours of his face, and doesn’t mind when she stops walking—shocked by the sound of his voice. Raw and torn and vulnerable.

He finishes the walk to her. His Raven, his everything.

“Raven,” a choked sob works its way up into this throat, “I remember.”

His hands reach up to cup her face, around her neck, and he forces her to look at him. To see him. She shakes her head in disbelief, tears threatening to spill over her cheeks when he draws his face down to hers.

“I remember everything.”

He doesn’t wait for her response before he pulls her face up to his, and captures her lips in a heated kiss for the first time.

His lips slide over hers while his thumb strokes her cheek, and Raven gasps into the kiss. Damian swallows it, and then pours everything into it, into her, and into them. He speaks with his lips by nibbling hers, and with his hands—one traveling up to entangle itself in her hair, because words can no longer explain this feeling.

Raven’s hands reach up to grip his arms tightly, shaking, but not pushing him away. She whimpers against his mouth, whispering his name as tears slip down her face. Damian kisses them away, savoring the salty taste as her arms reach up to wrap around his neck. The move draws them even closer, and her chest bumps against his. He breathes in deep, wanting to commit the smell of her to memory. Never wanting to forget this moment of her lavender and vanilla scented hair blowing in the wind. Or her eyes, filled with something that looks like desperation, but also hope and something more. He never wants to forget the way that her body against his feels like a final puzzle piece dropping into place. That she feels like coming home.

He deepens their kiss, relishing in her soft moan when she opens her mouth to him, letting his tongue delve inside to explore slowly, sensually. He holds her closer to him when he feels her knees threatening to give out right there on the beach. He takes his time, gently coaxing little noises from her. Pleasure spikes through him at the sounds, and it doesn’t feel like he can get enough of her. He reluctantly breaks their kiss and rests his forehead against hers, listening to her breathing, and the sound of waves crashing beyond them.

“I love you Raven, so much. Dimensions can’t even separate me from you. I will always find you.”

Raven laughs and sobs at the time in his arms, “Damian…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know—that I know now. I can help you through this. You won’t ever be alone with this Raven, ever again.”

“Damian—”

“It might take time but we can get back to a new normal. We’ll visit Constantine again and see if there’s anything else he can do now that I remember—”

“Damian,” Raven cuts him off by pressing her lips against his for the briefest moment. When he opens his eyes again, she’s smiling through her tears. A true smile, for the first time in a long time, and it takes his breath away.

“I love you too,” she says.

He smiles just as wide, picks her up, and twirls her around while she lets out a small squeak of surprise. He keeps hold of her when her legs wrap around his waist for support. Then he cups the back of her head with one hand while the other holds her to him, and he drowns himself in another kiss. After all, he has at least three years to make up for.

#damirae #damian x raven #fanfic #at the edge of the precipice #ateotp #chapter 10

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